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thewadapan · 7 months ago

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So why did Transformers One bomb?

Look, I'm just going to say it right off the bat: no, Transformers One is not the best Transformers movie of all time. I am (gritting my teeth) very happy for every single Transformers fan except me, who all seem to have liked it, and most of whom seem to have loved it. I agree that, as a production, it meets some baseline level of technical competence. It's a perfectly fine movie.

It's also the worst-performing Transformers movie Paramount has ever made.

Hopefully, now that its theatrical run has unceremoniously ended, people aren't going to try to rip me to shreds for theoretically threatening this multi-million-dollar film's box office revenue some miniscule amount by sharing a few teensy weensy complaints with my fifty followers.

Because I do just have a few little nitpicks, which I've tried my best to communicate, over the next 17,000 words of this post.

If you're not a Transformers fan, sorry, this essay is mostly written with the assumption that you've seen Transformers One. However, it might still be of some interest as a window into the current state of the franchise. I've written a basic plot summary of the movie to bring you up to speed, in that case. Because Transformers One purports to be the perfect introduction to the story, no homework needed, I've also done you the courtesy of elucidating background context as needed—think of this less as a review, and more as a history lesson, or maybe a "lore explained" YouTube video. After all, that's pretty much all that Transformers One is.

(And if farcically long posts aren't really your thing, you might prefer to listen to the special episode of Our Worlds are in Danger where my pals and I chatted about the film. Many of the hottest takes and silliest bits in this essay are shamelessly stolen from Jo and Umar.)

We've been waiting for Transformers One for a very long time. It's the first animated Transformers film to get a theatrical release since The Transformers: The Movie came out in 1986. It first entered development around a decade ago. Many fandom members I know online got to see it as far back as June. Its US premiere was in September; those of us in the UK had to wait a full extra month before seeing it, for no clear reason. This is a film which purports to show, in broad strokes, for the first time on the big screen, the origin of the Transformers: where they come from, who they are, and why they're fighting.

By the end of its runtime, Transformers One does not actually answer these questions. Don't get me wrong, it takes great pains trying to answer a lot of different, related questions—just ones which nobody was really asking in the first place: What does the word "Autobots" mean, if not "automobile robots"? What does the word "Decepticons" mean, if they're not actually deceitful? Why is he called "Optimus Prime"? Why is he called "Megatron"? If they were friends, why did they fall out? Why does Starscream sound Like That? Where does Energon come from? If "Prime" is a title, what were the other Primes like? How do Transformers transform?

Writer Eric Pearson, coming onto the project as an outsider to Transformers, describes having to go to Hasbro to ask these kinds of questions:

they had a script that outlined the story that they wanted to tell. I knew Optimus Prime and Megatron and I knew Bumblebee as well, or B. I had to ask about some of the other deeper ones, the mythology, “what exactly is the Matrix of Leadership?” Stuff like that.

See, Hasbro does in fact have the answers written down somewhere. The story as I understand it goes something like this. During the wild west of the '80s and '90s, Transformers "canon" was largely a by-the-seat-of-your-pants consensus-based affair between the freelance writers and copywriters the toy company would bring on to advertise their toys. That changed around the turn of the millennium, when late later-CEO Brian Goldner saw how Hasbro's licensed IP lines (such as Star Wars) were more financially successful and realised they could make more money by aggressively promoting their own in-house IP, which they didn't have to pay licensing fees for. (For the curious, a similar thought process at rival toy company Lego was what led to their creation of BIONICLE.)

The guy basically singlehandedly managing the Transformers brand at the time, Aaron Archer, eventually set to reconciling all the self-contradictory lore surrounding Transformers, an endeavour which dovetailed into the creation of the HasLab internal think-tank (best known for Battleship, the 2012 store-brand Michael Bay knockoff which was a failure critically and commercially but not in my heart) and ultimately the creation of the so-called "Binder of Revelation", an internal story bible which cost over $250,000 to produce and has strongly influenced nigh on every piece of Transformers media released since, but which we hadn't actually seen until it got leaked a week ago. As it turns out, the document itself (compiled mostly by marketers and toy designers) is patently useless to any writer: it's a typo-ridden internally-inconsistent wishy-washy mess that mostly describes the characters in terms of a made-up form of Transformers astrology that has otherwise never seen the light of day.

So although the Binder is the baseline story bible for most modern Transformers media, its influence isn't direct per se; it's more accurate to describe it as being an elaborate game of telephone between high-profile cartoons, comics, and other internal documents, with the Binder itself apparently just sitting in a drawer somewhere at Hasbro; Eric Pearson says that he never received a "binder", with the "script" he mentions either being the earlier draft from Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari (the guys who originally pitched the story), or some other unseen internal document. Director Josh Cooley, however, definitely seems to have been physically handed the Binder or its mass-market adaptation:

I knew that there was a lot of origin to be told, and when I first started, [Hasbro] gave me the Transformers Bible. I could not believe how big it was. I was like, "This is way more than I ever anticipated."

When trailers first dropped for Transformers One, a lot of my friends who are savvy were immediately like: "Oh, this is a weirdly faithful adaptation of the Binder of Revelation, huh."

I. The One True Origin of the Transformers

Half of the people reading this are Transformers fans, and half of you literally could not give less of a shit about Transformers, so if you're in the 'former group (so to speak), you'll just have to bear with me while I bring the rest of us up to speed.

Before the Transformers' civil war begins, Cybertron is being oppressed by the Quintessons. The Quintessons are a race of five-faced aliens (as in, not Transformers), who execute everyone they come across, first introduced in The Transformers: The Movie, presiding over a kangaroo court on a castaway world. In the followup cartoon five-parter "Five Faces of Darkness", writer Flint Dille established that, gasp, they were actually the original creators of the Transformers! But basically nobody else at the time was particularly compelled by this idea, it seems, with most fans preferring the more mythological origin story conceived by Bri'ish writer Simon Furman for the Marvel comics. I think people kind of just didn't like to think of the Transformers as being robots—mass-produced, a fabrication, programmed—as opposed to an alien race of thinking, feeling beings like us. But because the cartoon was important to many kids, a lot of early-2000s media tried to reconcile the cartoon and comic origin stories by stating that the Quintessons didn't actually create the Transformers; rather, they simply colonised the planet early in its history and pretended to be the Transformers' creators, until the truth came out and they got kicked offworld. This is how the Binder of Revelation ultimately paid lip service to the Quintessons. In Transformers One, the Quintessons are just sort of here, they're these evil aliens secretly skimming Energon from its miners, they don't speak English (or whichever language the film was dubbed into in your market region), they're just these nasty societal parasites.

Energon is Transformers fuel. In the original cartoon, it was these glowing pink cubes the Decepticons were always trying to produce using harebrained Saturday-morning-cartoon energy-stealing devices. There was a Cold War going on, America had just been through an "energy crisis", maybe you're old enough to remember any of that. Transformers are these big, complicated machines, so I guess the idea is they need this hyper-compressed superfuel to run off, and their homeworld has run out. By the time of the Binder of Revelation, the concept had been telephoned to the point where Energon is like the lifeblood of Primus or some shit.

Primus is the Transformers God—but not the kind of God you have "faith" in, rather this actual guy whose existence is objectively known in various ways. He transforms into a planet, that's kind of cool, right? Where does Primus come from? Look, it doesn't matter, he's like, the God of Creation, he was there at the start of time. He created all of the Transformers. All the other species in the galaxy, though, they evolved naturally thanks to "science". Actually wait, didn't that Quintus Prime guy go around the universe seeding all the planets with different kinds of Cybertronian life? That's why they're called Quintessons. See, now you know. Who's Quintus Prime?

Okay, so the Thirteen Original Transformers, or the Primes, are the thirteen original Transformers created by Primus. Most of them correspond to different kinds of Transformer: Nexus Prime is the god of Transformers who can combine, Onyx Prime is the god of Transformers who turn into animals, Micronus Prime is the god of Transformers who are small, and Solus Prime is the god of Transformers who are women. You might remember the Primes from Revenge of the Fallen, although there were only seven of them there for whatever reason.

Honestly, The Fallen was the only one who mattered for a long time. The whole reason there's thirteen of them is because thirteen is kind of an unlucky number, right? Twelve would've been fine. But throw in a thirteenth guy, and he betrays everyone, he's this fucked up evil guy. In the Binder of Revelation, though, the Thirteenth Prime is his own special guy shrouded in mystery, because they kind of liked the idea that Optimus Prime would secretly turn out to have been the Thirteenth Prime all along, and he just forgot or something, because that means he has the divine right of Primes. In IDW's 2010s comic-book reboot, the Thirteenth Prime was called "The Arisen"—in reference to that one line in The Transformers: The Movie, "Arise, Rodimus Prime!" (this margin is too narrow to explain who Rodimus Prime is). Towards the end of his run, writer John Barber did some actually interesting stuff with the concept, playing with the ambiguity over whether-or-not Optimus Prime was actually the chosen one.

All of Optimus Prime's immediate predecessors as Autobot leaders, Sentinel Prime, Zeta Prime, the lineage seen in "Five Faces of Darkness"... they're all false Primes. They're Primes in name only. In fact, IDW had a whole procession of these cartoonishly evil dictators thanks to a few continuity errors leading to the addition of a couple of extra narratively-redundant fuckers. Transformers One tries to simplify it slightly by just saying that Zeta Prime was one of the Primes for real—occupying that thirteenth "free space"—and it was just Sentinel Prime who was only a normal Transformer pretending to be a Prime, then Optimus Prime who's a real boy.

But if he's not a Prime from the start, Optimus Prime needs another name in the meantime. In the '80s cartoon episode "War Dawn", before he was called Optimus Prime, he was called "Orion Pax". Have you noticed that Optimus Prime is kind of an odd-one-out amongst all the straightup-English-word names like "Bumblebee" and "Ratchet" and "Jazz"? That's because his name was one of a tiny handful from very early in the franchise's development, before writer Bob Budiansky came onboard and came up with identities for the vast majority of the toys. Practically everyone Bob Budiansky named is called like, "Bolts" or some shit, long before the characters even know of Earth, which has always just been a contrivance of the setting you're not supposed to think about.

Presumably to create a parallel with Orion Pax's transformation into Optimus Prime, someone at Hasbro in the 2010s came up with a new name for the bot who would become Megatron: "D-16". In real-world terms, this was nothing more than a dorky reference to the Megatron toy's original Japanese release being number 16 in the line ("D" stands for "Destron", which is what they call Decepticons in Japan). But in-universe, the name "D-16" was drawn from the sector of the mine where he worked. I don't get the impression it was originally intended to be part of a broader pattern.

Which is why I'm baffled as to what the hell the reasoning was behind Bumblebee's pre-Earth name, "B-127". There's this bizarre situation in the Bumblebee film, where the name "B-127" first cropped up, where literally every other bot gets a normal cool name with personality like "Cliffjumper" or "Dropkick" except for Bumblebee, who is stuck with this clunky sci-fi name until he makes friends with a human teenager on Earth and she gives him the name Bumblebee. I guess I don't find it confusing that the writers would (correctly) realise it's a bit weird for Bumblebee to be called Bumblebee on an alien planet where bumblebees don't exist. What I find confusing is that they didn't extend that logic to any other character.

So despite everything else in the franchise's direction pointing away from "robot" and towards "alien", Transformers One ends up with this ridiculous situation where two of the most important guys are, for practically the whole movie, simply referred to as "Dee" and "Bee", I guess because the writers correctly realised the numbers sound fucking stupid.

And if you squint, "Elita-1" sorta fits this naming scheme. But the great irony of it is that the very same cartoon episode which coined "Orion Pax" simultaneously established that Elita-1 also used to go by a different name: "Ariel"! Like the Little Mermaid. Y'know, because an "aerial" is a type of electrical component- oh, forget it.

By the time the script made it into Eric Pearson's hands, it's obvious that he simply was not thinking about it that deeply. He describes the genesis of a scene where Bumblebee introduces his imaginary friends, "A-atron, EP 5-0-8, and Steve." A-atron was impov'd by Keegan-Michael Key as a reference to one of his own skits on Key & Peele. Steve ("He's foreign.") was literally just because Pearson thought it would be funny. It's true that Steve is an inherently funny name, and I guess if you're struggling to come up with jokes of your own, it can be handy to fall back on something which is inherently funny.

And again, our silly answers to these silly questions beget yet more questions. If he started out as "D-16", then where did the name "Megatron" come from? And if all the Primes have epic made-up fantasy names, then surely that one guy can't just be called "The Fallen", right? That's not a name, that's an epithet. Unfortunately, someone at Hasbro had the bright idea to answer both these questions at once: The Fallen's real name was "Megatronus". Later, for consistency, they threw on the title, and we get "Megatronus Prime", which sounds like what a thirteen-year-old on deviantART in 2014 would call their Steven Universe fusion of Megatron and Optimus Prime. So you see, Megatron actually named himself after Megatronus Prime, famously the most evil of the Primes. In Transformers One, this is changed slightly so Megatronus is merely the strongest of the Primes, as part of its overall effort to make Megatron not look completely insane.

Which, it must be said, is a tall order. Better stories have tried and failed. Back in 2007, Scottish writer Eric Holmes came up with Megatron Origin, a perfectly-fine comic miniseries which drew heavily from the miners' strikes that took place in the UK from 1984-1985, coinciding with the inception of the Transformers franchise. In that comic, Megatron is a lowly miner who, through a series of chance events, winds up at the head of a dangerous political revolutionary movement.

For some reason—I guess because nobody had ever tried to make Megatron anything other than a bloodthirsty cackling madman before—this take on Megatron as a guy who rose up against a corrupt system became the defining interpretation of the character, copy/pasted pretty much wholesale into the Binder of Revelation. Orion Pax also opposes the system, and bonds with Megatron over it, but they disagree on how to fix it: Pax believes in peaceful reform, Megatron just loves to kill. In Transformers One, the problem everyone has with Megatron is basically "whoa, this guy's a little TOO angry!" and there's a point towards the end of the film where Megatron suddenly starts jonesing to kill literally anyone who stands in his way, because he's irrationally angry.

The core problem here—and it's kind of the Magneto problem, the Killmonger problem, whatever better-known example you care to insert here—is that these guys all fundamentally exist just to be a big villain who loves to kill people and who ultimately gets defeated, but the kids who grew up on this stuff in the '80s are now adults who are no longer satisfied with cardboard cutout villains. People like a complex villain, they like a villain who has a point. They like to root for both sides. And in fact, it's easier to sell more toys to people who are rooting for both sides, if your villain is just another kind of hero. But you don't really need to take the same effort with the good guys: they're good by design, righteous by nature. They don't need to stand for something, they just need to stand against the guy whose whole thing is that he loves to kill people.

But again, we're starting from a place where the evil faction—who half the planet will ultimately align themselves with—are literally called "Decepticons". It's a name you'd only ever call yourself ironically, maybe reclaiming it from your enemies. In this film, there's some tortured logic that implies they're called Decepticons because they were deceived by Sentinel Prime. Like if you met a gang of guys who call themselves "The Robbers", but it turns out to be because they got robbed one time, and they actually have zero intention of stealing from anyone.

The Autobots are easier, of course. "Auto" is a prefix that just means, like, the self, or whatever. And the most agreeably American ideal of all is selfishness the power of the individual, the freedom to seize one's own destiny. Prime's original '80s motto, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," is bastardised in Transformers One into the slightly less rolls-out-off-the-tongue "Freedom and autonomy are the rights of all sentient beings," because (I can only assume) they forgot to work the word "autonomy" earlier into the script. If they ever greenlit Transformers Three, I suppose the motto would have ended up as something like "Freedom, autonomy, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope are the rights of all sentient beings." Even though bodily autonomy is one of the most salient motifs present in the film—all but referred to by name—I suppose the filmmakers were worried that you might think, when Prime says "freedom", that he actually means something completely different. So now you see! "Autobots" is actually the descriptive name of a political movement which believes in obviously good things. Like "Moms for Liberty".

Okay, so the cannier among you have probably spotted the mean rhetorical trick I'm pulling with this encyclopedia-entry-ass introduction. By sarcastically relitigating all the storytelling choices I dislike from the last 20 years of Transformers lore, I can build up a negative association with Transformers One without even reviewing the movie itself! On a subtextual level, I'm deliberately misattributing these bad ideas to the filmmakers, conveniently ignoring the mountains of evidence to suggest that they were just trying to make the best of whatever Hasbro handed them from on high. If anything—you might think—the filmmakers deserve even more credit, for spinning this shite into something even remotely good on the big screen.

Like, you'd be wrong, but I can see why you might think that.

II. The Spider-Verse of Transformers

Okay, I can see that I've spat in your soup. I'm sorry. There are lots of good bits in Transformers One. I can even think of one or two of them off the top of my head, without really racking my brains.

Maybe halfway through the film, there is one specific moment where the story suddenly promises to get good. You can pinpoint it down to the word, down to the frame even. Our heroes have just discovered that their planet's leader, Sentinel Prime, is a complete fraud who's been secretly exploiting them ever since they were born—and worse, castrated them by removing their transformation cogs. They are all very cross about this. Orion Pax expresses that he wants to come up with a plan to expose Sentinel Prime. Megatron is too angry to listen. Orion Pax asks, "Don't you want to stop him?" And Megatron replies, "No, I want to KILL him!" And there's like, a little tint of red creeping into the glow of his eyes.

Whoa. Chills. Up to this point in the film, Megatron has been kind of surly at times, but he's otherwise a generic kids' movie protagonist. He's often chipper. He makes quips. He has this banter with Orion Pax where he's always complaining. It's literally that one "Optimist Prime"/"Negatron" comic, committed to film. Like I'm not even being facetious, one of the film's few obligatory "emotional moments" has Elita-1 sit Orion Pax down and say, "You know what I love about you? You always see the bright side. Like you're some kind of OPTIMIST or something." And then later completely unrelatedly God gives him the mandate of heaven and says "ARISE, OPTIMUS PRIME!" Y'see, as originally conceived, "Optimus" is the word "Optimum" if it was a name, which is why people sometimes localise his name as "Best #1". But it's genuinely kind of cute to reverse-engineer the etymology as coming from "optimist", I guess. Like, it's stupid, but it's cute.

Argh, I got distracted with naming minutia again! Entirely my bad. That's the last time, I promise. Where was I? Right, we'd just found out that Megatron is kind of scary. Brian Tyree Henry's line delivery as he growls "KILL" is his crowning achievement in this film.

Where Optimus Prime's character arc in this movie sees him change from a funny, rebellious spirit to a complete personality vacuum, Megatron's character arc is kind of the opposite. When we're first introduced to him, it's weirdly hard to get a handle on who he is. He's a fanboy for Megatronus, the strongest and most morally-unremarkable of the Primes. He looks up to Sentinel Prime. He likes sports. He doesn't like breaking the rules. In fact, we get the sense that, were it not for his friendship with Orion Pax, he would be literally indistinguishable from the legion of silent crowd-filling background characters he works with. But the moment he starts to become Megatron, it's like everything starts to click. Gears catch, where once they ground and idled. There is something in this guy that was made to fight, made to kill, made to rule. It's sick.

And the underlying tension in his friendship with Optimus suddenly snaps into focus. Megatron is mad at Sentinel Prime, but Sentinel Prime isn't there, he's somewhere else, far below... and he can't help but turn that anger on the next closest thing to an authority figure he has in his life, which is his peer-pressuring bestie, Orion Pax. There is a part of Megatron that wishes he'd never learned the truth, and he blames Orion Pax for his cursed knowledge, for constantly leading them into predicaments on his stupid flights of fancy. Now that he knows, he can't go back to how he was. He can't stop thinking about it.

I'll be honest, it rules. Obviously it rules. It's complicated and toxic and darker than this movie was marketed to be. In interview, Josh Cooley describes the draft of the script he was presented with when he joined the project as having been far more jokey, light-hearted, glib—and it seems we can credit him for saying "Look, this ain't right, the minute the credits roll these guys are going to be at civil war for millions of years."

So, they started talking about it in — what did you say, 2015? I came on board in 2020, and when I came on board there was the first draft of the script. So I don't think they'd been working on it that entire time, but they'd been thinking about it, for sure. And the script that I read was a little more comical? But it was clear that that wasn't the right tone for this film specifically, because we know there's gonna be a war, civil war on Cybertron, you can't have everybody making jokes and then all of a sudden there's a war. So, um, the stakes were really important for this film. And because our characters at the beginning are a little naive, and just on the younger side, not as experienced, it allowed more freedom for them to be a little looser and have fun really getting to know these characters. But once they realize something's going on and things are getting real, it needs to get real.

Cooley also describes his "in" on the film as being the brotherly relationship between Optimus Prime and Megatron (they're not literally brothers in this film, though they have been in the past), which perhaps explains why Megatron and Optimus Prime get to be characters, instead of just like, guys who are there.

That was always the goal from the beginning and what got me on board. It was this relationship between these two characters that was very human and brotherly. I thought about my relationship with my brother and how I could bring that in. It’s not like we’re enemies, but we grew up together and then went down our different paths, but we’re still brotherly. I became a writer-director and live in a fantasy land, and he became a homicide detective who deals with reality, so we’re two very different mindsets. I have always been fascinated by the idea of two people who come from the same place but end up in different ones. From the very beginning, I was like, ‘That’s something I can relate to.’

Anyway, things I liked, what else. There's that joke at the very start, after the excruciating lore powerpoint, where Orion Pax does a fake-out like he's going to transform, the music briefly swells, and then it just cuts to him legging it down the corridor. In a similar vein, I liked the idea behind the Iacon 5000, where Orion Pax has them run in the race. I felt like the execution of the race left a bit to be desired—the only other participant who matters is Darkwing—but it's still honestly the best big action setpiece in the film. There's also that bit at the end where Megatron and Optimus Prime are both changing into their final forms simultaneously, and it's basically a Homestuck Flash (what would that be, "[S] OPTIMUS PRIME. ARISE."?), so obviously I liked that. Oh, and I really liked the environment design where the planet's landscape is constantly transforming, that's brand-new, someone had an Idea there, and it creates visual interest during the initial Energon-mining scene... even if I wished it had actually paid off in a more meaningful way than "the planet's crust opens as Prime falls to get the Matrix"—like, someone really should've gotten eaten by the planet, that's a cracking Disney death scene and they left it on the table! I also liked getting to see my blorbo, Vector Prime, on the big screen.

I think, as a Transformers fan who's had to sit through a lot of really quite sexist, racist, and plain bad films, you're well within your rights to come out of this one ready to give it a fucking Oscar. You should be ecstatic! It has none of those pesky humans clogging up the frame. It has plenty of robot action. It has jokes which- well I struggle to call many of them "funny", but they're at least trying to be funny in a different way to Michael Bay's films. The film is obviously a massive love letter to... honestly every part of Transformers except the live-action movies. It is an incredibly faithful and earnest adaptation of all the lore and iconography that has randomly accumulated the way it has over the last forty years of bullshit.

My main point of contention, then, is with the overriding sentiment I'm seeing from pretty much everyone else in the fandom: that this is not just the best Transformers movie, but that it's a great animated movie period, that it does for Transformers what Into the Spider-Verse did for Spider-Man, what The Last Wish did for Puss in Boots, and what Mutant Mayhem did for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That, in effect, this film will make you "get it". That it's better-looking, better-written, and more meaningful than a silly toy commercial has any right to be.

I think you can definitely see some loose influence from Spider-Verse in the overall look of the film—particularly in its color grading, and in the design of its main setting, the underground city of Iacon, where the upside-down skyscrapers hanging from the ceiling evoke the iconic "falling upwards" shot from Spider-Verse. Like The Last Wish, it's an animated franchise film that spent much longer than you'd think in development, only for the release of Into the Spider-Verse to have an immediate impact on its visual style... without actually affecting the basic story to the same extent. Both Transformers One and The Last Wish, in many ways, feel like stories concocted using an older formula; in particular, Transformers One bears startling similarities to a similar toy-franchise-prequel, BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, which was released twenty years ago! By contrast, Mutant Mayhem—which had a much shorter development period—is a direct reaction to Spider-Verse in both aesthetic and narrative, and it has a much more distinctive creative direction as a result.

If you look at how all these titles have performed in cinemas, I think you can make a pretty strong case that audiences are perfectly willing to go out and see this kind of flick. A glance at Wikipedia tells me that Mutant Mayhem, The Bad Guys, and The Last Wish grossed double, triple, and quadruple their budgets respectively. In terms of the pre-existing cultural cachet they were banking on, we're talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a children's book series I'd never heard of, and fucking Puss in Boots. You cannot tell me that Transformers, as a brand, is on the same level as any of these properties. Meanwhile, Transformers One hardly broke even, while The Wild Robot—another DreamWorks film based on a children's book I've never heard of, which it ended up competing with in theatres—grosses three times its budget. My friends who've seen The Wild Robot say it made them cry.

Face it: Transformers One has not lit the world on fire. I've seen a lot of people cope with this by suggesting that it's to do with the film's staggered release, or even by claiming that the film's marketing was somehow misleading. I'll be honest, upon seeing it, it did not strike me as being at all dissimilar to the trailers. You can maybe say that the trailers undersold the depth of Orion Pax's and Megatron's relationship—which is its best aspect—but honestly, I think if they'd taken a lot of those scenes out of context and put them in early teasers, audiences would've laughed it out of theatres. Like, c'mon, it's toy robots, stop pretending it's Shakespeare. And otherwise, what you see is what you get; it's exactly what it says on the tin.

I wonder how many Transformers fans, on some level, have noticed that even when we're supposedly "eating good", and watching "peak cinema", our films just aren't as good as everyone else's. They're something you'll enjoy if you're already highly predisposed to enjoy them. But otherwise, they're not turning heads. They're not as funny, or as heartfelt, or as complex, or as exciting, or as charming, or as memorable, or as beautiful as these other films. Unlike with Spider-Verse, there's no word-of-mouth amongst normal people to say that this is a film worth seeing.

What I perceive in studios hoping to recreate the flash-in-the-pan success of Spider-Verse is a misunderstanding of what made people go crazy for that movie in the first place. Yes, it changed our conception of what an 3D-animated film could look like. Yes, the multiverse is very cool and all that. Yes, it had a huge IP attached to it. But on a more fundamental level, that movie has a fantastic story underpinning it. The script is razor-sharp. The story is beautifully complex. The vision of New York City it presents is a living, breathing place, populated by real people. It has the kind of craft to it that can only come from truly obsessive creators cultivating an absolutely miserable professional environment for a legion of passionate animators.

