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theladyregret · 2 years

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I posted 1,105 times in 2022

That's 159 more posts than 2021!

117 posts created (11%)

988 posts reblogged (89%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@rukafais

@elytrians

@merfilly

@dragonmasque

@bumble-b-goode

I tagged 394 of my posts in 2022

#the legend of drizzt - 62 posts

#lol - 42 posts

#dungeons and dragons - 37 posts

#fanfiction - 34 posts

#ao3 - 26 posts

#drizzt - 13 posts

#legend of drizzt - 11 posts

#jander sunstar - 11 posts

#asks - 10 posts

#drizzt do'urden - 9 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#i can accept everything about the rewrite except the idea that he murdered a bunch of innocent folk just because a woman wouldn't love him

My Top Posts in 2022:

Just a little something for Drowcember...and the first time I’ve ever actually drawn this character even though I honestly like him as much as I do Drizzt.

Kimmuriel Oblodra

It also amuses me that despite a lack of official art or significant description most of us have decided he has a ponytail hah

But seriously what are we going to do if we get official art and he doesn’t have one? lol

69 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

Humans as deathworlder space orcs story idea: Humanity makes contact with a highly advanced alien race before we ever even come close to figuring out FTL technology. Instead of trying to kill or enslave us they decide to uplift us. In exchange for access to their advanced technologies humanity agrees to help the aliens in their exploration of other hostile worlds which they have found too dangerous to explore. And also serve as shock troops against other more aggressive aliens. The friend aliens are basically space bees. So many...very intimidating...but ultimately very delicate and peaceful.

81 notes - Posted July 13, 2022

Me trying to convince friends who like farming/crafting games to play Project Zomboid with me: It’s fine. I made it so the zombies are scarce and super easy to kill. If you find one just tell me and I’ll kill them for you. It’ll be fine.

The Zombies two houses down about to ruin everything:

219 notes - Posted July 21, 2022

Wow, I...vastly underestimated how much you guys would vibe with the whole The Walking Dead in Space thing lol ok well...now that I have a day off from work here's some of the ideas I've been thinking about while bored this week.

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Human Diplomat: Hey, is there a reason all the water access areas don't allow humans anymore? Don't you guys know we have high water requirements?

Alien Space Station technician: Oh! No one told you?

Human: Told us what?

Alien: Sorry, they were supposed to tell you. Our apologizes, this must look terrible.

Human: Tell. Us. What?

Alien: Our bio filters detected the disease you all carry in the stations water supply after you visited last. Our scientists ran some tests and found that it can survive almost indefinitely in water and is highly resistant to our water treatments. We had to purge and decontaminate the entire system. We created a separate system for your use that is more isolated. You can use those....I....uh...are you ok? Is this sufficient?

Human, frantically writing in a log book: Oh? Yes, fine...that's fine!

Second human: I think you guys just solved a centuries old mystery for us.

Alien, looking confused: What mystery?

Second human: How our species all became infected so quickly.

Alien: You never found out?

Human: It wiped out 99% of our population during the initial outbreak...the how and why of it kind of stopped mattering after a bit, you know?

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Galactic News Reporter: Tragedy today after the recent excavation of the lost human mining crew in sector 92. Against human recommendations, rescuers continued their efforts throughout the week. The human deceased, commonly referred to as Walkers, attacked and killed several rescue parties before the site had to be bombed by air support military. Diplomats from several species met once again today to discuss the risks of open contact with the Humans and whether stricter protocols need to be put in place.

Video feed cuts to a human diplomat standing in a room full of multiple different aliens: We told you what to do! You didn't listen! You never listen to us! If you had, none of this would have happened!

Alien Politician: You recommended that the tunnels be collapsed before any excavation be conducted prior to the time frame denoted by safety regulations which would have condemned any potential survivors-

Human, hitting the table in front of him with his fists: YOU'RE STILL NOT LISTENING!

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Transport ship pilot over PA system: Our ship is currently on approach to the Human home planet of Terra. Be aware that we will be passing through the debris field left over from the Human Colony Wars which will require us to drop out of FTL. Our ship is specially equipped for this journey so rest assured we are in no danger from the debris. It is recommended that any windows be shielded for the duration of this time, thank you.

Human passenger pulls the shade down for their window with a sigh.

The alien next to them looks curious: Why do the windows need to be covered?

Human: Some people find the...debris...disturbing. *the way they said debris sounded sarcastic*

Alien: ...humans find broken ships disturbing?

Human: You didn't do very much research before coming here did you?

Alien just looks confused.

Human reaches over and opens the window cover. They pass close by one of the wrecked ships and at first it looks like any other debris field...then something moves and they realize it's a body. A human body floating in space. It jerks and twists as they pass by. Mouth opening and closing. The alien jerks back in surprise.

Human: The vacuum of space means they don't decompose so...all those people who didn't die properly...they're just out there...like that. Thousands of soldiers. Ships just full of Walkers.

They pass by another ship. This one looks intact and newer.

See the full post

466 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Sometimes when I’m at work and bored I like to think of how weird/interesting the entire idea of humanity from The Walking Dead universe progressing past the apocalyptic phase and just existing like normal with this infection. Like could you imagine humans from this universe used in a sci-fi setting where they meet aliens?

Just everything about humanity already and OH YEAH if we die for any reason that doesn’t destroy our brains enough our corpses will just keep going and immediately try to eat anything else alive around it because we all carry an inactive form of prion disease that activates upon death.

Aliens: Why are your bunks inside locked cages?

Humans: Oh, one of the early space missions a guy died in his sleep because of an oxygen leak near his bunk and ate everyone before they could wake up so...ya know, tradition.

Aliens: ...o-oh

On the other hand there would likely be common war tactics of kamakazi fighters who could easily weaponize themselves by dying on enemy ships.

I see peaceful relations with aliens being very difficult to maintain honestly lol

Even if we’re not trying to do anything hostile, who wants to risk exposure to something like that?

841 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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soramei · 3 years

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Intentional - Part 6

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader (she/her)

Summary: Landing your first real job at JYPE was something short of a miracle. You were prepared to face the new struggles of this elusive career whilst moving to a new country, however, nothing could have prepared you for him. Will stolen glances, secret touches, and hushed nights spent in the recording room ever be enough for the both of you?

Genre: idol!bang chan au, forbidden relationship, coworkers to eventual lovers, slow burn

Warnings: cursing, eventual smut

Word Count: 3.5k

Masterlist

A/N: hehe my mistake, i forgot to queue up this update and by the time i realized it was too late so i'm posting this a day late ^^

Taglist (reply to be tagged!): @planetdemon @hvunvely @fluffybitch0325 @fashi0nablee @juststop88 @straykisz @theultimaterad @margaritas-en-la-montania @meowtella @xsam1992x

The man froze in his tracks after entering the room and catching you laying on the couch with Bang Chan on top, practically devouring you. He looked scarred, to be frank, as he quickly snapped back to reality and bolted out the door in less than a second. As he made his grand escape, you forcefully pushed Bang Chan off of you. He swore under his breath before tripping out the door, trying to follow the man who had just caught you.

You sat up, head in your hands. This was exactly what you were scared of. What you worried so much about a few nights back. What Bang Chan reassured you of not happening.

You feel panic set in as you thought of the worst case scenario. Yup. You were going to get fired for sure. And the news will go to the public, resulting in Bang Chan also losing his job. You would then have to move back with your parents, and everybody will have the same look of shame and pity whenever they see you.

This wasn’t good. You stood up to make your own inconspicuous escape, but it seemed like Bang Chan beat you to the door.

“That was Jisung,” Bang Chan said. He entered, making sure to lean against the door just in case anybody else wanted to intrude.

The name and the face clicked in your mind. He was part of Stray Kids as well as Bang Chan’s coworker. You recognized him more commonly as Han, as his name has come up in a lot of the work you’ve been sent.

“What did he say?” you asked skeptically. Worry was setting in.

“Don’t worry, he said he wouldn’t tell anybody. I trust him.”

How were you supposed to believe that? You’ve never even spoken to this man in your life, and now you were supposed to put the future of your career in his hands?

“But I don’t, Chan. I’ve never even met this guy in real life before. How can I trust that he won’t tell one of your other group members?” You heard your voice get louder with every word.

“I had a talk with him just now, Y/n, you can trust him. Out of everybody in this company, he’s the least likely to tell just anybody — even one of our members.” He paused, “don’t you trust me, Y/n?”

You were speechless. Your trust in him was completely different from your trust in Jisung, and you were sure he knew that. Obviously you trusted Bang Chan, but you didn’t know the extent that his group members would go to for a secret. Especially one that could have an effect on their careers as well.

“You can’t just ask me that, and you know it,” you sneered. “You know what? It’s my fault. I was too careless. I’ll leave now.”

“Wait, Y/n-”

You didn’t even let him finish before stomping out the door, making sure to check your surroundings for anybody that could catch you before heading back up to your cubicle. You felt the heat of your cheeks the whole elevator ride.

You were on edge for the rest of the day. When Manager Chen asked to see you in her office, you were so startled that you quite literally jumped from your seat. You were sure somebody had informed her of what happened, but it turned out that she just wanted to rearrange the usual Friday meeting.

Because of the filming tomorrow, the project meeting had to be arranged for next week. Which you were fine with, of course, since you did not want to face all your managers in one place after what had just happened.

Throughout the rest of the day, you started to feel more and more guilty for how you reacted at lunch. As your mind cleared, you realized how rash you were with your decision making and how you only thought about yourself. You also thought about how rude it was to talk about Jisung like that, especially in front of Bang Chan — who cared a lot about the boy.

Logging off your email for the day, the thought of Bang Chan still lingered bitterly in your mind. You wished to apologize for your harsh behaviour, so you started to make your way over to his producing room.

However, you hadn’t even made it on the elevator before you were stopped.

“Hey, uhm — you might not recognize me, but I’m the guy from earlier. Han Jisung.”

He was standing politely behind you, hands folded together behind him.

“Hello, I still remember. You know, from earlier,” you awkwardly breathed out a laugh. You didn’t know what to say or why he was here.

“Hyung told me I could find you here and that I should apologize.” He took his hands out from behind him. “He also said that this might help.”

In his hand was a bottle of mango juice. Your heart warmed at the thought of Bang Chan still caring for you, despite you being such a jerk earlier.

“Anyways,” he continued, “I’m sorry for barging in like that and leaving so suddenly. I should’ve knocked or something before coming in, but Chan-hyung is somebody I’m very close to. I would never jeopardize him in any way.”

Hearing him apologize made you realize how little thinking you had done. Jisung regularly worked with Bang Chan, so of course he would just enter the room without knocking.

“Thanks for your apology, but I should be apologizing. I was the one being reckless. You did nothing wrong, Jisung. I trust that you wouldn’t tell anybody of this.”

“Thanks,” he said as the both of you entered the elevator.

The both of you stood in silence for a bit before he started again.

“So, Chan hyung huh.” He raised his eyebrows. “You know, he’s the best looking one out of all of us… after me of course.”

“Oh my god.” You blushed, head in your hands as he kept elbowing you.

“But, Y/n.” He got all serious again. His serious-playful demeanor was giving you whiplash. “You know what you’re doing is dangerous, right? Not only for him, but also for you. I love our fans, but there are some that have taken it too far before. I just want the two of you to be safe.”

“Thanks Jisung,” you started, “for that and for keeping this secret.”

“Of course, any ‘friend’ of Hyung's is a friend of mine.” He winked, causing you to heat up from embarrassment again.

The elevator reached Jisung’s floor, and he got out.

“Oh, also, I think you should call Chan hyung. He’s been pretty down this whole afternoon, and even my natural charisma couldn’t cheer him up.”

You thanked him for the last time before the elevator doors closed, promising him that you would contact Bang Chan.

And you did — as soon as you were alone in the elevator.

One ring. Two rings. A third.

“Hello?” He sounded out of breath.

“Chan?”

“Yes, Y/n?”

Crap, he sounded annoyed.

“Uhm, can we meet up somewhere? I-I wanted to talk to you.”

There was a slight pause.

“I’m at the gym right now. We could meet at the playground by the river in an hour.”

“Ok.” You hung up after that. It was a weird phone call. From his voice alone, you could obviously tell something was bugging him. You knew you were that something.

Grabbing a quick bite at a nearby convenience store, you started your journey to the playground. It wasn’t too far of a walk, but you decided to go earlier since it was already starting to get dark.

You hoped Bang Chan wasn’t in too much of a bad mood, especially after your conversation with Jisung. Honestly, you weren’t too excited to apologize. Not because you didn’t feel bad, but because of his cold and monotone voice through the phone. You didn’t want to admit it — especially because you had just met this man a few weeks ago — but you were scared of his possible rejection. It terrified you.

Breathing into your hands for warmth, you finally saw the playground up ahead. It was near the river, but covered by trees. You now understood why Bang Chan picked this place.

It was empty, as you assumed no child would want to play tag on a cold and dark evening. You sat on a swing, mindlessly swinging up and down whilst staring at the upcoming moon. The sound of crickets chirping combined with the cool autumn breeze almost brought you to serenity, but the thought of confronting Bang Chan grounded you back to earth.

You turned your head at the sound of panting. Bang Chan had jogged here. The ends of his hair were damp with sweat, stuck to his forehead. You wanted to call him crazy, as the only thing he wore was a sleeveless tank top and a pair of shorts on a cold autumn night.

He made his way to the swings.

“Hey,” he said, hopping on to the swing beside you. He was still out of breath from jogging.

“Hey,” you paused for a few seconds to think of what to say. “I wanted to apologize for earlier. I wasn’t thinking. I know you care about your job as well, and it was selfish of me to walk out on you. I’m also sorry for talking about Jisung like that. I met him this afternoon and he seemed like a good guy. And if there’s anything else I missed, I’m sorry for that too.”

You looked up at Bang Chan with puppy eyes, hoping that he would understand. He looked back at you.

“I accept your apology, Y/n. And look, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have been so reckless, especially at the office. I knew that anybody could have walked in, and I was careless. We were lucky this time, but next time we might not be.”

“Next time?” Your eyes brightened.

“Y/n,” he got up, “I’m scared. I’m scared that I feel this way about you after only a few weeks. I’m terrified of losing my job, my coworkers, and friends. But Y/n, I just want you. I’m laying all my cards out on the table. This is how I feel, what about you?”

That was a lot to take in. Your grip tightened on the swing.

“Chan, everything you just said, I feel the same way. Everything about this scares me, but I just want you. Only you.”

You got up and wrapped your arms around him. You felt the cold sweat of his arms against your skin, but you didn’t care. You just wanted to be near him.

He wrapped his arms around you in return, digging his nose into your neck. You felt his damp hair against your skin.

“Chan, you’re all sweaty,” you teased, pushing his head away.

“I don’t care.” His words came out muffled against your neck as he dug his nose further.

“I feel like a kid being in a playground.” You scanned the empty playground, reminiscing on your childhood.

“Would a kid do this?”

Bang Chan, with his fingers on your chin, turned his head to kiss you so deep you thought you were going faint. You returned the kiss, hands gripping hard on to the sides of his tank. It seemed like the two of you were in your own little world.

“You should go. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day,” Bang Chan said after eventually breaking the kiss.

“Mhmm,” you mumbled, trying to stall for time. You knew that the both of you should get going.

Eventually, after quite a while, you left for home. It felt as if a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. A very cute and dimple-y weight.

That evening, you packed all your necessities for the overnight shoot tomorrow, and fell asleep with high hopes for the next day. You were excited to see all your — along with the production team’s — efforts come to fruition.

The next morning, you woke up early and energized. You double checked that everything was ready before heading out to the JYPE building.

Manager Chen had informed you of which van you would be riding in to the set. Although she wasn’t in the vehicle with you, you had the opportunity to chat amongst some other very interesting members in the production crew.

After a few hours of driving, your van — along with the others — arrived. You helped the production crew set up as much as you could, as you were told the boys already started filming their drive to the set. Whilst waiting for the boys to come, you socialized around with both the production crew and Manager Chen.

Soon, after chatting for a bit, you saw the long awaited van pull up to the set. The boys got out, one by one, each holding their own little video cameras.

Bang Chan got out last. He looked amazing, really. With his hair and makeup done and his outfit styled, he was almost like a different person. You’ve never seen him without black on, but this was a surprisingly refreshing look.

It was chaos. With every boy at their peak energy, there was never a boring moment on set. It was clear that everybody — even the quieter ones — had established nice dynamics within the group. You watched them in awe, with Manager Chen telling you the behind happenings every now and then.

You found it so hard to hold in your laughter as the boys attempted to make mooncakes. It reminded you of your childhood; when you used to do the same with your mother.

As Bang Chan read off the script which you helped with, you felt a certain sense of pride in your heart. You smiled at him as he expressed himself to the camera.

It was dinner time for the boys, so that meant dinner for you and the crew as well. You followed the production team to a noodle restaurant. It was a small and cute, grandma-grandpa owned place. The menu, however, was huge.

“Y/n, this is Manager Jung,” Manager Chen said. She directed your gaze to a guy who looked in his late twenties. You instantly recognized him as the manager that drove you home on your first day of work.

“We’ve met before,” he said.

“You have?” Manager Chen was surprised.

“We have, but it’s nice to meet you under better circumstances,” you blushed. You hoped that you didn’t leave too bad of a first impression with him.

“It’s nice to meet you too, I’ve only heard good things about you from Manager Chen,” he said. “Actually, we were just discussing the sleeping arrangements for tonight.”

“Yes, we’ve managed to book a place that has enough rooms for everybody to sleep alone. They’re not the best of rooms, but this was the best we could do with our budget,” Manager Chen said.

“Sounds good to me,” you nodded. You were fully expecting to share a room with five other women.

You had a happy evening, eating and chatting before getting back to work. You watched as the boys carried out every production order to a tee, all the while keeping up their high energy even late into the night.

You helped the production crew with setting up fireworks for their next segment. Even the act of setting up got you excited as you haven’t seen fireworks in so long. Especially in a new country.

