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let-me-luve-you · 4 years

Text

Dr. Holland

Tom Holland x Sister

Summary: Tom’s big sister is the hardest working person he knows. He is extremely proud of her and he can’t stop himself from talking about her during an interview.

Warnings: Overworked, maybe some angst, loving siblings, mentions of doctor work

MASTERLIST

Tom sighed as he got a text from you saying that you were scheduled to work the one week he was home. Another message followed saying you only had to work three days instead of the normal five. You were an emergency room doctor and you worked a lot. Tom was proud of his older sister. She worked her but off through medical school to get where she was. Now she was working her butt off to get the position you really wanted, Pediatric Oncologist.

Tom had been filming Spider-Man in America when you were going through medical school. You would call him to keep you company while you were studying. And when time was on his side, he would quiz you. Tom never thought he was smart enough to become a doctor, but he knew enough to get by now.

It was early Wednesday morning when you pulled up at Tom’s house. You had gotten off work at 6am and stopped by your house to shower and change clothes. Tom had texted you last night that he had a few Zoom interviews this afternoon that would take a few hours of his time. Tom told you that you were free to sleep in his room after breakfast. But with only a few days with your brother, you decided you could sleep at night when they sleep.

You took the key Tom gave you for when you house sit and let yourself in. The house was quiet so you knew everyone was still asleep. You moved towards the kitchen. You sat your purse down and went straight to the coffee machine. Normally you would drink tea, but after a long night and soon to be long day, you needed all the help you could get to stay awake. While waiting on the coffee to be made, you took out all the pans and ingredients you would need to make breakfast. You decided to make breakfast burritos since those were your favorite and you didn’t get them often.

Halfway through cooking the sausage, bacon, and eggs, Tom walked in rubbing the sleep from his eyes, his hair flying every which way. He walked over to you and gave you a big hug. You smiled into his chest.

“Still short, I see.” Tom said with sleep lacing his voice.

“Still rude, I see.” You said back.

Tom squeezed you tighter, “I missed you.”

“Missed you to bubs.” You pulled back and watched him walk towards the coffee pot. You gave a small laugh and turned back to what was at hand.

“How’s the hospital been?” He asked as he sat on the counter next to the stove so he could see your face while he talked to you.

“It’s been good. Being in the ER means inconsistent hours and long shifts. Dr. Hamilton is planning on retiring in the next few months and he's told them my name as a replacement. Hopefully that works out so I can finally be a Pediatric Oncologist.” You said.

“I know you’ll get it and you'll be the best at your job.” Tom said matter of fact.

“Thanks. I hope I get it. If not, I may have to switch hospitals. I don’t think I can stay in the ER. I had night shifts this week. Day shifts last week. I went from day to night on Sunday. I had six hours off to rest since they made me work this weekend. They messed up the schedule but if I asked for Sunday night off, they were going to make me work the rest of the week.” You said taking all the food you just made to the island. Tom followed you and sat at the counter. You started fixing his burrito.

“I can make my own you know?” He said with a laugh. “But honestly. Stick it out. No one is more deserving of that position than you. You care for the kids and you know exactly what you are doing. Everything will work out. I’m so proud of you. Don’t know if I tell you that enough, but I am.”

“Thanks Tom.” You smiled at him. After making your burritos, you continued to talk about everything in your lives. He caught you up on the movies he was doing. He explained what the interviews were for. You just stared at him in awe as you saw the passionate look in his eyes when talking about acting.

A few hours after breakfast, you went to sit with Tom in his office. You laid out on the couch joking with him before his interview. Tom’s phone rang and he saw that it was his manager so he answered. Ten minutes later when he hung up he looked at you asleep on the couch. He stood up and grabbed the blanket and laid it across you. He knew that you would be out the whole time he did interviews as long as he didn’t make any sudden sounds. Tom was grateful the call through his computer rang through his AirPods. That sound would have woken you up and he knows you need sleep. Tom clicked the green answer button and was met with a smiling reporter.

“Hello Tom. How are you today?” The reporter asked.

“I’m doing great. How about yourself?” Tom asked back. Talking quieter than he normally would for something like this. His eyes drifted up to you to see if you moved and he didn’t even see you flinch.

“I’m doing great. Thank you for asking. So my name is Gerald. I’m with Buzzfeed. And I wanted to start this interview off asking what you’ve been up to these last few months.”

“Well, I’ve been in Germany working on a movie. Can’t go into detail just yet about it, but news will be dropping soon.” Tom checked one more time on you before he moved his full attention onto Gerald. “Sorry if I’m talking quieter than usual. My sister is asleep on my office couch. She’s been working like crazy lately so I didn’t have the heart to wake her.”

“Your volume is perfectly fine. If you don’t mind me asking, what does your sister do? We know about your other brothers since they are more involved in your line of work. They even travel with you. But we don’t really know a lot about your sister.” Gerald asked.

“My sister is amazing. Her name is Y/N. She’s a few years older than me. She is currently a doctor at one of the hospitals here in London. She’s been an emergency doctor but she is working towards becoming a Pediatric Oncologist.”

“That sounds fancy. What is that?” He asked.

“It’s a doctor that treats children with cancer. Y/N has worked so hard to get to that point. She’s so caring and loving and knows so much that I think she would be the perfect fit in any hospital in that position.”

“You sound proud of her.” Gerald said, pointing out the fact.

“I’m incredibly proud of her. She is just so amazing at everything but I was in the front row watching her work to this point. I wasn’t ever great at school and she was always working for those perfect grades. She would let me study with her so she could help when I needed it. I was her first call when she was accepted into med school. I remember crying when she told me that because I knew the work she had put in during undergrad to get there.” Tom said as he looked up at you. You were still sleeping soundly and Tom smiled at that.

“When I was filming Spider-Man: Homecoming, she would call me. It would be six or seven o’clock at night where I was and so I knew it was around midnight her time. She just wanted my company while she studied. She was so used to us working together she needed me there to help concentrate. She would email me her note cards and I would spend hours quizzing her. We were close before that, but we were almost inseparable after that. She’s my big sister and I love her and I’m so, so proud of her.”

“It sounds like it. It’s refreshing hearing you say such great things about your sister. I bet the whole family is proud of the both of you.” Gerald added.

“I know we are all proud of Y/N. For me, I know my family is proud, but what I do doesn’t even come close to what she does. After not seeing her for months due to COVID, any good I do, will never compare to the good she does.” Tom said thinking of those awful months you refused to see your family so you didn’t put them at risk.

“Well, tell her we appreciate the work she does. We would love to meet her sometime. You should bring her around a set or press tour sometime.”

Tom laughed. “I’ll have to try. She always turns me down though. Maybe if I film in London. But she does always make it to my premieres. Thankfully we almost always have one here in London, so it’s easier for her, but she’s made the trip to LA a couple of times.”

“Can’t wait to meet her one day.” Tom smiled at Gerald. “So you said you’ve been in Germany…”

Gerald continued with his interview. Once he was finished with that one he went right into the next. He spent three hours doing interviews and you never woke up once. He was grateful you were getting rest. When the final interview ended, Tom went over to you and gently picked you up. You stirred in his arms.

“Tom?” You said tiredly and confused. “Where are you taking me?”

“My room. You need more sleep and I need a nap. We can go out for dinner afterwards.” He said as he sat you on his bed. He walked to the other side.

“Okay.” You said rolling over towards him. “I love you bubs.” You whispered. Tom wrapped you in his arms and kissed you on the head.

“Love you too y/n/n.” He whispered back before you both fell asleep.

#tom holland #tom holland sister #tom holland x sister!reader #tom holland x sister #tom holland x holland!reader #tom holland x y/n #brother!tom holland x sister!reader #holland!reader #Holland!sister #tom holland imagines #tom holland fanfic #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland oneshot #tom holland rpf #tom holland real person fic #brother!tom holland

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samwritesforyou · 4 years

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For me

fandom: yuri on ice!!!

pairing: viktor x yuuri

word count: 6.4k

genres: established relationship, hurt/comfort, fluff

description: our favourite couple for the first time since s1 makes it both to the tournament, both as ice skaters this time. yuuri is sent to rostelekom cup, whereas viktor was selected to skate on the china cup. how will they sort out their separation and what will happen on the grand prix? will they finally debut as lovers-opponents on ice?

“What?!” Yuri exclaimed, his eyes flushing open even more violently than they were before, his gaze shooting from Viktor and back at the tv in the living room.

“Well, you heard it, I got selected to participate in China Cup and you in Rostelekom Cup, Yuuri,” his husband shrugged with a light smile, leaning in for another kiss as they were laying both on the sofa, cuddling under the same blanket.

“Nononono, how can you be so calm about this?!” Yuuri pulled away from him, intensely continuing in watching ice-skating news.

“We still have Grand Prix to attend together, I doubt either of us won’t make it there, dumpling,” he mused, at least brushing his lover’s cheek with his fingers.

“Are you going away from each other for at least a week then?!” yelled Yuuri’s ballet teacher from the armchair behind them, quickly hopping to their side.

“I don’t know! Apparently!” yelped dark haired guy, now being violently shaken by Minako.

If you didn’t know, currently the worldwide famous couple Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov were on a short holiday from all the training and skating, residing at Katsuki family house, just enjoying their time together.

Because both of them were often abroad, they left Makkachin here, since Yuuri’s family takes an excellent care of him and a happy doggo has a lot of space to run around the place.

So now he was loved by these two over the moon, being kissed and patted all the time.

Ever since they returned they were always surrounded by Katsuki family, the only time when they were truly alone was when they got out of the house and went for a walk in nature or at night in their shared room.

It might seem like a lot, but they were doing just fine, everything was perfect.

Viktor was talking about “debuting” together both as ice-skaters at the tournament for the first time and Yuuri got fired up by the idea as well.

They foolishly believed that they would be able to do it even before Grand Prix.

But destiny has its own way and now they’ll have to wait.

So that’s why the younger man was so emotional about the news, while Viktor was just sure that their “debut” together will happen a bit later than they anticipated.

He was calm, when Yuuri was worried, he was angry when his partner was reassuring. They were really the perfect couple.

Soon enough it was time to part as they arrived at the airport.

“Babe, why did you go with me this early?” Viktor smiled tenderly at his partner, placing a light peck on his cheek, “Are you forgetting that I’m the one who’s accustomed to flights and not you?” he kept smiling sweetly, looking at his husband, eyes filled with love and affection.

Yuuri was hardly listening to any of the things that were being said to him, his eyelids basically glued together, blue-ish bags under them - clearly all this rolling around in bed wasn’t because he was dreaming about something, he simply wasn’t sleeping.

Viktor’s flight was at 4am, yet he looked like he was just freshly out of the spa salon, hair on fleek, light make-up made, outfit styled.

Yuuri’s flight was, on the contrary, at 9am, so he could easily still be sleeping in their cosy bed, but he really wanted to be with his love as long as he could.

“You’re adorable,” Nikiforov said, chuckling to himself and then hugged him tightly, only then letting his guard down and actually biting his lower lip, eyes filling with sadness, “I’m going to miss you, Yuuri,” he sighed near his ear.

The man in his arms got a bit more wide awake by that, clutching his coat and trying to get closer to him, even though their bodies were already pressed firmly together.

“Viktor.. best of luck. I love you so much,” he said quietly, breathing his familiar scent while being snuggled in the crook of his neck, eyes closed.

“I love you too, baby,” he answered and pulled away, encouraging smile already plastered on his face.

He wants to give all the strength to his husband so he doesn’t have to worry about him.

“You need to go already, come on..” Yuuri nodded at him, shooing him away, trying to fight tears.

It’s just a week, come on!.. he thought to himself, wobbly smile threatening to fall any second.

“Okay, okay. See you very soon,” he leaned in for the quick kiss and then pulled away, dragging his silver coloured luggage by the handle, waving and sending air-kisses, not letting their eye-contact fall until the very end.

Yuuri felt tears rolling down his cheeks and he let himself have this little cry in the middle of the airport at 4am, after a while just waddling towards the closest chair and collapsing there, falling asleep.

Both of the parties made it safely to their destinations, settling into hotels and making themselves comfortable.

As soon as Viktor was free, Yuuri felt his phone ring and immediately jumped to it from his bed, hitting answer with a camera.

“My love, how did Saint Petersburg welcome you?” Viktor asked excitedly, for some reason with a glass of champagne in his skinny hands.

The man on the other end was instantly reminded of the memory of numerous insisting taxi drivers offering him a ride to wherever he needed for a cheap price, then some older women bickering in the public transport, but most importantly one little girl that recognised him as a “famous ice skater who married our Vitya Nikiforov” and wanted to take a picture with him. To which he obliged happily, even though he was tired from the road.

“Wonderfully,” he answered with a warm smile, looking at his phone screen, wishing the man he’s seeing was right next to him right now.

“Amazing to hear that,” he sipped on the bubbly liquid and smiled, even though his eyes were clearly indicating how much he’s battling sadness.

“Viktor?..” Yuuri started, kinda nervous. He wasn’t the confrontational type, really.

But he felt like his other half was trying to put on a brave face just so he doesn’t have to worry, but Katsuki did feel all his sadness even miles away.

At that, Viktor’s blue eyes shifted to look at him directly.

“Look.. I’m sad that we can’t be together right now, especially during the tournament time,” Japanese said, rubbing his hands in front of himself, “but I feel like you’re trying to act that it doesn’t bother you that much, maybe.. for me not to worry about you?”

Nikiforov’s thin brows knitted together, glass being slowly put aside.

“But you don’t have to do that. We can be.. I don’t know, sad together? I still see your longing in the eyes, you can’t really hide that,” he concluded softly, smiling almost apologetically, that he had to make this into such a big deal.

It looked as if some weight was literally lifted from Viktor’s shoulders, as he just plumped himself onto the couch he’s been sitting on, phone firmly in hand, placed above his face.

Suddenly his brows started to go up and Yuuri saw first tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I just miss you,” he said quietly, wiping them off with the free hand.

“I miss you too,” Yuuri said, his own eyes watering as he laughed a bit at how ridiculous they were being.

It was less than a day without each other.

“You know what, Yuuri Katsuki,” said Viktor, laughing already as well, but not being able to stop crying just yet, “being in a relationship with you is the most wild thing that ever happened to me,” he finished, shaking his head with a wide smile on his face.

“I know right?” his partner answered, filling the audio with laughter.

When Yuuri’s phone rang, the whole room was still dark, the sun didn’t even think of getting up, so why the hell should he?..

It kept ringing, sending a lovely melody through the space.

Caller was a stubborn one, that’s for sure. And ice-skater was almost entirely sure of who that might be.

“Good morning, my not so early bird!” literally sang into the device Viktor, mood thousand times better than what Yuuri was experiencing in the current moment.

“Not so early?.. Did you forget about the timezones, because here it’s 6am!” Katsuki sighed in disbelief, making himself sit on the bed, rubbing his tired eyes.

“Oh.. that’s true! I completely forgot,” Viktor laughed, which made Yuuri involuntarily melt into the warm smile, despite his half-awake state.

“I was just wondering, Yuurochka, do you want me to guide you through St. Petersburg? Because our choreographies are well learned and I believe you can sometimes go into that lovely city!” Viktor smiled at the camera, blue eyes flicking from one side to another.

What was he looking at?..

“Uhh.. yeah, sure! Sad that we can’t be here together, but even through the phone it’ll be nice, I think,” Yuuri smiled sleepily, putting his phone on the stand on the bedside table and opened his luggage where he packed just some clothes, charger, earphones, costumes for the performance and figure skates.

They often did this with his husband, just video call together and each of them doing their own thing, kind of a simulation of their normal life when they’re next to each other in flesh.

“Darling?” black haired boy looked up at the camera, in hands with his picked outfit for the day - grey sweater and dark denim jeans.

When Viktor saw that he has his lover’s attention, he smiled sweetly, “I noticed you have two zits on your face, so apply some cream on it, will you?”

Yuuri blinked a few times comically and then yelped, running to the bathroom to see for himself. And he was right.

No, wait. He wasn’t.

Japanese skater had three zits, it’s just that Viktor probably couldn’t see the other one due to the camera quality.

“Thank god,” Katsuki sighed and then returned in front of his phone.

“I will,” he said and started doing it right away, pushing out some white cream out of the tube that his husband specifically bought him. Probably something expensive, as most things from him were.

Then he didn’t really give this any thought, but he started undressing right in front of his phone as well, putting glasses aside, stripping off the white tee and then pulling over his head some black shirt and then grey sweater.

Once he was also done with the bottom half of his body he heard a whistle from the other end of the line.

His hazel eyes immediately shot up to the screen where Viktor was watching him intensely, smug grin on his face.

“I was glad to witness your dressing up session, babe, such a shame I can’t be next to you right now,” he sighed theatrically loudly, putting slender hand to his forehead, making it seem as if he’s fainting from the longing.

Yuuri, on the other hand, was more and more turning violent crimson, mumbling something indecipherable and putting on his glasses, taking the phone in his hand so now ice skater Nikiforov could only see his husband’s flustered face.

“Shut up, Viktor, let’s head out,” he said, furrowing and making the man on the other end laugh heartily.

Then it was time for the handsome man with platinum hair to be surprised and blink comically.

“Uh... head out?” he asked, not really getting it.

“Well, it’s not gonna be fair if I’m the only one who’s going out to see your city when you’re sitting comfortably inside, is it?” now Yuuri was the owner of the mischievous smirk, looking at his partner with pleased face expression.

“Ah, you’re so smart sometimes, baby,” Viktor teased and then went to change his clothes as well, but as it turned out he didn’t have any clothes under his robe, so Yuuri had to quickly avert his gaze to prevent any undesired “excitement”.

After all, Viktor’s body was always such a treat, even thousand miles away.

“Aw, you weren’t looking?” said Russian in a pouty manner, when he turned back to face the camera.

“W-what?! Of course not, let’s go,” Yuuri mumbled, putting a scarf a bit higher to cover even bigger portion of his face.

He didn’t really experience winter in Russia yet, but he was prepared.

When Katsuki was out and about St. Petersburg’s streets, Viktor had absolutely no problem guiding him through all of the corners that he knew and that normal tourists don’t get to see, all of that while he himself was striding through completely unfamiliar Chinese neighbourhood, every once in a while being called by fans and had to stop to take a picture and give autographs.

Nobody noticed Yuuri outside, maybe it was because he wasn’t that popular yet, despite being Viktor’s husband, but most probably it was because his face was a literal mess.

His brownish scarf was covering half the face and his glasses were foggy most of the time because he kept breathing into the cloth and thus all the air was brought back onto the surface of his lenses.

Viktor made Yuuri go all the way to his most memorable café of all times and he also recommended him to order his favourite dessert there, leaving the beverage choice up to him.

Younger man of course trusted Viktor’s tastebuds and got himself a relatively small cupcake, decorated astonishingly with cream in form of leaves and a rose on top of that.

He bit right into it, tasting all the magical flavour of the dessert, making Viktor melt into a warm smile while watching him munch on it.

Nikiforov himself had to go into some Chinese café as well, to make it seem as a date, as if they’re really together. And it kinda worked, he was full of love for his partner, rarely thinking about how much he’d want to see him in real life instead of the phone screen.

As the days went on, both of them spend a lot of time training, sometimes even on the call when practicing, looking at each other’s progress and cheering one another.

Every once in a while their schedules met and they could go on a “virtual date” of sorts, Yuuri being navigated by his lover’s voice through the streets of St. Petersburg and Viktor finding himself some spot in the Chinese corners as well.

And on one of those walks Viktor led his husband to one of the prettiest parks, covered in snow, making Yuuri speechless from the beauty all around him.

“Hey, you!” he suddenly heard a voice that wasn’t coming from the phone, but rather somewhere behind him.

Japanese skater turned around and his eyes widened in light surprise as he saw a familiar figure in front of him.

“Baby? What’s up?” said Viktor from the device, being able to see now only Yuuri’s lower part of the face, because he put his phone instinctively closer to his body.

“Why aren’t you training, huh?” said younger lad, blonde hair covering half of his face.

There wasn’t a usual scowl planted on his features, rather just an arched brow in the question.

“I’m just.. taking a break! That’s healthy too,” Yuuri answered, smiling at his friend.

Ever since Nikiforov and Katsuki got officially married, Yurio lay off of his aggressive behaviour towards the latter one, accepting him as a part of his close friends circle now.

