#childe's emotional support whale

[blood-orange-juice]

by @frog_well_ on Twitter

[jule1122]

Malex Fic - Am I Giving Enough?

Happy Holidays @miniastrophysicist! I hope you enjoy your @rnm-secret-santa gift. It is a post canon fic focusing on Alex and Michael's path to adopting their first child. There is some emotional hurt/comfort, but it's mostly about them loving and supporting each other on this journey.

I did research the adoption process in New Mexico and stayed as close to it as I could, but I did add and change things to fit the story.

Thank you@angrycowboy for being a wonderfully supportive beta.

Title from "Columbia" by Local Natives

Am I Giving Enough on AO3

Summary: Michael will be a wonderful father, Alex knows this. It's his own ability to be a good parent he questions.

Michael brings it up on a Tuesday, a month after their first anniversary.  They’re sitting on the couch together, watching a documentary about echolocation in whales and bats, cuddling and stealing kisses during the commercials.  Alex knows he wants to spend the rest of his life just like this.

“I was thinking,” Michael begins as the credits roll.  

Alex turns off the television and turns to give Michael his full attention.  “About what?” he asks gently when he sees the way Michael is twisting his hands.

“I got the schedule for the adoption orientation meetings, and the one closest to Roswell is in three weeks,” he takes a deep breath and looks at Alex seriously. “I think we should go.”

It feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room.  Alex stares at Michael for a minute before his brain kicks back in.  “Orientation, yeah we can, I mean we should,” he stumbles.

“It’s the first step,” Michael reminds him - as if they hadn’t researched and talked about this before.  “We have to go before we can apply or anything, and this seemed like our best chance.”

“No, you’re right,” Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and tries to smooth over his misstep.  “It makes sense to go when it’s close to home.  Just send me the info, and I’ll put it in my calendar,”

“Are you sure?” Michael asks.

“Of course.  You know I should take Charlie out,” he adds before Michael can ask him any more questions.  Charlie - the retriever mix Michael brought home from the junkyard a few months ago - has been sleeping at their feet and grumbles when Alex nudges him.  But he gets up and follows Alex when he calls, sharper than he meant to, “Charlie, door.”

Michael doesn’t bring it up again, but Alex can feel the careful way Michael watches him when they get ready for bed.  He turns out the light quickly and pulls Michael close, his whispered good night a plea for Michael to leave it alone for now.

The next day Alex stops by the Wild Pony on his way home from work.  It’s early enough that he knows Maria can take a break to talk to him.  He’s barely started on his beer when she sits down across from him.

Maria studies him for a moment, narrows her eyes and demands, “What’s wrong?”

“I fucked up, with Michael,” he clarifies.  Maria doesn’t say anything, just stares at him until he starts talking again.  “He brought up adoption, and I froze.”  

“I thought you talked about kids before?”

“We have, but it was always something we would do someday.  Now Michael thinks this could be that someday, and I panicked,” Alex shrugs.  “He hasn’t said anything, but he definitely noticed.”

“So what are you going to tell him,” Maria asks.  “Have you changed your mind about wanting a family?”

“No, I still want that.  I just thought we had more time.  We’ve only been married a year, and for the first time in my life I’m really happy,” Alex can’t help smiling when he thinks about his life with Michael.  “I don’t know if I’m ready to change that.”

“Wanting more time isn’t a bad thing, and I’m sure Michael will understand.  But I don’t think that’s the only problem,” Maria adds.

“Michael’s always known what he wants - marriage, kids, a white picket fence and a dad band.  He’ll be an amazing father.”

“What about you?” Maria asks when he doesn’t say anything else.

“All I ever wanted was out, and then I wanted Michael.  I never pictured myself as a father because I don’t know what one should be.  It took me over ten years to figure out how to love Michael.  I can’t ask a child to wait for me to figure my shit out.”

“Alex,” Maria takes his hand.  “You’re being too hard on yourself.  I know you don’t see it, but you are a caretaker at heart.  Look at everything you did for Mimi, the way you welcomed Greg back into your life, all the risks you took to protect the people you love.  You may not think you know how to love people, but we all feel it.”

“Maria,” Alex looks away to hide the tears in his eyes.

“You need to talk to Michael, Alex, you know that.  You’ll be a wonderful father, if that’s what you want.  If you aren’t ready now, just be honest about that.  But if it really is fear holding you back, have more faith in yourself. Besides you already have Charlie,” Maria teases, knowing Alex needs the mood lightened.

“Charlie is a dog,” he gives Maria an unimpressed look.

“A dog with homemade food, more toys than most children and who you or Michael take to work if you think he looks lonely.”

“You might have a point,” Alex concedes with a sheepish smile. They talk for a few more minutes, general catch up, until Maria gets called back to work by one of the bartenders.  “Thank you,” Alex hugs her before he leaves, feeling more settled than when he arrived.

The house is quiet when he gets home.  Alex laughs, thinking of Maria’s teasing when he realizes Michael must have taken Charlie to the junkyard with him.  So Alex starts dinner and throws in a load of laundry.  A few minutes after he takes the lasagna out of the oven, Michael walks in, Charlie at his heels.

“Smells good,” he compliments before greeting Alex with a kiss.

“Thanks, you want to shower while it cools?”

“Only if you come with me,” Michael pulls at Alex's hand.

It’s easy to follow.  To let Michael run the water hotter than Alex would and set up the shower chair.  He pulls Michael into his lap and washes his hair for him, loving the way Michael arches into his touch.  Michael stands up long enough to wash himself quickly while Alex does the same, then he’s back in Alex’s lap.

“My turn,” he says, reaching for the shampoo.

It doesn’t take long, but Michael lingers.  Running his hands through Alex’ hair long after the shampoo is rinsed out, kissing his neck and mindlessly rolling his hips into Alex’s.  

“Let me,” Alex says when the friction is just shy of enough.  He reaches down and strokes their cocks together, everything slippery and warm, his hand gliding easily until they both come.

Michael pours them each a glass of wine with dinner, and Alex lets himself relax into the evening, waiting until they’re once again cuddling on the couch to bring up his concerns.

“I’m sorry about last night,” he begins.

“You don’t need to be sorry,” Michael tells him.  “But I do want you to tell me what’s wrong.  I thought this was something you wanted too.”

“It is.  I do want a family with you.  But realizing it might actually happen scared me.”  It’s hard for Alex to admit that, but he pushes forward.  “When I think about us having kids, I can see you with them, but I can’t figure out how I fit in.  I am afraid I won’t know how to be a parent.”

“Alex, I��ve always wanted kids, you know that.  But I would never force that on you.  And I wouldn’t,” Michael pauses before speaking again.  “I wouldn’t bring kids into a home if I wasn’t sure they would be safe and loved.  I know your heart, Alex, maybe better than you do.”

Alex kisses Michael softly then rests his head on his shoulder.  “You think I can do this?”

“I do,” Michael reassures him.  “But you don’t have to.  Especially if you’re only doing it for me.”

“I wouldn’t be,” Alex shakes his head and kisses Michael’s shoulder.  “The orientation is just the first step right?”

“Right, and the whole process takes time.  They aren’t just going to hand a bunch of kids over to us after a presentation.  It’s not a commitment.”

“But it’s a start.  I think we should go.”

“If you’re sure,” Michael confirms.

Alex might never be completely sure, but he knows he wants to try.  “I am.”

Alex doesn’t know if it is intentional, but the orientation feels like a support group meeting.  The chairs are arranged in a semicircle surrounding a long table for the speakers.  There’s coffee and water for tea and a platter of cookies from one of the big chain stores.  

There are only about ten other people there, and while Michael chats with the couple closest to them, Alex sits silently, clutching Michael’s hand.  They are asked to introduce themselves, and he lets Michael handle that too, smiling when he says “this is my husband Alex.”  But he lets the rest of the introductions fade into the background as he studies the room for exits, checks for threats he knows aren’t there.

The first half is a presentation reviewing the steps of the adoption process.  Alex and Michael know them - application, 32 hour parenting class, 4 mandatory counseling sessions, home study, interviews with family and friends.  Alex’s mind stumbles on the last one, grateful again his father is dead.  He knows, though, he never would have attempted this if Jesse were still alive, never would have taken the risk, no matter how small, that Jesse could hurt another child.

Michael’s a little restless during the presentation, and Alex doesn’t blame him.  The material is dry, and Michael has it all memorized.  But Alex appreciates how each step is broken down in detail.  It helps him to treat this like a  mission with a series of individual tasks they can accomplish in pursuit of a larger goal.

They take a break after, and Alex tries to socialize a bit while he makes himself and Michael each a cup of bad coffee.  Alex has spent so much of his life hiding, it’s hard for him to answer questions without searching for an ulterior motive, and he’s relieved when they are called back to their seats.

For the next hour, three couples talk about their adoption experience.  Alex appreciates that they don’t try and sugarcoat it.  They do talk about the good stuff - the first time their adopted child calls them mom, the first Christmas they got everything on the list from Santa, seeing their child graduate, even grandchildren.  But they talk about the hard parts too - the kids who will never call them mom and dad, the older children who needed a mentor more than a parent and don’t keep in touch, hearing the horrors their children experienced and knowing they can never make it all go away.

Some of the couples look at each other nervously, and Alex wonders if they will change their minds.  He wouldn’t blame them, but Alex feels better after hearing the stories and realizing that it’s hard for everyone, that he won't be the only one who struggles.  

When Michael asks him what he thinks on the way home, he's able to be honest when he answers, “I think we can do this.”

They fill out the application that night, and two weeks later they have their intake interview with a social worker named Beth.  Alex did his research before the appointment and knows Beth is a few years older than they are and has worked for New Mexico’s Children, Youth and Families Department since she received her Masters Degree.  She is welcoming and cheerful in a way that makes Alex want to ask her how she hasn’t burned out yet.

They talk about their schedules and hobbies, the people in their lives, and it’s easy in a way Alex knows not to trust.  

Beth’s smiling when she tells them they’re almost done, but Alex can tell from how she’s watching them, the calculation in her eyes, that this is probably the only part of the whole interview that matters.  “Last question, why adoption with CYFD?  There are other, easier, ways to start a family.  So why choose this?”

“Like I told you,” Michael begins, “I grew up in the system.  And while I’d like to believe it’s gotten better, even good foster homes can’t replace a family. They’re good kids, stuck waiting for someone to love them, and if Alex and I can do that for at least a few of them, we want to.”

Alex squeezes Michael’s hand and wishes for the millionth time he could go back and change things for him.  Beth turns her attention to him, and he knows he needs to answer, that he can’t rely on Michael to carry him through this.  “One thing you’ll find out eventually is that I grew up in an abusive home,” Alex clears his throat and forces himself to keep talking.  “Michael and I both know what it’s like to grow up without a safe or loving home.  And what I didn't realize until I was older is how much that affects everything you do, every choice you make.  It limits your life in ways you don’t notice because you are so busy trying to survive that you can’t really dream or take risks.  We can give that, a safe and loving home, for kids who need it so they’ll be able to be who they want to be, not just who they are allowed to be.”

He can see Michael trying to hide his surprise - not at one Alex said, but that he was willing to share it with someone else.  Beth seems pleased with his answer though, so Alex thinks his discomfort is worth it.  Alex isn’t  sure it will ever be easy for him to share his feelings, but  opening up to Michael is the best thing he’s ever done, now he just has to keep trying.

“Ok,” Beth clasps her hands together, bringing their attention back to her.  “Let’s talk next steps.  You can register for the parenting class online, and Caleb will be your therapist.”  She slides a business card across his desk.  “You can call his office to set up your appointments.  Once those two things are done, we’ll move on to interviews with your family and friends, background checks for anyone who might be alone with the children.  Then your home study, and you’ll be in the home stretch.”

They decide to start with the parenting classes, partly because they are only offered a few times a year and partly because neither of them are eager to dive into counseling.  It’s obvious most of the other participants view the class as a formality - a box to be checked off rather than something they need.  And Alex understands, the information is basic, designed to cover the most common questions and scenarios, but it hits him and Michael differently.

They even joke about it with Sam and Meredith, an older couple in the class.  They had their children young and decided fostering was the best answer to their empty nest syndrome.  “It was either this,” Meredith explained, “or pestering our children for grandkids we know they aren’t ready for.”

“This class must be pretty useless to you,” Michael remarks.  “You already raised your kids, you know what you're doing.”

“One thing we definitely learned,” Sam says with a laugh, “is that when it comes to kids you never really know what you are doing.  This early stuff is old hat, we know what we need for the house, know kids need clothes and toys.  But we are hoping they’ll talk more about how to help kids through the transition to foster care, how to make them feel like it is a home, even if it’s temporary.  That’s what we need.”

“Do you think we’ll learn anything that will prepare us for that?” Alex asks.

“No, not really,” Meredith admits.  “But any tips will help.”

It’s one of those early sessions that leaves Michael quiet and withdrawn.  Even Alex isn’t giving the presenter his full attention - periodically checking his email - while they review the physical requirements expected of a foster home.  He can feel the disinterest in the room as the topics reviewed feel like they should go without saying - running water and electricity, enough beds for all the children in the home, supervision to make sure the children attend school, commitment to providing fresh, hot meals.

But Alex feels Michael tense beside him, and he remembers nothing should be taken for granted.  Michael’s quiet all night, hanging back while Alex talks to Sam and Meredith about good places to shop for children’s furniture and clothing.  He doesn’t say much on the way home either, waiting until they are in bed - Alex wrapped around him from behind and Charlie sprawled across their feet - to bring it up.

“Do you think there were families like Sam and Meredith then, and what - I just didn’t get them?” he finally asks.  “Bad luck of the draw?”

Alex hesitates because there is no good answer.  “I think there have always been good and bad families, all we can hope is they are getting better at weeding out the bad.”

Michael snorts.  “Can’t do much worse than they did with me.”

“You deserved better,” Alex tells him, slipping his hand under Michael’s tank top and resting it over his heart.  “You deserved better then and you deserve better now.”

“I have better now,” Michael squeezes Alex’s hand.  “I have the best now, but when you take a kid with a shit life and tell them you are going to make it better only to put them in a situation that’s just as bad, if not worse, it’s pretty hard for them to believe they deserve better.”

Alex knows there is nothing he can say to heal that hurt so he kisses the back of Michael’s neck and holds him tighter.

As the class progresses, it’s Alex who becomes unsettled.  The focus shifts to understanding what traumas children in the system might have gone through, and how to handle common parenting situations.  Participation becomes part of the class as they are asked to share ideas and concerns as a group.  The more Alex listens and hears what a family should be like, the more he realizes just how much Jesse hurt him.

It’s not just the physical abuse - Alex likes to think he came to terms with that years ago.  But it’s seeing how Jesse harmed him in other ways. How he isolated Alex, by restricting his free time and more tellingly by turning his brothers against him.  Jesse continually set Alex up for failure and then used his failure against him as an example of weakness.  He singled Alex out for criticism and punishment in ways that made it seem like Alex was the problem.  

In hindsight, Alex realizes they should have taken a break after the parenting classes before scheduling their counseling sessions.  They wanted to keep the process moving, but Alex was resistant to therapy in general, and going into when he was haunted by Jesse in ways he hadn’t been since the first months after his death was not his best decision.

They meet up with Maria the night before the first session, and the familiar comfort of spending time with her lulls him into a false sense of security.

