#friendship struggles then we went to the one place that would always flag him without fail

[empire-system]

Welcome back kai 😭 I guess

Why are you out of dormancy. What compels you to be here.

[valwentinefics]

Freedom - Helmut Zemo X F!Reader

Plot: You broke into the raft to reunite with your imprisoned lover Helmut Zemo, no longer caring what your old friends the Avengers would think of you.

A/n: This is short and pretty uneventful. I’m not that big of a fan of it but I wanted to get something out. Don’t worry I didn’t forget about y’all, I’m just a bit off schedule right now!

Warnings: Guns, mentioned helicopter crash

The plan was simple on the outside but made of so many complicated variables that it made your head spin. Despite the headache you got just by thinking of it, you knew you had to go along with it. You had to get him out. Before you would have scoffed if anyone were to tell you you would fall in love with Baron Helmut Zemo, you would have burst into laughter if someone told you that you would betray your friends' trust and use your influence as an Avenger just to get him out. But love is a strong emotion that changes a person, just like betrayal and longing. You felt them all deep inside your body, threatening to spill out in the form of tears and screams, yet you somehow managed to contain them despite the struggle. 

You could imagine the looks on your former friends' faces when they found out who was behind the ingenious breakout of the criminal, the disappointment they would feel, the betrayal that would fill their thoughts as they wondered what went wrong with you. They believed he was bad and so they had him locked up. In your mind he wasn’t the criminal they described, they didn’t know him as well as you did. They didn’t understand his emotions and reasonings that in your eyes justified his actions. Because of this you couldn’t bring yourself to care about how the others would feel about your actions. They didn’t matter. The second Bucky had Zemo sent to the raft after he had deemed him useless to the fight against the Flag Smashers was the second your comrades were against you.

The halls were empty as you marched down them, the red flashing lights and blaring alarm indicating an emergency filled your senses, but you didn’t care. You had tunnel vision in a way, the only thing that mattered to you was Zemo and being back in his arms. It was pitiful how easy it was to divert attention away from the area where his cell was. All it took was a helicopter crashing into the opposite side of the building, a few bribes, and the use of Friday who had listened to you easily due to your close friendship with Tony before his passing to replay old footage on the security cameras. You had expected to meet more resistance as shown by the the guns held in each hand and strapped to your back, but instead there was no one around. It was almost disappointing.

The sound of other prisoners shouting at you to help them managed to be audible over the sound of the alarm. You didn’t pay attention to them despite their pleas, they weren’t who you were looking for. You approached the cell with the least amount of movement, looking to the bed where a man sat reading silently as if the chaos wasn’t bothering him but you could tell from the clench of his jaw he was starting to get annoyed. Luckily, you were there to put an end to his suffering. Putting a gun you held into its holster, you reached into the pocket of your pants, pulling out a key card you had stolen on your way in and pressing it against the scanner. The red light turned to green and you opened the door, making Zemo look up from his book with a curious glance. 

“So it was you who caused all this commotion, liebling?” He closed his book and sat up. “Now the question is, are you here to free me, or for another reason?” 

“I’m here to free you of course.” You smiled at him, resisting the urge to run over to him and press your lips against his, craving the feeling of his kiss that always soft but managed to be filled the passion that a rough one would contain.

“I doubt your Avenger friends were too happy when you told them your plan.” He stood up, stretching his arms. His comment made you scoff, causing him to tilt his head. It was a gesture he didn’t seem to aware of doing but it made you feel soft and happy whenever he did. You loved all his little mannerisms, they all made him himself. 

“They don’t know.” You explained, grabbing your bag off your back and pulling out a uniform for him to put over his own clothes. You doubted you would encounter anyone, but it was a precaution. If anyone didn’t look too close at him he wouldn’t be recognized. You had also arranged for someone to bring in a corpse that looked close enough to Zemo to give you both some time where you weren’t being hunted down by the governments of the world to get to your safehouse where you would live peacefully, but that wouldn’t come until you were both long gone.

“Oh really?” He hummed, taking the uniform from your hands, you felt a spark just from the brush of his hands against your own. “It seems as if I’ve corrupted you schatz.” he said teasingly as he put on the uniform over his prison clothes, knowing he wouldn’t have the time to change properly from the way you were tapping your foot.

You grabbed his hand and turned around to leave when he pulled you back into him, grabbing your face within his hands and pressing his forehead against your own in a tender gesture of affection. “Ich Liebe dich.” He muttered his love for you before giving you a small peck on the lips, pulling away with a soft smile plastered on his face. “Let's get out of here, shall we?” 

You handed him the gun you had placed in your holster earlier, still holding one tightly in your hand, the cold metal pressing into your skin. There was no turning back now, you were a criminal now and enemy to your friends. However, you found out that inside you didn’t care. You didn’t want to turn back to your former life because now you had Zemo, the man you loved more than anything. The sacrifice you were making for him and the way you would miss your now former friends paled in comparison to the way you felt for Zemo. You would sacrifice even more if it meant you would get to have a happy ending with him.

You nodded. “Yes, lets go.” You held his hand tightly as you left the cell and into the flashing red corridor of the raft, freedom awaiting you both. The freedom to love each other without fear or being ripped apart or judged. The freedom to belong completely to each other. What greater freedom could there be than the freedom to love him freely?

[angstsfordays]

Beautiful Pain (2)

Chapter Two- Here I Am

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Enhanced! Reader

Summary: Post-Blip, you started to feel lost when most of the Avengers team are gone. Coping with your loss, you still find hope in the connection with your remaining friends. However, it is not easy as everyone is trying to figure their lives after the Blip.

Having a long history with Bucky ever since you both saved each other from Hydra, you were still glad you had Bucky after all this time. However, as you try to give Bucky space to find himself after being pardoned for his past, you start to wonder if you should ever cross the line of friendship before it’s too late.

That thought might have to be put on hold though, when you, Sam and Bucky find yourselves having to deal with threats that continue to rise in a post-Blip world.

Chapter synopsis: Shocking news brought you and Bucky back together with Sam. You three find out that a new threat arises in a post-Blip world.

Warnings: A bad word or two or three because come on, John Walker is in this chapter.

Word count: 4.5k

Notes: This chapter is nothing too crazy but warming up as it delves into the tv series' storyline. Here you can see how the reader's character plays out in the storyline.

I started a tag list for this series! Let me know if you want to join in with a message or comment in the chapters!

Leave a like, reblog or comment to let me know what you think! 🥰

Previous: Prologue | Chapter One |

Next: Chapter Three

-------------------------//---------------------------

Bucky promised to make your coffee while you went to take a shower after you came back. Switching off the hairdryer, you placed it back in its place before stepping out of the bathroom.

Perking up at the sound of the television, you made your way to find Bucky sitting on the floor. Seeing he made no sign of acknowledgement at your presence, you looked up to see what he was so entranced at.

Eyes averting to the screen, you saw a man being interviewed at what seemed like a stadium in the background. Scanning over his features, you quickly noticed the familiarity in his suit and how he was supposed to remind you of someone you held dear in your heart.

The caption that appeared on the bottom of the screen only added on to confirm your suspicions. A sudden rush of emotions started to wash over you like a huge tide.

Disbelief. Outrage. The nerve.

You glanced over to Bucky who was sitting still with a disbelieving look when the announcer asked her next question.

“Did you know Steve Rogers?” Before you knew it, you already started to shake your head in disapproval as the man, John Walker started to respond to the question.

He spoke of how he closely followed Steve’s career as an Avenger and drew inspiration in his work from Steve, citing him as a role model. Nodding in satisfaction at John’s answer, the announcer continued. “You’ve always wanted to be a hero?”

John Walker answered that he liked that his job would help to make people feel safe. He added how Steve was someone who was able to accomplish that and gave him hope.

While his answers sounded pleasant enough, you couldn’t help but feel displeased with it. His next sentence only served to make you feel worse.

“Even though I never met him, he feels like a brother.” John Walker could have chosen any other words. Mentor. Role model. The fact that he said brother like as if he wanted to draw some sort of association to Steve felt wrong.

You immediately kneeled down to Bucky’s level and waited for him to look back at you. Bucky shook his head while clenching his jaw tight.

“Buck….” Whispering his name gently, you hoped to get him to open up on what he was feeling.

“This is just wrong. I can’t believe….how could Sam even-” Struggling to put together his emotions properly, you gave him a soothing rub on his shoulders to ease his flustered state.

“I know, I understand.” You went ahead to embrace him in a side hug. Bucky leaned in and rested his head in the crook of your neck, relishing in the comfort you were giving to him.

“We need to talk to Sam.” He gave you an affirmative stare before you nodded in agreement.

-------------------------//---------------------------

Waiting around absent-mindedly at the hangar, you were brought back to focus when you heard Bucky speak up and already walking towards Sam.

“Shouldn’t have given up the shield.” You could hear how Bucky was trying to hold in his distaste and quickly followed behind him.

“Good to see you, Buck.” Sam acknowledged him in response. You could tell that Sam was trying to avoid the topic of conversation as he continued in his tracks only to stop when his eyes met yours.

“How’ve you been doing?” Sam took a step forward to give you a quick hug and you grinned at the sight of your friend.

“I’ve been good, Sam. How about you?” You asked to which he said he was doing alright.

“You still not tired of him?” Sam made a quip and you bit your lips to prevent a burst of laughter from coming out. You nervously glanced to see Bucky not looking one bit amused by the exchange and averted your eyes away.

“This is wrong.” Bucky tried to bring up the topic again to which Sam tried to put down. He remarked that he was now working and whatever outrage Bucky was having had to wait.

They continued their argument as they bickered back and forth about their views on John Walker becoming the new Captain America. Even saying that in your head left a sour taste.

Sam tried telling Bucky that there was nothing he could do to rectify the situation. He gave the shield away to the government and it was no longer in his hands. Retracting the decision simply cannot be done.

You understood both of their perspectives and you couldn’t take a side entirely. Yes, you all felt the heavy emotions about having Steve’s legacy just handed over to someone who you weren’t even sure was deserving of it. John Walker might be an exemplary soldier but he wasn’t the one that Steve chose to take over him.

Then again, you recalled how Sam was still unsure if he could leave up to Steve’s legacy and even remarked that the shield didn’t feel like it wasn’t his own, but someone else’s. You were sure that it was definitely not an easy decision for Sam to make and he wouldn’t have made it if he knew what the government had decided to do with the shield once they had their hands on it.

You winced at the heated exchange as your friends continued to assert their points. Sam had enough of the conversation and stressed that he now has work that he needed to attend to. Bucky scoffed at how Sam could even disregard the matter but Sam went on to tell you two about an online group called the Flag Smashers that seemed to have connections with rebel organisations across Europe.

He had intel from Redwing about their last known location and that was where he was heading to. Bucky gave a disapproving look and talked about his mistrust of the tech.

Even though Bucky was dear to you, you couldn’t help to sigh at how stubborn he is.

Sam went on to say that he wants to check if this group could be part of the Big Three. Bucky gave a confused look before asking what’s that. Sam looked like he couldn’t believe what Bucky had just said.

The two continued to have another exchange, but one that you now observed to be light-hearted and displaying their child-like tendencies only when they are around each other. You shook your head and just thought, men.

Sam decided he didn’t have time for any more banter and made his way to the plane with Bucky insisting on going with him. Well, guess that’s where you’re heading then.

-------------------------//---------------------------

Somehow, Bucky managed to get his hands on a tactical jacket and suited up. You looked down to your tailored suit, one that you often wore as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent. It was not the most mission friendly, but it will do.

It had been an hour since you have boarded the plane but Bucky and Sam had not spoken since. You found yourself to be the buffer between the two and couldn’t help but feel a little awkward.

“Hey Y/N.” Your head tilted up from looking at the ground when you heard Sam calling for you.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry, I haven’t been in touch but what’ve you been up to lately?”

“Oh, not much. I recently reached out to Wanda, wanted to see how she was doing.” Sam nodded in understanding before continuing to ask if you had found any work. You weren’t sure where to start because you didn’t know how to.

Given your condition as an enhanced and recalling your last meeting with someone from the state office, you couldn’t find do much without getting on their radar. You were lucky you still had some money left to tide you over but you honestly do not know how you were ever going to get a proper job.

“I’ve been volunteering with a social service centre.” You answered after taking some time. When Sam gave you a surprising look to your answer, you started cracking your knuckles- a habit you had when you got nervous. Sensing your nerves, Sam decided to withhold himself from prying further.

“That’s nice to hear. An unexpected career change but it’s a good job.” He tried to reassure you.

“Yeah, I’m still not sure what I want. You know after everything that has happened.” Sam did not say anything else but just nodded in agreement.

You suddenly felt a hand on yours and looked to see Bucky glancing at you with slight concern. You tried to muster up a smile to show that you were alright.

Looking down to the ground again, you missed the intense staring contest that started between the two men as Torres announced the one-minute mark before drop-off. When you heard the plane door being opened, the two men went forward to get their comms.

Bucky passed you yours before turning to ask Sam on what’s the plan. Sam kept silent and Bucky scoffed at the fact that Sam had none.

“No, you can’t call me that.’” Bucky retorted when Sam called him Buck.

Sam questioned why not and claimed that you and Steve could call him that.

“Steve knew me longer and I actually like Y/N so she can call me that. Steve also always had a plan.” You took a double-take at what Bucky just said and tried not to overthink. He only meant you were tolerable in his eyes compared to Sam.

Sam could not deal with Bucky’s attitude before walking off to the door and countering that he indeed had a plan. When Bucky asked once more about it, Sam just leapt off without a reply.

Rolling his eyes, Bucky asked Torres for the parachute but was told that there wasn’t any. Bucky stalked off towards the door and claimed he didn’t need one anyway. Torres gave him a second glance and asked if he was sure.

Bucky affirmed that he was fine and then proceeded to tear off the sleeve of his jacket. You had to control yourself from laughing out loud at his dramatics and he glanced back at you.

“Buck, you know I can help you down-” You tried to convince him before he jumped off first and you heard the yelling after.

Letting out a groan at your stubborn 106-year-old friend, you rested your hands on your waist as you looked out the door over the landscape.

“Mam?” Torres looked over at you in curiosity.

“I’m not that old, Lieutenant.” You grimaced at how he addressed you even if it was a sign of respect.

Huffing out a sigh, you thought here goes nothing.

Fisting your hands by your side, you took a deep breath and channel your energy towards your palms. Fanning your hands out, Torres was taken aback when energy flames emitted from your palms and you used it to propel yourself off the ground and out of the door.

It has been a while since you flew and you took a moment to steady yourself before trying to look for where Bucky landed.

You could hear Sam talking to Bucky on the comms about his less than graceful fall and couldn’t help but giggle before finding your way to the building with Bucky. You had to stifle your laughter when Bucky tried to swipe Redwing off as his irritation grew.

Once you met up with Sam, he went to note that the people you were after were in the building. Your friends being the ‘friends’ that they were started to clash once more about how to go about this mission.

Bucky went to use his expertise as an assassin to assess the situation and stealthily walked ahead first. Sam was amused at how he came out as a white panther after his time in Wakanda to which Bucky corrected as white wolf.

Sam gave you a confused look to which you shrugged your shoulders in response. It was a story for another time.

The two of you caught up to Bucky faster than he thought. When the two started bickering again about the next course of action and trying to one-up the other, you had enough and placed your hands over both parties mouth to shush them.

“Enough the both of you, I feel like a kindergarten teacher with two children engaging in childish conflict.” You hissed to show your annoyance at the both of them. Seeing you this upset got Sam and Bucky to take a step back and tone it down.

When you let go of your hands, you expected them to behave but they continued to stare at each other. Bucky wanted to quickly proceed while Sam wanted to wait it out. Their bickering caused a slight commotion and you were suddenly wary that you might have alerted the group of your presence.

All three of you stood still before observing that it was all still good. You heard someone instructing the group to get a move on and Sam used Redwing to check that there might be a hostage on board.

Once you heard the vehicles rolling out, all of you sprang into action. You and Sam took to the air while Bucky went full speed ahead on the grounds. Everything happened so fast all at once and before you knew it, Bucky opened the doors of the truck and spotted the hostage. He noted that medicines and vaccines were in the truck.

As you processed the information, you could hear him talking to the hostage before you heard the loud slam next.

You saw Bucky suddenly got shoved back and slammed into the front of the truck that was following behind. You noted a redhead woman who put on a mask and then the other two men who hauled Bucky up to the roof of the truck.

Seeing that both men whom you assumed were incredibly strong to hold Bucky down, you went for those guys first while Sam took care of the woman. You tried throwing a few punches at them but they barely flinched.

You turned your back to see Sam being thrown off to the next truck by the woman and another huge man with shoulder-length hair going for Sam. Who were these guys and how did they have such strength? It was almost like they were….

Your next thoughts were interrupted when you sensed a fist coming your way to which you dodged. You tried to hold your ground by avoiding the attacks. They keep coming relentlessly and you knew you couldn’t hold back. You had to use your powers now.

Channelling your powers to your fist, you sent a blast of energy to knock down the two men that held Bucky down. The woman turned to look at you in surprise at the sight of your abilities.

You wanted to go for the man that was about to attack Sam before you heard the sound of metal clashing. Your head tilted up to see a helicopter with someone peering down. He swooped down onto the truck and you immediately recognised who he was.

Why was he even here? You briefly thought before you turned your focus to the fight. John Walker proceeded to use the shield almost effortlessly to knock down members of the Flag Smashers before introducing himself. His partner followed after. They both claimed to help before everyone started to focus on their own fights.

You used your powers to knock people over and fend yourself. In the midst of all the actions, you noticed that Bucky got knocked down and was holding onto the bottom of the truck, avoiding to fall flat onto the road surface. You wanted to help him but got stopped by the man with shoulder-length hair.

You raised both hands surging with flaming energy and saw how he stood still for a moment. You believed that he was more hesitant knowing you were an enhanced individual.

“Be warned, this might leave a burn.” You were nice enough to give a heads up. Before he could take another step further, his companions took you by a chokehold. You grabbed onto the person’s arms and gave them a slight burn.

The person exclaimed in pain and let go. You saw that Bucky and Sam were nowhere in sight while John Walker’s partner was out. Another person came for you and you let out a burst of energy that blinded everyone in their surroundings with its sheer brightness.

You saw how everyone hunched over and the shoulder-length haired man started backing down and it led to him leaning over to almost fall off the truck.

On instinct, you went over to grab his hand. Even though he was the enemy, you didn’t want to take lives unnecessarily. You felt him grabbing onto your arm tightly and pulled him back up by having your right arm blasting energy to weigh you down on where you stood.

He managed to recover and you left him be. You looked over to see John Walker taking on the redheaded woman but to no avail as he got shoved off the truck and landed on the front of a car below.

Seeing that you were the only one left, you gulped as you realised you were outnumbered. Should you even take the risk? Before you can think of your next actions, someone came up from behind you again and you quickly turned to intercept.

What you lacked in strength, you made sure to utilise your powers. You managed to slam the person down in a chokehold which you learnt from Natasha and aimed a fist that was covered in energy flames.

You heard a loud ‘NO’ and before you realised you were picked up and dragged off to be thrown off the truck. Quickly gathering your energy to soften your blow, you barely floated off the ground as your energy acted as a cushion to lift you off the surface.

Letting yourself stand steady on the ground, you didn’t give John Walker and his partner a second look before you flew off to find your friends.

-------------------------//---------------------------

When you found Bucky and Sam, they were huddled together in a flower field. The two of them looked more irritated than ever. You gave both of them a hand and pulled them up. You gave Bucky a glance over and noticed he had a bruise forming near his eyes.

He shook it off like it was nothing and asked after you. You reassured him that you were alright, just a little worn out. You asked after Sam and was glad to know he did not sustain any major injuries.

The three of you decided to make your way back on foot. The road ahead looked far and Sam started to strike up a light-hearted conversation with Bucky. You quietly listened in as you were too tired to even bother participating.

You smirked at how even though Sam was trying to tick Bucky off, you knew he only had good intentions to check on Bucky’s state of mind.

Bucky ignored whatever Sam said and then noted that there was a need to find out where the group back there got their super serums from. Sam couldn’t fathom how eight super soldiers were on the loose after eighty years.

You chimed in that you thought that the super-soldiers were eliminated in Siberia years ago. As you three were figuring out, you heard a vehicle coming from behind you. You saw it was John Walker and he stopped slightly ahead to open the door for you three.

You were almost slightly tempted to save your aching legs if not for the fact you weren’t so keen on him.

The men were all in a discussion about the group and you could all confirm for a fact that they weren’t part of the Big Three. In fact, they had to be super soldiers. John Walker proposed to work together but Bucky wasn’t having any of it.

“Just because you carry the shield doesn’t mean you’re Captain America.” Bucky shot back harshly. John Walker with that thick skin of his brushed it off and countered that he was more than qualified.

You could not stop yourself from intervening this time.

