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axicallian · 3 months ago

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Human Database [NCIS x Male Reader]- Yankee White 1/2

M/n watched as Tony tried again to the reach their boss over the phone. While he packed his stuff to travel to the crime scene he heard his coworker explain the situation.

"Navy Commander carrying the football on Air Force just carked in the air," He explained into the telephone. A pause before he continued speaking, "Wichita, Kansas, the President's transferring to the back-up bird. M/n booked us on a 1500 United flight on Reagan and that it stops in Dallas, Texas before heading to Wichita." Another pause before he sighs while putting on his jacket, "He booked it not me. If we had our own jet.. Alright," Tony hung up the phone.

"'That's the best you could do?'" M/n guessed with a small smile, as Tony let out a chuckle.

"Word for word," He confirmed, throwing the keys to M/n.

"Nice! I get to drive!" He cheered, gathering his stuff, ready to bolt to the car.

'Attention, passengers. This is a gate change announcement..' sounded throughout the airport, mixing with the messy ambience.

"FBI, CIA, DEA, ATF, even NYPD have private jets," Tony complained, heaving several bags off the escalator.

"Look, 36 cents a mile. You wanna drive?" Gibbs stated simply.

"It's humiliating," He argued, setting his bags down in front of the TSA officer.

"It'd be less humiliating if you had less shit.." M/n grumbled under his breath.

"This isn't all mine. Most of it's for the crime scene," Tony retorted.

"Then why do I only have one bag," the (H/C)nette prodded, sticking his tongue out.

"We're LEOs," Gibbs spoke over his two childish coworkers to the security officer.

"I'm a Capricorn," The officer replied dumbly.

"Are you stupid? LEO is short for law enforcement officer, idiot," M/n said bluntly.

"You new at this Dennis?" Gibbs asked condescendingly while Tony displayed his ID.

"First week," the man confirmed, feeling little to no shame. He read the group's identifications, "'NCIS'? Never heard of it."

"That's embarrassing," M/n commented leaning toward Tony.

"NCIS anything like CSI?" The TSA officer asked genuinely.

"Only if you're dyslexic," Tony replied, struggling to lift his suitcase.

"Or stupid," M/n added while helping his coworker with his bag.

"Okay. You can go ahead and go around the metal detector, but your bags have got to go through the scanner." The officer gestured, ignoring the rude comments.

"Wait a minute, you're letting us take weapons aboard but you want to scan our bags?" Gibbs clarified.

"Well, you've got permits for the weapons but you don't for the bags," Dennis replied simply.

"We really need our own jet," Tony repeated with an 'I-told-you-so' look while he heaved the suitcases up to send through the scanner.

"I second that," M/n groaned, lifting the heaviest bag to the conveyor belt.

Ducky, the Medical Examiner called from the other side of the security checkpoint, "Dennis! Those bags are mine."

"Why didn't you tell me you were schlepping for the Doc?" The TSA officer asked, "He's got a bag permit," he stated obviously.

"Move it, men," Dr. Mallard commanded while Tony and M/n smiled to each other and followed quickly after the older man. "We don't want to miss our flight," Ducky commented, smirking.

The jet was sat on the wet pavement which reflected the flashing lights of the emergency vehicles that surrounded it. An accented voice could be heard from inside the plane, "Uh, I don't give a damn which one of you is boss. You ain't moving this body until the M.E. says you can."

"You talking about me, Elmo?" Ducky asked, entering the plane with Tony, M/n, and Gibbs on his heels.

"Ducky! How'd you like those steaks I air-expressed you?" The owner of the accented voice, Elmo greeted.

"Ah, delicious!" The Doctor replied, removing his jacket and tossing it to Gibbs. He got down onto the floor to start performing an examination while M/n and Tony worked around him, marking the crime scene and helping Ducky.

"Uh, Agent Fornell here is FBI. Agent Todd, Secret Service. Ducky, they've been fighting over this body like two hounds over a t-bone," Elmo introduced the other people who stood watching the dead body which looked like a young man. His skin was now jaundiced and foam stuck to the corner of his mouth.

"Well, it's our t-bone for the moment," Ducky commented humorously.

"All these LEOs are contaminating the potential crime scene," Gibbs informed.

"Oh yes, my assistant's right. Everyone who boarded in Wichita will have to evacuate the plane," The old M.E. confirmed.

"I'm not going anywhere," One of the people in the crowd argued, a balding man who had been introduced as Agent Fornell.

"I flew in on it," The pretty brunette, Agent Todd argued.

"Very well, you two can stay. But everyone else must deplane," Ducky asserted.

"Alright, you heard the M. E. , let's move it boys," Elmo motioned the audience out. "Ducky, what do you think?"

Dr. Mallard examined the deceased body's chest and skin for abrasions or wounds, "No outward sign of trauma," He noted.

"He was stricken after having lunch with the President," Agent Todd explained.

"Yeah, how is the President?" Tony asked, look up from the scene.

"He's fine. His physician cleared him to fly on to L.A." The Secret Service Agent reassured.

"What happened?" Gibbs asked hoping to get more details. Fornell, Gibbs, and Todd stared at each other awkwardly before the brunette started explaining.

"When the Commander returned from lunch, he had an equilibrium problem and his grip was too weak to hold his briefcase," She recalled with detail. The way she spoke caught M/n's attention, sophisticated and professional.

"Did he gradually become ill, or was it sudden?" Ducky interrogated as he stood to face her.

"Sudden. He started to convulse and collapsed. The President's physician believed that the Commander had a stroke," She replied.

"Kinda young for a brain fart," Tony noted, causing M/n to stop taking notes and hold back a giggle from the use of the word 'fart'.

"Looks like a natural death to me, Elmo. They can leave with the body as long as they sign releases," Ducky evaluated.

"Why the hell didn't you say that?" Agent Fornell asked Elmo abrasively.

"Couldn't. Like I said, it's the M.E.'s decision. Release forms are in my car, "The man replied.

"Let's go. We can work out jurisdiction for Washington on the flight to Dallas," Fornell said to Agent Todd. She nods but casts several odd glances at the group around the body before exiting the plane.

"Ah, Ducky... about those soft-shell crabs?" Elmo asked the M.E.

"Ah, you'll have them by the weekend," He replied.

"Ten-four, partner," Elmo agreed before leaving.

Ducky let out an exhale and everyone stared at each other. "Tony, go on. Show the pilot your credentials, get us the hell out of here," Gibbs commanded. Tony nodded and started heading in the wrong direction until M/n grabbed him by the shoulders. He physically turning him around and said, "Wrong way, cockpit's on the top deck."

