#didn’t see anything past the first handful of eps

[gudfornuthin]

All I’ve Ever Wanted

Season 4!Five Hargreeves x fem!reader

! Spoilers ahead !

Summary: six years of travelling to different timelines, and Five isn’t sure how much longer he can go on for. Until he stumbles upon a greenhouse, full of strawberries. And you.

Word count: 4212

A/N: so season 4 was a… thing that happened. This story is basically my own idea of how things should’ve gone in ep 5. Instead of the weird Lila/Five situation, it’s just Five, and his chance of living a normal life with someone new. Hope you all enjoy, and feedback is appreciated :)

Number Five was never one to back down from a challenge. Having been through a series of different apocalyptic events, transporting to a timeline where he spent 40 years alone, and dealing with a misfit group consisting of his exhausting siblings, Five was up for anything. But the current situation he was dealing with? For the first time in his life, he was at breaking point.

After another wasted day spending hour after hour searching for any clues or information on how to get back to the correct timeline, Five returns to the subway, entering one of the compartments and slumping down in the first chair he sees. He rubs his eyes and lets out a visceral sigh, wanting nothing more than to go to sleep. He reaches into his pockets, pulling out a small pack of dried fruits. He rips it open and devours every last piece. He can’t remember the last time he had a proper meal. He was becoming more desperate, rummaging through trash cans and foraging in bushes, hoping anything he picks isn’t poisonous.

The compartment jolts and begins to move, making its way to the next timeline. Five wipes his hands on his already dirty pants, standing up and walking slowly to the door. He wonders whether his apocalypse counterpart will be waiting for him this time.

After several minutes, and Five almost falling over from his lack of sleep, he finally arrives, the doors opening. He steps out, immediately making his way up the stairs. No time to waste. He cautiously pokes his head out, looking around for any signs of, well, himself. Before he can move out more, something wizzes past his head. A bullet. He ducks, as more shots are fired directly at him.

“Give me a fuckin’ break,” Five mumbles, as he finally takes notices of the other him in the distance.

He sticks up his middle finger, and no soon after closes his fists, blinking as quick as he possibly could.

The Five with a gun disappears along with the destroyed world around him. Five drops his arms to his sides, turning around and admiring the new environment. Luscious, greenery surrounds him, with an array of different flowers sprouting from the ground beneath him. A small pond with fish glimmers in the sunshine, lily pads floating on top. He continues turning, finding himself standing next to a tall greenhouse. The glass was slightly foggy, making it difficult to see what’s inside. Five leans in closer, squinting as if that would help. He can barely make out what appears to be pots of fruit and vegetables, some fully sprouted and others not yet ripe. His stomach rumbles, the feeling of hunger consuming him.

A rustle sounds from behind him. He turns quickly, coming face to face with a pair of shears. Five jumps back slightly. He then spots the person wielding said ‘weapon’. A young woman, probably early twenties, wearing a light yellow dress and a pair of brown sandals. Five can’t help but admire her beauty, if it wasn’t for the fact she had a face like fury and didn’t seem afraid of cutting him in half.

“Can I help you?” Her words are kind, but her harsh tone says otherwise.

Five can’t exactly tell this young woman the truth. Showing up randomly in her back yard, covered in grime, gawking at her crops through the window. He raises his hands up in the air, trying to convey that he meant no harm.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, his throat sore having not spoken to anyone in quite some time. “I don’t really know how I got here.” That’s not exactly true. “I’ve been travelling for a few days now.” Try six years. “And I could really do with a hot shower and something to eat.”

The woman doesn’t say anything, just staring, with the shears still held out in front of her.

Five puts his arms down, shrugging in defeat. “I’ll just go. I truly am sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out.” He looks down. “Or step all over your rose garden.” He gingerly moves away from the destroyed flowers.

He turns and begins to walk away, hoping to find an exit as quick as possible. Blinking in front of this woman probably wouldn’t help his cause. A warm hand grabs hold of his wrist, forcing him to stop and look back. She has the shears loosely hanging by her side, as her eyes pierce into Five’s. She seems hesitant, words forming in her mind. At last, she speaks again.

“You’re telling the truth?”

Five nods incessantly, feeling like a child.

“And if I let you in and make you something to eat, you won’t try and kill me?”

Five holds back a laugh, knowing she’s being deadly serious. “I wouldn’t dare.”

The woman waits a beat, then huffs. “Come on, I was just about to start dinner.”

She moves past Five, walking into three greenhouse. He takes this as a sign to follow after her.

***

The young woman allows Five to use her shower, and he’s thankful for the change of clothes she provides for him too. The home is small and cosy, playing into the stereotypical cottage core of living. The lighting is soft, and the smell of pumpkin seems to waft through into every room. It’s calming, it’s peaceful, it’s something that makes Five feel on edge. He isn’t used to the domestic life, away from the terror and destruction, trying to save the world over and over. He knows he can’t stay here long, but he won’t miss the opportunity of a proper cooked meal.

After putting on the change of clothes, Five makes his way down the hall and into the kitchen, a small buffet waiting for him. He finds it hard not to drool, the potatoes and fresh pie, along with the fruit and vegetables he’d spotted earlier. It looks incredible. He takes a seat, as the woman places down a final plate of tomatoes, sitting down opposite Five.

They dish out the food, filling their plates as high as they can, especially Five. He tries not to look like a slob in front of the pretty girl, but finds it hard not to drop some things down his top. She doesn’t seem to notice, or pretends not to.

The woman takes a sip of her drink, clearing her throat. “So,” her soft voice makes Five look up from his plate. “Do you have a name or is that one of the many mysteries of the man shovelling food down his throat like he hasn’t eaten in several years?”

The woman isn’t afraid of being upfront. Five admires that. Although, it’s not surprising considering he’s a complete stranger she’s trusted in her home. He puts down his knife and fork, grabbing a napkin to wipe his mouth.

“No, I have a name. It’s Fi-,” he catches himself, unsure if his ‘name’ would just create more confusion, and unwanted questions. “Jerome. Just, Jerome.”

The woman squints her eyes, but doesn’t push further, seeming to move past his stumble. “Okay. I wouldn’t have pegged you for a Jerome.”

Five shrugs, not knowing what else to say.

“My names Y/N.”

Five nods. “Okay. We’re closer already.”

“Don’t push it,” Y/N says, a small smile gracing her face. Five can’t help but pull the same expression.

***

After a hearty dinner, and some obvious awkward silences, Five insists on helping Y/N do the washing up. The sun was beginning to set, and Five knows he’ll have to leave soon, but something stops him from doing so. He doesn’t want to admit it, but this was the most relaxed he’d felt in a long time. The fear or worry of something bad happening wasn’t there, and as he stands close to the woman he had barely met 2 hours ago, he realises what he’d been missing in his 60 something years. A place to live, with a person who makes him feel safe.

“Jerome,” the voice breaks through his thoughts, as Five almost forgets the name he’d given to this woman. “I feel like we’ve skirted around the topic enough. Is there any reason you were in the state you were in, taking refuge behind my greenhouse?”

Five places down the plate he was cleaning, turning to face her fully. Her expression is calm, and her voice shows no sign of interrogation. It’s a first for Five, as he’s become accustomed to people prodding him for information only for their own benefit. No one’s ever shown true interest in him.

He shrugs. “It’s been a tough couple of years. More than that I guess.” Fives eyes glaze over. “I haven’t seen my family in a long time, and I don’t know if I ever will. And if I do, I’m terrified of the state that I’ll find them in.”

Y/N stops what she’s doing, also turning to look at Five, a look of worry taking over her face. He knows he’s said more than he should have, but he couldn’t help it. He’s not good at sharing his feelings, and when he does, he’s scared of what will happen once the flood gates are opened. He isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to close them.

“What d’you mean? Are they in some kind of trouble?” She asks, a slight shake in her voice. “Are you in trouble?”

Five shakes his head, not wanting to stress out this poor woman who’s been nothing but doting to him. “No! No, I just,” he sighs, knowing he’s really put his foot in it. “I just care about them, a lot. Too much. And I don’t even want to think about not seeing them again.”

A soft hand brushes against Five’s cheek, as he glances at Y/N wiping a tear away from his face. He didn’t even realise he’d started crying. He sniffles, moving away and rubbing at his eyes, fearing how red they may look. He sucks in a deep breath, calming his beating heart. Whether it’s from talking about his family, or the touch from the woman next to him, he isn’t sure. But he fears he’s overstayed his welcome.

Five moves away from the kitchen counter. “I guess I should probably go. Don’t wanna miss my train.” Although he knows they’ll always be one there waiting for him.

He heads for the door, remembering to go upstairs and collect his dirty clothes before he leaves. Footsteps are heard from behind him.

“Uh,” Five swivels back around, as Y/N hesitates over her words. “This may seem kinda forward, and a dangerous move on my part, but, I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight knowing you were out there in the middle of the night, traveling by yourself.”

Five holds his breath, not wanting to jump the gun, but already anticipating the next sentence out of her mouth.

“I have extra pillows, and blankets.” Y/N shrugs. “It’s not the most comfortable couch but I’d say it’s more comfortable than the chairs on the train.”

Neither of them speak for a while. Five ponders her offer over and over, wondering if this is something he wants to decline. He needs to get back to his family. He needs to get back to help them. But so far, every option has been a bust. He’s not sure how much longer he can go on for. It could be the apocalypse all over again. Stuck for 40 years, traveling none stop, unsure if he’ll ever see his loved ones again. Could a good nights sleep really be such a bad thing?

He thinks the risk is worth it. “As long as it’s not too much trouble for you.”

***

That one good nights sleep turned into three months, staying at Y/N’s home, crashing on her couch. It didn’t stop Five from going out, back to the subway, trying to find the possible solution to his six year problem. But the more time he spent with the woman, the less time he wanted to spend away from her. They grew closer, making meals together, gardening together, watching silly romcoms together. While Y/N taught Five how to bake, Five taught her how to fight. A young woman living by herself? It didn’t hurt knowing some basic defence skills.

Five didn’t want to admit it, but his family hadn’t crossed his mind as often as it usually did before he met Y/N. He’d become soft, wanting to be around her all the time, not wanting to visit the subway as often as he should be. He’s lucky enough to call her a friend. He hopes she calls him that too.

***

It’s late, and Y/N is sat on the couch, crocheting a few pairs of gloves and a long overdue jumper. People used to make fun of her for it, calling her an old lady, but she finds it soothing. And making your own clothes is a big bonus too. Five, or Jerome as she knew him, had been out most of the day. She never questioned what he was up to, only that he returned safe, ready for whatever she’d cooked up for him during the day. She wasn’t completely naive in thinking ‘Jerome’ has involved himself in shady business. But unless he plans on telling her, then she won’t bother pushing him on the matter.

A bang echos from the back of the house, specifically inside the geeenhouse. It makes Y/N jump up from her seated position, quickly rushing out to the source of the noise. It can only be one person, or that’s what she hopes. Either way, she grabs for her shears before entering the warm glass room.

“Jerome?” She whispers, watching her step, the only light in the room coming from the moon through the windows.

A muffled groaning reaches her ears, as Y/N blindly moves her hands over the walls, trying to find the light switch. She finally does, and flicks it on. A sharp gasp comes out of her mouth, as the brightness finally reveals her new friend curled in a ball on the floor, rolling in pain.

“Shit.”

She quickly makes her way over to him, delicately wrapping her arms around his waist and slowly helping him off the floor. He stumbles, knocking into a few pots, almost making them fall off the table.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, the word slurring under his breath.

“Don’t apologise,” she says, making sure he’s steady on his feet. “Let’s just get you inside and onto the couch.”

They make their way through into the living room, Five dropping haphazardly onto the soft cushions, while Y/N finally gets a proper look at him. His clothes are ripped, the once pristine suit (one she bought for him as a gift) now in tatters. His hair is sticking up in all different directions, and he’s clutching to his side like his life depends on it. She reaches for his arm, prying it away to reveal an array of bullet wounds, still bleeding.

“You should see the other guy,” Five jokes, tilting his head back and trying to forget about the burning pain running across his body. Funnily enough, if Y/N saw the other guy, he’d look exactly like him, considering this all happened due to an unfortunate run in with apocalypse Five.

Y/N stares at him with wide eyes. “Really? Look, I don’t bother asking where you go or what you’re up to when you leave this house, but I think now’s the time you tell me the truth.”

Five moves his head back down, looking her in the eyes. She’s terrified. And he hates that. He breathes in deep, taking her hand in his.

“If you can help me patch this shit up,” he briefly motions to his wounds, “then I’ll tell you who I really am.”

So that’s what they do. Y/N retrieves the first aid kit from her bathroom, while Five opens up about his life before he met her, and how he’s not from this timeline. He isn’t sure if she’s believing what he says, as she remains quiet the entire time, only occasionally looking up at him and quickly returning to removing the bullets lodged in his side. But she listens. And allows him to pour his heart out to her.

“The past six years were torture. Somehow worse than the forty I spent in the apocalypse.” Five turns his head and stares at the woman next to him, as she finishes up her work. “But these last few months with you. I could finally be normal. I could live a life most guys would kill to have. And I’m so sorry I lied to you this long.”

They fall into silence, the pair somehow closer together than they were a few minutes ago. Both emotionally, and physically. Y/N moves her hand and takes his, squeezing tightly. Five’s heartbeat picks up speed, only now noticing their close proximity.

“So your real name is ‘Five’?” He nods at her words. She nods back. “Hmm. It suits you a lot better than Jerome.”

They both laugh half heartedly, as they stare deeply into each other’s eyes. She moves her hand up to his hair, moving it out of his face, trying to calm it down slightly.

She carries on talking. “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve been through.” Five rolls his eyes. She doesn’t even know the half of it. “But if I can be the person to keep you grounded, for however long you’re here for, then I’m happy to do just that.”

Five smiles, glancing quickly at her lips.

She does the same. “And I hope you’re here for a long time.”

They both lean in, softly pressing their lips against each other’s. Five cups her face, deepening the kiss as Y/N rests her arms atop his shoulders. They move in sync, careful not to cause any more damage to Five’s wounds, as she somehow moves closer, one of her legs wrapping itself around his waist.

They don’t stop, clothes discarded, bodies intertwined, as their growing tension is finally broken. Five isn’t sure if he’ll ever get back to his timeline, but for now, he’s happy to call this place home.

***

Another four months, and still no sign of a way back. Although, Five can’t deny he hasn’t been trying as hard as usual. The peace and tranquillity has consumed him whole, falling into a proper routine with the woman he…

Is it love? Could he truly fall for someone like this? Someone who isn’t involved in the shit show he’s grown accustomed to? Someone who wants that quiet life, watering flowers and baking pies, with him? Maybe it’s what he needs.

Five stands in the greenhouse, picking some fresh strawberries, and trying a few to see if they were ripe. He’s already found the perfect recipe to use them in. Something he knows she’ll love.

As if reading his thoughts, a pair of arms slip around his waist. Y/N rests her chin on his shoulder, peaking over to see the basket full of fresh fruit. She picks one up, moving away and popping it in her mouth. Five turns and looks at her, smiling wide.

“They taste perfect,” she says.

Five takes her wrists, pulling her towards him and kissing her lightly. “So do you.”

She laughs, holding him close and breathing him in. “The cheesy lines don’t work on me, bub.”

“I think they do.” He mumbles, bringing her in for another kiss, sliding his hands up and down her back.

They stay like this for a while, holding each other in the warm glass room. The sun starts to set, as Five looks out and realises what time it is.

“Damn.”

She looks at him, confusion on her face. “What’s up?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing, I just need to do a double check of the subway before dinner.”

Y/N tries not to show her anxiousness, but some of it seeps through. After Five explained to her what the subway is and why he goes there every day, she’s terrified at the thought of him leaving and never coming back. But she knows he wouldn’t do that to her. Not without saying goodbye.

She steps back. “Right. Promise you’ll be safe?”

He kisses her on the cheek. “I promise.”

***

Five spends some time looking around the platform in the subway, checking the lights, checking the maps, even poking his head into the tunnels to see if anything has changed. But nothing. It all remains the same. No sign of his past life waiting for him. Was that such a bad thing?

Holding a small flashlight, he shines it up and down, left and right, hoping his eyes will catch something new. A sudden pop from above startles him, the grip he had on the flashlight loosening. It falls and rolls onto the tracks. Five looks up, noticing one of the bulbs now flickering. He huffs, moving to the edge of the platform and jumping down. He retrieves the flashlight, hitting it a few times to try and get it to work again. It comes to life, flashing in front of him. That’s when he spots something.

