#honestly i'm genuinely scared what i would do in case of the worst of the worst happening to me (don't really wanna use the r word)

[chaoticgoodcaptain]

finding out about malta's abortion laws while being in the middle of the erasmus acceptance process sure is a lot like "new fear unlocked"

[doylldonmagar]

So I saw @hermesmyplatonicbeloved 's post and had some thoughts. I agree and disagree. I am a percabeth fan but I also know that some of it is screwy, and if you are familiar with my blog, you know this. I think RR screwed up and wrote out a LOT of trauma, I think he really should have dealt with that better. I think it's not good that he wrote trauma and mental issues and abuse into the foundation of many characters and then has ignored it when it became convenient for the plot.

I would love to see specific quotes and books for these because some of them I have no memory of and would like to revisit them.

I'm gonna talk my way through all of this so I'm gonna text break here

The first point is Percy scaring her to tears. I can only imagine in Tartarus? Like when they're both in their worst state? I don't know. I agree they should have talked about it, but I think they should have talked about all of HoH, which brings me back to saying: Rick really failed at dealing with trauma and processing and long term effects. Honestly, being scared *of* him, yeah I agree that's bad, but is that the situation? If she's scared by his power, then I'm not sure of where I stand on this, I don't know anyone with demigod powers, but I don't think I'd be scared simply because I know someone is capable of hurting me. Plenty of people are capable of hurting me. Like I don't know, what situation is this?

"Percy has been suicidal the whole time annabeth has known him, in BoO Percy attempts suicide and annabeth said nothing, noticed nothing" I'd really like a page or quote because i remember him being suicidal but never attempting. (Im rereading what i wrote, is this maybe referring to percy deciding it would be better if he drowned when hes with Jason? If so, I thought the book said annabeth wasn't told that he wanted to give up) But really my bigger issue with this statement is the fact that it's not necessarily a bad relationship just because a person doesn't realize someone is suicidal, or if their suicidal thoughts are fluctuating. If he's been suicidal the entire time she's known him, how should she know? And why is it the girlfriend's job to stop him from suicide? Like yeah she should care, but that's not her responsibility. No one should feel responsible for a significant other's suicide unless they encouraged the SO to do it.

The judo flip, I agree, annabeth should have been more sensitive to Percy's past and again, I blame Rick for conveniently forgetting that an abused kid is not going to laugh or even take well to being thrown on the ground. This also reminds me of a post I made a while back, because I was so frustrated by media portrayals of women getting upset (usually worried) about another character and shaking them or hitting them or using some form of violence, and that's portrayed as acceptable and normal and as a sign of love. I'm not a fan of that.

"Annabeth likes to keep percy on his toes" this point, I want specific quotes, cause I'd like to go over it again. I agree this is funky. Percy says he feels more comfortable with annabeth and feels like he can talk to her blah blah, but yeah, I think I remember him saying she makes him anxious and that's a problem for me. Like genuinely, to anyone who reads this: if your SO makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, or unsafe, please reevaluate your relationship and be safe. That's not good. And back to percabeth, I'm really not sure why RR would say that.

Bringing up abusive stepfather. If annabeth didn't already know about Gabe...I don't know, that says to me that percy was too traumatized to talk about it, in which case, why can annabeth see it in his actions, his comments, his reactions? I don't know that either. But I do know that having met my fair share of traumatized kids, it's not at all uncommon for them to share trauma as a joke and for multiple kids to laugh it off, not to mention suicidal jokes or jokes about their own abuse. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying that's healthy, I think that's bad, but I also think it's common. And if annabeth doesn't realize what he's really talking about, or is caught up in her own experience, or is uncomfortable, laughing is not an uncommon response. And I don't think that makes their relationship toxic. (And I'm saying it again: I think Rick wrote that so that people could say oh poor percy and feel strongly about how horrible the situation is, but he didn't want to get into the trauma, so by annabeth laughing it off, he can move on with the scene but include little details that show how bad tartarus is)

I don't remember any comments about poseiden, but I agree her interactions with Tyson are problematic. I have zero explanation or excuse, I really don't know what rick was thinking with that, unless it was maybe a way to signify how all halfbloods feel about monsters? (Now that I've said that, that kinda makes sense, if percy sees a monster who was his human friend, but everyone else just sees a monster who is just like the other monsters who have killed their siblings. But still. Annabeth saying he was gross was uncalled for, Rick could have said she was scared or concerned this was a trick or something, but disgust?)

I agree about Percy's unresolved trauma manifesting as fear of annabeth. I already commented on the judo flip, see comments above.

Percy absolutely has horrible self asteem. I'm not sure that's annabeths problem. Yeah she should support him in every way she can, but it's not her responsibility or anyone else's to make him feel better about himself. She should want to, and she should be positive and encouraging, but I don't think Percy's lack of growth is her problem or necessarily a sign of a toxic relationship. It can be, but I'm not certain it is in this case. I think, as I'm sure you know if you've read this much, Rick doesn't know how to write characters who are further along in their trauma- processing, healing, discussing- rick fails to deal with anything besides a currently traumatized kid and a unresolved but out of the directly abusive situation. (This is where I'd like to note, the whole seaweed brain thing, not funny to me, not cute. I'm not a fan because I do think that encourages negative self image. I am aware that that could be link to annabeths childhood, but again, I would expect her to be hyperaware of this sort of emotional abuse. And I blame Rick. Why does she never have her actual abuse mentioned?)

I don't recall annabeth pushing percy to choose between them. I would have said she had doubts about him still wanting to go to CA and he said that he regretted not being there for Estelle but didn't want to be without annabeth (which is kinda cute, kinda codependent to me, and I agree, codependency is not cute)

I would argue the last point "Percy has no interest in going to New Rome or University" is clearly false. In SoN (2nd book of HOO) Percy discovers there are full families living in New Rome, and how it's safe there, and he says multiple times that he wants that, how he remembers he had a girlfriend named annabeth and he wants her to be there and wants to be able to settle down *there*. And in ChaliceotG he's torn, because he does want to stay in New York for his mom and sister, but he really wants to be with annabeth and he loves new Rome. He says multiple times how he wants to go to New Rome. Its true, if the only reason he wants to go is for annabeth, that's a bit funky. But new Rome is the safest place for demigods, and he's been in wars for years, of course he wants that. And wanting to be out of school- okay? New Rome isn't just about the university, not to mention the New Rome university is focused on kids with dyslexia and adhd, obviously. So it will be tailored to him, his struggles are understood, accepted, and aided. Who wouldn't see the appeal in that?

And finally, I agree, that if a character or couple is going to have broad reach, they should be healthy. That's a problem i have with Colleen hoover and all her toxic relationships that have a large audience and are so loved by that audience. And back to this, I hate that the pjo hoo couples are so focused on in the books because fans always pay attention to the couples, but the focus amplifies them, and I think having a relationship be the main focus of a kids/teen/ya book sets up horrible mindsets, and idolizes relationships and all in all is not good for kids. Percabeth or not, healthy or not, I don't think the emphasis on relationships is good.

I might link some of my other posts that I mentioned or that address similar issues in the reblogs

[transmascissues]

i totally understand why some people have read my posts about my recovery experience and been a bit freaked out by it if they haven't gotten top surgery themselves yet, and i also totally understand other people who have had top surgery wanting to reassure those people so they don't get scared out of having top surgery.

what i don't love is when, in an attempt to be reassuring, other people who have had top surgery say "well, my experience was much easier than this and yours might be too. don't be scared of having this kind of recovery, because you might not!"

if you had a super smooth top surgery recovery, i'm so happy for you and i'll be the first to admit that i envy you. i'm genuinely glad you got lucky! but i also know that, when i was preparing for top surgery, i wanted to know how to prepare for if i did have a rougher time and need more support, because being pleasantly surprised by a better time than you expected is much easier than being unpleasantly surprised by difficulties no one prepared you for. trying to find out how to prepare and being met with varying degrees of "don't worry, that didn't happen to me" was infuriating. the chorus of "that didn't happen to me" didn't do anything for me when one day post-op it took three people to figure out how to lift me into a sitting position without hurting me, and i never want anyone to find themselves in a situation like that totally unprepared. i worked really hard to get ready because i'm disabled and knew my body never has a chill reaction to anything, and i want other people to be able to prepare themselves too, whether they have a specific reason to or not.

not to mention, nothing in my experiences so far has been some worst case scenario that you should pray never happens to you. none of the things i've described in my posts have been complications; it's all just natural parts of recovering. every single time my surgeon has seen me, she's assured my that i'm healing perfectly so far. so yeah, things have been rough, but this isn't a horror story that i'm telling. it's not a warning or a cautionary tale. it's all totally normal and expected, even if it is more intense than some people's experiences. it just doesn't feel great to have my experience treated as something awful when it's all just part of the process.

the confidence that comes with knowing what could happen and feeling ready to face it is such a powerful thing, and i want people to be able to have that going into their surgery. i want them to be able to trust in their knowledge of what could happen and feel equipped to handle whatever comes their way. i want them to know that it'll be worth it in the end, even if it's hard for a while. i want them to know that top surgery is a wonderful thing and is worth doing, even if it's a rough experience, and that they can have a hard time and still come out the other side thrilled with the outcome. i want them to be able to look that fear in the face and say "yeah, maybe it'll suck for a few weeks, but then i'll be so much happier for the entire rest of my life, so fuck it, let's do it."

if i've learned anything over the past week, it's that top surgery is scary but it's also so worth it. if it would make your life better, go for it. i promise, the fear will be worth it. and honestly? a lot of the scary shit isn't nearly as scary once you've experienced it and learned how to work with it.

