Lately I’ve been feeling like Thai bl is truly all over the place with so many shows airing at once and some of the best ones flying under the radar while discourse is focused on a couple of the big messy ones. I think you’re the only person I know who is actually watching ALL of them and has been here for the whole evolution of the genre, so I’m curious what stands out to you about this current moment. Do the shows feel different to you? Is the way fandom is interacting with them changing? And what are your current favs?
I ended up writing a thesis, sorry friend lol To be fair to me there are 3 questions in there, all of them meaty! I've done my best to give a sense of where I'm at with Thai BL and how it feels like it's changed over time.
Caveating all of this: I am just one fan who I'm sure has had specific experiences that will colour my opinion, also a lot of this is just vibes so I'm open to being told I've forgotten something major or misremembered what it was like! If you are reading this and your opinion or experience is different please share, with stuff like this I'm always interested in hearing about differing opinions because the fandom experience will depend at least partly on where you hang out. For years, my main fandom space for BL was the YouTube comments section (RIP me).
Overall feel
Honestly, things overall don't feel all that different to me in Thai BL in particular, even though I'm about to talk about a lot of changes and ways it actuallyd does feel very different below lol And after reflecting about it, I think it's because these things still feel very much in flux, in a way that they've felt in flux this entire time. Producers are still figuring out the best funding and distribution models and merch models to make money; creators are still calibrating how queer these shows can be and still be popular; actors are still figuring out how to do BGP (business gay performances) without having fans interfere in their private lives off the clock. Writers are still trying to figure out how to write 12-episode arcs that don't drag in the middle or fumble the ending (which is also not new). The tension between established ships, fan expectations, and genre requirements has honestly been there almost the whole time, though the reverberations of missteps is louder now because of the larger fanbase that is (comparatively) more plugged in to live viewing. The core question in BL has always been 'how do we make this marketable', and that unsurprisingly hasn't changed, though the answer to that question has over time, if that makes sense?
Shows
Do the shows feel different? As a whole, I'd say yes. The biggest differences are of course total quantity and overall quality, but the actual distribution of % of shows that have high(er) production values (i.e. quality) feels close to the same--it was close to 50/50 in the late 2010s and now is maybe more like 40/60 with a higher percentage coming from more smaller production companies. But the numbers we're talking about are something like 15 shows in e.g. 2018 and something more like 50 shows in 2023 (being vague because there are shows that people could argue over whether they should count). The quality overall has increased, even the pulps look better, sound better, and tend to feel a little bit more put together than the pulps of even 2020 (please note that these are all relative qualifiers, most of these shows are still not objectively good). 2020 in particular was a watershed moment for high production value BLs; we get colorists and special effects artists, and sometimes decent sound production now!
There has also been an improvement in terms of what is depicted and how certain subject matter is treated very generally, though I think that's still in flux. Things like evil ex girlfriends are less common than they were and the women in BL are more likely (in general, still not always) to be treated as realized characters. We've gotten more and better femme representation in ensemble shows, and the "gay for you" trope is much less common. Consent is now considered sexy and is much more common than it was; non-consent as "sexy" has eroded and is much less common. Things that used to happen in almost every BL now happen in a much lower percentage. I also feel a little bit less worried about some of the actors on pulp sets because there is more general scrutiny about things like minor actors, intimacy coordination, BGP (business gay performance) expectations, and sexual exploitation. Overall, show recommendations these days come with fewer caveats.
The assumption that if you worked with someone on a BL once you would stay with them as an established pairing was surprisingly early in BL; I don't know if it's just because there were a few shows that had side pairings then get main shows, so the actors did work together on a few shows in a row, which made them feel established, or whether it's because the BGP started early to build hype both before and after shows aired, or whether audiences just made homophobic assumptions about how if two actors had chemistry they had to be gay for each other, and otherwise nobody would want to "play gay" more than once, or would want to have to kiss too many other men....in any case, there were huge scandals and blow-ups around this in BL on even the earliest shows, and some early shows were snubbed because of the pairing alone. Similarly, it was established very early in BL (i.e. 2016-17) that an unhappy ending for a pair would result in your show being panned; cheating was also a guaranteed flop in BL circles (though some ensemble shows that had gay relationships in them such as Friend Zone did fine with cheating plots and unhappy endings). Overall it feels like some things were only depicted in early Thai BL and creators have avoided them since due to the audience reception at the time. I will say, generally, that there have now been enough examples of people in a "branded pair" moving on to a new pair or multiple shows, that it feels less like a death knell to a BL career if one of the actors says they no longer wanted to make BLs, or if they switched companies.
