#headmate: martin

[interstellarchaosss]

Sometimes you have to hold Martin as if you are a dog chewing a little plush toy. Meme redraws of headmates are very fun.

Please do not use our art without our permission. Feel free to ask to use for icons and similar things, but we have the right to say no.

Program: IbisPaint X Approx. Time: 1h Original Date: 16.05.24 Commission/Trade/Collab status in bio/pinned! Art Of: Mystery [Headmate] Martin [Headmate] (System Member Artist: Mystery)

[interstellarsystem]

Disorder Differences in Systemmates

Systemmates share the same brain, which often leads to the assumption that they're all affected the same by the brain itself. Its wiring, its abilities, and its disabilities. But symptom holders or those with intra-disorders are fairly common--at least in circles we run in--and they're not often talked about for fear of fakeclaiming or appearing ableist. We have headmates who are affected in all sorts of different ways by our disabilities. Some find things harder than others, while others actually find some tasks or symptoms easier to manage. It absolutely varies from headmate to headmate, which makes certain headmates better suited for fronting during certain times than others.

Merlin is more affected by our psychosis, particularly hallucinations, and xe tends to be more susceptible to paranoia. Mystery is a psychosis holder too, and has more positive symptoms like hallucinations than the rest of us, but is less affected negatively by it. It often hallucinates and falls into delusional thinking, but it's not really too bothered by it. So Mystery is a good choice for someone to front when we're having a psychotic episode. Sometimes, having Merlin cofront with Mystery makes it easier for Merlin to not be so susceptible to xyr symptoms.

I (Martin) have more obvious anxiety than the rest of us, and struggle much more in social situations. I'm much better at hyperfocusing on tasks, though. So I'm better suited for staying home and working on whatever the current project we have at the time, or keeping our to-do lists in check. Vince on the other hand is calm in most social situations that are more professional--so he's good for business meetings and such. In more casual conversation though, Vena and Merlin are much better at it and better suited to non-professional social groups.

Vince is an intra-NPD holder and also holds stronger symptoms of our BPD. He struggles immensely with percieved rejection, much more than the rest of us. But he also almost completely lacks empathy, which makes it much easier for him to be calm and logical in stressful situations. He finds it easier to help friends and those he cares about during stressful times because he's not weighed down by feeling their emotions--whereas the rest of us might break down from stress.

We talk a bit about mental disability differences in headmates more than those who differ physically. Somehow it seems more controvertial to mention that we have headmates that differ with physical symptoms while even in safe system spaces. It seems like most people (us somewhat included) mainly think of symptom holders as a mental disorder thing--a line of thinking we're trying to dispel. Headmates can have different disabilities and symptoms of all kinds, and it's not ableist or "harmful" to know that and speak about it. Headmates with different conditions to the body need to be recognised more.

Mike needed a cane in his memories and he absolutely needs our cane when he fronts more than the rest of us. He feels more at home and like himself having a cane by his side here, though, so it's good we already had one. I (Martin) need it more too--my joints are just more prone to pain. But our cane folds up nicely into our bag, so if we switch out in public, it's always with us just in case. Even if it's silly, we feel safer having a cane too--I mean, it's a metal pole. We're out as trans and clearly not your Regular Society Member, so it provides some feeling of safety to have.

Jayfeather was blind before, and since coming here he sure can see now, but he's much more light sensitive than the rest of us. The feeling of being able to see was nice at first, even if it was foreign, but sometimes he feels it's not worth the hassle. He needs to wear sunglasses when fronting because his eyes just end up hurting from even small amounts of light. Crowley is the same, except he wasn't blind in his memories--he just got used to always wearing sunglasses in his life to hide how his eyes looked, and needs them here now. They're both more prone to migraines due to this.

Merlin is more shaky on his feet than others who front often. His legs are digitigrade and in headspace he has his wings and tail to balance him there--but in the body, he doesn't have any of that. His legs are the wrong shape and he has no counterweight to his posture. Even with our cane, he's more prone to tripping than most.

Mystery was a godlike being that didn't need to eat human food, or any physical food at all. It often forgets that eating, sleeping and going to the bathroom are things the body needs to do, because it doesn't often feel the need to do them. That can be good if we're running low on food, or if we can't eat for a while such as before a medical procedure though, so it's useful in its own way. Mystery is also not used to using its hands for intricate things like tying shoelaces, as it's hands before we're longer, bigger, and mainly nonphysical. It didn't need to be intricate, so it's hard for it to do things others in here can.

