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startwithbrooklyn · 3 years

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THE GREAT ND REWATCH OF 2021 / SEPTEMBER 28-29, 2019 // the bonny scot

posting this a day later than normal because this is one of the rare episodes that shows a passage of time from one day to the next yayy love that for them

-wonder what filming these beginning sexy scenes is like for them in real life

-sooooo can lucy see nancys sexy dream? is she judging? does this mean she likes nancy with owen or nick more? or is she trying to tell nancy that her sex dreams are irrelevant to the mystery at hand and she needs to focus?

-seeing people in the ✨prison chair✨: gomber, carson, karen (voting for josh s3 just saying)

-completely ignores carson's question about herself typical nance

-"or maybe i did stumble across a knife" its like hes trying to make the case against him look plausible while attempting to maintain innocence. this is a slippery slope for carson to try and encourage her to keep her pacified + hide the truth while also trying to keep her from getting involved bc hudsons

-"genetics gets you in the door" aaaaand then she walks in to everetts office to meet him and crashes their family dinner

-ok who tf is dawn and why is she in charge here

-this guidance counselor of nicks is my favorite person

-"i admire your allergy to pleasantries" bess and nancy both have reveals to big families but nancy does not have the graceful, accepting reveal to her rich family like bess does at this lunch. nancys reveal is messy, cold, bloodstained and sticky-fingered, not nice in any way whatsoever. and this little chat with everett (bit of a parallel to lucy's) just highlights how nancy is always bad at bargaining with her grandparents*- always trying to fight on their level but giving up her equal hand bc she doesnt know how to hide it when they bring up something she doesnt know. like confronting celia at the masque: she was so confident with her theory and what she knew, but then we got a "what does that mean?" like. the instant you say that, you lose. and she walked right into the "yes i do have someone, hes in jail" 🤦🏼‍♀️ even in the car with ryan at the end of s1, he literally just fucking leaves her there. like 🤷🏼‍♀️ what did u think was gonna happen sis?? for all she can predict how past things lead to present circumstances shes fucking awful at seeing the direct future *(grandparents except for patrice bc her dementia makes her inaccessable)

-lmaooooo this awko ass portrait...i get the empty space is for nance but who on earth thought this was a good pic??

-LISBETH 🥺💙

-"will u help the claw for me?" george struggles financially to keep her livelihood while nancy is somehow shown as being taken care of even when her parent is incarcerated; both nancy and george live in single parent homes now with mention of both medical debt and george being breadwinner yet nancy has no struggles while george does. (i wonder if ryan had been able to help george here how the story would have changed)

-"when it comes to following people around without their knowledge or consent i am somewhat of a repeat offender" 😂😂😂

-"he wasnt endgame after all" BESS lmaoooo

-"...okay." lmaoooo i fuckin love owen

-i was hoping the girls' faces would be more shocked like with a glance to owen but they just....werent

-"we're the good guys" <---- this statement is soooo interesting in terms of how they structure the show and how the characters see themselves (its an interesting contrast with the more definitive good vs evil with things that are both clearly good and clearly evil but theres also a lot of moral grey area here, the show is kinda swamped in it. are nancy and crew the good guys? are they the bad guys in someone else's story? concerns.)

-"i'd call it more than just stuff" like why did u concede that??? and then the shit about oof that didnt sound like a compliment lmaoooooo why does she suck at arguing?? she and owen wouldnt work long term bc theyre so similar (as mentioned later on)

-i LOVE george slowly falling in love with nick here- hence how upset she gets when nick bails on her for nancy later (which is totally justified!!!)

-i am LIVING for the little nod this driver guy gives bess when she turns back around all nervous 😂

-"i do like buying things" i would so say that too tbh

-"you'd have plenty to talk about" LMFAOOOOOOO SHE KNOWS "marvins dont marry drivers" so diana is totally fine with the gay its just the poor she has a problem with 😂💙fuckin love that

-love how nancy just casually ruins everything for nick/george lmaooo

-"i have seen you at your best, nancy, and there is nothing like it." 🥴😳 i love this still-in-love look nancy gives him thats so strong he had to change the subject

-so is haunting time 11 pm? from that clock of bashiir's?

-how do NO neighbors notice this fucking water and shit

-these are TOTALLY AWFUL fake screams from the bonny scot crew 😭

-"i know well enough not to get involved when he's in play" both carson and ryan avoid engaging with everett even though nancy is willing to do so armed with less info and more balls/ but "could i trust him" and ryan says yes lmaooooo NO honey + that makes ryan 0/2 for helping the girls when they ask this ep

-"find a project of your own" and he does, with his youth center 🙏🏻💙 what s2 foreshadowing!

-"god i wish i still drank" 😂😂😂

-"she is darling." 💙👌🏻

-okay wtf is mirror bay??

-i really wonder about the extent of celia x sebastians relationship here. did she truly care about him or was it just secret and exciting sex? also would love more hints of diana vs celia moments like these. celia doesnt even look upset. i mean shes had time to deal but like wtf. and who exactly is sebastian to diana? not her husband? like damn what if he was. somehow i doubt she'd talk about him diddling celia if diana was disrespected also

-i wonder if celia being so invested in dna testing nancy was bc everrett dna tested ryan to make sure he was his bc of sebastian / other men (which would be totally valid on his part!! but wouldnt it be funny as fuck if ryan wasnt his 😂)

-what a neat hiding place in this frame lmaooo who put that in for them tho? like how do u go about ordering that

-"you certainly are your fathers daughter" this quote is doubly ironic and foreshadowy bc theyre referencing carson here as being a useful hudson attaché but nancy is playing everett just like ryan played celia about putting his house up (but TRIPLY ironic bc carson pulls off the long con of hiding nancy from the hudsons right under their noses this whole time!) the one time nancy is successful against them

-that bess/lisbeth look while lisbeth does something badass (+diana reassessing now that lisbeth has been revealed to be useful)

-"almost as fun as a real fight" why do i believe him? lmaoooo a bit weird that he would enjoy a fight w a partner, but i also think this is an acknowledgement of nancy being an "opponent" who exists at his level. but i also love the "let me take you out" as a direct mirror of her relationship with nick, where she avoids the public acknowledgment/"going out" but prefers the more subtle/hidden arrangements of staying in. but as shown with later eps, owen is way more capable of meeting nancy where shes at, which is so important to her + the only way of getting close to nancy. (the only foil is ace who somehow is able to do both)

-"not always about a guy" <---- this could have been such a powerful statement if the show had thought having nancy end up alone/choose herself instead of pitting her between love interests (nick, owen, gil, even potentially ace, in only 2 seasons) was a more worthy stance to take ; as an aro/ace person i cant tell you how much i would kill to see just one female protag choose herself over a man. and its more realistic to end up alone than have a happy ending anyway, for all that these shows try to be as "real" and gritty grimdark as possible

-"is that what you want?" this is an interesting question to his mother- like maybe he senses her unhappiness? combined with his issues with his father- still trying to look out for his mom? either way it's sweet. (it could also potentially work as foreshadowing of something happening to her, but i think that was played with but then diverted when it was revealed who really killed her) "i think its time i steer this ship" still kind of patriarchal tho. i get that its him coming into his own as a dad technically but still. i also like how he calls her "mother" and not mom

-love that old white people thumbs up at george asking about his clams 👍🏻

-okay fuck dawn tho lmfaoooo

-"stressful dinner huh?" 😂 i fucking love lisbeth so much why didnt they bring her back (wouldnt it be Fucking Hilarious if they brought lisbeth back to bounce bess on her expired visa since the marvins kicked her out and didnt fix it lmaoooooo)

-BESS IS A TOP lmaooooooo i fuckin knew it

-nick says "you can pay me back" wonder if thats gonna come back in s3 considering their "marital problems" (also, those bonds are sosus lmfaoooo if any single person cashing those was looked at sideways they'd confess in 2 seconds that some random guy is handing out bearer bonds they dont even make anymore with absolutely zero proof as to how he got them)

-"you wanna finish what you started?" 👀 (dont mind if i do)