[witchofthemidlands]

i know, i know realistically that because tales of the tardis is making it's return that “the one who waits” or whatever “the big bad” is that shall be giving the doctor & UNIT grief in the finale will probably be that villain from the pyramid serial that was, in fact, the first proper classic who serial i ever saw because it was on the sarah jane adventures dvd but up until the new tales of the tardis instalment was announced, i was so deep in the theory that this is all leading up to the trickster's greatest comeback of all time: ruby is an element of the pantheon & seeing as i've clowned too close to the sun i'm unleashing the insanity that's been occurring in my brain since “the devil's chord”

so basically the doctor said 8 words about maestro & i haven't been sane since.

“that thing must be part of the pantheon”

that was it for me then, i was CONVINCED that this might be leading up to have something to do with the trickster because in “the wedding of sarah jane smith” the doctor & the trickster/the pantheon talk about how they heard about one another through legend:

& from the spreading of the salt this era of doctor who has been all about myths & legends breaking their way through into the universe & the first half of the finale is titled “the legend of ruby sunday”

THEN maestro attacked ruby & the music played from within ruby is VERY similar to the score played in “whatever happened to sarah jane smith” when sarah jane was giving maria the puzzle box which protected her (& then later alan) from the trickster's power & this was the first time the trickster ever came into the whonivese & whilst i thought i was reaching here, i was CLEARLY not the only one who thought that the score progression sounded similar.

https://youtu.be/ARVTQ91P5RE?si=_TD41qhQ_PbQ-8kp

after “the devil's chord” i didn't want to say anything because i thought i was going to sound absolutely crackers but it was simmering, the thoughts that whatever ruby is COULD be connected to the trickster or the pantheon. honestly even if it turns out to be nothing to do with the trickster themself but just another element of the pantheon that's at play & what everything is leading up to, i'd consider that a win.

the full downward spiral into madness began after i witnessed the horror that was “73 yards” which both scared me for life & after like no doctor who episode has done in a VERY long time because not only was i actually scared of ruby sunday & was thinking WHAT IS THIS BEING but it also unleashed this:

deep down, my rational brain KNOWS it's not what my unhinged brain thought it were but in fact what it literally was which was a story filled with elements of welsh folklore BUT my brain said:

to my brain, “73 yards” reminded me of the doctor in “turn left” saying:

and whilst i was in my post 73 yards state of horror/being genuinely afraid of what ruby was there's was two options my brain was throwing out:

1) ruby could be one of the pantheon/the trickster’s brigade she's one of the changelings like the time beetle because life WAS changed in tiny little ways & this was literally probably one of ruby's worst case scenario: that everyone would leave & she'd be alone all her life & her fears manifested in her potential trickster/changeling power & made a whole new reality for her that she enabled herself to stop. it was all just her & the extent of her powers which could be used for very bad.

2) and this is the one that i latched onto like a person deranged:

ruby is a creation of the trickster, the trickster is “the one who waits” because the trickster has been “waiting” for a way to break into the universe & then i just went wild with this theory of mine because of the sarah jane adventures.

in the (devastating) final season of the sarah jane adventures, sky smith was left on the doorstep of sarah jane's house when she was a baby, similarly to how ruby is left on the threshold of the church on ruby road. now that's a reach, yes but HAD the sarah jane adventures series 5 finished the way it was intended to be finished, sky smith would have turned out to be the trickster's child in an finale called “the battle of bannerman road” & her trickster powers would have been awakened by the trickster. sarah jane would apparently have been considering this to be true because she'd gotten jo jones to research “trickster myths” sky would have returned to herself but would have evolved into an entity that would banish the trickster from reality & guard him in a prison forever:

The Battle of Bannerman Road (unproduced TV story) | Tardis | Fandom

honestly i started to imagine that a similar situation could happen with ruby because this story was ultimately never made & whilst i am probably clowning to the highest degree here, i thought about jo & clyde's segment of “tales of the tardis” & how clyde's story is left open ended as if it could possibly be continued & what better way to continue clyde & rani's story then to bring them back during a potential battle with the trickster? there is also the fact that the other unnamed episodes of the sarah jane adventures WERE actually made into stories for a fantastic show called “wizards vs aliens” specifically, “the thirteenth floor”

so perhaps rtd could be using the bare bones of “the battle of bannerman road” for the conclusion to the mystery of ruby sunday.

as i said, i went rather deranged with this one & it's probably going to be the greatest comeback for sutekh, who will probably turn out to be “the one who waits” possibly the head of the pantheon & the creator of ruby but my brain has decided to throw one more twist:

✨sutekh x the trickster✨

i'm kinda glad that this will all be over soon so i can be proved wrong & can enjoy a peaceful state of mind again, finally set free from my trickster theory 😅

[gay-dorito-dust]

Can you maybe do reader getting her ears pierced and Xavier being there for support. (I just had mine done and yes maybe I'm to big to being crying over it but it hurts😭)

A/n: let me tell ya, I was scare shitless getting mine done too. Funny story though I had my ears pierced the same week I had to go swimming with my primary school.(which was every Tuesday afternoon)Needless to say I couldn’t go swimming for while until my piercings had healed and settled.

Also yes I’m making Ajax have snakebites also this was kinda meh and rushed.

“You’ll be fine y/n, after all it’s just a little pinprick.”

“Just a little pinprick? Xavier, my earlobes are going to be stabbed by a needle! No numbing cream, no nothing, just straight up raw earlobe stabbing.” You told Xavier as you sat nervously in the chair whilst the woman who’d be piercing your ears was collecting the necessary materials for the procedure; You’ve wanted your ears pierced for awhile now but after reading up on scenarios where something went wrong as you were in the midst of preparing yourself for your up coming appointment; your desire for getting your ears done quickly turned sour in your mouth.

Xavier sees that you were genuinely second guessing your decision and reaches out to hold your hand tightly within his. “It’s going to be okay baby, Your in safe and professional hands, they know what they’re doing and besides,” he leant towards you as though he’s sharing a secret, just between the two of you, “i think your very brave for getting them done.” He says as he leans back against the chair humbly provided for him. “Really?” You asked, still a little unsure of yourself. “Oh yeah! I don’t think I could get my ears pierced or, god forbid, get tattoos.”

You giggled at his over exaggerate attempts of cheering you up because it was defiantly working to some extent. You were grateful that Xavier decided to tag along because if he hadn’t, you would’ve for certain bolted out of the room and straight back to Nevermore with your tail between your legs. Having Xavier with you, sacrificing his hand as your temporary stress toy whenever you got short glimpses of the needle that would be prodding holes into your ear lobes.

You honestly didn’t know how you got through life at this point without Xavier being there to calm your overreactive mind and sooth your worries with his logic and reassurance; Yet sometimes you can’t feel as though you let him down for being the way that you were, even after he tells you otherwise. You still get that feeling within your chest that one day he’d grow annoyed of having to console you about everything and tell you to grow and deal with it like everybody else; However you knew this to not be true as it wasn’t in his character but that didn’t mean you feared for the nearby future when you wouldn’t have Xavier by your side. As for now you chose to appreciate and love him whist you still had him in your life, by your side to do so.

After your laughter subsided you gripped Xavier’s hand, smiling softly at him. “Thank you for coming here with me Xav, I honestly don’t think I would’ve made it past that doorway if it weren’t for you.” The long haired boy only huffed playfully as he leaned into once again, though this time it was to press a kiss to your forehead. “Don’t sell yourself short, sweet cakes for your a lot stronger then you believe yourself to be.” He utters into your hairline before pulling away. “I mean you haven’t bolted out of that door yet. So that’s an good thing!”