"I knew that," Tony blatantly lied.

"Enjoy playing my boss?" Gibbs asked after watching Tony's idiocy.

"I did, rather," Ducky nodded.

"You don't actually think he died of natural causes, do you? Only 9% of stroke victims are under the age of 40 and they have a higher chance to survive," M/n regurgitated an article he read once.

"I don't think I have enough information to tell, my dear boy," Dr. Mallard replied. "He could have been born with an aneurysm. They're timebombs in the body. I remember this young promising basso-perfundo in London. He was only 27 when he keeled over, in the middle on an Notaro aria—"

"Who the hell are you people?" Agent Todd stormed back into the plane.

M/n's hand was steady on his gun as soon as he saw Todd's hand on her gun. He was, however, quite proud of her for being so observant.

"You're no M.E. assistant," She declared to Gibbs. "and there's no soft-shell crab within a thousand miles," She states to Ducky.

"Sorry," Ducky shrugged.

"NCIS," Gibbs answered, showing his badge for proof, "We flew down here from Washington to take over the investigation."

"First the FBI tries to muscle in, and now NCIS," She frustratedly mentioned.

"Yeah, well, I do believe this is a dead naval officer," M/n stated simply.

"Who died on Air Force One, after having lunch with the President it's my��job to protect," Todd argued.

"Okay, we can share jurisdiction. You can be on my team," Gibbs compromised.

"Your team? Why should you head the investigation?" She continued to argue, not satisfied with the suggestion.

"You've never worked a crime scene, have you, Agent Todd? So why should you run the investigation?" M/n snidely asked.

"I am a Secret Service agent," She stated, avoiding the question.

Gibbs only smirked and turned away from Agent Todd.

"Well don't dismiss me like that! Okay, I earned my jock-strap," She demanded.

"Yeah, does it ever give you that empty feeling?" Gibbs asked turning back and facing her.

"What?" Agent Todd asked dumbly.

"Your jock-strap," He answered, staring condescendingly at her.

"No. Like some species of frogs, I grow what I need," She retorted with a smile while M/n was left slack-jawed at the interaction.

"Gibbs!" Tony called, coming down the stairs and seeing Agent Todd, "Pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the.. thumbs up."

"I think that just made it my team," Agent Todd bragged.

"No. It means we'll just have to hijack Air Force One," Gibbs countered, "M/n, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch," he commanded as he turned around, heading for the cockpit. Tony and M/n shared a glance as Todd chased Gibbs up the stairs.

"You're not serious. Wait!" She quickly gave in, seeing as he had no intention of following her orders, "Okay, okay! Your team, but only because I don't want to delay us further by having to shoot you." Agent Todd offered the older man a hand as a sign of obedience and comradery. He gripped the brunette's hand with his own gloved one, casting a smile small toward her.

"Damnit, Agent Todd, let's get this show on the road!" Agent Fornell demanded, ready to board the plane. M/n and Tony heard his incessant yelling and quickly intercepted him.

"Oh gosh, I'm sorry. We, uh, overbooked the flight," Tony quipped while closing the hatch.

"Hope you'll fly with us again on NCIS Air!" M/n giggled, interpreting a flight attendant.

"What the hell are you doing?" His voice was barely audible through the thick metal of the plane.

As the plane pulled away from the ladder the FBI agents were left standing confused at the top. The two chaotic NCIS agent waved at them from inside, wearing cheshire grins.

Ducky, leaned down over the body, gently pushed a metal tool into the victim's abdomen, examining the result.

"Are you starting the autopsy?" Agent Todd asked in surprise as she leaned in one of the airplane seats.

"Goodness, no. I'm just taking his liver temperature to corroborate the time of death," He answered as the chaos duo, M/n and Tony walk into the room.

She stood up, checking her PDA, "The President's physician declared him dead at 20:32 Zulu."

"It never hurts to double check," The doctor says, reading the beeping thermometer.

"You're in the way of the crime scene sketching," M/n said bluntly from Agent Todd's right.

She raised her eyebrows at him, "Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos."

Tony picked up a magazine next to him with a woman in a bikini on it, "Tell me her measurements."

"You're pathetic," She simply answered.

"No, I'm serious," He retorted. M/n finished Tony's thought in a snarky voice, "Can you tell if she's 5'4" in a 35-C, or 5'7" in a 36-D?"

Tony responded, the two agents of chaos going back and forth, pissing off Agent Todd, "You can't, not from a photo. That's why we do sketches, take measurements." He physically nudged her aside sassily as the duo giggled to themselves like high school girls.

"I've got 19:50 Zulu, that's nearly an hour earlier," Ducky states, concern lacing his voice.

"Well, then you miscalculated," Agent Todd stated.

"Nuh-uh. The doc doesn't miscalculate," M/n argued, shaking his head.

Gibbs, jogging down the skinny plane steps and hearing the conversation he interrupted he asked, "What's the problem?"

"There's apparently a discrepancy between my time of death and the President's physician's," Ducky explained, rising to his feet.

"And she think Ducky's wrong," M/n accused, Todd looking back at him slightly offended.

"Log yours," Gibbs ordered, causing M/n and Tony to grin at Agent Todd who only rolled her eyes in response. "Enough sketches, M/n, Tony. Agent Todd's gonna give you both a floor plan," the older man walked off after giving the command.

Agent Todd rushed to follow him, "Oh, no, she won't," she argued.

"Although your photo analysis isn't brilliant, M/n, isn't 36-D a bit of wishful thinking?" Ducky asked, examining the magazine.

"Probably," M/n shrugged.

"Definitely wishful thinking. 36-Ds are like.." Tony put his hands in front of his chest as if measuring breasts, "..big."

"What can you tell me about Commander Trapp?" Gibbs asked while speed-walking down the plane.

"I can't give them Air Force One floor plans, they're top secret," Todd argued while trying to catch up.

"Come on, I saw this in a Harrison Ford movie."

"Well that's Hollywood speculation, you're asking for the real thing," the brunette frustratedly tried to reason while having to keep speed with Gibbs' long strides.

"Isn't the President's head down here someplace?" the man changed the subject as he snooped around the plane.

"No," she answered with frustration.

"Now this was in the movie!" he exclaimed, walking into a conference room and putting his hands on the leather chair at the head of the table, "Yeah! Harrison was sitting right here."

"I can't risk those plans getting out on the Internet," Agent Todd stated, redirecting the conversation to the original topic.

"NCIS does not leak," Gibbs promised, "These plans get out, you can shoot L/n."