-"i need my dad back" parallels s2 when she asks him to come home

-parent politics: "you are taking your life in your hands / no, i'm putting it in yours" vs "i know well enough not to get involved when hes in play" both carson and ryan try to dissuade nancy from pursuing her pulling this con on everett but go about it different ways: carson is wildly concerned with nancys physical wellbeing but ryan appears to be leaning more towards weighing the odds for her/ like a "you cant win so cut your losses/dont try" scenario which interestingly might have more weight with nancy; its easy for her to brush aside carson's worrying like second nature but nancy has been established to be a determined winner, and ryan speaks to her here like shes a beginners luck prodigy at a blackjack table by encouraging her to keep her record clean by not dealing in this next round. of course she herself admits shes incapable of not dealing in ie "you know me better than that" but i have lots more thoughts on how effective ryans approaches to nancy can be sometimes (saving for the reveal ep 🙏🏻)

-wonder what all carson knows about the hudsons? + that look on his face when he hangs up... wonder if he was just lying to her about knowing anything or just ashamed at having to admit bad things hes done for them

-love nick & bashiir waiting together 🙏🏻💙+ nicks very strong and pointed "good night" as a means of ending his convo w nancy on his terms (gotta reinforce those boundaries man!)

and lastly

-celia + that gossip girl moment when she just throws the whole phone away 😂(wonder if she was just talking to "gus" or whoever that guy was. keep forgetting the bobbseys' dad is in prison too, wonder if he'll feature in s3)

#brooklyn's ND primer #nancy drew cw #the Great Rewatch of 2021 #you best start believing in ghost stories miss drew - you're in one

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popatochisssp · 5 years

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So your recent chapter in snips and snails has had me thinking. How would other skellies react if their bro started falling for their SO? Would they all be up for polyamory or would some tell their bro to get over it, or they break up with SO as to push them toward their brother. This information is important for my daydreaming

Anonymous: Heyo! Are you doing hc’s right now? If so, what are your ideas for a polyamorous relationship with sans/so/papyrus? I know you mentioned it with FGTC, but how would the other boys do? Thank you and ilysm!!

Well, the short version of these questions seems to be– “Can I make it work if I want to smooch both brothers?”

And the answer to that question as far as I’m concerned is yes! Ultimately, all skeles would be down for this kind of relationship!

…But some of them are going to have an easier road than others.

Yes, it’s the ‘fells that are on the Struggle Bus, of course it is, those boys have issues.

Undertale:

They’re a great combo!

They already know each other so well and love/respect one another that looping you into their relationship as a romantic branch is the easiest thing in the world.

They both balance the other out really well, to the point that dating them both might even make for a more harmonious relationship than choosing just one: Papyrus won’t shy away from lecturing Sans when his laziness may be letting you down, and Sans knows how to gently point out when Papyrus might be unintentionally talking over you or pushing too hard at something.

There’s no jealousy between them and you’re all grown, mature adults more than capable of navigating a three-person relationship.

Underswap:

Another great choice!

Much like the classic Sans-Papyrus pair, the Sky-Paps match-up isn’t just functional, it’s hyper-functional.

Their brotherly relationship is strong and they’re great at meeting and handling situations as a team, and you’re no different. Most of your time with them will be spent as a trio rather than duos with an odd man out since that’s what they do anyway– you’re just along for the ride! When one-on-one time does come around, they’ll pass you off to the other without hesitation, no jealousy to be found and just a nuzzle on your cheek and an encouragement to have fun.

Even the usually clingy Sky doesn’t mind giving you and Paps space when you want it since there’s no one he trusts and loves more than his (big) little brother, and Paps might actually feel a little more driven to impress and woo you when he sees the lengths Sky regularly goes to. Maybe he can’t one-up his big brother’s efforts, but it reminds him that you’re special and deserving of the attention and he’ll show you so in his own, more understated way.

They balance each other out in so many ways that it won’t ever feel like you’re trying to juggle them to make things work. As long as you love them, they’ll love you right back and your relationship is practically self-sustaining!

Underfell:

You must not be shy of challenges, because you’ve gotten yourself into some rocky waters with this one.

They’ll both agree to this pretty quickly without much fuss– sharing a datemate with their brother, the only person who always had their back underground and would die for them, and vice versa? Of course, there’s no one they’d rather trust you with than their own brother!

They say that, and for the most part they do mean it, but… there are some very well-buried landmines here and you will find at least one of them in the course of this relationship.

For Jasper, it’s bitterness: here’s yet another thing in his life that he’s giving up for his brother’s sake. It’s not Pyre he resents but the situation and how exceedingly unfair the circumstances of his life have been so far. He lost his childhood to raising and protecting Pyre while he was young, and then he had to play his toady and listen to barked orders and snapped insults so Pyre could maintain a fearsome reputation and neither of them would get too severely messed with. And then now here’s this, a datemate he can’t even keep all to himself because you love his baby brother, too. It stings, but he’ll try to quash it down since he loves you and Pyre too deeply to ever want to cause problems for you.

Meanwhile Pyre is masking his own issues, namely jealous insecurity. He loves Jasper, too, and he deeply respects the sacrifices his big brother made for him Underground both in adolescence and adulthood, but…well, it’s not as if he had it easy! Jasper’s initially low HP meant that no matter how strong a fighter he was, there’d always be somebody who saw him as easy EXP, somebody trying to kill them both because they could– that was why he worked his way up to Captain of the Royal Guard and trained so hard to become an efficient, deadly soldier, so that he could be intimidating enough that most monsters wouldn’t even want to try attacking him or somebody under his command. That’s why he had to distance himself from everyone else, even the brother he was trying to protect, just in case someone tried to take advantage of a social connection. He was completely emotionally isolated for a long time, with a lot weighing on his shoulders: his duties, his brother’s safety, his own safety, and Jasper…

Jasper didn’t have to shoulder any of that once Pyre took responsibility.

Pyre knows, intellectually, that Jasper suffered at least as bad for a long time, but emotionally it hurt and made Pyre a little angry to see him socializing freely with the lowlifes at Grillby’s and sleeping openly at his illegal hot-dog stands. Jasper couldn’t have been totally carefree, no one could be underground, but he had the luxury of being very close to it thanks to Pyre’s status, which Pyre maintained at his own expense. And now, it feels like Jasper is taking advantage of him again, casually charming his way into your good graces and seducing you away from him.

He’s fairly certain he’s going to lose you, actually, since he knows that his older brother is the more personable of the two of them and he hates the waiting, he kinda wants to just end it himself and let Jasper have you…

But, same as Jasper, Pyre loves both of you dearly and he knows that abruptly breaking up with you would hurt you, and that Jasper would figure out why he did it and be even more hurt plus guilty over it, so he bites his tongue.

They’re both going to stew in silence over it and are fully committed to doing so for the rest of your natural lives– you’re going to have to mediate this if you want to have any hope of a healthy relationship.

It won’t be too hard to figure out what’s going on with them individually, they’re both very salty skeletons that can mostly keep quiet about the things bugging them, but there’s a lot of snide and bitter quips muttered under their breath that you’re usually close enough to hear and draw conclusions from. At that point, you need to sit down with them and force a discussion; play whatever hard-ball you must to get them to talk, this is too important to sweep under the rug just because it’s awkward and painful.

They’ll be stilted at first and need a lot of prodding to keep going, embarrassed that their datemate is playing counselor for them, but soon enough they’ll start talking on their own. Yelling on their own. Screaming at each other and breaking shit on their own.

They’ve been repressing a lot of emotions for a long time and now that they’re flowing it’s like a tsunami, one you should probably get out of the splash zone of while they get it all out.

You don’t have to worry about them actually hurting each other, there’s far too much love between them for that and once the anger and bitterness is out there in the open, they realize that, too. There’s gonna be tears and broken sobs and fierce hugging and that’s your cue to get back on in there and take care of your boys– they love each other, they love you, and you love them right back, it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

Once the dust is settled, you’re theirs for life, no take-backs. You came into their home, showed them love and affection, and helped them get their brother back after years of tension and walking on eggshells: if you think they’re ever going to let you go now, you’re dead-wrong.

There’s going to be days when you almost regret emotionally reconciling them because when they’re not bickering over petty nonsense or competing with each other, they are the most terrifyingly efficient team you’ve ever seen. They’ll casually join forces against you whenever it suits them and you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell. They love and respect you of course, they’d never hurt or take advantage of you, but the combined force of Jasper’s rough charm and Pyre’s slick cunning means that you’re not often going to find yourself ‘winning’ in your relationship.

On the bright side, your romantic life is positively scorching between these two fiery personalities and the loving passion they have for you is more than enough of a balm on any wounds you might take to your pride. ;3

Swapfell:

Deceptively easy.