It was a nice change and Yuuri finally got the opportunity to get to know the teenager better, talking to him without bickering.

“Yurioooo, I can hear you all the way from China!” suddenly a loud statement was heard in a singing manner from the phone that Yuuri was holding near to his stomach and then he flipped the device in his hands so that both of the Russians could see each other through the camera.

Viktor was waving at his younger friend enthusiastically, apparently walking through some Chinese park as well.

“Yo,” blondie said, way less enthusiastically, just nodding into his direction, “kinda sucks that we didn’t meet on Rostelekom cup,” he added, adjusting his scarf so it’s less in his face.

Harsh Russian climate will make even Plisetsky wear something warm, huh.

“It’s okay, we’ll meet on the Grand Prix~” Viktor answered, not even for a second doubting any of their victories.

“That’s true,” Yurio smirked.

“Well, since you two met like this, why don’t you guys go and have lunch together? Would be a nice bonding time,” Nikiforov mused, his smile wide and pleased.

Yuuri was ready to start protesting, since he knew that the guy standing in front of him wasn’t a fan of companies, when his companion surprised him.

“Yeah, why not,” Yurio shrugged and then turned around, probably ready to guide him towards some restaurant.

“How splendid!” Viktor clapped his hands and when Yuuri finally turned the cellphone back to his face, he looked at his husband, “Have fun with Yurio, alright?” then he sent an air kiss to the camera and their hours-long call ended.

The week of the tournament was already at close, bringing the day of performances to light.

Both Yuuri and Yurio landed all their jumps, flips and quads, gaining best results, younger skater getting a bit more points for the artistic lifts of his hands, making the choreography difficulty higher.

Katsuki was trying to dial Viktor’s phone right away but the number was unavailable, so he sat in front of the tv in the changing rooms, watching intensely to see the results of the China Cup.

“And we can see here the winners,” said moderator’s enthusiastic voice as the camera zoomed in on the pedestal with three people standing on it, Viktor with a smile waving from the highest level, then taking his gold medal in hand, kissing it.

Yuuri melted into the warm smile, his eyes filling with tears.

Of course they’ll meet on Grand Prix. Of course. It’s Viktor Nikiforov we’re talking about, after all.

“Viktor Nikiforov standing proudly with a golden medal,” was the only thing Japanese skater registered from the tv before his phone rang.

“Darling,” he heard his lover’s voice, full of contentment, “I will see you on the Grand Prix, right?”

“Of course, Viktor..” he answered, smiling almost shyly, getting up from the bench and only then realising that he can still see him on the screen, “wait! how are you talking to me when—“

“You see me on the tv? Magic, my sticky bun, it’s not live, if you noticed,” Yuuri’s eyes immediately drifted to the corner of the screen, which indeed said ‘prerecorded’, “the ceremony was held like an hour ago and after that I was literally bombarded with interviews of all kinds. As soon as I got the chance I called you,” he concluded, Katsuki could practically feel his husband smiling into the device on the other end, all the way in China, “What’s your score, baby?” he asked in the end.

“I.. you’ll see it soon, we’re going for the broadcast in about ten minutes,” he said nervously, clutching the phone closer to his ear.

“Hey..” almost whispered Viktor gently, “even if it’s not gold, I’m so proud of you,” he then hung up, leaving Yuuri shaking from the tears he was trying to surpass.

I love you so much, Viktor... I want to show you so much more of what I can do...

And with these thoughts he wiped his watering eyes, making his way towards the ice ring, to the pedestal where he stood next to Yurio, on the second level, receiving a silver medal.

Next reunion of the loving husbands set place in Vancouver, Canada.

They welcomed each other with a warm hug and passionate embrace, Yuuri rushing towards Viktor from his flight that was slightly delayed, so the older one had to wait for him way longer than they first anticipated.

“I really missed you,” said Nikiforov, gently kissing the golden ring on his partner’s finger, making his other half blush.

“I m-missed you too,” he whispered back, kind of anxiously looking at the front seat of a car they were riding in, at a taxi driver who was just minding his own business.

The younger man still had quite a hard time in expressing their romantic affection in public, feeling almost ashamed for some reason and Viktor had countless talks with him about it, assuring him that everything is okay and that in comparison to him, Katsuki family supports him.

But he never got angry at him because of it and just didn’t push any actions further once he noticed that Yuuri was nervous in public again for any reason.

“Hey, babe, it’s okay,” Viktor just gently took his hand in his, squeezing reassuringly in a silent ‘i love you’ in his ocean eyes that Yuuri knew so well.

He replied with a wide grin, feeling the warmth of their connected palms.

The whole world seems complete when they’re together.

And in a few days the miracle couple started relentlessly training on the ice ring, alongside their friends and rivals like Yurio, JJ, Otabek, Chris and many others.

It was filled with a lot of different emotions, frustrations and happy moments, all mashing together in a big pile.

“Are you sure you want to do this flip?” said Viktor, gracefully doing a round slide on the ice, leaning towards the left side, making it look like what he was doing didn’t acquire any effort.

When these two were practising, all eyes were on Nikiforov. He was just brilliant on trainings and very rarely fell or did some kind of mistake, even in the absolutely new choreographies.

“Yes, I really do,” Yuuri confirmed, his gaze not shifting from his partner’s blue eyes, his own hazel ones filled with determination.

“Alright,” Viktor stopped practicing his own routine and skated closer towards his lover, once again showing him all the moves required for the action he wanted to try.

“Okay, I got it,” said Katsuki and then did the steps just like Viktor, after a moment spinning in the air like nobody dared before and when the landing came, he didn’t count with the speed and fell hard on the ice, feeling an instant crack somewhere in the leg.

“Yuuri!” Nikiforov slid towards him immediately, helping him to get up, but his husband only yelped in pain, “I told you it was too difficult for you yet!”

His tone was stern and soaked with worry as he helped him get up, Yuuri hissing in discomfort and putting his hand around Viktor’s shoulder, being dragged out of the ring.

One week later was the Grand Prix that they all trained so hard for.

Every corner was buzzing in the training wing. Figure skaters were talking together, some were watching tv that showed the judges that were discussing the whole event, having usual speeches, some people were listening to music and doing their regular stretches on the yoga mats, coaches were trying to hype their skaters as much as they could... It was lively.

It was everything that Viktor loved so dearly, his heart was beating for this atmosphere. He knew every participant and everyone in turn was awaiting his show. Everything was perfect.

Except next to him sat silent Yurio, angrily drinking from the water bottle, lion shirt on top of his beautiful costume.

“Don’t be so fucking sad,” he growled at him, finishing his drink and putting it on the floor with force, his green eyes piercing at the tv in front of them.

“Whatever,” Viktor answered quietly, standing up and slowly making his way towards the available yoga mat, stretching his muscles. His whole body hurt, he didn’t sleep well last night.

Of course, sleeping without Yuuri by his side was a new thing to get used to. Even Makkachin was all the way in Japan, not being able to keep him company.

It wasn’t unusual for Viktor that his emotional state went to the pits of hell, it was quite normal for him to experience burnout since he was present on the ice skating stage ever since he was 14 - just like Plisetsky, by the way, no wonder he’s so angry all the time - and the thing that kept him going was that burning passion for skating no matter what.

But ever since he took that break for one season to train Yuuri, his main motivation has become his partner, funnily enough. Even now, when they were supposed to be opponents, he still found himself demotivated by the fact that he is not participating due to suffering an injury and is now currently in the hospital.

“This was supposed to be our debut as opponents and lovers!” he clutched his fist and hit the wall, making everyone stare at him, room getting silent.

“What are you looking at?!” yelled Yurio at everyone, putting the attention on himself, stripping from the lion shirt, revealing his breathtaking costume for the show, “You all better look at me now, I’m going to skate first,” he said, making his way towards the ice.

Viktor mentally thanked his younger friend for drawing the attention away from him as he lost his control for a second, now retrieving to the staircase of the building, not wanting to be seen like this.

When you’re in love you really take all the good and the bad from the attachment to the person.

Katsuki just finished watching Yurio’s routine from the tv that was by request put into his hospital room where he was alone. Viktor paid for the more expensive service even though Yuuri said that it wouldn’t really matter to him where he was spending time if it’s not with him on the ice.

He felt incredibly sad, guilty and angry at himself for trying that reckless jump on the training, resulting in him injuring his left leg.

It wasn’t actually anything serious, but he needed to rest the muscle. So that meant no Grand Prix. No skating with Viktor for the first time.

He could only imagine what his husband was feeling. Trainings always got more intense right before the competition so the last time when they heard each other was about a week ago when he shortly called to simply ask about his well-being.

Just as he thought about it, though, his phone rang and Yuuri visibly flinched, not being used to receiving any calls lately.

He didn’t even look at the caller ID, automatically going with, “Viktor?!”

“You dumbass, it’s Yurio,” the agitated voice on the other end said, clearly still partially out of breath from the show that he just skated.

It was incredible.

“Oh!” he blinked a few times and then regained his composure, quickly saying, “I just saw your routine, it was amazing! Good job!”

“Yeah-yeah, whatever,” he said, gritting his teeth, continuing, “I’m calling because of Viktor. He’s.. in bad shape,” his voice grew quieter, “so you better cheer him the fuck up. Understood? I don’t know how, but do it quickly,” he was speaking seriously, probably clutching the phone in his hand with all his strength.

Then, before the Japanese had any time to reply, he hung up, leaving Yuuri to listen to the beeping on the other end.

Bad shape?..

His thoughts, everything in his mind speeding up and racing back and forth.

I need to fix that!..

During his time while he was in a relationship with Viktor, Yuuri has learned a lot of things. One of the more fundamental ones were.. being creative.

Sometimes they would have fights and he had to come up with a way to surprise him to both make him speechless and want to talk to him again, not being angry anymore.

So he really did master this skill of being creative and now he’s going to put this to use.

A plan came up to his mind almost immediately and he instantly pushed a red button for calling the nurse into the room.

A few skaters already had their go, Viktor was supposed to show himself right in the middle of the tournament but he felt like in this state he won’t reach even his usual score.

Is this it? Has love ruined Viktor Nikiforov’s incredible talent and years of grind with hard work?..

His eyes were wide open as he was watching young Otabek finishing up his routine flawlessly, getting a second place right after Yurio, who was currently sitting on the top.

He felt how someone patted him on the shoulder and looked behind himself, spotting Chris with a warm smile, extending a hand towards his friend with a phone.

“It’s your husband, Viktor,” he winked at him flirtatiously and Russian took it hesitantly, all thoughts mixed up together.

“Viktor!! I couldn’t reach you on your phone, so please turn on the tv on the channel two right now!” he almost yelled in the device, making his partner furrow his brows together.

“What?..” Nikiforov said, confusion written all over his expression.

“Please, I’m so sorry that I ended up with an injury but it should’ve never affected you, любимый*!” at the last Russian word Viktor just bit his lower lip, tears threatening to fall down his face.

“Don’t hang up, Yuuri, whatever you came up with, I want to be with you at least like this,” said the older man, putting Chris’ phone closer to his ear, as if shortening the distance between the two of them.

As the reply he just heard a hum in affirmation from his husband.

He quickly took the remote of the tv and changed the station from the official tournament broadcast, making the majority of the people in the room questioningly turntheir head towards the genius skater again, but he didn’t care.

On the tv he saw Yuuri in normal clothes, not a hospital robe, standing behind some white wall, clearly nervous and with a microphone in his hand.

Once Viktor saw this, he couldn’t control his emotions and just ran around the whole wing, turning every single screen to show channel two, now Yuuri looking at him from every corner.

“At first I would like to apologise for disturbing your preparations for the tournament, competitors, but as you all know I badly landed one of the jumps at practise and ended up with a moderate injury, resulting in me being unable to participate,” he took a deep breath before continuing, still looking somewhere at his feet, “and I suspect that Viktor Nikiforov, who once used to be my coach and who is now another one of my opponents in the competition.. I think he’s not doing well, because we promised each other that we would skate together on the Grand Prix no matter what,” he now lifted his hazel eyes, wobbly smile on his face, “Who knew, huh? Well.. I am here to lift your spirits, Viktor. Even if I’m not there,” he smiled broadly, cheeks heating up, becoming slightly pink.

Japanese cleared his throat and proceeded.

“Whatever I wouldn’t do, my life is always bringing me back. Back to you,” his eyes were now filled with determination and love, “Before I met you, I didn’t know what love was, I didn’t know what it meant when you couldn’t breathe in your normal tempo without the other person anymore. I didn’t know that this could ever mean so much to anyone,” he slowly lifted his engagement ring on his finger, fighting the stinging sensation in his eyes, “before you, I was just a lost boy, lost person, lost life. You made me find myself professionally and as a person. You made me whole. I know, I don’t say there things often and especially in public when we see each other, so hearing it like this is probably even more frustrating to you, but.. I want you to win. Don’t you let my absence discourage you,” he furrowed his brows together, not stopping “You were so open about me and your feelings, I think it’s time for me to finally pay you back. Viktor, you once captured my heart and it stays perfectly still in your hands, forever,” Yuuri put his hand with the golden ring on his chest, on his beating heart,

“Please, win. For me.”

The broadcast ended after this, everyone turning the screen back to the original channel as Viktor stayed in place, wide-eyed.

“Viktor?..” he heard Yuuri close to his ear now, gently bringing him back to reality.

He sighed deeply, a smile slowly appearing on his face, “Babe... Watch me,” he said, voice full of so well known hazard for skating the routine well.

From all his excitement he didn’t even notice all the commotion on the other end of Yuuri’s side as they exchanged a few more phrases and then hung up.

“That was a long ass call,” said with a pleased grin Chris as he got his phone back, “You guys are my favourite couple. I hate to encourage my opponent, but go get that win, Viktor!” he yelled at Nikiforov’s back already, as the Russian skater made his way towards the ring, ready to capture gold.

Metro at this hour was full with people and Yuuri did his best to spectate Viktor’s performance on live tv and to watch where he’s going.

Despite the recommendations of doctors at the hospital he said he needs to be there with him, so he was now rushing towards the skating ring, his stamina now being able to withstand longer distances, ever since he started training with his partner.

He’d have to push through the endless crowds of people, someone recognising him and immediately wanting an autograph or to talk, sometimes his leg would send a pang if pain right through his whole body, making him grunt on his journey.

But he was determined. Yuuri wanted to see his husband on ice as he’s winning a medal. Because he just knew, Viktor is winning one. There was not a single doubt about it in his heart that beat so much faster and more passionate for this particular Russian skater.

Finally, when he made it to the arena, he sprinted through the training area, making multiple coaches and participants look up at him in awe, fully realising what the fool came to do.

He was here for Viktor only, and everyone knew that. Their love towards each other was unstoppable.

As the skinny, incredibly beautiful and elegant skater gathered up strength and lifted his body off the ground like a feather in his signature flip, the whole world was watching. Everyone caught their breath, not daring to move, awaiting the landing and therefore the result.

Not a lot of people knew this, but the only thing that Viktor was thinking about at that moment was his husband, Yuuri. How he clutched his hand to his chest, where the heart is, golden ring shining into the camera.

So much emotion and genuine agitation over the fact that they can’t yet make their debut as partners on ice... all mixed up in a beautiful whirl of tears slowly falling down Yuuri’s face, and when Nikiforov landed, he did it perfectly.

The execution of his last move in the astonishingly difficult choreography was nailed perfectly, without a single error, his body bending in a curve for the last burst of the ending posture, before the music stopped.

When the top skater let himself breathe again, his cheeks and nose was red, throat and nostrils almost not catching up to the speed of his breathing.

“Viktor!!” suddenly he heard the desired voice so clear as if they were the only ones present for miles and whipped his head towards the source, ocean eyes wide, threatening to start getting filled with tears.

“Yuuri!” he yelled right back at him, forgetting all the gifts on ice behind him, with an incredible speed closing in to his husband.

And when their bodies touched in the sudden hug, chests tightly pressing to each other, Viktor let himself lose it. He started sobbing, clutching the back of his partner’s coat, trying to get even closer than they already were.

“You... how did you make it here?” the pair pulled away from each other only to look into their faces, eyes meeting and creating an entirely different reality between them, it seemed like.

“I’m so proud of you, Vitya.. Я люблю тебя,**” he said with a blush on his cheeks and a terrible accent, but the Russian skater’s eyes just watered even more at that, him jumping into his arms once again.

“Господи, а я тебя как люблю! Напугал меня со своим ушибом, а сам знаешь-ли пришёл всё-таки на муженька посмотреть!***” the word vomit from his husband in foreign language made absolutely no sense to Yuuri as he just confusedly nodded, caught off guard.

“Baby, I’m so glad you’re here..” Viktor finally said in the language that he could understand, with far less volume than everything that’s been said before.

“I just needed to see you live, not on the screen..” murmured Yuuri into his shoulder, “Doctors were against it, but.. here I am,” he laughed nervously, just snuggling in closer into the cloth with his nose.

“But I think if I remain resting at home and I’ll have someone taking care of me, then I wouldn’t need to stay at the hospital during the recovery,” he continued, pulling away to just smile at Viktor.

“Of course, jesus. You’re not staying there but since I’m pretty sure I just won another Grand Prix in my career, we can go anywhere to relax together for a bit,” he answered, getting quieter towards the end of his sentence, his fingers instinctively reaching up for Yuuri’s lower lip and opening his mouth a little, squeezing on the skin.

“Only you and me, honey.. You have to pay me off for not showing up to the competition, “ suddenly Yuuri felt a hand on his back, firm on his ass.

He started blushing, nervously chuckling and just nodding, accepting defeat. After all, he wouldn’t really mind anything that Viktor has probably planned for them to do.

And just like this, Viktor Nikiforov skated back to the ring, towards the pedestal with the winners, stepping onto the first place, soon enough already pressing his lips gently to the gold metal, then meeting brown eyes of his husband, looking at him with his azurites full of love.

*my love

**i love you

***jesus, and how much do i love you! you made me worry with your injury, but of course you came to see your lovely husband perform, right?

#viktuuri #victuuri #victuuri fic #viktor nikiforov #victor nikiforov #yuuri katsuki #yuri on ice #yoi #yuri on ice fanfic #original drabble

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themysteriousauthor18 · 4 years

Text

Childhood friends PT. 2

This is no longer a oneshot---

Artist of picture above:

"So ya not allowed to go to da school?"

"Nah. Pa says it doesn't help and gets in the way of my trainin'." The blonde grumbled. He stared up at the blue sky, the clouds moving by ever so slowly and the summer heat being a little too much for blonde. He wiped some sweat from his forehead before placing his hands back on his stomach.

It seemed after four years the 13-year-old still wasn't able to handle the harsh heat that New Orleans brought.

Beside him, the brunette clicked his tongue in disapproval. "Dats just dum. Dey goin' makes you dumb." The blonde laughed.

"That's what I said!" He yelled into the open clearing. He smiled sadly at the sky, his green eyes becoming glossy. "Right before pa hit me a bunch." The brunette looked at him concerned his lips dropping into a frown.

"Anthony..dat don't sound gud." The pre-teen shook his head, moving his hands off his stomach and sitting up. He groaned a little in doing so.

"It's fine. If it means ma' ain't gotta take them, then I'm happy to instead." The brunette sat up now too turning to look at the pale blonde. Anthony brought his knees to his chest and looked over to the boy beside him.

It was as if the world blessed his looks, with how the sun made his light brown skin shimmer in the summer heat. The sharp beige vest he had 'been forced into' again according to him, only made him look more handsome. Even the strands of brown hair that stuck out in an odd direction couldn't compare to his looks.

He wasn't sure if it was the hormones setting in with turning 13 but lately, he had found himself looking at Edward (Alastor) more often than not. Since he'd turn 12 he had begun finding the boy more handsome than someone his age and gender should.

He still cringed at his comment he made the day they met. 'Well, I like you.' His nine-year-old self had said. Of course, he hadn't meant it in that context but he didn't really know better.

"Anthony ya starin'." The brunette reminded like he had done so many other times. He never got mad at him for it, just calmly reminded him of the action.

His pale cheeks flushed a light pink in what he blamed on embarrassment. "Sorry." He muttered looking away.

"It's fain." He heard him say in his thick accent. It was strange, sometimes he caught the brunette trying to suppress it but never knew why. In recent years it seemed more common. Sometimes his accent would come at full volume other times it would sound restrained.

He never explained why, and whenever he pointed it out he would get the usual response. "What are ya tawking about?" And that would be the end of it.

