#health update idfk

[verothexeno]

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Health update, most probably the last (unless something major comes up in the future)

After many tests and doctor visits, the final verdict is: functional abdominal pain.

There are no traces of infection/inflammation in my blood. No blood in my stool. No nothing. I am absolutely normal and healthy, yet the pain is real.

If I can broadly paint a picture, it relates to the fact that the nerves in my bowels are just freaking out when there's movement and I can be constipated more often (oh joy....).

It's mostly provoked by anxiety/stress, depression, all things that I've been dealing with for a major part of my life.

There's no treatment for this, except relaxing (lol) and meeting with a nutritionist and see what type of food are good/not good for me (for vis, I have no celiac disease as well).

My job is stressful, my family can be stressful.

I tend to internalize a lot of that distress in me, and that might have snapped something at some point, and here I am.

...

My partner and my friends are very supportive, and I'm so thankful for that.

Not gonna lie, I cried a lot yesterday when I got the news.

This, added with my bouts of fibromyalgia here and there (that has been a bit less severe than before, thank fuck at least).... I feel broken. I feel like a piece of shit.

I'm trying to navigate through all of that and figuring how that'll shape my life.

So far my biggest concern is if I want to have a child, will it complicate things? Will I hurt more? I have no fucking clue for the moment, but I guess that's a problem for future me...

I'm angry in some part 'cause, fuck, I'm careful about what I eat, I mostly drink water (which I purify 'cause the water here is hard as fuck), I workout. I just... I have a stupid body 🤷‍♀️

Anyway. I'm tired.

I'll get over it. I'm just tired.

[nerdby]

I was recently diagnosed with "mild COPD". That's what the doctor called it, but then I was called back in cause my alpha-one tests results came back abnormal. That is not a good thing, it turns out. When your alpha-ones are abnormal it means that at best you're a carrier for lung disease or cancer, and at worst you have lung disease or cancer. So we ran more tests and I got a call from the doctors' office saying they wanted to go over those tests.

That is not good news.

You ever hear the phrase no news is good news? Well, that's almost always applied to medical testing. So the fact that I'm being called in so my doctor can go over my test results is probably not good fucking news.

Trying really hard not to freak out.

[dr-spectre]

Ranting about the Splatoon Fandom Wiki....

I wanna quickly make fun of the Splatoon fandom wiki because like most fandom wikis, it's covered with ads unless you use an adblocker, is poorly formatted, poorly structured, has less info than Inkipedia, doesn't update frequently, has missing information, and genuinely is less "professional" than Inkipedia. It also just copies and pastes info from Inkipedia too so there's that as well... I'm not exactly sure how fandom wiki works and how the moderation works but it seems scattered and not good enough by any means.

Like Callie's page for example has this weird ass paragraph that says Callie was left unstable after Splatoon 2??? And it contains a lot of errors and a very weird subjective piece of text in what is supposed to be an objective as possible page, cause you know, ITS A WIKI!!!

She wants to splat shielded Octarians over and over again because that's just in line with her character, she's energetic and silly, she doesn't give a fuck that you need to go behind them to attack them better, she's just gonna splat them up front with her roller, that's just who she is, she represented team Show No Mercy in Splatoon 1 for a reason. Also that dialogue is cut off from what she actually says to further paint this idea that Callie is some broken unstable girl who was a victim of kidnapping and forced brainwashing, for some fucking reason i don't know. I can't even seem to find the original dialogue they stated because THEY DON'T LINK SOURCES!!! HOW DOES A WIKI NOT PROVIDE SOURCES TO THEIR QUOTES!?!?? WHAT!?? I tried checking Inkipedia and even they don't have this dialogue from Callie, so idfk man. All I know is that the dialogue was cut off. Ugh...

From my memory i don't even recall Callie having a new facial animation where her pupils shrink, or it's just so incredibly minor that it's not worth bringing up at all. She also wasn't smiling to hide her panic when her grandfather was kidnapped and insulting Mr. Grizz what the fuck? She was frowning when Cuttlefish dried up and died for a moment!! She was UPSET! and didn't hide it at all! What the hell?! Also facial animations in Splatoon work by the characters swapping between different mouth presets in quick succession, you can see it for yourself when you watch the Idols perform and sing, their mouths don't move smoothly and it makes sense because their language is just gibberish and clipped together audio clips. You can't animate that smoothly unless you spent an INSANE amount of time to animate their mouths incredibly smoothly to match the intentional gibberish and messy vocals. And you gotta do that for EVERY. CUTSCENE. IN. THE. STORY. MODE. That's why the developers just do the cheaper and simpler option to save on time, money and labour.

The "Plenty!" line in response to Shiver's "what is wrong with you?" Is most likely a reference to her quote on quote "airheaded" personality and a subtle nod at her putting the shades back on again and again.

Callie does seem to have mental health issues but it wasn't caused by some "brain warping evil shades oooo", it was due to various things prior to that. Waking up very early in the morning every single day and working non stop, getting harassed by paparazzi, being incredibly lonely and having a strained relationship with someone you used to care about would fuck up anyone's mental health and cause you to overthink and make bad decisions, like join the Octarians and end up wanting to adopt their ideals due to not wanting to go back to your old life and having to deal a fractured relationship with a family member that you think insulted you multiple times on live television, and those feelings and that darkness inside your heart get further amplified by hypnotic shades that cause the restraints in your head to finally break through. But i digress....

Another BIG issue with the fandom wiki is that it's not updated at all, it's extremely outdated, you can check for yourself, find your favorite Idol or character and see if they have the latest info on them, chances are, they don't.

Marina's page is missing Side Order information and new songs.

Shiver's is missing a LOT of gallery and Splatfest information. (No info on Suffer No Fools and "What would you do at world's end?" Splatfest)

Same with Frye. (Frye has the most up to date info on her Splatfest wins and loses yet Shiver doesn't? Huh?)