“I can’t believe you're going to a therapist named Caleb,” she teases.

“What’s wrong with Caleb?” Michael asks at the same time Alex says, “I researched him, and his qualifications are legitimate.”

Maria ignores Alex and answers Michael instead.  “I don’t know, Caleb just sounds like a frat boy.”

“I think you’re confusing Caleb with Chad,” Alex smirks at her.

Maria sticks her tongue out in response.  “But seriously,” she says after they stop laughing, “how are things going?”

“Good,” Michael says, looking to Alex for confirmation.  Alex nods and pulls Michael closer against his side.  “We have a lot left to do, but each step we take makes it feel more real, like it will actually happen.”

“I can’t believe it,” Maria shakes her head.  “I guess if any of us were going to be parents, it would be you two.  But still.”

“We’ve got some time left before that happens,” Alex reassures her.  “Did I tell you we’re looking for a house?”

“No!  You want to move?”

Alex shrugs, “I wasn’t thinking about a family when I bought the house.  We need something with more bedrooms and a bigger yard.”

Maria looks at him, and Alex can tell she’s trying to read him, see if his doubts are lingering.  Whatever she finds makes her smile, “Not that you need it, but good luck - with the house and all of it.”

Alex wishes for Maria’s luck when Michael slams the door open after they come home from their first session with Caleb.

“What the hell was that, Alex,” he demands.

“I don’t know why you’re mad at me.  I didn’t do anything,” Alex insists even though he knows that’s not exactly true.

“That’s one way to put it,” Michael agrees sarcastically. “You barely said a word, and you looked at Caleb like he was one step away from becoming the subject of a Deep Sky investigation.  Could you have made it any more obvious that you didn’t want to be there?”

“That’s not what I was doing.”  Alex reaches for Michael only to sigh when Michael crosses his arms and steps back.  “I need this session to study him, to figure out what he wants from me.”

“What does that even mean?”

“There were times in the Air Force - after a bad mission or after I got hurt - that I had to be cleared before returning to duty.  It was routine, we knew what to say.  ‘Loss of life is regrettable but unavoidable.  My belief in our mission remains steady.’  And just as important we knew what not to say.  You didn’t admit that you hadn’t slept for a week because of nightmares or that you had no idea what the actual mission was.  I don’t know the script here, and I just need time to figure it out.”

“Alex,” Michael sits on the couch and holds out his hand for Alex to join him.  “This isn’t a test.”

Alex sits next to Michael, but only raises a brow in response.

“Ok,” Michael concedes, “ it is a test.  But not one you need to cheat to pass.”

“We were trained to say the right thing, to never consider the truth.”  Alex picks up Michael’s hand, playing with his fingers before lacing them with his. “I’m not trained for this, and I don't want to screw this up for us.”

“You won’t.  I know it’s hard, and there are secrets we have to keep.  But we aren’t trying to win here, we’re trying to be good parents.  Obviously, we can’t tell Caleb I am an alien,” Michael begins.

“Or that my father ran a prison for aliens and my brother killed him,” Alex finishes.

“So those are things that are off limits,” Michael laughs.  “But who we are, the things we went through, and who we want to be, we don’t have to be ashamed of any of that.  We’re good people Alex, we don’t need to hide that.”

“I love you,” Alex tells him because he has to.  Michael’s come so far, and Alex won’t let his fear hold him back.  “I’ll try next time.”

“I love you too. And you won’t be there alone.  I’ll be right there with you.”

It’s still hard at the next session to open up.  He listens to Michael talk about his fear of not being good enough, of always being the one left behind.  Pride at Michael’s courage and honesty wars with his own guilt for being one of the people who left Michael behind.  They’ve been holding hands since they sat down, and Alex rubs his thumb in soothing circles as Michael talks.

When Caleb turns his attention to Alex, he grips Michael’s hand tightly as he stumbles through a description of his childhood, the hole his mother’s absence left, and the fear his father instilled in him.

Caleb studies him for a moment before asking, “What’s the worst thing your father did to you?”

Alex opens his mouth, but nothing comes out.  He turns to Michael, can’t help looking at his hand, but the answer still doesn’t come.  Finally he says, “He made me afraid to be happy.”

Michael makes a noise when he hears Alex’s answer, and even Alex is surprised by what he said, but he knows it’s true.

“And now?” Caleb prompts him.

“I’m happy and he’s dead,” Alex answers without thinking about it.  This time Michael laughs and even Caleb smiles.

“We can work with that,” he tells Alex.

Alex feels himself relax for the first time since they met Caleb.  It's not that therapy is easy, but Alex stops fighting it.  Caleb gives them homework each session.  Sometimes it’s easy- like list five ways Michael thinks Alex will be a good father and vice versa.  Sometimes it seems easy, but brings up more than they expect - like the time he asks Michael to list the people in his life he knows he can count on and give an example of when they have been there for him.  Michael can only work on it a person at a time, the reality of the support he has overwhelming.  And other times, it ties them up in knots from the beginning - like asking Alex to list the ways he’s not like his father.  He has nightmares for days, but feels freer when they discuss it in their final mandatory session.

When Caleb signs off on their confirmation form, they ask him to take them on as regular clients.  They agree to start with monthly sessions, and it feels like a good thing, not a punishment.  Alex has never been afraid to work for what he wants, and he can do what he needs to so he’s a good father.

Midway through their mandatory sessions, they find a house.  It’s in a rural section of Roswell, but still only twenty minutes from the center of town.  The house is big and needs some updating, but Michael is happy to handle that with some help - or at least company - from Max. The best part is the setting.  The house sits on five acres - already fenced in and includes two barns.  Once the home study is over, they plan to convert one of the barns into a workshop for Michael to replace his bunker.  And as for the other, Michael is talking about chickens before they even move in.

“Kids first, then livestock,” Alex teases him.  He surprises Michael with a greenhouse, and that’s enough to occupy him for a while.  

Everything seems to be falling into place, and Alex can’t help but notice how excited Michael is becoming.  He points out families with children when they are out, nudging Alex and whispering, “That will be us soon.”

Michael’s meant to be a father, Alex has known this for a long time.  It’s easy to picture Michael showing a little boy the alien Rosa drew in the Crashdown window or walking through downtown with a little girl riding on his shoulders.  But now Alex is starting to see himself there too.  He can imagine himself swinging their daughter off Michael’s shoulders to give her a kiss or helping their son finish the sundae he begged for, but can only eat half of.  It surprises him how much he wants it, how much he wants to share all that with Michael.

Alex thought therapy would be the worst part of the process, but the home study is more stressful than he expected.  They’ve talked to Beth a few times since their initial interview, and Alex is used to her cheerful determination.  He assumed she would be doing the home study, but they are required to use an approved company which means dealing with a stranger.

It’s a struggle not to bristle at the feeling of being judged, of knowing all his answers are being dissected.  But Alex does his best to be honest, and realizes how far he’s come when he can answer a question about what type of father he wants to be with something other than a sarcastic remark about anything being better than the example he had growing up.  Michael is charming, and Alex tries, but it’s still a relief when Beth  calls to tell them they passed with flying colors.

Alex always knew he would be the one to ruin it.

“Alex!” Michael throws open the door of the truck.  “Are you ok?”

It’s a stupid question, they both know Alex isn’t ok.  They’re supposed to be in Beth’s office making a plan to meet the children they would potentially adopt. Instead, Alex is sitting in the truck trying, and failing, to hold back tears.  He only made it through the first ten minutes of the appointment before bolting, and he can’t imagine what Michael must be thinking.

Alex feels Michael’s hand on his leg, his touch tentative in a way that makes Alex feel even worse.

“What’s going on?” Michael asks quietly.  “If you changed your mind, you just have to tell me.”

“It’s not that,” Alex says hastily.  He wipes his face, but looks away from Michael or he knows the tears will continue.  “I still want a family with you, I do, I just can’t”

“Can’t what?” Michael prompts when Alex doesn’t continue.  “Come on, move over,” Michael tells him with a sigh.  He climbs in and sits next to Alex when Alex slides over to the middle of the seat.  It takes some maneuvering, but Alex ends up leaning on Michael’s chest, Michael’s hand stroking his back.  “You need to talk to me, Alex.  Not to be dramatic but you're starting to freak me out.”

“I can’t pick,” he admits quietly.  Alex knows this is his own fault for being unprepared.  This was the only step of the process he hasn’t researched extensively, and it left him blindsided.  Alex expected Beth to show them the profiles of the children she thought would be the best fit, they would meet them a few times, and if all went well, they would proceed with the adoption.  He was unprepared for her to turn her computer screen toward them, and show them a page filled with thumbnail pictures of children along with brief descriptions of what they like and why they were available for adoption.  He could see the multiple page numbers at the bottom of the screen, and it felt like being introduced to the worst kind of dating app.

“What do you mean?”

 “How am I, are we, supposed to look at all those kids and decide who deserves a home?  How are we supposed to say we’ll take this one, but not that one?”  Alex asks, almost pleading for Michael to have an answer he can live with.

“That’s not what we’re doing,” Michael runs a hand through his hair.  “Placement is about trying to figure out the best match so that the adoption has the best chance for success.  That’s what all the interviews and therapy and home study were about, figuring out which kids will fit with us.”

“And what if we pick wrong?”

“That’s what this meeting is for so Beth can help us.  She knows us, she knows some of the kids, and she’s done this before.  We aren’t making a final decision today.  We can take our time,” Michael reassures him.

“That’s not what I mean.  Even if we do everything right, and it all works out, it doesn't mean we didn’t miss something.   That we didn’t overlook,” Alex stumbles, trying to find the right words.  “I’m afraid that we won’t see, that will leave behind,”

Alex can see the moment Michael gets it.  He was right when he said he knew Alex’s heart better than he did.  “What if you leave me behind?”

“How many people passed you by without ever really seeing you?  You were so good Michael, and you deserved so much more than you got.  I looked at that screen, and every kid reminded me of you.  I can’t do this,” Alex admits, turning away again so he doesn’t have to look at Michael, and see the kindness he doesn’t deserve.  Alex had been expecting Michael to break down at some point, overwhelmed at dealing with the system that had failed him, had been preparing himself to help Michael through it.  Instead Alex is the one falling apart, forcing Michael to comfort him.

“Alex, we could adopt every kid Beth shows us, and it won’t change anything for me.  You can’t fix what’s already happened.” Michael turns Alex’s face so he’s looking at him again, wiping away his remaining tears and kissing him softly. “If we go through with this it has to be because we are ready to start a family not because you’re trying to save me.”

“I’m not trying to save you, I just don’t want to fail you.”

“I know,” Michael closes his eyes briefly.  “And I love you for it.  Listen, I’m going to go back in, let Beth know we need to reschedule.  Why don’t you call Caleb’s office and see if we can get in this week.”

They don’t talk on the way home, but by silent agreement decide to reset once they get there - doing their best to act like nothing has changed.  It’s easier to pretend, at least until their appointment with Caleb.  Michael holds Alex’s hand and listens while Alex tries to explain why he panicked.  He does his best to reassure Michael that he does want to adopt, but they all agree that it’s best to put things on hold for a month or two so Alex can untangle his feelings about adoption from his feelings about Michael.

Three weeks later, Greg calls.

“Hey, are you and Michael still looking into adoption?”

“Yes,” Alex replies.  It’s easier than he thought it would be to answer, but he knows despite his setback, they haven’t given up..

“One of my students is looking for a family to adopt her baby, and I thought you might be interested.”

“Jesus,” Alex says, horrified.  “You teach fourth grade.”

“Former student, sorry,” Greg clarifies.  “She just finished her freshman year at Stanford and is home for the summer.  Baby’s due in a few months, and she didn’t find a match in California so she thought she’d try closer to home.  What do you think?”

They never talked about a baby, but as the idea settles in his chest, Alex knows he wants to try.  “Yeah, I mean I have to run it by Michael, but I think he’ll want to meet her.”

They meet Amber a week later in Greg’s kitchen.  Greg introduces them, and then leaves, telling them to make themselves at home.  Amber has dark hair pulled back into a bun and wide, intelligent eyes.  Alex’s first thought is that she is too young for this - too young to have a baby, too young to make this kind of decision.  But when she starts talking, he realizes quickly that while she may be too young for all this responsibility, she’s not a child.

Michael asks her about school, and she immediately launches into a detailed description of the genetic research she’s doing and the advanced program she was accepted into. Alex doesn’t understand most of what she’s talking about, but she reminds him so much of Liz it almost hurts to look at her.

Michael lights up and starts talking about some of the research he helped Liz with - leaving out the alien origins of it.  Alex is happy to sit back and let the details pass him by, drawn in as he always is by watching Michael talk about something he is passionate about.

“Where did you go to school?” Amber asks.

“I didn’t,” Michael’s smile falters.  “Had a scholarship after high school, but things didn’t work out.  I’m just always studying on my own.  Liz, the woman I mentioned, she has multiple doctorates so I just follow her lead.”

“You more than keep up,” Alex reminds him.  He lifts Michael’s hand - his left hand - and kisses it softly.  He knows what happened in the shed isn’t the only reason Michael gave up college, but a part of him will always hold some guilt over Michael’s lost dreams.

Amber’s eyes dart between them before she turns her attention to Alex. “What about you?”

“I was in the Air Force for about ten years. Got my degree while I was enlisted, computer engineering.”

“Alex is one of the best hackers in the world,” Michael says proudly.

Alex shoots Michael a look, not sure his hacking skills are something to brag about.  “I mostly work in research data analysis now. The company I work for tries to take the information available to us and apply it to previously unexplained events or phenomena like,” Alex searches his mind for an example he can share, “the Bermuda Triangle. I was trained in code breaking in the military so my sub specialty is languages.  There is a lot we can use computers for when it comes to recovering dead languages or translating symbol based languages.”

What he doesn’t say of course is his interest in language is fueled by his need to discover how many previously dismissed references to aliens are real.  So much of his work is rooted in getting answers for Michael, but he can’t tell Amber that.  Still, she seems happy with his answer.

“So you understand then, why I need to go back to school.  Why I can’t let this,” she gestures to her stomach, the first real reference any of them have made to why they are there, “stop me.”

Alex nods, not sure what to say.  But he remembers her enthusiasm when talking about her research and how her smile dimmed when even the possibility of her not returning to school was mentioned, and he reaches for the notepad Michael brought with him, writes down Liz’s email and hands it to Amber.  “This is Liz, our friend's email.  She would be a great resource or mentor.  Her parents are immigrants so she knows what it’s like to be a minority woman in science.  She’s told us about how much her mentor helped her, and I know she would be happy to talk to you.” 

“I didn’t offer you the baby yet,” Amber reminds him, her eyes narrowing.

“It’s not a bribe,” Alex explains, hoping he didn’t screw things up already.  “Like I said, Liz knows the challenges you’ll face, and it shouldn’t be any harder for you than it needs to be.  If we’ve learned anything from working with her,  it’s that changing the work is a lot easier with help. It’s just an offer, no strings.”

“Ok,” she nods and takes the paper.  “I have some questions.”

She doesn’t ask them anything they haven’t been asked before - by Beth, by Caleb, during the home study.  But Alex tries to be more open, a little more honest with her.  They show her pictures of the house and of Charlie.  Michael talks about his plans for chickens and maybe goats, shows her the greenhouse and the fields.

