#except that it was my mom singing and she was praying not cooking

[crackishincorrecthp]

James: *Trying to cook Lily breakfast in bed while singing* Lily, running into the kitchen while panicking: JAMES! Are you okay?! James: Yeah Lily: Then why I heard you screaming? James: I-I was singing... Lily: Oh

[aria-i-adagio]

Fourth Try’s Not the Charm

for @autumnofanders Day 3: Kinloch

Wordcount: ~2100 Rating: T

CW: templar abuse, imprisonment, hurt/comfort

Anders didn’t plan his fourth escape from Kinloch Hold. It was a crime of opportunity. About two months after his Harrowing, some of the senior enchanters talked the Greagoir into letting them take the recently harrowed mages outside to teach them some spells that could be used with water - in the water. Supposedly, they could be trusted now. Allowed a bit more leeway.

He wasn't planning on doing anything except enjoying the sun, but once he's mastered a spell that creates an artificial current - intended to propel a boat - well, it only made sense to see if the same spell would work for a human body.

Yes.

And by the grace of Andraste or some other power, no one notices when he takes as deep of a breath as he can manage, ducks under the water, and reemerges a good fifty yards closer to shore.

Anders hides out on an overgrown bank for the rest of the day, then steals some clothes from a line and a handful or two of carrots from the ground in the little village beside the docks, and then he's gone.

It takes them one month and five days to find him in Amaranthine.

Anders is already pretty beat up when they get him back to the Tower. Greagoir is infuriated - angrier than Anders has ever seen him - and orders a public whipping to get his point across. Thirty lashes. Anders tells himself that he’ll live through that... he thinks. After about ten or so, his mind just sort of drops out, floats away, to nowhere in particular. Just somewhere very, very far away. He’s not really conscious again until someone tosses a bucket of salted water across his back, then two knights are hauling him down the steps and dumping him face-first onto a thin mattress.

The next time he’s aware of anything there’s a woman arguing with the guards outside the door.

“Sorry, ma'am, but the Knight-Commander wants him to be an example.”

“He won't make a very good example if he's dead, will he?” A very stern, determined woman. Wynne. Just what he needs. A warm, maternal tongue lashing. “Let me through. I won't do anything other than drive out infection.”

“Let her pass. Drop the dampening wards for her as well.”

The door creaks open. Anders can’t tell if the light in the cell increases. His face is too well hidden in his arms. Wynne touches his bicep and shakes him until he groans and turns his head to the side. “Hi, Mom.”

“You are the damnedest fool I’ve ever met.” Wynne tweaks his ear. “Don't you realize how much trouble you create for the rest of us? How worried some of us were about you?”

“I'm not the problem. If they didn’t -”

She sighs. “I’ve heard all of this from you before. You’re old enough to know better.”

Heat radiates from her hands as they hover over Anders’ back. It’s not a full healing spell, but it will keep the open welts from getting infected. And possibly calm the fever that Anders can tell is running dangerously high. Might get an interesting dream or two out of it to pass the time.

“That’s all I’m allowed to do.” Wynne gathers his hair at the base of his neck and brushes the back of her hand over his temple and cheek. “They're leaving you down here for two months and ten days, Anders.”

“Ah, I'll get caught up on my sleep.”

“Don’t jest. I suggest using the time to pray for some wisdom.” She pats his cheek and stands up. “You're smarter than this. You have a lot to offer if you would just learn to accept reality.”

***

Light. Even the limited light of Kinloch Hold’s entry hall is more than Anders can hand;e after two months and change in the dark. An unsympathetic Templar shoves him toward the door that leads into the library. They’re done taking him apart. If any of the other mages want to bother putting him back together, he’s their problem now.

Karl grabs him almost as soon he staggers into the library and shakes him by the shoulders. “You moron.” Then he leans close and kisses him. “You fucking idiot.”

Anders winces at the contact. A kick in the side is about as much human interaction as he’s experienced in the past... however long. In the dark, time collapses and expands in unpredictable ways.

Dark. His vision goes dark around the edges, and his knees give up.

Karl catches him and pulls Anders’ arm across his shoulder, holding him up. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

Anders hadn’t had the time to fully explore the quarters where the mages who had survived the Harrowing but who weren’t yet enchanters slept. The baths off to the side are about the same as the ones in the apprentices’ dorm though. Cast iron tubs with chips in the enamel and a few folding screens to approximate privacy. Hand pumps for water. A drain in the floor for the same.

They’re on the second tub of water, and Anders is beginning to worry about just what Karl used as a bribe to get this much water and time. “I’m going to have to cut these out.” Karl has been trying for what seems like hours now to work loose the mats in Anders’ hair. Or maybe they’ve only been here a few minutes; Anders isn’t sure.

“Go ahead,” he mumbles.

“Maker, baby...” Karl pushes lightly on the back of his head. Anders lets his chin fall forward onto his chest. The sound of metal scraping together grates against his ears as Karl begins snipping clumps out of his hair. Karl is careful, working slowly and pushing his fingers along Anders’ scalp to keep from cutting the skin by mistake. It’ll grow back. Just like skin does.

He rests his elbows on the edge of the tub and lets his fingers dangle in the water. It’s warm, he knows, but he can’t really feel it, any more than he could really feel the rough fabric of a washcloth scrubbing across his skin.

“What are you humming?” Karl is still trimming, maybe trying to even out the length.

“Am I humming?” Anders started singing to himself maybe a week, maybe two, after he was left alone. Then it turned to humming. He doesn’t even think about it now.

Karl leans around him, scoops up a double handful of water, and rinses out his hair. “There we go.” He presses his cheek against Anders, beard prickling against freshly shaven skin. “Let’s get you dried off and dressed. Do you want to try to walk a bit? The garden is still nice.”

Anders can’t find the energy to respond or even to raise his hand and investigate the feeling of short hair. Karl decides for him, guiding him to the kitchens and begging a bowl of soup and a thick chunk of bread from one of the Tranquil cooks. He sits across from Anders, watching as he eats. Anders doesn’t finish the food, his stomach starts to feel tight and painful before he’s even halfway through. He stares at the surface of the thin soup and stirs it absently.

“Can’t eat more? They’ve starved you too.” Karl reaches across the table and touches his face, frowning when Anders reflexively pulls away. “I’ve never seen your cheeks so hollow.”

“Shoulda left the beard then.”

Karl almost smiles. “Let’s try to stretch your legs a bit then.”

Even though the autumn day is overcast, the garden is almost too bright. Anders has to pull up the hood of his robe to shade his eyes before he can bear it, and he isn't able to walk far before he has to sit down on one of the stone benches. So much for running.

The walled garden is busy with mages trying to catch a bit of sun before winter sets in, but everyone except Karl gives him a wide berth. Anders has no complaints, he can barely manage to not cry with delight from hearing other human voices - or to panic because he’s no longer accustomed to hearing the sounds of people interacting with each other and going about their business.

How much he can stand to be touched comes and goes, but after the first several times Anders flinched away, Karl waits for him to initiate anything, not even daring to hold his hand. It’s probably safer for Karl if that remains the case. Anders just creates trouble for anyone who cares about him.

“You should go. They’ll be watching anyone with me.”

“Fuck that. Besides, I’m already marked.”

“I’m sorry, Karl.” Anders slumps against his shoulder, blinking rapidly in a futile attempt to not start crying. Maybe it’s just the light causing his eyes to water.

“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart.”

“Can we go back inside? I’m tired.” He hadn’t expected to be tired after spending so much time sleeping.

“Yes. If that’s what you want.”

***

Anders’ bed is just as he left it. No one had taken the opportunity to steal a desirable lower bunk tucked into the corner. A sign of respect? Or just Karl zealously guarding it? Who knows?

Anders crawls in and lays down gingerly on the mattress. His back is finally whole as of an hour or two ago when Karl peeled the filthy shirt off him, squeaked in dismay, and healed the one or two remaining welts that had been stubbornly refusing to close up. But Anders has gotten accustomed to moving with care to avoid reopening them. It’ll be some time before he’ll be able to bring himself to move carelessly, freely again.

Anders curls on his side and lays his head down on the large pillow, wrapping his arms around the much smaller one his mother gave him. The threads of the artful needlework are beginning to fade, much like the memory of her face.

Karl shakes out a blanket, drapes it over him, and starts to pull the curtains around the bed.

“No.” All the muscles in Anders’ body tighten, and his right calf spasms painfully. “Stop.”

Karl freezes. His eyes widen then soften with something between pity and pain of his own. Anders reaches out to him. “Will you stay with me? Please. Please don’t leave me alone. And not in the dark.”

Karl sits on the edge of the bed and strokes Anders’ hair. The short length transfers more of the sensation to his scalp, and Anders chokes back the sob that the gentle contact elicits.

“Do you want me to lay down with you?”

Anders nods. His throat is too tight to speak. Karl crawls into bed next to him and pulls the curtains around it partially closed, leaving at least some light streaming in. He folds one arm under his head and continues stroking Anders' hair and cheek.

“I’ve missed you,” Karl whispers.

Three, nearly four months, counting the time Anders was on the run and if in fact, Greagoir had only left him locked up for the time he first named and hadn’t conveniently forgotten about him for a few days or weeks more than promised.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re not the problem. It’s this miserable place.”

“Keep talking.” Anders hasn't heard voices that weren't gruff commands in so long. “Please. Anything. Tell me what happened while I was...” His voice trails off.

“Hmm... Amaury finished his thesis. He’s got two apprentices now. One accidentally set a tree in the garden on fire last week. He let the Templars scramble for a minute or two before extinguishing it.”

Anders smiles, even if he can't quite find the strength to laugh.

“Speaking of Templars, two were caught at it in a stairwell the other day, and dear Knight-Captain Maude is furious because she'd been tupping one of them, but she can't say anything of course, because you know Greagoir frowns on cross rank relationships. So that's been a bit fun to watch.”

“Ah, so much honor and self-restraint from our selfless protectors.”

“As always. Let’s see... The Formari were asked to up their production of goods. I guess the Chantry didn’t get enough donations this year, or some Revered Mother wants new drapery for her halls. Pity that increased speed increases mistakes. Exponentially, of course.”

“Of course.” The Tranquil within the Formari might not care about being asked to do more, but the enchanters would find subtle ways to indicate their displeasure.

“Enchanter Ines managed to arrange another research trip, so every mage with any training in botany or herbalism is jockeying for a position. Have you ever seen what happens when a growth spell is cast on a fly trap?”

“Please tell me the overgrown carnivorous plant caught a Templar.” Anders manages a chuckle. “I should ask to go. Ines loves me. Maybe I could take a vow of silence."

"Now, now -” Karl kisses the tip of his nose. “Don't make promises you can’t keep.”

[nightmaretyrantvantas]

 Ok guys its finally finished!!

Introducing the last two main families in my anxciet au!

Please meet the princes

The Prince family

( from left to right)

Rebecca Prince

The boys’s Mother, goes by the names Mother, Ma, and Bec-bec

Her and Diana have been married for 7 years at this point, and been together for about 10(they met and started dating on and off since high school until they got back together permanently during college)

Punk mom punk mom punk mom punk mom punk mom-

She raised roman on her own for his first year before remus was born, in which she started dating Diana again more seriously

She majored in nursing and later in  sociology in college before dropping out to take care of her boys and raise them right

Shes currently going back to school for the sociology degree inbetween her current job

She works as nurse and receptionist at a doctors office in town

Shes in her mid forties current time( where roman is 22, remus is 21, and kingley is 14)

Shes a pretty tough love kinda parent, and doesnt mind rough housing with her boys when they get too out of line and rowdy( they all enjoy the playfullness of it)

But compared to Diana she is not the scary when angry parent, and she can actually be pretty lenient with the boys depending on the situation

She also tends to be the one who gives into their requests and in kingley’s case, puppy eyes, though she puts on a tough front when she does

Rebecca is such a softie for her family I just i cant she loves them so much

She makes dad jokes just to annoy and embarrass her sons, but only makes either classic dad jokes or purposely really bad ones

100% supportive of her older boys’s relationships, and loves to tease Roman about Patton all the time

She also enjoys building things, and helped build the play structure and treehouse that are in the backyard.

Shes probably the reason Remus has no filter, as she has little filter herself

Her hair is naturally honey brown but she dyed it recently to make a statement to a shitty coworker so currently her hair is purple blue and pink

Shes usually pretty reserved around anyone thats not her family, so its a bit of a shock when people see her playful and rowdy compared to her reserved, professional front

Remus prince

The middle child at 21 but hey he can (legally) drink!

Wild feral trash man no matter what, but now hes got a switchblade and two brothers hed fucking kill for( though he wont admit it about roman)

Hes dating Logan and shows a slightly softer side to him only, and hes ride or die with his boyfriend

He tried college but it didnt suit him, so he ended up dropping out and instead getting two part time jobs: one as a vet assistant and one as a bartender, both located near his current apartment

Hes been best friends with Ethen for as long as he can remember, they grew up together and he considers Ethen a brother practically, and remus would probably be in a bad place without him and Remus recognizes this

He has a love for theater and acting that he shares with his older brother Roman and was in pretty much every school performance growing up, and even majored in theater for a bit when he was in college

He also writes alot of original short horror stories 

Hes an adrenaline junkie and loves doing reckless things for the fun of it( usually dragging Ethen or Logan along with him)

He doesnt have a youtube channel of his own but he pops up frequently enough on Ethen’s channel when joining him for explorations that Ethen’s subscribers know him well, and love seeing him in videos

Hes only got two filter and their names are Logan and Ethen 

He wants to get a snakes as pets just as much as Ethen but Their apartment has strict rules 

That did not however stop him from bringing home a in rehabilitation small fresh water turtle home from work one day, and its the only exception to the no pets rule because Remus fought tooth and nail over the fact it was part of his JOB DAMMIT HES KEPPING THE TURTLE IT NEEDS CONSTANT CARE--

ahem. anyway the turtles name is Sir snappy and he adores her

He LOVES teasing both his brothers, even if it means getting teased back he can usually take what he dishes out

usually.

He also has a drivers license but does not currently have a car as he is trying to save up to buy a motorcycle 

Kingley “King” Prince

The youngest of the family!! The also the shortest!!

He goes by the nickname “ King” and has for a couple years now

Hes fourteen and hes very upbeat and cheerful!

Hes also one of Andy’s best friends( He isnt crushing on andy dont listen to remus) and theyve been friends since second grade

Did I mention that they have sleepovers as often as they can? Because they try to. Usually King, andy, and Liam are nearly glued to the hips unless they cant be

Hes got a wild imagination and lots of ideas that he loves to share and try to put out as songs, stories, drawings, etc

He has severe ADHD and takes medication to help him narrow his focus more, as well as to keep his energy levels more consistent so he wouldnt be hugely energetic in the morning and dull and falling asleep by noon. But the medication doesnt effect his creativity sometimes it even helps boost it because he can focus better on his ideas instead of getting too many ideas at once to focus on and work on

His hair has blonde highlights in the winter and looks nearly fully blonde in the summer

Hes got his mama’s caramel brown eyes and tanner skin, as apposed to his ma’s more peachy skin and green eyes

This boy loves to wrestle and roughhouse, hes got alot of energy that needs to be ran out by bedtime and what better way then wrestling his older brothers for the tv remote when they visit? Or playing games at the park or in the backyard until the sun goes down 

He also loves to sing and draw, he can usually be caught humming and you can find doodles all over his homework and school assignments

He also got braces when he was 12 and he loves them and always gets new colors for them as often as he can convinces his parents to agree to

Roman Prince

The eldest brother at 22!

He works at the local theater as a theater tech and assistant director and also performs in a good chunk of the plays put on as well

He loves his job, especially when they put on musicals

He has a college degree in directing and one in music composing

Hes known his boyfriend patton since they were kids since their families are really close, 

He also writes his own short plays and stories that are sometimes performed at his work!!

Oh and this boy our boy roman can cook, hes learned all his cooking from his parents and absolutely loves cooking and learning new recipes and experimenting with old recipes! He also brings extra food into work to share with his coworkers and the actors in case someone doesnt have food with them or the money to buy something( as some of the workers there are broke college students or high schools trying to get experience) He and Patton share this hobby and sometimes have playful cooking competitions in their kitchen!!

Hes got a huge dvd collection that fills tree shelves of a bookshelf in their apartment 

He also holds some acting lessons to younger workers at the theater in the case someone is struggling with a role or performace

Roman is also a very smooth motherfucker in the romace department when he wants to be. Hes romantic and pays alot of to little details and goes all out for date nights, whether theyre at home dates or going out dates he tries to make it as perfect to you as possible

Also he speaks spanish and likes to sing to Patton in spanish to swoon him on a bad day

Diana Prince

The boys’s other mother! Goes by Mama, Mum, and baba

Shes in her late thirties early fourties

did I mention theyve been married for years? I did? Good good

Diana is a blunt sweetheart with a bubbly, snappy personallity and a fiery temper

Shes really good with kids and has a degree in child psychology and works as a guidance counselor at the local high school

She also helps out at their neighborhood’s church with events and sometimes helps with services as an organ player

She plays piano and has been since she was young, she can also play the guitar

She absolutely adores her family but watch out if they break a rule or get themselves into trouble she is the stern one and does not let them get out of trouble. Puppy eyes are wasted on her you do the crime you do the time and the extra chores no arguing.

That is not to say that she wont listen and hear her boys out though, its just normally after hearing them out theyre still in the wrong( pray for remus is he ever got arrested for anything cough cough the homecoming incident cough cough)

Shes been friends with Emile since high school and sees his boys almost like her own, and cares for them as such. 

She speaks spanish and told Roman and the others from a young age, but Roman is the only one who kept with it strongly, Remus only uses it when he angry and King is still learning

Shes an amazing cook, on par or even better than Emile( a statement that has been yet to be confirmed)

She is also a confirmed lover of making big meals 

She loves being outdoors and playing with her kids

She also enjoys doing embroidery as a relaxing hobby

And lastly introducing...

The Daniel family!!

(from left to right)

Olivia Daniels

Logan and Liam’s mom! Shes a psychology professor at the local college! 

Shes been going by the name Olivia for about 16 almost 17 years now and shes never been happier!

