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dearsunrise12 · 2 months

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Growing up with ITZY

I was supposed to write another piece tonight but I feel like I should seal these feelings I brought home from the MOA Arena first.

Frankly, the concert was underwhelming, but let’s not dwell into that yet.

I had an amazing time with my cousin even though it took us roughly 4 hours to get to the venue. Although the bus ride gave me a chance to doze off and probably had one of the best travel naps I’ve ever had. The moment I opened my eyes though, a long ominous strike of lightning flashed in the sky (Thank you, Len for giving me the window seat.) It’s no surprise that rain will greet us at dawn, I was prepared for that. What took me by surprise was one of the worst traffic jams I ever experienced in Manila, that even the 4 hour allowance we had for travel-time was almost fully consumed. As I was staring at the static private and public vehicle on Taft Avenue, I once again felt thankful that I don’t have to surge those streets as often as before. Even those moments that made me reminisce of how my commute was, always leaves me with a distaste feeling. It’s uninviting, yet somehow still lingers in me because of the destinations it took me.

Oh, you traveled while there’s a horrible storm? Don’t worry, you’re a media staff for the Manila International Book Fair and you get to meet all these amazing people! But! You’ll have to go through this hell of a commute again to go home and rest. But! Isn’t it fulfilling?

It’s like an unhealthy push-and-pull relationship that I ultimately had to let go of. Even now, that is still the same cycle of thoughts whenever I see the MOA Globe.

We had to run to get to the venue on time. We only have 9 minutes left before the show starts and we still need to go to the restroom, ride at least three escalators, and apparently, climb a couple sets of stairs to get to the General Admission section. Why didn’t they put an escalator for the last floor of the arena? Maybe they wanted to make us feel poor because we can’t afford a closer tier? Haha or maybe it has something to do with safety? Anyway, it did not help that we’re desperate to go take a wee. Allen did, but me for some reason, realized that wait a minute, I don’t have to go I’m just really paranoid. And funny enough I did not pee until it was time for bed later that night.

We had the worst seats that even the once at the very top of General Admission had a better view than ours. I blame Tiktok. People were saying don’t get the first row because the barricade will block you! WRONG. The first row peeps were fine! It’s us on ROW B that suffered the block of the barricade. I had to take a moment to make that situation somewhat laughable rather than annoying because I wasn’t gonna let some stupid piece of metal ruin our night. I kept changing my sitting position to get a good view of the main and extended stage but it only ended up as if I was trying to sneak a peak to some random house’s window. Kinda like the story my mom told me from when they were kids and they would peek to their neighbor’s half closed window to watch TV. That thought made me laugh so I shared it with Allen. We were pretty cool about it. At least, we tried to. Were we gaslighting ourselves into turning this horrible view into somewhat silly situation? Yes. We’ll remember this, SM.

The concert started off with us roaring with excitement. And while I was overjoyed that me and Allen got to see these girls again, I took a minute to check in myself, because there’s something off. Something foreign in this kind of setting, given that I once had a panic attack at a concert.

But this one feels a lot like indifference.

Didn’t I say that the concert was underwhelming? First I thought it was because I didn’t know much of the songs they sang in the first part. Then I thought, oh, Lia is not here so maybe it’s because she mostly carried the interactions with fans. I started to miss Lia, also Allen would point out whenever it's Lia’s part and another member would sing it. Maybe that’s another one, that they had to rearrange most of the choreo and line distributions to make it feel kind of weird.

I kept digging for possible reasons that might’ve caused the building indifference. And of course, the barricade blocking the view is no help. It was when they started their ments, and singing familiar songs that I get to let loose a bit and let the feelings flow until I finally reached the conclusion to why I’m not as hyped as before.

Before, I was waiting to be part of this kind of moment; concerts, book fairs, events that grant me media passes. Now, I see it as these events are the ones taking its part in my life.

It was a brief second, or maybe less, that that thought entered my mind and washed out all the worries that I might just be becoming a boring adult who can’t even have a good time. It’s that change of perspective that made me calmer, and heck, even made me mindful of the way I cheered rather than just mindlessly screaming. So yeah, maybe a bit of it is me becoming a boring adult, but innately, and since I shared this with Allen who I know adores ITZY a ton, I am overjoyed.

The rest of the show was an easy watch after that self discovery. I even developed a strategy on how to get a good view despite the barricades. I have to say, I underestimated Gen Ad. If we were on Row C or D, the view would’ve been fantastic despite the distance. It’s not as bad at all as what I remember. Their faces onstage are not that clear but visible nonetheless. We would even wave hello whenever the girls wave at our section, and pose at the group photos as if we could really be seen in those snaps.

I particularly enjoyed the set of songs they performed with Not Shy. It even brought back a whirlwind of memories when I heard that song for the first time back in 2020, when the world was in despair because of COVID, while I was suffering from a different type of pain (let this be a reminder for a future blog subject.) I was so different back then I said under my breath. Then that made another lightbulb turn on in my head. These girls must’ve changed a lot, too, since the Not Shy era. That sent a rush to my spine, while Yuna was giving her ment, that it almost made me shed a tear with her. Yuna, especially, changed a lot. Her growth very much reminded me of my own. How she started as a fifteen year old and now she’s the same age as me when I got my heart broken for the first time and ultimately torn my heart and soul into a million unrecognizable pieces. I felt for her. The hardships she must’ve been through being a kid in that business. What if she went through a similar kind of hardship like I did, how she managed to stay graceful through it all.

I remember seeing Yuna cry for the first time back in 2019. She was very carefree that she would let herself sob in front of the audience and let her members tease her and comfort her right after. I ‘ve been wondering a few eras after why she suddenly stopped being that kind of kid and started being more reserved, and sort of an angsty teenager. I guess I gotta give her the credit nobody gave me; we all go through that at a certain point of our teenage years. She mentioned in her ment that she still is too dependent on her members, but to be honest, I’m glad that she is, and more than that, I’m glad that the other doesn’t seem to mind that that’s the case. I’m happy that they got each other’s back after all these years.

For their last two songs, again, we were lucky. Because we loooove Boys Like You and DALLA DALLA so much. We danced and sang the wrong lyrics. It was one of those moments that I could really feel myself get lost to the music, and the constant sight of the girls dancing around, reminding me that this is a live show filled my heart with love and happiness.

For the last moments of the show, I gathered all those memories and experiences that led me to ITZY; the mean clique that I cannot fathom how they were adored by many whilst having horrible attitude, the student leaders that stabbed each and everyone in the room behind their back, the superiors that used me, my stuff, and my skills as if they own me, and those professors that inspired me to stand up and choose myself for once, even if that means I need to be a bitch about it. I took a deep breath and screamed with Yeji, Ryujin, Chaeryeong, and Yuna, knowing that Lia is in everybody’s heart, I shouted, I LOVE MYSELF.

#at sunrise

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gothicprep · 2 years

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i guess as an addendum to the "meme culture" thing is that it's something that exists in different forms outside of saying, i don't know, "this could be because he's a sigma male" 12 times a day. shit like "red flag films". or the fact that bo burnham can write a song called "white woman's instagram" and we all know the specific image being conveyed though the title alone. or anything you see depicted on starter packs/bingo cards. or tiktokers all speaking with the same sing-song smug cadence. it's all memetic, technically, even if it's not what we colloquially understand memes to be. but once you start noticing it, it's hard to stop.

i think people are all aware of this on some level, otherwise there wouldn't be this persistent belief that you can glean personal truths about someone through their artistic and aesthetic preferences. that if you aren't That Thing, you signal this through your speech, appearance, and consumption.

personally, i've never met someone who grossly misread american psycho or fight club. i'm not saying they aren't out there, but i don't think it's as much of a "thing" as people act like it is. i have met a lot of people, though, who can't have any conversations about those movies without first prefacing that they aren't "one of those guys". what guys? who are the guys? 16 year old boys without a developed sense of media literacy? i'm always baffled by it a bit – there's no way i'm the first person they've ever said this to, and in all that repetition, it's never occurred to them that "liking fight club" doesn't communicate anything more than one opinion about one movie.

it's how men's rights activism became synonymous with a hat. how we end up with video essays psychoanalyzing "not like other girls girls" – like, imagine psychoanalyzing a broad generalization. this general bad habit of treating ourselves and others like the output of a spotify "you may also like..." radio station, where the first thing you pick is "ernest hemingway" and the algorithm keeps chugging along until it lands on "gaslighting people". it's really nonsense, yknow, just this grating, perpetual "us & them" thing.

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rantingcrocodile · 3 years

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I've been pondering this.

If men and women are of equal IQ, and women have higher EQ, how is it that men are able to so easily and smoothly manipulate us without us knowing most of the time?

They've convinced many women that they are more oppressed than us, convinced many women that radical feminism is bad, convinced many women that we are not oppressed at all, and have convinced many women that degrading acts like prostitution, rape, abuse, hijab, etc are empowering or hot. They've even convinced us that they are "better women than cis women" (their words, not mine) and we believed them.

What's going on? Why are there basically no women who recognize what's going on if we're apparently just as smart as men are? I'm pretty sure you'd need to be smarter than women in order to trick us so easily.

Hey, if we have higher EQ, doesn't that mean that we'd easily see past this bullshit?

You're looking at this entirely the wrong way.

Aside from the fact that IQ tests and the like are useless, based on very specific kinds of pattern-recognition that depends on how you've been educated (meaning that it's even more useless across cultures and then can be used by racists to say that different groups are "less intelligent" etc), how intelligent women are has absolutely nothing to do with how we're tricked and gaslit by the patriachy.

You have to bear in mind that most of this is down to female socialisation. There are parents who change how they think about their baby from the womb as soon as they're given confirmation that they're having a little girl.

When little girls are taught to be quiet, tidy, thoughtful, given toys replicating housework and child-rearing, when little girls see that boys are allowed to run around, get dirty, be loud, be the centre of attention, etc etc etc, that's all internalised from a young age to prime us to put ourselves last and treat men as being more important.

Then, add on to the messages that little girls see about other girls and women. Little girls are mean and manipulative and will stab you in the back. Father is out to work and hardly parents, so is fun and understanding and silly, but Mother is at home doing chores (even if she works, too!) and does more disciplining, so she's cruel and terrible and is the one that really doesn't understand. Older women are ugly, nasty, vicious gossips. Women, little girls are told, aren't to be trusted, but men are logical and understand the world better. Little girls are taught to gaslight ourselves and keep our experiences to ourselves. Little girls cry more anyway, so feeling upset and alone and misunderstood is just girls being girls and unimportant, so don't bother others, and if other girls are crying, then again, that's just girls, and maybe it's manipulative, too.