“That’s new.”

Five walks over, grabbing the mystery object and holding it up. It’s a plain notepad. He flips it open, scanning over the messy handwriting inside. His messy handwriting. He can’t help but let out a tiny gasp, as he figures out what it all means.

“This is it.” Tears form in his eyes. “This is my way back home.”

He’s shocked. He’s elated. He’s emotionally drained. This is his chance to rejoin his timeline. To see his family after so long. To fix the mess they’ve created. But all he can think about in this moment is Y/N. How the hell is he supposed to break the news to her?

***

After another hour spent pondering this new found information, Five slowly makes his way back home. His home. Where the life he’d built was waiting for him.

He enters the house and walks into the kitchen, where Y/N stands by the stove, boiling something sweet and caramelly. Five just stares at her; humming a random tune, wiping her messy hands on the apron he bought for her when her old one accidentally caught fire. That was the most stress he’d felt since coming here. And if that was the only stress he had to deal with, he’d take it every single day.

She finally turns and spots him, smiling wide. “Oh hey! I was worried for a sec, you were taking longer than expected.”

She moves closer to him, pulling him into a tight embrace. He holds her, not wanting to let go. Y/N can tell something isn’t right.

She leans back. “You okay?”

Five doesn’t reply, only holding the notepad out for her to take. She does so, flipping through the pages just like he did, her expression perplexed.

“I don’t understand-”

“It’s the way back to my timeline.”

She looks up at him, mouth slightly open, as her words fall short. Five can swear he hears her heartbeat speed up, as her breathing becomes erratic. Five isn’t sure what to do, waiting for an explosion of emotions to rain down on him. But nothing comes. Neither of them do or say anything.

Five chooses to break the silence. “I don’t wanna lose you. I can’t. I don’t think I could live the way I used to live. Not after living this life with you.”

Y/N bites her lip, suppressing a sob. “You have to go.”

Five furrows his brow, hoping he heard her wrong. He tilts her head up to stare into her eyes, seeing the tears forming.

“No,” he whispers. “You’ve become the most important thing in my life. The thought of never seeing you again, I can’t do that.”

A tear falls down her cheek, as Five reaches out to wipe it away.

“I’d love nothing more than to stay in this little bubble we’ve created,” she replies, finding it hard to keep her voice steady. “But your family, your timeline, all those people? They need you more than I do. And I know deep down, you can’t bear the thought of letting them die, knowing you could’ve helped.”

Five wants to ask her to come with him. Become apart of his family. He knows she’d get on with them all. And they’d all love her, possibly more than they love him. But he knows it’s cruel to ask her to leave her life behind. The house, the garden, the home that she’s worked so hard on. And the thought of throwing her into the thick of it all. Putting her at danger? No chance.

He pulls her into his embrace, kissing her hard. They hold each other tight, their lips bruising as neither of them can stop the tears from falling.

Y/N is the first to pull away. “If you ever get the chance to come back to this timeline, you know where to find me.”

Five smiles, not wanting to let her go. He kisses her once more. “In the greenhouse, tasting just as sweet as the strawberries.”

[mikanotes]

up close & personal

hyunsu ? x gn!reader

genre: what. mutual pining?

warnings: sweet home 2 spoilers, mentions of blood, injuries. hyunsu himself is a warning lowkey if u watched the last ep u probably get it… that’s all!

synopsis: You know Hyunsu so well. One year apart couldn’t possibly change that. Except if Hyunsu isn’t alone anymore.

authors note: realized at the end of this fic that i cld compare hyunsu’s current situation to venom like a little bit and that just makes everything so much easier somehow. anyways i don’t really like this but i needed to post smt for him after s2 so!

One year ago, you and Cha Hyunsu would’ve been sitting near the entrance of Green Home apartments, and he would be listening to you talk. One year ago, you would’ve firmly believed that by now, the world would’ve been restored to some kind of peace. It had, in a way, but certainly not in the one your past self would have hoped for. And certainly not the one Hyunsu would’ve wanted for the two of you.

Nevertheless, you remained grateful through everything— As much as you could manage. The shelter was as organized as possible and conflict was a surprisingly rare occurence. Things were alright. As long as you didn’t give time for the grief and terror to catch up to you.

But things couldn’t be calm forever. Especially not in the current state of your world.

When Eunyu disappeared with that man from the military, it only took a day before you grew restless enough to depart from the stadium. After all, Eunyu was the closest thing to a friend you had here, at this point. It only felt right to try and find her. And you did, surprisingly, along with a few familiar faces and an unknown one.

You didn’t expect for the evening you found your friend again to be the very same you would see the person you had considered closest to you at Green Home for the first time in… Over a year.

“Finally asleep.” you sighed quietly, watching Eunyu get the rest her body had probably been begging for. It was difficult to convince her you would stand watch and wait for your friend to wake up in her stead, but her exhaustion made her stop arguing eventually.

You turned towards the room he was in.

Cha Hyunsu.

You crossed your arms and sighed. One year without a single trace of him anywhere. And now he… Just reappears? You wanted to be surprised, but part of you really wasn’t. You were angry, just a little— Spending all this time telling yourself he was gone, only for him to come back as if nothing happened felt like a slap to the face. Still, you couldn’t blame him. Yet. You had no idea what happened to him during that time span.

You felt relieved, if anything.

After some hesitation, you walked over to the glass door. Your hand settled on the handle, pushing it open, before your eyes widened. Hyunsu was sitting on the hospital bed, stretching his neck quietly, not at all perturbed by anything. Hell, he even seemed peaceful.

More peaceful than you’d ever seen him.

You stepped inside quietly and let the door close behind you. Hyunsu continued to move his head, slowly, as if trying to relax, and didn’t acknowledge your presence. His shoulder was bloodstained, still, and his hoodie had cuts here and there. Messy as he appeared, this was your friend from Green Home, there was no denying it. You hadn’t even dared hope he could still be alive, after all this time. You couldn’t give your heart such a high possibility of suffering if he turned out to be gone.

And now he was here. So calm.

He opened his eyes with a soft sigh, before turning his gaze to you. “Finally decided to talk to me?” he asked. His tone was different. Too different. This did not feel like the kind of change that happened in a year. He smiled a little at your silence, tilting his head curiously. “No? Do you need more time? That would be too bad.”

He hopped off the bed with a huff and slowly walked over to you. The closer he got, the clearer it became that his eye color was different. Long gone was the blank, dark brown gaze that looked back at you when you two would talk— Replaced by a vibrant sky blue. A stark contrast from what you were used to, as was everything else about him, apparently. Be it his tone or his mannerisms, it all felt deeply wrong, like it wasn’t him at all. You furrowed your eyebrows but stood still, letting him walk to the very edge of your personal space.

“I’ve been waiting to see you for such a long while.”

“Huh?”

Hyunsu’s eyes widened a little before he grinned. This wasn’t … Him. Not exactly, at least. Not the one you talked to so much. But special-cases, or MH, essentially coexisted in one body. The monster forms around a person’s strongest desire, or whatever it was that scientist at the shelter said.

So perhaps, all the times you and Hyunsu had talked in the past had also been conversations that this side of him had been listening to.

A bit scary. You couldn’t really focus on that, though. You took a deep breath and looked at him.

“Is he well?”

He clicked his tongue, expression growing sour. “He’s fine. Let him get some rest. He’s tired.”

You nodded softly, gaze averting. That sounded fine enough to you. He was right, too, earlier— You had been avoiding talking to him since you met again. With the excuse of focusing on Yikyung and scavenging through the hospital, you had plenty of reasons to act as if you weren’t seeing the person you cared the most for after a whole entire year of thinking he was dead.

But you did feel his gaze on you the whole time. It was heavy, and remorseful. You’d planned to talk to him— In fact, that’s why you decided to come over to the room he was in. You hadn’t expected things to turn out this way, however. Seems like you couldn’t talk to your friend, yet.

“It’s nice to know you care, though.” he hummed, gaze never leaving your face. “He thinks about you so much, too.”

You looked back up at him. If this was the so-called monster part of Hyunsu, then what was his deal? A lot of questions about this situation flooded your head. “What are you playing at?”

He chuckled softly, before backing up just enough to hold up his hands in an innocent gesture. “Nothing as evil as you probably think.” he said, voice steady. “I just wanted us to talk. Just us.”

“Huh.”

“You see, your Hyunsu has an interest in you.” he said, tilting his head slowly. It felt as if he was analyzing you. It was a bit unsettling, but you didn’t bother breaking eye contact this time. “But I do, too. I’d say maybe… Even more than him?” his grin widened at his own words.

“I find it hard to believe you care about people.”

“And yet.” he scoffed, expression dropping to a blank one, seemingly annoyed. He dropped his arms to his sides and sighed. “We decided to work together. Couldn’t have him die on me, it wouldn’t be nice for anyone involved.”

You decided this Hyunsu seemed to mean it when he said they made a deal, just about as much as when he said he had an interest in you. So placing your trust in his bloodied hands for the time being, you tried to be less on guard. He wouldn’t kill you, or most importantly, Hyunsu. That was enough for now.

“Okay.” you sighed, crossing your arms. “So you want to talk?”

He smiled a little. “Yes.” he stated, before taking a step towards you. Only this time, he didn’t bother keeping a safe distance. His face was a touch too close to yours. “I’ve wanted to for a while.”

“You…” you paused for a moment, thinking. “Do you usually go around talking to people while getting so close to them?”

“I don’t go around talking to people.” he mocked your tone before scoffing, a grin pulling at his lips. He brought a hand up to your face, holding your cheek firmly. His focus turned to his hand, eyes narrowing in its direction. You felt his fingers loosen a little, as if he was trying to control how tightly he was holding you.

Which he was. Now it felt gentle. Almost unfitting. Not only that but the Hyunsu you knew was never this comfortable with anything close to physical affection. It felt so out of place.

“Does it bother you?” he whispered, eyes flitting over to meet yours again. He moved in closer, just enough for your noses to touch. He seemed to be having fun switching between looking at your eyes and at your lips. “Am I too close?”

Before you could think of a way to answer, you froze. The unfamiliar color in Hyunsu’s eyes dissipated, the cocky expression you were almost beginning to get used to replaced by a soft, almost startled one. His voice, much quieter now, whispered your name. Your eyes widened and you sighed in something akin to relief.

“Hyunsu.” you breathed out. The latter looked at you with a stunned look, struggling to find anything to say for a while. He looked into your eyes like he was making sure you were okay— Making sure you were really alive. His thumb moved back and forth softly over the skin of your cheek, his gaze scanning you in an almost panicked manner. He sighed shakily, before he brought your face into his shoulder. He seemed to be almost trembling.

“I’m sorry.” he exhaled, wrapping his other arm around your shoulders hesitantly. Still terrible at hugging. You’d missed those awkward displays of affection so much. “I… I’m sorry, it’s been… A very long time.”

“God, you’re so cruel, Cha Hyunsu.”

He tilted his head down into your neck. Now you felt his tears on your skin. He really hasn’t changed, you thought. It was obvious when he came running for help when Yikyung was badly injured, when he did everything to help her and went all the way to look for that kid— Cha Hyunsu hadn’t changed.

“I’m—”

“Quit apologizing.” you huffed, holding him tightly. “I missed you, too.”

Hyunsu sighed quietly, tightening his hold on you a little. He was relieved to finally have you with him again, but he couldn’t shake off his worries.

“You talked to… Him? Right?”

“I did.” you said, pulling away enough to look at him. The concern on his features was undeniable. “And it went fine. It’s okay.”

Hyunsu’s frown deepened. “I don’t know if it’s alright. Me staying… So close to you.”

“Don’t even think about disappearing on me again.” you warned, eyes widening. “I don’t care about any reason you give me— Don’t leave again.”

The boy sighed, averting his gaze for a moment, before slowly bringing it back to you.

“I won’t.” he assured, “I won’t leave you again.”

He closed his eyes and pulled you into another hug. He had to believe his existence on its own wouldn’t cause more problems for you to deal with. He had to trust that even if it did, you meant it when you said you didn’t mind. He knew you did. You always meant it.

He opened his eyes and looked at his reflection in the glass door just a bit further away. Seeing you in his arms should have been reassuring. But the blue hue of one of his eyes and the nagging voice in his head seemed to be laughing at his naivety. He pressed his eyes shut again and buried his face in your shoulder.

This is our priority, now. (I know.) No one else comes first. (I know.) Don’t let them get hurt.

I won’t.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Unknown Ep 7 Brain Rot Moments

First of all, this show is incredible. 

Second of all, I haven’t stopped thinking about certain parts of this episode and that means I want to write about them. But I have absolutely no idea what there is to say besides “!!!!!!” 

So I guess here are the small movements of the episode I cannot get over:

The way Qian’s hand hits the couch and bounces on to his lap when San Pang asks him if he has feelings for Yuan. And I honestly can’t tell how much of what I love about it comes from the motion itself, this loss of strength that drops his arm limp beside him when faced with such a question, or if it is the sound of his hand hitting the couch that really sells it for me. The sound when Qian’s hand hits the couch is short and sharp and for some reason that noise feels like an answer to me. Especially because it is followed by silence from Qian. For me, Qian’s hand hitting the couch is his admission.

I don’t think this line was an intentional call back to last week’s episode and it certainly isn’t structured for peak emotional impact, but that does not mean that hearing San Pang tell Qian to stand straight didn’t immediately give me war flashbacks to Qian telling Yuan to stand straight in the midst of Yuan’s confession in Episode 6

Just so many parts of the phone call, probably like all of the phone call scene is just gonna be burnt in to my skull for a considerable time, but especially the way Chris is so legible in expressing Qian’s hesitation, and the way that Kurt is so legible in expressing Yuan’s desperation. I loved the initial panic of Qian feeling the weight of what he was about to do and trying to bail out, the way that Yuan immediately calls him back because he is not going to let this opportunity sneak past, the way that Qian is breathing, how tense he is, how much he has to breathe to steady himself, to mentally prepare to answer the phone and have this conversation.

gifs by @ueasking

How tiny Yuan’s voice is, contrasted with how big his eyes are when he says hello because he can’t believe that this is actually happening. 

How awkward Qian is here, this may perhaps be the most awkward I have seen Qian act. There is so much uncertainty in this conversation with him, the way he has to pull the “how have you been?” question out of his own head, the way he chews his lip as he listens to Yuan’s life updates.

The way Yuan’s lower jaw moves when he is desperately trying to find other topics of conversation, other questions he can ask Qian to keep this conversation going longer. The way that his silence goes on just long enough for Qian to get the “anything else?” question out. The way his jaw moves and his eyes widen and he leans forward when Qian says “bye bye.” It’s exactly the type of reaction I would see from someone trying to physically reach out to someone that is just beyond their grasp. He can’t yell wait to a dial tone.

gif by @ueasking

The way Qian starts to notice Yuan. He fully has not see his face at this point, he hasn’t heard his voice, or his name. But he is staring at Yuan’s shoes with his mouth slightly agape, because he recognizes them.

The way his eyes eventually work their way up in his disbelief, to look at Yuan’s head. The way that he immediately reaches out to Yuan, puts his hand on Yuan’s shoulder. It makes me think about how much Qian wants to, needs to be connected to Yuan. Because the time between when he figures out who is standing in front of him and placing a hand on his shoulder is near instantaneous.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

Following that, the way Yuan slides Qian’s hand off of his shoulder when he is talking with the businessmen. I do not know what it is about that moment, but considering the preview for Episode 8, it feels very in keeping with a character that is playing hard to get. Even if that isn’t the case here, in front of all of these coworkers is definitely not the place for intimate touching between brothers.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

I am also thinking about how that does not dissuade Qian, who then reaches straight for Yuan’s neck. Something tells me these side of the neck/side of the face touches are not platonic or brotherly… but I regardless I appreciate the way that Unknown affirms Qian’s reciprocated feelings for Yuan by having him be the one initiating a lot of physical contact after barely being around much less touching people. I think the only time we see Qian initiate physical contact before Yuan’s return is when he grabs San Pang’s arm to stop him from contacting Yuan.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The way that Yuan cares for Qian once they are in the taxi and heading home, the gentle removal of Qian’s glasses, tucking Qian’s tie in to his left pocket, right over his heart. The way that the tie sticks up just a bit so you can see a piece of Qian poking through

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

The way Qian does not resist at all when Yuan reaches over and slips his arm behind Qian’s neck. The way that Qian lets himself slide further and further until his head is resting against Yuan’s shoulder. Yuan did not pull Qian down, Yuan didn’t push, Qian fully moved THE WAY YUAN RUBS HIS THUMB AGAINST QIAN’S UPPER ARM.

gif by @aejeonghae

The way Yuan breathes in this scene to regulate himself because a lot has just happened, because Qian is Right There, because Qian reached out, because Qian is touching him, because he is back home after four years with a lot of uncertainty hanging in the air.

gif by @wanderlust-in-my-soul

I don’t know about anyone else, but I will be thinking about Yuan putting his hand around Qian’s waist as Qian walks towards the bed. This is an entirely unnecessary action from a movement standpoint as in Qian is able to walk on his own, and Yuan slides this hand to settle at Qian’s waist as they walk, so he isn’t using it as a way to support or steer Qian. That feels like a stolen moment for Yuan, and opportunity for him to hold Qian in ways he has wanted to.

