I don't know if I'll ever finish it, but occasionally, I am reminded that I started writing crackfic based on a dream I had after playing too much Garden Life and also reading too many Nightwing comics, and I'll open up the document and laugh myself sick at how awful a time Slade Wilson is having in my haunted flower shop AU.
He's been ripped body and soul out of his genre and into a cozy Hallmark movie with undercurrents of cosmic horror, and there's nothing he can do about it. Worst of all, the human he kidnapped is unkillable. At least by him.
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Slade took a menacing step forward, then stopped dead in his tracks, unable to move another inch. "The fuck."
He looked down at his boots, struggling to uproot them from the dirt-strewn floor. When that failed, he gave up and took a desperate swing across the shop counter. The little witch didn't even flinch. She didn't need to. The same invisible force wrapped around his arm, holding it in place as he strained his outstretched hand toward her neck.
"What the fuck did you do?" he demanded, arm shaking as sweat began to bead down his brow.
"Me?" she asked, far too innocently, like butter wouldn't melt in that smug, annoying mouth. "Bless your heart, dearie, that's not me. That's the plot armor."
"Plot what?"
"Armor," she repeated slowly for him. "I know you're familiar with the word. I've seen that discounted Spirit Halloween ensemble you call a costume."
Slade snarled, renewing his efforts to crush her windpipe. "I know the word. What does it mean?"
"It means I'm protected. The story can't advance without me, so you're stuck with me." She smiled sweetly. "Lucky you."
"Story? What story? What the fuck are you talking about?"
"This one," she said, gesturing around them as though that explained anything. "The one we're in. The one you pulled me into. The one I can't leave until you figure out whatever the fuck you're supposed to be doing. So if you could hurry up and do that, that'd be great. I've got shit to do, and it doesn't involve holding your hand through whatever bullshit character arc crisis you're going through."
"Lady," Slade breathed out through gritted teeth, "you are fucking insane."
"Oh, sweety," she drawled, leaning across the counter and causing his arm to draw back of its own volition, not allowing him to get a hold of her throat, as she patted him condescendingly on the cheek. Clearly, whatever bullshit proximity magic she was pulling didn't apply to her ability to touch him. "You don't know the half of it."
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Maedhros the Tall: a good heart and a good soul that had his peace stolen and his conscience stolen and his morality stolen and his grace stolen and his parents stolen and his childhood stolen and his siblings stolen and his home stolen and his friends stolen and his castles stolen and his hand stolen and his will to live stolen and his freedom stolen and his people stolen and his homeland stolen and who was understood on exactly zero occasions.
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