At first, they’re both very excited and on-board for this. As far as they’re concerned, there’s no one better in the world to share their datemate with than their own brother, someone trustworthy that they love unconditionally and don’t have to worry about losing you to, since they obviously wouldn’t try to steal you from each other.

And that’s true, because if there’s a problem it won’t be something they did, it’ll be what you did. Or maybe more accurately, what you didn’t do.

There’s really only one way to screw this up, but it’s a hard and fast death sentence for the relationship if you start neglecting Rus or playing favorites with Mal instead.

Rus is a needy guy, not too prone to jealousy but very prone to insecurity when the conditions are right, and Mal is one of the hardest (albeit unintentional) hitter of those buttons. His big brother, the one who’s taken care of him his whole life, protected him and sacrificed for him, Rus thinks Mal is a really cool guy. He’s not surprised at all that you want to date him, but he is surprised that you want to date Mal’s living disaster of a brother, too.

If you’re not careful and spend too much time with Mal or side with him all the time or do anything that could indicate you have a significant preference for one brother over the other, Rus is probably gonna jump to some conclusions and now it makes sense to him why you’re not just dating his brother– it’s ‘cause it’s a pity thing…isn’t it?

Mal is the one you really want but you or Mal or maybe both of you noticed his pathetic interest in you and decided to toss him a bone. To make him feel better. Yaaaay.

His aversion to conflict means that he’s definitely never going to say anything to either of you, ever, but his 'realization’ (whether it’s true or not, almost certainly not) is painful and he won’t be able to help sulking and shying away from your affection for awhile.

That, for Mal, is as good as an actual, physical red flag. He’s sharp and knows his brother well enough to piece together everything that’s happened in Rus’ self-deprecating skull and as far as he’s concerned, there’s only one course of action from here: he’s gonna try to wriggle himself out of the relationship entirely and push you towards Rus.

Mal loves his baby brother fiercely and since he already blames his failings as a pseudo-parent for the anxiety and insecurity he struggles with, the absolute last thing he wants to do is hurt him by taking his datemate away. It’s a no-brainer to remove himself from the situation if he’s distracting you from Rus, but once it’s progressed to this point, there’s no positive outcome for anyone.

Rus is now convinced he’s the pity-boyfriend and feels awful that you don’t get to be with Mal anymore because he couldn’t hide his dumb feelings better. Mal is upset that he can’t be with you, and a little upset with you for not loving his little brother enough to begin with and making this choice necessary. And of course, you’re gonna be hurting, too, because one of your boyfriends thinks he’s your consolation prize and the other isn’t even your boyfriend anymore.

But of course, that’s the Worst Case Scenario.

To make this work, you just need to be fair about sharing your time and affection, which in healthy polyamory, you should probably already be doing! But if for some reason, you can’t do that, skew slightly in Rus’ favor. Mal can be jealous and selfish but he’s more than willing to make room for his brother’s happiness, and he knows that he’s welcome to edge into yours and Rus’ time together if he really wants– Rus has no problems sharing, he just gets a little upset if he thinks he’s the second choice.

If you put in the time and effort to assure Rus that you’re dating him because you care about him, this actually becomes one of the easiest bro-combos possible. Mal and Rus have a less contentious relationship than the other ‘fell brothers and with less buried anger and bitterness between them their bond is already strong and relatively healthy when you enter the mix.

Your integration is like finding the perfect centerpiece to tie an already-stylish room together. Mal plans all the dates and budgets your time between them in the most efficient way possible, while Rus makes sure you and him still get some time to relax and screw around at home. They work very well together as brothers and as your co-boyfriends with about equal importance placed on each role, so you’ll feel nothing but cherished and wanted between the two of them. Make sure to return the favor!

Horrortale:

Yes, a fantastic idea!

They’re both delighted that you asked and agree to share you pretty much immediately, without even a little fuss.

Slate and Papy are arguably the most codependent of the brothers (understandably, considering their shared trauma of the famine) and they’re also probably the most emotionally open with one another as a result, so if a poly relationship seems like it’s becoming a possibility with you, they’re going to get everything talked out and openly agreed upon for a very smooth transition.

It’s actually…kind of an ideal situation for both of them, in a way? Their issues and insecurities are…well, there’s a good deal of them and they’re both a tad concerned that the weight of it might be too much for you alone. They don’t want to overwhelm you or put too much pressure on you just because they’re a little… ‘broken’ is the wrong word for it, but they’re far from undamaged, either!

But with the other brother in the mix, the same one who’s always been there to support his sibling even before you came along, so much of that pressure is taken off.

Slate doesn’t worry that you’re going to suffer from his dissociation and memory problems because he knows Papy is there with his sharp mind and attention to detail to pick up the slack. Likewise, Papy doesn’t worry quite so much on his bad days that you’re secretly unhappy or would be better off without him because Slate is around, who even with a hole in his skull is naturally charming and very skilled at reading people– if you had any complaints, Slate would know and pass them along so they could make you as content as possible!

The end result is that they both relax and don’t psych themselves out quite as much as they might without their brother, and you get to see them as close to their old, pre-horror selves as they can get. Papy is a little more confident and Slate jokes around more and they both treat you like you make the sun rise every morning because you’re the one that loves them both enough to let this relationship be a thing they can have and that’s so cool.

There’s not a drop of jealousy over you from either of them, especially when they can see first-hand that you’re making their brother as happy as you make them, so this is a pretty harmonious and loving match-up, with a lot of potential for success!

#undertale #headcanons #sans #papyrus #sans/reader #papyrus/reader #underswap #us!sans #us!papyrus #underfell #uf!sans #uf!papyrus #swapfell/fellswap #sf!sans #sf!papyrus #horrortale #ht!sans #ht!papyrus

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sorryihavemarchingband · 7 years

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hey there! what advice would you give to a sophomore who was horrendously bullied by the rest of her section during last season?

oh boy, im sorry to hear about this! as someone who was bullied before (im not gonna go into it for many reasons), i just want to say in advance that you are most likely an amazing, incredible person! here’s my advice to you!

1. dont let them get to you. i know thats the most stereotypical advice you’ve probably ever heard, but it works. if someone says something about you, that you know isnt true, then dont debate it and just know that theyre wrong. you have so many amazing qualities, including being talented musician! and most of the time, your section doesnt know much about you! its all based on assumptions and rumors, that are usually exaggerated in the first place!

2. try to make some new friends with the incoming freshman! itll be something to take your mind off the upperclassmen, and youll be able to spread your knowledge to new kids! plus itll give you some more people to talk to! you might even share common interests with them outside of band!

3. try to make more friends within the rest of the band. unless your school is really small, im sure you don’t know everyone! there are so many wonderful people in band and surely theyll want to get to know you! it would give you the ability to hang out with everyone! surround yourself with people that you enjoy being around

4. even though you might want to, don’t isolate yourself. this is a big one. if you spend all of your time alone, and feeling like its your fault, your memories of band will not be as beautiful as they would be with your friends! get yourself out there! hang out with other sections! join band parties! work with freshman! even if you’re only going to drills, thats something! attend your practices! itll make you feel a lot better to be around people that make you happy.

5. look after your health! eat consistent, good meals! go for a walk! take care of your body and mind! watch your stress levels! it is very important to feel good!

6. if it continues this year: get help. it doesnt matter if its physical, or verbal bullying. tell your band director. tell upperclassmen that you trust. tell your counselor. tell your parents. just tell someone. there are so many people in this world that care about you, and would hate for anything to happen. your band director is most likely supportive, and would be able to put a stop to the harassment during band. bullying can sometimes even be considered a crime.

7. never give up. this is also super stereotypical thing to hear, but dont give up no matter what. dont give up band if its what makes you happy. dont let anyone get in the way of your joy, and your safety. you matter so much to so many people, and we know that you will do incredible things in this world.

if you want to ask any more questions, or just want to talk, my messaging is open, and so is my ask box. and i apologize if this advice is not incredibly helpful, but just know that i care about you, and that i hope this issue will not reoccur.

