#how many times do you think wymack's heart broke

[foxstens]

never not thinking about how kevin day is david wymack's son

imagine you're kevin, practically born with a racquet in your hand, you grow up with your mother for a while and maybe you ask about your father and she tells you not to worry about it, or maybe you just never ask because she doesn't mention it and you don't know how important it is, yet. then she dies, you're moved to evermore, it's so different from what you've seen previously but you have no choice so you just bow your head and do your best to survive, clinging onto your mother's sport, clinging onto the idea that you'll become a star.

you're there for so long you eventually forget you've ever been outside of it, but you see how desperate riko is for his father's attention so you start wondering, however briefly, about the concept of a father.

then you're in high school, you find the letter and suddenly it's not just a vague concept you have to wonder about, suddenly it's something real and tangible. you've heard of david wymack, it would've been impossible not to since he was a friend of your mother's and considering the kind of team he's taken up to creating, maybe you've even met him extremely briefly at some point. you know enough about the industry to think his team isn't just a publicity stunt, and somehow you know that if he finds out he'll do everything in his power to get you out.

you're not stupid enough to tell riko this, but you do tell jean and he laughs at you. of course he does. but you've been there for too long, you've seen too much, and you're old enough to understand what the master would do if he deemed david wymack to be a threat. you can't leave riko's side therefore you can't tell him any time soon, possibly ever, so you resolve to reading the letter over and over instead. (riko reads it almost as often as you)

then you're 19 and the erc thinks riko is holding you back. you're 19 and you're watching riko stomp on everything you've built up through the years. you're 19 and the letter is the only reason you have the strength to leave.

you tell wymack and the team as much as you dare because they deserve to know the risks of having you here, and wymack takes it in stride, he puts himself and his team at risk and even takes out loans to keep you here, like you knew he would. he signs you and he deserves to know about the letter, the more time passes the worse it'll be when you do tell him, but you can't yet because it's too soon and you don't trust yourself to tell riko no when the time comes.

then neil is asking for your help

now imagine you're wymack. your childhood was shit and you didn't have the support you needed at the time, but you believe you can be better than the hands that shaped you. kayleigh taught you everything you know about exy, and you loved her so it stung when she died and you couldn't be there for her only son. but, no matter what you might think of tetsuji moriyama, you don't think kayleigh would send her son to an unsafe place. you just go on with your days, maybe tune in on the news to see that kevin's doing well. you have no reason to think otherwise.

when you have the opportunity to start an exy team from scratch, you dedicate it to the kids that need another chance, the kids the world has given up on. you'll never give up on them.

then, what feels like a lifetime later, kevin day is standing in front of your hotel room and asking you for help. he's saying his 'beloved brother' broke his hand, he's saying the moriyamas are part of the yakuza, he's saying they'll kill him if they find him. throughout the year you get to know him better, you see that he's grown up to be a caged and abused wreck, you see he was raised to care about nothing but exy, you see him having a panic attack at the mere mention of having to face his former team, you see him drinking himself to oblivion to cope. you can't undo the past so you do your best to support him now, but damn if you don't wish you could've been there for him.

then he's telling you he's your son

[willowbird]

Aah I need more smiling and laughing Andrew from you now please!!! I'll be happy with anything you want to do with that! 💜💜

We ALL need more smiling and laughing Andrew in our lives. It's just too purr. 😉

I hope you enjoy!

(Also, I’m like -- SUPER sorry this took so long to finish even though it’s just a lil drabble. I hope it was worth the wait!!)

-----

Dan checked her watch for the third time and frowned. "Jesus, where the hell are those two? We're gonna miss our reservation if we have to wait for them much longer."

Their family had been spread to the winds for years at this point, but they still managed to get together once a year for some sort of a reunion. This year they were back in Palmetto the week before Christmas (something they tried to do every other year around the holidays). Half of them had arrived in town last night and the rest only this morning, but they’d spent most of the day itself imposing on Wymack and Abby (who had finally moved in together). 

It had been a good time and though Abby had offered to cook for them, Dan had insisted that the whole team treat Abby and Wymack to dinner at a nice restaurant. Considering how many of them there were, the celebratory nature of the visit, and the general rowdiness of their group, it had been decided that the lot of them would carpool with Neil, Renee, and Kevin as the DDs. 

Renee and Kevin had already driven off with their allotted passengers, so now Dan and Matt were left waiting for Andrew and Neil to finish getting ready or whatever the fuck they were doing. 

“We won’t miss our reservation,” Matt assured with a chuckle, nudging her. “Miss out on the breadsticks? Well, that’s more likely...”

“Fuck that.” Dan was not missing out on breadsticks so that Andrew and Neil could get in a quickie before dinner. With that decided, she whirled on her heel and charged back into the house. She instinctively angled for the hallway that lead down to the guest bedrooms, intending to make as much noise as possible as she tromped down the hallway so as to alert them of her approach. She was less concerned about getting stabbed these days as she was about seeing parts of her friends that she really, really did not need to see. 

Not that Andrew and Neil were grossly all over each other now or anything, but the years seemed to have softened the both of them. It was no longer shocking to see them holding hands or leaning casually against each other. They traded easy, casual kisses in greeting and simple affection just like the rest of the couples -- though there was still this... weight to every interaction between Andrew and Neil that spoke of how hard-earned those simple, casual expressions of affection were for the pair. 

Dan didn’t begrudge them that. On the contrary, it warmed her heart every single time she caught one of those tiny actions of easy love and affection out of the corner of her eye. 

Accidentally walking into the wrong guest room and catching Andrew pinning Neil against the wall, both of them barely dressed, was an entirely other matter and Dan was never going to be able to scrub that image or the sound of the way Neil was fucking moaning out of her damn mind. 

Yeah. She was officially scarred for life. 

So, while she was done waiting for them she was also not willing to add more trauma to her already considerable payload. She took a deep breath and prepared to start shouting and stomping when soft sounds coming from the den caught her attention. Now, if it had only been the little meows and scrabbles of kittens playing that would not have made her pause. After all -- the whole team had spent about four hours straight this afternoon going positively gaga over the adorable little fuzzballs. Nancy, Abby and Wymack’s recent rescue cat turned out to be pregnant when they adopted her -- which they hadn’t realized at the time. Now they had a little bundle of kittens taking up space in the living room. Wymack had already tried to pass them out like candy to the rest of the team but no one had bitten. 

Well, that wasn’t true -- Nicky had wanted to take the whole litter, but Erik had kindly and calmly told him ‘no’ in such an effective way Nicky had dropped the subject with little more than a bit of pouting. 

So if it were just that, she wouldn’t have paused. 

No, it was the quiet murmuring that bubbled over the kitten sounds that drew her attention. Dan cut off her shout before she could utter it and pivoted smoothly, heading instead for the den. She slowed her steps as she approached, holding her breath so the sound of her breathing wouldn’t smother what she could now make out to be words.

“We have plenty of space.”

“Drew, while you aren’t wrong -- I don’t think that five kittens is the best way to start a family.”

“Because you are such an expert.”

“Drew.”

A sigh. “Three then.”

“What, not going to try for four?”

Andrew -- because it had to be Andrew, even though Dan was struggling to compute this particular conversation with Andrew ‘The Monster’ Minyard -- snorted in affront. “And leave just one all by itself? Don’t be stupid.”

Neil, because again -- it had to be Neil -- chuckled. “We are not taking three kittens home with us, Drew.”

There was a long silence and Dan risked peaking around the edge of the doorframe. Andrew Minyard was sitting on the floor with his back against the armchair, mostly facing away from the door and absolutely covered with kittens. One was on his shoulder, two were wrestling between his folded legs, and he was holding the other two against his chest, his face turned down as he nuzzled the little fuzzballs, all while glaring at Neil over the top of their furry heads. Well, Dan assumed he was glaring. She couldn’t actually see enough of his face to gauge his expression, but even covered with kittens this was still Andrew ‘I Wear Fucking Knives Everywhere’ Minyard, so she felt it was a safe enough assumption. 

Then again, she could see most of Neil’s face, and he was looking at Andrew with an expression that Dan had no other description for other than “abject adoration”. So who knew, maybe Andrew was smiling gently and...

Yeah, no probably not.

Neil sighed, and Dan knew that sound. It was the sound of a man too much in love to say ‘no’ to whatever his partner wanted. Of a person too much in love to say ‘no’ to their love’s request, actually -- because she knew that she’d made that sound more than once regarding Matt. 

“Alright, fine. But not three. Two. Two kittens. That way they won’t be alone and might be somewhat manageable.”

Dan thought that Neil was in for a rude awakening if he really thought that any number of cats were ‘manageable’, but she’d let him figure that out for himself. She could tell that Andrew was debating an argument, but he ultimately shrugged -- which she supposed was an agreement. Then he handed one of the kittens in his hands to Neil and gently scooped the one off his shoulder and added it to the squirming fluff-pile in his lap. 

Neil held up the kitten and studied it, then his face broke into a wide, bright smile as the little black poof reached out and batted at his nose with the sweetest little squeak. The sound must have drawn the attention of the other kittens because they suddenly all turned their attention to Neil and launched a less-than-coordinated assault, even the one in Andrew’s hands squirming free to jump onto Neil. Neil barked out a laugh in surprise and jumped, ending up on his back as the kittens overran him and took him for their own. 

With a sound that Dan didn’t really understand, Andrew pushed up to his knees and crawled around to be able to lean over Neil’s head as the kittens tussled and romped all over his partner. This change in angle allowed Dan to see Andrew’s face, and then her brain sort of caught up with her ears and she realized that she did know that sound -- because Andrew was making it again. He was laughing. It wasn’t a big laugh, not bright or rapid or voluminous. It was small, and soft, but there was a rich, deep quality to it that sang with genuine affection as he smiled down at Neil. 

“See? I still say we should take all five. They are already a well-formed strike team.” Andrew. It was Andrew ‘I Eat Strikers For Breakfast’ Minyard saying those words. Smiling softly down at Neil. Chuckling as he reached out and brushed just his thumb over the tiny head of a fuzzy black and gray kitten. 

“Two,” Neil said again, but Dan wondered exactly how firm he was going to be able to remain on that point with the way he was looking up at Andrew. “We can convince Aaron to take the other three then set up play-dates.”

Andrew laughed again, a quiet dance of sound between barely-curved lips. His eyes were still on the kittens. “Aaron would not know what to do with a cat.”

“Neither do I.”

Andrew looked down at Neil then and his expression lost the smile but became... so much more intimate that Dan almost looked away. “No,” he said. “But you have me.”

Dan’s chest tightened and she had to physically lift a hand to cover her mouth. She could feel the imprint of her own smile against her fingertips.

“Yes or no, Drew?”

“Yes.”

Dan turned away as Andrew leaned down to kiss Neil, slipping quietly down the hall to rejoin Matt. Maybe they could afford to be a little late to dinner.

[codename-adler]

foxes + onesies (9/9)

based off of that one post i saw and don’t remember, where people once caught Allison wandering around Fox Tower in a giraffe onesie, and i absolutely melted for her. here is the Foxes’ journey to getting a onesie each!

Kevin

every Fox has bad days

some bad days begin with a specific feeling

when Andrew feels ghost hands as he wakes up, when he feels his body too tight for his bones, or hid bones too big for his body

when Neil feels every sound like a knife to his skin, when the scars on his face feel like phantom pains, when he feels a grown man moves too fast, too close to him

when Allison feels jeans cling too much to her thighs, when her shirt brushes too much on her abdomen, when she feels the food she ate resting in her stomach

some bad days begin with a specific date

when it’s the anniversary of Tilda’s death, and Aaron cannot be in the same room as Andrew, no matter how far they’ve come

when it’s the anniversary the Boyds’ divorce, and Matt can’t leave Dan’s side for one second, no matter how strong their relationship is

when it’s the anniversary of Mary’s death, of Evermore, of Nathaniel’s last birthday, of Baltimore, and Neil can’t take a single look at himself in the mirror, no matter how many times Andrew worships his face with his mouth and his fingers

or, when it’s the anniversary of Kayleigh Day’s death, and nobody remembers, not even Wymack, and Kevin is all alone with this grief that is other, unlike any other he carries everyday, unlike anything he can compare to, and he doesn’t know how to feel anymore

Kevin vividly remembers that day, and he sees it luring around the corner as August approaches

but this time, there is no more Riko to worry about, no more mafia to be scared of, no more Ravens to antagonize him, no more Master to punish him for even attempting to grieve every year

and no more alcohol to make him forget

Kevin quit drinking the day they won championship, they day Riko was killed died

it’s been a year and a half, now, and Kevin still wants to drink the minute things get hard mentally

(it’s also been a year and a half since the Foxes started getting onesies, but it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long, and only Allison remembers that summer where it all started)

so when Kevin enters his bad days, his bad weeks, the Foxes are used to his mood swinging back and forth between Queen of Assholery and Feral Fox

but Kevin isn’t

he isn’t used to feeling all of this, to always think, and think, and think, until everything inside his head is as loud as the outside, until it’s all too much

yet he’s still expected to go on

still supposed to function, to perform, to be a decent human being when he’s not even sure he even feels human anymore

and so when Kevin snaps, the Foxes are supposed to be used to it

they’re not

nobody is

it’s summer practice

the 9 Foxes came in early, before the two new recruits arrive

Kevin is in the middle of yelling at Neil, who is very much yelling back at him

there’s that moment very full of testosterone where each of them throw away their gloves and helmets and sticks

they’re an inch from each other’s face and then Kevin suddenly… stops

he completely stops

his face goes blank, his feet move him back, his arms go slack

he looks at Neil, and he looks, and looks, and looks…

as if he could find an answer to a question he doesn’t know he’s asking

Neil, who has never learned to watch his mouth after all the trouble it got him into, keeps tearing into Kevin

Kevin keeps backing up and Neil keeps pushing further

but apart from his backwards movement, Kevin doesn’t react

pure apathy doesn’t suit him nearly as well as it did Andrew

the other Foxes are so silent, that between two of Neil’s breaths, they can all hear him whisper

“Stop.”

but Neil doesn’t hear him, or doesn’t want to

it gets so out of control, even Wymack has to step in, on the court, when he sees Kevin so unresponsive

it gets so bad, eventually Neil, too, stops his yelling and just looks at Kevin

and he looks, and looks, and looks…

as if he could understand the question Kevin is asking an answer for with his pleading, green eyes

“Stop… Just- stop. I can’t- anymore… “

Kevin shakes his head and looks at the floor as hatred and hurt grip his guts

he takes another step back

suddenly he jerks his head back up and looks at Neil

“I hate you. God, I hate all of you.”

he looks at all his Foxes

then leaves

Kevin Day leaves the court

behind his back, he doesn’t see Matt holding back a furious yet teary-eyed Dan

he doesn’t see Renee leaving her goal to join Andrew’s side, her big racquet blocking his way

he doesn’t see Nicky putting his hand on Neil’s shoulder, squeezing in empathy

he doesn’t see Allison throwing away her racquet against the plexiglass wall with all that she’s got, fuming and hiding her tears

he doesn’t see Wymack matching over to Neil, a whole speech ready to give Neil his piece of mind

and he certainly doesn’t see Aaron collapsing to the ground, his hands holding his head and gripping his hair, his breaths shallow, his jaw clenched shut, his eyes dry yet red-rimmed

but from behind Kevin’s back, none of them see him either

they can’t see him losing his breath as he starts running away

they can’t see him clenching and unclenching his left hand

and they certainly can’t see him crying

the week that follows is undeniably tense between all the Foxes

that week also coincides with a lot of events

there’s the new Foxes’ arrival

there’s the start of classes

there’s the mandatory psych session with Betsy before Exy season starts

and there’s August 27th

Mom’s accident

Kevin remembers the day vividly, he truly does

he remembers because the week of the accident, he was supposed to start school for the first time, on September 1st

he had picked his outfit for the first day, he had new red Exy-themed shoes, he had even planned the lunch he wanted to have that day in his lunchbox (spaghetti squash casserole. yeah, weird kid.)

on August 27th, Mom didn’t come home

on August 27th, he went to the Moriyama property

on August 27th, he settled into a weirdly well-accommodated room that fit both him and Riko

on September 1st, he woke up with Riko and they prepared for their first day

on September 1st, Kevin wore his planned outfit, put on his red shoes

on September 1st, Kevin did not have spaghetti squash casserole

she left him nothing but an aversion for squash, red shoes, and Exy

which brings us as to why, on August 27th, as all the team is mandated to talk an hour with Betsy Dobson, Kevin Day volunteers to go first (with Aaron volunteering to go second and be the designated driver for the pair)

none of the Foxes have really talked to Kevin since the previous week’s outburst

Kevin has no other outlet for this painful day

it’s either talk to Betsy, or ruin 496 days of sobriety with one vodka bottle

the only words exchanged between Kevin and Aaron, on the drive to Reddin Medical Center, are, surprisingly, from Kevin

“Somebody should get you a new goddamn car.”

he doesn’t elaborate further than that, but Aaron looks at him strangely

his car really is garbage, though

once arrived at their destination, Kevin doesn’t wait for Aaron and bursts in Betsy’s office without warning

it takes at least half an hour of Betsy talking before Kevin gives up his silence

everything was already there, he just had to open his mouth and let his words fall

Kevin: I’ve been sober for 496 days. I’ve been thinking about my Mom’s anniversary for the past few weeks. That’s today, now. And last Friday, I told Neil, then the whole team, that I hated them. Care to unpack that for me?