When you add all those factors together, male voices are allowed to be the loudest and women tend to put our heads down and just accept what men are telling us. We try to be kind, and any woman who goes against what men are saying are just the ugly, nasty, vicious women they were taught existed, and to be good, then it's right to prioritise men and show those horrible women that they're wrong.

It isn't the victim's fault when they're abused and manipulated into silence and to prioritise and agree with those who have abused her. It's the abuser's fault. It doesn't make the victim any less intelligent. Victims can't simply "stop being victims." It takes time and patience and support to break free of that kind of intense conditioning from birth.

Men would have us think that we're "stupid" and that it's actually our choice to prioritise them, but all that does is deny what we're actually put through. When you see the full context, you realise it has nothing to do with anything other than us being the victims of this abuse - abuse that our mothers internalised too and passed on because they thought it was "normal," passed on from their mothers who also thought it was "normal," to different specifics.

That's where female oppression comes from. Men. Not us. And it isn't our fault.

#crocodilian answers

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galemalio · 4 years

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3 Examples of Racial Bias in Animation Storytelling

It’s not hard to grasp that a white person, while not explicitly or consciously racist in the sense we might usually imagine, is still inherently racially biased because they benefit from and grow up used to white supremacy.” - Scottishwobbly, Tumblr

This is nothing new. This is something POC (People of Color) have been talking about in separate fandoms. Nevertheless, it needs to be acknowledged by those unaware.

This article is not made to say that some of the animations that I will use as examples are bad. But in the hopes that we, as consumers and creators, will do better in the future in handling characters that are POC.

Most often, racial bias in storytelling is when the narrative treats white or light skin toned characters better than darker skin toned characters. The darker skin toned characters are often POC-coded or actual POC.

White creators often do not notice their racial bias in their storytelling as they benefit from and grow up with white privileges and white supremacy. This can also apply to light-skinned POC who have light skin priviliges.

Some of us don’t often see it but real people who relate to the characters of color do. Especially when it reflects from their experiences with racial bias, microaggressions, colorism and flat out racism.

So when they speak up, it’s important to listen to them to unlearn the racial bias we may have in ourselves.

I will be emphasizing “the narrative” for I am criticizing how the story treats its dark-skinned characters and not because I am criticizing the characters themselves.

This article is critiqued by @visibilityofcolor as a sensitivity reader once and then additions were made before publishing. If you’re looking for a Black sensitivity reader, you can contact her.

This article is a 14-minute read at average speed so buckle up. Unless you want to skip to your show mentioned below. External Tumblr Resources will be put in the reblog.

Here are three examples that I was made aware of.

Example #1: The Narrative Treats the Light-Skinned Character at the Expense of the Dark-Skinned Character

Steven Universe was one of the animations that pushed lgbt+ representation in cartoon media. However, there are narratives here and there that showed racial bias.

SU creator Rebecca Sugar was raised with "Jewish sensibilities" and both siblings observe the lighting of Hanukkah candles with their parents through Skype.[1] Rebecca Sugar also talked about being non-binary.[2]

But as a white person, she (and the rest of the SU crew) is not aware of the inherently biased values from growing up and benefiting from white privilege.

One example is the human zoo. There are people that have spoken up about this such as @jellyfax of Tumblr who pointed out that the Crewniverse mishandled a loaded topic and reinforced a white colonist propaganda where the captive humans of mostly black/brown people are naive, docile and childlike in order to subjugate the people that they colonized. .

What I’m here is how a character of color from the main cast is more obligated to the lighter-skinned character.

In the episode, Friend Ship, one fan had spoken out about how Garnet, who had been validly angry at Pearl, was compelled by a dangerous situation to forgive Pearl. Garnet is a Black-coded character. While Pearl is a light-skinned character.

Garnet was mad at Pearl for tricking her into always fusing with her. Then they were trapped in a chamber that was going to crush them. In this situation, they have to fuse in order to save themselves but Garnet refuses to because she was still angry at her.

In the end, they were forced to talk it out, for Garnet to understand Pearl’s reason for wanting to fuse with her and everything worked out well.

The narrative focused so much on Pearl’s self-worth issues at the expense of Garnet’s right to be angry.

Yes, it showed that Pearl is trying her best to make up for it but Garnet should have been allowed to work at her own anger at her own pace instead of being obligated to consider Pearl’s feelings over her own.

I wouldn’t have noticed it until someone had mentioned it. Because it was never my experience.

But it’s there, continuing the message that it’s okay to put the emotional labor on Black people and disregard their own feelings for the sake of the non-Black people who have hurt them -particularly light-skinned women.

White Fragility and Being Silenced White Woman Tears

Again, racial bias in animation storytelling is often not intentional because white creators do not experience it due to white privilege.

Without meaning to, that scene alone shows Garnet as the Angry Black woman trope that is ungrateful and rude to Pearl who then ends up in tears. Without meaning to, Pearl with her light skin, became the tearful white girl trope that had to be sympathized over.

The Angry Black Woman trope is a combination of the worst negative stereotypes of a Black woman: overly aggressive, domineering, emasculating, loud, disagreeable and uppity.[13]

The Tearful white girl trope comes from the combination of the stereotypes of white women being morally upstanding and delicate and therefore should be protected.[13]

Which, unfortunately, many white women have taken advantage of.

These two tropes are harmful to WOC (Women of Color) because they experience the "weary weaponizing of white women's tears". This tactic employed by many white women incites sympathy and avoids accountability for their actions, turning the tables to their accuser and forcing their accuser to understand them instead.

(Image by Виктория Бородинова from Pixabay)

In "Weapon of lass destruction: The tears of a white woman", Author Shay described that white tears turns a white woman into the priority of whatever space she's in. "It doesn't matter if you're right, once her tears are activated, you cease to exist." [11]

White woman tears have gotten Black people beaten and lynched such as Emmett Till. Carolyn Bryant who had accused 14 year old Emmett Till of sexually harassing her in 1955, admitted she lied about those claims years later in 2007.[15]

In Awesomely Luvvie's "About the Weary Weaponizing of White Women Tears", she states that the innocent white woman is a caricature many subconsciously embrace because it hides them from consequences. [10]

In The Guardian’s article, "How White Women Use Strategic Tears to Silence Women of Colour", Ruby Hamad shares her experience:

"Often, when I have attempted to speak to or confront a white woman about something she has said or done that has impacted me adversely, I am met with tearful denials and indignant accusations that I am hurting her. My confidence diminished and second-guessing myself, I either flare up in frustration at not being heard (which only seems to prove her point) or I back down immediately, apologising and consoling the very person causing me harm."[4]

This is not to say that all crying white women are insincere. But as activist Rachel Cargle said:

“I refuse to listen to white women cry about something. When women have come up to me crying, I say, ‘Let me know when you feel a little better, then maybe we can talk.’”[3]

One of the most quoted words in “White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism.” is this:

“It is white people’s responsibility to be less fragile; people of color don’t need to twist themselves into knots trying to navigate us as painlessly as possible.”[3]

When white women cry in defense, instead of taking accountability, People of Color are then gaslighted into thinking they’re the bad guy. This is emotional abuse and a manipulation tactic.

People of Color shouldn’t have to bend backwards to accommodate discomfited white or light-skinned people who have hurt them.

How She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (SPOP) Did It Right

Despite SPOP having good lgbtq+ representations, there are other biases in the show. Such as Mara, a WOC whose only purpose was to sacrifice herself for the white protagonist. There was also the insensitive joke in their stream regarding Bow’s sibling that perpetuated an Anti-Black stereotype which Noelle Stevenson has apologized for.[14]

But the scene I have encountered where the Black character was validly angry and his feelings were treated well by the narrative, came from SPOP.

Bow, a black character, was validly angry at Glimmer, a lighter skinned character. Glimmer made a lot of bad decisions, one of them was using Adora and their friends as bait, without their knowledge, to lure out and capture Catra.

Glimmer tearfully apologized in Season 5, Episode 4. Adora readily forgave her. But Bow didn't.

They faced dangers along the way but the story didn't put them in a dangerous situation where Bow has to forgive Glimmer in order to get out of it.

This was Glimmer's words of apology:

"Look, I know you're still mad at me. Maybe you'll be mad at me for a really long time. I deserved it. And maybe... maybe we'll never be friends like we used to be. But I'm not going to stop trying to make it better. I made a mistake with the heart of Etheria. I should've listened to you and I'm sorry. You get to be mad. For as long as you need to be. But I'm not going anywhere. And when you're ready, I'll be here."

In short, Bow was allowed to take the time to be mad and not just get over it for someone else’s sake. The story validates his feelings and he was allowed to take his own pace. That is emotional respect the story gave to him.

Example #2: The Narrative Gives Better Endings or Portrayals to Colonizers than Their Victims

Avatar: The Last Airbender has handled dark themes well such as genocide, war, PTSD, disability and redemption with great worldbuilding.

However, I never noticed the racial bias in ATLA until people spoke up of the double standards in ATLA’s treatment of light-skinned colonizers compared to their dark-skinned victims-turned-villains.

The characters in question -Iroh, Azula, Jet and Hama- are all flawed and well-rounded in a believable way. But how the narrative treats them is unequal.

General Iroh is an ex-colonizer who gets to redeem himself and not answer for his past war crimes, living a peaceful life as a tea shop owner. The only reason Iroh changed was when he was personally affected by the negativity of their military subjugation -his son’s death. It wasn’t the harm of the Fire nation ravaging Earth kingdom villages or cities and affecting millions of people that opened his eyes.

Azula, the tyrannical daughter, had closure of her mother's rejection when she was a child and was able to escape imprisonment.

Jet and Hama, victims of colonization who have done bad things, did not get similar conclusions to their stories OR compensation for what they have gone through from the Fire Nation's colonization.

Jet was given a second chance but was arrested for trying to expose Zuko and Iroh being firebenders -firebenders who were their enemies for conquering their villages. Then he died from the injuries of the person who had brainwashed and mind-controlled him.

Hama was imprisoned for life.