#band #tw bullying #bullying #anon #asks #i hope it gets better #you matter so so much anon

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ffuuuuuuuck · 5 years

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september 24, 2019

Today was such a bad day my thoughts kept pulling me in different directions- all of them bad

ended up skipping class today, thought about dropping out of school entirely like a lot

like, i know im capable of it and it’s not even hard, it’s just the looming fear of failing again like i did in my first highschool. I’m falling into the same patterns, it’s getting harder to maintain a positive mentality. it sucks because i was doing so good and then one thing sets me off and im back on my bullshit.

somehow writing it out makes me feel a little better, makes it feel like the thoughts aren’t all just stuck in my head.

my family helped today- my mom sang one direction with me in the car because i think she could tell I was on the verge of crying lol. That’s what she used to do with me in middle school and felt bad about the way i looked- it was cheesy and dorky but nice. she also took me to meet my baby cousin for the first time since she’d been born-5 months old and shes fat as fuck but also cute as fuck

i think i might just go back to spending time with my family again- it was easier than having to deal with friends. I love them, but i don’t feel the same with them anymore. it was different when i was into the same shit- smoking weed, doing drugs, doing nothing but walking around all the time. but now i’ve got school and work and actual responsibilities, and none of them seem to get that. Some of them even get mad because i cant spend as much time with them. I understand being upset, but it just makes me feel worse because i already feel worn thin. Plus, we dont really have anything in common anymore other than weed. Even that i’ve been trying to quit, but that’s all they ever wanna do and my lungs are all burnt out. And frankly, i like the feeling of being sober better than being high now.

I guess that’s the only thing me and Maurice had in common. When we first became friends, i was so happy to have someone like me. Into musicals, into anime, into all these dorky things my other friends weren’t into. but now its nothing but weed or talking about her ex boyfriend, or our friend bianca. I’m really glad her and bianca get along so well- i knew they would, i would always try getting all of us to hangout so they could get to know eachother more. But now it just feels like im on the outside. Whenever im with them they always just go off in their own space, talk about their own things that i can’t contribute because i wasnt there or not in on their inside jokes. I tried for awhile to just get used to it, because i shouldve been just happy that they were happy. But then they started hanging out without me all the time, and yeah, it makes me a little sad but no biggie it’s not like theyre my only friends. it feels like im not allowed to feel anything, like anything negative that i feel is just a sign that im getting bad again. But it hurts, like a lot. Bianca is always going on about stuff she told maurice, how maurice said that and that her and maurice always do this, and how great maurice is. Maurice is always saying how amazing bianca is and how much she loves her, how’re theyre gonna go do this and that. lately they started inviting me to hangout with them, but at this point it just feels more like pity than anything. Even when we’re all together, it’s like im intruding on their space. It just sucks. Like it’s not like i want to break them apart or anything, or for them to include me more. I don’t really want anything to happen, like im happy they get along. I just feel shitty about it. Even today, i found out something new about Bianca and yeah it was cool learning that about her but she threw in “really you didnt know? Maurice knows” and i dont know why but it stung. Probably because i was already feeling shitty today.

Maurice had asked me earlier in the day to hangout with them tomorrow- but it was only because it had come up in the conversation because i had told her about something concerning bianca. and honestly, i felt like i couldnt go on pretending anymore to be ok. so i told her that i didnt mean to sound like a dick but i didnt really like hanging out with the two of them together- but i still liked hanging out with them seperately. which, typing this out now i realize i really went the wrong way about this. It’s different when its just me and maurice and me and bianca, its not much different and nice. but when theyre together i just feel really crummy. i wanted to try to tell her that but she just told me “okay whatever i dont even wanna ask why.” and hasnt talked to me since. my mom said if they cared theyd understand, but im not sure i even went about it the right way, if there is a right way to tell your friends that. I told her what happened and she said that bianca would talk to me about it because my mom said that she definitely cares.

But when i told bianca about it, about maurice being upset with me and what i had said, all she said was how did they exclude me. That we played cards together that one time. That we had gone to go get hair dye that one time. I explained to her that yeah, when we went to go get hair dye it felt better because i was actually apart of their conversation. but the other times i just didnt feel like i belonged there with them. She wasnt upset about it like maurice was, but she seemed... i dunno, annoyed? not annoyed but like it was just me back on my bullshit. like it was all in my head. I think she did say it was all in my head. And after we left school a guy we knew was supposed to come with us, and she said “What, are you gonna feel excluded because Robbys coming?” in a really sarcastic voice. I just put in my headphones after that and actually did my homework. Because im supposed to be the chill one- im supposed to be the emotionless one, the one who doesnt let anything bother them because if i acknowledge that im hurt, then that means i could be getting unhealthy again. But fuck dude it did hurt. I barely tell my friends what I feel, and to be shot down like that, to be treated like i was just acting dumb again really hurt. especially because it wasnt like i was asking for anything to be different, other than me not wanting to hang out anymore. also especially coming from bianca. Out of all the people, i felt like i could count on her the most. I guess i was wrong again. Which sucks because its not like my brain goes to “ok they were a dick that time whatever”. When im not feeling good (aka when im not drugged out), my brain immedietely goes to wow what a dumbass trusting people again.

It didnt help that Quenten came to hangout today. I normally love seeing her, and everytime i see her she vents about her problems and i support her because i know she has a lot on her plate all the time. But today it just made things worse. She vented like usual and i tried to support her the best i could, but when i tried to talk about something that was bothering me she kinda just shut me down. Cut me off, started talking about her problems again. Usually she does that, but today it hurt because i really needed someone to talk to, and i thought we were that person for eachother.

Some shit went down with this Guy one time, and its kind of fucked me up. For awhile i tried my best not to let it get to me, tried staying friends with him and making the best of a situation because everyone told me that it wasnt that big of a deal. Not directly, but through their body language, the way they just change the subject, so i just believed that. Tried letting it go till eventually it built up inside me and blew up and left me feeling ruined. The other night i saw the Guy, and i had been doing so good, had been feeling happy and safe and just better. But he walked past me and it was like all of that just fell apart, i felt terrified again and unsafe and it was that feeling all over again, of not getting a choice, of not getting to have control, of putting my complete trust in someone only for it to be ruined. Anyways, its been leaving me fucked up for the past couple of days, and i just needed someone to talk to that wouldnt brush me aside. Im not sure why i thought that though. Quentin still thought highly of the Guy, still cared about his opinion i guess. its not like they were friends, but still. I shouldve known she wouldve blown me off when i tried talking about that situation.

I might need to see a counselor about it, because theres no one that i can even really talk to about it. I tried with this one girl, and she really helped me. But then it turned into a shit show because she outed the guy when i asked her not to, and one of my ex good friends came to me, and basically said i was making it up. when before we stopped being friends she believed me and understood why i got scared around the Guy. I guess that situation fucked me up too lol. But theres no one i can talk to, no one i can even bounce my thoughts off of. I wish i could talk to my mom about this. Sometimes she’s really good with this shit. But i know telling her about this will just make my life worse. Ill go to being looked at like some broken pitiful thing. Im not. I might be broken but im strong and i dont want to be pitied or someone to get mad in my place. I think some part of her already knows.

I think im done talking for today. Guess spilling my guts is too much too.

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eppaljeck · 7 years

Text

but uh what i wanted to say was aside from normal regular friends tht talk to me i also need like a close On Line friend whos also like a therapist or a psychiatrist or smthn cuz like the only thing anyone can ever think of when i actually ask them to tell me How they expect me to get better that doesnt involve me killing myself they always say like Get A Therapist but aside from it not actually being that fucking simple in this country ive Been to therapy and they discharged me cuz they thought i was fine cuz therapy doesnt fuckin work for me and aside from th fact tht my mum was always in the room with me id rather fucking die than talk about issues or Drama that arent happening right that second like i dont wanna tell them shit thats Over now cuz its over its done i wanna move on and since things happen practically 24/7 theres a LOT that they never actually hear about fuck im even supposed to be going to the school counselor and even she doesnt know jack fucking shit abt What Goes On the only possible way i can tell someone my problems is if theyr on this fucking website reading my posts and talking to me When Something Happens but i know thats practically impossible and would never happen bcs What Fucking Psychologist Uses Tumblr All The Time plus theres a lot of backstory n shit that theyd have to learn abt and stuff thats now like Completely Normal to me tht theyd have to get used to especially if they didnt already have like 3 years of experience on this hellsite cuz 99% of the shit we say and do here would get VERY different reactions from normal ppl than what were all accustomed to but since theres literally No Fucking Way this would ever happen even like someone who actually fucking had Literally Any Actual Ideas Or Independent Thought Ever that could actually Help Me and give me Advice rather than just saying either "you need help" "kys" "you need to stop" or just "I Dont Know" cuz NONE OF THOSE HELP ANYBODY!!!!!! and while im on the subject of not fucking helping anybody, if you like hate me or dont like me or whatever Fine disliking me is perfectly justified and understandable and im not fuckin sayin u cant hate me cuz honestly i deserve it but like quit fucking sending me asks that just say "youre abusive" or "You Abuse People" or "youre a shitty person" or anythin like that cuz guess fucking what!!! i know!!!!!! idk what yr tryna achieve by sending me the same shit I Already Know over and over again but like its not gonna help change jack fucking SHIT youre not helping anything and yr certainly not being a useful member of society like if you want me to change so fucking badly dont fucking shit on me for trying to improve myself and become a better person and like Move On With My Life So I Can Slowly Try And Heal Myself Over Time actually fucking HELP ME and TELL ME WHAT YOU EXPECT ME TO DO bcz tryna bring me down while im doing Really Fucking Well is the polar opposite of Good you fucks want me to change right? you hate me you want me to stop etc etc then How About you actually make a god damn effort to help me do what you keep telling me to do over and over again give me Constructive Criticism let me know if im Doing Well give me Methods and Advice on improving myself and dont just fucking try and make me feel like a horrible person for Trying To Get Better