“Being Captain America is more than about just being a good soldier! There’s a lot more where it comes from.” Sam and Bucky felt the emotions from your statement, knowing that it wasn’t just out of distaste for the new ‘Captain’ but of how you really felt about Steve’s legacy.

Hearing your words, John Walker let out a sigh before continuing to persuade everyone again. He claimed that it was still a long way to the airport and that you should just accept the ride. Asking the driver to stop the vehicle once more, you, Sam and Bucky gave each other another look before you all hopped on.

Sam went in first. Bucky was ahead of you but stopped short before holding your hand to help you up. You took the seat next to Sam and Bucky took his place beside you. Looking across John and his partner who you remembered was Lemar from earlier.

Everyone started discussing about the Flag Smashers and what their purpose was. You listened in until you heard something from John that made you livid. He remarked how the serum doesn’t exactly have a great track record and meant no offence as he glanced at Bucky.

“Offense is already taken! How dare you-” You burst out before being motioned to calm down by Sam. Bucky was moved that you stood up for him.

“Woah easy there.” John tried to look innocent before Sam interjected and continued on the topic of the Flag Smashers. You learnt that John and Lemar managed to track you three by hacking into Redwing. They were acting on behalf of the government to keep things stable while resources were being managed, claiming there were violent revolutionaries happening post-Blip.

John went on to propose that you, Sam and Bucky should team up with them but Bucky flat out refused in a second. Lemar then went on to quip that all of you weren’t really handling it well until they stepped in.

“Y/N.” You scrunched your face in response when John called you like a familiar friend.

“I have only seen you from your profile but I must say I am glad to finally meet you. You look even prettier in person.”

If looks could kill, John would be dead a hundred times over under Bucky’s death stare.

You wanted to blanch at John’s word but controlled your expression. You tried to return a polite smile as he continued on.

“Why didn’t you accept our offer to be recruited to our team?” You gave a bewildered look before realization dawned upon you. The government official from that time wanted you to join Walker?

“What is he talking about, Y/N?” Bucky perked up at the new information and you looked over nervously, unsure what to say.

“When we were first brought together, we wanted to recruit Y/N here to be part of the team. We see her as a great asset given her powers and abilities. It would be amazing if we have her on our side.” You looked over to see Bucky literally looking like he was going to combust.

Bucky really hated the word asset, knowing that was how he was addressed back in the days. The word had a connotation of objectification and he was mad that John actually used it to describe you. You were more than that.

“Yeah, you should join us. We could really use your help. You were literally the last one standing with the Flag Smashers back there!” Lemar egged on.

“When was this?” Bucky asked with a tinge of hurt in his voice. He couldn’t believe you didn’t tell him about it at all.

“It was several months ago Buck, I refused their offer straight out.” You answered him before looking straight at John and Lemar.

“I did not want to give them a chance to exploit me for my powers. I know your type. You claim to appreciate what I can offer but I would never be free of my own will.” Your words were sharp and laid with revulsion.

“They only seek me to control me, they are afraid of what happens if I am left unsupervised.” You added with finality. You spared no sugar-coating and everyone kept silent for a moment.

This was the price to be someone like you in this world. Even when you know you won’t do anything out of turn, the government bodies would never trust you.

John pretended to clear his throat before speaking. “Y/N. I can assure you that I will do my very best to make sure that does not happen if you join me. I will speak up for you.”

No, you won’t. You can’t. You wanted to shoot back.

Bucky placed his hand over yours and held onto it as his way to show his care. He then went to ask again who Lemar was and Sam chimed in that he needed to know more. When Lemar gave his alias, that tipped the iceberg for Bucky before he called for the vehicle to stop.

He then immediately stepped down and started stalking off. John tried to call after Bucky and talk sense into him but of course, Bucky didn’t care for it.

He then went on to try to tell you and Sam that he wasn’t trying to be Steve or replace him and that he just wanted to be the best Captain America he could be.

You scoffed out loud at his words as it only served to rile you up. His next sentence took you off the edge.

“It’ll be a whole lot easier if I have Cap’s wingman by my side.” Disgusting. Does he even know what he was saying? You look over to see Sam in disbelief and you felt angry for him.

“It’s always that last line,” Sam said before you and he proceeded to step down from the vehicle.

“Eat shit, John.” You spat at him before you turned your back. You couldn’t go before you showed your loathing for him. Sam clapped your back and shook his head to tell you that Walker wasn’t worth it.

-------------------------//---------------------------

It was tense on the way back, but it was now for an entirely different reason compared to the first time. Sam checked in on you and Bucky to which you reassured him that you were alright.

“Let’s take the shield, Sam,” Bucky spoke up for the first time since the flight back.

Sam countered that it was not something that could be done simply and reminded him of a past similar event. The shield was technically government property and there was no way we could take it back without starting something.

Sam recapped how Sharon, Steve and he became fugitives and how he never wanted to live that life again. You couldn’t say anything to that knowing you managed to get a free pass in Wakanda alongside Bucky.

You all had no information to start with regarding the super soldiers but Bucky claimed otherwise. There was someone that Sam and you should meet.

-------------------------//---------------------------

That's it for chapter 2! I figured it will get too long if I cover the whole of ep 2 so I stopped here! We continue off on the next chapter! 😆

Tag list:

@tanyaherondale @spookycereal-s

[waitingat-thefrontgate]

Hell Was The Journey

Summary: Max and Spencer's almost meet...two times before they do

Word Count: 1769

Authors Note: I love Max. I love Spencer and Max's relationship. I also LOVE Taylor Swift, so when I was listening to invisible string I couldn't help but wonder how that'd be a cute Maxcer fic. So here I am! I made a separate account to post this. I hope you enjoy!

p.s this isn't probably the first fic inspired by that song, but I am pretty sure it is the first Maxer one. Please correct me if I'm wrong!

4x8

Max let out a deep sigh as she checked her watch. She had an hour before she had to head to her student teaching placement, an hour she wouldn’t have if her professor didn’t end class early.

“Come on Max, let’s act like college students and do something on campus” her classmate Leah said.

Before Max could respond, Leah had already pulled Max off to a direction.

“You know we could be lesson planning. Or even better, go somewhere to eat!” Max grumbled as she would have preferred to spend the hour decompressing her teaching credential program’s tough schedule. Although she looked forward to seeing her students and loved being able to share the passion of art with others, Max still couldn’t help but wonder if this was what she was supposed to do with her life. She followed her mom’s advice about pursuing something she loved, but an art history degree unfortunately isn’t getting her job interviews.

Ignoring her, Leah stopped at a bulletin board that listed all the current events that were going on campus. “Max! They are holding an FBI recruitment seminar in a few minutes, we should go!”

“I don’t think the FBI will be impressed with my 5’2 stature and art history degree” Max snorts and shakes her head. “Besides, we are pretty knee deep in another career path.”

“I know that, but who knows who we’ll meet. Maybe some cute guys are interested, or better yet, maybe there’s some hot FBI agents here already. Let’s go!!” Without giving Max the second to respond, Leah at pulled her off to the direction of the building the FBI seminar was held.

They arrived a few minutes before it started. The presenter was an older man, who seemed to be already chatting with another attendee, who seemed to be dressed to impress wearing a suit and tie. It wasn’t until the younger man turned around that his holstered weapon was visible.

“What have I been doing wrong if he’s in the FBI. He looks about our age” Leah whispered.

Before Max could respond, her phone starting buzzing. Leah sent Max death glares as she picked up the phone, her brother-in-law Jared doesn’t call her unless it’s important.

“Hello?”

“Michelle’s in labor! We’re on our way to the hospital now. Meet us when you can!” Jared hung up right after his last words, probably calling the rest of the family.

After a few seconds of shock and the reality that her sister was going to be a mother, and Max would be an aunt registered, Max gathered her things right as the presenters started introducing themselves.

“Hello, good afternoon my name is David Rossi and I hav-“Leah looked at Max waiting for an answer as to why she was just leaving so quick.

“Sorry I’ll call you later” Max whispered, “let me know how it goes!” She slides out the door and starts running towards her car, knowing she will be meeting her niece or nephew very soon

10x9

Max couldn’t believe the news about her friend Jessica. Although her and Jessica haven’t been close ever since she went behind Max’s back and dated Mike Davis a week after they broke up, she was still horrified and saddened by the details of her death. Max knew that Jessica wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but she was a business owner, and her responses were always out of fear and stress about making ends meet.

She had already been in contact with other mutual friends she shared with Jessica, and she began scrolling through old pictures she had.

Max thought for a very long time that Mike Davis was going to be the man she’d marry. After a tough time getting a steady teaching job and losing her mother, Max so desperately wanted something she could say was hers. This led to her moving quickly with Mike and missing (and ignoring) the clear red flags. Even after the cheating and lying, Max was willing to forgive Mike. No matter how many times they broke up, Max always hoped for the day Mike would just pick her, and only her.

Feeling guilty about practically ending her friendship over a guy like that, Max sighed as she grabbed her keys to head to work. That’s when she jumped over her phone ringing.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Maxine Brenner?” a deep voice asked.

“Yes, yes this is her. May I ask who I’m speaking with?”

“My name is Aaron Hotchner, I work with the FBI and I’m calling to ask you questions about your friend, Jessica Harris. She had you listed as an emergency contact.”

Max’s heart stopped. She didn’t know. “Yes, yes of course. We haven’t been in contact as much, but I want to help however I can.”

“Would you be able to stop by our office this morning?”

Max bit her lip. She had already used all personal and sick days, and her current principal was everything but understanding. “I’m on my way to work right now, and unfortunately won’t have time until this afternoon.”

“I understand. Give me a second and I’ll connect you with another agent who can talk to you on the phone, and they’ll see if you should come down again this afternoon.” At the bureau, Aaron looks out his office window. He sees Spencer looking at the board of the case with the pictures of the victims and their location.

Aaron steps out of his office, enough for Spencer to hear him, “Hey Reid, I have a contact that knows Jessica on the phone right now, can you ask her some questions?”

Spencer doesn’t turn around. “I can’t right at this moment, I’m still putting together information about our other victim”

Aaron scans the room and noticed Anderson without a task. “Anderson! I’m gonna patch you with someone who knew one of our victims. If anything seems worthy have her come down this afternoon.”

Max twiddled her thumb until finally she hears another voice, “Hello, my name is Agent Anderson and I’ll be asking you a few questions about Jessica.”

During her entire commute, Max answered questions about Jessica truthfully. She winced when she realized she didn’t have many good things to say about her. Agent Anderson thanked her, and as of right now he doesn’t see a need for her to come down. Max thanked him and grabbed her things and walked towards her school. She knew her students would be able to make her smile.

15x4

It was Saturday morning and Max smiled as her nephew talked about school over breakfast. Her nephew was almost as tall as she was, but she still remembers how small he was when she first held him all those years.

She finally felt like she was in a good place. After many years of struggling silently Max got the strength to go to therapy and take the time and energy to truly heal. It was hard, she always found pride in her independence and her high walls. The decision to go wasn’t easy, but when she realized how much it was affecting her relationship with Sammy, she knew she had to go. For the first time, she talked about her childhood and the pressure of growing behind her sister Michelle’s shadow, losing her mother and her toxic, fast paced and short lived relationships.

For almost two years, she had been applying the advice her therapist had gave her. She took care of herself, began putting effort in her relationships with her family, especially Michelle, and instead of ignoring the topic of her mother, she talked and remembered her fondly. She even got in touch with a headhunter, considering maybe it was time to leave teaching and find something that was meant for her. The other day she even thought about asking her brother-in-law if any of his coworkers were single, but she didn’t because she still wasn’t sure she was ready for that.

“Max, can we get cinnamon rolls at the coffee shop we always go with my mom?” Sammy looked up with big puppy dogs eyes.

“Sammy, we just finished eating. You sure you have room?” Max raised her eyebrow as she paid the bill.

Sammy thought for a minute, “I actually don’t know. But the park is right there so we can always go there for a bit.”

“Mhhh,” Max thought for a minute herself. She looked out and saw that it was a beautiful day in D.C and she would appreciate more time with her nephew, “Alright, let’s swing by the park!”

When they got there, the parking was full. She did a few laps, and she was ready to give up, “Sammy, I don’t think it’s possible we’re gonna have to try again another time.” Max turned her blinker to turn on the road again to drop Sammy off at his house.

“Awe come on Max! It’ll be quick I promise!” Sammy gave his best puppy eyes and Max knew who would get their way.

She turned her car around and parked on a no parking area and turned to Sammy. “We have to be SO quick.”

Sometime past season 15

Max looked out the window of her dad’s house as she plans the summer programs for the Smithsonian. Spencer was teaching Sammy a new magic trick as the rest of her family preps dinner outside. It had been almost two years since that Saturday at the park. Something that wouldn’t have happened if she didn’t make that spur of a moment decision.

Spencer and Max had already realized the two times their paths would have crossed. It was more decisions that delayed their meeting, but they both agreed that they were supposed to meet on that Saturday. They had to go through things, change, hurt and grow to be the person they were today. The person that was right for the other.

Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.

Max put her things away. There was something that connected her with Spencer, and today, she thanked that thing a little more. She reached her bag that had a positive pregnancy test. Holding it close to her heart, she thought back of all the things that had happened, and she would do it again to be with Spencer and grow their family.

Spencer saw Max walking down to join them, he grins and thinks to himself he will never get over seeing her. He still feels like that Saturday night when he found her again after waiting in the hospital.

“Took you long enough” Spencer says as he laugh

[nooneelsecomesclose17]

Daddy's first pride

This is probably terrible, if so I'm sorry. From the Ana'verse.

"Plain iced cupcakes with different flags or rainbow icing." Robert announced as Aaron walked in the door with Ana on his hip and Seb following, making a beeline for his toys, giving his Dad a half hearted wave, as usual too interested in playing than anything else.

"Is this a quiz or..." He sets Ana down on the floor having picked her up from Sarah. He just stares at his husband, surrounded by recipe books, tapping away on his laptop, Sara in her bouncy chair in front of him fast asleep.

"For Pride. I can't make my mind up. Which do you think would be better?"

"Can we go back to the beginning, because I feel like I've walked in halfway through the series."

"Charles came in the cafe today, he's organising Pride in the village and he asked me to get involved." Aaron hasn't seen Robert look so eager about anything for ages, not since he came out of prison and he smiles along with him. "He's asked all local businesses for sponsorship or to be involved. I'm doing refreshments and stuff."

"When is it?"

"Next month. He said he'd called at the yard but couldn't make you hear." He goes back to scrolling on his laptop. "What do you think of these?"

"Must've had the crusher going." He shakes his head and picks his way through the mess surrounding Robert before he can sit down, lifting Ana onto his lap. "I can't hear a thing with that going you know that. What am I looking at?"

"Cookies. Maybe Mum could ice them, you know, all the different flags?"

"Yeah, why not. You know I'm the wrong person to ask, all I care about is if they taste nice."

"Idiot." He leans over to kiss him, closing his laptop. "I've put tea in early because there's a meeting at the village hall at six."

"About?"

"Pride, Aaron! I'm on the committee so I have to be on time. So you'll have to do bath time and that. I'll be home before they go to bed."

"There's a committee?"

"Yes. It all has to be arranged. You can help if you want. Mum's already volunteered, and there's Matty, Ethan, Charles, Nicola and Vic, oh and your Gran." He couldn't help smiling because he'd not seen Robert this animated in ages even if he truly couldn't remember any conversation they'd had about any of this.

"I'm not one for meetings am I, but I can do heavy lifting and that." He hesitates, not wanting to dampen Robert's mood one bit.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just...you've never really seemed interested in going to pride or 'owt." Robert looks down and he instantly feels bad. "Oi, it's not a criticism, I just wondered...you seem to be going at this hell for leather that's all. Did you want to go before or...?"

"Not really...I, nearly went once, in London. Chickened out at the last minute, worried someone from work might see me and just know which was daft I know, and when you and me got together, something always seemed to get in the way. I just thought...I know who I am now, and I'm happy. That's something to celebrate, isn't it?"

"Yeah, course. Be my first time too." He winks making Robert laugh. "Right, so, what else have you got planned?"

--------

"Robert!" It's only been a week and Aaron is wishing the days away so he can have his husband, and his house back. He's come home to a living room full of boxes.

"Oh, you're home. You're early."

"I thought I'd sack it off for the day and we could go to the pub for tea with the kids. I didn't expect to come home to...well this."

"Daddy look!" All of a sudden Seb emerges from behind the pile of boxes with what looks like a door curtain trailing behind him.

"Very nice mate. Robert what is all this."

"Ah...well..." Robert scratches his head as he untangles Seb from the decoration he's wrapped himelf in. "The thing is, I'm kinda in charge now."

"How come?"

"It was meant to be Andrea, although if you ask me she only agreed because she thinks it'll keep her in with Charles." Aaron nods, even though he really has no idea what he's talking about, but then Robert's always been more into village gossip than him. "Anyway she's cried off, I don't know, some kind of drama with Jamie again, and well Charles needed the help."

"And you agreed."

"He was stuck!"

Robert and Charles have struck up a kind of friendship since Robert came home, and Aaron knows that he's confided in him, stuff he doesn't want to tell Aaron, or things he needs to sort out before he does.

"Right, so basically the house is going to be a store room for the next fortnight?"

"No, I'm moving it all over to the village hall, but it needed checking, and Mum was going to help but then Ana wanted to go to the swings so she took her, and Sara."

"I'm helping!" Seb pipes up, with his head inside another box as Robert shook his head.

"Well how about you help me and Daddy move these boxes and then we can go and get some tea?"

"Chips?"

"If you get your head out of that box and stop spreading stuff everywhere then maybe."

--------

The next few weeks are a flurry of plans, of Robert having daily brainwaves or panics about one thing or another, and his phone is constantly lighting up with WhatsApp messages, but finally it's the evening before and he thinks Robert has calmed down. He's at one final committee meeting leaving Aaron in charge of the kids tea.

"You alright mate?" Seb's pushing his pasta around the plate rather than eating.

"Where's Daddy?"

"He's at his meeting, you know sorting things for tomorrow. He won't be long."

"What's Pride?" He says after pushing a few more bits of pasta around. He supposes he shouldn't be surprised Seb's asking, it's all they've spoken about for the last month or so after all.

"Well in some places it's like a big parade and it's full of colour and everyone's happy. Emmerdale's a bit small for a parade though ain't it, so it's just going to be like a big party with music and face paints and food and all sorts of things."

"Oh."

"What's up mate?"

"Oscar, at school, he said havin' two Daddies is weird." Aaron's never head of this Oscar, and he has to remind himself it wasn't the kids fault that he obviously hadn't been taught properly.

"Do you think it's weird?"

"No. You and Daddy both play with my trucks and take me on the swings."

"Exactly, some boys and girls have a Mummy and Daddy, like Eve, some have two Mummies like Moses and Johnny, and some like you, Ana and Sara have two Daddies. But all of you have fun, and everyone loves you, so it's not weird. Oscar maybe just doesn't understand hey?"

"But I had Mummy too." Aaron let out a breath, it'd been a good while since he'd mentioned Rebecca, other than saying goodnight to her photo every night. He wished Robert was here, he was always better at dealing with it than him.

"Yeah, well, Moses has a Daddy too doesn't he? A family can be made up of whoever, and still be the same as everyone elses. Do you understand?"

"I think so. And pride is like a party?"

"Yeah, celebrating the fact that people like me and Daddy can be together and stuff."

"But...why?"

"Because years ago we wouldn't have been allowed to get married or be together and some people still think we shouldn't."

"That's silly."

"Yes it is. Really silly."

"Can we go see Daddy?" Aaron smiles, and nods, happy that Seb's satisfied with his answer.

It's a bit of a struggle, managing the three of them, but eventually he gets Seb to push Sara in her chair, while he carries Ana, and they're heading towards the village. Suddenly Seb stops, mouth open and Aaron stops fiddling with Ana's cardigan to see what's wrong.

"Wow." Main Street is literally awash with colour and Seb's eyes are as wide as Christmas. "Look Daddy!"

"I am mate. Cool huh?" He can see Robert in the distance, with Charles and he nudges Seb to carry on walking, smile growing wider as they gets closer to his husband, seeing how happy he is.

"Daddy! Everything's pretty!" Seb all but abandons the buggy to run the last few metres to Robert who immediately picks him up and sits him on his shoulders.

"What do you think young man?" Charles asks him and Seb giggles. He likes Charles, had crazed them to be allowed to go to the after school club he'd set up in the village.

"I like the colours! Daddy said that Pride is cos he and Daddy are allowed to get married. Is that right?"

"Something like that yes. Do you remember we talked about it last week at after school club?"

"When we coloured in?"

"That's right. All of your drawings are hanging up in the church so maybe you can show your Daddies tomorrow."

"OK!"

"Come on chatterbox, let Charles get home."

"He's fine. I'll leave you to it. It looks really good Robert, you've done a great job getting everyone organised, especially last minute."

