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senseless-writing · 2 years

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Unforgiving Anxieties

Pairing: Bradley “Rooster” Bradshaw x wife!reader

Summary: Rooster has to leave again, which isn’t something new. But this time, he’s leaving his wife with a baby at home, and Y/n isn’t sure if she can handle the stress that comes with parenting all by herself.

Warnings: Small spoilers for Top Gun: Maverick. LOTS of angst, but plenty of fluff to back it up

A/N: WOAH. Not the Witcher, and not an OC? Who am I?? Idk guys, but this has been on my mind for days, so I just had to write it. Let me know what you think :)

Masterlist

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Rooster thought he would have more time before his work pulled him away from his family again. Truly, he did. But things never worked out the way you wanted them to, and such was even more true for aviators in the US Navy.

Still, it never got better. To kiss his wife goodbye, hold her close, and promise “yes, baby, I’ll be safe,” “no, honey, I won’t put myself in any unnecessary danger,” was harder than any dogfight he’s ever been in. She’d pretend not to cry, he’d pretend not to notice, and he’d always leave with the same thought in the back of his mind that maybe, just maybe, flying wasn’t worth leaving her time and time again.

But then came Elijah. And for a while, at least, things were different.

Elijah Nicholas Bradshaw was the light of his parents' lives. Nearly six months old, no baby was more doted on them him. With a closet full of mini Hawaiian shirts to match his daddy, and an unlimited amount of affection from Y/n, the kid seemed to have a permanent smile on his face. Rooster even had to upgrade his phone to unlimited storage to make room for all the photos he took.

But paternity leave for the Navy was only twenty-one days. Eventually, he had to go back to work, and it tore him apart to leave every day, even if he got to return at the end of the night. It was hard, almost indescribable, but manageable.

Until now. Things were different now. He’d been called back to Top Gun without so much as an explanation as to why he had to leave his wife and half-year-old baby, other than the small detail that it was most definitely a dangerous mission.

He could’ve said no. Should’ve said no. But then he thought of his father, thought of how close he got to having him back whenever he was in the air, and remembered why he loved doing what he did. So instead, the Bradshaws went through the motions yet again. Except this time, Eli was in his mother's arms as Rooster said goodbye.

“Please be safe,” she mumbled against the crook of his neck, the pair clinging to one another on their front porch. He could feel the subtle drops of tears against his skin, but he pulled her closer and pretended not to notice. Elijah giggled at the feeling of being squished between his parents.

Rooster pressed a rough kiss to his wife’s head. “I will.”

“And keep me updated,” she spoke quickly, her words full of anxiety. “I know most of it is classified, but I just want to know-”

He gently pulled her away from his chest, cupping the sides of her neck to angle her face towards his own. “Breathe, baby,” he sighed, urging her to do the same. His thumbs brushed across the apples of her cheeks to rid them of tears, though he knew it was a futile attempt. “I will tell you everything I can, okay? I promise.”

His wife nodded up at him, her tears mixing with the fear and despair and pride and something he couldn’t recognize swirling in her eyes.

Rooster cracked her a smile, a dull sort of chuckle falling from his lips. “Hey,” he whispered against her lips. “No crying for me, baby. It’s just a classroom. The only thing I’ll suffer from is sunburns and acute boredom.”

It was a lie, and they both knew it. But it brought out a watery laugh from his Y/n all the same.

When she was done laughing, and he was done admiring her, the look on her face was something akin to determination. “Here’s what's gonna happen,” she spoke to him softly. These words were only for him and their little family of three. “You’re gonna go, and you’re gonna learn whatever it is they think they can teach you. And then you’re gonna complete this super-secret mission that everyone wants to pretend isn’t happening. And when it’s all said and done, you’ll come home to me. To us. Got it?”

This was the wife he knew. Strong and fearless and overly demanding.

He loved it.

“Yes ma'am,” he said with a smile, still holding her face close to his.

After a moment, he decided to move on to the baby in her arms. Eli, ever the mama’s boy, grumbled a little about the movement, but quickly settled against his father's chest. Rooster was immediately pressing kisses to his cheeks.

“And you, my little man. Are you gonna be good for mama while I’m away? You have to, being the man of the house and all. You gotta look after our girl.”

Y/n tucked herself into his side as she watched, and Rooster wrapped his free arm around her.

“Don’t grow too much while I’m away,” he whispered into his son’s ear, and that made Y/n laugh softly again.

“It’s only a couple of weeks, Roos.”

“Babygirl, he’ll be six months by the time I get back. I’m missing a milestone.”

“There’ll be more.”

Rooster wasn’t sure if he liked how casually she said that. As if the idea of him not being there for every important moment in their lives, of him missing the memories worth making, was something she’d already made peace with. But he didn’t have too much time to dwell on it, not with her practically shoving him towards his running car. It felt like forever, and it felt like seconds, them saying goodbye. But time passed, as it always did, until he was driving away with clenched fists and a heavy heart.

He didn’t regret his job, and he knew his wife didn’t either. But sometimes, none of that mattered.

It still sucked.

----------

“You look like you haven’t slept in days, honey.”

“Wow, Roos, you really know the way to a girl's heart.”

“You’re always beautiful, Y/n, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she sighed, brushing some stray hair away from her face. The bun she wore wasn’t holding much at this point, and though her eyes were still sparkling as they normally did when on a face time call with her husband, the bags underneath them were hard to miss. “Well, you’re not completely wrong. Eli is supposed to be sleeping in his own room from now on, which means I spend most of the time in there instead of in bed.”

Rooster shifted his phone from one hand to the other with a concerned look on his face. The tip of his nose was burnt from the San Diego sun, and Y/n couldn’t help but smile at how cute he looked. “Is he not sleeping well?”

“No, he’s sleeping fine. It’s me who can’t settle down.”

His eyebrow lifted in question, and Y/n let out another sigh.

“I just have this feeling,” she admitted, somewhat embarrassed. “That if I’m not watching him at all times, he’ll stop breathing. Which is irrational, but I literally can’t turn my brain off. I won’t sleep even if I do lie down, so I might as well watch him.”

Rooster immediately felt horrible. Worse than the 200 push-ups he’d been forced to do last week, or the uphill climb Mav was teaching them. It was like he had one job, one real job, and he wasn’t able to do it.

“Y/n,” he struggled to find the words.

“I know, I know. It’s stupid.”

Another punch to the gut.

“I should be there. It’s a tough transition, and meant to be a two-person job.”

Her eyes were all-knowing, and what Rooster wanted more than anything in the world was to drown in them. “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.”

“I’m supposed to be with you,” he said with a pout.

“You will be,” she giggled. “In a few weeks from now, when you’re done doing whatever it is you're doing. Maybe by then, I’ll be a little more chilled out.”

“Stop saying that. It’s okay to be nervous. Can’t you call your mom, see if she’ll watch him for a bit so you can sleep?”

“I could…” she seemed unsure, and Rooster rubbed his face in discomfort.

Something told him his wife wasn’t being completely honest with how much this was affecting her. She didn’t trust anyone with their son that wasn’t herself right now, and he feared she would run herself into the ground before asking for help. And he wanted to offer it. He wanted to say that he was there for her, that he would help her in any way he could.

But he wasn’t there for her, and he couldn’t help. So what was he to do, other than offer useless words?

“Please just try, baby, okay?” he said instead, hoping whatever he said would be enough. “Your mom's great, and I’m sure she’d love to spend some time with Eli. Just have her promise to wake you if anything seems off.”

Her nose scrunched at the idea, but she nodded all the same. “Alright, I’ll give it a shot. Does that ease your mind at all?”

“I was hoping it would ease yours.”

“You’re impossible, Bradley Bradshaw, do you know that?” she rolled her eyes at him.

“Impossibly in love with you, Y/n Bradshaw.”

She laughed at him for that. A full-out belly laugh that shook the camera within her grasp, and Rooster couldn’t help but laugh with her. He thought she was absolutely stunning when she was like this. Carefree and happy and amused by something stupid he’d said. And, with utmost certainty, he knew he’d continue to make a goddamn fool of himself for the rest of their lives if it kept her this way.

“I miss you, baby,” he said once their laughter died down.

“What, your flying buddies aren’t good enough company?”

Rooster thought of Hangman, an ultimate pain in the ass with all bark and no bite. And he thought of Pheonix, who picked on him for fun, and Bob, who almost seemed to not understand the meaning of the word.

They were his friends, and he loved them. But they weren’t his wife.

“Nobody’s better than you, sugar bear.”

“Ugh, you know I hate when you say that.”

“I know,” he teased. “I just wanted to see your face scrunch up like that when I did.”

“You know what Bradshaw? I’m going to bed.”

“Promise?” he said with a somewhat serious edge to his voice.

She smiled up at him. “Mhm, it’s straight to dreamland for me. Eli’s already asleep, and I checked on him right before you called.”

The angle of her phone dropped to focus on the baby monitor at her side. It was a grainy picture, but the view of his son's wild sandy hair as he slept peacefully was enough to make Rooster’s heart soar.

“Alright, baby, I won’t keep you then. I love you.”

“I love you too. Be safe, okay?”

“I will.”

----------

It would be two more weeks before Rooster was reunited with his wife. As soon as he landed (rather roughly) on the carrier, he was calling her to let her know that the mission was over, and he was on his way home. She asked how it went, he said “as smooth as a car crash,” and she laughed and laughed until tears were slipping from her eyes.

The reunion itself, despite the seriousness of the situation, wasn’t nearly as tearful as one may think. In fact, they never were when it came to the Bradshaws. Goodbyes were miserable, but hellos were all smiles and laughs and dancing in the kitchen to music that wasn’t there. And at the end of the day, they ate dinner on their back porch and marveled at their son, who was too busy rubbing dirt on his face to notice how happy his parents were.

But with the night came anxiety. They put Elijah to bed together, with the baby in Y/n’s arms and Y/n in Rooster’s. It was everything she’d wanted for weeks, but it couldn’t ease her aching heart. When Rooster directed his wife to bed, she couldn’t help but worry.

Her brain wouldn’t turn off.

Rooster could feel it throughout the night. Every 45 minutes or so, even with his consciousness muddled by sleep, he noticed her slipping out of bed. Quietly, as if she didn’t want to wake him, but that didn’t matter. He was attuned to his wife’s every movement, even in sleep. Which meant that every time she pulled herself out of his arms to go check on their son, he layed awake, waiting for her to return.

It was the fifth or sixth time that he finally decided to say something.

“Honey?” he said groggily, pulling her back against his chest when he felt her move to get up. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothings wrong,” she whispered back. “I just want to make sure Eli’s okay.”

“He looks fine, baby, see? On the monitor, he’s sleeping like…well, like a baby.”

Y/n didn’t laugh at his joke, barely even cracked a smile. Her hands were still gripping the comforter, itching to stand and check for herself. Rooster couldn’t think of the words to ease her mind, not when he knew they didn’t exist. He wanted her to rest, and there was only one way she would.

“How about I go check on him, hm? You stay here, and I’ll make sure everything’s alright.”

“No, no, no, that’s okay, I can just-”

“Y/n,” he shushed her, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “I’m back now. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. Let me go check.”

She nodded to him as he rose, though he could tell she wasn’t fully convinced. With light feet, Rooster padded across the carpeted floors, all the way to the room across from theirs. White noise echoed from the crack in the door, and he pushed it open slightly to slip into the room.

He was immediately drawn to the crib in the far corner. Before he could realize it, a smile was spreading across his drowsy face. His perfect boy was fast asleep, sprawled on his back with arms and legs strewn haphazardly around him.

Y/n said that Eli slept as he did. Rooster always pretended not to agree with her.

He laid his hand flat on his son's chest, the baby still so small that it nearly covered him entirely. He could feel Eli’s chest rise, up and down and up and down. It was smooth and easy, and although Rooster hadn’t been worried for a second, the small part of his brain still relaxed at the feeling. So he leaned down, pressed a soft kiss to his chubby baby cheeks, and made his way back to their bedroom.

