#consuming media about teenagers now just makes me feel bad about myself

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

So I’m a minor (16 to be specific) and I frequently watch and read stuff with explicit sexual or 18+ content in it. I live in an extremely conservative Christian household and things like explicit fanfic are pretty much the only option I have for learning about sex that isn’t abstinence only. I do feel bad about it, especially when I see adults online say stuff like “oh i watched lots of inappropriate things as a teen that i really shouldn’t have” and it makes me feel like I’m ruining myself in a way that I won’t realize until I’m an adult? Right now I don’t see what the big deal is but i get the feeling that when i’m 24 or something I’ll wake up one day and be ashamed of this for some reason i’m not mature enough to know yet. Should I just stop and wait until I’m 18 to continue or what?

hi anon,

okay. I'm gonna hit you with something:

turning 18 does not actually change the way you feel about porn or sex or anything. the difference between being seventeen and 364 days and being 18 is nonexistent. there's not a magical switch that changes you as a person; that comes from lived experience. if you're 18 and your experience is still that porn and smut and what have you i something that you should feel bad about, it's still going to feel that way and a birthday won't change that.

look, the whole notion of "I saw [x] that I shouldn't have when I was young" is like. okay. so you saw something that was a little mature for you that you didn't quite get? awesome. did you die? no. most people's hangups about sexuality don't come from seeing a rogue titty when they were a teenager, they come from the culture that person was raised in that made seeing a rogue titty feel like something to be ashamed of instead of a completely natural part of life.

story time! when I teach my 4th-6th grade OWL classes (Our Whole Lives, great human development program) I always start by holding a meeting with the kids' parents. I've been doing this for seven years, and every time without fail some of the parents will recall seeing porn for the first time as a kid. these guys were kids when printed porn magazines were still a thing, so they were discovering them in all kinds of places - the bedrooms of their parents or their friends' parents, at bus stops, in the woods, once even stowed in some farm equipment. and they remember it feeling illicit and exciting, sure, and possibly making them confused or even horny for the first time in their young lives, but like... that's it. none of these people are irreparably damaged by seeing porn. in fact, they've grown up to be the kind of people who go out of their way to make sure their young kids are enrolled in a queer-friendly, body-positive, diversity-embracing sex ed class to counter stereotypes and misinformation they might receive elsewhere.

looking at things that arouse you is morally neutral. it can be a great way to help you learn about what turns you on, and even if it's not the best source of factual, realistic depictions of sex, it can still help you discover things - hell, I only figured out what the clitoris was by reading Young Justice fanfic (shout out Snaibsel).

you can't ruin yourself, at any age, with the media you like to consume. what makes you uncomfortable and anxious is the attitude you've been taught to have about that media, which is something that has to be actively unlearned, because it's certainly not going to just disappear on its own when you become a legal adult.

tl;dr obviously no one is making you watch porn and you shouldn't if it makes you uncomfortable, but if you drop it right now and come back when you're 18 don't expect to feel any different if you haven't done any more unpacking re: the conservative Christianity of it all.

[ourdreamsareneon]

okay *cracks knuckles* I did a post about gale, time for his better half - astarion

Some of you don't have media literacy and it shows.

I dont know where to start so I'm gonna go hard before getting soft (insert sex joke.) Act 1 astarion is an asshole. He's manipulative and toxic and uses his power as a ~230 year old vampiric high elf to manipulate you into (among other things) having sex with him. I understand falling for him at that point, that's not your fault it's just the game gaming and the writers are really good at how they write his manipulation. However, it does strike me as strange that some of y'all get to the scene where he confesses to using and manipulating you and you....don't care? 'He's just damaged! its not his fault!' babygirl, someone can have a good reason for hurting you, but that doesn't take away the pain. I'm not saying that you shouldn't still love him, but it's strange how many of you disregard that scene. I know for me at least I was saddened by it and definitely was a little wary about him afterwards until beating Cazador and unlocking the nice happy healthy Astarion relationship.

Now here's where we get soft to prove that I actually like Astarion. The reason that confession stings for me is because I have many a memory of being SA'd then being told "I'm not even into you, you were just there." Ever since I stopped being a girl and became a woman, something that happened all too early in my life, I have been used and abused. And hey, sorry for making my Tav the exact same way but I like processing my trauma through D&D. I relate a lot to Astarion. Hurt people hurt people and I know that better than anyone. I also know better than anyone that picking yourself up and healing from that hurt sucks ass. Which brings me to two points. Um apologies for getting hard on you again.... insert another sex joke here.

1) Astarion isn't ace. I've seen this briefly and while I appreciate the need for queer rep, and love headcanons, I do think this discounts the struggle a lot of SA survivors go through. Okay, back to my life so we can compare. When I was chin deep in my abusive relationships and just general shitty time of my life, I was fucking and sucking literally so much it hurt. However as soon as I got out of that situation, I basically became celibate for 2 years. I didn't know how to have sex in a way that was healthy, or that wouldn't make me feel awful about myself. It was only this year that I was able to finally have sex in a way that made me happy. I think you'd be blind not to see Astarion in the same way. He's just a hurt man that is trying to rediscover and heal himself. Which is why he doesn't care about Tav and Halsin, and why you can have sex on his grave. He is very sexually open he just needs some time.

2) Ascended Astarion isn't sexy and I don't think some of you are ready for that conversation. Look I don't have time to go through this because I have a meeting in 30 minutes because I'm an adult with bad time management. But I just. Come here. Come real close. Abusive relationships aren't hot and sexy. We all love a little bit of kink but if you don't see Ascended Astarion as clearly the bad choice, I'm very confused. He's so sweet and loving and kind and HEALED if you don't let him ascend, I can't imagine not wanting that. And like I said, kink is fine! And ascending him because you're doing an evil run or whatever is also fine! Just please, I need teenagers to stop romanticising abuse because the media you consume does rub off on you.

TL;DR I love Astarion with all my heart, but by the writers own admission he was created as a Try Not To Overly Sexualise an Abuse Survivor Challenge and y'all are failing left and right!

[eerna]

Hello! This is incredibly random, but as a fanartist, enjoyer of critically examining media, and critic of capitalist corporations (*cough* Disney), do you have any thoughts about fan art being a form of unpaid labour?

Context is I’m writing an essay about digital labour and how fan creation is basically kind of like free PR for big corporations… and now whenever I do fanart I can’t get that thought out of my head uGH. I want to believe that drawing fanart is my own form of creative expression and way of showing love for the media, but at the same time I’m like “am I being exploited???” since I’m helping advertise smth for free and these corporations are just capitalizing on my love for said media??? and I can’t reconcile these thoughts 🥲🫠

Also I’m struggling with the essay LOL my eventual conclusion is that we as fans do have agency but we kind of still are being exploited… so it’s not a very optimistic outlook haha. Doesn’t help that the scholars’ articles I’m reading are all very negative about this digital labour thing. Help.

Sorry if this is unexpectedly deep!! 😅 just really curious to hear a fellow fanartist’s thoughts, and I respect you a lot for being unafraid to criticize media 🙏🙏

Hi! First of thank you for your kind words~ Second off, what a cool concept to discuss. Your message is pretty much how I feel. It is very frustrating to remember that so much of the media I love is so closely tied to the harmful cycle of capitalism. I grew up in a country that didn't have access to merch or much in the way of official media so piracy was my go-to most of the time. This means I was introduced to the concept of consumerist aspects of fandom via the Internet as a teenager and started feeling bad about "not supporting" stuff I love, but I told myself "Well I pay back by doing fanart and talking about it online". And then I found out about the way capitalism shapes the media landscape and started feeling bad for playing into it, the same as you. It gets even more conflicting when I am talking about something I dislike made by a company I dislike - yeah, I am probably preventing some people from interacting with the media for themselves, but I am also probably making others interested. What makes me feel better about the entire thing is that the "digital labour" I do is that I'm doing it for other fans like me, and to express myself. I love things so much that it makes me feel like I am going to explode, but pouring it out onto paper helps with it! Of course, I don't have to post it online for it to be worthwhile, but sharing it with others who feel the way I do makes the feelings even better. BUT one of the most important aspects of the issue is how willing those companies are to let me gain something monetary from the relationship. Are they ignoring fanworks being sold as fan merch, as commissions? It is illegal, but I feel like it should absolutely be allowed as a sort of unmentioned perk of being a fan worker, and the companies that don't allow that are evil. My audience gets bigger, I sell more prints, and so do they. (This is also why I never accept money for fanworks made by small creators, such as webcomics)

There's also the fact that lately I've been seeing the rise of "If you REALLY love this piece of media, it is your DUTY to consume it as much as possible and spread the word about it as much as possible and make the company as much money as possible if you want to see more things like it!" takes. These are utter bullshit and where enjoyment of media goes to die. The moment you reduce your love for something only to how much money it can make the evil capitalist overlords who allowed it to grace your eyes, you completely deny any kind of artistic worth. Media should exist because we deserve to have our hearts touched by stories, not because it makes someone money.

I don't have a clear answer or feel like my approach to the issue goes entirely along with my morality. But I don't think we can find a way to feel good about the entire situation as long as our media is dictated by capitalism. It's the sad reality of loving something in a system that will squeeze any money out of you that it can. But we gotta march on, remember that we are the ones allowing them to survive and not the other way around, and love while we do it. Good luck with your essay, stay positive!

[goldendiie]

ok i'm going to be an adult and give a little explanation as to why i've been missing for three months now. under the cut. heart.

BEFORE ANY OF YOU PANIC. I'm not quitting. I'm not saying goodbye.

I'm going to preface and say that I have been writing sarge/fillmore fanfic since I was fourteen years old. I am turning twenty-one at the end of the month. This December marks my seventh year of running this blog-- almost all of my teenage years were devoted to making cars fandom content.

I've realized, only recently, that I've trapped myself into a box by doing this. It was fun, for the first couple of years; I would just write whatever the hell I wanted, I would take requests, I would do anything. And then, once I started working on The Third Blink, and studying the 1960s, I realized that history was something I wanted to do professionally. I finished TB, and then I started working passively on Americana. I wanted to fully encompass the historical narrative of the peace movement, and make the argument that it self-destructed itself. More than anything, I wanted to spread knowledge. This is not to say that I’m not still having fun-- I have a blast doing this, and I always always always love talking to you guys about the AU. It's wonderful to know that I've created such an active and interested group based solely on the pursuit of this historical question-- even if it is through the lens of gay cars.

Now, four years after this all started, I'm waking up in that aforementioned box. The counterculture has become my entire life: I have dozens of books and resources saved for whenever I become an instructor, I'm an avid 60s alt fan, and I have an arsenal of potential theses that I want to approach in graduate school. But, in those four years, I haven't given myself the opportunity to explore more. I've been so headstrong about the 1960s that I failed to realize the vast richness of other historical pursuits. I was almost ignorant of them. This has been a hard epiphany to tackle. I've built my life around this, and it's hard to realize that I need to move on. (Alexa, play Landslide by Fleetwood Mac).

