#fucking selfish asshole. he didnt care about how he made me feel because he didnt MEAN TO

[bernadettelovestokiohotel]

Hurt him and you're dead.

It didn't take long for Robin to realize that Vance and Finney had feelings for each other.Though it's in his protective nature,this time it was different.He saw Finney as a little brother he never had,and just the thought of Vance hurting him made Robin go into rage.

One day,while walking to school this morning,he spotted Finney and Vance,laughing together.This threw him into RAGE.What if that blonde motherfucker hurts him?! He'll sure as hell,not let that slide.

Later that afternoon,Finney sees Robin standing alone.

"Robin!Hi!"

Finney yelled as he rushed in to give Robin a hug.Robin obviously hugs him back but barely trying to contain his emotions of anger.

"you won't believe it!"

Finn said,all jumping.

"me and Vance Hopper are now friends!"

He said,smiling the widest he ever did.

Of course,in order to not upset Finney,Robin had to pretend that everything's fine and that he's happy and cool with it.He knows damn well they like each other but,didnt say anything about it

"that's..great!"

He said,trying to hide his anger.

Vance approached them.

"hey Finn"

Vance said as he patted Finn's head.

"oh,hey Vance!"

Finney said,happily.

"I didn't see you all afternoon!"

Finn whined as he clinged onto Vance.

"Wanna hang out after school?"

Vance asked,smiling.

"I'd love to!Can Gwen come?"

Finney asks,he really tries to include his sister as much as he can since she doesn't have many friends of her own.

"of course she can!"

Vance replied,smiling.

Robin inhales angrily.

Finn looks at his watch.

"oh,I gotta go!I have to go.See you guys!"

Finn hugs Vance and runs fastly.

Vance smiled.

"isn't he just the sweetest?"

Vance said,as he stared at Finney.

"too sweet for you,asshole."

Robin grabs Vance's choker.

"listen here you intolerant piece of garbage.If I ever see you hurt,or even dare to say something shitty about him,I'm going to bury six feet under-"

Robin wasn't even done with his "threatening" but Vance threw him to the ground in order to protect himself.

"same goes to you,you little cunt"

Vance said,trying to contain his anger.

Robin gets up from the ground.

"You don't understand.I love Finney like he's my brother.You're just a stranger."

Robin said,being angry but at the same time being very worried for Finney.

" you don't understand how I feel about him either.Finney is the only reason why I'm even alive,for the first time I've been completely over the heels in love!"

Vance said,trying to explain his feelings too.

"How should I know how you feel about him?I mean you're Vance fucking Hopper afterall!How should I know if you're not gonna hurt him?!"

"Because I care about him more than anyone!Morning,Noon,Night..whatever time of the day it is,I will be there for him and love him no matter what."

Vance said.If we're being honest,Robin likes the way Vance speaks, considering he's very well spoken.

"..Please Vance.Im begging you,don't fuck this up.He's already feeling all shitty with his bullies and at home.Be that person who's his escape,his way to calm down and be happy."

Vance smiled at this.

"I promise I'll protect him with my life."

Vance said,confidently.

"I guess..you're not that much of an ass afterall."

Robin laughed.

"I judged you too hard."

Vance said.

"seems like i judged you more.I mean you've never threatened me or-"

"no,but I did have my opinions on you,how selfish you are,how you don't care how people feel.I now understand how you feel when you love someone."

Vance explained.

"Dude I wanted to stab you from how much I hated you,heh"

Robin said,laughing.

That made the two boys chuckle a bit.

"I know we have tough feelings about each other but,let's work them out,for Finney."

Vance said,smiling and stretching out his hand.

"For Finn."

Robin smiles as they shake hands.

"well Hopper,you're not that bad afterall"

Robin stated as he put his arm around Vance's shoulder.

"You're not that bad too,Arellano."

Vance replied,as they both walked together,already feeling like best friends.

I know this is a very bad fanfic, @everlyofficial ,I just wanted to say thank you for being a good friend.I have zero problem with writing this again if you need me to.

[ash-etherwood]

I HAVE MADE ART AGAIN (Not x der zeit related so bear with me)

these guys are ooold vampire ocs from around 2010 or 2011 and last year i reread the few chapters of the story i made up for them and decided to completely redo everything and make new desings and all. i obsessively crafted a story for them for a few weeks, then forgot about them again for a year, and finally scanned them a few months ago, spinning the story some more and yeah. here we are. they are nothing more than a thought playground for me, i dont think ill ever write something with them but i like to play with them in my brain like little dolls. :3

as stated its a vampire story and the new titel is selfish monsters (which i made up on the spot admittedly lol but i kinda dig it) its generally about a little found family of vampires and humans who hunt and kill vampires they deem 'dangerous' (as in they kill recklessly or especially unethically yeah i know its a whole moral disaster). one day elaine, the leader of the group, encounters a comatose vampire boy and takes him in, waiting for him to wake up, and when he does almost 10 years later, he has no idea who he is or how he got into a coma and everyone tries to help him find out what the fuck is happening. yeah and from this point on, shenanigangs ensue. (^:

refs!!!!!

anne is one of the mentioned human vampire hunters of the group. she is an orphan and was taken in as a teenager by elaine when she lost her mom to a vampire who targeted sex workers. she swore revenge on said vampire and well …. got it in the end i guess. u_u anne is impulsive and witty but hides a lot of insecurities from being bullied as a teenager for … pretty much everything. being poor, being fat, having a single mom who did sex work, it was a whole thing. she is VERY opposed to the idea of being turned and made it very clear that when she dies she wants to STAY dead and guess how that works out,,

chris(topher) is the coma boy who doesnt remember who he is, where hes from, and who turned him and why, he doesnt even know how old he is, but after a while he finds out he was killed and turned by a cult leader in the late 70s whose goal was to resurrect jesus, but he disturbed the ritual and got into a fight with said cult leader which almost killed him again (undead version) but he fell into a coma instead. chris is filled to the brim with catholic guilt and bisexuality and cant stop helping people in danger. </3 (and biting lucas) he is also immune to crucifixes because his cult tortured each other so much with them that they became numb to the pain they inflict on them which yaaay!

lorelay is elaines best friend/right hand/girlfriend/soulmate/secret fith thing and she is a bitch ass tsundere goth girl who secretly cares about her shitty human brat sibling a lot and prides herself in being unnecessarily cruel. she is responsible for 'aquiring food' because elaine and chris both dont like to think about the fact that they have to kill to survive. she is the oldest vampire in the group, being turned in the early 1600s by an evil abbess who liked to collect pretty girls like dolls. if she is concerned for you she will throw you against a wall and yell at you. lovingly.

lucas is another human vampire hunter who got kicked out by his shitty dad for being trans and got picked up by elaine in the streets. hes a pretentious asshole who struggles with being nice, is annes best friend (later boyfriend), and acts insanely rude towards chris when he first wakes up, later discovering he just had a giant crush on him and didnt know how to act upon it,, he is incredibly horny for vampires and wants to be turned sooo bad or just bitten a lot please oh god somebody bite him and rip his clothes off and hhjassdjdgq,, he is a problem boy.

elaine is the group leader and and cant walk past an abandoned teenager without adopting them, sadly. she feels immense guilt about being a vampire and constantly tries to straighten it out by doing good things and helping people, hates thinking about what it means to kill to survive, and at the same time feels SO much anger towards humanity and surpresses her rage all the time which is. not good. she needs help tbh.

last but not least, magdalene the 2000-year-old-died-at-16 undead cult leader herself, who wants to resurrect jesus by stealing reliquaries from all over the world and performing a wittle necromancy on them,,, maggie says she just wants to bring back the messiah to free humankind but she actually. well. knew mr. christ personally in real life and misses him and doesnt know how to make other friends so. time to start a cult. <3 when getting new people for her cult, she targets already christian people in their late teens/early 20s and later assigns them the name of an apostle. everytime one of them dies, she find another one to fill their role. (chris was judas btw. it came as a real shock when he betrayed her. (^: ) she also kills anne which more or less forces chris to turn her to save her life because he couldnt stand the thought of losing her and well. its a whole thing.

yeah that was only a FRACTION of the extrensive vampire lore and story i have spun for them already but. if you have any questions i would love to be normal about them. :3c

[ficsforeren]

Don’t ask why I’m sending this many hours later then the first one lol. Also I put something about mikasa in the last chapter review by accident oops, but here’s the ch16 thoughts

1. I still have more to say about mikasa, when she said she wasn’t gonna delete the pictures she took I was so passionately angry. like I get it, I really do, that was a really important night for her, but to disrespect him after he says he’s in love with someone else that he’s planning on marrying them just made me so upset. IM SO GLAD HE SMASHED HER PHONE

Compared to the way you made reader and Erens relationship, they both love each other but also don’t want to get in the way of each other’s happiness. Mikasa on the other hand didn’t even care about his feelings, she wasn’t willing to give him up to let him to be happy. But she was also being selfish the way reader suggested Eren should be, selfish so she could experience happiness and love for herself.

Also the way she took advantage of him knowing he was drunk in that moment was really upsetting, I know he was willing in the moment but if he was drunk to the point where he couldn’t remember the next day, the least she could do was tell him what happened between them or check on him. No hate to her character but she’s a little psycho. I hope I’m not contradicting myself, I don’t like her but she’s really well written, you did a fantastic job with her.

2. Mina and the pictures, Jesus Christ, reader is never gonna get a break from seeing eremika acting like a couple.

3. When reader threw up the first time I was like 👀🤰? Then pieck asked her if she was and I was like😮 and when she found out she really was pregnant I was so happy, but also that ob-gyn needed to read the room😭 the fact that she was congratulating her when it wasn’t necessarily a good time for this news made me so uncomfy, WHAT IF SHE WAS R@PED??

4. Eren bringing her muffins and them reuniting and having breakfast together was a wholesome moment. Even if it was awkward it, seemed somewhat peaceful despite the tension, especially considering how their interactions were through text, you could feel the effort they were putting in to fix things. I think that’s something I love about you as an author, how you really get into every detail of their emotions, and it makes you feel like you’re in the room with them.

This is just my personal opinion but their conversation felt really authentic, I’m pretty honest and understanding during serious situations so I could see myself having their conversation. Especially when it comes to someone you love, It feels comforting and safe when you can lay out your feelings and the other person is ready to listen and understand them. It shows their dedication to each other and I love that. My eyes definitely started watering when Eren said he loved her for 12 year I’m so fvcking soft jdbfjdjfj 🥺

5. THE INTIMACY, Idk what you put in your writing but I’m literally on cloud fucking 9. I wanna hope everyone else feels that way too, maybe I’m only like this because I’m touch starved and single. When he asked to hug her, when he caressed her cheek, the kisses they shared after they made up, the kisses on her knuckles, UGH IM SUCH A WHORE FOR WHOLESOME INTIMACY 😩

6. CABIN EREN SUPREMACY.

That’s all for that

7. ERENS SPEECH OF LOVE, kana I literally have no heart left, it burst from a wholesome overdose when they first confessed their love, I’m on my death bed now and it’s your fault. #KanaKilledJoli

It was just to sweet, I surprisingly didn’t cry but I felt my heart clenching at his words. I wanna be loved like that, maybe not so publicly but to the point where someone calls me their home *cries in single*. I told one of my friends she felt like home to me once and she started crying, so I’d assume it feels really good to hear.

8. JEAN NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE>> I’m so proud of horse face for being supportive

9. NOW KANA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BUT THE FACT THAT SHE DIDNT TELL HIM SHE WAS PREGNANT HAS ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT (just like someone will be in the epilogue)

I don’t know if the car accident in the warning was about mikasas parents or that’s how someone’s gonna die, but I’m down for a car accident death.

But if he dies on his way to her I will die too. Him not knowing he could have a family with her is the saddest thing ever. I was thinking about this happening in that snippet where Levi tells her to tell eren something before it’s too late, I don’t want Eren to hear that she’s pregnant while he’s dying😭

Okay I think that’s all for the chapter.

Also I get the urge to tell you how much I admire you and your talent EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I don’t wanna be annoying. I don’t think I can tell you enough, but you are so gifted, so talented, so incredible and every other kind word in the dictionary, you deserve to be showered with a million compliments. ❤️💕

Me every time you post a new chapter:

i already told you just how much i love you and appreciate you in the previous ask, so I'm just gonna go straight to your reviews UGH I LOVE YOUUU

your reaction about mikasa is literally the reaction I wanted to pull from my readers. honestly, i can't interpret that scene better than you did. in my head i see that there are two different kinds of love: 1) where you love someone because you love them (so you put their happiness as your number one priority even if it means that you won't end up together like how eren always thought yn deserved better and vice versa) and 2) where you love someone because you want to be loved. mikasa is clearly case number two. she loves him, she really does, but she loves him because she desperately wants herself to be loved. she won't give up on him even when he tries his best to let go. this is not necessarily a bad trait but when she's really crossing the line this time. on the opposite, eren loves y/n because he thinks she deserves to be loved, and she's like that about him too. they always put each other's happiness first (which obviously in my story leads to them taking forever to finally get together lol)

yeah gotta rub more salt into the wound, am i right? 😏

and about the ob-gyn's reaction oh god why didn't i think about it like that? she could've been ra**d! omg thank you so much for your input, that was so very insensitive of me to write it that way. i am so sorry if this made you or anyone who read this feel uncomfortable. i will be more careful next time.

babyyy thank you so much for saying that 😭😭😭 it was a real struggle for me to write that scene because i had to put myself in their shoes and try to think about their feelings and it was so hard because i've never experienced that kind of love or fight and i was so worried that it would make y/n sound annoying or make eren sound like he was too much of a coward. but yes, i want to make my readers see just how much their relationship has developed throughout the story that they're now able to lay out their feelings like that. it's been a wild ride phew

DUDE ME TOO!!! i always like to add the little details like how eren would kiss the lines of her palm, or her knuckles, or her forehead or her nose because personally, those kinds of kisses are the ones that make my heart flutter lol i'm a softie too

SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!! WE BELIEVE IN CABIN EREN SUPREMACY!!!!

i'm glad you liked the proposal scene! i already wrote that scene before i finished writing chapter 12 lol. there's just something about him that makes him so attractive in that scene because eren was always so guarded in the past, like he wouldn't talk about his feelings even to his bandmates, let alone to strangers. but there he is, in chapter 16, standing on the stage, singing a love song and pouring every bit of his soul out in the open for literally the whole world to see my man is simping so hard please help him

jean actually cares about eren very much. you'll see more of their interaction in the epilogue 😉

and you can see eren's reaction about her pregnancy in the next chapter too lol

the "car accident" warning was about mikasa's parents, actually, but... well, you'll see 😏

I'M RUNNING OUT OF WORDS TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU SO HERE HAVE THESE INSTEAD

[juviaafullbuster]

Angst 5 - gruvia

Give me the angst

Okay, it turned out longer than I thought it would but: HERE IT IS! You really challenged me with this one, I have to admit.. 😅

Angst - Prompt Nr. 5:

"Forget it, you're a fucking asshole."