Just as he says that, the woman doing your piercings came back to the room with a selection of jewelled ear accessories ranging from small studs to ear stretchers alongside the needle and some materials to sterilise it so that you wouldn’t get infections or any other complications. The nervousness came back with a vengeance as the worst case scenarios came flooding back to the forefront of your mind as your breathing bang to pick up erratically; your grip on Xavier’s hand only increased in grip as your chair was pulled out flat as a board and you were instructed to lay down and to get yourself comfortable but with your body being bombarded with internalised panic, your movements became rigid and stiff that it too you longer then it probably should’ve to lay yourself down.

“First time?” The kind woman asked, flashing you a smile as they began to set up. “Yeah. Is it that obvious?” You responded, still a little rigid with fright. “Your not the first person who’s came in here for an piercing. I remember there was a Gorgon kid who came in here the other week asking for snakebites.” You and Xavier shared a look of mutual confusion. “The Gorgon’s name wouldn’t happen to be Ajax Petropolus by any chance?” Xavier asked as he gave your hand another reassuring squeeze. The woman looked over at him with raised brows, “yeah, how did you know him?”

Xavier shrugs, “he’s a friend of mine. After he got his snakebites he had nothing but high praise for your professionalism, which is why we’re here today.” The woman only smiled at the compliment, “that’s how I keep my business running,” she say before turning back to you. “You ready champ?” You breathed a heavy sigh before looking over at Xavier who only smiled at you encouragingly, lifting up your intertwined hands to show that he was still here for moral support. You looked back at the her as she patiently awaited your answer that you replied with confidently, “I’m ready.”

[theintrovertbean]

My statement about the drama

Hello!

This post will be about the whole Rai drama that they orchestrated against @asrabounding. But first, I would kindly ask anyone who hasn't read the post by @iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia, aka brainrot, to do so. It can be quite triggering, so please, be mindful of that and make sure to put yourself first. The same warning applies to my own post.

First, I want to apologize. I did bad stuff, and I've been doing my best to mend my mistakes. I'm very sorry about the things I've done, but especially about the things I could have prevented. My friends got hurt because of something I was a part of and could have avoided if I wasn't scared to stand up for others and myself.

This is going to be a long post. Sorry about that too, but this whole drama was simply a lot.

Brainrot's part perfectly sums up what happened, but since I was there from the beginning of the drama, it would be fair to add some things from my own POV. It isn't nearly as professional as brainrot's statement, and it's more about my personal experience, which I think shows how this drama affected the well-being of the people involved. Again, this is my experience, but we all share the feelings.

The first time I posted from this account on Tumblr was in July 2022, and Rai reached out to me on November 1. Apparently, I was too intimidating, but as it turns out, Rai just needed me (and other people) for their plans. They specifically wanted to involve mainly Nadia fans, so it was only a matter of time before they messaged me.

Why Nadia fans, you might ask? Well, we could sit here all night and take guesses because no one knows for certain. Rai only pretended to like Nadia (because wanting to kill her is enough proof that they didn't like her), so their reason must have been something psychological. But again, we can't know for certain. Sadly, their actions put us Nadia fans in a bad light, and their friendship was never genuine.

I have a guess that Rai had been stalking a few bigger creators for a while and just waiting for one of them to make a mistake. Asrabounding (AB from now on) happened to be the unlucky one.

Honestly, I didn't know AB at all. We never interacted, and the first time I ever heard about him was through Rai. At the beginning of December 2022, Rai told our server about AB and how he and his girlfriend were harassing their "boi," Panda, who was completely incapable of taking care of himself, at least according to Rai.

I spoke to Panda a few times during the drama; he is nothing like Rai described, which You can tell by the screenshots as well. He is overly friendly and tends to overshare, and I would say he is pure evil, but that adjective would be far too generous in his case. I also have to add that there is no evidence of Rai and Panda being two different people. I've looked through my DMs, and a few servers that Rai is/was in and found zero traces of them ever having a conversation. I also asked around, and no one has ever seen these two interact with each other. Once, we even asked Rai to invite Panda to their server because we all wanted to get to know him, but they immediately refused, saying he is too soft and all kinds of weird things to say about one's partner. I suppose it would be hard to text from two accounts simultaneously.

The private server that Rai created was made in November, around the time when the drama began. It's crucial to mention that none of us knew AB. This allowed Rai to portray AB however they wanted.

There are screenshots in the pdf from the DMs between Rai and me. They told me quite a few things but purposefully left out important details. The screenshots Rai sent me were always sent in a way that would make AB seem like the worst person to ever exist. I (and the server) also received altered versions of AB's art, which were edited in a way to make it seem like AB was making Asra whiter or orange. Additionally, Rai maliciously gathered personal information about AB and his loved ones, which is both legally and morally wrong.

The call-out blog happened and didn't gain much attention, which was quite disappointing to Rai, but failure didn't stop them. They recruited more people for the sole purpose of hurting AB. We retreated to Rai's server until the previous drama, where Rai popped up every once in a while to stir up our anger and disturb our conversations.

Then we arrive at the latest drama. Rai's efforts paid off. One of our friends did a call-out post, and things went crazy. I don't have to describe what happened because it's in brainrot's statement, but there is one thing that I really want to highlight. Rai did nothing. Everything we did was because of them and their "boi," and they just watched us all get burned.

At some point, brainrot presented us with an opportunity to make peace with AB. Two of us even volunteered to talk to him, myself included. Rai didn't even react while everyone else was looking forward to ending the drama. Actually, Rai was unusually quiet. They gave us an excuse for being less active and just left us to deal with their mess.

When brainrot left, I almost immediately reached out to him for two reasons. 1. He is my friend. I was concerned about his well-being and wanted to make sure he was alright. 2. I was physically and mentally sick of the drama and considered leaving the server myself. There were days when I could barely function because of the anxiety I felt. I was a mess. Everyone was, but never Rai. I felt like I was in the middle of a battlefield, watching my friends get slaughtered while the person behind it all, Rai, was having the time of their life far away in a luxury tent. I desperately wanted to end that.

On multiple occasions, I muted the server for hours and sometimes even days because I could not deal with Rai. There was a clear hierarchy, and Rai would constantly try to compete with us and bring us down. Everyone else was behaving like normal human beings, and then Rai would randomly show up to pollute the air with their "hee hoos" and disturbing stories they claimed were true.

The same person who said they were gathering courage for months to text me never showed any care, remorse, or fear during our nine months of "friendship." Also, the very same person would go around texting random people on Tumblr, checking how intelligent and "mentally stimulating" (they said that, not me) they are, and trying to figure out if they hate Dorian and/or Asrabounding. They were also looking for people in a more vulnerable position, such as those who were new to the fandom and/or lonely. When everything on the list was ticked off, Rai invited them to their server. For privacy reasons, I'm not going to say an exact number, but about ten of us were "recruited."

Brainrot and I talked a bit, we both vented, and we eventually reached the point where I said that I would talk to AB just to end this madness. And so I did with brainrot's help, even though it horrified me, but I knew I had to do it for others. I expected AB to be just as Rai presented him to us, but he wasn't. The AB I was talking to was kind, understanding, cooperative, and tired of everything that had been going on. It often made me wish I met AB sooner than Rai. Our conversations with AB were and still are civil and friendly, and I am nothing but thankful to him. We compared our notes, then brainrot and I went back to DMs for a while to discuss everything.

We realized that 1. Everything Rai said about AB was a lie, and Rai just wanted to hurt him. 2. Rai lied to us and used several manipulation tactics on us. 3. Our friends were unsafe.

To include a lie, once, Rai texted me to ask if I wanted to know their legal name. They told me that they were named after a character from an anime. Later, I found from a friend that Rai told her their name too. It was from the same anime but a different character's name. This was just one example.

So we made a plan, and we had to act fast. I quickly gathered a few screenshots from the server that we could use, then we texted everyone involved about the news. Thank gayness, everything instantly clicked for the vast majority of our friends. It was tough, exhausting, and very emotional. Being betrayed by someone we considered a friend was no joke. Honestly, have never felt so much anxiety in my life. It was suffocating.

Then, three of us deleted every channel in Rai's server (every member had maximum permissions). In the meantime, we made a server of our own, a safe place where we could heal together, continue our friendship, and discuss what we were going to do next.

And that's how we got to brainrot's post. I created a document and put in whatever screenshots I had from Rai's server and my DMs. Then I asked everyone to send me all the screenshots they wanted us to include, and I put those in too. That pdf is the fruit of multiple days of work and immeasurable disgust. Even putting it together almost made me throw up more than once. It was available to everyone involved (our friends and AB as well) from start to finish. They were all free to make edits, give suggestions, and add screenshots if they wanted. AB added the anons he received and a bunch of other screenshots. Brainrot wrote his statement, and I did the group's, which is one of the reasons I didn't want to make another one. In the meantime, we found out more about Rai, and it was not pretty; the screenshots prove it all.