Compared to the sins of the light-skinned colonizers, the narrative didn’t give Jet and Hama the development where they could heal from their trauma, receive compensation for what happened to them and really have a chance in life.

The dark-skinned victims of colonization just became a lesson to the viewers how they shouldn’t hold grudges for being colonized. The end. They have received consequences for their actions but there is no continuation to their stories after that.

It almost seems like the narrative is saying that because they have harmed colonizers who have no part in their trauma (and in Jet’s case, some Earth kingdom villagers), they are therefore unworthy to be given an actual chance in life.

While Azula and Iroh, who have actively participated in conquering, colonizing and attacking the Earth Kingdom itself, were.

Someone once said that if indigenous people have control over Hama’s story, it would have been done differently. But the ATLA crew are white, non-indigenous people who prioritized redeeming colonizers instead.

The narrative has also affected how the ATLA fandom thinks. If most fans are asked who they would want to be redeemed, the popular option would be Azula over Jet or Hama.

Once again, I don’t think the ATLA crew noticed it due to their racial bias. But still, the harm is done and the racially biased message is continued:

The colonizers and their descendants don’t have to make amends for the colonizers’ crimes. Or if they do, only lightly since it’s in the past (no matter how recent that past is).

The colonized who rebel will tend to hurt innocent people and then get a grisly end for getting in way over their heads.

I would venture as far as to say that the narrative may have the added subconscious desire to quiet their white anxiety on the vengeance of the colonized. As I have learned when writing about Vodou stereotypes and how they have stemmed from the history of white anxiety of Black vengeance, of Black fetishization and of dissolution of the white race through intermarriages.

In @visibilityofcolor’s blog, someone asked:

“So I saw some of the really heated debates on here and on twitter about how if Iroh and Azula can be portrayed sympathetically despite their actions then characters like Jet and Hama should've been given a chance too. Do you think that the writers understood the implications of only redeeming characters from the colonizer/fascist nation but not giving the characters who suffered because of their fascism a second chance too?”

To which VisibilityOfColor replied:

“No, because at the end of the day, the writers are white. When it comes to stuff like this, it’s no surprise when we see white writers redeem problematic characters before they actually redeem victims of those racist problematic characters. For instance, Dave Filioni, who worked on both avatar and star wars rebels, did the same thing when redeeming agent kallus who was an soldiers in the imperial army and took credit for a genocide. where as victims of the empire were still painted in negative lights. i really don’t think they understand.

They have this ‘be the better person’ view on things, which is what a lot of white people tend to emulate when it comes to people of color standing up to their oppressors. and unfortunately, these are ideas passed on to children, esp minorities. that they should forgive people and communities who hurt them and ‘be the better person’. this is why white ppl don’t need to write narratives for people of color.”

Example #3: The Narrative Favors the Light Skinned Character Than Dark Skinned Character in Similar Situations

I would like to reiterate that racial bias in storytelling is often not intentional. I am not saying the creators and the people who support them are bad people. No.

However, I encourage that once a racial bias is made known in our work, it is our responsibility to change them to stop the perpetuation of its harmful message.

Hazbin Hotel is a popular cartoon with whimsical designs and its concept opens the conversation about redemption. The creator, Vivziepop may not have noticed the racial bias in her cartoon as a white Latina [5] that grew up with and benefits from white privileges, along with the Hazbin crew.

In the Youtbe video, "Hazbin Hotel - How Art took over Writing", Staxlotl states:

“I understand that there was a lot of time and effort put into this pilot, almost three years worth of effort. But I think most of that time was spent into the art and visuals when it should’ve gone into polishing the writing in the characters.”[6]

Once again, I’m not here to critique the characters but how the narrative treats its dark-skinned characters.

The story treats Charlie, the white-skinned, “Disney-esque” protagonist princess differently from how it treats Vaggie, the dark-skinned, more outspoken and protective Latina girlfriend of Charlie who supports the princess’ cause.

In its pilot episode, both girls experience humiliation. While Charlie is portrayed by the story as someone the viewers have to feel sorry for...

...Vaggie is portrayed in her humiliation as the butt of the joke for the viewers.

While they both didn’t like what Angel Dust did, Charlie was sympathized over in the narrative as a moment...

...while Vaggie’s angry but valid callouts were dismissed and ignored as part of the comedy.

While Charlie was someone that needs to be protected in the narrative...

...Vaggie is left to fend for herself.

Again, I don’t think the creators noticed the racial bias of their cartoon. However, this racial bias is reflected in the harmful perceptions that dark-skinned women, particularly Black women and Black girls, are more mature, tougher and need less protection at a young age.[7]

This adultification bias perceives them as challenging authority when they express strong or contrary views and are then given harsher discipline than white girls who misbehave.[8] And this continues when they grow up.

In a 2017 study, Black women and girls aged 12-60 years old confirmed they are treated harsher by their white peers and are accused of being aggressive when they would defend themselves or explain their point of view to authority figures.[8]

This bias also coincides with the Spicy Latina trope of a brown-skinned, hot-blooded, quick-tempered and passionate woman.

Everyday Feminism described this trope as "Although objects of desire for many, the spicy Latina may have too much personality to handle. So much so that she is often viewed as domineering or emasculating." [16]

Sounds familiar? (Look at Angry Black Woman trope above.)

Why is it that a light-skinned character, Charlie, is allowed to be vulnerable and be sympathized while the dark-skinned Latina character, Vaggie, is mocked, dismissed and expected to tough it out?

Severina Ware had to remind the world in her article that relates to the bias against dark skinned characters:

“Black women are not offered the protection and gentleness of our white counterparts. We are not given permission to be soft and delicate. We are required to exhibit strength and fortitude not only because our lives depend on it, but because so many others depend on us. Black women should not be charged with the responsibility of saving everyone when nobody is here to save us.”[12]

As @cullenvhenan of Tumblr has said in her post:

“if you're a white creator and your brown/black characters are always sassy, reckless, aggressive or cold and your white characters are always soft, demure, shy and introverted you should think about maybe why you did that”

(Image above from Iowa Law Reviews’ “Aggressive Encounters & White Fragility: Deconstructing the Trope of the Angry Black Woman”)

Detecting Your Own Racial Bias

It would be hard. No matter how much you edit and create, you may miss it because it was never your experience.

So how do we prevent our racial bias from creeping into our creations?

Listen to POC and their feedback.

As @charishjb from Instagram has shared, here is one of the things that we can do (tumblr link here) [9]:

Consider POC voices. Listen to their experiences. Hire sensitivity POC readers. Put multiple POC voices in positions of leadership in creative projects.

Then we can stop the racial bias that perpetuates again and again in the media. I hope for that future.

#racial bias #racism #colorism #animation #steven universe #su #pearl #garnet #atla #azula #general iroh #jet #hama #hazbin hotel #hazbin vaggie #lynching mention #lynching tw #writeblr #artblr

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stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland · 3 years

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Regardless of line distribution I think Normani was socially the underdog of the group. I think this fandom has a really hard time understanding what it’s like being the only african american girl in a western girl group with fans praising the most euro-centric girls above the others. It’s an experience she has every right to talk about how it made her feel. I think Camilizers get upset when she speaks about it because they know EPIC positioned everything in favor of Camila in that group. It was a launching pad for her solo career. The other four were left to die that last era. It’s just the brutality of this industry. I say if Lauren, Ally, Dinah, Normani or even Camila want to talk about how much that experience sucked, who are we to dictate their trauma?????? That they actually lived through????? It feels like gaslighting to say “oh that wasn��t that bad… or you’re successful you shouldn’t talk about it… or oh but you had this so that trauma shouldn’t matter…” I’ve learned when people keep repeating the same hurtful experience it’s because they’re still healing from it. Some of us have to ask ourselves why does her healing process bother you? Don’t read the interviews, don’t follow the tweets. But don’t tell someone what they should feel about their personal experiences. When we don’t really know. This goes for all of the girls.

In most of what you have said I agree with you anon, but as for Normani, yes, it is true that she was neglected a lot of times and it showed, but now being a soloist, she has the support of their own community and that also shows. I also agree with you about the people who still do not understand how manipulated the girls were and what they went through and I really wish that all of them could talk. All. Ally already made it through her book and then stopped talking about 5H, but the other four girls haven't had that chance yet and I don't find it fair.

Lauren made it clear in her interview with Zach Sang that the girls were more than co-workers and that they were a sisterhood because they went through hell together so if this is how they went through that whole process, I can't imagine what they would have gone through when the cameras weren't on them.

I think that time will be the one to be able to speak for them. When all contracts related to reality are completely finished. Maybe not so soon, but one day.

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supposed-to-be · 2 years

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generation

I wonder if my grandmother knows the word “trauma.” The word “abuse” is written in bloody gouges in the hall of portraits I keep in my mind, scrawled over the blurry image of a great-grandfather nobody talks about. It’s written lighter, in a more forgiving fountain pen, along the picture of my pépe. His is a black-and-white photo of a loose-jowled man with combed-over black hair, eyes smudged away by thick-lensed glasses and cigarette smoke. My grandmother has never read studies saying that kids who are abused are more likely to find themselves in an abusive marriage. If she’s ever stopped to wonder what drew her to a handsome, hard-drinking man with eyes for other women, she’s pushed the thought away after years with no answer. She takes it all in stride, says with hard eyes that that’s the way the world is. I disagree, use as evidence my father, who stands gentle and open-handed in the doorway, enduring her ice-shard demeanor with his warmest smile. He calls her “Mom” and doesn’t resent her for resenting him. My arguments rest behind my teeth, and my grandmother cradles my face in gentle palms, kisses me on the nose, says “darlin’,” while I swallow back my complaints and resolve never to defend men when she makes herself vulnerable. She loves me despite the fact that my creation required the presence of a male, so that will be enough.

I wonder if my mother knows the word “gaslighting.” I wonder if she knows that we can do it to ourselves, downplaying what we went through and attaching “of course” at the front. Do those wire-rimmed glasses warp the light so she doesn’t see the horror in my face? Or does she see it only as something to comfort and soothe away, never considering she could accept it as it was meant to be: a gift, for her. Mother, let your children hurt. They do it for your sake. My kind mother is so good at perceiving the needs around her that when we adopted my sister she talked for weeks about childhood PTSD and had no idea she was describing herself. My mother built a home on her sweat and tears that is nothing like the one she grew up in. My mother learned kind words and soft hands on her own, when there was no one to teach her. There are no shouts in this home, no curses, no bottles flung at the wall. I descend from a line of women with Teflon on one side of their hearts and gauze strips on the other, kiss away a child’s scraped knees and leave their own wounds bleeding and raw.