And, weirdly, South Park (of all things) is what brought me to the realization that I'm trapped in this box. I started watching the show, and then I started listening to different music, and enjoying different media. It was the most new stuff that I've ever consumed at once. At first, it was kind of terrifying: I had been one thing for the longest time. Once I started noticing that I was changing, growing into a different person, I didn't know what to do. But changing and growing is never a bad thing-- actually, it's the most human thing that anyone can do. Allowing myself this growth rather than continuing to confine myself into this box has been really, really awesome for me. I started laughing more, and taking things less seriously. I have new historical questions, and I feel as though I have been filled with life again. No longer am I disillusioned with my fanfic writing, or my professional work. I'm excited.

When I wrote the "everything happens for a reason" line in The Third Blink, I never thought much of it... until now. I think I was meant to find the cars fandom at fourteen (maybe earlier-- I made this blog at fourteen, but I was definitely in it for maybe a year before that), meant to start writing sargemore, meant to ask historical questions about the nature of their relationship-- All because it led me to where I am today. I'm applying to graduate school in December, and I still intend to write about the peace movement for my doctoral thesis. I think the same thing can be said about that life-changing epiphany that South Park (ugh) gave me: I've finally begun to realize that nothing is really that serious, and that changing and turning into someone you never expected to be is a good (even great!) thing.

After a certain point, I have to break out of this box. I can't always be Goldie, cars fanfic writer. I have to become myself, and I have to grow into my career and research pursuits. Becoming a better version of yourself is never a bad thing; nor is living your life free of any expectations. And, at any rate, a wise man once said: "It's futile to resist change."

So, I'm not saying goodbye. Not yet, anyway. I'm just taking a few steps back, becoming more passive. I still fully intend to finish Americana (and, maybe Nowhere, if I ever get around to working on it again), but I am not putting myself under any pressure to do so. It's been a long, crazy, incredible ride... But I think my retirement will be coming soon.

If you read all of that, thank you. I know this isn't stuff that you guys wanted to read, but the longer I went without saying anything, the worse I felt. Thank you.

Like I said, I'll still be around-- just not frequently.

Love y'all. -G.

[cookinguptales]

I don't know if I fully believe in the concept of NYRs but... idk, I do have some things I've been working on for myself, and I guess it's fair enough to call them NYRs. These issues are a work in progress, and I am a process. lmao

[cut for length and so you don't have to scroll through my personal issues if you don't want to!]

My first two NYRs are ones that I've had on my list for many years. You'd think that means that I'm very bad at them, so I have to keep adding them to my to-do list. But actually, I've had a lot of success with them both, which is why I keep them both on there every year as a reminder.

1. Every time I complain about a bad thing, try to find, create, or promote a similar good thing.

This is the one I've had for the longest. Some times I'm better at this than others, but I always find myself renewing my commitment to the idea this time of year. I've struggled with depression for most of my life and I think at heart I'm probably a pessimist. It's very easy for me to get bogged down in negative things, especially when things have been so objectively shitty for everyone the past few years. In my teenage years especially, I had trouble moving at all without tripping over something that made me angry. And anger can be good! Anger can motivate you to demand better. But better things do exist in this world, and the past few years I have tried to funnel my anger into amplifying those things.

So, y'know, every time I complain about a movie I think sucked, I try to recommend a movie I think was pretty good. When I get frustrated at a narrative choice in a piece of media, I try to think about a choice that I think worked better. When I hear about some fresh new atrocity in the news, I try to find at least one good thing that's happening, too, even if that's just in response to that bad thing. (I find that finding charities to support helps me a lot there.) When I feel like there are ugly things everywhere I look, I try to make something beautiful.

I think I often get frustrated with bad things because I feel that things should be better. So the best way to assuage these feelings isn't to just get angry with the bad things. It's to find those better things -- or make them myself.

2. Consume at least one new piece of media every week.

This can be a movie, a book, a tv show, a video game, anything so long as I haven't consumed any of it before. I've tried those movie-a-week things or book-a-week and it's not a bad idea, but I tend to get a little bogged down. I think I've realized over the years that what I really need is a sense of freshness to keep me going. Otherwise I'll just watch WWDITS and play Stardew Valley 1000 times and stagnate a bit. Stagnation is a real problem for me, so I do a lot to try to combat that. I've definitely discovered that a constant stream of fresh new things helps with that, no matter the medium. I try to keep this river flowing, so to speak. And trying new things is fun!

Now onto a couple things that I'd like to work on in the coming year specifically...

3. Use my resources to make myself happy.

I'll preface both of these upcoming sections with the fact that uh. I was raised kind of weird fundie evangelical, and I have found that unlearning some of that shit takes a lifetime. When you're raised to internalize that joy is sinful if it's not in service to God (...we were neocharismatic, so dancing was okay in a charismatic situation) then it's kind of hard to do things just because you enjoy them, especially if they are "wasteful" in any way.

Like I can justify a hobby that is building me in some way, like an academic pursuit or learning a new skill. I spend... a lot of my free time trying to better myself, which is something that probably requires some self-reflection. lmao. I can also justify hobbies that benefit others, like writing someone a story or doing something for a charitable cause. I can even justify a hobby that might make money. But doing things specifically for me just because I enjoy them and they make me happy... that's harder, especially if they use up resources.

Like... I discovered in high school that I liked working with wax. We did batik in one of my art classes and I loved it. I still haven't gotten myself batik materials (I keep thinking "but what would I do with the cloth?") but I have started to dip my toes back into making wax melts. It's cliche, I know, but it's fun. I really enjoy it. I love making new smells and new appearances and getting really creative with it. It makes me feel like a mad scientist, a little bit. But... I mean, it's not a cheap hobby. And it takes up a lot of my actual physical energy -- which, as someone with a lot of chronic illnesses, really is in short supply. So I've felt oddly guilty about it, especially because I know I should be saving more diligently for my accessible bathroom. Like, obviously being able to shower safely is more important than being able to play with wax molds...? But... you have to have joy in your life, too... And that's not a sin.

(Sin is bullshit anyway! But still.)

I've been kind of offsetting the guilt I feel by giving wax melts to others and by kind of making vague-ass plans to maybe sell my excess one day, but like. I need to reframe the way I'm thinking about this endeavor. It's nice if my hobby can bring benefits to those around me (and make back the price of materials maybe) but it doesn't have to. It's enough if creating a weird little laboratory in my basement makes me happy.

The same goes for some other things, too... If I want to spend fifty dollars on materials for cross-stitch, that's okay! If I want to buy myself a ticket to a concert that I'll look forward to all month, that's okay! If I want to take the train up to NYC to see an exhibit and hang out with a friend, that's okay! There's value in joy, even if it's mine! Especially if it's mine!

I want to spend 2023 experimenting with new hobbies and new experiences and new treats for myself. I'd say I deserve them, but deserving has nothing to do with it. I don't have to deserve it, and I don't have to earn it. It's enough to simply enjoy myself, quietly and exuberantly and in service of nothing.

I had a stint in my teenage years where... honestly, my family lost everything. I couch-surfed at a family friend's house for a few years because we didn't have a place to live. I watched my parents cling to a job with a deeply, deeply abusive boss because it was the only way to keep insurance for my medical expenses -- and back then, there were a lot. Hell, I spent several years in there too scared to tell my parents about my symptoms because I knew we couldn't afford a doctor. So... I probably have some issues when it comes to saving and spending money... but the fact of the matter is that there's no point in having money if you're not willing to enjoy it a little bit, and it's not like I'm spending irresponsibly or refusing to share what I have. I save, I donate, I give gifts, I try to make the world better in at least tiny ways. It's okay if I try to make my own life better, too. ;o;

I keep telling myself that, anyway. Maybe this coming year I'll finally be able to make myself believe it. lmao. It's a worthy endeavor.

4. Allow myself both pride and joy in my work.

I'm a good writer! I'm a good editor! I make lovely things! I make people happy! Writing this paragraph is very difficult for me!

Back under point one, when I said "I try to make something beautiful", I initially thought "I make something beautiful" but then I felt bad. Like I was being arrogant or too up my own ass or inflating the quality of my work. But I didn't want to take it out, either, because I do attempt to make lovely things when I see shit. I think it's important to combat horror with joy, no matter what that means to you. So... I compromised and wrote "I try to make something beautiful", and I hope that next year I am mentally healthy enough to be able to write "I make something beautiful."

How do I put this... My parents were always supportive of my endeavors growing up, and they were never stingy with praise when I did something right. This isn't some weird situation where I'm trying to earn praise that never came. It's just that even as a child, I have never been able to internalize praise, which has had the effect of making me feel like I'm never good enough.

Feeling like you're enough is... I mean, I think it's a struggle for a lot of us. I think that's a very human emotion. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that the way I look at praise isn't exactly healthy, and I do think I've come to pinpoint where a lot of this is coming from.

While my parents were always proud of me, there's always been this idea there that praise should be private, and so should pride. You thank someone in private. You do good in private. You praise someone in private. And you never speak of the good you have done.

Like I said, I grew up fundie. I think my parents were, in some ways, rebelling against "false" Christians (a whole other discussion...) who would do good simply to put themselves on a pedestal later, or worse, who would hold it against others or manipulate them with favors. My grandmother is the QUEEN of this, so I see where my mother's feelings came from. So there was always this drive from home to be good silently and without attention, and that you should never accept praise for it.

That combined with the wider teachings of the church, which again, really emphasized humility -- especially in girls, sigh -- and made us "give it to God", so to speak. I don't do good things. God does good things through me. That sort of situation. It's why my grandmother is so upset that both my mother and I write secular fiction. Our gifts came from God and should be used in service of him -- so, as a tool for proselytization and a weapon against non-believers. :') You know the type.

(Side note: no, my mother has never, ever read any of my fiction even though she has begged. No, I would die. I only started reading hers as an adult once she became one of my clients. It's kind of weird how we both decided to write but never let the other read any of it, haha.)

Anyway, my point is that I have a very difficult time accepting praise which means I have a difficult time internalizing praise which means I have a difficult time ever feeling like I have done something worthy of praise, and I also feel like an arrogant asshole whenever I do manage to feel good about my work. This is obviously less than ideal. I've been slowly working un untangling my negative reaction to pride, especially because I don't actually think I'm bad at things. I just... think I'm a bad person when I admit that I'm good at things. It's a process. lmao

I tend to reread nice comments that people have left me when I'm feeling really down on myself. That's why I've been saving kind replies with the "praise" tag. It's partially so people can block it (I... always assume people will not want to see me accepting praise, HMM) but mostly so I can go back and find it later. I have a much easier time allowing other people to praise me than allowing myself to do it. But I also have a hard time believing it...?

