#has nothing to do the whole day
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the more i listen to wuthering heights the worse i feel for Linton Heathcliff tbh
#wuthering heights#linton heathcliff#like bro is sick#keeps being blamed for being sick#has nothing to do the whole day#is physically and verbally abused#is neglected#like he does really shitty things sure#but heathcliff is whispering in his ear 24/7#and ellen dean really does paint him in a very very negative light#especially remembering he is a literal kid
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the brainworms are kiiling me. have a dad and son 👍︎
#papyrus#gaster#dadster#undertale#theres still not enough papyrus and dadster content where sans isnt present compared to the other way around#what will be enough you ask? well idk the exact amount cus numbers are infinite but yaknow#gaster supports let papyrus say fuck day#i believe he just sucks at parenting so papyrus cussed his whole life#and since gaster found out about the holiday papyrus has been nothing but encouraged by his dad#mostly out of spite towards the people who still believe his son to be 5 years old#im sorry i saw someone refer to papyrus as a prec**s cin***on ro*l and had to do something#my shoulder hurts so bad and drawing and typing worsens it and i have an exam tommorow i need to rest it for and look what im doing.#being silly.#>:[
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slowly but surely… 😔🥀🥀 another wip of my wintersberg piece
#trained so well in the gym yesterday that my whole body now hurts... i added weight to a lot of exercises#and yesterday i did a deep push-up from knees for the first time!! i did push-ups right to the floor! i've never been able to do this before#bc i've always had weak arms but the exercises in the gym helped me achieve this i was so glad 😭😭😭#although my right hand with suspected carpal tunnel syndrome was unhappy 😵💫😵💫 it began to hurt... but!! if usually it can hurt for#half a day after push-ups then this time it was for only a minute - exercises with an expander helped me! i do it for a two weeks now almost#everyday. i'm so glad that exercise is effective in my life and has a positive effect on my health. i really like to do this#train thinking about my favorite imaginary men thinking “i want to be like them” lol 😭😭#and listening to either a bimbo playlist or some hard rock where they yell in your ears ahaha nothing in between#0039pf shitposts#wintersberg#re8#karl heisenberg#resident evil#re8 heisenberg
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comparing dialogue once again as you do. anyway. this cut dialogue from the other games ending vs the the 2011/ultra deluxe final game dialogue is interesting. frying my mind a bit.
no deeper meaning to this post i just think it is. intriguing. i love dialogue comparisons sorry </3
#the stanley parable#in the 2013/hd remix he just says nothing when you go in the hole#and tbh i kinda wish they would have kept the cut dialogue. but i also do prefer the 2011/ultra deluxe dialogue better.#but this cut dialogue in the 2013 other games ending would have been a rlly cool display of the narrator's inner conflict#especially with how harsh he is in these endings specifically#but i do realize i am. reaching a bit with that conclusion. so i am halting those thoughts for now lmao.#sorry this is just one of my fav bits of dialogue i think. or one i fixate on a lot#i literally wrote up a whole fic idea for it. maybe one day ill return to it.#I do think I prefer the dialogue we ended up with just because it still carries that confliction he has#like he’s startled then backpeddals on how he was acting before returning to that ‘you can’t do this without me’ spiel again#LIKE I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH SENSE I AM MAKING BUT LIKE. ITS JUST GOOD DIALOGUE IS WHAT IM SAYING.#but both. both are good. I do like what we got and I do enjoy what could have been. both are so so intriguing to me#crow thoughts
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#kirby#transparent#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#third consecutive day of being basically asleep the whole time#I've set up to sort this out with the clinic cuz I'm not living like this for nothing#(also since I'm up north with my partner they're able to take care of me more than my wife has been with her Nightmare Contract)#(which helps. but this still sucks and I'm not doing it if I don't really genuinely have to)#(and I don't! so we're gonna fix it by god!)
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There is such a big racism and antisemitism problem in the nightvale fandom that its fucking crazy
#jontalks#wtnv#ill main tag this what fucking ever im gonna delete this immediately anyway#stop drawing carlos tan with brown hair stop depicting him as a dead beat lying predatory sex pest#stop fucking demonizing him for his character flaws you wouldnt be calling him some of the shit you people call him if he was white#ive seen the biggest artist in this fandom say they wish cecil got put in a cage and expiremented on in the year 11 arc like that#isnt revolting to say about a jewish character#ive seen the same people dissapointed that did not happen like the two writers arent jewish and would write something as disgusting as that#ive seen an artist draw a white character fantasize about brutalizing a brown character#and no one gives people shit for it and they still fucking do disgusting shit with these characters#ive seen people mad carlos didnt do something awwful to lubelle to give her reason to hate him like#the whole point of that wasnt that lubelle was a privilege white women jealous of a brown gay mans success#you people are so fucking aggravating and disgusting#and you need to start giving people shit when they are fucking weird about these marginalized characters#because some of you do not think when you depict carlos. a dark brown latino gay man as a predatory sex pest who is a dead beat#and treat cecil who people either draw lighter than or white as this perfect angel who has done nothing wrong#you would not be calling carlos a impulsive lier and a piece of shit for just being written as a emotionally closed off character#if he was white or if he was a paler latino man#it just fucking boggles my mind this is still an issue in this space and that it ALWAYS has been#its not surprising to me at all that this is the same fanbase in the early days that were refusing to see carlos as a dark skinned man and#that people who didnt want to depict him as such were fucking defended#this is the same fanbase that started shaking in their boots when people were questioning why everyone defaults to white for cecil its like#some of yall are very racist and you need to revaluate the bs you say about#a cast of majorily marginalized characters#and why you demonize the brown character for the same shit the one that is aracial in podcast and you draw as white as a perfect sweet ange#lol
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.