This wasn't the first time Rai tried to take someone down, and they bragged about it multiple times. They were also quite proud of how they were able to manipulate people. I mean, just look at what they said about how they got together with their "boi." We know of two people in the fandom who were hurt by Rai. From what I know, unlike AB, they weren't content creators. My assumption is that doing the same thing over again wasn't giving Rai the same thrill anymore, so they wanted to target someone bigger. Bigger drama = more pleasure for Rai.

There was one person who got kicked from the server because they didn't hate Lucio. Rai provoked them to make them act out of character, which resulted in a kick and ban. There were others that Rai wanted to kick out but didn't because they were still needed for the drama.

The things Rai sometimes said about characters and the people who like them were sickening. They constantly described Lucio as a mass murderer and a r*pist and harassed anyone who didn't agree with their opinions. Rai also headcanoned that Lucio SAd Nadia during their marriage. And a lot of other things...

We had to tiptoe around Rai all the time because being kicked out of the server wouldn't have been a big deal, but being separated from our friends against our will was not something any of us wanted. That small but loving community we created for ourselves (Rai excluded) was why we stayed on that server in the first place.

But also, we were scared. Whenever Rai was present, they turned us into an angry mob. I don't know when we started to feel this way, but we were uncomfortable and wanted out. However, when we looked at each other, the angry mob was all we could see. Even when an individual was in doubt, the others still put on their angry mask, and that one person felt alone. I often felt like that too, but we all knew what Rai was capable of. We were already hurting, and we didn't want to unleash the angry mob against us. If Rai were to come after any of us, they would most definitely twist everything in a way to make themselves seem like the victim(s).

Soon after the server was gone and I was no longer talking to Rai, I realized that the hate I once felt wasn't my own.

Once again, I'm sorry about what happened. We all are. I apologize for the hurt I caused to everyone and take full responsibility for my actions. I never intended for things to escalate things this far, and I regret everything I've done. The things we did were not done with a clear mind. If it wasn't for Rai and their mind games, none of us would have done anything like this.

And Azi, I'm especially sorry to you. Despite everything we've done, you treated us with kindness and worked together with us to make the fandom a safer place. You have no idea how much this means. I'm thankful for the chance of getting to know the real you.

I also apologize to my followers for bringing drama onto my blog. While I'm open to questions about what happened, I would like to get back to writing my silly little headcanons like I did before. I'm an open book, but simping for Nadia is why I made this blog in the first place. The good thing is that now I'm able to do the things I've always wanted without Rai constantly reminding me why this and that is so bad. And who knows, maybe you'll see me bring some Nadia content to a different platform as well...

Our friend group, I apologize to you as well because I didn't protect you when I could have. Things would have been different if I wasn't so scared.

Azi, Brainrot, and friends. Thank you for everything. Your support and cooperation helped all of us through these hard times, and I hope we can continue to heal together.

I don't expect forgiveness from anyone because what happened is truly horrible. While countless lies and manipulation were involved, a simple apology won't undo the harm we caused. We have been doing our best to make up for our mistakes and will continue to do so in the future as well. However, please, please be careful. Rai is still a threat, so if you see them anywhere, just run. Protect yourselves and, if you can, others as well. Please, stay safe and learn from our horrible mistakes.

-Eszter

[justali-anne]

My favourite interpretation of Sans that I've never actually seen much is the idea that... Okay, he's pretty much given up on most things, like stopping the resets, going back home etc. but there's that TINY part of him that's just like, "nah, you haven't given up yet, have you?" And he's trying so hard to bury that part of him or ignore it cuz it scares him or something. Like, he just wants to relax! Stop giving him anxiety, tiny bit of hope! Eventually he can't ignore it anymore and...

Well, it can go in two or three ways.

The best possible outcome is to rekindle and nurture what's left of Sans' hope. We just gotta draw it out somehow. This is where the Pacifist Route comes in. Either that or the Family neutral ending, where we spare and befriend everyone but we don't enter Alphys' lab. I guess that throughout the Pacifist Route, we do all that sparing and befriending jazz, and from a monster's perspective, it's purely inspirational, especially after a long history of hostility between the two races. Can you imagine the kind of effect our kindness could have on the almost hopeless? On someone like Sans, who firmly believes that he's given up on everything, but there's still that tiny part of him that wants to hold on, to continue? Sans' hope seems to be a fragile little thing that needs a lot of care in order to blossom. And with the Pacifist Route, we have the opportunity to do that.

Of course, there's also the option to destroy the little bit of hope Sans has left with some of the more gruesome Neutral Routes, especially ones where we kill Papyrus. Like the Leaderless ending, for instance. Here, Sans has fallen completely into despair. He's shown signs of bitterness and coldness, which isn't completely foreign to him, but it's heartbreaking for that to come from such a warm-hearted character. He's completely given up here. Brought to the absolute brink of despair from our actions.

Now, the Genocide Route is a... unique case. It's kind of a mixture of both? We put everyone through the wringer, causing as much pain as possible. We kill Sans' friends and the last remaining family he has. Surely he has fallen into despair. But then there's that funny thing he does where he fights us at the end, hoping that it would get us to go back and fix everything. Oddly enough, he seems to have fallen into despair and gained hope at the same time? It's almost like, what's the word...? Oh yeah. Desperation. It's not just about trying to stop us from destroying the world, it's not just about fixing everything and bringing back his brother, but it's also about holding onto that little spark inside of him. With this interpretation, he may be scared of hoping, but he's also scared to lose that last remaining bit of hope he has left. That could be one factor in why Sans even bothers to fight us at all. His hope, it's fragile, it's scary, but it's also important.

Honestly, I kind of see Sans as a sort of wounded optimist. Like, when despair hits, it hits HARD. And I'm guessing this is because he used to be such a big, genuine optimist before. I mean, come on! If you believe in the theory that Sans raised Papyrus, then where do you think Papyrus got it from? Sans strikes me as a guy who's desperately trying to see the good in everything. Even in the Genocide Route, he does this. Not only with the sparing trick, but there's a few points before you fight kill Papyrus where Sans tries to see the positive. For example, if you check the crossword and not skip it, he says that you can't be all bad if you like crosswords. Sweetie, no...

Sans is a strange guy. It's like he's constantly toeing the line between hope and despair, and even he doesn't know which side to go on. On one hand, hope is terrifying. It's easier to expect the worst than to hope for the best and end up feeling disappointed. But on the other hand, he needs that buried optimism. He has to find reasons to keep going, to move forward, to persevere. It's heartbreaking. He comes off as such a positive person, always smiling and joking around, wanting to make his friends happy (and I'm almost certain his goofiness isn't a complete facade, either, but that's a post for another time), so it hurts even more that someone like that is struggling so much.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a post about an interpretation of Sans that I like, but it ended up becoming some sort of analysis. Oh, well. I guess I'll just end it here.

[takeariskao3]

Hey! I know you've been working a lot in tpfy and I don't want to confuse you or something xd. but I'm curious about why AG Harry is pushing Ginny away. I thought maybe he's scared she won't love him again or some other stupid noble reason. A couple weeks ago you did like an analysis of tpfy Ginny and Harry, and I would love if you could do something like that for AG Harry too. if you want and like to do it ofc. Thank you for everything<3

omg i would LOVE to do this. you honestly have no idea how much i love talking about hjp and the nightmare scenarios i throw him into. though, i'm not sure how ~spoilery~ i want to get.. so it might not be as in depth as my tpfy asks from a few weeks ago but yeah i'd love to talk about already gone h/g!!

under the cut for length and spoilers

so harry starts out in a real pickle. the love of his life, and his wife of three years, has woken up from a weeks long coma with no memory since he led her on a fruitless rescue mission where they all almost died. she doesn't remember any part of their romantic history, but she also doesn't remember anything from her 6th year and the war.

after ginny finds out about fred, and goes unconscious again, it is vaguely hinted that ginny's emotions have a direct effect on her lucidity. therefore in the spirit of trying to keep her conscious until the healers can find out what exactly went wrong when they removed the parasite, harry and the weasleys decide to... uhh... hide her entire life from her just in case something triggers another collapse.

so much happens behind the scenes that ginny has absolutely no clue about and that was very intentional and on purpose. mostly because i love it when readers find out things at the same time she does, but also because i honestly don't think i could accurately portray harry's mental state. like genuinely. but i'm getting off track.

