#hate having ligaments and tendons

[tchaikovskaya]

😜

ed tw in notes

[steampoweredskeleton]

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Ignore

[somecunttookmyurl]

Hey, you recently mentioned somewhere about how growing pains aren't really a thing the way we think of them in the tags about a post about taking kids' pain seriously. And i've been sitting on that ever since, as someone who had severe 'growing pains' growing up that'd take me out for days but was told to stick it out. Thing is, they never went away and despite hitting 30 soon I regularly google something like 'growing pain in 20s' with some regularity.

I've finally bit the bullet, done the doctor marathon, ended up at a rheumathologist and was like 'idk i've had pain my entire life i was told it was normal'. (Didn't go over well, but how could it have.) Despite him then noting hypermobility he's adamant hsd or heds aren't worth looking into. And now i'm sat here like. Well, was it ever growing pains?

Could you talk more about what you meant with the growing pains? My mind is not letting it go

'growing pains' is something doctors say to dismiss pain in teens and children a lot.

the fact is, yes, some children get pains that are temporary and ultimately harmless and not at all related to growing in fact we don't know why it happens

the other fact is it tends to be limited to the ages of approximately 3 to 11, yet doctors use it to dismiss pain in teenagers - who still do a lot of growing often very quickly (especially boys).

it affects mostly if not exclusively the legs (notably calves and shins) and worsens following physical activity. yet doctors will often use it to handwave away any and all musculoskeletal pain

so yes there is a type of pain children (but not really teens) can experience in their lower legs. but not a) the rest of the body b) long-lasting c) bad all the time and d) it has nothing to do with actually growing

and frankly given we "don't know" why it happens at all i'd bet decent money there actually is a cause for whatever pain happened even if it was temporary. like doing the three-legged race wrong.

edit: sorry skipped over the hypermobile part. for some people (i hate them personally) hypermobility is not painful. for most people it IS. this is for the simple fact that your ligaments and tendons (connective tissue) are too stretchy so they aren't holding your joints in place as well as they should. so you know what has to pick up your slack? your larger muscles. you know what is built for movement and not 24-7 activation to keep you assembled? your muscles. they're doing something they're not supposed to have to do, and they're doing it all the time and they are fucking tired. unfortunately (i have hypermobile EDS and didnt get diagnosed until i was 28) there is no "cure" for this. the only treatments are stabilisation - physical therapy to try and build up the smaller stabilising muscles and support garments or things like k-tape to take the load off the bigger muscles by providing external support. also massage and heat to relieve the tension and tiredness.

[flowers-in-the-basement]

(wincest AU where there is a Dean injury, early season 3 ish.)

sam would've never have expected that Dean getting stabbed would be the best thing that's happened to them.

It isn't really, but still. Five years ago, to the day, Dean was stabbed on a hunt. Bad. It went through too much muscle, too many ligaments, tendons. Sam had to finish the hunt himself after calling 9-1-1

then there was months of intense physical therapy, regular therapy and the horrible realization that they can never go back to hunting.

Dean still goes to regular physical therapy on sundays. They have different jobs but live on the same house.

Same bed.

They're something different now, something that brothers shouldn't be. It's good for them,makes them hate eachother less. It's nobody's business bit theirs.

[kansaspieco]

"Centaurs have two rib cages"

"Centaurs have two digestive tracts"

WRONG.*

The human torso is simply the neck of the horse. Now this may seem a bit weird, but this is a fantasy creature so hear me out. Anatomy, especially with how it can adapt, is incredible so I propose that the spine would more towards the middle of the human torso as seen in Figure 1 which is where the cervical spine of the horse would be (Figure 2). Along with that, the human torso wouldn't be as long as most people draw them, and it would be closer to the length of a horse (average length of a male human torso is 43-45in/109-114cm, not including the head/neck which can add an extra 11.9-13.7in/30.2-34.8cm versus a horse's neck which is approximately 36in/91cm. Please keep in mind these are rough approximations from a few google searches). Here's where things get more funky, instead of an extra ribcage to keep that human shape, the horse neck muscles, and some human torso muscles, would adapt to the shape of a torso while still keeping some of the aspects of the human musculoskeletal system. I haven't put as much thought into the the chest structure itself, but since the clavicle would remain, I would assume so would the sternum.. ish. The main thing that I focused on is the muscles. Figure 1 shows the approximate layout of these muscles with the human face and arm muscles remaining the same along with keeping the major muscles of the horse's neck. However some muscles from both human and horse, although more of the horse's anatomy will need to change to become "flatter" (more human torso like). I did not add the neck tendons/ligaments to Figure 1, but those would also change configuration to comply with the form of the torso. The function of the human torso would act in place of the horse's neck with a modified horse (maybe mixed with human) digestive tract (which I will likely dive more into at some point because it would likely need to change in order to accommodate the more human style diet I have no clue, but the digestive tract would definitely need to change since the human teeth are not suited for how a horse grazes which messes up everything in the already awful thing that is the horse digestive tract)

Images:

Figure 1: Proposed centaur musculoskeletal system

Figure 2: Horse skeleton

Figure 3: Horse muscle chains

Figure 4: Horse superficial muscles

Figure 5: Human skeleton

Anyways this was just done for fun, if you don't agree, that's fine, if have different ideas I'd love to hear them! I fell down this rabbit hole yesterday after getting into a conversation about centaur anatomy and hating the two digestive tract/rib cage ideas so here you go, the idea of the horse neck = human torso Centaur is released into the world so y'all are free to do with it as you will

Sources:

Me, just trust me bro (all jokes aside, I'm a pre-vet biology major and am working on becoming certified in equine massage along with being a huge fan of fantasy creatures)

Horses Inside Out: Gillian Higgins

Image credits:

Horse: GDJ- pixabay

Human: not sure of original source, found the used image on Pinterest by a few different people

*none of this can be proven as a fact so it is not a definite "wrong" I just needed an attention grabber

[letitbehurt]

Fav injury and why? Eg, broken bones, stab wound, burns, cauterization, gun shot wounds, torn ligaments or tendons

I do love a good stab wound, but my favorite type are the injuries that last. The ones that require Whumpee to change the way they live their daily life. For example:

Impaired vision or hearing. Whumpee needing glasses, contacts, eye/ear surgery or a hearing aid.

