#do you like that it says python is dead

[fated-normal-767]

Also !! Zephyrus full name yay !!

Does this canonize an answer to the philosophical quandary of Python’s livelihood ? Probably not . Zephyrus’s parents are still alive ? Basil has grand parents ? And she didn’t kill them ??

I don’t think they’d live in the same country to be killed . Nor do I think basil knows they’re alive. Zephyrus knows they’re alive and absolutely dreads that someday they’ll show up out of the blue to say he’s running a shite business and needs to do better.

[iamumbra195]

School Bus Graveyard incorrect quotes because I'm bored

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Taylor: Look how creepy it is looking down this hallway.

Ashlyn: I'm gonna get vertigo.

Aiden: I'm a Virgo!

Tyler, deadpan: No, you're a virgin.

...

Aiden: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Tyler: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Aiden: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING ASHLYN WITH ME

Logan, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

...

Taylor: Why is Tyler so upset?

Logan: He took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Taylor: And...?

Logan: He got Aiden.

...

Ashlyn: What did you do with the phantom's body?

Aiden: What didn’t I do with the body?

Everyone:

Aiden: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the phantom respectfully.

...

Aiden: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Logan: Aiden, no.

Ben, with text to speech: Mistlefoe.

Logan: Please stop encouraging him.

...

Taylor: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Tyler: You’re a hazard to society

Aiden: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

...

Emma, trying to be nice to Ashlyn's new friends: Would you like to stay for dinner?

Mike, excited for his daughter: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?

...

Logan: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Ben: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Aiden: Smad.

...

Ashlyn: Why are you on the floor?

Aiden: I'm depressed.

Aiden: Also I was stabbed, can you get Ben, please.

...

Taylor: Aiden and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us

Ashlyn, sighing: What did he do?

Taylor: he chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...

Aiden: Who wants a steering wheel?

...

Aiden: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Logan: How am I supposed to know?

Tyler: You say that as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.

Logan: ...You wouldn't be trapped.

...

Ashlyn: Tyler, keep an eye on Aiden today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Tyler: Sure, I’d love to see him get punched.

Ashlyn: Try again.

Tyler, sighing: I will stop Aiden from getting punched.

...

Aiden, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Tyler: You did WHAT–

Ben: William Snakespeare

...

Ashlyn: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Taylor: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Ashlyn: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Aiden: edible

...

Taylor, whispering to Aiden, who’s on the phone with Ashlyn: Ask her something!

Aiden: How are you feeling?

Ashlyn: Fine.

Taylor: Something personal!

Aiden: At what age did you start hearing voices?

...

Aiden: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited

Logan: If?

Tyler: Great, the only party I’d actually go to and he might not even die.

...

Logan: We need a distraction.

Ashlyn: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Aiden, whispering: My time has come

...

Tyler: Where are you going?

Taylor: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there

Tyler: I'll come with

...

Mike, buying a whole bag of knives, guns and other weapons like he's going to war on a random Tuesday: I can explain

Jacob (shop owner): Can you?

Mike: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

...

Taylor: Heads up, if you try to make a candle with food colouring, it will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food colouring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food colouring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter.

Tyler, sighing: What did you do?

Taylor, wailing: A MISTAKE

...

Mr. Thomas: What are your goals?

Ashlyn: To pet all the dogs.

Mr. Thomas: No, I meant your goals for this trip.

Ashlyn: To pet all the dogs in Savannah.

...

Logan: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming?

Ashlyn: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak?

...

Taylor: Aiden isn’t answering his phone

Ashlyn: I’ll call

Taylor: Ben and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-

Aiden: Hello?

...

Aiden: I was arrested for being too cool.

Tyler: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

...

Aiden: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much

Taylor: You’ve been to jail?

Aiden: Once. In Monopoly.

...

Mike: You love me, right?

Emma: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

...

Aiden: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Ashlyn: Okay

Aiden: And make out during the scary parts.

Ashlyn: The-

Ashlyn: The scary parts?

Ashlyn: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

...

Ashlyn: How petty can you get?

Tyler: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Taylor: I KNEW IT-

...

Aiden: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Logan: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

...

Mike: So what’s for dinner?

Emma, staring at the food she just burnt: Regret.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

That's all for today!

[yvain]

Megan Fox in knitted leg warmers and short-shorts, a puffy coat and red fishnets, a color guard uniform, an Evil Dead raglan tee and star-spangled underwear, a cropped hoodie and low-rise jeans, an Edwardian prom dress with long white opera gloves. A wet strand of hair drawn through her mouth. Swimming naked in a lake glassy with twilight. Blackening the tip of her tongue with a lighter. In hunger, wan and beautiful as a consumptive heroine. Levitating. Snarling. Doe eyes, full and glossed lips. Dropping onto a car like a wild cat. Projectile vomiting an unctuous, inky liquid onto her best friend. Teeth like a nurse shark. A distended, disarticulated jaw like a python. Jennifer’s body on a sacrificial altar, sobbing. Jennifer’s body moving eerily from a great distance; then too close, and from the wrong angle. Jennifer pulling a rod out of her shish-kebabbed torso, saying, through a mouth of blood, “Do you have a tampon?” Jennifer’s body underlining the politics of Jennifer’s Body; a sex symbol through a funhouse mirror. (The film’s execs thought she’d be a draw for teenage boys, but teenage boys hated it. They didn’t know they were coming to be eaten. Not like that.)

Carmen Maria Machado, “Both Ways,” in It Came from the Closet: Queer Reflections on Horror (ed. Joe Vallese)

[darknight3904]

All Too Well

Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and Joel get revenge for your beloved pet cat.

Warnings: Violence, guns, death, non-described torture, mentions of scars, pet death, language.

Word Count: 2.1k

Previous Part / Series Masterlist / Main Masterlist

May 2024 

The pistol that was tucked into Red Laces’ pocket comes free easily. Joel turns to his right and shoots the one with bad breath first. He stands up, straightening to his full height, ready to kill Oliver but Brett has gotten there first. 

His companion has straddled Louis’ killer and his currently beating him bloody. Joel leaves him to it and sets his sights on the other two remaining men. One of them is fumbling with his gun which appears to be jammed. The other has begun to flee the camp, he must know he’s fucked. Joel fires before the gun can be unjammed and then turns to shoot the running one down. It’s easy, pulling the trigger and watching a man fall into the dirt, covered in his own blood. 

Joel could hear the leader cursing from that tent he’d disappeared into, surely he knew that his men were dead. He approaches the tent, his boots sinking into the mud as he goes.

“Stay the fuck back!” The man snarls. 

If he were smart, he’d have a gun pointed at the tent flap, that's what Joel would do if he were him. Of course, Joel would never let his men die like dogs while he hid in a tent. What a fucking-

“Joel!” 

Joel barely gets the chance to turn around before you’re slamming into him nearly knocking him off his feet like you’re some professional linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys. Your Python is dropping to the ground with a thump as your arms wrap around his torso. 

“You alright?” You bury your face into his shirt and mumble into his chest. 

“Been better.” He motions to his still-bleeding shoulder, “Where the hell did you run off to this morning?” 

You untangle yourself from him and fix your focus on his gunshot. Ignoring his question, your hands push his jacket off his shoulder and stare at the wounded flesh. It’s not bleeding so bad anymore, hurts like a bitch but the blood has trickled off into a thin stream.  

“We should get you back to Jackson. Dr. Hill can fix you up.” 

You take a step towards the tent and Joel catches you by the arm. 

“Sweetheart, there’s somethin’ you need to know.” Joel starts, “That man you mentioned he’s…” 

“He’s in the tent, Joel.” You say looking at the halfway unzipped flap, “That missing teeth, cat-killing motherfucker is going to die. Let me go.” 

You must’ve been hiding somewhere, watching this camp, no wonder he’d conveniently been saved when Laces tried killing him. You rip your arm out of Joel’s hand and take another step to the tent. 

“Alright, Alright,” Joel says, looking at Brett who has dragged an unconscious Oliver over, “Let us bring him out here.” 

You watch as Joel and Brett disappear into the tent, the sound of a punch being delivered followed by a couple of grunts fills the air and before you know it, they’re back, dragging The Walrus out by his arms towards you. Joel tosses a hunting knife at your feet before he and Brett drop The Walrus face-first into the ground. 

“Didn’t even have a gun. Guess he thought his men would do all the killing for him.” 

It seems that The Walrus has gotten lazy, years ago when you were the one tied to a tree he always had a gun tucked into a holster on his side. He’s gotten complacent, this good-for-nothing sack of shit was seriously expecting his little group of 20-somethings would be able to protect him from you and your wrath. 

You watch as he pulls himself up, sitting back on his knees it dawns on you that you don’t know this man’s name. He was responsible for the many scars that crisscrossed your back and sides, he haunted you in your dreams and you didn’t even know his fucking name. 

“Listen. I can pay you. I got another man who will be back in a few days. There’s this settlement a few miles north, you three can have your pick of the supplies, food, women, whatever you want. Just let me live.” 

He can’t be serious, trying to weasel his way out of death like this. Did he not recognize you? You’d know his face anywhere, even now covered in mud and a shaggier beard, you knew it was him. 

You glance over at Brett whose eyes are fixed on that beaten bloody body he’d dragged over. You realize Louis is missing and come to the conclusion that Brett was staring at his friend’s now-deceased killer. Joel gives you a pointed look, his pistol is shoved into the back of The Walrus’ head, all it would take is one pull of the trigger and he’d be dead.

“You said you have another man?” You say, your voice devoid of any emotion 

“Yes. He’s out scouting a community. We’re going down to Kansas and getting the rest of my men, then we’re taking it. Come with me, I’ll pay you all well.” 

You scoff at this, a small laugh escapes your lips, what the fuck was wrong with this man. You knew he was a psychopath but seriously actually asking you to work with him? One of his men had killed Louis, another was about to shoot Joel, and for crying out loud he had four people tied up just 4 yards away. He must be delusional if he thought you, Joel, and Brett would want to work with him. 

