#fucking loser ass old men. why are they cute. i hate them

[pocketsizedquasar]

soft dudes 💖

based on a screencap from a queer short film sherlock adaptation on youtube (“sherlock holmes and the adventure of the furtive festivity”). another thing i technically drew like two weeks ago but who’s counting

psst you should read my moby dick webcomic

[ID: A digital drawing of Starbuck and Ahab kissing softly, bathed in warm yellow light. Starbuck is a lean white man with light freckled skin and short curly red hair. He has a mustache and scruffy sideburns. He is wearing a cream colored shirt with a deep blue waistcoat and black bow tie. Ahab is a taller, chubby and muscular Persian man with warm brown skin and short, graying dark hair, with a thick beard. He has some scars on his face. He is wearing a white shirt and brown vest with a dark red cravat. He is tugging one of the buttons of Starbuck’s waistcoat closed. They are both smiling into the kiss. Behind them is the impression of a wooden wall.]

[mothmans-wedding-photographer]

Mothman's Buffy Rewatch: Season 2, Episodes 5, 6, and 7 "Reptile Boy", "Halloween" and "Lie to Me"

Reptile Boy

Ok I actually watched this episode last week and forgot to write a post about it lol my bad

Anyway Buffy and Cordelia get drugged! Horrifying!

Damn Giles let Buffy have fun she's fucking 17 and facing death every day

Kind of love Cordelia and Buffy sort of starting a friendship

Is the snake like. A metaphor for dick. Like the club is dangerous because you'll get drugged and then men will take advantage of you with the "snake"?

Especially since its university age men trying to date high schoolers like freaks

And then there's the guy who told buffy not to talk to the snake because she's a woman and then gets the shit beat out of him get fucked shitidiot

I wish he died horribly <3 misogyny is punishable by death if you're a fictional character in my book tbh

Damn they've really been sacrificing women for centuries, i originally thought this was a newer group due to the lack of old people

Halloween

Xander is such a loser lol at least tell Buffy thank you for saving you from getting the lights beat out of him

Cordelia and Angel interactions are so funny to me 😭😭

Honestly I really feel Willow when she feels uncomfortable in revealing clothing. I want to be, but it's hard

Yo Oz and Willow first conversation

Noooo the poor old lady 😭 at least she's fine

Princess Buffy is so silly but kind of annoying and Army Xander is better than real Xander if I'm being honest

I think princess buffy should've had a moment where she accidentally hurt someone or broke something and was surprised and confused because she's just a weak woman (in her words) and she doesn't know she's the slayer

Honestly seeing Buffy like this makes me insanely uncomfortable and I don't know why? I'm just not used to it ig

ETHAN THE GUY GILES HAS BEEF WITH I FORGOT ABOUT HIM

GILES JUST FUCKING PUNCHES HIM I LOVE IT

"Hi honey, I'm home :)" iconic but it also made me think of the song "Honey I'm Home"

Beat his ass Buffy! I love to hate Spike

Oz already being infatuated with Willow is so cute

Tbh I think this was a really cool episode concept in general

Lie to Me

Damn this kid knows stranger danger. Almost wasn't enough to save him though rare Angel W

I kind of love Drusilla she's so

Every time Cordelia opens her mouth in class I become violent

Oh Buffy long lost friend? He's gonna be evil for sure

FORD F-150

Xander and Angel both being threatened by a man who knows Buffy, get a life

Lmfao the lonely ones

"Ours is a forbidden love." Lmfao

Spike possessive moment. I do appreciate when he realizes he's hurt drusilla he apologizes, good boyfriend I guess

Ah man fuck Ford <3 I hope he dies

"I don't deserve to die" yes you do <3

Ain't no way he's calling Buffy out because she didn't know he has a terminal illness when he's about to commit MASS MURDER 😭

Buffy don't apologize he sucks

God everything about this man pisses me off more than the average Buffy villain of the week

I love how much Spike actually cares about Dru

"Uh. Where's the doorknob" his tone was so funny to me

Lol get fucked Ford

NOOO HE DOESNT DESERVE FLOWERS

WAIT THEY ACTUALLY TURNED FORD LMFAO

Ok I understand hes afraid and he has a horrible illness and it's complicated and whatever it's just Everything about him pisses me off so much and I refuse to feel sympathy. Idk it's interesting what horrible circumstances leads people to due though, I think this episode has a lot to think about I'm just a hater

"Lie to me." "Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guy are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everyone loves happily ever after." I'm fucking sobbing this line gets me so hard

[lnlii-archive]

GOD. watching radfem blogs who follow me slowly slipping into just straight up far-rightism...it’s absolutely bonkers buck wild. like i’m sorry but i need to rant about the fact that yall claim to be feminists but openly mock ‘weak’ or ‘effeminate’ liberal men and call them ‘cucks’ or whatever right along with the far right...why is it a trend that yall would rather reblog from some incel that post roe v wade reversal changed his description to ‘good luck murdering the unborn now, whores’ than reblog from a leftist trans woman? wtf is wrong with you?

i think some of yall deep down have some serious internalized Trad values that you have yet to confront and you’re just clinging to radical feminism because it is the last ~cool~ and ~subversive~ way to be Trad without having to be like the Stinky Trump Supporters. or the last way to be Trad without having to confront that actual pathetic lifestyle for what it is.

why do i regularly see women who follow me go on rebog sprees from these nasty Trad incels who like. openly hate women and are openly against abortion? do you seriously think that pepe frog icon who posts pictures of 15 year old brides with 55 year old husbands outside a dilapidated cottage in the middle of ass fuck nowhere is going to see your blog and Come To The Light because your ass is so fat he can’t resist? yall are so utterly pathetic thirsting for Trad Christian Cock going through these nasty ass blogs from people who don’t see you as human and rebogglinig memes and like Cute Animal Pics from them in between posts about catholicism and the birth rate and Uncle Joe’s Dementia and shit. he is not going to eat you out. he is not going to start preferring his women older than 15. i would bet $74389217489031 that these men are making fun of thirsty, hairy radfems in private groupchats right now. like if you want to work on Converting someone then direct your energy at WOMEN because those are the people getting hurt by Trad shit. those are the people getting taken advantage of and married off to be property for drunkard losers. but i guess that’s boring because it’s more fun to post about your wet pussy after reblogging 4738910 posts from some guy with Pepe With an AK-47 as his icon because then that man might notice you and think briefly of wanting to fuck you. yall are so desperate it’s pathetic, and i say this as a het radfem. simply date a liberal man who respects you. it’s not difficult <3

[blackleopardgirl]

He's so aggravating - i typed this 12 hours ago in class

 Y’all have no idea how badly I wish Arlind would get it together like oh my god! I want him to act and behave like a rich Albanian so badly it’s insane! I want him to have rich parents who work in business, real estate, or medicine, GIVE ME SOMETHING! I want them to be from yes @lbania but from Montenegro, they aren't even from a nice house back home. Please save me, he doesn’t wear cute clothes a lot, and doesn’t drive a relatively new car AT ALL! The only thing he has going for him is that he has a beard and works so he isn’t a total loser. 

  Why didn’t his parents encourage him to go to university? All he had to do was major in business- something so simple it would’ve been an easy 4 years. What annoys me about Arlind the most might be that he has the capabilities to do well in school, I can tell. His brothers also didn’t go to school, they just work and married @lbanian women, I think one is from Europe the other one I just found out she’s actually American but they both married very young and I doubt they had weddings. He didn’t even care when he was in high school so I know he didn’t care in time enough to get into a university. It’s just that he is smart, he is capable, and he’s SO social when he wants to be. He could’ve made friends easily! I know he could have. He could’ve even dated or had relationships with other women at his university.

   I have no idea which friends he has, I swear he hangs out with some of his old friends from Harisson, but others of them are like these slightly older @lbanian men that work with him and haven’t gone to school either. I sadly don’t see him working any less or making any more money in the future. He only has a high school diploma and I doubt he has any connections to any guys like Viktor’s older brother or some of his friends. Or even Ardit or the other @lbanian guys he was friends with. I swear they’re all doing better than him, he’s the only one that’s a mess but somehow he’s the one that of course I had to form a strong bond with. He smokes weed like once a day, his car even smells like weed and the only saving grace for him is that he isn’t in his early 20s still drinking and smoking every weekend with like younger people or trashy people that live in our area. I hate this for me truly. 

  His social media presence is fucking embarrassing because he’s thirsty under so many girls photos and doesn’t have legitimate standards for women it’s humiliating. Half the time the women who he’s into and follows on IG don’t follow him back and when they do follow him it’s because his desperate ass follows them first. I’m not so angry that he isn’t thinking about a serious girlfriend right now, now I know the full story. He can’t settle down because he would have too much of a wandering eye and he doesn’t believe that that’s appropriate for dating a girl. Which is very respectful and thoughtful of other women that he has in his life that he really likes and could see himself seriously dating.

He’s so aggravating I don’t know where to begin.

[slasherscream]

Reader gets stood up at prom ghostface boys to the rescue

(A/N): oh prom was my nightmare so this was so self indulgent to think about thanks fam

They were getting around to asking you they fucking swear on god and they were ....enraged would be putting it lightly, when some random fucking loser asked you before they could.

Listen they were just trying to take it slow to go easy on you. Like slowly heating up the water around a frog instead of dropping them into boiling water to begin with. 

You're out here thinking you've got #the two best friends in the world meanwhile they're trying to make a teenage spouse out of you but the best laid plans of dumb teenage boys often go awry. 

Even though it's totally fine to do so (and the norm for you) you were feeling strange about asking if you could be a tag-a-long for them for prom night of all things.

Them including you on all their date nights and hang-outs are one thing but being a third wheel for the most romantic/cutesy night for teenagers is something you cannot fucking parse.

You had even started secretly thinking of staying home alone that night, which you know everyone in your life would've been strongly against but what're they gonna do? Throw you into a fancy tux/dress and force you to go? 

But then a classmate asked you! Sure it wasn't particularly romantic and you didn't know each other well but they weren't the worst person in the world and they offered to buy your ticket for you and match with your color      so at least you'll be going without feeling like an interloper. 

You rush to tell the boys even though some part of you feels...bummed out you're not going with them but they're a couple and you're all best friends and you know you'll still spend time with them that night so it's fine! Everything's fine! Everything is perfect.

So yes they almost nutted the fuck up when you told them. The look on Stu's face....Billy had to hit him when you weren't looking so he could fix his face by the time you glanced over at him with that cute, excited look of expectancy. 

"That's great, Y/N!" Stu would say, trying to make his smile look as normal as possible. "Who asked you?" Billy would say, grinding his teeth to fucking dust in his mouth and already planning on murdering them brutally. 

It's only when they're alone and planning the murder do they realize they can't do that to you. You got asked to prom and how would you feel if your date happens to become a ghostface victim! They know you...you're so sweet and nice that even though you didn't particularly like the person you'd be staying home for the evening crying and sad. At the very least you'd take it as a "sign" and stay in for the night, if they were lucky.

Despite being the most possessive boys in the world they don't want you looking back at a night that could be special and magical with only the traumatic memory of a dead date. Romance really is real!

So they didn’t kill the lucky bastard who asked you even though they are so upset and bummed out. Stu mopes for the whole week leading up to the day and Billy is a special kind of grumpy asshole. 

But they get to do little prom prep things with you that you probably wouldn't have let them do with you if you were their date for the night and it's cute and montage-y even though they're still really upset. 

Helping you pick out a dress/tux/look and being your hype-men! You step out of the dressing room with something Stu picked for you (fashion icon) and he screams! Billy staring at you w/ eyes that are soft and he couldn't wipe the look off his face if he tried. Deciding your makeup/hair/look for the night with them and they lowkey do everything to match you/look good with you.

Fuck your date, man! They are your date in name only. When you look back at this night they're making 100% you'll only remember them. This is gonna be a funny story you tell your fucking kids together. They wanna throw up whenever you ruin the illusion by asking "Do you think (random ass name) will like this?" Shut up!! Stu will begin to cry he's sensitive. 

You will not be walking out of any store having paid for your own shit that week. Stu insists! He's your 18 year old (unfortunately platonic) sugar daddy. Billy never let's Stu spoil him so you have to deal with Stu's love language, which is gifts, all by yourself you poor baby. 

You're all gonna get ready at your house and you will experience soft moments such as Billy helping you with your hair with the utmost gentleness and making eye contact in the mirror. Or Stu wanting to put your lipstick on and doing a frankly fantastic job but the unbearable tension as he's touching your lip? My dude....

You try to shy out of some of the "leaving the house" pictures so the happy couple can get some alone but all your squirming just winds up with you trapped in-between them and both of them kissing your cheek at the same time. 

Your date elected to not pick you up but meet at the location which made them so fucking angry but at least this way they get more time with you. Your dates on thin fucking ice though since the boys would've done everything to make the night romantic for you ...they are Big Mad. 

You get there and you're looking around for your date and for the longest time can't find them and they're not answering your texts. You're getting nervous but the boys are mostly distracting you while sharing concerned looks over your head. 

Their fears are confirmed when they catch your date making out with their ex and they can't steer you away from them fast enough so you don't notice. Your date has the decency to apologize and look sorry that they did this but you can't work yourself up to being really mad since you didn't really like them anyway. It's just the energy of this happening to you at prom. 

They never knew you could run that fast honestly....

"Y/N? Baby? Are you in here?" The sound of the bathroom door opening immediately followed by the most gentle voice you'd ever heard Stu use in his life. 

You have half a mind to be quiet so that they'll go away and forget their loser best friend and actually have a decent prom night together but you know they'd just waste their whole night looking for you if they couldn't find you. "Yeah ... I'm in here." You sigh, holding your head in your heads. 

A knock on the door and then you hear Billy, "Please come out, sweetheart."

"I'd rather not." 

"Y/N..." Stu trails off not knowing what to say and shooting Billy a panicked look. Before either of them can figure out what to do you speak up again.

"Please go out and enjoy yourselves. You don't have to spend your night coddling me. I'm not the first person to get ditched at prom. I'll survive. It's stupid anyways." 

"It's okay to be upset, Y/N," Billy interjects, what he really wants to do is go kill your date and their dumb ex. Is there anything worse than an on-again-off-again couple? He's already imagining the fun he and Stu will have carving the two up but first they have to make their baby feel better. 

"That was a total dick move of them!" Stu says, trying not to get worked up but failing. "I'll go kick their ass for you right now."

This at least makes you laugh, "No        don't kick their ass. They don't deserve it." 

"Like hell they don't." Billy grunts, "They upset you."

"They got back together with someone they actually liked. I can't hate them for that. We barely knew each other. I just didn't want to come alone and I didn't wanna be your puppy dog tag-a-long the whole night."

This gets immediate reactions.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Billy demands.

"Y/N I'm gonna crawl on the disgusting bathroom floor and come join you in there if you don't open the door right now." Stu says.

After a second of pause where you debate how serious he is (deadly) and then take into account his lack of impulse control you unlock the door and allow it to swing open, "Don't do that. We'd have to burn the tux and you look really good in it." 

You're instantly swept up into two different sets of arm and have to admit you do feel a little better instantly. They have that effect on you. It's a comfort that they're staring at you with affection and concern and not pity. It makes you feel a little less pathetic. You still duck your head into Stu's chest and are allowed this and a moment of silence before Billy grabs you by the chin and makes you look up at them. 

"You're not a fucking tag-a-long and that loser out there was lucky you said yes in the first place." 

"Yeah baby! We woulda loved to have you all to ourselves tonight."

You laugh in a way that's heavy with self-deprecation, "You guys are sweet. That's why you deserve to have one night together that's just you. Especially prom night of all things. Don't you guys ever get tired of me always trailing after you? Don't you ever want a break?" 

They make eye contact and convey some secret message between them that makes you roll your eyes but then Billy's hand moves from your chin to hold your cheek and you freeze up. Stu leans down into Billy and grins at you from over his boyfriend's shoulder as if you're the most adorable thing he's ever seen. 

"You're not our third wheel, babe       we're a pyramid!" Stu chirps.

"Wha-?"

"We were gonna ask you to prom." Billy's thumb begins to rub tender circles along your cheek and you open your mouth to say...anything but he keeps talking, "But jackass out there beat us to it."

"Really?" You ask quietly and Billy bumps his forehead gently against yours, smiling at your shocked expression.

"Really."

"We're crazy about you, babe!" 

"You sure you're not just trying to make me feel better? I promise I'm not gonna fall apart on you or anything." It doesn't come out like a joke as you'd intended and you'd wince at how hopeful and nervous you'd sounded but Billy's lips cover yours. You'd always wondered how it felt to kiss either of them, always having to force your eyes away from them when they often kissed each other. It's a lot like how you imagined, his lips firm and warm against yours and him with total control over the moment in a way that makes your knees weak.

When he finally pulls away you can't bring your eyes to open even when they both chuckle at you. It's Stu leaning forward to playfully nip at your bottom lip that brings you out of the daze and you lean forward to peck him before he can move away. He hums against your lips and you smile into the kiss, playful and sweet. 

"Believe us now?" Stu asks when he pulls away, giving your hair a light tug.

"I might....if you guys dance with me. I think I hear my favorite song."

"Well then-" Billy smirks, pulling away from you but grabbing your hand and Stu's, leading you out the bathroom and back towards the dance, "We gotta go take our girl/boy to dance, Stu."

[sillypandalover91]

Part 2: After the Auction

Alastor wasnt used to losing.

Not in the sense that he would flip over the board of monopoly if someone had stolen Boardwalk and Park Ave. from right under his nose. Though Husk swore that he would never again count cards when playing with Hazbins no matter how hilarious Alastor's face had been when he handed over the last of his colorful paper money to the feline when he landed on the overpriced blue territories.

No, Al wasn't a sore loser.

But this DrAngler44 was a bad winner if he ever saw one.