Betsy: I can help you sort some things out, of course, Kevin. But this is your baggage. I’m afraid I can’t do this without your help. Why don’t you tell me more about this hatred you feel towards your teammates?

Kevin: I dont. Hate them. I don’t… I hate what they do to me. How they treat me. Their double standards. How they forget, how they dismiss. Mind you, I’m well aware of my asshole status. I know I am. But them… they’re… they’re mean. Vicious. They cut and stab and don’t care about what’s underneath. They don’t care that I helped them get the title of Champions. They don’t care that I was there every step of the way, that I was right there beside them when we played the Ravens, when we won. They don’t care that Riko died, that he once broke my hand, that I was legally kidnapped, that I went through hell and still lived to walk on my own two feet. They don’t care that I, too, once had a mom. They don’t care that my Mom died. They don’t care. To them, I’m still just a cunt. It’s unbearable. They don’t give a shit and I’m so, so tired, Betsy. I’m not asking for much. I just want… I want- I want them to let me breathe. I want them to realize that, I’m just like them. I’m a Fox. I’m a Fox as much as they are. I wake up everyday, and feel all this weight on my shoulders, in my stomach, on my heart, but I carry on anyways, and I don’t know why, but I do, just like them. Is that so hard to grasp? Is that so hard to accept? What am I doing wrong, Betsy?

Betsy: Oh, Kevin…

the rest of the session passes in a blur

Kevin talks about how every time he takes a photograph, he thinks of Kayleigh, of how brightly she smiles in all the photos Wymack has of her, of how he wishes he could take pictures of her with his own camera

Kevin talks about how every strong woman in the Irish folklore he reads about wears Kayleigh’s face

Kevin talks about how he thought Thea had been a bit like her, and how, in the end, she hadn’t been at all, she was her own woman, a woman he didn’t know and didn’t love, and how he thought he had lost a bit of Kayleigh again when they separated

Kevin talks

he talks

and Betsy listens

when his time is up, Kevin’s voice is hoarse with exhaustion and sadness

he lets Aaron in as he decides to take a run back to Fox Tower

his mind tries to guilt him into going back to the court, but between facing the Foxes after that and isolating himself in his dorm, Kevin knows what’s best for him

he is only disturbed in the late evening, when Wymack enters the dorm

even Neil, Andrew and Nicky hadn’t come back yet

Kevin knows something is wrong

Wymack isn’t supposed to be here

Wymack: Day… Listen, son.

Kevin sits up on his bed

Wymack: Argh, I’ll cut the bullshit. It’s Abby. There’s been an accident. Her car’s fucking scrap metal now. She was brought to the hospital 45 minutes ago, I just got the call. She’s going into surgery. We’ll all visit her in the morning.

Not again

Not Abby

What the fuck is this life?

Wymack: Number Seven wants to see you now. Don’t ask me why, I don’t wanna know. I’ll let her in, don’t make me regret this. Sleep good, son. I’ll see you tomorrow.

he opens the door, takes one last look at Kevin’s tense form, and leaves as Allison comes in

she’s wearing her giraffe onesie tied at the waist, with an oversized WALKER 09 t-shirt

she stands in front of Kevin until he looks up at her

Allison: Scoot over. We’re watching The Crown.

and Kevin, dumbfounded, lets her and moves

he finds himself quite intrigued by the storyline, enough to only worry about Abby with his fingers, fiddling with one of the giraffe’s horns

after the third or fourth episode, Allison starts to talk, eyeing Kevin’s fingers playing with her onesie

Allison: Wanna know the latest gossip? Even Andrew has a onesie, now. God, I can’t believe this is a sentence that exists. Andrew Minyard owns a fucking onesie. Do you know what that makes you?

Kevin stays silent, eyes fixed somewhere not quite on Ally’s laptop screen

Allison: That makes you the only Fox without one.

Kevin: Oh, so now I’m a Fox? Didn’t seem that way earlier. Or, like, ever.

the dealer chooses her next words very carefully

Allison: Just because we hadn’t seen it yet, just because we were too busy stuffing our heads up our asses, doesn’t mean you weren’t a Fox… I know, I know. Hard to feel like one when the others give you shit non-stop. Been there, done that. And now I’ve done it to you, too, and I’m… Sorry. We’re dysfunctional, there’s no changing that. But- We can do better. We’ll try, promise. I think you’ve made quite an impression on Betsy today, ‘cause we all received a good talk from her during our sessions. I mean, don’t expect Andrew running in to apologize, but, you know… Something about Betsy turning severe makes you re-evaluate your life choices. We’ll do better, Day.

Kevin looks at her, then

really looks at her

and nods

yet just as he turns his attention back to the screen, Allison leaves the Netflix page and googles “onesie adult”

Kevin: Oh, no. Absolutely not. Nope.

Allison: Oh, yes, yes, yessss!

but then, of course, there’s a knock at the door, and Allison gets up, opens the door, lets the person in, whispers something, and leaves

just like that

and oh

It’s Aaron

Aaron: So… Allison tells me you’re finally getting yourself one of those stupid pajamas too?

Kevin: I am not. What are you doing here anyway? The others will be back soon, I assume.

Aaron: Well, it’s my shift…

Kevin: Your what now?

Aaron: No, it’s not like that! We just… We thought you’d want some space because of… today… But then Abby… We didn’t want you to be alone.

Kevin: Really. Who’s “we”?

Aaron: The proud Palmetto State Foxes’ Exy team. All of them. You know, Dan, Matt, Renee, Allison, Andrew and Neil, Nicky… Me.

once again, Kevin can’t help but stare, deeply surprised

Aaron: Andrew and the others will be back for the whole night, but for now, it’s my turn. I wanted to take the first “watch”, but Allison said she had business to do with you. And I’m not getting in the way of that woman.

Kevin honest-to-God snorts

Kevin: If by “business” she meant bullying me into buying this onesie shit, then you should have gotten in her way. I’m not doing that. It’s fucking dumb.

Aaron: Hey!

Kevin: Aaron Minyard, don’t tell me you’ve participated in this madness…

Aaron: So what if I have? It wasn’t exactly on purpose, but I got one. And you don’t. So really, who’s dumb here?

Kevin: What is it??

Aaron: Not telling you.

Kevin: C’mon…

Aaron: Nope. You can’t bribe me. I’m not telling you shit. However, what I can telling you, is that it feels kinda wrong that we all have a pajama and you don’t…

Kevin: Oh my God, fine! What did the others get?

Aaron: Well, besides Ally’s giraffe, we got a tiger, a dinosaur, a teddy bear, you’ve seen Nicky’s unicorn nonsense, and I’m not quite sure about Andrew’s… Oh, and Neil’s is a fox, obviously. That predictable dumbass.

Kevin: Okay, well, I want a fox too.

Aaron: No, Kevin, you can’t.

Kevin: What? Why not!?

Aaron: Because. Neil’s already got a fox. Do you want to be a copycat AND a predictable dumbass?

and so until 1 AM, Kevin and Aaron bicker about each of Kevin’s suggestions (a Palmetto Foxes onesie, a USC Trojans onesie, an Irish-themed onesie, a white fox onesie, a gray fox onesie, and so on…)

when Andrew, Neil and Nicky come back into the dorm, Kevin’s almost laid all the way down on his bed, his head resting on Aaron’s elbow, as Aaron is sitting right next to him, laptop propped on a pillow and his fingers scrolling away

Aaron looks at Andrew, sighs, and looks at Kevin

they nod to each other, before Aaron gets up to go back to his dorm

Kevin sits up correctly when Aaaron is gone and Andrew approaches

Kevin pretends not to notice and googles one more idea, “brown fox onesie”

as he scrolls down and down and down, Andrew looks over his shoulder

and points at one picture

Andrew: That one. Now go to bed. We’re getting up at ass-o’clock tomorrow.

for the third time this evening, Kevin is shocked

he does look at Andrew’s pick attentively, though, and decides to go with it

that night, even if images of Abby covered in blood plague him for at least an hour, Kevin falls asleep to the memory of Aaron’s skin against his cheek, which somehow translates into dreams of Kayleigh resting both her hands on his cheeks as they sit in a field of wildflowers

a couple of weeks later, Kevin doesn’t tell the team his onesie has arrived

but he is forced to admit it when, for Halloween, they organize a huge party for themselves only, where they decided to wear their pajamas as costumes for the night

Kevin feels so stupid in his outfit

he even had to buy a LARGE because he’s so fucking tall

but it still feels… comfy… warm… not so bad…

maybe this can work for him…

it’s only when he steps into the girls’ living room that a problem arises

Aaron: What the fuck is this.

Kevin: Hum… A brown fox? Technically, Neil’s is orange, so you can’t shit on me!

Aaron: That- That’s not a fox, Kevin! What the fuck.

Kevin: Okay, well what are you then?? A mutant mouse?

Aaron: What are you- Oh my God, you don’t know what Pokemons are.

with that, Aaron turns around and yells for his twin

Aaron: ANDREW JOSEPH FUCKING MINYARD. YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE, DIDN’T YOU? YOU BASTARD.

he storms off yelling

Kevin only reunites with Aaron at the end of the night, on the girls’ balcony, both sober

Kevin: You know, for someone who pushed me so much to do this stupid thing, you’re not being very nice about it. I know you wanted me to be “original” or whatever, but it’s not like I look like Neil! Why are you so upset?

Aaron: Kevin. It’s not a fox.

Kevin: Oh for God sake’s Aaron, you-

Aaron: It’s a Pokemon, Kevin. They’re like little monsters, kind of, and it’s a videogame, but there’s anime, manga, and collectible cards and… I used to- I used to collect those. Before. I lost them, now, but see this? This is one of them. It’s the main Pokemon, actually. His name’s Pikachu.

Kevin: Okay… Who am I, then?

Aaron: You… You’re Eevee.

Kevin: And what’s “Eevee”…?

Aaron: Pikachu’s girlfriend.

and oh.

Oh.

Kevin: Andrew didn’t tell me… The little fucker. I thought- Sorry. I didn’t mean to be another pawn in one of Andrew’s little games. Why did he do that to you?

Aaron: I think you know why.

Kevin looked at Aaron

Aaron looked at Kevin

Kevin: Fuck.

Aaron: Yeah, that.

Kevin: What?

Aaron: Nothing!

Kevin: Aaron.

Aaron: Kevin.

Kevin slowly invaded Aaron’s space until his back touched the railing, and placed one hand on each side of the backliner

Aaron looked up at Kevin

Kevin looked down at Aaron

Kevin: Okay?

Aaron: Okay.

and Kevin grabbed Aaaron by the hoodie of his pajama, and pulled him close, closer, closer, closer, until their lips met, at last

it was a long-awaited kiss, a careful kiss, a kiss of home and yes and oh and warmth and safe

Kevin reluctantly pulled away and rested his forehead on top of Aaron’s, knowing they have very little time before the other Foxes found them snogging on the balcony like a goddamn cliché

Kevin: Aaron.

Aaron: Kevin.

Kevin: I’m gonna ask you something stupid, and you can’t punch me for it, okay?

Aaron: Fine, okay.

Kevin: Do you want to be the Pikachu… to my Eevee?

Aaron: YOU FUCKING MORON!

and with that, Kevin burst out laughing, as if the Foxes’ attention wasn’t already on them the second Aaron started yelling

Allison and Matt knowingly started whooping with their beers raised for a toast

Dan was facepalming hard, shaking her head, but smiling nonetheless

Renee smiled her genuine, angelic smile while clapping Nicky on the back as he choked on his drink

Neil, arms crossed, watched the scene unfold with contentment

and Andrew. Andrew had no reaction at all. at all.

he was looking at his nails, no knife in sight, no fucks given

which, in Andrew’s language, meant everything

and so that October 31st was one for the books, the books about the good days, the good feelings, the good memories

because the Foxes had those, too

Kevin Day had good days

Aaron Minyard had good days

Allison Reynolds and Renee Walker had good days

Dan Wilds and Matt Boyd had good days

Nicky Hemmick had good days

Neil Josten had good days

even Andrew Minyard had good days

God knows they deserve them

these onesies, as silly, as stupid, as corny, as childish as they may be, were a proof of that

a proof that the Palmetto State Foxes could be better, could do better, and could get better

[buriedinbaltimore]

I’ve seen some more discussion on Kevin being morally gray lately, specifically in these posts from palmett-hoes here and i-did here

Kevin was not only a victim, but also a participant in the fucked up hierarchy and abusive culture of the Nest. He benefited from his position as Riko’s second and one of the “sons of exy”. He didn’t have the power to stop or change anything, but that doesn’t make him less accountable for his part in it.

I think this concept is something that the books illustrate beautifully with the post-Drake confrontation between Andrew and Neil.

Neil was just trying to help Nicky out by getting Andrew to agree to dinner. He had no way of knowing or even suspecting what would happen. But Andrew still points out that his actions led to the attack.

And Neil turns around and points out that Andrew didn’t stop Drake from preying on other kids. Andrew was in juvie, he tried to get Luther to stop Cass from taking in more kids, he did what all he thought he could at the time. And yet, he still has some responsibility.

When someone asked Nora about that exchange she points out;

Andrew understands the difference between assigning blame & blaming someone. He can tell Neil You had a hand in this without meaning You did this to me. He isn’t holding Neil personally accountable for what happened to him, but that doesn’t mean Neil didn’t play some part in the tragedy.

So back to Kevin, I think it is important to consider how his time in the nest and everything it entailed affected him and at the same time not dismiss or forget where he might have had a hand in things. Because I don’t think Kevin will ever be able to forget, and it’s as much a part of his character as all his other trauma.

We get tiny glimpses in canon of Kevin dealing with it. After Renee rescues Jean, Neil convinces Kevin to talk to him by reminding him;

"You already walked away from him once knowing what Riko would do to him in your absence. Don't do it again. If you don't protect him now, his death is on you."

Later in that scene Neil tells Kevin that he is more afraid of losing everything than the consequences that may come from holding on.

"I don't understand." "You do, or you wouldn't have trusted Andrew and Coach in the first place. Problem is you put yourself in their hands and refused to commit any further than that. You think Riko will hurt you for your defiance, so you're afraid to step too far out of line. But this middle ground won't save you forever.”

Kevin survived in the Nest by managing to stay in that middle ground, he protected people when he could*, but he never defied Riko. He was there for everything Riko did to Jean, he stood by Riko’s side through all of it. It wasn’t his choice, and he couldn’t have stopped it without risking his own safety, but he was there. Now that he is no longer in the Nest he needs to come to terms with his past or else he’ll never be able to move forward.

*so I inferred this from one line in canon that always intrigues me but I’ve never seen discussed. My thoughts on it kinda tie into the discussion of Kevin being morally gray, and since we’re already here…

After Kathy’s show, Riko is telling Kevin he should get rid of Neil and Kevin says he as potential (this is before Riko knows who Neil really is). Riko responds with;

"You said that goalkeeper had potential and then wrote him off as useless when I offered him to you. You'll get bored of this one just as quickly. Believe me."