“What’s so funny, bitch?” 

Joel smacks him in the back of the head with the butt on his gun, “Watch your fucking mouth.” 

“Or what? Is she gonna order you to shoot me? That how you live your life? Dickless, commanded by some whore with big tits?”  

You watch as Joel grabs The Walrus by a fistful of his greasy hair before slamming him into the ground so hard you’re pretty sure you heard the crunch of bone. Joel’s voice is deadly as he speaks directly into your captor's ear. 

“You’ll hold your tongue around my woman or when she tells me to shoot ya’, I’ll make sure you’ll go out real slow.” 

Joel hauls The Walrus back up into his previous position on his knees. 

“S’ that we did to Adam isn’t it, sweetheart?” 

The Walrus’ eyes flick to yours, trying to discern if Joel is lying. You nod suddenly feeling a bit small. Joel was good at this, intimidation. The man kneeling in front of you doesn’t give a shit what you do, it’s Joel he’s worried about.

“We got your second in command. See, in Jackson, we ain’t stupid the way you think we are. Caught him and that girl he was with right away.” 

“You’re full of shit.” The Walrus says in disbelief that he’s truly alone, his allies thousands of miles away in Kansas. 

Joel shakes his head, “You see, I wanted to draw it out some more, got some good hits in, even ran a knife across his skin. That sound familiar to you? Well, Adam, he cried a lot, pissed himself too, begging for his life in the dirt, “Joel raises his free hand, the one that's not holding his gun, and taps The Walrus on the forehead three times, “She put a bullet in his head with the same gun that's sitting there at her hip now.”

“Fuck you, man. You didn’t know him, he was a good guy.” The Walrus fires back 

“See that’s where you’re wrong. Good men don’t rape women.” Joel says, “Another thing a good man doesn’t do is feed em’ their pets for fun.” 

The Walrus’ eyes flick to yours, and a beat of recognition flashes. Now, he knows who you are. 

“That was years ago…I shouldn’t have…” 

You feel your voice returning, you want to speak to this man to listen to him grovel. 

“But you did.” You say softly, “You made my only friend in the whole world into bowls of soup and a bag of jerky.” 

The Walrus shakes his head like he doesn’t quite believe he did that. 

“And then, whenever we were alone you cut me up for fun, just like my cat.” Your hands shake a bit as you push your long-sleeved shirt up off your right arm to the elbow. You point to the long scars that are nestled into your skin forever, “Remember these?” 

“I-I’m sorry…” He says plainly, staring down at your arm

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it.” Joel snarls 

Joel motions for Brett to take his gun before he takes a step to his left, scooping up a big roll of duct tape that’d been sitting on top of an open bag of one of the men. He walks to you and turns your focus to him, 

“I’ll kill him for ya, sweetheart.” Joel, “Let me question him first though, Jackson needs to know about these men he's got down in Kansas.” 

You nod and feel hot tears fill your waterline. Why were you crying? You should be jumping for joy that Joel was going to put him down. Joel takes a step back and tells Brett to tape The Walrus up and drag him off to another tree where he’ll meet his end. A warm hand comes up and Joel brushes a stray tear off your face and presses a warm kiss to your forehead before moving towards where Brett is dragging your tormenter off to. 

“Joel?” 

“Hm?” 

“Make it hurt, okay?” 

The screams go on for what seems like hours. You’ve tucked yourself away under the shade of a tree that's bigger than the rest. The four captives, sit a few feet away from you. You’d cut them all loose and let them devour the bits of food the men had stashed away in their bags. Now, they sit and listen to The Walrus beg for his life as Joel works his magic. You still don’t know his name but you don’t want to know it anyway. 

Brett came back about twenty minutes ago and offered you a sandwich from his bag before plunking down beside you. You don’t know him well but you can tell he’s freaked out whether it was Joel or whatever had happened to Louis you knew Brett was scared. 

“How long do you think it’s going to go on?” He asks quietly 

Hopefully forever. 

“I dunno.” 

Another twenty minutes go by before Joel returns. He’s wiping at the blade of the knife he had initially tossed onto the ground for you to pick up.

“Let’s get goin’. We’ll send some people out to pick this stuff over later.” 

Joel reaches down and offers you his hand, you take it and he pulls you to his feet with a grunt. 

“I want to bury Louis,” Brett says as you leave the raider's camp behind 

Doubled up on the horses Joel leads you and the newcomers back to where Louis’ dead body lies, an arrow in his face. Brett rigs something up to drag the body back to Jackson and you’re on your way again. 

You press your cheek against Joel’s back and let your eyes flutter shut. Joel had insisted that you ride with him, giving Pepper’s reins to the mother and daughter you had freed. They’re a few feet behind you, the woman struggling a bit to keep Pepper walking straight. 

By the time you reach the gates of Jackson, it’s late at night. The gates groan as they open and you let a woman named Joan take the horses and charge of the newcomers. You lead Joel off to the clinic and sit by his side while Dr. Hill works her magic on Joel’s shoulder. 

You rest your head on Joel’s good shoulder, listening to the way his breath hitches a bit when the bullet finally comes out. It has to hurt yet he makes no move to cry out, always acting so tough. 

A few stitches and clean gauze later, Joel is pulling what's left of his t-shirt back on while you try to focus on anything but the skin he’s got exposed to your greedy eyes. Shame on you for thinking like that right now. He’d just been shot and you were thinking about how his chest hair had started to gray.

“Can I stay at yours?” 

Fuck, you hadn’t meant to blurt that out, god you were pathetic, not even wanting to sleep in your own home. You were 44 years old, not some toddler who needed coddling! 

Joel lets out a warm hum, slipping his old tan coat under his arm for safekeeping, 

“Course ya’ can sweetheart.” 

Next Part

...And now we can commence the romance. Joel can you and Sweetheart just kiss already, gosh!!?

How I felt last night when Tiktok wouldn't work:

Comment to be added to the tag list. This tag list is not chapter by chapter, I carry the tags over to each part.

Tags:

@lunaticgurly  @orcasoul  @snowlycanroc  @freythecrazyfae

@person-005 @greenwitchfromthewoods

@elli3williams @yawnzzzzzzzz @am-3-thyst  @concrete-jungleeee

@cherrypieyourface  @kanyewestest @bambisweethearts

@sarahhxx03 @loveisacowboyyy @amyispxnk @lou-la-lou @dancinglotusbud @superblyspeedydragon @heartpatch

[starwrittenresources]

✨— 𝐌𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐘 𝐏𝐘𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐍 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐋𝐘 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐋 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 ✨

quotes from the 1975 Monty Python and the Holy Grail film. feel free to switch around pronouns, diction, and the like to make them more suitable for your muse.

❝ Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony. ❞

❝ Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. ❞

❝ What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ❞

❝ What makes you think she's a witch? ❞

❝ 'Tis but a scratch! ❞

❝ I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! ❞

❝ Oh, stop bitching and let’s go have tea. ❞

❝ Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! ❞

❝ You stay in the room and make sure he doesn’t leave. ❞

❝ You’re not going to do a song while I’m here. ❞

❝ What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! ❞

❝ Guards, make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.❞

❝ Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. ❞

❝ We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. ❞

❝ It's just a flesh wound. ❞

❝ Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? ❞

❝ In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right? ❞

❝ Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?❞

❝ Come and see the violence inherent in the system. Help! Help! I'm being repressed! ❞

❝ Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. ❞

❝ Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer! ❞

❝ We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni. ❞

❝ It's only a model! ❞

❝ Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. ❞

❝ Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he will be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see. ❞

❝ On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. ❞

❝ Bring out yer dead. ❞

❝ I'm not dead. I'm getting better. ❞

❝ You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do? ❞

❝ Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you. ❞

❝ You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest… WITH… A HERRING! ❞

❝ Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. ❞

❝ What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?❞

❝ I seek the bravest and the finest knights in the land who will join me in my court at Camelot. ❞

❝ You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? ❞

❝ I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight. But I must cross this bridge. ❞

❝ Now, stand aside, worthy adversary! ❞

❝ Is there someone else up there we can talk to? ❞

❝ No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time! ❞

❝ Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor! For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it… and lived! BONES of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So! Brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth… ❞

❝ Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't have bothered to carve 'Aaaauuuggghhhh'. He'd just say it. ❞

❝ I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! ❞

❝ Get on with it! ❞

❝ Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. ❞

[stitchyblogs]

my curse is that i keep falling in love with peacock shows that a) people forgot they have a subscription to, or b) keep getting cancelled- but if you DO have peacock and you want 20+ recs hit a stitchy up, yooooo

NUMBER ONE please watch The Resort. It’s about love and grief and going on a magical realism vacation in the mayan riviera and playing detective on some missing teen’s old ass pre smartphone cell phone 🤳🏼🌴

(definitely serves as a stand alone miniseries, but i’d love more)

Look at this cast and tell me you’re not like “ohh.” THE RESORT. NOW.

2!!!! WE ARE LADY PARTS

a comedy about a British punk rock band named Lady Parts, which consists entirely of Muslim women. One of whom is obsessed with Don McLean, which speaks di-fucking-rectly to teenage stitchy

threeeeee is BRILLIANT MINDS, the medical drama show i would make if you held me hostage. I would say “there are too many doctor shows already!!!” And youd’d say, “make one anyway!!! I have a weapon!!” But this doctor show is Special. It’s based on the work and character of neurologist Oliver Sacks, who i’ve been fascinated by since doing the opera adaption of The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat in college (brag). It’s kinda like if House had old school Quantum Leap levels of empathy and 🏳️‍🌈

gif by @pedro-reed THIS SHOW IS LIKE A HUG. Did i MENTION mandy patinkin cameo that rocked my world??? Btw???!

shuttup i fucking loved the treasure of foggy mountain. Its number 4. i said what i said

FIVE! Speaking of films on peacock, you know Conclave is on there right? RIGHT?! It’s the Mean Girls of pope movies. It’s everything to me, a cradle catholic who thinks canon Jesus was pretty lit, its the fandom I can’t gel with. And Ralph Fiennes has to care for his dead boss’s army of turtles need i say more

Okay back to tv series… MR MERCEDES! It’s stephen king doing some hardboiled detective shit that only baaaarely steps out of reality. Like. One toe. One and a half. Shout out to all my Brendan Gleeson fuckers, i know you’re out there.