The massage Qian is getting from both Lili and Yuan, this is such an interesting moment for me because it places Yuan’s action here firmly in the familial, siblings category since he and Lili are performing the exact same action. And not only that but they are bickering like siblings do while they massage Qian’s shoulders. Unknown does not and will not stop reminding its audience what this story is about, who this romance is between. Yuan being adopted, Yuan being sent away for four years does not make Yuan any less of a brother to Qian or Lili. They did this earlier in the taxi too, Yuan tells the businessmen that Qian is his brother, Qian tells the businessmen Yuan is his little brother. The time and the distance has not changed how they view each other, they do not lie about the nature of their relationship to one another. There is no fresh start here.

THE EYEBROW QUIRK. GOD I THINK THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE EPISODE. I literally cannot even explain why, I could not tell you what Qian is reacting to here. Personally I think it is an attraction to Yuan thing, that it’s as much of an admission of his feelings for Yuan as the sound of his hand hitting the couch was.

This tired, but genuinely happy smile, dimple and all, hearing Lili and Yuan bickering in the hallway. Yuan and Lili are here. Yuan and Lili are being ridiculous. Yuan and Lili have fallen right back in to their dynamic despite the time apart. Everything is as it should be. Yuan is here. Everything is going to change. Yuan is here. Yuan is here. Yuan is here.

gif by @ueasking

I have said it before and I will say it again that I am not a fan of incest plotlines, I especially have a lot of qualms around romantic and sexual relationships between adoptive siblings, partially because I think it undercuts the fact that they are family. It bothered me in The Fosters, it overwhelmingly bothers me in Umbrella Academy, it bothers me when “we may actually be related” plotlines are added to things (looking at you Shadowhunters series). I recognize a pattern with the ones that I hate being all heterosexual relationships, and I think some of that hatred stems from the fact that a lot of these plots exist because there aren’t enough women in those stories. 

I find it interesting that I had no problems with Ai Di and Chen Yi in Kiseki: Dear to Me because we never see them being raised together and thus there is a massive separation. And I currently don’t have any problems with Qian and Yuan inevitably getting together, for precisely the opposite reason. Unknown has really put the time and effort into showing the dynamics, into building the childhood, in to seeing where these characters came from, into turning these characters into siblings. Yuan understands from the beginning why he should not confess to Qian. Qian reacts to Yuan’s confession in a way I think is realistic. They have four years of no contact, they have four years to reflect on what happened that day, how they feel about each other. They have four years to see what life is like without the other person there, if they can survive it. And Qian cannot. 

But Unknown is not going to let us forget that these are brothers. San Pang knows it is wrong but doesn’t have the words to express it. His aparpent relationship to Lili will serve as an interesting parallel to Qian and Yuan’s relationship because San Pang considers them all family, considers Qian his brother, and yet here he is dating a member of that family. Idk I guess I just feel like they are handling the contents of this show very well, and I am going feral for the physicality of these actors. 

[softtdaisy]

🌲 a walk in the past l Charles Leclerc

summary. this Christmas market has been your favorite for years. today, it's just a reminder of what you lost. of who you lost.

words count. 1,895

a/n. this is the story that inspired the whole angsty Christmas series. it's massively inspired by Cindy Lou who (please listen to Sabrina's ep). it's sad. it's Charles. I hope you will love it 🫶

a very angsty Christmas l masterlist

“You really didn’t have to do this.”

Ever since you were a child, you used to go to the Christmas market every year. It wasn’t even to buy a present. Just the pleasure of walking around this stall, hearing Christmas songs and seeing the pleasure on everyone’s face when they won a game, sharing a sweet and seasonal meal or just this magic thing that seems to make all the people here happy. It was one of your favorite moments of the year and you couldn’t miss it. 

Even if this year, you were close to skip it.

“If you think I would have let you alone in your apartment instead of enjoying your favorite time of the year, you were barking up the wrong tree.” your best friend replied, putting her arm around your shoulder to bring you closer.

You laughed at her gesture and appreciated this feeling of being loved. And not alone.

Something you sadly lacked these past months.

The reason you almost didn’t come this year was simple. It was Charles.

When you started dating three years ago, the Formula One season was coming to an end. You had met through mutual friends in Monaco and he always managed to see you when he came back home, sometimes even skipping time with his family for you -something you were arguing with him for.

Once he was finally free, this Christmas market was one of your first official dates as a couple. You were living a literal teenage dream, walking hand in hand with him, showing him all the places you had memories with -meaning almost everything. You let him buy your favorite sweet and a scarf that you never left after that.

And you did that every year. It was always the first date you had after the season ended. The first time you could act like a normal couple again. And even if Charles met some fans there, very few thanks to the beanie and the scarf hiding him, it still felt intimate. 

One night, after you drank too much wine and were watching the fireworks, Charles told you that at least he knew where he could propose to you. 

It has become your place.

Until he left.

Now it was only yours, alone.

Everything reminded you of him now. The stall with all the puppies where you were talking about adopting one and even thought about the name. The big pine tree where you added your own decoration together, like the tradition says. The photomaton where he kissed you and the picture that was still somewhere in your apartment because you couldn’t get rid of it. Or just every couple, being happy like you used to. You hated feeling jealous about these poor people who didn’t ask for anything but to spend a moment together.

It was hard to walk on the path of your biggest heartbreak.

“How about a hot chocolate?” Your friend asked you. Well pulled you because she didn’t really wait for your answer before walking to the stall. You didn’t mind. It wasn’t like you felt like making any decision anyway. You apologized to the little girl that collided with your legs and followed your best friend until you had to wait because there were too many people.

You looked around and noticed the stall with handmade Christmas decorations. You always bought something there, like your own tradition. “Do you mind if I go there while you wait?” your best friend agreed and you walked there with stars in your eyes.

Not thinking for a single second that going there would wreck your heart into millions pieces.

“Oh, miss little red beanie.” The seller laughed when he saw you, remembering the little girl you were before with your favorite red beanie, until you grew and it became too small for you. You started to look around the decorations, already noticing some new ones that you loved.

Until you heard a laugh. A very distinct laugh that you could have recognized everywhere. You still turned around to make sure you didn’t dream.

Oh how you wished you did.

Because there he was. Still looking as beautiful as before. With his outgrown brown hair hiding in his black beanie, a scarf you used to steal when you couldn’t find yours, eyes so shiny because of the cold and a red nose that you loved to tease him about. No doubt. Charles was there.

And he wasn’t alone.

You weren’t sure you wanted to look at her. To see who she was. How she could be better than you. Why did he choose her over you? Knowing would be hard. Ignoring it wouldn’t be that much better.

But before you could ever decide what you wanted, Charles turned his head. He felt a look on him.

No he had the same feeling he used to have when you were together. There was something different with you. Something magnetic that would always let him know that you were there, looking at him, even if he couldn’t see you. And it was back.

Your eyes met. And suddenly, your heart was breaking again. 

You couldn’t handle the idea of being around him with his new girl. So you did the first thing that came to your mind: running away. 

The perks of knowing this market by heart, you knew exactly where you had to go to avoid people and be at peace.

The con was that Charles knew it too.

“Please wait!” you heard him in your back. What a wonderful idea to have an athlete as an ex, especially one you’re trying to run away from. 

You ended up stopping, not able to go anywhere else without turning around and meeting Charles. With nothing else to lose, you accepted your fate. The terrible fate that you feared these past weeks. 

You really wondered if you would see Charles now that the season was over and he was around. Were there any chances that you would run into each other in such a big city? You thought you wouldn’t. You really thought you would be lucky enough to avoid this confrontation. 

Apparently the universe wasn’t a fan of this narrative.

“I had no idea you would be here, I wouldn’t come otherwise.” 

You laughed. How dare he? You had no idea what you hated the most. The fact he really thought you wouldn’t be there this year because of him. Or that he used this sweet and comprehensive tone like he was really sorry for you. If he was, then he wouldn’t have broken your heart out of a stupid boredom.

“Oh I’m sorry Charles” you said, turning around to finally face him “Do I bother you by being here, at my favorite place, the one I come to every year, the one I showed you because I wanted to live that moment?” 

“That’s not what I meant.” he sighed, putting a hand on his neck and biting his lips. 

You used to love this tic. There were always some moments in your relationship when you had a hard time distinguishing Charles the driver from Charles your boyfriend. Sure, it was the same person in the end. But the media and his PR team were creating a whole entire character around him, one that wasn’t entirely faithful to the real Charles you knew. 

And then there were moments like this where he wasn’t that overly confident driver that couldn't do no wrong. He was the man that you love, scared of saying the wrong thing, conscious that everything could come to an end one day. 

“So what?” you added, taking a step closer to him. It was a dangerous limit, because at any moment, the feeling of being that close would make all your feelings come back. From hate to love there was indeed one step, one you better not take if you didn’t want to come home with a heart even more broken. “If you knew I was there you wouldn’t have brought your new doll?”

You saw the change in his eyes when you said that. And oh how you hated seeing this look on his face. Because you knew it too, there was not one thing you didn’t know about him. And this one hurted, again. It was the exact same look Charles used to give when someone talked badly about you.

Suddenly, you weren’t the one being protected. You were the one he had to protect his new girl from.

“You’re being mean.” he added, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.

“I am mean?” your voice broke at that last word. “You fucking brought her here Charles! It was our place! It is my safe place and now you ruined it! Again!” this time you couldn’t resist and hit his chest with your fist. “Why do you have to ruin everything in my life?”

It wasn’t a real question. Or at least, you didn’t expect any real answer. What could he say? Because he wanted to? Because if you can’t be happy together, you shouldn’t try to be now that you are no longer a thing? Or maybe the worst one: he just didn’t think this through. It would mean you were never important enough for him to think about the consequences.

There was no world in which Charles truly thought about you when he broke up with you at the beginning of the year. When you thought everything was alright, when you were looking for an apartment together, when you had that stupid conversation about having a family one day. He dropped it. The “I’m not sure I can’t do this anymore.” Just like that.

Did he really think about you when he couldn’t give a simple explanation as to why he couldn’t do you anymore? 

A single tear fell from your eye and Charles watched it run slowly on your cheek. “I just wanted to apologize.” he whispered, taking your hand between his. But you immediately dropped it.

“That would have been a first.” 

You both stayed silent for a few seconds before you started to walk back to the market. This time, Charles didn’t try to stop you. It was worthless and he knew that. You wouldn’t stop. You had enough. And even he knew that it would be unkind to try again.

You whipped the tear right before you met your best friend, standing in the middle of the road looking for you. You grabbed a chocolate cup and kissed her cheek to thank her. “Where were you?” she asked, more concerned that you thought she would be. How long did you disappear for her to have the time to buy these drinks?

You turned around and saw Charles coming back too. You watched as he grabbed her hand and gave it a kiss with a big smile. Yes. Something he used to do with you too. “Such a gentleman” you used to say when he did that. But now you weren’t the one getting your hand kissed.

“No way…” you heard your best friend say when she saw them. “This can’t be true right?” she asked you. And you wished you could reassure her.

But the truth was there. Charles broke your heart at the beginning of the year.

And he broke what was left at the end of it.

[pinazee]

Bounty Hunters!

I just find it so adorable when a kid has bright ass food stains on them. Its like the essence of childhood or something more poetic haha also, this might sound insane, but this is the first ep i could feel that shawn and gus had been friends since childhood. Possibly because they’re nearly wearing the exact same shirts and at the same steps so the parallel is a lot more obvious. Like it just clicked in my brain or something.

I just really liked this shot. That is all.

Shout out to James and Dulés’ stunt double

This is one of those times i don’t envy actors. This looks so uncomfortable. Also, i can’t decide if it’s naivety or arrogance that Shawn would think he could go into this bar and be okay?? I guess you can assume that Shawn knew Tancana would stop them before they caused any serious damage but that one guy was about to hit him with a chain, and its one thing to go into this on your own, its another to bring your friend with you.

A+ scene work from Corbin Bernsen here lol

This is what I do to get my dog to stop eating her toys. Doesn’t work with her either.

One of the few times Shawn kind of loses it with Gus and has to recollect himself haha. Like he’s been frustrated sure, but he usually applies some sort of manipulation. But i really like this scene because usually its Gus thats frustrated with Shawns behavior.

Sidenote: about the super sniffer. I don’t think its that he can smell things others can’t, because Shawn usually points it out and can recognize it, i think the super sniffer is that Gus can break the smell down and put a name to it. Like the gardenias in the perfume, the ginger blossoms in the kangaroo paste. Shawn just knows its kangaroo paste. Idk, i had to think about it at least haha

What a goof. But also, ive started watching Gus while shawns doing his breakdowns and he’s like miming beside him haha if i see it in a later ep i’ll gif it.

Its kind of insane that Bird hands over Tancana and this supposedly alleviates Juliets guilt? Like i get the line she says we all make mistakes as a way of saying Juliet’s forgiven herself, but um, she didn’t really do anything. I wish instead they would have had Shawn notify the cops where he’d be, have lassie ignore him per usual, but let juliet take off on her own (against orders) and save them from bird that way (possibly at the parking garage). This way we can see that she can still rely on her gut and it isn’t handed to her by shawn, kind of like the If You’re So Smart ep, when he solved her case and its somehow a win for her. Its still a sweet gesture that Shawn was cool semi-risking his life (and gus’s for that matter) so she can “save” them and get her good reputation back, even if it doesn’t quite make sense haha

The near kiss was perfection! I think a full kiss would have been too soon, particularly because Juliet was pretty vulnerable just then and it wouldn’t feel right. But the fact that it made juliet nervous enough to start dismantling her gun like she’d been doing all day- fantastic way to gain insight into to her mind and give us the audience hope that the ship would exist. She seems pretty conflicted about him (i think mainly because she doesn’t date coworkers?). I mean, from her perspective, she only know him as immature, irresponsible to a degree, who relentlessly flirts, BUT at the same time is incredibly kind and fun. I would have some hesitation too. Being kind and fun will only get you so far, in my book at least. I also need someone i can rely on to do the boring grown up stuff so im not solely responsible and Shawn just doesn’t come across as someone who can do that (yet). And not to spoil it, but in the bank robbery ep, we learn Juliet likes them mature.

okay. I don’t think this is going to be a popular opinion (just to prepare you mentally) cause i believe everyone loves this scene, and don’t get me wrong i love it too, i just think it doesn’t quite fit in the ep? Like i know shawn was flirty with jules the whole time, and he’s trying to impress her, but it was always jokey and they didn’t really have a solid heart to heart moment, and it pulls away from what Juliet was going through. I think if he’d consoled her a bit, let her know that a mistake is inevitable and assuming that she wouldn’t make any was setting her up to fail, that she was still the smartest, and bravest cop on the force and she should remember that the next time that voice in her head says differently, then he could maybe go for the kiss. Maybe. I think I would’ve preferred it if he’d just consoled her and she was the one who went to kiss him but changed her mind at the last second and thats how we get close talking. Because she wants to kiss him, but at the end of the day she’s pragmatic.

(I just want to quickly add that i by no means think i can write these better. This is just fun for me to put my own little spin on it. I also know other factors go into making a show (time, budget etc) so there are things writers wanted to include that would have improved their eps but said factors forced them to make changes. I don’t want these little opinionated changes i’d make to come across as mean spirited or arrogant. They’re more like responses to a writing prompt if that makes sense.)

[drconstellation]

Dr Constellation's Good Omens Master Post of Metas

(Updated 4 June 2024)

See my Google Doc for a full list of Tumblr posts of interest.