"As much as I would love to shoot him, I think I'm obligated to shoot you," she disagreed.

"What about Commander Trapp?" he inquired once again.

"Only met him this morning. He just received his Yankee White clearance and was Major Kerry's backup. The major has the flu," Todd explained

"We'll have to get a Navy doc to verify that," Gibbs popped his head out into the corridor to see that he was back where they started.

"He's got it," she says sarcastically, waving her hands irritably, "But go ahead, and-and waste a doctor's time double-checking like you're Ducky."

Gibbs stops and motions to a cabinet with a keypad, "This is where the terrorists got their weapons in the movie."

"Oh, that is as ridiculous as the President's 'escape capsule'," she sighed as he pressed random buttons on the keypad.

"Anybody switch planes with the President?" he continued to interrogate the Secret Service Agent.

"The President was put on a separate plane. Everyone else boarded the backup excepts three stewards who were put in the press cabin," Todd answered as they approached said press cabin.

"What'd you keep them for?" he opened the curtains and waved at the stewards, "Make coffee?"

"I may not know the finer points of investigating like sticking needles in liver or measuring swimsuit models, but I do know enough to hold the stewards who prepared and served the President's lunch," Agent Todd explained, "You want to question––?"

"No, they're not going anywhere. We've got a crime scene to investigate," Gibbs interrupted, walking back toward the dead body, "Rule number one, never let suspects stay together."

"Well I didn't consider them suspects."

"Why'd you hold them?" he asks while extracting latex gloves from his jacket and handing them to Agent Todd, "Put these on."

"My fingerprints are all over this aircraft," she said, finding it unreasonable to wear gloves now.

"Rule number two, always wear gloves at a crime scene."

The duo stopped in front of the body and Ducky who explained his findings, "I believe I know why there's a discrepancy in the time of death. Now since the Commander had lunch with the President, I'm sure the President's physician rushed to evaluate his condition. He also called Trapp's time of death."

Agent Todd crouched down to assess with the doctor, "Yes, once he was sure the President wasn't in medical danger, he returned and.. he was gone nearly an hour," she recalled, realizing her mistake in accusing the Ducky of miscalculating.

"Yes. I'm sure the autopsy will show that Commander Trapp expired almost immediately,"

"I owe you an apology, Doctor," she declared with sincerity.

"Oh, please, it's Ducky to my associates. I'm just relieved we straightened it out. It's inconsistencies like this to lead to conspiracy theories," He reassured. "It reminds me of a case once in New Orleans. A jealous husband shot his wife off a Mardi Gras float, right out of the clock at the corner of Bourbon Street," Ducky recalled, beginning a story Gibbs knew they didn't have time to listen to.

"Ah, doc, give it a rest. She's got work to do," Gibbs cut the medical examiner off.

"I'll tell you the rest later!" the doctor promised.

"Rule number three, don't believe what you're told. Double-check," he ordered as she followed him to the president's office.

"Should I write these rules in my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?" Todd asked sarcastically.

When they entered the room they were greeted with the chaos duo, both squished on the president's chair with M/n was sat cross-legged in Tony's lap while the latter twirled the telephone cable around his finger.

"Oh no, I draw the line at them sitting in the President's chair," she declared angrily.

"He's not using it, he'll never know," M/n shrugged.

"Gibbs!" she demanded.

"If you're finished taking pictures, start bagging and tagging," Gibbs commanded.

"Just waiting for you, boss," Tony replied, the duo getting up and grabbing bags to collect the evidence.

"Bagging and tagging what?" Todd asked.

"Well, to start with," he waved his hand at the plated food sitting on the desk, "everything. President was sitting there?" he pointed to the chair M/n and Tony were previously sitting in.

"Pretty good bet, since it is his desk," she answered sassily.

Tony offered an evidence bag to Gibbs who took it and began explaining how to properly 'bag and tag', "Okay, to maintain the chain of custody, take the item – in this case, Commander Trapp's lunch – place it in the evidence bag," he placed the entire plate in the bag, sealed it, and wrote the necessary data, "Seal it, record all pertinent information, initial across the seal."

During the explanation Agent Todd looked pale and distracted, to which M/n took notice to. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, ready for her to spill her guts.. gross.

When Gibbs turned to her saying, "Okay, why don't you try it?" she looks at him nervously before covering her mouth and bolting our of the room with Gibbs hot on her tail, yelling "Oh, wait a minute! Hey, wait! Wait a minute! Whoa! Stop!" Tony jogged after and M/n meandered to keep a safe distance. He could handle blood and whatever but not vomit. He cringed as he watched her spew clear liquid from her mouth into the evidence bag Gibbs was shoving in her face.

"Can I rinse now that you've got your evidence?" she spat irritably

"I don't even blame her, I'd be mad if someone collected my vomit too," M/n commented to Tony.

"Log it. Go find Ducky," the older man ordered as he handed the bag of fluid to DiNozzo while M/n made dramatic, disgusted faces in the background.

"You think she's got whatever killed the commander?" Tony suggested to which Gibbs only shrugged.

"Low temperature. I think it's a stomach virus," Ducky diagnosed, holding the thermometer in front of his face.

"I know it is," Agent Todd, lying across a sofa with a hand on her forehead, replied, "Did you use that thermometer on cadavers?"

"Would you rather I use the liver probe?" the medical examiner joked.

"Why you so sure it was the flu?" Gibbs asked curiously.

Todd sighed before explaining, "It's the same symptoms Major Kerry had."

"Did you work together recently?" Ducky wondered.

"No."

"Well if you didn't work with him, then how—"

"They doinked, doc," M/n stated simply as he walked into the area with a cup of chamomile tea for the sick agent's stomach.

"Did you think I was a virgin?" Agent Todd jested.

"I'd hoped not," Ducky replied, rising from his sat position.

The secret service agent sat up as M/n placed the lukewarm tea at the table near the couch arm. She half-heartedly rolled her eyes at his mischievous yet caring smile. She looks up at Gibbs, "You gonna lecture me about sleeping with people you work with?" she wondered.

The older man scoffed, "no, have you seen M/n and Tony? I ain't stopping them."

"They've slept together?" she inquired.

"Not yet," Gibbs replies with a smug grin.

A voice rang out from the plane intercoms, "Agent Todd, Agent Baer's on a secure line for you."

"Want me to take that call for you?" Gibbs offered.

"I'd have to be dead," she retorted as she heaved her heavy body off the comfortable couch and made her way to the cockpit. The older man's eyes stayed where the sick agent had left; he let a small smile slip onto his face then followed by a light chuckle.