He found his wife sitting up in bed as she anxiously watched the monitor. “He’s all good, baby,” he reassured her, climbing in bed and moving the monitor back to its rightful place on their bed stand. “Let's go back to sleep.”

She let out an uncomfortable sigh, as if she didn’t completely believe him. He reached out to her, then, and pulled so her back was to his chest. “Come here, come here, come here,” he chanted softly, and she giggled at his foolishness. “Please sleep.”

She pushed herself deeper into his arms as he pressed kisses to the back of her head. “Okay,” she relented. Rooster could feel her settle, and God in heaven, he hoped she stayed that way.

But she didn’t.

With Rooster asleep, Y/n was left alone with her thoughts. It started slowly, at first. Little pricks of anxiety that spread through her brain like vines on a tree. But little by little, it grew. It grew until her fears were the only things she could think about, and even the arms wrapped around her waist weren’t enough to pull her back to Earth.

Instead, horror stories flooded her brain. Fears of SIDS cases after six months, of waking up to a blue baby and realizing it was her fault they lost the one thing that meant more to them than anything else in the world. Because she was the mother, she was the one who should know when something was off, right?

She could feel it in her soul, right down to the aching heart and burning skin. It was that sense that everyone tells you about, the sense that alerts you to a disturbance in your child. Her baby was alone right now, alone and scared and hurting because something is most definitely wrong.

Y/n tried to pull herself from Rooster’s arms. Who cares if he checked less than ten minutes ago, because I’m the mom and I know my baby needs help. But the man was just too goddamn persistent, even in sleep, and had the muscles to back it up. So if he wanted her to stay put, that’s where she would be.

She was quickly running out of patience, though, and so was her anxiety. Her chest was heavy with dread, her airway closing as panic began to run its course. And suddenly, it was no longer I need to see if my baby is okay, but instead, I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe.

“Rooster,” she wheezed, squeezing his wrist where it lay firmly on her stomach.

The man didn’t so much as flinch, and Y/n tried again to grab his attention. “Bradley!”

Her nails were digging into his skin at this point. That was what awoke him first. However, he quickly noticed the quivering mess that was his wife in his arms. “Woah,” he struggled to understand what could have happened in the short time since he fell asleep. “What’s wrong, what happened?”

Rooster sat up to get a better look at his wife’s face. It was covered in tears and flushed from what seemed to be a lack of oxygen, a look that he’s seen hundreds of times on panicking aviators. Her mouth opened and closed like a fish gasping for air as she tried to explain, but all that came out were desperate sobs.

“Please,” she breathed out, and he shushed her as best he could. With his arms, with his lips, and with his words; he wasn’t sure what other kind of comfort he could offer.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. Take your time, breathe, and tell me what’s wrong.”

She cried harder again, and he cradled her head close to his chest.

“You’re going to make yourself sick, baby. Relax,” he nearly begged her. He felt like cold water had been dumped over the both of them with the way they shook. Her with fear, and him with confusion. “Everyone’s okay.”

“No!” she burst out through quivering lips. “No we’re not, Eli’s not okay! I need to see him right now, Roos, something isn’t right.”

“We just checked on him-”

“You checked on him! I need to check on him! Please, please just help me. I need-”

“Wait here,” he said suddenly, springing from their bed.

Y/n called after him, wanting to follow, but her legs were too shaky to stand. She wasn’t used to feeling this helpless; had never allowed herself to. But now, with anxiety plaguing her in a way it never had before, the invincible strength of “military wife” was collapsing around her like a fragile house of cards.

By the time Rooster rushed himself back to their room, his wife was lost to a puddle of tears and exhaustion. He couldn’t quite describe the hazy look he saw in her eyes, and wasn’t sure if he’d be able to ease it.

But maybe Elijah could.

“Here honey,” he hushed in a frantic tone. “Look for yourself. He’s perfectly fine, see?”

Y/n’s shaking hands reached out to hold their now wide awake son, but Rooster was admittedly nervous that she would drop him. So instead, he simply raised the baby closer to her chest, moving until the three of them were huddled together on the bed.

It was easy to see that Elijah was confused as to why he was now awake. His cute little eyebrows even furrowed in child-like confusion, an expression that his parents would laugh at for years to come. But the poor boy never cried. His patience was a mystery to all.

Rooster used the arm that wasn’t holding Eli to tuck Y/n’s head against the crook of his neck. He breathed deeply, hoping that it would encourage her to do the same. Her arms clung to him and the baby nestled between them, and her trembling failed to cease, even after 20 minutes of him pressing soothing kisses to her temple.

“Y/n?” he whispered softly, lips still pressed to her head. “Can you hear me?”

He knew she was barely settled from a panic attack, and wanted to make sure she was coherent enough to understand his words. He also didn’t want to rush her or force her into anything she wasn’t ready for.

Y/n nodded. A small movement, but one he was able to catch. Her eyes were still firmly locked on the rising and falling chest of their child.

“Y/n, this isn’t normal.”

“Maternal anxiety is a part of motherhood,” she said to him in a hoarse, monotone voice.

“But debilitating anxiety? That’s not healthy, honey.”

Y/n didn’t respond. At least she was calming down a bit, which Rooster thought was a start. Her breaths were still shaky, but more even than before, and her hands finally relaxed over his own. More than anything, he wanted to know why she was so nervous. Why this fear, which was normal for most parents to have, suddenly became something that plagued her every waking moment.

He didn’t have to wait long for the answers he sought.

“Elijah is the best parts of us,” Y/n said after an excruciating minute of silence. “The very best parts.”

Rooster could wholeheartedly agree with that. At only six months old, Elijah was kind, compassionate, and stubborn as hell. He’d always thought it was impossible for babies to have that much personality in such a small period of time. In fact, in the past, whenever parents described their kids in such detail, he was sure it was all a figment of their imagination. But now, he saw firsthand how special these little ones can be.

His wife looked up at him, then, with anguish still in her eyes. “But more importantly, he’s a part of you.”

That threw him for a loop.

“What?” he whispered, running his fingers up and down her spine in what he hoped to be a soothing gesture.

“Every day, Bradley, you run off to who knows where to risk your life doing something that you love. I’ve always supported you in that, never asked you to stop. And I never will, because every time you go after something you want, with that fire and willpower that I love so much, I’m always incredibly proud of you.”

Rooster knew that. More than anything else in the world, he knew that.

“But I can’t,” she sighed, looking away, before meeting his gaze with something new on her face. Acceptance, perhaps. Or maybe a lack thereof. “I can’t keep you safe. Protect you. I can’t be sure that when you go to work, doing what you love, you’ll come back to me at the end of the night. And I think that every time you walk out that door, it kills me a little more inside.”

That hurt him more than he wanted to admit. Not because he felt she wasn’t supporting him, in a way, by being afraid. Quite the opposite, actually. He felt horrible that his wife thought the only way to truly support him in advancing his career was to hide the thoughts from him that kept her awake at night.

That wasn’t to say they didn’t have these conversations before. There were plenty of nights, in their early years of dating, when they stayed up and talked about every thought and fear that entered their minds. The thought of him not returning was painful for both of them, for different reasons of course. But when danger was a part of the job, and relaxing moments were few and far between, it was easier to laugh and kiss and celebrate life than dwell on the parts of it they couldn’t change.

Maybe it was easier to pretend. Or maybe, at times, they weren’t pretending. But it was a blurred line, and it was one the couple had learned to ignore a long time ago.

He laid a kiss on her quivering lips, only because he couldn’t find the words to say. She let him, and they sat like that for a moment. Not quite kissing, but simply with their lips pressed gently together. Breathing in the same breath, foreheads leaning together as if it was the only thing keeping them upright. Elijah was already asleep again, peacefully in his father's arms.

Y/n pulled away to whisper her next words to him, as if they were a confession she wasn’t quite ready to make. “But I can protect this baby.”

Her thought hung in the air, and Rooster ran it through his mind over and over again until, oh god, he hated himself a little more for realizing what she meant.

“I just feel like I have no control over my life anymore,” she cried to him. She couldn’t look at him anymore, too focused on the baby in his arms. Rooster wasn’t sure if he could look at himself either. “I have no say in whether my husband stays or goes, no control over whether my child has two parents or one. I can’t even control my own fucking emotions, for Christ's sake.”

She wiped her tears away with a sharp swipe across her face. Rooster wanted to tell her to stop, to be careful with the face he loved so much, but she had more to say, and his voice was still firmly lodged in his throat.

“But if I watch this baby, if I just watch him and make sure he’s alright, then I can be sure I always have a piece of you with me. I can be sure that a part of you lives on if…if everything I love falls out of my control.”

And like a dam, Rooster broke. Tears streaming down his cheeks, he leaned forward to hide his face in the crook of Y/n’s neck. Seeking for comfort he didn’t deserve, for comfort he should have been providing. But his wife wrapped her arms around him without question, which only made the tears flow faster.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked, the movement of his lips pressing butterfly kisses against Y/n’s collarbone.

“Don’t be. Please, I don’t want you to feel guilty. I never did.”

“I’m not feeling guilty,” he reassured her. “I’m just…sad.”

He smiled up at her with tears still on his face. It was a small, insignificant smile, but he wasn’t surprised to find that she was already doing the same. It was a silly confession. In most cases, the word wouldn’t at all fit the occasion.

Sure, there were better ways to put it. He was anguished at the fact that his wife, his beautiful, radiantly happy wife, was straining under the burden he’d put on her shoulders. He was embarrassed that the mother of his child was sometimes forced to do the job of parenting for the both of them. He was overly torn between his love for flying and his love for his family. He was enraged that he had to choose at all. And he was terribly afraid that the life he’d chosen for himself would doom Y/n to the same fate as his mother, who never truly recovered from the heartache she faced at the hands of his father.

But most of all, he was just sad.

“I love you,” he said, because it was the easiest thing for him to say.

She rested her head against his own, which was still on her shoulder. “I love you too.”

“I know I can’t tell you to not be afraid. And I know…I know you won’t let me step down.”

She was objecting before he could continue. “You worked so hard to get where you are, Bradley, I won’t let you slow down now. You’ve already lost years of your career, and even if you and Mav made up or whatever, you can’t just-”

“Breathe, baby,” he reminded her. The last thing they needed was for her to have another panic attack all over again.

She huffed, clearly annoyed at him, but obliged. Rooster fought off the urge to laugh at her stubbornness.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” she admitted at last. “I can’t…these nerves are eating me alive. It’s never been this bad before.”

Rooster lifted his head from her shoulder to cup her face with his free hand. Their faces were both red and puffy from crying, though he didn’t care about that. Not with the exhaustion still clear in his wife’s eyes. She leaned into his touch until he was nearly holding the entire weight of her head in the palm of his hand.

He’d hold her whole world in his arms if she asked him to. If she needed it.

“You don’t fix this,” he said with the sweetest look on his face. Y/n practically melted. “I do. And that starts with you getting some sleep.”

He watched, in real-time, as panic spread across Y/n’s entire face. Her hands tightened their hold on his wrists as if to pull Elijah closer to herself. Rooster immediately shushed her quietly.

“I know, I know,” he whispered, allowing her to pull the baby closer. She leaned down to press her already trembling lips to Eli’s forehead. “But you need to sleep. Anxiety only gets worse with sleep deprivation.”

“Is that something you learn in pilot school?” she mumbled cheekily against the baby’s head.

“Yes, actually, it is.”

Y/n didn’t reply, though the ghost of a smile spread across her lips.

“Come here,” Rooster beckoned, sliding until he was completely leaning against their bed frame. With his legs fanned out in front of him, and baby pulled to rest comfortably against his chest, he gently urged Y/n to lay with her head against his lap. She was hesitant, but obeyed, and once she settled, he wrapped their comforter tightly around them both. “We’re gonna stay right here, Eli and I, while you rest for a couple of hours.”