"Computer offend you again, babe?"

Alastor had gotten into a habit of playing with Angel's laptop while he went through his hour long nighttime ritual of thoroughly bathing himself, drying and dusting his fur and followed by his face routine and ending by brushing his teeth.

The laptop had been a gag gift from Vaggie, who had found it amusing to see the two old men fumble their way trying to figure out how to use it. After figuring out how to set it up, Angel was the first to master searching for things and using helltube. Alastor was more than happy to call it Angel's laptop if it meant he didnt have to continue embarrassing himself trying to figure the damn thing out.

But then Angel, during their nightly cuddles, mentioned finding a funny sounding video on Helltube that one of his fans uploaded recently. It was a haul of his merchandise, both recent and vintage.

And the vintage items certainly caught Alastor's attention. He scrolled down to the comments, smile widening as he figured out how to torment demons in a way that wouldn't upset Charlie. Angel's delighted face as they watched the doe demon unwrap a limited edition trilogy called "Lady Science".

"Holy shit," cried Angel, accidentally jostling Alastor in his excitement, "Sorry, babe."

Alastor rolled over on to his side but kept a hand buried in Angel's fluff, "It's no problem at all, cher. I take that you are fond of this particular installment of your rather impressive repertoire?"

Nodding, Angel turned down the volume but paid careful attention to the goodies that came in the set. "This one was so much fun to do. The director is an incubus, one of Lady Lilliths personal court now, which is a shame cause I loved working with him so much."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he gave me artistic control and even let me write this one! It did so well that we did two more. You should really listen to the commentary on that one, it's a hoot!"

"Do all of your picture shows have commentary?"

"Some of them, yeah. Well, the fun ones do." Angel glanced down at his thighs where the bruises were covered by his pajama pants, "Mostly the ones Val ain't got his nasty little talons in which, these days, they're few'n between."

After that conversation, Alastor borrowed a few films from Angel's library and, with Husk's reluctant help found the commentary.

"I'd ask why you're watching porn of your boyfriend banging other guys but quite frankly I dont give a fuck," grumbled Husk as he took a seat next to him.

Alastor paused the video and gave the feline a side glance, "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"What? It's not like I'm going to beat off with you here and I know your virgin ass isnt going to get off to this either."

Eyes and smile sharpening, Alastor said, "My good fellow, the implication that you are going to, as you crassly put it beat off did not go unnoticed. I'm not going to let you watch my beau in the throes of ecstasy."

Husk snorted, "Why not, all of hell has."

"They're not my friends, Husker. Now, go away. I'd hate to cut our friendship short because you lust after my darling."

At this, Husk spat out his beer, "I- I don't, you know what, I'm not drunk enough to unpack that one. You enjoy," he squinted at the title, "Angel in The Baby Sitter."

"I intend to, old sport~"

One film had turned into two and three, five, until Alastor watched well over half of the videos in Angel's collection.

Who knew Angel was so beautiful when he was genuinely happy and having fun without the use of drugs. Ah, he did! But it was still refreshing to see him this happy when at work.

It was so endearing that he couldnt help but want to see more. Unfortunately there were only so many films left in Angel's library and the newer stuff had Valentino written all over it. So once again enlisting Husk's help, Alastor learned how to use the laptop to find where to buy Angel's earlier work.

"You know you can always ask him to get you more...fucking addict." The last part was muttered under his breath so Alastor ignored it.

After all it wasn't an addiction and it was, well, there were worse things to be addicted to than wanting to hear Angel's witty comments and joyous laughter.

"Or you can watch the actual porn with him and have him comment irl." Both men turned to see Cherrie grinning at them, "What? The princess said I could visit with my bestie so long it was in the parlour. Bet she didnt know there were a couple of old horny motherfuckers in here already."

Slamming the laptop shut, Alastor picked it up and made his way out, "What you do with your mother is your business. Now if you excuse me, I have things I need to win."

Angel found out because there was no way his sales suddenly boosting both on the Studio's website and on auction sites went unnoticed by Val who asked him to his office and nervously informed him that all future productions were going to be overseen by the incubus director Angel was so fond of.

That had been a few months ago and Alastor usually always had that air of self satisfaction that he usually attributed to an amazing release but Al wasn't one to do that and his self satisfaction came from securing items lesser demons wanted to get their repulsive hands on.

Those nights always resulted in heated make out sessions and some light petting on Alastor's part and ended in cuddled sleep.

Tonight, however, when Angel stepped out of the bathroom, he found Alastor glaring at the computer screen face void of a smile before carefully and slowly typing with his two index fingers.

Angel covered his mouth to hide his endeared smile, "Computer offend you again, babe?"

"Not the computer," muttered Alastor, his brow furrowed in concentration as he continued to type out his message in the chat of the auctioning website he frequented, "Some imbecile is flaunting the lot I wished to procure."

"Aw, I'm sorry, doll." Walking up behind his disgruntled beau, Angle draped his arms around Alastor's shoulders and rested his chin between his fluffy ears, giggling as they twitched in response, "You know I can just go through the Studion Vault and steal ya whatever you want. Not like Val actually keeps track of my older work anyway."

Alastor stopped typing and glanced up at Angel, "You mean you can find me this beautiful photograph of yourself? And the corresponding body pillow?" He pointed at the images DrAngler44 uploaded, "I loathe the idea of this creature having these photos of you but I admit that it is wholly because I had just the spot for them in my office at the radio tower."

When Angel didn't respond, Alastor frowned and spun around on his chair to tug Angel onto his lap, "Mon ange?"

"I haven't seen these in years," replied Angel, still staring at pictures. "Hells, this was the very first time I ever let my stupid feet be photographed. I had to beg Val to destroy most the of the copies and cut the photo off at the feet. You know there are only like 3 of these, right?" Ignoring the sudden burst of static, he counted off who had the other two copies, Vox has one cause, of course he had to have my feet in his possession and Lucifer has the other one cause Lilith thought I looked cute."

The static grew worse behind him and, now that he thought about it, maybe he shouldn't have brought Vox up. Angel felt Alastor tightened his hold on him, "You ok, baby?"

"Can you help me write my message," gritted out Alastor through his smiling teeth. Angel typed it out much quicker and sent it with Alastor's approval.

Alastor got up and carried his beau to bed where he tucked Angel in much to the spider's protest, "What about you?"

"Oh, I'll be back soon, cher. Vox has something I want."

[getreadytosmash]

][All questions for otp meme for Samuel + Rhys][

@blind-mutant

Coffee shop AU: Who is the barista, and who frequents the coffee shop?

Rhys is a barista trying to pay bills and a rundown coffee shop and it SUCKS until Samuel walks in and asks for enough coffee to kill every loving human on earth. Well. Ok. It definitely weirds Rhys out with how Samuel goes into lengthy speeches about his inventions or incredibly depressing talk about hell.

But god he's cute and Rhys loves how Samuel purrs when he gets coffee and the amount of cash Rhys gets when he leaves. It gets better when Samuel mostly comes at night and stutters and walks into a wall thr first time Rhys flirts with him.

Highschool/College AU: Who is the straight-A student, and who’s the backrow slacker?

Samuel is that prick who always reminds the teacher of due homework. Yeah sure, that history paper was only three pages but who cares if he did ten? He wants to do well so that Phil isn't the one who his father is most proud of in the family. He wants to be noticed, needs to be noticed for what he could be one day.

Rhys hates him. God, is there nothing worse than a know it all? The only thing that makes it worse is the fact that Samuel is a cute nerd that makes Rhys wanna bully or kiss him. They get assigned a project together and its hell until Samuel starts to realise why Rhys hates school, the pressure of being a mutant and being seen as stupid. Similarly Rhys sees the pressure Samuel puts himself under to be good enough and well...at least there's a chance of finally being able to shit the nerd up in a kiss.

Rivals to loves AU: Who takes their rivalry seriously, and who is half in it just to push the other’s buttons? 

Rhys thinks that the Leader is just an undersized loser who tries too hard. Yes he's brilliant but he ain't tough shit, Rhys has seen Leader without his heeled shoes before. Of course, Rhys knows that he isn't that impressive either, but it's still funny to tease Leader and to hear the other man squawk in offence.

Leader....oh boy he is determined to show Rhys that he is the true superior mastermind, not Magneto or Mystique. Rhys is a fool who should recognise the fact that Samuel is a very impressive villain and therefore should stop teasing and flirting with him! They're enemies! Can Rhys stop smiling so sweetly and making innuendos of everything??? God, he makes Samuel want to press the absolute dolt to a wall and make him see that Leader clearly someone to not mess around and flirt carelessly with.

Enemies to lovers AU: Which one switches sides? 

Hitting it a bit different here!! Rhys is a master thief, someone trained to use his shadows and cute face to get anything he wants. Samuel is a hard cracking detective who is determined to work long nights and to finally figure out who this apprentice thief is. Little does he know that said thief often likes to come and visit the agency, doing some filework and essentially being the reason that Samuel still lives thanks to coffee and the occasional healthy meal.

Of course, Rhys knows that Samuel is both highly intelligent and....a dumbass. Which shouldn't be as cute or appealing as it is, but Rhys finds himself...actually wanting to be helpful when Samuel has a migraine or blushing when Samuel says that he's going to marry Rhys for bringing him coffee. And maybe Rhys sends Samuel a mysterious bouquet that's from the "Midnight Stealer" and perhaps he lives to hear the flustered shriek when Samuel finds them.

Soulmate AU: Who is eager to meet their soulmate? Who absolutely does not want to meet their soulmate? 

It sounds a bit silly to say that Rhys held out onto the idea of a soulmate, more so when Blue died and she hadn't been his soulmate. Fuck fate and all that, but it's still something that runs on his brain when he's alone. Honestly, I think it would be really neat if it was one of those soulmate aus where you can feel your soulmate die and Rhys is the lucky ass who gets a soulmate that dies multiple times.

Anyway, Samuel sees the flaws in soulmates. He's been to hell and back and he rules it with a green fists. Soulmates are for the living and he lost that a long time ago. It doesn't stop fate from giving him Rhys though and Samuel now spends most of his time panicked and staying away from the other man, less Rhys somehow picks up that they're meant to be together as nature has decreed. He does a pretty good job of it until Rhys, stubborn beloved brat, decides that enough is enough and he will confront Samuel on why he always seems to avoid him.

Samuel wishes deprately he wasn't attracted to such stubbornness.

Single parent AU: Which one is the single parent? (Alt. if they’re both single parents: Which one is open to starting a new relationship from the start? Which one is never planning on finding love again… Until they meet the other and are instantly smitten?)

Rhys really isn't...prepared for the little mute girl to start following him about but. Ok. In his defense he does try to loose her but then the worry of a lost child sets in, especially when said little girl opens her mouth and a small noise of surprise is enough to almost make the windows shatter. Rhys is an early father at the age of meeting his new daughter for five seconds.

Of course, Samuel comes running, out pf breath and now seriously considering doing some of those exercises Red keeps telling him about. He isn't even suspicious of Rhys at first because...well, the man looks like a human Daisy and he can smell the intentions off him. Rhys gasps in offense and Coral is just having a wonderful time right now until she gets grounded for wondering off from her uncle.

Samuel is rather smitten by the man who handled a mute 8 year old rather well and...coffee is always a good way to repay people. Rhys is more than happy to get to know the cute man who is still slightly wheezing, especially when he learn that this isn't the first time his niece Coral has wondered away from him. Samuel is cute and more than willing to do anything reasonable to repay Rhys for looking after someone so precious to him and of course Rhys wants dinner with Samuel because he isn't a clown much and knows not to resist a cute guy who wears leather pants in his free time?

Doctor AU: Which one is the longsuffering doctor? Which one is the patient? 

People in the institute aren't well. Rhys knows that so far it has been the doctors, ever since the new guy has shown up, deadly quiet but malice practically written into the air. People get sick and they die and only a few patients have suffered this fate but almost every doctor has gotten ill. He keeps hearing about how they need to use stronger collars or medicines to keep Sterns calm but nothing seems to work. The only time he sees Sterns is when they roll past a body bag that has the man's shape and even then it couldnt have been him, Sterns was walked past Rhys's cell later that night!

They eventually get out. Rhys's own doctor can't lay a single finger on him before he starts vomiting and dies after Rhys kills him for all the previous pain he was forced to be induced to. Everyone is free and Blue dies but then Sterns is there, keeping the collar and bracelets and anklets on for whatever reason and he's telling Rhys he can bring her back. He isn't sure if he believes Samuel but then when the other man starts muttering about how he's going to have to travel and blow himself up again, Rhys needs to come with him.

He isn't quite sure what Samuel is yet. But he definitely isn't human and he isn't good for anyone involved. Which is why Rhys deems him the best choice to tag along with. Samuel seems to know what he's doing and when Rhys let's loose the raccoon eyes...well, he kinda likes the way Samuel suddenly stutters and looks away while letting Rhys do what he wants. He's already been charmed for weeks now.

Bodyguard AU: Who is the bodyguard? Who are they protecting? Which one is secretly pining for the other? 

Samuel disagrees with the idea that he needs a bodyguard. His body gives off enough radiation and be can come back from the dead! But apparently that isn't good enough for being left alone in an entire X-men college isn't acceptable. Cue Rhys being left with Samuel since he's nocturnal and now he's faced with someone he might not see or hear for three hours and then find out that Samuel was fast asleep in the lab where he's helping develop Krakoa flowers.

Samuel on the other hand? Holy shit. Cute man they told was to protect him or to make sure that he doesn't do anything shady. He doesn't seem to get weirded out when Samuel purrs or falls asleep midway through work, only concerned. That's why it comes to his attention that obviously Rhys perhaps needs to be charmed or convinced that Samuel, everthe brilliant light he is, should try and get Rhys to come to Vista Verde with him, where the beautiful man would be muh more appeared there!

Pirate AU: Who is the pirate? Who is the member of the royal family who did not sign up for this? 

The plan that ends with prince Rhys being kidnapped is brilliant and some of Samuel's best work alongside Red. The only thing he didn't account for was how thrilled Rhys actually is once the other man realises that he was on a pirate ship. Freedom! Adventure! Pretty men in beautiful pirate clothes! Its every horny prince's dream and Rhys makes quick work of letting Samuel know that.

God help Samuel when Rhys gets something more befitting of a pirate when they all realise that his family aren't going to pay the fees. He looks so cute AND hot in tight pants and bellowy shirts and know Samuel is going to wheeze over the ship, but not long before Rhys starts wanting sword fighting lessons from Samuel....personal close lessons.

Childhood best friends AU: Which one was super obviously in love with the other the whole time? Who was oblivious until they were older?

Rhys was very adoring of Samuel as a kid. He didn't seem to care about what Rhys is and he was just thrilled that he had someone close to his own age that he could sit down with and share animal facts. They were close friends for years before Samuel's mother went "missing" and he moved back to Hawaii for his father's work.

And it isn't years later that Rhys tuns into a short green man who is seemingly delighted to see him for whatever reason. Samuel on the other hand can't stop purring as he rambles because Rhys is beautiful and he smells wonderful and Samuel only snort-purrs harder when it finally clicks and his face lights up at his only childhood friend.

Red chucks a pillow and tells them to get a room while Leader shrieks and Rhys giggles.

[sbwriel-cymraeg]

Eddie Kaspbrak deserved better.