Scars, left anywhere that isn’t easy for Whumpee to hide—their face, their hands, their neck, their arms—so Whumpee either has to get used to strangers staring or to wearing sweaters during summer (maybe they can get tattoos to cover it, if they don’t hate needles, but inking scar tissue hurts).

Bodily aches; migraines, or a bad knee that gets worse when it’s cold. Whumpee needing medication or a cane for days when the pain is unbearable.

Nerve damage, specifically in Whumpee’s hands. They can’t write as well as they used to (if they can write at all), and their hands shake too badly when they try to do anything that requires dexterity or precision. There may be a permanent numbness to nearly everything they touch. At times, this can frustrate them to the point of a breakdown.

Speech impediments. Whumpee might have gained a stutter or a lisp (maybe even a permanent rasp) as a result of their trauma/injury. Even if they can afford speech therapy, it frustrates them to need it when speaking used to come naturally.

Phobias or PTSD. Whumpee may likely develop an aversion to objects/situations related to their initial trauma—avoiding certain foods, certain places, certain sounds, certain smells—and can have an intense reaction to triggers.

These sorts of injuries are favorites of mine because they have a lasting effect on Whumpee’s life. They’re a personal battle Whumpee often faces long after their initial trauma occurred. When these injuries are written with sensitivity, respect, and necessary research, they’re my favorite sort to read about. Hands down.

[justaboot]

fine okay HBO human DT would be like

(tw blood, gore, drugs, suicide mention)

Beakley's husband was killed by their daughter, who was a FOWL big bad. Beakley loved her more than anything but, in the end, they couldn't stop her, and she locked her in an uncrackable limbo pocket dimension, took newborn Webby, and told everyone she was dead. Every night, she doesn't think about how she's still in there, alive and rotting. (I hc this regardless)

Gladstone signed away his soul for glitz, luck, and luxury when he was young. He rains gifts and affection down on the kids, decked in the best money can buy and bored by all of it, surrounded by designer drugs and sex and fancy friends and desperately lonely when he's not with the fam.

Pre-series, the boys' father was a traitor who sold them out, nearly to Donald and Scrooge's death. Della goes alone to a standoff in an abandoned plane hangar, fucks him good one last time to get close before beating his head in with a socket wrench.

Goldie told her how.

The kids figure out Gyro's fallen into a brutally accelerating addiction to a stimulant chem of his own design, bc its producing incredible results. Scrooge has been looking the other way. Because results.

Actual Scary Girl Webby in a real way. She wants answers, and has no understanding of taboos. Stares at her first dead body way too long. Asks della too many questions about self-amputation, what it smelled like, if she could feel the difference between muscles and tendons when cutting. Did the ligaments snap back? did the bone splinter? did you see marrow? She just wants to know. The next day she asks bentina if they can get a whole pig to pit-roast and if she can be the one to carve it. Watched Scrooge and Goldie from the vent in his bedroom, looked too long at the line of Goldie's back as she moved and thought about it all night.

We see Beakley actually homeschool them. They have a library thats the school room, and Huey and Webby practice cello in Webby's room. They test themselves on new languages they're learning together by talking through music theory in them while playing.

Huey made Della a teak shower bench. Not HBOcore but its true and you should know it. It replaced the chrome one, and on bad nights, she hands out in there in the steam at 4 in the morning bc the room is bright and warm and the fan is loud and beakley'll be up in an hour which means the house wont be Still and Quiet.

Louie actually gets caught up in the underground crime scene. He slowly builds confidence gets too cocky, and gets in deeper and deeper shit until it goes south. Fast. His tricks dont work, because hes TEN, and Goldie has to pull him out of a human trafficking ring. He doesn't think to ask what she was doing there until much later, and she's already gone.

We see Donald's therapy sessions. He loves the boys more than anything or anyone in the world. He tells his therapist that he hates his sister for what she did to his future. His therapist asks if he hates the children, too, and Donald hesitates. He loves the boys.

Magica has Scrooge for weeks during the Shadow War. Plays out all his failures in shadow puppets on the wall for him. The spear, his parents, his sisters, goldie, everything. she was there in the dime for the whole ten years he was alone, and she plays out all the ugliest things he said and did. Shapeshifts through all the friends he's lost to taunt him, spitting words as young Donald. She shifts into Della, asking in her voice why he'd do that, telling him how painful it was, how it feels to freeze to death, what human lungs sound like when there's no oxygen to breathe. You'd think they'd be quieter, but there's a wet crackle that sounds like a sponge. She tells him how he was going to kill the boys, too, because he's too selfish, but it's not a problem now, because they've left again. They're safe now. But she says it all so kindly. He's exhausted and hes starving and hes half out of his mind, so when he asks what she wants from him and she puts a knife in his hands and tells him to end it, he does. Until the knife turns to smoke, he's unharmed, and it's not della but Magica who's laughing at him. Lena sees the whole thing, and later on, when the kids find out, Scrooge omits details, and the kids laugh at how Magica would ever think Scrooge would go through with it, just give up. He'd never give up. Lena doesn't say anything, and Scrooge doesn't look at her, and he has to cope with believing that'll be the last time he'll ever hear della's voice.