In interview, Transformers producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura actually spoke surprisingly candidly about his view on crunch:

I probably shouldn't answer this question, because I'm not exactly PC on my answer. I think the nature of filmmaking is, we're really lucky to work in a business that's about passion. Passion doesn't fit really well into a timeline, so inevitably you come to a crunch time. It's just true in the live action, it's true in every movie, and authors always tell me that about when they're writing their books — it's the same thing happens to them! There's something about the creative process that's not — it's unruly. So, I think if you're enjoying it, you need to recognize that. Like, you know, I don't wanna abuse anybody, and y'know — if you get into that period where people have to really work too hard, you gotta help them in that situation, then. 'Cause it's gonna come. It does on every movie. I've never seen it not come, no matter how well you plan, et cetera. 'Cause it's not a science what we're doing at all, and there's all these discoveries that happen near the end, which makes you go "oh, let's do some more, come on!". We discovered that on this movie, where we're calling ILM going "we've got a few ideas, you know, do you have enough man-hours?". [...] Like, you gotta be conscious of it — in live-action, for instance, there are some studios that are so cheap that when you're on — sort of medium location-distance and you're shooting 'til midnight, they don't pay for a hotel room. It's like, well, no-no-no, you pay for a hotel room. You protect the people.

According to everyone who worked on Transformers One, everyone who worked on Transformers One was very passionate about it. But there are parts of this film where I think you can say, pretty objectively, that it's falling short of its intended effect. So I guess maybe they weren't that passionate. I'm not saying that to be mean! It's just... isn't that better than the alternative—that this was the best they could do?

III. I did not care for The Godfather

At one point in the film, the gang's magic map leads them to a scary cave, which looks like this:

Bumblebee fills the dead air by saying, "A cave, with teeth. Nothing scary about that!" The joke here is that this is a cave that looks like a mouth. But as depicted, it's a cave that looks like a mouth that doesn't look like a cave! I get that this is an alien planet, but stalactites don't grow that way on Earth, so when you see the cave onscreen, your gut reaction isn't "oh my, what a frightening cave!". No, this is a cave that makes you say, "that's not a cave, that's some kind of alien monster".

(It's not like "cave turns out to be a monster" would in any way be a fresh twist. In BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui, there's a bit where a character swims into a scary cave, and it turns out to be the mouth of a massive sea serpent. In The Empire Strikes Back, the Millennium Falcon briefly hides in an asteroid tunnel which turns out to be a giant space worm. So I'm definitely not saying Transformers One would've been a better film if it had used this stock trope.)

Then once the heroes go inside, we're whisked off to an entirely different set of concept artwork, for this lush organic underground paradise. There's no danger there. The cave itself is reduced to a strange little footnote. Maybe it's only in the story because a concept artist drew it before they'd worked out the finer points of the narrative, and Keegan-Michael Key just ended up ad-libbing the "teeth!" line when he was told to vamp for a few seconds. Or maybe the teeth gag was fully written into the script from the start, and the environment artists just interpreted it way too literally.

Like, I'm sorry, I don't mean to start off on the wrong foot here by harping on about the cave thing—it's not a perfect example anyway—but to me it's a microcosm for my frustration towards what I perceive to be a lack of creative vision in this film. So much of the film feels like it's not there to be entertaining, or meaningful, or narratively load-bearing... it's just obligatory, something they threw in for the sake of having anything at all. It's colors and sounds. When you see the spiky shape onscreen, you think, "ooh, this film was pretty bouba earlier, but now it's more kiki!" They get the comedian to improvise a few one-liners while the characters walk from place to place. And it's like, yes, this is a film for children. Of course the heroes have an adventure map with a big red X on it. In many respects this is a glorified episode of Pocoyo, or the modern equivalent, which I guess is "Baby Shark | Animal Songs For Children".

Nowhere is this sense of "we are obliged to put this in the movie" felt more strongly than in its supporting cast. When you look closely, you notice that Bumblebee and Elita-1—placed prominently in the film's marketing and being technically present for much of its runtime—don't actually do anything of narrative significance. They don't make choices that impact the story; they're just there, and it would not take much rewriting to excise them entirely, so it's just Orion Pax and Megatron on their little adventure. In fact, I'll just come out and say it: I think Transformers One would have been a better movie if Bumblebee and Elita-1 were not in it.

It helps that, from a Doylist perspective, the motivations for their inclusion are perfectly transparent. Firstly, think of the merchandise! Secondly, in Bumblebee's case, it's fucking Bumblebee, he's the whole reason half the kids will be watching, you can't not have him in there. Whenever Bumblebee's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, "where's Bumblebee?" Also, I think the creative team felt that they could use Bumblebee tactically to balance some of the darkness in the story.

In the G1 cartoon, Bumblebee just has the default Autobot personality—good-natured, a little sarcastic—with the dial turned a little more towards friendliness. There's this iconic anecdote from the production that cartoon, where writer David Wise found himself in exactly the same situation Transformers writers are finding themselves in forty years later: he was told to write a story about something called "Vector Sigma", and he had no fucking clue what Vector Sigma was supposed to be. So he asked story editor Bryce Malek, who also had no fucking idea. Malek in turn asked Hasbro, and was told that Vector Sigma was "the computer that gave all the Transformers personalities". Upon hearing this, Malek said, "Well, it didn't do a very good job, did it!" Vector Sigma, in case you missed it, does actually appear in Transformers One, as the polygonal shape that transitions into the Matrix of Leadership in the opening powerpoint; I guess they're one and the same now. Some things never change: in Michael Bay's Transformers movies, there is again just a single default personality that every single Autobot shares, a braggadacious action-hero facade over genuine bloodthirst. Who can forget that iconic moment in Revenge of the Fallen where Bumblebee rips out Ravage's spine in grisly slow-mo?

Aside from the fact that he's small and yellow, Bumblebee in Transformers One bears very little resemblance to any incarnation of the character kids might be accustomed to. Instead, he occupies a stock comic-relief archetype, he's a zany guy who goes "Well, that just happened!" If anything, his one joke in the third act—wanton murder—reads like it could maybe be a reference to his many Mortal Kombat fatalities in Bay's films. Beginning in 2007's Transformers Animated, Bumblebee has sometimes possessed deployable "stingers" that flip out from his hands, as a fun action feature for toys. Clearly someone on Transformers One saw this and thought it was the funniest fucking thing that Bumblebee has "knife hands", because the character spends the third act of the movie just shouting "knife hands!" and cutting people in half like a medieval terror.

(In the UK, Bumblebee's lines were re-recorded at the last minute so he says "sword hands" instead. This is because in the UK, we generally aren't able to kill each other using guns, so it's knives that are the big armed-violence boogeyman. Everyone's always talking about how all the kids have knives. And look, I'm not someone to indulge in moral panic, but genuinely, when I look at Bumblebee chasing around people with knives, saying, "I'm gonna cut these guys, watch!", I'm like... what the fuck were they thinking when they wrote that?)

Frankly, whatever is going on with Bumblebee is just an entirely different movie to everything else that's happening. When Bee shanks his twelfth nameless lackey in a row, the movie's like, awww, you're sweet! But when Megatron tries to kill the one (1) evil dictator who's just fucking branded him, who's still lying to his face while his people continue to die to the guy's fuckin' honor guard, Optimus Prime is like, HELLO, HUMAN RESOURCES?

Bumblebee is solely here to be funny, but there's a point in the film where it needs to become a war story, and the best they can think to do with Bumblebee is to have him kill people but in like, a funny way.

As for Elita-1... look, to put it very bluntly, she is in this movie to be a woman. Transformers has had a long, long forty-year history of boys'-club exclusionism, if not outright misogyny, and each new series usually has a token female character, as a kind of fig-leaf for the fact that really, the only fucking thing Hasbro cares about is that the boys are buying the toys. Beginning in the 1986 movie, it was Arcee who got to be "the pink one" for many years of fiction—but not toys, y'see, when parents want to buy something for their beloved young lad, they don't buy "the pink one", no sir. In the 2010s, wow-cool-OC Windblade took over for a stint as leading lady, decked out in a commercially-non-threatening red color scheme. Recently, though, it's been Elita-1—Optimus Prime's girlfriend from the original '80s cartoon—who's been the go-to female character, and she's increasingly allowed to be pink.

There is a lot of love for these characters amongst creatives and fans alike, and especially in the last decade, female Transformers have been both more numerous and better-written than ever. Unfortunately Transformers One, which depicts Elita-1 as an arms-crossing career-obsessed buzzkill, whose arc sees her learn her place in deference to a less-competent man... well let's just say it struck me as a significant step back in this regard.

There's this great interview with Scarlett Johansson, voice of Elita-1, where she's trying to describe what makes her character interesting, and it's like she's drawing blood from a stone. She's like, "yeah, so Elita-1, I would say, she's on her own journey, because at the start of the film it's sort of like she's working at a big company, you know, and she wants to get a promotion, but then later on she learns that she can't, y'know, get a promotion". Look, it's not that Scarlett Johansson does a bad job—in fact, considering the material she's working with, she practically carries Elita-1 entirely on the back of her performance—it's just that I can't shake the impression that the filmmakers would rather pay Scarlett Johansson god knows how many thousands of dollars than try to think of a second actress that they know of.

As I've already complained, Transformers One has a pretty thin cast, but it effectively only has two other female characters who do anything. Airachnid is a secondary antagonist, Sentinel Prime's spymaster/enforcer, and it's clear that some concept artist really fucking popped off when designing her. She has eyes in the back of her head, and it's ten times creepier than that makes it sound. Her spiderlegs also create some visual interest during fight scenes. As a character, Airachnid has zero internality and is not interesting, but she is cool, so you'll get no complaints from me there.

The film's other other female character is Chromia, who wins the Iacon 5000 race at the last moment. She really comes out of nowhere to clinch it. It's funny, because the leaderboards show this one guy, Mirage, hovering near the top of the rankings for almost the whole sequence. And Chromia's character model really looks suspiciously like Mirage's. In fact, there's a different character who stands around in the background a couple of times who looks much more like Chromia. Funnily enough, that background character is even called Chromia in concept art! So if you connect the dots, it really seems that the "Chromia" who is the best racer on Cybertron was originally meant to be Mirage, a guy, until they switched the character's gender at the very last minute, and didn't bother changing the leaderboards to match.

There are two possible explanations for this. The first is that Mirage was the dark horse of Rise of the Beasts, and for some reason they felt like his depiction in Transformers One would've gotten in the way of their plans for the character somehow. It's plausible, I guess. The second, infinitely funnier option, is that at some point someone working on the movie realised that they only put two women in the film, scrambled to look through the feature to find a suitable character to gender-swap, only to discover to their horror that they'd forgotten to put in any characters whatsoever. Fuck it, the racer guy! He can be a girl. Diversity win, the fastest class traitor on Cybertron... is a woman!

In case you were wondering about the Transformers One toyline leaderboards, by my count, Orion Pax has ten new transforming toys currently announced or in stores, Bumblebee and Megatron have six each, Sentinel Prime has four, Alpha Trion has two, Elita-1 has two, Airachnid has one, Starscream has one, Wheeljack has one, and the Quintesson High Commander has one. In fact, one of Elita-1's toys—the collector-oriented high-quality Studio Series release—isn't scheduled for release until some undetermined point later next year, and she was entirely absent from leaked lists of upcoming releases, which to me smacks of "we realised last-minute that it would look really really bad if we didn't bother to release a good toy of the one woman in the film". Oh, and obviously, Chromia has no toys—but there is an "Iacon Race" three-pack consisting of Megatron, Orion Pax... and Mirage. Go figure.

The thing is, all of the stuff I'm grousing about here is pretty much standard fare for kids' films targeted more at boys. Hell, even The Lego Movie—which is basically the gold standard of toy commercials—gave supporting protagonist Wyldstyle a pretty similar arc to the one Elita-1 gets here, which was probably the weakest element of that film. Evidently conscious of this, Lord & Miller redeemed themselves by devoting the entirety of The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part to deconstructing common narratives surrounding gender roles. I guess I just wish the young girls who presumably comprise some portion of Transformers One theatergoers could actually get anything out of Elita-1 as a character. Ah, what do I know, maybe it's still considered countercultural simply to depict a woman punching people.

Still, to give credit where it's due: Transformers One doesn't remotely touch the gender-essentialism prevalent in the Binder of Revelation, treating female Transformers no differently to their male counterparts in lore terms. Solus Prime is, it seems, just a Prime who happened to be a woman, rather than the mythological Eve after whom all women are patterned. There's a scene where our heroes are gifted the Transformation Cogs of the fallen Primes, and the Primes named thankfully bear no particular relation to the characters; in other words, Elita-1 isn't given Solus Prime's cog. As Alpha Trion puts it: "What defines a Transformer is not the cog in his chest, but the spark that resides in their core." Dude really remembered nonbinary people exist halfway through that sentence huh.

(Actually, the bigger mistake would've been with Megatron: if he was given Megatronus Prime's cog from the start, then this would've created the unfortunate implication that his descent into evil was only the result of Megatronus Prime's fucked up and evil cog, rather than a choice Megatron made of his own free will. The film instead has it the other way around: Megatron's radicalisation into a "might makes right" philosophy is what causes him to covet Megatronus Prime's transformation cog, to steal that power from Sentinel Prime, who stole the cogs of both Megatronus and Megatron in the first place. That's cool! This does create a bit of unfortunate narrative dissonance with Alpha Trion's words, alas, as it does seem like Megatronus Prime's cog really is more powerful than the others, because it gives both Sentinel Prime and Megatron a powerup.)

There's just something that I find so dreadfully mercenary about this movie's cast—honestly, everyone except Orion Pax, Megatron, and maybe Sentinel Prime. Take Darkwing, for example. Bro was clearly designed from the ground up to fill this stock character role of "bully who pushes our guys around and later gets his comeuppance". For a more interesting take on that exact same archetype, look no further than Todd Sureblade from Nimona, a bigoted knight who gets a whole damn character arc in the background, which directly complements that film's main themes.

Again, I'm not playing some kind of guessing game here, the authorial evidence is right there: Darkwing didn't even have a name until Hasbro designer Mark Maher was shown a picture of the character and asked, "If this was a Decepticon flyer, who would it be?" This is actually par for the course with ILM; most of their concept art is labelled with very basic descriptions, with the exact trademarks being picked in conjunction with Hasbro at a later point. Darkwing just stands out in Transformers One because he's the only recurring speaking character who's an OC in all but name (unless you count Bumblebee), he's the one guy who's been invented from scratch with total creative freedom, and he's boring as sin. It's like the filmmakers just couldn't conceive of a children's movie without that stock character—and they clearly had no idea what to do with him once they'd invented him, because he disappears entirely from the film at the start of the third act, when Orion Pax throws him into an arcade cabinet, which they have in the mines on Cybertron for some reason.

In a film with as painfully few named speaking characters as Transformers One, there's really no excuse for having this kind of one-dimensionality in their portrayals. Genuinely, I ask—who are Orion Pax and Megatron fighting to liberate? Jazz, one of the biggest personalities from the original G1 cartoon, who gets all of two boilerplate lines here? Cooley seems to think so:

As you’re designing them the background characters are almost like Lego pieces where you put different heads on different bodies just to fill in a crowd. But some of them would be brought forward and be painted specific colors so that it represents a character that I didn’t know was such a big deal. But there was stuff—like Jazz, for example, has a pretty big role. It was important to have a relationship with a character that we know gets to be saved.

To me, the idea that casual cinemagoers would be invested in any of the Transformers as characters is laughable. Michael Bay's characters are famous for being hateful non-entities. In terms of the films, Jazz is best remembered for dying at the end of the first one, seventeen years ago; he looks completely different here. The one breakout character in recent years—Mirage, as played by Pete Davidson in Rise of the Beasts—was, as I've already mentioned, written out so that the movie could reach its girl quota... not that he would've had any lines anyway.

And I just don't buy the idea that the complete dearth of compelling characterisation in this film is just an unfortunate side-effect of its clipped one-hour-thirty runtime—that, given even half an hour longer, the film would suddenly be crowded with rich portrayals of all your Transformers faves. Bumblebee and Elita-1, ostensibly two of the most important characters in the film, are not in this movie because the movie is interested in telling their stories. They are in this movie for the sake of being in this movie. It insists upon itself.

IV. No politics means no politics

In fact, putting aside merchandising considerations, Elita-1 and Bumblebee serve one very specific purpose in narrative terms. The trait Optimus Prime and Megatron have always had in common is that they are both leaders—and what is a leader, without anyone to lead? Without Bumblebee and Elita-1, you'd have this farcical situation where the only person Optimus Prime ever gets to boss around is Megatron, until the very end of the movie when God makes him king of all Cybertron. The High Guard, Starscream's gang of exiles, serve a similar narrative purpose for Megatron; they're a ready-made army who've just been sitting around waiting for him to show up and take charge.

Towards the end, the movie does actually take care to show both Orion Pax and Megatron rallying groups of Cybertronians: in Pax's case, he reveals the truth to his legion of interchangable miner friends, while Megatron riles up the High Guard mob. Again, there's a bit of that narrative sleight-of-hand, a bit of a thematic cop-out, where the question of "how do Optimus Prime and Megatron come to be leaders of their factions?" is answered only in the most literal possible interpretation. Yes, we technically see the exact chain of events that lead to this point—but both characters are portrayed as born leaders. We don't see them grow into the role, except physically. The moment Megatron decides he wants to rule, he's able to take charge. Likewise, Optimus Prime just gets divinely appointed by God. At a key point, Megatron loudly declares "I will never trust a so-called leader ever again", and the movie plays a fucking scare chord like this is supposed to be ominous. Like, oh no! Optimus Prime is a leader! And they're friends! Whatever will Megatron do when he finds out his friend, Optimus Prime, is a leader?

I don't think the movie has given any real thought to what a leader actually is. It seems to take a stance that power cannot be taken, i.e. through violent action, as Sentinel Prime and Megatron do. That one scene with Elita-1 suggests the most important trait for a leader to have, above and beyond any particular competency, is simply hope and optimism. What I just can't wrap my head around is the fact that the counterpoint the movie presents to Megatron, in the form of Orion Pax becoming Optimus Prime, does not support a belief in collective action or basic democracy—rather, it's a boring sword-in-the-stone divine-right-of-kings fantasy.

Except I do have a theory for why the film is like this. Let's look again at that interview with Eric Pearson, who came onboard in the "late middle" of production:

One of the first things that I did was a big pass on Sentinel Prime. I just felt like he was too obviously telegraphing his wickedness in previous versions, and I felt like, “No, he’s a carnival barker.” He’s got to be a big salesman. He’s a bullshitter, honestly is what he is.

(Honestly, if this is Sentinel after a "big pass" to make his villainy more of a twist, I shudder to think what the earlier drafts were like.)

Now, let's see how WIRED introduces their interview with Josh Cooley, titled "Transformers One Isn't as Silly as It Looks":

He liked the script, which traces how Optimus Prime (Chris Hemsworth) and Megatron (Brian Tyree Henry) went from friends to enemies. But as the world went into lockdown as Covid-19 spread, Cooley found his story changing, if only slightly. Trump was still in office when Cooley started working on the film, and he was having meetings with the producers and they’d “start these meetings off on Zoom just going, like, ‘Holy crap what is going on in this world?’” he says. Ultimately, the infighting they were seeing between Democrats and Republicans in the same family became an undercurrent in the film’s friends-to-enemies storyline, “because that’s what Transformers is.”

So it's like, oh, this is a 2016 election thing. This is just that one election that broke everyone's brains. Of course this movie about a made-up political struggle on an alien planet being developed from 2015-2020 wouldn't be like, hey, you know what might fix our society's problems, is if we had an election. Of course the main villain is a "big salesman" "bullshitter" who says things like "The truth is what I make it!". Wow, guys, your film is so-o-o politically-conscious, and very pretty.

The fantasy is more or less that Donald Trump's army of reactionaries is marching on Washington to seize power through violent means, and on the way he drops Joe Biden into the Grand Canyon, but just before Joe hits the ground a giant fucking bald eagle swoops in to catch him and squawks, "God finds you worthy! Arise, President Biden!"

In our escapist little morality play, our best friend slash allegorical dad gets made king of the planet, and we all get jobs in the government. As in, one of the funniest lines in the movie is straightup Bumblebee exulting, "This is the greatest day of my life. I get to work for the government!" When Prime met Bumblebee—an hour ago—the dude was talking to imaginary friends, and honestly the only fucking skill he's demonstrated since then is cold-blooded murder. We have this dissonance in the storytelling, where it's mostly a story about four friends going on an adventure (are they even friends? Most of them hate each other!), but it's also a founding-fathers political origin story, which means there comes a point where our hero just suddenly starts bossing his friends around in a deep voice, and they're like, "Yes, sir!" It creates this unhinged situation where the "good" faction on Cybertron is ruled by the biblical chosen one and his nepotism buddies.

Per that quote from WIRED (or are they just putting words in Cooley's mouth? I can't help but notice they don't give an exact quote!), the film is ultimately sympathetic to the bad guys (the Republicans, I guess). It deliberately suggests that there is really nothing that should divide the Autobots and the Decepticons: their political goals, it claims, are identical, and they only disagree on the means by which to achieve them. The Decepticons, who are angry and hateful, have simply been misled by a power-hungry liar with charisma—first Sentinel, then Megatron—and so the tragedy is that they are artificially pushed into conflict with their fellow men, when really they should be uniting to stand against their common enemy, the foreigner illuminati trying to steal Cybertron's wealth.

Now, I know I've just handed you a get-out-of-jail-free card. My political allegory here is chock full of holes. What, are Sentinel Prime and Megatron both Donald Trump? Get a grip. Obviously any real-world commentary in Transformers One was only intended in the loosest sense imaginable: things like, "people should be free to change into whatever they want!" I'm being unfair, I'm reading too much into it, this is a cartoon movie for children, and if I want politics, I should start reading some fucking books. Also, come to mention it, my whole argument about that cave earlier really didn't hold water, and- I know, alright? I know.

V. Place / Place, Cybertron

I'm not mad at this toy commercial because its politics don't quite align with mine. I'm not mad at it for having a boring-ass supporting cast. I'm not mad at it for reheating a bunch of half-baked lore I didn't care for from the early 2010s. I've actually spent a lot of time mad about Transformers media that I've thought was bad. There's Transformers: Armada, where the English translators are fully asleep at the wheel and render even the most basic cartoon plots incomprehensible though constant mistranslations. There's Transformers: Micromasters, where two white guys wrote a downtrodden race of tiny Cybertronians who greet each other like "Wattup, my micro!". There's the recent series of Transformers: EarthSpark, where there's an episode that I can only describe as "the Wonka Experience but it's an episode of a children's cartoon", with a plotline that mostly revolves around our child heroes straightup robbing a Onceler-looking businessman of his most valuable possession. There's Transformers: Age of Extinction, with that one scene, and also the rest of that movie. In fact, I would go so far as to say that most Transformers fiction is some combination of bad, offensive, and offensively bad.

So even though I've just spent thousands of words whinging and moaning about how I didn't like Transformers One, the truth is that I had a perfectly nice time at the cinema. I got to go see it with five of my pals who love Transformers just as much as I do, and we had a blast. It is easily in the top 50% of all Transformers fiction.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I guess I've always given a lot of thought to what Transformers looks like from the outside. Maybe it's that I'm compelled to spend so much time and money on it, that it somehow compels me to vomit up these kinds of essays, and all I want is to be able to make it make sense to anyone in my life. It would be so, so nice if I could just sit down in the cinema with a friend or family member for a couple of hours, and at the end of it, they'd be able to walk out and say, "Okay, I guess I see what you get out of it." Rise of the Beasts was kind of that movie for me, but Rise of the Beasts is also the seventh instalment in a blockbuster franchise. It kind of takes for granted everything about Transformers.

It doesn't answer, "what the fuck is a Transformer anyway?"

For many years now, fans have noticed a marked aversion to using the word "transform" as a verb, or even as a noun. Optimus Prime no longer says, "Autobots, transform and roll out!", he just says, "Roll out!". Transformers no longer transform, they "convert". In fact, Transformers are no longer Transformers at all: they are "Transformers bots", the italics here serving to distinguish a registered trademark. This is because the worms in suits at Hasbro are worried that, if they continue to use the word "transform" by its dictionary definition—that is, to change—then rival toy companies will be able to make the case that anything that transforms can legally be described as a Transformer. It will become a generic trademark, like Velcro, or Band-Aid, or Dumpster.

Yet in Transformers One, "Transformers" is not just the noun by which the characters are referred to—rather, it's used in a descriptive sense to specifically mean "Cybertronians who can transform"! Characters are constantly talking about whether they can or can't transform. Prime gets to say his catchphrase in full. It's a miracle. Not only that, characters even get to say the word "kill" instead of "defeat" or "destroy".

Transformers One has a level of unrestricted creative freedom not seen since the 1986 animated film. This is a film unconstrained by location shooting, or licensing deals, or uncooperative actors; through the magic of CGI, for every single frame of its one-hour-thirty runtime, the filmmakers can put literally whatever they want on the screen. They were given the assignment, "Make an animated prequel set on Cybertron telling the origin story of Optimus Prime and Megatron", handed an estimated $147 million and a blank page, and told to go nuts. Like those born with transformation cogs, Transformers One had the power to become anything it wanted to be.

The 1986 animated film took that carte blanche to do whatever the fuck it wanted, and basically singlehandedly defined the direction of the franchise ever since. On a lore level, in terms of tone, I would say that Transformers owes practically everything to The Transformers: The Movie. Cartoons, comics, films, and video games have adapted every single one of its scenes countless times over. I'm not necessarily saying that it's a good film, or even that it's a particularly original film—much of it is ripped off from Star Wars—just that it took the franchise somewhere it hadn't gone before. It was looking to the future. As in, literally, it was set in 2005, at the time two decades into the future.

What gets me down about Transformers One is that—like most major franchise media released since The Force Awakens—all it can do is think about the past. Swathes of it are devoted to painstakingly recreating or setting up the various bits of iconography which have arbitrarily come to define the franchise. Even when it appears to be taking things in a new direction, it's not long before it course-corrects back into familiar territory: Steve Buscemi invents a surprisingly fresh take on Starscream's voice, and then Megatron half-strangles him to death, saddling him with a post-produced rasp to emulate Chris Latta's iconic performance from forty years ago.