DJ Octavio's page spreads the incorrect narrative that he uses music to directly control Octarians which has been proven false.

Inkipedia gets it right by saying it's more like propaganda and military marches.

(Although i have my own personal issues with how sometimes Inkpedia talks about Hypno Callie but at least they bothered to include the god damn relationship chart in her page.)

Yeah the Splatoon fandom wiki is just.... bad man. it's awful. It's dogshit. Sometimes i see it as the top result when i search for characters and other Splatoon related content, i don't want casual fans and newcomers to go on that website which has false and outdated information. Please give all the support you can to Inkipedia. It's incredibly rich in information and updates fairly quickly. As a game wiki it's insanely well put together and one of the best wikis out there. It's amazing. If you want to do a wiki scroll and you're mildly interested in Splatoon then it's a great place to get lost for a while and spend some time in.

I just wanted to do a little ranting is all right now. I know that a large majority of people in the community don't like the fandom wiki and Inkipedia is superior by 10000000x but. I just wanted to rant a little. Get my thoughts out there. I'm too attached to a certain cephalopod woman to let poor information about her slide under the radar.

[c00kiejar]

This song...

I've never really made a proper post before, just shitposts and the occasional art thing. I want to make one to properly express how I feel right now and why this song represents it perfectly. I will warn you first, however, that this mentions a certain YouTuber who was recently completely destroyed on Twitter and my personal experience as a viewer, and may delve into some not-too-happy thoughts

Still here? Let's dive in

It all starts way back when I was still a kid. I was navigating the wonderful site known as YouTube, trying to find videos on videogames and, specifically, I think it was Super Paper Mario. I had no idea how to beat Chapter 2-3 (the Ruby debt one), and I needed help. That's when I stumbled across a YouTuber called Chuggaaconroy (a.k.a. Emile). The way he provided all the information I needed in one video was exactly what I needed. I couldn't subscribe to his channel because I didn't have a Google account, so I just periodically checked his channel, eventually learning he uploaded every day at 5 PM, perfect for younger me. I'd watch his videos when they came out, loving every single one. I eventually discovered his collab channel, The Runaway Guys, and loved that channel even more. He, Proton Jon (Jon) and NintendoCapriSun (Tim) entertained me for YEARS with their content. I even branched out into Jon's streaming community, becoming a semi-regular artist on the booru for a time (you can still find my stuff there under the name TehSm1tty. Not my best work, but I still like some of it). Years come and go, and I have my fair share of mental health troubles, but I'd always find Emile, Jon, and Tim there to brighten my days.

Fast forward to sometime last week. I've been pretty inactive on Twitter aside from my alts, but I decided to see what was popping on main. I log in and get recommended a post with the hashtag "WeStandWithChugga". I had no idea what was going on, so I looked into it. I won't go into detail here, but the jist of it is that Emile was a total creep to many women and even drove wedges between himself and good friends because of this weird behavior. There's a lot more to this than just that, but the point is that it shattered my view of him. I knew he was pushy and that always kinda annoyed me, but the extent of it broke me. For a few days now, I've been having a rough go of it. I mean, my childhood YouTuber just got outed as a complete creep and has some serious allegations of being at least a lolicon, at worst a pedo. I've been down and out for days, and it just wouldn't stop. That is, until I found out that Tim has a Reddit account. I never knew this (or, well, maybe I did and just forgot. Idfk), and was amazed to learn that Tim's been keeping Reddit updated on what he's able/willing to share. Turns out Emile's getting the help he needs at a legit mental hospital and that he's ok. That's what made everything stop. Hearing he's ok. After all the shit Emile has done, he's still a human being and doesn't deserve to have the whole internet turn on him in a fraction of a second. Hearing a fellow human is ok made me feel better. I'm not letting him off the hook, and I do not believe he should ever be forgiven for what he's done, but if he is willing to better himself and become a better person, I am more than willing to believe in that Emile.

Now to come to roughly 40 minutes ago. I decide to boot up Satisfactory and play a bit, but I have no idea what to listen to while I do. I put on a song but quickly get bored of it, and then I see "OMORI | Do You Remember? | Extended" in my recommendations. I put it on and instantly, as if I were splashed in the face by water, I wake up and feel better. I was still stressed about everything going on (I'm set to go to college in September, AND my folks are headed to Mexico in about a week, so I'm stressed from those too), but with the first note on the piano, everything faded. All my swirling negative emotions were replaced with a somber peace. I'm still hurt by the last week's revelations, and I'm never going to truly recover (who could?), but I'm moving on. I think my comment on the video describes how I feel best; "The sad yet peaceful feeling this song evokes in me... It's pretty much how I feel today. I feel at peace... or, well, mostly. There's still pain, and there always will be, but I can move on and I'll live. In the future, I'll look back on this last week and feel sad, but that'll be in the future when this is all over with for good, so I can also look back at before it and be happy that those good times happened. Nothing will ever be the same, but such is the way of the world. Saying goodbye is saying hello to the future, and we all need to do that eventually. Who knows what the future may hold? I, for one, can't wait to see. Hello future, and goodbye sadness".

Chuggaaconroy was an inspiration and a light in the sea of darkness for so, so many, and these revelations have snuffed the light he provided out. What I hope is that Emile takes a long, long break from the internet to become the person we all believed him to be, to truly become that bright light in the dark, rather than just another dark figure holding a flashlight. I don't hope for that as a supporter of him as I don't support who he is right now (as if I haven't said it enough), I hope for that as a fellow human who only wishes to see everyone become the best version of themself.

I think this post was exactly what I needed. I've finally gotten everything out in a cohesive (maybe?) and healthy manner, and I'm ready to become my best self. I will be beginning work on YouTube videos tomorrow, and will hopefully be posting Thursdays at 5 PM (in honor of DatPags whom has not uploaded in a long time).