The rest of the filming went smooth, with the end slate following the last firework of the evening. You watched as the boys all lined up in a straight line to thank the production and camera crew. Bang Chan’s eyes landed right on yours. You smiled. He smiled back.

The boys were then ushered by Manager Jung into their own hostel, and you followed the crew to your room. The room was lit by a small incandescent light bulb. It was a small room with nothing but a mat for the floor, a small blanket, and a pillow. Though, to be fair, you weren’t expecting much.

You laid out the mat and blanket, washed up, and was about to call it in when you received a text from Bang Chan.

Bang Chan: You looked cute today.

You blushed, not aware that Bang Chan had even seen you during the day. He looked so busy with filming the whole time that you hadn’t even made eye contact. You smiled and returned the text.

Y/n: You too ^^

And with that, you peacefully fell asleep.

You had a tranquil dream; with only clouds, and sunshine, and… Manager Jung?

“Y/n!” he called.

Your dream clone hopped over to him to say hello.

“Y/n!” He called again. He looked worried. “Y/n!”

You suddenly jolted awake.

“Y/n! Hurry, get out!” He was coughing, holding the hem of his shirt up to his face.

You looked at him. His silhouette was clouded by smoke. You looked up.

The light bulb hanging from was burning and emitting a smoke of some kind. You gasped in shock, instantly regretting it as you breathed in a large amount of the smoke.

Manager Jung was already running outside at this point, and you quickly ran after him. Along the way you tried to hold your breath, but with every inhale you took in, a cloud of smoke followed. You coughed and kept running.

It seemed as if you were the last person out, as everybody staying at the hostel had already evacuated. Manager Chen was standing outside, a look of worry on her face.

“Y/n, are you okay?” She ran over to you.

“Yes,” you coughed. You still felt the smoke in your throat. “What happened?”

“The light bulb in your room caught on fire,” Manager Jung intervened. “Manager Chen was still awake when she smelled the smoke, and she evacuated everybody inside. Everybody woke up except you, Y/n.”

“Is everybody else okay?” you asked. You could hear how hoarse your voice sounded.

“Everybody else is alright. For some reason, the fuse shortage was only isolated to your room,” Manager Chen replied.

It was unfortunate that, out of all the rooms, the broken light bulb was in yours. However, you were glad that everybody else was safe. You were also thankful that Manager Jung woke you up in time, leaving you with only a sore throat.

“Hyung!”

You whipped your head to the direction of the voice. Bang Chan was sprinting across the dirt path in your direction. His hair was disheveled and his t-shirt wrinkled. Behind him was Jisung, dashing over so fast that he somehow managed to match Bang Chan’s pace. Jisung threw his hand, catching the back of Bang Chan’s shirt, pulling him back. Jisung then said some incoherent words to Bang Chan, which seemed to have slowed him down. Bang Chan took a couple deep breaths before waiting for his other members and walking over to you and the crew.

“What happened? Is everybody okay?” Bang Chan asked, concerned. He glanced at you before facing Manager Jung again.

“Everybody is fine,” Manager Jung reassured him. “There was a problem with the light bulb in a crew member’s room, but everybody has evacuated now. You and the boys don’t need to worry. Just go back to your rooms as you have a long day tomorrow.”

“Whose room was it?” Bang Chan asked, ignoring everything Manager Jung had just told him.

Manager Jung hesitated before pointing at you. Upon realization, Bang Chan jerked forward, only to be stopped by Jisung again. He gave Bang Chan a look.

“I’m okay,” you coughed out. It was hard to not sound so hoarse when you had just been breathing in smoke for god knows how long.

Bang Chan gave a deadpan look to Manager Jung.

“We have extra rooms where we’re staying, maybe Y/n can stay with us?” he asked.

“That is unnecessary, I will let Y/n use my room and I will stay with you. I’m sure Y/n would be on board,” Manager Jung said. He looked over to you, and you nodded in agreement.

“I guess that would work,” Bang Chan hesitantly said, “but what if this happens again with another room?”

“I’m sure that won’t-”

“Manager Jung!” Manager Chen interrupted, waving her hands whilst running over. “A member of our production crew took a look at the fuse box connected to Y/n’s room, and it seems like somebody tampered with the wires on purpose.”

#stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids smut #bang chan smut #stray kids x reader #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fluff #bang chan scenarios #bang chan imagines #jeongin scenarios #stray kids angst #bang chan angst #skz scenarios #skz imagines #stray kids fanfiction

174 notes · View notes

rawbins-undertale-blog · 3 years

Note

This is a slight TW question, so feel no obligation to answer:

How would horrortale Sans react to an S/O with an eating disorder?

TW for eating disorder(s) (nearly only ARFID is spoken about, anorexia is mentioned)

If I missed any tags you think I should've included, please tell me.

This may sound a bit strange, but I’ve actually been wanting to write something for this, specifically because I suffer from an eating disorder. I’m not comfortable writing anything with an eating disorder (or any disorder in general) I personally don’t have, mostly because I don’t have the time to give it the proper research it deserves, so I’ll be writing about a lesser known eating disorder, that being ARFID. Let me explain it so people who don’t know what it is will, uh, know what it is lol

ARFID - also commonly called “Selective Eating Disorder” - stands for Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. A lot of people with it are characterised as being “picky eaters”, but it goes to a point where it’s seriously unhealthy and crosses a line that makes it into something more serious. It has to do with sensory processing issues, rather than self-image issues (though self-image issues could also play a part in it I'm pretty sure, but it’s not the main “motivation”). Most people with ARFID actually wish they could go up in weight, but can’t because they can’t make themselves eat. I, for one, desperately wish I could just eat like a normal person, both because it’s very… not convenient to only have around 20 or less meals I can eat (and that list is slimming down as I grow tired of my safe foods*) and also I’m skinny enough to match Papyrus in looks, which isn’t very confidence-inspiring when you’re supposed to be a human and not a sentient magical skeleton, believe it or not. Whereas a person without ARFID could eat most things, including things they don’t really enjoy eating, somebody with ARFID might not be physically able to. For example, I literally throw up food that I don’t like (and I’ve gagged while eating food I do like due to seeing somebody eat something I don’t like and/or just smelling other food nearby). When I'm to try a new food, I have on more than one occasion gotten anxiety attacks. That’s how bad it can be.

*a "safe food" is food you know you can eat without panicking/throwing up/getting triggered in one way or another

I’ll be basing these HCs off of myself, so keep that in mind. You’re free to point out misinformation (and I, in fact, encourage you to point it out if I somehow got something wrong) but I ask that you stay respectful and don’t make fun of this. I doubt it would happen, but this topic means a lot to me and is really serious. So yeah please don’t be rude or invalidate people. Anyways onto the headcanons (which aren’t in the usual format, sorry if that bothers you)

Dusk (HT Sans) wouldn’t really understand. He’s able to eat pretty much anything (not like he had much of a choice for a while) and food is important… But he’ll try to understand. Especially because he can accommodate you. He’ll be fine eating the same meals, however “boring” they are, over and over because like I said: not a picky eater. Any food is good in his book. So long as you’re not restricting him and his food intake and so long as you aren’t dying from starvation and/or malnutrition, you’re free to do whatever.

It does annoy him when you go to social gatherings and you can’t eat the food because it’s not one of your safe foods. He’s not going to let you just starve yourself when there’s perfectly fine food just waiting for you. Not gonna lie, he’s pretty insensitive the first time this happens. Basically, he’ll pull you over when he notices you’re not eating anything and try to convince you to eat. Starts out really gentle and encouraging, but when you don’t budge he becomes increasingly agitated and insistent until he hisses that you’re making a fuss over nothing. Needless to say, you aren’t thrilled and it starts a pretty serious argument that probably ends with you either leaving, starting to cry or blowing up at him. He feels bad when it’s all said and done and apologises, because he realises after some thought that he wasn’t being helpful and he decided to do more research again. Even if he forgot it all like he did the first time he tried researching ARFID, it would have been worth a shot. After that, he’ll instead pack food with him for you whenever you go somewhere. It doesn’t matter if it’s “socially acceptable”, because like I said, you’re not starving if he’s got something to do with it.

He’ll also, after coming around to realise the best he can do to help you isn’t trying to push you out of your comfort zone forcefully, try to make sure there’s always at least one of your safe foods available. Don’t get me wrong though, he’ll still encourage you to expand on your list of safe foods. He’s got memory issues so he sometimes forgets, which he feels really bad about, but he has multiple alarms set to make sure you eat properly for the most part. (He’s got an alarm for nearly every minute of the day and he has his calendar full of things as mundane as “make sure s/o eats” and “do laundry”, by the way.) I have a tendency to skip lunch because I simply don’t like food, but he’d put a stop to that lol

To summarize, the whole thing with you having an ED starts off with the two of you having a rocky start before Dusk comes around to be really good at handling it.

Anyways sorry if you meant an ED like anorexia. I know most people write about things like that, but like I said: I’m not really up for writing things that I have to pour hours of research into to make sure I portray it respectfully and accurately because I don’t have that time or patience. (Or attention span, tbh.) Also, I literally hadn’t heard of ARFID for like… the majority of my life, I’ve only known it’s a “thing” for like. A few months. I really thought I was the only one who was so picky with my food and it made me feel alone and isolated (ESPECIALLY after I went to a "specialist" (not sure if she was actually a specialist anymore because her technique to get me to eat was to give my a small glass that I'd pour sauce into to try it every time it was served which obviously didn't work lmao) to help me when I was like six and she said she’d “never seen somebody this bad” before not giving me a diagnosis (as far as I know)), so if anybody with undiagnosed ARFID is reading this:

you're not alone. I know it’s difficult to deal with this - it can be humiliating and embarrassing and horrible and terrible in so many ways - but you can do it. It’s so hard, so fucking hard to step out of your comfort zone and try to expand on your list of safe foods, but you can do it. I believe in you. You aren’t alone and you can learn to have a healthier diet, please just try. I’ll be honest in that you’re probably never going to completely overcome this, ARFID is something that likely stays with you forever, but you can make it into a smaller problem. You can turn it into something so much smaller and inconsequential that you won't encounter any more embarrassing situations where you can't eat what you're given. To a point where you won't have to use the excuses "I already ate", "I'm not hungry", etc anymore. It’ll take time and patience, but you can do it. Don’t give up, okay? <3

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cockroachmotherfucker10 · 4 years

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PRIDEFALL UPDATE: real or fake?

What is Pridefall?

Operation Pridefall, also known as Project Pridefall or simply Pridefall, refers to an attack planned by /pol/ (a political discussion board on the anonymous website 4chan) for all of June, AKA Pride month. The original 4chan thread, which has since been deleted, was primarily focused on “redpilling,” i.e. spreading queerphobic propaganda to make people question the LGBTQ+ community. However, now that it has spread outside 4chan, there are threats of harassing, doxxing, and outing queer people (especially minors) on social media, spamming gore and rape videos in private messages and Pride tags, and even kidnapping, assaulting, or killing queer people in real life.

Specific targets include Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and dating apps. The goal is to go after smaller accounts so the queerphobia isn’t lost in the comments.

Is Pridefall real?

Yes and no.

I searched “pridefall” on 4chan last night. Apparently any new threads on it are being deleted, and anytime someone mentions it, everyone calls them slurs and says no one is doing it.

However, Pridefall is gaining some traction on Instagram--I have seen it for myself. I don’t have TikTok or any dating apps, but I’ve heard that some people are spamming homophobia on TikTok. As for Twitter, I only looked briefly, but I saw some Pridefall accounts there, as well as a lot of warnings and blocklists from people who are worried about it.

I’ve also heard that there have been a few Reddit and Discord raids, and that there is an Operation Pridefall Discord server (someone who spied on them says they have been banned on Discord as well as a platform called Riot before, so very few people are left on the Discord server now).

What do you think, Lia?

This is not coming from 4chan. No one on 4chan is interested anymore.

Most likely, people outside of 4chan heard about it and decided to take matters into their own hands.

The original 4chan thread wanted to make Pridefall “normie-palatable” by avoiding Nazi imagery or other overt unpleasantness, but I have seen a LOT of both on Instagram. This reinforces my belief that 4chan isn’t doing this.

A lot of the people behind this are young, or at least unsophisticated. Most of the Pridefall accounts on Instagram engage in very childish trolling, and one of them said they were a minor. Some of the threats I’ve seen are so outlandish that I can only imagine they came from a fairly young person.

My guess? Most of these people are around 13-19.

There are also very few of them and some of them probably have multiple accounts. Anti-Pridefall accounts outnumber them by far.

However, on Instagram I’ve seen Pridefall accounts following each other and commenting on each other’s posts, so there may be a few groups working together.

A lot of this shit is going to get deleted. I know Instagram is working through reports very slowly right now because they have fewer people available due to COVID-19, but most of the worst accounts I saw last night were deleted by this morning. I saw some more accounts deleted today.

Most, if not all, of these Pridefallers are just trying to scare us. Because they’re probably quite young, there’s very few of them, their accounts keep getting deleted, and law enforcement can track online activity, there is no way they have the balls or resources needed to coordinate major attacks.

There is a very, very slight chance this could spill over into real life, but as long as you practice basic online safety, you will be fine.

That being said, if you are threatened or doxxed by a Pridefall account, PLEASE contact the police. Better safe than sorry.

I do think that the threat of being doxxed or outed is more real than the threat of being attacked. I have already seen one Pridefall account who posted a trans boy’s address on Instagram (he is okay, he posted recently) and another who posted someone else’s address.

There is little chance this will last throughout Pride month. Apparently the goal is for Pridefall to worsen until the end of June, but given that this is most likely just some vastly outnumbered teenage trolls who are bored in quarantine, I seriously doubt they’ll be able to stay interested for a whole month.

This might not be as big on Tumblr. Tumblr is a lot more anonymous than, say, Instagram, which will hopefully deter would-be doxxers. It’s also known to be a highly liberal and queer-friendly site, so any Pridefaller with half a brain cell should know that A) their content is sure to be outnumbered and reported (only us Tumblr users know how bad staff is at deleting questionable stuff), and B) anyone with the original goal of “redpilling” is sure to fail here. Plus, I only remember seeing few, if any, mentions of Tumblr on Pridefall planning threads.

Still, expect to see some Pridefall activity here. Unsurprisingly, not all of these Pridefallers have half a brain cell. Some of them will definitely be unable to resist the lure of a community as openly queer as Tumblr, and we’ve all seen or heard about doxxing, harassment, gore, Nazis, and queerphobes on here. Also, 4chan has historically had some beef with Tumblr, so young teenage boys who idolize 4chan may target us for that reason.

How can I stay safe?

If you have any social media accounts where you A) have posted identifying personal information, and B) are openly supportive of the LGBTQ+ community (especially if you’re queer yourself), put them on private for June. Any other accounts are probably fine to stay public.

If you need a private Tumblr, you can make a password-protected secondary account and only share the password with mutuals you trust.

It is probably okay to be openly queer on a private account (e.g. have pronouns/rainbow emojis in your Instagram bio), since a private account is not likely to be doxxed. But if you want to be extra careful, remove queer identifiers from anything that is publicly visible.

Use Pridefall blocklists. They’re all over Instagram and Twitter. I may repost some here.

Report any Pridefall accounts you see. This is VERY important because this is how we can actually get rid of Pridefall content.

DON’T RESPOND TO ANY PRIDEFALLERS WHO PERSONALLY INTERACT WITH YOU. I know it’s tempting to give a snarky reply, but if they message you, comment on your post, etc, just block them. Seriously, don’t feed the trolls. It's exactly what they want.

Make sure your password game is strong. Use a different password for every site (I know, I know, it sucks), and use passwordmeter.com to test their strength. Write them all down on a piece of paper.

Make sure your username game is strong. Don’t use the same username for multiple sites, and avoid putting personal information in your username, such as your name or birthday.

Do NOT open random links!! Pridefallers could message you links that will give you viruses or track your IP address.

Don’t accept DMs or follows from people you don’t know. Pridefall accounts don’t always look like Pridefall accounts. Some of them are undercover.

Use a VPN. This is probably a little overkill unless you’re particularly at risk of being doxxed, but it will hide your IP address.

Be careful who you interact with. A lot of queer people on Instagram are DMing Pridefall accounts or commenting on their posts, but this could make you a target. As helpful as anti-Pridefall accounts are, you might even be targeted for following those.

Be wary of Pride tags. Unfortunately, a lot of Pridefall accounts plan to infiltrate tags commonly used by queer creators during Pride month. Use discretion when looking for queer content.

Be safe IRL. Lock your doors, lock your windows, be aware of your surroundings, don’t walk alone in poorly lit places, know basic self-defense, etc. Again, I absolutely do not think people will be attacked in real life, but you should be doing this shit all the time, not just in June. Thanks to COVID-19, you’re safer inside anyway!!

Make yourself hard to dox. Even though I have a very unusual first name (it's not really Lia), I am extremely hard to find online. I just went into an incognito browser window and searched my first and last name in quotation marks, but I didn’t find myself until page 4 of Google (and that result wasn’t even posted by me). I’m only half as careful as I could be, but here’s some of the things I do:

-I never use a picture of myself as my profile pic, except for Facebook and Instagram, which are both on the highest privacy settings possible.

-If I post identifying information on a public account (my college, my age, etc), I use a pseudonym or my first name only.

-On Instagram, I only use my first name, and I used special characters to type it, so you won’t find me if you search my name.

-On Facebook, I only accept friend requests from people I know. Most, if not all, of my Instagram followers are IRL friends, friends of IRL friends, and trusted Internet friends.

-If I’m really being paranoid, I’ll make a brand-new email account to sign up for a site. That way, my accounts aren’t all linked through one email address.

-Before I post a picture online, I delete the EXIF data with verexif.com, since EXIF data can hold GPS coordinates.

🌈 Stay safe, everyone.