There's so many more examples in our system. The thing is, there can be positives and negatives to any disorder, really--and headmates are no different with that. We don't necessarily assign headmates "roles" or "jobs" based on their symptoms or lack thereof, but for us to function better as a collective, people tend to gravitate toward doing certain things they know others can't. It's important for us to know how we differ with our disabilities, and work around them together as best we can.

Systemmates with different symptoms aren't uncommon, and they're not mocking disabled people, or lying for some benefit. I'd argue that for some systems with symptom holders or intra-disorder holders, it's increcibly important to know about how you differ and how to work together to be functional--whatever functional means for you.

[knifedog-machina]

Daemons To Systems, And The Ways They Intertwine

Hey, I’m Max, he/they - I’m the host of our system, the guy who lives in the front and has only ever lived here, the one who identifies our body as my body specifically. A few nights ago, we realized something about our system origins while talking to some other systems, and I’ve honestly never heard of it happening before, so I thought I’d talk about it.

I used to think that I was a singlet before Jude and Gavin walked in. Now I’m pretty sure I wasn’t. See, before I was the host of a system, I was a daemian. I had three daemons, over the course of my time practicing daemonism, interacting with the community. And they were all a little weird.

The first one was Charlie, affectionately longformed as Charlemagne. Xe appeared in January 2018 as a red fox, said that was xir settled form, and never changed from that. That’s an option for daemons - I know other daemons who chose their forms, independent of how well that form represented their daemian, and stayed that way - but it was in contrast to how most people seemed to do it. I never really felt the need to find a form that fit my personality, not when xe was so confident that this was what xe was.

I didn’t try to make xir do anything, I didn’t decide to give xir faux autonomy - xe just did things xirself, with or without my prompting. Xe was playful, optimistic, a cheerful presence always willing to race around and perk me back up. I really needed xir, back then - I was going through a lot of stress in high school, and I needed someone around to remind me of the whimsical little joys in life. Xe fronted sometimes, and I loved when xe did, conjured phantom tail and paws and big fox ears and an unstoppable zest for life.

My next daemon, Martin, appeared in May 2019 after a fever dream. Really. I was sick and tired and miserable, and I didn’t want to do anything, including things that would make me feel better, and a new internal voice appeared in my head. She told me to drink some water and get to sleep. The next morning, she was still there, lounging around as a large black dog, and she stayed.

This became her role, her purpose in our mind, being a shepherd for my needs. She ran our faulty executive functioning, told me to take care of myself when I forgot important things, encouraged me when I failed to meet expectations. She raised her hackles when anyone tried to overstep our boundaries, and advocated for doing what we needed to protect ourselves, regardless of whether it was nice or polite.

Charlie and Martin overlapped in existence for a while. Charlie loved having a big sibling to play with, and Martin was fond of xir. So I had two daemons for a while, and the arrangement was nice. As I transitioned out of high school into college, my circumstances and environment drastically changed. Charlie was sweet, but xe stopped having a function in my life, so over the months, xe popped up less and less, until xe faded away entirely. Xe wasn’t upset to go, and xir memory is a comfort to me - xe served xir purpose, brought me joy, and had a life well lived.

In October 2021, I created a new daemon, compartmentalizing my emotional dysregulation and disordered anxiety into something that was Not Myself, so I could talk to it and understand its needs without being overwhelmed with distress. This became the feral shadow of a dog that we named Cortisol, nicknamed Court - and if Martin was our Freudian superego, who provided guidance for my decisions and stability when I got stressed, Court was our id, feeling all the explosive emotions that I couldn’t externally express and curling up for scritches like a beloved pet when it got what it needed.

We stayed like that for almost a year, getting familiar with the rhythm of life together. Then, in August 2022, my current headmates walked into my brain. My daemons vanished for the duration of their stay.

They only stayed around a few days, that first time - I was moving to a new place and having new people in my brain simultaneously was overloading our mental RAM, so I was forgetting a lot, and I decided that I’d rather live with them some other time. They understood, we said our goodbyes, and they walked out the next morning. (Recounting this to my friend Tanix was hilarious, by the way. “what the fuck (positive)” he said, his own headmates unable to do this. The joys of being a gateway system.) Once the headmates were gone, my daemons returned into my life.

They came back in March 2023, after I settled down into college for a while, and the memory didn’t jam up like it did previously, so we didn’t part ways this time. Martin and Court vanished overnight, again, and looking back on it, I’m noticing some patterns.