Olivia is technically their step mother, as she joined the family after Logan and Liam were born, but very early in their lives( Logan was 10 and Liam was three)

shes in her mid thirties

Her and richard have been married for 12 years and are still going strong!!

olivia is more of a gentle soul kinda person, shes peppy and softer spoken and has a very soothing and trusting presence to her. Shes easy to make laugh and loves making people smile

She also enjoys bringing treats to her classes for her overworking students

Shes not much of a cook but she does try dammit

Looks super sweet but shes a force to be reckoned with if you fuck with her children let me tell you

She wouldve made an excellent therapist had she gone into that field, shes good at listening and offering solutions

She also paints in her spare time!! And sells her paintings at local art shows!!

Shes got the worst sweet tooth ever Richard has to hide sweets in the house

She also works at the same college Logan attends, same with his father

Shes the only blonde in the family with green eyes

 Logan Daniels

Out sassy skeptic! He’s 20 years old and currently attending college with a biology major and a astrology minor!

Hes pretty reserved at first glance, being the calm and common sense to both his best friend Virgil and his boyfriend Remus

But hes such a dork when you get to know him. He could go on for hours and hours about his interests(something Remus loves listening to)

He lives in a single person dorm on campus and works in the student union as well as does tutoring sessions for high schools for extra credits

Hes been dating Remus for a good four almost five years , and they met in freshman year of high school

His dorm room is covered in various posters for astrology and bands he enjoys, as well as a few old theater posters from Remus’s old performances

He was  goddamn punk during high school, and Virgil loves to bring this up to embarrass him

He likes to always wear business casual unless hes staying in, and even then sometimes he keeps to his fashion habits a little too hard

Hes a decent cook, but he doesnt refuse the offer of someone else cooking for him either( or even going out to eat now and then) 

Hes a very large and firm skeptic and greatly enjoys debating with virgil different aspects of his beliefs and paranormal experiences, and functions as the one between them to reason away happenings with logic as a way to ease Virgils nerves. 

But he IS willing to see his best friends side of things if he is provided solid proof. 

He also makes plenty of appearances on Virgil’s channel for a variety of reasons, and his fanbase really likes him

Hes also a very protective older brother, and is not afraid to verbal destroy anyone who hurts his little brother(much to Liams angsty horror) 

He does have a car that he put Remus on his insurance for, so if his boyfriend ever DID need to drive it he would without complications

Logan also does join the boys on explorations, though this is a more rare occurance as he’d rather help them edit the videos and put them out in a timely manner

Hes pretty good at managing his student budget, but he has those moments of splurging randomly for things( as we all do sometimes)

Hes got a really REALLY nice laugh that not too many people outside his inner circle have heard

His eyes are a dark blue just like his dads, and he keeps his dark brown hair messy but practical

Liam Daniels

Logan’s baby brother! Our boy is 13 years old!!

Hes andy’s other best friend, and the final link to their little trio

Hes the more stoic of the three, as he is entering his rebellious angsty teen years a couple years early. 

He loves space and the ocean, and wants to be a marine biologist someday.

Hes not the best at being social, thats why hes got King as their talker and hes the snarky fighter

This boi is alot fiestier than he looks but only his friends and family know that, and he will throw down if you even just look at his loved ones the wrong way( despite his height)

He doesnt always get social cues either which makes him come off kinda rude in situations but I promise he doesnt mean it 

Someone got his mothers sweet tooth but cant have too much sugar because it messes with his body too much

like when he crashes from a sugar high he crashes hard and its BAD

Hes the shortest of his friends, just barely half an inch shorter than Andy

He always looks half tired and like he needs coffee but he cant have coffee so...

he loves to read and his room is filled with so many books!!

He also has a stuffed animal collection but shush about that its a secret

Hes also a spicy food lover( at least to a point, nothing too extreme) 

He likes baggier clothes because theyre more comfortable, and he prefers comfort of fashion

His eyes are a brighter blue and he keeps his hair alot neater than his brother’s

Hes also very snappy, with a comeback for almost everything

Richard Daniels

The dad!! He works as a chemistry professor at the college and a part time physics teacher at the local high school( switching days)

Hes very tall at 6′2(compared to the rest of his family)

He looks really strict but hes surprisingly laid back about alot of things( though rules and discipline are NOT one of those things) 

He is in his early fourties

He took care of the boys on his own for logans first ten years and Liams three before he met Olivia

Hes got the scolding parent look and The Tone mastered and sometimes even uses both on his students to get them to behave, with wildly successful results

Hes very logical and skeptical of things “unrealistic”

Was a stressed out stick in the mud before he met his wife, as he was a new single father trying to secure tennure in a teacher job

Hes the cook in the house, and is really good at it.

hes a more silent understood supporter of his children, as he is much more reserved than his wife

But he as the biggest soft spot for her 

He always tries to raise his boys with a strong balanced set of values and manners

He also can play lacrosse, and was considered the best player back in school

He doesnt have a good relationship with his family aside from his mother, so the boys have only met their grandma on that side, as he doesnt want any toxic mindsets or ideals influencing his children( especially Liam)

compared to Olivia  he isnt soft spoken at all but he would rather dissolve issues with communication and clarification, not anger or violence( yeah LIAM)

He also enjoys watching documentaries and doing casual photography from time to time

And its finally done!! All for families are complete and posted!!

Im really proud of these!! Especially the prince family photo! It took me days to figure out the poses...

All art referenced is credited to @aimasup @underdog-arts and @fangirltothefullest !!

Anyway i hope you guys enjoy! And hopefully soon ill be posting some writings for this au too! And posting more drawings! Enjoy!!

Taglist

@phantommoonpeople

@sweetsweetemo

@leesacrakon

@amazable01

@starbucks-remy

@jemthebookworm

@max-is-tired

@seriously-a-dragon

@sar-kasstic

@soupspam

@strawberryjellystuff

@aimasup

@unsocialchapeau

@underdog-arts

@fangirltothefullest

[jbbarnesandnoble]

Something Borrowed: Part One

Pairing: Teacher!Steve x SingleMom!Reader

Summary: Steve is your attractive neighbor, who happens to be daughters 3rd grade teacher. You’re a single mom with two kids, trying to balance work and raising your children. But never have time for yourself or a relationship. What could go wrong when you’re finally ready to date?

Chapter Summary: it’s the sunday before school starts at your kids new schools. And special occasions require special pancakes.

Warning(s): fluff, an intro to this little family, and a bit of motherly worrying. Warnings will change throughout the series.

Word Count: 1,604

Prompt: Teacher AU

A/N: This is my submission for @marvelfulxbabes writing challenge. I hope you all like this fully little fic of mine! This is my first series for Steve and I have to say I’m very excited about it!! We’re off to a but of a shaky start with this first part. Seeing as this isn’t exactly how i wanted to start this fic off. But i had to stuck with it. This has been a chaotic week to even find the time to breathe, let alone write. I’m sorry:( Feedback is very much appreciated, but never expected and definitely not mandatory!! Hope you enjoy it!

(this isn’t my gif)

The early morning sun peaks through the small spaces in the curtains. Pouring into your room, giving it a warm glow. Sunday’s are your favorite day. They’re peaceful, quiet, and slow paced. At least, that’s how they’re meant to be. With two kids, it makes it hard to find a quiet moment. But today, you found that peaceful -much needed- quiet.

Stretching your arms above your head, pointing your toes out. Your joints crack and pop in a delightful way. You sigh, content when your body relaxes back into the soft mattress. A few moments pass you by. While you enjoy the feeling of staying in bed a little longer today. Another sigh, your feet hit the cool wood of your bedroom floor. When you finally force yourself out of bed. Your feet guide you down the hall, through your home.

It’s a short walk to your kitchen, where your glorious, well loved coffee pot calls to you. A few scoops of coffee grounds and two cups of water later. And your kitchen already smells of coffee. The warm aroma floods your lungs, waking you up. While you wait for the coffee to brew, you take out a few ingredients out for pancakes. Your favorite breakfast food.

Once the coffee is done, your poor yourself a generous amount. Seeing as you’re the only caffeine drinker in the house. You drink it black. Not bothering with cream or sugar.

With a long sip, you feel yourself becoming less sluggish. Now that, that’s done, you focus on the pancakes. Mixing together all the ingredients you need. Throwing in blueberries and lemon zest to make them more special. A couple minutes later and they’re cooked, ready to be eaten. The only problem? You’re missing your two favorite sleepy heads to help you eat them.

Making your way through the livingroom and back down the hallway. You stop in front of your daughter’s door first. Managing to slip in without waking her up. Crossing her room, you stop next to her bed. Crouching down next to her little face. You whisper three little words you know she’ll wake up to. “I made pancakes.” You whispered into her ear, in a sing songy voice. As expected, her green eyes snap open. As wide as ever. “You made pancakes? Blueberry lemon pancakes?” Mary asks, her voice still groggy from sleep. You nod, a smile on your face. Without missing a beat, she sits up. Her blond hair sticks every which way. Wild from her nights sleep.

By the time you stand up, she’s racing down the hall. The sound of her small feet running gets farther and farther away. Then they stop altogether. Before they come racing back towards you. “Did you wake up Harley?” She asks, bouncing on her toes. Her big eyes look up at you, mischief swirls through the green of them. Her toothy smile is a playful one. You shake your head slowly. Mirroring her mischievous expression.

Without saying another word, the two of you ‘sneak’ to the door at the end of the hall. Tiptoeing down the dark hallway. Muffled giggles bounce off of the walls, as you try your best to be sneaky. Easily failing. Her eyes meet your own, both of you whisper as you count down from three. Before opening the door, the room is dark. Except for a sliver of light that peeks through the bottom of the blinds.

Tired of wasting any more time, you turn on the light. Mary runs into the room hopping onto the bed, placed against the wall. Giggles and screams flood the small room. You can’t help but laugh at the sight in front of you.

Mary is sitting on top of her older brother who is yelling, angry the two of you woke him up. Despite the chaos and noise, you feel your heart warming at the sight of your kids. Your kids who you love more than anyone, and anything. In the entire world. “All right, that’s enough. Hop down girly.” Clapping your hands together, you hold them out. Mary pouts, but jumps into your them anyway. “What was that for?” Harley grumbles, pushing his curly brown hair out of his face.

Still holding Mary in your arms. Who’s wrapped around you like a baby koala. You move closer to your son. “I made pancakes.” You smile down at him, giving him a wink. His face softens a bit. “Mary and I didn’t want you to miss out. Isn’t that right?” She nods. You continue. “By having us eat all of them.” turning on your heel, you move towards the door of his room. “But if you would rather sleep-”

“No!” He cuts you off. The excitement for pancakes evident in his voice. Clearing his throat, he continues. “I’m awake now anyway…” he says, trying to put back his facade of disinterested, moody teenager. Not that you believe it for a second. Of course you would never tell him that. For now.

The three of you make your way into the kitchen. You serve up three plates of still warm pancakes. Piled high with extra berries and whipped cream. Extra special toppings for an extra special day. Every year on the Sunday before school starts, you make special, lemon zest and blueberry pancakes. Your kids all time favorite breakfast. It isn’t exclusively for the day before school. It’s for any special occasion. Because special occasions deserves special pancakes.

Grabbing your coffee, you join your kids at the kitchen table. With Mary to your right and Harley across from you. You smile wide at both of them. Before directing a question towards them. “Who’s excited for the first day of school?” The reactions you get from them are both very fitting for their characters. Mary all but bounces up and down. Harley on the other hand looks as if someone ate his pancakes.

His reaction is only fair. It’s their first day of school at their new schools, in a relatively new town. It’s been three months since you moved them here at the beginning of summer, and your kids still haven’t made many friends yet. Mary you aren’t worried about. You wouldn’t be surprised if she became friends with half the class by lunch.

Harley on the other hand, he’s never really fit in. Usually because people tend to misjudge him upon meeting. They don’t take the time to get to know him, or see how kind he can really be. And that scares you. A lot

Monday mornings are a lot different from Sunday’s. It’s a busy, hectic blur as you try to get your kids ready for school and yourself ready for work. Double and triple checking that everyone is ready and has all of their things. You head out the door. The three of you pile into your old truck. You pray it starts. You’re pretty sure Hayley prays it doesn’t. You breathe out a sigh of relief when it does. After a couple tries.

It’s a short, mostly quiet drive. Except for Mary’s excited ramblings. First it’s Mary’s stop. Planting a kiss on her forehead, she hops out of your truck. Her red polka dot dress twirls as she spins around to wave bye. Next is Harley’s school. Glancing over your heart breaks. He’s as close to the door as possible. Staring at the floor. “Har, what’s wrong?” You ask, despite knowing the answer. With him, even if you know what’s going on in his mind. It’s best to ask, otherwise he’ll clam up. Stop talking all together.

A few minutes pass in silence. When you pull up to his school. He finally speaks. “Can’t I just stay home today. It’s not like we’re learning anything important. Just intro to classes.” He mumbles, you almost don’t hear what he says. “Ok,” you state plainly. When he looks at you, his hazel eyes stare at you with gratitude. “Really?” He says louder this time. You nod. “They’ll teach you things you already know. So why go. Right?” He nods again.

Then you look at him fully, face serious. But not angry or upset in anyway. Your eyes remain soft. “But, you can’t do that. No you’re Harley y/l/n and you love school. You love to learn. To build new things.” Pausing, you make sure he’s still listening. He is. You watch as his once hopeful eyes changes to something else. You continue to look at him, despite his eyes shifting towards the ground. You continue. “And sure, people suck. But I hear they have an awesome math and physics teacher. And don’t even get me started on the science lab.”

When his eyes meet yours again, you wink. It pulls a smile from him. It’s tiny, barely even there. But a smile nonetheless.

“Thanks ma.” Saying in the tiniest of voices, he grabs his bag off of the floor, placing it in his lap. “You’re gonna crush it, Har.” Your words are genuine. You mean it. He’s the smartest kid you know. He’s already built three robots and you know he’ll build more. Which is why the school isn’t the part that worries you. But you don’t say that. He doesn’t need to know you worry about that too.

A soft click of his seatbelt and a hand hovering over the door handle. He hesitates. “I love you.” Turning around, he wraps you in a hug. Whispering his words in your ear. “I love you too.” With that he disappears as he enters the small brown building. You head to work. Trying not to worry about your kids.

———

Taglist: @emmandhercoffecrisp​ // @imma-new-soul​

[floosies]

Series: La Muneca del Barrio

A/N: One thing I forgot to mention is that there will be a lot of spanish in this series and I do hope you understand it is for both the story and how I wish to tell this story. I’m hispanic myself so I know that using spanish is still very iffy but it’s my story and I mean no harm by it.

Summary/AN: This a passion project really, I’ve written previously using the mob!au so this a second attempt in that genre (i guess you could call it).

Warnings: Blood, violence, smut, strong language, and drug use

Rocio Cruz lives in a Brooklyn block best known for its vibrant and ignored community. What she always ignored though was the underground scene in the borough, the evils that lay in it and its people. That all comes to an end when she’s introduced to those things she ignored.

Chapter 2: Que Comience La Fiesta

Masterlist

It’d been some days since the girl, who’s name was Leticia had spoke to Rocio about Rubio. She wasn’t sure what to make of the whole situation. She did believe her date with Cubano but mostly because the girl was from Harlem. What exactly did Brooklyn’s dueno have to do with Harlem’s mover? 

Background:

Unlike her mama Maritza, who did know about all the under ground world in New York, Rocio was clueless. Her mama kept it that way from the start. She didn’t want her children growing up in that mess. She would have avoided it herself had it not been for her pajarito Rafael. In order to understand so much, you gotta go to the past. 

Before Rocio was born, her papa worked for just about anyone in Brooklyn who had a say with the mafiosos. He came from Puerto Rico, hidden in a boat and praying that he stayed alive to see America. When he got to the states he started working odd jobs, which is where he caught the eye of Rubio’s mentor, an older man called Blue eyes. He liked the work ethic her papa had and hired him. That’s around the time he met Maritza. She on the other hand was a waitress at her parents’ restaurant. She came from immigrant parents who traveled from Mexico to New York. Don’t ask them how either because they’ll never tell, they didn’t to their children and they won’t to their grandchildren either.

When Rocio was born, Blue eyes started getting sick. However, he got the chance to meet the baby before he went. Maritza wasn’t all that happy about that at first. However, what came after for her and her family was what changed her mind. Blue eyes had made it a point that after his death that’s where her father’s job ended. In return for always working hard and being loyal, the old Blue eyes was giving Rafael a good sum of money and protection for the rest of his life. That the guy who would take over, would respect that decision and the Cruz family for however the “corporation” would continue. 

However, this would not go as planned. Eventually Rubio would come to power but he was too young at the time. So it went to a man who had no business being in power, they called him Mika but no one knew if that was his real name. Anyways, he was a puto through and through. He was a thief to his own men and didn’t care for the business, he just wanted to control everyone. 

That. It was Mika, who everyone considered a little bitch, who was the reason that Rafael ended up in jail and Cubano came to his power alongside Rubio. In 2003 a fifteen year old Steve Rogers and Sam Wilson with help from others within the “corporation” set up Mika. They killed the bastard at a night club well known around the cartel community in Harlem. Unfortunately not everyone got out clean, but true to his loyalty Rafael took the blame for all of it. This was the one time he didn’t sing like a bird. The feds had nothing on him, they tried to get to Maritza but she had already went into hiding, with help from her parents.

Rocio was clueless about all this, regardless it didn’t matter because she was already too pressured into the whole party thing by Leticia who by now had taken her shopping for a dress. They looked through racks of dresses in a little store just a couple of blocks from Harlem.She had her eyes on a pink satin mini dress, “y esta? you think it’s cute?” She asked Leti who scrunched her nose, “mami, I think que mejor you keep looking around.” Rocio shrugged, she was probably right, these men were rich, no just anything would do, but she was on a budget. The bills were due in a couple of days so whatever she got had to be cute and cheap.After a while of looking around and finding nothing they went back to Brooklyn where Rocio knew she would find something. “Como conosistes a Cubano?” Rocio asked Leti quietly while they looked around a boutique where she always shopped since she was in high school. Leticia looked at the dresses, with a look of stress before she started speaking, “one day he came to my ma’s little stand where her and my pops sell street food, el tipo ahi estaba, he just talked to them and then I came from work to help them. He started talking to me, bueno pues ese hombre es tremendo mangon-” she stops to laugh a little, her cheeks getting bright. “We talked for a while and he started talking himself up, about how he could make me a big deal in Harlem. Eh, tu sabes how they talk to girls but Cubano means it. Then he asked me to go with him to this party. Como le voy a dicir que no?” She finished, then grabbing a dress to show for approval to Rocio. 