Let me start with this. IT, written by Stephen King, made into a movie in 2017 and then another in 2019, about a clown with a big forehead, who likes dining on children, and gets his ass kicked by a group of teenage misfits (and then again when said misfits are just about past their midlife crisis). It's a horror, it's creepy and it's gross, now you see, I don't do horrors. I'm an absolute wuss. I can't even walk into a creepy abandoned building without a plank of wood in my hand for protection, and at least two people on either side of me who would obviously be kidnapped first (and that gives me enough time to scream and run away). Anyway, I don't like horrors. So you can probably guess that there was no way in hell, or earth, that I would be watching something that involved a terrifying monster who drools as much as a bulldog (he should seriously get that checked). No way I was going to read the book, as much as I love reading, and wouldn't even consider the original from the 90s although the 90s rules the movie scene (don't argue, we all know Jurassic Park is the best movie of all time). But the thing was, I have a friend, and he can be very persuading (in the form of pizza and snacks) and also, I'm a huge McAvoy fan, and James Ransone, I've never seen that guy before but well, when I saw him in the trailer, hello handsome. And don't get me started on Bill Hader, man do I fancy that bloke... Anyway I'm going off topic. So blah blah, we end up sitting down one night, with our buffet and many cups of tea, and weirdly, we start watching IT Chapter 2 first, because he wanted to see it since it was new. I go into it with no bloody clue what was going on, who was who, why parents would let their kid out in the rain by themselves, or how nobody noticed a load of bodies leaking out of the sewer. I was asking alot of questions. But, here's the thing. Onto the whole point of this rant. Eddie Kaspbrak. Eddie Spaghetti. Eds. The cute, little, angry man who instantly caught my attention (not just by the fact that Mr Ransone is a handsome S.O.B). From the moment he sped down the road in his posh jeep, yelling at other drivers (I feel your pain Eds) to crashing said posh jeep because he was distracted by a phone call (bad Eddie!) He instantly stole my 28 year old, attracted to dark and handsome older men, heart. Of course, I had no clue about these characters, all I saw was cute, angry man, funny dork with glasses, red headed lady, that guy from New Zealand, man who lasted five seconds, handsome librarian, and Professor X, and of course that clown that lives in the drain. So, as the movie went on, Eddie became my number one (Richie following behind in second). I learnt all about him from my friend, and more about him during the film, and couldn't help but feel sorry for the little bastard. He had a wife that I could tell he didn't love who treated him like doodoo, as a kid his dearest mom was overprotective, controlling and gave him freaking placebos to make him think he was ill (the fuck Mrs K?), that made him so nervous about getting sick and paranoid beyond belief, and I mean, his job wasn't the most exciting. Not to mention he has anxiety worse than a nun in a whore house, and was obviously afraid the most out of the group. And then, AND THEN, the film decides to drop some hints about Richie. Ah, dearest Richie, who has perfect taste in men. He's in love with Eddie. In. Freaking. Love with him. You could tell by the way he was so protective of him, constantly made fun of him (we all know that's how dudes get their crushes attention) and of course, R + E. So, of course, nearing the end of the movie, there's me grinning like an idiot, having the thought of Eddie and Richie getting out of the final fight untouched, Richie declaring his undying love for his Eddie Spaghetti, Eddie admitting his feelings for his Trashmouth, getting a kiss in there, Eds declaring he was divorcing him moth- sorry, wife, and the two walking into the sunset to start a new life together, in a nice cottage in the hills, getting married, having three kids, five dogs, ten cats, and living happily ever after. But then, my hopes and dreams were shattered. Stephen, I'm looking at you. They killed Eddie. THEY KILLED EDDIE! EDDIE! Out of all the FREAKING characters they could have booted off, they chose Eddie the rage monster, the little man with a big personality, the least deserving to freaking die in my opinion. Stephen, how could you? How could you?! Why did he have to die? Why did they have to end his life that way? Why couldn't he have a happy ending like the rest of the Losers? Not including Richie of course. Oh no, they didn't just fuck Eddie over, they also fucked over Richie. Killing the love of his life, right after he saves him, bleeding all over his big ass glasses, calling his name softly, looking at him with his big, brown eyes. Yep, Richie probably went home after the Kissing Bridge and thought about Eddie every damn day of his life. But no, they didn't just kill Eddie, oh no no, they went a step further. They left his body to rot in the sewers. Yes Andy, I'm glaring at you, you evil, evil man. They didn't take the route that Mr King took in his book, or from the original IT movie (yes I watched that later on too) no, Mr A decided to have Eddie die all alone whilst the Losers finished off Pennywise, then have Richie go back and see his dead body, freak out and have hope that they can save him, hug him tight, and not let him go. And then, oh boy, and then, they have Mike and Ben literally FORCE Richie off of Eddie, and DRAG him out of the sewers. WITHOUT EDDIE. I'm sorry Mr Andy, but tell me, how could they, Eddie's best friends, the ones who were always there for him, who they loved and adored, leave Eddie there in the sewers, all alone, in the dark, dirty, graveyard that would have had Eddie crying at the thought? It didn't make ANY sense to me. If Ben and Mike had the strength to drag a struggling, six foot something Richie away from Eddie, then surely they could have picked Eddie up between them, and got him out of there. If I was Richie, I would have decked the lot of them, Losers or not. And that's where I got pretty darn mad. Eddie didn't deserve that shit. For one, he didn't deserve to die. And two, he didn't deserve to be left down there, to slowly decay. He should have been pulled out by his friends, Richie could have had a moment with him, Eddie could have been given a funeral where his friends, and especially Richie could have said goodbye. Then, they'd have had somewere where they could memorialise him, go back and place flowers and silly things like inhalers and red shorts on his headstone, have a get together and remember him and talk to him, somewhere where Richie could always go to, knowing that Eddie was put to rest properly, and somewhere were he could sit and cry to himself, remembering all the fucking good times they had as kids and how god damn hard he fell for the crazy little shit. But, nah, we'll just leave him in the sewers, under a collapsed house, somewhere the Losers wouldn't want to visit again, somewhere they can't have a funeral, can't put Eddie to rest, somewhere that has too many bad memories and would remind everyone of how exactly Eddie lost his life. So yeah, you can say I'm pretty mad about all of that. I know he's a fictional character, but damn, he didn't deserve that shit. Neither did Richie. And to make it worse, when I watched the first movie afterwards, Eddie was just as freaking hilarious, and ridiculous as his older self. Little Eddie was a force to be reckoned with, he was definitely still my favourite even as a kid. The dude who played him, huge kudos to him. How could you not like tiny Eddie? It also showed me a lot more about how Eddie grew up, by that I mean how his mother really did treat him, and boy did I hate the fact that he died even more! So yeah, I may have gone off on one a tad... I couldn't help myself, Eddie Kaspbrak has now got a big place in the fictional character side of my heart. Just goes to show just how much actors can make an impact on people's lives, and how real they make them seem! So, I've said my part, and it's pretty obvious what I think about the ending to Mr Spaghetti's story. Encase you didn't get how I feel about it, it sucked. Eddie Kaspbrak should have lived. Should have had a second chance, especially with Richie! Not all movies follow the ending of books, so why did this one have to? Why did Ben and Redhead get to have a happily ever after and Richie and Eddie didn't? Why didn't they at least make his death meaningful and give him the send off he deserved? In other words, Eddie deserved better. That should be the motto of the movie. That's me signing off, I'm going to go be mad somewhere else, because I'll never get over this movie. I'm a huge fan now, but man, the ending was as bad as Bill's endings. Oh and uh, fuck you Pennywise. Oh, also, if anyone's going to Wales Comic con this Saturday (you should, because James Ransone will be there, I know right, what are the chances?) come say hi. I'll be dressed in a yellow raincoat and green wellies, holding a red balloon... Don't ask why, I just like the colours. See you later, Losers.

[wetookanoath]

Supernatural Season 6 | The Haunting of Loey Lane.

Shane and his Shaggy cosplay are everything I need to know to be asured this episode will be iconic. And look a thim go. I love him.

I am way too distracted by Ryan’s buttons being open, I’m sorry, I cannot fuction now.

“Oh, no voice this time?” Okay, but Shane’s smile is... fjnfiwsmdikr. Why is this man like this? Anyway... Ryan’s laugh and the way he just, turns on Host Mood again, holy shit.

The way Ryan is narrating this episode is even more precious when you look at the credits and see that he himself wrote this episode. “From guru to booru”, I fucking hate you, Shane. Ryan’s face, tho. That look between done and fond, same.

“I was very respectful”, honey you were high in medicine, shut up.

Weekend At Ghoul HQ, starring Ryan Bergara and real size doll Shane. “I believe you believe” it’s the creepiest shit, stop that.

Growing up in a haunted farmhouse? Same. Oh gosh, jokes aside, I’m gonna say this right now... I’m not going to discuss in public whatever I believe in what may happen in this episode or not. I’ve been realizing slowly that I don’t feel comfortable talking about these things online because believing has a lot to do with faith to me, and faith is part of my life in a way that is too important to me. That said, watch me make fun of my own faith all the time and discuss whatever else you guys wanna talk about with me regarding the show, the boys, etc.

Loey saying she has never been scared of ghosts it’s exactly how I feel about the paranormal and the supernatural in general. I mean, I don’t claim having any kinds of powers or touch, or what have you. But god, I would be so happy and enchanted by seeing a supernatural being right in front of me. And whatever may scare me sometime, it’s always human doing, it’s always natural, tangible, there. And even then, I do like being scared. So there’s that, I guess.

“Are we Bruce Willis in this situation?” how the hell did that came from what they were talking about, lmao. Another Willis mention this season, Mr. Die Hard will end up becoming part of the inside jokes in this fandom at some point.

“I love a little stirring” Shane looks so excited about doing Some Bullshit in this episode, and I saw how chaotic he was in his solo, I can’t wait to see it by myself. LMAO, this bit is both funny and kind of adorable. Also, witches AU.

“Why would you come to us uf you want us to fix it?” An excellent question I don’t understand either, to be honest. The show is not about actually hunting enthities or debunking shit, so this is... come on. I think we know what it is, lmao. But it’s fine, I like this House Call shit.

No ofense, but using a 100 hundred years old Ouija board as a decoration is like a horror movie plot where white people are white people about it. I love it.

*Rubs eyes and sighs deeply*

... What is Shane doing with his tongue? I, I, I don’t like that... Not a fan... Put that tongue back in your mouth, Shane. I don’t like this bit.

Shane calling Ryan a, like, passionate paranormal investigator and the bitch immediatelly saying he is insane is my aesthetic and also yet again, a great summary of the show.

“This is the part where you learn how truly boring it is to be a ghost hunter”, lmao. Talking about these parts, I love the colors we get from the cameras each time, I can’t wait to make the edit for this episode.

Oh man, it must be something to see these two grown ass men saying and doing stupid shit to get ghosts to listen to them and do something But also, Shane slowly walking towards Ryan to film a super close-up of his eyes, OKAY. They are so stupid.

That... that is a werid thing, Shane is right. Oh man, this is giving me flashbacks to that serial killer dude in The X Files that was obssessed with women’s hair/cleaning them up for burials. 

Okay, that thing Shane just did with his mouth knocked me out for a bit. Imma head out. “That sounds demonic”, this better not be the season’s demon investigation. And oh look, what’s a supernatural season without Shane giving hints of him being a demon? It makes it funnier how he never really talks about it anywhere. Like he obviously knows aboutt he fandom’s joke, and I’m sure he keeps doing shit like this to feed it, but it all becomes even better when he just... never says shit about it. It’s always Ryan the one who answers when asked about it.

Cats do tend to get spook at everything and look up for no reason at all, every time my cats do that and one of nieces or nephew is around and asks about it, I always go “oh, he is just seeing the ghost that lives here” and then their mothers want to kill me.

Yeah, you don’t... do that. Horror movie 101. Don’t ever give permission to shit to enter. “Hey, can I come in?” “No, bitch, go away” is always the answer lol.

Guuurrrrllll...

This bitch ass thingy in her home really is there because of her. If there’s something in there, it’s not the place, it’s her. Also bitch ass demons as always listening to Shane is everything.

I.. like how Shane looks in that blue lighting. “Oh, you know what? Not bad, not bad”, why is he like this. 

Ryan’s metaphores are excellent, imagine him giving talks to his future children by using weird ass metaphore and the kids just... staring at him. 

“I’ll take you home with me, I don’t care” LMAO, imagine this idiot walking into his apartment, “Hey Sara? I got a demon, can we keep him?” “No” “Too late, I told him he is staying!”

“Assert my dominance” the smile? Awwww. The awkward moves of his hand, fjnvidnfir, Ryan is so fucking cute, makes me cry.

... What is Shane doing? I love how they just leave Shane’s whatever there while Ryan talks to Loey, fkjdniednfirnfgirt. Do that more often. Love that hair, also. Long hair is the best hair.

Shane literally saying he will use all the power he has gotten by defeating demons it’s such a powerful prompt. He is giving us the power to create shit, use it well, demon Shane writers and fanartists. “Alakazam! Big bang boom, hope you like hell, you loser.”, I fucking love this dork.

“What does that mean? You guys have inside jokes?” “Yeah, we bonded” JFNIERDNFIRF SHANE.

Loey is me and Shane is my brother, this is how we usually talk when one of us is saying some bullshit kfdndiofmkirg

“What’s your name? Come on, what’s your name? I know that gives away your power”, Ryan out there getting advice on demon hunting by The Conjuring 2 is the biggest mood. No, but for real-- there’s actually plenty of myths and cultures that believe the way to defeat some sort of evil is by knowing its name. It’s really interesting, the kind of power we really do give to names.

Not really a fan of this. Man, I really hope this is not the season’s demon investigation.

Ryan Steven Bergara Stop Saying You Are Annoying Or Ugly Or Whatever Negative Shit You Are Always Saying About Yourself Challenge.

This is such a “So... you come here often?” type of situation, djnfisndief, I love this. And we are back at the ‘I hate Shane’ bit again, I really stan a twelve years old. The fond voice with which Shane says “I mean, you are having fun”, awwwwwww. Cuties.

Shane looks hella cute doing his fornite dance, I hate him.

Did that shit just laugh after scaring this poor woman? JFNFIENFIERNIGF

Christ almighty, Ryan looks so fucking small at Shane’s side, what the hell? Also, this is so... damn adorable. Shane trying to teach Ryan how to do the dance, it’s hella cute. Oooohhmmmygoodddddd, I’mmmmm meltinnngggggggggg... Ryan’s little dance, djnfienf he is such a bad dancer, I love him so much.

This poor woman is having a breakdown in there and these two bitches are just being... whatever the hell they are doing, lmao. “You are suggesting a ghost farted in my face?” “Yeah” AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ryan suggesting the demon is asking her out for a drink and looking at Shane while doing so, jfniednfir what the fuck is that. This demon suitor just doesn’t know how to ask her out on a date, lmao.

“Our job here is done!” and Loey’s reaction, dkjnfeinfir same.

Get haunted for the aesthetic, why not? Interesting episode.

[medea10]

My Review of Wotakoi: Love is Hard for Otaku

[smpsm]

paste

 smpsm

My head is trying to kill me from the inside, with its shock-start migraines and its constant alcoholic desires. Where did I learn these things and how can I make them stop? How can I keep from sinking my fingernails into the flesh on my forearms, and does it matter that I spend my days wondering if I’m helping people less crazy than myself? I should have checked in long ago, no doubt, back when my face felt concrete with a frown and my eyes felt fogged with fatigue and indecision; back when every minute brought thoughts of death and my brain told me that no one cared. I should have sought help, more than not, for the years following, for the crying jags and the constant worthless attempts at being loved. But what drove me to the doctor was sheer panic more than anything, that uncontrollable ability my body had to keep me from taking a breath. Nowadays I just pick at my hair and drink to fall asleep, miserable in every intervening hour and lying to my mother that I’m fine. She wouldn’t understand anyway, she who called me evil and abusive ad cruel and fed the fire with the gasoline that my sick heart didn’t need. I tell people there are cures besides pill bottles but truth be told I want the sudden cleansing cool that comes from a benzo fix—I don’t want to be drunk so much as dead calm. The road to hell is paved with half-moon indentations in my flesh and bruises I beg other people to give me. I ask for the paddle so I can avoid hurting myself for one more day, one more week, while I press the fading marks that dot my body. I can sustain physicals hurts I had never dreamed possible, many more than I can emotional blows—love lost is much worse than a caning or a whip’s lash, somehow. I am defensive because I know how vulnerable I am, because I am constantly open to attack and must therefore cover myself constantly—but no one can hate me as much as I hate myself. The idea is absurd.

 I suffer from a raging sense of superiority based solely on intellect and the shape of my lips; somewhere along the line I learned I’d better have a personality if I couldn’t at least be normal. And it seems I can’t be, with my propensity to talk myself into a tizzy and my desire to get beaten by strangers. These things aren’t normal, are they? I thought not. Deep down I wonder if I think I deserve it or if I’ve always been like this, and I think back to age five when I laid in the dark, titillated by the idea of public humiliation and the wearing of metal cuffs in childhood cartoons. I wasn’t abused but I feared it, feared that dirty old men would unzip their flies at the least provocation and I could do nothing to protect myself. Being a young girl during the 1990s had its downsides; assault was disparaged yet somehow normalized by its presence on every magazine cover alongside pictures of pretty blonde-haired pageant girls found dead in neighbors’ basements. People are disgusting, I quickly learned, and I can do nothing to fix it. All I can do is rage and secretly quail at any threat to my humanity.

 My head hurts nearly all the time and “psychosomatic” does not begin to cover it. Psycho fucking soma, my body is betraying me daily by longing for things I shouldn’t want and by falling to pieces when I misstep on a curb. My bruises have been magnificent, to tell the truth, but perhaps I should not get so much joy from them. Then again perhaps I should not get so much joy from office supplies, jalapenos, and spinny chairs, but there you go. I used to pretend I was not one of those girls, before I realized it was a cunty thing to say, that it was horrible to separate myself from half the population of the world simply because I longed to be different and therefore loved. I don’t know what kind of girl I am, to be sure, but I am probably one of “those,” one of those too big for her britches with a fat head. One of those who could easily be called a bitch. It’s something I can abide.

 What I cannot abide is my own weakness, my lingering sadness and constant worry and the thought that I am absolutely crazy, nothing for it. I want meds and I want them all the time, please, even if they solve nothing. They help in the moment and isn’t that what mindfulness is about? The now and now and oh yes now, the constant, continuing crawl of time. Death sounds comforting most days, if only to stop the exhaustion. You don’t have to be depressed to be suicidal—sometimes you can simply be too exhausted to keep moving. Yet somehow you chug down your drink and keep moving, telling yourself things will doubtless look much better tomorrow. So you read dark comedies and you tell yourself that life could surely be worse—trying not to tempt fate and jinx your already miserable life—and you try so hard to focused on the small rays of sunlight shining through the window that splash brightly on the dust-motes floating in the air. You focus on sunlight and the fact that you could certainly be much crazier than you are, and that’s something at least.

 You revel in small things, like being loud and drunk with people as miserable and possibly hilarious as you; like stealing things you definitely don’t need. Like stomping roughly on dying leaves after they fall into your path. You try not to focus on the fact that you can barely sleep at night without a steadying drink, or the fact that you always feel like a fuck-up. You try to pretend you don’t feel fat and disgusting every day. You focus on the fact that you have perky tits until you remember how many man-boys have leered and talked about coming on them. This doesn’t please you. Nor does the second-person treatment you adopt half the time, trying to sound literary and artistic when really you’re just sad and exhausted. You think that someone must have to have a personality before having a personality disorder, and you marvel at your own delicious wit and then call yourself a cunt silently. You feel a horrible bitch and a pathetic loser grasping at adoration for something other than her grabbable ass.

 Half the things you suffer, you seem to have brought on yourself. You are exhausted because for some ungodly reason you decided to go to graduate school, and you hate yourself for it. But you know you’d hate yourself more if you were living in your parents’ ever-changing homes (east, west, Midwest) arguing over petty things like waking up before noon. You still cringe over the fact that you cried to your father over your GRE scores, that his opinion matters more to you than, in some cases, your mother’s—she didn’t finish college, after all, while he has his fucking MBA. He is one of the smartest men you’ve ever met and he’s miserable just like you. What hope does that leave for anyone, really? You wonder why your parents never got divorced and wonder if they should have. You know their meet-cute is much cuter than anyone else’s you’re likely to meet, and it pisses you off—particularly when your mother begs for grandchildren, saying you’ll be a great single mother. You think she means it as a compliment.