“This is our first crop of sunflowers at the house.  See how tall they are already.  Sanders grumbles about the drive, but he knows we have better soil,” he says proudly.

“Sanders?” Amber asks.

“Sanders and I have been growing prize winning sunflowers for a few years now.  He’s my boss at the junkyard, but he’s family too.  He’ll be the closest the kids will have to a grandfather.”

“Don’t forget Arturo,” Alex adds.

“True.  But Sanders, uhh, here let me show you.”  Michael pulls something up on his phone and hands it to Amber.  “He’s not much for pictures, but he let us take a few at the wedding.”

Michael ends up going through the whole wedding album he has saved on his phone, introducing her to everyone in their family as he scrolls through the photos.  “Are you singing?” Amber asks when they come to a picture of Michael on stage.

“Yeah,” Michael blushes and rubs the back of his neck.  “It was a surprise for Alex at the reception.  But he’s the real musician in the family.  Writes his own music, he’s even written me a few songs.  He’ll definitely be in charge of singing the kids to sleep.”

“What do you play?

“Guitar and keyboard mostly.  We bought a piano when we bought the house and that’s what I like to compose on.  My first guitar was actually a hand me down from Greg,” Alex laughs. “Michael had it for a while too.”

Amber looks curious at the mention of Greg.  “How long have you been married?  Was Greg still in the Navy?”

“No, he couldn’t make the wedding because of school,” Alex explains, assuming she is wondering why he wasn’t there.

“We’ve been married almost two years,” Michael adds.  “But it’s been on and off since high school.”

“High school?”  Amber’s eyes widen.  “Sounds like an epic love story.”

“Cosmic,” Michael mumbles.  Alex elbows him, but smiles.

“It took us a while to figure things out, but we’ve always loved each other.  It’s always been Michael,” Alex shrugs.

Amber hands the phone back to Michael, “It seems like you have a beautiful family.”

“Thanks, I know it’s probably a cliche, but that’s what we want for our kids.  From what we told you, I’m sure you figured out our childhoods sucked.”  They all laugh.  “But we can give our kids all the things we didn’t have.  A place to run around, a chance to just be kids and do whatever they want if that’s sports or art or reading.  They can do what they want and have the freedom to make mistakes because they’ll have people who will love them and support them no matter what.  More than just us, you know.”

“I know you have questions too, but I’ll just get the big ones out of the way.  There’s no father, at least not one that I can name.  I aced my first big exam and decided to celebrate.  Found out there really is such a thing as being blackout drunk.  I woke up the next morning on someone’s couch with half my clothes missing.  I have no idea who I was with.  Is that a problem?”

Amber tells the story with no emotion, just a statement of fact, and Alex can tell she doesn’t want sympathy so he just shakes his head and sees Michael do the same.

“Good,” Amber nods.  “I was working with an agency in California so I’ve had all the counseling sessions. I’m not going to change my mind.  I don’t know if I ever want to be a mother, but I know I don’t want to be one now.  I’d have to move back here, drop out of Stanford, and what, if I’m lucky, go to community college once she starts school?”

“She?” Michael asks.  Alex sees him wince, knows he didn’t mean to interrupt, but they hadn’t known the baby was a girl.

“Yes, and she deserves better than a mother who resents her.  I worked too hard to get into Stanford to become another girl from the rez who can’t hack in the real world,”  Amber stops, bitterness lacing her voice, and shakes her head.  When she speaks again, her tone is softer.  “That’s what happened to my mom, and she always told me I ruined her life.  I want better for her.”

Before either of them can respond, Amber excuses herself to go to the restroom.  She seems more composed when she comes back, accepting the iced tea Alex poured while she was gone.

“So what do you want to know?”

Alex turns to Michael, watches as he picks up his notebook and turns to his list of questions.  “What kind of contact do you want after the adoption,” he asks.

“None,” Amber shrugs.  “I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person, but I don’t think of her as my daughter.  This is a process I’m going through, and once she’s born my part is done.  My grandmother would probably like a picture every now and then, but that’s up to you.  She lives here so you can contact her through Greg if you want.”

That brings up a concern Alex has.  “Obviously you know Greg’s my brother, but other than visiting him the last few years, I haven’t been on the reservation since my mom left.  I don’t have much of a connection to that side of my heritage.  Is that a problem?”

“Will you answer questions if she has them?  Help her learn what it means to be Native if she wants?”  When Alex nods she seems satisfied.  “That’s enough.  When I go back to school I’m never coming back so it would be pretty hypocritical of me to judge you for that.”

“She would spend time here, with us and Greg, it just isn't’ something that’s part of our daily lives,” Alex clarifies.

“What else?” she asks.

Alex watches Michael look over his list of questions before closing the notebook. “I don’t think there is anything else we need to know.”  He looks to Alex for confirmation.  “This is for you to get to know us, see if we might be the kind of people you want to adopt your baby.  We’re not here to judge you.  So if you have more questions or want to see the house or whatever, go for it.  But we’re good.”

“Ok,” Amber agrees.

“So, we can give our numbers or you can reach out though Greg once you’ve made a decision,” Alex tells her.

“I met with several families in California, and they were all nice, but it never felt right.  I think it’s because I was waiting for you.  I don’t need time.  If you want her, she’s yours.”

“Really,” Michael’s face lights up.

“Of course we do, thank you,” Alex forces out, his throat tight.  “We have a case worker so we’ll get in touch with her and figure out what’s next.”

When they are walking out to their cars, Alex texting Greg to let him know he can come back, Michael stops Amber.  “I do have one question.  Do you have any thoughts on a name?”

“She’s your daughter, you pick the name,” Amber reminds them.  “Just let me know, and I’ll have it put on the original birth certificate.”

They sit in the truck together and watch her drive away, Michael making no move to start the truck.  “We’re going to be dads.  I can’t believe it,” he turns to Alex, tears shining in his eyes.

“We have a daughter,” Alex says in awe. He gives Michael a watery smile.

“Do you want to name her Nora?” he asks Michael once they are on the way home.  Michael turns to briefly look at him, but doesn’t answer right away.

“She needs her own name,” Michael tells him once they are home.  “I don’t want her to feel like she has to live up to something or be a replacement.”

They call Beth the next morning. She tells them that since Amber is an enrolled member of the Tribe, the adoption needs to be approved by the Tribal Council.  That also means Beth can handle the paperwork rather than requiring them to go with a private agency that handles infant adoptions. She meets them at the hearing, and Alex can’t help but apologize for not following through on their plans.

“Alex, there’s nothing to be sorry about.  Would I have loved to place one of my kids with you, of course I would.  But a child who needs a family is going to be raised in a loving home.  How can I not see that as a win?”

“It feels like this is what was supposed to happen,” he admits.

“Then let’s go get you your daughter.”

Since Alex is also an enrolled member, and they’ve committed to enrolling the baby, the hearing is mostly a formality. Greg comes and speaks on their behalf, and in less than an hour, the adoption is approved.

The hearing is also the last time they see Amber in person.  They talk for a few minutes after, but Alex can tell while she’s obviously relieved, she doesn’t want to linger.  Her smile brightens when Michael tells her the name they’ve chosen, Amirah Estelle.

“It’s beautiful, I think she’ll love it.”

There’s no way to thank her for what she is giving them so they just try not to make it awkward.  They introduce her to Beth, and quietly say goodbye, leaving them to discuss the details of what comes next for Amber.

Their second anniversary falls a month before Amber’s due date, and they spend a week at Eduardo’s villa in Mexico celebrating.  It has a private beach, and Alex watches the sun turn Michael’s skin a deep gold while lightening his curls so he glows in a way that makes Alex’s chest hurt.  Alex spends hours licking the salt from Michael’s skin while they get sleepy drunk on Valenti’s family tequila.  It’s perfect and the days stretch out and go by too fast at the same time.

“We won’t be able to do this next year,” Michael says on their last night.

Alex looks up from where he’d been dozing on Michael’s chest, listening to Michael’s heartbeat while Michael stroked his hair.  “Someone will take her for a few days, or we’ll just bring her with us.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah,” Alex props himself up on his elbow.  “I was afraid of losing this when you first mentioned kids.  I was worried about losing parts of you, but now I’m more excited about the parts of you I’ll gain.”

“Like what?” Michael asks, wiggling down on the bed so their faces are even.

“I want to see you hold our daughter, I want to see you show her the stars, and I want to see if you’ll be strict about homework or get thrown out of Little League games or if you’ll be the one to braid her hair.  I love everything about you, Michael.  And now I get to see you as a father and love you even more.”

“Alex,” Michael breathes, blinking back tears.  “I love you so much, and I can’t believe I get to have a baby with you.  You are going to be an amazing father.”

“I hope so,” Alex smiles at Michael’s confidence in him.  “But in the meantime, we should take advantage of our time alone.  He kisses Michael, laughing when Michael rolls them over, and there’s no more talking after that.

They come home to find a nursery painted in a muted version of the Oasian sky, stars dotting the ceiling and iridescent butteerflies and glowing birds flying across the walls.  The empty room they left behind is fully furnished, the closet and dresser filled with clothes.

“You said no baby shower, but you didn’t say no gifts,” Isobel reminds them when she shows them the room.  “Rosa’s been working on the design for weeks with Max so you better like it.”

It’s beautiful, and he and Michael find themselves in there several times a day.  Seeing the space for a baby in their home makes their impending parenthood finally feel real.

Beth is the one to call them when Amirah is born, and she meets them when they arrive.  “She looks great,” she immediately reassures them.  “Healthy and strong.  The hospital will keep her for forty-eight hours, and you can stay with her in one of the family rooms off the NICU.  If Amber signs the relinquishment papers, you can take her home after that.”

Neither of them ask what will happen if Amber doesn’t sign the papers, because they can’t think about that when they desperately want to meet their daughter.  She’s sleeping when they first see her, a tiny bundle in the hospital bassinet.  The lights are turned down low, but Alex can still see the way her hair peeps out from underneath her hat, see the curve of her cheek.

The nurse in the room fills them in on all her measurements - weight, length, APGAR score. “We want to do two hours of skin to skin contact with both of you to help with the bonding process.”

Alex knew this was coming, but it’s still awkward to take off their shirts and climb into a hospital bed together.  He nudges Michael to go first when the nurse comes over with Amirah.  She settles her against Michael’s chest and covers them with a blanket.  “Feel free to play music if you want or just talk to her.  I’ll be back when it’s time for her next bottle.  Just hit the alert button if you need anything.”

And then they’re alone, just the three of them.  And it hits Alex that it will be the three of them from now on.  He and Michael have a daughter.  Alex is sitting behind Michael so he tucks his face into his neck so he can see Amirah over Michael’s shoulder.

Alex watches as Michael carefully traces one finger over her face and down her back.  Amirah’s still asleep, but she wiggles slightly in response to Michael’s touch.  “She’s so beautiful,” Michael whispers.

“Mmmhmm,” Alex hums his agreement.  He turns his head to look at Michael, soaking in the love and awe on his face.  Tears fall silently, and Alex brushes them away before kissing his cheek.

There’s something intimate and peaceful about this time alone together, Alex holding Michael while he holds their daughter, the room dark and quiet.  He understands why the hospital recommends it.  Just when Amirah starts to fuss, the nurse comes in with her bottle.  She walks them through feeding and changing her.  When she is settled and checked over, they rearrange themselves on the bed, and this time the nurse hands Amirah to Alex.

She blinks up at him before falling back asleep, and he can’t believe how small and light she is for all the space she takes up in his heart.  Alex doesn’t cry when he holds her.  His love for her doesn’t feel soft - it’s fierce and already rooted deeper than he imagined.  He told Michael once that he would burn the world down for him, and he knows he would do the same for Amirah in a heartbeat.  Alex closes his eyes and settles himself and Amirah in Michael’s embrace and silently promises that her happiness and safety will always be his priority.

Their two days in the hospital are a nice bubble from the world, but they also go by quickly - a crash course in caring for a baby they both need.  Research and video tutorials can’t truly prepare them for a living child.  They learn that Amber was released the morning after Amirah was born, and she signs the relinquishment papers as soon as the forty-eight hours are up.  Greg later tells Alex that Amber spent a week with her grandmother before returning to Stanford for the second summer session.

Beth brings them all the paperwork they need to prove they have custody of Amirah once she is ready to be released.  She walks them out, hugging them both once Amirah is secure in her car seat.  “I’ll be by in a few weeks to check in on her, make sure you are all settling in.  And remember, you can’t post any pictures until the adoption is finalized.”

Michael laughs, “No worries there.  Alex has strong opinions about the dangers of social media.”

“It’s not just identity theft, which is easy enough, but anything you post can be manipulated.  I can’t believe how vulnerable people leave themselves for a few seconds on validation.”  Michael clears his throat, and Alex realizes he probably shouldn’t explain how he can - and has - used social media as a weapon against people he found profiting off stolen alien artifacts.  Beth doesn’t need to know he can ruin someone’s life in five minutes without ever leaving his desk.

“I can tell she’s in good hands,” Beth smiles at them.  “We’ll talk soon.”

Their first week at home is a disaster.  Everything that was so easy at the hospital becomes a battle.  Amirah doesn’t want to eat or sleep, she flails through her bath, making both Alex and Michael terrified of dropping her.  “Do you think it’s safe for me to catch her with telekinesis if we drop her?” he asks as they struggle to contain a slippery infant.

“It’s better than letting her hit the floor,” Alex admits.  “But we should probably stick with just not dropping her.”

Despite their eagerness to introduce her to their family, the constant stream of visitors makes it hard to settle into a routine.  Everyone has advice to give even though, Arturo excluded, they have no more experience with babies than Alex or Michael do.  Amirah shows a strong preference for Max - quieting the quickest when he holds her.  No one can figure out exactly what he’s doing, but it almost always works.

“Well it’s not an alien thing,” Isobel tells them when Amirah refuses to take a bottle from her.

“And it’s not a guy thing,” Kyle says, conceding defeat when none of his doctor tricks work on getting her to sleep.

“Don’t look at me,” Liz hands Amirah back to Max after she spits up on her.  “I’ll be her favorite as soon as she’s old enough for her first chemistry set.  But for now, Max is the baby whisperer.”

Eventually the visits slow to a manageable level and they settle into daily life with a baby.  Sanders bans Michael from the junkyard for two weeks, and Alex has twelve weeks of paternity leave.  It’s all bottles and diapers and figuring out snaps on clothes and still remembering to walk Charlie, but they make it work.

The first time Amirah reaches for him, kicking her legs and cooing, when he goes to pick her up, Alex finds himself tearing up.  He sits with Amirah in the recliner and lets himself cry the tears he didn’t have at the hospital.  As she watches him, eyes too wise for her age, he realizes it is not just about him loving her, it’s also about her loving him, about her looking to him for love and guidance and support. 

Michael finds him, and asks carefully, “Are you ok?”  When Alex nods, he settles on the floor in front of them, resting his head on Alex’s knee.  “It’s a lot, isn’t it.”

“I didn’t realize,” Alex’s voice trails off, not sure what he’s trying to say.

“I know,” Michael says. “She’s everything.”

Alex knows Michael understands everything he doesn’t have words for yet, and he’s so grateful they’re doing this together.  “Not just her,” Alex runs his hand through Michael’s hair.  

“Yeah,” Michael agrees, turning his head to kiss Alex’s knee.  Neither of them move until Amirah demands her dinner.