You will not be harmed. You will be okay. Like cockroaches, we are survivors, and we will get through this!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

-Mod Lia

#mod lia #og post #og post cmf #pridefall #operation pridefall #pride fall #pride #pride month #lgbt #lgbtq #gay #safety #psa #please reblog #pride 2020 #lgbtqia #lgbt pride

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scintillatingshortgirl19 · 3 years

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Loki’s Line About Betraying Everyone

I need to talk about this line (spoiler: I’m not happy about it). I was going to just include this in the full episode response post I’m working on, but it got long enough that I decided to make it its own.

First of all, here’s the full quote: "I betrayed everyone who ever loved me. I betrayed my father, my brother, my home. I know what I did. And I know why I did it. And that's not who I am anymore."

Y'all, I'm less emotional about it now but this line fucked me up when I first heard it. It hit me like a ton of bricks while watching the episode for the first time because I was actually doing fine and wasn't significantly bothered by anything up until that point, and then came that line and I suddenly almost felt physically ill. I actually wrote up a post about it that night but never posted it because it was essentially just a lot of screaming, so I've now taken pieces of that and formed a hopefully more coherent post (though it still contains a good amount of screaming). So, I get that the idea that Loki’s betrayed Thor over and over is a Commonly Accepted Thing. It's really a lot more complicated than that, and there are a lot of gray areas involved, but fine, I'll give them that one. But - when did Loki betray his father? When did Loki betray his home?? I’m not just mad about it, this is...a legitimate question. I mean with the father thing, I guess the only thing could be the nursing home in Ragnarok/taking the throne from him? Which is irrelevant anyway because this Loki didn’t do that and doesn't even know it happened in the main timeline?? And besides, it PALES, like, hilariously, in comparison to any one of multiple things Odin did to him before that (not counting any fanon here - just the canon things that we know of!) I am just so confused, especially about the betraying Asgard thing. WHEN? LITERALLY WHEN? Guys, there is no film in which that took place.

If I trusted the narrative, I would say the most logical thing to conclude - at least about the betraying Asgard part - is that this is a setup for Loki to later realize he actually saved Asgard by causing Ragnarok (because that's the closest thing I can think of to "betraying his home"), which could even tie into something about, idk, helping him realize he’s capable of being a hero? (or something) and it would be a good follow-up to the moment he found out about Ragnarok in episode 2, but...fuck, the way these lines were framed it really doesn't feel like anything like that is going to happen. I could be wrong, but these just didn't strike me as lines that are at any point going to be contradicted or even revisited.

And moving onto another part of the quote - "I know why I did it." Uh, I guess good for Loki for apparently knowing that...but the audience sure doesn't?? This is something we're just now being told and have not been shown at all?? I have a feeling Loki thinks he knows why but it unfortunately doesn't have anything to do with some of the biggest actual reasons, which are the abuses done to him that helped make him who he is. Even more unfortunately, I also have a feeling the creators are on roughly the same page as Loki here. So yeah, that's a real shame.

The core problem here seems to be where the writers are coming from, and @iamanartichoke worded it really well here, so I’m just going to quote her: “either the writing is being lazy by oversimplifying Loki’s motives, or it’s being deliberately misleading in order to retcon the character, or the writers genuinely believe that’s what happened, which implies a misunderstanding of Loki’s character kinda from the get-go - at least on what drives his villainy and what fuels his anger, which are pretty significant things.” I do think there’s a slight chance they were using Loki as an unreliable narrator here and the audience was supposed to pick up on the subtext (more on that at the end of this post), but I doubt it, and I think it’s very likely one or more of the options listed in the quote.

Honestly, I can explain Loki's line about betrayal (and his general lack of acknowledgement of his own trauma/legit grievances against his family) pretty easily in-universe. It makes sense that Loki himself would frame things as him betraying everyone who's ever loved him as if they never did anything to wrong him first, or that he would try to ignore what Thanos did to him in favor of putting all the blame on himself (coping with his trauma and loss of control by denying it). Or hell, maybe he would even straight up subconsciously invent a betrayal that never even happened, like the one about his home. I can totally understand Loki seeing the events of his life that way! That all lines up with his complete lack of self-worth, and to have him 1) recognize his mistakes and take responsibility for them (which has happened at this point in the show), but then progress on to 2) realize he isn't solely to blame for literally everything, and 3) recognize the role of his family and others in understanding why he is the way he is - that would be a very satisfying arc and is the natural direction that the story should take in episode 6. The problem is, I don't think the show is going that way. I think we're either supposed to take it at face value that Loki did in fact betray everybody who ever loved him (as if Loki is a reliable narrator when he's most certainly an unreliable one), or the audience is supposed to figure out that Loki's an unreliable narrator here - but the latter won't work, because the creators have to follow through on that subtext at some point and actually do something to indicate that what Loki said wasn't 100% true, and it doesn't feel like they're going to. You can't expect your audience to put any weight on subtext or even pick up on it in the first place if you never actually confirm anything, and your audience won't know your narrator is unreliable unless you tell them. If Loki being an unreliable narrator in that specific moment was their intention, only a small subset of fans are going to pick up on it. So the way they're framing it so far, the audience is simply going to see it the same way Loki does and not realize it's incorrect.

Unfortunately, as stated earlier, I think the most likely explanation is that the writers either don’t understand Loki, are being lazy, or are deliberately retconning. So while I take a degree of comfort in the in-universe explanation, it’s pretty damn infuriating to consider where the writer’s minds were probably at in reality, and how this set of lines is presenting Loki to the casual audience.

Tagging @iamanartichoke and @delyth88 if you guys have any thoughts?

#loki series negativity #loki spoilers #loki tv series #loki meta #loki series speculation #kind of #journey into mystery

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carewyncromwell · 4 years

Photo

*sings* Cinderella...you’re as lovely as your name, Cinderella~...

Okay, some quick notes before we start. Despite the beauty of their work, painters’ palettes were actually rather limited on pigments during the Renaissance, only having three pigments more than artists did during the Middle Ages. The Moly is a magical plant that appears in Homer’s The Odyssey. Hermes gives it to Odysseus as a charm to protect him from Circe’s spells. It’s been most commonly compared to the snowdrop flower by scholars. It also is referenced in the canon Potterverse as a powerful herb that can counter enchantments.

The Willow Song appears as a motif at the end of William Shakespeare’s Othello, though it was written at least thirty years earlier. In Othello, Desdemona sings a few stanzas of it in response to her husband’s growing distance and madness -- to the audience watching the play in Shakespeare’s day, which would already know the song, its inclusion foreshadows Othello and Desdemona’s tragic ending. “No One is Alone” is from Stephen Sondheim’s well-regarded musical Into the Woods, which features Cinderella as a semi-major character -- the song is actually even partially sung by Cinderella in the show!

I edited the art for this section, as you can tell. Badeea’s painting is a modified photograph of the Chateau de Chambord in France, overlaid on top of my own drawing. (Thanks, Lunapic!) This is also my very first time drawing Badeea!! GOD, is she pretty!! I think her eyes are my favorite of all the HPHM cast.

Previous part is here -- whole tag is here -- Katriona “KC” Cassiopeia belongs to @kc-needs-coffee -- and I hope you enjoy!

x~x~x~x

When Carewyn followed up with Andre the next morning, he was quite disappointed when he saw Carewyn wasn’t wearing the new shoes he’d made for her with her uniform. He honestly hadn’t even considered that they wouldn’t be comfortable for walking in -- and honestly, Carewyn could sort of understand why. Andre had never been able to leave the palace grounds, so there no doubt were a lot of practical things he’d just never considered...such as how very flashy royal fashion was, compared to that of the common man. He was pleased with the feedback Carewyn “passed along from her cousins” for him, though -- completely unaware of the fact that all three comments were really opinions that Carewyn herself had had about the dress.

“Hmm...that is a good point,” said Andre, his hand resting on his chin. “Red is a beautiful color...but a deep blue would not only bring out your eyes, but it would also perfectly contrast your ginger hair, since blue and orange are on opposite sides of the color wheel...”

His face burst into a bright white smile. “Your cousin Iris really has an eye for colors.”

Carewyn successfully fought back a groan, even as her eyes drifted up off toward the top corner of the room.

“...Well, she has taken up embroidery as a hobby. I suppose when one spends a lot of time doing samplers, one could develop an eye for colors.”

And also create a lot of initialed handkerchiefs to conveniently drop in front of noblemen so they pick it up and return it to you.

Andre, however, reacted with some interest. “Is that so? Hmm...well, maybe when I’m working on your new pair of shoes, I could invite her over for tea so she can give me her second opinion before I give them to you.”

Carewyn had never disliked a thought more in her life that Iris having a say in what she wore -- but knowing that she shouldn’t be the one to sabotage Iris, especially when her cousin would no doubt be able to do it well enough on her own, she put on her best smile.

“...I’m sure Iris would enjoy that very much.”

Sure enough, within a week, Iris had been invited to the palace for tea with the Prince. Carewyn could only imagine how thrilled Iris, her aunt Claire, and Charles were. As for Carewyn herself, she knew it was now time to do as Charles said and stay out of Iris’s way...and so when Iris arrived, she made sure to clean the rooms in her wing of the palace in a different order and not sing so that Andre wouldn’t be able to “check in” on her with Iris in tow. She didn’t think she could stand it if Iris got to look down at her polishing the palace floors.

Her lack of singing, however, did catch Badeea’s attention. When Carewyn collided with the court painter in the hallway, she expressed some concern.

“I missed your accompaniment, while I was painting,” she said. “Is everything all right?”

Carewyn felt guilty as she leaned her broom against the wall for a moment. “Oh...yes, Badeea, I’m fine. I merely...well, my cousin Iris is spending time with the Prince today, so I thought to...well, not draw focus.”

Badeea nodded in understanding. “Mm, yes...some things are meant to be background details, while others are meant to catch the eye straight away.”

Carewyn and Badeea caught the sound of Iris’s twittering, bird-like laughter echoing down the hall toward them. Not wanting to be seen when or if Iris and Andre came out into the hall themselves, Carewyn quickly picked up her broom and went around the corner -- Badeea adjusted her easel under her arm and followed.

“Say, Carewyn,” said the court painter thoughtfully, “why don’t you dress up in that nice yellow and green dress you have and come to the market with me?”

Carewyn blinked.

“I need to pick up some more carbon black and indigo for this painting I’m working on for Andre, but the man who sells those paints loves to price gauge. If you were dressed up all fancy and you slid in a reference to your family, though, he might be less likely to try to rip you off,” Badeea added with a tiny, coy smile.

Carewyn frowned, feeling a bit unsure. “I don’t know, Badeea -- I still have a lot of work to do...”

“You have the whole rest of the day to finish,” Badeea reminded her. “It would only take maybe an hour or two. And it would get you out of the palace while your cousin’s here.”

Carewyn considered the matter. Truthfully she’d been hoping to finish her work quickly so she could stow away back to the library and scan more troop deployment records...but she really did hate the thought of bumping into Andre and Iris, not just because of how much Iris would hate Carewyn getting any attention and therefore delight in tormenting her in front of the Prince in order to puff herself up, but because she didn’t want to provoke Charles’s ire unnecessarily.

“All right,” she said. “I’ll go change.”

Not long later, Carewyn had put on her mother’s old dress, pinned her hair up, and joined Badeea by the front gates, and the two headed into town on foot. The sky was still rather gray -- it had been raining and thundering for the last couple of days, and there was still a lot of mud in places. Carewyn was glad she was wearing her worn brown shoes under her gown rather than the pretty heels Andre had made for her -- particularly since nobody would likely be looking at her feet.

The shopkeeper in question was indeed a bit intimidated when Carewyn offhandedly referred to “her grandfather, Charles Cromwell” -- and soon enough, Badeea had been able to skip most of the haggling she would’ve normally had to make just to get her paints at a decent price. They left the shopkeeper’s stall, several jars of paint in hand.

As fate would have it, as they walked at the market, someone else was also shopping, and at the sight of the familiar dress and mane of ginger hair, he ran up to meet them.

“Carewyn!”

Carewyn and Badeea both looked up, to see Orion striding up to them. He once again wore his slightly-too-clean, but modest white shirt, olive breeches, and boots, and he was carried a basket full of henbane.

Carewyn’s red lips spread into a smile. “Orion...hello.”

Orion brought a hand up to his chest and offered her a short bow.

“It seems the stars favor us after all, my lady,” he said, the corners of his own lips kissed with traces of a wry smile.

Carewyn shot a quick glance at his basket and quirked an eyebrow.

“Purchasing some more incense?” she asked pointedly.

Orion’s black eyes sparkled. “I’m afraid we’ve already used up what I bought previously. Fortunately the gentleman from last time remembered my face and didn’t give me too much grief.”

“That’s fortunate.”

Carewyn glanced at Badeea to Orion and back.

“Orion, this is Badeea Ali -- she’s the Crown’s court painter. Badeea...this is Orion Freeman. He helped me retrieve my horse the other day.”

Badeea’s dark brown eyes were very bright. “Ah, yes -- KC had said that you were thrown off your horse. Thank you for helping Carewyn, sir,” she added to Orion.

“It was my pleasure,” said Orion. “What’s the subject of your next piece, if I may ask?”

“A foreboding sky and a distorted reflection,” Badeea replied.

Orion looked intrigued. “That would explain such dark shades. Who commissioned the piece?”

“The Prince,” said Badeea. “But his request was just of a view of the entire palace, from a distance -- I was simply inspired by the rainstorm that passed through a few days ago, and how the turrets of the palace looked reflected in the castle moat.”

“I wonder how the castle of Royaume would see itself, if it had eyes,” said Orion levelly. “Would it see its beauty, or would it be the type to be critical of its flaws?”

“Hm...or would it see the beauty of its flaws?” asked Badeea.

“True,” granted Orion. “Flaws make us more human -- would that make something more beautiful, by serving as contrast to our strengths?”

“Flaws aren’t something you should simply have to accept,” said Carewyn demurely, her arms crossed. “One should strive to be better than one already is. Even if one is only human, that doesn’t mean they can’t work to be something better.”

Orion turned to her, interested. “And what would be better than being oneself, my lady?”

“Being a better version of oneself, of course,” Carewyn said, sounding matter-of-fact. “One can always be kinder, braver, stronger...more cunning, more passionate. One can always learn more, and do more, and be more.”

“Yes...but it seems like those could be crippling expectations to hold over yourself, to never be enough,” said Orion, and although his expression was very inscrutable, his lips twitched with something of a frown.

“Perfectionism is a disease that affects every artist sooner or later,” said Badeea sympathetically.

Her dark eyes flitted from Orion to Carewyn thoughtfully.

“I must be getting back to work on my painting...would you like to join us at the opposite bank, Mr. Freeman? I would be happy for some feedback on my work, before I present it to his Highness.”

Orion glanced at Carewyn for her approval -- she offered a small smile, and his lips turned up in a full smile of his own.

“I would be honored.”

So the three set about finding a less muddy spot by the castle moat, across from the palace. They found one right by a beautiful willow tree, where Carewyn very carefully lowered herself onto the grass. Badeea fetched her easel and chair, setting it up so that she had a good view of the castle. Orion looked over her incomplete work appreciatively.

“It looks like it could breathe, were it a living thing.”

“Thank you,” said Badeea. “Now then, I’ll need to concentrate while mapping out the sky, so no initiating conversation, please. These paints stay on fabric just as well as my canvas, so they won’t easily wash out. I would appreciate some accompaniment, though, Carewyn.”

Orion glanced at Carewyn curiously. Carewyn avoided his eye.

“Badeea, I don’t think -- ”

“Ah, ah,” said Badeea, holding up a gloved finger quickly, “no conversation. Accompaniment or nothing, please.”

She then set about mixing certain shades and color spotting sections of canvas.

Carewyn frowned. It was one thing to be singing while she was working herself, to pass the time, but Orion’s focus was still largely on her, and it felt weird. Still, she thought to herself, it wasn’t like she was bashful about singing in front of others, exactly -- she knew her voice was more than serviceable. There was really no harm in it. So, glancing up at the willow tree above her head, Carewyn rested her hands in the grass, leaned back, and sang.

“The poor soul sat sighing by a sycamore tree --

Sing willow, willow, willow...willow...

Her hand in her bosom, her head on her knee --

Oh willow, willow, willow...willow...

She sighed in her singing and made a great moan --

Sing willow, willow, willow...willow...

‘I’m dead to all pleasure -- my true love is gone --

Oh willow, willow, willow...shall be my garland...’”

Carewyn felt Orion’s dark eyes on her at the start. Before long, though, his eyes had fluttered closed, and he sat in perfect silence. As he listened, his shoulders loosened and his expression seemed to clear of all tension or pretense, like a child peacefully falling off to sleep. Badeea painted and shaded to the sound of Carewyn’s low, melancholy singing, adding white highlights to the dark gray and black shadows to create a cloudy sky with sunlight poking through.

When Carewyn was finished with the song, Orion slowly opened his eyes, meeting her gaze again at last. His eyes were oddly hesitant, almost shy.

“Y -- ”

He hesitated. Then, his black eyes softening handsomely, he closed his mouth, and it slowly spread into a smile gentler and warmer than Carewyn had ever seen before. He clearly approved.

Carewyn smiled in return and inclined her head in a silent “thank you.”

Carewyn sang some more songs until Badeea had finally finished and Orion and the two women had to part ways so that Badeea and Carewyn could pack up the easel and finished painting and bring them inside.

The following morning, Carewyn was surprised by KC pulling her aside to hand her a packet of what looked like handwritten sheet music.

“Your friend Orion stopped by a little while ago to give this to you,” she explained.

Carewyn was taken aback.

“I reckon he must’ve hopped over the wall,” said KC, unable to fight back a laugh. “I caught him strolling through the southwest gardens. I told him I’d bring it up to you, so that he wouldn’t get himself in trouble.”

Stunned, Carewyn looked down at the sheet music, shifting the pages so she could scan each line. Her blue eyes softened, growing deeper and darker with emotion, as she read the words and notes.