Which I take to mean that after Andrew refused to join the Ravens, Riko offered to do something to force Andrew to sign, and Kevin called him off. There are so many ways that could be interpreted, but I tend to believe his reasons were because

A) Kevin really believed it wouldn’t be worth it to them. Andrew’s strength of character, stubbornness, and lack of care for his own well being would have made it nearly impossible to break him into playing the way they’d want him to. (Kevin would have figured that out from the research they did on him & their meeting)

and

B) Kevin was trying to protect Andrew from whatever Riko planned. He already had to witness all the cruelty and abuse that Riko put Jean and the other Ravens through, but Kevin had no control over that. Jean was property and the Ravens had all signed up for the team and could theoretically quit at any time. He was the one who wanted to recruit Andrew, Andrew didn’t want to join, so if Riko forced him on to the team it would be all because of Kevin, and any abuse Andrew would face would be Kevin’s fault.

Now it would be easy to focus on B, Kevin’s guilt and compassion, because A is a cold-hearted calculation about Andrew’s value. In a cost-benefit analysis of the effort it would take to get Andrew’s playing up to scratch and how much it would actually improve the team, it’s not worth it for the Ravens to put so much into one player. Kevin writes him off as a waste, unusable to him. Seems pretty cruel for a man who later promised to give Andrew’s something to build his life around.

But, if Kevin didn’t have that understanding of both Andrew’s strength and potential, he never would have trusted him to protect him. He wouldn’t have believed that Andrew could stand up to Riko, and possibly more importantly, he wouldn’t have had something to work towards after Riko broke his hand. Because while it may not have been worth it to whip Andrew into shape for the Ravens, the difference Andrew’s talent made to the Foxes was huge. Kevin latches on to Andrew’s potential as his own way back to exy. The other Foxes weren’t worth his time, but Andrew was. 

If all that is true, why even believe that Kevin cared about Andrew at all? He was just using him for his own gain, right? Well, first, when Kevin called Riko off he had no reason to believe that he would ever need Andrew’s help. He went to PSU for Wymack, not Andrew, and their deal and everything that came after pretty much came down to right-place right-time kismet.

At the time Riko made the offer, it probably was less about Andrew as a person and more about Kevin not wanting to feel responsible for putting anyone else in Riko’s sights. We saw with Kevin’s reactions to Neil how he could be caring and compassionate and even to a degree self-sacrificing. When he finds out the truth about who Neil is, he tells him to run away and save himself, even though that would cost the Foxes the season, in which case he would be extremely vulnerable to going back to Edgar Allen. When Neil comes back from winter break he offers to talk about his experience with him. And even in the scene this is all about, after Kathy’s show, Riko goes to grab Neil and Kevin stops him, getting elbowed in the face before Andrew shows up.

Without considering both A and B, you don’t get a full picture of Kevin’s character.

[simonsrosebud]

Kevin's first real christmas with dalton!!

kevin says he’s celebrated christmas before, but it’s not true.

sophomore year he spent it locked in wymack’s apartment with a broken hand and ongoing anxiety attacks.

junior year he went to new york with matt and nicky and the others which was weird because they didn’t actually do anything christmas-y and he was drunk for a lot of the trip.

and last year he had dinner with abby, his father, and andrew and neil.  but then neil was having a panic attack because this time the year before he was at evermore.  they left early and kevin ducked out because he didn’t want to intrude.  

then he spent the whole next few days panicking over meeting dalton’s family.

this year, his last year at palmetto, dalton asks if he wants to spend christmas in maryland with him and his family.

there’s no question, of course he’s going.

dalton tells him when they’re at the mall about all the things they do, and how they’ll go to new york again if he’s okay with it.  and then, “what do you guys normally do for the holidays?”

kevin freezes.  he thumbs at a shirt on the rack in front of him.  “uh... last year me neil and andrew had dinner with my father and abby, but neil was having some ptsd relating to this time of year, so it was kind of a mess...”

“that sucks.  for him, i mean.”

“yeah.”  he nods.  it does suck, and kevin still blames himself.  “and the year before i went to new york with the team to matt’s dads place, but i was drunk most of the time,” he mumbles.

dalton feels like an idiot for asking, “and before?”

kevin shakes his head.  broken hand.

“we ran practices every day of break at the nest.  never celebrated any holidays growing up.”

he did have one thing he did every year.  he lit a candle for his mother.  he didn’t realize it until his first christmas away from the nest, when he was hidden at wymack’s apartment and noticed the man didn’t have a single candle lying around.

he sparked wymack’s lighter and sent up a quick prayer instead.

dalton slides up to his side and wraps an arm around his waist.  “i’ve got to impress you this year, then.”

“the bars set pretty low.”

when dalton’s on the phone with his mom that night, he tells her about kevin’s lack of experience with the holidays.  “have you done the tree yet?”

“i was planning on doing it tomorrow, why?”

“do you think we could wait and do it all together when me and kev are there?”  he hesitates.  “he’s never really celebrated christmas and done the typical traditions, and i know he wants to cause his mom used to.”

anne’s heart wants to break a little.  “i’ll save it until you get home.  and he’ll be here in time to make cookies, too.”  oh boy.  “you guys can go ice skating if that one place does it again- you know the one, and uh... should we get him a stocking?”

“me and bella got him a present!”

“is that carm?”

“yes!”  she steals her mothers phone.  “he always pays for things for us when he’s here so we got him this peanut butter sampler pack and an ocean city maryland crewneck.”

dalton pouts, but only because it’s cute to him that they did that for his boy.

when they drive up, dalton’s family welcomes him like they haven’t seen him in years, and it makes kevin smile every time.  they don’t get in until late, but bella still peeks into dalton’s room once they’re in bed for the night.  “did you bring your racquet?”

kevin’s got his eyes closed, he’s tucked underneath dalton’s big comforter and arm with an ankle thrown over his boyfriend’s.  he hums a yes.

dalton grumbles.  “shut the door, bella.”  and tugs the blanket up to his chin.

they wake up earlier than they’d like.  anne and george are at work, and the girls are still asleep.  he has dalton at his back and an arm holding him close.

kevin doesn’t ever want to move.

he only does when dalton’s phone alarm goes off.  “what’s that for?”  he groans.  dalton reaches over him to shut it off and drapes his arm and leg right back over kevin.

dalton’s voice is muffled.  “shopping day.”

oh fuck.  he knew d had said something about shopping yesterday.

it takes them another half hour to get up, and kevin hates the mall to begin with, but this is unbearable.  he’s just lucky they’re there a week out and not the day before christmas eve.

kevin stops.  they’re in a clothing store, and he’s wandered to the women’s side.  he sends a few pictures to allison, and when dalton come over he holds up a fuzzy bomber jacket and an oversized jean jacket.  “for the girls?”

“i already got their gifts.”

“but from me?”

“oh.”  dalton smiles.  “then absolutely.  did you already text allison?”  he’s joking, but laughs when kev shrugs because that’s so a yes.

anne has the family decorate the tree that night after dinner- takeout, and kevin is kind of in heaven looking through dalton’s ornaments from when he was a child.

“you wanna put the star on top?”

their ceilings are high enough for them to have a fake tree tall enough for kevin to not be able to reach, which is definitely a first for him.

so instead, he gets on dalton’s shoulders.

after they’re done, anne sits next to kevin on the sofa.  “you know, i never did the thing where i show you all of dalton’s baby pictures, but i did find this yesterday.”

and kevin turns to look at the book in her lap, and smirks.  “no way.”  

it’s a small book, with all of dalton’s school picture day photo’s going back to kindergarten.  “this is better, i think.”

dalton stops, and lets his head roll back.  “can we not?”

“no, we can.”  kevin takes the book and opens it up to a random page.

“you’re not allowed to mention the braces.”

“but they’re so bad!”

christmas eve is fun.

kevin is no cook, dalton is and even then that’s saying something, but anne puts kevin to work after he’s up in the morning.  they’ve got a lot of family coming over around six, and she needs help in the kitchen.

he’s doing pretty alright, he thinks, and his face lights up when anne tastes a bit and pats his arm.  “that’s really good.”  it’s a passing thought, and she leaves right after to make a run to get more of something at the store.

but when dalton comes back from the alcohol run, kevin’s plenty proud of it anyway.

and then, because he’s already dirty from cooking anyway, he helps dalton’s father with stuffing the turkey.  “you actually stuff it?”

he knows it’s called stuffing, but he’s never actually seen it prepared.  or eaten it, he doesn’t think.  abby doesn’t make it for thanksgiving or anything because only she and nicky typically eat it.  it goes to waste.

george nods.  “stick your hands up there, kid.”

kevin lowers his stare to dalton just sitting there across the table.  he grins.  “you’re doing great, babe.”

kevin takes a shower after he’s done while the others do what else needs to be done.

once dalton’s family starts filtering into the house it’s a little chaotic.  in a good way, opposed to the way that he typically knows chaotic to be.

he’s fine, really, once he gets used to it.

at this point they all know who exactly dalton’s boyfriend is, but kevin only recognizes a few faces so he still gets the excited introductions from the few that are fans.

two of them are younger kids, anyway, so that’s at least entertaining and cute.

dalton comes to stand with kevin and his cousin.  “can i steal him for a sec?”  he takes him by the hand to the other room where the two younger cousins are lounging.  “dessert is out, guys.”

they go running out of the room.

“that was cruel,” kevin says, but then dalton is holding something above their heads and-

oh

mistletoe.

“are you sure?”

kevin smiles.  “i take it back.”  and pulls dalton in.

dalton grins against his lips, and after a moment pulls away just a bit.  “that’s not actually why i pulled you away, but i got lucky.”

kevin kisses him again, because he can, and dalton turns.  there’s a ledge above the unused fireplace that his mom usually uses for picture frames, but there’s a candle in the middle, now.

“you’ve told me about lighting a candle for your mom, and i figured maybe you’d still want to do it even though you’re here this year.”

he definitely does, and dalton presents him with a lighter when he nods.  kevin lights it silently, and watches it for a moment.  “thank you,” he says quietly.  “i know you listen, but i didn’t expect that...”  he wraps his arms around dalton’s waist.  “it’s really nice.”

“yeah, well, i’ve got to impress her.”  he kisses the top of kevin’s head.

christmas morning, kevin looks surprised when bella says “kevin’s turn” because he really isn’t expecting to get gifts.  he has money, he doesn’t need anything.

but then he opens the peanut butter sampler package, and after taking a moment to read it he starts to smile to himself.  “i love peanut butter.”  it’s almost a whisper, but it makes everyone laugh and sends warmth through his chest.

he hugs the box to his chest.  dalton hugs him from the side for a moment, and then kevin gets more surprised because dalton’s parents are handing him a bigger box and oh my god it’s a little portable mixer for his shakes and a nike gift card.

he and dalton do their gifts alone.

dalton gets him a big chunky weighted blanket and a new pair of sneakers that he’s been eyeing for weeks, and then kevin unwraps a small frame.  and in the middle is the ticket to the first game of kevin’s that he’d gone too, with a heart drawn on the corner so many times that it’d been indented the ticket.

he remembers teasing him about the heart, but he never knew he kept the ticket all this time.

kevin tackles him from where they’re sitting on the bed.  “i love it, and you.”

kevin gets dalton airpods, sweatpants that say “my boyfriend likes my tramp stamp” on the butt as a joke, and a box of his favorite coffee k-cups from a brand that supposedly stopped selling them months ago.

and last, a thin gold necklace, long enough to tuck under his shirt like he used to do with his cross necklace until it broke.  except this one has a small “k+d” hanging.

dalton’s smiling down at it, and rubs the charm.  he pouts and looks up at kevin.  “you got this made?”  he nods.  “can you put it on me?”

he nods, and drapes it around his neck to clasp it.  he presses a kiss to the back of dalton’s neck when he’s done, and dalton kisses him when he twists around.

“i love you.”  he wraps his arms around kevin’s neck and leans into him.  kevin lies down on his back so dalton’s on top of him.  he thumbs at the necklace hanging.

“looks good on you.”

dalton kisses him.  “i know.”

they have dinner at dalton’s aunts house.  it’s just her, her husband, and her two kids, so it’s nothing like the night before.

wymack calls just after dinner.  “merry christmas.  what are you doing?”

“merry christmas, we just ate, we’re at his aunt’s house.”

“everything going good?  no problems?”

he glances through the doorway at dalton at the table and smiles to himself.  “no problems.”

[jemej3m]

a comprehensive set of rules (p.2)

i have no control over my writing schedule. it has been completely consumed by this au. this is all of y’all’s fault. 

heavy tw: blood and gore and bodies. also, bad people talking about raping allison and using homophobic slurs.

*

July:

“Andrew,” Renee called out, rapping her knuckles on the guest bedroom gently. 

Andrew was currently living out of one, black suitcase: he’d spent half his time at different hotels and half his time at colleagues’ homes, though calling Allison a colleague was a bit of a stretch. Wymack had let him camp out in his girlfriend’s spare room, seeing as his place was apparently too small for the both of them. Dan and Matt had even let him crash on the couch between motel rooms. 

Andrew was really fucking excited to get his place back. According to Neil, his father was pulling out all stops to get rid of him, or whoever was aiding him. As far as Andrew was concerned, Neil was in more danger, but the man refused to exonerate himself from the situation. The next best thing was ensuring that Andrew was untouchable. 

“Andrew, can I come in?” 

Andrew grunted, still bent over his files in the middle of the room. He’d pushed the bed to one side to make room and was suddenly shirtless, fan pulsating in the corner. He never did great in the heat. 

“Oh,” Neil’s voice squeaked like an elementary schooler’s clarinet. “Uh - I can come back?”

Andrew squinted up at him. “The fuck are you doing here?” he got to his feet and made his way over, reaching up to tug on Neil’s hair. Definitely real. “Huh.” 

Behind Neil, Renee snorted. Andrew glared at her: she put up her hands in surrender and paced off to do something else. 

Andrew shuffled Neil into his room and shut the door, treading carefully around his work. 

“This...” Neil looked over it, carefully avoiding the many photos and files and labelled evidence bags as he walked. He was silent as he moved, unnoticeable if he wasn’t always on Andrew’s radar. 

He also looked much more presentable than the last time Andrew had seen him, which had been before Dimaccio was arrested. A button-down, much like he wore when they first went to dinner. The collar was irritatingly popped, and his trousers were properly pressed, the shoes delicately shined. He looked like a rich man’s son. 

Andrew hated it. He also hated how good it looked.

“Sit on the bed,” Andrew instructed. “I don’t need you scuffing anything up.”

“This seems like a lot more than what’s necessary,” Neil said, avoiding looking at Andrew as he tugged on a shirt. “Also a lot more than we originally discussed.”

Andrew pointed at the profile of a smiling woman, and various other men. “Williams. Reacher. Jenkins. The three of them worked tirelessly on gang violence. They completely eradicated the Terrapin family from the game. Countless Bearcats and Catamounts have been locked up by them. But as soon as they turned to the Wesninski family, they were never found again. Three different detectives. Almost three consecutive years. They deserve justice too.” 

Neil was, clearly, not expecting to have to put names and families to the bodies his father had diced and scattered. His expression had become shuttered as Andrew talked, fingers curling into tight fists, the fabric of his trousers ensnared between his whitened knuckles. 

"You’re afraid.” 

Neil looked at him, eyes blazing. “He is all I’m afraid of. I can’t just - turn that off.”

Andrew crouched down on the floor in front of him. “You’re allowed to be afraid. You have to promise me that you won’t run away because of it.”

Neil’s shoulders were curled inwards. “I don’t want to become him. I don’t -” he looked at the photos of the officers and the remnants of their bodies and the ruination caused by his father’s work. “I don’t want that. I don’t.”

“So leave it behind.”

Neil grit his teeth. “I can’t! Look at me. Look at me. You think this is my father? Parading me around at events, trying to find me a wife who can bear my child, tracking my every move? Of course it’s not. My father is someone else’s weapon, a well-enamoured thug at best. He’s a Baltimorean gangster. He’s not the one in control here.”