To anyone who finished reading this post, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Please, go become your best self, but do not do so by putting others down. Better yourself and acknowledge your flaws, overcome them, and do not repeat Emile's mistakes. Learn from those around you.

Yours truly,

Cookie_Jar of Tumblr dot com

[infinite-protagonist-but-yapping]

guys if i wake up and zelda is shoving a galvanized square steel pipe down my throat for not signing a contract i dibs on making a mini blog when yall can just talk to the narrator bc you guys like him so much,,

or if furretdance tried to kill me again

thats pretty likely too

anyway protag health update!1!1

like his ribs are SHATTERED

head hurty (crackle thingys happened back on the cranium somehow idfk)

i might have him hallucinations if i feel silly >~<

[transformersunity]

hey there, long time no see <3

tl;dr of the MANY words i am about to say: i have plans to present unity in the form of a wiki + video essay(s), though these may take a while to come to fruition. if you could read the whole thing thank you i love you i think i say good words.

SO. HI. ITS BEEN A WHILE. a lot of things have happened to me which includes like. yknow. dropping out of college and a special interest change, but here i am! thinking about unity! and, truly, i've never stopped thinking about unity at any point . but i think im finally at a point in which i have ideas that are concrete enough to share PLUS. y'all are overdue for an update on what's going on. so sorry.

so as the tl;dr already spoiled, i have plans to create a wiki for TFU and (a) video essay(s). the wiki will hold any and all information on unity, like character bios, vocab, etc., while the video essay(s) will be an explanation of what the plot of tfu would've been. which is a weird thing to type and read with my own eyes, the past tense of it.

its weird reading some of my older thoughts where i seem to really think that there was a possibility that unity could be a webcomic in any way shape or form. because i dont think it ever was a real possibility nor will it ever be a possibility. i dont say that solemnly at all, i say it just as a realistic matter of fact. because i dont know who else needs to hear this, but people who make huge, impressive projects by themselves or with little help are the exception and most definitely not the standard. and i think its unhealthy in a lot of ways to expect that level of work ethic from yourself, especially if you're like me and chronically ill, neurodivergent, mentally ill, etc.

i think i would've grown to hate unity if i had pushed for it to become a webcomic. instead, i'm actually really excited to work on it more and present in this format that's gonna be more accessible and way easier and fun for me to work on. and i dont feel any shame in like. idfk taking "the easy way out" i dont care !!!! what matters is im making shit and having fun and being happy while doing it.

ANYWAYS. it will still be quite a while until y'all see anything, i think at the earliest you may see it at the end of this year/early next year, but time will tell! i do have a long list of health issues and irl problems that impact my ability to work on stuff like this, but given that this is a lot less work than yknow. WORKING ON A WEBCOMIC. i hope it wont be too long until i can tell y'all that i've made progress :]

in the mean time, i've updated some of this blogs info and i'm gonna clear out the inbox to leave room for new asks. i might answer a few if i feel that i can talk about stuff w/o major spoilers (given that i'd still like to surprise y'all with some plot points and characters yknow <3). but if y'all have any questions or curiosities about what i've discussed here, or anything at all, definitely send them in, and i'll try to not leave you hanging for three years :)

[worldsendgirlfriend]

this is the second time now ive gone to a doc about this fucking lump and been told they aint gona do shit about it so i just went all the way down here thru rush hour to get told to come back in six weeks. But ill admit this time im not actually that peeved bc the dermatologist was just being a jackass cuz i didnt know some shit that i "was definitely told" (checked my patient portal after and guess what. i sure fuckin hadnt been) about the ultrasound i had done, and he didnt wana do shit bc he "didnt want to interrupt the procedures i was already having done" i.e. the mri i had the next day. which we were tryin to get out of bc the copay was 137 bucks (which i had to put on my credit card bc Of Course my moms credit info that i recited to the receptionist was declined. she paid me back ya but it annoyed me bc thats 137 i received Right Then and will be billed for way after the fact yfm). also the dermy just treated me like i was a fucking child cuz i mentioned like yeah my mom nd i had been talking like it feels liquiduous under there why doesnt someone just poke a hole in it and drain it. also he just looked at me in a weird way that felt like an odd mixture of condescension and some kind of pity like he was feeling sorry for how ignorant and stupid i was. meanwhile this guy (surgeon) explained all his reasoning for not wanting to open it and answered all my questions clearly, didnt treat me like an idiot for not knowing the results of my ultrasound (i had my mri cd on me tho so that was likely more helpful than just whatever a lubed up scanner said) and like basically just fucking listened to me and talked to me normally as a doctor should. so im not rly bothered abt this honestly and i Was on the road awhile but i literally walked into the office at the exact time i was sposed to be there so it was fine. wondering abt like idfk getting a cofe while im down here but im thinking ill head north again and maybe go to the library for a quiet place to write cuz i got ideas bouncin around for a fic which hasnt been the usual lately at all. i think i rly do need to name this lump atp tho like its been at least three months

this has been dabi's completely unnecessary update about his neverending health issues. i have not slept in over 24 hours for the second time in the past few days and i do not feel any different

[cedarteef]

welcome to the deep forest, try not to step on the cryptids

i’m cedar, kinoko, or whatever else you find fit.

disclaimer: i’m new to tumblr after avoiding it for years, so be patient with me

refer to me as whatever you what

i’m an 18 y/o college student. i work as a server/waiter and, in the future, i plan to help the youth in the criminal justice system emotionally succeed. other than that, i am just a small little unknown mustelid.

pronouns, sexuality, gender, etc. it’s all up to you. i’m just someone struggling to grow beyond the curse of girlhood and however you define that is yours.