The very title of the film, Transformers One, is an allusion to the line, "Till all are one," which originates in The Transformers: The Movie. In an early script for that '80s feature, it was actually "Till all life sparks are one", referring to a literal metaphysical process in that draft whereby one Transformer's life force could be passed on to another, presumably with the belief that they would all eventually be merged into a single afterlife. In the finalized story, it's just this kind of mystical phrase vaguely evoking concepts of togetherness and unity.

Transformers One brushes up against the phrase a couple of times. Alpha Trion almost says it at one point, when passing on his dead siblings' transformation cogs: "They were one. You are one. All are one!" Whatever that means. Later, Orion Pax starts a chant amongst the miners: "Together as one!" And finally, at the very end of the movie, during his obligatory film-ending monologue, Optimus Prime again goes: "And now, we stand here together... as one." (Half of Cybertron has just been banished to the surface forever.) "[...] Here, all are truly... Autobots." (Again, half of Cybertron- Optimus, what the fuck are you talking about?) Regardless, this is inexplicably the one instance where the movie doesn't twist itself up into knots trying to nail the exact phrasing.

Actually, there is one other sideways reference like this I can think of. Early in the film, Orion Pax is chatting up Elita, and he remarks, "Feel like I have enough power in my to drill down and touch Primus himself." To which Elita replies, "You don't have the touch or the power." This is kind of a nonsensical retort unless you know that in the 1986 movie, one of the most iconic songs on the soundtrack was "The Touch" by Stan Bush, which had the chorus line: "You got the touch! You got the power!" It's a banger. Anyway, remember when I said Darkwing gets chucked through an arcade cabinet? Well, here's Cooley revealing why that arcade cabinet is in the film:

I actually wrote [that exchange between Orion Pax and Elita] because I love that song. [...] And we had this one version where D-16 and Orion were playing a video game, like a stand-up old arcade game—it was inspired to look like that, but a Cybertonian version of that. They’re playing that together like friends and the song, like the 8-bit song that’s playing is ["The Touch"]. But that scene got nixed. And so I wanted to work it in there somewhere. And I just felt like a natural place for it. But that was one where I’m like, "I just love that song and those lyrics and that’s Transformers to me so I want to get that in there."

(I've had to amend that quote to fill in the blanks where the article has redacted "spoilers" for the movie. Spoiler culture is an absolute pox, I swear. Can't have the audiences knowing about one (1) mid joke in advance—the movie barely has enough jokes to fill a "Transformers One Funny Moments" compilation as it is!)

This actually isn't the first time Hasbro has "nixed" a reference to "The Touch" in major Transformers media. In the Transformers: Cyberverse episode "The Alliance", a character references "The Touch" right before a training montage which is clearly supposed to have the track playing, except instead it's been replaced by a generic rock instrumental, presumably because they couldn't afford the license. And in Daniel Warren Johnson's Eisner-award-winning bestselling comic run, there's one panel where he clearly wanted to include the song's lyrics as a sound effect, but wasn't allowed, so the final sound effect famously reads "YOU KNOW THE SONG". But that's a random episode of a bargain-bin cartoon, and an indie-darling comic series—not a $147 million blockbuster. You really have to wonder if it came down to money, or if it was something else. God knows Transformers One would not actually be improved for having a chiptune remix of "The Touch" in it, anyway.

The most egregious misplaced bit of fanwank in the film isn't even in dialogue. In the 1986 film, there's this one iconic moment when Optimus Prime arrives at the besieged Autobot City, drives through a crowd of Decepticons in truck mode, then fires some afterburners, launching his cab up into the air, where he transforms mid-leap, drawing his blaster to shoot a couple of Decepticons before hitting the ground. It's a fantastic bit of original animation. It's the Akira slide of Transformers. And, surprise surprise, it crops up in Transformers One. In the climactic final fight, Orion Pax shows up to save Megatron, and he does the thing.

But the problem is... he's not in truck mode! The film just cuts to him standing there in the middle of some anonymous mooks, then he does a standing jump into the air, the movie momentarily goes into extreme slow-mo like he's doing a fucking quick-time event, then he shoots a couple of guys and drops to the ground. There's no momentum. It exists purely to create that simulacrum, to take the single most iconic frame from that bit of 1986 animation, and stretch that one frame into infinity. The context is discarded, irrelevant. All that matters is that brief moment of recognition: "I know what that iiis!" God knows Transformers One has precious little in the way of impactful fight animation of its own; the choreography is stiff and uninspired, while the shots themselves are nauseatingly cluttered. Often, the best it can do is pilfer from older, better stories.

"Did you clap at any of the new moments and memorable characters?" "Were there any?"

Look, I get it. Transformers One is a prequel. By definition, it can't change the future. It has to play with the characters that are already in the toybox. But I do think it had this really special opportunity: to show theatregoers where the Transformers come from. To show us Cybertron not as a distant star or a barren scrapyard, but as a living, thriving alien world, unlike Earth, something special and worth protecting in its own right. Something new and memorable. In Rise of the Beasts—probably the best Transformers movie by default—when Optimus Prime is at his lowest, he wants nothing more to return home... but home is something we've only ever seen as a cold dystopia, ruled by Decepticons. The version of Transformers One I had hoped to see was one that would have imbued Optimus' homesickness with greater meaning. I wanted to feel his loss, and to hope that one day the war will end, and Cybertron can be restored.

I think Transformers One sincerely tries to achieve this effect. The concept artists have clearly put a great deal of time and thought into Cybertron as an environment. When the artbook comes out, I'm keen to see how much stuff didn't make it into the finished film. You have to assume most of it got cut, because there's next to nothing left!

At the end of the film, battle lines are drawn, the civil war is about to start... but strangely, the movie's setting does not convey the sense that anything beautiful is being lost. Nobody is unwillingly turned to violence, innocence-lost; they're all too eager to get to killing, friggin' Bumblebee is gleeful about it. There's no beautiful, iconic landmark, which gets tragically destroyed, like in some kind of Transformers 9/11—"What have we done! Where will this war take us!". There's no part of Cybertron's natural ecological environment to be ruined by the war, because the surface world is already turbofucked by the Quintessons to begin with. No, rather, we have the total opposite: Optimus Prime finding the Matrix (which was just, like, hanging out in the core of Cybertron or whatever) actually restores Energon to the planet, removing the unnatural scarcity which was the entire impetus behind the film's dystopia. He made Cybertron great again. So again, Transformers One fails to answer one of the most fundamental questions one might expect of a Transformers prequel: "When did things on Cybertron get so bad?" The movie ends with the planet in better shape to how it started!

The big original idea that Transformers One has is that Cybertron, the planet itself, should be in a constant state of transformation. I've already talked about the beautiful shapeshifting landscapes, but it's also the moving buildings, the complicated mechanisms, the roads and rails that magically lay themselves between the vehicles and their destinations. I've already mentioned how odd I find it that none of these environmental transformations have any significance to the story; the closest it comes to some sort of payoff is when Orion Pax falls into the hole that makes you king.

What I find most perplexing are the deer. When the gang makes it to the surface, the idea is to show the natural beauty of the surface, which the cogless have been denied their whole lives. The mountains glisten as they move. Nebulae glow in the night sky. The surface is blanketed in organic (?) plantlife, like a watering can forgotten in a garden. And, most strikingly, there are deer: mechanical animals, just like those found on Earth, being hunted for sport by the evil Quintessons. When the cruisers near, their glowing horns turn red with alarm, and they prance around in fear.

I'm reminded of a brief gag from the third season of Transformers: Cyberverse—one of very few shows to have devoted any serious effort to Cybertronian worldbuilding—in the episode "Thunderhowl". Bumblebee and Chromia stumble across a "singlehorn" (read: unicorn), and when it senses danger, it neighs, transforms into a rocket, and blasts out of frame. And apart from being really cute and funny, it's like, oh, of course that's what animals are like on Cybertron! Everything on this planet transforms. Why not the animals?

For whatever reason, the deer in Transformers One are like the one thing that don't transform. Why the hell not? If Cyberverse could find the budget for its split-second sight gag, surely this blockbuster could, I don't know, have them turn into dirt bikes with antler-handlebars. That would've been something, right? If not, then at least could we maybe see some other animals on Cybertron, to really get across that alien biodiversity? Of course not. See, the deer exist to communicate one very specific story beat: a single moment of trepidation, where the heroes know there's danger nearby, but they don't know what. And all you need for that is a single kind of prey animal, with some kind of warning light to let you know, hey, there's danger! Once this purpose is fulfilled, the deer have no further significance to the story.

We need only look to BIONICLE 2: Legends of Metru Nui to see this exact same beat play out with a modicum of competence and creative flair. Also in the second act—in fact, at practically the exact same timestamp—our heroes, the Toa, have a run-in with the bad guys, and they're nearly captured... but then there's this sudden rumble of danger approaching, we don't know what. It turns out to be a herd of giant Kikanalo! They send the bad guys packing, except they nearly trample our heroes too! But then, Toa Nokama's mask begins to glow, and she discovers that her mask grants her the ability to talk to animals. They learn some vital information from the Kikanalo, and are able to ride the creatures for the next stage of their adventure. Finally, when they can go no further, the Kikanalo cave in the passage behind the heroes to ensure they won't be pursued. Holy shit, that's like, five different story beats with just that one type of creature!

It's not just that Transformers One struggles with that kind of basic narrative flow, where a single element serves multiple purposes. It's that often, it wastes precious time creating redundant setups to achieve the same effect twice.

For example, Megatronus Prime's face happens to look exactly like (what we know will be) the Decepticon insignia. At the beginning of the movie, Orion Pax mollifies Megatron by giving him a rare decal of Megatronus Prime's face. Traditionally, Megatron wears his insignia in the middle of his chest—but in this film, nearly every character has a big hole in the middle of their chest, where their missing transformation cog should go. So Megatron sticks the decal on his shoulder instead.

Later, he gets a cog, and the hole in his chest is filled. When Sentinel Prime captures Megatron, he notices the Megatronus sticker, and rips it off. Then, he re-applies it on Megatron's chest—purely so it's in the "right" place for the iconography. And then, he uses his gun to crudely brand Megatron with a tracing of Megatronus' face, inadvertently creating the Decepticon symbol. Finally, in a post-credits scene, Megatron has fashioned a proper Decepticon brand with which to brand himself and his followers. So in effect, there are four separate moments where Megatron gets the symbol! Orion sticking it on his shoulder, Sentinel moving it to his chest, Sentinel mutilating him, and finally Megatron branding himself. You can make an argument that the symbol starts out meaning one thing, but ends up meaning another thing, which has a kind of tragic significance—but I think you would struggle to distinguish subtle shades of meaning from all four of these brandings. Considering the movie only has an hour and a half to work with, I find this lack of narrative economy to be honestly embarrassing.

(My friend Jo also points out what a misstep it is to just have Megatronus Prime's face perfectly resemble the Decepticon symbol from the start. Had it been a looser, more stylised—that is to say, original—design, the moment where Sentinel Prime roughly carves it into Megatron's chest could be a shocking reveal, as the basic outlines are abstracted and simplified. Gasp, that's the origin of the Decepticon symbol! Instead, from the very moment that sticker first shows up, it's like... oh, well, there it is I guess.)

In a similar vein, both Optimus Prime and Megatron undergo two different transformations at different points in the movie: first, when Alpha Trion gives them transformation cogs, and second, when respectively they obtain the Matrix of Leadership/Megatronus' cog. The gun that sprouts from Megatron's arm in his intermediary form bears a much closer to resemblance to his iconic "fusion cannon" than the triple-barrelled cannon he ends up with in his final form. Again, in such a short film, can we really say whatever subtlety this brings to Megatron's arc is worth all this fanfare? Now, Redditors ask: "What is the EXACT moment D-16 became Megatron?"

In fact, probably the only point of criticism I've seen levied at Transformer One from within the Transformers fandom at large is that Megatron's arc is maybe a little "rushed". He starts out being best bros forever with Orion Pax, and by the end of the film, he's ready to drop the guy into a bottomless pit. The film takes a lot of time to justify his anger at Sentinel Prime, but the deterioration of his friendship with Orion goes much more unspoken, and is framed more as a point of irrationality: psychologically, Megatron comes to conflate his bossy friend with his oppressive ruler. I liked this, personally. I liked that it's as if a switch gets flipped in Megatron's head. But you do just kind of have to buy into it. The film itself does not put in the work to really sell you on the friendship souring, because again, it's too busy fucking around with two (2) magical girl transformation sequences for each of them.

Everything in the film is like this. They go into the cave and meet Alpha Trion, then leave the cave so they can watch a FMV cutscene with Sentinel Prime and the Quintessons, who've coincidentally arrived at that exact moment, basically just to rehash what they've just been told... and then they go back into the cave so Alpha Trion can resume his infodump, and then they end up clashing with Sentinel Prime's forces once that's done. At the beginning of the movie, they're at the very bottom in the mines, then they get banished to an even lower level, then they banish themselves all the way up to the surface, then they return to Iacon, and then Megatron gets banished to the surface again so he can be mesmerized by the beauty of the world and/or get gunched by Quintessons depending on what the film wanted me to take away from this. Compare to Minecraft but I survive in PARKOUR CIVILIZATION [FULL MOVIE], where the theme of class struggle is pretty efficiently depicted in the vertically-stratified setting.

I just find it so wasteful. Outside of the one scene where they're introduced, the Quintessons—ostensibly the true architects of Cybertron's oppressive status quo—may as well not exist. If not for Orion Pax addressing his closing remarks to the Quintessons, almost as an afterthought, I'd assume the film wants us to forget about them entirely, as it knows full well that its paltry runtime does not give it time for a second action-climax against the aliens. Even as sequel bait, it feels halfhearted at best; Josh Cooley is clearly already bored of Transformers, and seems unlikely to come back for another round unless the money is really really good (which *glances at the box office* it's not). So what the fuck are the Quintessons here for? Was the idea that Sentinel might just have pulled off his coup singlehandedly really so hard to stomach? Could the conspiracy not have been simplified to just involve Sentinel and his Transformer cronies? Hang on, are all the Transformers seen at the start of the film in on it, or just some of them? How's it decided who keeps their cogs and who doesn't?

VI. Into nothing

Why does this movie, where the main selling point is ostensibly that we're getting to see Transformers civilization for the first time, mostly focus on all these guys who can't fucking transform? Surely the entire thing that makes the setting fun is the Zootopia angle of, look, they're all different animals! Or the Elemental angle of, look, they're all different elements! Or the Emoji Movie angle of, look, they're all different emoji! Or the Cars angle of, look, they're all different cars! This is a Transformers film which features several significant sequences involving these cool trains, and there is absolutely zero indication that these trains are themselves Transformers. This is a Transformers film which extensively focuses on miners, and none of them transform into mining vehicles; they're holding, friggin', space jackhammers. Even the premise of "isn't it sad that these ones can't transform" is kind of undercut by the fact that all the miners get to wear fucking jetpacks, which is a frankly much cooler and more effective method of locomotion than driving.

I'm just sick of Transformers stories having zero interest in the basic premise of Transformers, which is to say, they transform into something. I also think this is the biggest dissonance between casual audiences, who think "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, that guy who turns into a truck", and Transformers fans, who think, "oh yeah, Optimus Prime, the messiah or something". Normal people love to know what the Transformers turn into. They ask, "Wait, is there a Transformer that turns into [insert silly vehicle here]?" Of course people are interested in that angle! Vehicles are such a huge part of our daily lives—honestly, for those of us living in cities, more so than animals, the classical elements, or emoji—but the closest Transformers One comes to engaging with this lens is that aforementioned Iacon 5000 race sequence. By and large, it presents a world which is made for standing up and walking around. And personally I do think that's an insane approach to take?

Is the excuse that cars can't emote? Nonsense. If you've ever seen a traffic jam, you'll know that cars can sure as hell emote. Pixar, where Josh Cooley cut his teeth, famously spent a lot of time working out how to put a facial expression on a car. No, the problem dates back to the very start of the franchise.

In the 1980s, two main people were responsible for writing the comic stories: American writer Bob Budiansky, and British writer Simon Furman. Budiansky approached the premise of the franchise from an external, human perspective, writing about culture clash, and taking delight in the Transformers' mechanical alien nature as "robots in disguise". Meanwhile, Furman wrote the Transformers as giant people: he focused on their own internal conflicts and motivations, and the grand history of their war. Pretty much every Transformers story ever told can be boiled down to one of these schools of thought: Budianskian, or Furmanist.

Budiansky quit the comic after fifty issues, allowing Furman to take the reigns as sole writer, and Furman basically got the final word on what the Transformers are. They did not evolve from naturally-occurring gears, levers and pulleys. They were not designed by a supercomputer, or built by an alien race. They are the chosen sons of God. The Thirteen are, of course, an invention of Furman's. And Transformers One is perhaps the most Furmanist story ever told. It's the culmination of years and years of lore building up, ossifying into something you can no longer describe as the history of a universe—no, this is a mythology. It's the most perfect form of brand alignment imaginable: this is not an origin story, this is the origin story. It's been the origin story for a better part of the decade—and now that everyone's seen it in theatres, it will be the origin story forever.

It's not just the fiction, either, by the way. These days, if you go into the store to buy a Transformers toy, chances are it'll turn into some misshapen made-up futuristic concept car with unpainted windows and wheels that don't even roll—and that's terrible.

There's truly a lot to hate about Michael Bay's Transformers films, but with each new entry that's released following his departure from the franchise, I feel like I only find myself appreciating them more. In the 2007 Transformers movie, we see the Transformers crash-landing on Earth in their "protoforms", and their movements are animated like they're shy, like they're naked until they scan an Earth vehicle and adopt a disguise. The visual impact of Megatron, meanwhile, is that he doesn't adopt a disguise in that movie: he's a horrible metal skeleton that turns into a jet made of knives. It's weird and alien and it rules.

In the 1980s Transformers cartoon, and in the last-minute Cybertron-set prologue added to Bumblebee, and now in Transformers One, the Transformers look basically the same on Cybertron as they eventually do upon their arrival to Earth. Optimus Prime turns, unmistakably, into a truck. He has windows on his chest, and smokestacks on his arms. He doesn't have these features because he disguises himself as an Earth truck. He has those details because that's just what Optimus Prime looks like. They're his "essential brand elements", or "trademark details", which "identify the must-have elements in character design to be carried across all creative expressions". Prime may take any form he wishes, so long as it looks exactly like himself. A mask of my own face—I'd wear that.

What I find fucked up about the reception towards Transformers One is that a lot of people seemed very invested in its success—and not its popular success, certainly not its artistic success, but rather its commercial success. They wanted this to be the first film to make one bumblebillion dollars. They wanted Hasbro to line its fucking pockets and make movies like this forever. So if you express any kind of negativity towards this film online, which might theoretically affect some other person's decision of whether or not to go and see it, which might theoretically affect the profit it makes at the cinema, which might theoretically affect the future of the franchise in some unknown way, then you're some sort of fandom traitor who oughta be executed.

If you're so worried about the future of the franchise, the fandom really isn't where you should be looking. Like, c'mon, the Transformers fandom has been good as gold, we buy so many toys. Meanwhile, Hasbro just got finished laying off around 100 employees with no warning to make their books look a bit better. Transformers designer John Warden—who'd worked at Hasbro for 25 years, is widely credited with inventing the modern paradigm of Transformers toylines, and ultimately became the creative director of both Transformers and G.I. Joe—was on assignment to a convention in the UK with the rest of the Transformers team when he heard the news. Suffice to say, he did not end up making a public appearance at the convention. With his work's health insurance snatched away without notice, he's had to resort to crowdfunding to pay his family's medical bills. As a well-known figure in the toy industry, he will presumably find a new job and land on his feet, but the same cannot be said for all 99 of the remaining employees we're told have been unceremoniously dumped.

The Binder of Revelation, which has been something of a holy grail of behind-the-scenes material for over a decade, has finally been leaked—presumably by one of these guys, presumably out of spite.

Now, I'm not going to pretend to have been paying particularly close attention to Hasbro's financials, but from where I'm sitting, it sure seems that ever since the sudden death of then-CEO Brian Goldner in 2021—credited for saving the company in 2000, and overseeing the explosive growth of its intellectual property ever since then—his replacement, Chris P. Cocks (or "Crispy Cocks", as we're all now calling him), has been dead set on gutting the company for all it's worth. The Power Rangers franchise, which the company acquired for $522 million in 2018, is dead in the water, with huge quantities of physical assets being flogged at auction for quick cash. In 2019, they acquired the entertainment company eOne for $4.0 billion, and now they're selling off the whole shebang (except the cash-printing Peppa Pig franchise) for just $500 million. I guess maybe they just fucked it big style?

Because now, Crispy Cocks has proudly announced that Hasbro is going to stop financing movies altogether.

I'm sure that in the wake of this announcement, many of those aforementioned fandom pundits will be drawing a correlation between this announcement, and the box-office figures for Transformers One, and the fact that you personally failed to convince your Mom to go see it with you or whatever. "Ah, you see! They didn't make enough of their money back, and now they're consolidating. Simple economic cause and effect. Market forces." And look, I'm not going to sit here and claim these things are wholly unrelated. Of course they're very related. But I am going to make the case that, in truth, nobody at Hasbro really cared how Transformers One did. Unless it turned out to be some pie-in-the-sky runaway hit, I don't think the future of the Transformers film franchise would've been particularly different if only the film had done better.

With Paramount, Hasbro has been making these movies and having them underperform ever since 2017's The Last Knight—which apparently lost Paramount $100 million—and that's because at the end of the day, what they're most interested in isn't making movies. It's making toy commercials. And on that level, the Transformers films have clearly been a success so far.

Now, Crispy Cocks' skinsuit fashions itself as a gamer, so he can personify Hasbro's hardcore pivot towards digital and tabletop gaming. While we await the release of the assuredly-dogshit, assuredly-hell-to-have-worked-on, assuredly-never-coming-out Transformers: Reactivate, the brand has been whored out to a procession of mobile games you've never heard of, glorified gambling machines designed to hack the monkey part of your brain with bright colors and Things You Recognize. The exact content of these games is irrelevant; all that matters is the announcement, on every single pop culture news outlet simultaneously (naturally—they're all owned by the same company, talk about Monopoly), of New Collaboration Between Transformers And Goon Warriors Free To Download Now. Your daily, weekly, bi-annual reminder to think about that thing you can buy.

That's all any of this stuff is.

All these words spilled about what a good movie Transformers One is, and how bad it is, and why the marketing failed it, and what the next one might be like, and- none of it mattered! It does not matter. From the beginning, this movie was always going to be too preoccupied with its own mercenary interests to be something anyone would ever be able to seriously talk about as a work of art, even corporate art. The actual content of the movie is irrelevant; I've spent very little of this review talking about it, because there's nothing there to talk about. It is the mere fact of the movie's existence that serves its purpose. Like the Optimus Prime Fortnite skin, it's enough for it to occupy our attention.

Maybe that's why they staggered the film's release date: because some marketing exec watched the rough cut and realised, if everyone saw it at once, we'd be done talking about it within a fortnight. And in ten years' time, after it has been paraded around whichever streaming services survive 'til then, and nearly every last cent of revenue has been squeezed out of it, the kids will be able to watch it on YouTube with ad breaks, and decide what they want for Christmas.

To the Transformers fans reading this, I am begging you, unless you happen to own shares in Hasbro for some fucking reason, to disabuse yourself of the feeling that you owe any kind of loyalty to a toy franchise. It shouldn't matter to you one jot how Transformers One did in theatres. The people who actually make the product you care about, the friendly faces paraded before you on livestreams and press tours, don't see this money anyway—they too are merely assets, who can be fired and replaced with cheaper, inferior equivalents.

I'm sure many of you will have, from the very start, seen this review for the foolish endeavour it is. I've wasted all this time criticising Transformers One for its lack of artistic vision, when the truth is, Transformers One is playing an entirely different game. Like the Disney Channel running "Fishy Facts!" segments to subliminally get kids interested in fish a full year and a half before the release of Finding Nemo, this is not a product—it's an ad for a product.

...

Okay I'll be honest, I don't entirely love where this review has ended up. It ends on kind of a "bummer note", I guess you could say. Flashing back to sections I. and II., I feel like things started out so fun. We had that whole bit at the start where I was telling you about the Transformers, remember that? We learned so much together. And there were even a few moments where I was able to express some kind of sincere joy and appreciation over this thing that I supposedly adore so much. Sure, I did a lot of complaining, but it was fun complaining, right? It had like, a sarcastic edge to it, sort of.

What happened? Why am I suddenly talking like I want to cut someone's head off? As I grow more bitter, I type this essay with increasing difficulty. The massive gun that's sprouted from my forearm keeps colliding with my monitor.

Hasbro descends from on high to reward @TFHypeGuy, a grown-ass adult who has spent untold unpaid hours fearlessly replying to every single viral tweet to tell people to go see the film, somehow netting himself 80,000 followers in the process, with a crate of toys, which was probably his end goal from the start. He and I duel. We trade blow after blow. Finally, he clobbers me with a Walmart-exclusive light-up Ultimate Energon Optimus Prime figure. "It didn't have to end this way," he says. Then he banishes me to the surface world to think on my sins.

VII. The Wrong Trousers 👖 | Train Chase Scene 🚂 | Wallace & Gromit

When Eric Pearson came onto the project,

It was late middle of the game. They had a script that had the outline of the story, which is still very much the structural bones of the story now. But what I found interesting about animation is there are certain things that were far along in the process. The train escape to the surface was very far along, so that was just kind of locked. Maybe you could change a line here or there. Meanwhile, the opening, the whole first 10 minutes, was all storyboards and sketches, which changed a bunch of times.

And I do think that's a really difficult position for a scriptwriter to be in. Sure, the parts of the screenplay I feel able to attribute to Pearson, I wasn't particularly impressed by. But I think this anecdote goes to show how unnatural the constraints can be on a story like this. When you think of like, a scene that's key to Transformers One, you're probably imagining something like the Megatron/Optimus fight, or the scene in the mine—not the train scene, which is basically a bit of arbitrary connective tissue bridging the two main locations in the film.

Josh Cooley, the film's director, the face of the film on the press circuit from a creative standpoint, came onboard after five years of previous development work was already done. Writers Andrew Barrer and Gabriel Ferrari, who originally pitched the film and presumably wrote the early drafts of the story, might have already left the project by that point. Aaron Archer and Rik Alvarez, the creative forces behind the Binder of Revelation, left Hasbro years before the film was even pitched. It's no wonder to me that the final result feels incoherent, disjointed, and oddly stilted. It's certainly no wonder that nobody at Hasbro today really seems to care about the film; it's not their baby. If any of the people credited with bringing the project to completion had been given full creative freedom to make whatever Transformers movie they wanted, it would've looked completely different.

