#dread reflection

[dreadreflection-if]

It always ends the same.

A glimmer of hope (𝙩𝙤𝙤 𝙩𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙯𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙩𝙤 𝙞𝙜𝙣𝙤𝙧𝙚) snuffed out before they can reach it. A promise of absolution (𝙩𝙤𝙤 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙚) broken once more.

They rage at the world around them. At the prison they can never escape, hemmed in by mist and shadow. At the shackles of fate that bind them, constricting around their throat - their eyes - their hands; coiling (𝙩𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙚𝙧) until the fight is squeezed out of them completely. Without anger to fuel them, they are forced to submit - forced to acknowledge the feelings they had buried long ago.

Disappointment. (𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙠𝙣𝙚𝙬 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙚𝙣?)

Frustration. (𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙨?)

Despair. (𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙝𝙤𝙡𝙡𝙤𝙬 𝙘𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙩𝙮 𝙤𝙛 𝙖 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙣𝙤 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙡?)

Spirit shattered, they are made a puppet of destiny once again.

And as they scour the Mists and the jails trapped within - searching for that glimmer that ever eludes them - they wonder how long a puppet can last before it 𝙗𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙠𝙨 altogether.

Far beyond, in a place unknowable, the Dark Powers smile as they pull the strings they have nurtured for millennia.

(𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙘𝙮𝙘𝙡𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙚𝙬.)

A Dread Reflection is an upcoming 18+ horror interactive fiction game based in the D&D setting of Ravenloft. The game is currently in early development and is being made with Twine.

Content warnings for the game include: graphic violence, blood, injury, mental illness, body horror, psychological horror, kidnapping, death, strong language, and optional suggestive content. More warnings may be added as development progresses. Please read at your own discretion.

DEMO (TBA)

It was supposed to be the happiest day of your life. With a new ring on your hand and your childhood friend by your side, your future was supposed to be spent in comfort and married bliss.

A shame the only thing adorning your hands that day was a stain of red you weren’t sure would ever wash off.

Forced to flee into the dangerous Mists to escape a horrible fate, you stumble into Vhage Agency with nothing but the clothes on your back and a life in shambles. Whether out of pity or desperation, Vera Vhage makes you an offer: join her detective agency and become her eyes and ears within Ravenloft.

With no other choice, you agree and begin your investigative training in earnest.

You’re not sure what you expected to happen when you finally became a certified investigator months later. It certainly wasn’t the arrival of a suspicious letter at the agency's doorstep, promising answers to the burning questions you had about your past. Answers you would get only if you proved yourself to the mysterious sender.

With letter in hand, you set off determined to find out more about that fateful day. Whether you burn for revenge or wish to put your ghosts to rest, what you must do next is clear:

Seven cases. (𝙎𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙨.) Stop them before it’s too late.

Fully customizable MC - including gender, pronouns, physical appearance, personality, sexuality, and some background elements.

Choose your stats and select from several classes and skills to craft the perfect investigator. Are you dexterous and perceptive enough to find what you need while sneaking in the shadows? Perhaps your natural charisma can persuade those around you to divulge their worst secrets? Maybe the gifts (curses) you have gained can help you (crush everyone in your way)?

Make rolls to see just how well you succeed at your chosen actions - or how spectacularly you fail. Not to worry, though: failure isn’t always the end. It may lead to new outcomes and opportunities you weren’t expecting.

Meet a cast of nine companions for you to befriend or romance (or betray). Will you claw past their walls and find a place in their hearts? (Will you drag them into the darkness with you?)

Solve all seven cases detailed in the letter and find out the truth of your past. Remember, though - Ravenloft is not a gentle place. You may find more in your investigations than you bargained for.

(Repeat the cycle. Break the cycle. 𝙄𝙩 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙖𝙢𝙚.)