 You wonder if she even actually likes you anymore or whether she just needs your presence like hand-salve on chapped knuckles.  She needs you for therapy, to back her up when she’s pissed at your father, to perform the quiet role of fixing her in all the ways you can. You know she’s a person unto her own but you have never seen her as independent. You think she mostly hates you. You have no idea what your father thinks 88% of the time but you think it has to occasionally be about running her over with the car. You two discuss books and movies because he disdains your politics, yet you think you have more in common with him than with anyone else in your family. Misery breeds a lot of things, it seems.

 Not everyone gets the happy ending even if they deserve it; hard work and determination only get you so far. You wonder what psychosis feels like and why everyone thinks drugs are the worst things in the world. Genocide and blood diamonds are worse than petty theft and graffiti I guess but then they bemoan slippery slopes and the point is lost. Instead of brooding I try to force-feed other people baked goods to make them love me.

 I am long-winded, darling, you, me, I, she, we. I suck back water each morning and pretend my head’s not pounding through fuzz. “I hate myself,” I mutter in tempo with my heartbeat and sink my knees in lockstep. I can make it through the day, I can.

[romaniassexdungeon]

Our Souls Briefly Touched in Tallinn

Pairing: OzEst

Rating: Lemon

Summary:  It was by chance they met, on a warm summer's night in Old Tallinn, a fleeting moment they shared together, never to be recreated. But, in the end, it was exactly what they both needed. The heartbreak, the yearning, the anticipation, it was all worth it, just to be together.

Notes: Written with @tikola-nesla. Tbh we’ve just been sitting here laughing at our own stupid jokes. Yeah pay no attention to the title or summary, this is 8000 words of absolute jack shit wrote by two sleep-deprived idiots. Every line only served to get a laugh out each other. This was supposed to be cute and fluffy, something we'd come up with while walking around Tallinn at like midnight. Yeah, it quickly descended into piss, but please enjoy.

Logan - Australia Fabrice - Cameroon Angie - Seychelles Hunapo - New Zealand

Read on AO3

...

The cobbled streets of Old Tallinn shone under the lights of restaurants and shop windows. A violinist played for tips by a wall, a family laughed over a late meal outside of a restaurant, and three drunk tourists were chasing down their friend.

“Logan, come back!”

Logan started walking backwards, purely to flip the other three off. “Eat my ass, Febreeze!”

One of the three nudged him. “Go on, Fabrice,” she laughed, “Take one for the team.”

Fabrice glared at her. “Don’t encourage him, Angie.”

“What’s so wrong with my arse?” Logan cried, “Got some juicy melons on me!”

“Oh my god, Lo-”

“Logan, I swear-”

“He’s gonna do it, isn’t-”

Logan pulled his shorts down to his ankles and continued to run ahead, then immediately toppled over onto the cobbles.

“Fuck! What are these made of?”

“Stone.” Fabrice stood over him, offering him a hand up. “Think you’ve had a little much.”

Logan pulled himself up and blew a raspberry into his face.

“Logan, I can see your whole dick.”

“Aww, Huna!” He blew a kiss at them. “You’re welcome!”

He cackled, kicking his shorts off and dancing wildly to the violinist’s gentle tune.

Huna picked up his shorts and chased after him. “You’re gonna get arrested!”

“If they can’t handle my fat balls, my juicy, juicy, nutsacks, that’s on them!”

Angie ran along with them, taking the lead, and jumped onto his back.

“Hey! Piss off me!”

She held onto him tight. “Put your shorts on, dumbass.”

“What are you doing!?”

She thought about it for a moment. “Fuck knows. Put them on before children see.”

“It’s two in the morning! It’s on their parents for not putting them in bed!”

“You can’t talk parenting with your dick out!”

“Watch me!”

Fabrice sighed. “Logan.”

Logan grumbled and prized Angie off his back. “I’ll put them on but only because it’s cold.”

She steadied herself on his shoulder. “Good boy.”

“Not because you told me to.”

“Good enough for us.”

“We can’t let him out of our sights,” said Fabrice.

...

“You let him out of your sights?” cried Fabrice, the moment he stepped out of the men’s room and found Logan missing from the group of faces at the bar. He wasn’t trying to win on the quiz machines, or the condom ones, and he wasn’t flirting with anyone, or everyone. He was nowhere to be seen.

Hunapo and Angie shrugged. “It’s just easier,” said Hunapo.

“He’s just so annoying,” she added.

“Yeah, it’s our holiday too.”

“He’ll start taking his clothes off again!”

“But at least this way, he does it far away from us and people don’t assume we’re with him.”

“We are with him!” Fabrice protested.

“Do we want the police knowing that?”

Fabrice shrugged. “They’ll find out when we pay his bail.” He looked out of the tiny window. “Poor Logan, off by himself, wandering around lost and alone. I hope he’s okay.”

“He’ll be balls deep in something by now,” Hunapo nudged him, “he’s fine.”

...

Eduard sat by himself, as usual, in the corner of his local. His top hat lay next to his collection of pint glasses: one full and several empty. He was drinking too fast for the bar staff to collect them all. His traditional outfit, the one he’d been wearing for two days now, was still neat, but his hair was starting to get in a state, wisps sticking up all over where he’d run his long fingers through it. The main sign that he was not alright, though, were the bags under his eyes and grey tone to his scarily pale face.

Second place.

His choir - the best in Europe, probably, almost definitely - had come second to a group of 50 schoolchildren. He’d been beaten by children. No wonder his parents were never proud of him.

He sighed and downed half his beer in one go.

The rest of his choir were celebrating, but he couldn’t. He was going to drown his sorrows, then plan for next year. With a head start, there should be no reason for them to lose again. It wasn’t second place, it was first last place, and not good enough.

This was why his choir never wanted to drink with him.

“Same again?” the waitress asked, and he nodded, finishing the second half of the pint. “Okay, but I’m getting worried.”

“I’m fine,” he mumbled. “I’m- I’m fine.”

“You should be. Second place! We’re all really proud of you.”

He pulled a face. “We should’ve won. It was my job to make sure we won. My dad was right, though. I’m useless.”

“He said that?”

“No, but he implied it. A lot. Never proud of me. My mother neither. Nothing I did was good enough.” Maybe he should’ve told those kids they’d reached their peak, that it would be all downhill from here on out and, eventually, they’d come to the sad conclusion that they weren’t “gifted” but average after all. But apparently that was “being a sore loser”.

She looked very uncomfortable. “Sir, I’m not sure you should have any more alcohol.”

“Aw, Maarja. Don’t cut me off, maybe I’ll feel something soon.”

“Sir, do you need me to call you a cab?”

“I’m fine. I- I’ll be good.” He drank his next pint slower, slouched and miserable. Maarja nodded and went to take the order of a tourist who’d just walked in. Eduard could immediately tell he was Australian, by his loud, annoying voice that started up like a foghorn the moment he locked eyes with someone. Every Estonian in the bar looked very uncomfortable.

Hopefully, he’d be left alone.

The Australian got his own pint and looked around for someone to talk to. Eduard avoided eye contact like he was a teacher asking the class a question, or an Enderman.

No such luck, as usual. He heard the chair opposite him scrape against the knobbly wooden floor.

“Terry!”

Eduard blinked at him.

“You know, Terry! Hello!”

“Tere,” he said, with the passive-aggression he learnt from his mother.

“That! Terry! Anyway, can I-“ He stumbled over his feet trying to sit on the table, tipping it over and sending pint glasses falling in the process. “-can I try on your hat, mate?”

Eduard glanced up at him. “Might as well.”

Logan got it onto his head - with a little difficulty fitting it on - and sat down next to him. “How do I look?”

“Like a man in a hat.”

“But like… a sexy one?”

“Like a hat-wearing one.”

“Shoulda seen me earlier. Had my whole dick out. It was great.”

Eduard honestly, truly, genuinely, had no idea what to say to that. But he knew he hated Australians. Especially if they happened to be tourists.

“What’s with the... “ Logan gestured vaguely at him.

“Air of crushing defeat? It’s the crushing defeat.”

“Nah, the… clothes. Big coat thing.”

“Oh. It’s my choir’s uniform for the music contest.”

He gasped. “You’re one of the singing boys!”

“Mm. We lost.”

“Still performed though, ey? Did your funky funky tunes.”

“We were beaten by children,” he scoffed.

“How old?”

Eduard shrugged. “Small, I guess. I don’t know baby ages. More than 3 but less than 16.”

“Bit of a range there.”

“Yeah, but the point is, our choir sucks.”

“You performed in the… the big thing, though!”

Eduard shrugged. “Still lost.”

“What place did you even get?”

“Second.”

“ Second ? That’s fucking amazing!”

“We were supposed to win.”

“You must be pretty fuckin’ good anyway. Or- or you wouldn’t be in second. Maybe you’re just not cute enough.”

“This is a choir festival, not a cuteness contest.”

“Yeah, or you’d’ve won.” He winked.

“I should have.”

“But you are... “ He paused for a long moment, then patted his face. “You are cute enough to win everything.”

“Can I help you?” he asked, bordering on the border of passive aggression.

“Just wanted to make friends! You look all... Lots of drinks and one guy-y.”

“I am one guy.”

“Well maybe we can be two guys.” Logan winked with both eyes. “And even more drinks.”

“You don’t want to get drinks with me. I’m a has-been. I’ve peaked.”

“You’ve come in higher than second before? Like… gotten all win-y?”

“Does it matter now that I’m nothing?”

“Hey.”

Eduard looked up from his drink. Logan was uncomfortably close to his face.

“I think you’re a lot of things.”

“Like what? Nothing. That’s what.”

“I think you’re cute, and talented. And a little sad.”

“A little?” asked Maarja.

“Yeah, I’m very sad, all the time.” Eduard bit his tongue to stop him oversharing. He hated oversharing, and getting emotional, but it happened sometimes. Usually at the worst moment, like 10am at the Rimi he’d wandered into for potato salad and painkillers to cure his hangover.

“You’re too pretty to be sad,” Logan stroked behind his ear and gently dislodged the arm of his glasses. Eduard wanted to sob from the human touch, and may have leaned into it. “You deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks, I’m cured,” he said flatly, fixing his glasses.

“Can you sing for me, sing-y boy?”

“Why not just listen to a tumble dryer full of cats, it can’t be that different.”

“You came in second!”

“I’ll ne- never sing again, ever.”

“So you’re not performing next year?”

“Well, our choir is, every year, and I’m in our choir, and I’m not missing it, but I’m still never singing again.”

“Ah, I’ll get that song out of you! I bet you sing good.”

“No.”

“You sing good. Like a good singy boy. You make songs.”

“You haven’t heard me.”

“Well, your talky voice is nice as well. Pretty. Such a pretty accent. Like your pretty face.”

“My singing voice is clearly my downfall.”

“Aw, singy man! Don’t be sad! You’re the singy man!”

“I was. I can’t call myself that anymore.”

“Well, I don’t know your actual name, sooo… singy man.”

“Eduard.”

“Logan. What y’doing after this, Eduard?”

“I’ll probably drink more, and then go home, and then drink even more, and then eat some potato salad.”

“Sounds hot. Mind if I tag along?”

“Do you have anywhere else to be?”

His face fell as he remembered. “Aw, shit. My friends. I’m here with them, but they were making me put clothes on and stuff so I kinda… went my own way. Guess you could say I’m a wild card. A real rebel, you know? Can’t be tamed.” He winked again, with both eyes.

“Are you staying together? Just reconvene.”

“Oh, yeah. Reeky… that. We’re staying in a place. Big pink building. Orangey roof.”

“We’re in Old Town. That doesn’t narrow things down.”

“Well, I’ll un-narrow your butthole.”

Eduard sighed. “You’re lost, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I don’t know where they are.”

He scratched the back of his head casually. “I guess I’ll help you out, if you want.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, might was well. I can’t leave you out here, can I?”

“No, I’ll end up fucking something.”

“Up?”

“Maybe. Either way, nudity happens. That’s the point, yeah?”

“The point of what ?”

“Dunno. All of it?”

“Very philosophical of you.”

“You’re full of sofical.”

“You’re full of alcohol.”

Logan nodded. “Yes. So are you.”

“So I am.” He took his hat back and stood up. “Come on, Australian. Let’s get you home.”

Logan made a weird, probably happy, face. “Wow, you’re in such a rush to get me home.”

“The sooner you’re away from people the better.”

“How can you say that, mate? I’m a gift.”

“Do you have a receipt?”

“You’re cranky when you lose.”

Eduard glowered at him.

“Come on, walk me home, and I’ll cheer you up.” He spanked Eduard’s ass and stumbled out of the pub. Maarja gave Eduard a look as he shuffled out after him.

The summer air was as cool as his father’s heart after Eduard came home with a bad test result that one time. Logan struggled on the cobblestones, looking around at everyone in wonder. There were a few locals about, but it was mostly drunk tourists. People sat outside restaurants and pubs, and groups of friends walked past them.

Logan took Eduard’s hand and set off in a random direction. Eduard immediately began sweating up a storm at the touch. People didn’t touch him, and he didn’t hold hands in public. He squirmed at the stares, but Logan was so big and tough and no one would mess with him. He was warm, too.

Eduard told him all about the Old Town, about the different buildings and the history of Tallinn, and when Logan started to panic over the lack of familiar buildings, Eduard sang to him softly. Logan seemed to appreciate it, even if it didn’t help his overall mood.

The two of them stood in the square as Logan ran his fingers through his hair, exhaling sharply.

“Maybe I’ll remember when I’m sober, but right now, my brain’s completely fried.”

“Have your friends replied yet?”

Logan checked his phone. “No. Nothing. Dickheads.”

Eduard sighed. “Look, you can stay at my place, if you like. I can get you a blanket and you can sleep on the sofa.”

“Sounds cold,” Logan whined, rubbing the back of Eduard’s hand with a thumb.

“Okay, you have the bed and I sleep on the sofa.”

“I mean…” Logan glanced at him, “if there’s only one bed… we could always… share it.”

Eduard’s heart stopped for a moment. He’d never shared a bed with anyone, romantically or platonically. He couldn’t even imagine what that would feel like to lie next to another person. Cuddle them. Maybe even kiss them. Feel warmth and affection for once in his life.

“That’s ridiculous,” he spluttered, “unless you’re serious.” He hoped Logan was.

Logan squeezed his hand. “Very serious.”

Eduard felt things tingle in his spine. “Well, it’s- it’s not far. Just around the corner.” He reached a hand in his pocket to begin fumbling for his keys; he wasn’t letting Logan go. It had been a while since he’d had another person stay over, and he was terrified Logan would change his mind.

Logan only seemed to have one thing on his mind, when they got to Eduard’s front door and he wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, chin resting on Eduard’s shoulder. Something poked at his butt.

This was the closest he’d come to doing a sex in his entire life.

He lead Logan across the hallway and upstairs, shushing him every time he tried to talk in that booming, accented voice he could barely understand. He was convinced that someone would come out to tell them off any second now. He unlocked the door to his flat and pushed Logan inside.

When he opened the door, an overly-pampered Pomeranian started barking at him, annoyed at being left alone for most of the day.

“A baby!”

Logan dashed over to the doggy and started stroking her face, making kissy noises and speaking in gibberish. Siiri looked utterly terrified at the intruder, glancing at Eduard for help. Logan picked her up and let her lick his face, before kissing every inch of hers.

“Oh, you’re baby! A baby baby! Beautiful baby baby! I love you!”

“Siiri.”

“Like the… phone?”

“No. But also yes.”

“I love her so much, I’m going to steal her.”

“Don’t!”

“Okay, okay. But I love her. She’s the best, aren’t you Siiri-wiiri,” he smushed her face and rubbed her belly.

Eduard just shook his head. “So, you’ve been immersing yourself in Estonian culture?” asked Eduard, hanging up his coat neatly.

“You could say that,” Logan replied, kicking off his crocs. “Or, at least, immersing my di-”

“Yes, thank you.”

“In Estonians.”

“Alright! Tried any Estonian food?”

“Pu-”

“No!”

“Di-”

“No!”

“But yeah, been eating weird Estonian food.”

“Estonian food isn’t weird.”

“It is, but I kinda like it. Good potatoes, and meats. Lots of meats.”

Eduard decided to pretend he didn’t pick up on the innuendo. “Have you tried kohuke?”

“Like when a bunch of guys nut on someone’s face?”

“That’s bukkake. I mean no, shush. I don’t know what bukkake is. Kohuke is the best and you need to try it.”

“I will! I’ll make a note of that.” After several attempts to unlock his phone, Logan finally opened up his notes and Eduard saw him type “eat cookei”. He decided to move on.

“And the sauna?”

“Never got to one.”

“Your flat doesn’t have a sauna?”

“Yours does? Doos? Doe? Your doe? Anyway, you have a sauna?”

“Of course. What kind of Estonian would I be without one? Would you like to try it?”

“I don’t have my swimming trunks.”

This man got his dick out in public, but wanted to wear swimming trunks in the sauna? Westerners baffled Eduard.

“You go in the sauna naked.”

“Really? Well, I wouldn’t want to disrespect the local culture.” He took off his shirt.

“Yeah, it’s not a weird thing for us. You have public saunas, and families sauna together.”

“So you’ve seen your dad’s dick? Your mum’s snatch?” Logan cackled.

“It’s a normal thing.”

“So Estonians see all the dicks they want, then.”

“Do you want to go in or not?”

“Nah, I will, if you go in with me.”

“Of course.”

“Can I pee in it?”

“Absolutely not.”