Tony and M/n were back in the president's office, DiNozzo with his ass in the comfortable seat again and the other agent sat on the desk. The two faced one of the stewards that Agent Todd had kept on the plane.

"And how long you been on Air Force One?" Tony inquired, clipboard in hand.

"Five years, sir," the plane employee replied "two with president Clinton, three with president Bush."

He gave a slight look to M/n who gave a small nod, indicating he believed it to be truthful. Gibbs marched into the room and headed straight for the presidential toilet, not caring to give the interrogating duo a glance.

"Well, thank you very much, Chief Steward," Tony dismissed the steward.

"Yes, sir," he gives a small bow before excusing himself and leaving the room.

No longer having to look professional for the interrogation, M/n hopped off the wood desk and swung his legs over the chair arms and plopped into Tony's lap.

"What's you get?" Gibbs questioned from the bathroom.

"Food security is incredibly tight to avoid tampering with the president's food," M/n replied.

"Incognito purchases, randomly selected stores, nobody knows they're buying for Air Force One," Tony elaborated.

Ducky walked in quietly M/n giving a mischievous look before handing the equally mischievous older man the evidence camera.

"Steward usually prepare all the food but today the president had ribs and coleslaw..," Tony paused so he and M/n could pose while Ducky snapped a picture.

"..flown in from aa smokehouse in San Antonio," he continued as two duo and the doctor switched spots so the medical examiner could pose in the president's chair, "so they only reheated 'em and served 'em."

"Anybody else have ribs?" Gibbs inquired.

"Gibbs, if the ribs were poisoned, the president would've been affected," M/n stated.

"Maybe he's used to Papa Joe's Barbeque," he joked, toilet loudly flushing before he opens the door, "if you lot are through taking pictures of each other maybe we can move the body aft." The three looked disappointed before following their boss out the door.

Agent Todd walked down the stair irritably, having been just told off and yelled at by her boss. She stops in her tracks and turns to Gibbs who sat nearby, "Where's the body?"

"I don't know," He replied with exaggerated eyebrows and just as much surprise in his voice.

She gave him an unconvinced look before smiling and giggling at his dramatic performance. The older man let out a small chuckle.

"You move it to the off-ramp for a fast getaway?" Todd suggested with a smirk on her lips.

Gibbs looked around and drank his coffee with no reply but she could imply the answer. Agent Todd threw her jacket over her shoulders saying, "It won't work, Gibbs."

She sighed and slumped down into an airplane seat, "I've been ordered to turn the body over to the FBI at Andrews," she elaborated.

"You could stall them until we get off," Gibbs responded.

"No, I can't. I won't defy a direct order," Todd decided sternly but her voice softened, "I'm sorry, Gibbs."

He shakes his head, "Never say you're sorry." A gentle pause before he joked, "Ah, you don't have to crochet that one."

Kate Todd only smiles in response but it slowly fades. These people, though can be annoying, treated her far better than her current coworkers. Even the chaos duo showed care for her and now she felt as if she was betraying them.

The captain's voice on the intercom cuts though the silence, "Folks, please fasten your seatbelts, we're beginning our descent into Andrews at this time."

Both passengers buckled their seatbelts according to the captain's orders.

The plane landed on the runway where numerous black cars of the different agencies were scatter on the pavement. Gibbs bided farewell to Agent Todd while M/n gave her a big smile and a loud 'goodbye!' from his vehicle.

A black SUV sped down the highway with Agent Fornell and the designated driver inside. The driver glanced at Fornell before asking, "Why'd you let NCIS have the evidence they bagged on the plane?"

the FBI agent replied with a smirk, "Since we have the body we control the investigation. If a few ribs and coleslaw saves some face, what's it hurt? If the food was poisoned the President would-" he was interrupted by a cellphone ring. Fornell gave the driver a look but he said, "Not mine, sir."

Agent Fornell checked his own phone, "Not mine, either." He suspiciously turned to the backseat where the body from the plane was supposed to be and where the ringing was eminating from.

Tony, from inside the body bag, answered the call, "Hello?"

Gibbs spoke through the phone, "We're in the clear, you can get out of the body bag."

The driver abruptly slammed on his breaks in surprise forcing the cars behind them to stop aswell, honking angrily. At the dramatic reaction DiNozzo whispered, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not sure I want to."

"Fine. You and M/n still have to search Commander Trapp's apartment tonight," Gibbs reminded.

Tony whined, "Oh, Gibbs, come on! It's 1:00am."

"L/n is trailing you to pick up the body bag when the FBI tosses it," the older man informed.

"That's funny, Gibbs, real funny. Especially since-" Tony's sentence was cut off by a rustle followed my a yelp.

Gibbs hung up and mused from the comfort of his own vehicle, "I guess they found him."

Gibbs sauntered into the medical examiner's room where the Commander's cold, dead body laid on the equally cold metal table. Gerald, the ME assistant, turned to the older man mid-exit with the captain's clothes in tow, "I found Abby, she's on the way in," he reported.

"Yeah, did you wake her up?" Gibbs inquired.

"No, I called her on her cell. Sounded like one phat party," he commented with a deep, smooth voice.

Gibbs and Ducky quirked their brows at each other curiously while Gerald walks into the elevator.

"Find anything Ducky?" Gibbs redirected the conversation.

"Nope, and I won't for hours," Dr. Mallard answered before lifting the stiff arm to examine it with a magnifying glass, "I've just begun examining the body for needle marks."

"You think somebody stuck him?"

"I don't know."

"Anything on the uniform?" Gibbs peered at the flesh alongside the doctor.

"Not that I could see. I've sent it up to Abby."

"What's this?" Gibbs observed a mark on the skin.

"A mole," Ducky replied bluntly, he sighed, "Gibbs, go home. Get some sleep. I would if I could, this is gonna take all night. What's left of it."

Gibbs wandered away, snatching a roll of blue paper towels that he lays at the head of one of the several metal examination tables. He laid himself on the table, blue roll under his head and let out a satisfied groan and deep sigh. He turned on his side, facing away from the medical examiner, "Ducky, why would Abby go to a 'fat' party?"

"Jethro," Ducky smiled and turned off the overhead lights, leaving only the lamp over the Commander's body, "get some sleep."

In Abby's forensic lab the gothic girl is running UV light over Commander Trapp's uniform to spot any unusual substances. The door let out a loud beep before hissing open.

"Abby!" M/n called, running up with pattering footsteps. The two embrace each other excitedly, Abby exclaiming in reply, "M/n!"

Tony walked in after the energetic agent hauling a box of sealing items labeled 'evidence.' "Find anything on his uniform?" he wondered.