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etherealskeletons · 6 years

Text

this is just one big ole vent about everything thats been going on and tbh? i wouldnt even bother reading it, its all over the place and everything that comes outta my mouth is absolute garbage anyway so..

anyway —

i hate my family for a variety of reasons, but im starting to realize that they legitimately treat me like im less than human and some kinda servant

i told them i cannot become my grandmothers 24/7 caretaker. mentally and physically, i cannot do it. if im forced to do it, i know for a fact that i will have a huge mental breakdown and my ass is gonna get hospitalized for doing God only knows to myself

but they guilt me. guilt trip, after guilt trip, after guilt trip. my uncle followed me around the damn house telling me that if i left, i would have my grandmothers death on my hands, bc im apparently the only person thats keeping her alive at this point. “she doesnt have much to live for these days, yknow” - “well, who else is gonna take care of her?” - “we’re family, so you have to do this. dont you care about your family?”

you would never guess that my aunt is a registered nurse, one of my cousins is a CNA, another one works in hospice, and my uncle already cared for someone in my grandmothers current state for over 20+ years, with the way they speak to me. they act as if im the nurse with 20+ years of hospice work. but im not! im just some severely depressed bitch that draws and writes occasionally - and i cant even do that anymore!!

im just so stressed and distraught all the time. i cant sleep, i can barely eat without feeling sick, i always feel like im gonna cry.. everythings just so overwhelming, i barely find anything enjoyable anymore, and sometimes i dont even see the point of living since its just work work work until you finally get the guts to kill yourself or seriously harm yourself

they also get so fucking insulted if i ask to get compensated for the years ive spent here, they tell me to forget the 10 years ive spent. just forget about it! its in the past! just forget about the late nights of doing medical or cleaning duties, forget the appointments you had to miss because your family comes before you do, forget about all the emotional and mental games they would play, forget all the money youve spent on them, forget all the bills you had to pay.. i could go on, but forget about it! its in the past!! youre family, so ofc you had to do all of this!! b ut then theyre allowed to get compensated for all the “hard work” theyve done, and they just.. they dont do anything? they havent done anything to help my grandparents??

noone else had to do all the things i had to do, and noone else had to go through all the shit ive gone through. everyone in my family lives like teenagers, going to concerts and having a blast! while im stuck taking care of the elderly because “thats what family does” its not fair! its just not fair! i give everything up - and they say that everything ive done is nothing, and tell me i need to do more for this family because im not doing enough

this woman shouldnt even be coming home! she cant stand up, shes on an oxygen machine, she needs to be lifted to go to the toilet - i jus.. mmmmmMMMMMMM

then they have the audacity to tell me to stop going to counseling, theyre saying its making me worse when thats not even true? for once in my life i have an amazing counselor that actually listens and offers advice! but they want me to stop going so i can devote myself 24/7 to them and to this house and their weird shenanigans and fucked up mind games and hhhhh

my dad says that weve done all we can and that enough is enough. that were actually gonna move out, get a place somewhere down south. we can change our names and start completely over and never talk to this family ever again. ive been yearning for this day to come for so long im jus.. im excited! but im also terrified. because i feel like its gonna get snatched away from me. this dream of running away and starting over as someone new.. God, everyones promised me this, and everyone whos promised me this has always snuffed it in the dirt and left me in the dust

if my dad doesnt follow through, i dont know what im gonna do

i just dont know

#noah cries #diary

0 notes

comicteaparty · 6 years

Text

August 9th, 2018 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on August 9th, 2018, from 5PM - 7PM PDT. The chat focused on Himawari Share by Harmony Becker.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

COMIC TEA PARTY START!

Good day everyone~! This week’s Comic Tea Party is now officially beginning~! Today we are discussing Himawari Share by Harmony Becker~! (https://tapas.io/series/Himawari-Share) For those new or in need of a reminder, discussions about the comic are freeform, so please feel free to bring up whatever you wish. However, every 30 minutes I will be dropping in a discussion question to help those who would like a prompt. These questions are totally OPTIONAL to answer, and you can pay them no mind if you wish. If you miss out on any though, they’ll be pinned for the duration of the chat once they’re posted~! Remember, constructive criticism is allowed, but the primary focus here is to have fun and appreciate the amazing comics that the community makes~! As a bonus, each chat a top comment will be picked and featured in the archives and on an ad for CTP! All that being said, let’s get started and have a great discussion!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

snuffysam

It's really hard to pick, but I'd say the Hyejung-focused parts (chapters 5 & 6) were my favorites. Focusing on her studies, not knowing what she wants to be, tearing out her roots to move to Japan, getting homesick and feeling guilty for it.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Hello!

snuffysam

like, emotions and stuff

also hello justin!

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

hey~!

yeah heyjung's backstory is a lot more tense than i was expecting. but i loved how everything was visually framed

although my favorite moment had to be when she went to that counselor and she just flat out couldnt say what she wanted to do with her life

cause man have i been there and that moment so purely relateable

snuffysam

yeah that was a big turning point, and my favorite moment in her backstory

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Thanks for the greeting~

I have to run a quick errand but I'll be back!

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i also loved the aftermath though of all the others bringing her stuff for her hangover. like that was just sweet and heartwarming.

snuffysam

sweet and heartwarming seems to be the general theme

for example, the scene where tina brings nao a soda

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yes. also a great scene. but also that scene made me like tina a whole lot. it had that element of goofiness (since she just picked her favorite) but had that immense kind-hearted underbelly. because i mean really, i dont know anyone who would bring me a soda to congratulate me on my first day of school.

i think my personal fave scene is actually when nao and masaki are walking together and each just having these thoughts about how they should interact and the various scenarios. especially nao imagining the music would bond them as friends while masaki is like "oh no i will be looked down upon for liking lady gaga."

snuffysam

and then they both end up too afraid to talk to each other lol

relatable scene, and i love how it helps build the characters of nao and masaki

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yes. i also love that it shows a good side to masaki in that hes basically just an average, socially awkward dork who is probably having some language and cultural gap problems. since ya know, our first impression of him was just rudeness otherwise.

i want to say in general i really love this comic's pacing though. like i always feel like the emotions are given time to be showcased but dont drag on too overly much.

snuffysam

the pacing is a real strong suit of the comic, agreed

were we ever told what masaki and shinichi's nationality/native language was?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

no albeit i assume for shinichi its japanese since he doesnt seem able to really do english and speaks quickly. which generally if youre a native, the quicker you speak. at the very least theyve gotta be fluent.

snuffysam

wait, i guess they aren't international students, because the comic description only says there are three

so they're just two japanese brothers who happen to live in the same house as three international students

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah. for reasons O_O. although i am curious if anyone else lives there. cause nao asks tina who the curly haired guy was and tina was like "hmm maybe masaki" and then nao had to say rude for tina to be sure

so either this is just a writing goof or its implied more ppl live there?

snuffysam

yeah you'd think if it was only the five of them, "curly haired boy" would narrow it down quite a bit

also i think we ignored @Sa💅

hello Sa!