Suddenly he heard the grass rustle beside him and as he looked he saw Edward getting to his feet. Anthony did as well when the older male began to walk away. "Wait Edward were ya goin!" The brunette paused, the sky had seemed to get darker all of a sudden. As if the sun had gone and hid away.

Now instead a shadow cast over the large clearing and a cold wind blew past them. It rarely ever got cold here.

He paused, looking at the pale boy. "I have to go now, Anthony. I'm sorry." He sounded sad but his expression didn't dwindle from its neutral state. The wind seemed to pick up with the end of his sentence.

Anthony bolted towards him once he'd turned around and lunged for his arm grabbing it tightly. "Ed please don't go! Please! I-I don't want you to not yet!" Not ever.

A shadow cast over the brunette's eyes now and to Anthony's horror, the world around them began to blur with the darkness slowly consuming it and the wind is almost too much to bear.

He looked over his shoulder at the pleading pre-teen and frowned. His warm brown eyes held a darker look to them similar to a dead person's eyes when the life had left them. His lips parted and as he spoke the wind froze in its tracks, all sound stopped and all he could hear was his voice.

"I'm already gone, Anthony. Wake up."

Angel gasped for air as he suddenly found himself awake..were, where was he? Were was Edward.

The hard pulsing of his heart in his chest brought him to realize he was truly awake now. That he had just had a nightmare..or rather, a memory altered into a nightmare.

He stared up into the darkness, the loud thumping of his heart in his ears slowly fading out. And the soft ticking of his clock fading in.

He sighed sitting up in his head as he brought a hand to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He felt cold and that was likely due to the chill that ran through his apartment during the colder months. October was no exception.

His tank top and boxers were also drenched in the cold sweat he himself was covered in. His eyes lazily looked around the darkness of his small room.

His heavy eyes looked over to his side table and at the illuminated green lights of his clock. He grabbed it, squinting at the numbers the sleep still in his eyes.

6am

He groaned, putting the clock back down with a light slam. A sigh followed as he threw the covers back and swung his legs over onto the wooden floors. A chill ran through him, the floors were ice cold per usual.

There was no way he would be getting back to sleep tonight, despite how tired he felt.

That early morning started as all his usual days did. With some kind of joint.

Once he'd moved away and to New York, turning to drugs was all too easy. With his mother passing soon after their move there and the lack of one of his main friends there was nobody to stop him. Cherri hadn't come into the picture until a few months later and she wasn't exactly a sadist against drugs.

Surprisingly working under his father in the mafia didn't pay all that well, well for him at least. That led him to live in this rather run-down apartment. He was lucky enough to have Cherri as a roommate, without her he probably wouldn't even be here.

As he sat down on the edge of his bed, lighting the joint it glowed a soft orange in the darkness.

Sometimes he wondered if the low amount of cash he was paid was because his father was purposely trying to keep him from traveling to New Orleans, or just because he hated him

"Probably both." Angel mused quietly to himself.

Shortly after his mom died he had met Cherri and one day she'd given him the nickname of 'Angel'. He liked it, so he started going by that. He didn't want to be Anthony anymore...that person was gone. That person was left back in New Orleans with the charming childhood friend of his and his sweet mother.

No, Angel didn't care about life anymore and was just spending each day trying to numb the pain.

Molly and Arackniss supported him with the new name. Molly not questioning it while Arackniss seemingly not caring. His father didn't care at all and continued to call him by his birth name whether he liked it or not.

No surprise there.

He took a long hit of the joint allowing the drug to fill his lungs, enjoying the tingling sensation that it brought as it ran through his veins. He held it in for a moment before slowly allowing the smoke to escape his mouth and into the darkened room.

Cherri to his surprise was also in the mafia. But her father was a lot nicer and unlike his own, the guy let her do what she pleased. He even let her help out sometimes although not very often. So each day they spent doing whatever they pleased.

Or to put it more realistically, did whatever they pleased until Angel got the call from his father or Arackniss to get his ass to work.

He wasn't always needed, he was just another one of the men in his father's organization. And he liked it that way.

He took another hit, laying back against the wall behind him. He closed his eyes, holding the smoke for a moment before letting it out again.

Sometimes he couldn't help but wonder what Edward was up to these days. If the brunette remembered him, cared to remember him? If he missed him as the blonde did him.

But oftentimes his mind would be cruel and serve the more darker thoughts.

With how handsome he was, he was probably already with someone. A girl most likely considering he never showed signs of being anything besides that.

She was probably beautiful. And he was probably happy and forgot that he'd even existed.

Probably

His mind reminded.

Before his mind could go any further on this thought train the sound of a door opening from outside his room drew his eyes open. Truthfully he was thankful for the sudden distraction.

He got up from his bed, cringing as it squeaked loudly from the shitty mattress. If Cherri didn't know he was awake before, she certainly did now.

Joint resting between his lips he opened his bedroom door.

As stated earlier, the apartment was a bit run down and in no means luxurious. Due to this, they had no living room. Instead, the kitchen lay right outside Angel's small room, the door across from that was Cherri's room with the door next to that being their shared bathroom.

She had a TV in her room and they'd often have movie nights or just watch TV when they didn't want to go out.

As he guessed Cherri was standing outside of her bedroom door rubbing her eyes. Sweats and a tank-top, her usual nightclothes. Her blonde hair was down and disheveled like Angel's.

Angel leaned in his doorway leaning his hip against the frame as he took the blunt in between his fingers. He watched his roommate yawn before noticing his presence.

"Oh, mornin' Angie." Another nickname she had for him, one he didn't mind either. He laughed.

"Ya couldn't sleep either huh?" She was already going over to the gas stove to put the kettle on for coffee.

"Bitch your loud ass was snoring again." She complained. Angel walked over to her now preferring to lean against the counter beside the stove. He clicked his tongue as she filled the kettle with water and put it on to boil.

"I don't fucking snore." She smirked as she snatched the cig from his fingers. He glared at her but she ignored it, taking a hit from the now shorter joint.

"You have a nightmare again?" She asked taking a seat at their tiny square table that only held to chairs. He remained leaning against the counter, the frown playing on his lips had been enough of an answer to her question.

She sighed the smoke flowing into the air once again. "Hey! I heard Pentious was workin' on some new shit for October! How about we go and check 'em out today?" Angel smiled lightly giving a half-hearted laugh.

"Yeah, sure that sounds like fun. Go and bug that man of yours." She stuck her tongue out at Angel.

"Bout time you get one for yourself." She stood flicking the finished joint into the wet sink. Angel took her seat down at the table leaning on the wall behind him. Cherri gave him a look for taking her seat but he just stuck up a finger at her and she returned the gesture with a smile. "I'm fine on my own. 'Sides it ain't hard to get laid in this town."

Cherri smacked her lips as she turned off the kettle reading the coffee. "You know I'm not talking about that." Angel remained quiet, wishing he had another joint to burn or something.

"I ain't awake enough for this shit Cherri." Angel finally responded, his voice less than sweet. His tone was enough of a warning to drop the subject.

This wasn't the first time it was brought up and he knew it wouldn't be the last.

Cherri shrugged, picking up the two mugs and setting Angel's down in front of him before taking the seat across from him.

The blonde male looked at the window in front of the sink. The sun had yet to come up. He chewed on his bottom lip closing his eyes for a moment.

"Ed. What are you doin' here! If my dad finds you he might skin ya alive." The teen whispered in the darkroom, sitting upon his bed.

The young brunette climbed through the window setting his feet down on the floor. He smiled brightly at the still groggy blonde.

"I dought it be cool ta see da sunrise with ya. Before I gotta go ta school today." The younger male found himself smiling.

"Fine..just, warn me next time."

The two laughed quietly, watching through the window as the sun slowly began to rise from the horizon.

Angel turned his eyes away from the window, the sky beginning to become lighter. He wrapped his hands around the mug and lightly sipped his coffee, welcoming its warmth.

(I'm betta off alone.)

#radiodust #au #fanfiction #alastor #angel dust #shipping #hazbin hotel

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inawickedlittletown · 4 years

Text

I’m With You (1/?)

Summary:

Having a crush was nothing to be ashamed of...lying to the family and friends of said crush about being the guy’s boyfriend, that was a whole other problem. When Buck saves the life of Andrew Diaz and accidentally makes a nurse think that he’s Andrew’s boyfriend, Buck soon finds himself lying to Andrew’s firefighter friends/coworkers as well as Andrew’s family including Andrew’s very suspicious and attractive brother, Eddie.

Based on the 1995 movie While You Were Sleeping.

Words: 4,050

Notes: Hello. I am back with another fic. This is based on one of my favorite rom coms: While You Were Sleeping (1995). I was watching it a few weeks back and I just wanted a Buddie version of it. Anyone that hasn't seen it: go watch it immediately, it's a classic. Rom coms are not made like they used to be.

The fic title comes from the song of the same name by Vance Joy. Listen to it, it is perfect. Enjoy. :)

Read on Ao3

Masterpost

Coffee Time was always busy at three very specific times of the day. In the morning from opening at 6am until around 9am and then 12pm to around 1pm and then after 5pm until just after 7pm. The rest of the day was full of the odd person stopping in for a quick snack or drink and they often got a few people that loitered and sat at tables by the windows with their notebooks or laptops. Buck worked the morning shift going in at 5am to get everything ready for opening and leaving just after their lunch rush and it meant that Buck was there when Mr. Perfect arrived for his usual order : two black regular, one mocha latte, one iced green tea no sugar, and a regular latte.

Mr. Perfect arrived for the lunch rush which meant that there was never any real time for idle chat. He also always placed his order online for pick up and there was never a name attached. Just the order number. Buck was always the one to fill it and as tempting as it was to add his number to one of the cups, he also had no idea if Mr. Perfect was interested in men and which of the cups in the order was his. So, he never did. Instead, he admired from afar. It felt like the easiest thing to do.

It was busier than usual on a Thursday probably due to some event happening down the street. It meant that they had people coming in and out in what seemed like a stream and Buck was getting behind on filling orders. So much so that he failed to get Mr. Perfect’s order ready before he arrived like usual.

Mr. Perfect busied himself with his phone while he waited and didn’t seem too bothered at the wait or how crowded the place was and it gave Buck a few moments to admire him. He was broad and muscular and his shirt seemed to be just a little tight on him but Buck didn’t mind the way that it helped to make his biceps look big. The logo on the corner of his chest suggested that Mr. Perfect was a firefighter but Buck wasn’t entirely sure if that was his profession. But what really captivated Buck was the way he always smiled when he was picking up his order like he genuinely meant it. His eyes crinkled and they were so warm and dark and Buck loved them. It always left him feeling a bit distracted after Mr. Perfect walked away. He had that kind of affect on Buck and Buck knew that he would never really talk to him.

“One day, I want you to form sentences and speak to him,” his coworker, Ali, said, nudging him and passing on a marked cup for the current customer in line.

“Or never,” Buck said with a sigh.

The thing was that Buck wasn’t a shy person. And he definitely wasn’t shy about flirting or about getting someone to hook up with him. At least, that was who he used to be. But ever since his girlfriend, Abby, went off on a trip to Ireland and then ghosted him, Buck just didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t think he wanted to go back to quick hook ups and one-night stands that left him feeling used and empty and yet he also wasn’t sure if he wanted to find someone to actually date. And Mr. Perfect — if Buck even had a chance with him — he was the kind that you wanted to date and fall in love with and marry and have a family with.

When Buck had finally got around to getting Mr. Perfect’s order ready, he set it down on the pick up counter and called out his order number. Mr. Perfect looked up from his phone at once and walked over, his lips turning up into a full toothed smile. His eyes found Buck and for a second Buck wondered if he should try and talk to him but then the moment passed.

“Thank you,” Mr. Perfect said and then dropped a few dollars into the tip jar.

“Have a good day,” Buck managed before letting out a sigh.

The next day, Mr. Perfect didn’t appear at his usual time and Buck pretended to be annoyed when Ali made fun of him for it but deep down he was a little sad about it. That he looked forward to seeing the same stranger at work more than any other part of his day should have been concerning, but Buck really didn’t have much else going for him.

When the lunch rush died down Buck took off his apron and walked into the back to clock out. From the closet he grabbed his things and he walked back out. He was waving goodbye at Ali, when he saw Mr. Perfect walk in and Buck actually stopped to watch him as Ali got his order to him. Ali shrugged at Buck when she caught his eye but Buck was mostly just glad to see him.

Buck made it out the door before Mr. Perfect turned away from the counter with his order, but he lingered outside looking in through the window like a creep before he shook his head at himself and started heading towards his car. He was so utterly pathetic. Buck hadn’t made it far when he heard someone yell out. When he turned, he realized that it was Mr. Perfect.

At first Buck didn’t spot him and he couldn’t have if it wasn’t for the cup of spilled coffee that had rolled away from him. All of the drinks were spilled on him and around him and he was several feet off of the sidewalk on his back and not moving. Buck ran to his side.

“Hey! Hey!” Buck yelled as he reached him but there was no response.

Buck checked his pulse at once and let out a breath when there was one. He put his hand out by his nose to check if he was breathing and felt a few puffs of air. That was good. He was breathing and he had a pulse.

“Okay. Okay. So what next. Can you hear me?”

Buck tried shaking him a little but Mr. Perfect didn’t react. There didn’t seem to be anyone else around either so Buck fished his phone out of his pocket and he dialed 9-1-1. He was just in the middle of trying to explain what happened to the operator when Buck realized that they were on the street and that while the street had been empty for a while, a car was coming their way and not stopping. The driver couldn’t see them.

“Holy shit,” Buck said and he scrambled to his feet, grabbing Mr. Perfect by the armpits and pulling.

He was heavy and it was a bit difficult to maneuver a fully grown man but Buck was strong and somehow he managed to get him to the bike lane mere seconds before the car drove right over where Mr. Perfect had been lying. Buck let out a breath.

“Oh my god,” he said. “That...that just happened.”

Buck knew he should have felt scared but instead he felt energetic and like he could do anything at all.

“Hello! Hello, what’s happening?”

His phone was on Mr. Perfect’s chest and luckily it hadn’t fallen off while Buck was pulling him to safety. He grabbed it, then.

“Sorry. Sorry. It’s just he was on the street. I pulled him out of the way. Car was coming. He’s still not awake. I don’t—”

“Sir, an ambulance is on the way. You said he’s breathing and has a pulse?”

“Yes. Yes. Looks like maybe he hit his head.”

Having moved him meant that Mr. Perfect’s head had lolled a bit and Buck could see that there was a growing lump. Buck also noticed that Mr. Perfect’s wallet was sticking out of his pocket and he figured he should grab it and get his name. The operator had asked for it at first but Buck didn’t know it. He literally knew nothing about him.

His license was right there at the top and Buck pulled it out. His name was Andrew Diaz.

The next few minutes were a bit of a blur but he remembered being able to tell the operator Mr. Perfect’s name and age (he was 29). He followed the operator’s instructions and then waited. A few people had stopped by to ask what was going on and if they could help but there was nothing to do but wait. Buck just had to keep making sure that he was breathing.

With Mr. Perfect — Andrew — out cold, Buck could really get to look at him without the danger of awkwardness if he was caught doing it. Andrew had long eyelashes that fanned out over the top of his cheeks. His hair looked curlier up close, a bit of a wave going through it. His lips were a nice rosy pink and just a bit chapped and Buck wished more than anything to be able to kiss him. There was a slight cleft to his chin and Buck could make out laugh lines next to his eyes and by his mouth. Up close, Buck could also make out a few freckles across his nose, not easy to notice on his skin tone.

Buck almost didn’t hear the ambulance arrive due to how distracted he was especially when he noted that Andrew had a small scar on his jaw. It made Buck curious.

Buck only got up when one of the paramedics touched his shoulder so he could get out of their way. He stood back and watched with a bit of fascination as they got a collar on him and then put him on a stretcher. They seemed to do a whole number of tests before they loaded him up but even then the whole thing was rather quick.

“Is he — is he going to be okay?” Buck asked.

“Just fine,” one of them said and then, “are you coming along?”

Buck was supposed to be just a bystander, a stranger with a crush that just happened to be the only person to see Mr. Perfect splayed out on the asphalt. He was the guy that helped out because he happened to be there but the way that the paramedic was looking at him like he was supposed to be more than that.

“Uh...what hospital? I — my car is here. I can just drive there.”

Buck had no idea why he said it or why he didn’t clear up that he was no one to Andrew but the guy that made him his coffee every day. After he had the information, Buck felt weird not going to the hospital to at least find out if Andrew would be okay. Maybe he felt a little weird about going too. It was for his own peace of mind and either way, Andrew didn’t have anyone else at the moment and Buck figured he should go and be there and maybe even wait it out until his family got there. Even as he tried to rationalize it, the whole thing felt stupid.

When he arrived at the hospital almost an hour later because of traffic, he got just a little turned around but then finally found an information desk.

“Andrew Diaz. He just came in and I was — I was with him and—”

Buck spotted him then. He was on a gurney now and they were rolling him away.

“That’s...that’s him. I—”

“Honey, honey, calm down. Are you a family member or friend? I can only release information to family. Someone has probably already been tasked with informing his emergency contacts and—”

Buck tried to take a breath. He didn’t quite know why he was freaking out so much. Maybe everything was finally hitting him. “I — I saved him earlier and I just want to make sure that he’s okay because I’ve been seeing him pretty much every day for months now and he’s like this perfect guy, you know, and I was going to...I was going to marry him, I think, maybe. If I ever built up the courage to—”

“So you’re not immediate family, then,” the woman said and her tone which had been friendly and almost comforting a moment ago had gone flat.

“I — no...no, I’m not.”

“Nothing I can do, then,” she said and turned away in one fluid motion leaving Buck with an open mouth.

Buck didn’t know what to do. Did he just leave and never find out what happened to Andrew? Did he wait it out to see if his family members came in? But then that would mean explaining himself and the whole weird crush from afar thing wouldn’t go off too well. Not to mention he really didn’t know Andrew at all. He’d learned his name a little over an hour earlier. Buck was just about to turn around and leave when he felt someone touch his shoulder. He turned and found a nurse. Not the one from earlier. This one was younger and she smiled sweetly at him.

“Hi,” she said. “I’m Olivia and I sort of overheard you earlier. I’m sorry about her. She’s not the worst but she’s not very open minded. But if you want to see your boyfriend, I can make that happen. Or — well, will it be fiance soon?”

Buck was speechless. Words completely failed him leaving his mind blank because that wasn’t what he was expecting. Olivia smiled at him and then motioned for him to follow her and Buck didn’t hesitate. She took him down the hall and past some doors into a room where Andrew was lying prone on a hospital bed.

She pat his arm. “You can sit with him, if you want? No one will bother you. I should get back.”

Buck didn’t even think about correcting her as she stepped towards the door because he could see Andrew through the glass and even in the hospital bed in a gown and with an IV line in his hand he still looked as handsome as ever.

“And I bet today was a hard day. You’re the one that pulled him off the street too, right?” Oliva asked. “The paramedics were talking about it when they brought him in.”

“I — yeah, I did.”

“He was lucky you were with him,” Olivia said and she sighed. “Anyway, I’ll leave you to it.”

Buck felt maybe a little bit odd, but he still walked over to the chair next to Andrew’s bed and he sat down. He would just linger for a moment and then leave and even if the nurse said anything about him to anyone it probably wouldn’t even matter. He just wanted to get another look at Andrew. Maybe next time he saw him stop by Coffee Time, Buck might actually talk to him.

“Wish I could have met you properly,” Buck muttered. “But at least you’re going to be okay. Anyway, I should — I should go. I’m kinda being a bit delusional but I wanted to make sure you were okay.” Buck stood up and he looked at Andrew one more time.

Technically, Buck realized, he didn’t even know if Andrew would be okay. Olivia hadn’t bothered to tell him and maybe she didn’t even know. Looking at him, though, it made Buck hope that he wasn’t too badly off. His heart was a steady beat on the monitor and he was breathing on his own which had to mean something good. Not to mention that if he had been badly off he would have probably been in another place in the hospital like the ICU and not just a regular room.

Buck didn’t mean to linger as long as he did, but sitting there next to Andrew was weirdly peaceful. It was also a lot less lonely. Buck knew he’d made a mistake when he heard footsteps at the door to the room. He didn’t turn at once, hoping to find Olivia or maybe Andrew’s doctor. Instead, he found a police officer. So maybe the nurse had been wrong and someone had called security on him. It was no matter, Buck was ready to go anyway.