I've had some success with telling myself that it's disrespectful to my readers if I don't trust what they say about my work -- like, am I accusing them of lying to me? Of having bad taste? If it's neither of those things, then the praise must be genuine. That's actually helped quite a bit. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I have talent.

But even just writing that last sentence made me wince a little bit! Damn it! It's really hard for me and I'm trying to just... force myself through it. Tell myself that my work is good and I'm not a bad person for acknowledging that. Sometimes saying my work "makes people happy" is easier for me, especially because... I mean, it's probably that in service to others thing again... but it also puts the onus of preference onto them and not me lmao.

But yes. In 2023 I am going to allow myself to linger over praise and maybe even let myself believe it. I am going to tell myself that my writing is good, and no, this is not going to be the fic that I finally fuck up and disappoint everyone. (And if I do write a fic that no one likes, that's okay, too! It's okay to experiment with what I like! It's okay to write something for me and not for others! Joy for my sake!!!) I am good at this and my writing is good and people like it and I kind of like it too and that's okay. It's not perfect, but nothing is. And there's value in it regardless.

I'd stare in the mirror and force myself to look myself in the eye while I tell myself I did a good job and I should feel happy about that but I don't keep mirrors in my house because they creep me out! I have tiny ones in my bathrooms because they came that way but they're not useful. lmao. At least not for gripping the sink at 2 am and forcing yourself into self-appreciation.

(I'm a nice person! I'm smart! I try my best! I try to be patient with people who irritate me! I write nice things! People like me, damn it! ;o;)

4b. I will be open about my charitable donations.

A corollary to 4. Like I said, we were always supposed to be good in private. I have always marked my donations as anonymous when possible. But I had a charity last year have a little pop-up when I did that, and it told me that I may think that donating privately is the honorable thing to do, but that studies show that donating publicly encourages other people to donate as well. It lets your friends and loved ones see you do it, which gives them the idea to do it. It lets strangers see the name of real people on the page, so they don't feel alone and it encourages them to donate as well. And in the case of things like abortion funds, it lessens stigma to vociferously support them.

And I hadn't thought about it that way, honestly. I still won't talk about like... actual dollar amounts... but I do plan to be more open about the charities that I support and how often I support them.

This year I donated to Immigration Equality, Philabundance, Dysautonomia International, HIAS Philadelphia, a few different local community fridge projects, RIP Medical Debt, Feeding Texas, the Native American Disability Law Center, a few local abortion funds, a gofundme to help evacuate disabled Ukrainians, the Nationalities Service Center of Philadelphia, the National Parks Service, RAICES, the Philly Zoo, World Central Kitchen, and various disaster relief charities. (As in, direct response to temporary disaster relief funds.)

If you'd like to know more about any of those organizations, I would be more than happy to give you more information so you can support them as well. They're all causes I believe in, so I want to help get the word out about them however I can, even if uh. Honestly this might be the part of this post that feels the most awkward for me to write. It really goes against everything I've been taught, but I don't want my need for privacy to outweigh their ability to fundraise. : /

5. I will be better about replying to people.

This one feels self-explanatory. :')

That said, I'm gonna go eat dinner now and... not reply to the asks that are in my inbox now.

(THIS IS HOW IT BEGINS...)

aaaanyway yeah those are the five things I'm gonna try to work on in the coming year! None of them are things that can be fixed in a year and none of them are things that will change the world but like. I want to be happier. I want to let myself be happier. I want to be a kind person, a person who is patient with others' faults, and I think I need to start including myself in that.

:')

[meltedbluecaterpillar]

That did quite help, Absol! Thank you. Very good motivation..I think I'll be making a second account soon. One where i'll show myself and maybe even my creations at some point?

Don't be too surprised though, my JP account is quite lazy..I focus on my first and main eng account..I don't playthrough the story or anything on jp..I just..collect cards...im mildly selfish for that..and impaitent for them to release on eng..sigh.

Oh, Ruggie...I really do love him. I'd hate to see him cry but..i'm finding myself very curious to see what his card would look like..I think we need more Ruggie fans. Maybe if we get this, people will appriciate him more? I've always enjoyed him..even when he was alongside Leona in book 2..tripping people down the stairs "^.^ ,, - 🐍

Good afternoon Viper. Did you eat today? Please make sure you do. Lunch time has passed… But please remember to get something filling. I am happy I could offer some motivation. This current state I’m in is… Gloomier… I think… Compared to how I used to speak with others… So… I think eventually I would like to regain that energy and momentum… So I can cheer you on some more when you need it.

I think a second account could make you feel better. I have tons of them. Some for different fandoms. Some for art posts. Writing. Reblogs. It’s nice. It keeps me organized. I think if you shared your posts I would be happy to see them no matter what. Even if it isn’t Twisted Wonderland… I want to consume more media. I want to savor it and see what about it makes people fans of it. I think it’s fun.

Ah, I see… Actually that makes sense in its own way. Waiting for an EN release feels impossible with certain cards. I was counting down the days for Ruggie’s New Year card and I haven’t stopped rolling around admiring it. The sight of his big teeth… Ahhhhhhh. It changes me and my thought process. He is very handsome even if he disagrees. And… I choose to ignore any crimes of physical assault he may have committed. He was doing it for a good reason. This world is not black and white. It is grey. Doing something bad for the sake of what you believe is good. Everyone has done it in one way or another…. So… It’s okay that he did something bad. I can turn a blind eye since I wasn’t someone who got hurt.

I had a thought… Because I have been meditating and thinking. And I have allowed the universe to whisper in my ears. How it praises me and scolds me… When we see Ruggie’s card… I want to post something for him… I want to redo something very big… Just a bit. Something I wrote as a teenager. I want to re-write it now that I am an adult. I want everyone to see Ruggie in that card that we are waiting for. And I want everyone to see Ruggie as I see him… Let’s fall in love with Ruggie. I want everyone to.

[senescenceandsensibility]

Rambling in the New Year

Here we are. Happy New Year.

The holidays were fine. I traveled for Thanksgiving but was home alone for Christmas. In the past, family might join me (or us, when my husband was alive) and that felt right. But now it feels weird to tack myself on to established traditions in other households, even my sisters’.

It is inevitably hard. There isn’t a single piece of media one can consume at this time of year that doesn’t hammer at you about family and togetherness and love, either how vital it is for human existence in general, or how tragic it is when all that isn’t present on this one day above all the days. I felt okay on Christmas, but I was a lot better the day after. I was white knuckling it. Just get behind me, please.

When I was about 14, I said I didn’t want a party for my birthday. My extreme teenage self-consciousness was on the rise, and I couldn’t conceive of a party at our house that I could enjoy. That was true and I didn’t change my mind even as I cried on the day. Sometimes being alone is the next best thing, and you take it. I had and have a lot to be grateful for. I’m incredibly lucky. Also, occasionally, lonely. It’s not a death sentence even if everything this time of year makes you feel like it is.

And now, the new year. Ahh. What will it be?

I just read some advice about making a list of 10 things you love to do, a reference for hard days or when you’ve been doing for others for too long and have forgotten what fills your well. But I can’t come up with 10 things. Read, knit, jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles….that’s it. That’s my list. All of them safe at home.

I suppose I should put writing on the list, but although I *do* feel better for having done it, it’s not something I turn to with any eagerness. Everything seems to take a bite out of me. And because I am perhaps a little too wary of things that might drain me (and to be fair, almost everything does), I’ve boxed myself in.

I have had memory issues lately, bad enough to have spun myself into thinking there’s Something Wrong, even though there are plenty of reasons for me to be distracted and forgetful, namely the 50+ hours per week I spend at the beck and call of 150 people. It’s not a mystery why I’m not particularly present when my mind is a hundred places at once. I’m taking some steps, implementing tools to help me. Trying to use my time more wisely, etc. Deleting apps, unsubscribing from emails. The usual new year stuff.

There’s so much we unconsciously buy into. You’re only really legitimate if you’re loved, you’re only really loved if you’re shapely and fit and fashionable, and so on. It’s a lot to carry around. I do feel like I’m unloading some of it but not really sure what’s on the other side. Also, I want to be loved. I was trained to want all of that stuff.

Not surprisingly, given my mother and my husband, I used to think a lot about dying from disease. But I seem to have reached an age where I’m more concerned about dying suddenly. About a car accident, the hail of gunfire. I don’t feel like I’ve started, let alone finished, what I’m here for. And that seems especially important now that I can see I’m not here for the Big Love. That’s not going to be my story, so then, what is? And can I manage it alone before I’m gone?

Ha, not a cheerful new year post, sorry.

Lots of people chafe under parental expectation, familial responsibilities, partner needs. I don’t have any of that. No one but me cares what I do or if I do anything but what I’m already doing, which at the moment is going to work and then coming home. That used to bother me a lot because I also had no money. I’m financially more secure than I was, and because that tremendous weight has been lifted, I failed to recognize what is almost certainly a low-level depression. One that would certainly explain my distractedness, my loss of spirit. One that is also a hundred percent to be expected. We’ve all been through some stuff lately! I’ve never been one for uncomplicated feelings. I can feel lucky and sad. I am both grateful and disappointed.

So, I am resolving. To write things down, even if I think I’ll remember. I will do puzzles and read and knit. I will maybe, just maybe, pick up my manuscript and finish that thing once and for all. I will try to recognize what restores me and do more of it.

Here’s to a year better than last. I hope you found the best notebook ever.

[cyndavilachase]

I’m Looking Forward Now 💖Thank you and good bye

So, it’s been a little over a week since Steven Universe Future ended… 

I’ve been hesitant to write this, honestly, but I’m tired of holding myself back from properly expressing myself in fear of appearing overly invested in the media I consume, even in private. Writing helps me organize my thoughts and feelings, and I feel like these thoughts in particular may resonate with many, so I want to share them. I want to talk about what Steven Universe has done for me personally, both as an artist, and as a person.

I’ve been around since the day the first episode of the original series aired. I actually remember when Steven Universe was just a logo on Wikipedia’s “List of Upcoming Cartoon Network Shows” list, back when I was a freshman in high school. It piqued my interest, but when commercials finally dropped for it, I thought it was going to be bad because of the way marketing handled introducing Steven as a likeable character. There was still something about it that made me want to give it a chance though, so I went online and watched the pilot before the first episode's release. I was hooked immediately. I knew I was going to love it, and I did. I fell so absolutely in love with Steven as a character, and the world that he and the gems lived in. I became obsessed. I was always so excited for new episodes to come out. Little did I know what else it would do for me as I went through my adolescence alongside it.

As the show progressed, it was evident that what I wanted out of a western animated childrens’ cartoon was finally coming into fruition: this show was becoming serialized. There was continuity, there was plot, there was character development-- it was getting deep. It was pushing the groundwork that Adventure Time laid out even further (thank you, Adventure Time).  

