#forcing myself to get outta bed and eat something; I can’t let myself fall into bad habits just cause Im stressed over nothing and depressed

[citricacidprince]

[Walks in heavily panting and covered in blood] I need to eat something

[winterscaptain]

absence.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader a joyful future fic

a/n: the next installment is here! this is the second-to-last piece in the berry hill section of a joyful future. as it has been lately, this one requires little ajf context, but i would recommend reading berry hill and waldosia, if you haven’t already. (thanks to aimz @ssaic-jareau, kira @good-heavens-chris-evans, and sabina @writefasttalkevenfaster) edit: this has been heavily revised as of april 29th, 2021. the changes and additions address continuity errors and ongoing subplots. 

words: 7k (prev. 3.8k) warnings: language, vomit mention, really accurate satellite phone protocol (eat your heart out, cm writers), beard!hotch, jack hotchner content, one last slow burn

summary: “absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great” - roger de bussy-rabutin. au!march-september 2011

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | ajf faq | taglist | what do you want to see next? updated: april 29th, 2021

There’s a moment where he stops at your desk on the way out of the bullpen, but you just stare at him. He opens his mouth as if to speak, then closes it. After a moment, he finally says, “Jack is with Jessica tonight.” 

You have no idea what your face looks like, but it’s enough to drop his shoulders and send him on his way, defeated.

+++

You let yourself into his apartment, slamming the door behind you. He’s been waiting for you, leaning against the windowsill across from the door. 

“How dare you.”

He sighs and presses a hand to his forehead. “You have to understand that I -”

“Bullshit, Aaron. I don’t have to understand a goddamn thing. What are you thinking? We need you.” 

His head tips up, and he looks through you. The haunted look in his eyes almost makes you falter - it so acutely reminds you of the days following Haley’s death - but you keep your resolve. He doesn’t say anything, just lets you yell at him until it's out of your system. You could never actually hate him and he knows that, which makes some of it easier, but not all of it. 

The tears start and pick up speed as you continue, nearly at a shout. “You've known for seven months that you were going to leave for Pakistan. I read the brief. Seven. Fucking. Months, Aaron. Since September, you’ve known and you didn’t tell us about the task force assignment in fucking Pakistan!” 

You pause, but the final nail in his proverbial coffin leaves your mouth without permission. “Emily died, and you’re still leaving?” He flinches. “You’re leaving me and Jack. You’re leaving our team. I never thought you could do something like that to us. Maybe them, but not me. Never to me. I mean, after everything we’ve -” You cut yourself off and raise the back of your hand to your mouth, unable to finish the unbearably painful thought.

He’s not sure which part is the most painful - the fact that you list yourself with Jack instead of with the BAU, the fact that you say ‘our team,’ or the tone that drips with hurt. The sob that rips through your chest breaks his heart. He leans heavily against the arm of his couch, knocked down by the weight of your tears. 

No. The hardest part is knowing he deserves it, that you aren’t saying anything that isn't unfair or untrue. 

“I can’t even look at you right now.” 

He can only watch you as you walk back out, leaving the door open behind you. 

About twenty minutes later, he receives a text.

9:34pm I’ll be there tomorrow at 12:30 to take you to base. Be ready when I get there. 

He crawls into bed about half an hour later, and receives another text.

10:05pm Goodnight. 

Fuck. 

+++

The ride to base ride is mostly silent, and you know something’s wrong. It’s nothing you can articulate or even really put your finger on, but it’s something bigger than just his imminent absence.

He’s boarding a C-130 supply transport with a few Marines and various agency task force members to an outpost in Pakistan. It will no doubt be a long and deeply uncomfortable flight. His go bag, packed with desert fatigues and a couple of creature comforts, looks smaller than usual at his feet. 

“How long?”

He sighs and shakes his head. “Task force operations are need-to-know.” There’s so much he can’t tell you, and it eats at him. Because it’s you, and he’s been an ass, he concedes a little. “Probably a couple of months.”

“We’ll be okay, Aaron.” 

A little laugh leaves him, and it pulls a smile from you. 

“What?”

“Remember when you chased me down last night to tell me the team couldn’t do this without me?” 

You roll your eyes. “It’s still true, but we’ll manage. We always do.” There’s a moment of silence, and you continue. “And you’re going where you’re needed. That helps.” 

It’s true. Your anger had cooled (just a little) overnight, and you decided you didn’t want to be upset with him when he leaves. 

You already miss him. 

“Don’t think I’m not still mad at you.”

He looks out the window, and you can hear the wheels turning in his head. Jack is on his mind, and so are you. There’s nothing more nauseating than the thought of leaving you while you’re still hurting from Emily’s loss. “I know.” 

Why are you going through with this, Hotchner?

Oh, right. You’re a coward. 

“I just don’t want our last conversation before you leave to be a fight.” You sniff, but don’t look at him as you continue driving down the highway. 

I am perhaps the most undeserving man on the planet. 

He says, “Thank you. I don’t want that either,” but he hopes you can hear what else he can’t say. 

I love you. I’m sorry. 

+++

“Alright, you’ve got everything you need?” You stand next to him on the tarmac, shading your eyes from the sun. 

Aaron hikes his bag higher on his shoulder. “Think so. You gonna be alright?”

You nod and reach for him. He embraces you, tucking his head into your shoulder. “You be safe, Aaron Hotchner. If you die out there I’ll kill you myself.” 

He chuckles, and you hope the sound is enough to keep your heart from breaking too much over the next couple of months. Your eyes close as he presses a kiss to your cheek. “I’ll check in when I can.”

Shoving against his chest, you turn him around and push him toward the plane. “Get outta here.” 

He takes one last look over his shoulder when he reaches the loading ramp and offers you a wave. You return it. 

+++

You manage to get to the highway before the tears start. The only person you want to talk to is Emily. She’d know exactly what to say, and she’d make sure your days off were full of fun and good company. You pull off on the side of the road, your head falling into your hands, sobs wracking through you.

When you’re able to keep driving, your chest hurts beyond belief. 

Without her, these months seem to stretch before you forever. 

+++ april 2011 +++

It’s not the first time you’ve ended up in his office alone, but it’s the first time you’ve really noticed the evidence of his absence. 

The picture frames on his desk started gathering dust, so you brought a little duster to the office. His desktop computer has stopped making noise, so you turned it on and off once out of pity. His phone hardly rings, unless it's the NSA trying to get a hold of one of you for a sat phone call, so you and Morgan take turns taking forwarded calls. 

The silence is overwhelming and seems to pull something intangible from you. It’s exhausting. 

“When’s the last time you slept?” 

You turn, finding Penelope in the doorway. You’re not sure how long she’s been there, watching your acquiescence to the bees that seem to have invaded your brain in the last couple of weeks. 

“I slept last night,” you tell her. It’s not technically a lie. 

She doesn’t look impressed. “Did you sleep through the night, or are you just trying to play one of your Jedi mind tricks on me?” 

With a sigh, you cop to it. “No, I didn’t sleep through the night.” You look out the window to the bullpen, and you know she sees something on your face. 

“I don’t like it either.” She looks over her shoulder, finding Spencer and Ashley playing a game of Go on the desk. Unsurprisingly, Spencer’s winning. Rossi and Derek speak quietly by the little kitchen, looking just about as tired as you feel. 

The short-handedness is getting to you. “There’s just…” You search for something to say. “There’s just so much to do.” 

Penelope looks back. Her mouth twists. “And we’re down a couple’a hands.” 

That’s an understatement. 

+++

“I would understand if you needed some time to think about it.” Erin leans forward in her chair, elbows on her desk. “With your team cut in half, even I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending you to another unit without some time to train a replacement or two.” 

“Or three,” you add.

She looks at you and nods. “Exactly.” 

You pick up the letter from the Special Agent in Charge in Los Angeles. You’d be his right hand - essentially the liaison between operational support divisions and units operating in the field. It’s a hell of an opportunity, a huge promotion, and a significant bump in pay. 

“Can I take you up on the offer to think about it?” You slide the letter across the desk again. 

Her eyes are soft, and you almost feel close to her in that moment. “Of course. Take your time. It’s a position created just for you, so there’s nobody else in line for it.” 

“Thanks.” 

+++ may 2011 +++

“Ready or not, here I come!” You call across the apartment, sneaking through the familiar rooms with practiced ease. 

Aaron’s been away for close to a month, and you’ve settled into a routine. Cases, of course, keep you busy. Derek’s rather good at playing unit chief - decisive and collaborative - but you miss Aaron’s steady, even hand. 

Really, you miss everything about him. You try not to think about him too much. 

You fail, often. 

Avoiding thoughts of Aaron gets even harder as you creep into the master bedroom. The smell of him hasn’t left. Past the doorway, the air is spicy, masculine, and warm. You squint at the bed. One of the pillows moves, just a little, and you pounce, pulling the covers back and grabbing the wiggling pillow. 

Jack screeches and throws himself at you. You catch him and fall back on the bed, laughing. “I found you!”

Jess is off running errands for the afternoon, taking some well-earned time off. You’ll more than likely spend the night over here tonight to give her more of her weekend. It’s never any trouble to stay with Jack. You adore each other. 

Usually, Jack leaps right to his feet for another round, but he stays put after his fit of mirth passes, sprawling across your chest. 

“What are you thinking about over there?”

He sighs, and brings his little hands under his chin, propping his head up so he can look at you. He’s six (and then some), now - still very much a boy - but the pensive look on his face starkly reminds you of his father. “When’s Dad going to be home?”

You push some hair off his forehead. “I’m not sure, my love. I’m hoping it’s only a couple more weeks, but it could be a little longer than that.” 

He sighs, and it breaks your heart a little. You turn on your side, and he curls into you, resting his head on your arm and tucking under your chin. “Are you and my dad best friends? I have a best friend named Connor and he says best friends are really important and I was just wondering.”

You laugh a little. “Yeah, I think so. Your dad and I have known each other for a long time.” His little hands play with the collar of your shirt. There’s more to his question. Jack’s just like his dad and takes a bit of ferreting out. Luckily, you’ve had plenty of practice. “What are you curious about, little bug?”

“Do you miss Dad?”

A track of Aaron’s laugh, his smile, the way his arms feel around you flies through your head. “Yeah, I miss him a lot.” 

“I’m happy you’re here so we can miss him together.” You can almost hear Aaron’s voice in Jack’s. It sounds just like something he would say, and probably has said, talking to his son about Haley.

“Me too, buddy.” You kiss the top of his head. “Me too.” 

Jess returns about an hour later, groceries in-hand, to find you and Jack curled together in Aaron’s bed, snoozing the afternoon away. She snaps a picture with her phone, saving it in an album she keeps for Aaron. After she puts the groceries away, she escapes, leaving a note. 

You’re on your own tonight and tomorrow. Have a good time with breakfast - he’s been picky lately. 

XO, Jess

+++

“You know,” Jess says, a little out of the blue one afternoon. “Haley told me something once.” 

You snort. “I’d imagine she told you a great number of things.” 

“Well, sure. But I mean about you and Aaron.” 

It’s pretty stupid that your body decides to panic over absolutely nothing. If this was a polygraph, you’d fail outright. And yet, nothing’s happened between you and Aaron. You’re just friends. 

Yeah but you love him. 

And he probably loves you, too. 

But we're all to chickenshit for that.

What a-fucking-bout it?

You take a little breath and a sip of your tea. “Oh?” You hope the query sounds casual enough and doesn’t give away the cool sweat blossoming over your palms. 

Luckily, Jess isn’t a profiler. 

“Haley told me - and this was the summer before she died, so it’s not like she told me under duress or anything - that she thought there may have been something between you and Aaron after the divorce.” 

She says that like it’s the simplest thing. You’re not sure what to say, so you keep your eyes on the grain of the coffee table, tracing the lines with your eyes. Eventually, you decide to answer in the simplest, most honest way possible. 

“There’s never been anything between Aaron and me. He’s one of my best friends and I care about him.” That sounds evasive even to your own ears. “I care about him a lot.” 

Jess hums. “I know, but Haley always had a sense about these things. And she knows Aaron better than anyone.” 

Her slip into the present tense makes your chest pull. 

“I don’t say that to put you on the spot or anything.” She shrugs. “I just think you guys would be good together. You’re good for him and I think he’s good for you, too.” 

She’s more right than she knows, but you can’t think about it for too long. You miss him too much. 

Out of a need to respond, you offer a half-hearted, “Maybe.” 

Jess reaches out. “He’ll be home soon. When he gets back, I think you should at least think about it. Or talk about it.” She shakes her head. “Or something.” 

“I have -” You cut yourself off, not really meaning to share. 

She squeezes your knee. “I know you have. So has he.” 

+++ june 2011 +++

Back to back cases - five of them, to be exact, pull you through the next four weeks by the ear. Formal leadership wears on Derek more and more by the day, and you find yourself making just as many decisions as he does. You’re immensely proud of him, but the whole thing is exhausting. Spencer does his best to slip back into his normal role, but Emily’s loss continues to wear on him. You don’t blame him.

Most days feel held together by duct tape, with you and Rossi acting as the adhesive. All that and the offer in Los Angeles you’ve hardly had time to process. 

Thus, your evening with Jess is both well-earned and much needed. 

“Wanna crash here tonight?” She sets a mug of tea down on the coffee table in front of you and sits heavily back on the couch. “It’s pretty late.”

You check your watch and find it is indeed late. Before you can answer, your phone rings, and you answer it with an apologetic glance toward Jess. “Hey, Morgan. What’s up?”

“We have sat call notification from Hotch. Can you come in?” He sounds exhausted. 

“Yeah, I can be there in twenty. Is everything okay?”

He sighs. “Yeah, looks like a routine check-in.” 

Jess sighs, knowing the drill. She goes to the kitchen and pours your tea into a travel mug. 

“Are you calling anyone else in?”

“Nope. Just you. See you when you get here.” He hangs up. 

You stare at your phone as Jess sits next to you again. “We have a call from Aaron coming in, and I have to head to the office.” She hands you your travel mug, and you take it gratefully. 

“You’re welcome back here - I can set up Aaron’s room for you. We’re a lot closer to the office than your place, and I don’t want you to drive if you’re too tired.” She sets a hand on your knee, and you reach over to embrace her. 

“Thanks, Jess.”

+++

When you arrive, Derek’s already on the phone. “... So, no leads?... Right.” He looks up and catches your eye. “Here, Hotch.”

You take the phone. “Hey.”

“Hi.” He sounds relieved. “Are you doing okay? How’s Jack?”

His questions make you smile. “We’re good. He’s good. I just left the apartment - Jess and I were having some grown-up movie time.”

You’re warmed by his laugh. “Good. Glad to hear it. I was just telling Derek that the leads out here have gone cold, but we’re still working.”

“Ah. Any chance you’ll be home soon?” You avoid Derek’s searching gaze. 

“It doesn’t look that way, no. We’re picking up on some chatter out there, but nothing firm. We’ll have to keep out for a couple more weeks at least.”

Your heart drops, but you hide it as best you can. “Alright. Anything you need from us back here?”

“Just keep doing good work.” You know he can’t say much more than that, with more than a couple of NSA guys in between you on the line, not to mention the archival recording of the call. Even then, you know he means looking for Doyle. “That’s all I need from you.” 

“We can do that.” You give him a quick rundown of some recent cases, all surface-level. You’re mostly stalling, using up incredibly expensive satellite time just to hear his voice. 

You hear him sigh. “Alright, I gotta get back. Tell Jack and Jess I love them.” 

“Of course.” You hand the phone back to Derek and wait while they finish up. Your eyes wander over the volumes of law books in Aaron’s bookshelf, the pictures of Jack and Haley and Jess behind his desk. Wandering over to his chair, you sit down and rest your head on your arms. 

Your eyes wander to a photo taken a year and a half ago at Haley’s service. You’re not sure who took it, but you’re crouched on the ground talking to Jack, while Aaron stands behind him with a hand on his head. Jack's little hands are in yours, and he’s smiling a little. 

Of all the photos to keep on his desk...

Derek hangs up the sat phone and puts it back in the lockbox. He crosses the office and leans against the desk beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder. 

+++

When you get back to the apartment (indeed much closer than your home), Jess is asleep in the guest room, and Jack’s still out like a light. 

You change into your pajamas, stuffed into your go bag, and curl up under the covers on Aaron's side of the bed. His pillow smells faintly like him, and you burrow into it. 

The bed feels far too big and far too cold without him. 

+++

“JJ!” You stand to greet her. “What are you doing here?” 

She holds up her credentials. “I’ve been reinstated as a profiler on temporary assignment, so don’t get too excited. It’s a contingent favor for the FBI and I’m sure the State Department will call to collect sometime soon.” 

You clear your consults and subpoenas off the desk beside you. “Good to have you back.” Looking over at the intimidating stack of files you ask, “Need anything to do?”

+++ july 2011 +++

The next time a sat call comes in, you can’t go into the office. Jack has the flu and is absolutely miserable. You can’t, in good conscience, leave Jess to her own devices. Between the vomit and the sleeplessness and the tears, four hands are absolutely necessary. 

“Derek, I can’t leave. Jack is literally puking his guts out as we speak, and I don’t have any new intel for Hotch.” 

Morgan huffs into the phone. “Come on. You know you’re the only one he actually wants to talk to and the only one who has any actual updates about Jack.” 

“You just have to tell him that I’m up in the middle of the night with his son, who has the flu. Isn’t that enough of an update?” You don’t really mean to snap at him, but the lack of sleep has made you a little punchy. 

“Fine. If he -”

“Yeah, I know. If he gets upset, just blame me. He can deal with me when he’s not in Pakistan. As long as there are five time zones between us, I’ll take my fucking chances.”

“Fair enough.” 

He hangs up, and you return to the hall bathroom, where Jack’s cheek is pressed against the toilet seat, his forehead clammy and face pale. Jess is taking her turn to sleep - you’ll switch off in an hour. 

“Hey, bubba.”

He mumbles something that sounds like, “Hi.”

“Can I get you some crackers or maybe some Sprite?” 

Jack shakes his head and lifts himself up, holding his arms out. The risk of illness far from your mind, you gather him up and lean against the cabinets, rubbing his back.

“Can you try to close your eyes for me?”

“I don’t feel good.” There are a few tears in his voice, and it breaks your heart a little. You’ve so been there. 

“I know, baby. I know. Just close your eyes for a minute, okay?”

He does, and his breathing evens out eventually. He’s still feverish, but you’re happy he’s sweating, at least. It could break by morning at this rate. 

The makeshift towel-bed on the bathroom floor looks more than inviting. You gingerly shuffle over and lay down, keeping Jack flat against your chest. 

It’s the best sleep you’ve had in weeks.

+++

“Strauss offered me that transfer to LA again.” 

Derek looks up at you from his report, his brows drawn low over his eyes. “You gonna take it?” 

You heave a sigh. Before you can say anything -

“Yeah, that sounds about right.” He puts his pen down, giving you his full attention. “What’s stopping you?” 

So many things. 

There are only a couple of them you can say aloud. Luckily, they have the benefit of being true, albeit incomplete. “I love this work. I love this team. I don't know if I want to be a lackey for an almost-politician.” 

“And?” 

He’s got you. He knows there’s more because he knows you. Even then, you can’t bring yourself to say exactly what it is that’s holding you back. So, you hedge your answer, knowing he’ll understand. 

“I can’t -” leave Aaron and Jack. You clear your throat. “I can’t leave this team. Maybe that makes me a coward or suggests a lack of adventure or something, but I can’t do it.” 

“It doesn’t,” Derek says. “It makes you human.” 

You smile a little. 

“And for the record, I don’t want you to leave. And I don’t think Jack and Hotch do, either.” 

A little incredulous laugh leaves you. Derek simply smiles, but doesn’t say much else. It makes your point for you. 

Nobody else knows you like this team. 

+++

The hardest days are the ones where you end up by yourself. Derek’s picked up kickboxing with Penelope, Spencer has withdrawn almost entirely, JJ has her family, and Rossi retreats to the cabin by the lake with an alarming degree of regularity. 

Thank God he’s not as cranky as Gideon. 

That would be too spooky. 

Everyone is out of the office, scattered to their respective distractions. You sit on the floor of Aaron’s office, leaning against his desk. Your laptop sits open in front of you, but you’re only half paying attention to the movie playing. 

It was only this afternoon you realized his office smelled more like stale paper, your house, and Tiger Balm than Aaron, and it broke your heart a little. Your only solace was his apartment - the evidence of his existence was inescapable there. With Emily gone for good, you often needed the reminder. 

His office phone rings. You pause the movie, stand, and answer it. 

“Agent Hotchner’s office.” 

NSA is on the other side, dry and professional. “We have an incoming call from Agent Hotchner. Is Agent Morgan available?” 

You tell him he’s not, but that you’re the next in line to receive task force updates. In an equally dry and professional tone, you relay your credentials and your unique intel code. 

“Thank you. Please stand by.” Click. 

You roll your eyes. 

God, they’re boring. 

Sitting down at Aaron’s desk, you wait for the armed guard to arrive with the phone. As per protocol, you’ll sign for the call and remove it from the lockbox yourself. You’ll return it for pickup when the call is completed. 

The guard shows up and you step through the motions, finally getting the phone to your ear. 

“Hey.” 

“Oh, it’s you.” He sounds surprised, but not displeased. 

You laugh a little. “Yeah, it’s me. Morgan’s unavailable at the moment.” 

“I see. Is Jack feeling any better?”

“Yeah. He’s been alright for about a week now. It was a pretty nasty bug, but he’s a trooper. Any new chatter down your way?” You trace the wood grain of his desk with your finger, only a little absent-minded. 

“There’s a little bit of activity on the border. We’re monitoring the situation. Is everything going okay over there?”

“Yeah, for the most part. We’ve been feeling the heat a little since Seaver transferred to Andy’s unit, but we’re managing alright. Dave’s called JJ back in to lend a hand, and she’s doing really well.” 

He hums. “That was a smart idea.” 

“I’ll tell him you said so.” 

“Oh, please don’t. It’ll go straight to his head.” 

You smile. “Fair point. Any updates on the timetable?”

When are you coming home? Please make it soon. 

“Not at the moment. I think we’re getting closer. Few more weeks.” There’s something behind his voice you can’t quite grasp, but you let it go. 

“Alright. Keep us posted.” 

“Will do. You know the drill.” 

“I sure do. I’ll relay the information to the team, tell your son you love him, and talk to you in a couple of weeks.” 

You can almost hear his smile. “Exactly. Talk soon.”

“Be safe, Aaron.” 

“Hey, before you go,” he says. “Can you, um -” 

You smile, tracing the wood grain on his desk. “I’ll tell Haley you said Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks.”

+++

Jess’s hand only shakes a little as she lights the candle and holds the cupcake between the three of you. While she takes care of the cake and begins to sing with Jack, you hold the camera, filming the impromptu party so Aaron can see it when he comes home.

“Okay, Jack you have to help Mom blow out the candle,” Jess says, holding the cupcake in front of him. With a great amount of glee, Jack extinguishes the candle with a big breath and a laugh. 

You turn the camera on Jess, who says, “We couldn't let Haley’s forty-first go unrecognized - she’s officially old and we had to let her know.” 

With a laugh of your own, you turn the camera around and wave before turning it off. 

“Can I eat the cake now?” Jack asks. 

Jess nods, pulling the candle and setting it aside on your picnic blanket. “Of course, but after we eat some fruit, okay? I don’t want the ants to get to the basket before you do.” 

The July sunshine beats down on the three of you, picnicking beside Haley’s resting place. It is, in fact, her forty-first birthday. You can only imagine the look on her face she would have adopt when you reminded her of her age. 

“Oh please,” she’d say. “When you get to be as old as me, you’ll never hear the end of it.” 

Jack sits in the sun, munching on a little apple slice. You reach over, rubbing a little splotch of sunscreen into his skin. He already has a little sunburn from your adventure to the District earlier in the week and you’re not about to make your life even harder. 

Aaron’s absence, even in its fourth month, is glaring. Jack has mostly stopped waking in the middle of the night looking for him and having regular meltdowns, but he always looks up when the front door opens with an expectant look that breaks your heart. He’s an adaptable kid, but months without contact from his father have taken their toll. If you’re honest, it surprised you a little bit. 

With a little bit of perspective, months are different than days, or even a week or two. Jack relies on Aaron more than you realized and the difficulty of helping Jess where you can has only further illuminated your ignorance.

“Will Mom always have a birthday?” Jack asks. 

Jess looks over at him. “What do you mean?”

He thinks for a moment, a little pensive. “I mean, because she’s not here. Do people who aren’t here still have birthdays?” 

“They do,” she replies. “That’s why we have to celebrate for them. They aren’t here, but it’s still special.” 

He nods, a kind of understanding look on his face that makes you think he knows exactly what that means. 

+++

“Yeah?”

You smile. It’s been a minute since you heard his voice, over the phone or otherwise. “Hey, Dr. Reid. How’s Vegas?”

“Hot. But it’s nice to be home.”

“How’s your mom?” You trace aimless patterns over the mat on Aaron’s desk, watching the suede imprint and erase as you go.

He sighs. “She’s alright. I think she’s about ready to kick me out, though.”

“It’s only been three weeks,” you laugh. “Surely you can make yourself useful?”

“I sent in her most recent publication to the journal, so I’ve outgrown my use until I find her a new thesis.”

You can almost see it - the two geniuses, mother and son, bickering over a game of chess or fourteenth-century novel. “Better find her a new thesis, then.”

Spencer’s thin smile is audible through the phone. “Guess so. How are things over there?”

“It’s a little hectic. It’s just me, JJ, Morgan, and Rossi now. Penelope’s still working with us regularly, but counter-terrorism keeps pulling her for ‘special projects,’ whatever that means.”

You don’t mean to guilt him into coming back or anything - you know he needs the time to recharge. He’ll come back when he wants to or feels he needs to but at this point, there’s hardly a difference between four and five agents on the team. You need Aaron. And Emily.

“With the amount of summer task forces coalescing, that doesn’t surprise me.” He pauses. “I’ll probably spend a few more weeks here unless there are any developments between now and then.”

By developments, you know it means any confirmed sighting of your target. “That sounds like a plan. We’ll be glad to have you back but take your time. You’ve more than earned it.”

“Thanks.”

+++ august 2011 +++

“How’s Jack?” 

“He’s doing alright,” you tell him. “He misses you.” 

I miss you.

Aaron sighs. There isn’t time for everything he wants to say, even less for the things he could. “I’m probably going to miss his first day.” 

“That’s what I figured.” It's hard to think about and probably going to be harder than you can imagine, especially if there’s a case that takes you away from home. “Jess will take lots of pictures and I’m sure he’ll be happy to tell you all about it when you get home.” 

It’s hard to keep the bitterness from your voice, but neither one of you could have anticipated this would go on for this long. ‘Over the summer’ seems a little abstract until the end of the summer arrives. 

This isn’t his fault. It isn’t. You know that. 

But it’s his fault for going in the first place. 

Conceptual anger isn’t useful. That’s another thing of which you’re keenly aware. 

And yet…

“Thank you for being there for them,” he says, as if he’s reading your mind. “I know this isn’t easy.” 

There’s nothing you can really say, but you hum anyway. 

The pair of you are just eating satellite time now, so you say goodbye and good luck before tipping your head back against his office chair. 

When the tears slip down your cheeks, you’re not sure if you miss him more than you’re mad at him or the other way around. 

+++

“Chief Strauss?” You knock lightly on her door and she beckons you in, just finishing up a phone call. She gestures to the little sitting area in the corner of her office, and you make yourself comfortable on one of the couches.

She hangs up and joins you. “Have you thought more about the offer?”

“I have. Thank you for your patience. I know it’s been a little while since we first spoke about it.”

Erin waves her hands, brushing off the implied apology. “The BAU’s work in the last few weeks has been exemplary. I’m impressed, especially considering the significant funding and personnel obstacles you’re facing at the moment.”

You laugh a little.  “I hope that doesn’t make anyone think working with this many people is acceptable, ma’am.”

“No,” she assures you. “I’ve made that very clear.”

There’s a small moment of silence before you speak again.

“I won’t be accepting the position in Los Angeles.”

Strauss sighs but doesn’t look surprised. “That’s as I expected. I will, however, add something that I did not share with you before to further inform your choice.”

You sit up a little straighter, a little more attentive.

“The push for a transfer is also in an effort to protect your reputation. I know the BAU has continued investigating Ian Doyle and while that is noble, it could go very wrong. And that much is above my head. DHS, ATF, NSA - they could all be upset by your unofficial involvement. This could go as high as Congress and could result in your permanent termination from the bureau, making you ineligible for work in federal law enforcement.”