The Broken One

F/M/NB - Romanceable by all MCs

You watch as they run into the distance, the fog of the moors swirling around them like a loving embrace. Their own embrace still lingers on your cooling skin - the memory of it warm and comforting and painful. It conjures other memories in your mind, filling you with nostalgia and longing. Taunting you with the life you took for granted until now. Our Guardian in the Mists, you pray as the last air in your lungs passes the smile on your lips. Protect and guide them on their way now that I cannot. You know this is dangerous, to yearn and mourn so deeply while you lay upon the ground. While the red puddle underneath you spreads and your skin goes from cooling to cold. Everyone in Mordent is told from childhood what happens when you cling too desperately to a life that is no longer yours. Those unlucky enough even witness it firsthand. But despite the risk, you do not look away - even as the fog grows thicker and their figure blurs in the mist. Even as the blur grows stronger from the tears you do not allow yourself to shed.

Your tears and smile remain even after your soul departs.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Ghost

F - Romanceable by all MCs

As the last notes of your lute drift across the Crystal Club, you cannot help but tense with anticipation. The cheers of the audience bring a dazzling smile to your lips, and you take a practiced bow as their applause reverberates within the room. Straightening, you sweep your eyes across the crowd and scan the faces there. Instinctively, you search for a face you always hope you will see. Consciously, you search for a face you always pray you will not. Finding neither, you sigh both in relief and disappointment as you reluctantly leave the safety of the stage to maneuver through the venue. Praise and invitations to drink shower down upon you as you go, but you wave them away with a quip and a smile. Tonight you are restless, your skin burning and itching with something you can’t quite name - your soul howling with something you don’t quite want to. Finally reaching the chill night air, you breathe in deeply and turn your head to the night sky to watch the full moon shining past the clouds.

In the shadows of the cave behind you, a sharp smirk widens as even sharper claws glint in the moonlight.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Mists

M - Romanceable by all MCs

With a sigh, you unceremoniously drop the tome you have urgently studied throughout the night. It was supposedly a long lost relic from the hidden libraries of Scholomance - or so the traveling peddler hawking it had claimed. You knew it was a scam even before your coins entered her palms, but continuous disappointments such as this have made you grow desperate in your search. Some have called you foolish to hunt so fervently for knowledge you are unsure exists. On days where the hellish shadow of your past clings less tightly to your mind, you can even swallow your pride and acknowledge the truth in their words. But as you watch tendrils of fog pool at the windows of the caravan you travel in - the Mists surrounding you almost seeming to push against the glass - you know this cannot deter you. You would rather be a fool one thousand times over than return to what you were before. You will find the knowledge you seek and escape this wretched existence.

Even if you must destroy the world around you to do so.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Marionette

NB - Romanceable by all MCs

Walking the streets of Ludendorf at night has always been your favorite pastime. The quiet stillness of the desolate roads is a balm to your anxious mind, and the smog-covered snow drifting from the sky adds a sense of peace to the city. Here, there is no judgement or prejudice: the snow does not care whose skin it falls upon. It does not care where that skin has been - or who that skin used to belong to. A shame the same cannot be said for people. Their fearful gazes and hurled insults replay in your mind if you can even call it your own, and your hands shake from these recollections as you stare at the snow falling upon them. In a rare moment of selfishness, you decide to drink in this peace while you can. You know from prior experience that as soon as the man you carry over your shoulder awakens, this calm will be shattered immediately. He will look at you with that same gaze and scream those same insults as soon as he sees what hides underneath your hood.

The dead flesh haphazardly stitched together is a sight straight out of his worst nightmares, after all.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Executioner

F/M/NB - Romanceable by all MCs

The wooden door in front of you creaks as it eases open, and you wince slightly as every eye in the tavern swivels towards you. Straightening your posture, you steadily approach the counter across the room. The clanking of your sabatons is the only sound echoing in the silence that now permeates the air. You are used to the glares burning into your back and the contempt you can feel within them, which is why your smile does not falter when the owner informs you there are no vacancies left for the night. Though you may have defended the town from a zombie swarm mere hours ago, a Knight of the Shadows is never welcomed by those they protect. You feel your left hand twitch as it subtly inches to your blade, a pressure beginning to build in your temples. The voice that appears in your mind is both familiar and unwelcome, and it gives a shrill cackle as you ignore the hex it viciously chants. Clenching your twitching hand into a fist, you stride out into the night and resolve to continue on to the next town in need of help.