Amirah’s first cold is a week of sleepless nights and worrying.  Three days into it, Isobel arrives with dinner and a promise to walk with Amirah so they can eat and take a nap.  The food is delicious, but Alex’s eyes are dropping before he gets halfway through his milkshake.  He falls asleep on the couch while Michael is showing Isobel how the vaporizer works.

He wakes to voices and the smell of coffee and realizes Michael and Isobel must be in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe she’s still asleep,” Michael says.

“I may have encouraged her a bit,” Isobel replies.

Alex sits up, suddenly wide awake, but before he can get up he hears Michael say something he can’t quite make out.  Isobel laughs in response.

“I’m kidding.  No influencing the baby, I got it.”

Alex relaxes again, letting their conversation wash over him, tuning in when something catches his attention.

“You’re a good dad, Michael.  I knew you would be,” he hears Isobel tell Michael.

“You’ll be a good mom, too,” he assures her.

“Maybe,” Isobel sighs.  “I’m not sure it will happen for me.”

“Hey, my offer of baby gravy still stands.”

Alex makes a face at the same time he hears Isobel snort.

“I told you not to call it that.  And while I appreciate the offer, I figure it out myself if I’m ready.”

“If you change your mind, all you have to do is ask.”  Michael’s reply is the last thing Alex hears before he falls asleep again.

The next time he wakes up, the house is dark and Isobel is gone.  He checks on Amirah and finds her still asleep in her crib, breathing a little easier, Charlie guarding her from the hallway.  Michael is also asleep so Alex takes a quick shower before joining him in bed.  He watches Michael sleep and thinks of his conversation with Isobel.  Since they planned on adopting older children, they never talked about other options.  But Amirah changed that, and Alex wonders if Michael wants a child of his own - one with his curls or his quick mind.

He brings it up the next morning after Amirah’s bath.  “If we had another baby, would you want to use a surrogate?”

“What?” Michael looks up from where he’d been rubbing lotion onto Amirah’s legs.

“I heard you and Isobel talking last night,” Alex shrugs.  “We never considered it before, and I wondered if that’s something you’d want.”

“Nah,” Michael shakes his head before leaning down and blowing a raspberry on Amirah’s belly.  “You think I could love this one more if we shared some DNA.  No way.”

“It’s not about that, I just want you to have the option.”

“Don’t need it,” Michael insists.  “I have no desire to pass on my genetics.”  He holds up a hand when Alex starts to protest.  “I do it for Isobel if she asked, but it’s not how I want to build our family.  I like what we’re doing so far.  Ok?”

“Ok,” Alex agrees, picking up Amirah and wrestling her into a clean sleeper.

When Alex’s leave is up, he makes arrangements to work from home three days a week, and Michael adjusts his schedule so one of them is always home with Amirah.

“I can’t believe it,” Liz shakes her head when he tells her.  “I thought you’d be dying to get back to work.”

“Not really.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some projects I am eager to get back to, but I’d much rather work from home as much as I can.”  Alex peeks under the blanket he’d thrown over Amirah to make sure she was still asleep before shifting her a little higher on his chest.  Max and Liz had come over for dinner and it was warm enough for Liz and Alex to stay out on the deck while Max and Michael were in the workshop going over something for Max’s next visit to Oasis.  She snuffles a little so he kisses her forehead and shushes her softly. “That’s my girl,” he croones once she closes her eyes again.

“You're such a dad,” Liz smiles at him when he looks up. 

Alex smiles back, not the slightest bit concerned about letting everyone know how much he loves his daughter.  “She makes it easy.”

“No, I think it’s you.  You and Michael both, you’re meant for this.  Max will be an amazing father, too.  And we’re starting to talk about when and how that might happen, but I don’t think I’ll be the one staying home,” Liz admits hesitantly.

“That’s fine,” Alex reaches over and squeezes her hand.  “There’s no one way to do this, and you know that.  Besides, I don't think there is a safe way to run a genetics lab in the same house as children, and you still have a Nobel Prize to win.”

“True,” Liz laughs.

Alex looks at Liz and finally works up the courage to ask the question he’s been afraid to ask.  “Has she reached out to you?”

“Alex,” Liz chides him gently.  “Do you really want to know?”

“No,” Alex admits guiltily.  “It’s just I’m happy Liz, I’m so fucking happy, but I don’t know if Amber is.  And I don’t want to know because,” he tightens his hold on Amirah.  “Because I wouldn’t change anything.”

“You’re responsible for Amirah and her happiness, not Amber’s,” Liz tells him.

“It’s hard to remember that when I have her daughter.”

“Amirah is your daughter, not Amber’s.  That’s the choice Amber made, and one you and Michael accepted.  From what you told me, she knew what she wanted.  Don’t take her choice away from her because you feel guilty about being happy.”

Alex knows she’s right, but the closer the adoption gets, the more he worries that somehow he’s unworthy of so much happiness, and he’s going to lose it.  He and Caleb are working on it, but it’s a hard demon to shake.  “What would you have done,” he asks Liz, “if you had gotten pregnant in college?”

Liz looks stricken when he asks the question, and he instantly feels guilty for even asking.  “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business.”

“No it’s ok.  Probably something like this,” Liz gestures to Alex and Amirah before biting her lip and looking away.  “Or maybe I wouldn’t have let it get this far.”

“Liz,” Alex takes her hand again, mentally berating himself for asking her to bare her soul to comfort him.

She looks up and crosses herself, muttering in Spanish before squeezing his hand.  “Papi would be devastated if he knew I thought it let alone said it out loud, but it’s true.  I worked so hard to be the smartest, to be the best, and for a long time that’s all I had.  I couldn’t have given that up, it would have killed me.”

Alex just shakes his head, not knowing what to say.

“When you are a girl, you’re told anything you want to do, anything you accomplish is temporary.  You’re supposed to set it aside one day to be a mother.  That’s supposed to be your real dream.  But that’s not true for all of us.  It’s not true for me, and if Amber’s as much like me as she sounds, it’s not true for her either.  What you did, giving her the freedom to follow her dreams, that was a gift.  You helped both of them, you didn’t take anything from her.”

“I hope you’re right,” he says softly.

“I’m always right,” Liz insists, breaking the tension.

Amirah’s adoption is finalized when she’s six months out.  She’s quiet in Alex’s arms, taking in the unfamiliar environment.  But when the judge asks for a picture with the new family, she giggles and pulls at his beard.  The picture on their mantle shows all of them laughing, the judge making a funny face at Amirah as she claps her hands.

Since their hearing was in the morning, Maria throws a party at the Wild Pony before it opens.  Amirah is happy to be passed from person to person, basking in the attention, leaving Alex and Michael free to socialize and eat using both hands.  She crashes a few hours in, falling asleep in Max’s arms.

As things are winding down, Alex boxes the leftover cake and snags Maria by the waist when she walks by to clear away the empty platters.  “Thanks for this,” he presses a kiss to her temple.

“I remember you telling me you wanted your kids to grow up in the Pony, so this seemed like a good way to start,” Maria teases him.

“This isn’t quite what I meant,” he says, feeling the gentle tug of nostalgia for the dreams he once had.

“I know,” Maria agrees softly. “But it’s how it was always meant to be.”

“Maybe,” he agrees, looking over to where Amirah is awake and back with Michael, both of them flipping through a picture book Rosa made for her. 

They’re not her first steps, but one day Amirah runs from Michael to Alex on unsteady legs, yelling “Da, Da, Da, Da,” and Alex knows what he wants.  He catches her in her arms, kissing her face and neck until she is laughing and wiggling to get down so she can run back to Michael. 

Alex doesn’t say anything then because it’s easy to be sure when Amirah is happy and Michael is playing with her and listening to her babbling like she’s telling him the secrets of the universe.  He waits until after bath time when Amirah screams the whole time because she recently decided she hates getting her hair wet.  He waits until he’s more exhausted than she is, but she’s still fighting sleep, her earlier cries whittled down to occasional wet gasps.

He waits while Michael straightens the bathroom and takes Charlies out.  He waits until they fall into bed, too tired to do more than cuddle.  He waits until nothing is perfect, but he still knows what he wants.

“I think we should call Beth,” he whispers into Michael’s neck.

[josefavomjaaga]

For some, the afterlife was a continuation of their days on earth, a series of adventure tales or of cozy family life, a romantic comedy or a bloody crime story. For some, it was dark and gloomy, an existence torn apart, caught up forever in issues unresolved, an eternity of suffering, of darkness or of fear.

But for all, it was something. Joy or torment, longing, loving, pain, contentment, boredom. Night, day, dawn, sunset, twilight.

For him … it was not.

The one thing closest to an emotion the boy felt was confusion. He knew he had been swallowed up by … something. Something big. Maybe a whale. Or maybe a whale was merely the closest annotation he could come up with.

He did not know where he was now, or what it was that he was in. Maybe the whale’s stomach, where he now would be digested into oblivion. Neither could he tell if he was standing or lying, walking or floating. Surrounded by shadows, whispers, the faint memory of feelings and actions, he felt unable to get a hold on anything, to grasp anything, not a thing, not an image. Not a single thing presented itself to support him, be it in body or in mind.

He remembered that this was not right, that there should have been something. He knew there had been once, and there almost was, even now and even here, a memory of it, like the shadow of a thing that had once towered over him, the echo of a child’s laugh and a piano played, the feeling of a glance cast upon him, loving, despising, judgemental, a rose’s smell, the weight of a timber beam on a child’s shoulder, the flicker of light on a uniform once worn.

Oftentimes he believed to see others in the swirling grey shadows dancing around him, those others that were all that mattered. Yet whenever he turned to face them, they were gone, dissipated into wisps of smoke, had been nothing but an illusion, a trick of the eye, a forgotten image left in a broken mirror that would never show one thing: the boy himself.

Even the ground beneath his feet seemed to dissolve into mist.

Through the distant sounds, echoing in from a time shattered to pieces, and the confusing memories of a life filled to the brim, yet still unlived, he just barely could hear words spoken in a bariton voice once unduly praised, a voice that had once belonged to him.

"I should have loved to be a sailor."

[ronnie-anne-6666]

RotTMNT | Whumptober 2023 (and I don't give a fuck that it's not October anymore)

Story 1: But now this room is spinning while I'm trying just to fill in all the gaps

Safety Net | Swooning | "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Pt. 1

− Hey, Don-Tron, it's breakfast time! – A clear and indecently cheerful voice for such an early hour came from a speaker near the ceiling of the laboratory. Donnie didn't even have to look at the cameras to figure out who was bothering him at such a time. Exhaling noisily, he commands a mechanical hand to press the microphone button.

− Not hungry, Nardo.

No matter how hard he tries to make his voice less tired, the low volume and blurred sonorous consonants betray the degree of his exhaustion. Donnie's fingers slide over the keyboard, typing more and more new lines of code, and the monitor's light at minimum brightness is reflected in his dark brown eyes. A loud cough coming from outside makes him twitch and frown in displeasure. The camera broadcasting what is happening outside the laboratory shows the same displeased face of his twin.

− Bullshit. – Leo's right leg, not in a cast, hits the metal door. — C'mon, buddy, get out of your dark realm. You've been stuck there forever.

– Fifty−nine hours, – Donatello corrects dryly, but his older brother doesn't hear it.

The tapping of the keys becomes louder and jerkier. Yeah, damn it, he's been sitting here for more than two days, but hasn't been able to get far in creating advanced software for his systems. Among the lines running on the screen, every now and then there was some stupid mistake that makes his teeth grind with displeasure. Donnie tightens his jaw and shakes a head. Blurring appears at the edges of vision for a moment, but it dissipates as soon as the ninja blinks several times in a row. A quick glance at the nearby monitor — Leon is looking directly into the camera, his posture tense and radiating... something not very positive. Well, Donatello was really bad at reading emotions.

− Ignoring me? Okay. — The turtle in the blue mask turns around, the sound of crutches serving as his support beats an uneven dull rhythm. – Starve to death there.

As soon as these words reach his ears, Donnie's stomach reflexively twists into a knot and emits the unpleasant howl of a dying whale. The genius curses and leans his head back on the computer chair. Physiological needs always disappear from his list of tasks as soon as a worthwhile project appears on the horizon. Sometimes he regrets that he has not yet made himself a cyborg who does not need breaks for sleep, meals and the toilet. A broken smile appears on his face when Donatello imagines himself with a shiny chrome body. It seems like the dream of a moody child, so what?

[redraven3093]

catching up to Philza Minecraft Qsmp Streams Vod

30th June ya'll I've been sleeping my days off these past few days after the exam cause my body just crashed down

I have missed so much shits on the QSMP stuff holly hell the fuq happened

anyway LETS START WHOO

Welcome home PHILL

oh hey the Flower Fall shirt looks cool

dadza had been rambling about space

QSmp time

so many Flower creatures

KELP will HELP

dadza isn't sure about the slogan

LOL Forever

CHAYANNE AWAKE

AWW CHAT

ma boi I miss yu

TALLULAH WAKE UP

the"sir" stuff is Tallulah's admin right?

TALLULAH BABY HOW ARE YOU

Tallulah will get the whole solar system at this point

Chayanne shrine

AW NO TALLULAH

Holly that is so many Chayanne

the Crows love his son

Tallulah BACK!

WHALE WATCHING?!

AW TINNY TALLULAH WITH THE SAMBRERO

Chayanne and Chayanne

ah so they cloned themselves

oh god what happened

YEAH Ramon Saved the day such a good little hero

Chayanne why?-yeah that's fuq up

WHY ARE YOU KIDS WANT TO SEE A CROCODILE

?

did they fight a crocodile before???

don't use shaders kids

use you dragon magic kids- HE'S HERE

dangerous mission

omg Tallulah noo

yeah scold her Chayanne

magical trip

oh shit he's invis

nooo Ramon it's not drugs

EYYY he's HERE

Kids get up

oh, Mike had a barber?

wait why would Fit go to a barber?

ugh sea mission is scary

Ramon we don't kill whales they are endangered

"There is no shame in leaving" thankyou Fit

yes Ramon Pls you all in one life

Chef Chayanne lets gooooo

oh yeah good idea Tallulah safety first

Oh shit Chayanne didn't have one

Shave it off??

Noodle Soup!!! i want noodle soup today

oh god wat happened in the debate??

don't jinx us phill

ahh so Phil is in team Foolish-Phil noooo

I like that the kids always go for the trampoline first

HELLO MINECRAFT PHILLZA WE READY FOR ADVENTURE MINECRAFT PHLIZA

nervous abluoeto-RAMOOOONNNNN

what is there a TNT canon-wait Ramon-wait Chayanne-kidsss-oh shit-oh okay thank goodness-OMG KIDSS- CHAYANNE-OMG TALLULAH

good lord, I'm aging-omg Phill

oh no the solar system is here

bunch of manly men with boats

clean coal

boat timeee

oh shit the WHALE-DRIVEEE-Oh shit-omg these kids are killing me-oh shit CHAYANNE-oh noo TALLULAH

yeah two whales is enough

okay get cooking Chayanne

did ramon just trows away a tusk???

