#dae makes bad life choices

[mswyrr]

They spent the entire season showing the collapse of everything Alicent had invested meaning in and earning her final choice.

Things that came apart over the season:

-her father's role in all this; his approval (and fear of his disapproval) has driven her for her entire life! (bad move on multiple fronts, Aegon)

-her belief that she could do what this patriarchy promises and "influence" her sons toward a good direction (Aegon dismisses her but Aemond really drove the nail in with flagrantly slaughtering smallfolk and making his intent to force his sister to do it too clear)

-her belief that she had any allies and her skills in leadership and her track record of hard work actually meant anything to *anyone* (this was a cooperative effort by Aemond, Larys, and Criston - good work, fellas!)

-her belief that she could, if nothing else, at least protect her daughter (huge emotional pillar for her)

And if we look at her prior actions putting Aegon on the throne and protecting him with her life - both fit within those structures she had mentally and emotionally which this season ripped down.

I think the final one was the thing that took it over the edge, though -- the prospect of Helaena being used and hurt and destroyed as a person -- kind of like how degrading Aemond and his connection to his long-term sex worker was his final straw that made him want to kill and supplant his brother Aegon.

People keep pushing each other too far this season. Taking out the last thing that stands between them and a radical change. Pushing people until they're willing to lose things just to break the current dynamic.

Dae/mon pushes Rhaenyra too far, then the entire war does and she "breaks bad" in 2x07 (see my meta linked below for more on my pov on that); Aegon pushes Aemond too far; and the entire group of "green men" systematically pushes Alicent too far.

All the while, she had that offer from earlier in the season, when Rhaenyra risked everything to come speak to Alicent in her mind. She was mulling over it and thinking of what she could have said, should have said. At the same time, however, Rhaenyra was moving away from being that person [my meta argument on that here]. So the person she finally comes to make peace with isn't the same as she was in the Sept. And once again they tragically can't get on the same page. It does all fit together, even with issues in the writing.

And writing on Alicent's arc simply isn't as uneven as people are saying - the theme of people pushing each other too far and how they showed the pillars of Alicent's support crumbling were both clearly done.

And, yes - Alicent still has feelings for Rhaenyra and as all of this has been happening she's been having a midlife crisis and wishing she had just run away with her first love when they were girls. But that isn't her sole motivation!! It's just what comes spilling out of her because of the state she's in. It creates an appealing alternative to the hell she's living in at the Red Keep. But it wasn't THE single motivating factor.

On a show where fathers have behaved truly monstrously--up to and including their selfishness setting this civil war in motion to begin with--it's fascinating that people refuse to believe a mother can be pushed too far. That kinslaying and slaughtering whole cities and rejecting and humiliating her and threatening to mentally torture her daughter until she breaks wouldn't change her mind about her priorities.

The "green" side becomes owned by Aemond, a wilful (as far as she knows; I'm speaking of her pov here) kinslayer moral reprobate who is violent to his sister and wants to force her to do things that will break her mind. Alicent cannot expect that Aegon will be able to stop him. That's what the side is now, as far as she knows. And she thinks he's a monster who must be stopped, at any cost. That's why she told Rhaenyra "we both know what he is" about Aemond in the Sept. WHAT not who. Things like kinslaying and slaughtering smallfolk mean something to her. And her daughter is everything to her.

Team Green overall took her for granted and thought she'd always be their doormat, and Helaena too. And Alicent finally had enough. Again, given how monstrously the fathers on this show behave, I think they "showed their work" on her radical change of heart well. It's just some people believe nothing can ever justify a mother betraying her sons and I think that makes total sense, given everything.

Honestly, once Helaena was on the chopping block, it would have been out of character for Alicent *not* to do everything--destroy anything--to protect her daughter. She feels like protecting Helaena is the only good thing she's ever done in her life.

People can dislike the ending. It's always valid to dislike something in a story, it's fine. But disliking it doesn't mean it wasn't built up solidly, narratively speaking. The writers put a lot of work and narrative space into it, actually--this was one of the most developed parts of s2!--and weaving it into the season's larger theme of characters pushing each other to the breaking point.

[butterflydm]

2x7 - daes dae'mar (more thoughts)

I threw some thoughts out last night before I went to sleep because they were bouncing around in my brain and I wanted to get them down but I wanted to expand on some of that this morning.

Two things we were told in 2x1:

every choice has consequence(s)

alone, we are exposed but, together, we can be a shield wall

We have seen a lot of consequences coming to roost on people's heads this season. One that seems to have surprised a lot of viewers is that we are seeing big consequences from Moiraine and Lan's twenty years of secrecy. Which is both things wrapped up together - the choices they've made have isolated them. While in some cases that's a good thing (Liandrin knowing about the Dragon Reborn hunt would have been very bad!), they've also now had two different Sisters willing to go against Tower law in order to help them (Verin & Alanna).

Choices and consequences.

Moiraine lets Rand go at the Eye of the World in 1x8 -> it takes her until 2x4 to find him again, and it's only after one of the Forsaken has already been manipulating him for months.

Moiraine hides her weaknesses and fears even from the people she loves most -> the people that she loves worry about her intentions. Lan had to go on an entire season-long journey to come to terms with being shut out of Moiraine's head; Siuan has only just learned that Moiraine has been lying to her by omission for six (!) months. (Siuan has just as much right to be angry over this as Rand's loved ones have to be angry with him over lying about being dead imo)

Lan keeps Moiraine's secrets at any cost -> Alanna, Ihvon, and Maksim note his shady behavior and are worried that he's a Darkfriend.

I find both Alanna's worry in 2x5 and Siuan's worry in this episode to be incredibly reasonable reactions to the actual information they had been given (or not given).

Not telling the people you love what you're afraid of or about your failures creates separation (one of the themes of the season). It happened with Moiraine and Lan, and now it's happened with Moiraine and Siuan.

So Siuan has, for the last six months, believed that Moiraine was in control of the situation with Rand. Siuan sent Logain to Cairhien so that he could teach Rand and otherwise has been hands-off, trusting Moiraine to do what was needed to be done. And she just found out that this appears to have been a huge mistake - the Dragon has no control over his power, enough so that Siuan was able to easily shield him. He's barely been taught at all. And at the end of the episode... Moiraine feels betrayed because Siuan used her Oath against her; Siuan feels betrayed because Moiraine help the Dragon break out of Tower control using the help of one of the Forsaken. Even if you strip away Siuan wondering if Moiraine is a Darkfriend/Black Ajah (and given that she straight-out accuses Moiraine of lying, Siuan must be wondering if Moiraine is BA), Moiraine's actions look terrible. Especially since I'm assuming Moiraine didn't mention Lanfear in any of her letters either.

Rafe mentioned that one of the priorities about this season was making sure that the stage would be set for The Shadow Rising and I definitely am feeling that way in this plotline especially. We've just set up the fault lines that will lead to the coup and we've set up chaos in Cairhien.

Choices and consequences.

Rand leaves his loved ones behind, cutting his past life off behind him -> leaving him incredibly emotionally vulnerable when 'Selene' comes to call on him. We are still seeing the consequences of that initial choice unravel. His choice to try to strike it out alone has meant that he has no clue what he's doing.

Mat stays behind at the Waygate, confirming to himself that he's a coward -> again, this opens the door to emotional vulnerability. Something that both Liandrin and now Ishamael are taking full advantage of, pressing on that button of self-loathing in the hopes that it will break, and Mat will break with it.

This season has been making it clear, over and over, that it is a choice to be united, not something that happens by default. You don't have to come with me; you don't have to stay; you don't have to help. Nynaeve tells this to both Egwene and Elayne; in a reversed way, Elyas tells this to Perrin (you can come with me instead of helping your friends who were captured); Rand tells this to Mat.

Moiraine has spent all season trying to make it impossible for Lan to stay by her side, because she believes that she can't protect him without her powers. But that's Lan's choice, not Moiraine's. This fight is his too, not just hers. We see this echoed in Anvaere's storyline -- Moiraine doesn't even know that her life was threatened! She doesn't know that Anvaere destroyed all her hopes and dreams of the future, and of her son's future, to save Moiraine's life. And Anvaere did this in the full belief that Moiraine doesn't love her (which I don't think is true, but Anvaere absolutely believes it). Anvaere will lose everything and gain nothing out of this... except that she is doing the right thing.

It matters to Anveare that she does the right thing, even if it costs her dearly. Even if it costs her everything.

And this is exactly what Siuan does too -- I love that both Siuan and Moiraine make extremely terrible choices because they believe those choices are necessary to save the world -- which ties them into what Renna tells Egwene this episode in a fascinating way. We are definitely getting our Rand & Egwene parallels in 2x6 & 2x7!

Doing the right thing is a choice. But it's a choice that you need accurate information in order to make good decisions about. Lan did a lot of fact-finding recently, and what he learned helped him parse out what 'the right thing' was in the cloud of possible right things.

Nynaeve actually said something like this, back during 1x7 -- Moiraine has already made her choice, now it's time for the Two Rivers' group to make theirs. She does not get to make it for them. And that's what we're seeing this season. We're seeing all of these other players on the board making their choices (and seeing how information, or lack of information, informs those choices).

(which also ties into the theme of cages and freedom; we have to be given the freedom to make choices. Which ties into... well, something that is more spoilery than my tag, so I will stop there.)

[k-odyssey]

well, hello, i come to you from my bed, which i haven't left much in the past 3 centuries days. i was the first from work to go on holiday, but not before catching a virus from my boss, so summer strike was a welcome distraction! of course, it did a 180 and *spoiler alert* murdered a beloved character on me but, it's still not nearly as violent as the other thing i'm watching (bad and crazy).

i thought, isn't it so nice that grandma is taking yeo reum in as her own? how lovely, she and bom are officially sisters now!! it was indeed too nice. life is so unfair to them. yeo reum was ready to take off at the first sign that she was unwanted, and this happened.

the preview confirms that the murderer isn't who we thought. this drama gives me a lot to think about in terms of family, guilt... between bom's father and geun ho.

with bom, she shouldn't even have had to make that choice for her family while recovering in hospital. but i didn't feel like the drama was saying she was in the wrong for wanting to say the truth (her dad hurt her), even if that would shatter her family. rather, i felt it showed all of the pressure she was under. it was clear that she wasn't making a decision for herself, it was a decision she was making for the family. irl i would hope the hospital would contact the police and the matter would be investigated...

tbh even if i get that this is a different cultural norm, the pervasive stories of parents (usually mothers) ready to defend their children at all costs, no matter what they're accused of, i find very unsettling. grandma was always protecting her son, even if he hurt others. even if they were loved ones.

and for geun ho, it's not even the fact that his parents are convinced of his innocence, since they're apparently right about that, it's the way they treat others. by all means, get a lawyer, talk to the press... why are you dragging a witness to your house to make her sign a petition... your son may not have killed grandma, but he did hurt yeo reum.

i mean, there is a way not to turn your back on your child, while acknowledging the suffering of others. but these mums do seem like they treat their sons as an extension of themselves and can't distance themselves. part of me wonders if they'd do the same for a daughter.

but yeah. the scene from the pics with jae hoon was lovely. yeo reum really does have this big sister vibe, even in the midst of the chaos. it's so comforting to hear that you'll always be welcome by someone, and especially meaningful when you feel that lonely.

i haven't even said anything about dae beom yet. he was kinda sinking in the background of ep10. the professor is 100% exploiting him without a care and i hate him so much. at least i'm glad that ji young realised what he had run away from and knew what to say to pull him out of his spiral, even if that involved yeo reum. also she realised seoul isn't all that so that's good.

for the record, i do love and enjoy this drama. but it's also not the simple escapism i was expecting. on the one hand, there's the relatable "can't stand this life, let me go away for a while" narrative with a cute romance and found family. on the other hand, there's generational trauma and the crushing weight of societal norms and me frequently wondering "isn't this this just misogyny?". also there's a crime.

[storytime-reviews]

XO, Kitty Season 1 TV Review

Yearning to feel closer to her late mother and surprise her long-distance boyfriend, Kitty sets her sights on attending a prestigious school in Seoul.

So I absolutely loved the To All The Boys I Loved Before film, whilst the books and other films were a mixture of good/average. I was interested to see how XO, Kitty would compare, although I didn’t think it would live up to my love for the first film, based on the fact that I always found Kitty a bit too annoying. Certainly there were aspects of the trailer that intrigued me, but I was right. Although not the worst part of the TATBILB universe, and an easy form of escapism, I just couldn’t connect to this series as much.