ok, so why is harry pushing ginny away? excellent question i'm so glad you asked. harry is afraid. and he isn't going to do anything (ANYTHING) to jeopardize her health/mental well-being. at this point behind the scenes molly, george, and hermione are like "seriously harry, tell your wife she's married to you." to which he replies "absolutely not." anyways, they decide to wait him out and not push it because we all know how harry gets. however, after ginny passes out at the memorial lunch, his fears all the sudden are MASSIVELY JUSTIFIED so he says fuckk all this, i'm out. but in a 'i am terrified my wife is going to faint and never wake up' kind of way.

so fast forward to after the night at the hog's head. ginny is super pissed, right? but also, harry was like super right. finding out she was married sorta did mess her up a bit.

but us, as readers, we are kinda like.. who cares yeah? she knows! she finally knows! except harry is still pretty stand-off-ish.... wonder what that's about (insert eye emoji here)

there's more to it obviously, i'm just being funny... but i can give you a two hints on what to be on the lookout for:

the flashbacks.. what happens when you take away the context of someone's love story.. can they still love in the same ways? where does that leave harry? how can he in good conscious give ginny back the worst year of her life? would he ever be that selfish?

the parasite.. where did it come from? how did ginny get it?? why?? what is going on in the wizarding world at the moment that would have anything to do with them???

also just a reminder that we have two very big things coming up... a potential experimental treatment and an anniversary. both of which were very VERY fun chapters to outline and draft. and by fun i mean they made me cry.

thanks so much for the question <333 i adore talking about my fics

[iztarshi]

I am curious besides rise what’s your opinion other on the other iterations of Raph? Since he’s my fav

87 Raphael is my favourite turtle of all, but it's hard to know where to start describing him. I just want to hold him out to people like "see?"

He's an outlier among Raphaels so people who usually like Raphaels don't always like him. He's the wise guy of the group and would always rather say something clever than something useful, but when he does say something useful it's usually a suggestion they don't run headlong into danger. He's verbally prickly, but physically affectionate, and although he's not the protector like some Raphs he does get latched onto by Donatello and Michelangelo sometimes just because he doesn't push people off. Michelangelo jumps into his arms when scared a few times and Raphael just stands there holding him for the rest of the scene.

I think Raphael vs the Volcano is a good episode for getting to know him. Raphael thinking he's dying due to a silly misunderstanding is a standard 90s TV plot, but the show takes it unexpectedly seriously once the set up is done. We see his cynicism as he tries to convince himself that the world is good and his life has been worth living only to fail due to New York's typical disregard for a loitering pedestrian. We see how his cynicism doesn't stop him wanting to save people when he decides that the world is terrible but he's at least going to make it better before he goes. We see his tendency to run from things, in this case from the emotional scene saying goodbye would be, since the misunderstanding continues due to him leaving notes instead of using his turtle comm. He's a little guy, he cares a lot, he's scared of a lot and doing his best anyway. Like other Raphaels he has more emotions than he knows how to handle.

03 Raphael is so nice. He wouldn't understand me saying that, which breaks my heart, but he is honestly such a sweet, polite teenager. He spends an episode doing chores for an old lady and is suprised and touched when she wants to see him again. When we see his worst nightmare it's his own face being behind Shredder's helmet. More than any Raph he seems to genuinely think he's bad. His temper is a lot for him to control and the part where he nearly hit Mikey with a pipe came off as if it might be a dissociative episode but he gets very little help with it. Despite his prickly reputation he's more often acting as emotional support for the others, especially when Leo's in an anxiety spiral.

He does have fun though! He's a Raph who really enjoys a fight and his "irritation" with Mikey is just a game.

My favourite bit of the Christmas episode was him and Angel pranking Casey with mistletoe because it's not often he really gets to act his age.

2012 Raph is maybe the prickliest Raph of all, combining 03's aggression with 87's sarcasm. He still manages to have the biggest, saddest green eyes when his brothers are upset and he can't do anything about it, though.

He comes off like an asshole in season one when he genuinely does seem to not like the other characters very much. Later this mellows a lot, to the point when I'm told he still regularly threatens to quit the team and storms off I'm not sure I believe it. Especially when it's never happened on screen before.

I don't think I have much to say about the movie Raphs. 90s Raph is good. 07 Raph needed to apologise to Donatello and not to Splinter, but that is a plot problem more than a problem with him. Batman Raph should not get to lecture Batman about being open with his family. I swear, of all the turtles XD

[l-e-morgan-author]

Not to exclaim over my own writing so much but it genuinely means so much to me that in Patience, Changing and The Patience of Hope - set about five years apart, though I've not made the difference so sure yet, the timeline is fairly loose at this point - that you can see the difference in how much more comfortable she is in The Patience of Hope.

Like a couple of paragraphs in Patience, Changing:

She wondered if her parents would love the other child more, assuming she was ‘normal’ like Patience was not. If pressed they would exclaim that nobody could love a child more than they loved Patience, but she had long since learned to take that advice lightly. It was not that she felt unloved; just that she was alien. There were ways in which she was utterly unlike everyone she knew. A part of her wanted to blame it on the fact that she was autistic, but somewhere deep inside she feared she was simply broken, a question that had never been allowed to rest. Patience had always been too afraid to ask it of her parents, just in case they confirmed her worst fear and said that yes, she was just broken. If ever it was confirmed she didn’t know how she would bear it.

Later on, she's still struggling with self hatred:

Why could she not let it go? She'd been assured that they loved her despite the way she was, and it wasn't like she disbelieved her parents. No, they were sincere, and yet - And yet! Rhona was so normal, so easy and relaxed. Patience was a ball of anxious energy who sat in the corner and knitted her way out of her many panics. She didn't really want to admit how much she envied and resented Rhona's apparent ease when dealing with others.

She's still worrying about it in The Patience of Hope, but not so much:

Was it my fault? she wanted to ask, tossing a diced potato in the slow cooker. Was I too difficult a child to raise, and caused fractures? Was I just too standoffish, too self reliant, too autistic? But her mother would never answer it honestly. At least - she couldn’t trust it would be honest, because it was too personal, and Mum would not want her to carry the guilt of separating them. She already carried that guilt, in the secret parts of her mind. It didn’t plague her always - just sometimes, when she was trying to get to sleep.

Nathan, though, tries to reassure her:

She laughed, bitterness edging her voice. “I’m autistic, Nathan. What if that’s just - unacceptable?” He sighed. “Autism isn’t a death sentence, nor does it make you broken, Patience. It’s a difference. It means you’re different. If you weren’t autistic you’d be different from the Patience I know and l-like.” He flushed, looking unaccountably guilty.

And she's working on it, she really is:

“For one thing - the thing I try and remind myself, and forget far too often - I’m a child of God, and that’s more important than the fact that I’m autistic, or anything else I am. - Thank you, Chloe.”

Anyway I don't know why I wanted to make this post, I just did.

Seven days to go until I hopefully receive my own autism diagnosis, God willing.... Frankly even though multiple clinicians are absolutely certain that I am autistic I'm scared in case the person assessing me doesn't think so. Or if they do, I don't know what the next step is.

[system-of-a-feather]

Hi! First of all I just want to say I love your content and the stuff you post has been really comforting lately. I’ve been wondering if I have DID recently, and had repressed memories of having alters, but I’m just not sure if I’m just faking it or not and I’m scared to reach out to people or look at things because I do not want to offend systems at all

Basically I’m wondering if I could have some advice, but if not that’s totally cool :))

To be honest? Don't worry about it. Its fine to be wrong and its fine to question and explore. Some people might get offended, but that's cause its the internet and there's no such thing as a non-offensive post on the internet. I'm sure someone on the internet would get offended over the ":))" emoji. /hj /lh

I might not be the best person to ask, because I honestly don't even care that much of people actually ARE intentionally faking it - like intentionally and actively faking it for likes or whatever is bad and you shouldn't do it and yada yada, but I'm really not gonna keep myself up at night over it. And if I'm not gonna do that for INTENTIONAL MALINGERING "fakers", I sure as hell don't give a fuck and mind people who are genuinely trying to figure out whats going on in their head and maybe misinterpretation it or getting it wrong. Mental health shit is confusing and difficult and existing in general is really difficult and hard to understand so *shrugs*

Communicate your experiences, see a professional if you can, and express what is making you feel the way you do. I don't think anyone should be offended or mad about someone with good will and good intent, trying to understand and explain what is genuinely going on in their head - and if someone is, I think that's not something you should have to have weigh on your head. If you don't mean harm, try to be respectful, and are simply trying to understand yourself - I don't think you need to judge yourself for the potential of being wrong.

Being wrong and what not is an important step to learning and growing and developing as person. I think we - as a society - should honestly welcome the "wrong but with good faith" and the "hes a little confused but hes got the spirit" more often tbh.