Andrew put his hand over Neil’s wrist and let him breathe for a moment. 

“They know that he’s fucked,” Neil continued, eyes squeezed shut. “They know they’re going to lose him. So I’m being conditioned. I’m being shaped up to replace him. You know I’ve been in New York for the past two weeks?” He shoved his hair out of his eyes. Andrew opened his palm upwards, and Neil let himself tangle their fingers. “I want to escape my fate so badly, but my family has been indentured to them for - I don’t even know. Forever, it seems like.”

“Who, Neil?” 

He let out an aggravated sigh. “Who else controls enough of the east coast to keep the fucking Butcher in check? It’s the bloody Moriyamas.” Andrew stiffened. “If you breathe that name outside this room, I’m dead. You’re dead. Everyone you ever loved will die. They’re so well protected that the crazy second son can go off and do whatever he likes, including training to be a police officer and almost killing the partner he’s given, but it doesn’t even matter. It’s hushed up within the week.” 

He held tight onto Andrew’s hand. “The best I can hope for is a negotiation. A price that I can pay off in - a decade, maybe. Possibly two. Maybe securing a new family to pass the relationship to. I don’t know.” 

“Then that’s what you do,” Andrew vowed. “We deal with the monster under the bed first. Then the basement that lets them out. Don’t run,” Andrew insisted, his hand having worked its way up Neil’s arm to grip the back of his neck. “Don’t hide. You can’t afford to, not now.”

Neil rested their foreheads together. “I’ll try.”

Andrew’s thumb brushed circles under Neil’s jaw. “That’s all I ask.”

*

Breaking news: Nathan Wesninski being brought to court for multiple homicides, including Baltimore police officers and Mary Hatford, his wife...initially being assessed for money laundering and tax evasion, Wesninski is now being persecuted for multiple acts of violence, mutilation and extortion. Police officers under Captain David Wymack have collated resources and new-found evidence and will attempt to put Wesninski behind bars permanently.

*

August: 

Andrew’s heart was pounding. They’d tapped into comms just over an hour ago, received the corresponding telephone data and locations, and now they were paging the block. 

It was eerily quiet, and too dark for a suburban area. The cul-de-sac had no streetlights and all the houses were either empty, with for sale! signs posted on their laws, or all the blinds were drawn closed. It was only nine in the evening. 

Andrew took out his gun as they approached the house. Renee was at his shoulder. 

The house in question was two-storey, seemingly empty, the garage locked shut. The gardens were immaculately kept, the painted finish on the house brand new. God knows what was happening within: Andrew hoped that whatever mess had been made within wasn’t irreparable. 

Andrew’s radio cackled. “How do you want to go about this, Minyard?” 

Andrew cracked his knuckles and fished out his lock picks from his back pocket as he radioed back. “Silent entry. I’m going to unlock the door, and only our squad heads in. Everyone else surround the premises if they notice and escape.”

“Alright, sarge,” Matt said, jokingly, a few feet behind Renee. Dan must have pinched him because he immediate said “Ow!” 

Andrew and Renee crept up onto the front balcony: Andrew crouched down and worked for about two minutes till the lock had opened. Kevin had already phoned the security firm to let down the alarms, so Andrew and Renee stepped inside, unnoticed. Dan, Matt and Kevin dispersed, but Andrew always headed to the basement. 

The light was on. 

“...We should get back to Junior,” one voice said. “God knows he’s probably slipped free by now.”

“You kidding? We had him practically halfway into a coffin. Let’s just clean this up first.”

“Maybe pretty Alli’s woken up. If Junior wasn’t so fervently protective of her I’d’ve had her bent over by now.” 

“Christ, Romero." But the man was laughing. “Maybe now’s your chance.”

Disgust crawled down his spine. He glanced at Renee, just as they approached the doorway: she had her eyes closed momentarily, lips moving with a prayer. The door was left ajar. 

One, he mouthed. 

“Didn’t think boss had the guts to get rid of little Junior.”

Two, she returned. 

“Maybe he liked that bitch of a wife, after all. He could’ve had a kid with Lola and gotten rid of the pathetic faggot, but he stuck by Nathaniel anyway.”

Three, they both nodded, kicking the door wide open with his foot and grasping his gun in both hands. 

“Hands up,” he growled. “Drop whatever you’re holding.”

“Kneel,” Renee said, softly. “We will shoot you if you don’t comply.”

Neither of the men had guns. They dropped their knives to the ground and knelt down, furious. By them was a body, heavily dismembered. The hair was neither auburn nor blonde.

“Basement,” Andrew barked into his radio, training his gun on the one he recognised as Romero. His hands were limp, twitching by his sides. Andrew wanted to cut them from his body and watch him bleed. 

The other three skidded into the room, guns ready. 

“Go find them,” Renee murmured, under the cacophony of Dan and Kevin wrangling the perps to the ground, Matt kneeling by the body. “Andrew, go.” 

He nodded stiffly, falling back. Up the stairs and to the left was the door to the garage, which he kicked down. Switching the lights on, he looked to the two persons still on the floor, tied up and beaten down. 

“Andrew,” Neil gasped, covered in blood and cuffed at the wrists and ankles. Allison seemed alright, if a bit groggy, with a gag in her mouth and her hands tied behind her. 

Andrew grabbed the hedge clippers from the wall of gardening tools and broke through the handcuffs, cutting Allison’s rope bindings and tugging off her gag. 

“Perps restrained, fall in through the front,” Dan said through the radio. “Victim dead. Get a stretcher: Forensics team definitely not necessary.” 

“We can’t be found here,” Allison hissed. “We can’t be brought in.”

“Jesus Christ,” Andrew muttered, fishing the keys to his cousin’s place out of his pocket. “Fine. If you can get him on his feet,” he jerked his head to Neil, who muttered I’m fine. “Go to Nicky’s place. I’ll meet you there later. Unless you need a hospital?”

“It’s all superficial,” Neil mumbled, wincing. Andrew felt concern curl and knot in his stomach. He looked to Allison. 

“Maybe you should do a first-aid cert.”

“Maybe that’s not a half bad idea,” she grunted, hauling Neil to his feet. 

“The back should be clear of cops now,” Andrew said, cutting through the padlock on the garage door. “Get out.”

“Good to see you too, Minyard,” Allison drawled, pulling Neil along. With a wink, they were both gone. 

Andrew rubbed at his temples, giving himself only a minute of reprieve, before heading back into the fray. 

*

Nicky’s house was cold and dark. The two of them had been on a spontaneous trip around Europe for the last few months, visiting Erik’s family. Nicky wasn’t stupid: when Andrew offered him this and that, he took it without question and knew there was a reason why.

“When I get back,” he insisted over the phone. “When I get back the three of us are visiting Aaron. Got it?”

“Fine,” Andrew had grunted, hanging up on his cousin without a goodbye. 

Neil had parked himself on the couch, staring at the ceiling with square bandages across his cheeks. Bruises mottled his skin, and his hands and forearms were mummified in a similar fashion. 

“I was going to try and contact you,” Neil said, not needing to see Andrew to know who’d entered the house. “I would’ve called you.”

Andrew sat on the end of the couch as Neil drew his feet up to give him room. “Right.”

The man struggled into a seated position. “I was.” 

“Should’ve let them kill you,” Andrew muttered, glaring at the unused television. Neil snorted, swinging his legs off the couch and settling next to Andrew. 

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” 

“Just - shut up.” 

For a while they sat in silence. Andrew lit up a cigarette and smoked it through to the filter. Neil seemed to lean a little closer, attracted to the scent. 

“Hey,” he murmured, when Andrew threw the stub onto the coffee table. 

Andrew turned and looked at him. His eyes were clear, purposeful. Andrew remembered their first date, their second. Cleavers and thugs and light, candle light and club lights, striping across Neil’s cheekbones like something from a painting. 

Kissing him felt - 

Normal. Right. Like coming home. Like finding - not the last piece of the puzzle, but the last edge, making a solid shape to be filled in, something clear and decisive. Andrew’s fingertips found his jaw and he felt Neil’s fingers curl in the collar of his vest. His police vest. 

It was enough to draw him to a stop, pulling back just enough for him to breathe. 

“You don’t swing,” Andrew accused, poorly hiding how winded he was.

Neil huffed, equally as breathless. “You don’t date.” 

Andrew’s teeth ground together. “You don’t date cops.” 

“And you don’t date mobsters,” Neil retorted. “What’s your point here?” 

“Yes or no?” Andrew demanded, because he needed to know. He needed to know for sure. Without a doubt, with complete surety, with perfect clarity - 

“Yes,” Neil answered. “Obviously.” 

“‘Obviously’,” Andrew parroted with a scoff. “I hate you.” 

When Neil’s lips curved up into a smile, Andrew kissed him quiet. 

*

September: 

“You know I’ve got a week off, after next week,” Andrew said, trailing his fingers over the threadbare t-shirt that Neil wore. He said ‘next week’ and not ‘Nathan’s trial’. They’d both come to an agreement that where they could avoid talking about it, they would. 

It was out of Andrew’s hands, anyway. All the evidence was with the prosecutor, and it was their job to put him behind bars. 

There was no way Nathan Wesninski was getting out, now. Not a single chance. 

Which meant there was no reason to talk about it. Or about Neil’s future inheritance of his father’s position, or Andrew’s award of recognition for his work. Which felt rather cheap, really - he was just lucky that Neil had decided to give him a second chance. 

Then again, policing was mostly luck, and a bit of charisma. Andrew was usually lacking in both, but right now, in the golden afternoon sunlight, with Neil in shorts and unkempt hair, he felt incredibly lucky. 

Neil craned his head back to look at Andrew. His new scars were bright red, but healed over at this point. “Just Chicago?” 

Andrew hummed assent, closing his eyes and pressing his nose to the crown of Neil’s head. Casual intimacy had always been - too much. Too soft, too nice, like it was covering up something sinister. Never had Andrew felt so relaxed, not even after sex, which usually resulted in Andrew grabbing his shirt, shoes, phone and wallet and leaving immediately. 

And they hadn’t had sex yet. Andrew didn’t know if Neil would ever want to have sex. That was - unsurprisingly - not the most important thing on Andrew’s list of wants and needs. 

Instead, here he was, lying on his back in Nicky’s guest bedroom. Neil was lying next to him, on his side, head cushioned on Andrew’s shoulder. And he did want this. He’d been tied up and exhausted for months: now it was all coming to its peak, the finish line right around the corner. And they were - okay. Ish. Maybe. Probably. Andrew wasn’t peeved about it. 

“Don’t die whilst I’m gone,” Andrew muttered, fingers threading through his hair. 

“I have to go to New York, anyway,” Neil said, sullen. “Might as well do it whilst you’re away.” 

“How many times are they going to pull you up there?”

“Till they’re confident I won’t screw everything up in the change-over, I guess. Or maybe it’s about the wife thing.” 

Something in Andrew’s chest twisted. He simply hummed. 

Neil shifted, propping himself up on his elbow to look at Andrew properly. “You know I’m not going to go through with it, right?”

“And if they threaten you?” Andrew reminded him. “Your life isn’t exactly yours.”

“Fuck them,” Neil said as he leaned forward, forever antagonistic. Andrew sighed: Neil paused. “No?”

“Yes,” he muttered, pulling Neil down. One hand brushed along the slither of exposed skin that revealed itself as Neil’s shirt rose up: Andrew relished in the shiver that flitted across Neil’s skin. His scarred fingers - covered in circular burns from a dashboard lighter and various scratch ridges - felt familiar and known when Andrew guided them to the back of his head. Neil was careful, as always.

Andrew had intended on asking when the hell Neil had heard about Andrew’s past, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to know. He didn’t want to talk about it now, anyway.

Just as Neil let Andrew push his shoulder back, following him over to kiss him into the mattress, Allison’s nails tapped impatiently on the bedroom door. Andrew broke away, startled, just as Neil cursed, sitting up. 

“Yes, Allison?” Neil demanded, clearing his throat. “What is it?”

“You sound odd,” Allison remarked, door handle turning. 

“Uh - !” Neil scrambled off the bed, looking to Andrew with wild eyes. “I’m - naked! Don’t come in.”

“Right,” Allison drawled. “Should I just wait in my room for him to leave, then?”

“I hate you,” Neil complained. “What do you want?” 

“Andrew’s phone was going off in the kitchen,” Allison said, slyly. “Sounds like the prosecuting lawyer wants some of your time, Andrew. Nice of you to glide by without saying hello.”

“I’m busy,” Andrew retorted. 

Allison just laughed, strutting down the corridor with her heels tapping on the wooden floorboards. Neil crossed his arms, red-faced. 

“C’mere,” Andrew said, still sitting on the bed. 

“But Thea,” Neil tried. 

“The law can wait,” Andrew insisted, extending his hand.

The look in Neil’s eyes sent sparks flying across Andrew’s skin. 

*

“Took you long enough,” Thea Muldani said, a master of clipboards and abridged glares. She was a lawyer worth Andrew’s time, he knew that, but he also didn’t feel like putting up with Kevin’s heart-eyes or Renee’s unsubtle glances. 

Jesus Christ, he thought, slamming his bag on the table hard enough to cause everyone to jolt. “I’m here, now.” 

“Congratulations,” Thea remarked. “Don’t care. We have a problem.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes. 

“Nathan Junior’s prints are all over a tonne of this evidence. If we don’t have him accounted for, defence is going to be all over it.”

“Are you serious?” Dan demanded. “Nathaniel would’ve been 15 when Mary was murdered.” 

“Doesn’t matter. If the evidence has been tampered with, it could be rendered useless. It would be extremely helpful,” Thea said pointedly. “If people’s CI’s could come forward and testify. We have almost no witnesses, except for Andrew and Renee, who claimed that Jackson Plank and Romero Malcom were acting on orders from Nathan whilst murdering Janie Smalls, last month. Neither of them will confess to any sort of collaboration with Wesninski, and two unidentified blood sources were found in the garage.”

“That sounds like circumstantial bullshit,” Dan argued. 

“And can we prove them wrong?” Thea shot back. “No. We can’t. For all we know, it’s been Nathaniel behind all of this instead. He’s certainly old enough now.”

Andrew stood out of his chair, grabbed his things and turned to leave. 

The lawyer gave him an appraising look. “I haven’t dismissed this meeting, Minyard.”

“I don’t care,” Andrew said. “If you won’t do your job, then I suppose I’d better go and fucking do it for you.” 

“It’s Thursday,” Thea reminded him. “Case starts on Monday.”

Andrew ignored her, making sure to slam the door on the way out. 

*

Romero Malcom was a sullen man. His skin was papery thin, even only a few weeks into his prison stay. Andrew couldn’t say that he pitied him. He sat down with his cup of coffee, leaning back in his chair with his leg crossed at the ankle. Romero was locked to the interrogation table opposite, shoulders curled in, fingernails scratching against the table top. 

Trying to get a rise. It wouldn’t work. 

“Honestly, between you and your sister, you seemed like the more rational one,” Andrew said, eyebrow arched. He put his coffee down and opened up his file. “Did you think about how your lifestyle had an expiry often? Nathan had Dimaccio as his right-hand man, but kept Lola as his carefully concealed weapon. You and Plank seemed just like...more prized cannon-fodder.”

Romero’s eye twitched. 

“You know, you said something that caught my interest,” Andrew leaned forward. “You said you’d’ve fucked Nathaniel Wesninski’s friend. What was her name?”

“Allison,” he said. 

“Right. You said you’d intended to rape her.”

“No wonder you’re so hung up on it, Doe,” Romero sneered. So they’d all done their research. “Well I didn’t, did I? Not that she’s shown up. She knows Nathan’ll kill her. He’s pretty sure she’s the rat.”

“Do you think she is?” Andrew inquired. “Mind you: I know who the rat is, and you don’t.”

“I think she’s the rat.” Romero sneered. “Princess bitch won’t be loyal to nothing but herself.”

“Which was why he asked you to kill her. She’d betrayed you all.” 

“We didn’t kill her.”

“No, but you were going to. He wanted you to kill all three of them.” 

