#did some online shopping without getting anything just to try and feel something

[that-trans-autistic-guy]

why i love the edwin-crystal sibling like relationship from memory and why it makes me love crystal even more

there simply isn't enough online about 1. how awesome crystal is as a character and 2. how awesome her and edwin's relationship is. so imma dump all my thoughts here from pure memory.

ep1: so yeah, they start rough. but when jenny points out to crystal that she's so focused on her own problems that she's ignoring everyone else's, just like how she said the boys did, she resolves to change that. she realized she was being unfair because it was pointed out and she decided to try and be better. when edwin breaks down, she's listening. she's listening and understanding. she tells this boy, who has not been the nicest to her but she's beginning to understand, that she gets it. that she sees him, that his unnoticed death matters to her. she sees the sharp, jagged, raw and emotional parts of a boy that she'd only seen as cold and logical thus far. and when his unusually timid voice asks if they can focus on becky's case, she agrees. in the butcher shop, she offers to once again explain the internet to edwin. implying that she'd already done so. and she says it without any condescendence. when she's knocked to the ground, edwin helps her up and they sort of cling to each other as charles is reckless.

ep2: not as much here from what i remember but there's still some stuff. edwin does actually commend her actions in luring the sprites out, followed by telling her not to do it again. from an emotionally repressed boy from a time when fixing each other's clothes was the most intimate thing you could do in public, thats quite a big step.

ep3: one of my personal faves. crystal is quick to point out that edwin is jealous of her and charles. she does actually assure him that nothing would happen and its just a small show of her care for his feelings. now, in the house, do they bicker and argue? yes they do. but i would argue that most of that is fueled by their anxiety and fear for charles. when crystal points out that charles has issues, he ultimately listens. its shown immediately the next ep when he tries to be better and offer himself as a safe space, something he wouldn't have thought to do without crystal's guidance. when they actually work together, its incredible. crystal literally fights her own personal demon to get back to the boys. edwin is trusting her enough to openly admit that he has no idea how a vhs works and trusts her to put in the work to save his person. when she's in danger, he pulls her out because he cares and she's given him reason to. she doesn't question when she comes out from her own head and edwin immediately asks for help, something he almost never does. when she talks about how she's a bad person, edwin immediately tells her that she isn't. he wastes no time in assuring her that she couldn't be anything but the person she is now. she also points out the moment charles' mask goes right back up and offers a lot of insight to edwin. because edwin hasn't really had a friend before charles and charles was already doing this when they met. he had no reason to think that it wasn't a normal thing. but crystal points it out and he notices, he listens and he learns.

ep4: this is another one i dont particularly remember much of these two from. the ep starts with edwin asking if charles wanted to talk about his father, something he never would have done without crystal's guidance. when edwin tells crystal and charles to go off together, she asks him if he's ok, which in the moment, is said in a somewhat joking tone. but once he's gone, she asks charles about it because she's concerned about him and she knows him well enough to know something's wrong. when she's angry that the washer woman didn't give her an answer, he apologizes genuinely because he does want the best for her.

ep5: this ep starts off with a lot of emotional maturity from crystal. she admits that she isn't in the right space to start a relationship and i'll be honest, i hadn't seen that from a show before. made me love her even more. one of my favorite moments of the show is them haunting twitchy ritchy. when he makes deprecating and homophobic 'jokes', crystal is quick to shut him down. and i would argue that she knew edwin was gay, i'd argue for hours. she notices his distress and immediately shuts the dude down, and hard. in return, when ritchy tries to be intimidating, edwin is the first to step in. he extinguishes the flame with a satisfied lil smirk and crystal didn't even have to look over to know that he would step in. and we don't really see it, but i'd bet watching edwin do childish little haunting things probably made her smile. it's a scene i think about all the time. when edwin shoos them away from the summoning and charles questions his choice, crystal sticks up for the decision. its small and unintentional, but there is an aspect where she admits that he's right. something she wouldn't do if she didn't like him and respect him. and when edwin realizes that marin killed the jocks, he's rushing out behind charles. hell it looks like he's pushing him forward to get them downstairs. crystal emphasizes at the end that she sympathizes with the boys, that it was a shitty thing to have in common that they were all victims. yet she offers her sympathy nonetheless. and when edwin says he's had enough emotion for the day, she isn't offended that he wasn't receptive or anything like that. she just smiles, knowing that he really can't handle a lot of emotions and she knows that he doesn't mean anything negative by it. she shows that she understands him and that she doesn't judge who he is.

ep6: when crystal loses her powers, she's scared to tell edwin. she says that she's afraid that he would consider her useless and toss her aside. but that stems from the fact that she really values him as a friend and is scared of being abandoned by the only people she has. and when edwin finds out, he is shocked sure but he's also concerned. he insists that he wouldn't have left her behind and she tells him that he would. its an emotional moment for her and i wouldn't write off that she's just really defensive in the moment. when she sees the boys in trouble, about to be dead-dead, that's when she regains her abilities because she cares about both of the boys and gods be damned if she's gonna let a witch tear them from her. and as the walk back, she leans into charles because she knows edwin doesn't like touch. but he's still right behind her, still nearby and offering silent support. and he goes the step of naming one of their plans after her, plain and simple. she shows her appreciation in the same slightly sarcastic tone they use with each other all the time.

ep7: so many thoughts. the second she finds out that edwin is in hell, she's already resolved to go get him. she has known the boy for a few weeks at most and she cares so much and is so selfless that she doesn't hesitate to volunteer to go to actual fucking hell. when she's told she can't? she tracks down her abusive demon ex who has literally tormented and plagued her mind nonstop. she walks right into his domain and demands he open her a door to hell. literally demands the person who has ruined her life to let her into hell to rescue her friend. when he refuses? she's ready to throw hands and doesn't hesitate to do so. and when the boys come back? yes, she does hug charles and not edwin, but she knows that isn't his thing. but when it cuts back to the teens after the night nurse speaks, you see her arm falling from edwin's. even though he hates hugs and she knows it, she still reached out and held his arm to show how happy she was that he was there, that he was safe. because even though he doesn't hug, she still needed to show him she was happy he was back. she talks about how she fought david and edwin expresses surprise and concern. her retort? 'it was the funniest thing. my friend got dragged to hell and i just had to try and help him.' she doesn't even think about hiding how much she cares and edwin's little smile just confirms how much it means to him.

ep8: when she's recovering her memories, edwin is there. he's watching over her with charles and that just hits something in me. he must have spent so long in the dollhouse exhausted, hoping someone would watch over him so he could be safe and rest. and when crystal is vulnerable, he's doing it. he watches over her as she calls her parents and the second she says that they didn't care, he is insisting that there must be some kind of explanation. every time she wakes up after eating the memory orbs, he rushing to her right beside charles. and i'd bet my bottom dollar he was stressed the whole time she was out. when crystal leaves, edwin does offer her a handshake. she jokes about how he's changed, how he's gotten friendlier, and he jokes back, even throwing in a reference to hell. it's a sweet little interaction and it shows their friendship and familiarity. esther takes the boys and she doesn't hesitate to work a way to get them back. she goes right to the cat king and argues that edwin is her friend and tck should help them because he has personal interest. she charges right into esther's house and already has a plan in place. she spends a minute on charles because she knows edwin's in danger and his screams are fucking unbearable. she offers herself as a distraction so niko can free edwin. when she's pinned against the wall, she scream-pleads for edwin to hold on and it is full of desperation, because she needs her friend to be okay. that scream haunts my mind because she is scared and she knows he is too, and she needs him to hold on and be okay. and when niko 'dies', they are huddled over her body and mourning together. in the end, edwin gives her a professional offer for her to have a permanent place with the agency. and this girl, so naturally full of love and affection, hugs him with a massive smile on her face. because she's been looking for people to belong with and she's found em and they want her around. and she's gonna do anything she can to hold onto them, come hell, demons or high water.

basically, crystal is beyond amazing and her sibling relationship with edwin is my favorite. if you don't like her, argue with the goddamn wall.

[secondarysefikura]

Time travel au: A few days after Sephiroth found Cloud he wants to get him some clothes since he can’t wear Sephiroth’s clothes all the time, especially when they’re to big for him He’d like to take Cloud to a clothing store that he goes to, but unfortunately he finds out very quickly that Cloud does not want to leave the apartment because when he tells Cloud about them leaving the apartment for awhile Cloud has a panic attack. After calming Cloud down Sephiroth decides to order them online, so after doing some measurements on Cloud to see what size he is, Sephiroth starts doing some online shopping. He tries to get Cloud to pick out what clothes he’d like to wear, but Cloud just says “Whatever you want.” Sephiroth ends up getting Cloud a decent amount of clothes, but he makes a mental note to himself that once Cloud is comfortable enough to leave the apartment they can try shopping for more clothes and hopefully he can pick them out.

When Sephiroth comes back one day with the box of clothes, Cloud is very confused. It was once thing for Sephiroth to let him wear his clothes, but now he’s gotten him new ones. And they’re nothing like the old types of clothing Sephiroth would make him wear, that being that they barely covered him up, and if they did they were usually see threw(and a lot of times Sephiroth wouldn’t even have him wear anything), but not these are nothing like like his old ones. Luckily Cloud ends up loving his new clothes, they’re so soft!

Not knowing what sort of clothes Cloud might prefer, Sephiroth makes sure that he gets Cloud several different styles of clothing in a wide variety of colours.

Once the clothes arrive, Sephiroth makes careful mental notes of what Cloud seems to prefer. If he asks Cloud point blank which outfit style he feels most comfortable in, Cloud will always insist he's happiest in whatever Sephiroth prefers. Observing Cloud casually, however, Sephiroth can get a much clearer picture of what Cloud actually likes.

First, he notices that Cloud prefers muted and dark colours. You give him anything too bright, and Cloud will avoid wearing it unless everything else is dirty. Blacks, greys, browns, deep purples, dark blues, and autumn greens; these are the colours he likes. Oh, and he has a very negative reaction to certain shades of pink.

Next, Cloud likes loose and comfy clothing. Soft sweaters that he can sorta hide in seem to be his favourites. He will wear some more form fitting clothes, but he seems happiest when things are loose.

Finally, his absolute favourite piece of clothing is, without a doubt, anything that belong to Zack. If Zack comes by for a visit and makes the mistake of taking off the hoodie he was wearing for even a moment? It's Cloud's now. The only way to get Cloud to part with his stolen clothes is for Zack to trade him something else the next time he's over.

[sturniozo]

Tutor Part Five

NOT PROOFREAD

masterlist

It’s the weekend after the game and I can’t help but lay in bed and do nothing. What do I even do? I could study or read,

I could play video games or shop online. I probably shouldn’t shop online though. I end up blowing my whole paycheck each time.