“What if you get tired, or fall asleep? You just got back from a mission, Bradley, you should be resting.”

“I don’t need it, baby,” he said honestly. He was fine with lying awake and holding his two most important people in his arms. “What I need is for you to get some rest. But if I feel like I might fall asleep, or if there’s anything wrong with Eli, I promise I’ll wake you.”

Y/n didn’t seem convinced.

Rooster tried again. “Honey, if he so much as hiccups, you’ll be the first to know. After me, of course. And if you wake up throughout the night feeling afraid, we’ll be right here to show you that everything’s alright.”

He ran a hand through her hair, down her back, and up again. She finally closed her eyes, an act that was somehow full of reluctance and relief at the same time. “This isn’t a permanent solution,” she mumbled, though she was already rubbing her face against the soft fabric of his sweatpants.

“We’ll deal with that later,” he reassured her, all the while continuing to rub calming circles on her back. “When we both have more leveled heads.”

Perhaps Y/n wanted to argue. Maybe the words were even on the tip of her tongue. But by the time she opened her mouth to speak them, sleep had already taken over. For the first time in weeks, both mother and son were peacefully sleeping, unable to be plagued by the fears that came with the life they lived.

And Rooster was more than content to see it.

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ineffectualdemon · 9 months

Text

One thing that pisses me of about the psych industry

Things I have experienced

I have been unable to sleep because I "know" that shadow creature is coming to get me

I feel cats that aren't there

I feel worms under my skin

I have believed with my whole being that I am in a different reality

I have on multiple occasions believe I am specially chosen by a god and that I need to wait for his message of what to do to save the world

I have to actively avoid getting too deeply into religion, ARGs, and conspiracy theories because I lose track of reality

I hear voices scream things in my ear, call my name, cough, tell me the time etc

And I have been told by pretty much everyone in the psych industry (except my last therapist) that none of the above counted as psychosis or delusions

Why?

I the only reason I can think is because generally my response to the above is to be secretive about it. Like when I believe I am chosen by god I don't tell people at the time

I write about it and then burn the journals. Because it's important that it's a secret.

Same reason I struggle to talk about the shadow man tormenting me at night. I think if I tell people bad things happen.

And probably most crucially, the voices I hear outside my body don't tell me to do things. They scream random words or say my name or tell me the time but they don't really have conversations with me.

So I really think what they mean by "you don't have psychosis" is "you don't make trouble for others"

It doesn't matter if its distressing or upsetting to me or making my life harder

What matters is if it makes other people distressed or their life difficult

If I'm not actively hurting myself or others it doesn't matter that I can't sleep because I'm afraid of what will get me in the dark

It doesn't matter that I hear voices that confuse and disorient and even frighten me because they aren't telling me to do anything so therefore it can't possibly be impacting my life /sarcasm

In all my time dealing with therapists and attempting to talk about it only one therapist actually took it seriously and helped me

It just really pisses me off

#mental health #mental illness #psychosis #delusions

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fallinallincurls · 11 months

Text

all’s well that ends well to end up with you

here is my entry for @wyattjohnston’s summer fic exchange 2k23!! this fic is for @ya-pucking-nerd !! i had so much fun writing this and i hope you love it just as much! writing cale has always been a favorite of mine and this one was no exception. and shutout to @tonyspep as always for brainstorming so much of this idea with me!

i ALSO made a playlist for this fic which you can listen to here!