I pay a lot of attention to queerness in BL, and that has changed a little bit too, though not in the way I expected. I had been expecting a more clear and steady trajectory in BL, but we've instead had real swings, and I've realized there will just always be shows that feel more or less actually gay or queer than others, and that's ok. Early Thai shows really spoiled us for good queer content, GayOK Bangkok and Diary of Tootsies are still shows by which i measure what we get now, and both of those are from 2016. I would say that more "mainstream" BL (i.e. by one of the major production companies) hit what turned out to be queer saturation around 2020 and that's where I was most surprised not see a more clear trajectory; rather than things getting more queer from there, I'd say a greater percentage of shows overall feel more queer, but we haven't (and I now suspect won't) reach the queerness we had in Thai tv in 2016. That being said, my secret running list of things I want to see in BL gets shorter every year as entries get crossed off, so I would say the range of queer experience is slowly getting captured as more content continues to be made by a wider range of production houses (PrEP being mentioned in a mainstream show is my white whale).
I know some people assume that shows are higher heat now overall, but I don't think that's true. I do think Thai television producers and directors have overalll gotten better at capturing sensuality, and acting workshops have improved chemistry-building overall too. But from what I can tell the ratio of high head and low heat content is still pretty similar to what it's always been, maybe slightly higher (e.g. at a quick glance I'd guesstimate 30% of shows had a sex scene in 2018 vs 40% in 2023).
Fandom
The main differences in fandom from the really early days and now are the ways we, as international fans, are able to engage with each other, with thai audiences at the same time, and with content creators, and the entitlement that comes with that. In the 2010s we were almost always watching after Thai airing, with either fansubs or, later, official subs, trailing online releases by days or weeks, which themselves may have trailed the Thailand airing date by days or weeks or sometimes even months. That became less true around 2019ish, and especially in 2020 when I think Thai producers were desperate to reach audiences during the start of the pandemic (and when audiences were desperate for something to distract us from what was happening in real life).
As a fan in the mid-late 2010s, watching something was either unofficial via a fansubber, or you were wading through hundreds of Thai comments to find anyone else writing about the shows in English. Now, it's actually rare we don't have immediate international distribution, though it may be paid. If the subs are not up at the same time as the official upload, even on free sites, fans get furious. It's a bit surreal to see people complain about waiting a few hours for subtitles, especially on YouTube, when we sometimes waited months for a series to finish being subbed (not to say people didn't complain back then too, because they sure did! But there were fewer international fans overall, and it wasn't an expectation that there would be subs, so fewer people complained when it happened). This meant that a lot of people only watched shows when they were complete, and people were not watching with any kind of synchronicity.
With international fans moving into simultaneous watching with Thai audiences, we suddenly had the chance to talk about shows as they were airing and affect the conversations about them and even, sometimes, the decisions. Folks seem to have differing opinions about what makes a BL, and what makes a BL good, and they are vocal about when a show doesn't meet their standard. This has always been true, but the strong opinions have more of an effect on the discourse when they're expressed in real-time to the show being aired. Also, when we have literally 3x the number of Thai shows being aired (nevermind other countries which have also increased), it seems so much more egregious to me to complain if a single show doesn't meet your particular taste. Just go watch something else! That was less possible in 2016, but now nobody has any excuse lol Please note here that I'm not saying shows should not be criticized. But when you have one loud faction saying shows should have nothing but innocent kisses if any skinship at all and showing more is distasteful and possibly homophobic, and another faction saying a show should be panned if they don't have at least one sex scene and if there is no good kiss it's homophobic, I don't know where that leaves content creators but I see the tension and how it sometimes results in my least favourite tropes like "blushing maiden" even after a couple has canonically had sex. These factions have always existed in BL fandom, this is not new, they just both seem particularly silly now with so much content to choose from.
The shows that get attention and the shows that get snubbed feel the same too, in all honesty. You can ask yourself the following questions:
Is the show a little slower paced?
Are the story beats less melodramatic?
Do its characters feel more human?
Do they feel more queer?
Is it a comedy?
Is there any risk of an unhappy ending?
Do people not think one of the lead actors is hot?
Do people ship one of the lead actors with someone who isn't his costar?
Do people have to do anything other than go to YouTube to watch it?
If the answer is yes to any of those questions, and especially to the last one, fewer people will be watching, even if the show is good. That's always been true. [Shows I'm thinking about when I say that: Make it Right, He's Coming to Me, My Ride, You're My Sky, Oxygen (though the sides in this one are also at fault), YYY, Something in my Room, Ghost Host Ghost House, Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Soul, Cooking Crush.] All this is to say, there have always been shows that have been ignored, though I agree with you OP that with more shows airing, more are being ignored at any given time.