The dress was cute, so they went with it.They finished shopping and headed to Rocio’s place to get ready. Maritza was cooking when they entered the house. One look at the girls and she knew that her daughter was not going to be home for dinner, “y adonde sales esta noche nina? Buenas tardes, y tu como te llamas.” She said eyeing the girls up and down while her siblings laughed from the table at the end of the room.Sighing at the annoyance of the situation she answered, “mama, es una fiesta. Voy a regrezar, you don’t trust me enough.” She said leading Leticia to her room, “buenas tardes, Doña Cruz, soy Leticia, gusto de conocerla!” She said following Rocio. Maritza rolled her eyes, “I do trust you mija! Es los de afuera a que no confio!” She yelled as she finished cooking.When they finished getting ready it was already 8. 

Leticia kept looking at her phone, waiting for the text that said where they would meet the car at. Some minutes later they text came. Rocio’s siblings were with her mama in her room watching tv. They moved quietly but not quiet enough, “y se piensan ir sin percinarse? eh?” She heard her mom said from the door way of her room. The girls sighed turning around. “Vengan,” looking at the two girls, who reminded her of her younger days she began, “en el nombre del Padre, del Hijo, y del Espirtu Santo.” there was a pause, “ya bueno pues antes de que las dejen. Be safe! Rocio me hablas!” They hurried out.The girls were glad they didn’t meet the car in front of the apartment building where Rocio lived, that car would have all the nana’s talking for days. What they weren’t expecting was that Cubano would be waiting inside the car, a cigar in his hand and the other waiting to take Leti’s hand. To say Leticia was beyond thrilled he was there was an understandment, “papi! You look so good, esta tremendo verdad Roci?” She asked her friend as the car took off. Rocio just nodded, she never thought this would be happening.

He stared at her, something about her seemed familiar, he was trying to see what was up with you, interrupting the conversation he was having with his girl he dragged another puff of his cigar before speaking “your plus one is very quiet mami,” he finally said. She looked at him, “oh sorry, my name’s Rocio. Uh Rocio Cruz, nice to meet you.” Leticia looked at her Cubano, curious as to how he would react to her answer. “Cruz?” Wilson was intrigued now, “By any chance would your papi’s name be Rafael?” He said with a smirk, she looked both confused and startled. She looked at Leticia before answering, “yeah, my pop’s name is Rafael, do you know him?” He just laughed and nodded, “mami, you did a good job picking a friend to bring. Steve is gonna love this.” 

Steve? Steve el Rubio Rogers? He was gonna be at the party? Leticia said he might be, but Rocio didn’t think a man like him liked parties. Her mind was racing, how did they know her dad? Was she about to die? Her thoughts were interrupted by the car shutting off and someone opening the door, the girls were led out. “Ladies, welcome to my little festival, a celebrar mami!” Cubano yelled happily as they entered a studio where salsa was playing loudly and people were taking white lines like shots. They walked to a stall in the back of the studio where a large table was set up with velvet chairs and expensive liquor. “Rocio, you wait here. Mami you come with me, your fine ass can’t be left alone.” Cubano said taking Leticia somewhere, in no time a waiter came and offered her a drink from the liquor which she gladly took at the fear of not knowing what was going to happen next. If this was her last night she might as well go out having a bit of fun. She looked through her phone, seeing what everyone else was doing but knowing better than to post anything herself. It felt like forever until she saw Leti again. Except now, there was a man with blonde hair and beside him a man with blue eyes. Cubano had brought guests to the table, “Cruz, this Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes.” 

[carylerxsecretsanta]

Looking Up

Written For: @the-space-between1013

Title: Looking Up Author: @theresnosafeharbor4myships Rating: PG Summary: Judith finds some Christmas stuff and a decorating party and singing ensues. A/N: Happy Christmas and Holidays! I hope your holiday season has been festive and wonderful! I’m praying you enjoy this flangst (fluffy angst)–it’s a lot longer than I anticipated so let’s hope that’s your favorite kind of present. :D

The night had turned into an unexpected party, and he blamed Judith.

Michonne, heading to check on those who had perimeter watch before night fell, had asked the girl to rummage through the attic for anything valuable—weapons, old gardening equipment, tools, winter clothes. She’d found a few sundry items: a pair of men’s rain boots, a hacksaw, electrical tape, some rope. And two boxes of Christmas stuff.

That last one seemed completely useless if you asked him, but with Carol’s help, Judith had enthusiastically dragged the large boxes down the attic steps, across the hall, down the flight of stairs to the first floor, and into the living where she unceremoniously pulled every item out, then laid them around her in display.

Daryl had watched surreptitiously from the dining room table where he sat inventorying and cleaning their weapons as Carol, sitting cross-legged in the midst of the holiday paraphernalia, patiently answered every single question Judith threw her way. What’s this do? (A nutcracker.) Where do these go? (A ball of Christmas lights.) Who’s this? (Rudolph statue.) What do you do with this? (Faux mistletoe.) And on and on it went. RJ had come out of his room when he heard the chatter and sat contently in Carol’s lap, playing with a miniature snow globe for several minutes before moving on to the next festive trinket.

“Can we put this stuff up?” Judith had asked excitedly, bouncing on her knees and peering around the room at the adults, her eyes settling on Michonne.

Having just returned home to the festive mess around the room, Michonne had looked at her deadpan but, seeing her enthusiasm, relented, smiling and shaking her head. “Who’s going to help you?”

And that’s how he’d ended up single-handedly stringing Christmas lights around the living room while Carol, Michonne, and the kids decorated the rest of the house.

He heard some commotion behind him, but he kept his focus on hanging the one strand of lights he’d already untangled. Standing on the arm of the couch in his bare feet, he stretched over the expanse of air above the end table to shove a pushpin into the wall and draped the string of lights over it.

Suddenly, music blasted through the air, and he nearly fell from his precarious stance. With one hand against the wall, he shoved himself back upright and stepped down onto the cushion and then the floor as the music—an impossibility—faded to a whisper.

“The he…ck was that?” he asked as his four housemates stood around electronic equipment.

“Eugene made it for me!” Judith enthused. “Now I can hear Christmas music!”

Michonne shrugged at him as Judith bounced up and down in excitement. “Found some music in these boxes, and she has a player.”

He nodded, less than enthusiastic, and plopped down on the couch to start untangling the next string of lights.

“Do you know these songs, Mom?”

“Yeah,” Michonne answered, looking at Carol for confirmation. “Probably most of them.”

Judith turned the music up to hear a man’s voice, low and breathy, sing. She stood listening for a moment before turning it down again and asking, “What’s a blue Christmas?”

Amused at the question, Daryl glanced up from his frustrating task to see Michonne smiling as she began explaining how colors could also describe emotions. His eyes darted to Carol, who’d found a place on the bookshelf for RJ’s snow globe, and his heart clenched.

He didn’t often let his imagination run in domestic circles, but he couldn’t help thinking this was the life she deserved. A warm home with friends and laughter, decorating for the holidays, a soundtrack of festive music, teaching kids about the fun things in life.

Her lightweight white sweater and blue jeans hugged her gently, and the low lamplight filling the room cast an angelic haze around her. He stared unabashedly for a moment, everyone in the room oblivious to him, and his heartbeat kicked up. She looked beautiful, happy. He could count on his fingers the number of times he’d seen her look so carefree.

She must’ve sensed his gaze on her because she suddenly turned her head and looked right at him, a questioning, gentle half-smile gracing her face.

He nodded once and felt his cheeks warming at having gotten caught, then turned back to the wretched ball of Christmas lights in his hand.

“Let’s see what other songs are on here,” Michonne suggested before switching the player to the next song.

A loud pop song, peppy and in soprano, blared from the speakers. “You’re here where you should be/Snow is falling as the carolers sing/It just wasn’t the same, alone on Christmas day.”

Judith started bouncing around. “Come on, RJ,” she called and held out her hands to him.

“Presents, what a beautiful sight/don’t mean a thing if you ain’t holding me tight/You’re all that I need, underneath the tree, tonight,” the woman’s voice rang out as the kids starting twirling around.

“Come on, Daryl!”

He looked up at Judy, stricken, as she motioned for him to join them. He shook his head, holding up a hand to wave her request away.

She took it in stride, bouncing around to face Michonne. “Mom,” Judy entreated, holding her hand out. “Carol?”

Daryl peeked up to see the four of them paired up—Carol and RJ, Michonne and Judith—bounding around, dancing.

“I’m gonna hold you close/Make sure that you know/I was lost before you.”

The lyrics played on, and Daryl couldn’t help watching the merriment in front of him. The kids danced with arms and legs akimbo, bouncing around with pure joy written on their faces. The women too, carefree and having fun, couldn’t restrain their smiles.  

“Christmas was cold and grey/Another holiday alone to celebrate/But then one day, everything changed/You’re all I need underneath the tree.”

The music rang around them, the words holding him as captive as Carol did, his eyes never leaving her as she moved freely about, hips swaying, arms leading RJ around, an unadulterated smile gracing her face. She looked stunning, nearly taking his breath away as she floated on her feet.

“I found what I was looking for/A love that’s meant for me/A heart that’s mine completely/Knocked me right off my feet/And this year I will fall/With no worries at all/‘Cause you’re near and everything’s clear/You’re all I need underneath the tree.”

Though she didn’t see him watching her, the lyrics the woman sang made his pulse race. He’d spent so many holidays alone. While other families held parties and exchanged gifts, cooked feasts and lived out traditions, he’d spent most Christmases hiding, sometimes in his room or in a closet, avoiding his old man, or out in the woods away from all other human beings. It’d always felt safer that way…but not anymore.

Here he felt…different. Cared for, safer than he’d ever felt before. Which was saying a lot considering the state of the world.

And much of that was thanks to the angelic woman dancing around with a fatherless little boy. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her, wishing with every ounce of his being that she was his, that the lyrics filling his ears and setting the wishes of his heart aflame told the story of the two of them.

“You’re here where you should be/Snow is falling as the carolers sing/It just wasn’t the same alone on Christmas day/Presents, what a beautiful sight/Don’t mean a thing if you ain’t holding me tight/You’re all that I need underneath the tree.”

Though grateful she was here, he couldn’t help wondering what it’d be like to be with her, to hold her tight. She’d already become the best gift he’d ever received—his best friend, confidant, sounding board, secret keeper, shooting-the-shit partner, protector and defender, and all-around favorite person he’d ever met. He wouldn’t mind adding to the list.

It would likely never happen though. They’d always circled each other, her the moon to his planet, her gravitational pull on him creating influential changes and lighting up the darkness. Irrevocably close, orbitally connected, but forever separated. What he wouldn’t give to change that, to venture into something more, explore uncharted territory, close the space between them, a collision of sorts that would irreparably change the forces felt between them.

But how? Knowing him, he’d likely destroy the symbiotic nature they’d settled into and send them into extinction if he tried.

No, it was better to leave things as they existed: safe, close, linked, comfortable. Except in moments like these when the longing he felt for her threatened to devour him from the inside out.

The verse repeated and, realizing he’d likely never get the opportunity to move beyond how close they’d already become, he turned back to his task, suddenly feeling melancholy.

“Again!” RJ demanded when the song ended.

“Let’s see what comes next,” Michonne told him.

Immediately, a woman’s voice started singing. “I don’t want a lot for Christmas/There is just one thing I need.”

“Ohh!” Michonne hollered above the din. “I’m karaoke’ing this one!”

With his elbows on his knees, lights dangling from his fingertips, he stared as Michonne, katana-wielding badass, grabbed a six-inch nutcracker statue, used it as a faux microphone, and belted out each and every lyric to the slow-starting turned rock-n-roll pop song ringing through the rafters.

Daryl couldn’t help huffing out laughs as the music progressed, Michonne twirling Judith around with her free hand, Carol and RJ rocking out with the uptempo’d song.

He also couldn’t help noticing the longing in the lyrics, apparently a common theme on the mixed music track. They did nothing to help the yearning in his heart as he watched the festive scene play out before him as he sat idly on the sidelines, just as he had for most of his life.

Michonne caught his eye a few times and motioned for him to join them, but he shook his head.

“Wooo!” Michonne exclaimed as the song ended, looking pleased with herself. “Who knew we’d ever karaoke again?”

“Your turn, Carol!” Judith exclaimed.

“Yeah, your turn, Carol,” Michonne echoed, handing the ‘microphone’ to her, a pleased smile gracing her face.

Carol looked at each of them in turn, waiting for the next song to start, her eyes lingering on him as a jingle-y pop tune started playing.

“I can’t wait to unwrap you at Christmas/You’re the gift for me/I can’t wait to unwrap you at Christmas/Under the Christmas tree.”

“Is this the Monkees?!” Michonne exclaimed as the music jangled on.

Carol nodded enthusiastically, singing only half of the lyrics with the group. “I can’t wait to unwrap you at Christmas. I don’t know the words.”

Daryl chuckled to himself, his eyes ever tracking the carefree spirits bounce around the room. Michonne and the kids held hands, forming a circle, and went round and round as though they were kids in a schoolyard. Carol sang considerably better than children calling out nursery rhymes, even if she made up half of the song.

“I’ve been waiting all year now, baby/For the snow and you to return/So I’ll hang the mistletoe and stand right here/Cross my fingers, hope I’ll get my wish this year.”

The thought of kissing Carol under the mistletoe, her dreamy eyes peering up at him in the firelight, sashayed through his mind as her voice rang out. His eyes flicked up just in time to see her gaze settle on him, sending his blood pumping hot and hard through his veins.

Though he knew she couldn’t read his warm and wayward thoughts, embarrassment flooded over him. He turned away to check on Michonne and the kids, who were now strategically picking places to hang a few boughs of fake mistletoe.

Damn all this love-dovey Christmas crap, he thought, his mood turning dismal at how easily he’d fallen under the spell of it all. Just untangle these lights—and then yourself from this whole mess.

“I can’t wait to unwrap you at Christmas/You’re the gift for me.”

Without lifting his head from the frustrating task in his hands, he glanced up at Carol still caroling. To find her staring meaningfully at him as more longing words fell from her lips.

“I can’t wait to unwrap you at Christmas/I dream of nothing more.”

His belly flipped, and he dropped his eyes to the knotted lights before him, swallowing hard. He felt his cheeks warm again.

Her eyes fixed on him didn’t mean anything. Couldn’t mean anything.

Could it?

Don’t be stupid, he scolded himself, shame sweeping through him at the notion she sang the lyrics to him instead of into the room. She’d never… She was just messing with him. She always did when she was in a fun and feisty mood.

“I’ve been saving all of my kisses/Just to spend them on your sweet lips/So I’ll decorate the place with light and cheer/Knowing Christmas day you will be standing here.”

He refused to look up, no matter how desperately he longed to watch her sing, see those words fall from her mouth as her eyes landed on him. His heart couldn’t take it. As it was, he could barely work the knots out of the string of lights in his hands; he’d never untangle her from his heart.

The song and Carol continued, but he drifted somewhere else.

And why would he even try? She’d acted as his lifeline for far too many years to undo now. No separation, no time apart, no diverging road had ever kept them from one another. But neither had any led them together, not the way he longed for. And that still confused the hell out of him.

How could he even understand what he felt for her? No one had ever burrowed into his heart the way she had. He’d never let anyone get as close to him as she had. He’d spent a lifetime keeping people away, and all he wanted was to draw her in, as close to him as possible, touch her skin, make her feel all the wild, wonderful, and confusing things he felt when she was near.

Damn it all!

He shook his head, chasing his daydream away. Which didn’t do him much good since she continued singing about kissing under the mistletoe.

He nearly groaned, forcing his mind to focus on the wretched lights in his hand. The kids deserved to have some fun, to see Christmas lights strung up and to decorate the house with Christmas merriment and to hear the upbeat songs that used to drive him mad when played in every store and to dance with Michonne and Carol. And where’d she learn to sway like that anyway? Had she always been able to sing?

He knew what the sound of her crying softly in the middle of the night sounded like, how far she could trek without food and water before collapsing, what she looked like after weeks without shelter, and how brave and self-sacrificing she became when someone she loved faced danger. But he didn’t know her favorite song or how old she’d been when they’d met or what kind of music she’d listened to. He couldn’t begin to guess whether she’d ever lived anywhere other than Georgia before they’d trekked north or how many siblings she’d had, if any, or what her hobbies had been or if she’d ever played sports.

“Aw, hell,” he mumbled to himself, realizing he couldn’t get his one-track mind off of destination Carolville.

Finally, the song ended, and the kids cried out for more.

“Maybe we should help Uncle Daryl with those lights. He seems to be having some problems,” Michonne observed.

Both kids hurtled towards him as the next song started, some bluesy, half-country, rock ballad. He gave the partially untangled end of the light string to Judy as Michonne bounded up to Carol, and they both began singing into the ‘microphone.’

“Take back the holly and mistletoe/Silver bells on strings/If I wrote a letter to Santa Claus/I would ask for just one thing/I don’t need sleigh rides in the snow/don’t need a Christmas that’s blue/Take back the tinsel, stockings, and bows/‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you.”

Holy hell, another one?

He didn’t think he could take another lonesome, aching, pining, desperate song about wanting someone, especially not with Carol singing the lyrics out, calling to his lonely heart with her siren’s song and melodic voice.

After instructing Judy and a less-than-helpful RJ, he glanced up at the apocalypse’s best duo to find both of them singing directly to their audience of three.

“I don’t need expensive things/They don’t matter to me/All that I want can’t be found/Underneath my Christmas tree.”

The confidence, joy, and passion with which they sang out made him want to stop and watch the performance, and he tapped the kids on their shoulders and motioned for them to pay attention.

“You are the angel atop my tree.” Michonne pointed to the kids and sang out to them, enthralled in the song.

“You are my dream come true/Santa can’t bring me what I need/‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you.”

A sax solo played, and Daryl watched as Carol, eyes closed, swayed to the sexy music, a veritable dream come true. He swallowed hard, his eyes never leaving her, and he was glad he was sitting down, the kids in front of him and tangled up Christmas lights dangling all around him or he might have made a fool of himself by vaulting up and across the room, pulling her into his arms, and letting her know how much the song and her voice singing it affected him, Grimes gang hanging around or not.