hope you enjoy!! feedback is always appreciated! xx

word count: 5.3k

~~~~~

Cale’s offseason has hardly started, yet his phone is already lighting up with a call from you to no doubt make summer plans before he heads back to Calgary to enjoy time with his family and to start his summer training.

It’s not unusual for his best friend to call him and the soft, giddy smile on his lips at just the sight of your name on his phone display is nothing new either, but when the call connects and words are practically spewing from your lips, he knows something must be wrong.

“Woah, woah, woah. Slow down. I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” Cale cuts you off, trying to figure out what’s going on.

“I said,” You emphasize, taking a deep breath to ensure you speak slower this time, “you got invited to Ryan’s wedding right? The one that’s in a few weeks in Montana?”

“Yeah, I did. What about it?”

“Well, uh, I kinda realized that showing up by myself would be lame right? Like this guy used to be insanely in love with me, but now he’s getting married and I’m, well, not even close to being in a relationship let alone a serious one.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. You and Ryan are still friends so it won’t be awkward and I’ll be there so you won’t be bored at any point.” Cale replies, still confused as to what you’re getting at.

“We are still friends, but I have to prove that I’m doing just as well as he is, you know? So I have a plan. Well, more of a question before a plan.” You explain, feeling the nerves creep in as the moment about revealing what you’ve been thinking of asking Cale nears with each passing second.

“Okay…”

“What do you think about going as a fake couple? Like we’re dating but it’s obviously not real? Just to prove to Ryan that I’ve moved on and am doing better! He already knows we’re friends and I don’t think it’d be that hard for us to come up with a story and act all lovey dovey together for a few days.”

Cale is silent on the other line and you have a sick feeling in your stomach that you’ve really messed up. It was a stupid idea anyway. Why would he agree to it? He might be your best friend, but asking him to fake date you? It wasn’t that smart.

“So what’s our story?” Cale asks after a moment, trying to hide the smile growing on his lips that you can’t see anyway.

“Our story?”

“Yeah, if we’re going to make this convincing we have to be on the same page about how we met, the first time we said ‘I love you,’ some funny moments that have happened since we got together. Stuff like that.”

Before you can even begin to think about everything Cale just mentioned, your heart begins racing and a grin is on full display across your face.

“So you’re in?” The question is full of excitement and Cale can’t help but chuckle in response.

“Of course I’m in. I’d do anything for you Y/N. Plus, I think it would be fun to finally get back at Ryan for what he did to you.” Cale replies, trying desperately to ignore the butterflies erupting in his stomach. You squeal on the other end of the line and jump right into ironing out the details so there isn’t anything missed that can foil the plan.

Cale pays attention because he has to, but he knows he’s in trouble. He just agreed to be your fake boyfriend for a whole weekend. Cale’s already hiding how he really feels about you and he has a feeling getting a taste of what he wants so badly will only make him fall even harder.

“Okay,” You say, clicking your seatbelt back into place as the plane begins its descent and turning your gaze to the blue eyed, rosy cheek boy next to you. “Remember our story?”

Cale playfully rolls his eyes at the question you’ve asked about a hundred times since you both boarded the short flight to Montana. “Yes, I do. We met in one of the business classes we were both taking together at the University of Denver when I was working towards finishing my degree in my free time. You had no idea I played hockey and after I asked for a pen that day in class, we started hanging out together. The rest is history.” He recites the story of how you actually met with a smile. “Our anniversary is April 29th, we’ve already met each other’s families and we couldn’t be any happier together.”

“Good job!”

“Most of our fake relationship is based off of how we really met so it isn’t that hard to remember, Y/N.” Cale teases, earning a small chuckle from you in response.

“I know and that will only make it more convincing, don’t you think? Being best friends and having history together already gives us an advantage. I just hope it works.”

“It will.” Cale murmurs, intertwining his fingers with yours and giving your hand a squeeze. You give him a sweet smile in return, before you begin talking about how excited you are about all the plans that are in place for the moment you land. He has to try and remember none of what happens between the two of you this weekend will be real, but that won’t stop him from taking it all in as if this was his real life even if just for a short amount of time.

Best friends, nothing more. Best friends, nothing more.

The words repeat in his head when the plane lands, as you both gather your luggage from baggage claim and throughout the entire cab ride to the resort where the wedding is being held. And just when Cale thinks the reminder is concrete and that nothing will sway him, he opens the door to your assigned hotel room and he stops breathing as he freezes in the threshold.

“Cale? What’s wrong?” You ask from behind him, unable to see around his broad shoulders into the luxurious room. He doesn’t say anything at first, just shuffles through the door and you’re about to tease him until you see the single king size bed in the middle of the room. “Oh.”

“Uh, there’s only one bed.” Cale states the obvious as if both of you aren’t already staring at the bed. “I swear I booked a room with two separate queens, but there must have been a mixup or something. I can check with the front desk to see if we can be moved and if not, I can just sleep on the floor. You can have the bed. That’s fine. It’ll work if-”

“Cale.” You say his name firmly, holding his wrist in an attempt to get him to look at you. He has flipped into rational thinking mode because of the issue at hand, but you know calming him down is the first step in telling him it’s all okay. “You will not be sleeping on the floor. I won’t allow it. That will kill your back and you know it.” “But-”

“No buts. We’re only here for two nights. Sleeping in the same bed won’t be the end of the world for us. How many times have we fallen asleep on the couch together? Or taken a pregame nap? This is no different. I promise.” Your words are soft and visibly make Cale relax. He knows you’re right, but a large part of him knows he won’t be able to handle being that close to you in such an intimate setting even if it’s under the guise of a fake relationship.

“You’re right.” Cale sighs, calming himself down and realizing the situation isn’t as bad as he thought it is. “We can do this.”

You offer him a sweet smile before walking further into the room and dropping your suitcase to the ground. “Do you want to explore the town today since we’re here a day early? I looked up the usual touristy things and places to eat just in case.” Cale looks at his watch and shrugs, feeling happiness surge through him at the thought of wandering through a new place with you.

“That sounds perfect. I’ve never been to Montana before so getting to spend a little time in the town would be really nice.” Cale doesn’t mention how spending all that extra time with you is really what he’s looking forward to most. He would go anywhere in the world if it meant being by your side.

“Then what are we waiting for?” You say excitedly, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the door. And if your heart races a little faster than usual when Cale chuckles and follows behind, no one has to know.

Cale wasn’t kidding when he said he’s never been to Montana before, but he has to admit the little town not far from the resort is the cutest place he’s ever seen. Little storefronts line the streets and both locals and tourists take their time enjoying the cozy town. The scenery is gorgeous too, snow capped mountains extending high into the bright blue sky, but there’s nothing quite like the joy on clear display across your face at every new experience you and Cale do while exploring.

So far, you’ve stopped in various antique shops, a bookstore, two art galleries and took a tour of the local distillery. You haven’t stopped smiling at all and Cale can practically feel his heart swell every time you turn to him with nothing but excitement and adoration.

You’re walking down the busy street next to Cale, still trying to take in the entire scene when your stomach growls. The lighthearted laugh that you love so much slips past Cale’s lips and you can’t help but smile at the beautiful sound.

“Sorry,” You giggle. “I guess we should find somewhere to go for dinner, huh? I didn’t even realize how late it was.”

“Want to try that restaurant we passed before that looked good?” Cale suggests and you nod in agreement. As you both turn in the opposite direction to head back to the establishment, Cale takes a subtle leap of faith and intertwines his fingers with yours. He argues it’s just to get used to faking a relationship especially around other people, but when you smile up at him and squeeze his hand in response, he can’t help but think maybe, just maybe, you feel the same way about him.

That would be crazy though. Cale knows that.

He pushes those thoughts out of his head and focuses on dinner with you. The meal is full of laughter and recounting shared memories which fill both of your hearts to the brim. By the time you’ve both finished eating and had a few glasses of wine, the sun has fully set and the road is calmer than it was earlier.

When the waiter comes back with the check, you thank him before Cale insists on paying and you don’t object because you know he won’t budge. You try to stifle a yawn as he signs the receipt, but he somehow notices everything so it’s no surprise he asks the obvious question.

“Sleepy?” Cale chuckles, putting all his attention on you again. You feel your cheeks heating under his attentive, but soft gaze.

“A little. It’s been such a good day, just a little long.” You reply with honesty and Cale nods along in agreement.

“Well, we can’t have you falling asleep during the ceremony tomorrow so we should probably head back.”

“I guess so.” You smile at Cale before following closely behind to exit the restaurant. “Although having you there will already make the whole wedding more bearable. Thank you again for this.”

“It was an easy decision to come along with you. Plus, I can’t wait to see Ryan’s face tomorrow when he sees us together as a couple. Besides getting to spend time with you in this beautiful place, that will make the whole trip worth it.”

You giggle because the mental image is hilarious. Although the walk back to the resort isn’t long, you lean into Cale, who wraps his arm around you, and take in the serene moment. Any worries or anxieties about spending a whole day tomorrow fake dating your best friend have seemingly disappeared which you couldn’t be more grateful for. You’re determined to just enjoy the day with him and not let your feelings get tangled with whatever may happen to convince everyone at the wedding that you’re actually together.

It can’t be that hard.

But when you return back to the hotel room ready to watch a movie and call it a night, Cale seems nervous and jumpy again. It must still be the one bed situation even though you reassured him earlier that it’s fine.

“Um,” Cale starts, his voice quiet and shy. He meets your gaze for a few seconds before looking away. “Is it okay if I take the bathroom first?”

“Yeah, of course! Go ahead. I’ll just get changed real quick while you’re in there. My nighttime routine isn’t anything crazy anyway.” You chuckle, hoping to ease some of the obvious tension Cale seems to be experiencing. With a nod and a gentle smile, Cale disappears into the en suite bathroom which leaves you scourging through your suitcase for the pajamas you packed. “Where in the world are they?” You mutter to yourself before finding the set buried all the way at the bottom.

With a silent celebration, you quickly switch out your jeans for the comfy shorts and right as you’re pulling the shirt you’ve been wearing all day off, the bathroom door creaks open. Before he can catch a glimpse of anything, you face away from him and call out, “Cale! Just turn around a minute, please?”

He does as you ask, he wouldn’t ever overstep like that. But Cale’s breath was already stolen away from those brief, accidental seconds when he got to see the smooth expanse of your back, the gentle curve of your breast and your hair spilling over your shoulders.

His mind is going a million miles a minute, trying to remind him that that’s his best friend he’s thinking about this way. You’ve always been gorgeous and he’s known that since you met, but something about this moment is striking him in an entirely new way. Maybe it’s the small proximity of the hotel room. Maybe it’s that his feelings for you continue to get stronger and stronger with each passing minute.

Cale has no idea, but he’s in big trouble either way.

“Okay!” Your voice interrupts his thoughts, “I’m all good. You can turn back around.” Cale lets out a sigh when he sees your bright smile and how cozy you look in the matching blue pajama set. “All good?” You double check while trying not to make it obvious that you’re taking in just how adorable Cale looks right now.

“All good. Want me to pick the movie? And do you, uh, prefer a certain side of the bed?”

“Yes, pick the movie. Whatever you want! And nope, I’m not picky.” With that, you disappear into the bathroom for a few moments as Cale settles in. By the time you reemerge only a few minutes later, you see he picked a movie you’ve both watched a thousand times and claimed the right side of the bed. He looks so soft and cuddly which makes your heart skip a beat just at the sight of him.

Cale pats your side of the bed and gives you that sweet smile you adore so much. After slipping under the covers and plugging your phone in, he starts the movie. Despite how weird sharing a bed felt hours ago, now there’s nothing but comfort evident in this moment. You don’t know how much of the movie you actually watch before you start drifting off, head resting against Cale’s shoulder. But the last thing you remember before sleep takes over is Cale whispering a quiet “Goodnight, Y/N.”

The warm sunlight shines through the hotel room curtains, pulling you out of the peaceful dream currently unfolding in your mind. You slowly blink your eyes open and get reacquainted with where you are, in Montana with Cale for the wedding, when you realize that you’re wrapped up in a strong embrace and your head is resting against your best friend’s chest.

And before you even have time to realize you’re both practically snuggled up together which somehow must’ve happened during the night, you notice Cale’s beautiful blue eyes are focused on you and there’s a lazy, but adorable smiling donning his lips. His hair is messy from sleep and his cheeks are already rosy. He looks like a dream.

A part of you thinks that you could get used to this, but that reality still seems so far away and unlikely to happen. So you might as well enjoy the moment when it’s here.

You match his grin, lean up a little to get a better view of him and start absentmindedly playing with the loose collar of the old t-shirt he’s wearing. He watches you, waiting with patience for you to say something.

“You drool in your sleep, Makar.”

“Hm, do I?” Cale laughs softly, rubbing a hand up and down your back while the other brushes some loose hair behind your ear. “Well, I guess I should make it up to you by letting you shower first, huh?”

“That would be the gentlemanly thing to do.”

“Bathroom’s all yours then. Just let me get in there at some point before we have to leave, please. I can’t show up with my hair looking like this.”

“Your bedhead is so cute though! I don’t think anyone would mind.” You tease him back, the happiest laugh escaping past your lips as you untangle yourself from the blankets to head towards the bathroom. The moment the door closes behind you and the sound of the shower running can be heard, Cale lets out a sigh while scrubbing his hands over his face.