The woman stepped towards him. She looked like the very definition of authority. Her hand was on her belt inches from where her gun was holstered and the other she lifted towards Buck as she walked towards him.

“I heard you were responsible for helping him out,” she said and Buck took her hand and shook it.

Her grip was strong and sure. Buck would be stupid if that woman didn’t scare him just a little bit.

“I — I did, yes,” Buck said. Maybe she was just there to question him. “I didn’t — I didn’t see what happened though. Just heard him yell out and then he was on the ground.”

She nodded and made a humming noise. She wasn’t even looking at him though and instead her eyes were settled on Andrew.

“He got lucky you were there, Mr…”

“Buckley,” Buck said. “Everyone calls me Buck, though.”

She nodded. “Sergeant Grant,” she said. “But you can call me Athena. The nurse out there told me you’re Andrew’s boyfriend. I didn’t know he was dating anyone, but you saved his life so that makes you alright in my books even if he didn’t bother to fill me in on this development.”

Athena knew Andrew personally. Suddenly the hole he’d dug himself into felt like it had gotten feet deepert. But maybe if he just told the truth she wouldn’t hold it against him and he could walk out of the hospital without any trouble. Buck couldn’t lie to the police especially when the whole thing was a misunderstanding. All he’d wanted was to make sure that Andrew was okay.

“I—” his words were cut off when three people walked into the room.

They were all in uniform but they weren’t police. They were firefighters. So at least Buck had been right when he guessed that Andrew was a firefighter. It was probably how he knew Athena seeing as they were first responders and probably worked closely together. Buck had always admired first responders and seeing them rush in towards the hospital bed and crowd it checking on their friend and co-worker, it warmed his heart a little. This was what Andrew was a part of.

He went unnoticed for a moment and Buck could have snuck out if he wanted to. But he didn’t want to. Instead, he watched them. They were all in uniform but none of the gear. The woman, dark skinned with a shaved head and glasses stood by the foot of the hospital bed next to an Asian man. The two of them were talking to each other in low tones. The other firefighter was older but he had an easy air about him and an open countenance. He went to stand by Athena and it was Athena that brought attention to Buck.

“He is the one you should thank. Saved Andrew. But you guys probably already know him, he’s Andrew’s boyfriend.”

Buck could have facepalmed for not jumping in and fixing it right then and there but in that moment two more people walked into the room. An older hispanic woman followed by an even older hispanic woman.

“Whose boyfriend?” the younger of the two asked.

“Well, Andrew’s,” Athena said. “I mean, I’m out of the loop all the time but you all share everything so I figured—”

“No,” the woman firefighter said. “No, he hasn’t said anything.”

Her companion spoke up. “I think maybe he’s been seeing someone. Eddie would know.”

They were all looking at him and Buck had no idea what to do or what to say. The older woman was led to a chair by the younger and for a moment they were distracted looking at Andrew but no amount of time could give Buck an out.

“Well anyway, this is Buck,” Athena said. “This is my husband and your boyfriend’s Captain, Bobby.”

Bobby shot him a warm smile.

“That’s Henrietta but we all call her Hen. Chimney is next to her and don’t bother to ask why anyone calls him that,” Athena said with a nod at the other firefighters.

“I’m Josephina,” the younger hispanic woman said. “This is my mother Isabel. Andrew is my nephew.”

Buck looked at all of them. “Hello,” he said. “I’m Evan but everyone calls me Buck. It’s nice to meet you all. And I really — I should apologize because—”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” Athena said at once.

“You really don’t. We’re a little pushy and in each other’s business but it’s okay if Andrew felt like keeping you to himself,” Hen said.

“My grandson can be a bit taciturn,” Isabel said but she smiled at Buck.

Buck had no idea how he was going to explain it to them. They were all just so nice and so welcoming and Buck still had no idea if Andrew was straight or bi or gay but all of his friends and family seemed to have no problem with it at all which gave Buck no answers. It made him panic a little, though, and he really needed to set things straight.

“Okay, but I really do need to clear something up—”

Buck had to stop when he realized that Isabel had gone white. “Is something wrong?” she asked. “Pepa, pero tu dijiste que—”

[“Pepa, but you said that—”]

“Mama, no te preocupes. Todo esta bien. Andrew va a estar bien.”

[“Mom, don’t worry. Everything is okay. Andrew is going to be okay.”]

Buck’s Spanish wasn’t exactly perfect, but he understood what they were saying without much trouble.

“The nurse didn’t tell me much,” Buck said when they all looked to him.

“He’ll be okay,” Hen said.

Isabel let out a breath and she seemed to regain her color and she smiled at him. “Thank you, Buck,” she said and there was a bit of an accent in her voice but not much. “And thank you for being there for him.”

“What happened exactly?” Bobby asked.

“I — I’m not sure. I was turned away and I heard him scream so I rushed towards him and he was on the ground passed out. Not too far from the sidewalk but kind of out of view so I had to pull him out of the way and I called 9-1-1.”

“A witness said it was a kid on a bike,” Athena said. “Avoided hitting him head on but Andrew fell. Hit his head.”

In that moment a doctor and the first nurse that Buck had seen walked in. Her eyes narrowed on him when he saw him and Buck knew he was in trouble now.

“What is he doing in here?” She asked. “He’s not supposed to be here. It’s family only and—”

“And do we look like we’re related to him,” Athena said at once. “We are his family. That includes Buck.”

Olivia came running in, then. “Anyway, he’s his fiance,” she said. “Has every right to be here, Maria. Saved his life and everything.”

Buck felt all of their eyes on him and if he had ever wanted the floor or the universe itself to swallow him whole it was in that moment.

“Well...we’re not exactly—”

“You’re engaged!” Isabel said at that same moment.

Hen was covering her mouth and Chimney’s mouth was open in shock. Athena looked a little confused and Bobby almost shared her expression. But it was Isabel that held his attention.

“I — well not exactly,” he said and he noted how Isabel just lit up.

“But he wants to ask him,” the ever so helpful nurse threw in. Olivia was going to be the death of him.

Buck could have face palmed. He was really not getting out of this unscathed.

“Well that is...I—”

Isabel was looking at him with far too much expectation.

“We’re not engaged exactly,” Buck said.

“But you want to be,” Athena said.

Buck had no idea what made him nod.

----

Next Chapter

Notes: Thank you to anyone reading and please let me know what you thought. :)

I will be trying to be consistent with updating so it shouldn't be too long of a wait between chapters.

Anyone that wants to be tagged on future chapters do let me know.

#911 fox #buddie #buddie fic #911 fic #buck x eddie #movie au #while you were sleeping au #fic #my fic #I'm With You #emquin fic

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theartofmusicology · 4 years

Text

Not gonna lie, waking up at 6 am everyday is hard. Especially in quarantine, on holidays and especially for the first week its very hard. The first day was okay because we had made the promise to ourselves that we were going to get up. It felt very spontaneous as we hadn't done any planning at all so we did spend some time sitting around saying "what are we going to do next?" but what we did do was really good. Due to it being our first day, we did a lot of admin; I set up a money tracking page for both of us, made a shopping list, created a weekly planner spread sheet and wrote out a big huge to do list of things I had to do and learn in this strange quarantine holiday break period thing.

Overall, the first day left us feeling really motivated to continue. We struggled to get to bed at 9 like we said we were going to because we got so stuck into the work that we were doing. We had decided to treat ourselves to Mexican food for dinner and Uber eats messed it up so that took a while to sort out and then we sat down with a friend to watch Phantom of the Opera 25th Anniversary performance because it is a favourite in our house. We ended up going to bed late but sometimes thats the reality of life.

Tuesday was a tough day to get out of bed. Apparently you can turn off your alarm and fall asleep again without remembering. I know because I did it and then I only actually woke up when Sophie texted me. After that, it was a really productive day and I got everything on my to do list done (including over an hour of singing practice which was really good to get done). Tuesday we managed to get to bed fairly on time as well. Its amazing how just shifting your life hours forwards can make you so productive and fulfilled. Not going to lie we were also exhausted at the same time.

Wednesday, I found, was really easy to get out of bed. Our walk was really lovely and we managed to catch the sunrise which I think gave us a little bit more motivation to keep going. There's nothing quite like the sunrises and sunsets here in Perth. I got almost everything that I wanted to done. I also managed to film my duet which meant I could concentrate on other things. Wednesday taught us that we can't schedule everything. As we were leaving uni we ran into our friends and had a really good chat (1.5m away of course). It absolutely wasn't planned and yes, it cut into our time doing other things and yes, we ate dinner later than planned but in a time like this, its so important to keep in contact with your loved ones and people who bring so much joy into your life.

Thursday was the same as every other day. We went for our walk, came home, ate brekky and we were productive. I was able to go and do some dance as well which was really fun and therapeutic. I found I was working harder and I had more energy then I did while we were sort of just doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, not stetting alarms and things like that.

Friday was a tough day to say the least. Getting out of bed was fine and we got our coffee on our morning walk but as the day went on it got harder. I got some work done in the morning and a close friend dropped some (very yummy) bagels off on their morning bike ride, which was very thoughtful of them to check in on us in such a time. I had a very hard singing lesson in which I felt kind of useless because I had no idea what was going on the entire time because I am a music theatre student and we have been working through the Vaccai vocalises and the recitative vocalise at the end of the book is very challenging, even for the classical students. So that kind of put a stump on my day. While I spent a few hours kind of moping around, I also got some things done. I tried to do some school work but my brain wasn't in the right mode to do any academia so I decided to do some more domestic tasks instead. I did things that I'd normally do on a Friday such as my washing and cleaning, I also made a little collage of 'rainy day reminders' on our fridge because I don't want anyone else in my house feeling like they aren't good enough or they don't know whats going on. It was a kind of therapy for me to write out little positive things for others because it also was a sort of self reminder that positivity is a choice and its what you make of the 'bad' things that matters.

Saturday was an unplanned day. What we had planned, only sort of got done and then a whole lot of other things happened during the day. We started off with a stretch to try out my fitness assignment program. We then made some brekky and started work on our blog. I was falling asleep working on some posts so I got up and went into my room. While I was in there, I found some things that I needed that I was wanting to get our of my suitcases and I put some washing away. After this, I was more awake and able to concentrate on the work that I was doing. I smashed out a couple of blog posts before we went to get ingredients to make scones and do our meal planning. After we made our scones, a friend came upstairs to us and watched a movie and then a few more people came up for drinks. We went to bed really late, like 1am late. It was a real challenge to stay up until 1 but it was a good night with our friends. I think this just goes to show how much our social lives impact our sleeping patterns. It reminds us that things come up and sometimes you do just stay up and have a bottle of wine until 1 and talk about life and that's okay!

Sunday was a late start. We woke up at 7am and stayed in bed for another 20ish minutes. I got up first and started cleaning up and making our pre-planned pancakes. After a wholesome brekky, we went shopping and did our groceries for the week. When we got home, we emptied out our cupboards and rearranged them so now they are all completely organised. We had some lunch and then I went to uni where I was at uni for about 4 hours and then came home and ate dinner and did some weekly admin. I crashed really easily because I was SO tired from staying up late the night before but as long as you catch up on the sleep, its fine. Sunday was a fairly slow day but I love that we were able to be so domestic.

Overall, this week has taught me a lot about who I am as a person and who I have the potential to be. Getting up at 6am has been a good way to kickstart my productivity. I used to think that I would never become a morning person and don't get me wrong, getting out of my cozy bed to go for a walk when its freezing cold is really hard - but the fact that i have someone to do it with is really motivating and makes it so much more enjoyable. Obviously I know that when uni goes back I will have to adjust this routine because of my schedule but I don't mind so much because I will still be established in this routine. I have loved being able to learn new skills (Sophie is teaching me how to cook because I never learned) and having more time during my day to get stuff done. Ultimately, I think its changed my life for the better and I can be more productive now, which is something that year 12 really took out of me.

~ Carolyn xo

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pembrokewkorgi · 5 years

Text

May has been hell...

May has not been a good month for me, and it’s really eating at me. So please forgive me for being a whiny bitch for a moment, because I got to dump all these emotions out somehow, and my usual stuff doesn’t really feel like it’s working, or it’s just temporary.

1. Grandfather passed away, had to attend a memorial service for him, because he didn’t want a big funeral or anything, had to help clean his office and look through his stuff, deal with certain family members being absolute garbage, and an all around unhappy experience.

I’m still not over the fact Grandpa is gone, like part of me still feels completely in denial of that... like that didn’t happen...

2. Some of my long time friends on the internet feel less and less like friends, more like acquaintances, with some of them acting outright rude to me every time I’ve remotely tried interacting with them. Making me feel like we’re not friends anymore, and the real worst time for me to be dealing with that, because it makes me wonder if I should just cut them off from all interactions, or just continue to barely talk to them.

3. Trying to get into better shape. I’ve been struck with extreme loneliness, but due to stuff with my ex-wife, I’ve been left damaged self esteem about my looks. I’m trying to get in better shape, because when I considered joining a dating site, I took a picture of myself, and almost busted into tears looking at how I currently look. I want to be happy with how I look before I feel I can try and start dating with anyone. This realization was still very emotionally upsetting to me. The slow process of losing weight, sure isn’t helping my frustrations either.

4. Financial issues keep piling on me, my now dissolved marriage have left me with a lot of debt that has constantly been piling on me. Add in car problems, medical bills, and the fact my eyesight seems to be getting worse by the day, and it’s been really stressful for me. I’m doing my best to get everything taken care of, but it constantly feels like things are getting worse rather than better.

5. The second most upsetting thing on this list and the most recent is a bomb my job dropped on me. See for several years now, I’ve worked the third shift at my job, from 7PM to 6AM. This was perfect for me, because I’m a night owl. I’m not even remotely a morning person. I always feel more comfortable being awake during the night and asleep during the day. BUT the biggest reason I liked this shift, was since we got less calls at this time, there would be slow periods that would allow me time to work on my other stuff. Comics, ask blogs, art, videos, what have you.

Out of the blue, my job tells me that they’re moving me to day shift and I get no say in the matter. The issue is they want more coverage during the times of 6-11AM, and rather than hire a new person, they decide to sacrifice one of the three people from the third shift, and I was the one selected. I have to start at the beginning of June and I get no say in the matter.

So now I’m paranoid and scared I won’t be able to keep up with all the content I’ve been doing all this time, and it’s really worrying me, because making comics and videos is what I truly enjoy (unlike my job).

But that’s not even the worst part. See, working third shift also gave me a third shift differential, ie I got paid extra for working after normal business hours. Being moved to day shift is going to cause me to lose that, and thus lose somewhere between $100 - $130 out of each of my paychecks, and I already lose $200 because of child support.

I can’t afford to quit my job, at least not for a few more years, because I have child support to pay, and my job does give good medical insurance to both me and my child, the latter of which is diabetic and needs it for all her meds and what not.

There’s some other stuff, but I really can’t think of it right now.

I just feel defeated, stomped on, and I don’t know what I can do but let the world beat me up.

So yeah. May sucks ass... I would say at least the month is almost over, but June already has a shitty start coming... so it’s hard to keep my spirits high.

I’m sorry about unloading all this on you guys, and sorry for all the whining, I just had to get it all off my chest, before I explode.

If you just scrolled past this, fine, I understand.

If you read all this, then I love you, and thank you all for listening to me bitch.

Thanks again.

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forestpines · 5 years

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A Death

(cw: death, hospitals, cancer)

So, it’s never a good sign when a hospital phones you at 2am, is it.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer a little bit over three years ago. No doubt it was growing inside him for a year or two before that, but three years ago was when it suddenly became symptomatic, when he woke up one morning to discover he was randomly bleeding from his nose and his mouth, because his blood had given up on the concept of clotting. Prostate cancer had already spread from his prostate through most of his skeleton, to the point that it was Definitely Not Curable. Manageable, though, so much so that he may well, they said, die of something else first.

At first when the phone rang, I thought it was my alarm. Then realised it was a landline number, from my old home town, some sort of switchboard number. I didn’t catch it before the phone stopped. Then, whoever it was immediately rang back a second time.

I’d last spoken to him a couple of weeks earlier, after he phoned to tell me that he’d been to his consultant again. That was that. Not worth taking any more chemotherapy. He was going to be keeping him on one of his current treatments: it might, if he was lucky, keep him alive until the end of the year. If it didn’t work, he probably had a few weeks left.

I answered the phone rather blearily, to a random woman with my old home town’s accent asking if it was me. I found I couldn’t really speak, because I had already guessed where she was calling from and why she was calling. “He’s very confused and very tachycardic. We think you should come to the hospital.”

My mum had phoned a few days earlier to tell me he’d been admitted. He was having trouble breathing, so they had rushed him in in an ambulance, on oxygen. His spleen was failing. “They said his spleen is dead,” in my mother’s words. Now, I know you can happily live without any spleen at all, if you have to have it pulled out for some reason, but when a cancer patient suddenly starts to have unconnected organs turn into big and entirely non-functional lumps of meat, you know it’s not going to be long before phrases like “multiple organ failure” make the rounds.

The hospital was four hours’ drive away. I sat down and had a cup of tea.

Driving through the night, I wondered quite how I was going to react. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad show any sort of emotion of any sort. The day of his mother’s funeral, or any of the days leading up to it that I was home for, he didn’t cry a single tear. After the funeral we went home for lunch, then went out to buy a new camera. I tell a lie: he could get angry, he could shout, he could withdraw into a fuming silent rage. I’ve never seen him be sad, though, or show any kind of tender emotion. The roads were quiet, at first, and I had plenty of time to think about it. By 6am I was overtaking long lines of trucks heading to the North Sea ports, all of us still over half an hour away from our destinations, and I was driving towards a faint smear of dirty orange dawn light. By the time I reached the hospital, worked out where to park, it was just about dawn.

Of course, being half asleep when I’d answered the phone, I hadn’t actually thought to ask where in the hospital he was. It’s a big place, although strangely smaller than it felt when I had to go there to have my teeth sorted as a child, but the oncology ward was a very, very long walk from the entrance. When I reached the doors I had to ring a few times before a nurse came to the door to let me in; and then they hadn’t heard of him.

“Is he in A&E?”

“No, he’s an Oncology patient, and he was admitted on Sunday.”

She kindly led me to the nurses’ station and sat down at the computer, working down the list of wards until I spotted his name. And then another long walk, almost all the way back to the entrance and round another long set of stairs and corridors. I glided through the ward doors behind a nurse coming onto shift (hospitals are generally terrible at security) and found the nurses’ station. “Someone phoned about my father; he’s dangerously ill,” I said; they didn’t really need to ask who I was. “Oh!” they said instead, “you drove all that way straight here!”

He was in an isolation room at the far end of the ward. Not covered in tubes and probes as you might expect, other than an oxygen tube to his nose. He was almost naked, seemed to have thrown all the covers off the bed. Pale, almost hairless save a whiskery patch on each side of his chin, as if hairs had poured down from the corners of his mouth. He laid awkwardly, but he was awake, mumbling. My mother was there, and one of my uncles. I have a pair of uncles who are identical twins, and now I only see them occasionally every few years, it can be hard to work out which is which. I mentally started thinking to myself to avoid saying anything which might imply I thought I knew which uncle it was.

Dad’s eyes were dull, but he looked at me, and said something to me. “See, I said he would come to see you,” said my mother. He mumbled. Even unintelligible, he still had the same patterns of speech. He fumbled, moving his legs, trying to slip one out of the bed.

“Lie down and rest,” I said, like dealing with a sick child.

Mumbling: something about getting up. His breathing was forced, gasping, but strong and regular.

“No, you need to rest. You’re better here.” His skin was speckled with strange, fresh moles, some of them gory red lumps, like overactive birthmarks, standing proud from the skin by a quarter-inch or so. He was covered in bruises, including a large one roughly where, I suspected, the “dead” spleen would be. He started to pull at a sticky pad on his leg: it wasn’t actually being used, but looked as if it might have been for fastening a catheter tube down. “You can’t pull that off,” I said, “it says the glue is too strong. You need a special solvent.” It did indeed say “only remove with alcohol,” and I don’t think it meant “take shots so you don’t feel it.”

Mumbling: thirsty, maybe?

“Here’s your tea,” said my mother, passing him some very milky tea in a lidded plastic beaker. I knew when he had been admitted he had been nil-by-mouth; had that passed because it wasn’t necessary, or had that passed because he was on the way out anyway?