not really a scene per se, but i really like the way the comic scratches out words that aren't understood

like this page: https://tapas.io/episode/756155

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

ah i just thought it was a reply to the hellos. welcome @Sa💅 if you felt ignored O_O;;;

of all the things that is my fave part

cause i was skeptical on the language thing when i read the description

but man do i think it actually captures the language gap well

since it is what happens

you know lots of words but then theres always those difficult ones where youre like "omg wtf was that"

snuffysam

hamini really delivered in terms of showing how second languages work

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i also selfishly enjoyed that nao and i are decently close in japanese language understanding cause i wound up reading a lot of the japanese she could understand.

but then kanji

always kanji everywhere all the time

snuffysam

i took a semester of japanese four years ago and flunked lol. i can get through "はい " and that's about it.

i'm a bit better with spoken, but not much

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

hey its something.

this reminds me, i really liked that scene where tina applied language knowledge to figure out vacuum

snuffysam

that was a really cool moment!

as were the rest of the parts where tina had to figure out the instructions given to her

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yes. like man do i give tina all around props for that. i would have left crying cause new jobs are stressful enough without adding a language deficiency to the mix

QUESTION 2. Of those staying in Himawari Share, Shinichi and Masaki are the two we know least about in the current story. Do you think there’s any particular reason the two are staying at Himawari Share, or does it just happen to have a convenient location for them? Like the other characters, do you think they have personal histories or pasts that will come to light? Do you think that it is significant in some way that Shinichi and Masaki are mentioned to be brothers? As time goes on, do you think the others will bond with Masaki, or will the language and culture gap keep interfering? What about Shinichi? Will Nao, at least, become able to understand him better, or will his fast talking still prove too much?

i want to go out on a limb and just say theyre there cause convenient location. but i do think they got some sort of hidden past history. cause at the very least shinichi and masaki dont really look like theyre related. so it makes me wonder if this is maybe a half-sibling relationship going on

snuffysam

oh theory time?

i think they are actually brothers, they just happened to look different. that's how it goes somethimes

i think himawari share is a convenient location for them, but i have no idea what it would be convenient too. like, what are their jobs?

also, my guess - nao is going to start understanding what shinichi is saying, but at first it'll only be, like, she catches every other word.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah im confused at what the share is. cause the girls make it look like its like a special house dorm house for international students who are coming to work and learn in japan. but shinichi and masaki definitely dont appear to be international, so what are they doing there? now its possible they are also going to college in some fashion. but im not entirely sure since it still seems weird to have potentially two natives with three international students.

but to be fair, maybe they own himawari share

cause shinichi and masaki are def both first name

snuffysam

yeah maybe that's just their family home that they rent out

perhaps there are plenty of other people there, and the girls just don't hang out with them because they don't relate as much

international students sticking together and stuff

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah that could also be. although the house seems in a residential area so there cant be too many

alternatively

theres only one other dude living there and hes a shut in that you see once in a blue moon

and theres gonna be some other festival and suddenly hell come out and nao will be le gasp

snuffysam

that sounds about right, yeah

and it would explain tina not knowing who nao was talking about

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

alternatively alternatively, it is just the 5 of them and tina just happens to know a lot of people who look like masaki and forgets who even lives with her

snuffysam

maybe masaki doesn't live there, he just really likes the bathroom

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

masaki lives never door but his bathroom broke and hes too lazy to fix it. comes over to his brother's place all the time.

i really hope we get to see more of shinichi cause of all the characters he seems the most one note atm. and idk what to make of him. although i do like that hes kind of like their tour guide who take sthem to festivals

snuffysam

i think it's just that the comic isn't particularly long yet and shinichi isn't one of the main characters

the description says romance is in the cards, but it doesn't say between whom

that may be where shinichi gets some development

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

it could be. and to be fair, shinichi's mystery kind of suits the fact that theres the language gap cause he clearly doesnt know english well or at all. so its hard to get to know someone well when theres only so many words shared between

like how that convo between nao and hyejung was really formal and stifled before they realized they both spoke english

snuffysam

well, hopefully shinichi is more open to talking about his interests than his brother

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah. although backing up the train for a moment, id like to know why both brothers seemingly dont seem to know any english. cause english is generally required learning in japan and while a lot of ppl arent good at it, theyed probably at least know a few basic phrases. so it strikes me as interesting neither has attempted that much. tho tbf has masaki even said anything?

snuffysam

i think masaki corrected the neighbor lady about his name

but that's it

we don't know if they can speak english or not, i think

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah i mean they could. but i could also see them choosing not to since the girls are all there to kind of learn japanese

snuffysam

oh no wait, there is a page where it's shown shinichi doesn't understand english

https://tapas.io/episode/839877

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

QUESTION 3. One of the comic’s themes revolves around finding yourself, and this issue has given many characters quite the obstacle. In the case of Nao, do you think she will come to terms with that missing part of herself by being in Japan, or will there forever be a gap no matter how much time she spends there? As Nao spends more time there, do you think she’ll feel the culture gap grow or shrink, and how might that affect her? In the case of Hyejung, do you think she’ll figure out what she wants to do with her life, or do you think that still might remain elusive? Additionally, do you think she’ll be able to reconcile with her family? Lastly, in the case of Tina, do you think her part time job will work out, or will the language gap make things too much of a struggle? If she does lose her job, what do you think she’ll do and how might this affect her reasons for being in Japan?

snuffysam

do we know why tina is in japan?

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

i dont think so. and if you dont think so, im gonna feel safe in saying we havent been told

although tina seems like the type to just like adventures

although whereas nao and hyejung give me the impression that they might someday go back to their home countries, tina gives me the impression that this is a permanent thing

at least compared to hyejung, tina seems to care the least about reliving her own culture persay

snuffysam

i think it's not going to turn out how any of the girls' plan. maybe hyuejung finds her purpose is back in korea, maybe it's in japan, etc.

nao is here to reconnect to the missing part of herself and re-learn japanese. while she may end up learning japanese, i don't think reconnecting with her past will happen so much.

she'll see a large culture gap, or get distracted with something else

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

I'm back!

snuffysam

hi justin!

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Hey Snuffy!

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

wb!

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Thanks!

Ooh, a Japanese festival?!

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

there was one in the comic, yes already, yes.

tbh i do think hyejung isnt going to find exactly what she wants. because i feel her desire to go to japan was driven more by a desire to escape her reality versus thinking "yes this is the place where i can find myself"

and shes the one who seems most homesick as well

not ot say i think the journey will be in vain

and i think shell at least learn things about herself

like how to live independently for herself

away from the parents

in nao's case, i think shell...come to terms that she cant have a different past. im actually thinking whats going to happen is shes going to run into something that makes her go "whoa wait america was way better in this aspect" and then shell realize that if she had stayed in japan, she also wouldnt know the american culture she grew up in.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Perhaps

snuffysam

at some point nao likened it to having a twin that was separated from her at birth. and i think her journey will involve coming to terms with the fact that she can't recover that lost twin. she's gone forever.

lots of great metaphors in this comic btw

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

I thought Nao was from Korea.

snuffysam

no you're thinking of hyejung

nao is the one who was born in japan but grew up in america

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Oh right, my bad I saw this page and I thought wrong because of it https://tapas.io/episode/1021922

snuffysam

yeah that chapter follows hyejung

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

aye, thanks

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yeah i do think thats the case with nao. shes going to have to realize that she cant have two pasts or that other half. but i do think being in japan will be both good and bad for it. cause on the plus side, she gets to see what she missed out on, but on the otherhand shes also going to feel the sting of that gap cause im sure shes gonna run into a festival where shes plain just like "i dont understand this"

although assuming her mom is still alive(?) then itll be interesting if she can talk to her mom in japanese again or something

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Yeah.