That felt a little too real for Cale’s liking if he’s going to try and keep all his feelings under the guise of pretending. But he’d be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the banter and soft moment of waking up next to you.

As he listens to you sing a Taylor Swift song while getting ready, Cale goes through his usual routine before beginning to get dressed in his favorite suit. He happens to know it’s also your favorite suit of his so maybe, just maybe, he picked it for that reason too. He’s just fixing the navy blue tie you told him to wear so he’d match your dress when you step out of the bathroom and Cale has another moment where it feels like he can’t breathe.

You hadn’t told him anything about the dress minus its color prior to this very moment. The beautiful navy blue fabric hugs your body in all the right places and stops mid calf to showcase the pretty heels you picked to match. Cale also can’t help but notice the slit that shows off your left leg too. The straps are tied in bows at your shoulders and the dress is perfect, yet simple and you look absolutely stunning.

But Cale’s gaze catches on the glittering bracelet on your right arm. The one he gifted you as a graduation gift. The one you’ve told him you only wear for special occasions. It almost shocks Cale to his core that you’re wearing it now, but his heart couldn’t be happier.

“Wow. Y/N, you look gorgeous. So pretty.” Cale manages to get out, eyes still taking the sight of you. The bright smile that takes over your face rivals the sun which makes him practically melt on the spot. Cale knows then, more than ever, that he’s hopelessly in love with you.

“Thank you,” You say, voice shy and gentle. “You look really handsome yourself, Cale.” And he does. He’s wearing your favorite suit of his and looks incredible as always. Your heart swells just looking at him.

“Thanks,” He replies with a sweet smile before you close the space between the two of you to readjust his tie. That same surging emotion from last night rushes through his veins at the close proximity to you and when you pat his chest, signaling your work is done, he meets your gaze and takes a few seconds to remember every detail of this moment. “All ready to go?” Cale asks simply, trying to make sure he looks unaffected by what just happened.

“Mhm. Remember our story for when people ask because you know they will and we both know each other’s boundaries with PDA, so we’ll stick to what’s appropriate there, yeah?” Your best friend nods in response as he slips his fingers between yours again like it’s something that happens all the time.

“Sounds like a plan. We have to leave now so we aren’t late, sweetheart.” Cale ties the pet name out while guiding you towards the door and as your heart is racing, you can’t stop smiling knowing that today is going to be amazing with this incredible man by your side even if he’s only your fake boyfriend for the day.

And you aren’t wrong. The ceremony goes by without any hiccups. Cale keeps his hand in yours the whole time and presses the softest kisses to the side of your head throughout. You introduced Cale to a bunch of your friends as your boyfriend which only earned you more sweet smiles and gentle touches from the boy at your side. It felt like living in a blissful bubble where nothing could disrupt your fantasy even though you knew deep down this was all still pretend. There was no way Cale had real feelings for you.

The real test though is the reception. You can’t avoid Ryan forever and you have a feeling he’s going to make a point to come over and talk, but more importantly, ask about your date. Before the nerves can take over though, Cale puts all your worries away. As you both stand side by side in front of the seating chart in search of your names, he kisses your cheek and pulls you in closer to his side.

“How are you holding up?”

“Pretty good. There’s this awesome guy who is making the whole night a lot more fun than I thought it could’ve been.” You giggle, watching Cale’s cheeks brighten with the familiar pink color of blush.

“Really? Because I can’t get enough of the girl I’m here with either. Her smile is making it hard to breathe. And I’m glad she invited me along.” Cale responds with a smile on his lips and blue eyes full of nothing but adoration. His words pierce your heart in the most unexpected way because you know he means them. None of what he says is pretend to fit the show you’re both putting on.

But what could that possibly mean?

You don’t get a lot of time to think about it because Cale spots your names together under Table 8 and gives your hand a tiny squeeze before guiding you through the decorated ballroom. You take in all the beautiful sights and settle in next to Cale as you greet the other guests seated at your table. One of your college best friends is in the chair on your right which brings you even more comfort.

“Y/N!” She exclaims, giving you a hug while sporting a huge grin. “Last time we talked you didn’t mention that the handsome, but adorable professional hockey player who you always claimed to be your best friend is your boyfriend now!”

“Oh,” You chuckle, glancing at Cale who is in a conversation with one of the guests who are also sitting at your table. “We didn’t want to tell everyone just yet. But yeah, we’re together now and he’s the best.”

“I don’t know why you both waited all that time. It was obvious you two had feelings for each other the first time you met! I remember how you bursted into the campus coffeehouse with the happiest look on your face and I knew you met someone incredible.”

“It wasn’t that obvious to us for a while, I guess. But we’re making up for the lost time now.” You say softly, turning to look back at Cale as a million thoughts run through your head.

Since you met Cale, you’ve had feelings for him and for years, you never said anything because you couldn’t risk losing the best friendship you’ve ever had. But with your friend’s words echoing in your mind, you realize there is no time to waste. He didn’t even object when you asked him to be your fake boyfriend for the wedding. He has been noticeably more sweet and attentive the whole weekend and you’ve even noticed things he’s said or done that seem to be hinting at the fact he might want to be more than friends with you.

Ohmygod.

You’re in love with Cale and he most likely has feelings for you too.

Suddenly, nothing else matters except confessing the very thing you’ve tried to hide from him for years, but when you turn to ask Cale for a moment outside, the lights dim and the DJ’s voice booms through the speakers around the room.

“Everyone, please welcome the bride and groom!” Everyone stands and claps as the newlyweds enter the ballroom hand in hand with beaming smiles on their faces. The first dance song is introduced and even though you watch the couple dance together, you’re more focused on the boy next to you.

Cale’s arm is wrapped around you as a silent reminder he’s there because he probably thinks seeing your ex-boyfriend dance with his now wife at his wedding isn’t the greatest reminder that you’re single and here with a “fake” date. But you don’t even care about that right now. His touch grounds you and it’s what makes your mind up about telling Cale about how you feel.

Applause erupts again as the song finishes and almost drowns out the DJ’s next words. “The newlyweds would like to invite all couples to join them on the dance floor for this next dance.”

The familiar beginning notes of Taylor Swift’s “Lover” fill the air which makes you let out a little gasp in surprise. You love this song and Cale knows it. He can’t let this opportunity slip away from him, especially not with the plans he has.

“May I have this dance?” Cale asks softly, sporting an adorable smile while holding his hand out for you. A giggle slips past your lips as you nod and put your hand in his. He leads you out to an open spot on the crowded dance floor before pulling you into him. You wrap your arms around his neck as his hands settle on your hips, eliminating any space between your body and Cale’s.

For a moment, neither of you say anything. The music plays and you sing along under your breath all while never pulling your eyes away from his. How could he be so oblivious to the fact that he’s in love with you? All this time it could’ve been real, but it took a fake relationship for him to realize he can’t wait any longer to tell you how he feels even if it’s terrifying.

Little do either of you know, the same thought is going through both of your minds at the same exact time.

This is it.

“Y/N,” Cale starts when you say “Cale,” at the same time. He chuckles, trying to hide his nerves, and dips his head down before looking at you again as you both keep dancing. “You go first.”

“Okay,” You whisper, fumbling with Cale’s collar and keeping your gaze locked with his. It feels as if the rest of the ballroom falls away. There aren’t any other dancing couples or bright lights shining down. It’s just you and Cale and your favorite Taylor Swift song playing in the background. “I know this may seem like a surprise and if you don’t feel the same way, that’s okay. This is just something I can’t hide anymore.”

Cale’s breath is knocked out of his lungs at just those few sentences. Is this really happening? Is he about to get his girl after all this time?

“I love you, Cale. I love you with my whole entire heart and I’ve known since the day we met in class, but didn’t want to ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had. I realized though that it’s not your friendship that makes my life infinitely better, it’s you. And I know you came to this wedding as my fake boyfriend because I was nervous about seeing my stupid ex, which was beyond kind of you to do, but I want to leave here with you as my real boyfriend. I want to love you like I’ve dreamed of for years now.”

Time stops. Or at least Cale swears it does. He almost thinks this is all a dream except he knows it isn’t because of the tender look on your face. Nothing but love and admiration is on display across your beautiful features and he knows you’re preparing yourself for a potential reaction which is the farthest thing from the truth.

“I love you too, Y/N. Always have. Everyone around me has seen how insanely in love I am, but I couldn’t risk losing you either. You’re the most amazing person I know and it would make my heart so happy to be with you. I think we’ve proved this weekend that we can definitely make a real relationship work.” Cale replies honestly, his voice shaky. You laugh softly, your eyes filling up with tears for a moment.

This is real. He loves you too.

As you’re convincing yourself this is all real life, the bridge of the song begins and a beaming smile blossoms across Cale’s lips. He looks beautiful under the shimmery lights of the dance floor and he’s excluding pure happiness. His cheeks are rosy, blue eyes bright and you’ve never been so in love.

“Can I kiss you now?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Cale leans forward to close the small gap between the two of you with a gentle, but passionate kiss that says everything he’s been holding back for years. You melt into him, letting the overwhelming sensation of love wash over you. And as Cale pulls you impossibly closer to deepen the kiss, your heart feels as if it might explode.

This is all you’ve wanted for so long.

When you both slowly pull away, leaning your forehead against his, the rest of the crowd dissipates as the fast paced music picks up to get the party started. There’s nothing to do but bask in the moment and commit every detail to memory. Cale hasn’t stopped beaming yet and you don’t think you’ve ever been this happy before.

“I know everyone here already thinks we’re a couple, but just wait until the guys find out. I think they’ve been waiting for this just as long as I have been.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” You chuckle, cheeks going pink from blush at the thought of Cale’s teammates hearing the news the two of you are now together. Cale is sure that he’s never seen anyone cuter in his whole entire life and now he gets to call you his.

But right now, he isn’t thinking about talking to Ryan like you’ve been dreading all day or returning home for the rest of the offseason. Cale is just focused on having the best time dancing the night away with the love of his life because he finally has you. And he won’t be letting you go anytime soon.

tagging some friends/mutuals who might be interested!

@tonyspep @starshine-hockey-girl @kailyn-writes @happer08 @rosesvioletshardy @sorryjustafangirl @laurenairay @miracleonice87 @hockeyunits @stroopwaffle8 @musiclove-12 @eightmakar @ilyasorokinn @barzysreputation @breezymichelle99 @comphyjost @comphy-and-cozy @jostystyles @ya-pucking-nerd @fallen-froots @beauvibaby @barzysunflower @boqvistsbabe @wyattjohnston @tpwkstiles @hockeylvr59 @2manytabsopen @lam-ila @nateslehky

#cale makar #cale makar fic #cale makar fics #cale makar imagines #cale makar imagine #summer fic exchange 2k23 #nhl fic #nhl imgaine #cale makar x reader #cale makar fluff #colorado avalanche

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nochuelinha · 3 months

Text

Chapter 1: Instantaneous Analysis

I always dreamed of being part of the forensic police force, ever since I was a child, I knew I would work with it. I studied like hell, did everything I could and then some, but in the end, I became a detective. Not that I don't like my job, it's just that my dream was ripped away from me by much more advanced technology: androids.

I don't hate androids like some out there, including my mentor Hank Anderson; no, I find them fascinating, but I never had the financial means for one, and even now that I do, it doesn't fit into the part that interests me as a young adult.

I've always pushed myself harder than I should in my studies, as if I had to achieve everything quickly. Human life is short, and sometimes I feel like mine is even shorter. Even before joining the police force, at the peak of my 22 years, I became Detroit's youngest detective. We received a call, apparently a homicide involving androids. I hitched a ride with one of the officers heading there; I don't know how to drive, pathetic, but I'm not ashamed of it.

The house was old and smelled really bad, really bad. I felt bile rise in my throat and held back from vomiting; the body had been there for a few days already. Everything was turned upside down and a mess. I approached the corpse and began analyzing everything I could. He had been stabbed 28 times; whoever wanted him dead made sure of it. He had traces of red ice in his poorly kept beard, parasites were starting to do their work on his rotten flesh. I don't know why, but he exuded an aura that he was a real son of a bitch, must be because he's dead. On the wall behind him was written in blood: I AM ALIVE.

I looked at the ransacked kitchen and went to the bathroom, covered in the writing RA9; there was a small carved doll there, some kind of offering?

I heard Hank's voice and followed him, and to my surprise, he was accompanied by an android. It was the most beautiful thing I could lay eyes on in that horrifying place; large captivating brown eyes, skin with small freckles, perfectly combed hair, except for a stubborn lock, he was the definition of perfection.

"So, who's your new friend, Hank?" I tried to sound casual, but my voice dripped with curiosity and excitement. Hank looked at me with a certain amusement, then sighed resignedly. Before he could respond, the android did, even his voice was beautiful and melodious.

"My name is Connor. I am an android sent by Cyber Life to assist in investigations regarding deviants." I looked at him with interest. "You must be Detective S/N; it's a pleasure to meet you." He extended his hand; I took it without hesitation; it was warm and soft. I let go of his hand, and he began to analyze the crime scene.

"You look like a kid who just got a new toy," Hank sighed. I smirked in response and looked again at Connor; he dipped his fingers into the dead guy's blood and put it in his mouth, definitely disgusting. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Hank didn't seem to like the scene very much.

