#even though it's my day and my celebration and I feel like I'm entitled to a slight amount of unreasonableness

[emometalhead]

.

[shipmansflannels]

the alchemy | shauna shipman x reader

what if I told you I'm back? see what I did there? :) anyway, I'm back. this week I'll probably update for more days in a row (tonight, maybe tomorrow and sunday too), because tomorrow is a holiday here in brazil and, as I have more time to post than on regular days, I decided to reward you. better prepare, because this is my first oneshot with shauna and I really hope you like it (I put my best effort into it because shauna is my favorite character, so that's it, I hope it turned out good.) obviously the whole thing is a reference to "the alchemy" by taylor swift, so I also hope you managed to convey what I meant by interpreting the song. enjoy!

sorry for any grammatical or coherence errors, english is not my first language and I'm trying to improve!

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the alchemy | shauna shipman x reader

-> prompt: you and the midfielder are secretly dating. <-

warnings: non cannon, no crash, most fem!reader but it works for gender neutral readers too, some swear words, jock!shauna, sub!reader, soft dom!shauna, jealous!shauna, very subtle smut (because I still don't know how to write one), secret relationship, platonic!jackie x reader.

***

Honestly, you could get used to it.

It wasn't like it was the worst thing in the world to not be able to admit that you and Shauna were properly together to your friends, even your closest ones. In fact, it was even exciting for you to be in a secret relationship. As an extremely private and intense person, you would hate someone noticing while you and your girlfriend were kissing in any corner and feeling entitled to have an opinion about it.

Honestly, it was much better this way. Just the two of you. And your parents. The only ones who knew you were getting to know each other better.

The whole thing started that same year, after the boring science fair proposed by the most boring teacher in the world, in which you had to stand in front of your booth with a failed attempt at a volcano that worked with detergent and bicarbonate. Shauna was at the booth next to you, also with an attempt at a ladybug that worked using a cell phone battery to get around, and she was kind enough to praise your botched project, unlike the other colleagues.

But you didn't really talk until days later. You started to notice her more, of course, more than before - because the idea that the Yellowjackets were extremely popular because of their victories over the other teams at school wasn't enough - but you didn't catch her attention until the day you were walking across the field to deliver a piece of homework to Coach Martinez and one of her kicks accidentally hit you in the face.

When you woke up, in the infirmary with a broken nose and horrible-tasting medicine, Shauna Shipman was next to you, in the worn yellow armchair next to the infirmary bed, and began pouring every apology possible in your direction, while your head was spinning and you were still groggy, looking like you were asleep.

It was the worst night's sleep you had in your life. And honestly, after that, nights of sleep were rare for you, so it didn't matter.

The thing is, Shauna was unintentionally becoming popular, and she couldn't blow the opportunity by publicly dating someone who wasn't even overly well-known - even though the kick and the broken nose had made you pretty famous in the hallways for a few weeks -. Not only because of that, but also because of the gossip and intrusions, which always happened, and which was a little more serious than the growing popularity of your girlfriend.

***

"Excuse me, can I steal Shauna for a few minutes?"

The girls on the team were sitting in the stands, after an electrifying game that brought them closer and closer to entering nationals, and Shauna hadn't come to celebrate with you as usual. Usually, whenever the Yellowjackets won, she would come running into your arms in the stands, and then you would be making out in the locker room, hiding in the small bathroom stalls, trying to escape the concentration of girls in the place.

But this time, probably to keep up appearances and for the sake of euphoria, Shauna hadn't run to you, even though she knew you were there watching her and cheering for every pass. It wasn't taken personally, of course not, because you knew that Shauna and all the students were having chaotic exam weeks and their heads were full of more important things than relationships.

She smiled as soon as she saw you put an arm around her, and, faced with the incredibly provocative looks of the other girls, with expressions of someone who already knows everything, Shauna stood up, following you, her foot limping a little from the wear and tear of running so much around the field for ninety minutes.

You checked out less-observed places and found the closest tree, and then she pressed you against the trunk and, with her hands on your face, kissed you passionately, like she always did. The butterflies in your stomach were having a party, coming and going every time her cold lips touched yours.

"You were great, baby-"

You tried to speak, but she interrupted you by pressing the kiss further.

"Shut up, let me enjoy you for a little while, then you can talk to me all night, okay?", she whispered, kissing you again, before breaking the kiss after a few seconds, to breathe. You were trying to balance yourself and placed your hands on her shoulders, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't come to you when the game ended, beautiful, my head was… a mess."

"It's okay, love. I'm proud of you for winning."

"The merit is not just mine, but I can live with it." She laughed, hugging you around your waist and resting her head on your shoulder. "So? What do you want for today? Movie night? Bar? Pizza?"

"It's your turn to choose…"

"Ah, right… I guess I have some great plans for us, then."

Her look was suggestive, and you pulled her a little closer just for the grace of kissing her again, amidst your smiles and laughter. This time, however, the kiss didn't last long. They were interrupted by Lottie calling for Shauna.

"See you on the way out, baby…", she murmured, before giving you one last peck and leaving, sweating, panting, leaving you with only the taste of mint, sweat and a silly smile, as you slid your body through the trunk, melted.

Honestly, just the two of you knowing what was going on there was the best thing you could have asked for. Because you were a good match, after all.

***

The topic of "Jeff's party" never became more talked about than weeks after the Yellowjackets won yet another title. You weren't that good friends with Jackie's boyfriend, and if you had to choose, you'd rather stay at home drinking and watching movies with Shauna, but there wasn't much choice. The Yellowjackets were a reserved seat in the venue, and there was no way to deny the invitation after so long.

Also because Shauna and Jackie were best friends, and you couldn't let your girlfriend make the mistake of hurting her best friend over a secret she could "never" tell her about. It wouldn't be that bad, despite the idea of ​​staying away from Shauna so as not to flag you up. It was an easy problem to solve.

The huge balcony of the Sadecki house. The luxurious bathrooms. The bathtub was big enough and the walls were even bigger to muffle the sounds of your laughter and kisses and moans. There would be no problem.

Except it was tempting to formulate an escape plan that actually worked.

And, of course, you couldn't escape the blandishments of Jackie Taylor, who, as Shauna's best friend, demanded to know why the two of you were always together, and why you were reluctant to come - and bringing the brunette along with this idea - and why you didn't know how to dance like her.

Well, you had never been close enough to Jackie to talk about interesting things with her, but now, at the full party and with the bunch of teenagers shouting over the loud music, it was easy to start a conversation. And it's not like she doesn't also have high marks in charisma to bring up the best topics and take you along with her.

But if you could stop to notice the looks on all the teenagers' faces dancing and drinking to Britney Spears, you'd be able to find Shauna's brown eyes fumming as she watched Jackie put her hand on your shoulders and make you sway to her rhythm.

It was as if you were harmless fucking prey living your ordinary life, and she was the hungry, desperate predator imagining imminent scenarios of how to hunt you down and take out all your flesh in one fell swoop.

Her eyes were covered by the red plastic cup that contained the liquid she needed to numb herself so she wouldn't see the rest of that humiliating scene and end up ruining Jeff's party, but things didn't get much better for you and Jackie because, at the very least, as you waited, the room started chanting "Hips Don't Lie", and you had to deal with the most intimidating scene of your entire life.

Jackie started holding onto you in the pre-chorus and, probably without meaning to, began to sway more deeply to the beat of the song, her arms around you, her lips firm on your ear near your neck, her cool breath making you shiver.

Shauna rolled her eyes, biting herself with jealousy and trying to control the urge to take Jackie away from you. Of course, half of all things were caused by drinking, but still, she was sure that you should pay for what it was doing to her.