I won’t lie, I didn’t always find it easy to connect with and like Lara Jean, but Kitty was a completely different level for me. A lot of her character quirks are things I find personally annoying and can’t stand in people in real life, not to mention all of the second hand embarrassment from the often ridiculous choices she makes. I’m sure plenty of people find Kitty fun and relatable, but not me, and so much of her persona made it a difficult watch for me. Her boyfriend Dae I similarly didn’t care for, but for different reasons. He was either boring, or I just felt bad for him. I couldn’t find myself caring for him the way I did other characters, so I was quite happy with the decision Kitty made in the end.

On the other hand, I absolutely loved Yuri and Min Ho. Their characters were interesting and felt multi-dimensional in a way that the others weren’t ��� perhaps this is due to them initially being presented as mean and spoiled rich kids – until we delve more into their life and personalities. I actually enjoyed getting to know them more and watch them develop as characters. I just felt that same level of character development wasn’t necessarily represented in the others. Q was also a fun character to watch, although I didn’t love him like Yuri and Min Ho.

What particularly stood out to me in XO, Kitty is how chaotic the narrative and characters are, particularly in the last episode. Perhaps this is a sign that these stories are no longer for me, although I would probably still watch a season 2 for the characters I enjoy. I just felt that the final episode had a lot going on, particularly with the constant love interest changes, that felt very messy and unnecessary. Of course there was build up to these moments throughout the season, however I felt that the way they were handled in the end was too much at once. I know others who disagree with me, which is fine. Probably an age thing. I enjoyed Kitty’s changing dynamics with Min Ho and Yuri the most and am looking forward to seeing how this progresses in a second season. I think there was just more of a maturity there than her relationship with Dae. And not going to lie, I spent most of my time wanting to see an enemies to friends to lovers arc between Kitty and Min Ho. I’m a sucker for that trope and all of the associated banter.

Whilst the love story is one aspect of the narrative, another important part of XO, Kitty is her search to connect more with her late mother. I just felt that too often this part of the storyline took a back seat, and when it was at the forefront, it was far from the most engaging part of the overarching narrative. I did however enjoy finding out the truth about the adopted baby, and how everyone at KISS was connected.

[lakeofsilverpike]

Read what an anon said about 2x07 between Moiraine and Siuan.

Most people are going on about what Siuan did was wrong and blah blah. I agree with the anon that something is up with them in 2x07. I saw the theory floating along on a sister blog about it all having been a ruse and especially with the title of the episode being daes daemar. After thinking about it (and knowing noooothin about the books though that hardly matters considering they can have permission to change whatever they want… whether people like it or not) I happen to agree.

I can’t remember the name of the blog but that anon pointed out a few things and even if it is a distant hope, I am there for it.

Moiraine and Siuan have been on this ride together for a while. They know how to communicate. The anon pointed out that every disagreement (their version of a shouting match) happens in front of Rand who doesn’t trust Moiraine fully. But boy does he trust her after seeing ALL that happens between Moiraine and Siuan who disagree and argue but don’t say all that much (especially about what they are to each other). Siuan says « from now on I row beside you » and then « it is time I met Rand whatever » and cut. We see nothing about their conversation

L’an figuring out Moiraine is shielded and not stilled is mighty convenient, just in the same episode the Amrylin (Siuan)is there?

Moiraine and Siuan talk about how Moiraine’s way failed….in front of Rand. The only other way is the 3000 year old laws to shield him…..also in front of Rand. Then hey presto Moiraine contemplates what to do now, how do we get away from the big bad wolf…..Rand opens up: Falme and……Lanfear. Well what a wooooonderful bit of timing that was.

Season 3 hopefully will give us the answers but I also am now convinced that Siuan using the oath was with Moiraine’s permission. It’s wonderful how we all interprete these scenes differently. I don’t see hurt or the betrayal from your beloved. I see Rand seeing the one he for sure doesn’t trust forcing the one he now fully trusts to do something against her will.

I haven’t watched the final episode yet and one thing I will be looking for is to see whether Moiraine is at all worried whether the love of her life, basically her wife of 20 years, is dead or alive. The same person’s name who she uttered when she was poisoned, almost dying. Or maybe a rant or a comment about how she can’t believe Siuan betrayed her. That’s what I want to know about.

My bubble is firm but you can poke at it, don’t burst it though as it flies towards lalaland

I honestly am not sure. Though I lean towards it was not arranged between them. At the end of the day, the most painful reading is that both Moiraine and Siuan chose the world over each other. I think that’s something that they can easily forgive each other for because they both make the same choice (and making that choice is part of why they love each other so much - they are two people willing to sacrifice their happiness for the fate of the world). I don’t think that either of their actions at the end of 2x07 would prevent Moiraine and Siuan from being together again (and like immediately running into each others arms and being so relieved and happy to be together). I don’t love the ending because it felt like slightly unnecessary interpersonal drama, but honestly, fine with me as long as they are back together relatively soon. I’ll life with a brief separation/conflict if I get to see them actually interacting and being together before the end of the show.

[myenemystolvrs]

April 2021

completed fics that i read this month.

~read the tags~

▶ more than 1 chapter

Sasunaru

1. Left in the Past (Rewrite the Future) by Lohrendrell [T, 20K, 2ch]

“By pure chance, Naruto comes across a little book. It has no title, no author, not even a signature, but it does contain long lost memories of a romance that could have been. He can’t help being drawn to the story on those pages, neither could he imagine how much finding the journal would influence his own life.“

2. Idioms and Idiots by cyberflamingo  [E, 53K, 10ch]

“The transfer student is a country hick—which is just a nice way of saying he doesn’t belong in the private boarding school where Sasuke has calculated his life’s trajectory. It’s fine if the idiot steals all his friends, it's absolutely bearable if he’s forced to partner up with him in gym class, and it's definitely not a problem at all that his dorm room is right next door.

But joining the soccer team where Sasuke is team captain? That’s where he draws the line.

And if Naruto could stop calling him a pussy, that would be great.”

3.  A World of Truth by luchia  [E, 23K, 10ch]

“The world is trapped in an illusion which removes anger, hate, and death. It's paradise, giving everyone everything they've ever wanted and reviving anyone they've ever lost. Nearly two years into the illusion, Sasuke snaps back to his senses and must decide whether to keep the world in false bliss, or return it to war-torn reality.”

-------------------------------------------------------

▶ one shots

1. Almost, Not Quite, Us by xxjinchuurikixx [E, 34K]

“Sasuke gets an unexpected heat, and his oldest rival and once best friend Naruto is there for him.

“I promise I won’t… make things awkward.”

“It’s already kinda awkward, admit it.”

He relinquishes his hold on Naruto’s hand and sighs. “Alright, well then, I promise to be a very good omega and not claw your dick off.”

“Do omegas do that?”

“This one will.”

2. A Night of Poor Choices by KinomiAkai [E, 13K]

“Sasuke is sober, tired, and bitterly regretting letting his friends drag him out to a bar. At least he can pet this dog, though.”

3. Underwater by Dae [E, 12K]

“Sasuke didn't really need therapy, but he figured he'd give it a try. It wouldn't have been so bad if the annoying blonde didn't keep showing up with his damn crosswords and magazines and stupidly attractive smile and bright blue eyes.

Whatever.”

4. Adoption by Defenestration; or, A Family Can Be A Fox Demon, Its Jinchuuriki, and Three Dozen Highly-Trained Assassins by elumish [T, 4K]

“He will not be the ANBU who let the jinchuuriki plummet to his death out a fourth story window. Let that be another ANBU’s legacy.”

5. How Naruto and Sasuke Became Friends by prettypriestess [T, 5K]

“The heavens have chosen the accidental kiss as their running gag.”

6. head spinning thinking about this boy by sausegay [T, 10K]

“Sasuke continues, “it’s different when it’s your best friend you’re trying to ask out.”

“You sound like you speak from experience.”

Sasuke takes a moment to respond, gaze shifting to a spot over Naruto’s shoulder then back to his eyes. “Just casual observation.”

or where sasuke has a really bad crush on naruto and he thinks it's unrequited until he finds out it isn't. featuring soccer practices, cheer stunts, a shared bento, and other events taking place over the course of a school term.”

7. on the verge of things like truth, things like love by PurpleClouds_001 [M, 16K]

"Whatever I've done Hinata, I assure you I'm sorry"

She laughed again, bitterly "You must say that a lot" then she caught her cruel tone and blushed "I'm sorry, I mean, you don't even know what you're apologizing for"

"I've done a lot of things I need to be sorry for, I've learned not to ask"

or... Naruto has died, so Hinata and Sasuke talk for the first time.”

8. Funny Way to Fall by Atanih88 [E, 9K]

“Naruto's favourite late night customer has a set of wings. Yeah. Big ones.”

[rosemaries-shroom]

So you got out, did they get out? Could explain a lot about them honestly

If they admitted to not being mature why stay with them? /genq asking because of the child response, if they went along with your own plan they must have had a reason to go along with it instead of saying no, could they say no to you without any bad consequences?

I'm trying to get both sides of the story before I judge this person tbh, I'm trying to find their blog and only one post matches any of yours

They haven't yet, they have more people who could support them with their move though. Up until a month ago it, we didn't have any support close by.

They could tell us no if they wanted to, they have before even though they'd claim otherwise. We have abandonment issues, literally the only people in our life who have ever acted like we exist was our stepmom and dad(though as a child it *felt* different) So letting go of someone, even of they hurt us isnt something we can easily do.

It took 10 years for us to finally be away from our actual abuser. Im going to make this clear again because i *was* angry for a while but the ex we've beej talking about? Aint the same person, we were both traumatized people and both reacted traumatized towards each other.

They went along with it because Des was the only person who could stay in front and they kept acting like *everyone* wanted to leave when it was maybe 1/3 of the people here. They went along with it because they thought it's what everyone here agreed with

I don't know why everyone keeps wanting to judge just them when it's not like I haven't been blasting our own toxic parts (including me as well)

The reason for our anger and the reason it came out in such a dumpster fire was because it literally could have been avoided. We don't blame them for how they acted, I'm gonna call it what it is but I don't blame them. We made the mistake of assuming when they admitted to not being as mature that it was something they wanted to work on as well. Because the immaturity from both sides had been causing issues. We shouldn't have assumed, that's on us

But seriously, this ain't something to judge

Neither of us were doing well, neither of us were acting maturely all the damn time but *we put in the effort to work on it*

And every time, they still reacted the same way and we'd get pulled into it. Cause while we may have been learning how to do this shit, we still got triggered.

It was a bad end to what had been a good relationship, I'm angry at the lies and bullshit they put us through but I ain't angry at them. Never have been. I'm angry at our actual abuser for the shit he gave us to work through. I'm angry at the fact that we were both too traumatized to walk away before things got this far. I'm angry at us for not seeing how this shit had been hurting Dae for so long. But I don't blame them, I don't judge them, I write out the shit because I know there are others who need to hear that shit too

Including us.

And they deleted their blog, I would too honestly and I *was* really harsh towards them but at that point I could not care anymore. I reacted in a traumatized way to something they didn't mean to be harmful but it still was.

This ain't a who hurt who more or who's more justified

This is don't tell your partner to better themselves and agree to better your own self if you're not going to fucking do it. Because in their choice to do so, their trauma responses started to trigger us and nobody could walk away and that ain't on them for having the responses

-c

[ryu-skies]

past

Ren asks about Zane one night. (1.5k)

“So… Zane was your ex,” Ren starts and C noticeably tenses, not too happy about the mention of his ex-boyfriend. Ren waits for C to respond and shut him down or allow the topic to continue. C sets the crust of his pizza onto his plate, brushing idly at his napkin.

“Um… yeah. How do you know his name?” C glances at Ren for a moment before his eyes flick away.

“You said it that day when you got really drunk.” Ren starts to regret his choice of mentioning Zane when he realizes how uncomfortable C is. “I was just wondering about him, but we don’t have to talk about it. I don’t want to make you relive anything you’re trying to move past.”

C nods, thinking silently about how he wants to go forward. Ren is trustworthy and he’s the one who wants to know, so surely it wouldn’t do any harm sharing a bit of information. C leans back against the edge of the couch, looking at Ren again. “It’s okay. It’s probably better to talk about him so I can finally move on. What did you want to know?”

“The basics, I guess. His age, job. How did you meet?” Ren also sits back, getting comfortable next to C and turning his attention towards his friend. C gnaws at his lip but doesn’t stop the conversation.