Gavin is basically performing the same role that Martin did - he’s the guy reminding us about our responsibilities, talking through the emotions when we feel like garbage, telling me to eat when I forget, or encouraging me to eat when I have enough sensory issues that I can't stomach anything. He consistently fronts when talking to people we don’t especially like, because he feels protective of us and tends to be the most patient with annoyances.

He’s also literally just some guy, just a decent human person who wound up in here because his partner arrived in my brain five minutes before him and understandably got really upset about it, so he followed them in. Somehow. We don't know how it works, but I also don't know exactly where the first two of my daemons came from, so I’m fine leaving it as a mystery.

(He has a lot of complicated feelings about the position he's in, playing a daemon’s role as a completely different person from me, and will probably write his own post about it some time.)

Jude is, unfortunately, kinda in the same role as Court. And since Court held the emotional dysregulation in my brain, Jude also holds the grand majority of the distress and anxiety that we feel on a regular basis. We all really wish it was split more evenly, because Jude tends to not only lose the ability to talk when they panic, they also get stuck in the front, completely unable to talk to me or Gavin.

(It’s not even that they feel the stress that directly affects them, it’s that on top of the stress that we get in our daily life. They regularly had panic attacks over my grades and exams last semester, and they weren’t even the one studying for it at all! It’s fucked up and I don’t love it for us.)

And there are other interesting little coincidences. You know how Court was a sketched-in sort of black dog? Jude only really realized they related to dogs upon arriving in the system with me, and the archetypal form they identify with is, again, a stylized black dog.

It’s really interesting, the ways my brain decided to be plural, because I didn’t think I was a system back then. I had a daemon, then two daemons, and they were daemons because I considered them parts of myself - no matter how autonomous they were, we were bound together in the same identity, as parts of the same person. They were reflections of me, and I loved them like I loved myself, and they loved me with the same ferocity.

With this realization, that my daemons effectively merged into my system, I did have to ask - are my headmates also parts of me, since they’re falling into the same functional compartments in my brain? We don’t think so, or at least, we don’t think it’s that simple. 

They’re completely different people from me, people who arrived here with their own lives and memories and identities. They aren’t autonomous reflections of my psyche like my daemons were. They’re my weird roommates who moved in with me, and my boyfriends, and I guess you could say we’re life partners - because hey, what’s a partner if not someone you share a life with? What’s more intimate than sharing the same body, hearing each other's thoughts and feelings? They aren't parts of me, but we live the same life together, and I think that counts as something just as significant.

[candy-bun-bun]

Tma live blogging pt 2

110 - Creature feature

Martinnnn yay Martin we love our Martin here

I love every episode with Martin so much (Is that probably because of our many Jon headmates that like to listen to tma as well? Maybe-)

[splattergai]

Hey there, could we rq a headmate pack of Pumpkin Rabbit from The Walten Files? He's been in our collective for a while, and he honestly scares us just by being near the front. He just gives off this unmistakable feeling of dread, and we wanted to expand on that!

Pumpkin Rabbit Headmate Pack!

[ PT: Pumpkin Rabbit Headmate Pack! /end PT ]

Note: Headmate may not form exactly as described. Anything can be changed to fit your system.

Dividers by @/saradika-graphics Left Photo by Emilia Willberg on Unsplash Middle Photo (BG) by Vino Li on Unsplash, Drawing by Martin Walls Right Photo by Taylor Rooney on Unsplash

Name (+ Sign-Off): Pumpkin Rabbit / PR (🎃🔪)

System: Fictive

Species: Spirit, rabbit animatronic

Age: Ageless

Pronouns: he/it, hallow/hallows

Gender: agender + horrorenigmatic (link)

Orientation: Aroace-spec

Likes: Halloween, horror media (movies, video series, ect.), pumpkin-related items, robots, dark spaces, rain, fear (the emotion)

Dislikes: Bright lights, the sun

Description: Likes to just. Stand in places around others, primarily nearly completely silent. He rarely speaks in general, and when he does it tends to be a garbled, deep voice. Often freaks other headmates out and it enjoys that fact. Seems to teleport from place to place. May or may not be able to twist his body into some sort of body horror. Especially likes to do it with the face.