Future Echos of the Past

The story of the Great War in Heaven as it appears in the present

#1: The Great War of Tadfield Manor #2: The Newton/Crowley Mirror/Parallel in S1 #3: "Not Even At Gunpoint"

Archangel Gabriel

Supreme Archangel Gabriel often stands on the demonic left-hand side in scene blocking, rather than the angelic right. He’s also fond of taking center stage! Gabriel as a Shoulder Angel: S1 Study S2 Study Part 1: Ep.1 The Arrival and Ep. 2 The Clue S2 Study Part 2: Ep.3 I Know Where I'm Going and Ep. 5 The Ball S2 Study Part 3: Ep.6 Every Day First-Order Archangels Part 1: Maybe You'll See An Archangel

Gabriel and Crowley act as both parallels and foils to each other in S2. In Part 1 we look at some of the ways they are alike.

First-Order Archangels Part 2: Foils of War

Part 2 takes a look at where Gabriel and Crowley oppose one another, as well as highlighting some parallels between their respective partners, Beelzebub and Aziraphale.

First-Order Archangels Part 3: Seeing Eye To Eye

Gabriel and Crowley both have an interesting connection to time.

The Assistant Book Seller

Jim’s knitted vest holds a wealth of symbolic information - and a surprise nod that you didn’t expect.

Giles the Herald

An interesting parallel to Gabriel at the end of S1.

Aziraphale's Edinburgh Journey

Part 1: Detective Aziraphale

One of the reasons Aziraphale goes to Edinburgh is because it is a narrative parallel to Crowley’s trip to Heaven. There are also a couple of other things we need to consider, too.

Part 2: Aziraphale-Beelzebub Parallels

While Gabriel is Crowley’s mirror in S2, Beelzebub is Aziraphale’s. And there is a third character that makes an interesting mirror-triangle analysis that combines and reflects both major characters together as well.

Part 3: Stocktaking in the Basement

Aziraphale does a lot of reflection about the past while he’s on his trip to Edinburgh. How can this help him in the future?

Part 4: Judgement Day

Aziraphale's trip to Edinburgh - and most of S2 - is filled with hints and references to the Second Coming. Gabriel's statue is one of them, but it has another role as well (and it's not for hiding anything under, sorry.)

Part 5: I Know Where I'm Going

Named after a Powell and Pressburger film, and an old Scottish folk song, this title sets the theme for Ep. 3 in S2. It's a discussion about Fate versus Free Will, the dangers of trying to escape fate, and looking at things from a different angle.

Archangel Rings

All the Archangels have golden rings, as well as Aziraphale. Find out what they reveal about each character.

The Golden Lions of Heaven (includes Aziraphale's Lion ring) Michael the Watchful Uriel's Star Ring The Brutal Truth about Sandalphon's Ring

A Companion to Owls minisode

Goats, Crows and The Flood

Crawley turns Job's goats into crows to save them. Why crows? And how does this link to the Flood?

Angelic Sheep and Demonic (Scape)Goats

Understanding the link between goats and demons gives you a deeper insight into Crowley's story - and also some of Aziraphale's.

Come Back When You Can Make A Whale

Take a deep dive into the Book of Job - and find out what it might be foreshadowing for S3

Aye, a Newt

Why Job’s children are turned into geckos, and a S1 connection.

Crossing the Threshold

Inside the Dirty Donkey

We’re going to the pub! What secrets does the Dirty Donkey hide behind its name?

Lifting the Veil on the Bentley

Peering behind the meaning of the Bentley’s number plate.

Memento mori

This is one of the major themes of the series - Remember that you die.

Obligatory Reminders and Crossing the Lines

Have you been wondering why Shax tries to do a mail delivery to Crowley as he escorts the shop keepers to safety from Aziraphale's Eldritch Ball? It seems a pretty random thing to do at that moment.

Stand-Alone Metas

The Ineffable Ducks

What are all those ducks doing? Ever got the feeling that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you…?

The Altar of Eccles Cakes

The Eccles cakes don’t look like they are doing much, but they are there for a reason - so is some of the other food you see.

The Cupperty Ceremony

Every bit of food and drink in both seasons has a metaphorical significance. Tea is no exception. It’s one of the few times an eastern philosophy creeps into Good Omens, but still meets with a western ideal.

When Crowley Met Jesus, and The Other Demon at Golgotha

Aziraphale suggests not one but two demon names to Crowley when they meet at Golgotha. Together they make a clever joke about the Third Temptation that most people miss.

Being Kind to One Another

Some clever and subtle word play on kind, linked between two scenes in the S1E3 Hard Times cold opening.

Once and Future Royalty

There’s a King Arthur and Camelot sub-theme running through parts of S1 And S2. Grab your coconuts and saddle up for a crazy ride through time and space!

Portable People

Crowley's yeeting them around while stress-cleaning the bookshop, Jimbriel is trying to sell them to the investigating archangels, and Muriel just wants to read them all. Should we give a second thought to any of these books?.

Bebop and the Book

Why can Anathema always put her hand on the right card at the right time?

Chiastic Structure of S1

Chiastic structure is a literary device where the story line is mirrored in reverse around a central point. S1 has an amazingly detailed chiastic structure, which actually reveals and confirms some meta speculations!

Chiastic Structure of S2

S1 was a fantastic example of a mirrored story line. S2 …isn’t. But there are still a substantial number of chiastic pairs to be found.

Liberty versus the Tree of Life

A philosophical look at the choices between coffee, freewill and death compared to access to the Trees of Knowledge and Life in the Garden of Eden.

Taking Things At Face Value

How our internalized values influence the way we judge people, often based on their outward appearance alone.

The Rules of Engagement

The Technicalities of Licenses, Permits and the Limits of Authority in Good Omens

A Tale of Two Peacocks

A look at the relationship between Gabriel and Michael: what they think of each other, and how they act as foils to each other.

If you are looking for more metas there is a group effort on this google doc here: Good Omens Crackpotting Theory Tracker This brings a lot of ops together in the one place.

[irisintheafterglow]

End Game #6 (volleyball captain!gojo x you)

summary: the tokyo teams have a beach day before Nationals prelims.

wc: 2.25k

cw/tags: mild language, jjk volleyball au, friends to lovers, fluff and crack and crack and fluff, gender neutral reader, suguru doesn't know how to cut a watermelon

note: SURPRISE beach ep? beach ep BUT with a little treat at the end <3 reader is implied to have played when they were younger but stopped before high school. hope you like it!

likes/reblogs/feedback are appreciated!

“Megs, did you bring sunscreen?”

“What are you, my dad?” 

“Megumi.” You give him a pointed look through the rearview mirror and he frowns. 

“Yes, I did.” Your eyes return to the road and you press down the buttons to open the windows. Salty wind blows past your face as you carefully descend the winding hills down to the beach, one hand on the wheel and the other blowing carefreely on the window frame. You feel oddly peaceful despite the boys arguing in your car.

Satoru whips around in the passenger’s seat, looking thoroughly offended. You insisted on driving down the steep slope because he’d inevitably become a safety hazard when insulted by either one of the kids in the second row. “You’ll answer to them but not to me?”

“Yep.” You make a little noise of amusement in your throat when Satoru’s indignant voice overpowers the music he was playing from his phone, despite your speakers being worked to their limit. 

“I’m your captain!” He looks at you for help and your palm lightly meets the side of his face, diverting his attention to Yuuji for reassurance. Lightning blue eyes stare at Yuuji expectantly through the dark rims of his sunglasses. 

“You definitely are, uh, sir…” Yuuji’s voice comes out as a nervous stutter and you bite back your laughter while you pull into the parking lot. 

“Only when we’re indoors,” Megumi deadpans with a blank face. He unlocks the car door, reaching for the handle and flashing his captain a cynical smile. “Thankfully,” he finishes before exiting the vehicle followed by a very apologetic Yuuji on the other side. 

He sighs, exasperated. “They’re really something else, aren’t they?” He glances at you as you adjust your sunglasses in the rearview mirror and fish around the center console for your sunscreen stick. 

“Mhmm,” you reply absentmindedly, still intently looking for the little rectangle in the mess of napkins and gum wrappers. You huff, a bit irritated by losing something so small. “Satoru, have you seen my–”

“This?” Slender fingers hold the wave-covered stick out to you and your eyebrows dip in confusion as you take it and apply it to your face. “You told me to hold it so it didn’t melt, remember? Before you accuse me, I promise I didn’t break it.” He gives you that lopsided smile that sends your heart on one of those carnival drop rides and you exhale a breathy laugh. 

“I wasn’t going to accuse you of anything, but thank you.” You finally open your door and step out into the breezy ocean air, eyes searching for the rest of the team when something clicks in your mind. “Oh, Satoru, could you–”

“Already on it,” he says as he grabs your bag from the floor of the passenger seat and slides it across the roof of the car. “You really think so lowly of me?” He ducks back into the car to retrieve one of the three volleyballs that every passenger in your car thought to bring. 

“I would never. I’m just keeping you on your toes.” You shoot him a grin and sling the tote over your shoulders as he takes his place by your side, checking the messages on his phone. “I’m assuming everyone’s here since Megs and Yuuji have quite literally evaporated.” 

“Yeah, they’re by tower three. Shoko and the girls just got there, too.” 

“Better hurry up, then, or they’re gonna eat all the food first,” you suggest and laugh at the shocked look that washes over his face as he starts to cartoonishly run forward in fake panic, lanky limbs flailing about. “That’s the wrong direction, genius!” 

You hear both teams before you see them and pinch the bridge of your nose as Suguru tries to cut open a watermelon with a plastic knife, much to the entertainment of the other players. Nanami observes with a disgusted look on his face in stark contrast to Yu’s fascinated expression beside him. Panda and Inumaki look ready to bolt away from the fruit like it’s a grenade lest Suguru makes it explode. You spot Yuuji and Kugisaki, one of Shoko’s players, trying to throw Megumi into the ocean. Relishing the warm sand brushing under your feet, you meet Suguru’s eyes with a skeptical gaze and patiently position the strap of your bag further down your arm while Satoru helps you find the actual knife. 

“What took you two so long?” The vice-captain scowls, taking the knife from Satoru with a determined glint in his eye. “Gimme that. I’m gonna beat the shit out of this God-forsaken fruit.”

"It's just a watermelon, Suguru. Just stab it."

"I'm gonna stab you if you don't shut up."

Shoko appears at your side, soda in hand and bumping her bikini-clad hip against yours. “He’s been working on that for ten minutes. For such a dangerous team, they really share one brain cell, huh?” You chuckle and nod in agreement, following her down the table with the rest of the food and chucking items on your paper plate. “This is a nice little party you’ve got going here, though it would be better with some stronger drinks,” she remarks, winking at you knowingly and allowing you to connect the dots of her pregame before she came. She wordlessly holds your food while you spread out your things. 

“As long as you’re not driving anyone, including yourself.” You point at her with a cautionary finger and settle next to her on your towel under an umbrella. “You ready for Nationals prelims?” She replies with her signature indifferent shrug, stretching out in the sand. “That bad?”

“Meh. We’ll win like we always do. The new girl, Nobara, is pretty good. I’m sure it’ll be fun.” Her voice trails off and you take the first sip of your drink when a manically excited energy seizes her body; she shoots upward like a vampire in a casket. You stare at her, a little put off by her sudden show of urgency, and her eyes widen mischievously. “We’re doing a match against the boys later, first to 25. You’re playing.” The liquid of the drink catches in your throat and you cough, covering your mouth in embarrassment as Shoko smirks at your shock. You blink back tears that watered while you were choking and eye her nervously. 

“I’m absolutely not.”

“You absolutely are.” You groan in protest and she clicks her tongue. “C’mon, it’ll be fun. We’re making Ijichi play on the boys’ side so it’s only fair.” Your face scrunches in reluctance and she scoffs at your hesitancy. “You’ll be fine; I wasn’t lying when I said you could’ve been captain if you didn’t have such bad commitment issues. Besides, what are you gonna do with all that intensive training just sitting around in your head?” 

You exhale deeply in surrender. She had a point. “You are an evil, evil woman.” 

“Yeah, you love me.” 

After a few more hours of eating watermelon triumphantly defeated by Suguru and watching Yuuji teach Yuta to do a backflip, Shoko eventually calls for both teams to line up on either side of the sandy court as the sun begins its descent below the skyline. You begrudgingly shed your cover-up, leaving you in just your swimsuit and sunglasses. Satoru finds you somewhere between the start of the game and changing your clothes. 

“I have an idea,” he drawls, hands in the pockets of his trunks. You bend down, stepping out of your shorts and you catch him clearing his throat behind you. For what reason, you had no idea. 

“Uh-oh,” you tease over your shoulder, stretching your neck and arms with him still at your back. “That’s never a good thing.”

“Mean.” He clears his throat again like he was trying to expel something from it. 

“I know you’re going to tell me anyway, so go on, after you’re done hacking.” You turn to face him and are surprised to see his face slightly pink, voice shaky like he was anxious despite trying to play it off with a smile. 

“Whoever wins gets to throw the loser in the water.” 

“If you want to go swimming, you could just say so.” 

“That’s a little cocky for someone who hasn’t played a match since the Dark Ages.” You narrow your eyes and fight the butterflies fluttering in your stomach when he steps closer, toned muscle barely covered by his unbuttoned shirt. “So, what do you say?”

“You’re on, honored one.” 

A cruelly humorous twist by Fate has you optimistic that you’ll win the bet. 

The power goes straight to your head as your tongue swipes across your lips absentmindedly in concentration. You’re on the receiving end of the plays you’d been studying for three years, and a decade of dormant training now rears its long-hidden head. You read the team, your team, like a book, picking up on the tells that the girls’ team didn’t think to recognize. You catch the challenge in Satoru’s bright eyes several times, his expression remaining amused as the rest of his players realize that you can, in fact, go toe-to-toe with them and win. He doesn't flinch when you receive the most powerful of Suguru’s serves, nor does he blink when you lock into place next to Nobara and deny Yuuji’s strikes. He murmurs snarky comments to you when you’re both in the front row, taking credit for your well-aged skill because of the numerous times he snuck you out of your window. All you can do when the boys voice their shock is shrug after digging Megumi’s setter dumps or Yuta’s shakiest floats, your palm meeting Shoko’s in celebration for every successful play. 

But no one is a match for the unrelenting will of Gojo Satoru.

Not even you. 

You shake your head in tired disbelief at the final score, 25-23, as the boys’ team cheers for their powerhouse captain, laughing as you catch your breath. Shoko collapses onto the sand beside you, both of you sprawled out on the ground like starfish. Even though you lost, the adrenaline makes you feel so alive and you’re grinning like an idiot at the soft pink sky. 

Shoko’s chest heaves in exhaustion and your delirious ass can’t stop giggling. “I’m not sure why I thought that would be a good idea. No one’s a match for your little boyfriend, not even us.” 

Your laughter dies off and her words stew around in your mind. Turning your head to meet her eyes, you force your brain to make coherent thoughts again. “My little…what?” 

“Don’t play coy. You know exactly who I’m talking about,” she says with finality, winking at you as her gaze flicks up to something approaching behind you.

But, before you could question her further, strong arms slide under your legs and back, lifting you off the sand with ease. You yelp in alarm and feel the vibration of Satoru’s chuckle against your shoulder as he walks you toward the crashing waves. Wiggling in his grip, you try to jump away but are prevented by the firm hold he has on your legs. Your arms wrap around his neck to give you more leverage, but turn into a way to shrink into his neck as the sea gets closer and closer. Embarrassing shrieks of terror escape your body as his feet hit wet sand, wading into the waves. 

“No, no, no, no, no, no, Satoru!” You brace for impact as his body swings you forward, but no cold landing comes. You peel your eyes open slowly, and feel his laughter against your body as you realize you’d tucked yourself into his chest. You shake your head, laughing with him while he gently sets your legs down. You don’t change your position, though, with your arms wrapped around his neck and hiding beneath his chin. His hands snake around your waist and pull you close, and you swear you feel a feather-light kiss on your temple. 

You relish in the sweet intimacy of the moment before an idea pops into your head and you slyly maneuver to the side so your right calf is lined up behind his, your arms still around his neck. He barely has a second to look at you, puzzled, before you pull your leg toward you, pushing his out from under him and simultaneously throwing him forward so you both crash into the water. He cries out in surprise, splashing into the water while you untangle your arms from him. 