It felt like a long time, at the time, but writing this a few days later, my memory has compressed hours into a few flashes. My mother phoned the friend who gives her a lift to church every Thursday. “I’m in hospital,” she said, as if there wasn’t anyone else in the room. “They called me at 1am.” I wondered to what degree I was the second resort - how long had they waited between phoning each of us? I don’t trust my mother’s memory for facts. He drifted away to sleep a little, but the nurses came to wash him and change his sheets, as they did at that time every morning. They asked us to leave the room, so we headed down to the deserted hospital restaurant, another very long walk away, down the same corridor that led towards the mortuary. I didn’t really want to eat, even though I had been starving whilst driving, so from the breakfast selection I asked for just a coffee, a sausage and a slice of black pudding. “Just that?” said the server, with a very puzzled look.

We sat by the window looking at the morning sky, and having relatively normal conversation. I tried not to wonder whether he would die whilst we were having breakfast, and instead wondered as to whether he would actually die today at all. This might be a false alarm; just a turn he had in the night.

He was still alive when we came up to the ward, in clean sheets, covered up now, still slumped sideways and vaguely half-awake. The nurses tried to rearrange his pillows, sit him upright, and he slowly drifted off to sleep. His breathing still the same: harsh, gasping, mouth open despite the oxygen tube by his nose. He slumped sideways again, and the nurses decided to leave him be. In his sleep, he dozily tried to pull the oxygen tube from his shoulder, but didn’t have the energy or the coordination. The consultant and the doctors arrived on their morning round: a garrulous Scottish chap in a red shirt, Mr McAdam. “I’m sorry we have to meet like this,” he said, and complimented me on my facial hair. “We had a very lucid conversation the other day,” he said, “and we agreed it would be wrong to take any further serious interventions. Just too much suffering. He was happy with that decision.” And he ran through the list of problems my dad was facing. A burst stomach, leading to a thrombus. An infarcted spleen. Liver failure due to an additional liver disease. He didn’t actually say “multiple organ failure,” but he didn’t need to. I realised, which I don’t think the doctors did, that Dad’s breathing was getting noticeably weaker as the doctors were stood around him. He was still breathing, though, even though it was definitely more shallow, definitely longer between breaths. The doctors filed out, trying to strike a balance between the bustle of rounds and the sombre tone needed around the families of the dying.

We watched him breathing, slower, slower and weaker, because there was not much else to do or think about. “I thought he’d gone there,” said my mum, “but then he started again.” She leaned in to see more closely, and held his hand.

There were a few seconds between breaths. The breaths themselves were shallow, hard to hear, very different from the gasping of a few hours earlier. And then: I didn’t think I could hear or see any more. Nothing, and more nothing. I slipped my phone out of my pocket, and took a photo of him: the phone made his skintone much healthier than reality did. “I think he’s gone,” I said. It was five to eleven in the morning.

A nurse passed the door, so I waved and beckoned her in. “We think he’s gone.”

She looked down at him, carefully. “I’ll call the doctors,” she said, “so they can pronounce. Do you want a cup of tea?” She went out, closing the door this time, and came back with tea, in the big mugs of the nurses, not the small mugs that visitors get; and some biscuits. We sat, dipping ginger nuts, the almost-certainly-dead corpse of my father in front of us. “I keep expecting him to jump up and say it’s all a joke,” said my mother.

It took over half an hour for the doctors to arrive; their job is to care for the living, after all. We stood outside the closed door of the room whilst they ran through whatever it is they do, working in a pair, I assume in case a lone doctor might be tempted to Shipmanise a still-living patient. “Do you want to go back and see him after they have done?” said a nurse. We went back inside the room; they didn’t appear to have moved him at all. Still slumped against the siderails of the bed, mouth still open, eyes still shut. His skin, getting on for an hour now after death, was white-pale and waxy-looking. I took another photo; the camera still tried to give him a normal human skintone.

“I don’t want to say goodbye,” said my mother, but we walked out of the room and closed the door behind us.

“The doctors will write up their notes,” said a nurse, “and you have to go to...ooh, I don’t know!” She shouted to another nurse: “Where do they get the certificate? Is it the cashier?”

“It used to be the cashier,” said the other nurse, “now it’s the bereavement office.” Well that should be obvious, I thought. “I’d go in the morning, it probably won’t be ready today. Give us a call first to check. I’ll give you a booklet.”

We walked back down the long, long corridor, holding our fresh copy of “Help for the bereaved: a practical guide for family and friends” Where the corridor joined the next, we had to squeeze past a folding screen which hadn’t been in our way before, and a sign that said “For Ward 3 Enquiries, ask at Ward 4″; and I realised, it was a death screen, to make sure that no random strangers saw my father being wheeled in his bed, slumped against the siderails, over to the lifts and down the long corridor down towards the restaurant and the mortuary. We walked out down the corridor, and I wondered what would happen next.

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urdbell18 · 5 years

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A Seed Hidden In the Heart Chapter 14: The One Where Paris isn’t the City of Romance pt. 2 side A

Zelda arrived at Charles de Gaulle a little after 6am. She was tired both physically and mentally, she could never sleep on planes and being next to Faustus didn’t help. She couldn’t relax enough to even micro sleep not when every time Faustus moved it made her jump out of her skin. According to the itinerary that Faustus gave her they would spend the majority of the morning and afternoon settling into their hotel and then after some of the groups would do a night tour of one of the museums. The groups that weren’t going on the tour where going to a movie that was playing not that far from their hotel. Zelda’s group wasn’t going on the tour and for that she was grateful, she didn’t think she could muster the energy to walk around and pay attention to her students.

Between the airport and the bus Faustus took charge, the students listened well enough to him so all Zelda had to do was make sure there were no stranglers and do the occasional head check. When they got to the hotel it was still serving breakfast and the hotel was kind enough to let them eat while Faustus collected the keys to their rooms. When they were done they moved to an unoccupied meeting room so they weren’t crowding the lobby.

“Attention students.” The students loud chattering instantly died down. Zelda might not like Faustus anymore but she did respect the power he had over his students. “I have your room assignments. There will absolutely be no swapping, any student who is found outside their assigned room will lose the privilege to go into the city no excuses. Any student found with an unauthorized person in their room or outside after curfew will also be banned and you will be suspended once we return to the Academy. Before I hand out room assignments I would like to point out our guest. Everyone this is Ms. Zelda Spellman.” Faustus pointed at her and with everyone's attention on her Zelda nodded politely. “Ms. Spellman is taking the place of my wife so treat her as you would Mrs. Blackwood. Now for the rooms…” Faustus then spent the next fifteen minutes handing out rooms to both students and teachers. When they were done they headed to their rooms in small groups. After the last of the students that went up with Zelda entered their rooms Zelda entered hers and collapsed onto the bed with a soft groan. With hours until their next activity Zelda could do what she wanted.

There were two things that Zelda at the moment wanted, sleep and a hot shower. Sleep was unattainable, she had coffee at breakfast and now she was wide awake. So she decided to shoot for the attainable. Using the luggage rack from the closet Zelda propped open her suitcase against the wall near her bed. When she opened her suitcase something felt… off. She was sure it wasn’t the way she packed it but couldn’t say it for certain. After all she packed almost half a week ago and a lot has happened between then and now. She tried not to let it bug her until she saw it under a stack of shirts. Now she might not remember everything that she packed but she knew for a fact that Ambrose’s laptop should not be in her suitcase. She pulled it out, the power cord was still attached but coiled neatly in a manner that Zelda appreciated. When she opened the lid there was a single post it note on the screen that said: in due time. Only Mary would be that cryptic and Zelda, wondering what her girlfriend had planned, placed the laptop on the table but went back to finding her toiletry bag.

With her bag and fresh underthings Zelda entered the bathroom. It was nice and spacious, the smooth marble felt cool under her feet. The light tan color of the floor and the shower stall made a nice contrast to the white fixtures of sinks and the bathtub making it easy on the eyes instead of blinding like a pure white bathroom would do. The second Zelda laid eyes on the tub thoughts of taking a shower left her. The tub was clawed foot with a high back and little gold legs. It looked absolutely inviting and Zelda decided to give in. As hot water filled the tub Zelda looked around the bathroom to see what was provided; soap, shampoo, lotion, and towels, basic hotel things. After measuring the towels and finding even the biggest towel a little too short Zelda left the bathroom to get a robe from the closet. She was still alone in her hotel room, she was suppose to have a roommate but so far they were a no show. Despite being alone Zelda locked the bathroom door behind her, she felt more secure with the door locked. When the tub was halfway full Zelda added some mint bath salt in the water, the scent wafted in the air to create a nice subtle aroma. When the tub was ready Zelda, after placing a towel on the floor and her hair in a bun to keep it dry, got in. A moan of absolute bliss escaped Zelda’s lips. The hot water felt absolutely wonderful on her tired muscles. What would have made this moment absolutely perfect was some soft music and maybe some wine but this was pretty good on its own. She was in the tube for about twenty minutes before the water became too cool for her liking. After towel driving off and placing on her fresh underwear she wrapped the robe around her body, making sure it was tired nicely in place and covering everything she wanted covered. Stepping out into the main room sent a chill down her spine but the robe kept some of the warmth from her bath so it was short. The warmth and relax feeling didn’t last.

“What are you doing here Faustus?” Faustus turned from the full length mirror where he stood. Faustus was the only person that Zelda knew who would travel in a three piece suit. His jacket was folded over the back of a chair and the color of his shirt was popped up. He was unbuttoning the cuffs of his shirt when he saw her.

“Staff room arrangement were made months ago I saw no reason to change them.” He gave Zelda a look of indifference as though he didn’t understand why she was making a raise of them being in the same room. Oh, there were plenty of reasons why Zelda could object but Faustus just turned into the bathroom leaving her just standing there. Zelda huffed and went straight to her suitcase to get dressed, she quickly pulled on some pants and a new shirt. A few minutes later she heard the shower go off, it was her chance to make a quick escape. After grabbing her roomkey, purse, and book she left. When she got into the elevator she let out a sigh of relief, it was the first breath she could release without her chest tightening. After she arrived at the lobby she went to the front desk to inquire about a different room, she wanted to be moved into a single but the person behind the desk apologized and said they were full. Zelda understood, it was the holidays and people traveled. It looked like she was stuck with Faustus. Her only saving grace was Faustus was old fashion so she had her own bed. If they were sharing Zelda would have packed up her things and left Hawthorne be damned.

Not wanting to go back to her room Zelda spent a minute thinking where she wanted to go. The hotel had a bar and she could go there order a glass of wine or some scotch as she read her book but it was early and she was in Paris. Paris was known for a lot of things and its been years since she’s been to a cafe. That’s where she went, there was a cafe on the same block as the hotel and the weather was nice that she could sit outside in the parisian air while looking over the seine. She was harder to find this way which sealed the deal. Or so she thought. For about an hour she was undisturbed, she ordered some tea and sipped it off and on as she read her book which she planned to introduce to her French 3 class during their final month.

“Ms. Spellman.” Zelda looked up from her book to see Prudence. Even though it had been a few years Zelda remembered Prudence. Prudence and her friends Agatha and Dorcas are what Sabrina calls ‘the mean girl clique’ of the Academy. Zelda did not deny that Prudence had a power over the teachers that other students didn’t posses. In her tenure at the Academy Prudence had gotten away with several rule breaking actions with little to no consequence all because of her connection to Faustus. Illaginament or not Prudence milked the fact that she is Faustus’ daughter to anyone who crossed her. Zelda knowing that this trip would go easier if she was on Prudence’s good side put on a respectful smile.

“Prudence nice to see you.”

“I’m surprised to see you. I haven’t seen you at the Academy in almost five years.”

“I needed a change of pace.”

“To a public school where you’re overworked and paid very little? Father said that your principle makes you teach all of the foreign language classes all on your own with no break.”

“Funny I don’t remember asking for your or your father’s opinion.”

“Rumor has it you left the Academy due to a personal falling out with Father.”

“Well I can’t help what you children think.”

“It’s not us who think this. It’s the teachers. It was all forgotten until Father mentioned that you would be joining us on this trip. Some even objected to you going.”

“I’m sure they did. Now if you are done boring me with ancient history I would like to return to my reading.”

“Certainly. But as the saying goes history comes back to haunt us. See you later Ms. Spellman.” Zelda watched Prudence go. While she remained perfectly composed her blood boiled. She didn’t need Prudence to bring up her past or remind her that she was at risk of relieving it. She knew that the second Constance said she was taking her place. What she will not do is fall back on those old ways, she was better, had to be better than that. For herself and more importantly for Vida. No longer in the mood to read she downed the rest of her tea despite it going cold and left.

_______________

It was late when Zelda and her group returned to the hotel. If she remembered her military time 22:50 meant it was almost eleven and they had to be up early. Even though it was only 5:00 back home Zelda was exhausted. With Faustus on first patrol she enjoyed the freedom of being alone. Though she kept as much distance between herself and Faustus as she could without making it obvious this was the first time that she could relax. She dressed in her nightgown and while she was applying lotion to her elbows her phone rang. She cursed at being disturbed but when she saw Mary’s name and picture flash on the screen she scrambled to answer it.

“Hi!”

“Is this a bad time?”

“Not at all. I miss you. God I’ve only been gone for less then a day and I miss you and Vida so much.”

“Well I have something that could help with that. Did you find the surprise I left you?”

“If you’re referring to Ambrose’s laptop I did. How did you get that in my suitcase?”

“I have my ways. Now here’s what I want you to do. Power on the laptop.” Zelda whispered an okay and went to the table that she placed Ambrose’s laptop. As it booted up she found an outlet to place the plug in.

“Alright it’s on.”

“Okay first are you connected to the internet?” It took Zelda a minute to figure out where that would be displayed on the laptop and then connect to the wifi of the hotel. When she confirmed that she was connected Mary continued. “Okay I want you to open a web browser and you should see a link on the home page that says Skype, click on it.”

“Okay then what?”

“Wait for it.” After clicking the link Zelda waited for the website to load, she noted that it was all set up and on the screen was a symbol that looked like a phone in a green circle and under the button it said ‘call home’. Zelda pressed it and a minute later Mary was on the screen with her cellphone pressed to her ear smirking at her. Zelda sat in her seat in complete disbelief. She couldn’t believe that Mary was really there, yes she was seeing her through a screen but she was there. And that overwhelming feeling that filled her made tears form, a few fell. “Don’t do that when I’m not there. You know how I am when I see you cry.” Zelda did know. Mary’s overprotective nature made her go on the defense when someone she cared for was hurt. Zelda might not be the most forthcoming with her emotions but everytime she displayed hurt Mary was there in a nanosecond doing what she can to make it better rather it be a hug or threat of harm on her behalf. It made Zelda miss her that much more. It took her a minute but Zelda was able to compose herself, to push back her tears.

“How’s it going over there?”

“You mean is your house still standing? It’s perfectly intact.”

“And Vida?”

“Rough. According to Hilda she didn’t sleep at all last night. She went from one room to the next but never settling down. She’s been sleeping off and on all day.” Zelda didn’t think it would be possible for her heart to break even more than it was but at that moment it did. Hearing her baby suffering because she wasn’t there, it made her wonder if Vida was truly okay when she spent those nights at Mary’s. But Hilda would have told her if something was wrong and this was completely different. Vida was already vulnerable emotionally, her leaving just added fuel to the fire. It meant drastic measures must be taken and she made a mental note to call Hilda when she was done talking to Mary. “Hang on a second Zelda.” Zelda nodded and Mary left the screen. Where Mary’s head used to be was a picture, it was a bit blurry but something nagged at Zelda that she had seen it before. The longer she stared at it the more the feeling grew and that’s when it hit her. It was her brother’s wedding picture which was hung on the wall just outside the kitchen. Mary was in her house. Why was Mary in her house? Mary came back, in her arms was Vida. “You want to say hi to your Mommy?” Zelda could pick up the faint whine of her daughter as she lifted her head from Mary’s shoulder. Zelda knew instantly that Vida was tired, her eye’s didn’t have that shine behind them and she looked a little pale.

“Hi baby.” Some color came to Vida’s face when she could register that the image on the computer was real. A grin, a smile that Zelda always associate with Vida, spread across Vida’s face. To Zelda it felt like it happened in slow motion but in reality was a nanosecond but seeing that light come back into her daughter, it made her feel a little better.

“Mommy!” Vida got as close to the computer as she could, taking up a majority of the screen. The screen shook and Zelda could hear Mary telling Vida to back up a little and after some readjusting Zelda had a good view of Vida and Mary. “I miss you Mommy.”

“I miss you too baby. Just five more days and I’ll be home. Mary says you’ve been sleepy. What happened why couldn’t you sleep last night?”

“Missed you.”

“Did you remember what I said?” Vida, after stifling a yawn, nodded. “Good. I expect a lot of good stories from you. Do you have plans?” Vida shook her head but Mary nudged her.

“Yes you do. Remember we’re going to the aquarium on Tuesday.”

“Oh yeah.” Mary and Zelda smiled at each other. Vida was a combination of tired and emotionally drained, there was only so much they were going to get out of her. Out of the corner of her eye Mary looked at something and it caused her to frown.

“We only have two more minutes. Is there anything else you want to say to your Mommy Vida?” Vida just shook her head and started to squirm out of Mary’s hold. She ran off the second Mary put her down. Zelda, though crushed, understood why her daughter ran, she couldn’t handle another goodbye. “Zelda I-”

“It’s okay. I have to tell you something and I better make it quick. I have a bottle of my perfume on my vanity squirt some on her blanket, the small blue one and wrap Oso in it. From Vida’s books take Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? I don’t recall if I have it in english I know I have it in Spanish. It should knock her right out.”

“Okay I think I can manage.”

“One last thing. Why are you in my house?”

“Vida needed me.” Zelda smiled and after saying goodbye Mary vanished from the screen. Zelda sat at the computer for a minute still trying to process what happened. Some time, Zelda didn’t know when, Mary set up this Skype thing to help her through this ordeal. And she dropped everything to go to her house to help with Vida on top of watching her when Hilda was away. While Zelda kept saying she was ready for Mary to take on more she didn’t expect Mary to take on this much so quickly. Zelda even revealed her secret bed time routine for when Vida needed that extra bit of comfort. Thinking of it now she did have Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? in English but Vida responded better with the Spanish version. It would be interesting to hear how it went with Mary. The door to her hotel room slammed closed and Zelda turned around to see Faustus enter, his face full of exhaustion.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Zelda turned back to the computer and shut it down. Behind her she could hear Faustus move around but she wasn’t tense. She was completely relaxed, not jumpy or on edge. She settled into her bed, not given Faustus any mind and fell into a deep sleep.

_______________

Being a chaperone was if anything tedious. Zelda’s duties were limited to making sure that the students that were in her group stayed in eye sight and were respectful to whoever was their tour guide at the moment. She tried to do something that would reflect her role as not only a teacher but someone who knew the language and the city. She was shot down every time, dismissed or ignored like she didn’t say anything. Eventually she just kept her mouth shut. Though not treated like an equal she still had the same duties like taking a night shift. Night shifts were split into three hour blocks where a chaperone like herself would overlook the hallways that housed the rooms that were occupied by the students. Staff patrol started around eleven and the last shift was at 5. If on the first patrol they would do a bed check and a final head count before Faustus would put tape on the doors. Her job was to make sure the tape didn’t break. It was a boring job, one that Zelda found herself almost falling asleep on.

Tuesday was relatively going to be an easy day. The students were scheduled to take one of the featured tours then after lunch to explore the museum on their own to work on some project they were assigned, Zelda was never given any details nor asked. They arrived at the Louvre just as it opened, it was an early tour. A tour guide was supposed to meet them outside the museum to start the tour with the museums bigger pieces; the museum itself. There guide wasn’t there and that cause Faustus to go into a tirade with the person running the ticket office. His tantrum, as Zelda saw it, attracted the attention of one of the museums curators. The curator apologized but said that there was some sort of mix up in confirming the tour and that all their tours for that day were full. They were offered audio tours free of charge but that didn’t please Faustus. He scoffed and waved at his deputy saying to handle it. He stormed off, no one made a move to chase him. The deputy after cutting the tension that Faustus storming off caused moved the students to collect the audio tours. Zelda hung back even as the students and some of the chaperone’s moved into the museum, she was too focused on the curator. The second that Zelda saw the curator she couldn’t help but think she saw this woman before, it was on the tip of her brain but she couldn’t grasp it. The curator, when the last of Zelda’s party had moved on, looked at her the same way.