No, the options were not suitable. There was only one thing I really wanted to do and that was hang out with Chris. It’s crazy to me, I usually want to be around Nick, since he’s my best friend. But this time all I can think about is Chris.

Did he really mean it when he said he wanted to hang out this weekend? I guess there’s only one way to find out. I’d have to text him and ask.

Text him.

Just text him.

I stare at my phone, screaming internally to get myself to text him. But I just stay staring at my phone.

Text him.

TEXT HIM.

I sigh. It’s not going to happen. I lay back down on my bed, but as soon as my head hits the pillow my phone starts to ring. I jolt up and slip off my bed, landing on the floor. I pluck my phone from my bed and answer the call without even getting off the floor or looking at who called me?

“Hello?” I ask.

“Hey, y/n you free tonight?” Chris. Damn the butterflies in my stomach. God how do I respond? I need to think of something. Yes I’m free, I’m always free on weekends. Of course I’m free.

“Not really.”

What the fuck.

“Oh damn, I thought you’d wanna hang out tonight. Come over and watch a movie with me, Matt and Nick.”

I can. I totally can. I’d love to, in fact.

“Sorry, I can’t tonight.”

You fucking liar.

“That’s too bad. What are you doing tonight?”

Great. Just great. What are you gonna say to that?

“Just stuff.”

I have no words for how stupid I am.

“Stuff, really? Stuff that’s so important you can’t do it later and come watch a movie with us?”

No, it’s not important it’s nothing.

“Yep.”

I hate myself.

“Well. I see. I’ll talk to you later then.”

Don’t go.

“Yep. Bye Chris.”

He hangs up and I throw my phone. I roll over on the floor and cover my face with my hands.

God I’m a dumbass.

Before I can do anything else my phone rings again. This time I’m smart enough to check who’s calling.

Nick.

God now I’m in trouble. I answer it quickly and before I can say anything Nick speaks.

“You’re not busy doing ‘stuff’ what the fuck are you blowing us off for?” He says bitterly.

“Nothing. I don’t know why I said any of that I just… It was Chris that asked and I wasn’t thinking and-“

“He thinks you hate him.”

“I don’t hate him.”

“I know you’re obsessed with him. You have a shrine to him in your closet.”

“I do not. Shut up.”

“Come watch the damn movie with us. Spend the night.”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“You better some up with something good to spare Chris’s feelings.”

“Tell him I’m sorry.” I beg.

“Just come over and do it yourself.” Nick says before hanging up.

I get to their house and know on the door. I’m almost immediately greeted by Chris.

“Hey, y/n!” He says as he smiles at me. He steps back to let me in the house. I walk in and he closes the door behind me.

We walk into the kitchen where Nick and Matt are preparing snacks.

“Y/n you’re here!” Nick says. He holds up the bowl of popcorn. “Ready for movie night?”

“Oh yeah, definitely.” I respond. We all walk to the living room and sit down on the couch. Matt puts on the movie they had pulled up and ready.

Chris sits next to me and places his arm over my shoulders. I try to stay calm and look as if it doesn’t affect me.

Throughout the movie Chris continues to scoot closer and closer to me, until his arm is wrapped fully around my waist and has me pulled so the sides of our bodies are pressed together. My face is covered with blush so I try to hide my face from his view so he doesn’t know how much he affects me.

Movie night lasts for three more movies, and by then it’s 3 am. Matt went to bed in the middle of the last movie, unable to hold out tho whole time. At the end of the last movie, Chris stands up and holds his hand out for me.

At this point i was tired and groggy. I take Chris’s hand without a second thought.

“Wanna go sleep in my room tonight?” He mumbles close to my ear as his arm wraps around my waist, keeping me steady.

This catches me off guard, and I look up at him in shock. “Wh-what? I thought I was gonna sleep in Nicks room, like always.”

“Nicks cool with it, aren’t you Nick?”

“It’s whatever.” Nick replies. Chris turns back to me.

“See, he’s cool with it.”

“But… I’m not.” I say and look down.

“Is this about what I said yesterday after the game? I didn’t mean it like that, I swear. I’d never objectify you like that. I just meant, y’know, you looked hot.”

“Chris it’s not about that.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No, I just… I’d rather sleep in Nick’s room.”

“Oh. I just thought. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s okay. I would just rather be with my best friend tonight.”

“Maybe some other night then?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay well, goodnight y/n.”

“Goodnight Chris.”

Chris walks off to his bedroom and I join Nick going to his. I sit down on his bed.

“Hey, are you uncomfortable with Chris? I can talk to him for you.” Nick says to me as he sits next to me on his bed.

“I’m not uncomfortable… I was just caught off guard. I like him.”

“He likes you.” Nick tells me.

“He just likes women.”

“True, but he likes you especially. When you tried to blow him off this morning he came to me like a sick kid begging me to get you to come.”

I giggle at the thought of Chris begging Nick for anything. “But Chris isn’t a boyfriend guy, you know that.” I lean back on the bed.

“He’s always like you though. When I first introduced you to him he was obsessed. I’m not kidding. He wouldn’t shut up about you for weeks. Always asked me when you’d be coming over.”

“But that was four years ago.”

“And? He’s doing it again.”

“But he stopped for so long in between?”

Nick sighs “You always focus on the wrong parts, y/n!” He shakes his head and groans. “Do you want pajamas or a shirt or something to sleep in?”

I nod. He goes to his closet and gives me a shirt and sweatpants. I go to his bathroom and change. I come back out and get into his bed under the covers. Nick shuts off the lights and gets into bed as well.

“Night y/n”

“Goodnight Nick.”

Tag list : @freshloveforthefit @sturniolo14 @sturniolosreads @bethsturn @rac00ns-are-c00l4 @dwalk41202

[ravenclawwitchc]

Photo

translation from weibo@烟光薄

Shinichi knew Ran had a habit of taking photos. Not just any photos, though—she loved snapping pictures of the two of them together. Most of the time, they weren’t even full-on portraits. Maybe their sneakers, side by side, or her fingers curling around his arm. Occasionally, she'd record a quick video. The sound would come out all scratchy on the tiny screen, and yet it felt cozy—like something you'd watch all afternoon with a hot cocoa in hand. Ran always took a bunch in one go, worried the first few wouldn’t turn out right, pressing the shutter two or three times for the same angle. And she never deleted any of them. If memory cards could explode, hers would’ve gone up in flames ages ago.

He’d long accepted his role in this hobby of hers. Back when they were kids, it meant slipping her a spare battery at just the right time—casually, like it had been sitting in his pocket all along. She was still using that clunky CCD camera Agasa-hakase had given her for her birthday, and she’d be thrilled, her shy smile lighting up the room. The same night, Agasa got treated to an adorable dinner: an omurice with Chibi Maruko-chan’s face drawn in ketchup. Shinichi cracked the eggs; Ran did everything else. And, of course, Shinichi had to steady the little stool for her, making sure she didn’t topple over while cooking.

When she got older, she upgraded to a Polaroid. The film was expensive, but that didn’t stop her from taking photos with Sonoko. She’d scrimp and save, skipping butter cookies (which she’d been feeding him just a day ago, by the way) and canceling weekend outings. The reason? “Out of funds,” she’d shrug In the end. It was always up to him to dip into his own allowance, treating this little princess to a downstairs café trip just to snag a chance to see her. By the second canceled date, Shinichi had had enough. That’s the beauty of online shopping: the next day, a giant package landed at the Mouri Detective Agency. Inside? Stacks and stacks of film—white-bordered, blue-bordered, floral-patterned...

Timing it just right, Shinichi appeared outside the café downstairs, striking what he thought was a dashing pose. He waited for her to come out, expecting a compliment at the very least. Instead, she stared at the box of film like it was some bizarre art installation. "Shinichi," she said finally, “Why’d you buy so much film? You didn’t even buy the camera to go with it. This is so wasteful!”

His heart sank. So much for playing the knight in shining armor. It’s for you, he wanted to say. So you can take as many pictures as you want without scrimping on cookies or canceling plans. But saying that would only make her insist on paying him back—or worse, buying him something equally expensive in return. And that would ruin the whole point. He just wanted her to be happy, not stuck in some endless cycle of "you bought me this, so I’ll buy you that."

He didn’t need fancy gifts from her. A fridge magnet from a trip, a postcard from a workshop, a detective game from Shibuya, even an old edition of Sherlock Holmes she happened to spot—anything she genuinely wanted him to have, anything that made her think, This is perfect for Shinichi, was more than enough. Sure, he knew she didn’t see it that way. For her, it was about fairness, about not owing anyone. But that habit of hers, always evening the scales, felt too… formal. When would she finally just take what he offered, no strings attached?

So there he stood, outside Poirot, trying to salvage the moment.

"Hey... We've known each other for so long, the three of us, and yet you only take pictures with Sonoko? That’s just not fair, Ran! Listen up, these Polaroid films aren’t a gift, okay? They’re for a special rule: if I ever feel like taking a picture with you, you have to say yes, right away. Even if Sonoko’s waiting for her turn, I get priority—no arguments! Of course, I know that’s a little selfish, so on regular days, you can use the films however you like… just make sure I still get first dibs, alright?"

He paused for dramatic effect, then added, "And another thing! You’re not allowed to say you’re out of film anymore, or use saving up for film as an excuse to cancel on me. Got it? Ran—Hey, stop laughing! Are you even listening to me?"

[sumoannoy]

【𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘈𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘗𝘳𝘰 𝘏𝘦𝘳𝘰 𝘉𝘢𝘬𝘶𝘨𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘉𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥】

It’s a love at first sight thing

You went to a party to catch up with your old friend Kirishima, and there was the number 15 pro hero Dynamight, staring at you like cupids bow had just shot him

You talk and laugh the whole night, his palms sweating an actually dangerous amount when he asks for your number, while you try to hide how giddy you are when putting it into his phone

From there you go on an awkward first date that’s cute in it’s own way

He opens doors for you, pulls out your chair, pays for everything, and even buys you a rose at the end of the night

A few dates later, and he’s ramping up the courage to ask you to be his girlfriend. The one thing that makes him do it though is Denki trying to make a move on you (only reason he lives to tell the tale is because he did it to make him hurry tf up)

At the start of the relationship it’s all simple, unknowing touches here and there

Him shyly asking if he can hold your hand with a gruff and quiet voice, looking at you for consent before going in to kiss or hug you

He goes above and beyond to just see you, because he can’t get his head wrapped around the fact that YOU are his girlfriend - someone who made his head spin by just walking into a party

The first time he stays over he’s so unbelievably shy nobody would believe it, afraid to lean in too close and scare you off, or do something in your apartment that makes you uncomfortable or angry

He treats you like you’re above everything else on this planet, like you are worth more than anything on earth could put a price on

And then once he gets to know you a lot better, he starts buying you little things

It starts with your favorite crisps and chocolates, with little notes saying ‘you were about to run out idiot’. Then it’s things you point out when you’re together, like a ring in the window of a shop or a dress you saw someone wearing on Instagram

He’ll also do small errands for you, like getting your shopping, putting on a load of washing, doing the dishes just because he doesn’t want you to go without because you’re busy

And the way he tells you to start calling him Katsuki is the sweetest thing ever in the most Bakugou way possible

You’re both at his apartment, cuddled up on the couch and watching some TV show on Netflix. He’s slowly rubbing his hand up and down your arm absentmindedly, engrossed in the show, happily sitting in your company

You go to move to get a drink, and he softly pulls you down before you have a chance to get to your feet

You say “Bakugou,” to ask him to let you up, but he stops you before you can continue.