When you surface for air, you turn a full circle in the chest-high water only to find him completely gone. You’re about to call out his name when you scream, feeling a hand touch your leg. Suddenly, his arms are around you again and he’s shaking his hair out like a wet dog. He’s grinning from ear to ear as he looks at you with so much adoration that your heart stops. You jokingly push his face away but his body is determinedly pressed against yours, arms supporting your waist while you let your legs wrap around his torso. Your hands cup his face, allowing you to fully admire his beautifully love-struck eyes that look at you just as intensely.

Maybe it’s delirium or maybe it’s love, but when you lean down and press that first kiss to his lips, you could stay in that one moment for the rest of eternity. You didn’t really know what you were doing, but you knew you liked it. 

You knew you liked him. 

God help anyone who tried to take him from you.

[writingcold]

Hello!  Welcome to Chapter 4 of CD&FE.  

Pairing: Jake X Female Reader 

Summary: This is an AU that starts with the release of GVF’s first EP, Black Smoke Rising, and follows along life paths over the course of twenty plus years.  We have both her and Jake’s POVs in this posting.   

Content warnings: Language, smoking, drinking, adulting? Mentions of sexual situations, but no smut in this part.

Word Count: approx. 7.8K 

If you haven’t taken notice, but I so love @edgingthedarkness and @takenbythemaddness.  They are amazing human beings. 💚 😘💚

CD&FE, Part 4.1:  Her POV

     I stared out the frosty windows in a furious attempt to adjust my brain.  I had been blanking out on the theme for a gala, finding little inspiration in the frigid February morning.  Especially since this event was not to happen until the following year in the summer.  I had promised a rough sketch presentation in two weeks, but honestly, I was too distracted to really be able to focus on much.  

      “Hey, Boss,”  Billie said as she breezed into my office.  “I have results of Saturday night’s opening in Nashville.”

      “Oh thank god,”  I sighed as I tossed my pen down and stretched out.  

      She set her laptop down in the middle of my desk and brought up the video shots of the gallery opening before the huge event and during.  I couldn’t help the smile that crept across my mouth seeing our work in any job, but this one was definitely one of the cooler ones.  A whole gallery dedicated to historical musicians and their art work.  All the signage, all the advertising - that was all handled by my company.  Our reputation was growing across so many different areas that our staff had more than doubled since I had started in with them.  It really was satisfying to see our work - some of it my own - out there in the world.

      “Oh, this is the red carpet portion,”  Billie chirped as she pulled up a chair next to me.  “They had some really big talent show up.  It was one hell of a party from what the clients said.”

      We watched for a few minutes as musicians and a wide variety of other entertainment figures began to flow through the shot on the screen.  It held my attention for a bit.  Billie appeared to be all in as I turned my gaze to my own screen to a big fat blank page that was begging for something - anything - to be spilled across its surface.  

      “Mermaids, huh,”  she laughed as she caught on that my attention was elsewhere.  

      “‘Magic of the Big Blue’ doesn’t have to mean mermaids,”  I touted, knowing right well that was one thing the next project was labeled as.  “It’s an aquarium.  I get they want fantasy, but come on.  There’s gotta be something…”

        My words dried in my throat as I caught sight of the gallery event once more.  It was a mix of a red hot poker and an ice cold dagger simultaneously jammed under every inch of my skin.  

      Billie touched my arm in an attempt to catch my attention.  “Hey, you okay?”

      Jake stood off to the side.  I didn’t see any of his brothers, just that he stood close to a woman.  She was beautiful with flawless hair that tumbled down her back and a body that curved in all the right places.  His hand was dangerously low on her back with a familiarity that could only come from being together.  She was smiling her perfect red lips at him with a thousand watt shine and he seemed to return it.  

       “Y/n?”  she asked again, leaning closer to try to see what I was looking at.

       “Sorry, yeah yeah,”  I breathed finally.  “I’m good.  Sorry.  Just someone I know.”

       He looked good.  His hair was shorter, brushing just past his shoulders.  His easy smile was full of warmth and comfort.  He was dressed in a black blazer with a dark cranberry button up and black trousers with his Chelsea boots.  Sunglasses were in place until he took them off to hang precariously on the front of his shirt.  The woman looked back at him and I saw it:  he had found his badassed vagabond.  I think it would’ve been easier to have my skin flayed off with a spoon than to look at the happiness that was before me.  I watched as the couple disappeared into the doors, hands entwined and smiles in place.

      Billie continued on, skillfully navigating my shift in mood to wrap up the finalizing steps of the account and make her way out.  All the while, I nodded and pushed my most professional persona forward.  She knew.  It was obvious in her gray eyes that she saw the deep, resounding ache that my insides seemed to be screaming.  Alone, I reached for my phone and brought up his private social media.  It had been more than six months since I had laid eyes on his page.  Six months since we had reached out and talked.  So it came as no surprise that it was close to six months that ‘Clara’ had popped up in his feed, starting with an innocent candid of her with Josh and Danny.  There was another posting of just her and it looked like she was in London.  It was tagged ‘badassed vagabond queen’.  

        “Motherfucker,”  I gasped, quickly closing out the page and setting the phone to the side.

        I blew up across my presentation, my mind suddenly clear on what to do - and no there were no damn mermaids featured.  I left late that night, unable to really turn off the brain as it spilled out in furious, anxious energy.  Patrick had called, but I feigned a headache and passed on his little outing with the group of his professor friends.  When I got home, I turned off my phone and slid into the bathtub.  The last time I had allowed myself the luxury, I had been debating with myself whether to ask Jake to go on vacation with me.

       I was the source of this injury.  I knew what it was to love that man.  I knew what it could have and would have been.  I swirled the rich red wine in my glass before sipping at the liquid with a stiff lip.  There was no way for me to cry over my choices.  It had taken weeks to process my time in the cottage.  I had scrolled through my pictures repeatedly, finding nothing but a joy that was so very pure with a man that could not be mine.  Not really.  Right?  Jake’s use of my own words to describe Clara was his way of letting me know he was happy - right?  It was not meant to harm.

       Due to project deadlines, I couldn’t take my spring trip to the north.  Summer came and went and I was eyeing up October and a well deserved break.  I was not going anywhere.  I had a stack of books and a few dinners with friends planned.  It would be enough.  I had steered clear of Jake’s socials - private and public.  I did not need to torture myself with smiles that I had called my own for hours only.  I had not reached out, but neither had he.  Somewhere in my brain there was a lament.  Why hadn’t we talked about meeting in a different time - kind of like that old movie with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr?  I didn’t need the top of the Empire State Building, but maybe to say if we were still unattached two years from now…

     Stupid.  I was being stupid selfish.

     Day three of my time off was a very mild Friday evening.  Patrick had invited me to be his plus one to a university dinner.  I had spent the better part of the day trying to clean my very neglected kitchen cupboards.  I was just slipping into shoes when Pat knocked before gliding in with a loud hello.

      “That’s what you’re wearing?”  he asked, hands on his hips and eyes narrowed in on me.

      I looked down at my outfit.  It was actually not dissimilar to his own: trousers and dress shirt.  I shrugged as I was reaching for my cardigan.

      “Oh shit no,”  he sighed.  

      “What?  What’s wrong with this?”  I asked, feeling defensive as he strolled down my hall to invade my personal space.

       “Well, if you wanted to look like Annie Hall, great, but not tonight,”  he sighed as I followed him into my closet.

       “You don’t need to be in here, Pat.”

       “Obviously, I do.”

       I smacked at his shoulder, but stopped and stepped back.  “Why?  I’ve worn this very outfit before to one of these things.  What’s going on?”

       He glanced at me - and there it was.  A glimmer.  Now the question was - was it mischief that he was up to, or was it something I needed to really be worried about.  He ducked and shifted around like a guilty puppy.

       “Damn it, Patrick.  No.”

       “What?  Nothing’s going on.”

       “Bull. Fucking. Shit.”

       He tugged out an eggplant colored dress then shuffled around the shoes.  “Just please.  For tonight.”

      I grimaced.  I hated the dress that he was trying to shove in my direction.  He had even started pulling accessories out.  That’s when I knew.

      “No, Patrick.  No.  You’re not doing a pity set up for me.  Forget it.  Especially with one of your nerdy little professor friends.  That’s the last thing I need.”

       “Y/n - it’s been months.  It’s getting painful.”

       I stomped out of the closet with hands raised and anger in my belly.  “It’s fine.  I’m just not into seeing anyone right now.”

      “And there’s nothing wrong with that,”  he replied as he tossed everything on the bed.  “But there’s something about this one that I think you’ll like.  He’s new this year.”

      “Name.”

      I saw how he perked his eyebrow before looking at me.  “You can’t judge a book by its cover, nor a person by their name.”

      “Oh this just gets better.”  I folded my arms across my chest and dug in.  “Name, Patrick.”

      “Dr. Francis Aaberg.”

      I rolled my eyes like a teenager and shook my head.  “Sounds like he has a twelve foot pole of pretentiousness up his ass to me.  Let me guess, he’s a professor of poetic studies or medieval literature.  No thank you.”

      “Medieval historical studies, actually.  Frank is a nice guy,”  he argued, holding the outfit out to me.  “Just try.  For me.”

      “Why for you?”

      He squished his eyes closed for a moment with a grimace.  “Because it’s been four months since you’ve been on any kind of date.  Even then, you shot the poor guy down before the dinner check arrived.  I just -”

     “How very asshole of you, Patrick,”  I groaned.  “I think I’ll stay in tonight.”

     “Sometimes I miss the days where you’d come out with me for an album,”  he sighed.  “Oh wait - the last time you did that you met a man that you refused to run away with.” 

      Ouch.  That fucking hurt and he knew it would fucking hurt.  It made me stop and root down to the spot I stood upon.  “Low blow, friend.”

      “On purpose, friend.”

      “You’re infuriating.”

      “And yet, you still love me for it.  Get pretty.”

      I took the outfit and retreated back to the bathroom.  I was grumbling that I would give this guy two seconds to prove himself, although I knew for a fact he was not listening.  I said it for myself.  Was I wallowing?  Maybe a touch.  

      Despite feeling awkward, I walked into the fancy-smancy cocktail hour of the evening with an enigmatic smile and a false confidence that no one could see as total bull shit.  Well, save for Patrick.  He kept his hand in mine in an attempt to keep me with him instead of following the absolute need to sprint home and don my rattiest pair of sweats and eat the pint of ice cream in my freezer.  

     “There he is,”  Pat replied as he was handing me my Tito’s + cranberry.  “Dr. Aaberg!”

      I turned to catch sight of a man who looked to be over six feet tall with neatly groomed long hair that was tucked into a bun at the nape of his neck.  When he turned his face towards us, I felt a fire ignite in my throat.  Ridiculously handsome was the phrase that tore through my brain.  From the stern brows to the sharp wit of his eyes, to the soft smile and strong jaw - all of it - all of him - was causing my axis to shift in the opposite direction.  Somehow, I made it through introductions and survived hearing his voice for the first time.  His smooth baritone struck and I couldn’t help but to picture sitting before him just losing myself in him as he talked about the weather.

       I retreated to my quiet space during the dinner, listening to Patrick converse with different colleagues.  Dr. Aaberg was actually seated nearly across from me, but the distance was vast due to the stupidly wide round table.  It gave me an opportunity to see how he interacted with others.  Somehow, I had turned to put in my requested opinion, putting my focus on the woman on the other side of Pat.  When I turned back to lift my drink, I discovered that ridiculously handsome man was smiling at me like I had caught him looking.  Instead of a grin and perhaps a blush, he doubled down, fully turning his body towards me.  He pointed to the chair next to mine which was suddenly vacated.  I nodded.

      As he stood and moved, Patrick pinched my knee under the table.  He shot me a smug look as Dr. Aaberg sat down.  The evening had just turned a corner.  It was like the rest of the night faded into a blur of laughter and what seemed to be polite getting to know you style of conversation.  He insisted his friends call him Frankie, poking at his name in the smoothest of fashion.

      “My parents were a little pompous when it came to naming their children,”  he laughed.  

      By the time we left, I had discovered many interesting things about that man, including his number.  Effortless.  It was strange that there was so little effort into how we clicked.  Over the course of weeks, my life turned into one of those film montages, each scene contained the ridiculously handsome Frankie.  Coffee shop.  Check.  Movie night out on the town.  Check.  Movie night camped out in his adorable, very cozy living room.  Check.  Him delivering flowers to my office, personally.  Check.  Me surprising him with a visit during one of his lectures.  Check.  Running through a thunderstorm to get to his car after a fabulous dinner out.  Check.  Taking in a crappy little band at the pub and loving it.  Check.  Even a damn road trip with his sister, Eponine.  Check.  That greeting card company’s movies had nothing compared to us.  Just saying.

      The holidays were rolling around when I found myself looking at the schedule of projects coming up.  I may have been in the planning stages of my next getaway, that may or may not involve my now steady company.  The air whooshed out of my lungs as my eyes landed on a very familiar name and venue.  The management for GVF were listed, along with the cursory meetings with a tag of {inserted names} of the band.  I had been on this side of the ticket before, but I was lower on the totem pole.  I would be the one handing this order over to Billie.  It did not mean that I would have nothing to do with the project, but I…  I had to be the boss now.  

      Jake would be in town at the end of April.  The thought struck hard.  It would mark two years since our vacation together.  I had not heard from him in any form of communication.  I had also not extended any kind of acknowledgement either.  My heart constricted with pain that was fainter than it had ever been, but it was there.  The corners of my mouth curled down.  My eyes traced over to my phone as my fingers itched to just take a look.  Just one look to see if he was still doing all right.

      I looked out across my office like I would be caught.  I was the boss, now, wasn’t I?  I could tell them to fuck off.  A few minutes on the socials wouldn’t be detrimental.  I opened up the app and typed in his private account.  I sucked in a breath at the sight.  The most recent post was from Thanksgiving.  Jake was wearing a smile that was blazing with electricity.  And there was his Clara with a big assed ring on her finger.  My brows shoved together.  He had told me that marriage was not something he had expected to have - especially with his job.  I stared at the scene like a beggar, so wanting to feel that level of happiness once more.  I covered my mouth in an attempt to stave off the hiccup of emotion.

      I retreated back to my own page, seeing there was a private message, I opened it to find a single word sent from Jake the same day of his post announcement of his engagement.  Happy?  I let out a searing, cloying breath.  I knew he did not mean it any way other than to simply ask if I was okay.  My mind trailed back in time to those last hours of our time together.  We were all tangled up in my bed, every inch of skin pressed against each other.  Our emotions were on full display to each other.  I was so close to begging him to stay just a little while longer.  I cursed my own stubbornness for weeks after I had watched him walk out my door.  I think he felt the same.  But that’s all I had - I thought he felt the same.

      I collected myself and turned my attention back to the screen.  I bit at the corners of my mouth as I filled in the schedule, keeping my name out of the line up for anything to do with the GVF graphics team.  

      I was rescued by a notification on my phone from Frank.  I picked up the phone to find him standing dressed in a very tailored suit giving Thor a run for his money.  Epi was getting married New Years Eve and he was walking her down the aisle.  Amazing did not really seem a good enough word to describe how he looked.  The ache for Jake stabbed a bit, but it was slowly being replaced by a warmth for the man who was here before me.  It was after all, what I had promised him I would do if ever presented a chance if it was not with him.  Frank was a good man.  Kind.  Intelligent.  A rather intense, crazy fuck.  But he was above all - good.  I could survive on ‘good’.

      Time moved on.  My relationship with Frank progressed.  It was moving towards the center of March and he had whisked me away to an extended weekend in San Francisco.  It was beautiful.  Between eating, drinking and fucking, I thought for sure there would not be a more perfect getaway.  We were on the beach at sunset, walking huddled together as the sea breeze still held a tinge of cold.  I don’t know what came over me - be it the romanticism of the ocean, or the time together, or the man before me, but the words came to me.  I was in love.  The hollow space that Jake still resided in was there, but to be honest, it was a spark that went unkindled, hadn’t it?  I had promised to love who was before me.  That man was not Jake.

       It felt good to allow myself this happiness, this intimacy with him.  He allowed me to feel like I was human once more.  Of course, Patrick was one smug bastard over the matter.  His litany of female companions were dwindling down, and he was finding himself in the same company of a woman that none of us expected - Sidney.  Somehow, they had reconnected.  Jake’s question all those years ago if love prevailed over all had struck me over the head.  It was sweet to see that their love became realized, in the end.

      The first week of April brought my nervousness to an all new high.  Billie was doing a brilliant job on the GVF account.  She had everything set up and ready to go a few weeks in advance and had versed me in the entire process.  The day before the scheduled meeting, she called in sick.  Billie had come down with something pretty bad and there was no way I could allow her to be in that meeting, even with it being virtual, looking like she had been dragged through a lake of fire and drenched in swamp water.  