Juvia stood in front of the building, clutching her bag to her chest. It has been so long since she had last been there.

She wondered whether everything was still the same. Probably not. Taking a deep breath, she made her way inside, ready to face the people she called family.

The first thing she noticed was that the guild was still as loud and lively as it used to be. She found some unfamiliar faces in the crowd, most likely new members who had joined the guild over the time she was gone. It took her a while to find someone she knew. It was Mira who she recognized first. She was standing behind the bar, busy serving customers.

Juvia made her way over, trying to find more familiar faces in the crowd.

"Juvia?" It was Lisanna who approached her first. Juvia turned to her with a small smile. "Oh my God, it really is you! You're finally back!"

Juvia found herself enveloped in a tight hug. Soon after there were more people around her, all familiar and Juvia couldn't help but feel warm and welcome. Some things might not have changed after all. She greeted everyone warmly and tried to answer as many questions as she could but she was being overwhelmed. It wasn't until Master Makarov appeared that they all became quiet.

"Juvia, welcome back dear."

"Thank you, Master."

"From what I heard so far the mission was a success?"

"Yes, Juvia completed it a few days ago and has been on her way back here since."

"Well, congratulations. I'm very proud of you, my child."

Juvia smiled and thanked him. When she had first chosen to go on this mission, Master had refused her request. He had said that she was letting her emotions cloud her judgements and that she would regret taking on this mission. But Juvia was stubborn and kept insisting until he agreed with a heavy heart. Juvia knew that it wasn't a simple decision, she would be away for two years after all. But she had made her choice and she wouldn't go back on it. She needed to leave for a while, needed to get away and this mission made for a water mage was the perfect opportunity. So she had taken it and left with a heavy heart. But she was back now.

"Juvia.. you're back." She turned around and found Natsu, Lucy and Erza looking at her. Juvia gulped. If those three were here, that could only mean he was somewhere close to.

"Welcome back, Juvia. It has been so long." It was Erza who got out of her shocked state first and patted Juvia on the shoulder. "That was quite the mission you took on. We only got updates from master occasionally, but they weren't enough to keep our worries in bay."

"There was no need to be worried about Juvia. The mission was successful, there was nothing Juvia couldn't handle."

"I was sure about that. You're a strong mage after all."

"That didn't stop him from worrying."

There was an awkward silence followed after Natsus comment. Erza glared at him for being so blunt while Juvia visibly paled. He.. he had been worried about her? But why? For all she knew he didn't care about her after all. Suddenly Juvia just wanted to get out, get back to her place and hide under her covers. She was tired and there was so much she still had to do. Natsu however didn't seem to register that. Unbothered by Erzas glare, he continued talking.

"That was a really stupid move. You don't just abandon your family like that."

"Natsu.."

"Do you even realize what your leaving did to him? I never saw Gray like this, not once. You broke him!" He was talking calmly and yet Juvia could hear the anger hidden behind the facade. He kept going on about how she was wrong, selfish and unconsidering, ignoring the warnings from Lucy and Erza.

"You're really good at running from your problems, aren't you?"

Juvia snapped. She didn't mean to lash out at Natsu, he was just being a protective friend after all. But there was no way she would stand her and let him throw accusations at her. Because he was there back then. He had seen and heard what happened. Juvia didn't forget and she sure as hell, wouldn't let him forget either. Yes, she ran away from the problems, but what else was she supposed to do? She was tired of fighting and he was tired of her. It was the best she did for both of them.

"Don't you dare. Don't you dare put it all on Juvia. Don't you dare paint Juvia the villain here. You were there. You heard it all. Would you have stayed?"

Natsu grew quiet. You could have cut the tension with a knife at this point. Everyone around them had become quiet but Juvia didn't notice. She was too engrossed in the moment. It took him a while, but Juvia saw his features soften before he pulled her into a hug.

"Look, I'm sorry. I know why you did what you did. I understand. It's just.. you leaving, it changed a lot. He's my best friend and I hate seeing him the way he was when you left. But you're also my friend and I'm glad to have you back."

Juvia felt the tears running down her cheeks. She tried to stop them, she really did. But she couldn't help it. There were just too many memories coming up, memories she had tried to erase.

TWO YEARS AGO

Fairy Tail was being attacked and they were slowly reaching their limits. Everyone was tired, outpowered and if they didn't find a way to stop them soon, there was little hope they would get out alive. Gray and Juvia had been fighting alongside each other all day and where reaching the guild hall where the leader of the attackers was hiding. They just needed to take him out and it would be over. When they arrived there, Natsu was already engaging in a fight with him.

To their dismay however, it didnt appear that he was getting anywhere near beating him. Gray and Juvia had joined him but it was still so hard. He had managed to knock out Natsu and Juvia was fighting consciousness while trying to lift herself up. There was only Gray left and he was desperate. He had to stop him before it was too late.

Next thing Juvia saw, was Gray in the Iced Sheel stance. He wouldn't.. would he? She called out to him, desperately trying to stop him, but he wasn't listening and she couldn't move, couldn't get up. The ice was starting to envelop him. Juvia kept calling out to him, kept begging for him to stop. But the temperature kept sinking and he kept going.

And then it all stopped.

Natsu had woken up and interfered. Had stopped him from using the spell that would cost him his life. Everything after that was a blur to Juvia because she lost conciousness, outpowered by her emotions.

When she woke up, the enemy was defeated and Gray was sitting next to her. Natsu was sitting not to far away, but had their backs turned to them, an attempt of giving them privacy. Juvia tried to get up but Gray just pushed her back down.

"You need to rest. The others will be here soon. Don't worry, it's over."

She wasn't having any of it. He had tried to sacrifice himself. Again. And she wouldn't just let that go.

"Why?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you use that spell?"

Silence. Then a sigh.

"I wanted to save you. Natsu. The guild."

"And sacrificing yourself is the answer?"

"We were running out of options."

"This is never an option. How can your life mean so little to you?"

Juvia put her hand on the spot that had a scar on it. The scar she got after she almost killed herself, a desperate attempt to save him. Back then, there wasn't another option. It was either him or her. But this, this was different.

"I sacrificed my life so you can live. And that's how you go ahead?"

"I never asked you to!"

"That's not the point."

"It is the point. I don't need you to save me, protect me or whatever. You're not my girlfriend, nor my family. You shouldn't care about me, don't you get that?"

"But I do care! And I will always care!"

"Stop. Stop it. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this."

"What is this? What is it you didn't ask for? Didn't want?"

"You, damn it! I didn't ask for you!"

It felt like Gray had stabbed her. His words had cut her deeper than any knife. Because Juvia was used to this. Used to being unwanted. She had been rejected all her life. And yet, it never hurt her as badly as it did when he rejected her. He had told her no before, ignored her advances. But this, this was different. Juvia forget about her wounds, the pain that had been inflicted on her during the battle. She got up, desperately trying to hold back the tears that were filling her eyes. Barely able to walk, she started limping out of the guild hall.

"Juvia.. wait."

"No, let me be."

"Juvia.. you're hurt."

"What do you care?"

"Juvia.."

"No. Don't talk to me that way. Don't pretend to care. It's over. I finally got your message. From now on, Juvia won't bother you anymore. You're free."

"Don't be ridiculous! Sit down and wait for Wendy so she can treat your wounds."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Juvia, stop being so stubborn!"

"You didn't want me, right? Juvia is only fulfilling your wish. So just let me go."

"I can't believe you."

Gray was looking  at her in disbelief. She had finally reached the guild door and flung it open. She turned to him, not sure how to say her final goodbye.

"Gray.."

"What, you're coming to your senses?"

"Nevermind, forget it.. you're a fucking asshole."

After that, Juvia had avoided going out until she found the requests she had later took on. Now that she thought about it, her final words to Gray haven't been her best. Juvia wasn't one to curse, wasn't one to throw around such words. She had called him a fucking asshole! The guy that she loved with all her heart.

Juvia freed herself from Natsus hug and excused herself. She really needed to go to her place and have some time for herself. She greeted a few more people before she made her way to Fairy Hills. Good thing that job earned her enough so she was able to pay the rent she owed for the past two years without an issue. She couldn't wait to be back in her room, in her cozy bed. The bed that was filled with letters as she noticed when she walked in. They were piling up, hundreds of them. Juvia wasn't one to get letters. She really didn't have anyone to write her letters in the first place. She dropped her bag and took one of the envelopes from the bed. Her name was written on every single hand, sometimes neater like the person took the time and sometimes a little sloppy, like they were in a hurry. It was clear however that they were all from the same person.

Juvia opened the envelop in her hand, only to drop it when she saw the name at the end of the letter. Gray. They were all from Gray. Had he been writing her letters all this time? But why.. he knew they wouldn't reach her, so why?

She spent the entire day reading them. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying. She found herself clutching every one to her heart. After she sorted them all after date, she took the first letter into her hand again, reading the words he had written for her two years ago.

Dear Juvia,

Master informed us about the mission you took today. When he first told me, I didn't believe him. I ran to Fairy Hills. But when I got there, all you're things were gone. I also saw that you got rid of your Gray dolls.. I should be happy about that considering they freak me out. But somehow I'm not. I really messed up this time, didn't I? I wanted to talk to you, apologize. But everytime I thought about what I had said, fear would overcome me, fear that it was really over, that you wouldn't forgive me. So I chickened out and said that I would do it the next day. I was an idiot and now I'm too late..

Master also informed us that there is no way to reach you. So I don't even know why I'm writing a letter in the first place. But I decided that I will write one everyday for you. So I can inform you about everything that's going on here. I know that I'm the reason that you left. And I don't want you to miss everything because of me. So I hope, that when you read those letters, you will feel like you never left. You're going to be very busy reading when you're back. And you will come back. I have to believe that. I can't lose you forever. Because what I said back then, it wasn't true. I was being stupid, believing that I would protect you if I pushed you away. I always mess up, don't I?

I really miss you Juvia.. you have only been gone for a day and I still miss you like it's been forever. I know I deserve it, but this is pure torture. I hate not being able to see you, talk to you, know how you're doing.

Please be safe out there and come back to me soon.

I'll be waiting for you. Because I love you. I truly love you Juvia and I always will. And you need to come back soon so I can tell you that in person. I promise to use this time to become a better man for you, so when you're back I can be good enough for you. Because you deserve the best and I'm not there yet. But I will get there. For you, I will do anything.

I love you, your Graysama.

When she put the letter down and looked up, she found Gray standing in her doorway, a look of disbelief on his face.

"You.. you're really back."

"Gray.."

"Natsu told me. But I.. I didn't believe him. But you're here. You're back."

"Gray.."

"I'm so sorry, Juvia. I'm truly so sorry. I didn't mean any of it, I never did. You're everything to me. I.. I don't.."

Gray kept rambling, nervously shifting and Juvia couldn't help but fall in love with him all over again. She had forgiven him already, the letters said more than she had ever expected. She believed him, believed him that he didnt mean it, that he loved her. Because he wouldn't have sat down every day, pouring his emotions in a letter, if he didn't.

"Graysama.."

He stopped talking. It had been so long since she called him like that. Juvia knew that too. She got up and walked towards him. Before he could react, she had put her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and kissing him softly. After a moment she felt him relax and kiss her back.

Yes, these past two years where torture for the both of them. But it was what they needed. And now, now they would be inseparable. Juvia was finally back home.

[homestuckexamination]

Selfish Vs Unselfish

Jesus. Yeah I have nothing to comment here, I’m going to read this later when I haven’t just woken up.

You know the drill. Put it under ‘Read More’. A matter of perspective it can be, but there can be an objective truth to sort that out. Let me e x p a n d on this matter using Homestuck and some philosophy. And for those who missed the last ask on Active/Passive divide, please do remember that these labels are on a continuum, not strictly boxed categories. “UNSELFISH” or UNSELFISH - The passive classes lean more to this. How? By being group-oriented. Like support classes in RPGs, their asset comes mainly from a drive to benefit others. Roxy is one of the best examples of this. While she was passive-aggressive in her pursuit of romance, she is ultimately willing to put her self aside and bettering herself if that meant making sure the group stays together. She does this by, to quote Dirk, never turning the tables to make a talk about her when she knows her friend needs something.

TG: i was gonna say why i finally quit drinkin TG: i mean if you want to know GG: Yes. GG: Actually, once you did stop, it made me finally realize it was a problem for you for a long time. GG: And I didn’t say anything at the time, but it made me wonder if I wasn’t doing the right thing before. GG: By failing to point out you might have a problem? Or just going along with it and participating in lively banter any time you clearly had too much to drink? GG: Was I just being a bad friend? TG: nah it wasnt your responsibility to fix my shit TG: and anyway i think i made it hard for anyone to come at me like it was a real problem TG: i was always joking around so much and havin a good time like kind of overzealously so TG: that i probably just made people feel like a shitty wet blanket for even mentioning it

She wants to be of use to her group. However, the downside to this is that, as passively Roxy can be, she often needs them as well.