Lena Comes Back WrongTM

anyway you get it. everyone has a really rough duality. feel free to add.

(this post got too long, ask me later about the boys' birth and scrooge's secret s1 curse)

[spenjelly]

Joint pain tips from someone “too young to have chronic pain”:

[I’m not a doc or a medical professional, take with a grain of salt]

- NSAIDs like ibuprofen/aleve are hard on the stomach and liver. If u take it consistently, consider lidocaine pain patches, tiger balm, or topical NSAIDs. (Still bad for liver with consistent use, but not on the stomach obv)

-foam rollers are real nice for thigh or back/neck pain. If you need it for shoulder stretching, make sure to get one long enough to lay ur whole spine and head on.

-rly good shoe inserts are stupid expensive but getting properly sized for one at a place like REI can rly save you a lot of foot, ankle, and knee pain.

-speaking of shoes plz find ones that have enough room for the tootsies. We’re talking abt bone health here.

-you can use KT or other athletic tape to give minor support, compression for medium, and splints/braces for more serious support. Don’t let braces take over keeping ur body in shape tho.

-in my experience, tube/sock-like braces stay in place the best. I’ve tried the kind that Velcro and they slipped constantly.

-if u overwork a tendon, muscle, or joint, it can take a lot longer for it to heal then when it just stops hurting. Be careful to reintegrate activities slowly after an injury.

-while it kinda makes ya feel silly, walking “like a robot” can help hypermobile/ligament laxity folks to keep proper motion in mind

-upside down criss-cross and w-sitting are horrendous for your knees and make your PTs sad

-if you are doing arm exercises, try not to extend your arms back beyond the line of your shoulder

-to my ND folks: try to rest your arms sometimes, Trex arms are comfy but bad for circulation and joints

-if it feels like your eyes are trying to burst outta ur skull sometimes it means you need to lower inflammation in your sinus.

-for my bra-wearing folks: racer-backed bras hurt the upper traps less and distribute weight better

-drink water my dudes. Ur body hates life w/o it

[trekessayist]

Eugenics in Star Trek: a Disabled Perspective on Genetic Augmentation

Not the essay I wanted to write, to be honest, but I was scrolling through the DS9 tag and violently reminded of the dubiousness that Augments are treated with by the writers. It has never sat right with me how Augments get treated, both in-universe and by writers.

So let me start by pointing out that I think some of the Augment storylines were really well-written, and others sucked. Enterprise's Augment storyline sticks out as the absolute worst of the bunch, though apparently that was one of the better-received storylines. But I digress.

The problem with Augments is that, of course, their concept is based in eugenics. They're established in Space Seed to be remnants of a worse time on earth, people "improved" so much by genetic alteration that they believe themselves to be the superior humans, going so far as to wish to kill other humans. They're a very clear reason why genetic augmentation as a whole was banned on earth, later carrying over to Federation law as well.

This includes ALL forms of genetic augmentation, with no nuance. This becomes especially clear when it comes to Illyrians, who are banned from joining the Federation and Starfleet despite arguably genetically augmenting their own bodies for a noble purpose.

In Deep Space Nine, this culminates in Julian Bashir having to hide his status as an Augment to be able to have a career. It's clearly a sore point for him, and he really struggles with the concept of his authenticity as a person. I'm reminded of the one post talking about how Kukalaka, his teddy bear, serves as a physical reminder that even before his father took him to be augmented, he was fixing up or "healing" his teddy bear when it was broken or "sick", that becoming a doctor was in that sense the only path that felt authentic to his personality.

The other Deep Space Nine Augment storyline involves Julian's efforts to help a group of Augments who came out of the process still "defective". Which is still a great storyline in my opinion, despite its flaws.

And I understand that the Federation attitude towards Augments is an example of an idealistic society that isn't flawless, which is in many ways what DS9 represented as a whole. So I feel the storyline is very much relevant to the series.

Still, the issues it (and later Augment storylines) presents are painful to watch, especially as a disabled person whose struggles are largely genetic issues exacerbated by their interaction with one another in my body.

In the first place, while I understand the decision to outlaw genetic modification as planet earth, or even as the Federation, because I understand why the decision was made, I don't feel that that's a proportional response to what happened in the past. As mentioned before, even beneficial genetic augmentations are banned, as seen with the Illyrians. That means that for people with genetic diseases cannot get meaningful help in a time and place where that should definitely be possible.

Looking at what I experience, should I be expected to consume painkillers my entire life? Physical therapy twice a week to keep up the strength in my muscles? Spend time having ligaments and tendons regenerated every so often? When a small genetic alteration could be a cure that doesn't require repeating? Degenerative diseases and conditions will degenerate if you don't continuously control them, even in the utopia of Star Trek.

So in the first place, the complete disallowance of genetic augmentation in the Federation is harmful. But then what do you do with people who were augmented either way, as a humane and just society? Especially when they didn't have a choice in the matter because they were a child? Do you accept them and take care of them, recognising that if you teach a child it is fundamentally different and therefore deserving of ostracisation and scorn, it will start to hate those who are different from it? Will you allow them to lead normal lives, with normal careers, like normal people? Will they be allowed to have children and start families, like normal people? Will you allow them the dignity of a peaceful life?