The other thing is that when a show is good, it doesn't necessarily invite discourse. The messes are often what encourage people to dig in, fill in gaps, linger in the adrenaline. The part that does feel different is also related to the increase in genre BLs; genre stuff in general tends to get more attention in fandom spaces, and the way people are functioning as fans feels different in that they're bringing the way they interact with genre content to BL as BL has started having larger and better funded genre content. I'm thinking about those early genre BLs like He She It, My Dream, Love Poison, Golden Blood, So Much In Love, Why R U....we started getting genre shows in BL in I think 2017 and basically had 1-2 a year until 2020ish and then it increased from there; and the ones that had funding and decent distribution got engagement until they started going off the rails, and then they had even more engagement and then fell off. I don't think it's a coincidence that the shows last year that got people to write meta were La Pluie, Be My Favorite, and I Feel You Linger in the Air. When a show is building a world, there's more to say and interrogate about it, and when a genre show fails, it can fail more spectacularly than a regular romance story. The most popular BL shows used to all be straight-up BL bubble romances, but I think genre shows really started to take over a greater percentage of the popular spots in 2022 and 2023. Again, the main difference here is that there used to be 1-2 stand-out shows per year, and now there are closer to 6+ per year, and as we got more stand-out shows the variety of what type of show stood out as popular has expanded. I do think the overall percentage of shows that are more standard romance plots has reduced, partly because Thai production companies are running out of popular y-novels to adapt. So I'm anticipating we'll continue to get more genre content going forward, and maybe a higher percentage of original works too.
Shows I'm Enjoying Right Now
Right now, the Thai shows airing that I'm watching are:
Cooking Crush
Dead Friend Forever
Cherry Magic Thailand
City of Stars
The Sign
Playboyy
PitBabe
7 Days before Valentine
For Him
Of those, I'd currently most recommend Cooking Crush as a generic BL recommendation. Dead Friend Forever is very good, but is not a romance and is difficult for some to watch (there are a lot of dark themes in addition to the gore and scary bits).
Cooking Crush is doing so many things I love. I've written about the way it's set up its major conflict to be amongst the friend group here, and way the show is depicting communication between the two main characters and how they improve their communication with one another as they get closer here. Two of my biggest BL pet peeves are a conflict for the sake of a dramatic penultimate episode that ignores or retcons a character's growth or the building of trust that a couple has already gone through in the series, so the fact that this show is working so hard to establish strong communication between its leads and then setting up the significant drama to actually about friendship rather than romance is something I cannot overstate my excitement about. To tie this back into what I wrote above, this reminds me of Diary of Tootsies and I mean that in the best possible way.
Dead Friend Foreever is, like I mentioned above, not a romance; it's a slasher horror melodrama with a very well established mystery, an ensemble cast of mostly hateable characters (which I admit isn't usually my thing, but since they're likely all going to die as a result of the genre they're in I'm finding that more tolerable than usual, and there is at least one character I like). DFF did a great job of structuring the story for the ultimate payoff of information reveals. There are a lot of shows that have been messing with non-linear storytelling recently, Cooking Crush being one of the ones that actually does this poorly in my opinion, but Dead Friend Forever effectively uses non-linear storytelling so that we find out important pieces of information about particular characters at a time when that information will have the most emotional impact on what is happening in the "present" of the storyline. Every time there is a reveal, it informs what we've already seen, recontextualizes it, and means we understand some of the character motivations and actions differently from when we saw them the first time. I mentioned above that there are dark themes in this show; one of the things that I really like about this show is that the impact of class is not glossed over, and that the consequences of these events feel very real for the characters; people do terrible things in this show, but these actions are not treated lightly by the show itself.
You'd think these two shows would have nothing in common, but there are things that they share that put them both in my top category. Generally, in both of these shows, the character arcs are clear and logical; when a character does something, even if I don't like the action itself, I can understand exactly why they that and can see how it matches where they are in their arc at the time. The shows show change in characters as a result of what they experience, and the relationships in this show really matter. When characters start acting in ways that feel out of character or against their own arc because they have to in order to drive the plot forward, I struggle to remain invested; that's not happening with either of these shows. Both of these shows also treat serious topics with seriousness, and consequences for actions are real and felt by the characters in the show (and if someone gets away with something, the show is clear that this is not just). Nothing has happened that hasn't been signalled or implied earlier. Both shows also have clear class consciousness and represent the disparity caused by classism in a critical/harsh light.
Whew! I think I got to everything you asked. Thanks again for the extremely interesting question!
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A Lion in the Garden -Tywin Lannister x Reader- (Part 18)
WARNING: Miscarriage, blood
Just a small note ahead of time, because I know that miscarriages are a sensitive subject. They are so common, and it’s something I wanted to touch upon, because they’re often ignored in media despite that. Becoming a mother isn’t always immediate, or easy for that matter, and I feel it’s important to acknowledge that. This is especially true in the GOT universe where it likely would’ve happened much more often. However, given that it is sensitive, please do not feel compelled to read this chapter if you think it will in any way, shape, or form be triggering for you. You will still be able to read the next chapter without any confusion if you decide to skip this one, so please keep that in mind.
—————
“So you’re the high sparrow then?”
The man sitting before me in the cells was absolutely filthy, and if I was honest, did not appear to be much of a leader.
“That is what they call me, yes,” he said, giving a gentle smile. I nodded, glancing at Ser Elias and motioning for him to wait outside the door while I spoke to the man.
“Based on your dress, I’m going to assume that you’re (Y/N) Tyrell,” he said, watching me sit down on a small stool that I’d brought with me. I normally wouldn’t have cared, but Tywin had gifted me this dress, and I didn’t want to ruin it.
“And why couldn’t I be Margaery?” I questioned, crossing my legs and placing my hands in my lap.