Suddenly, her eyes opened and found his, just as the lyrics picked up again, and she sang them out, loud and proud.

“You are the angel atop my tree/You are my dream come true/Santa can’t bring me what I need/‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you.”

Somewhere on his periphery, he was aware of the kids dancing again and Michonne singing, but every fiber of him was attuned to Carol as she stared seductively at him, pointing in his direction as she sang. The air around him sizzled and heat flooded the room, as though he stood in front of an open oven door, the warmth of her gaze rolling over his skin like fire.

“I don’t need expensive things/They don’t matter to me/All that I want can’t be found/Underneath the Christmas tree.”

The vocal growl she employed at that last lyric sent his heart pounding hard, and it took everything he had to remain seated, watching her sing to him.

“You are the angel atop my tree/You are my dream come true/Santa can’t bring me what I need/‘Cause all I want for Christmas is you.”

She repeated the last line a few more times, and each line, with every word, his blood pumped hotter. He knew he should look away—he needed to. But with his brain misfiring, his heart pounding like a drum against his rib cage, his palms sweating, every atom of him dialed in to Carol, he couldn’t move.

The song ended—all too soon and not quickly enough for Daryl—and the kids clapped profusely, exuberant and hyper. Michonne took a bow and Carol curtsied, both pleased with their performance.

“Thank you, thank you.” Michonne accepted the applause with a rare smile.

“Again!” RJ demanded again.

“No, I think that’s enough for tonight. Come on, let’s pack up this stuff,” Michonne indicated the smattering of unused decorations still gracing the floor, “and then it’s time for bed.”

The kids protested, arguing with Michonne, as Carol smiled, sultry and pleased with herself, at him before helping the kids and Michonne clean up the room.

Dazed, Daryl dropped his gaze to his task and mechanically finished untangling the strand of lights. Had it really taken him this long to try to get some lights hung up? She’d done that—that little performance—on purpose, and hell if he knew what she was up to.

She didn’t know what she did to him, couldn’t know that her little game of teasing had him wondering how he’d sleep tonight.

It’s a wonder I ever get anything done with Carol hanging around, he thought self-deprecatingly.

“I wanna help Uncle Daryl.”

“No, Uncle Daryl can finish the lights by himself. And when you wake up tomorrow, they’ll all be hung up.” Michonne herded the kids towards the stairs. “At least I think,” she murmured to him as she passed him, giving him a little wink.

Consternation crossed his face, and he glared at her as she bounded up the stairs, leaving Carol to finish shoving the boxes of Christmas stuff into the corner as he draped the lights around the other half of the living room.

He felt her presence as she moved around behind him, aware that they had the entire downstairs to themselves. He almost wished she’d offered to help Michonne with the kids. Or that he had. Instead, he felt desire oozing off of him, filling up the room and threatening to suffocate him, and he wondered if she could feel it too. If she felt even a fraction of the tension between them that clung to him like dust to the Earth. Or was she immune to it?

Daryl hung the end of the light strand and stood in the center of the room to inspect the fruits of their evening of decorating. The end tables and bookshelves, the coffee and dining room tables all held festive trinkets, from snowmen and nutcrackers to a nativity scene and candles. They’d done a good, if excessive, job, and the lights gave the room the final touch it needed.

Carol’s hand settled on his shoulder briefly before sliding down his arm, and every muscle in his body tensed up at the contact. He didn’t know how much more he could take.

“Looks nice.”

He nodded, unable to do much more than breathe. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her peer up at him, but he couldn’t face her, not right now. Not with every nerve ending raw and burning for her.  

Carol bumped his arm. “The kids will appreciate this. They had so much fun tonight.”

His mouth upturned slightly and he nodded again in agreement. They’d given Judith and RJ a small glimpse of the Christmas happiness and wonder kids today would likely never again experience. He was happy to have helped even a small bit.

“Did you?”

He knew it was a mistake, knew he shouldn’t turn to look at her. Not with her standing so close to him. Close enough to touch, to see the dark flecks in her oceanic eyes, to trace the small smattering of freckles lying across her nose with his gaze, to see the fullness of her soft, smiling lips.

He knew better, but he faced her anyway, her pull on him too powerful to overcome.

“Yeah,” he murmured, his voice sounding softer than it should. If she only knew how much he’d enjoyed it, she’d run for the hills, far away from him, and never think to tease him again.

“Me too.”

Her guileless smile seeped into his heart, flooding it with love and a longing he didn’t know how to fight anymore.

“I noticed.”

Her eyes lit up even more, if that were possible, filled with hope and something else he was afraid to give a name to. “You did…”

He couldn’t tell if it was a question or a statement, and his eyes flicked to her lips again. She’d drawn him in like a moth to a burning flame, roped him in so methodically he was happy to burn himself up just to feel her warmth, to stay by her side.

“I was hoping you would.”

The admission fell from her lips on a near-sigh, the tuft of her breath reaching his lips like a distant kiss and not at all the one he wanted, but damn if it didn’t make him crave her more.

“Yeah?”

She’d reduced him to a simpleton; he couldn’t seem to form words.

“Yeah,” she confirmed, stepping closer to him, filling up his senses, invading his space, making him ache more than she ever had before.

“And you know what else?”

He didn’t, but he couldn’t even tell her that. She’d stolen the air from his lungs, the thoughts from his mind, the words from his lips.

She saved him from having to answer.

“It’s my lucky night.”

At least he thought she had. What the hell was she talking about? “Wha—”

“Look up.”

Her whisper made his knees weak, and he felt his pulse pounding, but he tore his eyes aware from her to peer up. At a bough of mistletoe, hanging merrily down from its perch above them, as though it’d been made for this very moment.

He swallowed hard, knowing what came next. What had to come next. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. God knew he’d fantasized about kissing her nearly every day for a decade, in any number of places, in every situation his mind could come up with. No, he had the desire part down to perfection.

What he didn’t have was experience. Or confidence. Or an idea of how he’d ever be able to walk away from her once he knew what her lips felt like beneath his, how she felt pressed against him, how his arms fit around her.

He knew this moment, ripe with the possibility of everything he’d wanted and couldn’t believe was only heartbeats away, waited for him to simply look at her.

“Daryl.”

His name on her breath made him finally, slowly, achingly, fearfully, soaringly, turn his face back towards her.

As he did, she moved into him, her hands grazing his chest as her arms slid up around his neck, and they came together slowly, tentatively, but full of want.

Her touch trailed tendrils of fire across his skin until heat and Carol were all he felt, a seductive combination he could only drown in.

His lips touched hers, soft, supple, sweet, and so intoxicating he felt dizzy, her presence the only thing grounding him. He felt her smile against his lips, and a groan escaped him, which had her pressing in closer, her body flush against his. She rose up on her tip-toes and he cinched his arms around her waist, holding her to him, holding her to keep from falling off the edge of the world.

He heard her hum against him, the vibration of her moan of pleasure both giving him strength to continue and making him weaker than he’d ever been.

He couldn’t care. All he wanted to do was never leave this moment, never stop holding her, never stop trying to show her how much he loved her.

Neither of them heard Michonne come back down the stairs. She stopped when she saw the two of them, happily wrapped up together and fully making out under the mistletoe she’d strategically placed around the room.

She smiled and turned off the living room light, leaving the two of them to explore each other by the soft glow of the Christmas lights. Apparently, they weren’t the only things getting lit this year…

[awkward-bakugou]

Bnha characters as vines

Aoyama

- work it, work it, work it, fierce - "you don't need to wear makeup bskdhensn" I don't have to wipe my ass either but it is a preference of mine - I am a comet not a star - this bitch called me ugly I said bitch where she said under all that makeup BITCH WHERE - y'all ugly - oh girl let me give you a kiss - you look like a burnt garbanzo bean - you are ugly and I am not, I am the princess and you are the thot - I don't sing in the shower, I perform

Mina

- right in front of my salad - am I a womfn - I'm bringing awesome back - welcome to bath and body works - I'm a chicken nugget - I'm renata bliss and I'm your freestyle dance teacher - sitting on the toilet and I had to make a doody when the doody hit the water the water hit my booty do do do do

Tsuyu

- Kermit singing usher

Iida

- no kevin, it's about nutmeg - look at this graph - I'm not really interested in being like the cool kids - that is not correct because according to the encyclopedia of spsjwlahdbrj - there's only one race, the human race WhAt AbOuT nAsCaR

Uraraka

- I just have these freezable fruit shapes - are they helium balloons

Ojiro

- defense against a guy in a chair

Kaminari

- catch me on cbs - that's not how you eat a banana - it's me, the cheese bandit - I can't tie my shoes but I can fuck your bitch - what the fuck is a chonce - vitamin c is spanish for vitamin yes - what's wrong with sticky nut juice - I'm just cooking pizza - dean stop you look like a nazi - haha hey, it's ya boi, uh, skinny penis - yes, she is a bitch, B-I-C-T-H - jokes on you, the jonas brothers can't break up they're bROTHERS - road work ahead? uh yeah, I sure hope it does - name a yellow fruit... orange - perhaps suck my ass can be our always - it's fuck yeah friday

Kirishima

- baloney fudge and mustard - attention shoppers, my dick is hard - siri what's my name - back at it again at krispy kreme

Koda

- is that a real dog

Sato

- I dropped my hot pocket - would anyone like some stew

Jirou

- we can clearly see that somebody got me fucked up - she just favorited one of my tweets - courtney there's no candy in there

Sero

- screw you jake - put your middle fingers up if you don't give a fuck - I don't feel like driving anymore - sorry it's my mom I have to take this - say colorado I'M A GIRAFFE - ask me what kind of tree I have

Tokoyami

- look, it's freaking bats, I love halloween - billy, your grandma's here

Todoroki

-everybody gets tired but specifically today I'm just tired of you - hey buddy, your grades are slipping, what's up with that - and just remember that no one can hate you more than you already hate yourself - release all of the sounds that are trapped in your mind - you're in time out, get on top of the fridge - we all die you either kill yourself or get killed - can I please get a waffle

Hagakure

- that one vine where the girl keeps getting pushed over cause no one fucking sees her - I think I know more about american girl dolls than you do genius

Bakugou

- like a good neighbor all state is there - I wanna fight kindergarteners - bitch gon step on my fucking toe bitch with the fucking cowgirl fucking boots bitch disgusting - kevin watch the light dude - you remember that one time I liked you - kitchen gun - fuck ya chicken strips - next time you fucking put your hands on me imma fucking rip your face off bitch - so no head? - yogurt is just fruit sperm and I'm not gay - bitch you better stop - give me yo fucking money

Midoriya

- have you ever had a dream so... that you, um... you'd... you... - excuse my potty mouth - you goof gary, you did it again - hey, I think you're really cool, I like you a lot, maybe we can hang out or something - some may call it stange, some may call it ugly, I don't really care cause I got a hat made of broccoli - there's a mushroom on your shirt

Mineta

- today we're doing a product review on the new gameboy - guess what, the girls still want me - I'm allergic to my own goddamn dick - all these ghosts and I still can't find a boo - if I had a penny for every time I wasn't cool, I'd have no pennies - oh hi thanks for checking in I'm still a piece of garbage - on all levels except physical, I am a wolf - hey you, yes you, I want to fuck your ass - the world is burning, let's masturbate - my name's trevor, what's yours

Momo

- slow down, grab you bible, pray like you're tryna make a soul revival, praise the lord

Monoma

- you're all going to hell, goodbye - when the barber accidentally gives you a bowl cut, what're you gonna do? I'm gonna kill the barber - i love you too you little betch - fuck off janet, I'm not going to your fucking baby shower - my main goal is to blow up and then act like i don't know nobody - rachel is so annoying - let's mcfreaking lose it - have you ever heard the sound of a rubber ball breaking a window - hey pal did you just roll in from stupid town

Shinsou

- hey, how you doing well I'm doing just fine I lied in dying inside - the stress relief cream vine - I don't need friends they disappoint me - hi, I'm attorney doug, have you or a loved one been injured in an accident? sucks to be you I guess - the nothing matters stuffed rabbit vine - I made a hat that's powered by sadness - is the wendy's alright

Amajiki

- well it's been a good day, can't wait for tomorrow - my name's derrik, let me guess, pizza

Present Mic

- bruno mars screaming voiceover vine - SKITTLESSSSSSS - good credit bad credit no credit no problem, if you dead fuck it ghost credit - this video is sponsored by vaprino anti diarrhea medicine, is your poopy too soupy? I think I swallowed a nickel... - michael with a b - it is wednesday my dudes

Aizawa

- today, we're watching the liberal propaganda film about an illegal gay muslim, it's called Aladdin - it's vinegar pussy - why don't we just relax and turn on the radio, would you like AM or FM - whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe - the best part of waking up is going back to sleep

All Might

- diet coke addiction - hi my name is failure and you're watching my life crumble to pieces

Eri

- oh my god sylvia it's gonna eat you

Camie

- I thought you were bae, turns out you were just fam - sabra gives you all your daily nutrients like zero grams of trans fat and OH MY GOD CHOLESTEROL - how do you not have a cell phone, it's 2015... Harry she's 5 -

Mitsuki

- bitch I hope the fuck you do you'll be a dead son of a bitch I tell you that

Dabi

- because you didn't use neosporin

Shigaraki

- I don't like whiskey it burns my mouth - want penis enlargement pills

Toga

- this is how I enter my house - I don't need no degree to be a clothing hanger

I spent fucking days on this be proud

[mrsronan]

Last Thursday (March 7) I got to speak to a large Women’s Bible Study in San Francisco. I attended the study for three years and have quite a few friends still involved. Here’s what I said. (Health update and other details below the speech.) Also, it won't hurt my feelings at all if you skip the speech and just read the health update. :)

_________________________________________

I’m thankful I get to be here with you ladies this morning. You are always such a blessing. Malene and Karen invited me to give an update on how I’m doing. Most of you know me, but let me introduce myself to those of you I’m not yet acquainted with. My husband and I grew up in Cincinnati Ohio, I’ve served as a missionary to Haiti and spent two years teaching in China. My husband and I believed God called us to San Francisco so we moved here four months after we got married in 2006. When we got here everything that could go wrong went wrong, including losing our housing on the same day I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. That surprise pregnancy led me to seek help at Alpha Pregnancy Center, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage but I never forgot that Alpha was ready to walk with me and find solutions to all of my concerns. Later I went back to Alpha, but as a staff member and I eventually became the director. I spent almost a decade running that ministry until I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and had to resign.  I’ve been going through chemo and radiation treatments since July 2016.  

Before I give you an update on my health I want to tell you a story that will explain my perspective on this challenge.*  

The day I arrived at my new home in Haiti where I would live for a year, I walked into a house that had been robbed. Everything was gone- furniture, curtains, dishes, everything except the kitchen sink. I had met my roommate for the year one day earlier, Shelley lived in the house the year before and knew our neighbors well. She assured me that since we were back and our neighbors loved her, the house would now be safe and nothing more would be stolen. I didn’t believe her. We had just a couple hours to drop our things off before needing to leave for a meeting at the school where we’d be teaching. On my way out the door for the meeting, I silently prayed, “Lord, if our house gets robbed tonight, please don’t let them take my radio, my guitar, or the vase from Morocco Kellie gave me.”

When we got home that night, our house had been ravished. Clothes were strewn everywhere, Shelley’s nice camera— gone. The sheets off our other roommate’s bed— gone. I made it to my room in the back of the house and did a quick scan of my bedroom: my radio was there, check; my guitar was there, check; my vase— gone! What!? Didn’t God hear my prayer? Why would the thieves want my vase anyway? It was just a small memento that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone but me. My heart sank. I felt robbed. But just as quickly as my heart sank, the Holy Spirit began to speak: “Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here this year to look at that vase. I am the same whether or not that vase is on top of your dresser. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that vase.” My heart responded, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” A moment later, a fellow teacher who had come to help walked in the door and said, “I found this on the street, does this belong to you?” and held up my vase.

That small momentary loss and the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart taught me how to get through larger losses that aren’t temporary. When my mom was murdered, when I had multiple miscarriages, when my marriage has been difficult, and many other times of loss I’ve gone back to that moment and remembered God is the same no matter what I might be losing. 

To be honest, the months since November have been filled with loss.  

My grandfather died because of lung cancer. 

Five of my other friends have died as well (three cancer related deaths).

My landlord promised me a bigger apartment and even gave me the keys then changed her mind and took the keys back. 

The clinical trial I’ve been on has stopped shrinking my tumors. (More on this below) 

But amidst these tragedies there have been some triumphs. 

I was given the Gianna Molla award and spoke to 50,000 people. 

My daughter turned 3 and sweetly told me I set up her party so nice and perfect. 

I turned 40 even though some medical professionals never thought I’d live this long. My husband, family, and friends threw me two surprise birthday parties. 

So I find myself responding to all of this in a few ways

Crying out to God in mourning and in thanksgiving. 

Praying for others as well as myself. 

Singing Amazing Grace and really meaning every word of all 7 verses.

Returning to scripture and asking God to keep His word as the foundation of my heart.

Some of the verses that I’m returning to over and over have become anthems for me that I go to daily to set my heart and mind in the right place.  

Hebrews 13.8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Reminding me that with or without cancer, God is still worthy of praise. For me, all these efforts to get treatment and extend my life are primarily for my three year old little girl. I don’t want her to have the pain of growing up with out her mom. But, this verse reminds me that God is the same and worthy of our praise even if she does grow up with out a mom.

I also go back to the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego from Daniel 3. 

You probably remember the story well. Everyone in their town was  told to bow down and worship a false god. The punishment for refusing was to be thrown into a fiery furnace. Everyone worshipped the gold statue, but Shadrach Meshach and Abednego refused to follow suit. Some people told the king and he was furious. 

Here’s how the Message version of the Bible tells the rest of the story:

The king questioned them and gave them a second chance to obey.

16-18 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”

19-23 Nebuchadnezzar, his face purple with anger, cut off Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace fired up seven times hotter than usual. He ordered some strong men to tie them up, hands and feet, and throw them into the roaring furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, bound hand and foot, fully dressed from head to toe, were pitched into the roaring fire. Because the king was in such a hurry and the furnace was so hot, flames from the furnace killed the men who carried Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to it, while the fire raged around Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

24 Suddenly King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm and said, “Didn’t we throw three men, bound hand and foot, into the fire?”

“That’s right, O king,” they said.