“Katsuki.”

“What? Baku—“

“It’s Katsuki.”

“…huh?”

“You’re my girlfriend, you call me Katsuki”

You sat back down and forgot why you ever needed to get up in the first place, replaying the syllables of his name in your head over and over again

When he finds out you’ve been buying his merchandise online he freaks out, and immediately brings over hundreds of unreleased plushies, hoodies, T-Shirts and even blankets

This man was so upset, in his mind it was your first big fight

Your irst big fight though was about the paparazzi

You’re out on a lunch date with him on one of his rare days off, and someone must’ve leaked where you both were

There was hundreds of them because Bakugou was quickly rising through the ranks, him now being number 5 across Japan

When you finally escaped the hoard of flashes he’s livid, and when you try to calm him down he snaps at you before dropping you off home and leaving without saying goodbye

It takes 2 hours for this man to calm down and have that gnawing feeling in his stomach before he comes to your door with a bouquet of flowers

That’s the night he tells you he loves you, and never wants to be so angry he does something to hurt you again

After about a year you move in together, and he loves the domestic life you have so much it makes his heart literally burst

He had no idea how much he wanted such a quiet and sweet life until he met you

He loved making you dinner, waking you up with soft kisses, opening his lunch at work and seeing the little notes you’d leave for him, watching movies together, all of it

What he adores the most though is that late night talks

When you’re both settling down and getting ready for bed. When you both just talk about your days, and say any thought that comes to mind while delicately tracing each others skin

It’s that closeness, that trust and intimacy that makes Bakugou fall so hard he knows he can never recover

And even after being together for a year and a half he doesn’t understand how you have such a hold over his heart

He loves everything about you; your smile, your eyes, your lips, the way your hair sits even on bad hair days, the way your hands feel when he holds them - there is not a single thing about you he could ever come to hate

And that’s why on your 2 year anniversary he bought a ring.

A diamond one that you talked about at that party as a joke - one you said you’d never be able to have. It sits in the back of his dresser, wrapped up in a black velvet box and a few socks so you won’t find it

He won’t propose yet, he thinks it’s a bit too soon for you and he wants to be able to pay for every wish you have for the wedding

But he does know that he is a lucky son of a bitch, and wants to make sure he holds on to that luck for the rest of his life, if you’ll let him (spoiler alert you will)

𝕋𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕜 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖!

ᔕᑌᗰOᗩᑎᑎOY (っ◔◡◔)っ

[cherienymphe]

https://www.tumblr.com/cherienymphe/785079241110880256/im-actually-starting-to-genuinely-believe-my-mom

Why do you feel that way?

A whole list of things that are adding up!

I genuinely don't even know where to start off but for one thing I've always gotten the impression she tries to live through me. When she compliments me it's all nice and dandy but if I do something to my appearance that she doesn't like, it gets so ugly so fast for no reason 😭 she actually gets psycho mad anytime I pluck or shave my brows (because I prefer them thin. I think it elevates my face so much) and she'll talk about ruining my face and how the hair won't grow back and "if I could go back in time and never wax my brows as thin as I did then I would" and I'm like okay understandable but this is my face? Not yours? It's such a non problem "problem" and she has the same attitude about my hair always saying if she had my hair she'd wear it out more and okay that's a somewhat normal sentiment I guess but she gets weirdly obsessed about my hair. Always asking if I've cut it and anytime I say it wouldn't matter if I did, she gets mad and starts ranting about me needing to appreciate what I have. Y'all I've big chopped 3 times in the past and had to hide it from her because she's that attached and I don't have time to deal with a grown woman getting mad about what another grown woman (me) does with her own hair.

I'm literally in the process of locking my hair and I know it's going to be a huge thing when I can't avoid the topic anymore 😭 and I try to be gracious because I know she's sensitive because she's been dealing with hair loss for years but one time I straight up had to tell her in an argument "this is my hair, not yours" because at the end of the day what I do to my face and hair is no concern of hers like wtf

And she's told me before that she's jealous of me but I always took it in a casual playful way because she's my mom you know? Sometimes she'll just be looking at me and will go "you have the whitest eyes I'm so jealous" or will ask me if I'm wearing lashes sometimes and when I say no will go "ugh I hate you" and that sentiment gets expressed all the time whenever I buy something. I wish I was joking when I say almost anytime I buy something I saw online she'll say "why did you buy me one?" Or "you only think about yourself" or "I'm so jealous I want one" and y'all it'll be something like a fucking bookshelf (I did indeed send her the link and she got the exact one) or a bracelet I saw on Poshmark or a bedding I found at Ross like never mind the fact that I'm not about to furnish your room and closet for you but why are you acting like you're incapable of finding and shopping around for stuff you like? I remember verbatim saying one day "you want everything I get" just kind of offhandedly in response bc y'all know I have no filter and she didn't really have a proper response to that. She does it on a very annoying level because I'm thinking to myself damn can I enjoy anything I buy for myself without you telling me you want it too

She'll even randomly come in my room and poke around my shelves or look around and be like "your room is so nice and put together damn I'm jealous" and I know by this point y'all are probably thinking dang girl how many times does she have to say it before it clicks for you but I really never thought anything of it because she's my mom

But lately she'll get genuinely bothered when we're out and other women compliment me. I remember one day we were at the mall and like 6-7 different girls complimented this dress I was wearing (just some basic summer dress from Aeropostale) and after the 7th one she went "if one more person talks about your dress I'm going to scream" and today we went to the meat market together and the girl behind the register went "you look so pretty" and I was like omg thanks you too and my mom made a face and rolled her eyes and that was the moment it really started to sink in for me

She gets bothered if I want to put on a little makeup before we leave the house even if I literally do it in a timely manner so I'm not holding her up. She'll be like "you gotta do all that just to go to the mall" or some variation of that and I've just noticed an uptick in it once I started to feel a lot more comfortable in my skin and she gets bothered by my friendships too! She's made remarks in the past about me and my friends buying stuff for each other or when I'm out and tell her I'm with blank and will say stuff like sorry I can't compare to blank or "I know you like blank more than me it's okay"

And it's just all of this stuff is adding up and I lowkey feel like she wants to be in my skin

And maybe it's just me being the only daughter of a single mom but I like to think she's not aware of how this is all coming off or isn't aware she's showing her hand so openly because I know she has her own trauma when it comes to women and has a huge unhealed mother wound and I think she sometimes gets lost in that space between being proud of what she created while simultaneously envying what she's created idk. I just feel like I'm going crazy and making something out of nothing but on the other hand I'm like no you're weird 😭

[tookishcombeferre]

Hi Sofia Fandom!

I have a couple of questions for y'all merch sleuths/ people who make cool stuff out there in the fandom/ people who know where to *find* people who make cool stuff because Squish wakes up at 1 AM asking for cheese and, as such, I am a tired old boy.

Plus, some of y'all are amazing at finding stuff in ways I am NOT. I know my gifts. Finding merch/ shops are not one of them. (I once spent two or more hours trying to find a single thrifted book. It did not go well.)

Squish is starting school this Fall. We'd like to have incentive stickers that are "special" for school related things. (Making it through the day w/o an accident, picking out an outfit and sticking to it, getting dropped off and not trying to run back to the car, etc.) Heck, I might even need a set of incentive stickers for myself. (The first time I drop Squish off without crying all the way home, the first time I get through a whole school day without pacing the floor of my living room ... you know first time parent things? Let's just say the closer Squish *gets* to school, the more I understand why Roland sent Baileywick on that Buttercup trip. XD And, like, I know he's *wrong* but I also *GET* it.) **** So, all my commentary aside, are there any good places/ shops to find Sofia stickers online of the whole cast? **** Squish's favorites are: Sofia, James, Amber, Cedric, and Greylock - in that order. They think Greylock looks like their dad. Which, if Greylock had a beard, he does.

2. Squish is in their dressing up dolls phase. They have a couple of baby dolls. **** Do you know any shops/ people I can commission, who know these characters pretty well, who could make clothes of the characters for her dolls? **** (My cousin quilts, but I don't think she really makes doll clothes. And, I had my first costuming credit recently. But, I'm still high key apprenticing and, as such, basically just made a hat or two. I can kinda sorta tailor my own clothes, but actually making clothing is *WAY* more than I feel comfortable doing right now.)

3. This is more just a general thing. But, Spouse Unit and I are big on upcycling/ reusing as much as humanly possible. This does seem to be a pretty long term interest for Squish, especially given that the new show is coming out in the next year, and that's likely going to target their age group pretty hard. **** Does anyone know good online stores to thrift pieces in what will soon be an ONSLAUGHT of new merch? **** Thank you so much for your help in advance.

I *am* excited to get Squish some new stuff of the new characters, especially. However, I'd also like to *not* contribute to the giant landfill, if I can help it, unless its to create something I know doesn't already exist. Like, the doll clothes. I've looked, and I've never found anything like that.

I feel like, other than what to do about the state of the entire world being on fire, casually, the hardest thing about being a parental unit right now is figuring out the balance between what to get new, what to hand down from your own childhood, and what you need to thrift because they've gotten into a show that was between eras.

My brother kinda watched StF, but he didn't have merch. He was too old, and he wouldn't have asked for anything.

All of my siblings and I ... err ... grew up in a very "princesses' /princes' things household." In fact, my dad almost had a conniption *watching* that episode with my kid. He definitnely knows I'm gender non-conforming, at the very least, and he still feels this way?

It's a very long story.

We're ... working on it.

But, all of that to say, I don't have any hand me down Sofia stuff for them myself because my brother was the one in the age range.

So, I thank y'all merch sleuths for your service.