Luckily, there are still plenty of areas of the franchise where creators have just been allowed to go ham. Over in Japan, TRIGGER has taken a modest budget for a music-video and produced one of the most visually-striking bits of animation in the franchise, a true love-letter to all the weird parts of its forty-year history. And in America, comic creator Daniel Warren Johnson is halfway through his Eisner-winning new run on the title, which is the kind of thing I would basically recommend to anyone without caveats as being a phenomenal story, period. If that comic can be said to be an advert for anything, it's for Skybound's other, nowhere-near-as-good comic series, or for the unofficial unlicensed copyright-infringing Magic Square Optimus Prime toy Daniel Warren Johnson apparently used as reference the whole time.

I dunno, maybe Hasbro stepping back from financing these films is a good thing, in the long run. Maybe we can do without Transformers movies for a while. And however many years down the line, maybe Paramount or some other studio will put together a new team of talent, and they'll get to do whatever it is they want. And maybe the movie they make will be the one that knocks everyone's socks off.

Truly, I don't know where the road leads from here. It hasn't been built yet. It could turn out to go anywhere.

If you made it this far, I hope some of what I've said has been entertaining or interesting. Thanks for reading!

Time to for me to come clean. There is one other reason why I've waited so long to release this review... and that's because I have a special announcement to make. Last month I set myself a little challenge: to write something that's at least as long as this review, but which isn't another negative-nancy tirade. It's a story.

The working title is "Ice Road Transformers". It's like an episode of that one reality TV show about Canadians driving trucks across frozen lakes—except the truck is Optimus Prime.

Early reviews say it's good! It'll be going through several rounds of revisions, to turn it into a well-oiled machine, hopefully in time for a seasonally-appropriate wide release in February. I'm very excited for you to be able to read it. You can follow me here or on Bluesky to be the first to find out when it's ready!

I'd like to thank my friends Jo and Umar for their work interviewing Cooley and di Bonaventura during the film's press circuit, along with Viv, Callum, and Omar for allowing me to enjoy this film much more than I otherwise might have. I wouldn't have been able to express many of my feelings about this movie nearly so cogently if not for the conversations I had with them. Additional thanks go to Chris McFeely, as his Transformers: The Basics videos (linked throughout this essay) refreshed my memory on a lot of the Aligned stuff, sparing me from having to read The Covenant of Primus again.

#transformers #transformers one #movie review #essay

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plotbunnysyndrome · 3 months ago

Text

More Than Honour

Chapter 20: Checkmate at Check-In

Anthony Bridgerton x fem!reader

Introduction: It is a truth universally ignored by those who ought to know better that assembling the entire Bridgerton family, their friends, suitors, and rivals under one roof is a recipe for catastrophe. And yet—here they are. Arriving. Smiling. Plotting. What could possibly go wrong?

There was a distinct sound to arriving at Aubrey Hall.

The crunch of carriage wheels against gravel, the soft whinny of horses in the stable yard, the fluttering bustle of maids rushing to windows, and—above all—the low murmur of something about to happen.

It wasn’t just the estate itself, although Aubrey Hall was nothing short of breathtaking. With its ivy-draped stone, tall windows glinting with morning light, and perfectly trimmed hedges, it looked less like a home and more like a memory waiting to be made.

No, it wasn’t just the house.

It was the gathering.

And as the final carriage doors closed and trunks were whisked inside, the great hall of the Bridgerton estate became a theater once more.

“Welcome to Aubrey Hall,” Violet Bridgerton declared with a smile that could freeze a battlefield.

She stood at the top of the staircase like a general surveying her troops, elegant and composed, clipboard in hand (metaphorically, of course—but one could feel it). Her guests clustered below, fanning themselves, glancing at one another with carefully arranged expressions that suggested both civility and the possibility of murder.

The entire ensemble had arrived.

You stood at the center of it all, elbow linked with Eloise’s as she muttered under her breath: “This is how the French Revolution started.”

Room Assignments: The Ceremony of Mild Judgement

Violet cleared her throat.

“Rooms have been prepared according to preference, history, and—as always—my judgment.”

Gasps? No. But there was the collective inhale of tonic water about to be spilled.

“Daphne and Simon,” Violet began, turning toward the Duke and Duchess of Hastings, “you shall of course have your usual rooms in the east wing, near the nursery.”

Daphne gave a gracious nod, Augie bouncing slightly in her arms.

“Lady Danbury, Lady Mary, and the Misses Sharma—”

A pause. A soft beat of tension as Anthony’s gaze flicked toward the trio.

“You shall be in the west guest corridor. Newton may roam the gardens freely, provided he does not chase the peacocks again.”

Newton barked once, as if in agreement.

Kate opened her mouth to protest—about the peacocks or the company, it was unclear—but Lady Danbury placed a hand on her arm. “We are here for sport,” she said, eyes gleaming. “Let the games begin.”

“My sons—” Violet said with precise formality, “—have their usual quarters. Try not to ruin them.”

Gregory whispered to Colin: “Does that include emotionally?”

Colin: “No, I think that’s encouraged.”

“Eloise and Hyacinth—”

“Together,” Eloise said quickly.

“I need someone to keep me sane,” Hyacinth added brightly.

“Y/N—”

Heads turned.

You straightened slightly. Violet’s tone was unreadable.

“You will remain in your usual chamber, adjacent to Eloise. If you require privacy, do let the staff know.”

Hyacinth whispered, “That’s the room closest to the garden, isn’t it? With the balcony?”

Eloise grinned. “Very poetic.”

You nodded politely. “Very convenient.”

And then—

“Lord Blackbourne.”

The room stilled just enough to notice.

Lucien tilted his head, eyes glittering as he slowly stepped forward from the edge of the crowd.

“Yes, Lady Bridgerton?”

Violet gave him a smile that walked the line between warning and welcome.

“We’ve placed you in the north wing. Top of the stairs, second door on the right. Close enough to the action, far enough to cause mystery. Should suit your temperament.”

Lucien grinned. “That sounds dangerously well-planned.”

“Oh, it is.”

Anthony said nothing. But his jaw twitched.

Benedict, to your right, murmured, “I do love when Mother starts arranging people like chess pieces.”

You: “Don’t you mean like explosives?”

Benedict: “That too.”

The gathering began to disperse, each guest peeling off toward their rooms, escorted by staff or trailing laughter.

Lucien caught your eye briefly as he passed. He didn’t wink. He didn’t smirk. He just looked. Directly.

You felt it. Like a secret.

And just behind him, Anthony watched. Unmoving. A storm waiting for its cue.

Aubrey Hall Grounds – Afternoon Light, Day One

The sun filtered through the canopy of old trees, dappling the gravel path in golden fragments. Aubrey Hall had taken its first breath of chaos—carriages had arrived, trunks were being dragged into rooms, and the air already hummed with the unspoken promise of too many people under one roof.

And still, somehow, Lucien Blackbourne had found a sliver of quiet.

He stood at the edge of the lower gardens, sleeves rolled to his elbows, the afternoon breeze tugging lazily at the hem of his waistcoat. He wasn’t lost in thought. Lucien never truly got lost—he simply wandered, waiting for the world to catch up.

So when a shadow approached behind him, steady and measured, Lucien didn’t turn.

Not yet.

Then—

“Funny,” came a voice from behind him, smooth as aged whisky. “I expected someone taller.”

Lucien didn’t flinch.

He simply turned.

And found himself face to face with Simon Basset, the Duke of Hastings

Lucien's brow lifted, a slow smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “And I expected a Duke with a deeper voice.”

Simon chuckled, hands casually tucked into his coat pockets, posture too relaxed to be anything other than intentional. “My wife has told me all about you.”

Lucien tilted his head, the light glinting off his cufflinks. “Only good things, I hope.”

“Only the best,” Simon replied smoothly. “Something about you being a walking disaster with exceptional taste in waistcoats.”

Lucien placed a hand over his heart. “I do try.”

Simon stepped closer, gaze flickering toward the looming estate behind them. “I’ll admit—I respect the chaos. Anyone who can set Anthony Bridgerton on edge without drawing a sword deserves a moment of my time.”

Lucien’s smile widened just slightly, though his eyes remained sharp. “Ah. You’ve sparred with the Viscount yourself, then?”

Simon raised a brow. “He challenged me to a duel once. Said I compromised his sister’s honor.”

“Did you?”

“Repeatedly.”

Lucien laughed. “And he still speaks to you?”

“Eventually.”

The two men stood in companionable silence for a moment, the rustling of the trees above them the only sound between them.

Then Simon turned to him fully. “So tell me… what’s your plan here?”

Lucien didn’t answer immediately.

His gaze drifted toward the house.

Where you were.

Where he was.

“I didn’t come here to start a war,” Lucien said finally. “But I’m not above winning one.”

Simon considered that.

Then—quietly, “You’re already winning it. He just hasn’t realized it yet.”

Lucien exhaled slowly. “It wasn’t supposed to be a war at all.”

Simon’s voice dropped. “Neither was mine. But love has a way of turning quiet things into battlegrounds.”

A beat passed.

Lucien looked at him again, sharper now. “So what now, Hastings? Are you here to warn me off?”

Simon grinned, teeth flashing like a sabre. “On the contrary. I’m here to join you.”

Lucien blinked.

“You and me,” Simon continued, taking a step forward, “may be the only two men in this house who’ve ever properly wrecked the Viscount’s composure.”

“I consider it a specialty.”

Simon tilted his head. “Then let’s test your skills.”

Lucien’s smile turned dangerous. “You’re asking me to team up against your wife’s brother.”

“I’m asking you to give him a reason to unravel. Fully. Dramatically. Preferably while holding a croquet mallet.”

Lucien offered his hand, slow and deliberate. “You realize this makes us enemies of the state?”

Simon gripped it without hesitation. “I’m a Duke. I am the state.”

They both laughed.

And as their handshake sealed a very specific kind of doom, the breeze shifted.

Somewhere inside the house, Anthony Bridgerton paused—feeling a chill run down his spine despite the summer sun.

He turned to Benedict. “Something’s wrong.”

Benedict didn’t even look up from his sketchbook. “Of course something’s wrong. Lucien’s on the property.”

Taglist: @bollzinurmouth @drewstarkeysrightarm @thorins-queen-of-erebor @yearninglustfully @khaleesibeach

#imagines #anthony bridgerton x reader #anthony bridgerton imagine #bridgerton imagine #anthony bridgerton #anthony bridgerton x you #anthony bridgerton fluff #bridgerton x reader #anthony bridgerton x y/n

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falbrightsplace · 4 months ago

Text

What of Riddles and Murder?

I think I’ve left my Tumblr dormant long enough, don’t you? So let’s get into some analysis! Delve deep and see what we can see! And what better subject than one Edward Nygma! The Riddler!

But not just any Eddie.

No.

No…

My favorite Riddler, the one who my own interpretation blends into the most (combined with a dash of Arkham and a fair bit of Pre-New 52 continuity rearranged)! Who, you ask! Who!!!

This smug bastard:

Zero Year Nygma is special for a lot of reasons. For one he’s a great amalgamation of what was old (the facial structure, nose, and being...well, ginger lend themselves to BTAS) and something delightfully new while touching on some beautiful, horrid symbolism (the Zorro mask is a prime example for the story he’s ‘debuting’ in). He’s also exceptionally violent in a way that simultaneously suits the Riddler in cavalier execution while being somewhat divergent in the sheer scale he inflicts said violence. That extends not just to the big event, but from his very introduction to the story.

The whole idea emerged due to talking with my roommate, a longtime friend who has been privy to every permutation and head canon I’ve carried for that gremlin over the years. In that moment I started to outline every single way he implies, instigates, or outright exacts some violence upon a person or the greater populace of Gotham City. Let’s walk through them, shall we?

From the outset of the story he was suggesting to Philip that the most efficient application of Occam's Razor is to Bruce’s throat. That it was the only option with the prodigal son setting a showdown with what had become a disgraced company in his absence. Even if the matter is tabled, rejected, and ultimately thrown back in his face it was one presented simply to prove that Eddie could read the board. A bone thrown on the pile as a means to validate himself and the clandestine power he held within that little cat’s cradle.

Not only does he push such an agenda with one of the more intense expressions of the arc (a stark contrast to his glib ennui at a baseline or the absolute mania of Savage City), he hints at that fact to Bruce himself after riling the young fledermaus up. Even if, contextually, he can’t understand it there’s a flex of “I know something you don’t know. Something you’d probably like to know. Something you need to know.” with deadly implications. All presented dull eyed and with a smirk after their game, a game he feels he’s thoroughly won on and off the board because those final words in the museum suggest that Mr. Wayne is in check and Edward will never have to see that particularly annoying piece ever again courtesy of the Red Hood Gang.

Then there’s the fact that he essentially pushed a very ill man to not only self experimentation, a deadly prospect in and of itself, but inspired what essentially became one of the most prolific (and horrific) strings of serial killings up to that point in the City’s history. All with silver tongued promises. All to cover for the theft of one Pamela Isley’s research in the panic between his own (comparatively) benign blackouts. And a guaranteed end to the murder weapon he had chosen, come hell or (literal) high water.

We’re already seeing a pattern within the violence of choice, yes? Before even arriving at the big ones it has the Riddler hallmark of being hands off. Yet there is something to be said of the frequency this young version of the villain chooses to employ it. Often while employing a sociopathic bit of emotional sleight of hand, putting on an impish face that can be perceived, at times, as downright goofy or even charming. That can truly mask how awful he is. Yet unlike some variants of the villain, he’s not pushed by a literal demon within the city’s heart or some deeply disturbing event which further cracked his psyche. He’s doing this from the outset and moving towards the trickster that people think of (we’re discounting King and some dismal attempts during the mid 2010’s to try and create a ‘dark’ Riddler renaissance in storytelling) rather than being pushed towards this outcome. Put a pin in that thought, it’ll come into the discussion as we move towards (petty, petty...petty) motivation in explaining how this creates a truly unique, petulant, bombastic and subtly terrifying version of this classic.

Back to the crimes for people who need a refresher!

After having effectively Karl Hellfern for everything his failing body and soul could take, he makes a show to Jim Gordon. We know the one. The string game. With a boulder. A more classic Riddler tact to be sure. Very in line with the death traps that cover an escape and yet the exception here is that there is no riddle. It’s simply physics: a promise of enough force to completely collapse a great part of that floor of a sturdily built office building. It’s a blunt statement wherein the only one playing is Edward himself. Which already suggests he’s stepping further and further into his persona while showing that vicious streak, now sparing that toxic green curtain he’d hide behind while putting on a performance that would put the Mighty Oz to shame. And there’s a glee to it. Literally holding something over someone’s head.

What can I say about the rupturing of the retaining walls? Of essentially setting up an impossible game on only the slimmest of chances. Eddie, your carnie background may have been struck from your resume but it definitely showed here. The results are catastrophic. If you’ve watched The Penguin, go take in the first scenes of Episode 3 again and imagine that while the city is under siege by a super storm of historic proportions. In a blackout. With no hope of anyone coming to save them. There are no pumps to steadily restore even vestigial use of not just certain sectors, but the city as a whole.The visuals are horrific in a way I do not think that the illustration team on this run could have depicted. Nor should anyone have to endure the sheer heartbreak of such grandiose tragedy presented in as visceral a manner as it could be. All played off to a man who comments only to himself, answers to only himself. With that same glibness he applies to all potential casualties. A dull look. A haphazard smirk that is absolutely at home for a Riddler, but given the circumstances? Might have been wiped off the faces of others if presented with such an option. Even for clout.

Savage City is simultaneously where Eddie truly goes from simply himself to elevating into The Riddler. His M.O. is established with the same odds as always: near nil. The difference is that rather than focusing the crime upon a target (either an object or a person as is often the case), he is indiscriminate and demanding that people play his game. In essence he is the Sphinx demanding souls step forward for sacrifice, languidly looking on and pondering what measures to employ. Lions. Truly. The man lives for circuses of his own making.

Then there’s the deployment of weaponized drones, a planned one given his understanding of the weapons tech at his disposal after essentially leaving the back door open to steal everything from under Kane’s nose. These are suppressive, deadly automatons. And while there is some whimsy, it is, perhaps, a much more brutal arm to employ to a darker end than say...Arkham Knight Riddler. They are there to snuff out the competition, to keep the game in perpetuity. If anyone works outside the parameters the promise is humiliation and death.

And let’s talk about that promise, shall we? He is not only a typical sore loser of a Riddler, he is violently so. Basically creating a MAD scenario in which the only way to not essentially ring out the death knell for Gotham was for the would be hero to have lethal current run through them. That wasn’t even a sure shot. Death surrounds Edward Nygma at this point. He is a Rube Goldberg machine of it. By design.

Basic summary, doesn’t quite do the horrors he inflicts justice. He honestly deserves his little cocoon at the end of the arc. Truly. And I say that with certainty. Because not only do we have his body of work for this stretch but we have blatant motivation. If BTAS Eddie grabbed a scalpel to take to Mockridge upon receiving his pink slip, what would you say ZY! Nygma grabbed? And more importantly, why? Because I can tell you that man did not load a several megaton bomb (comparatively) with razor edged bits of esoteric trivia due to being fired. No, the job was always something that could be tossed away. It was the fact that Philip suggested he wasn’t something extraordinary. It was the fact that in suggesting that Edward Nygma was no one at all, a mere cog that tied together greater machines (machines that could move on without him), little Eddie had an identity crisis. A terrible tantrum that turned all that focused calculation into a deathtrap for the world that his mind had could not fathom going on without acknowledging him. His work. His greatness. And in rampaging like a toddler, moving in the reverse trajectory of just about every other Riddler (who again, often are pushed) finds what actually brings him joy. The acclaim of Zero Year? Oh, boy, does he cling onto that like a washed up high school quarter back. Even going so far as to recreate aspects to spook people so they don’t forget. And yet it’s the game that keeps him going. The constant back and forth with the Bat. The joy of a diversion with stakes that demand complexity. And, perhaps, in this manic, destructive regression, the New 52 Riddler was born hanging in that special ward of Arkham in his defeat. Emerging more focused, perhaps a bit more cautious. Still mildly more violent than other iterations...but more historically himself.

And I find that fascinating.

#Riddler #The Riddler #Edward Nygma #Batman #zero year riddler #Zero Year #dc comics #dc riddler #DC Riddler #batman villains #gotham #gotham rogues #batman rogues #riddler analysis #character analysis #comics #comic books #New 52 #just my idle ramblings

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1moreff-creator · 5 months ago

Note

You've done this before so this is exclusively self indulgent but can you give your thoughts on DRDT foil theory again haha... I'm enamored by it and think about it daily.

I'll point out as well that there's been a trend regarding which characters are relevant to the chapter's case based on the order of the foils so far.

In chapter 1 it was [Xander, Min, Teruo & Charles] while in chapter 2 it was [Eden, Arei, Nico, Ace] - following this train of logic next chapter's main players would be [Hu, Veronika, Rose, J].

Hu's arc has just started (her beliefs are being challenged), Veronika became worst + Arturo is going to be centered at the start of chapter 3, Rose's arc just started + a money motive would be relevant to her & J's conflict with Arturo is going to be centered at the start of chapter 3.

Feel free to ignore this if you feel it's too repetitive, I just like it when I see people talking about my theory lol.

Well, if the creator of the recap foil theory asks me to talk about it, who am I to deny? It's probably, like, in my top three theories about DRDT, so I'm gonna enjoy talking about it! :D

(Btw I totally get you about enjoying when people talk about your theory. Whenever I see someone mention one of my posts I always go ":O that's me :D" it's great lol)

CW: Murder, electrocution, execution, suicide, self-harm, eating disorders, discrimination against a non-binary person, manipulation, poverty, harmful environments during childhood.

As a quick recap (heh): at the end of the CH1 recap video, the characters are paired up in a certain way. The theory states that they're paired up in a way that represents some of the most important foils in the cast. And... well, it seems to hold up quite well! I'll talk about them here in the order they show up in the recap video.

1) Xander & Min

And what a start! These two are basically eternal foils, with everything about their characters being contrasted with each other in some way or another. From the very first moment they're seen together, in Min's introduction, they immediately start beefing simply due to their respective talents.

The biggest point of contrast comes from their past with education. From Visiting Graves, we know Xander used to be a diligent student like Min, but he stopped when his family died while he was away studying. He's come to the conclusion that the things taught in school are oftentimes kind of useless for most people's lives, and his rejection of the education system kickstarted his rebellion against systemic issues in general.

Min, for her part, actually has a lot of the same views. Her Bonus Episode makes that pretty clear; she doesn't think things like Hope's Peak's history are really all that useful, and feels insecure because she doesn't see the same value in her talent as she does in others. However, Min still wants to maintain her talent, at least in title, seen as her first instinct when the killing game started was to grab an anatomy textbook and start studying it. Meanwhile, Xander dislikes his talent title greatly, as he believes calling him a "Rebel" undermines the stuff he does.

All of this is literally baked into their first interaction, as mentioned before. Xander seems to project heavily on Min upon first meeting her, assuming that she probably has no hobbies or friends if she's the Ultimate Student and judging her for it quickly. Min isn't particularly thrilled over that, given he knows nothing about her life.

Speaking of backstories, there's other points in those where they contrast. Particularly, the involvement of large companies and rich people in said backstories. Duke Spurling did a thing that killed Xander's entire family, which was the inciting incident for Xander officially leaving behind his studious nature. Meanwhile, XF-Ture Tech helped Min's family out of property, but pushed Min into studiousness for the Ultimate Student title; more or less the opposite of what Spurling did for Xander.

The same can be said of their relationship with Hope's Peak, which is elaborated on in the Bonus Episodes. Xander went to Hope's Peak for some kind of ulterior motive-

Unnamed Classmate [BE2]: I think your ability to get back from adversity is really admirable. That determination of yours is admirable. If you set out to do something, then never give up on that, no matter what obstacles may stand in your way. Even if it's risky or against the rules, as long as it's for a good cause... I'll trust that you know to do the right thing. Xander: Yeah, of course. That's why I've come to Hope's Peak, isn't it?

-which we can somewhat confidently assume to be bad for the school given Xander's... Everything. For Min's side, just getting to Hope's Peak was Min's entire goal for the entirety of her childhood, playing right into the hands of the Ultimate Contest for Eminent Students, and thus into the school's hands.

By the way, if you go back and look at what Absolutely-Not-Mai says to Xander, the idea of "bouncing back from adversity" could be connected to Min's whole "mistakes are to be corrected" thing. This one's an insane stretch, though.

For another point, though I don't know much about this particular topic, I find even their designs are opposites in some ways. Although arguably that's more a result of them being foils in general and DRDT having good character design but y'know.

Both of them seem to wear some kind of school uniform, but in totally different ways. Xander does everything he can to stylize his, be it wearing his coat as a cape, or getting a tongue piercing specifically because they weren't allowed and he could hide it, as stated in a Q&A, doing everything he can to fight against this institution. On the other hand, Min wears hers normally, and several Q&A answers clarify that she finds comfort in the colors and style of her uniform. One fights against institutions, the other works withing their systems (Min even wants to be a teacher which is an extension of that idea), you get the point.

Also this plays into the theme of fate because of course it does. Just replace "institutions" with "fate" and you kinda get the point. Xander fights against it, Min accepts it. Or, she accepts the fate of being the Ultimate Student, at least.

Their relationships with other characters, Teruko and David in particular, is another point of foiling. I've brought this up before, but as a recap: Xander betrayed Teruko so she openly hates him even though her real feelings are much more complicated than that, while Min tried to save her only to then panic and try to win the class trial, which causes Teruko to openly hate her even though her real feelings are much more complicated than that. But Teruko takes on Min's philosophy of fixing mistakes in the second trial, which is notable because in the same trial, David calls Min pathetic before his magical girl transformation, only to reveal that he's following Xander's ideals a while later. And while Teruko and David may not be recap foils, they sure are foils in general, so the foiling Xanvid and Terumin duos are formed. Cool!

As a minor point also connected to relationships, I could see the angle that Xander's friendship with David might parallel Min's thoughts on Mai. This one's iffier because anything about Mai is iffy, but I think it's worth mentioning.

The starting point of the Xanvid thing is the fact that they both used to idolize each other, but eventually decide that they should just be friends like any other friends. Cue the whole "foxes and children" quote from The Little Prince that shows up in LGI in the "I hate the things I love..." scene- I don't know how many people can follow what I just said, but I hope the main idea got across, at least.

Xander [1-5]: Enough with these idols or role models, okay? Let's just be friends.

In the same way, everyone loves Mai, but Min's Mai quote is:

Min: An average girl with nothing special at all about her.

Which can kinda be said about Min too, but the whole point of the end of the Bonus Episode is how Min is special to Mai.

Think of David as Mai and Xander as Min. David and Mai are idolized by everyone who knows them (pre 2-11 anyways), but Xander and Min see them as regular people (post 1-5 for Xander), while Xander and Min aren't idolized (by most of the cast at least) but are special to David and Mai respectively. I don't really know if it works perfectly, but it's close enough for me to mention.

You can even try to fit in some kind of point about the theme of cooperation vs competition, though I'll admit it's a bit of a stretch.

Competition is greatly important for Min's character, but she doesn't often go out of her way to help others. She helps when asked, sure, as she does when Surely-Not-Mai asks her to help her study in BE1, or when Eden asks for help baking and the subsequent clean-up. However, there's several scenes where she avoids conflict by reading that anatomy textbook of hers, such as in her introduction and when Arei's yelling at the Baking Squad.

Meanwhile, Xander doesn't really compete on anything with anyone aside the arm wrestling contest (which isn't much of a competition anyways), but he constantly tries to butt into other people's issues. It happens in Min's introduction, in his chat with Nico in 1-5, right before stabbing Teruko, you get the idea. So, he constantly tries to cooperate even without the consent of the person they're trying to cooperate with. Again, a stretch, but kinda works.

All of these foils culminate in Xander's death and Min's murder. Xander, like always, is proactive and acts even with incomplete information:

Xander [1-5]: Then, why did I do this? I don't even know... Why? Just why did you ask me to kill Teruko?

Trying his best to cooperate with an unknown ally to, presumably, hinder the mastermind's plans; fighting against the killing game like he fights against any other system.

But then Min barges in. She was just trying to fix the mistakes of the past, aka cleaning up the remnants of the baking thing. But just like her being randomly sponsored by XF-Ture Tech was in some ways both a blessing and a curse, she once again finds herself in a situation where, depending on how you look at it, she's either in the right place at the right time (to save Teruko) or at the wrong place at the wrong time (because she'll end up dying from this).

