#fun stories

[mytearsrricochet]

happy Valentine’s Day today marks one year since I’ve had sex at all because the guy I was porkin at the time suddenly told me he’s pro-life because murder “but if I get you pregnant then I’ll pay for the abortion because that’s just different” and I realized I couldn’t keep doin that for the rest of my life and now my hymen has probably grown back

[balkanradfem]

So I've been making a lot of chestnut deliveries this year, and I ended up having some fun, and some less than pleasant experiences. I'll start with a fun one.

I was to deliver chestnuts to this woman's flat directly; we organized over a phone call, and I was there at the designated time, 3pm. I stopped my bike in front of her building, and called her number. She didn't respond. I looked around for a bit, called again, then waited for 10 minutes, called again, nothing. I was a bit annoyed, so I called the plant lady, who had delivered chestnuts to this particular woman before, and had a facebook conversation with her. I told the plant lady my situation, and asked her for the last name of the woman, so I could press the button on her intercom, and ring her apartment directly. The plant lady found it in record time (20 seconds) and there I was, pressing the button on the building, about to have a fun experience.

'What?' The woman responded almost immediately.

'Hi, I've brought you chestnuts, and I've been calling your phone, but you didn't reply.' I explained my business.

'Oh! And where are you now?'

'… I'm in front of the building.'

'Oh I'll be there in 5 minutes!'

'Okay, I'll wait 5 more minutes for you.'

She ran out of the building in 2 minutes, wearing a trench coat, explaining erratically:

'I fell asleep! I don't know how it could have happened! My phone was away! I'm sorry!'

'Oh! Did I wake you up?'

'YES!!!'

I then realized that she must have been shaken out of her sleep so abruptly, she forgot that we were talking over the intercom, and not the phone, so she genuinely couldn't figure out where I was! I went home laughing to myself about it, the sheer amusement of it all completely made up for the wait.

That was the funniest delivery I had, now, there's been a few of them that unfortunately, I had to deliver to males, and most of them went just fine, with 3 second interaction and goods exchange, and a relieved 'goodbye'. However, some of them were… not as great. I've noticed, with great displeasure, that some of those m*n figured out since I'm a woman, they could ogle me, and I did not appreciate that at all. Few of them stared at me and started saying unrelated things and I could not wait to get away from their gaze, I know what their ogling means! "You're not too ugly to be manipulated into being my house servant/bed toy/replacement mommy". And the reasons why I'm suddenly not too ugly is because my poverty has made me thin and weak looking, that alone is what elevates me to the status of 'worthy of ogling' in their eyes. I detest it. I'm hyper aware that any other version of me, more heavy, more aged, or even older-looking, would immediately put me into the box of 'irredeemable ugly creature' and I wish to stay in that box for them, thank you. They're all in my 'predator' box anyway. They don't even consider that maybe I'm a lesbian, completely disinterested in being stared at by males.

Where are all of the lesbians ogling me, who would be happy with my heavier, older and grumpier version? I would not mind that.

Okay so the absolute worst customer was a repeat one, and I've decided, to not deliver chestnuts to that particular guy again. First time delivering to him I went with a friend, and it was done within a minute, in broad daylight, in a store parking lot. I asked if he was there for chestnuts, he said yes, and immediately launched into 'Why didn't you tell me where you are, you shouldn't have carried all these, I would have come to you!' and I disliked this greatly, but I just said 'It's fine, it's safer that way.', exchanged the goods, and ran to my friend.

The second time he ordered (and it's heavier orders from him, always), he told me he was arriving by train, and I was to bring it to the train station. Late evening. I felt uncomfortable, but I figured, since I already delivered to him once and got away fine, this should go okay too. And if he asks me where I live again, I'm going to call it out and tell him off.

He did, in fact, ask me where I live again. This time more aggressively. I had my reply prepared: 'Sir, you cannot expect a woman to give her home address to a stranger.' and it did not make him give up. He was insisting that I'm barely able to carry 5kg on my own (I was with a bike), then he said I'm looking like I'm struggling pushing the bike (I was standing still). Then he started saying how he knows where the plant lady lives, and he works with her husband, and asked me if I'm something to them, to which I replied it didn't matter, because he's a stranger to me. Then, he said 'Let me tell you something about myself', and I knew, he was about to start a fucking speech, a monologue, on this empty parking lot in front of a train station, at night, while I'm feeling increasingly pissed and wary. I said 'I have to go.' and it did absolutely nothing to deter him.