[seasidewanderers]

intro post time!

times someone at work called us by another name that's neither our chosen name, nor our anagraphical name today [21/08/2024] : back to 1 😔

we've had this blog for... around 3 years now I believe, and never made an intro post, so here it is!

we're the Seaside Wanderers, a plural system. please call us alters or headmates! we go by Aaron, Ae/Ea, or Martin (pick a name, get one free!)

infamous Maternity Blackwood asker

we work in electric power&gas trading! ask us about it! weird ass job that your grandma won't believe it's a real actual job people do

(alter intros are under the cut along with other personal information)

no DNI, feel free to interact. if you'd have to break yours to interact with us, however, isn't the DNI kinda pointless anyway?

the meaning of our system name is nothing special; we all love playing LOTRO (the Lord Of The Rings Online, a MMORPG based on LOTR. highly recommended!) and one of the titles you can get for your character is "Seaside Wanderer". it stuck with us as we love the sea, love walking on the beach, and love how it sounds.

our alter tags are as follow for now, we'll update if someone else wants to participate in this blog:

#of rage and black tidings

#and no other choices

#tinker's curse

#vulpine era

#waterfront

we believe in endogenic plurality. we acknowledge it's a different thing from DID though, and also endogenic DID is NOT the same as endogenic plurality with DID.

CDDs [Complex Dissociative Disorders, a term that encapsulate all traumagenic and dissociative disorders such as DID, OSDD-1, P-DID, and those cases of UDD that cause systemhood] are trauma-based

we believe you can be plural without trauma, and you can be plural without a CDD, and that plurality isn't in itself a symptom of any mental disorder

we support informed and researched self-diagnosis

we support ALL plurals and ALL headmates! traumagenic, endogenic, mixed, median, empty systems, disordered, non-disordered, created, spontaneous, adaptive... I can't list all but I love and support YOU 🫵🏻 and I hope you're safe and having a good day, week, month, year and always! YOU deserve to feel good! yes, you! yes, you, person who might not agree with me, and who I might not agree with

personal, non-syscourse info here:

warning: flashing lights for a blinkie under the cut!

adult (turned 24!)

we work full time. we have a job in electric power&gas trading. we may talk shit about stock prices now and then

we're collectively gendervoid, trans/non binary neumasc-leaning, use they/them, it/its, and ae/aer pronouns, and are omni gay and queer

we are also physically disabled and neurodivergent. we have chronic pain and chronic migraines, schizotypal personality disorder, and psychotic depression, so you might see us posting about it now and then

individual introductions for us alters (divided by layer)

this won't be all of us, just those more likely to participate in this blog. due to our system's nature as polyfragmented we wouldn't know all alters, either. updating this a few at a time so we don't get overwhelmed

Jackdaws

James, 18ish, he/him; fictive. annoys Edward for a living. very opinionated. caretaker 🤎

Edward, 23+, he/him; fictive. likes blabbering about his source and sing. pirate enjoyer, annoyed with the fact we don't own a sword yet. role anarchist/does whatever he feels like 🩶

Waterfront

Oscar, 300+, he/they + ae/aer; OCtive (homebrew Pathfinder 1e campaign), half-elf, sylph alchemist, vivisectionist/wasteland blighter archetype. I may talk about it sometimes and I like answering questions about it. I like my source a lot. married to Celain. trauma-related role, protector/persecutor 🩵

Celain (pronounced as Colin), immortal, he/they; OCtive (homebrew Pathfinder 1e campaign, same as Oscar), elf angel (planetar agathion to be specific), cleric angelfire apostle archetype. I follow Pathfinder's fictional pantheon, but I'm making it work with our religions and spiritualities. married to Oscar. trauma-related role, protector/caretaker 🧡

Finnegan/Tristan, 19, he/they/it; OCtive (homebrew Pathfinder 1e campaign teehee), kitsune, bard fey prankster archetype. I love talking about Pathfinder please ask me about Pathfinder like right now thank youuu. token extrovert. my role is to stay silly in these trying times 💖

[evil-gang]

my three wives: Follow, her headmate Unfollow, and their best friend Block

we're the dark carnival collective. white, minor, autistic, fictive heavy.

our tagging system:

fandoms will be tagged with #(insert fandom)

triggers will either be tagged as #tw (trigger) or just as #(trigger). most often the latter will be used.

eyestrain and flashing will be tagged as #eyestrain and #flashing respectively.

grumblr (homestuck rp) blogs (these are our current focus):

@educatedwhimsy - Marria, rust/tyrian cuspblood, ghost

@cavernmeshi - Faelin, olive/jade cuspblood (she doesn't know that)

@highbloodhateblog - Stonie/Sawyer, lime, kind of a hater

@quadrantpunk - Melody/Crisis, olive/purple respectively (mostly inactive)

@culledcuriosities Martin/Carver/Toby, human/teal-cerulean/human respectively, former system now family

We are ALSO mods on beforus-for-real-justice and alternia-for-real-justice

here's some other sideblogs you might like:

@juniorstuck - homestuck au blog where we store our fankids. send asks pretty please :)

@puppy-punkz-incorporated - our punk blog. mostly run by gerry keay.