No, why would you? The ones that turn out poorly are tossed into a hole and forgotten about! The ones that turn out well you presumably don't hear about, because they can hide it better! Ignore the problem exists, why not? Whatever could go wrong?

Which then also becomes difficult to watch as a disabled person, because that's what the "failed" Augments are, they're disabled. Whether they display autistic traits or OCD symptoms or other mental (or physical) impairments, they are disabled. They may or may not have been disabled before their augmentation, but they certainly are now. And so their treatment becomes an issue of how the Federation treats its disabled citizens. And the answer seems to be: not very well!

So the ongoing storylines with Augments, and the 'organic android' storyline in Picard season 1, are two different sides of what is essentially only a debate on disability rights, and whether or not we deserve to exist. It's a conversation that gets so little nuance from the shows, but one that requires it.

The show could have gone the nuanced route. Legalise genetic augmentation so you can regulate it. Outlaw the modification of children and those who cannot consent. Give people the choice to change their bodies, should they desire or see a need to. The better you regulate it, the more you can prevent cases like the people in DS9, the more you can use the techniques to help people, the less you ostracise the people who did get augmented or who would like to get augmented.

But instead, all sides of the conversation within the series are advocating for eugenics, for genocide. Khan and his Augments, wanted to eradicate non-Augments, who they see as lesser, as inhibited, as small. Richard Bashir, and presumably the parents of the other augments, wanted to get rid of their children's disabilities and impairments. And the Federation is trying to eradicate Augments, by denying them lives, livelihoods, by ostracising and scorning them and throwing those you can visibly tell are different into a cell somewhere you don't have to think about them.

And I, as a disabled person, would simply like to watch Star Trek without being reminded that people would want me dead.

[asharkapologist]

Unpopular Criminal Case Opinion #1

HUGE SPOILERS FOR PACIFIC BAY

The moment he killed Danny, Frank became irredeemable.

as promised, tagging @blenderscientist and @therealziggystardustfr

Just a heads up, this isn't an analysis of Frank as a character. This is me expressing an opinion about a certain part of his character.

And yes, that opinion is what is in the subtitle, which of course I'll explain.

For one, Danny was a LITERAL CHILD. HE WAS SEVENTEEN. Just because he was tried as an adult for killing Louis, that doesn't mean he WAS an adult, and the fandom forgets that too often. This is partially, the game's fault, too, because before Danny is killed, the game/characters refer to him as a boy/kid frequently, but after he dies, he's referred to as a boy like ONCE by Amy, but mostly, including in the very case he is murdered in, he is referred to as a man for some reason? Danny's killer wasn't even caught yet, and the game was already trying to downplay the severity of Frank killing a teenager.

I am also not trying to justify Danny killing Louis. Obviously, that was wrong, but Danny deserved prison time, not getting electrocuted. (I have my own beef with Danny getting 50 years while adults who commit hate crimes and/or dismember their victims get literal decades less than a minor, but that's a complaint for another day). But regardless of what Danny did, that does NOT justify Frank killing him, especially because Frank killed Danny for reasons unrelated to Danny killing Louis.

Speaking of those reasons, the reasons Frank killed Danny were VERY selfish. He literally killed Danny because Danny was going to expose Frank's crimes--which amounted to obstruction of justice and helping a heist, which probably wouldn't have gotten him arrested, just fired, because the police in CC can get away with more than regular civilians can (Jones getting away with holding Marconi at GUNPOINT comes to mind). But when faced with the possibility that Danny was going to tell Frank's friends he was the police mole, Frank decides to up his crimes to murder, and decided to VERY PAINFULLY kill Danny.

I could maybe say that Frank would be redeemable if Danny's murder was a spur-of-the-moment thing where Frank shot Danny suddenly or something, but the murder Frank committed was VERY pre-meditated. He had to modify the stun gun. He had to grab the whiskey bottle. He had to lay the spike strip. He drove Danny to the station. There were plenty of times Frank could have stopped and thought, "wtf am I doing?" But he didn't.

TW FOR DISCUSSION OF INJURIES RELATED TO ELECTROCUTION

And another point against Frank is the fact that the way he killed Danny was? So unnecessarily cruel? Frank has a gun, and he proved in Sting of Death he is very good at using it. So why on earth did he not just SHOOT Danny? Why did he waste time tinkering with a stun gun to make it lethal? And do you realize how PAINFUL electrocution is? I won't go into extreme detail, but basically, being electrocuted can cause burns and can cause convulsions extreme enough that you can literally dislocate limbs and tear tendons, ligaments, etc. And look at Danny in the crime scene. It is clear just from a glance that he died in absolute agony.

Also, put yourself in Danny's shoes. You're a teenager who's agreed to be an informant for the police, but you're trapped with the adult man that you have dirt on. You strongly suspect that he wants to kill you, and you know that because he knows that you know said dirt, he doesn't want to let you live. And then he crashes the car you're in, drags you out of the car, looks you in the eyes, and electrocutes you.

Now, you may say, "but Frank felt bad." Yeah, he did, but that did not change the fact that he wanted to get away with the murder, and he still COMMITTED it when he had many opportunities not to. Even though Frank wanted to gain his family back, especially his daughters, Frank, a FATHER, decided the best course of action would be to murder a child.

