#cw mention of AIDS crisis

[dreamwatch]

For the Spotify fic challenge: Steddie, and lucky #13! ❤️

I got this ask on December the 3rd!! It took me forever to come up with something for this, but I got there! I don't think this is as heavy as the tags make it seem, but please heed them @thisapplepielife thank you so much for the ask, it really got the old brain box working!

Spotify Prompt: Free Fallin' by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers (yes, Tom Petty again!)

Word Count: 3623 | Rating: T | CW: Period typical homophobia, homophobic language, chronic pain, internalised ableism, brief mention of AIDS crisis | Relationships: Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, Steve Harrington and His Parents | Tags: Protective Eddie Munson, Disabled Eddie Munson, Established Relationship, Meeting The Parents, Steve's Parents Are Trying, Not Beta Read

--

Eddie works fucking hard all week and he just wants to kick back on a Saturday, and do nothing. Feet up on the table, beer in one hand, pizza in the other. Maybe catch a film. Maybe watch a game with Steve. Whatever. It’s his time, he gets to choose how he spends it.

Instead, they’re sitting in the car outside the Harrington’s house, and Steve looks like he’s about to be fed to the wolves. Eddie’s never been brought home to meet the parents before. Usually, he’s never brought home at all. This is as hard for Eddie as it is for Steve. He’s deeply suspicious of Steve’s parents, of their suddenly wanting to meet the guy he’s shacked up with. To get a closer look at the guy who stole Steve’s chance for a good ol’ fashioned midwestern life, white picket fence, sweet wife, a couple of kids, briefcase and tie, trade in the bimmer for a Volvo. All that shit. All that shit that Eddie has no experience with, no desire for. 

Two years together, and this is the first time he’s been summoned. Steve says it’s because they finally believe him. They thought it was a joke at first. They stopped laughing, eventually.

Eddie doesn’t really know what to expect. Robin says his mom is sweet, his dad is nice enough but tough on Steve and there’s still tension there even though Steve’s in his twenties now. Dustin thinks his dad is a hoot, and somehow the idea of Dustin bonding with Mr Harrington feels like a betrayal. But Dustin doesn’t have the full picture, so. There’s that.

“We better go in,” Steve says, not looking at Eddie. Not really looking at anything. And that doesn’t really instil confidence in Eddie, about how all this shit is going to go down, because Steve has been telling him all week not to worry about it, it will be fine. But he’s sitting here looking like the world is about to end. And maybe it is. Maybe that’s exactly what’s about to happen, Steve’s world, that complex relationship with his parents that they cultivated with such tender hands, will just shatter once the reality of everything Steve has been telling them for the last couple of years manifests in their dining room.

Eddie might not have done this before, but he knows his part. Turn up, be polite, play nice. And above all things don’t bite if the other kids don’t play nice. Because Eddie will always be the one that gets the blame. 

He checks his hair in the rearview mirror one last time. It’s tied back, the tiniest bit of hairspray to tame it and stop any unruly hairs from escaping mid canapés. How uncouth. Picking clothes was a whole thing. ‘It’s not a formal dinner’, Steve said, no need to get gussied up, ‘I want you to look like yourself, to be comfortable.’ And Steve probably did mean that, truly, but it didn’t matter how many teeshirts and jeans combos Eddie tried on, none of them seemed to be the ‘Eddie’ that Steve was hoping to bring home to his parents. What followed was an argument, ‘You fucking choose then’, slammed doors, eased over with a kiss and ‘What about these?’ So now he’s in the Harrington’s driveway wearing a pair of clean black jeans, knees neatly hidden behind denim, and a long sleeve (always long sleeves) plaid shirt, which could almost pass for one of Wayne’s if it weren’t for the tiny little polo player embroidered on the pocket. He’s been permitted to wear a pair of Doc Martens he found in a thrift store in Indy, they’re clean and smart enough and they’re fucking comfortable and he needs that. Just one bit of comfort, one bit of him.

They stand on the doorstep and Steve knocks and it strikes Eddie as weird. He moved out of Wayne’s a while ago, but he still has his key, and if he knocked on the front door Wayne would ask Eddie what his last doorman died of. But he forgets sometimes that his upbringing is not the norm, that not every kid got saved from foster care by their uncle because their dad is in jail. 

Mrs Harrington answers the door, and Eddie’s seen pictures of her, he’s been in this house before (he’s done things to her son in this house that would definitely lower its market value) but she’s shorter than he imagined, and Steve bends over to hug her. It’s cute. 

Mr Harrington looms behind her and makes eye contact with Eddie briefly before moving to his son. Another hug, stiffer, with a manly clap on the back. But it’s not nothing, and some of that tension from before has already dispersed from Steve, he has some of his lightness back. A smile back on his beautiful face. Eddie’s not ready to let his guard down yet, he is after all the main course at this particular feast, and he’s just waiting for the cleaver to fall, the teeth to take hold (not teeth, not teeth, not teeth).

“Mom, Dad, this is…” Steve looks at him. Pleading. Loving. Accepting. Scared. “Eddie.”

“Eddie!” says Mrs Harrington, like she actually wants him standing in her hallway, god love her for trying. “It’s lovely to finally meet you.”

Oh God, he’s on now, isn’t he? Steve’s thrown him the ball and he needs to not fumble the catch, or something, he’s watched enough games now that some of it should be sinking in. 

“Mr and Mrs Harrington, it’s lovely to meet you both. Uh, thank you. For inviting me.”

“Amanda, please,” says Mrs Harrington, “and this is David,” and it’s pointed, a little spiky. Eddie likes that. David’s giving Amanda the evil eye and Eddie is trying not to smile about it.

“Eddie. Good to meet you,” the poor guy manages to spit out. And Jesus fuck, he holds his hand out to shake it, and Eddie has to resist the temptation to wipe his hands down the front of his jeans. He’s clean, every inch of him scrubbed and moisturised and cologned. Eddie doesn’t know why he’s sweating on this particular social norm, both Al and Wayne taught him the art of the handshake as a young boy. ‘Shake from the elbow, firm hand, and match their grip’ said Wayne. ‘Ain’t nothin’ worse than a weak handshake’ said Al. 

Amanda offers him the grand tour before Steve reminds her that Eddie’s been here before, only not when they were around. David bristles and walks away and that’s probably for the best all things considered.

They all walk through to the massive kitchen, and Amanda offers him a beer and he nearly breaks his fucking neck with the speed he takes it. 

“Dad thought because it’s such a lovely day we’d grill outdoors. How does that sound for a change?” Steve’s mom rests her hand on Steve’s back, and Eddie sees the movement, the slow comforting strokes. 

There’s a cough from the patio, and David Harrington looms in the doorway. “Why don’t you give me a hand, son.” Huh. Divide and conquer, and so early into the afternoon. Steve looks at Eddie and what is Eddie going to say? How dare you leave me to your mother so that you can bond with Daddy? I haven’t seen mine in years, hasn’t done me any harm. He’s a good boyfriend, so he nods and smiles, hoping that it conveys what he really means. We can leave whenever you need to. Just say the word. I love you.

Amanda bustles around in their kitchen, dicing cucumbers and tomatoes, making herself busy, keeping herself away from him. He’s propped on a stool at their breakfast bar because he needs to get the weight off his leg and he didn’t bring his cane because ‘I’m fine Steve, I don’t need it’, not because he didn’t want the Harrington’s to think he was weak or incapable of working, mooching off their son. Definitely not that.

“So, um, what do you like in your salad? Anything I should leave out? Steve didn’t really give me much to go on. I promise I asked.” She sounds like she cares whether he eats zucchini or not (not, decidedly fucking not).

“Ah, I’m not fussy, honestly. Just, you know whatever you guys usually have is fine.”

She looks over her shoulder, a little conspiratorially. “Not a big salad guy, huh? Don’t worry, neither is David. I know when I’m fighting a losing battle.”

Eddie returns the smile. He keeps throwing furtive glances outside, hoping he can just summon Steve to save him. He should be glad, to be honest, that Steve is still out there with his dad. If it was going badly he’d likely have returned by now.

Amanda keeps up the inane chatter, the small talk grating on him. This is so alien to him, so bizarre. He’s doing his best to keep up with her, though, because this isn’t about him. If they never accept him, never want to see him again, he’s fucking fine with it. But Steve loves them, and despite things being tense over the last couple of years Eddie’s pretty certain they love him.

Eddie’s sipping at his beer when he hears the knife slam against the marble countertop. 

Amanda spins to face him.“Look. I’m as uncomfortable as you, okay? So why don’t we just cut the shit.”

He puts his beer down, sits up and draws his shoulders back, ready for battle. He’s been waiting for this. Unfortunately, his leg decides to spasm painfully at the same time, kind of killing the image. He hisses, clutching his thigh and doing his best to massage the pain away as if that’s all it would take. He hates this, fucking hates that it happens in front of this woman of all people.

“Are you… are you okay?” Amanda makes her way closer, and she looks like she wants to reach out to him but can’t quite bring herself to do it.

Eddie takes a deep, calming breath. “It’s fine. I’m fine. It just… it happens. Sometimes. It’s fine.” It’s not even close to fine but he’ll be fucked if he’s telling her that. About his constant pain, about losing one job because he couldn’t keep up with the rest of the crew, about being shit scared he’s going to lose his current job for the same reason. About how he’s pushing himself so that Steve doesn’t have to carry the load. The Harrington’s don’t get to know any of that.

Amanda nods and creeps closer to him, finally pulling out a stool and sitting at the breakfast bar with him. 

“This is difficult for us. Steve and...” She gestures loosely at him, and he does his best not to tense up at that. “God I need a drink. Do you want another beer?”

He’s maxed out on his pain meds today, for all the good it did, so he really shouldn’t. Steve is particularly strict about that kind of thing. But Steve’s not here. So he nods and watches Steve’s mom pour herself a large glass of wine before returning with another beer for him. She knocks the whole thing back in under a minute.

“Steven’s my pride and joy. He was just such a gorgeous child. Kind, would scream with laughter, just so much happiness in him.” She plays with the rim of her wine glass, and swipes at the lipstick she’s left behind. “From the moment you find out you’re pregnant you think about the person they’ll grow up to be. You hope you’ll be a good parent, that you’ll do right by them. I had a life planned for Steve, in my head. He would come home with a beautiful girl one day and tell me she was the one. They’d get married, and have babies of their own. We’d have grandchildren to spoil.” Amanda smiles wistfully, watching Steve and his Dad through the kitchen window. Eddie hopes he’s okay, hopes Steve’s doing better than he is, anyway. It feels like there’s cement lining his stomach. 

“Mrs Harrington—”

“No,” she says, harshly. “I’m talking now, and you’re going to listen to everything I have to say.

“I thought, Nancy Wheeler, you know her?” He nods, silently. “Nice girl. He brought her home and I could see it in his eyes, you know? Just this… light. He was happy. I thought she was the one.”

“So did Steve,” he says before he can stop himself.

“When it didn’t work out, I felt sad for him, but my boys a catch. It’s not like he was going to be alone for long. But that spark, it just fizzled out of him. He carried this… I don’t know, sadness. He’d smile, and he’d laugh, but it was always there under the surface. And then he started getting into fights, vicious ones. The Hargrove boy put him in the hospital, did you know that?”

He did know that. Eddie had spent many a night lamenting the fact he’d never get the chance to punch Billy’s smug fucking face. He doesn’t tell Amanda Harrington that, though, just scowls and nods.

She tops her wine up again. Eddie just wishes she’d get to the part where she calls him a dirty queer and cuts him a cheque if he’ll leave Steve. He wonders how many pieces he could tear it into before throwing it all over her stone floor.

“When Steve didn’t get into college, David told him to get a job. We didn’t make him pay rent, but if he wanted money he was going to have to earn it. And he did. He got that stupid job at Starcourt, got up early every day, worked the weekends. We were both so proud of him.

“And then there was the fire…” Her voice shakes, and she looks genuinely upset, and, maybe for the first time today, he feels sorry for Amanda Harrington. “We were in Indy that day, having dinner with friends. We didn’t know what had happened. We got home late and he wasn’t here, but he was eighteen years old, you know? We thought he was out with friends. We weren’t worried.”

She takes a large breath, and let’s it out slowly. “We got a call at three in the morning to tell us our son was in the hospital. And when we saw him…” Her voice catches before she looks up at Eddie. “You’re not a parent, Eddie. So you can’t know what it feels like. You don’t know fear until you nearly lose your child. And we kind of did, a little. He was never the same after that,” she says softly. She gives a sour laugh. “And then it happened again.”

“Spring break,” Eddie says. She nods sadly.

Amanda pauses and swirls what’s left of her wine in its glass. “A few months after the earthquake, or whatever it was, he walked in the door one night and he just… He had that light back in his eyes and suddenly my Steve was home. And I knew he was in love.” She smiles, and Eddie sees Steve in his mother, just how alike they are. “It was like Nancy times a hundred. He was glowing. I was so happy to see him like that. And I asked him ‘When are you bringing this mystery girl home to meet us?’ and he’d be coy, get all shy. I asked him outright if he was in love and he didn’t hesitate, just said yes with a huge smile plastered across his face, and yet he wouldn’t bring her home to us.

“And then one day he sits us down and tells us that this girl who he has fallen so deeply in love with is… is a boy.” She looks accusingly at him, and he refuses to shrink under her glare. “And suddenly everything you thought about your child, everything you had planned for them, it’s gone,” she snaps her fingers, “overnight. Now I’m not worrying about teenage pregnancy, I’m worrying about AIDS—”

“That’s not—”

“No, let me finish! Let me get this out, for Christ’s sake.” She knocks back the last of her wine. “He’s explained, all of that to us. And how you’re being… responsible. But we’re old-fashioned. Traditional. Our son coming home and declaring he’s bi — whatever it is —”

“ — sexual.”

“Whatever it is,” she glares at him, “it’s hard for us. But here’s the thing. I haven’t seen him that happy in so long. Maybe ever. You gave him his light back. You. You with your long hair and your tattoos, and your bad reputation… ” She runs out of steam, and blows out a huge puff of air. “He says you talked him into going to college.”

Eddie nods. “He’s smart,” he says, fiercely proud. “Smarter than people give him credit for.”

