#everything else. not good. i wasnt expecting it to be so i wasnt terribly floored but MAN. what a bad concept to base a film on

[lacking-hydration]

dave foley as chris, it's pat (1994)

Sorry to curse the dashboards of mankind with this film. But. chris is very pretty so its worth it. lorddd this movie is terrible, everyone says this about 90% of his filmography but dave is genuinely the only watchable part of this movie... I love you chris, pat doesn't deserve you 💔

[bakugous-abs]

Day 5 of Halloween 2020

~Brought to you today by Admin Bomb!

~~~

October First

Halloween. God, Bakugou couldn't tell if it was his favorite or least favorite time of the year. 

No, he definitely wasn't one to wear a costume and go out trick or treating. That time was way past him and he couldn't remember why and how the hell he was able to trust getting candy from strangers. Frankly that whole aspect of Halloween seemed so hypocritical!

Every other time of the year we’re told to not take candy from strangers. Never ever once were we allowed to take candy from them. But on this specific day? Sure! Go right ahead. Infact, take candy from MULTIPLE strangers!! Nothing could go wrong with that.

The countless reports of needles being stuck in licorice and suckers already being sucked in told a different story.

And the fucking  k i d s. They were so annoying. Screaming and running after each other. Throwing a fit when they didn't get the kind of candy they want or when their siblings got one extra piece. The snot and tears. It was so gross.

That part of Halloween, Bakugou said fuck off to.

However the scaring? And the terrified faces? That's something he could look forward to. 

Seeing the look of horror Pikachu got when he prayed on one of his fears was so exciting. The heightened anxiety in the Yuuei hallways made for some easy targets to make scream and run away.

That, is why Bakugou liked Halloween. 

“Yo Bakubro, we’re gonna head out and get our costumes. You wanna come with?” Kirishima barged into his room, flicking on the light.

“Fuck no.” Bakugou cursed. The sudden brightness was stinging his eyes, the red irises struggling to adjust to sudden change. “I already told you last week you dumbass, I don’t do trick or treating.”

Kirishima's shoulders visibly went limp, a pout occupying his lips. “Come on man, it’ll be fun. You even get to scare some little kids.”

“I can do that without the help of a costume. Now get out.”

He huffed. “If you say so, man. We’ll be back later! See ya.” And with that Bakugou's door shut with a click, the lights left on.

The blond cursed the redhead under his breath. Why was it so hard to shut off the light when they leave! He has it off every single time they open the door, so why not shut it off again when they leave!?

Bakugou got up to shut the light off, but stopped in his tracks when he noticed a letter on his neat floor. When did that get there? Did shitty-hair leave it there when he left?

It was a pretty white envelope with a splotch of red to the left of the center. As he got closer he read his name in very intricate cursive. Had it not been for the date in a nice fine print, and the fact that he didn't like anyone and fully expected no one to like him back, in the upper corner he would have assumed this was an old valentines letter.

He picked it up. What the fuck was this doing here? The handwriting was very obviously not Shittyhairs. His was too rough and sharp to ever resemble something like this. 

“10-1-xxxx <3 Bakugou”

Hesitantly, he turned it around and found a wax seal on the back. A simple circle, nothing more.

The letter was ripped open, the wax seal completely forgotten. If the letter inside got ripped, that wasn’t his problem. Unfortunately, the letter went completely unscathed.

He took it out and unfolded it, careful to hold it horizontally in case this was a prank gift from one of the dunces that called him his friend, but there was no such thing. Infact, the letter seemed virtually empty except for right smack dab in the middle. A small word written in what seemed to be a font designed to replicate human writing.

“Hi”

Bakugou's eyebrows crinkled. That's it? He turned the paper over, flipped it back, then turned it over once more. Nothing.

“Such a waste of fucking paper.” He muttered, crushing the note within his palm and lit off his explosions, a caramel scent wafting through the air and black smoke trailing along with it.

He threw what was left of it into his trash, dusted it off his hands, and flicked the lights back off.

Whoever wrote that letter had a pretty terrible sense of humor

~~~~~

October Second

Bakugou woke up the next morning like usual. Stretch, pop his joints and spark a few explosions, then sit up and get ready for school. The letter from yesterday lingered in the back of his mind, still annoyed that someone thought something like that would even be considered funny.

How the hell just writes a tiny Hi on a whole sheet of paper. Its such a fucking waste! It was irritating him more than anything.

That's why when he got a second letter this morning, also slid underneath his door, he just threw it on his bed to be dealt with later. He didn’t need to get any more pissed off about something before going to school and getting pissed off even more. No, that can wait till after he got his homework done.

And it did wait. During the day he completely forgot about the existence of the letter. Going to classes, almost blowing Dekus face off in training, shouting at the group that seemed to be stuck to his thighs, going to more classes. Completely normal.

But when he got home and locked himself in his room to do homework and calm down, he saw the letter on his bed and immediately became pissed again.

He marched on over to it and picked it, opening it in the same fashion he did yesterday and again, the letter managed to come out unscathed.

He opened the paper, preparing to see another waste of paper. Unfortunately the universe was granting his wishes, but not to the extent he was thinking.

This time, there was a sentence, a sentence that made his heart stop for a second. 

“You have lovely skin.”

What. The actual. Fuck.

Who the hell is this? Why are they talking about his skin? How do they know anything about his skin?

Subconsciously his eyes darted around him. Everything looked the exact same. He looked behind him, no one was there. But there was a nagging feeling in the middle of his back, like someone was staring there no matter where he turned.

Fuck this.

His eyes glided toward the balcony. The curtain were wide open. But they were facing the 1-B building. No one could be watching him…

The curtains were closed in a matter of seconds.

~~~~~

October Seventh

The letters kept coming. Every day they got creepier. Complimenting a feature about him and details this person would only know if they got close to him.

He was losing sleep. His eight hour nights shortening rapidly to only around four hours and it wasn't consecutive. 

Yesterday he became so sick of it he grabbed the five letters he had received, first still burnt in his trash can, and stomped down to the lounge room, confronting them of the letters asking whoever it was that was sending them to step the fuck up.

No one had any idea what he was talking about. 

He attacked all the girls first, not physically no, but yelling at them to confess who done it. No dude in their class would have this good of handwriting other than that belly button laser guy.

But he had no idea later, saying Bakugou was not exactly his type, which he got a yelling for as well.

Todays letter… wasnt any better than the last.

"This is almost as much fun as watching you sleep."

He held the latter in his hand, not noticing the grip slowly getting tighter and tighter, and suddenly the ends were crinkled and charred, the only thing left was a single word.

Fun.

~~~~~

October Fifteenth

Bakugou finally cracked and told the teachers about the letters. To say they overreacted was,,, actually just about right.

There were now teachers stationed on top of the buildings, around the perimeter, and on Bakugous floor.

He hated to admit it but having a few pro heroes there eased his edge a little. A felt safer. Safer than he had in the last two weeks.

But unfortunately, that wasnt enough.

For in the middle of the night, to his absolute horror, the rustling of paper was heard across his room.

His body went cold. Eyes wide as all hell. He used his feet to curl all his blanket away from the edges of his bed and under his legs and over his body. 

'Please,' his mind pleaded. 'Please fucking tell me thats not another letter.'

And to his absolute horror, when he sat up, just a little bit… there, visible in the light shining under the crack of his door, was a letter, with the same red heart and perfect cursive handwriting that spelled out his name.

"Please dont scream, they'll hear you"

~~~~~

October Twenty-sixth

Its been a few days since hes gone out of his room. The pros thought hed feel safer in his room where they could keep an eye on him but in reality.

Bakugou didnt feel safe at all.

Everywhere he went his anxiety told him someone was there. With beady eyes that went unblinking just… staring at him. Like he was a slab of meat for a hungry starving lion.

But he wasnt allowed to complain, even though he did, and was expected to remain still. 

He was expected to wait.

Wait.

And wait.

He didn't want to wait. He didn't want to be here anymore.

He was behind on his classes, but he couldn't focus long enough on the work to get it done anyway.

He had nothing else to distract him. Hes read through all his books, played all his games, watched all his movies. There was nothing else to do other than wait like a sitting duck.

So what the hell was he supposed to do?

And while he had his door shut, he finally broke down, tears streaming down his face and fear coursing through his veins as he knew, by the sound of paper sliding under his door, that he wasnt safe anywhere anymore.

"Dont struggle, I hate when they struggle"

~~~~~

October 31st. Halloween Night

Halloween...

Halloween. Bakugou hated Halloween.

He hated Halloween. He hated being scared. Scared all the time. 

He couldnt handle the sound of paper anymore. Not the sound of it wrinkling, folding, unfolding, ripping, he hated paper.

All kinds of paper.

Wrappers, notebook, printer.

It was all terrible.

And now… he can't even handle unwrapping his own candy.

Bakugou hated Halloween.

And has another letter slid under his door, now in direct daylight, and got up and looked at it.

The cursive was now just scratches. The heart too dark to be artificial. 

He opened it, slipping the paper out and reading the note. One word. Tiny in the middle of the paper, resembling the first ever note he got. One word.

'Bye…'

However, this time, when he turned the note over, he found something else. Another word- no, a sentence.

'Till next year… Bakugou Katsuki.'

And just like that, his body ran cold, and his vision went dark.

[ecoamerica]

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The American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 broadcast recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by active climate leaders. Watch to find out which finalist received the $50,000 grand prize! Hosted by Vanessa Hauc and featuring Bill McKibben and Katharine Hayhoe!

[bluesfm]

(  park  chaeyoung  ,  twenty two  ,  &  cisfemale  )  who  ?  these  days  ,  it’s  all  about    blue hyong,  who  comes  from    los  angeles  &  ca    and  is  making  headlines  as  a    singer    .    she   currently  has  a  fan  count  of  42k    ,  no  thanks  to  the  rumors  of  them  being  inflexible  !  but  ,  on  the  other  hand  ,  their  most  devout  fans  say  they’re  actually    imaginative    .  last  i  heard  ,  they  caused  quite  a  buzz  when    she   publicly   dissed    her  new   record    label  and   the   misogynistic  treatment   she  was   receiving   from   their  reps  !  it’s  no  wonder  they  remind  me  of    long   rants   in  the  notes  app   being  posted   to  her   twitter  account  ,  empty  bottles   of  wine  laying  at   recording   studios’   floors   &  notebooks   upon  notebooks   filled  with   lyrics   she  might   never  use   but   refuses   to   let   go  of   .  

well hello human friends !! n also hello to the non human friends too , wassup . i’m angie a  dumb  noodle  from  the  middle  of  the  south  american  jungle  , and i’m here to introduce yall to this mess i call blue  who’s  a muse i have had  for yrs now n carry w/ me wherever i go , with some minimal changes but she’s still the  same  messy  bitch  on the  inside  don’t  worry  folks !  so   i  will   provide  u w/  some  background  info  on   her  n  some   possible connections  under   the  cut . issa  lil messy  but  we’ve   been  away  for  a while   pls  bear  w me

blue  is  the  only  daughter  to  a  couple   of  south  korean  immigrants  that  came  to   america  when  they  were  in  their  very  early  20s  n  already  expecting  blue  in  order  to  chase  the  american  dream  n  create  a  better  life  for  themselves  n  their  family  .  their  life  was  pretty  hard  for  a  big  part  of  blue’s  childhood  ,  while  they  were  both  studying  n  working  odd  jobs  to  pay  for  their  education  all  the while  taking  care  of  a child .  so  blue  didnt  have  the  best  childhood  ,  not  that  her parents  were  bad  or  anything  they  just  didnt  have  time  for  her  . nowadays  ,  they  are  a  lot  more  comfortable  in  life  ,  since  her  dad  became  a  lawyer  n  her  mom  is  a  nurse  ,  but  they  definitely  didnt  have  an  easy  beginning  .

ok  so  maybe  bc  they  werent  present  durant  most  of  her  childhood  they  didnt  notice  a  lol  of  signs  that  might  have  made  things  a  lot  easier  for  them  ,  bc  by  the  time  they  were  available  to  emotionally  be  there  , during  her  early  teenage  years ,  blue  was  already  kinda  a  mess . she  had  grown  up  w  very  lil  structure  n  refused  the  rules  they  tried  to  instill  on  her  n  was  already  used  to  doing  things  her  own  way  .  that  lead  to  a  lot  of  conflict  between  them  ,  since  they  expected  her  to  study  hard  n  do  well  for  herself  in  a  nine to fiver  when  she  was  already  sure  art  was  the  only  way  to  go  n  while  she  did  ok  ,  she  definitely  wasn’t  as  good  as  her parents  expected  her  to  be .

so  ...  u  know   her  teenage  yrs  were  basic  girl  angsty  she  fought  a  lot  w  her  parents  n  rebelled  frequently  n  ran  away  from  home  like  ...  weekly  ,  but  she  never  rly  had  any  real  hardships  .  life  was  reasonably  good  but  she  always  had  something  to  complain  abt  ...  just  as  she  liked

[  MENTAL  ILLNESS  TW  ]

but  then  she  reached  her  late  teens    they  all  realized  there  was  something  going  on  other   than  the  usual  teenage  angst  she  displayed  all the time  when  she  had  her  first  manic  episode  .   her  parents  thought  it was  a  “  blue  thing  “  at  first  bc  she  was  usually  a  very  impulsive  person  n  she  rly  didn’t  have  a  habit  of  thinking  before  acting  on  her  impulses  ,   but  her  mom  quickly  noticed  the  signs  of  a  manic  episode  when  she  realized  how  aggitated  n   restless  she  was  , specially  when  blue  described  an   hallucination  she  seemed  to  be  having  .   they  took  her  to  a  psychiatrist  ,  she  was  admitted  to  a  hospital  n  diagnosed  w  type 1  bipolar  disorder  n  very  quickly  medicated .  while  the  medication  brought  her  out  of  her  episode  ,  n  she  was  allowed  to  go  home  after  her  mood  seemed  to stabilize  ,   blue  also  noticed  it  stunted  her  severely  emotionally  n  decided  (  against  medical  n  parental  advice  [  pls  dont  do  it  fam  !!  take  ur  meds  ]  )  to  quit  her  medication  ,  falling  into  her  first  major  depressive  episode  a  few  weeks  afterwards  . n  for  abt  four  years  she’s  been  living  w  her  disorder  ,  n  she  doesn’t  medicate  at  all  .  she’s  super  open  abt  her struggles  n  she  has  a  Lot  of  them  ,  specially  w  how  much  drugs  n  alcohol  she  consumes  .   i  never  said  she  was  smart  yall  .

[  END  OF  TW  ]

ok  so  as  u  probably  assume  ,   blue  is  an  emotional  mess  .  she  has  a   very  chaotic  personality  ,  n  most  of it  isnt  even  from  her  illness or  anything  she  just  is  a  very  chaotic  person  in  general  ?  she  is   one  of  those  artsy  ppl  who  forgets  to  wash  her  own  clothes  so  she  ends  up  wearing  the  same  dress for  like  ,  3 days .  she’s  super  outspoken  n  outgoing  n  rly easy  at  making  friends  if  u  can  get  past  the  dumbass energy  she  exudes 24/7  ?  but  yes  just  a  very  outgoing  person  n  a  outright  mess  most  of  the  time  .  she  is  also  soooo stubborn  u  will  never  get  her  to  change  her  mind  abt  smth  she  believes  to  be  right  about  in  any  way  .  u  just  cant  .  she  loves  a  good  time  n  loves  partying  n  is  the  lack  of  impulse  Queen  soo if  u  got  any  bad  ideas  she  is  the  one   u  should  go  for  if  u  need  any  company  .  also .... so dramatic  .  she  makes  a  big  deal  of  everything  n  has  0  apologies  abt  that  .  just  catch  her  crying  over  high  school  musical  3  or  smth  like  that  .

but  yea  on  the  bad  side  tho  ,  blue  takes  up  n  gives  up  on  projects  so  easily  n  she  can  be  super  fickle  abt  things  in  general  .  like  ,  she  will  defend  an  idea  for  7  hours  but  2  days  later  she’s  already  onto  smth  else  n  doesnt  even  remember  being  so  obsessive  abt  that  other  thing  ?  a  mess .  is  also  Quite  abrasive  ?  if  she  thinks  ur  acting  dumb  shes  not  gonna  be  scared  to  call u  out  on  it  .  can  also  have a  Reaally  explosive  temper  .  not  usually  but  specially  during  manic  episodes  she  can  be  quite  easy  to  annoy  ngl  .  is  very  unreliable  ,  especially  if ur not  too  close  ..  tbh  that  is  something  connected  to  her  disorder  .  when  she’s  on  a  manic  episode  ,  she  will be  too busy  planning  things  she  will  never  get  around  to  doing  or  painting  her  entire  house  or  spending  3  days  awake  n  drunk  writing  17  songs  by  herself  .  n  during  her  depression  is  very  hard  to  get  her  to  do  anything  n  even  if  she  feels  terrible  , she  rly  cant be  an  available  friend  .

in  regards  to  her  sexuality  ,  she’s  an  open  bisexual  and   also  is  a  crazy  romantic  n  falls  so  hard  for  literally  no  reason .  but  like  ...  doesnt  have  the  healthiest  mentality  for  relationships  ?  not  like  in  a  toxic  way  but  she  will usually  give  145%  of  herself  at  all times  n  honestly  believes  all  of  the  ppl  she  falls  for  are  the one (1)  just  wants  to  make  things  work  no  matter  what  .  she’s  v  impulsive  w/  meeting  n  falling  for  ppl  tho  so  things  dont  rly  end  up  working  n  she  always  ends  up  heartbroken  over it  .  Well  .  At least she’s  trying  right  ?

in regards  to  her  career  n  art  , she’s  posted  youtube  covers  n  original  songs  for  a  couple  years  and  gathered a  decent  following  ?  she  wasnt  huge  or  anything  but  she  did  get  a  record  deal  w  an  actual  big  label  out  of  it  a  few  months  ago  .  blue  was  pretty  happy  abt  it  but  then  when  the  recording  process  started  she  realized  they  werent  treating  her  as she  thought  she  deserved  at  all  ?  which  resulted  on her  taking  her  thoughts  to  some  reps  of  the  label  n  when  she  didn’t  feel  any  difference  in  the  way  she  was  being  treated  she  took  it  to  the public  ?  which  definitely  caused  quite a  sitr  bc  she  wasn’t  a  huge  name  but  she  was  big  enough  ?  so  now  she’s  in  some  considerable  trouble  w  her  label  but  Also  more  famous  than  ever  so  they  are  choosing  not  to  bury  her  for  now  ?  she’s  in  some  definite  trouble  though  so  it’ll  be  fun  to  see  what  happens  next  n  what  her  moves  will be  ?  spoiler  alert :  it’ll prob  be  smth  dumb.

i  still have  so  much  to  say  but  i’m  so lazy  wow .  dont  start  ur  intros  so  close  to opening  time  folks  thats  my  tip  as  an  old  internet  auntie  .  OK SO  ONTO  SOME  CONNECTIONS  NOW  

some label  mates  who  she  may  or  may  not  get  along  with  ?

hookups !!  she  prob  has  a  few  she  regrets  too   bc  who  doesnt  am i  right

best  friends !!  ppl  who  actually  support  her  n  she  loves  w  no restrictions  just  love  all  around  friends

exes </3  not  gonna  lie  i  have  some  sad  ideas  abt  this  one

good  influence  bc  blue  is  a  mess she  needs  one  of  those  pls  someone  slap  her  head  n  make  her  drink  some  water

a  fling  she  has  feelings  for  but  may  not  be  requited  ...  i  like  my  romantic  connections  to  be  angsty  did yall  notice

artistic  soulmate  !!  someone  her  artistic  bitch  side  just  vibes  with  ?  could  be  a  songwriter  or  singer or  anything  tbh

some   indecisive  romantic   shit where blue rly  knows  sh’s  too messy  n  this  person  is too amazing ?  but  they still  have  feels  so   ... now  what ?

this is  p  mcuh  it ??  it  has  taken so long  to  finish  this  i  hate  myself  but  HEY  if  u  like  blue  or  dislike  her  u  should  hit  me  up  so  we  can  come  up  w  some  plot  ideas  ?  i wish  i  had  a  quirky  goodbye  idea  but  my  brain  has  just  quit  working  guys  so  u  get  nothing  from  me  other than  a  good  old  fashioned goodbye  thanks  for ur  attention  i  love u

[golden-van-fleet]

Your Song

Summary: Gwilym has loved you for a long time and will continue to.

Word Count: ~2.2k

A/N: Hi! I needed to write about Gwilym. I’m not sure about the format? Also on mobile for this one. Enjoy!