They take a slow walk home once Robert's done one last check of everything. Aaron's just happy to wait, happy to watch him. It's been a strange couple of years since he came out of prison, ups and downs along the way and he knows Robert's struggled with village events sometimes, feeling as though people are watching him, judging him. Seeing him taking such a delight in organising everything hopefully means he finally feels properly back at home.

"You ready?" Finally finished he kisses Aaron, Seb resting against his shoulder, suddenly tired. "It does look ok, right?"

"Yeah. Proper proud of you I am."

--------

"She's sleeping again." Aaron clicks off the light and slips into bed beside him, not getting any response from his husband. "You ok?"

"Hmm? Yeah. It's just..."

"What?"

"Charles asked me if I'd say something tomorrow."

"Ok, and...you don't want to? I'm sure he'd understand."

"No I do but...I don't know what to say."

"Just say whatever comes to mind. You don't have to make a big speech, just welcome everyone. He wouldn't have asked you if he didn't think you could."

"I just...it has to be perfect."

"Robert, it already is. Look at what you've done, the village looks amazin', and tomorrow is going to be brilliant and that's down to you."

"People helped."

"Yeah, but they wouldn't without you geeing them up. It's all set up now...you get to enjoy yourself."

"Mmm, love you, you know. I'm glad I didn't go that time in London, I'm glad my first pride is with you."

"Soppy git."

--------

"Right, I'm ready." He's barely set a foot on the bottom stair when Robert stops him.

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"You are not wearing all black. I will suffer it the rest of the year, but not today."

"Why the hell not? Last I checked it was a free country and I can wear whatever I want."

"No Daddy. You has to wear colour! It's the rule." Aaron bends down to Seb who has his arms crossed, mimicking Robert.

"Oh is it? Well I heard that it's the rule to tickle little boys until they shouted me to stop!"

"No! Daddy, stop it! Daddy help me!"

"Seb's right." Aaron stops tickling his son to frown at his annoying husband. Robert's wearing a t-shirt with PRIDE emblazoned across the front in the colours of the bisexual flag and before he can ask what he considers colourful enough he's handing him a bag. "I got you this."

He glares at him a moment longer, pulling what looks like a t-shirt from the bag.

"I knew you wouldn't actually wear proper colour so I got it made up in black." The shirt has 'love wins' across the front made to look like rainbow paint splatters. "Will it do?"

"Fine." He sighs, but he's smiling.

"I, er, I also got these, for the kids." He hands him three more shirts each saying the same thing. "You like 'em?"

"Perfect. Right then, I'll get changed, you can sort them, and then finally we can go!"

Fifteen minutes they're off, Seb running ahead, while Aaron has Aaron on his shoulders, little hands clutching at his hair. Robert's behind them, stopping to adjust Sara's sunhat.

"Seb hang on mate." He stopped at the top of the drive until Robert catches him up.

"Oh my God."

Main Street was full of people, and Aaron couldn't wipe the smile from his face.

"Look what you did."

"Yeah." He sounds stunned.

In the crush, the lose each other after a little while, and it's not until he hears Charles announcing Robert's name that he knows where he is. Making his way to the stage that's been set up next to the church he stands to one side with Sara's pushchair, Ana still on his shoulders. He can see Seb at the side of the stage with Vic so he's happy to stay where he is.

"Um...I don't quite know what to say. When Charles talked about this, I don't think any of us expected quite so many people. Er, it took me a long time to accept who I was, that, um, that I'm bisexual, that it's ok...Fifteen years actually, and now I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world and we've got three kids, and I'm happy. It's been a hell of a journey but I'm truly happy. Anyway I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to not know, to take your time, to go at your own speed...so, have a wonderful day everyone!"

Aaron can barely hear himself think at the cheer, the whistle as Robert steps off the stage, picking Seb up and kissing him as he goes.

It takes a while but eventually they find each other and he sees that Seb had convinced his Daddy to let him get his face painted, cheeks perfectly matching his t-shirt that proclaims 'my daddies love me' with both a pride flag and bisexual flag.

"Was it ok?" Robert asks as Aaron moves Ana so she's standing with Seb, holding onto his hand.

"Did you hear them? It was perfect." He kisses him before hugging him tight. "Love you so much."

"Love you too."

"Daddy I'm hungry! Can we get a cookie from Ganma now?"

He laughs into Robert's neck as the moment's broken. It didn't matter, the whole day has been perfect from start to finish.

[everydayanth]

Academic Elitism: an institutional issue

Sorry for being so rant-y lately, but the elitism of university has been a problem for me from the exact moment I accepted my scholarship with a signature and a handshake in high school. (The scholarship was later revoked due to state up-fuckery, but that’s another story, and I was already in too deep by the time they told me).

My parent’s house was only an hour north, my younger sister had already claimed my room, but I was excited. I was in the furthest dorm building, because that’s where the scholarship kids went, it was like a poor kid diversity hall, every few doors was someone from a completely different background, but we were all poor except our Swedish RA, and there was an odd pride in that. We all had various scholarships: robotics, dance team, nerds like me, etc. (not the football or hockey athletes though, they had their own dorm next to the library for... reasons, lol).

But being the last hall, it wasn’t actually full, most of us had entire rooms to ourselves, often whole suites; our hall was co-ed, but rooms were only occupied at every-other, staggered down the corridor. Only the front two halls were used, the back two closed off for construction or codes or something. We had to hike up the hill for dining halls, which was fine until snowdays that shut the whole campus down (and I mean west Michigan ones, with 4+ feet of powder and ice underneath). I had an old computer my dad got me for graduation and I didn’t know it was old until my peers started calling it a dinosaur. I had to use the library computers to write and print papers, and most places I went, I ran into the other scholarship kids. We didn’t talk much, just a head bob here and there, awareness at our similarities and an annoyed spite at being thrown together this way. It was lonely for everyone.

I had a purple flip phone I’d gotten only that calendar year (2009) and was still learning to text with (abbreviations? instant messaging? what?). My roommate had come down from Alaska to live near her dad, we’d talked in the summer, but I never saw her. I moved my things in and her stuff was on her side, I texted her about going to turn in paperwork and when I came back, there was a note on my bed and all her things were gone, she couldn’t do it, had never been away from home for even a night. She left a few mismatched socks and a bag of junk pens that I resented for years. 

Social media was mostly a way to talk to people across campus and exchange homework and party times/locations. We posted over-edited photos of our food and still jogged with our mp3 players and ipods. But within two years, I had to trade in my computer three times and upgrade to a smartphone to keep up with the expectations of communication. Professors would cancel classes by emails an hour out, and if I was on campus, I simply didn’t get the message, running between classes with 19 credit hours and three jobs. Work would call in or cancel my appointments (tutoring) and I needed to be able to communicate at the rate of my peers, so though it wasn’t something we could easily afford, my parents let me get the smartphone and my dad helped me find computers that could keep up with writing papers and researching without having to go to the lab, which saved so much time. 

There was little understanding for my suffering. I didn’t have a car, I had to call my parents and organize a time to get home or take the train which was more expensive than waiting around on an empty campus. They were often things that even the wealthiest students had to deal with, but there were so much more of them for us, more stress, more problems, more solutions, more consequences, and in some ways, more determination.

I spent plenty of breaks holed up in my room, but when the swine flu/H1N1 outbreak happened, guess where they quarantined students?

In our hall. 

Not the back one that was closed. In the room attached to my suite. 

After half a semester alone, suddenly strangers shared my bathroom. I never saw them, I would just hear the formidable click of the bathroom lock followed by the shower. A week later I got a blue half-sheet note in my mailbox about quarantines. The other kids were as pissed off, as we watched kids escorted in with blue masks and were told to just get cleaning wipes from the front desk –they ran out in a week. 

We were the recyclable students, brought in to trade scholarships for university grade averages. Many of my friends were struggling with scholarship qualifications and gpas (which only encouraged my continual obsessive perfectionism and involvement). 

We were expendable. 

I didn’t understand the elitism then, or I did, but I’d twisted it in my head from years tossed between private and public schools. I was an invader, I wasn’t supposed to be there, but I wanted to be. I understood that I didn’t deserve it, that I had to work harder to stay. I completed Master’s coursework for my Bachelor’s degree, finishing two BA programs (anthropology and English: creative writing) and 2 minor programs in philosophy and world lit, lead several campus groups and volunteered with honor’s societies. I spent hours on campus every day, running home just to go to one job or the other. I slept about four hours a night and I still romanticize it because I loved it. And I was good at it. It was a closed system, easy to infiltrate, easy to watch and observe and follow, to feel protected from the world, but there were always ways that I came up short. 

I didn’t have leggings or Northface fleeces or Ugg boots or name brand anything (except a pair of converse I got in 8th grade from my Babcia). I had old high school sweats and soccer shirts, hand-me-down clothes from sisters and cousins that mix-matched a style I thought was unique but I now understand screamed I don’t really belong here. Example: I went to propose an independent study to a professor I really admired and I panicked about what to wear. I still cringe at the memory, gahhhhhh, but I pulled on what I thought was a decent dress because it had no rips or stains or tears and though I’d picked it up from a clearance rack, it was the newest thing and therefore the best. But in retrospect, it was definitely a “party” dress, I grabbed a sweater, hoop earrings that had always been beautiful in my neighborhood, and heels I never wore otherwise, and presented my idea. This old professor was just like “um...did you dress up for me?” Clearly spooked by red flags and I realized my mistake. Saved by quick thinking I clarified “no, I have a presentation later,” and being a familiar face in the social sciences department, I let him assume I was dressed up as something. I just went in my sweats and t-shirts after that, got a haircut that tamed the wavy frizz and learned the importance of muted tones, cardigans, and flats.

I made a lot of interesting friends in the process, people who also stuck out from the American Academic culture: exchange students, older (non-traditional) students, rebels, and other poor kids. But that also meant that we all evolved during our time there, so friendship was quick and fleeting as we adapted or dropped out or remained oblivious, lost in our studies and dreams of changing the world or our lives. 

I had no idea how to approach the dining halls because I could only afford the bronze plan that was included with my room+board scholarship. I could enter the hall ten times per week, with four included passes to the after-hours carry-out (this was an upgrade from the free high school lunch I was coming from). I met other kids on this plan and their dorm rooms had fridges and microwaves and shelves of ramen and mac’n’cheese. Mine was sparse, my fridge had jugs of water from the filtered tap in the common room, and though it had a shared kitchenette, it always smelled bad or was being used and the nearest grocery store was Meijers which was a 15-20 minute drive from campus. I used so much energy dividing up my meals and figuring out how to sneak food from the hall for later or just learn to not eat, which is another story involving malnutrition, broken bones, and the American Healthcare System.

We like to summarize the college experience with fond struggles. I went back to my old high school to watch my younger sisters’ marching band competition that first year (it’s MI, and they were good). My old art teacher (not much older than we were but she felt so much older at the time, also her maiden name was Erickson and so was her fiance’s so she didn’t “change” her name and that blows my mind to this day), anyway, she stopped me to ask how school was going, and I was not prepared to be recognized in anyway and stammered out something like “oh, yeah, stressful. Fun, cool, yeah,” like the eloquent well-educated student I was. And she said, “oh, I loved it, don’t you love it? Everything’s so charming, and being poor? Oh man, it’s hard for a while, but it’s so good to go through.” 

I was dumbfounded at her reference to poverty as a thing to go through when you’re a student. I again had to remember that I was infiltrating places where people weren’t just marginally more well-off than I was, but far beyond, in a place where they couldn’t comprehend an alternative, couldn’t conceive of surviving poverty, of not having a reliable place to fall if you mess up, parents who couldn’t support you if things went wrong, who couldn’t save you from having to drop out if scholarships were canceled because the money just wasn’t there.

Talking with my parents never worked, and I recently found this video by The Financial Diet about Boomer shame in being poor, where many Millennials were united by it and it was #relatable. But all this is to say that there are so many layers and ways we develop in higher education that are often overlooked by the romantic nostalgia of the elite expectation. What we demand from education vs. what it offers us in return is rarely equal for students coming from poverty, and it starts with that first sacrifice of looking at money and deciding it has to be worth it to do something bigger, and that education is a necessary piece of that goal.

Now I live near Brown University, I’ve been to Harvard when we lived in Boston and recently took a trip to Yale with bold expectations. I am friends with several people who work at these places and I hear the same things: so many students are in a place where their obsessions are considered more important than the larger world, an argument that Shakespeare is a woman is more important to prove than the greater issues of sexism in society as a whole, while others are trained to look at data and the world as a pocketable fact-book, going to conferences and  week-long summits and then off to D.C. to make important decisions about places they’ve never been to, for people they’ve never met, about problems they’ve never experienced.  

It’s not new. It’s not romantic. It’s not nostalgic. It’s just sick. 

I was horrified at New Haven. I have read so many social science reports and papers and experiments and academic bullshit that has come from professors at Yale with a big badge of ivy-league validation. So much of this research was focused on homelessness and culture clash and socio-economics in America, as that was my “dissertation” that got me discounted master’s classes for my BA in Anthropology. Anyway, my point was that I thought this noble, proud university that put out so much research was going to be situated in something of a utopia, where their research is put into practice. Obviously, I was wrong, but I didn’t expect how wrong. (I had also started reading Leigh Bardugo’s Ninth House, so... there’s another thing).

My observations were validated by employees of ivy-league schools, who have watched over the past 2 decades as they grow more and more reclusive, hiding away from the public except through a few, probably well-intentioned, outstretched hands that do little to contribute to the world outside the university itself. These ivory towers are built by poaching: environments, observations, resources, research, and yeah, even students.

I love academia. I will sit in a library for hours just pulling down tomes (and putting them back in their proper locations like a dork) and drawing connections just for fun. But right now, I’m a bit bitter and spiteful and angry. 

When something like Coronavirus sneaks up on us, we have a tendency to throw the most expendable people under the bus as quickly as we can, and all I can think about is my shadow of a suite-mate sneezing and coughing with swine flu for two weeks, at how I refused to use my own bathroom and listened to my hall-mates’ advice about showering at the rec center a mile away as we all collectively locked our bathroom doors and were left there by the university to get sick without insurance to help with any foreseeable costs.

It’s not the same now, they’ve rebuilt the entire section of the campus, it’s odd to see it, I wonder where they put the expendable kids. Or maybe they don’t accept them anymore. I’ve worked in college admissions since then, and it is a scary industry of politics and preference and hidden quotas and image-agendas. Not all schools are industry monsters, but when you’re expendable, they sure do feel like it, whether you graduate summa cum laude with two degrees, six awards, and five tasseled ropes around your neck or not. 

I wish I had a positive message. I wish I was in a place to help people who feel expendable or like they can’t keep up with communications because of technology or language or network or environment. But I don’t have much right now. For all its posturing and linear progression, academia needs to create profit. All I can do is yell about this existing.

If you are feeling expandable in university, I can tell you you’re not alone. I can let you rant about all the small ways your peers don’t get it, whether its an accent they shit on or ceremonies you don’t have the right clothes for or textbooks you share with a friend to cut costs but then they hoard them. I can relate to you about guilt and that sneaking panic that fills you with anxiety at night as you question yourself and wonder if it’s worth it at all, if it’s necessary, if it’s okay to be expendable to follow something that feels bigger. I can validate your doubt and tell you that you’re not actually expendable, you’re a bridge. 

I’m sorry it still works like this. I wish we figured out how to change it by now, I wish I had secret shortcuts to tell you about, that there was more accountability or hope, but I’m not seeing it lately. I hope you do. <3

[ilikelookingatthings]

Miraculous ladybug and the love square part 1

there are alot of thoughts about the love square.

I’ve got some mixed feelings about Marinette and everyone in the show pushing for it. especially in the movie.

On one hand I love mari to bits. she’s stubborn, has a temper and can be a little petty and can have ulterior motives that aren’t always the most pure(usually involving adrien). can sometimes be a bit insensitive and not completely think through how others might feel in response to her actions, but thats usually when she is understandable distracted thinking about justice or her own emotions or over whelmed or distracted by something. and when she does realize maybe somethings gone wrong she always tries to fix it.

her feelings for adrien comes from the right place. being impressed that he was wiling to be vulnerable to someone who shouted and accused him and refused to listen to him even though he was actually trying to help. that he was willing to talk to mari and be vulnerable and admit he was new to everything. and then offer a umbrella to mari, who had judged him because of his friend, and risked getting wet himself. and he understood that her judging him due to chloe was justified with her history with chloe.

she wants him to be happy. she is very emotionally invested and observant and cares about his feelings. even helping him with another girl despite her own crush. she went up against his dad and convinced Gabe to let Adrien come. and even if most of her gifts she doesn't actually give to him she does make him gifts and macaroons. and she’s gotten better at not acting on her jealous and trying to separate Adrien from other girls now.

and mari always helps her friends and gos above and beyond. and mari is super talented in gaming, designing, dancing, baking, fencing reflexes, being a leader ect.

but on the other side while she means well and feels deeply...she doesn't exactly handle her crush on Adrien in a healthy way. Like alot of teenagers she laments the friendzone not realizing that friendship is the base of heathy relationships. she struggles to have normal conversations with adrien or staying near him for long periods of time enjoying his company without something else to focus on. We know she means well but some of the stuff she does can be a bit creepy. 

like when she broke into his room to deliver a gift and sniffed his pillow. or wanting to keep a hair. the schedule that she memorized is a bit weird but useful since he does have a full time table they need to know when they can hang out. and she is class rep. its not completely unreasonable that she could have it. but her forging a no parking sign with the plan to separate adrien from his driver. knowing adrien keeps his phone in the car so he couldn’t call to check on the gorilla and wanting to concidentally go on a date without asking him out. or that she has followed him on multiple occasion. that time she ditche the girls to try to sneak into the boys only party(which was rude of them to hold without the girls when they were suppoused to work...but the girls have their girls only meetings as well). breakig into his locker to steal his phone to delete the message instead of just asking adrien to not listen to the message and to delete it. she as ladybug has seperated adrien from girls before. like kagami and chloe and even lila(though lila we found out was a double red flag so kudos trying to drive lila away). 

she almost doomed paris and herself by trying to give up her miraculous for a illusion of adrien instead of looking for a different way to save him. she attacked a innocentsanta that adrien told her wasn’t a akuma which caused a akuma when she got ahead of herself. and she lets adrien influence her too much. Sometimes that can be good. Mari can be a quick to judge bean sometimes and adrien and chat has helped her realize there can be other routes and that people even like chloe aren’t pure evil. 

but he can have too much influence on her. he thinks Mari is honest with him and would tell him if she disagreed with him because she doesn’t hesitate in any other aspect whensaying her opinion. but WE know she wants him to like her. so she fully commited to being class president after adrien said he though she’d make a good one to put the finish touchon alya encouraging class pres marinette. Mari joined the gaming tournament not because she wanted to join the tournament but because she wanted to trian with adrien in the same room to the point mari over looked alya pointing out that max was actually invested in the tournament and had rained for months so of course he’s be hurt and would be more invested. Mari changed her stance on chloe even when she probably coul have gotten adrien to understand her and the clases perspective since chloe sucked around them. but instead mari leaned into adrien was right.

She joined the fencing because of adrien as well. went to chlloe’s I’m trying to be nice party even though she had been determinded not to go because adrien would be there. and even though adrien toldmari to talk to him if lila was still a issue, mari instead focused on adrien telling mari they should try to give lila a chance and never told him about lila threatened her or about lila stealings his book. stuff to show lila wasnt just someone looking for attention.

Mari focused on following adrien’s advice instead of telling him more of her view about lila. or consdering adrin’s asvice was more about mari’s jump on every lie tactic was making lila stronger.

 and mari didn’t like kagami for a while due to adrien and kagami hanging out together often. and mari even used adrien being stolen by kagami to japan as a excuse to tam up with chloe to mess with kagami. 

and mari has even put down others like the class to raise adrien up like when she said out of the class adrien is the least likly to steal a braclet...accidentally implying everyone else was more likly than adrien. how how sometimes she puts chat down a little to bring adrin up at times in the show.

and mari even helped adrien with kagami even though she did not want to because adrien asked. adrien would hate to make her do something she is uncomfortable with but mari went along with it. and while it was cute with the scarf situation to want adrien to be happy even if you don’t take credit. mari puts herself down when she compares herself to adrien.

Adrien praises her all the time and boosts her up and helps when he can and has expressed how important mari is to him(even if its not romantically like she wants). but mari who is normally pretty confident in herself in the show in her designs and plans and talents that she can standup to people tends to put herself down when it comes to adrien. and tends to put her feelings beneath what she things adrien wants even though we know adrien would want her to be happy to and wouldn’t want to unknowingly hurt her. like in the wax museum situation.

like mari pushed kagami and adrien together with the icecream even though it was clearly not nessacary. Kagami told her she didn’t believe in the romance fate of the icecream for one and both Adrien and kagami just waned to hang out all three of them for a little longer. its why they wanted mari to choose the icecream flavors as thanks. MARI decided to make it a romance moment instead of a friendship moment. and decided to put adrien and kagami together out of her own insecurity that if mari compete’d honestly with kagami and was honest about her feelings...that mari would be rejected.

even though Kagami told Mari that while Kagami didn’t want to give up on Adrien just because Mari liked him, that Kagami also didn’t expect Mari to give up because Kagami liked him. Kagami saw both of their feelings valuable and valid and that its better to be honest and try with no regrets ad still be friends. Kagami eve encouraged Mari to not hesitate and we know Adrien does have a strong soft spot for Mari.

and mari has used adrie to worry about designs that won a contest and that she had been confident in. or that Adrien might hate her over something silly.