“He is. I’m glad someone else sees it.” She gives him a ghost of a smile and he feels wrongfooted all of a sudden, no longer sure what they’re doing. The fight he thought he was gearing up for seemingly off the cards.

“We’re getting there, Eddie. And we’ll keep trying. He loves you. And we love him. You do love him, don’t you?”

Eddie’s throat tightens and he swallows hard. “So much it hurts,” he croaks.

She smiles, a tentative thing. Fragile. “Good. We’re on a journey, David and I. I’m a little further along… but he’s getting there. We’re both getting there. I hope you’ll allow us the time to catch up.”

And what can he say to that? His own father told him he was a dirty little freak and tried to beat the gay out of him. Steve’s parents just want more time. They can give them that. Eddie can give them that.

“If it’s okay with Steve, then it’s okay with me.”

Eddie watches the tension in Amanda’s shoulders melt away, the worried frown smooths. “Good. And… thank you. For your patience. And for looking after him. All I ever wanted was for someone to love him and look after him.”

“I will always love him.” And he means it, knows in his heart that whatever might happen in the future, whatever gets thrown their way, he will always love Steve Harrington “How could I not?” 

Amanda offers a shy smile and Eddie thinks maybe he’s done his job. Maybe, at the very least, she will accept them now, and try not to fight it.

She’s still smiling when she looks at the kitchen counter, at the mess of vegetables in various states of being chopped and washed. “You know what?” She gets up and grabs the vegetables, throwing them in the refrigerator with a slam of the door. She turns back to look at him, hands on hips, and Eddie bites back a smile. “Fuck the salad.” He’s open mouthed as she gestures out to the garden. “Dave doesn’t like it, Steve doesn’t like it and I’m not going to make you choke it down out of politeness.”

Amanda crosses the kitchen to him and offers her arm. “We have steps out there. If you fall Steve will kill me.”

Eddie wonders just what exactly Steve has been telling them, how infirm Steve seems to think he is and he’d be lying if it didn’t rankle him, but at the same time his mom is trying to do something nice. She thinks she’s helping. So he’s going to let her.

They walk out into the sunlight, arm in arm, and he sees Steve laughing with his Dad, they both look relaxed and happy and that’s all Eddie wanted from today. They look up as Amanda and Eddie approach, Steve locking eyes with Eddie, eyebrows raised in a silent question. Eddie smiles and nods and Steve visibly relaxes as he goes back to arguing about the best way to grill a steak.

The rest of the afternoon goes smoothly, and while it’s Steve’s Mom who does all the heavy lifting, his Dad isn’t exactly a silent partner. It feels so normal, family in-jokes and laughter and he can see how much Steve has missed this.

When they leave Amanda hugs him, giving him a warm smile, and David shakes his hand, a little longer and a little softer than the first one.

Steve starts the engine, the radio springs to life, and they head out of the driveway, back to their own home. Steve reaches across and takes Eddie’s hand in his. “Thank you,” he says, glancing away from the road for a second.

Eddie squeezes his hand. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“No, I do. I was a dick. The clothes, your hair… I’m sorry, okay? I was just…”

“Scared,” Eddie finishes for him.

Steve nods. “Scared.”

“They love you, Steve. Whatever happens. They love you, okay?”

Steve sighs, finally unburdened. "I know."

They pull up to a stop light, Tom Petty playing on the radio. Steve runs his hand through his hair, finally relaxed enough to muss it up. “Uh, Dad asked if you’d like to bring Wayne.” Steve glances across at him quickly, and then back at the stop light. “Next time?”

He’s not exactly sure what Wayne would say to an invitation to the Harringtons. But he does know that Wayne thinks the sun shines out of Steve’s ass, and there’s not much that he’d say no to if Steve was the one doing the asking.

“Sure,” Eddie says, and he reaches across to this boy, this man, that he loves so fiercely, and pulls him in for a kiss. “Next time.”

[kingsleywrites]

If I'm Taking Care Of Your Ass Then I Sure As Hell Ain't Doing It Sober.

Revivebur x Las Navadas!Male Reader (Romantic)

Fluff, slight suggestive stuff, no smut

Prompt: Reveivebur comes to Las Navadas hurt, he's already here so why not take pity on the poor man and help him out, not without a couple of drinks first though.

CW/TW: Drinking, mentions of blood, mentions of stitching, smoking, cursing

M/N is also a bartender for Quackity

M/N is used (meaning male name)

S/C is used (meaning skin color)

M/N was sitting in his living room, bored out of his goddamn mind. Normally when he was this bored, he'd break into his liquor cabinet, open a bottle of some kind of liquor or cheap wine, and drink till he was shit faced. And he would, unless he wanted to go to work with the worst hangover known to man. You see, Quackity was oh so kind enough to stick M/N on one of the earlier shifts (early being 12) which didn't sit well with the man who stays up till 3 am and sleeps till 3 pm to go to his more normal shifts at 5 pm.

So he was stuck, he could go for a walk, but that would mean he had to leave his house. He could read a book except that it wasn't good enough. Living in Las Navadas was great, he had a great boss and a nice house and a good paying job but that doesn't mean that the slowly growing city had more to do than gamble and drink, which was fun until it got repetitive.

M/N was on the verge of entering the existential crisis talk until a knock came from his door. Which was definitely new. It probably wouldn't be Quackity, that man just spams your communicator with calls and messages till you reply, and Slime had no reason to be at your house at this hour. So who the hell was bothering your mental turmoil? M/N reluctantly got up to answer the door.

"Okay who are you and why the hell- " M/N looked up at the man standing at his doorstep.

"Wilbur fucking Soot." M/N said through his teeth, he crossed his arms and leaned against his door frame.

"In the flesh, literally considering I'm revived, courtesy of Dream may I add." Wilbur had an shit eating grin on his face as he stared at the male in front of him.

M/N did a small face laugh, "Why the hell are you here?" his demeanor quickly changed back to serious.

"What? Can I not come back and see an old friend?"

"You have to be friends in the first place to do that Wilbur, now tell me what you want or I'll just leave you here."

Wilbur straightened his posture and M/N finally noticed that he was holding his arm. His eye traveled down to his hand, where he saw blood start to drip.

M/N quickly grabbed Wilbur's hand, his eyes widening at the sight of the dripping blood. "Asshole, you're gonna get blood on my front porch!" M/N pulled Wilbur inside, closing the door.

"My, my, M/N if you wanted to hold my hand you should've just asked I would've said yes." Wilbur smirked while M/N rolled his eyes.

"Go sit on the couch and don't get blood anywhere, if you do I'll behead you." M/N let go of his hand and walked into his bathroom to find a first aid kit.

After he grabbed one he set it on the coffee table before walking over to his liquor cabinet.

Wilbur laughed lightly as he watched the male rummage through the various bottles, who turned around with an annoyed glare on his face.

"What are laughing about smart ass?"

"Does Quackity not pay you enough to afford proper rubbing alcohol?"

"No, he pays me plenty." The male grabbed a glass and filled it with a couple cubes of ice. "This is for me."

M/N slowly sipped the liquor as he walked back to the couch, sitting next to Wilbur.

"Take off your jacket so I can see what you did." M/N set the cup down and opened the first aid kid while Wilbur took off his jack and folded it neatly behind him.

M/N looked at his arm, slowly pulling the torn fabric away from the wound. "It doesn't look terrible, maybe a few stitches, but you'll live. Now take off your shirt."

"Don't you think you should ask me out first? It's a little rude to ask me to undress seeing as we haven't spoken in so long." That same smirk dawned Wilbur's face.

"Not like that idiot! I meant it as in, let me see the wound better."

Wilbur chuckled to himself, seemingly pleased with getting a rise out of him and removed his shirt placing it on top of his jacket.

M/N grabbed a few rubbing alcohol pads and started slowly cleaning the wound on Wilbur's arm, taking a "small sip" from the glass on the coffee table. After a few times of getting up to throw away blooded gaze pads and rubbing alcohol pads and filling up his glass on the way, he decided to grab the whole bottle of liquor, as well as a bottle of wine and two glasses. M/N filled up the two glasses handing one to Wilbur.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of being granted the pleasure of drinking with you?"

"Stop speaking so poshly, I get it you're fancy, now shut up while I finish wrapping your arm."

Wilbur backed off the male but kept a smile on his face as he watched him wrap his arm in bandages.

When he was done, M/N snipped off the extra and put it back in the first aid kit. He quickly downed the rest of his wine and went to put the first aid kit away.

When he got back, his body was facing forward and his head was tilted upwards toward the ceiling. "I hate you." M/N mumbled.

"How come? All I did was ask for your help, which you could've denied, might I add." Wilbur's tone was somewhat mocking and he put an arm around M/N, playing with the hair on his head.

"I told myself I wasn't going to drink tonight and look where I'm at."

"Well, it's not like I told you to drink."

"If I'm taking care of your ass I'm sure as hell not doing it sober." M/N turned his head to look at the male beside him, he brought a hand up to his face and began to trace down his jawline, stopping at the corner of his lips. M/N slowly climbed over to Wilbur's lap, neither of them breaking eye contact. Wilbur's arms rested at M/N's waist while M/N's other hand rested in Wilbur's crest feeling the soft skin on his fingertips.

M/N leaned in closer to Wilbur, lips slightly parted as they each waited for the other to make a move.

"You do realize the consequences that this can have if you go through with this." Wilbur's voice was barely above a whisper.

"And what's 'this'" M/N giggled as one of his hands slowly moved to the base of Wilbur's hair, lightly playing with the strands.

"I don't think Quackity will like it very much if you kiss his enemy."

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

The two got even closer, lips brushing against each other.

"You willing to make that bet?" Wilbur's lips curled into a small smile.

"I'll bet everything I got, pretty boy."

Wilbur laughed lightly before pulling M/N in by his waist, kissing his lips. M/N's hands further tangled themselves in Wilbur's hair while Wilbur's hands were untucking M/N's neat dress shirt, almost desperate to feel his S/C skin.

The two broke apart for air, breathing heavily for a moment before Wilbur began kissing down his jaw and neck.

"God I hate you so much." M/N said, half out of breath

Wilbur hummed on his skin, lightly nipping at it before answering the male.

"If you hate me so much then tell me to stop and I will." Wil looked at M/N, still leaving a trail of kisses on his neck, none of them deep enough to create a hickey though, Wilbur was smarter than that.

M/N let out an airy chuckle, pulling at Wilbur's hair. "No, you're too hot to stop."

Wilbur kissed his cheek, looking M/N in the eyes. "And You're too drunk for me to continue."

M/N groaned, tilting head back. "Why must you do this to me?"

Wilbur chuckled, "Maybe another time darling."

M/N got off his lap, stumbling before regaining his balance, but he was still swaying back and forth.

Wilbur went to grab his jumper before M/N put a hand on Wilbur's cheek making him look back at him.

"Please don't leave." He looked at him with pleading eyes that not even Wilbur could say no to.

"Alright, I'll stay." He stood up and gave M/N a quick kiss before picking him up bridal style and then walked down the hall, M/N's arm was stretched out to one of the doors and Wilbur assumed it was his room.

Once Wilbur sat him down on the bed, M/N quickly began to take off the uncomfortable suspenders and dress shirt before laying down and making grabby hands at Wilbur, who laid next to him.

After a few minutes of cuddling, M/N spoke up.

"I hate you so much." He said holding on tighter to Wilbur and burying his face in his chest.

"I love you too darling."

********

Another one in the bags. I got this idea from reading another story on Wattpad, it's called MidNight Walks by mannequins_inafeild, despite only having two chapters I really liked it so I would consider checking it out!

Also who knew writing kissing scenes was so hard? I literally took a break to work on another story (the one that came out before this one actually) because I didn't know where to go or how to do it. I hope it wasn't too awkward. I don't know how many more scenes I'm gonna do like that in the future but give me some feedback, I'd like to hear your thoughts!

Word Count: 1557

[rushingheadlong]

I’ve anonymized this ask because I actually want to talk about this publicly but I want to respect their desire to not have their name attached to this conversation.

(Usual warnings for length, also CW for discussions of homophobia. Because of how this ask was worded we're going to engage with the possibility of Brian being queer, but there are criticisms about some specific ways the fandom discusses that. If any of that sounds upsetting to you, just skip over this post.)

First, a fairly significant correction: I didn’t say that Harold wasn’t the biggest contributor to “Brian staying in the closet” at all. I’m going to talk about that assumption of queerness later, but this is what I actually said in my tags:

#it's really REALLY clear that at the VERY least his upbringing by Harold impeded Brian's ability to fully explore himself #and his identity/attractions/etc. the way he should have been able to #(tho I don't think Harold was the biggest/only contributor to that but. idk.)

Which I think is fairly self-explanatory but, to break it down more simply, based on all the evidence we have of what Harold was like as a person it seems that he was an extremely traditional patriarch who expected Brian to grow up and fulfill the same role within his own family. We know that they had major clashes over this and from interviews we know that Brian struggled with feeling inadequate as a husband and father specifically because he couldn’t step into the patriarchal role that he felt pressured to fill.

From there, I don’t think it’s unfair to extrapolate out and say that an upbringing that pushed that very traditional view of manhood would likely have also included other “traditional” ideas i.e. misogyny, homophobia, etc. The misogyny is easy to confirm, not just through Brian’s earlier songs (like Son and Daughter) but through later comments on his parents’ marriage that revealed specific ways that Ruth May was absolutely subservient to her husband while he was alive.

The homophobia I don’t think can be “confirmed” in the same way, although I do recall once reading an interview with Brian where he admitted to having to let go of homophobic ideas he used to hold in his youth (though I cannot for the life of me find that interview now, so take that with a grain of salt). But regardless of the extent of homophobia, if it was there I again don’t think it’s unfair to say that that would have impeded any potential experimentation with men at least in Brian’s younger years - I mean for one thing, Brian has already specifically said that he declined the advances from men while on tour even though he didn’t decline when propositioned by women.

If you want to theorize that Brian is some form of queer you can look at him turning down offers from men as possibly a sign of internalized homophobia due to his upbringing. It’s possible that even after Brian unlearned those prejudices with regards to other people, that he couldn’t unlearn them with regards to himself. It’s possible that Brian privately acknowledged his queerness, but felt that acting upon it would be somehow a “worse” betrayal of his marriage than cheating with another woman.