“It was probably Junior that called the cops on us,” Romero scoffed. Andrew’s jaw ticked. “Fucking brat. It was about time.”

“About time for what?”

“To get rid of him.” Romero rolled his eyes. “Not that Plank could manage that, either. Useless. But Nathan gave us the call. We were waiting for it, honestly. Killing off Junior meant there was more of an incentive to keep Nathan out of jail. Otherwise there’s no other options.”

Moriyamas, Andrew thought, but he had no interest in involving them. “So Nathan called the two of you, ordered you to get rid of Allison and Nathaniel.”

“He didn’t want them showing their faces and causing trouble.” 

“So why Janie?”

“Wrong place, wrong time,” Romero laughed. It sounded like rusted truck breaks. Andrew was very close to knocking the scalding coffee onto exposed skin. 

“Nathan probably ain’t happy,” Andrew amended. 

Romero barked out another laugh. “He’ll be livid at this point. He sent me an email on exactly what he wanted me to do to your tiny little body, Minyard. An email. Who the fuck sends emails anymore? Anyway, yeah. He’s pissed.”

Andrew stood up from the table, carefully putting his audio recorder into plain sight as he picked up his coffee. “Well, I’d say it was a pleasure, but it wasn’t.” Romero looked at the recorder, slightly sickly. “Have fun in here, Malcom. I’m sure your sister sends her regard from max.”

With that he spun on his heel, the sweet sounds of Romero’s panic putting a hop in his step all the way out of the centre. 

*

“I’ve never...” Neil chewed his lip. “Get a blood sample? That’d put me into the system.”

“And help me identify your pieces as they come floating down the river, if your father’s bosses ever learn about this,” Andrew reminded him. “If I can prove that Romero and Jackson were ordered to kill you, there won’t be any ground to stand on. Neil. Remember what I said.”

The man looked at him from an extended moment of time, evaluating and revelautating. 

“Alright,” he said, voice barely a whisper. “Okay.” 

*

October:

Andrew leant his head from side to side, letting his spine slot itself back into place. He hated everything about flying, so much so that even his cousin’s persistent chatter hadn’t been enough to distract him from his living nightmare. 

“Well!” his cousin said, somehow still animated. He and Erik had spent their time in Chicago getting over jetlagged and playing with Aaron’s new puppy, whilst Andrew spent his time watching their antics and silently drinking coffee with Aaron, save for the occasional question here and there. 

Heard you made a big bust, yeah. How’s the residency. A nightmare. Katelyn and I want a baby when it’s done, though. Interesting. You can be the Godfather. Save that for Neil. Neil? Like, the criminal guy? Don’t mention it. Andrew - I said, don’t mention it. Oh, fuck. You’re serious. Jesus Christ, okay. 

“Shall we get a cab?” Nicky inquired. 

“Neil can drop you home on the way to mine.” 

Nicky narrowed his eyes. “Neil? Like, absolute hottie Neil? Allison’s friend? The one you never called back because you’re an idiot?”

“I hate you,” Andrew insisted. 

“Oh my god!” Nicky squealed, tugging on Erik’s arm. “I didn’t know y’all were together. How long has it been? Andrew, you gotta tell me these things!” 

“On second thoughts, you should take a cab,” Andrew grunted, lugging his luggage to where he knew Neil would already be standing, waiting for them to arrive. 

Nicky’s laugh rang out like bells, just as Neil rose up his hand to wave the three of them over. 

Yeah, Andrew thought, letting Nicky gush whilst Neil looked at him like that. 

This isn’t half bad. 

*

And that’s how they got together! andrew will continually tell himself that neil inherited the syndicate after they got together, even if there was only like a month or so between their first kiss and nathan getting locked up. neil will continually tell himself that andrew was only interested in him for the case. they’re both stupid liars who are in love. 

[jexnmcrexu]

Do you have any headcanons on the kandrew dynamic? There’s such a dearth of analyses on the interactions between Kevin and Andrew and it’s a shame because their behavior with each other is so deep, peculiar and fascinating :O

Did you mean hc or analysis? i’m gonna add a bit of both just in case ;) Buckle up because this got... so long...

- See the thing about kandrew is... they’re so complex

- I mean it’s just. At first glance their personalities just completely clash, you know?

- Kevin lives and breathes Exy, he pushes himself beyond his limits, and he has this single-minded obsession with his game being flawless

- While Andrew couldn’t care less about the sport, has absolutely no drive besides the promises he makes, no ambition

- So like, when I learned all this and realized they were practically attached at the hip I went ?????

- However we later learn about the promise Andrew made Kevin, that if he stayed at Palmetto he would keep him safe

- (and this hurts a whole fucking lot because Andrew thinks the only way of keeping people from leaving is by binding them with a promise and that just BREAKS MY HEART!! but that’s a topic for another post)

- We also learn that Kevin promised him a future if he stayed by his side

- So this was basically a “I want to be with you but you wouldn’t be with me in normal circumstances so here, I can offer you this” from both of them

- They’re a disaster

- Anyway so they have a tumultuous relationship from the start

- God listen here LISTEN

- Andrew refused to go with Kevin to the Ravens because he didn’t want to follow someone who was satisfied with being second best

- Like he just hated Kevin for that

- But when Kevin went to Wymack after Riko broke his hand, Andrew must have seen there was some courage in there he could work with

- Otherwise I assure you he wouldn’t have made a deal with him, he wouldn’t have found Kevin interesting enough

- SO HEAR ME OUT

- KEVIN SAW POTENTIAL IN ANDREW, BUT ANDREW SAW POTENTIAL IN KEVIN TOO

- I’m crying thanks

- At this point Andrew becomes Kevin’s rock

- (I like to compare this with a concept I learned in two TJ Klune’s novels, wolfsong and the lighting-struck heart (even though they exist everywhere else)

- In the sense that Andrew is Kevin’s cornerstone, a link that keeps him from despairing and succumbing to darkness

- And he’s also Neil’s tether, the link that keeps him grounded and prevents him from running away

- It makes me very emo

- “You spend all this time watching our backs. Who’s watching yours?”

- shut UP

- ANYWAY

- So Kevin heavily relies on andrew

- Let me tell you this: when I first read aftg I went in knowing NOTHING about the books except that there was a gay couple; i didn’t even know it was the main couple; i didn’t even know it was about sports

- And I thought that that couple were kevin and andrew

- I kid you not, I didn’t catch on until halfway through the raven king

- It was just so plainly obvious that they care about each other

- Like sure, they fight a lot, Andrew threatens Kevin and fucking cuts him with a knife at one point

- But that’s how they are; they’re constantly dancing around one another because they both have this huge thing in the middle: Andrew’s future

- And they both know it

- It’s what keeps them together but also what keeps them apart

- There’s an essential part of their relationship that simply cannot work if they don’t acknowledge it

- Which Andrew refuses to do until like the end of the king’s men

- ridiculous, both of them

- So on to my headcanons

- Basically I think they started to hook up a couple of weeks after Kevin transferred to Palmetto

- They were at Eden’s and they were drinking and Andrew was horny and Kevin was hot

- And tipsy

- So they kiss. I can’t decide if Kevin initiated it or if Andrew did

- I think maybe Kevin

- Kevin isn’t familiar with Andrew’s history at this point, so Andrew gathers inhuman amounts of patience and explains, without going into detail, that they’re playing by his rules

- Basically: don’t touch unless prompted and always, always ask first. Or else, knife in your gut.

- It becomes a regular thing and Andrew hates that it’s a regular thing but he also doesn’t

- Kevin is very conflicted because of the public image he needs to uphold

- But he never angsts about it with Andrew because he knows that would only push Andrew away

- A year goes by and there’s feelings in the way that they both kind of acknowledge, only never out loud

- it’s more in the actions?

- in the way Kevin always looks for Andrew first, in the way Andrew is always aware of where Kevin is in the room, never goes too far from him, and

- i can’t stress this enough

- in the way he is unconditional support for kevin

- kevin is a mess; his childhood was traumatizing— so was Andrew’s, and yet Andrew is always there for Kevin whenever Kevin falls into despair

- He knows how to calm him, how to keep him grounded, and is willing to go to the ends of the Earth to protect him

- He doesn’t make deals with everyone, y’all

- Just people he wants to keep close

- Kevin is one of them

- And Kevin... GOD, Kevin

- He never, ever gives up on Andrew

- No matter how many times Andrew tells him no to exy, he keeps pushing and he keeps waiting and he doesn’t. give. up.

- Kevin saw potential in him, but he also saw that the reason he didn’t care was because he didn’t think he deserved it

- And Kevin pushed

- And Andrew pushed back, in his own way

- Between him and Neil they made Kevin realize he was so much more than number 2

- I bet you Andrew used it as a counter argument so many times whenever Kevin brought his exy skills up

- “IF ONLY YOU LISTENED-“

- “I’m sorry, I don’t listen to second places”

- It drives Kevin absolutely insane

- They’re constantly pushing each other and grabbing at them at the same time

- It’s why they work

- Their dynamic is just complex and passionate and beautiful

- Hopefully we get to read about them more

[fallingin-like]

november 12

peu à peu by @zombiesolace​ [requested by @jsteneil]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

this is a really interesting character study on post-canon kevin and how he finds his place within the foxes and deals with the aftermath of the events within the series. this fic has a lot of introspection and does a really great job of unpacking everything.

this is such an intriguing fic to me, i don’t see that many that really delve into kevin and his thoughts. i can’t imagine how difficult of a time he must have, both throughout the series and during post-canon events. this fic really made me better appreciate the struggles that he goes through because it’s really common to have his actions portrayed without any of this explanation or why he acts in certain ways. we always see his single-mindedness with respect to exy and just kind of write it off as kevin being kevin. i think you effectively explored his character and inner thoughts.

some parts that stood out to me:

“it goes like this: they lose.” uhm somehow you were able to break my heart in the first two lines of the fic? i love the simplicity of the way you worded this, it contrasts really well with the significance of what it means, for the foxes, but especially for kevin.

kevin yelling at the team after the loss feels very in character. it reminds me of what he was apparently like when coaching the foxes prior to playing, and we see a little bit of it in the books themselves. it really comes down to the fact that kevin is desperate. for a lot of the foxes, the loss stings, but at the end of the day it’s just a loss. the criticism is harsh and they don’t understand why kevin is so hard on them. to kevin, it’s his life. not just because of the fact that he’s definitely trying to go pro and have exy as his career and not just because the moriyamas are definitely watching over him, but because that’s how he was raised as a child. kevin’s terrible childhood is somewhat overshadowed by the rest of the foxes, but he likely still has trauma from how he was raised in the nest, under the master and riko. so much pressure that it feels natural that he wants to try and regain control in some way.

”they’re a team, they fall together. and yet after each game this year, kevin has found himself falling apart alone. biting shame and swallowing frustration as he tears into each overanalyzed mistake” i find in life it’s so easy to isolate yourself from the people around you. the foxes probably find it hard to be sympathetic towards kevin, but they probably don’t realise that as harsh as he is to them, he is exponentially more critical of himself. in your own head, mistakes can be an unending loop, constant and distracting. this fic is really opening my eyes to what kevin is dealing with and appreciating him so much more.

”their win last year was a fluke. a gift given to them by virtue of the trojans. a simply byproduct of the hardiness of the foxes and the instability of riko’s collapsing domain.” ohmygoodness nooo it’s always so hard for me as an outsider to see kevin (and really anyone) struggle with the imposter syndrome. so many people (including many talented fanfic authors!!) write off their talent, skill, and hard work as fluke or luck as opposed to the many hours spent bettering themselves and practicing.

”it is with an overwhelming sense of dread that kevin thinks of his death. with each day the reality of riko’s loss feels more sure… kevin wishes riko’s ghost had followed. he wishes riko were still alive. he wishes he were alone, he wishes he weren’t.” wow i love the way you wrote this, with his conflicting thoughts. since we experienced the series through neil’s pov, riko’s death feels more like victory and less like a loss. it’s something to be celebrated. but i think it can almost be seen as similar to mary’s death, which neil mourned. both characters were abusive and did things that were wrong. and yet, they were loved. whether we like it or not, riko was kevin’s family and though their relationship was twisted and manipulated, especially as they grew older, riko was the person that kevin was closest to. emotions are so complicated and i bet kevin feels like he can’t discuss this with the other foxes, who don’t quite understand.

”he knows that his commentary is far more nuanced by virtue of being a fox. kevin takes the out and opens the folder he has on the roadrunners.” this is kind of small, but i find it has some significance. it can be so easy to do the thing that you know is self destructive and get caught in a rabbit hole of pages and articles of bad. good on kevin for not doing that.

”the name wymack clings to his tongue. coach sits temptingly at the back of his palette. my dad, his mind whispers, the words clear and intrusive.” ugH it must be so so hard for kevin to work through this. i love these lines.

”andrew pokes his head out of the bedroom. he stares blankly at kevin, his hair mussed… he leaves the door partially ajar. kevin feels something in his chest loosen.” oo i really really liked this part. andrew has his own unique way of showing that he cares and i love seeing the small things that he does.

the whole conversation between dan and kevin is so interesting. the actual information that you’re sharing about exy and the way that they interact. i think you did a great job of showing a realistic back and forth.

”riko was always right there. kevin never had to call him.” these two sentences, and actually that whole section is really just so heartbreaking. you do a great job of making me understand kevin, something i haven’t really done so before.

”that’s not true. he does know. he enjoys having the ability to express his opinion. it’s a novelty he’s still getting used to.” oh, kevin.

”kevin can’t see any of the foxes. they disappeared into the store moments upon arrival and three out of the four are too short to be seen over the aisles.” lol what a mood (i am short)

kevin’s interaction with the fans is so interesting. i wonder if he often dealt with actually meeting fans during his time as a raven. it’s also really interesting to see neil from this point of view, he almost seems… unfamiliar? but not in a bad way. it kind of really brings us into the perspective of kevin.

abby-kevin relationship is so nice. i think it’s great that kevin has a maternal figure that he can find comfort in

the section on kayleigh is just so so sad. it makes me feel grief for someone i never knew. it aches knowing that she was such a wonderful woman, that kevin had her and now he doesn’t.

”’wooo!’ nicky shouts, ‘now that was a wake up call i didn’t need.’” ohmygoodness i love the way that you write nicky! it really lightens the fic a bit more.

honestly the bit about jean being waterboarded is horrifying to me. 

i like that wymack took kevin to riko’s funeral. there’s a sense of closure that has to do with it, kevin being with his real family while saying goodbye to what used to be his family

”he doesn’t recall riko breaking his had. he remembers before, and he remembers after but he doesn’t remember the moment his life changed.” i really appreciate the formatting you used with this, the line separating the first sentence, the way that you broke up the second sentence into two lines. it feels more impactful, more significant.

”he can see nicky and aaron showing off their most ridiculous dance moves in the corner for one another” oh my goodness this is amazing

“he wonders if they’ll call him an ex-fox when he graduates or if he’ll always be labeled an ex-raven. the nest had a quiet energy that fox tower doesn’t.” oh oh i like this a lot

also i like how you broke up the texts with paragraphs of kevin’s thoughts. it shows the gaps between his texts more and i feel his loneliness more keenly. the double-texting with the periods between reminds me of when i am at my loneliest

i love kevin’s conversation with jeremy. he’s known as one of the nicest, brightest characters in the series, but we really see why. how he is able to relax kevin and just speak to him.

your explanation of kevin choosing history as his major is so insightful, i’ve never really considered it, but now i wish i had

”i want andrew to enjoy himself. he does it rarely, kevin, you’re aware of that” renne is just so great.

the part about kevin using twitter, especially as a way to try and connect with thea is so interesting to me.