Everyone else… You might not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

are we on 7? We’re on 7. It’s MRS DAVIS. Betty Gilpin is a nun raised by shady Las Vegas magicians who is Hot For Jesus and on a mission to destroy Artificial Intelligence and her mommy issues. My flabbers were gasted by this perfection.

(Complete narrative btw!)

EIGHT. Do you love Stephanie Hsu??? Do you enjoy Nahnatchka Khan’s other work? Check out LAID. A sex comedy that is very preposterous and if we do not get a s2 I will be haunted forever. my Number 1 nepo baby Zosia Mamet is also here and she is not playing around

NINE is a total left field premise. Claudia O’Doherty and Craig Robinson go into business hunting exotic pythons for cash. This might be the peak hustle culture show about a Tenuous Job. I have never touched a snake in my life and i’m gripping my guts from laughing like “so tru bestie!!”

TEN is a P.S.A. Friends, i need you to know Peacock has some golden oldies. Is Little House On The Prairie your show when you’re sick on the couch? Did you dad raise you on old Quantum Leap? Have you been meaning to meet my best friend Mr. Detective Columbo!? They are HERE!

awoooo!! 11 is WOLF LIKE ME. Josh Gad is an american dad living in australia for some illusive reason… idk… anyway his daughter has a serious anxiety disorder he is carefully managing, and uhhhhh guess what his new girlfriend Isla Fisher is a werewolf. LET GIRLS BE MONSTERS.

Uhm i think I’m gonna have to stop here and re blog to add more. Too many images! 😅

[ryuzakemo128]

MDNI 18+ Omegaverse Part 3

cw: isolation, cold weather, injuries, lovely things, overprotective price. mature language. angst.

Omegaverse Parts: Part One + Part Two + Part Three + Part Four

Masterlist

wc: 1311

Price noticed you were no longer on the base, all that working trying to find you all gone to waste because of General Shepard. His frustration grew each day you were gone. Each day you weren’t around the four. Did it matter that it was only a week? Fuck no.

What did the General hope would happen? Delay the inevitable? What kind of foolish man did they take Price for? When he found out you were sent down from a helicopter in the dead of night to Siberia? His blood began to boil. His temper began to rise higher levels.

The man was a monster, and you were his latest victim. The medical results came in. Not that you would ever get the chance to see them. To know what you are. Why people were so keen on taking you or killing you, or both. Not just a weapon, either.

“You can’t do that. You have no right to enforce that. It’s against protocol to send out an unknown operative.” Price argued. He tried making him see the error of his actions. He had to. Not many others were willing to stand up for you. He had to save you.

“Protocol can go to hell, Price. She’s special. The intel says so. We need her. And I will do whatever it takes to ensure she’s safe and on our side. Even if it means throwing her to the wolves and seeing if she comes back to us. That’s an order, Captain!” Shepard’s voice was cold, final. The conversation was over.

The medical evaluation you received years before your imposed, forced exile had always eluded you. Your results never even reached your own hands. They left you there in the middle of the forest with your Barrett M82, SIG Sauer P226, colt python, and a Bowie knife made from Damascus steel. 

Siberia wasn’t meant to be kind nor loving to you. It was supposed to have killed you long ago. They assumed you would be dead by now. Hoped to be rid of you by now. A detriment to what they wanted. Too much of an improbable, uncontrollable unknown. A freak.

The log cabin you made into your home was relatively small, easy to miss, and hard to find within the gusts often sweeping across the snowy landscape. The trees keeping the location of the log cabin a hushed secret. A stone fireplace and varying large cast iron pots and pans. 

Stolen from military vehicles you spotted along the road to a base in the area. Indirectly helping task force 141 from afar. Nikolai said, “Looks like some of their supplies were taken, no signs of a struggle, no signs of combat, and whoever it is. Knew exactly what to take.”

Captain Price remarked incredulously as he frowned deeply, “What do you mean by taken? Nikolai, they’re either stolen or they’re lost. It can’t be any more or any less simple than that. I don’t think ghosts exist to steal supplies from the back of enemy trucks. We would know otherwise.”

“Oh, but Captain, the world is a mysterious place, full of secrets and unexplained occurrences. Maybe, just maybe, there is something, or someone, out there we haven’t accounted for.” Nikolai cooed a little too cryptically for his own good. Possibly even too mysteriously for Soap’s liking. Like he knew more.

The snap of the bear trap's claws clamping onto your leg set out by Nikolai, “See? The little mouse came out to play.” He set out a nice steak within enough reach to tempt you. Purposefully trying to make you do something stupid enough to try stealing it from him.

Price managed to take a closer look at you, Nikolai’s mouse, who bit Price for trying to touch you without consent. Feeling your wolf like teeth into his hand. Digging into his flesh, not hard enough to break bones. But hard enough to leave behind a deep enough bruise.

Your jaw locked in, making it impossible for him to remove his hand. With every movement of his met with a low growl ripping through your throat. Refusing to let go. Price didn’t know what to think. But Nikolai seemed to have his thumbs up, soap and are distressed. Where’s Ghost?

Who knew ghost would be the one to find your log cabin first? There he was. Standing outside your log cabin, staring at the crate you were parachuted down from the military helicopter. Smelling your intense sweet smell of your previous heat. The scent still remaining on the fur blankets.

The place you still go into when your heat comes around again. Tally marks along the walls marking how many times your ‘heat’ came around. The thick, soft fur blankets soaking in the hot water in the giant metal tub in the shed. Which also served as your bath tub. 

Learning your scent could attract far more dangerous predators than you. You bathed once a day when you weren’t in heat. Twice a day during the period of your heat. Once in the morning, and once in the evening. As you found it to be rather productive for your benefit.

Price sniffed around the crate you used to live in before shifting to your cabin permanently. The scent of yours is stronger than any of theirs. Their combined scent could match it. But singularly? No. They’d be drowned inside your scent with enough ease. Like a Megalodon swallowing someone whole.

“I can’t believe we missed this. This is a fucking goldmine.” He whispered to himself. “Nikolai! Soap! We’re not the only ones who know she’s here. She’s been living here, right under our nose!” He waved his comrades over, getting their attention and to come closer to what he found. 

Their footsteps grew louder as they approached. Soap’s eyes widened as he saw the state of your living conditions. The way you’ve adapted. The way you’ve survived. It’s a miracle, really. “How long have you been out here?” He asked, his voice filled with a mix of amazement and horror.

You were patching your leg up and bathing in hot water, hoping to sterilise and clean the wound. It was the sight of your naked body that made them rather peculiar. You were a miracle wrapped inside the cold, tendency to bite people’s hands if they touched you without consent.

Your clothes discarded into the corner of your cabin. Soaking in cold water to get the blood from your clothes. The atmosphere of your log cabin, warmer than what you felt on the inside. After the stitches, your leg is wrapped in clean cloth. You were about to get dressed.

The door slammed open like the gusts of wind came through like a shout rather than a soft, sultry whisper. The four of them must have found you quicker than you suspected. Another 12 months living, surviving, on your own. 

The first to enter your cabin was someone you didn’t expect to see again. Considering the two of you yelled at each other like you wanted to rip each other’s throat out. “What the fuck do you want?” You spat, your teeth still clenched from the pain of your wound.

“To bring you back. You’re in no state to be alone, you’re in no state to be left to pick up leftovers to live off again. I don’t want to hear your protests because frankly, I don’t care. You’re coming with us.” Price's voice was firm, but there was a hint of concern in his eyes as he stepped into the cabin, the warmth of the fireplace hitting him like a welcoming embrace.

You stared at him. Shocked. In total state of shock. Price heard the meek, “I can go back now?” Soap helped you get dressed and patched up. Ghost packed up your things, because he knew it was valuable

[rocksibblingsau]

Doing some "spring cleaning" in my notes app rn so I decided to finally re-send my old Incorrect Branch AU quotes that got lost in the depths of your askbox (or got got by Tumblr, but same difference really) so it can finally stop collecting digital dust in my phone lmao, rip to the old one I guess ✊😔 rest in piss old friend rest in piss something something in the arms of an angel something something

Anyhow, enjoy!

Country Branch: Dandelions symbolize everythin' I want to be in life

Holly Darling: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Country Branch:: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Clampers: Edible!

Val, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Rock Branch: You did WHAT–

Demo: William Snakepeare!

Synth: Dubstep, ur like an angel without wings <3

Bergen Branch: So, like a person...

Veneer, tearing up: Must be hard not being able to laugh

Rageons Branch: I do have a sense of humor, you know?

Velvet: We’ve never heard you laugh before

Rageons Branch, shrugging: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

Prince D: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?

Funk Branch: *Sighs*

Funk Branch: I killed a man.

Hickory: Bruder, why are you on ze floor?

Yodeler Branch: I am depressed.

Yodeler Branch: Also I was stabbed, can you get Dickory, bitte?

Synth: Dubs, whaddya call a fish with no eye?

Classical Branch, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Synth:

Synth: A fsh

Chaz: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.

Smooth Jazz Branch: It’s called arson and those people are called witnesses.

Trollex: *yo, text me when ur home safe*

Techno Branch: *im home dangerously*

Trollex: *dude, stop it*

Techno Branch: *im home lethally*

Kpop Branch: The Yodeler Brothers, my old arch enemies.

Tresillo: ...I thought I was your arch enemy?

Kpop Branch: I have a life outside of you, Tracy.

Val: I want to kiss you

Rock Branch, not paying attention: What?

Val: I said if you die, I wont miss you!

Tresillo: ¡¿POR QUÉ?! Why did you give Ramon a KNIFE?!

Marimba: Perdón! He said he felt unsafe!

Tresillo: Now I feel unsafe!

Tambora: Lo sentimos mucho.