Maybe there you will finally find the one you swore your oath to all those years ago - someone you will actually be happy to defend.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Beast

F - Romanceable by f!MCs and nb!MCs

As you feel your fist connect with the jaw of the woman before you, you do not even try to stop the feral grin that splits your lips at the sound of snapping bones. Your opponent stumbles back with a hiss, clutching at her lower face as she bares her teeth in a snarl. Before she can recuperate, however, you are on her once again: your clawed hands digging into her temples as she is lifted off the ground, desperately thrashing. You had expected more of a challenge from a member of the notorious Kargatane when you found this woman sniffing around the camp during your nightly patrol, but so far she has been nothing but a disappointment. Thankfully, you can make this woman give you more than a subpar fight. Squeezing her head even tighter, you feel her anger and terror flow into you, ebbing the hunger that is ever present. You drink these feelings in until you are satiated, then crush her body to you in one sudden movement. Roughly yanking her head to the side, your smile widens as you lean in closer.

The woman cannot even scream before a flash of your fangs silences her forever.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Seer

M - Romanceable by m!MCs and nb!MCs

Just like every other night, you dream. Disjointed and often blurry scenarios flood your mind at a rapid rate, each one demanding to be seen - to be heard - to be remembered. Try as you might, you are powerless to ignore them as they play out before you. You look into probably the past and see a child running through the woods, an unknown horror doggedly pursuing them. You look into the maybe future and witness a family torn asunder as the thing that now wears their father’s face preys upon their fears. Time itself distorts to show you these visions, assaulting your senses with realities both false and true until you can barely tell what is the past future truth. Just like every other night, you wake disoriented and nauseous with a scream silenced by ancient magic choking your throat. Shaking, you cover your mouth and wonder what accursed fool would call something like this a gift: even more than the magic that silences your tongue, this power feels like a curse meant to cause perpetual suffering.

Once more, like every other night, you soundlessly weep in a present you want no part of.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Donjon

NB - Romanceable by all MCs

Obscured by mist and shadow, you lurk underneath the canopy of the dense forest and survey the city it borders. A slight wind blows at the fog that envelops you, causing it to swirl and shift into strange shapes. The absence of any sound save the wind’s soft howling only adds to the eerie atmosphere of your surroundings, but you pay it no mind. As an investigator, you are used to environments like this, allowing you to focus on your task. It was only a few days ago that a cryptic letter arrived at your door, foretelling the reappearance of a semicentennial crime spree that none had solved before. At first you dismissed it as an exaggeration, but after poring over the periodicals and papers at your disposal you scrounged up enough clues to prove it was true. Solving this when others could not would finally give you what you always desired: indisputable proof that you have surpassed your instructors and become the best in the field. Almost immediately, you set off to the location detailed in the letter - a city of lies and betrayal.

Here, the greatest case of your career is about to begin. Here, you will prove yourself once and for all.

introduction / playlist / tag

The Tempter

NB - Romanceable by all MCs

Seated on a pew in the Great Cathedral, you cannot help but smile at the beautiful sight before you. The light shining through the stained glass windows creates a dazzling array of colors that reflect on the church floor - each one painting a mosaic onto the pale stone below. Within the kaleidoscope made by the grandest window sits a young man in priestly garments and shackles, flanked by figures in dark robes with grim expressions. The man rocks and babbles as the inquisitors stare down at him, the few coherent thoughts left in his mind forced out into the open by psychic coercion. He speaks of a figure with blood-red lips and haunting eyes who appeared in his time of need. He raves about his home, a far-off hamlet at the edge of this domain - set ablaze with no survivors. A necessary tragedy to combat the evil he saw in his neighbors’ hearts - or so the figure claimed. Madness swirls in the priest’s eyes as he is dragged off to the cellars below - eyes that widen when they land on your figure sitting in the light.