“The dress is cream with red roses and gold details,” he observed, making me raise an eyebrow.
“Yes it is, why does that matter?”
“I should think you of all people would be familiar with the rumors that you and Tywin Lannister are romantically involved,” he said with a slight laugh, causing me to be slightly irritated. I decided it was best to ignore him.
“The reason I’m here, your holiness, is because I’m curious. What kind of man creates a group willing to parade people through the streets naked?” I questioned, leaning forward as I looked down at him.
“A reasonable one, I’d like to think.”
“Or one who craves power given to him through fear.”
“Fear?”
“Forcing someone who indulges and commits what you believe to be ‘sins’ to walk the city naked creates fear,” I said, watching him smile and shake his head.
“It is not to create any sort of fear, Lady (Y/N). It is to repent for the sin,” he tried to excuse, making me scoff at the man’s sheer audacity.
“If you truly believed in repentance, I should think you would try to help people find a better lifestyle naturally, by removing that action from their life. Not by humiliating them,” I replied, watching him think of a reply.
“It is how the gods made us.”
“And yet even you do not walk naked, high sparrow. Whether you believe it or not, your motive is to inspire fear.”
“You disapprove quite adamantly. I wonder if there’s a reason for that,” he said suggestively, implying that perhaps I only disliked it because I was afraid of being forced to do it myself. I began to laugh.
“No, no, it’s not that. The last thing parading me naked would do is inspire fear. The reason I disapprove is because I feel it fundamentally goes against morality. If the gods are so just, why don’t you trust them to punish those that deserve it in their own time?” I questioned, wondering if perhaps behind all the nonsense there was a sliver of reason.
“We merely try to help them find a better path sooner rather than later.”
“And who are you to determine what that better path is? Plenty of ‘sinners’ lead much better lives, much kinder lives than those who claim to be devout and religious,” I said with a scoff, knowing that faith and opinion often became one.
“You’re correct, I won’t deny it. But there are also all those in between.”
“Care to list any examples, your holiness?”
“Homosexuality, for example. It is an insult to the way the gods made us,” he said rather quickly, picking up on the way my eye twitched. I was certain he knew that targeting Loras was inevitably going to rile me up.
“The way the gods made us? If they hadn’t wanted it, they wouldn’t even have given us the thought. Unless you would admit that the gods make mistakes, then they’ve created many of us with different preferences than others.”
“A preference? No. It is a disease, my lady. One we must root out.”
“I cannot say I agree, high sparrow. If you asked every man alive who his ideal woman was, very few would give the same answer. In that sense, there are some men who would not like a woman at all. I’ve had this discussion before with another, though it was not so tedious as this.”
The high sparrow scoffed and shook his head, smiling to himself.
“Well, even if homosexuality weren’t a sin, intercourse out of marriage most certainly is. That is why the high septon was punished, as he of all people should know that,” he claimed, hands folded in his lap. It was an odd stance, and quite calm for a man who would get his head cut off in less than an hour.
“The high septon was in a brothel. If you beat and stripped every man in the city who’d ever gone to a brothel or had intercourse out of marriage there wouldn’t be a single person with clothes on,” I said, beginning to laugh.
“And that includes Tywin Lannister, doesn’t it?” He asked with a grin, trying to find a weakness perhaps. No, I would not let him use it against me.
“Yes, it certainly does. I’m not going to deny it, Lord Tywin and I have been sleeping together for quite some time now. I don’t regret it, and I don’t believe it’s a sin,” I said simply, watching the man’s face twist in surprise.
“You don’t believe it’s a sin?”
“No, why would it be? As you said, the gods gave us our bodies, and with them they gave us pleasure,” I said with a smile, finding it ridiculous that so many people often made such a fuss about sex as if it wasn’t something all of us enjoyed.
“The purpose of it is to show our loyalty and devotion to them by resisting the urge until marriage,” he replied, somewhat annoyed by my perspective.
“We show our loyalty and devotion by praying and building great septs and grand churches. What kind of ‘just’ gods would purposely give us something to fail at? I think we ought to enjoy the lives they’ve given us and do our best to be good people,” I explained, wondering if he could at least agree with the last sentiment.
“You are at least correct in that. It’s important to love everyone around you equally, even those that might be deemed as ‘below’ you,” he remarked with a gentle grin. I knew what he was suggesting, however.
“I know you believe all nobles to be selfish and unaware, and I won’t deny that most of us certainly are. I won’t even deny that I myself have recoiled at the poor. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care for them, though. What I do politically is, after my own family’s benefit, for the realm. Why do you think I ended the war with Robb Stark? We easily could’ve crushed him, yet I met with him because I knew it would restore general peace and allow thousands of men to return home to their families. I’ve also been ensuring that the Tyrell lands feed this city, lest you forget,” I told him, not liking to be accused falsely. I would own up for my flaws, but I would not accept lies.
“You manage those funds? Not your grandmother or father?” He questioned, raising a skeptical eyebrow.