who i am is shown through the art and words i publish here, void of labels and societal standards :3

what you’ll find here:

there will be trigger warnings on some of my posts. my writing/art is usually focused on my struggles with body image, family issues, and mental health struggles. i welcome you to find solace in our shared troubles

i have very bad habits and i self-medicate along with my prescribed medication. these actions are NOT encouraged. there will be trigger warnings for any mention of medication, smoking, getting high, drinking, or vaping.

i look up to dionysus for comfort and guidance, meaning i WILL talk about him and my worshipping of him. he is not my friend and i will not refer to him as such, considering he’s an omniscient being and i am just a follower. please do not disrespect him or any other greek mythological beings while on my page out of respect for my beliefs. the same respect for your religious/spiritual affiliation is always extended to you :>

i try to write poetry and short stories ! i’m not particularly proud of my work, but i will share some of it for the sake of vulnerability and expression.

i love to view and make art. i hold the belief that no form of art (visual, auditory, etc) can ever be labeled as “bad art” so feel free to interact and give tips geared towards growth.

i’m back into my warrior cats phase from 11 years ago, so pray for both me and my ocs teehee

if i was a furry, i’d be a ferret. that specific thought won’t ever come up again but i need you to know this. i fucking love ferrets oh my gawrsh (in voice of goofy)

i love psychology and analyzing works through the lens of the creator’s mind. i also love to read psychological studies and shit. share your findings and theories with me please.

i’m strange and off-putting sometimes. rabid, if you will. however, if i ever make you uncomfortable don’t be afraid to speak up or just block me ! it doesn’t matter whether we’ve interacted before, just do whichever puts your mind at ease.

i have the hiccups right now what if i DIED

update: it’s 10 minutes later and the hiccups are gone. praise the lord.

I LOVE DOCTOR WHO and horror and FNAF and supernatural and warrior cats and family guy (idfk man) and um and ferrets and women and damon salvatore and ICP and P!ATD(not urine man) and breaking bad/better call saul and domo and matthew lillard and SHIFTING (not shifted) and tattoos and tattooing

some things i want for my blog:

- respect, which will ALWAYS go your way

- unbridled criticism that focuses objectively on the technique and not the content of my artistic and poetic works !!

- different opinions !!!! diversity and curiosity are the root of the human experience, don’t feel the need to fall in line with anybody here.

- be yourself

- NEVER BE AFRAID TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL !! i wrote that in all caps to put emphasis on it but now it seems like a threat. either way, yes.

--> you, my beloved reader, can’t be controlled by me or anyone. i just ask for consideration and respect for myself and others. i welcome you to block me if you so desire :)

my insta-blocks:

-> outward disrespect for my beliefs or the beliefs of ANYONE at all

-> outward disrespect for dionysus or other greek mythological beings

-> harassment

-> ideologies or actions i see as harmful or detrimental to myself or others

(my use of the block button is, infact, selfish and geared towards my own growth. my respect for you and for myself coexist but if one fails, the other is likely to as well. my goal is to live peacefully on here !)

[verothexeno]

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I guess health update? I just need to vent

so basically since the end of November I've been having those stomach/gut pains that just won't go away.

I've done some basic blood tests, radios+echographies and "everything's normal", yet the fucking pain is still there.

Went to see another doctor and now I have some other blood tests to do plus a stool test and I'm just....

I feel like I'm crumbling. It hurts. I've been crying so many days and weeks now. I was able to get the blood test to be scheduled this week (when it was first scheduled for next week....)

I just want to stop hurting. I just want to go back to normal and do my things. I can't concentrate, I feel so fucking tired and in pain. All I want for my freaking birthday next week is to be healthy. Is that so much to ask for....

fuck I hate my body. there's always something wrong with it.

[welcometonightgayle]

bout to go off on an innocent pharmacist for something my doctor did, uh oh

[gxcons]

yes this is my second night on here vague blogging about A Man bc dammit i may be 24 years old but this is my blog and i can do whatever tf i want

i also don’t feel like writing all this in the tags so. he didn’t respond to my text from yesterday whatever. lol today turns out i am actually sick w covid. so i decide a. bc of sorta close contact over the course of two days last week and b. so he wouldn’t text me asking when i’m returning to work - i double-texted (ugh) saying “tested positive, just an fyi” then put my phone on DND lmao

[bizarropurugly]

Remaking the post since there’ve been some updates since I first posted

I am in need of financial assistance. Any amount or reblog will help. I have an $8,000 medical debt and lost my job in August.

On top of that, up until yesterday (oct 19th) I had foster kittens, which are a huge financial responsibility to take on.

edit: I got them back. I was worried sick about them. She charged me 120 dollars to have them back. She threw away some of their stuff too...

I didn’t really have the money but I had to get them out of there. I’m switching up my strategy on getting them adopted but until then I am back to paying for them. They both had some health problems coming back too...

My p*ypal is damegreywulf at gmail

Or, if you’d like to get something out of it in exchange, I do have a Redbubble.

Getting something important from my general wishlist and my cat supplies wishlist would also be appreciated.

Additionally, a good friend of mine who has amazing art is doing commissions and selling designs/adopts on my behalf.

If nothing else, check her out and give her a follow because she’s a cool kid whose art is just awesome.

Read more with details under the commission price sheet

The debt is from two stays at a psych ward around 10 years ago. I’m not sure it was an active debt but I fell for the pressure and made a payment, a payment I couldn’t really afford as I had just the day before lost my job. So I may have made a massive mistake that will fuck me over for the rest of my life, because at no point IN my life have I had 8,000 dollars, and the balance keeps accruing thanks to fucking interest. And they charged me TAXES when I sent the payment!

My unemployment is less than 200 a week and idfk where people are getting that it’s so high it competes with / is better than employment because no the fuck it’s not. And all these people saying “get a job, EVERYONE is hiring!” don’t get the difference between SAYING you’re hiring, and actually hiring a person. Because so far, I’ve been rejected every time.