'I'm no liar, I'm telling you the truth' he said, suspiciously, and I'm already thinking that a truth-teller never has to convince a stranger that he's telling the truth. Then he launched into a story about how he does fruit tree grafting for a living, and that he is begging me to bring him a single branch of the chestnut tree, or bring him with me to the forest so he can see the trees. I start explaining how old and tall these trees are, and they're all mixed, the big chestnuts fall together with the small, and I cannot in all certainty know if I've brought a correct branch to him. I forgot for a second how inappropriate and insane this request was, I'm not running a service of bringing people branches for grafting! I ended up saying 'I don't know I'll ask the plant lady.' and I escaped out of there there, upset.

I've talked to the plant lady about this later, and she had no clue who this m*n even was, she suspected her husband knew him, and he knew her address this way. She told him that it was okay to redirect the guy to her, if he ever bothered me again, and then she would ditch him away from our chestnut business. So thankfully, that was the last time I saw him. He was insanely creepy, looked like he was in his 50s, and I look like I'm in my 20s so it was extra awful. (I'm 32, my face just refuses to cooperate and get wrinkled as it should, so I get zero respect from the world for my wisdom and grace.)

[alchemistdetective]

What has been your biggest sacrifice?

Having to say goodbye to Lilian for a really, really long time while she's out on a personal mission. She still misses her to this day, and is trying to do her best to manage herself.

Leaving Estoria temporarily and setting into a whole, new Fantasy world by herself. She does crave adventure and wants to be just like the heroes in her world, and saying goodbye to her friends back at home... for now, perhaps.

Having to choose between a bunch of innocents whom sheltered her and her unit back when she was part of her unit in Hell. Having to choose between the girl whom kept her company when she was critically injured after trying to flee from an eldritch abobination.

Guess what she chose.

Leaving Gensokyo and Former Hell, the place he grew up in along with all his friends and memories to become a true, developed kitsune... which is still currently ongoing. Even he's not sure if he's... quite at that level, and being insecure about it.

Also, saying goodbye to his mother figures, Harune, Hakune, Mayune, even if involuntarily.

... He did make a few other hard choices, but those two are his biggest. Maybe he'll tell a few stories over drinks. Maybe.

✨His personal life.✨

[certainglitterhologram]

if you ever feel overdramatic, just remember that when I was nine years old, I was told I got a 92 on a math test, cried for ten seconds, then hit my head on my bathroom counter and passed out.

[crymeariveronceagain]

Who was your first fictional crush

Mine was Conner from tlos

(I was like so little when i read that series don't judge)

Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third from the HTTYD books

i crushed so hard and i may or may not have written self-insert fanfic idk

like sad lil latin speaking dragon nerd with red hair and a heroic nature? like just kill me now??

[qiinamii]

we'll do fine.

[aleatoryw]

getting blazed as fuck in public, thinking "boy I sure hope no one knows how high I am right now", and then having the jumpscare of your life when duolingo gives you this notification

[noughticalcrossings]

Put thee not on Silent

[linkeduniverse]

Moving Forward

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[hellodesigner2501i]

Numbers are Everywhere Is Out!

My new children's book, "Numbers are Everywhere," is officially out now and available for purchase on the Amazon book store!

This book is a fun way to introduce numbers to your little ones, making learning an absolute blast!

From counting colorful toys to seeing what ants are up to! "Numbers are Everywhere" takes your child on an exciting journey where they'll discover just how amazing numbers can be!

Numbers are Everywhere Amazon Book Link

[sualne]

i imagine Mihawk doesn't know how to act around children.

(timeline)

[ryllen]

comrades over small talks & afternoon tea

[nipuni]

So I watched Good Omens 😊 It is very cute, I really enjoyed the character design!

[foldingfittedsheets]

Before my beloved and I moved in together they were living with roommates in a place that didn't have a bathtub. Now, a reasonable person might conclude from this that baths would be out of the equation in a home with only one standing shower and no tub.

But these people weren't quitters. Naturopathic doctors and acupuncturists they were dedicated to treating their bodies well and one of the ways they liked to do that was hydrotherapy. Most people are familiar with this through things like polar bear plunges. You sit in a hot tub then jump in freezing water.

