#had psychologist appointment today and just going out is so

[homosexualcitron]

posted my comic update really late + messed up with my side blog again + forgot to put the links at first, anyway it's all done now wehh (read my comic!!!! maybe)

[queen-of-the-avengers]

Three Rules

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2k

Warnings: being in an abusive relationship, domestic violence, covering up bruises (nothing is ever explicit, just talked about), minor fluff at the end

Summary: Bucky Barnes has been assigned to you as a way to overcome his feelings and separate himself from the Winter Solider. You're his saving grace and maybe, he can be yours.

Squares Filled: "need a medic?" (2021) @star-spangled-bingo

Author’s Note: any and all comments are appreciated <3

x

The mirror above the steering wheel is so tiny but it’ll have to do since you don’t have your big mirror in your purse this time. You make sure your makeup is good enough to last the whole day, and more importantly, to keep what’s underneath hidden from everyone else. You don’t know what you’d do if people found out about your home life.

When you deem yourself okay, you grab your things and head straight to work. Your assistant, Carly, greets you with a friendly smile and a cup of coffee.

“Good morning, boss!”

“Morning. Who do we have on the books today?”

“The only one is Bucky Barnes.”

“Great. Send him in as soon as he gets here.”

“Sure.”

You walk into your office and make sure everything you need for today’s session is in front of you. Bucky Barnes has only been seeing you for a couple of months so it’s still so new to either of you. You're a well-respected psychologist who had many clients, but you never thought you’d be seeing the former Winter Soldier.

You’ve heard the stories. You know what he’s done but he’s trying to atone for his mistakes. One of the important ways he’s going to do that is if you give him the chance to. He’s been respectful of you even though he’s closed off. Someone like him who experienced the torture he’s been through isn’t going to open up easily. It’s hard getting him to talk about himself but you’re hoping that if you start from before Hydra it will get him to open up to you a lot more.

His appointment is in a couple of minutes so you check yourself using your desk mirror to make sure everything still looks the same.

“Boss, Mr. Barnes is here,” Carly says through the phone intercom.

“Send him in.” The door opens and Bucky walks in with an uncertain look in his eyes. You give him a small yet friendly smile to ease his concerns. “Hello, Mr. Barnes. Please, have a seat.”

“Please, call me Bucky.”

“Okay, Bucky.” He sits down on the couch across from your desk. “How was your week?” He shrugs in response. “Did you do anything special?”

“I spent time with Sam and his family.”

“How did that make you feel? Did you like it?”

“It was alright,” he sighs.

“Did you uphold your three rules?”

Rule #1: Don’t do anything illegal. Rule #2: Don’t hurt anyone. Rule #3: Introduce himself as James Barnes instead of Bucky, formerly the Winter Solider.

“Yes.”

“That’s good. I’m proud of the progress you’ve made since seeing me. Is there anything you’d like to talk about specifically that happened this week?”

“No.”

He can’t seem to look at you. He’s talking to you, that’s a plus, even though he’s only giving you one-syllable words.

“Bucky, if this is going to work, I need you to try here. I’m not asking you to write me a novel about your life. I’m asking you to give a little. Can you do that for me?” you ask in a gentle tone.

“Okay,” he sighs and looks into your eyes. “I’ll try.”

“What would you like to talk about?”

“Steve.”

“What about Steve?” Bucky looks like he wants to cry. Anything about Steve makes him question everything about him. He left Bucky. He left everyone behind to start a life in another timeline. “This is a safe space. Everything you’re feeling is valid, Bucky. When you’re ready, I’d love to hear what you have to say.”

It takes him ten long minutes to find the courage to talk and when he does, he can’t look at you.

“What if Steve was wrong about me? I was under Hydra’s influence when we crossed paths again, and he did everything he could to save me. He even brought me to Wakanda to get that shit out of my head. What if it’s still there? What if they say those words again and I’m back to being the Winter Soldier? Sometimes I don’t think I’m worth saving.”

You want to cry for him. He is so badly damaged that it will take a long time if not the rest of his life to be okay again. He might have happy moments here and there, but those fears will always be there. You have to choose your words carefully.

“It’s hard to see the good in someone who has done bad, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. Steve remembered his best friend and knew the kind of person he was. Steve remembered something in you that is still true to this day.”

“What?” he asks and looks up at you with hints of tears in his eyes.

“I see a man trying to do good, to atone for his mistakes, and I think that’s someone worth saving. Steve saw it, too.” A single tear escapes his eyes but he doesn’t wipe it away. “If you are who you think you are, you wouldn’t feel remorse for what they did to you. The fact that you do shows me that you’re more than what they put in your head. You’re trying to do good with the bad you’ve been given, and that’s not a bad person.”

You’ve made excellent progress with Bucky this session, and you think the next one is going to go by just as smoothly. He only gets an hour but you make the most of the rest of the hour.

“The same time next week?” you ask.

“I’ll see you then, Doc,” Bucky smiles and leaves your office.

With each passing session, you and Bucky form a stronger bond until he realizes he looks forward to being with you. You make his day a bit brighter but the last thing he is gonna do is tell you that. You’d never have romantic relations with a client but you can’t say the same once they no longer are your clients.

You show up to work one week dabbing makeup on your face while driving. You’re on the phone with your husband. He isn’t on speakerphone and your phone is resting in one of the cup holders, but you can still hear every word he is saying as clear as day. He is yelling that loudly at you. You forgot to do the dishes before you left for work and now he is telling you what a burden you are, how much he hates you, and that you’re useless…

…and those are the nice things.

“Baby, I was running late this morning. I’m sorry,” you sigh and pick up the phone.

“I will deal with you later,” he growls and hangs up the phone.

You’d cry but then you’d ruin your makeup, and you’re already at work. You push down your feelings about your abusive husband and walk into work. You gasp at how hot it is, and you look at your assistant who has her work jacket off.

“What is going on in here? Why is it so hot?”

“The air conditioning is broken but someone is coming to look at it later.”

“Fine,” you sigh. “How many today?”

“Three.”

“Send them through.”

You get through the first two clients with as few problems as possible but by the time Bucky comes in, you’re almost about to break. You're tired, your face is pulsing with pain, your makeup feels like cake at this point, and you don’t know how much longer you can stand sitting in the heat.

“Hi, Bucky. Please have a seat,” you greet. He sees the immediate shift in your behavior and you’ve only said six words to him. “I’d like to start this session by talking about last week. You said something about taking a trip with Sam, right? How did that go?”

“Are you okay?” he asks.

“Bucky, we’re here to talk about you, not me.”

Bucky has to let it go for right now but he can’t when you wipe your face to clear the sweat. You forget that you have makeup on otherwise you wouldn’t have wiped your face with your handkerchief. It’s not entirely present but Bucky knows a bruise when he sees one, and you have a dark one near your eye.

“Need a medic?”

“I’m fine. I fell.”

“I’ve fallen plenty of times. I’ve gotten hit enough times to know a bruise caused by a punch when I see one.”

“Bucky, please. Drop it. We’re not here to talk about me.”

Bucky notices you play with your wedding ring nervously whenever the spotlight is on you. He’s not stupid. He knows exactly what’s been happening here. For your sake, he lets it go. The session is cut short due to Bucky needing to be somewhere, and you made it clear he is still getting charged the full hour whether he uses it or not. He was fine with it so you moved on with three other clients after him.

The air conditioning was fixed after the first client, so you redid your makeup in the bathroom to be more presentable. It’s late when you finish with your last client, and you curse at the time. Your husband is going to kill you if you’re late again. You gather your things and rush out of your office, but Carly stops you before you can get far.

“Listen, I’m running late, so can you--”

“The police called earlier. I told them you were with a client and they asked if you could call them back. They said it was urgent.”

“Oh, okay,” you stutter. She hands you her phone after redialing the last number called. “Hi, my name is Y/N. My assistant got a call earlier?” You hear the words they’re saying but your brain isn’t processing them. “Wait, I’m sorry, he’s what?”

“Your husband is dead, ma’am. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“How? When? I just talked to him this morning.”

“My guess is that he’s been dead for maybe four hours. He died from a severe beating and blunt-force trauma to the head.”

All you hear them saying is that you’re free. You’re finally free. No more pain. You’re not sure who killed your husband because he didn’t have a lot of enemies. Despite how he treated you, he was very charming to everyone else. He put up this facade that made him look like a saint when really, he was the devil.

When you show up to work the next week, your hair is pinned up, you have light makeup on, a nice outfit, and your heart is light. You’ve never been happier now that your husband is out of the picture. He was a wealthy man, so you got all of his money to use how you see fit. He was so horrible to you so maybe his money will bring some happiness to people when you donate a chunk to different charities.

Bucky shows up right on time, and you give him a smile when he enters your room. You look down and notice some bruising and scabs on his knuckles, and if his metal hand could scar as easily as flesh, he’d have scars there, too.

“Have a seat, Bucky.”

“You look happier.”

You chuckle in amusement. You look Carly through the small glass window who is busy taking calls for you to listen to later. You look back at Bucky who raises his eyebrows in question.

“The following conversation didn’t happen.” He nods in understanding. “My husband is dead. Someone killed him.”

Bucky doesn’t say anything for a long five minutes.

“Did he deserve it?”

“Yes.”

“Then don’t worry about it.”

“Did you break rule number two?”

“I might have,” he smiles, “but I had a really good reason.”

“What reason is that?” you ask and sit back.

“There’s this woman I know, and for the first time since I met her, she actually had a genuine smile on her face… and it is gorgeous. I guess her husband didn’t know what he had when he had her.”

You smile at Bucky.

“No, he didn’t.”

x

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[boldlyvoid]

Bigger than the whole sky | Part Three: Electric Hearts

Aaron Hotchner x Reader

Summary: As it turns out, getting pregnant was the easiest part... The hard part is making sure Jack is okay with it and the team understands what it's going to look like when Hotch goes on paternity leave... and Peter's moms reaction to a grandbaby that isn't hers.

Warnings: pregnancy, canon rewrite season 10/11 - no scratch plotline, spencers mom's dementia mentioned, JJ's pregnant too, lots of Jack content, doctors appointments and ultrasounds, nondescript case in LA -- hotel quickies, showering together, lots of fluff over all

Word Count: 13.5k

Masterlist

Derek is so used to being called into Hotch’s office now that he’s the second in command, that he no longer feels anxious when Aaron asks him to close the door behind himself. He always knows that Aaron just wants to talk about a new case or some bullshit higher up… today he comes right in, closes the door and sits down like he owns the place.

“What’s up?” 

“That place you’re letting Y/N stay in, how much were you going to sell it for?” Aaron asks.

“Why?” Derek smiles, sitting up straighter. 

“It’s the perfect size for us and the kids,” Aaron answers, smiling right back, letting Derek in on their little secret. 

“No way?” Derek can’t believe it, he’s so proud, he’s practically oozing happiness. “You didn’t even skip a beat, she said she wanted kids and you just went and did it?” 

“We did it…”

Derek gets up from his seat and meets Aaron halfway for a hug, he pats him on the back and just laughs, “Wow… you’re going to be a dad again.” 

“And that’s another thing I need to talk to you about,” Aaron says, making him sit back down. “Not only do I want to buy that house from you, I would like you to step up and take over when I go on paternity leave.” 

“Obviously,” Derek shrugs like it’s nothing to take over as Unit Chief. “I don’t mind, I’m just starting to get used to the paperwork again.” 

“I’m going to ask JJ to step up into your spot during that time and we’re working on 2 new hires so you’ll have almost a full team in our absence,” Aaron explains further. “And I’ll be 1 call away at all times.” 

“And I’ll know where you live,” Derek teases. “Speaking of the house, it was foreclosed when I got it so it was only 153k and I put about 100k into it, so I can settle on 255, even though I know the market value now is close to 800.”

“I don’t mind paying the full—

“No, no. Put the rest of the money into the kids' college funds, please? You know I don’t need it.” Derek stares at him with his immaculate brows arched. 

“I can do that,” he agrees easily. “Can you just keep it a secret for me? I want the house to be a present for her and she doesn’t want anyone but you to know about the baby yet… she really wants to make it to 12 weeks before she starts to tell anyone in case it doesn’t work out.” 

“Of course, man… but I’m sure the others will figure it out, I mean, she’s not really going after unsubs as hard as before and she’s sticking to your side at the precincts instead of going out to interview suspects, she’s been having a snack at 3-hour intervals… she ever stayed back with penny cause she wasn’t feeling good. I had a feeling this was coming. ” 

“She doesn’t want to transfer, she’s going to switch on desk duty around 20 weeks… she’s actually been doing the interviews for me so we can fill up the team again,” Aaron explains. “Have you heard anything about a Luke Alvez?” 

He nods, “Yeah, he’s on the fugitive task force, right? He’s gone after some of the unsubs we’ve profiled but couldn’t capture, right?” 

“Yeah, he did.” Aaron nods, “he and Dr. Tara Lewis, a forensic psychologist from San Fransisco, are our top two. She’s been interviewing convicted serial killers for the last 4 years, she has the most updated insight into why they do what they do.” 

“Our team would be absolutely stacked with them,” Derek all but cheers, he’s so excited.

“So, should I make some calls?” Aaron asks with a smile. 

“You better, or I will.” 

—

At the same time Derek disappears into Aaron's office, JJ pulls Y/N aside. “Hey, can we talk?” She asks, tugging her all the way down to Derek's old office for some privacy. 

Y/n has a feeling she knows what’s coming, either JJ is pregnant or she’d figured out that she is. No matter what, it’s going to be interesting if she’s pulling her this far out of ear range from the team. “What’s going on?” 

“You’re doing the rehiring with Hotch, right?” 

She nods, “Yeah, why?” 

“You might want to consider a second person…”

“Third,” Y/N can’t help but correct her with a smirk. 

“No way?” JJ’s eyes light right up. “You too?” 

“Yeah, I’m 7 weeks tomorrow.” 

“I just hit 10 weeks,” she says and then her jaw drops, she can’t believe it. “Holy shit?” 

“Oh man… this is going to ruin Aaron’s plan…”

“What is?” 

“He was going to ask Derek to step up as chief and have you move into Derek's spot,” Y/N shares. “I guess we have to ask Spencer now.” 

“He’ll do it,” JJ all but answers for him. “Him and Derek running shit will be interesting but… I think they can do it.” 

“And Penelope will be there to keep them in check,” Y/N teases. “But anyway, how are you feeling? Are you okay?” 

JJ nods, “I’m good, it’s surprisingly a lot similar to Henry’s pregnancy so I’m just nauseous all day and sore when I come home and I could honestly fall asleep anywhere… but I’m good.” 

“I haven’t been sick yet,” Y/N shares with her fingers crossed. “I really don’t want to throw up but I know it’ll hit me out of nowhere soon. I remember when Peter's cousin had their first she was only sick in the second trimester and I have a feeling I might get that too.” 

“Spencer would say that’s because in the first semester, your body sometimes heals everything in you in order to make the most habitable home for the baby and then you’re so worn down in the second trimester that you get sick easily,” she explains, having heard it all before. “He said the same thing to Callahan last year when she had her baby.” 

“What’s in the water here getting us all knocked up?” Y/N teases. “I mean, who’s next?” 

“Derek,” JJ jokes. “With the rate he and Savannah are having weekends alone… it’ll happen.” 

“I just hope he waits until Aaron is done with his paternity leave.” 

—

Finding a doctor that could do appointments on weekends was hard. They couldn’t find a way to sneak out of the office during the week to go to an appointment without the team figuring out what was going on and most of their cases took them out of D.C. for 2-4 days so they’d have to reschedule anyway. 

It’s actually Derek who’s able to hook that up for them. He simply asks his Doctor girlfriend and she asks one of her OBGYN friends at the hospital — who are more than willing to help out a couple of FBI agents on a weekend. 

Y/N and Aaron come in that next Saturday at 10am and finally get to see their tiny little baby in her ever-growing stomach… she was already having a hard time fitting into her work pants and she was only 2 months along. Aaron loved it, which she knew he would, she just didn’t expect him to have his hands on her all the time. At work, he’d rest his hand on her side with his fingers slowly inching towards her tummy and at home, he was all over her. The doctor's office was no different. 

He helps her out of her pants and into a gown for the ultrasound and then onto the exam table. He takes a seat beside her and quickly his hand comes up to rest on her stomach. She covers his hand with her own and caresses him with her thumb, “you’re so cute,” she compliments. 

“Why?” He laughs, “cause I can’t keep my hands off you?” 

“I don’t know if it’s your fatherly instincts or what, but you basically guard my belly now,” she teases. “It’s cute.” 

“I love you two, sue me,” he teases right back. 

The two of them laugh together more than anything else. He makes her so happy that her cheeks always end up hurting from smiling too much. They’re so in love it makes her feel a little crazy because there’s no way this is how love is always supposed to be. She can’t believe she missed out on these feelings for so long and she also can’t believe she gets to be this happy with him for the rest of her life. 

“Knock knock,” their doctor says as she opens up the door just a few inches. “Are you ready to start the appointment?” 

“Absolutely!” Y/N cheers, she sits up ever so slightly and squeezes Aaron's hand. “Thank you so much for taking us on a Saturday.” 

“Oh, no problem, Dr. Hayes told me all about what you guys do for our country, I wouldn’t dare turn you away,” she raves as she approaches them. She takes a seat on the little rolling stool and moves in closer to them. “Thanks for catching bad guys, you guys are like heroes.” 

“He’s the hero, he’s been doing it for 13 years,” Y/N pushes the compliment onto Aaron cause she doesn’t take them well. 

“It’s nothing,” Aaron waves it off. 

“Not nothing, it’s amazing… I’m Dr. Samantha Connors, by the way,” she says as she reaches out to shake Aaron's hand. “Is this your first baby?” 