Marimba: ... Would you like a knife?

Techno Branch: Yo, who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth???

Country Branch, sighing: Ya are a hazard to society.

Rock Branch: And a fucking coward! DO TWENTY!!

Canon Branch: I think we're missing something.

Funk Branch: Teamwork?

Classical Branch: Cohesion?

Rock Branch: A general sense of what we’re doing?

I love these, I'm mad that tumblr ate them the first time.

[intimidating-fettuccine]

May I request Ben and Hobo Heart with a naga/lamia s/o? Basically a humanoid upper half, and snake lower half. They can stretch their jaw like a snake, and have to deal with shedding their scales about twice a year. Thank you for writing stuff for us!

I'm imagining their snake lower halves as being quite long (15-20+ feet), wanted to clarify that detail, but otherwise I hope you enjoy!

BEN:

Coil around him. Please. Listen, he's already dead so you can't kill him, and he loves to be held as close to his partner as possible, so please, just coil your tail around him and hold him. It brings him so much joy and he probably wants you to cuddle him like that on a daily basis. I feel like he's just really into your snake tail in general. He probably asks to touch it whenever you're sitting together, and his hands will gently stroke along your tail in wonder and amazement at all your scales just fitting together so nicely. When it comes time for shedding season, I feel like he does whatever he can to help you out. He makes sure you're not stressed out so the process is smoother, he probably prepares bath soaks for you so that your tail can relax and get some hydration so that you have an easier time shedding all of that old snake skin. If you ever need any help shedding your skin he offers to help you (especially considering just how much of it you have to shed), and he always thinks it's the most satisfying thing in the world if you can get it to come off in one whole, solid piece. If you'd rather do it by yourself though, he'll sit beside you and rub your shoulders and back comfortingly and support you through it. My BEN actually has a pet ball python named Oliver, so needless to say, he thinks snakes are pretty fucking cool, and you are no exception, even though you're technically only half snake. He's not scared by you or your biology at all and finds you to be incredibly interesting. When you first start dating I feel like he questions you all the time about your biology and what life is like for you, and he is just so drawn to you and he thinks it's so amazing that he's the one lucky enough to date you.

Hobo:

Hobo... Hobo is a little scared of you in the beginning, but it's mostly his prey response, considering you're a predator animal. He's technically related to birds (with his wings and the little chirpy noises he can't help but make sometimes), and as some snakes eat birds, he can't help but naturally be a little scared at the start of your relationship, but he knows you'd never hurt him, and as he grows to love you more and more, he grows to lose the fear he originally had. While he doesn't want you to fully tightly coil around him like BEN would, he does sometimes like it if you loosely coil around him and allow him to cuddle up to your chest. He finds it very comforting to have the added pressure from cuddling with you, and when your tail is loose like that it doesn't trigger any fear instincts in his mind. He's sympathetic with your shedding season, as he has to shed all of his feathers every now and then too, and I feel like you guys would have a mutual agreement where he helps you with shedding your tail and you help him with shedding his wings. When both occur at the same time, you both get a nice little rhythm going and will just sit for an hour or two, talking and laughing together as you go about helping each other, and he really enjoys being able to do this with you. He eventually finds your presence to be very protective and safe, and whenever the two of you go out together he feels much safer because he has you by his side, and he grows to just be so at peace with you, and he grows to love everything about you that he originally was nervous about. You two are an unlikely couple together, but it serves to draw both of you closer together, and it works out very well in the long run.

[anisespice]

tall fem reader?

tall fem reader!!! thanks for the request, anon :)))

hq ver.

pairing: college!tr x tall!fem!reader

warnings: mature language, MDI, suggestive language, reader mentioned in chifuyu’s but not present, mild mild mild cat-call in hanma’s - just crack overall, honestly lol feel free to let me know if i missed anything!

notes: planned to make this a whole x whoever you want type beat, BUT figured just doing a headcanon broken into different heights would be more efficient lol plus MORE CONTENT - gonna make a pt. 2 with some hq men, but for now — t.rev! :))) hope you enjoy <3 !!

tagged: @fantasycantasy , @illegalspacecow

small — ♡

When it came down to a relationship, MIKEY wasn’t shallow enough to let physical appearances stop him from pursuing someone he wanted—He liked what he liked, fuck what anybody else had to say about it. The blonde never had issue with your drastic height difference, seeing it as more of a perk than anything else. His best friend was tall, so why not his girlfriend? It just meant whenever he walked down the street, he’d look like a total badass with his two attractive beanpoles at his side.

However, a lot of the buzz on campus mostly centered around Mikey’s height rather than yours. It never bothered him, but it certainly got you tight anytime someone tried to uplift you whilst putting him down in the process.

“A shrimp like him wouldn’t know how to handle all that leg of yours, mama. Lemme take you out tonight, show you a good time with someone who’s more on your level, whaddya say?”

Barf.

Mikey would merely give them a dead-stare; unbothered king. You, on the other hand, didn’t hesitate to knock them down a size or two.

“First of all, your busted-looking ass could never be on the same level as me. Second of all, where my man lacks in height, he makes up for elsewhere, so he handles me very well, thank you. You’re probably the type to just shove it in without any sort of technique, thinking that’s enough to get a girl to finish. My man won’t bust once until I’ve came up to four times, the fuck can you offer me besides being six-foot? Hm? That’s right, not a damn thing. Remember that next time you talk shit, dirt-neck.”

Read him straight to filth. And God forbid Mikey had his gang with him anytime some scrub tried to spit game, best believe they’d dog the guy until he scurried away in humiliation. It always filled him with great adoration for you wherever you checked someone in his defense, your entire relationship giving off the same energy as that one meme with Kevin Hart’s character being protectively held by the lady. It’d been put in the groupchat a number of times just to tease the delinquent, but he’s unashamed at the fact you could easily pick his ass up. If anything, he was all for it, even requested piggy-back rides from you more often than his right-hand man—Draken’s back appreciates your sacrifice.

Now let someone try and spit game at him.

“Yeah, normally guys feel emasculated when their girlfriend’s taller than them, y’know? I’m surprised you don’t, though. No offense, [_____] just doesn’t seem like a good fit for you. I mean, must be tough to lay in the same bed, or even put her in your lap without feeling smothered or crushed. Wouldn’t it be much better to have someone a little smaller-”

“She could sit on me until my pelvis collapsed, and I would thank her. And, full offense, if I was single, still wouldn’t pick you even if you put a gun to my head. Keep my girl’s name out your mouth, you don’t deserve to breathe the same air let alone be on first name basis. Now, quit wasting my time—Do you have the notes from yesterday’s lecture or not?”

You don’t play about him. He don’t play about you. Period.

And as far as sharing a bed, cuddling or otherwise, Mikey was a sucker for being held like a damn squishmellow. Didn’t matter if you took up most of the leg space, dude would be wrapped around you like a python, so snug and warm you’d be lucky to even escape his grasp for food or the bathroom. Once he’s sleep, he’s SLEEP, and then you become the squishmellow.

“Mikey, I will be right back, turn me loose-”

“Zzzzzz…” out like a light. Drooling and everything, face smushed up against your boobs, just content. You’d think he’d been working the graveyard shift. And God forbid he ended up laying on top of you, sprawled out starfish style…you for sure weren’t going anywhere then.

Even if you expressed this dilemma after he woke up, the blonde merely yawned. “Just pick me up and carry me with you…”

“You’re smoking crack if you think I’m gonna haul your ass with me into the bathroom. I love you and all that, but we ain’t at the stage where I can comfortably use it with you in room.”

He shrugged. “Mm. Guess you don’t have to go that bad. G’night.”

“Mikey.”

“Shh, I’m sleeping…”

A gremlin. But, your gremlin. ♡

—

medium — ♡

CHIFUYU still can’t believe he bagged you, frfr.

There’d be moments where you’d catch him staring, as if he figured you’d disappear the second he took his eyes off you.

It’d get a little creepy sometimes, but it was endearing all the same. He wasn’t the shortest guy, though he wasn’t the tallest either, and standing next to you was a constant reminder of that. Not that he held any resentment toward you for it, he absolutely loved your height. However, there was always some form of insecurity that would resurface anytime someone called attention to it.

And today, his best friend and co-worker, Baji, would not only be the culprit, but an unlikely source of reassurance.

While they were stocking up inventory, the ravenette couldn’t help but notice the stool his friend was using to put a box in a particular high place. Wearing a mischievous grin, Baji pointed. “Oi. You should take that home with you. That way your girl won’t have to strain her neck when she kisses you.” He snorted, thinking he was the funniest man alive.

Normally, something that lame wouldn’t phase him, but guess today he was feeling a little more sensitive. With a grunt, the former blonde coolly spoke, “Maybe you should shut the hell up, and stock the damn shelves.”

“Whoa. What’s up your ass?” Baji furrowed his brows, walking over to lightly kick at the stool’s metal leg, making it jerk. Chifuyu sharply gasped, latching onto an empty shelf to steady himself. He exhaled, relieved, then shot a glare. But, Baji wasn’t perturbed.

Chifuyu sighed. “Nothing. I’m fine...”

“Fine my left nut. You don’t get short like that unless there’s something on your mind,” not the best way to phrase that, but at least he was genuine. Chifuyu rolled his eyes, coming down off the stool to brush past the ravenette.

“Not in the mood, alright?”

Baji was left standing there, dumbfounded.

The entire vibe had been thrown on its head, and he didn’t understand why. Awkwardly, he went back to assorting through the contents within the nearest box, bottom lip stuck out in thought as he briefly glanced at Chifuyu’s back mere feet away. It was like an itch he couldn’t scratch. He knew not to pry, but curiosity always won gold in the end. Baji replayed the conversation in his head, using his impeccable deductive reasoning to draw his own conclusions.

And then suddenly, an epiphany.

Without a hint of warning, the ravenette quickly walked over and slapped his friend in the middle of his back. Chifuyu yelped, nearly dropping the box in his hands before whipping around to fix Baji with a wide, incredulous look. “T-The hell?!”