25 “But look!” he said. “I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!”

Some people say that is Jesus; I love that even though they were in a literal fire, they weren’t in it alone.  They had to go through the fire, but Jesus went through it with them.

26 Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the roaring furnace and called in, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the most High God, come out here!”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked out of the fire.

27 Everyone gathered around to examine them and discovered that the fire hadn’t so much as touched the three men—not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them! 

Next the king praises God. Shadrach Meshach and Abednego’s fiery challenge 

Gives the king a fiery passion to praise God.

28 Nebuchadnezzar said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel and rescued his servants who trusted in him! They ignored the king’s orders and laid their bodies on the line rather than serve or worship any god but their own.

29 “Therefore I issue this decree: no one should speak against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. No other god can pull off a rescue like this.”

Friends, I’m in a battle where I can say— Only God can pull off the kind of rescue I need. 

But, I’d bet half my bank account most of you have felt that too.  Maybe you’ve had severe health issues,  maybe you’ve needed the courage to leave an abusive relationship,  maybe you’ve had the sorrow of losing a child,  maybe you’ve been plagued with overwhelming anxiety… 

I’m guessing that everyone of you have had a time when you thought, “only God can rescue me from this.” 

I look back at all those trials I mentioned earlier and see, yes, He jumped into the fire with me on all of them and pulled me out and actually it made me stronger than before.  So, right now, in this fire of cancer, I’m looking to the God who has rescued me time and time again and saying “I know you are able to rescue me, and I believe you will, but even if you don’t I will still praise you.”

The final scripture I return to as an anthem I’ve read with you before. Psalm 118. 

I’d like to share some of it with you again today

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:

    “His love endures forever.”

3 Let the house of Aaron say:

“His love endures forever.”

4  Let those who fear the Lord say:

    “His love endures forever.”

5 When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;

    he brought me into a spacious place.

6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

7 The Lord is with me; he is my helper.

 …

8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in humans.

9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in princes.

I’m saying it’s better to trust in the Lord 

than medicine or doctors

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,

    but the Lord helped me.

14 The Lord is my strength and my defense[a];

    he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory

    resound in the tents of the righteous:

17 I will not die but live,

    and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;

    you have become my salvation.

27 The Lord is God,

    and he has made his light shine on us.

…

28 You are my God, and I will praise you;

    you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

 Verse 17 is something I’ve especially clung to. 

At first I thought, I will live and not die so that when I am healed from cancer I can tell the miraculous story of how God healed me and what seemed impossible with man is possible with God. And, that is still what I’m counting on. 

But, I’ve begun to think I’m alive today. I can tell what God has done today. I can tell you today that He has been with me in the trenches of every fire I’ve had to walk through, and he has used them all for the good of many lives and souls. 

And, when I return to scripture it allows me to fix my thoughts on Jesus. He endured the cross scorning its shame for the joy that was set before him. And remembering that He did that, and being bought with his blood gives me the strength to be content in a small apartment, to endure the disease of cancer, and to get through the other pains that come with life in a fallen world but doing so with joy because of the promise of a glorious eternity. 

Two nights ago, as I was putting my daughter to bed we were singing “what can wash a way my sins” and she stopped me mid song and said, “Mommy mommy, the blood of Jesus, it can heal everything. Even if you die it can heal you.” 

If I could leave you with any thought this morning it would be that. The blood of Jesus can heal anything you have going on in your life. Remember He never changes even when our circumstances do, lay your burdens at the foot of His cross, and let His blood bringing healing to your life.  

_________________________________________

HEALTH UPDATE

So, what does it mean for me that the clinical trial isn’t shrinking my tumors? To catch some of you up to speed on what I’ve done before I answer that, I’ve already done 3 kinds of chemo and radiation. The clinical trial I’ve been in is my fourth form of treatment. There are no other FDA approved treatments that have been effective at treating my kind of cancer. I have a biopsy scheduled for Thursday. The results of the biopsy will show if the immunotherapy trial I’ve been on has changed the genetic make up of my tumors. If it has I can continue on the trial. If it hasn’t then I’ll need to start searching for other clinical trials or treatments at different hospitals and clinics. My oncologist thinks I’ll have to begin a search for other clinical trials. She is willing to help me. My family might have to move in order for me to continue to have effective treatment options. I’m really hoping that I won’t have to move, but if we do have to move there’s a promising clinical trial in Cleveland that I’m looking into which would get me closer to my family and I’d be thankful for that. Yet, I am willing to go wherever I need to get treatments. I’ll try to write a short update after I get my biopsy results. 

Separately I had a chalazion in my eye. It has healed. 

OTHER UPDATES

I’m still a super Warriors fan and even though they’ve had a few embarrassing losses recently they are still number 1 in the western conference and still the favorites to be champions this year. 

I lead prayer in the SF Prayer Room every Wednesday night from 6-9 pm.  I’d love it if you join me some time. 

My landlord offered to let us move to a bigger apartment and even gave us the keys. She later changed her mind and took the keys back. I was absolutely heartbroken and cried for days. Now, I’m wondering if God kept us from moving because we might have to move so I can get treatment elsewhere. 

We were gifted tickets to see Hamilton and loved it! It left me wanting to live in a way that gives others freedom. 

My husband, family, and friends threw me TWO surprise birthday parties. I’ve lived to be 40 and I’m pretty thankful about that. 

I threw a small birthday party for Catica. The week after her party she snuggled up on my lap and we had this conversation,  C: Mama, you did such a good job. Me: A good job on what, Baby? C: My party. You set everything up so nice and perfect.  My heart melted.  

PRAYER REQUEST

Please pray for miraculous results to this biopsy and miraculous healing. God is able to do more than we can ask or imagine. 

_________________________________________

*I know I’ve already told this story on my blog before but I love to share it whenever I can as it keeps my perspective in check. 

[foofygoldfish]

meeting the family - part one of two

how alice meets the seeds! part one is the revival, part two will feature the infamous barbecue with jacob’s watery mac n’ cheese. 

Alice knew the cult was a thing when she moved back to Hope County. Of course she did: her mom was one of the first Montanan converts to the the cult. It was an innocuous church then, not anything that could ever be dangerous, despite the Father’s sermons of doom and gloom.

None of them, she’d told Mary May weeks later, were her type, except possibly Faith, definitely not the brothers. She'd learned from watching her sister that a relationship with the Seeds? That is a Bad Idea.

So... How can she explain waking up naked next to Jacob Seed?

----------------------------------------

Her second day back in Hope County started as normally as it could: her list of things to do was overwhelming, so of course she was ignoring it. Breakfast at the Spread Eagle seemed like a much better idea than cleaning. Well, lunch. Brunch? It was almost 1:30.

Alice was eating her french toast at the bar when she saw Casey whisper something to Mary May. The cook gave her a worried glance, but Mary May shrugged, looking annoyed, but not worried, came over to her.

“Looks like the welcoming crew is here.”

She looked at the bartender, confused.

“Someone saw the fuckin’ Peggies headed in. They must have heard someone was finally living in your folk’s house.”

“Should….” Alice looked down at her half-full plate, then back up at Mary May. “Should I go? Or, like, is there time to finish or…”

Mary May laughed. “Just bring the plate back later. I know where to find you.”

“So go now?”

Mary May shrugged.

“You’re no help.” Alice grumbled as she slid off the bar stool, “Ugh. It’s too early to be social - don’t you dare laugh at me Casey!”

She had just set the plate down on her kitchen counter when she heard her front door open.

“Anyone home?”

Fuck.

“Alice, you’re either here or at that infernal -- Ah.”

“Jane. Hey.” When Mary May had said Peggies were coming, she thought it would be one of the brothers or some random person. Not her sister. “Uhm. Yeah, I was… Breakfast.”

Jane raised her eyebrow, looking at the plate. “It’s almost two.”

“I’m moving to nights after training. I’m kinda up early. I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I’ve had one shift, okay? It’s fuckin’ weird switching sleep schedules like this.” Alice squinted at her sister. “Why are you here, anyways? You said you’d do your own thing for the shop and you made it pretty clear you were too busy to help me clean the place up.”

Her sister smiled at her - a sickly sweet one, one that set Alice on edge. “I came to invite you to church. The Father would love to meet you.”

“No.”

“Alice --”

“Jane.”

“Just once. You can see if you like it, meet the Father and his siblings. Mom won’t be at today’s service, but if you wanted to see her…”

Alice sighed, anxiously running her hand through her hair. “She’s made it pretty clear she doesn’t want anything to do with me or Caleb, so yeah, I’ll pass on seeing her.”

“Does that mean you’ll go?” Jane smiled again, hope replacing the fake sweetness.

“You’re gonna keep coming back if I don’t, aren’t you?” Jane nodded. “Ugh. Fine. Once. Once only. I’m not doing this shit again.”

“Fantastic! I’ll come back for you soon - when do you work?”

“In a few days. I just had paperwork and shit last night.”

“I’ll pick you up at four.” With that Jane turned to leave, giving the grey cat that had appeared next to her a look. “Really?”

“What? Data thinks he’s a dog. He wants you to pet him.”

“You named him Data.”

Alice blew a raspberry at her sister as she left, and went to pet the cat. “Hmph. Thanks for the backup, babe.”

Data flopped on his side, meowing at his human.

//

Jane showed up at 4pm on the dot. Alice was sitting on her front stoop, basking in the sunlight, praying that her sister wouldn’t show up. Or that she’d be late enough that maybe she could convince her to go to the Spread Eagle or over to th 8-bit for dinner. But nope. Exactly on time, as always.

Grudgingly, she stood up. Her sister had sent a text saying she didn’t need to bring her purse or wallet - which was honestly a little worrying, but… okay. She double-checked that she had remembered to lock the door, and climbed into the truck.

“Hey.” She glanced over at her sister, who was smiling. “...What?”

“You are going to love the sermon today. The Father is speaking at the revival --”

“You’re taking me to a revival?”

Jane ignored her sister. “The Father is speaking at the revival at Teller Ranch. His brothers will be there too, I’ll have to introduce you to John.”

Alice gave her a suspicious glance. She had thought that her sister wasn’t too deep into the cult - but how she was talking about the Seeds… It worried her. Not that Jane would listen to her concerns.

The pair were silent for the majority of the drive: Alice stared out the window, wishing she had brought her phone so she could tune out the stupid faux-gospel music that Jane was singing along to. She didn’t know who Faith was, but she really didn’t need to listen to how people wanted her to help them three times in a row. Occasionally, Jane would perk up and tell Alice about the amazing things that the church (cult) had been doing. Helping failing farmers, helping families who had gone under on their mortgages, they’d started a new school to replace the long-closed Fall’s End High. Objectively, Alice knew that the cult had done some good things, but after hearing about the cult from Mary May? She knew to take her sister’s words with a large grain of salt.

“We’re here!”

Alice looked up as Jane brought the car to a stop at the side of a road. She had no idea where they were. There were other cars stopped at the side of the road, but no buildings to give her an idea of their location. Well, okay, no, she technically knew where they were, but when you have been gone for so long... "Teller Ranch" doesn't really mean much.

Off in the distance, maybe half a mile from the road, Alice could see a tent. Everyone seemed to be making their way towards it, and she groaned. They were close enough to the Moccasin River that mosquitos would be a problem, and she really didn’t feel like dealing with those… Her sister had grabbed her hand, though, and started pulling her towards the tent, so she didn’t have a choice.

Great.

Once in the tent, Jane tried to pull Alice towards the front, to a group of people in the cult’s “uniform.” Her friends?

“Janey… You’re pushing it.” Alice pulled her hand away from her sister, and moved to the farthest back bench. Frowning, her sister sat down next to her. “Do I really need to be here?”

Jane gave her a sharp look, before perking up. A huge smile came across her face as a tall, dark-haired man stepped onto the stage.

“What?” Alice looked at her, and then to the man on the stage.

“It’s John. That’s Jacob next to him.” God, she looked like a lovesick teenager. Though - if that look was meant for the red-haired man next to John - well… He’s not too bad looking. Rough, not really her type, but handsome. The fact that he was in a position of respect within the cult, though, kiiiiinda negated that handsomeness.

The man surveyed the crowd, hands on his hips. “You are here because you are scared.”

Jane nodded. Did she really believe this? Alice was afraid of what was happening in the world, but she wasn’t running off to join a cult...

“Scared because of what you see on the news, what you hear on the radio. Deception. Godlessness. Who is accountable, who is in charge?” He gave the crowd a half-smile. “There is an answer to that fear. He has a name - Joseph Seed!”

The crowd, Jane included, cheered as a man wearing yellow glasses and a pastor’s collar walked into the tent. Behind her, a small group walked in to the tent, drawing the notice of Jacob. Alice looked up at them, to see if they wanted to sit, but one of of the quartet - a tall brunette, not someone that she recognized from town (not that she would, Alice thought, unless she had been in the Spread Eagle in the last few days) - shook her head. She shrugged, turning her attention back to Joseph Seed.

“I want you all to close your eyes for a moment. Think about the world outside this tent, outside this county. Can you see how sick our society has become?” Joseph looked around, smiling as he saw his followers with their eyes closed. “Can you see the disease creepin’ across the land? Greed. War. Starvation. It’s because people have moved away from God. There is a hatred brewing.” As people opened their eyes, he looked each of them in the eyes. As he said hatred, he met hers, sending a shiver down her spine. “It’s like a slow-acting poison churning in our guts. So I ask you: when you think of the world out there, do you feel safe?”

The faithful shook their heads, many answering “No.”

Alice looked around at the congregation, noticing that of those gathered, she and the latecomers were the only ones who weren’t soaking in every one of Joseph’s words. One of them leaned forward, whispering to the woman who had declined a seat. “That’s Linney. Third row.”

She didn’t have time to wonder what was happening before Joseph continued. “Of course not. You can feel it comin’, can’t you? In the morning, when you turn on the television or pick up your newspaper, you see the headlines and the fear, the confusion, the anger. See, we are like frightened animals, just creepin’ towards the edge. And there will be a reckoning.” He swept his eyes over her and the four next to her. “It is painful. I look right into your hearts and see how much pain you have, I see the scars the world has left upon your souls. But I’m here to tell you that the suffering… Well, that is a choice. You can choose a better path. We love you.”

Jane elbowed her in her ribs. Alice rolled her eyes.

“We want you. We accept you exactly the way you are.” Joseph smiled, spreading his arms to the crowd. “Every single one of you. I stand here asking you to join me, to join my family, and we will help you find your peace, your sanctuary. I am your Father, and you are my children. Together, we will march to Eden’s Gate.”

He continued there: bible verses, Project news updates, memos from both John and Jacob detailing the need for supplies and volunteers to train under Jacob’s Chosen, ending with stories of successes new converts had accomplished.

After his sermon was over, Jane pulled Alice out of the tent, waiting with a group of Peggies that were waiting to talk to the Father and his Heralds.

“Father, Jacob, this is my baby sister, Claire! She just moved back to Fall’s End. I wanted her to see how much you have done for the county.” Jane smiled, shaking the hands of the Father and Jacob, giving Alice a look that told her to do the same (she did, minus the smile).

Alice sighed. “Call me Alice. Jane’s the only one who calls me Claire nowadays.”

Though the Father was smiling at her, she knew her indifference hadn’t gone unnoticed. “Hello, Alice.”

Jane excused them, and pulled her in John’s direction. Just out of his earshot, she paused, and turned to Alice. “Don’t embarrass me.”

“Why would I embarrass you?” Alice rolled her eyes, “Fine. Whatever.”

“Alice.”

“I said fine!” Alice tugged her arm away from her sister. “Why are you so nervous? Is he your - oh my god you aren’t.”

“Alice --”

“You’re dating--” Jane glared at her, stopping Alice from continuing. “Do --”

“Yes, I am, no, they don’t know, now let’s just... “

“God, this is awkward.” Alice groaned, and followed her sister over to John.

She stood there awkwardly for a moment before Jane turned to her, holding John’s hand. “John, this is my little sister, --”

“Alice. Just call me Alice.” She shrugged. “If she tells you to call me Claire, ignore her.”

John smiled. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Alice glanced at Jane, “Uh, I hope good things. Not the baby stories or anything.”

“No, no, just the good things.” John looked between the two sisters, “Are you looking to join the Project?”

“John is the one who baptizes all new converts.” Jane explained. “He could baptize you!”

Alice shrugged. “Honestly, I just want to get settled right now.” And she had promised Pastor Jerome that she would go to his service the next day. He was so kind, and so genuine, that choosing between his church and the Project was an easy decision. Even if she didn’t go to church much these days. Although, she could see just dropping in every few Sundays going a lot better with Pastor Jerome than with the Father…

“That’s understandable. How long have you been back in town?”

“Uh… Two days? I got in late on Thursday. Had training at the station - uh, I’m in dispatch at the Sheriff’s office - last night. I haven’t really had time to get anything but my cat’s shi..stuff unpacked.” She swatted at a mosquito buzzing near her head, and then looked at her sister. “Uh, no offence to either of you, but is it okay if I go chill in the car till you’re done? I’m being eaten alive.”

Jane frowned, but John laughed. “Yes, of course.” He replied. “I hope to see you at church on Sunday.”

Alice gave him an awkward smile as she left for the truck. God, that was awkward. The Seeds all seemed so sure that she was going to follow in her sister’s footsteps and join the cult, that the thought of staying neutral wouldn’t cross her mind. She had seen John’s eyes light up when she mentioned that she worked in the Sheriff’s office - did they have people in the office? Well, they had to - with how big the cult was… Fuck. She should ask the Sheriff about that when she started.

She sat there, stewing over what the brothers had said, until her sister came back to the car.

“You had to leave early.” Jane scowled at her as she started the truck.

Alice raised her arm, pointing at a mosquito bite. “You didn’t tell me these fuckers would be here too!”

“It’s by a river!”

“One, you didn’t tell me that, two, I’ve lived in LA for the last decade, we don’t have mosquitoes there!”

“You just didn’t want to --”

“No shit I didn’t want to talk to them. I told you I didn’t want to go to this.” She crossed her arms, looking out the side window. “I’m not going on Sunday.”

“I wasn’t going to ask you to, after how you behaved.”

Alice shot her sister a glare, before turning back to the window. She wanted to protest when Jane turned the cult radio station back on, even louder than before, but she really didn’t want to be fighting the rest of the way home… Or at the shop on Monday, fuck. If Jane even showed.