You know, reading this comic made me remember how much I thought it'd be cool to visit Japan back in high school and planned to go there as a graduation present. How wrong I was.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

this comic gives me the should go to japan itch again. especially to eat the food

which im glad food is involved a lot

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Mmm

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

cause thats a huge facet of the culture

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

I wish I loved Japanese food.

more than I do now

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

on a side note

i loved that little moment where hyejung bitched that the kimchi wasnt even spicy

and how it was made by a japanese run restaurant

cause i liked that detail that just how america amercanizes certain foods, other countries do the same

or at least japan does for sure XD

their mcdonalds are crazy

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

lol yeah

This hit home for me, in a way

like it's not "authentic"

snuffysam

I’ve had Korean food in a restaurant owned by Korean people. And yeah, it’s a lot spicier

I don’t blame Hyejung lol

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

nah i dont blame her either. cause regardless if you grow up used to one flavor, you probably arent gonna be a fan of change

QUESTION 4. Given the focus of the comic is on international students and cultural gaps, to a degree, there are lots of interesting potential scenarios. Did you find the comic’s unique method of showcasing language gaps interesting? How did it change how you viewed the characters’ experiences? Are there any cultural experiences that you’re looking forward to seeing the characters experience? If so, why? Do you feel our heroines will continue to be able to wing it, or will they commit some sort of cultural blunder? If the latter, how do you expect that to play out and emotionally affect the culprit? On a more character oriented level, what other struggles do you think the characters might have in their everyday, personal lives? Do you think everyone will continue to get along, or might tension in Himawari Share grow for some reason? Lastly, do you think romance might be in bloom with any characters?

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

It's certainly very interesting and it shows up the potential troubles of going out into a whole new world

snuffysam

Everyone gets along so well, I just know someone’s going to mess up

Call me a pessimist lol

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

lol

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

snuffy, youre a pessimist

but no i agree

they have been getting along real well

and at some point theyre going to fight

cause at the very least living together isnt easy

cause everyone has different habits

and call me biased, but pretty sure if its a living together thing tina is gonna be the cause of it just cause she has the most unreserved personality

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Yeah.

Eventually all that rage and stress will just need to be all let out.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

one thing i didnt mention about the language thing was that i was glad to see there was a difference between nao and tina. cause tina clearly has a better grasp and that shows, both in how much she understands and how she has learned to learn via context clues.

snuffysam

yeah there's a clear difference between everyone's skill level

even just the "yeah it took me a while to get used to shinichi talking" is an example of that

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

It's great seeing everyone talking in all the different languages(edited)

Especially since it's not easy to do Japanese and Korean in comics unless you're overly familiar with the language yourself (or have a translator)(edited)

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

yes thats also true with the shinichi talking part. i really felt for nao in that moment.

cause its an easier said than done thing

im gonna ship nao and masaki. thats where im putting my shipping chips

snuffysam

perhaps a source of conflict comes from romance coming about with an odd number of people in the house?

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

I made it for the last bit. O.o Though you mentioned a lot of the stuff I liked in the first half hour already, I'm noticing. The bit where Tina brought the soda for Nao and the bit where the two characters were having different music conversations in their minds.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

eey Math

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

I enjoyed those two. The Hyejung at the end, I can see how it's very relatable, and it was emotional, but I guess I just like a bit of funzies in my fave scenes. ^.^(edited)

I'm gonna ship Nao and Tina, because you KNOW me.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

hi math~! was even just thinking "aww i guess math isnt coming after all."

plz math

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

mmm, ships

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

clearly tina and hyejung are the ship

they have more history

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

That's just it, they haven't fallen in love yet. Chips go on the new relationship.

Also, related to what SJ was saying before, the author must be very good with languages or know many herself... I have zero clue if it's right or not, but it's a pretty gutsy venture.

snuffysam

yeah either the author knows three plus languages, or has some really good friends

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

the japanese is correct from what i can tell. at least the parts i could read.

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

There's also those little things that can trip one up in translation, like the "Let's Eat" kind of being the Japanese thanks for the food thing. I think the author even pointed it out once, with the part time job, both of them thanking the other for working, not really being an English thing.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Yeah, I wouldn't ever think to do a foreign language in something of mine unless I rely on a translator.

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

I didn't totally pick up on the skills of the individual characters either, but since you did, it's cool that it can come across too.

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Yea

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

I'm bilingual for English and French and even I'm not sure I'd want to do it.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

what you mean you dont want to do a strip where all the tans start speaking french? XD

i feel like shinichi would be the one to bring a relationship in from the outside

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

Not so much, no.

Yeah, we haven't seen much of the guys (which I notice you mentioned earlier)... honestly, I'm okay with that. I like the focus on the women (and not just because I ship that way) as they all have sort of a bond.

snuffysam

shinichi seems a bit more outgoing, so i wouldn't be surprised if he turns out to already be in a relationship

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

Oh, and the speed-talking thing was well portrayed.

I also want to say it was neat having that character who lives across the street come back in a later scene, when they were going to the post office. Helps make things extra real, incidentals like that.

snuffysam

i liked how she didn't know masaki's name lol

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

Lol

snuffysam

he might not get out much

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

Could be to avoid talking. And just not wanting to talk even to strangers for fear of making a mistake.

Maybe that explains the rudeness too.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

to be fair, i dont know a single one of my neighbors. and if you dont interact with your neighbors, you dont know their names

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

If you start with rudeness, people won't talk to you either, and you won't have to interpret. Yeah, I don't know my neighbours either. ^^;;

Superjustingo of ✨Time🕑&Space☄✨

I don't even have any neghibors

MathTans the super Pun 👑Prince👑

Final thought, super impressed by the translation stuff. Including the blurring of just some words, which was also pointed out earlier. I don't think I've seen anything like that.

Also, Nao + Tina.

✨🐱 RebelVampire 🐱✨

COMIC TEA PARTY END!

Unfortunately, the scheduled Comic Tea Party time is now up~! Thank you everyone so much for reading and joining this week’s chat~! We want to give a special thank you to Harmony Becker, as well, for making Himawari Share and volunteering it for our reading queue. If you liked the comic, please be sure to support Harmony Becker’s efforts however you’re able to. All that being said, if you would like to continue discussing this week’s comic, we highly encourage you to do so~!

For next week, Comic Tea Party will focus on Raison d'Etre by Cloud Fourteen (Funari and Leigh). As always, please use the next several days to read as much of the comic as you would like. We hope to see you next Thursday on August 16th from 5PM to 7PM PDT for the chat~! Until then, happy reading~! Comic: http://raisondetrecomic.tumblr.com/

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic tea party #ctp #comic chat #comic discussion #book club #bookclub #comic book club #comic bookclub #webcomic book club #webcomic bookclub

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psychotherapyconsultants · 7 years

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‘They’re Just Jealous’ Doesn’t Let Bullies Off the Hook

You mean well, but it’s just not right.

If your child has ever been bullied, or even just the target of a mean kid, you know how much it hurts.

Nothing is worse than looking into the eyes of a child whose heart has been broken by a friend or classmate. As a parent, it inspires the deepest pain and even anger. It’s just so unfair.

The 5 Most Common Types Of Adult Bullying

These days, anyone can tell you that “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names can never harm me” is false. We don’t tell our kids to tough it out, man up, or ask them to just ignore bullying anymore. We know better.

But there is one common myth that many well-intentioned parents still burden their children with: “She’s just jealous.” (Or, of course, “he’s just jealous.”)

Sure, maybe a bully or mean kid is jealous. But let’s get this straight: Jealousy is NOT the reason kids are cruel. And while our intentions may be good when we tell this to our kids, it’s actually a pretty dangerous myth to spread.

Here are five reasons why we need to stop telling our kids the “she’s just jealous” lie:

1. Blaming Jealousy Places the Blame Squarely on the Bullied Kid.

I know you don’t mean it like this, but when you tell a bullied kid that someone treated them unkindly because they were jealous, you’re telling them that, in some way, they deserve the unkindness.

Think of it this way, “Chris wouldn’t be so mean to you if you weren’t so good at basketball” or “Liz wouldn’t call you names behind your back if you weren’t so great at math.”

You would never say it like that, but it’s the same implied message.

Telling kids that their success or attributes are the reason someone else is unkind is too much of a burden for them to bear. You don’t need to add guilt to everything else they’re feeling.

2. “He’s Just Jealous” Removes Responsibility from the Child Doing the Harm.

Here’s the truth: We all get jealous. Me, you, your kid, my kid, the teachers, the principal, George Clooney, and the Queen of England.

We just know that jealousy is no reason to be cruel.

That doesn’t mean the bully is a bad kid who is consciously choosing to cause harm. They’re kids, they are sometimes thoughtless and unkind.

But it’s our job, as parents, to make clear that being unkind is a choice we can make, just like kindness can be.

You may need to look at bigger issues, like whether you have the full story surrounding the event in question and whether the teachers may be encouraging (or at least not discouraging it enough) the behavior, but in the end, we all make our own choices.