I will give credit where credit is due: earlier western childrens’ cartoons I grew up with like Hey Arnold, and Rugrats, among others, also touched on heavy topics, but Steven Universe was able to take similar ideas (and even more complex ones, concerning mental health and relationships) and expand on them outside of contained episodes and/or short arcs. These themes, which were a part of the show’s overarching story, spanned across its entirety. Continuity was rampant. 

What did this mean? It meant kids cartoons didn’t have to be silly and fun all the time and characters weren’t just actors playing a part in 11-minute skits. Steven and the gems would remember things that happened to them, and it affected them and how they would function and play a part in their story. This was a huge deal to me as a teenager. I always wanted the cartoons I grew up with featuring kid characters to feel more. In my own work, I often felt discouraged when combining a fun, cutesy western art style with themes as dark or layered as anime would cover. I always thought it had to be one or the other because an audience wouldn’t take a combination of the two seriously enough, based on discussions I had with classmates, friends, and online analysis I read at the time. Steven Universe proved to me otherwise. This show was opening the door for future cartoons exploring in-depth, adult concepts. I felt so seen as a kid, and was inspired to stick with what I love doing.

I was actually very worried about the show’s survival. It was in fact immensely underrated and the fandom was miniscule. Then in 2014, JailBreak dropped, and it’s popularity exploded. Part of it was because of the complex plot and the themes it was covering like I mentioned, but also because of its representation. 

I remember when fandom theorized that Garnet was a fusion due to grand, tragic reasons. Turns out, she’s simply a metaphor for a very loving w|w relationship. This was huge. I cannot stress how important it is that we continue to normalize healthy canon queer relationships in childens’ media, and Steven Universe finally was the first to do that proper. Introducing these themes offers the chance for a kid to sit there and ask themselves, “Why is this demonized by so many people?” I asked myself exactly that. Ruby and Sapphire were my cartoon LGBT rep. They were the first LGBT couple I ever ecstatically drew fanart of. I was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia at the time, and they showed me that I was allowed to love women and feel normal about it. The process of overcoming this was a long one, but they played a part in my very first steps into becoming comfortable with my sexuality. I could go on and on about it’s representation in general-- how it breaks the mold when it comes to showcasing a diverse set of characters in design, in casting, and in breaking gender roles. It’s focus on love and empathy. Steven himself is a big boy, but he's the protagonist, and the show never once makes fun of his weight, or any other bigger characters for that matter. It wasn’t hard to see why the fandom had grown so large.

Fandom was always a joy for me. It was a hobby I picked up when I was in middle school, like many of us here did. I would always cater my experience to fun, and fun only. I only started getting more deeply involved in SU’s fandom when I had just turned into an adult. During the summer of 2016, between my first and second year of college, I drew for the show almost every day non-stop when the Summer of Steven event was going on and posted them online. This was a form of practice for me in order to become not just more comfortable with experimenting with my art, but also to meet new artists, make new friends, and learn to interact with strangers without fear. I dealt with a ton of anxiety when I was in high school. When I was a senior applying to art school for animation, I decided I was going to overcome that anxiety. I made plans to take baby steps to improve myself over the course of my 4 years of college. Joining the fandom, while unforeseen, was definitely a part of that process. I started feeling more confident in sharing my ideas, even if they were fan-made. I fell in love with storyboarding after that summer, when I took my first storyboarding class, and genuinely felt like I was actually getting somewhere with all of this. I remember finally coming to a point in my classes where I could pitch and not feel hopelessly insecure about it. I was opening up more to my friends and peers. 

But this process, unfortunately, came to a screeching halt. 

My life completely, utterly crumbled under me in the Fall of 2017 due to a series of blows in my personal life that happened in the span of just a couple weeks. My mental health and sense of identity were completely destroyed. All of that confidence I had worked for-- completely ruined. I was alone. I nearly died. My stay at college was extended to 4 and half years, instead of the 4 I had intended. I lost my love for animation-- making it, and watching it. I could no longer watch Steven Universe with the same love I had for it beforehand. It’s a terrible thing, trying to give your attention to something you don’t love anymore, and wanting so desperately to love again. I dropped so many things I loved in my life, including the fandom.

Healing was a long and complicated road. I continued to watch the show all the way up until Change Your Mind aired in the beginning of 2019, and while I still felt empty, that was definitely a turning point for me with it’s encapsulation of self-love. I was hoping James Baxter would get to work on Steven Universe since he guest-animated on Adventure Time, and it was incredible seeing that wish actually come true. The movie came out and while I enjoyed it and thought highly of it, I was still having issues letting myself genuinely love things again, old and new. It was especially difficult because cartoons were my solace as a kid, when things got rough at home. I remember feeling sad because the show ended, and not getting the chance to love it again like I used to while it was still going.

By the time Steven Universe Future was announced, I was finally coming around. I was genuinely starting to feel excitement for art and animation again. I wasn’t expecting there to be a whole new epilogue series, but happily ever after, there we were! Prickly Pear aired, and the implications it left in terms of where the story was going did it. I was finally ready to let myself take the dive back into fandom in January of this year. My art blew up, something I wasn’t expecting considering my 2-year hiatus. Following this, I was invited into a discord server containing some of the biggest writers, artists, editors, and analysts in the fandom. I had no idea there were so many talented people in the fandom, some already with degrees, some getting their degrees-- creating stuff for it on the side just for fun. The amount of passion and productivity level here is insane, and so is the amount of discussion that has come out of it.

I didn’t realize it at first, but it was actually helping me gain back the courage to share ideas. I lost my confidence in pitching while I was taking the time to heal, and graduating meant there would no longer be a classroom setting I could practice in. This group helped immensely. 

I have made so many friends through this wonderful series, and I have so many fond memories talking to like-minded creatives, getting feedback and a myriad of sources for inspiration, as well as all of the memes and jokes and weekly theorizations that came about as we all waited on the edges of our seats for episodes to air. I needed this so badly, I needed to get back in touch with my roots, when I would go absolutely hog-wild over a cartoon I loved with people who loved it as much I did. Future has been a blessing for me in this way. I graduated feeling like I was back at square-one, but now I feel like I’m on my way again.

It’s 2020 and while I’m doing great right now, I am honestly still recovering from the total exhaustion that followed after graduating a few months ago, and finally leaving the campus where my life fell apart behind. Needless to say, watching Future was like looking into a mirror. Watching one of my favorite characters of all time-- one that grew up with me-- go through so many of the same things I went through not too long ago was absolutely insane to watch unfold. It’s such an important thing too, to show a character go through the process of breaking down over trauma and all the nasty things that come with it, and to have them go on the road to healing. Steven got that therapy. He wasn’t blamed. The gems were called out. The finale was everything I could have ever hoped for. The catharsis I experienced watching it was out of this world.

As I continue my own healing journey, I will always look up to the storyboard artists, revisionists, and designers that I have been following over these past 7 years, as well as the new ones introduced in Future. It's been such a joy watching these artists release their promo art for episodes, talk about their experiences working on the show, and post the work they've done for it alongside episodes airing.

Thank you Rebecca Sugar, the Crewniverse, and the fans, for making this such a truly wonderful and unique experience. Thank you for reminding me that I am, and always will be, an artist, a cartoonist, and a fan. Thank you, my followers, for the overwhelmingly positive response to my artwork. I have had so much fun interacting and discussing the show with you all again over these past few months. Steven Universe and it’s fandom will always have a special place in my heart, and it will always be a classic that I will return to for comfort and inspiration for decades to come. I am sad that the cartoon renaissance is over, but so many doors have been opened thanks to this show. I am so, so excited to see what this show will inspire in the future, and I hope one day I get the opportunity to be a part of that. 

Goodbye Steven, thank you for everything. I wish you healing, and I wish Rebecca and the team a well-deserved rest. ♥️

-Cynthia D.

[thefanficmonster]

Oblivious

Valkyrae (Rae) x Reader (Gender Neutral) ft. Corpse Husband

Warnings: None

Genre: FLUFF, Humor, RPF (Real Person Fic)

Summary: In the most desperate of times, we may or may not be used to hearing the phrase ‘Beggers can’t be choosers’ which is exactly why Y/N’s found themself asking the most hopeless of cases when it comes to love and romance - Corpse, for help.

Requested by Xara. Hi darling! Thank you so much for this wonderful request you’ve sent me - I love writing for Rae (excuse my bi excitement, I’m just a HUGE simp) and I can’t thank you enough for giving me the opportunity to do so. Sorry it’s been two months since you requested this but here it finally is and I hope it makes up for the wait. Love, Vy ❤

“Corpse, I’m in desperate need for help.“ I don’t even bother with a friendly or even polite greeting. Being best friends for as long as we have, Corpse and I excluded the politeness that comes with phone calls a long time ago, especially when calling with an emergency. Though, let’s be honest, if I’m calling him on the phone and not on video chat like I usually do, it is an emergency.

“Given that you’re asking me, I can imagine how desperate you are.“ He has the audacity to laugh in response, causing me to roll my eyes. 

Now, don’t get the wrong idea - I love Corpse with all my heart. Him and I have been through A LOT together considering we know each other since we were teenagers. However, there are some instances in life when he simply doesn’t get me. Not that he doesn’t try to, he does and does so very hard, but he rarely succeeds. Trying is what matters, of course. Given that he is my only close friend, I can only ever turn to him with my problems though I try my best not to bother him too much, but when things get REALLY tough, I can’t help but go and vent to him. Luckily, he’s always been very understanding, but it may be because he feels like he owes me for all the times he has turned to me with his problems. I’ve tried to explain that he shouldn’t feel such a way, but that’s rather hypocritical of me cause I feel the same way.

Alright, enough digressing, back on track!

“Desperate doesn’t even begin to summarize how I feel.“ I sigh, plopping down on the couch in my living room, kicking my feet up on the coffee table as I cover my eyes with my hand. “Brutally miserable is, I think, the correct term to use here.“

I hear Corpse let out a quiet ‘oof’, one I think he hoped I wouldn’t hear. “And what led you to finally give in and ask for help, not that I can offer you much?”

I can’t help but snort at that, a snort that serves as a replacement to slapping myself across the face. “Rae texted me yesterday asking if I’d like to play Minecraft with her and I took THREE HOURS to respond! Not on purpose, I just couldn’t think of something good to say!” I know I sound like a whiney kid, but I think I’ve passed that threshold LONG ago. Of course, this whiney kid version of me only surfaces around Corpse and Corpse only. No one else is allowed to see me like this or that would legit be the end of any sort of pride I may have left in me.

“You mean you couldn’t choose between ‘Sure, I’d like that!’ and ‘Of course, I’d love to!’? Please say yes.“ Corpse already sounds disappointed and he hasn’t even heard the worst of it yet.

“No and sit tight, it gets worse. I...“

He cuts me off, “Wait, no, don’t say it. Let me guess - you turned her down? Keep in mind if you say yes I’m hanging up on you.”