”’does he know you’re better than he is?’ she’d whispered in his ear” I LOVE THIS LINE what a turning point in kevin’s journey

ahh the part about nicky telling andrew about the conspiracy station, it’s so nice to see the way they are bonding like his

andrew is such a complicated character, i absolutely adore the way that you write him. a lot of the time i read a softer side of him, through the perspective of neil. kevin and andrew have a fascinating relationship, i love seeing it from kevin. “he gives kevin a thumbs up”, “i hear you, andrew says” these are so perfect

wymack giving kevin an extra jacket is peak dad behaviour.

recently i’ve been so fond of seeing authors incorporate the title of their fic into the writing. this is no different, it makes the title have that much more meaning “little by little, the bird builds his nest” i love this. how did you come across this quote? it’s so fitting for this fic

the dynamic between dan, wymack, and kevin is so so interesting. wymack and kevin are so similar that sometimes i guess it causes a distance because they’re not the best at communication. and it must be hard. they’re related, but still have so much to learn about each other. i guess i’ve never though much of how close dan and wymack are. you do a really good job at capturing the tension that exists, the interactions.

”he thinks a lot of people would rather he never spoke again” oh no this hit me hard

the little part where kevin and dan are talking about neil’s shot, i like this little bonding that we see. exy is the thing that has brought them together

”’you’ll make a good wymack,’ he says. dan jerks back, her mouth open, and her eyes stunned.” oh this is so nice

”he wants to say he’s my dad, but he’s hers too; hers more so and that’s dan’s point. what would he know? ‘he saved me too,’ he says instead” oh my goodness i love this so much

sorry but neil and kevin teaming up and nicky and aaron teaming up so that andrew loses is the best part of this fic and anyone that believes otherwise can fight me!!! “when they arrive in columbia andrew makes an aborted move like he will shut neil out of their room and it’s the first time kevin hears something like a laugh from neil.” this is so soft i needed this

go thea!!! thank you for making her so amazing in this fic!!! i like how you write their relationship, it’s refreshing and really interesting, we don’t know that much about thea

THEA TAKING OFF HER NECKLACE WHEN KEVIN CHANGES HIS TATTOO THIS IS THE BEST

there’s so much that you covered in this fic. kevin’s relationship with exy, riko, the rest of the foxes, wymack. i love the way that you worked through everything. the gradual improvement of the foxes following with kevin’s mental health improving. but we can really see how far he has come when they lose and he’s okay with it. you made me feel so close to kevin. your writing is wonderful, so many little details that just build to make this fic amazing. thank you so much for writing this!

[aftgficlibrary]

Mutual Pining Masterlist

Andreil

a chance to start again by eikoexe (M | Incomplete | 10/?)

Andrew Minyard was a consulting detective - probably one of the best. He lived a life alone and only kept well to his demands, solving more crimes than nobody could think possible. Wymack usually said he was stuck up on the job, Renee had been suggesting he finds himself someone to live with, just so he wouldn’t live a life full of solitude. Andrew said he didn’t need it, didn’t want it, that he was perfectly fine the way he was. But what if one day he met a boy who stubbornly tripped into his life? Who had been wanted by his father for running away? Who needed a place to stay… and who needed a home?

And so Andrew’s life changed when he met Neil Josten.

–

Or alternatively, a Sherlock AU where instead of Johnlock solving crimes, we get our Andreil boys.

Something, Nothing & Everything by TheBashfulPoet (E | 139,900 | 28/28)

Neil Josten is yet another name in a long list of identities used to hide a boy long since dead from a past blood had been spilled to forget. Essentially, he is and always will be nothing. And yet there has always been one thing that made Neil Josten real: music. After his mother’s death, music and singing were the only things tying him the threads of reality by the strap of a well-worn guitar. Too bad he’s pretty sure that it’s also going to be the thing to kill him. Especially when Kevin Day, international rock star and blast of Neil’s past comes waltzing back into his life demanding he joins the upstart and infamous band EXY as its new vocalist. To make matters worse, Kevin’s unofficial shadow, Andrew Minyard with a rap sheet taller than he is has taken an interest in the lie that Neil Josten and has made it his mission to uncover the bloodied truth that lies beneath.

By all accounts, Neil should just pick up his guitar and disappear like he’s done so many times before, but the chance to be real and seen is almost enough for him to plant his feet for the first time in 11 years he’s been running. Going into the spotlight means certain death, but Neil’s just not so sure that leaving it would mean anything different.

stars may collide by broship_addict, llheji (M | 20,664 | 2/2)

Moonlighting as Abram, member of the city's crime-fighting Foxes, Neil is doing a very bad job at staying under the radar. He's busy enough between his friends, patrol, and bickering with Andrew at work, but with the Ravens gang finally within reach and the reappearance of the Monster, he might have bitten more than he can chew.

(Or, how both Neil and Andrew accidentally fall in love with the same person twice. Lame.)

You Made a Monster Out of Me by basicallymonsters (M | Incomplete | 3/?)

He realizes that everyone feels exactly the same way he does, filthy and buzzed and understood and angry. His eyes find Andrew again, sober but animated like the drums are a live wire and he’s electric.

He thinks, if he could be part of this, if he could stand in the middle of the stage in a garden full of monsters, and sing the audience’s veins open, he would never need another drink, or another moment on court.

Prompt: Andreil in a rock band setting – tattoos, harsh lighting, calloused fingers, Andrew’s sweaty arms, Neil’s striking blue eyes, someone’s excellent voice, an uncomfortable undercurrent of drug abuse.

don’t take that sinner from me by wesninskids (M | Incomplete | 2/?)

In Bono, Alabama, a southern town where nobody ever goes, Neil Josten is a blind boy who used to read and write stories. Now he tells them aloud for his friend to write down, but things are quick to turn bland where there’s no color to see. He finds comfort in religion, thinking God can give him his eyes.

Then Andrew Minyard arrives in town in a dusty Impala and a crumpled suit, claiming he’s there to help Renee Walker take care of the church after the local priest’s death. Everyone soon starts wondering what his motives are and why he’d exile himself to a dead-end like theirs, mistrusting every word—but they’re after the wrong threat. Disillusioned and disappointed by religion, this lonely man of God came for a greater mission than preaching and blessing. He’s after something, and he might have just found it.

The blind boy of the town will either be his salvation or damnation, and he’s not sure which one yet.

/Graphic Depictions of Violence /Underage

doe & josten: deductionists by spanglebangle (M | Incomplete | 25/?)

Andrew Doe, rude but brilliant consulting detective, thought he had no need of a partner as he worked slowly away at dismantling the largest crime family in the country, helping out with other cases on the side to relieve the tedium. That was, until a scruffy runaway with a stupid amount of secrets stumbled into his life. Or, more accurately, broke into his kitchen.

/Rape/Non-Con / Graphic Depictions of Violence

roses are orange, and some also blue by apprenticedmagician (T | 1,295 | 1/1)

Dear Valentine, They aren’t poisonous. I checked. From - your pipe dream

wanting what you think you cannot have by orphan_account (T | Incomplete | 1/?)

this was a fic written for the aftgexchange on tumblr, but i decided to continue it as a multi-chapter fic on ao3! this is a fake dating au with no seth, riko/the moryamas, and drake so it’s the softest thing you’ll ever read

neil is a runaway, andrew works at a bakery, and nicky is really, really nosy. being someone’s fake boyfriend is a lot harder than it looks, especially when you’re hardcore crushing on them

double scoop by broship_addict (T | 3,733 | 1/1)

Neil serves ice cream and Andrew might be addicted. There’s a lot of blushing.

Series: Part 1 of share a pint, share a kiss

only fools by kazbrekker_morelike_kazwrecker (E | 19,833 | 20/20)

A flower shop/coffee shop AU that no one asked for but appeared in my brain and had to get out. Neil never played Exy and never met the Foxes at PSU, but his story with his father remains the same. Neil doesn’t like people much but neither does Andrew and everyone knows coffee brings people together

the foxtrot’s not for the faint of heart by kazbrekker_morelike_kazwrecker, smolmoll04 (M | Incomplete | 3/?)

The Foxes are a dance group working their way up from being mostly underground and found their new studio and Wymack as their producer. The Moriyamas are a powerful human trafficking syndicate and instead of Exy, they deal in dance competitions. Neil’s father wanted to sell him to the syndicate but his mother was like NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH and ran with him.

Neil has found the Foxes and a familiar face… He also gets to meet a certain sarcastic five foot tall blond and things ensue…

trust fall by emeryuu (E | 9,948 | 1/1)

Neil is a florist who loves his job but isn’t going to refuse a second job if he can make good money from it. Even if the said job is bartending at a club. Even if that club is a BDSM club.

Andrew is a tattoo artist working at the studio next to neil’s flower shop. He’s a regular at Eden’s Twilight where he always can find a sub willing to do a scene with him.

One night they meet at the club and that’s a beginning of a new journey for both of them. What starts as simple deal to let Neil explore parts of life he hadn’t chance to explore, slowly becomes something much bigger.

Series: Part 1 of games

hazel and gold by obsessedwithfictionalboys (T | Incomplete | 4/?)

AU in which Andrew doesn’t hate everything and Neil does not know how to deal with this beautiful nerd.

Allison/Renee (renison)

we all need sweets every now and then by downintheflames (M | Incomplete | 1/?)

A storm rumbled towards the team as they ran laps on the lacrosse field. Wymack had proclaimed they needed to breathe real air to get all their bullshit out of their system. Allison had complained about the humidity ruining her hair before she stopped to watch the clouds trip over themselves in the sky. Renee liked to think that in another life, Allison would have been a storm chaser. She was staring at the sky in awe while Renee stared at her. Andrew cleared his throat loudly. Neil nudged him softly then silently assured her that she should continue on - that the vulnerability was a good thing. Nicky rambled on to no one in particular about how one time when he was in Germany with Eric… Kevin slid his phone out of his pocket and took a picture of the clouds so he could look up exactly what kind they were when they returned to the dorms. Aaron grumbled about how stupid running laps outdoors was. Dan barked at them to get a move on - that they wouldn’t stop unless there was lightning. Matt immediately picked up his pace with Allison following behind him. Renee shook herself out of her thoughts. Allison was her best friend and nothing more. Andrew needed to stop acting like her saying that was such a joke.

too late. by icebreeze (T | 1,555 | 1/1)

Life never goes to plan. Love is no exception to this.

you, just you by zucheenee (M | 17,651 | 1/1)

Allison grabbed another slice of pizza, leaning back in her chair. Renee worried, not for the first time, that she’d fall and give herself a concussion. Allison sighed and flicked a lock of long blonde hair behind her shoulder, suddenly looking up and meeting Renee’s eyes. “Boys are just so stupid, right?” She said, smiling prettily at Renee. Allison always smiled prettily, and Renee wanted to die.

“Right.”

In which Allison can’t seem to find the right man, and Renee wishes Allison would get a clue.

lonely ♡s club by modernpatroclus (T | 1,719 | 1/1)

“Next time you need an outlet, come to me. I’ll take you shopping, not beat the shit out of you.”

“Andrew doesn’t usually beat me. I was distracted this morning.”

Renee realizes she’s tired of being set up with gay boys. Allison realizes that she’s ready to move on from Seth when she sees Renee after her latest sparring session with Andrew.

Jean/Jeremy (Jerejean)

playing on by flybbfly (M | 142,179 | 31/31)

"Who knew California Golden Boy Jeremy Knox could play dirty?”

Jeremy grins. “Best kept secret on the west coast. Told you there was a western division striker who could dispossess you.”

“On a practice court, maybe," Jean says. "Try to get it away from me during a game.”

Jeremy leans back, bracing himself on gloved hands. “Luckily, I won't ever have to.”

In which Jean Moreau and Jeremy Knox play exy, share a dorm room, and accidentally insult each another a lot.

between hoping and believing by cryptidkidprem (T | 47,332 | 7/7)

Jean convinced himself a long time ago that he doesn't have a soulmate. Or maybe he just wants to believe that. Things would be easier if he was destined to be alone. It will at least hurt less when he inevitably winds up that way anyway.

And then there's Jeremy, who's been dreaming of meeting his match for years. For some reason, Jeremy seems determined to convince Jean that sometimes he might actually be able to have the things he hopes for, and that soulmate or no, Jean Moreau has people who will stick with him.

Two Bros Five Feet Apart by Leahelisabeth (fortheloveofcamelot) (M | 27,220 | 9/9)

Jeremy sniffed as he looked at his computer screen and the email he had just opened up. Every colourful picture and excited blurb just another stab to his tattered heart. And there at the bottom, the biggest blow of all, “non-refundable.”

He sighed and slammed his laptop shut, not caring that his rough treatment could damage it. Right now, he wanted to damage something. A significant portion of his savings had gone into these tickets and now he had nothing to show for it, no girlfriend, no awesome vacation, and absolutely zero chill.

Jeremy's girlfriend dumps him on the eve of a romantic vacation. Jean fills in.

dreams of being golden by poetatertot (M | Incomplete | 6/8)

The ocean is a healer. This Jeremy knows better than anyone. It’s why he came back himself, when all turned to nothing; it’s why he took the others under his roof when the shadows at their back threatened to swallow them whole. It’s why he lets Jean in when he shows up suddenly, his pale face a soft light in the darkness. Jeremy sees him and knows he can’t subsist as he is, alone.

The ocean can’t change Jean’s past, but maybe it can wash his future into smooth, clean sand the way it did for so many others.

Stupid (for you) by justdk (T | 1,647 | 1/1)

He’s not the only who cares for Jean, the entire team has his back, wants to see him get better. But Jeremy’s the only one who is completely, helplessly in love with Jean Moreau and it hurts.

Face to the Sun by Leahelisabeth (fortheloveofcamelot) (G | 1,272 | 1/1)

Jeremy and Jean have been pining for each other for too long. The Trojans plan an intervention.

Series: Part 3 of All for the Game Tumblr Prompts

Shield for a Heart by neilskey (spellitwithyourpeas) (M | 54,949 | 16/16)

“It’s your choice, but you’re rotting away in here, Jean and no matter what she says, you can’t live in Abby’s spare bedroom forever. Time to start fighting again.”

Kevin’s hard and commanding tone was no surprise. The softness had been beaten out of him around the same time as Jean.

“What if I don’t want to anymore?”

Maybe it was because he had been half hidden in shadows-Jean had kept the shades drawn, but light still seeped in the cracks- but Jean thought he had seen something akin to understanding paint Kevin’s cool expression. “He’s gone. You survived. Play or don’t, it’s up to you, but you need to get out of this fucking house.” // Jean's first year at USC. Jeremy falls hard, Jean comes around eventually.

/Graphic Depictions of Violence

eyes wide open by jaylocked (T | 13,496 | 2/2)

Jean blinked. Blinked again. Was sure he didn’t recognize the man on his doorstep, with his bright eyes and enormous grin and wavy blonde hair. Waited for him to explain himself with a simple raised eyebrow.

“Hi!” the man finally chirped. The sound was happiness channeled into a single word, and Jean wasn’t sure how he didn’t hate him already.

(based on the prompt from tumblr: "hi sorry I live below you and I hear your dog running around and barking all the time and– no no it's fine I was just wondering if I could pet it?" au)

Kevin/Jeremy

lit me up by thisisallmarvelsfault (M | Incomplete | 2/3)

When Jeremy goes to South Carolina to pick up Jean, he and Kevin go to the court with a bottle of vodka and Kevin brings up Nicky’s “list.”

[Or, the life and times of Kevin and Jeremy.]

Neil/Riko

burn, baby, burn by wesninskids (M | Incomplete | 3/?)

Nathaniel Wesninski is Riko’s precious #2, his best backliner, weapon of choice, and only mercenary—the first piece of his Perfect Court: in exchange of everything, thirteen year old Nathaniel gets his number tattooed on his cheekbone and becomes Riko’s partner for better or for worse. Soon Kevin Day and Jean Moreau join the envied line of Ravens and become partners in their turn, and the four of them chase after glory and find the missing pieces of their Perfect Court one player after the other, drunk on power and victory, caring for one another no matter what.

But then Nathaniel strikes a deal with Lola Malcolm to protect himself, and it’s all downhill from here.

/Graphic Depictions of Violence

[stickballl]

This was based on a beautiful piece of art by @llstarcasterll

also on ao3

He hadn’t been sleeping.  A week since the last good night’s sleep.  A grand total of seven hours of sleep since then.  He’d started running when he’d get up at 3 am, at 6 am, whenever the itch became too strong to ignore.  He returned exhausted enough to pass out right as his head hit the pillow, legs turned to mush, lungs stretched too far, mind blissfully blank. Yet when he got to bed, his mind began a race of its own, spanning from insecurities to the deal that kept him alive. He lay there, completely still, until he felt his heart threaten to burst out of his chest and his mind melt out his eyes.  So, he got up and ran again.