“Don’t judge me, okay,” he prefaces, giving Ren a look.

Ren blinks, shaking his head. “I would never.”

“We met at a bar, he bought me a drink… Nothing too crazy.” It’s a lie, but Ren didn’t need to know about the arrangement or the money. Not now. “He was a CEO of some big name company… and he was 42.”

Ren’s jaw drops at the reveal of Zane’s age—C dated someone 17 years older than him?

“Ren,” C glares and Ren shuts his mouth, apologizing. “I told you not to judge. I got charmed by some stupid older rich guy, it’s really not that shocking.”

“Was he hot?” Ren blurts out. There’s no way C would date and sleep with someone less attractive than him. Ren chooses to believe he set the standard pretty high back in college.

“I mean he wasn’t ugly… so yes? Why is that even relevant? You saw the pictures, make your own conclusion.” C’s cheeks turn pink and Ren feels himself blush as well, feeling caught.

“Sorry, sorry. Did you… develop the drinking habit because of him?”

It’s a sudden shift to a more loaded question and C exhales, looking away. “Kind of. I, um… I would go out to clubs and get drunk as an escape. I don’t know what I was thinking, but at the time it was better than being at home with Zane.”

Ren is quiet for a moment too long and C glances back at him, stuttering.

“B-But I don’t do that anymore! I’m not—that’s not me. You know that’s not who I am.”

Ren reaches out to pat C’s knee, squeezing lightly. “I’m not judging you, C… But if you did that often enough for it to become a habit it must’ve been pretty bad with him, huh?”

C grits his teeth, thinking back to all the times he’d argue with Zane and all the terrible ways each one ended in. Ren is smart and too observant, but C tries to cover it up anyway. “It wasn’t that bad.”

“C, did he—”

“I said it wasn’t that bad.” C cuts Ren off, a hard boundary drawn. Ren retracts his hand.

“Got it.”

They sit in a bit of an awkward silence, both unsure of where to go from there. C made it clear he didn’t want Ren to push so he didn’t, ready to back off completely.

“Um, we lived together.” C continues, shifting the conversation about Zane into a less touchy territory. “I’ve never lived with someone before that.”

“Yeah? I mean, I’ve only lived with Dae and I’m sure that’s completely different than living with someone you’re dating.” C laughs and Ren relaxes a little, glad the tension has calmed down. “What was your place like?”

“It was his. A big penthouse on the highest floor of the building. Something I’d never be able to afford even if you and I put our life savings together.”

Ren gives the thought of a shared bank account with C two seconds to linger in his mind—it’s nice to imagine, but he doesn’t let his mind wander.

“It was actually a really nice place if I separate it from all the memories of Zane. There were these giant windows and you could see the city perfectly at night, all the lights and everything. And there was a huge tub, the temperature controlling kind that only rich people can afford.”

“Really? I don’t know, I feel like you could buy one of those after saving for 5 years, maybe.”

C smiles again, that pretty carefree smile Ren chases, but it melts into something more bittersweet too soon. “The place never felt like home, though. Even if the two of us were both there it always felt kind of cold and empty… He told me I didn’t have to renew my lease here but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I felt like I needed to keep my apartment as a backup just in case, and thank god I did. I was kind of hesitant to move in in the first place, actually.”

“You didn’t feel that excitement?”

“I did for a moment but I was more nervous than anything. It wasn’t like…” C peeks at Ren, hesitant. “Stop me if this gets weird.”

“Okay.”

“You know that week we spent together in college? The first week of winter break before you flew home where you stayed at my apartment. We were together everyday for the first time, falling asleep and waking up together…”

Ren’s heart races at the memory, a time that was so long ago but still felt so recent. He remembers those feelings at their full intensity, the excitement, the happiness, the taste of a life together. He knows exactly what C is going to say next.

“It wasn’t like how it felt with you.” C meets Ren’s eyes and turns his head away quickly, the tips of his ears red. “S-Stop staring at me like that! I’m not hitting on you, I swear! It’s just that you—”

“—That I know the feeling.” Ren smiles fondly, also turning his head away from C. He presses a hand against his cheek, feeling the heat on his face. All from a simple memory. “I get it, C.”

Ren looks back at C and finds him looking worried.

“You know, I think it’s okay if we talk about us too. We dated, we were in love. We have history and we should be okay with talking about it. I don’t feel awkward bringing up our past and you shouldn’t either.”

C visibly relaxes at that. “I guess you have a point… It’d be weird if we never talked about it or were too scared to do so… It’s not like we have feelings for each other now, anyway.”

Ren knows C is right but it still hits him like a knife, right where he keeps the lingering feelings for C that have never once left him. He nods instead. “Yeah. It’s a part of us and our friendship.”

His response is worth the smile from C he’s rewarded with, but once again it’s gone too soon.

“I’m really sorry, by the way. I never properly apologized for breaking things off with you so suddenly. I was young and stupid, but it upsets me to think about the hurt I caused you. I should’ve talked to you after and given you some closure. You were so good to me back then and I was so selfish.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Ren nudges C’s shoulder with his knuckles. “Clearly I survived and forgave you, otherwise I wouldn’t be here. There’s no point in feeling bad about something in the past.”

“But—”

“It’s okay, C. Really.” This time Ren draws the line and C accepts it, arguing no further.

“…Thanks, Ren. I’m happy you’re here.”

Ren hums, looking away from C. There’s a question on the tip of his tongue, but he’s not sure he wants to know the answer—it slips out anyway.

“Did you love him?”

“H-Huh?” C asks with a stutter but Ren doesn’t repeat himself, knowing he heard clearly. He waits and C stares down into his lap, voice soft when he finally speaks. “…Yes.”

Ah.

Ren doesn’t know why it hurts. It all logically makes sense, C loving a man he dated for over a year, a man he lived with and spent time with and slept with, but it hurts anyway. Maybe because it took C so long to return the sentiment in college when they were together, or maybe because C still looks back and says he loved a man who clearly wasn’t good for him. Either way it hurts, but C doesn’t need to know.

“That’s nice,” Ren says instead, turning to C with a small smile. “I'm sorry it didn’t work out.”

C shrugs, head leaning back against the couch.”It was for the better.”

[guardiandae]

OKAY it’s time for that write up about my trip to Boston

aka Why I’m Glad I’m Still Alive and also Dae Makes Bad Life Choices And Needs To Be Grounded :c 

(long, long post)

okay so, my friend H takes a trip down to Boston every year to visit her friend D who goes to college there. She invited me to go a few days beforehand, and as luck would have it I managed to arrange to have Friday & Saturday off work, and Sunday closing shift, so I could make it down there and back.

Of course, I had a runny nose and stuff beforehand... and then the night before (Thursday night, I think) I had a really hard time at work bc I felt feverish... I got home and my temp went up from 99.6 (which is already 100% a fever for me, my temp runs low) to 101.3 during the night. I kept waking up every three hours, and I had to get a bag of ice to press against my head. I went to bed early but slept in longer than I expected so I got like 13 hours of sleep and felt a lot better in the morning, aside from a sore throat. Actually, my throat does this fun thing where from time to time, it will close up on me and I can’t breathe. It can happen even from drinking water. So I took cough syrup and my throat closed up. Yikes. No more cough syrup for me, just cold & flu tablets! I can’t remember the other incident, maybe I drank something harsh, but I remember it did that twice, two times in two days. So, yeah. Gotta be careful what I drink with this sore throat.

Friend wants me to spend Friday night at her house so we can leave at 3am Saturday. So I go to H’s house, with her boyfriend T. My throat is like, raw as fuck. We hang out, they pack, and we all take a nap before we leave. I get like another 3 hours of sleep, then we all get up and hit the road.

We pick up T’s friend, S.  My friend H keeps trying to hook me up with S despite the fact that I am 1. gay 2. asexual 3. not interested in douchebags. And she’s been teasing me about the fact that, S and I will have to share a bed at the hotel. My god. Mind you, the plan she has in Boston is to take me to a strip club and I’m like, sdgkdfkgjd. No? Maybe. No.

We stop at a gas station and I get myself a big powerade for my RAW AS FUCK throat. Swallowing is seriously painful at this point. My friend swaps seats to sit beside me in the back, so now T and S are in the front. THEY FUCKING START CHAINSMOKING ALL THE WAY DOWN. So they have their windows cracked, freezing cold air pouring in, secondhand smoke making my eyes water and lungs burn, all the way down. Maybe at most they would stop for two minutes and then, boom, another FUCKING cigarette. On top of that, they listened to really gross rap music on the way down, like violent, sexually-explicit, drug-endorsing songs that were just honestly annoying lyrics aside, total crap, lol.

My friend and I show each other memes (she pronounces it me-me and I think it’s too funny to correct her) all the way down. We arrive at her friend D’s campus at about 6am. He has keys to all the buildings and has to make rounds, so we’re going to walk with him all across his campus.

D is a really interesting dude. My friend H told me, “he’s a bible-thumper” beforehand and I was like, eh. great. But he’s this 40-ish year old guy going to a religious college studying to be a minister. He’s super friendly and considerate as soon as we meet him. It’s 6am in January, fairly warm considering the time of year, but I’m still in just my hoodie and SICK, so while I was kind of excited for the experience, my body is so not. We’re going from building to building, up flights of stairs and back down again, and I am wheezing. My voice is pretty rough at this point too.

But let’s talk about the school, and the setting, because... I love it.

In Maine (my state) the trees here are mostly pines, maples, oaks, etc.

But in Boston, I’m not sure what kind of trees they might be, but my gosh. It’s a grey, chilly day (my favorite weather 100% honestly, too bad I was sick) and the trees are bare. Their branches are all twisted in different directions, like the fingers on an old man. Ever seen those kind of forests from creepy horror movies? They are just like that and it’s absolutely gorgeous. Most of the buildings on campus are very old, so some of them still have old fashioned latches, like the thumb-latches in my grandfather’s house.

The other thing I really loved about the campus, is that the students attending are actually very liberal and diverse, despite the religious focus. As D put it later, the other three people in our group, H, T, and S, doubled the population of straight (and cis) students by being on campus. Haha.

Anyway, I survive running around campus, and then we head down to catch the Green Line subway into town. At this point, I really wish I had realized we were going to be gone from the car for several hours, because I would've at least grabbed my hat. :c

This is the first time I've ever been on anything like a subway and I'm so glad that we had D with us to be our guide, because it was so confusing. The car was packed with people because of the Women's March going on. I don't know how this compares to other subways, but this went pretty fast and had a lot of hills and turns, and with every change in momentum I'm hanging onto the rail for dear fucking life trying not to fall over. My friend H has a lot of anxiety, especially around crowds of people, and riding this subway itself, so she is SHAKING and trying really hard to just hold on and get through the ride, and so am I. We get off a big station and decide to go up and walk the rest of the way instead of waiting for the next car, because my friend and I are curious to see the march going on.

We ended up walking around a lottt down all of these different side streets. H, T and S wanted to find a big tall building to go all the way to the top floor and take pictures, so we kept trying to enter different buildings at random, and most of them were locked and one we were politely told to leave, lol.

The whole walking around event was kind of more random than planned... we ended up at Bruins arena which I think was my friend's only actual goal, so she could buy her brother a gift. We saw tons of protesters everywhere and I got one of the pink hats from a nice lady who brought extras. But after that, our wandering was pretty aimless. We headed towards Boston market (still trying to find tall buildings) and accidentally stumbled onto the Holocaust memorial.

H and I were like 'oh... damn' and of course, I had to go in. The memorial consists of four towers made of panes of glass, with steam inside rising up. When I walked into the first one, the panes of glass had quotes from survivors of the Holocaust written on both sides in side, and on every single pane of glass, going up to the sky, there were the serial numbers the nazis tattooed onto people. I took a few pictures, but once I entered that first tower I put my phone away because it just didn't feel right. We walked through and read each quote... I was trying not to cry because the two guys with us (D excluded) were pretty douchey and I wasn't sure they even would, y'know, care. But when I read one of the quotes about the homosexuals being put into the death camps, I definitely cried and I was like, yeah. This is why we fight. This is why we can't stop fighting.

When we left, H was pretty shaken too (the quotes about children were the ones that got to her the most, I think) and D suggested that we head to the farmer's market to try to lighten up the mood. While we were walking there, S decides to ask a question, in a suspiciously condescending tone of voice, "I wonder what the founding fathers would think about all of this."

The rest of us were like, ???  "Think about what?"