It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside

I’m not one of those who can easily hide

Despite Gwilym being an actor, his fatal flaw was his inability to hide what was on his mind. The entire world knew how he felt about you, except for, well, you. It made his stomach turn, to see you with a man that wasn’t him, holding his hand, kissing his cheek, calling him “babe”. He hoped, wished, and prayed desperately to be that man.

I don’t have much money, but boy if I did

I’d buy a big house where we both could live

He knew you wanted a big house in the countryside. It’d been your dream for as long as either of you could remember. In fact, it was the first thing he bought with his paycheck from Bohemian Rhapsody. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t dream of the two of you living there like Allie and Noah in The Notebook. He didn’t want to buy your love, per se, but if he could afford what you wanted, he wanted to be able to spoil you. For only being your best friend, he treated you a hell of a lot better than that boyfriend of yours ever could. Any of them, really.

And it wasn’t lost on you. You’d lost a couple boyfriends because they felt they couldn’t compete with Gwilym, and they couldn’t. Gwilym was over the top for you and only for you. When he bought the house, you were stunned. He constantly had you over, one of the guest rooms unofficially becoming your room. You’d been by his side before the fame and the fortune, it was only fair in his eyes that you were still there after it.

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no

Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show

I know it’s not much but it’s the best I can do

My gift is my song and this one’s for you

Every performance he did as Brian May was with you in mind. Gwilym was willing to go to the ends of the earth to prove that he was worthy of your love, to prove to you that he was the one you needed. He knew, rationally, you never needed a man to be happy or to succeed. He also knew, selfishly, that he was the one for you. This was a man willing to bend over backwards for you at any given moment, knowing you would do the same.

And you can tell everybody that this is your song

It may be quite simple but now that it’s done

I hope you don’t mind,

I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world

The day you met was a day he’d never forget. Your eyes piercing back into his own, a stare that sent a delicious shiver down his spine. It wasn’t a malicious stare, it was one of amusement. You were working at a local coffee shop while finishing your bachelor’s degree around the same time Gwilym began filming one of many up and coming projects. He’d come in with an agenda, a man on a mission, but when his eyes met yours, he babbled like an infant. You were so kind, you didn’t make fun of him, you smiled a little and let him compose himself.

Ever since that day, he made a point to visit you at work, seated at one of the tables in the corner as long as he could be without disturbing you, your coworkers, or the other patrons. You found it sweet, and your heart ached to get to know him.

So you did. He’d been to your apartment more times than the members of your family had over the course of the next year. It was around that year mark Gwilym realized he couldn’t live without you. It was also around the time you’d started your string of terrible boyfriends.

Gwilym couldn’t thank you enough for changing his quality of life. You breathed a life into everything that he’d never been able to find. Life by your side was beautiful. You never let him dwell on the bad, and as hard as it could be to find the good sometimes, he always tried. If not for his sake, then for yours.

I sat on the roof, and kicked off the moss

Well, a few of the verses, well they’ve got me quite cross

He had to tell you. He couldn’t say it to your face, but he couldn’t not say it to your face. He wrote letter after letter, page after page, hoping that something, anything would encapsulate his feelings about you. Late night after late night, he failed to document exactly what he wanted to say. He didn’t want to plan out what he wanted to say, but he needed it to be everything he’d had on his mind for years.

When you showed up at his door during one of those late nights, he told himself as soon as he opened the door he’d tell you. What he didn’t expect was to see you sobbing, throwing yourself at him. He caught you before you could hit the floor, catching a glimpse of you before you buried your face into his shoulder. Your eyes were puffy and swollen with tears, your face red and stained with tear tracks. It absolutely broke his heart.

“He broke up with me,” you whimpered. “Almost two years, I thought I was going to marry this man, and then suddenly I’m not good enough?”

But if only you knew how good enough you were. Gwilym saw the sun rise and set within you. You were the very center of his universe. He couldn’t tell you now, you’d just had your heart broken. He could try, in vain, to tell you how wonderful he found you and about the total joy you brought to his life, but his dark secret would have to wait a little longer.

You climbed out onto the roof outside the guest room window, the full moon hanging bright above your head. There was a gentle, almost imperceptible breeze floating through the summer night. This was your favorite part of the house. It was your hideaway, wrapped around the back of the house with a full view of the river in the background. It felt as though time stood still when you were there. You found yourself lost in the peacefulness of it all until Gwilym squeezed himself through the window frame to sit with you.

“He thought you and I had something going on on the side. I told him that you were my best friend, that you always would be, that without you there is no me. And he was jealous.” You sniffled, the tears of sadness now transformed to tears of resentment. “But maybe he had a reason to be jealous. You’re all I need in my life.”

Gwilym was nothing short of stunned. That was the first time in his life that he was utterly lost for words.

“I- I can’t be your rebound, Y/N. I’ve loved you for far too long to let myself be who builds you up for someone else to tear back down. You mean too much to me for that.” He felt a tear slip down his cheek. His heart was on the line. As much as he wanted to be with you immediately, to hold you in his arms and never let go, he couldn’t. Not right now.

“I’m not saying I want to jump from him to you. But I did a lot of thinking on the drive over here. You’ve always been there for me. You’ve been this support, this rock, and I can’t help but feel I’ve taken it for granted. And for that, I’m so sorry. I know the way you look at me when I’m not looking because I look at you the same way. I always have. And maybe I was too afraid of ruining what we had built up so beautifully. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but they were laying bricks every hour, and that’s what we did. We’re still doing it. So if you’ll let me, I’d like to keep building it, I want to know that it’s not going to go away after tonight.”

He forced himself to look at you, your eyes burning with unshed tears. It would never go away. It couldn’t.

But the sun’s been quite kind while I wrote this song

It’s for people like you that keep it turned on

Over the course of the following months, your relationship bloomed into the blossom it was destined to be. The dark cloud that hung over Gwilym’s head had finally given way to the warm rays of the sun, and he embraced them fully. Loving you was diving head first into a pool that had no bottom. There was always a new depth to be reached, and when he thought he’d reached his capacity, there was always more.

You noticed the change, welcomed it, and encouraged it. Gwilym was finally back to the man he was when you first met. The man that you thought you were going to fall in love with. However, you’d hung that up when he brought over one of his girlfriends, unannounced, to your flat the night you were going to tell him how you felt. It crushed you, but you couldn’t tell him that. To know that now, it wouldn’t happen again, he was yours? It was heaven in and of itself.

So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do

You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue

Anyway the thing is what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

He had to ask you to marry him. He made up his mind before the two of you had even been together six months. It took half a lifetime, or so he thought, to get with you in the first place. Hell, you’d moved in together after two months together, what difference would it make?

He found himself in the same position he was years and years prior, back in that tiny coffee shop. Your eyes were focused intently on his, your smile kind and your hand relaxed in his. Gwilym was in his element, at home, alone, with you. And there, in the comfort of your shared bed, he was going to ask you to be his wife, and he couldn’t choke the words out. All he could do was present you with the ring first.

“Marry me. Please,” he added, softening what sounded like a demand.

“Easily,” you smiled, pulling his face towards yours and locking your lips into a breathless kiss. “I would marry you a million times over.”

He found himself in the same predicament when it came to your vows.

“I’m not usually one to forget what I’m saying before I say it, but you look so beautiful I can’t help myself,” he began, chuckling as he bashfully wiped away a tear. “I had this whole thing planned about how you were the one for me and I knew from the moment I met you, but even to this day you render me speechless. So forgive me if I cut this a bit short, but I’d really love to call you my wife sooner rather than later.”

And you can tell everybody this is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it's done

I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world

When your daughter was born with your bright, beautiful eyes, Gwilym cried more than he ever thought he would. He was so gentle with her, so gentle with you… You couldn’t love him more if you tried.

Despite having your eyes, your daughter was Gwilym’s clone. She had her father wrapped around her tiny little finger from the first cry she let out the day she was born. Gwilym immediately switched into protective dad mode, refusing to let her go without a fight. Unless she was going to you, of course. But even that took a little convincing.

One night, about three weeks after she was born, Gwilym got up in the middle of the night to tend to her. He took the wailing newborn out of her bassinet in your bedroom to the rocking chair in what would be her nursery.

“Alright, love, it’s okay.” He’d done everything he could think of to soothe her and nothing was working, and the last thing he wanted to do was wake you. He unbuttoned the front of her onesie, placing the newborn over his heart. He’d been told to try skin to skin bonding whenever he could, and by some miracle, it calmed her down.

Gwilym didn’t realize he was humming until he started to sing lyrics to a song he didn’t realize he knew.

I hope you don't mind,

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words

How wonderful life is while you're in the world

Your song had had its share of wrong notes and tweaked lyrics. It conveyed a full spectrum of emotions, highlighting the ups and the downs that came with life and love. Your song was unique, and Gwilym was blessed to share it with you.

[i4z-0892-il]

Monster House 2

Summary: Posing as Newlyweds Sam and Y/n set out to investigate what’s killing the visitors of a secluded Inn, and attempt to keep their working relationship professional.

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Word count: 4000

Warnings: NSFW, 18+ Only, some smut mentioned, language

A/N:  This story is going to be Trope central so buckle in babes.

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Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Unpacking was quick, and quiet. Though with Sam silences weren’t particularly unsettling. There were hundreds of occasions where it was just the two of you left alone with a bottle of whiskey and a mountain of lore to sift through. You never felt like you had to make small talk to fill in the gaps, you never really felt like there were any gaps and when the chats did come up they flowed naturally and without expectation. Being with Sam was just comfortable, he was easy to exist beside. Which made him easy to fall for, easy to love.

Dean was always open about his designs toward you. More often than not you figured he was being facetious, but he hit on you frequently enough that it was obvious he’d go for it if only you’d ask.  Sam on the other hand was always respectful, even when he had full opportunity not to be. Last year he’d found a particularly exciting tidbit of information that apparently couldn’t wait to be shared. So he walked into your room without knocking, when you’d just stepped out of the shower- hair wrapped in a towel and nothing else. You screamed at him in surprise, hitting the floor behind the bed to hide your bare ass. It took only a split second to register and he turned away just as quickly, face red as a tomato as he covered his eyes, calling: “Sorry! I should have knocked! Sorry!” He left and never brought it up again. But for the rest of the day he couldn’t look you in the eye without red creeping into his cheeks, and you couldn’t help but grin a little. From then on out he made doubly sure that he knocked before entering whatever room you were lodged in. If he didn’t hear a response he’d just wait, patiently, and knock again.

Though you’d never barged in on him, you were guilty of sneaking peeks at him where you could. You liked watching him, he was strong, and tall, and elegant. It wasn’t as if watching him hang his giant shirts was anything particularly invigorating. Still you enjoyed the view. His shoulder to waist ratio alone was enough to drive you crazy. And you’d seen him without a shirt on, you knew what was hidden under layers of canvas, plaid and cotton. A golden expanse of taut rolling muscle, all firm and warm and inviting. You were practically dripping at the thought of running your fingers through the soft hair on his chest.

Sam turned his head in your direction and you snapped your eyes back to your bag as if it were the most interesting thing in the entire world. Oh shoes, fucking fascinating. Socks, amazing. Underwear, such nice material! You’d deny it if you were asked, but you packed your nicest panties. Not that you had much in the way of lingerie, but like everyone you had the ones you wore on your period, the ones you wore any random day, and then you had the nice ones. The ones you wore when you wanted to feel sexier, the ones you wore when you were trying to get lucky or show off a little.

He could have sworn he’d caught you looking at him, but brushed it off as wishful thinking. Taking your preoccupation as a moment for himself to gaze at you and appreciate the curve of your ass when you bent at the hips to carelessly shove your bag under the bed. Strong thighs and shapely legs, the kind he’d like more if they were draped over his shoulders.

Dropping into the bed with a sigh you rolled to your back allowing yourself to sink into the bed that was almost too soft, too fluffy, too comfortable. It was a complete change from the norm, where you weren’t sure if the sheets were actually washed, and the bed was so hard the floor was a more comfortable option. But you were not one to complain about the tiny offerings of luxury your life occasionally offered. Wiggling your hips you settled in with a pleasured groan and let your eyes fall shut, only for a moment, to appreciate the most comfortable bed you’d ever get the chance to sleep in.

Sam watched you enjoy yourself with a grin. When the soft moan escaped your throat he found himself trying not to think about the sounds you make as your fingers gripped the blankets or nails raked red welts down his back. Or your teeth sinking into a pillow to stifle the pornographic cries that would fall from your lips. The way your hips would move and roll in tandem with his until all you could do was hold on as he fucked you into that bed and fell apart beneath him. He would make you forget how to speak, the only thing you’d be able to scream would be his name and a flurry of barely intelligible curse words in desperation. “Sam..! Uuuhhn-fuck, Sam!”

“Sam!” You shouted as you smacked him in the arm jerking his attention back to Earth as he turned to look at you, upright on your knees still in the bed. Surprise and embarrassment written on his face, cheeks flushed pink. “Did you hear a word I said?”

“Hmm? What? Uh-yeah.. Of course.” He scoffed and stumbled through his words as he sank into the edge of the bed beside you, crumpling the large plaid shirt in his hands into a ball in his lap to hide his frustration. Cocking your brow in amused confusion at his uncharacteristic fluster you handed him a nicely laminated printed card.

“What were you thinking about?” You quizzed. There was no price too high that you would pay to sneak a peek into his head. It wasn’t terribly often that you’d catch Sam spacing out, he was always pointed and focused. Even if you couldn’t tell exactly what was rolling around in his mind you could guess, and 90% of the time it had something to do with whatever crisis was being dealt with at the time. On occasion though you’d see him like he just was, obviously off in la-la-land somewhere, and those were the times you wanted desperately to know what he was thinking.

“Nothing.” He defended a little too quickly as he snatched the card from your hand ready to change the subject to literally anything else. There was no force on this Earth that would get him to admit the perverse things he thought about you- let alone to your face. The idea of how your expression would change to uncomfortable disgust at the notion made him cringe. He was looking at the card but couldn’t tell you what a single word said. “What did you say?”

“I knew you weren’t paying attention!” You affirmed your accusation poking your index finger into his rib. Tapping the card in his hand you continued. “Firstly, I don’t know how to tell you this, because I don’t want to break your heart or anything but- no wi-fi. Secondly, look at this itinerary! You don’t actually expect me to do this tonight do you?”

No wi-fi would be a problem, that meant limited research. It was to be expected though, the place was set so remotely he didn’t think there would be much signal of any kind, so he didn’t show up naked entirely. He brought his Dad’s journal, and a few other books, and he’d had quite the collection scanned and loaded on his computer. Hopefully whatever it was they ran into would be somewhere in the materials he brought. If not, you’d be taking a trip to the city for internet access. Skimming over the card to follow what you meant he let out a snicker.

“This is what you’re worried about?” Sam asked flatly as he held the card up. You gave an exaggerated shrug, not sure what was so unclear about what you were saying. “A cooking class? Really Y/n?”

“What, Sam? I don’t cook! I can burn water.” You stated matter-of-factly. It wasn’t true necessarily, you’d never burnt water, but you’d also never successfully cooked anything in the way it was actually supposed to be cooked. It wasn’t like it was your fault! Everything you ate was microwavable. Besides the fact that you hadn’t grown up around a functioning kitchen. Frankly cooking was the least of your worries. You were basically a human garbage disposal anyway. As long as it was cooked all the way through, and at least mildly edible you were good. Carbs were carbs. Calories were calories. No one was expecting you to be a gourmet chef when you were regularly covered in monster viscera.

Sam gave a soft laugh shaking his head and turning to look at you as he nudged you with his shoulder giving you a sweet smile. Those dimples. God, you could have drowned in them.

“Y/n, I have the utmost faith in you. You can attend this stupid cooking class and you’ll kick it in the ass.”

“You’re sweet. But you’ve never tasted my cooking.”

“Hey, no matter how terrible it turns out, I promise I will lie and say it is delicious.” Sam reassured you with a grin. You smiled back in mock offense and shoved his shoulder as you plucked the card from his hands, and stood.

“Wow, Sam. Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Anytime.” He snarked watching you start to pace, your eyes glued to the text.

“I mean look at this crap- is this really what normal couples do for fun?” You paused dropping your hands to your sides. He only answered with a shrug, neither of you exactly had much to compare with. You turned your attention back to the card and continued. “Wine tasting.”

“What’s wrong with Wine tasting?”

“Who drinks wine? Rich people, Depressed Mom’s and Lonely Single Women- that’s who.”

“I like wine.” He defended. Your face twisted in skepticism.

“I have never seen you with a glass of wine before. Whiskey, Bourbon and Scotch- sure. But Wine? C’mon Sam.” You didn’t wait for him to answer as you continued to the next item.  “Dancing on Thursday. Do you dance, Sam? Because I don’t dance.”

“Now- that’s not entirely true.” He interjected with a suggestive grin. He’d seen you dance before, a few times. Usually after a few shots, and with some lucky local you’d pick up for the night. Sober you may not dance, but drunk you certainly knew how to move those hips. Heat crept into your cheeks and you moved on, not even wanting to dignify his comment with a response.

“Friday night Movie night. They have a movie night.”

“Hey, I’m not exactly excited either, but it can’t be all that bad.” Sam offered. Half trying to convince himself. From the flat side-eye he earned it was apparent there was no thrill to be had on your part.

“I mean you’d think there’d be stuff on here like hiking, or yoga, or a couples spa.” You huffed and dropped the card on the table beside the bed. “Can we just… go wander around and scope the place out instead?” You asked, you could think of a thousand things you’d rather be doing than attending some stupid cooking class. Just about anything sounded like a less painful option. You’d rather be bound and gagged by something trying to eat you than have to figure out what the fuck a Souffle is.

“I’m sure we’ll be back from checking out the property in plenty of time. If there’s anyone else staying here they’ll probably be there, it’ll be a good chance to talk to some of the others here. See if they’ve heard anything.” Sam reasoned, always logical, and usually right to your displeasure. With a groan you let your chin tilt back and your shoulders slump, a little light bulb going off in your head. Rolling your head up to a tilt you gave him a flirtatious smile. He opened his mouth to speak and you placed your index finger over his lips. They were soft, and warm, and you wondered if he tasted as sweet as his cotton-candy pink mouth looked.

The glimmer in your eyes shifted changing in an instant from your usual sweet and sour demeanor to looking at him through curling lashes sultry and tempting. You hand fell from his lips to curl a long chestnut brown strand of his hair around your finger.

“What if, instead, we skipped it.” Your tone painting a vivid picture. With your cocked brow and devious smile there was no mistaking what you were suggesting. “Said we just couldn’t make it down, because we were... Busy.”

You were supposed to be newlyweds after all, and what was more convincing of a happy, healthy, lovey-dovey relationship than blowing off some bullshit class because you were too busy fucking all night?

Sam swallowed the tension in his throat, if that were an actual option on the table there would have been no need to convince him. Nevertheless he was more than willing to go along with your game, if that’s where you were taking it, two could play. His large hands settled on your hips, warm and heavy, creating gooseflesh through the thin cotton layer of t-shirt. You wanted his hands on you forever. Wanted to burn his fingerprints into your skin like a tattoo. He pulled you in, between his thighs and close enough to feel the heat radiating off of him, his cologne filling your senses. The corner of his lips curling into a smile as he peered at you with those kaleidoscope eyes making you weak in the knees.

“You make a very compelling argument.” His voice smooth like scotch and just as intoxicating. Taking your chin between his thumb and forefinger made your heart skip a beat, or just dead stop. You couldn’t tell, your eyes falling to his lips, nervous anticipation shooting like an electric current through your veins. The slow drag of his thumb over your lower lip made heat pool low in your belly and your breath catch in your throat. He edged closer to you close enough to feel the heat of his breath caress your face. “But we’re still going.”

Then he smiled at you, a shit-eating grin and stood up to finish doing whatever the hell he was doing. His hands dropped away from you leaving you standing there breathless and trying to recollect your wits. Your eyes nearly rolled back into your head in frustration. Folding your arms over your chest you plopped on the bed with a pout, and crossed your legs tightly trying to ease the pressure that had built.

“That was a nice moment Sam. That was a nice moment, and you ruined it. I hope you’re proud of yourself.” You snarked, and by the grin still plastered on his face- he was.

Standing at the top of the long gravel drive you held a map open in front of you, Sam right behind you and able to see clear over your head without issue. Little red dots stippled the map and at the very center of them sat the Inn. Reaching a long arm around you he pointed at one of the markers.

“Alright, so that’s where the last vic was found.”

“Correction- that’s where parts of the last vic were found.” You interjected, his lips pressed into an unamused line as he looked around the property, extending an arm to the left of the driveway and into the thick of the woods.