“Yes, ma’am. High risk, high reward.” You shrug. “Or at least, that’s what Dr. Reid tells me.”

A wan smile pulls at her mouth. “Yes. As long as you’re comfortable with the consequences.”

“I am, ma’am.”

“Good.”

+++ september 2011 +++

“Alright, buddy! You ready to go?” 

Jack adjusts the straps on his little backpack while Jess finishes putting his lunch together. “I’m ready. Just need lunch.” 

“It’s right here!” Jess says, bringing his Captain America lunchbox to him and strapping it to the outside of his backpack. “You’ve got a ham and cheese sandwich, a juice box, some carrots, and a brownie. Does that sound okay?” 

He nods. 

“And if it’s not enough, we can always get some more food after school okay? It can be a special treat.” 

Jack grins and you all head off to the car together. 

+++

The little meltdown arrives when you and Jess move to leave him at the door of his classroom. Jack’s brown eyes get wide and rapidly fill with tears as soon as you take a step away from him. 

“Jack, baby, c’mere.” You drop to your knee and open your arms. He steps into them and you can feel his shaky, hiccuping breaths against your shoulder. 

While you hold him, you hear Jess debriefing his new teacher about their current situation, and the way things are in general. Dad in Pakistan, dead mom, goes by Jack rather than Jonathan, the whole nine. 

“You are so brave,” you whisper into his hair. “You are so smart. You are a good friend and you are safe.” 

He nods. 

“I’m so sorry your dad can’t be here, honey, but he’s going to be so excited to hear all about it as soon as he gets home. And I'll tell him how brave you are on our next secret superhero phone call.” 

‘Secret superhero phone call’ was the best way you could describe using the sat phone (and why Jack couldn't talk to Aaron himself) so you just went with it. 

Jack nods again, sniffling a little and pulling back. You reach for him, wiping his tears with your thumbs. 

“I love you so much, bud.” 

“I love you, too.” 

You kiss his forehead, reminding him, “I might have to get on a plane for work, but otherwise I’ll see you after you’re done with your first-ever day of school, okay? This is so exciting!”

He finally smiles, and your work is done. When he steps into the classroom, he doesn’t look back.

+++

Thankfully, you’re not pulled for another case until the end of the week, so you’re able to see Jack through his first-ever week of school. 

It hits you more than once that you’re the person next to Jess right now while he hits these milestones. Long gone is that toddler that would giggle in his mother’s arms as she danced around the living room to Hall and Oates. In his place is an insightful little boy with a rapidly burgeoning sense of humor and a wickedly kind smile. 

You love him.

+++ 

The entire team got an emergency call, so you're all gathered in the roundtable room when Aaron walks in, looking all the worse for wear and -

Is that a beard?

Wait. He’s back. 

You just spoke to him on Monday, with news of a “few more weeks,” even in the face of developments on the Doyle case.

Fucking bastard knew he was coming home, didn’t he?

All of your joy in seeing him evaporates, and you narrow your eyes at him. Just like the last time you were in this room together, there’s an apology in his gaze. 

“Welcome back.” Derek doesn’t sound surprised, and your head whips toward him. He doesn’t look at you. 

Unbelievable. 

“Thanks. Everyone, have a seat.” You follow Aaron’s instructions, and sit, crossing your arms. It’s childish, sure, but the balance of personal and professional life has flown out the window. 

This feels like a personal slight, rather than a professional one. You try to push it away, but it lingers in your sternum like a lit flare. It’s uncomfortable, and you hate it. 

“Why?” Derek sounds a little concerned. Your anger cools a little bit. Derek doesn't actually know anything. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

“Seven months ago I made a decision that affected this team.” You notice, brow furrowed, that JJ stands beside Hotch like an ally. They both have odd looks on their faces. “As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle.”

No. 

“The doctors were able to stabilize her. She was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration.” 

No. 

“Her identity was strictly need-to-know. She stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris, where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.” 

No. 

There’s silence, and you can’t tear your eyes from Aaron.  

“She’s alive?”

“We buried her...” 

Penelope and Spencer’s comments rush past you and you feel much like you did in the waiting room on that horrible, horrible night seven months ago. 

“As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me.” 

His eyes finally meet yours, and you find your vision blurred. You blink away your tears. 

It was a necessary lie. 

You go into this business expecting to be lied to. 

Not by Aaron. 

That’s not the issue and you know it. He left. 

He missed Jack’s first day of school. He was gone for five months. 

He left us. 

“Any issues?” Derek’s disbelief is marred by hurt, but you can’t reassure him through your own shock. “Yeah, I got issues.”

He’s cut off by Penelope’s glance toward the doorway. 

The team, save for JJ and Hotch, rushes toward her. You’re stuck to your seat until she approaches you. At her touch, you come back to life, throwing yourself into her arms. Her name sounds strangled leaving your mouth. “Emily.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Her grip on you is tight, but your arms, looped around her shoulders, don’t feel like they’re attached to your body. 

She lets you go and continues to speak. Derek’s frozen, and you can’t imagine for a minute what’s going on in his head. Emily wraps around him. He’s stock still, his eyes misty. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding when he brings his hand to her shoulder, his cheek falling onto the side of her head. 

It’s back to business faster than you can blink, and now you’re sure you’re not the only one ready to kill Aaron where he stands. Derek is livid. 

They stare at each other while Spencer starts asking questions. Eventually, they focus back. Aaron crosses to you, contributing where necessary. 

You don’t acknowledge him. It’s horrible. You hate being so angry with him, but there’s nothing to be done. 

You can’t be upset at him about Emily. There’s too much to understand, and yet the initial shock of it is like a never-ending bucket of cold water poured over your body. 

Selfishly, you realize you’re upset with him because he didn’t tell you he was coming home. It’s so small when there are other, much bigger, issues to address. 

Emily’s lie is professional. Just part of the job. This one feels personal.

You’re a child. Let it go. 

He knew and he left. 

He missed Haley's birthday.

He knew and he left. 

He shouldn't have gone. 

He didn’t tell you he was coming home.

[heyitsjay03]

Fighting for Tomorrow:  Chapter Five

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I haven’t bought AOT or a few characters would still be alive/not in mental anguish

Reiner x Fem!Reader, eventual Captain Levi x Fem!Reader, Sasha x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 8.8k

TW: gore/blood/violence/death, adult language/swearing, slight PTSD, reader woke up and chose violence

You can read parts one, two, three, and four just by tapping the lovely numbers!

   Stumbling down the street towards the alley, I grip my thigh. As I round the corner into an alley, I slam my back up against the brick and risk a peek. The Abnormal stomps away- not even looking over at me. 

   What the Hell just happened?

   A hiss leaves my mouth as the wound opens up more and weeps blood onto my palm.

   Whatever happened doesn’t matter- if I don’t get some medical equipment soon I’ll pass out on the street. My eyes dart to the roof just above me. If I can get up there, I’ll be easier to spot and can get help faster. But it puts me more at risk at getting snatched… again.

   But if I stay down here and wait for help, I can bleed out.

   Taking a deep breath, I look to the clouds in the sky. If I get out of here, I’m going to watch those clouds with Reiner and the others.

   I can hear his voice. 

   ‘When,’ he says gently, firmly. ‘When you get out of here’.

   ‘What a big lug,’ I tell him mentally, getting to my feet again. ‘Always the motivator, though.’

   I can see his head fall back with laughter- the sound of it reverberating around me and wrapping me in its embrace. Strong and something that shakes his whole body from the stomach out. Each laugh like he’s never laughed a day in his life. 

   ‘Just get on the roof already, darling,’ he says. I can feel his always-warm hand wrapped around mine, his fingers aligning with mine on the triggers. 

   My body shoots up and I release the triggers- allowing myself to fall back to the earth. The collision forces my feet from under me and I fall forward, breathless. Coughing, I roll onto my back. ‘That sucked,’ I tell him. 

   ‘Didn’t look fun,’ I can hear him say as I stare up at the clouds. ‘But when you’re back, I’ll give you a massage.’

   I scoff and roll back onto my stomach, tucking my foot under me and pushing me to my feet. ‘I just want to get back.’

   ‘You will.’

   I’m panting now as I hold my thigh. The streets are emptied completely, only debris and bodies scattered on the cobblestone. Titan heads bob over houses- too far away to notice me. My eyes strain even more to hopefully catch a glimpse of any of my comrades.

   “Oiii!” Someone yells, much too light-heartedly.

   I turn to the voice as two people land on the roof behind me. They’re both tall- one only slightly taller than the other. The man has perfectly-styled hair and presses his mouth into a thin line. The other has long brown hair hastily thrown up into a bun and glasses strapped to their face.

   “What’re ya doing down here?” The shorter one of the two squawks before a long drawn-out gasp comes from their mouth. “Did you just fight that Abnormal?!” they ask, hands holding either side of their blushing face. 

   Blinking slowly, I consider my options. I can’t be honest with them. I’d be locked in a mental institution for the rest of my life if I did. “...kinda,” I wince, gesturing to my leg. “I didn’t fight it as much as it tried to rip me apart.”

   The man hurries to me and examines my leg. “...did you make this yourself?” He asks, looking up at me as he gestures to the contraption wrapped around my leg.

   I nod. “Just outta some stuff from that store over there,” I mumble, using my blade to gesture to the crumbling building.

   Shocks of pain shoot up from my leg as the man prods at my thigh. “Sorry!” He blurts, jerking his hand away from the wound. 

   The other person hums, eyes flicking behind their glasses as they examine my wound. “Bit of a nasty one there… You’ll bleed out soon… And we can’t have our best piece of evidence go to waste!” They grab my arm and pull me to their side, tucking an arm around my waist. “Hold on tight- we’ll get ya back to the wall and stitch you back up- and then you can tell me all about that Titan!”

    Did this nutcase just call me ‘evidence’?

   “I’ve heard you’re a bit of a reckless one,” the medic mutters as he wraps my leg with bandages. 

   I chuckle and hide my blushing face in my shoulder. “How’d ya guess?”

   The medic gestures over his shoulder to the town below us. “My boyfriend was one of the ones in that lift in HQ. Told me about you jumping off the lift and charging a Titan head-on without gear.”

   “...ah…” I laugh again, feeling my face heat up even more. 

   “Don’t worry,” the medic chuckles as he puts his tools into a medkit. “He told me how you and some other basically saved their asses, too.”

   “At least I’m a reckless nutjob instead of a reckless brat.”

   The medic laughs and gets to his feet. “Don’t expect to use that leg any time soon, alright?”

   I nod and the medic walks away from me. Sighing, I look up to the clouds.

   Gods, I hope they all made it okay. I hope Eren plugged- or plugs- the wall. I hope this all can just… be over. I want it to be over with. One day. Just one day of rest. That’s all I want. I don’t even want to rest. If I can have one day to breathe- I’ll shut my mouth and do whatever’s asked of me for the rest of my short life.

   But I guess this will have to do for the time being.

   Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath in.

   “__________!”

   My eyes shoot back open and my head lolls to the side. Connie, Marco, Jean, and Annie run to me. A smile crosses my face as I wave them over. “Glad t’see you’re alright,” I laugh as they slide to the floor beside me. “Surprised Freckles here hasn’t chided your ears off.” I tease, looking up at one pink-faced Marco. 

   “Not for lack of trying, eh, Annie?” Connie laughs, elbowing Annie’s arm.

   Her lips turn softly into a smile behind her gold curtain of hair. Jean nudges Marco as Marco’s face continues to grow in redness. “She’s not wrong.”

   Marco rolls his eyes and gestures down to my leg. “I’m just surprised you haven’t gotten yourself killed.”

   The group turns to face him- shock very plainly on our faces. Marco’s ears suddenly grow even more red as he tries to backtrack over his words. “...would ya look at that!” I laugh, “Kid’s got jokes!”

   The group chuckles. “So…” Connie says, poking the bandage wrapped around my thigh. “How’d ya get this one?”

   “And how are you explaining it to Reiner?” Annie adds, a small smile on her lips. 

   I groan. “...I’d rather take my chances with another Abnormal.”

  “‘Another’?” Marco asks, eyebrows furrowing. “You fought an Abnormal?”

   Flashes of that grocery store play in my eyes. The arm reaching in, grabbing my leg and dragging me out into the street. The mouth- the eyes. Red. I can see it clearly now. Red. And glowing.

   “Well?” Jean presses, arms crossed over his chest and an eyebrow raised. “Did you?”

   It put me down. It listened to me and put me down- and then it walked away.

   “I just…,” I stop and shrug. “I got my ass beat by one. Does that count?”

   “I can see that,” Connie mutters as he stares at the various wrappings around my body. “What’d it do to you-”

   “Nothing I can’t handle,” I interrupt, flicking the back of Connie’s head. “Now, don’t you kids have some orders to fulfill?”

   “Yeah,” Marco says, tapping a finger on his gas canister. “We had to fill up. Now that we’re done, we should get back and help with… everything.”

   “So nonchalantly stopping to talk to me while everyone’s down there dying was just…” I shrug, “Like passing an old friend in the market?”

   They all pale in color in front of me. 

   “That’s what I thought,” I snap, gesturing towards the town just past the soles of my shoes. “Now get your asses down there.”

   “Cadet Braus!”

   My whole body jerks as I shoot up, clutching my shirt. Colors and shapes merge together as I frantically try to find the voice. 

   When did I fall asleep? How long was I even asleep?

   “Aye, sir!” I yell, sleep still clouding my vision. Where did the voice come from…? My eyes lazily slide around for the voice as my fist is planted against my chest. No sign of Connie, Marco, Annie, or Jean. Did I dream that? Are they still… Are they still down there?

   A soldier- clothed in a Military Police uniform- stands in front of me with a folded piece of paper in his hand. “A message,” he states, handing it to me. “From Squad Leader Hange Zoë.”

   The soldier leaves without so much as another word. I look down at the paper, running my fingers over the edges of the folds. Hange Zoë? The scientist? 

   Slowly, I unwrap the paper. Memories of that day in ODM training flash in my vision. The pair of strangers in the back of the crowd observing us- the taller one, wasn’t that Hange? 

   Scrambled handwriting is hurried along across the page, like the hand was too eager to get the words out the poor pen couldn’t keep up. Every letter is connected in unsteady lines. 

Cadet Braus, 

Upon your recovery- partial or otherwise- you are to be interviewed by me on the topic of your engagement with an Abnormal.

-Hange Zoë

PS: we’ll be accompanied by Captain Levi- don’t let him intimidate you :)

   The Captain Levi? 

   Gods, as if my day couldn’t get any worse.

   Folding the paper back up, I tuck it into my bra. I’m now to be put through two wonderful events. Go see Reiner first and get a new asshole and then go see Hange Zoë and try to explain to them how I had my entire body slammed against a roof multiple times. 

   I’m too tired for this. With the amount of blood I’ve lost in the past few hours, I should be chained to a hospital bed for days- which I can only hope to be the case. A pit begins to eat away in my stomach as I stare out at Trost just below me. 

   I should’ve died.

   My fingers brush against the familiar fabric of bandages around my torso. 

   This… This wound alone should have killed me.

   Why… why didn’t it?

   And then the roof? My skull should’ve split- my body shouldn’t have been able to move at all, much less end up here. Why did I…?

   And then the Titan. Abnormal or not- it should have killed me. I should not be alive. Why did it put me down? Why did it walk away? It was going to eat me and I wouldn’t have been able to do a damn thing about it. 

   So why didn’t it? Why am I still here?

   Why did I get lucky so many times when my comrades are dying for much more insignificant reasons?

   I turn my gaze from the hellfire below me to the cloudy heavens above me.

   I need to talk to Reiner about this. He’ll understand- he can help.

   I hope.

   “You need t’get some sleep,” I say quietly, my hand resting against Rei’s face. “You look exhausted.”

   “...I am,” he chuckles coldly. The movement causes the prickle of stubble to graze against my palm. 

   “You also need t’shave,” I tease, “Or are you finally gonna try out that rugged stubble look that I’ve been begging you to try?”

   Reiner rolls his eyes and scoffs, “Never.” His hand comes up from his lap and rubs against his jaw in thought. “...I’ll shave later.”

   My lips turn downwards into a pout. “Boo… Maybe one day?”

   “...nope.”

   The room goes quiet. I can see him clutching his thigh and the way his eyes keep drifting to the various instruments surrounding me- the blood bag oozing blood down into my arm, the bag of saline beside it. His hands twitch in his lap again. The soft-green room smells too much like metal. And it’s freezing. Reiner’s eyes finally settle on me. His golden gaze is just that; glimmering and seemingly hard but soft in all reality. 

   “How is it out there?”

   “...it smells like death everywhere you go,” he says quietly, his face sinking deeper into my palm. “There’s so many… so many dead.”

   “Have you found him yet?” I ask gently, praying he says… I don’t know. I don’t want him to say yes. I don’t want him to say no. I just… I need to know where he is.

   “Marco’s still missing.”

   My lip trembles as he speaks. Taking a sharp inhale in, I look to the ceiling and close my eyes. There’s still hope. It’s only been a day- there’s still hope. I can still see him. He’s going to be okay.

   Slowly, I nod. “...okay. Okay. Just… keep me updated, please?”

   “As soon as we find him, you’ll know.”

   I sigh. “I’m glad everyone else is okay,” I mumble, “I’m glad you’re okay.” Reiner’s eyes dart to my body again. Taking his face into both of my hands, I duck into his gaze. “Don’t do that. Don’t you dare.”

   “__________, if I had been there-”

   “If you had been there…” I trail off, remembering the shape I was in. “...I don’t know what would’ve happened- but it wouldn’t have been much better.”

   “You could’ve died.”

   “I know. I know but… listen to me- I’m… I’m not dead. I’m here. I’m alive. I… I don’t know how but I am, okay?,”

   “So you can stop gripping your knees to stop yourself from touching me- I’m not glass.”

   Reiner’s hands come up and wrap around my wrists gently. “__________… I need to tell you something… if anything were to happen to you and you didn’t know- I don’t know…”

   Softly, I press my lips to his and rest my forehead against his. “You can tell me anything... and when you’re done… I have something to tell you, too.” I chuckle lightly, “And I need you to keep an open mind about it, alright?”

   Reiner’s eyebrows furrow, “...okay… but only if you do the same for me.”

   A smile crosses my lips as I pull away, letting my hands trail down his face, his neck, his chest before resting on the bed. His hand follows after mine, wrapping it over mine. “I can do that,” I mumble. My eyes flick up to his, “As long as you aren’t gonna confess something like ‘I’m your classmate that stalked you for years and then blackmailed you into marriage’.”

   “Damn,” Reiner mutters, rubbing the back of his neck. “Took the words right outta my mouth.”

   I scoff and punch his shoulder, “Shuddup ‘nd tell me.”

   Reiner’s smile quickly fades- breaking down into something crooked and broken before disappearing completely. Something in the depths of my gut tells me whatever it is isn’t good. I brace myself as Reiner opens his mouth to speak.

   “Cadet Braus?”

   My eyes tear away from Reiner’s face to the group that walks into my hospital room. The two Scouts from the rooftop are in the doorway- accompanied with a sharply-dressed, shorter man with no expression. The way he carries himself, the way he looks up and down the walls in disdain- his arms crossed and hands tucked under his biceps- without a doubt, he’s Captain Levi.

   And he’s… surprisingly underwhelming. Even in memories, he was always tall. Tall and broad-shouldered and with a commanding aura. Maybe I’m thinking of Commander Erwin. Or Reiner when he’s tired of mine and the others’ shit.

   “Yes, sir.” I state, placing my fist over my heart. 

   Reiner gets off his seat and goes into a salute, only to be eyed up and down by Captain Levi. 

   “Who’s the extra brat?” He mutters, arching an eyebrow.

   Something flares up in my stomach as Captain Levi continues eyeing Reiner like he was something he stepped in. Fists clutching my blanket, I breathe in slowly. It’s just intimidation. It’s always just intimidation. It’s fine. 

   “Cadet Reiner Braun, sir,” Reiner says firmly, his chest slightly puffed and shoulders taut. He’s nervous. He always goes rigid when he’s nervous. 

   “Relation?” Captain Levi asks, eyes drifting between the two of us.

   “We’re uh…” Reiner trails off, looking back over his shoulder at me. “Romantically… involved.”

   Hange laughs, grabbing my attention from the encounter between Captain Levi and Reiner. They tug a chair that leaned against the wall. They sit down on it and scoot it closer to my bed, looking at me with unadulterated glee. 

   ...I can see where the ‘Mad Scientist’ jokes came from.

   “...are you going to stay?” The man from the roof asks Reiner.

   Reiner looks back at me, worry very obviously etched into his face. His jaw clenches before his mouth opens. I cut him off. “You’ve been here with me for way too long… Go get something to eat. Maybe go take a nap. I’ll be okay.”

   Reiner’s mouth opens again. I beat him to the punch again. “That’s an order, Cadet Braun.” He caves without another word. Slipping past the man in the doorway, Reiner offers one last smile- before disappearing down the hallway. 

   My attention is quickly grabbed by Squad Leader Hange. They squeal, grasping my arm and running their fingers along the length of the plastic tube pumping blood into me. “How fascinating!” They hum with a smile on their face. “Moblit- gimme my notepad.”

   The man from the doorway dashes forward into action, pulling a beaten notepad from thin air. Captain Levi silently sits in a chair in the corner of the room. I notice he doesn’t lean up against the wall- he doesn’t even touch the wall, actually. He sits just far enough away from the wall that he doesn’t touch it but not far away enough that he’s in the center of the room. 

   What a strange man.

   “Eh?” Hange looks up at me, pushing their glasses further up their face. Their eyes flick between me and Captain Levi before a laugh passes their lips. “Oh, don’t mind Shortie over there. He’s only here to make sure I don’t… overwhelm you.” Their eyes turn back down to their notepad as they hurriedly scribble something down. “I’ve been known to… get carried away…,”

   “Moblit!” They suddenly squawk- sending the already-frazzled man into a hurried pace to the Squad Leader’s side. “Hand me Cadet Braus’ file.” Moblit nods once and lifts his coat to reveal a… rather thick file with various papers jutting out. 

   Is that… is that really only about me? I haven’t gotten into that much trouble, have I?

   Hange hums to themself as they open the file and scan through the pages before flipping to another page. Their eyes meet mine as I stare worriedly down at the file. “Oh, don’t worry!” They laugh, “I take the liberty of delving into my subjects- interviewees! Interviewees. My... interviewees’ backgrounds.”

   Slowly, I nod. This person is obviously a tiny bit unhinged. But there’s something about them that sparks some morbid interest in me. Besides- aren’t all Scouts a bit unhinged?

   Hange sighs happily and plucks a paper out from the file. “I’ve another interview so I’m a tad pressed for time- with your boss’ son, actually! So we’ll just get into it, yeah?” They ask with a smile.

   “You’re seeing Eren?” I ask, excitement bubbling in my throat. “He’s alive? He’s okay?”   Hange goes silent, their mouth pressing into a thin line. “He stands trial today,” Captain Levi answers from his corner- all flat and emotionless. “To see what’s going to be done about him.”

   ‘What’s going to be done about him’...?

   They wouldn’t… kill Eren, would they? 

   He sealed the wall- he saved Trost, why would they?

   “Shall we begin?” Hange asks, peering at me over their glasses. I nod silently and Hange hums. Adjusting their glasses, they scan the paper. “You’re __________ Braus of the 104th Cadet Corps… age twenty-one years… Sister, Sasha Braus...,” Hange stops and looks up at me. “You were living in Shiganshina when it fell?”

   “Yes.”

   “...but you previously lived in Wall Rose? Until you were…,” Hange stops, flipping through the papers before settling on one. “Fifteen?”

   “Yes.”

   Hange nods and marks something down on their notebook. “...and you’re romantically involved with Cadet Reiner Braun,” they ask, not taking their eyes off the paper.

   “Yes.”

   “...Squad Leader of Squad Thirty-Two with members… Floch Forster, Franz Kefka, Hanna Diamant, and Gordon Bov.”

   “...just Floch and Gordon now.” I answer quietly.

   Hange’s eyes flick up over the top of the file. Their voice is softer now, “Oh… I’ll… I’ll be sure to note that.” They start to write something down- much less hurried and with more care. I take a slow breath in, forcing the memories of Hanna and Franz back down into my gut instead of at the back of my throat.

   “Um… what was I…? Ah, yes,” Hange clears their throat and leans forward. “The good part,” they whisper, raising their eyebrows with a small smile. “What happened that caused you to be separated from your squad? Your commanding officers had told me that you were reassigned to a new squad with new members- your sister being one of them.”

   “We had just led a ten-meter towards the wall,” I start, remembering the scene. “We were heading back out towards the middle of town- someone in our squad had seen a Titan roaming around near the shopping district.”

   I sigh and shake my head, “Nobody knew it was an Abnormal… We all just thought it was a fifteen-meter.” My eyes widen as I see it pounce forward- its jaws snapping shut and crushing our Squad Leader. “...I remember seeing it jump and decapitate our Squad Leader… his head… his head landed at my feet,”

   “...I gave the order to retreat to the wall almost immediately. It was just us five Cadets- we couldn’t have taken an Abnormal on by ourselves. As we were making our way to the wall, the Abnormal- it waited until I shot my ODM wires out and grabbed them… and it didn’t even pull me into its mouth,” I mumble, eyebrows furrowing. “It just… It just grabbed my wires and used them to slam against a rooftop. Over. And over. And over again.” My fingers subconsciously rub the bandages around my thigh as my eyes turn from Hange. I focus on the bedsheets covering my wounds, remembering each detail.

   “When it finally let me go, I rolled off the roof, shot myself into a window and took cover in a store… I made that brace and wrapped myself with whatever I could when…” I can hear the crackling of wood and shattering of stone and glass as the hand reaches towards me. 

   “When what?” Hange asks, excitement plainly in their voice. The grip on their pen makes it tremble in their fist. 

   “...it came back,” I mumble, “It dragged me out into the street and then it-” My eyebrows unfurrow, face dropping as I remember. It lifted me up, opened its mouth and when I screamed at it- it just… put me down. Walked away. And its eyes. Its eyes were glowing. 

   “It… it put me down.”

   Hange’s head snaps up from their notepad. “It what?”

   “It… put me down?” I laugh breathlessly, running a hand through my hair. “I dunno either; I just remember it was opening its mouth and then it just… put me down and left.”

   Hange can barely hold still as they hurriedly scribble down my words onto their paper. “And what then? Did it even look at you after? Or did you immediately go to the rooftop where you were found? Oh, what am I saying- of course you went to the rooftop. Did you get a look into its mouth? Or! Did you see its eyes? Any of its facial features? Anything at all worth noting?!”

   “Oi, oi, oi, oi,” Captain Levi speaks up from the corner of the room. “Four-eyes, calm down. You’ll scare the shit outta this brat if you keep it up.”

   Hange takes a deep breath in and steadies their hands. “Shortie’s right,” they mutter, adjusting their glasses. “I got carried away… can you tell me anything about the Abnormal?”

   Red eyes- they glowed only after I started yelling at it. They glowed and it put me down. It. Put. Me. Down.

   No, no. I just imagined it.

   “Just that its eyes were brown.”

   I was picked up and put back down but its eyes were normal.

   “And that its breath smelled like shit.”

   Nothing else happened.

   “I was pretty out of it.”

   Nothing.

   “I had lost a lot of blood when you found me.”

   Else.

   “I’m just glad you did.”

   Happened.

   “__________, please,” Sasha pleads as I stumble down the hallway.

   Tugging my new Cadets jacket tighter over my shoulders, I keep moving forward. “I’m not taking up a hospital room when others need it more,” I mutter, scanning each doorway plaque as we walk down the hall. “Besides, if I was going to stay in that sterile nightmare any longer, I was gonna attack someone.”

   “You’re still healing, the doctor hasn’t-!”   “I’m perfectly capable of diagnosing myself,” I laugh quietly, “Doctor Yaeger taught me well.” Sasha groans behind me. “Oh- quit your whining. You act like you’ve never acted like this.”

   “I haven’t!”

   “Lies- the winter before you turned six, you got sick with a cold. Had to have Mom basically drug you so Dad and I could go hunting.”

   “I wasn’t even six!”

   My eyes catch the plaque I had been looking for. “Shuddup, we’re here,” I mutter, grabbing the handle of the door and pushing it open slightly. “You comin’ with?”