@strilondes-and-trolls - screenreader friendly homestuck fictive blog

@alternian-idiots non screenreader friendly homestuck fictive blog

@badlydrawnterezi - homestuck RP blog. pretty inactive but whatever

@badlydrawndoll - another homestuck RP blog. pretty inactive but, again, whatever.

No set DNI but I block liberally.

[gahantism]

I want to make a minor announcement here: A few people know this and a few don't.

I have OSDD. I have alters. They're not typically active here. But there are around.

I've put off telling anyone here because most people on Tumblr are prone to telling anyone unwilling to indulge info on their mental illness faker / kys / all that fun stuff.

But I have, at the moment, 4 alters.

Jayden - 35 years old. He's an older male, of Hawaiian birth. He is an introject of my OC Jayden. There are a few differences between him and the OC, mainly piercings and things he favors. He's the alter whose been around for the longest, and I've been aware of him since 2017.

Lucy - Golden Lab. Sweetheart and typically always around me when no one else co-fronts with me.

Anthony - 27 years old. Very quiet. Newest alter. Intoject of my OC of the same name. Currently he doesn't differ from the OC at all.

And the one that terrifies me to announce.

Dave - 50s (he age slides around). He's an intoject of....well, Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode. Fun enough, I am in a system server with someone else who has Dave as an alter / headmate. (And Martin!)

I hope this changes nothing about anyone's interactions, since my system runs differently than the average DiD system. (Ie. I'm always fronting, everyone else either becomes co-consious or co-fronts with me.)

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

And thank you to the followers who already knew. It means a lot that you are accepting.

[weird-pals-central]

Hii, we are new to Tumblr.

About zen:

We are a traumagenic DID system, our system name is "Zen," and we go by we/us pronouns (on this main). We have about to 7 alters, no fictives, and we are bodily 15, Latino. We use "alters" and "headmates" for ourselves. We gonna do some side blogs in the future(maybe), and there we gonna let them post more detalied intros, but for now, meet a short intro of the alters (that the co-host writed):

Blitz 🍄(He/They/It/Bug): 14-year-old bundle of energy! Raccon-like dude, has a serious love for monster energy drinks—like, it’s basically their water! You’ll often find them shitposting, sketching cool art, or diving deep into the latest anime show on netflix. He is super friendly and loves chatting with new people.

Martin 🌟(They/Them/He/Him): 21-year-old (looking) chill angel! Laid-back vibe that just makes everything feel a little lighter. They love to spend time binging TV shows (the "who is the father?" Type of stuff) and always says "lets do it tomorrow ".When they’re not playing bingo inline, they might be teasing Oliver.

Oliver🦊 (He/Him): Cool, sometimes sarcastic 16-17-year-old. He has a knack for keeping things organized and can be a bit strict about it. He’s got a major love for meat and cold. But fair warning: if you annoy him, you might just find yourself blocked(sorry)

Ramona🛍 (She/Her): 21-year-old ghost! She’s a total 80s fanatic and loves to share all her favorite things from that era. Whether it’s music, fashion, or TV shows. Plus, she’s the best person to go to when you want to reminisce about classic movies or music.

Rick/Vicky☘️ (It/Its/He/She): Almost an adult and runs things like a well-oiled machine. He is all about that clean aesthetic—if it’s messy, they’re not having it. Oh, and they absolutely love that feeling of finishing up homework or chores—it’s like a mini victory.

Lesley/Ulysses 🪻(He/Him): 15-year-old, they have a deep passion for art, music, and literature. Whether it’s writing poetry or creating visual art.

Davis🐑 (she/it/they): 17 years old, Davis enjoys exploring art and has a knack for expressing their feelings through colorful, imaginative pieces.

Our DNI:

- If you’re anti-LGBTQ+, racist bigoted, ableist, or intolerant in any way, this isn’t the place for you.

- We don’t engage with pro-ED, pro-sh or any harmful ideologies.

- If you’re a terf, radqueer, transmed, endo, MAP, or anti-kin, please keep scrolling.