S: "You know, the protests that are going on right now."

Guys, my voice was half gone but you know I clapped back.

"They'd probably think that they're exercising their CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS??? What do you think the founding fathers did against the British???"

Then he said something about how, people keep pushing and pushing for more rights, and he thinks that's a bad thing because it just ends up dividing people into more and more different groups and takes away rights from others. At this point I was like, HOLY SHIT, this fucking white boy is one of those people who thinks that EQUAL RIGHTS means his rights are somehow being TAKEN AWAY from HIM. Like, you DO realize that my great-great grandmother and your great-great grandmother didn't have the fucking right to vote??? and in MY lifetime, I had to go fucking vote on my  right to get MARRIED??? It didn't take away SHIT from poor helpless straight white men, it just GAVE more people the SAME FUCKING RIGHTS. HOLY FUCK.

So anyway we headed on to the market area, checked out the Newbury Comics store and I was exciiited bc I found a cute pair of knee-high socks to buy (my new aesthetic). But while in pursuit of my knee-highs, I wandered too close to the Dick's bar, and at this point everyone was ready to drink/eat and had been searching for a bar for a while. There were sooo many to choose from, including really nice looking Irish bars, and historic old bars, which I actually wanted to check out. But which bar did we go to? The fucking cock-themed bar.

They ordered drinks. I just sat by them kind of uncomfortably bc everything is not only "I love dicks" but the mascot is a sleezy overweight balding man and the waitress makes fart jokes. Like. For real. But I'm watching the tv, making small talk with D (who is awesome) and H, while S and T get drinks and fries. Some guy brings his CHILD into this establishment, and is apparently very familiar with their theme bc he plays right along with the waitress's fart jokes like he sees her every Saturday or something. What the hell. Then the party at the opposite end starts putting on these huge condom hats made out of white paper. I can hear a child crying on the other side, maybe the same kid. Why the fuck. And then the waitress starts kind of badgering ME now, like, "Why are you just sitting there without a drink?" I tell her, in my really hoarse voice, "If I have any alcohol I'm pretty sure I will stop breathing" and she's just like "Well it's not like you can't have a water or a juice"  (me: where the fuck is there water or juice advertised ANYWHERE on this shitty menu??? also the food was ridiculously overpriced otherwise I would've been happy to order >_< )  and then I look over and realize that, S has already had two beers, but he JUST ordered a fucking THIRD. Now I'm angry and I tell my friend I don't wanna sit in this (shitty) bar all day, so I'm going to head to the comic store again.

Comic store is right across the street.... but... I'm legitimately pissed off right now, so as soon as I step outside I'm like, actually, lol, fuck off, bye, I'm gone.

And I just keep walking, back the way we came in. I sit down at a bench for a while, half thinking that D or H had followed me, but nobody had. So I'm like, cool, and contemplating actually buying a train ticket home if I had to. But I'm sick as fuck and my legs are killing me and my lungs are wheezing and it's cold and I know that no train goes all the fucking way home, so I'm like, :)))

I decided to go and see something that *I* wanted to see so I looked at my phone and saw the Samuel Adams statue was nearby. They texted me "where are you" and I told them Sam Adams (of course, knowing them they probably looked for a damn bar). But I got lost getting to the statue, lmao, bc it was RIGHT BESIDE ME and I was expecting something larger and headed towards a crowd of people instead. By the time I circled back, I hung up on like three phone calls and ignored several texts, just texted back again "sam adams" when they asked where I was. Took a picture of the statue, then sat down again and waited. Still more texts and calls to not respond to. Finally I was really annoyed but got up to go back to the bar and was thinking, if they aren't here, I'm fucking off again, lol. But they were there and ... my friend H was in tears.

Uh oh. Nice going, Dae.

I put my frustration aside and just fell back into step... she didn't talk to me for a little while. I felt like such an asshole. It was only later I saw some texts that hadn't come through then... half of them already had their phones dead, the others were almost dead, and they'd texted me that they were going to head to the car without me and pick me up in a couple hours. Of courese, my phone was low battery too. I almost fucking stranded myself in Boston, extremely sick, with no cellphone, please ground me.

We went back to the subway (there was another station right near to us, thankfully, so no long walk), and rode all the way back to our original station. Then we had to trek back UP the hill we came down from the campus... I was wheezing hard.

Everyone crashed in D's room for a while. I collapsed on the couch and they all went into the bathroom to smoke pot. I considered leaving to the car to get my phone charger but was like, if I do they'll probably think I bailed again. and then I could literally hear them talking about me, and S saying, "I bet when we come out, she'll be gone again" and I just... felt so angry at him but also like such an asshole bc I'm sick and having a miserable time when I WANT to have fun but instead I'm being a bitch and I can't help it. And they want to drink and get high and I don't like either of those things even when I'm NOT sick as a dog and barely able to breathe, so fuck no I'm not doing that, thanks.

I think after that we finally went to our hotel bc it was check in time (3pm). My friend had reserved the room but they wouldn't let her pay because her card didn't have her name on it, and the others only had cash, so I stepped up to put the room on my card. It made me feel better about being there at all, because they literally wouldn't have had a place to stay (this was a fairly long drive away from Boston).

We went out to eat and this is where S shows once again how much of an asshole he is...

I'm not sure WHERE this came from, but out of the blue while we're sitting in this restaurant, S says something like, "If a drunk girl tells me to fuck her and then she passes out, I can tap that without getting in trouble."

Yeah... I'm positive I didn't remember that right but the statement he made didn't make ANY sense.

All four of us (D, H, T, and myself) were like, ???? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. That is RAPE.

D and I start trying to explain, for one, UNCONSCIOUS = no, and two, in this hypothetical she gave her "consent" while drunk, and you cannot legally consent while drunk!

"But what if we're both drunk"

We're trying to explain that technically neither could consent, it's a risky situation, and then he goes,

"So what if my ex texts me and says 'come tie me up and have your way with me'."

D is like, "I can't even begin with how many variables there are in that situation."

Me: "It depends. Is she sober? Is it actually HER texting? Is she going to say no when you get there?"

S: "She'd have to prove that it wasn't her texting..."

We kept talking about this and trying to explain like, the limits of consent and finally T is like, "Why are we talking about this?"

D and I: "Because it came up and it's worth talking about! There are a lot of people who don't understand."

But anyway, we pretty quickly dropped the topic, but I cannot get over the fact that S randomly said that he'd fuck an unconscious woman. And I am expected to share a bed with him at the hotel.

I was super super pissed with S at this point like, this actual FUCKBOY, first he thinks that equal rights means his rights get taken away, now he's stated that he'd rape somebody?? like?? get the fuck away from me, permanently.

We had to drive D back to his room and it's dark outside now.

I haven't yet mentioned, but as beautiful as Boston is to walk around, the roads are crazy and driving is a fucking nightmare. There are some normal streets but almost everything connects directly onto a highway (at least where we were... and I'm not sure if highway is the right word bc fuck if I know anything about driving but they are SCARY multi-lane roads). The highways are like 4, 3, or 5 fucking lanes of people driving like there's no speed limit, cars constantly switching lanes and assholes flying past us.

All of that is scary enough, but worse is that:

- T is the one driving, because H is too scared to drive in Boston traffic. - T does not have a license. - The car's left blinker doesn't fucking work, so switching lanes to the left is a deathwish. - Did I mention the drinking and getting high? Yeah. - Also, the chainsmoking resumes and I am in fucking misery.

We manage to drop D off, and they had mentioned the fact that they HAVE the lightbulb for the back blinker, but didn't take the time to install is before leaving. D had mentioned that he could probably do it. So I'm like, hey, how about we do that?  D takes a look and realizes that it'd take some time to take apart, but he'd be able to do it with some assistance. T is like, nah it'd take some work, and I'm disheartened (bc I want this car to be as legal as fucking possible bc if we get pulled over I'm 100% sure that I'm fucked on getting home, best case scenario. Worst case scenario, I might charged with something just for being with these guys. Idk if that's even rational but honestly.) but they agree to just deal with it later.

We get back to the hotel and H and I decide to go swimming in the pool. It's honestly one of the highlights of the trip for me bc I rarely get to go swimming, so we enjoyed ourselves for a while, talking about how T and S were kind of annoying both of us. The guys were getting alcohol and stuff while we swam, and they drank some and then joined us. It was kind of funny bc H had worn her bikini bottom but also swim trunks over them, and S didn't have anything to wear to swim in, so she gave him her trunks. They fit him so tightly lmaoo. The guys were splashing around, goofing off, and at this point I'm less angry and more just like, letting it all go, I know I don't like S whatsoever, he's fucking dumb, but I don't want to be hostile and I'm trying as much as possible to not be a huge bitch and a wet blanket, so it's whatever. We joked around a lot, and had fun, and finally got out of the pool when it was closing. But it was really awkward bc they had to go to change and T had gone into the women's room with H so I had to stand outside and wait to change my clothes... and I could hear H yelling at him about... peeing wildly everywhere? Oh my god. I don't even wanna know. It was one of those moments where I was like, there is nudity beyond both of these doors and I am probably forever going to be not comfortable with that. It's kind of a bizarre and shitty realization that everyone else is on a different plane of existence. Like, I'm the weird one because I don't wanna see dicks flopping around. Huh.

Rinsed off, changed clothes, went back upstairs, blow dried my hair and flopped onto the bed. At this point, I'm physically worn down but.... not.... tired. So I'm not sure if I'm going to fall asleep. But they want to run around, and ask about the strip club plans, and my friend is like, "Dae said she didn't want to go" (which is true, I told her no because I'm very sick and felt uncomfortable about the whole idea anyway) but the guys are like, "You're killing us, we're not going?" and she's like, "Are we?" and I'm so sick and tired at this point that I'm like, "Actually yeah let's go" and get up and get dressed again, ready to impress, ready to jump in and see some ladies and titties and see how uncomfortable I feel about it all.

We get into the car, and all of us have been trying to see what the nearest strip club is... there really isn't one. What the nearest bar is... eh. We're trying to find something really close by, because the guys have been drinking and T has no LICENSE and the car blinker is broken so instead I'm like, "Where's the nearest Walmart?"  over 100 miles away jfc. "Where's the nearest target?" Less than a mile away. Awesome! My mood is UP bc we're going to Target, now this is my idea of a good time.

Yeah, no. My phone is a piece of SHIT and they refuse to even look at it, but their phone won't update fast enough while we're driving and we CAN'T FUCKING MERGE LEFT because we'll be killed in this traffic, so we have to go to the right. We see other stores and want to go to them, but the problem is, when we turned right we already missed that opportunity. And this road merges directly into a fucking interstate. And we cannot turn off of it. And now we are going 80 mph in the wrong direction and have to take the next off ramp.

For the next fucking 30 minutes at least, we are desperately trying to get our fucking phones to tell us where we are and where we need to go. Everything loops in circles, because of the highways and off ramps. We keep missing fucking turns and ending up in even more of a tangled mess. Our phones did not charge up much at the hotel and are on the verge of dying once again and we cannot fucking turn LEFT. T and S are getting frustrated, I'm convinced I'm going to fucking die, and H is having an anxiety attack, texting me like, "This is my car and if we crash everyone is going to get hurt and it's my fault" and I'm like... can we please fucking stop somewhere and just fix the fucking light.

By the time we finally make it back to where we belong, we just go straight to the hotel. So fucking much for strip clubs, or bars, or even Target. Fuck that noise. We aren't driving anywhere after all, we all agree on that and we're all really frustrated and stressed.

I ask again like, even if it takes a while we should really fix the light bc driving down to Mass we had the same problem, and we're going to keep having that problem until we fix it, but the guys are like, we'd have to take apart the whole back end, if it were a quick fix we'd have done it already. In the daylight it'll be okay, it's really just at night that's the worst because all they see is our tail lights, and a lack of left blinker means someone might get killed. So I'm like, alright and let it go.

We get snacks from the vending machines, and crash in the hotel room again. Despite all the hyped talk from the guys about drinking and drugs (seriously, S was like, "Let's go  get some ecstacy or heroin" before we left on that horrific ride, and H was like "UHHHH NO, NOT HAPPENING."  He also talked about forcing girls to choke on his dick, so if anyone was wondering if he learned anything from the Consent Discussion, the answer is, probably no. And people wonder why I have sex anxiety jfc.)

Thankfully, I crashed on one bed, and H, T, and S all crashed on the other bed... probably bc they didn't want to catch my germs tbh. I heard S saying "bacterial pneumonia" to his phone.

