#goddamn I wrote a lot about something that doesn't even matter

[olderthannetfic]

Something that frustrates me about the Harry Potter conversation is a lot of people missing the point behind the motivation to boycott it. They seem weirdly focused on the content of HP when it's actually... not that bad? It's not perfect, in fact a lot of aspects are pretty fucking problematic and worthy of discussion, but not uniquely so by the standards of the fantasy genre. Yes, I know the goblins are clearly drawing on anti-semitic tropes. Yes, the house elf situation is fucked. Yes, lots of not-like-other-girls-style misogyny. Yes, Cho Chang was a fucking disaster of racism. I KNOW THIS ALREADY! I'm not an idiot and Harry Potter fans were talking about this for far longer than JKR has been a TERF. But I'm also a fan of the Elder Scrolls and Dragon Age and the Witcher and a shitton of isekai anime and tons of other fantasy medias which are so much worse. Harry Potter is only moderately problematic by the standards of most popular fantasy media, especially for the mainstream standards of the time period it was written. Worthy of criticism, but not dropping it entirely. And actually reading HP and looking back at JKR's behaviour at the time, much of it seems largely unintentional, just that JKR drew on a lot of fantasy tropes that she didn't properly examine as well as her own unexamined biases and she had some flawed understandings of progressivism that were fair for its day but don't fly now, but doesn't seem malicious. The actual authorial intent at least seems to be pretty progressive at least, even if the execution wasn't the best. And sure, it's not a masterwork but there's a reason it connected to so many people, even if a lot of it was luck and timing. We don't have to ignore that and doing so feels dishonest.

I'm just so annoyed when people try to shit on the contents because they're missing the point and confuse the actual problem in a way that weakens their argument. I don't give Harry Potter money anymore because JKR crossed some lines for me in real life, totally separate from Harry Potter as a piece of media, and I don't want to fund her bullshit because she is so influential it is hurting people. The content of her books is utterly irrelevant to this decision. She could have penned a goddamn magnum opus and it wouldn't have mattered. So I'm sick of people bringing up books that are "better" or ragging on the contents of Harry Potter because none of that is the point and never was the point and it comes across as just taking advantage of a shitty situations to dunk on a popular thing or those who enjoyed it. Yeah, it was a mediocre fantasy series. But it hit the right emotional escapist buttons in a lot of kids even if it had the moral nuance and depth of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles anti-drug PSA. Having to drop it sucked for a lot of people because it can't be replaced and yelling about how bad the writing was doesn't change that because it never was about quality. JKR's TERF transformation was in many ways a betrayal of JKR's intended audience considering how the text preached acceptance and love and starred an abused, unwanted child getting to go to magic school where he's special. Pretending Harry Potter should be dropped because its content has issues obscures the actual problem of a raging transphobic having money and influence and that not everything created by bad people is poor quality so boycotts might require giving up access to things you actually like or are valuable and that's not always an easy decision to make.

JKR was a probably decent person with fairly liberal politics when she wrote Harry Potter. The books, while imperfect, are not more horrible or full of problems a dozen other popular fantasy properties. JKR become a TERF later in life and while she may have had ingrained transphobia prior to this when she wrote Harry Potter, that is not the same as the virulent hate-movement she's part of now and we should recognize how easy it is for people to get drawn into hate-movements. Any argument to boycott should be about how she's using her money and influence to affect real life laws and attitudes unless you want to try and get people to also drop half the fantasy genre.

--

[shiny-jr]

Hellooo I found your work and have been binging it all and I saw that you didn't mind the feedback, so here goes

The retainer!mc felt too much like the YA book trope of 'edgy' Mc, like trying to show a cool and collected vibe but ends up like bella from twilight in a not so flattering way, the others felt like they did something or had the bases for the cast obsession on them to grow, this mc for me missed the mark, and I did felt like stopping mid read because I found them uninteresting, but all the others delivered for me so, I wanted to know how it ended

Also in a post you said about the retainer being important to vil, then shouldn't he show a threat or something to the new one? At least suspicion I guess, it felt to smooth for the MC unlike others

Anon, I saw this message not long after you sent it, but as mentioned in the last post, I got so busy I couldn't respond. But trust me when I say this: your words haunted me.

Don't worry, I'm not offended at all. I welcome the criticism, but goddamn this one... Look, usually when I get criticism, I nod, go "aight", and move on. I don't get offended when people critique my works. But yours legit made me clutch my heart? My pearls? Idk. I was baffled. That one kinda hurted, not gonna lie.

Let me tell you, I've been writing since about 2016. I like to think I have definitely improved. I've gotten countless messages and comments in the years since. Some good, some bad, most good, a few worse. However, I have never really cared in the sense where it stuck with me. But bro, when I tell you this felt like a slap in the face. A bucket of cold icy water being dumped on my head. Don't worry though. It was a probably well deserved metaphorical slap.

The point is, your words were at the back of my head for like a week. I actually discussed it with a mutual, and I think I figured it out. I wrote Pomefiore differently. Pomefiore is the sole result that just feels like its for the simps, probably because I was thinking of them the most when writing it. It was unintentional, I think, but that's the reason I came up with my mind.

Anyways, like I said, not at all offended. Just kinda an eye-opening comment, I suppose. I'm not really bothered if it's not your favorite, because a lot of other people seem to like it. And if there's one thing I learned after years of writing, is that you cannot win them all. No matter what you write, it won't appeal to everyone. That's literally impossible.

Okay, I digress, this has dragged on for too long, but I feel like I had to get that out there and share my response. Again, anon, thank you for your words! I appreciate it, even if it doesn't seem like it.

[thisapplepielife]

Written for @corrodedcoffinfest.

Reading Between the Lines

Day #31 - Your Song | Word Count: 1000 | Rating: T | CW: Language | POV: Goodie (Freak) | Pairing: Pre-Goodie/Gareth (Or Unrequited One-Sided, Your Choice) | Tags: Writing Songs, The Utter Embarrassment of Having a Crush You Don't Even Know You Had, Eddie is Good Friend, Open Ending

The papers are slightly crumpled in his hand, and Goodie tries to smooth them out on the workbench in the garage, hand moving over them, trying to iron out the wrinkles. It doesn't work very well, but it's fine. It's just Eddie. He's gonna make fun, no matter what, Goodie knows that, without a goddamn doubt. 

And Eddie's running late.

Which. Normal. 

But Goodie really wanted to show him this alone, before Jeff and Gareth rolled in. Just to see if it's anything. He's pretty sure it's not. But it's the only song he's ever really written.

Eddie reads the lyrics once, twice, then he looks up at Goodie.

"This is great, Goods," he says, and Goodie feels his face go red. He's not the writer in the band, not at all, but this had come to him, basically writing itself, and he'd just jotted it all down.

"A few things we could improve on to really polish it, but," Eddie says, holding his eyes, "I don't think we can use this."

And Goodie deflates.

He didn't actually think they would, not really, but he'd gotten his hopes up, just a little, when Eddie had said it was good. Great, actually.

He's written something Eddie thinks is great, and they can't even play it?

"You don't like it?" Goodie asks.

"I love it," Eddie says with a smile, "I really do. You did a great job. I didn't know you wrote lyrics."

"I don't, not usually," Goodie admits, because he doesn't. Just the rhythm parts of songs with Gareth, as they find their groove, their place, as the backbone of the band. Working together, hammering it out, making sure they can slide into the pocket together and keep everything else on track and on time.

If they aren't in sync, the band can't be. That's just how it works. 

Eddie's still reading the lyrics, over and over, like he's trying to memorize these words. 

Goodie feels terribly exposed. 

"And you don't think we could, I don't know, salvage any of it? Maybe you could rewrite the stuff that sucks."

"Goods. It's great, as is. Honest. It's a love song," Eddie says, and Goodie nods. It is. It definitely is.

"And?"

Eddie looks at him, big eyes as wide as they ever are, "It's a little on the nose."

"It is?" Goodie asks, because he hadn't written it about anyone specific, he didn't think. It was just shower thoughts, put to the page.

"It's about Gareth, right?"

Goodie snatches the papers back, wrinkling them further. What the fuck is Eddie seeing here? It's definitely not about Gareth. 

"No," he stresses, "no way. Why would you think that?" 

Eddie pats the empty chair and grabs his pen. He leaves the cap on, not making any marks, but tracing lines, and breaking them down. Reading between the lines that Goodie hadn't even realized were there.

Goddamnit. 

Eddie has a point. Even if it's all bullshit, even if it's only all Eddie's own interpretation. It's not unbelievable. 

Goodie can see it. 

And he's embarrassed. 

"It's okay. I won't say anything," Eddie says, and it's a kindness. Eddie is an asshole, a lot. Loud and rude. But Goodie knows he won't use this against him. Believes that, without a doubt. 