When asked for a reason why it was happening, Neil shrugged and muttered a simple I don’t know.  It had to be the stress of championships.

But Neil knew and each glance at the calendar made the anxiety worse.  He’d ignored the anniversary for as long as he could.  He thought he’d be fine with it.  The past two years hadn’t bothered him, but it was like his body was finely attuned to it and made it a mission to make sure Neil remembered.

Baltimore had been a blessing disguised as a curse. Those few hours Neil had desperately wanted it to just end.  He never saw the appeal in prolonging the inevitable, but each look at the demented smile on Lola’s lips showed him just how wrong he was.  As the day drew closer, he started to feel her hands on him all over again.  He’d dreamt of that car ride during those few blissful hours of sleep he’d get. Sometimes it’d been Lola. Sometimes his father or his mother. Sometimes Andrew.  It never really got easier depending on who’d done it. Just a different hurdle to get over.

He woke up with bags under his eyes every day, drank as much coffee as he could, focused every ounce of attention he had left onto finishing his last season with the Foxes as he’d finished his first. He occupied every second of his day, refusing his subconscious the right to sidetrack him with useless memories.

Jack was the first to notice the change in Neil’s demeanor, the lethargy, the dark circles, the already almost nonexistent patience he had cut in have, and was quick to take advantage of it.  He picked at Neil’s past.  Back talked at practice.  Got physical whenever he could.

Wymack helped when he could, but Jack only fired back by pointing out his favoritism.

Neil ignored the majority of it and ran off the rest.  It wasn’t anything he hadn’t heard before from news stations or Edgar Allen fans.

Neil thought he had a decent hold on his splintering life.

But when one thing fell, the rest followed.

It started with an off-hand comment, the kind that wouldn’t have bothered him any other time of the year.

“Why do you think he changes in the showers?” a freshman asked.  Diaz, he thought.  Neil kept his eyes on his locker in front of him as he tied his shoes.  At the beginning, he’d found it amusing to hear all the freshman’s guessing at his scars.  Now, not so much.

“He’s probably a battered wife.  Wasn’t he dating one of the twins.  Terrifying bastards both of them,” someone else said. Neil clenched his jaw as his fingers tightened around his laces.  There was no point in starting a fight with someone who had no idea what they were talking about.

“Maybe he’s just self-conscious.”

“Maybe you should all shut up and mind your own damn business,” Robin said a little too loud.  Neil shot her a grateful smile.

“Oh, please.  He’s a narcissistic asshole who wants everyone to think he’s so fucking mysterious.  He exaggerates the fact that he had a slightly tough childhood.  Isn’t that right, Junior?” Jack announced.

Neil’s senses blurred in and out, rage building in his chest, spreading through his veins.  Jack’s voice echoed in his head, joined by many others all taunting the same nickname.

Just smile for me.  Please, Junior.

What did I say about keeping quiet, Junior?

Junior, do you remember me?

Junior’s all grown up.

Hello, Junior.

Neil launched himself off the bench, deadly gaze set straight at Jack.  Within seconds, Neil had Jack pinned against the lockers, forearm pressed into his throat. His grin bordered on manic, all teeth and no mirth.

“Give me a reason, Jack.  Please, give me a reason,” Neil begged.  Jack’s eyes blew wide, surprise and fear mirrored in his body. His hands hovered over Neil’s shoulders. “You’re all so obsessed with my past and my secrets?  Then fucking google me.  Don’t bring this shit into the locker room.”

He shoved away from Jack, his skin still prickling with untapped panic, with the need to run.  He ignored it though, trudging toward the court to remind him why he was still there.  Exy distracted him until he forgot who Neil was, who Nathaniel was, who Abram was. He became just a body whose sole mission was to get the ball into the goal.  No one needed a solid identity to do that.

On court, he broke himself down until he was just muscle, bone, sinew, only parts of a whole.  A machine.

~

“Stop it.”

“Stop me,” a rough voice whispered in his ear.  A knife dragged down his thumb, tears welled in his eyes, a scream begged to be let loose.  Nathaniel stayed silent, squeezing his eyes shut until that tension distracted him. He stayed remarkably still while Lola made slow work of the rest of his fingers before setting her sights on the tattoo on his cheekbone.  The knife made shallow cuts around the four, but Lola’s smile hinted at something more sinister.  She held an empty hand out.  Nathaniel turned and saw his mother hand Lola the dashboard lighter.

“I told you how dangerous this was.  I thought you were smarter than this,” she said, hands gripped firm on the steering wheel until her knuckles were white.  Her brown eyes flickered with a rage he’d seen so often when he was younger.  “What did I tell you?  don’t look back, don’t slow down, and don’t trust anyone.”

“Be anyone but yourself, and never be anyone for too long,” Nathaniel finished for her.  Her expression changed at once, melting into a soft, almost proud smile.  She reached one hand out and ran it along his jaw.

“Oh, Abram,” she said a second before the car burst into flames.

~

He woke up in the basement.  The air around him already smelled putrid, metallic.  He saw the outline of a figure standing over him, but he couldn’t make out any detail other than the bloody axe he held in one hand and the thin delicate knife in the other.

“Hello, Junior,” his father said, but his voice was too far.  He was by the wall, next to a smiling, rotting Riko. Nathaniel scrambled back until he hit the wall, bristling at the dirt that dug into the fresh cuts on his hands. “I brought some friends along.”

Nathaniel looked back to the figure that loomed over him and choked back a scream. Andrew was smiling wide, trickles of blood falling from the side of his head, the same expression he’d worn after Drake.  Everything in Nathaniel’s body recoiled.

“It’s really a cruel world, isn’t it, Nathaniel?  You came so far, salvaged the unsalvageable, crafted yourself a real identity, and yet we all end up here, don’t we?” Andrew said, advancing with each word.  He knelt in front of Nathaniel, swinging his knife around in graceful arcs around their heads.  “I’d planned this so many times, but now I’m not sure where to start.”

“The legs,” Nathan supplied behind him.  Andrew’s smile widened as his hand circled around Nathaniel’s ankle.  He stood, dragging him across the gravel. Nathaniel couldn’t help the scream that tore through his lips.

“No, Drew, no don’t do this,” Nathaniel begged.  He tried to find purchase as he was dragged, but it only ruined his hands further.  He tried to kick at Andrew’s grip, fought with every inch of energy in his body. Nothing helped.  “Drew, look at me.  Please don’t do this.”

Andrew froze.  He stared down at Nathaniel, untampered violence burning in his eyes.  The manic smile dropped, replaced by the twisted lip of anger.

“I don’t like that word,” Andrew growled, throwing Nathaniel’s leg down. He followed it with a swing of the axe, imbedding it deep in Nathaniel’s shin.  He screamed and writhed on the floor, pinned by his father’s axe and his boyfriend’s hand.  His cries brought the smile back onto Andrew’s face and he continued hacking away at Nathaniel’s legs before moving onto his arms.  His screams filled the room, brought smiles to everyone else’s faces, and drowned Nathaniel into unconsciousness.

~

Neil woke with a start in a sweat drenched bed. He struggled against the blankets wrapped around his legs, throwing them off to the side.  His breath was trying to escape him, coming out in rough, uneven spurts.  The clock next to his bed said 3:52, March 9.  A weight settled heavy on his chest.

Immediately, his body set into motion, tugging on shoes, grabbing the nearest sweatshirt he could find, stuffing his phone and keys into his pockets, and running as fast as he could out of that dorm and away from Palmetto.

Each step was a shock to his system, reminding him that he was awake, he was alive.  He’d beaten them.

He entertained the thought of calling Andrew, of hearing his voice for just a second, but it seemed ridiculous. Nightmares were a mundane occurrence for both of them.  Nothing to get worked up over.  He was fine. He had to be fine.

He pushed himself as hard as he possibly could, ignoring the throbbing in his ankles or the burn in his lungs.  As long as he could hear his father’s voice, the echoes of his scream, the desperate edge of his voice as he begged, he ran. Until he could shed the feeling of Nathaniel, feel comfortable in his own skin, he ran.  Until he could forget the image of Andrew, drugged and frantic, smiling over him as he carved into him, he ran.

It felt like he would never stop running.

He eventually made it back to Fox Tower, unharmed and exhausted, at 6 am.  His feet dragged on the floor as he made his way to the room.  He fell into bed, expecting sleep to come easy.  When he closed his eyes, he felt the pain all over again.

~

They’d lost.  They’d lost to the fucking Bearcats by one point.  They weren’t out of championships yet, their last two-point totals saving their pathetic performance, but it should’ve been easy. They’d beaten better teams before. Their game was fucked up, and Neil knew exactly why.

He couldn’t get out of his head the entire game. Each person he faced was his father, each voice he heard was Lola, each check was his mother.  There was nowhere else for his brain to go.  He’d benched himself during the first half, but his subs hadn’t fared much better.  It’d been four fucking years.  Why couldn’t he be done with this?

He sat on the bench, hands digging through his sweaty hair, pulling at each strand.  Exy was supposed to be the one thing he was good at and he couldn’t even do that right.  He couldn’t even muster the energy to shower.  He was useless.

Footsteps echoed off the empty locker room, each step spiking Neil’s irritation.  He kept his head in his hands, bent over in half.

“I don’t have the fucking patience right now,” he growled.

“What the fuck is going on?” Andrew asked. Neil’s head snapped up, his breath leaving him in one sigh.  The weight of Andrew’s hand on the back of Neil’s neck silenced the world and left just the two of them.  Neil’s mind quieted, the endless critiques ended.  He closed his eyes.

“It’s been four years,” Neil said, rubbing the heel of his hands against his eyes until he saw stars.  Andrew’s hand tightened on his neck and forced Neil to look at him with a hand under his chin.  They studied each other in silence, Neil filled with exhausted relief, Andrew with cold determination.  He kneeled down on the tiles, eyebrow cocked, perplexed.

“You were fine the past two years,” he noted. Neil scoffed, running his hands over the raised scars over his forearms and knuckles.

“You were here.”  The words passed through his lips and Neil registered just how true they were.  He hadn’t had to go through the convoluted process of grieving over nothing and the continuous nightmares alone yet.  This had been the first year since his Foxes had graduated, and though the faces on his team were familiar, it felt all too much like his life before he’d become a real person.

“You haven’t slept.”  It wasn’t a question, but Neil shook his head anyway.  Andrew stood and stepped away.  Any semblance of energy he’d amounted fled with Andrew’s touch. A selfish whine pushed through his lips. “Get up.  You stink.”

Neil did as he was told with a huff, following as Andrew directed him, hand fisted in the back of Neil’s jersey.  Even with just a hand at his back, he felt supported enough to fully breathe.  He would be caught if he fell, an insurance he’d needed for too long.  He pressed the slightest bit back into Andrew’s hand.

Andrew pushed him into a stall, sending a pointed look at Neil’s uniform, and turned the water on.  Neil slowly peeled his layers off, tossing them onto dry tile, until he was naked and shaking.  His muscles couldn’t relax, buzzed from the game, from the anniversary, from Andrew. He wasn’t sure if he wanted it to stop anymore.

He walked into the warm spray, allowed himself to become engulfed by the water.  Droplets ran down his skin in small waves of minute bliss, the first pleasant thing Neil had felt all day.  He breathed in as deeply as the steam would allow.  His hands ran lightly over his chest and shoulders, massaging the tender and bruising spots.  His muscles relaxed with each passing second until he felt like he could do another ten games.

“Yes or no?” Andrew asked behind him.  Neil automatically said yes, sighing as Andrew’s fingers slid into his hair.  He leaned into the touch, humming his approval.  The longer Andrew washed his hair, the more Neil leaned on him.  He wasn’t particularly gentle, but his touch was soothing each of Neil’s open wounds.  A salve on the frayed nerves stressed by years of torture, of running, of forcing himself to be everything he was not.  He could breathe around Andrew without the immense sense of dread he used to deal with after each decision, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Andrew made quick work of the rest of Neil’s body, then set him against the wall as he washed and rinsed himself.  He’d shut the water off when Neil moved, stepping in front of Andrew and framing his face with his hands.

“Yes or no?” he asked, the beginnings of a smile flickering on his lips.  Andrew’s eyes betrayed him slightly, darting down to catch on Neil’s mouth.

His hands rested on Neil’s hips as he breathed out his yes, meeting him in the middle.  The kiss was slow, unhurried, something so unlike the rhythm they’d built up for themselves: desperate, hands grabbing wherever they could get purchase, exploring each other as if it was the first and last time they’d touch each other.  This was a slow rainfall on a cloudy day, soft, inviting, undeniably necessary after such a long time.

Neil’s hands thread through Andrew’s hair, pressing closer to him until he could feel every inch of their bodies touching.  He didn’t have the usual burn of desire coursing through his veins, but a simpler need for comfort.  Neil pulled back and rested his head on Andrew’s shoulder.

“Get dressed.  I don’t want to spend the weekend in this locker room,” Andrew said, squeezing slightly on Neil’s hips.  He nodded, but took a second longer than he needed to before stepping back.

Despite the numbness tingling in Neil’s toes, he grabbed his dirty clothes and trekked back to his locker.  He pulled his spare clothes on, only getting halfway before his arms gave out.  His shirt fell around his neck as he huffed a sigh of defeat.  His upper body wasn’t working at all.  It seemed the most he could do was keep himself upright on the bench.

“You’re pathetic,” Andrew mused, shoving his arms through his shirt.  Neil shrugged, eyes still trained on the floor.  The struggle of the last few weeks, the high of playing the game, the low of losing to such an easy opponent, the buzz of having Andrew within reach, all mixed together to make an effective cocktail of bone deep fatigue. He couldn’t argue with him.  Not when his entire existence seemed to beg otherwise.

“Thank you so much,” he drawled.  Even out of the corner of his eye, Neil could see Andrew’s exaggerated eye roll as he stepped forward.  He aided Neil’s arms through each sleeve, taking a step back.  His thumb flicked across the burn scars on Neil’s cheek. Neil couldn’t stifle the wince as if Andrew had touched raw skin.  His hand ripped back within a second.  “No, Drew, you didn’t-”

“Yes or no, Abram?”

Neil’s mouth snapped shut.  The sound of that name elicited a contradiction of reactions. Andrew’s voice, the soft way he’d said the name, spread a contented warmth through his stomach.  The sound of his mother’s voice layered on top rose bile in his throat.

“Yes,” he bit out because Andrew’s presence was stronger.  Andrew set his hands on his shoulders, swinging a leg behind the bench, effectively placing himself mostly in Neil’s lap.  The other leg swung over and Neil’s hands darted toward Andrew’s waist.  He caught himself at the last minute as his hands hovered an inch above his skin.  After Andrew nodded, Neil’s arms tightened around him like a lifeline.

“You’re at Palmetto State, inside the Foxes locker room.”  Andrew pressed a kiss to the base of the knife scars across Neil’s jaw.  “You’re Neil Josten, number 10, starting striker.” Andrew trailed up the thin lines, lips dragging against hypersensitive skin.  “Nathaniel is dead.  You’re never going back to Baltimore.”  He turned to Neil’s other cheek, letting the kiss linger just a second longer than the others.  “You’re staying here.”  He punctuated it with a kiss to his lips.  No longer than a heart beat but more than enough to steady Neil.

Andrew’s hands dipped into the sides of his shirt, fingers playing idly with the puckered skin of old scars.  His nails scraped against some, sending sharp tingles throughout his body.  He couldn’t stop the smile spreading across his lips.

He buried his face into Andrew’s chest.  The smell of stale cigarettes and after shave wiped away the rest of the lingering doubts, solidifying him in the present.  Andrew pressed his face into Neil’s wet hair, the feeling of a phantom kiss ghosting across his skin.  It only deepened his smile.

“Thank you.”

“374%.”

[markonasurface]

16/50 - “If you want, we could go together?”