#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT
i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣
BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA
AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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i demand your arts
here u can have this one single piece of fanart i made for the fanfic that literally ruined my entire life
#the little house on the prairie halbarry…#if you know you know#halbarry#hal jordan#barry allen#kyle rayner#guy gardner#they r fuckin silly and nothing bad happens in the story i promise. everything is fine forever :)#i gotta be so honest right now that shit is the best thing i’ve ever read in my entire life i am so completely dead serious you dont even kn#i would do horrible ungodly things to farmer barry#what. sorry the demons won#okay honestly i could gush abt this fanfic for literal days it’s not funny i could make like a whole powerpoint abt it it’s been driving me#absolutely crazy please help me#im so normal abt it#my art lol#the absolute grip this shit still has on me… i’ll never get over it
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I love when i have to fight off the Thoughts. Constantly.
#ugh why has this whole month just felt like it’s been ten thousand years#it’s been stressful and I stg the Feb bad has just continued into March and ugh#shut up sarah#sorry I just. Thursday was shit. Friday was stress. Saturday I had four hours of sleep and then Sunday and today I’ve just been dead not#wanting to do any work but knowing I have a bunch and literally nothing is wrong but#on the plus side I found a great corner in my home for crying in. very comfy good little corner surrounded by furniture so it’s great#fav new spot to sit and ponder my existence for my allocated shitty brain time for the day before I make myself half do the pressing shit
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the more i listen to wuthering heights the worse i feel for Linton Heathcliff tbh
#wuthering heights#linton heathcliff#like bro is sick#keeps being blamed for being sick#has nothing to do the whole day#is physically and verbally abused#is neglected#like he does really shitty things sure#but heathcliff is whispering in his ear 24/7#and ellen dean really does paint him in a very very negative light#especially remembering he is a literal kid
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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Things To Make August (the Month of Existential Dread) Bearable
Pray. A lot.
Plan little summer adventures.
Write a fun little retelling (and hopefully finish it).
Read an Elizabeth Goudge book (Book 3 of the Elliot trilogy seems right, because Book 2 is coming to mind a lot as an appropriate summer book).
Remember that sunflowers exist. Find lots of them.
#random thought of the day#i had considered canceling august#just denying its existence and pretending it's july ii#because the whole month always feels like living beneath a guillotine blade that's about to drop#a downhill from summer and a dread of autumn and nothing actually good in and of itself#except for maybe sunsets when the melancholy at least feels a little right#but i've decided to embrace it and maybe find a better atmosphere for it#(yes i do have a specific retelling in mind)#(if you've been following the writing blog you know which one it is)#(but i'm not naming it because saying it aloud puts too much pressure on it)#(and this is supposed to be a pressure-free fun project)#(plus i recognize that i've not yet reached the one week mark)#(where i lose interest in most fun new projects)#(so i acknowledge the likelihood that in like 2-3 days i'll no longer want to write it)#(but for now i hold onto hope and think it has just the right vibe to make august something better)
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if i think too long about the ending making lloyd leave the home he worked so hard to save behind along with the new found family he sacrificed his life for so he can move to a place he has no emotional connection to where he only knows two people (one of which is actually following him from the aforementioned home) in order to make him get a standard "have a wife and children" 'happy' ending i start wanting to bite people not gonna lie
#i talk a lot <3#the greatest estate developer#lloyd frontera#it is. such a sucky ending i hate it i'm sorry i cannot stand it#i love charlotte with all my heart and i truly do like alicia#but jesus fuck that ending#the one thing lloyd wants is to have an easy relaxed life surrounded by the people he loves#and then the ending has him become the royal consort to someone we know likes to use people to their best potential#and living permanently away from his parents and all the people he came to care about#except for javier and alicia. and javier is only there because of lloyd anyway.#i just. i hate heteronormative endings so much man.#he didn't need to marry! he could've found his happy ending without having to be romantically involved with anyone!!#there's this whole thing about lloyd thinking to himself that his happy ending will be settling down with a wife and have kids#and then there is this one moment. where he talks about what he really wants. his one true wish.#and he talks about how he just wants a family. a normal family. a family that welcomes him after a day's work. a family that lives a normal#life without worrying about nothing much. he doesn't want big territories or power or an army. he just wants to have a family that loves hi#and enough to keep them safe.#AND FUCKING GUESS WHAT HE GAINS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE NOVEL#GUESS WHAT THE EMOTIONAL CORE OF THE ENTIRE THING WAS#A FAMILY. PARENTS AND A BROTHER AND A BEST FRIEND THAT CARE FOR HIM AND WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY AND HIM DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO KEEP#THEM SAFE. AND HE DOES. EVERYTHING HE DOES WAS TOO KEEP THEM SAFE AND SOUND AND HE GETS HIS WISH.#DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN!!#HE DIDN'T NEED TO MARRY BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAD HIS WISH. HE ALREADY HAD HIS HAPPY ENDING. I'M SO MAD KASHDKA#tged
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i swear to god sega must be choosing which 3d sonic games they wanna rerelease at random because none of their choices here make any sense when i said they should focus more on making the 3d games more accessible instead of re releasing the classic games a million times this isnt what i meant
#i mean the shadow parts of the trailer do have me interested now but im still confused about why they would do this at all#i said it all already but generations is a fairly recent game and the graphics still hold up well and its still somewhat accessible#its not in a situation where theres a bunch of stuff to change or its trapped on older consoles that barely anyone has these days#if generations was a super iconic game with a well loved story i would get it i guess but sonic generations is literally nothing story wise#there are so many other games that it would make more sense to bring back#also shadow??????? why is he the focus here he barely did anythign in generations#and generations whole gimmick is the classic and modern thing and you cant do that with shadow#whatever#like i said i am excited to see what theyre doing with the shadow levels actually im just confused you know
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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