However, it’s also possible that there was no internalized homophobia at play at all and that Brian’s actions and comments (or lack thereof) are driven by concerns about the band, with really nothing to do with Harold at all. We already have Freddie saying, on multiple occasions in both the 70s and 80s, that if he were to be more open about his own sexuality that it would ruin Queen forever. If Brian were also queer it would make sense for him to have the same reservations about saying anything, and those reservations could have been enough to make him hesitant to be with another man at all for fear of rumors spreading.

(ETA: Not to mention, the AIDS crisis could have been a deterrent to try anything as well, especially if he hadn't already by then. That wasn't too uncommon among men who lived through that time.)

There’s also the issue that if Brian were queer, any reservations he had about coming out were likely compounded after Freddie’s death, because there’s simply no way to make that announcement now without Freddie’s name being attached to things whether it should be or not. There would be speculation about whether Brian and Freddie were ever more than “just” friends, speculation about the full extent of Brian’s history with men, speculation about the validity of his marriages to Chrissy and Anita, speculation about Roger and John and if they knew or if they were also queer… The tabloids would have a fucking field day with an announcement like that and it would reverberate throughout Brian’s life, impacting not only himself but his closest friends and family, as well as all his relationships suddenly becoming hyper-scrutinized by people intent on “proving” what is “real” or “not real” about any of them.

Even if you want to believe that that wouldn’t happen and people would only react positively to such an announcement, I need you to step back and consider what sort of comments you consider “supportive” and if that’s actually how they would be received. An entire fandom of RPF shippers crying “I told you so!” and descending on his IG to ask invasive questions isn’t supportive. A world that nitpicks identities to make sure that people are using the “right” ones isn’t supportive. A culture where “jokes” about single-gender schools turning people gay are still prevalent isn’t supportive (and when I am still seeing people defend comments about Freddie’s boarding school playing a role in his own identity, you can’t tell me that people wouldn’t make the same jabs about Brian if they got the chance).

I think it’s safe to say that Harold’s view did have an impact on how Brian explored himself and his identity because we already know for a fact that those views deeply impacted the entirety of his first marriage, to the point that Brian has said that he likely wouldn’t have gotten married to Chrissy at all if it wasn’t for pressure from his father.

(ETA: But I don't think you can safely say that Harold was the biggest/only contributor to how Brian explored his own identity when you consider the overall time period we're talking about, and the complications of both the band and Brian's existing marriage. And with regards to his attraction to women specifically, Brian has already made it clear that that was impacted by the lack of socialization with girls at school, not his father.)

But to engage with your question, if Brian is queer I think it’s far more likely that Brian has stayed in the closet due to concerns about the response, to protect the privacy of himself and those closest to him, and out of respect for Freddie’s own legacy, rather than because of specific views of his father, especially since both of his parents have been dead for decades now.

Now, this isn’t what you asked in your question but I do also want to address the phrasing of “Brian staying in the closet” because I think it’s actually rather worrying that that’s what was taken from my tags.

Is it impossible for Brian to be queer? No, of course not, and to be honest if he did ever come out I wouldn’t actually be surprised. However I am begging this fandom on my hands and knees to remember that Brian has said that he’s straight on multiple occasions.

Here’s him calling himself heterosexual in 1993, shortly after Freddie’s death:

And here’s him saying that he’s not attracted to men a decade later in 2003:

There’s nothing wrong with talking what-ifs but you have to keep in mind what Brian has actually said himself. Even more importantly, you absolutely have to be mindful of what you’re using as “evidence” of queerness because, while it doesn't happen all the time, it is very common in this fandom for that sort of speculation to run straight into stereotyping and, by extension, homophobia.

A man will never be queer simply because he wears jewelry/nail polish/women’s clothing/etc., or because he’s friends with other queer men or wrote songs for them, or because he was unhappy in a heterosexual marriage, or because he’s done drag a few times, or because he’s spoken out about queer rights and history, or because his music resonates with queer people today.

These are all reasons I’ve seen given for why Brian “has” to be queer… but why? Why do you think that wearing things typically worn by women makes a man queer? Why are you so quick to disregard the existence of any femininity in straight cis men? Why do you think that people can’t support the queer community unless they’re queer themselves? Why do you think that your feelings about Brian’s music are any indication of what he actually meant, when it's incredibly common for people to attribute meanings to songs contrary to what the artist intended?

I don’t think that most people who point to these sorts of things as “evidence” of queerness are being consciously, maliciously homophobic but it absolutely is homophobic to reduce these traits down to one-dimensional stereotypes in order to argue that because Brian does XYZ that means he must be queer. I mean, do I really have to break down why it’s problematic to enforce binary gender norms by saying that Brian wearing necklaces is proof of queerness, as if straight men are somehow physically impossible of also wearing necklaces?

There are absolutely more respectful ways to talk about "evidence" of queerness and the OP mentioned in this ask is a great example of that, by using direct words Brian has said specifically about his sexuality, attraction, and relationships to make their point rather than relying on stereotypes about looks or behaviors.

Because if you're going to have these conversations, you have to acknowledge what Brian has actually said. That includes his comments about heterosexuality and attraction to women and, furthermore, acknowledging those comments is not the same as denying any possibility that he's queer.

Brian is an English baby boomer and you cannot separate that from these sorts of discussions. It’s very common for people of his generation to have ideas and identities that are directly at odds with the philosophies of younger generations, and pretending otherwise - or condemning those things for being “wrong” - requires you to completely ignore and rewrite actual queer history in order to do so.

If you look at how people have identified throughout the 20th and 21st centuries, you’ll find a ton of examples of people proudly using seemingly “wrong” labels for themselves. Tom Robinson, author of the song “Glad to Be Gay”, continued to identify specifically as a gay man for years after marrying a woman. Phill Jupitus, a former stand-up comedian, once had an entire 20-minute podcast where he talked about his past sexual encounters with and continuing attractions towards men while identifying the entire time as a straight man and not bisexual. Hell my best friend for over a decade is a queer man married to a woman who still identifies as a lesbian for deeply personal reasons that are unlikely to ever change.

As a queer man myself, I would love to see discussions about this that acknowledge that kind of nuance. I would love to see people approach this conversation by asking why Brian identifies as straight instead of just looking for proof that he’s lying about his identity.

Because if you want to talk about the possibility of Brian being queer, what does it then mean that he chooses to publicly identify as straight instead? Does he claim that label because he doesn’t identify with queerness at all, because he feels obligated to because of his relationships with women, or because he feels those relationships are more representative of who he is?

What does it say about the dynamics among Queen if the others always assumed something, but never said? Or if Brian only told Roger and John after the fact in the 90s? Or if Brian made the choice to never say anything to them either? Disregarding shipping entirely, what would it say about Brian’s friendship with Freddie if he knew the singer was gay but never shared a hint of his own queerness in return?

What does it say - about Brian, the band, the fandom, society - if Brian is indeed making a conscious choice to hide any attraction to men? And we do need to include the fandom here, because while it’s tempting to assume that nothing we do makes it way back to the band that’s really not the case at all. The official Queen discord server has had to make multiple statements not to post about shipping etc. and there were innumerable comments on Brian’s own IG page post-borhap accusing him and Roger of homophobia because of the movie. Discussions of Brian’s relationship to queerness have already reached his sphere of influence, whether we wanted it to or not.

We’re in a time where the prevalence of social media is wearing down the concept of personal privacy and making people feel entitled to information about celebrities that’s none of their business at all. We’ve seen this with Kit Connor being forced to come out after Heartstopper due to accusations of "queerbaiting" and F1nnster delaying coming out due to fears of backlash from not using the “right” label. Or if you want an example from an older generation, when Con O’Neill came out he said he was doing so because he felt ready but there is still rampant speculation in the fandom that part of his reasoning was in response to the queerphobia being leveled at Izzy Hands fans.

Let me repeat that: a queer man explicitly said he was coming out because he felt personally ready to do so, and a wide swath of fans have already made it about themselves and their fandom experiences.

These celebrities are far from being isolated cases. There are countless others who have been forced into making deeply personal decisions based not on what feels right to them, but what will appease the crowds of strangers who watch and follow them.

So, since the original question was about that post on Harold, let's bring it back to that point with one final question from myself:

If Brian is in fact queer, do you think that his long-dead father is really the biggest reason that a world-famous multi-millionaire twice-knighted astrophysicist rockstar may still be choosing to stay in the closet after all this time?

One final note that anyone who engages with this post in bad-faith is being blocked. I have neither the desire nor spoons to argue with anyone who insists that this fandom isn't homophobic or that their homophobia is somehow different because they mean well by it.

[blazingstar29]

Top Gun and War

I just wanted to touch on something in the Top Gun fandom quickly.

CW: Discussion of WW2, Holocaust/Shoah, the Cold War, Vietnam War. Mentions of the AID's cris and WW2 related generational trauma

Preface/disclaimer: I'm no historian. I have studied 21st century history from causes of ww1, causes of ww2 and politics, up to the causes and consequences of Vietnam and American politics in the 60's. I am not an expert. However, I care about history/historical accuracy and have found this century to be of particular interest despite the horrifics that occured. (Any jokes about 'why do you like ww2' are not invited. What happened is real and it still hurts people.) I also say 'we', this is because I'm not targeting any specific person or fandom trope/trend. We includes me. But I also know people are writing these topics so please know i’m not pointing fingers saying that no one is doing this.

Some quick numbers.

Top Gun is set in 1986. Forty one years after World War 2 ended, twenty one years since the Vietnam War ended and the closing act of the Cold War. These are not entire life times. Even today, this is very recent history. Older family members, teachers, professors, bosses remember this time. I own a protect and survive pamphlet from the 70's that has remained in my family. It has only traveled one generation since it was distributed.

Maverick's family history with Vietnam is covered - to an extent. We as writers tend to look at his father, and rightfully so, his father is a massive part of his characters motivations.

But I believe we need to be more conscious of the era in which we right in. I am not saying you need to become a historical expert and make politics a central part of your story. But maybe we need to be aware of it. Even within yourself, even if the fic has nothing to do with politics and it's icemav rawdogging it in the locker rooms. Even if we acknowledge it and don't write about it, I just feel that we need to do that at the very least.

The character that's most obvious when it comes to this, is Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky. It's not rare to see the Jewish Tom 'Iceman' Kazansky tag, or to see him written with immigrant grandparents or great grandparents. He was born 14/15 years after WW2. That is no time at all. Do you look back remember how young you were at 14/15? That's how little time has passed. I cannot even begin to express how pain like that doesn't go away within a decade and a half, and how it affects multiple generations. But that is a topic where my voice is not the one to amplify. Please listen to Jewish voices.

This isn't even accounting for what it was like living post Vietnam and the Cold War. I know someone who grew up horses riding across Salisbury Plain in the UK and had Hercule's planes flying over and military drills. It was still real. This is still recent and in effect during the events of Top Gun.

I know that queer issues and the AIDS crisis are frequent fic topics because it is occuring at the time. And of course these topics deserve to be represented. I am not for one second saying that one issue must be diminished in order to amplify another. As a queer person I know it's also easy to write about them. It's where I'm comfortable because I'm more knowledgeable. Writing things we don't know about is intimidating. I'm drafting an icemav fic where Ice is Jewish and which more significance to the fic than what i've ever written before and it is intimidating because I'm scared of doing it wrong. But so long as I educate myself and discuss the fic with Jewish people who are willing to have that conversation, I can try and do the right thing in my writing.

Write what you wish, it's not for me to say what that is. Every fic is a gift to read and we have the choice to read what we like and the topics we like in such a big fandom. But after reading a phenomenal fic I became aware that I don't really see how the characters, particular Jewish characters like Iceman are affected by the post war era they live in. I am guilty of this. I have written 97 top gun fics and not once have I addressed the global political climate of the 1980's in any real depth.

These topics are hard to write responsibly and tactfully as well as with your own emotional capacity. I'm not trying to guilt anyone for not writing fics about war and politics. Writing is an escape and I don't want to change that for anyone. I am in a privileged position that I do have the mental capacity every so often to think about the harder topics when I write. I love history and studying it, but there are topics I can't wrap my head around, so I do understand when things don't make sense in your head.

You don't have to write it. But let's be aware of it. Let's talk about. Even the smallest of references to a Cold War conflict or post WW2 can add valuable context. Just some food for thought ig, i hope i'm not saying anything outrageous or offensive.

Amplify minority voices, listen, respect, reflect.

[weirdcat1213]

Conventional weapons and queer acceptance

I'm going through it rn so here's a really long post on a queer interpretation of Conventional Weapons.

Notes:

-Yes, I will talk about every song. No song is safe from me.

-No, I don't think it is the only/correct interpretation but its one that I've been thinking about for ages so leave me alone :D

-I know these songs were recorded separately and they don't have a linear story (like revenge or tbp) but for the sake of angst, I will treat the whole album as a queer journey where the speaker is the main character, also I will use they/them for them because the album itself talks a lot about gender.

-"Some of these are more about the system and protests rather than queerness" guess what? those go hand in hand even though it's 2023, life sucks.

-I will use "queer" instead of LGBTQ+. That debate does not belong here but I'm just giving a heads up.

TW: homophobia, transphobia, conversion therapy, unhealthy coping mechanisms (?), aids crisis, society just being shitty in general

Let's start :3

Album context: CW is not a concept album (sadly). The band had ideas for these songs since their TBP tour and didn't think it was fit for Danger Days so they only released them because Frank thought they were cool (bless his soul he was so right). Therefore, these songs' messages/perspectives/feelings may vary.

Boy Division:

*The first two songs have a handgun on the cover. This weapon is a small and distant weapon, portraying the distance the speaker wants to have with queerness since they're still in the closet*

From a queer perspective, this song is about the speaker's closeted life as a queer person. The song asks people close to him how would they react if they were to find out about they are queer. The speaker already knows the answer, people would be disgusted and reject them entirely, making the speaker mad. It can be assumed the speaker is at their last straw here and leave their home behind to live their truth.

"If all my enemies

Threw a party, would you light the candles?

Would you drink the wine while watchin' television?

Watch the animals and all the tragedies

And sell your arteries to buy my casket gown"

Enemies in this context are homophobic/transphobic people. If the speaker admitted to being queer, would their loved ones pretend the speaker is "dead"? Would they side with the homophobic/transphobic people?