   Sasha sighs and shakes her head. “I’ve got… I’ve got body duty.”

   I let go of the door handle and take her into my arms, squeezing her slightly. She returns the hug with a shuddering sigh. “...we can talk about it after you get back, okay?” I suggest softly, running my fingers up her back. “And when we’re all free, we can go sneak down to our lake and go for a swim- alright?”

   Sasha pulls away and nods. “I’ll see you tonight.”

   “Bye, love.”

   Sasha heads back down the hall before calling over her shoulder, “Don’t pop anymore stitches!” and disappearing out the door. 

   What a brat.

   I turn back to the door and knock gently. “It’s __________, Eren,” I call softly. “Can I come in?”

   “Yeah.”

   Pushing the door open, I step in and immediately gasp. Eren’s bloodied and bruised- covered in gashes and cuts. “What the Hell did they-” I stop, noticing the other presences in the room. Captain Levi stands against the wall opposite Eren, arms crossed over his chest. He eyes me up and down coolly before returning his gaze to Eren.

   I immediately go into a salute, slamming my fist against my chest. “I- I’m sorry, Captain- I didn’t-”

   He waves me off without a word. His eyes are trained on Eren- the steel grey hard and immovable from Eren’s form across the room. There is something… ancient in the Captain’s eyes. Like a primordial guardian. Something that has seen ages past- and awaits for the next twist.

   Something twitches deep in my stomach.

   Why am I staring so intensely at this man- why am I so intrigued with this man?

   I tear my eyes away from the deceptively youthful face before me. They instead settle on Eren, who huddles against the wall with his legs pressed to his chest. Blood is pouring from his nose- which sits jaggedly on his face. There’s various bruises and cuts that slice through his skin. Purple and blue, this poor kid...

   Rushing over, I start to poke and prod his face. “What the hell happened to you?” I hiss, forcing one of his eyes to open as I examine the damage to his actual eye. Eren is silent, only mildly twitching in pain away from my fingers. 

   I growl. I didn’t bring my medical bag. Why would I have?! It was a hearing- not a goddamn boxing match.

   “Who did this to you?” I ask firmly, staring deep into Eren’s eyes. Eren shakes his head. Sighing, my eyebrows furrow as I look at his broken nose. “I bet it was those Military Police jackasses, wasn’t it?”

   “__________…”

   I scoff, “It was, wasn’t it? Those sick assholes- thinking they can shit on us because they deemed us ‘less worthy’... makes me sick-”

   “__________-” Eren hisses.

   I shake my head, allowing the spew of words to slice past my lips. “Which one’a them was it? You point them out next time and I’ll swing, I swear. Cut for cut, hit for hit- they’ll get it back-”

   “__________!” Eren snaps, eyes locked onto me. 

   “What?” I snap back, eyebrows furrowing even more as I stare up at him. Eren’s eyes widen and then narrow back to their original shape before he glances across the room. I squint in thought before turning around. 

   Captain Levi is still reclined against the wall- portraying a false sense of relaxation. His eyes are still fixated on Eren but… from this angle I can see the way the hardness in his eyes blends with determined ferocity. And an absolute lack of remorse. 

   I turn back to Eren, fists clutching the leather straps around my thighs. “...did he do this to you…?” I ask quietly- not even a whisper.

   “It was for my own good-”

   With that, I’m standing back up and whirling around to face Captain Levi. He’s impassively staring up at me as I lunge forward- fist tightened and cocked back. Eren’s off his seat and grabbing at my arm, “__________! Calm down, would ya?!”

   A growl bubbles up from my throat as I let my fist fly forward. Eren yells my name again, grabbing my forearm and pulling it back. I struggle against him for a moment- chest heaving with breath as I stare unblinkingly at Captain Levi. Strands of hair fall onto my face, now free from the messy updo I had it in as I walked out of the hospital. 

   The door swings open.

   The three of us turn towards the noise. Hange is standing in the doorway, medical supplies in their hands. Their eyes dart from each person in the room before an awkward smile crosses their face. They hold the medical supplies up, “...I’m back?”

   Commander Erwin stands back up, walking to my side. I bristle as he nears me- having allowed one of his highest-ranking officers to beat the living shit outta my kid doesn’t exactly sit right with me. My eyes are locked on said officer as he pushes himself off the wall and plops down beside Eren. Something churns in my stomach as I watch Eren’s eyes light up. 

   He had worshipped Commander Erwin and Captain Levi. Would go on and on about them- even as a kid living in Shiganshina. Even I had come to appreciate their efforts for the advancement of humanity. But now-

   “I take it you’re Cadet Braus,” Commander Erwin comments from beside me. 

   “Yes sir,” I say curtly, not taking my eyes off of Captain Levi and Eren as the two talk quietly. 

   Commander Erwin chuckles, “Hange mentioned your past with him.” He gestures to Eren with his hand. I note the various patches and slices of lighter, tougher skin on the back of his hand.

   Even the Commander himself has not gone unscathed when it comes to Titans. 

   “I worked under his father- his mother was like one to me in a time where I needed a mother to guide me,” I explain quietly, “...I spent years looking after him. Him and a few others.”

   Commander Erwin nods solemnly beside me. “...I admire your ferocity.”

   My eyebrows furrow and I finally tear my eyes off Captain Levi. Almost attacking a senior officer isn’t something I would think gets rewarded in the Scouts. “Sir?”

   “Not everyone would be so willing to charge Humanity’s Strongest Soldier,” he explains, blue eyes staring down at me with slight amusement. “It speaks for your character, Cadet.”

   A sudden blush rises in my cheeks at his words. Admiration? By Commander Erwin himself? I swallow quickly and slam my fist over my heart. “Thank you, sir.”

   Hange walks up to us, smiling widely. “I just ran out of supplies for Eren and thought I’d take you along to help me carry some things,” they suggest, grabbing my arm and tugging me out of my salute. “You don’t mind, do you Erwin?”   Erwin shakes his head, “Cadet Braus and I had just finished talking.” Hange lets out an ecstatic squeal and tugs me outside. I turn back to look at Eren, only to note the Commander’s eyes still locked on me as Hange pulls me out of the doorway. 

   The door clicks shut behind us. Hange lets out a long sigh and runs a hand down their face. “Whew!” They exclaim as they lead us down the hallway. “Heard ya almost attacked Shortie,” they giggle and sigh. “I’d love to see that fight.”

   I scoff a bit, “I’d end up dead- that’s for sure.”

   Hange’s head snaps towards me. My eyes widen as I realise I spoke out of turn. Feeling the heat in my face, I open my mouth to speak- but instead get cut off by their raucous laughter. They clutch their sides and wipe a tear that streams down their soft skin. “Finally!,” they yell triumphantly, “A Cadet with a sense of humor.” They sigh happily and continue leading us down the hallway. “It’s so much like talking to scared cats sometimes... Boring answers from boring Cadets.”

   A warm feeling starts to seep under my skin. Pride. Pride and joy. I was becoming close to a Scout- a veteran. Smiling, I puff out my chest slightly. “I’m glad to be of service.”

   We round the corner. Hange continues their rambling- somehow enrapturing me with their tales of Titan experiments and expeditions outside the walls. My eyes remain focused on them as we continue down the hallway. They’re so animated, so passionate. It’s truly a breath of fresh air. I was honestly so, so, so goddamned tired of being surrounded by straight-laced soldiers.

   Minus Jean, Marco, Connie, and Sasha. Soldiers, yes. Straight-laced, no. 

   My lips quirk upwards as I remember their collective habit of running around in the woods at night, giggling like little kids. Marco even would go- as serious he is at times. He’d be more hesitant, more quiet but eventually he’d warm up to the idea. ‘I’m already out here,’ he would say, ‘Might as well make it so the punishment’s worth it.’

   I miss that kid.

   “Oh?” Hange asks, turning to face me. “Did I bore you?”

   I shake my head and laugh, “I don’t think that’s possible, Squad Leader.”

   Hange’s oak-colored eyes narrow as they scan me. Not in suspicion. Concern. Finally, they nod to themself and continue discussing the possibility of experimenting on two new Titans their squad had found on their last expedition. I’m clinging to their words, their plans. As they glance over at me from time to time, it becomes obvious they’re making sure they haven’t lost me to boredom or indifference. 

   It’s plainly obvious there’s not many interested (or willing) listeners in their acquaintance. 

   “Hange!” Someone behind us yells, boot-heavy footsteps clunking down the hallway. “Squad Leader Hange!”

   Hange stops their rambling and turns, pushing their glasses up their nose. “Eh? What is it, Eld?”

   Eld?

   I spin around, smile widening at the sight. Eld stops just in front of us. “Hange, Captain Levi asked me to find you.”

   “What is it Shortie wants?”

   “Eren’s…” Eld trails off, his eyes flicking over to me. His face visibly turns pink as Hange’s eyes narrow- shifting between Eld and I. “Eren’s Titan… T-Titan powers… They’re… uhm…” 

   I arch an eyebrow, smile turning into an amused smirk as I watch him keep himself together. How he managed to become some big-shot Titan slayer handpicked by Captain Jackass is beyond me. He’s always been some skittish pup with his tail tucked between his legs. To see him in any other light is… Unnatural. 

   Eld notices my smirk and turns even more pink. “They’re healing him!” Eld finally blurts, shoulders and back rigid.

   “Oh?” Hange taps their chin with their finger in thought. They mutter to themselves under their breath before turning back to us. “Take us back, then! If you can find your way, of course.” They smirk mischievously, eliciting a stifled laugh from myself.

   Eld nods once, turning on his heel to lead us back down the hallway. I can still see the blush reaching his ears. As we walk through the winding hallways, Hange leans down and whispers in my ear. “I had no idea where the medical supplies were,” they admit with a small giggle, “It was simply an excuse to get you out of that room.”

   “I appreciate it,” I sigh, remembering I’ll have to be in the same room as Captain Jackass again. 

   “So…,” they hum, arching an eyebrow, “What’s the deal between you and Ponytail?”

   ‘Ponytail’. I’ll have to remember that one. “...he helped me out a couple years after Shiganshina fell,” I mumble with a small smile, “It had been a rough time and he… Eld gave me a place to sleep, helped me get into the Cadets program.”

   I had prayed he would be alive.

   I can only hope my prayers are enough for Marco.

   “Has he always been this…?” Hange trails off, gesturing vaguely to the man just a few steps ahead of us. 

   I nod, “He’s always been flustered.” Hange’s eyebrows furrow as they ‘hmph’ in thought. I turn to look at them. “...is he not…?”   Hange shakes their head. “Not normally…”

   …?

   We come back to the room and I take a deep breath. Hopefully, Captain Jackass has left. As I take a step into the room, something at the pit of my stomach tells me otherwise. Commander Erwin is standing beside a wall, arms crossed over his chest. His eyes are on Eren- and Captain Levi, who sits beside Eren. Arm slung over the back of the chair, Captain Levi looks over his shoulder at us.

   “About time.”

   My fists tighten as I will myself to not attack Humanity’s Favorite Jackass. A deep breath is taken once more as I walk to stand at the window. I cross my arms over my chest and stare daggers at the group as Hange excitedly pulls something from their pocket. Eld stands beside me, still blushing.

   Something strange creeps under my skin.

   Is he really only like this around me?

   How could I not have noticed?

   We watch as Eren opens his mouth, allowing Hange to peek inside. Hange’s eyebrows furrow as they look. They reach out and grab Eren’s chin and turn it downwards to get a better look. In buzzing excitement, they tug a notebook out of their coat and frantically scribble down something. My eyes drift from their work to Captain Levi- who’s already glaring at me.

   My eyes narrow in response. Only slightly, not enough to be classified as insubordination. But enough. He turns away, back towards Hange. 

   Gods, if I didn’t have to worry about insubordination, I’d have already swung.

   It was late. Way late. Too late, even for me. ‘Night owl’ was a badge I wore with pride but tonight? Tonight all I wanted was sleep. Deep sleep, dreamless sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. Those nights in the hospital- plagued with nightmares of Hanna, of Franz, of the Red-Eyed Titan. Cold and cruel and filled with the pained moaning of my comrades; both in sleep and in wake. I didn’t get much sleep there.

   All I wanted was to curl up in my bed with my favorite blanket and my favorite brawny blond bastard. 

   I stumble down the hallways, passing by dimly-lit rooms and muffled snores. My eyes are lead-heavy and blinking is an ungodly chore. My footsteps are shuffled as they echo down the hall. I’m too exhausted to pick them up completely with each step.

   All I want is sleep.

   Finally, finally, finally, I come to my door. I can hear Sasha’s snoring from the other side. A warm feeling smooths itself over my skin and deep into my chest. Home. Wherever she is- it’s home. Limp, my hand lands on the doorknob and I lean into the door to open it. It squeaks open slightly and casts a ray of light onto the bunk bed across the room. Mikasa’s mouth hangs slightly open- her black hair fanned out over her pillow. 

   A small smile crosses my lips. I’m glad she didn’t wait up for me. She needs rest.

   Something clatters behind me.

   I turn around. My head swivels as the exhaustion fades away. It’s replaced with that buzz again. Adrenaline. Eyes darting down the empty hallway, they settle on a slightly open door. Voices echo down towards me- too distorted from the walls to be heard properly. Someone passes by the doorway. Blond hair and golden eyes as they shut the door again.

   Reiner. 

   I had hoped he had gone to bed, too, but…

   I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “Gods,” I mutter, “I am going to rip him a new asshole.”

   With another huff, I walk down the hall and grip the handle- only for the door to crack open on its own. Bertholdt and Annie are in there, arms crossed and eyes hard. What are they all doing up? It’s nearly morning and by the bags and circles under their eyes, they haven’t slept yet. Weren’t they all out on city cleanup today? They should be-

   “You can’t tell her,” Bertholdt hisses, eyes widening in disbelief. “You want to put her in that position?”

   “I know her- she’d… she’d understand!” Reiner shoots back. He’s on the other side of the door- I can’t see him but I can hear him perfectly. “__________’s good like that.”

   “You really think she’d understand?” Annie asks, an eyebrow arched as she tucks a piece of hair back. “Are you absolutely sure?”

   Reiner sighs. I can picture him running a hand down his face- his eyes pinched closed. “...I can’t keep... lying to her.”

   Lying…?

   “You can’t just… tell her!” Bertholdt’s voice raises before his eyes dart to the door. I tuck back into the shadows in response and pray he didn’t see me. His eyes turn back to the inside of the room. “...how do you know she’ll react the way you think?”

   My brain feels like it’s being pulled fourteen different ways- up and down and backwards and forwards and upside-down and inside-out and-

   What are they talking about? What has Reiner been lying to me about? Why are they all talking about it like this? How bad is it?

   I shake my head. No, no, no, no. Reiner’s my… He’s my other half. Fight and flow- that’s what we are. He… he wouldn’t lie to me if it wasn’t necessary… Right? He’s just… keeping me safe Just like he always does. He keeps me safe…?

   “Look,” Annie says, eyes gliding to Reiner from behind her bangs. “If you do tell her, make sure you know what her response is gonna be, got it?”

   I can hear Reiner sigh again. Much heavier, much more broken. “...fine.” A long pause filled only with small yawns from Annie and Bertholdt. “I’ll wait.”

   Footsteps start heading for the door. I should stay- I should talk to him, talk to them. If there’s any time for this to be a reasonable conversation, it’s now.

   But I panic. I scurry back down the hallway and spin into our room- closing the door behind me. I press my ear against the floor, watching the shadows slink past the door. Swallowing thickly, I watch as one shadow stops in front of my door.

   It gets closer. 

   I get up and grip my clothes. I’m still in my uniform-

   The doorknob starts to turn.

   Fisting the fabric, I lift it over my head as the door swings open. 

   “Woah-” Reiner’s voice comes from behind me. “I thought you were still in the hospital?”

   I swallow my fear and turn to face him. “I… signed myself out.” Reiner’s eyebrows start to furrow- I cut him off before he can tell me off for anything. “Lucky you’re you,” I laugh quietly, “I would’a punched your lights out if you weren’t.”

   “I sure am lucky,” he chuckles, letting his eyes run up and down my body. His features relax and become more and more enraptured with me.

   I shudder.

   Not in pleasure.

   I have never shuddered like that with him before. And Reiner notices. “...is something wrong?” he asks gently, eyes softening.

   Get the words out. Just say them. Let them be said.

   “...I thought you were already asleep,” I mumble, “Why are you still up?”

   Reiner shakes his head and smiles softly. “Had a talk with Annie and Bertholdt about today.”

   “...are you okay?” I ask gently, staring up at him in the darkness. “Do you want to talk to me about it?”

   Reiner shakes his head again and wraps his arms around my back, tugging me into his chest. “Not yet.”

   As I stand there, basking in his warmth, the thoughts overflow within me. 

   Maybe it was just a bad day. 

   Maybe he’s having another one of his… days. 

   Maybe he’s lying about his mental state for my sake.

   Maybe he’s keeping me safe.

   Maybe he had to make a tough call in the field.

   Maybe he did something that got someone hurt.

   Maybe he can’t forgive himself for it.

   Maybe he’s just scared.

   “You can tell me anything,” I whisper, “Whenever you want to talk, love, I’ll be here.”

   My grip on him tightens. My anchor, my rock, my foundation. I cling to him like he’s my tether to sanity. And it’s true. Sasha, Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Jean, Connie, Marco- I am their anchor. Their rock. Their foundation. 

   But who is to be mine except him?

   “I’ll always be right here.”

   “Cadet Braus!”

   Sasha and I straighten up, going into a tight salute. The officer eyes us both- his already-narrow eyes narrowing further as he takes in our appearances. “...Cadet __________ Braus?”

   “That’s me, sir.” I say, tightening up my back even more.

   He seems to smirk to himself, a huffing laugh passing his lips. “Squad Leader Hange has requested you join the experiments scheduled for later this evening.”

   “It would be my pleasure, sir.”

   The officer nods once and walks away, grumbling to himself as he stares at the clipboard in his grubby hand. Sasha and I relax and turn back down to our food. “So…” she mumbles, taking a bite of food and staring up at me through her lashes. “You tell Reiner you almost killed Captain Levi yesterday?”

   I scoff, poking the remnants of congealed porridge. “No. Why should I?” My eyes turn from the globs of oats to Reiner- who sits with Annie and Bertholdt with his head in his hands. “...he’s going through enough without me piling more shit on him.”

   Sasha sighs, pushing her bowl away. My ears perk up and I turn to face her. Whatever’s bothering her must be important. It’s not like her to just push food away. “What is it?” I ask softly. 

   “...Jean, Reiner, Annie, Bertholdt, and I have clean-up duty today.”

   “Again? You had it yesterday- why aren’t they-” I stop. I know exactly why they aren’t letting them rest. This- the hurry to do away with the bodies- it’s to prevent a pandemic. A ‘secondary disaster’ as I remember. The amount of sickness festering within the fallen bodies of our comrades- it’d wipe the remaining soldiers and civilians out faster than any Titan. And we couldn’t fight it with blades and ODM gear. 

   All our resources as a society are focused on military strength. If we can’t fight it with our cannons and blades, there’s little chance we can fight it at all.

   I sigh and grab her hand, running my thumb along her knuckles. “We can talk about it tonight,” I whisper, “I know I said that last night but… it was a long day for us all.”

   Sasha nods and a faint smile plays her lips. “...sounds good.”

   “I’ll even see if I can sneak something out from the cafeteria,” I tease, smiling. 

   Sasha’s eyes brighten and her smile widens. “Sounds great!”

   “__________!”

   I don’t even have time to completely turn around as Hange charges straight for me. “Aren’t they beautiful?!” They cry, wrapping an arm over my shoulders and spinning me to face the two Titans. They’re chained to the floor- nails and spikes driven into their hands, legs, and feet to prevent them from moving. I can, however, see Hange’s persuasion in action. The chains wrapped around their necks, while still tight, are loose enough to allow for some movement. 

   “They’re… quite something,” I mumble, uneasiness settling at the pit of my stomach. I knew they were Titans, real Titans, but it’s just… strange. Seeing them so chained up and docile. The way their glazed eyes stare up towards the sky or the way their digits twitch under the steel of the nails or even the way their wounds give off steam- it’s so underwhelmingly calm when it comes to Titans. I’m only used to fast-paced training and battle, not so much the cerebral calm that Hange seems to specialise in.

   “Here! I have to introduce you!” Hange lets out an excited squeal and tugs me closer to the blond Titan on the left. “This! Is Sawney! Say ‘hi’, Sawney!” Sawney does nothing, simply blinks slowly as it looks down at us. Tutting their tongue, Hange shrugs. “Sawney’s a bit shy. Not good at expression, ya know. But Beane!” 

   Hange tugs me to the other Titan. “Beane here is much more expressive! Say ‘hello’, Beane!” Beane- a brunet Titan with dark brown eyes- is chained lying down. Its eyes slowly glide to look at us before a long exhale passes its lips. A low groan echoes around the sectioned-off area. Hange jumps up excitedly before gripping my shoulders again. “He likes you!”

   Moblit runs up behind us, “Squad Leader! You’re too close!”

   “Tch,” Hange rolls their eyes, “__________ ‘nd I are fine! Beane even said hello to her!”

   Moblit runs a hand down his face, “Please, take a few steps back. If you’re too close-”

   “No great steps are ever made without risk,” Hange cuts in. “But fine. Seeing as Cadet Braus is with me.”

   The three of us walk away from the Titans. Peeking over my shoulder, I watch as the Titans watch us. Glazed eyes- dead eyes- but they just… watch. Emptily. Soullessly. 

   I remember red eyes. 

   “Squad Leader Hange?” I ask quietly as we turn to face the Titans again.

   “Always with the formalities,” Hange hums, the touch of a joke playing their tongue. “Just call me Hange.”

   “Hange… have you… ever encountered a Titan with… abnormal eye colors?”

   “Eh?” Hange turns to face me, “No… I don’t think I have. Why? Did you see something?!”

   I swallow and fake a smile, “No, no… I just… I noticed the Titans always have eye colors like ours. Their basic anatomy is like ours, down to the most minute detail- eye color included! I just wondered if maybe…”

   “Maybe what?”

   My eyes glide over to them. Their eyes are glistening with excitement and their whole body seems to tremble with adrenaline. “...maybe Titans have some sort of… biological connection… with humans?”

   Hange lets out a triumphant scream and takes me into a tight hug. Jumping up and down, Hange continues to yell. “I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! An intellectual! A genius! A visionary hiding among the ranks of Cadets!” They sigh happily, panting as they stop jumping. “You’re joining the Scouts, yeah? You’ll be within reach?”

   “Yes, Hange,” I smile awkwardly. “I’ve wanted to join since I was-”

   Another scream. “And a dedicated Cadet! ...the Choosing ceremony! You’ll be choosing…” They trail off, eyes pinched closed as they mumble to themself in an attempt to remember when the ceremony is.

   “I think it’s next week-”

  “Perfect! Next week, you and Eren will be within reach at all times!” Hange continues rambling to themself about all the possibilities now in store. 

   My eyes turn from them to the Titans. If someone as invested and experienced in Titans as Hange hasn’t seen a Titan with red eyes before then…

   Why did I?

[ficforce]

Little Wound Part 1

Joker x Little Lady Reader SFW There will be mentions of noncon and other abuse in this and the coming chapters

Joker stared up at the steel ceiling, his eye was unfocused as his mind drifted back to the rooftop nearly three months before. He wasn’t sure how he had survived because he had been pretty far gone; it was a miracle he had even been able to get a signal out to Licht. He loved her. He loved her so much and he had ruined her life because of his selfish desire to be free. He tried to recall her happy smiles and the way she would tell him off but the images kept morphing into her dead stare and her cruel words. She didn’t love him back, it had all been a lie to get close to him and slip a knife between his ribs. “I changed your IV drip - ya know I’m not this kinda doctor, right? I’m the experimenting kind.” Licht tapped on the rail of the hospital bed they had acquired, “The actual doctor did say you should start getting up and about… start eating more.” It didn’t take a genius - even though he was one - to realise the Joker was depressed. He had to be. Joker hadn’t left the hideout once since they had set up the bed, borrowed some simple hospital monitoring equipment, they also acquired blood and medicine for him. They had other allies working with them, all of them trying to work out why people kept catching fire - one of those people was a surgeon and he had barely saved the man’s life. “You can’t find the truth laying on your back.” “This word sucks, the truth just makes it suck more…” “But you wanted to find out why it sucked, remember?” This wasn’t his friend, this wasn’t the awkward, dangerous man he knew, “So you’re gonna just wait for the world to burn? Become a different kind of shadow that disappears into the dark all alone?” Nothing. Not a twitch. Joker turned his head away from Licht, figuring he’d disappear if he hoped long enough. “Damn it, Joker!” his fist hit the rail and the metal hinges of the bed squeaked, “Get up and do something - every second you waste in that bed is another second Y/N is trapped.” A sharp inhale followed by a shaky breath out was the only reaction he gave outwardly. The words stung but they did start a wheel turning in his head, one that hadn’t turned in three months, Y/N was trapped. She was likely back with the shadows under the Holy Sol Temple. Going through the hell he had run away from and damned her to. “Get outta here… I’m tired.”

x - -

‘You never belonged to the shadows’ Sometimes those words echoed around his head. Some of her parting words to him and he didn’t know if she was rejecting him or comforting him. Joker relived the night over and over, every word, every detail until he started to realise the minuscule things. Like the fact she had stabbed him in a way that deliberately missed his heart. She would have known exactly where to land a killing blow but she didn’t; she had nearly killed him. She hadn’t finished the job either. She had told him that she wanted him to remember her being different and special - not part of the collective. She didn’t want to be with the Shadows. She wanted to be free just like him and he wished he had recognised the pain in her eyes - the tension in her jaw. ‘The Captain always finds fault with me’ Joker knew what she meant because he had experienced it. He should have stormed tin there a year earlier and saved her, instead, he had felt sorry for himself whilst the Captain did Sol only knew what to her. Because she was his replacement, because he had tainted the Five-Two name.

Breaking into the Holy Sol Temple with Benimaru had been to seek the truth but it was also a partial rescue mission. However, when Joker saw those dead green eyes of the man who beat and violated him day in and day out, who had ordered the murder of the family who had taken him in and forced him out of the sun again… He forgot all about Y/N and set Benimaru loose on the Shadows. The very idea of finally ripping out the bastard’s heart gave him the edge, his hatred of the Captain and what he had done - not only to him - gave Joker an odd kind of joy.

A pained yelp went through Joker’s ear like an arrow and he felt a heated blade catch his leg. This wasn’t the time to get distracted but the sound had caught him off guard and his head whipped around to see Benimaru kick one of the masked assassins in the stomach to send them skidding along the floor. They weren’t supposed to make a sound, even if their bones were snapped. Joker lit up three cards to deflect his opponent’s whip sword, keeping his eye on the other whilst shouting over to the other man, “Oi, not that one, Mr Almighty - I got business with the Little Lady.” Maybe it would be considered cheating; the way he had used a hallucinogenic on the Captain. Scaring the shit out of the man before dicing him up into pieces. Dead was dead.

Joker took a deep breath and straightened out his clothing, the adrenaline was buzzing under his skin from finishing off his once Captain, a man who had been hard to erase from his scarred mind and nightmares. However, things just weren’t that easy, now he had to deal with Leonard Burns and he was out of drugged up cigarettes. “Really?” He turned to face his old acquaintance, “So to get the holy scriptures, I’ll have to defeat you…”

“For someone who has been hiding in the shadows, this is pretty daring of you.” Captain Burns wasn’t surprised to see who had been causing all the trouble, there were only a few people as dumb as Joker to attach the Church head-on.

The dark-haired man spread out his hands and called up his cards, “That’s because I don’t want the truth to stay hidden…”

Leonard took a breath and beckoned to him, “Come.”

They were at the ready to fight and then Benimaru’s voice broke the heavy tension, “Sounds like fun. Let me join the fight too.” There was a long pause, a three-man standoff that ended with Leonard turning his back on them and declining to fight - much to Joker’s surprise. It had been a strange turn of events but now Joker had a neutral ally in the church and more evidence that something stank in the Empire. That just left his other business… Y/N’s body shook uncontrollably in the corner Benimaru had forced her into, he had tied up her wrists and around her body to secure her arms to her sides, “Whatever it was that you used to send these bastards mad also affected her, figured I’d tie her up for her own safety.” The younger man crossed his arms and watched silently as Joker knelt beside the assassin to remove the faceless, white mask, he could see that the woman’s eyes were blown wide and tears streamed down her cheeks - he wondered what she was seeing in her head.