TG: and now dirk knows that too and for some reason letting him down feels like the worst part?? TG: which is equally lame and weak cuz i should care for my own sake not for how it makes a dude see me but it still just really bothers me ???

TG: i didnt want her to meet a sloppy embarrassing mess of a daughter

TG: even if she did like to drink at some point it was kind of a childish idea that doing so myself would make me closer to her or help us bond or whatever TG: anyway i think i might of overestimated her drinkin habits

How would you know if a class is truly passive when a character just been a really selfish a-hole through the story? It’s how they mainly rely on others as well. Let’s use Aranea as the main example of a selfish passive Sylph of Light that tries to emulate a Thief. Aranea says that Sylph is a healer type of class that involves boosting others, even excessively. However, while she claims that she merely wants to help and shepard the Alpha timeline by taking control of it, Meenah says otherwise. What Aranea has been doing is a self-aggrandizing act to get into the spotlight and not sit on the sidelines anymore, much like her fellow Serket. Like Kanaya, she is meddlesome. She asserts that what she does is for the good of all, even if that means doing something others would object to. They don’t want that. But, she does it anyway.

At first, she complies when the recipient refuses, but when it eventually comes to her ultimate takeover plan, everyone else comes second. She may believe that she’s just granting their wishes, but her underlying motive is ultimately selfish- albeit by excessively “helping” others for her own cause. Aranea failed to learn what Mindfang did:

“8ut as I sit here deciding what to do with the damna8le little sphere, I understand my error. It was not in failing to chart a course through future events to turn my fortune’s tide, even so many sweeps from now. It was in 8elieving the future was mind to know, and fortune mine to control.”

Now let’s use Rufioh and compare him to Roxy. Both of them are Rogues. Both of them are group-oriented characters that act selfishly from time-to-time. The difference is that Rufioh is more selfish. He’s extremely affable to the point of being a doormat to please others all while trying to be polite about romantic advances despite being a flirt himself. He’s reluctant to voice his own reason that he wants to leave his matespritship with Horuss. Sounds familiar? He’s the Jake of the love triangle. Rufioh cheated on Damara and never takes responsibility from it, focusing on Damara being a crazed scorned girl.

Passive players that fail to balance supporting others and fulfilling their own desires often end up being thrown in a loop. Forcing your solution solution on others for 'their own good’ is selfish. Your concern on how others perceive you may be sprouted from your own insecurity. Whenever you make a donation to the less fortunate, how can you be certain it’s not without the purpose of staving off guilt, doing it because it simply aligns with your moral code, or because it feels good? 

AG: I decided not to, 8ecause I didn’t want to 8e the one to make you sad about it.

AG: Was that selfish of me? I dunno.

It’s a gem to see volunteers whose instincts are to help people to make life more bearable, mind you. But they’re also doing that because they want to see them better and it’s often their own desire to do so and fulfill that dream.

ENLIGHTENED VS UNENLIGHTENED SELFISHNESS

-I’ve rambled on this a bit. Here’s a recap:

*Unenlightened Selfishness is… pretty much the archetypal self-centeredness that makes people jerks. It’s whenever you do something for yourself with little to no regard to other people’s desires. It’s the greedy shark hoarding all the treasure. It’s when you try to justify your actions with a perspective of “everyone else is selfish, so I’m entitled to be an asshole to everyone too”.

*Enlightened Selfishness or Enlightened Self-Interest is the opposite. It’s when you respect that everyone has their own wants and needs by compromising and coinciding them with your own. It’s like a deal. It’s the Golden Rule. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. It’s when you do things for other people for the good you’ll get from it, even when the payment is simple politeness and being generally nice. Society expects each individual to benefit the community in turn by working. We work with the expectation that others work for us. Unlike the first, this form of self-interest benefits both parties. Another term is Selfish Altruism.

We see an exercise of selfishness burning brightly through Vriska’s arc.

(VRISKA): I’m not a loser though! (VRISKA): I LIKE who I’ve 8ecome. (VRISKA): I actually feel happy and good a8out my life for the first time in… may8e forever?? (VRISKA): Like, ACTUALLY good a8out my life in a way that feels real, instead of forced. Don’t you realize that’s what it was like for us? VRISKA: You don’t have a life! VRISKA: You’re DEAD, remem8er? VRISKA: I’m the one with the life! VRISKA: And I fully intend to use it in a relevant and constructive way to help 8ring an end to all the horri8le shit that’s 8een going on for way too long. VRISKA: Remem8er when you used to care a8out that sort of thing? VRISKA: No, o8viously not. VRISKA: All you care a8out now is 8ullshit hipstery fashion trends, feeling “happy”, and… whatever the fuck it is you’re doing here? VRISKA: Frolicking with some horses in an ugly field or some shit. VRISKA: Just a8solutely disgraceful. VRISKA: How could I have 8ecome so selfish??

Vriska is accusing (Vriska) for being selfish despite being selfish herself. Remember her popular hero quote?

VRISKA: I only ever wanted to do the right thing no matter how it made people judge me, and I don’t need a magic ring to do that. VRISKA: You don’t have to 8e alive to make yourself relevant. VRISKA: And you don’t have to 8e a good person to 8e a hero. VRISKA: You just have to know who you are and stay true to that. VRISKA: So I’m going to keep fighting for people the only way I ever knew how.

VRISKA: 8y 8eing me.

And a few panels after that, she does this.

VRISKA: OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! VRISKA: OH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! VRISKA: WE’RE G8ING TO LOOK AT WH8T’S IN THIS CH8ST RIGHT N8W!!!!!!!! VRISKA: DO YOU HE8R ME Y8U F8CK? VRISKA: I D8DN’T SCRAPE AND CLAW MY W8Y 8ACK TO RELEV8NCE F8R THIS SHIT! VRISKA: I’M DOING S8METHING F8CKING IMPORTANT! AND WHEN I DO SOMETH8NG FUCKING IMPORT8NT, EVERY88DY 8ETTER D8MN WELL PAY ATT8NTION TO ME!!!!!!!!

Sure, her resurrection got everyone’s attention, but also annoyance. A lot of their personal problems aren’t truly solved, just put on a temporary chokehold by someone with a stubborn, assertive personality. She’s taking charge so that her team won’t be in poor condition for the big fight, but also to, well, be in the spotlight. She doesn’t care how others think of her, she just wants to help… but also because it makes her important, even if that means overpowering her friends, including her moirail Terezi. Vriska’s the active counterpart to Roxy in both class and aspect. A positive part of this is that it’s easier for Vriska and other folks like her to be self-driven.

…

What am I getting at? It’s a matter of intention. Are they doing it to mainly benefit others? Or are they acting to benefit themselves? Even if it’s grey, there’s often a tint or shade that’s lighter or darker that makes someone lean somewhere. It doesn’t matter how they see themselves and how they perceive their own actions, it’s their motivation that defines the line. Accidents don’t count. It’s the will. Looking at one’s intention is a way to objectively sift through the blurriness of it their actions, even when said intention is subconscious. You can also simply take the Active/Passive divide on strictly class roles in terms of RPG abilities alone if you’re not keen on the personalities of the bunch.

[thatonesadending]

Molly and Caleb get to talk about his return, and what it means. But then Beau has to come by and completely derail Caleb - There is Magic in Words; Chapters 6-7

“Thank you.” Caleb eventually said, breaking the quiet.

“Why are you thanking me? Last I checked, you are the one that did all the stuff worth thanking today, love.” Molly responded with a chuckle.

“For being … being you.” His words were so soft, as though he didn't want Molly to actually hear them. He lifted his head then, to look the other man in the eyes.

“Caleb,” he didn't know where to begin. He knew that Caleb wasn't talking about him being back in his own body. He was talking about all the sweet things Caduceus had told him about how the Nien remembered him. Molly was pretty sure they all were suffering a bit of memory loss due to grief, making him out to be better than he really was, but he found it sweet nonetheless.

“I don't know how to be anyone else, dear. Couldn't if I tried.” Molly said. That at least was true.

“Exactly.” Caleb took his hand from Molly’s knee, suddenly showing a bit of nervousness. How this man could go from spoiling him with incredible magic Molly couldn’t have ever imagined, to self-conscious was a mystery. Caleb seemed to make a choice, and continued.

“You are refreshing, if I am honest. There are not many people in this world who really mean what they say, and follow through with their actions. I might not have understood or agreed with the things you did, or even the way you saw the world, but your optimism and compassion that you treated others, it was - it is admirable. Even from that first night at the inn, I could tell you were genuine about things that mattered. For a man that proudly claimed to be a liar, I have never seen you bend the truth more than what was necessary. Never for selfish gain, but always to help others, never to betray. It took me a little while, but I trust you, and my trust isn’t easily won. That has not changed, not for me, and I am certain with a little bit of time, the others .”

Molly had no idea what to say. It was completely unexpected, however, something told him that Caleb was saying this more for himself than for him. There was a bit of a wrinkle around his eyes that looked as though he was in pain. Molly never did get to hear his story from before they all became the Mighty Nien, and he still didn't know all that happened while he was gone, but Caleb spoke like a man who had been let down far too many times. Molly wanted to explain how it was just easier for him to be brash and bold, because he chose to ignore consequences. That thinking of what could be was just too hard for him when he had already died once, and now that he died a second time … he wasn’t sure how he felt about his naivety. Instead, he chose to continue on the now.

“I trust you too Caleb. I knew you were a lot more than the shy, cowardly wizard that you wanted all of us to think you were. I hoped with time, you would realize it was ok to love yourself and let us care for you. I am a little sad that I missed the inbetween, but I am glad you are there.” Caleb chuckled at Molly’s confession.

“I am not quite, work in progress as it were, but you might make it a little easier for me.” Caleb was blushing, obviously still not used to praise. That was ok, Molly could work with him on that. He wanted to take the wizard’s hand, but he didn't want to push too far.

“Speaking of time and progress, how long has it been?” Molly had been avoiding asking anyone, because judging on appearances, it seemed to be a while.

“Almost a year.” Caleb replied almost flatly, as though he didn't believe it himself.

“Well fuck me sideways.”

They both laughed at the bit of brevity.

“Incredible. After a year, you all followed Lucien into this creepy fucking city, just to bring me back? How did that plan work?” He asked, the memory of the alley way still sending chills down his spine.

“Not exactly.” Caleb almost looked, ashamed. “We had been told that you were gone forever, and were actually following him to kill him before he could … it’s a long story for another day. We had no plan. I am very sorry for that. But it seems as if luck was on our side.”

“But if you didn't know, and didn’t have a plan, how - how did you call me?” Molly was bewildered. It was fine that they didn't actually come for him, but it made his return very confusing.

“A hunch? I couldn't be sure, but there had been a few moments when Lucien interacted with the others that … that I was sure I could see you. Certain words or memories seemed to trigger Lucien. Your face has always been the easiest for me to read of all the Nien, you were never very good at hiding your emotions. I could probably beat you at a cards.” Molly started to protest, but Caleb kept going.

“However I could not know that it was not wishful thinking, and I did not want to get the other’s hope up if it wasn't true and risk themselves.” Caleb looked so sad for a moment. “But I am a hypocrite, when it came to a moment of choosing whether to let them try and kill Lucien and never know, or to let myself hope, I did.” His hands had unconsciously gone to gently rub at his neck, where Molly could just now see bruised flesh, bruises in the shape of his own fingertips.

“Caleb! I am so -”

“Nien. It was not you. I am alright.” Molly still reached out to sooth the bruise, before realizing that Caleb probably didn’t want his hands anywhere near them. Still, the wizard reached out and took Molly’s hand in both of his before finishing.

“I did not know, but I tried to use every memory that I had of things you had said or done that had impacted us in some way. It worked, ja?” Caleb’s eyes looked glassy but was smiling, and Molly had to work very hard not to cry again.

“Ah, the kiss on the forhead. You are a genius. I am lucky you didn’t slap me first.” Was all he could think to say, while giving Caleb’s hand a squeeze. He had been a bit clumsy in that attempt to break the wizard out of the panic state he had been in all that time ago, not knowing what else to do, but it worked. “Wait, if you used memories and such, why the kiss? The one on the lips. We have never kissed before.” Molly didn’t mean it to sound like an accusation, but it was a little odd to him.

“Ja, yes, that.” Caleb looked suddenly very flustered. It was kind of cute, if unnecessary. Molly didn't mind, just wanted to know. “Ah, instinct? ‘What would Mollymauk do’ as it were?”

“That’s fair. I do like a good kiss.” He couldn’t help but grin at the full body flush that Caleb now had. “And that was a very good kiss Mr. Caleb.” The man pulled his hands away in embarrassment, but Molly wasn’t quite done flirting. “I can already see all the free drinks at taverns when I share this story. ‘I was pulled back from the dead with a passionate kiss from a very handsome wizard!’” He leaned back on his elbows as he spoke, just to get a good look at Caleb’s reaction.

“As long as you share some of those drinks, let’s call it even, shall we?” Some of the embarrassment had faded, and that just wouldn’t do. Molly was feeling more and more like himself, and had a bit more flirt left in him.

“I will get you all the drinks you want, love. But you will have to tell me where you learned how to kiss like that, which one of these assholes have you been practicing with? My money is on the dr-” but Caleb quickly cut him off, and Molly could see he took it a bit too far.

“Nien, no one. I, ah, have not kissed anyone in a very long time, but I promise you - I, er - I had not meant for it to be ‘passionate’, simply … I acted without thinking.” Molly could see that Caleb was about to apologize, but he was the one that should.

“Darling, it’s a compliment, really. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I know you didn’t mean anything by it, just hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Worst ways to be greeted back into the world.” Molly tried to sound as carefree as possible. There was a little frown that appeared on Caleb's face, and Molly was worried he was still somehow fucking this up. But it disappeared, and he was thankful when Caleb turned to face him.

“As though you could think anyone would not enjoy kissing you Mollymauk.” Oh that was bold, he did like that. He was about to respond with something probably entirely too dirty, but Caleb stood.