💜💚 A parent on a mission 💜💚

[paigenoelchas-blog]

****

Meet-Cute

Jake had never been good at giving gifts. The loss of his mother at an early age deprived him of learning many skills required for such a task. Every time the need came up, he thought about what to buy and ordered it online only to rethink the gift before it even arrived. Often he bought two or three items and rejected them all, instead purchasing a gift card. He knew it was impersonal, but at least they could get what they wanted.

His lack of confidence in this area was the only time he felt ill-equipped to conquer anything that was directed at him. Jake had succeeded in foster care despite many years of torment. He learned at an early age that he had a knack for computers. Despite the fact that he had been socially awkward, he managed to find friends and a place among the misfits as well as the popular kids. Jake had earned scholarships to several of the most prestigious schools in America and even a couple overseas.

It was Jake's last year in college when he had a dream job lined up upon graduation and a small group of close friends when a strange text popped up on his phone, one that changed everything. He had a sister, two in fact. Apparently, the women had tracked him down in an effort to develop a relationship. They were older, though not by much. Hannah, the oldest had been the one to contact him first. She was sweet and lovely. He liked her instantly. They talked like they had known each other for their entire lives. Lily was the oldest and at first, she was quiet and distrustful having no idea who Jake was or what effect he could have on her or her sister. Jake understood. They had both put in work at developing a friendship and an eventual love for each other.

This Christmas was the right time to meet them. It had been two years of almost daily texts and a handful of video chats. The siblings needed to see each other in person and the women agreed when he brought up the subject. He would travel to Duskwood, a small town in Massachusetts to meet them in two weeks.

Jake wanted to see them, look into their eyes, and find similarities in their being. He couldn't wait to give them a hug, to remember what it felt like to be part of a family. It was something that he hadn't felt since his mother passed when he was ten. Something that he didn't think he needed or wanted or missed until they came along.

His sisters, Hannah and Lily, had just sent the text confirming the date of the trip. He had booked a flight a few days early in order to get a feel for the town and relieve some of the awkwardness that would inevitably be a part of their first meeting. While he was confident in their meeting and in his ability to adapt and be likable, he also knew that he needed some time to prepare for the emotions that would undoubtedly surface.

He also needed to bring gifts and these could not be gift cards. The idea that he had to come up with something wonderful for them was imposing and unfortunate. So, when he walked into the shop on the corner, his head hung a little lower than usual and his feet drug along the ground as if his body was trying to retreat.

He slugged around the store touching a few things here and there, but not really noticing much. He regarded a lovely set of gloves and picked them up just to set them down again quickly. He noticed a candle that was particularly fragrant and sighed without even leaning in to take in the candle's scent completely. He rubbed a bit of fabric on a lavender dress as he walked past. His eyes barely took in the sight of it.

It took a moment before Jake lifted his eyes to see all of the things around him. When he did, he noticed that the store was light and filled with warmth. Soft sage paint swathed the room in color and vibrancy, but somehow still had a calming effect. The shop's location on the corner allowed a great deal of light to flow in from the outside and though it was winter and quite dreary somehow everything in this place made him feel comfortable and somehow surrounded by warmth.

The clothing was placed as if in a showroom rather than a small shop, hanging from various racks with ample space between them. Gold-edged floor-length mirrors flanked the walls and eclectic gold and white tables and shelves held a myriad of accessories, from the basic black to the most vibrant of hues. Jake had no idea where to start and was about to walk out when he felt a tap on his shoulder.

"Sir? Can I help you find something?" Spinning around, Jake landed his gaze on the most beautiful green eyes that he had ever seen. Something happened to him that had never happened before--he couldn't think of a thing to say. Could he admit that she may be the something that he was hoping to find? No, he could not. Instead, he tried to find a way to keep her talking a little longer and get those gifts he was after. Though, at the moment, he couldn't decipher which task was the most important.

Finally realizing that he had been standing in silence simply staring at her and those gorgeous eyes, he cleared his throat, "I may actually need some help. I have to find the perfect gifts, but I have no idea what I am doing or where to begin. I have many skills, but shopping is not one of them." He lowered his head without failing to notice how her long honey-colored hair spun in curls around her shoulders and the way that her smile peeked out of her vermilion lips.

"Perfect gifts," she spoke in a conspiratorial way and took his hand, pulling him to the back of the shop, "are exactly why I am here. I was made to help handsome men, such as yourself, find the best gift for the people they care about." Confidence and sunshine oozed out of her.

Usually, her perky attitude would have frustrated him, but the wink that she gave him and the way she grabbed his hand unabashedly provoked and intrigued him.

"So you think I am handsome?" Jake asked, prodding her.

"You know that you are," she smiled. He was both proud of the compliment and embarrassed that he had asked, She continued without pause, "but we have a task to accomplish. Who are you buying a gift for?"

As she spoke, she directed him to a mismatched pair of chairs, one a rich tan leather and the other an uncompromising buttery velvet. These two chairs shouldn't belong together, but when they sat around the ornate table everything seemed to match.

He pondered meeting such a person in a place like this. She was beautiful, but she was also more than that. She was inviting and warm. Her clothes were vibrant and alive, but her aura was calm and gentle. He hadn't known so many things could define one person.

Jake had been thinking for a bit, thinking about her and this place that was so different from the world outside He had been thinking a little too long when he thought he should answer before she believed him to be a lunatic. "The gifts are for my sisters, whom I have never met. I have been talking to them for the last couple of years and..."

"Wait," she interrupted and leaned in, clearly intrigued, "you have never met your sisters?"

He was pleased that she was interested and wanted to chat a bit. He decided to push things a little further, "I am fine with the personal questions, but I need to know your name first."

"What a cheap way to find out my name. You get me all interested and then refuse to divulge more information. Tricky. I will tell you if you tell me your name first." She winked, but he knew that he would tell her anything that she asked for.

"Jacob...Jake," he stuttered.

"I am Macie, nice to meet you, Jake," Her voice was softer as she spoke. Their eyes met for a moment and then as if she had to pull away, she brought the formality back to her voice and said, "Now about those sisters?"

He explained the situation and when they decided to meet. He explained how he stumbled on this store and how she was his only hope for a stress-free meeting. She listened intently, her emerald eyes focused wholly on him. He could feel her interest, both in his story and in his person. The tension between them had become palpable. She leaned in closer as he spoke and he found himself mimicking her posture in response.

They were in a world entirely their own when she broke the repose, "You, Sir, are very interesting aren't you?" She stood up and walked across the room, touching his shoulder as she passed him. "You sit right there. I think I have the perfect things for Hannah and Lily."

He was impressed that she remembered their names. He was impressed by everything he knew of her. She flitted around the store occasionally asking what colors Hannah would like or if he had noticed anything in the background on the video chats? She even asked how he liked his coffee, though Jake didn't see the importance of that question.

He answered her questions but offered nothing in the way of help except a focused gaze that followed her as she flitted around from table to table and rack to rack filling some impressive baskets with personal selections. She had a lovely figure and a butt that he could only dream of getting his hands on. Jake knew that she was aware of his admiration and she flaunted it. She was unashamed.

He had completely lost track of time when she placed one basket and then the other on the table in front of him and returned to her velvet chair. On her way to her throne, the smell of her floral perfume met his nose. It filled his senses and his brain with thoughts that he was having a hard time reeling in.

"What do you think?" Macie asked, eager to hear his opinion.

Words stumbled out before he had the chance to think. "You are beautiful...I mean... What are you asking?... the presents?" He could feel the heat rise on his cheeks and pinched his arm hoping to squelch the red quickly forming on his cheeks.

She smiled and he forgot himself for a moment. Then just as quickly, he managed to pull his focus off of her and onto the baskets that she had prepared. They were incredible and filled with several items of clothing, as well as scarves and mittens, lotions, and candles. Each basket was a little different and met the unique interests of each woman. He would have never been able to pull off such wonderful creations.

He touched a few items and admired the thoughtful and skilled gifts that she had presented. "They are exactly perfect." He wanted to say more, to tell her that she was indeed also exactly perfect as far as he could tell and that he had to see her again and not in such a place but rather on a proper date, with flowers to match the blush of her cheeks and candles to make the light dance in her eyes. He couldn't say those things of course. He settled on "It is amazing that you made these based off of a fifteen-minute conversation."

"I told you that you were interesting. I hung on your every word." She met his eyes and gave a shy smile. "I have been doing this for a couple of years professionally and many years before that. I have always been good at shopping and fitting the right gift for the right person. My friends always had me do their Christmas shopping."

He admired her confidence. Most people didn't acknowledge the things that they could do well. Somehow that made her all the more attractive to him.

"Indeed. I may have to make you my own personal shopper. You have only worked here a couple of years?" Jake asked, trying to keep the conversations alive.

"You could say that." She offered nothing more. There was something in her voice that made him aware that there was more to her answer, but he wasn't ready to dig deeper just yet.

"I don't think I can repay you for relieving the stress I felt when I walked in here today. Meeting my sisters will be much easier now." He spoke in earnest.

"I am just glad to help," she paused. "Are you headed there now...to meet your sisters, I mean?"

"No, I arrived in town early. I wanted to have some time to buy gifts and relax a little, settle into the town that may become very important to me. I mean, if my sisters are here, I may be around more often." He wanted to tell her that she would also be a reason for this town's importance, but he wouldn't say that, not yet."

They walked up to the register, and as he paid, he inspected the store once more and thought of how inviting it was, and how much that was like Macie. He noticed the quality and individuality that each item inspired. He thought how very much it represented her welcoming and warm sensibilities. This was the perfect place for her and she was the perfect person to be here.

"How long did you say that you worked here?" He asked impulsively.

I opened the place two years ago today." She spoke with pride, She should be proud, he thought. Owning something that was an extension of yourself was an enormous accomplishment.

"This place is yours?" He asked though it was more of a realization rather than a question.

"Yes, and a loving testament to my mother, she passed three years ago and this was our dream. We were going to open this place together." Her voice faded a little as she mentioned her mother.

He nodded at the reminder of his own mother and what he had lost so long ago. "I am sorry for your loss. She must have been an incredible woman."

"She was...in every way. I think I was the lucky one to get to love her." She paused then shook off the storm in her eyes and added, "You know, I did do a lot for you today." A crooked smile crossed her face, "I thought of a way that you could repay me."

He wanted to scream out that he was willing to repay her in any way that she asked, but those words did not escape. "Oh yeah, what's that?"

"Buy me a cup of coffee in that diner over there. I don't think I have had my fill of talking to you."

"Coffee? I can do better than that. What would you think if I brought you a cup of coffee now and then picked you up for dinner when the shop closes."

She smiled openly now, the most gorgeous smile that he had seen, "I would accept that as a form of repayment."

He laughed. She grabbed his phone and typed in her number.