Philosophical social rambles aside, as for other pointers? I'm not sure how specifically relevant it is, but I think there are some points of interest that might be related to this topic on this post? Not sure cause I don't fully remember what I wrote but, I remember people reblogging it and liking it so XD Worst case scenario, its completely irrelevant but a peer reviewed good post so *shrugs*

-Riku

[mx-werebat]

Honestly this may be my sleep deprivation talking but I do need to get this out here. This isn't aimed, please don't think it's aimed. Anyone this is potentially "aimed" at has been blocked for a bit. Putting under a cut cause I probably won't be able to see this later.

I don't know, but what the fuck is up with her getting triggered constantly? We have this deep paranoia that it's literally happening on purpose and that others have been literally trying to get a rise out of him. I know this is irrational, but it's so fucking constant, we've constantly had to do fucking damage control because she either fronted or emotionally bled onto me and there was shit that went down due to it.

Like this shit feels genuinely dangerous especially due to her past life and what would happen back then if this shit happened to him. There have been so many times I felt something was going to go SO fucking wrong and at this point we are legitimately scared and all I can do is just fucking pray it doesn't get to the point she suddenly harrasses someone and/or does something completely irredeemable.

She feels like he's some fucking monster for all of this. I keep tryna tell her that that's not the damn case, he was literally formed to do this shit, but my words aren't too helpful. It's all a tangled fucking mess and I just wish I could go. ONE FUCKING WEEK without feeling the need to go on a block spree because I'm afraid Ula is going to absolutely lose his shit and bring us to a dangerous point.

Like for fucks sake we just want. One. One fucking week where something doesn't happen. Honestly Ula being scary ain't the worst part, it's when he starts god damn crying because then, THEN I know shit's down the drain, hit the fan. It absolutely fuckin' terrifies me when Ula cries.

It's just eyeheysydbdhevrgwh fuck. I'm done. Don le with what I dunno. It's about 6am, I am sleep deprived off my ass and my period is wrecking my shit rn

[gibbearish]

re: your post about vaginismus. idk if that's specifically what i have but i definitely have some sort of pelvic floor disorder going on and i was wondering if it's not just an option to never ever partake in any sort of vaginal penetration ever? everyone always acts like you HAVE to treat it by, you know, putting things in your vagina. but i am just not okay with that even remotely even a little bit ever at all. i would genuinely consider any kind of penetration to be sexual assault and would never ever consent to it, not even for medical purposes.

i tried pelvic floor therapy that involved "external" work like breathing & muscle exercises but it really felt like it wasn't helping and was so unjustifiably expensive that i honestly feel like i got scammed :/

i've even spoken to two separate sex therapists about it and all they did was tell me my feelings were valid but never actually offered any helpful insights or advice, leading me to believe they've never encountered anyone like me before, like i'm maybe the most uniquely messed up person in the world to the point that not even sex therapists—whose whole job (i perhaps falsely believed) is helping people with sexual issues—know what to do with me.

so what is someone like me supposed to do?

so before i say anything else, i do just want to offer a disclaimer that i am not a medical professional and everything i say should be taken with a grain of salt, everything im gonna be saying here is speculation based solely on the things youve said and my own personal experiences. i also want to add my generic "if youre in the united states, do everything through planned parenthood" advisory here, they have excellent service and idk how they vet their references but it's kept me from having bad experiences through them so far, so it seems to be working and i highly recommend going through them for anything sexual health related if you have the ability.

now, with that out of the way, on to some more specific advice. so firstly, no, you do not have to treat it. your body is yours and you choose what happens to it. however, that doesn't automatically make every choice a healthy one. you could choose to never brush your teeth or go to the dentist, and anyone who tried to pin you down and forcefully clean your teeth would in fact be assaulting you, but that wouldn't change the fact that we brush our teeth for a reason yknow? it's your body and your choice, and you are allowed to make unhealthy choices if you want, but you should be able to ackowledge them as what they are. and i understand penetration can be scary and hard, believe me, but there are genuine health reasons for doing so. pap smears are how they check for cervical cancer (i just got one done today!), and even outside of that there are things that can cause major problems if left unchecked. for instance vaginal atrophy can make the walls of the vaginal canal dry out and stick together, and if that happens for an extended time with nothing to separate them, those walls can then fuse to and grow into each other. in severe cases, the vaginal canal can fully seal shut, the worst case i read about was a woman in an old folks home who had atrophy from menopause and no sexual activity, so she only found out when the growing skin sealed her /urethra/ shut.

i'm not telling you these things to scare you, but just to hopefully give you some perspective on why medical professionals are so insistent about it. the purpose of invasive tests like pap smears is to prevent having to do much more invasive work down the line to fix things, like cancer treatments or surgically reopening your pee hole. and that's not to say if you don't try to treat yours, those will 100% happen, my point is that if youre not able to work through this fear, you simply won't be able to take those preventative measures. like i said, its your body and you choose what happens to it, but like. there is a legitimate reason for people wanting treatment for vaginismus beyond just sex, i know some people do come at it from an angle of "rrgh sex is what makes us human you must be able to have sex ragagagahg" which is obviously fucked up, but a lot of it does actually come from a place of genuine concern for your health. also, this is just a sidenote, but the breathing and muscle exercises /do/ help, however if youre unwilling to consent to penetration then they don't really have a way to check if it's working and give you pointers on which exercises would actually help you the most. obv you know your situation better than i do so use your best judgement as to whether other factors point to it being a scam, but as someone who's been through that therapy i can confirm that those steps are a normal part of the therapy for it and aren't useless. it's just that therapists can only really help as much as you let them.

and with that, i want to move on to something else, and i know i said this before but i want to reiterate that everything im about to say is entirely speculation. that being said, im getting the feeling that maybe youre not being entirely truthful with yourself about this. you say that you don't want penetration and would never consent, but youve visited multiple doctors about it and are now reaching out to me for answers too. im not sure if the reply i got on that post to a similar tune around the same time was also you or not, but if it was then you reached out through multiple channels as well. and to me, that says that maybe you /do/ actually want to try treating it, but are being held back by fear. whether that fear is due to the previous bad experiences youve had or something else in your past, i couldnt tell you, but given all of that and esp the "maybe i'm a uniquely messed up person" part, i get the feeling that youre not as ok with having it as youre saying you are, and as id wager you mightve told those sex therapists? like. that to me doesnt sound like the statement of someone who is content with the way their body is functioning. to me, it sounds like you are unhappy with having this disorder but your previous attempts to resolve it have stalled out or gotten you nowhere, so youve convinced yourself you're fine with it rather than risk another failure.

because here's the thing. im very careful when talking about this disorder publically not to say that it makes one broken or that sex is a necessary part of being human. and ive been paying closer attention to how misunderstandings like these happen lately, and ive noticed that you can usually learn a lot from people based on what they get defensive about; "if the shoe fits" is a saying for a reason, after all. so when people read my post simply offering resources to those struggling with treatment and come away from it hearing "you are broken and should fix this," it tells me that that interpretation was likely already in their mind before they started reading, that that was the lense they were already viewing my words through. so when they hit a part that seemingly confirmed it, they got defensive. and again, this is all 100% speculation, i know nothing about you beyond this ask and can't know if this is accurate or not. all I'm saying is like. really take some time to sit with your feelings about this disorder and assess if you genuinely are fine with having it. idk if this was included in the version you saw, but in one of the additions to that post i mentioned that like. for a long time i felt the same about my disorder, i'm transmasc so there was something validating about only being able to do sex like a gay man, of not physically having the vaginal option, but. after a while i realized that was just a bandaid for me, an excuse to be ok with it rather than an explanation. whether i wanted to do it "the girl way" or not, i didn't like not getting the choice.

and that's a theme ive actually seen repeated in the tags of that post a bit, ive gotten comments from quite a few ppl saying "i'm ace so this shouldnt matter to me. And Yet...👀" because. like. its your body!!! you want to feel like you have full control over it!!!! choosing not to have sex or not to allow penetration can feel fundamentally different than basically having it dangled in front of your face your whole life but just out of reach. like, there are a bunch of people out there getting treatment because of this post specifically so that they can be ace but Harder. so like. idk, i think what im trying to say it that like. you dont have to try to make yourself be ok with penetration for any reason if you dont want to. but to me it sounds like having the choice could being you peace. reading your ask back, i notice that you didn't actually say youre ok with having this, just that youre vehemently /not/ ok with penetration, and idk. to me that sounds less like peace with where youre at and more like fear. and i think dealing with that fear might get you much further in accepting this part of yourself if just trying to be ok with it on its own isnt getting you anywhere.