RAMOONN NOOO

waiting on Tallulah

its revenge for Baghera???

oh nooooo the whale

HOLLLY SHIT THE JUMP

omg

the Whale was gunning for it

ITS BEEN SO LONGGGGG

TALLULAH YOU BACK SWEETIE

either her or the whales

ohhhh Seafood menuuu

the trick to defeat the monument

ohh the seaside stuff had been decorated

off to the monument we go

ok here we go-ramon with the bomb-you two old men shut up-milk squid?

omg Fit is an Alpha and Phil is a Beta-someone pls shot me

Ramon works fast-creepy ghost fish-yey Phill killed em

things have been pretty smooth so far

OMG RAMON NO

Mission donee

HAIR CUT TIME

emotional support for the bald man lets go

wat? a giant squid?

lol Phil has trauma taking care of more than 2 eggs

HI CELLBIT

Fit and Ramon is a dangerous dad and son duo

Yummy~~~

WAT!!!! oh shit-

THAT IS OK CELLBIT

HI RICHA

really love the kid-ah of course burning village

another VIDCON TRIP in French

ohh a NEW video Game made by Cellbit pog

OMG RICHA HAPPY BIRTHDAY

oh no scarey barber

Dollified Richa

oh no the bike-Phil is taking revenge on Mike

Holly hell they fast ZOMING

wat?-OMG OH SHIT-that's the train? so cool

Hi mike hi Pac-OH GOD THEIR HAIR

YAEH PEER PRESURE-phil really cant say no to Tallulah huh??

TRAIN TIME-oh no out of fuel?-RAMON NO-TALLULAH NO

aww sweety

omg law suit evaded pog-omg the safety protocol is being ignored left and right

oh no Chat broken

HE'S IN

OH NO TALLULAH-subway surfer omg-the album omg-she is so her dad's child

Train conductor Chayanne LETS GO

RAMON PUT YUR ARMOUR ON-and stop griefing the Brazilian

"boys will be boys"

egg cats-sewer egg-hi Richa-OMG ITS RADIATION??

ohh it's done???

aww cute richa moment

hi cellbit-egg for the cake lets gooo

OMG BLOND BADBOYHALO

HE's BALD MARKIPLIER-PINK BRAID OMG-he feel Bonita

PHIL'S turn-Fuq HIM UP FAM-Dangerous

oh no Richa lock them in

love that Chayanne and Tallulah is the model good kid eggs like they are literally the cousin that every parent compares you to

Riddle time!-omg-Comedian Chayanne-HAH GOT EMM

A MONTH!?-until the election?-wet stone lol

HEY AYPIEREE-Ramon no

yeah TECHNICLY CORRECT-OMG FIT NO-the BELL HAND LETS GO

well maybe you will have feathers like that one dragon

lol everyone ready with a camera-omg good lord-fallen off Phil lets go

CELLBIT is YOUR TURN

dot mess the white he says-oh no that could be true

oh no RICHA LOOK THEM in

oh no yu okay?-noise canceling pog-aww Tallulah

oh Will is in Poland??-STOP BEING TALENTED AND GOOD

hello there-omg the Yaoi land is getting to them all

the voice is the problem or the catfish is

YEAH ARTIST RICHA APPRECIATION

no meta-gaming Phill

AWW SO CUTE

CELLBITS HAIR CUTS DONE-OMG LOL HE CALLED IT-THE CAT EARSSS OMG-EARING TOO

Worse than the torture he says lol

Furry Cellbit lets go

Richa Party lets go

turtle eggs?? oh it's from dapper,

omg he's is keeping it

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICHAA- yu did perfect Phil

2 MONT LETS GOO

Mike no not at the eggs bday party

HOLLY SHIT PAC AND MIKE ARE KILLING IT

THE GIFTTSSS-so many foods from Chayanne-HOLLY SHIT RAMON

omg the mix they do with the flutes is so cool

What was that a radio?-a pancake?

Hi BADBOYHALO-loblond besties-omg Cellbit lol

HI DAPPER-the twins are fighting that's okay I guess

PHOTO TIME

cool beach they really did good

omg wat?-is that guy riding a dead decaying bird?-hu

wait-wat oh fuqin shit they're back-the Kids oh no -oh thank god thanks Bad

omg those fukers are back

OH FUQ OFF

yeah you jinx it Phill

oh god they can't hurt him

OMG THE KIDS

oh no he's going

OMG it's GOING TO THE NEST-omg it's going there

oh no the thing is trying to go inside

on the roof -where is it-fucker son of ditch hole bitch

bastard ditch suker- are the Kids safe in their room???

FUCK ALL OF THESE MOBS ARE ANNOYING

the thing still didn't catch any damage-oh fuq off he's trying to hurt the kids using the ghost

OH WAIT-OH FUQ-its in the window-oh okay but fuq

Leo?? oh god they are targeting her-omg Leo's Room was broken-just get lost already

WAT? TAKING PICTURES?-THAT BASTARD BITCH-OMG IT REALLY TAKING PICTURES

oh good lord Tallulah Sweetie I'm so sorry you have to see this

ok, I think it's gone now-you okay Chayanne?- THANK YOU FOREVER

Tallulah Darling I'm so sorry-okay it's gone thank god-are we safe?

ok so Leo and Pomme are targets

aww Tallulah darling I'm glad ur safe-okay back to safety

fuq that was fuking horrible-yeah that is annoying- yu jinx it

a wat?-omg defup-lol-the VOICE-multiple gegg nice-ah yes put him in the cage-oh he is not there?-lol is a zoo now

Phil that is not a lullaby

WE LOVE YOU TO KIDS BYE

the hotel is fuqed-Forever we need you

oh god its getting stronger

okay get ur rest old man

[joeygoeshollywood]

My 25 Favorite Films of 2022

Here are my 25 favorite films of 2022:

25. Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Ever since Marvel announced they were moving forward with a Black Panther sequel following the passing of Chadwick Boseman, the world wondered if it can be pulled off. Ryan Coogler, the writer/director behind the first film, managed to nurture the second installment with Wakanda Forever, which is essentially an emotional epilogue of a country’s mourning of its fallen King T'Challa. In Marvel’s strongest outing since End Game, Black Panther: Wakanda Forever strikes a balance of being a grieving process for both the Marvel Cinematic Universe and its audience while also maintaining an action-packed story. 

24. The Whale

The #Brenaissance is officially here to stay. Brendan Fraser gives the performance of a lifetime as Charlie, a reclusive morbidly obese English teacher who tries to rekindle a relationship with his estranged teenage daughter before his health takes a turn for the worse. Based off a play, The Whale is a tragedy directed by Darren Aronofsky (his best film since Black Swan) that rides on Fraser’s transformation as a broken man who both literally and metaphorically carries so much weight. Don’t be shocked if/when he accepts his Oscar. He’s joined by Hong Chau and Sadie Sink, both who give strong supporting performances.

23. Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio 

Only a movie mastermind like Guillermo del Toro can reinvent a fairytale as well-known as Pinocchio and provide Geppetto a tragic backstory and have it take place in the height of World War I Italy. While his interpretation of the story of the wooden puppet is more mature and has more emotional weight than its predecessors, his Pinocchio also maintains its child-like innocence and has enough charm and music to entertain the whole family. A beautiful stop-motion production, del Toro’s feature debut in animation was a huge success. 

22. Vengeance 

BJ Novak, best known as Ryan from The Office (which he also a writer and producer), makes his feature debut as a writer/director with Vengeance, a film he stars in as a New York City writer who gets swept up in the aftermath of a Texas girl he hooked up with her family suspects was murdered, which inspires him to launch a podcast about whether it’s merely a conspiracy or there was foul play. Novak masterfully captures the cultural clash between costal and rural America in one of the most laugh-out-loud comedies of the year. 

21.  All Quiet on the Western Front

All Quiet on the Western Front belongs in the came caliber of war films as Saving Private Ryan, Dunkirk, and 1917. The incredible filmmaking gives the source material a new life with remarkable action sequences, stunning cinematography, and a strong cast. This German-spoken adaptation is brutal and gut-wrenching but cinematically rewarding. 

20. Cha Cha Real Smooth

Cooper Raiff writes, directs and stars in his breakout film Cha Cha Real Smooth, which follows a post-college grad’s journey to find a purpose while spontaneously taking on a career in emceeing Bar Mitzvah parties. It’s rare for a comedy to establish such a fundamentally flawed yet completely charismatic and good-hearted protagonist as well written as Raiff’s. Cha Cha Real Smooth is likely to be a launching pad for what will likely be a long career for the 25-year-old filmmaker. 

19. Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery

Rian Johnson has proven himself to be a modern-day Agatha Christie with Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery, a sexy followup to his 2019 murder mystery flick. Daniel Craig returns as famed detective Benoit Blanc and is joined by another star-studded cast including Edward Norton, Kate Hudson, Kathryn Hahn, Dave Bautista and Janelle Monáe (perhaps the film’s MVP). Beautifully shot and extremely well-written, Glass Onion solidifies the prospects of a thriving Knives Out franchise.

18. The Batman

It’s difficult for any filmmaker to reboot a superhero franchise that’s been done over, and over, and over again, but Matt Reeves lays the groundwork for a promising new Batman with The Batman. People were skeptical that Robert Pattison could pull off the Caped Crusader since most people know him as the glittery vampire from the Twilight saga, but he pulled it off. What Reeves does brilliantly, perhaps even more so than his predecessors, is how he creates the universe of Gotham City, which managed to be even more grim and visually striking than past depictions, and he already has a stockpile of villains from Batman’s rogues gallery. From the stunning cinematography of Greig Fraser to the instantly iconic music score from Michael Giacchino, The Batman satisfies fans and leaves them wanting more.

17. TÁR

Cate Blanchett is a world-class music conductor whose past creeps in to upend her life. TÁR is essentially a psychological drama from Todd Field (his first feature since 2006), who wrote an unsettlingly brilliant screenplay. But it’s a film that thrives in large part to Blanchett’s stellar performance that could give her a third Oscar trophy. 

16. The Menu

If you have a healthy appetite for thrills, violence, and dark humor, then you ought to order The Menu. Ralph Fiennes gives a chilling performance as the chef of an exclusive restaurant who ambushes his diners with a night full of shock, horror, and marvelous dishes. What makes The Menu work so well is its self-awareness and a terrific ensemble cast including Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicholas Hoult, Janet McTeer, Judith Light, and rising star Hong Chau. 

15. Bodies Bodies Bodies

A satirical murder mystery, Bodies Bodies Bodies is yet another winner from A24 about a group of 20-somethings whose mansion party turns upside down after one of them winds up dead. The cast of A-list and rising star millenials includes Amandla Stenberg, Maria Bakalova, Rachel Sennott and SNL alum Pete Davidson, who is at his most hilarious. Bodies Bodies Bodies is fun and unpredictable with an ending to die for. 

14. Nope

Following the critical success of Get Out and Us, Jordan Peele gives us his first big-budget summer blockbuster. Nope is like a captivating and unsettling mashup of Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Jaws. Daniel Kaluuya, Keke Palmer, Brandon Perea and Steven Yeun round out the strong cast. With terror in the skies, Peele proves his funnyman days are behind him and is thriving as a master of suspense. 

13. X

X is the textbook definition of a great popcorn slasher flick. Up and coming filmmaker Ti West was able to use the decades-old horror formula of a group of hotties being stranded in the middle of nowhere with psycho killers on the loose and lean into absurdity for good scares and even great laughs. X is a helluva good time that has already spawned a franchise with the release of the prequel Pearl, a strong prequel companion with Mia Goth offering amazing performances in both films. 

12. Brian and Charles

Brian and Charles is a heartwarming mockumentary buddy comedy about a quirky, reclusive British inventor who builds a robot out of a washing machine that ends up coming to life. Its stars David Earl and Chris Hayward, who co-wrote the film, will make you laugh out loud and perhaps help you restore your faith in humanity just a tiny bit. 

11. The Woman King

Viola Davis never kicked so much ass. The Woman King is a historic epic based on the events of the female warriors of the Dahomey kingdom in 19th century Africa. In addition to the great action and stunts are a rich plot and strong performances by the ensemble cast. 

10. Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

One of the most overlooked films of the year, Good Luck to You, Leo Grande is a romantic dramedy of sorts that follows a widow who meets with a male escort to help her explore her sexuality. The film feels like a staged play as it almost entirely takes place in a hotel room and the dialogue is incredibly sharp. Emma Thompson gives one of the daring and greatest performances of her career as the witty but vulnerable Nancy as newcomer Daryl McCormack shines as the dashingly smooth yet nuanced titular character Leo Grande. This Hulu gem tackles the taboo subject of sex, tugs at the hearts, and provides plenty of laughs.

9. The Fabelmans 

No director can capture movie magic quite like Steven Spielberg. The Fabelmans is loosely based on his own childhood which chronicles his early love for filmmaking. For movie fans, this is an ode to cinema and Spielberg’s career. But in the end, The Fabelmans is about a child and his pursuit of his dream, something we can all relate to. 

8. RRR

Hollywood could take a page from Bollywood. RRR is a spectacle in every sense of the word where everything from the dramatic performance, slow-motion action, to the over-the-top musical numbers. It’s a sensational historic epic about two warriors who form a brotherhood while taking on the British empire.  Despite its 3-hour running time, there’s never a dull moment. So heat up the popcorn and enjoy this adrenaline rush of a movie. 

7. Triangle of Sadness

A satire that skewers beauty and class, Triangle of Sadness is the genius comedy from Swedish filmmaker Ruben Östlund about the disaster that unfolds on a luxury yacht and the dynamics that emerge between the elite guests and the crew (the banter alone between a Russian capitalist and an American communist played by Zlatko Buric and Woody Harrelson alone is so rich- pun intended). While the entire cast is stellar, Dolly De Leon gives an Oscar-worthy performance as a member of the cleaning staff who takes command when things go south. Triangle of Sadness is one of the best times I’ve had at the movies this year. 

6. Barbarian

No horror film has filled its audience with more dread in recent years than Barbarian. Zach Cregger makes a stellar feature debut as writer/director who masterfully defies the rules of what to expect the way Alfred Hitchcock did with Psycho. Georgina Campbell and Bill Skarsgård learned they’ve accidentally booked the Airbnb from hell. This is one of those films that you benefit when going in completely blind. The thrills, disturbing sights, and even laughs are not in short supply in one of the best horror films in recent memory. 

5. The Northman

Robert Eggers, the director behind The Witch and The Lighthouse, returns with his largest-scale film to date. The Northman is a blood-soaked Shakespearian-like Viking epic about revenge and destiny with a remarkable cast including Alexander Skarsgård, Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicole Kidman, Ethan Hawke, and Willem Dafoe. When you’re watching it, it feels like you’re witnessing something bigger than what you expect from most films these days. And it will keep your heart pounding and on the edge of your seat from start to finish. 

4. Top Gun: Maverick

Sequel-Reboots are rarely good. It was 36 years ago that the first Top Gun came out (and upon seeing it for the first time this year, one can see why it’s culturally beloved but also very dated). Remarkably, Top Gun: Maverick is superior in almost every way. The filmmaking is better, the writing is better, and Tom Cruise has barely aged. It’s a movie that everyone can rally behind and chant “USA! USA!” as the credits roll. It was the epitome of a summer blockbuster that was both nostalgic and refreshing. For a movie that was supposed to come out in July 2019 and was postponed six times due to COVID, Top Gun Maverick was worth the wait.