Joker’s voice was quiet, his tone soft as he started to undo the ties, noting that they were quite intricate knots that indicated Benimaru had certain hobbies with ropes, he smiled gently as he eyes tried to focus on his face, “Hey there, Little Lady. You’re a bit high but I promise it’ll wear off in a few minutes.” Her eyes widened all of a sudden and Joker flinched as she began to scream, Y/N’s legs kicked at him and began begging for her life. “Please, please don’t kill me! Not like that, don’t cut me up into pieces! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I- I’ll… I’ll do it myself but please -!” She had betrayed him, she had played his heart and his mind, poured her drink over him as he bled out; she deserved his punishment but she couldn’t stand being tortured anymore. “I’m begging you… Please…” Y/N’s voice began to break and she was sobbing too hard to be understood.

Joker stared at her in silence. Watching the woman he still loved fall to pieces and begging for a swift death. He pulled a playing card out of his breast pocket and lit it up - she had always liked his card tricks before but the sound of the burning card only seemed to terrify her more. Y/N cowered into herself, her freed hands covered her head as she buried it into her knees. “Tch!” Benimaru’s click was loud enough to be heard over Y/N’s whimpering and he stepped closer to them, the air rippling with heat as his crimson eyes lit up, “Revenge is fine but I’m not gonna let you fuck up some woman who’s already given up.”

“Relax, Mr Almighty, I’m not planning on hurting her…” The card went out and Joker sighed almost sadly as he watched her, “This was a rescue mission too.” Reaching out, he stroked her head lightly, pointedly ignoring her increased sobbing as the man tried to offer her some sort of comfort, “It’s just the hallucinogenic making everything worse.” Feeling Benimaru come off the offensive Joker began to hum some nonsense song to Y/N, picking her up into his arms once he realised she was paralysed with fear - it was time to leave the Shadows and monsters behind.

[cheekysos]

Road to Nowhere

Best Friend! Luke Hemmings x Reader

Summary: Luke asks his best friend Y/N on a road trip. 

Warnings: Unrequited love, angst, minor swears

Author’s Note: Thank you for being patient with me the past couple of weeks. I’m still unsure about this piece honestly but I hope you enjoy it. Feedback is always very much appreciated, whether it be positive or constructive. Thank you for reading.

   You and Luke have been best friends ever since he moved to LA. When you first met him you were in a somewhat serious relationship and by the time you admitted to yourself your feelings for Luke he just met someone. You wallowed in self pity for quite some time before you forced yourself to move on, Luke seemed happy and you wanted to be happy too. When Luke was single again, you were a few months into a new relationship. This cycle has continued for the entirety of your guys’ friendship, the timing just never worked out. Not that it would have mattered, you knew your chances with Luke were slim to none. You two joked, laughed, cried, and confided in one another but there was something missing on his part. You could tell by the way he looked at you that he didn’t love you the way you loved him. He doesn’t look at your smile and instantly get butterflies, your laugh doesn’t send a shiver down his spine, and your touch doesn’t make it hard for him to breathe. Now here you are, single for almost a year and Luke is in what seems to be a very serious relationship and it’s eating you up inside. You wasted so much time ignoring and hiding from your feelings because you were too scared to lose your best friend. Now your feelings are so strong it’s difficult to ignore. 

  His current relationship was definitely putting a strain on your friendship. She wasn’t comfortable with it, you knew the second he introduced you to her. The way she scanned you up and down, like she was assessing your level of threat. She occupied most of his time and didn’t want you around much, she never came right out and said it but you could tell - basically everyone could except for Luke. It was little things like the way she touched him in front of you, like she was claiming him or how it took her months to “learn” your name. But you put up with it because you loved him, granted you were also in love with him as well but you respected their relationship and would never act on your feelings. Between touring and her Luke hasn’t had much time for you so when he called you and asked if you wanted to go on an impromptu road trip with no certain destination you didn’t hesitate. 

You packed enough clothes and toiletries for three days, that’s all the time off you could manage from work.  Luke arrived that morning with your favorite coffee in hand and looking as adorable as ever. He was dressed casually in blue jeans, T-shirt, and boots. 

  “You’re really going to wear jeans while we drive across the country?” You teased snagging the large cup of coffee out of his hand. 

  “Hey what’s wrong with my jeans?!” He asked defensively. 

  “Nothings wrong with them. I just meant they aren’t very comfortable.” 

   “Well thanks mom but I think I can dress myself.” He quipped.

   He stood in front of you with that stupid look on his stupid perfect face you loved so much. “So did you decide where you exactly were going?” You asked, spontaneity was not your strong suit. 

  “You pick, anywhere you want,” answered Luke.

You hesitated for a second, racking your brain for ideas. “Grand Canyon?”

“Whatever you want to see,” he flashed a sympathetic smile. What was going on?

“Seriously?” You asked. “Why are you being so nice to me?” 

“What a guy can’t spoil his best girl?” Luke had a tendency of saying things like this. Things that were obviously meant to be harmless but hurt you more than you’d like to admit because you knew he didn’t meant them, not how you wanted him to.  Luke helped you with your suitcase to his car and typed the coordinates into his GPS. While he did that you connected your phone to his car. Right after Luke asked you on this trip you started making a playlist for the occasion, of course a majority of the playlist was already assembled in a secret Luke playlist you already had. 

  “I hope you’re ready for this playlist, it’s going to blow your little rockstar brain.” Music is what immediately connected you to Luke. You guys didn’t have exactly the same taste and there were definitely songs and artists you disagreed on but his passion for it was contagious. He changed the way you consumed music, pushed you to listen to more than just lyrics and the beat. 

   “Excuse you I have a big rockstar brain thank you very much.” His hand rested on the back of your headrest as he backed out of the parking spot. It’s strange how Luke made everyday normal activities just effortlessly sexy. The way his seat had to be all the way back for his massive limbs to fit, how he gripped the steering wheel with one hand while the other rested on the gear shift, or the way the sun landed on his face and illuminated his sharp features. 

  Before you officially got on the road Luke stopped to fill up his car. “Here pay for the gas and grab some snacks,” he handed you his card. 

  You went inside and gathered an array of different snacks, candies and drinks. When you came out you saw Luke on the phone, at first you thought he was talking to her but he looked anxious and stressed while speaking. Maybe they were fighting, maybe that’s why he wanted to get away for a bit.  When you got closer to him he hung up the phone and returned the pump to it’s holster. 

“Let’s get the show on the road darlin’.” He faked a smile.

You were on route soon enough, Luke quietly snacking on the bag of chips you bought for him as he drove. You really didn’t want to pry and you hated asking him about her but it was obvious something was bothering him. 

   “You alright?” You questioned turning down the music. 

  He forced a smile, “All good. Just quietly regretting my decision to wear jeans. I wish someone would’ve told me not to.” 

  You playfully tossed a sour patch kid at his head. You knew that’s not what was bothering him but you didn’t pry.  After many hours of stupid car games, spontaneous singalong dance parties and a small cat nap on your part you couldn’t ignore the rumbling in your stomach any longer. 

   “Luke I need food and I’m tired.” You whined “I think we should call it a day, get some food and find a hotel.” 

  Luke rubbed at his 5 o’clock shadow. “Ya ok find a place nearby will ya?” 

  It took a little time but eventually you found a small bed and breakfast. “Take the next exit.” You instructed. 

  As Luke drove to the bed and breakfast you passed an In n Out. “Take a right!” you yelled. 

  Luke jerked the car into the turning lane, “the fuck Y/N! Scared the shit outta me.” 

   “In n Out! Need fries and a milkshake.” You exaggerate and pout your lip. 

  “You know I can’t say no to that pout.” Again, how could he not realize what he was saying to you? Could he be that oblivious?

  You went through the drive-thru and ordered way too much food for only two people and continued driving to the B&B. The Bed and Breakfast was a decent sized Victorian styled home, they probably couldn’t have more than five rooms. You stayed by the car, taking in the fresh air of a new state while Luke went inside to check for a room. 

  “Good news and bad news,” Luke said walking back to the car. “Got a room but it’s only got one bed, she’s got a cot though so she’s going to have it brought up to the room. I’ll take the cot.” Luke grabbed the luggage and you followed him with food and milkshakes in hand. The room was cozy, the main focus of the room was clearly the bed. This bed and breakfast most likely catered to couples looking for a quiet getaway and in any other situation it probably would have been romantic but not when you were with Luke and he was with her. 

  The two of you sat on the floor eating and catching up. Against your better judgement you asked about her, you were surprised to see his expression fall. 

   “I don’t want to talk about her, this trip is about us.” he said quietly. “Remember when we took that road trip to visit your parents?” he laughed. 

  “You mean the trip you agreed to take after being on tour for months leaving me to drive for HOURS while you slept the entire time?” you teased. 

  “Hey, It’s the thought that counts!” he defends. Things with Luke were great, back to how things were before.

  After spending a considerable amount of time reminiscing, the two of you got ready to go to bed. When Luke walked out of the bathroom he was dressed in only athletic shorts. You’ve seen Luke half naked plenty of time but it seemed like every time you saw him his shoulders were broader, his chest hair more dense, and his skin softer.

  “I-I’ll sleep on the cot Luke. There’s no way your lanky ass is going to fit. I don’t mind.” You tried deflecting with jokes.

“Ugh! How rude!” Luke played. “I am not lanky! And it doesn’t matter - that thing’s for children, neither of us are gonna fit on it. We’ll  just share” He tossed aside the extra throw pillows and pulled back the duvet. 

“Are you sure this is okay?” you hesitated. 

“It’s fine, just get in.” He turned off the lamp on his nightstand and tucked his extremities into bed, his back facing you. You followed his lead and got yourself situated on your side. You knew you should have turned around so your back was towards him but you just couldn’t bring yourself to look away. 

“Night Y/N.” he yawned. 

“Goodnight Lu.” As creepy as it sounded you spent some time watching his back, counting the times it rose and fell with each breath before he succumbed to sleep.  

  You woke up the next morning before Luke, he wasn’t a morning person in the slightest. After you finished getting ready and found Luke still in a deep slumber you figured the best way to wake him was a pillow to the face. After lots of whining and arguing the two of you were ready to get back on the road. Since Luke was still half asleep you offered to drive the rest of the way, which meant you spent most of the time in silence again, but you didn’t mind, you needed the time to think.   

  When you finally arrived at the Grand Canyon you and Luke stood there awhile speechless, taking in the beautiful scenery around you.  His arm suddenly snaked around your shoulders and pulled you into his side. You followed his suit and wrapped your arm around his waist. You felt completely content in this moment, for a second you could forget about everything and just relish in this the now. When you looked up at Luke tears were brimming in his eyes. You stood in front of him with both hands held onto his waist. 

“Hey...what’s the matter?” you pleaded.

“It's...I just. I’m just really happy to be here. To be with you, my best girl.” He pulled you in for a hug, his arms wrapped around you tightly and he placed soft kisses on the top of your head. Your heart soared in this moment. Everything felt so perfect, it felt like there was an inkling of a possibility that Luke loved you back. As you pulled away from the hug, Luke tucked the stray hairs behind your ear. Your faces were closer than they’ve ever been, your foreheads pressed together, noses just barely touching. 

“I need to tell you something Lu..” There was no more denying your feelings. You couldn’t go on like this anymore you needed him to know, even if that meant that he didn’t feel the same about you. 

“Lemme go first.” he cut you off. “She gave me an ultimatum, you or her…” Your heart was in the back of your throat and your entire body was on fire. This was it, he was about to kiss you.

His calloused thumb brushed along your cheekbone, “I..I chose her.”

[t4twolfstar]

Pearl Jam songs as the marauders' story

listen here

explanations under read more

Red Mosquito - Remus is bit by Greyback

two steps ahead of him, punctures in your neck…/ Hoverin' just above your bed... (2x)/ I was bitten...must have been the devil…/ He was just paying me…/ A little visit, reminding me of his presence…

Jeremy - most of the song, Sirius

Okay so we’re going to look at the verses not the refrain for this one bc (TW su*) this song is based on an actual boy who diy died in front of his class so like no we’re not relating to that part but the “Clearly I remember/ Pickin’ on the boy/ Seemed a harmless little fuck/ But we unleashed the lion….Daddy didn't give affection, no/And the boy was something that mommy wouldn't wear”

Daughter - Sirius at home

Trans sirius in an abusive household………. “Mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it/Tries to make her proud/ The shades go down, it's in her head/ Painted room, can't deny that something's wrong/ Don’t call me daughter, not fit to”

Leash - Sirius and Remus’ toxic codependent love and then yelling at the establishment/people who say they’re too young going too deep too hard too fast

“Troubled souls unite/ We got ourselves tonight, oh/ I am fuel you are friends we got the means to make amends/ I am lost I'm no guide but I'm by your side/ I am right by your side….We will find a way we will find our place/ Drop the leash drop the leash/Get outta' my fuckin' face”

Why Go? - Sirius becoming disenchanted w his family

Trans Sirius too of course. She seems to be stronger/ But what they want/ Her to be is weak/ She could play pretend/ She could join the game, boy/ She could be another clone….don’t come visit/mother/ why go home?

Blood - Sirius’ family trying to make him into something he’s not

Spin me round/ Roll me over/ Fucking circus/ Stab it down/ One way needle/ Pulled so slowly/ Drains and spills/ Soaks the pages/ Fills their sponges/ It’s my blood/ It’s my blood

WMA - basically about all the big pureblood families that can get away w anything

“He won the lottery when he was born/ Took his mothers white breast to his tongue/ Do no wrong so clean cut/ Dirty his hands, it comes right off” (tw for song: police, implied police violence)

Do the Evolution - Sirius ranting abt/mocking his family

Admire me, admire my home/ Admire my son, he's my clone…./ I'll do what I want but irresponsibly/ It’s evolution, baby/ I’m a thief, I'm a liar/ There’s my church, I sing in the choir:/ (Hallelujah, hallelujah)

Bushleaguer - abt the aristocracy etc

This song is literally about George bush lmao but I love it abt the upper class

“Born on third, thinks he got a triple…./The aristocrat choir sings, "what's the ruckus?”/ The haves have not a clue/ The immenseness of suffering”

Mind your manners - You guessed it - Sirius rejecting his family

I've got an unfortunate feelin’/ I've been beaten down/I feel I don't believe/ And now the truth is coming out/ What they've taken is more than a vow/ They’ve taken your innocence/ And then they throw them on a burning fire/ All along they're sayin’/ Mind your manners

My father’s son - SIRIUS

I am my father's son,/ Yeah, too bad he was a psychopath and now I'm the next in line, , dear mother, yes, surely she's a work of art,…/Can I get a reprieve?/ This gene pool dark and deep…./Now father you're dead and gone and I'm finally free to be me,/ Thanks for all your dark gifts for which I've got no sympathy,/ I’m living in a walled-up place in the bounds of 5th symphony

Yellow Ledbetter - Sirius

Okay so 97% of the the lyrics are indecipherable when Eddie sings them but you can hear I don’t wanna stay

Go - Regulus to Sirius as he’s trying to leave

(Abuse tw) So sorry about this one yall …… .but yes I think this is regulus finally realizing that he shouldn’t have let things get so bad at home (Sirius blames him for not stepping in even tho he’s a child there’s nuance here etc) and he’s begging Sirius not to leave him here “Oh please don't go out on me don't go out on me now/ Never acted up before don't go on me now/ I swear I never took it for granted just thought of it now/ Suppose I abused you just passing it on….I pulled the covers over him shoulda' pulled the alarm/ Turned to my nemesis…Please don't go on me/ Don’t go on me/ Don’t go on me/ Don’t go on me/ please”

Rearviewmirror - Sirius running away

(Tw abuse) Time to emancipate/ I guess it was the beatings made me wise….Forced to endure/ What I could not forgive/ I seem to look away/ Wounds in the mirror waved/ It wasn't my surface most defiled

Can’t Keep - Sirius running away from home

I want to shake/ I want to wind out/ I want to leave/ This mind and shout/ I’ve lived/ All this life/ Like an ocean/ In disguise/ I don't live for ever/ You can't keep/ Me here

Hail, Hail - Remus and Sirius’ codependent strong love

A how I love you till the day I die...ah and beyond…/ are we going to the same place? If so, can I come?/ It’s egg rollin' thick and heavy...all the past we carry…

Release - Remus thinking about his dad

Remus’ dad is so full of guilt for his hand in remus’ transformations that he extracted himself from remus’ life. Remus laments here, “Oh, dear dad/ Can you see me now?/ I am myself/ Like you somehow” “I'll hold the pain/Release me” he’d would rather have a dad, guilt and all, here, than the self appointed absence but since you left me with the absence and grief and loss of it, at least release me from it, loosen your grip so I can move on.

Present Tense - Sirius and Remus talking probably laying in the forbidden forest assuaging one another’s beliefs of the gnarled beasts they think they are

BUGS - prob remus when he turns before the boys know

Bugs on my ceiling/ Crowded the floor/ Standing sitting kneeling…/ A few block the door/ And now the question’s:/ Do I kill them?/ Become their friend?/ Do I eat them?/ Do I join them?/ I’ll just stop now/ I’ll become naked/ And with the...I'll become one

Who you are - probably James at remus when he thinks he’s a big monster

Who are we?/ Who we are./ What’s your part? Who you are / You are who you are.

Save you - GOD THIS SONGG okay this is probably James @ Sirius when home life is bad and also Sirius @ Remus and also Remus @ Sirius it’s all of them @ all of them

Gonna save you fucker, not gonna lose you/ Feeling cocky and strong, can't let you go,/ Too important to me/ Too important to us, we'd be lost without you/ Baby, let yourself fall, I'm right below you now/ And fuck me if I say something you don't want to hear/ And fuck if you only hear what you want to hear/ Fuck me if I care, but I'm not leaving here/ You helped me when I was down, I'll help when you're down/ Why are you hitting yourself, c'mon hit me instead

Life Wasted - Sirius @ Reg re: leaving

I escaped it, a life wasted./ I’m never going back again…./ You're always saying you're too weak to be Strong./ You’re harder on yourself than just about Anyone/ Why swim the channel just to get this far?/ Halfway there, why would you turn around?

Severed Hand - Reg joins the death eaters

Big man stands behind an open door/ Said, leave your lady on the cement floor./ Got some kicks, want to take a ride?/ I said, yeah!/ Oh please understand I just need, my friend,/ A way a way a way home

Brain of J. - Reg and Sirius arguing after he joins the death eaters

The whole world will be different soon/ The whole world will be relieving/ You, you've been taught/ We’d been the same, now they got you in line/ Stand behind the stripes/ There will be order, so give it a good mind…./And by name/ The name they gave me/ The name I'm letting go

Deep - Regulus knows he’s in too deep

This is Regulus knowing he’s in too deep, Voldemort and the death eaters are such bad fucking people and he’s in too deep now (massive tw for this song for drugs and se*ual violence)

“Ponders his Maker, ponders his will/ in too deep/ can’t touch the bottom”

Pilate - Remus abt Sirius ;0)

Like Pilate I have a dog/ (Obeys listens kisses loves)/ Walks me out of town/ Still one's a crowd/ Making angels in the dirt/ Looking up looking all around

You Are - in love 🥰

Love is a tower/ Of strength to me/ I am the shoreline/ But you're the sea

Red Bar - the war begins

War, I’m crazy/ War I’m crazy I’m war the song is also a lil goofy so it’s maybe just like going crazy being so in it that it’s funny now

Porch - WARTIME EVERYONE @ THEIR LOVERS

It’s the war and everyone knows today could be their last day and tensions are running high in relationships and they love each other so much and need each other but snap at one another nonetheless

What the fuck is this world running to?/ You didn't leave a message/ At least I could have learned your voice one last time/ Daily minefield, this could be my time by you/ Would you hit me? Would you hit me?/ Hear my name, take a good look/ This could be the day/ Hold my hand, walk beside me

Thin Air - babes in love

There's a light, when my baby's in my arms,/ There’s a light, when the window shades are drawn…/ And I know she's reached my heart, in thin air.

All or None - More war time songs soz

Here's the selfless confession/ Leading me back to war/ Can we help that our destinations/ Are the ones we've been before?/ I still try to run on/ But it's all or none

Parting Ways - Lily @ James during the war

She knows their future's burning/ But she can smile just the same, same/ And though her mood is fine today/ There’s a fear they'll soon be parting ways

Love Boat Caption - Sirius/Remus, Lily/James, etc etc. during the war

Love boat captain/ Take the reigns and steer us towards the clear, here/ It’s already been sung, but it can't be said enough/ All you need is loveIt's an art to live with pain/ Mix the light into grey/ Lost nine friends we'll never know/ Two years ago today/ And if our lives became too long/ Would it add to our regret?…./Hold me and make it the truthThat when all is lost, there will be you

Evacuation - going into hiding

Lukin- Lily and James have to go into hiding

(Tw st*lking mention in explanation, gun mention in song) The song was written by Eddie when he was being stalked and he had to bring himself and his wife to a friend’s house for safety.

In Hiding - Lily and James are in hiding and enter Peter

No way in or out/ I turned and walked the hallways/ And pulled the curtains down…./I swallow the truth to keep from lying/ i'm no longer overwhelmed and it seems so simple now/ Yeah, it's funny how things change so much/ It’s all state of mind

Once - Peter Pettigrew betraying the marauders

Literally about someone committing a mass murder. “Once upon a time I could control myself.” “Mimic whats insane.”

Around the Bend - I'm so sorry ummm but Lily to Harry on Halloween 💀

I am wishing you a well…./ I hold your head deep in my arms/ My fingertips, they close your eyes/ Off you dream, my little child/ There’s a sun around the bend/ Please forgive me, won't you, dear?/ Please forgive and let me share with you, around the bend/ You’re an angel when you sleep/ How I want your soul to keep, on and on around the bend

Garden - Sirius being taken to Azkaban

He’s just taking his fate as it comes to him.

The direction of the eye/ So misleading/ The defection of the soul/ Nauseously quick/I will walk, with my hands bound/ I will walk, with my face blood/ I will walk, with my shadow flag/ Into your garden/ Garden of stone

Even flow - IS SO VERY MUCH SIRIUS IN AZKABAN

sung from the pov of an incarcerated person waiting for life to begin again

BUGS - Sirius in Azkaban (yes I already said this abt remus but idc)

Bugs on my ceiling/ Crowded the floor/ Standing sitting kneeling…/ A few block the door/ And now the question’s:/ Do I kill them?/ Become their friend?/ Do I eat them?/ Do I join them?/ I’ll just stop now/ I’ll become naked/ And with the...I'll become one

Black - Remus lamenting about Sirius’ perceived deception

Remembering their love and how now so many of his memories are tainted (by) black and that all of this has changed him fundamentally (star imagery, “black”, “tattooed everything”)

Indifference - Sirius in grimmauld place, sirius in Azkaban

Sirius taking his home life in stride until he can leave, taking Azkaban in stride bc it doesn’t matter any way bc he believes he deserve it anyway

“Pretend I'm free to roam/ I will make my way/ Through one more day in hell/ How much difference does it make?/ How much difference does it make?/ I will hold the candle/ Till it burns up my arm/ Oh, I'll keep takin' punches/ Until their will grows tired/ Oh, I will stare the sun down/ Until my eyes go blind/ Hey, I won't change direction/ And I won't change my mind/ How much difference does it make?/ How much difference does it make?/ I’ll swallow poison, until I grow immune/ I will scream my lungs out till it fills this room”

Alive - Remus post ’81

Eddie originally wrote the song as a lament - why did I live when he didn’t? Why am I still alive?

“Is something wrong she said, of course there is, you’re still alive she said, but do I deserve to be?”

Animal - Remus after ’81 when he needs to transform alone

Feat. A throwback to being turned (so tw: abd*ction) “Torture from you to me, yeah/Abducted from the street/I'd rather be with an animal”

Nothingman - Sirius and Remus after ’81

Once divided nothing left to subtract/ Some words when spoken can't be taken back/ Walks on his own with thoughts he can't help thinking/ Future’s above but in the past he's slow and sinking…./ She once believed in every story he had to tell/ One day she stiffened took the other side/ Empty stares from each corner of a shared prison cell/ One just escapes one's left inside the well

Smile - Remus @ the marauders (except it’s after ’81 and he just thinks of them fondly)

Don't it make you smile?/ I miss you already/ I miss you always/ I miss you already/ I miss you all day/ This is how I feel/ Three crooked hearts swirls all around/ Don’t it make you smile?

In my tree - remus abt sirius after ’81

I remember him, yeah…/ I swore I knew everything, oh yeah…/ They say knowledge is a dream, yeah…/ He's growing up just like me, yeah…

Light Years - Remus abt Sirius

But now you're gone, I haven't figured out why/ I’ve come up with riddles and jokes about war/ I’ve figured out numbers and what they're for/ I’ve understood feelings and I've understood words/ But how could you be taken away?/ Back pages and days alone that could have been spent/ Together, but we were miles apart Every inch between us becomes light years now

I’m open - Remus!!!! Post ’81

After spending half his life searching he still felt as blank/ As the ceiling at which he stared/ He is alive but feels absolutely nothing/ So is he?/ When he was six he believed that the moon overhead followed him/…..So this is what it's like to be an adult/ If he only knew now what he knew then

Thumbing my Way - Remus post ’81 again blah blah ikik

I can't be free with what's locked inside of me/ If there was a key you took it in your hand/ There’s no wrong or right but I'm sure there's good and bad/ The questions linger overhead

Rats - we know how remus like to soliloquize …. This is him waxing poetic about how fucking horrible Peter is

The song itself is kind of listing the many ills of humankind saying how rats don’t compare to people bc they don’t do all this. But Peter isnt really a rat. He’s a man and oppresses like a man and betrays like a man and takes like a man.

“Drink the blood of their so-called best friend….They don't scurry when something bigger comes their way….Don't take what's not theirs“

Oceans - Sirius escaping Azkaban

Hold on to the thread/ The currents will shift, glide me towards/ You know something's left/ And we're all allowed to dream of the next…..The sea will rise/ Please stand by the shore/ I will be there once more

Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town - Sirius after Azkaban

200004309248% sirius returning from 12 years isolated. He doesn’t really recognize most things. Remus wouldn’t recognize him. He’s different. Changed by being unchanged. He couldn’t grow and learn and morph and become. He stagnated yet decayed. But he’s back and he recognizes your skin and your breath. He’s back.

Off He Goes - Sirius is a Sagittarius in the first half, second half is post PoA

Know a man his face seemed pulled and tense/ Like he's riding on a motorbike in the strongest winds/ So I approach with tact/ Suggest that he should relax/ But he's always movin' much too fast/ Said he'll see me on the flip side/ On this trip he's taken for a ride…./ And now I rub my eyes for he has returned/ Seems my preconceptions are what should have been burned/ For he still smiles and he's still strong/ Nothing’s changed, but the surrounding bullshit, that has grown/ And now he's home, and we're laughing, like we always did/ My same old, same old friend/ Until a quarter-to-ten

All Those Yesterdays - and cue the bath scene, remus washes his lost love

Don't you think you oughta rest?/ Don’t you think you oughta lay you head down?/ You don't think there's time to stop/ There’s time enough for you to lay your head down tonight tonight/ Let it wash away/ All those yesterdays

[finn-ray-nal-beads]

I can’t wait for all your depraved stories around the garbage fire tonight! How about mixing and matching some fun kinks with your AUs of shame! Breeding kink, exhibitionism, biting/bruising/marking kink. Who’s most in to what?

@safarigirlsp OMFG I OWE YOU ALL THE GARBAGE TONIGHT HOLY SHIT IT’S BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I WROTE SOME CRACK THOTS ON THESE BOIS I MISSED THEM!🥴

LET’S START OFF WITH THE BIG BAD GUNS HIMSELF... MY PIRATE KING FLIP BLOWHOLE CAPTAIN OF THE FUCKING JOLLY ROGER AND THE BLACK PEARL BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKIN’ FAN FICTION SO WE MAY AS WELL FUCKIN’ LET ALL THE PIRATE JOKES SWIRL TOGETHER IN A GODDAMN WHIRLPOOL OF DESPAIR!

 Captain Phillip “Blowhole” Zimmerman is a simple man... he loves the sea, his ship is his baby, rum is his bestie (not including his First Mate, Ron), and he loves to fuck you into absolute oblivion in front of Davey Jones and the entire crew of scallywags daring to eyeball you in passing.