Without thinking twice, Shauna simply stepped into the middle of the dance floor and wrapped her arms around you, taking Jackie out of the picture by taking you a little further away from her.

"What the fuck, Shauna?"

First name. Calling by nickname even with the sound turned up at the highest volume at a party full of people would not be helpful.

She glanced at you and took another sip, her brown eyes deep into you for a while.

"Shauna, what did I do wrong? We were just dancing!", you defended yourself, when you didn't get a response, and that didn't help either. The silence hovered and continued until it became torturous enough for you to want to leave, taking her by force, in a state that was a bit too worrying for both of you.

***

"I told you we could have stayed home, but you insisted on coming."

"And that doesn't mean I need to drag you everywhere I go, (Y\N)."

"We're going to fight, then, is that it?"

Taking your eyes off the road, crossing the street of her house - which you already knew by heart -, you faced Shauna, who snorted, crossed her arms and stared at the landscape in the passenger seat window, without responding. After seconds of silence and Johnny Cash's low voice filling the room, she whispered, whimpering.

"I'm sorry, baby, I don't know what came over me, it's just…", Shauna sighed, and whimpered again. "Damn, she was practically having sex with you in front of everyone, and I couldn't let my best friend take advantage of the person I'm dating like that!"

You sighed too, realizing that, despite her drunken state, Shauna still had a modicum of sanity to admit that every now and then she went overboard with excessive jealousy. Now, still, you could forgive her, and you did, sliding your free hand up her thigh, your eyes quickly turning to her face.

"I'm sorry, too, I should have watched myself more."

"Okay, anyway", the brunette whispered, clicking her tongue on the roof of her mouth. "Stop the car."

"What?"

"Do what I'm asking, (Y\N), stop the fucking car."

Her tone. You closed your eyes and felt your legs tremble as you swallowed down all your fear and tension.

Obligingly, you stopped the car on an empty road and, while the other cars and pedestrians did their best to ignore you, Shauna ripped off her seat belt and climbed into your seat, sitting between your legs with a mischievous smile. Her hands snaked around your neck and she pushed herself closer as she felt your hands trail down to her hips.

"Hm, I like that. Now… I'm going to show you how to bounce for someone for real."

Your eyes widened, surprised by Shauna's malicious response, but you didn't reprimand her, much less retort. And when she began to truly bounce on you, even in the awkward seat of the car, her breathing became labored the moment the first movement began. Your nails pressed into her thigh, and Shauna moaned in satisfaction, very softly, leaning down to kiss your neck and nibble a little, because she knew you loved it.

In fact, post-fight sex was a recurring thing between you.

Your nails went down a little, squeezing her ass as she kissed you, and then you repeated the same action, hearing even more of your girlfriend's satisfying moans. Thinking about how good it was to fuck her like this, without anyone knowing, without anyone noticing. It was the best feeling ever. You wouldn't trade it for anything.

And you knew that, deep down, neither did she.

Shauna soon left her fancy clothes thrown in the backseat, and you did the same. Shortly after, you jumped into the backseat and started doing what you regularly did, without shame, without fear. Your hands slid down to take off her bra, and she did the same thing to you with the intention of leaving you completely naked in front of her.

With kisses, nibbles, touches and silly hands, you enjoyed that night like no other, before leaving again and returning to your homes as if nothing had happened.

***

"Are you waiting for someone, baby?"

Shauna whispered, startling you, as you sat waiting for her in the locker room after another of the electrifying games in which the Yellowjackets had come out on top once again. It wasn't even new anymore now.

Her laugh felt good in your ear, but you didn't have time to appreciate what she could give you in return, because you were soon pushed into the bathroom stall again, and Shauna resumed the trail of kisses she was trying yesterday along your face and body, trying to remain as silent as possible so as not to alarm any of the girls.

You responded, but it was impossible to hold back, especially when she lowered her kisses to your neck and made you want to scream by holding back your moan. Shauna was loving it, on the other hand, and just kept pushing more and more, for the grace of being able to play with you and your sanity without fear of what would come.

Or at least, who would come…

"Shauna, would you have a tampon- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"

Jackie shouted, making you pull away from your girlfriend instantly, eyes rolling back and a sigh of almost relief escaping your lips. Shauna laughed mockingly and scratched her forehead, shaking her head.

"Can one of you explain this to me?", Jackie demanded and, instinctively, you noticed that the other girls were also with their little heads stretched towards the bathroom stall, trying to see something.

Shauna rushed in, pushing you out of the way and going to her best friend, her brown eyes downcast, dilated, the expression of someone who had just been defeated. "I've been fucking (Y\N) for a while now. That's basically it, if you haven't figured it out yet."

"Shauna!", you scolded her, even though you didn't know what to say to fix that mistake. Even more defeated, you nodded, pursing your lips. "Yeah, it is what it is, there's nothing more to say."

"You two better have a good explanation for all this, or I'm going to turn your heads into mobiles for my house one by one, I swear to God."

Jackie shouted, and, realizing that there was no longer any way to hide it from anyone - not even from yourselves -, you nodded, leaving the bathroom and going after the girl captain, trying to correct that mistake.

Well, now it was done. You had been discovered. And honestly, maybe being caught in the act just made this whole secret relationship thing even better.

You didn't even care much, to be honest. If you could still kiss and make out with Shauna as much as you wanted — even with her teammates whispering all over the place —that would be enough.

[pseudowho]

hiya 🙂 i love your nanamin fics and i followed you for them way back when you wrote the pregnant reader one (and I still think about it). thought id ask you cos you seem to answer questions like this pretty wisely 🥲

i started writing fics for a pretty niche character in a fandom (not jjk) a while back and a friend/moot started then too. this character doesnt have lots of readers and thats fine im just here for the writing.

but since then ive noticed my friend has stopped reblogging my fics even tho they did before and even tho they obvs read and reblog everyone elses fics for this character (there really arent many of us).

they also seem upset about notes/likes a lot of the time. but I know they read my fics because I see lots of the same word choices and styles show up in their fics the next time they post.

its upsetting me lot tbh. i still read, like/comment/rb fics i like and its starting to feel like they do it because they think i have more readers than they do and mb theyre jealous.

anyway i dunno if you think i should raise it with them or just leave it?? they dont talk to me much anymore either after I didnt rb one of their fics i didnt really love.

First of all, well done for starting to write, and writing for an 'unpopular' character too, it looks like it's hard having a niche audience in the Tumblr-sphere. I'm always really grateful when someone writes for a niche character I love, every fic is like finding a diamond!

Second of all: I'm really really sorry this is happening to you. It has happened and still happens to me, too.

Thirdly: While I'll give my thoughts on it straight after this, one truth is that the other person maybe simply doesn't like your writing, and there's nothing mean-spirited about it at all.

Saying this, in your case, there seem to be too many little factors that actually makes me think... 👇

I have Thoughts™️💬 about Toxic Tumblr Reblog Culture...

There is a little phenomenon I've noticed with a lot of fic writers, where they seem to stop reblogging the fics of others who they view as competition. Even if they often read and reblogged another writer's fics before they themselves started writing.

They seem to think that if they reblog the work of you, their "competitor", then your work will get more attention than theirs. It gets even worse the more 'popular' you get, sadly.

I understand, because it's hard to see someone reblog most other peoples' fics about a character, and then pointedly ignore yours. You're not mad for feeling targeted. It can feel this way.