"Not yet," she answered after untangling from M/n.

"Well, I have a theory of how he was poisoned," Tony set the box down on the counter and revealed the contents of many bags. "This guy had enough vitamins, herbs, and organic food to open his own health market. If he was poisoned, I think you'll find it laced into one of these."

"So what are you gonna do while I'm finding poison in a health snack?" Abby asked as she began unpacking the bags.

"Wait," M/n answered with a smile.

"There's a futon, by the cabinet over there," she offered.

"Bless you," Tony sighed with a tired smile.

"What are you, my priest?" Abby giggled.

"Curse you?" Tony corrected.

M/n dragged the futon out to the floor, a small blanket resting on top. He gently flopped down on the mattress and Tony walked over and joined him. The two snoozed gently in each other's embrace, tired from the long night.

The next day the agents, including Todd and Fornell were gathered at the NCIS agents' desks with a screen lit up in the middle. The image was a scan of the victim's brain with a small area highlighted in red. Dr Mallard pointed out the spot, noting, "My neural pathology exam indicates that our victim succumbed to a cerebral embolism. Here, in the parietal lobe. I also found a number of clots, most of them centred in the renal artery."

"Is that unusual?" Kate wondered

Oh, not at all," Ducky answered, "In most cases of arterial thrombosis, clots will develop over a period of minutes or hours, spread to the rest of the body."

"But what caused them to develop in a healthy young aviator?" Gibbs inquired.

"Abby?" the M.E. prompted the gothic girl's explanation.

"Well I did a fibrinogen test," she turned the screen to the results of said test, "The procoagulant numbers were high, but they weren't off the charts."

"Any drugs that might induce the clotting?" Agent Fornell wondered.

"Well yeah, but none of those popped up," Abby answered, "I only iso'ed the epinephrine that was injected when he got jolted and juiced on the plane."

"No vitamins? Herbals?" Tony asked.

"All store bought, none of those will kill you, genius," M/n quipped, leaning on the former's desk.

"Yeah, the guy probably whizzed green but it won't cottage cheese your blood," Abby agreed

"Did you test the food that he ingested on Air Force One?" Agent Todd inquired.

"Everything that was bagged and tagged. Ribs, coleslaw, barby sauce... it was all negative for toxins," The forensic scientist replied, "I mean, that stuff will kill ya, but it'll take, like, thirty years. Do you dudes in the Secret Service ever think about throwing yourselves in front of the President's diet?" she joked, making Kate crack a small smile and Gibbs let out a quiet laugh.

"So, you're both saying he wasn't murdered?" Fornell clarified.

"However freakish and tragic, it apparently was a natural death," Ducky confirmed.

"I want my people to check your result," The FBI agent demanded.

"Of course. You and Agent Todd will be receiving copies of all our tests," The M.E. affirmed.

"Does it for me," Fornell conceded before asking Tony, "How's your butt?"

"It's really nice actually, his pants undermine the volume," M/n replied with a sly grin, next to Tony who had an equal grin.

Fornell gave a disgusted face and turned away and left. Kate quirked a brow, surely it was a joke and even if it wasn't surely it wasn't that big of a deal. She slowly turned to leave but Gibbs began tapping on the top of his computer screen with a pack of gum. She rolled her eyes and walked over to him.

"Kate, when's the President returning?" Gibbs wondered as she plucked a stick of gum from the pack.

"Uh, tomorrow. Noon. I'm flying back tonight to rejoin the detail," she answered.

"Mind if I tag along?" The older man asked. Agent Todd thought about it before he added sweetly, "Please?"

"Wow, you got a please outta him," M/n commented from behind her.

"You can," the brunette replied, "Your Sig Sauer can't. We have a rule: no weapons on Air Force One unless they're Secret Service." She watched him put away his weapon and stuck the gum in her mouth. Gibbs swung his coat over his arm and pulled it on before following Kate, whispering to his agents on his way out, "keep looking."

"Wow, he's not gonna tell us 'please'," Abby sighed.

[WIP]

Taglist: @eternal-ems

#male reader #ncis #tony dinozzo x male reader #tony dinozzo x reader #tony dinozzo #ziva david #gibbs #leroy jethro gibbs #rewrite #tim mcgee #abby sciuto #ducky #ncis x reader #ncis x male reader

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thatskynews · 5 months ago

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Happy timezones Sky kids!

Some of you may have experienced a problem where you appeared to be missing progress, unlocked outfits, and certain doors would not open. You may also remember that earlier today we performed some maintenance on our backend.

Your data is safe. That maintenance was specifically on one of many databases as part of our efforts to address problems which contributed to server errors last week. Unfortunately, that resulted in the database and its replicas doing so much work to accommodate the changes, that our backend services could not always get a response from them which is why you appear to have lost progress. The situation is improving, albeit much more slowly than we would prefer.

We are continuing our investigation into all of the root conditions to the original crop of server errors from last week, and we will continue to monitor for any changes in the current situation.

Thank you for your bug reports and for being so awesome while we work to address these issues!

#sky children of the light #sky cotl #thatskygame #(dev updates)#(darthlukan [dev])

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ketrindoll · 5 months ago

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"Elon Musk staff has been caught plugging in hard drives inside the Office of Personnel Management (OPM), the Treasury Department, and the General Services Administration (GSA). His staff encountered resistance when demanding that Treasury officials grant access to systems managing the flow of more than $6 trillion annually to programs like Social Security and Medicare. Tensions escalated when Musk’s aides were discovered at OPM accessing systems, including a vast database known as the Enterprise Human Resources Integration (EHRI), which contains sensitive information such as dates of birth, Social Security numbers, performance appraisals, home addresses, pay grades, and length of service for government employees. In response to employees speaking out, Musk’s aides locked civil servants out of computer systems and offices, with reports of personal items being searched."

Elon is taking over every person's in America private data. Not an elected official, a nobody, really. And Americans are doing fuck all about it.

You naive bastards who claimed "the fight isn't over" - this would be the time to have that fight. Or by the time you lift your asses it's going to be beyond too late. The moment to act is yesterday.

Keep up being an activist on social media only and you'll get to watch your entire democracy crumble before March Madness. Oh, and everything about you falling into the hands of a nazi. Have fun.

#elon musk #us politics #democracy #maga #trump #i bet those who didn't vote or voted third party #are proper happy about it #right?#what a hard choice it must've been #this vs Kamala #lol

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mltshphq · 6 months ago

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A Timeline and History of MLKSHK, MLTSHP

👋 Hi, I’m Brad Choate. Here’s a recollection of my involvement with MLKSHK and MLTSHP over the years. The following is pieced together from bits of email, Twitter, TypePad, Tumblr, database records, and aging neurons.