With a smirk of your red lips, you saunter out of the cathedral to the sounds of his howls and cries - ready to search for the next mind to corrupt.

introduction / playlist / tag

Vera Vhage

F - Mentor and owner of Vhage Agency

As mysterious as she is intelligent, Vera remains an enigma even months after your first meeting. She says little about herself, and any questions about her past are waved away with a shrug and a smile. If you want to get closer to your puzzling mentor, you’ll have to put all your training to the test. Will your deductive skills be good enough to unveil the secrets she hides? Or will she forever be hidden behind smoke and mirrors?

introduction / tag (coming soon)

???

??? - ???

You sense it in your moments of solitude on the road: a piercing gaze that sends icy chills down your spine. It bores into you, pinning you in place. Every aspect of yourself feels like it is on display for this stranger - even your very soul. However, try as you might, you can never spot the perpetrator when the scrutiny finally ends. They seem to fade away like mist as soon as you return their attention. Who is this elusive figure that follows your every move - and are you better off not knowing?

introduction / tag (coming soon)

[mozzaremi]

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

a lil while back i had a dream where there was a giant hippo in the road with moose antlers. i've never climbed a tree faster

[an-established-butt-dent]

Dragon Age Inquisition, Solas

POV you find out Solas hates tea.

Acrylic ink and Posca markers on bamboo paper.

[cabozers]

never posted this?

[basically-queenberyl]

I think the reason I get so frustrated and annoyed when people tell me to not be so hard on myself about my routines and that I “don’t have to do it ALL the time, because it’s not the end of the world if I miss one thing,” is because when I don’t do it once or twice, I’ll drop it for like 3 months and feel like my whole life got derailed.

[skrunksthatwunk]

FINISHED GAIDEN

[seagull-scribbles]

𝔄𝔱 𝔩𝔞𝔰𝔱, 𝔰𝔥𝔢Ⴆҽ ɱį̷̩̠̯͇̆͗͂̕n̸̥̩̬̈́̀̃͝ͅͅe - ̴̧͇̻̳͚͕͉̱͚͇͐̍͛̈́m̵̛͇̓̌̋͂͆̒̇í̴̫̠́̓͗̂͝n̴̛͕̺̳͕̼͙͖̓́̈͊̑͛͂͠e̴̢͚̙̹̝̪̾͌̃̑̔̔͆͝ ̶̬̐̔̃̈́͊͗̄̏̔͘f̵̢̟̻̰̼̲̄͋͗̇̚͝ǫ̴͇̙͚͓̦̭̳̰̘̅̔͋̉r̷͙̬͍̐͆̇͊̃̕͠͝ẽ̵̡͔̘̺̝͇̻͇̄̂̌̈́̕ͅv̵̡̺̭̟̠̳̯̤͈͚̋̇̋ḙ̴̣̟̱̣̼̿̿͋̒͒̕͘͝͠͠ͅͅͅr

[dreadreflection-if]

How would I react if the next time they meet the mc they see that mc is wearing necklace with an engagement ring in it? (And if they didn't already know it was for them before they died, how would they react if when they ask about it mc just smile sadly and say "i mean, they're back now but i don't know if it's a good idea anymore... I love them, i really do, but i don't want to get my hopes up just to be hurt again..."

😭😭😭

I’m going to do the version where I doesn’t know it’s for them. The first one is… Actual Spoilers.🤐 Also, I’m assuming they both had unresolved feelings before The Incident.

Sorry this one took a bit longer, it kind of got out of hand… as you can see.😅 I need to work on cutting down on the set-up in the future… And maybe have longer ones like this be a once in a while thing. Hope you don’t mind the length, anon.😣

I’ll put it under a read more because, try as I might, there’s still gonna be some spoilery details. I just be like that.🤷‍♀️

———

As you both sit within the dim lighting of your cramped room, huddled together between stacks of tomes and papers, I stares at you.