Of course, that doesn’t account for how long I was struggling because they took OVER A MONTH to sort my unemployment out, because Illinois is a fucking mess right now, between scam artists and COVID restrictions for government employees only. You have to call to get in line, and they call you back anywhere from a few days later to nearly 2 weeks. There was a woman I saw who STILL hadn’t gotten an answer after 4 months!

Through the struggle, I was approved, then denied, then approved, then denied, with the final issue being that I had a indefinite ban on receiving unemployment from when I applied back in 2016. For one, why does such a thing fucking exist? And two, according to their own rules it should have AUTOMATICALLY fallen off once I had a steady job. So yeah, Illinois is fucking people over big time and doing jack shit all about it except going like “hey guys, another job fair, for Chicago area mostly!”

The kittens were damned expensive, would probably have been less if Gimli wasn’t so sick when I caught him and Pippin and Merry weren’t so young. Gimli and Pippin have been placed in a shelter, Merry’s already been adopted out, they’re all good and healthy boys. But they were as expensive as you might think a human baby. Between the checkups, vaccinations, cleaning supplies, food, etc...

Well to give you an idea, each vet checkup is 40 bucks, and typically tilted towards 200 if anything more was needed. Flea meds, 30-40 per month. Food 30-40 each time. Cleaning supplies 20-30 depending on what I needed. That’s not including the baby food, toys, blankets, warmers, and etc.

I’ve been struggling to afford gas, thanks to the fact I still have doc appointments pretty much every week, not including the gas for interviews when I actually score them. My car’s headlights also stopped working entirely so now I can’t stay out long lest I have to drive home in complete darkness and risk being ticketed. My parents are still disinterested in doing anything to fix my car because they think it’s not worth it, and when I do convince them I don’t get anywhere because nobody tells me who’s who to call about it, and I certainly can’t pay for it anyway.

Just, in general, I’m struggling and not managing well.

So... anything is appreciated.

[newhologram]

I've picked up my meds and can now chill the rest of the day, so here's my silly health update 🙄

Bloodwork at ER wasn't so bad. Just a little anemic as usual. CT scan of my pelvis confirmed that the lymph nodes around the rectum are enlarged but they also said there's "suspected thickening of rectal wall" that could be either due to inflammation or neoplasm, which is the same thing I was told about the lymph nodes from the last MRI. I'm frustrated at the inconsistencies between reports. I noticed the rectal wall thickening on my MRI but it wasn't on the report. Now it's reported on the CT even though that's a less detailed picture. And this CT report said my ovaries were normal, which contradicts my recent imaging. The ER nurse came to talk to me about it and told me that my GI is likely going to want to scope me to screen for cancer. I let her know that I'd already been scoped last year during my hospitalization and the year before, and that I've had 6 total colonoscopies. Every single time they tell me, "eh, it's mild to moderate" and no further investigation is done. I told her this is why I'm suspicious that this has to do with endometriosis, but that I'm also cautious because colon cancer does run in my family. She was surprised to hear that I've already been through all this and went to talk to the ER doc about it. When she came back she took me to a private room for exam just in case. Luckily the bleeding seems to have stopped, but I've also not had any BM for almost 24hrs so 🤷 She urged me to call my primary and GI first thing in the morning. They called me before I got the chance because they heard I was in the ER again, so I set up a follow-up next week. It looks like my doc forgot to put in the GI referral so I'll be asking for that. ER nurse prescribed me a ton of antibiotics, anti-nausea, and some strong painkillers. I had to really stress that I cannot take NSAIDS alone bc of my IBD and that I believe they are the reason my gut is so much more messed up--because doctors won't give me painkillers and just want me to rely on OTC stuff that actually makes me worse. I'm going to have to have a serious talk with my primary because if she can't or won't prescribe me this kind of stuff to help me survive long enough for surgery, then I don't know what my fate will be. It also turns out my doc is sending me specifically to a hematology-oncologist--a blood cancer doctor--because of the lymph nodes. I hadn't made the connection at first but duh, lymph = lymphocytes = white blood cells. I'm honestly just not sure how I'm going to survive the rest of the year if things keep going this slowly. Making patients waits weeks to months for referrals and appointments is just asking for a health breakdown or death. People around me are already acting weird about it as usual, and I'm preparing myself for them to abandon/invalidate/minimize as a reaction to their discomfort at seeing me the sickest I've ever been. Idfk time for therapy

[katzirra]

MINA UPDATE; MINA HAS BEEN TO FOUR VETS IN 72 HOURS.

First vet was the ER vet. Found she was dehydrated and put her on fluids and because of three other things said she was stage 3 kidney disease. Kicked me out at 7:30 am to go to my vet across the road.

Second vet, my shitty vet who didn't tell me at her UTI visit nine months ago to keep an eye on her kidneys because she's old; basically left her to do her fluids ans SUPPOSEDLY rechecked her at 5:30pm qnd in short told me she wasn't gonna make it for another 24-48 hours. Shitty bedside manners, honestly. Said she was too far gone to do much for her poor kidneys.

Didn't like those bullshit answers. Got her home and noticed her vision going which is STRANGE. That doesn't happen SUDDENLY... So at 9am we took her to my sister's vet who ran her blood and saw her kidneys were hella better than we were told. Also told she's way healthier than we were told. Vet told me she suspected hypertension because some things but unfortunately no way to measure her blood pressure there. Gave me meds, insisted we try to do the sub fluids for a week and see if she evens out ans THEN look into if we need to out her down. Overall just way more positive.

Mina was walking around, climbing in her box, keeping fluids and food down what we gave her. TRYING to find her box qnd use it. I woke up today to her having g blood on her iris, and freaked out.

So my sister came to catsit today, got food and water in her, monitored her, kept her warm and called some friends - one of whom is an Amish horse vet who had a cat with hypertension. Which the eye thing super lead us to believe that's what it was. He told us to just get her checked and go from there.