"Analyzing the evidence instantaneously." I looked at him; he comes equipped with the feature that made me give up on forensic police. All I did was watch him work for the rest of the night. As he moves through the crime scene, his determination is palpable, his expression serious and focused. There is no distraction, only his goal to fulfill his mission. As the night progresses and the case unfolds, it's impossible not to be impressed with how he works; there are things that only he can see, like the traces of thirium, was that what made him find the deviant, hidden in the attic? I'm curious to see what the next few days will be like in his presence.

#connor rk800 x reader #connor rk800 #connor x reader #dbh connor #detroit become human #hank anderson #gavin reed #romance

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the-sparkling-diamond-satine · 1 year

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Why Wishverse Buffy Fuels my "Buffy Summers is nonbinary" head canon

I will write my entire Non-binary Buffy meta post someday but it's a lot and for now I've got people asking about my wishverse + gender thoughts so I went ahead and wrote this piece of it. Wishverse!Buffy raises a lot of questions about Buffy's gender identity and gender expression. Like, why is Our Buffy so insistent that's she's Definitely A Girl with a feminine gender presentation when Wishverse!Buffy Who Has No One To Impress And Doesn't Care How She's Perceived presents as butch or masculine or even transmasc?

And this change in presentation isn't just the result of Wishverse!Buffy having nothing in her life outside of slaying. We've also met another Slayer (Kendra) who has no friends, no family, no one to impress except her Watcher who only cares about her usefulness as a Slayer, who still presents as feminine? We also meet Faith who only really has Buffy in her life to care about for a lot of s3 but Faith + gender is a whole other post (and this is not that post haha so we're not going there today).

Wishverse!Buffy is the ONLY TIME in canon that we meet a Buffy who doesn't care at all about how people perceive her, and she drops a lot of her femininity. Since Kendra's Watcher didn't try to take her own femininity from her—I mean, the girl named her own stake because she has nothing to care about besides weapons but her Watcher buys her jewelry and makeup?—surely Wishverse!Buffy also had wardrobe options and she chose THIS. Also I can understand why Buffy's Cleveland Watcher insisted she lose the dresses and skirts and heels from her wardrobe, but Buffy did have athletic wear we saw her training in sometimes in the library, so why did Wishverse!Buffy go out and buy herself completely new clothes? And instead of shorts and sports bras and t-shirts she chose this??? She took the time to buy a cross but no chain for it! That looks like she tied it into jewelry herself. Just...look at her:

Also WHY in season 2 when Buffy meets Kendra for the first time does Buffy suddenly have the queerest outfit she's ever worn in her entire life and Kendra looks so gorgeous and feminine and put together? What were the costumers trying to say?? Buffy looks like a lesbian. Or I know non-binary and transmasc people who dress like that (myself included sometimes). Oversized shirts help so much with chest dysphoria and/or achieving a more masculine appearance I'm just saying.

Actually she kind of looks like Oz and that guy has the most trans guy style and energy ever???

I digress. Wishverse!Buffy is not Buffy simply choosing not to care about hair and makeup and fashion because she's depressed. Look at s5 and s6 Buffy. She is so depressed, so Not Okay, but there's one key difference between these two characters: unlike Wishverse!Buffy, canon Buffy cares SO DEEPLY about what others think of her. She even says as much to Spike:

BUFFY: I guess. Everyone...they all care. They all care so much, it...makes it all harder. SPIKE: I'm not sure I followed you around that bend, love. BUFFY: I don't know. I just, I feel like I'm spending all of my time trying to be okay, so they don't worry. It's exhausting. And then, I... SPIKE: And that makes 'em worry even more. (6x04 Flooded)

MY POINT IS the only time Buffy stops focusing so much on what others think about her and stops performing for others and simply allows herself to exist, she stops performing a lot of femininity and gender stuff as well. And I do think Buffy finds some enjoyment in being feminine and fashion, but how much of it is genuine enjoyment and how much is Buffy earnestly saying "I'm a normal girl and no one can say otherwise, look at how normal I am, I am the girliest girl who ever girled!!!!!" As in, Buffy's insistence that she's a girl isn't actually about wanting people to think she's a girl. It's about wanting people to think she's "normal," and that means them seeing her as a girl. When she actually isn't (a girl), because she's non-binary.

Also I KNOW that gender expression =/= gender identity, but since we are not Buffy and therefore cannot know what she thinks and how she would identify if given the education and label options, we can only look at what she says and how she dresses and acts. Buffy Summers is non-binary TO ME. And Wishverse!Buffy is a piece of why I think so. Meta post incoming one day when I write it all down.

#buffy summers #btvs #btvs meta #kendra young #daniel oz osbourne #trans buffy #trans buffy is my fave!#my meta #tuserjana

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ask-a-goldsmith · 3 months

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In writing my last few posts, I have realized that there is quite a lot of basic(to me) knowledge required to understand most of this stuff. I've done my best to explain as I go, but I think this deserves its own post. So, here we go!

Junior Gemology 101

This post is mostly about diamonds! I am well aware it's called Junior Gemology, but 90% of what I deal with on a day-to-day basis is diamonds. Also, a lot of this applies to coloured stones too, so no need to repeat myself.

What is a diamond, actually?

Diamonds are carbon! That's all there is! Except for inclusions. And coloured diamonds. Those have little bits of other materials in them. And are also a topic for later. I digress. Like always.

Specifically, diamonds are carbon atoms bonded together covalently in a tetrahedral shape. Confusing enough yet? This means that each carbon atom is bonded to 4 other carbon atoms. It's ok if you don't get it, I spent about 3 hours trying to understand diamond structure before things started to make sense. This website has a 3D model of the tetrahedral structure seen in diamonds and is what I used to finally wrap my head around it. The important part is: diamonds are made of carbon atoms connected in a pattern. If the pattern was different, It wouldn't be a diamond! If the carbon was bonded in hexagonal rings, it would be graphite! Same atoms, veeeerrrryyy different result.

What makes diamonds so darn special?

I've told you what a diamond is - so why do people care about this very specific pattern of carbon? The answer is(mostly) that humanity LOVES shiny things, and diamonds are great at being shiny. Why have diamonds become THE shiny thing to have? A combination of some REALLY successful marketing campaigns and some of diamond's unique characteristics. These characteristics include things such as their hardness, brilliance, and fire. I went deeper into these characteristics and what they mean in terms of telling diamonds from other stones in this post, but I'll give you a quick run-down here.

Diamonds are very(and famously) hard. They're a 10 on the Mohs scale, and almost nothing is harder than them. This doesn't mean diamonds are impervious to damage - while they are very hard, diamonds can also be brittle, and a hard smack in the wrong place can chip, crack, or even shatter a diamond. Trust me, I know. I've broken a few by accident.

Brilliance and fire are what give diamonds their characteristic bling. Though they are classified as different things - brilliance being the bright white reflections of light and fire being the rainbow reflections - they're both caused by diamond's Refractive Index. Refractive index(RI) is the measurement of the speed at which light travels through different materials - for our purposes though, think of it as how much a ray of light bends when it moves from one material to another. Diamonds have an RI of 2.42, which causes high brilliance and a medium amount of fire. RI isn't super important for most people to know - it really only comes into the conversation when comparing diamonds to simulant materials.

What are the 4 Cs?

The 4 Cs are the meat and potatoes of diamond basics - Carat weight, Colour, Clarity, and Cut. These four terms are used to describe diamonds worldwide, each describing a different part of a diamond's look.

Carat weight is the weight of a diamond. Pretty self-explanatory. What's not clear is what a carat actually is - no, not a carrot. A carat. A carat is 0.2 grams. Therefore, a 5 carat diamond(good lord) would weigh 1 gram. With me? Why do we weigh diamonds in carats instead of grams like sane people? Because way back yonder, carob seeds were used as a counterweight to weigh diamonds, and language did what language does.

Image from loosegrowndiamond.com

Colour refers to - you guessed it - the colour of the diamond. There are two basic systems that GIA(The Gemological Institute Of America, and the accepted authority of these things in North America) use; the normal colour range and the coloured or fancy diamond range. The normal colour range is used for stones that are colourless, light yellow, or light brown. These are the most common colours of diamond, thus the "normal" colour range. These stones are graded alphabetically D-Z, with D being colourless and Z being quite noticeably yellow or brown. Normal range colour grades are sorted into 5 groups based on the general amount of colour; colourless(DEF), nearly colourless(GHIJ), Faint(KLM), Very Light(N-R), and light(S-Z).

Image from GIA article 4Cs Color

Stones that fall outside this range (stones that are too yellow or brown for the scale or show any colour other than yellow and brown) are graded using the fancy colour grades. Fancy colour grades are an entire thing, but generally pretty self-explanatory. The grade will include 1 or two colours(the more dominant of which goes last) and an intensity descriptor such as light, intense, fancy deep, etc. For example, a stone may be graded as a fancy greyish blue - this means that the stone has a middling amount of colour and is blue with a hint of grey. Easy peasy.

Clarity is how many inclusions are in a stone. Well, technically it's more complicated than that, accounting for placement and contrast and type of inclusion etc etc etc. Really, clarity is how many inclusions you see in a stone. Inclusions are things in the diamond that are not diamond, such as included crystals, or imperfections in the diamond itself, such as cracks(called feathers) or chips.

Clarity grades are, frankly, confusing as fuck. There are 11 grades, broken down into 6 grade groups. From highest to lowest, they are; Flawless, Internally Flawless, Very Very Slightly Included(VVS), Very Slightly Included(VS), Slightly Included(SI), and Included(I). VVS, VS, and SI are each broken into 2 grades - 1 and 2. I is broken down into 3 grades - 1, 2, and 3. The lower the number within a grade, the better the grade - a VS1 stone would be less visibly included than a VS2. You know what'll help? Visuals!!

Images from GIA D&DG Chapter 11. Credit to John Koivula/GIA

The diamond on the left is graded as a VVS2 - the red arrow points to the inclusion that gave it this grade. The diamond on the right is graded as an I2. No red arrows are required - this stone has many highly visible inclusions. If you want a little more info (and examples) of clarity grades, GIA has a lovely little tool that explains it quite well.

Cut refers to the shape of a diamond - specifically, the combination of shape(face-up outline) and cutting style(the arrangement of the facets). A classic round brilliant is what most people think of when they think of a diamond, but there are dozens of different cuts. When talking about cut grade, cut refers to how well executed the cut is. Are the proportions ideal? Is everything symmetrical? Is the polish well done? These determine the cut grade of the stone. Cut grades are as follows, best to worst; Excellent, Very Good, Good, Fair, and Poor.

What are the parts of a cut diamond?

Specifically, the parts of a round brilliant diamond. Round brilliant is the name of the most common cut of diamond. Think of a diamond. Is it round? That's almost definitely a round brilliant. Think I've said round brilliant enough? Round brilliant. Whew. Done with that now. This is best explained with diagrams.

The parts we're most interested in are the table, crown, girdle, and pavilion. The way those 3 parts are shaped and proportioned has a huge effect on the looks and value of a diamond.

Knowledge Check

Let's say you're looking at a 1.01 carat round brilliant diamond - it has a colour grade of F, a clarity grade of SI1, and an excellent cut grade. So, what does this mean to you?

Round brilliant is the cut of the diamond. It has a round outline and a brilliant cutting style. 1.01ct is a fairly large diamond - this one in particular is 6.42 mm in diameter (that's a quarter inch!). This stone is colourless - F is the lowest colour grade in the colourless range, but it is still classified as colourless. The diamond will either have one large or several small inclusions that are easy to see under 10x magnification, but hard or impossible to see while looking through the table of a stone with the naked eye(they may be visible through the pavilion with the naked eye). The diamond will be very well cut - the best cut grade possible, in fact! There will be no visible variation in the girdle outline, and all the facets will be well-placed and symmetrical.

It's up to you to decide if this stone matches your criteria - is SI1 a good enough cut grade for you? Is 1.01ct the right size? How "good" a stone is depends on what you want - there will always be bigger, clearer, more colourless diamonds on the market. What makes a stone "good" is if it's the right fit for you. Another stone may be better quality, but if it's out of your price range, then it's not a good stone for you.

In Conclusion

So, you made it this far! Congrats! Hopefully, I haven't bored you too much. We've really just scratched the surface - this was enough information to give you a good idea of what's going on and allow you to navigate the mysticisms of those strange numbers and letters you see associated with diamonds. All information was taken from the GIA Diamond Essentials 130 and Diamonds and Diamond Grading 230 courses and my 6ish years in the jewelry industry. If you have questions about specific pieces of information or want more resources, send me an ask! I will be delighted to answer.

#WOW this on is an absolute beast #final word count is 1674 #fun fact this is how i'm studying for my gemology final #long post #goldsmith answers

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ohdearlingwhathappened · 9 months

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Chapter 3 Kid x Reader x Killer- And then there were two

Chapter 3- Is that all this was

Content Warning: Angst, Hurt no comfort, there will eventually be comfort- you just ain't gonna find it here, Kid is a warning himself soooo

Chapter 1- Is that all this was?, Chapter 2

I am so sorry for how long this took me. I was recently in a car accident, and with college starting back up and my new job, I think my brain was pretty much melted. I'm hoping I'll be able to get back into a normal writing schedule, so fingers crossed. In the meantime- Enjoy the new Chapter!

A bright light streaming in from Kid’s cabin window found its mark on his face, bringing him out of his less than restful sleep. The man brings his arm over his face, not ready to go out and start his day, but it seems his movement and the sound of the bustling crew up above was enough to draw him even further away from sleep’s alluring grasp.

Groaning out a small string of expletives, the arm covering his face lowers and drags the hand down his face. Waking up alone made the whole ‘waking up' thing a lot harder than he remembered it being- he was much more used to slinging an arm over another body to stall or having one of two people gently rousing him. This morning’s experience just adds yet another drop of regret for Kid’s words from yesterday.