“Right, parts. Whatever, that’s about a mile that way…”

“Every bit of remains they’ve found have been at least a mile from here. They’re not exactly grouped in one area either. Look at this, they’ve been found just about everywhere. This is a really wide net we’re trying to cast here Sam.” You expressed at the spattering of red dots all over the place. Some further out, some closer in, and everywhere.

“Right, so we go to the freshest spot and hope we get lucky.”

“Great plan and all, except the remains at that location were two months old when they were found. I sincerely doubt that whatever’s out there is going to be there still. Especially with Police in and out of there for the last couple weeks.” You said. Sam paused hazel eyes scanning the treeline as he absorbed the information you were giving him with a nod.

“Guess we’re just gonna have to pick a direction.”

“Okay.” You agreed, folding up the map and stuffing it into the pocket on the inside of your coat, cinching the button at your waist. “Which way you wanna gamble on?”

“Hold on- let me see that map again.” He asked, absentmindedly. You sucked your teeth digging back into your coat to retrieve it. “Isn’t there a lake around here?”

“Yeah, not just one though, there’s several in the surrounding three miles.” You answered unfolding the paper again, and handing it to him to study.

Looking down the winding gravel road and into the mist that seemed to breathe between a trees a chill slid up your spine. You always got antsy before hunts. Couldn’t help it. Didn’t matter what you faced or how many times, it always gave you the jitters. Even after all these years you still got scared. You would never admit it of course, and you’d mastered the poker face to keep it under wraps. But there was honestly no way for you to truly prepare yourself for whatever was out there, not when a single slip up could mean the end. Each new hunt, even with a foe you were familiar with was still jarring and nerve-wracking. It would always be until you either died or didn’t hunt anymore.

“Going for a hike?” The woman’s voice from behind you made you jump nearly out of your skin with a gasp. Hand on your chest you turned around wide eyed to see Esmeralda standing there with perfect black curls surrounding her perfectly cut face, cascading down her perfectly petite shoulders. She wasn’t asking you of course, her eyes fixed on Sam who folded up the map and tucked it in his back pocket as he turned his head to face her.

“Uh, yeah. Thinking about it.” He answered, she gave him a smile, a perfect smile, with straight white teeth and full pouty lips. She was so pretty you kind of hated her for it. Like, damn lady, we get it, you won the genetic jackpot, you don’t have to rub it in by existing and breathing air.

“Well there are a few trails if you follow the drive down to the main road. Though some of them can be a little hard to navigate if you don’t know where you’re going.”  Esmeralda explained. God, even her voice was perfect and sexy. You could have groaned, or rolled your eyes- you didn’t because you didn’t make a habit of being rude, not that it would have mattered anyway. She wasn’t paying attention to you in the slightest, you could have been a sentient tree and it wouldn’t have made a lick of difference. No, instead she was focused completely on Sam, placing a delicate little hand over his bicep as she pointed around the property. Because groping him was obviously necessary for giving directions. Her fingers were so long and elegant and slender you imagined they’d snap like toothpicks with the proper amount of pressure. “If you’re looking to sight-see, the paths to the North West behind the Inn take you further up the Mountain with plenty of breathtaking views.”

“Actually we’re thinking about checking out some of the lakes.” Sam replied. She smiled at him as if it was the most novel idea she’d ever heard while giving his arm as squeeze.

We get it! He’s jacked. Back off lady. You thought, gnawing on the inside of your lip, just waiting for the whole conversation to be over already. Would it be appropriate to bust up the party a little? You were, after all, supposed to be his wife for all she knew. But you didn’t want to come off as possessive, or jealous. Even though you were and it was absolutely killing you! You resolved to just crossing an arm over your chest and chewing on your thumbnail as if it were going to help you keep your composure in some way.

“To the West is Spider Lake, it’s further into the woods and up the mountain, Spider Creek feeds into it, it’s lovely up there. And to the South East about a mile and a half is Lake Kulla Kulla. It’s a wonderful spot for fishing I hear- if that’s something you enjoy..”

“Thanks, Esmeralda.” Sam replied.

“You’re most welcome Mr. Wesson. Do be careful not to stray too far from the paths, people get lost in these woods easily.” She cautioned. Her voice oozed over ‘Mr. Wesson’ as if she could have sex with the words. Her hand was still glued to his arm like a fucking magnet.“Oh and you will be back in time for tonight's activity won’t you? I’d hate for you to miss out on all of the fun.”

“Yeah, yeah, we plan on being there.” Sam assured with a smile as he stepped back detaching from her grasp and wrapped an arm around your shoulders. Your arms fell around his waist instantly as you leaned into him.

“We are just so excited.” You lied enthusiastically as you brought your right hand to his chest resting over his heart, making sure the little rock on your finger was near impossible to miss. Her icy green eyes cut to you with a look of pure distaste. You recoiled stunned and more than a little put off- if looks could kill. It was brief, nothing more than a flicker before she gave another radiant smile, but you caught it.

“Wonderful, we’ll see you when you return. Enjoy your hike.” Esmeralda said before heading back to the Inn. Sam turned his attention back to the map but you watched her sashay until she disappeared inside.

“The fuck was her problem?” You scoffed Sam turned his eyes to you curiously with a furrowed brow.

“What?”

“You didn’t see that?” You asked jutting your thumb behind you.

“See what?”

“You didn’t see the look she gave me?”

“No?”

“Well she looked at me like I spat on her, or pushed her Grandma down the stairs for funsies…” Or like she was pissed that the hulking Adonis in front of her was spoken for. Not that it seemed to matter to her much. Sam chuckled in response, studying your body language as you shifted your weight from one foot to the other, chewing on your fingernail in nervous frustration, eyes like daggers on the front door of the Inn. If he didn’t know any better he might have mistaken that look on your face for jealousy. But you were always a little on edge before a hunt- you’d never admit it, but he knew.

You were pretty good at covering, but he’d known you too long not to pick up on the buzzing nervous energy coming off of you in waves. It never ceased to amuse him though. You were fearless, if there was ever hesitation about going into a situation you wouldn’t wait for a game of rock-paper-scissors, you’d just go in. He figured you did it because you either liked embarrassing them a little that you’d go in before either of them, or out of the need to show yourself that you weren’t afraid. Either way your courage in the face of your own palpable anxiety was endearing, and something he admired about you.

“What do you think- start with Spider Lake?” He asked. You answered with an agreeable shrug.

“Monster’s gotta have a watering hole right?”

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[fredheads]

my very long list of fred & gladys headcanons

gladys did fred's makeup a lot! the only thing he did by himself was eyeliner (whenever it didnt look like a mess for once it was because gladys did it for him) but she would beat his whole face for him, sparkly eyeshadow included, and it made him so happy. 

gladys very rarely wore pink but she kept pink eyeshadow and pink nail polish in her makeup kit because fred liked to borrow it 

gladys made a lot of dads nervous but artie actually really liked her - probably because she always made him laugh! he thought she was great and fred was actually jealous of how easily they seemed to get along. 

they had so many sleepovers at gladys' house where they'd just lay on her mattress on the floor at the end of the night and put in a VHS and without fail one of them (usually fred) would fall asleep before the opening credits were over but it was the most enjoyable part of their night and theyd sleep side by side with their arms touching and the tv still on

gladys borrowed so many pairs of fred's plaid pyjama pants during these occasions that he stopped asking for them back .. they were very much comfy clothes friends they were always spending whole days in sweatpants and slept-in tshirts together 

they loved going to thrift stores and finding the weirdest shit they could... and sometimes theyd go back later and buy something that made them laugh and give it to one another for a birthday gift 

fred and gladys had a list of inside jokes longer than anything.. obviously fp was in on most of them and they had in-jokes with most of their friends but fred and gladys especially were that pair where one of them could say a word with a certain inflection and the other would bust up laughing over something that happened a month ago. 

both of them knew they were never going to college- gladys bc she didnt finish high school, fred because of artie, but they used to like to talk about how cool it would be if they went to the same college and were roomates and all the stuff they'd get up to

once they made up a whole plan where they were going to move to san francisco or new york and be a drag queen/drag king duo they even made up stage names and started choreographing their show

gladys found herself comforting fred many a time while he cried about some girl in their class that he'd decided was the one and then it didnt work out. even though it got repetitive she always treated it seriously and reassured fred that everything would work out in the end. if they really hurt his feelings she'd offer to seduce them and then break their hearts but fred never took her up on it. 

they both loved women so much... they loved talking about girls together

gladys helped write 80% of the fredheads songs and was the only reason they weren't terrible.. she's also the one who got fred hooked on joan jett. obviously. 

she once insisted fred go to a professional when he wanted yet another ear piercing and probably saved the andrews hundreds of dollars in hospital bills because fred was always getting whopping ear infections from alice shoving needles through his head

they're very tactile friends! always offering back rubs and hugs and kisses and hair combing. they were that male-female friendship in school that everyone was like "you'll fall for each other someday!" but really they were just gay... well bi in this case both of em but still..... you all know how this goes im sure. 

they always experiment with their hair together! gladys has given fred some awful haircuts and hes dyed her hair some weird colours but they always roll with it. 

they always stuck up for one another at school and neither was afraid to start a fight (gladys was the only one likely to win, however)

gladys actually taught fred how to punch after she watched him almost shatter his hand on some bullies in grade nine.. her dad taught her how to do it the right way so she passed it on :") fred decking hiram was all her doing

they both mocked hiram relentlessly... it was their thing

they went to mcdonalds drunk all the time... and often they walked through the drive-through or went through on fred's bicycle with gladys riding on the handlebars. they were dum dums. 

they tried going trick or treating together when they were both WAY too old

fred had a job at the movie theatre for about three weeks one summer (he got fired after he tried to work a shift and also have 2 dates at the same time... dont ask. also an incident with the slushie machine.) and would always sneak gladys in for free. they also liked to sneak into the projector room at the drive in when fp was working 

fred hated the smell of cigarettes and hated them double after artie died so gladys was always very good about opening windows and not smoking right in front of him but she also lent him a bunch that he could hold unlit and look cool and took pictures of him with them 

gladys took a lot of pictures!! she had a polaroid and she and fred were always goofing off with it and they both had stacks and stacks of them. fred paid for film. 

they both had big appetites (though not as big as fp) and loved to share a huge messy platter of pops biggest breakfast. fp, usually sitting across from them, could eat one all on his own. 

fred was always admiring gladys' rings and she lent them to him a lot.

he was the first person she showed her nipple piercings to... he wasnt expecting her to pull up her shirt first thing he was shook. 

they both love doing dumb roughousing  and theyre always trying to do weird gymnastics lifts and stuff with each other for no reason or theyre initiating arm wresling or playing "the floor is lava" while whoever else is in the room is just trying to watch the movie... theyre so dumb i love them

gladys has to go easy on fred with arm wrestling because his arms are so skinny... she calls him noodle. but affectionately. oH SHE HAS SO MANY NICKNAMES FOR HIM.... 

they're both impulsive hot-headed dummies in different ways so they take turns being the voice of reason... very often fred will have to talk gladys down and keep her out of trouble and then later gladys will be the one trying to keep fred from doing some dumb shit.. its a partnership. 

she's probably the only girl in fred's life that he hasn't felt any kind of romantic inclination toward which is weird for everyone and he's always getting asked if they kissed yet (for the record they did once... but it wasnt fred's idea. i think briana told me once gladys just walked up to fred at a party and kissed him to see what all the fuss was about and then said "not bad" and walked away amen bless.) 

[ecoamerica]

Watch the 2024 American Climate Leadership Awards for High School Students now: https://youtu.be/5C-bb9PoRLc

The recording is now available on ecoAmerica's YouTube channel for viewers to be inspired by student climate leaders! Join Aishah-Nyeta Brown & Jerome Foster II and be inspired by student climate leaders as we recognize the High School Student finalists. Watch now to find out which student received the $25,000 grand prize and top recognition!

[seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana]

SE MCs background chapter 9: First Love

This is probably gonna be short?? Idk. But anyway after this chapter I will be writing a little short, not rlly a chapter, story or whatever about their childhood memories to show some sweet sibling love and stuff! Those memories will be related to throughout the story so I just decided to make a whole little story (?) about them or something. Anyway enjoy! Also, the way a person in here meets Sarah is so cliche but whatever-

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“Sarah! It’s time to get up!” I opened my eyes and instantly felt too tired to move. It was Monday and 8 am. No one deserves to be awaken at this time. Especially me, a person who only gets like 4 hours of sleep a night. However, it had to be done. I was in college and I had to get used to waking up early on Mondays. But at least I get over with all of my classes at 3 PM! It’s like regular school, but the classes are so harder, but it’s to be expected of a college. I was studying to become a teacher. I loved little kids and wanted to teach them. It didn’t matter what it was, I just wanted to teach them. So, it’s why I was learning to become an elementary teacher. Sepcifically, a 3rd grade teacher, or anything below that. I’d rather deal with little children and not children who are going through a lot of emotions (5th graders). I could barely handle my emotions at that age, so dealing with maybe 20+ kids? Nope, nada, no.

I groaned and decided to get up and get dressed. I wore a black dress with black leggings. It was hot, so probably a bad decision, but I didn’t care. I always make bad decisions. I walk down the stairs and into the kitchen to see everyone up. I must’ve been the last one. “You’re 24, when are you going to get up by yourself?” Alexandra said to me, with a little smirk on her face. She’s the eldest and has always been the best. Well, in my eyes, she was the best. Sure she had her flaws, but she kept us in line and loved us all. I stuck my tongue out at her and grabbed a cup and poured myself some orange juice. “Whenever I start sleeping better,” I told her. Her eyes got soft and worried. “Well, have you been taking that medicine?” I looked away and shook my head. “It doesn’t work. 5 mg of melatonin isn’t working. Maybe I need to up it a little bit more?” “Maybe you’re just not trying hard enough,” I heard someone say behind me.

I turned around and noticed Zed sitting there, eating his waffles like he did every day. He loved waffles. I was more of a pancake gal, but whatever. I stuck my tongue out at him, like I did to my sister. “Hey, I do try. I just...suck at sleeping.” Zed made a hum sound and continued to eat. I sat down next to him and Alexandra and drank my orange juice peacefully. “You going to eat? You have to eat so your stomach won’t hurt with your medicine.” I have ADD and I take medicine for it. However, my stomach hurts if I don’t eat anything. I shrugged. “I’ll get something on campus.” Alexandra didn’t like that answer.

“Eat. Now. I don’t want you to be distracted by your stomach,” she said in a harsh tone, but I knew she was concerned under everything. I rolled my eyes in a playful way and got a croissant biscuit thing I could heat up in the microwave. I decided to be a bit greedy and got two. My stomach would thank me later. I heated everything up, ate it, and got my backpack and stuff ready for my class. “Where is everyone else?” “Mom and dad are at work, Jacob is sleeping in since his classes start later, and Christopher is doing the same thing.” Lucky. I wish I could sleep in. “Okay. Well I’ll see y’all when I get home.” Zed and Alexandra both wished me a good day and I walked out the door.

I got into my car and it was so hot. The summer heat is terrible these days. I turned the air conditioner on and began to drive to my college. I got there with 10 minutes to get to my class. I grabbed my backpack and ran to my class. I was in the building and was close to my class when I ran into someone. We both ended up falling to the ground. The person was carrying books but now they were all over the floor. Luckily, my backpack was closed. I looked up at noticed a guy with blonde hair. He had pink eyes but with a dazed look on his face. “Ah, I’m so sorry! I was just rushing,” I told him as I helped him up and handed him his books. He took the books from me and had a soft smile on his face. Now that I looked closer, he did look pretty handsome. From the books he had, I could tell he was studying about welding, or something to do with cars.

“It’s okay! I can see that you’re rushing,” he said with a smile. Man this guy seemed really nice already. I smiled back and started to run off again. “Sorry! I hope we can talk more soon!” I yelled as I ran through the halls towards my class. I sat down in my chair in my class right before the late bell rang. I sighed and class began. I couldn’t help but think about that boy throughout class. I don’t know why he stuck with me, but he did. I payed attention and before I knew it, class was over. I had no more classes that day, which was my lucky day. I began to walk down the hallways to get back to the parking lot. This time I had no rush and I looked around the hallways. There were different rooms and other hallways.

I eventually passed the cafeteria and I saw that boy once again. He was talking with another boy and he seemed very shy, or anxious, I have a hard time reading people. I shrugged it off and continued my walk to my car. However, the boy must’ve noticed me because I heard someone shout “Sarah!” I turned around and saw that boy jogging up to me. I smiled and waved at him. “Hey,” I said a little bit shyly. He smiled and introduced himself. His name was Oliver. He was my age too, that was nice. I looked into his eyes as me and him talked for awhile. He seemed like a nice guy, so we sat down and continued to talk. I noticed that his eyes glowed once. His pink eyes getting a bit pinker and brighter. It was weird and I shook my head.

My mind must be going crazy. However, I felt the need to be closer to him, to know him better. It was weird. I never usually get this close to people this fast. I just...felt this urge to want to be with him. Maybe love at first sight? Who knows. I’ve never really believed in it, but maybe it is real? I just continued talking to him.

As the days went on, I began thinking a bit more about it, I even got his phone number so we could chat from time to time. He asked me to hang out a few times and we had a blast. Alexandra and Jacob would always give the usual “if he hurts you, I’ll kill him,” speech. They did it to everyone in this family. Alexandra would do it to Jacob if he had a date, Jacob would do it to Alexandra, they would both do it to me and Christopher, and it was all a mess. But it made me feel happy. It showed me that they actually cared for me. I usually doubted if I was worth caring for. But they made me feel worth it, so my self esteem was rising slowly. Not getting too high, but I began to feel a bit better about myself.

One day I was playing my violin in the orchestra room of my college. I wasnt going to school to teach music, but it would be interesting if I did. Maybe I’d go back to school one day and learn more about music so I can teach kids about it. However, I still loved playing my violin and playing new songs. It kept me at peace and helped me relax from a hard day. The sounds it can make and how soft or loud it can be makes me calm. Ive played since I was in 6th grade, so I’ve been playing for a long time. I still have to write the letters underneath the notes, but that doesn’t matter. I was playing my 2nd time through “This is Halloween” on my violin, when I heard a knock at the door. The door was open so I turned around and saw Oliver leaning against the door.

“Sorry to interrupt,” he said with a smile. My heart did a little leap. I put my bow on a stand but didn’t put down my violin. I motioned for him to come closer. “Whatcha playing?” I smiled and blushed. I was happy he was interested into my music. Even if he only asked ‘what are you playing’ it still made me happy. “This is Halloween,” I told him. I picked up my bow and began to play it once more. It’s not because I didn’t want to talk to him, but I did want to show off. Maybe impress him a bit. I don’t know when that happened. I just wanted to impress him all the time. I ignored my feelings and let my hands do the work. The bow would go down slowly, then faster, then fast but soft at the same time, and I loved it. I occasionally looked over at Oliver and saw him watching me. I blushed a bit and messed up but kept going. That was almost the number one rule in playing. If you mess up, keep going. If you’re in a big orchestra group, wait until you know where you are in the music and start playing again.

I finish the song and he starts to applaud me softly. I smile and take a bow. We both laughed and he just smiled. “What?” I said while smiling back at him with a blush on my face. “Oh nothing. It’s just. You look so beautiful when you play the violin. You put your heart into it, and it’s amazing.” I was caught off guard. No one had ever really complimented me about my violin other than my siblings and my parents. It made me feel special. I put my violin down. “Thanks,” I said while taking his hand. His eyes glowed and I felt heat rise into my body. Before I knew what I did, I leaned in and kissed him. He closed his eyes, as if he wasn’t surprised by my sudden action. He pulled me closer and his body was so warm. It felt amazing.

After a minute or so, he pulled away from me. “Wow,” he said while trying to catch his breath. I laughed. I looked down, feeling a bit embarrassed. I don’t know why I did that, I just felt the need to. I mean, I did feel some feelings for him but I wasn’t sure if they were like that. I guess it doesn’t matter right now, I already did something I can’t take back, and I think I know my feelings. “It’s forward but, do you wanna be something? It’s fine if not, but Id like it if it could happen,” he said while blushing. I think that’s the first time seeing him blush. It was adorable. I nodded and smiled so hard. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a boyfriend. Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve loved anyone else other than my family. I’ve stopped dating for awhile since everyone seemed just not right.

Let’s see how this one goes.

[theangstyauthors]

Chapter 3

Makoto’s POV

I heard a rustling at the door and my nerves raced back to me. Within seconds the door opened to reveal dark purple boots or at least that's the direction I was looking anyway.