“Mine, yeah,” Y/N smiles. “Aaron has a 10-year-old son named Jack, he’s the sweetest.”

“Okay good, so you’re familiar with these appointments, aren’t you Dad?” 

Aaron nods, “I wasn’t at all of them with my ex-wife, but from what I remember this appointment is just for the heartbeat and making sure the baby is growing properly, right?” 

Dr. Connors smiles, “Yeah, that’s exactly right. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to get started with your ultrasound, okay?”

“Okay,” Y/N agrees, she gets comfortable in her seat, her feet in the stirrups, and she takes a deep breath knowing what was about to happen wasn’t comfortable. 

Aaron holds her hand the whole time that the doctor looks around without showing them the screen. They share little smiles and stare down the doctor together, both of them being experts at studying body language… they know everything is fine even before she turns the screen to them and says, “Are you ready to meet your baby?” 

They both beam, nodding as words escape them… their baby is so tiny and real and right there on the screen. “She looks like a cashew,” Y/N can’t help but say as her eyes well with tears. “Oh my gosh.” 

“I always forget how small they start out,” Aaron swoons just the same. 

“they’re measuring perfectly for 8 weeks and on my monitor here I see the heart beating but let’s hear it,” Doctor Connors says as she turns on the Doppler effect and the woosh of her heartbeat comes through. 

Y/N starts crying almost immediately, she tries so hard to hold it in but the tears run down her face, anyway.  Aaron is quick to cup her face in his hands and wipe her tears away, he presses a kiss to her cheek, “you’re okay,” he reminds her. “You’re doing so good, she’s so healthy.” 

“Very healthy,” Doctor Connors affirms. “We’re just waiting on the blood work you did in the other room to confirm, but just from the looks of things I think this is going to be a very successful pregnancy.”

“It’s my first time ever being pregnant,” Y/N shares. “I was trying for years with my ex-husband but he had a vasectomy and never told me so I always thought I couldn’t but it was him that was the issue. I’ve always wanted to see this, that’s why I’m crying.” 

“I’m so sorry,” she places her free hand on her chest. “That’s awful, I can’t believe that happened to you.” 

“It was awful… but I’m much happier on every front now,” She says as she smiles at Aaron. 

“You and me both, honey.” 

—

Aaron keeps looking in the rear-view mirror, he’s staring at Jack in the back seat. He still hasn’t told him where they’re going… Jack spent the night with Jess last night, he’s expecting to go right home but Aaron’s taking him to Y/N’s house for the first time. Y/N still doesn’t know that Aaron is working on buying the house, Jack has no idea either, so really it’s just Aaron trying to get them both used to being in that house together before he announces or proposes anything. 

At the end of the day, Jack's happiness and comfort are very important and if he isn't happy with this, Aaron will just have to find a way to make living in 2 places work for them. 

“Dad?” Jack asks from the back seat. 

“Yeah?” 

“You missed the road we take to go home…” 

“Oh… uh, I thought we could go see Y/N for dinner tonight? Is that okay?” Aaron asks, “She’s making pasta, you like pasta, right?” 

“Yeah, that’s cool,” Jack says with a smile. “I like her, she’s a good cook.” 

“She is,” Aaron smiles back. “You’re going to like her house, too, she has a big yard and a nice new couch for movies and she has Netflix, too.” 

“Oh! Yes, can we watch a movie before we leave tonight?” 

“I think that could be possible,” Aaron agrees. “But you’ll have to ask her, she worked all day and we didn’t sleep on the plane and now she’s making dinner, she’s probably going to be tired.” 

“I’ll be extra nice when I ask, I promise,” Jack says with a giddy look on his face. His shoulders rise as he clenches his fist and shimmies in his seat, overjoyed to get to spend more time with her. 

It’s everything Aaron could ever hope for and more, his two (almost 3) favourite people love to hang out together. That’s all he wanted. 

Y/N meets them outside on the front step when they arrive, she’s changed into her comfy clothes and she opens her arms wide when Jack runs towards her for a hug. “Hi buddy,” she coos, she pets his hair and gives his head a gentle kiss. “How are you?” 

“I’m good, Dad said you might be tired tonight but if you’re not can we watch another movie together?” He asks right away. 

“Oh, yeah, yeah we totally can, buddy. I’m a little tired but staying up with you is worth it,” she gives him a smile as she leads him inside. “What movie were you thinking?” 

Aaron just lets them go. He watches them talk to each other and share little smiles and laughs and he can’t believe this is his life.

When Haley died, the last thing he could imagine was feeling this in love again and the second last thing he could imagine was Jack having a motherly figure as he grew up. He was so scared to do it alone and fuck him up and then he blinked and his life fell into place once again. His son is happy, his girlfriend is happy, and their baby is healthy. There’s nothing more he could wish for. 

“You know, I actually have a surprise for both of you,” Y/N announces midway through dinner.” 

“Really?” Jack perks up. 

“Really?” Aaron is surprised, she hasn’t told him anything and normally they’re like open books with each other. 

“I saw that one of the neighbours was moving a bunk bed into the bed of her husband's truck and she said they were just going to take it to the dump because no one would answer their Craigslist add for a free bunk bed… so I took a look at it and it was in great condition and I gave her husband 50 bucks to help me put it together in one of the spare bedrooms,” she explains, smiling with all her teeth the whole time. “And then I messaged Derek and he had 2 single mattresses in the storage unit and he dropped them off for me so now Jack, you have a place to sleep here if you want to stay.” 

“I’ve never had a bunk bed before!” Jack says as he gets up from his seat at the table to run over and give her another hug. “Thank you, Y/N.” 

“You’re welcome,” she says just loud enough for him to hear. Her shoulders drop and she holds him close, resting her cheek on top of his head. “Next time we have a day off we can go pick out some stuff to decorate your room, okay?” 

She peers over to Aaron, he’s smiling at her with his heart in his eyes, “I love you,” he mouths, not yet ready for Jack to hear that but it’s true. He sometimes can’t believe the amount of love he feels for her, it’s overwhelming in the best way possible. 

After dinner, Aaron sends them both out to the living room to pick a movie and start watching it while he cleans up the kitchen for Y/N. He doesn’t know what they’re watching, but hearing them laugh together makes him smile as he fills the dishwasher and hand-washes the pots and pans she used to make the pasta. When he comes out of the kitchen, Jack is snuggled back into Y/N’s side with his hand on her belly, watching the movie without a clue that she’s carrying his little sibling in there. Aaron takes a sneaky picture of them on his cellphone, he wants to remember this moment forever. The moment both his families became one unit.

He takes a seat on her other side and she’s quick to take his hand in hers. She gives his hand a squeeze and he caresses her with his thumb, she leans over and rests her head on his shoulder, giving him the chance to press a kiss to her temple.

—

When it's time for Jack to go to bed, he sits in the bottom bunk of his new bed and he looks around the room like something is missing. “What’s wrong?” Y/N asks.

He shrugs, “Nothing.” 

Aaron isn’t in the room, he’s stepped out to the car to get Jack's overnight bag with his pjs and toothbrush, so he can’t read Jack and tell her what’s going on. She has to pry. So she takes a seat beside him, making sure she doesn’t hit her head on the top bunk and she smiles softly, “You know you can tell me anything, right?” 

He nods and bites his lip, avoiding eye contact with her. “I need a night light.” 

“Oh,” she should’ve known. “Um… I don’t have a normal night light but I have some string lights for Christmas I could put up, would that work?” 

“Yeah, I don’t like the dark,” he shares. 

“I don’t either,” she shares right back. “I think the lights are in a box under the stairs, do you want to come look with me? You can hold the flashlight?” 

“Okay!” Jack agrees pretty easily, they run down the stairs together and to the kitchen where her flashlight sits in a drawer and she gives it to him. He flicks it on and off a few times with a smile, “thank you, Y/N.” 

“You’re welcome, buddy,” she waves it off as no big deal and leads him to the cubby under the stairs. 

He stands to the side, behind her, with the light on for her so she can see into all the boxes of things she hasn’t unpacked yet. She digs for a while, both of them don’t notice that Aaron has come back in or that he’s standing in the doorway, once again listening to them. “Here they are,” she announces as she pulls out the bundle of lights. 

She holds them up to show Jack and he smiles, big and wide, “You’re the best… I really liked Beth and I was scared my dad wouldn’t find another nice lady to love like he did before with my mom but you’re even nicer. I’m really happy he loves you and you love him. He’s a lot happier now that you love him.” 

“Jack,” she swoons and wraps her arms around him, trying not to cry. “That’s the sweetest thing you could’ve ever said to me!”

“It’s just the truth,” he laughs awkwardly while hugging her back. 

When they come out of the little cubby under the stairs, they’re both shocked to see Aaron there, smiling. “Oh, hi,” Y/N smiles at him, still all teary-eyed. 

“Dad, we’re going to hang these in my room!” Jack cheers, he’s so excited. 

“Alright… with what?” Aaron asks, ready to help. 

“I have some push pins in the kitchen we can just put them in the wall and drape the lights over it,” Y/N suggests. “And then when we go out to the store for decorations we’ll get you a real night light, okay?” 

“Okay!” Jack shouts, overexcited, “You get the pins and I’ll put these upstairs!” And then he runs up the stairs to his new room. 

“You’re so good with him,” Aaron coos, wrapping his arm around her and bringing her in for a hug. He kisses the top of her head and then she looks up at him with tears in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. Nothing is wrong. I’m just so happy,” she admits. She leans in for a quick kiss, pressing her lips to his, they breathe each other in for a quick moment before pulling apart. “Are we going to tell him tomorrow?” She whispers. 

He nods, “I was thinking we could take him to the restaurant where I introduced you to him, for breakfast tomorrow, and we could tell him there?” 

“That sounds perfect,” she agrees, “you can go help him get dressed and I’ll be up in a minute, okay?” 

“Sounds good,” Aaron gives her a smile, his hand grazes her tummy as he pulls away fully and heads towards the stairs. 

She watches him go with a soft smile on her face, she just shakes her head… she can’t believe this is her life now. She has a wonderful husband, the sweetest stepson and she’s pregnant with another perfect Hotchner. What more could she ever wish for?

When she gets upstairs, Jack is in his pjs, his teeth are brushed and he’s sitting happily in his bed, waiting for Y/N to return with the lights already plugged into the wall and turned on, ready to be hung up. She hands Aaron a few pins and they each stick them in the walls, an equal distance from each other so they hang nicely. “I really hope Derek won’t mind…” 

“He won’t, it’s not going to be his house for long,” Aaron says with a sneaky smile on his face like he’s been planning something. 

She doesn’t say anything, it’s not something they need to discuss in front of Jack but if he was going to buy this house to make it their shared home, she would not be mad about that. In fact, she’d be overjoyed to have her whole family under 1 roof. 

Once the lights are up, Jack lies down in his bed against the pillows and smiles. “This is perfect.” 

“You really like it?” Y/N asks, seeking his approval. 

Jack just nods with a hum. “I’m really tired now.” 

“okay buddy, we’ll get out of your hair,” Aaron announces, moving towards the door. “Sweet dreams.” 

Y/N brushes her hand over Jack's hair and makes sure it’s out of his face and she leans down to kiss his forehead. “Thank you for a wonderful night, buddy. We’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Is Dad going to be in your room?” 

“No, why?” Y/N shakes her head, wondering why he’d ask that. 

“If I have a bad dream, I need to know where he is… don’t most grown-ups in love sleep in the same bed?” 

“Yeah, but we didn’t think you were ready to see us sleeping together in the mornings,” Aaron answers. “Would you be okay with it?” 

Jack nods, eyelids getting heavier. “Yeah, it’s okay.” 

“Okay then, that’s where you’ll find me if you need me. I love you, buddy,” Aaron says as he flicks out the light. 

“Love you. Dad Love you, Y/N.” 

She tries so hard not to cry again, “I love you too, Jack,” she whispers and heads out with Aaron. 

They shut the door to his room once they’re out and she places her hand over his heart, “You have the sweetest son in the world.” She whispers. 

“He was never this cute with Beth, I mean, he was nice to her and he invited her to have sleepovers in the tent we made in the living room but he never told her he loved her…” 

“He’s the son of a profiler, I think he’s just good at reading people because I do love you, Aaron Hotchner, I love you so much,” she drapes her arms over his shoulders and smiles up at him. 

He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her in close so their tummies touch, “I love you, too… Y/N Hotchner.” 

Her brows raise at that, surprised, “really? I didn’t think you wanted to get married again?” 

“I didn’t either,” he admits. “Come on, let’s go hang out before bed.” 

“Once I go down the stairs I don’t know if I’ll have the energy to come back up,” she admits. “Can we hang out in my room?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Aaron doesn’t mind as she pulls away, he simply runs his hands over her upper arms and smiles. “Anything you want from downstairs? I’m going to go lock up and make sure everything’s secure, maybe grab a water for myself.” 

“Um, maybe a water and a ginger ale for if I get nauseous in the night and some crackers?” 

“You got it, go get in bed and I’ll be right back up.” 

She goes right to her room after that, she changes for bed and does her night routine in the bathroom. She’s midway through putting lotion on her belly and hips when she hears the alarm system turn on with its signature charm and then the sound of feet on the staircase. He puts everything on her night table and then peeks into the bathroom, standing in the doorway with a smile when he sees her shirt up, exposing her belly, as she rubs lotion over it. 

“What?” She asks, “Never seen a pregnant lady try to avoid stretch marks before?” 

“You’re just so beautiful,” he muses. 

“Well, then, look all you want,” she teases. 

He steps into the bathroom and makes his way to her, he places both his hands on her belly and he shakes his head in disbelief. He knees to the ground and places a kiss on her belly, “You know they can hear around 18 weeks? So I’ll get to talk to them in a few weeks.” 

“I did know that,” she smiles down at him. “I’ve read all the books, you know? I had 8 years to prepare for this.” 

He kisses her belly again and again, his hands wrap around to her lower back and one drops down to cup her ass, bringing her in closer to him. He hugs her that way, resting his cheek against her belly. “I can’t wait to talk to you, sweetheart.” 

“You really think it’s a girl?” 

He nods, “Yeah, I do. But even if I’m wrong, I’m just so excited to get to bond with them. When Haley was pregnant, I wasn’t home very often, I felt like I missed almost everything and then when Jack was born I did miss all the big moments. I wasn’t a good dad until she died and I had to be. I don’t want to do that this time.” 

“I don’t think you were a bad dad, there are mothers who work and don’t see their kids often, too, you know? Do you consider JJ a bad mom because she missed Henry's first word and she wasn’t there when he walked for the first time? No. You don’t,” she points out. “You were working, and so was she. Working didn’t stop you from loving him with your whole heart, that right there, loving him, all of him, is the most important part of being a good parent.” 

“God, I love you,” Aaron sighs, his shoulders drop and he looks up at her with the softest expression. “Thank you.” 

“Come here,” she says, placing her hands under his armpits she helps pull him back up to his feet and then she wraps her arms around his middle and leans in for a kiss. She whispers against his lips, “Come to bed with me?”

“Always.” 

—

When Jack wakes up in the morning he unplugs the Christmas lights and carefully opens his door so he doesn’t wake anyone up. He knows he has a tendency to wake up extra early, and he doesn’t have a clock in his new room so he has no way of knowing if it’s a good time to wake up or not. He simply goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth and heads downstairs to look at the time. 

It’s almost 7, his normal wake-up time for school, and his Dads normal wake-up time for work, so he doesn’t feel bad going back up the stairs and knocking on Y/N’s door. 

“Come in,” Y/N answers from inside, so Jack opens it slowly. 

“Hi,” he smiles once he’s inside.

“Good morning, buddy,” she smiles back, blinking into the morning light, slowly waking up. She’s on her side, cuddled into a pillow with Aaron cuddled up behind her, his arm slung around her and cupping her stomach. “Did you sleep okay?” 

He nods as he makes his way over to the bed. “Yeah, did you?” 

She nods and Aaron groans behind her, “What time is it?” 

“Seven,” Jack answers. “I can go back to my room if—

“No, no, it’s fine,” Y/N stops him. “Do you want to climb in with us for a bit? We’re going to go out for breakfast later.” 

She moves the pillow she was cuddling to the floor and lets Jack take its place. He snuggles right in and sighs as he relaxes. “Where?”

“At McGillicuddy’s,” Aaron answers. “You like the pancakes there, right?” 

“Yeah, but it’s not a special day? We only go on special days?” 

“Every day with you is special,” Y/N teases, she snuggles him in closer and kisses his cheek.

“Okay,” Jack laughs, a sweet pink blush on his cheeks. 

Y/N lays on her side still, cuddled into Jack, as Hotch sits up and rests his hand on Y/Ns shoulder and then rests his chin on his hand. He tilts his head to the side and smiles, he hasn’t had a morning lay-in with his family in a long time. Jack hasn’t either. He smiles back at his dad, “Did you sleep okay?”

“We did,” Aaron answers for them both. “How were the lights?” 

“Good, I didn’t get scared when I woke up to roll over,” Jack shares. “I really liked my new bed, too.” 

“I’m glad,” Aaron says with a sigh, he’s still tired and Jack can tell. “Do you want to go get ready? There are some extra clothes in your overnight bag.” 

“Not yet,” Jack snuggles in even closer to Y/N and holds onto the arm she has slung over his chest. “I want a few more minutes before everything changes.” 

“What do you mean?” Y/N doesn’t understand. “Nothing's changing? We’re just going to get breakfast.” 

“Okay,” Jack whispers. “It’s just… Dad took me to Disney World when him and Beth broke up, I know he takes me places when he has big news.” 

“You took him to Disney world for that?” Y/N turns to him, she can’t believe she didn’t know that. 

“Yeah, I thought he’d take the news better if he was having fun,” Aaron explains, he rubs his hand over his eyes and shakes his head, “I’m sorry, Jack, I don’t want you to equate bad news with your favourite places, I didn’t mean to do that.” 