Xander attacks, and there's a bit of brain vs brawn thing that happens. I hadn't mentioned that theme before because Xander is intelligent and Min is arguably not the smartest in the cast, but it's true that Xander's physical prowess and Min's intelligence are some of their most notable strengths. This is brought to the forefront when Xander tries to kill Min by overpowering her only for her to outsmart him with the light switch trick.

However, again similarly to how she was pushed into a corner by the XF-Ture Tech contract, Min now finds herself in a position where she must compete with others for her own survival. And not just any form of competition, but a class trial. Once again, Min has to compete under the rules established by an institution, as she did in the UCES. She ultimately gets executed, but kept trying to survive until the very end, fighting for her life the same way she'd been fighting for her future her entire childhood; by trying to give the right answers in a test.

Look, there's probably more foils (because each time I look at these two I find more of them), but I need to stop at some point. These are characters who foil even in their fucking custom weapons for God's sake. Xander's "gun" looks extremely dangerous, when in reality it's nothing but a piece of plastic; and Min's pen looks totally safe, while actually hiding a knife. If I keep looking, I'll keep finding, and I have to talk about 7 other foiling pairs, so I'll keep it at that for this post :v

2) Teruko & Charles

There's plenty to talk about with these two as well! The main point of foiling is their respective character arcs so far.

Charles started out as a prickly and judgemental guy, pushing the others away as he felt superior due to his talent. However, after the events of the first trial, he started opening up a bit more, and hanging out with the others, mainly Whit.

Teruko, for her part, started out friendlier. She made a quick connection with Xander, and we saw her socializing with the elevator scene with Ace and Levi, and the baking squad scene. However, she went the other way after the first trial, pushing the others away to avoid getting attached and trusting no one. She's swinging back to trusting now, but the point stands.

Basically, Teruko and Charles went in opposite character arcs in the first two chapters. In that sense, Charles exists as an early warning to Teruko about the dangers of pushing others away, as the only reason Charles managed to get through the first trial is because Whit trusted him and his hemophobia. So, trust, relying on others, important themes their stories share.

And it's not just the in-killing game arcs, as their backstories also vaguely foil. Charles had a pretty privileged upbringing, while Teruko obviously had a lot more issues with her luck and all. Funnily enough, this includes them having scars they don't properly remember getting. Charles believes the dog bite wound on his arm is a birthmark, while Teruko doesn't know where the scar on her back came from.

Which is what gets us to the theme of memory we got going on. Both of them have memory issues, albeit different ones: Charles has childhood amnesia, Teruko has prosopagnosia. They even both have a brother of indeterminate fate, what with us not really knowing what happened to either "Kyo" or Elliot. Well we know Elliot's dead at least but you get the idea.

Speaking of the Elliot situation, one can tie this pair to a theme I can best define as "challenged preconceptions." Basically the idea that there's preconceptions these two carried into the killing game which are challenged by the events within it. That can technically be said about a lot of characters, sure, but Charles and Teruko have a fair amount of very specific notions which are only begin doubting in the killing game.

For Charles, this would be the existence of Elliot; that's the point I was trying to make with that segue back there. Charles thought he was an only child, but turns out he had a brother at some point.

Charles [2-7]: From birth all the way to the present, there are probably many things that you had taken for granted to be true. Things you never thought to question before, like those frivolous lies about "Santa Claus" or the "Tooth Fairy." Or perhaps less frivolous lies, like the idea that your parents know what's best for you. Once you're given some hitherto unknown information, you may begin piecing together a bigger picture of your past. Things you had accepted as truth your whole life begin to reveal themselves as lies. And once all the pieces are in place, you realize you were blind for never seeing the whole story before.

It's what Charles' numeral in LGI references: "if you doubt, brittle things are broken."

For Teruko, there's a few preconceptions that get challenged over the course of the killing game, but probably the most notable one is the idea that she's doomed to live a horrible life due to her luck.

Teruko [2-16]: I have always said that my misfortune, my personality, the choices I make, everything was all a product of a bad luck that I can't control. That I grew up in such horrible circumstances, so I was destined to grow up to be a terrible person. That everyone else abandoned me, so it's not my fault that I'm alone. I want to say that it's fate's fault, and that I had no choice in the matter. But, even so... Even so... Everyone. Xander, Min, Arei, Ace. Maybe even Levi. Is it my fault that they died? [...] Whether it was the fault of fate, or my fault... I already knew the answer. I had known what the answer was since a long, long time ago.

I think you can kinda see the point.

Their aptitude in class trials can also be mentioned. Although Charles was sorta out of it during the first one, he was definitely pretty good in the second one. And Teruko is far and away the most influential character in trial discussion overall. The fact they're equally matched intellectually speaking helps them play off each other pretty nicely.

Like with Xander and Min, there's probably more to talk about, but that's enough for me in this case.

3) Eden & Arei

The girlies! Arei's playground breakdown very neatly captures a lot of the themes these two foil on. Mainly, the theme of kindness and being a "good person." Arei used to try and be kind, but she was hurt because of it and thus decided to fight back against her sisters through becoming mean. Eden, meanwhile, remains kind and compassionate even through the despair of the killing game. This also plays into the idea of strength; while Arei is physically stronger and more forceful when it comes to getting what she wants, Eden is stronger in her resilience, her ability to remain Silly despite the horrors. Both have their merits, as we see for example when Arei defends Eden from Arturo and when Eden manages to move Teruko in the 2-3 kitchen scene, respectively.

Meanwhile, when we speak of being a "good person", Arei's breakdown of what that means in 2-13 is really all we need to talk about. Eden's seemingly unending patience and kindness is not what's truly needed to be a "good person", as even she must have made mistakes and hurt people in the past (cue fork CG). Rather, being a "good person" just means trying to change for the better whenever you mess up, represented by Arei. Not to say Eden's not a good person; she is, but you don't need to be like her to be "good"- you get the point.

In the same ballpark, we have the theme of friendship, what it means to be friends. In fact, Arei's little 2-10 reconciliation speech connects both this theme and the last.

Arei [2-10]: Being a good person means doing nice things. So if there's anything you need from me... Whether it's defending you from scary jerks like Arturo or baking some stupid fucking cake... I'll do it. I promise. I'll do anything for you. Okay? Eden: I... Arei: Because... because... Because that's what friends do.

Arei believes friendship to be all about doing things for the other person, protecting each other. This is pretty central to her character, seeing as "Because that's what friends do" is her secret quote. Eden brings up the same thing when acused of murder.

Eden [2-14]: I just wanted to help Arei.... I didn't kill her... Teruko: You know I can't just take your words at face value, Eden. Eden: Please, Teruko... You're my friend, aren't you? Friends help each other.... So please, help me...

So. That.

One could also connect Eden's theming around new beginnings (birthday right before New Year's, favorite color is daffodil yellow and daffodils represent new beginnings, her name references the Garden of Eden which comes from a story about the beginning of the world) to Arei's redemption arc, as Arei gets a "new beginning" in the kindness she once showed. This even ties into Arei's death thematically, as Arei not only dies trying to be a good friend to Eden (tying into the theme of friendship), but she specifically dies in the playground, a place connected to childhood. So we once again get "new beginnings" by connecting her place of death to her origin point and the time when she was kind, if you get the idea.

Again, probably more here, and for this one in particular I'm not even sure I really scratched the surface, but I'll call this good enough for now.

4) Nico & Ace

So these two have a ridiculous amount of beef and that's not really new. Even their very talents have foils; both work with animals, but Nico loves all animals, while Ace hates them, especially horses.

Ace [1-5]: Animals are fucking lame, anyways. Seriously, they suck hard. If someone told me their cat was acting up or something, I’d give it a good punt.

But the main point of contrast is the theme of agency and taking control of their situation.

Ace’s thoughts on this are expressed quite clearly in his secret quote, “I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.” He feels he lacks control over his talent (forced into it despite being deathly afraid of horses), over his feelings (obvious), over his relationships with the cast, etc. And so he tries to feel in control by bullying Nico, especially when he gets their secret so he can try to blackmail them. Not that Ace doesn’t bother Nico before that, but it does get worse in CH2. He repeatedly does self-destructive things just so he can feel in control of something, be it killing Arei because he feels everyone hates him and he has no way of fixing that before he dies, or trying to find reasons to get mad at Levi so he can try to control his feelings towards him when they become inconvenient for the whole murder thing.

Nico, for their side, keeps having their agency undermined by people around them. They get pushed by both David and Ace into revealing their secret before they were ready, Hu keeps defending them even after they ask her not to, they keep getting spoken over during the trial, etc. You can even extend that to stuff like feeling like they have to present as a man at the start of the series because the people from their backstory don’t respect their identity, or more minor events in the killing game like Ace reproaching them for just… wandering around.

Nico [1-8]: The motive was on my mind. So I was nervous. I tend to pace around when I’m nervous. That’s not a problem, right? Ace: Seriously? You were ‘wandering around’ all alone? You’re definitely the killer!

Basically, Nico struggles to assert themselves a lot of the time, which means they end up going from 0 to 100 pretty fast on the whole “murder Ace” plan.

That’s how we get to the theme of victims/perpetrators, or rather, how sometimes things are more complicated than that dichotomy. The theme is explored throughout their relationship, with Nico originally being a victim of Ace's bullying, then Ace being a victim of Nico's attempted murder, then Ace being a perpetrator of actual murder, you get the idea. Pretty straightforward there.

Going further, this also connects to the theme of forgiveness and apologizing, which comes up a few times in the trial. Nico doesn’t apologize to Ace after explaining their plan because they still hate him and know Ace isn’t going to forgive them, so they see no point in doing it. This parallels how Ace doesn’t expect anyone to forgive him for killing Arei, though with Nico, the question of forgiveness is currently open-ended, as there’s several characters who either have shown a willingness to ignore their crimes (Hu) or don’t know what to think of them (Rose). Basically, Nico has a chance to move past their mistake, which Ace isn’t getting.

And as usual, Ace’s death is the culmination of the themes his character embodies. He kills Arei, who is connected to him via the theme of bullying. He does it out of fear of death, because he feels he doesn't have enough control over his life to avoid getting killed by the enemies he made by insulting them all. Arei was on the path of forgiveness with Eden, which Ace cut short. Ace replicates what Nico did to him because Ace’s murder is the conclusion to everything that’s happened to him in the killing game, with everyone hating him and all that. You get the point. Hopefully.

For a relatively smaller theme, we can bring up dissatisfaction with their body. Nico is non-binary, meaning they’re presumably not very happy with the sex they were born with. Meanwhile, Ace has an eating disorder, not to mention that he always wears gloves for some reason (hiding his hands), and he wears heels to be taller because he’s shorter than he’d like, even though he’s also tall for a jockey. Can’t win, this guy.

Again, probably more to talk about, but I’d like to get this post out at some point this year :v

5) Hu & Veronika

You mention in this ask that, since the first two recap foil pairs were important for CH1 and the third and fourth were important for CH2, it's possible that Hu-Vero and Rose-J could be important for CH3. That's certainly an interesting observation! We could also extend that to CH4, I guess, but that's a bit too far for me to talk about... so I won't! I will talk about CH3, though.

I'll get to Rose-J in their section, but I could definitely believe that Hu-Vero could be important for CH3. There's a fair bit of setup for both of them going through some kind of arc in the chapter, which you kinda mentioned in the ask (Hu has to deal with the fallout of the Nico situation, while Vero's reactions to Levi's near death and Ace's execution imply she's getting worse), and there's already a narrative connection between them through their pact about the secrets in the second trial. Not to mention that Vero's always given people CH3 death vibes, which I get even if I'm hesitant to say that myself.

But that's just speculation. What about the foils we already have? Well, the main point of contrast is their reaction to conflict, especially when it comes to a specific person they're particularly interested in. Hu always tries to mediate conflict and defend the people she considers good, mostly seen in her white knighting of Nico all throughout CH2. Veronika's the opposite. She enjoys watching conflict, stirring the pot with her psychoanalysis, and particularly enjoys whenever Arturo does some bullshit. Basically, Hu goes "I can fix them" while Vero goes "I can make him worse." Classic dichotomy there.

Then there's the matter of change, metamorphosis even. Hu’s character is designed around it, with her butterfly hairpin and the fact her name means “still lake”, as water is often connected to rebirth. And we know she has changed, from the hopeless child who attempted suicide three times into someone who seems quite attached to her life, if her secret quote is anything to go by.

Hu [Profile Source Code]: I want to pay for what I’ve done. But even then, I still want to live.

Much in the same way, we know Veronika in present is not the same person she used to be years ago. She mentions having been quite outdoors-y back in the day, some of that bleeding into her excitement about the playground, and of course her motive secret is that she used to self-harm, but no longer does.

And yes, the theme of self-harm/suicide is another one where these two foil, which has even come up with their motive secret pact in CH2. We don’t have many details on that yet, though.

That said, the reasons for why they harmed themselves seem to be quite different, which is noteworthy. Although we don’t know what exactly led Hu to attempt suicide, we do know that nowadays she desperately wants to be relied on so she feels useful, meaning it’s very likely her suicidal tendencies came from a feeling that her life had no meaning, or something equally depressing. Meanwhile, provided her secret is to be believed, Veronika just hurt herself when she was bored. Definitely very different reasons for self-harm there.

Looking over your original post on this (have I mentioned I’ve been cross-checking my own thoughts with your own? ‘Cuz I’m doing that), you also bring up maturity, which is indeed an aspect in which they foil. Hu’s character profile states she acts motherly, and the highlighted word in her subtitle quote (“Can you please try and act with a little more maturity?”) is, in fact, maturity. Meanwhile, Vero has childish tendencies, most evidently seen in the scene where the playground gets introduced.

There’s definitely a lot of things about these characters which we currently don’t know about, so I’m sure this section could get significantly larger in the future. But for now, this feels decent enough for me.

6) Rose & J

According to the extension of the original theory stated in this ask, J-Rose might be an important pair for CH3. And I can definitely see that! Rose's mental state has deteriorated a lot, so CH3 is primed to be a turning point for her character. Your point about Arturo being important at the start due to Levi's condition, and that possibly leading to attention being drawn to J, is also very reasonable. Not to mention that, as you seem to be aware of given what you said in the ask, DRDT's motives have so far aligned pretty well with the THH motives, with the first one being videos of their family and the second being secrets. This is important because, if that pattern continues, the third motive might be related to money. And one of the themes in which these two foil is wealth and poverty, which we'll get to in a moment, so it's entirely possible this pair could be quite relevant as a result of that. Not a bad idea in the slightest.

In any case, this is another set that mainly foils through backstory, at least for now. Rose was born into poverty, J was born into wealth. Rose tried to do everything she could for her family, J tries to distance herself from her mother as much as she can. Some parallels can be drawn between the influence the Spurling Foundation has on Rose’s life and the things Mariabella tries to force J to do. I can’t recall if this actually got mentioned in the series itself yet, but based on the childhood drawings post, we can tell J was probably forced to wear dresses despite disliking “girly” things per her profile, and from there infer that she was likely forced into doing a lot of things she didn't want to do.

These backstories can additionally connect to the ever prevalent theme of fate. Rose has accepted her fate, in a sense, believing that she’ll never escape her contract with the Spurling Foundation (see: her secret quote, “In the end, the only thing I can do is watch my wretched life go on”). On the other hand, J constantly rejects her fate by going against her birthright and hiding that she’s a Rosales (see: her secret quote, “Please don’t call me your daughter ever again”).

This is literally baked into their designs btw. Rose’s apron is stained all over, as if to signal she’s stained by the mistakes of her past, while J wears a hoodie as if to hide her identity as much as possible. Notably, J’s shirt actually has a paint splatter design, so she literally is hiding the stains (which in her case would be her last name) that Rose doesn’t bother covering up.

(Btw while I was looking at their designs for this I noticed J’s hoodie has two zippers, which threw me off a lot lmao. Apparently those are a real thing, but it still caught me off guard and I wanted to mention it lol)

On the topic of design, why do they wear the same shoes?

(Rose's on the left, J's on the right)

Like, Rose’s are a bit less saturated and maybe a bit more green than blue, but that’s the only difference I can see. I don’t think there’s any other pair of pairs of shoes that look this similar in the cast. Whit and Arei’s are similar to these, but they have a few different details. I don’t even think this is a foil thing I think Rose and J just have very similar taste in shoes. I find this amusing.

Anyways. Their talents are artistic.

…Yep, that’s the parallel! Admittedly, it does come up a bit, with J saying the decor looks new during the prologue, and Rose saying she could figure out a few things about the building if she could analyze the paint on the wall. They be detective-ing and stuff.

Arguably, the theme of betrayal can also be brought up, though it’s very minor. Rose got betrayed by Nico, who used her turpentine for their attempt on Ace. And something like that kinda happened to J around the same time, as she dragged Teruko into a dressing room to avoid Arturo and got a knife to her throat for the troubles. It barely counts, but given Teruko is one of the only people J seemed to genuinely like before that point, I’d say the situations are similar enough to mention, if nothing else.

Leaving it off there!

7) Arturo & Levi

Let’s get the obvious one out of the way. Their talents are aesthetic related, be it related to people’s physical appearance or the clothes they wear. These talents connect to some of the other themes of their characters, such as Arturo’s obsession with beauty and Levi “styling himself” as a good person by doing things good people do, if that makes sense.

Then there’s the other big one; their family situation. Arturo’s home life was likely pretty bad, which we can infer from how desperate he seemed to get the hell outta dodge; and his sister committed suicide because Arturo left. Levi also left his family behind, although in his case he says everyone was a “bad influence” on everyone. Plus, he directly killed his father for one reason or another. We did get to see how Arturo felt about Levi’s nonchalance about the death of his father in the second trial, and that furthers their foiling.

Arturo [2-13]: How could you simply *forget* that you murdered your own family member?

Yeah that.

Going back to the talents, there’s some contrast between how they got them. Arturo studied from a very young age and for years to become a Plastic Surgeon just as he entered adulthood, while Levi admits to being relatively new to fashion. They both kinda use their talents to escape their past in some way (it was part of Arturo’s plan to get the hell away from his home and Hope’s Peak is the reason Levi was never convicted for his murders), just that one had a little more planning behind it.

Then there’s the matter of protection. Arturo repeatedly resents the idea that because he has some medical training, he has to be the cast’s doctor every time someone gets injured, and panics when he’s asked to do something as serious as saving Levi’s life.

Arturo [2-16]: I–! I’m not that kind of surgeon! I’ve told you, over and over, I have no experience with saving lives!

Levi, conversely, actively wishes to protect the others, seen for example when he attacked MonoTV in the Prologue and when he jumped in front of Teruko right before she got shot at. It’s even clarified in the subtitle quote of his profile (“I will do my utmost best to make sure that you all are safe”). Levi likes to protect others so they see him as a “good person”, which segues nicely into a more vague theme of categorizing important people in some way. Levi wishes to be seen as a good person and thus is quite interested in those he considers good (eg Eden), while Arturo is only interested in talking to beautiful people. It’s very vague and I don’t have much to say about it, especially since we don’t know exactly where Arturo’s obsession with beauty comes from, but it’s there.

Speaking of that, another point of comparison is the way both of them seek the approval of one specific person in the cast. For Arturo, it’s J because of her mother. For Levi, it’s Ace because of what happened in the first trial. They do it in quite different ways, but it is a thing that happens, and the differences help highlight the main narrative points these plot points bring to the table.

I’m calling that good enough!

8) Whit & David

We sure left a pretty interesting one for last. This is probably one of the ones I’m the least clear on, mostly because both Whit and David are sorta unclear characters. However, there are still a few interesting things I can bring up.

Let’s start with the theme of idolization of the dead, because it’s quite literally what Whit’s secret quote references.

Whit [Profile Source Code]: We tend to idolize the dead.

Whit idolizes his mother, and thus tries to be like her in any way he can. He dyes his hair blond, he completely ignores the fact she’s dead, you know the drill. Meanwhile, David idolizes Xander. Take a pick from any of his 2-12 lines or any of the Xander related LGI bullshit to see what I mean by that.

Though, speaking of family members, Diana Chiem. Given we have no idea what the deal with her is yet, I won’t speak too much on it. But if you’ve watched my Vivisection of the David MV, you might know that there’s a theory brought up there that Diana may have died during Hope’s Peak time and that David’s started saying she never existed when that happened. The link sends you to that section of the video. It’s kinda insane, but there’s some basis for it, and it would create a pretty clear connection between Diana and Elizabeth (Whit’s mom) so I’m bringing it up.

Then there’s the theme of hiding/avoiding sad topics and the like. David is obviously not as happy with his life as he presents himself as, at least for most of the story, while Whit has a history of horrendously avoidant behavior when it comes to anything that’s even remotely negative.

David does occasionally talk about heavier topics, but always behind some kind of persona. Either as the inspirational speaker who takes on a leadership role in CH2 (see: revealing his family history of depression (which I think is true, even if he probably never thought that was actually his secret), comforting Arei in the playground) or as the cartoonishly evil person he pretends to be immediately after his magical girl transformation (see: “Arei was a weather spell” line). He’s seemingly a bit more candid when it comes to Xander in 2-12 for a bit, but then he mostly reverts back to just being an asshole most of the time, other than a few outbursts of genuine emotion (funnily enough, one of them being David shouting at Whit to take things seriously). Meanwhile, Whit (in my opinion) doesn’t seem to have a persona, per say; he’s just kind of an unserious person who repeatedly uses humor and other tactics to distract from the Horrors. He’s a deeply strange person, but that’s kinda just who he is.

Then there’s- say it with me everyone- the theme of fate. David believes people can’t change, that they’re fated to remain the same no matter what happens during their life. He’s made that stance relatively clear. Whit, for his part, has a much more optimistic view on humanity and the like, as he tells Teruko.

Whit [2-3]: Charles… No, everyone here… we might act callously, but we’re all only human. We're all real people with our strengths and weaknesses. You included, Teruko. Just like Charles, even if you’re acting cold, there’s still a part of you that’s good–

(And yes, “we’re all only human” can be contrasted with the whole “David doesn’t really feel human” thing from LGI and Tally 5)

Thus, his connection to fate is actually something that hasn’t been talked about in the main series yet, but rather comes from his character profile. All it takes is noticing the repeated references to luck and thing that are “guaranteed” (aka fated) to happen, and you can kinda piece it together from there.

Whit [Profile]: It’s said that if you get the Ultimate Matchmaker to find you a romantic partner, you’re guaranteed to have a happy and stable relationship for life. Unfortunately for Whit Young, he seems to lack all luck when it comes to finding a relationship himself.

And since that profile talks about his talent, I'll use it as a segue to look at similarities between Matchmaker and Inspirational Speaker. Both are talents based around influencing and advising people on how to achieve happiness, either in their love life or their… life life. Thus, both require some level of understanding on how people think and act, which manifests in Whit’s self-proclaimed intuitive nature and David’s confidence in his beliefs when it comes to people not changing and all that.

And… yeah I’m gonna say I’m okay with that for now.

Wow, that was quite a bit, now wasn’t it! And it still feels like I could find more if I thought about it long enough, but I hope this was enough for you. Thanks for the ask! The DRDT cast is really fun to talk about, though, so the excuse to do so is always welcome :D

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velvettte · 1 year ago

Text

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT (18+ ONLY)

boss nanami kento x secretary f!reader, handjob, nanami is hardcore daydreaming and lusting

nanami kento considers his lust to be something shameful.

he knows it’s completely natural—it was how half of history had ever been made—but he always prided himself on choosing his relationships based on loyalty and mutual trust.

all of that went to hell the second you entered his office.

you smiled at him shyly, gently closing the door behind you as you walked up to him with a piece of paper in your hand, presumably your resume.

“hello sir,” you said sweetly, your voice so perfect and melodious that he felt his heart stutter in his chest. “i’m your new secretary. here is my resume containing all my previous positions in case you were curious.”

he doesn’t even bother to look at the resume, opting to look at your face and memorize the details.

has he ever seen anyone with lips so soft? or eyes so luminous? or a smile that was….

he needed to cut that out.

“i’m honored you’ve chosen our company to work at,” he says, offering you what he hopes is a polite smile. on the inside he’s so flustered he can hardly think, focusing on any point of the room so he doesn’t give into the growing heat he feels in his lower belly.

“it was a great choice you say,” and he turns his gaze up and oh dear.

in the midst of his panic he didn’t realize that you’d chosen the worst possible outfit to wear to meet him.

the dress was absolutely stunning, a color that complimented your skin and hugged your silhouette so well that it seemed almost magical.

he could nearly imagine what it would be like beneath. how soft and supple your skin would feel against his hands. he’d take his time to caress your skin and to learn every inch of you, the scars and the softness both.

he really, really needed to stop.

“it was the best choice,” you continued, unaware of the dilemma nanami faced at every second. “i’ve heard absolutely great reviews about your leadership, sir.”

he decides to test the waters once more and finds himself regretting it instantly. you’ve made your way onto the chair in front of his desk now, hair loose from its professional bun and framing your face.

your eyes are so much prettier from this close, he thinks briefly, his heart stopping when you take out a tube of lip balm and smooth it over your lips.

oh god.

he could feel his length twitch as you gave him the biggest smile.

“so, now that introductions are over, do you have a task for me?”

“yes,” he nearly jumps, handing you a folder of assignments that would definitely be more than an hours of work. “these files need copying and some emails need to be sent. do you think you would be able to get through some of these?”

“all of them,” you say determinedly, taking the files from him and oh how his hands yearn to feel the spark that came from that touch.

you scurry out of his office, and nanami sighs, looking down to confirm what he knew was inevitable the second he saw you.

he was so hard, and all it took was a smile and a touch from you.

he gently palmed his bulge over his pants, shivering at the gentle contact. quickly he from his chair and locked the door. the last thing he wanted was for you to come back and see him as pathetic as he was right now.

he unbuttoned his pants and released himself, unsurprised at the bead of precum that had gathered at the tip.

against his better judgement, he gently wrapped his fingers around his dick, slowly moving up and down.

he thought of how beautiful you looked in that dress and skated his thumb to the tip, groaning at the sensation.

as he moved his fist yet again, he was interrupted by a fantasy of you doing this instead.

your hands around his dick, whispering sweet nothings in his ears and moving your first at a tantalizingly slow cadence. you who’d listen to his groans and tease him, touching his tip and his sweet spots just enough to get him whining.

he could feel himself harden even more beneath his fingers, rubbing his tip yet again and groaning in pleasure. he shut his eyes, thinking of your hands, your eyes, your body.

he, sinfully, thought about how you’d take him into your mouth, your hands and tongue working in tandem.

he could feel the knot in his stomach tighten when he thinks about how warm your mouth would feel around him.

against his better judgment he whispers your name, velvet against his lips, and with another stroke he’s seeing stars, hips arching as he comes.

he gasps for air, looking at his mess and wondering just how he’ll ever face you.

he gently cleans himself up, thanking whatever power there was for having a tissue box nearby.

he unlocks his office and sits there, a furious blush on his face when you walk into his office again.