"Just in case you have to cancel, or if you change your mind about dinner."

"That won't happen, but I suppose I would like to call you for other reasons." He got the chance to wink at her for once.

"I suppose that would be a desirable option." She looked down as if embarrassed by his retort.

They said their goodbyes with smiles and quick glances, both excited about the plans for the evening. As he took his packages to the car, he realized that he felt lighter than he had in weeks.

He still hated shopping, but he sure liked this store and the woman inside. Who knew that something he hated so much could lead him to something he so desired maybe something that he even needed?

Smiling, he picked up the phone, found Macie's number, and texted.

J: What kind of coffee do you drink?

He had not forgotten about his promise and he sure wasn't going to break one to her.

M: Surprise me. I bet you will guess it right.

A slight chuckle escaped from his lips as he headed across the street to the diner. While she was incredibly intuitive and he wasn't sure he would ever be able to surprise her, something told him that he was going to keep trying for a very long time.

****

This story was inspired by some fellow writers who are having a bit of a hard time getting back into the writing business. Thank you to those who push me to keep going and thanks to all who read it. I appreciate all the minutes that you have spent reading something that I wrote.

[givemea-dam-break]

babes is back

hello my lovies!!!!!!

i am back!!!! much to your pleasure and simultaneous screaming because yes, if i am back, the fics will be back. and they will be painful.

i thought i’d give you guys a little explanation as to why i kind of randomly stopped coming on tumblr despite my reappearances in december, which were because the lovely @neewtmas had her 12 days of christmas (FIND THAT HERE) and we’re online friends in real life (if that makes any sense at all) and i wanted to support her!!!! my wife!!!!

under the cut below is my little rundown, under a cut simply because i don’t want to take up a million scrolls of your dash if you don’t want to read my reasonings or you are just happy i am back (i luv u)

i have felt terrible since becoming inactive on tumblr since i made so many friends and had so so so many people supporting not only my fanfictions but the edits i also started making, so this is also kind of like my apology to you guys because i went so unexpectedly and without any explanation. so if you want to keep reading, then keep reading!

BOO

scary cut. i know. it’s ok. i am here to protect u.

anyways, like i said, my inactivity on tumblr was a completely out of the blue thing that even i didn’t expect. one day, i just found myself unable to go on the app out of pure dread which i had never felt because it was one of my faves.

and not dread because of anything that had happened here per se, just because my life had been becoming a bit of a mess.

that goes way back, but the crux of it was when me and my boyfriend of 4 years (who i had been staying with after my mum moved away) broke up

i won’t get into details about the breakup itself for both my privacy and his (very unique instances caused it), but basically it got worse and worse, and by october time it was getting to a point where i wasn’t feeling right at all. he was messaging me all the time, begging to get back together, the usual, but he was always wanting to come see me at my dads and for SOME REASON felt as though he had some entitlement to meet my new cats aka my little babies. he was saying creepy things to me (that he didn’t mean as creepy) and by november i blocked him.

i wasn’t feeling safe physically, worried i’d see him on my walks home from the shop in a different town that he comes to often to hang out in with his best friend, but also mentally. i wasn’t in a good mental space at all. i was scared. i was confused. he had pushed all of the blame of the breakup onto me. i was working 35 hours a week while being a student (still am) and my brain had no time for anything but work, studying, and worrying.

tumblr isn’t my job, but the pure guilt i felt when i deleted the app hit me like a tonne of bricks. i felt terrible. one of the only things that gave me solace was something i couldn’t bring myself to go on to. i couldn’t bring myself to write the requests i had piling in, ones i still have huge guilt for never getting around to writing. i couldn’t bring myself to keep answering messages or reblogging things because i didn’t have it in me. i didn’t even write at all october-november because i just had nothing in me, which is so so unlike me.

one thing that did keep me going though, was my emails. “eden ew ur job alert emails? ur period tracker app trying to get u onto premium? the emails from the joint account u had with ur ex for his music career that went kasplut?” no silly. maybe the job alerts - my job has too much drama.

no. 15 year old eden logging back into tumblr and setting email notifs on for comments, tags, and inbox was perhaps the smartest thing she did, and she got all A’s in her exams.

every now and then, i’d get a little tumblr notification. one of those “put this in the inbox of one of your favourite blogs blah blah blah” i luv em. can never get myself to do them because of the 13 year old in me screaming to never do chain mail again after carmen winstead and her creepy voicenote. but i love them, and i appreciate every single person who sent me one.

i could see people commenting on my fics, and absolutely loving them. i could see what my mutuals tagged me in, even if i wasn’t able to react to them.

it gave me peace of mind to keep going with my life while still being able to cling onto the happiness this site brings me while not actually accessing it.

i will always be sorry that i left so suddenly, but it was a spur of the moment thing and something i couldn't even explain myself.

i'm back now, but i likely won't be as active as i used to be. i'm prioritising work and my studies as much as i can while still finding time to write. this being said, i can't promise that all requests sent to my inbox/messages will be answered. part of my leaving was being so overwhelmed by them all (and i thank you all for choosing me to requests fics from, it means a lot!) so if your request doesn't get answered, i truly am sorry and it isn't anything personal! maybe I'll get around to it in the future, but for now i want to bring the joy back to writing for me so i will not be overloading myself like i used to!

i hope you can all understand, and know i love you all so, so dearly! i wouldn't have the friends i do or be where i am in life without all of you!

love u all lots lovies <3

-ur favourite person ever ever ever, eden MWAH

[misc-obeyme]

I'm going on a tangent because i thought of silly things, I think I might try writing the next part tonight after work. This probably takes place way before what's currently going on in my rambles.

I'm imagining I impulsively bought something online and had to cut down on coffee (what did I buy? Who knows. Probably concert tickets for fob. I was scraping by when I bought those tickets last year 💀). I think it'd take Mammon two weeks before he finally caves and texts to ask if I'm okay. I sheepishly explain my purchase and why I haven't been around, and get left on read.

Later in the day, Mammon shows up to the shop with a coffee and a box of various pastries. He's blushing hard as he shoves the box towards me but gently sets the coffee down. I'm completely puzzled, and it's the first time Mammon has ever set foot in my shop. He goes on to ramble that he wasn't worried or anything, just had some leftovers and decided they should be able to tide me over and make up for lost orders.

The longest I've ever gone without stopping in is a week when I went on vacation maybe in the summer to visit family? But I had let him know ahead of time. And the other time was four days, and I texted him "i promkse ill wakenip ealry timorrow" and it was sent at 3 am, typed exactly like that. He texted back "ya better be asleep by now. Dumbass. Not like i miss ya or anything either." He replied back after 5:30 ish when getting up for the day. I did keep my promise and showed up, even if I definitely looked out of it.

That was supposed to be a silly scenario but now I'm thinking of the actual concert date taking place after they start realizing their feelings for each other (the cutting back scene was during the presale). And them getting worried about me going alone. But ticket prices are insane the closer to the date since I originally bought mine during the presale, and the seat I snagged managed to be on the floor. So even if they wanted to join, they'd have to shell out a lot of money, and wouldn't be sat next to me.

Unless ....... Mammon had an older brother, who was working for someone else.... who was the ceo of a company, and said company was sponsoring the tour.....and could get them front row seats together...... Only in fiction can things work out like this !! 🤣 Imagine your first concert also being a date. Crazy.

also thinking about nicknames. The most common one is 'treasure' from Mammon, and I usually use that for my character. Maybe 'lucky charm' for solomon? as long as it is, it's cute. I gotta brainstorm

- ✨ anon

OHHHHH but I love Mams being all cute and blushy and bringing you pastries! Absolutely adorable! And that text... not like I miss ya or anything!! Yeah yeah, you keep tellin yourself that buddy!! LOL.

Concert date concert date!!! I am all about it lol!

Isn't it amazing how convenient things can be in fiction?? Listen, it's not like it'd never happen irl! People always complain about how things seem to "work out" just right in fiction, but yo. That happens in real life too, friends. Just nobody's complaining about it because there is no Almighty Author pulling the strings!

Anyway, slight tangent there but the point is I say it's perfect!!

I think "lucky charm" is cute! Maybe it sometimes gets shortened to just "lucky" I think that's cute, too! Ahh nicknames make me soft lol!

[truly-morgan]

[Transmasc Mob and supportive Reigen]

Reigen + Mob | Mob Psycho 100 18-10-2022

I've been having brain worms for the past few hours now:

Young trans dude Mob whose first person he ever told was his shisho. And how much Reigen is there for him.

Of course, Reigen reacts positively and is supportive, but he doesn't know what else to say, especially with how Mob seems to be waiting for a little more. That night he does a lot of research and the next day when Mob comes to the office he can have a better talk with him.

Reigen who's the one helping Mob cut his hair even shorter than they already were, to a length that the boy prefers. "If your parents ask, just say something got stuck in it and needed to be cut" he suggested.

Reigen who's ready to take Mob shopping for masculine outfits that make him feel more comfortable any time he needs new clothes. He can even slip one of two fashion tips here and there.

Reigen who's the one to get Mob's first binder, gifting it to him and seeing just how much more confident it seems to make him (and he's ready to buy another one when Mob outgrow this one eventually).

Reigen who's by Mob's side when he decides to come out to Ritsu. He does it at the office, feeling safe in the familiar environment and with Reigen near them. He's not sitting with them, leaving room for the brothers, but he being within eyesight reassures Mob.

Of course, everything goes perfectly fine (just like Reigen assured him it would be) and Ritsu is also ready to support him, especially at home.

Reigen who's the one to encourage Mob to switch to the school pant uniform, seeing that it would likely make him more comfortable. Plus, Salt Middle School doesn't have a rule that certain people need to wear certain clothes.

Mob is already discreet enough so not many people notice it. Many (and slowly most) starts referring to him by his preferred pronouns, for most because he's seen a small guy who just didn't hit puberty. Maybe some don't even remember what he looked like before.

Reigen who's ready to throw hands if anyone dares disrespect Mob and purposefully misgender him. Mob may be a bit afraid to tell people off, in case something might happen, but Reigen doesn't mind taking care of these people.

Reigen who's really glad to hear that the body improvement club members all seem also very supportive once they realised Mob was trans, helping find a solution for when he exercises. "Goda-senpai said it could be dangerous doing it in my binder" Mob had told him, "So they instead tried to find a solution for me to be able to train with them without it but still be comfortable".

The older man was more than happy to hear they did so, he did read online it was bad doing exercise in it.

Reigen who's ready to be there if needed when, once a bit older and feels safe to do so, comes out to his parents. Patiently waiting in a park near Mob's house, phone in hand in case Mob calls him. (he never met the kid's parents before & now is not the time. plus Ritsu is there) He smiles when he receives a message, telling him everything went smoothly and his parents are also supportive.