Mari does alot for adrien like helped him with parazzi in her pajamas and helped him with a date as well as convincing his dad to let hi come to newyork. and we know about the scarf, the hat on christmas, all those birthday gifts she hasn’t given him and fresh macaroons she hasn’t given him. And we know adrien does have a sweet spot for her so I want them to just be together already. but Mari doesn’t really acknowledge Adrien isn’t perfect. she’s gotten to know him better and they are good friends now. but we also know Adrien considered them good friends even in season one when she could barely talk to him. But she doesn’t really get to see Adrien negative sides. like him being angry, or lashing out or how he can be petty at times or his reckless sides. She even tried to get him to be Aspik and more importantly play guitar when it was clear adrien was a piano guy and luka was the better choice. adrien had to tell her that.

I want mari to be happy but girl can’t really relax around adrien all that much which can be frustrating at times. Mari deserves good things.

[a-tale-of-two-comics]

Just wondering when I can read part 7 of I can't save her?👉👈😗

Hey love! I don’t know why @supportTumblr hasn’t responded to my message yet about re-instating the post. They apparently flagged a gif, that they deemed offensive... even though the people had clothes on :| anyways, in the mean time -- here is the chapter while we wait for them to hopefully respond to them:

I Can’t Save Her: Part 7

The following weeks began to fall into a routine. Bucky and Steve were mainly gone on missions. No one would talk about what they were actually doing, and they didn’t seem overly willing to give any information to the group. Bucky was particularly mercurial which wasn’t anything new – usually I would confront him about it and snap him out of it, but I felt like his kiss and subsequent behavior put me at a disadvantage, and I spent most of my time actively trying to avoid being alone with him. I was exasperated and more than ever I felt completely alone. What made the situation even worse was the fact that Steve wouldn’t look me in the eyes which told me more than I ever needed to know.

One night I awoke screaming out, drenched in sweat, and trembling. “Ms. Y/N is there a way I can assist you?” F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice permeated the darkness in my room. Tony had programmed F.R.I.D.A.Y. to respond to any type of distress – he said it was for the safety of the team in case a situation ever happened, but I knew it was really his way of looking out for me. In many ways we were alike – we struggled silently with our demons.

“Just find me something that will comfort me, please,” I responded to the bodiless voice.

“Waking Sargent Barnes,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. responded. Before I could protest I could already hear Bucky walking down the hallway and opening my door.

“Y/N?” he asked hesitantly as my bed shifted under his weight.

“I’m afraid F.R.I.D.A.Y takes my sarcasm seriously,” I replied meekly as I peeked at him through my eyelashes. “I’m okay… you should go back to bed.” It was quite apparent that I was not okay, but I still put on my best stubborn front.

“No,” he replied softly as he moved the covers to slide under them. I could immediately feel his warmth around me and it silenced my protests. My iciness towards him melted as he wrapped his arms around me. It was like being home when we had these moments, but now part of me tried to actively resist the comfort he provided. My subconscious was trying its damnedest to keep me from suffering further. I looked at him and realized I hadn’t noticed how tired and strained his face had looked since we had last spent time together. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked through my hair.

I gritted my teeth. “No,” I replied stubbornly.

He snorted into my ear. “Why do you have to be so stubborn?” At this my anger peaked and I managed to squirm out of his embrace.

“Me? Stubborn?... You kissed me, and then you disappeared on me. Why…why would you do that? If you thought it was a mistake… you should have just told me. Don’t throw away the friendship we have. I know you’ve talked to Steve about something… he won’t even look at me. Now I have Tony taking time to program F.R.I.D.A.Y. to take care of me…” I broke off with an angry huff.

Bucky paused and looked at me earnestly, “I’m sorry… I..” he stopped. He looked pained— like he was torn between wanting to tell me the truth and wanting to stay away.

“What is it that you’re not telling me?” I asked trying to keep my voice even.

He looked away from me and began running his hands through his hair. “I was so fucking terrified Y/N.”

“Terrified of what?” I asked impatiently.

“Of losing you,” he said pinning me under his gaze. His eyes showed so many emotions. Pain, urgency, sadness, and a desire to say all the things he had held back from me. “I’ve lost everything in my life that ever mattered. HYDRA took away my life, my choices, and everyone I ever cared about. My parents died thinking that their son died a war hero… when I was turned into a monster.... And then Steve found me and brought me back from the edge. He brought me here against my better judgment and I thought to myself that maybe this wouldn’t work…. maybe I’m always going to be a monster, and then you show up and you’re so perfectly imperfect… and you see me not as a monster… not as what I am capable of… not as a machine or a weapon. You see me. Just me.” He paused as I stared at him dumbfounded. “I knew you were mad at me the night that you got back from the party with Tony…. That’s why I tried to take care of you from a distance…” he broke off.

“That was you?” my voice came out more like a whisper. I was still processing all the things he had just confessed to me. The suddenness of his honesty made me feel dizzy. “The mission?” I asked. My thoughts were in fragments and I was finding it increasingly difficult to form words.

He diverted his eyes from me and his whole body tensed. “I can’t tell you doll. I’m sorry. I truly am. But it’s for your own good that you don’t know...” he trailed off.

“You get that I don’t need you to protect me from the world, right Buck?” Even as I was saying it I realized it was much harsher than I meant for it to be.

Bucky flinched at my words but found his resolve and looked up at me. “I am perfectly aware that you can take care of yourself. It doesn’t mean you should have to all the time,” he said through his teeth. I could tell his emotions were teetering on the edge of anger. “Some battles aren’t yours to face, Y/N. You’re too busy carrying everyone else’s burdens to even have a second of joy. And more than anything I want to give you joy. For the first time since I fell off that train… since HYDRA…  you’ve given it to me,” he continued with such urgency and emotion that I was afraid his metal hand would crush the headboard it was now clenching. He paused for a moment and finally whispered, “I care about you, and it scares me. It scares me for you because everything good that I touch turns to shit.”

“It was about you…” I responded quietly – looking at my upturned palms. Bucky looked at me – shocked out of his thoughtful monologue.

“What?” he said puzzled at first and then realization spread across his face.

“I dreamt that we were happy and you walked away from me… or you were ripped away… The dream varies each time I have it,” the words were bitter on my tongue. This particular nightmare had been playing on loop for days. Every night I had him ripped from me by unknown forces that I couldn’t control or fight. It was my own personal hell. It insured that I always woke up with a broken heart. “And it was like my heart had been ripped from my body…” I paused, looking up at him. My words came out as a small whisper, “I know you think you need me James, but what you don’t know is how much I need you. I know I have the others… but without you I don’t feel like I belong here. You were there when the others weren’t. You’re the only one that knows the things I love. You’re the only one that knows the things I fear, or how my past still haunts me.”

He was hesitant. It was one of the few times I had seen actual fear on his face. My fingers ached to touch him as I relaxed back into his embrace. His hold on me tightened at I traced his jaw with my finger lightly. This time it was my turn to take him by surprise. I couldn’t hold myself back – not after we had both laid our truths bare in front of the other. His answering kiss was reluctant at first – he was trying so desperately to hold himself back – to grasp his last shred of self-control. Slowly his resolve melted as I twisted my fingers in his hair and pulled him closer. His hands travelled down my body erupting every nerve as they went.  Suddenly his self-control snapped back into place and he broke away from the kiss – leaving us both breathless. He grinned at me shyly and pulled back slightly with an admiring look on his face. “So do you forgive me?” he asked – the humor fading from his face.

“You have to promise me something first,” I said.

“What would that be, doll?” he asked with a spark of triumph in his eyes. His revelation to me seemed to have lifted an invisible burden from him.

“You promise me, James Buchanan Barnes, that we’ll always be honest to each other. The only way you will ever lose me is if you push me away.”

His face lit up into a dazzling smile – the kind that made the corners of his eyes crinkle. “I think that’s certainly a promise I can keep. Will you promise me something in return?” he asked hesitantly.

“Of course.”

“Promise me you’ll be patient with me. Promise me you won’t leave,” his voice was sweet – like a child making his parents pinky swear there wasn’t a monster under his bed.

“I promise,” I replied and kissed him softly.

“Now… speaking of patience… let’s maybe just use this bed for sleep tonight,” he sighed as he snuggled closer to me.

“Whatever you say James.” I snuggled into his arms sleepily as he sighed with contentment. I felt a cautious happiness rise inside of me. I knew I was treading on dangerous ground, but for the time being we were both happy and I had him back. I wasn’t about to throw myself into worrying about the future – not yet at least. I yawned and slowly drifted back to sleep.

God I wish I had worried about the future.

[thanksfornothinguselessreptile]

A Shifting World Chapter 5: Familiar Faces in Unfamiliar Places

First Chapter

<–Previous

Work Summary: Things have been going great since Hiccup and Toothless have defeated the Red Death. He has his father’s approval, a group of friends his own age, and is leading the integration of dragons and the Vikings of Berk. When neighboring tribes call together a meeting to discuss rumors of Vikings riding dragons, however, Stoick decides to keep their alliance with dragons under wraps. Hiccup must decide whether he should listen to his father or seek to teach the other Vikings of the archipelago the truths about dragons.

AO3

Rating: T

Characters: Hiccup, Toothless, Astrid, Stoick, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, Tuffnut, Snotlout

Pairings: Minor Hiccup x Astrid

Chapter Summary: Shortly after leaving Berk, the ship runs into unexpected friends who come bearing news that both Stoick and Hiccup are interested to hear.

Chapter Warnings: Death and Murder mentions, insect mention, food mention 

It was hardly two hours after setting sail from Berk when they came across another ship. According to the sail, it was one of theirs, and it was heading straight toward them.

“They’re flagging us down,” Fishlegs said as he lowered the spyglass from his eye. He was on watch duty at the moment.

“Who’s on it?” Stoick walked up from the stern of the ship, already scanning the horizon Fishlegs was facing.

Fishlegs fumbled to raise the glass again and squinted toward the shape just barely visible on the horizon. “Uh, looks like Agnar. And I think I see Starkard?” He shrugged.

“You probably did.” Stoick turned to Phlegma, who was at the rudder. “Take us to port.”

The deck was suddenly a flurry of activity as the older, more experienced Vikings were pulling at ropes and adjusting the sail. Hiccup did his very best to stay far out of their way. Despite the fact that this ship was longer than the standard ones, he soon found out that by stepping out of one sailor’s path, he stumbled into at least three others’.

He soon found himself cornered over near Fishlegs. He didn’t seem to notice Hiccup, instead alternating between looking at the ship with and without the spyglass.

“Hey, Fishlegs,” he said, since they were likely going to be hanging out in the corner of the ship for a while. “What’s up?”

Fishlegs shrugged. “Nothing much. Oh, wait!” His eyes flashed open with sudden excitement as something in the air caught his attention. “There’s that Zippleback again!”

Hiccup followed his gaze up, just in time to see a dragon tail slip into a giant cloud over the ship. Hiccup was surprised that Fishlegs had been able to identify a dragon so fast when the distance had made it seem smaller than an ant.

“A Zippleback?” It was kind of weird to see them fly so high, though not unheard of; they were much more likely to skim treetops or the houses of Berk than go flying through clouds, even those as low as these ones seemed to be. If they flew so high, it was often because their rider wished to.

A thought struck him.

“Are you sure this one doesn’t have riders?” He kept his voice low, hoping that Fishlegs would get the hint from how quietly he whispered.

Fishlegs frowned. “I don’t think so, but it is kind of far away to tell.” He swallowed, his gaze flitting over to a sea stack in the distance. “You think the twins are following us?”

Despite how quietly Fishlegs had asked, Hiccup still found himself checking to make sure that no one had heard him. The Vikings were all bustling with their tasks, and no one had stopped with a panicked look on their face, so he was pretty sure their commotion had covered up their conversation.

“Sorry,” Fishlegs whispered as he held a hand over his mouth.

Hiccup shook his head. “Nah, I think we’re good.” He glanced around again. While the activity was winding down as they changed course, the deck tilting under their feet, everyone still seemed distracted with the approaching ship. “But are you sure the Zippleback you’re seeing isn’t Barf and Belch?”

Fishlegs tilted his head, and shrugged.

“I don’t know.” He scratched at his head self-consciously, but stopped when that nearly pushed his helmet into the sea. “The lighting isn’t good enough to get a good look at its colors, and they fly too far up to get a good look at any identifiers, or tell if they have riders.” He started to fiddle with his fingers. “What do we do if they are?”

Hiccup thought. “I’m not sure if we can do anything.” If they told Stoick, he could do nothing; they’d left all their dragons at Berk, so they couldn’t fly up to check, or tell Ruffnut and Tuffnut to leave. They could always try signaling them down, or to go back. However, if the twins could even see the signal, they definitely would ignore it. Barf and Belch might be able to see it, since dragons had better eyesight. The thing was that as Hiccup had learned Dragonese, he also grew to understand that the Zippleback was uncannily similar to their riders. Even if they saw the signal Ruffnut and Tuffnut might miss, they’d ignore it too.

“Oh, Thor.” Fishlegs clutched at his helmet.

Hiccup placed a hand on Fishlegs’s shoulder to get his attention. “Take it easy, it might not be them.” There was no proof that it was, at the moment. “If you see them again, try and get a good look. Hey, who knows?” Hiccup shrugged and hoped he gave Fishlegs an encouraging smile rather than a tense grimace. “Maybe they’re just a dragon considering moving to Berk.” It hadn’t been the first time a dragon had hung back and observed Hooligans before approaching them. There was still suspicion about humans’ intentions among the unaffiliated dragons. Hiccup couldn’t blame them.

Fishlegs nodded, his breathing becoming less rapid as the idea sank in. “Yeah. Yeah, that could be.”

“So until we’re confident that it’s them, don’t panic.” No need to make a big deal out of something that might not be an issue.

Fishlegs nodded, seemingly more calm, and then glanced at where Stoick stood at the bow of the ship. “Should we tell the Chief?”

Hiccup considered. If Stoick should find out that they suspected that Tuffnut, Ruffnut, Barf, and Belch were secretly following them and kept quiet, he would probably burst into flames. But then again, this could also be a false alarm, and if they went to him with it anyways at best could give Stoick more to worry about than he already had.

And on top of that, he could assume that the twins and their dragon had followed and assign them punishments when they came back. And if they learned that it was Fishlegs’s and Hiccup’s fault…

It would tear a rift in their friendship, as well as the others’ friendships.

“We should keep quiet until we’re sure it’s Ruffnut and Tuffnut,” Hiccup said. “There’s no need to upset Dad if we’re not sure if this is Barf and Belch you’re seeing.”

Fishlegs nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Anything else Hiccup might have had to add was cut off by them pulling up to the fishing ship.

“Chief! I’m glad we caught you!” Starkard waved at Stoick as the sailors aboard the two ships began to lash their boats together so that they wouldn’t damage each other while being close enough to communicate.

“You certainly cut it close.” Stoick helped tighten a knot Snotlout was struggling with. “What’s going on? I thought you’d be in the Summer Current.”

“Aye, Chief, we were.” Starkard stroked his beard. “But the storm the other day swept us off course.”

“All the way to Serpent’s Heart,” Agnar added from over Starkard’s shoulder.

“But that isn’t what we were wanting to tell you.” Starkard’s face grew somber. “After the storm passed, we were lost for some time trying to get back to the current. And we stumbled across the wreckage of a ship.”

Stoick frowned. “What tribe?”

Hiccup internally groaned. From what he gathered, tensions between the tribes were usually high. Certainly the rumors of Vikings riding dragons wouldn’t help. But if Berk came to the Thing bearing news of a wrecked ship, even if the other tribes believed that they had nothing to do with it that would hardly start the meeting off on the right foot.

And Hiccup needed all the other tribes to be as open as possible to introduce the concept of a world where they didn’t need to kill dragons.

Starkard shrugged. “Couldn’t tell you. The sail had already sunk.”

“Then let us hope that it was a merchant, or Outcast, or some other unaffiliated group.” Phlegma’s voice was blunt, but not dismissive or rude.

“What sank it?” Spitelout asked.

Starkard and Agnar glanced at each other, and then their gazes caught on Hiccup, their eyes filled with pity.

“A dragon,” Starkard said.

Hiccup felt like the time around him and him alone had frozen, because while everyone else reacted, he didn’t even feel his next heartbeat.

“We’re not completely certain,” Starkard added, though he didn’t sound completely sold on that fact. “But there were a lot of claw marks on the wood left floating.”

“Everywhere you could leave a claw mark, if you were a dragon.” Agnar adjusted the rim of his helmet. “No fire, though.”

Hiccup finally forced himself out of his shock to meet Fishlegs’s gaze. His friend looked as shocked as he was.

“Tidal Class, most likely,” Fishlegs whispered, although he didn’t really need to; given the environment and the lack of fire, that was the most likely kind of dragon a ship could encounter.

“But why would a dragon attack a ship?” Hiccup internally winced as the entire Berk Council turned to face him, along with his father himself. “The Red Death is gone, and we haven’t seen signs of any other dragon stepping into her role.”

Stoick nodded, and Hiccup felt less tense as he turned back to Starkard. “Are there any signs that a dragon destroyed the ship and didn’t just come across the wreckage?”

Starkard shrugged. “It’s hard to say. But it’s the strangest thing, Chief.” He scratched at his beard. “There were claw marks everywhere you looked on the wreckage, but I don’t think that’s what broke the ship. It’s like the ship…” He shrugged. “Just fell apart.”

Hiccup glanced at Fishlegs, who had scrunched his face up in thought. If anyone could put together the clues, it was him.

“A Tidal Class dragon, makes ships shake apart…” Fishlegs closed his eyes as he muttered. He shrugged. “Could be a Thunderdrum, or a Mudraker.”

Stoick nodded. “Well, keep your eyes out, then, and steer clear of any dragons you don’t recognize as friendly to Berk.” He stroked his beard. “Perhaps it’d be best if you made your way back to port. We have enough fish to last us a while, and I don’t wish to risk people and ships without good reason.”

“Aye, Chief, we’ll set sail back to Berk with what we have now.” Agnar seemed rather relieved as the rest of the crew rushed to make their preparations.

As everyone began to cut the two ships loose and set on their respective journeys, someone tapped Hiccup’s shoulder. He turned to face Astrid, her face serious.

“Oh, hey, Astrid.” Hiccup gave her a small wave and tried to will away the prickling in his cheeks that hinted at a blush.

Astrid brushed her bangs to the side, trying and failing to tuck them behind her ear. “So, a dragon attacking ships, huh?” She looked neutral, but Hiccup could hear the concern in her voice.

Hiccup shrugged. “We don’t know for sure that this is a dragon.” The dragon could’ve just stumbled on its wreckage and poked around out of curiosity, after all. Not many dragons could sheathe their claws. A wobbly piece of wood would require them to hold themself steady on it, anyways.

Fishlegs raised a hand. “But if it is, it’s probably a Thunderdrum or Mudraker.”

Astrid tilted her head. “So, any reason why either of those would attack a ship without being threatened?”

Hiccup thought through what he knew about them, and beside him he saw Fishlegs’s face shift into an expression of thoughtfulness as he did the same.

“Barring a Red Death kind of situation,” Fishlegs began, his normal stammer and nervous tone faded into contemplation, “perhaps it doesn’t trust humans after years of being at war with them. Or perhaps it’s still under pressure from other tribes.” He shrugged. “Maybe there’s competition between it and Vikings for fish and there’s some kind of shortage, leading it to defend its territory. Kind of hard to tell without witnessing the attack ourselves.”

“Well, we have to hope that this was a rare event.” Hiccup didn’t like the idea of Vikings and humans fighting, for any reason. And if anything should happen, the Vikings would defend themselves, no matter what Hiccup said. And if the dragon didn’t understand Norse and Hiccup couldn’t speak Dragonese, communication would be impossible.

Especially when a bunch of angry Vikings were sticking swords and axes into its side if he tried to ask why it was attacking ships.

“And pray it really doesn’t have fire.” Astrid’s voice was grim; she likely knew that if their ship caught fire far from land and grew uncontrollable, they’d be in a lot of trouble without their dragons. Even if the twins really were following them, one Zippleback couldn’t really do much to stop a fire or airlift so many people to safety.

“Hiccup, if that dragon attacked, do you think you’d be able to find out why and stop it?” Astrid asked this with the air of a commander making a plan.

Hiccup shrugged. “Perhaps, if it understands Norse. If it doesn’t, and the usual tricks won’t work on it…”

The expressions on Astrid’s and Fishlegs’s faces let them know they received the implication loud and clear.