Any time he get’s a hint of another wandering eye looking down that cinched corset dress of yours, gazing at your heaving bosom practically spilling overboard in your corset, he inches a finger in your direction.

Perched upon his captain’s wheel, one knee up like Captain Morgan himself, he coaxes you to him, the more you inch closer, the more his nostrils fill with your sweet coconut scent. 

“Captain?” putting your hands behind your back, shoving your tits out to his hungry gaze, “is something wrong?” playing as dumb as possible to get him even more riled up than he had been seconds prior. 

“You know exactly what you’re doing, lil’ whore,” he spat, burning holes into your eyes as his ambered eyes turned to a raging fire, “assume your goddamn position, slut, I’m gonna make another example outta you seeing as how you and my fuckin’ crew didn’t get it the last few times,” grabbing your waist to thrust you over the banister of the ship, his crew halting their work to watch the show unfold. 

“Look at you,” smoothing over the curve of your ass in the dress, flipping it over to reveal your naked, sopping cunt, “fuckin’ slut!” slapping the shit out of your pussy, causing an ungodly wail to emanate from your vocal cords. 

“You must like being an example to my crew, huh?” gripping your curls in his hand to wrench your neck back, his low growl in your ear causing more liquid to seep from your pulsing cunt. 

“Anything to please you, Captain,” smirking while you pushed your backside to rub on his pants, “I live to serve,” pandering to match his low growl, no doubt feeling his erection rub against your ass. 

“In fact,” pushing yourself flush to his chest, hand still in a death grip on your head as he lowered his face into the crook of your neck, sucking the life out of your pulse, “I think you like makin’ an example outta me, sailor,” snaking a hand to rub his aching erection as his breath hitched from your grip. 

“I’m gonna storm your fuckin’ shores until your wailin’ on my cock sweetheart,” gripping your throat with one hand and batting your hand away to take his cock out of his pants and stuff it fully in, no foreplay necessary seeing as you were soaked as the ocean itself. 

“So. Fuckin’. Bratty.” he thrust in, enunciating his words as you moaned on his large whale cock into complete bliss. 

NOW ONTO OUR NOBLE AND GLISTENING WARRIOR HERO... THIS IS SPARTA. IT’S NO SECRET THAT THIS MAN IS WELL-ENDOWED, AND WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY, AKA, HE’S GONNA FUCK AS MANY SONS INTO YOU AS YOU’LL GIVE HIM AND YOU WON’T FUCKIN’ COMPLAIN ABOUT IT EITHER BECAUSE YOU’RE A FUCKIN’ WHORE FOR HIS HORSECOCK!

He’ll be coming back from a warrior training camp, fuckin’ shimmering in the Spartan evening light, clad in his gear, wielding the largest sword he could possibly get his hands on. Sweat covering his large pectorals, his biceps bulging out of his sleeveless uniform as he lowers his shield and weapon into their place in your hut, heaving and wiping the sweat from his brow, moving his hair from his face to glance up at you. 

He takes in the sight of you, clad in your white robes, hair perfectly set as you perched on the loveseat in your shared home, pushing a grape into your perfect mouth, making unholy moans as you gazed into his hungry eyes, eating you alive as you swallowed down the sweet fruit juice. 

“My handsome warrior has finally returned,” you mused, gripping another grape in your perfect fingers, playing with it as you gave him ‘fuck me’ eyes, “I’ve missed you my dove,” slipping it past your perfect lips, closing your eyes in bliss as you devoured the fruit again. 

“My perfect goddess,” moving to kneel at your waist, pushing his head into your chest as he gripped your midsection while you rubbed his hair every so softly, “I’ve missed you, my love,” lifting his head to gaze at you closer, moving in for a loving kiss that turned steamy quickly after. 

“Take me, Phillip,” you gasped, throwing yourself into his embrace as he picked you up from the seat, leading the both of you into the bedroom. 

He lowered you down as if he was handling glass, petting your face as he did so, “take your clothes off my love,” he whispered into the crook of your neck, “I’m gonna stuff you full of my sons,” gripping his lips on your collarbone as he fumbled with his armor, removing it while you did your robes. 

Gazing at your nude figure, spread eagle for him as he gathered his leaking cock in his hand to line up with your perfectly plump pussy, glistening in the candlelight, stuffing his member into your sopping cunt, causing a unanimous moan to emit throughout the room as he pushed further and further into your open womb. 

AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST LET’S SADDLE THE FUCK UP AND TALK ABOUT HUCKLEBERRY AND HIS CRAZY BEHAVIORS BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HE’S A HIGHKEY FREAK IN THE SHEETS. HE’S ALL ABOUT HOG-TYING YOU UP... AFTERALL IF YOU’RE BEIN’ A LIL’ BRAT YA GOTTA BE BROKEN LIKE THE PHILLY YOU ARE! 

You know exactly how to get yourself in a pickle with your handsome devil of a cowboy. Know just what triggers him into a full rage... and that’s studding yourself out right in front of him. 

You knew that touch on the thigh by that sleazy ass rustler was too much, but who were you to guess what he’d do. I mean, you did look mighty fine in those tight ass Wranglers, and who were you kidding, you fuckin’ knew you were just hot in general, and you took every chance to use that to your advantage. 

After all, you were doin’ your boy a favor, havin’ pushy buy your rounds for ya as he finished his game of poker at the bar with his buddies. 

What was the damn harm in it to get some free booze? The contact did him in. He noticed it from across the room, practically sniffing it out as his vision shot to that slime ball running his hand where his property was. 

“We’re leavin’ darlin’,” moving to you as he threw his coin on the bar top, gripping your forearm in his large hand to drag you and your bulging tits to the open air of the Colorado night. 

“What the hell Flip?” yelling to let go of his iron grip, moving back towards the saloon doors, “I wasn’t finished with my beer!” crossing your arms after he pulled your waist back to him. 

“You look at me, sugar,” tilting your chin up to notice his dilated pupils in the moonlight, “you know exactly what the fuck you were doin’,” using that hand to grip your throat, a moan falling faintly from your lips as he lowered his cowboy hat to hide his gaze. 

“Now, ya fuckin’ slut,” he groaned, loving the feeling of your quickening pulse in his fingertips, “here’s what’s gonna happen, baby,” moving to whisper his threat in your ear, “I’m gonna tie your ass up like the fuckin’ brat you are, and you’re gonna take the ride home in the bed of my pick up,” releasing his grip only for you to cry out for the loss of contact. 

“Behave,” he tsked, waving a finger as he went to grab his good rope, untying it as he watched you get on the ground like the damn pig you were acting like tonight. 

“See?” he chimed, bending over to your hands and feet as he started to wrap you up, “even sluts like you seem to listen after a lil’ forceful action,” finishing his work as he slapped your clothed pussy as hard as he possibly could.

“Fuck, Phil!” you screamed in pain and pleasure, trying to wriggle your way out of the tie he’d made. 

“Aw, sugar,” he chuckled lighting a cigarette as he watched you writhe on the ground, “swearin’ and bein’ a brat isn’t gonna getcha far,” inhaling and exhaling as he thought about what to do with you at the cabin later. 

GOD MY FUCKIN’ HEAD HURTS BRUH I’M SO HORNY OVER THESE MEN MY GOD... ALSO I HATE MYSELF FOR SAYING WHALE COCK I CANT EVEN RN

WELL BYE!😂

[grumpygreenwitch]

Summer Gardening.

So it’s been a while, and for that I apologize to the... 200+ people who follow me. I’m sure y’all are here for the cat pics and the nekked men, but TOO BAD. Today you get to suffer through pics of my green children. Also, I do share seed. My seed list link will be up later in the year. To begin with, the summer flowers are out en force:

Echinacea Purpurea, the original echinacea. I do save yearly seed from these guys, although it’s an incredibly pointy, stabby and bleed-y job. 

Mountain Phlox. Unfortunately, all of it around the house is afflicted with powdery mildew, so I will not share seed. But it’s still pretty to look at, and the clearwings (hummingbird moths) love it. Not pictured is the white variant, who grows on the other side of the house. Look, it was hot and I was already melting.

Peppermint Balsam. This thing is basically indestructible, for an annual. It will reseed freely (to truly Lovecraftian levels) and blooms continuously from late spring until mid-fall, when the seed-pods set. There is a dormant genetic in it for double flowers, but when it pops up it’s always been sterile. It just pops up occasionally from the peppermint seed.

I may give the roommate hell over the hostas (I hate them. They’re so useful to protect toads and control weeds, but I hate them), but they do put out pretty flowers. There are several variants around the house - white-edged, blue and green, but hostas in general are very, very hard to start from seed. I will save it on request, only. We were also incredibly lucky to have a Moth Mullein sprout in our porch bed, along with some Variegated Solomon’s Seal.The SS doesn’t put out seeds, and I don’t have enough to share bulbs (yet), but the mullein has been exceptionally generous with seed pods, and it repels bugs. It repels ROACHES. It’s going everywhere. And I may be convinced to part with some seed.

Onward!

A view from a hill. Can you see the garden? That’s OK, I can’t either. Those are peach trees, on the side of the orchard closest to the house. Unfortunately a freak storm during early spring killed all the blossoms. Also, don’t mistake ‘orchard’ for ‘organized’. There’s a pear, some apples, a plum, some nectarines? And front and center are two walnuts. I’ll probably be plunking my laurel there to see if it survives winter. And someday when I have a job and money again, I would like to drop a few Chicago Hardy figs, and maybe a kiwi trellis.

This is the big garden (and fortunately not my responsibility, or I would cry). The guys are ‘handling’ it. The weeds say otherwise.

The jasmine tree and the roommate’s garden. Because of a bad back injury that refuses to heal, I’ve been helping them on and off with it. And if you thought jasmine was supposed to stay a delightful little bush, AHAHAHAHAH. Yes, that’s a light-post next to it. For size comparison.

MY CHILDREN. Please ignore the dead soccer ball. That’d be a dog toy.

Lemon balm, amaranth, and a new bed that I’ll be finishing off during fall, for use next year. The lemon balm is a permanent row - it will overwinter just fine, and it will even keep growing through the mildest part of December. Mine didn’t die back until a few solid days of sleet in January. Unfortunately the weed fabric under the amaranth turned out to be an old roll, and fell apart on me (no big, the whole point is for it to fall apart eventually), so the weeds have kinda eaten it alive.

Unfortunately, both cucumber beetles and blister beetles love the amaranth. Fortunately, it does not seem to give a damn. It’s an incredibly resilient plant, not minding weeds, bugs, flood or drought. We’ll see what the grain actually tastes like, but so far it’s looking like a good candidate for continuous growing.

The lemon balm is lemon-balming. Planted on a lark, it’s proven to be a fantastic wind-breaker - because it grows so early and so quick, it keeps the colder winds that come down through the hollow from my more fragile seedlings, like the lettuce, dill and cilantro. You can see here where the spent flower-heads are dying but there’s new growth underneath; I really have to get in there and behead it. It makes nice hot tea, meh cold tea, and hanging fresh bunches of it around the balcony keeps the skeeters off. It also seems to be a decoy for cabbage moths.

Canary Zinnia. The seed was sent to me as a gift with one of my seed orders, and this is my first year growing it. -If- I can save some, I’ll definitely be sharing and growing again. It’s a lovely plant, very sturdy, and the bees love it.

Dwarf Castor Oil. I don’t think there’s anything dwarf about it, but then I’m a short green witch myself, so maybe it’s all about perspective. Don’t let the pods lie to you, until they dry the spikes are relatively soft. However, it being castor oil, I don’t recommend it to anyone with ducks, chickens, goats, or anything that might accidentally try talking a nibble or pecking at the beans. I do, however, recommend them from jewelry if you know how to pierce things and so on. They are a gorgeous tiger-stripe pattern.

Say hello to the chard! Say goodbye to the chard! Nothing else, absolutely nothing else since the limas, has given me so much trouble. The deer love getting into my chard bed and destroying it (ergo all the forks). And once I managed to chase those off, the blister beetles showed up in force. This will be the last year I grow it - we just don’t eat enough of it to make it worth my while, and it only occasionally sold at the Farmers’ Market.

Red lettuce - Merlot and Lollo Vino, a combination of bought and saved seed. I planted a red romaine of some sort, too, but unsurprisingly it bolted in the heat. The darker reds of my favorites, though, keep bugs off them, keep deer from noticing them, and keep them from bolting. It’s just now threatening to, and at this point its kind of allowed. I need more seed for next year. Seed for this will likely be shared by the teaspoon-ful.

Calendula! I searched for a long time to find the plain ol’ calendula officinalis ancestor, rather than a cultivar where I would have no way of knowing if the medicinal principles would have been sacrificed for looks. It’s supposed to work well as poor man’s saffron (color, no taste), and I’m going to be soaking the heck outta my feet on it during winter. The plant is... not pretty. It gets leggy and the leaves get grotty very quickly. But it’s very sturdy and as long as you cut the flowerheads off as fast as you can, it’ll keep blooming until well into winter. I usually leave it to go to seed around late September.

Green cilantro seeds. You pick ‘em when they’re brown, but before they drop off the plant. Or you pick ‘em when they’re brown-ing, and put them in a paper bag so they’ll finish ripening there and you don’t end up with fifty wild cilantro plants in your garden >_> Most of the row is already gone, and I’ll be putting in a late dill crop in its place. No such thing as too  much dill!

Don’t let lemongrass lie to you. Unless you tie it up, it will not grow up neat and tidy, as most grass does. Instead it will sprawl like a dramatic wilting Elizabethan lady and do its best to end up under your feet so you’ll feel bad about it. I just tie it up with a half-blade of grass; it dries up and withers away before it can hurt the plant.

I ordered pennyroyal seed because... Well, because it’s something one should have on hand, considering the way the world is going. What I got was Creeping Pennyroyal, which doesn’t care if you step on it (mint family), smells absolutely delightful, and has the most adorable, tiny purple flowers. I plan on harvesting, drying and sprinkling it everywhere in the crawlspace under the house. Making war on cave crickets, wood roaches, and other such sundries, me.

The thyme and Spicy Oregano took a beating in the heat, but they’re slowly bouncing back. The bed behind them is more pennyroyal, desperately in need of weeding, but there’s only one of me, y’know.

SIGH. Just. You absolute, ill-mannered monster of a creature. That would be horseradish, gloriously happy to be alive, as horseradish should be. Also, NOT IN ITS BASKET. Because never mind the rules, I guess.

I don’t even know how I’m gonna dig that up come winter. With some construction equipment, I GUESS. 

Decorative gourd! It’s the only one producing so far, but being the seed was 10+ years old, I’m very pleased.

And an apple gourd (I think?), from a mixture of drying gourds that was only slightly less ancient. Snake, apple and birdhouse gourds. There’s a bunch of them competing in the basket at this point, we’ll see what we will see.

And this, I think, is a great use of a dead canopy frame (the dogs ate the canopy. No, I’m not making it up.) I hope to coax the gourds to grow me a lil’ roof so I can sit in shade, surrounded by pennyroyal anti-skeeter barriers, eating my maters.

My Peter Peppers (nrehehehehe) aren’t producing yet - it takes them a while. But my Chinese 5-Color are getting started. It’s a lovely pepper, both edible and ornamental, with (so I’m told) about four times the heat of a Jalapeno. They’re tiny, with deep purple undertones to the plant. They’ll go purple-white-yellow-orange-red.

The bullhorns, on the other hand, are fairly sizable SWEET peppers on very tiny plants, and I honestly suggest staking them while they’re young so they grow a sturdy trunk, else you might end up with all of them growing at a slant.They’re just now beginning to turn colors. Keeping in mind I’m virulently allergic to peppers (less so sweet than hot, but allergic to all of them), the roommate loves ‘em.

It’s a small pepper bed - mainly to refresh my seed on the hots, and to grow sweets for the roommate. Pardon the nekked bed, the autumn lettuce hasn’t sprouted yet. And yes, that’s a mixed basil/dill bed next to it. My basil grew in patchy holes (NEVER buying from those seed people again), so I filled the holes with dill. Unfortunately, dill seed heads are so fine that they’re hard to photograph well.

The tomato row. After arguing with them for this long, I went the extra mile. Every plant has a metal stake. There’s also a double line growing at the top supporting the stakes so they don’t fall over. And they still fell over. Because why not, you unruly children, why not.

Green, white, pink and brown cherry tomatoes. Delicious!

Two kinds of cucumbers, some of the only decent shots of the dill seed-heads, and a special guest hiding in the shade. I usually plant dill as soon as the cucumber sprouts, to keep cucumber beetles off it. Otherwise I’d have no cucumbers and a lot of fat beetles.

The Muncher is a small cucumber, somewhat delicate. It’s very sensitive to temperature changes, and it’s candy to cucumber beetles - basically, it’s impossible to grow it without a heavy curtain of dill, or a heavy duty decoy. This year I got lucky enough to have both. It’s also delicious pickled, keeping its crunch and getting a good ooomph in flavor.

The Japanese Long is, as the name implies, long. It’s also incredibly bitey, and absolutely scrumptious. It’s sweet! And unlike the average cucumber, it does not go metallic when salted.

And now for the SPECIAL CHILD OF MY HEART. Seriously. I have been lusting after Blue Tea Peas since I first saw them offered, and every single time they’d be sold out pretty much the day of. This year I finally got some and... remember me mentioning that freak freeze that killed the peach blossoms? Yeah. Guess what it also killed. But two plants soldiered on. I have them heavily shielded by the cucumbers, dill and chamomile, and really I have no words for the blue. Pics don’t do it justice. I won’t have the tea this year, I’m saving as much seed as I can, but I am so pleased to have it at all!

 Last, but not least, and it’s a poor shot of it, the chamomile. I cannot drink chamomile to sleep - it does put me to sleep, but it also gives me bad dreams. I plan on using it as a skin wash for all the bug bites, along with the calendula, and to give me some respite from dry skin during winter.

Stay green! See you in fall! Now back to our normal schedule of frogs, cats and nekked men!

[cryptidprimalslayer]

Precipice Pt. 1: Rak’Tika

this is Ney’s time in the First so uhh spoilers for essentially the entirety of SHB. 

You know the saying too much of a good thing is a bad thing? this is one of those moments. this is the exact definition of that saying. all this damn white bullshit and blankness. i hate everything. i hate sineaters, i hate doing things against my will. i wanna rip his ears off and feed them to the Lightwardens. he could’ve just brought me but no he had to bring her and him and the other who i swear i dont know how he got here. really i dont like anyone here and i’d like to leave with my unwilling party like yesterday. but things can never be easy and i have to do my worst nightmare; play the hero successfully. the Scions wouldve been a better group then me, more willing. like of all the things that couldve happened to me. whatever, it is what it is. lemme just go find someone then. 

 i couldn’t take one step out of the Crystarium without immediately having ten things on my ass tryna kill me. i outran them and finally arrived in someplace different. it was a forest again swarming with things that wanted to kill me but i dispatched them with medium effort. this Light is really killing my eyes. granted i live in a perpetually overcast environment but beggars can’t be choosers. i was walking along looking but not looking for ay signs of life when i came across an abandoned settlement. it looked burnt down as well. Ah the unwanted memories...... i blinked and suddenly i was surrounded. funny i didn’t even hear them approach. “it’s alone we can take it!” an arrow cut through the air and lodged into my thigh. i heard two different cries as i fell to my knees. one was mine and the other must’ve been these people’s leader cause they all stood down. i heard this one approach this time as i was focused on my new accessory. then they started to speak, well yell was more accurate, at the people.

“who fired that arrow?...... i said WHO FIRED THE ARROW?!” i looked up in time to see everyone flinch then an Miqo’te, or i guess Mystel here, raised their hand slowly. the man walked over to them and then smacked them in the face. that gauntlet probably leaves a nice mark. “I distinctly remember saying let me see what it is when you reported you found something unusual. tell me does that look like a sineater to you?”  he facepalmed then walked up to me helping me to my feet; i had already dislodged the arrow and did my best to close the wound. 

“Lovely group ya got here man. i can tell we’ll get along just fine.” he rolled his eyes and cleaned up my shotty healing job; though his wasn’t entirely perfect either, he’s no white mage.

“C’mon i’ll show you to our camp.” he held my arm as we slowly made our way to their humble home. that hurt more then it should, i feel like lead tryna hold myself upright and walk. he mustve noticed it as well since he stopped and picked me up with an inaudible grumble. there was of course pain in my thigh but it was spreading like fire in my veins. i’m embarrassed to say i blacked out while being carried. How weak this makes me look. i believe i was in and out of consciousness a few times, one was the pace was now running instead of walking, second was being taken into a house and laid on a bed, the last was several people standing over me. i’m unsure how much time was passed after that, with this eternal light and all. i sat up, pushing the handmade blanket off of me and looked around. i saw my rapier propped against the bedframe and a vacant chair at my bedside. how long was i out? “how hard have you been pushing yourself Ney? after we absolved the poison you passed out again and it’s been two days since you first came to these woods.” the voice came from the door so i looked up and saw him. 

“why is this any of your concern hm? i dont recall my mother being a Dark Knight. You shouldn’t have let me sleep that long then if you’re so concerned.” 

He let out a aggravated huff and came over, sitting backwards in the seat and staring at me. “I let you sleep that long because i was that concerned like it or not. You’re pushing yourself to exhaustion then not giving yourself enough rest before doing it all over again. you will keel over eventually Ney, i know you know this.” i dont have my other arm to cross them so i just looked away with a huff of my own. he responded by grabbing my chin and forcing me to look him in the eye. i always did find them an odd shade, never certain if they were entirely silver or slightly yellowish. “You just don’t get it do you? People are going to care about you regardless of your shoving them away.”

“It’s only because i’m-”

He actually stood up and hurled the chair at the wall, pulled me to my feet holding me by my shoulders; giving me a good shake. “FUCK THE TWELVE NEY IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM.” i’ve never heard someone get so passionate about someone else’s lifestyle. not even Hien gets this loud when annoyed with my self care methods. “Fuck your crystal of light, fuck the echo fuck everything you think people only care about you for. i’m talking to Ney Tswarri the Viera in front of me, not the primal slayer i hear about every other day.” i’m gonna save you the trouble and just say he yelled at me a lot more about how i need to care about myself and then a few holes in the walls and some broken furniture later he composed himself and gave me some food. i was under the impression he’d force feed me this stew so i ate it slowly. i had to eat until i was full then and only then was i allowed to make small talk with him. “It’s been five years i believe since i first came here. i’ve done what i can for these people but it’s clear a white mage would’ve been more useful.” then become a white mage is that so hard? he talks of the sineaters and a possible Lightwarden nearby according to some rumors. i was sitting during all of this so i stood then promptly fell on my face. 

“Did you really have to remove my leg as well?” i pulled myself into a sitting position and scanned the room for my leg. so you wouldn’t immediately run off and get yourself killed without proper knowledge or preparations, honestly fuck you man; it’s like you want to stay or some shit. 

“it’s also nighttime so back to bed with you.” Fray went over to the thrown chair and collected it, setting it by my bed to sit guard. Guess there’s always wait for him to fall asleep and look for the leg later. i pulled myself into bed and rolled towards the wall so he couldn’t see if i was asleep or not. “And actually sleep Ney......please.” but im not tired i literally just woke from a two day slumber. 

They don’t know the reason i dont sleep much or at all is i cant let the nightmares find me cause then there’s no chance of sleeping again. they just so happened to find me this night and i woke in a cold sweat convinced the house was on fire, tumbling outta bed. “Hey whoa there. it was a nightmare you’re fine now. see look nothing’s different then it was. you’re fine. i’m fine. there’s no fire.” so i talked in my sleep did I? we stayed seated on the floor, the blanket tangled still around my legs while i tried to calm myself back down. “i know you don’t want to but i need you to try and sleep again. it’s the middle of the night.” 

when i woke next, i can only assume it’s morning, i found we were still on the ground but we had shifted to leaning against the bed. i had been resting on a pillow placed in his lap with a blanket over me, as well as his arm resting at my chest. i guess i’m staying then, enjoy the quiet hours. 

[stanbillyhargrove]

Demons pt 16

Billy Hargrove x Reader (Cat)

T/W: Self Harm (Cat), Abuse, Eating Disorder   Cat has a lot of issues

BIG WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT, DRUGS

This will be a multi chapter series with fluff, smut, angst, all the things

Friday-fourth week of school

Billy's POV

"Hey man, your girl needs to be picked up."

I scoffed at Tommy over the phone, "I'm on lockdown, Hall. And anyway she's not my girl now."

Tommy groaned, "whatever fight you caused, apologize, she's off the handle."

"Off the handle, how?"

I could hear music and people shouting in the background, causing Tommy's voice to raise, "those creeps from out of town are back, they've been hanging around her... She's high man, outta her mind high."

I bristled, anger spiking through me, "I haven't seen her all week, she's been avoiding me. Try someone else, call me back if there's nobody else and I'll figure something out."

"Yeah, okay."

"Hall?"

"What?"

I huffed, wiping my hand across my face, "keep an eye on her until someone gets her?"

Tommy sighed, "yeah, sure, okay."

Cat's POV

Steve picked me up from the party, angry that he had been getting his own buzz on and was called to come get me. Dragged me away would be a better description, I just was feeling so good. I had been drunk enough not to care about joining a group of pot heads and was thoroughly out of my mind. Steve had to pull a guy off my face in order to drag me away, I just wanted to be touched, to feel good, normal.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He growled once he had stuffed me in the car.

"Mmm I just, just want to be normal."

"Well this is not normal, you've been moping around all week and now you're sneaking off to get fucked up."

"You know what, Steve? Nobody, nobody fucking asked you," I mumbled, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"You asked for my help and I helped you, remember? I'm still trying to help you but I can't do anything if you're not trying to help yourself," Steve sighed, pulling the car into his driveway.

I huffed, quietly glaring out the window for the rest of the drive. When we got back to Steve's, he basically had to carry me inside and was trying his best to get me to go to bed.

"You need to sleep it off, Cat."

"But Steeevviiieee."

"No, nope, go to sleep," he grumbled from the door, "I'll be back."

I whined, shuffling around in his sheets to wrap myself up in the softness. When he came back he had a large glass of water and two Tylenol, only two, he'd hidden all the medication in his house when he brought me here and doled it out to me like a nurse when needed.

Spending the week with Steve hadn't been too bad, he had been strict but it was kind of nice to have someone around who cared. He'd started going for runs with me to make sure I was okay after he had woke up Monday morning to me being "missing" and he had called all the kids with a code red and had a fit when I finally came back to his house sweaty and out of breath. He'd also been trying to force me to eat, shoving food at me and watching until I took a bite and frowning every time I walked around with my giant cup of Diet Coke. We'd fought about that on Tuesday, after a few days of that being my main source of food, Steve had exploded, his emotions still running high from finding me. The rest of the week had been nicer, easier, after Steve had unloaded his pent up emotions but I could tell when he sat down to drink a couple beers before sliding into bed beside me every night that it still weighed on him.

Steve crawled the bed beside me and I rolled over, placing my hands on his chest, fingers curling into his warmth and shifted closer to him. His breath smelled of beer, like he had chugged one or two more before coming to bed.

"Steve?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you love me?"

He choked, surprised by how straight forward I was, "what?"

"Do you?" I tipped my head up to look at his confused face.

"I saved your life."

"That's not the question, Steve."

"Of course I do, I wouldn't have brought you here if I didn't care about you. But not, I'm not like, in love with you, you know? I love you as my friend."

I smiled, "I love you too, Stevie. As a friend."

He smirked, a light laugh shaking his chest. Slowly, I inched my face closer to his, "Steve?"

He gulped, "y-yeah?"

"Do you trust me?"

Our faces were inches apart and I could feel the movement of the pillow when he nodded.

"Can I try something?"

Steve nodded again and I pushed myself forward until our lips met and felt the shocked noise he made vibrate through my lips.

"Cat," he breathed, "what? You're drunk and, and what about Billy?"

"Steve. I can't be with him if I can't get past this. I can't be with anybody, I just, I need to feel normal, I need to try, Stevie. Please? It won't, won't mean anything."

Steve hummed, "Cat.."

"Please?"

"I mean..sure? Are you sure?"

I nodded, rolling over top of him. He let out a shaky breath under me before I kissed him. His lips were so soft against mine, it was strange compared to Billy's rough lips. The drugs and alcohol were effecting me though and I couldn't stop the moan that bubbled up in my throat when his tongue swept along my lip. Slowly, I slid my hands down his sides, feeling him tense under my cool fingers. Steve's hands came up to my hips, gripping tightly and I whimpered into his mouth.