A timeline of mlkshk.com

Domain registration - 4/13/2008

Initial commit from Andre - 3/13/2010

First commit from Ivan - 10/1/2010

AWS database created - 10/20/2010

First posted file (“farrrrrt bird”) - 10/27/2010

First users created (82) - 10/28/2010

Opens to limited audience - 10/28/2010

First TypePad blog post - 12/29/2010

Opens to wider audience via invites, waitlist - ~1/4/2011

First comment - 1/11/2011

Opens to general public - ~4/26/2011

First commit from Mark - 5/19/2011

Shutdown announcement - 5/1/2014

Andre is hired at Slack - ?

Shutdown averted? - 6/18/2014

Shutdown averted announcement - 6/30/2014

First commit from Brad - 8/3/2014

Good Web Bundle promotion - 11/19/2014

Subscription woes - 5/20/2015

More subscription woes - 7/9/2015

Subscriptions restored (delaying another imminent shutdown) - 3/24/2016

Final shutdown announcement - 2/22/2017

Enters read-only mode - 3/31/2017

Waxy.org post about MLKSHK’s closure - 4/13/2017

Closes - 5/1/2017

Lifespan from 10/27/2010 - 2,379 days, or 6 years, 6 months, 5 days.

Lifespan extended 3 years from 5/1/2014 shutdown announcement.

A timeline of mltshp.com

Continuation community assembles itself… on Facebook?! - 11/3/2016

mltshp.com domain registration date - 3/9/2017

Initial commit to Github by Brad - 3/17/2017

Fundraising - 3/24/2017

Gettin things done - 3/31/2017

MLKSHK user login support - 4/30/2017

GIF to Video feature - 5/9/2017

First Tumblr blog post and launch - 5/16/2017

Dropped Google Analytics - 5/10/2019

2019 State of the SHP - 8/29/2019

Site search introduced - 9/3/2019

4th birthday - 5/16/2021

Fastly CDN switch(back) - 12/22/2022

6th birthday - 5/16/2023

Happy 7th Birthday - 5/16/2024

Lifespan to date (as of this writing on 12/24/2024): 2,780 days, or 7 years, 7 months, 9 days.

Some personal history

I joined MLKSHK by invitation on January 6, 2011 as a regular user. I found MLKSHK to be a breath of fresh air compared to your typical social media site (which still holds true today). After the shutdown announcement in 2014, I tried to offer help and reached out again around July 2014 after the announcement that the site would not be closing. I had met Andre once before, but mostly knew of him through colleagues at Six Apart. Andre took me up on the volunteer help… remember, by this time he wasn’t running MLKSHK as a business, so the ~3 years that follow are maintaining the site as a hobby, particularly since it was still losing money.

Initially, I helped with site performance issues, including some query optimizations. As time passed, it became clear that the site was still in danger of closing due to the cost of services it was incurring, which was not offset enough by subscriptions. So Andre and I went through a cost assessment process and we identified a number of things that could be done. Switching away from Fastly to a cheaper CDN (KeyCDN at the time) shaved CDN operational costs by 66% (Fastly charges 12 cents per gigabyte of transfer and KeyCDN charges 4 cents) so we started there, since it was the easiest change to make and had the most impact.

I also helped with the site’s participation in the “Good Web Bundle” promotion which brought in a few subscribers and returning members. The following year (2015), we had to rebuild subscriptions from scratch since both Tugboat and Amazon payments had to be retired, and we replaced those with Stripe. Alas, the site was still just not able to sustain itself as it was, and a decision was made to close for good in 2017.

Before that happened, the MLKSHK community began a conversation with Andre to transition the site to a community-run operation. I wasn’t involved in discussions, so don’t have insight into the choice behind creating a new domain and brand instead of adopting MLKSHK outright (I suspect Andre just preferred a clean break). Andre agreed to share all data and source code to the transition team. I helped with transitioning the source code for MLKSHK; cleaning it up for the basis of the MLTSHP repository to become an open source project.

It was decided that it would be best to make MLTSHP more closed in nature… so much of MLKSHK was open to free users, even some allowance for post creation. The plan was to relaunch with a membership requirement, but also with two price plans - the regular $24/year membership (plus an option to specify any amount over $24/year if the member wants to), and a new $3/year membership which effectively was the same level of service that was provided for free registered users before. While posting was being restricted to members, we wanted to keep certain things open for all: our “Popular” page, and individual post links which can be shared anywhere.

There would be some downtime between MLKSHK’s closure and the launch of MLTSHP. We aimed to keep that downtime low, but it gave us some time to make some larger changes that would make for a more sustainable and cost-efficient service.

Switching off of Amazon AWS for web server and database service was a big one. I had wanted to do this for MLKSHK as early as 2014, but we never did. I took a snapshot of AWS expenses from January 2017 and costs for that month were $400 (just RDS + S3 + EC2 and outbound data transfer to our CDN). We switched these to use Linode. For CDN service, KeyCDN was more cost effective than Fastly was, but we decided to switch to using Cloudflare for CDN since it wouldn’t cost anything (ironically, MLTSHP has since switched back to Fastly after receiving an offer to operate at no cost). The only remaining AWS feature MLTSHP is using is S3 for block storage. There are some cheaper S3-compatible services available, but the potential savings have never justified the task of a migration. Operational costs today are less than half of what we were spending for AWS alone, and we pay nothing for CDN service.

We also set up a real deployment process, utilizing Buildkite (they offer a free account for us to use), making it easier to test and deploy community-led changes. This also included utilizing Docker which also makes it easier for contributors to run their own copy of the site locally for development.

Ahead of MLTSHP’s launch, a service was built that would transcode GIF images (a popular, but heavy file format) to video formats that those would serve instead of the original GIF file. This was a cost-saving measure, since popular GIFs lead to a lot of traffic, so the smaller the better.

Another must-have for relaunch was a process that would migrate a user’s MLKSHK data when they signed into MLTSHP. This required us to load all the MLKSHK data into the MLTSHP database (in a separate set of tables) and we also had permission from Andre to make a wholesale copy of the MLKSHK S3 bucket to MLTSHP’s S3 bucket so all images were preserved.

And we also had a full rebranding to do. Replacing all site design and assets so that it was different, but retaining the spirit of the original site.

There have been a lot of changes to the site since that time. We’ve added site-wide search, responsive design so the site works well for mobile devices, support for light and dark mode, an alt text field so images can be described, and many other things. Big feature releases are few and far between, but the site is stable which is a great feature.