“It is getting late, and you look to be in much better spirits, would you like me to fetch Yahsa now? Or I can show you to her room?” Right, he was still very tired, and the way he was lounging back looking up at the wizard was making him just want to fall back into the pillows and close his eyes, though Yasha’s company would make that a lot better. Besides, Caleb still had to show that grumpy Essek guy his room too. Molly had taken up too much of his time.

“Yasha will probably love this room as much as me, thank you.” He said. Caleb seemed to concentrate, and Molly remembered that he and Beau could still do that creepy mind talking thing. But he wasn't going to worry about that right now. It didn’t take long before there was a knocking on the door, and Caleb moved to open it. Without thinking, Molly jumped up to catch him before he could reach it. He embraced the other man, wanting to just one more moment with him.

“Thank you.” He knew it was silly, and it didnt really convey the gravity of what had been done for him. But he had to say it anyway. Caleb hugged him back, an arm snaking around his waist, and the other resting gently in between his shoulder blades, a cheek pressed to the side of his horn. “Always, Mollymauk.”

________

The moment Caleb turned back to the door to leave Mollymauk’s room, he felt the worry and stress creep back in. He didn’t want to leave. It was easy to be with Molly, his effortless charm and the fact that Caleb always seemed to know where he stood with the tiefling. Even as Molly had been crying in his arms, Caleb knew it wasn't because of anything he did, and that he would show the wizard what he needed even if he didn’t know how to put it into words.

Caleb had seen Molly rubbing his fingers where there should have been rings, noticed him frustratingly brushing his dirty hair back, and picked up on how he was avoiding his own reflection in the windows. These were all things Caleb could relate to in one way or another. The horrible skin crawling feeling of not knowing what to do in your own skin after someone had used you for their own purpose. He was just glad he was able to help a bit.

It was wonderful to get to see Molly get comfortable again, even if that meant he was still a giant flirt. But that also meant the incredibly perceptive Molly was back too. Caleb didn’t know how he managed it, but he always seemed to be able to crawl into people’s minds and see when they were lying, or holding back. It made him great with people, useful and getting information.

So for a terrifying moment, when he asked Caleb about that kiss and how it wasn’t a call back to a memory, he was worried Molly was going to see it on his face. That it was a memory, just not one Molly remembered, but obviously some part of him did. That was not their first kiss, but their second.

But it would have been too much, Molly had enough to get used to and learn about the Mighty Nien, and that would have only complicated things further.

Caleb opened the door to find Yasha standing there, positively beaming at him. Part of his stress washed away again. Yasha also knew, even better than Caleb, what it felt like to lose control over yourself, and hurt those you love. She had been doing so much better, thanks in large part to Beau, and Caleb felt grateful that she could now help her best friend heal too.

She started to slip through the door that Caleb held for her, but paused just long enough to say, “Beau would like a word with you.”

Caleb ran a frustrated hand through his face. He did not want to speak with her, he knew what she wanted. He floated downwards and sent a telepathic thought to her.

“Hallo Beauregard, I understand you would like to speak, but could this possibly wait until morning? I am quite exhausted.”

“Have you shown Essek his room yet?” Her quick reply came.

“Nien.”

“Then no. My room, now.”

He really was too tired for this. They had spent the day fighting the monsters of Aeor, then an Elemental, jumped through a portal, had two confrontations with Lucien, and only then tried to make camp in this terrifying city. It made a good recipe for heightened emotions and bad choices. He thought about just ignoring her, and going to the wizard that was waiting in his library. However, he knew she wouldn't leave him alone, probably send him telepathic threats of violence until he answered her.

Almost before he could knock, she was pulling him in, dragging him past the sitting room and into her bedroom where they were alone.

“So…” She started, crossing her arms angrily and tapping her toe expectantly.

“Beauregard, I am not sure what it is that you want of me-”

“I want to know why you made a room for a dead man in your fucked up hall of memories.” Caleb briseled, her tone full of accusations, and he had no idea where to start with them. He found that he was unable to lie to Beau without her noticing, so he led with a half truth.

“I started thinking about the tower right after Jester, Fjord and Yasha were taken. As a means to insure that it would never happen again if I could help it.” He paused, that was not a time either of them enjoyed remembering. “Molly was still with us, and his room was the easiest to imagine, he was not particularly shy about showing off his tastes.”

“So you made some weird red-room thing for him, a wall covered with dilldos, and that’s why you hid it away?” Her voice had yet to lose any of its sharpness.

Not exactly, he thought.

“No Beau,” He replied “It is a just a bedroom as colorful as him.”

“Then why not include Molly’s room down here with the rest of ours? You were not the only one grieving you know? We could have visited his room too.” She sounded just a touch hurt, and he knew why. He knew she blamed herself, foolishly.

Because it was not his room, it was mine. He would have rather died in that moment then to admit that to her. Then to explain how on hard nights of travel and battle, he would leave his own room on the 7th level once everyone had gone to bed, go to that room and open the large windows concealing the moon he had recreated, and would just talk to Mollymauk. Tell him how their day had gone, explain his worries for the others, or theories of their adventures. He would ask for advice, knowing he wouldn’t get it, but it helped to imagine his friend could hear him.

Other nights, when the guilt and regret were more than he felt he could handle, he would lay in the large bed and try and feel a little less alone. It rarely worked, but he did get some comfort from it. Because above all else, this room was a reminder of a possibility, what could have happened if Caleb hadn’t been such a coward. Had he not contemplated leaving all of them the night before, just barely deciding to stay, but not doing nearly enough to protect them. Mollymauk had died painfully, and he possibly could have lived had Caleb had just been a little smarter, a little braver. It was a reminder not to make that same mistake twice, because this room really could have been Molly’s had he just been better.

And then there were the nights where Caleb just had too much pent up frustration, too much stress to think clearly, that he would go to that room and …

He cut off his own thoughts, they were not helpful with the question at hand. Another half truth then.

“Because I was embarrassed. I did not know what to do with my, um well -” He knew he needed to give Beau more truth, she did deserve it, the two of them having shared so much pain together over the last year. And he knew he could trust her, but there were still things he did not trust himself to say out loud. “... my stupid crush. I believe that is how it is said in common.”

It didn’t shock him that Beau was not at all surprised, of course she knew. She waited for him to continue. She was rarely patient, but she could be unnervingly stubborn when she knew it meant she would get her way.

“When he left us, I had just started to accept that possibly it was ok if others cared for me. Not to expect it, but to let them. He showed me a kindness I had never experienced before. One without expectations, freely given with a care for permission. Open with his affection, however I was not ready at the time to confront how I felt about that at the time. His death was hard for me in a very selfish way. I have been trying since to pass on the lessons he gave me, even if I have been clumsy with it.”

Beau softened, her arms relaxed at her sides, and Caleb half feared she would hug him.  But she didn’t, she did something worst.

“I am so sorry Cay.”

All was silent for several moments. Caleb thought about just turning and leaving, already having said too much without having to say goodnight as well. But Beau had no plans to release him yet.

“So what are you going to do about it.”

He would have rathered her punch him.

“Nothing.” He said, flatley. “We are both very different men. It has been a long time since we have seen him last. I have changed, mostly for the better I hope, but he has gone through something incredibly difficult and traumatic. Coming home after so much time has passed, to find that all your friends have moved on and you now wear the face of a man they tried to kill? Its bound to … fuck him up, as it were.” He paused, Beau was grimacing, but he could tell she understood. “What happens next is up to him. If he chooses to stay with us, or take him back to Trostenwald and his circus, it is up to him. He has earned that choice for all the ones he hasn't gotten to make.” He knew it wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear, but it was the best he had.

She relaxed at his answer, but only for a minute. Caleb braced himself uselessly.

“So what about Essek?” Gods she was a menace.

“What about him?” His returned question just prompted more frustration from her.

“Oh you know, the other purple dude that just so happens to also be a super angsty wizard like you, that you have been shamelessly flirting with for days? The one that every time you guys are in the same room, we all have to suffer through the suffocating sexual tension? The one waiting for you to show you his ‘room’, not the guest room?” Each sentence was pointed and bared directly at him.

“Nothing.” He repeated, “I will admit a certain level of attraction, but I am not going to do something foolish as risk all of you. Not when we don’t really know where his loyalties will lie when we leave Aeor. “ It was a simplification of the truth, but still very much true.

“I am not sure you get that choice.”

“How do you mean?”

“Because he obviously has the hots for you dude. He has been working very hard to get into your pants, and I think for the long haul.”  She was looking at him like he was stupid, and he resented that. Of course, he knew that Esske returned the attraction,  and would've had to be blind to not to see it. He wanted very much to reciprocate, he wanted to drag the man into one of the various halls of Aeor, and finally put to rest his theories on how it would feel to kiss him. He had wanted the wizard to embrace him from almost their first meetings. Caleb could still feel the burning on the back of his skull from where Essek had touched him to guide his attention to the dodecahedron, unknowingly distracting him from anything by Essek’s hand. But he needed time, they both did. Time to know that Essek’s motivations were true and could be trusted. There was so much the two hadn't shared with each other, too many secrets and lies still. Too risky with the political and power games they both played to just ignore. Beau though didn't wait for him to answer.

“Hate to admit it, but I don’t want to see the guy get hurt. Not just because he can be a scary motherfucker, but because he is our friend.” She sighed “ And then there is Molly, and really don't want him to get hurt. You know he likes you back?” She asked, but she seemed to know the answer.

Yes, he did. He thought. Of course he noticed Mollymauk treating him much differently than the others. He had flirted, teased, much the same as he did with everyone. However he was a lot more gentle about it, never touched him if Caleb requested space. However alway remained within 5 feet of him if he was exposed in battle to protect him, rather taking a blade himself then Caleb. At first he thought it was a tactical thing, to protect the wizard who is very squishy. But when Molly continued to protect him, sometimes from himself, he knew Mollymauk had singled him out. He has been fairly certain that not even Molly knew how he himself felt, unaware of his different affection since he tended to live his life in the short term and on whims. But Caleb knew.

It had been uncomfortable, and he resisted, but the tiefling unconsciously started tearing down his walls. Then he died, things had changed, and now was very different from then.

“I know.” was all he managed to whisper. He said nothing more for a long time, just looking at the floor of Beau’s room.

“What do you want?” The telegraphed thought surprised him, but she must have known answering aloud would have been too hard. He dragged a frustrated hand through his face before answering,

“I do not know.”

“Well, you better figure it out before getting Essek alone in a room.” She didn’t say anything more, just turned and head to the bathroom he made her, leaving him to see himself out and figure out what he was going to do.

He just needed more time.

[xbubbledumbbx]

Wanna talk about Chris Thorndyke? Let’s mother fff*cking y’all about Chris Thorndyke

You opened this can of worms now dRINK IT

You see this boy? This itty bitty boy who’s face looks like a comfortable place for my fist?

Chris is a character from the “Anime” SonicX and I hAte his fukcing guts. Now you might be reading this and going, bubble what the fuck? You hate this itty bitty foot scrub? But he looks like a rat, I love rats!? Why do you draw yourself with his hairstyle if you hate him so much??? (First of all stfu!! I can’t believe I hurt my own feelings, damn)

LiSten

Not only does that boy have not one, not tHREE but five adult figures in his life that love and care for him! Now if that isn’t the biggest bULLSHIT YOU EVER SEEN

HIS PARENTS AINT EVEN DIVORCED, LOOK AT HIM AND HIS PARENTS

And on top of the parents he has a butler who teaches him martial arts, a cool tech wiz grandfather, a famous uncle and a maid!

My guy has he audacity to feel lonely when he always has company around who loves him, meanwhile I got left alone in a room for hours with only a couch and PBSKids for entertainment but oh sure, you don’t have enough friends, you’re lonely.

That’s mad disrespectful to your friends Frances, Danny and Helen :/

My second reason is that Chris really has no personal problems, no outstanding character arks and nothing interesting going on. He’s got the emotional depth of flour.

Chris is rich so they could’ve had something revolving him being a pretentious snob or him being entitled but they don’t. I’m a sucker for the “asshole turned into nicer asshole” trope but they didn’t even do that.

The most development he gets is how he overcame his creepy possessiveness over Sonic in the Episode 50 ark.

In this episode, the Earth fucked around and merged two dimensions which was terrible for its sense of time. Now all Mobians have to return to their dimension or they gonna fuck around and stop time forever.

Instead of letting Sonic leave and saving their worlds, Chris takes Sonics hand and books it, he said “fuck y’all and the linear flow time”

Chris has a habit of being selfish and only caring for his own wants and needs; which would be a good ark for him but not in the middle of a global crisis.

Chris is so bland he diDNT EVEN PASS THE SEXY LAMP TEST!

It’s funny to me that they stole a bunch of deep, emotional and impactful moments from good characters and gave them to Chris. They really just sprinkled him into scenes he had no business being in.

My favorite example of this is the scene with Amy and Shadow on the ARK

In the game Amy talks to Shadow, asking for his help and telling him that there is still good in this world even if people are bad sometimes. Her words help him remember the forgotten promise he made to his best friend, you know the story and it’s sweet.

In the show Shadow just beats the shit out of Chris for 3 minutes cause he can’t keep his hands to himself for five seconds (did I mention how creepy Chris can be?)

The only reason Shadow begins to reflect on his past actions is because he took one look at Chris, bruises and beaten and it triggered his traumatic memories to come back. I’m not even joking look at this shit.

As someone who suffers from PTSD, I hate this, I hate Chris. Look at this!!

You broke him even further is what you did. Look at him now he has anxiety, good job!

It wasn’t even necessary to touch Shadow to get your point across. You can even hear the panic in Shadows voice when Chris lays his hands on him (which is a symptom of PTSD)

So not only was he an unnecessary insert Chris into this plot line but he was wORST AT IT. THE BLUEPRINTS WERE THERE HOW DID YOU MESS IT UP?!

My third point is very neatly summed up in comment by redditor /sunstart2y

Chris is a fucking useless addition, an annoying fly on the wall at best and a probably a self insert from one of the writers shitty middle school Fanfiction.