"Kirigiri?" I asked to nobody in particular. I really hoped that it wasn't her but then again as long as it wasnt Nagito then I was fine. The only thing that wasn't fine was literally everything else. My face and eyes were bright red from crying and I ended up soaking my sweatshirt in the process to now which it lay on the floor next to me near the tub like a wet towel. I was starting to drench the random t-shirt that I decided to put on today that happened to be light blue was now a dark blue with tears and there's no way I was taking that off. My head rested on my hands that were upright on my knees. I was such a failure. I was just waiting for Kirigiri to say it. Then all of a sudden I heard the heels of her boots get closer until she sat down next to me on the edge of the bathtub. I wouldn't meet her glance, I couldn't, I wouldn't, I shouldn't. I didn't deserve to speak to her. I was just wasting her time. In my peripheral vision I saw her doing something with her glove. It took me a while to realize what was happening until she said something. "You can call me Kyoko you know?" She said quietly as she glanced down at her hands. Only then did I realize that she had taken off her glove and taken my right hand away from my face. Our hands laid intertwined against the cold ledge of the tub. Only then did I meet her glance and she quickly looked away.

"What are you doing in here?" She asked.

"What does it look like?" I muttered into the space that was this room. There was a heavy sad aura as I tried to move my sweatshirt on the floor into an out of sight position. Only then did I realize that it was underneath my foot which made me have to stand up to move. As I did I remembered that my hand was still connected to Kirigiri's which made me end up getting pulled backwards, knocking both of us into the bathtub with a thud. As I opened my eyes I realized that our hands were no longer connected, but our lips. I retracted my face as a shocked look passed between us both before we smiled. The peace was short lived as Kyoko than began to move from her place against the bathtub's wall. I looked down as I was practically almost sitting on her and quickly moved to get off of her. I was stopped quickly in my attempt as I felt a sharp pain on my arm. She had found out. She found out the reason that I never took off my sweatshirt. She had found out what had happened to me. She had found out that everyone at school hated me

"Uh hey Makoto you in here WOAH GUYS COME HERE!" I heard Nagito's stupid voice from the bathroom door. Within seconds everyone had appeared inside *Shuichi's* bathroom. Kirigiri and I could only watch from our awkward position inside this bathtub with sheepish faces as their own faces of shock appeared. They couldn't know what happened. I would never live it down. I quickly tried to think of a way to explain this to them but i was honestly so stuck. I felt like a zoo animal on display that you could take pictures of. I watched as they glanced from me trapping poor Kyoko to the scars that layed on my arms.

"What happened here?" Hajime was starting to sound more and more like a dad every day that I knew him.

"I-I ah fell. I tripped on my sweatshirt and you know the mini river and then I fell on Kirigiri and now were he--"

All of a sudden Kyoko did something that I never thought she would do in front of people she practically just met. I was cut off by her lips again meeting mine and I heard loud gasps fill up the decently small bathroom.

"ITS CANON BOIS ITS CANON!" Nagito's obnoxious screeching was probably the loudest voice you heard in the midst of all the commotion.

"K-K-Kirigiri!" I stuttered. My face resembling that of a rose.I looked up to see a woman addressed as Kirumi smirk at us, and if a smirk could make a noise it was certainly a loud one. Tears still rolled down my face but for some odd reason I felt really happy. I still felt terrible but that melted even for a split second when our lips touched. I don't know what to feel but for now...I'm just going to be happy for everyone.

"I CALLED IT YOU OWE ME 20 BUCKS HAJIME!' Whos voice I expected to hear was Nagito's actually wasn't.

"SHUICHI!" I screamed as I stood up and helped Kyoko up along with me. I quickly put my sweatshirt on luckily without anyone noticing. Nagito had a beaming smile and was practically shaking with happiness. Shuichi and Hajime were apparently dealing with a bet of when me a Kyoko would get together or something like that. Kirumi had disappeared for a while until there was a small knock on the door. All the screaming stopped as she stepped in.

"Everyone please do care to join me in the living room for some group therapy." Kirumi said a small smile never leaving her face. Everyone walked out of the bathroom with Kyoko and I following last which made Kirumi approach us.

"I shall clean and dry your sweatshirt for you Naegi." Kirumi commanded more than suggested. Kyoko and I's eyes met as i pulled off my sweatshirt which was only to be quickly replaced by Kyoko's leather jacket, Its size even bigger than I was. It seemed like we broke all gender roles in this not yet existent relationship. Kirumi then walked away with my sweatshirt in hand.

"Hey Kyoko what's your last name?" I turned to face her after all the commotion and decided to try something that I never thought that I would ever say.

"It's Kirigiri you know this already, what are trying to do?"

"Well what if it wasn't." I tried to say this with a straight face before I started laughing. I had heard my sister raging about that one pick up line to my mom when I was home for winter break.

"Makoto Naegi what has gotten into you!" I saw an almost shadow of a smile on her face. This would be an interesting relationship. "Why are you such an open book you short stack?"

We then made our way into the living room of Shuichi's dorm. Now He would have to third wheel all by himself. I took a breath before fully stepping in. I practically awaited the teasing I was going to get from my friends as I entered the long awaited group therapy.

Nagito laughed "Hey lover-boi, whatcha wearin there?"

I sheepishly smiled hoping that they would just forget what they saw on my arms "Oh just Kirigiri's jacket." I hope they won't talk about it and just forget it. I know we're doing "group therapy" and all but there are some things I'm not going to talk about. I'm not going to talk about being bullied and if they talk about my arms then I will just have to admit it. I guess I'm pretty okay at lying so if I need to I will. It's not like I don't want to cooperate, it's just some things don't need to be talked about. I just don't want to freak them out or have them be mad at me for never telling them. It's been going on for almost a year now so there's no doubt they'd be upset.

"Well let's start off." Kirumi announced as she gestured for everyone to come sit in a circle on the carpet with her. I awkwardly sat down next to Shuichi since I felt like I could relate to him the most currently. He had his head down and was wearing a completely different expression from when he and Hajime were exchanging their bet money. After everyone was settled on the floor Kirumi left with Kyoko following suit. How they did this without words, I have no idea I guess it was just some weird girl language that I couldn't comprehend. All I knew was that it was about to get real awkward in here. Oh lord what should I do?

Kyoko's POV

I ended up following the lady in a black dress into the dorms kitchen. I sensed that it was going to get really awkward so it's probably best if I just let the boys work it out amongst themselves. As I walked around the kitchen helping Kirumi,  many questions flooded through my mind. One of them being how was she so good at her talent? I had heard she was good but how good was she really? Questions like this took my mind off of things that I didn't want to think of. As I was passed a cup by Kirumi those questions flooded my vulnerable thoughts again. Why did I do that? What made me do that? I honestly just want to smash my head on this cup and let the glass go through my skull. I just ruined my reputation and if this gets out no one would look at me the same, especially my father. But most of all I ruined any chance at a friendship with Makoto.

Makoto POV

Well this is the most awkward silence i've ever experienced in my life. No one spoke we all just stared into space. The "fun" we were having before at the bakery almost didn't exist anymore. Was all that for nothing? Did they really hate me that much? After all the risks I took today one more couldn't hurt.

"Are you guys mad at me? Do you hate me?" My voice stopped suddenly as I got choked up on my tears. They were freely flowing down my face as the silence still continued. I got no response. I guess they didn't want to hurt my feelings anymore because they probably still did hate me. They looked like they wanted to say something but instead kept their mouths quiet. It seemed that I was right. I was all alone. Aren't I so lucky? I remained in the living room. My knees digging into the carpet as my shoulders shook as I desperately tried to repress my tears.

Another pov switch to Kyoko (Sorry)

I walked out of the dorms kitchen with Kurimi and I holding round trays with drinks on top of them. This would be my attempt of softening the blow of what we were going to experience the second that we walked into the living room. I thought that leaving for 5 minutes wouldn't have presented me the sight I saw but boy was I wrong. There they all sat still in the circle, all looking in different directions with different levels of distress on each person's face. It ranged from Makoto shaking from where I stood behind him to Shuichi's deadpan expression towards the floor. Then I was motioned to hand out the drinks that rested on our trays. I grabbed the last cup and bent down next to Makoto's shaking form and put an arm around his shoulder. Of course you know who wanted to speak now. Nagito.

"Makoko needs to drink teh hot cocoa!" It seemed that this was able to break the heavy air and earned uneasy laughter from the group. What should I do?

Makoto's POV (I think we are done with the fast switches of POV's now)

I was right. Everything I knew was right, it had to be. I feel like laughing, everything hurts so bad. My surroundings and everyone in them just faded as I sat there alone with my thoughts. I know what I need to do but yet I won't, not for now. Nothing is right, everything I ever knew was a lie. I honestly don't know what I can do right now. I really just want to run away from my so called friends and just be alone. I feel paralyzed as I sit here crying but I'm also trying to hold back my laughter. My emotions are all over the place and I feel like I'm going into hysterics. I failed them, I never wanted to let them know how I was feeling. Now they hate me along with every being and existence in this world. I feel miserable and humiliated

Then all of a sudden Kirumi came back with my sweatshirt in hand as she walked over and handed it to Kyoko who still sat by me even after how I looked in front of everyone. So I may or may not have made a mad dash into the corner after screaming at everyone to "close their eyes or they would no longer be drinking that hot cocoa"

"Woah dude what's your problem?" Hajime asked finally breaking the silence since my panic attack outburst.

"Nothing! Just mind your own hecking business not your average Joes!" I snapped at him finally getting him to turn around. I got my sweatshirt on and tried to calmly walk back over to the circle by my foot may have or may not have made contact with Nagito's head in spite of my full anger.

"Look Makoto, I'm not saying that I fully hate you but if my phone was at at least 50% I would unplug your lifespan to recharge it. Did you know how much joy you gave everyone when you left the room for once in your life!" I would have been offended by Nagito's insult if I wasn't so numb from all the pain. I looked over to see Shuichi nodding his head in agreement at Nagito's comment.

"You just need to calm down Naegi." He started to say but on no I wasn't done I told everyone to stay out.

"You stay out of this it doesn't concern you!" I screamed through the room.

"Face it Makoto we've told you before. You let people walk all over you. You are the reason that they invented double doors to add up to all the times that you fall." As I continued my outburst I heard a loud voice over all the commotion.

"ALRIGHT CHILDREN THAT'S ENOUGH!" Kirumi yelled at us as we continued arguing. "Everyone just sit down and shut up!" We obeyed her and we formed the circle again. I didn't realize how badly that silence affected us until it finally hit me on what I had done.

"I..I'm..sorry.." I started even though I knew that no one wanted to hear my apology. This is the worst I felt in ages. I honestly didn't mean to be rude but I guess I snapped under pressure. Why am I doing this though? Are they even my friends? I was really stupid to think I have friends, so that's a mistake on my part.

"So let's start with Makoto." Kirumi announced. "Who are the people that cause you the most anger in your life?"

"Well why don't I get a list. My sister, my mother, Nagito,  Hajime, did I say Nagito already yet? Um lets see who else, everyone whos ever existed on this stupid earth to begin wit-"

"Ok i'm going to stop you there. You seem like you have a lot of anger." Kirumi tried to reason.

"No crap I do I didn't know we had more than one sherlock in this room." I sassily snapped back.

"Well then how about we try a group exercise?" Kirumi suggested. "How about we all share the secret we won't tell anyone to gain each other trust again after what just happened. Who would like to start?"

"Well i guess i'll start.." I looked up to see Shuichi finally taking his eyes off of the carpet as he raised his head to speak. "So uh...as you heard about uh Wednesday's are crying days and i uh lose so much tears that I end up spending most of Thursday's throwing up which means I really haven't had that huge of an appetite. I mean i'm still eating and thats you know...fine but everything is different. I looked up at his face to realize that when he was stuttering that he had actually started to cry in front of us. Something that had never happened in front of us before. The sharing continued on with everyone's mental walls slowly started to crash down on them. Nagito went next and what I thought would be him insulting us ended up being really deep to where he also began sobbing along with the rest of us.

"You know you all are so lucky that you are the physical embodiment of hope. I've always admired hope from a far but i have truly never experienced it. Everyone walks around and smile and their so full of hope, but me, i'm just trash on the sidewalk." After Nagito said this I looked around. There was now a pity party for two and my remaining tears. How did I get here? I sighed awkwardly as I realized that I was next in line to speak. If everyone else could do it then so could I right? But were they even my friends? Could I even trust them with this? The biggest most tragic secret that I, Makoto Naegi had kept for so long was finally not a secret anymore.

"I...uh I guess i'll go next..Well uh I" I tried to speak but it just never ended up working. I flopped back down onto my knees in defeat. They didn't care. They wouldn't care. They shouldn't care. Was I really their friend anyway? I would have to say it fast if I wanted to get it over with. I took a deep breath before saying what I thought I would have never said when I walked into these four walls. "Well you see, everytimeIFallDownThestairsitsbecauseIwaspushedandeveryonedoesthistomeandimjustsosickofit." I took a breath as I saw everyone's shocked faces. I normally just wrote off my injuries on my bad luck and clumsiness but I guess they know the truth now. When my voice was completely drowned out by tears I joined the pity party and upped its members by one. Then all of a sudden something that I would never want to happen in a million years happen. The doorbell rang.

[chittaphonsicecream]

blackmail: a wonwoo hacker!au

synopsis: you’ve dumped your ex boyfriend and blocked him on everything, but you’re pretty sure he’s been logging into your social media accounts and stalking you. your best friend suggests that you go to the IT nerds at school and ask for some help in figuring out who’s watching you. you enlist jeon wonwoo’s help in stopping him and wreaking a little bit of havoc of your own. female reader x wonwoo ft kaistal bc I miss them

word count: 6.4k (the ending is kinda rushed bc i was lowkey sick of writing)

a/n: this takes place in an american college:) so basically… this is based on something that happened to me (the stalking part). wonwoo doesn’t get introduced for a while but when he does it’s worth it. it’s really angsty and slow but I hope you enjoy.

“Look, I think we’re better apart,” you said, staring your boyfriend directly in the eyes.

“I don’t agree,” he said. He grabbed your hand a little too forcefully. “You are the only one for me.”

“Jason…” you said. You took a deep sigh and looked at him. “I’ve been telling you for the past hour, we are over.”

“No, you can’t do this,” he said. “Yes, yes, I can,” you said. “You need to leave.”

“So the past nine months have been a lie?”

“No, the past nine months have been you manipulating me into thinking that I loved you and that you’re as good as it gets,” you deadpanned. “Jason, you need to leave. Now.”

“No!” he yelled. “There’s nobody like you, _____.”

“Yes, there is. I’m not special. Now get out before I call the police,” you threatened. “You’ve wasted nine months of my life, don’t waste another minute.”

“You need professional help, you know that, right?” questioned Jason. “You’re the most heartless, uncaring bitch I’ve ever met.”

“Hm, sucks for you,” you said. “Now get the fuck out of my apartment before Krystal comes home.”

“Fine, but we’re not done talking,” he said. “We’ll make it through this.”

“I really don’t think so,” you replied as you pushed him out of your apartment and slammed the door in his face.

Knowing what Jason could be like, you quickly locked your doors and waited in the farthest room in your apartment. He had been manipulating you for as long as you could remember, convincing you that you were happiest with him when really he was isolating you from the rest of your friends and family. You hadn’t even liked him; he just continually told you that he liked you until you caved in and consented to being his girlfriend. In reality, he was one of the worst people you knew.

Following the breakup, he relentlessly tried to contact you and become your friend. He even went as far as to send his older brother’s ex girlfriend, a good friend of yours, to tell you how much he missed you and how unhappy he was without you. She warned you heavily to stay away from him and his entire family.  

After you blocked Jason and cut him off completely, you began to adjust back to your normal life. You were becoming happier, more outgoing, and more of who you used to be. Everyone in your life noticed the positivity.

Chatting over bowls of cereal, you and Krystal were sitting at your small kitchen table. You opened up your Snapchat to find yourself logged out, which could mean one of two things: either Snapchat was being its typical glitchy self or someone else had logged into your account. The only person who knew your password was Krystal.

“Hey, Krystal, did you log into my Snap?” you asked.

“No, why?” she replied.

“Nothing,” you mumbled. “It must be glitching or something.”

“Okay,” she said. “Hey, are you still friends with Jason’s cousin?”

“Which one?”

“The one that introduced the two of you.”

“Oh, Hailey. Yeah, but we’re not as close as we were when Jason and I were just friends. And then we kind of drifted when I dumped him and now we hardly see or talk to each other.”

“I didn’t care that much,” laughed Krystal. “I was just wondering why your Instagram profile pic has her in it now.”

“I didn’t change it,” you said.

“Yeah, you did.” Krystal held up her phone to your face to show a picture of you and Hailey, clearly happy. It was a photo taken during the camping trip where you and Jason became close.

“I don’t remember changing it.” You grabbed her phone and took a closer look. You had more followers than you remembered, too, and you were private. “Maybe I did it when I was falling asleep last night.”

“I think it’s pretty new,” she said, “and you do weird stuff when you’re tired, so I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Yeah,” you mumbled in reply.

Over the next few months, small but strange things continued happening on your social media. Snapchats had been opened that you couldn’t recall seeing, follow requests that you never saw were accepted, direct messages were opened by someone other than you, posts you never saw were liked, stories you never viewed were watched, and random people were added to your Snapchat. Again, you didn’t think much of it.

After a few months of avoiding Hailey and discussing the breakup, you finally met up with her for lunch. She was desperate to catch up with you, especially after you had distanced yourself so severely from her. At one point she had been your best friend, but now the two of you were more like strangers.

The small restaurant was a nice little meeting place, and you arrived a few minutes early to make sure that your reservation was claimed. It was commonplace for Hailey to arrive rather late, from five minutes to forty-five minutes. After you ordered drinks for the both of you, she arrived.

“Sorry for being so late,” she apologized profusely.

“Hailey, you’re always late,” you laughed. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to see how you’ve been holding up,” she offered. “You know, our whole family really believed that you and Jason would get married. We’d never seen him like the way he was with you.”

“The way he was with me was constantly manipulating me and making my life toxic,” you spat. “Hailey, I didn’t come here so you could talk me into getting back together with Jason.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “but I thought it was worth a shot.”

“A shot that’ll ruin our friendship permanently. He’s an awful person. I don’t hate people, but I hate him,” you deadpanned. “Can we talk about literally anything else?”

“Alexa had her second kid,” Hailey offered, “and Nick is finally engaged to Alondra.”

Hailey went on a tangent about her older siblings and their success before circling back around to what she really wanted to talk about.

“And I’m dating someone, too,” she said quietly. “I didn’t want to mention anything since your past relationship was so bad.”

You laughed. “I’m not that terrible of a person. I can be happy for someone else, you know?”

“Okay,” smiled Hailey. “He’s going to Cozumel with my family and me next week. The whole crew is going, Alexa and her family, Nick and his fiance, and Jason’s family. Jason’s sister Madison is already pregnant and they wanted to get in a trip before the baby’s born.”

“They’ve been married for six months!” you exclaimed. “I was Jason’s date to the wedding. That’s…”

“An accident?” offered Hailey. “I think so, but she and Chad deny it.”

“Whatever makes them feel better,” you said.

“Yeah.” She took a sip of her drink. “Do you think I’m being too forward by bringing my boyfriend on a family trip? It’s only been a few months.”

“At least you’ll know soon whether this relationship is going to work.” It was meant to be a joke, but Hailey took it seriously. The conversation was becoming uncomfortable, forced with the continuous mention of Jason, so finally you excused yourself, left a twenty dollar bill on the table, and headed home.

The next week, strange things continued to happen on your social media. Knowing you, you continued to ignore it and think nothing of it. Finally, as you opened up your Instagram, you got a strange notification.

We detected an unusual login attempt. iOS | Jun 27, 6:10 AM | Cozumel, Mexico

Your heartbeat soared as you realized what this could mean. Tears welled up in your eyes as you quickly texted Hailey.

hey, are you in cozumel?

yeah, we landed a little before 6 this morning. why?

nothing. jason flew with you?

yes what’s wrong

nothing don’t worry

You ran to the bathroom where Krystal was getting ready for the day and started banging on the door. “Krystal!” you shouted. “Krystal, open the door!” You were crying and sat on the floor of the hallway until Krystal opened the door.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Jason has been logging into my accounts all this time. You know that weird stuff that was constantly happening on my accounts? It was him.”

“How?”

“I don’t know… All of my passwords are pretty difficult.”

“Okay, well, let’s start with changing your passwords.” Krystal paused for a second, and then spoke again. “How do you know it’s him?”

“Who else would be stalking my accounts? I’m not interesting. I blocked him on everything, and then this morning I get a notification that someone in Cozumel has been logging into my account. And you know who flew into Cozumel this morning? Jason.”