“...This...this is beautiful,” she whispered. She looked up at KC, unable to fully keep the awe from her face. “...You don’t think he wrote this?”

KC shook her head. “No, he said it was a song he learned when he was young, and that he tracked down the sheet music for you since he didn’t think he’d be able to properly sing it for you. I’ve never heard it either, though.”

Carewyn spent her meal times and about an hour before bed that night perusing the sheet music so she could learn the song. The following day, she felt confident enough to sing some of it while she started about cleaning the Queen’s Chambers.

“Mother isn’t here now...who knows what she’d say?

Nothing’s quite so clear now...feel you’ve lost your way?

You decide alone...but no one is alone.

You move just a finger, say the slightest word --

Something’s bound to linger...be heard...

No one acts alone...careful -- no one is alone...

People make mistakes -- fathers, mothers --

People make mistakes,

Holding to their own...thinking they’re alone...

Honor the mistakes everybody makes, one another’s terrible mistakes...

They could still be right -- they could still be good.

You decide what’s right -- you decide what’s good.

Just remember...”

“Carewyn!”

Carewyn stopped sweeping and looked up, to see Andre striding through the opened door of the Queen’s Chambers toward her.

“An -- your Highness,” Carewyn corrected herself very quickly, after noting who’d accompanied Andre.

Just behind him in the door frame was her dark-haired cousin Iris, dressed in her best rose velvet and her own almond-shaped blue eyes narrowed with loathing at Carewyn over Andre’s shoulder.

Andre, perfectly oblivious to the silent tension between the two cousins, gave a laugh.

“Oh, Carewyn, we’re not back to that again, are we? It’s ‘Andre,’ ” he said with an indulgent smile. “I haven’t heard that song before -- did you learn it recently?”

“Ah...yes,” said Carewyn. She could feel Iris’s fierce glare burning a hole in her face over Andre’s shoulder even without looking at either of them.

“It’s really quite lovely,” said Andre. “Please, do sing the rest of it when you’re able.”

“Of course, Prince Henri.”

Carewyn was absolutely not going to call Andre by his nickname in front of Iris -- she knew how Iris would shriek her head off about it to Charles.

Andre sighed and shook his head in something like tired amusement.

“I was hoping we’d catch you on your rounds,” he said conversationally. “I’m just about finished with your new shoes! Iris said your favorite color was ash gray -- I’ve never really worked with that color before, so it’ll be a bit of a challenge -- but I’m sure I’ll find a shade that might suit you...”

Ash gray? Running with the ‘Cinderwyn’ nickname, then, are we, Iris?

Carewyn forced a smile. “...Thank you. That’s...very kind.”

Feeling more uncomfortable by the minute, she quickly rushed over to pick up her full dust pan with her other hand.

“Forgive me, I really should go and empty this -- ”

At that exact moment, Iris had strode forward, bumping Carewyn’s shoulder in just such a way that the pan was knocked backward onto Carewyn, covering her, her orange and tan dress, and the floor with all of the dust, dirt, and grime she’d swept up over the last hour.

“Oh!” said Iris in feigned surprise. “I’m so sorry.”

Her gaze, however, was just as hard and unapologetic as it had been when she’d ripped the sleeve off Carewyn’s dress at home.

“Carewyn!” said Andre, concerned. “Are you all right?”

Carewyn coughed.

“...Yes, of course,” she said, her voice very hard and stoic in the back of her throat. “It was merely an accident.”

She shot Iris a cold look as she looked over her now thoroughly ruined uniform and the dust and dirt all around her feet.

“Please, go on ahead with Iris, your Highness. I’ll clean up this mess.”

Once Iris had successfully steered the reluctant-looking Andre out of the room, Carewyn closed the door, took off her dress, and finished cleaning the room in her undergarments, so as not to spread the dust and ash around any further. Then, very carefully, she darted across the hall from the Queen’s Chambers to Andre’s, so that she could fetch the high-necked, gold-embroidered dress made out of white linen and light blue velvet he’d recently finished for her from his walk-in closet. After all, she told herself, she needed something to wear while she was getting her uniform cleaned -- and well, at least Iris would be less likely to ruin this dress, since Andre had stitched it himself.

Holding her dusty, ashen dress in a folded pile against her chest, Carewyn headed downstairs toward the laundry. On her way through the entrance hall, though, KC -- who’d just come out of the library -- ran up to walk alongside her down the hall.

“Seems your friend is back.”

Carewyn’s messy ponytail flapped over her shoulder when she looked at her in surprise. “Orion?”

KC nodded, her lips curled up in a wry smile. “I thought I saw someone hopping over the wall through the library window, just now. Shall we go investigate?”

Carewyn bit her lip, looking down at the ruined uniform in her arms.

“Let me drop this off at the laundry first,” she said. “I’ll be right back.”

Carewyn ran down the stairs and threw her uniform into one of the tubs to soak, before quickly doing her hair up in a simple, but slightly more presentable braided bun and hurrying back up to join KC. The two women then headed out to the gardens, only to hear something of a scuffle.

“A man with innocent intentions does not hop over castle walls,” said Bill’s voice, though it sounded much lower and harder than Carewyn was used to hearing.

“In this case, sir, I assure you, I do.”

“You will declare your true name and business at once, sir, or I shall see to it that you’re locked in irons and hauled before the King himself -- ”

“Bill!” cried Carewyn.

Bill looked up, startled. The ginger-haired castle guard had slammed Orion back-first against a tree, holding him up off the ground by his collar with one hand, but at the sight of Carewyn and KC running forward, the suspicion and righteous anger in his face dissipated instantly.

“It’s all right, Bill,” Carewyn reassured him. “He’s a friend.”

“Put him down,” said KC.

Bill looked from KC to Carewyn in confusion, before glancing at Orion warily, but he nonetheless did as they said. Once he’d lowered Orion to the ground and let go of his shirt, the dark-haired man calmly adjusted his collar and picked up a satchel that must’ve come off in the struggle off the ground.

“Thank you, Carewyn...Lady Katriona,” he said pleasantly, as if he had not just been in a loose choke hold.

KC grimaced. “Orion, I’ve saved your butt twice now -- we’ve more than gotten to the point of you calling me KC.”

Orion smiled wryly. “I’m glad of it.”

Carewyn, however, still looked a bit harried. “Orion, what were you thinking? Hopping the wall...it’s no wonder Bill thought you were up to no good!”

“Well, the gate was locked, and no one was there to greet me,” said Orion airily.

“Well, of course the palace of Royaume has very strong security,” Carewyn said exasperatedly, “the royal family lives here.”

“I must wonder how the royal family ever receives visitors, then.”

“They don’t,” said Bill rather coolly. “They invite them, and very rarely, at that. And they clearly didn’t invite you to trespass on the grounds.”

Orion was unfazed. “Well, fortunately, I wasn’t looking for such an invitation, to begin with. I merely wanted to give this to Carewyn, as a gift for Madam Ali.”

He reached into his satchel and pulled out a jar of unusually shiny silvery-white paint. Bill, KC and Carewyn’s eyes all were very wide as Orion handed the jar to Carewyn.

“I asked a few people where best to locate materials for paints,” he explained. “One man pointed me to a flower that grows at the border called the Moly. He made this paint himself. I don’t think any colors like this are made and sold at the market, so I thought I would bring along one of his jars for Madam Ali, so she might use it for her next project.”

Carewyn’s light blue eyes were very bright and touched as she looked up at Orion.

“Orion...it’s wonderful,” she said, her soft voice incredibly warm. “Badeea will love it.”

“You said he used the Moly?” asked KC, as she took the jar from Carewyn and looked at it. “Maybe Badeea could mix up some more paint of her own, then.”

Bill glanced at Orion with a raised eyebrow. “Or the Crown could simply buy it from the vendor who sold you that paint.”

Carewyn noticed a strange, almost skittish glint flicker through Orion’s eye.

“...I’m afraid that jar was a favor, not a purchase,” he said softly.

“I think Badeea would be fine with making her own, Bill,” Carewyn said firmly. “The Crown wouldn’t want to set aside extra money for materials anyway. It’d be a lot cheaper to make a paint like that in house than to buy it from someone else.”

Despite his frown, Bill nonetheless sighed and nodded. “...True. Charlie’s needed a new set of scratch awls for ages.”

Orion looked pleased. “I’m glad I could be of assistance.”

“Perhaps the next time you want to see Carewyn, you might figure out a way to do it that doesn’t require you scaling walls like a prowler,” said KC amusedly.

Carewyn shot KC a slightly reproachful look. Orion’s muted smile rather resembled that of a satisfied house cat.

“I’d be happy to arrange more regular meetings outside the palace, if Lady Cromwell would be open to it,” he said, his black eyes sparkling as he glanced at Carewyn.

Carewyn raised her eyebrows coolly at him. “Once again, Mr. Freeman, you seem to have an unusual amount of freedom, if you’re able to consider allocating time just to meet me.”

Her lips then spread in a wry smile.

“Still...I can hardly sit by and let you get arrested for trespassing on my account. I have some time available late tomorrow morning, before noon. I could meet you by the gate then.”

Orion grinned. “I’ll look forward to it, my lady.”

#hphm #hogwarts mystery #cinderella au #my art #my writing #carewyn cromwell #orion amari #katriona cassiopeia #andre egwu #bill weasley #badeea ali #orion you sneaksy bugger #definitely manipulating things to 'learn more about your enemy' and warm them up to you #so as to make connections you could use to do diplomacy later when the ruse is up #but at the same time...you sure are oddly comfortable with putting yourself in risky positions to interact with carey-bear ain't you >3 #iris's face claim is a brown-haired devore ledridge #I'll probably be drawing her at some point with andre -- GOD do I feel bad for this guy #as naive as he is about the cromwell family dynamic I think he already prefers carewyn's company to iris's #but honestly who wouldn't *snorts*

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anxious-logic · 4 years

Text

Getting to Know You

@tsshipmonth2020 (I hope it’s okay that I tag you even though September is over!!)

Day 23 - At a certain age you switch bodies with your soulmate for 24 hours.

Ship: Romantic Analogicality (platonic Prinxiety hijacked it)

Warnings: Don’t think there are any.

Word count: 1919 (better than 2020 amirite)

Summary: When Virgil woke up on the day of his eighteenth birthday, he wasn’t sure what to expect, but it definitely wasn’t to find another person in bed with him.

(He’s very glad to realize that it’s just a dog.)

When Virgil woke up on the day of his eighteenth birthday, he (they? No, he right now) wasn’t sure what to expect.

He’d written out a detailed schedule of what his day was like – no meetups with friends, a very small birthday celebration with immediate family (that his possible soulmate could opt out of, if they wanted). If he didn’t switch with a soulmate, he’d probably text some of his friends and spend some time with them, but he didn’t want to overwhelm his soulmate by having too many social events in a body and possibly town that they weren’t familiar with.

So when he woke up on his birthday, the first thing he registered was that he wasn’t alone in bed.

He stiffened – who was in bed with him? Why? Did he switch with his soulmate? Would Virgil have to have a very uncomfortable conversation with the person next to him?

Suddenly, he felt something cold and wet bump his face. He opened his eyes to come very close to a dog’s nose. He relaxed as the weight in his bed shifted as the large brown dog excitedly licked his face, putting its front paws on top of his chest.

“Hi,” he said, an unfamiliar smile spreading across his face. “What’s your name, huh? How are you?” He was a little startled by the voice coming out of his mouth, forgetting that he wasn’t in his normal body.

He was startled by an alarm going off on his phone. It was some peppy music – something pop, maybe? Virgil wasn’t really sure. He picked up the phone to turn off the alarm, interested in learning more about his soulmate. He felt vaguely guilty about going through another person’s things without their permission, but it was a commonly known thing that once you turned eighteen you had to be ready to switch at any time; you had to accept that someone else would see into your life and essentially be you for a day. It was probably okay that he was looking at his soulmate’s lock screen.

His soulmate’s lock screen was a picture of kittens and puppies piled on top of each other, sleeping. Virgil couldn’t help the tiny smile that spread across his face when he saw the picture. It was cute – a little bit cliché, maybe, but cute.

He was startled out of his thoughts by someone knocking on the door. “Pat?” a voice asked as Virgil sat up ramrod straight, startled. “You okay? Normally you’ve fed Rosie by now.”

Virgil opened his mouth to respond and paused. He wasn’t sure exactly how much this person knew about Patton, or how close they were; maybe they were a total stranger or something.

Then Virgil thought about what the other person had said. If Pat and this other person were complete strangers, the other person probably wouldn’t be commenting on Pat’s daily routine.

“Uh- this isn’t Pat,” Virgil called, hoping the sound would be heard through the door.

“What?”

There was a pause, then a high-pitched squeal.

“Oh my god, you’re his soulmate!!”

Virgil got up and self-consciously opened the door, the phone in his hand. “Yeah. Um- do you know the passcode to his phone? I want to text myself and get to know him.”

The other person was wearing a white t-shirt and red pajama shorts. They were beaming, rocking back and forth on their toes. “Give it here,” they demanded, grabbing the phone out of Virgil’s hand. They quickly tapped the screen, unlocking the phone and opening the messaging app. “Here you go,” they said, handing the phone back. Virgil took it, absently putting a hand on the door to close it. “My name’s Roman,” they said, interrupting Virgil in the middle of thinking about what his first text to his soulmate would be. “He/him pronouns. I’m Patton’s brother, and roommate.”

“Virgil, he right now, I guess his soulmate,” Virgil murmured back distractedly, chewing the inside of his cheek.

“I see that your attention is divided at the moment. I can take care of Rosie for now, and we can talk more later.”

“Yeah,” Virgil said, looking up as he closed the door slightly. “Thanks.” It wasn’t that he didn’t like Roman; he was just very energetic and too happy for how early in the morning it was.

Virgil toyed with the phone case as he debated what to send. It was a light blue rubbery material, with little ears and paws to make it look like an owl. It matched the rest of Patton’s room – in varying shades of blue, with lots of light, fluffy pillows on the floor around the bed. There were lots of pictures around the room, and a few happy quotes taped to the walls.

He looked down to the app, tapping his phone number into the “New Message” box.

Hi Patton, this is Virgil, your soulmate.

He sent it off, then put the phone down, being careful that the screen didn’t turn off. Was that okay? What if it came off too strong? What if his soulmate hated him and didn’t want a soulmate at all and was angry that he had to be in another person’s body for a day and now Virgil was saying that he needed a soulmate and-

His panicked thoughts were cut off by the phone buzzing as a new message came in.

This is interesting, as I am not Patton and this is not my phone number. I am, however, messaging with another person named Patton, who is currently in my body.

Virgil’s breath caught as he read the message. If he was in Patton’s body… and Patton was in another person’s body… and this other person was in his body…

It must be a three-way soulbond. That was the only explanation.

Okay.

We must be in a three-way bond. Can you put us all in a group chat so we can all get to know each other maybe? No pressure or anything but I think it might be nice?

Hopefully that wasn’t too overbearing or demanding. He absentmindedly bit his thumb, noting on some level that Patton was wearing nail polish. He tried his hardest not to mess up the lilac color while still getting out some of his nervousness.

Of course. One moment.

Virgil took a deep breath, relaxing back into the wall as he pulled his legs up onto the bed with him. He waited for the group text to come through.

Patton, this is a group chat with Virgil, who is currently in your body.

The phone next to him dinged as the person in Virgil’s body sent a message to the chat.

Hi Virgil!! This is Patton, I use he/him pronouns!!

Virgil smiled slightly. I use he or they. He right now but that might change.

There was a brief pause, then another message came through.

My name is Logan. I am currently exploring different pronouns, but he/him is sufficient for the moment.

Virgil bit his lip, fingers quickly tapping at the keyboard. Let me know if you ever want to talk or want help with that, I’ve been there and it’s not too fun.

Thank you. I appreciate the offer.

Virgil smiled slightly as he read the next text – from Patton, this time. I’ve never been through that but I’m so proud of both of you for being yourselves and opening up!! <3

There was a short pause, then the phone vibrated again. I hope that’s okay that I sent a heart, I send them platonically to my friends all the time, but I know it’s a little different since we’re soulmates, so I can totally stop if you want!!

You’re fine, Virgil sent. It almost overlapped with Logan sending a message of affirmation as well.

<3 <3 Yay!!! <3 <3 <3 Patton sent. It made Virgil smile – Patton seemed so happy, so upbeat, a contrast to Virgil, whose emo aesthetic didn’t mesh too well with happiness, and Logan, who he didn’t know much about yet but seemed relatively no-nonsense and formal.

He was startled out of his thoughts by Roman knocking on the door. “Virgil? How are you doing?”

Virgil looked up to meet Roman’s eyes and noted the wickedly sharp eyeliner on his face. “Good. Turns out it’s a three-way bond, so another person’s in my body and Patton’s in theirs.”

Roman nodded slowly. “That sounds fun to navigate.” He hesitated. “I… actually haven’t had a soulmate switch yet. I’m almost twenty-five, so… I’m not sure if I will have a switch? Ever?”

Virgil shifted slightly awkwardly. “I’m… sorry? To hear that?” He offered. He wasn’t sure what the proper response should be in this situation – someone who was basically a stranger was telling him something intensely personal.

Roman gave him a small smile. “I’m just saying, I might not understand it, but I know Patton’s been looking forward to this since he turned eighteen. It’s been a bit since then, but he… I don’t know. He’s excited.”

Virgil ducked his head. “I… thanks. I guess. Yeah.”

Roman clapped a hand on his shoulder. “Tell you what. How about you get dressed, then we can go out and spend the day getting you caught up on Patton.”

Virgil nodded slowly. “I- I do want to keep texting them though?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t make you stop doing that.”

“Okay.”

There was a brief silence, then Virgil spoke up.

“Do you know where he keeps his things? I don’t want to see any stuff he wouldn’t want me to see- I guess?”