“I’ve begun to, yes. Once my father is dead, I’m to show Loras how to do it. My grandmother would prefer I handle things until that day comes, however,” I said, watching him nod.
“Quite impressive of you. The Nightshade of the Garden is very well rounded, isn’t she?”
“Yes, she is. Thank you for speaking with me, high sparrow. It has been interesting to speak with you,” I said, feeling quite done with the man.
“Of course, Lady (Y/N). Seven blessings to you.”
“And to you. I hope you’ll give the gods my regard,” I said with a slight smile. It was both sarcastic and genuine, somehow.
He gave me a nod, and I left the cell slightly irked. There was something strange about the man, as he made such repulsive and unfortunate remarks so calmly and happily. I had no doubt in my mind that my family would’ve been targeted had Tywin not had him arrested so immediately, and suddenly I was glad that he had done so.
Seven blessings to the high sparrow, indeed.
—————
Tywin had been right, the people of king's landing had cheered when the high sparrow’s head detached from his body.
The end of his short reign, if one should even call it that. I was glad it hadn’t grown into anything serious, and I was glad Tywin had handled it effectively.
So long as it kept my siblings safe, I didn’t care what it took. And speaking of which, I was currently on my way to go see Margaery.
I’d had dinner with her upon my return, but it had been more than a week since then, and now that I’d had the stitches taken out of my wound I was a bit more free to move around.
Ser Elias had offered to escort me, but I was certain it was fine. I was grateful I had kept the cane from about a year and a half ago.
Gods, had it really been that long since the battle of Blackwater?
I reached Margaery’s room, knocking on the door. There was no response, and I found it rather odd. She always came back to her room after lunch.
I reached for the door handle, and finding that it was open, I slowly pushed it open.
I found her laying on her bed, eyes shut but breathing fast enough that I could tell she was awake.
“Are you alright, Margaery?” I asked, closing the door behind me. She opened her eyes and sighed.
“I’ve been feeling somewhat ill all day. I was hoping to get a bit of sleep, but I haven’t been able to,” she said, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.
I nodded, sitting down in one of the chairs by her table.
“What are you feeling?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t anything serious. An odd look passed over her face, almost as if she herself was trying to figure something out.
“I’m a bit tired and nauseous. There’s pain in my lower back, too, but I imagine I just slept oddly,” she reasoned, which made decent enough sense to me.
“Well, I hope it goes away,” I said, pouring myself a glass of wine. She nodded and sighed again, clearly uncomfortable.
“The high sparrow was beheaded this morning, wasn’t he?” She questioned, looking over at me as I looked around the room. It felt messier than usual.
“Yes, he was. I spoke with him beforehand, too. He was quite opinionated, even if there was certainly a lack of logic in it,” I said with a soft laugh, making Margaery shake her head.
“People like that always make me so nervous. They can’t be convinced no matter what you tell them,” she said with a scoff.
“No, they certainly can’t. He and I certainly had quite the debate,” I told her, fidgeting with part of my dress. Margaery inhaled sharply, looking as if she might throw up, but then returned to normal a few moments later.
“Apologies, what did you two debate?” She asked, coming back to herself again.
“He tried to prod about homosexuality, which of course was a dig at Loras. I didn’t let that stand, however, so his next insult was about sex out of marriage. He seemed to think that Lord Tywin and I were having intimate relations too,” I said, making Margaery laugh softly.
“The gods always know the truth, (Y/N). I don’t know why you still deny it.”
“It’s not the truth. Gods forbid the people of King's Landing see a man and a woman interact with each other in a way that isn’t romantic,” I pretended, knowing damn well the people of King's Landing had been correct about Tywin and I before we even knew it.
“Of course, that’s what it is, you-“ Margaery smiled and began to tease, but suddenly ceased to speak, and I watched her press her hands into her abdomen.
“Margaery?” I asked, rising from my chair and moving over to her. She didn’t look well. She gripped onto my arm then, and I reached under her.
“Let’s get you to a maester, hm? I’m certain it’s nothing,” I said, trying to reassure her. She nodded, and I helped her up.
We made it halfway across the room, and then I felt the strength fade from her arms. She fell to the floor, one hand clutching the cold stone and the other on her stomach.
“(Y/N)… h-help,” she gasped out, making my eyes widened. I had no idea what was happening, let alone what to do.
I got down beside her, placing a hand on her back and trying to figure out what was going on.
“What hurts, Margaery? Where?” I questioned, watching as she clutched her lower stomach and began to cry.
“Are you menstruating? You get quite bad cramps sometimes,” I reasoned, recalling all the times the maesters had given her milk of the poppy growing up.
“N-No, I’m not,” she said quietly, still trying to handle all the pain.
“You’re certain?”
“Yes! I’m pregnant,” she gasped out, making my eyes go wide.
Pregnant?
Who was I kidding, of course she was pregnant. I knew my grandmother had given her a talk about striking quickly and cementing herself as queen, but I just… I didn’t quite expect it.