And all this brings me to The Final Countdown. Frank died not atoning for or making up for Danny's death or whatever, but trying to fix a problem he helped cause. It was because of Frank helping the heist that he was able to snatch the plutonium, which led to Tesla gaining power and nearly blowing up Pacific Bay. Frank was trying to fix that. He was not trying to make amends for Danny's death--not like he really could. Because Danny is dead, thanks to Frank.

And all of what I just said about how bad Danny's death was is forgotten by the game. Frank murdering a teenager in cold blood is swept under the rug in favor of giving Frank a police funeral that he does not deserve. "We forgive you Frank for betraying us!" That's nice, but you are not who he hurt the most.

(Not helping Frank's case is fans will genuinely sometimes make up stuff about Danny to make him look worse, if they acknowledge Danny at all.)

Justice for Danny Moto. He was a very troubled teenager who deserved prison time, yes of course, but never did anything deserving getting painfully murdered by someone who was later honored as a hero, with no one in the game really caring about what Frank did to Danny by the end of the game.

What Frank did to Danny was unforgivable.

[zot3-flopped]

This is my first time writing in. I'm a lurker. lol I actually had two things to say because one I'm educated in and the other is a total shock to me. So, here we go.

As far as Niall's new physique goes. It's true that overweight people will have big arms, but, fat people have fat arms. He's obviously got muscle definition there. I'm a trainer and it looks to me like he's been working on his upper body and core. Legs are a bit skinny but he's got issues with tendons and ligaments in his knees so that's valid.

And then, trust me if you told 2019 me this I'd call you a liar, I agree with your ranking of the ex-1D members but I'd switch Niall and Zayn. I can't believe I just said that. My least fav voice of the four with my favorite. I have reasons, trust me.

Niall at least has effort in his career and I think he likes having one. I still hate his voice but he has made some good songs and he's worked on his vocals and has learned a new instrument since 1D broke up.

I can't, in good conscious, put Zayn first because we are just talking most to least here and not about talent. So, the lazy drug addict who verbally and physically abused a woman doesn't get my top spot anymore. Sorry Zayn. He used to be my number two after Harry but he's dead last now. Such a disappointment.

We've all seen photos of Niall working out but I think he's over developed his arms, shoulders and back and now looks square shaped and top heavy for his height.

As for the listing, I just much prefer Zayn's voice to Niall's. If I was listing who was the least moral it would be Zayn, Louis, Liam, Niall.

[lady-bess]

Dear A Rough Sketch...

A love letter to fan fiction. To the story that got me to where I am today, and to the people who I truly owe everything to.

I was catching up with a friend of mine this evening, someone who has loved and supported the story of A Rough Sketch, when it dawned on me that I’d neglected to ever really go into detail about why this story meant so much to me, and what my motivations were for writing it. I realised that for someone who supported me so much, I’d never shared with more than three people the emotional drive behind this story. So, here we are.

It’s early 2023, and after a winter off work due to my job then being seasonal, I went back to set up for the new season. In myself I felt happy, and I was excited to be going back to work full time after time off over Christmas. I’d missed my work friends, and was starting to run out of things to do at home to occupy my time.

The date is the 11th of February, 2023. There’s an event on at work which introduces the new staff members of the season to the existing team, as well as give everyone a low down of the changes that have been made since the end of the last season in November, 2022. It’s a lovely day, but after a week working flat out doing really physically demanding tasks, I’m exhausted. Still, I show my face, and I mingle.

Then, I got sick. Really sick.

What started as just the flu turned into a violent chest infection, and by the time the new season began on February 17th, I was suffering. As an asthmatic, the infection floored me. In a bid to get my part of the business up and ready for opening day, I had overworked myself too hard, and I never gave myself enough time to rest. I couldn’t afford to be off, and as there weren’t enough people on site yet, nobody was worried about them getting ill from me. So, I kept going.

A week after we opened, my chest had still never gotten better. By now I had torn through muscles, tendons, and ligaments in my ribs from the force in which I was coughing. I was very close to a hairline fracture getting worse, too. I’d pushed my body to its absolute limit, and I couldn’t carry on. The day my voice gave out, leaving me completely mute for two days, was my breaking point.  

I got signed off sick from work less than two weeks after we opened for the new season. Ordered to be on bed rest, I fell very quickly into a depressive cycle, hating the fact that having just gone back to work I was now looking at being off, again. The only thing that made me smile was that I’d recently gone back to A03 to read fanfiction, and I thought ‘well, at least now I can catch up on my reading!’.

But after two days of reading, it wasn’t enough. I wanted to write again. I’d written for A03 about four years ago, at the time, but since the end of 2018 I put down my keyboard one day and never really thought about it. But after reading more Kingsman fanfiction than I care to mention, I picked my keyboard back up again, my own ideas brewing by this point.

Within a few days I’d released a 16,000 word fic, and a week later on March 7th there was already a part two. The writing bug bit me, but as I sat down to write part three there were already ideas whirring in my mind for things outside of Kingsman. By the time March was over I already had 3 Kingsman fics under my belt, and one for Narcos.

As I was writing more, I began branching out with what I read. I stumbled across a few Pedro fics, and I really enjoyed a lot of them. Some of them went a bit far, in my opinion, and it didn’t really feel like him. But the majority were sweet, and the authors had clearly done their research ahead of writing their fics, and it made for a delightful reading experience.

So, I set to work, and A Rough Sketch was born. Mid-March 2023, I sat down and wrote the opening lines; “This book was going to be the fucking death of you”. What it became, though, was the very antithesis of what our dear reader went through.