Equally, there can be a cherry-picking of moots' work, and a high school clique attitude to reblogging. Do two or three people band together and constantly reblog each others' work, making a huge fuss whatever it is, but leave you out even though you've historically been part of the circle before? Again, it's not as uncommon as you think.

A real "if we become moots, that means I reblog all your stuff, and you reblog all my stuff" as an unspoken rule. While that might work nicely for some people, it can also foster an air of pressure or entitlement, or of reblogging things even if you didn't really like them, because they're your friend. While fostering growth and circulation in the art community should be celebrated, I'd hate to think someone reblogged my work out of obligation, as opposed to passion.

I've had followers who loved my stuff, always commented and reblogged etc, but when they started writing for the same characters themselves, just stopped. I've also noticed a lot of the things you mention (them using similar word choices, stylistic choices etc to mine, in their new fics).

So, you know they're there reading in the background, and it doesn't make sense that they liked your writing one day, then just stopped liking it overnight, right?

I don't often muse aloud about "controversial" subjects on Tumblr, but this one really gets me. It turns writing, an already isolating art, into an even more isolating "competition".

It's sad, really.

Saying that, I still read, comment, reblog all the work of theirs that I read and love! It feels petty and ridiculous, but try to be the person that you want to see in the community. They'd probably notice they still get just as many readers as before, and actually, will be forced to address that their writing may be less popular for another reason.

I have wonderful friends here who read and reblog any of my stuff they like, just as I do theirs. I made a post a little while back, r.e. always reblogging stuff just because you're moots, and I'm glad to say I don't have this strange entitled relationship with these friends. It's low pressure and really fun.

Reblog in the best spirit; reblog stuff you love, that you think is great, etc etc. Don't fall into bad intentions! It's meant to be fun. It's not high-stakes. What are people competing about? I feel really bad for you, OP, and I know what it feels like.

Jealousy in the Tumblr fic writer community is strong!

Hang in there baby. You're doing great.

-- Haitch xxx

[saygoodnight2theworld]

Sorry guys... I don't usually get super personal on here but it's not like I can post on Facebook about this or anywhere really but here and feel safe about it.

I'm supposed to be celebrating 3 months of sobriety.

Woke up to my whatever the Hell he is freaking out on me for sleeping so late.

He's an addict and sleeps for days at times, so he has no place in saying anything about that.

Also. I have cirrhosis. Also. He's 13 years younger than I.

We've been trying to work things out but some days I'm highly doubtful it'll ever work.

Anyway. I'm a single mom so I live with my mom and stepdad. If you're in the bathroom when mom needs to go. She yells and screams at you. And no, there's nothing wrong enough with her physically that she would need to do that. She just acts like she's entitled and the fucking Queen of Hearts.

But I went up, had to pee really bad from waking up and I'm on water pills as well. Knocked on the door and she screamed "What?!" immediately, not even knowing who's knocking, btw.

I told her I had to pee really bad. Was she almost done. She was standing up with a towel on, shaving her legs, btw.

She again screamed "Not really!" at me.

I don't want to get into the BS with my 18 year old daughter. Let's just say she acts just like my mom. And I'm not speaking to her.

Anyway. Just really needed to vent. I'm proud of myself, even if I have people that want to be assholes to me for no reason.

I'm just really upset. Because being treated like this is partly why I had a drinking problem in the first place.

And instead of being supportive they're all acting like this. 😞

I won't do it though. No matter how bad I'd like to. I will not drink.

Fuck them all for making me feel like shit when they should be there for me.

Thank you for being there for me guys 🖤

[cacodaemonia]

5. what made you start your blog?

6. what’s the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

Hiii!

Well, according to this post (which should show you the date you joined Tumblr if you click on it - idk some coding magic), I joined Tumblr on March 20, 2007, so I don't actually have any memory of that XD My guess was going to be that I joined because I wanted to use the site as an art portfolio to promote my stuff, but I was still living in Japan at that point, so I'm not sure if that's accurate (iirc, I didn't start really freelancing until 2008). Lost to the sands of time XD

Hm, I think the best part is just interacting with people about the things I love, but that's totally possible without being a creator, so it's not really exclusive, haha. So I'll go with... it's really nice when people have thoughtful things to say about what I make! :D AO3 comments and anything nice that friends say about my stuff really do make my day! <3

The worst part for me is probably due to how some people see me as a BNF (hurrk🤢) even though I'm just a hermit goblin sitting at my desk writing and drawing stuff 🤡 But I've noticed that any time people perceive others as having some power or status (whether or not they actually have it), they tend to dehumanize the person. It's common to see people on the internet feeling entitled to what online creators do or say, and they get mad when the person doesn't make what they like or doesn't 100% conform to their notions of what is correct/moral/whatever. At the same time, many people put these creators on a pedestal and treat them like they're some kind of aspirational celebrities who can do no wrong—which is just as uncomfortable and dehumanizing to me as the behavior of the angry, entitled people. 😅 This is why I would never, for any amount of money, become actually famous. I literally cannot imagine anything worse XD

Thanks for the ask! These were interesting questions!

[lostsneeze]

Some Blue Forum Thoughts

TLRDR: It's only going to get worse so keep being sweet to each other everyone, here and discord are gonna be all we have

While not the most active member, I was on the forum for a pretty long time, long enough to notice some of the ways it's changed that I've been thinking might have subtly eroded the culture it fosters. Way back in the day, the Sneezing In Media subforum was used mostly to hunt down clips of shows or movies on youtube and share alerts of when particular episodes were going to come on TV in various regions. Y'know, so you could set your VCR to record them, a thing people used to do.

Nowadays though, movie/show media is a lot easier to find. So instead it's a lot of questions about if clips of particular celebrity individuals sneezing at all exist, and shares of youtubers, streamers, clips off tiktok, etc. That's not surprising, the media landscape has changed a lot since like 20 years ago. But it's...kinda weird, right? Streamers aren't really like movie actors or show characters, celebrity-wise. And most people on TikTok are just, like, regular people.

Hey you know how we have a persistent problem in this community from creepy folks behaving with a deranged sense of entitlement towards the videos and wavs other people make, obsessively collecting them, and even harassing creators for more in perpetuity?

Somewhat of an aside, but if you've seen my age in bio you might've noticed I was talking about 20 years ago on the forum and thought to yourselves "hey wait a minute, wouldn't that have made you a..." YES! Minors used to just be allowed on the forum! Maybe most people know this but until relatively few years ago there was a "youth" subforum where only minors were allowed, and all explicitly 18+ stuff like talkin' about sex and drugs was relegated to the "adult" board. Anything else was just open to whoever. Minors could "interact" as is said here.

And that was an upgrade, btw. Those segregating boards didn't always exist, for much of the forum's lifespan you could just...be 13 years old. And post observations, like about your classmates, in the general board. And click on art topics with full frontal nudity (honor system not to!). And get DM'd by middle-aged adults. Pretty bad!

The point of that digression is to say that the staff, even though it's different people by now I'm sure, has a tradition of moving slowly on even fairly glaring community issues. If something's not technically immediately a problem for anyone, it's probably something they don't feel is their place to do something about, as long as they're taking care of the few "bad apples" or whatever.

Do you feel like it might be a problem, though? Does having an entire subforum dedicated to collating voyeuristic cam footage of strangers seem like it might be...bad? Like the kind of thing that normalizes, facilitates, even encourages specifically one of the worst types of people this community produces? I do, personally! I think it would be hard to prove the exact effect it has, and there's always going to be creepos, but it demonstrates a cultural attitude that I think is a bad omen. The kind of place that just lets that slide without examination or regulation, probably ends up letting a lot else slide too.