He could. Easily. Either run and tell Gareth this juicy gossip. Or hold it over Goodie's head, as blackmail. 

But he knows Eddie. 

He won't do either of those things. 

Gareth rolls in, and taps his drumstick on Goodie's shoulder on the way by, just a friendly hello, and Goodie wants to sink into the ground. Be swallowed up.

He's humiliated. 

"Goodie said he had a song," Gareth says, sitting down behind his kit, "we gonna play it?"

"It sucked," Goodie says, "right, Eddie?"

"Yeah. Big time," Eddie lies, helping him out, "I said no fucking way are we playing that. It's the worst piece of shit-"

"Alright," Goodie says, laughing, cutting Eddie off. He wanted help, not evisceration. 

"It can't be that bad. You let us play that song I wrote about squirrels," Gareth argues.

Goodie laughs. He'd forgotten about Squirrel Song. It's been years.

"It can't be worse than that," Gareth says, trying to help him out. Goodie wishes he'd just let it go. 

"Nothing will ever be worse than Squirrel Song," Eddie snarks, "But it didn't fit our sound." 

"How come?" Gareth asks, "It's not like he wrote the music? We can take anything and shine it up. Make it our sound. That's our biggest strength." 

Gareth's not wrong. He's not. They could turn it into something. Goodie's sure of it. And maybe Gareth would never suspect. He's not exactly as lyrically-minded as Eddie. More willing to take things at face value and not dig deeper. 

But he may or may not have written a fucking love song about his friend without realizing it. He's mortified that Eddie knows, and it'll be over his dead body before Gareth finds out.

He can't risk it. 

Especially when he doesn't even know how he feels about it. Does he have a crush on Gareth? He didn't think so. But those words? 

They're damning. 

Jeff had to leave early for his orthodontist appointment, so Gareth is taking him home in the El Camino. 

Goodie should've just risked his life and rode with Eddie. 

He feels awkward. 

He wishes he'd never shown Eddie. 

"Eddie was a dick for saying no before we could even try to write music to it. We could have made it into something." 

"Eh, it wasn't very good." 

"Can I look? Maybe it's something we could work on together." 

Goodie's face is on fire. This cannot be happening.

"I don't think so," Goodie says, and Gareth's shoulders turn inward, like he's been rejected. 

Goodie hates it.

When they pull into his driveway, uncomfortable silence stretching between them, and in a fit of insanity, Goodie opens his backpack, handing over the lyrics. 

Gareth smiles at him, bright and happy, as he starts reading. 

If you want to write your own, or see more entries for this challenge, pop on over to @corrodedcoffinfest and follow along with the fun! 🦇

[staceymcgillicuddy]

annual writing self-evaluation

Thanks to @astorytotellyourfriends for the tag - I didn't do this last year!

1. List of works published this year (in the order that they were posted):

If She Lived in Space, Man, I'd Build A Plane crimson & clover pulling overtime model citizen; zero discipline what you give just serves me right two jack trippers and a chrissy perception check all my kinktober fills a hollow tree

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Gosh, that's hard. I'm proud of all of them for different reasons, and I have issues with all of them for different reasons. I guess I would say "what you give just serves me right" makes me happy, and was something I had to push myself to do, but I was pleased with how it turned out in the end.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I hate that I have two fics out that I haven't updated in ages! I am not proud of that! And there are a few things in all of them that I'd tweak.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Oh golly. Alright, from a hollow tree, which was my Halloween fic featuring Lilith!succubus!Chrissy:

Fog slips into the van when he opens the door. A mist so thick it’s disorienting as he drops to the ground, and the shape of a girl forms itself out of the gloom.

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

Almost every single regular commenter on Soul makes my heart sing and my panties drop, and I'm so sorry my brain is being stupid right now.

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Right goddamn now. It's like squeezing blood from a fucking stone, and I have no idea why, but everything comes out strained and blechy and I hate it, and I refuse to inflict it on anyone else so I'll just sit like a lump, churning out crap and never showing it to anyone.

7. A scene or character that you wrote that surprised you:

Genuinely did not think that I would get so into the Hopper/Chrissy/Eddie dynamic as I did when I wrote it as a crackship as part of kinktober. But, like, I could get DOWN with that shit.

Also, Hellcheerington surprised me. Oh, and writing Eddie's dad for Soul was weirdly cathartic? I was determined to make him a person and not a collection of cliches, which was easier said than done. I think I got there, in the end. Hope so, anyway!

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I didn't, I fucking regressed. Or, no, not really. I pushed myself a bit, tried to get sharper and cleaner with some prose. Read some theory books, worked on my rhetorical devices, forced myself to kill a couple darlings along the way (but not all the darlings, god damn it).

I also published a book, so yay?

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I'd like to get back to writing original fiction. I've been in a slump with that, too, because it doesn't have the instantaneous feedback that fanfic does. I want to split my time between fic and pro writing stuff, and I want to be very realistic about how much mental energy my real job takes up. When I used to write like a madwoman, I didn't have the role I currently do, which is a senior project manager leading a team, working mostly with executive-level staff. Don't get me wrong, my job pisses me off a lot, and stresses me out, too, but it pays well and we live in a shithole of a society where money matters in the grand scheme of things.

So, like, I guess I hope to grow as a writer in writing even when my brain doesn't want me to, or it doesn't feel great to do so.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Freaking Shirley Jackson, man. That bitch can write.

11. Anything in your real life show up in your writing this year:

I'm always putting kinky shit I see or experience at the bdsm club into my fic. I am as God made me.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Everything is made up and the points don't matter. Stop comparing yourself to other authors. Turn off stats on your AO3. Write what you fucking want and quit worrying if other people are going to like it.

13. Any new projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I'm going to be so, so glad when Soul is done because I love it so much but it is also the millstone around my neck.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read:

@binickandros, @pipergirl17 and @phoenixwrites please!

[shadowmaat]

Artificial Incompetence

The conversations around "artificial intelligence" are getting a bit bonkers. Not that they're really conversations so much as screaming matches. And not that we're talking about true artificial intelligence so much as algorithm blending programs.

I don't like the recent fad of ABPs. It has a lot of the same earmarks and defenders as NFTs had, and boy howdy did that not work out well for folks. I don't think ABPs have been tied to the fake currency market, but their current implementation is still going to do more harm than good, in my opinion.

I'm not gonna say that writing or art should be "hard" or that people need to "struggle" in order to create things. I do, however, believe that they need to do the goddamn work themselves. Feeding prompts into a content generator doesn't make you a writer or artist. Well, scam artist, maybe. It's taking words/brush strokes from someone else and claiming credit for it. Even if you mention you used an ABP you still didn't create the art yourself, you just fed a program some prompts or the name of some artists you like and it spat out something you claimed as your own.

That's one of the big hangups I have with this fad: taking credit for someone else's work. Reaping all the perceived benefits (kudos, reblogs, etc) without actually doing anything to earn it.

If I give someone a prompt and they write a fic based on it, that story isn't mine. Sure, they might mention I gave them the prompt, but they were the one to write the actual story. Not me. My name doesn't go on the author line and I can't boast to others about the fic I wrote. Because I didn't.

I'm all for accessibility tools to help people complete tasks, and if ABPs were being widely used to help make creative efforts more accessible, I might have a different opinion. As it stands, however, the vast majority of people currently using ABPs aren't using them to help with their own creativity, they're using them as a substitute.

The arguments about data scraping and plagiarism are important, especially if we want to make sure that ABPs stop doing that, but from where I stand it still all boils down to people trying to loophole past responsibility and effort.

It gets worse when you switch gears from fic writing to essays and articles. At least in fiction stuff is supposed to be made up, so, all jokes aside, if some details are wrong it doesn't really matter.

When students start submitting essays to their teachers that they didn't write or sites try using an ABP to write articles, facts become a lot more important. And ABPs are infamous for making shit up whole cloth, even to the point of citing imaginary sources for their facts. That is, quite frankly, dangerous.

You think the past few years (decades, centuries) of misinformation have been bad? It can get a whole lot worse. These programs can seed in just enough "real" information to sell their bullshit as legitimate, and if even some experts have to double-check stuff to figure out what's false, where does that leave the rest of us? Especially all the ones who don't fact check at all before reblogging/believing something they read?

I think the future of artificial intelligence- real artificial intelligence- could be incredibly cool, and when the first AI submits a fic to AO3 I hope I'm around to read it. Right now, though, it's less about exploring potential and all about exploiting it.

[shadow-turtle-234]

Lemme rant about the Goddamn Megamind sequel

Okay, found out something today that many may not know: writers Alan Schoolcraft and Brent Simons are returning for the series, but they are not involved with the writing for this, like they did in the original.