3. Emergency

Ever imagine what a combination of Superbad and Crash might look like? Emergency would be it. RJ Cyler and Donald Elise Watkins star as two best friends on the cusp of graduating college who want to make history with a legendary night of partying, which quickly gets derailed by due to unforeseen circumstances. The first two acts are frickin’ hilarious but the final act takes a dramatic turn, something that rarely works but does in this case. Emergency is a coming-of-age comedy that takes tackles race and identity in a way that neither feels like lecturing nor pandering. It’s easily one of the biggest surprises of the year. 

2. The Banshees of Inisherin

The plot is bizarre yet simple: One man abruptly ends his lifelong friendship with the other without warning, leaving the other man perplexed and demanding answers, which only leads to trouble for the both of them. The Banshees of Inisherin is the latest gem from writer/director Martin McDonagh that balances humor and discomfort led by outstanding lead performances from Colin Ferrell and Brendan Gleeson. The Banshees of Inisherin is a well-written dramedy that will make you laugh just as much as it will make you cringe. 

1. Everything Everywhere All at Once

Multiverse films are all the rage in Hollywood these days but Everything Everywhere All at Once is the one that tops them all. Michelle Yeoh gives the performance of her career as a struggling laundromat owner who learns about the existence of other universes and how it is up to her to save them all. She’s joined by Ke Huy Quan (of Goonies/Temple of Doom fame), who will likely launch a major comeback, newcomer Stephanie Hsu, and Jamie Lee Curtis, rounding out a remarkable cast. The Daniels (Dan Kwan and Daniel Scheinert) wrote and directed a mind-blowing, genre-bending film full of laughs, action, family drama. and suspense. Not since The Matrix has a sci-fi/fantasy film been able be so confident in the universe it has created and in such an entertaining way. Everything Everywhere All at Once is everything you want in a movie, which is why it’s the best of 2022.  

[chemacetree]

A letter from a queer daughter to her mom

I love you

I know you love me

You held me in your arms tight, before they rushed me off to the NICU, without even a name picked out for me yet. You were so sick after I was born, and so was Dad, and so was I. What a trio were we! 

And yet, after all the APGAR score scares and the feeding worries and the bouts of preeclampsia and flu, we made it. Your little daughter, your first child and only little girl, named after both of your grandmothers. Here I am, all grown up, and queer. 

Dear Mom, I know you don’t get why queer people are queer, or choose to be out, and marry, and transition, and everything else queer people do. It’s not something you’re really meant to get. It’s not about you. But I know that’s not a satisfactory answer. It wasn’t for me for a long time. I know you don’t know all the right words to say, or the right pronouns to use, or the right phrases to stick to. I get it. I wish I could make it easier for you to keep track of everything; heaven knows how much has changed since you were born. 

You didn’t understand why I felt like I was running out of grace, or having to tiptoe between being queer and being your daughter. You promised that you’d love me and treat me well no matter what, and I believe you. I promise that I know you love me. 

I don’t know if you’d love my best friends, if you knew. I don’t know you’d take me seriously if I told you that the “boy” who wanted to date me in high school was actually a girl, or if you’d write her off as being too mentally ill to really know. I don’t know if you’d be excited for me to visit my internet friends if you knew they were getting married, as two non-binary people, instead of moving to a new country. It feels like every queer person you can think of has some extenuating circumstance or excuse to make you wonder if they’re really queer, or just traumatized, which doesn’t really comfort your daughter, diagnosed autistic and wondering if you blame my sexuality on my disability. Not, to be fair, that you’ve said anything to that effect. 

There is a whole part of my life that I just cannot share with you. How am I supposed to tell the person who spent an hour raging about trans people “forcing new grammar on people” that I’m happiest in my own body when I look visibly queer? That I want to be seen, not just as a girl, but a queer girl? That, if you didn’t FaceTime every week, I’d hang a pride flag in my room next to my crucifix and rosary? 

I dyed my hair and bought “unprofessional” skirts and got a button up with whales on it. I started doing my hair more and putting in hairbows and dressing up for no reason. I put pins with colorful beads on my lanyard. You see the clothes and the hair bows and the shoes and think “finally, she’s taking an interest in her clothing after twenty years”. I see the way my rainbow-pin-wearing classmates clock me and drop the tension in their shoulders. 

You have told me since I was little that God blessed me with a big heart. For a while, I wrestled with that, because I was naïve and gullible and too emotional for everything. It’s hard to make peace with, some days, that trusting people wholeheartedly sometimes means being led astray or hurt. But you encouraged me to surround myself with good Christian people, people with kindness and compassion, people who loved openly and gave generously without counting the cost. I have found them! I’ve found the people I want to grow up to become, people who love openly and warmly and reflect God’s love to others. And they are very often queer.

It keeps ending up that way, funnily enough. The people who seem to most embody God’s love keep ending up queer, or very supportive of queer people. And I think I understand why; the longer I held vinegar in my mouth, dripping hatred and condescension for queer people, the harder it became to love without some measure of distrust and fear, because what if they were gay? Or trans? Or something else I didn’t understand? I spent so long not knowing my own sexuality because I flatly refused to acknowledge it, even when my friends point-blank asked. I spent even longer terrified of how you reacted when I told you. My brother outed me. I’m lucky I’m the palatable flavor of queer for you, so you could encourage me to be a nun instead of trying to keep me from kissing girls or wearing boy’s clothes. 

It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what to do all the time. It matters that you care. It matters that you try. Queer people are not your enemy. They’re my people. Not some nebulous “them” with an agenda; but my community, my friends, and me. What you say about the most baffling and unpalatable queer person you can think of, in the privacy of your car ride home, you say about the comprehensible, palatable queer daughter in that car. 

I want to be able to tell you about my friends, my classmates, even my favorite DND podcasts. I want to be able to tell you about how cis people can get gender euphoria after all, and that when I looked in the mirror that first time with my blue hair and my new skirt, I got it. I want to be able to tell you that I’m finally going to participate in a wedding as the maid of honor, and not just the flower girl.

I wish I could rejoice with you and show you the Side A churches in our city, and have you come to Mass with me there one time. One day, when we’re both older, I hope we still can. There is so much joy to be had in being an openly queer child of God. 

Please come home with me. I want you in my life.

Sincerely, 

Your queer daughter, who loves you very much

[rye-views]

Extraordinary Attorney Woo. 이상한 변호사 우영우. 8/10

I would recommend this drama to my friends. I would rewatch this drama.

I love all the familiar faces from Hospital Playlist, Yumi's Cells, Vincenzo, Big Mouth, Hometown Cha Cha, etc. Lee Bong Ryun was casted perfectly for her character. I love the illustrations at the end of each episode. I love Geurami's smirk when Junho asks about Young Woo for the first time. I love Su Yeon's reaction to being called Spring Sunshine. I also love Young Woo for observing the kind acts done for her like that. I love how Su Yeon develops in her care for Young Woo. Such a tough love deep care. The meeting room view is beautiful. omg the girls who support girls vibe in the gender discrimination trial. I love it.

LMaoo at one of the moms of the kidnapped children thinking about their kid wanting to go to law school. How real. Lmao at Jun ho's reaction to Young Woo's confessions. Lmao at Young Woo understanding dad jokes. Lmao at Young Woo mentioning her kissing troubles in the elevator. Young Woo and her dad first discussing kissing is so amusing to me.

Young Woo and Jun Ho's soft moments together make my heart flutter.

It saddened me to see the hakwon students getting the convenience store food and so late.

Wow the recap at the end shows me how much has happened. It is amazing that when Young Woo went off about aquariums being bad, Junho just immediately said that he didn't know, instead of getting defensive.

Kim Hierora is pretty. Ha Yoon Kyung has always been pretty. Young Woo is so cute for being herself. Her mannerisms are so cute to me. Hwa Yeong is like Shin Se Kyung and Lee Yeon Hee look vibes. Jung Suk Yong, Kang Ki Young, and Lee Sang Yi give me similar vibes.

This drama makes me quite emotional in terms of empathy. Your child has never spoken but all of a sudden, she memorized law. Imagine how that must feel for the dad. Young Woo calming down with whale sounds on the train is represented so well to relieve even my anxiety. Geurami rebelling in school is actually way more badass than how I see Americans rebelling. Min Woo and Su Yeon arguing over the treatment of Woo Young is interesting because they have valid arguments. It's amusing to have Young Woo's whale sound hearing to be like a That's so Raven moment. The constant undermining, being overlooked, and abuse are themes I understand. Another job Young Woo can have is a quiz show host.

When it's mentioned that Young Woo is really smart in some aspects and not in others, it's interesting that we even have to categorize it like that. She's smart to an extreme with the law, so it makes her stand out while in other ways, she stands out to the other extreme for not being capable. If we lessen the extreme, every person is like that. Good and bad at things. Why should the other characters feel the conflict of wanting to help her or not?

[blood-orange-juice]

Crackpot hc: Childe's emotional support whale is the princess from the battle pass cutscene.

[academicelephant]

Emotions from the perspective of evolutionary psychology

Emotions are innate action programs originating in evolutionary history that ensure the preservation and reproduction of an individual's genes by allowing the individual to have plasticity and adaptability to the world. They appear in similar ways in many species, from humans to dogs and from whales to mongooses, for example. Each basic emotion has its own function in ensuring the survival and reproduction of the individual.

Happiness or pleasure directs an individual's behavior towards action that increased the fitness of their ancestors. The functioning of the pleasure system is related to the satisfaction of basic needs, such as eating, drinking, sex, positive social relationships and advancing in the social hierarchy. Satisfying basic needs causes activation of the brain's reward center. It produces a feeling of pleasure, encouraging similar behavior in the future.

In sadness, the individual signals to others the need for support. Expressing sadness causes empathic behavior in others, which increases the likelihood of receiving support and therefore the odds of survival. Although crying in front of others may feel embarrassing, it is an effective way to ensure empathy and help from others. Sadness also makes the individual to try figure out what caused the feeling and to avoid similar situations in the future.

Fear is a response to a threatening situation. The purpose of fear is to keep the individual safe by making them avoid or retread from (possible) dangers. Those individuals who avoided dangers survived and reproduced while those who didn’t do so, didn’t live long. Scary things and situations are well remembered and individuals may go a long way to avoid it in the future. This is true especially with extreme situations such as war, violence or rape.

In the fear reaction, the sympathetic nervous system gets activated and the individual prepares to fight or flee. The fight-or-flight response increases the odds of survival and has therefore been passed on to the next generations. In case you’re interested, some information of expressing fear can be found here.

Disgust protects an individual from pathogens, and toxins produced by bacteria by making the individual avoiding the sources of them. That's why we find, for example, spoiled food, signs of an infectious disease on other individuals and pee, poop and puke to be disgusting. Sexual disgust prevents an individual from mating with individuals with whom mating would be a fitness disadvantage. In particular, the signs of diseases prevent the emergence of sexual interest towards another person.

Human females feel disgusted more easily than males, presumably because females have offspring to take care of. A child’s immune system is not as efficient as an adult's and they don’t know how to avoid pathogens. The mother's clear negative reaction to certain stimuli causes the offspring to avoid the same stimulus through model learning. Furthermore, during pregnancy, the mother experiences disgust towards foods that could be dangerous for the fetus. In this case, disgust acts as a mechanism to protect the fetus.

Anger prepares an individual to fight. It is often the result of being offended or frustrated when the action aimed at a goal is prevented or made difficult. Anger motivates to act to achieve the goal. Expressions of anger act as deterrent and may cause the target of anger to flee or retreat without a fight (which is a significant victory, because in a fight there is always a risk of injury, which in turn can lead to a life-threatening situation). Humans express anger by a strict, direct eye contact and showing their teeth, as do other primates and many other mammals.

Surprise is experienced when the observation does not match expectations. Its function is to interrupt the current activity and prepare the individual to be better suited to the new situation. Surprise is usually accompanied by a startle reaction. Unlike other emotions, surprise can be both positive or negative.

Shame and pride have evolved as adaptations to the struggle for power and the maintenance of cooperation within a primate herd, and they resemble expressions of social dominance and social submission in other primates. Shame and pride do not occur in all species but they are present in primates and probably in other social animals too.

[tvsmovies]

Watch Free Full 13 Going on 30

Release Date : 04/13/2004 (US)Category : Comedy, Fantasy, RomanceProduction : Country : USRate : Cast : Jennifer Garner,Mark Ruffalo,Judy Greer,Andy Serkis,Christa B. Allen,Sean Marquette,Alexandra Kyle,Kathy Baker,Phil Reeves,After total humiliation at her thirteenth birthday party, Jenna Rink wants to just hide until she's thirty. With a little magic, her wish is granted, but it turns out that being thirty isn't as always as awesome as she thought it would be!After total humiliation at her thirteenth birthday party, Jenna Rink wants to just hide until she's thirty. With a little magic, her wish is granted, but it turns out that being thirty isn't as always as awesome as she thought it would be!View From The Couch is a weekly column that reviews what’s new on Blu-ray and DVD. Ratings are on a four-star scale.John Turturro in Barton Fink (Photo: Kino)(View From The Couch is a weekly column that reviews what’s new on Blu-ray, DVD and Streaming. Ratings are on a four-star scale.)BARTON FINK (1991). Being the first film to win three top prizes at Cannes (Film, Director and Actor) couldn’t prevent Barton Fink from flopping when it finally opened stateside. Nevertheless, this remains one of the most fascinating pictures on the Coen Brothers ledger, with Joel and Ethan serving up a compelling seriocomedy that yields added pleasures with every repeat viewing. John Turturro stars as the title character, a self-absorbed New York playwright who ends up in Hollywood to write a Wallace Beery wrestling picture for a “B” studio r

ack of a whale. Pai displays all the characteristics that would enable her to one day become the village leader, but because she’s female, her tradition-minded grandfather (Rawiri Paratene) dismisses her from consideration, showing controlled love for her as his flesh and blood but lashing out whenever she attempts to step outside what he perceives as her lot in life. Adapted from Witi Ihimaera’s 1986 novel by writer-director Niki Caro (who earlier this year helmed the fine WWII drama The Zookeeper’s Wife), Whale Rider is above all a moving story about a young girl’s efforts to not only find her place in the world but also receive the deserving respect of a patriarch whose own stubbornness blackens an otherwise noble spirit. As Pai, Castle-Hughes delivers a clear-headed performance that, like the film which embraces it, never succumbs to cloying sentiment but instead finds heartbreak and hope in a naturalistic manner. Blu-ray extras include audio commentary by Caro; a behind-the-scenes featurette; and deleted scenes.

