#conversationalblog

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Max Dillon is obsessed with Spider-Man and no one bats an eye, but I’m obsessed with Spider-Man and I get diagnosed with autism??????

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Subculture: what the fuck is it?

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◌ Last summer, I wrote a short blog post discussing punk culture and how I aligned with the ideologies. The interesting point I made throughout the post was that I would never claim the label. It wasn’t because of negative connotations or anything of that sort, but that I saw punk as a state of being, not a title. I never shared that post as you could probably tell, looking at my page. I felt like I was missing really important nuances, and now I’m hoping to identify those more complex aspects of subculture.

◌ Humorously, or humorlessly, I recently realized that my unique upbringing gets in the way of my ability to analyze topics as thoroughly as I would like. Whether that be my thoughts on Arcane or my opinions on people’s intense need to label everything. I didn't have a voice, boundaries, or agency in my childhood, yet I was expected to develop those things. From ages six through ten, I remember being a “yes man,” agreeing and nodding along to everything everyone around me said. It was so much easier to conform than be alone or be othered by my family. Somehow, I appeared as a lively and loud child, despite never forming a single original thought out of fear. That’s why fandom culture drew me in. I got to say what character I liked and which I didn’t, pick which shows to watch of my volition, and even have people agree with me just because they thought I was right. The transition from fandom spaces to alternative spaces was surprisingly smooth. Albeit, I didn’t think much of it at the time. I would consider those years my first step into what I thought was something bigger. And I imagine that’s what subcultures were like when they were especially prominent in daily practices, not just the internet. This leads me to think that l’m not missing a key detail about what makes punk, well, punk, but rather I’m missing the nuances of what makes human connection impactful. I still hate the micro-labels that people throw on clothing and art as means for quick consumption, but I won’t frown upon anyone for wanting to be included.

◌ I feel I might’ve strayed from the topic a little too much, but I think this is something I needed to delve into. Subcultures are far beyond just fashion and politics and music in a way that people seem to forget. It was always about unity and finding where you belong. A lesson I need to ingrain in my life more as I’m still stumbling through friends and friend groups. All said, those punk songs I have on repeat encourage me to get to that person I want to be, so who cares if I’m a punk or not?

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Finding love in different ways

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◌ I’ve found over the years that all of my interests stem from wanting to combat my loneliness. Except for art, I just really like to draw no benefit there. Everything else I, either consciously or subconsciously, was trying to garner a certain result. For example, I like romance books and stories. My love for them flourished when I felt my family didn’t love me, so I sought the idea of romantic love rather than familial. This backfired because I find romance for myself to be less than appealing. I’ve found a middle ground in friendships, but I struggle in maintaining those. Another example, my love for superheroes is because I spent so much time protecting others and then, when I needed help, no one could protect me. I love superheroes because they could’ve saved me. They take everyone’s troubles away. I’ve grown to love things so much because I want them to love me back. It’s yet to work out, but when I read a romance story or watch a Spider-Man movie, I can’t help but hope I experience love like that too.

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Me if I were an anime character:

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Perception doesn’t keep your image alive, it kills it

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◌ I just got done watching “Nope” directed by Jordan Peele, the same man who directed “Get Out,” and as much as I would love to sit and pick apart the hidden meanings and messages, I feel that would be counterproductive. As Keke Palmer said, the movie should not be explained and I have to agree because as much as I tried to wrap my head around what it truly meant, my grasp just kept slipping and that’s supposed to happen! The characters want to be recognized and what to accomplish something big, the impossible even. Yet, the lengths they go and the pain they're willing to endure to do that is mind-boggling. That’s why the title is so ironic. Anytime they face the unknown, they immediately chicken out saying, “Nope,” but when given the chance to be a part of something, they can’t help but go for it. And that’s all that can be said about the movie!

◌ I think people’s need to be seen and acknowledged is one of our biggest downfalls, and as someone under misanthrope allegations, I think it’s what makes us so infuriating as well. I have been consuming a lot of media lately that’s making me think, for recreation and academics, and the way they depict perception so differently is jarring, almost. In one of my classes, we’ve been discussing “The Outsiders” by S. E. Hinton and Johnny Cade, a character in the book, is being domestically abused. He says that he prefers his father’s physical abuse over his mother’s verbal abuse though because when his father hits him, he feels seen. He just wants to be seen and if getting hit is how that happens, he’ll take it. Contrastingly, a fanfiction that I read follows a main character living in a super power based society, but he doesn't have one. As super powers developed, so did the idea of super heroes! He can not be one, however, without a power, so he turns to vigilante work and doesn't want any kind of publicity. He intentionally learns to blend in with shadows while working through what he's going to do with his life. The protagonist doesn't save people expecting anything in return, just that he might lose his own life while doing right by others.