Our Github repo has had 412 commits from 26 different contributors. There’s still a lot of stuff to do (patches welcome)! But the most important feature we’ve developed is a self-sustainable community. We don’t have to worry about closing.

#history

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nando161mando · 1 year ago

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"No Tech for Apartheid’s protest is as much about what the public doesn’t know about Project Nimbus as what it does. The contract is for Google and Amazon to provide AI and cloud computing services to the Israeli government and military, according to the Israeli finance ministry, which announced the deal in 2021.

Nimbus reportedly involves Google establishing a secure instance of Google Cloud on Israeli soil, which would allow the Israeli government to perform large-scale data analysis, AI training, database hosting, and other forms of powerful computing using Google’s technology, with little oversight by the company.

Google documents, first reported by the Intercept in 2022, suggest that the Google services on offer to Israel via its Cloud have capabilities such as AI-enabled facial detection, automated image categorization, and object tracking."

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mariacallous · 1 month ago

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Considering how many of them (not necessarily any of the performers interviewed/featured) were saying they were supporting Trump in 2024, I don't know what to tell them now since Project 2025 was always going to target and censor porn (of any definition).

Asa Akira doesn’t want your teenager learning about sex from her videos any more than you do.

“It's devastating to me that someone's first experience of sex could be a gang-bang scene of mine. Like, that's not OK,” says Akira, 40, from inside a spacious villa at the Sunset Marquis hotel in West Hollywood, where she and other adult stars are getting their hair and makeup done for the seventh annual Pornhub Awards at the nearby Saddle Ranch Chop House.

The suite, which features a grand piano currently topped with different styles of fake eyelashes, has the distinct slightly burnt smell of recently straightened hair. A TV plays music videos by Lady Gaga and Avril Lavigne—I’m told a Katy Perry track was mocked relentlessly earlier in the day.

Akira, a 5'2'' titan of the industry who, according to the Internet Adult Film Database, has appeared in more than 900 adult films, understands the concerns about minors looking at porn, but she doesn’t think it’s a problem for her industry to solve. More so, she thinks it’s a societal issue that should be addressed with more practical sex education.

“If we had better sex ed, young people would not look to porn as education, just like they don't look to a movie to learn how to act in the world … When it comes to sex, or even being nude, we talk about it so little. Of course, when they're naturally curious at a certain age, the only thing to look at right now is porn, and of course they're gonna look.”

They might have a harder time looking these days, depending on where they live. Last week, the Arizona House of Representatives passed a bill requiring adult websites to verify that their visitors are at least 18. If signed into law by Governor Katie Hobbs, Arizona will become the 21st state to pass a similar measure since Louisiana started the trend in 2022. But in most cases, rather than rely on third-party services to collect people’s identification data, Pornhub has opted to remove its content from the impacted jurisdictions, meaning it is no longer available in at least 17 states.

Alex Kekesi, vice president of brand and community for Pornhub, says the site agreed to verify user ages in Louisiana, but it resulted in an 80 percent drop in traffic because people didn’t want to hand over their IDs. While Kekesi says Pornhub is in favor of preventing minors from watching porn, the company doesn’t believe these bans are the right way to go about it. Still, Pornhub remains one of the most visited websites in the world, which shows that the consumption of pornography, despite being controversial, is in fact extremely mainstream.

WIRED spent a day in Los Angeles with Akira and several of Pornhub’s other biggest stars as they got ready for and attended the awards show. The event was Western-themed, in spite—or perhaps because—of the fact that most of the age-verification legislation in the US is coming from the southern states. The stars in attendance discussed how social media censorship and Pornhub’s greatly reduced footprint are impacting their bottom lines, the pros and cons of shooting “mainstream” studio porn versus self-publishing their own videos, the struggles of online dating, and celebrating transgender porn—a category that’s been steadily rising in popularity—under a presidential administration that is openly hostile to trans bodies.

Pornhub is on an image rehabilitation journey. In December 2023, its Canadian parent company Aylo admitted to profiting from the proceeds of sex trafficking videos in federal court in Brooklyn. A 2020 New York Times investigation revealed multiple allegations accusing the site of hosting—and monetizing–videos showing child abuse; it has also been sued by dozens of women accusing it of sex trafficking. As part of an agreement with the US government, in 2023 Aylo, which has been acquired by private equity firm Ethical Capital Partners, consented to a three-year independent monitor and to pay a fine and damages. It also publishes twice-yearly transparency reports, says it has beefed up how it verifies the IDs and releases of uploaders and performers on the site, and partnered with the Internet Watch Foundation to create a set of good practices for porn sites in order to prevent the publication of child sexual abuse material.

“We are really quite buttoned up when it comes to our trust and safety protocol,” Kekesi says, adding they are incorporating AI into content moderation.

She says Pornhub supports an age verification system for users that could be done through a person’s phone, rather than by using a third-party site. Part of the reason she’s been doing so much press, she adds, is she wants governments and tech companies to “collaborate and work together on an effective solution.”

But many US politicians are taking a much harsher stance. Last week, US senator Mike Lee, a Utah Republican, introduced a bill that would criminalize pornography federally.

“Obscenity isn’t protected by the First Amendment, but hazy and unenforceable legal definitions have allowed extreme pornography to saturate American society and reach countless children,” Lee stated in a press release promoting the Interstate Obscenity Definition Act. The bill targets “actual or simulated sexual acts with the objective intent to arouse, titillate, or gratify the sexual desires of a person” and content that “lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.”

A hidden-camera video published last year by the British nonprofit Centre for Climate Reporting showed Project 2025 coauthor Russell Vought saying the age-verification laws were a “back door” way of enacting a federal porn ban.

“We’ve got a number of states that are passing this and, you know, what happens is the porn company then says, ‘We’re not going to do business in your state,’ which of course is entirely what we were after, right?” said Vought, a Christian nationalist who is now head of the federal government’s Office of Management and Budget.

The age-verification laws have resulted in lawsuits, both from state governments suing website operators for allegedly failing to comply and from adult entertainment groups suing states for violating free speech laws. The US Supreme Court is currently reviewing a Texas case, which could have huge implications for the future of age-verification laws.

These measures appear to be, at least in part, ideologically motivated as part of a larger push for Americans to return to ultra-traditional Christian values, have lots of kids, and embrace old-school gender roles.

The funny thing is, when I ask Akira how she balances a porn career with being a mother of a 4-year-old and a 6-year-old, she says her job has actually allowed her to be around her kids all the time.