I wonder if I’m being too sensitive, when I hear the words “generational trauma” and know that they’re true. I know that every time the light fades from the sky and my father isn’t home, the gut-wrenching terror of a little girl realizing daddy’s never coming back sinks ancient claws in my mother’s soul. She thinks that she’s angry, she feels the burn of my grandmother’s bitterness suddenly swamp her bones, but maybe it doesn’t cross her mind that she’s mostly frightened and sad. I’ve never asked. It’s my pépe’s last name that stayed even after he got a divorce. It’s my pépe’s family that my family uses jokingly, each time my brother flares with white-hot temper or stands his ground like a guard dog. My grandmother claimed that name as her own. My mother carried it until my father convinced her to set it down. But I only grazed the edge of it with my fingertips, born under a different banner, saturated with my father’s side, voice too quiet to make that fierce name heard. My matriarchs are warriors who gave birth to a moon-moth. I crumple like tissue wings at the slightest touch; I hover between freezing to death and burning up, unable to get warm even when the fire hurts too much. A deserter leaving the front lines for my bedroom, I retreat each time my father meets the glacial wall of my mother’s eternal cold shoulder. A fugitive holding her breath and waiting to be found, I put my ear to the ground and study the different tones of angry sighs. No one else in the house knows the difference between the “money’s tight again this month,” and “he didn’t come home for dinner again,” but I am the most careful student.

I wonder, mostly, if it would have made a difference. As a young girl, my grandmother welded iron to her spine while violence swirled around her. When my mother was the age that I am now she ripped the armor off her heart with bloodied stumps of fingernails and taught herself to love for my sake and my brother’s. If I’d inherited their steel and iron and acid I might have sat my mother and grandmother down for some therapy, but instead I write my thoughts in a document neither of them will ever see. Maybe this makes me weak. Maybe weak is a privilege that I have because I grew up safe, landed soft at a mother’s hard side.

#generational trauma #mom #grandma #my poetry #if this even counts as poetry #which it might not #maybe it's more of a spoken word #but goodness knows it'll never see slam poetry night #uhhh what's a relevant tag #highly sensitive person #gaslighting #passive agression #alcohlism #sorry for the typos

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terrainofheartfelt · 3 years

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The Derena Breakup(s) Album, A Playlist

was going through it a couple weeks ago, apparently, so I made this playlist. It is very sad. I've no excuse. idk I think I'm most drawn to the tragedy of them? I guess? anyways: Here is the youtube link.

image sources: (X)(X)(X)

track listing & color commentary under the cut:

Little Bit of Love - Kesha We begin our journey in the last handful of episodes of season 1. Desperately Seeking Serena vibes.

Babe, I know that's it's late, I know that I'm drunk / I haven't had a night like this in months

Into Your Arms - The Maine I'm fallin' in love / But it's fallin' apart

I Need My Girl - The National Surface level it’s a love song, but it sounds so...sad.

There's some things that I should never / Laugh about in front of family / I tried to call you from the party / It's full of punks and cannonballers

Plain Sailing Weather - Frank Turner I titled this thing “derena sads” in my spotify library, and this is why. This song is just, ugh, the foyer scene in 1x17. Very few lyrics make me lose my mind as much as the bridge of this song:

Of laying down the bare facts / Like a burden I can't bear / And I can almost find the words / But I can see the way you'd /Fold your hands, speak my name like a curse upon your pretty lips / The pressured white behind your fingertips

Yesterday - The Beatles Love was such an easy game to play / Now I need a place to hide away

Songs for Teenagers - as done by The Gaslight Anthem It's a shame, all the ways we build ourselves up / Just to let each other down

Let It Go - James Bay When we're becoming something else / I think it's time to walk away

The Scientist - Coldplay Very cliche of me I know, but it’s my playlist I do what I want

Questions of science, science and progress / Do not speak as loud as my heart

The Harold Song - Kesha Apart from being an absolute banger, this is Extra in that teen first breakup kinda way

Young love murder, that is what this must be

Bruised - Jack’s Mannequin It’s just because it’s mutual doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. Maybe the context isn’t directly relatable, but the emotion definitely is

Hours pass, and she still counts the minutes / That I am not there / I swear I didn't mean for it to feel like this / Like every inch of me is bruised

drivers license - Olivia Rodrigo Do you - do you think Dan helped Serena practice for her drivers exam (bc Lily wouldn’t) or are you normal?

I know we weren't perfect / But I've never felt this way for no one / And I just can't imagine / How you could be so okay now that I'm gone

Good in Bed - Dua Lipa Obligatory song for the Hamptons and post-Hamptons summer hookups: "You sure that's your heart you're following?"

In the long nights where we did everything but talk it through

Yeah, we don't know how to talk / But damn, we know how to fuck

Come Under the Covers - Walk the Moon The realizing that they’re not going to last past the summer. The elevator break-up.

(Summer is over) / And I can feel the cold changing us inside

The Moon She Has a Jealous Eye - J. Small “I still -” / “I know” are we having fun yet?

How are you supposed to act in these sorts of situations? / The truth is / Tears and hysterics would feel more humane

Uncharted - Sara Bareilles That uncertainty before the first day of school bc they have literally no idea of how to be exes

This is no broken heart / No familiar scars / This territory goes uncharted

Left Handed Kisses - Andrew Bird feat. Fiona Apple they are BAD at being exes

The point your song here misses / Is that if you really loved me / You'd risk more than a few 50 cent / Words in your backhanded love song

Reminder - Mumford & Sons I wasn’t sure how to describe this for a while bc it was just a vibe but oh wait, it’s 2x13

So watch the world tear us apart / A stoic mind and bleeding heart / You never see my bleeding heart

Love on the Rocks - Sara Bareilles s2b weirdness

Here's a simplification of everything we're going through / You plus me is bad news

I Don’t Want to Know - Fleetwood Mac I don't want to stand between you and love / Honey, I just want you to feel fine

Breaking Up Slowly - Lana del Rey It's hard to bе lonely, but it's the right thing to do

April Come She Will - Simon & Garfunkel This playlist came to be bc this song came over my shuffle and it sent me into a Derena Sads spiral. Whoops.

A love once new has now grown old

The Last Time (Taylor’s Version) - tswift feat. Gary Lightbody the backslide ballad. obviously Serena is Gary’s voice and Dan is Taylor’s

And you open your eyes into mine / And everything feels better … You wear your best apology / But I was there to watch you leave

champagne problems - tswift Apart from the lyrics below, the imagery of the chorus reminds me of the sudsnewsletter analysis that talks about how Serena is always elevated above Dan on the staircase, never coming down to him. Idk.

"She would've made such a lovely bride / What a shame she's fucked in the head," they said / But you'll find the real thing instead / She'll patch up your tapestry that I shred

Tell Tale Signs - Frank Turner This track is the reason I’m tagging this post with a self-harm mention warning. Skip it if you need to. Big sads indeed. Y’all knew what this was

You will always be a part / Of my patched up, patchwork, taped up, tape deck heart

coney island - tswift feat. The National I have many feelings about dan humphrey singing with that Matt Berninger vocal fry…

And do you miss the rogue / Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? / Will you forgive my soul / When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care?

Nobody Wins - Brian Fallon I guess we’re never gonna end up the lucky ones

Old Flames - Frank Turner feat. Billy the Kid They’re really bad at being exes.

But do you remember back when we were young and unformed? / It was all so much easier to give of yourself, to fall in love

Poetry by Dead Men - Sara Bareilles Line after line, the words just left to remind / The two of us, oh, what we could have been / Poetry by dead men

This Colourless Role - Susan O’Neill it's a little bit... "you were the love of my life, Dan. I just thought I was yours." but like, Dan POV

You like what is black / I what is white / Somewhere in the middle / The gray part feels right

I’ve lost my mind / but you / still think we shine

First Love - Adele Forgive me, first love, but I'm too tired

Planets of the Universe - Fleetwood Mac I will never love again the way I loved you / You will never rule again the way you've ruled

It’s Too Late - Carole King There'll be good times again for me and you / But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it, too / Still I'm glad for what we had and how I once loved you

The Conversation - Motion City Soundtrack I had a pocket full of dreams / But I gave them all to you / Now I think I want them back

Stomach - Aly & AJ I just can't stomach being your ex-wife / All these memories, they don't feel like mine

21 Days - Brian Fallon Call it breaking a habit / Call it falling out of love

Clean - as performed by Sara Bareilles let’s just extend that metaphor from the last song shall we? With Sara, because she’s just a better vocalist.

The drought was the very worst / When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst

happiness - tswift the! fitzgerald! references! Also: dappled with the flickers of light from the dress I wore at midnight - !!! literally the cotillion dress!

All you want from me now is the green light of forgiveness / You haven't met the new me yet / And I think she'll give you that

#source: sena marais #source: ggcaps #self harm mention cw #(it's an extended metaphor in one of the tracks' lyrics but tagging to be safe)#just an innocent listen to simon & garfunkel and then I became Unhinged #playlist

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cristalconnors · 4 years

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TOP 20 SONGS OF 2020

20. “BELOW THE CLAVICLE”- EARTHEATER

“The meaning hasn’t come up yet. It’s still under the surface below the clavicle.”

It isn’t just Alexandra Drewchin’s ear splitting soprano when she hits that impossibly high B, practically shrieking out the “cle” syllable of clavicle, though that’s undoubtedly when I first knew that Eartheater’s avant folk was for me- it’s also the cinematic, lush strings, both bowed and plucked (is that acoustic guitar or harp? I genuinely can’t tell), deepening and complicating the sonic texture of Drewchin’s study of parsing through emotions you aren’t ready to make sense of yet.

19. “PUSSY TALK”- CITY GIRLS, FT. DOJA CAT

“This pussy so ghetto, this pussy speak ebonics”

“WAP”’s funnier, classless Irish twin, though it’s important to note “Pussy Talk” came first. Yung Miami and JT enlist Doja Cat to expound on everything their pussies deserve and will absolutely settle for nothing less than. And why should they when they’re spitting out verses this inspiredly hilarious with such confidence and flow?

18. “LICK IN HEAVEN”- JESSY LANZA

“Once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning...”