I remain silent, pinching the bridge of me nose and cringing as hard as my facial muscles are willing to allow. I can’t say yes, not cause he’ll hang up but because admitting it makes it more real, and the more real it is the more depressed it’ll make me and I will go back to being a self-deprecating mess that refuses to be productive or properly functioning - aka ‘Whiney Kid Maximum’.

“I’m hanging up.“ Corpse says after waiting five seconds for my response that only comes in the form of dead silence which is more than enough of an answer in and of itself.

“No, please don’t!“ I squeak out despite my agony, “I’ll never break the cycle if you don’t help me, Corpse! I’m a hopeless case!“

“You’re a hopeless case with or without me, Y/N.“ He states, angering me ever so slightly. “Not only cause you really are, but because I have nothing useful to offer you. Not even a single advice. Even if I did, giving it to you would by hypocritical when considered how bad I am on this field myself. Hell, the very person you’re head over heels for is my personal matchmaker. If anything, you should be asking her how to swoon her...“ He pauses.

So does my brain.

For a second we’re both quiet, the silence on the line suggesting big plans are being developed - well, not on my end but still.

“Now there’s an idea...“ He mutters more to himself than to me.

“No!“ I shriek fearfully, “Please, if you love me even the tiniest bit, Corpse, don’t put me in a situation where I have to be alone with Rae! Not IRL not in a Discord call - not in ANYTHING. I close up and end up seeming unfriendly and rude because of my inability to talk to her like a normal human being! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just can’t do it! So please don’t make me.“

I maybe can’t read minds, but hell if I can’t at least have a rough guess of what’s on my best friend’s mind - I know he’s already scheming and coming up with odd solutions to my problem - some of which will cause me more problems but let’s not even mention those. That being said, I need to prevent him from actually carrying out any of his absurd schemes, otherwise it’s game over for me.

“Hmm, ok fine, but only cause I wanna spare you your own awkwardness. Consider it charity.“ He sighs, the disappointment even more evident now.

I sigh too, but I do so in defeated relief. It’s bittersweet, to be honest. ��Thank you.”

“Don’t.“ He says sharply, “Don’t thank me. It’ll make me feel like I’m encouraging your behavior.“

Well, screw my feelings, I guess. I’m left on this battlefield alone, aren’t I?

Corpse hanging up the call confirms that I am, indeed, alone.

                                                             *  *  *

“Hello?“

“Are you still in bed, for the love of God? It’s noon!“ Not only did he have the audacity to wake me up with his phone call, but now he has the audacity to judge me on my sleeping habits as well. Some darn nerve he has.

“What do you want, Corpse?“ I grumble out, groggy and now grumpy too. The last thing I need is the only person I can turn to turning on me. Especially not now. I don’t need his or anybody else’s judgement of me or my life, it’ll hurt too much.

“I want to know how long you haven’t showered, Y/N.“ He barks back, causing me to roll my eyes. “And when’s the last time you actually ate something healthy and nutritious and not just greasy takeout?”

“I showered last night!“ I straighten up and frown, feeling offended despite his questions being justifiable. I think that’s exactly why I’m pissed off, to be honest - he knows me and my habits too well. “And you’re just being hypocritical on the eating part!“

“Whatever.“ He mutters, allowing me to feel at least a tiny sense of victory for having proven him wrong, “Get your ass up and come play Minecraft with me, you need to be cheered up asap.“ He continues, much to my dismay. “And don’t even think about saying ‘no’. If you do, just remember, I have your address and a strong will to kick your ass into shape.“

“Into shape? We’re going to the gym or something?“ I’m honestly confused and intrigued now. Maybe the gym isn’t such a bad idea, I’m sure I could become really good friends with the punching bag.

Corpse sighs exasperatedly in a way I can basically hear him roll his eyes as well, “Not that kind of shape, Y/N. Just get on Discord, seriously, I’m worried about you.“ 

That sentence strikes a nerve. Something about that genuine concern in his voice reminds me that I still need to move on from focusing so strongly on just my failures, no matter how big or small, and keep pushing forward, if not for myself then for the people who care about me. For Corpse especially, seeing as how he’s sort of been my babysitter ever since my feelings towards Rae started to consume me whole and suffocate me. I don’t know how or when it happened, in fact I can best describe it as the Titanic: I was doing ok and then instead of hitting an iceberg the iceberg of feelings hit me and I started sinking. Corpse was there to offer me a hand to help me keep at least my head above the surface. He can’t pull me out of the water but he’s not willing to let go either. I’m afraid holding on like that will tire him out to the point of letting go of me completely, but I’m afraid of sinking too. You see my dilemma here, no?

“Ok, give me twenty minutes.“

I would have probably continued sleeping or just chilled on social media, refusing to get out of bed for at least another hour, but the debt I feel towards Corpse is stronger than the desire to be a slob so I motivate myself with every power my fragile mind can fish out of the void and push the covers off me, shivering at the drastic change in temperature around my body now that I’m exposed to the rather cool air in my room, my pajamas hopeless at providing me with any warmth.

Twenty minutes later sharp, I’m seated at my desk, in front of my computer with my headphones on, taking one last encouraging breath before entering the call where Corpse is waiting for me.

“Yo.“ I greet him half-heartedly, drawing invisible abstract patterns on my desk with my finger as if I’m avoiding eye contact with him IRL.

“Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of punctuality at least.“ He chuckles, sounding a lot more pleasant and a lot more like my friend Corpse and less like sergeant Corpse Husband who was speaking with me on the phone earlier.

“Very funny.“ I murmur in my now common brooding manner, “Anyway, enough about me, how are you doing? Anything interesting happen since we last spoke?“

“You mean in the past ten hours? No, nothing interesting apart from that I managed to catch a few z’s.“ He replies as I join the Minecraft server, managing to get a smile out of me.

“Hey, that’s nice to hear! Good for you, Corpsie.“ I say, honestly proud and happy for him.

“Yeah, and just so you’re not calling me hypocritical on the topic of eating, I’m currently cooking myself lunch.“ He points out, now just straight up peacocking, “On that note, I got a pot on the stove so you’ll have to excuse me for a sec.“

“Please go. Don’t set your apartment on fire the first time you cook” I snicker, leaning back in my chair and fetch my phone to kill the time while he’s gone to tend to whatever attempt at a meal he has prepping in his kitchen. I feel bad for his stomach, and his kitchen, already.

“Corpse? Hi!“

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no - tell me that was an auditory hallucination and I didn’t actually hear that just now! TELL ME!

“Rae?“ I blurt out, almost falling backwards out of my chair, eyes wide, jaw hanging slightly.

Just then I get a text from Corpse:

Consider me dead and carry the convo. I know you’ve got this, Y/N

Oh that prick is gonna get it!

“Y/N? Hi! Sorry, Corpse didn’t mention you’d be playing with us, but it’s so nice to be hearing from you! It feels like it’s been forever.“ Rae replies, cheery and enthusiastic as ever, just like the absolute sweetheart she is.

With Corpse absent from his position, without his metaphorical hand holding mine, I’m metaphorically sinking and drowning. Maybe the drowning part isn’t so metaphorical after all, considering I actually am drowning in all the thoughts produced by my mind at the moment. A mind that’s going completely haywire, might I add.

“Hehe, well, funny thing, he didn’t tell me you’d be playing with us either.“ I chuckle anxiously, already breaking out in a nervous sweat. I solemnly promise to kill Corpse first chance I get, that way he’ll at least be dead for real.

“He set us up, huh? What’s his game, where even is he?“ Rae asks, properly confused as she should be.

All on-point questions, hun. And I can’t answer any of them logically.

“Um, you know, he’s off doing...something.“ And there go my conversational skills out the window, I hope they send me a postcard one day.

“Whatever, enough about Mr. Ominous. Tell me, what’s been keeping you busy?“ Oh crap, this is the question I’ve been fearing. Mostly cause I’m not prepared for it. “Actually no, let me rephrase: Why have you been avoiding me recently?“

‘Oh crap’ squared. Tripled.

“Whaaat? Avoiding you? Where’d you get that idea?“ I’m aware of my high pitched voice, but it’s not like I can do much to tone it down. Every part of me is in critical panic mode and rationality has accompanied my aforementioned conversational skills out the window.

“I don’t know, Y/N. Ignoring my texts, leaving me on ‘Seen’ and then declining my offer just to accept the same one coming from Corpse - can’t really blame me for finding it shady.“ She replies, her words making me wince and hide my face in the palms of my hands as though it’ll shield me from Rae’s brutal honesty and forthrightness. 

“I’ve been...bad at replying to everyone lately, nothing personal, I swear.“ Yeah, that sounded convincing, good gosh-darn job, Y/N!

“Why’s that?“ Something about her tone suggest she knows I’m lying and is just humoring me and my agony. I don’t know if to thank her for it or wish she’d just rip off the band-aid and confront me head-on. In that case I’d have only one of two options: freeze up or spill my guts. Honestly, I don’t know which is worse. “I thought you’d reach out to me, given you’ve found yourself in a pickle.”

I frown, confused and wary like I’m walking on thin ice over a pool of sharks, “Pickle? What pickle?“

“Corpse mentioned you needed dating advice.“ She replies simply as though it should’ve been obvious and as if it’s the most casual, regular and normal thing. Little does she know...

“Um, yeah, I guess you can call it that.“ I murmur sheepishly, my cheeks reddening.

“Who’s the lucky girl?“ She asks, the excitement now replacing the previous suspicion she was fronting, making me nervous as hell.

My heart skips a beat, “How’d you know I’m crushing on a girl?“

“Uh...“ She stumbles over her words, pausing to collect her thoughts and formulate a response, “Corpse told me!“ When the reply finally arrives it’s as high pitched as mine was earlier, suggesting something ain’t right.

I stay quiet, my mind and heart racing which is quicker. My leg is bouncing, my fingers are tapping the keyboard rhythmically as I rack my brain, pushing it to put the pieces of this enigmatic puzzle together, connect the dots.

When it finally does, I’m left with a horrific end-result, a realization that makes me go pale as a ghost, “He told you who said girl is too, didn’t he?” I say, my voice barely above a whisper. I keep the tone low so she doesn’t notice how shaky it is.

It takes her a few seconds to reply, but when she does I kinda wish she hadn’t, “Maybe...”

My first instinct is to excuse myself from the call, pack all my kitchen knives and drive to Corpse’s house but with my limbs having lost any and all feeling in them that is practically impossible. So, I settle for my second instinct which is hiding my face in the palms of my hands as though they can shield me from the immense embarrassment Corpse has set me up for.