Sleep was... hellish. I woke up at 4am, SHAKING uncontrollably and had to turn up the heat for a while. I think I was running a fever so it didn't help me at all.. after that I had to press a cold drink against my forehead and didn't fall asleep again until 6am, and we all get up around 8:50am.

Btw, the hotel was pretty shitty... a bunch of ants were under my shoes at the indoor pool when I picked my shoes up... they were coming up from the vents because I guess I stepped in something sugary. H freaked out a bit. Then in our 3rd floor room, there was another of those ants on my pillow. Nice. The breakfast service was shitty. The only edible thing for me was the apple juice, the rest of it was awful cheap stuff. We went to burger king instead, which H had wanted for breakfast anyway. My voice was nearly gone at this point and I had to type my order onto my phone and let the cashier read it. The burger king was also super shitty lmao it was under construction but the bathrooms were just, awful and unkept. We realized we had to head straight home now in order to get back in time for everything H and I had to do, so we got straight onto the highway.

Once again... terrifying traffic, and the difficulty of merging to the left. Every time T had to merge, I had to close my eyes and post facebook statuses like "pray for me because I am going to die." At this point, T and S are like, "We should've just fixed the light before we left" and I am like, internally fucking screaming BECAUSE I SAID THAT ALREADY OH MY GOD. Also, CUE THE CHAINSMOKING AGAIN.

I got dropped off directly at my work a couple hours before my shift, and then worked my closing shift.

Remember, at this point I've had very little sleep and fevers every night since Friday... my voice is just a whisper, I spent hours walking around Boston, hours awake at night, I should be exhausted but I am wide the fuck awake. By the time I finally got home, I still didn't even fall asleep until almost 2am.

So yeah.... I'm not even sure how to summarize my trip to Boston and how it made me feel. Everything was really random and accidental. It took a long time for it to occur to me, holy shit I am in BOSTON, historic Boston, and should be taking pictures and seeing the Freedom Trail and actually interesting stuff like that, but it didn't seem to occur to any of us until the day we had to go back and H wwas like, "I wish I'd taken more pictures."  I wish I had too, especially of the march, but since I ws sick before I even left, I actually wasn't even aware that the marches were going on, I was completely out of the loop. It's something I was super excited about and would've never been able to go to normally, but somehow I accidentally happened to end up there at the right time.

In all it was, frustrating, miserable, beautiful, surprisingly nice and diverse, historic, terrifying, stupid, and extremely lucky. Lucky that we managed to arrange the trip on short notice, lucky that we didn't die on the way down, lucky that I happened to be there for a huge protest event that I was able to partake in at least a tiny bit, lucky that I didn't have to go to the strip club after all, lucky that we didn't get arrested, lucky that we made it back safely, lucky that I didn't chop S's dick off and shove it down his throat. I think I might've used up all of the luck for the next ten years, and I'm a bit frightened.

For those keeping score at home, 

Reasons Why Dae Needs to be Grounded:

- going on a trip with sketchy drug dealing wannabe-gangsters who are racist, transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic dumbasses - going on this trip while extremely sick - ditching my friend and the group while extremely sick, in a strange city, with all of our cell phones dying, and ignoring their calls - swimming in the pool while extremely sick (I broke the pool rules whoops) - getting BACK into the defective car with a driver who had been drinking and has no license, at night - going to work directly after this trip, while extremely sick - still trying to talk while my voice is 99% gone - not cleaning my room (it’s so messy help) - staying up late at night to type this instead of sleeping

and now my throat feels much better but I’ve 100% lost my voice and can only communicate through strained whispers and interpretive dance.

but I have tomorrow off and I plan to finally.... rest. 

assuming that I can even fall asleep.

[rantingcrocodile]

i’m bisexual and want to know DAE think it’s quite unfair how in radfem spaces a lot of lesbians really expect straight and bi women to become separatist and stop dating men. for bi women it’s unfair because we can’t control who we fall in love with, and for many of us it’s much harder to meet women interested in women than it is to meet men and so we don’t want to close ourselves off to whatever love we happen to find. and in this situation i think it’s actually an especially unfair expectation to hold straight women to because dating men is their only option...expecting them to be separatist and swear off men is expecting them to be alone their whole lives and live without any romantic love or connection. it’s all well and good to say that when you’re a lesbian and being separatist doesn’t come with the sacrifice of never falling in love or being in a relationship for the rest of your life. i just think it’s human nature for us to want that and no matter how many bad and dangerous men may be out there i don’t think i could fault straight and bi women for continuing to fall in love/look for love regardless. so to me it’s pretty hypocritical for so many lesbians in these spaces to suggest that straight and bi women aren’t true feminists for not being separatist when for us it actually comes with an emotional cost that they don’t have to consider. i think it would do some good for them to empathise a little more in this situation and think about whether if they too had to make the choice between romantic love & separatism would it really be so easy

There are some misconceptions here, because there are two kinds of separatism.

The first (and the one that makes sense that I support), is prioritising women, supporting women's local businesses, engaging in media starring and written by women and having women-only spaces to retreat from a misogynistic world in safety without men around.

The second is the kind of separatism that boils down to, "We need a women-only country to escape oppression," that doesn't make sense and will never work.

It's incredibly easy for people who don't have to give up anything to demand that others give up those things, because it doesn't affect them and there's no empathy. As long as they're fine, they don't care, and they simply want others to fall in line with them. There's automatic entitlement there.

The biggest problem with the second kind of separatism is that it does nothing to liberate women.

If 99% of women move to a women-only country where men are banned and there are no connections to any men at all, but 1% don't go because they love their father/grandfather/husband/son/brother/uncle/cousin/male best friend/etc, then that 1% will still be oppressed. That isn't liberation. That's "most women would be hiding from men" and would know that the second that any woman left the country, she'd be oppressed, and the country would always be in a state of fear that men might decide to invade and enslave women.

There's also a subtle hint that there's a belief that same-sex relationships between women are pure and perfect, when that just isn't the case at all.

It comes back to the point that class analysis is good for class analysis, but useless when it comes to interpersonal relationships. I also think it's a sign of being terminally online with little general real-world social interaction - or simply lying online to pretend to be "feminist" for some kind of weird attention-seeking reasons, honestly.

[cmcameron]

Favorite Webtoons that isn't Batman?

OOOOOOOOH! This one's a good one. XD Here's a list:

Morgana and Oz

"What happens when a struggling witch meets an angsty vampire? Either love or war. Morgana belongs to a long line of witches, and Oz to the rival vampire clan. After a chance encounter… and maybe a few stray spells… these two need to find a way to work together, or risk all-out war between coven and clan."

I love this comic, it's so cute. Colors are a 10/10 (you'll see a trend about me talking about colors).

Of Swamp and Sea

"When a monster hunt gone wrong sets two strangers on the same path, they discover their relationship may be more than strictly professional. Enter a world of dangerous beasts, dark magic, and perilous circumstance. When everyone has their secrets, the truth is as murky as the waters of the deepest swamp."

Love this comic's art style. A lot of the time Webtoons Creators use 3D backgrounds (which is 100% understandable, making webtoons are tough and anything you can do to make things go by faster I stand behind), but these mad lads are still drawing everything by hand. Colors are a 10/10

Eaternal Nocturnal

"The man of her dreams does exist… too bad she can’t fall asleep. When Eve is visited one night by a mysterious apparition, she finds that her chronic insomnia is miraculously cured. Meanwhile Dae, the dream eater, finds himself unexpectedly and unwillingly drawn to Eve. This can either be a dream come true or their worst nightmare."

Love the concept and how things are progressing so far!

Siren's Lament is also fantastic btw.

Lore Olympus

I'm currently fast passing these Episodes because I'm so desperate for content.

Suitor Armor

"Lady-in-waiting, Lucia believes getting through the royal wedding will be the toughest part of her new life. That is until she finds herself falling head over heels with Modeus, an up-and-coming knight to the king's guard. With her newfound interest, she is quickly awakened to the mysteries of the kingdom when she learns Modeus is in fact an enchanted suit of armor without a soul. Could there be more to him than just shining armor?"

God I remember Purpah doing a bunch of MSA stuff back in, 2012/2013 and I LOVED her color choices. I remember when she posted the first art piece with Modeus and thinking 'I reeeaallly want this to be a comic SO BAD' AND NOW WE HAVE IT AND IT'S A 10/10. Highly recommend.

Castle Swimmer

"What happens when your entire life is ruled by a prophecy – your future foretold by people you’ve never met, who died long before you were born. Such is the story of two young sea creatures. One believed to be a guiding light for his people, a Beacon who will lead them to a bright, prosperous future. The other is a teenage prince for who’s destiny is to KILL the Beacon so that HIS own people might thrive. When both reject the course set for them, it leads to a raucous adventure as big and unpredictable as the ocean itself – and a romance that nobody could have predicted."

I love the colors and backgrounds for this comic omg. YES.

Love Advice from the Great Duke of Hell

"The girl of your dreams barely knows you exist. Your friends can’t help. Your family is clueless. So where do you turn for love advice? Who can provide you with that essential assistance for the lovelorn? If you’re average everyday teenager Paul, you summon a powerful demon from deep in the recesses of Hell and frankly, hope for the best."

This comic cracks me up omg.

Arial Magic (Completed)

"The daily life of an apprentice witch."

I love the colors for this comic SO MUCH LOOK AT THE CLOUDS!!!! I hardly remember the plot (it's been awhile), but oh boy do I remember the colors.

Sithrah (Completed)

"Nirvana Page wanted to see the world. Traveling by private seaplane with her father on their annual vacation, together they explore exotic places and discover remarkable wildlife, and even if it’s only for a few days, she gets everything a seven-year-old girl could hope for. That is, until a mysterious force crashes their plane, separating Nirvana from her dad, and stranding her in a strange and unfamiliar land. It’s there she encounters SITHRAH—a mysterious being who could hold the key to finding her father—and begins a grand and perilous adventure that will bring her to the end of the world and beyond!"

Jason Brubaker does a lot of cool stuff, and I love his colors. Plus I love that he makes his Webtoon comic as a traditional comic first, then broke apart the pages to fit the scroll format. It makes it so that you can have a printed comic AND a webtoon.

Aka I love owning physical comics and I hope more Webtoon originals can be printed. Not just Lore Olympus.

Erma

"Erma is like any other normal child. She goes to school, plays with friends, and even spends time with the family. It just so happens that she is the daughter of a ghostly spirit and tends to use her haunting abilities for everyday antics, whether for better or for worse."

This comic has BONE vibes and I love it so much. I seriously think there should be more black/white wecomics. Not just because manga, no, it makes the process quicker and it makes printing comics SO MUCH EASIER. I love colors, but color correcting for print is a PROCESS.

Novae

"Raziol is an astronomer with a romantic heart. Sulvain is a kind-hearted necromancer with a troubled past. A strong connection forms between them as they discover the cosmos together, and their relationship blooms. But trouble lurks in the streets of Paris. When the body of a fellow astronomer is found on the steps of the Academy of Sciences, signs point to dark magic and Raziol and Sulvain’s lives become entangled in ways they could never foresee. LGBT+ M/M"

The... The colors are so good. ;w;

Fins & Crinolines

"When a mermaid and a centaur accidentally cross paths and decide to travel together, they end up on a journey that leads to more than either of them ever expected!"

Not a lot of episodes and episodes only come out sporadically (I can 100% understand, making Webtoons is not easy. Especially when it's a hobby/side project). But I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

Punderworld

Another Hades/Persephone retelling and I AM ALL ABOUT IT. Solid comic.

[gins-potter]

Casting Thoughts

Yes, I did a long post when the rumours first dropped but hey now it’s confirmed plus we have characters descriptions, and I’m bored so let’s do this all over again people.  Under the cut because it got long

Sisi Stringer as Rose Hathaway

I said this in my other post but I’m pretty happy with Sisi as Rose.

Visually I think she’s a great fit, I love that they casted a WoC in the main role, and I think if she can bring Rose’s humour and sarcasm to the role, she’s going to do great.

The character description mentions Rose being “fiery and outspoken”, happy to jump into the action, and the strongest fighter in her class but struggling to toe the line, which is all very Rose-esque, especially in the first book.  It sounds to me like they have a good grasp on her character.

I’m a little disappointed we didn’t hear more about Rose as a character since she is the lead - it felt like the descriptions for Lissa and Dimitri both gave us a little more to go on - but it is only a very preliminary description so I’m happy to wait for more.