Nothing ever could have prepared me to see my sister get married and have kids. In my head she was always just my younger sister, someone to protect and comfort. It was easy to forget that she was advancing in her life much faster than I was.
With all that aside, though, I wracked my brain trying to figure out what could be happening if it wasn’t menstrual cramps.
Just then, I saw blood begin to emerge from under her skirt, and it all clicked in my head.
Oh gods.
When I looked over at Margaery, she had a numb look on her face for a moment, and then she began to sob.
“Y-(Y/N)… help, help me. My baby… my baby,” she cried out, still desperately holding her abdomen. I was beginning to panic, I had not a single clue what to do when a woman was having a miscarriage.
“I need to get a maester, Margaery. I’m going to get a maester,” I whispered, and she shook her head vehemently.
“No! N-No… I don’t want people to know… they can’t know,” she sobbed. My heart broke. I didn’t want to imagine what kind of gossip would circulate if people were to find out.
“Well I need to go get someone… I need to find someone. My chambermaid, she’ll know… she’ll know what to do,” I said, trying to reassure myself just as much as I was trying to reassure Margaery.
“Stay… stay, please,” Margaery cried, holding onto me. I pressed her face into my chest as she wept, and I tried to rock her back and forth. I was still shaking.
“I’m so sorry, Margaery, I’m so sorry,” I whispered, wishing I could’ve known sooner. Maybe there was something we could’ve done. Deep down I knew the answer to that, though.
All she could do was sob into my arms, and I found myself petting her hair. My sister was having a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
My, the gods were so cruel.
I felt my heart sink. Was this my punishment for challenging the high sparrow?
I buried my face in Margaery’s hair, kissing her head and trying to soothe her as her sobs grew louder.
I was trying to create a plan. I needed to find Cerella, she would know how to help Margaery physically and make certain nothing else was wrong.
But I also needed to clean up all the blood from the floor, and I had no idea where to start.
“Margaery, can you stand? I want to get you to the bed, sweetie,” I whispered, wrapping my arms all the way around her. Slowly, I helped her rise, grabbing at her skirts so they wouldn’t get even bloodier than they already were. The pain in my thigh was horrible, but I ignored it completely. There were more important matters now.
I helped her to lay down on the bed, letting her clutch a pillow for comfort. I then ran to the door, opening it just enough to stick my head out.
Instantly, I found two maids chatting with each other as they walked about the halls.
“Ladies! I need urgent help, please. Can one of you find Cerella and the other fetch a bucket of water? It truly is an emergency. Please tell Cerella to bring medicine,” I said, to which they instantly nodded and ran off in a hurry. I sighed out as I closed the door again, searching the room and finding a few towels that I could use to clean once everything else was dealt with.
I made my way over to Margaery again, sitting beside her on the bed. She sat up, embracing me and crying into my shoulder.
“I am so sorry, Margaery. I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could take the pain for you,” I muttered, truly wishing she didn’t have to go through this.
“I know, (Y/N), I know,” she whispered, still shaking in my arms. Or perhaps we were both shaking, it was hard to tell.
Just then, the door opened behind us and I found Cerella coming in with both a bucket of water and a small bag. She instantly saw the blood on the floor and saw Margaery crying into my arms, making her close the door rather quickly.
She set the water down, rushing over to us.
“What happened?” She asked softly, looking Margaery over but not spotting any obvious wound.
I motioned for her to lean down, and subtly explained what had happened. She nodded sympathetically.
“There’s nothing we can do, Lady Margaery, but I can give you milk of the poppy for the pain and perhaps essence of nightshade to help you sleep,” Cerella offered, to which Margaery nodded and sniffled.
Cerella poured out the dosages and gave them to her, watching as I continued to pet Margaery’s hair until she fell asleep.
When we were certain she was no longer conscious, I went into her wardrobe and brought out her sleeping gown, carefully putting her into it with Cerella’s help. Afterwards, took her bloodied dress and sighed.
“Burn the dress, Cerella. That much blood won’t come out, and I don’t want to leave any evidence behind. Do it now, I’ll tend to the floor myself,” I said, watching her swallow and nod.
“If you need assistance with anything else, my lady, please let me know.”
“I will, thank you very much for helping my sister. She didn’t want a maester, she was worried people would find out,” I explained, leaning down and kissing my sister's forehead as I tucked her under the covers.
“I understand, my lady. I’ll go burn the dress now,” she said, excusing herself once I’d nodded and leaving me alone with Margaery.
When she was gone, I began to cry. I’d spent a lifetime attempting to bring joy and comfort into my siblings' lives just to realize that there was nothing I could do to prevent them from trauma and pain was a startling thought. I could not protect Loras from marriage, I could not protect Margaery from this.
I wanted more than anything to take this pain away from Margaery, and I realized then I ought to send a raven to Highgarden. It would be beneficial for my grandmother to be here, as Margaery relied on her more than anyone.
Plus, I would not be able to give her the comfort and help necessary due to my constant involvement in politics and such. Yes, I would send for my grandmother.