"Well, it better be black and it better be tight

And it better be just my size

I'm stalkin' these metro malls and airport halls

And all these schoolgirls"

This may be a reference to the kind of stereotypes the speaker's loved ones believe about queer people. About how they stalk people in public and "try to convert minors"

"I'm not askin', you're not tellin'

He's not dead, he only looks that way"

The speaker not asking anymore if the people they know support queer people/if they would support them. The part about "him" not being dead could be how their relatives see the situation from the outside. The speaker is apathetic because of their situation but no one knows.

"Out nowhere, take me out there

Far away and save me from my

Self-destruction, hopeless for you

Sing a song for California"

They're in the middle of nowhere, and they wish to be in a more accepted place, putting California as an example (is this true? idk I don't live there)

"I bought my enemies

Rope to hang me and the knives to gang me

You can watch them stab me on your television

Stomp the halls, because the bathroom walls

Would have a lot to say

About the lines you're puttin' down"

This is the speaker's way to say he is one of the queers their loved ones hate so much. The speaker "bought" the rope by admitting their queerness and they might as well be the ones on the TV getting ganged up on because of their identity. When they mention the bathroom it could be a reference to how there are worst things happening that transphobic gatekeeping bathrooms, such as people doing drugs.

"Well, it better be white and better be cut

And better be just my size

Until my capillaries burst of boredom

I'll be waitin"

Instead of funeral attire, now they want to use wedding attire because they feel alive by coming out, hence the white. If we assume they were rejected by their loved ones, the speaker will wait for them to come around until they get bored. The speaker's capillaries are a symbol of their patience.

"I'm not laughin', you're not jokin'

I'm not dead, I only dress that way"

The speaker dresses as if they're dead not only because they could be at any time due to harassment but also because they feel dead being in a place they can't be themselves. It could also be a reference to gender expression and the speaker experimenting for the first time.

"'Cause we got the bomb, we got the bomb, let's go!

We got the bomb, we got the bomb, let's go!"

This could mean queer people (we) are fighting back society (the bomb) and the speaker feels inspired.

"Say a prayer for California"

A prayer for California so it can stay as a place the speaker can run to and be free.

Tomorrows Money:

This one is about the speaker's views about capitalism and taking a stand as an activist against corporations and rainbow capitalism. The speaker knows queer people aren't welcome and yet they're still used for profit, however, we could say the song's pov is from the speaker and the corporations. The song also makes an argument about how capitalism actively makes queer people's lives even more difficult.

"You fell in love with a vampire

Do you wanna get it for free

In this song, vampires are associated with queer people and their experiences (just like many movies about vampires and other monsters have done in history). Getting one for free would be to get to live the experience of a queer person instead of seeing it externally (in a movie, show, book, etc)

"Then say hello to the brush fire, baby

You gotta take it from me, I’m gonna take it from you

Say hello to the good times

And burning up in the sun"

According to corporations, the speaker can live out as a queer person, but they will have to face conflict against capitalism, a model that is mostly known for taking things away from people.

They’re sitting back on an empire

While the world lays back, puts a kid behind that gun

This is the speaker's view about capitalism and the world. Corporations and their owners are living comfortably while they leave the most vulnerable minorities to deal with the dirty work.

"If we crash this time

They got machines to keep us alive

When the mixtape plays

Choke down the words with no meaning"

This refers to how queer people can't seem to escape capitalism. If they get hurt while protesting or get sick, they will still need to get (most of the time in most places at least) private health insurance to get good medical attention. When talking about the mixtape, it can also be referring to the multiple products corporations do for queer people (see the "pride merch" on june). But when you analyze the final products, it is clear that it lacks meaning and it was only made for profit.

"I stopped bleeding three years ago

While you keep screaming for revolution

Me and my surgeons and my street-walking friends

We got no heroes, 'cause our heroes are dead"

Here the speaker is personally calling out corporations for their meaningless support. While they and other people have been protesting and taking care of themselves within their community, corporations keep shouting out their outdated "love is love" slogan and keep repeating their empty promises about equality. The speaker, the "surgeons" (people who focus and live to take care of the queer community as volunteers/nonprofit organizations), and more activists keep protesting for a better future but also for the people who came before them and died for the cause (for example multiple people during the aids crisis)

"Say hello to the program

We’re gonna give it for free

Hook up the veins to the antibodies

Got it with the disease, we’re gonna give it to you"

This verse could be considered queer representation in media and how it helps queer people even if it ends up being queerbating. Corporations give queer people the content and even if there are no official queer people in it, subtext and further readings into the media help people to see themselves in the story and/or characters, they work as antibodies against society.

"Say goodbye to the good times

You’re loaded up with the fame

You’re dressing up like a virus

But the words get lost when we all look the same"

The most popular and famous logo (and stand) corporations take in pride month is the rainbow. They don't specify anything and just keep it open to appeal to most people as possible. Although queer people have taken the rainbow as a general symbol for everyone when corporations use it is because there is no interest in other people who aren't the "classic" cisgender white gay male, there's no meaning on their rainbow. All the rainbow logos in June end up looking like a virus taking over for a month rather than support.

"You fell in love with a vampire, torch up for the empire

Say hello to the brush fire, the microphone's got a tap wire

You fell in love with a vampire, torch up for the empire

Say hello to the brush fire, the microphone's got a tap wire!"

In this verse, the speaker is possibly talking to a multitude. They make a reference to the vampire analogy but also says that if they want to live free queer people need to get rid of the corporations. No matter how many problems they face they have to be careful since they're still under capitalism and being watched.

"Because rebellion's not a T-shirt you sell

You keep your money, and I’ll see you in hell"

Many queer people have that reaction when companies don't support queer people's rights but sell queer products on pride month. The speaker rejects rainbow capitalism and will see the company in hell since, according to religious fanatics, that's where queer people are going.

*I find this topic (capitalism vs the queers) really interesting but I honestly don't know much about it but this is a cool video I recommend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xQVFYWvd3o&t=1449s)

Ambulance:

*The second disc has a picture of a small knife, a weapon of short range that requires the user to get really closer to the opponent. This represents the speaker's change from their involvement with the queer community; they went from keeping their distance to putting themselves out there as an activist*

Ambulance, under a queer context, is about the queer community and the love the speaker has for them since they have helped after they cut ties with their family in "Boy Division."

You don’t know a thing about this life, and we are up for

Everything it takes to prove we’re not the same as them

The speaker could be talking to someone new when it comes to activism. They want to motivate the new recruit but also be honest about what is like to constantly be on the line. The queer community will never be like the people who can easily thrive in a heteronormative society because the queer community looks out for every minority (let's ignore dumb organizations like lgb for this, they suck)

"And we will wear our masks again, out after dark

'Cause we are up for everything it takes

and we are not the same

'Cause we are not afraid

And we are not ashamed"

This part is about how they protect themselves while defending themselves and how they are not ashamed of fighting for what's right publicly.

"And if you save my life, I’ll be the one who drives

You home tonight

And if I ever let you down, I’ll be the one who drives

You home tonight"

One of the things that the speaker appreciates most about the queer community is how they take care of each other. If one of them gets hurt, they will help each other. No matter what happens everyone looks out for everyone.

"Remember once, you walked this kind of life quietly, I’ll sleep

Behind the wheel, and passing every face you see the first time

Singing every piece as you walk by proving that with

All of my mistakes, that we are not the same"

The speaker is comparing themselves to other people in their group who have been in their position but also have had a completely different experience. Other people may have cope in healthier ways than the speaker, which makes them feel kind of guilty.

"'Cause we are not the same

And we are all to blame"

When it comes to protesting or activism is it always is the activists' fault if something bad happens. According to conservatives if anything goes south (police brutality, hate crimes, etc) is the queer people's fault for not being closeted, for "indoctrinating people".

"'Cause you don’t know a thing about me

, you don’t know a thing"

This is from the speaker to the people who have helped them in their life. They don't know who they were before but the community still took them in as family.

Gun:

Honestly, there's not much that this brilliant thread hasn't already said. La (the twitter user) suggests that "the song's main theme is obviously a young person entering the military, which is known for having a strict structure and very precise rules to follow and roles to fill. in this case, I believe the military could represent the cis, heteronormative society"

See the rest of the thread here :D

https://twitter.com/zhongmcr/status/1560384799101124614?t=emxookpnkny0c5iYV4fmdw&s=19

Please read it and send @/zhongmcr some love for it.

The World is Ugly:

*The machine guns reflect more intensity as an attack. The speaker is going deeper in being vocal about the queer community on this disc.*

The world is ugly is, of course, a romantic song. When analyzing it through queer lenses, however, it can be about the speaker getting strong feelings for someone but still being afraid of confessing their feelings, even if the other person is also queer, because are traumatized by past experiences while in the closet.

"These are the eyes and the lies of the taken These are their hearts But their hearts don't beat like ours They burn 'cause they are all afraid"

The speaker usually gets that feeling of "them against the world", but it is different with the person they are interested in. The speaker feels they have a connection and they are together while being against the world.

"For every one of us There's an army of them But you'll never fight alone 'Cause I wanted you to know"

Conservative people are "afraid" of queer people and it has made their lives difficult but when they're together it doesn't matter.

"That the world is ugly But you’re beautiful to me Well are you thinking of me now?"

The heteronormative society is a pain for the speaker and the love interest but the speaker wants to make clear that their love interest is beautiful no matter what society says.

"These are the nights And the lights that we fade in These are the words But the words aren't coming out

They burn 'cause they are hard to say"

This part is more personal for the speaker. They reminisce on all the nights they have spent with their love interest and how on those they have tried to tell how they feel, but the speaker cannot say it out loud.

"For every failing sun, there's a morning after Though, I'm empty when you go I just wanted you to know"

The speaker comforts themselves with the fact that they can try the next day, but at the same time, they keep living with the pain of their love interest not knowing.

"That the world is ugly But you're beautiful to me Are you thinking of me Like I'm thinking of you?"

The speaker wonders if their love interest thinks about them the same way or if they have another kind of relationship.

"I would say I'm sorry, though Though, I really need to go I just wanted you to know

I wanted you to know I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you Every night, every day"

In this verse, the speaker implies they usually focus on activism and things that will help their community rather than their own feelings. They have to go and keep helping others but still wants to let their feelings come across.

"These are the lies And the lives of the taken These are their hearts But their hearts don't beat like ours They burn 'cause they are all afraid But mine beats twice as hard"

Because the speaker is really focused on others but also wants to be with their love interest, they are passionate about 2 things.

"Stop your crying, helpless feeling Dry your eyes and start believing There's one thing They’ll never take from you"

The speaker goes back to their "mentor mode" and inspires their love interest to believe in a better future. However, they also reference how the world can never take their love interest's beauty away.

"One day, like this We'll never be the same Never, forever Like ghosts in the snow Like ghosts in the sun"

This is the speaker dreaming of what their life could be only with their love interest. They would just be people exploring the world.

The Light Behind Your Eyes:

This song is about a guide saying goodbye to people or a person whom they have helped in the past. Under a queer interpretation, it could be from the point of view of an elder queer passing away who was really important to the speaker.

"So long to all my friends Every one of them met tragic ends With every passing day I'd be lying if I didn't say That I miss them all tonight"

The elder queer is possibly passing away and is thinking about the friends they got to make within the community. By saying their friends met tragic ends it could refer to the aids crisis or hate crimes.

"And if they only knew what I would say If I could be with you tonight I would sing you to sleep Never let them take the light behind your eyes"

Just like the elder queer, their friends used to help people in the community, and they would approve the last reassuring words of the elder. The elder wishes they would be alive and well to see a better future but for now, they can only hope people stop harming queer people.

"As we fade in the dark Just remember you will always burn as bright"

The older queer people may have passed away but they want the younger generations to have a good life.

"Be strong and hold my hand Time, it comes for us, you'll understand We'll say goodbye today And I'm sorry how it ends this way If you promise not to cry Then I'll tell you just what I would say"

This shows the elder was really appreciated in the community since they have people with them in their final moments. They wish they would not be leaving that way (probable aids) but they still think younger generations need to learn about the problem and be strong enough to face it.

"I'll fail and lose this fight"

The elder already knows their own fate.

"Sometimes we must grow stronger And you can't be stronger when I'm gone When I'm here, no longer You must be stronger and"

The elder knows it will be hard for future generations who still feel like they need guidance to survive, but they hope the people they leave behind get stronger.

"I failed and lost this fight"

The elder queer couldn't avoid their future, as if from the beginning, it was meant to happen.

When the outro keeps repeating it could reflect how those are actually the last words (or at least sentiment) of the elder, and it will stay present in the community for a long time.

Kiss the Ring:

*This disc has two axes on the cover. Additionally, from here on out there are 2 weapons on the covers, which means the speaker is not alone anymore, but with someone who shares their "them against the world" feeling.*

Kiss the Ring is another song about the speaker's feelings against the system. However, this one and the next song in the disc have more rage on them. The speaker starts to lash out at authority and politicians who keep failing queer people.

"We kill the girls to get paid And put the whole damn room on the edge of the blade You'll get far, stay clean"

The speaker is mocking society's standards for people. They set dangerous beauty stereotypes only to get women to buy their products, reject measures that could help queer people (hormone treatment, counseling, etc) even if they know people could die because of the lack of it, and attribute failure to substances such as alcohol and drugs. Some queer people will turn to those substances because of the lack of support because society keeps making it hard to live, but big institutions don't care.

"And if the world stops believing, I'll keep believing

That the world could make a change (All I know is I won't stop believing) And put the suicide dolls as the last ones to mate (All I know is I won't stop believing)"

Although the speaker still has faith in a better future, they are angry about society putting queer people in a complicated position. Queer people create their own communities because they are pushed by the people who refuse to let them live. They insult and make everything more complicated up to the point of giving queer people trauma and mental health issues. The queer people affected by this are the only ones left to help themselves and others. Queer people are left at the back where they find each other.

"Come hard, stay clean (You're the next if you don't stop your creeping) And singing songs for the damned now (You're the next if you)"

The line on the back "You're the next if you don't stop your creeping" could be the authority's opinion about queer people: you will get in trouble if you are out/"explicit". Additionally, the songs for the damned could be a metaphor for people who think praying/conversion therapy will work as a "cure" for queerness.