“Text him,” Krystal said. “See if he’ll say he’s been logging into your accounts.”

jason

wow didn’t expect to hear from you anytime soon

yeah ik

u feeling lonely i guess? ;)

no

aw babe

don’t aw babe me why have you been logging into my social media

I havent??

yes you fucking have leave me the fuck alone

no i havent

I got a notification saying someone in cozumel has been logging into my accounts and ik weird shit has been going down in my account this is illegal

theres lots of people in cozumel what if it wasnt me

im going to the police

you have no proof that its me

ill find a way to get proof leave me tf alone stay out of my accounts

Krystal snatched your phone from your hands. “I don’t really think we can do anything if he denies it,” she sighed. Her eyes lit up. “I know some kids in the IT department of school. I bet they’d help.” She pulled you up from off the floor. “Get ready, let’s go talk to them.”

You dressed quickly because the sooner you met with the IT kids, the sooner you could figure out who had truly been stalking you. As soon as you were ready, you grabbed Krystal’s arm and started jogging towards the campus. She had dressed well, like always, but you were comfortable and ready to run.

After a few minutes of running, you finally arrived at the university’s tech department. Krystal was friends with most everybody, so she showed you where the IT kids could be found. She knocked quietly on the door after you had ran up the stairs to the entrance.

“Come in,” someone called from the other side.

“Hey, guys,” Krystal said as she opened up the door. “I need a favor.”

“What is it?” one of the boys asked. There was only one girl, and she was quietly working away at her computer, headphones in ears.

“_____, tell them what’s been happening,” she said as she pushed you towards them.

You began your long tale of your toxic relationship, the messy breakup, the strange social media occurrences, and finally, that morning’s notification.

“I’d recommend talking to Wonwoo, the boy over there,” said the boy that Krystal knew. “He’s good with that stuff. Doesn’t get caught, either.”

“Okay, thank you,” you said. You walked over to the tall, dark haired boy with glasses. “Hi,” you said softly. “I need you to do me a favor. I’ll literally do anything for it.” You paused. “Well, not anything.”

“What is it?” 

“I need you to find out who has been logging into my Instagram accounts. You’re a hacker, right?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he said, “but I’m more of a vigilante hacker. I don’t just hack to hack.”

“Well, I think you’ll be intrigued by what I’m going to tell you,” you replied hopefully. You began your spiel once more, and by the end, Wonwoo had his chin in his hands and was staring at you intently.

“It’ll take me maybe ten minutes to figure out if he’s been logging into your account, but from the looks of it, he definitely has,” Wonwoo said. “But this isn’t my style. My style is more messing with people who did bad things on the internet.”

“Okay, but will you see if it’s even him? I think it is but can you make sure anyway?” you asked.

“Yeah, give me a few.” Wonwoo turned to his computer and left you alone

“Hey, _____,” Krystal called from across the room. “I’m heading home. I don’t want to be here too long. Are you okay on your own?”

“I’m fine,” you replied as you took a seat next to Wonwoo and watched him type rapidly. “You don’t mind if I stay with you, do you?”

“No, I really don’t.” Wonwoo didn’t even look up from his computer as he kept typing. After a few minutes, he came up empty handed. He looked at you confusedly. “His phone is heavily protected. I don’t know what kind of software this person has installed, but I can’t access it. All I can access is the Apple ID of the person that owns the phone, and it’s a bunch of random numbers and letters. I can try hacking into that, but I don’t think it’s going to lead anywhere.”

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“I mean your ex-boyfriend is either incredibly clever or he has someone else doing the dirty work for him,” Wonwoo said.

“He’s really smart. Tech savvy.”

“Then he knows what he’s doing.” Wonwoo looked back at the screen and then to you. “I think I can figure out if it’s him, but it’ll take a solid half hour. I have to hack into the account and then see all of the phones and devices the accounts have been linked to and see if any of them belong to him. You should go get food or something while I do this; it might be a while.”

“Okay,” you said. “I’ll bring something back for you. What do you want?”

“How about burgers?” he asked.

“I’ll be back soon. You have my number now, so text me what you want,” you said with a smile. Wonwoo nodded before pulling out his phone and sending you his order.

After about fifteen minutes, you were back with burgers. Wonwoo was spinning around in his chair and smiled at you. “It’s him. That Jason guy, it’s him.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“I know you want to go to the police, but I want to have a little fun,” Wonwoo said. “This is my speciality of sorts.”

“But what if you get caught?” you asked.

“I won’t.” He took his burger from you. “Consider this payment for my deeds,” he said with a wink.

“I don’t know if I want you to mess with him. He’s a little psycho.”

“He’s not just a little psycho, he’s a lot psycho.” Wonwoo smiled at you softly. “Look, ____, if you don’t want me to, I won’t. But I think you want this guy to get a taste of his own medicine.”

“Of course I do,” you said. “But what could we possibly do to him?”

“I have some ideas, but you’ll have to consent. And they can be pretty shady, but I promise you, we won’t get caught,” Wonwoo said.

“What are your ideas?” you asked.

“If you give me your phone, I can retrieve every conversation the two of you have ever had. The embarrassing, the sweet, the manipulative, everything. Blackmail him with his own nudes? Done. Blackmail him with the embarrassing, loving, manipulative things he told you? Done. He won’t mess with you ever again, not as long as you’ve got this on your side.”

You stared at him. His proposal was intriguing to say the least. You knew Krystal would approve, but you also knew that he would access a lot of vulnerable things about you. You had some rather revealing photos in there, and while that did bother you, it didn’t bother you as much as the awkward and embarrassing photos you sent or the things you had confided in Jason. But you knew that he may never stop unless you made him stop, and you’d rather it be in your hands than in the authority’s hands. You looked at him, bit your lip, and then agreed.

“You promise you won’t judge me?” you asked.

“I promise,” replied Wonwoo softly. He gave your hand a gentle squeeze to reassure you. “You’re a good person. I can tell by just how you are. Texts between some manipulator and you aren’t going to make me change my mind.”

“Okay.” You handed him the phone. “But can you walk me home and then take my phone? I don’t want to be without my phone in the city.”

“Sure,” he said. He began packing up his things and then wrapped an arm around you. “It’s going to be fine. I’m good at what I do, and I don’t care about what you said. I only care about what he said.” He squeezed your shoulder gently. “It’s going to be okay. I’m not him.”

“You don’t need to tell me that,” you laughed as you detached yourself from him. “I know you’re not him.”

“Okay, good.” The two of you began the short walk from the university, through a bit of town, to your apartment. Once you neared your apartment, you reluctantly placed your phone in his palm.

“When will you be back?” you asked. “I kinda need my phone back.”

“I’ll come by tomorrow, how about that?”

“Okay.”

“We can go through what you think would affect him most tomorrow. I’ll just download it all to my laptop. Since you won’t have your phone, just expect me to come over sometime between noon and one, okay? I have some actually IT work to do tomorrow morning but I’ll just have it download while I sleep tonight.”

“Alright,” you said softly. “Thanks for doing this for me.”

“I’m an internet vigilante. It’s what I do,” responded Wonwoo with a wink. “See you around, ______.”

He watched as you entered your apartment building and stayed until he saw that you were safely inside. Once you were back inside your apartment, Krystal jumped to ask questions.

“What’d they find out?” she asked.

“He’s been stalking me,” you said shakily.

“Well, are you going to report it to the police or what?” she asked, playing with her fingers.

“Actually… about that,” you began, “I’m not going to the police.”

“Are you stupid?”

“Well, Wonwoo-”

“Wonwoo, huh?”

“It’s not like that. I literally just met him.”

“Oh, really? Then why’d he walk you home? And stay until he knew you were in the building?”

“Shut up,” you replied quickly. “We’re going to give Jason a taste of his own medicine. Wonwoo’s keeping my phone for the night to download everything I had regarding Jason and to retrieve all of the old messages and stuff and then he’s gonna… well… blackmail him, I guess.”

“No way,” laughed Krystal. “You’re blackmailing the psycho? I didn’t realize you were that ballsy.”

“It wasn’t my idea,” you clarified. “Wonwoo says he’s like some internet vigilante or something and it’s similar to stuff he always does.”

“Wait, so he walked you home because?”

“He needed to take my phone but I didn’t want to go home without it. And I think he’s honestly a little afraid for me.”

“He’s nice. Kinda quiet but nice.”

“Quiet?”

“Yeah. He’s said maybe ten words total to me.”

“We spoke a lot.”

“Maybe he likes you better than me.”

“Maybe.”

“Well,” Krystal said while lightly punching your arm, “aren’t you afraid of what Wonwoo is going to find on your phone?”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” you responded. “All that matters is that Jason leaves me alone. And I don’t think he’ll care much anyway. He knows what he’s seen when he’s being a vigilante or whatever.”

“Yeah, sure,” Krystal said sarcastically. “Whatever. You know what I think you should do? Get drunk.”

“I’m not going to get drunk,” you laughed. “I think I’m just going to sleep until tomorrow morning. I don’t want to think about this.”

“It’s only noon.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want to deal with this.”

“You don’t want to deal with this stalker drama or you don’t want to deal with knowing Wonwoo will go through everything on your phone?” suggested Krystal.

“Shut up,” you said. “For real, I’m going to sleep.”

You headed to your room and decided to sleep for the rest of the day. You finally woke up around two am after hours upon hours of sleep. Krystal was still awake, and she had her boyfriend Kai over. They were talking on the couch when you came out.

“Hey, guys,” you said with a small smile. “I didn’t know you were going to be over, Kai.”

“Krystal was just telling me the rundown on your stalker,” explained Kai.

“Oh,” you mumbled. “Yeah.”

“Jason will get what’s coming to him. If not now, when he’s thirty-five and his future wife leaves him,” he laughed.

“Kai, that’s rude,” Krystal said.

“Okay and?”

Krystal moved a little closer to Kai and smiled. It made you miss the days of having a boyfriend, but you knew that missing Jason was detrimental to yourself.

“So are you really having some hacker kid go through all the stuff on your phone just to blackmail Jason? Someone you don’t know?”

“At this point, nothing is really worse than knowing Jason wasn’t leaving me alone, so yeah, I am,” you replied. “He’s gonna be over around noon, by the way.”

“I’m gonna be out,” Krystal said.

“Where?”

“I don’t know. Kai, can I come over to yours?”

“Sure, babe.”

“You just did that so Wonwoo and I would be alone!”

“Also so I won’t have to see Jason’s nudes. I know that Wonwoo will be able to dig some up.”

“Fine.”

“Well, it’s two in the morning and I’ve got to be up at six, so I’ll see you tomorrow,” Krystal said. “C’mon, Kai, we’re going to bed.”

You watched Kai and Krystal leave the room and decided to clean the small apartment. By the time you were finished, the sun was starting to rise and Krystal would be waking up soon to head to the gym for her early morning workouts. Once Krystal was awake, she made some food for the both of you.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” she reassured you. “Jason will get whatever’s coming. Don’t worry about it. And you should probably catch a few hours of sleep before Wonwoo comes over, too.”

“Okay,” you agreed. “I’ll go to sleep in a few.”

A few hours later, you were awoken with the sound of Kai attempting to make Krystal a proper breakfast. It was nine in the morning, and you rolled back over only to be bombarded by the pair running into your room with sad looking pancakes.

“Cheer up!” Krystal said. “Just because you have a psycho manipulative stalker ex-boyfriend doesn’t mean you get to act like the world is ending!”

“I think it does mean I get to act like the world is ending,” you replied.

“I tried really hard to make these,” Kai said, shoving the plate in your face. “Come out to the kitchen and eat them, please.”

“Fine,” you grumbled. You got up and followed Kai to the kitchen table. His pancakes weren’t too bad, but they definitely not good. Once you took a bite and gave them a thumbs up, Kai backed off.

“I’ve got to get to work,” he said. “See ya later, guys. I left my keys to my apartment on your nightstand if you still want to go over there when Wonwoo’s here.”

Krystal nodded and smiled at him before leaning over to give him a peck on the cheek. “Okay, be safe.”

The next few hours passed rather quickly, with Krystal running around doing random things and you eating more food than you probably should. Before you knew it, Krystal had left to Kai’s and you were alone, waiting for Wonwoo’s arrival.

Just before noon, there was a knock at the door. You opened it quickly, and there was your expected guest. He had takeout in one hand and your phone in the other.

“I hope you don’t mind,” he said shyly. “I thought it would be good to have lunch since…”

“Oh, thank you!” you replied, taking it from him. You grabbed chopsticks and you both settled down on the couch. There was a gap between the two of you and an awkward silence filled the room. Finally, Wonwoo cleared his throat.

“You know, I don’t think much different of you,” he said quietly. “Except that you’re maybe kinda dumb.”

“I’m dumb?” you questioned.

“Yeah, you’re dumb.” He chuckled softly to himself.

“Why?”

“Because you had barely started texting this guy and you told him everything about yourself. And I mean everything. I think I know you better than I know my brother, now.”

“I don’t know why I did it. I guess he made me feel important.” You sighed and bit your lip before looking up at Wonwoo. “We can see how well that turned out.”

“It’ll be fine. We’ll get him back,” Wonwoo reassured you.

“I honestly thought it was love at first sight. Or something of the sort. I just saw him and knew ‘you’re going to be important in my life.’”

“I don’t believe in love at first sight.”

“Really?” you asked.

“I think you’ve got to know them really well before you can love them,” he said. “Anyway, let’s choose what we want to get started with.”

He pulled out his laptop and opened it up to reveal a file containing every interaction you had with Jason on your phone. “Do you want to start small or start big?”

“Start big,” you said.

“Let’s start with the nudes, then,” he said. “Here’s my idea, but if you don’t like it, we won’t do it.” You nodded in response. “Okay. I have a program on here that creates a protected fake phone number. Almost like a prepaid that you can’t pinpoint. But there actually is no number that exists. It’ll just show up as unknown. I’ll begin sending him pictures he sent you or tell him his own secrets. Just to mess with his mind a little bit, and after that, we’ll tell him to stay away from girls or we’ll leak it all on the internet.”

“Will you really?”

“No, of course not. I’m not that terrible of a person.”

“Okay,” you acquiesced. “But if it gets shady at any moment, we’re stopping the whole thing.”

“Not to be rude, but it’s already shady.”

“Fine. If it get shadier.”

He nodded and began typing rapidly on his computer until he was at the program that allowed for him to send the messages. He went into the file where he had stored everything from your phone and began clicking until he got to the bad stuff: the pictures.

“Hey, Wonwoo, I have a question,” you said softly. He nodded in reply. “Did you by any chance… see any of me?”

Wonwoo began coughing and refused to make eye contact with you. His cheeks were becoming rosy, and he looked at you. “Yeah. But don’t worry about it. I’m not like that, I swear. I’ve never even had a girlfriend.”

It was your turn to be uncomfortable. “You’ve never had a girlfriend? How old are you?”

“I’m almost twenty-two…”

“Why not? You seem completely normal. If a psycho like Jason could get a girlfriend, you easily could.”

“But a psycho like your ex also goes out and talks to people. This… this is my life. I don’t talk to people unless it’s over the computer. How am I supposed to meet someone?”

“Haven’t you ever heard of online dating?”

“God, I’m not that pathetic.”

The computer pinged, and you both turned to look at it. Jason had replied.

who is this

IT DOESN’T MATTER. YOU’LL NEVER FIND ME ANYWAY

who tf is this i swear to god i will find you and beat your ass

YOU MIGHT BE SMART BUT I AM SMARTER.

how did you get that picture of my dick

I HAVE MORE

who is giving this to you

NO ONE OF ANY IMPORTANCE. STAY AWAY FROM ________ OR I’LL LEAK THEM

nice try

Wonwoo looked at you expectantly. “What do you want to do?”

“Keep it up. Send in more.”

image: sent

wtf

I HAVE MORE

leave me alone

NOT UNTIL YOU LEAVE _______ ALONE

who are you you’re not her she’s above this

IT ISN’T RELEVANT

ok fine but ur fucking weird

LEAVE ________ ALONE

nah bro. I gotta have fun in mexico with my fam but this conversation isnt over be back in two hours

“Now all we can do is wait,” he said.

“I don’t know why he’s so dumb. If someone was blackmailing me, I’d just stop whatever I was doing.”

“Not to be rude, but apparently you don’t have good taste in intelligent men. Or in men in general.”

“You’re kinda rude, you know that?”

“I’m more socially awkward than rude. It’s usually pretty hard for me to talk to someone like we are now.”

“Aren’t I special?”

“Yeah, actually, you kinda are.”

“Aw, you say I have shit taste in men and then tell me I’m special. My heart is melting,” you deadpanned.

“It’s true. This guy doesn’t have common sense, sends shitty dick pics, treats you like shit, and did I mention that he’s also not that much of a looker?”

“You think I don’t know that he’s a terrible, ugly, dumb person?”

“I think you’re way out of his league.”

“Oh,” you said quietly. You felt your face flush but refused to look at him. “Can we talk about anything else? You know basically everything about me; it’s my turn to know everything about you.”

In most cases, Wonwoo would’ve objected completely. This wasn’t comfortable for him, it wasn’t fun, either. But when it came to you, he was okay with it. You were open about yourself with him, so he didn’t see any reason not to be open with you. Besides, he’d practically seen you naked at this point, so he knew you couldn’t judge him.

The conversation flowed easily, the both of you talking about your family, your lives before college, the college experience, your friends, your interests, the things that made you happy, the things that made you cry. With every sentence exchanged, you felt a stronger connection to Wonwoo. This time when you felt that he was going to be important in your life, you knew that it wasn’t your brain being dumb and desperate. It was honest, and it was real.

Before the either of you realized it, the two hours were up and Jason had replied. Again, it was something stupid.

I’m not fucking dumb. I know how to hack too. I swear on my life that i will find out whoever you are. you can’t hide from me

This time Wonwoo looked genuinely concerned. He turned to you and asked, “Do you think he actually is good enough to find me?”

“Why are you asking me!” you exclaimed. “You told me we wouldn’t be caught. I swear to god, Wonwoo, if we get caught, I’m going to beat you up.”

“I know, but he seems smart enough technologically. And if he knows people…”

“The only people he knows that are into IT are the people at this school. And anybody that could help him already knows how insane he is, so I think we’re going to be fine.”

“Okay,” he said as he processed what to do next. “Also, for the record, I don’t think you could beat me up.”

“You’re a literal string bean. I probably weigh way more than you. Just because you’re tall doesn’t mean you can’t get your ass whooped.”

Wonwoo laughed. “I’m starting to really like you,” he blurted. His eyes widened as you looked up at him. “As a friend, of course.”

“Of course.” You took the laptop from hi shands and began typing a message to Jason yourself in an attempt to ease the awkwardness of the situation.

I DON’T THINK YOU’LL BE ABLE TO FIND ME, BUT YOU CAN TRY. DON’T FORGET, I HAVE MORE. I CAN AND WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU IF YOU DON’T TURN YOURSELF IN FOR MANIPULATING, ABUSING, AND STALKING _______.

“Is that really going to work?” asked Wonwoo.

“Of course not,” you laughed. “He’s got his head up his ass. But it will let him know that we’re serious, and when people make it repeatedly obvious that something really bothers them, he stops. But it takes a long time. I don’t know how long you’ll have to do it.”

“He’s such a jerk. I can’t believe you dated him.”

“I didn’t just date him. I told the boy I loved him. Even worse, I slept with him!”

“Spare me the details,” laughed Wonwoo. “What do you want to do now?”

“I think that we’ll just have to top for now. But if I were you, I’d send him one embarrassing secret or picture a day. Don’t say anything, just send it so he knows that it’s you. And then we can meet up sometime soon and actually talk and mess with him.”

“Okay,” he said. “That’ll work. I’ll text you whatever I send.”

“Please don’t,” you said. “I never want to see his nudes ever again. Or his face. Or a drunken video of him professing his love to me.”

“Okay then. I’ll text you when I send him something.”

“Much better.”

“Well, I should get going now,” Wonwoo said quietly. “I’ll see you around.”

“Thanks for this,” you said, “and the takeout.”

“My pleasure.”

As Wonwoo left the apartment, you began to wonder what this all meant. He couldn’t like you, could he? He didn’t believe in loving right away, but did that spread to liking? You waited until Krystal got home to discuss it. She was far better versed in this area and would be able to give you good advice. Krystal texted you around six saying that she was finally leaving Kai’s since Taemin would be back from vacation and that she was heading home. You were waiting for her in the living room, and the moment she walked through the door, you began blurting out everything that happened.

“Oh my god, does Jeon Wonwoo have a crush on the ______ ______?” asked Krystal.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you!” you replied.