That knowledge, in the end, can be quite empowering for all the children involved.

3. Blaming Jealousy Teaches Your Child to Handle Her Feelings in an Unkind Way in the Future.

When we tell our kids that bullying happens because someone is jealous, we send a subtle message that the natural way to handle jealousy is to be unkind.

You don’t have to say that directly for the message to be internalized.

You know that old saying “hurt people hurt (other) people”? It’s true for kids, too. At least until you teach them how to handle their hurts better.

Why ’13 Reasons Why’ Was Triggering For Me And Might Be For You Too

4. Connecting Admiration with Cruelty Sets Your Child Up for Unhealthy Relationships in the Future.

When we normalize an unhealthy relationship dynamic like this, we run the risk of our kids becoming too used to the behaviors involved.

Your son may hear that another kid is envious of him, and therefore is unkind, and he may find that kind of bad treatment flattering as a result. There is, after all, a positive undercurrent to telling our kids someone is mean because they’re jealous: We are, in essence, explaining how bad things follow success or even admiration.

So how is he supposed to make good relationship and friendship choices in the future with that sort of confusing emotional connection in his mind?

Even worse, when we tell little girls that boys are mean because they like them (or because they are pretty), we set our daughters up for a dangerous and abusive relationship dynamic that equates love and attraction with cruelty.

5. “She’s Just Jealous” Feeds an Unhealthy Part of Our Kids’ Egos.

Sure, the bully may be jealous. But in reality, your kid probably isn’t all that exceptional.

I’m not trying to be mean! I’m a mom, and I think my children are exceptional and wonderful, too.

But do I think they are SO much better than other kids that other kids envy them?

Not really. My kids are kids. So are your kids.

Generally, every kid your child knows is pretty great and also has some bad moments.

But how is your child supposed to keep her ego in check with you telling her how jealous everyone else is?

Instead of blaming jealousy, sit down with your child and do the following:

Acknowledge how much it hurts to have a friend be so unkind, and let your child talk through their feelings and define their experience for themselves.

Ask your child why they think the other kid is being mean.

Explain that none of us ever have to be mean to a friend or classmate, and that when kids are mean, it’s because they made a choice. But in the same measure, help your child understand that everyone makes mistakes. A friend may have been unkind without realizing it, or been having a bad day, or be feeling a lot of confusing feelings.

Ask your child what they would like for you to do to help solve the problem.

If need be, involve the parents of the other kids and/or administrators and teachers at school. Sometimes all it takes is a one-on-one playdate between friends or a conversation facilitated by both childrens’ parent(s) about kindness to mend fences and heal hurt feelings. In other cases that become serious, police may need to be involved and/or emotional support in the form of a mental health professional or school counselor to help them get through the tough time. Remind kids that there is no shame in seeking help!

Remind your child that they are safe, loved, and cared for at home — no matter what.

You cannot get through childhood without some hurt feelings. That is just how life is.

But the way we teach our children to handle hard times and big feelings can help them in work, friendships, and relationships for the rest of their lives.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Why We Should Never Tell Our Kids “She’s Just Mean Because She’s Jealous.”

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/07/02/theyre-just-jealous-doesnt-let-bullies-off-the-hook/

#World of Psychology

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy

The following is excerpted from the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~ Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world wont make any difference if youre choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what theyre doing wrong, why they cant seem to make it fit, why they cant get the love they want. You cant turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You cant force someone to change and to want what you want. You cant convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldnt or couldnt give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didnt get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but its a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because were swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that hes the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe youve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If youre hung up on a man who cant commit or wont commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect if only he changed such and such, then youre setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, its important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’tfor the life of youget this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with himwhat he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull

Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isnt what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.

When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isnt exactly what you would term romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isnt good for us.

Imago Theory

This theory, developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.

How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like youre not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of your fathers rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.

Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesnt describe your situation at all, but its a powerful concept and it has gained a

lot of praise and recognition in the field of psychology so its worth considering. I know Ive seen some of this at play in my own dating life.

Infatuation

Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isnt based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourselfI mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection? You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The most important trait to develop is objectivity. No one really talks about that because its not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, youll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you its a great idea to go for the bad boy whos just so dreamy, even when hes out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he wont be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesnt operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you werent thinking, thats not what the heart does. OK, I know Im being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, its best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I dont necessarily mean physically, I mean emotionally.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some clich like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guythe infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this, you never get a break from the emotional high and you dont get a chance to come back down and recalibrate.

So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.

You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. has flaws.

Why It Matters

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginningtheyre different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning.

Qualities That Make Him a Keeper

A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail why guys treat them badlywhy they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husbandor even relationshipmaterial and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that arent good for you and dont fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.

When I hit that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will make him feel even closer to you.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we dont have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and whiteusually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say its your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.

For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.

You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.

He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that youre both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.

Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.

He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.

He respects everything about youyour thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.

He wants to make you happy. One of a mans most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but its true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isnt real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.

He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say hell get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.

If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But Im speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.

But the Most Important Quality of All Is

He wants to make it work. Hes willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I remember the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.

I have seen countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant, but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have time for a relationship” or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done differently.

She thinks if she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, if she hadnt done this and instead done that. Really, the only way things would have turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script, if shed never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if shed been perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner. That sounds reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come across!)

If a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed not only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is different, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and are so much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy for me because of how deeply committed he was to making it work.

A big mistake I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).

A relationship isn’t about finding the perfect match, it’s about finding someone you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. Notice the word form. It’s an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a team, and overcoming the challenges.

Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuffpersonality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Every relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances. However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isnt the right one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.

You Don’t Trust Him

Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.

If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.

Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.

If he cheated on you or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.

If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of a cheating/lying ex.

There Is No Depth of Connection

Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed he wasn’t the one and wasnt even that great of a person.

For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.

Each person is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.

Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have much depth of connection. Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like youre connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.

Attraction and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have thats fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.

Lack of Respect

Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.

Respect is huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.

At the same time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.

Eye rolling has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise eye rolling is a manifestation of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.

He Brings out Your Worst

As I mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.

The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.

Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.

Throughout the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and it was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.

It wasn’t that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner. While getting myself out of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we brought out the worst in each other.

The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and understanding and more love and connection. Bad relationships are ones where the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to win. A relationship wont always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will help you grow into a better person, as long as youre with a good guy who is committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.

He Doesn’t Take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone wont take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when hes wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; its a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other persons perspective. However, it doesnt always start out this way. In the beginning hes enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that youre the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you arent supportive enough, youre always negative. It’s always you, never him.

Im not saying every guy who cant take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features.

Hes Selfish

I have a friend who was seeing a guy she really liked, and she continued to date him even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and thats why she wasnt able to break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but most were little things and thats why they were easy to sweep under the rug.

For example, one night she suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved, and he got all pissy and said there wasnt a point in going out for Indian food if he couldnt eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his apartment because thats what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and she was overruled because it wasnt what he wanted.

This may seem like a silly example, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldnt take it anymore and ended it. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while, because thats what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)

Selfish people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you make them feel good; when youre behaving how they want you to, theyre the best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and wont do anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.

Thats not how a relationship works. A relationship isnt there to serve one person. Its a partnership and its about working together, not one person working for the other.

Let Your Gut Be Your Guide

I mentioned the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a little deeper because its an essential skill, one that can keep you out of sticky situations. f At the end of the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from whats right in front of you, but oftentimes you already know. You know when a guy isnt worthy of youwhen youre wasting your time, when youre not being treated the way you would like to be treated or the way you know you deserve to be treatedbut you push this knowledge down because you just dont want to deal with it. You dont want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy who cares about you. You dont want to because its exhausting! It seems somehow easier to stick with whats broken and try to just make it work.

In a good, strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are trying to open your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.

Your gut is a powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you: “You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”

The voice of your ego is loud and overpowering. It tells you “Of course hes the guy for you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”

Your ego shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.

Most people allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute misery ensues.

Our unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.

Have you ever met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of people we’ve had positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people we don’t like right off the bat.

You can pick up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.

The point is, most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you know with rationalizations.

Here are a few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:

Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.

Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.

Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.

Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the nextwork, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the parkanything that will give you the space to check in with yourself.

Remember this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose wisely!

Love doesnt have to be that hard, by Sabrina Alexis is available here.