It's supposedly good for you and they were way into it. But again, no tub. They'd do hydro showers but it just wasn't the same. These people were not quitters, though. (One of them is the boob soap person, so it really isn't a surprise that she goes hard on everything). So they got what looked like two big metal old timey tubs but which were actually animal food troughs and set them up in the garage. They set up a water heater and god knows how they emptied the tub after, I think there was hoses involved? A pump maybe? I honestly can't remember. Anyway! Voila, hydrotherapy on demand.

I was not aware of this. So when I came over after a long day and my beloved said we should take a bath I was extremely puzzled. I only knew about the one shower. They showed me the garage tubs. I did want a bath and I wasn't really sure about the setup, but honestly I'll try anything once if only for the story, so I agreed.

Fun fact about me though. I haaaate being cold. I've been 0% body fat most of my life with skin barely keeping my bones enclosed. I'm always cold. My favorite activity at the time was sitting directly in front of space heaters. My shower temperatures turn me lobster red and make my beloved cringe. Willingly dunking myself into cold water is the antipathy of my entire deal.

On the night in question I happily submerged into the warm tank, pleasantly surprised by the big silly improvised tub. Which again was meant for livestock. My knees bumped companionably against my beloved as we soaked in the hot water. After a while they rose to go into the cold water. "You don't have to," they told me.

But I was haunted. I wouldn't be doing hydro if I just stayed in the warm tub. Maybe hydro was amazing. It has all these health benefits. I desperately didn't want to but I stood up with them. We were having this nice intimate evening in the garage, just us, I felt safe. I was gonna do it.

They stepped easily into the cold tub, dunking matter of factly into the frigid water. I went to step. I did. I really really tried. My foot went in and I started shrieking, my progress arrested by the total state of shock I entered when my warm toasty foot hit that smug arctic water tension. My beloved started laughing as my pitch ascended the deeper my foot went into the cold water.

I started loudly narrating my discomfort as my foot touched the bottom and I willed my other foot up to join it. "THIS IS VERY COLD," I yelled, "IT'S SO COLD I THINK I MIGHT DIE HOW ARE YOU JUST CASUALLY SITTING IN THIS FREEZING COLD WATER?! I'M DYING- I THINK I'M DYING! I'M DYING BUT WE'RE HERE, TOGETHER! I CAN DO THIS! I CAN DO THESE EVEN THOUGH IT'S SO COLD ALL MY MOLECULES HAVE COMPRESSED INTO A SOLID STATE!"

I ended up with both feet planted in the cold tub, water up to my shins, bellowing and panting while my beloved laughed so hard they couldn't breathe. I hunkered over the cold water, squatting like a frozen gargoyle.

My beloved was trying to psyche me up while I willed my body to obey me. In a sudden jerky drop like a puppet whose strings have been cut I plummeted my body into the cold and let out a shriek that I’m sure could have shattered glass and then leapt up out of the water at a speed relative to a rocket achieving space flight. I didn’t like it.

When we got back inside my beloved's roommates were collapsed on the ground with tears in the their eyes from how hard they'd been laughing. They and probably every neighbor down the block had heard my pterodactyl screeching and narration because the garage was not remotely soundproof.

[breadandblankets]

Duke: "So then Ra's went-"

Damian: "You know that's not grandfather's name right"

Duke: "Hm?"

Damian: "that's not his name it's a title, you're supposed to say the whole title, his name isn't 'Head'"

Duke:

Damian:

Duke: "She give me Ra's on my Ghul til I…"

Damian, sighing, unsheathing a sword: "Thomas, I know you will survive this, so I will not be holding back"

[criticalsyourroles]

now i've watched a fair amount of d&d i've started to pick up on the differences between dm style i think

like brennan IS all the bad guys. every game he dms is brennan vs the players. he makes npcs and battles that make his friends throw things at him and he smirks the whole time. he makes them tell him their worst fears and then he makes them do it. and it's awful and amazing and really funny

matt IS exandria. his characters and battles never feel written or constructed, they just feel like things that already existed in the world. it's all about verisimilitude with him, and he's amazing at it. he tends to fade into the background and let the players react to the story and it makes everything he does incredibly cinematic

aabria dms like she's just another player at the table reacting to the story, right up until someone gets lulled into a false sense of security and tries to fool around and THEN she throws a curveball by making them deal with the consequences of their choices. she's like oh you think that's funny?? then i'm about to be hilarious, bitch. and she keeps getting away with it bc she's just that good!

basically, brennan's an evil bastard, matt's the world, and aabria's the queen of consequences

or:

brennan - fuck

matt - around

aabria - find out