“So it’s not like a shower, then?”

Eduard didn’t dignify that with a response, and wandered into the bathroom to get the sauna running. Nice and boiling hot, just how he liked it. The tourist wouldn’t be able to stand it; there was no way he’d be strong enough. If he was still conscious by the time he got out it was too cold.

Logan followed him, taking off his jorts and boxers, and Eduard realised he’d made a terrible mistake.

This man’s penis was at least 6 inches longer than his own.

It looked like a kohuke, actually. But bigger and veinier and rounder. And covered in hair. And Eduard couldn’t take his eyes off it. He wanted it in him like serotonin. Was there any polite way of asking this man to fuck him? He looked like he’d be up for fucking anything.

“I knew you Europeans were all perverts!” Logan covered his junk, and Eduard blushed. “Am I just a piece of meat to you? A hot, foreign piece of quality Australian meat to object-iffy?”

“Sorry, I- sorry. I just… I’ll get naked too, so it’s less weird.” It would probably make things even weirder, and he was a little self-conscious about the 3-inch punisher, but the alternative was having a naked man trapped in his flat and that was just dodgy.

It was weird, being attracted to men with big dicks. It was hot, definitely, and the thought that it might rupture his internal organs and kill him was a nice bonus - not in a freaky way, just in a sad one - but he was as insecure as he was horny. What if they were judging him? What if Logan went back to his friends to laugh at him?

He also got nervous about taking it, but that never stopped him. Hypothetically.

At least it wasn’t cold in the bathroom, he decided as he took off his trousers. That might give him an extra centimetre.

The two of them sat down. He tried to look at his face and make conversation, but the only thought his brain could come up with was along the lines of “it’s three times your size, six inches bigger, a whole three times the size of your dick, it might even be seven inches bigger, maths isn’t happening right now, you could line three of your dicks up and it would be approximately the size of his, please, for the love of god, do not get a boner”.

Too late.

Logan looked at it. Eduard pointedly looked at the glass. He wanted to evaporate into the steam. There was a long period of silence. And then Logan let out a fart: fat, long, and moist. He shut his eyes and smiled, relishing in it for its 10-second entirety.

“That was a good one.”

Eduard was too busy trying not to gag to reply. The smell was fucking rancid, like a skunk had crawled up his arse and died like a week ago. And in the sauna, it was ten times worse.

Logan got himself up and checked the seat. “Just… don’t want to have shat myself. I mean, I can usually tell when I’ve shit, because I start screaming, but it doesn’t hurt to check. We good? Yeah, we’re good. Shit-free this time.”

“Great.” Well, Eduard no longer had a boner.

“Smells fucking ripe though. Take a whiff of that!”

Eduard was trying very hard not to.

“She’s a wet one!”

“Indeed.”

Logan poured water onto the coals. “You ever fuck in these?” he asked. Eduard wasn’t sure whether or not this was an improvement.

“No. That’s disgusting. We’re shedding dead skin; the last thing this water vapor needs is syphilis.” No one fucked in his bed either, but that was beside the point.

“I don’t have siff… that. Anymore. I don’t think.”

Eduard had the disgusting thought that Logan’s dick was that size due to being stuffed full of STDs like a poorly-made teddy bear, or the desired state of his butthole, then he realised that was the kind of anatomical thinking from a guy that didn’t get laid, and hated his surgeon dad enough to refuse to learn about biology.

“Would you even wanna try fucking in this?”

“No, never. The sauna is sacred. I have a bed, though.” He didn’t know if it was the drink or his dick that said that last bit.

“We’re fucking in that, then?”

“Y-yeah,” he squeaked. Was it really that easy? He looked at Logan’s penis and his butthole quivered in anticipation.

Logan took his hand, and squeezed it reassuringly before kissing him, tenderly and lovingly. Just like how Eduard had imagined Harrison Ford doing to him as a teen. Eduard tried not to immediately start crying.

“Thanks.”

“Are you okay?”

“Can you kiss me again, maybe, please, if it’s no trouble?”

Logan laughed at him and kissed him again. He was so warm. He wrapped his arms around Eduard in the hug his parents never gave him. Then again, if Eduard’s parents had given him naked hugs he’d be a different kind of messed up.

“Bed?”

Eduard nodded. “Yeah, it’s in my room.”

They got out of the sauna. Eduard didn’t bother to get dressed, but Logan went out of his way to put his socks back on. Then his crocs and fanny pack, which had “the best almends in tawn” scrawled in tipex, upside down too. Implying Logan didn’t take it off to write that. He knew the reference: the almond cart a few streets down. They were some good-ass almonds, but were now ruined.

“My nips are cold,” he whined. “They need warming. With your mouth-hole.”

Eduard had no idea how to respond, so put his mouth on one of Logan’s nipple’s like a fish, and just kept it there.

“Fucking hell, you never sucked a titty before?”

“I have! Several!” He’d sucked no titties in his life. His mother never even bothered breastfeeding him. He tried to suck Logan’s.

“I think maybe we should just get to the butt-peeing.”

“The what ?”

“I’m just kidding, haha, unless you’re down?”

“No!”

“Okay, just kidding.”

Eduard realised he was going to have to suck this guy’s dick. This monster schlong had to somehow fit in his mouth. And it might have pee on it.

He also realised that this meant someone liked him enough to let him do that, so he let the thought go.

Logan picked him up tenderly, and Eduard curled up against his warm chest like one of those hairless raw chicken cats. Logan kissed the top of his head, and he squeezed his eyes shut to hold back a tear of loneliness.

"So, mate, where's your bedroom?"

"Second door on the left."

Logan carried him into the bedroom and gently set him down on the bed.

“Now, I know you’ve probably heard your first time is supposed to hurt, but it won’t if we prepare properly.” He kissed his forehead.

“This isn’t my first time! I fuck frequently!”

“Okay, I believe you. Still gonna take it easy on you.”

“Please dick me to death.”

“Still sad about the song contest thing, yeah?” He stroked his hair.

“I have clinical depression.”

“Want me to choke you?”

“ I have clinical depression . And daddy issues.”

“So, yes?”

“ Please .”

“I got something else you can choke on. Unless you can unhinge your jaw like a snake. That would be hot.”

“I can’t. I can devour almost a whole bottle of vodka in one go though, so… close enough?”

“So I just have to nut a vodka bottle’s worth? I can do that.”

“I mean. You don’t have to.”

“No, I’m gonna.”

“Look, I’ll try if you nut like a human being and not a fire hose.” Eduard took this incredible, magnificent penis in his hands - both, because it was thick - and gave it a lick. It was warm, and rubbery. He liked the warmth of another human being.

“C’mon,” Logan groaned, “Your dog licks better.”

“Fuck her then. No wait, don’t!” Eduard looked at the purple baton. “I’m just… out of practice. I’ll get the hang of it.”

“How out of practice?”

“Do I look like I’ve been counting the years?”

“Yes. You wear glasses. Surely it would only be one hand’s worth anyway.”

“No. And I can’t count on the other one, I’m using it for other things.”

“Jacking off til you pass out? Whilst crying?”

“Shush.”

“Take that as a yes.”

“Also drinking. But… not far off.”

“You gonna suck this dick or what?”

Eduard’s distaste for being bossed about flared up, and he wrinkled his nose. “Suck your own dic- I mean yeah.”

“We can stop if you want.”

“Fuck no.” Eduard swallowed the dick like he frequently swallowed his pride. He slowly put the whole thing in his mouth; that’s what you were supposed to do, right? It’s what the beautiful women on pornhub did. Was he supposed to fit the balls in too? Logan’s were fucking massive, so he hoped not, but maybe he should, just to be on the safe side.

“Christ, mate, let yourself breathe!”

He pulled off of him. “I’m good.”

“You’re gonna do yourself some damage.”

“You’re flattering yourself.”

“You seen this thing? I’ve earned it.”

“And I’ll suck the soul outta you.”

“So did your dad leave or just not love you?”

“I’ll bite your dick.”

“Hot.”

“How do I threaten you without you being horny about it?”

“You can’t.”

Eduard sighed and sucked his dick like it was the titty his mother denied him. Every time he made a choking sound, Logan groaned, but Ed had no gag reflex so all was well. Sometimes, he sounded like he was coughing up a hairball, but it was endearing in a way. Logan stroked his hair, and Eduard closed his eyes at the touch like a loving, affectionate cat. He tried to meet his eyes, but it felt weird so he stuck to staring at his bellybutton.

Eventually, Logan pulled his head back. “Okay, I think it’s your turn.”

“I can carry on if you want.”

He just chuckled. “Get up.”

Eduard awkwardly arranged himself on the bed, his legs a little apart. “Like this?”

“Yeah,” Logan rested his cheek on Eduard’s knee, giving him a caring smile before going down.

Eduard’s soul left his fucking body at the feeling of having his dick sucked. Logan wasn’t shy, looking him right in the eyes as he milked his little yoghurt machine. He’d clearly had practice, licking it like it was ice cream and sucking like a vacuum cleaner. If Eduard hadn’t already blown at least 40 loads into his hand during the week, he might have nutted right then and there.

He heard the clattering of claws, and a series of barks.

Logan had forgotten to close the door.

“Siiri!” cried Ed, “get out! Bad dog! Go to bed!”

Logan stopped sucking his dick, and it flopped onto Eduard’s stomach with a wet pop. Logan’s spit quickly cooled, and he didn’t like the feeling.

“Aww, let her stay.” Logan reached over and lifted her onto the bed. He fussed over the little dog, with the stupid, high-pitched voice and rubbing her belly.

“We can’t let her stay in my room! We’re doing sex!” He covered himself self-consciously, as if Siiri was judging.

“So? My dog watches me.”

“That’s just weird.” Eduard got to his feet, picked up Siiri, and bowled her gently out the door. “No watching, and go to sleep.”

Siiri barked at him.

“Yeah, yip to you too.” He shut the door and sat back down on the bed. “I think I have a condom.” He reached for his wallet; there was a condom he kept there, for miracles. It was probably older than Siiri, but its day had finally come.

The moment he took it out, it disintegrated in his hand. Miracles were hard to come by.

“That’s okay,” Logan kissed his neck, “bareback’s better.”

Eduard was going to get every STD known to man, and a few undiscovered ones too, but, at that moment, he was too horny to care. “Alright, how- how do you want me to do this?”

“Maybe…” Logan thought about it, “we start with missionary. Then we can gayly gaze into each other’s eyes.”

“A gay’s gaze.”

“Yes! Then after, maybe doggy cause then it’s like we’re mating.”

“We’re sticking to missionary.”

“Aww, you like these eyes?”

“I like not being compared to animals.” He did have nice eyes though.

Logan tenderly placed a hand to his chest and pushed him back on the bed. He held Eduard’s hand, and leaned in for a kiss. Eduard couldn’t remember the last time he’d had his hand held.

“Thank you.” His voice cracked.

Logan blinked. Was that the wrong thing to say? He didn’t comment on it, though, and focused on kissing Eduard’s neck.

“Ya got any lube?”

“I have lotion. Will that work.”

“Of course you d- yeah that works.”

Eduard reached into the bedside table for his bottle of lotion.

“This is nice stuff, for jacking-off lotion.”

“I like how vanilla smells.”

“It does smell nice,” he agreed, sniffing the bottle.

“Use some if you want.”

Logan rubbed it between his hands. “Nice. This why you so smooth?”

“Mm.”

“Like a shark.”

“Please don’t fuck a shark.”

“I won’t. Not until I’m done with you.” He spread Eduard’s legs as he spread lotion over his fingers. Eduard shuddered as Logan circled his butthole with a finger before slipping it in.

Eduard swore, but in Estonian so Logan wouldn’t know. It felt like taking a shit, but in a sexy way.

“You know sharks have two dicks?” said Logan for conversation.

“A weird thing to say when you’re fingering me.” Eduard gave a groan, and then a rattling breath as Logan added another finger. “Could you slow down, please?” he whimpered. Logan nodded and took out his second finger.

“Sure thing, mate. It’s okay.” He massaged Eduard’s shoulder as he fingered him with one finger.

“Your hands are so big,” he whined. “It feels like I’m getting a rectal exam from Jason Momoa.”

“Shit, mate, I ain’t even put me dick in yet.”

“Yeah, gonna need you to prepare me a lot more.” Eduard was having a good time, but his butthole had been so empty lately it was tighter than a nipple clamp and gathering dust.

Logan fingered him like a bowling ball, slowly opening up his tight bootyhole in a way his dad never did when he was little. A wee fucking ghost that had been forgotten there just came out of the butt, yelled “WOOOO” and flew out the window. Okay, Logan made that last part up, but his shitter was dusty af.

He lubed that asshole up like a slip n’ slide. He fingered it until it looked like a canyon in the middle of a very flat plain. When Logan spanked Ed’s cheek, it sounded hollow.

Even though Eduard had a normally deep voice, it went all high and bottom-y as he moaned from the spank. Logan raised an eyebrow.

“Shit, think ya ready?”

“I- yeah. Ready as I’ll ever be.”

Logan put his fanny batter splatterer into Eduard’s red dwarf and Eduard’s mind hit reset. It was bigger than any shit he’d ever taken, but still moved against his rectum like one. Logan put his dick halfway in, then paused.

“You okay,” he clutched Eduard’s sweaty hand.

He nodded.

“Are you crying?”

“What? No. Don’t let go of my hand though.”

Logan nodded, then stuck his wingwang in down to the balls. The balls weren’t meant to go in too, right? Eduard was sure it was about to come out of his mouth it was so big. He felt like a kebab.

He moaned from the dick and cried from the handholding, but this was the best he’d felt in months. He never wanted it to end. But knowing how long he lasted, it would all too soon. He mentally congratulated himself for lasting this long. He had been expecting to nut in the sauna, the second he undressed. Logan went slowly at first, letting him get used to the feeling, but when Eduard gave the word, he picked up the pace, hips and nuts slapping against Eduard’s arse and making the noise of someone slapping a raw chicken with a raw fish. He wondered if he’d get salmonella from Logan’s dick along with the 30 or so STDs he’d have after this. It also sounded a bit like using a toilet plunger on a turd-blocked shitter. Eduard now wished he’d hurry up and orgasm so maybe his brain would turn off for a second and he’d stop thinking stupid shit.

“You like that? You like my chunky thundermeat?”

Eduard wished he could say he didn’t. But he did. His butthole wouldn’t later, but for now he was groaning like that time he discovered autoerotic asphyxiation. And egg-mayo sandwiches.

Logan went harder. Not insanely hard, just enough to have Eduard moaning and whimpering and begging for more. His soul felt like when you hold the start button on a computer instead of shutting it down manually because it was broken. His soul was healing, becoming reanimated. Or maybe he was just really, really horny and touch-starved.

“Big,” he mumbled, trying to get words out of his mouth semi-coherently.

“Yeah? You like the big meat, then?”

“It’s lovely. Thank you.”

“No… no problem.” Logan kissed him to shut him up. Then choked him and Ed came like Jesus. Shortly after, Logan bust a chunky nut in Eduard’s bootyhole. He moaned at the moisture in his colon, and at the cold rush on his back as Logan pulled out and collapsed next to him. He arranged his duvet so that the cold air could hit his aching hole as he held onto him. Logan cuddled him gently, wrapping the rest of the duvet around them.

“Was that good? Did I do good? Tell me I did a good sex.”

“You did a great sex.” He kissed his forehead. “I’m proud of you.”

Eduard was definitely crying now. No one had ever been proud of him before. Maybe it was the alcohol, and being in the arms of a naked man, but he felt exposed. Vulnerable. Like he was about to start oversharing at any minute.

“Stay with me,” he whispered, “I want you to stay with me forever.” Well, at least he wasn’t talking about his childhood.

“I have to go in the morning, I’m afraid,” Logan mumbled, “but I’ll be back. And we have tonight.”

Eduard nodded. “Yes. Please hold me tonight.”

Logan kissed his temple, lips warm against cold sweat. “I will, baby.”

...

The sun filtered through the curtains the next morning, hurting Eduard’s eyes through his eyelids, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret drinking. He woke up in Logan’s arms, held tenderly to his chest in a way his touch-starved self had only fantasized about before.

So this was what affection felt like. He wanted more.

For the first time in his life, Eduard didn’t feel like getting up right away. He let a sleeping Logan hold him. He was so lovely and warm, like a sauna, he didn’t want him to go.

When Logan woke up, he didn’t seem to be in a rush either. He opened his eyes halfway, smiled at him, and let out a long fart. Lovely.

“Sleep well?”

Eduard nodded.

“Sorry,” Logan eventually prized himself away, “I’ll be back to spoon, but is it alright if I just give my dick a quick wash? Gotta keep it clean. Do it after every root, just to keep the infections at bay.”

Eduard nodded weakly, and Logan disappeared.

What the fuck kind of moron just nutted in him? The kind that thought tap water got rid of gonorrhoea? He’d have to be tested for everything now. And disinfect the sauna. Or just burn and rebuild it. Kill their airborne herpes, and the probable skidmarks on the wooden bench. Eduard couldn’t believe his beloved sauna now resembled some disgusting Polish sauna.

Not to mention he'd have to bulldoze the sink, shower and anything else his penis had touched. Then the toilet, judging by the distant screaming.

Logan came back, drying his cock with toilet paper. “Sorry bout that. Found out the hard - heh - way that you’re not allowed to use an airport sink to clean your junk.” He climbed back into bed and cuddled up to Eduard. The guy was so lucky he was warm and nice and had a massive dick. Eduard wouldn't have minded a round two. It wasn’t like he could get infected twice. “I’m not allowed into so many airports.”

“What time do you have to leave?” he asked, deciding he didn’t have time to unpack all of that, no matter when he had to leave.

“Not til this evening, baby,” Logan kissed the back of his neck.

“Great, we can do like a hundred sex.”