"Hail! Hail! 'Cause the king is gone And if you don't stop believing, we'll keep believing"

This part could mean how conservatives celebrate when something bad happens to a politician or anyone famous who is in favor of queer rights. They tend to believe that there is a leader (like the people who believe there is an ANTIFA leader), but queer people will keep protesting and believing in a better life for everyone.

"You put the record on And live the life that you're making, shots that you're taking"

"So grab the cash and run And let the suits watch each other kill one another"

This is the speaker starts to get reckless. For them, it has become a matter of taking back at society. They want to live their life the best as they can, so they let themselves enjoy music, drink, and commit crimes since they will end up in trouble anyway for being queer. They steal money because they need it but also to get a sense of power over their life. The "suits" in this case would be politicians, the ones who say they want to help queer people against the ones who want them dead. Even if someone is fighting the good fight the speaker doesn't care for them anymore.

It doesn't matter if the words don't mean a thing You gotta kiss that ring"

The words could be the empty promises some politicians do to queer people. Many of them beg them to vote to protect their rights only to back off when it really matters. Kissing the ring means the absurdity of respecting people, authority figures, and institutions (the government) who don't want to be held accountable for queer people's rights.

"Move like the wolves, keep the faith There ain't a dry eye left in the back of the place Is it hard to stay clean?"

The speaker warns their community about the government since politicians don't have empathy for them (dry eyes)

"And if you all keep believing, I'll keep believing That the world drives the saints (All I know is I won't stop believing) And put the shotgun shells in the hills it makes (All I know is I won't stop believing)"

In this verse, the speaker mocks how authority loves to praise "pacific protests" but will still kill them. Most of the time when queer people organize a pacific gathering, they are met with violent repression.

"So come hard, stay clean (You're the next if you don't stop your creeping) Because they don't give a damn, now (You're the next if you)"

The speaker believes after so many failures that no politician cares for queer people.

"You got your leather on And live the life that you're making, shots that you're taking"

This could be referring to what kind of clothing queer people "tend" to wear. The idea is to just wear whatever you want and live your life.

"Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is gone Hail, hail 'cause the king is, the king is gone

Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail! Hail!"

Queer people celebrate a supposed leader that never existed because it is not about leaders, but the community.

"Fist up, head down Hail, hail to the king"

In this verse since the king is not "gone" it could mean the community is celebrating itself. They will keep fighting even if there's the risk of something bad happening, which is why they put their head down as a sign of being prepared for the worst.

Make Room:

Make Room is mainly the speaker setting the people who do not accept queer people or pretend to be allies as zombies. Queer people are most of the time used for gossip, instead of being treated as real people. The people who only care about gossip and getting to know who came out just to be disrespectful about it are people who do not have reasoning skills, making them zombies.

"Make room! Make room! Down on the coffin,​ there's a coffin or two Dead chic, so cool The cannibals are starving when they're looking at you"

This verse is about how dead queer people are seen just as numbers. The cisgender straight people's main concern most of the time is the funeral (what will people say, how to present the dead queer person etc), reflected on the line about the coffins. The dead girl represents dead queer people who attracted attention, making the zombies (society) wild to get the news and learn about everything that went wrong. They just want the gossip.

"Tank tops, jet stream Karate lessons with a killing machine White lines, nose bleeds I know you get excited when the cameras go Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta"

The speaker refers here to the kind of people who talk and treat queer people as means for gossip. They can be relaxed in their summer clothes with their private jets and do questionable things (drugs as mentioned with "white lines"), people with privilege. They get excited when a famous person reveals themselves to be queer and are able to get every single detail, however, they don't know (or don't care) that the spotlight can be stressful and harmful for famous queer people who come out. This is reflected by the "ratatata" the cameras make.

"Me and you, and all of this living dead Burning up in the sun, where the bodies add Sitting here with you, in misery Anybody gonna come and rescue me? La la la"

Here the speaker is talking with another queer person about how stressful people can be. They have to endure their questions and actions but even if they are miserable, they are together. The speaker's petition for someone to rescue them is mocking how some people "became" queer because the community pressured them into being queer.

"Make room! Make room! One day, you're gonna have explaining to do

Drag star, so cool There's only room for one man and the one is you, you, you"

This verse is just multiple wrong arguments that people make about queer people. A popular argument that homophobic/transphobic people use against queer people is how are they "going to explain" their identity or sexuality to others such as kids, elders, etc. Those kinds of people also have problems with drag artists. They may say they are letting drag artists live their lives, but they pressure them and their gender expression, reminding drag artists they are men and have to act like it. This argument is not only wrong because not all drag queens identify as men, but also does not consider drag kings.

"Got a taste for the cash and androgyny Anybody wanna come and rescue me?"

Androgyny is considered the combination of man and woman. This combination seems fashionable for multiple people and companies have decided to adopt it for profit. If it looks pretty it will sell. Multiple companies will present an androgynous person/model and show it off as their "queer representation".

"Well alright, well alright She's alright Everybody in the room is alright"

This could be a reference to the dead girl first mentioned in the song. Most people just want to pretend nothing bad is happening and that queer people are okay if comparing these times to years ago.

"Everybody wants to change the world Everybody wants to change the world But no one, no one wants to die!"

"We are never gonna change the world We are never gonna change the world 'Cause we are never gonna die!"

I see this as what the speaker thinks about activism after being vocal about queer issues during the whole album. They know protesting and being an activist is important for the queer community, and if they want society to change there will be sacrifices that no one wants to do. However, they also want to be happy and have a life of their own with the person they like. Maybe the change will be delayed and they will keep fighting for it, but not to the point of putting their happiness on the line anymore.

Surrender the Night:

*These last two songs have grenades on the cover because these ones are the tipping point for the speaker. They are done hiding their emotions and will explode at any second. It's a more aggressive weapon than the rest. The songs still talk about how society sucks for queer people, but the main focus for the speaker is the person they like and showing their feelings.*

Surrender the Night is a continuation (kind of) of The World is Ugly. If on The World is Ugly the speaker was afraid of confessing their feelings, on Surrender the Night they decide to be selfish and take control of the situation, take control of what makes them happy for once.

Everyone's a passenger, tonight Just another accidental on the freeway of this life

This night is important for the speaker, anything else doesn't matter.

We'll drive on and on and on and on We'll drive on and on And I'll remember this night when you're gone

The speaker and the love interest will leave everything behind, and the speaker wants their love interest to remember that night forever.

You surrender your heart I surrender every dream

Every weapon you've got Every secret that I keep

This is a deal the speaker proposes as a way to confess their feelings. If their love interest accepts being with them, nothing else will matter to the speaker. They will protect the love interest and will be completely honest with them.

You can fight this, all you want But tonight belongs to...

The love interest can fairly reject the speaker, but just for that one night, they will have to listen to what the speaker has to say.

Just another surgery, tonight Well, if you amputate the loneliness Anesthesia dims the lights

This is the speaker's opinion about their love interest. They are a complicated person who ignores their own problems by distracting themselves as if they wanted to disassociate from life and the pain. The speaker tells them they can do that, they can ignore their problems but by rejecting their emotions, they will also miss the good moments.

So dream on and on and on and on So dream on and on And I'll remember your eyes when you're gone

In this verse, the speaker encourages their love interest to follow their dreams instead of disassociating from life, and even if they don't end up together the speaker will remember them.

And I'll watch you in your sleep 'Cause tonight belongs to me You can fight this, all you want But tonight belongs to

The speaker will watch the other person sleep as a way to protect them and make sure they don't run away.

Sparks against the railing Distant phantoms wailing Through the windshield, sailing With these airbags failing

Here, the speaker is honest about how their lives will be if they're together. There will be chaos, people will talk, and they won't be able to control some situations.

But tonight belongs to me But tonight belongs to me But tonight belongs to me

The speaker reassures this to their love interest, expecting an answer.

Burn Bright:

And finally, we get to talk about my baby, the creme of the gays. This song in general is about finally accepting who you are, living as you want, and loving whoever you want; even if you know people are against it. If following the story from the previous song, this song is where they get together with their love interest and start a relationship. The speaker knows it won't be easy but they don't care.

So give me all you've got

I can take it

We walked alone in your city lights

Did you make it?

We lit the fire and it's burning bright

Did you take it?

Kissed all the boys in your city lights

Did you make it?

Left all the stars in your city nights

Can you fake it?

I lost my way in your city lights

Glad you made it

We stole the fire

And it's burning bright

Fire/stars/light is represented as strength the queer person has found in their identity, and it burns so brightly at the end of the album that they won't hide it anymore. Now that they have met another queer person and they are both out, the speaker trusts that it is possible to live as who you truly are, and they are not willing to hide anymore.

Not ashamed of what I am

I took the pills

For these empty nights

'Cause it makes me who I am

The speaker is not ashamed anymore of being queer but they still remember how it felt. How they had to cope with unhealthy copy because of the suffering of being against the world.

"They always told me that

"You never get to heaven"

With a love like yours

Well if you're lost little boy

The cameras pull you right back down, yeah"

Social/ expectations opinions are a heavy theme in the album, and it continues in the last song. It is not uncommon that society to treat queer people as little kids who don't know what they want or at least "should" want. Society will tell queer people that the way they want to love and/or exist is wrong. If a person dares to do something not straight or gender not conforming, society is there, like cameras, to judge that vulnerable moment and show it as a mistake. The speaker reflects on religion telling others "you won't get to heaven based on the things that you do" because people still use religion to discriminate against queer people.

"It's like a chemical burn

I'm peeling off your skin, yeah

And when you see your face

Well you'll never be the same again, yeah"

Queer people have to hear bad news, insults, misinformation, etc. every day. It takes a great toll mentally that can make people and that can be manifested physically, to the point that it hurts and/or to the point that people start noticing. Sadly, it's a kind of pain queer people have to live with for now until who knows when.

"Cause if you just stop breathing

I'll stop, stop my heart

I'll stop breathing too

[...]

Not ashamed of what I am

I'd trade the world for your city nights

'Cause it makes me who I am"

Queer people rely on each other, and the speaker relies on their significant other. The speaker would give up everything for the experiences they will get to share together.

"And though I missed the chance for this

I confess that I can't wait

Until it's gone

No I mean this every single day

Don't go if you got more to say

'Cause the world don't need

Another hopeless cause"

The speaker makes a small confession here. They are tired of society, of hiding, of fighting. They want the whole world to disappear just so they can be happy. They don't want to be part of "the fight" to make things better but they don't have any other choice. For them, the world cannot afford people doing nothing.

"Though it makes me who I am

'Cause it makes me who I am

And you made me who I am

And you made me who I am

Be afraid of what I am"

Although the speaker is done with people who don't do anything to fight against a society that doesn't accept them, they recognize that's who they were for so long. But now their significant other gives them the strength to leave all doubts and fear behind. The speaker is warning the world to be afraid of them because they are done being afraid of the world.

"We walked around in your city lights

'Cause it makes me who I am

I burned it all but im doing fine

'Cause I'll never fade away

If I steal the fire from your city nights

'Cause it makes me who I am

Who I am"

The speaker borrows strength from their significant other to go against the world, and in doing so they burn (jeje) relationships with other people, but they are okay with it. They will survive now that they are strong enough to stand up for themselves.

Conventional weapons sets someone in multiple stages of queer life and use weapons to portray life as a war with oneself, expectations, and society.

FIN

tldr: cw is gay af argue with the wall

[carolmunson]

starting from zero, got nothing to lose (III)

part i part ii part iii a lil' sweet, a lil' sour -- but this chapter is sweet (and super soft) . the next one is sour (and sassy) we learn a little about where eddie is living, his favorite roommate, and a lil more about our bar gang.

power outage reference is to the big power outage that happened in the bronx december 30th, 1989. if you want to know more you can read about it here -- but you never know if this might come back later in the game. ;) cw: eddie munson x ofc, mention of AIDs and the AIDs crisis, mild violence

January 5th, 1990  Greenpoint, Brooklyn

The sun was down when Eddie stumbled into his apartment the following week, two grocery bags filled to the brim sagged in his arms. 

“Dose?” he called out into the dark apartment, hip checking the door closed behind him. He used his elbow to click the light on in the hallway, shuffling to the kitchen to drop the bags. 

“Dosia?” he called out, a little more concerned. He stepped back into the hallway, chains and keys clinking onto each other with each step. He turned the corner into the living room, the TV was on, but no one was on the couch. He leaned a ringed hand on the door frame of a bedroom at the end of the hall, his own across from it. The side table lamp cast a yellowed glow through the room, but no sign of – 

“Excuse me, mój drogi.” 

“O mój Boże!” Eddie jumped and held his hand to his chest, “Dosia, sweetheart, Halloween is over, you can’t keep doing this to me.” 

A very short, very old woman, with box dyed dark auburn hair chuckled below him, “Ah, but it is so funny to watch you jump!” 

“I don’t know how you do it, you get me every time,” he said, following her back to the kitchen. 

“Well, you know, I have a few years on you, you learn some things,” she put her glasses on and started taking the groceries out of the bags, “Your Polish is getting better.” 

“Just that one saying,” he leaned up against the wall, crossing his arms a little pink rose in his cheeks. Dosia shrugged, putting some of the produce in the fridge. 

“Are you staying for dinner?” she asked. 

“I wish,” he said, “I’m going back into the city. Made some new friends.” 

“Gratulacje, dear.” 

“I’ll take the trash out when I leave,” Eddie turned down the hall to his bedroom, “Don’t get into any trouble while I’m gone, Dose.” 

Had you told Eddie in 1986 that he’d live in Greenpoint with an elderly Polish woman in three years, he would have laughed at you. But also, if you told him in 1985 that he would end up in an alternate dimension, shredding guitar, and almost getting eaten to death by demobats he also would have laughed at you. So, maybe ending up in Greenpoint wasn’t so outlandish in comparison. 

When Eddie was looking for apartments and for Help Wanted ads in the paper for work, he came across Dosia. Just an old woman looking for help after her son moved to New Jersey when he got married, discounted rent, and homemade Polish food pretty regularly. Not a bad deal, all things considered. What he liked about Dosia is that the first time she saw him, she wasn’t afraid. All she said was, “Please do not play your music during my shows, they are very important to me, thank you.”