“hello sir,” you smile, “i hope all these files are arranged to your liking.”

“that was so fast,” he says, looking through what could only be described as immaculate work. “these are all perfect.”

“i’m so glad,” you grin. “say…i know it’s a bit unprofessional, but do you think you could give me a ride to my apartment tonight? i am so sorry for asking…my metro card just ran out of swipes.”

“i would love to,” he says in a heartbeat, his own heart thudding wildly.

god, he was a goner.

all feedback is appreciated!! if you want to be added to my taglist for general posts or certain ones, feel free to send an ask <3

#ari scribbles #aquamour #nanami x reader #jjk x reader #nanami kento x reader #nanami smut #nanami kento smut #jjk smut #jjk fluff #nanami fluff

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najia-cooks · 2 years ago

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[ID: A bowl of avocado spread sculpted into a pattern, topped with olive oil and garnished with symmetrical lines of nigella seeds and piles of pomegranate seeds; a pile of pita bread is in the background. End ID]

متبل الأفوكادو / Mutabbal al-'afukadu (Palestinian avocado dip)

Avocados are not native to Palestine. Israeli settlers planted them in Gaza in the 1980s, before being evicted when Israel evacuated all its settlements in Gaza in 2005. The avocados, however, remained, and Gazans continued to cultivate them for their fall and winter harvest. Avocados have been folded into the repertoire of a "new" Palestinian cuisine, as Gazans and other Palestinians have found ways to interpret them.

Palestinians may add local ingredients to dishes traditionally featuring avocado (such as Palestinian guacamole, "جواكامولي فلسطيني" or "غواكامولي فلسطيني"), or use avocado in Palestinian dishes that typically use other vegetables (pickling them, for example, or adding them to salads alongside tomato and cucumber).

Another dish in this latter category is حمص الافوكادو (hummus al-'afukadu)—avocado hummus—in which avocado is smoothly blended with lemon juice, white tahina (طحينة البيضاء, tahina al-bayda'), salt, and olive oil. Yet another is متبّل الأفوكادو (mutabbal al-'afukadu). Mutabbal is a spiced version of بابا غنوج (baba ghannouj)‎: "مُتَبَّل" means "spiced" or "seasoned," from "مُ" "mu-," a participlizing prefix, + "تَبَّلَ" "tabbala‎," "to have spices added to." Here, fresh avocado replaces the roasted eggplant usually used to make this smooth dip; it is mixed with green chili pepper, lemon juice, garlic, white tahina, sumac, and labna (لبنة) or yoghurt. Either of these dishes may be topped with sesame or nigella seeds, pomegranate seeds, fresh dill, or chopped nuts, and eaten with sliced and toasted flatbread.

Avocados' history in Palestine precedes their introduction to Gaza. They were originally planted in 1908 by a French order of monks, but these trees have not survived. It was after the Balfour Declaration of 1917 (in which Britain, having been promised colonial control of Palestine with the dissolution of the Ottoman Empire after World War 1, pledged to establish "a national home for the Jewish people" in Palestine) that avocado agriculture began to take root.

In the 1920s, 30s, and 40s, encouraged by Britain, Jewish Europeans began to immigrate to Palestine in greater numbers and establish agricultural settlements (leaving an estimated 29.4% of peasant farming families without land by 1929). Seeds and seedlings from several varieties of avocado were introduced from California by private companies, research stations, and governmental bodies (including Mikveh Israel, a school which provided settlers with agricultural training). In these years, prices were too high for Palestinian buyers, and quantities were too low for export.

It wasn't until after the beginning of the Nakba (the ethnic cleansing of Palestinians from "Jewish" areas following the UN partition of Palestine in 1947) that avocado plantings became significant. With Palestinians having been violently expelled from most of the area's arable land, settlers were free to plant avocados en masse for export, aided (until 1960) by long-term, low-interest loans from the Israeli government. The 400 acres planted within Israel's claimed borders in 1955 ballooned to 2,000 acres in 1965, then 9,000 by 1975, and over 17,000 by 1997. By 1986, Israel was producing enough avocados to want to renegotiate trade agreements with Europe in light of the increase.

Israeli companies also attained commercial success selling avocados planted on settlements within the West Bank. As of 2014, an estimated 4.5% of Israeli avocado exports were grown in the occupied Jordan Valley alone (though data about crops grown in illegal settlements is of course difficult to obtain). These crops were often tended by Palestinian workers, including children, in inhumane conditions and at starvation wages. Despite a European Union order to specify the origin of such produce as "territories occupied by Israel since 1967," it is often simply marked "Israel." Several grocery stores across Europe, including Carrefour, Lidl, Dunnes Stores, and Aldi, even falsified provenance information on avocados and other fruits in order to circumvent consumer boycotts of goods produced in Israel altogether—claiming, for example, that they were from Morocco or Cyprus.

Meanwhile, while expanding its own production of avocados, Israel was directing, limiting, and destabilizing Palestinian agriculture in an attempt to eliminate competition. In 1982, Israel prohibited the planting of fruit trees without first obtaining permission from military authorities; in practice, this resulted in Palestinians (in Gaza and the West Bank) being entirely barred from planting new mango and avocado trees, even to replace old, unproductive ones.

Conditions worsened in the years following the second intifada. Between September of 2000 and September of 2003, Israeli military forces destroyed wells, pumps, and an estimated 85% of the agricultural land in al-Sayafa, northern Gaza, where farmers had been using irrigation systems and greenhouses to grow fruits including citrus, apricots, and avocados. They barred almost all travel into and out of al-Sayafa: blocking off all roads that lead to the area, building barricades topped with barbed wire, preventing entry within 150 meters of the barricade under threat of gunfire, and opening crossings only at limited times of day and only for specific people, if at all.

A July 2001 prohibition on Palestinian vehicles within al-Sayafa further slashed agricultural production, forcing farmers to rely on donkeys and hand carts to tend their fields and to transport produce across the crossing. If the crossing happened to be closed, or the carts could not transport all the produce in time, fruits and vegetables would sit waiting in the sun until they rotted and could not be sold. The 2007 blockade worsened Gaza's economy still further, strictly limiting imports and prohibiting exports entirely (though later on, there would be exceptions made for small quantities of specific crops).

In the following years, Israel allowed imports of food items into Gaza not exceeding the bare minimum for basic sustenance, based on an estimation of the caloric needs of its inhabitants. Permitted (apples, bananas, persimmons, flour) and banned items for import (avocados, dates, grapes) were ostensibly based on "necessary" versus "luxury" foods, but were in fact directed according to where Israeli farmers could expect the most profit.

Though most of the imports admitted into Gaza continued to come from Israel, Gazan farmers kept pursuing self-sufficiency. In 2011, farmers working on a Hamas-government-led project in the former settlements produced avocados, mangoes, and most of the grapes, onions, and melons that Gazans ate; by 2015, though still forbidden from exporting excess, they were self-sufficient in the production of crops including onions, watermelon, cantaloupe, grapes, almonds, olives, and apples.

Support Palestinian resistance by calling Elbit System’s (Israel’s primary weapons manufacturer) landlord, donating to Palestine Action’s bail fund, and donating to the Bay Area Anti-Repression Committee bail fund.

Ingredients:

2 medium avocados (300g total)

1/4 cup white tahina

2 Tbsp labna (لبنة), or yoghurt (laban, لبن رايب)

1 green chili pepper

2 cloves garlic

2 Tbsp good olive oil

Juice of 1/2 lemon (1 1/2 Tbsp)

1 tsp table salt, or to taste

Pomegranate seeds, slivered almonds, pine nuts, chopped dill, nigella seeds, sesame seeds, sumac, and/or olive oil, to serve

Khubiz al-kmaj (pita bread), to serve

Instructions:

1. In a mortar and pestle, crush garlic, pepper, and a bit of salt into a fine paste.

2. Add avocados and mash to desired texture. Stir in tahina, labna, olive oil, lemon juice, and additional salt.

You can also combine all ingredients in a blender or food processor.

3. Top with a generous drizzle of olive oil. Add toppings, as desired.

4. Cut pita into small rectangles or triangles and separate one half from the other (along where the pocket is). Toast in the oven, or in a large, dry skillet, stirring occasionally, until golden brown. Serve dip alongside toasted pita chips.

#Palestinian #avocados #tahina #lemons #long post /#gluten free

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mayhem429 · 5 months ago

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Colleagues

Entering my tumblr and Ao3 combo era. Another repost I wrote June 2024!

Summary: Y/N meets Indiana at a benefit and they seem to like each other.

Tags: Indiana jones/Reader, Smut, Reader-Insert, AFAB reader, Professor Indiana Jones, Indiana doesn't go by henry, Light Swearing, One-Shot, One Night Stand, Awkward reader, Flirting, Awkward Flirting, After temple of doom, Consent is Sexy, Eating out, Vaginal Sex

Notes: Hi, I’m here to practice writing so this will not be that good and I’m just gonna skip the smut in the next chapter cause I’m lazy

Chapter 1: Introductions

Y/N sat alone at a table for two flipping through her notebook admiring her work and filling in gaps. She was a professor at the University of Connecticut, who taught Ancient Indigenous History; the pages in her notebook were filled with scribblings from her most recent travels to Machu Picchu in Peru.

She sighed and looked around at many of her colleagues at this benefit before her eyes met with a particular man who she hasn’t met yet. He was talking to the principal of her university, Mr. Richard when their eyes met. Y/N looked away quickly embarrassed but everytime she looked back up his eyes were in her direction. He had a dark rustic face, wore round brown rimmed glasses, and looked like he’d miss several shaving days. He was wearing a gray suit with the boy tie missing and his chest exposed slightly. God, Y/N thought before looking away again, he’s fucking gorgeous. Y/N stopped looking at him in hopes she’d disappear in his sight because she felt embarrassed with how gorgeous he was, especially when he was looking at her.

“Working hard or hardly working?” A familiar voice questioned Y/N. She looked up and met eyes with her boss, the principal of UOC, Mr. Richard, and the stranger with rugged good looks. Mr. Richard had a little smile on his face from his joking remark and the stranger had a respectful but sultry smirk on his face towards her.

Y/N laughed and finally answered, “Who really knows with me huh?”

“Oh you humble yourself, you’re one the hardest working professors I’ve met. Speaking of meeting, I'd like you to meet this excellent man who's been keeping me company this evening. He just got back from Pangkot solving mysteries as usual.” Mr. Richard said while the stranger leaned over to shake Y/N’s hands.

“Indiana Jones, it’s lovely to meet you.” He smiled charmingly before releasing her hand. Y/N closed her notebook and sat more straight before introducing herself.

“Y/F/N Y/L/N, what’d you see in Pangkot?”

“Mostly elephants.” He responded quickly. Both the young professors laughed.

“Well I best leave you two, I’d imagine you’d have quite a lot to talk about.” Mr. Richard said before walking over to the bar. Indiana sat down across from Y/N, he folded his hands.

“What’d you see in Machu Picchu?” He inquired playfully.

“A lot of old buildings.” She responded with a silly tone. He looked at her for a moment before laughing, seemingly admiring her. Y/N’s heart began to swell and her face began turning pink.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Indiana said suddenly with a newfound eagerness. “I just..” He paused for a moment. “You are rather beautiful and I’d rather talk about our expeditions (wink wink) in a more comfortable setting.” He finished with a suave and smooth tone.

“I’d love to.” Y/N replied as eager while putting her notebook in her bag and leaving cash for her food. They both got up and he wrapped his arm under hers like a gentleman, while escorting her out.

Chapter 2: One Night Stand

Indy had picked Y/N up gently when arriving at his apartment and pressed her against the wall while ravaging her lips. Y/N had never been this forward with a man before, it felt risky, this turned her on even more, her core becoming hot and tense. She began kissing his face, neck, whatever she could reach while he began unbuttoning her blouse. Their lips met briefly again before his focus landed on bringing her to his bedroom. He carried her gently, kicked her door open slightly before lightly plopping her on the bed. They kissed for a moment fully clothed before their shared desire became almost too unbearable and they started almost tearing their own clothes off. Soon Y/N was laying there naked waiting for Indy to finish undressing himself, the last thing he took off was his glass, lightly tossing them aside before he knelt down and began kissing her face intensely. He slowly moved down her body, kissing what seemed like every single part of her.

“God you're so beautiful.” He said when he had lifted himself back up to admire her for a moment. He smirked before sliding down between her legs, still kissing every part of her body. His head now between her legs he kissed and nibbled at her thighs gently.

“Is this ok?” He asked while he was staring at her pussy, hungrily.

“Of course.” Y/N said a little unsure, no man had ever offered to eat her out on their first night. This made her so wet. He began with soft kisses and licks until he was devouring her whole. Y/N was moaning lightly, her hands meeting his soft brown hair, and her back arching from pleasure. It wasn’t long before she was finishing and she moaned his name during her climax. He wiped his mouth off before he began kissing up her body now. Their lips met, Y/N was panting and sweaty already. She caressed his face while he kissed her face and lips. He then aligned himself with her and asked.

“Ready?” She nodded her head up and down while biting her lip in anticipation. When he inserted himself her eyes closed and her back arched while she moaned out loudly just for him. He began thrusting gently and sweetly before their lips met again. They continued lips never fully parting until they both finished. They laid together for moment before Y/N turned over to hug him slightly. This would be a night they would both never forget.

#Indiana jones/reader #smut #fanfic #indiana jones x reader

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formerly-windblume · 6 months ago

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AKATSUKI Drama - Not So Happy Elements

For those currently in the dark of what has been happening then I will try my best to explain what is happening….

The unit AKATSUKI, which consists of the members Kanzaki Souma, Hasumi Keito, and Kiryu Kuro…. Now it seems they gained a fourth member, Ibuki Taki… the introduction of the unit, that praises itself on its traditional Japanese image, has taken in an indigenous boy who was originally from Okinawa.

Why is this problematic?

Historically speaking the Japanese were brutal to the people of Okinawa, specifically the Ryukyuan people. According to history, the Okinawans, formerly known as the Ryukyuans, existed as the Ryukyu Kingdom since the 13th century until Meiji Japan forcefully annexed the island nation. Under the Japanese colonial rule and assimilation policy, the Ryukyuans lost their own culture, language, land, and political institutions. Emphasis on the word “forcefully”….

Ok, now explain why else this is problematic?

Certainly! This is an act of “japanizing” the character of Ibuki Taki by making this whole event and story an act of cultural insensitiveness and an utterly offensive move by Happy Elements as not only a company but the moves made by the game’s developers and creators.

How can we bring light to this situation? Is there anything players can do?

Other than sharing this message here on Tumblr with others along with the links provided we can do a boycott of the game itself.

THIS MEANS NO SPENDING AND/OR PLAYING THE GAME WHATSOEVER FOR A CERTAIN PERIOD OF TIME!!

No money and/or lack of players can damage them, now while I understand that many of us are Enstars fans and adore our idols let’s try and think of the bigger picture… tackling a situation that is highly offensive and needs to be stopped.

What else can be done?

If you want to go the extra mile, while I don’t expect anyone to do so, petitions can be made… this situation needs to be made known widespread. If you have the guts to do so, send this to gaming news outlets and let it be known. Spread the word, gain attention. Do something. While I don’t expect this, I hope somehow this topic reaches more people…

How has this already affected Happy Elements?

Fans from Japan and globally have expressed hatred for this recent event and have review bombed the tweets on Twitter (X). Any and all posts made by Ensemble Stars JP have been given hate posts, same is happening to some posts on the EN page. Ensemble Stars is receiving a massive amount of backlash for their actions and it is quite entertaining to see.

What are some helpful links?

https://x.com/gitsunegal/status/1844379715718562226?s=46&t=NeslrSMPJwN2KlU4F3An5A

https://www.risingpowersinitiative.org/publication/the-okinawa-problem-the-forgotten-history-of-japanese-colonialism-and-ryukyuan-indigeneity/

The Voice Actors

The voice actors have ZERO say in what happens to their characters, it’s is far beyond their power to say they want their character to have an entirely different story than what was given originally. With the upcoming stream featuring the AKATSUKI cast I ask that NO ONE harasses the voice actors as they are innocent in this mess.

Ibuki… my boi, we will save you, sweetie!

Ibuki, blink twice if you are in danger! Oh! HE DID! FOLKS, HE IS IN DANGER!!

I ask that people PLEASE share this post and reblog it!!

#windblume rambles #little psa #psa #ensemble stars music #ensemble stars ibuki #ibuki taki #enstars akatsuki #akatsuki #enstars keito #enstars kuro #enstars souma #enstars Ibuki #kuro kiryu #souma kanzaki #keito hasumi #reblog the shit out of this #please share #enstars drama

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ktcznsky · 27 days ago

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I'm sorry if my blog has become very politicized, but considering that my favourite game is about the Cold War and that my biggest interest so far is history, it's very difficult to disassociate these topics from politics. I don't care what political ideology you think I follow, it's something I don't plan to share in the near future.

Having explained that, I'm going to explain why I hate Adler and anything related to the CIA, therefore, why I am worry that a part of this fandom is becoming an endless tangle of disinformation about the Cold War and the washing of the CIA's image. It's not a blog specifically made to discredit anyone, rather I think it's a good introduction for anyone who is a fan of Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War and wants to have more historical context about the plot, and also about my opinion about it.

All the information that I will share here was taken both from books that I own, and from articles on the subject.

Also English is not my first language so probably you will see many grammatical errors and most of the information I'm going to reference will be in Spanish.

No, I don't have the excuse that it's just a game when obviously the story of this one is inclined to a very specific position. It's not like it's a non-politicized game like Minecraft would be. The main plot of the game is about a group hired by the CIA to stop a secret organization operated mostly by Soviets that wants to take down the West, in this way, the Americans illegally infiltrate several countries and commit crimes within them. That in itself sounds super-political and morally questionable.

To me, Adler is the image of everything America wants in a model citizen; a man, white, blond, soldier and loyal to the country. It's literally America turned into a man. His morality is obviously questionable, but the fact that he is so loyal to the CIA even knowing what the organization does make to me a very negative point of the character. Both the U.S. government and its intelligence and defense agencies are imperialist and do not care about anything in order not to admit defeat. This is something we could notice with the beginning of the Vietnam War in 1955.

The only reason I can find the fact that most of you ignore, do not know or normalize all this information is because of the CIA and FBI program where they have spent decades investing millions of dollars to control, recruit and finance university professors from all over the world, both within their own borders and abroad. You can find more detailed information about this in the book entitled "Spy Schools: How the CIA, the FBI and Foreign Intelligence Exploit America's Universities". I, on the other hand, will summarize it as best I can; In recent years, schools have become a disturbing line of fire for espionage, trying to recruit allies and gain access to sensitive military hardware. The FBI and CIA look for their sources in international students and faculty with close connections to government, business, and technology. Even a former Pentagon agent admitted that professors, graduates and even students are coveted by all sides, and that universities are the best places to "recruit" and that they favor intelligence work. This type of relationship between the academic and intelligence worlds translates into more or less rigged conferences, a perfect environment for recruitment. Sending their own agents or organizing everything from the shadows, from private companies, since they do not want the name of the CIA to appear anywhere. In some cases, they organize "fake" meetings with the sole motive of reaching a potential defector from an enemy country. Conferences in academia are very important because it is where these "intellectuals" exchange information. If any of that information is rigged to swing to what one organization wants, it results in many of the people who attended the conference believing what they say and then doling this information out to their students or co-workers. This basically translates into the fact that they have been rigging the teachings promoted by dozens or hundreds of teachers around the world for decades. Teachings that you or I can easily receive in the present, past or future. This program is not something that died at the end of the Cold War, but resurfaced more strongly than before after 9/11.

Returning to the subject of the Vietnam War. Vietnam was the most humiliating defeat the United States had against a communist country, but within the game they tried to make it look like the United States was winning, even more, making it appear that what they were doing within a territory that they invaded was correct (although obviously what we saw were memories of Adler implanted inside Bell's head and not as such canon, but in other games of the Black Ops saga we can see the same, since other characters such as Woods, Mason and Hudson were also in Vietnam). In this case, what Hanoi Hannah said in her broadcast in South Vietnam for the American troops were truths, and not just propaganda to lower morale. It really was like that. U.S. troops in South Vietnam were ill-informed of the development of the war. The high command did not communicate the truth to them, many of them believed they were winning, when in fact they were not. They died in vain for a country that does not care about the integrity of its citizens.

"Nothing is more confused than to be ordered into a war to die or to be maimed for life without the faintest idea of what’s going on.", was one of the things Hanoi Hannah said in her broadcasts.

The United States could not win the war and still dragged it out for 20 years because of its pride, reputation and money. The Vietnam War lasted from November 1, 1955, to April 30, 1975. War is good business and the United States knows it, there is a reason why it has been at war with low-income countries for decades. The most recent have been against Libya, Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan. We can see a pattern in these four countries.

And another thing to note, the Vietnamese army did not have as many resources as the Americans did. Most of them were not even capable of war. They were people who were trying to defend their territory. The Viet Cong army was made up mostly of peasants. The United States invaded their crops and they had no choice but to defend themselves. An example of this was the Mỹ Lai massacre, a war crime that consisted of the mass murder of civilians by U.S. troops. Vietnam represented the high point of the struggle for national liberation of the colonial peoples. I'm very sorry, but I can't defend or want characters related to something like that. My morals prevent me from doing so.

Vietnam since long before the war was an oppressed and colonized country. Its conquest began in 1859 and ended in 1888, being renamed French Indochina, along with Cambodia and Laos. I'm not going to explain the whole history of Vietnam because that would be too long, but you just need to know that the anti-colonial movement in Vietnam had been expanding since long before 1930. Communist expansion in Vietnam was the only way they had to free themselves from imperialism and the only reason the U.S. intervened during the revolution was because they wanted to prevent communist expansion in Southeast Asia. Dude, are you going to tell me that instead of being happy that a people is achieving independence, you go and ally yourself with the French colonizers and create a fucking war against them just because you don't like that what motivated them to the revolution was communism? Call me crazy, but I'm totally against it.

If you go to Google and search for the definition of the MK Ultra you will get this:

Project MK Ultra, sometimes referred to as the CIA's mind control program, is the code name given to a secret and illegal program designed and executed by the United States Central Intelligence Agency for experimentation on human beings, without their proper consent.

It was a CIA project, it was not something they didn't know about or chose to ignore. It was something financed by them, and for what? To ruin people's lives? Because this project ruined the lives of many people. Not only of the victims, but also of the relatives. The CIA only cares about winning, no matter the methods, the consent, the integrity of its citizens, nothing.

I'll attach a video analyzing and explaining what happened to the survivors of the project in case you don't want to read more than you should:

youtube

Even Theodore Kaczynski, also known as the Unabomber, was part of this project, but not as a victim, but as one of the researchers within the project. In his manifesto we can highlight that one of the breaking points for him was due to the project.

From the beginning of the CIA, these were built on disinformation and sabotage. There are thousands and thousands of declassified documents about the CIA involved in a myriad of things that, if they really wanted to protect peace, to overthrow imperialism and fascism, they would not have done. Such as the hunt and murder of Monika Ertl or their involvement in the execution of Che Guevara. That although Che Guevara was not the best person in the world, we must admit that he understood what the people of South America were going through and only wanted the liberation of the oppressed peoples, as Fidel Castro wanted with his Cuban people. Che Guevara was an enemy of imperialism and the United States is supposed to have been too. And as for the assassination attempts on Fidel Castro, in which Frank Woods said he was involved in one of these in an in-game dialogue, it's something I can't understand either. Can someone explain to me if they see more than 600 assassination attempts on a man who only wanted the liberation and improvement of his people as normal? Fidel Castro was not even a communist at the beginning of the revolution. The CIA portrayed him as a communist dictator when it was the fault of the United States that Castro "proclaimed" himself a communist. Literally the only reason Fidel Castro said his revolution was a socialist revolution is because the U.S. ran over him to do it. Fidel never believed entirely in ideology. He was an opportunist and saw in communism an opportunity to defeat the United States with the help of other socialist powers. The one who really believed in the ideology was Che Guevara, assassinated with the help of the CIA on October 9, 1967 in Bolivia when he tried to start a revolution, in which we remember that Bolivia was being oppressed at that time. Many of Cuba's communist policies were implemented by Che, not Fidel. And Cuba's current situation is not even Fidel's fault, but the United States and its embargo operation that began in 1958. The only reason Cuba didn't end up the way it is now much earlier was because of the Soviet Union and its aid to Cuba. Castro did everything possible to keep his people free, but the United States prevented it in every possible way.

I don't think Adler is a Nazi just because he worked in the CIA, but there is a very big possibility that he collaborated with Nazis during his service in the CIA, since in 2001 the CIA published 10.000 documents acknowledging how the Americans "reconverted" without hesitation a whole series of agents who served Adolf Hitler for the espionage offensive generated during the Cold War. Which makes me think that it would not be strange if one of the dozens of researchers within the multiple laboratories spread throughout the United States of the MK Ultra project had been a Nazi, although this has not been confirmed, since many of the research documents were destroyed by order of the director of the CIA in 1973.

If you live in Spain you will know the famous case of Otto Skorzeny, who went into exile in Spain and lived there comfortably while organizing for the CIA the Carlos V Legion, an army of renegades and veterans of the Third Reich ready to assault the USSR. There are many theories that the CIA had a lot to do with the politics of Spain and the terrorism experienced between the 70s and 90s, although clearly this is not entirely confirmed.

These are not even isolated cases. It's not as if the CIA just did it once, there are thousands and thousands of cases, and there are still thousands and thousands of undeclassified documents that God knows they will contain.

After all this rambling, I am going to attach some of the human rights violations that the CIA has committed since the founding of its organization.

Clandestine detention centers (Black Sites), war crimes and extraordinary surrender. They sent prisoners to be tortured by other governments. Admitted by Bush in 2006. In this case, the destruction of the CIA interrogation videos in 2005 also occurred. There were many tapes in which they applied "enhanced interrogation techniques," a euphemism for torture. In 2007, Red Cross investigators concluded in a secret report that interrogation methods applied to al-Qaeda members could lead to the Bush administration officials who approved this being accused of war crimes. Extraordinary rendition is the process by which a prisoner is clandestinely transferred from the place where he was captured to an interrogation center in a country not subject to the restrictions of U.S. law.