Jane was still giving her the silent treatment when they got back to the house. Alice slinked inside, slamming the door shut and plopping herself on the couch.

“Fucking hell.” Crookshanks looked at her from across the room, and moved to sit next to her human. “Crook, I liked her better from a thousand miles away.”

[chrishansler]

What the hell, God?

On April 21st I lost my dad after complications from pneumonia and congestive heart failure. My dad was my hero and lived a great, long life. This left my mom alone in their house. Mom has always been a kind, capable woman. But now grieving the loss of her husband of 66 years, unable to drive and battling lewy body dementia, she was in need of significant care. My four siblings and I began to provide around the clock care until we realized this was unsustainable at which point we begin to hire caregivers to help in her home while we give as much time to her as we possibly can. Her home is her safe, familiar place which is important with this type of dementia, so we have done our best to keep her there, although the exorbitant cost of 24/7 care as well as the demands of the upkeep of her home have become untenable. 

Lisa’s mom, Bonnie, was also dealing with dementia. It had gotten to the point where she could no longer cook or bake or care for the home – all things she was renowned for. Lisa and her siblings cared for their parents and they also hired caregivers to provide additional assistance. In the early summer Bonnie discovered that she had sarcoma cancer in the abdomen. This began a treatment of 30 days of radiation, driving her up to Seattle every day. Lisa and I found ourselves spending nights each week at our respective parents’ houses to provide them as much care and support as we could. Bonnie made it through the treatments, but the cancer continued to spread and more and more care was required.

 At a conference in Anaheim in late June my laptop was stolen. In the ensuing weeks we discovered that they had used information off the laptop to steal our identities. There were dozens of attempts to make purchases and open credit cards in our names. Though we took all the necessary steps including fraud alerts, cancelling accounts, police reports and credit freezes, both of our credit scores, spotless up until then, took dramatic hits.

 It became clear that my mom would not be able to afford to live in her home for the long term, so Lisa and I made the decision in the fall to take my mom into our home, but our house was not conducive to this. After wrestling through the damage to our credit with our lender, we put our home on the market in November, it sold on December 4th and we put an offer on a new home that would allow mom to move in with us. To our surprise, the buyers of our home wanted to close on our home by no later than December 31st. We were hoping for a close on December 28th, our 33rd wedding anniversary! They were pre-approved and ready to go. This set us on a track to close our new home also by December 31st. The holidays were going to be a whirlwind! We got our house ready for the move, packing, getting rid of things we didn’t need, making repairs and cleaning all of the various nooks and crannies. We lived in that home for 24 years so we found many surprises in the nooks and memories in the crannies 😊; we raised our kids there, but we are excited about our new adventure.

 We tried our best to maintain some semblance of Christmas, putting up lights and our tree, knowing they would have to all come down on December 26th. Two of our three adult kids as well as their significant others came home for Christmas and to help us prepare for the move. 

 On the morning of Wednesday, December 26th Lisa had a doctor appointment to check a lump they were concerned about. We didn’t expect a problem. In fact, that morning my kids and I went up to the snow before coming back to take down our Christmas decorations. I was stunned when Lisa told me that they wanted her back that afternoon for biopsies because they suspected breast cancer. We went back, she had the biopsies and the doctor showed us the areas of concern and told us it would probably be Monday, December 31st when we would hear the definitive results.

 Meanwhile, Lisa’s mom had taken a significant turn for the worse. She was now on hospice care and had stopped eating on Sunday, December 23rd.  

 On December 27th we did all we could to prepare the house for the move. There had been some sort of possible hiccup in the buyers’ funding so we had to sign an extension for the possibility of a delayed closing. Lisa needed to be with her mom and dad that night so she spent the night there as her mom struggled to breath. I joined her, her siblings and their spouses from 11:00 pm – 1:30 am, singing songs, telling stories, laughing and crying. We knew the end was close.

 I woke on December 28th, called Lisa to wish her a happy anniversary and hoped for the remote possibility of the closing of the sale of our home. We had a crew coming on Saturday, December 29th to help us load our moving truck, so my son Johnathan and I continued to pack, take down Christmas lights and prepare the house for the move. At about noon I received the call from Lisa that her mom had died. I raced to be with her. Less than an hour after her mom passed, Lisa received a call from her doctor informing her that the biopsy results had come in and she indeed had breast cancer as well as cancer in her lymph node. We wept, and we prayed, and we told our kids.

 On Saturday, December 29th a good crew showed up at our home and we packed the moving truck. On Sunday, December 30th some dear friends joined us at our home and we cleaned and cleaned and cleaned the house, expecting for a December 31st move. The move to the new house was a little piece of anticipated joy in the midst of a pretty difficult few days. But on December 31st it became clear that our closing would be delayed until January 3rd. So we took clothes that would get us by for a few days, took our dog and cat and went to stay at Lisa’s dad’s home. We would have to keep the moving truck extra days as well as our storage unit until the house closed, incurring additional unexpected costs. Our oldest son (Bobby) arrived from Massachusetts on the 31st to help us with the move into the new house and to be here for his Grandma’s funeral.

 New Year’s Day was a welcome day off except for the fact that the Huskies lost the Rose Bowl. We took a little trip to drive by our new house and the neighborhood it was in so our son could see it, and we had a chance to rest as we prepared for the move. Lisa found out that she would have an MRI on Monday, January 7th.  Our daughter (Annie) would fly back from L.A. on January 4th and our other son would be coming home on January 4th for the January 5th funeral. Both Bobby and Annie would fly back home on January 7th.

 Today, January 2nd I received noticed that due to some unfortunate misguided decisions on the part of our home buyer and lender, our house closing would once again be delayed but this time until January 7th. Our clothing is all packed in the moving truck. I am officiating the funeral and have no dress clothes.  Lisa’s dresses, shoes, etc are all tucked deep in the back of the moving truck. January 7th is the day of Lisa’s MRI, our kids flying back home, and our moving helpers are all back to work, school, etc. My dad had a saying that came to mind, “Smile, things could get worse. So I smiled, and sure enough, things got worse.”

 I couldn’t believe it, and I found myself saying, “What the hell, God?”  How many more painful and disappointing things can happen – particularly to my wife - in such a short window of time?

 I know that some people might get offended that I would say, “What the hell, God?” But if you are more concerned about the fact that I would say “what the hell” than the actual hell my wife has been dealing with this week then you probably shouldn’t be the person I talk to today. There is a delicate balance between our faith and our humanity. We know God can cause things, can stop things and can do the miraculous. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn’t. But we also hurt, get angry, feel exhausted, scared and overwhelmed. King David expressed these sentiments when he said things like, “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever?” (Ps. 13:1) and “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Ps. 22:1). We know that Jesus quoted these very words on the cross.

 I think God is okay when we get gut-level honest with him. It’s not like it is a secret to him. We don’t have to put on an act with God. He hurts with us. He weeps over the effects of this world’s brokenness. He gets angry at injustice. But the truth is, sometimes I wish he’d just fix it.  In moments like this we have a choice in what we believe. Either:

1.       God is not there, or he is distant and apathetic towards us. In this case we just walk away rather than beat our heads against the disappointment of false hope. There is no point in expressing emotion to a God who isn’t there.

2.       God is very much there and is the source of strength we will need to get through. In this case we lean in to Him and trust Him to help us through. It is precisely because we believe in God – in His love for us and in his ability and desire to work on our behalf; in Jesus’ promise to be with us always – that we can say, “what the hell, God?”  Because if we believe He can, we’ll need at times to wrestle with why He doesn’t.

 Lisa and I are going to do our very best to take our cues from heaven and not from earth. Sometimes we feel afraid, but God reminds us that he has not given us a spirit of fear. Sometimes we worry about the “what-ifs” but Jesus reminds us that he is the Prince of Peace. Sometimes we feel abandoned by God, but then we are reminded through the beautiful expressions of love from so many people that He is represented through each of them. Sometimes we might say, “what the hell, God?” and He listens and reminds us that he may not always remove the storm, but he will certainly be with us through it. 

[bnha-love-imagines-blog]

Mariska #1

Character Profile Full name: Mariska Josephine-Esmeralda Marie-Anne Arlovskaya

Pronunciation: Mar-e-ska Jo-sef-ene Es-mer-al-da Mary-Ann Ar-lov-sky-a

Meaning of Name: Mariska: Of Bitter Sea in Hungarian; Josephine: Diminutive of Joseph (He will add); Esmeralda: Emerald in Portuguese; Marie; Rebellion; Anne: God’s Favor; Arlovskaya; Surname in Belarus

Hero/Villain Name: Alegria (Joy in Portuguese) the Thoughtful hero

Nicknames: Mari, Jo-Jo, Alda, Annie

History of Nicknames: Mari: Diminutive of first name; Jo-Jo: Jealous cousin called her this when he would visit the Arlovskaya estate in order to make fun of her; Alda: Her parents called her this frequently; Annie: Diminutive of Anne

Aliases: N/A

Nationality: Portuguese-Belorussian

Affiliation: Hero

Student Number: 25

Quirk: this would be the official label of the quirk, the in-depth description of it is later: Telekinesis/Pathokinesis

Birthday and Astrology Sign: September 27/Libra

Age: 15 turning 16

How old do they look: 16

Mental Age: 19

Gender: Female/She/Her

Orientation/Sexuality Preference: Bisexual/Biromantic

Birth date: September 27

Birth place: Homyel

Death date: N/A

Death place: N/A

Appearance: Eye color: also mention if this is unusual in the family or society.: Sea foam green eyes

Eye shape: Deep set eyes

Do they wear contacts or glasses?: Reading glasses Hair: Waist length naturally wavy naturally dark blonde hair; dyed strawberry blonde ombre to ash blonde

Height: 5′5

Weight: 140

Body build: slim, lean, muscular, overweight, etc.: Slim thick (small, lean waist, good amount of muscle on bum and legs)

Body shape: pear, hourglass, rectangle, etc.: Hourglass

Complexion: Rose ivory

Cup size: D

Blood Type: O+

Handedness: Right handed

Hand type: big hands, tiny hands, delicate hands, long fingers, short fingers, calloused hands, etc.: Delicate with some callouses from baking and cooking, long fingers, small compared to any male’s

Nails: long, short, dirty, clean, etc.: Oval shaped, long, painted nude, clean

Movement: Graceful

How do they walk: fast, with a limp, slow, hop in their step, swinging arms etc.: Toe first from years of dance

Posture: Relaxed, straight

Flexibility: Ballerina/Gymnast level

Voice: Mezzo-Soprano Belorussian accented

Speech Mannerisms: do they pause, stutter, say “um”, etc.: Licks lips between words, lisp when saying c’s

Scars: A scar on her right hip from her grandfather over pushing her in training and stabbing her (nicked her uterus almost causing her to become sterile but didn’t); A burn scar on her left shoulder from when she made a comment about how she believed they killed her parents

Birthmarks: if any: N/A

Piercings: if any: Double standard earlobe; nose stud on the right

Tattoos: if any: N/A

General face structure: like high cheeks bones, or looks like (insert celebrity): High cheekbones; Facial features are that of Perrie Edwards

Defining physical traits: N/A

Statistics: Power: ★★★☆☆ C  

Speed: ★★★ ☆ ☆ C

Technique: ★★★★☆ B  

Intelligence: ★★★★★ A  

Cooperativeness: ★★ ★ ★ ☆ B

Extra Explanation: N/A

Quirk and description: Telekinesis: Ability to move things with her mind (includes lifting people) Will get bad migraines and ringing in her ears if used too much; Pathokinesis: The ability to sense and control others emotions, Unable to use it on loved ones and has less control over her own emotions after using it for 30 minutes

Clothing: Uniform: UA High School Uniform

Casual outfit: (Changes frequently)

Preferred outfit: Leggings, off brand converse, a faded guns’n’roses crop top

Hero/Villain costume: Catsuit

Equipment / Support Items: if used: Handcuffs, taser, retractable police baton

Accessories: N/A

Jewelry: Rose gold locket with both her parents’ pictures in it, a gold ring with an opal that her father gave her before he died

Characteristics:

Personality:Kind, intelligent, daydreamer; stubborn, frivolous, gullible

Myers-Briggs Type: ENFP-T

Alignment: Chaotic good

Big Five personality traits: Extroversion: 96%; Agreeableness: 95%; Intelligence/Imagination: 91%; Emotional Stability: 9%; Conscientiousness: 5%

Enneagram: Type 2: The Helper

Most prominent personality trait: Kindness

Best traits: that others can see, they believe, etc.: Her kindness

Worst traits: that others can see, they believe, etc.: Her inability to follow plans

Likes: Anything they like to do, eat or see. :  Music, dance, literature, culture (Portuguese, Belorussian, Japanese), yoga, cuisine Dislikes: Anything they don’t like to do, eat or see.:  Large bugs, clowns, her grandparents

Quirks:  (not the superpower but little silly things they do) Hums as she does something, taps her fingers, twirls her hair, rolling her tongue Fear: Her grandparents killing more of those she loves, clowns, large bugs, being too weak

Hobbies: Singing, dancing, reading, yoga, going to the gym, eating, playing guitar, and cooking/baking

Skills/Talents:  Singing, Dancing, Flexibility, Playing guitar, piano, and violin

Strengths: Combat, Intelligence Weaknesses: Her kindness, gullibilty

Reason to keep on living: It would make her parents proud

What is their self-image like: Appearance wise: She believes she’s beautiful except for her scars Personality wise: She is happy with who she is Overall: Okay but hates her past and everything relating to it

Any religious or spiritual faith: Freelance Catholic (Prays with rosary, confesses sins daily, goes to church during holidays, worships the saints)

How does this faith / lack of affect them: It connects her to her mother. She feels at home when she comes home and is able to pray the way she and her mother would when she was a child with the rosary beads

What superstitions do they have: Walking under ladders, breaking mirrors, spilling salt, using the Lord’s name in vain

Coping mechanisms: Prayer, cuddling with her love(s)/her dogs/both

Any life motto or quote they live by: don’t be a jerk, yolo, cup should be half-full always, etc.: “A little thought and a little kindness is worth a lot more than any amount of money”

Favorite things:

Favorite Food(s): Kletski, Galushki, Tsibriki, Arroz Doce, Dobradinha, and Bacalhau com natas

Favorite Drink(s): Water, Green Tea, Coffee

Favorite Color(s): Teal, Purple

Favorite Animal(s): Dogs, Red Pandas

Favorite Number: 13

Favorite Season(s): Fall

Favorite Holiday(s): Christmas (Parents favorite holiday)

Favorite Time of Day: Sunset

Health:

Physical: Healthy

Mental: Not the best because of PTSD and Depression

Emotional Stability: Not the perfect but not terrible when her pathokinesis hasn’t been used

If faced with crisis, what is their go-to: fight, flight, or freeze: If there is someone in danger, fight. If she is in danger or it’s a natural happenstance, flight

Nutrition: Very well, home cooked meals almost daily, has a bit of a sweet tooth though

Habits: this could be sleeping habits, eating habits, nervous ticks, biting fingernails, etc.: Sleeps on left side and mumbles in sleep, eats with mouth closed and as nobility style etiquette, bounces her leg when nervous as well as taps her fingers, meditates and prays daily, good care of body, if she's in a big crowd, she'll accidentally sense a negative emotion or will change someone else's emotion if she is very emotional around those she doesn't know

Family History: example, a certain mental illness or physical disease runs in the family: N/A

History, Background, and Future:

0-4: Happy; Her grandparents seemed kind enough

5-8: She understands more but her parents will protect her

9-11: Age ten, her parents are killed when a piece of construction from the new garden house mysteriously falls in. Her paternal grandparents care for her when her maternal side isn’t doing so; both begin to train her rigorously

12-14: Is trained to beating and pain, she loathes both sides as she knows they caused the “accident”

15-Present: Moves to Japan after getting into U.A

Did they like their upbringing: Loved it until her parents’ death

How has their upbringing shape them: She has become lowkey bitter to older people unless shown they are kind

What did they enjoy most about their childhood?: Cooking with her mom, playing piano with her father, running through the garden

What did they hate most about their childhood?: The pain of loss and the burden of becoming great

Current Dream: be the number one pro-hero, run a successful company, etc.: Be pro-hero with proud parents

Long-term goals for Future: get married, have kids, be successful, be a pro-hero, etc.: Pro-hero married with kids

Home:

Home Life as a Kid: abusive, supportive, neglecting, etc.: Happy then abusive

Home Life Now: abusive, supportive, neglecting, etc.: Generally quiet until moves into dorms and now it’s very supportive and loud

Relationships:

Parent(s): Chiara (Carriedo) Arlovskaya, Ivan Arlovskaya

Sibling(s): N/A

Relative(s): Carmella Carriedo and Antonio Carriedo, Natalya Arlovskaya and Dmitri Arlovskaya

Best Friend(s): Midoriya Izuku, Momo Yaoyorozu, Ochako Uraraka

Friend(s): Iida Tenya, Tsuyu Asui, Kirishima Eijirou

Crush(es): Todoroki Shouto, Katsuki Bakugou, Midoriya Izuku

Pet(s): A Husky named Chi-Chi and a German Shepherd named Vanny (both named after her parents)

Rival(s): N/A

Enemy: Villains, Mineta

Extra:

Smells like Strawberries and Vanilla

Works in a bakery

Social media queen

Amazing photographer with cell phone

Hates snack cakes

Theatre Nerd

Speaks Portuguese, Belorussian, English, and Japanese

Has met Gran Torino and is unofficially his granddaughter

I have edited @izukulove ‘s oc form but nevertheless, it is still theirs and I hope they do not mind my using and editing it! This is the newer, updated version of Mariska! I will number each post by order of release.

[inkofamethyst]

June 20, 2020

I’m going to try to be as straightforward here as possible because I’m not trying to start crying again.  I do, however, want to share how I’m feeling.

I am scared of my maternal grandmother dying.

For the past few years, her body has deteriorated with a Parkinson's-like condition, and it’s been really difficult to watch.  My grandfather has become her primary caretaker, and his sister helps when he’s at work.

Today my family and I went to their house for a pre-Father’s Day socially-distanced cookout.  We’ve been keeping our distance from my grandparents because they are black, have pre-existing conditions, and are in the high-risk age group.  My parents went to the store today, so we had to be especially cautious of getting too close.  It was really extremely difficult for me to see my grandmother as skinny as she was.  Apparently she’s quickly lost eighty pounds.  She hasn’t been able to walk on her own for years, but now she’s just skin and bones in my grandfather’s arms as he guides her from chair to chair.  Apparently she doesn’t do much nowadays except rest and watch television.