I had always wanted to write a romance book, and the ‘meeting someone cute in a coffee shop’ trope was absolutely something I would have done. Either that, or something else quaint, like a bakery. And I’d always known that I wanted to write something set in Wales, too. It’s a place that means so much to me, and in a way is like a home.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time in Wales, specifically in the north west. Every summer I’d be there with my grandparents, and up until the age of about 15 I had never known a holiday anywhere other than Wales. I didn’t mind though; I enjoyed going with my family, and as I got older and more aunts and uncles began to pass away, those annual trips became more and more special. We had restaurants we’d frequent every summer, friends we’d visit, walks we’d always do – everything. Every year we’d pack our bags and head to the north west, and hole up there during the summer. I loved it.

Both of my grandparents’ health took a turn when I was about 17, and the trips had to stop. My grandfather (a nurseryman by trade, just as in A Rough Sketch) had recently had cancer removed from his body, and my grandmother’s arthritis had just kept getting worse, making the trip from where we live in England too much for them both. But, in their honour, my mother and I would still go that year, just with a twist. We went south that year, staying in a caravan off the south west coast, near Lamphey. From here, we were just a short drive from the town of Tenby, and while we were passing through we hopped on a boat to take us to Caldey Island…

At Caldey Island, I cried when the Monks chanted. I spent an ungodly amount on the little chocolates that were hand made by the same Monks, my mother picking up some coffee flavoured drops which teenage LadyBess had absolutely zero palette for (and, to this day, I still hate coffee as a drink. Sorry, Pedro…).

The final stop on that holiday was Cardiff itself. Being a huge Doctor Who nerd, the city got added to our holiday just for me. We all geeked our little minds out whenever we went past a filming location, we visited a pop-up museum for the show; everything. I absolutely fell in love with the city, and I never wanted to leave. I’d always known that, one day, I wanted to write a book. But that holiday solidified to me where I’d set it.

Life got manic after that trip. I grew up, moved out, and unfortunately I would never go to Wales with my grandparents again.

My grandfather passed away when I was 19. His cancer came back, and after several weeks of fighting, he slipped away. He was in his nineties when he died, and had a good life, although the last few years of his life were a series of him getting knocked on his ass, health wise, and then bouncing back. We always expected him to just keep bouncing back, but our time with him had to run out one day (does this sound familiar?).

My grandmother died 18 months later, to the exact day. Complications from a surgery meant that one day she just never woke up again. We had to make the painful decision to let her go after multiple failed attempts to wake her. I sat by her side as the nurse muted the heart rate monitor, letting us say goodbye to her in peace…

When I sat down to write A Rough Sketch, I had no plans for it aside from it was going to be a fluffy meet-cute with Pedro, some tension and pining, ultimately ending with the two of them together about to travel the world with one another. It was going to be bare boned, at best, and act as nothing more than the blueprint for what I would eventually come to write as my first proper novel. As we all know, that didn’t happen one iota.

As you can probably tell already, I poured so much of me and my life into this. If I could get away with mentioning a place I once visited in Wales, I did (spoiler alert I’ve visited the majority of the big towns in Wales by now so In Loving Memory is not escaping this same fate!). Reader’s parents live in the village I used to visit, reader lives in Cardiff. There’s a visit to Tenby, and Caldey, and that chapter alone is filled with my lived experiences of when I went many moons ago.

But the more I wrote it, and the more the story developed (all with the help of your support, I might add), the more aspects of my life started to weave their way into the story. My grandparents, specifically, became major influences to it. Places I visited with them, conversations we once had, and even down to the grief I felt when they died. The epilogue was so rough to write, but it did me a world of good.

I don’t think I ever got over my grandparent’s passing. I certainly never processed it at the time. They helped my mother raise me after my own father walked out, and we were incredibly close. I don’t say this for sympathy, I had a wonderful upbringing, (and my father can quite frankly suck it) but it did mean that losing them both so close together was the most pain I’ve ever felt.

I went back to the north west of Wales last summer, for the first time since they passed. My partner drove us over the brow of the hill, and it opened out onto the village. A village that, for over a decade, I called a second home. I broke down. Nothing had changed as I walked around, and it was like time itself had stood still while the world continued moving. I loved that, though, and it made me believe for a brief moment that if there is any kind of afterlife, at least my grandparents could come back here together and recognise where they were.

Going back fixed part of me, but I’d argue writing A Rough Sketch fixed me more. All the pain and agony of losing people who meant so much to me, writing about places that are unknown to so many, but are the reason I am who I grew into…it was like therapy, honestly. For the first time since they died I actively dealt with my grief, channelling it into my writing; the happiness, the sadness, and the pain.  

But why am I telling you all this? The story of A Rough Sketch finished in July, and I’ve got In Loving Memory to work on now which adds to this universe. Why am I saying all this here? Why does it even matter?

This story is something which means so much to me that I struggle to actually put it into words. In spite of the fact I churned out over 260,000 words in this story, the right words to truly express how much this whole process meant to me fail me often. I hope I’ve managed to do some of my reasoning justice. But almost three months after closing the book on A Rough Sketch (pun entirely intended), I am still at a loss for words for the support and love this work received, and I don’t think I’ll ever find a way to thank you all so much. So, here we are. Writing a love letter to this fic, from me, but also me writing a thank you note to each and every one of you.

I’ve seen some discourse online recently about “Why do people turn fanfiction into books?”, criticising authors for wanting to do that. I’ve seen before the argument that “You only got views because it’s fanfiction. It won’t do those numbers as a book”. And, yeah, they’re not wrong. If this had been released as the original story I first envisioned it as, and not fanfiction, it absolutely wouldn’t be about to hit 18,000 reads.