“Then we’ll have to hope that we don’t run into it.” Astrid shook her head.

Fishlegs paled. “But what happens if we do?”

Astrid and Fishlegs both turned to him, hopeful looks in their eyes. 

Hiccup tried to sound as confident as he could as he racked his brain for something that wouldn’t go horribly wrong. “We can’t let the others kill it, but we can’t just let it sink us.” The other option? “We have to restrain it until we figure out how to stop it from attacking ships.”

“Restrain?” Fishlegs’s voice went a little wobbly. “How are we going to do that? Mudrakers are, like, a solid six on the height scale.”

“Meaning?” Astrid prompted.

Fishlegs tried to measure himself by placing his hand next to the top of his head. “About twice as tall as I am? Maybe taller. And Thunderdrums? They’re about as big as Monstrous Nightmares, maybe larger, and travel in groups!”

Hiccup nodded as he tried to bring this all in. “So what you’re saying is that they probably won’t be able to fit on the deck.”

“And if you keep them in the water, they’ll likely be able to capsize the ship.” Astrid’s eyes were fixed on nothing, flickering from side to side. Her gaze refocused and she looked between Hiccup and Fishlegs. “So we’re going to have to hope we miss it, and come back and investigate with our dragons later and hope it’s still around to help.”

That night, Hiccup couldn’t sleep. He’d already been trying to come up with a plan to convince the other tribes that they didn’t have to kill dragons. While Astrid had her doubts, Hiccup suspected that singling out the most peaceable of the Peaceables for a personal demonstration was their best bet. Now on top of that, he was also trying to come up with a plan if they were unlucky enough to run into this dragon apparently attacking ships.

For a while, he tried counting stars. Usually on nights he couldn’t sleep, he’d sit under the skylight in his room and watch them flicker as they traveled the paths the gods had set for them.

But tonight even their distant glimmers couldn’t soothe the mess in his head. He tugged his head under the blanket, shielding his face from the cold wind blowing over the deck, and tried to pretend the deep breaths came from Toothless and not the other sleeping Vikings, that the gentle rocking was just his imagination.

However, the air underneath the cloth quickly grew too stale. Within moments, Hiccup was forced to stick his nose out from a corner of the covering and back into the cold.

His mind still raced.

Finally he sat up, all attempts at resting put aside for the moment. He checked to make sure his father was sleeping. Stoick was as still as a rock and snoring as loud as a farmer’s loudest and most obnoxious prize pig with a cold. Good. He reattached his prosthesis and began to pace the deck, keeping his footsteps light as he was the only one awake besides the night watch.

No, the night watch was asleep too. Snotlout had insisted on taking the first shift, Hiccup knew for sure. He’d been bragging that he was going to be the best night guardsman all night right around sunset. But the ship rocking gently off the shore of some small, uninhabited islet must’ve lulled him to sleep, because he was sitting on a barrel, head resting on his own shoulder and mouth gaping wide open to the skies.

Hiccup almost woke him up. He was reaching his hand out to shake his shoulder when he remembered that Snotlout had been quite busy all that day. While everyone onboard had been doing some kind of work, he, Astrid, and Fishlegs had been given smaller, easier tasks, from keeping watch to swabbing smaller corners of the deck.

Snotlout, though, had been insisting on helping load the ship, carrying heavy boxes and trying to show off to everyone around. While he shouldn’t have taken the shift if he wasn’t able to stay awake and alert through it, and falling asleep when he was supposed to be on duty was risking a lot of people, Hiccup couldn’t help but feel like Snotlout should get a little rest, especially since he wouldn’t let himself take it easy.

So, instead, he glanced at the moon to get a general sense of the time and paced quietly, scanning the waves for anything that looked threatening.

About five minutes after he began his watch, he heard a slapping sound as something emerged from the water.

His mind immediately jumped to whatever dragon had wrecked the ship Agnar and Starkard had seen. He took a breath to shout for everyone to wake up.

“Hello.”

The greeting was in Dragonese, but not in a dialect that a Thunderdrum or Mudraker might use. No, this voice belonged to a Night Fury.

Hiccup looked down into the ocean. It was hard to see black scales against dark water, but the bright green eyes caught the moonlight and gave Toothless away.

“Toothless?” It took all of Hiccup’s self-control not to shout the name. He wasn’t exactly expecting his best friend to show up in the middle of the ocean. “What are you doing here?”

Toothless tilted his head as he seemed to consider how to explain with what little Dragonese that Hiccup knew. “You went.” Toothless said another word Hiccup didn’t recognize. Given that Toothless slapped the side of the ship with his claws as he said it, though, Hiccup could guess what it meant. “Ruffnut and Tuffnut followed your ship.”

Well, now Hiccup knew for sure that Zippleback was Barf and Belch. One the one hand, that made things easier. On the other…

“Well, that’s just great news.” Hiccup huffed and shook his head. “Thanks for letting us know.” Then a thought occurred to him. “Hey, I don’t think I told Gobber or Dad about speaking Dragonese.” He’d meant to, but with the meeting keeping everyone busy and preoccupied the right moment to bring it up never really came around. “Does anyone even know you’re gone?”

Toothless’s response was his gummy smile, with his eyes extra large as if nervous, or pleading. “No.”

Hiccup shook his head. “Gobber’s going to kill you.” He sighed. “Dad’ll probably help, too, after this whole mess.”

Toothless’s ears pricked up and said a word in Dragonese that Hiccup guessed probably was along the lines of “What?”

Hiccup shrugged. “There might be a dragon going around attacking ships. Not Berk’s.” At least not yet. “Fishlegs thinks they might be a Muckraker or a Thunderdrum. Heard anything about that?”

“No.” The way that Toothless’s ears flattened back slightly, his pupils thin, suggested that whatever dragon was breaking ships was going to regret it once Toothless gave him a word.

Wait a minute… Hiccup felt his mind spark to life. Toothless can speak Dragonese! His presence would definitely help if they ran across that dragon.

But we’re not guaranteed to meet them on this trip, he reminded himself. If we don’t and arrive at the Thing with Toothless still around, we could be in big trouble.

And then a question came to mind.

“Toothless, how did you even swim so long? And why did no one see you?” It wasn’t as if Toothless wasn’t a good swimmer, but Hiccup couldn’t really imagine him being able to swim off of Berk without anyone, dragon or Viking, spotting him, even at night. He was hardly as fast as a Tidal Class dragon underwater, after all. And even if he tried swimming underwater to hide from Vikings and dragons alike, he’d still need to come up for air once in a while.  

Or did he? Back during the Battle of the Red Death, he vaguely remembered Toothless screaming underwater as Stoick had pulled him back to the surface. However, when his Dad had saved the Night Fury, he hadn’t needed to cough up water or gasp for breath at all. Hiccup hadn’t had the time to think about it at the time, and then life had been so hectic afterwards he’d almost forgotten about it.

“You can breathe underwater?” Hiccup made sure to keep his voice quiet, despite his surprise.

“Yes.” Toothless nodded, creating a small splash. Hiccup winced and checked behind him, but the noise had been too faint to wake anyone on board.

Hiccup wondered how he managed it. Did he have gills like a fish, or did he absorb water with his skin like frogs? Since Toothless had scales, not rubbery skin, he guessed it was the former. Did other dragons that didn’t belong to the Tidal Class have gills, too? 

He put that series of questions aside for the more pressing topic at hand. “Bud, you think you can cling to the bottom of the ship for a while? Because if we see that dragon and it is the one responsible for destroying ships, I think I’m going to need your help to talk to them.” It wasn’t the best solution, but it wasn’t like Hiccup could come up with a better plan. He’d hide Toothless in the storage below the deck if he could, but even if Hiccup could sneak him past all the sleeping Vikings without waking them up, there’d still be the issue of the Vikings going in and out of storage. He couldn’t keep everyone but him out altogether without raising suspicion, and the other Vikings would light lanterns to see the supplies they’d gone down to grab, so Toothless couldn’t just blend in with the shadows. But if Toothless could stay underwater indefinitely, and he could drop food into the water to keep him fed…

Toothless perked up and nodded. “Yes.”

Hiccup smiled, feeling the weight of at least one issue vanish from his shoulders. “Great. And just one more thing.” He tried to make himself look stern. “When we get to the Thing, stay hidden. Even if you think I need help, if I’m in danger, please don’t come after me.”

Toothless’s face went from loose and happy to set in a glare. “No.”

Hiccup huffed. His plan had been going so well. “Please, bud. If something goes wrong, I don’t want you getting hurt too.”

Toothless snorted like a yak refusing to leave its favorite grazing spot and shook his head. “No.”

Hiccup ignored the sinking feeling in his gut that said he was as good as fighting fate and instead tried to channel his father’s disapproving scowl. “I mean it, Toothless. If the other tribes catch you, they’ll kill you.” He’d been very lucky Stoick or another Viking hadn’t immediately killed Toothless during the events of the kill ring. He didn’t want to risk it again.

Toothless’s snort made Hiccup think he’d probably like to see them try.

“I mean it, bud. These aren’t just Vikings. They’re called ‘Berserkers’ and ‘Murderous’ for a reason.” The Berserker Tribe may be led by a man called “Oswald the Agreeable,” but Stoick’s tales had painted a man who’d been more antagonistic in the past. Antagonistic enough to kill a dragon on sight. And the Murderous Tribe surpassed them in ferocity and bloodlust toward enemies, humans and dragons alike. It’d probably been a small miracle they agreed to attend a peaceful meeting in the first place. While Hiccup was certain that he could make everyone see sense if he just came up with the right strategy, there was still an element of risk. He would accept the consequences if they turned against him. His best friend, however, wasn’t a price for peace he was willing to pay.

Toothless’s ears twitched and his eyes narrowed. He made a noise that Hiccup immediately translated as, “I know and I don’t care” without even understanding a single part of it.

Hiccup sighed. “Fine. If you insist on saving me yourself, just let my dad know if you’re going to do it.” Perhaps Stoick would find a way to stop Toothless from coming after him himself while still being able to help him.

Toothless didn’t completely relax, but at the very least his pupils weren’t slits anymore, and his ears weren’t as flat against his head. “Yes.”

“Okay.” At the very least that would be taken care of. “You’d better go hide before anyone catches me talking to you. I don’t want to have to explain to my Dad that I’m talking to my own reflection.”

Toothless made a soft burbling sound that he associated with dragons laughing. With that, he slipped back underwater without a sound.

A yawn struck Hiccup, which almost startled him back awake. He glanced back up at the sky. It was almost time for the next watch to take over, and high time for him to try and get some sleep. Before he returned to his spot, he stopped to shake Snotlout’s shoulder.

Snotlout flew to his feet as his eyes snapped open. “I’m not sleeping!”

Hiccup winced, but all that happened were a few sleeping Vikings mumbling and tossing in response.

“Oh, Hiccup.” Snotlout scrubbed at his eyes and scowled at him. “What do you want?”

Hiccup let irritation at being snapped at fade when he realized that Snotlout was probably grumpy from exhaustion. “Next shift begins soon,” he whispered. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”

Snotlout scowled in response, but he made no protest as Hiccup went back to his blankets and settled himself in for the night.

I apologize for how late this chapter was. Something unexpected happened a couple weeks ago, and I wasn’t feeling up to posting by the time that Wednesday rolled around. On top of that, by the time I was feeling somewhat better, I decided to rewrite the last half of this chapter, which took even longer. Hopefully it’s better than it would’ve been than if I stuck to the way it used to be. Thank you for your patience and understanding. 

Next –>

[avengers-nextgen]

We Are One X

“You’ve been unusually quiet lately,” Alex noted, sitting on a stool in Piper’s lab. “Why?”

“Just trying to work and pretend nothings happening,” Piper sighed, attempting to organize a few of her tools. “Every time I turn a corner in this place people are at each other’s throats. I miss the old days when it was harmless teasing.”

“I can’t help but agree with you there,” Alex laughed.

“I mean...when’s the last time the two of us got to hang out? Without interruption while we do something completely mundane and stupid?” Piper paused to glance at her friend. Though it was a brief look, Alex noted the melancholy hidden in Piper’s expression. She was less like her father when it came to being a hero. She was reckless but she also understood the cost of things. The price of doing such a job; people hated you or loved you, the media was everywhere, it was exhausting, and it was emotionally taxing.

“I don’t know,” Alex admitted, “but when this is over I wouldn’t mind hanging out-just the two of us. I could use some down time.”

“It just scares me that certain things are going to change in ways that we can’t fix,” Piper frowned.

“They may, but I also know everyone here is very resilient. Things have a way of working out even if it takes time,” Alex promised. Piper nodded, remaining silent for some time before pulling Alex into a hug. While the blonde was surprised, she didn’t hesitate to hug back.

Piper had been her best friend since childhood. She loved the little genius with all of her heart, and Piper was right. They’d been growing rather distant over time. It wasn’t any fault of their own, but neither of them could afford allowing crime fighting to take precedence over friendship.

— — —

“I got surveillance on a downtown issue,” Fox frowned, pulling up a hologram of a recorded scene, “unfortunately criminals never rest.”

“Alright, check rotation,” Maria sighed, “get the kids on the scene. Prep for back up if needed. We don’t know if the other supers will make an appearance or not.”

“On it,” Fox nodded, popping up from her seat and running off.

“You up to bat this time?” Arthur asked, having seen Fox scamper about rallying the troops and Enzo pull on his suit. “Going alone?”

“No, my sister’s coming and Piper too,” Enzo explained.

“Good,” Arthur sighed in relief. He couldn’t imagine Enzo handling everything on his own-especially at such a young age.

“If you say so,” Enzo shrugged.

“Hey, you okay?” Arthur frowned.

“Fine.”

Though it didn’t seem like it, Arthur accepted the response. If he pushed for information Enzo would only retreat further from him. However, Arthur had a guess at what was bothering the younger boy.

“Let’s go,” Piper called marching out into the living room fully clad in her suit.

“Let’s make this quick,” Sage remarked, stretching her arms above her head, “the faster we go the less likely we are to receive interference.”

“Be careful,” Arthur smiled thinly as he patted Enzo on the shoulder.

— — —

“I’m getting really pissed off by these guys!” Piper growled. “Step aside! You’re impeding a crime scene.”

“You know very well that won’t happen,” Killian shrugged coolly.

“You will move.”

“You will have to make us,” Killian smiled thinly. He knew very well the hot headed nature of Piper Stark. She would inevitably engage them. In truth, none of the heroes had much of a choice. They either forced Killian and his group aside or risked innocent lives.

“This is gonna hurt.” Piper raised her hand and blasted Killian straight in the chest. He went toppling like a tree. “Who’s next?”

“Enzo, find a way around. Piper and I will handle this. Worry about the civilians,” Sage ordered, deflecting a flying axe.

“I can handle this.”

“I know you can,” Sage frowned, “but someone needs to intervene with what’s going on in the bank. Now, go.”

Enzo gave a growl of reply before running off as instructed.

Piper shot forward in a blur tackling Kubu to the ground. He slid for a few feet before coming to a stop by a car. Staggering to his feet, the boy rolled his shoulders and pounced.

Sage ducked the sweeping blow of Drew’s weapon once she’d recovered it. No less than a second later, the clawed end of a whip was striking near her ankles. Keeping out of range from both enemies was proving difficult.

Eyes narrowed in concentration, Sage projected multiple forms of herself. The technique proved useful in confusing them. Able to catch her breath, Sage worked on turning the tables.

Lightning arched in Piper’s direction nearly catching her by the foot. Darting out of the way she blasted at Killian once more. Luckily for Killian, Kubu hurled a manhole cover to block the shot. Metal projectile flying, the circular slab impaled a nearby flag pole.

Setting her jaw, Piper laid on a heavy assault. Bursts of blue ignited the space between hero and foe turning the war scene into a deadly game of dodge ball.

Planting a foot into Harper’s chest, Sage sent her sprawling onto her back. No sooner had she done this when Drew’s foot connected with the back of her knee. Going down roughly, Sage barely dodged an incoming knee to the face. Catching Drew’s leg, the Asgardian planted a vicious elbow to the knee.

With a cry of pain, Drew fell clutching at her leg. Attempting to intervene, Harper lashed out to no avail as Sage avoided the metallic tip of her whip. Getting at least one of Killian’s members into custody would drastically turn the tables.

With Piper fighting viciously to keep Killian and Kubu at bay a window of opportunity had finally opened.

Ducking another attack of Harper’s, Sage caught Drew by the back of her collar as she attempted to crawl away.

The hold didn’t last. A bulky frame crashed into the Asgardian freeing Drew. Sliding across the asphalt, Sage used her momentum to clamber back to her feet. She was greeted by the intimidating form of a Rhino. Already, Sage could feel her side bruising from the impact.

No sooner had there been a rhino than a wolf that stood in its place. With a flick of the wrists two elongated silver blades settled into the palm of Sage’s hands.

“You can rethink this.” Sage’s proposition was met with a gnash of teeth as Max took a protective stance over Drew. “So be it.”

Piper was met with a surge of electricity paralyzing the armor. Her systems couldn’t handle such power and charge all at once. Glinting silver claws racked across the face plate with an ear-aching screech. Heart pounding, Piper tried desperately to move. “Any help?Enzo? Sage?”

“I’m busy at the mo-“ Sage’s voice cut out and the sound of muffled curses greeted Piper’s ears.

Sucking in a deep breath Piper attempted to activate back up systems. When nothing happened she was already regretting not having a Will already written.

What happened next was a blur. One moment she was aware of Kubu doing his best to dissect her suit and the next he-along with Killian- were blasted backwards.

Sage’s blade settled mere inches away on the ground. Teeth clamped painfully into her shoulder with no intention of letting up, the sorceress struggled to find the upper hand.

Punching at the wolf’s nose its mouth temporarily released. Shifting for her weapon, Sage nearly grasped it when the same bloodied mouth latched on once more. With a snarl the creature shook its head as if it were tearing skin from prey. Punching again, Sage gained enough leverage to clasp the weapon firmly. Turning quickly the blade nearly pierced the wolf’s side when a blast of gold magic knocked the weapon free.

“Enzo!” Sage growled. She didn’t have to look to know her brother was responsible. At the sound of Enzo’s name the wolf retreated. Blood dribbled from its maw accompanied by drool.

“Go.” Enzo ordered. “Before I do something I regret.”

The wolf looked as if it wanted to approach him, but on second thought it tucked it’s tail and ran.

— — —

Piper sat in the medical wing observing the two siblings. Both were fuming, and yet they’d refused to talk to one another. At last Enzo broke the silence.

“You were going to stab them.”

“I didn’t have a choice.”

“Yes you did. Max could be dead because of you,” Enzo glowered.

“Next time I’ll let myself be mauled to death,” Sage shook her head.

“Please tell me your arm is still attached and we aren’t having a Bianca 2.0,” Alex worried, practically kicking down the door.

“Bianca 2.0,” Piper snorted.

“Max is my only friend!” Enzo continued.

“Max stopped being your friend the moment they decided you were responsible for their powers. Enzo, Max is against you. I know it hurts but it’s true,” Sage frowned, “don’t be blinded by false hope. Max made their choice. They’re not the same person they used to be.”

“You’re wrong, and if what you say is true-you’re not my sister. Max is exactly like you were. The only reason you started to care about anything was because someone told you too! It’s the only reason you even cared about me anyways!” Enzo yelled, wiping quickly at his eyes. “I hate you.”

“Enzo...”

“Don’t. You tried to kill the one person that actually understood me. And now you pretend like you’re some saint. You’re not! You’re as bad as you’ve always been and you don’t know me at all! So stop caring because you don’t anyways. You’re just going through the motions like always. I liked it better when you just disappeared for a year. At least then you didn’t ruin things.” Enzo marched angrily from the room slamming the door behind himself.

Piper shared a worried look with Alex who’d watched it all in confusion and surprise. Sage sat quietly fiddling with the edge of the bandage across her shoulder.

“Sage...” Alex started carefully.

“If he feels that way it’s fine,” Sage shrugged with a wince, “he’s entitled to his opinion.”

“I know, but-“

“No one’s gonna change his mind. He made it quiet clear.” Sage replied, and Alex could sense that the conversation was over. Piper walked out with Alex in tow promising to explain all that had happened but all Alex could recall was Piper’s fear. Things would permanently change between them and their friends. First it was Chloe and now it was Enzo. She couldn’t bear to think of anyone else following that path.

[mustlovemustypages]

2018 Letter

Dear potential writer,

*Sigh* 2018 has been a long year, has it not? Yuletide is proving to be a great distraction and I'm very excited to be participating again. Thank you for reading my letter and also thank you in advance for anything you decide to write for me! 

Below are my desired fandoms and pairings along with story ideas that I would love to see written. Please don't feel stifled by my prompts; I've also listed my general likes/dislikes at the very bottom of this letter if you decide to go a different route. 