Jessy Lanza is talking about losing your cool, letting your emotions get the best of you and lashing out instead of letting cooler heads prevail, but when that earworm of a chorus hits- “once I’m spinning, I can’t stop spinning” - I can’t stop spinning. I’m that woman on the single art, a wine mom lost in the delirium of the dance floor and in Lanza’s hypnotic, fragmented rhythms.

17. “GASLIGHTER”- THE CHICKS

“Boy, you know exactly what you did on my boat!”

“Gaslighter” finds Natalie Ames and her Chicks at their most simultaneously ruthless and ebullient, ripping Ames’s ex-husband Adrian Pasdar a new asshole and ratcheting up the righteous anger of “Goodbye Earl” tenfold, channeling it into a glorious wall of sound in what might be their most rousing, emotionally resonant chorus in their storied career.

16. “HANNAH SUN”- LOMELDA

“Hannah do no harm...”

While “Hannah Sun” begins as an exquisitely observed rumination on grappling with long-distance, pining for someone who’s a continent away, it gradually becomes clear that Hannah Read blames herself for putting the distance between her and the subject of her longing, and that the distance isn’t strictly literal. Skittering synths (or is that distorted flute?) complicate and enrich the texture of the song, allowing it to build organically and stunningly towards a heartbreaking plea to herself- “Hannah, do no harm.”

15. “FIRE”- WAXAHATCHEE

“And when I turn back around will you drain me back out? Will you let me believe that I broke through?”

When I’d drive back and forth between Dallas and Austin over and over again when I was in college, I’d often get off I-35 past Waco and take the back roads through towns I’d never heard of, the sun setting spectacularly behind the titular hills of Hill Country that were beginning to roll out in earnest. I think about that a lot when listening to “Fire,” a song dripping in rural Americana that was, unsurprisingly, inspired by a road trip. We’ve probably all been Katie Crutchfield as she crossed the bridge into West Memphis- alone in the car, awed by the simple beauty of the American countryside, making speeches to ourselves about our past mistakes and figuring out a way forward.

14. “3AM”- HAIM

“On the screen and in my jeans, just make me feel good.”

On an album full of genre departures and decidedly darker themes than we’ve typically heard from Haim in their near decade of syncopated bubblegum pop rock, “3AM” stands out not only as their most effective stab at pastiche, slipping into the trappings of contemporary R&B with shocking ease and gusto, but also as their most unabashedly fun track in their entire oeuvre. “I think you can hear the amount of joy and laughs we had making this song” Alana Haim tells Apple Music, and you absolutely can.

13. “QADIR”- NICK HAKIM

“We’re sinking down a hole without thinking about our loved ones who might be shrinking...”

I often wonder if I’m putting enough effort into maintaining my relationships with friends I don’t see regularly, who live several time zones away, living their own lives while I live mine. When the thought of sustaining simple correspondence becomes overwhelming, it’s easy for months to go by before you realize you haven’t spoken to one of your closest friends. “QADIR” plays less like a eulogy for a friend gone too soon (though of course it is that) than a plea to the listener to put in the work. It’s worth it. You never know when it’ll be too late.

12. “LEVITATING”- DUA LIPA

“Glitter in the sky, glitter in our eyes shining just the way we are.”

Just a few bars of that delightfully bouncy, extra-terrestrial beat is enough to launch me into space. It’s so refreshing to hear a song that remembers that pop is supposed to be joyful and is best when it’s a bit silly. When discussing this track with Apple Music, Dua Lipa cites Austin Powers as inspiration, elaborating that “if I do a video for this, Mike Meyers has to be in it.” Can’t you just see them together, performing a farcical pas de deux of seduction like the spiritual successor to “Beautiful Stranger?”

11. “RIQUIQUI”- ARCA

“Love in the face of fear! Fear in the face of God!”

Arca’s made a career of harnessing chaos and somehow making sense of it. On an album that finds her embracing more traditional, accessible song structures, “Riquiqui” is a reminder that even when working within an AB structure, she’s still breaking rules left and right and having a blast doing it. She’s also never sounded so ferociously empowered in either her femininity or in her Venezuelan identity, rattling off local colloquialisms with affection and verve without a second thought as to who’s going to understand it.

10. “FANTASY”- AGAINST ALL LOGIC

“I think about you all the time...”

Or, the musical embodiment of this gif:

When Nicolas Jaar’s tormented synths and crunching beats give way to Beyoncé’s unmistakable alto, it is indeed quite the shock. But should it be? Even if 2017-2019 finds him ditching the dancefloor in favor of more severe, unforgiving soundscapes, his already varied career has shown us nothing’s off limits to him. So why not reinvent Beyoncé’s iconic “Baby Boy” into an industrial, vaguely sinister certified bop that arguably surpasses the original?

9. “PEOPLE, I’VE BEEN SAD”- CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS

“If you disappear, then I’m disappearing, too.”

“People, I’ve been sad” plays out with the vulnerability and intimacy of a tumblr text post you put out in the middle of the night, only to hastily delete later when it gets no notes. It forgoes flowery language in favor of just getting to the point. “I’ve been sad.” Héloïse Adelaïde Letissier blows up this deceptively simple sentiment with richly layered textures and a big screen gloss not to offer any remedies but instead to offer solidarity. We’re all in this hell together.

8. “DESCRIBE”- PERFUME GENIUS

“Can you just find him for me?”

Mike Hadreas has never sounded so hopeless. Utilizing harsh, rattling guitar that would make Kevin Shields swoon, he conveys the experience of being so estranged from happiness and joy that you need to rely on others to describe the sensation to you. But how, when exploring darker textures than he ever has before, does he make despondency sound so divine?

7. “4 AMERICAN DOLLARS”- U.S. GIRLS

“No matter how much you get to have, you will still die and that’s the only thing.”

Meg Remy picks up where she left off on “4 American Dollars,” reviving the subversive pastiche she mastered on In a Poem Unlimited, this time harnessing the power of funk to dismantle the fallacies we’re taught about the virtues of capitalism. Heavy stuff, but Remy makes it less didactic than joyous, ensuring the listener will be singing “I don’t believe in pennies and nickels and dimes and dollars and pesos and pounds and rupees and yen and rubles” until they start to wonder if maybe they shouldn’t, either.

6. “STUPID LOVE”- LADY GAGA

“I freak out, I freak out, I freak out, I freak out!”

Due to a healthy spirit of contrarianism mixed with a touch of internalized homophobia and genuine bafflement at her universal appeal and praise, I was a proud Lady Gaga hater for as long as she’d been a cultural entity. I just didn’t get her at all and loved that about myself. Annoying, I know. 2020 was the year I was finally ready to let that all go. Just before the world fell apart in March, I was out at Flaming Saddles (RIP) with friends the night this song came out and by the sixteenth time it played, I understood why it was inducing such hysteria. This was a cultural shift. After a frustrating near-decade of Gaga subverting expectations so thoroughly that she was actively working against her strengths and sabotaging her cultural ubiquity in the process, coupled with the most frightening era of political upheaval in our lifetimes, she was finally ready to save us and be Lady Gaga again. Booming synth, drag sensibilities, absurd thematic conceits- all was right in the world. For the first time in a long time, people had something to be hopeful about, and as I danced that night, I felt that hope, too.

5. “SHELLFISH MADEMOISELLE”- RÓISÍN MURPHY

“How dare you sentence me to a lifetime without dancing?”

As soon as that bass starts (the funkiest bassline in the history of music?) it’s like Róisín Murphy’s snake charming oboe, coaxing even the most stalwart curmudgeon onto the dancefloor and keeping them there, dancing frantically and involuntarily like the citizens of Strasbourg in 1518, trying their best to keep up with Murphy who isn’t even breaking a sweat, commanding the masses with a sultry remove, beckoning you closer, pulling you inexorably deeper into the mass of gyrating bodies and whispering in your ear “come and have a dance with yer mum.”

4. “PARTY 4 U”- CHARLI XCX

“I only threw this party for you...”

As PC Music / Bubblegum Bass / whatever you want to call it enters its second decade, Charli XCX proves not only that there’s still new textures to explore within it, but also that no one can exploit its artifice to get down to emotional truths like she can. How can she make something this slick sound so vulnerable? “I only threw this party for you” she croons over and over again over glorious syncopated synths that build exquisitely, reaching their climax only to immediately fall away, until it’s just her and her trusty autotune, pleading with the subject of the song to just come to the damn party. But they won’t, of course. They never do, do they?

3. “WAP”- CARDI B, FT. MEGAN THEE STALLION

“I want you to touch that lil’ dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat!”

Sometimes you just immediately know you’re living through a significant cultural moment. No, not COVID. I’m talking about the experience of hearing Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s instant classic “WAP” for the first time, a titanic meeting of the minds that finds both of them at the apex of their cultural influence and at their most undeniable. Can the argument be made that these two aren’t the two best rappers in the game right now? How could you hear this inspiredly filthy sex positive juggernaut, where Cardi and Megan are trading the sickest verses of their careers, and not think these two deserve the world?

2. “KEROSENE!”- YVES TUMOR

“I can be your baby in real life, sugar. I can live in your dreams.”

If the 2010′s were all about the pop-ification of all music, trading in live instrumentation in favor of polished synths, 2020 forcefully announced the return of the electric guitar when Yves Tumor and Diana Gordon’s back and forth lustfully submissive declarations of desire suddenly gave way to that nasty guitar rip lifted from Uriah Heep’s “Weep in Silence” to announce yet another cultural shift in a year chock full of them- rock and roll was, indeed, here to stay.

1. “I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME”- FIONA APPLE

“I move with the trees in the breeze, I know that time is elastic.”

We live and we learn. Years spent soul searching and on self-discovery shape us into better, smarter people, progressively knowing and understanding ourselves and the world around us more and more clearly, but Fiona Apple knows that none of that can quell the ferocious desire to be loved by someone. By anyone. By you, whoever that is. We can know that time is elastic and that when we’re gone all our particles will disband and disperse and then we’ll be back in the pulse, and we can know that none of this stuff actually matters, but still- we want, we want, we want.