Despite all of this, I played a bunch of music from the 1970′s for her, especially Lou Rawls.  He’s one of my favorite singers right now, and I’m so glad that my mom had told me that my grandmother used to listen to his records a lot.  She was actually humming and singing along with the songs I played for her.  The very same songs that I listened to when I became homesick at school during my first semester in college.  It made me smile.  I felt more connected to her than I had for a long time.

You see, for the past few years, it’s been really painful for me to watch her go through this.  I’ve sort of... distanced myself, thinking that it would ultimately be less painful if I did.  Today I realized just how selfish that style of thinking was.  She needs me now more than ever.

When we had left my grandparents’ lush, green backyard (the same backyard that I had spent countless hours playing in with my grandparents), my grandfather began to share with my mother about my grandmother’s condition.  How her memory was going.  How she would frequently try to walk by herself and fall.  She had fallen last weekend in the middle of the night and knocked herself out for five minutes.  My grandfather drove her to the hospital but had to wait in his car because of COVID.  His masculinity is very important to him, but he sounded scared and tired.

I tried to hold in the tears on the way home.  I silently screamed and cried when I had finally been able to get into the shower.  Afterwards, I found my mom and we hugged tightly for a very long time while I cried into her.  I confessed how sorry I was for distancing myself, and how I was scared too.  She told me that seeing her mom that way was hard for her too.  That she had to go numb to it all to cope.  She calls my grandparents every night, though.  And she prays each morning and night that my grandfather has the strength to care for his wife.

Tonight, I join my mother in that prayer.  I know my faith right now is in a rocky place, but I really need to believe in something right now.  I need to believe that there’s something after this life where my grandmother will be happy and without pain.  I need to believe that the love my grandfather has for his life partner will allow him to persevere.  

I do have good memories of my grandmother.  Most notably, crawling around with her under her kitchen table after her gray miniature schnauzer, Solomon.  I remember decorating Christmas trees in her basement.  I remember cooking all sorts of things in her little kitchen.  Pound cakes, scrambled eggs, and microwave grits, mostly.  I remember being on my hands and knees planting flowers in my grandmother’s front garden.  Spreading mulch and keeping myself away from the hostas because they attracted bees and I was afraid of the bees.  I remember taking walks with her through the neighborhood.  I remember her teaching me how to thread a sewing machine, more recently.  She gifted me her old Singer, and it’s still in my basement, but it doesn’t work anymore.

Today I am thankful for these memories.  I am thankful for my grandfather, who still loves her.  I am thankful for my mother, who understands.  I am thankful for today and every subsequent visit I have with my grandmother.  They’re all gifts.

I’ve never mourned before, and I’m not looking forward to it, but I don’t want to waste the time I have anymore.

On a lighter note, my photo-friend and I have made the decision to engage more with the black population on campus this fall.  Tonight we created some checklist items of things that we want to do.  Many probably won’t be possible this fall due to COVID restrictions, but that’s okay.  This is a list that can be added to, edited, and completed over the next three years we have at this school.

Tomorrow, my summer class will officially be over, and, honestly, good riddance.  I spoke of this in my previous post, but I disliked the professor’s organization of the class, and I’m glad I didn’t take it during a regular 15-week semester.  I’ll write, edit, and turn in my 4-page minimum responses to four essay questions by 11pm Sunday, and that will be that.

Goodnight.

[lyrical-spherical]

Epiphany

[ENSEMBLE]

In nomine Patris

Et Filius

Et Spiritus Sancti

Introibo ad altare Dei

Amen

[PRIEST, spoken]

I want to welcome all of you back. I hope that Christmas was a time of great joy for you and your families. Today is the feast of the Epiphany, the celebration of the arrival of the three wise men to pay homage to the Baby Jesus. I want you to imagine what that journey must have been like, a journey resting entirely on faith that they would know where they were going once they arrived. Imagine what a joy it must have been for them to have finally reached their destination.

Seniors, you're coming to the end of four years at St. Cecilia's. You've lived together, studied together, and most importantly prayed together: strength for the journey. We begin in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. Let us take a moment now to call to mind to those times when we've fallen from God's grace. I confess —

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]

To almighty God, and to you, my brothers and sisters: that I have sinned through my own fault, in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do. And I ask the blessed Mary, ever virgin, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters —

[PETER, spoken]

To pray for me, to the Lord our God.

[ENSEMBLE (except PETER)]

Yes, pray for him to the Lord, your God!

[ENSEMBLE MAN]

One of these boys just ain't like the others!

[ENSEMBLE WOMAN]

Loves his female singers!

[ENSEMBLE WOMAN]

Loves to cook!

[ENSEMBLE MAN]

Looks around in gym!

[ENSEMBLE WOMAN]

It pleases him!

[ENSEMBLE (except PETER)]

Thoughts enslave him

Somebody save him!

[ENSEMBLE MAN]

'Cause he knows that he is taking chances

[ENSEMBLE MAN]

And he knows that his romance is doomed!

[ENSEMBLE WOMAN]

He'd sacrifice his soul to feed his vice!

[ENSEMBLE (except PETER)]

Heaven severed

Hell is forever!

Dig down deep and save your soul

Grave mistakes will take their toll

Every sin is entered in

Heaven comes with discipline!

[PETER]

But it doesn't all make sense

What I feel is real

[ENSEMBLE (except PETER)]

No more dodging, God is watching

His eye is on the lowly sparrow

The road is long

The path is narrow!

[ENSEMBLE WOMAN]

And your mother, God how she will suffer!

[ENSEMBLE MAN]

Will your father break to bear the shame?

[ENSEMBLE MAN AND ENSEMBLE WOMAN]

Yes, you were a force in their divorce

[ENSEMBLE (except PETER)]

Trust the shepherd

God make an effort!

[ENSEMBLE MAN]

Will you drag that poor boy down there with you?

[ENSEMBLE WOMAN]

He's unsure and you can change his mind

[ENSEMBLE MAN]

If you love him so you'll let him go

[ENSEMBLE (except PETER)]

Life is choices

Live by our voices

Dig down deep and save your soul

Grave mistakes will take their toll

Every sin is entered in

Heaven comes with discipline!

[PETER]

But it doesn't all make sense

If the love is strong

[ENSEMBLE]

No more dodging, God is watching

His eye is on the lowly sparrow

The road is long, the path is narrow!

[CLAIRE, spoken]

Our first reading today is the story of how, despite the best efforts of a single mother, a child can still go horribly, horribly wrong.

[PETER, spoken]

Mom!

[CLAIRE, spoken]

For his eighth birthday, Peter asked for an EZ-Bake oven. His father asked for a divorce. To me, the link between those two events was as strong as Peter's attraction to my makeup table.

We sent him to Catholic boarding school thinking it might help, but when he met his roommate Jason, the two of them locked eyes, and I said to myself, “Claire, you wanted grandchildren. Instead, you're gonna get ambiguous Christmas cards from South Beach.”

[ENSEMBLE WOMAN, spoken]

Please join us in singing our offertory hymn, number 279: “A Bender Among Us.”

(sung)

There’s a bender among us, he must be exposed

He'll kidnap our children then take off their clothes

A bender among us, there’s pink in our flock

A boy without conscience who's led by his —

[CLAIRE, spoken]

Cockamamie. Pure cockamamie that this isn't a choice. Don't do this to me, Peter.

[PRIEST]

The peace of the Lord be with you always

[ENSEMBLE]

And also with you

[PRIEST]

Let us offer each other a sign of Christ’s peace

(spoken)

This is the lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world. Happy are those who are called to this table.

[PETER]

Lord, I am not worthy to receive you

But only say the word and I shall be

[ENSEMBLE (except PETER)]

Lord, he is not worthy to receive you

[PETER, spoken]

Father?

[PRIEST, spoken]

Not at a funeral, Peter.

[MATT]

I'd like to start with just a

If we could take a moment

If maybe we were silent

Or we had spoken

[PETER, spoken]

Mom, what is it? Ivy? Nadia? Matt?

(sung)

Is it I, Lord?

Is it I?

[ENSEMBLE MEN and ENSEMBLE WOMEN]

Timothy, Romans, Corinthians, Leviticus

Timothy, Romans, Corinthians, Leviticus Hate the sinner, hate the sin

Timothy, Romans, Corinthians, Leviticus Created in His image. Abomination!

Timothy, Romans, Corinthians, Leviticus Abomination! Abomination!

(all)

Abomination!

Abomination

Bear Bear

The cross

The cross Bear

Bear the cross! Cross!

Bear the cross! Bear the cross!

Bear the cross! Bear the cross!

[PRIEST, spoken]

Let us go forth in peace, to love and serve the Lord.

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]

Thanks be to God.

[stonersolana]

DND - Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild

so many bullshit things have happened since i last posted such as ~

the party getting trapped in a hell church run by a demon that made us live through our worst fears.

Paja freaking out at being touched or feeling warmth, breaking down into tears when Gilleon dragged her into the igloo so she wouldn't die from the cold. His force and her slipping resulted in them kissing by mistake. Paja gets angry and punches him.

The party gets kidnapped by Simulacra and Paja figures out that Simulacra can't bleed and that's how they could tell the difference between the real them and the others. Unfortunately i rolled a nat 1 and sliced so deep into Paja's arm that she cut the nerves and lost use of everything below the middle of her forearm. She got it removed and replaced with automail that turns into an electrified spike at will.

A Guardian wakes up and a demon wizard kidnapps the party, taking them to the central monster camp. They find out that every living thing has a piece of Demise in them, and the only way to remove it is through a painful rite. the only way to perform the rite is by using these power cores, one core per person. Ati, wanting to become stronger, offers herself up but Paja pushes her out of the way and goes instead. She says that because none of them know how the rite works or even if they'll survive it, it would be best that she goes instead.

Paja gets the darkness ripped out of her (her greed, her lust, her impulsivity, her pride, her cruelty and ruthlessness) and she is forced to fight the horrific mass that continuously ignores her or tosses her aside to try and kill her friends. Paja's Blight has a strange fixation on Gilleon, repeatedly attacking him even when Paja steps in the way to protect him. Eventually the party kills it and once its gone, Paja falls to her knees and openly weeps. She curls in on herself, shaking and screaming at the emptiness inside her.

Paja's personality was pretty much 90% Blight, so now without it, she feels that she is nothing. She drinks herself numb and smokes herself stupid for 2 days, going through crying jags every time she gets somewhat sober. The rest of the party is extremely uncomfortable, having seen Paja as a pillar of strength and power and now having to watch her collapse in on herself.

When the party returns to the Union, they're told that everyone thought they were dead for 3 weeks. When everyone walks into the war room and sees the leaders of all their clans in a heated discussion which slowly quiets when they see the 7 party members that were thought to be dead. Impa sees her daughter Paja and runs up to her, tears running down her cheeks. She hugs her tight and says "you're alive. my baby is alive. you're here. you're safe" over and over. Paja didn't know how much her adoptive mother loved her until that moment and Paja breaks down crying again, saying "I'm sorry, mama. I'm sorry for all of it. i thought you would be relieved, but i guess i was wrong."

The party convinces the Union to work with the Monsters against the Guardian tasked with destroying Demise and is set on killing all the life in Hylia to do so.

The party goes to Gilleon's house for the holiday feast and they meet his family, Paja is still horrifically depressed and refuses to make eye contact with Gilleon. He occasionally tries to prod her, saying something teasing, but she doesn't react. Mako, Gilleon's older sister, pulls Paja aside and asks her what's wrong.

Paja admits that she's in love with Gilleon and that she's known since the church. Her worst fear was watching Gilleon and her mother abandon her, then burn her at the stake. How, now that she has no lid for her emotions, everything is spreading like a grease fire and she has no control over her emotions anymore but when she sees Gilleon, everything quiets. Everything feels manageable, she feels at peace. Which then makes her feel terrible, because she knows Gilleon hates her and they had JUST started becoming friends and her love for him would just ruin that.

Mako sings her a song of healing, mending Paja's broken heart partially. She tells Paja to take it easy for the next few days because something is coming after her party and it feeds on the emotionally weak.

Shelly, Gilleon's mad scientist sister, pulls Paja into her room to do tests on her automail arm. Paja lights up a joint, feeling considerably better, until Gilleon follows her into the room and tries to get Paja to put it out so that his mom doesn't smell it. Paja giggles and flirts with him, then confesses that he makes everything quiet and she loves the blue of his eyes and his smile makes her smile and that she's completely in love with him. She then admits that her worst fear was him and her mother leaving her.

Gilleon snaps at her, saying "So you hate me as much as you hate your mother? Seriously what is wrong with you? You bully me for months then you pull this? What do you hope to gain? Seriously this isn't fucking funny, Paja."

The rest of the day is Gilleon and Paja yelling at each other and miscommunicating. Paja desperately trying to get Gilleon to understand that she loves him and would never want to hurt him while Gilleon thinks that she's lying to fuck with him and that she's decided to bully him again. Seriously, the rest of the session was just Paja and Gilleon yelling at each other. Mako has had enough and she's DONE, so she yanks Gilleon into his room and yells at him something to the effect of "what the actual all encompassing FUCK was that? she was sobbing in my room and one of the things that upset her the most was her love for you, because she knows she fucked up. the least you could do is not be a dick to her so when the thing thats coming to kill you all in 3 days actually comes, maybe you all won't die!"

They visit the Dekuscrub Village (which is a large tree), they get reunited with Nakka. now, no one has any clue who Nakka is. but according to Nakka, Gilleon is his very best friend in the whole word - or any other dimension. That his Gilleon, a merfolk alcoholic Bard, jumped into a portal and got dispersed throughout other dimensions and this was the one Nakka found him in. Little backstory on Nakka: Richard created Nakka in another campaign for one specific purpose. To fuck with the DM. he exploited the system to make a super-charged character. Nakka is extremely strong and can essentially hug people to death. He has bested gods in hand-to-hand combat, he's defeated devils in cooking shows. all while having a +1 on pretty much everything except strength, concentration, and agility. this dude has been through so much shit that is a sudo God and is the Lord of Hell because he kicked Satan down into the dirt. and Nakka has done all of this for his very best friend Gilleon. Gilleon, in the past incarnation, became an alcoholic because Nakka ruined his life. Nakka bested the Goddess Merfolk!Gilleon prayed to every night since he was a child, dethroned her, put Gilleon on her throne, and gifted the goddess to Gilleon as a girlfriend. this broke Gilleon irreparably and he went into a downward spiral of insanity and alcoholism until he threw himself into a void that threw him into multiple dimensions.

Richard decided that every campaign that Ian plays Gilleon in, Nakka will always eventually show up to reunite with his "fishbro". Ian said that every time Nakka shows up, Gilleon will have a knee-jerk reaction to him that will start with crying and end with being hella paranoid all the time.

So, two days after Zora!Gilleon reuniting with Nakka, and Paja basically protecting Gilleon in every combat they get into, Gilleon feels terrible for what he said and pulls her aside during an extended rest. He confesses that yeah, he was scared and hurt when she initially told him that she loved him and it took him some time to accept that New Paja isn't the same as Old Paja. and if he was being honest with himself, he hasn't hated Paja for a long time and actually feels like he would rather be by her side than anywhere else. That he thinks if he were to be without her that he would be miserable. His feelings were that he loved her above all else and never wanted to be without her.

Still scared that he doesn't mean it, she still asks him out on a date and they go for a drink.

Note: Nakka created a door/portal to Merfolk!Gilleon's room in Hell upon meeting this party. Zora! Gilleon picked up a picture of Merfolk!Gilleon and Paja leans over his shoulder and says "hm he's hot." which causes Gilleon to get insecure. Paja found a chest with 69 bottles of 100 proof alcohol. 1 bottle in the 69 is the Krunkinator, which is 2,000 proof alcohol only fit for the king of hell to drink - everyone else will be killed the second their lips touch the liquid. i now need to roll a D65 (we already used or drank 4 of them) every time we pick up a bottle to see if today will be the day we die.

[jaxdcnn-blog]

⟩  — ❛  BOILING POINT ::   SELF PARA  !

     laughter, even the question of singing heard in the distance. eight figures standing around fire and all jackson dunn could consider was--- is this my friday night now? doing something unaccountably good. he told himself time and time again, the only way to evoke change was the rip the poison from the hands and give it back to the people. burn it to the ground or watch it bleed dry. put heads upon spikes and pray that the men around them get the message.

his skin felt hot standing so close to the flame. he swore just a few seconds ago it wasn’t so huge. it was like burning a pile of furniture upstate back home. except, there was no furniture, and they weren’t upstate. anarchy. chaos. screaming men and chiming women who danced at the feet of what they believed was good. jackson just looked on and thought of a mother who wouldn’t be able to work. a teenager just trying to earn money for their first car. a retired teacher getting extra money to make up for their shit retirement plan. god bless the government, right?

jax took a step forward, he could feel the fire. he could feel it under his skin. it burned. capitalism, the unrepresented poor; everything came crashing down to this moment. they were the fire. this building was what they were eating up. if jax just walked closer maybe he could understand---

“ jackson dunn ! ”  a pound shook him from his thoughts. looking up, the woman in the robe had a stern face, which only lasted a moment before it softened.   “ listen, kid. we don’t want to ruin the rest of your life. you got stuck in a pretty bad spot with some pretty bad people. you didn’t start the fire. you didn’t even plan it. you were just there. “   she leans forward, quirked eyebrow.   “ you get this one chance--- you can make yourself better, or do something stupid again and end up in prison. it’s all up to you. “   she sits back, looking over her papers.   “ two years probation. “    slamming down the gavel, jax jumps at the sound, feeling the clasp on his shoulder from his lawyer; an old friend from high school his mother had.

jax barely remembered him. he moved to san diego for law school before jax even started the first grade. nice guy. jackson wonders if they weren’t just friends. if maybe he was doing this for emily dunn rather than him. his mother told him not to care, jax just doesn’t want his mother’s debts to be in his name.

“ nice work, jack. you hungry? “    the name rings true to just how long it’s been and he stands from his seat, turning around to look for his mom.