[headmates-house]

inbox?

current inbox of headmates-house

ʚ ; sirius black (harry potter) fictive

ʚ ; natives of the windy forest (WILLOW) songtive

ʚ ; gaming (genshin) fictive

ʚ ; chad meeks-martin (scream 5) fictive

ʚ ; polar opposite / golden retriever + black cat brothers brainmades

ʚ ; sumeru + fontaine “pair” (genshin) fictives

ʚ ; misc queer alhaitham, kaveh, childe, yae miko, and wriothesley (genshin) fictives

ʚ ; misc queer arven, penny, nemona (pokemon scarvi) fictives

ʚ ; lesbian itadori + megumi and gojo (jjk) subsys

ʚ ; autistic symptom holder subsys

ʚ ; harry potter + hp : magic awakened sys pack

[ao3feed-jonmartin]

WTF (With Their Fictives!)

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/waNlu26 by Lightfarer "WTF is going on here?" "yes" Words: 809, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Series: Part 1 of WTF (With Their Fictives!) Fandoms: Original Work Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: Other Characters: Bill Cipher, Lightfarer (OC), Michael | The Distortion (The Magnus Archives), Peter Lukas, Nobori | Ingo, Kudari | Emmet, Distortion Haywire Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Additional Tags: JMart is not the main focus but is there, Multiplicity/Plurality, Pluralprompts, Fictives, headmates, Systems, WTF (With Their Fictives!), Short Stories, Nontraumagenic system, Endogenic System, Endogenic read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/waNlu26

[interstellarchaosss]

A polycule across our system and the Sparks system (@sparkssystem)! Sketchy because this is our first time drawing so many people in one image and this is also pose practice.

List of who is who in the readmore.

[THIS IS A GIFT, DO NOT USE]

Please do not use our art without our permission. Feel free to ask to use for icons and similar things, but we have the right to say no.

Program: IbisPaint X Approx. Time: 6h Original Date: 02.04.24 Commission/Trade/Collab status in bio/pinned! Art Of:

Back Row:

Rift [Headmate]

Merlin [Headmate]

Shintora [Headmate, @sparkssystem]

Front Row:

Martin [Headmate]

Vince (Possessed!Hunter) [Headmate]

Kishan [Headmate, @sparkssystem]

(System Member Artist: Merlin)

[interstellarsystem]

Imposing/projecting headmate presences is great because you're a little bit uncomfy, in pain and trying (but failing) to sleep? Boom, sensation of eldritch distortion monster cuddling you.

[knifedog-machina]

Role Fatigue And Being A Shell Of A Person

I Want Off This Self-Inflicted Archetype Ride, Thanks

Hey, my name's Gavin, he/him, and I'm writing out my fucking identity crisis on main, because what else do we have a journal for?

Content Warning: I get existentially fucked up about my personhood and purpose in life, and I use a few reclaimed slurs as identity labels for myself. This ends on a pretty hopeful note, all things considered.

So. This past week, we realized something, that Jude and I - especially me - have been basically fitting in the same roles Max's daemons used to. Because brains are weird, and they love patterns, and we've been unconsciously keeping this pattern going for a solid year or so.

And at the end of that last essay he posted about it, Max said that we aren’t the same thing. His daemons were parts of himself and extensions of what he needed back then. We, as their headmates, are separate people. And that’s that, right? Pack it in, solid conclusion, all neat and tidy. I sure fucking wish it were, but no, I’m having a bad time and I'm going to talk about it. My old therapist told me that writing out my thoughts is good for me, and I’m choosing to believe her.

I spent most of my time in the back. Not in a proper headspace, but just running damage control, executive functioning. Keeping track of stuff like, when's the last time you ate, or what do we need to do now to make your feelings less awful, or you should really take a break from memorizing brainstem structure and take a walk. And it's kinda ridiculous that I can do it for someone else, because I also have ADHD and all the executive function issues that go with it, but it’s easier when it's for someone else. And I guess that's part of being a Caregiver.

I'm capitalizing Caregiver there because I'm talking about the archetype. Martin was a caregiver archetype - her purpose in life was to take care of Max and their needs as a person, and she felt fulfilled and content with this because she was a part of them. She was never under the impression that she had anything to gain from becoming a fully separate person, someone with her own wants and needs as separate from her job, and she didn’t have anything to gain! She was happy like that, being an extension of someone else's needs, because Max was living enough life for both of them, and she didn't need to be a person for them to exist and thrive together.

I’m a separate person from Max. I'm a separate person from Jude. I'm not just an extension of what my partners need from me. But - fuck me, I've spent this long trying to be! And it's not even something that started here, it started in source, because Jude needed me to be functional while they were fucked up and having meltdowns over their abuser, and I stepped up because I wanted to help them. I helped them until I couldn’t anymore, because I was emotionally exhausted, and I stopped and recovered just enough that I could help them again the next time they ran back to me.