“Zelda? No it can’t be.” The curator stepped closer and Zelda, who was about one second to go onto the defence, didn’t when she saw the name of the woman’s badge.

“Isabeth. Long time no seen.” After embracing they kissed each other’s cheek, a common greeting in France.

“What are you doing here? I distinctly remember you saying that once you left you’d never return which you know broke my heart because I was never leaving.”

“It’s a long story.”

“Ooh. This I’ve got to hear.” Isabeth offered Zelda her elbow, she took it and they walked into the museum.

______________

“So why are you in Paris?” Zelda looked at Isabeth over the rim of her tea cup. Isabeth led her through the back tunnels of the museum to her office. It was quite impressive with a large oak desk and several paintings on the wall. Zelda and Isabeth sat at the tea table that was next to a large picture window that offered an amazing birds eye view of the main floor of the museum. Isabeth’s assistant brought them a tray of warm tea and some small pastries. Zelda wasn’t hungry so she just took tea.

“I’m filling in for another teacher.” Isabeth’s eyes went wide and she started to laugh like she just heard the greatest joke ever.

“You’re a teacher!? I don’t know who I feel more sorry for you or your students. Tell me you don’t work for the man who behaves like a five year old?”

“For the next three days I do and after that I hope to never see him again. And considering I have a four year old I resent that.” If it was possible Isabeth’s eyes went even wider but this time shock.

“You have a kid!? Now you must start at the beginning.”

“Where do you want me to start?”

“How about when you left Paris. What happened to you ma cherie?” Zelda took a generous sip of her tea before setting down her cup. She sat there in silence, watching the liquid swirl around inside the cup and running her thumb over the edge of the rim.

“My brother found me the second I stepped foot off the train.”

“No!”

“Mhm. Took me back that same day. My mother was furious.”

“And what she punished you by making you became a teacher?”

“No that’s my own doing.”

“What do you mean?”

“My brother and his wife died orphaning their daughter, my niece Sabrina. At the time I worked as a midwife but the hours were so inconsistent that I had to find another job that would let me be home at night with Sabrina so Hilda could work. It’s how I got tangled with Faustus.”

“Who?”

“The man that was yelling in front of your museum.”

“Ah. The five year old.”

“I told you I take offense to that. My four year old is perfectly well behaved.”

“Yes yes you’ve mentioned that and we’ll get back to that little tidbit later for now I want you to tell me about this Faustus guy there’s history I’m sure.” Isabeth took a silver case out of her pocket and pulled out a cigarette, she offered one to Zelda but she declined. Zelda quit officially when she and Hilda got permanent custody of Sabrina.

“Faustus and my brother worked together. They started a school back where I lived and it became successful. When Edward died Faustus took over the running of the school. When I needed a more stable job that’s where I went and he started my teaching career. At the time I wasn’t qualified and knew nothing about teaching but Faustus knew my skills in languages and used me first as a teaching aid and then later I became a full blown teacher. We… got much closer than we should have. He was married and that was a line I never thought I would cross but I did. I kick myself every time I think about that first time because it created this… need in me and I couldn’t have chosen the worst person to satisfy it. It went on much longer than I’m proud to admit it did. I then committed the greatest betrayal there was.

Faustus hired me to be a midwife to his wife, she was having trouble maintaining a pregnancy and he thought I could help. I took the job and even knowing that he was trying to create a family I still saw him intimately. A consequence is that I became pregnant. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I knew I was capable of raising a child because I’ve been raising Sabrina since she was not even a year old. I was also having a married man’s baby, my child would be the same age as his wife’s. And did I also want to bring a child into this world knowing the only reason she existed was because of an affair? I couldn’t come to a decision on my own and some stupid part of me though it be fair that I get Faustus opinion. To this day I can’t get over how he snarled at me like it was my fault that this parasite was growing inside me. He gave me two options, keep the child and never set foot in his eyesight again or get rid of it and never talk about it again. You know what choice I made.”

“For the better I hope?”

“Walking away was the best thing I ever did. I might despise Faustus but he gave me the best gift ever, my daughter.” Isabeth gave a small smile and nodded to herself.

“May I?” Zelda took out her phone and pulled up the pictures she had of Vida. She had several, ranging from back when Vida was a baby to now. There was a few of Sabrina, Ambrose, and Hilda, it would be the first time that Isabeth would see what her sister looked like instead of having to rely on the description that Zelda have given her. “Adorable. Looks just like you, and for that I am sorry.”

“Hey!”

“Not like that. If she is anything like you with the brains to match that beauty the rest of us are in trouble.”

“So Hilda keeps saying.”

“Who is this?” Isabeth turned the face of her phone to her to show a picture of her Mary and Vida from Christmas. They were in their Christmas pjs sitting on the couch. Vida was curled between them and Zelda had her head on Mary’s shoulder. Mary’s finger could just be seen tangled in her hair. If memory serves Zelda well it was Sabrina who took the picture.

“That’s Mary she’s my girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend as in romantic? Zelda nodded and Isabeth gasped in shock. “Zelda! Well at least your taste in women is better than your taste in men.” Zelda just glared but a moment later she smiled. She wasn’t quite sure how much of Isabeth’s approval she wanted but she was glad her old friend didn’t judge her. Her phone started to vibrate and Faustus’ number flashed on the screen.

“I have to get going.”

“Very well. It was nice catching up with you Zelda, I’ll walk you out.” At the elevator Isabeth hugged her and they kissed each other’s cheeks one last time before Zelda look the elevator back down to the main floor of the museum. Faustus was in the lobby, he wasn’t very happy with her but Zelda waved him off. It was nice to confide in someone, catching up with an old friend made it that much better.

___________________

Zelda could not express the joy she felt on Thursday. She was going home tomorrow! They were taking the early flight home so she would be back in Greendale, back home with her family before dinner. She wished she could talk to Mary but this wasn’t the first time she cursed the time difference. Since talking with Mary on the Skype she had this strange feeling, an empty open air kind of feeling whenever she slept on her side. Sleeping on her back was fine but on her side she felt like something was missing. It was Mary, Mary was missing. She was missing the warmth of Mary pressed against her back as she slept and she wondered when she grew accustomed to that feeling. How she slept without it. Zelda couldn’t dwell on it, the more she thought about her family the more eager she was to go home. She needed to stay calm, focused so she wasn’t on edge.

That afternoon was a bus tour to see the parts of the city they didn’t have time for and then they went back to the hotel so the students could work on their assignments. Zelda took the time to pack, she kept a set of clothes out but made sure that her suitcase was neatly packed and that the items that she needed like her passport were in reach. After some debate she packed Ambrose’s laptop, she wanted to talk to Mary and her daughter one last time but she also didn’t want to forget it either. When she was done packing she turned around to see Faustus, he looked like he was in discomfort.

“Is something wrong?”

“The rest of the faculty members and myself are going to have dinner at the hotel tonight you are welcomed to join us.”

“I don’t know.”

“Come on Zelda it’s just dinner. I know you’ve felt like you haven’t really been apart of the group but you worked just as hard as the rest of us. You have every right to attend.”

“I’ll think about it.” Faustus gave her a smile that once upon a time Zelda found charming but now it sent a twisting feeling in her gut. He left and Zelda was left to think about the offer.

She decided to take the dinner offer. She found a dress that she packed just in case and went down to the lobby. She told the matradee that she was joining another party and gave him Faustus’ name. He led her to a table that was set for two. Though the martdee left her Zelda was hesitant on sitting down. Faustus said this was a staff dinner there was more than just two of them. What was going on? Against her better judgement she sat down and waited for Faustus. Faustus arrived fifteen minutes later, he was lucky she was going to leave in five more minutes.

“Zelda.”

“You said this was a staff dinner.”

“Yes everyone else had other plans.” Zelda didn’t believe him but she had no proof and she was hungry so she bit her tongue. They sat in silence minus them ordering their food and that was fine with Zelda, she wouldn’t choose Faustus as a dining companion if he was the last person on earth. “How is your sister?”

“Excuse me?”

“Just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Don’t.” They didn’t talk again and when their meal was done Zelda was finishing off her wine before heading back to her room.

“Zelda there is something that I want to talk to you about.”

“Make it quick.”

“I want you to come back to the Academy Zelda, the school isn’t the same without you. I miss you.”

“I’m not coming back Faustus.”

“If you won’t come back at least can I get to know her.” Zelda’s heart ran cold at the same time her blood ran hot with rage.

“You bastard. You have no right.”

“She’s my daughter Zelda.”

“You didn’t even want her!”

“Zelda calm-”

“No listen to me very carefully Faustus. You gave up any right to her when you said for me to get rid of her. I made the choice to keep her, she’s mine you have no right to her and I would die before I let you have any part of her.” Zelda not caring who was watching her stormed out of the restaurant. She could not believe Faustus would pull this crap. He had no right to suddenly change his mind for whatever reason he thought was a good reason. It made her sick and when she got to her room she hastily changed and left with her suitcase in hand.

It wasn’t until she was in the sky on a flight to London that Zelda allowed herself to process her emotions. She was angry, flabbergasted, that Faustus would want to, after five years, be apart of Vida’s life. She was also scared. Faustus was a man with means and she knew his reputation of getting what he wanted in the end. What did that mean for her? For Vida? Whatever he wanted Zelda wouldn’t allow it. He made up his mind, she made up hers. There was no hope in changing it.

____________________

When she got off of her connector flight it was early in the morning. She didn’t want to cause a panic so after picking up her suitcases she took a cab home. It was more costly that way but it was the best option. Seeing her house set a wave of emotion through her. She was home. Entering the house she heard her family in the kitchen sitting down for breakfast.

“When’s Zelda’s flight coming in?” From where she stood Zelda could see into the kitchen without herself being seen. Hilda was buzzing around setting down a plate of eggs, Sabrina and Ambrose were in their usual place on the bench, and Mary was next to Vida. Her spot at the front was left vacant.

“Early afternoon I think. If we leave here around noon that should make up the time for us to get there and her going through customs to meet her at bag check.” Mary cut up Vida’s pancakes before moving to her own. Vida wasted no time, she shoved two pieces into her mouth covering her face in blueberry.

“Vida slow down before you choke.” There was a collective gasp before everyone turned to her. Vida was the first to recover, she scrambled out of her seat and ran to her.

“Mommy!” Zelda picked up her daughter, squeezing her tight. She missed everyone but she missed Vida the most. And with Faustus… Zelda tried not to think about it. Zeld went around the table to hug her family, when she got to Mary they shared a kiss before she took her seat with Vida in her lap. Everyone talked over each other as they ate but Zelda didn’t mind. She was with her family, with her daughter and Mary. She was home.

#Madam Satan #Zelda Spellman #madam spellman

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crimsonblackrose · 5 years

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Now that I’ve moved to a city I decided that I should go do the things I want to do. I’m no longer tied down by how difficult it is to catch the bus. This includes going to festivals I want to see. With cherry blossom season in full swing I decided I wanted to see THE cherry blossom festival in Korea. It is, however in Jinhae, which is closer to Busan. (And thus far from me)

I thought I’d go on my own. Make a day trip or a weekend out of it. But then while talking to Gina, she mentioned she was going via WinK. I checked their Facebook events, found the tour and e-mailed them to see if there was any availability left. There was! Which meant I didn’t have to worry about getting there or getting back, or finding my way around. I didn’t have to find a place to stay last minute or worry about almost anything. I just had to pack and be at Seoul National University of Education Station Exit 14 at 10:30pm after work on Friday.

Here’s the schedule we had:

Friday/Saturday

10:30ish depart from in front of WINK taphouse. (short walk from exit 14)

Pick up people along the way to the Jimjilbang/motel after about 3 in the morning.

Meet at 8:15 back at the bus to go to the festival. (Receive muffins!)

9am-Jinhae festival

FREE TIME

11am- Leave Jinhae

1pm- arrive in Gyeongju and rent bikes

FREE TIME

5pm return bikes and head to hostel

6:30/7pm bbq dinner at hostel

8:00 night walk tour of tombs and Anapji pond

Sunday

7:30am Bagels and hot drinks

8am Bulguksa Temple/Namsan Hike

9:30am Seokguram Grotto

11am pick up everyone who tried to sleep in

12:30 Buffet lunch

6:30pm back in Seoul

Pretty busy trip for sure. I wasn’t particularly excited for Gyeongju as I’d already spent an entire Chuseok exploring the city my first year and nothing on our itinerary was new to me.

But this post will cover up through Jinhae. Gyeongju will be in a second post.

First thing was the long journey from Seoul to our Jimjilbang. Practically everyone slept during the bus ride, including our guides. We stopped at a couple spots to pick people up throughout the night/ early morning and there was one “rest stop” included in that. The rest stop was really the bus picking someone up and the rest of us, who were awake, running into a nearby hotel to use their lobby bathroom.

I tried to sleep the rest of the time, grateful I’d brought my eye mask, until our bus driver started yelling. We were making our way up hill and he got stuck due to traffic and seemed rather unhappy. It took a moment for our guides to rouse and in a dazed way figure out why he was unhappy. Turns out the jimjilbang was up a hill and our driver refused to go the rest of the way. So (late) we unboarded and made our way up the steep hill at 4am. Not fun. We all huddled on the steps as our guide tried to get us in. The front desk at first told us that there wasn’t any space available. But our guide reminded them we had a reservation and started calling off our names in groups of threes to collect our jimjilbang pajamas and locker key.

This was my first time staying at a jimjilbang. I’ve heard about them countless times before. Everyone calls them spas and they’re known as a cheap alternative to a hotel/motel/hostel to stay at in South Korea. So cheap, that everyone told me they only cost a couple thousand won. (a couple bucks) When I heard that this one was 10,500 won I thought, oh it must be nice and fancy. It was also much cheaper than staying at the motel which was where or bus had driven off to and which cost about 35,000 won extra.

I headed off with the other ladies on our trip to the women’s locker room and dropped off my shoes in the shoe locker and then my stuff in the big locker. Both went with the number on the key band and then I separated from the rest of the group to head downstairs to take a shower.

For some reason I thought there’d be more. I don’t know why, but I thought toiletries would be included. Or at least more than communal bars of soap. The ground felt grimy and I really wished I had shower shoes. A couple other people headed down with me and I took, quite possibly the quickest shower in my life. I’m not sure if it’s different if you’re with a bunch of friends or if there’s more people and it’s less exhausting. There were pools or baths, but they were mostly drained and I really just wanted to go straight to bed. So I put on the pajamas, dropped my towels off in the used towel bin and headed upstairs.

The majority of the group had changed into their jimjilbang provided pajamas and headed upstairs to sleep earlier. Apparently there was a specific room for women and another for men that had been set aside for us. However when I got upstairs everyone had gone to sleep and I didn’t want to get too close to the bodies sleeping in various corners to inspect and see if any of them looked familiar. I found one of our guides laying down on some chairs, grabbed a very flat mat and made do near the water fountain.

I did not sleep. I couldn’t. It was too hot. People kept getting up and walking past. Many people were loudly snoring. I was also at the first stages of getting sick which was making me miserable and part of me wished I’d stayed on the bus. One girl from our tour got so fed up with all the sound that she grabbed her stuff and slept in the locker room, where she found a cockroach.

It might’ve been better in the lady only room, which I still don’t know where it was, or shelling out an extra 25,000 won for a motel room. But the people who stayed at the motel didn’t get much sleep either and had a lot of difficulty checking in and the ladies in the women only room ended up not getting much sleep either due to some snoring.

It also didn’t help that at 6am one of the ladies who ran the place decided to high pressure wash all the bathrooms near us and then take out the trash and shake it past everyone sleeping as she walked.

So eventually I gave up, got up, retrieved my stuff from my locker, tried to charge my poor phone, dropped off my key at the desk and then stood outside to wait with everyone else for the bus.

Stay at a Jimjilbang in Korea check. Am I fan? …nope. (However I did miss out on probably everything that people do actually enjoy about jimjilbangs. But I also am not one who can handle heat)

The first thing we got on the bus was our choice of muffin (from Costco) and then we headed to the festival. The muffins were good but several people also spotted the nearby McDonalds and before the bus left ran off to grab coffee and other less sweet breakfast items. (Gina was very kind and brought me back a hash-brown.)

Maps were passed out and our first stop would be to visit the train station which is only open during the festival. It’s the iconic photo anyone who goes to the festival takes. It was also the furthest away from everything else we were going to do and the thing we had the shortest amount of time for. There were flower crowns being sold everywhere with the sneaky way of being sold as the sellers would just walk up and put them on peoples heads and then be like “Oh so pretty~”. The safest way to avoid this was beating them to the punch and buying one from someone else.

The Korail cherry blossom train is only available to visit during the festival. The area is pretty crowded but if you have time they set out lawn chairs so you can relax, almost lay down and watch them fall around you. It was absolutely stunning. But also very very crowded.

There’s a line to get pictures with the train depending on when you go. I didn’t want to bother with the line. I was worried about our time. I like being on time and I do get concerned about being left behind on tours. So I grabbed a picture of just the train with the cherry blossoms and I was quite happy.

I was also on the hunt for cherry blossom bread and was determined to find some. I wanted to bring some home to my new coworkers as well as try some. I didn’t find any at the train location, only general street food that I can find anywhere in Korea.

Gina on the other hand really wanted her picture in front of the train, and got in line, but we ran out of time so I ran to see when the bus was leaving only to find it leaving.

Problem: I had the map. My goal was elsewhere. Gina didn’t have the map. Her goal was a picture in front of the train. So she stayed to get her picture and I got on the bus. It was a bit stressful, trying to figure out how to tell her where we were with my dying battery (remember how I didn’t charge it the entire time we were at the jimjilbang???…yeah) So I stayed close to our guide as we headed to the next spot to try and somehow put the two of them in touch, since he could better tell her where we were and how to get to where we were going.

Our next stop was the stream….which was underwhelming. A lot of the cherry blossoms weren’t yet in full bloom yet. There was very little water in the stream and despite how I ran up and down along either side of it, no cherry blossom bread to be found. Meanwhile Gina met subscribers and got her picture. She also found a free shuttle which took her directly to the area we were in, was able to find an uncrowded side street where the cherry trees were in full bloom and was having a delightful time on her own.

Highlight of my trip at the stream? I did find cherry blossom ice cream. It was 3,000 won and delightful.

I also found a shop selling cherry blossom coffee with art of the festival on it, so I bought some as a “worse case scenario” back up gift for my coworkers. (Ended up giving it to the principal and vice principal and they loved it) I found information desk after information desk, showed them the bread I was looking for and they sent me “left and up the stairs”, “across the street and to the right”, “down that way past the intersection next to the bank”, “around the corner”, and no matter who I asked, no matter which way I went I couldn’t find the bakery that made them. Concerned about being left behind (the bus didn’t wait a second for Gina) I gave up and returned to the bus. I ended up so early that I was the first one aboard and I just collapsed in my seat and tried to cool off.

Where was the bread? Why was I sent all over downtown looking for it in conflicting directions? Turns out the bakery had made little pop up tents where they were selling the bread. I know this because I saw one of the tents as our bus drove away from Jinhae.

So was the tour worth it? (For the Jinahae section?) I’ve got mixed feelings. I feel like on the one hand it made it very easy to get in and out of the festival. We had a map to where everything of importance was. However due to the time crunch it made it difficult to actually accomplish anything. If you just want to go and see the flowers, it’s perfect. If you actually want to get specific pictures or buy something specific…a little less easy. It depends on what you want to do. I’m glad I went but there’s also free shuttles during the festivals that will take you to all the highlights of the festival. So part of me does somewhat wish I’d stayed in Busan and then gone to the festival in my own time and with more sleep. But that’s because I understand enough Korean to navigate public transportation on my own and would’ve liked to have slowed down and smelled the flowers.

Jinhae Cherry Blossom Tour 진해국항제 Now that I've moved to a city I decided that I should go do the things I want to do.

#cherry blossoms #festivals #진해국항제 #jimjilbang #jinhae cherry blossom festival #tours

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pomrania · 6 years

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Mandarin journal, week 3c

(week 3b) (week 4)

Bit of an update, so I won't be as swamped tomorrow.