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bi-sapphics · 2 years

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Damn you really are just an ugly homophobic white girl. Grow up and stop harassing others. You literally don't even know what lesbian separatism is, or that the ideology refers to bi women choosing to be lesbians by swearing off men for feminist reasons. Educate yourself and spread less hate online. You wouldn't have any rights if it wasn't for a black lesbian throwing rocks at cops at Stonewall, so shut the fuck up and stop being fascist. Stop punching down. Gay people exist, get over it.

i was honestly just gonna delete this ask since i'm tired of all these nasty baseless accusations from anons being angry that my blog doesn't go their way but you're so unbelievably wrong and have me so taken aback that i'm gonna try my best to teach you otherwise - not that it would change your ugly mindset, but i'm tired of misinformation being spread and i want my response to be open on my profile for future necessary reference, which i'm sure will be needed sooner or later.

anyways, let me start by sarcastically saying congrats on telling me you failed to read literally anything i said and admitting that you think bi women advocating for our own culture and recognition is both hate and homophobia. i carefully word my posts so that i don't accidentally sound like i hate lesbians (well... i do hate biphobic lesbians, but not lesbians in general) but unfortunately i can't control how my audience perceives it, i guess. you're also accusing me of something entirely unrelated with "gay people exist." my issue isn't with "real" gay people or gay culture, it's with gay people taking something away that did in fact also belong to bisexuals in order to claim it as gay culture.

and i know damn well how lesbian separatism happened, stop gaslighting me actually. you want us to believe bi women did this to ourselves in wanting to be completely separate from lesbians and i did used to believe that myself because it's what i was taught!! but that's not what happened, radical feminist lesbians saw us as traitors both to lesbians and ourselves as women under the patriarchy and they kicked us out and labelled us as essentially straight, or "bihet." they claimed "lesbian" terms were now lesbian-exclusive because the fact that bi women were considered lesbians up until the 70s or 80s made it easy for them to do so. all they had to do was pretend nothing had changed and since bi women weren't lesbians anymore, they didn't have to be consistent in redefining their terms since the other party had no power to take it back. in other words, bi women were forced out of lesbian spaces without our consent despite our similarities for reasons that had nothing to do with our natural differences, but rather a notion of purity. we were not given a say and it's incredibly disrespectful to lie and gaslight us into accepting that we somehow did. and in addition to that, we got no form of reparations or right to even pack up our things (butch/femme, dyke reclamation, double venus symbol, a recognized place in history, inclusion in sapphic activism, etc.) we were thrown out empty-handed and had the gate slammed behind us. unfairly. we did nothing to deserve that.

i'd "educate myself" if i hadn't already. you see, i very much educated myself and from what i've found, i'm right and you're a liar. you want me to stop talking out of my ass? fine, read any goddamn post on tumblr that argues it. and i guarantee you they'll all be well-written and cite credible sources from both the relevant time periods and the present. click the links on my profile. go through my tags: "#lgbt sources" "#lgbt resources" "#bi sources" #"bi resources" tags and any similar "x discourse" (butch/femme, slur, bi, lesbian, lgbt, trans, etc.) and "x history" (bi, bisexual, lesbian, lgbt), "biphobia", "bimisogyny", "biphobic lesbians" & "lesbian separatism" & "lesbian exclusive" especially and others like them that i have. read an article. pick up a damn book. read a historical source. read literally anything that doesn't argue "this is the way it is because i said so and this is how i want it to be due to my personal and/or taught prejudices", but instead something like "this is how it's always been, and yes things have changed, but these events have not flowed smoothly in agreement or even through a fair trade-off. nothing has really changed in the sense of material reality though, despite all the collective hatred built up over time." see how that works out for you and then come back, i'd love to know.

if anything, the person who doesn't understand what they're talking about, anon, is you. let's back the fuck up for a second here....... FASCIST ?!?!?! YOU USED THAT WORD UNIRONICALLY TO DESCRIBE BISEXUAL WOMEN FIGHTING FOR RESPECT AND A HUMANE PLACE AMONG WLW COMMUNITIES....... and you think i'm going to listen to your takes with an open mind? so let me get this crystal clear: it paints someone as immature and lesbo/homophobic to know factual history and that's unacceptable, but it's completely right and justified and okay to call said person fascist for sticking with it? even if i was wrong, which i'm not btw, you have caused much more offense and damage by falsely using that word purposed for fucking governmental control and literal dictatoral terrorism than i ever have through participating in discourse (and if you say that's not how that works, then... maybe that's also true for most of your argument here). you really need to consider what you just said, in fact i'd probably also take a moment to refuse the irony of calling me white in a derogatory way (which is fine on its own in different contexts idc) and then immediately turning around and referring to the bi community as fascist (which includes plenty people of color oppressed by fascism, btw!!). if you have no issue with that, or if you don't think it's necessary to address your baffling language, then why should i even begin to consider what you have to say? because it's a one-way street and people like myself should listen to you without question? call me crazy but imo that bears a very minor resemblance to the whole total authoritarian ideology of fascism, anon. just throwing that out there as some food for thought, since that word doesn't actually carry any weighted meaning anymore y'know, according to you yourself.

rereading the part where you said "you wouldn't have any rights if it wasn't for a black lesbian throwing rocks at cops at stonewall, so shut the fuck up and stop being fascist. stop punching down. gay people exist, get over it." and i find an interesting resemblance to what i heard TERFs saying all the goddamn time back when i used to hang out in radfem spaces (very telling how you conveniently never mentioned said lesbian was a transfem): "gay people exist", specifically said to exclusively bisexual women as a group in a way that paints them as homophobic by nature of being too man-tainted to value their same-gender attraction and pay more attention to the lesbian side of their community, focus more on choosing a side and just being a lesbian so that we could be "pure" and "morally correct" again and avoid the abuse of men at our own hands. oh... wait. wait hang on. what's that? OH YEAH, riiight, we don't actually even get to do that if we want to despite our expectations because we were forced out of the lesbian community and declared to be nothing like you!! gee, if only we hadn't been told to stay the fuck away from lesbian culture with a 10-foot-pole, we might actually have an option to be wanted by gay women instead of being """inherently""" open to men all the time now (jsyk bi women fucking despise that phrase because it's so damn misogynistic). sounds like a setup but, oh silly me, it couldn't possibly be something that would make lesbians look bad or else i'd get called a homophobe!! weird how that shit works, huh!!

but sure, i'm just an ugly homophobic white girl for not taking the shit and keeping silent over a "disagreement" that harms my community. bi women with direct relation to lesbians exist anon, get over it. SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

i'm assuming it's this post or others like it that prompted you to open your filthy mouth. well i'm not sorry for being right. and i wasn't harassing anyone, especially not directly.

also why do y'all only invade my inbox when i'm sleeping like knock it off goddamn if you do that you gotta wait for a response

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jackcinephile · 3 years

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LO Fans: "I love Lore Olympus because it deals with serious themes, like sexual assault, abuse, gaslighting, trauma, and mental health issues!"

Me, who spent my life discovering and obsessing over masterpieces like this:

"You're gonna have to try a lot harder than that to impress me."

Yeah, I never understood that kind of praise. For one thing, people act like LO is groundbreaking for that reason, despite there being countless movies, books, tv shows, comics, and video games that also deal with the same themes. That isn't to say there can't be more stories like this, however. I, for one, am begging for another video game that comes close to the emotional resonance of Silent Hill 2, or for a faithful adaptation of Dracula and/or Phantom of the Opera, or for a horror movie as unsettling as The Howling! But to say any new story that deals with these themes is unique for doing so, is just simply not true. Lore Olympus is no more unique than any of these stories. Also, I don't understand the praise that Lore Olympus is great just by virtue of having these themes in the first place. Just because a story has serious themes, doesn't automatically make it good. Far too often does LO use its themes as a crutch for a plot that is standard issue among romances, as opposed to stories like The Howling, which has a very intriguing, outlandish plot that serves as a catalyst to explore themes of very real and relatable horror. Lore Olympus, without its intense themes, is just another story about the CEO falling in love with his intern. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE those kinds of stories, but Lore Olympus just doesn't really do it for me. And the poorly executed themes just hamper it even further for me.

If it wasn't already apparent, has anyone noticed a pattern between these titles? All but one are horror stories. In my opinion, that is one of the key differences between them and LO: Horror! The themes within, are ones that illicit terror, and the stories reflect that (even Phantom of the Opera--don't listen to anyone who says it's a romance). Starting with Dracula, one of the scenes that horrified me the most in the book was the one where Count Dracula sneaks into Mina's bedroom. The book describes him slitting open his own vein and forcing her to drink his blood. Mina then expresses feelings of violation, much akin to what rape survivors feel. It doesn't pull any punches in its shocking, horrific portrayal, but it never comes off as exploitative. That's because the best horror stories rely on the audience's empathy. In this case, nobody wants to feel violated, so we feel as horrified as the characters do when we read about this grotesque event. And because it is about illiciting fear through empathy, Dracula succeeds where Lore Olympus fails. Lore Olympus, before all else, is a romance. And rape should not be in a romantic story. Especially not when the narrative of LO uses this trauma to validate the relationship between the two leads. I'm not a fan of stories that use trauma to validate a relationship between romantic interests, and I think that partly stems from reading the Phantom of the Opera.

If you ask me, Phantom of the Opera is one if the best books to discuss abuse and gaslighting ever written! Despite misconceptions generated by the popularity of the musical, PotO is very much a horror story with hardly any romance at all. And it's one of the best examples about why using trauma to validate a romance is a very bad idea! You see, all the conflict of the story begins with The Phantom and his trauma. He was born with multiple physical deformities that cause him to look like a living corpse. Because of this, he is despised and rejected by the world in order to escape the hatred of the world, he commissions the construction of the Paris Opera House, complete with intricate catacombs where he can live out the rest of his miserable days. Then one day, a woman named Christine comes to work at the Opera as a chorus girl. She is sad and alone due to her being orphaned, without a friend in the world. She too is emotionally damaged and the Phantom thinks this means she'll understand him. The trouble begins instantly when he claims to be a character from a folktale that Christine's father used to tell her. This is when the manipulation and gaslighting begins. Part of what makes this so effective is how we see it from an outside perspective. The protagonist, Raoul, is in love with Christine and we get to see his confusion and growing concern when he starts realizing Christine is showing signs of an abusive relationship. What makes the relationship even worse is the fact that Christine actually does understand The Phantom. So she doesn't run away not only out of fear, but also compassion. She knows what it's like to feel isolated and dead to the world and The Phantom uses that against her. The more I describe this, the more parallels I begin to see to Hades' and Minthe's relationship. Yes, Minthe abused Hades in much of the same way as The Phantom abused Christine. Notice how Minthe keeps convincing Hades that they're the only people who understand each other, even going so far as to say, "We're the same." The funny thing is, that's exactly what the narrative uses to validate Hades' and Persephone's relationship! It tries to establish that Hades and Persephone relate to each other and they say, several times, "We're the same," to each other. But this is exactly how Hades got stuck in a toxic relationship with Minthe, so why is it suddenly okay now? Relationships that use shared trauma to validate themselves are almost always doomed to become toxic, in one way or another.