“Listen...“ I start, not sure where I wanna go with this, “You don’t have to say anything, I get the hint. No need to bother with a gentle reje-“

“I like you too, Y/N!“ Rae cuts off my rambling with a melodic laugh, “I’m sorry, but you can be very oblivious sometimes, and I just wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine for a bit. Sorry if I freaked you out.“ Judging by her tone, she’s not sorry at all. In fact, she’s one step away from bursting out into laughter.

“Trust me, ‘freaked out’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.“ I sigh, exasperatedly, sinking into my chair alike a deflated balloon. “You and Corpse are gonna pay for that heart attack you led me to the brink of!”

This time, she doesn’t hold back, letting out the laughter she’s been holding back this whole time, “I don’t know how Corpse will do that, but could I pay my dues with a brunch on Friday?”

My eyebrows shoot up, “Miss Valkyrae, is this you asking me out on a date?“ I ask teasingly - aka with more confidence than I feel.

Please say ‘yes’. Please say ‘yes’. Please say ‘yes’.

“I don’t know, what do you think, Y/N?“ She asks, tone just as teasing as mine.

“Hey, I’m not as oblivious as you claim I am!“ I argue light-heartedly, “Does 2PM work for you?“

“Any time works for me.“ Rae replies, a smile blatantly evident in her voice. A smile that unleashes a flock of butterflies in my stomach.

And just like that, I have a date with the girl I’ve had a crush on for the longest time. It happened so fast it’s practically a blurred part in my mind, but one thing I’m sure will be crystal-clearly imbedded in my mind forever is that brunch on Friday. Just then, I get yet another text from Mr. Schemer himself.

That wasn’t so hard now, was it?

Some nerve he has, I swear to God.

[mellometal]

Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too. 

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs): 

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man. 

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want. 

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too. 

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around. 

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Five years ago, the women on this site who treated me like trash over loving Labyrinth and shipping Jareth/Sarah were almost always obliviously consuming Radfem propaganda, or were out and out Radfems/Terfs themselves.

They were the types of people who casually threw the word “pedophile” around against grown women who shipped an adult Sarah with Jareth, aka literally one of the most popular ships for women in fandom for 30 years.

Pretty much invariably, these women had serious sex-negative anxieties, which included a severe paranoia about any and all kink and fetish, and porn in general. I saw a lot of shocking, fear-mongering propaganda surrounding sexual expression. Pretty much invariably, their method of approach involved immediate personal shock-value attacks on anyone they perceived to be “bad.”

Today, you can look at the way some people react to other popular so-called “problematic” ships and recognize the same toxic, fear-mongering rhetoric coming from women who consider themselves regular, trans-inclusive feminists. Sometimes it even manifests in the words of very well-meaning people (including myself here), who feel the need to talk about specific issues that pertain to their own experiences of trauma and oppression.

The people who shit on Labyrinth often seem to not really be able to comprehend that the Goblin King, like the film itself, is canonically a representation of a teen girl’s psyche, a soup of fears and anxieties and desires and dreams. He’s not a literal human adult preying on a literal child, and to read the film that way seriously undermines the entire point of the film. 

When I (and people of many fandoms) say “This is fiction, calm down,” I’m not just saying it’s not real so it cant hurt you and you can’t criticize me. I’m trying to call attention to what fiction actually is - artistic representations of feelings and experiences. The Goblin King is Sarah’s fiction. Therefore, he can be anything she or any woman who identifies with her wants him to be, including her lover when she’s grown and ready for such a thing.

I once took an alarming dive into Beetlejuice fandom to see what content was there (the cartoon was a favorite when I was little). Chillingly, what you’ll find is an extremely wounded fanbase, with a sharp divide between the older women who had long been shipping BJ/Lydia because of their love for the cartoon series (and whom were previously the vast majority of the Beetlejuice fandom), and a massive amount of young people riding the wave of the musical fad who had decided that the entire old school Beetlejuice fandom was populated by literal pedophiles. 

I saw death threats. Suicide baiting. Constant, constant toxic discourse. It did not matter how the BJ/Lydia fandom dealt with any particular issues that would exist in their ship, in fact I’m certain that the people abusing them cared very little to even consider if they were trying to handle it at all. The only thing that mattered was that they were disgusting subhuman scum asking for abuse. If you have at any time reblogged recent Beetlejuice fan art or content from fans of the musical, you have more than likely been engaging positively with the content of someone participating in toxic fandom behavior.

Nobody is really sticking up for them, either, as far as I saw. It’s really hard to imagine how painful it must be to have such a large group of people explode into into your relatively private fandom space to tell you that you are evil, vile, and deserve constant abuse, and also you are no longer allowed into the fandom space to engage in it’s content. But I think there’s something very alarming indeed about this happening specifically to the BJ fandom, and I’ll explain why. 

The pop-culture characterization of Beetlejuice, which is heavily influenced by the cartoon series to be clear, has always in my mind been a vaguely ageless being who matches with the psychological maturity of whatever age Lydia is supposed to be. He’s more or less like an imaginary friend, a manifestation of Lydia’s psyche. In fact, I would argue that i think most of us who grew up with the cartoon or it’s subsequent merchandizing before the musical ever existed probably internalized the idea as BJ and Lydia as this ageless, salt-and-pepper-shaker couple beloved by the goth community, similar to Gomez and Morticia. In each version of canon he may be a creepy ghost in the literal sense, but any adult who is capable of identifying literary tropes (even just subconciously) would read cartoon!BJ as an artistic representation of a socially awkward outcast girl’s inner world. Lydia’s darker dispositions and interests, which alienate her from most others, are freely accepted and embraced by her spooky magical friend. BJ/Lydia in the cartoon were depicted as best friends, but to my memory there was always an underlying sense that they had secret feelings for each other, which I identified easily even as a small child. In fact, their dynamic and behavior perfectly reflected the psychological development of the show’s target demographic. They are best friends who get into adventures and learning experiences together, who have delicate feelings for each other but lack any true adult romantic/sexual understanding to acknowledge those feelings, let alone pursue them.

Though I haven’t seen the Musical yet, I’ve read the wiki and I would argue that it embodies this exact same concept even more so for it’s own version of the characters, in that Beetlejuice specifically exists to help Lydia process her mother’s death.

This is not a complicated thing to recognize and comprehend whatsoever. In fact, it looks downright blatant. It’s also a clear indicator of what BJ/Lydia means to the women who have long loved it. It was a story about a spooky wierd girl being loved and accepted and understood for who she was, and it gave them a sense of solidarity. It makes perfect sense why those women would stick with those characters, and create a safe little space for themselves to and imagine their beloved characters growing and having adult lives and experiencing adult drama, in just the same ways that the women of the Labyrinth fandom do. That’s all these women were doing. And now, they can’t do it without facing intense verbal violence. That safe space is poisoned now.

Having grown up with the cartoon as one of my favorites and been around goth subculture stuff for decades, I was actually shocked and squicked at the original Beetlejuice film’s narrative once I actually saw it, because it was extremely divorced from what these two characters had evolved into for goth subculture and what they meant to me. It’s not telling the same story, and is in fact about the Maitland's specifically. In pretty much exactly the same way two different versions of Little Red Riding Hood can be extremely different from each other, the film is a different animal. While I imagine that the film version has been at the heart of a lot of this confused fear-mongering around all other versions of the characters, I would no more judge different adaptations of these characters any more than I would condemn a version of Little Red in which Red and the Wolf are best friends or lovers just because the very first iteration of LRRH was about protecting yourself from predators.

I would even argue that the people who have engaged in Anti-shipper behavior over BJ/Lydia are in intense denial over the fact that BJ being interested in Lydia, either as blatant predatory behavior a la the film or on a peer level as in the cartoon (and musical?) is an inextricable part of canon. Beetlejuice was always attracted to Lydia, and it was not always cute or amusing. Beetlejuice was not always a beloved buddy character, an in fact was originally written as a gross scumbag. That’s just what he was. Even people engaging with him now by writing OC girlfriends for him (as stand-ins for the salt-and-pepper-shaker space Lydia used to take up, because obviously that was part of the core fun of the characters), or just loving him as a character, are erasing parts of his character’s history in order to do so. They are actively refusing to be held responsible for being fans of new version of him despite the fact that he engaged in overt predatory behavior in the original film. In fact, I would venture to say that they are actively erasing the fact that Musical Beetliejuice tried to marry a teenager and as far as I’m aware, seemed to like the idea (because he’s probably a fucking figment of her imagination but go off I guess). The only reason they can have a version of this character who could be perceived as “buddy” material is because...the cartoon had an impact on our pop cultural perception of what the character and his dynamic with Lydia is. 

We can have a version of the Big Bad Wolf who’s a creepy monster. We can have a version who’s sweet and lovable. We can have a version that lives in the middle. We can have a version who’s a hybrid between Red and the Wolf (a la Ruby in OUAT). All of these things can exist in the same world, and can even be loved for different reasons by the same people.

I’ve been using Beetlejuice as an example here because it’s kind of perfect for my overall point regarding the toxic ideologies in fandom right now across many different spaces, including ones for progressive and queer media, and how much so many people don’t recognize how deeply they’ve been radicalized into literalist and sex-negative radfem rhetoric, to the point where we aren’t allowed to have difficult, messy explorations of imperfect, flawed humans, and that art is never going to be 100% pure and without flaw in it’s ability to convey what it wants to convey.

This includes the rhetoric I’ve seen across the board, from She-Ra to A:TLA to Star Wars to Lovecraft Country. We don’t talk about the inherent malleable, subjective, or charmingly imperfect nature of fiction any more. Transformation and reclamation are myths in this space. Everything is in rigid categories. It is seemingly very difficult for some of these people to engage with anything that is not able to be clearly labeled as one thing or another (see the inherent transphobic and biphobic elements of the most intense rhetoric). They destroy anything they cannot filter through their ideology. When women act in a way that breaks from their narrative of womanhood (like...not having a vagina), then those women must be condemned instead of understood. Anything that challenges them or makes them uncomfortable is a mortal sin. There is an extraordinary level of both hypocrisy and repressive denial that is underlying the behavior I’m seeing now. Much like toxic Christian conservatism, these people often are discovered engaging in the same behaviors and interests that they condemn behind closed doors (or just out of sheer cognitive dissonance). As an example, one of the people who talked shit to me about Labyrinth was a huge fan of Kill La Kill, which to my knowledge was an anime about a teenage girl in like, superpowered lingere (hence why I stayed the fuck away from that shit myself). Indeed, they even allow themselves plenty of leeway for behavior far worse than they condemn others for, and create support systems for the worst of their own abusers. 

Quite frankly, I’m tired. Instead of talking about theoretical problematic shit, we need to start talking about quantifiable harm. Because as far as I can tell, the most real, immediate, and quantifiable harm done because of anybody’s favorite ships or pieces of media seems to consistently be the kind that’s done to the people who experience verbal violence and abuse and manipulation and suicide baiting and death threats from the people who have a problem.