They are executive producers, according to NBC's own report on the series. They mention that they wrote the original film, but said nothing about if they are writing. While the Wikipedia article also claims that the pair are also writing the series, there is no sources to back the claim up. A twitter post from Simons mentioned that they were in the writers room, yes, but due to a likely NDA, he couldn't just say how good/bad the quality of the writing is. The article also states that, "The original writers of the film, Alan Schoolcraft and Brent Simons, are signed on as executive producers with Celebrity Deathmatch creator Eric Fogel. JD Ryznar will be co-executive producer and story editor." Even Simons' own Twitter handle say he is the co-creator/EP of the series but not the writer.

EPs are not the same as writers in the field of animation, and in the field in general. They work more to consult while providing expertise on the matter as well as helping with fundraising for the project. I myself understand this. My class's animation, Star Fall, was going through a lot of story beats and changes, and all of us pitched in in making it as air tight as possible (in a four week time period). Obviously the main creator, Cory, she need me to make thumbnails and story boards for shots to make it make some form of sense. Could they have been consulted on for story beats and plot points? Of course, it isn't out of the realm of possibility. Frankly, I believe it is likely. Given that stuff from the art book exists, who is to say that they were given a go-ahead for a sequel and series, but have someone else write the series for them under Universal's demand?

Remember how Don Mancini turned down the title of Executive Producer when the 2019 Child's Play reboot came out? He had little to no involvement with the film in general as they were practically changing a lot of things to fit the newer script, and MGM were doing whatever they want despite the fact that it was he and David spent years putting everything into Chucky. And Don is not only the EP of his respective Child's Play/Chucky franchise, but he wrote the films and directed the series since Curse. And it is obvious that the 2019 reboot missed the mark as it, while being passible horror movie, wasn't as good as the OG.

I feel like a similar thing happened here; Schoolcraft and Simons were given an opportunity to get a Megamind sequel and sister series after fourteen years, but were only given only just a small amount to properly work on due to Universal's request. Still doesn't answer where the budget went to...

[greatwyrmgold]

I've been thinking about fan music.

Specifically, I've been thinking about "AD INFINITUM," a Deltarune song that wormed its way into my ear by being pretty good, then into my brain by having some flaws that are both obvious and interesting.

If I wanted to sell someone on "AD INFINITUM," I'd describe it as three parts "Rock Island," two parts other songs Robert Preston talk-sang (affectionate) in that musical, two parts the start of "Welcome to the Internet" (the wiki-walk through things you can do online), one part high-budget-Lin-Manuel-Miranda-imitation lyricism, flavored with the most iconic/annoying online advertising trends and a dash of overstimulated meltdown.

And if you know anything about Deltarune's second chapter, then it should be pretty clear why this fits Spamton. And it does! It sounds like it should be absolute chaos, but it's directed chaos. It comes together.

Except for the references.

See, if I described "AD INFINITUM" that way, I'd be lying by omission. It's also, conservatively, five parts overt reference to Deltarune. These references range from "Maybe someone unfamiliar with Deltarune would assume this was just marketing exaggeration or lolrandom humor" to "[HYPERLINK BLOCKED]". (By which I mean, even as someone who knows everything there is to know about Deltarune, the [HYPERLINK BLOCKED]s were distracting and irritating. Not enough to make me throw out what the song does well, but still.)

Contrast this with something like Gavin Dunne's "To Be Better."

On one hand, the musical style doesn't feel as tailored to Kratos as "AD INFINITUM" was to Spamton. It still fits, but it doesn't fit smoothy. On the other hand, it doesn't [HYPERLINK BLOCKED]. Despite the lack of [HYPERLINK BLOCKED], it evokes Kratos's post-2018 character and arc; learning to accept the past without binding the future.

It's a Kratos song as much as "AD INFINITUM" is a Spamton song, just not in ways that are fun to describe. But if you don't know GoW, you might not know if it wasn't for the game footage. There aren't any references that stand out as something unnatural to non-fans.

...

But this isn't exactly a fair comparison, is it? Miracle of Sound has been uploading songs for literally twice as long as the Stupendium. By the time Stupendium's first song was uploaded, Gavin had released an album of 100% original metal songs (not counting the ones based on Irish folklore/pirates) and wrote a song for a notable RPG (Wasteland 2, for the record). And it looks like Stupendium's first year was all covers (plus one Christmas rap)

Let's not forget, Gavin's breakout hit was goddamn "Commander Shepherd". If you haven't heard it before...well, it's called "Commander Shepherd." You can block a hyperlink, you can Mike '97, but you'll never be blunter than "Commander Shepherd". (..."leopard" is literally the only common word that rhymes with "Shepherd," I'm working with what I've got.)

And it's not even the bluntest song in Gavin's first album; that's probably either "The Ballad of Clay Carmine," "Mind of the Bat," or "Necromorph Soup". (Or "I Suck at Call of Duty," if we call that a CoD song and not a song about playing CoD.)

By the same token, the Stupendium's early songs are a lot...I don't want to say worse, but I don't like them as much, and they're definitely closer to "Commander Shepherd" than "AD INFINITUM" was.

This isn't a matter of Stupendium being worse than Miracle of Sound. It's a matter of original fandom songs being a weird thing. It's a friggin' oxymoron, it would be weirder if it wasn't a weird thing! And I've never participated in it, so maybe I shouldn't speculate about why this particular weird thing is weird...

...but I can't help myself.

I feel like it's got something to do with confidence. You make something like "Commander Shepherd" when you're writing for an audience that wants a Mass Effect song. Over time, you accumulate a fanbase that you can start writing for an audience that wants a Miracle of Sound song. Only then can you write something like "To Be Better".

Gavin Dunne clearly knows there are people who want Miracle of Sound songs. Basically every album he's released since Metal Up includes at least one song not inspired by a video game/movie/etc. This gives him confidence that he can write a God of War song that isn't the first thing you imagine when you hear "a song about God of War".

The Stupendium doesn't have that—doesn't have a dozen years of experience, an album of non-IP-based rap, songwriting credits in a medium-name game. "AD INFINITUM" is the best version of the first thing you imagine when you hear "a song about Spamton G. Spamton," but it is still a version of that thing, in ways that make it weaker.

If "AD INFINITUM" played its Spamton closer to the chest, I have to imagine it would be better—better as a sensory overload, as a Music Man homage, as music someone would play in the background, as a rap. But instead, it wears its heart-shaped object on its sleeve.

[nervousron]

Where do you stand on shipping Michael and Trevor? Pre-prologue did they have an established relationship, an unlabelled "thing," or just ridiculous romantic tension? How about post-canon?

i flip-flop on where I stand a lot. Especially with the pre-game stuff. I don't think it was ever an established relationship, but there are a lot of little comments in the game that make me think they had something going on between them.

(Post Deathwish conversation)

"we're back baby! Mike and Trevor - top of the world."

"T, come on."

"Trevor Philips and Michael... De... *fart sound* together again!"

"Yeah. We're together at this moment, but... ahh... you know it's not..."

"I know, alright? Shit, you're such a downer. I don't even feel drunk anymore."

"Well, you are still drunk. So cheer up."

"Nah, you ruined it."

(Drunk conversation)

(T) Fuck you, actually (M) Dont you wish

(Cutscene in By the Book)

(M) hey, fuck you (T) You know? I'm beginning to think that's exactly what you wanna do (M) Yeah, Jesus. I just said the same fucking thing to my wife

Trevor's attraction towards Michael seems to have been there from the get-go. Lamar jokingly refers to it as "love at first sight" and i dont think he was very far off. When Trevor blew their first robbery together, he was sent to prison for it. By all accounts Michael should've skipped town and continued on his way. But he didnt. He waited for Trevor, a man at this point he hardly knew, and that decision changed Trevor's life irreversibly. I think thats where his infatuation begins.

As for Michael I think the attraction to Trevor comes on slowly. He doesnt realize its happening, and when he does, he makes up excuses for himself so he doesnt have to worry about being a queer. Buddies jerk off together all the time. If your best friend is willing to go a little farther than that and doesn't make it weird in the morning, why not go with it? And if Michael loves him a little, so what? Who doesn't love their best friend. They're Bodhi and Johnny Utah. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid. That's all.

I think they had a good thing going for a while, up until Mandy got pregnant. Then they had an on-and-off thing for years that got more and more volatile as their friendship fell apart.( I wrote like 6 paragraphs about that but it was getting really lengthy so that's a post for another day lol.)

Or maybe they just never acted on it and the farthest they got was weird flirting, drunken three-ways with call girls, or jerking off to the same skin-flick. I can see em' all happening and its a horrible back and forth on my end of which makes the most sense canonically.

No matter what I think they had something really deep and guttural together before the Ludendorff heist

As for post-game i have my realistic idea of what would happen, and my idealistic ideas of what would happen.

Realistically:

Trevor is done pining after Michael. He still loves him, that will never change. But he's done with the heartache. They made up, and they'll hang out from time to time, but Trevor is never going to let his heart be broken by Michael again.