Regardless of his difficulty getting out of the bed, Kid forces himself to roll out of bed- quite literally- and gets dressed for the day. Now that he was a little more aware of his surroundings, the fact that enough of his crew was on deck to cause a bit of commotion gave him some pause. They have been at the safehouse for a couple of days now, so Kid is a little surprised more people aren’t on the shore celebrating being on land again.

Going up the stairs to get to the main deck, Kid opens up the door only to bump into the last person who would want to see him at the moment. “Ah… Good morning, Captain. I take it you slept well since it’s well past noon, and this is the first anyone has seen of you today.” The tone was unfamiliar and- while not cold- it wasn’t exactly a warm greeting either.

“I actually slept like shit. Couldn’t get comfortable with all the room I’m not used to.” Kid grunts out with a hint of defensiveness, refusing to look away, no matter how much he wants to. Y/n’s shoulders tensed and they clenched their jaw.

“Well, not to worry, Captain. I’m sure you’ll be able to get someone to warm your bed soon enough. If you’re lucky, they won’t jump to any unsavory conclusions.” Never afraid to get to the point and be cutthroat about it- there’s a reason why Y/n fit in with the Kid Pirates so well. The sardonic smile loosely held on their face and biting tone would make just about anyone flinch, and though it was brief and minute, Kid was no exception.

“Y/n-”

“Now, if you’d be oh so kind to get out of my way, I have more duties to fulfill to do my part on this ship. After all, I haven’t proven myself to be worthy of this crew yet, right?” With that, they push past the broad-shouldered man and begin to make their way downstairs. Until, that is, a hand wraps around their bicep to stop them.

“Would you let me speak, Damnit?!”

“I think you said enough yesterday, Eustass.” Y/n’s tone was now frigid, leaving no room for argument. “Besides, you have your ever-important alliance meeting soon- you don’t have time to chat with the likes of me.” With that, they yank their arm from Kid’s grasp and stomps downstairs, waiting until they know he isn’t going to follow to let the tears they’ve been fighting to finally glide down their face.

Kid, not expecting to have this kind of conversation with Y/n this soon, heaves out a sigh before steeling himself and walking out on deck. The crew appeared to be hard at work, cleaning the deck and making sure any valuables were being stocked away to be put under deck. Wire passes by his captain but stops once he sees the confused look on Kid’s face.

“Y/n thought it would be a good idea to clean up for our… guests. They’ve been a bit on edge- probably just nervous about the meeting with Apoo and Hawkins.” Once he finishes filling Kid in, Wire goes back to helping the rest of the crew out.

There are still a few more hours before the meeting was to begin, so Kid decided to help with a couple of boxes before going into the safe house to work on his side of the negotiations. Killer had helped him set up the parameters of the agreement, to start him off but has most likely left him to his devices after yesterday’s events. The massacre killer would most likely come around to notify him of the incoming ships and will probably stay throughout the meeting to ensure no bloodshed erupts from Kid’s less-than-appealing temper.

This alliance has to go well.

* * * * * * *

“I can’t do it, Kil.” Y/n sighs, their head resting on his chest and arms wrapped loosely around his waist. “Everytime I look at him I feel like I’m going to implode. I’m so angry, but I love him and want to forgive him, but he hasn’t even said sorry. One second I want to punch him, the next I want to cry and have him comfort me… What’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing. You’re hurting.” Killer’s left hand is placed atop their head, his right is wrapped around the back of their shoulders, keeping them close.

“You were dragged into this, and I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to pick sides between your par- whatever we all are.” Y/n cutting themself off from calling them lovers cut both of them. And despite having no more tears to shed, they hiccup- grieving the relationship that apparently never existed in the first place.

“Look at me-” Killer, holds their chin to bring their eyes to meet his mask, “I love you. You are my partner. And no matter what he says, Kid does too- his head is just too far up his own ass.”

It wasn’t the first time Killer had said he loved them, but it wasn’t a common occurrence and every time made Y/n smile.

“I love you too, Killer,” They took his mask-clad head in their hands and brought it down to place a kiss on his forehead, and then resting their own against his. “But I can’t stay. Not right now.”

Killer stiffened and breathed out a heavy sigh. “Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know quite yet. I just need time and space away from him.”

Killer doesn’t respond. While he understands their need to go, he can’t help but to worry about their safety- this is the New World, not the South Blue. His hold tightens around Y/n, knowing this could be the last time he gets to do this for a while. “I get it. But please, be careful.”

“Don’t worry about me- I’ll be totally fine. Look, if his plans stay the same, you all should pass by Wano within the next month- and no matter what, I promise you to come back. Nothing will get in my way.”

The usually stoic man had a slight tremble to his frame, never loosening his grip around one of the two most important people in his life, despite feeling like they’re slipping through his fingers. “You better.”

“Promise me you’ll stay safe too.”

“I swear.”

“And make sure that moron doesn’t do anything stupid either. Ok?”

“That’s a big ask, little one, but I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, Kil.”

With their conversation having come to an end, they both stand there, soaking in each others’ warmth and touch, for a few more moments before Y/n pulls away, kisses his mask once more, and makes their way out of the small cabin- leaving Killer alone, wondering how things could have gone this wrong in not even 48 hours.

Taglist: @claxdoesntknow @teddyitalia @baelien-queen @heilee @iamn1ya @gnarlycrys

#one piece #angst #eustass kid #eustass x reader x killer #fanfic writing #one peiece x reader #one piece fanfic #tw angst #angst no comfort #I promise there will be comfort... eventually #Is that all this was

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rachelscookierecipe · 2 months

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Vegan & Gluten Free Brownie Cookies

by Rachel (sort of)

Adapted myself from the ingredients of my favourite vegan & gluten free brownies, and my favourite brownie cookies. Credits at the end.

Ingredients (makes 35-40 21g cookies)

262g gluten free flour (I use Doves Farm/Freee brand, #notspon)

187g golden or light brown sugar

32g cocoa powder

¾ teaspoon baking powder

¼ teaspoon salt (a small pinch)

150g dark chocolate (I use dark cooking chocolate from Tesco that is soy based and dairy-free)

112ml vegetable oil

112ml vegan “buttermilk” (15 parts soy milk + 1 part lemon juice, details below)

Coarse/flaky salt for sprinkling (optional, so damn good)

Tools (and I don’t mean the one writing this)

Large mixing bowl

Medium bowl for dry ingredients

Smaller bowl for melting chocolate

A saucepan of similar size to your small bowl if melting chocolate on the hob

Wooden spoon (or if you have one of those fancy silicone spatulas, they’re perfect)

Dinner plate

Baking tray + baking paper

A few teaspoons for scoopin’

Measuring spoons (optional but very helpful for accuracy)

Recipe

So when I was a lad… just kidding. I do have stories about how I learned to bake, but this is my own recipe, so those stories are pretty irrelevant here.

Step 0: Don’t preheat your oven.

I usually don’t preheat my oven until shortly before I’m ready to bake, I don’t know why recipes always start with that.

We will not be baking anything for at least an hour, as the cookie dough requires chilling for at least 45 minutes once mixed, ideally longer. This helps prevent spread on the baking tray, and makes it easier to form into dough balls.

Step 1: Measure your dry ingredients.

I am very inclined to forget one as I go, so here’s a checklist:

Flour: 262g

Cocoa: 32g

Sugar: 187g

Salt: ¼ teaspoon

Baking powder: ¾ teaspoon

Add all the dry ingredients, except the sugar, to the medium bowl. Pop the sugar into the large bowl.

Step 2: Vegan buttermilk. Wait, that’s not an instruction!

We’re going to curdle some ‘milk’, for chemistry reasons I don’t really understand. Add 105ml of soy milk to the large bowl, then add 7ml (approx. 1 teaspoon) of lemon juice. I know, these measurements are pants. Don’t stress too much over the precision. The milk should ‘split’, and look gross! If it doesn’t, that’s fine too.

Add the vegetable oil, and observe hydrophobicity in action.

Step 3: Melt the chocolate.

I like to do this in a ‘double boiler’, which is a fancy way to say melting it in a bowl over a pan of simmering water. Feel free to do this in a microwave. If you do, be careful not to overheat it, do it in bursts until the chocolate has a silky consistency.

It’s harder to get wrong with the double boiler, for physics reasons, but it should only take a few minutes with a steady simmer. Once a knife can be pushed through the chocolate with no resistance, turn the heat off and stir the chocolate to ensure it has melted all the way through. Add the melted chocolate to the large bowl, and stir until combined.

Note: This is the one time before baking that we are adding heat to the mix. Before baking, I highly recommend the dough is cooled completely, so the hotter the chocolate is at this stage, the longer the mixture will need to cool.

Step 4: Add the dry ingredients and mix.

Shake or spoon in the dry ingredients gradually, stirring a couple times between each addition to avoid making a dust cloud. Once you’ve added them in, stir to combine, taking pains to scrape down the sides of the mixing bowl and incorporate large lumps of flour/cocoa powder. Small lumps (smaller than a pea) will bake out, so don’t worry about those. Your dough should be smooth, firm, and probably looking the way the cookies will look a day after you eat them. Sorry.

Step 5: Chill out.

Cover the bowl and stick it in the fridge. 45 minutes is the absolute minimum I would suggest, but if you can give it an hour or two, or overnight, even better. The next step is to scoop the dough into little balls, and that will be less messy and less of a f***ing nightmare if you just chill it for a while. Pro tip: Put your dinner plate in the fridge with the bowl. I wished I had done this every single time.

Step 6: Okay, I lied to you. The next step is actually to preheat the oven.

180°C conventional, 160°C fan. I don’t know what that is for gas ovens, sorry.

Step 7: Balls.

Using a spoon, maybe two, and your hands (unless you’re a magic space wizard who can do this with just the spoons), scoop a lump of the cookie dough out of the bowl and weigh it. My control weight for this recipe is 21g, but you could go larger if you wanted to. This makes a cookie of approximately- where’s my ruler? 5.5 cm diameter. I weighed each ball, because I’m a really fun person, but you can just weigh one and make the rest about the same size. Or weigh none of them, and guess the baking time adjustment! You feeling lucky, punk? If it’s taking you a while to get through this, and it probably will, I suggest covering the balls and returning them to the fridge for a few minutes before baking, as they’ve probably warmed considerably from being handled. Tee-hee.

Step 8: Prepare for baking.

Cover your baking tray with parchment. Put your balls on the tray, spaced 3-4 cm apart to avoid creating a colossal, all-consuming cookie mon- uh, beast. Unless you want that. I did this by mistake once, and don’t recommend it. Squish the balls down slightly into pucks, maybe 1.5 cm tall but I didn’t measure, this just makes it easier to sprinkle some coarse, crunchy salt flakes on top. Yum yum! I don’t know if I need to say this, but don’t overcrowd your tray. If you have more balls than you can fit on the tray, use another tray or wait until the first batch are baked and reuse this one.

Step 9: Bake.

Stick that mofo in the oven, for 8 minutes if you made them 21g like I said, or longer if you made them bigger. They’re done when they’ve spread out and the tops have dried up and cracked, revealing a darker, cakey interior. I’m drooling right now. If you poke them at this stage (careful, they’re hot, duh), they should give with little to no resistance. This is good! If they’re completely solid straight out of the oven they’re overcooked, and will be rocks by the time they have cooled down. I’m sorry if this happened to you! Take the next batch out just a little bit sooner. Let the cookies cool on the tray until the tray is cool enough to touch. This will take longer if your tray is thicker, but I promise you it’s worth the wait. Once the tray is warm but not hot, the cookies should be solid enough to transfer to a cooling rack. If you’re nervous, use a metal fish slice or a fork, slid underneath each cookie to avoid breaking them up.

Step 10: There were no more steps. This is the end.

You can eat them now! Alternatively, allow to cool and eat within… okay I don’t know what the shelf life is, but they’re cookies, they shouldn’t last very long. Anecdotally, when I did my last batch, I had some in the tin from three months ago, and they tasted fine, but I don’t recommend eating three-month-old baked goods!

And now: pictures.

Captions (and alt text) in the alt text.

Credits

Do recipes have credits? Not in my experience. This recipe however borrows heavily from:

Alison Andrews at Loving It Vegan: https://lovingitvegan.com/vegan-gluten-free-brownies

Janine Ratcliffe at Olive Magazine: https://www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/baking-and-desserts/classic-chocolate-brownies

/u/dundundah at reddit dot com: https://reddit.com/r/Baking/comments/97ag96/brownie_cookies/e46zinq

I’m Rachel. That’s as much detail as you’re going to get about me. K bye!

#baking #cookies #vegan baking #gf baking #gluten free baking

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shai-manahan · 1 year

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Hollowed Minds Progress Update 5/08/23

Hi! I know I failed at making a progress update last month, so first of all, apologies for that! Things have just been busy tbh and life has been too stressful that at some points I just couldn't write. It's why I've been a bit inactive here as well, and why I've been barely answering the asks I've been receiving.

I cannot report yet how many words I've written for the update so far because I haven't really taken a look at it myself, but I will do so at the end of the month if there's still no confirmed schedule by then. My eye health has just been very consistent at making my life harder as well until recently, and here's hoping I'll at least be able to function properly for a whole month🤞

Some things that will be in the next update:

For Chapter 2's Part 2:

Everything still goes as planned, except now both routes are expected to be fast-paced and action-oriented, though one is still more intense than the other.

This will be a massive one, not because of the word count but because of the variations that will play out. There won't be much issues in arranging the transitions to Chapter 3, so there's at least that, but your choices will matter a lot. So you might have to be careful with them.

One of the routes gets Alonzo actively involved, but please be assured that this doesn't mean you have to romance them. I actually encourage you all to check out both routes once they come because you'll gain more discoveries that way. 👀

Alonzo's route will be so memeworthy, I have to admit. Please try it.

There's an info dump in Chapter 2's Part 1 that I'm not really a fan of, so I'll be moving some of those to this part instead if needed.

For the overall IF:

Alex will now have a set skin tone if a lighter one is chosen for the Ripper. I will discuss this in detail soon, but I just wanted to emphasize that Alex and Ripper's mother are canonically PoC.