◌ Just like any other person, I’ve dealt with wanting to be recognized and I think my biggest accomplishment is being a hero for myself. I’ve come to terms that while my impact on the world may be little, I saved one person: me. I hope I never get pulled into this spiral of popularity and public appearances. I just want to live a carefree life filled with my interests and people I love.

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Misinformation and medicine

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◌ I finally met with a psychologist, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Fortunately, I can say it was not because it simply “didn’t work for me.” Rather, the psychologist in question was extremely biased and unqualified to evaluate me. I want to be surprised that it went the way it did, but I can’t say I am. Psychology is really a scary topic as a black person because of the lack of intersectionality. It hurt a bit more considering my psychologist was black, too. All said, I won’t talk about the evaluation, no matter how unprofessional it was. I will, however, show a mock article I wrote out of anger:

“Psychology is a complex study and like every other science there’s always more to learn. That also means not all the information is accurate the first time around. Does this mean we can’t trust experts in the field of psychology? No, of course not, but it does mean we need to be willing to challenge them and test their knowledge.

In no circumstance is someone more educated on a topic they research in their free time than a professional with a diploma. Unless, this professional’s information is outdated and wrong in the current time’s standards. Spreading misinformation, even if unintentional, can inevitability harm their reputation.

Let’s take a look at an example, you take yourself to the doctor and explain your diet troubles, under the assumption you have an overeating disorder. You eat whenever you feel any strong emotions as a coping mechanism, but it feels out of your control and unmanageable. The doctor takes one look at you, doesn’t even ask questions, and tells you simply, “You lack impulse control, but overeating isn’t a disorder.”

According to today’s medical science we know that eating disorders aren’t just an avoidance of foods. The doctor is incorrect, obviously, but why don’t they seem to know they’re incorrect? Medical professionals can unfortunately be misinformed and ignorant of it. While a scary truth, it’s reality.

This scenario is even more common for conditions that are generally less known about or haven’t been properly researched until recently. Not only is information spread slower with newer research, the old research is the main source in use. More often than not, minorities’ health isn’t prioritized throughout history, so this old research could easily be on a group of people that don’t fit their description at all. And if doctors aren’t given good information how can they give good diagnoses? The answer is they can’t.”

◌ It’s not perfect by any means as I have no credibility, obviously. Though, I am happy I could communicate a topic in such a thoughtful way, so I might take this up as a hobby.

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Grayscale of the hero world, and our own

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◌ I theorize that if we had the fictionalized versions of heroes and powers in this world that, like everything else, we would only see the black and white. When there are heroes, there are synonymous villains and vice versa, but what about heroes that do "bad" and villains that do "good"? What about vigilantes that do not officially side with the law but aren’t doing anything heroes wouldn’t? It poses the bigger question of are things all good and all bad? The simple answer is obviously no, but as someone with autism and a minority in multiple other ways that leads me to seeing the cryptic grays of the world from an early age, I wish it was black and white. It would make reading others easier and the idea of morals would not feel like swallowing sharp, crystallized rocks.

◌ For a long time, I have held the opinion that people society considers to be heroes are actually some of the worst oppressors. This refers to the white man’s unrelenting power, of course, but other subcategories of authority unrelated to identity. For example, parents and teachers are people we're taught to respect at all times despite the multitude of them that have abused their power. However, this is another one of those gray areas that we cannot see. I, for one, harbor a lot of guilt with my feelings surrounding my parents because they have undoubtedly wronged me in ways that will forever impact me, but they have also made me happy and I have memories, if not a lot, of them being genuinely good people, people that I looked up to at one point. That does not discard the fact they’ve hurt me though and them hurting me doesn’t discard any good they have contributed to my life either.

◌ This only scratches the surface of a way bigger issue, but I think the message still stands; there’s very little black and white in this world, just an abundance of gray.

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Superhero problems, not me problems

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◌ I wish I had superhero problems, you know, stress about saving cities while also getting my homework done. When you’re a superhero, you always have support like other heroes or fans, but when you’re a weird ass teenager, the support system is a bit sparse. I wish I could relate to my classmates when they complain about games and other silly stuff, and I’m currently crying because my parents are more like random adults to me. I just want to be a hero or a cloud or have someone turn my brain off. Whichever happens the fastest would be preferred. It’s just so infuriating to have to sit in my feelings because the only way people would understand me is literally taking my brain. Even then, I can’t guarantee that would work, considering all I do is rant. Every time I speak, you get a piece of my brain, but no one listens. You know who they would listen to, though? Spider-Man.

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