“So it really is just a trip to get pancakes?” Jack sits up and looks at them both. “You’re not breaking up?” 

“No, we’re not, sweetheart, I promise,” Y/N assures him as she takes his hands in her own. “I love your dad, I’m never leaving him… we did want to tell you something though.” 

“Y/N,” Aaron warns, he didn’t want to do it this way. 

“Aaron, he’s scared, we have o tell him the truth,” she says as she sits up as well. She rests against the headboard and lets the blankets pool around her waist. She runs her hands over her shirt-covered tummy, “I’m pregnant, Jack.” 

His eyes light right up, “really?” He goes to touch her belly but he doesn’t, he holds himself back. He doesn’t know if it would be weird or not. 

She nods, “Yeah, I’m far enough along now that I know the baby is safe and healthy and hopefully, nothing bad can happen to it now, which is why I wanted to tell you. I didn’t want to get your hopes up if I lost it, but you’re going to have a sibling.” 

“Are you okay with this, buddy?” Aaron asks, overanalyzing his facial expressions. 

Jack starts to cry a bit as he nods, “I’m going to be a brother?” 

“Yeah…” Y/N wants to cry too, so she rubs his arm. “It’s okay, Jack, you can be emotional.” 

He covers his face as he cries, “I’m so happy, I promise!” 

Y/N pulls him into a hug, crying now as well, “I’m so happy you’re happy, Jack, I’ve wanted to tell you for so long now. It was so hard keeping it a secret.” 

He hugs her so tight, he rests his cheek on her shoulder and reaches out for his dad to pull him into the hug as well. So Aaron wraps his arm around them and presses his cheek to Jack's head. When he pulls back, so does Jack, he wipes his tears and smiles with all his teeth, “Do you know what it is?” 

Y/N shakes her head, “Not yet, we find out next weekend. You can come with us if you want?” 

“I want to,” he agrees. “Are we still going to get pancakes?”

Y/N and Aaron laugh, “Yeah buddy, we can,” Aaron agrees. “Do you want to go get ready now?” 

He nods and bounces on the bed a bit before moving to hop off. As soon as his feet hit the floor he runs out the door and down the hall to his own room. He’s quick to change and then he has to wait. Y/N takes a bit longer than he and his dad to get ready, she wants to look pretty and he understands that, but he already thinks she’s the prettiest girl in the world. 

He even tells his dad that. 

“I know, I tell her all the time,” Aaron says with a blushy smile.  “I’m really proud of you, you know that, right? You’ve been so kind and accepting of our relationship and Y/N’s always wanted a baby, so you being happy with her dream coming true means a lot to her.” 

“Really? I didn’t know that.” 

Aaron just nods, “she was married before too, but her ex-husband wasn’t a nice guy and made her feel bad for wanting a baby so bad—

“Did he not want kids?” 

“No, and he lied to her. You know how babies are made, you said so yourself… well, he had a surgery done to stop him from being able to get anyone pregnant and never told her so she thought she didn’t have any good eggs, he made her feel really sad all the time. All I want is to make her happy, and that means making sure you have a good relationship with her too because we’re going to be one big family in 6 months,” Aaron explains it all to the best of his ability. 

“Oh,” Jack sits back, sad for her. “That was mean of him.” 

“He was really mean.” 

“That makes me sad… Y/N is so nice, she didn’t deserve that,” Jack says. It’s really mature of him, he feels really bad for her. 

“I know, but she’s really happy now with us,” Aaron assures. He places his hand on Jacks shoulder and smiles. “I promised to always make her happy, I’m glad you want to, too.” 

And he does. He wants to make her the happiest and he thinks he knows how. 

At the restaurant, they all order pancakes and a few sides, and as soon as the waitress walks away, Jack stands up. “I have to pee.” 

“you know where the bathroom is?” Aaron asks, making sure he’s okay to go alone.

He nods, “I’ll be back.” 

He walks towards the bathroom, which is right beside the kitchen, and out of view from their table. He stands in the doorway and waves his waitress over. “Excuse me?” 

“Did you forget to order something?” 

He shakes his head, “My stepmom is having a baby, can you write ‘congratulations mom’ on her pancakes with chocolate syrup like they wrote happy birthday for my birthday last year?” 

She swoons, “of course, we can! That’s so sweet of you to ask, she’s going to love it.” 

Jack thanks her and does head to the bathroom after, just to make sure they believed where he went. When he comes back, they carry on a conversation like normal, they ask Jack about school and he asks about work and when he’ll get to see Derek and Spencer again, he loves his uncles a lot. He has a playdate with Henry this week, so they’ll get to bond over being big brothers together and Jacks is so overjoyed with the news. He thought he’d have to just watch Henry get a brother and not get to know what it’s like, but now he will. Secretly, he hopes it's a boy, but if he got a sister he’d be okay with that too. He’d love her just as much. 

“Okay, I have pancakes and bacon for Dad,” the waitress says as she places a plate in front of Aaron. “Pancakes with extra syrup on the side for the little guy… and I’ll be back with yours.” 

“Okay,” Y/N smiles at her, she doesn’t mind waiting. 

It takes all of 2 minutes for her to return, the waitress smiles so big the whole room shines. “Here you go, Mom,” she says as she places the plate in front of her.

Y/N’s jaw drops, “how did— Jack?” She knew it was him by the way he giggles and rubs his hands together. “Did you ask them to do this?”

He nods, “it’s a special breakfast, you said so yourself.” 

Aaron looks over at her plate and reads the “congrats mom” written on the top pancake. Even he swoons. 

“Jack, thank you,” Y/N says, she gets up and hugs him in the middle of the restaurant. 

“You’re welcome,” he says with his face pressed to her tummy from their height difference. “I’m really happy for you and my dad, I always wanted a brother or sister… and secretly,” he whispers to her and she moves down so he can speak just to her. He cups his hand over her ear, “I wanted a step mom after my mom died.” 

She hugs him again, even tighter. “I love you, Jack, I really mean it.” 

“I love you, too.” 

—

 She brings a box of donuts into the office on Monday morning, the team watches with wide eyes as she sets the pink box down on the conference table, ready to attack like Vultures. “I know you guys already guessed and probably have a bet going, but, I wanted to tell you all… I’m pregnant too!” 

“Ah!” They all shout as they stand up to congratulate her, they surround her with hugs and questions and happiness. 

“Two BAU babies in one year, what am I going to do?” Penelope teases. “Should we do a combined shower?” 

“Y/N gets the shower,” JJ insists. “This is my second baby, I already have everything I need from the last time, we should celebrate her.” 

“Okay, so a shower and a sprinkle,” Penelope compromises. 

“I’d love that, thank you, Penny,” Y/N smiles at her and then turns to look out the window to see her boyfriend talking to Anderson in the bullpen. “I’m not sure what’s going on, but Aaron will be up in a minute, he’s got some news for you too.” 

“Here,” Spencer rushes over to help Y/N get into a seat. “You don’t need to be standing anymore.” 

“Thanks,” she loves being pampered like this. “I’m still going to come out with you guys for a few more weeks, I’ll be moving to official desk duty at 20, maybe 25 weeks.” 

“I’m not sitting out till my water breaks,” JJ teases. “And if this is anything like the first time, it’ll probably happen around 37 weeks.” 

“He’s your second boy though, he might be a bit lazier,” Y/N says, she’s read all the books, and she’s talked to all the moms. Second boys typically stay in longer than usual.

“Do you know what you’re having yet?” Derek asks, he’s known the longest so this isn’t really a shock to him. 

She shakes her head. “We find out on Saturday, but we think she’s a girl,” she runs her hand over her belly with a smile. “Jack wants a brother to be like Henry but he said he’ll still be happy with a sister, too.” 

“How's that going to work? You and Aaron making a family while he has Jack and their own apartment?” Spencer asks, always wondering about the logistics. 

She shrugs, “I think he’s planning to move Jack and himself in with me but we haven’t talked about it… I’d be fine with it, I’m just worried we’re moving too fast and Jack's going to have a hard time with it all. I mean, I’m not his mom, I can’t replace her and I don’t want to, but the kid is so darn cute and I love him to bits. Playing happy family with him would be easy.”

“Have you talked to him?” Derek asks. 

She nods, “We wanted to take him out for pancakes yesterday and he thought because Aaron only takes him there for big news, that we were breaking up. So we had to tell him before we left and he’s happy, so, so happy he cried… and then he got the waitress to put ‘congrats mom’ on my pancakes. He has a room at my place now, too, and we’re going to go shopping after the ultrasound this weekend. He’s really happy with all this, I’m just scared it won’t last.” 

“He is a sweet kid,” JJ agrees. “I can have Will talk to him when he comes over this week? See how he really feels about all this?” 

“Yeah, that would be good,” Y/N nods. 

“Can I say something?” Spencer interjects. He waits for a nod and then continues. “If someone loved my mom the way you love Aaron and they entered my life when I was 10, right after my dad left, and loved me and cared for me and made a conscious effort to make sure I felt safe and included… it would’ve made a world of difference for me. Having just 1 parent who isn’t around very much is difficult, but you’re making that hurt a bit less for him. When he says he loves you, he means it. Believe me.” 

“Oh spence,” her heart breaks for him. “I had no idea?” 

He shrugs, “newer members wouldn’t… but it’s okay, I have my family here, my childhood just pushed me to get here.” 

Derek reaches over and rubs Spencer's arm, “and we love ya, kid.” 

Spencer just nods, he bites his lip as if there’s more and he doesn’t know what to do and then it all pours out of him. “I uh… I don’t want to make this about me, please don’t—

“It’s okay, Spence,” Y/N sits up a bit straighter and stares at him with a comforting look, “We’re here for you, whatever it is.” 

“My mom's doctor called me and he thinks she might be exhibiting signs of Alzheimer's and they don’t know what to do for her because they’re not a nursing home, they’re a sanatarium,” he explains with teary eyes. “I really don’t know what to do, either.” 

“Bring her out here, we can get her into a facility closer to you and Will and I can help out,” JJ offers. “The boys can call her grandma, we can visit when I’m on maternity leave and you’re on a case, we can take care of her.” 

“And we’ll bring Jack and the baby around too,” Y/N adds. “I’ll be off for the whole year after, maybe longer. I would love to go check on her for you.” 

“We could even reach out to Dave and see if we can borrow his plane cause she doesn’t like to fly,” Penelope is already in planning mode. “We can make it as easy as possible for her.” 

“You guys would really do that for her?” Spencer asks, so close to really crying. 

“Of course, we would,” Derek says, still rubbing his arm to comfort him.

Aaron walks into the room then, “What’s happening?” 

Spencer panics, suddenly feeling bad for sharing his personal life on company time like this is a bad thing. Y/N can see it on her face so she jumps in, “We’re just sharing some personal stuff… I can catch you up later, honey.”

“Okay…” Aaron takes a seat at the table, hesitantly. “But everything’s fine?” 

They all nod, “congrats by the way,” Derek throws in. 

“Oh, thanks,” Aaron starts to smile, overjoyed that everyone knew now. “As you all know, I didn’t really take time off with Jack, so I will be taking 6 months of paternity leave starting mid-September, and my replacement will be Derek. We still need to figure out who will bump up into Derek's space for the time I’m away, but we have lots of time for that.” 

“I would do it, but,” JJ points down at her bump and shrugs. 

“I have reached out to Emily,” Aaron adds. “She’s thinking about it, but if she says no, Spencer I would love—

“I can’t,” Spencer immediately cuts him off. “I have too much on my plate right now, I wouldn’t be the best choice.” 

“Okay, well, maybe one of our new members would be willing to step up,” Hotch slides that in. The rest of them don’t even know who’s joining the team yet.

“Do we know them?” JJ asks. 

He nods, “Dr. Tara Lewis is going to start next month. She’s a forensic psychologist who’s spent the last 4 years interviewing psychopathic criminals to ensure they’re fit for trial, she has a lot of insight on the criminals we’ve caught and she’ll be very handy going forward. However, the reason I’m so late is because I was telling the new guy where to put his things.”

“He’s starting today?” Y/N lights up. “Oh, you guys are going to love him. His name is Luke Alvez, he’s from the fugitive task force and he has a cute German Shepard he got when he came home from Iraq and he’s just amazing.” 

“Wow, that’s high praise coming for you,” Derek teases. 

“Oh hush,” she pushes back. “Aarons the first real man I’ve ever been into, I’m not normally one for the manly, in charge, leader types—

“Okay,” Aaron reaches over to hold her hand and make her stop, he’s getting a bit blushy. “Before we all get written up, the new guy is coming up in a second and we do have a case to get to.”

“That we do,” Penelope stands up with the remote in her hands. “The wheel has been spun and your destination is sunny southern California.”

—

This case is a slow one. 3 bodies over 6 months caused the case to pass by his desk and be on his radar, however, the 4th body was found only 2 weeks after the 3rd and now they’re officially on the case… but they still don’t have enough information. Knowing the timeline, a 5th body should drop within the week with a slue of new evidence for them to look over live and in person. Until then, they all head back to their hotel rooms for some much-needed rest and alone time. 

Aaron leads her from the elevator to their room, he’s carrying both bags while she opens the door and lets them inside. He places the bags on the floor by the dresser with a sigh. “I am exhausted.” 

“Me too,” she agrees with a matching sigh. She places her hands on her hips and sticks her belly out, trying to stretch her back which hurts more and more as their baby grows. 

“Do you want to hop in the shower with me and then we can go to bed?” Aaron asks. 

She nods and makes her way to the bathroom, she turns on the shower and immediately starts to undress. Aaron watches her with a delicate yes, unbuttoning each button on his dress shirt as slowly as possible so he can appreciate her as she gets naked. 

“You coming?” She asks as she steps into the shower, wondering why he’s taking so long to strip.

“Mhm,” he nods, “am I not allowed to admire you?” 

She gives him a knowing look, dipping her head and looking at him through her lashes, “I thought you were tired?” 

“Last time I was tired after a shower, I got you pregnant,” he reminds her. 

She just laughs, “We haven’t had much time to fuck since I got pregnant, have we?” 

He strips out of his shirt and pushes his pants to the ground, “not really, but I don’t mind.”

“I do,” she whines. “There’s nothing I want more than to spend all my time with you in our bed, making up for lost time and appreciating what little we have left before we have a baby… but I feel weird doing it with Jack in the house.” 

“He’s a heavy sleeper and he knocks before entering,” Aaron assures her. 

“Still feels weird.”

Aaron doesn’t fight her, he just gets into the shower with her and watches her relax under the water. They wash off the day with complimentary body wash and share little conversations about their co-workers and even the case. They share sweet glances and soft touches and they don’t want to get out even though they know they should. She just wraps her arms around him and rests her cheek on his chest as the water cascades down her body and his strong hands hold her close. 

Out of the shower, Aaron brings her all of her lotions and creams and he sets her pjs down on the bed to wait for her. He changes into fresh boxers, he checks his phone and hops into their single queen size bed all alone and awaiting her return to his side. When she does return, she smells good and she’s soft and she doesn’t change into her pjs… she stands at the foot of the bed and drops her towel, naked and on show just for him. 

“I think that shower just woke me up, if anything.” 

He smirks, throwing the blankets back, he beckons her closer. “Come on then,” he says, sitting up a bit so he can push his boxers off his hips and slip them down his legs. 

She climbs onto the bed, crawling on her knees towards him, she helps him remove his boxers and toss them to the floor before she takes a seat in his lap. His hands soothe over her thighs, up to her hips and then her pretty little bump. He smirks, keeping his dirty comments to himself. 

The head of his cock brushed her clit as she ground down on him, his hands found her hips once more as he instinctively helped her find a rhythm. He could feel how wet she was, helping her glide over him so easily, her breath hitched every time her hips bucked, she was enjoying herself just like this. It made him even more excited. She leaned in then, kissing his neck as she continued to grind down on him.

“I need you,” he gasped.

She smiled against his skin, lifting her hips enough for him to line up with her before she started to sink down on him. “Fuck,” she gasped as she sat down fully, her hands resting on Aaron's shoulders as she tried to get used to it all. Lifting herself up and grinding down little by little to get the rhythm going again.

Aaron held close as he scoots down the bed a bit, he lays back against the pillows while she stays sitting up. She rests her hands on his chest now, using him for leverage to ride him. He grips her ass, helping her rut against him but it’s hard. She really is tired and riding him takes a lot of effort with a basketball-sized bump between them. She leans in to kiss him on the lips, holding his face with one of her hands. Aaron's hands encapsulate her back, his big strong hands hold her closer

“Fuck,” he groaned, bending his knees, he pile drives up into her over and over. 

She’s been a lot more sensitive since getting pregnant, the simplest, lightest touch to her clit could get her off. Each and every time their bodies connect, his groin slams against her swollen clit, exciting her more and more. 

“I’m so close,” she whispered in his ear, kissing his cheek and resting her open mouth against his. They weren’t kissing, they were panting over each other with their foreheads resting together. “Aaron,” she whines, a bit louder than she expected to be. 

Euphoria fills the empty spaces between them as she came, gasping and shaking over him. He’s right there behind her, sucked in deeper than before, she tightens around him and his hips sputter as he finishes deep inside her. She collapses against him only moments before she lifts her hips and rolls off of him and onto her side of the bed. Still breathing heavily, she covers her face with her arm and melts into the bed. “Holy fuck…” 

Aaron laughs as he turns to his side and cuddles into her, his head on her shoulder and hand on her stomach. “Feel better?” He teases. 

She nods, breathing steadying out. “Too tired to change now.” 

“You gotta pee, too,” he reminds her and sits up. “Come on, the quicker we do this, the quicker we can go to bed.” 