“So. She dumped ya, huh? [Sigh] Look man, don’t beat yourself up, a lot of guys fumble the bag from time to time. If ya need a shoulder to cry on…don’t use mine, but ‘tora might let you-”

“Hah?? What are you—[_____] didn’t dump me, dumbass!”

Baji blinked. “Oh. My bad, jus’ figured that’s why you’re in your feelings.”

“And you thought the best thing to do was to hit me, then tell me to cry on someone else?” Chifuyu squinted when the arsonist gave a shrug. He sighed again, carefully setting the box down. “It’s not about [______]. Well, technically. The other day we had lunch with a few of her friends. They apparently have been dying to meet me for some time. And things were going great until…”

Chifuyu trailed off, leaving Baji in suspense.

He grunted. “‘till what? Jus’ say it, bet it isn’t even that bad-”

“They were shocked to see her with someone who barely came up to her elbows.”

Silence filled the storage room. Chifuyu continued to keep his eyes trained elsewhere while his counterpart merely stared for what felt like hours, but only seconds. And then…

“Pfft.”

Chifuyu looked up and sneered, blushing furiously as he threw a chew toy from one of the boxes at the fiend. “Hey! Don’t laugh! Do you have any idea how humiliating that is??”

Baji, to his dismay, effortless caught the toy, even squeaking it a couple times just to annoy him more. Taking a moment to collect himself, the ravenette still wore his sharp grin as he spoke through airy giggles. “So? Who cares what they have to say?”

“I do! They’re [_____]’s friends, everyone knows their approval is just as crucial to the relationship as the parents…if not more.”

“Mm. Pretty sure you’re overthinking this.”

Chifuyu gave a sarcastic laugh, “Pretty sure I’m not.”

“Alright. Lemme school ya on how women operate when they get in their little cliques.” Baji dusted off his hands, missing the eye roll the former blonde gave once again. With his pointer held high, he declared, “If majority of the friend group is taken, they’re just being protective. No doubt they’ve been there for every heartbreak, every fight, ‘nd jus’ don’t think anyone’s good enough for [_____]. Jus’ gotta keep your head down, and don’t give ‘em any reason to be weary. Simple.”

With a slow, skeptical nod, Chifuyu pursed his lips at his fellow delinquent. It wasn’t unlikely, so at least he’s correct in that regard. However, the line between facts and feelings began to blur the further Baji continued.

“But, if majority of them are single, then you’re screwed either way —Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

“Wow, that’s so helpful. You sure schooled me, Baji-san.”

“‘m serious. You gotta watch out for the single ones in the friend group. They’re all passive aggressive, try to get under your skin, push your buttons. Then, before you know it, they’re in your head, get you so worked up only for them to turn around and play victim, saying you can’t take a joke, and now you’re the fucking bad guy! Classic textbook emotional manipulation—Don’t fall for it. ‘cause they’ve got it down to a science, I’m telling ya.”

Chifuyu’s eyes widen at the sudden intensity that overtook the room, taking a small step back when Baji jabbed his finger at him, as if he were warning him of some conspiracy. “Uh…you good?”

Baji took a moment’s pause. Then, he cleared his throat.

“Sorry, got a little carried away. All’s I’m saying is, don’t sweat. Lotta chick’s pick on the best friend’s new fling, t’s like a war tactic—Poking at our fragile egos ‘nd all that. But, seems like you did fine, otherwise you’d be crying all over ‘tora right now.” Baji shrugged.

Chifuyu blinked, now his turn to be dumbfounded. “Huh.”

He frowned. “‘Huh’? I jus’ gave you some killer, black-pilled insight on cracking their code of conduct, and all I get is a dry-ass ‘huh’? Tsk. I’m charging you next time, goddamn freeloader.”

Chifuyu glared, but softened soon after. After taking his words into consideration, the former blonde couldn’t help but feel lighter. “It’s just... didn’t expect that to actually make me feel better.”

Baji scrunched his nose. “The fuck’s that supposed to mean? Oi, don’t ever doubt my knowledge. It may be selective, but I got it when it counts. Besides, thanks to me you won’t take that stool home after all.”

“I wasn’t planning to take it home in the first place.”

“Right. Keep telling yourself that, elbows.”

“Hey!”

—

large — ♡

“Hey, baby, those legs go all the way up?”

It was moments like this where you detested not being able to blend in with the average crowd. Attention always seemed to gravitate toward you no matter how hard you tried to avoid it, like being covered in honey while trying to walk in front of a herd of bears. And it didn’t help that you were currently wearing heels tonight, accentuating your legs even more in the little, black cocktail dress you sported. You were headed to a party a mutual friend of yours was throwing, and you wanted to surprise your man by wearing the new Jimmy Choos he bought you, knowing how much he loved how your legs with the extra height on them—Evidently, so did the prowling degenerate on the streets.

You had elected to ignore them. HANMA seemed to have other plans as he came to a complete stop in his tracks, slowly turning around to walk up on the moron who had the nerve to open his mouth. Low, golden eyes gazed down at the waste of space, face calm but a murderous aura oozed off him like pheromone, suffocating the slimy bastard into submission as he attempted to shrink away. But, he wasn’t about to let him get away so easily.

A wide, eerie grin spread across his face. “Could’ve sworn I just heard you cat-call my girl right in front of me. But, you wouldn’t be stupid enough to do that. Right?”

The guy nervously looked back for reinforcements but his buddies were already long gone. Hanma’s grin immediately dissolved from his face, kissing his teeth before grabbing the guy by the front of his collar and twisting. “Fuckin’ hate repeating myself.”

Hanma wound his arm back, dead set on knocking the guy into an early grave until you intervened at the last second. By grabbing onto the balled up fist, you brought it to your lips to place a tender kiss on the inked skin. You felt his muscles relax, but he still held the offender by his shirt, only slightly playing attention to you cooing in his ear.

“Baby, you promised no fighting tonight, remember?”

“I know, doll, but this fucker,” he shook the guy around in his tight grasp, unhinged grin making its appearance once more at the sound of him blubbering, “deserves to have his shit rocked for even looking at you. I’m just gonna teach ‘em a little lesson about manners, that’s all. I’ll be quick.”

You scoffed, “You and I both know you don’t do quick.”

Hanma snickered. “First time for everything, right?”

“Shuji.”

Tugging on his arm, you were able to redirect all of his focus onto you, sinister eyes melting into sweet caramel as his pupils dilated the second they locked on yours. It always did something to him whenever you came up to eye-level. Sure, you were already pretty tall but the heels nearly had you towering him. It gave him a weird sensation, one that made him want to drop everything and worship you like the deity you were. Especially in situations like this.

Hanma felt like the smaller one for once. It drove him insane.

You fixed him a stern look. “Drop him.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, he discarded the guy onto the pavement like an old can, wild eyes eagerly watching you and waiting for your next request. Taking his free hand into yours, interlacing your fingers, you led the rest of the way by pulling him from the nobody now cowering near a bush, no doubt rethinking his life choices while you kept onward to your destination. You didn’t get all spruced up to not be seen tonight, and you’ll be damned if any more time got wasted on some loser he’d put in a coma after one hit. After a short moment of silence, you expected Hanma to be mad at you for not letting him knock someone’s teeth loose. But when you glanced back at him, you should’ve known you’d be greeted with absolute smugness as you shook your head in mirth.

You elected to ignore the obvious tent in his pants…but he’d surely plan for you to do otherwise later on.

[celestialsymbiosis]

Love and Mercy p.1 - Rick Grimes x reader

I know it's October.

But here's a little something on the group's first winter in Alexandria:

u_u

“What’re you doin’?”

Rick’s voice is heavy with sleep, quiet but enough to break the silence in the house as he shuffles closer to where you’re kneeling. You don’t need to see him to know he’s got that almost permanently etched frown on, the soft dip between his eyebrows. 

You tilt your head up in greeting, focused on your task, skillfully wrapping items with old newspapers you’d found on a run earlier that week. “Nothing,” you mumble, as if it were enough, your fingers pressing down on the paper with a sleepy determination. You hunch over them to shade from Rick’s view. “Go away.”

Rick hums, depositing himself onto the couch. “No. Missed you in bed. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve been sneaking away from me. I’m onto you.”

“You’re not onto shit,” you reply, hands splayed over your projects. 

“Hey,” he lilts, nudging your back with his knee. “What is it?”

There’s a soft noise you release at that, something like annoyance. “Can’t say. It’s not time yet.”

“Time for what?”

You groan, turning around to put your chin up on his knee, looking up at him. “Christmas.”

“You’re still on that?” Rick’s eye twitches a little.

It had been a few weeks ago when the cool air starting breezing through Alexandria. With Winter on the brink and the group relatively settled and sheltered for the first time in years, you’d off-handedly mentioned the season’s festivities. 

Rick hadn’t been too keen on it however. He was everything but settled into the new Alexandrian lifestyle you had found easy to slip into. On edge and restless, as if the universe would detect his comfort and throw it’s next disaster his way. He’d informed the rest of you all, with a hand poised on his belt and fingers itching for the Colt Python Deanna had stored away. Be ready, we can’t let our guard down. 

That may have been weeks ago, but Rick never truly looked comfortable here even now- though you’re not sure he ever did. So between his stubbornness, the fact that Judith hadn’t ever celebrated a holiday, and your proclivity to do first and ask for forgiveness later, you were set on doing something small for the kids at the very least. 

Something to finally look forward to. 

You had gone to Deanna first, telling her of your plans to bring some cheer for Carl and Jude. Her eyes sparkled in that way they seemed to do when she was inspired by something so normal- but she sadly revealed they really did not pack shiny wrapping paper in the community. You weren’t derailed however. 

Any time you were on the run, you tried grabbing things the family would’ve enjoyed that would be painfully human. Glenn laughed when you handed him a new baseball cap, Tara nodded appraisingly at the palm tree snow globe, shaking it around aggressively to see the tiny white flakes swim around. 