He broke the kiss and looked at me, "you okay?"

"Mhm," I nodded, " just, uhm, gentle, okay?" My heart was starting to pound and I took a deep breath to steady myself.

"Yeah, yep, okay," he murmured, loosening his hands on me.

A low groan built in Steve's throat as I sucked under his jaw and pressed light kisses down to his collarbone. I slid my body down Steve's chest, stopping just above his boxers to look up at him. Steve met my gaze with plush lips parted, a sigh escaping him when I kissed the dip of his hips. I hooked my fingers in his boxers and slowly pulled them down, freeing his cock. I ran my tongue up his shaft, flicking up at the tip before taking him into my mouth.

Steve's head tipped back into the pillows, "oh, jesus."

I hummed, bobbing up and down and using my hand to stroke him. Steve's hips twitched up when I sucked on his head, a low whine coming from his lips. Slowly, I began working his cock into my throat, taking it as far as I could before coming back up to suck his tip. Steve's curses and moans filled the room as I kept up the slow, leisurely pace. I splayed a hand on his stomach, feeling him shiver and pant under my touch.

"Cat, oh fuck, I," he groaned, wrapping his hand around mine.

I brought my head up, smirking at his whine, "feel good, Stevie?"

"Yes," he hissed, "please, oh fuck, please."

I hummed, taking his cock back in my mouth and sucked him harder, faster until. Until Steve's fingers clenched around mine and I held him in my throat, swallowing his cum. Breathless, I stripped my pajama bottoms off and slid up his chest until I was straddling his waist. Steve's arms slid up my sides, pulling me down to his chest.

He nuzzled into my neck, softly kissing along my pulse, "holy shit, Cat, you...you're...amazing."

I smiled, arching into his kiss and felt him shifting and lifting me so he was sitting against the headboard with me in his lap. I wrapped my arms around him, one hand sliding into his hair and the other grabbing his shoulder. Steve nosed along my jaw and placed kisses along my temple, cheek and the corner of my mouth. I sighed into his mouth when our lips met and gently rocked my hips against him. I could feel him half hard against my leg as he reached down to grab the hem of my shirt.

"This okay?" He breathed.

I nodded, lip between my teeth as he pulled my shirt up and off. Steve groaned and cupped the side of my face in his hand, his other hand loosely wrapped around my waist. I turned my head into his palm, the smooth pad of his thumb rubbing gently against my cheek.

I let out a shakey breath into his hand and wrapped my hands around his shoulders as I rolled my hips into him again, feeling his cock grind against me.

Steve cleared his throat, "there's..uh, condoms in the drawer, uhm...if..you know.." he stammered, motioning towards his bedside table.

I laughed and reached over to fumble in the drawer for a foil, dropping it on the bed beside us. Just in case nothing happened. I lifted myself up so that his cock was just barely pressing into me. That alone was enough to make my heart start racing and my hands start to shake against his shoulders. I whimpered, chest starting to heave with panicked breaths and dropped my face into his shoulder when tears sprung to my eyes.

"Hey," Steve whispered into my ear, pressing his lips to the side of my face, "hey, you're safe. I've got you, you're safe, I got you." He smoothed his hands down my back, "just tell me what you need, Cat, okay?"

I nodded, a few tears falling into his shoulder as a sob ripped through my chest.

"I'm sorry, Stevie."

He shushed me, kissing my hair softly, "don't be sorry. We don't have to, you can stop.. if you need to."

I sniffed, let out a couple shaky breaths and dropped back down into his lap, his cock pressed between us. Steve wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to his chest and ran his hands up and down my back while I cried. His nose buried in my hair as he shushed me and waited for me to calm down.

After a while I succeeded in pushing down my panic enough to try again. I knotted my hand in his hair as we kissed, moaning with him as his cock stiffened again. Slowly, I worked up the courage to slide down onto his cock, both of us gasping loudly as he filled me. Steve's head tipped back against the headboard with a loud groan as I started grinding against him. I kept slowly rocking into him, only stopping when he instinctively grabbed my hips, fingers digging in a little too hard.

"S-Stevie," I whimpered, a shaking hand pressed against his bicep.

He stopped with a small whine, taking a second to realize what was wrong and loosened his grip, "shit, I'm sorry, I didn't...just..if you want to keep going we should uh.." he pointed at the condom on the bed.

"Yeah, I'm okay," I breathed.

--

Another panic attack hit me after he came again, ruining the post orgasm high with my hyperventilating and crying. Steve's face had been so full of worry when I started crying, he grabbed my face and curled his body around my own.

"Cat, did I do something wrong? Oh fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

I whimpered, shaking my head and dug my fingers into his arms. He held me tight until my sobs quieted down and then leaned back to look at my face, his chest slick with my tears.

"Cat?"

I just shook my head and pushed myself off the bed to find clothes, feeling extra naked, exposed. I knew that the marks on my skin made Steve upset, that they were part of the reason why Steve had sucked down beer every night before bed and just wanted to cover up. He waited until I slid back into the warm sheets after pulling on one of his sweaters and curled me into his arms, nuzzling into me to press kisses along my face.

"Sorry, Stevie," I murmured, "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up...I'm sorry I keep dragging you down with me."

Steve leaned back to look at me, "hey, hey, look at me, Cat. Don't apologize, okay? You're not dragging me down. I promise." He grabbed my face in his hands and kissed the tears from my cheek, "now, stop crying, okay?"

--

It was early in the morning when we were forced to wake up. The pounding on the front door shocked Steve and I awake, scrambling out of each other's arms. Rocky paced the room, barking as Steve jumped into a pair of sweatpants, almost falling on his face trying to pull them up.

I snorted and slowly rolled out of the bed, my head throbbing, "Steve, Tylenol."

The doorbell started ringing, whoever was at the door obviously impatient.

"Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, it's hidden under the sink in my parent's bathroom," he rushed, one hand on the bedroom door. "Cat," he looked back at me, a stern look on his face, "two. I'll know if you take any more than that."

--

Billy's POV

I bounced on my feet, waiting for fucking Harrington to open the door, my anger rising the longer I waited. Finally, I heard the lock click back and he pulled the door open. Steve had obviously just rolled out of bed, dressed only in a pair of dark sweatpants and his hair a tousled mess. Held back by his hand was...Rocky?

"What are you doing here, Hargrove?"

I motioned towards the dog, "is that Cat's dog?"

Steve's eyebrows knit together, "yeah, and?"

My jaw ticked, "why is Rocky here?"

He went quiet for a second, "she asked me to take him for a couple days. What do you need, Hargrove?"

I noticed the light purple bruise under his jaw, and thought of the string of fading bruises on my own neck that started in the same spot.

"Tommy called me last night, said Cat needed a ride home."

"And?"

I swept my tongue across my bottom lip, hands flexing against my legs, "she wasn't home, Harrington. Where's my girl?"

Steve bristled, "last I heard, she wasn't your girl."

"Misunderstanding," I ground out, itching to put my fist through his pretty face.

"Well she's not here, Tommy called me so I picked her up and took her home. Maybe she went out."

I could see the panic in Steve's eyes when he heard footsteps approaching. Over his shoulder I saw Cat come down the hallway, dressed in black leggings and one of Steve's sweaters. The sleeves hung almost to the end of her fingers, in any other instance it would have looked cute but seeing her here, in Harrington's fucking house, wearing his fucking clothes after seeing him half naked and bruised was enough to set me off.

"Steve? Who's at the..." her eyes widened when she saw me, "B.."

"You fucking whore," I spat, "I knew it. I knew you were fucking him and I was stupid enough to believe you for a second!"

She cowered a bit, wrapping her arms around herself, "no, B, you don't understand, I swear."

I growled, "save it. Everything you say is bullshit, Cat. You could have just told me you'd rather be with fucking Harrington."

Tears sprung to her already puffy eyes as she tried to step forward towards me, stopped only by Steve pushing Rocky into her.

"Take Rocky outside."

"Steve, you-"

He didn't even look at her, just stayed glaring at me, "not asking."

She looked between us, concerned but when neither of us moved she gave Rocky's collar a tug and led him to the back of the house. I waited until I Cat was well out of range before stepping up to Steve, our chests inches from each other.

"Wanna tell me why the fuck you lied to me, Harrington?"

Steve squared his shoulders, trying to hide the fear that crossed his face, "misunderstanding."

"No, no, I understand perfectly. You cozied up to her and fucked her right under my nose. But hey, she wants to whore around you can have her," I sneered, fingers flexing.

Steve pressed a finger to my chest, "listen, asshole-"

My fist cracked across Steve's jaw, sending him stumbling back a step. I followed him into his house and sent him sprawling to the floor with another well aimed punch. I pounced on him, letting my anger take over as I pummeled his face with my fists. I barely flinched the couple times he managed to land a punch, I was so focused on wanting to kill Steve Harrington. I felt something pull on my shoulders and twisted to push it away. There were hands grabbing at me that I brushed off. Before I realized it Cat had thrown herself between Steve and I, my fist slamming into her back with a momentum I couldn't stop. A force that was meant to break Steve. Her scream tore through the house, cutting through my anger and I felt like my soul had been wrenched from my body at the realization of what I had done. Cat wrapped herself tighter around Steve, her body shielding his face and sobbed.

"Cat.." I breathed, leaning back and panting heavily.

"Billy, please, you don't understand," she cried, turning her tear streaked face to look at me.

I slowly got to my feet, unable to register anything past my shock and left, left Cat sobbing over Steve's bloody face. I shakily got into my car and drove away slamming my fist into my steering wheel, her scream still echoing in my mind.

@charmed-asylum @savagesuccubus @elsie2018 @speedmetalqueen

[winterscaptain]

directors commentary on absence plzzz

what an excellent choice!! 

commentary in bold italics

So the BH arc was chopped to shit while I was working on it, because I couldn’t decide what Mom got REALLY mad about. Because Derek really had the corner on being mad at Aaron over Emily and I wanted to push it into the personal a little more. 

Plus, I sometimes think the “let’s get mad at Aaron and JJ for Emily” is a touch overplayed and definitely would have been that way in this story. 

You let yourself into his apartment, slamming the door behind you. He’s been waiting for you, leaning against the windowsill across from the door. 

“How dare you.”

He sighs and presses a hand to his forehead. “You have to understand that I -”

“Bullshit, Aaron. I don’t have to understand a goddamn thing. What are you thinking? We need you.” 

His head tips up, and he looks through you. The haunted look in his eyes almost makes you falter - it so acutely reminds you of the days following Haley’s death - but you keep your resolve. You know what that is? Growth! Mom is REFUSING to cave to his inner demons bullshit. He doesn’t say anything, just lets you yell at him until it’s out of your system. You could never actually hate him and he knows that, which makes some of it easier, but not all of it. 

This was also the fight that was originally written for Mean It, but I spliced different beats in based on what the story called for. This one fit much better here, and increases the stakes because he’s about to leave. 

The tears start and pick up speed as you continue, nearly at a shout. “You’ve known for seven months that you were going to leave for Pakistan. I read the brief. Seven. Fucking. Months, Aaron. You didn’t tell us when the task force assignment came through. Emily died, and you’re still leaving?” He flinches. And they’re so worked up they don’t even notice the magnitude or depth of the flinch like they usually would. “You’re leaving me and Jack. You’re leaving our team. I never thought you could do something like that to us. Maybe them, but not me. Never to me. I mean, after everything we’ve -” You cut yourself off and raise the back of your hand to your mouth, unable to finish the unbearably painful thought.

I had a ridiculous amount of fun writing this fight. I LOVE writing fights. 

And “wet anger” as @ssaic-jareau​ put it, is so much more interesting and damning than dry anger for situations like this, especially in opposition to Aaron.  

He’s not sure which part is the most painful - the fact that you list yourself with Jack instead of with the team, the fact that you say ‘our team,’ or the tone that drips with hurt. The sob that rips through your chest breaks his heart. Remember in enough when he was thinking about the horror of causing them pain? Yeah me too. He leans heavily against the arm of his couch, knocked down by the weight of your tears. 

No - the hardest part is knowing he deserves it, that you aren’t saying anything that isn’t unfair or untrue. 

Mom’s anger and hurt feeds right into his insecurities. This is quite literally his worst fear come to life, and as confident as he is in the strength of their relationship, he is terrified that he wont come back from this one. 

“I can’t even look at you right now.” 

He can only watch you as you walk back out, leaving the door open behind you. 

There’s something so satisfying about leaving the door open after a fight. Like the drama of a slammed door is one thing, but I’ve always preferred creating a situation in which the other person has to get up and close the door behind you. 

From experience, it’s incredibly satisfying. 

About twenty minutes later, he receives a text.

9:34pm I’ll be there tomorrow at 12:30 to take you to base. Be ready when I get there. 

He crawls into bed about a half an hour later, and receives another text.

10:05pm Goodnight. 

The period at the end of that text is like the death knell for Aaron. 

Fuck. 

OOOOOOOH Aaron you done fucked up, kiddo. Good thing you’re self aware and have literal MONTHS without Mom to figure it out :)

(God he’s an idiot)

+++

The ride to base ride is mostly silent, and you know something’s wrong. It’s nothing you can articulate or even really put your finger on, but it’s something bigger than just his imminent absence.

As much as they know about each other, their emotional tuning forks can’t get past what they won’t share with the other. In this instance, Mom has not the first clue about what he’s hiding from her. How could she know?

He’s boarding a C-130 supply transport to Pakistan, and it will no doubt be a long and deeply uncomfortable flight. His go bag, packed with desert fatigues and a couple of creature comforts, looks smaller than usual at his feet. 

“How long?”

He sighs and shakes his head. “Taskforce operations are need-to-know.” There’s so much he can’t tell you, and it eats at him. Because it’s you, and he’s been an ass, he concedes a little. And also he can only keep so many secrets from them. “Probably a couple of months.”

“We’ll be okay, Aaron.” A little laugh leaves him, and it pulls a smile from you. “What?”

“Remember when you chased me down last night to tell me the team couldn’t do this without me?” 

This is a dialogue motif for sure - it shows up all over the place in this series. 

Remember all those other times you chased him down to yell at him about something? Yeah, those too. 

You roll your eyes. “It’s still true, but we’ll manage. We always do.” There’s a moment of silence, and you continue. “And you’re going where you’re needed - that helps.” 

It’s true. Your anger had cooled (just a little) overnight, and you decided you didn’t want him to leave while you were still upset with each other. 

You already miss him. 

Yes, that’s a motif and the reference in fear itself, with Haley. 

“Don’t think I’m not still mad at you.”

He looks out the window, and you can hear the wheels turning in his head. Jack is on his mind, and so are you. There’s nothing more nauseating than the thought of leaving you while you’re still hurting from Emily’s loss. “I know.” 

Why are you going through with this, Hotchner?

Oh, right. You’re a coward. 

“I just don’t want our last conversation before you leave to be a fight.” You sniff, but don’t look at him as you continue driving down the highway. 

I think this is their version of not “going to bed angry” as the saying goes. There was this fear I tried to convey that if they fought before he left and something happened to him, your last words to each other would be angry ones.

I am perhaps the most undeserving man on the planet. 

You’re also an idiot, Aaron. 

He says, “Thank you. I don’t want that either,” but he hopes you can hear what else he can’t say. 

He has the same fear - of something happening to them (because he’s never worried about himself) while he’s gone, coming home to another funeral. 

I love you. I’m sorry. 

+++

“Alright, you’ve got everything you need?” You stand next to him on the tarmac, shading your eyes from the sun. 

Aaron hikes his bag higher on his shoulder. “Think so. You gonna be alright?”

This was the first scene I saw. I so clearly envisioned the blinding sunlight in the middle of the afternoon during a Virginia spring with the two of them standing out there in a kind of isolated no-mans-land out on the tarmac. 

You nod and reach for him. He embraces you, tucking his head into your shoulder. “You be safe, Aaron Hotchner. If you die out there I’ll kill you myself.” 

He chuckles, and you hope the sound is enough to keep your heart from breaking too much over the next couple of months. Your eyes close as he presses a kiss to your cheek. This image made my heart hurt. “I’ll check in when I can.”

Shoving against his chest, you turn him around and push him toward the plane. “Get outta here.” And that, kids, is what we call emotional redirection and a repressive coping strategy!

He takes one last look over his shoulder when he reaches the ramp and offers you a wave. You return it. 

+++

You manage to get to the highway before the tears start. The only person you want to talk to is Emily. She’d know exactly what to say, and she’d make sure your days off were full of fun and good company. You pull off on the side of the road, your head falling into your hands, sobs wracking through you.

When you’re able to keep driving, your chest hurts beyond belief. 

Without her, these months seem to stretch before you forever. 

+++

“Ready or not, here I come!” You call across the apartment, sneaking through the familiar rooms with practiced ease. 

This was another one of those very clear scenes that just popped into my head. 

Aaron’s been away for close to a month, and you’ve settled into a routine. Cases, of course, keep you busy. Derek’s rather good at playing Unit Chief - decisive and collaborative - but you miss Aaron’s steady, even hand. 

Really, you miss everything about him. You try not to think about him too much. 

You fail, often. 

Avoiding thoughts of Aaron gets even harder as you creep into the master bedroom. The smell of him hasn’t left. Smell is such a strong link to memory and I just had to include that as something in this chapter of their lives. Like it’s so weird going into someone’s room, no matter how many times you’ve been there, and there’s no evidence that they’ve been there since the last time you saw them. Past the doorway, the air is spicy, masculine, and warm. You squint at the bed. One of the pillows moves, just a little, and you pounce, pulling the covers back and grabbing the wiggling pillow. 

Jack screeches and throws himself at you. You catch him and fall back on the bed, laughing. “I found you!”

Jess is off running errands for the afternoon, taking some well-earned time off. You’ll more than likely spend the night over here tonight to give her more of her weekend. It’s never any trouble to stay with Jack. You adore each other. 

I am so soft for Mom and Jack y’all.

Usually, Jack leaps right to his feet for another round, but he stays put after his fit of mirth passes, sprawling across your chest. 

“What are you thinking about over there?”

He sighs, and brings his little hands under his chin, propping his head up so he can look at you. He’s six, now - still very much a boy - but the pensive look on his face starkly reminds you of his father. Oh, don’t worry. He’ll keep doing that well into adulthood but the resemblance will only get scarier. “When’s dad going to be home?”

You push some hair off his forehead. “I’m not sure, my love. I’m hoping it’s only a couple more weeks, but it could be a little longer than that.” 

He sighs, and it breaks your heart a little. You turn on your side, and he curls into you, resting his head on your arm and tucking under your chin. Don’t worry. He’ll keep doing that, too. “Are you and my dad best friends?”

You laugh a little. “Yeah, I think so. Your dad and I have known each other for a long time.” His little hands play with the collar of your shirt. There’s more to his question. Jack’s just like his dad and takes a bit of ferreting out. Luckily, you’ve had plenty of practice. “What are you curious about, little bug?”

“Do you miss Dad?”

I always want to show that Jack feels safe with them, and can ask them harder questions without fear of judgment. 

A track of Aaron’s laugh, his smile, the way his arms feel around you flies through your head. “Yeah, I miss him a lot.” 

“I’m happy you’re here so we can miss him together.” You can almost hear Aaron’s voice in Jack’s. It sounds just like something he would say, and probably has said, talking to his son about Haley.

I love the things that kids kind of implicitly understand.

“Me too, buddy.” You kiss the top of his head. “Me too.” 

Jess returns about an hour later, groceries in-hand, to find you and Jack curled together in Aaron’s bed, snoozing the afternoon away. She snaps a picture with her phone, saving it in an album she keeps for Aaron. After she puts the groceries away, she escapes, leaving a note. 

I LOVE THESE little tableaus. And y'all know how much I like pictures. 

Did you notice that this picture comes up in mistletoe??

You’re on your own tonight and tomorrow. Have a good time with breakfast - he’s been picky lately. 

XO, Jess

+++

Back to back cases - five of them, to be exact, pull you through the next two months by the ear. Formal leadership wears on Derek more and more by the day, and you find yourself making just as many decisions as he does. That’s a fun parallel to season five!! You’re immensely proud of him, but the whole thing is exhausting. Most days feel held together by duct tape, with you and Rossi acting as the adhesive. 

Thus, your evening with Jess is both well-earned and much needed. 

“Wanna crash here tonight?” She sets a mug of tea down on the coffee table in front of you and sits heavily back on the couch. “It’s pretty late.”

You check your watch and find it is indeed late. Before you can answer, your phone rings, and you answer it with an apologetic glance toward Jess. “Hey, Morgan. What’s up?”

“We have sat call notification from Hotch. Can you come in?” He sounds exhausted. 

In real life, you don’t just get to carry sat phones around willy nilly. Satellite time is EXPENSIVE and the US Govt is FRUGAL in the extreme (when it comes to minor DoJ teams and stuff - don’t get me started on being a global police force because that’s a RABBIT HOLE)

“Yeah, I can be there in twenty. Is everything okay?”

He sighs. “Yeah, looks like a routine check-in.” 

Jess sighs, knowing the drill. She goes to the kitchen and pours your tea into a travel mug. 

Have I mentioned yet today that I LOVE Jess Brooks??

“Are you calling anyone else in?”

“Nope. Just you. See you when you get here.” He hangs up. 

You stare at your phone as Jess sits next to you again. “We have a call from Aaron coming in, and I have to head to the office.” She hands you your travel mug, and you take it gratefully. 

“You’re welcome back here - I can set up Aaron’s room for you. We’re a lot closer to the office than your place, and I don’t want you to drive if you’re too tired.” She sets a hand on your knee, and you reach over to embrace her. 

“Thanks, Jess.”

+++

When you arrive, Derek’s already on the phone. “… So, no leads?… Right.” He looks up and catches your eye. “Here, Hotch.”

You take the phone. “Hey.”

“Hi.” He sounds relieved. “Are you doing okay? How’s Jack?”

I love this moment, and I could so clearly picture some of the tension leaving his shoulders on the other end of the phone. 

His questions make you smile. “We’re good. He’s good. I just left the apartment - Jess and I were having some grown-up movie time.”

You’re warmed by his laugh. “Good. Glad to hear it. I was just telling Derek that the leads out here have gone cold, but we’re still working.”

“Ah. Any chance you’ll be home soon?” You avoid Derek’s searching gaze. 

Derek always knows something, doesn’t he?

“It doesn’t look that way, no. We’re picking up on some chatter out there, but nothing firm. We’ll have to keep out for a couple more weeks at least.”

Your heart drops, but you hide it as best you can. “Alright. Anything you need from us back here?”

“Just keep doing good work.” You know he can’t say much more than that, with more than a couple of NSA guys in between you on the line, not to mention the archival recording of the call. Both of those things actually happen, too. You can’t just say shit about shit over a sat phone. Even then, you know he means looking for Doyle. “That’s all I need from you.” 

“We can do that.” You give him a quick rundown of some recent cases, all surface-level. You’re mostly stalling, using up incredibly expensive satellite time just to hear his voice. 

You hear him sigh. “Alright, I gotta get back. Tell Jack and Jess I love them.” 

There’s also something unspoken here!! But we all knew that. 

“Of course.” You hand the phone back to Derek and wait while they finish up. Your eyes wander over the volumes of law books in Aaron’s bookshelf, the pictures of Jack and Haley and Jess behind his desk. Wandering over to his chair, you sit down and rest your head on your arms. 

Your eyes wander to a photo taken a year and a half ago at Haley’s service. You’re not sure who took it, but you’re crouched on the ground talking to Jack, while Aaron stands behind him with a hand on his head. Jack’s little hands are in yours, and he’s smiling a little. 

I am just a sucker for pictures. I know I’ve said this before, but they are such a wonderful vehicle for implicit characterization. I think, in some ways, he keeps this picture because in a kind of abstract, mournful way, it’s a photo of all four of them.

Of all the photos to keep on his desk…

Derek hangs up the sat phone and puts it back in the lockbox. He crosses the office and leans against the desk beside you, placing a hand on your shoulder. 

PHYSICAL CONTACT

+++

When you get back to the apartment (indeed much closer than your home), Jess is asleep in the guest room, and Jack’s still out like a light. 

Aaron’s bed feels far too big and far too cold without him. 

+++

The next time a sat call comes in, you can’t go into the office. Jack has the flu and is absolutely miserable. You can’t, in good conscience, leave Jess to her own devices. Between the vomit and the sleeplessness and the tears, four sets of hands are absolutely necessary. 

I think this is really one of those moments where they step into the parent role for Jack. I didn’t feel the need to explicitly note it in here, but that’s the way I approached this scene. 

“Derek, I can’t leave. Jack is literally puking his guts out as we speak, and I don’t have any new intel for Hotch.” 

Morgan huffs into the phone. “Come on. You know you’re the only one he actually wants to talk to and the only one who has any actual updates about Jack.” 

“You just have to tell him that I’m with Jack tonight because he’s got the flu. Isn’t that enough of an update?” You don’t really mean to snap at him, but the lack of sleep has made you a little punchy. 

“Fine. If he -”

“Yeah, I know. If he gets upset, just blame me. He can deal with me when he’s not in Pakistan. As long as there are twelve time zones between us, I’ll take my chances.”

“Fair enough.” 

Even though he’s Acting Unit Chief, they’re still best friends and you can tell lmao.

He hangs up, and you return to the hall bathroom, where Jack’s cheek is pressed against the toilet seat, his forehead damp and face pale. Jess is taking her turn to sleep - you’ll switch off in an hour. 

“Hey, bubba.”

He mumbles something that sounds like, “Hi.”

“Can I get you some crackers?” 

Jack shakes his head and lifts himself up, holding his arms out. The risk of illness far from your mind, you gather him up and lean against the cabinets, rubbing his back.

“Can you try to close your eyes for me?”

“I don’t feel good.” There are a few tears in his voice, and it breaks your heart a little. You’ve so been there. 

“I know, baby. I know. Just close your eyes for a minute, okay?”

He does, and his breathing evens out eventually. He’s still feverish, but you’re happy he’s sweating, at least. It could break by morning at this rate. 

The makeshift towel-bed on the bathroom floor looks more than inviting. You gingerly shuffle over and lay down, keeping Jack flat against your chest. 

This was such a hallmark of my childhood - the sleeping on towels if you had a stomach bug. I remember being so exhausted that the towels were suddenly the best thing in the whole wide world. Like....mattress who??

It’s the best sleep you’ve had in weeks. 

+++

The hardest days are the ones where you end up by yourself. Derek’s picked up kickboxing with Penelope, JJ has her family, and Rossi retreats to the cabin by the lake with an alarming degree of regularity. 

Thank God he’s not as cranky as Gideon. 

That would be too spooky. 

Any excuse to get a lil jab at Gideon in, it’s one I’m going to capitalize on.

Everyone is out of the office, scattered to their respective distractions. You sit on the floor of Aaron’s office, leaning against his desk. Your laptop sits open in front of you, playing a movie you’re only half paying attention to. 

I like this image of them just...going to the office to hang out, even on a day off. I used to do that in the theatre when I was in college. I had no reason whatsoever for being there, but it wasn’t my house so it was a nice change. 

It was only this afternoon you realized his office smelled more like Morgan’s Tiger Balm than Aaron, and it broke your heart a little. Your only solace was his apartment - the evidence of his existence was inescapable there. With Emily gone for good, you often needed the reminder. 

His office phone rings. You pause the movie, stand, and answer it. 

“Agent Hotchner’s office.” 

NSA is on the other side, dry and professional. “We have an incoming call from Agent Hotchner. Is Agent Morgan available?” 

You tell him he’s not, but that you’re the next in line to receive task force updates. In an equally dry and professional tone, you relay your credentials and your unique intel code. 

“Thank you. Please stand by.” Click. 

You roll your eyes. 

God, they’re boring. 

Sitting down at Aaron’s desk, you wait for the armed guard to arrive with the phone. As per protocol, you’ll sign for the call and remove it from the lockbox yourself. You’ll return it for pickup when the call is completed. 

The guard shows up and you step through the motions, finally getting the phone to your ear. 

“Hey.” 

“Oh, it’s you.” He sounds surprised, but not displeased. 

You laugh a little. “Yeah, it’s me. Morgan’s unavailable at the moment.” 

“I see. Is Jack feeling any better?”

Another thing I wanted to lean into in this part was the anguish Aaron must feel being so far away from Jack for so long. 

“Yeah. He’s been alright for about a week now. It was a pretty nasty bug, but he’s a trooper. Any new chatter down your way?” You trace the wood grain of his desk with your finger, only a little absent-minded. 