They became fast friends. In good weather they’d play cards on the stoop, go on walks, or go sit in a park and feed birds. She didn’t make a sour face when he’d practice guitar, she’d just nod and smile (and sometimes if she was very into it, she’d clap). Dosia called him her second son, and honestly, it was the most love he’d felt in years. He didn’t mind running errands for her or taking her to appointments. He liked caring for someone, and god did she like caring for him.

His first Christmas with her was the first Christmas since he was a kid that he even got a present. Her son helped her find it, and it was so simple, but even just thinking that he might need a guitar repair kit made him tear up. (And the orange sweater he’d never wear but kept folded in the top drawer of his dresser to make her happy.)

“You wear too much black, you have autumn features mój drogi, wear something different,” she begged him. But even still, she offered to bring it to someone to get it dyed if he really wanted her to. Eddie wouldn’t dream of it.

He closed his bedroom door behind him, hearing Dose hum to herself while she got to work in the kitchen. It was…neat- ish. The room was a little bigger than his bedroom in Wayne’s trailer, with a small closet. It was decorated with much of the same, posters littered the walls, stacks of Heavy Metal Magazine on his bedside table. Miss Kitty and her little sister Lucy, a black and white Charvel he bought for himself for his birthday, were displayed proudly on the wall above his bed. 

He gave himself a once over in the mirror in the corner, and normally he wouldn’t care but he felt compelled to look good at Skid tonight. Eddie kicked off his Reeboks and slid into a pair of beat up Docs he stole from the locker rooms at Gleason’s. He figured if one of the guys left them there, they probably didn’t care too much about them. He pulled off his jacket and shirt, rummaged through his drawers for something clean and wrenched out an old Motorhead tee. Once he put everything back on, he looked back in the mirror and shook out his hair. 

“Whatever, it’ll do,” he said to his reflection. Eddie reached to the top of his dresser and gave himself a spritz of the nearly empty Drakkar Noir bottle sitting on the edge of it, another Gleason’s lost and found exclusive. He grabbed his leather satchel and hurried to the kitchen, gave Dosia a kiss on the cheek took out the trash (which he almost forgot), and headed to the train to make it back to the city. 

--

Eddie arrived at Skid with a bang, Tony was wailing on a guy outside while Rhonda pulled another man out the door by the belt loops. From the looks of this guy's face, he definitely was on the receiving end of one of her mean upper cuts. After a final punch, Tony got up and greeted Eddie with a warm smile. 

“How’s it goin’ man? Happy New Year!” he said, putting a hulking arm around him and guiding him inside. Ed looked over his shoulder and watched Ron throw the other guy onto the sidewalk and kick him hard in the side. 

“You can’t just leave her out there,” Eddie said looking back at Rhonda while they went through the door.

“I am never worried about Rhonda kicking someone’s ass,” he said, getting behind the bar, he gestured to one of the open stools for Ed to sit at, “Especially not some fuckin’ Nazi.” 

He nodded at Tony and took a seat. The bar was fairly empty aside from a couple of guys and their guitars over in the corner he sat at last week. 

“You get guys like that in here a lot?” he asked, his eyes flitting to the door hearing Rhonda’s muffled shouts. 

“They’re normally from out of town, think it's some punk bar that lets guys like that in. Hate when it happens so close to opening though, fucks up the whole night's energy,” Tone explained, “When Ron’s here I let her take care of it, helps get her rage out.” 

Eddie let out a small snicker, his attention snapping to the door as it opened and Rhonda stomping inside. She looked him over, red lips parting and then closing while she did, and her eyes fell on his boots.

“Hey, clown,” she said flatly, and got behind the bar, washing her hands in one of the small sinks at the end. Eddie wished he never changed his shoes, “Where were you this week?” 

“Did you miss me?” he asked, resting his chin in his hands and tilting his head to the side.

She rolled her eyes, “You come in on a busy Friday night, mess up my flow, get me in trouble, and you want to know if I missed you?”

“I already know,” he said with a smile, “Tony told me at the gym that you asked where I was on New Year’s Eve.” And I literally haven’t stopped thinking about that conversation since then, he thought to himself. 

“So I could avoid you,” she said. 

“Sure,” he smirked, “No, after that big power outage on Saturday it was kind of hard getting in and out of Brooklyn so I just stayed over there until things got worked out.” 

“Oh, yeah that was a shitty night,” she recalled, “We couldn’t even open. Can I get you a beer or something?” 

“Could I actually…get a martini?” he asked, “Dirty.” 

“How dirty do you like it?” Rhonda asked while reaching for a bottle of Tanqueray. 

“Filthy,” he replied. She got to work in front of him, still wearing her battle vest but swapped the jeans for disco pants. He let his eyes linger on her when she turned around to grab something else, the way she filled those pants out was a crime. 

“I didn’t miss you,” she put the glass in front of him, “Pretty let down I didn’t scare you away though, I’m pretty good at getting creeps out of the bar.” 

“I saw,” he said, taking a sip of his drink, “Why don’t you ever come to Gleason’s and train?”

“Tony goes to Gleason’s to train, and look at girls, and see you,” she said, “I don’t go to Gleason’s because I have better things to do than watch losers with 'roid rage pretend to fight. My girlfriend Hannah goes there though, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You know her? Hannah Lester?” 

Eddie choked on his martini, he knew Hannah Lester very well. 

“Nope, doesn’t ring a bell,” he lied, looking into his drink. 

“Hm,” she gave him a semi-suspicious look but shook it off quickly, “So what did you do on New Years?” 

“Worked,” he said, “Rang things in with my roommate and uh, then went out to a bar nearby. Welcome to the Nineties, I guess. I take it you worked too?” 

“I didn’t, actually,” she said, “I came here after but I spent some time at Roosevelt. Lot of those patients don’t have anyone doing holidays with them, so I wanted to help put something together.” 

“What patients?” he asked. 

“Oh, Roosevelt hospital, in the AIDs ward,” she said while wiping down glasses in the sink, not making eye contact with him, “I’m not a nurse or anything, I just volunteer there on my days off and in the mornings when I can. Like, being a candy striper but for emotional support and ice water.” 

There was a moment of silence and Eddie could tell she seemed nervous, “I think that’s really cool.”

Relief poured over her body at the affirmation, “Thanks for saying that, after the whole ‘Stop the Church’ stuff at St. Patrick's, everyone's been kind of on edge.” 

“I don’t think you’re running into a lot of Catholics here,” he muttered while taking another sip of his drink, “But – if it makes you feel better talking to me about it, the last time I got arrested was at the Wall Street rally.” 

Rhonda broke out in a smile and met his stare, “Me too.” 

“Cheers to that,” he said, raising his glass to her, “Tony was right, you are a bleeding heart.”

“Tone never knows what he’s talking about,” Rhonda retorted, “Like, ever.” 

“I’m like, four feet away from you Ron,” Tony said on the other end of the bar, “If you’re gonna say some wrong and dumb shit, at least do it quietly.” 

Rhonda laughed and leaned on the bar on her forearms like how she did the first time they talked. 

“Tone never knows what he’s talking about,” she whispered. 

“I think he does, and you’re only actually mean and scary at the bar,” Eddie whispered back, giving her a knowing look from under his bangs.

“I think, if you wanna stay another minute at Skid, you’ll stop agreeing with Tony before I knock all your teeth out of your mouth,” she whispered again. She stood back up and returned to drying off glasses, back to her regular tone  “And they’re good teeth, too.” 

He put a hand to his heart, “A threat and a compliment? You’re really going soft on us. Do you want me to go find that guy from outside?" Eddie gestured to the door with his thumb, "You can tell him how much you liked his jacket.” 

“Tone, when can I finally kick this clown out of here?” she asked over her shoulder.

“Oh c’mon, Ron,” Tony teased, “You were just asking where he was last week!”

[whereismymonsterlover]

Djo came out with another ear-creamer and it's gay.

Djo (Joe Keery) has just come out with another single called Figure You Out. it's so good and I'm so excited for the album. I heard the first verse and was like "This... This is fruity." Let me explain: (light CW for mention of AIDS within an interpretation)

I'm beginning to understand

There's no mystery to this man

It's the simplest things I need

Just my friend and a place to sleep

But I never fail to surprise

There's a feeling that's new to me

Unmistakably that's my voice

And it's speaking as clear as day

"I've been trying to figure you out"

I like your funny words, magic maaaaan. I, being the dirty little queer I am, immediately added queer context behind it - using Steve Harrington as my test subject. The result was: Steve's Bisexual Revelation. It's so beautiful when you think of it like a man discovering he's bisexual (I might be acting really dumb and saying something obvious. I'm most definitely too used to being left with speculation when it comes to queer-coded storytelling).

But wait! It gets gayer!

How can you get to know yourself?

take a test and you get a grade

I read this as the man looking for a way to discover himself, hoping finding your sexuality was as easy as taking a test and getting the answer at the end. I've also been learning a lot more about the AIDS crisis during the 80s and 90s in America and UK recently and so my brain also linked this theme when I heard "take a test" - as well as in the lines:

If the money just wasn't there

And the power you had was gone

And these people were just like you

Tell me then would you lend a hand?

The singer is asking the higher power with the control and money (the government) if they'd actually take action if the queer people, drug users and all affected by AIDS were instead people like them (cis-het). I know that's a heavy interpretation, it is just simply one way I made sense of those lyrics!

Back to Steve Harrington. Another interpretation which I believe is truer to the actual meaning, is Steve evaluating himself, first year without the "King Steve" title, and realising he is boring.

There's no mystery to this man

There's nothing interesting or mysterious about himself.

it's the simplest things I need

Just my friend and a place to sleep

He is content with the bare minimum, no desire in the past for excessive material objects, no hobbies outside of the sports curriculum in high school.

"I've been trying to figure you out"

he's been trying to look into himself and explore new hobbies, potential interests etc.

Is the memory really mine?

Is the story I told just fake?

Steve has to embezzle on stories to make them actually interesting.; Sometimes, he relays someone else's story and claims it as his to make interesting conversation about himself.

How can you get to know yourself?

Take a test and you get a grade

Again, him trying to figure himself out.

If the money just wasn't there

And the power you had was gone

And these people were just like you

Tell me then would you lend a hand?

If Steve wasn't rich, if power was never synonymous with the name 'Harrington', and he was just like anyone else - would there then be something of himself? Something interesting and fun and different that would attract more friends and people looking to have a long-lasting relationship with him?

It's not easy when you're closing down, down, down

Mans having an identity crisis rn.

Something's in my mind and I'm focused on you, yeah

This line that repeats at the end goes back to Bisexual Steve Harrington and being infatuated with this other guy - causing this whole sexuality crisis.

I think those are all of my thoughts. I don't know, i just wanted to get some of my thoughts down and promote Joe's new album lmao The singles we've gotten have been absolute bangers so far and I'm so excited!!

[ask-swagger-dagger-trolls]

The Holy Giggle Church

Since Im working on Soyuka's full-body ref (like I did with Malara), I thought it would be nice to dive deeply into her church and some recurring trolls in the said church, but I will be posting the darker aspects of it on my Adult sideblog. Since the church used to be a brothel and all. I will put a Content Warning on this, so don't worry.

Let's start, shall we?

CW: Death mention, Abuse, Violence, Gore, Body horror, and Animal Death

The Church

The Holy Giggle Church, or The HGC for short, was part of a vast money laundering scam that grew so big and powerful that it put Alternia into an economic crisis! It grew so bad that the Empress had to get involved and investigate, but they knew how to hide their tracks very well, it was pure insanity that it got this bad. It was a low-down, drug-smuggling, troll-degrading, rights-revoking, trauma-inducing brothel hidden behind a religious mask. And this church spread through ALL parts of Alternia and other conquered planets. Each was run by Gadoom, the same asshole that murdered Soyuka's moirail before Taluco and Soyuka slayed his ass. Now, the church is going through reformation to rid it of its horrid past and to give aid to all the victims of Gadoom's cruel treatment. Soyuka was made the new preacher!

The Trolls

In the past, there was a special ranking system, which I will go into detail about on my side blog. Just need to know that these guys (Including Soyuka, Anleme, and Xylyno) were the top dogs. Introductions~

Kundam Latifa | He/She | 7'9ft | 10 sweeps | Rich Lilac #B666D2

AKA "Big Brother" to everyone, he is the tallest and most skittish in the church. Kundam was brought to the church a bit after Anleme joined, he was dragged there by Gadoom through intimidation and blackmail, which was the start of his fear of fellow Purples (especially clowns. His fear grew to its peak when, after breaking a vase by accident, Gadoom slaughtered his lusus and forced him to bury it. Now, even the sight of another Purpleblood sends him into a state of panic, Soyuka helps him through it by having him recite the names of feline breeds. The only Purples he's friends with are Aabdar and Soyuka. He has a strong connection with felines (his lusus was a Margay), which are always very protective of him once he meets a group of them, it's rumored in the church it might be due to his submissive aura. Chucklevoodoo: Can cause claw-like marks on victims with a swipe of hands, which can "explode" the minds of said victims

Aabdar Corbon | She/They | 6'0ft | 66 sweeps | Purple Plum #9C51B6

Aabdar is the oldest in the church, she is sometimes referred to as "The Purple Dolorosa", due to her motherly nature towards others. No one in the church has any qualms with her and is spoken highly of by others. Gadoom was her former lover, but he was very harsh with her, due to his deep-seated jealousy of her. He dislikes her open-mindedness and free will, he has accused her of cheating many times, though he was always proven wrong. It hit his breaking point when Aabdar was with grub (she is one of few trolls that can lay eggs), Gadoom was convinced she was cheating and pushed her off of the church roof, which cost her the loss of the egg and vision in one of her eyes. She fell into a deep depression and drowned herself in her passion: Stain glass. She used her own blood to stain color into her glass and make beautiful murals, each one tells a story that always ends tragically; no mural is the same. She is always seen covered in cuts and scars, the newer they are, the more recently she has been working on a new project. She is also skilled in blowing glass, so there might be a burn mark or two speckled on her. Her chucklevoodoo revolves around the glass, that is how much she loves it. She was the one that helped Soyuka get situated in the church, so they have a close bond, like mother and daughter. Chucklevoodoo: Can make glass-like barriers and deflect attacks and can turn her blood into sharp glass-like weapons

Joudas Nekane | He/Him | 5'9ft | 9 sweeps | Deep Purple #321C46

Being the youngest out of the group, Joudas makes up for it with his high pain tolerance, survival skills, and protective attitude. He (along with Soyuka) has suffered the most physical abuse in the church, but what makes him so different is the fact that no matter how fatal the injury he refuses to die, using his sheer will and spite. From a collapsed lung to an amputated arm, Joudas has taken it all in stride, even going as far as growing accustomed to pain. But, he hates seeing others suffer through pain, as he still remembers what it was like to feel pain. It wasn't good, it was never good, and some trolls don't have this numbness that he grew to have. Jhaye-Jhaye, as he sometimes goes by, took it upon himself to be the church drug man. He steals medications for church followers, or random Lowbloods in the streets, so they don't have to suffer through the anguish. Like Kundam, he despises other Purplebloods, so he tends to be a bit snappy at those that he doesn't know. "Just cause Soyuka likes you, doesn't mean shit to be, you are not a friend to me", a motto that he lives and will die by. Chucklevoodoo: Can conjure a phantom arm that with direct contact can cause burning, festering blisters to form on the affected area, and amplify the pain receptors in victims to the point of immobilizing them.