So, you had immediately pushed the few issues you’d found of Y: The Last Man for Carl inside your backpack. The stuffed lamb you came across would need to be cleaned and fluffed, but it had made the cut for Judith’s gift. 

Rick noticed when you started crumpling newspapers into your bag, though, raising an eyebrow. 

“Figured we could do something for the kids,” you had said, moving to the next aisle to get some actual supplies too. 

“For what?” Rick’s gruff voice intoned, a hint of a warning behind it. You weren’t quite sure why he even had an issue with the idea of a gift-giving celebration; it’s not like the rest of you haven’t passed items to each other before. 

Kneeling in front of him now, the soft sound of snow pattering down outside and the hum of one of Deanna’s heaters, you nose at his knee. 

“Baby, you gotta- can you relax?” you say a little exasperatedly. “I cannot believe this is even a conversation we need to have when we literally deal with the dead. Is this like, Christmas related trauma or something that I need to be aware of?”

Rick rolls his eyes. “No.”

“Then what’s your damage?”

He scratches his arm, looking at the gifts you’ve wrapped with a suddenly weary sigh. “No damage.”

You tilt your head up at him curiously, tapping his hand to pull him out. 

“I just don’t want…” he groans softly, looking down at you before tangling a hand in your hair. “I don’t want to give them hope so soon. We don’t know how well these walls are gonna hold up when a hoard comes by. We don’t know if this community will survive anything yet. I don’t want to give Carl and Judith this and then have to take it away again.”

When you continue to just stare at him impassively, he nods with a huff, leaning back further back into the couch. “I know, I know,” he waves his hand vaguely. “Trust me- I can hear myself too.”

“So you’re aware that you’re being… difficult?” You choose your words carefully. Rick must find it amusing at the very least because he smiles almost sheepishly. “They need to know there’s more to life than everything we’ve gone through. You’re not taking anything from them. You can give them these moments, the time to just be children.”

“I’d just… feel bad if anything happened. ” 

You hum, his baby blue eyes glazed over with some far away memory for a mere second before they focus back on you. “Everyone’s okay, Rick. We’re all okay here. You don’t need to be so on all the time anymore,” you drop a kiss on his knee. “You’ve done so much for us already. Just- slow down.”

He considers this, considers what you’re saying to him. “A day,” he concedes. “I can slow down for a day. Only tomorrow.”

You let out a startled laugh. “So you’re declaring Christmas to be tomorrow? You’re just choosing?”

“Yes,” he nods once, rubbing his jaw like it’s a hard decision to make. “You get your day, and then I want you with me to assess the barricades. I can’t do it alone.”

You nod easily. “I’ll need help on the decorations. We don’t have much,” you gesture at the crinkled paper and frail twine on the ground. “Don’t suppose we can cut a small tree down with your hatchet?”

“I’ll figure out your decorations, just-“ he beckons you forward, pulling you up easily to straddle his lap, “come here for now.” 

------

Title's from the Gazelle version of Love and Mercy that plays in the show!

part 2 is nsfw and posted here!

and all together on ao3.

[the-moon-files]

Linked Universe Incorrect Quotes (ft. Masc!You)

Your many, many nicknames: Guide, Hero's Guide, Lead, Star (Guiding Star), Princey, Prince

Reader: (he/him)

(This gif got chosen bc i fully believe they could get goofy enough to act like the monty python campaign sometimes)

Wars, wistfully: I love hearing my Guide shouting at someone else. It makes such a nice change.

♡

You: Listen, listen, the ‘how the fucks’ and 'why are you so dumbs’ don’t matter. All that matters is that I have a magic gun.

♡

Hyrule, looking at your unconscious body: I need a moment alone to heal him.

The Rest of the Chain: Of course, take care of him please.

(leaves)

Hyrule, leaning over you: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you’re not asleep.

You, sitting up: Yeah, no shit.

♡

Sky: Ha! Don't you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper??

Sky: ...I must be losing it, I'm quoting Star.

♡

(dead quiet in camp, everyone knowing the look on your face when you get annoyed at their reckless/self-sacrificing actions)

You: When I die, I want every Link here to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time.

(explosion of arguing and several "Hey wait a minute-!"s)

♡

Time, accidentally forgetting never to ask his Guide for advice: If this plan goes down the drain, where should we regroup?

You: The afterlife, I guess.

♡

You: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them?!

Four: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them.

You: Okay yeah thanks so much Link, that's great to hear, now, WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT??

♡

Legend: But what do I get out of it Princey?

You: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death.

Legend: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one tho.

You: It won't be you.

Legend: I'll get my rings.

♡

You: Why are you guys acting like this??

Twilight: Oh, we're not acting. We really are like this.

♡

Link: Cause your pretty and your smart, and your ignoring me so your obviously my type.

You, who was distracted: I'm sorry- what were you saying?

Link: Perfect.

♡

Thanks for reading this shitpost lmao

I just needed smth more my flavor of reader, and reader/Chain so I made this snack to satisfy me for now

Ill probably be making a fic in the future but for now bs like this will have to do

(Might use some of these quotes in it acc lol)

Peace out,

🌙

[weekendviking]

Transcripts I never thought I'd see outside of a Spitting Image or Monty Python script, Russian Asset edition:

Transcript, in case you are one, like many, who no longer bothers with the howling fashy boomer kaos of the Zuckbook:

"Senator Jeff Merkley walked into the hearing room like a man who’d just been told his car got keyed and knew exactly who did it. On the other side of the table sat Christopher Landau, Trump’s nominee for Ambassador to Mexico, who looked like he hadn’t slept since Inauguration Day, and Matthew Whitaker, a former acting Attorney General who carries himself like a guy who still brags about his high school bench press record.

The setup was simple: Merkley had questions, and Landau and Whitaker had excuses — weak, sweaty excuses that couldn’t outrun a three-legged dog.

It didn’t take long for the whole thing to unravel. Merkley started calmly, like a guy setting mousetraps in a room full of blindfolded rats. Then the hammer dropped.

Senator Jeff Merkley: "I wanted to, uh... uh... ask you, Mr. Landau — is President Trump a Russian asset?"

That's how Merkley started — no warmup, no warning. Just kicked the door open and asked the question nobody else had the nerve to say out loud.

Mr. Landau: "Absolutely not, Senator. He's the President of the United States, duly elected by the American people."

Landau might as well have answered, "Please don't ask me anything else." Merkley wasn’t about to let him off that easy.

Senator Merkley: "Well, the reason I ask is many people back home have been asking me this question. And they say, 'If he was an asset, we would see exactly what he's doing now.'"

It’s the kind of thing that sounds conspiratorial until you start listing the evidence. And that’s exactly what Merkley did.

Senator Merkley: "For example... he proceeded to forward — or express from the Oval Office — propaganda that has been Russian propaganda... that Ukraine started the war... that, uh... Zelensky is a dictator."

Step one: repeat Kremlin talking points like they’re gospel.

Senator Merkley: "Second of all... he gave away key things on the negotiating table before the negotiations even started, ensuring the U.S. would absolutely oppose, um... any possibility of NATO membership for Ukraine."

That’s like showing up to a poker game and tossing your entire stack of chips across the table before the first card’s dealt.

Senator Merkley: "Uh... third... he's cut off the arms shipments to Ukraine completely — undermining their ability against a massive neighbor next door with short supply lines and... and huge resources."

Pause here and picture Vladimir Putin popping champagne.

Senator Merkley: "Fourth... he's undermined the partnership with Europe, which has been essential to security over the last 80 years — a major goal of Putin’s."

At this point, Merkley wasn’t describing bad policy — he was reading Putin’s wish list.

Senator Merkley: "And then... he's done everything to discredit and demean Zelensky on the international stage — notably with that shameful press conference in which he teamed up with the Vice President to attack Zelensky."

Ah yes, that infamous JD Vance press conference — the diplomatic equivalent of shoving Zelensky’s head in a toilet while Putin watched from the corner clapping like a seal.

Senator Merkley: "I can't imagine that if he was a Russian asset, he could be doing anything more favorable than these five points."

Boom. Merkley didn’t need to say “traitor” — he just pointed at the scoreboard.

Senator Merkley: "Uh... what else could a Russian asset actually possibly do that Trump hasn't yet done?"

What else, indeed? The room was dead silent — the kind of pause where you can hear chairs creak and paper shuffle.

Landau tried to squirm out.

Mr. Landau: "Senator, the President has made it absolutely clear that his top priority is to try to bring peace and end an absolutely savage war. I... I know you're familiar with the, uh... the... the savagery. This is turning into World War I-style trench warfare now in eastern Ukraine."

Translation: I have nothing, so let me ramble until you forget what you asked.

Mr. Landau: "The President is an exceptionally gifted dealmaker. He is probably the only individual in the entire universe that could actually stop this."

The entire universe. Not just Earth — the universe. Apparently Trump’s cutting side deals with Alpha Centauri now.

Senator Merkley: "Well, let's turn to another — thank you very much, since you're now off the topic I was raising."

That’s polite for “You're embarrassing yourself — let’s try someone else.”

Merkley turned to Whitaker.

Senator Merkley: "Mr. Whitaker, these five things that the President has done that are so favorable to Putin and so damaging to Ukraine and to our partnership with Europe... do you approve of them?"

Whitaker tried the old “blame Biden” routine.

Mr. Whitaker: "Well, Senator, thanks for that question. I'm just going to have to, uh... politely disagree with you, uh... on those five things and the way you've framed them."

"You know... the war in Ukraine would have never happened if President Trump was president in 2022. The war in Ukraine happened because of Joe Biden’s weakness."

Merkley didn’t flinch.

Senator Merkley: "Well, maybe you could some other time go on television and express those points of view, but... do you mind just answering the question I asked?"

And that’s where Whitaker realized he’d stepped into the bear trap.

Senator Merkley: "Do you agree with the five things that President Trump has done — starting with him expressing Russian propaganda from the Oval Office?"

Mr. Whitaker: "Well, you know... again, as I mentioned to your colleague, I am not here to assign labels. We're in the middle of a very, uh... important peace negotiation."