She sighs as she sits up, but she knows he’s right. He helps her back to her feet and he changes while she goes to the bathroom. When she comes back, he hands her her underwear to put on and helps her into a shirt, they fluff their pillows and get under the covers together and go right back to cuddling. 

Aaron has an alarm set for tomorrow morning and the lights turn off. It’s quiet as they lay there, holding one another. “I love you,” Aaron reminds her.

“I love you, too,” she replies, smiling to herself. 

He can sense she wants to keep talking until they fall asleep, she usually does. It’s something he loves about falling asleep beside her, she tells him anything and everything on her mind and it’s always sweet. 

“What are you thinking about?” He asks. 

“Baby names… after Saturday we’ll know who they are and we’ll have to start to really think about a name that suits them,” she explains. “You remember back when the divorce went through and we were talking about names you liked when you thought Jack was going to be a girl?” 

He hums, “like it was yesterday.” 

“I keep thinking about Juliet and how you said you like it… but I like it with e-t-t-e on the end, Juliette Hotchner.” 

“Oh,” Aaron's heart flutters. It sounds perfect for his little girl… if he ever gets his dream of having one. A tear bubbles in his eyes, “yeah. Yeah, it sounds perfect.” 

She places his hand over his, cupping her belly, and she grips it tight. He snuggles in even closer, he kisses her shoulder and lets the tears fall down. “I love you and our family.” 

“We love you even more.” 

—

The case ends mid-day on Friday, but by the time the plane is ready and they’re taking off, Jack is already going to bed back in D.C. with Haley’s sister, Jessica, watching over him. They land around 9pm EST and go right to Y/N’s house to sleep. Aaron texted Jess around 10, telling her that he’d be over in the morning. 

When they show up Saturday morning, Jess is standing in the doorway of Aaron's apartment with a smile. “I have a proposition for you…” 

“Okay?” Aaron is a bit hesitant. 

“My girlfriend is getting into photography again and she’s trying to set up her portfolio, would you guys like some free maternity photos?” 

Y/N's eyes light up, she doesn’t know if Jess means girlfriend like a Girlfriend or like how some women call all their friends girl-friends… either way, she’s excited. “I’d love that!” 

“She’s really nice, you’ll like her,” Jack adds, apparently he’s already met her. 

“Oh,” Aarons just as shocked about it. “When did you meet her?”

“On Tuesday,” Jess admits. “We already had dinner plans so she brought some takeout over and we all ate here, I hope that’s okay?” 

“Oh, yeah, that’s fine. I’m happy you have someone, Jess,” Aaron admits, he’d never say it but he had his suspicions the longer she went without ever having a boyfriend. 

She smiles even more, “Thanks, Aaron… uh, her name is Mel, by the way, she heard Jack talking about you being pregnant and she really wanted to do a shoot for you whenever you’re free.”

“I mean if tomorrow is too soon—

“Tomorrow could work, I can ask her?” Jess jumps in before Y/N even finishes her suggestion. 

Y/N reaches out for Jess’ hand and pulls her close, she hugs her, “I’m so glad you’re okay with all of this.” 

Jess holds her close, resting her chin on her shoulder. “Haley would’ve liked you, you know,” she whispers. 

“Don’t make me cry,” Y/N tries to laugh it off, it’s weird to think how much different all this would be if she was still alive. “I’m going to do enough crying this afternoon.” 

“You find out the gender today, right?” Jess asks as she pulls back. 

Y/N nods, “I’m so excited to know, then we can move on to naming them.” 

“Them?” 

“Oh, no, it’s just one, I just find calling them ‘it’ is weird and calling them she when we don’t even know is making me feel bad cause what if I get attached to them being a girl and then they’re not? You know?” 

“Oh, okay I thought you were having twins I was like… how are you going to do that with Aaron being gone all the time?” 

“I’m taking 6 months paternity leave,” Aaron says and he doesn’t look too happy about the way Jess said that. “I’m still sorry I wasn’t always there for Jack, but they don’t need me as much as they did back then. I had 4 new members, and we were getting the team off the ground again. I can leave easier this time.” 

“What do you mean, Dad?” Jack asks, not ever thinking anything was wrong about his childhood. 

“I’m sorry,” Jess slips in first. “I didn’t mean it like that.” 

Aaron sighs and he ruffles Jack's hair, “I worked a lot when you were a baby.” 

“But you saved people, that’s worth it,” Jack understands.

“He did,” Jess agrees too, even though he couldn’t save the one person that meant the most to all of them. 

“Okay,” Y/N cuts into the tension with a knife. “Jack, are you ready to go? I was thinking we could go shopping before the appointment instead, okay?” 

He nods, “I have to grab my backpack.” 

“Where are you guys going to go?” Jess asks as she grabs her purse, she’s going to leave now too. 

“Ikea,” Y/N enthuses. “We’re going to get a lot of stuff, so hopefully it all fits in the SUV.”

“If not, their delivery options aren’t too bad,” Jess eases her mind. “And I’m free most of the time so if it delivers while you’re gone I can be there for you.” 

“Thank you,” Y/N really appreciates it. 

“Okay, I’m ready!” Jack cheers as he comes running back.

They all take the elevator down to the parking lot, they say goodbye to Jess and Aaron helps Jack into the back of the SUV. “Have you been thinking about your new room, bud?” Aaron asks. 

He nods, “Can we do a superhero theme?” 

“Absolutely,” Y/N’s actually excited about that. “Are we thinking Batman and Superman or Iron Man and Captain America?”

“The X-men…” 

“Oh,” she’s surprised by that. “That sounds cool, we can get some Wolverine sheets and some artwork of the beast and Professor X? Maybe even something for Mystique, she’s my favourite.” 

Jack’s smile lights up his whole face, he can’t believe she knows this much about the X-Men, it’s impressive. So much so, that he feels comfortable completely geeking out with her on the drive to Ikea. He talks nonstop about his favourite comics, the characters and their plots, explaining to her just how cool he thinks Jean Grey is and how he can’t wait to see them make a movie about her one day. What Jack doesn’t know is that while they’re talking, Y/N is searching the internet on her phone for some cool posters about the characters he says he loves so his room can be fully decorated to reflect his passions. 

When they arrive, Jack is so full of energy he takes Y/N’s hand and he drags her into the store, raving on about what colours he wants his sheets to be and how happy he is to have a room he can decorate again. 

“I even asked Derek if we can paint the walls and do wallpaper and he said we can do what ever we want in there,” Y/N explains, “we can fully redecorate it together.”

“That’s because it’s not Dereks house anymore,” Aaron throws in, making them both turn to him with shocked expressions. 

“What?” Y/N asks, not knowing anything about this. 

“I bought it… I wanted our family to have a place to grow and be happy altogether and it’s perfect for us, there’s room for Jack to have his own room, the baby has a room and there’s a 4th room for if we ever have more, it’s perfect for us so now it’s ours. The papers are all ready, we just have to sign them on Monday.”

“Oh my god!” Y/N cheers a bit too loudly for being in the store. “Aaron?” 

“When do we move in?” Jack asks, getting right to the important stuff. 

Aaron laughs as he wraps his arm around Y/N and pulls them both into a hug. “You two get along so famously I couldn’t keep us separate anymore.” 

“I love you,” she rushes out. She can’t find any other words that fit the situation, she just loves him and how much he thinks about their family. 

—

With 40 minutes to get to their appointment, they finally check out with more things than they expected to buy. They got night lights, bed sheets, burp cloths, swaddle blankets, stuffed toys, a crib and baby mattress, mattress protectors, room decor and trinkets, shelves, a changing table and even ordered a rocking chair to be delivered sometime next week… they not only found everything for Jack but the baby’s room as well. 

The baby they’re about to know a little bit more about in a few minutes. 

They say hi to Savannah in the ER and then make their way up to the Obstetrics floor. They have a short sit in the waiting room and then they’re ushered into a little room with ultrasound equipment. Jack and Aaron sit side by side in two chairs while Y/N’s on the exam table, her shirt up over her belly and pants unbuckled with a piece of absorbent towel tucked into them to catch the excess jelly. And they wait. 

“Have you ever seen an ultrasound before, Jack?” Y/N asks. 

He shakes his head, “No… does it hurt?” 

She laughs lightly, “No, buddy, it doesn’t hurt. They use sound waves to see through skin and tissue and observe the baby inside the amniotic fluid.”

“Cool!” Jack nods, sitting up in his seat and wiggling excitedly. 

“Knock knock,” Dr. Connors says as she opens the door. “Oh my, we have a full house today.” 

“Jack, this is our doctor, Sam Connors,” Aaron introduces her. “Sam, this is my son, Jack.” 

“Hi,” he waves to her.

“Welcome, welcome,” she smiles at him. “Are you guys ready to know the gender or are we keeping it a secret?” 

“We’re ready,” Y/N’s quick to answer. She’s giddy with excitement. “You can tell us when you know, we’re not doing a party or anything so you don’t have to write it down like some couples ask you to.” 

“Oh, good that makes this easier for me,” Dr. Conners lets out a sigh of relief. “Its so hard not to slip up and say the right pronoun after I see what’s goin’ on.” 

“We’re ready,” Y/N says with an unbreakable smile. “So, so ready.” 

“And I have to remind you that because this is the 12 weeks can the gender can be hard to tell, we can do blood testing to double check but if they’re in the right position I can probably tell,” she adds. 

“That’s okay, I know sometimes people wait 'till 20 weeks but if you can tell now, I want to know now,” Y/N adds. 

Dr. Connors is quick to squeeze some warmed jelly onto her belly, she grabs the wand and starts to search for their ever-growing little one. She mumbles to herself, “There you are,” as the baby pops up on the screen. “I’m just going to go through and take some measurements and mark the important things and then I’ll turn to you, okay?” 

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Y/N nods. 

Holding Aaron's hand as he sits beside her, she squeezes him for reassurance. And he squeezes back 3 times. A silent “I love you” just for them to know about. 

Time tends to stand still in moments like these. The week of waiting blew by, she can’t believe that this time last week she was putting a bunk bed in jacks room, nervous as hell to tell him about the baby and now they’re all in a room waiting to see said baby. Jack's giddy, she’s overjoyed and Aaron… Aaron glows. His eyes gleam, and his smile is small but it packs a punch with all the emotions he’s trying so hard to conceal. he’s the strong stoic type on the outside, but inside he is a proud father, a loving life partner and the most gentle, beautiful, wonderful man she’s ever known in her whole life. 

There was a time when she only looked at him like her boss. Her hot boss, but her superior nonetheless. Somewhere between realizing the team was her new family and getting to know him as a lifeline and not a leader, she fell in love with him. It was seamless, too. The way she fell out of love with Peter and into love with Aaron, her heart ebbed and flowed with the emotions and the hurt wasn’t too bad because she had him… she doesn’t know pain because Aaron hasn’t left her, and my god, she hopes he never does. 

“Okay,” Sam announces, ripping Y/N from her thoughts. She turns the screen to them and flicks through the screenshots she has taken with labels on everything. “Everything looks good, we’re measuring at 3.6 millimetres, which is just point 1 more than the average ‘normal’ length. Their heart and brain are looking good. On your last blood test, all the screenings came back negative and I’m not seeing any abnormalities or defects, either.” 

Jack's now standing beside her on the table, he wants to be as close as possible to see the baby. “It doesn’t look like a baby,” he exclaims. 

“It’s hard to see but here,” Sam flicks back to the live screen and moves the wand so the baby is in a better position. “This is the head, this is their spine, you can see their little arms and legs here… it’s super tiny, about the size of a plum, or a crab apple. You could hold it in just one hand, that’s how tiny a baby is at 12 weeks.” 

“Oh,” Jacks a bit taken aback by that. “how many more weeks are left?” 

“28,” Y/N is quick to reply, she’s been counting down since week 1. 

“Wow,” he breathes out, his shoulders dropping and all the tension leaves his body. “Do you know if it's a girl or a boy yet?” 

Sam nods, “I do… do you want to come over and read the screen for me?” 

He nods and walks over to her on the other side of the table, Sam turns the screen to him and flicks back to one of the screenshots with the gender labelled. “You see right there, what does it say?” 

Jack gasps and tears bubble in his eyes, and for a split second, Y/N’s heart drops. She’s sure he’s about to read that it’s a boy. He wanted a brother. She had it wrong in her mind this whole time… and then he says it. 

“Female… I’m having a sister.” 

Y/N cries out a happy sob, she clutches her eyes shut and covers her face with her free hand. She can’t believe it. She’s going to have a little girl, a tiny mini-me… or maybe a headstrong, confident little girl who mirrors her dad. Either way, she’s beyond happy. 

Aaron rubs her arm, also crying, “Happy tears?” 

At first, all she can do is nod as she calms down. “I can’t believe we were right,” she says through the tears. “Oh my god!” 

“Congrats, guys,” Sam swoons. She’s overjoyed by this reaction, “I’m going to print out a bunch of pictures for you—

“Can I have one?” Jack asks, cutting her off. 

“Of course,” Sam doesn’t mind. She prints out a long strand of photos from every angle, some with descriptions and some without. And she prints out another single sheet of the best photo just for Jack. 

Dr. Connors cleans up her belly, goes over a few more things and they schedule another appointment for 20 weeks. She has Sam’s number if they need to contact her before then, but after that, they’re good to go home. 

Aaron texts Jess the good news while Y/N is readjusting her pants and giving her belly an extra wipe down before she lowers her shirt, the jelly is so sticky after it dries she still doesn’t feel totally clean but it’s the best she can do right now. 

Jess has talked to Mel and she is free tomorrow so they’re going to be able to take lots of early maternity photos and they have enough ultrasound pics to include in the shoot. Y/N's mind is racing the whole way back to the car about what she wants to do, what she’ll wear, where they’ll take them… she’s never gotten this far before. She never thought she would. 

“Hey, Aaron,” she asks quietly in the car. 

“Hm?” He hums, keeping his eyes on the road but one hand comes off the steering wheel to hold hers over the centre console. 

“Would you be okay with me posting some of the photos on my Facebook? I haven’t even told my parents yet and I kinda want to just announce to everyone at the same time…” 

“Yeah, that would be okay with me,” He doesn’t mind at all. 

“Okay good, I know you don’t have an account and Jess and JJ aren’t allowed to post Jack but, I just want to post something about this,” she explains. 

It's actually something she admires about him, the way he keeps Jack safe from the creeps of the world. It's so easy for people to see his name on the news when he does press conferences and google him that he worries someone could find out about Jack and snatch him up as revenge or just because they could… they’ve seen way too much at work to not be helicopter parents. 

“I won’t post her face or anything when she’s born and Penelope helped me with my safety features when I first joined the team, so we’ll be safe… I just always dreamed about posting a bump photo and telling everyone about my baby one day.”

“I trust your judgement, sweetheart,” he says, caressing her hand with his thumb. “She’s not just my baby, you can set boundaries for her too.” 

“I know… sometimes I forget you’re not like him,” she whispers. 

“Like who?” Jack asks, cause of course he was listening in.

“Uh…” she looks to Aaron for some support, she has no idea what’s appropriate to tell him and what isn’t. 

“Remember I told you she had a mean ex-husband?” Aaron asks, looking at Jack through the rearview. 

He nods. “Yeah…”

“His name was Peter and he was a bit of a control freak, he’s like one of those mean kids at school who make you follow all the rules to a game and will stop the game to tell you where you went wrong or kick you out of the group,” she simplifies it for him. 

“The worst,” Jack says and rolls his eyes. “I’m happy you picked my dad instead.” 

“I didn’t really pick him,” she admits, turning back to look at him with a smile. “Falling in love isn’t that simple, it kinda just happens.” 

Jack smiles back. “like fate?” 

She nods, trying not to cry because that’s the most sweetest and perfect way to put it. “Exactly.” 

This is where she was always meant to be. 

—

One thing she forgot to do in the midst of the divorce and moving on, was delete Peter's family from her Facebook friends. She barely uses the site, so of course it slipped her mind until it was too late. 

She posts 1 picture from their maternity shoot, her belly under lace with the sun setting in the background. It’s beautiful. She adores the photo so it’s the one she picked to share, alongside some ultrasound photos, a single pink rose and the caption “baby girl Hotchner coming this September” 

She couldn’t believe she got to this point, sharing that she’s pregnant with her family and friends, having a big belly or this tremendous burst of love that courses through her veins as she reads all the comments of congratulations.  

And then she see’s it. 

Peter's mother commented. 

“I always knew you’d be beautiful pregnant. So happy to hear your dreams are coming true, dear. Congratulations to you and your new family.” 

It’s nicer than she expected. She knew that Peter’s mom was a sweetheart, but she also knew that he was her only baby and she sometimes took that a little too far… she was the type of boy mom that Y/N never wanted to become.

She simply replies, “Thank you so much, Jane<;3”

She doesn’t get a comment back, instead she gets a private message. “I was sad to know you broke up but after hearing why, I’m so, so sorry for what Peter did to you. He never even told me he had the vasectomy. 

I would love to send you some things I made during the first few years of your marriage to my son, I always wanted a grandchild, but now that I know I’ll never have one I’d still love for your baby to have a homemade blanket from me. You’re going to be a wonderful mom.” 

Her heart breaks for Jane. She would’ve been a good grandma, Mimi is actually what she wanted to be called. There were so many conversations they had about names and birth plans and nurseries… and Peter kept his mouth shut during all of them. He broke both of their hearts. 

So she types back, “My friends at work are throwing me a baby shower in August, you’re more than welcome to come.” 

It takes a few hours but Jane finally responds a little after 11. Y/N and Aaron are just about to go to sleep. He’s in the bathroom, she’s in bed on her phone about to set an alarm and turn it off. But she opens the message anyway. 

“You know where to send the invitation. I’ll see what I can do. And don’t worry, I won’t bring Pete. We’re not really speaking at the moment. I’ll always love you as a daughter, Y/N. I’m so glad we’re still able to talk.” 