“There’s a little bit of activity on the border. We’re monitoring the situation. Is everything going okay over there?”

“Yeah, for the most part. We’ve been feeling the heat a little since Seaver transferred to Andy’s unit, but we’re managing alright. Dave’s called JJ back in to lend a hand, and she’s doing really well.” 

That was such a tiny detail in the show, but i realized how rough it must have been to be down like three people by the end of it. 

He hums. “That was a smart idea.” 

“I’ll tell him you said so.” 

“Oh, please don’t. It’ll go straight to his head.” 

You smile. “Fair point. Any updates on the timetable?”

When are you coming home? Please make it soon. 

“Not at the moment. I think we’re getting closer. Few more weeks.” There’s something behind his voice you can’t quite grasp, but you let it go. Again, not a singular clue means that the emotional tuning fork is broken. 

“Alright. Keep us posted.” 

“Will do. You know the drill.” 

“I sure do. I’ll relay the information to the team, tell your son you love him, and talk to you in a couple of weeks.” 

You can almost hear his smile. “Exactly. Talk soon.”

“Be safe, Aaron.” 

+++

You’re all gathered at the roundtable when Aaron walks in, looking all the worse for wear and - 

Is that a beard?

Did I make myself myself laugh with that first observation? Yes. Was it my first thought even before I could process the delight that we wouldn’t have any episodes without him the first time I saw 7x01? Yes. 

Wait. He’s back. 

You just spoke to him on Monday, with news of a “few more weeks.”

Fucking bastard knew he was coming home, didn’t he?

All of your joy in seeing him evaporates, and you narrow your eyes at him. This was that moment where I had that AHA! thing. I realized that THIS was the thing they were going to get upset about. And it’s not just the anger from right now, the anger from before comes rushing back too. Basically - he’s safe, so they can get really mad and the fear goes away. Just like the last time you were in this room together, there’s an apology in his gaze. 

“Welcome back.” Derek doesn’t sound surprised, and your head whips toward him. He doesn’t look at you. 

Unbelievable. 

“Thanks. Everyone, have a seat.” You follow Aaron’s instructions, and sit, crossing your arms. It’s childish, sure, but the balance of personal and professional life has flown out the window. Okay serious question. Was it ever in the room with y’all? 

The next part here comes straight out of the show but it was SO fun to reframe.

Collecting the dialogue and who says what is often the most tedious part of the process for the episode-linked fics, but once that’s done I have a lot of fun putting it together and linking things into the rest of the universe - pointing things out and the like. 

I always feel like y’all know so much about how I watch the show and my perspective on it with the episode fics. It’s kind of an interesting picture to me, like y’all are looking at it the way I see it. I dunno. That was a random thought. 

This feels like a personal slight, rather than a professional one. You try to push it away, but it lingers in your sternum like a lit flare. It’s uncomfortable, and you hate it. 

I’ve always found it’s really unpleasant to be mad at someone you really love. I always hate it because I don’t usually want to be mad. I wanted to lean into that feeling here. 

“Why?” Derek sounds a little concerned, and you can’t blame him. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

“Seven months ago I made a decision that affected this team.” You notice, brow furrowed, that JJ stands beside Hotch like an ally. They both have odd looks on their faces. “As you all know, Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle.”

No. 

Reader doesn’t know what they don’t know, but they know something in their gut. I don’t think it would be too off-base to attribute it to their connection to Aaron. 

“The doctors were able to stabilize her. She was airlifted from Boston to Bethesda under a covert exfiltration.” 

No. 

“Her identity was strictly need-to-know. She stayed there until she was well enough to travel. She was reassigned to Paris, where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security.” 

No. 

There’s silence, and you can’t tear your eyes from Aaron.  

“She’s alive?”

“We buried her.” 

Penelope and Spencer’s comments rush past you and you feel much like you did in the waiting room on that horrible, horrible night seven months ago. 

“As I said, I take full responsibility for the decision. If anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me.” 

His eyes finally meet yours, and you find your vision blurred. You blink away your tears. 

It was a necessary lie. 

You go into this business expecting to be lied to. 

Not by Aaron. 

That’s not the issue and you know it. He left. 

He left us. 

THIS is exactly the conflict and why Reader can’t fully trust him. It’s very normal to have these kinds of covert operations in agencies, though they seem jarring in the context of a team that’s so close. 

It’s a weird reminder that this is still the FBI, and even though they’re family, they are colleagues and agents first. That’s an uncomfortable realization and part of me thinks that’s why Derek got so mad. 

He was so ready for the BAU to be different, to be his family. We know that Derek has HUGE issues with trust, so evidence that his family isn’t as “safe” as he thought would be have been so difficult to process. 

“Any issues?” Derek’s disbelief is marred by hurt, but you can’t reassure him through your own shock. “Yeah, I got issues.”

He’s cut off by Penelope’s glance toward the doorway. 

The team, save for JJ and Hotch, rush toward her. You’re stuck to your seat until she approaches you. At her touch, you come back to life, throwing yourself into her arms. “Emily.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Her grip on you is tight, but your arms, looped around her shoulders, don’t feel like they’re attached to your body. 

Y’all ever felt that buzzing feeling when there’s so much happening and everything feels like radio static? Yeah. 

She lets you go and continues to speak. Derek’s frozen, and you can’t imagine for a minute what’s going on in his head. Emily wraps around him. He’s stock still, his eyes misty. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding when he brings his hand to her shoulder, his cheek falling onto the side of her head. 

It’s back to business faster than you can blink, and now you’re sure you’re not the only one ready to kill Aaron where he stands. Derek is livid. 

They stare at each other while Spencer starts asking questions. Eventually, they focus back. Aaron crosses to you, contributing where necessary. He just wants to be close because he missed them :’) Nice try, buddy. You’re in deep shit. You don’t acknowledge him. It’s horrible. You hate being so angry with him, but there’s nothing to be done. 

You can’t be upset at him about Emily. There’s too much to understand, and yet the initial shock of it is like a never-ending bucket of cold water poured over your body. 

Selfishly, you realize you’re upset with him because he didn’t tell you he was coming home. It’s so small when there are other, much bigger, issues to address. 

I also loved the opportunity to lean into such a small issue??? It was a challenge to make it big enough to be a believable blowout in mean it, but it got easier once I realized that their anger wasn’t really about Pakistan. It’s more of an activating excuse that brings all of their feelings up to the surface and it’s overwhelming!

Emily’s lie is professional. Just part of the job. This one feels personal.

You’re a child. Let it go. 

He knew and he left. 

He knew and he left. 

He knew and he left. 

He didn’t tell you he was coming home.

Whew. That was fun. Stay tuned!

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

Monsta X as FWB

Summary: Monsta X as FWB Anon Request

A/N: Finally writing about these grown ass smokeshows...I am so fucking thirsty. I really struggled writing Changkyun (my bias) because I’m so in love it hurts I’m so sick of him

Warnings: Smut and s o f t b o i s

Word Count: 2657

Hyunwoo (Shownu)

He would be SO BAD at not catching feelings

You smile at him one time and he’s in love he couldn’t handle a fwb arrangement

The only way he’d even do it is if he really liked you but was afraid you didn’t want to commit

He’s really that bitch who’s like “if i dick her down real good maybe she’ll love me”

He might be right tho

If you ever take a shower at his place you won’t exactly be getting clean

In fact any time you show any amount of skin he’ll be all blushy and handsy

Def shy and hesitant until he gets comfortable with you

After he does it’s on, though, he’ll never wear a shirt if he doesn’t have to and you’ll be constantly thirsty

He’s the best at eating you out don’t @me

He doesn’t know how smoking hot he is so he’d be so proud when he made you flustered or made you come real hard

Not very vocal in bed but he’s got a low pitched whine when he’s close that sends you over the edge

Won’t dirty talk and will blush if you do but he’ll love it

If he’s horny he’ll send you a text like “hey” that’s it

Bad at sexting he’ll just send you pics and you know what a picture is worth 1000 words

Does that low-key possessive thing in public where he’ll lead you with his hand at the small of your back

Otherwise not very affectionate in public though, he’s worried you’ll reject him if he tries to hold your hand and he’s f r a g i l e

Smiling and lots of affection from this big teddy bear

Likes to take care of you, he’ll tear your ass up and then clean your apartment while you sleep and wake you up with takeout and a movie

He is never not buying you food it’s his way to say he loves you ok epitome of “how many food until date”

He will bruise you a lot by accident and feel so bad about it, kiss every one with an apologetic smile

Is it that he doesn’t know how strong he is or that he wants every guy around to know you’re his? Little from column a, little from column b

Please don’t let it slip if you’re seeing anyone else he will break your heart he’ll be so sad

Not even salty just will be a whole kicked puppy dog

Will dick you down hard after you tell him and then apologize and be the softest cuddly baby, won’t want to let you leave afterwards

Depending on how comfortable he is, he’ll either avoid you or be totally honest

Not in person though you’ll get a lot of emo texts he’s too shy to tell you

Your phone will be dinging as you walk out his door, tbh

“I don’t like this” “come back let’s talk”

But then when you do talk again he barely says anything just holding your hand and caressing your palm with his thumb

He’s likely to end the arrangement if he thinks you won’t choose him

He’ll be so sweet and apologetic tho he’ll say “I’m sorry but I’m just not built for this. I want you all to myself.”

You WILL choose him I mean it’s a no brainer, really

Minhyuk

So you’ve chosen Lee Minhyuk as your fwb, huh? Good luck not falling in love, sis

He’s so. Much. Fun

He’ll wanna take you to amusement parks and carnivals and finger you on the Ferris Wheel

He’ll try and make you fall apart while at the dinner table with his hand under your skirt with the most innocent smile on his face

He’s down for anything in bed and he is a switch for sure

Loud AF when you tease him such whiny moans

If you spend a couple days with him y'all won’t get anything done because you’ll be trying to get dressed and he’s taking your clothes right back off

Doesn’t give a fuck if you leave marks and will be offended if you complain about him leaving them

He won’t get very salty if you have other partners but he’ll be competitive and try to occupy all your attention and be real extra in bed

You’ll probably catch feelings before he does he’s so talkative and fun you’ll get to know him fast and start to love all his little quirks

If you tell him he’ll be sweet about it and just be like “shit ok let’s try it’

If he catches feelings on the other hand and you’re not very perceptive, you’ll never know

He’ll get real weird, v quiet and sulky like he’d hate catching feelings and not know if you did or not

Would try to find out what you thought v obviously like "hey so if we did date how do you think it’s go?”

Will wait for you to ask him out even if he liked you first

Kihyun

Would be hesitant about an fwb arrangement bc he’s highkey salty when he doesn’t get his way

Would probably wanna cuff any meaningful sexual partner bc he’s territorial so you might worry it’s because of that and not because he actually likes you

Very respectful about things like consent would never fuck you while you were at all inebriated (like even two glasses of wine) even if you begged

Quiet with you in public he wouldn’t want to go out a lot because too much social interaction drains him

He’d be the type to be seeing other people but not wanting you to smh

But he’d feel bad about it and know it was dumb

He’d be really honest with you even to the point of hurting your feelings but if he wasn’t sure how he felt about you he’d just keep quiet

So much salt and shade thrown if you’re seeing someone else will get pressed if you so much as mention the other guy’s name while you’re with him

“Hey, this is my time, right? Focus on me.”

Rough in bed and a smirky little shit, knows he’s good

A whole dom he’d like you submissive but bratty

Loves to bark orders and dirty talk in foreplay but will be quiet during the act, low grunts

He’ll buy you lingerie almost be a low-key sugar daddy, really, you’ll mention a purse you like and find it shipped to your house

If he caught feelings he’d tell you immediately and force you to make a choice he won’t wait around for you to decide

If you caught feelings and he wasn’t ready he’d avoid you for a while but expect you to be ready to talk about it when he calls you a week later outta nowhere

Hoseok (Wonho)

This boy is all talk

He’d flirt like mad, tease you in public, hands all over you

When he got you alone he’d be a little shy and s o f t tho

Would be eager to try an fwb arrangement because he wants to think he’s a fuck boy

Spoiler alert: he is N O T

He’s almost worse than Shownu about catching feelings

Big showoff in bed after the second or third time

Likes to manhandle you

Highkey has a praise kink so it drives him crazy when you tell him how good he’s fucking you

Loud whiny moans, lots of dirty talk but he’s shy right after he comes and uber affectionate

Will sext you constantly

Wants to meet up every damn day

He’s rough in bed at first, pulling your hair, smacking your ass

When he catches feelings tho every once in a while he’ll go all sweet and slow

If he starts going down on you a lot you’re in trouble sis he’s in his feelings

He’s only a dom until he loves you then he’ll switch whenever you want

He will never not cuddle you after sex either way this man would stroke a one night stand’s hair for three hours after sex

Will mark and bruise you everywhere and be proud of it

He’d be pouty if you wore something to cover his bite marks and hickeys

Speaking of pouty just please like don’t let him find out you got another man

Your life is now constant d r a m a

Would follow you around at bars, salty af if he saw you dancing with someone else

Will make a whole scene

Tug you away into the hallway and if he’s drunk he might be crying

You’ll have to take him home and comfort him smh

Wears his heart on his sleeve so he’ll tell you he loves you like 2 weeks after y'all start fucking

His mom knows about you by week 3, ok, he’s a whole mess

Will cry about you to his friends, Shownu won’t like you bc Hoseok is listening to sad music and coming in his room at 3am being a emo baby

If you end the arrangement you’ll have to block his number he’ll be such a mess

Will lie and promise never to get salty about you seeing someone else if you just come back

He’s real cute if you like him back though, eager puppy and will make you know you’ve made the right choice by not letting you out of his bed for a full two days

Hyungwon

Would probably be among the best at not catching feelings

He can’t be bothered to fall in love tbh

He might if you really understood him, though, like if you’d nap with him midday and talk to him about nothing for hours

You’d only be meeting up twice a week for sex he’s not that pressed

He knows he’s pretty and you are too and it works for him but it’s not that serious at first

Will not give a fuck if you’re seeing someone else but he won’t be bc he’s too lazy to maintain more than one arrangement

He would get a little salty if you cancelled a meeting with him for someone else though how dare you

He isn’t a sub but he likes you to do all the work in bed if you’re down, likes to see you riding him

Not rough at all

Quiet in bed, just short breaths

He may just call you over for a blowjob tbh

You’ll know he likes you if he goes down on you

Like he always will get you off but if he’s taking extra time he’s got it bad

Not rough in bed, almost romantic sometimes so that might get you in your feelings even though it’s just how he is

If you catch feelings first and try a dramatic confession and he doesn’t feel the same way he’ll ghost you

If he does like you he’ll call you sometimes just to talk when he can’t fall asleep

Won’t exactly tell you if he catches feelings you’ll just go out somewhere like to get breakfast and he’ll run into a friend and he’ll introduce you as his girlfriend

So anyway you’re dating now

Jooheon

Another “try not to fall in love” challenge

He’d suggest an arrangement just to make you blush and he shocked when you said yes

A real giver in bed, loves to eat you out and won’t even ask you to reciprocate but will be very grateful if you do

He’s so loud, wake the neighbors loud but his dirty talk is low key sweet

Also has a praise kink of sorts but likes to give rather than receive

Will fuck your brains out while singing your praises, “Look at you, baby, you’re so beautiful like this.”

He’d love to take you out, fancy dinners sometimes, would just kind of act like you’re his girlfriend even if it were casual

Will actually be your friend you can call him in the middle of the night crying and he’ll drop everything to help

Y'all will go to karaoke and shit he’s really like your bff who also dicks you down

If he wants to see someone else he’ll talk to you about it first and if you’re even a little uncomfortable, he won’t

He won’t be too salty if you see someone else but will be pouty and needy the next time you see him

Lots of cuddles and his dimpled smile

If you catch feelings it’ll make him catch feelings he’ll look at you in a whole new light

If he catches feelings he’ll just tell you

The second he realizes it he’ll deadass stick his head in the shower when you’re in there

“So hey I like you, let’s date, yeah?- why are you screaming it’s just me”

Changkyun (I.M)

He’s the most likely to be a whole fuck boy

He’s also probably the best in bed and he knows it

He’s a cocky little shit, knows how to make you tremble with a look and a slow wink

Will be your friend first and your sex partner second, if you’re upset or in a bad mood he’ll talk you down and make you feel better before even thinking of touching you sexually

Most blunt

“wya I’m horny come through”

Will talk to you about everything and nothing your pillow talk might be the best thing about your arrangement

Otherwise he won’t take you out much though he’s somewhat shy in public

Low groans and deep growls in bed

Absolute master of words in Korean or English lord help you if he dirty talks in bed p h e w

He won’t sext you much bc his deep ass voice is what makes your legs shake and he knows it

All about the foreplay wants to make you beg him to fuck you but he doesn’t last long because it gets him just as worked up

Rough in bed, sweet aftercare

Likes to wash your hair in the shower and shit

Makes you laugh a lot will send you memes when you’re having a bad day

Won’t initiate cuddling but loves it when you do and pulls you to against him

He will definitely be salty if you’re seeing someone else even if he is too but it’ll be quiet salty

If it’s in public he’ll just seduce you away from the other guy

“You like me better anyway, right honey?” Deep voice right against your ear as he ushers you into the cab and he’s all smirks when you let him up your skirt on the ride home

You WILL catch feelings even if you’re the most jaded bitch alive if you spend enough time with him

If you’re the type to run from feelings he will chase you

You’ll be talking to him after sex and he’ll give you that sweet smile when he shows his low-key dimples and your chest starts hurting and you’re like “I gtg”

He will follow you out the door fr

Blow your phone up

Even if he isn’t sure how you feel about him or he feels about he’ll want to make sure you’re ok

Would never ghost you even if you ended things

Would be the type to have a long conversation with you about your feelings

If he fell for you though you’d have to pin him down and talk about it he’d stop calling you as much and try to avoid talking about it

If you tease him about it he’d groan and almost get mad

“You loooove me”

“Shut up you’re dumb ion even like you”

Compliments you when you look nice but it’s lowkey

“Your hair looks good like that” or “your legs are nice you should wear skirts more often”

Suggests you to get serious very casually

“So you’re my girlfriend now, okay? Where do you wanna eat and if you say you don’t care I swear to God”

[detroitbecomeyandere]

His Muse pt.6

One morning after Markus woke Carl up he went to your room. You were surprised to see his shirt was ripped. “What happened?” Your hand reached towards the tear but you stopped before touching him. You had grown, not quite close- but forming a friendship with the android in the passing months.

 He brushed off your concern with a small sad smile. “I’m fine. It was just some protesters y/n. Nothing to worry about.” You frowned at his words but allowed him the moment. You two stayed like that for a minute, him sitting on your bed and you sitting by him with your knees up to your chest. “Let’s get you dressed. I’m sure Carl would love your company.” You nodded, getting up and following Markus to the closet as he picked out clothes for you to wear.

 Markus turned and left, heading downstairs to Carl after he laid down your clothes to wear. The day passed like any other- minus another confrontation with Leo that Carl had you leave during. Until Carl had Markus start getting him ready for a night out. “Are we going somewhere?” You couldn’t help but ask, he hadn’t let you leave the house since Markus kidnapped you. He even had a judge come in to get the two of you married instead of taking you to the courthouse. It hadn’t stopped him from ordering a wedding dress for you and getting a picture of you standing next to him. Of course in the painting he had given you a smile that wasn’t there.

 “Oh no darling. I’ve got something I can’t get out of. I’m sorry but as much as I would love to have you with me as company, I just can’t trust others around your beauty.” He turned towards Markus before speaking again. “No no, not chains. The silk rope will be enough, just make sure to do a very good knot.” You stared at Markus as he walked over to you with a long coil of rope in his hands. You felt afraid and couldn’t help but cry a little as he placed your hands together, wrapping the rope around the wrists and occasionally giving a tug to test the resistance before finally tying the rope around one of the piano legs. “Go on, give it a test! There should be enough room for you to walk around and keep yourself entertained darling.”

 You could only stare at your bound hands, shock numbing you to the fact that Carl and Markus were leaving. You waited until you could hear the front door shut before trying to pull the rope out from under the grand piano. You had to stop from the pain, the almost 600lb piano refused to move, and the rope refused to give. Injuring yourself was not something you wanted to do while trying to escape. You looked around the room, the rope was long enough for you to reach the dining table and eat some of the fruit laid out there. You wandered as far as it would let you, searching for a knife, for anything that would allow you to cut the rope.

 After what felt like too long you gave up, lying down on the lounge and taking a nap. A sharp tug on your rope and cursing woke you up. You fell off of the lounge and looked to see who had tripped over the rope. It wasn’t Markus. You knew it couldn’t be Carl. It didn’t sound like him, and he couldn’t have tripped over it like that. The rope tugged and you followed the motion in the dark room to gasp in surprise at seeing Leo standing there.

 “What are you doing here?” He just gaped at you, looking down at the rope in his hands and then tracing it to the rope wrapped around your wrists. “Leo. What are you doing here? Carl isn’t home.” You couldn’t stop the small tremor of fear in your voice as you spoke. You didn’t want to be here alone with him. With your hands tied together you knew you wouldn’t be able to fight him very well if he attacked you.

 He closed his mouth and looked up at you with a glare. His eyes were still as blood shot as they had been that morning. “Did he do this to you?” You turned away and didn’t answer. “Tell me! Did he tie you up like this?” He yanked at the rope as he spoke, raising his voice at you. “No, I bet he told that toy of his to do this.”

 You ignored his question. “Why are you here Leo? I thought Carl kicked you out.” You looked around behind him, but couldn’t see in the darkness. You gasped when he pulled out a knife, trying to pull back but he still held onto the rope. “Please don’t hurt me!” You were surprised when he sliced through the rope near his hand. “What-?”

 Leo gave a shrug and closed the knife before putting it away. “Look, I’m far from perfect- but I can’t hurt you when you’re defenseless like that.” He turned and walked into the studio. You followed behind him, not sure what to do now that you weren’t stuck to one room, but your wrists were still bound together. You sat down on a stool as he started to look through paintings. Ignoring him you tried to wiggle your hands free. Your wrists were starting to get raw and pink from the constant friction as you tried to force the knot free.

 He didn’t react, but you jumped when you heard the automated voice, “Welcome home Carl.” You put your hands back in your lap, unsure of what to do. You knew it was too late for you to escape now. You could hear the two of them speaking as they entered the other room. You watched the door, your heart pounding in your ears as you heard Markus’s voice. “And Mrs. Manfred is missing.”

 You could hear Carl’s voice again, too low for you to hear his words. After a long moment you saw the doors open and Markus stormed in, quickly followed by Carl. Finally Leo reacted to them entering the room.

 “Leo.” He sounded almost resigned to the fact he was here.

 The younger man turned, smirking as he looked over Markus. “Oh look who's here. My father’s plastic toy!” He turned back to the paintings and you glanced over at Carl who entered further into the room.

 “Leo, what’s going on?” He turned to look at you, eyes roaming over to make sure you were unhurt. You gave a nervous smile in response. Leo had only scared you, it wasn’t as big a deal as him breaking in.

 Leo barely reacted, “You refused to help me. So I’m helping myself. It’s crazy what some people will pay for this shit.”

 “Don’t touch ‘em!” Carl barked at Leo. He turned to you, “Did he hurt you darling?” You shook your head quickly.

 Leo ignored Carl’s question, seeming to not care about you anymore. “Look, they’re all going to be mine sooner or later anyway. Just think of it as a downpayment on my inheritance.” You found yourself wincing at his calus words.

 “Markus get him away from here. Get him outta here!” Markus glanced at Carl in concern before walking over to Leo.

 He looked down at the smaller man, “Look, I’ve already called the police. You should go now before you get yourself into more trouble.”

 Leo glared at Markus for a moment before turning towards you, “More trouble than having a girl tied up in the house?” He turned over towards Carl, “All you ever do is tell me to go away. What’s wrong Dad? Not good enough for you?” Carl came close towards the two of them. “Not perfect like this fucking thing?” He got in Markus’s face at the end of his sentence.

 “That’s enough! Get out, right now! Go on, move!”

 “What makes it so special anyway, huh? What’s it got that I don’t?”

 “Leave him alone!” You jumped up at Leo shoving Carl away. You desperately wished your hands were free, all you wanted to do was cover your ears and hide. The yelling as too much for you.

 Markus turned away from Leo and towards Carl as his chair spun around before he could catch himself. “Come on! Let’s see what you got!” You were crying by now, it all felt like too much.

 You almost missed Carl’s next words, he spoke them so softly. “Markus, don’t defend yourself. You hear me? Don’t do anything.”

 Leo got in Markus’s face again. “Go ahead, hit me! What’re waiting for? Think you’re a man? Act like one!” He shoved Markus again.

 “Stop it!” You looked back towards Carl, he was leaning over and grasping at his chest. Panic filled your mind as you ran between Leo and Markus and to Carl. “Stop it Leo!” He yelled and started to fall out of his chair, you tried to hold him back up.

 It all felt too much as you looked between the three of them, Carl still yelling for Leo to stop it and Leo still shoving Markus around and yelling in his face. “Too scared to fight back, you fucking bitch?” He punched Markus on the last word, you ran from Carl’s side to shove back at Leo.

 “Leave us alone! Just stop! Please?” He swung again, catch you across the jaw and knocking you down before continuing his assault on Markus. You felt dazed, realizing your head must have hit the concrete flooring as well. Markus braced himself against the table, almost as if to catch his breath. Carl was slumped over in his chair, and Leo was gearing up for another swing.

 He continue his verbal assault as Markus stood back up, “Oh right, that’s right! I forgot you’re not a real person. You’re just a fucking piece of plastic! Listen to me-” He grabbed Markus by his shirt again and got close to his face.

 “No, Leo! Leave him alone!” Carl sounded pained as he gripped his chest even tighter, almost falling out of his chair.

 “I’m going to destroy you, then it’ll just be me and my Dad and that bitch. I’m going to tear you apart and nobody’s going to give a shit, you know why? Cause you’re nothing. You hear me? You’re nothing!” He punched Markus again and you were torn between going to Carl and trying to stop the one sided fight.

 The choice was made as Carl fell out of his chair and collapsed on the ground. You screamed. Markus and Leo both turned towards him, “Carl no!” He was quickly by Carl’s side, holding his hand and cupping his head with the other. “Carl, no.” He sounded so pained.

 “Humans are fragile machines. Take care of her for me.”

 “Carl, don’t leave, okay? Please, don’t go- don’t leave please!” He was crying, holding onto Carl while Leo stared in shock and you could only cover your mouth. You wanted to scream, you wanted to cry.

 “Remember Markus, don’t let anybody tell you who you are.”

 “No. No! Dad! No, please.” You walked over to Markus, placing your hands on his shoulder as he slowly lowered Carl’s head.

 Leo spoke up and you wanted to punch him. “This is all your fault. This never would have happened if it wasn’t for you!” You stood up, not caring if your hands were still bound. Your husband, your captor, the man who loved you was now lying dead on the ground because of him.

 The police finally arrived as Leo was backing away from you. He turned towards them and you turned towards Markus, he was still in shock. Markus slowly turned towards the police, lifting his hands as he stood up. Leo pointed to him, “The android, it was the android.”

 You realized what was happening the moment Markus fully stood up. You screamed as the officer fired his gun twice. Both bullets hitting Markus and knocking him down to the ground. The female officer walked over to you, taking in your ripped dress, the bound arms, and the growing bruise on your face. “What happened here?”

 You backed away from her, holding your hands up and looking around wildly. “He killed my husband.” You turned away from her to glare at Leo. “You killed my husband!” You lunged at Leo, trying to hurt him in anyway possible when the officer grabbed you around the waist. “He killed them both!” You were screaming, hysterical by now. So much had happened so quickly you felt like you were drowning. You gave up fighting against the officer and went limp in her arms, sobbing now. “He broke in, my husband and his android were at a party. He tried to rob us and Carl had a heart attack.”

 Leo stared at you in surprise, looking between you and the other officer. The male officer walked over to Leo and handcuffed him. “You’re coming with us then.”

 The female officer guided you to the living room, away from the bodies of Carl and Markus before sitting you down on one of the couches. “Do you need to see a doctor?” You nodded, now too tired to even speak. The rest of the night felt like a blur, officers speaking to you, nurses speaking to you, then finally a doctor standing before you.

 “I’m sorry Mrs. Manfred but we’re not going to do an x-ray of your face. We wouldn’t want to risk the baby.”  You felt numb as you stared up at the doctor.