Michael is trying with his family. He wants to make his marriage work. He continues to fuck up, probably still sleeps around from time to time, but he's genuinely trying to stay with Amanda. He doesnt think about his past with Trevor very often, because if Trevor doesnt want to bring it up, neither will he.

They have a strained fucked up friendship, but a friendship nonetheless.

Ideally:

Abso-fucking-lutely. They figure it out. They're a goddamn mess together, but they're happy. They fight like they always do, but at the end of the day they're both trying

(im working on a post about my ending C Trikey thoughts that was supposed to be a reply to iagami a while back. i have so many ideas for a post-C ending for them and most of it is just dumb "lol thatd be funny" type stuff, but a lot of it has genuine thought put into it too. This post is already too long lol. thanks for reading through it!)

[cozcat]

"

(It is not that night, or the next, but she does spend a night with Alessa, before leaving Lisbon. And it isn't as though it is unenjoyable, but it is far from an experience she will go out of her way to repeat, no matter how gentle the hands guiding her own through motions she has no prior idea about. She'd gladly repeat the morning, though, of sunlit sheets and feather-soft kisses and coffee brewed strong enough to make her jittery; she just sometimes wonders if the morning after is worth the effort of the night before.)

But Mary can’t quite go back to her hotel - not yet. Instead, she walks back to the water and stands in the shallows, her feet digging into the cool, damp, sand. And she thinks, of that great yawning absence, of a chasm that was so recently not there at all. It’s suddenly so simple, everything that she was washed away with the tide, and she can’t even bear to miss it, with something else left in its wake. He was there, and He is not, and it’s as clear to her as the rush of the breeze in her hair, as the light of the moon on the water, of the touch of lips against her cheek and softly spoken words." so how does it feel to win?

[author's commentary ask meme]

"I'll do this when I get on my laptop tomorrow," I say, not doing it until 1am because Tumblr didn't keep the +1 notification.

This is an excerpt from how falls the serpent, a fic I published about Mary Malone in November 2020.

I've been fucking levitating about being so goddamned CORRECT for two weeks which is a nice reprieve from bouncing around four stages of grief :|

This fic wound up being a bit of an experiment with the flash-forwards and occasional flashbacks in brackets, and the actual evening in Lisbon as the main body of it. I don't think it is something I'd make a habit of, but I think it worked well for this. Mary's going through a bit of a crisis, so her mind's going to be all over the place. Fic is a fun place to play with writing techniques that you might not use again.

There's a line in an appendix in The Amber Spyglass, in Mary's notes - "tried sex, rather dutifully, like going in for badges in the Guides". (That may not be verbatim but I'm not checking it rn.) When thinking of the Mary in my head, the fact that she is asexual is as core as the fact that she is a lesbian. So, a lot of my own relationship with sex is present when I write Mary, because that tiny - canon! - piece of information resonates something fierce. Also, being gay and being ace are both things that make it a hell of a lot harder to figure out what it is that you're feeling, so both at once, when you want to become a nun and you never need to think about it again? Mary has a whole bunch of reflecting to do, very suddenly.

And then it bounces back to what is, rather than what is to come. She doesn't know that that's what's going to happen with Alessa - she's having a crisis of faith right now, but it's barely a crisis, because it was like a switch flipping. I think I was unconsciously paralleling a lot of the moments we see in Mary's POV, particularly when her soul temporarily floats away from her body, in which she's very grounded in the sensations of reality and what is as she suddenly realises what isn't. I don't remember doing it on purpose.

This fic is also something I all but rewrote - I wrote dust, dust, for all the days of your life about decisions Mary made to lead her to where she needed to be, and so, the moment in Lisbon had to happen in that too. It's interesting looking at them together, actually, as the same scene happens in quite different ways, as well as the aftermath. I always feel like my canon-compliant fics need to gel, but they don't. In this fic, everything is about this moment; in the other, this moment is a turning point, but not the whole story.

Also, do you want to know what's wild? I could never exactly picture Alessa, though I had a mental image of her that stuck. And then the flashback happened in the show and - that's her. That's exactly who I have been trying to picture for TWO GODDAMNED YEARS. What the FUCK Dan and Kahleen you pulled her out of my brain.

[seasideretreat]

Our Goddamn Day

I am seriously a fool. I ain't doing nothing, and my life is always the same. You know, there is this thing called time. We got time, and it is all in our hands: we can allocate our time. In a minute, I will retreat from the world and play a video game, but before I do so, I am going to write, because writing is also very nice; and gaming isn't really very nice, I don't really know why I game. I suppose I know - after all this time - why I write: it gives me ideas, it helps me think, it might be profitable in time. You know, I dare go so far as to say that I write every day, but I don't game every day. But gaming and writing are comparable, to some extent, because they are both a retreat from the day - however, I'd consider writing a part of the day in which we do nothing but write, whereas gaming is a total retreat from the world, but it is optional: you can combine gaming with wordly activities, such as reading or composing - yeah, this is my life. You know, just now I became aware of the irrelevance of my thoughts for my writing. I really don't have to write the same way all the time - in fact, I can write anyway I want to, as long as I write; and you know, it is all optional, I don't need any external force; and you know, it don't matter any case. Ya know, ya can write imperfect English right, and be literary; but I suppose you can also write perfect English, and be literary or not. I dunno, I like English, maybe, you know, I wrote a good essay once, but it is a long time ago. I dunno if I've earned my spurs dammit.

You know, writing is a bit like talking, right, you really don't have to do anything you just have to say something, I presume, although you shouldn't spout insane gibberish. You know, there was a time I was convinced that writing was more about the actual writing and less about what you said perhaps, but I know now that it really doesn't matter if you write or not, you just do it. You know, I have just found that I really like writing a blog post every day, you know, spending a few hours every day writing a blog post while listening to some nice music - I am listening to jazz at the moment. And I suppose it don't even matter if you do anything per day or not, but as Napoleon said: occupation is the scythe of time. You know, I am sure that by that he just meant that if you do something you harvest the fruits of the day, right, he really just meant seize the day, and this is my motto as well, right, seize the day. You see, we are actually quite busy all the time, and it is really rare that we have the time to do something, but if you do nothing, the day will be lost. You know, when you don't do nice things, it really makes no difference, but you'll grow restless, right, as Cato said: "It is through doing nothing that evil enters the world." However, I do not say go on tons of holidays, or conquer the world or something like that, I just say, right, be glad that you know what you like, or something like that, right, just do something, I dunno. I dunno, there is possibly a lot to do, right, but we don't know what it might be; well, you can watch television all day, but I guess then you might as well do nothing, but not necessarily, right, I like taking walks for instance, well, and I also like writing, right, I mean, why would I not write, right, I mean, I need to play video games every day maybe, but I don't play video games all that much, but I am thinking about it, you know, because these days I have a longer and longer attention span, and I can just keep doing things all the time, kind of, and thus I can say, I am going to write every day or I am going to play video games every day - I dunno, it's hard to explain! Point is, I have a day, and video games is NOT part of that day; it is just a way to not worry, I guess, if you have the whole day in front of you, to have a few days where the world doesn't exist, perhaps, or I can just waste that time, perhaps - it's separate from the rest.

Anyway, yeah: seize the day. You know, all day I was pretty worried, because I didn't quite have a nice leisurely day, because I was doing things, but I was also just detached, or disabled. So just now I decided to retreat to my room - you know, I like my room, because I can just hang out, and I don't have to accommodate. You know, and I have discovered that I can just invest time in a piece of writing and it'll become longer. However, even if it don't need to be long, it can still be good, perhaps, if I invest some time in it; I don't know. Anyway, yeah, these past few weeks I really learned how to write, you know, I learned the value of research, and the simplicity of research, and the difference between philosophy and gobbledygook. But it ain't no matter. You know, I dare say these past few weeks I really learned how to live. I learned to get up early, I learned to waste time pleasantly, I learned to get through hardship, I learned to work, kind of, and I learned I dunno a helluva lot of other things.