The Defenders (TV):

Characters: Luke Cage and Jessica Jones

I will admit that my main motivation for watching The Defenders was to see more interactions between these two characters. While I loved all of the scenes between them, I wish they'd had a lot more shared screen time. 

Overall I just want these two kids to end up together. I've been a fan of their relationship before the Netflix shows came out and will continue to be a fan after they have ended.

Story ideas:

Luke and Jessica learning to trust each other again amongst the events of The Defenders, and Jessica sharing a bit more of her past with Kilgrave to help Luke understand what exactly she went through.

Seeing Luke and Jessica's on screen (or imagined off screen) interactions through the eyes of the other characters.

Jessica Jones is a walking poster child for PTSD and I would really like to see this explored more. Recovery isn’t necessary, but having Luke at least realize her suffering and talking/hugging it out would be lovely.

We may or may not be getting a season 2. Feel free to imagine your own post-season 1 with the team, especially focusing on the Jessica/Luke dynamic.

Speed (1994):

Characters: Annie Porter and Jack Traven

I'm a sucker for characters who fall in love during immensely stressful situations. Especially characters played by Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. I'm also a sucker for action movies that have not-quite-believable but really-thrilling-anyway plotlines. Like buses with bombs that go off if driving under 50 mph.

Story ideas:

Regardless of what Jack said at the end of the movie about most relationships formed during stressful circumstances not surviving, I have chosen to believe Annie and Jack would have beaten the odds once again. I'm sure their friends, co-workers, and family would have had their doubts but would have eventually seen that the two were perfect for each other.

I'd adore post-movie slice of life stories where they buy their first place together, meet each others' families for the first time, or even do something as mundane as going to get groceries. It would be so endearingly (and hilariously) normal in contrast to their first meeting.

Annie definitely thought Jack was insane when he flagged down the bus and jumped on. It would be interesting to read that scene from her point of view as well as other scenes throughout the movie as her opinion of him changes.

It would be impossible to go through what these two characters did without it having some sort of impact on their psyche. Whether it be Annie refusing to ride the bus again and Jack offering to drive her to work until/if she recovers, or Jack having flashbacks of the helplessness he felt on that train when he couldn't get Annie unchained.

The Darkest Minds (Book Series):

Character: Ruby Daly

X-Men was my jam when I was younger, and The Darkest Minds is basically X-Men set in a dystopian world with really loveable characters.

Ruby is a precious gem* that needs to be protected at all costs, even if it’s from herself. Liam is such a sweetheart. Book 2 when he gets his memories back had me literally crying. Chubs and Zhu are amazing, and I love the little family the four of them made together. Vida was also really great, and so was Cole… and you get the point. I loved them all.

*Pun not intended but acknowledged nevertheless.

My favorite pairing from the series is Ruby/Liam but sadly Liam is not in the tagset. It would be amazing if you wrote a Ruby/Liam story but if that's not your thing, I'd be equally happy with a gen story focusing on Ruby and Cole, Ruby and Chubs, Ruby and Vida, etc. Chubs/Vida in the background would be even more wonderful!

Story ideas:

Ruby definitely struggled with her abilities and had healthy/unhealthy coping mechanisms. Expanding on this would be great and including any of the other characters' responses to her coping mechanisms would be a definite plus.

Reunions are the best. Write how you would have liked the Liam and Ruby reunion in book 2 to have played out or expand on canon to bring on even more feels. Again, I fully realize that Liam is not in the tagset so don't feel pressured to include him. Instead write about a reunion between Ruby and one of the other main characters (like Chubs)!

I wish there were more scenes exploring the dynamics of Cole and Ruby's friendship and how that impacts their respective relationships with Liam, especially because Cole and Ruby relate on a level that I don't think Liam ever quite understood. One of my favorite parts from the whole series is the scene in the shower where Cole is basically interrogating Ruby for information about Liam. It's a totally non-romantic scene but very emotionally charged and it would be really interesting to read about it from Cole's point of view.

Impluse (TV):

Characters: Henrietta "Henry" Coles, Lucas Boone, Jenna Hope, Townes Linderman

This show became a surprise favorite of mine in 2018, mostly because it's on YouTube Red and I haven't given most of their original shows much thought. Also because it tackles rape and recovery in such a raw and interesting, especially in the context of a sci-fi show.

I just need more Henry Coles. If you want to do a romantic relationship I'd prefer seeing something explored with Lucas Boone or her canon love interest Josh (who was only in 2 episodes but really seemed to "get" Henry). Otherwise, gen stories between Henry and any/all of the tagset characters would be great.

Story Ideas:

Henry will never be fully "recovered" in the sense that one can never truly recover from rape. It will always have an impact on her life. The other characters get that and try to help her in any way they can.

While Lucas is aware of what his brother did to Henry, he has no idea of the real impact. I'd love a story where he learns more about her seizures and the way her anxiety/fears manifest themselves as teleportation.

Hurt/comfort in all forms because Henry has been hurt enough for a lifetime, but she could do with a whole lot more comfort. Either within the confines of season 1 or imagined opportunities for comfort in season 2.

We get the story from mostly Henry's perspective, but I'm sure there is a lot going on in the minds of Lucas, Jenna and/or Townes as the events of season 1 play out.

The Folk of the Air

Pairing: Cardan Greenbriar/Jude Duarte

Holly Black is an evil genius and I bow down to her greatness. Starting off the first book in this series, I never would have imagined that by the end I'd be rooting for Jude and Cardan to be together but here we are.

They are the ultimate enemies-to-lovers and I can't wait to see what happens to them in the second book coming in 2019.

Story ideas:

Maybe I'm being unrealistically optimistic, but despite Jude's betrayal at the end of the first book, I think these two can work it out. Perhaps Jude helps Cardan cope with the stresses of being king and he is able to move past what she did. Or maybe he sees how impossible Jude thought the situation was and comes to the realization that he was the only one she trusted to do it.

Madoc is a horrible father. Jude basically knows this from the beginning. Still, she was genuinely upset in discovering what he had done. I'd love to see her finally release all of that pent up anger - either her using Cardan as a sounding board for her rants or even having her completely breakdown under all of the stress and him comforting her.

We get the perspective of Jude throughout the entire book, but I would really enjoy seeing some of the scenes from Cardan's point of view as his feelings for Jude change.

There is no way that Jude's sister, Vivienne, wouldn't be alarmed when finding out that Jude and Cardan kissed. Jude having to explain her changed feelings for Cardan and Vivienne realizing that Jude is in like/love would be hilarious and heartwarming.

Things I don’t like:

Alternate Universes – For the specific fandoms that I picked, I really like the universes as they are. I’m definitely okay with deviations from canon, but please don’t make Speed into a supernatural werewolf story or the fantasy/sci-fi canons take place in a mundane coffee shop setting. (I don’t mind Soulmate AUs or something similar because those can be incorporated into canon with little change to worldbuilding).

Non-Con/Rape/BDSM/Sexual Violence/Graphic Sex – I like my characters to be happy and everything within ships to be 100% consensual, no question about it (mentions of non-con if it occurred in canon is fine). I also prefer plot over porn, especially with one-shots.

OT3s – Two people per romantic relationship please. Any more than that makes me uncomfortable.

Character Bashing - Unless a character is a bad guy in canon, I don’t want to read hundreds of words about how awful they are, especially if they are one of the characters that I requested. Don’t take it out on the characters if you hate my pairings, just write gen. 

Things I love:

Hurt/Comfort – There is nothing I love more than one character comforting another. The hurt can be physical, psychological, or both.  

Happy Endings – I’m all for the realistic endings… but if they could be plausible AND happy-ish, that would be amazing.

Expanded Scenes/Contorting Canon – Feel free to expand scenes and change up canon to your heart’s content as long as it makes logical sense.

Humor/Banter/Snark – I thrive on this stuff.

Bonding/Building Relationships – Whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship, I adore reading about two people growing closer together. When characters know each other so well that they can have conversations with just their eyes or anticipate the person’s next move (especially if it’s to the surprise/confusion of everyone around them), my shipper heart is thrilled.

Dark to Light – Seeing a character come out of a bad mindset/situation and get better is so satisfying.

Thanks again and happy writing!

- Maddy @mustlovemustypages (on Tumblr, Ao3 and FF.net)

[jojuarez26]

Because I do

This is a Divergent AU. Modern day fanfiction

Eric/OC Mature language, strong content, possible triggers as story progresses.

This has been in my head and just won't quit speaking to me. So here we go

@pathybo @tigpooh67 @lunaschild2016 @emmysrandomthoughts @jaihardy @beautifulramblingbrains @clublulu333 @captstefanbrandt @frecklefaceb @kiiiimberlyriiiicker1995 @mom2reesie @iammarylastar @kenzieam @ericdauntless @badassbaker @badassdauntlessgirl @elaacreditava @sporadichologramblizzard-ed17414 @desicoulter @scorpio2009

I met Eric Coulter in a bar in Chicago about a year ago. Amber and I went to have a girls weekend out to celebrate me finally have the courage to get out of the fucking hell that was my six year relationship.

I spent two weeks at Pine Rest Mental Health Center. When we left for that weekend I was eight weeks single. What was supposed to be us girls having fun quickly turned into Amber on the dance floor while I nursed Dr.Pepper and Paul Masson at a corner table.

The bar was packed, there had been a charity event down the street and it seemed this was the after party spot.

I had been deep in thought reflecting on how at twenty- thee I was damaged goods, or at least that's how I felt. I heard a throat clear and a deep, gravely voice spoke.

"Excuse me. I don't mean to bother you, the bar is full and you have three empty chairs. Do mind if I sit down. Even if it's just for a few minutes?" The gentleman asked.

He was the definition of sexy as fuck. At least six foot one or two, short dark hair and the most beautiful smoke gray eyes. Built like a shit brick house, biceps bulging in his black button down dress shirt.

He had the sleeves rolled up revealing black maze tattoos up both for arms with some parallel bar patterns down his neck. Two piercings above his left eyebrow and gages in his ears.

"Yes? No? Maybe?" He asked after a moment.

Shit. I shook myself from the daze of checking out the sexiest man to ever speak to me.

"Uh yeah. Sorry. Have a seat." I smiled feeling the blush creep up my neck.

"Thanks. I'm Eric by the way," he extended his hand to shake.

"Danielle. Nice to meet you," He had a strong grip.

After a few minutes he must have decided it was safe to speak. He was kicked back in a relaxed position even though he had on dress pants, dress shoes and the expensive looking button down. His outfit was all black except the pocket of the dress shirt had red flames embroidered on the pocket.

"Are you here alone?" He had his eyebrow raised in curiosity.

It didn't seem like he was hitting on me. It almost seemed more like concern. I shook my head and nodded my head towards Amber and her dance partner.

"No. Suppose to be girls weekend out, but well yeah. I don't mind though. I'm glad she's enjoying herself." I shrugged with a light sigh.

"You really aren't feeling the whole club scene are you? I just came for a few drinks to unwind myself. I was representing mine and my partner's business at the charity event. His wife is in labor. My girl is in Los Angeles for two weeks so I got to fly solo," he explained.

A girl, of course a man that damn sexy would be taken. At least it was a nice view to enjoy for the moment.

"We live about three hours away in Michigan. I just ended a six year relationship from hell. So we came to celebrate," I sounded pathetic.

"Sorry to hear that. At least you got out. Six years? You don't look that old." He had a sympathetic look on his face.

"I'm not really. Twenty-three. I met Pete when I was seventeen and a senior in high school." I needed to change the subject I really couldn't talk about this right now.

"So, you said your company. What kind of business do you own?" There we go Danielle good deflection.

"Dauntless Security and Investigate Services. After serving in the Marine Corps. For five years my buddy Four and I decided to open our own Security firm. We started out small, after three years we are expanding faster than we can keep up." He smiled with pride as he spoke.

I have to admit I was impressed. Although I had to shoot one of his own observations back at him.

"Impressive. You don't look that old either though. Incredible genes or just incredibly smart?" I asked playfully.

"A little bit of both I suppose. Just turned twenty-nine," he chuckled.

"I don't think I heard you right. Did you say you friends name is Four?" I asked curiously. It had to be a nickname, at least I hoped so. That would be awful parents to curse your child like that.

"You heard me right," Eric chuckled. "It's a nickname from high school. It just stuck. Freshman year he took on pretty much the whole varsity football team in Tris, his now wife's honor. Anyhow, he got his ass kicked. What nobody was expecting was that he waited and four different times he fought the top dogs until he was finally successful. The football coach started calling him Four after that. It just stuck." He just shrugged with a smile while flagging down a server.

Ordering himself another drink he offered to buy me another as well. We ended up talking about everything and nothing until it was closing time.

Amber had checked on me a few times, however with Eric keeping me company I was content to watch her enjoy her dance partner. As everyone started to clear out Amber and Jeff announced they wanted to go to a twenty-four diner down the road. Knowing that Eric's girlfriend Mariah was out of town and his best friend with his wife and new baby I decided to invite Eric. He seemed like he didn't want to go home to an empty house.

I was surprised just a little when he accepted. However I was grateful. We had hit it off really well, I really didn't want to end up being Amber's third wheel.

We talked about Mariah and how two years ago he thought she was the girl he would end up marrying. Now he wasn't so sure. Her career had been placing her out in L.A. alot. Her family was out there and after being in Chicago for five years, she suddenly was thinking about relocating back to the West Coast

Eric is originally from the Chicago area. He liked being in the Mid West and his business was really starting to take off and he had no intention of leaving anytime soon.

I told just a few things about how I met Pete and the chaos that followed me for the next six years. He told me I was way to beautiful, intelligent to ever let another person treat me like that again.

"Chalk those years up to a lesson learned and move forward. You seem like an amazing person and I can tell how you talk and carry yourself that you're intelligent. Know your worth. My sister was in a similar situation just for not as long. I understand how it happens, just be thankful you had the courage to leave," he had held my hand rubbing his thumb across it while we talked.

Amber and Jeff headed back to the hotel. Knowing how that was going to end up, Eric offered to walk around with me as it was close to dawn. We ended up a Navy Pier watching the sunrise over Lake Michigan. It felt amazing to be spending time with a guy with no pressure or worries of expectations. It felt like coming home to and old friend spending time with Eric.

Around nine in the morning he walked me back to my hotel. We sat in the lobby talking for at least another forty-five minutes.

"Well Danielle I really need to head home and get some sleep. Thank you for your wonderful company. You have my number and we are officially friends on Facebook. Keep in touch. If your ever back in the Chicago area we'll have to do lunch or something," he had the warmest smile. I wasn't use to a man being anything but cruel and cold.

"You saved my night so I actually owe you the thank you. I'm really glad we met. Thank you for reminding me that there are still some good men left in this world. Even if they are taken," I winked and smiled.

Eric looked almost sad for a moment. Then he looked like he was struggling with what he was thinking about.

"Fuck it," he said as he took a step towards me. Before I could even have a chance to think he pulled me to him and crashed his lips to mine. I knew I should've stopped him, but his lips where so soft. I couldn't help wrapping my arms around his neck as his slipped around my waist.

After a moment he pulled back and just leaned his forehead on mine. We just stood like that for a minute before he moved his lips to whisper in my ear.

"Any man would be lucky to have you. Don't ever let them tell you any different. Whenever you need a reminder of it, call me."

With that he kissed my cheek and slowly dropped his arms. He held on to my hands for just a moment longer.

"Text me when you get home so I know you made it safely. I'm really glad I met you Danielle." He let go of my hands and quickly turned to go without looking back.

After that weekend Eric and I stayed in close contact. We talked or texted all the time. Three months later Mariah had told him she had been seeing someone in L.A. for about four months and she was leaving him to go back to the West Coast.

About a month later luck would have it that my sister had a cheer competition at a high school just outside the Chicago area. I decided to tag along with my parents to see Eric.

I was shocked he actually just came and met us at the high school. He ended spending the afternoon at the competition with my family and going out to dinner with us.

Later we went to the bar alone for drinks. It was great spending actual time with Eric again. It was even better that he spent most the night with his arm around me and holding my hand. He knew now even more about what I went threw with Pete. So he always seemed to make sure I knew I was special to him. His best friend besides Four.

I ended up staying the night that night. We ended up making out on the couch, I stopped it before it went to far though.

"Eric I live three hours away. We are both just recently out of long term relationships that ended badly. I don't want to loose your friendship or mess things up. I need you as my friend," I had explained when I stopped him from unbuttoning my pants.

"Ok. I respect you and care about Danielle. I will never do anything you don't want me too," he was running his fingers down my cheek starring in my eyes.

"Can we just cuddle?" I asked softly.

"Of course," he repositioned us so he was behind me with his arms around me.

The next morning we met my parents and sister for breakfast. He kissed me softly on the lips when we said our good byes

"Next month we're having our company picnic. It's going to be an all day event carnival style. You should come. I'd like to introduce you to Four and Tris." He had his forehead on mine with his eyes closed.

"I don't think I can afford it," I sighed in disappointment.

"I'll pay for your gas. You can stay in my guest room. Obviously food will be provided. Come," he was talking in a soft, pleading voice.

"If I can get that weekend off. I'll come." I kissed his cheek and reluctantly headed to my parents truck. He stayed in the parking lot until we pulled out.

"He seems like a nice guy despite his looks. He looks rough around the edges and intimidating. He seems rather stern and business like unless he's looking at you," my mom smiled at me in the mirror from the front seat.

"Eric was in the marine corps. For five years and co-owns his own Security company. He can't help but be kind of militant. AND we are just FRIENDS mom," I made sure to stress friends.

"I don't look at my friends like that," my dad smirked.

"He's hot Dani! And he's not a dick like Pete," my sister added from next to me.

"He is too old for you so don't even think about Lynn. Stick to Uriah. And it doesn't take much to be less of a dick than Pete," I side eyed my sister.

Eric, his company and my previous terrible life decisions ended up being the topic of conversation the whole way home. My mother encouraged me to go to the company picnic and enjoy myself.

Even being away from Pete for almost seven months I was having a hard time getting out and socializing. I spent six years in a controlling, abusive relationship and struggled with continuous relapses in sobriety from drug addiction. I was what you call a self medicator.

I was still working on rebuilding my self confidence, social skills and dealing with crippling anxiety and depression. It seemed the only time I found the confidence and desire to be normal or some semblance of it was if I was talking to Eric.

So I guess I was going to Chicago for the weekend next month.

[darveymficprompts]

Donna & Harvey getting carried away in the pool of a hotel on their first business trip as a couple.

Donna and Harvey go skinny dipping.

 “Immersed”

 “How was your flight?”  

“It was good.” Harvey smiles, glancing over at the redhead, his redhead, currently checking them in at the front desk of the hotel they’d just arrived at.

“I’ll bet.” Jessica teases from the other end of the line.

Harvey and Donna had flown in to Chicago to help Jessica as she prepared to enter the world of Chicago politics; it had been a last-minute decision, Jessica had been surprised by an impromptu encounter with the Mayor of Chicago, who had invited her to a meeting the following day with numerous Chicago political figures, a meeting Jessica had asked Harvey to accompany her to.

“I’m choosing to believe you’re referring to service in first class.” Harvey smirks.

“You do that.” Jessica teases.

“Donna said she sent you through the press release you asked for?”

“Yeah, tell her thank you, Jeff is going to send it out tomorrow.”

“What time is the meeting tomorrow?” He asks.

“Ten,” Jessica confirms, “You know you could have just stayed with us, Harvey.”

“I know, and thank you, I just wanted…” He attempts to explain.

“You wanted to be alone,” His old mentor finishes for him, “I get it. How are things with you two now that you’ve finally opened your eyes?”

“Great.” Harvey smiles, glancing back towards his girl, “everything’s great.”

‘Got the key’ Donna mouths, walking through the lobby towards him with the room key in her hand.

“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow, Harvey. I’ve arranged for a car to pick you both up at 9.30.”

“We’ll see you then.” He says, hanging up the phone.

“Ready?” Donna smiles “…I really shouldn’t have been surprised that you booked the most expensive suite in hotel, should I?”

“Thought you were supposed to know everything?” He teases, leaning down to place a soft kiss against her lips.

- - -

It had taken them a while, but they were finally in a good place, a wonderful place, they were finally together and incredibly happy. What had only been three months ago felt like it had taken place a lifetime ago.

After Donna had kissed him, to say thing went from confused to chaos would be an understatement. In true Specter form, void of any emotional maturity and without Donna’s guidance, Harvey had not handled the situation well at all. Even after he had broken up with Paula, weeks of anger, confusion and guilt laced with harsh words, constant fighting and bitterness had culminated in what Harvey could only describe as one of the worst moments in his life; Donna left him.

 ** FLASHBACK**

 Returning to the firm after a meeting with Louis, Harvey was greeted by a solemn Mike standing in the doorway of his office.

“Harvey, you need to see this.”

“Not now, Mike.”

“Now, Harvey. Trust me. I found this on Donna’s Desk, I thought it was something she’d been working on for me”

“What is it?” Harvey asks, ignoring the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, his brows knitting together in confusion.”