 “What baby?” All you could think of was Carl telling you how beautiful your children would be. You had hoped he was wrong about Markus being able to get you pregnant. It looked like he wasn’t.

 The doctor faltered for a moment before speaking again. “You’re about 10 weeks pregnant. I’ll have you set up with an OB Mrs. Manfred.” You nodded numbly, widowed and now pregnant. You managed to hold yourself together until the automated car dropped you off at Carl’s house- no, your house. You managed to walk inside and crawled into your bed, crying yourself to sleep.

[birooksun]

His Muse pt.6

Read on Ao3

One morning after Markus woke Carl up he went to your room. You were surprised to see his shirt was ripped. “What happened?” Your hand reached towards the tear but you stopped before touching him. You had grown, not quite close- but forming a friendship with the android in the passing months.

He brushed off your concern with a small sad smile. “I’m fine. It was just some protesters y/n. Nothing to worry about.” You frowned at his words but allowed him the moment. You two stayed like that for a minute, him sitting on your bed and you sitting by him with your knees up to your chest. “Let’s get you dressed. I’m sure Carl would love your company.” You nodded, getting up and following Markus to the closet as he picked out clothes for you to wear.

Markus turned and left, heading downstairs to Carl after he laid down your clothes to wear. The day passed like any other- minus another confrontation with Leo that Carl had you leave during. Until Carl had Markus start getting him ready for a night out. “Are we going somewhere?” You couldn’t help but ask, he hadn’t let you leave the house since Markus kidnapped you. He even had a judge come in to get the two of you married instead of taking you to the courthouse. It hadn’t stopped him from ordering a wedding dress for you and getting a picture of you standing next to him. Of course in the painting he had given you a smile that wasn’t there.

“Oh no darling. I’ve got something I can’t get out of. I’m sorry but as much as I would love to have you with me as company, I just can’t trust others around your beauty.” He turned towards Markus before speaking again. “No no, not chains. The silk rope will be enough, just make sure to do a very good knot.” You stared at Markus as he walked over to you with a long coil of rope in his hands. You felt afraid and couldn’t help but cry a little as he placed your hands together, wrapping the rope around the wrists and occasionally giving a tug to test the resistance before finally tying the rope around one of the piano legs. “Go on, give it a test! There should be enough room for you to walk around and keep yourself entertained darling.”

You could only stare at your bound hands, shock numbing you to the fact that Carl and Markus were leaving. You waited until you could hear the front door shut before trying to pull the rope out from under the grand piano. You had to stop from the pain, the almost 600lb piano refused to move, and the rope refused to give. Injuring yourself was not something you wanted to do while trying to escape. You looked around the room, the rope was long enough for you to reach the dining table and eat some of the fruit laid out there. You wandered as far as it would let you, searching for a knife, for anything that would allow you to cut the rope.

After what felt like too long you gave up, lying down on the lounge and taking a nap. A sharp tug on your rope and cursing woke you up. You fell off of the lounge and looked to see who had tripped over the rope. It wasn’t Markus. You knew it couldn’t be Carl. It didn’t sound like him, and he couldn’t have tripped over it like that. The rope tugged and you followed the motion in the dark room to gasp in surprise at seeing Leo standing there.

“What are you doing here?” He just gaped at you, looking down at the rope in his hands and then tracing it to the rope wrapped around your wrists. “Leo. What are you doing here? Carl isn’t home.” You couldn’t stop the small tremor of fear in your voice as you spoke. You didn’t want to be here alone with him. With your hands tied together you knew you wouldn’t be able to fight him very well if he attacked you.

He closed his mouth and looked up at you with a glare. His eyes were still as blood shot as they had been that morning. “Did he do this to you?” You turned away and didn’t answer. “Tell me! Did he tie you up like this?” He yanked at the rope as he spoke, raising his voice at you. “No, I bet he told that toy of his to do this.”

You ignored his question. “Why are you here Leo? I thought Carl kicked you out.” You looked around behind him, but couldn’t see in the darkness. You gasped when he pulled out a knife, trying to pull back but he still held onto the rope. “Please don’t hurt me!” You were surprised when he sliced through the rope near his hand. “What-?”

Leo gave a shrug and closed the knife before putting it away. “Look, I’m far from perfect- but I can’t hurt you when you’re defenseless like that.” He turned and walked into the studio. You followed behind him, not sure what to do now that you weren’t stuck to one room, but your wrists were still bound together. You sat down on a stool as he started to look through paintings. Ignoring him you tried to wiggle your hands free. Your wrists were starting to get raw and pink from the constant friction as you tried to force the knot free.

He didn’t react, but you jumped when you heard the automated voice, “Welcome home Carl.” You put your hands back in your lap, unsure of what to do. You knew it was too late for you to escape now. You could hear the two of them speaking as they entered the other room. You watched the door, your heart pounding in your ears as you heard Markus’s voice. “And Mrs. Manfred is missing.”

You could hear Carl’s voice again, too low for you to hear his words. After a long moment you saw the doors open and Markus stormed in, quickly followed by Carl. Finally Leo reacted to them entering the room.

“Leo.” He sounded almost resigned to the fact he was here.

The younger man turned, smirking as he looked over Markus. “Oh look who's here. My father’s plastic toy!” He turned back to the paintings and you glanced over at Carl who entered further into the room.

“Leo, what’s going on?” He turned to look at you, eyes roaming over to make sure you were unhurt. You gave a nervous smile in response. Leo had only scared you, it wasn’t as big a deal as him breaking in.

Leo barely reacted, “You refused to help me. So I’m helping myself. It’s crazy what some people will pay for this shit.”

“Don’t touch ‘em!” Carl barked at Leo. He turned to you, “Did he hurt you darling?” You shook your head quickly.

Leo ignored Carl’s question, seeming to not care about you anymore. “Look, they’re all going to be mine sooner or later anyway. Just think of it as a downpayment on my inheritance.” You found yourself wincing at his calus words.

“Markus get him away from here. Get him outta here!” Markus glanced at Carl in concern before walking over to Leo.

He looked down at the smaller man, “Look, I’ve already called the police. You should go now before you get yourself into more trouble.”

Leo glared at Markus for a moment before turning towards you, “More trouble than having a girl tied up in the house?” He turned over towards Carl, “All you ever do is tell me to go away. What’s wrong Dad? Not good enough for you?” Carl came close towards the two of them. “Not perfect like this fucking thing?” He got in Markus’s face at the end of his sentence.

“That’s enough! Get out, right now! Go on, move!”

“What makes it so special anyway, huh? What’s it got that I don’t?”

“Leave him alone!” You jumped up at Leo shoving Carl away. You desperately wished your hands were free, all you wanted to do was cover your ears and hide. The yelling as too much for you.

Markus turned away from Leo and towards Carl as his chair spun around before he could catch himself. “Come on! Let’s see what you got!” You were crying by now, it all felt like too much.

You almost missed Carl’s next words, he spoke them so softly. “Markus, don’t defend yourself. You hear me? Don’t do anything.”

Leo got in Markus’s face again. “Go ahead, hit me! What’re waiting for? Think you’re a man? Act like one!” He shoved Markus again.

“Stop it!” You looked back towards Carl, he was leaning over and grasping at his chest. Panic filled your mind as you ran between Leo and Markus and to Carl. “Stop it Leo!” He yelled and started to fall out of his chair, you tried to hold him back up.

It all felt too much as you looked between the three of them, Carl still yelling for Leo to stop it and Leo still shoving Markus around and yelling in his face. “Too scared to fight back, you fucking bitch?” He punched Markus on the last word, you ran from Carl’s side to shove back at Leo.

“Leave us alone! Just stop! Please?” He swung again, catch you across the jaw and knocking you down before continuing his assault on Markus. You felt dazed, realizing your head must have hit the concrete flooring as well. Markus braced himself against the table, almost as if to catch his breath. Carl was slumped over in his chair, and Leo was gearing up for another swing.

He continue his verbal assault as Markus stood back up, “Oh right, that’s right! I forgot you’re not a real person. You’re just a fucking piece of plastic! Listen to me-” He grabbed Markus by his shirt again and got close to his face.

“No, Leo! Leave him alone!” Carl sounded pained as he gripped his chest even tighter, almost falling out of his chair.

“I’m going to destroy you, then it’ll just be me and my Dad and that bitch. I’m going to tear you apart and nobody’s going to give a shit, you know why? Cause you’re nothing. You hear me? You’re nothing!” He punched Markus again and you were torn between going to Carl and trying to stop the one sided fight.

The choice was made as Carl fell out of his chair and collapsed on the ground. You screamed. Markus and Leo both turned towards him, “Carl no!” He was quickly by Carl’s side, holding his hand and cupping his head with the other. “Carl, no.” He sounded so pained.

“Humans are fragile machines. Take care of her for me.”

“Carl, don’t leave, okay? Please, don’t go- don’t leave please!” He was crying, holding onto Carl while Leo stared in shock and you could only cover your mouth. You wanted to scream, you wanted to cry.

“Remember Markus, don’t let anybody tell you who you are.”

“No. No! Dad! No, please.” You walked over to Markus, placing your hands on his shoulder as he slowly lowered Carl’s head.

Leo spoke up and you wanted to punch him. “This is all your fault. This never would have happened if it wasn’t for you!” You stood up, not caring if your hands were still bound. Your husband, your captor, the man who loved you was now lying dead on the ground because of him.

The police finally arrived as Leo was backing away from you. He turned towards them and you turned towards Markus, he was still in shock. Markus slowly turned towards the police, lifting his hands as he stood up. Leo pointed to him, “The android, it was the android.”

You realized what was happening the moment Markus fully stood up. You screamed as the officer fired his gun twice. Both bullets hitting Markus and knocking him down to the ground. The female officer walked over to you, taking in your ripped dress, the bound arms, and the growing bruise on your face. “What happened here?”

You backed away from her, holding your hands up and looking around wildly. “He killed my husband.” You turned away from her to glare at Leo. “You killed my husband!” You lunged at Leo, trying to hurt him in anyway possible when the officer grabbed you around the waist. “He killed them both!” You were screaming, hysterical by now. So much had happened so quickly you felt like you were drowning. You gave up fighting against the officer and went limp in her arms, sobbing now. “He broke in, my husband and his android were at a party. He tried to rob us and Carl had a heart attack.”

Leo stared at you in surprise, looking between you and the other officer. The male officer walked over to Leo and handcuffed him. “You’re coming with us then.”

The female officer guided you to the living room, away from the bodies of Carl and Markus before sitting you down on one of the couches. “Do you need to see a doctor?” You nodded, now too tired to even speak. The rest of the night felt like a blur, officers speaking to you, nurses speaking to you, then finally a doctor standing before you.

“I’m sorry Mrs. Manfred but we’re not going to do an x-ray of your face. We wouldn’t want to risk the baby.”  You felt numb as you stared up at the doctor.

“What baby?” All you could think of was Carl telling you how beautiful your children would be. You had hoped he was wrong about Markus being able to get you pregnant. It looked like he wasn’t.

The doctor faltered for a moment before speaking again. “You’re about 10 weeks pregnant. I’ll have you set up with an OB Mrs. Manfred.” You nodded numbly, widowed and now pregnant. You managed to hold yourself together until the automated car dropped you off at Carl’s house- no, your house. You managed to walk inside and crawled into your bed, crying yourself to sleep.

[you-a-southpaw-doll]

Another One Bites The Dust (AOBTD) ~ Chapter 12

Warning(s): Language. Angst. Slight violence. Slight fluff. 

Taglist: @negans-network , @thamberlina , @prettyboynegan , @mychemicalimagines

Previous Chapters: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight.Nine. Ten. Eleven

Chapter 12 ~ Landmine

 I take a deep breath in. I can’t believe it. I’d know that haircut anywhere. I jump outta the truck before Negan has a chance to stop the vehicle and me. I take off running towards what caught my attention. Amidst a pile of dead’uns, is someone I’d know anywhere. 

I fall to my knees beside the person I thought I’d never see again. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen her, my best friend, Alyss. The only reason it’s been so long is ‘cause she lived on the other side of the country, and it was hard to get to see each other due to school, and a couple other reasons on both our parts.

She seems to be unconscious, and I panic slightly. I can’t lose her. She’s been there for me through thick and thin. She’s my best friend and she means the world to me. I nudge her shoulder, and get a groan of pain in response. At least I know she’s alive. 

I let out the breath I’d been holding in as I lean over her, making sure she’s ok, and looking for any bites. As soon as I know that she’s free of bite marks from the dead’uns, I look up. Negan’s finally stopped the truck right ‘round the spot where I jumped out. 

He, Tim, and Jeffrey all are running towards me. I hear the groaning of the dead’uns from behind me. I reach for my knife and quickly kill the dead’un that’s closest to me.

“Leigh! What the fuck do you think you’re doin’?” I hear Negan scold me as soon as the men get close to me.

I look up at Tim. He looks shocked as he glances between Alyss and I.

“Honey, is that?” He asks.

I nod. “She’s alive. We gotta get her back home.”

I hear another groan come from my best friend. I look down and see her eyes fluttering open.

“Alyss!” I exclaim.

She looks up at me. “Hey, kid.”

I smile. She struggles to sit up, so I help her. I sit down next to her, letting her lean against me. I know that neither of us really like being touched, but for the most part, we are the exception for the other.

“What happened?” I ask.

“I got bombarded by ‘bout twenty of those fuckers. I took ‘em all out by myself, but the last one I got managed to grab ahold of my ankle. I lost my balance and fell. I guess I hit my head pretty damn hard.” She replies, slowly. “I’m ok, though, kid. You know me. I’m tough.”

I chuckle. “I know you are. Believe me, I know you are.”

She laughs. She moves around so that she’s no longer leaning against me. I raise my eyebrows and nod at her unspoken question. We have our own secret language between us that doesn’t actually use words. At my nod, she flings her arms ‘round me. 

I laugh and hug her back. It’s been far too long since we’ve hugged, hell, since we’ve seen each other in person.

“Half pint, I hate to break up this reunion, but do you care to explain what the actual ever-lovin' fuck is goin’ on here?” Negan asks.

I look up at him, over Alyss’ shoulder, and I notice that Tim’s grinning from ear to ear. He knows I’m happy. Plus, he’s happy to see Alyss too. I look back at Negan, realizing that he’s still waiting on my answer. I feel Alyss start to pull away, so I lower my arms. 

I help her stand up. Negan’s eyes widen slightly when he looks at her. I figure it’s ‘cause of the height difference between my best friend and I. I mean, she is 5’11”, which puts her at well over half a foot taller than me.

“Negan, this is my best friend, Alyss.” I say, grinning.

Alyss drapes her arm ‘round my shoulders. I look up at her.

“Bud, this is Negan, Jeffrey, and well you already know Tim.” I say.

She laughs and goes for a high five from Tim. He chuckles and returns the gesture, before my best friend pulls him in for a hug. Alyss turns to Jeffrey next.

“I’d say it’s ‘bout fuckin’ time I met you.” She tells him.

Jeffrey laughs. “I could say the same fuckin’ thing. It’s nice to finally meet you in person. FaceTime calls only go so far for meeting someone.”

Alyss’ laugh cuts through the air. “You’re right.”

“You up for a hug?”

“Sure. Why not? You mean the world to Leigh here, so you must be alright.”

Jeffrey chuckles. My husband and best friend hug each other. Alyss steps back beside me. She looks at Negan. Her eyebrow raises, and she smirks as she glances at me.

“You didn’t tell me that there were two versions of Jeffrey.” She teases.

I laugh. “That’s his twin brother. I know I’ve mentioned him before.”

“I didn’t think they were identical! You could’ve told me that.”

I smirk. “I didn’t know.”

She laughs and turns to look at Negan. He’s got an odd expression on his face as he bites his bottom lip. He shakes his head, clearing his thoughts.

“Well, shit, doll. I don’t think I’ve heard Half Pint laugh this much before. You must be pretty fuckin’ special to her.” He says, in a playful manner.

“Damn fuckin’ straight, I am. This kid here’s my best fuckin’ friend. And I’m hers.” Alyss says, slinging her arm ‘round my shoulders.

Negan smirks. “God damn. You’re a feisty one, ain’t you?”

My best friend chuckles and nods. I grin. She really is. She knows how to handle herself, defend herself, and doesn’t let anyone step all over her. She is a complete and total badass. I hear groaning and moaning coming from behind us. I turn to see three dead’uns making their way, slowly, towards us. 

I look up at Alyss and she smirks at me, giving me a nod. I step back slightly to let her do her thing. She pulls the aluminum baseball bat she has hanging from her hip up and into her grasp. I watch as her fingers curl ‘round the handle. She brings it up to her shoulder as she stalks towards the dead’uns. 

She gets ready, standing with her feet shoulder length apart, bat drawn up into a batting stance, and she prepares to swing. As soon as the dead’uns are close ‘nough to her, she swings the bat mercilessly into the sides of their mushy skulls, one right after ‘nother. 

They fall to the ground at her feet, truly dead. Alyss swings the bat to the side, flinging the blood off of it. Once most of the blood is gone, she reaches down to rip a piece from one of the dead’uns shirts. She wipes the bat clean and tosses the bloodied cloth down onto the ground.

She places it back in its holder on her hip as she walks back over to me. I give her a high five, grinning. Negan lets out a low whistle.

“Sweet baby Jesus. Lord have mercy. You sure know how to handle a bat, girl.” He says.

Alyss laughs. “Of course I fuckin’ do.”

Negan’s eyes twinkle with amusement and something akin to lust. A smirk plays on his lips.

“Well, shit, doll. Remind me not to fuckin’ piss you off.” He says.

“You’d do well to remember that. I’d hate to mess that pretty face of yours up.” My friend retorts.

Negan chuckles. “You think I have a pretty face?”

Alyss rolls her eyes. I chuckle. Negan has no idea who he’s messing with. I glance over at my husbands. They’re both smirking.

“Doll. I’ve got an offer you can’t refuse.” Negan starts.

“Try me.” Alyss says.

That smirk of Negan’s gets bigger. “Well, you see, doll, I’m the leader of this compound, called The Sanctuary. We could use someone like you there. You’re a badass, easy on the eyes, and you’ve got a got sense of humor. Normally, people only get two options, but I’ll give you three. One, you come back, work for points, pay your way, and I’ll keep you safe. Two, you work for me as a Savior, similar to what these three here do, and you don’t have to work for points. You take what you earn. Or three, and this is by far my favorite of the choices. You agree to be one of my wives, and you can have everything your pretty little heart desires. You don’t have to work. I’ll keep you safe. All you have to do is look pretty, and be willing to come to me whenever I call for you. Now, keep in mind, if you go with door number three, I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. I don’t believe in that shit, and if someone tries it, I’m quick to shut that shit down. So…what’ll it be, sweetheart?”

“Wives? You have more than one?”

“Fuck yes I do! I’ve got three. You’ll be lucky wife number four. If you say yes, of course.”

“I’ll stick to being a Savior, thank you. I don’t share my men with other women. As attractive as you are, I refuse to be just another notch on your bed, Negan.”

My brother-in-law bites his bottom lip, and nods his head, slowly. I know that wasn’t the response he was hoping for, but I know my friend. She wouldn’t put up with having to share him.

She pulls her bat up into her grasp once more, and points it as Negan. “Like I said, you’re a pretty boy, and while I don’t give a flyin’ fuck what you fuckin’ do in your own fuckin’ time, I don’t share my pretty boys.”

Negan’s eyes widen for a split second before the biggest, shit-eating grin covers his face. I shake my head at him, as my friend slides her bat back into it’s holster on her hip.

“Fair ‘nough, doll. Just know that the option is always available for you.” Negan says, smirking at my best fuckin’ friend.

Now that I know for a fact Alyss is coming back with us, I can’t contain my excitement. I’ve missed the shit outta her, and now we’ll be able to hang out more. She tells us that she’s got her bike with her. Negan, Jeffery, and Tim all load the motorcycle up into the bed of our truck. 

The boys pile into the front seat while Alyss and I settle into the backseat. We joke ‘round, talk, and tease each other relentlessly until we get back home.

[thelastspeecher]

Not too good at suggestions, but how about for the werepire au we take a look at Stan and Angie getting along when they first met, and maybe them confessing to each other that they aren't human?

Day 01   Day 02   Day 03   Day 04   Day 05   Day 06   Day 07   Day 08Day 09   Day 10   Day 11   Day 12   Day 13   Day 14   Day 15   Day 16Day 17   Day 18   Day 19   Day 20   Day 21   Day 22   Day 23   Day 24Day 25   Day 26   Day 27   Day 28   Day 29   Day 30

You want it, you got it.  Enjoy some Stan and Angie initial interactions.

Word count: 1352

              Stan tossed the clothes he’dstolen from Walmart at Angie.

              “Here,” he grunted.

              “Thank you,” Angie said quietly.  Stan looked over at her.  When he’d woken up this afternoon, only tosee that the wolf he’d found last night had turned into a nude woman, he’d beenfrustrated beyond belief.  It didn’t helpthat she only remembered her first name. He’d hoped that she was a vampire like him.  Maybe someone that he could commiserate with.  But she wasn’t.  

              Angie, wrapped up in a blanket,looked through the clothes, her cheeks flushed a slight pink.  A few strands of caramel-colored hair dangledin front of her face.  She tucked thehair behind her ear.  Stan looked away,suddenly realizing he was staring.

              “So,” Stan said.  He cleared his throat.  “Did, uh, did you remember where you’re from?”

              “No.”  Stan could practically feel the anxietycoming off Angie in waves.  “I don’tremember a thing.”

              “That sucks.”

              “Yeah.”  Angie sighed heavily.  “I’m- I’m not sure what to do now.”  Stan clenched his hands into fists.

              Don’t do it, Stan.  Don’t.  She’s a grown woman.  She can take care of herself.  She doesn’t need help from a homeless vampire.

              “I guess I’ll- uh, maybe I’ll tryto take a bus somewhere,” Angie continued. “Not- not sure where. Arkansas?  California?”

              “One of those is a good option,the other one isn’t,” Stan said.  “Why thehell would anyone wanna go to Arkansas?”

              “…I don’t know,” Angie whispered.  She sniffed loudly.  “Than- thank you fer- fer yer help.  I ‘ppreciate it.”  Her voice was choked up.  She was clearly struggling to hold backtears.  Stan sighed.

              Fuckit.

              “Look.”  Stan took a seat on the grimy motel bed.  Angie looked at him, a few stray tearsshining on her cheeks.  “If- if you wannago going, try to figure stuff out, you can. But…”  Stan grimaced.  “You can come with me, if you want.”

              “I’d- I’d hate to impose,” Angiesaid quietly.  She twisted the blanket inher hands.

              “I’m not gonna try to convinceyou that it’s fine,” Stan said.  “Ialready told you.”  After a moment, Angienodded.

              “If- if yer fine with that, I’ll-I’d like to- to come with ya.”

              “Okay.”  Stan got up. “Get dressed, then.  We’ve gottabounce tonight.”

              “Isn’t checkout usually in themornin’?” Angie asked, confused.

              “Yeah.  We’re leaving before checkout.”

              “Why?”

              “One word, toots,” Stan said.  “Money.” Angie frowned.  “If you’re notcomfortable with stealing things or breaking the law, you’re not gonna enjoycoming with me.  I’m pretty much alwaysrunning from cops.”  Angie chewed her lip.

              “Beats wanderin’ ‘round thecountryside without any protection,” she said finally.  “And on the bright side, if I get hauled infer bein’ an accomplice, the police might be able to figure out who I am.”  Stan raised an eyebrow.

              “Yeah.  But they’re never gonna catch us.  I’m pretty damn good.”

              “Guess I’ll have to find out whoI am some other way, then,” Angie said with a shrug.  A slow smile began to spread across Stan’sface.

              “You’re a tough one, huh.”

              “Tough as nails and twice assharp,” Angie said.  She winked.  Stan’s grin broadened.

              “Yeah?  Maybe you can prove it when we’re on theroad.”  He nodded at the clothes she wasstill holding.  “Get dressed.  We can grab somethin’ to eat on our way outtatown.”

—– 

A month later

              “So that’s why when I met you,you were a giant wolf,” Stan said.  Hehanded Angie a protein bar.  Sitting onthe hood of the car, wrapped in the blanket Stan had stolen from the motel they’dstayed in a few weeks ago, Angie frowned.

              “Yer tryin’ to tell me I’m…awerewolf?  I don’t remember much ‘boutmyself, Stan, but I think I’d know if I was a werewolf.”

              “Look, I saw it, okay?  We were outside, I was taking a smoke break,you were trying to find constellations or whatever-”

              “I remember that part,” Angiesaid, nodding.  “You made fun of me, butthen I found Gemini and you got all sad.”

              “I wasn’t sad,” Stan scoffed.

              “Uh, yeah, ya were,” Angieretorted.  Stan glared at her.

              “Sometimes I wonder why I let youstick around with me.”

              “I’m amazing at standin’ guardwhile ya break the law,” Angie said.

              “Yeah, yeah.  Whatever.” Stan leaned against the car, next to Angie.  “Like I was saying, you were talking aboutstars.  And then you stoppedmid-sentence.  I looked at you, and youstarted growing fur all over.  Next thingI knew, you were a huge-ass wolf.”

              “But…werewolves aren’t real,”Angie said slowly.  Stan rolled his eyes.

              “That’s what people say aboutvampires.  And you know I’m one of those.”  Stan grinned at her, showing off his largefangs.

              “That’s true.”  Angie pulled the blanket closer.  “I- I s’ppose it’d make sense, since I’ve gota scar that looks like a dog bit me.  Butwhy can’t I remember a time before bein’ a werewolf?”

              “Maybe it short-circuited yourbrain or something,” Stan suggested.  He shrugged.  “When I got turned, it fucked me over.  I was delirious for three days straight.”

              “Great,” Angie muttered.  She rubbed her face.  “I wonder if- if I even told my fam’ly that Igot bitten by a wolf or dog or whatever I thought it was.  Y’know, before I disappeared.”

              “Dunno.”

              “My fam’ly…” Angie saidquietly.  Stan eyed her.  The first few days on the road, Angie hadbeen crying near constantly, to the point that Stan seriously considered leavingher at a gas station.  The number one reasonfor her tears: the fact that she couldn’t remember her family, but also couldn’tshake the feeling that they were important to her.

              Can’t really relate to that.  Notanymore.  Stan took a breath.  No, Stan.  Stop being a dick.  Angie’s been great, especially for a homelessamnesiac werewolf.  Try to comfort her.  She’s dealing with a lot.

              “I…I get it,” Stan managed.  Angie looked at him.  “I, um, I have a twin brother.  His name’s Stanford.”

              “…Stanley and Stanford?”

              “Yeah.  Pops wasn’t a very imaginative guy.”  Stan shoved his hands in his pockets.  “Ford and I had a falling out a while back,when we were still in high school.  Thingswent south fast, I got kicked outta the house, spiraled, got turned into avampire, and then found you in the woods. I don’t- I don’t really think about my family being worried about me thatmuch anymore.  But if I was still onspeaking terms with Ford…”  Stansighed.  “I’d be upset, knowing that hehad no clue where I was.”

              “Why did ya have a fallin’ out?”Angie asked quietly.

              “I’m not gonna get into it rightnow.  It’s a long story.  And we barely know each other.”

              “I don’t know if I’d say that.  We’ve been livin’ together fer a month.”

              “Still.”

              “Hmm.”  Angie looked down at the unopened protein barstill in her hands.  “This is my fav’riteflavor.”

              “Yeah.  I remembered from last time,” Stan said.  Angie grinned.  “It’s not like I- I went outta my way to getyou the flavor you like or whatever.  Thatone was on sale.”  Angie let out a barkof laughter.  Stan stared at her.

              I think that’s the first time I’ve heard her laugh.  A smile forced its way onto his face.  I kindalike it.  It’s weird, like she is.

              “Yer quite the character, Stan,”Angie said.  “Never thought I’d meet avampire who cared so much about people, but felt like he had to hide it all thetime.”  She paused.  “Never thought I’d meet a vampire, period.”

              “Yeah, well.”  Stan shrugged.  “I aim to impress.”  Angie leaned over.  She planted a small kiss on his cheek.

              “You succeed.”  She slid off the hood of the car, leaving theblanket and protein bar behind.  “I’mgoin’ to use the bathroom real quick ‘fore we head out.”  Angie strolled into the gas station, humming.  Stan watched her leave.  The heat from the kiss spread throughout hisface.

              It was the warmest he’d felt inyears.