Anyway, yeah, the thing of the day is the day itself. I have a day, and as I said, I consider writing a part of that day. Gaming is not. And I say: seize the day. If you don't do things, you won't have a day. That's kind of what seize the day means. You know, and there's a shitload of things to do during a day, but it all ain't so interesting if we don't do the productive things, writing of which is the ultimate exalted summum. As I said, in a minute I will start gaming, but this will not automatically cancel my day; I will have some overlap time, time in which I can be gaming as well as having a day. I think this is really important, I need to transition into gaming, because gaming is so inane. I don't know, there's just a lot of things to do during a day and gaming is not one of them, but sometimes the day just becomes too much, ya know, you see, learning is considered very important, but if we don't have a nice day there's no point to learning, and you know, learning really only yields results when people do something with it, and you very rarely can do anything with learning. You know, I still really want to read Lipsius, but since I am no longer in college, I can't make it work; you know, I think I was on my way to becoming an excellent and useful student, but I lost my foresight. It something my dad did diagnose when he was still alive, but the nurses around here don't seem to really find it all that awful; you know, where there is life there's hope, and I really seem to be gettin' back on my feet again; and I feel very good at times; you know, I just wish I had some of my exuberant young self back, but yeah, I guess I was just more cheerful back in the day, although I feel I had a certain gift, in language and in manner, you know, I could make people laugh; but yeah, oftentimes I felt like it just didn't do, people would laugh at me, you know, and I just didn't feel comfortable with myself, also, they didn't stick by me, you know, I was quite isolated at times, although yeah, I dunno. I hated being part of the mainstream, you know, I always felt quite comfortable in the sidelines; but then, I weren't really in the mainstream, maybe, we were just another wild bunch, but it didn't float my boat, it didn't make me happy. I don't know. You know, someone said that writing is a bit like sculpting, I feel that right now, you know, that you should always kind of write where there ain't no resistance, you know, the material tells you where to cut.

You know, you think you know something, but then you always don't - that's the weird part. You know, it went well for a while, you know, and I learned a lot during this scription - you know, seize the day and writing is sculpting - but it ain't gonna save my life. You know, I really like writing, I now again realize, but yeah, you need a good time of the day to write, or to do anything perhaps - but here we are in dark areas again, because nobody really knows what to do; you know, we ought to do good things, but the system is against us maybe; and so I say again, seize the day, but yeah, I dunno, I can't capture the pleasant feelings, you know, and it's quite hard to keep doing things that yield so little rewards, but you know, I just have to keep going; I dunno, you can make choices, but they ain't useful, or they don't matter; you know, I met this really obnoxious guy and he said that I just go with the flow or some such rot; you know, some people just have no decency or whatever.

[joeycupcakerichter]

A letter he'll never read.

This is just going to be a incoherent mess of thoughts that I need to get out of my skull because otherwise they're going to drown me. so I'm gonna throw it under a read more and post it here so the thought can be out of my head and I can go back and reread whenever I start to feel like I'm losing control again.

Dear [him]

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I've probably seemed obsessive and weird and I wish I could stop but I think writing this down, explaining it even though I know you'll never read it will help me process the feelings and move on.

I'm sorry it had to be you. I'm sorry that you were the one that caught me on a bad day and made me smile. I read too much into it. If I've ever made you uncomfortable in anyway, I'm so deeply sorry. There's some things that I think you need to understand about me that I think will help the two of us make sense of this and move forward.

My marriage was one built on trauma and distress. I was married to a man that loved the idea of me, not the person I truly was. He spent six years trying to shove me into a box that I didn't fit into, trying to make me into the girl he always wanted when he simply was not. It may sound ungrateful to say, but I was drowning in his attention but you have to understand that this was not the kind of attention anyone deserves. It was manipulative, it was guilt tripping, it was toxic in every sense of the word. He hated the things I loved and if he didn't start off initially hating them, he would quickly begin to hate them because they were associated with me. I know you're probably wondering what that has to with you and I promise I'm getting to it

The earliest date I have to tell you when this started was February 4, 2019. Yeah, you heard me right, two fucking years of this nightmare coping mechanism that you didn't ask to be a part of. February 4th was the day I created a playlist on Spotify because I was going to go to the gym. The first song on that playlist was Rev 22:20 by Puscifer because that's the song that every time I hear it, I think of you. The beginning of the song is enough to explain what I was feeling in that time.

Don't be aroused by my confession Unless you don't give a good goddamn about redemption I know Christ is comin', and so am I And you would too if this sexy devil caught your eye

I wanted you so badly. You represented everything that my current relationship lacked. You would give me attention, but only if I earned it. I was married at the time, so confessing my attraction to you would be something that you would have to not care if it sent you to hell. It was stupid, and I kept my mouth shut about it. I wasn't about to have an affair with you. I know I was already emotionally cheating on my husband, but I was not going to take the next step. I would just cling to this concoction of you I'd made in my head to cope with the misery that I was forcing myself to live with. It wasn't healthy and it DEFINITELY wasn't fair to you. You didn't ask to have someone develop an infatuation with you that you didn't want. I did my best to be cool and remember who the fuck I was but I know you knew. I deluded myself into thinking that you were interested, even if you couldn't pursue it. I think that made it worse.

Your trip and the jokes we made about it truly cemented this stupid ass infatuation into my brain. The thought of running away from my life with you haunted my dreams. In fact, there was one dream that I had that I still distinctly remember that plays in my head on repeat every now and then. We were at a party, you pulled me into the pantry and we were talking and you looked at me, confused, and said, "You know I like you, right?" I woke up immediately after, confused and with my heart pounding. This came shortly after you told me that your friend had backed out of the trip and you had an extra ticket, if I just got my passport. I didn't, of course, but I remember you telling me that I could sit next to you on the plane and rub your back as you puked into your airplane bag because you were afraid to fly.

I'm terrified that I sound insane and creepy and unsettling. I KNOW you were just kidding around but it was something I could cling to. It kept me alive when I was laying in bed staring out of my window wishing I had to courage to just jump. That was a lot to put on you but I comforted myself by reminding myself that you would never know. I would never ever cross the line of telling you how much that stupid little joke meant to me. You'll probably never know this, but you saved my life. And for that I can only thank you.

I'll never forget when you left, either.

I channeled the confusing feeling of loss and pain into a story that I'm still incredibly proud of. I won't bore you (or creep you out) with details, but you left two months after your trip and I did nothing but write. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote that pain away until I couldn't feel it anymore. It was gone. I fixed it all. I was fine. I barely thought about you. That initial hyperfixation was gone. You were gone.

Until you weren't.

A mutual friend told me that you were coming back and I thought my heart was going to erupt. That was when I stopped writing my story because I didn't need it anymore. You were coming back. I tried to remain casual, but that December when you were finally back, I could've wept with joy. It was sad, it was pathetic but you were back and everything was going to be fine. I had my coping mechanism back. We both know I can't help but look at you when you're near by. Even just a glimpse could make me smile. You were so soothing to me. You still are. It's illogical and it doesn't make sense, but whenever I talk to you, or even just see you I am simultaneously relieved and set on edge. I have to watch myself. I don't want you to know this creepy stalker narrative I'd unintentionally crafted. It wasn't even stalkery.

I didn't cross lines, I just wanted to talk to you, be around you somewhere that was an even playing field. I've only texted you when I absolutely had to. I couldn't bring myself to bother you. I put you up on a pedestal and didn't ask you for anything more. I wanted more, I craved that sweet validation but I wouldn't cross that line. We were work friends, if you could even call it that. We were coworkers that sat together on break all the time. Sometimes I would feel like maybe you could be interested but I would always reminded myself that just because I wanted you to be, didn't mean you were. I constantly kept myself in check. I barely even mentioned you to my friends and even when I did, you were the mediocre white guy at work. Hell, I still refer to you as that because I need to keep myself in check. You are not the end all be all of men. Believe me, I would let myself believe that if I didn't keep myself in check.

When the pandemic hit, you were gone again. I thought it was forever this time and I decided it would be okay. It had to be okay. I wasn't going back to work if you weren't going to be there and by all logic, you shouldn't have been. You were the reason I didn't hate my job. I liked talking to you for fifteen minutes at a time that much. It's silly, but it made everything better. I didn't need to date you. I didn't need to sleep with you. I just wanted you to be my friend and you had been. I thought that chapter was closed.

And then my husband left me. And I found out you were back again. Despite everything I'd figured, that you wouldn't go back for a third time, that you wouldn't even be able to, another mutual friend mentioned that you were back. And I was ready to run back into that hellhole's hateful arms to have you close and as my friend again. I couldn't talk to you outside of work, I didn't know what to say. I was scared it was going to come out wrong because things were different now. I was different now. I wasn't going to be married for much longer. I let myself stray into thinking maybe now could be different.

You gave my husband an instrument to fix and he left it and me here so I figured I could give it back to you, at the very least. I was gonna shoot my shot. "of course I remember you". Now I'm not sure if that was as flattering as I initially took it but you forgot and I cried. But I left you alone. If you had any of the same feelings I had, you wouldn't have. It was okay. You didn't have to match my energy. Mine was out of control and emotional, coming only a week after my husband left the state. I was a train wreck and I'm glad now that you didn't come pick it up. I would've embarrassed myself. I would've tried to tell you all of this to your face and it would've been a mess. It wasn't fair to you. It wasn't fair to me. I was in mourning, I was in shock. Just like most of the people I knew, you probably wouldn't have known what to say. What do you say to a woman who had been abandoned so easily and quickly? Awkward pity in my experience with people who weren't you. But I told you. You knew. That's all I wanted.