now, all of that aside, if that speculation is wrong and it is just outside pressure giving you conflict, that gets a bit more difficult and idk how helpful my advice here can be. my first thought would be to try reaching out to a regular therapist rather than specifically a sex therapist, that way if your aversion to it turns out to be like trauma related or smth, they could help you deal with it, whether by helping you unwind that aversion or by figuring out why external opinions are influencing your self-image so much. other than that, maybe just. try really driving home that its not the penetration aversion thats giving you problems, but your feelings /about/ the aversion? im not sure how you brought this up to them but therapists can sometimes do this thing where they latch on to one specific idea and ignore what youre actually telling them, so i can imagine them getting easily sidetracked into thinking the conflict was about the penetration itself so when you said you were ok with not doing it, they were like "oh! cool well problem solved then, they just needed validation that theyre allowed to not want sex!:))!!!!!" which. sucks massively that that can happen, but therapists are human too and are not immune to having their own internal biases. either way, unfortunately without knowing more about your specific situation+therapist experiences, i don't think i can offer much specific help? it could have just been issues with those specific therapists, or it could have been like with the breathing+muscle exercises where there was something more going on behind the scenes that you werent aware of, or it could be that your issues with this are entirely unrelated to sex which is why sex therapists werent able to help. i would encourage trying more therapists, but i also very very much understand the mental exhaustion involved with that whole process (currently procrastinating setting up my own therapy appointments because my last three have sucked, so seriously, i /very/ much get it kwbfksbfkd) so i get it if that advice rings hollow. i will say though, ive heard from a friend who's currently in therapy that good therapists will indeed ask follow up questions and actually dig up the part thats bugging you, whether you entirely want to give it up or not, but i don't know if that translates for sex therapists. i should hope so but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows. either way though, them not being able to help does not mean youre uniquely fucked up, it just means that they werent the therapists for you.

the only other idea i really have is to just like. maybe familiarize yourself with signs of cervical cancer? i know very little about it myself so i dont even know if there are other external signs, but id assume yes and that people dont just Randomly Drop Dead One Day. so i would research like. what pains to keep an eye out for, changes in urinary habits, things like that, bc if it were me i think that would probably help me feel better abt the whole situation would be knowing i had a backup for the medical aspect.

this got really long and idk if there's a tldr that could do it justice but i think if i had to condense all of this down i would say that no, you are not broken for having this disorder and you do not have to fix it if you don't want to, but i kinda get the feeling that you maybe do want to? however that is entirely a guess that could easily be wrong, so if it is, then i would reach out to a non-sex therapist, because either way it does sound like these feelings are effecting you negatively quite a bit. you deserve to genuinely feel happy with your body, not to feel like the most uniquely messed up person in the world, and a good therapist can help you get there regardless of where those feelings are coming from.

but yeah, i hope this is helpful in some way and that the speculation was ok, it just. really sounds to me like your feelings on this might be more complex than you're letting yourself feel. and i hope that in the event i am wrong, i offered enough possible alternatives to still be helpful 💕 best of luck

[daryfromthefuture]

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE since i have made a proper ramble on here BUT.

bttf the game.

i've been replaying it recently and i forgot how insane it was. the story is SO DAMN GOOD and now i'm going to explain why i think that the citizen brown timeline was, in my opinion, an even worse timeline for marty to experience than 1985a.

(game spoilers ahead!)

so we all know that what caused the citizen brown timeline (we'll call it 1986b) to exist: emmett marries edna strickland and she gets him obsessed with law and order and using his science to control people's psyche. this results in edna and emmett being the totalitarian rulers of hill valley when marty comes back to the 1980s.

doc's face is everywhere, telling people to sign up for citizen plus. he's an idol for everyone. and i'm sure that emmett, after all of his failures, is pretty proud of that. he probably thinks that life in law is the only thing that made him successful and science was a bad idea anyway lol. anyway this is not the point.

marty enters and discovers this new hill valley. it's all clean and neat and at first glance doesn't seem as bad. there's no crime like in 1985a, in fact, there's no danger at ALL. nobody's going to shoot you or roll you over with a motorcycle.

marty, though, knows everyone in this timeline but also. doesn't. his parents both are alive. jennifer is alive (though changed significantly), and doc is alive too. and marty needs to find him.

but doc does not know marty.

imagine being a teenage kid who has had this man as your only support system for your entire youth only for him to become a complete stranger when you need him the most? this is fucked up, and we see it in marty's reactions when he eventually goes to citizen brown's office and tries to convince him he's a time traveler. marty talks to him like he'd usually talk to doc, only in this case, it's the wrong way. he gets yelled at when he tries to address an issue in hill valley.

do you think marty ever got yelled at by doc. no.

marty is, in fact, partly scared of this doc: his voice grows quiet when doc silences him in that cellar where we eventually find edna with all her monitors, and he's careful when he talks to him. of course, he wants his timeline to be restored, but he needs any version of doc to do so and he's got to work with what he gets.

i think the worst and most messed up part of 1986b is that, in comparison to 1985a, you would not expect it to exist. would you expect biff to try and get himself rich as soon as possible? yes, sure. biff is a butthead and everyone knows that.

would you expect doc, the smart, kind, father-figure in the films to become such a drastically changed person to the point that not even marty can trust him anymore and who essentially becomes an antagonist? i don't think so.

marty was completely taken aback by this entire thing and has to navigate through this strange timeline by himself. he has ZERO allies in this one. everyone either is confused by him, doesn't know him or even dislikes him.

if i were him i'd honestly cry lmao

another huge thing about 1985a and 1986b are the ways they get erased.

all it took for 1985a was to get a book back from biff. that's it, that's all this timeline hinges on. marty gets it and burns it, and done.

but 1986b? damn. that's a thousand times more complex. you've gotta convince young emmett to dump someone who he genuinely is in love with and who keeps him motivated. bonus, you even caused this relationship to happen in first place.

i'm pretty sure it was easier for marty to just steal a book than to go and break his best friend's heart to get said best friend back.

marty knows what he wants, but citizen brown almost talks him out of it. we get another glimpse at marty's selfless personality; he wants his timeline back, but what about the doc who's standing in front of him? is this worth the risk of losing the doc he has only to try and get back the version he knows?

marty is hurt when emmett literally tells him he hates him and when he's faced with the fact that he, in fact, has ruined doc's youth instead of making it better. what is this boy supposed to feel. yes, he will get the doc back he knows, but at what cost? he will forever have to live with the fact that, at some point in his life, doc loathed him.

him, the boy who eventually become his best and most loyal friend, hell, even family.

this HURTS. marty collects trauma like pokemon cards

AND LISTEN. the final episode. when citizen brown gets hit by that car to get marty out of the way. we all thought he was AGAINST marty's intentions but then he fucking saves his life with absolutely no hesitation?? then he lies there and dies while marty holds his hand and grieves him????

telltale whY MUST YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS

marty mourns this strange doc because it was still doc in a way and all marty wanted the entire goddamn time was to save doc and get back HOME and instead he gets more PAIn

marty even ends up confusing emmett for doc when he steps out of the expo hall because marty just. he just wants to have his bff back for fuck's sake and emmett is also alredy his bff and he only wants the best for him even though emmett thought differently.

i can't even begin to express how happy i am about the fact that marty and the ACTUAL, REAL doc get to hug at the end. if only it had lasted longer than 2 seconds.

THIS WAS A MASSIVE RANT but i have been rotating these thoughts in my brain for the past week or so. enjoy.

bttf the game is a fantastic addition to the franchise, it makes me FEEL THINGS and i absolutely love how we, instead of like in the first film where we had to fix the relationship between marty's parents, we have to fix the relationship between the main characters which we all thought was pretty much unbreakable in the movies. a+ stuff right there.

play bttf the game if you haven't. and then go write some fanfics about it please there aren't many and this is a CRIME. i gotta love me some game content

[lex-n-weegie]

Elaborating more on thoughts relating to this post on a separate post so I don't take away from OP's points. There's a chance that none of this will make sense, or perhaps I'll come off as hurtful, and if either case happens please please please DM me or reply to this. Genuinely, I want to be a good person, don't be scared to approach. I'm just 18, I'm not gonna chew you out for anything

All of it is going under the cut because really, I'm just rambling and putting random thoughts together. Some swears, negativity, all that kinda junk, and I know it'll be long(also rbs are turned off because I do not want to deal with drama, college starts in a week)

I've never gotten any hate from the community for anything, I'll be upfront on that. I've only gotten 1 hateful ask in my entire time having this blog and the previous one I accidentally deleted. Irl is a slightly different story, but that isn't important to this. The worst I could even tell you specifically relating to the selfship community is not getting a lot of engagement on my posts, not getting asks when I rb ask games, and sometimes the occasional blocked out of nowhere by someone I believed I was friendly with.