So just as I said in the tldr, let's all continue to be mindful about keeping this place a different kind of place than that!

[1d1195]

to the anon that sent me two messages. I haven't been ignoring you. I def stayed away from tumblr the last day or so. But anyway.

You are always welcome to trauma dump to me and I'm happy to listen. I hope that my opinions and feelings don't make you think less of me. I know there's a lot I don't know nor experience and I never aim to offend anyone and never try to make anyone feel invalidated. You are extremely important, and I think that's the most important thing to remember and take away if you decide to read below the cut.

I think your feelings are completely reasonable. I have been struggling with the way he uses his platform myself and other than writing, I've found myself hardly listening to his music lately. I think I've been in love with the old Harry and maybe the way he used to make me feel--when I was younger and less aware of how bad the world was. When I picture him, it's not the Harry from 2024. I'm not even sure it's the Harry I thought about when I started this blog.

I'm not trying to make him sound better than he is, but a lot of people have voiced these opinions about Harry and other celebrities more and more recently. I don't think you're alone and you're right to question his beliefs and attitudes toward social issues and marginalized communities. I try not to delve too much into his relationships. I never understand them and it honestly just depresses me so I steer clear.

You are completely entitled to your opinion and I think if you're protecting your heart and mental health by pulling back from Harry, then there's nothing wrong with that. I like what you said about not being caught off guard. I'm the same way. It would be crippling to find out someone I looked up to wasn't who I thought they were. It's happened a lot actually to people I'm very close with and it hurts like crazy.

I don't know if this helps but part of what I do (specifically me--and my bf would COMPLETELY agree with me) is I def am prone to para-social relationships with celebrities (queue the fanfic archive). I call Ryan by his first name (either one), same with Andrew (Garfield) Being from the same state I'm convinced I would fall in love with Chris Evans at Gillette Stadium watching the Patriots (even though he's now married). And quite honestly? I think this 'pedestal' (if you can call it that because I don't think it is) that I put them on makes them less real. I don't see them as real people. Maybe that's bad in it's own right, too, but I think I do it subconsciously to protect my heart. I really liked watching Ellen growing up--she was a staple when I was home sick from school and I just found her segments enjoyable. When all the bad stuff came out about her it killed a part of my childhood and I'm not condoning what she did because she hurt a lot of people--including myself. I'm not sure how closely you follow my blog (no shade, just feel bad if you have to listen to me repeat myself a lot) but I refuse to watch the news. It just makes this crazy, often-shitty world we live in feel even more dreadful and I couldn't take the negativity any longer. It was my way of filtering out the stuff that hurt me.

What my rambling here was trying to say was, I don't think celebrities are without fault and you're right to question and worry. You're right to protect your heart and mental health because (and the idea that I will never see Michael B. Jordan up close and personal is truly AWFUL) I'm never going to meet them to ask them the hard questions. There will always be the space of media, lies, and more that will come between their real thoughts and actions and the watered down version I get as a run-of-the-mill consumer.

I feel like I made a lot of excuses and ramblings that don't make sense here. This is a very hard subject and I really don't want you to think I'm making excuses for Harry or any celebrity. I think their lives are entirely different than mine. But I do hide A LOT of my true emotions and feelings from everyone all the time and I do think I have that in common with them. I don't know if this will make you think less of me but if it does, I'm very sorry. It wasn't my intention. I appreciate you feeling comfortable to chat with me about the hard stuff and I hope that there's some kind of comfort you take away from all this, even if it was just from getting what you were feeling off your chest. 💕 I hope that you find peace with your decision because again, the most important thing that matters is you're happy 💕

xoxo

[donnerpartyofone]

blargh.

Already debating whether this therapist is going to work out. Which is possibly a good thing if I'm resisting because I'm being challenged. But I'm concerned that her whole approach is doing "you are valid" on me. I feel like that's not really my problem, that I don't necessarily need somebody to tell me my feelings matter. I mean of course that's always a point of contention because when your feelings bring no particular consequences, then it can sure seem like they don't matter (because they really don't in any objective sense), but to me the more pressing issue is WHAT I'm having feelings about and how I grapple with that thing. You can tell me my feelings about X matter all day long and it's not going to affect what a hard time I'm having managing X in my life, and who knows maybe it will make things worse to get so excited about the validity of my feelings, I don't know if I like imagining just how much MORE anger/grief/resentment/whatever I could be experiencing if I got really into like celebrating the importance of all my feelings. Mainly though I don't think the central question of therapy, for me, is "Is it OK that I'm like this?" Frankly it has to be OK because I AM "like this", that part isn't really up for debate. I think I'm more interested in talking about WHY I'm like this, how do I make it more manageable, or maybe how do I get better at/more tolerant of the parts of life that are so hostile and alien to me. Like to use the easy example of whatever is going on with me cognitively--I'm chronically disorganized, I'm destructively clumsy, I get lost going to very familiar places, I have trouble with basic mandatory parts of adult life like filling out forms or whatever, none of this improves with practice/patience/assistance--you know, you can tell me all day long that I'm a good person and I still deserve to live, but that really has no impact on the daily suffering I experience while trying to do things. I mean what am I supposed to do about THAT, I ask you, being "valid" doesn't seem to help me cope. The valid part is just some sort of abstract concept that I can choose to subscribe to or not, like belief in god. Though actually belief in god can give you a sense of purpose, or a sense of the relative meaning of things; just liking yourself doesn't necessarily do any of that. I know plenty of people who seem to really love themselves and actually, they're just really easily insulted and entitled about everything. That seems to be not great for them or anyone around them.

This surface-level complaint is actually what caused me to quit therapy the first time; when I told that person that I was having a hard time just doing basic independent adult things, her technique was to try to convince me that I was NOT having a hard time with anything, I was just exaggerating (lying, or even hallucinating I supposed) because I have low self-esteem. Which created the incredibly destructive and surprisingly long-lasting habit of mentally cataloguing every single time I have trouble doing something, in excruciating detail, so that anyone I could tell would be forced to believe me. And actually, a lot of people don't believe me anyway, no matter what I say. Aw, there there. You're so smart though. You can do anything. Nothing is hard for you except self-acceptance. You are valid.

I'm trying to keep my mind on how desperate I felt when I decided to go back into therapy, and how hard it was to find any available therapist at all who wasn't working for a scammy startup and who wasn't a chirpy little baby who I would never be able to take seriously (or both). I'm not going to give up right away. But I cannot be paying someone to give me pep talks about how I'm OK, You're OK. I have to assert that I'm not in therapy just to be told that I'm still a nice person with good qualities, which has no effect on how hard it is for me to do things, and no effect on the CPTSD that changed my understanding of how the world works and created all sorts of maladaptive behaviors and thought patterns. There could be some value in just having an opportunity to say secret and difficult things out loud, to hear what they sound like. But I'm going to have to train this person to stop reminding me that I'm still a cool dude even if I struggle, because I don't really have a question about my value as a person. It's the struggle part I'm worried about, figuring out why it happens and learning how to cope with it.

I often bring this up, but there's an episode of [cancelled TV show] where [cancelled star] is forced to babysit for this narcissistic mom in his PTA group. Her little boy turns out to be totally demonic, eating raw meat and wreaking havoc; eventually the protagonist finds him in the tub, soaking in a pool of his own diarrhea. He explains, stone faced, that "Mommy says anything I do is OK because I love myself." That's how I'm feeling right now, like my problem is that I'm drowning in shit, and I strongly suspect that loving myself is not going to affect the level of shit that I'm in.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hello dear!