Roman made a silent “oh” face. “Of course,” he said. He entered the room, pulling open some of the drawers from the dresser. “Underwear in here, pants here, shirts here, socks next to the underwear, sweaters up here, and any accessories down here. If you feel like makeup or doing anything with your hair, let me know and I’ll show you where that is.” He paused for a moment. “If I may ask… what is your usual aesthetic in your own body?”

Virgil gave him a little smirk. “Emo,” he said.

Roman’s eyes went wide with amusement. “Oh, that is hilarious,” he said, laughing a little bit. “Patton is the softest, fluffiest person you will ever meet, I cannot believe he’s bonded to an emo of all things.”

Virgil couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah,” he said. “I kinda guessed by the room.”

“Anyway,” Roman continued, “What I was saying is that you are welcome to… get as close as you can to your… typical aesthetic, I suppose. It may be difficult, I’m not sure if Patton even owns any colors darker than red, but… it’s worth a try.”

Virgil stopped his hand from reaching out to squeeze Roman’s shoulder. “Thanks,” he said quietly.

“I’ll leave you alone now,” Roman said.

“Thank you,” Virgil repeated, giving into his instinct to touch Patton’s brother as he grabbed his hand to pull him back. “For everything. I… really appreciate it.”

Roman grinned, squeezing his hand before releasing it. “Of course. It’s what Patton would want. And, of course, my naturally chivalrous nature also dictated that I should-“

“Oh hush,” Virgil laughed, pushing him out of the room. As he gently closed the door to Patton’s bedroom, he couldn’t help but keep smiling, a relatively new experience for him.

Roman seemed incredibly nice and supportive, especially for someone who appeared to be struggling with his soulmate status.

And his actual soulmates?

Well, they were already his whole world.

#ts virgil #ts logan #analogicality #ts fanfic #soulmate september #ts patton #ts roman #i can write sometimes

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afoolforatook · 4 years

Text

On fandom and tragic romance tropes, from someone who's lived it.

Okay, this is kind of…. Idk a very specific vent and tbh one I feel kinda bad about because I genuinely don’t want to make people feel bad for liking reading/writing romantic angst or tragedy and it’s really less of an individual issue than an overall attitude in fandom.

Like, it’s absolutely okay to like not happy endings, and angst doesn’t have to just be for cathartic relief. Angst isn’t only acceptable if it’s to process trauma, you’re allowed to like it just because that’s your taste.

But at the same time…. I can’t help but have very personal feelings about how a lot of fandom spaces treat tragic romance tropes…

(this got really long but... it's something I've wanted to address for a long time)

I'm far from secretive with the fact that when I was 20, my girlfriend Emma (19) was killed in a car crash, along with her younger brother, mother, and aunt, and that a lot of my art and writing is purposefully about processing and accepting that grief. Fandom has been a very important part of how I’ve gotten through the last five years, which I’ll get into a bit more in a minute, but tbh it’s also been a lot harder navigating fandom and especially anything ship-related since Emma died, because of how people tend to romanticize a character tragically losing a partner.

And honestly, it’s not just fandom, it’s media in general. And mainstream media focus on tragic sob stories, shock factor, and BYG tropes is definitely a big part of the problem.

But as much as fandom pushes against mainstream overuse of such tropes, there is a good portion of fandom that falls into the same type of issue. And not just ‘fandom’ in the usual sense, but literary communities, poetry, etc…

The amount of times I see stories or prompts about characters tragically losing their partner, and that being the climax of the story, and then next to nothing about that character actually navigating their grief or being able to eventually start a new relationship or just be happy is just…. It makes me feel physically ill.

Like, people saying how tragic love stories are more interesting than happy endings. Or seeing a post about tragic pairing prompts and people saying things like ‘or they think it's unrequited but then A dies and B finds a letter confessing and they really loved each other but now it's too late’ and more people being like ‘YES YOU GET IT THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF’

Just… really, honestly. It's okay to like angst, even really tragic angst. I’m not trying to guilt anyone out of that.

I just….. Most of the time people just talk about it like ‘oh yeah I love some of that good tragic love story shit’ and the stories focus on the build-up and the shock/trauma of the death as it happens and then the excruciating reaction of the survivor and then maybe a time jump to show them happy again.

But very rarely do people take the time to actually handle the grief. People like the good cry of a character mourning their partner, but the vast majority of creators and fans rush through or skip over everything after the initial drama and aftermath. The ‘tragedy’ is the only part they focus on, and then the story ends and they move on.

And like. Shit. I liked that stuff too, I wrote some of it, years ago. And I’m not saying you can’t ever just leave it there, or that if you want to write tragic romance you always have to explore all the long-term emotional consequences.

But try to have it in mind, to consider what message countless grief narratives that end after the funeral, or maybe a few weeks or months later, teach people about real-life grief. This goes for any kind of grief narrative, but the one I see most, the one I used to ‘enjoy’ most myself, is romantic.

But, after having actually lived it? And knowing I'll have to live the rest of my life as the part of the story that usually isn’t told? It turns my stomach the way it’s often handled.

Like seeing people gush about how angsty a fic/idea is, and ‘OH MY GOD SO SAD CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW TRAGIC HOW DARE YOU. I LOVE SEEING/PUTTING THEM THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN’ gets a bit uncomfortable.

Not because there’s something inherently wrong with ever reacting like that, but because most often I can turn around and have the same people not know how to react when I tell them about Emma, not know how to handle the same grief they were just gushing over in fiction, when it’s real.

Grief is isolating enough on its own, but then it just doesn’t feel great when the worst thing to ever happen to you is a huge trope that people gush over, while very rarely fleshing out the actual reality of what it feels like to go through that or how to respond to someone actually dealing with grief, and eventually having to deal with your own grief.

Tbh it’s why I really just kinda have an aversion to the word ‘angst’ in general, and don’t really like to refer to my own writing as angst, even though I know plenty of people might think of it as such. So much of fandom's handling of ‘angst’ has come to feel like voyeuristic tourism of the grief I deal with every day, and will for the rest of my life.

Just, I know people are always going to like tragic angsty romance, and that’s fine, and honestly, it's not even an issue of individuals, but of how fandom in general treats it.

And again, I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad for liking it, and it has its purposes. And even when it’s not for catharsis, it's okay to just like sad stories just because.

I just… I wish more people would keep in mind that it’s not just a tearjerker story trope. People really go through this. And they then often end up feeling very isolated because people around them don't know how to react to their grief, because their grief makes things awkward and a mood killer.

Like, if you love this kind of angst (and not because you personally relate to it or find it cathartic, but just because, just for fun) but then feel awkward around people talking about their real-life grief, maybe spend some time with that, and think about the topic as a real-world trauma and not just a dramatic story trope. (this doesn’t just go for grief. Any kind of trauma you don’t personally deal with, if you love reading/writing it but avoid actually listening to people talking about their real-life experiences with it, think about why that is.)

I just hate seeing loss and initial dramatic grief responses being this shock factor/tearjerker trope, without ever really seriously addressing long-term grief. Especially when it doesn't even do a time jump or anything, and just ends on the surviving character being forever destroyed; when it focuses on the idea of how sad it is for your favorite character to have to spend the rest of their life alone.

And that’s not even folding in any kind of BYG/queer tragedy tropes in canon or fandom spaces.

And like… on a much more individual, less practical point, I just… there’s nothing wrong with angst but honestly (and especially for characters whose canon is in no way tragic) every time I see it I just want to scream WHY…. Why do that to them!? I’m not saying you have to stop, or that you’re not allowed to write trauma you don’t deal with personally. But I will never not cringe a bit at the ‘painful enjoyment’ of a character going through the traumatic loss of a partner. And it’s a sentiment I don’t really see people being okay with in regards to any other kind of trauma.

I don’t have actual numbers, but it sure feels like fandom treats stories about romantic grief very differently than most other traumas. Other trauma, even other kinds of grief, like a close friend or a sibling or parent, etc. tend to at least try to touch on a theme of recovery, or that the emotional turmoil being covered isn’t just a fun angsty trope to spend a little time in and then move on. And of course, this isn’t universal and plenty of people don’t handle these other traumas respectfully or as anything more than dramatic fuel, but this is the trend I’ve personally seen in over 10 years of tumblr fandom. And to that point, even when traumas aren’t respectfully handled I’ve at least seen people try to bring attention to that, with posts about how to respectfully handle disability or addiction or mental health or abuse. I can’t remember off the top of my head a single post like that about grief, let alone specifically romantic grief. It seems to be commonly accepted that while most kinds of trauma can be explored, but still handled respectfully, the death of a partner can just be done for the Drama. People tend to try to learn about abuse or addiction experiences before attempting big angsty stories addressing that. But doomed romance and a grief-stricken lover (it feels like, in my experience) are much more likely to happen on a whim.

Generally, it feels like other kinds of trauma, while still part of ‘angst’ also keeps a sense of awareness of how that narrative reflects real people’s experiences. It’s not just heavy because it’s big dramatic fictional angst, but because it’s grounded in real-life trauma that everyday people who come across it might relate to. Like... I just feel like a lot of fandom spaces treat ‘major character death’ and tragic romantic trope tags as just filters, like they’re needed because ‘not everyone likes angst, it’s just not their thing’ without really acknowledging that it’s a real trauma that everyday people deal with, where (again, often, but of course far from always, and certainly not in mainstream) other tws and tags like assault or substance abuse, people understand that people they interact with might really deal with those issues and they try to not just use them as dramatic fodder and to portray them respectfully.

But grief, especially romantic grief, seems different. The number of people who will come across a fic or edit or piece of art about a tragic love story, and will have had that personal experience of losing a partner, is much lower than people with real experiences with abuse, or addiction, or mental illness. That’s not a bad thing. I wish none of you ever have to know what that feels like.

But because of that, tragic romance ends up seeming like this distant thing. Like it’s only in dramatic tv shows or movies or literature, or lives solely in angsty fandom spaces as a way to get out a good cry. It seems grand and Tragic, off in its own world of dramatic emotional story tropes.

It’s solely pretty dark edits put to song lyrics, or striking art, or beautifully written prose that rips your heart out. It’s Tragic Romance.

And there’s nothing wrong with that inherently. But for many people, it seems like that is what it becomes: fiction. An angsty trope.

I genuinely hope that’s all it ever is for all of you. I wish I could ensure that that good angsty hurt will only ever be a trope you visit when you need a good cry.

But it’s not just fiction.

It's not just angst for sake of drama or fun or poetic storytelling. It’s not grand or romantic or beautifully tragic.

It’s unbearable. It’s physical pain.

That’s not exaggeration or metaphor. It sneaks up on me out of nowhere and it literally feels like someone is crushing my chest. I’ve nearly broken my hand punching a wall because I needed to make something hurt more than this thing in my chest that isn’t even actually there but it hurts so much.

Tbf I think a lot of my attitude towards this really stems more from fandom trends from when I was younger, and I think a lot more people actually try to flesh out grief more these days. But I just remember so much tragic romantic fic and fandom love from when I was a teenager that didn’t go deeper than ‘look how heartbreaking this is it’s so sad, I wanna make everybody read it and cry and it’s just fun and a story, oh my god I couldn't live with that’

no, of course I don't have a few specific old fics or posts from like superwholock days in mind, that I used to gush over too, and now just the idea of makes me feel actually sick

Idk… like I said. I don't at all want to make anyone feel bad for liking that type of angst, and I feel kind of bad for criticizing it. It just…

It hurts seeing basically your exact situation on angsty prompt lists with people gushing about how good it hurts. Especially when the same people would be (and have been) deer in headlights when they find out you’ve lived the same thing. (Again, this goes for any kind of trauma trope, but most others I’ve seen at least some kind of discussion about before)

Just please, try to be mindful of not just how you write stories about grief, but how you talk about death angst in general. (again, certainly not everyone, but more and more) People know to not just romanticize abuse trauma or addictions or mental illness, and to research, and ask for advice to try to be respectful.

And it’s much more common for someone in fandom spaces, in their teens or 20s or 30s to deal with those sorts of trauma than having experienced losing a partner.

But we exist. And while there is plenty of media out there showing tragic young romance, there is very little (in my experience, after nearly five years of desperately looking) real-world acknowledgment and support, or proof that you’ll be able to survive that kind of loss and still be happy, and even less so if they’re queer.

In a couple of months, it will have been five years since Emma’s death. From day one I have not been private about my loss, whenever possible.

And in five years of saying “When I was 20 my girlfriend died.” to new friends, classmates, potential dates, fandom spaces, therapists, grief support forums, etc… do you know how many other people have told me that they also lost a partner as a young adult, whether queer or straight, by accident or suicide or illness?

Zero.

No one. I’ve had people say how they lost a best friend or a sibling or a parent. And those losses, those kinds of grief are certainly not any less traumatic than the loss of a partner. But even in real life, they’re different. Losing a partner, especially at a very young age when it’s likely your main romantic experience, has different emotional effects, and can be harder to find people who directly relate.

Five years. Zero people dealing with the specific facets of grief as me.

The ONLY times I have ever heard about stories like mine in real life are either the rare article or essay or celebrity story, of which I can probably easily count on two hands.

All the other representation I’ve found is in mainstream fiction and fandom.

And of those stories, those fics, that art, the vast majority have had the partner die in the last half, probably closer to the 75% mark, of the story or arc.

If I’m lucky, that last 25% will focus on the immediate aftermath and grief (especially in fic, while a lot of media might give you a few scenes, and then move on to other character arcs).

If I’m really lucky they’ll show some kind of time jump, to say ‘see, they’re still haunted by their lost love but they’ve tried to move on or can pretend to be happy’.

And so much fandom reception is centered around ‘it’s soooooo SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD MY POOR HEART IT HURTS SO GOOD. LOVE ME SOME ANGST’, or romanticizing the idea of being unable to live without them, and if they can, it’s often never really putting focus on all the pain it took to process their grief.

Again, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this individually, or that you shouldn’t gush and scream over fic or art or prompts that hook you because of angst. But it adds up really quickly, especially when, even when getting good genuine support from people, you still see no one else actually living with that feeling like you. The only place you find it is stories, and then you see people mostly excited over just how beautifully sad it is.

And that just feels… I can’t explain it honestly.

Just, think about how you react to or talk about fic or prompts or art about a character crying over their partner’s body, or attending their funeral, and think about whether you’d feel appropriate doing the same if instead, they were dealing with abuse, or addiction, or self-harm.

Again, that’s not to say you can’t ever gush or key smash or such, but is it all you do?

You don’t have to stop enjoying angst and tragic romance. But think about how I just said that.

Enjoy.

Do you only ever act like you ‘Enjoy’ it (and yes, this includes the ‘I’m such a masochist I just love to cry over them, it’s emotional release that doesn’t trigger me’ reaction), and romanticize it?

It’s fine to, sometimes. But do you also appreciate it, and try to understand the real-world weight of it? Do you know what you’d say to a friend if they told you they’d lost a partner?

That ‘love me some good angst’, Dramatic grief, being the main fandom attitude doesn’t just hurt me or others who have lost people close to them, partners or not.

A big part of fandom, and of just society, has no idea how to deal with grief, their own or others. It’s not a light conversation topic, it makes people feel awkward, or walk on eggshells around you, or tell you how they can’t possibly imagine having to go through that (btw, y'all don’t say this to people. About grief, or trauma, or disability or anything like that, just don’t. I’m begging you. And a rant about that kind of thing is for another day but... )

And then, when people inevitably face some form of major grief themselves, they feel ashamed for not handling it ‘right’.

It hurts, to try to find some acknowledgment of your grief, and only ever see stories that show just the first few weeks or months; the feeling of it never possibly being anything but constantly excruciating. Stories that end on ‘they were alone and sad and that is what their story, their love, will live on as; Tragic’. Or, that skip all the work and the doubt and the backsliding, and just show years down the road, when they’ve got a whole new life, and that grief, that love, is just a sad memory that they have ‘moved on’ from. Just a tiny trinket call back.

It feels impossible to survive, to ever be happy again, when you never see grief being treated as more than a tragic story point. And then, as you try your hardest to keep going, to process and heal, and connect to new people, while not forgetting the person you love, not letting them just become your tragic backstory, you see people gush over tragic love stories, over how romantic it is, over how characters loved each other so much they couldn’t live without them. (Thankfully a good bit of fandom seems to be pulling away from this, but it’s still common)

And, if that’s what it is to lose a partner, your soulmate… then… then how am I able to keep living? Even as painful as it is? If true love means not being able to live without the other person, does that mean I didn’t, I don’t, actually love them enough? Am I selfish for still actually wanting to live the rest of my life, even with this pain of the person I love being gone?

Would people read my, our, story and ‘enjoy’ it? Would they find this romantic? Would they scream over a prompt based on the worst event in my life, and have a good cry, and then move on, thinking how sad and beautifully tragically romantic that story would be? Would this person I love and miss more than anything, become just a Tragedy? Just an angsty sob story to gush about how wonderfully painful it was? Would it become about only my pain and heartbreak, and not about the cruelty of this other complete, unique, independent person who was robbed of their entire future?

Maybe that seems melodramatic or putting too much weight on tropes, or fandom. But remember.

Five years.

Zero real people saying ‘I’ve been there too’.

The only places I have seen my grief reflected (beyond a rare celebrity interview, or article) is in fiction, and mostly in fandom.

For over a decade I’ve seen people key smash and gush over angsty ships in fic and art, and I was one of them for a long time.

And then, when it became real life for me, all too often (not always, of course) people wouldn’t know how to handle my real grief. Even when I didn’t want to grieve, but wanted to remember all the reasons I love Emma. My real-life moments of ‘fluff’ that I cling to, become uncomfortable when they know the ‘angst’ to come.

And I don’t blame them. I’m not angry at them for not knowing what to say, for walking on eggshells. They’re not cruel for that, they’re not unsympathetic, it’s not that they just don’t try.

Because, if I’ve found so few real-world stories about this kind of grief, after looking so hard for so long, how can I expect them to have had much more luck?