Senator Merkley: "I agree. Thank you. Uh... I... I do hope that we have an Administration that works to get the very best deal for Ukraine.

"But what a Russian asset would do would be to work to get the very best deal for Russia — and that appears to be exactly what Donald Trump is trying to accomplish."

Merkley didn’t shout. He didn’t wave his arms. He just said it — clear as glass — and let the silence hang heavy in the room.

Landau and Whitaker sat there like a couple of guys who’d just realized their GPS was guiding them into a lake.

If Trump isn’t a Russian asset, he’s sure putting in the effort to look like one."

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 11/19/2024

no silly little witticism here this week! just heartfelt thanks for helping me pay my rent this month :)

listening

absolutely wild pick from last week's spotify weekly recommenced, Things Will Fall Apart by Louis Cole feat the Metropole Orkest and conductor Jules Buckley. it's been on loop all week for me and im a little sad it won't pop up in my spotify wrapped

when you make a dance pop song with a full orchestra backing, it has a really interesting effect somewhere between Golden Age of Hollywood swashbuckling film score and marching band?

Yes, understood Things will fall apart just likе they should This little shred was good Don't think it through Things will fall apart, they always do At least, something's always true

the syllables are so choppy they don’t even register to me as English at first, i was fully willing to believe this was German for the first couple lines. like @dying-suffering-french-stalkers, i have a deep fondness for works about putting an era to bed. or works focused on the sunsets of things, or one of the last living practitioners of an art. putting the chairs up on the table, sweeping the floors, and turning the lights out and locking the door behind you. this song has that sort of quiet post-wake-party remembrance.

however once you think the song has ended but it keeps going, you can turn it off. you don’t really need that extra minute and a half of strings and light vocalizations.

Lately, Louis Cole has been doing live shows with the Netherlands’ Metropole Orkest and conductor Jules Buckley. Cole recorded nothing with the ensemble. In a press release, he says, “Sometimes, when I’m mixing my own solo stuff, I’ll feel like a song needs a little magical dust. But mixing an entire orchestra and your own rhythm section, there’s so much human energy! You don’t have to add any magic. It was there the whole time.”

i don’t hear many pop songs this millennium with a full orchestral backing. perhaps i need to look harder. unfortunately spotify took this extreme interest in this song as a newfound extreme interest in electroswing, which is really not what this song is. i hope this artist does more albums like this so they can wear grooves in my brain

-

reading

very hard to focus on anything book length this week. some depressing local news (my local paper's links do Not want to preview nicely here, which is annoying:

At a city council meeting in October, district Vice President Dan Joyce told council members that the management district was not attempting to "criminalize homelessness." The city’s civility ordinance bans people from sitting, lying down or placing personal items or bedding on sidewalks from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m.

cool piece from our pals at 404 Media. i am So fascinated by crime infrastructure

Based on interviews with malware developers, hackers who use the stolen credentials, and a review of manuals that tell new recruits how to spread the malware, 404 Media has mapped out this industry. Its end result is that a download of an innocent-looking piece of software by a single person can lead to a data breach at a multibillion-dollar company, putting Google and other tech giants in an ever-escalating cat-and-mouse game with the malware developers to keep people and companies safe.

(via longreads) my interest in how and why systems fail extends to invasive species management. plus i used to live in florida just above the everglades and these fuckers (the snakes) were everywhere

[I]magine thousands upon thousands of pythons, their slow digestion transforming each corpse into python muscle and fat. Unaided, Florida’s native wildlife doesn’t stand a chance. “That’s what I think about with every python I catch,” Kalil says. “What it ate to get this big, and the lives I’m saving by removing it.” Biologists are taking a multipronged approach to the issue. They have experimented with enlisting dogs to sniff out both pythons and nests—a technique that has proved difficult in such hot weather and inhospitable landscapes. Ongoing projects use telemetry to track pythons to find “associate snakes.” Researchers use drones, go out in airboats, or even take to helicopters to locate their subjects in the interiors of the Everglades. Always, agencies and individuals are looking for the next best methods. “But for now, the python contractor program is the most successful management effort in the history of the issue,” Kirkland says. “We’re capturing more and more—something that is indicative of the python population out there and indicative of us getting better at what we do.”

-

watching

continuing noirvember, watched hitchcock's Notorious to see if i still dislike hitchcock. the answer is yes. there are bond girls and there are hitchcock girls, and not that bond girls are paragons of female agency in film, but hitchcock girls are mostly fluttering little pathetic things. a scrap of agency they showed in the beginning of the film becomes a running joke and something their noses are rubbed in for the rest of the film. not for me!

patrick mcgoohan is leading me into some real dad-ass movies. Ice Station Zebra (1968, dir. Sturges) is a real you're stuck at home sick with your dad and it's on TV for the whole afternoon kind of movie. they truly do not make two and a half cold war submarine espionage films in super panavision with an overture, intermission, and interact music any more. i get why howard hughes was really obsessed with this one. it is a suspense film, but full of people competently going about their business, which i find oddly comforting.

unfortunately i do not feel this really needed to be two and a half hours long. the loving closeups of sub interiors and instrumentation really did keep me amused, though. despite how cluttered every shot is with actors, there is tremendous clarity of purpose and motion with the camera movement. just a really technically brilliant film.

how similar the russian and american control rooms and instrumentation were made me chortle. ties nicely into a little diatribe mcgoohan goes on much later in the film, "The Russians put our camera made by our German scientists and your film made by your German scientists into their satellite made by their German scientists." funny and darkly true! every allied nation had some sort of Operation Paperclip going on! mcgoohan is the focus of every scene he's in, as a spy who is really hanging on by the last remaining shreds of his fingernails.

i had a good time with it, but one of many cold war suspense films im glad exist in the world but don't necessarily need to see again. it might join Escape from New York as a film i put on when im very sick though.

-

playing

this pc needs some sort of replacement something, bc it has a really persistent overheating problem. it only tolerates powerwasher simulator on the lowest possible settings and genshin impact on basically mobile settings. it does not even want to run new vegas. i popped my head out of goodsprings to look out over the desert at the Strip and it said no thank you! too many polygons! naptime!

speaking of genshin, major update this week and new character i will be pulling for. she has a sister who died in the last patch, which i do Not care for as someone with a beloved little sister, but her moveset and skills are unique so far in the game. i feel like her skills are little too complicated for me to fully take advantage of with my "hit enemy very hard until he is dead" playstyle but she has a limited flight ability that will genuinely be very useful for exploration.

if i do not get her when i hit pity on the banner i won't bother pulling another nine times or whatever, bc the next patch has a character i really desperately want and i am saving for her

-

making

the local crew is all getting art this year, bc i already have bristol board and a selection of small frames and zero budget. people who have pets are So easy to get gifts for bc u can simply get them stuff for their pet or that looks like their pet. way less gray cat than black cat merch in the world tho

aiming to send out international holiday cards by the end of the week, and canadian cards by american thanksgiving. the rest of you they'll get there when they get there ok

[fanfic-she-wrote]

Second Chances

Beetlejuice x Lydia Deetz

Chapter 1 Link

(Beetlejuice Beetlejuice spoilers⚠️)

Chapter 6

“I killed you twice! How do you keep coming back?!” Yelled Betelgeuse as he, Lydia, and Astrid made their way down the stairs.

“When you want revenge anything is possible.” Delores answered in her heavy Italian accent. From behind her Samantha appeared.

“I’m sorry Astrid.” She whimpered, her makeup smudged like she had been crying.

“What did you do?!” Astrid questioned her.

“We had a seance and she appeared asking for someone named Betelgeuse.” She explained in a small voice. At the sound of his name, Betelgeuse shrieked and covered his head. “Don’t say that!”

“Just get out of here Sam!” Astrid ordered her. “She killed them Astrid…” The young girl told her. “What?!” Astrid couldn’t believe it. Only a few weeks ago she had seen the Samantha and her friends walking around town, now they were dead.

“Go! Hurry!” Astrid insisted. She nodded her head and turned to run, but Delores grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back.

“I don’t think so.” She pulled the girl close and began stealing her soul. You could see it in the air as it slowly left her body. “No!” Astrid screamed as Delores dropped Samantha’s shrunken body onto the ground. She couldn’t believe her eyes. Samantha and her friends always bullied her, but she never wanted them to die like that.

Delores turned back to Betelgeuse and took a step forward, her arms outstretched. “Come here, darling. Give me a kiss.”

Lydia stepped forward in front of Betelgeuse. “No fucking way!” Betelgeuse’s lips curled into a proud smile and tears formed at the corners of his eyes. He couldn’t believe she was actually defending him.

“You! I know who you are. You are the woman my husband thinks he is in love with.” Delores said, pointing at Lydia.

“I ain’t in love with you! You killed me remember?” Betelgeuse shot back.

“Yes, but you killed me before I got what I wanted and nothing is going to stop me from getting it now.” She declared, taking another step forward.

“No you’re not!” Lydia shouted standing her ground even though Delores did intimidate her a little. Astrid stepped forward as well.

“You know you’re beginning to bug me.” Delores glared at Lydia and with a wave of her hand she sent her flying across the room and into the wall.

“Lydia!” Betelgeuse cried as he watched her slide down the wall and onto the floor, lying there unconscious.

“Astrid, go help your mom! I’ll take care of her.” He told Astrid, turning to Delores his eyes flashing dangerously at his ex wife.

“Two can play at this game.” He growled, snapping his fingers making two black and white striped pythons appear and wrap themselves around her legs, quickly slithering their way up towards her neck hissing loudly at her as they went. She didn’t appear frightened in the least, instead she pulled them off of her and tossed them into the air, turning them into hawks instead.

“Get them!” She ordered them sending them in Lydia and Astrid’s direction. Betelgeuse waved his hand once more making a bolt of lightning shoot through window striking both the birds dead.

This wasn’t working, Betelgeuse thought. He had to figure out a way to get rid of her once and for all. Chopping her up and having her get eaten by the sandworm didn’t work. What would?