I'm gonna be super weird, narcissistic and cheesey-as a therapist friend suggested, I'm going around announcing that May 7 is my birthday 🎂 and demand for gift words🤪😂 not to have a lonely birthday Again. Surviving the last turning around the sun wasn't easy for me and being away from all family and friends for last 10 years makes my virtual friends my only ones. I don't know How but I wish to celebrate it with you fandom buddies. And since nobody is following me I send it here 😅

Love you!

P.s. I've already got a Sherlock lock screen from a fanartist hehe🥰

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Well, let me be the first to wish you a happy birthday, and I hope it goes well! I'm sorry you've had a shit few birthdays (I've have plenty in my 40+ years), so I do get feeling alone and feeling that you should get to feel special. I haven't really spent birthdays with people in YEARS (I'm talking 15 or so), but I know when you're young you want to feel important.

That said, we also can't go around demanding gifts either (kind of defeats the purpose of a gift, at least where I'm from); it honestly comes off as unpleasant and entitled. Sorry, but your friend is right, it is a bit narcissistic and really... tasteless (not the word I'm looking for but it's escaping me). I dunno. Kind of the whole "choosing beggars" analogy, if you will. I get it though, I really, REALLY do; as I said above, I don't have many family who still even remember my birthday (until Facebook notifies them, anyway), and my only immediate family I talk to is my sister who lives 8 hours away. Occasionally I'll see an aunt who remembered it was my birthday, but yeah, when you get to my age... birthdays just... become another day, my Lovely. I use it nowadays as an excuse to get a week off work, LOL. That's honestly the best hahah. I use it to go to get a whole-assed cheesecake and buy myself something fun, guilt-free, like a Funko Pop or a video game. Seriously, birthdays when you get to be my age are great.

Now, I WILL give you the benefit of the doubt and guess maybe English isn't your first language, so you may not know that the word "demand" comes off as entitled and harsh to native English speakers. It's bad form to "demand" things from people one doesn't really know. Maybe "hope for" or "wish" is the word you're looking for instead? Either way, being on anon is counter-productive to your end goal, lol.

I am happy that you have made it through another year, Lovely, I truly am, and I really do hope you have a wonderful May 7 💜🖤 I sadly have to work :P May all the most beautiful of rainbows shine on your birthday! <3

[dandelion-wings]

Just sent in an ask game ask and oops re-read the prompts and realized 10 is said by two different characters haha... wouldn't make much sense. Can I pretend I meant Jean and Barbara with 19?

Hey, anon, I'm sorry this took so long! I got stuck a while on how to get through the sisterly repression for this line, too. XD;; And then I realized that if I wasn't writing Barbara the full birthday fic today I could steal a scene from it to set this up! So here you go.

ETA: Now archived on AO3.

---

Barbara has planned the perfect afternoon. Noelle helped her set up the table in the gardens below Ordo headquarters and has just started brewing the tea. She hovers, knowing better than to try to help Noelle with something she considers her duties as a maid, and tries not to jitter too much with anticipation. All she's waiting for is--there, on the stairs leading down, the vivid purple of Lisa's broad-brimmed hat. Barbara steps back to give Noelle more space and to be ready to greet her sister.

Jean is protesting as they round the corner. "Lisa, I'm sure the gardens will be more pleasant than my office, but I don't have the time for a leisurely tea. I have to get all my work done this afternoon so that I can- Barbara?"

"Didn't I say I had a surprise for you?" Lisa asks, with a self-satisfied smile. "Don't worry about the work you had lined up this afternoon, dear. Kaeya has agreed to take your meetings, and I can handle the paperwork. *Your* only job is helping Barbara celebrate her birthday."

"But I was going to." Jean's voice is taking on the helpless tone that means she wants to give in even if she feels she shouldn't. "I was going to leave work early for your concert this evening."

"I know," Barbara assures her quickly, though the trouble from the start has been that she *didn't* know. That Jean intended to, yes; that something that seemed more important than Barbara wouldn't come up to interrupt her, no. "But I really wanted to spend some time with you that was just us, without a whole crowd. And when I mentioned it to Lisa and Noelle...."

"We thought we could arrange a birthday present."

"Oh. I see. If I'm their birthday present, then I have no choice." Jean's smile is helpless, too, but also fond. Barbara smiles back, selfish enough to believe that fondness is for her and not for Jean's knights.

"If you left, we'd feel terrible," Noelle says earnestly. "Please sit down, Master Jean."

Noelle pulls out a chair for her, then rushes to get the one beside her for Barbara. She holds the third for Lisa before settling down herself in the fourth and beginning to serve out the tea. Barbara watches with her hands clasped in her lap, eager and anxious, as Jean takes one of the little cream-cheese tarts and bites into it. Her smile is involuntarily, and Barbara and Noelle exchange a look of relief.

"These are wonderful. Noelle, did you make them?"

"Barbara did."

"With Noelle's help," Barbara says. "But I gathered the wolfhooks and valberries for them."

"They did do a very good job," Lisa agrees, taking one of her own. "I was a little disappointed they perfected their recipe so quickly. I'd been helping them taste-test."

Jean giggles at that, then smiles at Barbara. "They really are delicious. I don't know how you found the time with all the hard work you put in for the Church."

"I found the berries while I was already gathering healing herbs, so I didn't have to take time away from my duties. And then I just got up a little earlier to help Noelle bake, so that she wasn't doing that on Ordo time, either."

"You do know you're both allowed breaks, don't you?"

"As a matter of fact, all four of us are entitled to breaks in our working day. It's in the Ordo charter." Lisa smiles pointedly at Jean.

"I'm glad you like them," Barbara says quickly, before Jean can do more than open her mouth to argue.

"Very much." Jean seems grateful for a chance to look at Barbara, away from Lisa's smile. "You did say you wanted time that was just for us. If my duties are being handled this afternoon, I presume you made plans?"

"I thought we could take a walk to Windrise. I don't go there often these days, but I know you like it there, and it would be nice to walk together. I was also hoping we could go fishing?"

"Of course. There's an excellent fishing spot there. I don't have the time lately, but I suppose I do now."

Barbara can feel her anxiety slipping away, replaced by satisfied warmth. Thanks to her friends' kindness, she's going to get everything she wanted for her birthday: Jean's company, some time away from the city without having to worry about work, and the ability to do Jean a favor, too, by giving her an excuse for something she likes. The ever-present tension in Jean's shoulders is already beginning to fade. If she's doing this for her sister's benefit, then Barbara isn't really being selfish by also enjoying it herself.

"It sounds like a lovely afternoon," Lisa says, lifting the pot to top off their tea.

"I'll clean this up," Noelle adds. "And I have a picnic basket- oh, what's Sir Kaeya doing here?"

There's a feeling like a fist clenching in Barbara's chest. Kaeya had seemed so willing to help her with this, surely he wouldn't be here if it wasn't important. When she turns, he's grimacing apologetically, waving from the edge of the garden.

"Lisa, can I borrow you a moment?"

Jean starts to rise anyway. "I should-"

"No you shouldn't," Lisa says firmly as she stands. "I'll take care of it."

Glancing down at Barbara, Jean sinks back into her seat, but she doesn't pick her teacup back up or reach for another of the tarts. She keeps looking sideways at Kaeya and Lisa as they talk at the edge of the garden, just out of earshot. Barbara can't help but follow all those sideways looks.

Finally Kaeya nods to Lisa and turns to head back up the stairs, while she returns to the table. "Noelle, we'll have to leave Jean and Barbara alone for a little while. It's nothing terrible, I promise," she adds to Jean. "You two can just finish your tea and head off on your walk, and we'll be back later to clean all of this up."