Daniela Nieves as Lissa Dragomir

Daniele is another one who I was happy with straight away.

She’s probably not what I imagined for Lissa visually but that’s not a bad thing either; I will be interested to see if they dye her hair a lighter colour (like a caramel-blonde) but personally that’s not something I need to see for her to be a great fit for Lissa.

I think she has a very sweet face which works well for a character like Lissa but I think she’s also going to be able to stand up in Lissa’s more fiercer moments which is nice to see as well.

The character descriptions mentions her as being “carefree and kind-hearted” who “coasts” through life until a death in the family thrusts her into a new role.  That sounds a lot like pre-series Lissa so I wonder if we’re going to see a bit of that in the show before Andre (and her parents??) die and see that change.  

It’s curious though that she’s described as the younger sister of the heir apparent - which would be Andre - so it sounds like they’ve changed it so Andre was supposed to be King.  Obviously a deviation from the books but I don’t hate it?  I don’t think it would change Lissa’s arc all that much because obviously she was always going to grow up to be an influential royal figure, this just slightly changes the dynamics of it.

The description also specifically mentions that she’s uninterested in “political machinations” and the “hypocrisy of the moroi royal society” which sounds very accurate to book!lissa as well.

All in all I’m very happy with what they’re doing with Lissa.

Keiron Moore as Dimitri Belikov

This is one who’s really grown on me since the rumoured cast list started circulating.  At first I was kind of eh about him but I can really see him as Dimitri now.

I will be curious to see if he grows out his hair or not though.

As far as I know Keiron is not Russian, there’s not a lot about him online, but there’s some instagram activity on his account linking him to UK based companies so that would be my guess as to where he’s from.  They’ve kept Dimitri’s incredibly Russian name so I guess we’re to assume Keiron might be doing an accent and they’re keeping Dimitri’s backstory relatively the same?  I’m not gonna be super mad if they change it just because I think it’s doable for him not to be Russian (I know, I know a whole book is set in Russia but lbr here they could make him from anywhere and just send Rose there in that book).

The biggest thing for me will be his chemistry with Sisi, Danila and Zoey had great chemistry (imo anyway) which saved the move a little for me, so it’ll be important that Sisi and Keiron do as well.  They’ve interacted a few times online which is cute so I’m hoping they were able to do some chemistry reads and that will translate on screen.

The character description mentions Dimitri as being “lethal, disciplined, discreet, and totally committed” as well as living by “a deep moral code” but with more going on “beneath his stoic, watchful surface” which sounds exactly like book!Dimitri to me.

They don’t really specify what his role at St Vlad’s is going to be but they do mention that he is a guardian so I’m assuming they’re keeping some sort of age gap between him and Rose.  They also don’t mention anything about their relationship in the description, be it student/teacher, platonic, romantic, whatever, but they do say he has “an expansive spirit that could threaten to expose the underlying tension between his sense of what’s right and his formal duty to the Moroi.” which seems like a nod to their relationship.

Andre Dae-Kim as Christian Ozera

This was one of my favourite casting choices from the original rumoured cast list and I still love it.

The idea of a non-white Christian makes a lot of sense to me and I think Andre could do a great job of Christian’s aloofness (in the first book) as well as his sarcasm and growing confidence across the other books.

His character description confuses me a bit though: “Intelligent and thoughtful, Christian is the pariah of the school and royal court, due to his parents’ unforgivable societal sins.” sounds accurate enough to the book (although idk if thoughtful is quite the word I’d use for Christian - maybe they mean it in the sense that he’s quiet and keeps to himself?).

Even “Well-read and hungry for knowledge” doesn’t sound that far off, idk if he was *that* particularly studious in the books, but it doesn’t necessarily not make sense either you know?

But “he searches for faith-based answers and discovers a kindred spirit who is also looking for the truth” ??? My cynical, irreverent asshole Christian is now a man of faith? I’m assuming Lissa is the “kindred spirit” (again weird word choice but maybe they mean she’s feeling lost because of the death of her family?) but I just cannot see Christian as being particularly religious.

I’m trying to keep an open mind about these changes because you never know they might play out totally different on screen, but I really hope they didn’t make these changes, particularly that Christian is studious and religious, just because they cast an Asian actor as him (because they feel a little like Asian stereotypes).

J August Richards as Victor Dashkov

This is one that didn’t appear on the original rumoured cast list (as far as I saw) and it’s so different to his description in the books that I kind of don’t have an opinion about it as a casting choice.

I’ve never seen him in anything before so purely on a visual level I think he could be a great fit for Victor, I just think it’ll really come down to how he plays it.

As for this character description: “Victor is a Moroi noble vampire with a heart of gold who’s highly regarded for his role as advisor and political strategist to Moroi dignitaries.” as well as mentioning that he has intelligence and influence, sounds pretty accurate to the book.  Obviously if Andre was the heir to the throne, Victor had to be shifted out of that role, but I think his book 1 arc could still work if they wanted it to.

The “heart of gold” bit obviously made me chuckle and I really hope they threw it in there as a kind of decoy to throw non-book-readers off the fact that he’s actually the villain in book 1/s1.

As for giving him a husband and two daughters, my thoughts are: why the fuck not? He didn’t have a love interest in the original books and I’m always down for more lgbtq+ rep.  My only concern is it maybe playing into the trope of evil/villain characters being queer-coded.  And as for having two daughters, well as long as one of them is Natalie I don’t mind.

Anita-Joy Uwajeh as Tatiana Vogel

Okay this is the most bizarre one imo, not because of the casting, but just the character description.

I mean “Tatiana is a Moroi vampire and political underdog who slowly takes the royal court by storm. Motivated by love and a sense of justice, Tatiana has a unique skill of making herself seem of no consequence until we realize much too late that she was always the one to watch.” sounds extremely Tasha Ozera to me, so like why not just make this character Tasha?  Nothing about this sounds like Tatiana, and Tatiana wasn’t even a Vogel anyway (well Vogel wasn’t even one of the 12 royal families), she was an Ivashkov.

In terms of Anita-Joy herself, well I mean we don’t really have a character to compare her to, is she supposed to be more like Tasha or Tatiana?  She looks fairly young, so my guess is actually on Tasha, but we’ll have to wait to see I guess.

Mia McKenna-Bruce as Mia Karp

This is another one that I was instantly a fan of.

I was so not a fan of Mia’s casting in the movie (I can’t even remember who played her tbh but I really didn’t like it) so this Mia is a lot closer to how I imagine her.

I think she’ll be able to carry Mia’s transformation from bratty social-climber to badass fighter really well.

The character description is interesting though.  “Witty, cutting, and just the right kind of ruthless when necessary, non-Royal Mia has a long-term plan to social climb her way into the ranks of royalty, with all the privilege and freedom that entails.” sound pretty bang on to Mia in the first book.

“A plan complicated by her instant chemistry with Meredith, a Guardian-in-training, as Mia struggles to reconcile her attraction to Meredith with her lowly status.” is an obvious deviation though, and one I kind of love???  Give me all the queer rep, and if we get to see Mia confront the issue of comp-het I’m so here for it.  

It’s kind of funny though because I’ve seen theories that Meredith is a replacement for Eddie and Mia/Eddie has always been my sort of rarepair ship.

The last name Karp is weird af though.  Is she supposed to be Sonya’s daughter?  And if that’s the case I wonder if we’re going to actually see Sonya turn Strigoi in the show’s first season or something and that triggers the change in Mia?  Interesting concept but I’m not sure how the timeline will work.

Rhian Blundell as Meredith

So this is another new one, and tbh I hadn’t given Meredith *that* much though in the past but she’s probably close to how I would have pictured her which is cool.

The elephant in the room with this casting is that Meredith’s role in the books was relatively minor - she was just kind of that character that got brought up whenever R.M needed a dhampir who wasn’t Rose/Dimitri/Mason/Eddie.  So clearly she’s going to have a bigger role in the tv show which I don’t mind but I do wonder if we’re going to lose a character - probably Eddie lbr - in order to have her.  They haven’t casted an Eddie yet as far as we know, but I have seen it pointed out that Eddie’s role in book 1 was pretty small so maybe they just aren’t announcing it.  But there’s also the possibility that maybe Meredith will sort of replace Eddie and be the third part of Rose and Mason’s friendship.

I’m very interested by this part of her character description though, “She has little patience for Rose’s volatility or Mia’s elitism, and regularly calls both of them out.”

Jonetta Kaiser as Sonya Karp

I don’t necessarily dislike Jonetta as Sonya but I am confused by this choice.  She looks fairly young, which tbf Sonya was young-ish I guess, but if Mia is supposed to be her daughter she doesn’t look old enough to have a teenaged daughter.  So maybe Sonya and Mia are sisters? Cousins? Just have each other’s last names for no reason? I really don’t know.  They also look nothing alike.

Other than that, I don’t really have an opinion about Jonetta as Sonya.  Obviously looks nothing like how Sonya was described but that’s not new nor a massive concern for me.  

I can’t really tell just from looking at her, and I haven’t seen her in anything, if she would play a good Sonya.  I think with a lot of the characters it’s going to come down to the personality they bring to the part and the writing.

I looooooove her character description though:  “Quiet, careful and decidedly odd, Sonya is not of royal bloodline and sits out on the fringe of Moroi society, preferring to spend her time in the library or her gardens. Not a person who likes a scene, nonetheless she has a quiet but profound power of her own. She is taken by surprise when a Dhampir Guardian named Mikhail shows interest in her, a relationship that will expose both the brightest and darkest parts of her heart.”  It’s everything I would probably want from a description of Sonya and I’m more and more convinced that we’re going to see Sonya’s descent into madness and transformation into a Strigoi play out in maybe the first season which I am so curious how they’re going to work into the timeline.

Andrew Liner as Mason Ashford

Our last one and another one who doesn’t look remotely like his description but again? Not a surprise and not a problem for me.  He looks like he could play Mason’s goofiness really well as well as be a solid contender for a love interest for Rose.

“Charming, loyal and popular, Mason is Rose’s main competition in the quest to become the No. 1 Guardian-in-training. Though their relationship is casual on her side, he is hopeful she will finally look at him and see him as something more.” His character description makes a lot of sense, maybe him being Rose’s main competition is a bit of a deviation? But I think that’s more an indication that he’s supposed to be a strong fighter which isn’t inaccurate to the books.  The rest sounds great.

Other Thoughts

Descriptions of the show specifically mention friendship and classism as major themes which I am very happy to hear about because those are the two parts of VA that I love the most.

Am a little more worried about it being described as “sexy” though, if they shove a whole bunch of meaningless sex scenes in it just because it’s a YA show I’m not gonna be happy.

Seen the show compared to “Game of Thrones” and “Bridgerton” which at first had me like oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck not good not good not good.  But thinking about it more and trying to understand where Plec’s coming from with that description I wonder if means similar to GoT as in the cut-throat nature of the Moroi/Dhampir society cause I can kind of see that.  And as for Bridgerton I wonder if she’s referring to the kind of social-climbing aspects of it, because again that makes sense and it seems like a theme she really wants to concentrate on.  I hope that’s what she means by those comparisons, or that she just wants to compare it to popular shows to get people to watch it.  The worst would be if she tries to throw in a lot of unnecessary sex scenes to make it like those shows, because I hate when they do that, especially when the characters are teenagers.

Interesting to hear that Plec has known about the series since before Twilight or TVD - not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Seems like it’s actually mostly (or all??) written by Marguerite MacIntyre which is interesting because I know people were worried about Julie Plec - I’ve never watched anything by either of them so I’m neutral at this point.

[brehaaorgana]

I fell down a hole playing Pathfinder's wrath of the righteous and I'm also reading spoilers and trying to make sure I get as close to a good ending as I want. But man I have a few gripes:

1. Daeran Arendae is not pale white and I don't know how or why people keep coloring him that way

Look at him:

He's literally golden and an aasimar. He's not pale white. Someone has a mod of him having super Nordic features and it's.....horrifying lmfao.

2. I would like to argue the alignments of the companions should be more changeable than they are (except for you-know-who, they're never going to change)

3. Daeran should at *least* become chaotic neutral over time. He does have a moral compass and he DOES choose to do good things. Also because of the The Other resolution.