If the only places I find stories about grief never focus on the reality of life after the funeral, and the process of not moving past, but learning to handle grief, then how can I expect broader fandom to know how to be comfortable around the ugly, boring, repetitive, not at all romantic parts of that grief?

Just, yes. Write, read, love your angst. But please just remember that ‘tragic love story’ happens to people, and while plenty of people might not want to read it because it’s just not their thing, or too depressing, there are those who see those dramatic prompt scenarios, and personally relate to them (I quite often say the events around Emma’s death read like a heavy-handed soap opera, or Queer Tragedy movie, and had had plenty of people agree, even before hearing all the details. And I have literally seen multiple prompts of ‘best friends secretly have feelings for each other, and then finally confess, only to get a short bit of happiness before one dies tragically’)

Write, read, love your angst, your tragic love stories, just please, be as respectful of grief (in any form, but this is mostly a shipping issue in my experience) as you would be (or should be) of other major trigger warnings. Gush and scream about the big dramatic ‘romantic’ tragedies, but don’t then ignore the raw, uncomfortable, vulnerable, cathartic explorations, or the real people dealing with real loss.

Because damn y’all, I’ve seen ‘I just love a good romantic tragedy trope, yes please rip my heart out’ said so many times, with the same tone as saying ‘That fake dating trope, that’s the good stuff’.

I’ve seen people gush over how much more interesting and beautifully cruel it is for young love to end tragically.

And I promise you. It’s not. It just fucking sucks. It’s not romantic or tragically beautiful or poignant. It’s devastating. And it goes on for so much longer than that last quarter of the story.

My grief is more than an angsty prompt. Our relationship, my love for her, is more than a dramatic sob story, more than just awkward sadness that kills the mood. Emma’s life, her memory, is more than my tragic backstory.

I want to be able to find my story in more than just fiction, I want to be able to get support from people who live with similar grief.

But I also want to see grief in fiction, in fandom, become more than a final character arc or Tragic love story; used for dramatic effect; grand and huge for a moment and then never fully processed, or mentioned again; just tragically romantic and heartbreaking and soooo good and angsty.

Grief is one of the only things we will all have to face throughout our lives.

I’m not just asking you to respect my grief or the grief of those around you. But your own future grief. I don’t want you to get there and feel like your grief is wrong, or means that you didn’t love someone ‘enough’ because it doesn’t manifest in a certain way.

Learning to accept grief; to be comfortable around raw, unpoetic, grief; to not hold up certain expressions of grief as Romantic or Poetic, but just honest, will eventually be personally useful for all of us, as much as I wish it wouldn’t.

I want my grief, everyone’s grief, to be seen, and understood, not just romanticized and dramatized.

My love story, Emma’s love story, isn’t beautifully tragic. It isn’t more interesting or poetic than a happy ending. The pain that I will carry with me for the rest of my life is not romantic.

But it is important.

#mine #my writing #tw #grief #death #car crash #fandom analysis #romantic tragedy trope

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always5hineee · 4 years

Text

Depreciation- Chapter 2: Visiting Hours

Chapter warnings: mild language

Word count: 1361

-----

After being released from her initial questioning, Y/N immediately took to Twitter. While she no longer had her original phone, (she had told the officers she lost it- in reality, WayV had confiscated it from her), they offered her a temporary replacement. She knew she would have to get a new one soon, as the likelihood of this one being monitored was almost a guarantee- it was the only way they would have offered to give her a new phone. Still, for now, she had no choice. What she was searching for wasn't suspicious, anyway.

The first thing she did was type "WayV" into the search bars. The results that came up were expected, but unsettling.

WayV concert

WayV Lucas

WayV postponed

WayV is over

What could this mean? Had SM released a statement? What did the general public know? She found it almost impossible to fathom that they had managed to keep the allegations completely under wraps, so what was the excuse this time? Heart twisting in tension, she clicked on the first tag, clicking through until she came to an official article.

WayV Tour Postponed Due to Unforeseen Complications

She began to read the content of the body, skimming to the paragraphs that caught her interest. Most of it was corporate bullshit, but she managed to get the gist based on various lines.

"Unfortunately, Wong Yukhei of WayV, commonly known as Lucas, had suffered a mild injury. While we believe he will be in good health shortly, WayV will be postponing their tour until further notice. We thank you for your concern and your patience in this matter, and we will keep all of the WayZenNi updated as much as we are able."

So they weren't planning on releasing the extent of Lucas's injuries? The last she had seen him, he was covered in those gashes, but he was still very stably alive. Hendery had said he killed the man, along with Xiaojun, but... that couldn't have been the case. He wouldn't have had time to incapacitate Xiaojun and completely kill Lucas in the few seconds she had been in the basement. He had just been saying it to cause her pain in her final moments.

Still, the article was right about one thing- Lucas wouldn't be performing any time soon. It was clear that they intended to keep all of the allegations under wraps. In the event that WayV was proven innocent, they needed to be able to put them back on stage with no controversy. If any of this got out, it was over. Still, it was fairly easy to demand an unbiased jury, so the people who did act as jurors wouldn't be involved afterwards.

At this, she started clicking through fan tweets. Some were nicer than others, and each one weighed on her like a mountain.

I'm so sorry bbysss, get better soon! :(

Haha I bet Lucas got hit by a truck or something

This is so lame lmao when has sm evr relaesed a statement this fast?? it's for sure a coverup

Y/N forced herself to take a deep breath. No matter the scandal, injury, or announcement, there would always be people who made crazy wild guesses for the purposes of humor or sensationalism. There was no way any of these people knew what was really going on, right? Forcing herself to pry her eyes off the thousands of tweets, she chose to look at a few other things. If her phone was being monitored, it may be suspicious that her first actions was just to search WayV on Twitter.

Her next decision was to try and visit them. She knew where the detention center was, and they were technically just in holding until a temporary decision was made, so she had the right- if they accepted. Her guess was that they were all being held separately, although she wasn't sure if they'd be tried that way as well. Walking into the station, she told the man at the front desk of her intentions.

"I'd like to speak to the group of men that was brought in last night?" He looked up at her.

"Which one?"

"Are they detained separately?" He looked to his computer, clicking a few things.

"Not all of them. Not enough room. They're all in smaller groups."

"Who's with who?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Look, lady, I can't just hand out names. Either you know who you want to speak to or you leave before you get into trouble." She held up a hand in defense.

"Sorry, sorry." So who did she want to talk to? She wanted to ask for Lucas, but she assumed he had been taken to urgent care or a hospital of some sort. The chances that he was here were slim to none, and producing an incorrect name would be more than suspicious at this point.

"Ten." She finally said. Seeing the look on his face, she amended, "Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul." She was embarrassed at how flawlessly she could produce it, but she was a WayV fan, after all. His gaze changed from confusion to understanding.

"Sorry. The nicknames are written on here, his is just... kind of off the page."

"I get it." She watched as he stood, keys jingling as he unlocked the door to the back room.

"Hold on, I'll ask them if they want to see you." He disappeared for a moment, leaving her to wonder what their response would be. Maybe Ten had some kind of plan, maybe they had already escaped? It wasn't long before he returned.

"We're good to go." Leading her back, he explained, "We can't take them out of the holding cells, but you can talk from the hallway. Try not to bother the other inmates. It's fine if you want to talk to the rest of the group, but don't force them to do anything." She nodded. "I have to work the desk, but don't try anything. I can see you on the security cameras." She thanked him profusely, only daring to look through the bars once he had turned the corner.

Looking into the cell, relief flooded her body. Although it didn't look the most comfortable, she saw Kun and Ten both looking intently at her, seemingly surprised at her presence. She convinced herself that it wasn't a dream, that they were sitting right in front of her. She had gotten so used to being around them twenty four hours a day that being separated seemed ethereal.

"Oh, thank God." She wrapped her hands around the bars, leaning in. Kun and Ten glanced to each other, and then back to her. Finally, the leader muttered,

"Keep it down. The cameras don't have audio capabilities, but if we talk too loud the officer might hear us."

"What are you doing here?" Ten asked, basically destroying any semblance of official-ness that Kun had been trying to imbue. "Aren't you like, ratting us out to the cops?" Putting a hand to the back of her head, she laughed awkwardly.

"Yeah, about that..." She explained what she had told them during her questioning, earning several insane looks from the both of them.

"You're kidding." Ten stuttered, "You really care?"

"That seems illogical." Kun stated quite bluntly. "You now put yourself in a position of perjury, as well as aiding and abetting should we be convicted. The only risk you run by admitting our situation is that we walk free and retaliate, which would be highly unlikely in that situation. It's frankly a stupid decision." Glaring, she mentioned,

"I can always walk back out there and tell the truth." Sighing, she continued, "Look, we need to find a way to bust you out."

"Impossible. Breaking out is practically admitting guilt." Kun stated. "We'd have to stay on the run forever, our music careers would be over, and our entire business network would shatter. Not only that, but we're more easily recognizable than any random criminal." At this, Y/N was starting to feel hopeless again. She knew he was right... Still, what could she do about it?

"Well what are we supposed to do?"

"Earn our freedom."

Go to chapter 3

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arthurhwalker · 5 years

Text

Moving your Tabletop RPG Online: First Steps

Trapped behind a fortress of toilet paper, but still want to play Tabletop RPGs with your friends? This is my quick and dirty guide to getting started running and playing your games online. Toward the bottom, I'll have links to as many digital resources to help run games as I can find. I will update whenever I find new things, so check back, and comment on what you're looking for.

Requirements

You and your RPG table folks will each need a computer, tablet, or smartphone capable of running Discord, and accessing Roll20 via a browser. Discord can run in a browser as well, but I recommend using the desktop app on your computer, or mobile app on your tablet or smartphone. Also, I strongly recommend a headset or earbuds with a mic.

Every participant will need a Roll20 dot net and Discord App account.

https://discordapp.com/ https://roll20.net/

Discord will primarily provide video and voice chat for your table. It has lots of other potential for community building, but for right now we're just going to use it so you and your fellow gamers can see and hear each other.

Roll20 is where you'll host the game itself. It is where you and your RPG crew will roll digital dice, manage character sheets, look at maps, move tokens on the battlefield, and similar. It takes some setup, but not a lot to get started.

The more preparation the person running the game puts into Roll20, the nicer and more streamlined the experience. This can be done over time, between games. I wouldn't delay play to have everything perfect, just get enough set up to get started and go.

Discord for Gamemasters

Don't worry about setting up or joining a server just yet. You don't really need one, and it often just confuses folks that are new to Discord. At minimum, the person running the game should have all the players added as friends. Go to the Friends Tab, click "Add Friends", and put in their handle, pound sign, and number. Your handle and number will be displayed somewhere in the app depending on whether you have the mobile, browser, or desktop version of the app.

Once the person running the game has everyone added as a friend, they can add them to a Group DM. The New Group DM button looks like a speech bubble with a + sign by it, and should be visible in the Friends Tab. Once everyone has been added to the Group DM, the game runner can hit either the start voice or video call button, prompting everyone else to join.

That Group DM will persist in the Friends Tab, regardless of whether anyone is actually online or in the call. People that drop from connectivity issues can pop back in by just selecting that group DM when a call is ongoing. If people are having connectivity issues, they can send text messages to the Group DM, add files, send GIFs, and similar.

The person running the Game can post news and game schedules to the Group DM, and people can chat about the game off camera/mic in between games.

Yes, you can set up your own dedicated servers, forums, and communities using Discord, but you don't need to. In my experience, Discord is just arcane enough to confuse people the first few times they run it. The desktop version of Discord will continue running in the tray, by default, even if you close the main window.

Make sure you either go into settings and turn this feature off, or shut Discord down from the tray, and/or that you've left the call when you're done. Otherwise, you'll continue to broadcast as you talk to yourself, while browsing the Internet (to the amusement of your friends still in the Group DM.)

Roll20 for Gamemasters

Like Discord, Roll20 dot net is just arcane enough to baffle people. It has a lot of functions and features, and you do not need to make use of them all to get started. Don't delay play while you figure out how to get dynamic lighting to work, or build every map for the campaign.

Just get rolling with it, hands properly dirty.

Once you're logged in, you'll need to create your first game. Once you're logged in, there should be a shiny pink button labeled, "Create New Game". Click that, and head to the next screen. Give your game a name, and don't worry about tags (if you're just playing with friends). Pick the character sheet from the drop down menu that most closely fits the game you're going to run.

This will save you a bunch of time later. Don't worry, you can change it after you've created the game if you don't like this feature.

Once you've created your game, hit the menu button, and go back to Home. Click on your game, scroll down to invite players. You can send direct invitations to the email address they used to sign up for Roll20 with, or copy and paste a link, dropping it into your Discord Group DM text chat.

After your players have accepted the invitation, have them launch the game, at least once, so the Roll20 servers fully recognize that they are participants. This will allow you to assign them control of characters, and access to handouts later. This merely saves you the time of having to make those assignments at the first game.

While your players are in the game, have them go to the "My Settings" tab, by clicking the Gear Icon in the upper right corner. Have them scroll down and set Player Avatar Size to "Names only", and Chat Tech to "None" (no video/audio). You're using Discord (which is way better), so you won't need these features.

On your game's landing page, there is a place for Game Discussion where you, or any player, can post topics, people can reply, and so forth. For important game things, you can flag posts to hang around at the top of the Discussion Feed. This is a good place to put house rules, leaderboards, game schedules, and more.

There is also a place to indicate when the next game will be, the time adjusted from your timezone, to whatever everyone else has, depending on where they live. Handy!

When you launch the game to work on it, I recommend having the Roll20 Wiki up in another browser tab. I'm going to run through some of the basics, and give a tour, but there's too much to detail in a single blog post. I'll be focusing on what you'll need to just get started.

https://wiki.roll20.net/Main_Page

The game view has three visible points of user interface. The vertical bar of icons on the left, the horizontal bar of icons at the top of the chat log on the right, and the game board itself. The first thing in the Chat Log should be a "Welcome" message with some helpful chat window commands. At the bottom of the Chat Log is a toggle letting you change your role from yourself, to NPCs, monsters, and even player characters (should they find themselves charmed by a dryad).

Also, note the little blue Page Toolbar button at the top in the middle. This is what you'll use to navigate between different maps, and change what players are able to see on their screens. Your view doesn't have to follow what the players are seeing.

The learning curve with the Roll20 interface is going to feel very steep at first, for you and your players. If you're already anxious about running games, this can feel overwhelming. However, once you learn even a little of how it works, Roll20 is a very powerful tool. I use it to run my local games now with a big screen TV.

It's that good. Trust me, hang in there.

Okay, you're logged into Roll20, click on the games tab, mouse over it, and click the tutorial. Watching a YouTube video is a fine way to learn, but this gets you accustomed to the tools, where things are located, and so forth. Breaking through this initial learning curve, understanding where your game assets are stored, and how to control what your players see and hear takes a minute.

If you've ever used Photoshop or any image editing tool, even Microsoft Word or OneNote, a lot of the user interface will feel familiar, functions and features much the same.

Okay, some general tips that should streamline things for you.

Make a character called "Dungeon Master", "Game Master", or similar. In the Attributes & Abilities tab create several that are going to automatically roll for yourself via /gmroll, or for players using /roll, the most commonly used things. Passive Detection, Surprise, Random Encounters, Treasure, Initiative, and anything else you roll for multiple times per game.

Then, click the "Show in macro bar" box so they are on screen for you whenever you need them.

When uploading assets, give the file names that are searchable in an intuitive way. You can make folders and to organize your art library, but it isn't really necessary. The search feature is robust enough it'll pick through the pile very quickly, provided your file names reflect what the asset is.

Asset0023.png <- No GoblinShaman.png <- Yes

Finally, in the settings for your game, add any applicable compendiums for your game, and click the box that makes them available for players. There are compendiums for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Ed, Pathfinder 2nd Ed, Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition, Dungeon World, Fate, Kids on Bikes, Pathfinder 1st Ed, Starfinder, Burn Bryte, DramaSystem, and Dialext.

A lot of these are paid upgrades, but worth the investment if you plan to stay on and use Roll20 for any particular duration. You'll find the full list on Roll20 dot net, under the Tools Menu Tab, in Compendiums.

Roll20 & Discord For Players

In the beginnning your goal should be to have fun, and understand how Roll20 works enough that you aren't slowing the game down for anyone else. Worry about macros and navigating the game as you play. Definitely watch YouTube videos, read the Wiki, and do whatever else you need to feel comfortable.

But, first, make sure you are using best application available to you for accessing the game.

There are these options for Android and iPad. (Keep reading, don't just grab one of these yet.)

Android iPad

As far as I'm aware, these are horrible, 1-2 star applications with problems, and lacking in support. Only resort to these options if you've tried every browser (Firefox, Chrome, Safari) available for your platform, and can't get it on your desktop or tablet.

Likewise, do this for Discord.

Make sure you are accessing the Discord App using the best option for your platform. I have yet to find a platform where Discord isn't pretty great. Windows, Mac, iOS, Android, and Linux, all awesome with a dedicated app, or in the browser.

Figure out how to mute yourself, and be courteous to other people participating. No one wants to hear you eating chips or yelling at your kids. ;-D Also, perform and audio test with your computer and headset. Have a friend or the game master meet you online and make sure everything is working properly.

This is, literally, 75% of the battle for a game master running their first online game. Just getting people online with the right software, hardware configured properly, with a modicum of understanding of how it all works. The absolute best thing a player can do is be responsible for learning and helping others learn Discord and Roll20.

Preparing games for Roll20 takes more effort for the dungeon master than normal. You can help this along by writing background stories, doing illustrations of your character, or just making a wish list of magical items your character hopes to encounter. Taking some of the guesswork out of making the game fun for you, will greatly streamline the process for the game master.

Likewise, organizing games online is time consuming and stressful as compared to just meeting at the local game or board game cafe. Make sure you communicate with the game master your availability, and be on time for games. This sets a standard for other players. Supporting the table with your reliable presence makes it nicer for you, and everyone else.