“ please don’t call me that. “   he says softly, his hands sweaty from having to listen to the case. all that nerve wracking information. jax doesn’t even know what his friends got. they’ve all been kept apart--- which was their call. and a good one at that.

jackson steps over the railing, not bothering with the proper entryway, to meet his mother halfway. from her tall, gangly crying body, he wraps his arms around her tightly, his face tucked into her shoulder. for the first time in a long time, jackson cried, in the courtroom, where he was granted freedom. he pushed the boundaries too far and had his taste of a life he didn’t want.

his mother rubs her hand over his back, his body trembling as the blouse gets clenched in his fingers.   she hushes him quietly as he weeps, collecting herself quickly so she could be there for her son. rocking him gently, she whispers to him softly.   “ it’s okay, baby. it’s okay. it’s all over now. “   soothing words he hasn’t heard since the funeral. words she hasn’t dealt since the last time he wept on her shoulder.

“ let’s get out of here. okay? “   she slowly pulls away from her son, wiping away the wetness from his cheek.    “ we can get something to eat. i know you haven’t touched anything in days. “

it’s a moment he hasn’t had since he was a child. using the back of his hand to wipe his cheek after her, nodding with pouting lips at her words. it reminds him of being a kid, crying at the kitchen table and her telling him all would be fine, and handing him lunch. jax doesn’t get this fragile around anyone, really. except emily dunn.

           consuming like a vaccum cleaner, jax had cleaned his plate in a matter of minutes. his mother suggested he pick bottomless pancakes and now he understood why. by the third plate he finally slowed down and his mother caught up to him, still on her first. he listened to her intently go on about their plans from now on. he always listened to her. no right mind would allow him to tune her out. she’d have his head.

“ i’m going to stay for another two weeks. “   she said plainly, and jackson set down his fork.

“ what? mom, you can’t. what about work? you can’t put your life on hold for me. “   he shook his head, his palms still sweaty from this morning, wiping across his jeans.   “ i won't allow that. “

she laughs, shaking her head as she cuts another piece of her pancake off.   “ well, it’s not your call to make. and thankfully, i barely have a life to begin with. i haven’t taken any vacation days and the ladies owe me this. you think i’m leaving your ass the second you’re let off? for fuck’s sake, jackson, you have four shirts and two pairs of pants. everything you own fits into your backpack. when i came here, you were living on the street and rolling around with a bunch of west coast cockroaches. “

emily dunn rarely called people cockroaches. they were worse than pigeons, and even below rats. she would always say; there’s a special place in hell for roaches.  it didn’t help she hated california and all the west coast pricks around her. she was a new york girl through and through. this place made her skin crawl.

but she had a point. his life was in shambles and the second he tried to fix it, he ran himself into the ground with self loathing and trouble. he needed her help to get his life in the right direction.

chewing on the fluffy pancake, she points his fork in his direction.   “ so after this, we’re going to mall, i’m buying you some clothes. while we’re there, you’re going to pick up some job applications. “

“ i already have a job. “    his eyebrows furrowed, hands folded together in his lap.

“ i know. you’re getting a second one. “    this wasn’t a choice. these were his mother’s terms. ones he would abide to more than he would to his probation officer. she’d have his ass, and he knew to respect that.   “ we’ll start looking for apartments tomorrow. i don’t care if you live in a pantry, you’re going to have a home by the time i leave. “

“ yes, ma’am. “    he nodded, picking his fork back up. another large chunk of pancakes is shoved into his mouth.

just as the conversation was rapping up, their server comes back with the coffee pot. her hair is long, brown, and tied back. she wears a cheery smile but he can tell she doesn’t mean it. it reminds him of the woman across the table when she was young--- when they were just kids. a little more curved, definite bags from under her eyes. her hip look perpetually popped, probably from balancing a child over it for so long. she looks like someone with a life beyond this one. she looks like someone who is just trying to make it through ‘til tomorrow.

jax slides his mug across the table, giving her a smile--- genuine too, in hopes that she’ll return it back.   and seeing that that smile was returned, he felt that fire in his skin return. set ablaze, he saw what he was hoping to see engulfed in the flames. right as she walked away, coffee pot in hand. he could see clearly now what the world was trying to tell him;

in the darkest of nights, where he’s certain evil lurks, the solution is to not cure fire with fire. as much as he wishes it not the case, you need evil in order to keep the world going. the great consumer mind--- that which kept this establishment alive, was the sole reason a mother had a job. it was the reason for the kid in the back learning to cook, with dreams of becoming a chef.

his fire was not for his cause. it was selfish. a one-sided cause only meant to fuel himself and his anger. what good was it if he only used it to hurt? he told the world he’d never harm with his fists again, but that didn’t exempt him from what his hands did elsewhere.

the past was all but that--- the past. his chest ached so much for it, and he wanted that to end. but what good was wanting it to end if he didn’t let it go? all the way to the beginning--- his father, mandy, the endless girls who stepped on him in high school, the pain he caused farida, blaise and her tyraids; what good was all of it if he didn’t take the evil, and see what it did for the good?

“ jackson? “    a snap of fingers in his face and he’s pulled away again for the second time today.   “ you sure are spacey today. you should drink more water. “

he snorts at her comment, taking the glass as suggested.   “ noted, “   and he took a long sip.

the journey to freedom would be a long, but rewarding one. he feels a weight lifted from his chest already.   “ i love you, mom. “   he says after he sets down his glass, smiling.   “ i appreciate all you’ve done for me. “

she looks up from her plate, about to take a bite before she sets the fork down, reaching over to pat his forearm.   “ i love you too, jackson. nothing in this world could tear me away from you. you’re my son. my only one, too. i want you to be happy and successful. i’m going to do what i can to make sure you get there. “

he knew there wasn’t an ounce in her lying about that.   “ thank you. “   he nods, wiping his hands across his jeans again.

she pulls away, taking the bite from her pancakes she didn’t hadn’t before.   “ you’re going to start showering more, too, you know. you always look like you crawled out of the trash. how are you going to get a girlfriend like that? “

he laughs, sitting back in the booth, picking at his pancake.   “ you’d be surprised, mom. some girls like that. “

she hums, rolling her eyes.   “ hard to believe. “

he missed her more than anything.

[miss-lucy-silver]

FIC: CLOSER (5/30)

A Chris Evans fanfic

Summary: A day full with emotions led to a terrible ending.  

Warnings: NONE 

NOTES: So, here it is...It took a while to post this because I wasn’t so convinced about this chapter. I don’t know. I still don’t like it. Maybe that’s why I was gone for a few weeks (”Lola you’ve been gone for more that just a few weeks”) because I wanted to try again and write something different, but nothing came out. So, i was about to loose my shit (AGAIN) and I decided to post it anyway. SO SORRY AGAIN (”stop apologizing, and post the damn chapter, Lola.”)

If by any reason you would like to be added or removed from the tag list, let me know! 

SONG: Dream a little dream of me - Ella Fitzgerald   

                  CHAPTER FIVE: Dream a little dream of...

PHOTO: (credits to owner)

                                         CHRIS- Tuesday 7:10 pm

                                       Pickles, I’m back. Where R U?

                                         CHRIS- Tuesday 7:45 pm

                                                     Pickles?

                              -3 missed call- 8:15 pm- from CHRIS

                                         CHRIS- Tuesday, 9:38 pm

                               Lori, please answer me. Where are you?

                              -1 missed call- 11:00 pm- from CHRIS

                             -1 missed call- 11:15 pm- from EVE

NEW YORK- Earlier that morning

A delicate, warm body moved on the wide empty mattress, making the soft fabric travel on her pale skin. Her hair, curly and messy, was all over her face after a long night in bed. She was still feeling dizzy with no energy at all, but somehow, she felt a little bit better thanks to Chris, who stood in her apartment after two weeks of their reencounter.

It was 9 am when Lori yawned and opened her eyes. She turned her body to the window, watching the snowfall, and thinking of what they should do in that day. Maybe a walk, a hot coffee in their favorite coffee shop, or just laying on bed watching a movie. She smile at that happy thought, when she felt some familiar vibe around the house. The soft music, with Ella Fitzgerald singing Dream a little dream of me, traveled through the house, mixing the melodies with the sound of someone cooking breakfast. The sweet smell of pancakes, bacon and coffee woke her up, but the warm room stole a sigh from her, sinking under the big blanket and closing her eyes again.

“If you don’t wake up, I’m gonna eat all the bacon” said Michael from the door.

Her eyes opened like two plates, and her heartbeat got faster than ever. Was he…? But….he can’t be.

“Alright. Bacon’s out” She heard his steps leaving the room, and quickly turned to see him. However, he was gone. She stood up and looked at the door, completely confused.

Michael used to do that, making breakfast on snow days, with music and making noises in the kitchen; and the only way to wake her up was by threating her with her bacon.  

She ran, stumbling down the hall, thinking of all the things they lived all those years, re-living the last months, and the pure joy she was having by his side. She suddenly stopped and closed her eyes, praying to God everything that happened was just an awful dream, and he was still there with her. “I chose you three years ago, and I will choose you, forever” she heard the words he said the night of her birthday, when she thought he was cheating on her, and he gave the most simple but honest confession to her; making her feel loved like any other.

“Chris” she whispered, almost with no breath in her lungs, when she ran into the kitchen and found him there.

Part of her was in shock, after such a vivid hallucination, and the other part was disappointed. She knew it was impossible, but her heart couldn’t see it. She couldn’t accepted it yet. How could she?

“Hey! I was making some breakfast for us. I didn’t know if you’d like bac…on. Lori?” Chris was looking at the kitchen the whole time. But when he turned around, he saw her looking at the floor with a terrifying look on her face. “Lori, what is it?” From one second to the other he ran to her side, and held her from her arms.

“I’m fine…I just. I thought…” She took her head and closed her eyes, confused. “I’m okay”

Chris didn’t believed her and was highly scared for the way she was looking around the house, like she was lost. “Look at me. Lori, look at me.” Her eyes were lock on one of the walls, where a picture of her and Michael was looking at her.

“The beach. He was there. He was… here.” The words came out of her mouth in a whisper, taking Chris’s arms and hugging him tight “What’s happening to me?” she cried in his shoulders.

Chris’s heart shattered at that point, feeling helpless and useless when he didn’t know what to do to make her feel better. “You had that nightmare again,” he said while caressing her back.  

“It’s always there. Haunting me. Chris I’m tired of dreaming the same thing over and over.”

His arms held her tight against his body, and his breath was on her neck. He truly wanted to do everything in his power to help her, but he didn’t know how, and for him that was unbearable. Especially when it comes to help her.

Then, something crossed his mind. A glimpse of what they used to do when they were younger, and how that simple gesture made both of them happy.

“Go to bed, and choose the movie.” he said, taking her by her arms and guiding her to her bedroom.

Lori smiled. She completely forgot about his promise, and the idea of doing that took the pain away, at least for a few hours.

“You remembered it” her voice was still broken, but he could tell she was smiling.

“How can I forget it?” he exclaimed rolling his eyes.

“I…I did” she joked with embarrassment, looking at Chris’s reaction. His mouth and eyes opened in offense.

“You’re a terrible friend.” said Chris, emphasizing the ‘terrible’ by closing his eyes. When he opened them, he saw her laughing with tears in her eyes and couldn’t help but clean one of the tears that fell on her cheek.    

“But you love me” she said, wrapping her arms in his waist, shortening the distance between them.

Chris laughed, holding both of Lori’s cheeks. He placed a small kiss in her forehead, making her close her eyes, and sweetly he admitted “Madly”.

NEW YORK 5PM

After having lunch together, Lori fell sleep again, and Chris decided to go to the store to buy some food. Christmas was a few days away, and he wanted to do something special for Lori and him. And what could be better than dinner for two?

“Hi, honey” greeted his mother on the other side.  

“Ma, I need some help” she sensed the panic on his voice. He had absolutely no idea what to cook on Christmas night, and for the record, he was never good in the kitchen, except for bacon and eggs.  

With his mother on the other side of the phone, he started to pick up the ingredient she was telling him. She was delighted to know that his son was cooking for someone, but Chris was certain she was laughing at the mere picture of him, running cover in sweat, reading the recipe and freaking out.

“You’re having your moment, don’t ya?”

“OH YEAH. I knew this moment will come, when you have to feel my pain”

Chris laughed, making her mom laugh as well.

“Are you sure of this mom?” he asked, frowning his brows, even if his mom couldn’t see him.

“The recipe? She will love it!”

“No. No. I mean, are you sure It’s okay if I spend Christmas here?”

“Is she okay with that?” asked Lisa

“She insists I should go back to Boston. But I don’t want to leave her”

“Why don’t you both come here?”

“I don’t know if she wants to go. You know her story there.”

“Look honey, do what you think is right for her. We’ll be fine here, and I promise I’ll send your gifts.” Those word will stuck in Chris’s head for the rest of his life ‘Do what you think is right for her’

“Send me the recipe first or I’m gonna freak the shit out with this dinner”

“Christopher!”

“Sorry. Love you, ma”

“Love you more, sweetheart”

Everything that happened after Lori and Chris met again was like a roller coaster. Chris decided to stay with her, even if the festivities were around the corner, and Lori didn’t like to see him missing those beautiful times with his family because of her.

A FEW WEEKS AGO

“I don’t want you to stay here” she complained, crossing her arms on her chest.

“And why not?” asked Chris for the thousand time. “I want to stay here”

“But…your family.”

“Pickles, they know I’m with you, and why I’m with you. Don’t worry about that”

“So you’re just gonna spend Christmas here. With me.” She replied with angriness and sarcasm crossing her arms on her chest

“If I have to.” He replied with the same sarcasm and the same gesture, mimicking her.

“You don’t” she attacked

“Am I bothering you? Do you really want me to leave?” Chris was starting to get pissed.

“You’re not bothering me, moron! I just don’t get it. You need to go back to Boston and spend Christmas there…with your family.”

Chris felt a huge urge to scream everything he was feeling in that moment “Then I’m fucking staying. No discussion”

“But…”

“But nothing. Now move your ass. We need to buy some Christmas decorations for your house. This needs some color.”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my house. And don’t avoid this discussion, we’re not finished”

“Yes we are. And yes, your house is a mess. In the Grinchiest possible level.”

“Did you just say GRINCHIEST? What kind of word is that?”

“The word I use to describe your apartment. Your lack of Christmas spirit is ridiculous.”

“Shut up” she rolled her eyes.

“Santa Claus is not coming to town!” He sang, tickling her ribs to make her laugh a little bit. He knew it was hard for her to show some good mood after Michael, but he couldn’t not see her smile.

“Stop! Maybe Santa could bring me some good dreams tho” she said, taking her green coat and purse.

“You’re still dreaming about that beach?” he asked opening the door for her.

“Every night, Chris. And I still can’t reach him” Her voice broke in the last word, when her lips said ‘Him’ and saw Michael walking away in the sand.

Chris took her face giving her a small kiss in the forehead, and pressing his after the kiss. His blue eyes locked in her, and still holding her face, he whispered “You will, I promise you will.”    

NEW YORK- 7PM

His car was full of different things he bought. Food, candies, more Christmas decoration, and a cake. His mother told him to buy something Lori would like, so he went directly to a baking store, and bought a purple cake, with a small flower decoration on top. Although he thought, it didn’t make justice to the cakes Lori bake herself.

As soon as he walked into the apartment, the dogs went to say hello, jumping and barking around him.

“Hey guys! I have something for ya. Lori, I’m home!” he yelled from the hall

With the dogs crying on his feet, he placed all the food on the table. “Lori, what’s wrong with the boys?” he asked, when the dogs didn’t stop crying, running to the door and back to him.

However, Lori never answered. That kind of silence caught Chris’s attention, and went to check on her, if she was still sleeping or working in the computer.

His heart stopped when he opened her bedroom door. Everything there was a mess, as if some kind of hurricane destroyed the place. The sheets flew to the other side of the room. The perfumes, the pictures, her clothes, all of it was in the floor.

The worst scenarios came to his mind in a second.

“Lori!” he screamed making his chest tremble, at the same time he ran to the bathroom to check if she was there.

He yelled her name repeatedly even though he knew she wasn’t there.

That wasn’t Chris calling for his friend. The panic itself was calling for her.  

                                 - CHRIS- Tuesday 7:10 pm

                                 Pickles, I’m back. Where R U?

He typed fast, letting himself know he was feeling terrible about this. In the meantime, he went back to the kitchen, trying to calm down the dogs, and storing things in the fridge. But his attention, even if he wasn’t looking at his phone, was o Lori’s response.

A few minutes went by, and there was no answer from her. He looked at his phone, and put his finger on the bridge of his nose, thinking what else he could do.  

His breathing pace was getting faster as the hours ran on the clock, and his hands were sweaty when he took his phone again.

“Eve, it’s Chris” he spoke and soon as she picked up.

“Hey, what’s up?” the redhead answered.

“Is Lori with you?” his voice was trembling, as if he was about to cry. However, he was fighting to sound as calm as he could be.

“No. I actually send her a text a few hours ago, and she told me she was going to see someone. Why?”  

He didn’t care about her question. “When was that?”  

“At five?” His heart started to beat faster.

That was when Chris left the apartment, and two hours later, she was gone.

“Something’s wrong” 

Those were his last words, before a terrible snow storm broke out in the city, and even a terrible one in Lori’s apartment.  

Thanks so much everyone, you probably forgot about me already, but umm...BOO I’M BACK BTCHES haha! LOVE Y’ALL!! 

And, being serious for a moment, I truly TRULY miss y’all. I had a terrible weeks, with a lot of problems (emotionally speaking). But is really nice to be back, and I hope I can talk with all of you as we used to do it before! I promise, I won’t leave again .(except If you want me to leave, then I’ll pack my stuff and go to leave in a freaking mountain. You'll miss my cookies tho. Just saying)

OH! and yeah, This story is down to 30 chapters. That’s my goal. Let’s see how it goes from now on. 

xx from this part of the world

PLEASE HELP ME TO SPREAD THE WORD ABOUT CLOSER, REBLOG! Thank you!! . 

-L.Barller

TAGS: @evansscruff (miss you) @arelyhb (MISS THE FUCK OUT OF YOU) @always-an-evans-addict @ariallane @writingcreatingstorytelling @toc1985 @shut-it-tinman @djeniiscorner @chris-evans-whaaat @mrsjacksonteller @ya-girl-evanstrash @thequeenofgood @marieeeeechen @angelakii