4. I looked up his happy endings and I'm...going to riot. All three of them make me want to yell.

[spoilers spoilers] I'm sorry he becomes slightly cold and evil-er if I kill the inquisitor??? I kill the guy who sees me basically exorcise Dae because THE INQUISITION IS FUCKED AND EVERYONE KNOWS?? And that's supposed to be a Bad Choice?? Compared to a lifetime of surveillance?? I don't want to hand him over to the mental health cops what the fuck!! Those guys BURNED EMBER'S DAD AT THE STAKE and tried to KILL HER TOO! They are a literal inquisition!! it feels like they're trying to say "absolute power corrupts absolutely, a Good commander should sometimes bend to the Law," but also fuck that, my dude! Just because ONE of you isn't an unhinged lunatic doesn't mean I trust any of that institution. I demand end screen rewrites because what the fuck lol. There should be a better resolution besides being watched by Big Brother Inquisition for the rest of his life or going cold due to the inquisitor dying. Make it make sense!! The inquisition is clearly full of total idiots. Why does this inquisitor dying make Daeran more cold? He was protected!

5. I'm concerned about the Azata path option to close the worldwound 🤔 idk if I'll switch paths.

6. Enhanced edition wants:

fix it so if I'm worried about Sosiel as a FC he doesn't immediately go "sorry I'm gay." Like okay sir I was just concerned you'd been nearly mauled as your *friend*

woljif romance when

fix daeran's endings and allow his alignment to develop!!!!

more opportunities to build daeran's secret trust meter because I am panicking since he gave me the wands and not the ring in the donation to the crusades. I thought that party was done perfectly so I'm really wracking my brain here.

More Azata path content besides just aivu.

this is too big of an ask but another companion entirely. For a few reasons.

1) I feel like there's a huge lack of good aligned companions. It's literally just Seelah (LG), Ember (NG), and Sosiel (NG).

Neutral is Arue (CN) , Greybor (N), Woljif (CN), Nenio (N), Lann (LN).

Evil is Regil (LE), Daeran (NE), Wenduag (NE)

Camellia is [Undetected] (lol but we all know)

Where is my CG companion?? It just feels so weird so much of this campaign is evil npc heavy because like there's technically MORE evil companions if you go lich path and take on undead companions. I think there's maybe 9 total?? And you're supposedly out here ready to FIGHT HELL.

2) I feel like there's a lot of classes we lack in the options given. It would be nice to have a companion who covers something a little different: Alchemist, Arcanist, druid, Kineticist, skald/bard, magus, sorcerer.

I honestly regret not immediately respec'ing some of the companions. Like Lann should've moved out of monk more quickly. I love Seelah but the Paladin class is boring and she needs more verve. Sosiel I should've immediately pivoted into summoning more because he can't hold a candle to daeran as a cleric.

[tuiyla]

Hey. I'm not sure if you talked about this. What you think of the ATLA live action introducing a new character Suki's mother? Also what's your opinion on the casting overall so far?

Hey Anon, I haven't yet, actually! Glad you asked though.

First off I'm really digging the cast so far. Feels like every announcement brings me closer and closer to being cautiously optimistic about the live-action show again, which I haven't been since Bryke left. That to me was a huge red flag and you know like Taylor said, I've seen this film before. Literally. But the cast looks really good, from the ones I knew beforehand like Daniel Dae Kim to the younger actors. I have nothing to base this on but I thought Suki's actress in particular was an excellent choice. I just vibe with her, she's gonna be great. Really just every time they announce a new character I get more and more excited.

Now, as for Suki's mother, Yukari. I suppose new characters were bound to happen and based on the limited info we have so far I don't mind this addition. Even some news outlets were confused by this so to clear it up: Yukari wasn't in the show at all, instead the village leader was a guy named Oyaji. Him being Suki's dad was a popular headcanon back in the day, btw.

Yukari is described as “the fiercely protective mayor of her small village on Kyoshi Island" and that's so far so good. It makes me think that maybe we'll spend more than one episode on Kyoshi Island and delve more into Suki's life and circumstances before she meets the Gaang. I'm all for that. The tricky thing about new characters is gonna be that ATLA's characters are legendary, even the minor ones. They're all so well developed for what purpose they served so adding a new one is gonna be challenging no matter what. I hope she'll have her own fleshed-out character and she won't just, like, be there to be distrustful of Sokka or something.

At this point I really don't know how to feel about it all. I'm gonna watch it, of course I am, but like I said I was cautious about it to begin with and more so after Bryke left the project. But the cast really does look so good and this first original character sounds good. I'll be curious what they'll omit, you know? Because there's no way they're adapting all of Book 1. It's the trickiest season to do anyway and overall it's so 2005 Nickelodeon. Not in a bad way, just in a realistic way. So to already know that we'll have extra characters really makes me wonder about the ones who're not gonna make the cut. Tell you what, I can't wait to see what they do with Jet because he's gonna be real easy to get horribly wrong.

[mxupdate]

[ARTICLE] Wonho (Monsta X) opens up about his dark past and apologizes to fans

'Actually, I'm always feeling unsettled''

We asked why he felt like that,

Wonho opened up about his past.

"Because I know my mistake..."

"No matter what I say, it's just a fallacy. It's because I was wrong."

He continued.

"Therefore, I tried my best, so that I would not make the same mistake again."

Above all, he said that thanks to his fans, he was determined to change.

"I have got what is called love. I don't want to let them down, even just a little."

In February, Dispatch had a meeting with Wonho, Monsta X's former member. At that time, he was reviewing himself for his past controversies when the police were investigating his allegations of drug use in 2013.

"Yes, that's right. I acknowledge my past. I was too stupid. I have tried my best not to live like that again. I only think about the members, the group and my fans."

He added that he was misunderstood.

"I don't use drugs. The police are investigating it. When my innocence is proven, please write an article about my story. I want to apologize and clear up the misunderstanding. I also want to be forgiven by everyone."

On March 10, the police ruled Wonho not guilty. After the investigation on allegations of drug use, the police closed the case because no suspicious points were found. Therefore, we would like to write about Wonho's story.

◆ "It was unfortunate in those days"

An apartment for rent located in Sanbon Ward, Gunpo City, Gyeonggi Province. This apartment has a living room (small size) and a room. Wonho lived there with his grandmother, parents, and younger brother. A miserable period of his life.

"I lived in a small rental apartment until I was 20 years old. My grandmother used the only room. My father, mother, younger brother and I all ate and slept in the living room. At that time I didn't know it was poverty."

In elementary school, he didn't get along well with his peers. He was always teased. The torment went on repeatedly. Wonho was a shy and timid child.

"Sometimes my friends teased me by saying I'm dirty, sometimes bullied me just because they felt bored. My friends didn't like me at all. In fact, there are many more memories I don't want to remember. In short, I was alienated by my friends."

Certainly, he got troubled at his home as well. Wonho's parents fought every day for money. Wonho spent most of his time outside. Then, he knew a stranger in the neighborhood.

"At home, I was not at ease because my parents argued all the time. I had to kill the time outside every day. Just like that, I happened to know a brother in the ward, then I started to follow him."

◆ "I was once interested in bad things"

Since then, Wonho wasn't bullied anymore. No, rather, others started to avoid him. Wonho said he felt fun seeing his friends being dissatisfied.

"One day, I went downstairs and bumped into a friend who had bullied me. I unconsciously cowered. However, that guy opened up first, "Ho Seok, I'm sorry." I suddenly became arrogant. That's not good, but..."

Wonho escaped from being an outcast. But he did not feel happy. The situation was still the same, the discord did not end yet. Eventually, he became more and more pessimistic. This happened when Wonho was in high school.

"My parents argued on that day. Suddenly, I felt choked in my heart. I saw no hope in this house. I walked out of the house unconsciously. At that time, I did not realize the importance of families."

Outside the family's shelter, it was even more dangerous. Wonho hung out with new friends, then was caught up in something he shouldn't have done. Some of his friends went to juvie on suspicion of special theft. Wonho got milder punishment, he was placed under probation.

"I don't want to blame my friends. Because that was also my choice. It sounds like an excuse, but at that time, I was not mature. It was my fault. My fault only. I apologize."

◆ "I had a dream"

Wonho ran into a lot of difficulties in his teens. It's literally a stormy period with intense highs and downs. Then, he met Jung Dae Eun. He remembered that it was when he was in the 2nd year of high school.

"We immediately became closer. We also did modeling jobs together. Da Eun helped me a lot. She even supported my dream of becoming a singer."

Before the age of 20, Wonho, called Lee Ho Seok at that time, was a rebellious boy. He went astray and resented reality. However, after the age of 20, Wonho changed. He moved forward and tried his utmost to overcome the reality of life. That is the epiphany.

"I saw my friends practice like crazy. They were all dreaming of their own dreams. I was jealous of them. So I could only live in resentment... At that time, I promised myself that I won't waste my life anymore."

Wonho practiced day and night. Whenever he had free time, he ran to the stair corridor because he needed a place to practice alone. There, he constantly danced, rested, and danced again.

"I joined the trainees who entered the company at the same time with me to dance and sing all night. I didn't feel tired. Because there was a ray of hope in me that 'I have a future too'. I was happy. Activities with the group were also very delightful. In those 4 years, I learned a lot."

◆ "The past gets in the way"

In 2015, Wonho debuted as a member of Monsta X. The group has released 12 albums in Korea as well as taking Asia, Europe, and the United States by storm. Monsta X also achieved significant success as they landed at No.39 on Billboard's Pop Songs Chart (in 2019) and became the third K-pop artist to accomplish this.

In 2019, when Wonho was on the rise, his murky past caught up with him. He, in turn, entangled in the controversy related to the Me Too movement and the fact that he was once under house arrest was also exposed. In 2013, he was even placed under investigation in suspicion of drug use.

"It's true that I made a mistake, but there are some misunderstandings about me as well. Of course, I'm aware that these are irreversible. Because not everyone goes down the wrong way and falls into such a situation. I reflected on myself a lot at the time I was under house arrest."

Wonho didn't give more explanations. He admitted his past wrongdoings and apologized many times. However, he resolutely denied suspicion of drug use. He said that he absolutely never touched that illegal substance.

"I acknowledge my past deeds. But what I didn't do, I would say no. I absolutely do not use drugs. I have explained it clearly to the police."

After more than 5 months of investigation, the police have concluded that Wonho was innocent. They did not find evidence related to drug use. The police also investigated whether Wonho used drugs in the form of tablets. However, they did not discover any drugs.

◆ "I don't want to hurt anyone"

Wonho quit Monsta X. In October 2019, before officially departing from the group, he left a message that reads, "The members have been hurt by someone like me. All of them have no relation to me at all. I hope that you guys will be Monsta X's pillar of strength.

"The group made lots of efforts to prepare a new album. I hate to see Monsta X collapse (just because of me). I think I should leave the group as soon as possible so Monsta X can continue their activities. I'd like to prevent the damage to them as much as I could."

One more thing, the reason for his determination is MonBeBes.

"I can confidently say that I have completely changed after meeting MonBeBes. I understood what it is like to be loved. I want to live a good life every day."

According to Wonho, he has never lost his concentration on work. Most of his daily tasks are making music, exercises, and fan communication. In fact, Wonho often chatted with fans through live broadcasts, each of which lasted for around 3~4 hours, during his overseas tour.

"Actually, this is the first time I feel such warmth. So, I don't want to let everyone down. I just want to do the things that the fans like. I want to repay that love. But..."

◆ "Anyway, I'm sorry"

The past has been exposed. He wondered what he could do. It was concluded that he could do nothing but withdraw from the group. He thought it was a way to ease the fans' pain (even just a little).

"I promised the fans many things. I also said I would always stay by their side. Although I only lived and thought of fans, I apologize for leaving this way..."

However, he explained that he was forced to do so

"In the past, I lived as Lee Ho Seok, and now as Wonho. Is it possible that Wonho is not responsible for what Lee Ho Seok did? I have to shoulder that responsibility. In the end, I have hurt everyone with my past. I want to relieve that pain."

Wonho hasn't left his house for a while. He lived in silence, to avoid causing damage to those around him. During that time, he was cleanly acquitted of drug-related allegations. Wonho shared that it was fortunate enough.

"Even up to now, I can't forget the fans. On the contrary, I am just so regretful. I feel regret, I should have done a little better. I do this interview with one reason only, which is to apologize to everyone."

See article here.

[severetimetravelnerd]

Hatred and Love (ft. G Dragon) Mafia AU

Part 5

Jiyong finally asks you about Jongin.

(I don’t own any of the images used. All credit goes to the original owners.)