Helen should’ve been the main protagonists, you can’t change my mind

[runehope]

Are you serious about thinking Semple's feud with Anish Kapoor had racial motivations?

I'm South Asian too, like Kapoor, used to be hyperaware of my race/ethnicity and that post kinda made me feel that people of other races will never see beyond mine, something I haven't felt in a long time and I'm feeling all raw and boxed in, stripped of my individuality and just a bit dehumanized.

Also, I'm colourblind too, red-green. I wasn't good at art but I religiously memorized the information about what things were supposed to be red and what green to be able to colour things correctly. And this time I forgot my crayons and the teacher gave me old, broken ones which had no wrappers and when I turned in my work, the teacher ridiculed me for 5 minutes straight while the whole class laughed. Learning Stuart Semple, a fellow colorblind person could become an artist was.. Well it wasn't exactly inspiring since I don't want to become one too but it's feels awfully good to know that happened and yeah just want to tell you calling him a racist asshole for trolling a rich snob who thinks he should have exclusive rights to a material he didn't make doesn't just because the snob happened to be a "person of color" (how I hate that phrase, that white-centric phrase implying a Japanese and a Maori has more things in common than either of them has with a white person) doesn't mean he is a racist asshole.

first point: i made that post Literal Years ago and only edited it a few months ago because it keeps fucking getting notes, so like, i dont care. i don’t give a shit about either Semple or Kapoor at this point, i don’t know them and i was only interested in the drama for a short time.

and yes, i do believe there was a tinge of racism to the whole debacle. i don’t think Semple is a racist, because fuck if i know. but it’s just kinda weird for a white guy to be painting an artist of color as a selfish greedy snob that’s “gatekeeping color” or whatever. Vantablack was never going to be available to artists because it’s NOT an art supply - Kapoor didn’t keep it from everyone else, the makers of Vantablack graciously let ONE artist use it and it happened to be Kapoor. and then Semple hijacked that whole narrative for marketing for his product, it was a manufactured feud to sell things.

the rest of your ask is all really personal details that i didnt need to know about and your anecdote doesn’t change my opinion whatsoever.

however, i will concede that the Bean is bad and i don’t like it.

[backtobackbakubabe]

Stuck in the Middle with You (Part 4)

Bakugo X Reader 

Words : 3211

*****************************************************************************************************

“So like this?”

You were currently trying a complicated move you had seen Bakugo practicing earlier. You had been enjoying your coffee from your usual spot on your back porch. Watching him work out like the total creep you were. There was something about this last move though that peaked your interest, and that something was the fact that Bakugo looked like he was struggling to do it.

He admitted that he relied too much on his quirk and he wanted to get better at his combat skills without using it. Which resulted in having to almost relearn everything. You on the other hand didn’t have a flashy quirk like him, therefore you already knew exactly how to throw your weight to accomplish the move that was currently attempting.

You landed perfectly on your feet with your hands already in position to counter attack. You locked eyes at an annoyed albeit impressed Bakugo. “You know sometimes I forget you can be a badass when you want to. I would have thought you would have been a little rusty sitting at your desk job now.”

You winked, “Well I had a good trainer growing up and I think he’s kick my ass if I ever let myself get ‘rusty’.”

He lunged at you, grabbed your hand and twisted it behind you back. He leaned in close, your back flush against his stomach. “Yeah I think he would. So why don't you show him you still got what it takes.”

You gulped. It had been a fun thought. Sparring with Bakugo again like old times. But honestly you had been bluffing. You were in fact a little rusty. But you weren't going to let him know that.

You broke free from his hold and pushed down the disappointed feeling of no longer being in his embrace. You turned and swept your leg in an attempt to trip him up. He simply laughed, “Oh you’re going to have to do better than that smalls.”

So you continued on like that for a while. Dancing around each other. It seemed like every time he started to gain advantage he’d let up a little. Which royally pissed you off. Bakugo had never, ever taken easy on you. It made your attacks harder and sometimes a little reckless. “Come on y/n. Dont let me into your head so easy. You’re supposed to be the queen of the mental game. Are you even trying?!”

You hadn't been using your quirk before. You hadn't been playing the mental game. You had thought it would be unfair considering he wasn't using his quirk either. But now you were livid. You saw red and reached out and connected with Bakugo's mind. Now anytime he decided on what to do next you would get a glimpse. It had been while since you had done this, and you almost forgot how hard it was to focus on his mind and reality at the same time. But you also forgot how easy it was to read him, his mind, his body language, his intentions. He had always been an open book to you. It baffled you when your classmates disagreed.

The dance continued but this time it was falser and more intense. You were both sweating under the hot sun. You didnt know how much you had left in you. You were growing tired and your limbs stared to feel heavy. How long had you been doing this? Minutes? Hours?

You threw a carless kick up but you could tell as soon as you did it, it was wrong. Bakugo grabbed you foot mid air. Totally off balance you began to fall. You braced yourself for impact but instead you were tackled and landed on a sweaty Bakugo. You were straddling him with your hands on his chest. Your minds still being connected you saw the worry there. He was worried he has almost hurt you.

You blushed and retreated from his mind. The fight was over, there was no need to invade his private thoughts.

He reached up and cupped your cheek, turning you to face him. “Are you okay? You’re all red. Do you need water or something?

You smiled and shook your head, “No I’m fine. Honestly. Thanks.... for... you know. Catching me.” You smirked, “I never thought I’d see the day where Katsuki forfeited a match -.”

Before you could finish your thought you were being tuned over and now he was straddling you. “Hey! I don’t remember waving any fucking white flags. I don’t forfeit, I don’t surrender, and I never give up.”

You bucked your hips and threw your weight in an attempt to buck him off and throw him over your shoulders.

He surprised you though by leaning forward and pinning you down. His nose inches from yours.

Your breath caught in your throat. You heart began to race and your mind was spinning. All you could think about was him kissing you during your panic attack. Waking up to his arm wrapped around your waist. His proximity was intoxicating. “I’m not the one with the mind reading ability here y/n... you need to let me know... how you’re feeling.”

His nose briefly brushed against yours. Your heart pounded and your blush deepened. You gently leaned up until your lips were almost touching his. “But what if we don’t want the same things...”

He took your hand and put it on his cheek. This amplified your ability to read him and he knew this. “Look for yourself.”

You were drowning in those piercing red eyes as they swam with emotion. You were over come with this overwhelming since of want, and warmth, and ... love. You began to feel what he felt as your heart grew heavy with desire but not in a sexual way as you had grown accustomed to with most men. No this was different. It was a desire to protect, a desire to hold, a desire to cherish, a desire to help.

A single tear spilled down your cheek. “Is that.... is that really how you feel?”

He wiped it away and pushed his forehead against yours. “Yes... I don’t know when it began. Sometime in high school probably. But Y/n... it’s like you’re a magnet. You’re the only one who knew the real me. The only one who had the balls to hug me because you could actually tell the difference in when I was having a bad day and when I was just being an asshole. You do your best to be there for everyone else but who is there for you?”

He brushed stray hair away from your face, “Hey smalls again I really need you to use your voice. I need to know how you fe-”

You leaned up and pressed your lips to his. It was gentle at first. Something you hadn't thought Bakugo was capable of. You instinctively wrapped your arms around his neck and the kiss grew in intensity.

Things were getting heated when he suddenly pulled back. You gave him a confused look but he just rubbed a thumb across your cheek. “Let’s get you off this hard ground. We’re both filthy, sweaty messes. Instead of helping you to your feet, he just swept you up into his arms and made his way into your house.

His mouth found yours again as he began to climb the stairs leading to your room. He kicked your door open without ever breaking your kiss. You could feel his hands twitch with the desire to touch you but he was holding back. Why was he holding back? Did he think you couldn't handle it? Were you that fragile to him? There you go with your spiraling thoughts again. Even now when you couldn’t be happier.. they are always there to remind you of how messed up you are.

He sat you down gently on the edge of your sink and finally pulled away to turn the shower on. He retuned and instead of resuming your make-out session he began to untie your laces and take off your shoes. Followed by your socks. Then his fingers so soft you almost didn’t know they were there drifted across your skin and up your legs as he stood back up. His hands went up your thighs and stopped at the hem of your athletic shorts. His red eyes looking to you for permission.

You gave him a weak nod and he slowly pulled your short off and tossed them into to dirty clothes hamper. Even in the hear of the moment he wasn’t going to make a mess.

He gave your forehead a quick kiss before pulling your shirt over your head. He stopped to look at you for a while. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking but you were too scared to look. What if he didnt find you attractive? What if he was disappointed? What if -?

“Hey... Where did you go?” Bakugo looked at you with concern

You shook your head as tears threatened to spill over. “It’s just.... no one... no ones ever cared before. It’s all very overwhelming. I mean I get it.. it’s hard to care for someone as fucked up as I am. I can feel you holding back in attempt to not break me but... but... I’m already broken Bakugo. It’s not your job to put me back together. That’s something I have to do on my own. I can’t be selfish with you. Thats why... that's why this needs to stop. You deserve better.”

His hands immediately dropped from you. He stood there for a moment just looking at you. He looked sad. He looked hurt. He eventually turned and took a seat next to you on the bathroom counter. “Y/n... how the fuck could you ever think that I deserve better than you?” He rubbed his hands through his spikey hair in frustration. “How could you see yourself that way? Broken? Fuck that. You’re so strong. I know you’ve been through some shit. But honestly who hasn’t? I accept you for who you are at face value. Just like you have always accepted me despite my temper, my bad attitude, my ruthlessness. When I met you I was an emotional black hole with a one track mind. I didn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. I just wanted to prove that I was better.

But then there was you. No matter how hard I tried I could never figure you out. You obviously hated your quirk. Always seeing people true thoughts. Always having to see the awful shit people think, sometimes even about you. I know you never stood to close to the perverted grape boy in high school because his thoughts were always disgusting. I know you always felt an obligation to help people who struggling with things on the inside but were too nervous to talk about it. I watched you take care of everyone for years including me. But not once did anyone ever ask if you were okay… I was a dumb teenager back then. I regret never asking. But I’m here now. You’re not broken smalls, but that doesn’t mean that I cant help… I think… I think I might actually love you. And believe me I’m just as shocked as you are. And I understand if that’s not something you want from me. I’m not known to be the love type of guy. But damnit y/n I want to try and prove to you I can be that guy for you. I really do. If I have to spend the rest of my life helping you see yourself the way I do then I will. I don’t care.”

You stood up and took his hand in yours, “I’m going to take a shower. If you plan on joining you should probably take your clothes off.”

His eyes briefly bulged before he schools his reaction and just nodded slowly. He stripped down quickly as you removed your remaining underwear and stepped into the hot shower.

You thought you would be nervous to be naked in front of him. To be so vulnerable. But it just all seemed so natural. Like you were supposed to be here. He stood behind you as you let the hot water wash away your insecurities. He snaked an arm around your waist and pulled you to him giving your shoulder a soft kiss. “I know you’ve had to deal with a lot of douche bags before so I want to do this on your terms. This isn’t about sex for me. I can wait. There’s no pressure or..”

You took his hand that was on your stomach and lifted it until it was on your breast, You felt him stiffen “Are you sure?” You nodded as you turned you head so he could easily reach your lips with his.

You could feel your emotions bubbling up and overflowing and you didn’t know if it was your emotions or his. Or maybe it was both. Maybe this is what it’s supposed to feel like.

His lips moved to your neck as he pushed you against the shower wall and pushed into you from behind. He peppered your back and shoulders with kisses as he grinded into you. One of his hands found yours braced against the wall and squeezed them tight as his other gripped your waist. You could feel yourself melting into him. Giving yourself to him. You hadn’t realized how desperately you needed this until now. How badly you just needed someone to care.

You found yourself moaning his name as he made you feel things you couldn’t even describe. You could feel his devotion to you coming off in waves and you felt so safe, so cared for, so… whole.

Even after you both finished he helped you get cleaned up and against your protest helped you wash your hair. He slapped your hands away when you tried to take the shampoo bottle from him, “Nope I’m doing this. I’ve seen enough chick flics to know girls secretly love this shit.”

You rolled your eyes, “Okay but like it’s not as easy as washing your hair. I have thick, curly hair. You really need to massage it in and rinse it out. Otherwise it’ll be greasy.”

“Yeah, yeah whatever I got this!”

You found yourself laughing at him and his childish antics. You felt lighter than you could ever remember.

After you were wrapped in a towel and lying in bed with him as the tv hummed in the background. His fingers were carding through your still damp hair with your head on his chest.

You sighed deeply and hugged him closer, “I think I’m finally ready to talk about it…”

His hand froze, “Oh yeah? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

You nodded, “Yeah. I think it would help to finally talk about it.” You scooted closer and his hand resumed playing with your hair. “When I was little my mom had this boyfriend. He was a total asshole. He was always thinking really gross stuff. Not just about my mom, but every woman he saw… including me.” You felt Bakugo tense up. “He never touched me. I promise. But just seeing what he thinking… it freaked me out enough to stop looking. I didn’t want to see what he was thinking, or what he wanted to do. There was one day when he came over and he seemed a little angrier than usual. Usually that would be a red flag to take a look and see what was on his mind. But I didn’t. I sat in my room playing with my doll as I listened to him and my mom fight. It got louder and angrier. I could hear my mom yelling at him to leave. But the all the sudden the yelling stopped. I tried to connect with my moms thoughts but I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t aloud to even be in the same room with them when they were fighting but… I just needed to make sure she was okay.”

You could feel yourself begin to shiver with the memory that were constantly trying to forget pushed itself to the front of your brain. “He had strangled her… I sat there trying to get her to wake up for hours. I hadn’t even noticed that he had pushed the refrigerator in front of her bedroom door. I couldn’t get out so I just sat there with her. For two days. Trapped in a small room with no way out, absolutely helpless.”