Build some custom emote macros for your character in the Attributes & Abilities tab or your character sheet in the Journal tab above the chat log. Whenever my Warlock uses one of his class abilities at my 5e table, I click a macro button that executes one of these commands.

/em holds a rod aloft, summoning hellish fortitude! (Using his Rod of the Pact Keeper)

/em grasps a shard amulet around his neck, closes his eyes, and reaches across into the hellscape it came from. (Using his Dark Shard Amulet)

/em gains terrible fortitude following the slaying of an enemy. (Dark One's Blessing Class Ability)

/em produces a shadowy tome, bound in the hide of an otherworldly beast, flames leaping up from the script inside. (Book of Shadows Class Ability)

/em reaches back into the void, altering his fate. (Dark One's Own Luck Class Ability) /roll 1D10 [Add To Current Saving Throw]

This accomplishes three things.

It lets the game master know you're using a class ability without breaking the flow by babbling about game mechanics.

It marks the use of that class ability in the chat log for tracking purposes.

It enhances the game for other players, giving them a more vivid picture of what your character is doing.

Resources

As of writing this, Roll20 has a ton of things in the marketplace for free, tokens, maps, and modules. It is part of the response to people being stuck at home. I've included links to some notable items, but definitely cruise through all the things.

The Master's Vault, D&D 5e (Free as of writing this) Quick-Start Rules Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition The Lightless Beacon - Call of Cthulhu 7th Edition The Strange: Starter Pack - Pathfinder Playtest Flip-Mat Multi-Pack

Lone Wolf's Hero Lab things provide for Online Character Creation, Campaign Management, and regular old Classic Character Creation. It looks like they primarily provide online support for Pathfinder 2e, Starfinder, and Shadowrun 6th Generation, and classic support for Pathfinder 1e, D&D 5e SRD, and Savage Worlds.

For 5th Edition Shadowrun, there is a keen Character Chummer on Github. Also, this tool for figuring out your Priorities before you start writing things down.

For Star Trek Adventures, there is a Character & Starships tool here. Also, this fan site looks like a keen source for ideas and things.

@Tartle_Games on Twitter turned me onto a service called Astral. I haven't checked it out in detail yet, but folks that play Call of Cthulhu, Pathfinder, Vampire: The Masquerade, Shadow of the Demon Lord, Exalted, Forbidden Lands, or Fantasy Age should probably head there and see what they've got. It looks like those games are specifically supported for playing online, and Astral appears to be free? https://www.astraltabletop.com/

Even More Resources

PCGen

"Compatible with Pathfinder 1e, Pathfinder 2e (coming), d20 Modern, Dungeons and Dragons 3.5 Edition, Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition, Starfinder, and many more..."

This service went into archive mode December 17, 2019. Take advantage of it while you can.

Fast Character

"Need a few quick pre-gens for a game convention or organized play group at your local game store?

Your cousin from out of town wants to sit in and join this week's game?

The party insists on hiring that NPC to join them for the adventure?

That failed stealth check got half the party killed and now the fallen are playing back-up reinforcements?

You don't have time to min/max your way through a character build but want to try something new?"

Support for D&D 5e, and Cypher System (Numenera, The Strange, etc)

Also, don't forget about ye old' Google Search for free assets and dungeon maps.

#table top rpgs #playing online #dungeons and dragons #vampire the masquerade #star trek adventures #pathfinder #call of cthulhu #roll20 #astral

4 notes · View notes

pennamepersona · 5 years

Text

Where's the Logic in Giving Up Love and Morals When You Don't Want a New Job, Anyway

-All appropriate tags available on the ao3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15346800 -

“And of course, we’ll need you to terminate your professional association with Deadpool,” The agent says, and Peter’s head snaps up to look at them, not even pretending to scan the contract in front of him any longer.

“Come again?” Peter asks, making no effort to mask his irritation.

“Deadpool is not an acceptable individual for a SHIELD employee to be known to associate with,” The agent says, sounding surprised that Peter is finally saying something. “His methods are not condoned by the agency.”

Peter just stares in disbelief for a long moment.

“You are aware that SHIELD has assassins on staff, right?” He asks. “Like, assassins plural. As in more than one.”

“The less commonly accepted methods that SHIELD has employed are not public knowledge.” The agent says. “Deadpool’s methods are very well-known and generally frowned upon.”

Peter takes a deep breath and leans his forehead on one hand.

“You’re all such awful hypocrites,” He says, exhausted and upset down to his bones, but unwilling to lash out in an enclosed room with only a SHIELD agent and himself inside. He doesn’t trust SHIELD at all, has stayed away from any and all of their offers for as long as he could, but came to this interview anyway, if only to get them off his back.

He never intended to actually sign on as a - what was the title again? something like, “exclusive super-powered freelance agent through the Avenger’s initiate” - but figured there was no better way to get them to stop asking than to hear them out and summarily reject them.

Now he’s wondering if it was really worth it.

“I understand that your relationship with Deadpool will likely continue regardless,” The agent says, smoothly, and Peter wishes they’d stop talking because he really, really wants to punch them, and that seems unwise right now. “We only ask that it remain out of the public eye.”

“Yeah, fuck that,” Peter says, standing up and walking over to the door, hoping that it’ll open for him without fuss. “I already wasn’t interested in the job, but if you’re going to keep up with this shitty double standard for Wade, you can consider me completely off SHIELD’s contact list for good.”

“Spider-man, please,” The agent says, a touch of concern in their voice now. “We ask that you reconsider. The good that you’d be able to do if you joined - ”

“I do plenty of good now.” Peter says, turning back to glare coldly at the agent, who actually flinches slightly. Coward. “A lot of it thanks to Deadpool’s help. Now, are you going to let me out, or do I have to call for help?”

The agent gulps, pressing a button under their desk, and the door swings open. Peter marches out of it without a backward glance, practically running through the building to the nearest window, which he jumps out of almost on instinct, shooting out a strand of web to catch himself, immediately swinging to the next building, and then the building beyond, until he lands on the roof of Wade’s apartment complex.

He goes down the fire escape, skipping every other step, sliding easily through the window to Wade’s living room once he reaches it.

“Wade,” He calls, yanking off his mask and taking a deep breath of non-filtered air. “I’m back, where are you?”

“Bedroom, Peter-man,” Wade calls back, and just at the sound of his voice, Peter feels some of the tension bleed out of him. He goes into Wade’s bedroom, almost entirely packed into boxes that will soon be taken to their new apartment. The little thrill that Peter always gets at the thought of them finally moving in together still comes, and though it doesn’t lift his spirits entirely, it goes a fair way to improving his mood.

“How was the job interview?” Wade asks, half-laughing as he tosses shirts haphazardly into a box. Peter pulls them out and starts folding them, then replacing them carefully into the box, smiling as he sees that about a third of them are either shirts he’s left here or Wade stole from him ages ago.

“Awful,” Peter says, honestly. “I already wasn’t interested in the job, but then they said if I took it, I couldn’t associate with you as Spider-Man anymore.”

“Whaaaaaaat?” Wade says, drawing out the word into a half-whine. “But I’ve been cleaning up my act! Seventy-five percent less unnecessary violence, Peter, and sixty percent less killing overall, and them’s good numbers! I’d like to see SHIELD pull out those kinds of results from their butt murderers.”

“Assassins,” Peter corrects, absently. “And yeah, I know. I told them they were being hypocrites, and that if they kept it up, Spider-Man wasn’t going to respond to any of their calls, anymore. Scared the agent pretty good, too, so hopefully it sticks.”

“Aw, spidey, you do care,” Wade says, putting a hand to his face and striking a ridiculous pose straight out of a bad anime. Peter half expects Wade to call him “senpai” next.

“Dude, we’re literally moving in together,” He says, laughing. “If I didn’t care, I sure wouldn’t be subjecting myself to your messy ass twenty-four seven.”

“Love you too, pumpkin,” Wade grins, closing the shirt box and taping it shut. “Now then, what’s your sweet self craving for dinner?”

“How about that sushi place down the street?” Peter suggests, and judging by Wade’s squeal, he’s made a good choice. “My turn to pay, remember.”

“See if you can beat me to it, then,” Wade challenges, chuckling when Peter flicks his forehead before grabbing a change of clothes from one of the few drawers that hasn’t been packed up.

“Gimme ten minutes and then we can get going,” He says, brushing a quick kiss to Wade’s lips.

“I’ll drag your ass outside if you’re not done in five,” Wade says, pinching said ass as he walks by, laughing loudly at the subsequent yelp.

“You should probably find a new roof to hang out on, now,” Clint says, striding casually over to where Peter’s lying on his back, looking up at the clouds as they slowly turn from white to faintly pink and purple, reflecting the setting sun.

“Wade said to wait here,” Peter says, not moving. “And so here I wait.”

Clint doesn’t say anything back, just drops to lay next to Peter in companionable silence, which Peter expects won’t last long, but appreciates nonetheless.

“You really made a statement at that interview,” Clint says, after a minute or so of quiet, which is longer than Peter thought he’d last, so really, props to Clint. “Pissed a few people off, especially once the footage from the security feed got stolen. They might unofficially suspect Deadpool, but not enough to do anything about it.”

“Wade didn’t,” Peter says, almost certain.

“He did not,” Clint agrees. “I did.”

“Why?” Peter asks, honestly surprised. He turns to look Clint in the eyes, but Clint’s still staring up at the sky.

“Because you’re right.” He says, sounding just a bit tired. “SHIELD has a shitty double standard, and besides that, Wade does damn good work. He’s not subtle enough for them, is their problem, but honestly, fuck that. Wade’s probably the most honest out of all of us, and if that makes it so they can’t use him, that’s probably a good thing.”

Peter doesn’t say anything for a longer moment than originally planned, too shocked by Clint’s outburst of emotion against the agency he’s been working with for a long time, to Peter’s understanding, to be certain of what to say. Clint just sighs, long and more than a bit tired, now.

“I like Wade,” He says. “We don’t hang out a lot, but when we do, he’s a breath of fresh air. I can only let my guard down around so many people, and Wade’s right up there with Nat for easiest person to talk to. I respect him and how he does his work and lives his life. I’ve done a lot of objectionable shit in my life, and I’m sure I’ll do more, but I’m not about to just sit there and see Wade Wilson get bad mouthed. Mild annoyances might be all I’m up to at the moment, but you two’ve got me in your corner, alright?”

“Okay,” Peter says, still unsure of what to make of all this, but then Clint snaps upright and scratches at the side of his head and yawns.

“Welp, that’s all the emotion and sincerity I’m due for today,” He says, stretching and popping out his hearing aids. “Tell Wade I said hey.”

Peter gives him a thumbs up, which Clint nods at before jumping off the side of the tower to what Peter assumes is some kind of safe ledge. He doesn’t hear any crashes or shouting, and he’s seen Clint do way more risky looking maneuvers and come out fine, so he isn’t worried.

“Spidey-pie!” Wade shouts, dropping down onto the roof from seemingly nowhere, startling Peter more than he cares to admit.

“Wade, you scared me,” Peter says, standing up and leaning hard into Wade’s firm body. “Clint says hey, by the way.”

“Oh, rhymes,” Wade purrs. “I’ll tell the purple bird hells-o next time I see him, but not tonight. We’ve got date night, and I’m not about to forfeit that, even for a good ol’ pal like Hawk’s Eye. Wow, and he’s even blonde, too. Not a lot of personality similarities, though, so I guess it’s just the sharpshooting. She did guns, too, and Barton’s way more into the old-fashioned bow and all those Cupid’s arrows aimed towards platonic appreciation, isn’t he?”

“I’ll take you at your word,” Peter says, guiding Wade’s arms around him before leaping off Avenger’s Tower into freefall, catching them about halfway down at the exact second before Wade’s shrieks hit an uncomfortable pitch. “Where to, babe?”

“August fourth!” Wade shouts, and Peter rolls his eyes with enough fondness that his chest clenches, steering them in the general direction of a Mexican place he can remember going to sometime last fall, knowing that Wade will guide him if he goes the wrong way.

Peter’s about 84% of the way through finishing up with his current project, so he’s completely planning on staying overnight to push through and just be done. It absolutely isn’t the first time he’s done it, and he knows it won’t be the last, especially since he’s still doing this after finishing his Master’s six months ago. Beyond that, it isn’t as though he lacks for company in the labs, even at two in the morning.

What is surprising, though, is the company he has tonight. This morning. Whatever, he’s had coffee, but not enough for a worthwhile thought process that isn’t attached to his work.

“‘Sup?” Peter asks, absently, poking a small and obscenely sharp scalpel at tiny filaments.

“Do I have to do small talk before I say the important thing?” Dr. Banner asks. “Because I’m still not good at that.”

“Nope,” Peter says. “Get real, Dr. Banner. I live with Deadpool, I gave up small talk a long time ago. Also, I suck at it, too.”

“I’m positive I’ve told you before to call me Bruce,” Dr. Banner says, sounding a bit tired, but when Peter glances up, he’s smiling.

“You’ve got, like, a bajillion PhDs, Dr. Banner. Gonna show some respect. Besides, I like you.” Peter says, setting his small scalpel down, just in case this conversation requires actual mental fortitude.

“Seven PhDs, actually.” Dr. Banner says.

“Dude, it’s two in the morning and I’m doing science. I respect you, but not enough to remembers details at two in the morning when I’m doing science.” Peter says, leaning heavily into the lab table.

“It’s five thirty,” Dr. Banner says, looking a bit concerned.

“Oh,” Peter says. “Well, that’s cool. So what’s up?”

“Um,” Dr. Banner says, showcasing off his finely honed communication skills. “I heard about Wade and SHIELD.”

“Did he do something recently?” Peter asks, trying to go back through the past month or so and recall Wade saying anything particularly odd that could’ve been translated to ‘I blew up a SHIELD helicarrier because I wanted to test a new cocktail of explosives’ if someone Not-Wade had said it.

“Not that I know of, but probably,” Dr. Banner says. “Just sort of judging by his usual - anyway, no, I meant what you said during your interview.”

“Oh, that,” Peter says. “SHIELD sucks. No offense, Dr. Banner, I know they’re what keeps you and your research going smoothly, but I’m not a fan.”

“Neither am I, if I’m being honest,” Dr. Banner says. “But Asgardian research grants aren’t really a thing, and the research I do is important enough to be worth dealing with a clearly corrupt and dangerous agency.”

“I’m betting that having a boyfriend who’s a literal god and could kick SHIELD’s collective ass doesn’t hurt,” Peter notes, which makes Dr. Banner flush faintly and nod.

“That, too. But you are right, is the point, specifically about how they treat Deadpool. I don’t know him personally, but I know you well enough after working with you for this long to trust your judgement of him. I’ve seen how much he helps you with, um, with your mental state.”

“He gets it,” Peter says, simply, not quite sure if he’s making sense but very sure that he’s tired and probably isn’t going to end up finishing his project tonight. This morning. Seriously, whatever.

“I can see that,” Dr. Banner smiles, again. “I just wanted to let you know that, while this is technically a SHIELD facility, you and Deadpool are supported by Thor and me, which Thor said, loudly, to some of the SHIELD staff who were talking about revoking your access to the building.”

“Oh, shit,” Peter says. “Whoa, thanks Dr. Banner. That’s. I didn’t know that was happening, though I should’ve guessed, probably, but anyway, thanks so much, jesus, that’s really good of you guys.”

“I like to think we get it,” Dr. Banner says, a bit wryly, which makes Peter laugh.

“Yeah, I think you do,” Peter says. “Now, not that this hasn’t been a great talk, but I’m gonna call my boyfriend to pick me up, now, because I don’t think I’m actually conscious enough to get home on my own.”

“You have friends in all directions,” Wade murmurs, the rumbling in his chest making Peter sigh softly, leaning further into him.

“We both do,” Peter says, taking his volume cues from Wade. “They see you. They might not know you like I do, but not everyone on the outside pretends you’re unmanageable.”

“So I’m hearin’,” Wade says. “Nice to be appreciated.”

“You deserve it,” Peter says, leaning up to kiss him. Wade returns the kiss, but keeps it soft, gentle, unhurried.

“Deservin’ ain’t a part of lovin’,” Wade says against his lips. Peter hums his assent and leans back in, savoring the taste of his concrete happiness.

#my-writing #spideypool #writing commissions #marvel fanfiction #spiderman x deadpool #peter parker/wade wilson

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sole-cuore-amore-e-droga · 5 years

Text

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Estonia to Eurovision with a lowkey tribute to Avicii soundwise I guess

youtube

I’m not one of those people to go all their way out to overdefend Eesti Laul as “THE most diverse NF to ever exist songwise”, but even I was disappointed in this sudden rush of radiofriendly pop music that I would rather refuse to describe if I had to endure any of them ever again all at once this year. Remember - Netta won with being CRAZY! Why can’t Estonia be CRAZY even more! Was this secretly a bigger demand from the new producers or so that Estonia would need to out-radiofriendly the Latvians whose goal actually was to find a good radiofriendly song that’s enough for qualification????

Also, I kind of wanted to watch Eesti Laul, but I haven’t really settled with it, as I didn’t have enough patience to watch it one time it wasn’t on Saturday (!!). Even with Eesti Laul usually taking the live tweets from foreign fans into account and displaying some of them on the national Estonian television for good measure. And often showcasing their weirdness through crude animations every so often. But I already saw my Twitter timeline being full of that stuff, and for that I’m happy.

I did have some favourites despite being tired of all this pop stuff, and one of them was the ever-so-gender-ambiguous INGER (I say so cuz I thought it was a guy, turns out it’s a she, yeah), and I kind of wanted to see her win after the lowkey last minute interest towards her? But the televote didn’t seem to want any of it during the final public say, and didn’t even want Kerli (not the Spirit Animal Kerli) through despite of her being “hot” (are we now choosing ESC NF winners based on their looks??? tighten up ffs). Instead the final’s televote thought it’d be a good idea to fuck up the international jury’s expectations by putting through an act that got 2(!!!!!) finalised points from them jurors overall and making it win the superfinal. That televote 12 the act got beforehand was just enough for the guy to last-minute qualify over another act of 14 overall points, and who knows, maybe if it wasn’t for that 12, the winner would’ve been someone else. But it didn’t and we have a last minute qualifier victory because televote superfinal is a thing.