She never would’ve thought an olive branch would grow out of the hostile ground of her divorce, yet here she is. Reaching out to a woman she was once related to, with things they can now relate to. 

Horrible ex-husbands.

“What are you smiling at over there?” Aaron asks as he comes back into the room, in nothing but his boxers. 

She looks up from her phone and sighs, smile only widening. “Life is so weird sometimes.” 

Aaron makes his way to the bed, he kneels on the end and crawls up to her only to lay on his stomach between her legs and rest his head lightly on her belly. “Weird but beautiful.” 

“Peter’s mom has been messaging me… she’s really happy for us and not talking to her son,” she shares. 

He perks back up, “Really?” 

She nods, “I’m not sure if she knows about the abuse but she knows about the vasectomy and she’s furious. She wants to send me all the blankets and things that she made when we started trying… so I invited her to the baby shower.” 

“Luckily we’ll have a bunch of agents there to escort her if things get dicey…” 

“I don’t think they will,” she says, locking her phone, she places it on her night table and runs her fingers through Aaron's hair. “But if it gives our baby 1 more grandma, I’m willing to hear her out.” 

“You’re a good person,” Aaron compliments. 

“You’re just rubbing off on me.” 

His brows arch. “I mean, I’m not currently.” 

She lightly swats his cheek, “you pig!” 

He just laughs and snuggles back into her belly. “You love it.” 

She just sighs and lays back, still running her fingers through his hair. “I love you.” 

“I love you too… and you three, Jules,” he whispers to her belly and then kisses her bump gently. 

“So we’re set on Juliette, like firmly? It’s happening?” 

He just nods. “Yep, my baby Juliette. Jules, Julie, juju… I will be calling her all of those nicknames.”

She lets out a little giggle. Smiling to herself, he mind wanders to middle names. “I want to ask Jack for help with her middle name, do you think he’d like that?” 

“He’d love to,” Aaron knows that. “Just look at all his other reactions, the boy is obsessed with getting to have a sister.” 

“He’s going to be the best big brother.” 

“You’re going to love him, Julie,” Aaron whispers to her bump. “You’re going to love everyone we know, you’re going to be so loved baby girl. So, so loved.” 

@mrs-ssa-hotch @14buddy22 @spottedzebrasinpartyhats  

General Taglist 

@ncsls0515 @stevesmunsons @reidsbookclub @sweetyyhippyy @manuosorioh @mrs-dr-reid @k-k0129 @squishyturtle @katsukis1wife @babybisexual @marsmunson86 @ssamorganhotchner

[girlinlotsoffandoms]

day nineteen - ptsd

notes: for those who wanted a follow-up to 'presumed dead' and 'survivor's guilt', this one's for you

TW for (another) plane crash

read on AO3 or below

Trauma was a beast. It didn’t discriminate against who it affected or how, it just did. Trauma could (and would) change every aspect of your life. Trauma could make you unrecognizable.

Kelly Severide was completely different after the plane crash than he was before.

To the untrained, unfamiliar eye, Kelly seemed fine. He did his job to the level of excellence that was usually associated with him, he still hung out off-shift at Molly’s with the rest of the crew, he still taught classes at the Academy, and he still spent the rest of his free time with Stella. Those who knew Kelly, however, knew better.

They were aware of the nightmares and sleepless nights, how he often isolated himself in the firehouse, how he was quieter than usual, and how he was still attending regular therapy appointments of his own volition despite already being cleared by the CFD’s psychologist; they saw it all.

It has been six months since the plane crash and Kelly’s friends and teammates still struggled to find a way to help him. In the initial days after the accident and Kelly’s return to Chicago, the CFD chaplain and psychologist stopped by the station to help them all through the shock and trauma. The further removed from the situation they got, the easier it became to return to “normal”. 

But not for Stella. And definitely not for Kelly. Their “normal” died when the plane went down and now, they were grappling with what their new normal would look like.

It was a challenge they faced every day.

… … …

Kelly was having a good day—a good week—for the first time in months. He’d been sleeping better, was more talkative, and had even started teasing Capp again. It was a welcomed sight for his wife and teammates. 

But all good things must come to an end, as had been the usual for a while now.

It all started when Squad was called out with Squad 7 to a rescue on Lake Michigan. Dispatch had reported a crash and they assumed, at first, that a few boats had collided. Pulling up to the scene, they quickly learned that was not the case. 

There, slowly sinking in the water of Lake Michigan, was a small plane. One of the wings had already sunk below the waterline and the rest of the plane was sure to follow soon. There was no time to waste; if there were still survivors, they needed out as soon as possible.

Cruz, Capp, and Tony shared a look before looking at their Lieutenant. This call was going to be a hard one, one that was sure to stir up some very unpleasant memories. If he needed to sit this one out, if he needed them to step up, they would with no hesitation and with no judgment. Even the guys from Squad 7 shot a look to Severide–news of the plane crash and Kelly’s almost demise had quickly made the rounds through the CFD, as had the after effects on Kelly. The CFD rumor mill was strong and things like that tended to spread fast.

They all watched as Severide took a deep breath and steeled himself. In a surprise to no one, Severide jumped right into action and started dishing out orders and directions. Within seconds there were Squad divers and boats in the water heading towards the plane. 

… … …

It was a hard rescue, physically and emotionally. The damage to the plane was worse than they expected and of the six passengers on the plane, three were still alive but only one made it to the hospital alive. It wasn’t until after all the bodies and rescuers were out of the water that all of the victims of the crash were in the same family.

The ride back to the firehouse was a quiet one; no one spoke, no one made the usual jokes to help lighten the mood as they normally did after rough calls. There was a heaviness in the truck, memories of a situation so similar just a few months prior stirring up all too familiar feelings of grief that the loved ones of the victims lost today would be feeling.

When they pulled back into the station, Cruz, Capp, and Tony all climbed out of the truck as soon as it was parked. They were almost to the common room before they realized Severide wasn’t following them. Turning to look back at the Squad truck, they noticed Severide was still sitting in his spot in the passenger seat, staring off into space.

“Should we?” Capp asked, gesturing towards Severide and the Squad truck.

Cruz sighed and shook his head. “Give him a minute and we’ll send Stella out to talk to him.”

They continued into the common room where the rest of their teammates were.

“Hey! Squad’s back!” Mouch called out. “How was the call?”

The members of Squad sighed and collapsed into the first seat they could find. They were bone tired, not just from the physicality required during the rescue but the emotional drain as well.

“That well huh?”

“A plane crashed into Lake Michigan,” Cruz answered, blankly. “Six victims, all members of the same family. Only one made it to the hospital alive and it’s touch and go.”

The rest of the team sat up quickly in their seats at the mention of a plane crash. Stella, specifically, looked ready to throw up. All the fear and emotion from six months ago came flooding back at the mere mention of a plane crash. “Where’s Kelly?”

“He’s in the truck still.” Cruz started but before he could finish Stella was out of her seat and rushing to the truck bay.

The others watched her leave.

“How is he?” Boden asked, fully prepared to call in replacements for both his Squad and Truck lieutenants.

“He was great at the scene—collected and professional as always.” Tony answered.

Capp continued. “He kind of shut down in the truck on the way back though. Then again, we all did.”

“It shook him up more than he wanted us to see,” Cruz added. “And now that he doesn’t have a rescue to focus on, I think it’s all hitting him.” 

Boden nodded. He couldn’t imagine what the Squad Lieutenant was feeling. “I’ll call in a floater for Kidd.” He looked at Cruz. “You okay to lead Squad for the rest of shift?”

“Yes Chief.”

… … …

Stella knew Kelly needed to go home after that call. She knew he wouldn’t be in the right headspace to continue the rest of the shift. She would’ve been more worried if he’d tried to fight her and Boden on the decision but the fact that he accepted being sent home without so much as a word told Stella the call had affected him far more than she realized. 

Kelly didn’t say a word the entirety of the ride home or the trip up to the loft. He barely made it in the front door before dropping his bag and heading to take a shower. 

Stella didn’t push or try to get him to talk. She knew he’d come talk to her eventually; she could see it bubbling up just under the surface. 

She tried to keep the nerves at bay while waiting for Kelly to get out of the shower but as ten minutes turned to thirty, Stella became even more worried. She made her way to the bathroom and knocked on the closed door. “Kelly?”

She heard the shower still running but didn’t hear a response from Kelly. Opening the door, Stella entered the bathroom where she found Kelly on the floor of the shower, pushed up against the glass wall with his knees to his chest. Despite not being in the water’s direct stream and the water still being hot, Kelly was shaking. 

Stella grabbed a towel, quickly turned the water off, and knelt down in front of Kelly. She draped the towel around him and it was then that Stella realized Kelly wasn’t shaking from the cold–he was shaking from the hyperventilating sobs wracking his body. Recognizing a panic attack, Stella moved closer to Kelly, the knees and legs of her jeans now thoroughly soaked from the shower floor, and grabbed his hand. “Kelly? Hey, focus on me. I need you to breathe..”

“I - I can’t.” Kelly choked out. 

“Yes you can,” Stella nodded encouragingly. She moved his hand to her chest. “Focus on my breathing.”  

It took several agonizing minutes but Kelly finally managed to get his breathing under control. When Kelly was ready, Stella helped him dry off and get changed and sat him on the couch with a cup of coffee while she quickly ducked into their bedroom to change herself. 

She joined Kelly on the couch and her heart hurt to see his hands still shaking. Stella just hugged him close, vowed to be there for him whenever he was ready to talk, and prayed this was just a blip in his recovery and not an entire setback.

[spaceyqueer]

it's trans day of visibility and I used to post selfies of myself on trans day of visibility, but while my face is still probably easy to find I'm not going to share my face today because even if you can see the image of me, the reality of my life right now is that I and many other trans people are invisible. our concerns are invisible, our pain is invisible, our struggles are invisible, while cis people who actively discriminate against us get every camera facing them.

I was referred to the NHS gender identity services in early 2017. I was on the waiting list for gender affirming care until September 2021, which is when I received my first appointment close to five years after I was first referred. After my first appointment, which was an assessment (of which you have to have two, usually, before you receive any medical treatment). I was then booked in for my second appointment with a psychologist in January 2022, but was never actually sent the appointment email (and since this was during the lockdown period, all apointmnets were online) thus I missed the appointment. I called on the day and I called multiple times afterwards before I was finally told that since I'd missed the appointment I would have to wait for when they could fit me in. This turned out to be another six months later, in July 2022, nearly a year after my first appointment. During this appointment, I expressed an interest in hormone therapy and was encouraged away from it and instead got an appointment with a speech therapist. Except, yet again, I never got the appointment email, despite me checking multiple times that they had both my correct home address and my correct email, which they did. Another appointment missed, without even a hint it ever existed. I contacted them, and got told I would have a new one, as well as an appointment with the psychologist from before. I finally got a new appointment with speech therapy in February this year, and an appointment with a different psychologist. That means over a span of about a year and a half I've had a grand total of four appointments. And I've just been confirmed that if I want testosterone, the earliest they'll be able to get any support for me, pending blood tests, is November. Which will be over two years since I initially got off the waiting list.

I'm lucky. My sister, who is also trans, was referred to a brand new gender identity clinic by the NHS and informed she was off the waiting list, expecting her first appointment only to then be left in limbo, as she was told she would be waiting for her first appointment indefinitely. We have no explanation as to why, only guesses that the clinic wasn't fully prepared for the waiting list they received as other people were referred to the sudden new availability. Meanwhile, other trans people I know have been denied referrals, denied hormones, or been waiting so long their mental health declined severely. A few have lost their lives to the long wait, caught in limbo. All this while our government talks about the 'concern' for trans children, and Rishi Sunak publicly agrees with outing trans children to their parents, irrespective of how dangerous it is because 'keeping parents in the dark' is obviously much worse then exposing children to potential abuse, homelessness, conversion therapy (which is still legal in the UK for trans people) or even death. All of this without consulting trans children at all. Pop-culture figures like J K Rowling talk about how women are being neglected as a result of trans rights, while conveniently ignoring the high rates of transphobic and misogynistic hate crimes directed at trans women. 'TERF' Island is a recurring joke about the UK but I find it harder and harder to laugh, even at my own expense

I am 'lucky'. My family (mostly) supports me, I have had appointments with the gender services, and pass enough as a cis woman (despite that making me very uncomfortable, as a non-binary person) that I don't get much harassment on a regular basis. And yet I am still invisible. My coworkers talk about their criticisms of 'trans ideology'. 'Friends' have made jokes about bottom surgery, and how I'd be attractive if I did have it. I've had to ask HR for more training on trans folks, because we've faced abuse from the public for our company being supportive of trans people. I long for a day when this is better. And perhaps on this day I should be sharing a happy story but I couldn't. I really couldn't, and I apologise for that.

I am invisible, and with that I am safe, but I hope for a day when we are visible AND safe.

[asheescribbles]

Recurring patient of higher hierarchy

With a contented sigh, Raphaelle shoved the latest file in the ever growing pile of one-time-visitors. She’ll figure out later how exactly some humans knew she could fix complicated bone fractures… but the answer will likely be ‘you had the vibes‘ anyway, so she was not too concerned.

They got off with a referral to simply check if it healed correctly. And it should. She checked for infections, vital signs, bone density and all other complications that could interfere. The only ‘downside’ might be that this girl was going to overestimate heights-to-safely-jump-from for the rest of her life.

Good work, good mood due to an interesting procedure, and she could prepare for the next appointment.

Oh… riiiight.

The next file… was not in a pile. It was a pile. Most of it marked just pages with a ‘CONFIDENTIAL’-sign, a date, and a redirection to her lovely psychologist colleagues’ notes. There were more pages than last time. So that

Tapping her finger and looking at the flourishing plants… the waiting tea-set… the clean glasses, the neatly filed document… she huffed. There was nothing to prepare. She knew the patient perfectly well and had no need for a refresher.

She pulled out the phone and looked at the old messages… skimming through the ‘friendly reminders’ for the next appointments. Mmmmh.

After one minute of staring, she typed out:

’30 days of only perfectly punctual appointments with Metatron, Herald of the Almighty’

Will today be the 31st? Or is a reset warranted?

Hit send… and put it away.

She had no actual doubt that he would be there ten minutes before the time.

And she did know he’d only been five minutes late. And only to her office: Amurel had blatantly ignored some rule or another and then chewed his ear off with her explanations. He’s even be gracious about it!

But maybe this would be the day he would take the without an argument or comment. It remained to be seen…

[russellsppttemplates]

Calming hearts (Part 1) (Pierre Gasly)

Part 2

Note: english is not my first language and this is really f-ing long and I don't know how I feel about it; also, any knowledge here is based on what I've learnt and know, and some from experience

Feedback is appreciated 🤍 and although I'm not taking requests per se, if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so!

Tw: mentions of dementia symptons, past relationship that ended because of infidelity

As you helped Mrs Martin into the hair salon, you greeted Pascale Leclerc, the lovely lady who you had met through the rehabilitation center you worked in. Becoming a psychologist, you were always fascinated by the human mind and how it worked and when you got the offer to work in a center that helped people with dementia have a nice quality of life and potentiate their capacities, you couldn't not accept.

"Hi, sorry for the hour, we tried getting here a bit sooner but there was a bit of traffic", you said as your colleague Mila also got inside, "Nonsense, I told you I had time, no need to worry, how are we today?", she asked greeting the both of you, "She was a bit restless this morning, hence why Mila came to help me, but she was also really excited to come here, she even asked to put on her pearl necklace, right Mrs Martin?", you kneeled next to her so she could see you eye to eye in her chair. "Yes, I want it like last time, if that's possible", she said to Pascale, who complied and started prepping her tools.

Being a psychologist didn't have 'accompanying patients to their hair appointments' in your job description, but the only way Mrs Martin was able to settle down was usually with you, and being out of the center was always an experience full of stimuli, capable of triggering anxiety for Mrs Martin, so when your manager asked you if you could go with Mila to the salon, you couldn't say no.

"But darling, can you stand by me please?", the elderly woman asked, "I'm right here, don't worry", you replied as you shuffled a chair so you could sit close to her and not get in the way of Pascale.

After you fell into a comfortable silence and Pascale placed the different rollers on Mrs Martin's beautiful grey hair, you heard the door open and two male voices, "Mama, I was just checking on you an- oh sorry, I thought you were done for today, sorry. Hi everyone, Y/N, hi", he apologised and did a quick wave, as did the man that entered beside him, "Oh Pierre, darling, I haven't seen you in forever", Pascale said as he went and gave a quick hug as she carried on with rolling and pinning hair.

You briefly knew who they were, since Pascale was very proud of her son's accomplishments and had, on of the the hair salon trips, told you all about it and, through some instagram searching, you also knew the other man was Pierre Gasly, another F1 driver and best friend of Charles.

As Charles and Pierre made some small talk with Pascale, you felt Mrs Martin's hand squeeze yours very very tightly and her eyes started frantically searching for something, letting you know she may start to feel slightly disoriented, "It's okay, Mrs. Martin, we're at the hairdresser", you said, crouching down and trying to help her, "Are we, Y/N? Where's Pascale?", she asked, and you nodded at her so the hairdresser could place herself in her eyesight, "I'm right here Mrs Martin", she bent down so she could see her. Working with people with particularities like Mrs Martin had, you needed patience and empathy, and Pascale always demonstrated those qualities which made her the person the rehabilitation center trusted and it warmed your heart a little bit that she was this attentive.

"Do you want me to play some music for you Mrs Martin? The ones we both really like?", you asked once she settled and started to feel acquainted, knowing how much music helped her calm down. "Yes dear, the one we always dance together", she asked and as you were about to grab your phone it slipped from your back pocket and slided on the clean floor away from you.