      “Y/n, I’m so sorry,”  she was saying over the phone in between sniffles and coughs and wheezing.  “I can try, but-”

      “No, no,”  I was trying to get words to roll off my tongue like a normal person, but the thought of being in that meeting was making all sorts of knotted up.  “You’ve been so good about documenting everything.  Really.  Just stay home.  I can’t have you getting worse.  I have enough time to comb through it to wing it.”

      “I will owe you everything,”  she said before falling to a coughing fit that made my own lungs burn.

      “Just get rest, please and thank you,”  I replied as I was bringing up all the presentation files that she had prepared.  “I’ll fire you if you don’t.”

      “Yes, boss,”  she said with a congested laugh before saying her goodbye.

      I had just over two hours before the meeting.  I had to get my shit together.  I had all of Billie’s notes, files and the schedule in front of me when I noticed that the {inserted names} had been replaced by actual names: Josh and Sam.  A wave of relief struck that left me feeling much less frantic.  I repeated to myself over and over that I was going to be alright.  It was just a formal meeting - exactly like what I had already lived through a few years prior.  

     I swear the clock was against me.  Suddenly it was five minutes before I was to be in the conference room.  I checked in with the tech team, and there I was faced with the GVF graphics team.  I apologized that Billie could not be with them, but reintroduced myself, reminding them of our time a few years before.  This was kind of like the pre-meet before going before what Jake had called the suits of the management team.  I was immediately shifted into overdrive professionally as I discovered that there would be a few last minute changes in what the show would need.  I was scrambling to include these changes when the display board lit up before me to cast the view of a conference room live from Nashville.  

      I buried the minor panic from the moment and smiled into the camera as a welcome came through the screen.  I listened as their graphics leader explained the situation as I realized I was not looking at Sam and Josh.  Jake was sitting next to his twin, his eyes squarely on my position on the screen before him.  I felt every drop of moisture dry up inside of my mouth.  I fought to maintain my smile.  I said my hello and my introduction, with the preface that I had been team leader the last visit GVF had had to the Twin cities, and was well acquainted in what their needs would be when it came to the venue.  

      Josh let out a chuckle before his hand landed on Jake’s arm.  “Y/n!  So good to see you.  Hope you are doing well.”

      “Hello, Josh.  Jake.  It’s good to see you both once more,”  I said, keeping my tone reserved and professional.  Though in my head I was screeching and screaming and perhaps even experiencing more than a few voice cracks.  

      I watched as Jake swallowed hard, his eyes were hidden by his sunglasses.  He did not smile.  He did not give any way for me to know what he was thinking.  “Deep Purple,”  he finally said, and the room around him stirred with an uncomfortable shift.

      The team leader stepped in and started going over the logistics.  I picked up his thread and ran with it, incorporating the changes and moving on with the meeting at hand.  The whole time, he did not move.  He did not seem to register any emotion.  It was easier when I was having to talk, but when it was not my turn, I could not help where my gaze fell.

      I could not honestly say if Jake was angry.  His whole vibe certainly made it seem like he was upset.  Was it me?  Was it because something happened and he was forced to be in the meeting with the suits that day?  I broke eye contact long enough to take a drink of water and scan across the documents and visuals that were being shown.  When I looked back, I discovered that he had pushed his glasses to the top of his head, fanning his hair out from his face.  Jake was one of those men whose age only strengthened his features.  The depth of his gaze pierced me.  My mind drifted against my will…

      I was snuggled into his side and breathing in the sex we had just had.  He was catching his breath, eyes closed, lips parted, with a flush across his cheeks that no artist would be able to capture correctly to equate his beauty in my mind.  He turned his eyes to look at me and in the moment, I knew.  I knew all of me was for him.  He gently tucked my hair behind my ear as he ducked his chin to kiss me.  The tenderness enraptured me.  The way I felt like I was his hallowed ground was unlike anything that I had ever felt before.  If he would have asked me at that moment…

      “I see our changes were received,”  Jake remarked, his voice void of familiarity that I had half hoped for.  “Will there be any issues on the part of the venue?”

      I shook myself back to the present.  I looked at Jake like I had just broadcasted what had been only in my thoughts.  I cleared my throat and assured that the venue would be prepared and able to accommodate whatever was needed.

      The corner of Jake’s mouth twitched as the management team wrapped things up.  He turned his attention to his phone, going so far as to push himself back from the table.  Josh frowned at him, but smiled and waved as assurances were made and compliments were passed around.  The GVF team wanted to extend a get well to Billie, and I smiled with a warm ‘thank you’.

      My phone pinged and the screen lit, taking my attention away for a moment as we were saying our goodbyes.  I could see Jake’s name in the text alert.  I failed to stop the frown before looking back at the group.  He was already standing up to excuse himself.  I blew out a breath as the end screen replaced the live meeting.  I chewed my lip a bit, unsure if I really wanted to see what he had texted.  I collected everything and exited the conference room to retreat back to my office with the door closed to really look at the message.

     “Just tell me that you are happy.”

      My hands shook as I held the phone.  Every emotion possible was flooding my system in an open threat to overwhelm me.  I counted to twenty with my eyes closed.  When I opened them, I was looking at the lovely picture that was on my desktop screen of me and Frank at the Golden Gate Bridge Park.  His arm was wrapped around me, and I was holding onto him for dear life as a huge gust of wind had come up as he lifted the phone to take the picture.  I grinned at the thought - I was so afraid we were going to be knocked back into the water.  But, he had me.  He had me wrapped up and safe and made me feel every ounce of security that he could offer.

      I typed a single line in with a sniffle that I was glad Jake could not see.  “I am happy.”

CD&FE, Part 4.2: Jake’s POV

      I was at first pissed as hell to have Sam call at midnight, while I was three drinks in and dancing my girl around the kitchen while we waited for the delivery of food.  But then, to hear that his Noah was in the ER with a high temp and bad cough made me realize I was just being a shit.  I grimaced knowing that I would surely need to cut myself off and…

      “Shit,”  I grumbled as I set my empty tumbler into the sink.

      I successfully passed it off on having to sit with the suits the next day.  The angel that she is, Clara brushed it off, instantly switching her own drink to water with me and eating side by side on the island as I was buried in work in order to catch up with everything that was going to be expected of me.  I had avoided looking at the schedule until after she drifted to bed with a promise of a smile in the morning.  

      We had met in Seattle through a mutual friend.  Clara was the kind of spirit that lit the room when she entered and made it darker when she left.  She was an artist that painted what was before her and sketched what was behind.  She found beauty in the ordinary and in beauty, she could create something beyond the ordinary.  She did not tolerate my moods and I didn’t tolerate her cheerfulness in the morning.  It was a great fit.  After Duluth, and my time with Y/n, it was a few months of what could only be described as wallowing.  If we hadn’t been busy cutting the next album, I probably would have been crawling back to her home in a vain attempt to beg her to change her mind.  

      Clara was a free spirit, following the wind and her heart - no matter where it led her.  Somehow, after missed calls and fumbled attempts of meeting up, we landed together and had been side by side every day since.  She truly was a vagabond queen.  She bought into coming on the road with me with an enthusiasm that surprised me.  And the family adored her.  A year later, we were walking through shops in Rome and stumbled upon this ring that I said looked like an engagement ring fit for her.  It had surprised us both.  However, it was honest and I had meant it. 

      I had never wanted to marry.  Not really.  I didn’t think it would be fair to ask a partner of any kind to put their life on hold.  Clara certainly was not interested in getting married, but the thought of engagement was good enough for both of us.  If asked when the wedding was - the answer was simple: someday.  It was enough of a commitment for both of us.

       I looked at the schedule and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that Y/n was not listed as the contact for the graphics team for St. Paul.  In the stillness of the moment, however, my gut twisted.  There had been a time where her name would make me melt like a fangirl.  The morning I left her, I dreaded what was to come.  I knew there was love there.  I expressed it.  I felt it as she flayed it apart and returned it to me in unpalatable pieces.  I wasn’t angry.  That wasn’t it.  It was like we were the same piece of paper folded over; but instead of lining up, the crease wasn’t just right so we were just ‘off’ where we met on our edges.  It took weeks to realize it was a form of disappointment that was hard to shake and even harder to accept.

      The morning rush turned into the morning stand still as I waited in traffic to get to the offices.  I still beat Josh by half an hour, to which I reminded him that he owed me lunch since he was last to show.  We slogged through the first hurdles, knowing that we were stuck in that room for the next five hours talking about logistics.  Definitely not the sexiest part of the show, but necessary.  I had filled pages of sketched doodles as I struggled to engage with the suits, most of it going right through me, around me, above me.  Josh was being his typical self.  Sometimes I admired his ability to smile and nod his way through just about anything.  

       The graphics team was after a fifteen minute break.  I was outside, a smoke on my lip, and texting with Clara about meeting up for dinner out when Josh was already waving at me to hurry up.  I was relaxed as I made my way back inside.  I even smiled as I returned to my seat and laughed at the joke that Josh was cackling over.  

      The room quieted as the display came to life.  I took a quick sip of my water before resigning to sketching once more.  There was a pause that I did not expect.  I looked up and found myself in a spiral that I did not want to be caught in.  Y/n was in the corner of the screen, her face filled with her mix of professionalism and warmth.  Josh did not move behind me, but he knew I was totally fucked as he said his hello.  I swallowed hard.  My skin bubbled with heat as I froze.  I couldn’t look away.  It was like everything with Clara over the past fifteen months was voided out and I was back in that era of limbo. 

      “Deep Purple,”  I felt my tongue let out as I fought to breathe.

      At that, Josh did push me in the back over my own idiocy.  Regardless, she carried on, with the explanation that the original team leader, Billie whatever her last name, was ill and that for the purposes of this meeting, Y/n would just handle the presentation.  Billie would be the sole contact leading up to the show. 

      Fuck.  She was truly distancing herself from the account.  At the thought, every part of me was screaming for every part of her.  I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t divert my attention away from her being before me without a way to touch her, to convey that all the love that I had for her was just waiting to be stoked and nurtured.  I was pretty sure I was giving off full on stalker vibes, but I didn’t really care.  I couldn’t stop.  It was like my brain was soaking up every bit it could like a goddamn addict.

     “I see our changes were received,”  I said, trying to be as professional as possible while hating how cold my voice sounded to my own ears.  “Will there be any issues on the part of the venue?”

     The edge of her tone caught me off guard as she was running through the bullet points of needs that we had accumulated over the course of the last seven shows.  Apparently, our team had delayed relaying those changes, so she did not have a clear example of what it would translate to, but would get us the information as soon as possible.  

      Josh leaned forward, tapping my shoulder.  “Fucking blink, will you?”

      It was enough of a distraction to break me from my gaze at the display.  I reached for my water but hearing her laugh brought me up short.  The note of it clenched my heart with memory and my thoughts fogged over with it.

      We had been tangled up all day on the couch.  Most of that time, we were in our own little worlds that were encapsulated in our own books.  However, just to have her presence meant everything to me.  It was a glimpse into the stillness that was her.  To feel that we didn’t need to stuff all of this ‘togetherness’ within every day, or fill it with going places that would keep us from being this close?  Somehow the quiet of those hours had permeated my skin with a calm that I had desired every day since.

      She had begun to drift to sleep, her book falling against her folded up knees.  The tinge of a flush on her cheeks sent my heart to racing.  I had set my book to the side and held my arms open for her.  The wisp of a smile joined the blush.  She didn’t hesitate and curled up with me.  The feel of her weight against me, the smell of her perfume settled me.  Made me realize that though she was yanking every bit of domestication from me, I liked it.  

      I had brushed my fingers across the exposed skin of her arm over and over as she quickly surrendered to sleep.  She was fragile.  She was a brawler.  She was smart and strong as hell and yet, to be in such a vulnerable state she imbibed in the one thing that hadn’t been given over for some time - trust.  She trusted me.  How had I been the kind of man for her that she would just -

     It was over.  The graphics team were saying goodbye.  I felt my lips thin against my teeth.  I fell heavily into the back of the chair.  Josh was chatting along with the suits in his all too loud manner.  My head was splitting with too much thought.  I excused myself and drifted out of the conference room.  I looked at my phone and saw a text from Clara about reservations.  I was practically biting through my lip at the sight.  I swallowed hard as I looked around the busy offices before opening her contact to text her.

      “Just tell me you are happy.”

      It was all I could put into a single sentence without sounding like I was ready to fucking run all the way to St. Paul and throw myself at her like an idiot.  I caught Josh’s eye as I shoved my way through the door.  I needed a smoke to calm my nerves.  I had Clara.  We were committed to each other, right?  How the hell could a single 23 minute meeting with a room full of people that Y/n was not even physically present make me want to throw everything that I had built with a rather gorgeous spirit to the shit can?  It was wrong.  It was so wrong.  I needed to get my head clear and back on track.  That was all.

      I was just about to light up a second cigarette when my phone pinged.  I saw her contact picture and felt emotions stab as I struggled to push away.  Whatever her answer, it didn’t matter.  Happy. Sad.  Alone.  It was not on me.  I had goodness in my life.  I had a partner that was on the same page and actually wanted to be with me.  

      I stopped.  The phone fell to my side.  When the fuck did I start sounding so selfish?  Worse than selfish.  I knew two year olds who could be more selfless.  Being with me had nothing to do with why we couldn’t be together.  

      I took a breath in and unlocked my phone to see Y/n’s single line answer:

      “I am happy.”

      Three words.  Eight letters.  But it filled me with such a rush of emotion that gripped my internal organs and squeezed until I wanted to say ‘mercy’.  The rest of the afternoon moved slow and I moved all the slower because of it.  Josh tried to make me see the positive side of it, but I wasn’t ready to see it yet.  I made it home before Clara.  I sat down and just stared at the scratch that was on the top of the coffee table.  I allowed my heart to bleed for more than a few moments.  I felt small in the corner of the couch.  I felt like I was hollow.  I had gotten very good at filling all the spaces that Y/n had left blank when we parted.  

      I heard the garage door grind through its mechanical lift but couldn’t get myself to really move.  I had fallen too far into the hole of what could have been.  Clara banged around as she dumped her bag and kicked out of her boots and finally appeared with a huge smile that should have lit the sun.  I watched as the corners of that smile faded like a sunset before she sat down next to me.

     “Time with the suits must’ve been rough,”  she said as she threaded her hand through my own.  

      I couldn’t voice my thoughts.  The last damn thing I wanted to do was hurt her with my dumb ass not being able to slog through whatever hold Y/n still held on me.  I was chewing the inside of my lip as she turned my chin so I would look her in the eyes.  She looked across my features and it was like all her warmth, all her love for me wrapped me up in a blanket of comfort.

      “Jake,”  she whispered.  “Trust me.  Just talk to me.  Holding this in, whatever it is, does more harm than good.”

      My brows pinched as my gaze fell away from her.  “I, uh, um…  I saw someone today that I wasn’t expecting.”

      “Oh, during your meetings?”  she asked, turning her body to fully face me.

      I nodded as I fidgeted with her hand. 

     “Is this person an old girlfriend?”

      I couldn’t stop the little snort that slipped through my nose.  “I wouldn’t call her girlfriend, but she was… special to me.”

     “Jake,”  Clara said, her tone firm enough to capture my attention.  “It’s alright to talk about other women.  It would be dumb to think that I’m your first love.  Tell me about her.  What’s her name?”

     It was odd, but then again, it was Clara.  She threw one arm over the back of the couch and leaned towards me like a friend.  “Y/n,”  I finally said just to see if she would react in a negative way.

      She grinned.  “Pretty.”

      I felt disarmed.  There was no need for defenses in this conversation.  I started with how we had met and how we parted this last time - and why we parted.  It felt good to have the words cross through my mouth in such a way that wasn’t hindered or muted.  It had to have taken effort for her to listen to me work through how I had been in love.

      “I think I get why you feel this way right now,”  she said, turning so that she could lean against me.  I wrapped my arm around her, holding her close.  “It had to hurt to come to the conclusion that you were both on a path that would never really be together.”

      “Yeah,”  I whispered.  “I’m sorry, I kind of killed the mood for going out tonight.”

      “It’s all right.  I think you’re more important than a reservation,”  she said plainly.  “Can I ask you a question?”

       “Didn’t you just do that?”  I chuckled at my own joke but she just rolled her eyes.