I hope I've been nice in this community as well, I've been doing my best to be welcoming, open, and kind to anyone I come across. I also try my best to not complain about certain things(like lack of engagement), or even venting about irl stuff. Sure this is my blog, I can post whatever the hell I want, and to some extent I do, but I also try to have this place be one of comfort and recluse from the world. That what selfshipping was for me when I was younger, and it still kind of is, so I want others to to have that as well.

Admittedly, it's why I don't talk about real life issues often if at all. People can criticize me for that, but honestly I don't think it's fully necessary for me specifically to do so. I don't have enough followers to where me speaking about things would do much. Everyone who follows me would know about them already, and I would just be stating something that should be obvious to anyone who knows me even surface level(like killing trans/queer folk for being themselves is horrible, women should have control over their own bodies, black/poc people are equal to white people, etc etc). Genuinely, logically, I don't see any instance where I actually need to bring it up.

Also also, while yes, I'm lucky that I haven't gotten any hate, I do know people who were chased off of their own platforms because of the characters they liked, or even because they didn't know EVERYTHING about something. Their own f/o's creators or source material, an acquaintance/friend's f/os, or whatever else there is. I know of a person who was forced out with fire and pitchforks because they specifically liked a different version of a character, one where they weren't bad or anything. But because of the similar name garbage, people believed they liked an undead man who happily and openly murdered people and chased them out.

And honestly? The community has such double standards and is sometimes super online. I know I know, I'm a terminally online person too, I'm a hypocrite, but I still try to bind myself to reality and realize when some issues are, in all honesty, fucking stupid. You know how many people I've seen selfship with murderers? Not just "oh they're so misunderstood 🥺" characters either, I've seen Chucky(both human and doll), I've seen Jason, a bunch of different characters who openly enjoy murdering, who manipulate and torture, and almost none of them are openly hated or chased out with the same hatred and anger I've seen others get treated with. It's because it's not wrong. If it's not a real murderer and the person doesn't want/fantasize about doing that irl(basically bad mental issues), who cares? Genuinely, what's the issue? None, because most people don't have a problem at all with it unless it's a specific character they don't like much apparently.

As well as this, people are expected to know so much in this community. The dos and don'ts, who's right and who's wrong, what traits make a character wrong to selfship with, and the smallest mistake or unknown information can get their head on a stick. Ik a kind of big situation happen a few years back that's similar to what I'm talking about, but it's not the only thing I've citing. This has happened before, it's not a one time occurrence. Oh, you didn't know that this person you follow has an f/o who's some kind of abhorrent person? Well, to the shredder with you then. Oh, this person has an f/o who was once a bad person but has since grown and is doing good now in their source material? Well, you and the majority only know them as a villain, so go scream at them for liking such horrible things.

I'm not saying everyone is like this ofc, I'm not thinking that "oh the whole selfship community is bad I'm the only good one here. :(((" It's just that either a majority or perhaps a very loud and active part of the community are, and it sucks. The double standers suck, the demands lots have are so much, sometimes it could feel like more of a hassle than anything.

And I'll admit, I think most of it comes from the fact of what selfshipping IS. It's a form of selflove and everything, but it can go to far. "Too much of a good thing isn't a good thing for anyone." Too much confidence can make you an asshat, too much kindness can make you a doormat, too much of a specific profession or environment can make you jaded, and too much selflove can make you selfish and narcissistic. It's a safe space away from things, yes, but when you demand others do what YOU want because it'll make you more comfortable, it's just a whole mess. You need to block the tags, you need to block the people you don't like(you don't even need a good reason, blocking is free), it's up to you to curate your online experience. Like someone's art but hate a specific ship? Block the tag and keywords. This one Selfshipper annoys you and nothing else? Block them. Stop vagueposting and being so negative. You can say you're sad because you saw someone else shipping with your main, but don't name drop or be so specific that someone could figure out who.

I'll admit, the last bit comes from my own annoyances and experience. I stopped talking or joining any selfship servers because I had negative experiences. One situation specifically had someone upset that I shared an f/o with them that they were uncomfy sharing. I told them I don't talk about them often, and anytime I do I'll spoil it and have a warning. But it wasn't good enough for them apparently because they'd "click it and see/read it anyway." When they then went on to vent about it for more than a full day in the server's vent chat, it really felt like they wanted me out so they could be comfortable, all because they couldn't control themselves.

I'm sorry to be so mean, but sometimes you gotta man up. It's okay to not want to share, your f/os truly loves you, but it doesn't mean you're allowed to make demands out of others. You can ask for a tag to block, or a warning so you don't have to see, but that's all you can do.

I think that's it, sorry for all the emotion. As I kept writing I kept wanting to say more. I hope it makes some sort of sense lol

[salemsimss]

Beginning | Previous | Next

Transcript below the cut

Caleb: Right. Let's talk. What the hell happened last night? Because suddenly, you're not talking to Casper and Shi. And don't bullshit me on this one.

Johnny: [Sigh] We got into a fight.

Caleb: Is that it?

Kylo: It wasn't just a fight though, was it Johnny? What happened?

Johnny: It was that fucking Ouija Board...

Caleb: What Ouija Board?

Kylo: Johnny, none of us have brought one here.

Johnny: Shi did, but he claims to have "stumbled across it".

-

Chris: Where did you even find that board anyway?

Shi: In the woods outside of our camping area.

Chris: Oh, right.

Shi: I didn't think we would actually get in contact with a spirit or anything.

Casper: It wasn't just a spirit...

Shi: Shit, yeah.

Arya: It's just- Scott's death is still a very touchy subject for Johnny... well for all of us, really.

Shi: I get that, and we really didn't think he was going to reach out like that.

Arya: I know. It's not your fault.

Chris: Like you said, it was unexpected. I'm sure he'll come round. He probably just needs some time to himself. Y'know, to process everything that had happened last night and to allow himself to feel whatever emotions it is he's feeling.

Casper: I don't think I've ever seen him this angry... or hurt.

Arya: I know. Just give him time.

-

Kylo: So you think that one of them was moving the planchette?

Johnny: Yeah, pretty much. I'm not so sure which one of them did it, or if they decided to take it in turns on each question.

Caleb: If that really is the case, then that's just fucked up and your anger would be completely justifiable.

-

Shi: Still not sure what gave him the impression that I used my ability on him, especially for something like this.

Arya: Your ability? Oh- Yeah, I only just clocked on to what you meant.

Casper: Well, he thinks that I told you everything that he had told me that night, just to use it against him?

Chris: Honestly, I think that this is something that can only be resolved by just sitting down and talking it out. Have everyone say their piece and just listen to each other.

-

Kylo: Okay, so clearly this is a messy situation where everyone has their own version of their "story". If you want, I can talk to them, have them explain their side since I'm basically a walking lie detector and can smell bullshit from miles away.

Johnny: You sure that's a good idea?

Caleb: Unless you want to talk to them yourself? [Scoff] Look, here are the possible outcomes. Worst case scenario, they're lying and did in fact manipulate the board to fuck with you. In that case, they will be dealt with and you can do whatever you please.

Best case scenario, they are also telling the truth and it really was Scott communicating with you all. Which in that case, you will need to sit down and talk it out, come to an agreement on something and then do whatever the fuck you want after.

Johnny: I'll think about it. I need some time away from them, I think.

-

Casper: Shi?

Shi: Yeah?

Casper: Do you think he'll ever listen to our side?

Shi: Not any time soon, no. Honestly at this point, just let the human believe what he wants to believe. And if he doesn't want to listen? Then fuck him.

Casper: I don't like this... I just want everything to be okay again.

Shi: [Scoffs] Even after the way he spoke to you last night? You're too forgiving...

Casper: I still really care about him...

Shi: He basically called you a shit person and said you fucked his life up. Is he really someone you want to be friends with after all of that?

Casper: ...He probably just said all of that in the heat of the moment. Like when you say things out of anger, but you don't really mean it?

Shi: Sounded pretty genuine to me... Either way, you don't need that shit in your life.

-

Braeden: You both clearly like each other, so why the fuck are you freaking out about it so much?

Malaya: Because I've never felt this way before and I'm scared I'm going to fuck it up!

Braeden: I doubt it.

Salem: It sounds like the date went really well, and she wants to see you again.

Connor: I say go on that dinner date and see what happens from there. You're letting your self doubts get to you and that could lead to you sabotaging your potential relationship with her.

Malaya: [Heavy sigh] You're probably right. I definitely do want to go on a second date. I really do like her!

Salem: But when you do go, you have got to let us know how it goes.

Braeden: Yeah, we want all the details!

Kathryn: I second that. Tell us everything.

Connor: You guys are unbelievable.