"Here you go", Pierre grabbed your phone and placed it in your hand, "it doesn't look like anything happened to it", he finished.

"Thank you, it was just a little tumble", you smiled at the driver and logged into your Spotify to play the music.

The boys finished what they were talking about and bid farewell to you, leaving you to the job ahead.

Finishing everything with Pascale, she helped you get Mrs Martin outside, "Thank you again Pascale, you always make me feel very beautiful", she went to side hug her with her shaky arms, "It's always easy when I have such a beautiful canvas like you".

As you made your way back to the center, Mila spoke up, "You know the other guy in there was looking at you right?". "Who? Charles? It's not the first time he's been in the salon, i've met him before", you recalled, "No, I'm talking about the other one. He was positively smouldering, especially everytime you spoke to Mrs Martin, he had his eyes glued to you", Mila said as she parked the car.

"I'm sure he was just curious, possibly making fun of my phone cover", you said as you looked at the pun written on it, yeah, you liked humour and you were not even sorry about it.

Little did you know that in a restaurant on the other side of the city, you were also a topic of conversation, "So you're telling me you know her?", Pierre asked Charles as the waiter left after taking their orders, "yeah, I've seen her in the salon before, she goes there regularly", he said referring to the conversations he had with his mom.

"And how often is that? What does she do? She works at a hospital?", Pierre spilled a little bit of what was going in his mind, "She's a psychologist, she works in that dementia center just outside the city, and she's about our age. She comes to Pascale's with the patients that don't so so well in crowded places so they can still get their hair done", Charlotte pitched in earning a confused look on Charles' face. "What's that face for, huh?", Charlotte pointed, "How do you know so much?", Charles asked his girlfriend, "I went to your mum so she could do my hair and she was there too, we were both in that stage where you kinda look like an egg and yeah, we got talking, she's really nice", she paused, "she told me about this really cool project she's doing, they are seeing the relation between music stimuli and dementia, the other day I went in there too just to check on your mum and she was there too, telling about how they got a former ballerina talking when they played a song she used to dance, and how she even danced a bit with her arms", she finished.

Both drivers stood dumbfounded at the amount information she knew, and most importantly, "Why didn't you introduce her to me?", Pierre asked, leaving Charlotte and Charles holding their laughs until couldn't hold anymore and let them slip, "What's so funny?", the Alpha Tauri driver asked.

"She's too smart for you", Charles chipped in, earning a flick of the ears from his girlfriend, "sometimes I also feel like I'm too smart for you and yet here we are", she continued, "but Pierre, I really like you, you're a good guy, but she doesn't seem like a chewing gum girlfriend, one you have for how long you like it and then chuck away". He understood where Charlotte was coming from, he really didn't have the best record when it came to dating, so he took no offense to it really, he knew it was the truth, "I know, I know... but my god she was so so so gorgeous", he sighed as the waiter returned with their drinks.

Time passed and you found yourself in front of Pascale's salon again, your hair in a bun as you entered the place, "Hi Y/N, it's so nice seeing you here! Don't get me wrong, I adore all my clients from the center but it's nice seeing you here taking a bit of time for yourself", she greeted you. "Hi, how are you? Yeah, feels nice taking a few hours for myself", you replied as you set you bag down and sat on the chair, turning to greet whoever was in the other chair whose back was to you. "Hi Y/N, hadn't seen you in a while, how are you?", Charlotte asked, "Hi Charlotte, good, and you? Yeah, it's been a while, and this hair shows it", you made a face as you let it out of its bun, and Pascale quickly chipped in, "Nothing I can't fix!".

Dividing her attention between your's and her daughter in law's hair, the three of you fell into a comfortable chat which was only interrupted when Charles entered the place to pick up his girlfriend, "Hey everyone", he greeted placing a kiss on both foreheads of his mum and girlfriend, complementing the latter on the new hair do before greeting you, "Y/N, you good?". Hearing your answer and making a little small talk, he looked at his girlfriend and, when his mum went to rinse your hair, Charlotte took the opportunity to push him aside, "How serious was he about it?", she asked referring to Pierre. "Last week she posted a picture working in her laptop and he asked me if her hands were really pretty or if he was just going mad", he replied, "and the one before that he was tipsy and wanted to send a her a instagram DM declaring that he never felt this for someone he hasn't talked to", leaving him and Charlottle cringing at the idea, "both me and George advised him against it and in the end he complied, but not because he gave up on the idea".

"Maybe she can come to the party tonight", Charlotte proceeded to explain, "it's not a crowded place and maybe they can get to know eachother a bit maybe? She's really lovely and I'd hate for her to be treated less than what she deserves, but I also know Pierre is a great guy and maybe they have a shot at something good, you know? Also, she's really funny and I could use some company like her in our group and in the paddock", she finished. Charles thought about it for a bit, "yeah, actually I don't think Pierre even mentioned any girl since the dinner, even when we were in the race after party, a few girls came up to him and he denied, politely, but denied", he said. It was true. Never had he seen his best friend refuse female attention and that day was almost like he saw a new Pierre. "And they didn't go to you?", Charlottle teased, "Nah, they already know I'm taken by the most beautiful girl ever", he finished pressing a kiss to her cheek just in time as you sat on the chair in front of the mirror. One last look between the couple and Charlotte was ready for business, "Y/N, you said you didn't have any plans for tonight right? Why don't you go out with us tonight? It's a small gathering in the club, it's usually not too crowded and it's nice to have fun", she offered, and even though you weren't usually one to party, you replied "oh thanks, I think I'll accept the invite actually", feeling like a good 'dance it out' moment would help you relieve some of the stress. After swapping numbers so Charlotte could text you the details, the couple left, leaving a very excited Pascale to work on your hair, "I'm gonna make you even more gorgeous!".

As Charles began driving them both to their place, Charlotte opened her message app, texting Pierre

to: Pierre

Y/N is going to be at a party tonight, we invited her. You have this shot to make the right thing, which I hope you know what it is or I'll make sure your legs never allow you to drive again.

In a certain French driver's room panic installed. What did she mean about Y/N being at the party? Was she joining them? Did they invite her? Makes sense if they did, she wouldn't of known about it if they hadn't invited her. Most importantly, what was he gonna do now? He didn't want to ruin it, you were all he had been able to think about in his free time since he first saw you, and since he had found your instagram he knew he was gone. You didn't post all that regularly, and preferred to post views instead of your face, but the pictures you uploaded of yourself left Pierre wanting more, wanting to know you. He remembers this specific one where you looked so angelic, in a white linen dress, what he assumed was your natural wavy hair and bare faced, enjoying your summer vacation.

How someone like you could exist was still a mistery to him, but he would be damned if he let you slip away from him. So he called his best friend, "What do I wear? And how do I approach her? I have never even talked to her? What if she doesn't want to be in my company if I go talk to her? Worse...! What if she has a boyfriend?", truth was he had scrolled through your account and didn't see any pictures or comments that alluded to a relationship, and in all honesty, he was always silently hoping you were single.

"Of all people, you call Charles for fashion advice? I thought you knew better Gasly", Charlotte teased as her boyfriend set the call on speaker, "And do you really think I would try to set you up with someone who's not single? Are you out of your mind? We were getting our hair done today at the same time and in the middle of the conversations we had she mentioned that she and her boyfriend broke a long time ago and that she wasn't seeing anyone", she answered the driver, "Just be you, treat this like you would treat a normal night out. She's a really chill girl, she's not fussed by all the things you usually do to wooo other girls, so maybe work on that, mon ami". "Honestly mate, just be yourself, like Charlotte says, she's very chill", Charles encouraged, receiving a reply, "easy for you to say, you were both whipped from day one, all romantic and stuff", Pierre huffed, "but I'm gonna see what I can do. Thanks guys, especially Charlotte, I owe you this one", he said, "Yeah you do Gasly", she replied before hanging up.

After dinner and checking the schedule Charlotte had texted you, you opened your wardrobe, running your fingers through the options you had to wear tonight. Settling in a pair of black pants and a burnt orange coloured one shoulder top, you were quick to strip out of your clothes and change your outfit, grabbing a simple black bag out of your drawer and then heading to the bathroom for makeup. Since Pascale had done your hair in loose waves, you just clipped them away from your face while you applied some foundation to even out your skin tone, hiding the dark circles that came with the little sleep you'd gotten that week, bronzing, highlighting and contouring what needed, doing your brows and applying some mascara to your lashes. You weren't too fussed about makeup, choosing to stay on the simpler side of things, not bothering with the little moles and pimples that still showed through.

Checking if you were on time, you grabbed your daily watch and clasped it to your wrist before clasping your necklace on your neck and putting simple hoop earrings, appreciating your final look in the mirror.

Not too much but not too little. You looked good, really good even. And it had been awhile since you felt that nice about yourself and the prospect of meeting new people. And maybe, just maybe, meeting a certain French driver. Truth was he was really handsome, that was a no brainer, you had looked through his instagram page and he had enough proof of that in there. But then he could not be there, or he could be but not be as interested in you as Mila had lead you to believe.

Grabbing your black coat, your bag, slipping on your black heels, which gave you a bit of height but still comfortable enough so you could be dancing on your feet for the next few hours and checking if you had everything you needed, you sent Charlottle a message saying you were leaving your place, like she asked and made your way to the club.

When you got in, you spotted the booth where they were hanging out, Charlottle looking gorgeous in her black dress as she waved at you, "Everyone this is Y/N", she said as you went around saying hello to everyone as you got comfortable, "the boys are getting the drinks", she said as she sat down next to you, "thanks again for the invite, I think this is what I was needing", you said as you also complimented her, "you look stunning, teach me". "Aw thanks", Charlotte replied, "so do you, your top looks amazing on you, and you're glowing... oh, there they come", she said as she saw Charles and Pierre approaching the table with two trays of drinks. After distributing what everyone ordered, Charles greeted you and offered, "I'm not fussed by either of them so Gin or Vodka?", pointing to the cups filled with alcohol and some fizzy drink, "Gin if you don't mind, thank you", you said as you grabbed the cup, feeling a hand touching your shoulder briefly, "Sorry, can I move your coat to the back of the chair so I can sit down?", Pierre asked.

So he was here, and he was looking as handsome as ever, in a tan shirt and white jeans, and he was going to sit next to you, "Oh, no need to apologise, I'm the one who's sorry", you replied, placing your coat on the back of the chair along with your bag, "I'm Y/N, by the way", you said, "I know...", he replied, "from the salon the other day, I'm Pierre".

The group quickly fell into easy conversation, at some point diverging to specific people and, before you took notice, Charlottle and Charles were nowhere to be seen and everyone else was dancing, not noticing it since you had been talking to Pierre for, what you clocked, at least half an hour.

"Really? I can't believe you did that", you said laughing with tears in your eyes, he was telling a story about a prank he had pulled on Charles years ago and you were sure you were falling. He was handsome, funny like you had never heard before, charming and patient, never talking above or interrupting you.

As you were about to speak, Charlotte came out of nowhere and pulled you, "Let's go and dance!", grabbing your arm and urging Pierre to follow along.

The club was not packed, something you were grateful for as you had more space to dance and move around freely. As the boys went back to get drinks, you politely declined any drink and, after your offer of help was declined, you stayed with Charlottle dancing.

You were enjoying yourself until you felt a hand on your shoulder, making you move further, thinking another person wanted to pass and that you were in their way, "C'mon now, you don't need to be shy", and you froze, recognising the voice, turning on your back to confirm it did indeed belong to your ex-boyfriend, "didn't think I would find you here today, or ever for that matter. Finally realised you're not enough for a PhD?", he asked.

And you could've been nice, really, if he hadn't gone there and touched your Achilles' heel.

"And why would I need to give you any satisfaction about what I do or don't do? It's not like you ever cared about it, you only wanted to know where I was so you could run off to your other girl", you spat, looking briefly at a worried Charlotte that, after your comment, smirked back at you. "She was no fun after a bit, but you were always a good and funny little thing", and as he went to place his hand on the skin of your shoulder that wasn't covered by your top, another hand was quicker. "Everything okay here?", you heard Pierre say, "I see how it is then", your ex turned in his heel and left, leaving a shudder down your spine as you tried to integrate the whole situation, "You okay, Y/N?", Pierre asked, sensing the tension on your body. Replying quickly "yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm just gonna go to the outside balcony for a bit, it won't take long I promise, excuse me", you left the group, popping by the booth to grab your coat and head to the balcony outside.

Looking for somewhere to sit, you found a long bench near the railing and sat down, admiring the city lights. Why did he have to show up in the same place on the same day that you decided to go out and relieve some stress? Whoever was up there responsible for today was having a good laugh.

Hearing another person enter the balcony, you hoped it wasn't him and as you looked, it was Pierre, "May I sit here?", he asked, not wanting to spook you. After you nodded, he sat down next to you and took in the view, waiting for you to break the silence, "Thanks, for saving me back there", you said just above a whisper, if he hadn't been so focused on you, you couldn't be sure he had even heard it.

"You wanna talk about it?", it just slipped from his mouth before he could even register it, and he didn't know why he thought you would want to talk about it, but he was wrong. "It's past waters. That was my asshole ex boyfriend, asking wether or not I had given up on my PhD. He was never that happy about me taking it on and thought that since I was here that I had dropped it", you replied simply, and Pierre pushed a little more, "Asshole ex-boyfriend?". You let out a chuckle, "yeah, he cheated on me because I spent too much time studying and wasn't by his side 24/7 nursing every need he had, apparently I was too selfish, so he cheated on me for 6 months before I found out".

His jaw was fixed and tense, his intense blue eyes on you, wondering how someone could be so dumb to the point of letting you go. How could someone have you and not think you were worth everything they had and more?

"Sorry, just spilled my anger in you here", you let out a breathy chuckle, "Better with me like this than in that douche's face right? Or somewhere else that would make him unable to have kids", Pierre replied, making you break into a full giggle. "Trust me, by doing the latter I would be doing humanity a favour, the universe doesn't need more of people like him", you finished, bringing the both of you into a fit of giggles.

"All I wanted was a nice night without having my laptop attached to my hip, dance a little and enjoy myself an-", you exasperated, "You can dance with me here, I think we make a fine pair", Pierre said getting up and stretching his arm for you to take. Getting up you noticed the two people who were in the balcony when you got there had already left, leaving just you and Pierre and some slower songs playing from the speakers inside.

You took his hand and let him dance with you, bodies close and moving to the song, and, full of courage, you took a risk and laid your head on Pierre's chest, enjoying the feel of his heartbeat against your cheek. Was he nervous like you were? Anticipating eachothers movements and possible affections?

"It was amazing how you did it, you know. When we were in Pascale's, you played the music and she calmed instantly", Pierre said, feeling how your heart had settled in a steady and slower rhythm that it had been when you were inside. "There are things that can calm you down instantly", you replied, "people too", as you looked into his eyes in the starry nightsky.

You were enveloped in his arms, dancing a slower romantic song and all Pierre wanted to do was kiss you everywhere. But this was Y/N, he didn't want to ruin this in the slightest, having enjoyed the conversation you had and eager to learn more about you. So he continued swaying until the music died down a bit and then one of the guys came to tell you that they were thinking of leaving.

"Do you want to go?", the french driver asked you, making you nod and, grabbing his hand, exit the balcony and leave the club.

Sorting out everyone's way home, and since you didn't live that far, Pierre offered to walk you home, even after you insisted you would be fine on your own.

The first few minutes were filled with comfortable silence and Pierre's hand firmly holding your hand in his, "I just want you to know that I really like you", he blurted suddenly, "but I also want to take things in a slower pace, in a pace that you are comfortable with, if you want to continue this", he waved his other hand between you as you walked up to your front step.

"I'd like that very much too... I'm not... Goodness, I feel like I don't know how to date, but I really like you too...", you squeezed his hand.

"So I'm gonna give you my phone number and we can schedule dates according to our agendas, I don't want to make you lose time on your PhD and I'm not always here, but I think we can make it work", he said grabbing your other hand and looking into your eyes. Yeah, his eyes were one of your weaknesses.

Removing your hand from his briefly, you both saved your contact in eachother's phone.

"So I guess we'll talk then?", you spoke, not wanting him to leave but knowing how you both needed sleep, "Just promise me you'll text back, because I really like you, if you haven't noticed", he said making you blush as you hugged him, hiding your embarrassment in his chest.

Getting inside and ready for bed, you we're fluffing your pillow when you got a text like he promised he would send, "Just got home safe. Have a good night angel, sleep tight", leaving all fuzzy inside and replying to him wishing him a good night as well.

Maybe whoever was up there responsible for this knew what they were doing after all.

Click here for part 2!

[hummingbird-of-light]

In Our Favor

Part 191

McCoy

With afternoon classes canceled for the academy’s guest visitors, McCoy nearly forgot about his appointment with Dr. Cuthbert. He hurried away from the medical crew he had been listening to with Christine and Eugene and made his way to the counseling building.

The sessions with the psychologist were a tiring part of his week; digging into his feelings and expressing his fears left him drained. And he wasn’t quite sure yet if the sessions were helping with his fear of flying. Maybe he was a slight bit steadier in the simulator the day after, but it was going to be a slow process.

He hoped, as he followed Dr. Cuthbert to his office, that the day’s session wouldn’t get too heavy. He wanted to enjoy the rest of the time they had with Mr. Pike, without forcing himself to be present.

“How are you today Leonard?” the doctor began as they sat down.

“Ok,” McCoy said honestly. “The visitors have been interesting. It’s been good to hear from people who’ve been out there.” He glanced up at the ceiling, indicating far up above them.

“Did you have any ties to Starfleet before coming here?” Dr. Cuthbert asked.

“No,” McCoy shook his head. “Not until I began at my previous school. Our headmaster was formerly in Starfleet. And my husband and some of our friends had wanted to join for ages.”