And I didn’t learn anything from that! I didn’t learn that I had to take time to rest and recover before I could help anyone else, I learned that I'm fully fucking capable of helping someone else if I just focus on them. This is the exact opposite of what I was supposed to learn, but I'm nothing if not exceptional.

Because - listen, I like helping people, I genuinely like taking care of people I love, it feels like I'm doing something important and making a difference and I am. It's so important to me to make sure that my loved ones are okay, and if they aren’t, I want to help them feel better. It's genuinely fulfilling to me.

And I looked at that, and I looked at what I could do, now that I'm here, feeling lost and confused and upset about forgetting important people and details in my life, and I decided that I would be fine just doing that. Only that. Specifically that. I can forget about how I feel like I’ve lost my identity by just making a new one. Right? It’s not like I had anything else to do, and I like helping people. It worked out.

So I just helped out. I didn't front, even though Jude did to talk to friends and make new ones and gradually get more involved in our daily lives, because I just didn't fucking want to. Like, really, what did I have to talk about with people? I don't have much. I'm doing something important, anyway, isn't that more useful than talking to people, or playing a game, or getting into a podcast, or reading a book? I was completely fine, and I had to be fine, because I couldn't help my partners if I wasn't fine and if I couldn’t do anything useful I’d have to face how fucking disconnected I felt from being a living person.

And now. Now, I can’t do that anymore. Because I fucking burned out. You really could have seen it coming months ago, if you paid attention, but I sure fucking didn’t. So I can’t do the things that I’ve been building my fragile fucking self-image over, and I’m left to look at what else I have to my identity to talk about. And it's really not enough, honestly.

Like, okay, I have three cats. They're wonderful little bastards, and I love them, and I can't hold a conversation only talking about my cats. I'm a fag, I’m queer, I’m transsexual, I'm kinky, I'm stone, and several of our friends have boundaries around discussing sexuality and slurs that I am not going to cross. I was into martial arts back in source, and we don't have the time or money to learn that now. I tend to like alternative rock and indie music, and I haven't listened to new music in months so that's kind of a dead end. I like tabletop roleplaying games, and we don't have the time to listen through a whole session, let alone a season, and I don't have opinions to discuss on them anyway because I'm fucking tired.

So I don't have much that makes me feel like I have an identity. I feel lost and frustrated and tired and anxious and useless. And I argued with my partners about reaching out to our friends for support, because I don't want to burden them with my nervous breakdown. Because isolating myself from the world has gone so well so far, hasn't it?

Turns out it helps to talk to people. Turns out we have the kinds of friends who also like helping their loved ones. Shocker, I know. And we know the guy who wrote the guide to growing as a person from being a fictive - thanks Goratrix - so I really should've done that weeks ago. Preferably before the nervous breakdown, but whatever, it happened.

In conclusion, I'm really not okay right now. Huge fucking surprise. But at least I know I’ll feel better if I start actively doing things. Because I can do that. Listen to new songs, listen to one session over three days. Play a video game. Getting one fucking hobby will probably do wonders to fight off the existential despair. And it's all going to be painfully fucking slow, because I'm not gonna remake a sense of self in a week, and it's going to suck. And I'm gonna get through it, and I'm going to feel better. It'll be worth it.

And hey, if you read through this whole thing and you're also going through the horrors, mood, take my hand. We’ll get through this shit together.

[the-magnus-archives-institute]

Hello! We've decided to go ahead and make a TMA kin/fictive sideblog since the tag is mostly dead. We also participate in Popculture Paganism, specifically geared towards our source. Here's a list of everyone you'll see and their tags on the blog!

Jonathan Sims - Statement recorder, avatar of the Eye and the Web.

He/him

"See the sun the shadows cast, from all the times I floated past, see the ocean spinning out, with all the hope and all the doubt"

#the archivist

Michael Shelley/ The Distortion - :) I am perfectly safe and harmless these doors are perfectly normal :)

He/they/it/none

"See how I circle, imaginary mind, imaginary lines, let the maze of my design carry you on. See how I fly away (away, away, away, away)"

#the distortion

Gerry Keay- I'm the distortion's special little guy he picks up like a ferret :] Desolation avatar, "The fire that consumes"

He/him

"The crow offers me a smoke. He says, "It'll take you for a joyride.""

#gerry

Melanie King - founder of the Blind Bitches Club

She/hxr/they

"I have nothing to say to you."