So what about the healthy relationship in Phantom of the Opera? Well, it's kinda interesting actually. You see, Christine eventually comes to realize that she needs help, so she turns to the protagonist, Raoul, to get her away from the Phantom. Raoul has an interesting character arc because he starts the novel being pretty immature and kinda selfish. He doesn't really take Christine's feelings into consideration. It's more like a boy chasing his childhood crush (actually that's exactly what happens). However, over the course of the story, as he becomes increasingly concerned with her well-being, he learns to care more about her feelings and her needs. This culminates in the climax, when he's willing to crawl through hell itself for her sake. I bring all this up because I wanted to compare Raoul with Hades as well. Hades is a very consistent character. He doesn't need an arc like Raoul because, from the very beginning, he's willing to put all of Persephone's needs before his, to a fault! That is his entire purpose within the narrative of LO. He exists to serve Persephone. Raoul didn't exist to serve Christine. He had his own journey of growing and maturing. And Christine didn't exist to serve Raoul either. It bothers me that a novel from 1910 has a more well-rounded relationship than a modern comic! Actually, now that I think about it, isn't Persephone's entire character arc supposed to be her learning that she shouldn't exist to serve others? Well, that totally contradicts Hades' role in the story, doesn't it? He exists to serve her! I guess, in the eyes of LO, it's only okay if men serve women, but not for women to serve men. Newsflash: neither is okay.

Now Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1931) remains, to this day, one of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen! That's all thanks to its brutal depictions of domestic abuse. So Dr. Henry Jekyll believes the solution to enlightening the human race is to separate the good and evil in our souls. He solves this problem by creating a drug to do just that, which transforms him into Edward Hyde, but he becomes addicted and starts terrorizing a woman who was once a former patient of his. I think what makes this so effective, when compared to LO, is one simple factor: Fear. I am terrified of Edward Hyde, but whenever Apollo shows up, I'm just annoyed. That's because Hyde isn't being used to sell an agenda, while Apoll is. Apollo is all about making a statement about toxic masculinity, which always bothered me from the very beginning! Being an abusive cunt who rapes women has nothing to do with masculinity! It doesn't matter if you're masculine or feminine, anyone can be a cunting abusive rapist. If you are a rapist, it's because you're a monster who lacks empathy, not because of masculinity. And if you think masculinity has something to do with a lack of empathy, fuck off! Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is not about toxic masculinity. It's about how drug addiction can often hurt other people around us just as much, if not moreso, than ourselves. It also doesn't use rape to validate a relationship between characters. I'm sorry, but that is just the laziest storytelling technique. When the antagonist is a rapist OF COURSE the male love interest is going to look better by comparison! But when you take Apollo out of the equation, Hades stops looking like a desirable love interest real fucking quick.

So yeah, I think Hades makes for a bad love interest. That's mostly because he's so much like Shinji Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion. Yeah, the one title from the list above that's not a horror, but is no less relevant. The thing is, both Hades and Shinji have a lot in common, such as hating themselves, having a bad relationship with their father, and not caring at all about their own wants and needs. Oh, also Asuka's a better written character than Minthe, but that's a whole other topic. What makes Evangelion work, in my opinion, is that Shinji's whole journey is about learning to love himself, while Hades is portrayed as being perfect the way he is. Hades in LO is like a flawless beacon of virtue, solely because he worships the ground Persephone walks on. But the guy just doesn't care about himself at all! Like I said earlier, Hades guilty of the same self-destructive behaviors as Persephone but he's praised for it, while Persephone is encouraged to look after herself more often. Compare this to Shinji, whose life only gets worse the more he neglects himself. The only time Hades does something beneficial for himself is when he breaks up with Minthe, but immediately after that, he starts devoting every ounce of energy to Persephone! All that matters is her! He doesn't give a single fuck about himself. Sorry, but that's not good qualities in a male love interest. In all fairness, this is a problem with the romance genre as a whole. Most romances give priority to the protagonist (in this case Persephone) while neglecting the love interest (Hades). It's why I have a serious problem with the entire genre.

Now what could Silent Hill 2 have that is in any way relevant to Lore Olympus? Two words: Nightmare Fuel. Personifying trauma as literal demons is one of the smartest ideas anyone's ever had, because speaking from personal experience, that's how it feels. I just don't feel like the trauma experienced by the characters in LO is a waking nightmare like it is in real life. For one, the characters' trauma only pops up when it's convenient for the plot. Like whenever Persephone starts experiencing ptsd, it happens when she's with Hades so we can get a scene with Hades cuddling her. After that, it shows up in a scene to make her look badass by confronting Apollo. No, just no. The Howling did it better too, by making the protagonist's trauma such an inconvenience in her life! I never felt that way in LO. When you uss traumatic encounters to make your character look like a badass, kindly fuck off.

#lore olympus

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songtoyou · 4 years

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Epiphany - Part Three

Paring: Luke Crain x Female Reader

Chapter Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 3,136

Warnings: Talks of drug use and recovery.

Description: Life has never been easy for Luke Crain. After the death of Nell, Luke realizes that he needs to make some changes. He decided to stay in Massachusetts and attend rehab. He was determined to remain on his path of sobriety. When you get assigned to be Luke’s sponsor, it opens a new door of possibilities that neither you nor Luke expected.

A/N: We learn a little bit more about the Reader as she heads to Shirley's for dinner. Awkwardness occurs, but Reader slowly realizes she may have deeper feelings for Luke or possibly develop feelings for him. Which she quickly dismisses. This chapter was very easy to write. It was like the words just flowed out of me and onto the screen. That usually never happens. I think it helps that Luke is such an interesting character to write for, along with the other Crain siblings.

Note: Italics represent the past or past conversations.

Feedback is wonderful. It is nice knowing if people are actually liking this fic.

I do not permit my work to be posted on any other site without my permission.

~Hill House – 1992~

“Mommy,” spoke Nellie.

“What is it, sweetie?” asked Olivia. She placed her book down to give her youngest child her undivided attention.

Nell got up on her mother’s lap and said, “This house is too loud.”

“Too loud? What do you mean it is too loud? Are you talking about all of the work daddy is doing to fix the house?” Olivia questioned. Nell’s statement took her by surprise.

Shaking her head, Nell explained that it was not the renovations that Hugh was doing that made the house loud. “At night, there are noises. Dogs are barking. You can hear the floorboards squeak like someone is up walking the halls at night. When Luke and I checked to see if anyone was up, there was no one. Everyone was in bed. It isn’t just me who thinks this house is weird. Luke says it has a smell.”

“Sweetie, this is an ancient house. Weird noises and bad smells are bound to occur,” replied Olivia earnestly. “Trust me. There is nothing in this house that can hurt you. Not while your daddy and I are around. We will always protect you and your brothers and sisters. Okay.”

Nell looked up at her mother with her big hazel eyes and said, “You promise?”

“Pinky promise,” Olivia assured and held up her right pinky. With their little fingers intertwined, Olivia rested her head on Nell’s forehead. No one could deny that Olivia loved her children very much. They were her whole world. She would do anything to keep them safe from harm. Little did anyone know how far Olivia would go to keep her children safe.

“Fuck,” Luke let out and sighed. He was currently working on his final essay for his creative writing class. The assignment was to write a 1,000 essay about an event that happened in their life and turn it into a story. Luke was chop full of moments to choose from; however, he was unsure if writing about his mother and sister was appropriate. He talked with his instructor about his reservations on the subject. He did not want to be accused of copying Steve on writing about Hill House. To Luke, that time at Hill House was just as much his story as it was Steve’s, or Theo’s and Shirley’s.

But with the right encouragement and support, Luke felt more comfortable writing about his past. It turned out to be very therapeutic. He was finally able to complete the fourth step of recovery: ‘Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.’ He sent letters to each of his siblings, expressing his gratitude for their support and apologized for his past behavior of lying, untrustworthiness, and addiction. Shirley and Theo were appreciative of the letters, along with Steve. All three of the older Crain continued to express to Luke that they were proud of him for staying on the straight and narrow path. The Crain siblings knew they all had a clean slate to restore their once broken family.

Unfortunately, there would be times where Luke worried that everything would come to a crashing halt. That he would wake in the Red Room once again. That all of this could be fake like His sobriety, the strengthened relationships with his siblings, being in school, and most of all, his friendship with you. The Red Room was the stomach of Hill House, as Nell mentioned. It would eventually eat anything and everyone that came into its residence. It was how the world between the dead and the living coexisted.

He brought this fear up the day before you were to come over to Shirley’s house for dinner. The one thing Luke really appreciated about you was that you always validated his feelings. You never doubted his feelings or worries. You never tried to gaslight him or thought he was making stuff up. It was refreshing to have someone believe him right off the bat. Well, besides Nell. She always believed him. You sent Luke some articles about how the brain can differentiate between reality and imagination. It was intriguing for Luke to read about the way the brain processes information. You shared that you had the same issues early on in your sobriety.

“For me, while I am dreaming, the way I can differentiate that it is not reality is that sometimes I have trouble walking in dreams. It is like my legs are refusing to work,” you told Luke. “I looked up what that meant, and it indicates that I am hesitant in proceeding forward in situations or I am trying to distance myself from facing certain life experiences, which didn’t surprise me. We all have obstacles that we don’t always want to face.”

“That is good to know. Lately, I have been dreaming that I can’t dial a phone. Like, I am trying to put in the number but keep making mistakes, or I can’t remember the number. It’s weird. What do you think that means?” asked Luke.

You told him to hold on as you looked up his concern. “It says that ‘the non-working phone or the inability to dial the phone indicates a breakdown of communication. Or the feeling of being distant or not heard when you need help. Is this the first time having these dreams?” you asked Luke.