“I think he does!” Krystal said. “Actually, I know he does. Keep up the good work, tiger.” She winked at you and walked away.

“Wait!” you called out. “What do I do?”

“I don’t know,” she replied. “Wonwoo’s… he’s quiet, shy. You’re going to have to take this slow.”

“Okay,” you said. “I think I am more than capable of doing that.”

The weeks went by of blink-and-you-miss-it flirting over text messages with Wonwoo. The texts were pretty mundane, but you had found yourself loving every time your phone pinged with a notification from Wonwoo. You met up once a week to message Jason together, and each time something would happen. The brush of fingertips, an arm around a shoulder, a shared laugh, thighs touching while you sat. Nothing about what the two of you had was platonic.

After a few days, Wonwoo asked you two to meet up again. This time, it was at his apartment rather than yours. Krystal and Kai were throwing a small party, and Wonwoo didn’t want to be there, so you obliged to meeting with him at his home.

Wonwoo’s apartment was vintage, beige, and filled with things you never would’ve imagined it to be. There were books everywhere, a record player, and a leather sofa that looked straight out of a fifties movie.

“So you know we’re pretty close to cracking him,” Wonwoo said. “I mean, did you see those last messages? He sounded like he was going to have an emotional breakdown.”

“Yeah,” you muttered.

“Did I do something wrong?” asked Wonwoo, noticing the hesitation in your voice and attitude.

“No, no,” you said. “I just wonder if I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“Am I any better than him by blackmailing him?”

Wonwoo was at a loss for words. He looked at you, and then back at the ground. “I honestly don’t know” was his response. He took your hands in his and gave them a gentle squeeze. “Maybe what we did was wrong, but he also did something wrong.”

“Two wrongs don’t make a right, Wonwoo,” you replied. “I feel like a terrible person. I know I hate Jason, but I also know I’m better than this.”

“Well, we can stop,” he said. “We’ll stop right now.”

Wonwoo pulled out his laptop and opened the program he had been using to communicate with Jason.

I’VE DECIDED TO LET YOU BE. WHAT I AM DOING TO YOU IS JUST AS BAD AS WHAT YOU DID TO ______.

nah its worse fuck u tho

GOODBYE

ya know idk u but u got balls. ______ is lucky to have u ik im psycho when it comes to her but i want her to have the best. I mean the best is me but u seem pretty good too

GOODBYE

You looked up shyly at Wonwoo. “So he thinks you’re my boyfriend, huh?”

“I mean, I’ve been at it for weeks. Almost two months, even,” he said.

“Wonwoo,” you said, getting up. “I think I should go.”

“Why?”

“Well, we did what we meant to do. Blackmail Jason, and now it’s over, so I should go.”

Wonwoo stood up with you. “Okay.” He walked you to the door and watched you put on your shoes before he did the unthinkable. He grabbed you by the arm, pulled you up to him, and placed his mouth on yours. It’s sweet, but it’s short lived because Wonwoo immediately pulled away to look at you.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. Instead, you just laugh, and you pull him down to you. Suddenly, your arms are around his neck and his hands are in your hair and you are feeling everything and nothing at the same time. And then you’re laughing, and he’s laughing, and you pull away to catch your breath.

“Wow,” he said. “That’s…”

“That’s what?”

“Wow.”

“Yeah,” you muttered, pulling him in for a hug. He buried his face in your hair and then lifted your chin up for one more kiss.

“Are you sure you want to go?” he asked.

“I’m sure I want to stay.”

[not-close-to-straight]

I See You (SWS #28)(Ghost!Peter)

This has a PART TWO!

SUNDAYS WITH SPIDEYPOOL MASTERLIST 

*******************

The therapist had suggested a new apartment, had said that moving on would be easier if he wasn’t surrounded by his old life, by the things that had made up his life with Vanessa before all the...all the everything happened. 

She hadn’t been wrong. 

It was infinitely easier to sleep at night when he couldn’t roll over and push his face into Vanessa’s old pillow and wish she was there. Easier to force himself out of bed when the new bathroom had a fancy shower head with all sort of...interesting options. Easier to make himself eat when the kitchen wasnt decorated with their mismatched pots and pans and funny sticky notes on the dirty fridge. 

Easier to deal with his new fucking face when he had torn down all the mirrors and tossed them away and now only clean white walls stared back at him. 

Easier to go a little crazy this way too. 

Two months Wade had been in this new place and he felt like maybe he hated it to his soul, but he didn’t know what else to do. Vanessa was gone. His looks and his charm were gone. Francis had been rude enough to die in an actual accident that Wade had had no part in, or had even been there to witness. 

He had dedicated so much time to finding Francis and plotting every way he was going to make that fucker pay that now that it was over Wade didn’t know what to do with himself. 

At least he had had a mission. A purpose. 

Now he was just a regular guy with an astonishing temper and a fantastically fucked up face living in a bland little apartment, trying to see a therapist to work through his (countless) issues, and staring at plain white walls long enough that he thought he really might be losing whatever was left of his sanity. 

Especially when he started hearing voices. 

Well not voices. One voice. Just the one. Singing or humming, sometimes talking, sometimes crying. 

It flitted in and out of his mind ever so often, and the first time Wade had heard it he had whipped around thinking someone was standing in his apartment, because he had heard the song as if someone had sang it in his ear. 

The second time it sounded more like it was coming from outside and he had gone to the window fully prepared to yell at some loud ass kids, only to realize there was no one on the street at all. 

Maybe it was music from one of the surrounding apartments? Or people walking down the hall? Or maybe it was weird radio interference? 

Wade searched desperately for what the voice could be, until he finally had to admit that maybe the voice was him. Maybe another side affect of this shitty new life was a psychological break, and now he really was crazy. 

And he sat in his new apartment staring at the white walls and thought, “Yeah alright. I could go crazy. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to ever happen.” 

**********************

Wade made his peace with his fracturing mind. The music wasnt half bad. The voice in his head was even a little soothing. It was like having someone else there in the apartment with him, and that wasn’t...terrible. 

(his therapist would disagree, but he stopped seeing her weeks ago) 

One day he even thought to say something back to the voice. Maybe if he said something aloud, his other personality would answer and hey, that would be like having a friend, wouldn’t it?

So he sat and waited. Stared at nothing until his eyes started to blur and then just on the edges of his consciousness--

“Say Becky, was you ever engaged?” 

Wade blinked. “Um, once. And my name isn’t Becky.” 

Silence in the room then, and Wade was struck by the oddest sensation of someone watching him, but he didn’t turn from the wall. “Were you ever engaged?” he asked tentatively, feeling entirely ridiculous for expecting an answer, but then--

“Are you talking to me?” 

“Who else would I be talking to?” he snorted. “Just me and you in here, isnt there? Unless there’s another voice or two hidden in my head?” 

“In your head.” The voice was cleared now, not quite as whispery. “Is that what you think?” 

“Um--” Wade blinked at the wall again, his senses going into overdrive when he got the impression of being approached, like someone was walking towards him. 

“Can you see me?” the voice asked. “Or just hear me?” 

“No, I cant see you.” Wade said in irritation, and then he was screeching at the top of his lungs, scrambling backwards over the couch and landing on the floor in an ungraceful heap, snatching his gun and sending several rounds right into the boy standing in front of him. 

Or rather, sending several rounds through the boy standing in front of him.

“Oh my god, you can see me!” the boy--teenager--college kid? said in excitement, and Wade started screeching again when he walked through the couch and knelt in front of him. “Stop screaming. Stop--stop screaming.” he was smiling, his hands reached out like he was going to touch Wade, and well, Wade was not about to have that, so he sent another round point blank into the kids face and---

---nothing. 

“That’s irritating.” the ghost/spirit/thing huffed. “Stop that.” 

“What in the fuck?” Wade blurted. “What the fuck. What in the ever loving actual fuck is going on? What the fu--” 

“Yes, you said that already.” the other one said mildly. “I dont understand why you can see me. A hundred years Ive been stuck here and no one has ever seen me and now you can see me and I dont understand--” he was staring at Wade like he was fascinated, words tumbling from his mouth almost faster than Wade could keep up, but that could have been because Wade was pretty sure he had gone completely insane this time and his mind had screeched to a complete stop before completely shattering. 

“Oh. You’re not crazy.” the ghost shook his head. “I’m really here. Well not here. Im sort of in between worlds. Which makes me wonder if you are--” without stopping to ask permission, and before Wade could think to run the fuck away, the ghost stuck his hands directly into Wade’s chest and first it was blinding cold and then raging heat and the last thing Wade remembered before passing out was the boys eyes widening in surprise, and the entirely unsettling thought that the ghost had the prettiest smile he had ever seen. 

*********************

Wade was still on the floor when he came to, and he shook his head to clear it of the ridiculous dream, retrieved his gun and flinched at the bullet holes in his previously perfect wall and stood to stumble to the bathroom to take a shower and wipe away the soreness from being on the floor all night. 

Well that was the plan, anyway, until he looked over at the couch and saw that fucking kid sitting there calmly, hands clasped in his lap, an eager smile on his face. 

“Nope.” Wade shook his head. “Nopety nope. Fuck no. You aren’t there. I’m not seeing things. Hearing voices is one thing. Hallucinations is another. I’m not even high. Its not fair to see things if I’m not even high.” he took a deep breath. “When I come back from my shower? You better be ghosted the fuck out of here, you understand?” 

He slammed the door to the bathroom and turned the water as hot as it could go, turned to reach for a towel--

--and screamed all over again when the kid appeared in front of him. 

“Good Christ.” Wade put a hand over his heart. “What are you doing?” 

“You don’t understand.” the other one grinned all over again. “You can see me. This is incredible.” 

“Is it?” Wade deadpanned. “Because I’m starting to feel like checking myself into a mental asylum.” 

“No, its incredible!” the ghost enthused. “You’re incredible. Your soul hovers in the same plane I do, and that’s why you can see me.” 

“Alright.” Wade took a deep breath. “I’ve snapped. Its fine. Due to happen, right? I’m going to take my shower, call my therapist and--”

“My names Peter!” the ghost blurted. “Peter. What’s your name?” 

“Wade.” he answered, because why not? Why wouldn’t he talk to the hallucination/ghost/imaginary friend. 

“Wade.” The ghost-- Peter-- kept smiling and Wade blinked at the happiness in it. “This is wonderful. Thank you. Thank you for seeing me.” 

“Um. You’re welcome?” 

Peter reached out then, and for all of two seconds Wade could feel his hand, solid and warm, on his scarred skin before it cooled and slid through. 

Oh yeah. Yeah, Im batshit crazy.

**************************

He wasn’t crazy, or at least that’s what Peter kept assuring him. 

“I’m real.” Peter said for what must have been the thousandth time as Wade eyeballed him suspiciously over his cereal. “Well, sort of real. A ghost. You really see me, you’re not going crazy.” 

“Im real.” Peter said again, days later when Wade came out of his bedroom and literally walked through him. “It was rude of you to walk through me, but Im really here.” 

Wade was too icked out by the thought of walking through someone, and the lingering chill in his bones to answer. 

“Im here.” Peter sighed impatiently, when it had been two weeks and Wade narrowed his eyes and threw a book at Peter, watching in fascination as it slowed to pass through Peters skin and then hit the wall with a thump. “Stop throwing things at me, please!” 

“Explain.” Wade finally said one day, plopping on to the couch and then jumping awkwardly up and moving to another chair when Peter sat on the couch next to him. “Explain this.” 

“I died a long time ago.” Peter explained. “Here before this building was born and my soul is tied to the land. No one can see me, or hear me and I’ve been wandering around this building for decades.”

“Not this apartment specifically?” Wade asked carefully, his therapists number already dialed in his phone just in case. 

“No.” Peter spread his hands vaguely. “You trapped me here. I was wandering through and you took down all the mirrors and now I cant leave.” 

“My bad.” Wade muttered, and Peter only grinned at him. “So thats why I can see you? Because you’re trapped?” 

“No, you can see me--” Peter leaned forward, brown eyes sparkling and a flush in his cheeks which was... odd...because Wade had always assumed ghosts were see through, not that they looked like cute guys from the 1800s. 

“You can see me because of your--” Peter motioned to his face then pointed to Wade. “Whatever this is, keeps your soul somewhere between life and death, like mine. When I touched you that first day--”

“When you violated my chest with your creepy hands?” Wade interrupted. 

“Yes.” again, with the little blush and Wade was annoyed by how much he liked it. “When I touched you, I felt your soul. Whatever happened to you keeps you from dying right?” 

“Right...” Wade hedged. 

“But you aren’t really.... alive?” Peter raised an eyebrow. “Right? I mean, being alive is basically the ability to die right? And you don’t have that ability. Our souls are on the same sort of plane, and I’m trapped in your apartment, so you can see me and talk with me and oh my god--” he laughed, clear and sweet. “I’ve been so lonely for so long and now you’re here and I can actually talk to you! Its incredible!” 

“Right.” Wade said again. “Incredible.” 

“This is weird for you?” Peter asked, looking upset. “You... you don’t want me here?” 

“Actually.” Wade ran his hand over his scalp, scratching idly and then flinching at the pain. “I’m weirded out because you’re awfully pretty for a ghost. I thought you would be blue and see through and blurry. Not looking like someone Id pick up from a bar.” 

“Oh!” Peters eyes lit (fuck Wade hated how much he liked it). “You’re awfully pretty too.” 

“You’re full of shit, baby boy.” Wade said calmly and got up from the chair. “Do you want me to put up a mirror so you can leave?” 

“Um. No?” Peter looked terribly unsure all the sudden. “Do you want me to leave?” 

“Talking with a ghost is better than thinking Im going crazy.” Was all Wade said. “Goodnight.” 

*********************

It was a weird life, sharing an apartment with a ghost, but Wade had adapted to a lot of weird shit in the last few years so really it wasnt an issue. 

Peter didnt eat of course, but he sat with Wade during every meal and made polite conversation. After Wade had shouted at him a few times, Peter had stopped just appearing in the bathroom, explaining sheepishly that he forgot to observe walls and doors when he could just walk through them. 

The bedroom was another issue, since Peter didn’t need to sleep he simply stood and watched and that was creepy even for Wade, so after another heated discussion, Peter had stopped doing that too. 

They settled into something of a pattern and it was a little domestic and sort of sweet how happy Peter was anytime Wade came home and it certainly didnt hurt that the kid was gorgeous, right? All long limbs and big eyes and a ridiculous smile and an annoying (adorable and fairly sexy) way of biting at his bottom lip when he got excited. 

“I ran off to join the circus when I was eighteen.” Peter explained one day and Wade said a silent prayer of thank the fucking lord that he had died at over eighteen-- and wow wasnt that a screwed up thought to have?

“What did you do in the circus?” he asked, only to keep his mind away from that sort of thought about the ghost.

“I was a trapeze artist.” Peter grinned. “Something amazing about flying like that. Flipping through the air and only having those strings to hold you up. We didn’t have nets and it was such a thrill to be that high up and know that you could die if you weren’t careful.” 

“Trapeze artist, huh?” Wade was the worst, because he heard trapeze artist and thought bendy and that was... that had to be messed up right? “So what happened?” 

“There wasn’t a net.” Peter explained sheepishly. “And I tried something ridiculous and fell. It wasn’t pretty.” 

“Uh, yeah. I bet not.” 

Another day, Wade was pacing in the apartment, rubbing at his head, irritated because his skin hurt and he had had nightmares the night before and hadnt slept and god he was cranky and finally collapsed face down on the couch to scream into a pillow--

--And cool hands landed on his back, touching just barely over his skin and numbing the sting and Wade took a shaky breath and asked, “Does it feel gross to you?” 

“All I can feel is your warmth.” Peter explained, working his hands lower and smiling over the groan of relief Wade gave him. “Im always cold, and you’re so warm, I love it.”

“Oh.” 

Cool hands smoothing over his butt and working down his legs and Wades eyes flew open in alarm when he started...responding... because it was weird enough that there was a ghost giving him a back rub but it was even weirder that he was apparently popping a boner over it but hey, the ghost was a hottie and it had been a long time since Wade had even thought to--

“Roll over for me.” Peter suggested, and then he laughed. “Or I could just get under you I guess. Could just phase through the couch and--” 

“Nope!” Wade blurted. “Dont!” 

“Do my hands feel bad?” Peter frowned. “I know you can only feel them for a few seconds before they give way, but--”

“Nope. Everything feels good.” he said through gritted teeth. “Really really good. Thank you. Move away please.” 

“Oh. Alright.” 

That night was the first night Wade shoved his pajama pants down and took himself in hand, fully prepared to jerk off to the image of big brown eyes and slim hands and those stupid long legs and the way Peters lips parted when he smiled--

---but then he felt gross over it and pulled his pants back up, throwing an arm over his eyes and willing his arousal to lessen. 

This was weird even by his standards. 

********************

It started getting more difficult for Wade to leave the apartment, knowing Peter couldn’t go with him, and the money from his mercenary days was more than enough to pay for the apartment and food so Wade ended up spending every day just... home. Watching TV, or reading, or learning how to cook more and more complex meals, with Peter reading from the recipe books and telling him stories from his life before.

Eventually, Wade started walking around the apartment with less clothes on, content with Peters constant reassurance that he didn’t care about his skin. 

“Really, I see your soul.” Peter explained one day. “I mean, yeah, I see you physically, but because our souls are on the same plane, that is more obvious to me.” 

“Besides.” his voice softened then. “You’re gorgeous, so even if I couldn’t see your soul I would stare.” 

“You’re full of shit, baby boy.” Wade rolled his eyes, but couldn’t deny that it made him feel good and when Peter reached for his hand, Wade lay his palm out so Peter could bring their fingertips together, phasing in and out of being corporeal, the cool touch coming and going every few seconds. 

And when Peter finally did ask about the scars, Wade told him all about the cancer and Vanessa and Francis and his revenge, and fully expected Peter to do that adorable nose wrinkle he did when he was disgusted, but instead Peter just smiled sadly and said how sad he was that Wade had had such a hard go of it. 

“Maybe I’m happy, though.” he said cautiously. “Because if it hadn’t happened, then you wouldn’t be able to see me and Id still be here, and lonely.” 

They held hands again after that and when Wade went to bed, Peter stood on his toes (frankly, adorable, because it was such a human thing to do) and tried to kiss Wade, his lips solid for only a second before they dissipated. 

It was odd, but it was wonderful and Wade realized one day that he had gone and fucking fallen in love, and if there was ever a time to call his therapist, that would have been it. But instead he put in Patrick Swayze’s Ghost and justified that if Demi could be in love with a ghost, then so could he.

And then at some point, Peter started sleeping in bed next to him. 

Or not so much sleeping as he was lying there with his eyes closed, with one hand resting on Wade’s chest because he knew Wade slept better with someone else there. 

They never talked about it, never brought it up, just let it happen because it made them both happy. 

They also never talked about the day Wade had finally given in and gotten himself off in the shower thinking about Peter, wishing he was solid and real and then Wade could really hold him like he wanted to. Hold him and kiss him and press him into the bed and---

And when he was done, he had walked out the door to see Peter staring at him and biting his lip, cheeks flushing red, and his hands trembling a little when he reached out to touch Wade’s cheek. His fingers had seemed solid for longer that time, brushing over Wade’s rough skin sweetly, before fading again. 

It came up eventually that Peter had been reciting The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, that first day that Wade had heard him. He had read the book so many times, he had it memorized and it was the only thing that kept him from feeling lonely.

Wade ordered a Kindle that same day and uploaded as many books as he could onto it and gave it to Peter as a present, confident that he could be solid enough for the split second it could take to turn pages on the e-reader.

Peter didnt speak for a solid week after that, his nose almost pressed to the screen, lips moving as he devoured the books.

Wade woke up one morning to Peter started sleeping on his side with what was probably the cutest ass Wade had ever seen (or not seen, since it was ghostly and all that) budged up into Wade’s hips, his Kindle on the bed next to him, a sleepy smile on his lips.

“Pete?” Wade asked quietly, and the boy opened his eyes and leaned up to press a kiss to Wade’s lips, just barely there before it was gone, and then cool hands down his sides before Peter snuggled close-- or as close as he could before moving through Wade, anyway. 

“So um, men then?” Wade said awkwardly. “Or is it just because I bought you books?” 

“Men.” Peter assured him, then shyly smiled and whispered, “But really its just you, Wade.” 

***********************

“So almost a hundred years, sweet cheeks?” Wade asked and Peter nodded, drawing his fingers in idle patterns over Wade’s bare chest and down to his stomach. “Why are you stuck here?”