FOURTH FUCKING VET WAS ANOTHER ER VET. ARGUED WITH ME ABOUT MY PAPERS BEING FAXXED OVER THAT VET NUMBER THREE HAD TWO TECHS FAX AND EMAIL OVER. The told me how WORRIED they were about Mina ans her overall condition, and yet literally would not stop telling me she is probably gonna die. Like the three vets out of the four who told me this can rot in hell honestly. The third vet was the only one who acknowledged my cats age and also commenter on her ACTUAL health and what's poor right now with goos optimism. I'm livid still how the last one was.

After my sister getting pissed, my sisters vet getting pissed, the fucking tech going back over to the building to passive aggressively email the paperwork to them ans angrily calling them and calling me back TWICE finally they got me a prescription for some blood pressure meds. My poor cats blood pressure is 300+. Her poor fuxking head. It took them 2 hours to stop grabbing my dick, when I was telling them she has to have high blood pressure ans please hurry because I'm so fucking scared for her eyes....

SO WE GET HOME, GIVE HER HER MEDS, SHE DRANK FOR HERSELF FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES, PEED LIKE A BASTARD, GOT 100ML OF IV IN HER TO HELP WITH THE DEHYDRATION AND IS SLEEPING LIKE A LITTLE ANGEL NOW.

Things are looking better and even if she only has a week I just wanna know I did my best to make her comfortable and she's not going out in pain, she's going out feeling as close to normal as I can. I want her brain not on fire. I want her to at least be able to see us...

I'm so tired ans last I checked on her, she was at least sleeping and purring... But man. These vets around here. I'm still amazed no one checked her blood pressure ans basically told me on yeah she's gonna die. Like straight up.

More so too is just... Idfk man, like I kept telling my actual vet, vet 2, that my cat has always drank a lot of water, always has dilated pupils, runs cold, is small, is antisocial qnd complacent when handled too much...and he still gave me shit... Juat....I'm never going back there....

She dwink

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Life update: Road trip, R's partner, and other junk

Hi again

I know I was just on here the other day but it feels kinda odd to not post everytime I'm taking pills like I was before. Though I won't lie it's been a lot easier. I try to not think as hard on what upset me enough to take em and it's been pretty nice. Ish

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This'll be another long one so apologies in advance. Lot of stuff went on theee last few days

I've split the three major points I was talking in color coded sections.

-Green is rambling about a recent trip I went on

-Purple is thoughts on R's recent breakup with her partner of a little over a year

-Red is health shit I've had going on

(Road trip/Indiana trip as a whole)

Anyway. Last few days been slightly hectic. During that trip in Christmas my mom told me about this trip she'd be going on in July to Indiana and asked if I wanted to tag along. I ofc said yeah cause ill take damn near any excuse to get out this funky ass house annnd that was that. She didn't give details fr and up until like a week ago I didn't even know when we were going.

Thooo due to the funerals a few weeks back and her not really having plans plans for my arrival anyway, i was finna get left at the lodge second as she didn't know anyone that was coming to Indiana and my dad was gonna get a rental to drive me down which my mom didn't wanna put on him. So about 3 days before, she just was like oh you aint going lol. I played it off when I was otp with her but soon as she hung up I took R off hold and tried to do the same, only to break down in tears like 5 mins later

I feel bad to keep putting her through that so I calmed down enough to hold it in and parted ways with her bout 30 mins later. Me and my mom's relationship is kind of complicated and I thought this trip could possibly be an opportunity to uncomplicate things you know? So I felt so stuck when just like that, I was to be left after months of thinking id be there

Well in my hiding of my hurt I kinda hid my disappointment which I didn't want her to take as me not caring. So I texted her high high around 3am expressing my salt about not being able to go. Which somehow someway got me a ride to Indiana. I didn't know these people and it was a 4 hour drive (with all the extra they were doing ahit wnd up being like 6 😭) so I was kinda scared. But honestly? They were really cool.

I was slightly gone that entire car ride as I took some shit to mellow out some but I think I woulda been okay regardless. I was tryna avoid talking and I was playing sudoku and listening to music for a good 2-3ish hours. Thennn they started tryna involve me in convos and listening to their music which led them to ask if i smoked.. and I shoulda said no as I barely have experience with weed outside them bootleg delta 8 pens but I said yeah annnd we all smoked. I barely did as I knew I would be entirely too gone and I didn't want my mom to br able to tell. She seems disappointed that I smoked with my aunt that one time so I couldnt imagine how she's see me smoking with complete strangers (to me anyway. They're longtime friends to her)

See okay I know that sounds bad but the weed wasn't why I thought they were cool. They were just real persistent to involve me, even when I was pretty distant off rip. It woulda been so easy for them to just let me sit there silently but they made sure I spoke some and by the end even with me barely knowing them I got to laugh and talk shit with em. It was nice :)

Now with me being there pretty late, I just went to the room under the impression I'd just be crashing. But my mom dipped for some part of the event she came there for and left me with my 7 y/o sister and I think her... cousin? Idfk. Long story short, soon as I got there I was babysitting these kids. I didn't think nothing of it as I am pretty lenient on that sort of shit. Aka, I'm only there to make sure they aren't seriously hurt and not do anything that'll get them in big big trouble. Younger kids yeah, I know I gotta be more hands on as they wouldn't know how to feed themselves, clean up, use the bathroom ya know shit like that. But past that age, I see no real reason to breathe down their necks.