And in the literal sense of the way Estonian minds thought their victor that was unfairly treated by the juries was a Swedish singer Victor Crone and his song “Storm”, which was written by the one and only Stig Rastafarian~ err I mean Rästa. Stig is one mythical human creature that never rests a minute without really wanting to appear in the Estonian delegation somewhere every year - whether as all by himself, with someone else, as a songwriter for someone else, or even as part of a band (remember Traffic, anyone? Now that I think of it, the whole band looks like a puppet-act just for Stig to get to Eurovision and the other band members didn’t even want any of it in the first place). Just exactly what is Stig’s aim here? To "take it back to Tallinn”? To meet new people in Europe because he’s too lazy to travel otherwise? To boast about the many Estonian entries he contributed to? Beats me.

That and Victor Crone being Swedish, therefore a man more suited to Melodifestivalen (where he actually once participated in) and only on Eesti Laul because Stig really wanted to save his voice for this one and tag some randomer along with him just for the sake of yearly input to Eesti Laul. Well, at least Victor is historically joining Sahlene and Sandra Oxenryd as “a Swede represending Estonia for a year because what do we know for the Estonians that weren’t chosen instead”. Let’s check his song out.

First and foremost, as the title obviously states, the song reminds me of the late Avicii’s music style, especially around 2012-2013, when he was just starting to get bigger post-”Levels”-release. Just with a bit more singing surrounding the song because... well, maybe to fill up the song some more in order to not look awkward on stage during an instrumental part of the drop being as long as would be one you hear on the radio.

Then he has this easy-listening generic male radio voice that the audiences can not necessarily reasonate with, but it’s memorable, together with the chorus, whose purpose is to be memorable - you don’t need no message that’s special, you just need a melody to hum in your head for the next few weeks, and that’s basically what Stig was able to achieve with this little ditty. Then there’s the amazingly easy song structure: verse - chorus - verse - (extended) chorus - bridge - chorus (+ song ending). That’s a structure that works on basic songs to make them more user-consumption-friendly and not too overbearingly dragged out. And I enjoy it, just like I did “Light Me Up” last year, which was also sung by a mediocre-live-vocalist-Swede that could have easily ended up 6th in Melodifestivalen edition with such song, sadly. I do acknowledge that it’s basic, but I enjoy it.

The problem the Eurofandom finds with this song is that it’s too basic of a song from Eesti, Victor’s proven himself to be a dull live singer, and the chorus rhymes “like this” with “like this”, and all the self-rhymes are automatically shite. And it’s fine if a song I like has its flaws, but it automatically worries me that its live potential is automatically down the drain because of the singer’s lack of vocal compassion or strenght. That begs the question, why choosing THAT kind of song if it’s totally going to underperform live in Eurovision if the singer wasn’t sick in the NF at the time???

...oh I get it now, you Estonians must have thought Stig deserves another year in the Estonian greenroom. Or you found Victor hot. Or you find it great that a song about a storm actually was originally staged to look like Victor’s in a storm. At least for the televiewers’ eye. Because all that they see in the real arenas is the singers’ backs if they don’t turn around in time.

With visuals like these, why even need a music video! (except that there already is one, look at the beginning of the review)

All in all, all condiments are there: just the sugar, spice and everything nice there’s needed for a song like this to break a fandom like this. You can practically smell the Hesburger grease from this song. I don’t care if that’s a bad thing - if you like the song, that’s fine, just shut up and enjoy... but if you dislike it, welp, there’s no way I can change your mind then.

And a random backing singer. Not that she’s helpful as the one for Ott Lepland or anything, she just strikes like thunder and leaves no lasting impact whatsoever.

Greta Salóme’s imaginary cousin, is that you????

Now excuse me while I contradict and repeat myself some more in the next few paragraphs:

Approval factor: As you might have seen me shading Elina a lot last year, I can safely say that at last I’m spared from her vocal practice entrapped in a porcelain-and-silk dressing!!! I like “Storm” myself so I’ll sheepishly approve the hell out of it, lolol. :-)

Follow-up factor: I would be lying if I didn’t say that after a risky-ish way to get all out opera and then coming back to a safe song after doing well with that opera number weren’t a complete nosedive into an empty pool. Subjectively it flows way better for me, but objectively, and the same could be, once again, said for Eesti Lawl [sic] 2019, it is rather interesting of a letdown? But hey, maybe it was finally time for the Estonians to chillax a bit and cave in to send an Estonian-Swedish pop number after the opera stuff, after the 80s synthpop stuff, after the smooth and slightly orchestrated and a little bluesy number, and heart-grabbing ballads... just so they could keep up their ‘variety’ in case Hungary runs out of ideas and starts sending cop-outs of themselves. They already did it with rehashing one artist and one lyrical idea already this year (the catch is that the father’s alive!), honestly. And oddly enough, they have yet to send something a little more modern/electro-influenced that appeals to the common crowd... (”Running” may not count because not everyone can relate, whereas there are more cases of broken-off love (as if in the other half being a heartbreaker or the first half missing the other half so much that they feel “incomplete” than abusive fathers. Just what I think there is? If I’m wrong I obviously expect to be @’ed in the replies section lol) For this conclusion though I’ll say that my opinion says it’s a ‘’’decent’’’ follow up, but for Eurofans, it’s not very much so of such, idk.

Qualification factor: you may think it’s dead while going to perform in between the more badass entries AND mediocre live vocals, but it won’t at least be the worst Stig entry to ever place - around 14th in the semi at the very worst and maybe in the lower half of top 10 at very best imo. Nothing more, nothing less.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

I actually barely even bother with Eesti Laul since they don’t accept my Twitter comments live on their television anyways. Say, were there any Twitter comments live on their television this year? No one on Twitter boasted about it if they saw theirs from what I’ve seen, but what I’ve definitely found from the eager Eesti Laul watchers were some casual and usual Estonian oddities thrown on the broadcast, such as:

• The soft and warm but also random and deranged yearly transitional postcard animations (that were refered to as “crude” earlier in this review), which I commonly know now as “my last two braincells”. Even if the graphical theme itself of this year’s Ee-Lawl were oddly-shaped birds coming out in forms of letters, they didn’t really show up much in the broadcast I suppose, and the best fuckery with my mind this year definitely happened when I saw some of THOSE pop up on my Twitter timeline:

We now return to your regularly scheduled news programm~ wait why are you saying that the scheduled programme should be Eesti Laul

• Even if the most acts themselves weren’t that kooky musically, they were obviously interesting performance-wise. We were greeted with an impulsively quirky crazy cat lady Kaia Tamm who bemoaned the absence of the fluffy creatures in German somehow (you know Germany’s a terrible track-record keeper when the only song in German this year featured on Estonia and the only German in Eurovision this year was gonna be sung by an Ukrainian entrant if she was alowed to), as if a song in full Italian from last year wasn’t enough. Not only did she dress up as Alice in Wonderland with kitty ears, but her costumed dancers were entertaining, the violinist was FIRE and a cute large teddy bear looked cute on stage. Not to mention, someone have rightfully noticed that some costumed felines in the audience looked like as if they were to kill someone:

• Lumevärv too is an interesting thing. Never forgetting Lumevärv. This Inga woman, the fiery orangehead she was, used her 3 minutes on stage the best possible way with dancing with her back turned on at the audience and only looking at the camera, while millions of lights (which is sadly not what the songtitle "Milline päev" means) shone in the audience, creating an amazing mood.

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• Hey everyone, the 10 years challenge is back! This time it’s with the violin virtuousess(???) Sandra Nurmsalu, the lead of Urban Symphony, who deserved much more than a 3rd place. Unfortunately the Estonians did not bring her back to get her desired revenge, which meant that they thought that they woodn’t need no magic tale fairy that’d grant them tree wishes and let her magic wand our out the wondrous [sic] sawdust. I’m already seeing myself out for how terrible this sounded. And it’s a bit saddening about this not doing as well as some hoped, considering she would have brough out the new and the better Jacques Houdek teas:

• Other favourite act of mine from this year, besides the aforementioned “ever-so-gender-ambiguous-looking INGER” with her indie-folk jingle “Coming Home”, was the charming disco-haired Sissi Nylia Benita with a wholesomely radio bop “Strong”, and they both actually looked like they stood a chance in the superfinal vote-up now that the actual Eesti Laul fan favourites, pretty cute pop boys like piano-indie-pop-driven Stefan and electro-pop-and-Kirkorov-driven Uku Suviste, were not receiving enough support by the juries I guess??? I’ll show a video to INGER if anything and link you all to the rest so you could judge these young and beautiful souls to yourselves in a way!

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• Other note-worthy acts include another song about the notorious instrument horsefly in Ee-Lawl’s history that stood even less chance than “Parmupillihullus” but is still fun regardless, and the united forces of Tanja (EE 2014) and Birgit (EE 2013) trying to compose a bigband talk show anthem and dedicating the lyrics for them being ladies with their high heels out on. And honestly, that’s all I’m gonna talk of acts-wise because most other songs were THAT of a radiofriendly-radio-filler that they don’t warrant anything else exciting for me to say.

• No but for real, the voting to the superfinal was completely off-rails. Instead of Victor, juries were there to support that Kerli woman that wasn’t from 2017 (and her soft acoustic song too), as well as Sissi and INGER (but you already know that because I barely read my write-ups before I finish them, hence lots of redundancy). At least that’s all to my knowledge. But everything definitely changed when the televote attacked! And turned the top 3 all male, lol. This voting was rather random simply because the juries didn’t really love Victor, but it definitely took the televote to convince them that “lol Victor is definitely worth of Eurovision!!! screw that he’s non-Estonian!!!” (the difference is that Victor doesn’t have a big social media following unlike Bilal and didn’t win an obnoxiously people-powered talent show unlike USNK from A Dal 2018 - it’s just that he’s more backed by Stig Rästa, and Stig is love, Stig is life.) Honestly, I am all up for unpredictable voting, but if it looks unpleasant to me, then I feel like tuning out.

We’re over with this write-up, thank-fuck-fully, so that you won’t need to hear me lamenting how supposedly cheap “Storm” is ever again. But before that I will have to leave you with some Eurovision 2019 facts coming on: Estonian delegation can be lucky for once - instead of having had to panic for spending an egregious amount of money for a staging detail, this year they don’t have to worry, as the organizers were so shook by Victor’s stormy sky effect, they offered to pay for it themselves!!! Crazy, huh??? (reported for favouritism)

And now I’m done. And we’re moving on to another review and I end up wishing Victor Crone the every best of luck out there. Storm out with a good time well spent! (Whatever that might mean.)

#eurovision 2019 #tel aviv 2019 reviews #estonia 2019 #victor crone #storm #estonia

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tae-kun · 6 years

Text

Untitled- Chapter 1: Judgement pt2

Damien: WHAT THE HELL! THIS IS NOT FUNNY!!!

Angie: Woah woah woah. no need for yelling my guy. i mean this is Your Judgement. You’re literally doing this to yourself

Damien: What the hell does that even mean?!

Angie: *looking around* I honestly don’t think i have the time to explain all that to be honest

Angie: Seems like you have some serious conflictions going on my guy, buuut you definitely seem to have a decision made. You just need to fully accept it so we can speed this up

Damien: Accept what?! Going to Hell?

Angie: yup you guessed it

Damien: Why would i accept that! I don’t belong in Hell!!

Damien: I did good! I prayed, i helped people i even... i even...

Damien: Why can’t i remember everything?!

Angie: Well in here you only remember what’s necessary and what you Truly believe

Angie: You were about to tell a lie. A lie that you would commonly tell which is why you can remember parts of it. But a lie isn’t something you truly believe so you can’t remember all of it

Angie: *opens a book on the Podium and searches*

Angie: oo oo see look it *opens the book wide to shows Damien a page* seee Compulsive Liiieeerrr

Damien: no... no there’s no way...

Angie: Dude it’s clear as day *brings book back and continues to read* hmm overly aggressive... repressed and denial of emotions... abuse... sheesh

Damien:

Angie: Over Sexualization... Manipulation... Theft... Violence towards others... Greed...whats this here

Angie: Racism!? Colorism!? Nigga you’re Black!? Your Mom and Father was Black.

Angie: Like do you know the population of darker skins in... like you’re all the same species... like why... who??

Damien: Look ok im sorry! I didn’t mean todo anything i did.. I didn’t know!!

Angie: Bruh come on now. Humans are born with the ability to know right from wrong. How you’re raised can twist and confuse what you might see as good or bad

Angie: But deep down you know the truth. you definitely lived long enough to know what you were doing

Angie: Denial is held up by Excuses and Self Ignorance. And as you can see we hold no corners for that here *smiles*

*The Deterioration Speeds ups, The Room Itself Starts To Feel Cold*

Damien: *puts his head in hands, kneels and begins to panic* I don’t wanna disappear.. I don’t want to go to hell... I don’t want to die....

Angie: *looking down at him* But you don’t truly believe that you should be in Heaven either. All the things you did, all the people you hurt.. You Knew Better.

Damien: *beginning to tear up* i did, i did know better! i was just... i don’t know.. how could i have known... i thought it was ok... i thought i was taught right... i though... i thought....

*The Deterioration Stops for a second, Then continues to Grow*

Angie: Hmm...

Angie: Tell me something Damien

Angie: Do You Love Yourself?

Damien: Do i..love...myself..

Damien: I don’t... i don’t know... *picks his head up and looks at Angie*

*The Deterioration Stops*

Angie: Hmm.. interesting *opens book again*

Angie: *takes a deep breath*

Damien: What?.. What is it??

Angie: A blood donor! Why didn’t you just tell me that from the start?

Damien: Huh?.. what are you talking about?

Angie: You’re a Blood Donor. Says it right here

Angie: Seems like you save a lot of lives because of that. How could you go to Hell when you have so many people that would love to thank you

Damien: *whipping his eyes* so does that mean im going to be ok?

Angie: *hovers over to him and grabbing his hands and helping him up* Of course you’re going to be ok *hugs him*

Angie: You’re going to be just fine *pulls back and smiles*

*The Golden Gates Begin To Open*

Damien: So does that mean i get to go to heaven

Angie: I guess so

Damien: *Hugs Angie again* Oh My God.. Thank You, Thank You so much

Angie: i didn’t do anything, believe me when i say there is still a lot more for you

Damien: What do you mean?

Angie: It wouldn’t mean anything if i told you know would it?

Damien: I guess...

Damien: So now what?

Angie: Now you walk past those gates and find your Happiness *smiles*

Damien: ok.. *lets go of Angie and begins to walk past the gate*

Angie: Oh and one more thing Damien

Damien: *turns around and looks and Angie* Yea?

Angie: Whether in Heaven or Hell, Truth or Ignorance, you will find your Peace or you will find Silence

Damien: Huh?

*A Bright Light Flashes Taking Damien To Paradise*

Angie: *looks at The Gold Gate* Humans really need to be more creative about these gates..

Angie: This will be interesting surprise for many

Angie: But what would heaven be without any

*Angie vanishes along side The Room*

The End of Chapter 1

Thank you all for reading 😬

sorry i had to break this into 2 parts... i had to for the gifs...

This is my first time doing something like this so sorry if it seems too wordy or not as funny as the preview i made last week 😅. I’m trying to build everything up properly so this can be something suspenseful, funny, and educational, while still bring in some interesting concepts to give you guys a new twist on things to keep in interesting.

The Name of the story is “Untitled” because i want to secure the actual name first before anyone steals my idea. So for now it’s called Untitled. if this is good enough for y’all i’ll just put this on WattPad or some other reading platform so future chapters won’t take up you’re dashes too much, plus it’ll be on a main platform to do more with. Like i’ll only post preview of the chapters with the link to the main site

or if y’all want to keep them here just tell me, doesn’t matter too much to me

THE HYPE CREATORS:@jinkies-im-black @pendent123 @wanderlustlovechild @b-th3light @lemonysnicketysnacks @cjtolduso @rosellajosephphotos @nixie-319 @battleforthecity @briaarirose @tank-knows @sirlovett @jxvongabxn @xw2-ch @sweettea-and-honeybutter @mellowjellow6 @shakespearedidnothavecumsh0ts @rollerworldisbonkers @jayteesee @lovelykladyk @brianabreeze @eca-law2 @brie-cheeze @cinnabearice @lovethemagicthatisee @misspooh @niggarachi15 @majestic-gee-melanin @liddolalliah @hau-ghty @caramelbunn @stainlessstill @dadinhas-heat @wakandamama @ashleychristina73 @terrablaze514 @beautifulbeckii @mattiekins @aria725 @lostthoughtssince98 @midknyghtwolf @xxi-twentyone @lashaysaurusrex @rosethorn213 @funkdawg99 @shasunshine @datbwanglis @fatboyyogi @allinhishands @therollinstoner @orenthaljane @kittyslove @carringtonhardin @honeyglowingupbeautiful-official @chasingsunlight @1-800-issabae @lisztisjusthere @17mul @tumblytunes @shinyanchorface

THANK YOU ALL FOR HYPING ME UP. But if this is trash just know i place responsibility on y’all. Y’all asked for it so this is how it’s gon be lol

But seriously thank you guys for even showing interest enough to want more. I’m trying to take this project seriously so as long as y’all want it i’ll keep making them until the end.

Also let me know if you want me to keep tagging y’all. I do these chapters every Friday soooo you could just cut that notification on for me and save me time

just putting that out there.. plus i rarely upload too soo any content you see from me is my own stuff, unless im showing support to someone.

But hey, if you wanna get tagged instead thats cool too.

If you guys have any suggestions like the length of the story, or questions on about me or the story just send a ask. I answer most of them on weekends or randomly.

Thank You all once again and i hope to see some good feedback 😬👍🏾

#me

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