With a sigh, I made my way across the room, grabbing the towels I’d set aside and getting down on my knees. First, I soaked up the blood on the floor, knowing if I used water first it would cause an even bigger mess.
There was so much blood I could not comprehend it, and I had to close my eyes and bite my lip to keep myself from sobbing too loudly. I continued to cry as I cleaned it up, feeling such a distinct pain in knowing I’d been unable to ensure my siblings’ happiness.
In my own way, I also grieved the lost child. I’d always imagined myself doing quite well with Loras or Margaery’s children, and if I’d known she was pregnant in any other circumstance I would’ve been overjoyed.
I found myself disassociating as I finished wiping the blood away, and my hands were shaking without my consciousness. The blood had stained the tile, and I let some of the water pour onto the floor, using a new towel to now clean the tile.
It took more than an hour to remove the blood completely, and I felt exhausted when I had finished. Thankfully, Margaery had slept through the whole thing, and Cerella had come back to check on us.
“Is there anything else you need help with? I can take the bucket and burn the towels too,” she offered, to which I nodded and sighed, sitting down and rubbing my sore knees. I drank my wine with a tremor in my hand, hoping to numb myself a bit further.
“I’d like to have new flowers brought in. Bright ones. And perhaps summon Ser Elias, I’d like to rearrange some of the furniture. I want to alter the room so that she won’t think of it every time she’s in here,” I said, to which Cerella nodded and instantly set off with the towels and bucket.
I remained in the room for the rest of the day, and when Margaery had woken later in the afternoon, the furniture had already been fixed and flowers had already been added. Though she cried, I could tell she was grateful.
I helped her drink and eat, though it was not very much. Either way, I took it upon myself to help her through this however I could.
When it grew late, I stayed in her room and slept beside her in her own bed. I suspected Tywin would question where I was tomorrow, but that was a matter I would handle then and not now.
Now, the only thing that mattered to me was my sister, fast asleep in my arms, just as she had been when we were children and she’d had nightmares.
Though, I wished it had been a nightmare. I wished I could wake her and tell her all was well.
But no, the gods had not been so kind. It seemed they never were.
—————
I’d returned to my room late in the morning, having already written to my grandmother and helped Margaery get dressed. She went to the gardens with Ser Elias, and I couldn’t blame her for wanting to get out of the room and into the fresh air.
I spent the majority of the day reading and trying to blur out what had happened. Every time I lost my train of thought, the image came back and I forced myself to keep going.
By the time the sun had set, I’d finished the book I hadn’t been able to complete for weeks now. It was with a reluctant sigh that I had called upon Cerella to draw a bath for me.
More than anything, I was just enjoying the warm water and trying to clear my head. Cerella had offered to stay and help me bathe, but I told her I’d do it all myself.
Of course, the second I got into the bath, there was a knock upon the door.
“Lady (Y/N)?”
The voice was unmistakably Tywin’s, and I smiled as I settled into the water.
“Enter!”
The door opened and then closed, and I watched him step into the room and look around. He gave me a gentle smile when he saw me in the bathtub. Without a word, I watched him remove his coat and his ascot, coming to sit on the floor beside the tub.
“I can wash your hair, if you’d like,” he offered, lifting the hand I was resting on the side of the tub to his lips.
“That would be very nice, Tywin. Thank you,” I said softly, leaning my head back a bit as he rolled up his sleeves and got to work wetting my hair.
“I used to do this for Joanna. I did it quite a lot, actually. She always had such long hair, it was hard for her to do it herself,” he revealed, adding in the soap to my hair.
“And why not have her chambermaids do it? Surely that would’ve been more proper,” I questioned, teasing slightly but also curious.
“A man ought to be able to care for his wife. Or his lover,” he remarked, adding more water to my hair and massaging my scalp a bit. It felt good, and it helped relieve the headache I’d had practically for two days now.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here last night, I was with Margaery. She was rather sentimental, I think she may be missing our grandmother,” I said after a moment, certain he was going to ask about it. It was a lie, and for once I felt it sounded like one.
“It’s quite fine. What did you two discuss?” He asked. Yes, he seemed to think it was a lie as well.
“We… we discussed-“
“You’re lying. I know you were with Margaery, our chambermaid told me that much. But you’re lying, I can tell,” he noted, finished with my hair and now merely sitting beside me.
“Your head is probably jumping to hurtful conclusions, but it wasn’t anything like that. I’m not avoiding you, or speaking poorly of you. I just- I promised Margaery I wouldn’t speak of it to anyone,” I said, slowly washing my skin. I did not miss the look over Tywin was giving me.
“If you’re concerned with rumors spreading, you have my word. I trust you more than any of my own children, (Y/N). You know that,” he said, reaching for my towel and wrapping me in it as I stood up.
“I’m aware of that, and it’s not a matter of trust. I trust you with nearly all of my secrets, Tywin, you know that. But the reason I was with Margaery yesterday isn’t for me to share with you,” I said, making him raise an eyebrow.
“Nearly all of your secrets?”
“Well, a woman must stay somewhat mysterious. There are things you know that not even my family does,” I admitted, watching his curiosity be piqued.