But just because this started its life as fanfiction, doesn’t mean it’s bound to stay like this forever.

The story of A Rough Sketch will be very different when it is printed on pages to the one here on A03 – but you know what? I like that. This version is fanfiction, after all, and this version deserves to have its own space on the internet. I poured so much of myself into this work that it should be able to shine. And every single one of you who read, commented, and left kudos will forever be people I am in debt to because you helped me so much without even realising it.  

I started this year feeling just okay, but I can honestly say that writing this story was the best thing I could have ever done. Whatever happens with this story, the way my life has changed since writing it is something I don’t think I’d have ever envisioned if you’d just told me what could happen. I would never have believed that writing fanfiction would bring me such clarity, peace, and a sense of closure. This story allowed me to be so vulnerable and to process things I’d had locked away for nearly five years now.

To say a fanfiction changed my life sounds absolutely insane, but that’s what happened here, and to the people who supported this work as it was going live week after week, this letter is for you as well. I can truly never say thank you enough to you all. Getting to write this has opened so many doors for me, and not just when it comes to writing. I found my happiness again while writing this, and so much of that I owe to my wonderful friends who I made along the way. I love you all so much.

Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. It warms me to see so many of you reading my other works, interacting with me on Twitter or Tumblr, or even coming back here. I hope that you can feel a sense of pride knowing how much your support helped me, especially given where I was at mentally while writing this. I now can’t imagine my life without spending at least an hour a day tapping away on my laptop, and while I’m sure some people would look at that and think I’m regressing back into my shell, if anything I have a new lease of life.

Thank you, to every single one of you.

All my love and thanks, forever,

LadyBess xxx

[chickensarentcheap]

Sneak peek :)

@youflickedtooharddamnit @munstysmind @tragiclyhip @secretaryunpaid @mrsmungus @ninjasawakenedmystar @thebewingedjewelcat @asirensrage @residentdormouse @timbradfordsboot @kmc1989 @karimac @themaradwrites

When the conversation runs dry, she once more returns to humming as she works;  finishing the rest of his nails before applying a hospital-provided moisturizer to both hands.  Concentrating on the callouses on his palms and the one on the tip of his trigger finger;  working the coconut-scened lotion into rough, thickened skin.   

“I bet you haven’t been pampered like this in a long time,” she says, as she firmly massages his wrists, fingers, and thumbs. Diligently working at loosening the ligaments and tendons that have tightened over the course of the last six months.  “If EVER.  And I don’t mean to make it sound like I hate doing this, but buddy, you owe me one hell of a back rub when we finally get the hell out of here.”

It helps.  Talking about the ‘when’ instead of the ‘if’.    It’s the one thing that has kept her grounded and sane for half of a year;   the plans they’d made and her determination to see them through.  As long as she holds onto that little bit of hope,  she hasn’t lost complete control of the situation;  managing to keep death lingering at a comfortable distance while she navigates the grey and the gloom between here and there.  If she allows herself to use the word ‘maybe’, she’s written him off;  handed him the same death sentence that all the doctors and even Nik and Yaz have burdened him with.   She refuses to give up;  taking every flinch of muscle and flicker of eyelids and twitch of fingers and toes as signs that he’s still fighting.  

And nowhere close to surrendering.

[askyoungiron]

For Great Northern. Can you tell us a bit about what your first few days as a human were like? How did you find the comfort of a bed for the first time? Sleeping in and not having to worry about a schedule? How about you're first steps? Did you face plant the ground a few times? How was learning how to write? I believe every transport craft has to know how to read since you'd have to read platform signs, so how did you go about learning how to write? Can we some early examples of your handwriting? How about eating food for the first time? Espeshily things like ice-cream or spicy food. Or how about alcohol for the first time? Did you get drunk? Did you discover that you have any issues as a human? Like asthma or an allergy/intolerance? What's your favorite book series? Did you read the railway series by Wilbert Awdry? Or the TV series from that? If so what were your favorite stories? How did some of the other engines find out you were human? Sir Nigel seemed to know, how did he find out?

The first time I was human it took a while to get used to everything. Even now I wish more than anything to return to my engine. That is impossible however, only the name plate remains of my engine.

Basic human things like walking and other things were imgrained in ones self. And yes I learnt how to write though my handwriting is still very messy so I will not show it. I also learnt many other things that would assist me in serving Gresley's family like being able to cook, drive a car and care for the Lady Olivia and her brothers.

I like plain and simple foods, I find spices overpowering and awful. I do not drink alchol, I saw what it did to Olivia's parents and I refuse to partake in it.

As for medical issues I have a lot of problems with my ligaments, muscles and tendons. It is a probably a result of my rebuilt, as an engines history tends to leave an impact on a human form they may take.

I do not read fictional books at all. All the books I own are about my brother and a part of my collection. I have read the Reverend's books, Olivia has a collection of them that she used to love as a child. Her favourite was Enterprising Engines though I had to hide them from her parents for her. My favourite TV story is Paint Pots and Queens. Gordon is magnificent as a royal engine.

Sir Nigel knew about myself becomimg human because he was there when it happened. The only others who know are Silver Fox, who hates me, and Cock 'O the North who does not care to see me either. Silvia also knows but she is owned by the family.