You will have options for your Ripper to wear contacts or glasses (or neither ofc).

You'll be able to bring a weapon with you in Chapter 2 depending on your choices so far.

You might remember a section of Chapter 1 where you can choose what your Ripper had been doing for the duration of the five months. I might reduce it to a few, just so I could have them properly recognized in the story.

There will be a couple of changes in the character descriptions in the game's stats page, with plans to make them shorter, too, for easier readability.

I will make sure you'll have saves at the end of this. So please don't be surprised if there'll be more page breaks in the future, as well as more choices (that are still as meaningful.)

In connection to above, I also plan to make the in-game descriptions snappier and easier to read while still maintaining the quality they should have. Your feedback will be very important for this, and this also applies to the beta testers (sorry I've been so silent. I swear I'll get back to you all soon lmao)

Not really too related here, but I also plan to be more consistent with my updates in the future. It's just that my irl schedule is still a huge mess, and it's very hard to be consistent when that happens.

Just a last piece of my mind. Some anons have been very aggressive with harassment the past few months, and I really have no interest for more drama right now. So if you have issues, if you think you can back your own words, send them through a DM or at least turn off anon so we could have a proper conversation.

It's honestly tiring. Being an Asian in this community can already be so tiring, so I am begging people to be mature and responsible with their words. After all, I've repeatedly said that you can always come to me with your concerns or whatever you have against me. As long as we can actually talk about it.

Anyway, that's all, and I hope the week will be good for everyone :) I have a few more things to post on Patreon tomorrow, so if you're a current patron, do look forward to that!

#hollowed minds series #interactive fiction #hollowed minds #wip #writing #hollowed minds book one #if wip #interactive novel #hollowed minds progress update #progress update #interactive game #if game #cyoa

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slightlyaggressiveaffirmations · 1 year

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So, Slightly Aggressive Affirmer, what's your whole deal?

Great question, Clive.

(Sorry, I thought you were some sort of chat show host called Clive. Let me readjust my worldview)

Great question, friends. Why did I write Aggressive Affirmations in a consistently reliable, ritual manner for 5 years and then stop doing it and constantly keep coming back and promising to start again and never making good on it?

Well. There are actually 3 answers to that question.

Answer #1

To begin with, let's reposition our worldview - just as we did with Clive. Now, let's change the way we see me, The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer. What if we put a new filter over me - we'll call it the "Autism Filter". I haven't got the money to go through the diagnosis process but it's looking pretty likely.

With that filter on, look again at my being absolutely focused on writing affirmations for 5 years and then stopping to suddenly focus obsessively on my research work for the next 2 or 3 - except for the two months I took off to sit on the porch every single day and write a medieval romance novel.

Now I want to get back into affirming again and I try to - I still feel it's important and I keep saying to myself I'll do it - but I just don't have that obsessive drive to do it anymore.

I think if we look at this with the autism filter, it starts to paint a pretty clear picture of what might be going on here...

Answer #2

It became more and more difficult, and more high stakes to write affirmations, as the number of followers kept growing. There are now 15000 - although who knows how many of you are still on Tumblr? But that's a lot of responsibility and it became very stressful to keep making sure SAAs are for everyone and that no one feels excluded by them (excepting people who should always be excluded, like Nazis). When it was just a few random people reading affirmations, it was much easier to chuck in a few and whatever. But the more the blog grew, the greater the stress.

Answer #3

I started writing Slightly Aggressive Affirmations for myself. I was the only one following the blog and it was set to send ME reminders of my own value - in the kind of aggressive language necessary to get through to me - because I was extremely low on confidence and needed real force to get it in to my head. But then things snowballed.

Thing is - I don't need them any more. It's harder to think of the kinds of things I should write, because I know longer need them myself. I have Slightly Aggressively Affirmed myself to a really great place, in terms of my self confidence and self love. I still have bipolar, and right now my life isn't going so great, so I get depressed but I do not believe fundamentally, at my core, that I am bullshit trash.

My primary emotion nowadays is possibly worse! I'm driven by anger a lot of the time - I've got a lot of deep rage, caused by long ago trauma. (I'm in therapy, don't worry). But I think most people would agree that I'm a fundamentally different person to who I was pre-pandemic. I'll tell you more about it some time. But I am drastically different - and definitely more than SLIGHTLY aggressive most of the time.

In conclusion, I believe affirming used to be an autistic special interest of mine and now it is not - but I'd love to make it one again! Especially now my two-year long, 65 000 word research project is finished. But it's much harder to get back to where I was, because the number of followers I have now is different, Tumblr is different and I am hugely different as a person.

Thankyou for reading this short essay/memoir. I'll see what I can do about a little affirming tomorrow.

Always remember that YOU MATTER!!! YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! YOU ARE THE ONLY FUCKING YOU IN THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD!!! THINK ABOUT HOW FUCKING MAGICAL THAT IS!!!

#admin note

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for-yoongi0309 · 9 months

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231012 | RM on weverse

Hello

It is my last birthday in my twenties. Though I am not sure if it’s because of my professional characteristics, but it feels that a bit of shyness that accompanies the day that is called "birthday." even though i believe that its just a day that isn't too big of a deal in my opinion.. i yet feel so happy and blessed that so many people send their sincerest wishes.

From time to time, i think that love is something that gives and creates a name to someone. to where Kim Namjoon becomes ‘Kim Namjoon’. and it is all because of you, even although it is just one day out of the many 365 days in a year, 29 year old me isn’t just a day that is passing by.

Except I want to be a person who can be as honest as one can be, i wonder, to what extent exactly, could the existence of the untouchable and palpable of a relationship between fans and the artists that possibly go beyond and reach up to.

Can everything just be accepted under some kind of phantasm that is called love? I am still experiencing times where expressing my inner thoughts honestly becomes the heel of an Achilles, and then honesty becomes a wound, but i am still not so sure.

I had said in the past that i was sad and that it was growing harder for me to talk about things. I feel that statement still stands true however. but however, i have grown calmer. because i received so much sincerity that one may or may not receive in one’s life in the form of cloudbursting downpour.

I regarded despondency and futility to be cool, but i realized that i am also someone who is optimistic and positive. isn't that a miracle? lately I've been living with the phrase, ‘why not?’. i want to live by sharing the optimism that i have received from the people around me. and I am also pressing down and holding onto my next songs that will be released someday. yes. But could I show honesty in a more beautiful method other than with music? It's a truth everyone knows but it feels as if it's still not enough.

And that is why I sometimes wonder if i became BTS because of this. because i wanted to do so in various ways. whether it be through programs, interview, or dance, whatever it may be.. how blessed of a life this has become. and wherever i am, these things make me want to see it clearly with my own two eyes and reflect on. they say its destiny when things coincidentally overlap but they also say coincidence is also fate disguised as serendipity.

However, i think that is of a similar reason to why I'm writing this letter to you. it feels as if i would have written this letter in September of 2023, regardless of which version of me i would have been. every time, my birthday letter is describing the place that i have arrived at but done in different languages of love each time. because of all of you, i am living really well. i want to live well. i just want to tell you every time, that i am loving you with the best version of myself.

However else, i cannot hug each and every one of you and with that, my heart transcends with those feelings. no matter what appearance i may take, i wont ask for you to love me. but i will put in the effort that reflects all of the love I have received.

The last birthday inside my twenties is going smoothly simply like this. let us be healthy and happy for a long time, no matter what sky we’re under. Let's meet again after some time passes. sincerely wishing you an early, if not a belated, happy birthday to you as well! thank you.

— Namjoon

#ultkpopnetwork #mgroupsedit #idolsincedits #maleidolsedit #namjoon #kim namjoon #rm #bts #bangtan #w.weverse #0912

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phaerlax · 6 months

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you as the WolfBoyGuy and me as someone who has just recently seen the puppy light, do you have any tips or what you'd consider Required Reading to get a good grip on writing wolf boys? moreso karu than garu just because i personally have a hard time writing dudes with as much bluster and "doesn't tend to default to conventionally agreed on niceties". i have (admittedly mild) torments I'd like to put him through >_>

Anon is asking me about blorbo... I have been training for this for so long... behold now the ramblings of a man possessed by two wolves. I'll talk a bit about how I approach writing Karu and then include some curated recs.

It took me some time to really get going on wolfboy fics; I also found it challenging to handle Karu's characterization. Two big reasons why:

Tsunderes are just difficult to do if you're grounded in realism. It's a very 'anime' archetype and people don't behave quite like that. This makes it harder to naturally reach for reasonable/appropriate responses when putting the character in situations. The big want/think/say/do splits can also complicate straightforward scenarios (e.g. the character wants something and does what he needs to do in order to get it. This path is often closed to the tsundere).

The game gives little insight into Karu's inner world. NU: Carnival is very dialogue-heavy in its narrative. When we do get introspection, it's often Eiden-focused. This means we basically never get to see the thought process that leads Karu to act this way or that, except in the rare instances in which he talks to himself (like in some H scenes when he goes "ugh it feels so good but-").

The style that I ended up developing for my angry wolf boy writings follows these principles:

Keep him silly. This is because I fundamentally see Karu as a comical character. Yeah, his personality can be traced back to traumas and there's a lot of interesting stuff to explore in that regard, but I am not personally interested in that tbh. The reason I love him is the wacky nonsense and ridiculous behavior that we see in the game. It was at first sight for me. I didn't need depth and I still don't XD Any advice and references I provide are skewed by that. I have a preference for almost never taking him seriously.

Mind his 'narrativization' tendencies. Karu is comically very enamored by the idea/narrative that he's a mighty warrior with many great skills who will conquer humanity and who should be respected and served. On some level, he knows this isn't entirely true, so he will sometimes (try to) avoid situations that would bring attention to his shortcomings. But most often he's trying to prove himself and get others to share his narrative. When something or someone reinforces the narrative, he gets proud, pleased or happy-flustered. When something or someone goes against the narrative, he gets annoyed and angry-flustered. He is very good at ignoring reality, however. Even though he'll seemingly take exception to every little slight, he moves on very quickly and pretends nothing happened. And though he's stubborn, he's also willing to surrender, cut his losses and 'try another day' when he's foiled.

Mix his narrativization with the narration a lot. This kind of free indirect discourse is just my style in general, but with Karu I find myself using it more intensely, to such an extent that the narration can get quite dialogue-like in how it expresses his thoughts. When I want to portray a 'tsundere stumble' moment, I sometimes make the narration interrupt itself as Karu consciously aborts a line of thinking that would lead him to unacceptable conclusions.

Let him just be rude for no reason and with little consequence. Karu's default way of addressing and dealing with people (other than Kuya) is rudeness. At best, he attempts some form of condescension in which the reason he's doing something 'nice' is because you're so weak and he's so awesome or whatever. Most characters seem to simply not mind his behavior and, again, it's usually played for laughs anyway.

Bibliography of Karu Studies

Keep in mind that many Karu fics are kuyaru, and Karu in kuyaru is quite different from the core of the character, since he's uniquely eager to please Kuya. Still, even kuyarus can have some nice insight.

who let the dogs out has a lot of juicy Karu inner conflict, and it even explores the ways in which such hangups make him outwardly grumpier. Due to kuyaru, it ultimately leads him to a place of submission, but his initial thoughts are very in-character.

Baser Instincts is a kuyaru in which Kuya gets to see the pups in a new light, because they help him in a difficult situation. It's another great source of inspiration for Karu struggling to express his feelings.

Bow Down! explores how he might react to Eiden letting him top, in a very true-to-character way.

Lonely at the Top is Karu/Dante, which means you get to see Karu at his prickliest and most insufferable, and how that can be managed.

A Matter of Pride is a good example of the 'concessions' dynamic that can be done in Eiden/Karu.

Goshujin-Ai is an older Karu/Yakumo and a good example of Karu feeling comfortable and doing the 'attempts at condescension' thing I mentioned before.

Slave number one, rub my chest again is me speculating on what it might look like for Karu to ask Eiden to do things to him and try to control sex.

Warden slander wolf Commander is probably a good example of the 'fine I give up but I'll get you next time' potential of Karu, as well as the kind of bleed-heavy narration I talked about.

Master, do you have another wolf besides me?! delves into Karu's potential for jealousy as a way of expressing affection. It's pretty canon-compliant because most of it is adapted from NEON Carnival.

There are many other fics in the Karufic Archive, but I think the ones above are among the best for the purposes of thinking about the writing.

Please feel free to talk to me non-anonymously if you ever want to discuss wolf boy content! As you can see I am cursed with thoughts and need places to put them. I'm also always very happy to do anything that I can to shepherd and sponsor GaruKaru content; if you go ahead with your impulse to write about them (please do) and want a beta reader, don't hesitate to ask~

#nu carnival #nu carnival fanfic #nu carnival karu

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