Rivven Chesil | She/Her | 5'7ft | 18 sweeps | Deep Violet #42005B

Rivven, AKA "Half n Half", is a very quiet troll who tends to keep to herself and stays out of conflict. Like Soyuka, she had witnessed the purest form of Gadoom's cruelty through the sacrifice of a quadmate, she came to the church with her Matesprite.

They were both circus performers before joining the church, but due to rebels attacking the circus and burning it down, they traveled to the west to seek great pastures. That's when Gadoom entered the picture, using his charisma and turn of phrase to convince them to join, only to be subjected to the same cruel treatment as the others. An incident occurred between Gadoom and Rivven's red, while Rivven was away on an "errand", the confrontation led to the Rivven having to bury their own red in the back of the church. The cause of death is only known to those in the church. Since then, Rivven fell into despair and coped by incorporating her red's fashion, mannerisms, and interests into her own. It grew so out of control that she forgot who she was before this coping mechanism, forgetting her own likes and dislikes, favorite color, favorite food, etc. She is now nothing more than a hollow shell of her once happy and cheerful self. Chucklevoodoo: Can mimic other Purpleblood's chuckle voodoo, but only for a short period of time, which is about 1 hour.

Kaelus & Wekasa Gunjog | She/They | 5'6ft | 24 sweeps | Russian Violet #350D6D

The Gunjog twins were once normal trolls living in the far North of Alternia, but after the death of their lusus, they moved to the West for a better opportunity. They met Gadoom and he offered a stay at his church, they declined, but Gadoom was very insistent. But, they both sternly declined his invitation, which lead to him taking Kaelus hostage and forcing them to join. They were very disobedient like Soyuka used to be, but did not heed her warnings, they continued their defiance against Gadoom. Their disrespect leads to Gadoom losing his temper and cutting down the twins with Soyuka's sword, it was a fatal cut, and the nurse at the time (Malara's friend) had only one choice in order to save their life. With her vast medical knowledge and secret medicinal herbs, she manages to sew the duo together and save their lives, but now they are forever together. Due to that Indigoblood saving them, they have a soft spot for them, especially Wekasa. Chucklevoodoo: Their voodoo allows them to separate for about 45 minutes at max. When they do, purple gum-like energy forms on them, acting as a lifeline for them. The line can stretch about 8ft. The line can also sap away nutrients of those that dare grasp it. Example:

[cherry-the-idiot]

Cw: venting and mentioned injuries (the injuries were fake though.)

Crying in a bathroom rn because at the event I'm at, they decided it would be a great prank to do a surprise crisis thing where a bunch of people got "hurt" in a "tornado" and my mom was one of the people "hurt" so everyone was screaming, and I wasn't able to help my mom quick enough, even though I should have be able to since I have enough first-aid knowledge. So that prank just made me realize how useless I'd be in a situation like that.

[kiplo-shaw]

A rant about why I love falsettos (well 1 reason at least)

The musical falsettos, in my opinion, is a wonderful example of Jewish storytelling.

“Well, why Jewish storytelling in particular?”- thanks for asking, imaginary person i introduced to ask!

(CW for mentions of historical events that affected the LGBT and Jewish folk negatively, just in case you’re not in the mood)

Historically, the Jewish people were oppressed and in diaspora. And I’m sorry to sound grim, but that’s exactly what made the countless massacres, the most horrific and recent being the holocaust, possible. It wasn’t just Europe, throughout most of the history there’s been constant threat of exile, and stigma around Jews that caused violence. Even our oldest text, while they are largely religious, outlined the objective reality that people didn’t like us that much (that’s an understatement haha)

For that reason, our stories quite often outline having faith, hope. Doing the right thing for the community, and being smart about navigating a terrifying world. It is understood that God is not all kind and all loving, but understanding things go a way because that’s just what’s happening, and to work with an unfair world as best we can.

And Falsettos really shows these storytelling conventions.

Marvin is trying to balance personal need with keeping a hold on his community. He spends the first half of the play trying to figure out how to do that.

Then he ultimately figures out, to some degree, how to hold his family up, and even finds his lover again!

But, the world is cruel, and his lover (and him) become early deaths in the AIDS crisis that plagued the gay community. And while it is a tragedy, and another example of the fact that nothing is guaranteed, the community and faith he built helps him as far as they can.

I have forgotten the name of the story (sorry), but there is a story where god punishes a faithful follower over and over again to test the extent of his faith, and then when he snaps he is punished again. The world, and god, can be cruel, but Jewish storytelling tells us that community, faith, and holding on hope no matter what, is all we can do sometimes. And sometimes that’s enough.

:)

[tovahsfine]

Some important tweets / CW mention of s*icide on slide 5. ⁣ ⁣ ID Slide 1 / Everytime someone says "but 99% of people who get covid don't die" I really wonder what their lives are like. Would you get on an airplane that advertised "99% of passengers survive the flight!"? Would you eat at a restaurant where "99% of customers dont die from our food!"? @/EPIEllie on Twitter⁣ ⁣ ID Slide 2 / "Enjoy on our cruise! 99% of passengers survive!"⁣ "Looking for a new job? 99% of our employees survive!"⁣ "Welcome to the neighborhood! 99% of our homeowners survive their time here!"⁣ "Join our gym! 99% of people survive their workout!" @/EpiEllie on Twitter⁣ ⁣ ID Slide 3 / I've never understood why people try to diminish your disability by saying "it's all in your head" because like I have a brain disorder, where else is it gonna be? In my shoe? @A_Spoonful_Of_Pain ⁣ ID Slide 4 / A long, long, long time ago, someone decided what was masculine and what was feminine and millennia later, here we are still pretending that makes sense. Are you not tired? I'm tired. @/UncleTypewriter on Twitter⁣ ⁣ ID Slide 5 / S*icidal people deserve a space to talk about their s*icidal feelings without risking hospitalization/institutionalization or being accused of being manipulative or attention seeking @Benzilllaaa⁣ ⁣ ID Slide 6 / "Why aren't people making the kind of old-world classical sculptures and oil painting I like anvmore?" | dunno dude why aren't you providing an artist with a full time salary and residence on your property so they can focus on nothing but making one painting for three years. ⁣ @CoelaSquid⁣ ⁣ ID Slide 7 / what if trauma isn't over diagnosed, what if abuse is actually just everywhere @/AComradeQ on Twitter⁣ ⁣ ID Slide 8 / activists in the early AIDS crisis did things like sharing condoms and pamphlets about safe sex with their communities. if you think asking people to wear a mask is going AGAINST that legacy, then i don't know what to tell you. @AbbyMachines⁣ ⁣ ⁣ #WearAMask #TraumaSupport #TweetThread #TweetRoundup #SocialJustice (at Everywhere) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cnw-jrIr8dT/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[hellbentrapture]

Compassion

I don’t know how to tell people they should always consider a modicum of compassion. I’m not saying let people walk all over, I’m not saying let everyone bend and break the rules. I am saying there is nuance to every situation and compassion should be part of the equation.

I am asking, begging, to be treated like a human. Which shouldn’t be a lot to ask for but apparently it is.

[CW/TW: capitalist hellscape, hellworld, failure to provide human decency and compassion, financial crisis.]

So I got pseudo-zucc’ed on Facebook for a month because I accidentally mentioned “weed” in a mutual aid request post (because I literally cannot pay rent or my bills, fundraiser here). This meant all my posts were suppressed, including all my sale posts of things I am trying to sell for rent. I finally got out of the pseudo-Zucc, I go to bump all my sale posts, and one of the groups proceeds to delete all my posts and suspend me.

The group, with “NO SILLY RULES” literally in the name, does not permit more than three posts by a person at a time. Further, they count each and every individual bump as a separate post. This broke the rules. The rules do state all and any sale posts can be removed without notice, but like, I didn’t think one silly mistake would lead to ALL OF MY POSTS being taken down AND ME BEING SUSPENDED IN THAT GROUP.

So I reached out to an Admin to try and appeal and explain my situation. The exchange:

Admin: “The rules clearly state that if you break a rule that the posts will be deleted without warning.”  Me: “So no compassion? Like it was one mistake, why remove everything.”

Admin: “Compassion has nothing to do with it” Me: “It most certainly does” Admin: “Disagree”

So I have since left the group because literally fuck that. I am so hurt and angry. How easy it could have been to find an ounce of compassion. Yet how easy it was for them to just wholesale disregard it. No silly rules my fucking ass. Fuck right off. Unless there was serious harm or a grievous rule break, people should have the opportunity to reach out to an admin and appeal - ESPECIALLY in groups like buy and sell ones, where people may desperately trying to live.

I wish it didn’t hurt so much to be so disregarded, treated so coldly. I wish I wasn’t always so surprised when I’m not treated like a human, when I am given no compassion. Why wouldn’t you even consider compassion - especially in this world these days?

[hydrostorm]

i just learned that the reason L is at the front of LGBT is because of the lesbians who were silently suffering with HIV/AIDS : ( it was changed to bring visibility to this, but to this day you never hear about the lesbians who were dying during the AIDS crisis.. and apparently a lot of the first treatments of it were geared toward cis men, so a lot of lesbians were just dying with no visibility. like wtf but also L was moved to the front of the acronym so people wouldn't forget lesbians

[alowlycaterpillar]

Hi all, this is just a PSA to please, please for the love of god educate yourselves on drug safety, especially if you or someone you know regularly uses drugs.

Take a first aid class if you can afford it, and if your city has programs for them get a Naloxone kit and learn how to use it.

Don’t use if you’re alone, and if your friends are using encourage them to use the buddy system.

If god forbid you do have to use a Naloxone dose, you still have to go to the hospital. Do not go back to sleep, do not wait for it to get worse again, Naloxone puts a temporary pause on the effects of fentanyl, and won’t do anything against toxic levels of any other drugs so no matter what happens, call an ambulance or else drive the person to a hospital yourself if you’re sober and have a car.

You will not be arrested for using drugs if you seek out medical help, the nurses and doctors’ jobs are to keep you alive. They will not report you. Do not lie to them about what you took, if you’re in the midst of an OD, the time it takes them to figure out what you took may be the time it takes for the drugs to kill you.

Nobody is immune to this. Fentanyl has shown up in almost every street drug - even party drugs. Yes even that one. Yes even if you only do it once it can still happen to you.

Please take care of each other. I am so tired of burying people.

[mellometal]

are we certain bi women did not donate blood for gay (AND BI) men during the aids crisis? i find it impossible to believe they did not.

Great question, anon! I'll try to answer to the best of my ability.

Until the 80's, the LGBT community wasn't even called the LGBT community. Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and trans people were just all called "gay" because that was the most polite term people back in the day other than "homosexuals" or derogatory slurs (like the f-slur, dyke, and t-slur, for example). The acronym was originally GLBT before they decided to put lesbians in front (LGBT) in the mid-80's during the AIDS crisis.

Bisexual men and gays were grouped up together at the time due to them being attracted to men, whether it be exclusively or not. That was the same deal when it came to bisexual women and lesbians, with them being both attracted to women. Bisexuals at the time were just considered gay or lesbian, or they were considered straight, or like half-gay or half-lesbian/half-straight. I'm sorry for the confusion. (I hope I explained this well.)

The reason for why I brought up lesbians helping gays with donating blood, being their nurses and/or primary caretakers, etc., is because they were the only ones who stepped up to help anyone in the LGBT community who were hospitalized due to HIV/AIDS, especially gays.

I'm sure there were bisexual women who stepped up to help as well, plus bisexual men who were hospitalized due to HIV/AIDS during the AIDS crisis; however, due to the time period, they were most likely just labeled as lesbians and gays. That's where I was going with that when I made the post mentioning it. I wasn't excluding bisexuals at all, I promise. I was speaking in the historical sense.

[brightymir]

𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐈𝐑 𝐒/𝐎 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐊 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐄 [𝐬𝐜𝐬]

cw: mention(s) of alcoholism, final season spoilers, manga spoilers, canon violence, gore, language, not proofread

word count: 3.5k

characters: eren, armin, mikasa, levi x gn!reader

author's notes: wowzie it's been a month since my last aot work */refuses to make eye contact/ wishing that this makes up for my month-long no ud for the aot side of the blog :) i hope u guys enjoy this and lmk what u think abt the latest ep!! <3

❀ eren jäger

eren felt all the life and energy drain from his body the moment his fleeting eyes met yours. he was immersed in his fight with reiner, and that momentarily glance at your direction cannot be helped, he had to. it has simply been too long since he last saw you, since he last saw everyone. but it's not like he can blame anyone but himself.

he pushed everyone away, that includes you and the relationship you two have, had.

so in his constant rain of punches towards the armored titan's form, his white eyes faltered and looked frantically in every direction, wanting to see someone, anyone.

and he did not fail, because when he tilted his eyes to the side and his eyes swept over the area, he saw you. of course he will even in the midst of terror and disaster reigning over his hometown.

though it was gunshot after the other, bombs after bombs, corpses falling to the ground like snow on a winter day, you stood still on the top of the roof, fully geared with the ODM, blessing his sight once again to see you in the gear that brought you to his life.

his eyes faltered once more and his assault on reiner halted for a second when his eyes found the black band on your arm, wrapped tightly and neatly.

that means...

oh.

you and your stupid alcoholic self.

he had no time to ponder on the thought as reiner threw a punch on his jaw, making the latter stagger backwards. even as he fell to the ground, eren looked up and tried to see you once again but to no avail.

right, that must just be a hallucination. you must be safe with armin and the others, his plan to keep you away must work. none of you should get involved with the mess he started.

but no.

he was approaching his brother when he saw you so clear, so prominent that the world around him stopped. in the midst of chaos, only you could make the founding titan halt in his tracks. only you could make the attack titan stop from moving forward.

only you and the repulsive black arm band you wore.

he stopped in his tracks, much to zeke's confusion. eren started to have a crisis there, he knew how everything will end! but why didn't he see this? what went wrong? he had no time to question shit when the jaw titan targeted him.

it was the sound of a thunder spear near him that shook him from his daze. and as he felt a light weight descend on his shoulders, he felt relieved. and terrified.

he did not bother to look at you, he was too ashamed to meet your eyes. and you did not force him to. so all you did was caress his face and press a light kiss to the side of it.