His looked around the room for something, anything that might help him defeat her. His eyes fell upon the fireplace. He smiled. Fire! That’s it!

Suddenly, the fireplace lit up with bright green flames. “There’s only one way to get rid of a witch like you. Burn em.” He retorted sending a fireball in her direction. It missed her by mere inches crashing into the wall beside them instead. Quickly the fire spread across the wall and up the curtains.

He sent another one flying her way, but she dodged that too, then another, and soon the whole room was alight with flames. “Oh come on!” He groaned, punching the air in disgust.

“Enough!” Delores uttered pushing her hands towards him, there was a loud bang, and Betelgeuse was knocked off his feet. He sat up, letting out a sigh, his shoulders slumping in defeat. Maybe he should just let her take his soul and get it over with? He thought feeling hopeless. No, then she would just move on to someone else probably Lydia and Astrid. He had to end this, but how?

Betelgeuse looked up at the ceiling praying for an answer. He noticed the beams beginning to snap and more of the second floor becoming exposed with each passing second. Thats when it hit him. If this didn’t work, he didn’t know what would, but it was worth a shot.

“BJ! We have to get out of here.” Astrid called out, her voice sounding muffled and distant. He looked over at her and shook his head. From his expression she could tell just what he was thinking.

“No! No! You can’t!” She pleaded, tears streaming down her face. Betelgeuse gave her one of his usual smiles, the ones he usually gets when he’s planning on doing something mischievous, and winked at her. Before she could say anything else, he snapped his fingers making her and Lydia disappear.

He slowly rose up from the floor, dusting himself off. Betelgeuse and Delores now stood face to face in the center of the room. “Now, you are mine.” She spoke in a low triumphant voice, leaning towards him.

“I will never be yours, but we started this together and now we’re gonna finish it together. Arrivederci bitch!” Her eyes widened looking both confused and frightened as Betelgeuse took her in his arms and kissed her. She tried to pull away but he wouldn’t let her go. She wanted to scream, but his lips were pressed hard against her’s. It was like time had slowed down as little by little the house fell down around them, the wood creaked loudly like it was letting out one final scream, and then collapsed.

Lydia and Astrid watched on the lawn as what was left on their house went up in flames, reduced to nothing, gone along with Betelgeuse. They stood there in silence, holding each other.

Clouds appeared overhead but instead of snow, it brought a heavy rain. Before long the flames had died out, leaving nothing but ashes behind. Lydia got up and ran over towards the pile of charred wood that was once the ghost house. Desperately she searched for Betelgeuse throwing aside anything that got in her way.

“Where is he?!”

“He’s gone, mom.” Astrid put her hand on her mother’s shoulder trying to comfort her.

“He can’t be!” She sobbed pushing aside another board. Underneath, she spotted something with black and white stripes and picked it up. It was his jacket. It was a little burnt, but still remained intact. She held it close for a moment thinking about him.

Maybe if she called him? That always worked, she thought. “Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!” She waited and looked around, but there was nothing. She half expected to hear his voice call out, saying something like “Gotcha didn’t I?” but he didn’t. He was gone.

She was about to give up when Astrid called her attention to something lying on the grass across from them. She could just make out the hints of green in his hair in the dark.

They quickly darted towards him hoping he was all right. They saw that he had several cuts across his face and his shirt was torn in several places. “BJ?” Lydia whispered, gently pushing the hair out of his face. He remained quiet and motionless.

“Betelgeuse?” Nothing.

Astrid placed her hand over her mouth.

“This isn’t funny. Wake up.” Lydia implored her voice cracking, nudging him. Still nothing.

Astrid was right. He’s gone, this time for good. She could feel her heart ache the longer she looked at him. Seeing him like this felt so wrong. He always had so much energy, so much life. Did Delores steal his soul? She wondered, holding his hand. For so many years she feared his return and now she can’t picture life without him. She never even got to tell him how she really felt.

Carefully, she leaned over him, their faces so close that if he could breathe she would feel it, instead all she could feel was the cold dampness coming up from the ground. “I love you Betelgeuse.” She spoke in a soft voice, hoping that somehow, somewhere he would hear her. Then she placed her lips gently upon his, lingering there for a few seconds before turning away and closing her eyes, unable to look at him for another second.

“Lyds?” A familiar voice spoke. A voice that wasn’t her’s or Astrid’s. She opened her eyes and saw Betelgeuse looking up at her, only he looked different than he had a couple minutes ago. He had messy blonde hair, blue eyes, and was no longer pale and dead looking with mold all over him. Did true love’s kiss work after all?

She let out a gasp and pulled him into a hug. “I thought I lost you.” She cried into his shoulder.

“It’d take a lot more than that to get rid of me babes.” She noticed her voice wasn’t as gruff as it used to be.

Slowly they got up off the ground, still holding on to each other. Lydia took a moment to examine his features. Betelgeuse felt his cheeks becoming hot under her gaze. “Whatddya think?” He asked nervously. She tilted her head and gently stroked the side of his face. He leaned into her hand and placed a quick kiss on her palm.

“Does this mean you’re mortal again?” She asked.

“I think so. There’s one way to find out.” Lydia immediately caught on to what he meant. She was hesitant at first. She didn’t want him to go.

“It’ll be ok.” He assured her. She quickly looked at Astrid, who gave her a slight nod to continue.

“Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice…” They all held their breath as she spoke it one more time. “Beetlejuice.” Nothing happened. He didn’t disappear or change. It was finally over.

He let out a sigh of relief. No longer would he disappear if someone said his name too many times and he was going to test that even further with Lydia later. Right now, he would settle for another kiss. One he would actually be awake for.

Gently, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. Lydia could feel blush forming on her face as they stared into each other’s eyes. “I love you.” He told her, planting a kiss on her lips. His lips felt just as soft as they did the first time she kissed him, only warmer. Lydia slowly ran her hands up his chest and around his neck, deepening the kiss. He let out a soft moan as she did so. How long he waited for this moment to finally be able to kiss her.

Astrid suddenly felt awkward and looked away, fiddling with her phone instead trying to let them have their moment. They deserved it after all. Finally Betelgeuse and Lydia had their happy ending.

“Wanna get hitched babe?” Betelgeuse asked when they had to stop for air. Lydia chuckled and kissed him again. Same old Betelgeuse. “Hell yeah!”

the end

(tag list: @msshadows97 )

[lucywritesagain]

I wouldn't say no

꒰ა ˚₊ ✧・┈﹕Loki masterlist ꒰ ᐢ｡- ༝ -｡ᐢ ꒱ Navigation ﹕┈・𐑺 ‧₊˚໒꒱

Please note that this story is a repost from my old blog @lucywrites02.

Summary: Loki pays you a visit, saying that Bubbles- his cat- may be allergic to Thor. Is Loki serious or is it another excuse to hang out with you?

Word count: 0.7k

“You again?”

That was the way you greeted Loki as you walked into your office- a few folders under your arm and a box of medical gloves in the other. Your white coat flew behind you with every step like a cape, making you feel like in a movie. In all those years working as a vet it had never gotten bored.

“It’s nice to see you, too.” The trickster replied with a playful smile.

“What seems to be the problem, buddy?” You leaned over the table and gently patted your little friend’s head who purred in approval. “Why did your dad bring you here this time?”

“I think he’s allergic to Thor.” Loki said.

“Ha, that’s a good one!” You giggled, but stopped when you noticed their dead serious expression. “That’s a joke, right? Tell me you’re joking.”

“Why would I?” The god put his hands in the pockets of his dark blue jeans- something they didn’t wear often. “I noticed that Bubbles acts differently every time my brother visits.”

You weren't sure if it was a prank or if Loki really thought his cat could be allergic to his brother. The first time you met the god they barged into your office right before closing because the cat he just adopted was sleeping too much and refused to leave until you explained to him how the cat's body worked in great detail. You found it sweet how much Loki cared about that little creature and how eager they were to learn more. And what better way to learn than to take your information from the professionals? The second time they visited was to give Bubbles his vaccines and make a file for him. One time Loki ran into your office while you were in the middle of examining Clair- a beautiful ball python who has been your patient since the day she hatched- just to tell you that Bubbles made a chirping noise while watching birds and if it was normal for a cat to do this.

“Different? How?” You straighten your back, giving all your attention to the trickster.

“He’s really affectionate with Thor and he always hated people”

“Let me get this clear-” you had to hold your laugh for Loki’s sake. You were a professional after all and Loki- although a friend- was still your client. “You think Bubbles is sick because he likes Thor?”

“Obviously.”

“Alright.” You sighed and put on a new pair of gloves. You pretended to examine your little friend, feeling Loki’s eyes on you. Thankfully Bubbles was a very brave patient and you never had much problems with him. He even let you touch his belly. That’s why instead of looking for the cause of the cat’s ‘unusual behaviour’ you just tickled him here and there- which he really liked.

“If you wanted to ask me out you could have just said so. Or you could always just call me.” You have my number.” You broke the silence while still giving all of your attention to Bubbles, who happily flipped on his back, demanding belly scratches.

“I’m not- that’s not-” The god of mischief stuttered, suddenly taking an interest in that one picture of your dog on the wall. You have figured out his little plan and that was just embarrassing to him.

“I wouldn’t say no.” You smiled, looking directly at Loki who was still refusing to meet your eyes.

“Pardon?” The god asked, surprised.

“If you asked me out I wouldn’t say no.” You left Loki speechless. Their heart was beating like crazy and his mind was completely empty. “You know how much I love it when you and Bubbles pay me a visit every 2 hours, but I have other patients waiting for me so….”

“Oh yes, that’s-” The god took his cat into his arms and awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, thinking about their next move. “So if I asked whether you had time for dinner tonight you wouldn’t say no?” The god of mischief asked, still unsure of your answer.

“Only if you pay.”

“I guess it’s a date then.” Loki opened the door to finally exit your office. Their heart was still beating fast and almost stopped when you said-

“I guess it is.”