“I don’t know.” Peter admitted. “At first I thought it was some sort of purgatory. The first few decades I wasn’t solid at all. Just wavering there, could see through my own hands-- it was horrifying. Maybe twenty or thirty years ago I started being able to actually talk again, and now I’m physically for a few seconds at a time.” he held up his hands in explanation. “Ten seconds is about my max,  but I think being here with you is making it longer.” 

“You look tired today.” Wade said in concern. “I’ve never seen you look tired.” 

“I feel tired.” Peter complained and leaned his head against Wade’s shoulder, frowning when he phased through almost immediately. “I dont really know whats going on.” 

“Maybe your purgatory sentence is almost up.” Wade meant it to be teasing, but Peters eyes widened in fear. 

“I don’t want to die, though.” he whispered. “Im terrified of dying, Wade. I just got used to being here. What will happen to me?” 

“Oh, baby boy, I didn’t think--” Wade bit his tongue to keep from saying anything stupid. “I don’t really think--”

“I don’t want to die Wade!” Peter was panicking now. “I don’t want to leave you!” 

“Shhh, sugar buns. Its alright.” Usually the boy loved Wades names for him, and would blush and smile, but today it only set him off further. 

“No! No! I don’t want to! I like being here with you! If I go somewhere else Ill be so alone!” Peter cried. “You will be alone and I dont want that! I dont!” 

“Easy. Easy, baby boy. We will figure it out.” Wade reached for Peter, but his hands passed right through him and Peter nearly screamed when he couldnt make himself solid for ever a few seconds. 

“Wade!” 

****************

Wade didn’t quite know what to do with himself after Peter left. Or disappeared. Or poofed or whatever it was ghosts did.

It was weird-- one day he was there, and then the next day he was a little less there and then one morning Wade woke up and Peter was no where to be found. 

He hung a mirror in the hall, just in case Peter managed to find a way back, but it never happened. 

There’s wasn’t much to do without Peter to keep him company, so Wade started taking jobs again, traveling further and further from the States as he did, and the money from doing the mercenary thing was even better now that he was basically un-killable, so he took more and more jobs, amping up the danger because it was the only thing to keep him from thinking too much. 

Word got around of course, about the loud mouth Merc who didnt seem to die, and he caught the attention of the Avengers-- the too pretty to be real Tony Stark, and the slice of All American beef that was Captain America. Black Widow was fucking terrifying and Hawkeye was at least chill-- he and Wade could crack jokes behind the others back in sign language and that was fun. 

Every once in a while around the Avengers Tower Wade caught sight of an intern with thick brown hair and long legs and he always stopped himself from going after the kid. 

The intern couldn’t help that he looked like the ghost Wade had fallen in love with twenty years ago. 

(That was a weird sentence, even in Wade’s head.)

But then-- then-- Wade met Spiderman and was instantly in love. 

The kid was smart mouthed and sassy and fucking bendy and he flew through the air like he was on a damn trapeze and Wade loved it. Spidey teased him and wrestled with him and spent nights eating burritos back to back so they didn’t accidentally see each others face and it was the first time in a long time that Wade felt something close to normal.

“So you gonna bless me with your name, or should I start giving you nicknames?” Wade asked one night as they scarfed down chinese food. “I mean, I did save your life tonight. I think you owe me at least that much.” 

“At least my name?” Spidey snorted. “The hell you do.”  

“Have it your way, baby boy.” Wade said nonchalantly, and was surprised to realize that saying the nickname still made his chest tighten and his heart hurt a little bit.

He wouldn’t ever be over that ghost, would he?

“Spidey?” he asked, when the kid didn’t say anything. 

“Um. You could tell me your name?” The words were a little muffled, as if Spidey had pulled his mask back down. 

“Wade.” he said instantly. “You can call me Wade, or sir, or daddy, or whatever--ooph!” 

Wade fell over when the solid pressure of Spidey at his back disappeared, and he turned just in time to see the kid web off the roof and out into the dark. 

“Rude.” he sighed. “Kids these days.” 

******************************

Wade had never moved from his apartment. Partly for the sentiment, partly because he never really quit hoping Peter would come back, partly because he was too fucking lazy to move. 

But the building had all but been abandoned now, not the upscale apartments it had been thirty years ago, and Wade had most of the tenth floor to himself, which made it completely unexpected and fairly weird that someone knocked on his door sometime close to three am. 

“Who the fuck--?” he groaned and pulled himself out of bed, foregoing his mask because the only people around this time of night were cops or druggies and he had no problem shocking either of them. He had been dreaming about Peter again, and wondered irritably when that lovely habit would stop. It had been almost twenty five years at this point. 

Enough was enough. He was tired of feeling heart broken after all this fucking time. 

More knocking at his door and Wade dragged on a pair of pants and stomped towards the hallway. 

“What the fuck do you want?” he ripped his door open. “Who the hell-- Spidey?” he glanced down the empty hallway then back at the web slinger in front of him. “What are you doing here?” 

“Wade?” Spidey asked hesitantly, and the soft voice was so achingly close to Peter that Wade almost shut the door in his face. 

“Yeah.” Wade nodded, then motioned to his face. “Surprise. Sorry. What do you want? Usually Id be down for some Spider Booty but, baby boy its been a hell of a night so maybe you should--” 

“Wade.” Again, just as soft, and Spidey pulled his mask off right there in the hallway to stare up at him. “I cant believe you still live here.” 

Wade blinked down at him, down at Peter--

--and promptly shut the door. 

Then he nearly tore it off his hinges opening it again, and asked, “If I try to shoot you, will you bleed?” 

“Like a bitch.” Peter nodded and started laughing, even as tears slid down his cheeks. “I cant believe I didnt realize it was you all this time. I mean, I thought it was you, but I never knew your name, and you never took off your mask and then you called me baby boy and--�� 

He lunged forward like he wanted to kiss him, and Wade put a hand up to stop him. “Explain.” he demanded. “Right now.” 

“After I--poofed?” Peter offered. “I um... I was born. My soul was recycled or whatever, and I kept having flashes back to my other life and my time as a ghost and when I met you they started to get worse and then tonight you told me your name and its like all these memories came crashing back and--”

“You are talking really fast.” Wade pointed out, and Peter blushed and bit at his lip. 

“Sorry. I just-- I cant believe-- did you know it was me?” 

“Do I look like I knew it was you?” 

“Its me.” Peter nodded his head and reached for Wade’s hand to bring it to his cheek. “It’s me. I promise. I don’t understand why or how or anything like that, but Im right here. Im really here. You aren’t crazy.” 

He hesitated, twisted his mask in his hand anxiously. “Can you-- can you see me?” 

“Yeah baby boy.” Wade brought his other hand up to frame Peters face, rubbing his thumbs through the tears. “Yeah, I see you.” 

**********************************

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READ PART TWO!

[braxbeau]

childhood memory that haunts me

I was 7 years old when you came into my life, I was young and I was going to make mistakes but you saw it as a burden. I was 7 years old when you turned my own mother against me, and you wanted her all to yourself. it started off fun and nice. you would let me play video games in your office with you and you would take me to get food and say “shh don't tell your mom” it wasn't a creepy shh it was a “im here for you because im your new dad” but then after a few months I started to feel like you didnt like me anymore. it was small, being passive aggressive towards me, telling my mom what I did that you didnt like. then it started becoming mean and hurtful to the point where I didnt want to look you in the eye because you always gave me a hard glare that said “don't talk to me, I don't want you around” you never let me play games anymore and I didnt know what was wrong. halloween came around and I had gotten some “bad grades” I had b’s and one c. you convinced my mom to not let me go trick or treating. and now im 18 and I haven't since. you made the house so scary and cool and I wanted to help out but you wouldn't let me in the garage. after a few months I started acting out because I didn't know what else to do to get your attention.  thats when the punishments started. I had 10 minute timeouts and then 20,30, and then 2 hours. when that wasn't enough you told my mom to start hitting me. and she did. she would spank me over and over. I had to choose time out or spankings. and of course I chose spankings because I didn't want to spend 2 1/2 hours staring at a wall trying to use my imagination to take me away from where I was. the spankings hurt more than I can explain. mom used full force on me and I didn't understand why. years later I found out it was because you told her to. one Christmas I had to do practice math because I was getting terrible at school because between chores and punishments I couldn't do homework so I got grounded for not doing good. I was sitting at the table and I wanted to hang ornaments on the tree but mom said no, I had been a bad kid and needed to do work. 8 year old me thought that was absolutely ridiculous and I talked back. I talked back so much because I was tired of being pushed to do stuff I didn't feel like was necessary. mom slapped me across the face and I fell back and hit my head on the wall. mom didn't let up, she started yelling and telling me I was a bad kid and I didn't deserve to be apart of Christmas this year. I started crying because she had never talked to me that way before. after that they stopped eating dinner with me, and I had to make my own food. I did my own laundry, woke myself up for school, walked to school, came back, made food and was sent to my room as usual. my room became my safe place for a long time. after a while I got tired of constantly washing clothes so I stopped and them mom decided I didnt need to so she took away my chore to wash clothes and let me be gross. thats when I started to get bullied. I had gross hair because I didnt know how to properly take care of myself. I had a phobia of mirrors so I never saw how bad I looked. I tried to dress like a boy and at the time I thought it was because I was weird but here I am, transgender. I got picked on, shoved into lockers, called mean names and got beat up. I started stealing food because I didnt have time to make food for myself after getting yelled at to go to my room everytime I got home. then my parents started hiding food from me and making sure there was nothing sweet or something they wanted for them selves. after they realized I was stealing food they locked the cabinets and started to do “inspections” in my room. I lost my safe place after they took my door off. once a month at random times they would go into my room and tear EVERYTHING apart and then once they found something they would ground me, my groundings graduated from going to my room to sitting on the stairs. by this time they had moved my room from upstairs to the basement. so I sat with spiders and stared at a white wall until they said get up. I counted the time once and I had sat there for 6 hours not making a noise or going to the bathroom. one day after school I go home and Chris was in the garage, I asked my mom what he was doing and she said it was a surprise for me. I was excited and I was ready to see what my surprise was. then he came out with a huge wooden board and said this is your gift. I didnt know what it was and then he said “put your name right there.” I soon realized they were going to hit me with it. I started crying and that made them laugh. I don't remember being hit with it much because I tried to block it out but the worst thing that ever happened was Chris picked me up, a nd mom hit me with it everywhere on my body and then sent me downstairs. I got bullied because of my bruises so I had to leave. after I left my school I started going to the mountain home hacker middle school and there I got bullied again. I was better at taking care of myself and though I made some friends the bullying was still bad. Christmas came along and I got a radio from my real dad that played cd’s and the boise mix 106 station. I listened to them for hours on the weekend since my mother and Chris slept until 2 pm. when they got up I knew who was up by the sound of their steps. and that decided if I should go up there or not. when it was Chris he would wake up, pee, go downstairs and go into the garage and smoke. that took 7 minutes, he would come back inside, stare at the basement where I was, and then walk back upstairs to his office which was my old room. when mom woke up she got up, went to pee, came downstairs, got coffee, smoked which took 8 1/2 minutes and then went back upstairs or made breakfast for herself and then called me upstairs. once she woke up mad and I didnt know why and she called me upstairs and started YELLING at me so loud I thought my ears were gonna burst. she did something I wasnt expecting, she picked me up and slammed me on the ground and screamed “you're so fucking stupid!” and then walked off to the garage to smoke. I laid there and cried for a few minutes and then got up and walked to my room. I stayed down there on the floor crying for a long time. when my mom finally came inside she called me upstairs. as much as I flinched at her voice I walked up there and she looked at me, I had learned not to look her in the eyes or cry in front of her because it made her angry but she told me to look at her, when I did she started crying and then hugged me. she said the words I had been dying to hear since the whole thing started, she said she was sorry. that was the first and last time she ever said that. a few months later she tore up my favorite shirt and cut the end of my radio off so I couldn't listen to it anymore. that was when the depression skyrocketed. I started to hate everything and everyone and I was terrified of loud noises or movement towards me. by the time I was in 8th grade things got out of control. I had come out as lesbian and my mother was NOT having it. her and Chris thought I was a disgrace and absolutely hated me. i started cutting and stopped eating in the 7th grade but they didnt know about that. when my mother saw my cuts for the first time she screamed at me and called me pathetic and made me talk to a suicide hotline. the lady on the phone didnt care about anything. I had met a girl named Hana and I was infatuated with her because technically she was my first girlfriend . but she constantly hurt my heart. I was cutting really bad and my mom was making me sit on the stairs for hours again. then I met Malia. she made my days brighter and happier and she understood why I cut and helped me with it. but one day I relapsed and my mom saw and she drug me upstairs and got a wooden spoon and said “you want to feel pain? Ill give you pain” and smacked my still red and bruised arms 3 times as hard as she could w the spoon and then shoved me by the stairs. I cried as hard as I could and she looked at me like I was worthless. I told Malia and she made me feel safe. thats when I started running away and going to her house. one night after I got home from school mom came in and was yelling at me and I didnt understand why so she grabbed a fist full of my hair and shook my head back and forth to the point where I was dizzy and I thought my head was going to fall off. then she shoved me down and almost made me fall down the stairs. I tried killing myself 4 times that year and got admitted to a hospital 2 times. the third time made my mother bankrupt and I don't feel sorry for her to this day. after my second hospital trip my mom sent me to Texas with my grandma like very summer before and when I got there I decided to stay, even if it meant leaving Malia behind. that was the best and worst decision of my life still. but I got better. my mother divorced Chris and she got better too. she got help and things were fine until they weren't with my grandma. 

[thelifetimechannel]

[vexkader]

Solis Part 5

  An orange and yellow glow of an eastward sunset, shone over the sandy beach. A large hideaway full of lights blasted music. The synthetic sounds moved through my ears. The feeling of slightly sandy bamboo under my paws as I looked under this hideout, on the far side a full bar serving glowing drinks. 

  I looked around to see familiar yet aging faces, a few with their spouses as well. I wanted to try to talk to someone, but I felt so out-of-place here. This gut feeling that I'd rather be back at my ship. All other parties I've been to have been full of CEOs looking to talk business with me, not people catching up with their lives. 

  I moved carefully and quickly across the floor, making my way to the bar. Away from the humans and anthros dancing, talking, and laughing. Drinks, food, phones, all of them in their hands and paws. Groaning, I set myself at the bar, small blue and orange flames coming out around it. 

  "Anything you want?" The human bartender asked me, wiping the counter down from the last set of drinks served. The flames reflecting in its shine. 

  "Umm yeah, just give me a mountain jungle." I ask him quietly, looking around seeing who I could approach. My tail flicking gently behind me. 

  "Mhmm alright, don't do anything stupid now."

  "I can handle my drink." He starts to mix liquids, pouring this glowing brown and purple drink. Honestly hated how this thing looked, but the deep fruity flavors from Venus just hit everything right. Along with a hit of alcohol. Downing it, I could feel the burn in my throat. Putting the shot down I shake my face a bit. 

  As the shock of the drink wore off, I heard a voice at the other end of the bar. "Vex? That you? Where have you been all these years?" The booming voice startled me as I turn around to see a beastly sized human. Tanned skin and a dark blonde hair, he sets a beer down on the counter as he looked to me. 

  "Mhnn.. Kenneth right?" I asked, as I wasnt to sure on who this person was. To my surprise his eyes lit up, lifting his bear up in almost a celebration. "You remember! I'm kinda surprised to see you in a joint like this, how the hell did you get here?" He asks me, acting like we were longtime friends. Truthfully I only knew him from being occasional partners in group work. 

  "Well, the promise of free alcohol is usually a good way to get me out." I say with a half-joking laugh, even though that really was the reason I was out here. 

  "Cant argue with that I guess, what have you been up to man!" He takes a sip, turning the chair toward me as I prepared for an uncomfortable conversation. And as I tried to think of a convenient lie to tell him, as most of my work wasnt exactly legal.

  "I uh, do mostly free-lance retrieval. Ship goes down in the jungle, or some other place say on Earth or Mars I retrieve the data and whatever valuables I can find for the client."

  He nodded his head, at least pretending to be interested in what I was saying. "Mhmm okay, can seen a bit dangerous. You go into those jungles often?" 

  "I can yeah, was just in there the other day. Ran into slashers." His eye widened as he drank, looking like he was going to spit. "Salshers?! The hell kinda items are you retrieving?" 

  "Special ones, good pay though." 

  "I bet, I'm finishing up a degree in engineering. Not a masters or anything, but its gonna get me a good job on a few cargo ships. Already a job lined up for when I'm out on an Earth bound freighter."

  I nod, listening to his plans for life. Even if I was going to find someone to help me, it wasnt gonna be him. 

  "Nice seein ya Vex!" He gives me a pat on the shoulder, taking another drink. "You take care out in those jungles!"

  "I'll try my best."

  As he left to mingle with others, I kept an eye out. Others coming to say hello to me, and wanting to see what I've been up to. No one heard from me after graduation, one even thought I died. Which I can thankfully say I havent. However, one did catch my eye. 

  A brown and cinnamon furred coyote, almond-shaped icy eyes. Short not quite petite build. She strutted over in some casual clothing, over to the bar asking for a normal drink. Her name.. what was her name? 

  "Just have a cola please." She asked in a softer voice to the bartender, as he poured her a fuzzy drink. "Dont have a ride home?" He asks her as she shakes her head, sipping the drink. 

  She looked to me, a bit of shock in her eyes. "Vex?" She asks, setting down the drink. "That you? I never expected-"

  "Yes, it's me surprisingly." I interrupted, I was honestly getting tired of the question. "I didn't expect to be here either, yet I am!" 

  She smiles a bit, taking another drink. "It's good to see you though, highschool wasnt easy on you so it's good to see you here and looking decent."

  I felt awkward from the compliment, I was far from decent really. This old clothing I had was well below what most people were wearing, stained and muddied up from exploring planets. "Thanks I guess." I look away shyly, I wasnt here for this small talk. I hated this small talk shite! 

  "Oh jeez, you don't remember who I am do you?" She cocks her head, a sly smile almost laughing as she lifts her drink. "Friday remember? Friday Tisek?" 

  The name rushed back as I raised a finger, waving it a bit. "That's right, shite what did your parents do?"

  "Own a ship building company, BlueStar?" It all started coming back. While everyone was rich in my school, it was private after all, she was the rich of the rich. I mean hell, her parents sold ships and tech to the government and military sometimes. They had money, and of course that came with the thought of her being above everyone else. Come to think of it.. this may be what I need.

  "Right right, been on a few I believe, umm." I snap my fingers, thinking of the class of ship I was on. "Nova liners? They're a subsection right?" I ask her, my face puzzled. 

  She shakes her head, paws facing me as I had her interest. "Not really, they're more in good faith with mine. We occasionally share details, but that's about it really." 

  I nod, pretending I understood the business jargon of it all. "Ah, because I was on a cruise liner once for a trip around Mars. Very formal business you see." 

  Scoffing, she takes a moment to chew on some ice, swirling the rest around in her glass. The little spheres dancing about in the fizzy soda. "What kind of business do you run to take a line around Mars?" I told her it was mostly retrieval, leaving out my activities beyond the asteroid belt. 

  "Interesting, maybe you'd be up for some work for my father?" My ears perked, a job opportunity with some powerful friends with even more powerful friends? I'm all paws in. 

  "What kind of work is it?" I ask, leaning forward. 

  "You said retrieval right?"

  "I did." 

  "My father is holding a party for business associates and the like, seeing how you're a fan of them why don't you swing by. This weekend, I can forward you the details."

  I groan, not another party. I'd prefer she just give me his details, and not dance around the point. 

  "Any more information you can give me?" I tried to pry from her, hoping shed give. 

  "Hmm," She looked around the room, making sure no one was listening in. "Since you said retrieval, my father has bugged about something. Under Iceland."

  "Iceland?" My ears perk, whatever what could be so important in Earth's frozen north. Especially some island no one has lived on in centuries. 

  "Yes Iceland, I can't talk about it too much in the open." She tells me, looking around the patio to all the faces. 

  "Care to come back to my ship after this? I'd like to know a bit more before committing." 

  Groaning, she reluctantly agrees to come with me back to my ship. Honestly I wasnt a fan either, but a job is a job no matter who it's from. 

  We ordered a few more drinks, her another soda me some more alcohol. She tried small talk again, but honestly once business was over I had a hard time feeling it. 

  "No idea how you're able to handle drinks like that." She starts. "Last time I had alcohol I nearly threw it up."

  "Well, I mean I guess I'm just used to it. Always mixed the stuff myself."

  "Might've been the problem, I just had straight whatever it was. Burned the whole way, tasted terrible." She waves a paw, drinking from the soda. 