“You want me to pee in your butt all day or what?”

“Maybe do something else.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, literally anything else.”

“I mean… I could shit in your butt.”

“Please just have sex with me and don’t talk for the entire time.”

“I can do that. And after that maybe I should get home and get packed. I’m meant to leave.”

“Do you know how to get home?”

“Toldja last night. Pink house. Orange roof.”

“Do you have an address?”

“Maybe. We’ll see.”

“Feel like you should know the address of your own airbnb.”

“What are you, my dad?”

“I hope not. You wrecked my butthole last night.”

“And I’ll wreck it again today if ya want.”

“I do, we already established that.”

Logan climbed back into bed and kissed him, scrambling for the lotion. He lubed Eduard up then clapped those cheeks like white people when the plane lands. Eduard lay on his stomach, too lazy to do anything else, just enjoying this guy’s fat nuts hitting him like a wrecking ball as his ass got drilled for the second time.

He knew his neighbours could hear him - he could always hear them - but he didn’t care. Revenge time. He moaned like a hungry cat as Logan choked and kissed him, stroking his hair. Even when he was being rough, he was gentle with him. Caring. Tender. His hand was tight on his throat but his lips were gentle.

Eduard moaned as Logan ate his ass like a rack of ribs, then put the dick back in and put him in a load of different positions whilst Eduard tried not to fart. Or nut early. When he did nut, Logan wasn’t far behind. He collapsed next to him, pulling Eduard into a hug and kissing his cheek lazily. He was so warm.

“You’re pretty,” he mumbled, “you got nice eyes.”

Eduard blushed. “So do you. I’m not sure I have, though, I mean, my glasses sorta get in the way-”

Logan took them off, then stroked his fringe back. “Beautiful.”

“Blind.”

He smiled and handed his glasses back, after wiping droplets of nut off them. “Wow, you’re an amazing sniper.”

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

“One time I sniped a spider on the ceiling with my nut. Proudest moment. Glad I’d had a wank instead of bothering with kids.”

Eduard nodded, because he had no idea what to say to that. He didn’t want to leave Logan’s arms, but he needed to get up. But then the spell would be broken, and reality would set in and Logan would be gone.

“I need to shower,” he mumbled, making no attempt to move. Logan caught on.

“We can shower together.”

“But then we’ll see each other naked.”

“Ed, baby, we’ve already seen each other naked. We’re naked now.”

Eduard gasped. “Then maybe we can walk around naked and shower naked together!”

“And have a goodbye fuck in the shower. Nice and warm.”

Eduard nodded. “Nice and warm.”

...

Logan’s violet vuvuzela looked like it had been microwaved after it’s third nut in 24 hours, and Eduard’s hole looked like the Darvaza gas crater in Turkmenistan. He could barely stand up, his legs were shaking from his latest orgasm. He clung to Logan, who kissed his neck lazily. The shower still rained down on them, warming Eduard’s shoulders. Logan’s now sported tiny bruises where Eduard had clutched them, and scratches all down his back.

“I’m gonna fucking miss you,” Logan growled in his ear, huskily like Balto, “and I’m gonna miss fucking you.”

“Me too,” Eduard buried his face in his chest, trying not to cry again. He’d done his crying for the year now. “Come on, we gotta find out where you live.”

“Oh, Fabs texted me while I was on the shitter earlier,” said Logan, “they’ve got all my stuff packed and I can meet ‘em at the airport. Means we have a few hours before we gotta go there. We can do anything you want.” He played with Eduard’s nipples.

“I think we’ve been cooped up in here long enough, also my hole needs a rest. I’ll show you round the city, now you’ve sobered up.”

Logan thought about it, then nodded. “I’d like that. Be nice to go home having actually learnt something. Other than Estonians hate it when I try and talk Estonian.”

“It’s the accent. It butchers all languages.”

“To be honest, people don’t like it when I speak English either. Or any language.”

“Maybe it’s what you say, rather than how you pronounce it.”

“So are you gonna take me sightseeing or what?”

...

Eduard didn’t want him to go. He wanted Logan to stay and hold and raw him forever, but, instead, he pulled away like he didn’t pull out and left to go through security with a wave, leaving Eduard, heartbroken in the middle of the airport.

Their day together had been magical, even if everything Logan said out loud was horrendous. Sometimes, he’d even managed to make Eduard laugh. Sometimes.

But he’d asked questions, about both Eduard and Estonia, and Eduard appreciated that. He also giggled at any Estonian word that sounded vaguely rude (depoo? Really?), but Eduard could look past that. Most importantly, he’d had fun with another human being for the first time in forever.

But Logan was gone, without so much as a number.

Eduard could look him up, stalk him on every social media, but he’d be too afraid to follow him. Besides, this weekend hadn’t meant anything to Logan. He’d move on. He’d probably sleep with half the plane before it made it back to Australia. Eduard was nothing to him.

So he might as well move on.

...

The sounds of laughter filled the bar. The whole of the choir sat around a table, struggling to find empty places to put their beers down among the sea of empty pint glasses. Eduard sat with them, sipping his beer, listening politely to the conversation but not contributing a word.

One of their sopranos stood up from her seat, holding up her glass. “Congratulations to all of us! We worked really hard, and if any of the choirs performing tonight earned it, I think it was us. Who wants another round?”

Eduard cheered with the rest of them. He had won! Well. Him and the rest of them. But he’d had a solo, so technically him.

To think this time last year, he’d been at this very bar, - alone because everyone found him unbearable - drinking away his sorrows, and now he was with his whole choir, celebrating their latest win. He still thought about that night every now and then.

He took a moment out from the festivities as the choir launched into a drunken reprise of their songs to use the toilets. As nice as they were, it was nice to celebrate in his head, silently, to relish in his victory without screaming it from the rooftops. He replayed that moment, the cheers of the crowd as they were announced the winners, the nearest singer tackling him into a hug with excitement.

And then someone took the urinal next to him, rolling his jorts down to his ankles. He glanced aside bitterly, but-

Oh, shit. He’d know that meat hammer anywhere.

He almost pissed all over him tripping over his own feet, but he composed himself, zipped his jeans back up, and turned to look at him.

“Logan?”

He grinned back at him, not ceasing his piss. It was like a water cannon. “Long time, no see.”

Eduard gazed at him, not sure what he was meant to say. “Very.”

“Small world.”

“Mhmm.”

“Kidding. I was actually hoping I’d bump into you.”

“Why?”

“What?”

“I mean… why are you here, not,, that sounded self-pitying.”

He leaned on the wall seductively, still peeing. “Well, you know, I read somewhere there’s this legendary song festival going on. Thought I’d check it out.”

Eduard grinned. “Oh, yeah. Heard that’s good.”

“And there was this guy on one of the choirs who had… well, in my opinion, at least, the guy had the voice of an angel. He looked kinda familiar, too. Couldn’t quite place him.” Logan flicked twice for Jesus and put his dick back in his pants.

“How did he do in the competition?”

Logan tilted his head at him, glancing between Eduard’s eyes and lips. “I think his choir won, actually. They’re in some bar now, belting out folk songs.”

Eduard laughed. “Yeah, they were good, weren’t they?”

“They were amazing.”

“Did you… come all the way to Estonia to see me perform?”

Logan scratched the back of his head. “Well, it’s a nice country. I sort of saw all the sights in one morning last time I was here, and… well. I guess the men here really are something.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Maybe.”

“You think I’m a good singer?”

“You won, didn’t you?”

“I guess we did.”

“Actually, there’s another reason I went to Estonia.”

“Mm?”

“Well, there was this really nice little sauna. Really relaxing. I used it on my last night there. Really sweated me out good. I was wondering if I could have another go in it. Just for a bit?”

“You inviting yourself over?”

“Uh-”

“Into my sauna , no less? You realise that’s like… Estonian equivalent of asking if you can rob someone’s house?”

“Sorry.”

Eduard laughed at him. “I’m kidding. Come on, let’s get home.”

[whimpering-hearts]

You’ve mentioned offhandedly in the past, scenarios where 2p America, 2p China, and 2p Germany live together, could you further elaborate?

ღ Oh boy.

ღ First, some background: Jason, Xiao, and Lars have been good friends - best friends, if you ask Xiao - since the 1990s. 

ღ Theirs is a friendship founded on a love for terrible beer and bad life choices.

ღ Honestly, you could call these three the Frat Boy Trio because when they get together, that’s what they become: total frat boys.

ღ See also: Dude Bro Trio.

ღ Their favorite activities to do together include: 

going to bars and getting completely shit-faced, 

watching competitive sports, 

doing increasingly dangerous and stupid stunts in an attempt to re-assert their masculinity, and

picking up cute men and/or women.

ღ Now, some sad truths about this friendship.

ღ Jason and Lars are better friends than either of them are with Xiao. In fact, Xiao is seen as the “tag-along,” especially by Jason.

ღ Jason keeps Xiao around because Xiao looks up to Jason - practically glorifies him - and will do whatever Jason tells him to do.

ღ Usually this ends in Xiao making a fool of himself or being the butt of some joke, because Jason finds that shit hilarious.

ღ Lars honestly feels pretty bad for Xiao - he’ll never say it to Xiao’s face, but Xiao’s kind of a loser - so he tries to include him when he can.

ღ But if these three ever lived together…

ღ Dear lord, they’d give Jacques a run for his money in the ‘look at this fucking mess’ department.

ღ Jason is shit at housework because he’s so used to Oliver doing everything for him.

ღ I mean, the guy lived with his dad until the 1920s, and he still brings his laundry over for Oliver to wash.

ღ Yes. 

ღ He takes his dirty laundry overseas for his dad to run through the wash.

ღ (He says it makes “the old man” feel useful, but truth is he’s lazy as fuck.)

ღ Lars is also shit at housework, because he and Jan personify the stereotype of two hopeless bachelors living together.

ღ And Xiao isn’t terrible at housework, but he spent much of his youth living in poverty and now tends to hoard and clutter his living space.

ღ Of the three, Lars and Jason are probably the best cooks.

ღ Granted, Lars’ idea of cooking is usually blending together a smoothie or a protein shake.

ღ Fun fact: Lars did the 30-day Soylent challenge. It was awful.

ღ And there was that one time Lars cooked a steak with a flamethrower he found in his basement. They only tasted mildly burnt.

ღ Jason loves making vegan recipes he finds on Pinterest, but Jason is also lazy and hates doing dishes.

ღ Once he runs out of clean dishes he stops cooking, and switches to eating raw vegetables and nuts.

ღ He’s waiting for the day someone invents disposable cookware so he can avoid this dilemma entirely.

ღ And then there is Xiao.

ღ Sweet, lovable Xiao whose idea of cooking is adding random things to rice, even things that should not be added to rice.

ღ If you’ve never read the Reddit thread about the guy who combined suggested foods with rice, please do.

ღ Why?

ღ Because that guy is probably Xiao in disguise.

ღ No, but seriously, as the representative of South China, where the land and weather is best suited for rice cultivation, Xiao is a slut for rice.

ღ He especially loves rice doused in any sort of hot, spicy sauce.

ღ Lars and Jason are not sluts for rice, but Jason is a slut for making Xiao eat weird things with his rice.

ღ Especially if it makes Xiao throw up, because that’s fucking hilarious.

ღ Here are some things to look out for if you ever decide to shack up with this disastrous trio:

ღ Apparently none of them know how to change a toilet paper roll, because they just sit it on the dispenser like heathens.

ღ And they leave dirty dishes in the sink for days.

ღ Also, seeing how much trash they can fit in, on, or around the trash can is a competitive sport, and they love to see who can stack that shit the highest before it topples over in an avalanche of no.

ღ Speaking of trash, they love to try to throw trash into the can - and often miss by a large margin. This would be okay if they ever picked the trash up, but they don’t.

ღ The entire place smells like man funk and sweaty ass. You can blame Lars and Jason for this one - they both are very active and tend to sit around in their own sweat after a hard day of working out or just working.

ღ Xiao likes to draw faces on the eggs, especially when he’s high. They’re usually sad faces because Lars’ uncomfortable look when he goes to make breakfast is hilarious to sober!Xiao.

ღ Speaking of Xiao, he likes to take empty bear cans and building intricate sculptures out of them.

ღ And Jason likes to see how many cans he can take away from the sculpture before it topples over.

[meeks-writing]

Sometimes Love is not Enough [Throwing Lemons]

Chapter 7: Butterfly Effect

Eijirou never had been on the market at the side of the city. But he loved it the moment they arrived. The bustling noises, all these people, the different scents. His hearts beat fast in excitement. It was hard to concentrate on things when there were a billion things happening at once. Merchants yelled for customers to look at their goods or that their prizes were the best, people strolled around, laughing, some fighting, birds singing in delight of the sunrise, the soft wind gliding through already yellow leaves, it was so perfect Eijirou had to stop and stare for a while.

Til a strong hand cupped his forearm pulling him along. “Fuck, god. Don’t act like a four-year-old! We have things to do! This isn’t a shitty date where we just stroll around. We are here for work!”

“Wait. Does that mean I get paid for this?” Eijirou said with a huge ass smile. Normally Katsuki would hate it but somehow he felt less agitated. After the strange moment in the car. He had almost suspected to have broken him. Not that he cared anyway. But somehow… this sunshine smile seemed worth to not break it. At least not willingly.

“If you ask like that, no!” Of course, he would pay him! But the stupid question didn’t deserve a decent answer. Katsuki couldn’t believe that this kind of attitude was what was popular among the customers. He actually was kind of useful.

The redhead laughed. “Oh, C’mon man. Don’t be like that! I am totally short on money. And my landlord is already eyeing me!”

“Tch!” Katsuki replied. “I bet you are just too dumb to handle your money. Throw it out for utter nonsense instead of paying your rent or buy food.”

“No! I only spend my money on the most important things!”

“What’s more important than fucking food and shelter?”

The look on Kirishima’s face is that of utter disbelief. As if the answer were obvious. “Happiness of course!”

The angry blond snorted! “Didn’t know you could buy happiness, now.”

“Of course not like that. But in some ways, you can. Everyone wishes for something and gaining that grants you happiness.”

“So, you actually spend all your money for junk your fickle mind might want in that instant!”

“No! No, I spent it on gifts! I love to make other people smile. That’s my happiness. Knowing that I have a positive impact on other people’s lives.”

“Gosh. Being a helplessly naive idealist with a helper complex isn’t enough for you. You have to be a fucking altruist, too! Who the hell are you? Santa Clause?” he looked him up and down. “Well… with all that petty red you could fucking be!”

“Thanks, man!”

“That’s not a motherfucking compliment, dipshit!”

Eijirou laughed. “Aw, come on, man. I know you like me.”

As an answer, he received only a choked snort while Katsuki stopped walking. “How the god fucking hell did I ever gave you the shitty impression that I may in any way ever could possible like you?”

“You nursed me and made up a reason to check on me without the busy surrounding of the restaurant.”

“Fuck you! I didn’t! Stop imagining things!” A pause. “Did you at least go to the hospital?”

“Oh…”

“Oh, what?!”

“I totally forgot that! It’s not really hurting anymore. So I forgot to look after the wound at all.”

A frustrated groan escaped Bakugou’s throat. “How stupid can one person be?”

The blond stomped away directly to one of the booths. Not looking back to Eijirou at all. “Hey old man. Whaddaya have for me today?”

“Good morning Katsuki. I see you’re in a good mood today.” the man replied. He was a man in his forties, Eijirou guessed. He liked the easy smile on the older man’s lips. And it seemed that he knew Bakugou quit well since Katsuki seemed to be his given name. Thank goodness he didn’t have to ask. “I have all of the usual. My eggplants are very well grown this season. May want to try something new?”

“‘Course!” Bakugou snapped and Eijirou had to smile while stopping next to the blond who looked at some eggplants like a jeweler would look at a diamond trying to find some flaws. This concentrated expression while the world had died down around him, was incredibly cute. Eijirou felt the urge to draw it. But that wasn’t the time so he let himself be distracted from all the colors of fresh vegetables. His stomach growled angrily. Why hadn’t he took his wallet with him? Well, most likely that was empty anyway. Sometimes it was like his money just vanished into thin air. So nothing for him. But still, the apples looked so very tempting…

“The kid had complained about you only ever come to see me and not him. Guess he misses you. The whole squad does.”

While trying not to look like it, Eijirou listened closely. So Bakugou actually had a squad. He smiled to himself. Yes, he really could imagine an angry blond teenage boy pulling everyone’s attention to himself because of his intense aura.

“I don’t care. If dunceface of the other idiots want something they better approach me themselves. I have no time for fucking around. I at least am working!”

The old man laughed, seemed to have awaited an answer like that. “Come on. Just a little text now and then won’t kill you. Of course their missing their friend.”

“Too bad we’re no friends. Finally got rid of that losers. Not gonna make shit for them to come back.” Another laugh of the salesman. He didn’t seem hurt on his poor kid’s behalf. “I see. You already found a new follower.” He glanced at Eijirou who tensed up under the gaze, not knowing what to do with the sudden attention. “Denki will be offended if he’ll hear of that. Can’t promise he won’t storm the restaurant with the rest of the squad tonight.”

“Gosh! I’ll kick his stupid ass if he’s going to dare!”

“I know.” And he really seemed to do. And with that, he dropped the subject. “Do you need some squash, too?”

Katsuki grunted in approval. Choosing all of his vegetables from there on with the same very serious way. Even though it was cute and all, it really took some time and the redhead was starting to get bored just waiting there. He maybe should have taken his books along to learn some more. Or at least anything to draw. “Will you be done anytime soon?” he asked trying not to sound like an impatient child. “Or can I get a look around here?” Despite he had no money with him he wanted to at least look at the many booths and the goods they offered.

“Tchk! Make yourself useful and pack the vegetables up. I’m not paying you for standing around, dipshit.” He pushed a folded box to Eijirou. So he took it immediately, unfolding it and following the orders of his boss, yawning.