I bought the other texts on Friday, the general workbook and the character workbook. The latter has the character, pinyin, and meaning; stroke order; and a bunch of square spaces in which to practice that. (Part of our homework was to write out the assigned ones, five times each.) The "practice" squares were divided into four equal squares, to guide the shape and size of the character I presume; however, they'd be more useful if those guidelines had been given on any of the completed characters. It doesn't do me much good to know where the midpoint of the space is, if I don't know what stuff is supposed to go to which direction of the midpoint.

Aside from that minor annoyance, I was indeed correct: writing the characters out myself, multiple times, helps set their form in my memory. I can't reproduce all of them without reference, yet -- that'll take some more practice -- but I can accurately recognize almost all of them. That is, I'd know the meaning of the individual character, when I see it; the actual sound it represents, and particularly the applicable tone, not so much.

But speaking of tones, I was able to find a way to fix them better in my mind. Simply going by the "rhythm" of it doesn't work sufficiently, since I also have to remember the individual sounds, and those can struggle for the same mental space for me. What I've come up with, is that I assign a colour for each tone. High is yellow, rising is green, low is blue, and falling is red. I think in colours, and I've previously had lots of success with remembering things by a colour I put to it.

I can foresee that this method will run into some difficulty, when we get to words that already have a strong mental colour in my mind. Names of colours, definitely, but also a bit with numbers, and other things. Hopefully by then I will have improved my mental "ear" for tones, so it'll be less of a cognitive load to remember the whole word sound (phonemes and tones) and I won't HAVE to rely on mental colours. If not, then I guess I'll just suffer.

I've previously mentioned that I was watching a video series on youtube, by Yoyo Chinese, about pinyin pronunciation. I finished it yesterday, and I have to say, it has proven quite useful. She explicitly stated which of the initials have it so that the "i" final is just a filler sound, and not the actual vowel. I probably could have figured that out myself if I'd worked at it, but it's the "if I worked at it" which is unlikely to happen.

Now, onto the homework. The simplest bit of it was "write out these characters five times each", which I completed yesterday. I should probably do some more of it, to get a better feel for them.

The stuff for the workbook, the first thing I saw when I looked at it was exercises which relied on some audio (that thankfully the prof has provided online so I don't have to hunt it down). That's a few exercises, but not too many. Most of them are pretty standard, for a language class, albeit some I'm not overly familiar with due to Mandarin using a different script which also needs to be learned. These are things that aren't particularly hard, they just take time to do.

Having said all that, I should clarify that I have not completed all of the exercises yet. I might encounter something unfamiliar and/or particularly frustrating.

My biggest worry at the moment, for the homework, is how I'm supposed to hand it in. Both workbooks have pages which tear out. I don't want to tear out any of the pages! Especially with the character workbook, where I'll want to keep it available for future reference and practice. I also don't want to photocopy any of it, because that would be a waste of paper. Most importantly though, is that I have NO IDEA how the homework is supposed to be handed in. I don't remember anything about that (unsurprising given how my memory works), and I can't easily find it online on the class site.

We also apparently have a presentation which we're supposed to do today. I think I mentioned this last time, but I still haven't put any work into it. Let's hope that I can manage something before my turn comes around in class.

My predictions for how my presentation will go: a) I will pause before each word, needing to retrieve it from my memory. This is common when learning a language, for everyone. But just because it's expected, that doesn't make it not frustrating. It could be avoided by memorizing the whole thing ahead of time, but that's not how I roll, and I feel that doesn't help you learn the language. b) I will start speaking German at some point in time, if I get distracted or frustrated. In my mind, currently, it's the most accessible "non-English language". (When I was learning German, sometimes I'd slip into French because that was the non-English language I knew the most of.) I might catch myself in time so only half a syllable comes out, but I also might start just speaking German and/or French directly to the prof, without necessarily realizing it. Please note that I am not actually FLUENT in either French or German, in the sense of being able to easily carry on an understandable conversation; I am only "fluent" as in "fluent aphasia", where I can speak without hesitation (but possibly without meaning). c) I will start panicking before my turn comes up, because I don't know what I'm doing and I haven't prepared anything and I feel so stupid and why did I even take this class and I'm going to do horrible and.... You get the picture. Hopefully I won't start crying or hyperventilating, because that would be awkward to explain. However, I've found that "predicting future panic" tends to have a bit of a protective effect for me, so maybe I'll just go up with an easy smile and an "I have no idea what I'm doing here but let's do it anyways".

(I feel slightly bad in spending the time to write this now, instead of studying and doing my homework, but I can justify this by that it will hopefully be useful for future SLA stuff.)

I'm definitely feeling more confident in the language, and my ability to learn the language, than I had before. (Practice is important, y'all.) Even though I'm expecting that feeling to abruptly disappear as soon as class starts, and a) I'm expected to produce spoken Mandarin, and/or b) we learn more new things that I wasn't prepared for.

For tomorrow's reference: last night I went to bed at around 10pm. This morning I woke up some time before 6am, but went back sleep at some time before 7.30am. I got up and had my meds (which one of them has a side-effect of keeping me more awake) at around 9am.

#no fandom #not a reblog #personal #linguistics

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plastic--hearts · 7 years

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get to work

day five of ‘one day, one fic - september’

prompt: I work opening shift, but whenever i get there at 5:30 somehow you’re always already there, looking flawlessly put together. you haven’t even had your coffee yet. tell me your secrets.

pairing: binu bc i’m trash

word count: 1546

note: since I started this whole thing off a day behind, I’m probably going to post two oneshots again today! hopefully the next one will be up before midnight but I really can’t promise that

Bin wasn't a morning person. There was no possible way you could twist the definition to make it fit him. No force on Earth could force him out of bed before 9AM, at the earliest.

Well, no force on Earth other than Park Jinwoo, apparently.

“I’m really sorry, Bin, but with Minhyuk’s new schedule I really need someone to work the opening shift, at least until I can find an actual replacement.”

Bin sighed. He couldn’t argue with the worry on his manager’s face, so he just put on a smile. “That’s fine, I’ll do it.”

Jinwoo visibly relaxed before running a hand through his hair and handing Bin his new schedule. “It’s temporary, I promise.”

Bin hummed in response, eyes scanning over the chart. He had to get to the cafe at 5:30AM on weekdays, and on the weekends, it was 6:30AM.

He was going to die.

-------

Through the early morning haze, Bin could make out someone standing at the cafe door. Was it Jinwoo, making sure that Bin would get there on time? As he got closer, Bin thought of all the things he could say to Jinwoo about trust and respect, but when the person and the cafe door finally came into sight, he realised that it wasn’t Jinwoo.

“Uh, good morning,” Bin greeted the guy, fishing the keys out of the pocket of his work pants. “We don’t open till 6, you know.”

“Oh, I know,” the guy replied, a polite smile on his face. “Minhyuk used to let me sit inside while he got everything ready for the day. I won’t order until 6, I promise.”

Bin let out a snort at that, shaking his head amusedly. “Whatever you want, man, I’m too tired to care.”

He unlocked the door and entered, holding the door for the stranger and locking it behind him. Bin made his way to the back behind the counter, slipped his purple apron on, and sighed. He was barely awake, and to make matters worse, he was guaranteed to have to work. He was hoping that no one would be around for at least an hour after they opened, but apparently life doesn’t work out the way we plan it.

He then turned on the coffee machines and the little ovens and whatever else he was supposed to do before 6AM. He was mostly moving on autopilot, doing the opposite of what he used to do when he worked the closing shifts. Finally, when he was done, he glanced at the clock: 5:53AM. With a groan, he leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes for a moment before he heard someone chuckle. He opened one eye and turned his head, looking at the guy who had been sitting there quietly all this time.

“I’m glad you find my misery amusing,” Bin muttered.

“Ah, sorry. I know it must be rough.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me,” Bin sighed, closing his eyes again. “I used to work closing shift. I hate the mornings.”

“Why did you get switched?”

“Damn Minhyuk and his dance classes.”

The stranger laughed heartily at that, causing Bin to crack a smile. “Oh yeah, he told me about those.”

“You’re friends with Minhyuk?” Bin asked. He didn’t think Minhyuk had all that many friends, and definitely not friends who showed up to cafes at 5:30 dressed impeccably.

“I wouldn’t say friends, I don’t think I’m cool enough for him, but I see him every morning, so obviously we talk.”

Bin snorted again, finally pushing himself off the wall. “Minhyuk’s not cool. He just acts like it.”

“Well, it works,” the stranger smiled, before glancing at the clock on the wall. “I think you should unlock the door now.”

“You’re right,” Bin yawned, stretching his arms up over his head before dropping them down with a sigh. He made his way across the small cafe and unlocked the door, flipping the sign from Sorry, We’re Closed! to Yes, We’re Open! “Hopefully I won’t get too many people this morning.”

“When’s Sanha coming in?”

Bin looked over at the stranger and shrugged. “I think around 8.”

He then got to take in the stranger’s appearance properly: he was wearing a white fitted button-up shirt and black pants, which wasn’t all that exciting, but looked good on his slender frame. His jet black hair was well coiffed, which only made Bin wonder when the hell this guy had woken up that morning. He had a brown leather messenger bag which he had slung over the back of his chair, but Bin figured that when he wore it, it tied the outfit together pretty well.

The two of them walked back to the counter, and Bin made him coffee before bidding him goodbye. As soon as the small bell above the door rang as the door shut behind the stranger, Bin fell onto the stool kept behind the counter, sighing deeply. Jinwoo owed him big time.

------

After about a week, Bin had finally adjusted to his new schedule. Every morning, he would be greeted by the well-dressed stranger (who he soon found out was called Dongmin), make small talk with him while he turned on the machines, and then make him coffee at 6 and wish him a good day. He began to enjoy Dongmin’s presence and to look forward to seeing him every morning. It made the shift bearable, and on more than one occasion, Dongmin had had to reach over the counter and shake Bin awake.

However, Dongmin was still a mystery to Bin. He barely knew anything about him and with every passing day he grew more and more curious.

Finally, after a few more days, he decided to ask the questions that had been running through his mind each time he saw Dongmin.

“So, Dongmin,” Bin started, looking up from the counter he was wiping clean. “Why do you come here so early every day?”

Dongmin raised his eyebrows. “I need coffee before work.”

Bin resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “Yeah, I kinda figured that one out. What- What do you do?”

“Oh, I’m a teacher,” Dongmin replied. “I teach at the elementary school a few blocks down.”

Bin nodded, resuming his cleaning. “Ah, I see.”

Silence overcame them for a moment before another question made its way into Bin’s mind. An elementary school teacher? Which meant he worked with young kids? Bin began to imagine Dongmin with little kids, smiling and laughing with them, teaching them things and being patient when they didn’t get it…

Bin needed a seat.

And the one in front of Dongmin was conveniently empty.

“Tell me more,” Bin almost demanded as he plopped down in the wooden chair across the small table from Dongmin.

“About?” he asked, looking up from his phone.

“About yourself. Do you work with younger kids?”

Dongmin smiled and put the phone down on the table. “Yeah, I’m teaching first grade kids.”

Had Dongmin not been sitting right there, Bin probably would’ve dramatically clutched at his chest due to the cuteness. “That must be a pain.”

“No, I love them.”

Oh be still my beating heart. “That’s nice.” Bin smiled, before leaning forward and resting his arms on the table. “What else? What do you like to do?”

“Why all the questions, all of a sudden?” Dongmin asked. He didn’t seem annoyed, which Bin took as a plus. “Uh, I like to read. I read a lot in my spare time.”

Bin snorted. “Wow, what a nerd.”

“Hey, I am a teacher.”

“Fair enough.” Bin shrugged.

“I also play the piano.”

Bin could picture it perfectly: Dongmin sitting behind a beautiful black piano, completely immersed in the music as the sunlight shone through the window beside him, and- “Yeah, you seem like the type.”

It was Dongmin’s turn to shrug then. “What about you? Other than work here, what do you do?”

“Well, I only just got out of college, about four months ago,” Bin explained. “And I studied dance, so there’s not much on the market for me right now, unless I try to get into some company. I’m not really interested in that though, so… I don’t know. I need a plan.”

Dongmin chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t realise you were that young.”

“Hunh?” Bin’s eyes widened. “You can’t be that much older than me!”

“I graduated two years ago,” Dongmin explained, an amused glint in his eyes. “And I have a solid job. I might as well be older than you.”

Bin huffed, leaning back in his chair. “I can’t believe I was cooing at the thought of you with kids. You’re probably terrible with them.”

That caused Dongmin to laugh loudly, his head tipping back. “You were cooing?”

“Mhm,” Bin nodded, not letting embarrassment get to him. “Past tense.”

“Ooof. Well, I assure you, I’m great with the kids.” Dongmin then laughed gently again. “Maybe you’ll just have to come see for yourself.”

“When would that eve-”

“Since you’re not working the afternoon shift, I know you’ll have time to grab lunch with me today.”

Bin’s eyes widened and eyebrows shot up. “Are you- Is that- A da-”

“Hey, it’s 6 o’clock,” Dongmin interrupted, the smile never leaving his face. “Get to work, Bin.”

#1day1fic sept #binu #astro #lee dongmin #cha eunwoo #moon bin #fanfiction #y'all i'm dying why is my sentence structure just getting worse #rip rip #maya writes

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imagine-texting-svt · 7 years

Text

Oncologist! Jihoon

Is amazing at his job

He’s known as a hard ass to work with but everyone looks up to him

Is an amazing surgeon

All the interns had a love hate relationship with them

He was super strict but was considered on of the top oncologists in the country so it was an honour to work with him

If they ever brought up or made fun of his height he would make their rotation with him a living hell

He knew he was short, he didn’t need reminding. But if you really wanna make fun of the guy who is one the best oncologists in Korea maybe even the world you kinda deserve it

Workaholic to the max

It was once rumored that he sold his apartment and just lived in the on-call room

Seriously, it’s live he never left though

Was an adult oncologist but because of his reputation and notoriety in the field was often asked to treat kids

He had no pediatric training and was not the best with kids

I mean hell he wasnt even great with the interns and they were all adults

Normally he would refuse to treat them but he had one case that he couldn’t say no too

A little girl had a rare form of cancer and every doctor had refused to treat her so her parents flew her to South Korea in hopes that Jihoon would treat her

She had heart cancer

Cases of heart tumors weren’t uncommon, but cancerous tumors especially in young children were. The sweet little girl had two large cardiac fibromas that were about four inches (ten cm) in diameter that would require surgery and then intensive chemo and radiation after

That’s when you came into the picture

You were a pediatric cardiac surgeon in the same hospital as him

You were both well known in your fields so you knew of each other but other than that you had never worked together

Normally, he would refuse young children, but he couldn’t refuse this littles girls case. He had treated and worked with another cardiac surgeon and successfully treated a man before without a heart transplant. Which probably why this girls parents flew all the way to South Korea for treatment

He asked his office staff if there was anyway he would be able to get a pediatric to help him with this case

His staff was even shocked he took on the case in the first place

They tell him your credentials and he asks them to give him your email so that's what they do

He writes a super long email explaining the cases, then asking if you would be willing to help him with it

When you got his email, you were over the moon. You had always admired his skill so know you would be able to work with him on case? You were happy to say the least

You happily emailed back agreeing to work with him and you both set up a time to meet up and discuss the case in person

About two days before the first appointment with the little girl you met up for coffee

The little girl's name was Anna and you talked about the types of tumors she had and the course of action you had to take

It was decided that she needed surgery as soon as possible, the rate of her survival was decreasing the long the surgery was put out

The rate of her surviving cancer without surgery was non existent, the rate of her surviving with surgery went up to 25% and with chemo about 35%

You had warned Jihoon that these tumours are aggressive and will most likely come back, a heart transplant is something they would probably want to discuss

On the day of the appointment you two both clear out your schedules to allow for as much time as necessary with Anna and her parents and then to start planning surgery and getting everyone else you needed together

You talk to Anna and her family through a translator for almost three hours bc Anna was from Russia

The family agrees to the surgery and Anna is placed in inpatient on the heart ward for constant monitoring

The surgery is 3 days away

You and Jihoon work very closely to make sure everything gets done for Anna and her family

You and Ji barely sleep for those three days, you sleep at the hospital in the on-call room never far from each other

You got anesthesiologist Wonwoo to do well, the anesthesia, and then had Paediatrician Soonyoung do some final checks on her before her surgery

Little Anna was cleared by Soonyoung so the surgery was all clear and proceed

When you two were working so close together Jihoon started finding himself drawn to you in ways he couldnt explain

When you were focusing on writing notes your tongue poked out a little

When you had to call anyone on the phone you would always fiddle with a pencil or pen

When you got stressed you ran your hands through your hair and then pulled it back into a loose bun

The bags under your eyes after you only got 2 hours of sleep

How excited you were when he brewed a fresh pot of coffee

He had never been so attracted to someone

He was always so focused on work, but being forced to work with such a smart (beautiful) and talented doctor made him feel weird inside

The only women Jihoon interacted with were patients and nurses

He was never close with them, he never had to spend such intimate time with someone with someone like you

The night before the surgery you and Jihoon, again, slept in the on-call room as Anna’s surgery was at 6am

Both of you went to bed at 8pm and passed out due to not sleeping a terrible amount on the previous nights

The alarm was set for 3am to make sure you were both awake, had coffee, and got in scrubs by 4am so you could meet up with the team

The surgery would be primarily performed by you with assistance from Jihoon

His knowledge of tumors and your knowledge of paediatric heart surgery would be a perfect match for giving Anna the best chance she had for survival

All the tools were gathered together everyone was getting ready for this surgery

Wonwoo went out and started her IV line and the you and Jihoon followed, discussing with her parents all the possible complications from this surgery

Once you two were done you knelt down by Anna’s bed and started singing a little song for her in Russian

This small gesture made Jihoon’s heart melt

These feeling Jihoon didn’t like were in a full blown swing

He doesn’t know what to do

But he shoves his feelings towards you to the back of his head and focuses on Anna

You, Jihoon, Wonwoo and other nurses wheel little Anna away to the operating room

Wonwoo and Jihoon pick up the fragile girl and lay her on the table

After that Wonwoo tells the little girl he’ll help her go to sleep and then puts the anesthetic mask over her to make her sleep, then gives her oxygen to help

The surgery starts at 6:30am and you and Jihoon were on a mission to save this little girls life

The surgery finally finished at 4pm but the surgery went amazingly

You had removed the two fibromas. One was in her right ventricle and the other was in the ventricular septum which was preventing her heart from being able to beat properly

With help from Jihoon, there was no complications and little Anna was in the recovery room

Jihoon had to keep surprising his feelings for you the whole surgery

He was focused on getting Anna better

But he was also way to focused on how pretty you were and how talented and skilled you were at your job

After the surgery you broke the good news of Anna's surgery and led them back to where she was

After leading Anna's nervous parents back to her

You discussed and informed her parents that the likelihood of her tumors coming back was high so you recommended getting her on the on the transplant list

They agreed and signed everything to get the young fragile Anna on the list

You and Jihoon dismissed yourself and went to the on-call room and showered (in separate showers get your mind out of the gutter)

You two were exhausted, but knew you still had to plan

After you got out of the shower you were just in a large shirt and athletic shorts with your hair dripping wet

He thought you looked stunning, he couldn’t believe his eyes

He must have been staring a little too long

“Yah. Jihoon. Do i have something on my face?”

You laughed, but Jihoon went as red as a tomatmo

“Jihoonie, are you okay? Your face is really red.”

You kneel beside him and put your hand on his forehead. “Jihoon. You should lay down.”

This only made Jihoon more embarrassed, “y/n. I’m okay.”

You giggled “Jihoonie, your red face says otherwise.”

“I’m blushing y/n!”

“Jihoonie why would you be blushing, it’s just me!”

“That’s the problem! It’s because it’s you damn it.”

“Wait you like me?”

“I THOUGHT THIS WAS OBVIOUS NOW!”

“Good. Because i like you too. Now come here and kiss me.”

So Jihoon did just that

You may or may not have gotten a little carried away with your makeout session

Chan may or may not have walked in

You may or may not have traumatized Chan

You two slept in each others arms that night in the on-call room

Wonwoo was on call for the normal doctor he worked with and found you guys cuddling

Took a photo now everyone in the hospital knows about your relationship

The next morning you woke up before jihoon and you wanted another mri of Anna’s chest

When you got to the nurses station they were all whispering about something. You just ignored it and put in the request for Anna to get another MRI

Until when you were about to leave a nurse came up to you

“Y/n. Why didn’t you tell us you were dating Jihoon?”