Tho... these kids bruh. I damn near cried out of frustration. They were so loud which I woulda ignored honestly but my mom was telling me how strict this hotel was about noise complaints when large groups/events booked a specific hotel. Like they whole ass had to sign an agreement to not be loud or they'd more than likely just get kicked out. Course, the form said they'd just plain kick em out but I'm sure they wouldn't be that that harsh. Nonetheless, minimal wiggle room as far as noise. So I let them play and shit but I had to quiet them down again and again cause they'd either ignore me or quiet down for two seconds and go back to it

It was a good 3-4 hours of me tryna keep them quiet til my mom came back which made them go to sleep soon after. Then she came back and went to sleep and I just.. broke down. I couldn't stop crying. I was so done and I just wanted to be alone by that point. My mom's a light light sleeper so I accidentally sobbed to hard and woke her up a fee diff times with her luckily being half sleep and not realizing what was happening. It was kinda bad tbr I wss first crying about watched the kids but then I was just spiraling and spiraling until I eventually cried myself to sleep around 5amish. Tho at 6 my mom quite literally shook me awake. To plug in her phone.

The rest of the trip was more of the same honestly. Watching the kids, reprimanding them for one thing or another, crying about it, calming down late into the night and passing out for a bit before being woken up for one thing or another. I wish I didn't even go honestly. I left the hotel twice the entire 3 days I was there. Once to take a walk as im not allowed to when I'm home and I wanted to calm down without taking pills, only to have the kids flung on me anyway lmao. The other was to get breakfast as the kids wouldn't wake up for the free hotel breakfast so we had to go somewhere to get em food. So we went to the McDonald's drive thru. Sooo honestly neither time I really left the hotel.

I thought maybe the last day would be cool as the event and everything was over and the cousin went back with her parents. I woke up late ish as I took dph the night before and I didn't feel like getting up. Thought nothing of it. Only for my mom to inform me that the person she thought would be taking me early Monday morning never came so I would not only be leaving today, I had about an hour to pack up and leave. Which included showering, getting my sister ready and fed, and getting ready cause the people driving me were gonna make a stop that required me to get out the car as well.

I couldn't even hide my anger lmao. That was about 3 days ago now and I am just now answering her calls again. I felt so used and stupid

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Next big thing that's happened is my bsf's relationship officially being over

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(R's breakup)

As I've mentioned before, R and her girlfriend have been on a break for a few weeks. I was under the impression they weren't speaking at all during this all and for the most part, they weren't. She was online playing games making it clear she was purposely ignoring R when she was tryna fix shit a few different times so I thought that was the sign right there. But my bsf recently opened up more on that shit and started talking about how she's changed into someone else lately, being super distant and the few times she'll talk to her she's being mean and yelling about one thing or another

Ah.. there was this one night about a week ago where she was really going through it, coming to terms with everything. She was just saying hoe while she said she'd be there for anything she wasn't her *insert partner name* uh prolly should've made a fake one long before but whatever. Anyway she was crying about it cause ehe felt like her partner changed so much and while she was still in love and still planned on doing everything she said she would, she wouldn't fight for her to do the same for her. It broke my heart just hearing it all. All the nights I've had to console a crying, stoic and at times intoxicated R she still would do it again if it meant going back to how they were. It genuinely made me hate her partner. I hated having to watch her suffer for someone that clearly wouldn't do the same for her

But it all came to a head yesterday. Me and R don't talk like we did before as she's usually busy during the day and I'm off doing my own shit as well. We mostly text lateish at night as the absolute latest she's ever working is 11 and I usually don't sleep til around 2ish so I'm usually free around then as well. But yesterday, we were talking around afternoonish. Initially it was just us checking in with each other but then we started talking shit and sending memes and junk. It went on for a good 30 mins of damn near instant replies as we were both focused on it until after a while R just stopped replying. I wasn't thinking nothing of it I sent a sc from this sudoku tournament I was in and I said something about some song a little while later. Kinda tryna get her attention again without making it seem dire or urgent.

She responded about the song shit like an hour or two later and I aint think nothing of it. The after she said that she dropped the bombshell. Her partner broke up with her. I tried my best to not treat her differently out of pity even though I was sad for her cause I know hearing that shit can make it sting 10x worse. I took it all in and cracked a joke here and there where I could but she dipped shortly after she explained everything

What boggled my mind was that I was just checking R's accs out of curiosity wondering of they had officially broken up and at the time her partner already unfriended her on a few platforms but R still kept traces of her nearly everywhere. Then less than 24 hours later, they're done. Shit was weird. The only real mention of her now is her disc as she left her name as the nickname her partner gave her but tbh I think R likes bunnies anyway so that could be unrelated

We have spoken once today as I accidentally called her when I was half sleep tryna call my mom. I usually don't call anyone but her so I called her out of habit before being like oh wait and hanging up. She had her phone off so it didn't really matter but she texted back just telling me not to apologize and that she understood and stuff. Then she's went back to being silent.

Her disc isn't offline for the first time in forever but it's in do not disturb so it ain't much better. Specially since she ain't signed in on her phone so she's really just ignoring anyone reacting out on there. Though she also could be on vc with her partner and not wanting to be interrupted too so not 100%

In addition to that she unfriended nearly everyone on her insta which is honestly expected. The only one she didn't unfriend is an unactive acc of an old friend. That's a long story but essentially, everyone including me and her partner

I'm not too worried for now. I know it'll be a few days of mostly silence and her ignoring everyone but she did text earlier today and I know she's online at the very least so I'm okay. I'm gonna try to aim for at least getting one response a day from her just to make sure she's alive and shit but aside from that I know she wants space for now and I'll give it to her for now.

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And finally there's smaller news about me

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(My health and stuff)

I've kinda tapered off again. Ish. The trip prevented me from taking all that much for a few days and me coming down from that 1.5 and the 850 made me not too fussy on that. I go a lot longer without dph and I haven't been taking much anymore. I only brought a little less than a gram for the trip so I had to ration it out pretty carefully so I'd have enough to keep me from withdrawing while not taking enough to make me too visibly high. I think I took 250 the trip on there, 450 the second night when I was watching my sister, then 200-300ish the trip back cause I started getting too angry and was crying. Luckily for me the blaring country music the people I was riding with this time covered the noises from that and they were not as keen to get me involved with their conversations but nonetheless I knew I would only get away with it for so long before they started asking questions so I popped the rest of my pills and went to sleep.