His mind started to wander, making him sleepy once more. How should he be able to manage work later? He needed at least 3 hours of sleep for his brain to function in any mathematical way. Why had he agreed to this? Why was Bakugou even doing this ridiculous stressful thing? When he always went to the same vendor every time then why not letting that man deliver the vegetables?

A laugh from the booth owner startled him out of his daze. Bakugou looking at him like he wanted to stab him. Eijirou sighed. How much of that did he say aloud this time? Being sleep deprived almost did this to him.

“I actually thought about starting a delivery service instead of the market. But I can’t lose my favorite customer.” He smiled fondly at the blond. Strange man. His mom would be on the warpath with anyone who has spoken about Eijirou as Bakugou had about this man’s son. But maybe, he didn’t want to start a fight with a regular customer.

“I don’t get it. Why lose him as a customer when Bakugou didn’t have to get out of bed at godforsaken hours when he’s just working till the night.”

He heard the crackling of little explosions besides him. Knowing that this may wasn’t the best way to have put it.

“I just mean if you stopped first at the restaurant he can do this very important selection thing there not having to drive the poor food around more than needed.”

Both men, old and young looked at him dumbfounded as if he was an alien. Eijirou yawned. “Just saying. Not that’s any of my business.” He felt kind of exposed and wished he had more control. Especially when Bakugou just right now growled deeply. A very predator sound. “Apologizing for the first smart thing he said for as long as I know him.” the blond spat even though it sounded more as if he were mumbling to himself expect that he was not silent enough for that… maybe for Bakugou’s voice, it was. Eijirou liked it.

“Never apologize for all the bullshit he blabbers all day, going on my nerves and shit. Can you believe him?”

The older man laughed. He looked at the boys with fondness Kirishima didn’t understand. “Have mercy on the guy he looks like sleep didn’t knock on his door tonight.” “Pff! As if I care! Not my problem that guy is so stupid!”

“Easy Katsuki. You may hurt him. I don’t think he is used to your way of communicating, yet.”

A single snarl was the only answer the old man was regarded with. Eijirou watched the scene baffled. It really seemed that the blond had gone softer around the edges with this man. So maybe he really was just like this… even with people, he did like. How relieving! Probably that was why the old man not reacted to Bakugou insulting his son because he knew how to read between the lines. Oh, Ejirou wanted to do that too! It was definitely a manly thing to let a fellow not go out of his way. Even more so because it seemed like explaining himself was something that didn’t come easily to the blond. On the other hand, Eijirou had always been good with people so it should be easier for him to learn the way Bakugou Katsuki worked. He had wanted to for some time. Now he was pumped.

Just you watch Bakugou Katsuki! I will make you comfortable around me!

This time he actually managed to not blurt out his thoughts. He probably would have been dead otherwise. He watched Bakugou paying and lifted the box. Oof. It really was heavy. He had to harden his shoulder muscles a bit for it to be more comfortable. Out of the corner of his eyes, he observed Bakugou. Somehow he doubted he wouldn’t have been able to do this on his own. Yeah, he had a somewhat slender shape. But Eijirou had a feeling the carrying was not for what he was here actually. It made him feel light as a feather. They worked together for less than a month and Bakugou didn’t seem to be a man that made friends easily. The fact that he denied that he had any was proof enough for that fact. So his goal was set. Not would he win the other over as friend no, he would even make him admit aloud. They would be great as friends. An unstoppable team.

“God, what are you grinning about this time? Saw a butterfly or what?”

A laugh. “No. But if you see a cool one, you have to tell me!”

“I won’t cause something like a cool butterfly doesn’t exist!”

“Of course there is! Never heard that a flap of butterfly wings can cause a storm?! If that isn’t badass. Looking all tiny and cute and then move the forces of nature!”

Bakugou rolled his eyes. “That theory doesn’t have anything to do with butterflies in general. The butterfly is only a metaphor… And no I won’t explain useless shit like that to you when you can’t even keep the important stuff in your cheese holed brain.”

“Naw… but I am curious!”

A sigh. “Fine! If you pass your damn exams, I’ll explain. And now get in the fucking car!”

Eijirou blinked and looked at the car Bakugou had mentioned, that somehow had come out of nowhere. He hadn’t realized that they already arrived at the parking lot.

So he gave the box to Bakugou who already reached for it, to put it into the trunk while the redhead got into the car, the same seat as before, waiting for the blond to follow. The clock of the parking lot showed him that it was already 8 am. It had taken him quite some time. Hadn’t felt like that. His head was kind of fuzzy and his lids were heavy. Maybe he should use the ride to make a little nap.

While his body relaxed his mind wandered. The words of the blond repeating into his head. Could this somehow mean, that Bakugou cared if he actually passed the exam? That he tried to motivate him in some strange way. Despite what he had said before. His heart started beating faster at these thoughts. It was like a curtain had raised just now revealing some small well-hidden truth. He wasn’t sure he was right. He needed to confirm it.

Bakugou shut the trunk which made Eijirou startle a little and open the eyes which he hadn’t know he had closed. Soon Bakugou sat down on the driver's seat and tossing something at Eijirou. He almost failed to catch it. It was an apple.

“This one is stained. Can’t use shit like that. So eat it or throw it away. Don’t care.”

“Sure? I mean the shop owner would replace it for sure!”

The blond already started the engine not looking at his companion once. “Don’t bother. Need to get to the restaurant.” He growled his eyes fixed on the street slightly more than needed.

Eijirou looked at the really delicious looking apple. It was almost perfect. Only one little wound in the size of a thumbnail looking quite new. He tried his best not to grin madly about this. Here it was. His proof. This guy was actually a nice person.

He sank his teeth in the bright red apple. “Hm, so delicious! Thanks, boss!”

The angry blond only growled. But the redhead didn’t bother to ask for more.

The apple really had a perfect rich taste. He had to think of his mom, thinking of her coming over and seeing how poorly he was doing. “Bakugou-san?” The blond flinched being addressed like that. “You were good at school, right?”

“What do you want fuckface? Don’t give me the small talk shit!”

“Would you mind… helping me with my studies?”

“Why should I?”

“I work for free every second Saturday for the dinnertime!”

Bakugou made a sound something between a hum or a growl. He seemed to think about it. “No, you stay after your evening shifts. You help clean up and do the register. I’ll tutor you in lunch-break. So no lunch shifts for you anymore!”

Eijirou was baffled. He hadn’t expected that the blond would do it. The conditions were very convenient for Bakugou he wouldn’t gain much more of it than he already had. But maybe that was Bakugou’s way of taking the help Eijirou had offered him and that was enough. That made sense, didn’t it? At least he couldn’t think of any other reason that would make sense.

A soft smile on his lips his eyes felt close and he fell asleep being softly rocked by the car. He felt so relaxed and wasn’t even bothered by their fight from the morning. His mom had always said that fighting and making up was what made people close. Once she had told him that she had fallen in love with his father like this. But she wouldn’t tell any more. She almost never spoke about his father. And he never asked. she was still hurting too much. Eijirou could understand. His heart throbbed too.

[kindofchaoticgood]

All You Sinners Stand Up (Sing Hallelujah)

In which Harry and Uma make a crazy-ass bet, Gil eats some crab surprise, and everyone else wonders whether Uma and Harry are just completely unaware of the fact that “best friends” don’t constantly flirt with each other or whether they’re just idiots.

“No fucking way!”

“Yes fucking way,” Harry counters, slapping Gil on the back. “You can do it, can’t you mate?”

Gil shrugs and gives a guileless grin. “Sure, how hard can it be?”

“You’re talking about eating month-old crab surprise,” Uma retorts, crossing her arms. “Even the hyenas don’t touch that shit.”

Harry leers at her. “Are you saying you have no faith in Gil?”

Uma rolls her eyes. “Don’t try to twist my words Hook. All I’m saying is that he’s gonna die if he eats it. No offense Gil.”

“None taken,” Gil pops an egg in his mouth and chews contentedly.

“Well, I have a little more faith in our dear second mate than you do …” Harry gives her a shark-like grin. “Care for a little wager, love?”

Uma raises an eyebrow as Ashe, who’s been inhaling her food all this time and not been paying attention to any of them, finally starts to take notice of them. “Bet? What bet?”

“Harry wants to bet that Gil can eat his way through all the month-old crab surprise,” Uma says, not taking her eyes off of Harry’s smirk. “And I think that he’s going to throw it all up before he gets through half of it.”

“Oh, do not take that bet, sweetheart,” Ashe shakes her head. “That Gaston stomach is made of steel.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Gil muses, and Ashe winks at him.

“But month-old crab surprise?” Sierra twists her head over to them from where she’s sitting with Bonnie and Desiree. “That stuff is hard to get down even when it’s fresh.”

“Don’t tell Cook that,” Bonnie laughs. “Or you’ll be stomaching cold catfish-eye soup for three months.”

Everyone at the table takes a moment to shudder at the thought of the slimy liquid and slippery eyeballs.

“Don’t do it,” Desiree warns Uma, who’s still in an intense stare-off with Harry.

“Do it.” Jonas slides in next to his sister. “What are we talking about?”

“Harry and Uma are about to make a bet over whether or not Gil can eat all the month-old crab surprise in the Shoppe.”

Jonas considers this. “What are the terms? There have to be terms.”

A wicked gleam sparks in Harry’s eyes. “Tattoos.”

The entire table lets out a collective “Ohhh …” and Uma leans forward. “Go on.”

“Loser has to get a tattoo. Winner picks what it is and where it goes.”

Bonnie lets out a low whistle and Desiree shakes her head vigorously. “This is so not worth it—”

But Uma is already reaching across the table to shake Harry’s hand. “You’re on.” Her smile turns predatory. “You’re going to look so cute with PROPERTY OF UMA tattooed on your forehead.”

Harry cringes and Uma laughs evilly as Ashe snickers and Sierra rolls her eyes. “Yeah, this is totally not going to backfire.”

*****

“Prepared to lose tragically?” Uma challenges.

“Are you ready to be proven dead wrong?” Harry shoots back.

“I feel like their trash talk would be way more effective if Uma wasn’t practically sitting in Harry’s lap,” Marya mutters to Gonzo, who snickers.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Desiree asks worriedly as Gil stuffs a napkin down the front of his shirt like a bib.

“I’ll be fine,” Gil replies dismissively and then calls, “Bring out the crab!”

*****

“You know, there’s no shame in dropping out,” Harry whispers into Uma’s ear. She’s given up all pretense and is just sitting in his lap at this point. Gil is on his fifth helping of crab surprise, and has given up using utensils, so his hands are slippery with grease.

Uma snorts and the sound reverberates in Harry’s chest. “In your dreams. I have plenty of time.”

Gil pauses from eating and bellows, “MUSTARD!”

“How the fuck did I get stuck doing this?” Ashe grouses as she hurries forward and squeezes out half the bottle of mustard over the plate before slamming the bottle down on the table.

“As I recall,” Sierra says lazily from where she’s lounging back on her chair, “you said that you wanted a front-row seat to all the action.”

“I didn’t mean I wanted to do manual labor,” Ashe snarls as Gil starts devouring his sixth plate.

“Oh well,” Sierra smirks at her and Ashe flings a knife at her, which Sierra lazily dodges.

“If you spill blood on my floors, you’re cleaning it up!” Uma calls.

“Goddamn it!”

*****

“Are we sure they’re not fucking?” Bonnie asks in an undertone to Desiree.

Desiree looks over at where Harry is sprawled out on Uma’s throne; his arms securely around her waist as he chats with Claudine Frollo.

“I don’t even know with them anymore.”

“If he’s having sex with Uma, then that pirate bitch is going to die.” Jonas says matter-of-factly, tipping his tequila back.

Bonnie rolls her eyes and Desiree gives her brother a disgusted look. “You were doing far worse at their age.”

“Exactly! Men are pigs.” Jonas smirks at her. “That’s why I’m so happy that you’re a lesbian.”

“You do remember that biologically, I do have a dick, right?”

“Semantics, sister dear …”

Meanwhile, Claudine, Harry, and Uma were watching Gil eat his eleventh plate of crab surprise.

“This is so gross,” Claudine says with wide eyes as Gil lets out a guttural belch and then continues eating.

“You have no idea,” Uma murmurs, watching queasily as Gil uses his now filthy bib to wipe his chin.

Harry gives her a cocky grin. “Ready to admit defeat, darling?”

“Hardly,” Uma scoffs. “I’ll admit, he has lasted longer than I thought he would, but that doesn’t mean he won’t get tired.”

“Aren’t you guys worried that he might get food poisoning?” Claudine asks, eyeing Gil worriedly.

“Don’t worry, Claud,” Gil calls over cheerfully. “Gaston’s don’t get sick.”

Claudine looks panicked. “That doesn’t mean anything—”

“Oh, I know,” Uma replies breezily. “That’s why we have Bonnie on standby.”

Bonnie raises her hand. “I have coconut water, juice, and a bucket.”

“I won’t need any of that,” Gil says dismissively. “Bring out the next plate!”

*****

“Hey bud, how’re you doing?”

Gil looks up from his plate at Uma. Uma has a bright smile on her face, but he knows better than to trust it. Uma hates smiling.

“Why?” He asks, crossing his arms and trying to stare her down.

Uma just continues to smile down at him, but her eyes glimmer dangerously and Gil has to look away. (Damn it, he doesn’t even know why he tries anymore.)

“Just curious,” she leans down and lowers her voice. “I was also wondering—”

“Aha!” Uma jumps back and Gil shovels food into his mouth to avoid the conversation as Harry walks towards the table, pointing dramatically at Uma. “Caught in the act, you cheater!”

“Fuck you!” Uma snaps. “Did I say anything to you, Gil?”

Gil frantically shakes his head and tries to sink down in his chair.

“Oh please, Gil knows better than to cross you,” Harry sneers. “Admit it, you were about to order him to stop eating!”

Uma scowls. “How dare you accuse me of the truth?”

“Ha, you admit it!”

“Of course I admit it, I’m a villain, what do you expect?”

“Okay, no using authority to pressure Gil,” Jonas places a hand on Uma’s shoulder and steers her away. “You have to stay ten feet away from Gil while he eats.”

Uma glares at Harry and shrugs Jonas’s hand off of her shoulder before storming away.

Harry waves mockingly at her before leaning down and whispering to Gil, “I’ll give you all the answers to Yen Sid’s tests for a year if you finish this off-”

“Who’s cheating now?” Uma yells from her throne.

“Alright, the rules apply to you too,” Jonas says sternly, dragging Harry by his collar.

Gil heaves a sigh of relief, but then groans when Harry yells, “Think about it!”

*****

“You rigged this!”

“Come now, darling,” Harry cannot contain the massive grin on his face, and Uma sourly wonders how it’s possible for Harry to show all of his teeth at once. “How could I have possibly rigged this?”

She flounders for an answer, but then settles for glaring fiercely at him. “I don’t know, but when I find out, your hook is going to be shoved so far up your-”

“I just can’t believe he even ate all the crunchy rot,” Sierra says, eyeing Gil with a mixture of respect and disgust.

Harry claps Gil on the back, making the other boy growl and swat at him listlessly from his prone position on the table. “What can I say? The man’s a legend.”

“ ’M sorry, Uma,” Gil mumbles miserably.

Uma sighs and ruffles his hair. “It’s not your fault,” she levels a glare at Harry. “It’s his.”

Harry blows a kiss at her while Bonnie slides a glass of coconut water over to Gil. “Here. It’ll help with the stomach pain.”

“Cheers, B,” Gil salutes her with the glass, his head still on the table top.

“Now for the good stuff,” Harry levels a wicked glare at Uma. “Tattoos, here we come!”

“Bonnie, kill him.”

*****

“You suck so much.”

“You enchant me too, baby,” Harry grins salaciously at her and Uma scowls and crosses her arms petulantly.

Despite her best efforts, her plans to assassinate Harry had gone awry. Bonnie had just laughed at her, Ashe had told her solemnly that a bet was a bet, and even though Jonas had been extremely willing, Desiree had forbidden him from killing Harry.

So now she was probably going to be stuck with PROPERTY OF HARRY HOOK as a tramp stamp forever.

Fucking excellent.

The two of them are currently in Harriet’s tattoo parlor right now, in a secluded corner, far away from everyone else (thank the gods). After handing all the materials to Harry, Harriet had patted Uma consolingly on the shoulder before disappearing to scream at a customer who was complaining about the line detail on his tattoo. Right now, Harry is setting up the ink and the tattoo gun, humming “A Pirate’s Life for Me” all the while.

If Uma wasn’t been so pissed off at herself for taking the stupid bet, she would have teased him for being a cliché.

“So,” Harry turns towards her, tattoo gun in hand and a wicked grin on his face. “Ready for your tattoo, my darling?”

Uma groans and pulls her feet out of her combat boots before starting to shimmy her fishnets and shorts down. “Alright, let’s get this over with.”

“Wait,” Harry holds up a hand, his eyes wide. “I never thought I’d say this when you took off your clothes in front of me—” (Uma rolls her eyes) “But what the bloody hell are you doing?”

“I’m getting ready for the tattoo,”

“Where do you think you’re getting it? On your arse?” Harry gives her an amused look but leads her to the chair. “Just relax. It’s on your collarbone, so it might hurt a bit.”

Uma just grumbles in response, but then immediately flinches off of the chair when the freezing alcohol gets dabbed on her skin.

Harry raises an eyebrow at her. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” she leans back in the chair, determinedly staring at a corner of the ceiling. “Let’s do this.”

*****

“You’re humming.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re humming.”

“What? No, I’m not.”

“Yes you are. You’re humming that song about being buried in the ground or some morbid shit like that.”

“ . . . No?”

“Yes, you are. No, don’t stop, it’s cute.”