[metaldragoon]

Today marks 10 years since I made my Tumblr account, probably.  It’s, at the very least, 10 years since my current oldest post on my main account.  I was 21 years old and living with 4 other people in a house for $500 a month, had been working at the same place I still work for about 15 months part time, and I was a pretty big Mega64 fan at the time I guess.  If you are not familiar with Mega64, the relevant piece of information to why I say “I guess” is because I was listening to all their podcasts at the time, which they’ve been doing since like 2004 or something.  They had their own forum which is how I was able to listen to all the archived podcasts, and I remember some girl on the site that I thought was hot had a link to their Tumblr page so I checked it out.  I am not really sure I even ever followed her or just creeped before making an account.  Mega64 are also prone to discussing anime, and I remember a young Derrick Acosta riding a teacup at Disneyland on one of their podcasts praising how good the soundtrack to an anime known as “DEATH NOTE” was, so I went to watch that (he was right) and sort of became addicted to anime in general from that.  Not really addicted, I feel like I still got a lot of hater fuel in me keeping me safe from addiction, but I am definitely stuck in the viscous goo, never truly able to escape anime’s grasp from that day onward.  Toaru Kagaku no Railgun which is the anime in the thumbnail above these paragraphs you’ve been reading was probably my first foray in to just watching whatever had a cute girl in it and truly becoming a degenerate.  I wouldn’t say I look back with shame but I’ve definitely reeled myself back and just watch the snobbiest, most-elite anime now.  It was also the first anime I GIF’d, January 15th of 2013 according to the archives.  Sort of surprising how quickly I got on it because I really hate doing anything for other people to perceive because if there’s one thing to know about me it’s that I can’t handle the slightest amount of criticism without spiralling down the darkest hole of depression imaginable.  Have these past 10 years been good? I don’t really know.  The last year has been really hard, since September 2021 I have been considering the current times “the worst year of my life,” but at the same time I guess it’s rolled on and I’ve made progress.  The only major relationship of my life ended this year and that was always kind of my rock for feeling like I meant anything to anyone.  I constantly find myself thinking “distance myself from everyone so that when I kill myself it won’t hurt anyone” since last January.  Overall being with someone I loved for 6 years made me a much better person, but just emotionally it’s quite a valley afterwards.  I didn’t have my dog for as long as a lot of people, but he was with me for 7 years and I had to put him down because of liver cancer in September which I already wrote about, but, I mean, that was really hard and I still get emotional about it a surprising amount.  Work’s good but sucks at the same time and just feels like a suppressant to everything in life.  Just stand there and exist, go home in 8 hours, one day closer to the end of my life sentence of being a cog in the machine.  Lots of old man injuries along the way but I’m pretty hard on my self physically so I can’t complain too much about a few torn tendons and ligaments over a decade.  Can still run and hoop, and I guess that’s good enough.  Hard to remember who you were ten years ago, but I guess the biggest thing that’s changed is not being afraid of aging.  31′s getting up there! but with newfound perspective it’s really not.  Barring unfortunate circumstances 80′s probably a safe minimum age and that’s more than twice as long as anything I can even perceive.  I think I’ve always had old man energy anyways so I look forward to being a crotchety miserable old grandpa complaining about everything as part of a “bit” that only I know is a bit. 

[ashtraysystem]

"that just seems like a really weird reason to miss school" bitch I told you out of COURTESY. I could've just not told you and left you to wonder what I was doing. I could've lied even!! But I told you because communication is something I find important and wanted to let you know so that you wouldn't be surprised and caught off guard. Because I'm a thoughtful person. I don't just agree to things without thinking about potential consequences! I think it through, debate the pros and cons of the potential situations. Hell I overthink it! And you have the audacity to question me?? You barely have a handle on your own work life boundaries and you are questioning me taking a day off to make sure that my best friend and PARTNER's dog is safe and cared for?? Am I not allowed to pick love over a single day of pointless drivel of class? What is the point in driving so far and sitting there for hours if I am to learn jack shit? I learn more from fucking google than these classes! I'd much rather spend some time not literally shortening my lifespan with the amount of stress I'm already under and get some actual work done in an environment where I can comfortably find my flow and work for hours on end. Am I not allowed to pick joy and self kindness over stress and exhaustion?? Am I not allowed to exist as I deem fit?? The world around me is my own to cultivate how I want, and that world has no space for the amount of stress I've been under. I was not built to handle this. This has never been my purpose. I was not meant to essentially work 5 different jobs at the same time. I am meant to specialize. I was built to focus on one thing for a long period of time. If I could do that I promise I'd have made a huge difference and improvement in myself and perhaps even the world around me. but no, its all hustle culture. its all just fast paced trends and capitalizing on any part of you that you can sell. No room for enjoyment, for creation, for rumination and contemplation. No time for just Sitting There, Existing. No time to find a higher purpose than eat shit work sleep repeat. Just a bunch of good little workers busy bumbling around like idiots taking 10 minutes for lunch and then spending hours upon hours at the same uncomfortable desk and chairs fucking up every muscle tendon ligament that the human body was made to utilize. hiding from the sun like vampires in our little worlds of paper and screens, exchanging fancy pieces of paper for a shitty, mass produced, unfilling snack from the robot that rarely works right. everything in this world is so excrutiatingly boring and horrid and I wish I WISH i knew what to do about it. how to change it. how to make the world see theres more to life than just pressing funny little buttons. life is so dull so utterly dull and i hate having to hide in the fantasy worlds of color just to cope with reality. glued to my own little screen of doom, endlessly and aimlessly, just to avoid the grayscale world we live every day. making up little worlds in my head where everything is bright, peaceful, harmonious between people and nature. I Want Something More Than This.