[meditating-dog-lover]

Food and health in general

When you go online, you'll see a lot of posts and videos on social media about foods that are good for you, foods that are bad for you, habits that are good for you, habits that are bad for you, etc... What you should be doing is realizing that Google and social media aren't doctors and you should pay attention to how each food or habit makes you feel. Also doing regular annual checkups to assess your health such as blood work, physicals, dental, vision, etc... helps so you have a personalized diagnosis for where your health stands and what may be harming you or what may not be harming you.

For instance, I don't have the perfect gluten/dairy/sugar-free vegetarian/vegan non-inflammatory detox diet. Still, I know that obsessing over food and putting myself in an orthorexic mindstate will make me feel a lot worse and unwell than if I ate normally and not perfect. I developed an eating disorder in college from this obsessive way of thinking. I know that some chocolate and pizza will not bother me, but I also want to be sure I am consuming healthy foods rich in vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, healthy fats, proteins, and complex carbs. I also want to assess how each food makes me feel. For example, eating too much salt makes me bloated and not feel well, so eating too much salty snacks may not be a good idea for me. Eating too much sugary foods makes me feel unwell too. So sticking to small amounts or eating dark chocolate or drinking a sweet drink that is not too sweet (mocha is my go to sweet drink) can help. Soft drinks also make me bloated, so I avoid those and stick to drinking water and matcha tea (unsweetened). This way, I might be avoiding certain foods, but I am avoiding them with the intention of taking better care of myself and paying attention to how I feel rather than depriving and punishing myself like I did in college. Worrying that eating fried foods and sugar will give me premature wrinkles. To some, eating bread or cheese makes them feel very sick and unwell. Personally, I don't have that problem so I don't see the point of avoiding cheese or bread.

Regarding exercise, some people say you have to lift heavy and do weights. I work full time and by the time I get home, I am exhausted. Plus I don't feel like going to the gym and exercising in public and having to pay for a membership. And my body goal is to be generally slim and fit, not super lean and/or muscular. Therefore, doing simple workouts like walking, pilates, bodyweight circuits, and stretching is perfectly enough. It's not that intense and some don't consider it to be exercise. But for my body, it is plenty. And I feel very accomplished and well after completing a workout, not to mention the amount of fat I lost just by doing this.

Besides issues with my weight, I had dental problems. Of course I would spend hours online looking for reasons why I have dental problems from holistic dentists (I don't trust 99% of dentists due to a bad experience as a teenager that makes me avoid most of them). I would read about how I have vitamin and mineral deficiencies and that I need to use natural toothpaste. Well, I used natural toothpaste and it did nothing to clean my teeth. Also, I did blood work and I have no deficiencies. My solution was to see a trustworthy conventional dentist who easily pinpointed my dental issue. My crooked teeth make it harder to clean and take care of them. So brushing and flossing doesn't do a perfect job since my teeth do need braces. This solved a lot more of my dental issues that Google did. And of course, I still don't trust most dentists and I have every right not to. I'm just happy I found a trustworthy one who I am willing to work with on improving my dental health.

Besides all that, I don't have any other issues thankfully. I am in very good health. My sleep is getting better too. I am in a better mood now that I am no longer depressed like I was last year. I want to take better care of my health with each passing week now that I am happier and more productive and I have a job and money. I am wearing sunscreen and am taking great care of my skin, going out for walks, spending time with my family and dog, journaling and relaxing and having "me time" whenever I can. I also don't drink nor smoke which is another thing that helps with my heath. I am also stretching more.

I can't wait to get braces.

[likeabxrdinflight]

I posted 2,376 times in 2021

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For every post I created, I reblogged 3.1 posts.

I added 760 tags in 2021

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#....i tell myself i don't believe in astrology and it's true that i don't take it super seriously but i can't lie that the libra personality

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

anyways not to be like, super gay all the time but can we just. talk about the soft way hanajima looks at akito

I genuinely don’t think we’ve ever seen her look that compassionately at anyone besides tohru??? I mean I know I ship akitohru, but in a kyoru endgame world I’d want akito to end up with hanajima instead of shigure. sorry not sorry lol.

316 notes • Posted 2021-06-08 02:09:30 GMT

#4

azula really is much funnier when you remember that she’s functionally an 8th grader

like can you honestly tell me that this: 

“maybe you should worry less about the tides, who’ve already made up their minds about killing you, and worry more about me, who’s still mulling it over”

isn’t something an edgy teenager trying to be intimidating would say. because it is. it 100% is. 

332 notes • Posted 2021-01-10 03:08:03 GMT

#3

seeing a lot of bad takes about disney during pride month and I really need people to read books like tinker belles and evil queens because disney has a very complex and unique history with the queer community that not many other brands do, and it's an awful lot more nuanced than "corporation bad".

I mean disney does do a lot of shit with their constant buy out of every media company in existence, but that's independent of their treatment of queer folks. they were, historically, one of the best organizations to work for if you were gay in the 20th century. people could be out and work for disney. they moved the entire production of beauty and the beast to new york so howard ashman could still work on it while he was dying of aids.

please it's just so much more complex than what you're seeing on the surface. disney is far, far from perfect, but if any corporation has the right to post performative stuff on twitter, it really is disney.

409 notes • Posted 2021-06-04 17:33:12 GMT

#2

I also want to talk about llith’s role in this episode because I feel like the fandom kinda has this twisted right now. it’s not that she was the “least favorite” child so much as she was the healthy child. the abled child. 

I saw absolutely no signs in this episode that gwendolyn actively favored eda or disliked lilith in any way. instead it came across that gwendolyn felt eda just needed her more. this happens sometimes in families with a disabled or sick child- especially if that illness is something serious and/or life-threatening- the parents become consumed with the care of the sick child and end up neglecting the healthy ones. it’s not okay, but you can see why it happens. 

it isn’t intentional, it isn’t the same thing as favoritism. it’s just that the parent perceives the healthy child as being able to handle things, and the sick child needs more of their attention. gwendolyn became consumed with her quest to cure eda, she devoted all her time and effort into finding treatments and cures that she went so far down this pyramid scheme rabbit hole out of sheer desperation to do something to make it better. and lilith...lilith didn’t need any of that. lilith seemed to be doing well. she was in the emperor’s coven, she was successful and smart and capable. so her needs fell by the wayside, and she felt neglected and forgotten by her mother. 

and that’s so common in these situations, so it is critical that families with sick or disabled children not fall into this trap of overprotecting one child because they assume they’re incapable and neglecting the other because they assume they’re fine. but again, it’s not like it’s this malicious thing and it’s certainly not the same thing as favoritism. 

800 notes • Posted 2021-07-03 16:55:26 GMT

#1

Somewhat ironically, I think possibly the most human story about 9/11 is the one about the tree they found in the rubble.

About thirty days or so after the attacks, as rescue workers were trying to clear the wreckage and find the bodies of the dead, they found this little tree branch sticking out, otherwise unremarkable...but it still had leaves. And do you know what they did?

They dug out this tree. They dug this burnt and blackened tree out of the pile, took it out of the city and re-planted it to give it a chance to survive. To grow back. Just because they saw these leaves. And by some miracle, it did, and ten years later they brought this now 30-foot-tall tree back to lower Manhattan to plant it in the memorial at ground zero. They brought the tree home.

And is that just not...the most human fucking thing? These guys saw this one thing in that pile that was still alive, and they said dammit, we're gonna save this little tree. We can't save anything else, but we're gonna save this tree. And they did.

Say what you want about people, but I truly believe we are good at heart.

12470 notes • Posted 2021-09-11 13:02:13 GMT

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[shihalyfie]

hi! this is out of curiosity, since when do you start to watch adv series in its original jap. ver.? do you find any difficulty in trying to adapt, get used to it? like the voices, names of the characters, music, the way the story is presented. i first watch the series in my own language and the english ver (not the us ver., more like asian english ver.) before i encounter the original jap. ver. during my teenage years and get used to it over time until now. i'm okay with dub ver, but i always prefer, love to watch the jap. ver. more than other dubs.

(Note: This was cleared up later with the asker and various parties, so mostly leaving this for posterity: while it's not universally well-known, "J*p" is a slur originating from WWII, so I ask that people please be careful about not using that even as an abbreviation.)

Regardless of language, I've always been interested in original versions of any dubbed media for as long as I've been consuming media (I won't say I'm necessarily a purist, I just happen to have a natural curiosity for what must have been the original source), so I'd been interested in the Japanese version of Digimon ever since I first got into it, and had been following it ever since it started getting translated. If you know anything about Digimon and subbing, it actually took some years for most early Digimon series to get decent quality subs in full, so I thank everyone involved for their hard work, especially since the prevailing attitude at the time was that "the (American) English dub didn't change anything substantial anyway" (ignoring the fact that there would still be good reason to have the Japanese version on hand even if that were the case...) and the demand for it was even more niche than it is now.

I didn't really have problems getting used to names. I did have to get used to the voices, because since I got in with the American English dub initially, I had a strong attachment to the voices I'd associated with them there (and I still do, even if I haven't fully watched the dub in years!), so there would be things like Yamato (Kazama Yuuto)'s voice being much deeper than I'd expected, or Agumon's voice being completely different in general, but I got used to it quickly because I felt like everyone fit their character perfectly in their own way. The music was a bit surprising, but I was never too incredibly attached to the original music anyway so it was mostly just discovering something new and fun. Other than that, I guess I was incredibly surprised by how different of an impression 02 gave me, especially Daisuke; having been eyeing 02 in Japanese since translation efforts first started, I knew there had been some changes (Hurricane Touchdown...) but the actual degree really surprised me, especially since, as I said, the prevailing attitude was that "it didn't change much". Part of the reason I write so extensively about how much the 02 dub changed is that I personally witnessed firsthand how much my perception of the series abruptly shifted after my first time watching it in Japanese, and how nearly impossible it became to hold analytical conversations about certain smaller details with people who mistakenly over-applied dub things to the Japanese version because "we're actually talking about two different things, aren't we..." never comes up thanks to how prevalent this myth is. Driving this home further, I don't have this issue at all with fans who had their own local dubs more closely adapted from the Japanese version, so the problem really isn't whether it was in Japanese or not, or whether it was a dub or not, as much as the fact "the script really did change that much".