Now that I've been back I took 350 the first night I was back and took another 300 yesterday night. I didn't really want to take the 300 but I've noticed there's some days where my heart will feel tight and'll hurt when it's been a while without. Sometimes it's not too bad and ill just ignore and sometimes it's really noticeable and painful to the point I don't care if I want it or not I'll take some just to stop feeling it. I was originally only taking 200 but it still hurt so I just took 50 more every like 30ish mins til it stop hurting

I've been crying a bit less nowadays as well. Which is kinda weird as now I just have the temptation to alot more.. mind is weird ig 🥴

Had a few other issues of varying seriousness

At some point the day before I went on the trip I cut my hand pretty bad tho I forgot about it... then rubbed multiple more than likely not clean dogs with the same hand. Ah snd this ofc was not before I accidentally spilt a baking soda lemon juice in the cut earlier that day. Smh. The cut was so sore and actually the day I got back it hurt to handle anything that required anymore than gentle ass gripping. I was scared to tell anyone in fear of them trying to take me to urgent care over it as I know we can't really afford that shit rn so I toughed it out. It's not too noticeable now so it's probably nothing but those first few days were scary.

It kinda hurts to hold in my pee at times as I hold it for so long I'll forget I'm holding til it hurts to walk. Ive been tryna be better about that as R scolds me all the time and stresses how bad it is for me but I occasionally forget and do it anyway and it ain't fun to say the least. Plus it kinda spooks me to see at times ngl. That period where I was yellow yellow my piss was chronically dark but now it is dark at times but I do more as far as hydration so it ain't nearly as bad. Still like uts weird going from being slightly dehydrated before to now being so dehydrated I'd probably have an iv slapped on me if I went to a doctor. I've also had to be a log better about exfoliation as my dry ass skin will clog my skin in a heartbeat if I dont

Aside from that it's been more of the same. I mostly eat once a day with it usually being cereal or malt o meal as they're quick and easy and comforting for whatever reason. My stomach hurts at times but not much of the burny feeling I used to have a lot. I've been pretty isolated from my family nowadays, even the sister I was covering for a little while ago. I'll talk to them if they happen to be around while I go up there but for the most part I stay quiet in my room and try to avoid going upstairs when I can hear one of them around. I try to talk as minimally as possible with the only real exception to that being with R and wuth me being pretty quiet otp with her as well, she's only partially excluded at that

I remember I used to speak so little that it'd make my throat sore to speak for anymore than a few minutes. It's kinda on and off issue of mine and its kinda exacerbated with any sort of projection/yelling so I did have slight issue with that as well. It's mostly gone away now as I've gone back to no more than like 15 mins of using my voice in a day so that's alr

Uhhh but on that note I think I'm about done. I took another 250 in the middle of writing this as my heart felt eeird again and I wanted to stop that before that got annoying and my tolerance has made that nearly nonexistent feeling. More than likely finna make some malt o meal and take some more. And play the sims.. or download more stuff. I've been hyperfixated on that for the past few weeks smh. Possibly'll post a few on here but more than likely not. For one feels a little inappropriate for the blog and two I dunno if anyone really cares to see that 💀💀💀

Ya know like.. course they're my sims so I don't really need to post them for me. But I dunno. Strong maybe

[tendousthoughts]

Thanking the heavens I’m only here for a few more days because not only did I find ANOTHER GODDAMN HOUSE CENTIPEDE I found a lot baby centipedes

Just a centipede update but uh sorry I haven’t checked in in a while I’ve been busy going everywhere and anywhere

As much as I love traveling sometimes I just wanna lie in my room and do nothing all day

Not only did I get my period early and that in itself is horrible, the cramps are worse than ever and more frequent than ever so pills are my lifesavers even though I usually don’t like taking them (idfk why I just don’t. Like they don’t taste like anything, they’re not hard to swallow I just don’t like them)

However I have noticed my mental health has improved significantly since I went on vacation.

I’ve had noticed before a lot symptoms of ADHD but I want to go to a therapist first to get it diagnosed or get something else diagnosed maybe. I think it’s definitely something I just don’t know what and ADHD so far fit the best so…

Enough with gloomy talk

I’ve seen one of my favorite cousins not too long ago and before that haven’t seen her IN YEARS and so was pretty exited to talk to her but turns out we don’t have that many things in common anymore and it was pretty awkward at times but we still had fun chatting and catching up. As boring of subject it seems it was actually pretty interesting to talk about the differences in our educational systems we’ve experienced. But also it’s a given that some tea was also spilled while we also overheard some at a family gathering and Let. Me. Tell. You it was JUICY

Also she has an adorable dog and I love him

Do you have any pets? I don’t know if I mentioned it before I have a horrible memory but I have a dog named Toby and he’s a fluff ball

I have a funny story related to him actually and my stupidity

I was going to walk my precious fluff ball and went outside with the leash

And forgot the fucking dog

I WENT TO WALK THE DOG WITHOUT THE DOG

The best part? It happened multiple times

So yes, I’m smart academically but not logically at all

In school I’m a straight A student but in life I can’t even walk straight without walking into a wall and claiming it’s a secret passageway because “one rock sticks out so it must be a button”

(Small anecdote from my childhood but funny nonetheless)

This ask is getting quite long so I’m gonna end it here

- 🍍 anon

HELP- 🍍 anon idk if ur gonna see this or even remember sending me this but

Centipedes <<<<< Conan Gray 😔

Im so glad that your mental health has improved, please tell me how you are doing I miss talking to u :((((

Luv hopefully you did go get diagnosed, and found out what was up fr fr <3333 best of luck tell me how that went if you see this okay?

I DO: I have a cat and two dogs they are the sweetest things ever. But yes we love straight A students who forget their doggg djkhfdfjs