Police training for countries with problems of terrorism and drug trafficking. The training and equipping of this police included Iran, Vietnam, Brazil, and other countries; those who were involved in torture, murder, and suppression of legitimate political activity. The training was provided to the so-called anti-communist regimes, regardless of whether or not they were dictatorships. The CIA's training included topics such as counterinsurgency techniques, the use of weapons and communist ideology. This also meant, in practice, the increased control that the armed forces of the host countries exercised over the police. The relationship between ICITAP, OPDAT and the CIA. ICITAP was being used by the CIA to recruit agents from among foreign law enforcement officials. Difficulties in determining costs and scope of assistance.

MK Ultra. On April 13, 1953, Allen Welsh Dulles, who was then director of the CIA, launched the program called MK Ultra, under the leadership of Sidney Gottlieb. Their goal was the development of drugs for mind control. The experiments were conducted on living humans, often without their knowledge or consent. In 1964, the name of the project, known from that date as MK SEARCH, was changed. In 1973, the records of the MK Ultra project were deliberately destroyed on the orders of Richard Helms, who was then director of the CIA. Because of such destruction, it has proved difficult and in many cases impossible to have complete information on the more than 150 separately funded research subprojects sponsored by MK Ultra and other CIA programs.

Targeted killings. It is the crime that a state organization or institution commits against an individual, in a premeditated manner, outside of legal proceedings or the battlefield and often after the development of intelligence actions. The CIA has admitted to knowing, providing support or being involved in assassination attempts or assassinations actually committed, of foreign political leaders such as Fidel Castro, Patrice Lumumba, Ngo Dinh Diem, Abd al-Karim Qasim or Rafael Trujillo. In this case it applies to the example I gave earlier of Monika Ertl. There are a lot of names attached to this point that I prefer to omit, as there are too many and it would be impossible for me to add them all.

As a final part, I want to add the issue of late capitalism in post-Soviet countries. This is a little-known topic, as the problems of non-Western countries are often very little known and poorly informed, and were overshadowed by many other events during that time.

As a way of summing it up a lot, late capitalism is a term popularized by the Belgian Marxist Ernest Mandel, although it was first used by Werner Sombart in 1902. This term describes the stage of capitalism characterized by the expansion of the process of accumulation(increase in machinery, plants, education, training, professional development, experience, etc.), internationalization(division of a company's production processes into different countries to lower costs, gain market, have better supply or better state policies in favor of transnational corporations) and centralization of capital(wealth is concentrated in a small group of capitalists), the introduction of automation in production and the reduction of the turnover time of capital. This for post-Soviet countries was mostly chaos, since the economy and the people could not keep up with this industrialization, since late capitalism not only affected the capital of the country, but also colonized the economic, social, education, art, science, history, architecture and etc. sphere of the population.

The fall of the Soviet Union was a misfortune for many and a victory for others. The euphoria that some of the ex-Soviet countries once had when the Soviet Union fell, ended up turning into pessimism and misfortune, since many of these supposedly promising countries ended up becoming anti-liberal and even authoritarian governments.

While the countries of Eastern Europe are, in fact, richer today than they were in 1989, achieving that situation entailed immense economic suffering and social dislocation: the transition to capitalism generated the largest and longest-lasting economic collapse to affect any region of the world in modern history. It should also be remembered that in 1989, the Soviet Union was going through an economic and social crisis, so the assessment is not very fair. For this reason, we should not always rely on assessments based on simple measures, we must also understand the context within countries during the aforementioned times. During this transition, more than 10 Eastern European countries suffered an increase in poverty never experienced before, even when they were part of the Soviet Union they had never suffered anything like it. 45% of the population lived on the threshold of extreme poverty on less than 5€ a day.

Inequality of income and wealth skyrocketed, resulting in the transition, a very marked division between social classes. It would be one thing to plunge into extreme poverty for the first time, but it's quite another to suffer it while watching people around you living with wealth never seen before.

On top of all this, emigration, alcohol consumption, death and crime rates (both homicides, suicides, heart disease and etc.) skyrocketed in these countries. Fertility also plummeted. Many Eastern European countries experienced demographic declines similar to, or even greater than, those experienced by countries involved in major wars. It was undoubtedly unprecedented.

Have you ever read a sentence similar to he have sadness in his eyes you can only find in East European gay porn? This peculiar phrase to describe a specific type of look in men comes because of this, the late capitalism in these countries and the desperate need of many people (in this case young men) to earn money and get ahead. This is a very good example of the desperate situation that all these countries were going through at that time. You can find more information about this in this article that I am going to attach:

And this is where you are going to ask me; What do I want to get at with all this information, and, what does all this have to do with the United States? As is well known, the Cold War era was a time of espionage, sabotage and paranoia among many countries, the United States having its main focus on the Soviet Union, when it finally fell, they were the first to intervene in the countries in which it was divided to force them in one way or another to become capitalist, and more importantly, to turn all these countries against each other. The reason why today we can see that many people in these countries hate anything related to communism and the Soviets is because of the strong intervention that the United States had in them. A similar case could be found in the intervention of the United States throughout Latin America for centuries. The disinformation campaign they had in these Eastern European countries was immense and in the end, successful. My theory of why people (mostly young people) in these countries associate extreme poverty with the Soviets is because of what they suffered in the transition to capitalism, believing that this was the way they lived when the Soviet Union was still standing. Let's think that 34 years have passed since the fall of it. It could also be because of the great program of decommunization that some of these countries had, turning them in some way radically against anything related to communism. The biggest example could be the decommunization in Ukraine, where they went so far as to ban any communist symbols, historical people related to them, books and etc. Reaching the point of arresting people.

The United States intervened in these countries with tactics such as alleged humanitarian aid and admissions to international organizations because of the extreme situation they were suffering. In this way they blackmailed and bought off several governments.

I added this point to give an example that even though the Cold War ended, the United States did not stop its tactics and interventions in other countries.

As a point in the topic; between 1946 and 2000, the United States tried to influence 81 foreign elections, comparing it to other countries such as USSR/Russia, with 36 attempts to influence, we can note that the number is much higher.

In conclusion, I want to remind you that this blog is informative. I have written some of my opinions and theories, but I have done that in an easy to understand way so that you do not think that it is part of what really happened, but to imply that it is a personal opinion. I don't try to influence the opinions of others or impose my own on others. Nor did I try at any time to aggrandize the Soviet Union, excuse its actions and much less say that the characters from Perseus organization in the videogame were innocents. Rather, I try to give a broader point of view of the events that occurred at that time, focused on the United States, since as I said at the beginning, I have seen people talk in a worrying way about these issues without even fully knowing what happened and also because the country is one of the main focuses of the plot of the game. Maybe in the future I'll do another blog explaining in depth about the Soviet Union and what I think was what pushed the Perseus organization to form and do everything they did.

My biggest mistake so far is to be so naïve as to think that there are people interested in knowing history and avoiding making the same mistakes of the past or understanding in any way the context of the world around us. If we turn off the empathy switch, we will stop being human.

#call of duty cold war #black ops cold war #cold war era #cod cw #call of duty #russell adler #ussr #united states #history #vietnam war #mk ultra

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lordofmelancholy · 9 days ago

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Arcane Silent Frontiers: Timebomb and Parenthood PTIIII: Sevika's Reaction

Part 3 Here

Oh begrudging “Auntie Sevika. . .” It should come of no surprise to anyone, that despite her rather irritable and genuinely no nonsense type of nature, that the degree of care Sevika has for those she considers allies or even friends is greatly remarkable and, to be quite frank, highly admirable and that such goes even doubly for her relations in SF.

SF Sevika is no different than her normal Arcane counterpart. Her loyalty still stands strong though only in SF does it stand strongly for characters that in the show we could only speculate due to the limited/no interactions she shares with them.

As it stands in SF, Sevika basically takes on the act of the begrudging “Aunt” so to speak. Oftentimes for Arcane, people often HC about her relationship with the kids (Vi and Jinx/Powder) growing up when she was in the company of Vander. One such headcanon often involves her as being the one who taught Vi to originally fight before Sevika had ultimately defaulted to Silco when she was with Vander.

This is shown by the line where she said “you never learned patience” to Vi during their fight scene and perhaps could also shed some light and also explain the "traitor" line Vi throws at Sevika as well.

However in SF the relationship Sev has with both Vander and everyone else is far more amicable, and far less tense and strained. Essentially in SF, Sevika stands as an old war buddy of Vander's that had long been estranged from the family for a while.

While it is unclear the reasons for their prior estrangement, Sevika nonetheless holds (though only a fraction) of loyalty left towards Vander. As a result of this loyalty, following the man’s disappearance, Sevika eventually steps up as a sort of mentor towards both Vi and Jinx, and when Vi herself goes missing, towards both Ekko and Jinx.

Over the years as a result, Sevika takes on a role between a mentor and a follower and is often at the tail end of many of their shenanigans, especially towards Jinx’s who she had long taken upon herself to look out for following Vanders disappearance as seemingly a final act of deference towards him. Similar to Scar in a way, Sevika stands as second-in-command, but also as a result much like Scar, end’s up putting up with a LOT of their shit. While many years their senior, there's not a day where Jinx doesn’t drive her up the wall's.

The introduction of Isha into their lil “Found Family” came as a shock to Sevika. What came as even more of a shock however, is the apparent closeness the two would gain to have. This kid, more than once, proved that she was a lot more than what Sevika initially wrote her off as. She's resourceful, she’s quiet, she listens, (sometimes), but more so to the point, Isha gives back to Sevika what Sevika never knew actually bothered her to loose.

Which was how much of both Jinx and Vi and the other's growing up she had missed. And how much of the concept of family she had missed in the pursuit of a better Zaun.

Sev had always been soul torn; a woman fiercely loyal to her roots yet also frightened of them. A woman who's said roots built her to be as steadfast and stubborn and unwavering as the caverns and rocky foundations that made up the Zaunite mountains. A woman that even despite how rotten those roots were, had always tried tirelessly to better her home. Money sent to foundations run by Zaunite officials for kids stuck in the mines, for those affected by the mines through generational works of its deep, unforgiving depths.

She’s also tried the lesser legal means as well from time to time, smuggling, drug trafficking, and even the occasional beating of Piltie and Noxian boot-lickers that come and try to exploit the old, sacred places; those that build the backbones of Zaun and it’s history.

Everything she ever did she did for Zaun.

Even if truthfully, she never tried to stay. As shocking as it was to admit, helping Zaun prior to the event's of SF often meant Sevika had to stay away. And though it may often brought pain and shame to ever have to admit that, she often believed staying away was the best thing.

But the place never let go. People often made a joke about the town being cursed. It was a long standing gag partially due to the phenomena of those once born in it being seemingly unable to leave. Zaun after all had always had a bad habit of always latching onto the poor souls born here. And often it was, that one way or another it always found it fitting to drag those who tried to leave back to its bedrock roots to act as their grave. Few ever wished to stay there, though many did due to an apparent loyalty. But even those with good intentions toward the town; those who often tried to better it, to once again make it feel like a home, often also felt as though that nothing they ever did changed anything, and tragically Sevika had become one of them. When Vander went back ultimately, Sevika did not follow. In fact she often rarely ever went back to that place, that hell, this home of hers.

She returns to see each kid that is born and taken into Vander's little pack; visiting long enough to give valuable advice of 'get out while ya can, brat,' and promptly leg it out of there hoping that her words were enough. As a result however of this routine, Vi, Jinx and all the other kids close to Vander often knew Sevika as the “Aunt” who often disappeared randomly for months at a time and then come back at like 4am one random night out of the blue, and all were used to that routine.

But it was also around that time as well when Vander and her began to have their falling out. Sev often grew frustrated with his passive approach to a lot of issues stemming around Zaun. Sevika's allegiance to Zaun itself, not individuals, often set her apart from Vander. And she could never understand how such a staunch supporter for Zaun could seemingly “turn his back on it”.

Despite this however, Sevika and Vander remained “friendly" so to speak, though they often lost contact with each other for a while from time to time. Until one day, when Zaun finally calls her back in the form of a phone call. "No man/woman left behind” as they often always said in the army, and it’s that phone call from Vander that has her coming back to make sure the rest of them are safe. That sends her home

And Zaun is thus where she becomes stuck; trapped within the mountainous region that was her birthplace like so many others had become. . .and it’s also here, where she begins to understand. When she begins to form a bond with Isha, Sevika begins to understand Vander just a little bit more, not by much but by something. But the true acknowledgement doesn’t come until after the baby shows up.

Sevika remembers that night.

Her on her way to her quarters after a particularly grueling day. Ready to get some peace and quiet and relaxation; some much needed R&R in her room.

Except when she walks in. She instead finds that her quarters are occupied. She find’s Isha, doodling about on some old piece of yellowing paper. But that’s normal, because Isha had always had a tendency much like Jinx to sneak in. Though the reasons for such break-ins were highly different. It's instead the fact that it’s really late that confuses her, Isha never comes this late, never stays this late.

“What are you do-”

She looks around, and she notices her bed. Accidental chalk markings and shavings all over her nicely maintained sheets and cot. Something that she would normally grit her teeth over, knowing how often in the past she had lost sheets to Jinx’s similar antic’s.

But her teeth are far from together.

No no, in fact instead her jaw is dropped right there, because it’s not the chalk that catches her line of sight. Instead it is an honest to God's, gurgling, small baby. And for a moment she gapes, blinks. Darts looks between a seemingly disinterested Isha back towards the baby, watching as the babe looks up wide-eyed but seemingly also disinterested when Isha finally makes a move before Sev can say anything, showing her a lil' crude sketched out depiction of-

"Oh, goddammit," The sight of the drawing makes her come out of her stupor. For right in the middle of that drawing, is a pale figure with long blue hair holding hands with a dark figure with short white hair. Each holding separate hands to two smaller figures that looked very much a lot like her bed's current occupants.

Isha doesn’t do or say much. In fact she seems a lot less shocked about this whole thing then Sevika does. Sevika on the other hand. Well she’s going through the five stages of grief all at once. She remembers blankly confronting both Ekko and Jinx when the pair magically return a few minutes later,

('When you say you're going on scav runs, I expect actual supplies, not for you BOTH to pull a Vander and adopt a horde of ankle biters.)

But as the night wanes on, and Ekko and Jinx finally sit the fuck down and explain the situation, Sevika reluctantly comes to terms with it relatively quickly. Knowing that deep down there will be nothing for her to say or do to change either of their minds. They both have the same look in their eye that Vander once did when they take the baby back from her, and she knows once they have that look that it’s a lost cause. They ain’t giving that baby up, and she doesn’t expect them too.

And as the night turns cold enough to need the heat on suddenly and when all five of them are sitting about, enjoying the warmth and silence save for the little sleepy grunts and coo’s that emanate from Ekko’s arm, Sev stares quietly. And when all of them besides Sevika fall asleep, including Isha who take’s up the spot next to her leaning up against her side, Sev stares some more and take’s a look around.

And as she watches.

as she stares.

She remembers.

She remembers instances like this when she would visit Vander and Vander would be so preoccupied with a toddler on his lap or something similar that he would yield to a disagreement in a way seemingly unheard of.

And as the night continues to churn, Sevika does something she’s never truly ever done willingly before. She moves Isha over to let her lay against the arm of the couch, and she stands up. She gets up and she stands in front of Ekko. Jinx is dead to the world, snoring softly and drooling against Ekko’s arm.

But Ekko on the other hand is just slightly dozed. He hears as well as feels the vibrations of Sev’s feet as they pad up to the front of him and when he cracks an eye open he notices she’s standing in front looking down at him. He’s happy they have all learned to talk without having to open their mouths up. One look in Sevika’s eye is enough to tell him anything he needs to know though she often swears up and down that she’s unreadable. He shifts up, just enough to push himself off the back of the couch without waking Jinx up, and he holds his crooked arm’s up.

“Knew you’d come around” he says softly, and all Sev does is grunt in response with that typical twitch of her nose she does whenever she doesn’t like something said. But the twitch is half-assed when she bends down and scoops up the tiny bundle from Ekko’s arms. There’s a nervousness in her touch. Steady hesitancy. Nearly uncharacteristic. The last time she ever held an infant, her arm was still built of bone and made of flesh and that had been years ago.

Now it’s cold and it's rough and impersonal, but Ekko still hand’s the baby over to her with no care seemingly towards that. And when Sevika finally settles the baby comfortably enough on her arm and sits back, she stares down. Can see the tender, fragile skin and know it for the rose-leaf softness that invites a finger's touch. The round-cheeked flesh wobbly as custard, the boneless splay and ball of the tiny hands. But the baby sleeps and soon so does Ekko, only much more deeply this time.

And when the room is silent once more, save for the ticking of heat and the sleepy grunts and coo’s, Sev stares. Stares between them all. Isha, only partially awoken by the shifting of the couch, smiles-pouts at her from the other side. And the burst of a sudden strange warmth Sev feels seeing that when she notices is one she’s not totally familiar with. But as she takes in the view; of her own small gang of stray’s, she begins to realize what it is.

Finally. . .she understands him. . .

Took her long enough.

_ _ _ oh the joys of learning what home really is.

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aroaceleovaldez · 1 year ago

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in your most recent tyson post, you said something about leo being distinctly autistic-coded and I was wondering if you could elaborate on that? it sounds really interesting (sorry if you've already posted something on this, I couldn't find anything though)

Of course! I do have a specific tag for talking about Leo's autistic-coding/traits - [here], and [one for Nico as well].

The main aspects with Leo being autistic-coded actually have a lot to do with Nico being autistic-coded, because it's the comparisons between the two that most clearly indicate Leo is autistic-coded rather than it just being his ADHD or etc.

So with Nico being autistic-coded, it's very clear in the Titan's Curse that he's intended to be autistic. First, the first series has a repeating pattern of secondary characters being very distinctly neurodivergent-coded in different ways (Annabeth's adhd/dyslexia, Tyson's down syndrome-coding, Nico's autism-coding). With Nico's introduction, he's pretty stereotypically autistic and we're given a lot of descriptors about him that are notably not attributed to him being ADHD, like it would be for other demigod characters. He doesn't register social cues such as people getting annoyed at him, he's asking/making inappropriate or impolite questions/comments, he gets particularly upset about change (such as Bianca joining the Hunt) and generally gets emotional, and one of his most notable traits he's introduced with is the fact that he has a special interest (MythoMagic) - and we're shown that this special interest particularly colors how Nico navigates the world. While ADHD has hyperfixations, we don't really get much acknowledgement of hyperfixations with demigods usually - Annabeth gets a little, but most others don't and it's not nearly as focused-in on as Nico's is.

Then as the series continues we see these traits stick with him and him start to show or voice more traits that similarly indicate he's autistic: He regularly mentions how he doesn't understand living people and prefers the company of the dead (social issues). He has more notable stims than other demigods (twisting his ring, fiddling with bones, etc). He's indicated to have strong sensory preferences (usually wearing mostly black/aversion to bright colors, usually wearing layers/his coat, multiple times he's described as wearing loose/baggy clothing or clothes too big for him). He has specific comfort items (his ring, likely his jacket(s) as well). We later get even more information about his special interests (Mythomagic/mythology/history and an older interest in pirates - the latter he specifically notes likely heavily influenced his feelings towards Percy). He struggles with emotions and facial expressions and tone. He struggles particularly with ostracism and feeling like he doesn't fit in and has something distinctly different about him from the people around him (who notably, all have ADHD, which indicates it isn't the ADHD that's making him feel that way), and other characters regularly describe him as being off-putting because of his strange behaviors - again, different from specific ADHD traits they recognize. And that last point is kind of notable because we have Hazel and Bianca for comparison - we know people are off-put by both Nico and Hazel because of being children of Hades/Pluto and their powers/aura, but other characters get past that general feeling of discomfort way faster with Hazel. And even after characters get past the death stuff with Nico, there's a second thing that they aren't moving past that isn't a factor with Hazel (Nico's autism).

So that brings us to Leo - Leo is paralleled to Nico a lot. And there's some very specific traits about him that we know are autistic-coding because of how they're used with Nico: He similarly struggles with social cues/etc, and in a very similar parallel to Nico describes how he prefers the company of machines to people because machines make more sense to him. He has similar types of clothing/sensory preferences (again some stuff with layers but also - pockets! He likes having pockets and things to put stuff in! He's even introduced as having a jacket with lots of pockets), and he has a distinct special interest (machinery) that we specifically know heavily influences how he views and navigates the world (constantly comparing things to machinery, describing things with machinery metaphors/terminology, etc etc). He even describes his entire general worldview to Hazel and it's a machine metaphor. He also similarly struggles with ostracization like Nico does, the only difference being that Leo specifically puts on a persona to compensate for areas he knows he's lacking in and very explicitly describes it as a means to make people like him, because without it he normally struggles to fit in (He's masking!). We also see notes of characters describing that similar discomfort with Leo's behaviors that they do with Nico, except without the aura of death this time. And when we're in Leo's POVs we see a very stark difference between his masking and his actual personality/behaviors such as his internal dialogues or how he behaves when he's alone. Also, like Nico, he stims more than other demigods, though for Leo it's more attributed to his ADHD. Leo also, more often than most, similarly struggles with tone and reading the room, such as making misplaced jokes/comments or etc.

But yeah! It's really interesting. Also it's just a fun thing that ADHD/dyslexia and autism have comorbidity, so it makes sense that we see demigods who are also autistic. It's also really fun to look at how other characters are coded in the series, what coding looks like in the riordanverse specifically (usually it's tied into the mythological stuff - like Chiron being in a wheelchair but he's actually a centaur, Grover being introduced as having a muscular disease but he's actually a satyr, demigods having adhd/dyslexia, Tyson being coded as having down syndrome but he's a cyclops, etc etc - it's a lot of specific metaphor stuff that I've talked about a bit before), and to look at how characters are compared to one another.

#pjo #riordanverse #leo valdez #nico di angelo #autistic nico #autistic leo #autism #analysis #Anonymous #ask #long post //#woof sorry that got long #im very passionate about this topic #re: characters being paralleled #Ms. ''Constantly Neutral - No Emotions'' Reyna looking at Nico stimming in the exact same way she does (twisting ring)#and internally going ''We have a lot in common. I don't know how I feel about that.'' is one of my favorites.#like. reyna. ma'am. you might be autistic. good luck with that.#with the pattern of coding in the first series i do suspect Rachel has some coding as well but i haven't been able to pinpoint what it is #I think it may be the whole seer thing and the fact that she could see the future #even before becoming the oracle/despite being a mortal rather than a demigod (who just get rare prophetic dreams normally)#and in BoTL her entire thing is that she's able to see things that no one else can and that's how they navigate the maze #particularly also with how the labyrinth is treated/how it affects people within it (see: Chris)#and how the only other seer in the first series - May - is characterized and her coding compared to Rachel's #also something something the seer traits become more prominent once Rachel meets Percy #something something metaphor about only being able to recognize neurodivergency traits once you're familiar with them #so Rachel meets Percy = introduction to the community > Rachel recognizes her own traits/symptoms > gets a support system (oracle)

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sadnymi · 1 year ago

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「 ✦ The Alchemy.✦ 」

[Quidditch player Lorenzo Berkshire× famous!reader][ttpdm]

Summary:Lorenzo and Y/N shared a mischievous history during their Hogwarts days, often causing accidents and playing pranks. Years later, they crossed paths again as the most renowned figures in the wizarding world, sparking intriguing developments.

Warnings:fluff, toxic past relationship x smut.

Words:6k.

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯.

The Daily Prophet's Patronus Parchment magazine:

Sparks Fly in Paris? Y/N Y/L/N Dines with Quidditch Star Lorenzo Berkshire!: Hogwarts Reunion or Something More?

Paris, France -Love was in the air in the City of Lights last night! Our very own golden girl, Y/N L/N, was spotted enjoying a cozy dinner with none other than Quidditch heartthrob Lorenzo Berkshire at a quaint Parisian bistro.

Fans were quick to recognize that Y/N and Lorenzo were Hogwarts classmates, though their paths haven't crossed publicly since their school days. But based on the lively conversation and lingering smiles captured by our eagle-eyed correspondent, their Parisian rendezvous seemed far from a casual catch-up.

Y/N, a multi-talented powerhouse, needs no introduction. From captivating social media influencer, fashion icon and model to brilliant researcher and entrepreneur, she's an inspiration to witches and wizards worldwide. The Ministry of Magic even considers her one of the brightest minds in our time! Y/N with no doubt is the it girl of our generation

Lorenzo Berkshire, has stolen hearts on the Quidditch pitch with his dazzling plays and undeniable charm. As a Chaser for the The Montrose Magpies , he's considered one of the most exciting players of his generation. known as the "most lovable boy in the wizarding world," and it seems he might have just charmed his way into our girl Y/N's company.

A Match Made in Magical Heaven? Could this Parisian rendezvous be the start of something more? The thought of these two brilliant minds and captivating personalities joining forces has the magical world abuzz. Imagine the power couple they would be!

Neither Y/N nor Lorenzo have commented on the nature of their meeting. Were they reminiscing about Hogwarts days, or is there a spark of something new brewing? Only time will tell!

One thing's for sure:This unexpected reunion has ignited the flames of curiosity. We'll be keeping our eyes peeled for any further developments!

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

when the magazine mentioned a special guest for the next photoshoot, but I wasn't fazed. They usually paired me with actors or other celebrities. Just when the office door swung open, revealing Lorenzo Berkshire himself standing beside the manager. My smile widened involuntarily, mirroring his own surprised delight.

"Y/L/N," he greeted with a charming smile, taking a seat across from me.

"Berkshire," I replied, a wave of nostalgia washing over me. We weren't exactly close in school, but we had a shared history – one I wouldn't soon forget. The memory of him accidentally ruining my dress and land spectacularly on top of me, readily came to mind. And who could forget the time I broke his Quidditch broom before that important match?

"Congratulations," I blurted out, remembering his recent victory. He'd just clinched the European League trophy, the most coveted prize in the magical sporting world, along with the title of Best Player in the League. World Champion and the best of his generation – it was a well-deserved title.

"Thanks," he smile, "and congratulations on… everything, honestly. Is there anything you can't do?"

My laugh echoed through the room."Probably stopping you from ruining my Yule Ball dress and dance," I teased.

"Ouch, low blow," he chuckled.