Currently, I guess I would say I have a pretty complicated relationship with Digimon's American English dubs. Like I said, I don't necessarily think I'm a purist or anything, and even though I have an increased stake in watching things in Japanese since I can actually understand much more about the language than I used to, I myself still enjoy a good dub and also completely understand and appreciate the nature of what dubbing entailed in those days, the dub's role in getting Digimon to a wider audience, the reason people prefer dubs and how important this one is to people, and, heck, I still love the voice actors. At the same time, this "it didn't change anything significant" myth has been really damaging and frustrating to deal with, because you get pointless, unnecessary arguments about people trying to talk about two very different versions of the series and arguing because they don't realize the characters they're discussing weren't even written similarly (hi, Mimi and Daisuke). Even if people do acknowledge the changes, there's also a tendency to worship that dub, so even though I feel my complaints about it are pretty legitimate ones (my gripes mainly being that I'm uncomfortable with the characterization changes, I feel many of the changes caused a significant adverse impact on the story and characterization integrity especially in the case of 02, and I get a bit of a bad feeling about some of the cultural localization attempts in dialogue borderline crossing into racism), it's frustrating to constantly get shut down because everything should be excused as long as it was in someone's childhood, and it's also frustrating to see these dismissals applied to people who had their own aforementioned local dubs and are upset at how this impacted their own childhood, but are thrown under the bus because their own dub is treated disrespectfully as if it were "secondary" to the American English dub somehow being the enforced, mandated standard for any kind of localized Digimon outside Japan.

I completely understand that a lot of this is lashback developed from Japanese-version-only purist camps being obnoxious about dunking on dubs, but it's uncomfortable observing the results of the fallout when you're kind of here in the middle not wanting to dunk on it for the sake of dunking on it, but also having concerns that you feel everyone is dismissing you for. (Not helping is also the fact that obnoxious purists love to dunk on people for having a personal preference for dubs; there are a lot of reasons to prefer them even if you're aware of the changes, personal emotional attachment and accessibility reasons being among them, and my grievances have more to do with the "it didn't change anything" myth still being prevalent, the experiences of having any criticism I have of it being so easily dismissed, and the fact that a combination of both means that having strong loyalty to the Japanese version gets you pinned as being an unusual purist or being overly picky.)

Also, I think one thing that isn't often talked about is that there's a huge difference between the dubs of everything up to 02 and the dubs of everything between Tamers and Savers (Xros Wars we'll...leave aside for now, haha). In the case of the latter, the aggressive joke-adding is much less intrusive, the changes (including to characterization) are less significant, and you can even see this in that Diablomon Strikes Back's dub has much closer dialogue and characterization to the original than anything else from the 02 dub. So a lot of what I said above actually just applies to Adventure and 02 more than anything. For series after, I don't make it a habit to watch their dubs as often these days, but I'm still familiar with them and have my own pretty strong sense of nostalgia for the Tamers and Frontier ones in particular, and for anything after 02, I haven't had any particular experience with other fans regarding trying to discuss the series but finding we're talking about two different things, other than maybe one or two minor things that had to be cleared up every so often. So in that case I myself also agree more with the idea of mostly treating the dubbed and Japanese versions as the same thing, whereas with Adventure and 02 I honestly feel they need to be treated as separate and distinct things.

In the end I guess the take-home I have here is that I feel like my experience going from the dub to the Japanese version has been a lot less shocking or eventful than dealing with the perceptions and stigmas around them from other people...^^;;

[tired-fandom-ndn]

All of the noncon or incest fic that I’ve ever read did none of the harm that liking even tame detective shows as a young teenager did in terms of teaching me bad stuff yet I’ve never seen Law and Order or anything like it on antis problematic media lists or people who watch it on their list of targets

To be clear I don’t think people who watch it should be harassed either and now that I’m older and much more educated I can better watch those shows without falling for the propaganda or lies they spread (though I don’t like them anymore) so I think it is possible to critically consume them

But the hypocrisy is infuriating

Yes, this exactly, thank you anon.

I’ll bring up my own experiences because I feel like they’re relevant here. I didn’t watch many cop shows growing up, except for the occasional NCIS that didn’t do anything except make me realize that I had a thing for goths, but I did get really into Brooklyn 99 when I was in my late teens.

At that point, I was just getting into radical leftism and wasn’t nearly as aware of propaganda and the ways that police abuse is so normalized, and ended up overlooking a lot of things in the show that were shown as funny or quirky.

And then one day I was reading about dismantling law enforcement and the idea of “one bad egg” being applied to police and I caught myself thinking about B99. Specifically, I recoiled from the idea of the law enforcement system being inherently corrupt because I was using a fictional show as an example to myself of individual cops making a difference. I haven’t watched a single episode since, and looking back on all the shit I just glossed over before, I’m glad.

And I’m not saying that everyone reacts that way or that it’s impossible to watch cop shows without being tricked like, but copaganda is something that is very prominent in our current social climate and it plays on existing beliefs and ideas to manipulate the audience. Shipping, and fandom in general, cannot be honestly compared to that sort of wide-scale social manipulation.

[roxxelll]

Good day all. Since today is my 26th birthday, I’ve been doing a bit of reflecting & I thought it’d be fitting to share a part of myself I seldom talk about. A little over a week ago, it was the ninth anniversary of my admittance to rehab. I haven’t thought about my time there for a long while but for some reason this year I’ve been a little overwhelmed with emotion. I thought I’d write it all down and share a bit of it in hopes that it might help someone, whether it’s to shift their thinking or give them a little hope. 

I wrote the piece below almost 6 years ago but after reading over it I still find it one of the most eloquent things I might’ve tried to express. The reason I chose to share it is to say to anyone- if you are struggling and this time is testing your mental health and your strength, you are stronger than you think. A bad day doesn’t mean you are losing, it means you are coping and working hard at beating your own demons. 

I don’t talk about this side of my life a whole lot but it would be nice if you could share it if you resonate with it in some way or if you feel like you know someone who might. 

>>It gets a little long and there are TRIGGERS for eating disorders so please proceed with caution !!! << 

I do this thing where I often brush over my anorexia in conversation, and as expected, this might be the first time many of you are hearing of it. I just never felt the need to tell my story to the people in my life, I never wanted it to be the thing that everyone rolls their eyes about. 

However, I think it is time for me to tell my story. In full. What prompted me was that I have seen how my story became an inspiration for someone else; a reason for them to feel that they are not alone in the world. I was in awe that something so terrible in my life could be used for something so good.

This is the story of my eating disorder and I.

19 January, 2015

My mind was my body’s worst enemy. It was a weapon of mass destruction, ticking away in my head. Misconceptions invaded my mind and multiplied into thoughts and soon after their images were all I saw in the mirror.

I can’t give my mind all the credit; I didn’t create all the misconceptions in my own mind, even if they were all allowed to grow there. My mind only mimicked what it was being fed at just about every turn. One of the things I remember so vividly is seeing an underwear model. She was sexy and beautiful and I could think of nothing I wanted more in the world than her body. So started the worst train of thought I have ever had: the aspiration for perfection.

The media can be a scary thing. As a teenager, it was pretty much most of what everyone was talking about and consuming on a day to day basis. By the time I was in grade 10 in high school, all my time had been consumed by trying to getting the best grades and only producing my best work in my visual arts class. My time in the sports field ceased all together and in my mind the only way for me to achieve my standards of perfection was to go down the dark, sinister route that I had not even realised I'd taken.

On 26 October 2011, I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. There is no easy way to explain the feeling of your own head telling you that you are not good enough, that you are disgusting, that you are too fat, that you may not eat.

2011 was not a good year for me, I remember so well that a bad day would grow into a bad week and eventually evolve into bad months. My family seemed as dysfunctional as ever, I picked up the nasty habit of smoking and the stress of school had only weakened my state of mind. I hated what I was and I had somehow convinced myself that everyone else around me felt the same way, when in fact I was the one pushing them away. Sometime in mid October, armed robbers had broken into my house. No one in my family was hurt, but I had gotten away with a broken arm and a few bruises.

It was then in hospital that doctors had noticed there was something off about me. It must have been brain shattering for my parents to see what had been eating away at me for months only at that moment. How could they when all I did was hide from the world?

I was admitted into rehab after that and I did not sit for my November exams. In six months I had lost 14kgs. I have been in remission since.

My life was consumed by loss. First it was the weight, then my strength, and eventually demons began to nibble away at my personality. I watched my life crumble away as fast as my body did. My hair started to fall out and my nails stopped growing. I lost my period all together. My bones stuck out of my body like they were unwanted intruders, I became as frail, dead and dull as an old building.

Misconceptions are the hardest scars to heal. They forced my body apart from my mind. I have learned that it's called body disconnection, the feeling of being absolutely cut off from your body. No experience was good enough in my body because my mind wanted to be as far from this body as possible. I don't know how you can even explain it... Imagine wanting to be so far out of a room you would give anything to leave it. Now imagine that was your own body and you can start to understand body disconnection. You can leave an uncomfortable room. You can’t evacuate your own body. Excruciating, isn’t it? Looking in the mirror, I never saw a body that was perfect, only the disgusting images of what my mind had made me believe I looked like: the image of imperfection. It was shattering, painful and exhausting..

It's been three years now.

I'm quite proud to admit that my annoying need to overachieve at everything has been my biggest weakness and my greatest strength. I never wanted to do something halfway, and this was no different: I got an eating disorder as bad as they go. But I sure as hell got a recovery as good as they go. I have not relapsed or regressed. I have just grown in confidence and in strength. I haven’t done that on my own: the support I have had from just about every corner of my life has been my lifeline. Even on Tumblr where people are so confident just to share selfies and feel good about how great they look. Nothing makes me happier to see people love who they are. The people in my life have fought with me in my corner with so much strength they could collectively save the world. I am not sure I could ever find the words to describe the impact they have made.

People tell me every day how far I have come in three years. They see me eat and think it is all over. There is little truth in an assumption so bold. Here’s the thing no one told me about when I first thought an eating disorder is a good idea: it never leaves you. It just becomes less overwhelming. I still have the scars to face every day. I say remission because I never really heal. Then again I am only human and people often forget that when I have a bad day. The truth is I face my worst fear every time I sit down to eat no matter how much it seems like I love food.

I'm not perfect, no one is. And in time I've learned this fact and to love myself. I don't burst at the seams with confidence, but I definitely have more now than what I did three years ago. There are days where a relapse sits on the horizon but you just have to hold your head high and fight it. I don't write this in hopes of becoming a role model but I do hope it inspires people, not just those who face what I did, but with any curve ball life decides to throw at them. There's always a way out if you're willing to look for it.

_______________

I wrote this five years ago. This passed year has probably been the biggest test of my recovery in a long time. Staying at home with constant worries about access to the gym, my safe foods and social distancing are prime triggers for a relapse for me. It’s true that you never fully recover, but you do get better with time. Every day is a constant fight against my ED, depression and anxiety, and there are many days where it seems like climbing this never-ending mountain is impossible. But I’ve come to realise that any step we take in pushing against it (even just acknowledging our emotions and thoughts) is one in the right direction. 

In the past week I have thought quite a lot about my anorexia and impact it has had on my life, my family and my body. And the truth is, I still choose to wake up and fight the “mad bitch” everyday. Some days are definitely harder than others, sometimes it’s easy. But I win everytime because I choose to fight it. So I really hope that anyone fighting their demons (whatever they may be) will reflect on how strong they are and the journey they have walked.   ♡