They’re supposed to be helping you prepare for the next case in your letter by searching the records hemming you in, but at some point I glanced over to ask you a question and realized they couldn’t look away.

They’ve noticed that happening a lot, since you found each other again.

It’s because you’re different from how they remember. Not drastically - they can tell it hasn’t been that long since your parting - but it’s like coming back to a place you call home and realizing that it’s changed in your absence; that time didn’t stop turning while you were gone.

It’s these changes that draw I’s gaze. Freckles on spots where there used to be none. A ring hanging from a chain round your neck. Faint scars cutting across your skin, never fully healed. A ring hanging from a chain round your neck. Weariness in your eyes that was not there when they left you.

A ring hanging from a chain round your neck.

If they still had any breath to draw, they think it would have died on their lips.

It’s not one they recognize from your years together: it’s too pristine, and worth more than even your families would normally spend. Whoever the accessory belongs to, they must have spent a small fortune. They must also mean a great deal to you - why else would you keep their engagement ring so close to your heart?

Of course, whispers a small voice in their mind. You are always too late. Too late to save them. Too late to keep them. Too late, too late, too late -

“You’re staring, I.”

They startle, blinking as they are yanked out of their spiraling thoughts. You’ve turned from the book you were flipping through and are now studying them instead. They hate that they can’t read the look on your face. They always used to know what you were thinking.

…Would the owner of that ring know what was in your mind right now?

“Sorry,” they manage to breathe out past the lump in their throat. “I wasn’t aware.”

You give them a small smile, eyes still filled with that strange mix of emotions they can’t define. Slowly, as if approaching a wild animal, you reach over and lay your hand on top of theirs. The warmth from your touch is still alien to them after so long apart, and they feel their fingers twitch in surprise. Idly, they wonder what the contact feels like to you - can you even sense anything underneath your palm?

“Something’s troubling you,” you say after a few moments. It’s a statement, not a question. I tries not to grimace, but they can tell their mouth still pulls into a frown.

“Not at all!” they reply, too quickly. They’re sure a blush is forming on their face as they try again. “It’s - it’s nothing. I’m fine.”

You hum in acknowledgement, but you also don’t stop staring, which means you aren’t convinced. If this were the past, I would have kept insisting they were alright - that there was nothing for you to worry about.

If this were the past, they would have avoided the subject and ran away.

Look where that got them, though: sitting on a floor they barely feel beneath them while you proudly wear a token of someone else’s affection. So even though they can’t move their gaze from your joined hands, they still find the courage to ask their next question.

“That ring…” they begin, clenching the hand you don’t hold when they feel you stiffen. “Is it - I mean, uh, whose - who does it belong to?”

You’re quiet for so long that the air becomes stifling. Congratulations, I, the voice in their mind snarks. You just had to be nosy. They’ll never talk to you again.

Before they can fully panic, you finally reply. “It’s mine,” you say with a carefully neutral voice. “I bought it for someone, but - “ A pause. “ - well, they never got it, as you can see.” I hates the self-deprecating laugh that accompanies the last part.

They wish they were brave enough to see what face you make. An uncomfortable silence follows your confession, and I searches for the words to soothe you. What do they even say? ‘I’m sorry?’ ‘Their loss?’

‘Choose me instead’, supplies their traitorous mind, but they squash that thought before it hurts the both of you.

“I see,” is all they manage, and if they knew how they would disappear right then and there.

“I could always give it to them now, I suppose…,” you continue, running your thumb over the ring’s surface, “but I’m not sure it’s a good idea. Getting my hopes up… would probably just hurt me again.” The hand still resting on I’s trembles.

I bites their lip, swallowing down the words that threaten to spill out - let me keep it, and I’ll make sure you never suffer again. A surefire way to destroy your rekindled friendship. Instead, they look at you and earnestly say, “They - they would be foolish not to accept it… whoever they are.”