You buried your face into his chest as his fingers trailed up and down your back. “That’s why I hoard food, and why I hate being alone, and why I really hate feeling trapped.” You looked up at him, “I thought that if maybe I became a hero all of this fear and anxiety would go away. But in the end it ended up being my biggest weakness. I couldn’t take the pressure. I had a meltdown right before graduation and that was all the proof needed that I couldn’t handle being a hero.”

He kissed the top of your head, “I am so sorry that happened to you. No one deserves that and if I could take this pain away I would. But I’m also very proud of you for telling me.” You could tell he was struggling to find the right words to comfort you.

You wanted to reassure him that just his presence was enough, “It’s also why I always like being near you. I never have to use my quirk to know how you feel. You’re the only person I know who always says exactly what’s on their mind. It’s refreshing to not have to guess.”

He gave you cheek a quick peck, “Can I ask what your meltdown was over? I remember you being gone for a few weeks but no one would tell us where you were.”

You shrugged. “I tracked down the guy who killed my mom and beat the shit out of him. I thought I was going to get in trouble so I tried to hide. Aizawa ended up finding me. No one ever knew this but after that he kind of became like a dad to me. He was the one who helped me decide if I really wanted to be a hero or not. He helped me find a new career path and made sure I finished school. I still get breakfast with him every Sunday. I wonder how he’d feel to know about you and I…”

Bakugo surprisingly started to chuckle, “Seriously Aizawa? He did the same thing for me… He and I still work out together. He’s known about how I feel about you for years… Mother fucker never mentioned once that he was so close with you!”

You giggled, “Like I said, he’s a father figure for me. I doubt he’d be so quick to help the hot headed blonde get a date with me. Don’t worry though I’ll give him shit the next time I see him.”

He cupped your face, “Oh I know you will smalls. It’s what you do best.”

**********************************

Tags : @tspice283 @ladysalmon @kagerose 

[guu]

had a moment of weakness watching charles play with the kids where it sunk in my heart that i wouldn’t have this anymore

luckily when i got sad and confided my feelings to him he was enough of a direct asshole about it to make me remember why i’m making the right decision

like he was trying to help, and he landed a direct stab into me when i said i ‘didnt want him to get with some girl and no only hurt her the way he hurt me, but fall in love and lose someone amazing’

and he had the nerve, after all he’s done to me, even extremely recently, to say ‘i already found my someone amazing and messed it up’

shut uuuup i care about u but god dammit. you didn’t ‘mess up’ you tortured me for years! and if i were ‘your someone amazing’ i’d, ya kno, be someone ur attracted to.

i have to keep on my feet and hold my ground every time he makes me pursuing a life as the gender i am as a ‘choice i’m making that’s gonna be harder and he’s always there if i change my mind’ instead of just finally being who i am and it being a good excuse i needed to finally get away

because at one point i settled with the idea i;d be trapped with him forever.

so if i ever think like that, i shouldn’t be here. i am making the right decision and it’s not selfish, and fuck him for ever making me feel like that for a second.

he’s acting like ‘oh yeah u go get ur therapy but me? im fine to start dating. i made my mistakes but i’ve thought about them so i wont make them again’

and told me i need to think about how i fucked up with him so i can learn

as if i already haven’t and uh

y know. i’m the one taking time to work on myself and heal.

he straight up admitted to me he doesn’t care if he hurts who he dates next, so no. he hasn’t learned.

he still wont account for the fact that he CANT account for everything. the variable of other human’s emotions, esp during his lack therof

in short, he’s a cold, selfish bastard whose very good at seeming to be loving

so maybe i’ll be on my own for the first time in my life,

and maybe that wont be as scary as i feel right now

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Day 11 : I Love You - Dabi

“Oh, come on, really?! AGAIN?! It’s the 5th time this week, and it’s only Friday! Why can’t I get a bit of rest? I swear, Mercury is in retrograde or something, ‘cause the stars are shitting on me.” I grumbled in annoyance as the TV showed Dabi getting cornered by some pro-heroes once again.

Sighing, I grab a random coloured short wig and a mask, teleporting to his location, and trying my best not to show my front to the cameras or heroes, I quickly teleport with Dabi back home, panting in exhaustion since it took a lot of strength to pull this off.

I threw away the wig and the mask, trying my best not to look at the idiot next to me, knowing full well how incredibly pissed off I’d get, but obviously, he just has to be a little shit and make light of the situation.

“I had it aaaaaaaall under control, babe. But thanks for caring so much about me. Come on, let’s go and mess around with some petty idiots.” he chuckled lightly, but his voice grated my so much that it made me turn around faster than expected, ready to slap his face.

But I couldn’t.

Before my hand could collide with his face, I was able to stop myself by catching my wrist with my other hand.

“I really pissed you off, didn’t I, toots?” he asked with a smirk on his face, but I had no energy to give in to his jokes. “I’m done with you. Leave me alone. Next time, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop myself from doing something I’d morally regret.” I mumbled, trembling slightly and pushed past him roughly, slamming my bedroom door and locking in, before sliding down and breaking down sobbing. 

The stress and pressure that Med school was pushing on me, combined with the lack of taking care of my health and my boyfriend being an obsolete jerk who has no consideration for my feelings and makes me worry constantly made me easily lose sight of my mental health, and here I am, spiraling and hurting just as bad as during my darkest times.

I’m so done with letting others walk all over me and my feelings...I’ve had enough of this...I just want to be free and be happy.

“Babe, come on, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t realise that I was making you feel bad. I just got  too caught up with the League and other things that I neglected you without realising. Forgive me.” he knocked and said through the wall, but I was far too gone in my mind to hear any of his words...They all sounded the same. “Go away! I don’t want to be around you anymore! I don’t give a fuck about me anyways, so leave me alone! The League this, the League that...But what about me?! When is it my turn to exist in your life without it being me getting you out of the mess you’re putting yourself through?!” I retort in a voice higher than I hoped for, slightly broken here and there. “Look, I know I fucked up, but let’s talk, okay? I have a few things to tell you. I know I hurt you and all that, but I care about you, sweetcheeks, and I didnt want things to turn out this way.” he replied in a calm voice, knowing full well that things weren’t exactly pink around. “Just go away like you always do! You’re so good at that, aren’t you? Come on, make some stupid joke and pretend nothing is wrong, like you always do. Don’t listen to a word I say, you’re so good at that, right? You do it every day.” I hug my knees closer to myself, wanting to disappear. “Kat, come on, I’m sorry. I didn’t realise how bad I hurt you until now, but if you’d just let me explain. I was scared. I admit, I know I fucked up and I hurt you, I know, but...I was scared. I just...” he sighed and started talking in a lower voice, and by the sound of it, he slid down the door too. “I started feeling...Something that wasn’t bad anymore. Something that made me realise that I shouldn’t hate everything around me just because my past was fucked up. I took you for granted and didn’t think much of you at the beginning, so I just stood passive at everything you said or wanted to do that involved me. But for a while now, you started getting under my skin a lot more than I would like to admit and I started feeling something that I’ve never felt before...So I was afraid.” he explained, hitting his head on the door. “Don’t hurt yourself, you idiot. You hurt me enough as it is, don’t do that to yourself too.” I grumbled, biting my lip at my own words, earning a chuckle. “See? Others wouldn’t even care that I did that, but you did. You care about me so much that you sticked around for so long and tried to take care of me and my well-being. And I was a jerk. I did nothing, because I was a coward. You deserve someone so much better than me, Kat. You deserve some good guy who’s not afraid to show off with you and who would give you the world without batting an eyes. Someone who isn’t afraid to admit to themselves that...That...” he began to say, but quieted down for a while. “That...What, Dabi?” I asked softly, managing to calm down a bit. “That...They are in love.” he was able to say after a while, making me gasp in shock. “What...Did you say...?” I somehow choked out, not believing my ears. “I love you, Kat. I was so afraid to admit this, because if I did, it would become real. And if it got real, then that would meant that something changed completely. I know you already said it to me some time ago, and you’ve been saying it ever since. You didn’t have to say it, I already knew you did. Nobody is so sweet with no reason, nor do they behave so carefully with someone else. You are someone who has so much love to give to those around her, and then there’s me, someone who has so much hate that it’s bursting constantly. You are special and too good for me. I was selfish. I loved the attention and affection more than I wanted to admit and I didn’t realise I was draining you until it was too late and I hoped that by staying away it would help you. Guess it only did worse.” he confessed in a sad voice, almost content. “Dabi...” my heart ached at his words, finally true and full of meaning and raw emotion.

I sighed and decided to walk over my non-existent pride and hurt once again and opened the door, crouching down behind him, putting my hands on his shoulders, not letting him look back at me.

“You’ve always let your pride and ego destroy you.” I said nonchalantly, and he only nodded and put one of his hands over mine. “I know. I am full of flaws, I know. I’ve been trying to live that in the past and go my way...But you don’t seem to leave me alone. You’re always in my mind and every time I do something, I think how it would affect you. I want to be able to love you like you deserve, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to give you the world. I want to love you, Kat, with more than just my feelings. I want you to feel that I love you, not just hear it. I don’t want you to hear me complaining all the time, I don’t to support you and heal you. I’ve been selfish, I only cared about my pain, but I did nothing about yours. You’ve been healing me all this time, while I only damaged you. And for that I am sorry.” he apologised again, making me nod, my heart reaching out to him. “Are you willing to change this? Or are you giving up without even trying to become better?” I asked, wanting to hear the truth. “Kat...Come here. I want you to look at me when I say it, so you will know I’m not lying.” he begged, not trying to look back, in case I would get annoyed. “Okay.” I breathed out, and went on my knees between his legs, but had not yet the power to look at his face. “I hurt you so much that you can’t even look at me.” he sighed, leaning towards me and putting one of his hands on my face, while the other stroked a streak of my hair. “I know how much you’ve been hurt in the past, and you don’t deserve everything I put you through. I know you’ve heard so many empty promises before, but will you let me change that? I want to be better, just for you...I want us to be good. We’d be so good together, if only I wouldn’t be such an asshole, but I’m ready to change. Because I love you. I swear I do. So Kat, please, give me one more chance. Let me heal you. Let me help you grow. Let me love you. Let me make you happy. You’re the only person in my life who ever cared about me, and I let you down.” he explained again, making me sigh and raise my gaze to his brilliant blue eyes, just like his cremating fire. “Say it again. Look at me, and promise that you won’t do this again, because I won’t forgive you again. My heart can’t handle it anymore. I don’t want this anymore.” I made him promise, and he leaned forward, capturing my lips in a soft kiss, as if he was afraid I would break, which wasn’t too far from the truth. “I love you, Katrina. I promise I won’t ever make you cry, and if I do, it will be from happiness, for I know you are a very sensitive and sweet girl. I promise you, you won’t have to be afraid that I will hurt you, because I won’t. You won’t have to go through any of that shit again. I want to love you, to show you how much I love you, mentally, emotionally, physically, in any way existent, I just want to erase every bad thing that I’ve done to you and replace it only with happy and good memories. I promise.” he promised once again, making me look away, my cheeks slightly rosy from his desperate display of emotions. “Okay...Okay, I forgive you...Just, keep your promise...And...Uhmm...” I close my eyes for a few seconds longer, slightly more flustered than before, making him chuckle lowly, tilting his head trying to meet my gaze. “What is it, babe?” he asked in his characteristically darker and more seductive voice. “Uhmm...You could...Say it more often, I guess...” I said, barely above a whisper. “Say what more often? That I love you? That I think you’re beautiful? That you’re so godamn smart and cool? That I want to stay with you forever and make you happy in any way possible? What is it, babe, are you getting shy? Do you want to hear more?” by now, I was on his lap, his arms around my waist, him talking in my ear, his hot breath blowing on my neck skin. “Well, what can I say, it’s pretty hot hearing someone giving a damn about me. So yeah, say it more, I’m enjoying myself.” I smirk, resting my arms on his shoulders, earning another low chuckle as he looked at me with such a look that it made the hair on my neck rise. “Well, kitten, you’re about to hear a hell of a lot of compliments for me, so be prepared, ‘cause my kitten is the best girl in the world and I won’t let anything upset her again, ever.” he nudged my face with his nose like a cat would, then kissed my neck gently, holding me even closer to him. “That’s what I like to hear, babe.” I giggled softly as I cupped his face and kissed him deeply, forgetting about everything that happened today and letting my heart take over and achieve its happiness.