Reigen who's ready to go with Mob when he seeks hrt and/or surgeries.

I just think Reigen would be there for Mob throughout everything, seeing him grow more and more confident in many ways. He'd be that person who knew barely anything about trans stuff in general to try to know as much as he can to help Mob.

Original

[beerose-blog]

So, hello. I'm Bee. If you're one of my friends, you may recognize the title "Bee's Gradual Guide To Success". If you don't, it was actually the title of one of my personal "article series"/blogs that I made last November. I started it off with a lot of excitement, but I eventually got discouraged about myself and moved on, feeling so mortified about it that I wished I had never written it, even though my friends said it was really good. Here it is:

I think the funniest thing about this blog series is that it was all about being "real". You know, we live in a world where everything is completely over-saturated with success, and it's hard to find someone who will speak the truth about their experiences and failures. In the blog, I said and I quote:

"That’s actually the purpose of this blog/guide. First of all, I want to let the world know it’s OKAY to not know what you’re doing. Everyone, even the most successful people started from the very beginning. We live in a world that’s filled to the brim with the success stories of others- it can be overwhelming and make our own goals seem vast, intimidating, and unachievable."

Through my blog, I wanted to let everyone know that it was okay to have setbacks, that it was okay to fail at things; that all these obstacles would help us eventually succeed at whatever we wanted to do. And many people liked it. And then, do you know what happened?

I stopped writing it because I felt like a failure.

Now, let me tell you a little something about myself: I am the QUEEN of trying, failing, and giving up. I have had countless, countless career aspirations and dreams. I've wanted to be a business woman, running my own coffeeshop/bookstore called the CoZe Café. I've also wanted to be an artist who would sell commissions. For a very long time I also wanted to be an animator. I've had aspirations to run my own online shop with knitted and crocheted goods, I've wanted to be a seamstress, an accountant, the list goes on and on and on. It doesn't help, either, that I've got a cocktail of mental health diagnoses including bipolar 2 hypomania, which effectively makes me feel like a god that can achieve absolutely anything. But two times, so far, I've settled on novelist/editor.

Novelist/editor. What would it truly be like to live that dream? To work in some big publishing house, editing what could be the next famous author's story - making their dreams a reality, validating them. It sounds great! Right?

Well, I'm not quite at this point yet. In fact, about an hour ago, I was completely at my wit's end, even considering dropping my classes. You see, I'm an English major, working to get my Associate's degree at a Community College. The plan, currently, is to eventually get a PhD in English from Harvard. However that plan definitely seems far away considering this is my first semester and I'm already many, many assignments behind. It's week two, by the way.

Thus, once again, things become stagnant. I ask myself, "What do I do? How am I ever going to succeed? Am I just a failure like they all said I was?". And am I? It certainly seems so so far. But yet, someone told me I'm not.

This particular person told me exactly this:

"so i say, its not too late for you."

The "so i say" is in reference to the other part of the story he told me. He had spent his life working on various projects, writing and others, only to lose them all with the loss of his computer. So, he gave up. He worked, worked, and worked. He even said he was "Just a tired adult without hobbies". Until finally, he found a certain community, the same one where I met him. And through that community, he found friends and his love for writing once again. And he didn't give up. In fact, I'd even boldly claim to say he never gave up, as writing eventually DID come back to him.

So what about me? What should I do? Writing itself has been a theme all throughout my childhood, starting way back with my first attempted novel titled "Billy & Mandy" that I scrawled in a black composition notebook at age 8. It's always been present, coming back to me in bursts and staying longer each time. So what do I do now? Do I simply just "give up" on that dream?

And now, as you read, you may be wondering things. "What is the purpose of this? Isn't her blog called 'Bee's Gradual Guide To Success?' Where does success come in? What's happening? All she's talked about is her failures."

Or perhaps, you are just scrolling along, and clicked this by mistake. Or maybe your phone is in your pocket, and you've mistakenly buttdialed my tumblr account. Who knows! The world is full of endless possibilities!

However, if you are wondering what my purpose is by writing this, it's very simple:

There isn't any.

The only real purpose I have is personal; I am just trying to document my life, just in a public format.. Maybe, by sharing my story of success and failure, it will help you. Maybe you will continue to scroll. Either way, I will be here, posting. It makes me happy to do this, to document my story in vivid, painted detail. The idea excites me. And maybe someone out there will connect with my struggles, and find the courage to keep moving forward in the darkness, knowing there's someone out there just like them.

So I guess in that case I lied in a way, there is sort of a purpose. I mean, what did you expect? It is called "Bee's Gradual Guide To Success". And the main fact is, I have no idea what I'm doing.

So I wish you luck in your own journey, if you do end up seeing this - and maybe you'll find some of yourself in mine.

[thisdreamplace]

Hi dream. it’s 😵‍💫 anon. always a joy to look at your page. honestly, life has been sucking as usual. opportunities have arose, but nothing came of it. I actually felt worse after the opportunities. sometimes it feels like there is no hope. the hardest thing is seeing someone I care for be sad like I am. now I’m trying to manifest for her as well. it’s like you can’t escape what makes you feel terrible. ugh. even though I’m down, I don’t want this person to feel the same as me but I can’t do anything for either of us. I just remember a time of crying and then being okay because of possibility but sadly, possibility isn’t enough anymore. seeing this person hurt kind of drilled it in me that I’m here….and I don’t know a way out seriously. I’m sorry for the negativity. I’m always trauma dumping here like a fucking dumbass. the only time I feel open is when I let it all out, but a part of me feels sucky for doing so here. I hope it’s not too much, dream.

I’m just babbling but I went black friday shopping. I kind of found out that I have been buying shit for a second of relief. I get happy that I have something to look forward to. is it retail therapy?? I bought some skincare products so hopefully they work out. for some reason, every time I do skincare, everything just sits there on top of my skin or it burns. like damn 💀

this entire message seems like I roller coaster like you started off sad and then straight into skincare lol? I guess I feel lighter after releasing my words. right now I’m about to go stuff my entire face with leftover Thanksgiving food. happy Thanksgiving btw if you celebrate it. if you do celebrate it, did you do anything? any black friday shopping? it’s really hard not to fall victim to sales 🥲🤣

hiiiii my lovely 😵‍💫 anon <3

its never too much, so don't worry. it saddens me to read how you've been feeling though, especially in regards to your friend. its lovely you want to help them, but truly, you deserved to be help first in your life. you've gotta make sure you're good, then you're best able to help others too.

dont feel too bad about shopping like that. literally, a lot of us has been there. i literally had a shopping addiction a couple of years ago, without realizing it. luckily, i was able to get out of it. hahah so really, its just one of them things sometimes. lol theres nothing wrong w a lil retail therapy though, i mean why not treat yourself ? i hope the skincare works out <3 any product recs ??

and thank you <3 i hope you had a great thanksgiving !! i just spent the time with friends and family, and actually had one of the best thanksgivings i've had in a while hehe and i made a new friend ! i did go black friday shopping, but i mainly shopped deals online which have ~finally~ started arriving recently and i love them sm. youre so right tho, but i was like hey i could def use some things and the deals truly were irresistable in that moment LOL

anyway, i hope youre feeling better now and im glad youre able to come here and vent, and leave yourself feeling lighter in that moment ! <3

xoxo

[everygame]

3D Classics: Urban Champion (Nintendo 3DS) / Urban Champion (NES)

Developed/Published by: Arika, Nintendo / Nintendo R&D 1, Nintendo Released: 15/11/1985 Completed: 10/10/2023 Completion: 55 Rounds. “Downtown Champion.” Trophies / Achievements: n/a 

After playing Karateka and considering the other games that came out around the same time, I was struck by the fact that perhaps Nintendo’s most famous black-sheep black box, Urban Champion came out (if Internet-sourced release dates are to be trusted, which, as we all know, “ehh…”) about a month before Karateka did… and is also a side-scrolling one-on-one fighter???

Now, most people would quibble with my description of it as “side-scrolling” considering you actually have no control over that. The game is actually a succession of one-on-one fights with, er, the same opponent where you can move forward and back, punch and block high and low, and you’re just trying to push your opponent to the end of the screen. Do that three times and he falls down a manhole; if enemies push you back three screens, you fall down a manhole.

The reason I’m somewhat willing to call it a side-scroller is because the battles are over so quickly at times it feels pretty much as propulsive as Kung-Fu Master, never mind Karateka. The fighting is unbelievably simplistic and as a result there’s not really that much for the opponent AI to do, so you really just sort of wail away at them until you lose concentration like I did. I doubt that it’s been made significantly easier by Arika for 3DS or anything, and Nintendo have finally been shamed out of re-releasing this so it’s not even on Switch Online so I can’t compare against the original NES version, and I’m too scared to boot it up in an emulator in case I feel honor bound to play an entire round again and get stuck playing it as long as I already have.

Here’s what I’ll say for Urban Champion: It’s charming looking. The 3D Classics version is cute in that diorama-ey way 3DS games sometimes are (especially if you find the view mode that lets you see it in isometric profile–neat!) If someone else owns a copy (difficult considering it’s been delisted?) you can play it in local play with another player, which would probably be fun for a few minutes, or at least “something you could say you did.”

I can’t say this is Nintendo’s worst game, or even the worst black box release–the early sports games really are shite–because it’s responsive to play, but… it’s just bad, folks. Repetitive and boring and weirdly lacking in concept or spark. Perhaps it’s just multiple discovery gone badly wrong, but if in context they’d dressed this up properly as a side scroller with different enemies and some semblance of a plot, I’m pretty sure this would be fondly remembered now. But maybe they just ran out of time or didn’t care, who knows!

Will I ever play it again? I desperately wish I never do.

Final Thought: A Nintendo R&D1 joint, the internet claims, without as much veracity as I might hope, that this was designed by Makoto Kano, who would go on to write the scenario and design for Metroid of all things.

Support Every Game I’ve Finished on ko-fi! You can pick up a digital copy of exp. 2600, a zine featuring all-exclusive writing at my shop, or join as a supporter at just $1 a month and get articles like this a week early.

[reynangrosas]

"YES, I AM BEING NICE BUT I AM NOT FLIRTING"

So this is the blog entry which probably the most difficult to make. But I made it anyway for me to have a record of the experience and learnings it thought me. This is in relation to what I have mentioned in my past blog post regarding our Company Outing this 2023. I said on the ending remark that I didn't get to enjoy much because something is making me uncomfortable. Ooh, I was reminded of Kyungsoo’s ever famous line in 100 Days My Prince—

Anyways, getting back to this blog entry, let me narrate the story.