“You need to fix this, Harvey.” Mike says seriously, handing the piece of paper to the older lawyer.

Harvey identifies it immediately; a resignation letter, with a hand written not attached to it, he swallows thickly as he begins to read.

 Dear Harvey and Louis,

Please be advised of my intention to resign as Chief Operations Officer of Specter Litt, effective immediately.

I greatly appreciate the opportunity and privilege that has been extended to me during my time at the firm and while this decision is an extremely difficult one, it is necessary.

I am grateful for your friendship, support and guidance and the tireless efforts of all staff within the offices of Specter Litt. I wish you all well in your future endeavours.

Sincerely,

Donna Paulsen

 Harvey could feel the familiar tightening of his chest that accompanied a panic attack, he willed himself to continue reading the note, praying that this was just a dream.

 Harvey,

I just can’t do this anymore; I have decided to leave New York, I’ve been offered an opportunity elsewhere and have decided to take it. I just need a fresh start.

I want you to know that I am not sorry I kissed you, I’m in love with you and if I’m being completely honest, I would do it again. But, I am sorry that our relationship couldn’t withstand it and that because of my actions, trying to figure out my own feelings, you now look at me with a look that was once only reserved for your Mother, a mixture of pain, betrayal and disgust.

I know I’ve let you down, but I never meant to hurt you, please know that.

Perhaps in my absence it will be easier for you to rekindle things with Dr Agard.

Be happy, Harvey, that’s all I want for you.

Donna.

 He closes his eyes, dizziness taking over as he struggles to breathe. As he glances back down at the paper, he notices his hands are shaking.

This can’t be happening.

“She’s on her way to JFK”  

He looks up to find Rachel standing inside the doorway.

“…She’s moving to Seattle.” She offers.

“She …She won’t want to see me,” Harvey argues weakly, “I’ve fucked everything up, Rachel.”

“Yeah, you have, Harvey…” Rachel says, “…and maybe you don’t deserve the opportunity to fix it, but she does! Donna deserves it and you are the only person who is going to be able to change this.”

Before Rachel can say another word, Harvey finds himself racing towards the elevator, still clutching the papers in his hand. The elevator doors open to the lobby and he runs towards the exit, looking out towards the street. The cool night air hits him as he steps outside, flagging down the first cab he sees, “JFK” He tells the driver as he climbs in.

He has to find her.

- - -

“American Airlines flight AA45 to Seattle now boarding.”

Donna had been sitting near the boarding gate, waiting for her flight to be announced, as she hears her flight number she stands and collects her purse, coat and carry on bag, turning around to head towards the desk she takes a step forward before she spots him, jogging towards her. Harvey.

“Donna”

“Harvey what are you doing here? How did you…”

“Rachel.” He explains.

“Harvey, I…”

“Don’t go!” He begs, “Please. Donna you can’t leave.”

She scoffs, “We haven’t spoken in weeks unless its been you yelling at me about something!”

“I know, I’m sorry, I am. I just…”

“In the fourteen years I’ve known you, Harvey, I never thought we’d end up here; you hating me!”

“Donna…” He begins, taken aback by her statement.

“No, Harvey,” She interjects, “I’m not doing this! I’ve said what I needed to, and I have a flight to catch, so…” she says, brushing past him.

He grabs her arm, halting her movements, “I don’t hate you…” He says softly.

“Really? Because last I checked, the way you have treated me in the last two weeks is exactly the way you would act towards someone you couldn’t stand!”

“You really don’t get it do you?” He says, shaking his head in disbelief.

“Oh, I get it, Harvey, you’ve made yourself crystal clear. I’m selfish for doing what I did and putting you in that position, selfish for putting myself first and making you cheat. Believe me, I get it!”

“I was mad at myself!” Harvey says, exasperated. “I wasn’t mad because I didn’t want you, Donna, I was mad because I did!” He explains.

“…Ever since my Mom cheated on my Dad, I have always known I have zero tolerance of infidelity. Then, you ambush me with a kiss…”

“I told you, I had…” She tries to defend.

“Just spoken with Louis, I know. Let me finish, please.” He begs.

Donna nods.

“Then you kissed me in your office and for the first time ever, infidelity didn’t bother me. My head was spinning, and I was surprised, Donna, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want to have you right there on your desk.”

“Harvey…”

“I didn’t know how to deal with it. I took it out on you and I’m sorry.”

Donna can feel the tears building, “Why didn’t you just talk to me?” She asks.

“You know I’m no good with talking about feelings.” He offers weakly. “… But I do love you, Donna.”

“Harvey…”

“Final boarding call for American Airlines flight AA45 to Seattle.”

Harvey can feel his heart racing, uneasy that she hasn’t agreed to stay yet, he quickly pulls her towards him, pressing his lips against hers, kissing her gently as he cups her face.

“Please don’t go” He begs. “…I love you.”

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to interrupt, are you boarding?” The flight attendant asks.

Donna sighs, pressing her cheek harder against Harvey’s hand.

“I’m sorry.”

“Donna…” He whispers, frowning slightly.

“It’s too late,” She whispers, tear filled eyes looking up at him, “I love you, but you can’t …We can’t …I have to go.”

“Donna.”

“Goodbye, Harvey.”

- - -

Harvey sighs, slumping back in his chair, finishing the last of the Macallan in his glass, fighting against the burn in his throat. Internally debating whether to head back to the firm or to just drink himself in to a stupor, attempting to forget the last few hours.

The latter wins.

She left, she actually left him. He’s not quite sure he believes it yet.

He ignores the buzz of his cell phone, probably just Mike checking on him again, he reasons. As he approaches his bar for a refill, noticing he’s used the last of it,

“Fuck” He mumbles to himself.

He reaches for his keys as he resolves to head to the liquor store, the walk will probably do him some good, give him a chance to clear his head.

Grabbing his coat, he opens the door, surprised by the figure standing on the other side of it.

“Donna.” He breathes, internally asking himself if he’s seeing things now.

“Say it again.” She demands, eyes still laced with tears.

He doesn’t need her to clarify what she means.

“I love you.” He says adamantly, certain he’s never spoken a truer word in his life.

Before he can repeat the words again in an effort to make her believe them, her lips crash against his as she kisses him passionately. He pulls her in closely, holding her body against his own as he kisses her back with everything he has.

There is not a chance in hell that he’ll ever let her go again.

 ** END OF FLASHBACK **

- - -

“This place is gorgeous.” Donna says, unpacking their suitcase.

“You’re gorgeous!” He says, his arms encircling her waist as he hugs her from behind, kissing her neck.  

“Smooth, Specter.” She chuckles. “How you are New York’s best closer I have no idea!”

“Oh, I think you do.” He smirks, sitting down on the bed beside her.

“THAT, better not have anything to do with it, mister.” She says, narrowing her eyes at him slightly.

“Don’t worry, THAT is reserved solely for my lady, the others just succumb to my good looks and charm.” He grins.

“…And ego” She adds, teasing him further.

“You love me.”

“I do.” She agrees, leaning down for a quick kiss.

It had surprised both of them how natural the transition from friends, well, their version of friends, to lovers had been. PDA, stolen kisses, declarations of love, it all just felt so right. With fourteen years to make up for, they had practically locked themselves away the entire first week they were together, nothing but sex and each other, with occasional breaks for food and sleep.

“Oh, thank God, I’m starving!” Donna praises as she hears a knock on the door followed by a voice saying it was the room service they’d ordered. “Honey, can you get it? I just want to hang these last few things up,” She asks.

Harvey opens the door and accepts the food, tipping the man generously.

“Hey, where’s the pool in this place?” He queries.

“First floor, last door on the left.” The hotel worker explains, “But unfortunately it’s closed now, Sir”

“What would I have to do to open it for us a little later?” Harvey asks, offering the man $100.

“I’m sure we can arrange something.”

“Oh, and this is to make sure we’re left alone.” Harvey instructs, offering him another $100.

“Yes, Sir. I’ll make sure that happens.”

- - -

“Harvey, where are you taking me?” Donna asks, holding Harvey’s hand as his other one covers her eyes.

“You said to get in our robes because we are getting massages, the spa is in the other direction!”

“I’m covering your eyes” He laughs “How do you know what direction we’re going?”

“I’m Donna” She smirks.

He can’t help but roll his eyes at her sassiness.

“Ok, we’re here he says, uncovering her eyes to reveal the swimming pool in front of them, the room darkened except for the glow illuminating from the underwater pool lights.

“We’re not getting massages, are we?” She asks, kinking an eyebrow at him, still holding his hand.

“Nope, not tonight anyway,” He smirks “Although, if you’re lucky I might give you one later.”

She smirks at his sexual innuendo.

“I thought it might be nice to have a swim.” He says, pointing towards the water.

“I don’t have my suit.” She shrugs.

“Hmm” He pretends to ponder, “Neither do I.” He says, dropping his robe to the floor to reveal his naked form.

She automatically bites her lip as her eyes take in his body.

Damn she has a sexy man!

“Harvey!” She grins, “what if someone comes?”

“You mean besides you?” He teases, earning himself a big smile from her. “So?” He shrugs, “Let them watch” He grins.

She subconsciously bites her lip again as she tries to decide whether to join him.

As if she isn’t going to she thinks to herself as she lets her robe fall to the floor next to his.

She smiles at him, shrugging her shoulders as she moves towards the pool, descending the steps in to the water with a giggle, Harvey close behind her.

Donna wades deeper in to the pool, turning around to face Harvey, her breasts still exposed as the water touches just underneath them. He moves to meet her, clutching her face in his hands as he kisses her passionately.

Harvey moves his hand down her neck, towards her breast, squeezing it firmly as her fingers dig deeper in to his back. His hand travels from her breast, down her toned stomach to her thigh as he assists her when she instinctively wraps her legs around his waist; a soft moan escapes her as she feels his deliciously hard length rub against her.

Donna pushes against his torso, freeing herself from his grasp as she swims away underwater; Harvey naturally following her. When she reaches the end of the pool she turns around, swimming back towards him, his hands automatically reaching out for her as she swims back in to his embrace; gripping his head as he pulls her towards him for another kiss.

They slowly move to the surface, searching for oxygen, water cascading over the muscles of his back as he reaches the surface first, pulling her up with him, only breaking their kiss to allow oxygen in to their lungs. His hands move to her waist, lifting her slightly as she wraps her legs around him once more, allowing him to slide inside her this time.

The feeling of him stretching her elicits a whimper from her, as he begins to move inside her slowly; her grip on him tightening with each languid thrust.

“So fucking tight” He moans against her mouth as she steadies herself by grabbing his shoulder, his hands move from her face to her torso as she wraps her arms around him tightly.

“God, you feel so good” She murmurs against his lips before her tongue begs for entrance to his mouth. Her hand grips his hair tightly, appreciating every thrust inside her as she relishes each touch.

Harvey’s tongue moves against her own before breaking away, instructing her to take a breath before pulling her underneath the water with him, his hand finding her clit to rub firmly.

Donna has never felt anything like it, briefly removing something as vital as breathing somehow enhances every other sense she has, overwhelmed by complete euphoria has Harvey continues his actions.

“Oh fuck” He breathes as they come up for air.

“Yes! Fuck, Harvey,” She moans, gripping his back tightly, “Come for me” She demands against his mouth, their hot breaths mingling. “I want you to come for me.”

Donna’s back hits the side of the pool as Harvey pins her against the wall, one hand gripping her waist tightly while the other rubs her clit as he continues to fuck her as hard as he can.

The sound of Donna’s moans echo through the room as she hits her peak, her orgasm ripping through her as Harvey begins to unravel himself, his moans overtaking her own as he manages a few more thrusts before emptying inside her.

“Oh, my Gooood” she drawls out, struggling to steady her breathing as he attempts to regulate his own. “That was amazing.” She moans, utterly satisfied.

“I love you baby” He says softly, pressing soft kisses against her lips.

“I love you too”

As they regain their composure, Harvey pulls out of her gently.

“How do I let you talk me in to these things?” She giggles.

“Told you babe, good looks and charm” He winks, offering her his trademark grin.

“I am definitely in trouble then” She whispers, pressing her lips against his softly.

[thvnderclovds]

Dear You,

I don’t know where to start, but I hope you know when our friendship fell apart. I know you may think I overshare my stories, and I seem narcissistic for it but if I remember correctly, I was never one to share about problems in highschool. If anything, no one knew me. Everyone saw me as the girl who never had problems. Never went through anything. Nobody knew whether or not I was going through a rough time. The first time all of you saw me cry was on that basketball night by the garden. I held all of my emotions and problems in, that I had to break that one night. I went through a lot, and nobody knew about it. I felt so alone, but I was so used to it that I never even bothered to tell anyone anything. That night, I felt vulnerable and I felt uneasy about whether or not I open up. None of you know why I really cried that night up until this day. I remember everyone telling me that I should start opening up, but now that I have opened up, it seems like I still can’t please anyone because it seems like I overshare. I have worked hard on finally letting everything out, only for you to see me as someone who is ‘self-centered’. I’m sorry if it felt that way to you, but when I open up, I open up. I was never one to open up to people individually. I’m not usually the type to open up to only one person through the socials. I always seem to struggle to open up in real life even - but somehow being in groups gives me the confidence to always open my mouth and say something. I know that I concerned a lot of you in highschool, just because I never opened up. And I wanted to change that. I changed myself so none of you would ever have to worry - that none of you would feel untrustworthy. I remember how betrayed Pauline was when she found out I was going through something. And in the years we have known each other, not once did I show her my vulnerability. It hit me when she called herself a useless friend - and that’s when I began to really consider opening up to everyone. I decided against my selfishness of keeping my secrets and problems all to my self. But this is where I was also wrong for trusting everyone.

Camille, I don’t know if you recall but I would like to really point out specifically where it all began. Where you had lost my trust, where you hurt me most, and where you really lost me. It was always me, you and Khweny. Maybe I was a little M.I.A because I still struggled to really trust and be around people so much, and because of the fact that both of you were already bestfriends - but we’ve always been together. Because of this, I thought I could trust DKC with all my heart. I opened up about my thoughts. 2016-2018 was probably one of my toughest years. I had thoughts I didn’t want to entertain no matter what - but they got stronger each time. I had to open up about it. I wrote a letter about it too. All of it was a mistake. I really thought I could trust you. This is the night I regret most. Not only did I lose you as a friend, but I lost my relationship with my family. I was already trying to build a better relationship with my family, but somehow, I still end up losing it. I never knew trusting you would really make an impact on my relationship with my family. I knew sooner or later I would have to face my reality and open up to my family, but instead I went to my friends thinking I needed to say it to you guys before my own family. I felt like it was a better option. It wasn’t. I had no idea the words that came out from mouth would soon come out from my Mom. I had no idea my secret was for everyone to share. I had no idea I would lose everything all because of a secret. It hurt being confronted by my Mom. It hurt to hear her say those words I feared most. I don’t think you even understood just how much it hurt to hear her say those words. What hurt most was you telling me it wasn’t a big deal. That you were concerned about me which was why you decided to tell your family. I trusted both you and Khweny to keep it a secret. I was wrong for trusting you. You had no right to tell anyone anything. I chose you and her to keep it quiet, but you chose to take advantage. You chose to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, like I shouldn’t over-react. Let me tell you this. My mom thinks she lacks as a mother because of that secret. I can no longer cry in front of my mom when there is a laptop near me - she will only think I’m writing letters again. She’s constantly paranoid, thinking that I may be thinking thoughts again. I can not express my feelings in front of her. It ruined the way she looked at me. It ruined the way I looked at myself. I always felt the guilt everytime I was around your family. In the back of my head, I’m always constantly thinking ‘they know’. In the back of my head I’m constantly thinking of how overdramatic I am for even having those thoughts. I felt disgusted with myself for the longest time. It affected my relationship with my family, and with you. I lost all of my trust. I used to talk so comfortably about my problems with you one on one - but since it happened, I think you can feel just how much I’ve distanced myself from opening up to you. It may not seem like a big deal to you then, but even now I still feel like it has done enough for me to really break.I lost my confidence. I lost the bond I once had with my family. There’s a barrier. It’s a lot harder for me to talk to them without feeling the guilt. It will always be in the back of my mind. I am constantly reminded that I can’t express my feelings in-front of my Mom anymore. I now have to lie and say that I’m crying over a Facebook video, or an anime - or Netflix. I can no longer say I’m not okay, because I know deep down, that if I say so, my Mom will think I’m trying to kill myself. I don’t know how to express my feelings at home anymore. It used to be the most comfortable and safe place to be when I’m down - now I can’t express in my own room. I have to let things in. I overshare now because I can’t share my saddest times at home. I overshare now because I’m constantly just trying to remind myself that I have to share something or else I’m too mysterious again. I overshare my stories without sharing what’s really going on to distract the fact that I really do have problems deep down - because I’m too afraid to show vulnerability. I overshare because it’s the only thing I can share anymore. I can only show the surface, but not what’s down under. I’m too afraid that if I share about what really goes on, it might break me. I won’t lie, it caused me trauma. I’ve always trusted the wrong people, and I never knew you would be one of them. It hurt to think that one of my bestfriends would become one, but I had to face the reality somehow.

Overtime I tried to trust you again, only to find out it has happened again. I found out through Gampi. I had no idea you were telling my life stories with him. I don’t recall sharing my life-stories with Gampi, but somehow he managed to confidently tell me everything one by one whilst Runa was genuinely confused. I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but that night - I genuinely saw the difference between my friendship with you, and my friendship with Khweny. It hurt to hear Gampi recall everything out perfectly in detail. I was lost and I was confused as to why my stories had to be shared with everyone. I never once told any of my previous lovers about your life explicitly. I would only just mention what is on the surface. Who your current lover was, and where you met. I never once told them about your personal problems with your lovers, nor did I mention anything to make your lovers look bad - nor did I talk about any of your deepest secrets or life stories. I ensured to only mention the good each and everyone of them had so they wouldn’t have to look at them any differently. Those negative problems are for you to share, not mine. I would never share anything that would change the way people look at a person. It turns out that you couldn’t do the same for me. That hurt me the most. I knew I couldn’t trust you again.

That is probably why you feel like I’m not trying to be there for you. I don’t reach out to you quite a lot, but if anything, I do reach out to others to ask if you were alright. You lost my trust, but you never lost my love for you. I still cared about you. I was overprotective behind your back, always trying to do work behind your back. I’ve always been overprotective, and I know that you know how I am when it comes to protecting people. I come off strong, and I come off as someone who is just trying to fight. But when have I ever been wrong about a person? I was often viewed as the bad guy, but who was really wrong about Claire, Zero, Sakuragi and the other people who ended up showing their true colours in the end? I try to do something before it hurts any of you. I’ve always wanted to be there for both you and Khweny, but could never bring myself to message you anymore. That rope you and I once had, broke. But that does not mean I no longer care about you, because I do - and even up until this day I would not want you to get hurt. I know you’re happy, and I know you want to trust this guy. But know that I was once in your position.