"I suppose," Jean says, a little doubtfully, but she stays in her seat. The clenching in Barbara's chest relaxes just a little.

Barbara mouths 'thank you' at Lisa, who smiles and gives her a nod, then sweeps off with Noelle on her heels.

"I'm sure it's nothing they can't handle," she tells Jean once they're gone. "You were able to leave Kaeya and Lisa in charge while we were in the Golden Apple Archipelago, weren't you?"

"That's true," Jean admits. "We can finish these tarts, and if no one's come to get me before they're gone, it *should* be all right for us to carry on to Windrise. Lisa and Noelle will know where we're going, after all."

She still sounds doubtful, but she finally reaches again for her teacup. Barbara takes the excuse to add two more tarts to each of their plates.

There's only one left on Jean's plate when a streak of red comes racing by overhead, springing from roof to roof. Amber speeds herself along with quick dives with her wind glider; she's not *supposed* to be up there, but it isn't the first time Barbara has seen her go as the crow flies, even within the city, when she's in a hurry instead of winding her way up the streets and stairs. The fist clenches tight in her chest again as she looks from Amber passing by to Jean.

"Something's happened," Jean says, setting down her half-finished tart and pushing back her chair as she rises. "I'm sorry, Barbara. I know it's your birthday, but if this is truly an emergency...."

Barbara swallows hard, then summons all her idol's poise. "It's all right. I understand."

"I hoped you would." Jean glances down, and Barbara is torn between bitterness and pride to see her shoulders relax at Barbara's carefully-calculated smile. "If it turns out that I'm not needed here, I promise, I'll come back. We can still go to Windrise, or perhaps walk around the city if I need to stay close."

"Wait," Barbara says, a thought occurring to her as she watches her dream of a sisterly interlude vanish into the hazy 'if' where so many of Jean's promises fail. "I can come along and help! If it's an emergency, people may be hurt. And I can fight, too!"

Jean shakes her head. "No, Barbara. It's your birthday, and there's no need for you to work when you're supposed to be celebrating. If healing is necessary, I can take care of it."

Of course she can. Jean can do everything Barbara can, as well if not better. Barbara pushes down the bitterness. Desperation, though, is harder to dismiss, rising in her throat until it chokes her. She'd wanted, just for once, just for her birthday, to be Jean's first priority. If she can't have that--and she *understands* why she can't have that; she grew up in the same house, for a little while--then she'll settle for her company. Jean has to pay her at least a little attention if she's right there at her side.

"But I *want* to help."

"Commendable as that is, I don't need you there."

That hurts. Barbara doesn't think it was meant to, but Jean says it so sincerely, so *gently*, as if she's breaking unfortunate news instead of confirming something Barbara has always, deep down and secretly, known. She blinks hard against tears as Jean starts to turn away.

"What else can I do?" Barbara asks. The words tear themselves out of her despite her best attempt to choke them back. "What can I do to be *enough* for you?"

Jean freezes, her mouth open in startled dismay. It takes her a moment to catch herself, and in that moment Barbara feels her face go hot and has to turn away. She almost wants to apologize, to take it back and say she didn't mean it. But she can't summon up the poise that she would need to sell those words. Not when she'd thoroughly meant the question.

"Barbara," Jean says, low and wounded. "You *are* enough. You already do so much for Mondstadt."

"No, I'm not. If I was, you'd trust me to help you."

"It's not a matter of trust. I worry about how much you take on, Barbara. I don't want to add to that, especially on your birthday. I don't want to ruin it for you."

"It's already ruined." Barbara's face is burning, and tears well up against her will. "I wanted to spend it with you. Even if it has to be while you're working...."

"Barbara." Jean steps hesitantly closer. She looks pained and uncertain. "I'm sorry. I truly am. If this turns out to be nothing-"

"It won't. Even if it is something they can handle alone, you'll want to be involved, won't you? So you can be certain everything will come out all right. Because you're in charge of all Mondstadt, with Varka gone, and that's- that's more important-"

Barbara is doing her best to sound understanding, to project acceptance through her traitorous tears. It's not as if it isn't true. But her voice cracks, and she can hear the bitterness spill out into her words, poisoning her attempt at graciousness.

"Barbara! That's not...."

Jean doesn't finish. She can't, Barbara knows, not without lying. Because Mondstadt *is* more important than any one person, whether that's Jean herself, trading her health endlessly for the city's welfare, or Barbara, who will always be second place to a Gunnhildr's oath. But when Jean awkwardly opens her arms, instead, Barbara flings herself into them.

"I'm sorry," Jean whispers into her hair, rubbing her back. "I am sorry, Barbara."

"I know," Barbara says, and clings tighter, holding on just a little while longer. As long as Jean will allow. She'll have to go eventually, and even if she comes back, the day will be marred by the interruption. But it's Barbara's birthday. She can be a little selfish, just this once, and keep Jean's attention for a few minutes more.

[someoneinjersey]

while googling the answer to "why does 5 seconds of summer hate their song 'dont' stop'" last night i came upon a tumblr post from a now deactivated account, dated 8 years ago listing four big reasons why they hate 5sos.

as someone who's almost 40 and just became a 5sos fan and has lived through the golden and bullshit days of pop punk and little bands full of dudes etc, i was like OP I JUST WANNA TALK

like their points were that 1) they steal riffs and logos and designs, 2) theyre mean to fans, 3) theyre sexist, and 4) theyre homophobic.

as to point 1 -- at the time the post was made, they were still teenagers (or three of them were, one was 21) and they were of COURSE going to be making music and designs or whatever that were influenced by the bands they liked and grew up on. that's how that shit works, both being teens and being in bands. its extremely hard to be original anymore, and you can't even say the bands they copied were being original either because they TOO were drawing from artists who came before. everything old is new again, every song sounds like another song and every art design has been influenced by another or is a tribute to another. that's just ART. the video linked to prove that a 5sos song was the same as another band's (it was either MCR or FOB or Green Day, idr) is no longer available, but i think a better video to watch would be one of several that points out all popular songs are from the same chords.

as to point 2 -- again, the post cited that explained the bad experience has since been deleted, but you will find that EVERY SINGLE ACTOR OR SINGER OR BAND OR ANY TYPE OF CELEBRITY HAS STORIES FROM FANS WHERE THEY WERE "MEAN". because people have bad days, and sometimes fans really feel entitled to too much of them. we as consumers of their art aren't entitled to shit. and once more (this is a theme to my pov) they were literal teenagers who shot to fame and by their own accounts were sometimes doing five countries in five days.

points 3 and 4 -- the sexism and the homophobia which were just old twitter posts ... i would like to know if OP has ever met a group of young male friends or anyone from australia. obviously we know now that shit's not kosher and hope they've grown and learned, but they were teenagers (I say this because all the ones cited were by Michael who was not the member who was 21 at the time of OP's list). they're about the same age as my brother, and having been around him and his friends at that age ... that's how they talk to each other. same with having had a best friend from australia for 17 years, culturally it's not a big deal to say shit like that. and AGAIN if it's about putting it on twitter for everyone to see, THEY WERE STUPID BOYS.

even though i'm not on twitter anymore (or fucking X or whatever) and i don't follow them on social media at all, i haven't seen anything to suggest they still have that same dumb boy mindset. and you can look at it like, thats me being sexist or ageist, or you can look at it like i'm excusing it all because of their age and gender and the cultural differences, plus their parents probably didn't teach them any differently. so honestly take this however you want but like man. having lived through the pop punk bandom during the 2000s and 2010s, you gotta be able to separate people making stupid mistakes from people doing really fucked up shitty things.

so thats my rant because that post rubbed me the wrong way OH WELL.