“In my kids’ eyes, I am a stay-at-home mom,” she says, sitting in front of a six-foot-tall mirror, her glittery turquoise eyeshadow popping in contrast to the baggy gray T-shirt and sweats she has on. “I'm kind of worried that they're not gonna understand the concept of work, because I'm home when they are.”

Akira’s own parents are Japanese immigrants, but because they are both creatives, she says they weren’t as strict on her as one might expect. Still, they did send her to private school, and while supportive, “they would literally rather have me do anything else in the world,” she says, laughing.

When she and her husband decided to start their own family, around seven years ago, she stopped shooting scenes with partners because it’s too time consuming. Plus, her husband would be too jealous, she adds.

“There's no way he could handle it,” she says.

Though she’s open with her kids about where babies come from and the proper names for private parts, they’re too young to understand what she does for a living, so she tells them she’s a video producer.

“I don't want to lie to them, you know. And I'm hoping that I'm laying all the building blocks so that when the time comes when it's appropriate to tell them, I can be like, ‘Oh, well, you know how I make videos—they're only for grown-ups,’”

Porn's peaks and valleys

Akira started out as a dominatrix in her native New York City at age 19 before moving into adult films. Initially, she mostly did movies shot by studios, and got off on it.

“Being on set, people watching me … You and the other performer are forcing this chemistry to make this product that people are going to jerk off to. All of that to me is hot.”

But self-publishing solo videos on Pornhub or OnlyFans, as she now does, means she gets to keep a much bigger cut.

“There are people who make millions a month on OnlyFans,” she says, though she won’t disclose her own earnings. At the height of her studio career, she was earning up to $4,000 for some threesome scenes, but she says studio performers don’t typically see any additional money beyond what they make on the day of the shoot.

Fellow Pornhub ambassador Queenie Sateen, who is up for the award of top lesbian performer, has only been in the game for three years, and has primarily done studio porn—“it’s more glamorous,” she says. She admits that having focused less on developing a massive OnlyFans audience may have been to her detriment. But even that’s not fail-proof. She says the top self-published earners she knows are seeing “big, big decreases in their subscribers.” She’s also heard about some studios using AI clauses in fine print that would allow them to use actors’ likenesses to create scenes they didn’t perform, another possible threat to their bottom line, in addition to potentially being unethical.

“There's peaks and valleys, and I feel like we're in a valley,” she says. As a musician, she says she’s considered a “re-pivot” in that direction if porn continues to be less lucrative. Akira chimes in that her primary source of income has varied over the years, from strip club tours to Snapchat Premium subscriptions to her branded fleshlight.

Frequent social media bans and censorship don’t make things easier. Akira, who is nominated for favorite social media personality, is on her seventh Instagram account because she says Instagram shut down the previous six. To avoid further scrutiny, her current account is so heavily sanitized “that it’s practically fraudulent.” Pornhub itself was kicked off Instagram, where it had over 13 million followers, in the fall of 2022.

“It hurts my feelings on a personal level,” Akira says. “On a business level, it makes things very, very hard. It's hard to sell sex when you can't promote it on any type of mainstream platform.”

Natassia Dreams, who is nominated for favorite trans model, is on her 16th Instagram account. As a Black trans star, she says being “one of the most marginalized on top of the marginalized, marginalized, marginalized in all of the fields, it's really special to have these moments and lift each other up.”

Dreams got into porn in 2004 because it felt safer than escorting. But it hasn’t been easy, even with trans porn growing in viewership—there’s data suggesting it’s especially popular in red states—and being recognized for more awards. (Pornhub had five trans categories this year, after adding a new one in 2024.) She attributes it to an increase in fluidity around gender and attraction across the culture, but says trans characters in mainstream porn are often fetishized for the male gaze.

“I just feel like they don't want to project the trans woman as a beautiful woman, because it's in their fantasy. They want to keep a trans woman as that little dirty secret,” she says, adding that she wants to see more trans writers and directors, along with more romantic storylines.

While all of the women have their “no lists”—sex acts they won’t do—Akira says it’s a privilege to be able to turn down work. It’s a luxury she didn’t always have. When she started out, “I built my name on shooting Asian fetish content.” When she still shot with men, her no list ended up including reverse cowgirl because it’s uncomfortable. Sateen’s? “No mommy shit.” Dreams, meanwhile, says her no list includes a man she shot with for 11 years. One of the job’s occupational hazards, she says, is catching feelings for someone who is great in bed.

“You’re building this relationship but then it’s like, OK, this is just work.” On the flip side, being on dating apps like Raya, is “very frustrating.”

“People expect that you’re like this person they’ve seen in the videos.”

Showtime

After six hours of hair, makeup, salads, and getting into Western costumes designed by Chris Habana, who has outfitted and accessorized stars like Beyoncé and Rihanna, it’s almost showtime.

Akira wears a baby blue dress spotted with belt buckles, Sateen is in chaps, and Dreams dons a floor-length purple fur coat lined with cash. The three of them and a handful of other stars storm the Sunset Marquis’ hallways and grounds to take a million sexually charged family-photo-style pics, as non-Pornhub-affiliated hotel guests gape in confusion. Then they pile into a party bus and continue to pose for paparazzi-style photos as they clamor out into the night.

A woman on the sidewalk outside Saddle Ranch asks her friend who these people are.

“Those are the people your friends jerk off to,” her friend responds.

The Saddle Ranch has a red carpet, set against a wall of bounty-hunter-style “wanted” posters depicting famous porn stars. It’s an informal affair—90 percent just a party, with stars like Kim Petras and Diplo in attendance. There’s a mechanical bull, a giant banana mascot in a bandana and cowboy hat, and gift bags with weed gummies.

Host and comedian Jordan Firstman hands out the awards, which go by quickly, with acceptance speeches featuring lines like, “Thank you for everybody in this room who has fucked me so good.” The only speech I catch that approaches a political message comes from Girthmaster, an Aussie who ties for “best dick” with Spanish performer Jordi El Niño Polla. “I guess this is another reason immigrants are good,” the 6'6'' Girthmaster says, to loud cheers.

Perhaps the most surprising aspect is that it’s pretty tame, sexually speaking. Firstman, who tells me he’s been to Pornhub after-parties in the past and noticed a distinct lack of orgies, offers a possible explanation.

“I think it's like when you have sex for a living, the work events tend to be more social than turned up.”

Akira says for her the night is about celebrating sex positivity at a time when that’s getting harder to come by. Then she gets a little defiant.

“I’m 40 years old. I can do whatever I want with my pussy. It’s kind of sad that that’s radical.”

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