I don’t think you understand just how traumatising it was for me. Up until this day, I don’t know if Marce is really who he says he is. I will never know - but what I do know was that I fucked myself over someone who said they loved me but couldn’t sacrifice enough to keep me. I chose him over me. I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know I was lowering my standards all for the sake of his so called love. I was asking for bare minimum and still got lied to in turn. It hurts to think that you’ve already been lied to by Gampi and Obet - and yet again, here you are putting yourseslf in the same situation you were in. You may not see the red flags, trust me, it doesn’t hit you until one actually shows up. I ignored signs, maybe because I was stubborn and blinded. Maybe because I loved him too much. I was lying to myself. I loved who he said he was. I’d be stupid to say I loved him, because honestly, I still don’t think he is who he says he is. I endured 8 more months with Marce despite the lies. I had seen signs at 7 months already, but I chose to ignore them. When the first red flag hits, you lose yourself. Slowly, you lose everything else too once other red flags start to appear. Trust me, it felt like shit. I felt worthless, but like I said, that didn’t matter to me because I loved him. I thought he loved me. But what I realise from the next guys who did love me, was that they have proven their love for me. They gave actions, not words. They may have made bad decisions in the end, but every single one of them proved their love for me. I realise now that Marce may not have actually loved me, but actually only loved the idea of me - the idea of having someone like me; someone who gave him enough attention, enough love to make him feel good, to satisfy what he lacked and never had from anyone else. I filled that void for him. I did the most only to lose myself in the process. It took me awhile to finally learn just how much I’m really worth. It took me awhile to really realise I was never in the wrong for the way I acted towards him when he started lying. A girl would never act up unless she was given a reason to. He gave me every reason to bring out the worst in me. Trust me when I say you do not want someone to bring out the worst in you - because after the breakup, you will blame yourself. You will question your worth - you will question whether or not someone else out there will love you again. But at the end of the day, there will always be someone who will try to love you. There will always be someone else. I was afraid that Marce was the only one who will love me. The only one who could give me the love I wanted - I was wrong. There were so many guys who did better. Love I deserved. They may have done me wrong, but boy did they love me the way Marce should’ve. I can’t invalidate Marce’s efforts, but I can invalidate his love for me. They were never real. He couldn’t keep me, and that was his choice. He knows it too - because if he didn’t, he would never have asked for forgiveness. He would never have come back to rekindle whatever friendship we had left. He knew he fucked up. He knew he could’ve done better, but he was too late. I hope you know that you should never have to beg someone for their love. As much as I hate to say this, I really can not trust Ethan. The things he says and the things he does to you only reminds me of how Marce was with me. I see myself in you. I experienced everything. I know you want to trust him, but please know that if he truly loved  you - his trauma or reasons should never hold him back, his love for you should always be the priority. His love for you should overshadow whatever fear he has. Proving you wrong may not be easy, but loving you should be. If he’s afraid to lose you, he will do whatever he can to keep you. I’ve only just learnt that now. I see what real love is like. I see how genuine Neil has been with me. I see how different his love is for me. I love myself more when I’m with him. You should love yourself more when you’re with Ethan, but I see that you struggle to do so too. I see that you are constantly fighting your demons when it comes to Ethan. I know you say he makes you happy, but that is just a temporary feeling. The pain that comes when you lose yourself over a man is a feeling that will be permanent. That’s why I have been too uneasy of love. I have lost trust in love. I still am hesitant when it comes to love - because the pain I felt will always be there. It will always haunt me. I do not want you to think I don’t want you to be happy, because I do. I believe you deserve that. I also believe that you deserve better. A man should never be contended with just phonecalls and texts. You already have distance keeping you apart, and the only way to get closer is to see each other through the camera. It’s where you can both see expressions - it’s where you both fall in love with each other more. It’s where you see the real them. It hurts to think that you allow his words to get to you. I know love is all about trust. Actions do speak louder than words. He’s the one courting you. He’s the one who wanted to be with you, he’s the one who initiated your relationship - he knows what he’s doing. If he wasn’t ready to be vulnerable and sacrifice what he has for his lover, what was the point in him looking for love if he was never going to do the most to keep them? He was looking for love, looking for an interest - which was why he came to you. He knew what he was getting into. He’s already twenty-five, he should know better what to sacrifice. He should know that love is all about sacrifice. You’re already sacrificing your trust and your friends for him, but what has he sacrificed to give you worth more than the trust and your friendship you have with us? He knows what you’re losing to keep him, but what is he losing to keep you? Look for yourself & I hope you will find the answers. Khweny and I will be fine. We have done what we could to keep you safe, to ensure you’re away from heartbreak - but what else can we do when you’re already set with what you want. We’re aware we can’t do much, and this is where we let you find answers for yourself. I hope you find it, and I hope it’s worth what you’re going through. I hope Khweny and I were wrong all along, and I wish you nothing but the best. Always remember to never settle for empty words and empty promises. Settle for what you deserve. Never beg for the love you deserve - it should be given to you without hesitation. I know you can achieve many things, so go do your best. Only you know what’s right for you. Take care.

[leafallsonelines]

Bizarre Love Triangle

I'm not sure what this could mean I don't think you're what you seem I do admit to myself, that if I hurt someone else Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be  -New Order

I didn't want to get into a relationship.

He wore me down and soon enough I was the one crazy about him. I always answer to the undefinably strong pull toward a certain person. I was soul weary and needed a break from emotional turmoil. When you meet somebody else, they're the main character of their own love story (just like I am in mine; as it should be). I'm privy to fact that we all have a history, especially when dating in your late 20's and 30's. I wasn't ready for our stories to collide.

I desperately wanted to avoid cluttering my life with someone else's relationship baggage when I haven't even taken care of mine. He campaigned hard for the relationship. I went for it.

Despite my better judgment I always cave—give in to that desire — anticipate and absorb the pain that inevitably follows.

I told you that story to tell you this one.

Back in 2014 the term Cool Girl ™ was coined to describe women who change their personality for male approval. (The shtick is contrived and annoying once you spot it.) She doesn't have a solid sense of self and basks in attention to fill. That void; hoards men like Thanksgiving hams and gets territorial when she's not The Girl. She gets kicks from seeing how uncomfortable she can make other girls by openly flirting with their boyfriends just to watch them squirm. This act is so played out most people have an eye roll ready for anyone flying the “I'm not like other girls” banner. (Gen Z now calls them Pick-Me-Girls ™.)

I crossed paths with one in 2018 — my boyfriend's best friend of sixteen years. A self-indulgent, selfish friendship. I wasn't initially jealous, didn't interrupt, and it came back to bite me; it was hideously unfair.

For storytelling purposes let's call her “Kate Luu.” Kate, an incestuous tigermom who gets jealous of any girl her son gets with, a petulant toddler that would rather break a toy than let someone else play with it. Probably has BPD. Definitely needs a good therapist.

Like a lot of dewy eyed girls newly in love I conveniently dismissed the red flags around my boyfriend and Kate. I had empathy for them because of my past platonic friendships with flirty undertones. Guys would respectfully fall back when they got into relationships or if I Was in one. I struggled with the slow withdrawal of warmth, missed the emotional intimacy, but recognized it as the right call and moved on. A lot of young adults exploring their sexuality go through this. As I got older I favored female friendships for being uncomplicated, preferring to avoid unwanted sexual tension.

Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.

A couple weeks after celebrating our one year anniversary Kate texts me, “We need to talk.” Alarms immediately go off in my head. The last few months I had started bringing attention to the bad vibe I was getting and the inappropriate nature of the relationship. I got tired of biting my tongue. He didn't know how to process it or correct it. His lingering infatuation with her made it impossible for him to distance himself or enforce new boundaries. He started hiding it instead. I caught him being intentionally ambiguous about his plans when going to see her. He fumbled himself into an emotional affair.

Princess Diana famously described her marriage to Charles as “crowded.” It was an unmistakable reference to his affair with Camilla. Looking back the (justifiable) anxiety I had was from being crowded. Intuition is not insecurity.

I met Kate for coffee and she read aloud a pathetic five page letter telling me I'm a bad girlfriend and “full of shit.” She was intervening on his behalf as the person who knows what's best for my boyfriend.

“It's none of your business.”

But no, she has the authority to interfere as his best friend of  sixteen years  and I was a  one year  nothing. She brought up the fact he was attracted to her first, told me I'm spineless and ruining their friendship with my insecurity. (She _really _ran with the words spineless and insecure.)

Accusations are confessions when they come from a manipulative person. Textbook projection. She was mad her narcissistic supply was tapering off. (Gaslighting Pro-tip: Label rightful jealousy as insecurity.)

My boyfriend gave her personal, intimate details of my life during their oversharings and she used that information to bully me. Nothing was off the table, including my sexual history. I can see how she manipulated him, but it was inexcusable. People who enable They leave the door open for endless rows of inappropriate behavior. All of this was happening behind my back for a year. That kind of intimate toxicity are suckers for ego massages.

Don't you just love a story where the villain puts all the evidence of her misdeeds in one letter and unravels into epic, illogical rage all in one afternoon, in the space of two hours?

How did Kate have time to write five pages of false narratives designed to destroy a relationship she was jealous of? She doesn't have a job. She's a pampered dog mom living in her rich fiancé's house for free. A busybody performatively taking care of other people to avoid a mountain of personal issues. (An unevolved Virgo.)

Don't worry about what I'm doing. Worry about why you're worried about what I'm doing.

Kate has many noticeable traits as an obnoxious, self-important person — an absolute fake. She calls herself a _philanthropist _without having done anything philanthropic or even knowing how to use the word; she literally saw a big SAT word that means good person and attached Herself to it. (A word assigned to big charitable donors like Bill Gates, not bloggers). She has the same relationship with the word “unconventional” and thinks using a bigger word for unique or quirky makes her even more unique and quirky. Nope, still basic.) In place of possessing any actual humor she repeats memorized dad jokes and leans into corny, forced puns. If this isn't annoying enough she then insists she's funny. (Funny people just make you laugh. They never have to tell people they're funny. Barfs in, “I speak fluent sarcasm.”)

If I poked a finger through her shallow veneer I'd find loose dirt and dog shit.

And you know what? I'm not even against intense friend love. I get it. I groove to “One Love.” Emotional freedom is important. Expressions of love are multitudinous. It should transform to fit the situation. She didn't respect basic boundaries to make room for all of us to be comfortable. She was just mad she got demoted and tried to burn the whole thing down.

Kate wanted to be the main character in my boyfriend's love story without ever actually dating him. Oh yes, I know — the audacity, the toxic lack of boundaries, the mind numbing arrogance. She's not even protagonist material — a papier-mâché hipster who got her personality from an Urban Outfitters catalog and can't stop contradicting herself despite the fact she is working off a pre-written letter. I have never encountered someone who thought so highly of herself while having almost no substance. She calls herself a writer , but is just a pseudo-intellectual English major who posts aesthetic word salad on Instagram.

Later on I realized that if someone is mean to you unprovoked it's jealousy. One of the catalysts for the meetup was a heartfelt anniversary post I wrote on Instagram. It's not my usual style, but I felt gushy and really went full blown poetic and swoony She's jealous that her own, brought up love and Birth of Venus, blah blah blah. She mentioned my IG post and even admitted it was poetic and well written, but proceeded to use that as the jumping off point to invalidate the love in it. writing is try-hard drivel; a woman in her thirties mentally stuck in 2011 tumblr cringe.

If she truly wanted him she should have pursued him honestly and not wait to mess with another person. Hell, even just owning up to her feelings and saying, “I realize I may have lost my chance with you. Is there still anything in our sixteen year history that makes you want to give us a shot instead? ”à la My Best Friend's Wedding. Treading some moral gray area, but way more acceptable than actively sabotaging a relationship.

She didn't really want him though. She just wanted to continue their friendship in that inappropriate flirtationship space to feed her ego. After the coffee date she ended their friendship in an email. That really important sixteen year friendship became disposable to her once she wasn't able to control it.

Sometimes trash does the public service of loudly identifying itself as trash and takes itself out.

If you're a female best “friend” to a guy in a relationship and you need to flex on “I was here first” and “We did this before you were in the picture,” then you were never interested in seeing that friend thrive in a romantic relationship. You just get off on being his favorite unfulfilled option. If seeing him in love with someone new has you feeling that miserable you're just being selfish. Real love doesn't overstep in a new relationship so you can hog their spotlight. You're not even a friend; you're a skunk marking your territory and keeping him in the friendzone while not really wanting him to have a girlfriend.

You learn to love somebody in their love language and not just yours. Selfish love is not real love. That's just using someone to fill a place. Maybe a distraction. Seeking anything in return isn't real love because if you want that you actually don't have love to give; it's fake; it's toxic. If there's someone who isn't around anymore and you miss them consider the fact that you might just miss the place they held in your life. (You have the freedom to fill that space anyway you want.)

She realized she burned through all her goodwill thus the sudden ghosting and extracting herself. I never asked my partner to pick me or issued any ultimatums. Sometimes important questions stay unanswered. Sometimes you have to move on without the apology you deserve. There is grief in never receiving closure.

My partner finally saw my concerns validated in the aftermath. I bubbled with rage remembering excuses he made for her. Day in and day out I was drinking from an overflowing cup of righteous anger. So what was his role in this? Stupid or co- conspirator?

He was oblivious.

“I can't believe you could've left me for a wannabe influencer.”

I switched my phone wallpaper from his picture to a solid color. Looking at his face filled me with disgust. There's only so much letting go you can ask someone to do. I knew I still loved him, but anytime a woman is hurt she becomes less interested.

How do you recover from unknowingly letting a toxic bitch walk all over and jeopardize your relationship?

Friends told me to move on, date other people. He campaigned for the relationship again. We did the work of picking up the pieces and starting over. 

I'm not pretending to be perfect. I was reeling from back to back traumas. My soft spots turned hard and cynical. It was my turn to be the toxic one. I drove to work sobbing everyday for a month. I complained constantly. My default became anxious and suspicious. I'm so out of touch with the person I was before; she's a stupidly innocent, free-spirited stranger to me. It took time for the poison leach out.

It's a lot of baggage.

The couples who make it aren't always the ones that never had a reason to break up. They're the ones that decide their commitment to each other is more important than their mistakes. Fast forward to the herculean effort he made to earn back my trust and we're still very happily together. (This is published with his permission.)

Our relationship is more grounded in reality now. It's not crowded anymore. Somethings more precious from having almost been lost. Somethings will never be the same. I'm the villain in her story, just as much as she's the villain in mine. We get to live out our own endings and there is peace in that.

Hurtful, painful, memories. Memories of deep regrets, memories of hurting and being hurt. Memories of being abandoned. Only those with such memories buried in their hearts can become stronger, more passionate, and emotionally flexible. Only those can obtain happiness. So Don't forget any of it. Remember it all and overcome it. If you don't overcome it, you'll always be a kid whose soul never grows.  -The Boy Who Fed On Nightmares

[scannain]

The New Music is a new Irish feature film currently in post-production. The film aims to shine a light on Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease, a rare and little known condition which affects people under fifty.

Young Parkinson’s Ireland, which was set up in 2016, suspect that there may be at least 500 undiagnosed sufferers of Young Onset Parkinson’s in the country. Sufferers who may be reluctant to come forward due to a self or socially imposed stigma as Parkinson’s Disease has been traditionally seen as a “old person’s” disease.

The film, which is written and directed by Italian native Chiara Viale, follows the struggles of Adrian, a young gifted musician , who leaves home and heads to Dublin in an attempt to deal with the news of his diagnosis. Despite this debilitating condition, Adrian (played by Dublin-born actor Cilléin McEvoy) joins a punk band as a keyboard player and rediscovers his life through music and friendship.

Filming was completed at the end of 2017 and the production team have launched a crowd-funding campaign to reach out to the public to help them fund the post-production expenses of the film – editing, sound, music, marketing and festival entries. 20% of all funds raised will go directly to Young Parkinson’s Ireland in addition to all future income from the film.

Scannain caught up with Viale to talk about about her background in film and her motivations for making The New Music

Chiara Viale- Writer/Director of The New Music

How did you originally get involved in Filmmaking? I started writing when I was very young and I have always been passionate about cinema. After finishing my BA in English in foreign language and literature I moved to Ireland and joined the Dublin Filmmakers Collective where I developed my first scripts and had my first on-set experiences. At the same time, I started developing my own independent projects: in 2016 I produced, wrote and directed my first short film Be Frank which was nominated for the Rising Star award at the Underground Cinema Awards in 2017. Also in 2017 I produced, wrote and directed the short Clown and produced the short Clear The Air  which are currently in post production.

And what brought you to Ireland? I’ve been in love with Ireland since I first visited as a teenager. After secondary school I spent a year in Dublin working as an au-pair to improve my English. I had always entertained the thought of coming back to Ireland and I finally moved to Dublin in 2015. I am in love with the creative atmosphere that can breath in this country and the extraordinary people I met along the way. I don’t believe my dreams and aspirations could find a better place than Ireland to become a reality.

Where did the core idea for The New Music originate? My approach to writing is strongly related to feelings and emotions and more often than not the concepts of my stories are born through an image, which conveys a certain feeling. The New Music is no exception: I imagined a character who is lying to himself and the people he cares about and although he knows that these lies can ruin everything he has and loves, he can’t stop. Telling the truth is simply too hard for him to handle, because it would force him to face his own fear.

I envisioned a character with an incurable illness which he hides from everyone and that is eating away at him from the inside. Then I created a starting environment for him that would completely clash with the situation he finds himself in and I imagined something to cure his fear and give him a new prospective on life. This is a film about friendship and it shows that help can often come from people who are not necessarily trying to understand, but who show a way out of suffering by simply being a good, reliable influence.

I wanted to create a story with believable characters dealing with issues that everyone experiences sooner or later in life. I wanted to paint a picture of Dublin exactly as it is right now, and how it is to live in a shared house where everyone forgets to buy toilet paper or to get lost using the Dublin map. I wanted to tell the story of all the people who are trying to make art and music here while coping with our money-controlled society.

What is your connection to Young Parkinson’s , why did you choose this particular condition? Adrian is a pianist and his talent is expressed through the use of his hands. I wanted his illness to target his ability to play and after a short research, I discovered Young Onset Parkinson’s, a rare form of Parkinson’s that affects people under the age of 50. Parkinson’s is widely considered a disease that affects the elderly, and I was surprised to learn that lots of young people all over the word are suffering from it.

At this early stage I decided that The New Music had to be about this illness and it could contribute to raise awareness and shine a light on this condition.

Together with Philip Kidd (Producer, Director of Photography, Editor) we decided to contact the Parkinson’s Association of Ireland, who put us in touch with Young Parkinson’s Ireland, with whom we’ve been working with ever since. Representatives of Young Parkinson’s Ireland read and approved the script at pre-production stage and we are currently developing the film in association and close contact with them. At the end of 2017 we started a crowdfunding campaign to cover the post-production expenses of The New Music, 20% of which is being donated to Young Parkinson’s Ireland. Furthermore, we will donate any future income of the film to this association and use the film for charity purposes.

I also have a very close personal experience with rare diseases as my father passed away in 2013 after having MSA (Multiple System Atrophy) a rare neurological disease for which, like Parkinson’s, there is no ultimate cure. In this script I dealt with feelings that my family and I experienced first hand. I also attempted to give my interpretation of what someone afflicted by an incurable disease might feel, and how the ensuing feelings and behaviours impact everyone around them. I hope that The New Music will have the power to bring people together and create a space where these issues can be discussed, as well encourage a conversation around both living and dealing with rare diseases.

Munky- Irish Punk Band

So obviously music plays a huge part in the film, can you tell me more about that? The second constitutive element of my writing has always been music. I consider it a huge source of inspiration and The New Music is fulfilling my dream of writing a story that revolves around music from beginning to end.

In the last few years I’ve been influenced a lot by punk music as a genre but mostly in terms of lifestyle and attitude. The film itself was produced with a strong DIY mindset and the narrative arc of the main character freely represents my own discovery of punk music as a form of liberation and a way to fully express myself artistically. During the writing process I’ve been influenced by bands such as Bomb The Music Industry! , The Smith Street Band, Fugazi, Black Flag, Bad Brains, The Menzingers and Bangers.

Music is the passion shared by all the main characters of the story and it permeates every scene. It firstly represents the desperation felt by Adrian, then it slowly becomes what carries him through the darkness towards the light and a new version of himself. The film shows two types of music that are usually considered opposites: classical and punk. Both play a huge roles in the film and find a way to merge together as the two diametrically different spheres of Adrian’s life find a meeting point. Grand pianos, dusty rehearsal rooms, microphones and wires, music shops and gigs; everything in this film is about music and the love that each character has for it in their own way.

The film features two original songs composed by Zachary Stephenson of Munky and we are currently putting together a soundtrack made of both classical and punk music, featuring mostly unsigned independent artists such as Bangers, Müg (UK) , Antillectual( Netherlands) and Checkpoint, Forgotten Soldier and Declan Byrne who are all from Ireland. Shit Present ( UK) and Irish act Givamanakick are in talks about coming on board.

What are your cinematic influences? I’d imagine Italian cinema plays a big part? I grew up without a TV because my parents were against having one in the house, but we used to have a VHS player attached to a monitor, strictly used to watch films together. Both my parents loved cinema, and I remember watching italian classics of directors such as De Sica, Rossellini, Scola and Tornatore. I also watched cinema classics with my grandparents. I became an avid reader at a young age and soon I started writing my own stories for my friends to read. I took inspiration from books, comics, Japanese cartoons that I would watch with my friends and music. One of my first dream jobs was to write for music videos.

It took a few more years for me to develop a proper taste for cinema, but to this day the vital element of a film to me is still storytelling. I love those films that tell a story the same way as I wish I did, that put an accent on the psychological development of characters and can capture me emotionally. Directors such as Krzysztof Kieślowski, Anton Corbijn, Gus Van Sant, Nicolas Winding Refn, Tony Richardson, Jeff Nichols and Ben Wheatley have been a major influence on me both narratively and aesthetically.

Are there any Irish filmmakers at the moment that you are interested in? I love Jim Sheridan’s films and Martin McDonagh as a filmmaker (and playwright). I also really enjoyed the productions made by Cartoon Saloon. There are a good number of Irish films that I watched through the years and that really stuck with me, such as: Inside I’m Dancing, I Went Down, The Commitments, The Wind That Shakes The Barley, Breakfast On Pluto and Once. I am looking forward to Mark O’Rowe’s The Delinquent Season.

Look out for the trailer for The New Music which is out in the coming weeks. You can follow the cast and crew on their social media channels below and most importantly if you want to donate to the cause just click here.

Follow the film’s progress on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and YouTube.

Cilléin McEvoy – lead

Chiara Viale- director

    The New Music- Upcoming Irish Feature shines a light on Young Onset Parkinson's Disease The New Music is a new Irish feature film currently in post-production. The film aims to shine a light on Young Onset Parkinson's Disease, a rare and little known condition which affects people under fifty.