“Such as?”
“My family’s never heard me sing before,” I said, which was truthful. I feared it might ruin my reputation.
“You told me you sang with Jaime’s man when the three of you were in Dorne,” he said, clearly a bit jealous. I laughed softly.
“He had a good voice, why shouldn’t I? You know me better than anyone else, Tywin. That’s the point I’m making,” I assured him, slipping into my undergarments and then into my nightgown.
“I will take your word for it. Just know, if you do want to discuss whatever happened yesterday, I’m all ears,” he said while removing his boots. I was glad he’d be staying tonight, I felt I needed it.
“Well, rest assured I won’t be telling you about it any time-“ my voice trailed off as I looked down.
I began to cry.
Tywin was instantly by my side when he realized, trying to figure out what was happening.
“What’s wrong, my dear?”
After a moment, he noticed the blood coming through my undergarments and relaxed a bit. My monthly had come, and though to him it appeared normal, it felt like very bad timing considering what had just happened.
“It’s your monthly, isn’t it? No need to cry over that,” he said, searching my drawers for fresh undergarments. When I continued to cry, he looked back over.
“It is your monthly, isn’t it?” He asked. There was a hint of fear in his voice, and I realized then he was considering the possibility that I was having a miscarriage.
“It’s my monthly, don’t- don’t worry,” I choked out, sitting down on the ottoman and sobbing into my hands. He sat down beside me, hand on my back.
“What’s wrong, (Y/N)? Please tell me,” he whispered, cupping my cheek so I would look at him. I buried my head into his shoulder, still feeling overwhelmed.
“Margaery had a- a miscarriage yesterday. I s-shouldn’t be telling you that, but I can’t stop thinking about it,” I cried, feeling his arms wrap around me as he held me close.
“Oh sweet girl. My condolences to both of you, it’s not easy to overcome,” he said softly, petting my hair.
“It happened while I was with her, Tywin. I’d initially gone over just to talk with her, and then- and then her pain got worse and she began to bleed. And maybe if I’d- if I’d figured it out quicker or acted faster she wouldn’t have… she wouldn’t have…” I couldn’t finish my sentence, I was crying too much at this point. I felt a deep guilt about what had happened, as if I should’ve been able to prevent the event.
“(Y/N), it’s not your fault. The gods take children from us the same way we pick flowers from bushes. At that point, there was nothing you could’ve done,” he reassured me, placing a kiss on my head.
“I just- I feel as though I’ve failed her. My entire life- my entire life, I’ve dedicated myself to protecting my siblings, to keeping them safe and happy. I just- I hate knowing that there are things I can’t protect them from anymore,” I expressed, still crying as he held me.
“I know, sweet girl. Trust me, I know, and I’m sorry,” he muttered, rocking me gently.
“I wish I could take the pain for her, physically and emotionally. I wish I could take all my siblings' burdens for them,” I said softly, truly wanting to do so.
“Margaery will obviously need time to recover, but she’s as capable as you are. I feel confident that she will come back just as you do, resiliently and even stronger,” he assured me, cupping my face in both of his hands.
I nodded, letting him wipe my tears and kiss me sweetly.
“Did Tommen know she was pregnant?” I asked softly, not sure what the situation was.
“I don’t believe anyone did, otherwise announcements would’ve been made and I certainly would’ve known. I won’t tell him, if Margaery wishes to I’ll let her do it,” he said, knowing why I was asking. It wouldn’t have been logical to not tell him first if he’d already known, but if he hadn’t known to begin with, then I suspected Margaery would want to keep it to herself.
“I don’t want people to find out. Ever.”
“I understand, (Y/N). Now here, change so we can go to sleep,” he said, handing me the clean undergarments. I nodded, changing and preparing them as needed so I wouldn’t bleed through. Tywin removed his boots and shirt as I did, I was met with a pleasant surprise upon turning around.
“You’re so handsome, Tywin,” I whispered, stepping toward him and kissing his forehead. His hands came to my hips, and he leaned into me for a moment. After that, I felt him pick me up, and I squealed slightly as he carried me to bed, setting me down with a gentle smile.
I watched carefully as he made his way around the room, extinguishing most of the candles before coming to bed and finally removing his pants. Now only in his undergarments, he joined me under the covers and pulled my back into his chest..
“You’re a wonderful sister, (Y/N), never forget that. You’ve always defended your family more passionately than anything else, so don’t blame yourself for what’s happened,” he whispered, nuzzling into my neck.
“And who should I blame then?” I questioned. For a moment, he was silent.
“Blame a god we do not follow in Westeros.”
I nodded, aware of the many faced god that had a decent following in Essos. I couldn’t blame them, for it was a fact that death was inevitable. Or, as they liked to say: Valar Morghulis
All men must die.
As I felt Tywin shift behind me, my heart sank. Could the many faced god take another god? Or, a god among men, it seemed.
Yes, he certainly could. Though, whenever he decided to do it, he would receive two souls, not just one. I would make sure of that when the day came.
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