  I gave a slight chuckle, sipping on my drink. "Drinking straight was your first problem, gotta ease into it. Youd probably like something that has more taste to it than alcohol. Let's try something more customizable, and good for this beach."

  I order her a margarita, an old drink from Earth. Making sure the bar tender only put in a hint of alcohol. Trying it her eyes lit up, maybe not from taste however. "Well it's not terrible, kinda salty though." She licks her lips, her canine tongue trying to get the salty taste out of her mouth.

  "That's cause they salt the rim, after this one you want another without the salt?" She stops to think about my question, swirling the drink in her paws. Occasionally tapping a claw. "Sure why not, can't go that bad could it?" Taking another sip, she agreed to it. Leading to a long night ahead of us. 

  Unsurprisingly a lightweight, me and Friday probably drank for another hour. Or two. Getting a bit heavier and heavier, making the rest of the night an uneasy blur. 

  The things I do remember, I remember walking or more practically stumbling along the beach. As the sun set over the mountains beyond, the only light coming from the city and the party itself. Mine and Friday's paws sinking into the damp sand as we walked along. 

  Occasionally she touched a paw against mine, laughing at the smallest of things. One thing I'll give alcohol is I feel dumb enough to talk openly to people. A real confidence booster that one, although it very well leads to trouble for me. 

  As we stumbled back to the ship, I let her in. Making sure BB kept his AI mouth shut. From here things got really blurry, and I certainly don't remember talking about a job opportunity with her father. 

  

  

[8circles]

i finally got to see the national live!!

so after 6 years of falling in love with the national, i finally got to see them live yesterday!! this is gonna be super long lmao

since the national never come to my home country during tour, when they announced their tour i booked the tickets without even knowing whether i was returning to manchester or even the uk. so when i got my offer to return i was relieved af lmao. a once in a lifetime opportunity was worth the risk and anxious waiting LOL

anyway

seeing them live was like a whole new world for me. when bryce came out to perform with the opening act (who were very good!) i was so overwhelmed. this guy, part of the band i love so much, was right in front of my face!

(like literally, cause i ran in after getting my merch and managed to snag a place right at the barrier!)

ive watched tonnes of their live performances on video, but nothing prepared me for how great they were. since bryce was right in front of me i ended up paying most attention to him.. but then when hed play the piano aaron took his place and id end up paying attention to aaron... sorry matt, scott and bryan!!!!

of course matt is such a character that hed command your attention some way or another. i did make myself look at scott and bryan at points in time bc i love all of them! i found it super cute how scott and bryan (and at one point bryce) would hold like a shaker instrument and use it when theyre not playing their own instrument. its like theyre always gonna be involved somehow lmao.

at the beginning it felt a little detached compared to the bastille show i went to last year. but i dont blame them or think its bad, cause at bastille’s dan would stand close to the stage while matt prefers to hang about with the band. its just two different performers. it kind of made me think that i was watching the national perform in their own world.. until matt stopped midway through empire line and asked security to help someone.

at that point it kind of hit me that wow, actually we're in the same space! like im not actually watching them in their own world, like im there too! and theyre not in their own space either, theyre watching us too! and of course, how nice of matt to stop because someone wasnt okay 😭 he started all over again once he made sure they were okay. by the end he said "just some problems with dehydration. stay cool!"

and he threw a plastic pint across the theatre and i got some white wine on me. LOL. at another point he threw a red solo cup so hard i think it hit the opposite wall cause there was a super loud sound. then he went on to say "...one day..." during the last song he brought out a bottle of white wine or prosecco on stage but said he said couldn’t open it because it was corked and it was hard to open those on stage with his teeth(!!!) he asked for another bottle and smashed the corked one on the ground. i love drunk matt so much.

bryce is so interesting to watch tbh. he keeps changing guitars lmao. i got so excited every time he brought out the blue one, bc i had a super clear view of his bow hanging from his mic stand and i was like "vanderlyle?????"

in the end they didnt play it, but no matter! they played so many good songs that i cant complain. my jaw hit the floor when they played hard to find cause i wasnt expecting that at all! i kept saying "oh my god" when i heard the chords lmao. it was so beautiful. i remembered the interview where one of the twins said they think hard to find is one of the most beautiful songs theyve ever written. i felt so honoured that i could listen to it live! they also played this is the last time - my favourite off twfm! i think a lot of people in the theatre love that song too! we were all shouting “it takes a lot of pain to pick me up” together. 

of course they played standard classics too. it felt so good to sing along to bloodbuzz and i need my girl. i kind of expected they were gonna play england since it was their first show in england for this tour so when aaron started playing the chords i was super happy. mr november was the best in terms of crowd involvement, you could hear everyone shouting I WONT FUCK US OVER together. conversation 16, too.. everyone screaming "CAUSE IIIIMM EEEVILLLL" was so much fun. slow show and apartment story were so great live as well. singing “SO WORRY NOT ALL THINGS ARE WELL” was so wonderful. during fake empire the twins did the guitar thing as they always do. i was so happy! 

tbh when i was there i mostly felt out of place since most of the people there were white hipsters and they came with their friends/partners so i barely talked to anyone, but singing all the classics live made me forget all of that awkwardness.

the new album was good live too. carin at the liquor store is my fave off the album and it sounded so beautiful live. matt went one octave higher during turtleneck and he sounded so clear. i was actually so surprised at how clear and almost rasp-free he sounded! we shouted “great uncle valentine jester” during day i die, it was so great!  they dedicated apartment story and born to beg to a lady who took care of them while they were in manchester. the opening act luluc came out and sang with them during born to beg. it was beautiful and perfect! ive been falling in love more and more with born to beg with each listen, and the live performance really sealed the deal with how much i love it.

terrible love was the last song off the setlist and it’s my first favourite song from the national so listening to it live was like coming full circle of some sort. during that song (and mr. november) matt went out and leaned over the barriers so that people could reach out and hug him. during terrible love he was super close to me, but i was too scared to touch him cause so many people were clinging onto him already but he was literally right there! he also stood at the edge pretending to fall from the other side. a member of the audience hugged his knees to stop him from falling!

bryce kind of smiled at my general direction at one point when he was setting up his guitar. the girl next to me blew kisses at him, i wish i did or said something too, but honestly i just stood there and melted into a puddle. during fake empire bryce went to play the piano so aaron was on my side of the stage and he waved at my general direction when they finished. a double whammy! matt came over to our side of the stage during turtleneck and screamed the chorus at us. it was so surreal. waiting for two hours outside in the cold and rain was definitely worth the place right in the front.

of course i have a soft spot for the twins, so seeing them live was the best part of my night. bryce (and at some points aaron) being in front of me was a dream come true. it’s no doubt that bryce is fantastic at guitar, but hearing him live and actually picking up the way he plays with my own ears was really something else. not only his playing, but also how he was using all the different guitars and using the mics on them and all the different pedals - it was all like a work of genius. i didn’t really get to see aaron’s artistry since his stuff was on the opposite side of the stage and he played more piano (which was on his side of the stage) but i could clearly see him playing when matt stepped back and let the twins perform guitar together. i caught him smirking at bryce on multiple occasions. i ascended each time. 

it was obvious that bryce was the more shimmery, flashy player when it came to guitar, so i tried to distinguish their styles of piano too! maybe it’s just me, but i think aaron has a deeper sound and bryce has a sharper sound! maybe that’s why they take turns for specific songs. regardless, they were so great, playing together and separately. i admire them greatly since they have so many projects and interests and even though their musical interests differ, they end up intertwining. seeing them live really showed that tbh!

it was the best night of my life. i wish i could be going to today’s show as well, but unfortunately i don’t have the money for that! anyway, everything ive always dreamed of already came true when i managed to stand right in the front and watch the national in all their glory perform live. i never expected to be right in the front - literally at the barrier - but i was! and it was worth the two hour wait in the cold without any food (this was my fault for forgetting to eat before coming, but it was worth it tbh!). hopefully i’ll be able to go for another concert if possible because that was probably the best experience ive ever had.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

sometimes the wild thing with depression is looking back and trying to figure out when it started and never really being able to draw a line for anything like "this was the earliest age it All Began(tm)," probably because there's not generally such an On-Off Switch type process to it. i know usually circa ten yrs old or later in the teens is usually what people point to but sometimes more of a period of exacerbation rather than origin, and who can say it's not also having the emotional and psychological capabilities and capacities that young children don't that bring a greater sense of perspective and awareness, idk anyways so i'm not sure if i was ever not-depressed or anything....i know i was always uncomfortable outside what was familiar and "shy" and i know that as soon as i was around other kids in a way more socially organized than running around together, namely preschool at 4 yrs old, i was aware of not feeling like i fit in and noticing i couldnt make friends like other people could. ive been good at bs-ing school from the start and happen to pick up things very quickly so even though i probably had the same habits as kids with the worst grades and had no particular ambitions re: academia (beyond avoiding parental wrath and later maintaining the identity that kinda protected me a bit in school) since i got really good grades and was quiet and pretty much just read in a corner when left to myself from kindergarten through middle school, i was probably considered a usually ideal student. i remember a couple of people who i felt i was genuinely friends with, a kid named michael who i think went to a different school after a couple of grades, and a kid named jacqueline in 2nd grade who was like me so quiet in retrospect i'm not sure if she knew much english but we played legos together and stuff but then we got in trouble for not paying attention during not even a lesson but i had to move seats b/c arbitrary Making An Example and since we were both so quiet we just didnt interact much anymore to avoid further attention. i made other friends technically but generally it took a long time to be comfortable with them and we were never close and in the meantime i dont think i ever much liked school. i remember one random sunday evening just getting upset about not wanting to go back the next day just because it was boring and meantime at home of course it sucked but i didnt quite realize it til i was older and it helped of course being young enough to be able to go outside for hours and be perfectly entertained playing in the dirt and trees and stuff. i read a lot at home too i remember having pretty skeptical thoughts about Life from earlyish on but, besides spending a crap ton of time just in my own head (reading, playing in dirt) i think i had ideas that life and the world was pretty amazing. like earlier on of course it was like "is magic real??" but then later its just stuff like reading in books about how kids had good friends and families and got to pursue their interests and do things and work out drama and have nice endings with a lot of hope for the future. for all i could tell the only thing keeping that from being my life was that i wasnt old enough, or probably i hoped that it was just a matter of time. it was less like i was extrapolating from my own limited observations of the worse aspects of life that life must be great and more like i was already noticing that my world was lacking and just hoping that it would grow out of it; not to mention being given the hint that stuff like abuse was my own fault and shortcomings i started getting more aware of being fed up with things / that they weren't inherently going to change around like late elementary school / middle school but it would take another year or two to really get the extent of it, and in the meantime by 14 or 15 at the latest i was consciously suicidal so like, moving fast there. i probably by that point had already caught on to the fact that my world had just been kind of shitty and that it wasnt going to change or seem better after a certain amount of time like i'd thought it would. and then add also having a better understanding of the rest of the world just by being older and getting more experience and realizing that its a lot more chaotic than initially taught to you and that being depressed and having developed few interests and zero ambitions and having antagonistic parents and very few friends doesnt do much to give you as much a cushion from that chaos as it could tangent: honestly i like programs that teach instructors how to recognize things that look like Behavior Issues as maybe more being signs of external issues. i wasnt the best at paying attention and i was often quiet in school whether in class or not and it mightve been a problem if i didnt get good grades but since i did i could just be in the background. i don't particularly resent this or anything because i know how teaching is and i myself didnt really understand i had serious problems at home until much later, but in retrospect i think i always had signs. i remember one particular incident when i was about 8 really shouldve been a bit of a warning sign. i know nobody can really do anything even if they know things are bad but considering i had to learn what abuse looked like by myself and i didnt feel supported by any adult and even when i knew what was going on when i was much older i still just didnt tell anyone in any position of authority because i had learned i had to protect myself by keeping personal things totally confidential and that if i exhibited any signs of struggling i would be blamed and chastised for it. wouldve been nice to at least be informed what was going on at an earlier time and maybe given some sense of confidence or at least a sense it wasn't completely my fault. turns out what gave me any ounce of confidence at all was being like 19 and being so blamed and maligned that it backfired and i started feeling like if i was as awful as i was made out to be then surely i didnt need to feel ashamed and responsible for everything that was being done to me. if i already deserved to be dead then what more could i bring on myself by daring to be so terrible as to feel i shouldnt be treated like i was! checkmate atheists anyhow, i feel like my Good Concepts About The World kind of evolved from "later on everyone has adventures" to "later on everyone goes to middle school / high school and makes friends and bonds with their family and follows their dreams" to something just more vaguely escapist with abstracted ideas about simply feeling comfortable and nice, with maybe general imagery, usually like summer sunsets or just some nice stars or something. i thought about it once and it made a lot of sense, thinking about stuff in terms of the concept of feeling ok and good things existing in the world and being able to sense it despite it also being at a distance or otherwise removed like dont get me wrong just because i wanna be dead i dont have some kind of notion that everyone else's experience of life is the same as mine i.e. that life and/or the world is inherently shit, i know its no more objectively bad than it is objectively good. i still like to think about the good side of all of it. i think its a total mistake to have the idea that if someone is suicidal or even just depressed that it necessarily has anything to do with what they think of the philosophy of the concept of Life, its more personal and immediate than that. honestly i hate all the advice about how you need to write a poem for your suicidal friend to teach them the magic of life or do some otherwise melodramatic bad y.a. novel shit that'll give them a New Perspective on the wonders of life literally overnight. not only is it always disgustingly patronizing and often counterproductively Tough Love-esque but also totally like unrelated to the root of the problem of "what if i'm worried about a friend making a suicide attempt." if you're personally wanting to do something i s2g literally just provide a distraction. talk about random shit or play online scrabble or go over and make midnight snacks, not like set a flower on fire while dropping a porcelain teapot on the floor and lecturing them about how this Doesnt Solve Any Problems or is a permanent solution to a temporary problem like no. just be a distraction jfc and dont insult anyone by generalizing their experience and guessing at what's probably an extremely complex and personal matter and turning it into empty clichés anyways: this was the longest way to get to the idea that isnt it wild when, like how you can Hear a sound in your head and despite recreating it decently its different from actually hearing it externally, you can sometimes remember what it was like to feel nice about the concept of life? i cant really summon earlier things but sometimes i can remember flashes of having those later sad-person-in-their-own-head moments of thinking of distant abstract concepts like seeing the sky as a medium for connection to the infinite experiences of humanity, and i can get like the equivalent of a visual image of a recreated feeling from back when i still had a few lingering overly-optimistic notions that things would be good soon. don't get me wrong, again im still aware of the good things in life and i still have good experiences and still feel good feelings. but i dont harbor expectations that the course of life must and will average itself out or lean towards improvement for any reason, like knowing that good things happening to you out of the blue is the same as how terrible things can happen for exactly the same reason—namely no reason at all. so i just dont have the same feelings i used to about my own personal life, and i dont feel the things i used to when i hoped it still could be Only A Matter Of Time. so its wild when for some reason i mentally stumble on the memory of having those feelings and theyre still recent enough that i get a moment of recreating the feeling like i do when i can picture something in my head, and its totally different and dissonant than what's currently true for me. it wasn't a more accurate perspective to think that life being bad meant it had to improve, but its obviously a nicer feeling. and it sounds like overused to the point of meaningless comparison but its like getting your head above water for a second in terms of the momentary contrast of sensation tldr its wild when you depressioning 24/7 and dead inside and have an instant of remembering What It Was Like To Feel Things

[amuelle]

Let that man/ woman/ girl/ boy SUFFER!!! Part 2.

He was quite. As if his voice had been stolen. Beads of sweat started to form on his forehead . I sat on the bed looking straight at him.  He was going to find his fucking voice and answer me. So I asked again. “Who is she?” For a moment it had seemed his world had stopped and now it had sped up and he was struggling to catch his breath. He shifted uncomfortably. Moved his glasses up the bridge of his nose, made a dismissive gesture with his hand and said “No one”.

NO ONE???! She couldn’t fucking be NO ONE. She was some-FUCKING-body!!! I had read the messages on his Facebook. I knew exactly who she was. She was the girl he was having unprotected sex with  and the reason why every time we were in Maseru he acted like he always had no time to see me during school holidays. She got the good morning and good night texts. I got the good morning and good night kisses. He lived with me. 18 months dating and only after 6 months living together and discovering those messages did I learn I was the side.….I….WAS…THE…SIDE.

The previous academic year had not gone well for him at all. He hadn’t passed most of his modules and got excluded. He lost “everything”. (As much as you can lose as a student, anyway). I had been blindsided when he asked if he could stay with me. I was content watching him suffer, he had to go through what he had to go through and that’s life. His appeal to me sounded logical. He appealed to the side of me that wanted to be a dutiful girlfriend. I thought I wanted to be that type of girl (retrospectively…miss me with that. I’d rather be paid sipping lemonade in the shade, miss me with suffering for affection). Either way, my dumb ass I let him move in.

My room at res was glorious. It was twice the size of every other room on the floor and had two of everything. Two wardrobes, two desk, two shelves and the space that was meant for another bed was bare. Just spacious enough for two but it was meant for one. It was meant for ME. After all the things I had gone through in my varsity life I should have kept it that way but no, nice Amo let him move in and then I discovered that my make-believe house was built on sand and the tide had come to wash it away…

He had really said she was “NO ONE”. I should have kicked him out right then and there but I was hopeful we could work things out. He was a hoe, a low down dirty hoe living here for free.  I should have ditched the bitch. Perhaps I thought she was really was no one, but the crazy….my crazy had taken hold. From that evening of the confrontation every morning while he was in the shower I would check his phone. All the messages got a light skim read. It was the conversation with his best friend that got a good three minuet read. I had to time it well. From the minuet he left to hop in the shower I would leave a five minuet window in which he could possibly come back because he forgot something. If the five minutes passed then I knew I had a whole ten minutes just me and his nokia. At the time going through his phone seemed more logical than just breaking up with him and kicking him out. I never found anything of use and I never got caught either. I was looking for something solid but what was more solid than my own intuition? I already knew who and what she was and most importantly WHAT I WASN’T.

I couldn’t let go! I needed deep in my soul to make him suffer. He deserved to feel something and so with cruel intention I made sure he did. For the next 30 days I would randomly get dressed in my sluttiest outfits, put on some lipstick and heavily line my eyes finishing it off with three coats of mascara. Put on a pair of heels and as he came back from evening lectures, tired and expecting to find dinner and comfort, he would come to find me spritzing myself with perfume and heading out. He would ask where I was going and I would always reply “Just out with friends, Nothing big. We might go to Florida road, I don’t know”. Nothing big randomly during the week? Florida road on a Tuesday? Nothing big, huh?….He would always give me a look, grunt and continue about his business. Then clikity clak I’d walk out and make sure I told him to cook something and most importantly NOT to wait up! At my pettiest he came back from lectures to find me trying on shoes and when he asked where they came from i smiled coyly to myself and said they were a gift from a friend. It wasn’t by birthday and nothing special had happened I had just bought them for myself and I figured Id really drive the steak through is heart. (cue 80s soap opera villain smile and dramatic exit)

Most times I wasnt even going anywhere special, just downstairs to a friend’s room to complain about not knowing what to do because I couldn’t just kick him out. Id rationalise by saying to myself he had nowhere to go. The truth is I had let him stay because I had wanted it all to be a terrible nightmare. One where I would wake up from and we could go back to playing house. Where he was my loving boyfriend who imagined our wonderful life together as I did. The relationship was flawed from the beginning. Me a budding feminine feminist and him a young man unaware of how patriarchy had hurt and used him. He had incredibly misogynistic views. I would laugh away his flaws and ignore his insulting remarks about women because I couldn’t understand why they hurt me, I just knew that they did. But one day, it all changed. (Cue dramatic music)

I had been on the phone with my best friend retelling this awful ordeal I was going through. She asked me in her serious voice. “You let him stay?” I told her the lies I had told myself and then she asked why I was ignoring the truth and the depth of his betrayal. That day after lectures, I strolled back to my building taking in the humid air, feeling the warm sun on my back and thinking for the first time that maybe just maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t let him stay with me. I remember how much I loved the purple dress I was wearing that day. The halter neck straps always dug into my neck a little bit but it was nothing I couldn’t ignore. Not like this, this I couldn’t ignore, it gnawed at my soul, distracted me and made me wonder if I even had any business trying to be so much to someone else when he didn’t set my soul on fire.  Six flights of stairs later, back in my glorious room looking out the window pensive. I could see clear to the ocean, how wonderful it would be to live here ALONE!! And the clarity came.

I had brought a cursed person into my home and now I had to get them OUT!!!!

Bisou...bisou...

See. Full circle....