⚠️ Trigger warning: This post might cause you to overthink ✌🏼

It was March 15, Wednesday when my world was stirred up— like my inner peace has been shattered big time! I remember being so excited when I woke up because I have this new office outfit I bought recently and I plan to wear it. I even had a hard time ironing it because the fabric is cotton linen 😆 and we don't have steaming iron. I thought it would be a normal day, just like the Wednesdays of the past weeks.

When I got to work, the first thing I did is to wash my tumblr bottle in our Office Pantry. I was washing it peacefully when one of my co-workers entered. I can confidently say that I am friends and close to all of my co-workers so my natural reaction and response is of course, to greet him good morning. Yeah, a male co-worker.

He greeted me back and I just continued doing my business. Though I was facing backwards, I can sense that he's not doing anything and just standing there so I thought maybe he needs to ask something from me. When I finished, I asked him. “Yes Sir?”

He said that “Pwede ka bang makausap Ma'am?”

Of course my response would be, “Tungkol saan?” Yes, I'm used to talking to them without honorifics such as “po” or sometimes “opo” but I always try to sound respectful thru calling them “Sir” and “Ma’am”.

He was hesitant to answer and he keeps on looking around, especially at the sliding door. His behavior gave me a creepy feeling but I immediately disregarded it because I have known him for quite a long time. I just repeated my question and this time with a use of courtesy, “About po saan, Sir?”

He smiled and said, “Gusto sana kitang makausap ng heart to heart.”

I tried to relax as the first thing I had in mind was maybe he's having some problems about his life. As the HR of our clinic and as a Psychology major, there are instances where employees go to us in Psychology Department to have a chat about something that is bothering them— wether about work, their personal lives, shopping online and many more. So I thought, his concern would just be the same. I'm thinking maybe it's about of his family— he's in his 40’s, married and has 4 children if I remember it correctly.

I'm trying to stay calm and my response to him was “Ano po ba yon?”

He's hesitation to answer is really giving me creeps as I can remember.

He finally speak up and with a serious face, saying “May gusto ako sayo, Ma'am.”

You know that feeling when you do the ice bucket challenge? I felt that and it wasn't nice. I can still remember how I'm getting cold sweats but I really am trying my best to relax and stay calm as possible. I even laughed and said, “Luuuh, Si Sir oh. Hahahahaha.”

I don't wanna go through the transcript of that conversation, let's speed up things a little.

He said many things while I was just standing there listening and hoping that no one will ever heard this conversation.

He said he's serious about what he said and he's telling to me how he can't sleep at night thinking about me— I found this absurd. He said he became fond of me because I looked so approachable, bright and cheerful all the time. He claims to know that what he feels is wrong and he just wanted for me to know how he felt because he thinks it is the only way he could free his mind— this is another thing I find absolutely absurd. Also according to him, he even consulted some of his friends to seek advise about what's the best thing to do about his feelings. His so-called friends agreed that he should say it.

I might looked calm and relaxed on the outside while just standing there but my insides were very disgusted and disturbed— especially when how he's done speaking, where it seems like he's waiting for my answer.

I pulled myself together while trying to wake up the Psychologist within me— and this time, I wish to draw a boundary and so I spoke to him in a mannered way. I tried to counteract his interpretation of my personality — “Baka po natutuwa lang kayo sa pagiging jolly ko, Sir. Thank you po, I appreciate the admiration but I'm not in anyway interested.” This might not the exact words I said but it was something like this and what's important for me is to convey the idea that I AM NOT INTERESTED.

To his defense, he said, “Alam ko naman Ma'am. Gusto ko lang talagang masabi sayo para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.” The he extended his arms for a handshake, which I accepted. He said thank you and sorry.

Right then and there, I thought it ended. I returned to our room which is just across the Pantry. I sat down on my chair still trying to process what the hell just happened? I started praying for Kevin, my co-Psychometrician to arrive so I have companion. The door opened and it was that co-worker again. My thoughts goes like— is it not over yet ? Like how many times should I deal with this cryptic feeling today?

He asked if he could have a friendly hug. I was hesitant but my thoughts went like “maybe there's nothing wrong with it.” It was a short friendly hug hoping that it was the end of it.

After he left, the first thing I did is to disinfect. Yeah, I'm such a maarte girl and I told you I am disgusted. I sprayed a lot of alcohol all over my body. I was hoping that alcohol can disinfect my eyes, ears and innocent mind too, haha.

I remember wanting to go home so bad. I had to spent some more time alone before Kevin finally arrived, thanks God. I just cannot disclose it to him yet as I was still processing everything and it's hard. But his presence is so reassuring that it might prevent that co-worker from coming back.

I still don't know how the hell I survived that Wednesday. But looking back, I'd like to commend myself for being able to focus on work and still do my job after all the shitty happenings. I keep on hypnotizing myself fo just forget what happened.

It was hell for me during the night. My self hypnosis isn't working anymore as I tend to overthink. I completely forgot how I was supposed to be happy because of the new office outfit. I was also granted a monthly allowance not to long ago and I received the money. Keeping yourself busy is really one if the best way to get your mind distracted with your problem. But by the time you finished your tasks, it can't be helped but to face the reality again. Even though I want to forget what happened, it's just impossible! Common, who's not gonna overthink if this shit happens to them? I decided not to tell anyone yet about this— not even my family. I did want to tell this to Honie and Aira but it's hard to explain thru chat as we cannot see each other yet 🥺

I'm planning to sort out my thoughts first so I get back on my pace. My profession is being challenged as it was me who's having a mental breakdown. I tried to sort my thoughts even if it's really hard. I was put on the spot and iwas a very unimaginable thing to happen. I unfriended and blocked him on Facebook.

Almost everyday, he's having a video call with his kids and his wife. Oftentimes during working hours and even after duty— and it seems that they were okay and in good terms. Well, I could be wrong and they maybe having problems but that's not for me to deal and I am not interested. He's a stay-in employee by the way, so video calls are really necessary I guess. I didn't want to tell anymore specifiers which might lead to his identity.

I questioned myself, “Did I do something for him to develop such feelings? Did I show a motive, or did I gave a wrong signal, things like that.” It doesn't seem to be the case because I knew that my relationship with all my co-workers were more or less on the same level. I don't have any special treatment to any of them. I can confidently say that I am consistent with my behavior towards each of them. How I treat that co-worker is not different with how I treat Kevin or any of my co-workers, no matter what their status is.

I reflected on myself, “How do I behave around that person?” It's not like I'm being flirty with anyone else. Also, we are not working in the same department. It's not like we are together everyday. So yeah, I really find it weird. About what he said about me being approachable, bright and cheerful— well, that's just me being me. I even considered changing my behavior— to stop from being sociable and friendly. However, I knew it's not gonna work because personality is not something you can easily change overnight. In addition to that, I am a Human Resources Personnel. My job requires me to establish good connection with all the employees and so far, I have no problem doing that.

I can't help but to lose my respect for him. I'm a firm believer of respect should be imposed— it should be given to everyone without any bias— whether you know the person or not. But if you have valid grounds or reasons as to why you loose respect to certain someone, then it should be right to say as well that respect should also be earned or much in a better term, maintained. What happened is enough for me to say that I completely loose the respect I have for him.

He is married and has children. His focus should be on them. He should take responsibility for the family he started. When a married person entertained the thought of being attracted to someone and worse, acted towards that feeling, he is already cheating emotionally to his partner. No matter how you sugar coat things, cheating is cheating.

I was also disgusted how he claims to have consulted his so-called friends about his dillema. His friends probably knew that he has family and yet gaslighted him to confessing his feelings— It’s very alarming. Instead of talking to his friends, why didn't he discuss it with his wife? That could probably make a big difference and things might be sorted accordingly.

The next thing I would like to point out is about his claims that he knew what he feels is wrong— knowing that it is wrong and yet tell me? He's not thinking right. He said he wanted for me to know his feelings because he thinks it is the only way he could free his mind? No, I don't think that's what it was. He told me that so I can be burdened by the thought. By telling me, there is clearly something that he wants to happen. But sorry, I'm not sorry. I would never ever wanna sign up for that.

With what happened, I can't help but to look back on things which I didn't seem to notice then. I realized, he's always liking all my facebook posts and stories. I've never given any malicious thoughts about it because there are other consistent people close to me doing it and I myself generously hearts reacts whenever I wanted to. There are Fridays where he gets off works together with me and Kevin. He usually says, “Ma’am, sabay ako sa inyo pa-Monumento”— Back then I didn't gave any meaning with it. I find it normal. There are many more things that he did and said which when I looked back, I can't help but to find it cryptic. Yuck! 🤮

The very next day, Thursday, I have no will to get up for work. It felt like my eyes were shut for the night but my thoughts kept on running— but still I tried my best to get ready. I remembered praying that hopefully I will never have any interaction with that co-worker anymore. I arrived at the office quietly, not greeting most employees I'm meeting in the hallway. I wanted to drink wanted coffee but I'm hesitant whether to make one in the office pantry because now, I have a not-so-good memory in there. I went it anyway— coffee is life, especially I didn't get a good sleep. I could only just pray to let there be another staying in the pantry so I'm not alone. I'm delighted to see that there is Kakhie, he is our releasing staff, our youngest employee and not to mention he is also a stay-in staff. He's preparing for work and just took a bath— our comfort room is also inside the Pantry. I greeted him good morning and proceeded in washing my coffee mug and preparing my coffee. Unfortunately, I heard a familiar voice— he's there again. But since Kakhie was with us, I feel somewhat better. My peripheral vision can obviously get a gist of what's happening around me. Kakhie was speaking to him and he said, “Alak pa more” and then laughed. As much as I try to ignore, I saw that he is walking with a limping foot. There are people who are intoxicated with alcohol with this symptom. He then asked Kakhie if he saw some papers in the pantry. Kakhie said no and suggested a different place to look. I speed up making my coffee and left the Pantry but I can clearly sense that he followed me since our room is just across it. I didn't know that I'm this good at maintaining my composure nor little did I know that my patience could be this long. I wish to end things yesterday. I sat down in my chair as I asked, “Yes po?”

There is this chair across me where I usually interview patients— he sat there. He's saying sorry once again. He said that he reflected about everything last night and realized what he did is probably wrong. I was getting high hopes for I was disappointed when he said, “Pero masakit kasi talaga, alam kong mali pero ang hirap kalimutan.”

Napaka sad boi ang pota. Hindi na ko natutuwa, and I can't bear to hear anything anymore. I'm probably frowning and making face that time, I'm sure.