Taglist:

@unabashedturkeytreeslime​

@happiestgirlontheeastcoast​

@kwonnansi​

@aarfyie​

If there is anyone else who would like to be tagged, you can comment or leave me a message :))

I only write on this blog on tumblr, so if you see my work on any other platform, please let me know immediately.

Okay, so this is a mafia AU. It has appearances from Daesung, Taeyang, TOP, Mino, Hanbin and EXO (mostly Kai). This continues with the EXO storyline, but again, I have nothing against EXO :)) I love them, but I had to use someone for the plot

Warnings: Violence, Death(not main character), Injury, Blood, Eventual smut, Abduction, Guns and Knives, language, emotional breakdown. This chapter has the beginning of hardcore smut. In this chapter, we have masturbation and slight degradation kink. 

————————————————————————–

Jiyong held you a little closer before he pulled the trigger. Your legs gave way and you fell to the ground. Jiyong quietly knelt next to you and lifted you up in his arms, checking with you to see if it was okay to do that. Your hands were shaking as they wrapped around his neck. You turned around, half scared to see Minhyuk’s body when Jiyong tilted your head back towards him.

 “Don’t Y/N. I’ve made you see enough blood already. You shouldn’t have to see this as well.” 

You didn’t argue with him, just trying to gather yourself. He paused before his door, and hesitantly, he asked,

 “Y/N, I don’t know if you’re okay with staying in this room. If you aren’t, we can go to my room.” 

You gave him a barely perceptible nod for him to go ahead and he took you to his room, gently laying you down on the bed. He was about to move back to give you your space, but he stopped when he heard your soft voice whispering, 

“Jiyong?”

 He sat back down next to you immediately, gently holding your hand.

 “Yes, my love?”

 He didn’t even realise the switch when he called you that. It felt so natural to him. You did though, and you couldn’t stop staring at him, trying to figure out what he was thinking. He looked at you with so much love, but he managed to shoot you. You just couldn’t understand him. He snapped you out of your thoughts when he carefully asked,

 “Y/N, why is EXO’s Jongin looking for you?” 

You raised your eyebrows.

 “EXO? What’s that?” 

Jiyong sighed and leaned back.

 “So, you didn’t know Y/N.”

 You snapped.

 “What didn’t I know Jiyong?!” 

He looked away and mumbled something you couldn’t hear. 

“Jiyong, I can’t hear you.”

 He slowly said, 

“Jongin, your friend, is part of a mafia gang called EXO.” 

You started laughing. Jiyong just stared at you uneasily, not quite knowing what to make of your laughter. 

“Oh my god, why does this kind of stuff have to happen to me? How is it that Jongin is part of the mafia? The Jongin who can barely work a printer on his own?” 

Jiyong just held your hand, knowing that you were actually upset. Calming yourself down, you asked, 

“What role does Jongin have in EXO?” 

Jiyong carefully watched you and said,

 “He’s the guy you go to when you want to get rid of someone discreetly.”

 You shuddered, unable to believe it. You didn’t want to ask, but curiosity got the better of you.

 “Jiyong, who does that here?”

 He raised his eyebrows at you, unable to hide his surprise at your curiosity. He answered with a cautious smile on his face. 

“Seunghyun hyung does.” 

And you know what? Somehow, you weren’t surprised. You had expected it. 

“What does Hanbin do, Jiyong?”

 “Hanbin’s in charge of covering up. Making up a believable cover story for our jobs.” 

You nodded. The two of you sat there in silence for a while, the sound of Jiyong’s breathing and the scent of his cologne comforting you. Jiyong suddenly jumped up, remembering something. He called Daesung.

 “Dae, take care of the body in Y/N’s room. Find out how he got in and up the security. We can’t have something like that happening again.”

 He cut the call and called up Mino.

 “Mino, find out why Jongin is looking for her. Find Hanbin. He was with Jongin. Make sure he’s okay.”

 He looked at your worried face. You were terrified for Hanbin, but you were also scared for Jongin. You knew he lied to you, and you weren’t going to forgive him for that anytime soon, but you still didn’t want him dead. You had seen how ruthless they were.

 “Don’t harm or capture Jongin, even if you can. We don’t want to start a war with EXO.” 

Mino winced and let out a sigh. 

“Hyung, I don’t think that’s going to be possible. Hanbin is fine, and he’s on his way back, but EXO has called for a meeting. All nine of them are going to be there. We don’t have much of a choice this time, Jiyong hyung. They’re saying we’re trying to start a gang war by abducting Jongin’s girlfriend. They’re jumping at this opportunity, because ever since they lost some of the Hongdae area to us, they’ve been looking for an excuse to do this. We’ll all have to go. It’s going to be soon.” 

Jiyong didn’t hear anything Mino said after

 “Jongin’s girlfriend.” 

Jiyong turned to look at you in shock, wondering whether it was true. You looked back at him, wondering what he was thinking about. He didn’t care about anything else. He just wanted to know whether you had lied to him. His voice sounding angry, he said, 

“Y/N, are you dating someone?”

 You don’t know why you didn’t just reply saying, “No.” Maybe it was because he was incredibly hot when he was angry, but you got distracted. Maybe it was because of the adrenaline after the attack. Maybe it was just because you liked him, but you wanted nothing more than to pepper that gorgeous jawline with kisses. You then got distracted by his tattoo, yet again. You couldn’t stop imagining that tattoo on that beautiful skin, glistening with sweat as he lay down next to you after a night well spent. You shook your head to get those thoughts out of your mind. It didn’t work particularly well. All it did was make Jiyong look even angrier. Without meaning to, he moved closer and lowered his voice. 

“Y/N, were you lying to me? Are you with Jongin?” 

Again, because of his proximity to you, you zoned out. Without meaning to, you shivered a little and you had goose bumps running up your hands. It was only when Jiyong moved back, thinking he was scaring you, that you realised he had asked you a question. You turned and looked at him, slightly flushed.

 “I’m sorry Jiyong, I zoned out. What did you say?” 

Jiyong looked a little disappointed. He thought you zoned out thinking about Jongin. He sighed, and said,

 “Although I feel like I already know the answer, I’m just going to ask you one last time. Y/N, are you dating Jongin?”

 You moved a little closer to him, feeling bad that in the process of fantasising about him, you had hurt him.

 “Jiyong, I promise I am not dating Jongin, and neither do I have any interest in doing so.”

 He froze, a slow smirk coming across his face. 

“Say that again Y/N.”

 You said it, looking a little confused. Why was he smirking?

 “I’m not dating anyone.”

 The smirk only deepened.

 “No Y/N. The first part of the sentence. Say that again.” 

You stared at him, confused, until it finally dawned on you. You had said that bit about fantasising about him out loud. You turned red. You blushed, trying to look for an escape from the incredibly embarrassing situation you were in. He leaned in really close, smiling and said,

 “As much as I would love to do all that and more, right now, I have to go attend a meeting, and before I leave, we need to discuss a few things.” 

You couldn’t hide the disappointed look on your face as he moved away. He reached for your hand and kissed it. 

“I promise I’ll make it up to you later.” 

But then his face turned serious. 

“Y/N, I need you to be one hundred percent honest with me, because for the first time in my life, I’m going to be honest with someone.”

 You nodded.

 “Y/N, why is EXO saying you’re Jongin’s girlfriend?” 

You shook your head. 

“I honestly don’t know. I mean, yeah, he used to flirt with me, but that was just friendly flirting. He was always like that. It was never serious.”

 “So, you never said yes to him, right?” 

You nodded in agreement.

 “Do you like him?”

 You just turned to him incredulously.

 “Jiyong, I literally just said I was fantasising about you. What more confirmation do you need?”

 He hid a smile. 

“Okay then Y/N. Would you prefer for us to hand you over to EXO? Because that’s what they’re asking for.”

 You shook your head. 

“No Jiyong. I wouldn’t.” 

He took a deep breath. 

“Y/N, do you want to be with me? I should warn you though. Once you agree to be with me and become my girlfriend, your life isn’t going to go back to normal.” 

He winced.

 “Actually, it’s never really going to go back to normal, because my enemies have figured out what you mean to me, so because of me, you’re constantly at risk. I’m sorry.” 

You blinked, trying to take in all that information.

 “I’m sorry, and even if you choose not to be with me, I’ll make sure someone will always be protecting you, because you got into this because of me. You’re not a captive here any more. I’ll give you back your phone and wallet once Hanbin gets back. You can leave now if you want. Just please don’t tell anyone anything about us.” 

“Jiyong, I want to be with you. I want to stay here with you.” 

And again, you saw that smile of his you loved the most. The innocent, gummy smile. Not the sinful smirk or the icy glare. Just a smile radiating happiness. 

“Okay then my love.” 

He suddenly shifted to a glare.

 “Now, I’m going to go make sure EXO knows not to mess with you.”

 As he was leaving, you got really mad at Jongin. He never told you he was part of the mafia and then he goes around telling people you’re his girlfriend. You felt a little bad about how worried he would have been, but anger and irritation won over in the end. You started muttering. 

“Hmph. Bloody self-entitled pricks. Who are they to decide for me where I want to go? I’m fully capable of deciding for myself.”

 Jiyong laughed as he headed over to his closet, pulling out a loose, slightly translucent white shirt. He casually began telling you to use his room while the guys took care of Minhyuk and your security, but you couldn’t focus on anything other than the fact that he was changing in front of you.  You could only focus on those beautiful arms and that toned back, wonderfully tan. You had to stop yourself from drooling. He was just humming to himself as he took out some piercings to put on from the drawer. He didn’t wear all his piercings all the time, but oh good lord, when he did, he practically looked like the embodiment of sin. He slowly strapped a few daggers to those beautifully toned thighs and because of that, you couldn’t get those thighs and the thought of riding them out of your head. Finally, he slipped on a jacket and was about to leave, coming close and kissing your forehead first. 

“Sweetheart, you stay here okay. No one other than me can enter these rooms from the outside. You’ll be safe here.”

 And as he left, you got a whiff of his cologne, driving you insane. After he left, you shook those dirty thoughts out of your head. You really needed to get laid. You knew if you stayed awake, you wouldn’t be able to stay sane from those thoughts, so you just buried yourself into the bed, desperate for sleep.

 Your eyes watered as you gagged, feeling him grab your head and buck his hips into your mouth more forcefully, making the definite transition from getting a blowjob to fucking your face. You loved it. You were getting wetter and wetter and you desperately needed some relief. Your hands travelled down your body, finding their way to your clit and rubbing frantically for some relief. You felt your hands being grabbed harshly as Jiyong pulled them away, holding them above your head with one of his hands while the other one harshly pinched your nipples. He bent down and harshly whispered in your ear,

 “My little slut couldn’t stop touching herself huh. Don’t you think you need a punishment?”

 You had just moaned out a 

“Yes”,

 when you woke up, finding yourself alone on the bed in Jiyong’s room, flushed, breathless and incredibly wet. You were desperate. You needed relief. You couldn’t remember the last time you got laid. And the thirst trap that is Kwon Jiyong wasn’t helping. Just thinking back to his toned body made your nipples hard. You were so bloody desperate that you decided to be reckless. You took one quick look around and slipped off the pants and panties you were wearing and leaned back against the pillows. You closed your eyes, trying to relive that dream. You let your hand gently run across your thighs and your breasts, enjoying the stream of goose bumps that followed. You slowly let yourself go, tricking yourself into believing they were Jiyong’s. He would never not tease you, so you slowly starting twirling your hands around your nipples, waiting until they were almost painfully hard before actually touching them. You let out a moan from how good that felt. Slowly, you let your hands travel down, letting it reach for your clit. You didn’t allow yourself to put pressure on it, no matter how much you wanted to. You moved in teasing little circles around it, slowly feeling yourself get wetter and wetter. You moved on to slowly sliding your fingers up and down, relishing the increased pressure. Slowly, you started putted more pressure and you moved on to your clit, you slow rubbing turning more frantic by the second. Your other hand slowly moved up to pinch your nipples, harder and harder, still not hard enough for you. When you were at a frantic pace, and it was really hitting the right spot, you arched your back, threw your head back and moaned,

 “Jiyong”.

 You nearly died from the shock when you heard him say, 

“Yes?” 

You opened your eyes, shivering from anticipation of what you knew was going to come when you saw him standing there, a foot away from the bed, eyes dark with lust, lips curled in a smirk. He slowly uncuffed his shirt and rolled his sleeves up, his eyes never leaving you. He walked over to you, unbuttoning a bit of his shirt as he did. Eyes incredibly dark, he removed his belt and finally took your hands and said, “Looks like someone needs to be punished.”