[babieken]

I don’t know if you want my opinion or an ask - feel free to disagree . You can be delulu in private or with your friends but maybe not in public especially in front of your favs. I don’t know if you saw the TikTok about which Kpop idol you think you can pull which received backlash but that is harmless and I don’t know about you but I think I don’t want to be perceived by my favs and I wouldn’t want to date a celebrity. I heard you can rent out a Kpop idol to hang out with you for $40k (minimum base rate). Some of the fan calls are insane but I won’t start on that. My dad witnessed seeing fans using ladders to take photos of their favs and crowd them at an airport and he was shocked

Today there was an article published that a fan approached 97 line (NCT Jaehyun/Astro Eunwoo and BTS Jungkook) for an autograph and said no and then after they had finished collected their cups and kept them. I think the article was deleted but I saw the fan was defending their actions, there was probably more to the article but I skimmed it.

I feel like now people just want their Y/N moment? I saw there was a concert and the artist had to say this isn’t a fan sign and people were leaving during the concert because they got their moment. I feel like there is a big change since I have joined (early third generation) and I mainly stan 2nd/3rd generation.

Even though wonho will not join monsta x again, I hope we can get interactions between them. Maybe things are getting more laxxed. I don’t know if you are familiar with TVXQ but the members who left and were black listed in Korea are now promoting and have their own programs.

Anyway this is like 6 different topics in one ask lol sorry for the roller coaster ride. Happy to debate or talk more about stuff. Have a good day!

yeah that's who i was talking abt the other day when i posted that text post abt being delulu.... like YEAH my and my friends are SO DELULU in our private chats it's actually crazy but the whole "who do u think u can pull" is just....😬 it's not even new, someone else started the "trend" a while ago too and it went down pretty much the same. it sounds harmless enough in the grand scheme of delulu things kpoppies have done but it still feels off imo... i can't put my finger on it.

yeah i saw the girl talking abt the hiring idols for 40k too but tbh i don't believe it... logistically it doesn't make sense. it's too much of a risk for companies to just put their artists in a sitation like that and have it leak to the public. especially since a huge part of the idols' imagine is the whole being 'unattainable' thing. plus, if that was a thing, kazakhstan's princess wouldn't have KIDNAP vixx to meet them (true story) sldkjflfsjfls

you're right... fans seem to be getting more and more delulu and i think it's at least partially caused by the videocall fansigns... like ofc the more you give them opportunities to play pretend gf with their oppas the more delulu and entitled they get! god.... the things they sometimes ask idols to do on these phonecalls are appaling.

yeah :((((( i heard abt that!!! I'm happy that the industry is finally starting shift a little bit... i truly hope that by the time monek are finished with their military duties (around their 10th anniversary) they get to celebrate it with wonho even if he doesn't rejoing the group. i think its unfair to exclude him from their milestones since he was part of the group for most of it and is responsible for so much of their achievements...

[sophsun1]

Oh no, I totally agree both of those things are horrible and it’s gross that “fans” acted that way. The way i worded it, it did come off a little weird, my bad. I just meant it that way because years ago when i joined, for example, the supernatural fandom, i remember some “fans” being the reason Jensen and his wife had to move and that some “fans” gifted his wife fishing hooks and she had to get tetanus shots. And at the same time some fans were just weird and crossing lines with actors. So i think in my brain because of witnessing that, those two got stored in different compartments (like wtf and wtf 2.0). But I totally agree just the date story alone made me sick to my stomach because I can’t imagine how that has to feel. I had no clue though that the fan’s behavior kind of affected Gale and Randy’s friendship, that they basically couldn’t hang out. I’m glad that fans now calmed down if they see them in public. I’m happy that the show wasn’t around during the social media because this would be crazier now but damn, i do wish it was around social media but only for bts content and better quality videos. Anyway, thank you answering and my bad if it came off like those two things were just eh whatever type of behavior.

Hey anon!

Oh, yes the supernatural fandom is another level of unhinged I've witnessed it on the outskirts, I mean if you're on tumblr it's literally impossible to miss. It's disgraceful the way people behave, it leaves me shocked by the human condition to willingly participate in that type of behaviour and it still continues to this day.

I hate celebrity culture full stop, I have never and will never have any form of parasocial relationship with an actor or feel entitlement, I may fangirl and enjoy their work but that's it.

I've seen it happen in many fandoms and it won't stop it just seems to be getting worse, people's sexuality is still dissected, actors are made highly uncomfortable and even outed. We'll never really know the entire deal with what happened to Gale and Randy and to be honest I don't want to, what I've seen is enough. I unfortunately don't think it has calmed down in regards to them, if they posted a picture together tomorrow I'm 100% sure there would be inappropriate comments. I'd take the low quality grainy bts content over them being on social media in this era any day. I don't think they would survive it to be honest I mean it was bad enough then.

[pickledpascal]

Achilles’ Heel

Relationship: Benoit Blanc x Ezra Wayne

Word Count: 1.2k

Summary: Elle decides to celebrate her 22nd birthday at an escape room, bringing Ezra and Benoit along.

Elle's 22nd birthday was in a few days and Ezra usually liked to go all out to celebrate them. He had the means to. He wanted to make each birthday memorable for her in some way. Now that Elle was old enough to make her own decisions, Ezra would just ask her what she wanted to do to celebrate. Usually, it would just be dinner with some friends, a small party, maybe she'd even ask to reserve a theater when one of her favorite movies was playing nearby. 

Not this time.

This year, she wanted to go to an escape room. Perhaps Elle chose it just to watch Benoit struggle, laughing her ass off as he tried to gather clues to no avail. 

And laugh she did. 

They just barely got out of the room before the timer ran out with the help of Ezra putting in the right combination of numbers on a steam-punk-like machine near the door they needed to exit from. As they exited, Elle couldn't stop laughing at Benoit's inability to figure out what they needed to get out. 

"You know these sorts of things are my Achilles' heel!" Benoit complained as they walked to the car. They rode there in Benoit's car, an Ashton Martin DB5 in gunmetal gray. 

Elle gave Benoit a light squeeze from her spot next to him. "I know and I love you for it." She grinned happily.

Ezra cocked an eyebrow at Elle and shook his head slightly as a chuckle escaped him. His daughter certainly was an interesting creature. A little less dirty than a raccoon found in a dumpster but the same sort of energy. 

"We solved it though, that's the important part." Ezra tried to make Benoit feel better, rubbing his shoulder gently as he pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

Benoit could sense what Ezra was trying to do, a light smirk making its way to his lips. "Y'know what would make me feel even better, darlin'?" He teased softly as he wrapped an arm around Ezra's waist to press their lips together.

Even after being together for months at this point, there was rarely a moment when Ezra or Benoit didn't feel winded after a kiss. It filled their chest with an unexplainable feeling. Something about it, they knew it was good. It had to be when they've never felt better in their entire life when they weren't together. 

"Ugh, you guys act like high-schoolers." Elle feigned disgust, shaking her head but Benoit and Ezra could hear a tinge of affection in her voice as they pulled away from each other. 

Ezra set a hand on Benoit's shoulder as he looked at Elle. "Careful, kiddo, or else I'm not paying for food tonight." He teased softly.

"You wouldn't!" Elle gasped, a hand on her chest. 

"I would. Now get in the car." Ezra ordered with a small laugh, getting in the passenger seat after Elle climbed in the back of the car. 