[etherealskeletons]

i was cleaning up my email and deleting some of my old cringe ass accounts from when i was a kid [like my old deviantart & crunchyroll] today and ohf child me was such a weaboo ass cringefest

i also found old emails and roleplays i had with R. they were terrible, but what do you expect from a couple of fuckin weebs. it made me feel kinda nostalgic at first, but then i was filled with dread and i have this sick feeling in my body i hate it

i know i shouldnt have read any of them bc i KNOW they woulda made me sad, but i guess im a glutton for punishment! everything about it just made me sad bc fuck dude we were jus dumb kids and then we turned into teens and thats when things started to get really fucking heavy and reading it all just made me remember everything we went through and now im jus sitting here like :/

sometimes i wonder what my life woulda been like if we stayed together, or at the very least stayed friends. on my really bad days where i feel like im trapped and i feel like my life has no meaning or direction, i think sticking myself to her side woulda been great! because i remember all the promises she made me. but everytime i slip in that mindset i have to take a step back and remind myself that it wouldve been really really bad;

it wouldve been filled with empty promises and i wouldve been absolutely isolated since she didnt like me having any friends that she didnt approve of, and she didnt approve of me being friends with anyone because she hated anyone liking me - if anyone said i love you to me, even in a friendly manner, i guess that meant i was fuckin them and id be banned from seeing them. any friends id make would instantly go away because shed literally threaten them with a hatchet and told them if they spoke to me shed cut them. jesus christ even family members couldnt say i love you to me without her accusing me of fucking them

anything i was excited about was stupid and meaningless, short haircuts made me look obese and disgusting so i had to have long hair and be ultra feminine because its what she likes and i didnt wanna be seen as disgusting or fat because of my ED and body dysmorphia and also because i wanted to please her, if my attention wasnt always on her she would get pissed and extremely needy/clingy, she would touch me inappropriately in front of others even if i said no shed just do it anyway because i guess i made her horny and i dont have rights. god she even cheated on me multiple times with a guy who i guess was just like me but he had a dick and wouldnt stop talking to me about how great he is and how hes basically my replacement when im not around and how i shouldnt get pissed off about it bc he REALLY IS just me with a dick!! i guess i shouldve been honored, or smth, idk. shed have her friends harass me on multiple platforms [cellphone, email, etc.] if i was mad at her to stop being mad at her bc were soooo good together and im being a selfish fucking asshole for not liking getting cheated on or for not wanting to get molested in front of her friends

even when we tried being friends she would still act like this. she was extremely possessive and would try to get in the middle of every relationship i would try to have with other people because she couldnt, or wouldnt, get out of this mindset of i belong to her and her only.

i have to keep reminding myself that she never really cared about me. our entire relationship was abuse. it was shitty, it was bad, and i shouldnt be thinking “but what if it wasnt as bad as i remember” or “what if it didnt turn out like i thought” because it was that bad and it wouldve continued being that bad, maybe it wouldve gotten worse if i stayed

[darlingfreddie]

☕️ bohemian rhapsody (the movie)

☕- oh god where do i begin with this awful movie hnbvghj

Bo Rhap really had the potential to be a great movie that really told Queen’s story but it was literally the opposite,, 

I think that bo rhap is just so poorly written and oh my god!! its homophobic as heck!!! how is it homophobic you might ask?? WELL

it literally had Freddie mercury, a GAY (yes i said it, G A Y) man pinning after a woman the ENTIRE movie literally up until the fuckin end. The way it overplayed and exaggerated Freddie and Mary’s relationship is unforgivable, they deadass had Freddie propose to mary in a heartfelt way as if he meant it when hi yes HELLO in reality, there are conflicting accounts about this ‘proposal’ which from my understanding wasnt even that serious and done by freddie out of feeling pressured to do so. BUT NO!!! of course bo rhap has to go make it seem like he did this because he loved her romantically. 

And just in general, the way they had freddie comment about how beautiful she was and how good in bed she was was so FUCKING WEIRD because he was in fact a gay man who was just in that relationship because of internalized homophobia and the pressure to be heterosexual and get a girlfriend. 

Also. yall. 

THE FUCKING COMING OUT SCENE WAS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING IVE EVER SEEN

the AUDACITY of bo rhap to make freddie seem like the bad guy because he was gay. The nerve of them to make Freddie’s coming out all about Mary and to try to make the audience feel bad for her after she really told him ‘your life is going to be hard because you’re gay’ just talking about this scene makes me so mad!!! 

throughout the whole movie, its this tired theme of mary being the love of freddies life who has to save him and be the only true friend to him, i fucking hate it because NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!!

MOVING ON,,,,,

the way that they portrayed the bands dynamic was awful,, from watching the movie alone you would never be able to tell the band was as close as they were in real life. and if you didnt know the band members names already, they would not be memorable at all. they mentioned johns name like twice throughout the whole movie. For a movie that was marketed as Queen and Freddies story this movie didnt show EITHER of those things. 

AND THE FACT THAT THIS MOVIE HAD THE NERVE,, THE AUDACITY TO MAKE JIM THE ‘HELP’ AT THIS MOVIE IS UNBELIEVABLE.

i know not everything in a biopic has to be factual but Gotdamn NOTHING IN THIS MOVIE IS FACTUAL especially how jim and freddie met, jim was introduced as part of the cleaning crew and was assaulted by freddie the moment we saw him like ???????? jim said he hated being seen as just ‘the help’ and this movie literally made people believe that this is how they met and this is the way it really was. I will never understand why they didnt have them meet in a gay club.

OH WAIT I REMEMBER,, GAY CLUBS ACCORDING TO BO RHAP ARE SINFUL PLACES YE A

the scene where Freddie is at a gay club is literally, dark and colored red to demonize the gay community and the gay scene at the time and the fact that they had ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST playing as they showed gay men in a time where the AIDS crisis was killing innocent people is DISGUSTING and i will never shut up about this. you might say, “they didnt mean to make it seem like that!” YES THEY FUCKING DID. Every song in bo rhap had a specific purpose and a specific reason for being shown so i know DAMN WELL they did that shit intentionally. 

LASTLY,,,,,,,

this movie literally went above and beyond to portray freddie as the biggest arrogant asshole the world has ever seen and that PISSES ME OFF!! like yes, freddie wasnt perfect and of course he could have his dick ish moments but he was good person and he was caring and kind and funny and sweet. This movie makes him out to be some sort of selfish asshole who only cares about himself and nobody else (except for mary of course). They do this on purpose, the whole scene where he dramatically breaks up the band to make his own music when hi yes hello HE WASNT THE FIRST MEMBER OF QUEEN TO HAVE A SOLO ALBUM !!! this was all done for the Dramatics and by doing so they made Freddie purposefully look like a real douche bag. 

BOTTOM LINE!!!!!!!!

I fucking hate Bo Rhap, honestly, i was so excited to see it like anyone who’s been on my blog long knows i literally pre ordered my theater tickets the moment they went on sale like i was sooooo looking forward to seeing a movie about queen. But tbh bo rhap is such a disappointment and does such a disservice to queen and especially to freddie. They portrayed him as something he was not, a selfish prick who was (unfortunately) gay and magically only romantically attracted to one woman aka the love of his life and the only one he could trust lmao bo rhap is just bad thanks for coming to my TED talk

[mags-love4ever]

Karen 3.10

I wanna talk how I dont for a second really blame Karen about Kevin´s death. And I get WHY she blames herself and it makes sense to the character and the show storyline but for me, she needs to forgive herself and I TRULY HOPE MATT (and Foggy) will help on that!

* So, Karen is 19 years old and Kevin was 16... in the dinner scene she mentions “This place has been going down for YEARS” , that makes me think that her mother had been dead for 2 years or so... meaning that she was 16, or 17 then and Kevin was like 14,,, I can see a 16 years old girl so HURT AND ANGRY because her mother was gone but instead of having the HELP AND SUPPORT from her father... He could just NOT SEE his children´s needs, he could only see his pain and his suffering, he was that selfish.

So KAREN had to be the mom, she had to take care of her little brother AND HER FATHER with mom gone... a teenager, with emotional problems of her own but she didnt have time or NO ONE to take care of those.

“Mom used to do everything around here...NOW I HAVE TO...”

She had to take care of EVERYTHING... again, we are talking about a girl from 16/17 to 19 years old..! - and you can see in the episode that her father puts ALOT of pressure on her, and HOW the job is done. He is not just ok with her doing, it had to be done perfectly or like HE wanted it,

She had to give up on HER DREAMS, on what SHE WANTED for her life and future! 

She would GIVE HERSELF UP for her family, or what it was left of it...

She couldnt just LEAVE THEM... she wouldnt.

Also I believe because her brother was young and if she left, would her father man up and take care of him? or would he do to Kevin what HE DID TO KAREN when she was 16? - She was too nice, too affraid to leave as a question, she would not leave her baby brother with her selfish father.

 A FATHER that not only couldnt see her pain, her struggles or her brothers OR HIS FREAKING WIFE´s true dreams and wishes, he could not freaking see ANYONE BUT HIMSELF? Talk to me about being blind... BUT he was actually was incredible rude and INSENSITIVE towards Karen... sexist if I have to say... she was a girl, so SHE DIDNT HAVE A SAY even if SHE TOOK CARE OF THE WHOLE PLACE..!!!

And this part of the scene MAKES ME SO ANGRY,,,

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS PIECE OF SH*T!!!???? - He not only ignores his daughters wishes, overworkers and makes her responsable of taking care of her little brother AND THE WHOLE PLACE... He buys shit they cant afford and PRETENDS FOR HER TO FIX IT... its also HER JOB to fix his FREAKING POOR DECISIONS!!! 

You can totally see the anger, the frustration in all over her face...she wants to scream, she wants to run for her life but she cant. she wont.

She was  A KID, being mistreated, being ABUSED by her father... she didnt want that for her life, she wanted to leave, she hated that small town but she couldnt , SHE WAS TRAPPED THERE. so whats the most common way of teenager to act out? Yeah, seeing bad boys and doing drugs... can you blame her? I feel soffocated just thinking about her situation!

- The ACCIDENT...

She finally stood up for herself, she spoke her truth, her mothers truth  and her sweet little brother did something as STUPID as burning  your sister´s drug dealer boyfriend´s trailer and STAY THERE FOR HIM TO FIND YOU...

She even shots her boyfriend TO SAVE her brother Kevin! - She was scared and nervous and SHE NEEDED TO GET  OUT OF THERE... Yeah, not being sober, CLEARLY didn help but what OPTIONS did she really had? - Would have she acted DIFFERENT if she WAS SOBER?

This is heartbreaking, poor Kevin... but She Would NOT JUST LEAVE... She was not about to do it. She was going to FIX IT. She always does. 

and SHE DOES NOT ABANDON THE PEOPLE SHE LOVES (MATT)

 In my eyes, EVERYTHING that happened was just circumtastial ...  Her dad was an IDIOT, his actions, his abuse behavior towards her made her take poor decisions as taking drugs, her sweet brother as an INTENT to protect her / saver her made a stupid MISTAKE too, her dick boyfriend was to freaking KILL her brother... all of that, was not on her! - Taking drugs that night, driving the care... yeah, maybe but...

what Kevin said “Ive already lost mom” ,,,bringing up their dead mom to this whole mess... she CLEARLY was not over her death, neither was Kevin (they clearly didnt have HELP on dealing with it, thanks to their father!). So bringing her up, saying that , it really was a stab in Karen´s heart... it was split of second, it was ONE FUCKING SECOND and it all went down.

My big question is... was it really her fault? and even, was it really about the drugs? 

I feel that could have happened WITHOUT the drugs being involve perfectly. 

Its not like she was drugged and went straight to a tree or another car or something... He said SOMETHING PAINFUL, and she got distracted, one second with her eyes out of the road and that was it. 

I fee that could have happened to a SOBER person. 

Maybe just me, but I dont really blame her AT ALL ... And I understand why she feels guilty, because she didnt leave because of guilt but when she says “I killed him” or even putting it next to killing Wesley sounds a bit much to me.

This annoys the hell out of me too...

Her asshole of father, BLAMES HER and even bring up her mother, trying to make her feel EVEN WORSE... 

And no, let me tell ya... if her mother was alive, Karen wouldnt have gotten into drugs in the first place, and Kevin wouldnt have try to PROTECT HER... so yeah, if they had a REAL GOOD PARENT, none of that would have happened!

If her father could take his head out of his ass and instead of seeing HIS NEEDS AND HIS PAIN only but actually comfort his kids and be a good guide and support system to them, Kevin would be alive and they would still be a family. -

If Kevin didnt die, Karen would probably still be in that damn town or dead herself.

So in that moment he kicks her ,,, He was still angry, needed time to process everything... 

But NO, even 14 YEARS LATER... 14 LONG YEARS, he still does not take one piece of responsability for what happened... he STILL blames it all on her!

 and only that, he doesnt give a shit if she almost died, or if she is still in danger,  BUT HE ACTUALLY MAKES SURE to make her feel guilty, small and bad...

“Its what you do, Karen”

Oh boy, I wanna punch him!

and Then people say she was reckless in going to see FISK, SHE COULDNT CARE ABOUT HER LIFE! - She lost Matt, her job, Ellison, she felt guilty about the bulletin shoot and her FATHER MADE SURE she believe it was all her fault, Because thats she does... she is a “bad person” that only brings misery to this world... would she let Fisk kill more innocent people or get to Matt or Foggy..? NO. of course NOT, even if she had to die trying.

Anyways, I HATE HER FATHER... Didnt you notice?

Im just happy she has MATT and Foggy in her life. They love her and care for her and know who SHE REALLY IS!!

 THEY are her family, her home... her future husband and their best friend. WE LOVE A TRIO ! 

[everydayanth]

The Liam Neeson Thing...

Okay guys, this is gonna get complex and personal right quick. But it’s been bothering me and I’m working on posting more without thinking about it for two weeks until nobody cares anymore.

So here goes.

Context matters. Context is important and it can be complicated, but it freakin’ matters. 

In my opinion, Liam Neeson’s flaw was that he thought a rapist would be the kind of person to also attack him. 

Here’s the thing guys, if you’ve never heard someone you love confess to you that they have been irrevocably hurt by a person, you need to take a step back for a minute. 

That moment, talking about it, it’s extremely vulnerable, so this is a bit hard for me, but in a moment of chaos and torment, a person you love and care deeply for is breaking apart in front of you and there isn’t a damned thing you can do about it. There’s not a damn thing you can do but hold them and cry with them and hurt for them and try to help and figure out the right thing to say. 

And when they’re tucked safe in bed and you’re researching what you can do for them or laying awake thinking about what you could possibly say, the amount of guilt and hurt and anger hits you in the chest, it fills you so wholly that you just need to find a way to let it out. It’s a dangerous rage, it’s immature and unhealthy and so so so painful. 

We don’t talk about emotions in America. We just don’t. So of course we want to put this emotion into a context we discuss, and idea we understand. 

But it’s not an -ism, it’s an emotion. 

If you don’t think when my sister told me about our cousin assaulting her that I didn’t wander around my ghetto ass neighborhood waiting for some big white guy to try to hurt me, well, you’d be wrong. Our brain makes patterns, my cousin didn’t live in our city, but I knew he was a big white guy with a shitty pencil beard, my brain classified that as a pattern. Every time I talked to a big white guy, I had to check myself, yeah. But when my brain registered a human who looked like my cousin, my heart rate ran up and I would will them to attack me. I wanted to fight because I didn’t know what else to do with all that pain, all that helpless emotion. But I could wander around places where someone was bound to get hurt anyway and invite the fight to me. 