And now, I'm terrified that I'm becoming FAR too obvious. I wasn't subtle before, but I KNOW I'm not subtle now. I'm terrified of making you uncomfortable, or even worse, acting like Mandee. Becoming so overbearing and not picking up on vital social cues that would tell me that you didn't want me around. Every now and then, I'll forego sitting outside to sit with you but I won't do it every break. I don't want to seem like I won't leave you alone. I don't want to seem like a crazy woman who's obsessed with you. Maybe I still am, despite my best intentions, but I try so hard not to be. You don't owe me ANYTHING. And sometimes I get the vibes that I need to leave you alone so I do. And I resign myself to the fact that I ruined it because I couldn't keep my shit together.

My standards are so low right now, that you can talk to me first and I feel like maybe we could still be friends. Not a damn thing more than that. I can't stress that enough. Despite everything I've written here, it's not like I want you to sweep me off my feet and save me from everything. I just.... I want to be your friend. I want to actually know you other than anecdotal conversations.

I don't know how to finish this. It's pathetic, its cathartic and I just needed to get it out of me. I'm so tired of keeping it in and while I won't tell you, just writing it down helps. So thank you. Thank you for everything you don't know you've done for me. I'm sorry I let it go this far and get this... weird. Thank you again.

[nonpracticinghumanbeing]

TW: physical assault, non-consensual violence and permanent bodily harm, sadomasochism

(Oookay, here we go. This was inspired by some very lovely comments by @dylanndr and later by a take @andreabezj as well as a discussion about the toe scene I had on Facebook.)

I wrote a lot about the toe scene (here) and I’m sure everyone knows how I feel about it. What I feel needs adding as it’s also very important, is a discussion of the larger context of the scene. In all of the scenes that come after we can see that Izzy is completely different than he was before. He seems much more alive and a lot lot LOT HAPPIER (to the extent he’s capable of happiness) than we’ve ever seen him prior to this point. This is such a clear proof of just how much Edward doing it to him - and FOR HIM - meant to Izzy. He was not only seen for who he really is, but was also shown understanding and respect for something that is a core aspect of his identity. Edward has shown him that he accepts him just the way he is, and that he is willing to give him what he needs to feel good and safe. And for someone who’s clearly doing everything he can to suppress his sexuality that must have felt even more validating.

That’s not to say that Edward doing it was in any way a good thing when we consider the larger context of the whole story. I really don’t want my having a meltdown over how hot and lovely I find that scene to be misconstrued as a romanticization of abusive relationships. Because Edward and Izzy’s relationship IS mutually abusive, which no sane person would be able to deny. Yes, Ed gives Izzy exactly what he needs and makes him seen and respected, but as it was wonderfully worded by someone of Facebook, it reinforces Izzy’s belief that abuse (’cause let’s remember it was non-consensual, so it can’t be called anything other than abuse) equals care and thus it probably does more harm than good long-term.

The thing is that their whole relationship is like some goddamn Greek tragedy where neither of them really can do anything other than what they end up doing. They are both prisoners of both other people's expectations and their own self-image. It's heartbreaking and extremely unhealthy, but I honestly can't imagine them going any other way about it.

Izzy has built his whole identity around not just being a pirate, but being Blackbeard's first mate. Unlike Edward, he does know what retirement is, but he can't see it as a viable option for either of them. He's obviously increasingly distressed by Ed's relationship with Stede, but willing to suffer it as long as he has even a glimmer of hope that Blackbeard - the dreaded pirate capable of killing Stede - is in there. As soon as he realizes it's not going to happen, he immediately takes things into his own hands and challenges Stede to a duel. When he loses and Ed makes him stick to the rules and leave the Revenge - which obviously breaks Izzy’s heart - his response is to make a deal with Badminton in a desperate attempt to get Blackbeard back, even though it's the last thing Edward wants or needs.

Of course in Izzy’s mind it's all justified because he tells himself that he's saving his captain from himself and the certain doom that would come if he continued with Stede. What he is incapable of admitting - even to himself - is that he is doing it for himself because he can't probably even imagine a world where he is anything other than Blackbeard's first mate. For whatever reason he desperately needs to keep that reality alive, so when Ed makes a comment about why are we even being pirates, Izzy gets terrified because his whole world is in peril. So of course he has to push Edward into his old lifestyle, and it doesn't matter that in doing so he hurts Ed, the only person he supposedly cares about.

As for Edward, he has one goal here and it’s to make Izzy stay - he’s already lost both Jack and Stede and Izzy is his only real connection at this point. For all his mood swings and excitability, Ed is actually quite good at reading people and giving them what they want. He does that with the aristocrats at the fancy party and is able to entertain them for quite some time (yes, they are othering him the whole time because of his race and treating him like a circus act and not like a person, but he does give them what they want). He does it with Calico Jack, to such an extent that Stede actually calls him out on that. And he does it with Izzy as well. As I already wrote in the previous piece, after Izzy gets visibly excited at being choked, Edward obviously realizes hurting him is the one sure way to make him stay.

This does not at all mean that it’s a good or healthy choice. For all my getting soft and having a total meltdown over how beautiful the toe scene is, I will never claim it was anything other than abusive. It’s just that I don’t see any other option for Ed here. Should he have talked with Izzy about it? In a healthy relationship that would be the proper course of action, but at this point Izzy is already so disgusted by Edward becoming whatever it is that he’s become that any attempt at having a conversation would be an invitation to a new betrayal on Izzy’s part. Not to mention that Izzy is obviously incapable of admitting it even to himself that it’s something he needs, let alone anyone else. 

The healthiest choice for Ed would be to get rid of Izzy altogether, as their relationship is mutually abusive and they continue to bring out the worst in each other. But that would be very problematic as well, even if Izzy wasn’t the only real connection Edward had left. Because realistically speaking, what could Edward have done here? Make Izzy leave? That would most certainly end up with Izzy coming up with yet another scheme to get Blackbeard back. Kill him? I honestly don’t think Ed could bring himself to do that, even with all the rage of the Kraken, because in his own fucked up way he really cares about Izzy. I’m not defending Edward’s decision to do what he did here - because like I said before it only serves to reinforce a harmful belief system for someone who already clearly equates abuse with care - but I REALLY can’t see any better option for him here.

This is what breaks my heart the most about Izzy. (I’ve already written about what he means to me as someone who shares his masochistic tendencies here.) For whatever reason - I’d LOVE to know his backstory - he’s unable to admit that he craves submission, as he believes that would make him less of a man. He desperately needs it but is incapable of asking for it. So the only way for him to have his needs fulfilled is by goading someone into doing the thing he needs. There is a horrible problem with communication here and if Ed didn’t do what he ended up doing - which I will never call anything other than abusive - the situation would have probably escalated even further and ended in an even greater tragedy.

Putting it in BDSM terms, Izzy not only wants to be in a 24/7 s&m relationship, he also doesn’t believe in safewords or hard limits or negotiation. He needs things to be done to him without his consent. I can’t stress enough how unhealthy this is. There ARE people who are into extreme forms of s&m play. There ARE people who have abduction fantasies or rape fantasies, or want to be 24/7 slaves. But even that - or ESPECIALLY that - requires negotiation beforehand. There is such a thing as consensual non-consent, but it has to be carefully discussed before any action is taken. And it takes a lot of trust for a submissive to be willing to do that, and a very strong dominant - who knows both themselves and their sub well enough to be sure they won’t cause any ACTUAL harm - to agree to that.

Izzy is incapable of discussing his needs, the best he can do is give Edward non-verbal clues that this is something he needs. He’s obviously meant to serve as a metaphor for toxic masculinity in the show. So of course admitting that he wants and needs to submit to another man would be unthinkable to him. Because in his book any man willingly submitting to another is an abomination. We can see it in the way he acts when he thinks Edward was a bottom for Stede in the fencing lesson scene. It’s not just about him thinking they had sex, I think he might have accepted that - like he accepted Ed being involved with Calico Jack - if he didn’t feel the natural order of things was disturbed here by Stede topping Ed.

Which brings me to the SECOND issue with Izzy. It’s not only that he believes he deserves any and all punishment that Edward decides to dole out to him and that he craves non-consensual violence. He also needs Edward to be the perfect dom 100% of the time, because otherwise he can neither respect nor trust him. That's actually quite common among submissives; I've seen it discussed time and time again in pretty much every single place kinksters exchange their views and experiences. Many subs - usually those who are inexperienced and just getting into s&m, but that's not a rule - see doms as a kind of larger-than-life creatures who are always at the top of their game and never fail or make mistakes. It's a technique to protect one's ego and self-worth, 'cause submitting to such a person is a whole lot easier than doing it with someone who might not be 100% perfect. Only perfect people don't exist and such an approach is VERY damaging to doms finding themselves in a relationship with a sub who thinks like this.