Keeping Elle humble was a little difficult at times but it helped that Ezra gained his wealth later in life so she was used to not always having what she wanted. The most difficult thing for Ezra, though, was not buying everything Elle wanted. He wanted to give her the world but he knew it would only give her a sense of entitlement, like she didn't have to work for anything. That's not what Ezra wanted out of Elle. 

So far, so good. Elle had a relatively normal job working at a local coffee shop chain as a barista. She earned her own money, only asking for her father's when it was a necessity or something she knew they could enjoy together. 

Benoit drove back home after going out for dinner–to Ezra's house. He practically lived there. Most of his clothes were folded in Ezra's dresser and some even were hung up in his closet. He had a feeling he'd be permanently moving in soon with the way everything was going. Benoit barely slept in his apartment anymore. 

"Elle really loves you, Benny." Ezra hummed, an arm around Benoit's shoulder as he played with Elle's hair. She had his head in his lap, fast asleep while a movie was playing on the TV. It cast a white glow on their faces. 

Benoit smiled softly at the girl–one he was glad to appoint as his adoptive daughter. His eyes flicked back up to Ezra's and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. "I love her too." He whispered, running a gentle hand through Ezra's hair. 

The man was letting his gray's grow out and Benoit had to admit, it made him all the more attractive. Although, the plan was most likely to have Elle dye them a some random color. The color she chose depended on the day and Ezra simply let her.

Ezra leaned into Benoit's shoulder, a content look on his face. "I… want to make it sorta official. You and I." He admitted, piquing Benoit's interest. "You've basically been living here for the past few months, I've just been putting off asking but… I think you should move in. You're already like a second father to Elle and I know I would love coming home to you–"

He was cut off by a peck to his cheek. "I was waitin' for you to ask." Benoit admitted with a light blush on his cheeks. 

Ezra let out a light laugh, pulling Benoit closer as a sigh escaped his lips. He's had quite a hard life but that didn't matter anymore. He was safe and comfortable, so was his little family whom he loved so much. Those who have wronged him most likely had it harder than him and he couldn't find it in himself to care. 

They didn't matter. This little moment did. 

Ezra's daughter asleep in his lap while he was cuddled with the love of his life. Well, maybe not as asleep as she seemed. 

"Finally." Elle pursed her lips, her voice a little tired from the nap she just awoke from. "I've been waiting for you to ask him." 

Ezra's face went blank as he looked down at his daughter. He grabbed a pillow and smothered Elle's face with it, a mischievous glint in his eyes. The young girl struggled for a moment, her legs and arms flailing until she fell onto the floor with a loud thump.

"Dad! Uncalled for!" Elle exclaimed before she turned to Benoit, "Can't believe you just let that happen. Aren't you a detective of the law or something, Dad? That was totally illegal and downright abusive, actually." She joked, crossing her arms from her place on the ground. 

Past the shock of Elle calling him 'Dad' for the first time, Benoit let out an amused laugh. Was this what a proper family was like? Dysfunctional with lots of faults but beautiful and nice and fulfilling. It filled Benoit's sense of self with contentment, far better than any conclusion to a case could ever be. 

Yeah, being a dad was nice. 

[queerlyglittering]

My 30th birthday is one week away.

It feels kind of surreal. My 20s have been absolute hell, in an infinite multitude of ways. And right now I don't have much hope that my 30s will be any better. If anything I have even fewer friends and even less support than I've ever had, and financially I'm worse off than I've ever been (yay codependence 🙃). The fact that I've survived this long is frankly a fucking miracle.

I don't have the means to celebrate much, but if I have any local friends or family who want to hang out, that would be greatly appreciated. (Though, it would have to be on Sunday/Monday/Tuesday, since those are the only days I'm free.) I'm also down for virtual hangouts with my non-local peeps, pretty much any time I can. 💖

Aside from that, I do have a wish list of stuff I'd kinda like for my birthday, just a few wants and needs. Which is kind of amazing in itself, since I don't think I've put together a coherent wish list for my birthday, Christmas, or any other holiday since my childhood. There are only 15 items on the list; everything (except one thing that I don't actually expect to get) is under $30, and most things are actually more in the ballpark of $10-20. That seems reasonable to me, even though the entire idea of asking people for gifts feels unreasonably entitled in the first place. It is by no means compulsory or necessary, and if I get even one thing off the list I will be beyond grateful. (I do have the items ranked by priority/how badly I want them basically, lol. You'll probably have to sort them that way in the list manually though, I think Amazon defaults to a "newest additions first" sorting method.)

I'd better go ahead and post the link before I fawn-respond and talk myself out of it. OK here you go thank you I love you bye

[the-lady-writes-what]

For those of you who don't know, outside of fiction and writing fanfiction (or attempting to), my other hobbies include fashion history. I don't glue myself to the TV for the Met Gala, but considering what I've heard over the last few years about the absolute flops served on the red carpet, I can't say I've been missing out. Since the 2023 Met Gala is coming up in a few months, I thought I'd share some information from the 2022 Gala that on one part infuriates me, and on the second part I just learned about and infuriates me even more.

Long Post

Part 1:

In 2022, Kim Kardashian thought it would be great idea to wear Marilyn Monroe's iconic sheer dress she wore to sing 'Happy Birthday' to President Kennedy. I used to dislike Marilyn for the dumb stereotypes and misconceptions about her, but after doing research I can say that Marilyn is now one of my top favorite women in history, but that's a story for another day. When I say Kim decided to wear Marilyn's dress, I mean it literally. She wore the 60+ year old, fragile dress made of material that no longer exists and didn't even fit her to the Met Gala. Not only she did not bother to follow the theme, she wore a priceless artifact of American pop culture and history simply because she could. Here's an actual fashion historian who knows more than I do talking about the subject:

Abby Cox

Part 2:

Even though it's the right thing to do to criticize Kim for wearing a piece of American history, it's more important, I feel, to also talk about another piece of exploited culture and history. What I feel isn't talked about nearly enough is the fact that Emma Chamberlain wore a necklace that was stolen from India. In 1928, Cartier made the Patiala Necklace for Bhupinder Singh of Patiala, the Maharaja. It was originally made with over 2,000 diamonds and Burmese rubies. 1948, the necklace disappeared from the Royal Treasury of Patiala only to reappear in 1998 in a second-hand shop in London with most of its priceless Indian diamonds missing. An associate of the Cartier company snatched it up and replaced the missing diamonds with cubic zirconium and synthetic diamonds. It was put on display and loaned to Emma Chamberlain with no real intentions of returning the stolen necklace to the descendants of Bhupinder Singh. Given how Bhupinder's granddaughter, Jyotsna Sigh lives in LA and makes jewelry and was involved in exhibit "Maharaja: The Splendor of India's Royal Courts" at the Asian Art Museum where a mere replica of the necklace was displayed, it wouldn't and shouldn't be hard to return the stolen property.

Conclusion:

While it is important to criticize Kim Kardashian for her entitlement and the damage she has done to future fashion history conservation, especially for iconic American history and pop culture, it is far more important to discuss and criticize celebrities like Emma Chamberlain for continuing exploitation and theft of communities historically harmed by colonialism and racism. Cartier and Chamberlain have not given any commentary on the necklace, which is a disheartening but an expected response if I cynically say so myself. We might not know how the necklace arrived to a second-hand shop in London from a royal treasury in India, but it is safe to assume it was theft. As much as I hate Kim for wearing Marilyn's dress, I'm more disgusted by Emma Chamberlain for wearing a necklace stolen from India and refused to acknowledge her part in perpetuating colonialism, even though wearing stolen Indian jewelry fits the gala's theme of the Gilded Age, a period which exploited and colonized India and several other non-European cultures around the world.