Movie: ★★★

FROM SCREEN TO STREAM (Recommended films currently available on streaming services) 13 GOING ON 30 (2004). Kicking off in 1987, this charming comedy centers around 13-year-old Jenna Rink, an awkward girl whose only desire is to be “thirty, flirty and thriving.” She magically gets her wish granted, waking up in 2004 at the age of 30 and not remembering anything that has transpired over the course of the last 17 years. For emotional support, she tracks down her best friend from childhood, now a freelance photographer (Mark Ruffalo), but as she begins to piece together her teenage and adult years, she realizes that she doesn’t like the person she’s become. Jennifer Garner is delightful as the grownup Jenna — she possesses the flair and instincts of a screwball comedienne, and it’s a shame movies haven’t been utilizing her more — and if her performance ultimately isn’t quite as moving as Tom Hanks’ in the thematically similar Big, that might be because the script by Josh Goldsmith and Cathy Yuspa (the husband-and-wife team behind What Women Want) doesn’t delve as deeply into the dark side of being a child trapped inside an adult’s body.  ★★★ Watch free movies and tvshows on VidooTv

Watch Free Full 13 Going on 30

Watch Free Full 13 Going on 30

un by a dictatorial blowhard (a funny Michael Lerner). Staying at a ramshackle hotel (cue Steve Buscemi as chatty Chet the bellboy), Barton ends up suffering from a paralyzing case of writer’s block. He also ends up befriending both a traveling salesman (an amazing John Goodman) and a Faulkner-like writer (John Mahoney), only to find his life soon turning into a surreal nightmare. A complete original, Barton Fink is edgy, innovative, and often ambiguous in its intentions. Although Roger Deakins’ exceptional cinematography won awards from all three major critics’ groups (NY, LA, National Society), the Academy elected to ignore it completely. The movie did pick up a trio of Oscar nominations for Best Supporting Actor (Lerner), Best Art Direction-Set Decoration (Dennis Gassner and Nancy Haigh, who won for their other 1991 feature, Bugsy), and Best Costume Design.Blu-ray extras include interviews with Turturro and Lerner; deleted scenes; and the theatrical trailer.Movie: ★★★½8 HEADS IN A DUFFEL BAG (1997). With 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag, Joe Pesci seems to have been inspired by the monologue delivered by his character Tommy DeVito in 1990’s GoodFellas. “I’m funny how? I amuse you? I make you laugh; I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? How

Blu-ray extras consist of the theatrical trailer and an isolated music track. Movie: ★★ GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 (2017). As expected, the entire gang from the 2014 smash is back, with Peter Quill (Chris Pratt), Gamora (Zoe Saldana), Drax (Dave Bautista), Rocket (voiced by Bradley Cooper) and Baby Groot (voiced by Vin Diesel) enjoying their newfound status as celestial celebrities. But after ticking off the members of a powerful race, the heroes-for-hire find themselves on the run, with Gamora’s sister Nebula (Karen Gillan) and Quill’s mentor Yondu (Michael Rooker) forced to join the motley crew along the way. Half of the gang end up on a planet alongside Peter’s long-lost father Ego (Kurt Russell) and his servant Mantis (Pom Klementieff); the others find themselves held prisoner after a mutiny by Yondu’s Ravagers. The jokey demeanor that informed the first picture remains, even if writer-director James Gunn forces too many gags. And as is the case with many superhero sagas, this one doesn’t know when to quit, with a generous 136-minute running time mostly felt during the CGI-choked finale. But the freshness of the characters remains intact, and the actors continue to interact in a manner that supports the story’s narrative spine involving the notion that family – no matter how one defines it – always comes first (in this respect, the series has much in common with Diesel’s other, similarly fast and furious franchise). Gunn’s scripting and Gillan’s performance bring unexpected poignancy to the part of Nebula, while Rooker’s excellent turn allows Yondu to emerge as the most unexpectedly complex character in the story. Blu-ray extras include audio commentary by Gunn; a four-part making-of featurette; deleted scenes; a gag reel; and a “Guardians Inferno” music video featuring David Hasselhoff. Movie: ★★★ KID GALAHAD (1962). What do Woody Allen and Elvis Presley have in common? Both have been treated right by the Twilight Time label, which has seen fit to release many of these artists’ best films on Blu-ray. While Allen fans have been offered such gems as The Purple Rose of Cairo, Zelig and Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * (* But Were Afraid to Ask), devotees of The King have been able to enjoy Flaming Star and Follow That Dream, two of the grandly entertaining pictures he made before his vehicles became too beholden to rigid formula and too affected by spiraling quality control. Now joining the pair is Kid Galahad, which originally hit theaters four months after Follow That Dream, thus providing audiences with an irresistible one-two punch. The boxing terminology is apt, since this one finds Elvis playing Walter Gulick, a young pugilist whose gallantry toward women earns him the nickname Kid Galahad. With his easygoing demeanor and warbling of several catchy tunes, Presley could effortlessly carry this picture himself, but that’s actually not required thanks to the efforts of an excellent supporting cast: Gig Young as Galahad’s unscrupulous manager, Charles Bronson as his trainer, Joan Blackman as his love interest, and Lola Albright (who passed away this past March at the age of 92) as Young’s perpetually patient paramour. Incidentally, Kid Galahad is a remake of a same-named 1937 film starring Edward G. Robinson, Bette Davis, Humphrey Bogart and (as the title boxer) Wayne Morris. When will Warner Bros. finally bring that version to Blu-ray? Blu-ray extras consist of the theatrical trailer and an isolated music track. Movie: ★★★ WHALE RIDER (2003). Currently appearing in supporting stints on two television shows (Game of Thrones and Manhunt: Unabomber), Keisha Castle-Hughes deservedly earned a Best Actress Academy Award nomination for her startling film debut in the New Zealand hit Whale Rider. Castle-Hughes stars as Pai, a 12-year-old girl who had survived a difficult birth that killed her mother and twin brother. Pai is a descendant of Paikea, who, as the legend goes, first arrived in what would become this Maori clan’s village riding on the b

am I funny?” Pesci’s 8 Heads character, a gangster also named Tommy, is basically the comedic version of his Oscar-winning part in the Scorsese classic — this Tommy similarly has no problem hurting people, but he’s more likely to fret and fume and partake in exaggerated fits of exasperation. Tasked with delivering a bag crammed with human heads in order to prove that a mob hit has been carried out, he ends up in a dire predicament when a college kid named Charlie (Andy Comeau) accidentally grabs his luggage and carts it off to Mexico, thinking it contains his clothing. Charlie is naturally horrified when he unpacks the noggins, while Tommy just wants them back — this leads to whirlwind developments involving Charlie’s roommates (David Spade and Todd Louiso), his girlfriend (Kristy Swanson), and her disapproving parents (George Hamilton and Dyan Cannon). A frantic pace is no match for a scarcity of laughs, and while Pesci is consistently amusing, he receives little assistance from anyone else. Spade and Louiso have their moments but wear out their welcome; Comeau and Swanson are too vanilla for this sort of madcap romp; and Hamilton and Cannon are left adrift under the guidance of writer-director Tom Schulman.

[baeshijima]

𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫!𝐚𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐝𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐡𝐢��𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫!𝐲/𝐧

A/N : i have nothing to say other than the fact there will be an excessive amount of twitch slang bc why tf not + just,,, heavy streamer!albedo brainrot ;-;

masterlist

AIGHT

streamer albedo

…

pog—

so before we get into him being whipped for u, let’s go over the type of strimmer mr Kreideprinz is

fun fact that’s his twitch name—

albedo would be the type to do lots of variety streams of different games, but also the occasional art one if he wants to have a chill stream with his chat !!

speaking of chat… they’re an odd mix of wholesome supporters, KAPPA + POGGERS + catJAM (bc he always has some bangers on in the bg like yes u bless our ears my guy) + KEKW + EZ Clap + his own emotes spammers, mr albedo’s very own shrimps (me, ahEm—), and ppl who just appreciate his voice + gameplay

if there’s a troll he just bans them OMEGALUL

omg he has lots of emotes (which he made in some of his art streams so his viewers could choose some) for every scenario but we’ll get into the popular ones in a bit 👁👁

he’s most definitely one of the bigger, well-known streamers but with a smaller group of friends

his discord server has,,, a lot of ppl,,, 70k+ ppl big,,, rip notifs if ur in it ;-;

he has it muted tho 🐥 like, sir, that’s ur server pay the goddamn price smh

wait i forgot to mention this but he has his webcam on when streaming

so u can bet ur chickens that when ppl come to visit his stream bc of whatever category he has on, they stay for his visuals and voice <33

his twt 🤡 mans gets 1k+ likes, rts, comments within the first 5-10 mins

omg he gets soft when he receives sm support from his community 🥺🥺

gifts so many subs when hitting milestones, chat is wholesome or just whenever really HJKSDHKL 

also doesn’t swear much unless he gets played by his own game and/or someone is being incredibly annoying <//3

he also just,,, eats on stream

albedo straight up takes his webcam with him to show him cooking if his viewers ask for it

or he just orders food then and there and eats while chatting to everyone or watching youtube with his chat 🥺

nOW ONTO HIM BEING WHIPPED FOR U AS A GENSHIN STREAMER

this AR55 man 👩‍🦯

he can literally produce content from anything

from artifact farming, to spiral abyss, to running around mindlessly, to building characters he would normally never build, to him seeing how high up is considered too high to dive

and everyone eats it up bc it’s albedo <3

also !! he’s the type who includes the story quests in his streams so his reaction and thoughts on everything is just,,, there

now when u were first introduced in the prologue (yes ur one of the ogs + involved in the dvalin fight <33) he blanked and all his viewers could see was u on screen with him staring blankly in the bottom right of the screen

this man straight up saw u in a cutscene for one second and fell in love

his chat went wild omfg

he immediately made an emote for u and that’s his most popular one 😌

but i kid u not, the moment u appeared in that cutscene (one in which he will forever treasure in the crevices of his heart) was the moment he asked this exact question ;

“ so (y/n) banner when? ” 

and mihoyo heard his pleas and answered with ur event banner 

except it was like,, 4 months later 

at least ur finally here tho :’)

now he can have his lil science-y moments with ur voicelines ;-;

yes, ur the chief alchemist but ✨ 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕 ✨

. . .

shut up

n e who

when he saw the notification from mihoyo’s official forums that u will be a playable character in the new update — along with new characters, region, events & a domain — i shit u not he did a rt, his own tweet, an announcement on the community feature on youtube, and made constant reminders to his viewers on twitch abt how he will be a (y/n) haver no matter what

he even added future (y/n) haver in his twt display name

what a shrimp—

the 1.2 update stream 🐥 he was there waiting for it to go live with like,,, 19k viewers spamming his chat abt predictions and obv ur official release + showcase

and when i say this man fell even more in love while watching ur trailer and character showcase 🥺 he wouldn’t stop smiling or being in awe bc ur just??? so stunning???

mihoyo clearly has a favourite child and it’s u

chat was spamming ur exclusive emote like crazy oml

u can bet it was also flooded with lots of POGs and POGGERS 

overall it was a very fun, chaotic stream filled with lots of (y/n) appreciation and love <33

also a very memorable stream for all his viewers bc of the side of albedo they rarely see unless ur involved

the day ur banner was to go live tho 🐥

the streams leading up to the fateful day consisted of him farming ur mats 

that’s it

boss runs, local specialties, hero wits, talent books, the mats needed for ur weapon he was inevitably going to pull for (only the best for the best, afterall) and many domain runs

many painful domain runs

all of it was worth it tho bc ur worth everything :’)

an actual quote said by him—

at least he can get u and ur weapon to lvl 90 right off the bat with all the artifacts tailored for u ;-;

and get u to that point he did HJSDKJF

once ur banner dropped? immediately started wishing

2 multis in and he gets u 😣

albedo nearly cried and was the literal embodiment of head in hands

wHEN I SAY HIS CHAT BLEW TF UP AND HIS MODS JOINED IN

modCheck has left the chat

everyone’s rooting for him :’)

pulled for ur weapon and got it in 1 multi

sir give me ur luck pls and ty

but yes he nearly choked on the gASP he let out while chat screamed even more

he blanked for a bit, i won’t lie ;-;

but when he realised this was real, he immediately went to his party set up and put u in

can we all get an f in the chat for his lvl 10 tartaglia 😔💔👊

his chat usually rages at him to build him but if he’s being honest, he cba

ur vl when he put u in the party tho <333

now he’s just spent half an hour running around with u, letting u do ur idle animations (will always be grateful for mihoyo creating u like this), reading ur very limited (for now—) character story and going through ur voicelines 

ur morning & about us (when he unlocks it) voiceline >>>>> his heart be running laps rn i swear

eventually he does begin to build u after much admiration on his end and at lvl 1 with lvl 20 artifacts, u already have 1.6k atk 🐥

now after he levels u and ur weapon to lvl 90, u have 2.8k atk 🐥

rip mobs <//3

he now plays u as his main dps 😌

the kit initially designed for u is meant to be more for support?? kinda like the whole ganyu or zhongli debate abt them being a dps or a support/sub dps ;-;

except ur more utility like venti or bennett

and even though the majority said at the beginning (aka, mihoyo, pretty much any other streamer and the larger part of the fanbase) that ur meant for support, he said fuck that and built u as his main dps

and i won’t lie, u do more damage than any of his characters, and ppl who co op with him

ur his pride and joy :’)

he went to take a look at ur consts to see if they were worth the rng suffering and, lo-and-behold,

they were

so now he’s using all his saved primos for u to try and get ur c6 const, along with making ur weapon r5 :’)

his chat gets a free view of him internally suffering when the gold light doesn’t come, and his external suffering when he loses the 50/50

in the end, he decided to whale for u <33

after nearly an hour, he has u to c6 and ur weapon to r5 ;-;

now all he’s been doing the whole stream is running around with u in open world, doing his daily farming, doing more domain and boss runs, exploring the new region (dragonspine) + ur story quest

he’s saving the event quest for another stream bc ✨content✨ 

in ur quest, he had multiple heart attacks and now has many, many screenshots <3

he now has a zoomed in pic of ur face as his twt pfp <33

okay so i also feel like he’s not all that bothered abt getting characters to friendship level 10 immediately and would rather let it happen through time

but obv ur not any other character *proceeds to debby ryan at u*

even if ur not fit for a particular domain or boss, he still puts u in the party so when collecting the blossom/rewards, u can get the friendship exp ;-;

he just wants ur name card so he can show off okay 🥺

when he lets his viewers pick out the playlist, 98% of the songs are from ur character demo theme 

they just know him so well 😩

they also just wanna see the way he smiles when he hears it play but shhhhhh

now he just has his in-game avatar as u, and ur namecard too <33

also his signature is just ;

“ (y/n)’s favourite streamer ”

[apompkwrites]

I love the streamer au of both xiao and albedo! I was wondering if I could request a scenario where they both try and save up primogems so they can pull us? What do you think their reaction would be if they pulled us? Thanks in advance!!

reader impact || character event wish

series masterlist characters: xiao, albedo genre: fluff summary: your character exclusive banners have been released! will our streamers have any luck pulling you? notes: hehe time to roll! sad boy hours bc childe’s probably not coming home for me :(( i wish everyone else good luck on who they want, though!

invitation to mundane life (xiao) -

he rarely uses social media.

he doesn't really involve himself in it too much and only uses it to alert his viewers of upcoming streams.

imagine his surprise when he's waiting for people to enter his genshin stream when they tell him that there's a new playable character: you.

just like when he first met you, he practically shuts down.

the character he had loved and admired for so long is now able to be in his party forever?!?!??!

he doesn't understand the gacha/pity system but he'll learn it just for you.

he'd definitely host a watch party the day you drop to watch your trailers.

"why is their trailer so sad???"

this boy cannot handle your backstory in the trailer.

he just wants to keep you safe :((

(even if you'd be the one protecting him)

now, he's normally not one to pay for things in games since he prefers to use his money for essentials.

for you, though, he will empty his entire bank account for you.

he buys the blessing of the welkin moon and is very prepared to buy genesis crystals.

he'll wish for you at the wangshu inn on the very balcony he first met you.

he'll play liyue music in the background of his stream just for you <333

he doesn't normally express his emotions, as i've said before, but here anyone could tell that he was desperate to have you on his team.

he chokes on his breath when he sees gold fly across his stream.

please both he and his chat are begging for it to be you.

he's skipping through all the weapons and cursing whoever is making him wait until the end of his roll to find out whether or not it's you.