"go on, you suicidal dumbass. save the world, save others. keep going forward until your legs give out, until you reach a wall so high you can't climb it. i'll always watch you from afar"

you flew off from his shoulders and aided mikasa in attacking the cart titan. your last words reminded him of how much he destroyed your relationship, how much he neglected it and how much he pushed you away. how much of a jackass he was to make you just watch from afar instead of taking every step with him.

he wanted to stay still, he wanted to stop this bullshit. but he was far too deep, far too gone.

so eren reeled himself.

no one can make the attack titan stop. no one can subdue the warhammer titan. and with the founding in his hands, he is invincible.

so he has no reason to stop the rumbling just for you.

you were going to meet your demise anyways.

so he did what he was best at, to keep moving forward.

and it was a few moments later, when he couldn't stop zeke from doing their last resort, to bring those who were unfortunate to their ultimate demise.

to turn the fools who drank the wine into the creatures they've been fighting all their life. it was the most painful way to go, to turn into something you loathed and despised to your very core.

but he did not bother to look at the hundreds of yellow lightning behind him as his comrades fell. the only thing he saw was how your body fell from the top of the outer wall of shiganshina, and the loud crack it made as it landed beside zeke.

a hole in your head, you took your own life before anyone else could, before you turned into something that could inflict harm.

but as you said, he had to keep moving forward, and forward. until he no longer can.

so even if his body was disconnected from his head, he still channeled the founding titan.

even if he met a dilemma in the paths and coordinate, he moved forward.

and even he clearly felt the crunching and splatter of blood and bones under his feet as he continued with the rumbling, he did not relent.

and even when he had to fight his only friends at the very end, he gave his all.

but you were right, even the most powerful titan could never break through a wall they can never climb.

and for eren; you, armin, mikasa and the others were his tallest and strongest wall.

he would never let anything destroy any of you.

so if he's the reason of your demise, he'd stop moving forward once he established everyone's safety. he'd sacrifice himself and make you guys the greatest heroes the world has ever known.

❀ armin arlert

he was preparing his gear after onyakopon let him and the others go from the cells when he heard light footsteps approach him. he paid no mind, continuing to fix his gear as time is of the essence at that moment, he had to hurry and every delay that happens is equivalent to more destruction and havoc in the town.

he opened the door and was ready to head out but he was barely three steps into the hallway when he heard a familiar voice behind him.

“in a rush?” you asked without turning around to look at him, eyes staring out towards the debris that was scattered throughout shiganshina,

he halted his steps and turned around to look at you, fully geared and ready to engage in combat anytime it is required. you were facing towards the sun, so all he could see was your silhouette.

he staggered as he rushed towards you, pulling you into a hug regardless of the time and situation. it’s been long, too long. the last time he saw you was at sasha’s funeral, and you vanished into thin air, only appearing now before him.

you stood still, not making a sound nor any movement to hug him back. he was confused when you pried his arms away from you and you turned away from the window, walking away from the sunlight.

and he saw it.

the black band that clung around your left arm, showing everyone your status as a subject of ymir.

he rushed towards you and ripped the arm band, tearing it to shreds, destroying evidence that you can turn into a titan at any time. with the scream of the beast titan, you will turn into the creature that took away your home and the people you love. you will become a mindless creature that is keen on eating people.

“you’re fine, you’re okay. you just need to run as far as you can and out of earshot from zeke’s scream. i’ll meet you la-” armin tried to persuade you but before he can finish his sentence, he broke down into tears and fell to his knees.

“eat me, eat me alive, you can bec-” armin felt a stinging pain on his right cheek, his ear going deaf for a few moments before finally shaking off from his daze.

he stood up just as quick as he dropped and clasped your hands tightly, looking up to you with pleading eyes.

he wanted to look away from your tear-stained face, but he couldn't, he shouldn't. he stared back at you with wide eyes, reeling in from the harsh slap you just delivered to him.

"the scout needs you, armin. the world needs you, eren and mikasa needs you. hundreds of myself could never compare to a single armin arlert. remember, you are irreplaceable, armin. be it in the scouts or ranks, in the battlefield or at home, you are irreplaceable. in my heart and in my mind."

you held his hand and led him out of the building, ready to face the dangers in the battlefield.

you sighed and pulled him into a tight hug, pressing a kiss to his temple before pulling away and walking away from the opposite direction the titan shifters were in.

"save the world, and let's see the ocean someday together once again."

armin fought back his tears as he sped off to help eren and the others. he couldn't save you but at the very least, he can save his friends, the world.

thunder spears, the roaring of footsteps, the thud of dead bodies were all that armin could hear as it was a constant exchange of attacks between marley and the jaegerists.

yet all those sounds vanished when a deafening scream resonated throughout the entire town.

and his eyes reflected the countless yellow balls of lightning that came from the center of the town. the ground shook and trembled, but armin stood rooted in place as his eyes fell on your figure.

you stood tall, around seven meters, but you made no move to eat the marleyan soldiers around you. you frantically looked around for something, and when your big eyes fell on armin's, you calmed down and seemingly relaxed.

another blast from above, and all armin could see seconds later was smoke coming from the place you were in moments ago.

but there's no room for crying and regrets.

though seemingly futile, everyone came up with a plan to stop the rumbling and save the remaining population of the world.

and eren won, eren did. because he managed to make everyone be known as heroes, his plan from the start.

and armin lost, he did. because he's only alive until now because of his mind games and his friends.

so, he's the hero who killed eren jaeger, the hero who put an end to the rumbling. the hero who will continue the peace talks and negotiate with other nations.

armin arlert is tired.

he just wants to see the ocean with you again.

❀ mikasa ackerman

with a set goal in mind, mikasa put down the neatly folded scarf on the table and double checked her gear to make sure that nothing would go wrong out there. it was a mess, it truly was. the sight outside was something that mikasa never wanted to see, and she isn't still prepared for what was about to come.

but nothing could prepare her for the moment she turned around and saw you leaning at the doorframe.

you looked just as you were the day she last saw you at sasha's funeral. your hair still flowing freely, your uniform neat and clinging to your body. your gear attached nicely to your arms and hips, elbows supporting the thunder spears.

there were no traces of blood anywhere on you.

anywhere but your eyes.

your eyes were bloodshot from tears, red veins visible from afar, letting mikasa know the pain and dilemma you were in.

oh and another thing worth noting was your left arm, where a black band was wrapped around.

mikasa took calm steps towards you and froze, unsure what to do with you. her eyes kept flickering from various places from your body, unsure which part to touch or tend to. even if you cover it well with a neat uniform, mikasa knows, feels, that you are hurt.

she settled to cradling your face and pressing a kiss on the corner of your lips. you let yourself break down in front of her, slipping to your knees as she did so, supporting your body with her stronger one, letting you cry on the crook of her neck.

"i'm sorry. i should've known" you whispered against her skin which was damped by your tears. she only held you tighter against her.

mikasa kept her lips shut, because she knows everything and nothing at the same time.

there was nothing she could do.

she wasn't like eren who was powerful enough to stop you from turning when the situation arises.

she wasn't like armin who can give up his titan to make you live a long life instead.

she was just an ackerman. her blood was a result of an experiment.

but it was simply because she was an ackerman, that she's willing to hold you to the very end.

minutes passed and you two remained sitting, not minding the tremors from outside. mikasa did not mind that she was not present in the battlefield even though she's a veteran scout, all that mattered at that moment was you.

it was when the shaking of the ground and rubble began to fall that you pushed her off, pulling her out of the building and into the open air, looking up at the clouds that was becoming one with the smoke coming from the aerial bombs.

"go now, they need their best soldier in the field" you said but you couldn't move because mikasa was holding your hand in a vice grip. you turned back to look at her and pulled her into a quick kiss, not lasting longer than five seconds, but you got your message across.

her eyes watered, but you stood your ground as you pulled her into a hug once more, before running away towards where the others who drank the wine were.

your heart felt heavy as you did so, because you knew well that her tears were akin to the bombs that marley was dropping.

and it is because she's an ackerman that her mind was steered clear of any events between the two of you moments ago as she battled with marley.

and she felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest the moment the bright sparks of lightning appeared before her eyes.

her chest constricted the moment she saw you run around aimlessly and ate the marleyan soldiers with no relent.

and she wanted to cry and break down, but she can't. she is an ackerman.

it's because she's an ackerman that she managed to stop the rumbling. that she has the strength to keep going even though she felt so hollow.

and as she sat under the tree on top of the hill, she remembered the words you left to her with that kiss on that day.

'we'll always be watching, my love. no lives will go to waste, no sacrifices will be unworthy, as long as you're around to justify them'

and she did, didn't she?

she did the right thing, didn’t she??

you're proud of her, right?

❀ levi ackerman

dumbfounded was an understatement to describe what levi was feeling the moment that zeke began to run deep into the forest. 

but everything made sense when the monkey began to scream his lungs out when he was a good distance from the others. and tens of lightning balls appeared before levi. the bright yellow light was illuminating his dull, grey orbs.

and as zeke began to run deep into the forest, levi stood still and watched his comrades began to turn into the creatures that they were taught to kill at a young age. he felt dread overcome his senses when it finally sinks and what was happening around him, when he sees his fellow soldiers emerge into creatures that he needed to slaughter. 

levi ackerman would not have made it to where he is today without his abilities and courage, so with a heavy heart, he used the skills that he honed over time as he expertly sliced the nape of his former comrades. 

it was moments later when he emerged from the horde of titans covered in blood, the smoke from their decomposing bones in flash filling the entire forest in a thin layer of fog. the foul stench of their bodies and organs dissipating into the air made levi want to hurl his guts. 

but he set those trivial matters aside and instead, focused on running after the beast titan, whose screams for help can be clearly heard from a distance. 

his mind flew to you, who was nowhere to be seen. you excused yourself fifteen minutes ago to receive supplements from the headquarters to last the entire squad for two weeks. so levi quickly traversed the forests, avoiding each obstacle in his way and determined to rip the monkey to pieces, determined to see you alive and well.

soon enough, levi sets his eyes on the blonde man, whose body was encased in a death grip by another titan. the titan has striking features, it's eyes were studying each movement of the usurper of the beast titan, it's fingers solid and firm as a rock as it held zeke jager in its hold, not showing any intent to let the man go. 

his eyes fell on the crate of supplements by your feet, as well as the broken ODM gear who was crumbled to pieces, and the torn fabric of the scout regiment uniform.

and, a necklace with a butterfly pendant he made years ago. 

ah, it was you. 

he'd recognize those eyes everywhere. be it when it was conscious or in a daze, those sparkling eyes of yours will always captivate him.

he jumped in surprise when he sees you slowly lift your arm, making a move to eat the blonde man. he fell into a dilemma. sure, that son of a gun deserved to die right here but he doesn’t deserve to die like this. zeke jager deserves the worst death imaginable.

he promised someone that he'd be the one to kill the beast titan with his bare hands. and at the same time, he doesn't want you to be tainted with that creature's body.

with this in mind, levi’s mind replayed the conversation between you two last night, as you both sat on a high branch of the tall tree. a warm cup of tea in both your hands as you two looked up at the bright moon. 

/ / / 

“hmm, when all this is over, let’s open up a tea shop. do you want to put it here in paradis or somewhere far from here?” you asked and took a sip from yor teacup, humming as the warm liquid soothed your throat. 

“that’s absurd” the reply came quick, making you sigh. you poked levi’s sides, making him jolt as you ignored his glare, busy laughing as a drop of tea landed on his pants. 

“hey! what’s absurd about that? you’re amazing at making tea, and my pastry is high quality. it’s a good retirement plan, and, we both love what we’re going to do there anyway” you replied and snuggled closer to levi. 

“what about chi-”

“absolutely not” he replied, making you chuckle as you held his right hand with your left, interlocking your fingers together. “alright, that’s a discussion for another time”, you replied and put your head on his shoulders, admiring the iridescent glow of the moon. 

all your lover did was nod and hum. after all, nothing is for certain in this world the two of you were in. nothing was for sure, and levi does not have the guts to promise you anything that he doesn’t know if he can fulfill. 

as you fell asleep on his shoulders, levi remained wide awake. 

thinking about how to make your dreams come true, thinking about the two of you. 

/ / / 

at the scene before him, levi knew he had to sacrifice one. it was you or zeke. 

and with that quick mind of his, he made his next move before you were even able to open your mouth. 

zeke jager’s body fell to the ground with a loud thud as levi’s face get splattered with blood for the nth time. 

he landed beside zeke’s body and watched as your titan fall, face flat onto the grass, steam coming out from your nape. 

levi ackerman killed the person he loves. 

the person he promised to protect to the very end. 

but, this is life. 

and he’d rather kill you than let you consume the pathetic excuse for a human named zeke jager. he’d rather have your blood on his hands than extend your life in a way that would disgust you and repulse you. 

he’d rather end your life by his blade rather than watch you live the next thirteen years in misery and agony. 

because that’s how he is, that’s how humanity’s strongest soldier is. 

selfless and giving.

he can only hope that you know how much he loved the idea of opening up a tea shop with you. 

how much he adored the thought of having a son and daughter with you.

© 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐘𝐌𝐈𝐑 2022 - all rights reserved. please do not repost, plagiarize, translate, or share my work on other platforms without permission. thank you.