I think the puzzled look on your face said everything for them

They laughed and allowed for you to go back the on call room to make sure Jihoon was up and so that you two could start planning Anna’s chemo treatment

Jihoon was awake and making a fresh pot of coffee

“Jihoonie?”

“Y/n.”

“There’s a rumor that we’re dating. The nurses just asked me when i went to fill out a request for Anna. Jihoonie. What are we?”

“I guess we’re a couple. I mean we both like each other. Why not?”

That was the most it ever got. You two were happy and that’s all that mattered to you guys.

You guys plan Anna’s chemo and radiation, but still keep in mind she might need a heart transplant due to the severity of her tumors and she had a high risk of them coming back

Jihoon went down to see Anna because she was starting a new round of stronger chemo meds

Normally Jihoon will just rely on the nurses or you to talk to little kids, but surprisingly he went down by himself to see Anna

He got the Russian to Korean translator and starting telling Anna somethings

When Anna found out you and Jihoon were a couple she was very excited

“My two favourite doctors are boyfriend and girlfriend!”

Three months after Anna’s surgery you did a routine MRI and saw lumps again

You were crushed, you knew they would probably come back, but not this soon

You showed Jihoon the lumps in her heart coming back

He was just as upset as you

You two had poured your heart and soul into helping this girl along with caring for your regular patients

Anna was still living at the hospital because she was so fragile and you weren’t sure how long it would take before her tumors came back

She was on the transplant list but you were unsure of how long it would be in order to get Anna a new heart

You knew if she didn’t get a new heart she wouldn’t live out the year

Unsure of what to do for the sweet girl, you burst out into tears

Jihoon took you into his arms, rubbed your back, and let you cry everything out on his shoulder

Losing patients was nothing new to either of you, but this little girl brought you together and was an incredible fighter

When you first saw her MRI you were surprised she was even alive

Even after surgery and Jihoon’s radiation and chemo, they still came back

You had to break the news to Anna’s parents, so the day after you found the tumors you and Jihoon took Anna’s parents aside and broke the news to them

They both started crying and begged you and Jihoon to take care of their precious little Anna

After that you and Jihoon went and told Anna, she didn’t seem to phased by it

“They’re back? Oh. Does that mean I get a new heart?”

“Yes sweetie. Me and Dr. Jihoon will find you a new heart.”

She was so happy. Suddenly Anna looked at Jihoon and her translator. She whispered something to her translator who then whispered something to him

Jihoon’s eyes went big

“Anna told me that she knows she might not live too much longer. But she wants to see us get married.”

If you had water you would’ve choked on it

Anna says something to her translator, “She said she wants to marry you two.”

So if Anna wants to marry you guys, Anna will marry you guys

Although you two had only been together for roughly three months it’s like you had known each other for years

Marriage wasn’t something you talked about

While your team was looking to find Anna a new heart and checking everything every thirty minutes to see if a new heart was a match for her

You and Anna (along with her translator) went to the streets of Seoul and she wanted to pick out a wedding dress for you, it’s like Anna loved you and Jihoon so much as her doctors she liked the fact you were actually in love

You go into a bridal store and are greeted by a cheerful woman, “Hi my name Jimin! When’s the wedding?”

“As soon as possible.”

Poor Jimin didn’t understand.

You told her you would explain everything after you got seated

So when she sat down Anna her translator and yourself she was quite interested

When you told her about Anna’s story and how she was basically not going to make it if she didn’t get a heart transplant. So one of Anna’s wishes was to marry you and your boyfriend. Who happened to be the other doctor looking after her

Jimin started crying after you told her. So she told Anna’s translator that she could help pick out all the dresses you were trying on

Anna picked out big poofy ball gowns and if that’s what Anna wanted, that’s what you would wear

After about 5 ball gowns Anna finally decided on one dress she liked

It was an A line white dress, with a lace top and some bling

Luckily it was a sample so you were able to take it home with you that day

It was $2000 but it was worth every penny

After that, you went back to the hospital

Your team still couldn’t find a new heart for Anna

After her trip out, you could tell Anna condition was getting worse

You feared she might not live another week, maybe month if she was lucky

So, you rushed the photographer and Jihoon rented a tux

Anna picked out two sterling silver bands as rings

So that morning you and Anna got up and started getting ready. You did your hair and makeup and then did Anna’s hair and then put on a little bit of lipstick, drew on her eyebrows eyeshadow, and mascara

The head of the company, Wonwoo, Anna’s parents, and half of your team and half of Jihoons team was there

Anna stood up at the podium, her long brown wig was curled and Jihoon was on her left side in a tux

“Dr. Jihoon. Are you ready to see your pretty wife?” She said with big cute doe eyes

“Of course Anna.” He smiled sweetly

Instead of your father giving you “away” to Jihoon it was your mentor

The doors opened and you saw Jihoon.

Even though this was just for Anna he felt like it was his actual wedding day seeing his soon to be wife in her dress for the first time

You walked up the small isle and Anna “wed” you two

She gave you both a silver ring which you both put on your pinky finger

Little Anna was so proud of herself

After the “wedding” and you had gotten out of the dress, Jihoon out of his tux, and Anna was back in her room you two visited her

You could tell how bad she was. Anna looked incredibly weak. You knew she wasn’t going to make it

A week had gone by since the “wedding” and Anna’s condition has been getting worse

Neither you or Jihoon have left the hospital since the “wedding” night

Too afraid that you would get a call she flat lined in the middle of the night and neither of you would be there for her

It had been a week and half

You were in surgery for another patient and got a paged a code blue

You knew it was for Anna, but alas you were in surgery and unable to do anything

After you got out of surgery you rushed to Anna’s room

Her parents were crying and Jihoon was there holding her mothers hand

Her heart flat lined

It was your worst nightmare

You went over to Anna’s parents and hugged them

At least she got her dying wish

Later that month, you and Jihoon took the silver that Anna had picked for the “wedding”

On the inside of the ring now had Anna’s full name, and her birth and death date

You would honour the girl who put you together for the rest of your lives

264 notes · View notes

21-11-98 · 5 years

Text

잘하고 있어, 화이팅 ♡

I didn’t want to be dramatic but shit it feels real. I’m twenty? Damn... I grew up to be horrible and I doubt 13-year-old me would feel proud or happy to see the me now. Things were reaaally hard and it felt like I was going through things I should’ve if I were 30 or older but age really doesn’t play a part in this and difficult times can come to you at anytime, any day to anyone, really. Every time I ask myself “why does this happen to me,” I tell myself either “worse things happen to other people” and try to understand and go through it or “What the fuck? My life is the worst” and be selfish as fuck, forgetting about everyone else’s feelings, and putting mine first. I really have to mind my language but rather than me lacking of vocabulary to express myself, it’s more like I’m having no words that can explain this “phase” that I went through.

I starved, I was exhausted, I didn’t have time for friends and had to put them aside, I was scared, I was lonely, I was frustrated, I over-worked, I defied, I lied, I had to do things against my will, I had to control myself, I couldn’t do anything about the situation, I witnessed, I felt people looking down on me, I felt people pitying me, I felt like I had to be blamed for certain things, I wanted freedom, I was stuck, I embarrassed myself, I cried in public, didn’t feel like I belonged, I was angry, I said things that hurt people, I was constantly moving, I was jealous, I didn’t know how to say ‘no’, I kept apologising, I owed, I felt like I had no one, I had no space, I kept falling ill, I became someone I told myself not to become.

My family, the police, the loansharks, the authorities, the managers, the family who lived next door under a roof, the guy upstairs, the guy who talks like he owns the world, the shit Wi-Fi, the small space we squeezed in, the friends who has everything, the places I have slept at, the guys and their never-ending smoking cigarettes, the guy who gets high, the guy who I raised my voice at, the guy who ransacks through our stuff, the lecturers, the people who had and didn’t have faith in me, the guy who asked me if I’m okay, the guy who I cried in front of, my immune system, my bank account, the people who cried for our unfortunate events, the people who couldn’t bear to see us going through it, the people who were there when I cried, the people who tried to fight for my good, the couple who’s always fighting, the people who tried to find a resolution, the people who gave me resolutions, the guy who gave my stuff away without permission, the guy who has a place to stay, the one who talks more rather than doing it, the one who is trying to give my brother advise but is not doing it, the person who re-arranges my stuff without permission, the person who can’t agree with how I do stuff, my aunts, my uncles, my bosses, my colleagues, the estate agent, my classmates, my group mates, my schoolmates, the people who accepted that I kept moving due to the good location, the people who don’t know the fact that I stay in a common room with the 5 of us squeezing together, the person who I told to seek therapy, the caretaker who is taking care of my grandmother, the people who had it worse than me, the people who found out that I degraded but kept didn’t say anything bad to me, the people who are going through pain continuously, the people who had to accept the fact of a person’s death, the guys who were interested in me for a second, the guys who wanted to make friends, the guys who suddenly stopped talking.

It really goes back to EOY 2014. After I had a break up, I cut ties with almost everyone and wasn’t even active on social media. This was probably a personal problem, which wasn’t even a serious matter to be upset about, but one thing for sure was that my depression back then was real. I probably didn’t know I had depression but looking back, I think it was – maybe a minor one. It really drained me so much that it even sucked my self-esteem and confidence that I had so much in secondary school. You can say that I was really outgoing in secondary school. Thus, I was the opposite when I entered poly. In poly, the critique and presentations were never-ending and of course you need confidence for it and I don’t remember having and while doing it. I skipped so much lessons that my lecturer told me off about my attendance.

It was then that I couldn’t even go home when I want to and needed updates if it was safe to come home. There’d be a group of guys screaming and banging at our door. It was terrible and really terrifying. It was traumatic and I still get anxious sometimes when I go out. It was worst if I was inside the house. So if I was outside, I would hangout at this neighbourhood bakery/cafe, slightly further from my house and wait until my mom tells me that it’s safe for me to come back home. And yes, that was when I had a place to call home. I couldn’t imagine how terrifying it was for my grandmother, who used to stay with us at the house. I was actually thankful that she has poor hearing. Despite her poor hearing, she could actually hear the knockings and asked about it. So we had to lie about it. Construction works, door-to-door sales. I don’t think she was that gullible to believe us. Back then, she was aware of everything, unlike now. We had to bear with the banging and yelling for weeks. We couldn’t even switch on the TV with the volume on. There wasn’t Wi-Fi and the channels were just local TV. Our bills for cable and Wi-Fi got cut off, the electricity and water went off a few times too and I had to call both of them to have more time and get a date to pay off our debts, even though we didn’t pay it back at the promised date. And things just kept happening to us. The banging and yelling was due to my dad’s company failing to win over a project and yes he was the owner of it. The company already bought the materials for the project, thinking they got it and it was thousands over dollars. He probably spent some of the money on us too. However, another Chinese company took over the project and the loans that he took turned into debts. He had to resort to loansharks to pay for the debts. I’d be lying if I didn’t blame my dad for the situation now. He was partially responsible for it but he was really working hard for the family back then. I was living comfortably back then and I didn’t realise it till unfortunate hits me. He had to declare himself bankrupt and my mom rented out the house to pay for the debts.

My brother got himself into some trouble too. I am thankful that he has repented now but the things he does back then was so extreme for me to witness. I mean, I didn’t witness anything besides the police coming over to our house. The police came to our house for two cases on the same week! How can a 16-year-old girl not be traumatised? Throughout the night, the police stayed, from about 12AM to morning at about 6AM? Not so sure. I was just joking around with my sister getting midnight snacks and suddenly there were people knocking and greeting at the door. My sister and me immediately went inside the room, cuddled up, pretending to be asleep. I remembered leaving the door open so I saw my grandmother walking out, making her way to the washroom. I was so afraid she would open the door but then again, I was thankful for her poor hearing. She probably heard the knockings but pretend to not be aware of what’s happening. That night, my brother kissed us to sleep and told us to take care. I remember him crying and hugging my parents for so long. I didn’t have a good relationship with him because of the stupid stuff he do now but thankfully we’re good now~ He stayed inside until the police went off. My parents brought him to my aunt’s place and he seeks shelter there for days. He is really thankful for my aunt and her family. She has a big heart and without reluctance took him in for shelter. He still talks about this every now and then and can’t forget about the deed she did for him. We continued staying there even without Wi-Fi for weeks. My aunts and uncles actually came over to our place despite the situation and even witnessed the banging and yelling of the loansharks. I was so embarrassed and of course everyone pitied me but that was what I hate. I hate being looked down on and people sympathising me but I had to be sympathised for.

My aunt suggested me to pack and stay over at her place. At first I was thinking will there actually be space for all of us to fit in? There were 6 of us; they have 2 plus my aunt’s family. That’d make it 11 of us staying in a three-room flat. But we managed to stay there for almost 2 years. The five of us, stayed in a less than 30m² room. During the 2 years: Initially it was my grandma and Isleeping with my aunt and my cousin. My parents, my brother and my sister slept in the small room. And then my brother moved out to my other cousin’s place. And then my sister moved out there too. And then I moved in to the small room with my parents. And then my sister came back after we bought a double-decker bed. My sister and I slept on top and my parents slept below. Before that, we were all squeezing below with a mattress and if you’re unlucky you could sleep on the cold hard floor.

I always had projects and submissions so I was always awake till late. I am more of a night person anyways. I had to have a big space to do models so I did my work outside. I need a good connection to watch shows on my laptop so I had to do it outside. I was always being told off by the woman next door to keep my volume down when it wasn’t even loud and it pisses me off. I couldn’t do anything because i had nothing! I had no money to move out or a place to do my work. I remembered suddenly seeing my toothbrush in the bin… out of all toothbrushes. Why did she even have grudges against me? Also my aunt told me off for always sleeping late and told me the cause of my runny nose is sleeping late. But I understand that because it was for my well-being, but I was sensitive then, and so I moved in with my parents at the back always remembered to download the shows in school before i came back home so I could watch them at the back, in our room with the poor signal. I had to bear with that for 2 freaking years! I am so thankful to my aunt for letting us stay over but the people next door were really testing my patience.

My grandma’s legs were getting weaker and weaker so she needs assistance and guidance whenever she needs the washroom. Of course I had to stay awake, alert and had to wake up every time she needs the washroom. Even at the holiest times like 3AM or 4AM and she always wake up really early. I was there for her even before the 2 years, even at our old house, but I’ll always be in debt to her because she practically raised me! I love her so much and I’m always thankful and sorry… I couldn’t do anything for her to have a house… I’m still so young and penniless and that made me frustrated and sad. It was almost like she got kicked out of the house with us… I will never stop being sorry to her.

I remembered in 2016 while we were staying at our aunt’s house two weeks before my trip to Korea (which I worked my ass off for), she was hospitalised after she fell and it was partially my fault. I can’t stop blaming myself whenever she fell but really… I hid the fact that I wanted to kill myself. Until now, it felt like I was to be blamed for her being confused and unaware. My mom was frantically calling out my name but I didn’t go out immediately. She tried to get a grip of my grandma but she tripped. My mom was holding on to hot coffee to serve her and of course, she couldn’t help my grandma to prevent her from tripping. A day after, her arms felt hot and swollen. Maybe the fall had made the gout “activated” and we brought her to the hospital. She was hospitalised for days. I was on the look out at night to accompany her till the sun down every night, except one hehe. One of the days, the doctors reported that her calcium was too high. They gave her medications to bring the calcium down but it made her so cranky and weird… I was so scared. It was early in the morning at about 8AM, when my cousin who was a nurse at the hospital, just ended her shift and bought me breakfast. Luckily, she was there with me. My grandma kept saying she wanted to go home and to just kill her rather than staying there. My cousin was there to assure me that it was just a side effect of the drugs but of course I was still in shock. I really wanted to cry, and to add on to that I didn’t have enough sleep and had work later that night at the movies. I really hope it wouldn’t happen again. How did the words come out from my sweet grandmother’s tongue? A few days later, her condition got better, though she was partially unaware, and got to be discharged. My flight was on the same day of her discharge.

I worked so hard for my trip to Korea at the cinema. One of the reasons I had the money to fly off there was. A year ago, when I was working in a cafe, I worked hard just so that I have enough money to go to Korea. So I had enough money covered for the flight and accommodation. I worked at the movies so I can earn money to go for shopping. I worked so much but the rate of my pay was $6.50/hour exclusive of CPF. I went for work after school; sometimes I get to only go home after 3AM. Even after my trip to Korea, I stayed because my colleagues were nice to me and i had a really amazing manager. Which soon left because a new manager came in and he couldn’t get along with her. Not so sure why I still stayed after he left but I stayed. I was so broke, I should’ve left earlier and find a job with a better pay. I was wronged one day and the managers decided to suspend me for a week. To this day, I still felt wronged and not sure why I was punished with a suspension, it wasn’t intentional or a crime. Their decision to suspend me led me to quitting the job. I was actually fired because I didn’t go for work a week after suspension but beats me. I was working there for over a year and they didn’t take my side or believed me. I did not regret my decision then.

While I was working at the cinema, I actually had another part-time job with my sister. She was the admin of it and she introduced me to it. I really liked it and the pay was good. It was a pizza making workshop for kids, sometimes for students and older people, but most of the time for kids. It was really easy, I can either host, assist or/and bake and clean up before and after. I just need to prepare for the next workshop and clean, mop, sweep. That’s all. I only worked there for half a year and then I got fired for the pettiest reason ever. My boss and my sister couldn’t get along and he fired me? Since my sister introduced the job to my cousin, my boss fired her as well. She was just about to start working and was already cut. It was so unfair and petty.

While I was working at the workshop, I was also working at a kindergarten every Thursday and most of the days at a karaoke. I applied for the job at the karaoke right after I was cut off from the cinema. Unexpectedly, I got the job and am still working there right now. It has been a year and 4 months now to be exact. The kindergarten job was easy. All you had to do was to teach them science with scenes and stories and materials prepared beforehand with the cute kids! but it was difficult for me to commute as it was in the north and I am not familiar with the area. I was only able to work there for a few months because they had a class, which I was unable to attend to, and I didn’t hear from them afterwards. So I actually had a point of time when I was doing 3 part-time jobs at a time. Actually, I had two. I did Deliveroo while working at the karaoke and teaching science at the kindergarten. Currently, I am working at the karaoke and assisting with the workshops that my cousin holds every weekend. My job shows how broke I am even when I am a full-time student.

In December, after I came back from Japan, our estate agent who helped us rented our house told my mom that there was a 3-room flat that is being rented out for a few months for cheap. It was really cosy and I was really happy to be able to stay there. It was a few months of happiness in the east. My brother continued staying at my cousin’s place as it was easier for him to commute to work but he still comes over the east to hang out. During the period of time, my good for nothing uncle apparently got a divorce and has no place to stay. So he stayed with my brother at my cousin’s place. We had the place until end of April and our short happiness ended. We had to move to a place and we moved in with my brother at our married cousin’s place, in a small room estimated about 36m². My uncle had no choice but to sleep outside, as we were moving in into the room. According to my brother, he was hardworking with the housekeeping chores when it was only them staying there but ever since he had to sleep outside, he’s a mess. There was once when he took my sister’s phone and my sister knew right away because there was no one else in the house at that point of time. There are also times when he would stare blankly and stayed in that same position for a very long time. Of course I was and still am scared and unsafe to know that someone like that is staying in the same house as me. There were also times when I was preparing food during Ramadan and he was taking pictures of me from afar? I was so bummed out but I still had to continue preparing it. My sister assured me that it was probably to send his girlfriend (ew) but it’s still not right? It’s so weird and uncomfortable. Help me…

The guys staying here are extremely heavy smokers and smokes a lot everyday in the living room. It’s so strong that even when I slightly open the room door, I could smell cigarettes. Bless my lungs and my respiratory system… Again, if I had money or if I were older with a proper career, I would’ve already moved out. It’s too much smoke for me to handle. My breathing is at risk! My health is involved. Five guys smoking in a space, probably cancerous.

Staying here made it difficult for me to be organised and find for stuff. It was the same with staying with my aunt the last two years before staying in the east. It was due to the limited space that we had to use the second floor of the double decker bed to store our clothes… and the rest of my family members had to sleep on the floor.

It is slightly better now but I’ll never and I should not forget what I had gone through the past years. There has to be a day I’ll be successful and tell my success story too, right? If there was, I hope to bump into this memo.

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