*****

“Done.” Harry leans back, a satisfied grin on his face. “Have a look.”

Uma slowly rises up from her chair and peeks at the mirror, expecting the worst.

Instead, all she can do is stare.

The tattoo is placed just under her left collarbone, the skin around it tinged with red. But the red isn’t enough to distract from the three words written in flowing black script; still I rise.

She stares and she stares, and her eyes flick to Harry at several points, who is starting to look nervous.

“Obviously if you don’t like it, you don’t have to keep it,” he awkwardly says as Uma continues to stare at her tattoo. “You could always cover it up with makeup – or use Harriet’s tattoo remover, but I do have to warn you that it’s still liable to take a chunk out of your skin—”

Uma cuts him off with a simple, “Shut up, Harry,” and brings his mouth down to hers.

Harry is stunned for a second, but then tangles his hand in her hair and pulls her closer to him.

His lips are warm and chapped and all Uma can focus on is kissing him breathless because gods, her boy is fucking amazing—

The door to the parlor slams and Uma and Harry practically jump apart. Harry’s eyes are dilated and he’s breathing hard, but Uma is also trying to catch her breath.

She just kissed Harry.

She just kissed her best friend.

FuckfuckfuckohshitohshitFUCK.

“I gotta go,” she blurts out, but Harry’s staring at her with his stupid blue eyes and his stupid feelings are going to get hurt if she does this wrong so she just keeps talking. “Not because of you. Because Desiree asked me. She told me to come over to the house as soon as we finished with the tattoo because of . . . babysitting. Yeah, she wants me to babysit tonight, so I really have to go, right now, because otherwise she might just abandon them to go have sex with Marya, am I right?”

Now Harry is looking at her like she’s just announced that she wants to become a pretty, pretty princess and Uma has to get out of here as fast as possible.

“Anyways, gotta go,” she rises up from the chair, kisses his cheek (what the HELL is she doing?) and practically races out of the tattoo parlor, leaving Harry staring after her bewilderedly, his lips still tingling.

Well, bloody hell.

[imaginespplwrite]

BTS FicRecs

ALL Members

Working Man (M) ✎ @dark-muse-iris ✎ A collection of stories where the leading man has a working class occupation

BANGmeTAN (M) An in depth look behind the scenes of adult film, starring the seven, sexy men who have captured the industry (BTS Porn Star!AU). (on-going)

You Never Shop Alone (M)   A look into the love lives of seven of the mall’s best and biggest fuck boys. With all of them housed in the same vicinity, nonsense is a guarantee, but romance? … just you wait and see 

Deadly Intentions (M)  What do you think happens when a supernatural being’s intentions are anything but pure? Do you scream out for help, or give in to your deepest desires?

Snowball effect (M)  We find our boys in very different places. Some are falling in love, someone’s just falling on their ass. Some are getting through it just fine, while another finds himself in a tight spot. All are determined to maintain their yearly tradition of meeting up at Tae’s cabin in the woods for New Year’s Eve. It’s promised to be a weekend full of debauchery, relaxation, and Jin’s delicious baked goods… so long as everyone can make it with their hearts (and pride) still intact. Seven little secrets, tangled in each other’s stories like twinkling lights on a wire, rolled up like a snowball, and wrapped up with bow; The Snowball Effect.

Kiss Land   ✎ @njssi​ ✎ Not into kisses leading into nothing 

Namjoon (RM)

Until you make it (M) ✎ @versigny ✎ It’s Christmas dinner and you didn’t want to disappoint your parents by not bringing someone...

The take home test (M) ♔ ✎ @versigny ✎ College!AU, in which your mission to deliver homework to Kim Namjoon goes very, very, wrong. 

Does this look like a joke sweetheart Part2 Part3 Part4 Part5 Part6(final) ✎ @that-loser-certain-to-be-crooked ✎ Studying late turns out to be a lot more eventful than you had originally assumed. How about taking the subway next time?

PhD (pretty huge d...) (M) ♔ ✎ @oilblotter ✎ “What is with you?! Stop leaning in so close to me!”  + best friend!namjoon 

Obligated (M)  ✎ @underthejoon ✎ Married by obligation, weighed down by circumstance. Except for those nights when you’re both drunk, falling into bed with one another and realising you’re human. Occasionally this happens, occasionally you fuck. Until your life changes and you realise Namjoon, the very man you’re obligated to, might just be the very man that you crave.

If you would stay (M)  ✎ @remembeo ✎ “Come back home.” Always. mafia!au

The Rich Man’s Crochet Club (M) ♔ ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ When they were freshmen in college, Namjoon began a club with his six closest friends. The one thing they all had in common? V i r g i n s as fuck. Obviously, they couldn’t call the club the Virgins Club though and so, the Rich Man’s Crochet Club was born. Until time passes and Namjoon is the only one left. Now, the Club has one, final mission: to get Namjoon laid.

Underground king (M) ♔ ✎ @sugaxjpg ✎ Eventually you came to the realisation that, if Namjoon was the king of the underground, you were as close as he would ever get to a queen.

Something in the way (M) Pt2  ✎ @tayegi ✎ When your student debts stack up too high, you decide to apply for a position to take care of Kim Namjoon’s heat for three days…

Omertà (M) ♔ ✎ @lamourche ✎  A story about an unlikely mob boss and his mafia princess wife. This is a love story set in a brutal world.

Catnapped (M) ✎ @dreamyjoons​ ✎ sometimes pets know better. But you and Namjoon have never been good at accepting the truth, no matter where it comes from.

More than words (M)  ✎ @ironicarmy​ ✎ You and Namjoon have been painfully -and blindingly- pining for each other since your teenage years, much to your friends’ chagrin. So, unbeknownst to both of you, Seokjin and the rest plan to finally make you confess during a ski trip.

Seokjin (Jin)

Golden boy (M)  ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ The golden boy of the porn industry, prettier than half his female co-stars. Will sue if you pull his hair. Always bothering his neighbors with pizza delivery.

All Along (M)  ✎ @underthejoon ✎ It’s no surprise when you learn you’ll soon be engaged to one of the Kim brothers. What does come as a shock, is just how determined Seokjin is to make sure that person is him.

My Type (M)  ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ you take the college nerd’s virginity

Revenge is a Dish Best Served... Hot? (M) ✎ @tayegi ✎ When your roommate keeps you up late at night with her noisy rendezvous with male overnight guests, you and Seokjin team up to plot your revenge…  How? With a taste of her own medicine, of course.

Heat (M) ✎ @thewanderingalias ✎ He was there when you needed him most, and now, he needs you.

Like this? (M) ✎ @jeonshome ✎ your neighbour, Seokjin, teaches you exactly how he likes to be touched.

Pink (M) ✎ @tayegi​ ✎ Seokjin has been holding himself back

Roomie (M) ✎ @hobibliophile​ ✎ When you first moved in with Jin, you thought you had hit the roommate jackpot. Turns out, living in the same apartment with this gorgeous man is a lot harder than you thought it’d be. He didn’t do anything wrong, and neither did you. It’s just this pesky thing called sexual tension.

Yoongi (Suga)

Mixtape (M) ✎ @jungblue ✎ Two mystery students from your college run the podcast dubbed ‘mixtape.’ It’s become a sort of phenomenon around campus, listened to by almost everyone. In their most recent episode they discussed various study methods… One of them being oh so tempting.

Buzz(M) 2(M) 3(M) ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ in which you’re unsure if you’ve ever received an orgasm and when you finally pluck up the courage to use the vibrator you bought that one day on a whim, Yoongi barges through the door…

Breakfast in Bed (M) ✎ @joonbird ✎ Min Yoongi, a grumpy Ikea employee, is wondering who you are and why exactly you’re sleeping in the display bed at his Ikea.

Love is for the birds baby! (M)  ✎ @mininky ✎ You refuse to believe in love. It’s a concept created by big corporations like hallmark to get sad saps like you to buy their shit. But it’s all fake. You’re convinced of that at least until a series of events with a certain tattoo artist who you loved to hate makes you question everything you’ve ever known

Conversations (M)  ✎ @im-too-old-for-bts ✎ It’s Yoongi’s birthday and you hadn’t thought you’d get an invitation to his party, let alone find yourself spending most of the night terrified and clinging hopelessly to him. Not that you’re complaining or anything…. But oddly enough, Yoongi doesn’t seem to be complaining either…

Late Bloomer (M) ✎ @tayegi​ ✎ You were always just a few years behind everyone else, but it was never a big deal. werewolf!au

Play thing (M)  ✎ @minnpd​ ✎ The guy working at the sex shop wasn’t being very subtle 

Exitus Acta Probat (M)  ✎ @bang-tan-bitches​ ✎ “All you need to know is that my name is Yoongi and you’re mine now.”

The Devil Skates on Thin Ice ✎ @vankoya​ ✎ The number one rule of Korea National Sport University is to never allow their elite figure skater and the captain of the ice hockey team be in the same room. Or in their case, on the same ice rink. They are infamously known for riling each other up in any way possible, and for having a mysterious history that even their closest friends know nothing about.

Taehyang (V)

Insomnia (M) ✎ @oppamansae ✎ “you have to be quiet, the others are around”

Dichotomy (M) ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ You hate him. He hates you. It’s a fine line though, isn’t it  – between love and hate? (Arranged Marriage!AU)

Nerves (M)  ✎ @tayegi ✎ In a lab experiment gone horribly wrong your nervous system is merged with Kim Taehyang

Bibliothèque (M) ✎ @joonbird ✎ You are the very top of your college cohort, an A grade student on the fast track to a life of success. You know the answers to everything, or at leased you think you do. That is until you meet quirky genius Kim Taehyung.

Guilty Pleasure (M)  ✎ @jungkxook ✎ Notorious pranker Kim Taehyung is adored by all, but all he really wants is your attention.

Buzzed (M) PT2 ✎ @junqkook ✎ maybe ordering a vibrator and letting your best friend open your mail wasn’t such a great idea.

Come play (M) ✎ @littlemeowmeowschimmy ✎ Taehyung wondered if you wanted to play with him…

The Holi-Date (M) ✎ @kpopfanfictrash​ ✎ When your ex-boyfriend becomes engaged to his new girlfriend at your annual Holiday party, you admittedly are not in the best place. Which explains why you down six shots of alcohol, enthusiastically drop it low on the dance floor and – oh, yeah – tell everyone you are also dating someone. The only problem? You are obviously not. Good thing your neighbor happens to be cute and in need of a ride to work every morning.

Dick on the go (M) ✎ @jeonggukingdom-archive​ ✎ It was all shits and giggles when you and Taehyung were desperate seniors in High School, having no idea what to do with your lives, wondering if you’d ever find a decent job or even graduate in the first place. It is not so funny anymore when you come home from the big city to enjoy your vacation time and you find his sex-shop right in front of the house you grew up in when you were a kid.

Marshmallows and Report Cards (M) ❀ ✎ @taetaewonderland​ ✎ You can’t stop thinking about one of your students father.

Jung kook

Laundry day (M) ♔ ✎ @jinjikook ✎ jeongguk always pioneered one household chore: laundry. now why he had such an affinity for it, you had no idea. that is, until you come home and he lost track of time, causing you to stumble upon him in the midst of something strange and yet altogether intriguing.

Stuffed Pumpkin (M)  ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ Hooking up with the guy you’re neutral towards isn’t how you expected your night to go, especially dressed as a pumpkin…

Ruin the friendship (M) Part2 (M ✎ @kpopfanfictrash ✎ your drunk ass best friend keeps calling you to take care of him and it wouldn’t be so awful, if it weren’t for The Feelings. (best friends to lovers!AU)

...And action (M)   ✎ @prolixitae ✎ jungkook likes to film illegal stunts around the globe for his dedicated audience. because of you, his right-hand navigator, he gets to travel to beautiful places he’s only ever seen in textbooks. but in the wake of a mishap involving poisonous shrubbery, now’s a perfect time for him to confess his undying love for more than just videography. or, “I know you’re my best friend but I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day we met” au

Starboy (M)   ✎ @sugaxjpg ✎ Jeon Jungkook was, above anything else, the type you should not get involved with. He was the guy who slept around; the guy who was gone before you woke up; who left a path of broken hearts and missed calls wherever he went. He was right in just about every wrong way. That being said, maybe the bet you made with your friend could be the best thing that happened to you in a long time, and even enough to break the chain of misfortune that circled your party nights — after all, it was all just a simple, four-part plan to make Jungkook beg for you. What could possibly go wrong?

The millionaire and his lover (M)  ✎ @gukyi ✎ over the course of your lifelong friendship with jungkook, you can’t say that you’ve ever had the greatest ideas, and a fake relationship with the boy you’ve been in love with for years is no exception. 

The push (M)  ✎ @underthejoon ✎ Jungkook needed the push to tell you his feelings 

Steamy (M)  PT2 PT3 PT4  ✎ @jungkookiebus ✎ You’re roommates with your older brother, Jimin, who is having some of his friends over and he’s strictly forbade you from hanging out with them; he has a feeling you like one of his friends and he’s avoiding having your presence in the home. Unfortunately for him and good for you, that person in question accidentally walks in on you in your bath. 

Fast and definitely furious (M) ✎ @parkmuse ✎ Car sex looks so much easier in the movies

Caught me (M)  ✎ @jeonshome ✎ You hate your temporary roommate, Jungkook and it doesn’t help that he’s been catching you at the most inconvenient of times.

Mark me (M) ✎ @littlemeowmeowschimmy ✎ Jungkooks’ excuses were getting too much. You needed answers, and you needed them now 

Howling for You (M) ✎ @fortunexkookie ✎ The way your Little Red Riding Hood costume lured over a fuckboy in a half-assed werewolf costume was a little cliche, but god damn was he beautiful. He promised he had plenty of big things to show you, and you took him up on the offer, not realizing that you might’ve bitten off more than you could chew 

Monogamy Monologues (M) ✎ @kpopfanfictrash​ ✎ The year? Some point after college. The occasion? Namjoon is getting married and the Rich Man’s Crochet Club has convened once again. Somewhere between the drinks and the laughter, everyone has the same realization: Jungkook has never been in a serious relationship. In the name of all that is holy (Overwatch and booze), the club’s mission is revived. Now though, their goal is much more perilous. Now, they aim to find Jeon Jungkook a girlfriend. 

Banana milk (M) ✎ @kimnjss​ ✎ sent to the grocery store in the middle of the day, you’d never believe who you ran into in the milk aisle. 

Truth or dare (M) ❀ ✎ @deliriousscenarios​ ✎ Junkook find out you’re a virgin and wont drop it.

Mission Impossible (M) ❀ ✎ @hobiwonder​ ✎ When you find out that your groupmate is whoring it up on tinder instead of handing in his part of the project, you go on a mission to teach him a lesson. And maybe get him to finish his part.

Hoseok (J-Hope)

Climbing (M) ✎ @im-too-old-for-bts ✎ An embarrassing moment from your past comes back to haunt you in the form of one of your cousin’s neighbours, Jung Hoseok.

Playing house Part2 Part3 Part4(M) Part5 Part6 Part7 Part8(M) ✎ @mak-baes ✎ it’s not like you’re hard pressed for cash, but there is that spring break trip you need to save up for, so why not grab your best friend and pretend to be a couple for some research study? what could possibly go wrong? (Finished)

Burn In Hell (She Said) (M)  ✎ @floralseokjin ✎ Hoseok’s taste is singular. That is his sexual taste. Singular only for humans. Being the lord of the underworld (his title… Seokjin wouldn’t be so happy), means his needs get taken care of instantly. Humans litter the place, soulless and trapped there for eternity. But then you rock up, in all your demoness glory (no title needed), and suddenly he wants a taste of his own medicine. Devil meets devil. Only you don’t fall to your knees so willingly…

Hot rod (M)  ✎ @kinktae ✎ a 1950′s inspired fic where greaser hoseok can’t keep his eyes, or hands, off the new waitress at his and his boys’ favorite diner. 

Just Practice (M)  ✎ @lamourche​ ✎ The second time you hook up with Jung Hoseok, he doesn't remember the first time. You're surprised. It was only a few weeks ago, and you were in a broom closet. That has to be different, right? (Well, not really, you'll learn.)

Photographs (you’re taking now)(M) ❀ ✎ @bangtan-sonyeondanope​ ✎ Snapshots taken from her life, her child’s, his life and his child’s. From happiness to grief, the path that took two broken pieces to form one bigger, kind-of-whole picture.

Jimin

Snap Decision (M)  ✎ @noona-la-la-la ✎ A chance meeting with a stranger at a bar helps you recover from a bad break up.

Locked in love (M)  ✎ @parkmuse ✎ Getting locked in the mall on Christmas eve isn’t ideal, but getting locked in the mall with your brothers best friend that you haven’t seen in a while? Well, it might have been alright if you didn’t have feelings for him.

Syndicate (M)  ✎ @jungkookiebus ✎ Your husband is the biggest arms dealer in Korea. It’s the night of the President’s Ball and a pre-planned hit on top government officials while Jimin is separated from you. Using what Jimin taught you, you successfully escape the resort and make it home to an empty house. It’s not too long after that a panicked Jimin finds you at home and shows you just how thankful he is that you’re safe. 

The Fuckening (M) ✎ @underthejoon ✎ Jimin falls for the cute girl in his class. One who’s just as big of a tease as he is.

Star Light, Star Bright (M) ✎ @readyplayerhobi​ ✎ Life has not gone exactly how Park Jimin imagined, and yet he can’t possibly imagine his life any different to what it is now. After six hard and stressful years, he’s now the happy owner of a degree along with being the proud dad of his little girl. But what happens when he meets you and his life is tipped upside down once more?

Physical (M)  ✎ @ppersonna​ ✎ you cant seem to escape the sexy fitness instructor that seemingly is everywhere you turn. it’s enough to make you irrational.

Masterlist