“Headmaster…,” Dr. Cuthbert said thoughtfully. “Christopher Pike is that?”

“Yes sir,” McCoy said. “He’s here today. Do you know him?”

“Know him? No, I know of him, but I’ve never met him. We were a few classes apart I believe.”

McCoy nodded in acknowledgment, and they sat for a moment in silence before Dr. Cuthbert began to ask about McCoy’s experience in the simulator after their last session.

He left the counseling building with a sigh. Dr. Cuthbert had not gone on as deep a dive as their last sessions and McCoy was grateful for that. This time the doctor had suggested some strategies and exercises McCoy could utilize when his fear began to rear its head. He hoped deep within himself they would help.

McCoy pulled his comm from his pocket, but he had no messages. Scotty had met him after his previous appointments, but he knew his husband was probably off happily talking engineering. He turned to head for the dining hall. Perhaps he’d find Scotty there.

“I did not turn my back on Starfleet,” Pike said firmly to Cmdr. Madison. “I was given an opportunity to help give the next generation of officers a start and I took it.”

Madison made a noise of disagreement but did not reply.

“How many well prepared young men and women have I sent here?” Pike asked. “How many have become well respected and knowledgeable officers?”

“Hmph,” Madison grunted. “Some perhaps would say you could have turned them into well respected officers onboard a ship. And you had your pick of any ship in the Fleet nearly.”

Pike sighed.

“I’m where I belong Harold, as are you, and I am happy with what I chose.”

“I suppose it was nice to see you then,” Madison said. “Perhaps you could remember to teach your next students some respect for superior officers.”

“Perhaps,” Pike replied icily. “A joy to see you as always.”

Madison nodded his head and walked away.

Jim looked at Pike with wide eyes. “What happened between you two?”

“That’s none of your business Jim,” Pike said firmly. “You just remember to behave yourself. All of you,” he said looking around the table at each of his former students and their new friends.

“How was your appointment?” Scotty asked McCoy quietly as they walked back to their dorm later in the evening. They had spent more time after dinner with Pike and talking with some of the other visitors.

They had said their goodbyes to the headmaster and left him in Jim’s company. Jim had been at Pike’s side since they had gotten up from dinner. The future captain obviously wanted a bit of time with Pike, so one or two at a time the rest of the friends had said their goodbyes and left.

“It was alright,” McCoy told Scotty. “We talked about some things to help me cope when it gets bad.”

“That’s good,” Scotty said, giving McCoy’s hand a squeeze. “Maybe I could think of some ways to help you cope too.”

McCoy grinned at the playful note in his husband's voice.

“Oh? Like what?” McCoy asked.

“Maybe I’ll tell you about them once we’re home,” Scotty chuckled.

Part 192

Scotty

After some relaxation – well, if one could call it that – Scotty and Leonard were resting in bed together, bodies pressed tightly against each other, foreheads touching.

"So? Do ye feel better now, mo ghràdh? Is this a good coping strategy?" Scotty asked, a cheeky smile forming on his lips. His husband chuckled, then gave him a nod.

"It sure is," Leonard whispered before a theatrical sigh left his mouth. "Unfortunately I don't think that we can use this strategy in public."

"Oh, I'm quite certain that just thinking of it will help ye. Just... close yer eyes and imagine this," replied Scotty, a playful undertone filling his voice. He grabbed Leonard's hand and placed it on his bare chest. The smile on the prince's face widened.

"I'll make sure to try that tomorrow."

Their mouths found each other once more and Scotty let himself sink into the kiss. He wanted to do everything in his power to help his love get better and if it was something so pleasant, he couldn't ask for more.

On the next morning, they all met for breakfast. Everyone was still chatting about the previous day, about who they had met and what they had talked about.

It had been a great opportunity to learn from people who were experienced officers. Scotty had talked to a pair of engineers who were still serving on important ships, but had been allowed to travel to Earth for this special day. They had told him and some of the others about the newest technologies they were testing in active service. Scotty loved to hear about those things. It had to be awesome to actually work aboard a ship and not just talk about it in theory.

"So? What do you guys think of Mr. Pike?" Sulu turned his head to look at Cora, Eugene and Aporal curiously. The three of them had been with them for most of the time.

"He's really nice. I'm sure he would've made a great captain," Cora said with a smile. Since Pike had taken the command route like her, she had talked a lot to him.

"True. He seems like a good man. I bet he was a great headmaster," Eugene agreed and everyone nodded.

Scotty smiled softly as he remembered everything the man had done for them when Leonard and him had been kidnapped. Pike had tried everything in his power to save the boys. Just like when Robbie had been abducted. Christopher Pike really was a great person.

"What do you think, Aporal?" Jim asked the Andorian who only shrugged his shoulders.

"He appears to be a man with strong beliefs. Stands up for himself. I guess our swordsman here was right. I like him."

A grin crossed Sulu's face. He had known it right from the start.

"I'd just really like to know what happened between him and Madison. I asked him again after dinner, but Chris just wouldn't tell me," Jim mused, looking very disappointed about that fact.

"We all have our secrets, Captain."

"Yeah, Aporal, we do. When will you tell us about yours?" Jim turned his head to look at Aporal and Scotty felt his stomach twist at hearing the question.

For a second the Scotsman expected Aporal to be harsh, but the Andorian only smiled as he got up from where he was sitting.

"Me?"

Jim huffed.

"Oh, come on, you're the biggest mystery ever. Acting like you're the toughest guy in the whole Federation when actually you hide something beneath that hard shell of yours."

"Jim," Scotty said in a warning tone, but Aporal didn't seem too impressed.

"How about you try and find out? Try to find that soft core you believe to be hidden inside of me."

With a last wave of his hand, Aporal walked off, leaving everyone behind to stare after him.

Determination filled Jim's eyes as he kept them fixed on the leaving boy.

"Oh, I will. Challenge accepted."

[zaceouiswriting]

Sweet reminder of love

Character: Dick Grayson x male reader

Universe: Somewhere happy in DC

Warnings: Fluff

Two times the darkness of the night went over you, which you only got to see, whenever you had the chance to look out of one of the bulletproof windows. Which wasn’t often, because you had worked all the time. With only getting one or two hours of sleep, if you were lucky, at a time for multiple shifts.

All your life, you wanted nothing else but to help people. So you studied medicine, quite early and finished even faster. All in all, you were a doctor with twenty-five. The youngest full medical doctor in the history of your country. You never cared. Never had a real social life or friends, because of your own intelligence and your parents, drilling you to get to your goal as fast as possible.

Which changed, after you finally moved out of your parent's home, when you finished university and began to work as an assistant doctor at a hospital.

You met a young detective the best of his class, popular, handsome, and very outgoing. Pretty much your entire opposite. Thanks to him, your social skills increased drastically in just a few months and one thing led to another. Before you knew it, you slept regularly together until you were an official couple.

Now at twenty-seven, after five years of relationship, both your lives got increasingly difficult. You with the chance to get the youngest medical director your department ever had. Not the youngest of all, but you would be in this little group. Actually, the man currently in this position, now sixty-seven, started with thirty-one.

While your boyfriend's job became quieter after the police department got more funding, he had to care for you most of the time.

Just as this day. You finally came back home after a sixty-hour shift, completely empty, almost on the verge of crying. Not only because of your sleep deprivation. More because you lost your first patient in your entire medical career. Devastated you walked or more staggered through the front door of your house.

At the first sound of your keys finally, trying to open the door, Dick almost ripped the door out of his frame, immediately pulling you in a hug. He had visited you multiple times, but he still missed you.

„You smell so good,“ you whispered in his broad muscular chest. Sleepiness almost overcame you right there.

„And you stink, as if you haven’t showered in three weeks,“ you teased you, which you only retorted with a dark, sad chuckle.

„I lost someone today. After trying to save his life for hours. He was stable and I looked away for a second before hell broke loose. I had to tell a wife and their three children, the youngest five and the oldest fifteen, that their dad and husband would not come back.“ At this point tears, rolled down your cheeks uncontrollably.

Dick was speechless, for him, you were a superhero on your own, Never have you ever lost someone it didn’t matter how bad the situation was.

„Everything will be alright, you already have an appointment with a psychologist, right?“ His voice was soft, which made you feel like you were floating on a cloud. Or it's just the caffeine and adrenaline, slowly washing out of your body.

You only nod at his question, too tired to speak further. Immediately taking action, Dick swept one of your feet, one arm under your legs, while his other is stabilizing your chest. With your head against his chest, you almost fell asleep in his arms.

„I will give you a bath, okay? You can sleep if you want, I even dry you off.“

„As long as it is the only thing that is getting off, I'm okay with it,“ you mumbled more sleepy than before.

Dick wasn’t even fazed by your blatant flirting sleep-deprived. Since he knows you, it is your go-to defense mechanism. That you never realized you did.

And he did just that. Gave a nice bubble bath, sitting with you in it, cleaning your body, the hair even covering your mouth and nose, so nothing would get into it. He was trained at this point, if he would lose his job, he could become a nurse in no time.

Even drying off, putting you in pajama shorts, and rolling you into one of your blankets. Just to call on into work, telling them, that he couldn’t make it and why. They were understanding, giving him even a couple of days, to care for you properly.

So he laid down beside you, kissing your head, before putting both of you under a big blanket together. Even in your little sushi roll, he cuddled behind you, his arms protective around your roll never letting you go. A small box he had prepared out in the open on the dresser, that he had forgotten to put away.

Dick himself just came back from buying it. Just as your boyfriend himself fell asleep, a soft, „Thank you.“ And shortly after this a just as soft, „I love you.“ Came from you. Letting his heart swell multiple times bigger.

A wide smile on his face, as he finally fell asleep, with you in his arms. Life was beautiful for you two. It only could get better from there on out.

[aspd-culture]

Greetings,

1. Your content is very helpful, big thanks for answering questions so thoroughly!

I have aspd+npd and adhd.

cd in childhood ✔️

So I started therapy again, had my 3 visits to get-to-know-eachother and soon will have weekly or so appointments.

Now she ain’t really familiar with cluster b (I know I know…), but no other therapist in my area takes new patients or is familiar with the topic either.

Now today I told her about my diagnosis’s straightforward and she’s all about “not labeling symptoms as diagnosis’s”, she’s an in depth-psychotherapy psychologist and works with the NVC nonviolent communication concept by Marshall Rosenberg *deep sigh*

“Based on the teachings of Sigmund Freud, traditional psychoanalysis deals with the reconstruction of long-repressed memories, while depth psychology focuses primarily on the "present conscious".”

Now I know I will have to withhold my “I know better about this” reactions to some degree, I told her about cluster b treatment being specific and a lot of other disorders have same/similar symptoms aka having labels like aspd&npd IS HELPFUL CUZ NOW YOU KNOW WHAT YOURE WORKING WITH?? (+do precise research)

but we talked a little bit about me experiencing npd shame and she was like: “well that contradicts itself, you cannot have aspd and experience shame, aspd lacks that & you appear to be a nice lady anyway” *implodes*

The mocking laugh I had to withhold omg.

Now going by the books at least >3 symptoms have to be present & I have more than that.

Everyone experiences it differently, idk if it’s even considered somewhat of a spectrum?

And I HAVE THE LITERAL DIAGNOSIS ANYWAY.

Like what does she not get about me ALSO HAVING NPD COMORBID?! and shame being the core of NPD?

Now… I’ll probably stay with her for a while (if I have the self control) since I really need therapy to some degree at least, cuz things suck big time right now.

And my question is how to teach her her job and explain the aspd&npd comorbid stuff to her and that labels do play a role here? Idk just overall advice?

End of frustration rant🤦🏻‍♀️

-K

Thank you, I do my best!

TW, all caps text in the response (not aggressive, in a surprised/reaction way)

I'm just... gonna liveblog my response to this bc I have so many feelings on this therapist already and I have barely read 1/4 of the ask yet.

Not being familiar with cluster b pds actually isn't always a bad thing. I will happily take unfamiliar over some of the so called specialists in that area who believe in "narc abuse" and the like. I generally recommend people who think/know they have ASPD to seek out therapists in the range of trauma specialists over cluster b specialists for that reason.

Ugh, I can't stand the "I don't like labels/diagnoses" therapists enough already when they're referring to new ones while in their care, but to say that to someone who is telling you about a dx they already have is a new low.

Not the Freud! Not the "present conscious"! Gross gross all around imo. If that works for some of you that is awesome but I can't stomach that kind of therapist just for me personally.

Reconstruction of repressed memories is tricky because if they don't handle that right it is a very sensitive moment for them to fuck up/say something shitty, so I personally prefer to let those bubble up naturally, but because I have DID (oh ya, that official dx happened btw) they are more likely to bubble up for me than for a singlet. It makes sense to me that singlets would want a therapist for that.

OH DEAR FUCK I DID NOT THINK IT COULD GET WORSE. Ok so unpacking that - pwASPD absolutely experience shame, which is extremely common in traumatized people of any variety. In fact, shame is a very common symptom of PTSD. Remorse and shame are not only not the same, but they are so far removed from each other than even most ableist prosocials know and admit that those two are not even in the same family.

The "you appear to be a nice lady" is the icing on the "Get the fuck rid of this therapist if you can" cake for me, because it reeks of ableism and sexism at the same time. AFABs often have their symptoms of ASPD ignored entirely or intentionally mis-attributed to autism or BPD because they just cannot fathom an AFAB not thinking like a lady. ASPD is demonized and AFABs are infantilized and their tiny prosocial brains blow up because those two cannot co-exist.

I, to be quite honest, would chuck her in the unfixable pile. I wish I could give you advice on this, but there is just too much ableism, sexism, and ignorance in how she reacted in just this single interaction you described for me to think she's salvagable. When it's one little thing you can sometimes teach them/get them to learn with you - even though that is literally the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be - and get something good out of it, but with all of this I think it presents a much larger risk to you to try.

If you can't switch any time soon, I would try and stick to discussing non-cluster b issues as much as possible.

I can not and do not give professional advice because I am not a professional and in good conscience, I can't advise leaving one therapist without a direct plan on how and when to get another one ASAP. But I will say that specifically in relation to cluster b disorders, this therapist sounds like she will be more damaging than anything for that. That doesn't mean that she can't help with other conditions or stressors you're experiencing in the meantime, though!

Plain text below the cut:

Thank you, I do my best!

TW, all caps text in the response (not aggressive, in a surprised/reaction way)

I'm just... gonna liveblog my response to this bc I have so many feelings on this therapist already and I have barely read 1/4 of the ask yet.

Not being familiar with cluster b pds actually isn't always a bad thing. I will happily take unfamiliar over some of the so called specialists in that area who believe in "narc abuse" and the like. I generally recommend people who think/know they have ASPD to seek out therapists in the range of trauma specialists over cluster b specialists for that reason.

Ugh, I can't stand the "I don't like labels/diagnoses" therapists enough already when they're referring to new ones while in their care, but to say that to someone who is telling you about a dx they already have is a new low.

Not the Freud! Not the "present conscious"! Gross gross all around imo. If that works for some of you that is awesome but I can't stomach that kind of therapist just for me personally.

Reconstruction of repressed memories is tricky because if they don't handle that right it is a very sensitive moment for them to fuck up/say something shitty, so I personally prefer to let those bubble up naturally, but because I have DID (oh ya, that official dx happened btw) they are more likely to bubble up for me than for a singlet. It makes sense to me that singlets would want a therapist for that.

OH DEAR FUCK I DID NOT THINK IT COULD GET WORSE. Ok so unpacking that - pwASPD absolutely experience shame, which is extremely common in traumatized people of any variety. In fact, shame is a very common symptom of PTSD. Remorse and shame are not only not the same, but they are so far removed from each other than even most ableist prosocials know and admit that those two are not even in the same family.

The "you appear to be a nice lady" is the icing on the "Get the fuck rid of this therapist if you can" cake for me, because it reeks of ableism and sexism at the same time. AFABs often have their symptoms of ASPD ignored entirely or intentionally mis-attributed to autism or BPD because they just cannot fathom an AFAB not thinking like a lady. ASPD is demonized and AFABs are infantilized and their tiny prosocial brains blow up because those two cannot co-exist.

I, to be quite honest, would chuck her in the unfixable pile. I wish I could give you advice on this, but there is just too much ableism, sexism, and ignorance in how she reacted in just this single interaction you described for me to think she's salvagable. When it's one little thing you can sometimes teach them/get them to learn with you - even though that is literally the opposite of what therapy is supposed to be - and get something good out of it, but with all of this I think it presents a much larger risk to you to try.

If you can't switch any time soon, I would try and stick to discussing non-cluster b issues as much as possible.

I can not and do not give professional advice because I am not a professional and in good conscience, I can't advise leaving one therapist without a direct plan on how and when to get another one ASAP. But I will say that specifically in relation to cluster b disorders, this therapist sounds like she will be more damaging than anything for that. That doesn't mean that she can't help with other conditions or stressors you're experiencing in the meantime, though!

[el3ctraaa]

Ok so since this blog is basically an intimate look into my downfall, here's where I'm at as well as the steps I'm taking to get my life together over the summer. I apologize for the long post.

Today I took my first shower in over a week and changed out of the clothes I'd been wearing for the past 5 days. I have this fear that developed a little more than a month ago that when I'm away someone comes into my room to snip holes into my clothes. If I unknowingly wear these clothes with the holes my clothing will fall apart at the worst moment in public. Therefore I must avoid the clothes with the holes. In order to avoid the clothes with the holes I must go through the time and energy consuming process of rigorously testing any article of clothing I want to wear. I am exhausted and have no time, so I don't go through this process and instead wear the same clothes I've been wearing and know are safe. This process gets longer every time I do it, and when I shower I must go through the process, but naked and cold. You all can see how this poses an obstacle in both showering and wearing clean clothes everyday.