Letting out a sigh, Luke responded, “Yes, which is weird to have them now. I don’t feel like I am having trouble communicating. Maybe it is my self-consciousness that has some issues it still needs to resolve. Before that, I would dream that my teeth would fall out. I actually dreamt about them falling out last night.”

“I used to have those dreams too. There are different meanings behind teeth falling out in dreams. Sometimes it is associated with loss, important life changes, a feeling of powerlessness, or stress, anxiety, depression, and poor personal health,” you provided to Luke.

Luke chuckled. “I have experienced all of that and more. I guess it is part of the course.”

To say that Luke had some anxiety about tonight's dinner with Shirley, Theo, and you would have been an understatement. The last thing Luke wanted was a repeat of the dinner with Joey, Steve, and Leigh. Granted, his sister-in-law was nice that night; however, his brother, not so much. Of course, that was when he and Steve did not have the best of relationships. This would be different. You definitely were not like Joey and his sisters…well…that is why he put forth some rules.

He was watching Shirley move back and forth in the kitchen as she prepared dinner. She asked Luke about possible meals that you would like so she could make something that you would enjoy. Luke shared that you liked almost everything and that you were not too picky of an eater. Shirley decided on making lasagna as it was Kevin and her kids' favorite dishes of hers. As she was already finishing up the last layer, Luke did not have the heart to inform Shirley that lasagna was not one of your favorite foods.

Soon, Theo walked through the front door of Shirley's house carrying additional groceries. "I got the wine. It's red. Your friend can drink wine?" she asked Luke as she set down the bags on the counter.

Luke mentioned that you do not drink. "Oh well, more for me," teased Theo.

Shirley confirmed with Luke that you would bring dessert. She wanted everything nice for tonight. She knew this was important for Luke, and he wanted everything to go right just as well.

"Now that you both are here, can we go over some ground rules for tonight," said Luke.

"Come on, Luke. It's just dinner with your sponsor," Theo spoke up.

"No, Theo, this isn't just dinner with my sponsor. This is dinner with my friend. Someone who I have come greatly respect and admire. I don't want either of you…to make her feel uncomfortable in any way. No interrogations or psychoanalyzing," Luke ordered.

"Okay, Luke. We promise not to step out of bounds," Shirley assured. "Right, Theo?"

Holding up the girl scout's sign, "I, Theodora Crain, pledge not to embarrass you in any way."

As Shirley and Theo stifled laughs about their little brother's worry, Luke leaned against the counter and contemplated on the next thing to tell them. He decided to the best way was, to be honest with them. Luke interrupted his sisters' conversation to inform them that he told you about Hill House…about everything that occurred.

"You what?" Shirley questioned, unsure of what he actually meant. "What do you mean? What did you share?"

"When you say everything…do you mean everything, everything?" asked Theo with a hint of irritation in her voice.

"She knows what really happened to mom, Nell, and dad," Luke replied and mentioned that it was important for him to tell you the truth. "I don't regret it. If the two of you are upset, then be upset with me. Just don't take it out on her, okay." He wanted Shirley and Theo to understand that you meant well. That you had no ulterior motives. "This isn't like Nell and her shrink. I know, deep down, that you were worried about that being a possibility, Theo."

The light slam of the oven door made Theo and Luke turn their attention to Shirley. "Okay, lasagna is in the oven. It should be done when our guest arrives. Luke, do you mind setting the table. Theo, start making the salad," Shirley ordered. This night was important for Luke, and by golly, she was going to see that it goes accordingly.

“Mom…Dad, I’m heading out. I should be home by 9 o’clock or earlier if tonight goes south,” You shouted while putting on your jacket. Before you could grab your keys and head out the door, your mother popped in suddenly from the kitchen.

“Honey, where are you going?”

You could not stop the annoyed sigh from escaping. “I told you. I’m going over to Luke’s for dinner tonight. I have told you and Dad this many times already. Now, I don’t want to be late…”

“Hold up there, kiddo. You don’t forget this,” Your dad emerged with the cake box.

“Oh shit! Thanks. I can’t believe I almost forgot the dessert.” You grabbed the cake box and made your way back towards the front door.

“Call us when you get there, sweetie,” requested your mother.

“I’ll text you when I get Shirley’s house, okay. Now, I have to get going.”

“Ask Luke if he would like to come over here for dinner,” your mother offered. “I know your father, and I would love to meet him.”

“Mom now is not the time. I’m out of here. Love you both. Don’t wait up,” You replied and walked out the door to your car. Letting out another sigh, you started the care and proceeded to drive to Luke’s.

You knew that your parents meant well. They loved you very much. While there were times both could be very overbearing, you understood where it came from and could not fault them for it. It was just them being protective of you. At the end of the day, they would always worry about you. The constant worries your mother and father felt towards you could be jarring at times. All you wanted for them was to trust you fully. However, it shamed you the number of times you let them down. Luke shared with you the troubles he had with completing the fourth step. You told him you were not able to tackle it until the first year of your sobriety.

“We have all done shitty things to the people we love. To the people who stood by us while we walked all over them. I’m surprised my parents stood by me for so long. Sometimes I wished they had given up and just let me go to die on the streets,” you revealed honestly to Luke the night after going to the movies. “They didn’t deserve the constant Hell I put them through. I because I couldn’t handle certain…things… feelings…. emotions. The problem was…that I felt weak if I wasn’t taking heroin. Shooting up made me feel invincible. Like, nothing could touch me. I guess you know that feeling all too well, huh, Luke?”

“Yeah. I guess that is why we choose to shoot up in the first place. To not feel like ourselves. In some cases, to not feel at all. I know for me, it was to get some sense of peace,” Luke countered truthfully.

For some reason, it felt like it took longer than usual to arrive at Shirley’s house, which would have normally taken ten minutes. Every traffic light seemed to turn red as soon as you got closer. When you finally reached your destination, a quick text was sent off to your parents to let them know you arrived safely. Gathering your bag and cake box, you exited the car and walked the front doorsteps. You rang the doorbell and waited.

Thankfully, it was Luke who answered the door with a sweet smile on his face.

“Hi,” he said and ushered you to come inside.

“Hey,” you replied, wiping your shoes before stepping in the house.

You handed over the cake box to Luke, who then asked, “What kind of dessert did you bring?”

“Baklava cheesecake. It is a new item at the bakery that we’re selling.”

“Sounds really good. Uh, look, just fair warning,” Luke began to speak in a whisper, “Shirley made lasagna. I hope that is okay. I know it’s…”

“It’s fine, Luke. I can muster up the courage to eat lasagna for one night,” you answered with a light chuckle.

As you hung up your coat and bag, Shirley and Theo entered the foyer. Both said hello, and Theo introduced herself. Luke stood back as he eyed his sisters closely to make sure they both remained on their best behavior.

“It is nice to meet you finally. Luke has been keeping you all to himself, so we are glad you could come over,” Theo mentioned while leading you into the kitchen to get you something to drink. Shirley took the cake box from Luke and followed the two women.

“Oh wow!” exclaimed Shirley when she opened the box. “This looks really good. Did you make this?”

“No. Sophie, the owner of the bakery I work at did. She does most of the actual baking. I help with cake decorations. She’s a longtime family friend, so I work there to help out when she needs it,” you shared as Theo handed you a glass of iced tea.

“How about we go sit in the living room,” Shirley instructed everyone out of the kitchen. “We have about fifteen minutes until dinner is ready.”

You sat next to Luke on the loveseat while Shirley and Theo took the couch. An awkward silence ensued, with no one really knowing what to say. You could feel each of the Crain siblings’ emotions, which ranged from curiosity from Theo, indifference from Shirley, and anxiousness from Luke. You felt a strong urge to reach out to Luke to help calm him, whether it be holding his hand, linking your arm with his, or placing a gentle hand on his knee. It was a weird feeling for you to have since Luke was not only your friend but mentee. Now a sense of guilt took over you.

You were Luke’s sponsor. There is no way you could develop any deeper feelings for the man sitting next to you other than friends. It would be unethical. Luke trusted you. Breaking his trust or misguiding him would lead to a horrible conclusion. It could lead to the ultimate betrayal. When you felt a pair of eyes on you, it made you look up to see Theo staring as she took sips of her drink. You could tell she was assessing you in any way she could. You noticed the gloves on her hands, which reminded you of the story Luke shared about Theo’s ability to feel emotions through touch. You are tempted to say, “fuck it!” and give Theo your hand for her to take to get it out of the way.

“So…,” Shirley spoke up when she said your name, “Luke shared with us that you attend Middlesex Community College as an art major.”

“Yes. Studio art, to be exact. My mom really would rather I do graphic design, though. So, I might do that when I get this degree program wrapped up,” you revealed.

Awkward silence resumed. “I have some of her artwork,” Luke piped up. “It is amazing. Like, crazy good.”

“Where did you learn how to draw?” Shirley asked.

“It was just something that I always liked doing. It helped calm me when I was…not feeling the best. I guess during my stints at different rehabs throughout the years helped…build up my artistic skills,” you replied.

You noticed Luke began shaking his right leg at the mention of rehab. You reached out to touch his left arm, and he looked over at you. “Have either of you read any of Luke’s stories he has written for school?” you asked Shirley and Theo.

“No!” Theo piped in and added, “Our little brother tends to keep his writings all to himself.”

“Well, from what he has shared with me, he is an excellent writer,” you stated. “Did you tell them about the ‘A’ you got on your last assignment?”

“Uh…no. I hadn’t,” Luke said and immediately got up from the couch. “Hey, shouldn’t dinner be done, Shirley?”

“Oh shoot. That is right. Let me go get the lasagna out of the oven.”

“I’ll get the salad and bread on the table,” asserted Theo and followed Shirley back into the kitchen.

Luke let out the breath he was holding and turned to look at you.

“Are you okay, Luke?” you asked him.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“You three seem a tad on edge. Is there any safe topic your family can talk about?” you enquired.

“Not really. I know them. They want to ask you about your addiction story and how you overcame it…all that stuff.”

“You know what…fuck it. Let’s you and I control the conversation by talking about the things we talk about, like movies, television shows, music, books…all of the stuff we talk about regularly. If your sisters join in, then that is great—the more, the merrier. But let’s not waste a whole evening because we’re worried about what your sisters think of me…or you,” you encouraged Luke.

Letting out another breath, Luke agreed. “Okay, that sounds good. You take the lead, and I’ll follow.”

“Will do,” you smiled and pushed Luke towards the dining room.

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