What made be furious is when he asked for another hug with a gesture getting close to me. I immediately waived my hand as a sign, “No Sir. Stop. I already did that yesterday, so enough na po yon.” Yeah, I am one of those people na napapa english pag galit na. He then said, “Handshake na lang, Ma'am.”

Again, I said no and shook my head as a sign of refusal. I took the time to explain and give my side once and for all. It did cross my mind last night to resign— but my thoughts will immediately go like, “You did nothing wrong, so why do you have to leave?”

I did plan to make him hear my point of views in a frank way. I began my words thru saying the harsh truth that I feel sorry for his family, especially for his children. It's a shame that they have a Father who has a weak heart and mind— Yeah, I didn't care anymore. If he's hurt then that's it— deserved

I speak up of how I was disgusted by everything he spewed, that my mental health became at risk and how it crossed my mind to resign.

“I don't exactly know what I did for you to feel that way towards me so I'm not gonna apologize or whatever. I can safely say that that my conscience is clean and I didn't do anything wrong so I can't understand why do I need to experience this kind of stress?” Sinabi ko din na “HR ako dito Sir so please know your boundaries. Magaling ako makisama pero I can also cut toxic people in my life.” It really feels good being this tactful. I can believe I was able to say all these things. I feel empowered in a sense.

After my turn to speak, he tried to reassure me that, “Wala kang kasalanan Ma'am, ako lang talaga. ”

Yun na nga eh, I did nothing wrong! I wish I could say, ”Sabi mo nag-isip ka pero parang hindi naman.”

He then added, “Kaya ko nga sinasabi na mahirap and masakit pero kailangan kong gawin.”

I rolled my eyes! Ayan na naman kasi linyahang nakakasuka na parang nagpapaawa and teary-eyed. Sad boy, kadiri.

I threw another line at him, “Alam mo Sir, magfocus ka na lang sa mga anak mo. Kung may problem kayo sa family, hindi solusyon ang paghanap ng iba, nakakadiri. Kung wala ka ng magawa, mag-pray ka na lang. Ipagpe-pray din kita na sana maliwanangan ka.” Yeah, I exploded. I think my limits has been reached.

He stood up and said sorry multiple times and attempted to do another handshake which I refused. “No is a no. No more handshake po. Mag-pray ka lang Sir. Kulang ka yata sa dasal.” Then I ignored him. I looked at my computer and he completely left. Nanginginig ako, sobra— sa inis and sa sobrang stress na din siguro.

I made sure to fix myself before Kevin arrived. I don't know if he noticed it but I've been gloomy as I remembered having a headache that day. I've been also contemplating whether to tell him what happened or not.

Kakanood ko ng Kdrama, I even overthink na baka one of these days bigla na lang sumugod asawa nya and bigla akong sabunutan— yeah, nakaabot po ang overthinking ko sa ganito, jusko. And the hardest part of it is the fact na alam ko naman na wala as in wala akong ginagawang mali.

That day Kevin got off work at 5pm. Nagpaalam naman sya sakin if he could go home early. I'm anxious about being alone in our room but I allowed him anyway. I couldn't tell him yet, ang hirap maka tyempo. When he left, I resorted into locking the door which I don't usually do. I'm getting anxious whenever I hear footsteps. I'm trying to be brave. See the trauma it gave me? I can only just sigh.

It became a routine for me to drop by at the Laboratory to say goodbye before going home but I decided to break that routine anymore. Right now, I'm keeping myself away from the Laboratory. It's kinda sad because I have so many good memories in there and it became one of my comfort places during the past years, especially when I used to assist Sir KC.

The next day, Friday, I was very happy because I met Kevin in the LRT on my way to work. I was relieved that we entered the office together. How I wish it could be like this daily.

After a week, I believe it was the next Thursday when I finally had the time and courage to tell other people about what happened. It was in the afternoon when we finished early with work. Fortunately, Sir KC went to see me about some work-related stuff. Actually, I've been wanting to tell this to Sir KC. He's the most suited person to hear this story. Not just he's our Clinic Manager but also he's the Chief Med Tech so he has jurisdiction over the Laboratory. I asked him if he could stay for a while because I have something to tell to him and Kevin as well. I locked the door, and they became anxious about what is it that I'm going to tell them.

I began narrating the story and they were as shocked as I am.

Sir KC went like, “Baka naman nagbibiro lang sya?” You see, Sir is very like me. We always practice giving the benefit of the doubt. But I said, “Sana nga Sir eh nagbibiro lang para sana hindi ako na-awkward ng ganito.”

Even Kevin finds this whole thing “weird” as he also pointed out that we don't have much interaction on a daily basis.

Sir KC is also one of the stay-in employees. After the listening to my story, Sir KC expressed how he can't believe it because every night, he's also a witness of how he's in call with his family and they don't seem to be in any conflict.

See? This is what I'm talking about. It's terrifying how a relationship appears to be completely fine and yet the other person doesn't know that the other one is slowly having thoughts of infidelity. What a really scary world we are in. Hindi pa ko nag-aasawa pero parang ayoko na dahil sa mga ganitong traumatic scenarios.

I confessed how was scared of being alone every morning and how anxious I get everytime Kevin decides to get off work at 5pm.

Sir KC told me, “Act civil na lang Ma'am, HR ka at empleyado din sya. Kapag umaga, pumunta ka na lang muna sa ibang Department para mo na kailangan mag lock ng pinto at matakot.”

It feels very reassuring to know that they are siding with my innocence— by telling me that I'm not in any way at fault for all these.

It feels really really great after letting some people knew. Something heavy has been lifted inside me. I'm amazed on myself about how I carried this burden alone for the past week.

I carried on with my employee life after everything that has happened. I completely mastered how to ignore him and I don't go the Laboratory unless, absolutely necessary.

I began drafting this post on July 15 so it's been a four months since it happened. And yes, this is the reason why I didn't enjoy much during our Company Outing and Team Building last April 29-30. I was still anxious because I'm afraid with the thought that someone will keep on checking me out. I guess I was traumatized?

As of now, I'm slowly getting my pace back. We are not interacting at all which is what I really wanted. One thing is for sure. I won't change the way I socialize with people just because of what happened. I knew myself better than anyone else. As much as possible, I always want to have a harmonious relationship with people around me. If people misunderstood or misinterpret my kind actions, it's probably them who's problematic.

[l0wszzn]

I can't eat

many many times have I thought that it was over

it really was physical at first. of course I had thoughts about losing weight, it's summer, I wanna dress cute, I hate my body - I think about losing weight. but it's just mental, I can keep it at bay and stay physically healthy.

but I'll always wish I was smaller

it started getting warmer and I finally live in a country where I can wear the shit I want to. so I try on some stuff, go clothes shopping look online. but nothing looks good. and then I go on the scale and I see an absolutely terrifying number.

53kg

bmi 19.2, that is barely even in the healthy range, yet the number repulses me. I was pretty badly relapsed in February, I think I got down to the 47s, and then I got addicted to ketamine. then I was just obsessed with that instead of being obsessed with losing weight.

it's always from one addiction to another, my whole life I've been addicted to something. not always drugs or weight loss, it can be something as harmless as a person or hobby, but it isn't my choice what addiction my brain decides to self medicate myself with.

I could get into this problem - self medicating with addiction - but I'm trying to stay on topic.

I slowly, painfully, begrudgingly, dragged myself out of my 3 month long ketaminated haze, and came out of it 6kg heavier.

and without my ketamine addiction to fill the void, the next one seems to be already lined up and waiting for me.

but I didn't act on it. almost because I didn't have the willpower to. I definitely tried, but it didn't stick. I don't even think I fully remember the first week or two of quitting, but I had my audition to obsess over I guess, and I had to eat to be able to perform.

dance was the only thing that ever managed to keep me in check

each time I was genuinely close to death from this, the thing that pulled me out of the depths of it was the fact that I became too weak to dance at all. after a certain point you can't move through the haze. I like to think that's why I never got to those super scary immediate hospitalization weights that I always fantasized about.

then the audition was over

and then they said no

and then I didn't have dance to latch onto anymore. I doesn't matter if I go to class or not - I have a year until the next audition anyway, and fuck all to do during that year.

and I was still able to keep the thoughts at bay, I'm a seasoned pro at this, getting rejected from a school won't be enough to push me back into the disorder.

but it will definitely push me close

and then - genuinely out of nowhere I started having problems with my stomach.

it was the week before my period, so I just ignored it. I'm usually less hungry the week before my period so have cares really, I'll eat way more than usual on my period anyway right?

but then my period comes and my appetite doesn't change. at this point I was definitely feeling it physically - too weak to go to class or do much of anything - but my family was here so I dragged myself outside to see them, and I was still eating every day.

I noticed I looked thinner

I weighed myself

51.9kg

holy shit.

I've lost weight, and I always mentally rounded down my weight in a way - to try and make myself believe I was actually thin, so I thought "damn, 51kg." "damn, that's only 1kg away from 50kg" "damn, that's so close to the 40s"

and this obsession with the 40s, oh my God.

my weight disgusts me unless it starts with a 4, this is just one of those things that has not even remotely left me. just like refusing to drink calories.

again, I was always able to push it to the back of my mind because I didn't really weigh myself, but the weight I already lost triggered me SO badly

and I did look better.

I was more confident in my clothes, and I was way more confident without clothes on

so I stopped fighting the nausea, if I feel too sick physically to eat - why should I?

I'll just eat when my stomach actually feels like it can take it.

and I kept losing weight.

51.3kg

50.9kg

not fast enough, but whatever it's something.

I do believe that if I get down to 48kg, we'll into the bmi 17s range, I'll be happy and won't want to lose more

but who knows

and physically it's just getting worse.

I haven't done shit since my family left, just stayed at home, too weak to do anything, but also feeling full as fuck despite kot having eaten shit.

and as I'm typing this right now, I'm sitting in my gym bathroom, extremely bloated despite having only eaten some yoghurt and 6 dumplings today. and the bloating isn't body dysmorphic delusion, I have a tape measure. I looked so good in the morning, now I can't look at myself.

apart from that, I feel so full in my stomach, I'm coughing and gagging as if I were about to throw up, horrible acid reflux, and I have the hollow feeling in your stomach - I know all of this is because I haven't eaten, but I don't feel like any food I ate right now would stay down.

and I'm still not fully mad about it

yes I feel terrible - unmotivated, exhausted, grumpy, anxious. but I'll wake up lighter tomorrow right?

it's such a sticky situation, an anorexic is never gonna get sick in their stomach and force themselves to eat through it - why would they? it's free weight loss

and despite all my recovery attempts, all my healthy phases, and all the times I've been at a healthy weight, I'm still anorexic.

and I don't feel comfortable typing that out even, my bmi is 18.5, way too high.

hopefully 47 or 48 is enough