Neeson was wandering around areas inviting a fight. INVITING, not instigating. It is a common reaction of revenge and feeling hurt, and we’re shoving this idea into something familiar - outrage, racism, etc., anything so we don’t have to actually talk about emotions. 

He was looking for a “black bastard,” poor choice of words, I agree, but he was hoping that guy, the one who hurt his friend, would challenge him, and it would just happen to be the same guy and he could get his anger out. It’s not healthy, but if they man who hurt his friend had been white and he’d wandered around lower class white neighborhoods inviting a fight, would it have been racism? 

This had an opportunity to be a conversation about what the fuck you do around a friend who confesses they were raped and hurt to you. After all the #MeToo (or in the midst of it), how do you be a friend to your loved ones who feel ready to confess to you? What do you do to manage that amount of disgust you feel at the world, that rage and hate and hurt and horror that there’s not a single damn thing you can do? 

This could have been a conversation about grief and friendship and growth and complex emotions. But we made it about the race of a rapist instead. 

That’s how much we don’t want to talk about feelings. 

We would focus on a man talking for the first time about the anger of helplessness in the face of a friend’s pain and come out in outrage. 

Here’s the reality guys, racism is forming a series of patterns based on skin color that aren’t true. They can be based off stereotypes or influenced by false representation in sensational news. Racism is NOT fighting your brain’s reality in order to form a more balanced understanding of the world. I was assaulted by a bunch of black kids at a playground when I was 14, it was terrifying and it’s a long and complex story but the short of it is very simple: I lived in a black neighborhood and this was not my only experience with black kids. I went to school with middle class black kids and I hung out with other black kids, this was NOT my only experience, and therefore, my brain was capable of nixing the pattern before it was created. Black kids weren’t dangerous, those kids were just assholes. 

Racism is if Neeson went to those places and started fights. I can’t know whether he did or not, but it’s if he went around and accused every black man of being a rapist, in his head or otherwise. I didn’t have a lot of experience with big white guys, so it took me much longer not to feel nervous around them than it did to write off my brain’s pattern about the black kids. Emotions and how our brains work are important details for us to know, and it’s the real reason diversity matters, it keeps our patterns in context. Neeson coming out of the situation horrified at himself shows growth of emotion, the dismissal of the pattern, recognizing that it is false without acting on it, understanding the power of agency is an illusion because he would never find that particular man. 

Comparing this to the policing issues isn’t the same, because of their place in society, their home culture society, and the results of their opinions. A police officer has a responsibility to the public to understand their emotions and their racial biases, an actor is responsible for displaying emotion. We can’t hold these people to the same accountability, that would be ridiculous, for a police officer, emotions need to be stable and understood and should involve a LOT more psychology training. For an actor... they entertain us with their emotions. They need to be self aware and reflective in order to project our experiences in stories. We still expect race car drivers to follow the speed limits and we understand that doctors have to call in sick sometimes, the world isn’t fair and occupation doesn’t dismiss personal biases or professional demeanor, but context matters. A doctor calling in sick after handling small pox in a lab requires observation and questions, an actor talking about rage and looking for a fight when he was younger and confessing horror at that version of himself while promoting a film about revenge kind of seems like part of the job, of doing the job well.  

And it’s not racist because it was not instigated by the color of skin as perceived by an individual to be less or more - he was inviting a fight with a black man on the word of his friend. That was wrong, and so was me doing it with large white men (also because I am not that large of a white woman, so that wasn’t going to end well for me), but he even said in a follow up interview that they could have killed him. The interviewer says she thinks of the innocent black man that could have been killed and Neeson responds “Or he could have killed me.” BUT HE WASN’T INSTIGATING FIGHTS, he was INVITING them! He wasn’t looking for an innocent man, he was waiting for someone to try to hurt him so he could release the extreme emotions. These are different. These are SO different. 

This conversation can go back to what it could have been. Race of the rapist aside, what do you do when a person you love confides in you that they have been hurt and scared and they are breaking apart in front of you? How do you process your emotions and heartbreak? What can you do or say? How can you feel like you’re helping? Is that selfish? Why do we need to feel like we’re helping? How do you manage your own trauma so you don’t loop theirs in with yours? How do you self reflect so that you stop your brain forming false patterns when you’re filled with so much hurt and pain? How do you not become a villain of the world, hating everyone for always telling you you are helpless? How do you find control in yourself when you’re imploding and be responsible and mature with emotions? How do you talk about it in a society that wants to be angry? How do you not hate them for focusing on your reaction to a rapist rather than being angry with an individual for being an asshole and RAPING your friend?

How do we return to a conversation about emotions and how, unchecked, they can lead to pain and anger and rage, and eventually, if we don’t have a moment of clarity and rationality, if we are not balanced in the world, they can become biases that develop into ignorance and racism? How do we focus on context so that we don’t become arrogant and disconnected, classists by nature because we interact with such a small and similar world? How do we connect and talk about the human experience when society turns away from us in favor of what is familiar? How do we have a logical discussion about emotion when we can’t even talk about meaning and intent? How do we accuse someone of racism when, had the rapist been white, the conversation might have focused on the context of emotion and pain and hurt and the process of healing - it was the outraged audience that pointed at the race as important, as the meaningful factor, how do we look at that hypocrisy and not feel utterly defeated?

How do we scream at the world that we need help, we all need help, without crucifying ourselves? I have no idea, this post is terrifying and I have no idea what to expect. Maybe nothing would be good? To return to not a single note or like or comment, to be unheard and dismissed and navigated around might be good because I want to talk about this reality but it. Is. Terrifying. 

And maybe it’s all a projection. Maybe I’m the racist and I want to defend someone I relate to. But it feels more right that we as a society don’t talk about emotions, we lock them up like these secret things we’re terrified other people will discover. I’m working on vulnerability lately, and what better place to talk about all the shit that’s ever happened to me than the freakin’ internet! I’m just a person and from my experiences, I think I understand what Neeson meant. But that could equally be a self-aggrandizing reality that doesn’t exist. Perhaps he’s just a racist, a professional actor with a successful career who took this exact moment to reveal his true colors, what a sneaky man! 

But more probably, the logic says, he’s a professional actor with a successful career who took this moment to discuss the emotions he’s had to reflect on and relive for the past year or so in order to play a role in a film that he hopes will entertain and reflect something of the human experience. He more probably took the moment to discuss a human experience and we did not listen because it’s more popular not to listen or because we could not relate or because we just want to be angry and sometimes pulling weeds is so exhausting we raze the whole garden instead. We did not talk about the moment he was horrified with himself because we don’t want to talk about growth or greys, we want the world to stabilize so we can see the bad guys clearly. 

We really ought to know by now that there are no clear bad guys. 

And we know Neeson likes to play in those lines. What is good? What is bad? They aren’t a duality, they are a false dichotomy, created by whatever world you grew up in, whatever experiences you had, whatever your society or culture told you, whatever education you discovered, and whatever philosophy you’ve come to believe. But in a moment of vulnerable confession, in all that grey reality, your friend tells you about a bad guy and they become singularly bad. They don’t exist beyond that. And that’s what is horrifying. That you stop seeing humanity as grey and suddenly it becomes good or bad, that’s the scary part about revenge and inviting fights, it encourages a black-and-white view of the world that says the rapist is ONLY bad and your friend is ONLY good. 

A bit ironic that, in trying to talk about that tunnel-vision-rage, Neeson found himself the target of it.

It’s raw, that anger. It’s part of all the hurt that has happened to you and then you couldn’t even protect your friend or family. Why did you go through all that pain if you couldn’t grow enough to save them? That guilt is a liar, you didn’t hurt them, the asshole did, and you need that to be true or else you were also the cause of all your own pain as well. So you look for the assholes because then at least you could be useful, you could protect them from one asshole by taking the hit. We need to talk about that kind of hurt, about sacrificing the self for revenge because you can’t find worth anymore. We need to talk about existential nihilism that hides inside outrage because you can’t find meaning anymore. We need to talk about emotions and how to talk about them so we can be better friends, better people, so when we look for guidance on talking to friends about their hurt, we find advice on how to not be overwhelmed by rage and guilt and disgust and anger and violence. 

That’s the conversation we could have had. That’s the world we could have started to create. But outrage culture is racist and racism gets attention and we all just want to be heard because we don’t know how to talk about our emotions. Interesting how it keeps going around like that. 

[imjustyouraveragenoone]

why u sucked

since my mind keeps replaying all the reasons u were perfect, here are the reasons u were fucking far from it.

1. ur ex drama. u dumped me for ur ex, then u realized that she was not right for u so u hit me up again. u got jealous that ur best friend was hitting me up and made sure to put an end to that really fast by making moves on me while u were still w ur ex. then u talked to me for a good period to follow thru on ur own ego problems and then proceeded to hook up w ur ex. who the actual fuck does this. stick to ONE u absolute manwhore. if u were so in love with ur ex why would u flirt with me while u guys were together, if u were so in love with me why would u hook up with her while we were talking. u literally just dont care about anyone but ur motherfucking self and it took me way too long to realize it, it took me my literal parents having to split us up for me to see the damage u did. 

2. u never made any effort to come see me. everything was on ur schedule, if u didnt want to hang out with me, u would go off. if u were horny, u would stay on. no explanations needed. if u felt like opening up, u would. otherwise, just pictures of ur eyebrow. i was constantly the one running around in circles trying to make this work. i decided to come see u in the morning, i would be the one who would come stand by ur friends at the end of the day, u never would fucking ask me to. unless, of course, it was whether u could come over to fuck. then, you would ask without any hesitation and beg and plead and do everything in ur power to make it work. don’t think i ever saw that effort in any other aspect of our relationship, hmmmmmm. no sentimental gifts or cute texts. u literally did the bare minimum and for some fucking reason i idealized u for it. mostly because i thought that most girls wouldnt even be lucky enough to get the bare minimum from u, and im prolly right. like u fucked me up SO BAD that one day u were telling me abt some girl u ghosted and my fUCKED UP MIND ACTUALLY WENT “WOW I MUST BE SPECIAL SINCE HE NEVER GHOSTED ME. MUST MEAN THAT HE ACTUALLY LOVES ME.” TF??????????????????????? mental issues. 

3. u literally sent me essays about not trusting me and all this shit that made me think that u were breaking up with me the DAY of my sat and then claimed u forgot i had to take it that day. i woke up in such a panic thinking that u were trying to dump me the day of the most important test of my literal life. why the fuck would anyone do that. why. i knew every date of ur physics tests, i knew what was going on in ur life, even finding out things from ur sister because i wanted to know. u just didnt even care at all. like ik u prolly actually did forget but if i was even important to u u would not of ever forgot in the first place. 

4. the constant dumping. dude, if ur just gonna constantly pull that shit for u to fulfill some insecurity in ur head and make u feel like u have the power in the relationship, u need help. im sorry that all ur exes were downright obsessed with u and u never had to wonder if u were the one who cared less in the relationship, but just because i didnt do that doesnt mean that u can just keep tryna dump me to affirm ur power struggles. 

5. blaming ur own shortcomings on ur broken past. i dont doubt it, but letting ur past define u is not taking u anywhere and ur just gonna end up stuck in ur own cycle of not dealing with ur problems.

6. the literal lack of any kind of ambition, drive and hard work ethic. u work hard to appear cool, to get girls, to get drugs, to do all this unnecessary shit, why u cant put that effort into simple homework assignments so ur not FAILING a class, i will never know. 

7. u had every right to get mad at me for being friends with ishan or whatever but i dont fucking think i have ever called u out for being best friends with every single ex u have ever had in fact i trust u so much i dont care that u spend literally 90% of ur time with at least one girl that u have had history with whether its roopa, khushi, and many more that i havent heard abt yet.

8. u hooked up w roopa. bruh. thats just disgusting and u know it. 

9. u always came for ME about hearing things from other ppl abt what i was up to. UM. UM??????? do u KNOW the shit i heard about u but didnt even confront u because i trusted u THAT much. lmaoooooo looking back u were a fucking clown for even bringing up that argument. sure, i was far from perfect and i made some questionable choices, but bruh so did YOU. 

10. u rlly tried to hit it without a condom. are u fucking retarded. imagine if i got pregnant. forget my parents literally kicking me out. imagine the atrocity of my kids having YOU as a father. nightmare shit..

11. u were so fucking emotionally distant that i literally took every small BARE MINIMUM nice thing u did and fucking RAN with it. looking back its so clear that u rlly didnt do anything special, u didnt say anything special, u did not do anything to prove u loved me. all u were good at was empty words to string me on because we both know that saying shit takes no effort and ur all about that no effort lifestyle. like now that im thinking about it..... what have u done for me? what have u done? said i love you, texted me a shit ton when u were horny, said a bunch of future shit and made me laugh. wow u fulfilled the basic requirements of a relationship, and since u have a nice little reputation for being an asshole, i took that as a WOW HE MUST RLLY LOVE ME. thats actually so sad that i lowered my standards THAT much just so that i could be with u.

12. u made me cry and feel so low for so much of the relationship and i rlly dont understand why i thought we were so perfect. the lows we had were downright unacceptable and u never were able to truly put ur pride aside to tell me how u felt about me besides when we were fighting or u felt like u were losing me and thats how i know that the love we had mightve been genuine or whatever, but its not the love i deserve. 

7 months wasted, lowkey grateful my parents pulled me outta that shit bc i never would have had the mental strength to do it and we prolly woudlve ended up breaking up in like a few months bc u hooked up w some unc charlotte hoe or something. yikes. what u have been up to post-relationship is neither my business nor something i have a right to be upset about so im not gonna go off on u for that because i rlly dont have the mental space to care abt what ur up to now. 

my next lover better be someone who isnt fucking scared to show that they care about me, someone that respects me, someone that isnt selfish and obsessed with using girls to fill their own shortcomings. love shouldnt be a constant power struggle and i should never have to wonder whats going on in ur life. ur supposed to KNOW what ur boyfriend is up to. its part of a relationship. so fuck u for making me drop my standards to such comical levels.