(name): ★★★★★

and he's gone.

like he falls out of his chair when he sees it's you.

his chat is VERY torn between laughing at him and congratulating him.

his body hurts but it was worth it to see you on his screen <3

he doesn't understand the appeal of getting good weapons purposefully but you bet he's gonna whale for yours.

he doesn't care that it's good, even though that's a bonus. all he really cares about is that it's your weapon, no one elses.

also you look cute af with it don't @ him.

obviously you're going straight into his party. and every other party he owns.

and any bosses you're fighting? you're there.

his chat's yelling at him because your element isn't good against this boss.

you know what this man says?

"too bad. (name) supremacy."

you’re the reason he smiles so much, hun <33

secretum secretorum (albedo) -

please he stocked up on primogems ever since he reacted to your update.

he's so excited to see what your attacks are since he purposefully avoided seeing them.

he's got over thirty (30) wishes worth of primogems and his wallet is sitting on his desk.

he promises his chat he'll watch the character trailer and demo after he gets you because he wants everything to be a surprise.

he starts the stream by showing off all of the drawings he's made over the time waiting for you to be released <3

he gets a bunch of donations from people wishing him luck and telling him that the money is exclusively to wish for you.

we love his supportive audience.

he will stream the very day you are released. he's on it within the first few minutes of launch.

finally, it's time to wish.

of course, he'll do all his daily commissions to get all those extra primogems just in case ;)

"the time has come."

by the time he's ready to wish for you, he's up in dragonspine in your little workplace.

his chat is spamming good luck messages and emotes (all of which were you that he made during one of his streams).

he's actually really nervous.

he knows he'll get you because he'll spend all of his money just to do it, but there's still that underlying fear hidden in his body.

he just wants you in his party because he knows he won't be able to get you after the banner is done.

it takes a few pulls but about four (4) minutes in, he sees the familiar golden comet fly across his stream.

both him and his chat are freaking out.

"please come home please come home please come home please come home."

AND YOU CAME HOME.

AND NOW HE'S DYING.

PLEASE YOU'RE SO COOL AND ADORABLE AND AMAZING AND

his chat pushes for him to wish for your weapon.

only the best for the chief alchemist that stole his heart <3

luckily, he got it with his remaining wishes.

he exits the wish menu so fast and places you in the first slot of his party.

before he even starts to use you, he will use the camera feature and just zoom in.

"look at them. look at how amazing they are. look."

he can and will show you off every chance he gets.

immediately begins leveling you up and ascending you because of course he spent the past few weeks grinding for all of your materials.

he will his highest artifacts away from his other characters just to give them to you.

over the days your banner is active, you best bet he's continuing to wish for you so that he can get you to c6 (which he does because you deserve the best).

you are the very first character he gets to friendship lvl 10. no matter how long he's had the other characters, you are the first.

expect the next few art streams to be based on you once again.

he will draw every voiceline he unlocks.

his stream overlay is now based on you and the background is your friendship card.

his cute little chalk ruler has stolen his heart <3

[halcyon-writings]

this isn’t a request but more like a concept but just the idea of childe whaling for your banner is very funny

— i love how this was meant to be just a small snippet but now i have written more for it

good luck to whoever is pulling for childe in his banner rerun!!

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

so let’s set the scene, Childe’s definitely a popular streamer for 2 reasons

He’s pretty and he knows it, his viewers know it, everyone does

He spends so much money on this game it’s not even funny. And people are either jealous of all the gear he’s gotten or just in plain awe of it all

this mf probably has fancams made of him every stream, so he purposefully poses, a popular pose is the lip bite

he usually doesn’t get so hyped over a lot of characters, except for maybe the geo archon, but that all changes when your character trailer drops. like, literally everyone can tell the difference. and it’s really funny and also just scary bc everyone knows this man spends too much on this game and they’re just guessing how much he’ll spend.

as soon as he’s able he starts the grind for everything.

from talent materials, ascension materials, artifacts, even to your weapon’s ascension materials. man is on a mission to make you the strongest character he has.

even if you’re some form of a support/healer, guess what; you’re now a dps. and you’re gonna be a damn good one if childe’s got anything to say about it. he’s a very unorthodox player, he would build barbara as a dps if he could.

“Man is dedicated,” One comment reads on his stream.

Childe looks up at the camera with a grin, “You bet I am.”

The particularly clip is a popular one with all the fancams for weeks.

He will also preemptively buy whatever the summoning materials are, and a lot of them. It’s at this point where he now is getting many questions as to where his money comes from. sure he gets a good amount from streams, but where tf is he getting the rest. but no one gets an answer. it’s better that way.

literally when you’re banner drops, everyone is waiting with bated breathes for his steam. and when he does, he’s got a whole audience.

first it’s a bit of normal playing to catch up with the viewers, and then he does a few single pulls. a four star but then mostly threes. he does a multi.

a gold light.

the chat is going wild.

it’s a different 5* from the pool. That means you’re guaranteed for him right?

wrong

he pulls again, 3 stars.

again, a 4 star weapon. again, all 3 star weapons. again, a 4 star character.

but no gold.

“We are not losing hope yet folks,” He says, a day later, “____’s coming home, I just know it.”

But the same happens again. Only 3-4 stars.

and again.

Man is spending so much that he could at this point be the main reason why you’re banner is at one of the top spots of who’s spending the most on which banner. It’s all him.

But imagine you’re banner is the shorter runs, so now he’s getting desperate. He does every little ritual he can think of. From sacrificing characters to waiting until a certain time. But nothing.

And then it’s the last day. If it were possible every single character that he could get has arrived. But not you.

“Folks if it’s not meant to be i’m quitting.” And he does one last single pull for the hell of it. He won’t actually quit but still. It’ll hurt a lot. And the feelsbadman emotes he’s getting only add salt to the wound.

Gold.

He’s awed.

And then your splash art appears.

The comments are going wild and Childe is just sitting back, head in hands like “finally.”

He gets you all the artifacts he set aside for you, your weapon. By the time the stream is over you’re at full ascension. And with really good stats.

“We’ve had a miracle on this day.” Childe says. You can see the joy in his eyes.

And literally the rest of the video is him just listening to the voice lines he’s got so far, doing different domains and whatever he can to get your friendship higher. Man’s has you as his icon, a quote from your voice lines as his signature, the whole shebang.

Makes his twitter bio “Whaled for _____. Worth it.” and it does not change.

[constellationswh40kau]

Memes and Themes spawned by the Constellations Discord Server

@incorrect-primarchs-quotes

So Many PetPet Memes

Ra knows everyone. He has the photos of your great-great grandma even your family doesn't have. He knows all your embarrassing childhood stories, about your estranged second cousin's pregnancy. He knows all.

Byzantine Ultramarines and Roboute Guilliman

Horrible Tapeworm Child Konrad

The Eyas stealing all the Servo Skulls

The Monkey

Constantin Valdor refusing to leave a zoo of any kind because he loves natural history

Dr. Victor von Doom being an Emperor-approved babysitter

Arkhan Land is No Longer Allowed to Do Genetics

BROOKLYN SUPREME / HORMSE

The not-actually-a-mermaid-au WIP

Angron Likes Sea Turtles and Whales

Sanguinius, Magnus and Corvus flying into windows

PLEASE GET OUT OF MY GOOGLE DOCS / HIVEMIND!

The Imperium Reinventing Vine

Everyone Is A Cryptid

Bad Fanfiction Porn of the Legio Custodes

The Lingua Ignota Dictionary

The Hug Squad

Roboute is The Distraction/Cry-on-cue Sibling

Corvus Swallowing Anything Shiny

Transhuman Social Culture

Purring

Custodians Who Knit

Fuck Kor Phaeron

Fuck Erda

Anrek Having Dad Energy / Being the Emotional Support Night Lord

Jasteel and Anrek's Excellent Adventures

Jasteel and Anrek being Arm Candy

Fulgrim Will Eat Anything

The Eldritch Family Portrait

Ribcage Snuggles

The Babies Do Manhattan

The Infinity Stones are Snacks

Games with The Eyas

Hiding in The Vents

Baby Slings

Tiny Baby Jenetia Krole

GalenxSinestra / Alloy

*HORRIBLE ELDRITCH SCREAMING*

(The entire Chaos Kitten TTS AU that spawned): Puppy Baby Gus Perturabo tinkering with Custodes armour Catboy Kitten Confident, Done-With-All-Your-Shit Kitten

(The entire Pacific Rim AU that also spawned): The Marshall's Ridiculous Amount of Children Murder!Ra Feels Music Night The 'Janitors'

(The entire daemon/His Dark Materials AU that spawned) Mama Birb Aquila Eglantine 'Egg' the Ostrich Cagebreaker Oh God They're How Big Lotara Sarrin's Angry Weasel Death Guard Flamingos Skeleton Puppies Milimetre-Centimetre

[havenoffandoms]

Shrimp (Eskel/Geralt/Lambert/Aiden)

Pairing: Eskel/Geralt/Lambert/Aiden

Summary: 

“Hey, what about this one?” Aiden suddenly exclaims, pulling a stuffed seal from the back of a shelf and holding it up in triumph, a cheesy smile plastered on his handsome face. “Remember last week when Eskel almost cried watching that nature documentary where the baby seal almost got eaten by a killer whale?”

“A seal?” Lambert and Geralt parrot at the same time, exchanging a dubious look. “Look how cute it is. The big blue eyes.” Aiden points at the blue dots sown into the fluffy white seal’s head. “I know exactly what Eskel will say when he sees them. They remind me of Lambert’s eyes.”

Warnings: none, this is pure fluff

Eskel always takes care of his lovers.

Geralt, Lambert, and Aiden all know they are lucky to have someone like Eskel in their lives. For one, Eskel is a feeder. His boyfriends are always the first to sample his new baked creations, though you will never catch Geralt, Lambert, or Aiden faulting Eskel’s baking. The man is simply a genius with his hands, double entendre intended, but Eskel is his own harshest critic despite the years of hard work and continuous on-the-job training he endured to get where he is today. Even though his online bakery only recently started taking off, people are crazy for his baked goods, and some of Eskel’s more elaborate creations can go for a few hundred dollars apiece.

Eskel is not only a god in the kitchen, he is always attentive to his three partners’ every need. When Lambert works late at night on a case and forgets to eat, drink, or even sleep, Eskel is there to remind him to take care of himself. He will bring up dinner, chilled bottles of water, and even drape a blanket around Lambert’s shoulders when it becomes apparent that his hard-working boyfriend won’t come to bed, too invested in a difficult case to find sleep that night. When Aiden’s old war injury plays up, causing his right leg to seize up, Eskel will make Aiden sit in the chair by the radiator, and bring him cups of steaming tea and buttery strawberry tarts - Aiden’s favourite - to cheer him up. When Geralt experiences one of his anxious days, Eskel will tolerate having his lover stuck to his hip all day, delighting in the needy kisses Geralt seeks from him and returning the affections in kind.

Eskel is, hands down, the best man either three of his boyfriends have ever known, and they all love him to the moon and back. Even so, they tend to forget that under the soft and loving walls Eskel puts up lies a man who has struggled far too many hardships in his life, a man who is still plagued by many unhappy memories that occasionally come back to haunt him with a force. Eskel rarely shows this weaker, more vulnerable side of himself, instead focusing all his energy on making sure his partners are taken care of and happy, often at the expense of his own well-being.

Today is one of those days, where Geralt, Lambert, and Aiden can just tell that Eskel is not in the right headspace, but refuses to speak to them. Only today, unlike their usual tendency to simply let Eskel work through whatever dark thoughts are taunting him on his own, his three lovers decided to grab the metaphorical bull by the horns. This is why they all decided to drive to the mall in Lambert’s Camaro on a bright Saturday afternoon, leaving Eskel to stress bake in their shared kitchen and work off some of the pent-up frustrations weighing him down. The mall is heaving, which does precious little to appease Geralt’s social anxiety, but having Lambert and Aiden walking at either side of him, shielding him from the crowd, helps a little.

“You alright?” Aiden asks softly, bumping his shoulder with Geralt’s. “If you’d rather wait in the car…”

“I’m fine,” Geralt mumbles in response, keeping close to Aiden. Lambert’s hand on his elbow is an added comfort in the general chaos of the shoppers pushing past them in a hurry.

When they reach their destination, Geralt reminds himself why they came here and why he is enduring the mob of people. He glances up at the sign above the store, blue letters against a yellow background reading “Build-a-Bear Workshop”. It was Geralt’s idea to come here, and he felt foolish for suggesting it, and yet here they are. Will Eskel even like getting a teddy? Will he laugh at them? Or worse, fake his excitement when they present him with his gift?

“Hey,” Lambert squeezes Geralt’s elbow firmly, but with an underlying softness in his tone that undermines the stern gesture, “I can hear you panicking from here. Stop that. He’ll love it.”

“He’s not a child,” Geralt objects weakly, feeling his confidence waning by the minute, “what if he-”

“It’s Eskel we’re talking about,” Aiden interjects all the while leading Geralt and Lambert into the busy store, “big, fluffy, cuddly Eskel who coos at baby goats and always bakes treats for his clients’ kids which he gives out for free . That Eskel will be ecstatic with this gift.”

“If anything, he’ll be upset that we didn’t take him with us to pick his favourite teddy,” Lambert adds wisely, looking around the store with wide, nervous eyes. “Shit, there are so many options. What’s Eskel’s favourite animal?”

“That’s like asking Geralt to pick a favourite horse,” Aiden jokes, gently reassuringly nosing Geralt’s cheek.

“My favourite horse is Roach,” Geralt deadpans, raising a challenging eyebrow and his lips quirking slightly at Aiden and Lambert’s exasperated groans.

“See what I mean?” Aiden tells Lambert while pointing demonstratively at Geralt.

“I’m sure we can think of Eskel’s favourite animal. How hard can it be?” Lambert picks up the nearest stuffed animal in the shape of a chocolate lab, eyeing it suspiciously. “Does he like dogs?”

“Who doesn’t like dogs?” Geralt picks up a stuffed horse from one of the shelves to his right, “this one looks like Roach.”

“Which one?” Aiden asks sarcastically, pointing his words with an eye roll, “besides, we’re not here for you. We’re here for Eskel.”

“Being around people makes me anxious, I need an emotional support teddy,” Geralt pouts, holding the stuffed horse close to his chest, “it looks just like Roach.”

“Jesus Christ,” Lambert huffs in exasperation, “Geralt, I promise to buy you this stuffed teddy tomorrow, but today is about Eskel.”

“Hey, what about this one?” Aiden suddenly exclaims, pulling a stuffed seal from the back of a shelf and holding it up in triumph, a cheesy smile plastered on his handsome face. “Remember last week when Eskel almost cried watching that nature documentary where the baby seal almost got eaten by a killer whale?”

“A seal?” Lambert and Geralt parrot at the same time, exchanging a dubious look.

“Look how cute it is. The big blue eyes.” Aiden points at the blue dots sown into the fluffy white seal’s head. “I know exactly what Eskel will say when he sees them. They remind me of Lambert’s eyes.”

Continue reading here.