So Edward suddenly and unexpectedly finds himself in a situation where he's not only pressed for time - with the threat of Izzy either leaving or betraying him again becoming more real by the minute - but also needs to perform up to Izzy’s insane standard of what the perfect dom should be. He basically has his back against the wall here as Izzy leaves him little choice other than to resort to horrible non-consensual violence. Now, I refuse to fall into the trap so many in the fandom seem to enjoy falling into and play the devil’s advocate here or do victim blaming and say that Edward had the right to do what he did. It was his choice to cross the boundaries and assault Izzy when he was the most vulnerable - it’s so important that he goes to Izzy’s cabin when he’s asleep and almost naked, something that we’ve never seen before and something that is a complete opposite of how he is usually presented. It IS absolutely horrific. But I still say it’s also what Izzy needed and I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

That’s what I adore about this show. The way it’s written is just so complex. They are both terrible abusive men who shouldn’t be allowed to be around each other at all. And yet in a way - a horrible, abusive, toxic way - they also care about each other. Was Edward WAY out of line to perform such a horrible act of non-consensual violence? YES. Was it what Izzy needed to feel safe around his captain again? Also YES. Will it do even more harm to Izzy in the future as it makes him believe that by abusing him Edward shows him that he cares? YES for the third time. I know kinksters in the fandom generally enjoyed the way both Izzy as a character and the toe scene in particular are written. My hope is that it’s properly addressed in the second season, because it really needs some resolution.

[knowlesian]

what do you like best about Ed/Stede's relationship? Their friendship, their two-second romance, the whole shebang?

for me, I love how they're just so clearly delighted with each other. they take such joy from having the other around.

i totally agree! in one of the first pieces of meta i wrote for the fandom i said 'queer love is i love you BECAUSE you're so goddamned weird' (or something to that effect) and i not only entirely stand by it i mean it even more now than i did then.

because here's the thing: i love stede fucking bonnet. i love him from his silly head to his big, beautiful heart right down to his oft-oblivious toes. i talk a lot about how stede needed to change because of the things i've been writing lately, but just because i feel like how special stede is matters to why i am DYING to see him woo ed back into his arms and support him through whatever journey ed takes towards healing the wounds of his past, let me say it here: jesus fucking christ, with this one. ohhhhh i love him.

with his gay little scarves and his liminal space ship and his gayass unicorn prow and his fucking... brilliant and generous unending ability to evolve.

i mention seeing myself ed, and wanting to see myself in olu, but plot twist: stede's the character i might see most of myself in, especially in terms of life experience. he's spent his life alone in a crowd: he looks like the people around him, but they are not his people.

(heeee is an obsessive little theatre nerd with a thing for gayass unicorns! and he sometimes forgets real people are people and not just stories he tells himself about how much his life sucks! and i must stress this motherfucker has a pirate ship full of cool clothes and books! holy fuck! that's me!!! i mean, no pirate ship, but if i did... wall to fuckin' wall fancy britches and books, kids.

ohhhhh, do i understand stede. ohhhhh do i love him.)

so the people who look like him: they do not love him. they'll let him warm himself by their fires and they would probably allow him into their parties without needing a fake invite to prove he's even worthy of being there, but he knows he doesn't belong there.

all stede's life, he's looked for the people who feel like him.

and then he met the crew, and they felt so familiar he brought them into his weird little liminal space, without even knowing it giving them all space to grow too; and then, he met ed.

and stede felt (though it took mary asking him one very simple question before he knew) there you are. the person i will one day love; my home.

and then s1 becomes him knowing himself better so that he can stand by ed while ed does the same thing, in his own way... that's just fucking poetry.

(so: i will write you what you actually asked for later! i promise, consider this an iou, etc. i was just In My Feelings about why i really do love me some stede fucking bonnet and they sort of spilled out here without me meaning them to.)

[thenonbinarydetective]

Give me all your opinions on hardy boys ships

This is so vague. Do you mean in general or the show? Since I have no parameters this will be long, brutally honest, and even mean but only in places where I feel like they deserve it.

Francy: I hate it, honestly, I do. It's one of the ones where the shippers ruin it more than the material does because a large portion of them are not respectful at all if you ship either one of these characters with someone else. Also, they are frequently misogynistic, as mentioned/heavily implied in my post about there being a double standard with how Callie and Ned are treated by fans. Although speaking of the actual source material of this ship, because that does matter, a lot of it is shit. The games, the more they leaned into the more boring and fucking shit they wrote Frank. He became a dull fuckhead whose only personality traits are having a crush on a girl he might never have and being an older brother. That's it. Literally, nothing else it sucks. The show in the 70s, sexist. It's literally all sexist. Pamela Sue Martin said it herself. They purposefully made Nancy weaker and a worse character when the Hardy Boys got involved. She basically became like another Bond Girl type conquest, the only difference was that she was slightly smarter. But still needed to be saved cause she was a woman and therefore weak and defenseless and needs a man to save her. The Super Mysteries I & II, The first one is significantly worse with again how Callie was treated in the name of relationship drama. It's poorly written, they're extremely out of character most of the time and in a way that's actually shouldn't be surprising the ones where they were the most in character. The ship stuff was barely a fucking thing. They would never cheat on their partners, they wouldn't. They also wouldn't do the toxic ass bullshit they fucking did. They are not compatible as romantic partners. They are too much alike. There's nothing that they could get from each other that they don't get with people they are more compatible with. Super Sleuths and How to Be a Detective are much better crossovers because it never does anything with this shit. I literally don't care if people get mad at me for this, because it's fucking time someone actually said something after Francy shippers basically silenced everyone who disagrees with their opinions. Because y'all do that even though you pretend you don't. Just like being kinda sexist. There's a lot of sexism in this fandom if you think about what people say for more than a goddamn second.

Joe/Nancy: No. No thanks. This one just sucks. It's a bad idea

Fred (Frank/Ned): Innovative, Extraordinary, Masterpiece, Overlooked, Genius. The accidental outcome of Frank and Nancy having so much in common is that this also technically works. The only difference is that Frank is more into science than Nancy is.

Fredcy (Frank/Nancy/Ned): Eh maybe.

Joe/Ned: Eh no. It's the age difference. Unlike some people here, I do care that he's a minor. I don't care if the New York age of consent is technically 17. I know that I lived there. Does that make shipping Joe with legal adults while he only gets by on a technicality better? Absolutely the fuck not.

Frallie (Frank and Callie): I do love it. Both for the content I've gotten with it and the content I could have with it. There is so much potential to make it better than it already has been. The way they can so easily reflect Fenton and Laura the same way that with SPY Ned and Nancy reflect Kate and Carson. It's great. I like that he likes everything I love about her and vice versa. She is a great character and the perfect love interest for Frank. She is so supportive of him and I wish the world could see more of that, but again Super Mystery I has done it's damage. Doesn't mean that Hulu can't fix it cause it definitely is. Content-wise, I love that Files did make Frank completely devoted to her and never cheat on her. Although many girls tried, he told them he wasn't interested (glares at files Nedcy). They're just cute and underappreciated

Jola? (Joe/Iola): I think that's the ship name. They are adorable. I don't think they would ever work together long term. I don't even think they're soul mates, sorry Fridged! Iola but you died for nothing. I'm kidding she died for Man!Pain! I think they at least have a very cute and fun high school romance. I love the season where they tease and joke with each other. It's all adorable

Joe/Vanessa: I don't know if they ever had one. I'm gonna be honest. I don't ship them. I never have. She weirdly feels a tad bit like rebranded Iola. Like they killed Iola and then people got tired of Joe's playboy thing so they just remade Iola into Vanessa. I also just think she's a little boring. She was clearly made just to keep both of the brothers with someone. Which I don't think is necessary. Joe remaining single or with a girl of the week is a good juxtaposition with Frank's steady dating status.

Fress? (Frank/Bess): I'm not sure whether or not I just made that ship up. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I don't care either way. This is honestly a bit of an underrated ship. It is. They would be adorable together. I'm not kidding. She's so sweet and caring and he's a total fucking mess. Let her fix him. She could do it. Another that actually could reflect Fenton and Laura, but not in the same way.

Jess? (Bess/Joe): Again this isn't one I ship. I don't see it that much. I think they have literally only been put together because it's convenient with Francy. Because that's the only time it appears. Also completely ingenious writers putting the two characters that basically have been written to want to fuck anyone with a pulse together. It's brilliant /s.

Frank/George: Don't think there is one for this. But it has happened. In the rare crossovers where Francy thankfully doesn't exist, this occasionally happens. It's not the worst. I'm not one of the people that stereotypes George as a butch lesbian, because I like lesbians so I'm smart enough and respectful enough to not do that shit. They wouldn't be that bad together honestly.

Joe/George: A bit like the above. It's not really the worst. They're both impulsive and athletic and would fight anything. I weirdly like it. I would want them to just fight bad guys together and then make out because that would be their main thing.