#melanie

NotThem - a NotThem that sometimes takes the shape of others. Currently Pamela

All pronouns

"I am the mockery of a memory"

#notthem

Martin - headmate whose fictionkin of a vast avatar Martin.

He/they/sky

"For our bones in the ocean forever will be"

#martin

Pamela - also referred to as Hive, Corruption avatar Chonny Jash fictive.

He/him

"This life did not choose us. It chose to consume us"

#the hive

Flurry - Vast/Lonely avatar Ghostbur fictive with a connection to the archives

He/her

"Cold and winter air and mountain rain combining"

#the frost

Helen Distortion/Richardson - :)

She/her

"Little miss, this isn't the deal we had!' Oh, did I mess it up? Well, then, that's just too bad!"

#helen

Nikola Orsinov - The ringmaster of the Circus!

It/he/they

"She knows you heard her staging music murder!"

#nikola

Sasha - Archivist Sasha who was killed

She/they

NotSasha - The Sasha that replaced her

She/they

Stratus - TMA Heart fictive, avatar of the Lonely

He/it

Nimbus - TMA Mind fictive, avatar of the Dark

He/it

Noctilucent - TMA Soul fictive, avatar of the Buried

He/xem

Joel - Smallishbeans Life series fictive who kins Tim

He/him

Annus - Unus Annus fictive, associated with the End

He/hxm

[the-wizard-system]

Info about the people in my head

Used to be more sure of this but idk now. We think we're an osdd system but not diagnosed with anything yet.

Terms used: upstairs is the front/near the front. Downstairs is the rest of headspace. Robin is almost always upstairs.

Don't like using clinical terms, or even more wide spread terms like "alter" or "switching" headmate is ok but we don't love it. I usually say "little guys in my head" or “parts” and perfer the term shifting bc that feels closer to what it feels like.

Emoji for everyone: 🏠

- List of parts under the cut -

- Robin -

Role: main guy/host??

Pronouns: He/him

Gender: Trans male

Sexuality: Homoromantic (T4T) Bisexual (but also on the AroAce ((grey for both)) spectrum, and currently has a female queer platonic partner)

Age: 20

Species: Human

Emoji: ✏

- Steven -

Role: Protector (ex persecutor)

Pronouns: He/him

Gender: Cis male

Sexuality: Gayyyyy (but kinda Bisexual sometimes)

Age: 20

Species: Human (can turn into a wolf)

Emoji: 🐺

Personal blog

- Little bird -

Role: Little/trauma holder

Pronouns: Any

Gender: Too young for gender

Sexuality: Too young for this too

Age: 4-7

Species: Human (can turn into animals)

Emoji: 🧸

Personal blog (run by Robin, partly just a reggresion blog)

- Lisa -

Role: Caretaker

Pronouns: She/they

Gender: Nonbinary girl

Sexuality: AroAce

Age: 17

Species: Human

Emoji: 📽

Personal blog

- Jelly -

Role: Unknown

Pronouns: He/they/xe/jelly/star

Gender: Magical boy ☆

Sexuality: Achillian Demisexual

Age: Ageless

Species: fairy alien thing

Emoji: 🌟

Personal blog

- Estelle -

Role: Trauma holder

Pronouns: She/it/that thing

Gender: Vaguely fem but no real gender

Sexuality: AroAce (romance repulsed and doesn't believe she can physically have sex due to being a doll)

Age: Ageless

Species: Doll/Dollkin

Emoji: 🤍

Personal blog TW talk of trauma and s*lf h*rm

- Martin -

Role: Caretaker/Protector

Pronouns: He/him

Gender: Trans male

Sexuality: T4T Gay Demisexual

Age: 30

Species: Human

Emoji: 📚

- Peter -

Role: unknown

Pronouns: he/him

Gender: male

Sexuality: Too young but thinks boys are cute

Age: 12

Species: human

Emoji: 🌱

- Max -

Role: Trauma holder

Pronouns: He/him

Gender: male

Sexuality: too young for this

Age: 9 or 10

Species: human

Emoji: 👑

- Forest/Frisk/Frisky -

Role: unknown

Gender: male

Sexuality: doesn’t really apply but gay I think

Age: adult (5 dog years)

Species: wolfdog

Emoji: 🐾

Personal blog

- Cecil -

Role: Gatekeeper

Pronouns: He?

Gender: Unknown

Sexuality: He doesn't do that

Age: Unknown

Species: Unknown

Emoji: ❔