       “If she would’ve gone with you - on the road - do you think that you would still be with her?”

       “I’m not sure how to answer that.”

      “Okay, how about this.  Would you give yourself up - your career, or at least change it so that you could have been with her as she worked on her career?”

       I couldn’t answer.  Not honestly.  Give up music?  Give up touring?  There were too many aspects to even consider.  Music was all I knew, but did that mean leaving it behind?

    “Jake,”  she whispered.  “You love me still, right?”

     “No question about it,”  I said and it was the truth.

     “But you still love her, in some way,”  Clara said across a blown out breath.  “I have a feeling you always will.  Those people don’t come around too often.”

     I watched as she stood up from the couch, asking if I wanted a drink before she started to root around in the kitchen for something to eat.  I felt lighter, but it left me to wonder if I had done damage.  Had I asked too much of her to just listen to what was fully inside?  And her question to give up music had shook me.  There were about a million ways to stay in music - even stay in the band, just slow things down.  Families were involved now.  Children.  Education on the road was one thing for them.  But what about friends?  Were we asking too much of our kids to continue this life?  Sam and Danny had no qualms working their asses off for their families, but surely there would be a point where their wives would call it time.  And the folks were fine watching the kids, but their own wanderlust was itching them into retirement.

     “I’m just going to call for delivery,”  she said, her voice full of defeat after rummaging for a while.  “Tacos?”

     I nodded, but my mind was absent.  I allowed my brain to go into the spaces that we as a band had only glazed over in conversation.  I hated it.  I hated that I couldn’t see what was going to happen and be able to plan for it.  None of us wanted to leave a path of destruction behind us just to achieve what we had set out to do - not with our loved ones at least.  We hadn’t been raised that way.  It would’ve been easy to fall into the failed relationships trap, but so far, none of us had.  We were able to move along through our careers with the support of everyone around us that we absolutely treasured.  

      I rubbed my hands across my face as she walked back into the living room with a low ball of whiskey for me.  I kissed her.  Honestly kissed her.  She was my ‘now’ and I accepted it.  I could wait to see if she was my forever.

Yeah.  Life’s a bitch right?  So much for Nordic Gods and Vagabond Queens.  I know.  I miss them too.  Just hang in there.  I promise - this will sort itself out soon.

I do have a tag list here, or you can just let me know in a reply to add you. I have had many new tumblr users sign up on the tag list - THANK YOU, however a few I cannot link to due to being empty blogs, or at least that's what I'm thinking. I've tried to search a few but turn up nothing. So - if you do not see your name on my list, but signed up on the tags, just reach out. It may be a typo.

@lvnterninthenight @doodle417 @luverleaver @jakesgrapejuice @fictional-duchess @milkgemini @positivegvfthings @songbirds-sweet @gretavanbitches @gardensgatedaisy @babyhoneygvfarchive @myownparadise96 @josh-iamyour-mama @starcatcherc @loveisonaroll @jakesstarlight @reesetrippingthelight @builtby-gvf @ignite-my-fire @wetkleenex-gvf @gold-mines-melting @starsasone @mysticalstarcatcher @montenegroisr @takenbythemadness @way-to-go-lad @cal-a-bungaa @thewritingbeforesunrise @leftjudgeempathsuitcase @brokenbells11 @imborrowedshesblue @vanfleeter

[fuckyeahaudiodrama]

✨APRIL/MAY LISTENS✨

hi i’m back, i’ve just finished my degree and do not have enough of a brain to write an in-depth of anything. but! here’s some of what i’ve been shoving in my earholes for the past month, in no particular order.

The Magnus Protocol — (season 1 ongoing) continues to blow my fucking mind. the sound design/music combo for this series is of particular note, it really just… mwah. elevates the text so much for me. i also continue to be impressed by how well this works as both a standalone series and as a delicious trail of candy for those of us who loved Archives. we’re halfway through s1 now and all i can think about is alice dyer.

Beef and Dairy Network — (ongoing @ 109 eps) a partially improvised absurdist comedy pod set in a world that is bizarrely obsessed with beef. my qpp listened to one episode and called it “distilled british humor” which feels… correct. i’ll be real, i’m actually mad at myself for not getting into this one sooner, but on the other hand having a long binge of it has been divine. i would kill to go to one of their live shows.

The White Vault — (5 seasons, 10 eps apiece) not including goshawk because i’ve barely started on that. but the main series… woah! god, i totally didn’t think this was going to be my thing but i could not put it down? the first season is definitely slower than i usually prefer but the characters kept me hooked and by season 3 the narrative completely took over my brain. i also love how well they sold the found audio format, it WORKS. gold fucking star, highly recommend.

Jackie the Ripper — (3 seasons, 5 eps apiece) put this one aside for a rainy day and binged it all at once. deeply wish there was more of it. it’s a raunchy crime drama with a downtrodden detective at the helm who i SWORE i wouldn’t root for but ended up doing so anyway. do recommend! if it sweetens the pot, the protag has the same VA as watson in the currently popular Sherlock & Co.

The Mistholme Museum — (6 seasons, soon to be complete) people have been recommending this to me for years and i just never got around to it, but on the bright side — it was an incredible binge. anthologies aren’t my strong suit but i found the framing device really strong and, crucially, it develops a meta plot that balances really well. biggest strength for me was the narrator, but i can’t explain why without spoiling some key plot developments. just trust me.

Wake of Corrosion — (4 seasons, final ongoing) very cool apocalyptic suspense/horror. i initially loved this show for the dynamic between the two leads, who are brothers trying to reconnect on a solitary camping trip when the world decides to go wonky. i ended up loving the worldbuilding as well. final episode drops very soon.

Neon Inkwell: The Pit Below Paradise — (miniseries, ongoing) this one has a bit of a western vibe and heavy religious/culty overtones, which isn’t my favorite genre. but i think each of the main characters has been developed really well thus far. + many fun cameos from members of the production team, those are really fun to try and spot :)

Twits: A Steampunk Distraction — (2 seasons, 5 eps apiece) very silly comedy of errors from the pov of a bumbling aristocrat. can’t say too much without giving the end of s1 twist away. i highly recommend it if you’re looking for some lighthearted listening. the ending credits are also very cute.

Planet Arcana — (ongoing @ 71 eps) i’m so bad at TTRPGs but this one has such a unique setting, i’m just captivated. tarot-flavored sci-fi adventure for anyone interested. i’ve made it through the first arc and the party has already experienced a crazy amount of development; stoked to see what happens next.

Selene — (ongoing) anthology about a spooky little town with a vintage vibe. single narrator, quite talented. i’m not always easily invested in anthologies but the narrator here really sells it for me, and (!) i think he writes children — both their thought processes and dialogue — very realistically. which is my grandest compliment.

Camp Here & There — (s1 complete @ 33 eps, hiatus?) i put off listening to this for a rainy day because i’d heard nothing but rave reviews and they weren’t lying. this is quite literally the ONLY pod i’ve come across that completely captures the same magic that WTNV did for me on first listen. the creator is kinda going thru it so idk if s2 is going to happen but i really hope so. even if not, s1 is very worth listening to. it’s wacky and sinister and i just love the narrator, it’s hard not to.

We’re Alive: Scout’s Honor — (8 ep miniseries, complete) imagine WA from the perspective of some awkward tweenagers. what’s not to love? the gore is really heightened by each characters’ stage of emotional development. i especially loved the conclusion but i won’t spoil it here ;)

Among the Stars and Bones — (2nd season ongoing) sci-fi drama with a solid first season, really nice narrative tie-up, but the second season was SUCH a glow-up nonetheless! + the most memorable karim kronfli performance of all time IMHO.

[olives-and-lilies]

Can I run something past the Malevolent Fandom that’s been bugging me?

I’m writing this post-Ep 27, for future reference.

I want to talk about Kayne/Kane/Cain, our resident terrifying murder man. To the point even John, fully aware of who he was as the King, is bordering on sheer fucking fight-or-flight terror at the results of Kayne’s boredom, a man who wiped out an entire city while waiting for Arthur then sat and played possibly the most painful tune he could to lure him in. A man John said looked like he had been playing, painting, with the bodies of the dead.

I haven’t seen anyone say anything about the old tales of Cain and Abel…

Kayne called The King in Yellow “Hastur”, a literal Duke of Hell. Kayne also references Lillith, both of which bring in the Abrahamic lore. Arthur has discussed his worlds take on Christianity to John, and describes it as a cult in and of its own. All of which means that Kayne might actually be Cain. The man who murdered his brother in jealousy and when God, a literal all-seeing all-knowing deity, asked where Abel was? “I do not know, I am not my brothers keeper.”

Now, Arthur has Kayne’s knife. His personal knife. If Kayne is Cain, and Arthur has the literal KNIFE OF CAIN, is no one considering that this might be worsening Arthur’s murderous desires? Don’t get me wrong, he absolutely would have murdered Mr. Larson regardless of who’s knife it was, but I don’t think he would have gone after Uncle. He would have made the actual man responsible pay, not just whoever he could get his hands on. His rage would have been the surgical focused intent we’ve been seeing, not this mindless caged animal behavior.

On the murder of Uncle, (who Arthur tells us is likely Jack, from the paperwork in the cabin where he first meets Yellow) I really don’t think he would have killed him if he didn’t have Cain’s Knife. I am seriously convinced that this is effecting him, because if he had John with him when he found out Jack is Uncle, the conversation would have looked differently. John would have reminded him of the man’s letters apologizing to his mother, of the childish scrawl. John is doing much better about being a detective and an astute observer for and with Arthur. It is only with great work and great details he has been able to work Arthur out of these fits and rages, yeah? When in the past Arthur hadn’t been near as vicious and been willing to compromise. (Yes, I do think a large part of the loss of that is due more to stress and trauma and his own constant hyper-vigilance that hasn’t been allowed to turn off for literal months, but a legit Cursed Artifact cannot be helping matters.)

Am I the only one thinking this…?

[doi-dot]

super random but—

My explanation as to why i headcannon Balloon from II to be demiromantic:

(this is for my friend rocky who doesn’t get why I view him this way and wanted me to explain)

“I think the idea of romance and finding someone special sounds, really nice but also might not be for everyone?”

That quote is said from Balloon from “BALLOON VS THE POPPER | Inanimate Answers Episode 2”, Balloon says this because someone asked the, ‘Secret Advisor’ this being Balloon, how do people instantly look at someone and have something for them; in this case, “being hot”. (NOTE: the viewer says they value romance and finding someone special in their life as their goal) Balloon answers with, “I don’t really get how they do either.”

He explains on one hand, there’s people who when it comes to romance, it just happens. While on the other hand, there’s people who don’t find romance being their thing.

Obviously, with the factor of Balloon canonically being on the aro-spectrum, this implies Balloon doesn’t feel any sort of attraction. Not unless perhaps an emotional connection?

[Demiromantic : Someone who ONLY feels any romantic attraction for another when they share a strong emotional connection or bond with them.]

Now before I move on, i just wanna quickly clarify that I’m not saying “Oh he hasn’t found the right person yet”, I don’t intend to give off that vibe so I just wanna say that =] (All i’m saying is Balloon heavily gives off that Demiromantic vibe I get—(I wonder if there’s another way I could word this 😓) especially when we saw A LOT of him in season 3.

The implication:

In Inanimate Insanity Invitational, Balloon connected with tons of other contestants but one of them standing out in particular is Nickel, as he says (along with Cheesy and Coiny) Balloon’s social game sure is strong. And so is the bond between those best friends.

When it comes to Balloon or Nickel, or Balloon and suitcase and MAYBE Balloon and Oj, analyzing their friendships would show you how strong the bond is.

For example, you could see the demonstration between Balloon and Oj in Ep. 19 of III with the picture of those two together and Oj having a thumbs up. While this doesn’t seem like a big deal, it actually is since at the beginning (Ep.1) When Balloon asked Oj why he invited him on the whole resort thingy and the tickets, Oj said he didn’t and he mentioned how if he did, the list would be very different, implying that he didn’t want to do anything with Balloon.

As for Suitcase and Balloon, suitcase was the first to know Balloon has changed and deserves a second chance from everyone, so the bond is obviously strong and the two still mention one another from time to time.

And Nickel and Balloon. I think I could go on for an hour but to summarize, their situation is a enemies to best friends trope and tbh, I can totally see them as being even more! The two were practically together at all times and when it came to supporting one another or how they are together as a power duo, IT WAS AMAZING SEEING HOW WELL IT WAS DEMONSTRATED.

From Nickel saying it’s obvious Balloon deserves to win, to Balloon having a grand understanding to Nickel’s reason for his behavior from the past, and even from early episodes like the try not the laugh challenge, it was clear Nickel was changing and befriended Balloon by the end of the episode and that demonstrates how their bond was only getting stronger from there, as well as the fact in the same episode you could tell Nickel cared more about Balloon when Balloon started getting nervous for the fact that Bow and Floory were both going to try to make Balloon laugh which put too much pressure on him, Nickel quickly notices this and makes him laugh as a way to prevent any more stress.

In conclusion, with Balloon sharing an amazing strong bond with characters like suitcase, nickel and oj, and the way Balloon acts around each of them, AND Balloon is on the aro-spectrum, gets me to think and headcannon Balloon as a demiromantic individual.

(if you wanna say anything pls lmk so I can answer and hopefully learn too so I can have a better understanding of things :D)

[inkdragon1900]

I’m rewatching TDP all the way up to S5’s release. So as I’m watching the credits for S2 ep 4 (because why would I skip them) this shows up.

I remember thinking this one was funny and a cute reference to The Great Gatsby when I first watched it. But since then I’ve read and watched Gatsby more times than I can count. Genuinely my favorite classic.

And it got me thinking. Why??? Why would they specifically reference this?

We all know they’ll throw in stuff in the credits we get to see or understand in the future (Ethari, Queen Aditi, etc)

So why this?

Time to combine two of my hyperfixations.

Most of this will be in reference to the 2013 adaptation of The Great Gatsby directed by Baz Luhrmann since that’s where the scene of Gatsby toasting in front of the fireworks comes from.

So how does Gatsby’s story work with Aaravos’s?

Well after mulling it over I can actually think of quite a few.

So in S2 episode 4 we get basically our first actual introduction to Aaravos sure he’s got no actual dialogue yet and we did see a flash of him in the episode prior. But this is narratively our first actual introduction.

Now interesting enough we as viewers find out we have seen him before. Multiple times with the intro we see his hands, and in the first episodes backstory we see him in the background and he’s the narrator.

So if it’s not necessarily our first introduction to Aaravos then who’s is it?

Viren.

Viren I’m going to insert in Nicks role in TGG just cause it makes sense narratively.

Now in TGG this scene:

Happens directly during Nick’s first actual interaction with Gatsby.

Now it should be mentioned this is not the first time they’ve seen each other. In fact it’s stated that Nick was being watched by his neighbor Gatsby for…idk a while.

And like Nick knew it he’d catch a glimpse of his hand in the window from time to time he just didn’t know it was Gatsby.

But anyway once again this fits with the fact we know Aaravos has been watching Viren from the other side probably the entire time.

So!!! Why does this matter.

Because in TGG no one knows shit about Gatsby. The mother fucker is elusive.

Literally at the party Nick is trying to track him down to thank him and LITERALLY no one knows what he looks like they just showed up to the party. Nick is literally the only person to have been invited because Gatsby just thought he’d show up like the rest of New York.

So while Nicks looking for Gatsby we get introduced to the most WILD theories about this man.

So anyway after getting shitface Nick and this woman Jordan (who’s a friend of his cousin Daisy) jokingly go exploring the house “looking” for Gatsby. (They’re not they’re just drunk af and having fun)

Anyways while exploring they end up in the mansion’s library. As they’re goofing around this older guy browsing the stacks starts telling them that they won’t find him and how the house and everything in it is an elaborate facade. (He’s right of course) so Jordan says she’s met him. And the guy asks them which version? The prince? The spy? The murderer? And goes on to say that he can’t find anyone who knows anything real about Mr. Gatsby.

And like if that’s not true for Aaravos, I don’t know what is.

Because all we know about Aaravos narratively has been told to us. We haven’t seen anything. Not really.

So who is he really?

Plus Gatsby’s main flaw is his attachment to the past his absolute refusal to move on.

And idk Aaravos more or less can’t actually move on since he’s imprisoned. But even narratively he stuck mentally where he was before imprisonment.

And that’s just another one of the many parallels I can draw.

Hell we don’t even get Gatsby’s backstory until the end of the movie pretty much and we barely know anything about Aaravos and we’re already headed into season 5.