I've had this one fear since I was 16 that out of nowhere dirt is just going to come bursting out of my mouth. Back then I would wear multiple masks so if the dirt came out it would be secure and no one would notice. Sometimes I think it'll happen if I speak, so I don't speak. Sometimes I think it'll happen if I go to a certain location, so I don't go to that location.

I had a fear that july that a firework would fly through my sister's window, exploding and then killing or seriously injuring her. For a week I had to stay up every night checking on her every hour to make sure she was safe. Nowadays I'm scared that the fireworks will come through my own window, so I sleep in the bathroom instead some nights.

Recently the fact that I'm afraid of literally everything ever has seriously been impacting my life and making it borderline unlivable. Something bad is going to happen no matter what I do, so I just don't do anything. I've basically spent my whole life thinking that everyone is like this and that they're just better at dealing with it than me ya know. Like I'm just the scaredy cat who wouldn't cross the monkey bars in fear of falling. It's come to my attention that this is like not normal...

This summer my plan is to make things at least slightly better. I'm making an appointment with an actual psychologist, not just a counselor. I'm also going to just not lie ya know. I lied a lot the last time I tried this and it made all of my fears worse.

Anyways that's all, thanks for listening.

[crmsnmth-journal]

3/7/2024 9:06 PM

For a Thursday, it was a pretty good day. Woke up, had my coffee and morning cigarette on the porch, slowly cleaned random spots in the house. Went to see both my psychiatrist and my psychologist so that killed two hours and it's taken a long time, but I know how good therapy is for me. It's another outlet to get everything out of my head. It's like if I don't vent it, either writing, or therapy or whatever, the thoughts get all tangled and it gets overwhelming. It sometimes feels like my heads going to just explode into a shower of half-finished thoughts and brightly colored confetti. So I take therapy pretty seriously.

It was after therapy that the day could've turned horrible, but I'll be damned if it didn't stay on a pretty good track. I guess some background is needed here though. So my father passed away in January of this year, complications of a stroke and a seperate car accident. He chose to go out in hospice, rather than spend the rest of his life stuck in a bed. I don't blame him. But his death was the catalyst for something that had been building for over a decade. A serious anger at the very idea of pointless suffering. What was the point of the stroke if he was just going to die from a car accident? Stuff like that. My grandmother is another one who lets me vent, but she is extremely Christian. I'm agnostic at best. I believe in a higher power, but I'm not sure I really believe in a God figure. And her and I get into these weird theological debates. The last one we had was a few weeks ago, once again about the concept of pointless suffering. I may not be Christian, but I have read the bible, and I like theology in general. Religion is really fascinating once you get past the horrible things it's caused. I can hold my own against her. Because of this last discussion, she made an appointment for me with the pastor of her church. And at three o'clock today, I found myself sitting across from a preacher. I was there for two hours talking to this man about the concept of suffering. I asked why an infant could be born, only to die two days later of some complication. What was the purpose of that child's short miserable life? I gained a lot of respect for this man of the cloth today. He flat out told me that he didn't know. It doesn't make sense. He didn't try to feed me the "God's plan" bullshit. He didn't try hard, and he answered a few questions I had about Job's tale of pure suffering. The guy was honest with me. Sure, I didn't get any of my questions answered, but if even a man who's given his life to his God doesn't get it either, I don't feel so…alone about it, I guess. I'm still just as angry, and I think I will be for a while.

Also, I hate Jason Bateman so so much. For some reason, I put Juno on. I tell myself it's for it's amazing soundtrack, but what can I say, it's nostalgia too. Either way, I always forget Jason Bateman's in this and I just want to punch him in his face. With a baseball bat. And too think, I absolutely love Arrested Development, but even then I want to just push him down a flight of stairs. He just…irks me. I've tried getting into Ozark so many times by the recommendation of others, and I don't think I've ever made it halfway through the first season. Jason Bateman just looks like the guy who'd be an arrogant over-sarcastic dick-head. And I'm truly convinced that Micheal Cera was never supposed to be an actor. He just wandered on set and is way to awkward and polite to correct and it just became his life.

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Took today off from work. Today was much better.

tw: suicide mention, tw: suicide ideation, NSFW

I straight up sent a message to my boss saying how yesterday I had multiple mental breakdowns and was having severe suicidal thoughts, so I needed to take today off.

They've been cracking down more on sick calls esp if they're sent on the day you're rostered and don't have a doctor certificate, (So you better hope your doctor has appointments open before the deadline they give you.) So I was very worried they wouldn't accept it, but they did.

I was honestly kinda scared about being forced to go to work and what I might've done just to avoid it (Suicide).

My partner took today off too and he really helped me get out of my mind to have a good day.

Went to the doctor. Got assessed for depression and anxiety. Apparently my anxiety is normal and I have mild depression. Have to go back to my psychologist bc of my suicidal thoughts/ideation and make sure I'm safe.

Don't really want to go back but fine. At least it's covered by Medicare.

Went window-shopping at a game store and sex shop, tried a new bubble tea place, and saw Napoleon w his dad and sister. Napoleon was funnier than I was expecting.

Overall good day. Trying to not think about going back to work on Thursday.

[blondrichclosetwitch]

In the end, this is the truth

We just need to pick a restaurant

I wake in the morning, another appointment, I hope the psychologist listenin'

I fear you will attack me soon

All I wanna tell you is now you'll never ever have to compromise

“Well, it ain't that Barbie doll.”

(I heard the news today, oh boy)

I slip and I fall and I die

If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

If you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills, know the beekeeper is tapping you on the shoulder, telling you it’s time

you said that it would last, but I guess we enrolled in 1984

Well, I've been haunted in my sleep; you've been starring in my dreams

Lights, camera, acción: I'll do it on my own

And do you wanna go back home?

But she don’t know that daddy got plans

A migraine headache that just won’t go away

Listen to the girl as she takes on half the world

I’ve learned all I know by the age of 9

And hey, worry turns to murder= fisherman’s tale

Secret stash, heavy bread, baddest bitches in the bed: I'm your pusherman

In ten minutes I'll be late for the door

I hope to see him someday soon

All these people think love’s for show

I’m sure you’re not protected

Two friends and two true lovers

We are programmed to receive*

And when I think of it, my fingers turn to fists

I never did anything to you, man

Why did it seem so difficult to realise a simple truth?

The answer was here all the time, you see.

Just how i missed it is a mystery to me.

I have waited and waited for this day to arrive.

The revolution was televised.

Now it's over, bye bye.

The fear is over. Men are over. Women are over.

Prayer cycle

Breakdown on the shoreline

Before work I must rehearse

I couldn’t love you more

I know they're watching

All the commotion

The kiddie-like play has people talking

They're talking

Your sex is on fire ( I find it hysterical that this is my sotd, and that the subtitles are the tower& the absolute psycho version when really we’re talking about people watching me masturbate (unknowingly) on a webcam, ahhhh those were the days)

Tell me for my sanity how do I get out of here

You're the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy

Yeah, find your love and treat him nice

German tangerine (tangerine story, anybody not know it? Oh just ask maggie she came up with it, never mind that she abused my mother’s belief in miracles/grief, surely this is why the teenager has her on the brain, who else do you think named 8:03 oh, she’s bad)

Well you can tie me to the bed/well you can shoot me in the leg (girls, did you know two of your storylines were in a nickel back song? Shot in the leg in September/ tied to the bed for 12 days in May.)

Drummer

Brick butterfly had a history of sleeping with the kitchen staff

Superbad!

“It’s written all over your face.”

Bring your Alibis. (Now I’m of the personal belief that when something plays 3x in a day, spirit/God/the Universe is definitely trying to to slam something down your throat for a very special reason, so don’t say they didn’t warn you.)

Some other ocean at her feet

That disappearing horizon brings cold comfort to my soul

TREASON (duh—“let me put on a show.”)

Ok well let’s start here:

Who? Lisa, a great hoodoo master who was besties with the TR

Where: online jan-April 2016

What? We got assigned as “partners” in project 40 at the TR’s suggestion.

Why: all I know is I have a tape from spring 2017 where I was told the whole thing was a set-up & Chloe was doing rituals with the TR to make me lose my mind the year before. Shall I transcribe that next?

How: all I know is my mind started to breakdown, and I had to leave the program. I even left New York. And I told Sherene that the only person I would talk to was the Tarot Reader.

I never recovered after that. I cracked nonstop for months. (I’ve actually been listening to tapes from that Lisa time, and they are def disturbing)

All the stuff they tell you about in the movies

But this isn't chocolate boxes and roses

It's dirtier than that

You count the centuries, I blink my eyes

Your town is very famous for the little girl whose crying can be heard all around the world

You are forgiven

Lost in time

Your servants

We protect our little fictions like it’s all we are

You get down, real low down

You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train

Well, who hasn't been there before?

Rhiannon

I felt you so much today

I tell you that I’ll always want you near

You made a first-class fool out of me

Careful when you're tellin' us about obsessions

Also: maggie may played twice and Maggie’s farm played once yesterday. 3 times for a 3.

[aintmyjewelry]

How did you end up getting diagnosed? Was it a long process with a thousand dollar test or could you get it another way? I'm looking to get tested

(apologies, this is a pretty long post about the process but I hope it helps!!)

So for my diagnosis, I went through a neuropsychological center to get a neuropsychological evaluation and I initially went bc my therapist suspected ADHD but I tacted on the ASD testing because my mom has always been suspicious, haha (I think you have to go to a neuropsychological center for ASD but don't quote me on that)

The process was both long and not long. I initially reached out to the center to set up an appointment in late November. However, due to anxiety, I was really slow at responding to their emails and following up. By the time I was able to kick myself into gear (which was around Christmas), the closest appointment that worked with my schedule was in early March (March 10). I also had to set up an intake appointment (March 1) and then a follow-up appointment (today, March 22). I also had to provide my health insurance information right away before they set up any appointments.

Everything kind of happened quickly from there. There was a LOT of paperwork to fill out prior to my intake appointment. This included family history reports, self-reports (just symptoms I'm experiencing and such), contracts/agreements, etc. The paperwork is probably the most exhausting part especially if you ever feel like me and ur like "should I really be doing this? am i just being dramatic?"

I had to have the paperwork in before my intake appointment and then for the intake appointment it was like about 30-45 minutes and mine was with a postdoctorate student (the psychologist was out of the office that day). He basically reviewed the paperwork I had submitted and discussed what I was concerned about, what symptoms I was having, etc.

At the end of the intake appt, I was sent MORE paperwork lmao but these were like questionnaires (they covered both ASD and ADHD). They asked me questions about how i personally felt, my habits, some of my interests, socializing, empathy, etc. I was asked about the current day and childhood. My mom was also given questionnaires and I think hers were also a mix of current and childhood behaviors.

I had to hand in the questionnaires the day of my testing so I did that morning and then went in for testing. Testing for me was about 5 hours long and it was exhausting. It can be even longer depending on what tests you are going in for and if they have anything else they notice and want to explore (with ur permission). But mine was just one day, it went from about 9am-2pm and I had a break for lunch.

The evaluation itself was a lot. They described it as a "stress test for your brain" and they were NOT kidding. It was a mix of puzzles, electronic tests, verbal tests, memory, some tests on paper, etc. It was a lot but my tester was very nice and patient.

That then brings me to today which was my "feedback appt" where I met virtually with the psychologist and he walked me through results of EVERY test, including the questionnaires I and my mom completed. He gave his initial interpretations (as I have discussed in other posts lmao) and was very thorough and answered questions. It was about an hour long. I was not prescribed anything or referred for any treatment. I am not sure if that comes with the diagnosis stuff or not but, in the meantime, I will be seeking out my own psychiatrist to discuss medications for the anxiety and depression factors my psychologist noted (and boy were they high, he was stunned).

I now basically wait for the formal diagnosis papers which can take 6-8 weeks, give or take.

One thing I did not like about the place I went to is the psychologist was very much into "differentiating" the "types" of autism. For me he used the term "Aspergers" a lot which I don't like for many reasons and it generally is not a term autistic people use anymore (I especially didn't like that he called me an "Aspie" and called autism the "trendy phrase" - it was kind of weird). It's all just under ASD. and he eventually specifically described me as ASD level 1 which is in the DSM.

Now, as for the COST of everything, I have insurance through my parents, I am still under their plan. Going into this, I didn't know if my insurance would cover it at all. This was very much something where I was just gonna bite the bullet and do it for my own sake. As I said previously, they asked for my insurance right away and bc they moved ahead I assumed they accepted it (their website said they took my insurance as well but my insurance can be weird lmao). There was a $50 fee I had to pay up front that insurance would not cover (it was for testing materials). Without insurance, the whole thing came out to be over $3,000. WITH insurance, I will be paying about $1,100.

I am not sure if there is another way to go about getting a diagnosis. I am not sure if psychiatrists can do anything when it comes to this. I think psychiatrists can but you have to go to someone who specializes in ASd. My therapist recommended I look for a place that did neuropsychological evaluations because they will look at like ur whole brain basically (not literally tho lmao there was no tests like that) and if it wasn't ASD or ADHD they can suggest other things. so that is why I took the route I took!

But, yeah, that was my experience. I hope I laid it out all okay - if you have questions please feel free to ask, I can try to answer them but, fair warning, I might not have all the answers 😅

[multifandomlover01]

Snow (another imaginative title, I know)

Early morning/snow - Eugene Roe

October 2022 writing prompts

Sorry this one took so long, I got a bit stuck and didn’t know how to end it (doesn’t really have an ending??); also school had me a bit busy

Word Count: 863

Disclaimer: as always, I own nothing other than my own writing

Tags: @cody-helix02 @georgelust @emmythespacecowgirl @immrsgeorge-luz

You had gone to bed much later than you wanted to due to worrying about an approaching snow storm. You wanted to make sure you had everything you needed in case the power went out. Gene wasn’t back until late either.

So you worried about him being out in the storm and you worried about being home alone. You fell asleep before Gene got home. He’d gotten home around midnight. So maybe it was more than “another hour or so”. And you weren’t answering his texts telling you he’d be even later, but he’d figured you’d gone to sleep. The storm hadn’t even been that bad. Nothing Eugene’s truck couldn’t handle. Sure there was a good amount of snow coming down and some ice on the ground, but nothing like some storms you’d gotten in the past in this area.

Eugene was as quiet as he could possibly be in the house when he got home. He didn’t want to wake you up. He was successful and settled into bed next to you.

When you awoke in the morning, you were very confused. You became aware of Gene’s arms around you and smiled as you sunk further into him. He’d made it home safe. [Assuming this was Eugene. But he smelled like Gene. He felt like Gene. You craned your neck up. Yup. It was Gene. You sighed. [literally why is this in here 😂]]You maneuvered so you could see the alarm clock. 6AM. No wonder the sun didn’t seem to be quite up yet. You wondered how much it had snowed. Obviously not so much as to keep Gene from getting home safely.

He stirred beside you.

“Good morning, ma chérie.” He smiled down at you.

“Good morning, Gene. I’m glad you made it back safely.”

“Storm waddn’t even that bad. Made it back just fine.”

“It wasn’t? That’s slightly disappointing.”

Eugene chuckled.

“You remember that storm last year?”

“Oh, God, how could I forget? We were without water or power for days.”

“That was a bad storm. This was nothing like that.”

“I guess it’s good when you think about it like that. That storm was so shitty. I hated it.”

Just then, I got a phone call. It was my work telling me everyone was working from home today due to the snow (and ice) on the road.

“Guess I don’t have to go into work today.”

Gene smiled as he got a phone call, telling him the exact same thing.

“Me neither.”

You both settled back into bed.

“You still got work to do today, though?”

“Yeah. Some virtual appointments with patients. But they don’t start until noon. And it’s not even 6:30 yet.” (Oops…I accidentally made this a little too “self insert” with acting like I’m a psychologist, my apologies)

“I got a couple of consultations today that’ll be over the phone now, I guess. And those aren’t until the afternoon.”

“Hmm. You know what that means, don’t you?”

“I certainly do. I get to stay in bed with you all morning, ma chérie.” He rubbed his nose against yours. You laid there holding each other until you both drifted back to sleep. Your phone alarm went off at 9 and you both woke up again.

“Why don’t I make up breakfast?” Eugene offered.

“That sounds nice. But I’d hate for you to leave the bed.”

“We gotta get up at some point, sweetheart.” (Oof) He teased.

“Don’t wanna.” You pouted and turned away from him.

“Don’t be like that, darling. Why don’t you go look outside at the snow while I make pancakes.”

“You think it’s still there?”

Gene checked his phone.

“It’s actually still below freezing and there’s flurries right now.”

“Ooh, flurries!”

That got you out of bed and bolting for the back door real quick. Gene chuckled and got up from the bed to go to the kitchen.

“It’s snowing, Gene!”

“I know, I drove home in it last night, remember?”

“I know. But it’s snowing again.”

“Wanna go out in it later?”

“Maybe. It’s so cold out, though. It’s much warmer in here.”

You padded into the kitchen to help Gene make the pancakes. It was a bit messy but that was all part of the fun. You sat at your dining room table to eat so you could draw the curtains back on the big window next to the table and watch the snow fall.

It was so beautiful. There was already a gorgeous blanket on the ground and the snow falling gently down adding to it was mesmerizing to watch. It was a wonderful sight.

You very much enjoyed the contentment that came with not having to worry about things. Sure you had Zoom calls with patients this afternoon, but there was nothing stressful about that. Work was good. You loved your job. And having to work from home was even better. Your house was your sanctuary. You felt relaxed and content here. You didn’t mind doing work here. It somehow made it less stuffy and professional and more personal.

Yeah, you loved days like this. Because the best part was being home with Eugene the whole day, even if you were in separate rooms working. You’d both be done by 6 and be able to enjoy dinner together and the rest of your evening.