Frank/Chet: No. not a thing for me

Joe/Chet: Same as above

Joe/Phil: Better off as friends

Chet/Phil or Chet/Tony or Chet/Book!Biff: I think Chet might be their token straight in my mind, so the answer across the board.

TV!Chet/TV!Biff: Fuck no

TV!Biff/TV!Phil: It's cute. Slightly prefer the book version where it's gay and I honestly could see it. For the show, I'll be fine with the straight version lmao

Biff/Frank: Book obviously. Honestly a maybe. He's a complete himbo idiot and Frank's smart. So like a maybe there

Joe/Biff: Yes, meathead jocks. Absolutely

Tony/Biff: Actually into this one the most. I love the height difference. We all know that Tony and Jerry had a bad breakup that resulted in Jerry no longer being a part of the group and he rebounded with Biff but it turned out better than he thought and they stayed together.

Tony/Frank: Nah.

Tony/Joe: No

Callie/Nancy: Honestly maybe this is the dream. This could be the dream.

Trudy/Jesse: FUCKING LOVE IT. I LOVE THEM. THEY'RE PERFECT

Fenton/Laura: I wish they had better names to create a ship name with because I love them so fucking much. I really do ship their parents. They're so cute when they're allowed romantic moments lmao. Love the tragic backstories and height difference trope between them. I love how strongly it is implied that she is was possibly the first person in Fenton's life to support him becoming a private investigator because what's left of his family hates it. They love and support their dumbass kids. Love that he genuinely respects her opinions and her help when she helps him on cases, because that is actually canon. They're just amazing and sexy parents, I love them and I love that they love each other.

Fenton/Laura/Me: The truest dream that anyone (me) could ever dream /hj

Fenton/Laura/Carson: I'm gonna admit that I have thought about this before and the thoughts have never been negative.

Hardy Boys Incest: Fuck no fuck no fuck no. Any disgusting fucks like that shit can literally get the fuck off my page and turn themselves into the police. Y'all are fucking gross

Any other ship I didn't mention: Assume either no or maybe

Any other ships that include a minor being shipped with a legal adult or incest: Assume the answer is "Fuck off you disgusting fucks and stay the fuck away from me."

Does that answer your question? lmao

[progmanx]

Mere hours before the final push, Sara is roped into regaling her students, and really anyone else who feels like listening, the tale of how she reached A-Rank.

It's a story of maddening morality, child soldier epidemics, absentee bloodlust, recursive intra-national espionage, industrial reams of red tape, good ol' fashioned class warfare, and how doing the right thing, no matter how pointless or futile it may seem in the moment, is always worth doing.

For Sara, though, it was just that fateful summer of 1201 when she met Claire Rieveldt, kinda fell for her, and, against all conceivable odds, knocked the Jaeger King on his ass.

Short Version: Five year hiatus, nothing to write about, COVID, got bored, remembered an article about this intriguing JRPG series. Loved it so much that it got me back into writing fic, and I spent six months writing a canon-compliant 250k+ word rarepair (they're foils and have parallel arcs, so it shouldn't be) femslash Byronic romance epic (@lokgifsandmusings's words, not mine) starring quite possibly the single greatest character I've ever come across in fiction.

Even if you don't have 600+ hours free to play every currently localized title, you would not be the first person to read this fandom-blind, as it were. Apparently, it's still pretty great!

(Also regardless of your feelings on this fic, please play Trails in the Sky. Do it. It's amazing, and you'll love it.)

Long Version: (Under the Cut)

Hey, so, five year hiatus. That happened. Became a teacher. Got married to @lokgifsandmusings (no, really!) Had nothing else to write, COVID happened, I got so bored I remembered this article I read on Kotaku about this intriguing JRPG series that I read four years prior. Somehow. So, I played it, and replayed it, and then went back and played it in the correct order, and played it again, and...I loved Trails so much that I wanted to write fic for it.

Except you kind of can't, because it's so airtight and exceptional that the world-building and characterization answers every question you could possibly have that isn't "what happens next"? With one notable exception: "Why are Claire and Sara so WEIRD about each other?"

Trails always circles back, but this is the ONE time it didn't. Through four games, and literally hundreds of hours, not to mention a direct point of comparison that's truly bizarre in how Sara interacts with Sharon, they are so consistently weird around one another that I couldn't stop thinking about it. They'd worked together A LOT before, that much was clear, but due to their particular roles in this universe, the context by which that could happen was...rather narrow.

I'd already wanted to write some sort of story of how Sara finally hit A-Rank (because it took an oddly long amount of time, considering her circumstances), and knew that was the perfect opportunity to explore this element, too. Okay, maybe they're exes? Nope, dug deeper. Doesn't make sense. I dug even deeper, and...the simplest explanation is that they've been together the whole time.

I shit you not, in a universe filled to the brim with many, many complex explanations and histories and stuff, "they're dating" was actually the simplest explanation.

Which is baffling because Trails is very much a series that is...Inverse Sturgeon's Law. 90% solid gold, and 10% utter garbage. Okay, well, it's more like 5% trash, at most, but it is TRULY TERRIBLE. Thankfully, it's the kind of terrible that has literally no bearing on anything and you just sorta forget exists the second it leaves the screen.

So, anyway, already neck deep in research and silently thanking whoever thought of compiling the game scripts into an easily searchable database, I wrote...something truly absurd. I wrote a canon-compliant (you have no goddamn idea how hard this was) 250k+ word femslash rarepair (they have parallel arcs and are foils, c'mon!) Byronic romance epic that is "so exceptional it's intimidating" (also @lokgifsandmusings's words). It is niche to the sixth power, but honestly I just love Sara Valestein and Claire Rieveldt so damn much that I really don't care.

If anyone wants to give reading a fic where the "barrier for entry" is 9 80+ hours of JRPGs a shot without playing any of them, go for it. Trust me, you're not the only one. If not, that's cool, too.

Without further adieu, please look forward to enjoy Thunderstruck. Or don't. Whichever.

[to-hell-and-beyond]

Miguel Diaz HC’s, Taking Care of you When Your Sick

Miguel Diaz x Reader

Requested: Yes : No

Request: Heyy!! Your writings great and I was wondering if I could have a Miguel Diaz x Reader imagine, with either reader being sick and him taking care of you OR (small spoiler warning for end of season 2) if in the karate fight at the school he doesn’t get kicked over the railing so when the fight is over he goes to find the reader but she’s hurt from Tory or Sam or someone so he’s all protective? Idk I just feel like protective Miguel would be so adorable. If you don’t have the time that’s totally cool! Have a great day! ❤️-Anon

I am so so sorry! I had wrote the second option but it ended up really, really bad so I scraped it. I felt like the first option would be better if I did HC’s, so yet again I am so very sorry! Maybe in the sometimes future I’ll try tackling the second option again.

Summary: Miguel Diaz HC’s, Taking Care of you When Your Sick

I feel like he wouldn’t know that something was up until you hadn't read his morning text.

(You bet he sends them every.single.morning.of.ever.single.day)

He would be upset, thinking that something was wrong because you alway read them.

He’d get even more worried when he noticed you weren’t at school that day.

So at lunch he calls to make sure that everything is ok.

He’s automatically worried by the sound of your voice. It's all grogally and you sound like your hangover.

Que worried boyfriend mode.

”Y/n?” Y/n! You ok sweetheart?” He asked all worried.

You then explain the fact that you are very sick and that’s why you hadn't read his text, you’ve been sleeping all day. Well at least trying to.

Right after you both hang up he makes a plan.

The minute the bell rings he is out of school getting supplies.

Tissues, snacks, blankets, you want, you name it, he has it.

Now this boy is dedicated to Karate, but he’s even more dedicated to you.

So it doesn't matter if he has Karate, he is driving to your place to care about you.The most amazing person in the world.

Because you deserve the pampering.

Your family let’s him in as he races to your room.

There you are shivering with planets and tissues surrounding you.

He smiled because even though you look really sick, you are still the most beautiful person in his eyes.

”Y/n, it’s me baby.” He gently kissed your forehead as your eyes opened up and stared at his.

-He moves to cuddle you even though you resist, not wanting to get him sick.

”If I do, you can take care of me then.” You let out a soft chuckle even though your throat hurt a lot.

He turned on your favorite Netflix show as he opened the snacks he had brought for the both of you.

If your stomach was really bad he would give you a drink he brought, like one of those vitamin drinks.

He would play with your hair gently, kiss you here and there on your forehead as you fell asleep.

Soon you would be quickly sleeping in his arms as he held you.

The Netflix episode would soon end and he would quickly get out of you, careful not to wake you. He then went around cleaning up your room.

He didn’t care, he knew you were hurting and it’s not really gross for him.

I mean he did grow up with two women in the house.

At the end of the day he loves you so goddamn much and no matter what happened to you, he would alway be on your side.