Our manager chimed in then, "Since you two already know each other, and are practically the biggest names in the wizarding world right now, we thought it would be perfect to have you do a double photoshoot together!"

Lorenzo and I exchanged glances, then simultaneously nodded. "Sure, no problem with me," I said.

"Me too, I'd actually really love that," he added, his voice surprisingly husky. I felt a blush creep up my cheeks as I stole another glance at him.

"Great! I'll iron out the details with your managers," she beamed, launching into a flurry of logistical planning. My attention, however, had become somewhat… divided. I found myself stealing glances at Lorenzo, a goofy grin plastered on my face. There was something about seeing him after all this time that made my heart skip a beat. Every time I caught his eye, he'd smile back.

As the meeting wrapped up, Lorenzo held the door open for me with a gentlemanly gesture. "Thanks," I smiled, a warmth spreading through me.

"Do you have anything to do now?" he asked.

I shook my head, a smile tugging at my lips. "Not really. I have the day off."

"Great, so can I get you a coffee?" His suggestion was simple, yet the way he asked, made my heart skip a beat.

"Yes, sure," I agreed readily.

Paris, with its timeless charm, never failed to enchant me. Yet, on this particular day, the city's magic paled in comparison to the warmth radiating from Lorenzo. He led me into a quaint little coffee shop, a hidden gem tucked away from the bustling crowds. The cozy atmosphere instantly calmed my nerves.

Fame – a double-edged sword. Places like this were a luxury sometimes.

Sipping on our steaming hot chocolates, we fell into conversation easily. I congratulated him on his recent victory, the European League trophy a much-deserved achievement.

"Being on the best team now, that's huge," I said, genuinely impressed. "I mean what I want to say is you really did it, Lorenzo." The pride in my voice surprised even me.

He met my gaze for a moment, his smile softening. "You too," he replied. "I might tease my teammates about knowing you from school, but honestly?"

"No way" i smiled.

He chuckled. "Almost half of them follow your Instagram like lovesick teenagers."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Seriously?"

"Absolutely. You're kind of a big deal, Y/N."

"Well, you're not doing so bad yourself, Mr. Champion," I countered, playfully returning the compliment. "you're quite the charmer yourself, Half the girls I work with seem to have graced the arms of a Quidditch star at some point you have a thing for models?”

His hand reaching up to brush something off my cheek. My heart skipped a beat as his fingers grazed my skin. "Just a little something..."

He held up a chocolate smudge from my hot chocolate. Relief washed over me, quickly replaced by a warmth that spread through my cheeks.

"Just a coincidence," he said, a hint of amusement in his voice.

"We call that a 'type,'" I teased, trying to mask my fluster.

He chuckled again. "What about that actor? What was his name… Aaron?"

My smile faltered slightly. "Antonio," I corrected, a touch of bitterness creeping into my voice.

Lorenzo seemed to pick up on the shift. "Right," he said, his gaze searching mine. "He was a jerk, by the way. His movies sucks. Glad you broke up with him. You were way out of his league."

His words warmed me more than the hot chocolate. There was something about Lorenzo, something genuine and kind, that made my heart flutter in a way it never had before.

"Yeah, he was," I admitted, a genuine smile returning to my face. "Tell him that," I added playfully, "because he cheated."

Lorenzo's smile dropped. "I'm so sorry," he said, his voice sincere. "That's messed up."

"It's okay, truly," I reassured him. "I'm way over it."

The conversation flowed effortlessly from there. We reminisced about Hogwarts, teased each other about past crushes, and shared stories from our careers. Time seemed to slip away unnoticed, the afternoon sun dipping below the horizon painting the sky in hues of orange and pink.

"Let me drive you back to your hotel," Lorenzo offered, his voice gentle. The warmth in his eyes sent a familiar flutter through my chest.

The ride back was filled with laughter and easy conversation.By the time we reached my hotel, a pang of disappointment settled in my stomach.

"So," Lorenzo began, his voice hesitant as he stopped the car, "I really enjoyed today. I'm glad I met you again, Y/N."

My gaze met his, and the intensity in his eyes sent a shiver down my spine, and the playful banter of the day took a more serious turn. Looking up at him, my heart pounded a frantic rhythm against my ribs. A feeling bloomed within me – a warmth unlike anything I'd ever known.

"Me too," I whispered, my voice barely above a breath.

"I didn't want this to end here," he murmured.

My heart soared. The butterflies returned, a swarm of them taking flight in my stomach. "Me neither," I confessed, mirroring his sentiment.

A slow smile spread across his face. "Can I take you to dinner tomorrow?" he asked, his voice husky with unspoken emotions.

The world seemed to shrink to just the two of us. A wide smile bloomed on my face. "Yes," I breathed, "I'd love that."

My smile stretched wider. For the first time in a long time, I felt a genuine connection, a spark of something real.

Tipping my toes up, I leaned in and brushed a soft kiss against his cheek. His breath hitched, and a flicker of surprise crossed his features before melting into a smile.

With a final lingering look, I stepped into the elevator, As the doors closed, I couldn't help but lean back against the cool metal.

Lorenzo Berkshire. On a date. With me. The little girl inside me would have laughed hysterically at the very notion back in school.

Today, however, was anything but a joke. Today was perfect. From the fancy Parisian restaurant with its impeccable service and breathtaking view, to Lorenzo himself, with his easy charm and genuine conversation, it was a fairytale come true. By the end of the night, I couldn't deny the giddy, lovestruck teenager bubbling beneath the surface.

As we exited the restaurant, paparazzi swarmed, cameras flashing like angry fireflies. We were caught in HD.

"I really liked you back at school, you know?" he confessed as we finally reached his car, the Eiffel Tower shimmering majestically in the distance. I perched myself leaned against his luxury .

"Wait, really?" Surprise mingled with a secret delight I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge before.

"Really," he chuckled. "Though I wouldn't say I didn't mind ruining your Yule Ball dress a little."

My jaw dropped, then a laugh erupted from my lips. "So that wasn't an accident?"

"Maybe not entirely," he admitted with a sheepish grin. "Needed a reason to talk to you and stop you from dancing with that stupid boy. Besides you were always surrounded by your girls."

A blush crept up my cheeks. "I did that on purpose too being angry and act like running the dress was a big deal ," I confessed. "So you'd notice me." Schoolyard tactics, but it seemed they had worked.

The revelation hung between us for a moment, a shared secret from our past. Then, Lorenzo leaned down, his lips brushing my ear. "Well, it worked. And you, Y/N, have become even more beautiful than I ever remembered." His voice was a husky whisper, sending a rush of heat through me.”

His breath sent shivers down my spine. Before I could respond, he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me. It was a soft, hesitant touch at first, then deepened, his lips moving perfectly with mine. The world melted away, leaving only the warmth of his touch and the intoxicating feeling of him.

He finally pulled away, his eyes searching mine. My heart hammered against my ribs, my breath coming in shallow gasps.

We reached my hotel in a comfortable silence, the kiss hanging heavy in the air. Stepping out of the car, I hesitated, looking up at him.

"Do you want to come in?" The words tumbled out before I could stop them, an entirely unexpected invitation.

The moment we got into the room and the door closed, we jumped into each other, he kissed me again, pushing me up against the wall. My hands found their way to his chest, feeling the heat of his body through his shirt. His lips were soft, yet insistent, and I moaned into the kiss.

My dress rode up as he lifted me, his hands gripping my bare legs. I wrapped my legs around his waist. I could feel his hardness pressing against me, and I rocked my hips, desperate for more.

He pushed my dress up, his fingers tracing a path up my bare legs. I shivered as he reached my thighs, his fingers teasing the edge of my lace panties.

"You're so wet," he murmured, his fingers tracing the outline of my pussy through the fabric. "I can't wait to taste you."

His lips trailing down my neck. I tilted my head back, giving him better access. His stubble scratching against my skin, sending shivers down my spine. He pulled my dress over my head, leaving me standing in nothing but my matching lacy black bra and panties.

Lorenzo looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and it made me feel powerful.

I reached for his shirt, undoing the buttons slowly. I wanted to savor every moment of this, to remember every touch and every kiss.

Lorenzo helped me, shrugging out of his shirt and tossing it aside, I ran my hands over his chest, feeling the muscles ripple under my fingertips.

"Fuck, you're beautiful," he whispered, his lips finding mine again.

I moaned as he kissed me, my hands exploring his body. I could feel his hard length pressing against me, and I knew that I needed him inside of me.

"Let me show you how good I can make you feel baby."

He picked me up again, carrying me to the bed. He laid me down gently, his body covering mine. I could feel his hardness pressing against my core, and I rocked my hips, desperate for friction.

He kissed me again, his tongue exploring my mouth. I met his tongue with mine, our kiss growing more passionate.

"I want to leave marks all over your body. Can you handle it?" I nodded in response and pulled him to another kiss.

He trailed his lips down my body, his hands cupping my breasts.

"I've been thinking about this all day.“ He squeezed them gently, his thumbs brushing over my nipples. I arched my back, pressing my breasts into his hands.

He took one nipple into his mouth, sucking and biting gently. I arched my back, moaning with pleasure. He moved to the other breast, giving it the same attention. I cried out, my fingers digging into his shoulders.

“I want to taste every inch of you. Spread your legs wider for me." He moved down my body, his lips leaving a trail of fire in their wake.

He hooked his fingers into my panties, I nodded, he pulled them down slowly. I lifted my hips, helping him, exposing my wetness. He kissed my inner thighs, teasing me, working his way up to my core.

He ran his tongue along my slit, making me gasp. He teased my clit, his tongue flicking back and forth. I moaned, my hips bucking up I moaned loudly, grabbing onto the sheets.

"Don't stop, please Enzo fuck, you're so good at this," I begged.

He slipped a finger inside me, curling it up to hit my G-spot,and I exploded. I screamed his name, my orgasm washing over me.

He didn't stop, continuing to lick and suck on my clit. He added another finger, fucking me with his fingers. His tongue still teasing my clit. I could feel my orgasm building again, my body tensing up. He increased his pace, fucking me harder. I cried out, and came again, my body shaking.

He kissed his way back up my body, his lips meeting mine. I could taste myself on his lips, and it only made me want him more. He reached for his pants, pulling out a condom. I watched as he rolled it on, my body thrumming with anticipation.

He positioned himself at my entrance, his tip teasing me.

"Do you want me to fuck you?" He whispered in my ear, his voice husky with desire. I nodded, unable to speak.He thrust into me, filling me completely. I cried out, my nails digging into his back.

He started fucking me, hard and fast. I met him thrust for thrust, our bodies slapping together. He pounded into me, and I could feel another orgasm building up.

"Fuck, you feel good," he moaned, his lips finding my neck.

He sucked on my neck, his teeth grazing my skin. I moaned as he bit down, my orgasm building again.

"please Enzo," I begged, my nails digging into his back.

“ please what baby?” Lorenzo picked up the pace, his hips slamming against mine. I could feel the orgasm building, my muscles tensing.

"You're so tight around me. Do you like it when I fill you up like this?" He say , and I kept nodding at him he pushed my tears away and put kisses in there places.

He reached down, rubbing my clit. I came again, my walls clenching around his cock, and I could feel him getting closer to his release.

I screamed as I came, my body shaking with the force of the orgasm.

He thrust a few more times, and then he stilled. I could feel him cumming inside me, and I moaned. He collapsed on top of me, both of us panting heavily.

He rolled off me, and I snuggled up next to him. We lay there, our bodies entwined, as we caught our breath. I couldn't believe what had just happened. It was the hottest sex I had ever had.

“Forget about the European league, this is the best night of my fucking life,” he said, a satisfied grin on his face.

I huckled softly, resting my head on his chest while playing with his hand. “Me too,” I whispered, feeling a rush of warmth and affection for him.

He turned to me, his gaze softening as he took my hand in his and brought it to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on my palm. “I don’t want it to be just a one-night thing,” he confessed, his eyes searching mine for a reaction.

My heart skipped a beat at his words. I had to admit, the connection we shared tonight felt deeper than just physical attraction. I traced circles on his chest with my finger, pondering his statement.

"I don't want that either," I admitted, feeling a sense of vulnerability and honesty between us.

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

The Daily Prophet's Patronus Parchment magazine:

Love in the Air: Y/N Y/L/N and Lorenzo Berkshire Spark Dating Rumors (Again!)

The rumor mill is churning once more, thanks to the undeniable chemistry between Y/N Y/L/N and Quidditch superstar Lorenzo Berkshire.

Holding Hands in London. Sharp-eyed fans spotted the pair strolling hand-in-hand through the charming streets of London. This heartwarming sight comes after their Parisian rendezvous last month and now-famous photoshoot, fueled further speculation of a blossoming romance.

Despite the growing buzz, Y/N and Lorenzo remain tight-lipped. Neither has officially confirmed their relationship status, leaving fans to decipher the undeniable sparks flying between them.

A Match Made in Magical Heaven? The pairing has the entire magical world swooning. Y/N, the multifaceted influencer, model, and researcher, and Lorenzo, the charming and talented Quidditch champion – they're a dream couple on paper and even more captivating in reality.

Is it Real? The lingering question remains. Is this a whirlwind summer fling, or the start of something truly special? Only time will tell. One thing's for sure: we'll be keeping a close eye on these two lovebirds!

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

Lorenzo sprawled on the couch, a defeated sigh escaping his lips as he surveyed the culinary disaster in the center of the coffee table. What started out as a valiant attempt at a romantic home-cooked dinner had morphed into something resembling a misshapen, charcoal-tinged UFO.

"Don't worry about it," I chirped, trying to sound more confident than I felt. "Those YouTube tutorials made it look so easy!" Maybe a dash of optimism would salvage the situation.

Lorenzo took a valiant bite, his face contorting into a grimace he tried his best to disguise. "It's...interesting," he managed, his voice thick with forced cheer. Bless him, he was trying so hard.

I snatched the offending slice from his hand before he could ingest another questionable morsel. "You're adorable, but food poisoning is not on the menu tonight." A laugh bubbled out of me, the tension easing.

He pulled me in for a kiss, flour smudging his cheek. I couldn't help but giggle as I retaliated, dusting a heart and smiley face onto his face with the rogue flour.

grabbed another wad of dough and shaped it into a heart, a playful smile adorning its surface. Flour dusted his face as I added finishing touches, my smile widening at his sheepish grin.

"Aww, look at you," I teased, pulling out my phone to capture the moment. A picture of the unknown -shaped pizza and Lorenzo, flour-dusted and grinning, filled the screen.

My finger hovered over the 'post' button. Suddenly, a wave of uncertainty washed over me. Was it too soon? Too public?

"Hey," Lorenzo murmured, his voice soft as he tilted my chin up. "What's wrong?" His gaze followed mine to the phone screen.

"I was just...thinking," I admitted.

"About posting it?" A smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

"Yeah," I mumbled. "Is it weird?"

He shook his head, his smile widening. "Absolutely not. Post it. Put a million red hearts on it, let the world know you have a boyfriend."

The playful jab sent a blush creeping up my cheeks. "Boyfriend, huh?" I teased, a shy smile gracing my lips.

He leaned in, his eyes holding mine. "I'm whatever you want me to be, Y/N. Just know that I'm serious about you."

My heart did a little flip-flop in my chest. "Me too," I whispered, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.

With newfound confidence, I hit 'post,' adding a caption: > Dinner may not have gone according to plan, but the company is definitely five stars! ❤️❤️❤️.

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

The Daily Prophet's Patronus Parchment magazine:

Antonio Garcia's Latest Film Flops: Karma's a Witch, or Just Bad Scripting?

Box Office Blues: Antonio Garcia's highly anticipated film, "Galactic Guardians," has crash-landed at the box office, leaving critics and audiences equally unimpressed. The film, touted as a summer blockbuster, has garnered a mountain of negative reviews, with many citing a weak plot and forgettable characters.

Worse Reviews Than Revenue: The critical drubbing is compounded by the film's dismal financial performance. "Galactic Guardians" struggles to pull in viewers, with its earnings barely covering its production budget. This financial flop marks a significant setback for Garcia, who previously enjoyed a string of successful films.

Karma's Calling? The timing of this double whammy couldn't be more curious, especially considering Garcia's personal life. News of his messy breakup with Y/N Y/L/N, the wildly popular model and influencer, dominated headlines last year. Rumors of infidelity swirled around Garcia, rumors he never fully addressed. Many fans are quick to draw a line between his alleged infidelity and the film's disastrous performance, whispering of a touch of karmic justice.

Coincidence or Consequence? Whether this is a case of bad scriptwriting or cosmic payback remains to be seen. One thing is certain: Antonio Garcia's career has hit a major snag. Can he bounce back from this double blow? Only time will tell, but one thing's for sure – Y/N seems to be doing just fine. In fact, she's recently been spotted with Quidditch champion Lorenzo Berkshire, and the pair seem to be radiating pure happiness. Looks like karma might have a sweeter side.

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

Lorenzo dimmed the living room lights, the soft glow of the TV casting flickering shadows on the walls. We were sprawled on the couch, a mountain of popcorn between us, halfway through a cheesy rom-com that neither of us were taking very seriously.

Suddenly, I hit pause, the silence thick after the movie's soundtrack abruptly cut off. Lorenzo looked at me, a questioning eyebrow raised.

"Hey," I said, taking a deep breath. "Can I tell you something?"

He scooted closer, concern etched on his face. "Of course, Y/N. What's wrong?"

The words tumbled out, a jumbled mess of emotions. I told him about Antonio, about how young and naive I was back then, how he used me for everything I had to offer: my fame, my connections, everything but me. I confessed to feeling unloved, unseen, a trophy on his arm rather than a real person. And then, the final blow – the cheating rumors that turned out to be all too true.

"You were so young," he murmured, his voice filled with empathy. "He didn't deserve you, Y/N. Not even close."

His words were like a balm to my soul, the anger and hurt momentarily soothed. He pulled me closer, and I rested my head on his shoulder, the familiar scent of his cologne grounding me.

"You know what the best part about all this is?" I whispered, my voice thick with emotion.

He shook his head, his arms tightening around me.

"The best part is you," I confessed, looking up into his eyes. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, Lorenzo. You make me feel seen, valued, loved – everything I never felt with him."

A smile tugged at the corner of his lips, his eyes filled with an emotion I couldn't decipher. Then, he leaned down, his lips brushing softly against my ear, "I love you," he murmured.

The words hung in the air, heavy and unexpected. My breath hitched, surprise flickering across my face. Love? Here, now, with Lorenzo? It felt like a beautiful dream, too perfect to be real.

"Enzo…" I stammered, completely thrown off guard.

He cupped my face in his hands, his thumbs gently brushing away stray tears. "Don't say anything," he pleaded, his eyes searching mine. "Just know that I do. I have for a while now."

Taking a deep breath, I met his gaze, my voice trembling slightly. "I… I love you too, Enzo."

A wide smile bloomed on his face, a smile that mirrored the warmth blossoming in my chest. The cheesy rom-com on the screen suddenly seemed unimportant.

One night, while he was staying over at my apartment, we found ourselves in a candid conversation.

I admitted that the first orgasm I had ever experienced was with him, after our first date. The confession seemed to shock him. After all, I had dated Antonio for three long years, so it was a significant revelation for both of us.

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

The Daily Prophet's Patronus Parchment magazine:

Antonio Garcia's Sour Grapes: Y/N Y/L/N Responds with Class

A Case of Ex-xcuses? In a recent interview promoting his (commercially challenged) new film, Antonio Garcia took a not-so-subtle jab at his ex-girlfriend, Y/N Y/L/N. When asked about his ideal partner, Garcia launched into a rambling diatribe about needing someone "grounded" and "focused," seemingly throwing shade at Y/N's multifaceted career as a model, influencer, researcher, and all-around powerhouse. Sources close to the actor claim he's been making negative comments about her to anyone who will listen. Considering their public breakup last year, fueled by rumors of Antonio's infidelity (which he never fully denied), this behavior comes as no surprise.

Lorenzo Berkshire Sings Y/N's Praises: When asked about Y/N during a recent interview, Lorenzo's face lit up with a genuine smile. " She's the kind of person who makes everyone around her better." His words paint a picture of a strong, supportive woman – the complete opposite of the image Antonio is trying to portray.

Fans Rally Behind Y/N: Needless to say, the internet erupted in support of Y/N. Fans flooded her comments with messages of empowerment and praise, applauding her success and her dignified response. Many pointed out that while Antonio struggles with box office flops, Y/N continues to excel in every aspect of her life.

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

Today was the day. The Montrose Magpies, Lorenzo's team, were facing off against their fiercest rivals, Puddlemere United. It was always a tense match, but this year, the stakes felt even higher. The crowd crackled with energy, a mix of nervous anticipation and Magpies pride.

I knew Lorenzo would be incredible. He exuded a quiet confidence that was contagious. Before he stepped onto the field, I leaned in and kissed him softly. "Good luck," I whispered, my voice barely above a murmur. He smiled, a hint of nerves flickering in his usually calm eyes.

"I don't need luck with you cheering me on," he replied, squeezing my hand before disappearing into the tunnel.

The match was a whirlwind. Both teams played with an intensity that bordered on aggression. Cheering and groans filled the stadium as players soared and cursed, the Quaffle whizzing through the air at lightning speed. Penalties were called, tempers flared, and the score remained stubbornly tied.

Just when it seemed like the game might go into overtime, Lorenzo pulled off a move that defied gravity. He weaved through a sea of Puddlemere Chasers with the grace of a dancer, dodging Bludgers left and right. Finally, with a powerful flick of his wrist, the Quaffle soared through the goalposts.

The crowd erupted in a frenzy. Fans screamed, flags waved, and the stadium pulsed with pure joy. The Magpies had won! Lorenzo, the hero of the day, was hoisted onto his teammates' shoulders, the golden trophy gleaming in the afternoon sun.

He spotted me in the VIP section and winked, a playful glint in his eyes. As the celebrations on the pitch unfolded, Lorenzo made his way over, a wide grin plastered on his face. He scooped me up in a hug, the trophy still clutched in his hand, and planted a celebratory kiss on my lips. The taste of victory and the warmth of his touch sent shivers down my spine.

Moments later, I received a text from Lorenzo. Just two words: "Come over, baby." My heart skipped a beat. It wasn't unusual for us to meet up later, but the changing room? That felt… different. A knot of worry formed in my stomach. Was everything okay? Had he gotten injured?

With a mixture of apprehension and excitement, I excused myself and headed for the changing room . My mind raced with possibilities as I knocked on the door, a nervous flutter in my chest. The door creaked open, revealing Lorenzo, his hair damp from the shower.

Before I could question the unorthodox location, he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. "There you are," he whispered, his voice husky with something that wasn't just exertion.

fingers tangling in my hair as he deepened the kiss. I could feel his desire, hard against my thigh, and I couldn't help but respond. My own hands found their way to his shoulders, then up to tangle in his damp hair.

"Lorenzo," I murmured, breaking the kiss for a moment. "What about your teammates?"

He smiled, a wicked glint in his eye. "They all left. It's just you and me here, babe."

My heart skipped a beat at his words. I had never been with him in such a public place before, and the thrill of the possibility was intoxicating. Before I could protest, his lips were on mine once more, his hands working their way under my shirt, caressing my skin.

I moaned softly as his fingers found my nipples, teasing them to hard points through the lace of my bra. His other hand was busy undoing my jeans, pulling them down just enough to free me from the constraints of my underwear. I could feel the cool metal of the locker against my back as he pressed me against it, his hips grinding against mine.

His mouth moved from my lips, down my neck, nipping and sucking at the sensitive skin. I gasped as his teeth grazed my ear, his hot breath sending shivers down my spine. "You like that?" he murmured, his voice low and husky.

I could only nod, my breath coming in short, desperate gasps. His fingers continued to tease my nipples, his thumb brushing against them in slow circles. I could feel the heat building between my legs, my body aching for him.

My breath hitched, and I nodded, my hands gripping his shoulders. "Yes, Enzo, don't stop."

He didn't need any further encouragement. His fingers left my nipples, tracing a path down my stomach, then lower still. I gasped as he found my clit, his fingers circling it in slow, teasing movements.

"You're dripping wet for me," he murmured, his voice full of satisfaction “You're my favorite addiction. I can't get enough of you."

His fingers slid lower, parting my folds, then entering me in one swift movement. I cried out, my back arching off the locker as he began to thrust them in and out, each movement sending waves of pleasure crashing through me.

"Yes, just like that," I I moaned, my hips bucking against his hand.

He continued to fuck me with his fingers, his thumb still teasing my clit. I could feel myself growing closer and closer to the edge, my body tensing with each thrust.

"The way you look at me when I touch you drives me wild. Keep those eyes on me,"

His words sent me over the edge. I cried out, my orgasm crashing over me like a wave. I could feel myself clenching around his fingers, my body shaking with the force of my release.

Lorenzo didn't give me a chance to catch my breath. He pulled his fingers out of me, his lips curling into a wicked smile as he brought them to his mouth, tasting my release.

“ I love how you moan when I do this. You're mine, all mine." he murmured.

Before I could recover, he was pushing me back against the locker, his hips grinding against mine. I could feel his cock, hard and hot, pressed against my entrance.

"Do you want me to take you right here, right now?"he asked, his voice low and husky.

I could only nod, my breath coming in short gasps. I was more than ready. I needed him inside me, filling me up, claiming me as his own.

He didn't make me wait any longer. With one swift thrust, he was inside me, his cock filling me up completely. I cried out, my back arching off the locker as he began to thrust in and out, each movement sending waves of pleasure crashing through me.

I could feel myself growing closer and closer to another orgasm, my body tensing with each thrust.

He didn't hold back. His thrusts grew harder, faster, his cock hitting that spot inside me that drove me wild. I could feel myself teetering on the edge, my body begging for release.

“I want you to say my name when you come. Let me hear how good I make you feel."

I cried out, my orgasm crashing over me like a wave. I could feel myself clenching around his cock, my body shaking with the force of my release.

Lorenzo followed me over the edge, his own orgasm ripping through him. I could feel him pulse inside me, filling me up with his release.

He collapsed against me, his breathing ragged. I could feel his heart racing, matching my own.

His lips finding mine once more.

My body still trembling with the aftershocks of my orgasm. I had never experienced anything like that before, and I knew that I would never forget it.

"I never knew public places could be this thrilling," I whispered, still caught in the haze of pleasure.

Lorenzo smiled, his eyes full of affection. "Don’t worry I have a lot of in my mind for you " he promised, his lips claiming mine in another searing kiss.

𓍯𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓂃𓍯

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