Anyways I have a ton more thoughts on the comparison to Aaravos and Gatsby. I don’t want to spoil the ending of TGG for anyone who hasn’t read/watched it. GO READ OR WATCH IT. So I might eventually make a separate post.

Oh one other thing. The new money vs old money narrative in TGG could easily be reworked to fit Human’s learning magic (dark magic or not) and being born into an arcanum. And like Gatsby is new money which fits with Aaravos managing to connect to all the arcanum’s

[simslegacy5083]

NSB (Straud Legacy) Gen 9 Ep 81: Settling Differences

Luigi’s excitement about his new relationship hadn’t made him forgot his vow to make amends to sims hurt by his previous reckless behavior.

The first sim he wanted to mend fences with was his co-captain. Since being paired up to lead the E-Sports team they’d hung out a few times to talk strategy and Luigi had come to appreciate that Beau was a fantastic judge of character who hid a kind spirit behind his spiky demeaner.

Thanks to Peppino’s curious generosity, he would have an excellent opportunity to chat when he handed over the fertility clinic refund.

Any chance that Luigi might catch Beau before practice was cut off when a second pregnant teammate intercepted him on his approach.

Jade’s obvious excitement when he arrived had him frantically calculating, wondering if her “condition” could possibly be a result of their one-night stand. He set those odds at impossible just as she opened:

“Looo-eeegeee! Look! Brice and I are expecting a new little gamer!” With a much friendlier demeanor than when they’d last parted ways she continued more quietly. “Hey, I’m sorry about last time we talked man. I wasn’t in a great place, but this little pea…” she stroked her belly lovingly. “Really brought Brice’n me together y’know? Really put what matters into perspective. I’m glad you and me didn’t get entangled in anything complicated.”

Luigi expressed happiness for her, certainly overjoyed that Jade’s baby had helped focus her back on her own family, and off giving him trouble.

Luigi escaped Jade’s enthusiasm and began what turned out to be a fantastic practice session, finally finding a chance to chat with Beau at the end.

His teammate offered a small “go ahead then” gesture when Luigi asked to speak to him. Leading them to a quiet corner of the large open multipurpose workspace he presented Beau with Peppino’s gift, smiling as his eyes went wide with surprise when he realized what was inside.

When Luigi saw Beau’s shock turn into embarrassed anger instead of happy acceptance he started talking fast, pouring out a hasty explanation of the idealistic nature of wealthy ancient mages. Beau’s attitude mellowed: “Hmm, well of course your highness would find this kind of thing natural.”

He stowed the simoleons away safely and added “Thank your old family friend for everything, on behalf of me, Brianne, and our tiny tot to be.”

Glad to have delivered the gift, even if the exchange was unexpectedly tense, Luigi skated past the topic of his “suspiciously lucky” family line, as Papa Jack had advised him time and again. Instead, he took a deep breath and launched directly into his planned attempt at deepening their relationship.

“Beau, I know we got started off on the wrong foot, but since we’ve been “stuck together” as co-captains I’ve truly come to think of you as a friend.”

“So, I just want to put out there, again, that I’m really sorry about hurting your arm that night at the club. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but that doesn’t excuse how I acted. I wish I could undo the past, but more usefully, I want to show you that our future is going to be better.”

He wasn’t sure how Beau would react and was immensely relieved by the comfortable smile that broke out over his friend’s face. “Don’t be so full of yourself. If I hadn’t had a Mt. Komorebi sized chip on my shoulder, our Spooky Day fight wouldn’t have happened, but then I wouldn’t have met my wife. So, screw your wish to undo our past! If I had to, I’d fight you all over again to keep it!”

A relieved Luigi wished Beau a good evening, but his friend brought him up short with a sassy: “And where do you think you’re going!?”

Seeing the twinkle in the other sims eye Luigi fired back “I was heading home before I have to watch you drop that baby right here in the commons!”

Beau countered “You won Spooky Day fisticuffs, and I just demolished you in our first Scuffle of the season. “No-one’s leaving or getting born until we settle this with a tie breaker!” So, I’m thinking… Ping Pong is just physical enough to give you a sporting chance despite your raging lack of skill.”

 “If you really want your unborn child to witness your hopeless loss, I am happy to oblige” Luigi replied, following him downstairs to get started.

View The Full Story of My Not So Berry Challenge Here

[delyth88]

My thoughts on Loki - Season 2, Ep. 1

If the only Loki I’m going to get is Loki in the TVA, then this has to be the best way to do it.

--- Obviously there are going to be spoilers below. ---

He’s close enough to acting in character in the episode that I can make that mental leap and more or less ignore the bits that were a little off. (And by in character I mean a mix of what we saw in the early phases, and how I imagine he would react in such a situation.  Maybe he’s a little more panicked and open with Mobius than earlier Loki might have been, but I can put that down to him feeling like he can trust Mobius and that he doesn’t have to put up a front with him, and also feeling completely out of his depth (and in pain!) having just come from the end of time and immediately having to face this time slipping thing.)

And that is already more than I’d been steeling myself for in this season!  So yay!

Having said that, at this point I’m going to take this as an anomaly, because we haven’t yet seen him interacting with anyone at anything less than 100%, and it’s the downtime where he slips into cringe territory for me in season 1.  And we haven’t seen him really interacting with Sylvie again yet.  So I’m going to reserve my judgement until we get to see what happens after this immediate crisis has been averted.

Also, I am absolutely here for desperate!Loki trying to make people believe him. *chef’s kiss*

This episode had the drive and tension and mystery that I love in the best fics and films.  In a way Season 1 was the set up that allowed us to go straight to the best bits, so I guess I have to give it that at least. 😉

I loved that the reason that Mobius didn’t know Loki in the scene at the end of Season 1 was that it was an earlier version of the TVA!  That was brilliant!  I completely didn’t think about that as an option, and I love how it opens up all sort of nasty(ier!) possibilities about the past of the TVA. I’m keen to see where that goes. The way it was revealed through the cracked floor and how that highlighted that Mobius and Casey really should remember Loki was great.  And I love how it ties back to the question Loki ask Mobius in the first season “how long have you been here?”.

One thing I found interesting is that so much of the promo footage was taken from this first episode.  So I feel a little less certain about what the rest of the season is bringing now.  That of course is assuming that Loki’s time slipping problem was actually resolved as it appears to be. I know there were other shots in the promo scenes with the spaghettification happening, so I’m not 100% convinced that Loki is entirely safe. And if he is, it sure seems like someone else isn’t!

Or everybody….?

But then again I’m assuming OB is here partly as a way to get around the rules set down in season 1 about how the TVA works.  And the disintegration of the timeline could also mean things that weren’t possible before become possible now.  So perhaps even if Loki’s problem is fixed they’re able to create something that allows them to travel in time with in the TVA.  Lol I really should know how fruitless it is to speculate on what they’ll do, but I can’t help it!  XD

I also like the way the music, the slightly distorted images, and the slow motion contributed to the feeling of everything being off.  I definitely like the tone of this episode better than Season 1, and I hope they continue in this vein.  Even the bit where they could have played up his incompetence for laughs – when Loki struggles out of the back of the car in front of everyone – I felt was toned down, and while an amusing reaction, not particularly degrading or brainless. In fact I didn’t feel I needed to look away to avoid the second hand embarrassment at any point during the episode lol.

I actually found myself more engaged than I expected.  I had wondered if I’d only be mildly interested, but no. There were a couple of moments where I was on the edge of my seat, so I consider that a win.  I mean I understand that interested and not too cringey isn’t exactly a high bar, but it’s not one I was sure would be met.

So yeah, I’m about as happy as I can be about how this season is starting off, and I’m looking forward to seeing next week’s episode.   And all your thoughts too!

Tagging a few folk below:

@sparklegemstone @scintillatingshortgirl19 @iamanartichoke @pinkpondofasgard @projectprotectloki @ladyofthestayingpower

[sb25p]

Warning: THE LAST OF US SPOILERS: EPISODE 5!!! IF YOU HAVE NOT WATCHED EP 5, PLEASE SCROLL PAST!!!!!

Also this an essay!! 🥴 tbh I write these more for myself than anything else…my Tumblr is my mf journal.

I normally don’t like to write posts that involve spoilers for current series/movies etc but TLOU episode 5 affected me in such a powerful way, I feel like I just need to vent it for a min.

Can we talk about the final scene? How hopeful Ellie is when she wakes up only to find out Sam has unfortunately become infected. Sam then attacking Ellie for Joel and Henry to realise what’s happening and Henry to raise the gun to Joel.

The actor, Lamar Johnson, absolutely killed that role (no pun intended…too soon?)

Like we see his face go from confused to protective yet terrified, shocked, panicked, regretful, devastated, remorseful, angry and numb.

I could go on and on about the diversity of emotions that Lamar portrayed in that moment to capture the reaction of Henry losing Sam. The one person he loves more than anything and has sacrificed everything for only to lose at what he believes to be his own hands but as we know is due to being infected.

It was never Henry’s fault. Henry didn’t kill Sam. Sam was already dead. The infection took him. Henry actually saved Ellie from being harmed by Sam. He’s still a hero regardless of what he’s done. He continued to protect others but without Sam, what is his purpose? Sam to Henry is purpose. He always has been. Now that Sam is gone, Henry doesn’t feel any purpose and ultimately that causes him to take his own life without any hesitation.

Then we have the other parallel of Pedro Pascal in that situation playing the role of Joel Miller.

We see Joel (not for the first time) jumping in ultimately to protect Ellie. He’s terrified. He’s seeing her at risk and scared and she’s calling out to him in that moment for help.

Joel talks earlier to Henry about being relied on. He says that it’s easier for kids because no one is relying on them but that’s not really true is it? Because although Sam relied on Henry for protection, Henry relied on Sam for purpose. He loved him. He lived for him because he had Sam by his side.

What really got me in that moment after Henry shoots Sam, is Joel. The way his face turns into a realisation. An understanding.

It doesn’t happen right away.

I feel if you watch Joel’s face just after Sam dies, he’s asking for the gun because he’s afraid Henry will turn on the both of them, pin a blame on them maybe that Sam got infected because of them but when Henry says “what did I do?” You can see that Joel’s face falls. He goes from appearing assertive and protective of Ellie to becoming understanding and gentle towards Henry.

I think that is because Joel recognises that feeling all too well. It’s not hard to think that Joel would have had a time after Sarah’s death where he must have thought that life wasn’t worth living anymore. That his purpose in life has been ripped from him so abruptly and if his sole purpose now is merely to survive, what kind of life does he have anyway?

It’s why I always saw Joel to be one of the strongest characters in the whole of the TLOU universe. He was a father to an only child who was taken from him during the time the world was falling apart anyway. Not only was his own beautiful little world ended in that split second, the one he shared with his daughter, the whole planet was being ripped apart.

What motivated him to keep on living? We could say Tommy but a parents love like Joel’s is so incredibly powerful. Even my own parents once said to me (and I’m one of four children) that if I ever took my own life, they couldn’t go on themselves without me. The true love of a parent is absolutely infinitely one of the most powerful things in this world. Pedro absolutely portrayed that emotion in the moment when he’s trying to talk Henry down. It’s like he’s mentally saying “look at me, I understand, PLEASE, I understand”. Joel knows they’re not at risk to Henry at that moment, Henry is at risk to himself.

Not only that but Joel asks Ellie if she’s okay shortly after Sam dies and even tries to go to her but is stopped by Henry raising the gun to him.

We see Joel becoming softer and more of a father figure to Ellie in this situation. His usual hardened expression drops when he has just witnessed a serious threat to Ellie’s life. He can see the distress in her. He’s just watched her bond with a child over a period of time that she clearly felt very strongly for very quickly. He also has strong feelings about Ellie watching others die due to the discussion he has with her when she shoots the man in the previous episode to protect Joel.

“You’re just a kid. You shouldn’t know what it means to…” to kill someone he means.

He doesn’t want her to witness this world. He wants to protect her from it and we’re seeing so much more of that in these newer episodes. The paternal feelings he’s developing for her are slowly but surely finding their way out into the open.

And finally the note that Ellie leaves on Sam’s grave.

“I’m sorry.”

We see Joel realising when he reads this, that this young girl feels a lot more than she’s giving out. That Joel is starting to come to terms with how much of a weight is sitting on Ellie’s shoulders by being treat like a possible cure. That the thought of her feeling as though it’s her fault that she couldn’t save Sam from infection, ultimately has Joel feeling even more responsible for ensuring she doesn’t feel that way and that she understands how important she is in herself rather than to the rest of the crumbling world.

I really look forward to seeing how their relationship develops. Particularly, how Joel’s feelings develop further towards Ellie. I also look forward to seeing more vulnerability from Ellie. Joel walks around with this hardened expression but Ellie doesn’t need to do anything like that. We know from how she admits to Sam that she fears being left alone, that she has a lot of emotion she is holding back. She needs that someone to be vulnerable with and I can’t wait for her to let it all go for Joel.

[ranchthoughts]

Tinn’s worst memory being messing up the lyrics in a school singing test as a kid and getting teased became a much more consistent plot thread then I expected.

We first learn about that bad experience in ep 4, as Gun and Tinn both shared things from their pasts. But Tinn sings on stage in front of lots of people to help Gun in ep 2, and then also sings a song for Gun in ep 9, so I assumed that was just sort of a side anecdote and character beat that was getting hand waved because Thailand loves making their boys sing.

But then it comes up again in ep 11, as Tinn’s mom (dealing with the idea that her son is growing up and has a life she doesn’t know about/that he didn’t share with her) goes through his baby book and sees a photo of him crying in her lap, and we learn that photo was taken the time she had a conference and had to go away for a week and Tinn was really upset and then messed up his singing test and got teased really badly. It's a significant enough memory to Tinn and his family that they all remember it.

And later in ep 11, Tinn’s mom goes to Gun's mom's cafe and talks to Gun and learns a bit more about this boy that clearly her son has a closer connection to then she realized (and probably a romantic one, if the cute profile pic and heart in his contact name she spotted is anything to go by). And she mentions that no one in her family is very musical or sings, not like Gun, and Gun says "but your son has a lovely voice" and tells her about the times Tinn has sung for him, specifically the time he got up on stage in the bar to help Gun finish a set after his voice was exhausted.

And Tinn's mom realizes that there's even more about her son she doesn't know. That he sang, that he sang for Gun, that Gun has heard her son sing and she hasn't, that her son overcame this childhood trauma and she didn't even know. And music becomes another thing that Tinn has hidden/hasn't told her about/she didn't know, like his sexuality and budding relationship with Gun. The singing thing is just another nail in the coffin of things she doesn't know about him. 

The school singing test isn’t just significant for Tinn though. We learn in ep 5 that Gun’s worst childhood moment was ALSO related to that singing test. Gun aced the test and was so excited to tell his dad (a guy who loved music and dreamed of being a musician but never made it happen) but before he could tell his dad, he got a call saying he had been killed in a car accident.

Obviously, the whole show is about music - MSP is about Tinn trying to help keep the music club afloat, and about Chinzilla trying to win Hot Wave, and about how Tinn and Gun can’t date because the club forbids dating until after Hot Wave. The show revolves around music, and most obviously Gun’s connection to music. But that thread of Tinn’s bad experience with the song test persists through the show too, and through it, Tinn’s connection to music. The show isn’t just about Gun and the Chinzillas and music, it’s about Tinn and music too.

Tinn fell for Gun in the first place because when he was alone on his birthday Gun was nice to him and sang a song that seemed very directed at cheering him up. Tinn’s dad has a guitar he keeps secret from his wife because it is expensive and she wouldn’t approve, and it’s this guitar that Tinn procures for Gun when the music club loses their instruments. Tinn steps in and sings for Gun when his voice starts giving out at the end of a long set at the bar. Tinn writes a song, with the help of his father, to sing for Gun when he is stumped writing for Hot Wave. At prom, Tinn knows the words to the song Gun serenades him with and sings along.

Music, and specifically Tinn’s singing, is connected to the two most important/significant relationships he has in the show: his relationship with Gun, and his relationship with his mother (and the show is about both). Tinn "hiding" his singing from his mom, or rather, it being a part of his life that she isn't really privy to, and Tinn "hiding" (in a much more classic sense) his relationship with Gun and his relationship with the music club and all he is doing for them from his mother (and from the music club themselves). Music and Gun are things Tinn hides or doesn't share, even with a mom he adores, spends a lot of time with, and usually tells everything to, and music is so closely tied to his relationship with Gun...