The words taste bitter on their tongue, but the gentle smile that blooms on your face is worth the acridity.

“Thank you, I.” They watch your gaze become wistful as it turns to the hands still joined between you. “Maybe in the future, then.”

If they still had a heart to break, they think it would have shattered at that moment. Silently - selfishly - they send a prayer to Ezra, though it fills them with guilt and self-loathing.

A prayer that the future you hope for arrives long after they are gone.

[gingergari]

late ass splatoween drawing + blacktober drawing + more talia propaganda bc when it comes to drawing for an occasion you know i’ll be late 😤

[stackslip]

i really need to get thicker skin. i get a single rejection letter for volunteering and immediately want to kill myself or wipe my presence off the map and change my identiy completely

[bisexuallilapitts]

Doctor Who fandom has really opened my eyes to how negative I've been in the umbrella academy fandom for the past couple years and for that I thank them

[hiratelier]

Drawing 8 fullbodies for TWO of my characters has certainly taken a toll on me. Holy shit

[purecommemasolitude]

Charlie Brown and Linus’s friendship. Augh

[dreadreflection-if]

Defeat. Failure. Despair.

The loss of something or someone important...

...without which one feels incomplete.

Basics:

Name: Iris/Ian/Isa Winrow

Age: 24

Gender: F/M/NB (selectable)

Height: 5′5″

Orientation: Demisexual, omniromantic

Faith: Church of Ezra

Alignment: Neutral Good

Background:

For as long as they can remember, I has been by your side. Born to the wealthy Winrow family in the domain of Mordent, they were a sickly and isolated child who spent more time reading than interacting with others. A tragic event in their early childhood left them gravely paranoid and anxious, and this coupled with their frail constitution meant they had no social life to speak of. Their only companion during these early years was you - whether you wanted to be or not. As they grew older, I found safety and purpose in the beliefs of the Mordentish Sect of the Church of Ezra, joining their ranks to help others also haunted by events of the past. Their service to the church continued until they came of age, when a marriage of convenience was arranged between you for the sake of both your families.

A marriage that never actually came to pass.

I is now nothing more than a memory to you, left in the past. But the past haunts Mordent every moment - and I is no exception.

Characteristics:

I is a wise and intelligent person, both mentally and emotionally. Their insatiable appetite for knowledge has made them an expert in history, while their proficiency in religion and medicine comes from their dedication to their faith. Kind and gentle to a fault, I is willing to help whoever they can and seems incapable of holding grudges. Their isolation has instilled a sense of awkwardness into their mannerisms and speech, and they often have difficulty interacting with others.

Personality Trait: Nothing can shake my faith in the Lady of the Mists.

Personality Trait: I treat everyone with kindness and generosity, no matter who they are.

Ideal: Charity. I will use my life to help whoever I can, no matter what it costs me.

Bond: My best friend is the only one I have left. I will do anything to protect them.

Flaw: I can be slightly obsessive when it comes to my beliefs.

Appearance:

A bit on the shorter side, I could never be described as intimidating. They have a doe-eyed stare, the chartreuse color bright against their pale skin. Freckles litter their face and shoulders, covering the blue-green veins that appear through their skin. Their wispy chestnut brown hair is always in slight disarray: Ian wears his to just below his ears, with short bangs; Iris’ hair reaches her upper back, her longer bangs parted to each side; Isa has shorter bangs that also part to each side, their hair just brushing their shoulders. I tends to wear well-made but subdued clothing - favoring brown and darker green colors - and the years spent reading by candlelight have forced them to acquire a small pair of spectacles that they wear on occasion.

Specific content warnings for I’s route include: bullying, emotional abuse, and mental illness (anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD).

[sugarcraftcinemas]

Who blocked ya?

They want whats going on between us to be discreet so I'll just say its someone I interacted with on here recently who learned something that didnt make them very happy :') And I thought it was going so well, too... When I saw they were in denial I expected it to make them upset... but not this upset. I havent seen them for temp work either. Its... kind of taking a toll on me