Fandom: All for the Game/The Foxhole Court Characters/pairings: Allison, Wymack, Abby, Kevin/kevin x allison Summary: Allison finds out she has cancer. She’s also pregnant with Kevin’s baby. A/N: This was getting too long and I’m sick again so I decided to just post what I’ve written. Also, I got the idea from Grey’s Anatomy.

Allison felt a bit like her world was spinning out of control. She should have figured out something was wrong when her doctor left the room to grab another doctor and that doctor called in one more doctor. Now he was talking about terminating her pregnancy and she dragged her stare from the wall to look at him.

“No, I can’t -”

“Honey,” the second doctor said, looking like she was going to cry. “You’ll die without the treatments.”

“And I’ll die with the treatments. You just said so,” Allison clenched her jaw and refused to cry. Not when they were all looking at her with such pity in their eyes.

Doctor Number Three sighed. “But you’ll get a few months more with the treatment.”

“No, I’m having this baby.”

“It’ll be an orphan.”

Allison flinched at the statement. Being with the Foxes had given her a lot of things, one of them being an intense despisement of the foster care system. It would be worse than letting the baby’s father know about her situation.

“You said yourself that the father wouldn’t be involved.”

“Well,” Allison said. “Things change. He will be and when I die my baby will not be a fucking orphan.”

Allison sat in her car, both hands on the steering wheel, trying to breathe through clenched teeth. Her car was stuffed full of her things, Dan’s things, and Renee’s things. At the moment she was really wishing she had let them drive down to South Carolina with her.

Her vision blurred and she realized she was crying. She squeezed the steering wheel until her fingers ached more than the lack of oxygen to her lungs. Her mascara dripped onto her white blouse and her lipstick was smeared on her shoulder.

She allowed herself to sob uncontrollably. It wasn’t fair. The odds of her getting a cancer mostly seen in adults above the age of 50 were slim and yet, she had just received a death sentence. She allowed herself the moment, then she forced herself to try to pull it together.

She took deep, painful breaths until she was hiccuping, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t stop shaking. She dumped the contents of her purse into her lap and grabbed her phone. It took three tries to get it unlocked and two to select Abby from her contacts.

The line rang and rang then went to voicemail. Allison stifled a sob in her palm and tried again.

Abby answered on the fifth ring. “Hello,” she said sweetly and Allison lost control again. “Allison? What’s wrong, sweetie? You gotta talk to me. Take deep breaths.”

Allison struggled again to regain control over herself. When her breathing wasn’t quite so harsh Abby said, “Good. Now tell me where you are.”

“Hospital,” Allison’s voice cracked.

“Are you hurt?”

“No.” She paused, then cried, “Yes? I don’t know. Can you come get me?”

Abby’s voice was calm. “Of course. Are you in Columbia?”

“Mhm.”

“What about your car?” Abby asked. “Should I bring someone to drive it back?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, Allison. I’ll be there as soon as possible. Sit tight and remember to breathe.”

Abby brought Wymack with her and only then did Allison remember they’d want an explanation and why she couldn’t give them one just yet. Wymack put his hands on her shoulders and tried to catch her eye but she couldn’t look at him. He settled for asking, “Are you hurt?”

Allison gave a shrug, handed over her keys and got into Abby’s car.

She was exhausted and fell asleep. Abby gently prodded her awake and guided her into her house with an arm around her waist.

“I need you to tell me what’s going on,” Abby said, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders and sitting next to her on the couch. “Why were you at the hospital?”

Allison opened her mouth but no words came out. Before she could figure out what to tell Abby, Wymack came through the front door. He found them and took a seat on the arm of the couch behind Abby.

He didn’t say anything.

She pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders and said, “I have cancer. It’s terminal.”

Abby took in a sharp breath and immediately pulled Allison into her arms. “No,” she whispered, rubbing her back.

“What do you need?” Wymack’s voice was husky.

“Are they sure?” Abby squeezed her tighter. “Maybe we should get another opinion?”

Allison felt numb and suddenly devoid of emotion. She pulled away from Abby. “No. It’s for sure.”

“What about treatment? They’re gonna at least try to fight it, right?”

“They - I -” Allison struggled to come up with an explanation. “I’m tired. I don’t really want to talk about it right now. Can I stay here for a few days?”

Abby wiped a tear from her own cheek and took a shaky breath. “Of course. Go upstairs.”

Allison stared at the text she had typed out and deleted it. She typed out a new one and deleted it, too.

Throwing her phone onto the floor, she sank deeper into her pillows. She had to tell Kevin. Sooner rather than later. Abby wanted to call her doctor and figure out why they didn’t plan on doing anything.

“There’s no hope” just wasn’t a good enough answer.

She rolled over and reached her hand out as far as she could, willing her fingers to reach her phone. When that didn’t work, she slid off the bed and crawled over to grab it.

Kevin wasn’t doing amazing at the moment according to Dan and Renee’s texts. For reasons beyond Allison’s wildest imagination, Riko’s death was taking its toll on him. They said he was quieter than usual and was bouncing between zero feedback and harsh, scathing reviews. He’d already made a freshman cry.

Also according to Renee though, he seemed to be handling Riko’s death better than Jean. That had to be something.

We need to talk.

She pressed send before she could delete yet another text and held her breath. The team would be having their lunch break now.

It took Kevin only a minute to respond. What would we have to talk about?

Followed by Maybe if you came to practice we could be talking right now.

Allison glared at the screen. His response was so him.

I’ll pick you up from Fox Tower after practice

You’re sick.

I’ll text you when I get there

I don’t want to catch your flu.

See you after practice

I’m not coming.

Then I’ll come upstairs and infect your whole fucking team. Asshole.

Kevin didn’t reply but when she texted him six hours later, he came downstairs. He walked over to her car idling by the curb.

When he didn’t get in, she rolled down the passenger side window. She could see why her friends thought Kevin hadn’t been sleeping. His face was drawn and there were dark circles under his eyes.

“Get in.”

“We can talk right here,” Kevin said, leaning down to peer in.

“Why are you so difficult?” Allison huffed.

Kevin frowned. “Me? I’m the difficult one?”

“I’m pregnant. It’s yours.”

He opened his mouth but no words came out. If Allison wasn’t so fed up with him and ready to vomit she might have smirked.

She took a deep breath in through her nose. “I’m not fucking with you.”

“But - how?”

Allison gagged and pushed her door open. When she sat up again, she half expected Kevin to be gone.

She wiped her mouth on the back of her hand and stared at him. He was usually so easy to read but now she couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“Do you really need me to explain to you where babies come from?” she asked wryly. “Or do you need me to remind you that we had sex a couple months ago?”

"Fuck you.”

“You did and that’s how I became pregnant with your baby.”

Kevin opened the door and sat. He was quiet and Allison waited to hear what stupid thing he would say next.

She raised her eyebrows when what he said turned out to be not so stupid. He shifted to face her and asked, “What do you want to do?”

It stunned her speechless.

“What do you need me to do?”

She studied his face to find the asshole she had expected. She realized he was sincere and that she wasn’t imagining things. He didn’t look happy but he didn’t look unhappy, just nervous.

They both turned when the door to Fox Tower opened. Kevin faced back toward Allison immediately and closed the car door. “Drive,” he said.

“Who’s that?” Allison asked as she closed her door and Kevin sank low in his seat.

“Freshman Neil wanted to recruit,” he informed her a little bitterly. “She’s not worth the time. She’s not even half as good as the boy I wanted. We should’ve found another striker.”

Allison snorted. There was the asshole.

“Where am I driving?” Allison asked.

“Hungry?”

“No,” Allison said. She didn’t tell him it was one of her symptoms.

Kevin nodded absently. “Me, neither.”

Allison drove them around the school campus too many times to count. When she finished her next loop, she broke the silence and said, “I need you to be there.”

He stopped looking out the window to look at her.

“For the baby,” Allison emphasized. “No matter what. Even if we hate each other and fight, love it and be its father.”

Kevin stayed quiet for so long Allison finally glanced over at him. She could see him thinking. His mouth was set in a hard line and she saw him look down at his left hand. They passed a street light and the white lines seemed to reflect the light back.

“I’ll try.”

She wanted to tell him he couldn’t just try; he had to just do it. She bit her tongue, refusing to think about why he couldn’t tell her “I will.”

“Who else knows?” he asked.

“Just you.” Allison swallowed. “I’m going to have to tell Abby and, um, Coach.”

She heard Kevin’s breath hitch. “When?”

“By tomorrow,” she said, keeping her eyes on the road. “They know I don’t really have the flu and I can’t exactly play so my contract is void.”

“But you’ll still be going to school?”

Allison’s heart skipped a beat.

“Allison?”

“No.” She cleared her throat. “I’m just going to focus on having this baby.”

“You only have a year left.”

They both fell silent again.

“If you want, we could go together?” Kevin said, uncharacteristically uncertain.

“What?”

“To tell Coach.”

Allison tightened her grip on the steering wheel. “You sure?”

“He’s my father.”

“Oh, right.” She hadn’t forgotten, but she had forgotten in regards to her situation.

“Do you want to go now?”

Wymack opened the door and looked confused when he saw both Kevin and Allison. Allison’s eyes were rimmed red and it looked like Kevin had been running his hands through his hair.

“Kevin, I forgot my phone in the car. Could you get it for me?”

“Do you really need your phone right now?”

“Yes.”

He shot her a look but headed back down the hall.

“I haven’t told anyone I have cancer, yet,” Allison told Wymack, voice low.

He glanced at Kevin, trying to figure it out, but nodded an okay.

“Kevin!” Allison called down the hall. “Found it!”

He rolled his eyes and turned back to walk towards them.

“Can we come in?” Allison asked.

Wymack cocked an eyebrow, looking between the two of them but opened his door wider to let them past. Kevin and Allison sat on the couch, a good amount of space between them and waited for Wymack.

He placed three glasses on the coffee table and started to pour whisky. Neither Allison nor Kevin stopped him from filling all three glasses.

Wymack lowered himself into his armchair with a groan. “You two are the last Foxes I expected to show up on my doorstep together.”

Kevin took his glass then and took a big gulp, scrunching his nose up as the alcohol burned his throat.

“Will one of you please tell me what the hell is going on?” he demanded. “You’re making me nervous.”

They looked at each other. Allison widened her eyes at Kevin and he gave a shake of his head.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Wymack sighed. “Spit it out.”

“She’s pregnant,” Kevin said quietly, begrudgingly.

His response was out before he could think about it. “So why the fuck are you he -” He cut himself off. He muttered under his breath to himself then asked, “You’re not serious?”

Kevin stared at his father blankly.

“This isn’t a joke? This isn’t a joke,” Wymack sighed again. He drained his cup then filled it again to nearly overflowing. He pointed to Allison. “You are pregnant with his -” he pointed to Kevin. “- his - my son’s baby? And this isn’t a joke?”

Allison crossed her arms over her chest and sat back while Kevin clenched his jaw.

He stood up. “Why would I joke about this? It’s not funny. By the end of the year or first thing next year you’re going to be a grandfather. What’s funny about that?”

“Hey,” Wymack said. “It’s not. Under different circumstances -” He cut a look at Allison. “I thought you two hated each other?”

“We do,” Allison said, unamused.

“But you somehow managed to put that aside long enough to make a baby?”

Allison shrugged. “Who said we put it aside?”

“And you guys plan to - what? Raise a baby together until Allison -”

“We’ll figure it out,” Allison said forcefully. “We just thought we should let you know since it’ll be your grandchild.”

Wymack took the glass he poured for Allison and drank. “What about school?” He took another large sip. “Both of you.”

Allison let Kevin answer because Wymack already knew it didn’t matter. She’d be lucky to make it through fall semester.

“What about it?” Kevin asked. “I’ll finish my two years here and help Allison raise the kid.”

“You think you can handle Exy, school and raising a kid full time?”

“Allison and I aren’t moving in together,” Kevin said. “I’ll help as much as possible but I’m not living with her.”

“That’s -”

Allison cut Wymack off before he could let slip her other news. “I’m tired and I’ve still gotta talk to Abby. Sorry about my contract, Coach.”

She stood and said, “Kevin?”

“Where are you going?”

“Night practice.”

Wymack looked torn between continuing the conversation about the baby and going along with the subject change. Exy won out. “You taking Jack?”

Kevin shook his head. “Not tonight. I need to be ... alone.”

“At least take Neil and Andrew,” Wymack said, standing up. He searched Kevin’s face. Whatever he saw there didn’t make him look any happier but he pulled Kevin to him.

The hug was just as awkward as Allison always imagined it would be. When he released Kevin, he looked a little more sad but a little less tense. Then Wymack hugged Allison and she felt tears welling up in her eyes.

“Let me know if you guys need anything,” Wymack said.

“The surgery should give me at least until the end of the year,” Allison said. She wasn’t sure where these tears kept coming from. When she brought it up with Abby, Abby said it could be the pregnancy hormones. Also, the fact that she has cancer.

“That’s not good enough,” Dan wept. “You still have graduation and you’re good enough to go pro and - and -”

Her face was scrunched up and she gave up trying to speak over her tears.

“Kevin would shoot himself if he heard you say any of us are good enough to go pro.” Allison hugged Dan and Renee hugged Allison.

Renee had yet to shed a tear. “Should you get another doctor’s opinion?”

“No, it wouldn’t do any good.”

Matt pulled his collar over half his face to wipe his nose. “You can’t go.”

Allison grabbed his hand. “We’re Foxes.” That was all it took for Renee’s chin wobble to give way to a sob and they all started crying again.

Wymack couldn’t seem to meet Kevin’s eyes. He looked at every Fox but Kevin. “Allison has stage 4 pancreatic cancer.”

A choked sound came from Kevin and Neil and Andrew looked at him. Kevin didn’t care for Allison and only worried about her health in relation to their lineup. This year they weren’t short on subs so it shouldn’t have made him blink.

“She’s trying to be strong,” Wymack said, voice strained. “She’s very tired and didn’t think she would be able to handle telling you herself. She’s scheduled for surgery on Saturday. They’re hoping the surgery will give her a few more months -”

“Can we go see her?” Nicky asked, looking owlish.

“Not all together, ” Dan said. eyes shining with unshed tears. She was squeezing Renee’s hand tight and Matt had his arm around her shoulders. “We don’t want to overwhelm her.”

“I think the more time she spends with you guys, the more good it’ll do her.” Wymack paused. “I know this sucks. Death is never easy. Abby has invited her to stay at her house for as long as she wants so we should make the most of the time she has left. If any of you need to or want to talk, go see Betsy at Reddin.

“This isn’t the way any of us would have liked to start the season -”

“It fucking sucks,” Matt said fiercely.

Wymack nodded. “It does but like I said, make the most of the time you have with her but remember that life doesn’t stop. We have a commitment to the university to uphold so lets train hard.”

“I don’t want anyone talking to the press about Allison, you got me?” Wymack told them all but looked at the freshmen. “Go get changed out.”

Kevin clenched and unclenched his jaw. Ignoring the looks the others gave him, he stayed where he was while the others filed into either changing room.

When it was just the two of them, Wymack said quietly, “Kevin.”

He sprang to his feet suddenly, looking angry. “What the fuck is she doing?” he demanded.

“Kevin -”

“She should have told me!” he yelled. “What if she doesn’t make it? How long did they give her without the surgery?”

“Keep your voice down,” Wymack hissed. “She’s doing whatever she can to make sure she has the baby.”

Kevin took a step back, almost falling back into his seat. “Why? This - this is such a mess.” He ran his hands through his hair and tried to prioritize his thoughts. “Why would she tell me about it if she might not even be able to have it? If she doesn’t die on Saturday, who’s to say she’ll be able to make it to her due date? And after that?”

He paled visibly and gulped. “She’s been planning from the beginning to die and leave me a fucking baby? How the hell am I supposed to -”

“Kevin,” Wymack said and came to sit beside him. “Take a breath alright? Do you need a drink?”

“I need -” he faltered. “I need to go talk to her.”

“What?”

Kevin stood up. “Can I borrow your car?”

“You’re not going to see her like this,” Wymack said and it wasn’t a suggestion. “I’ll take you back to the dorms or to go see Betsy but Allison doesn’t need you stressing her out.”

Kevin took a deep breath.

“Do you want to go see Betsy?” Wymack asked.

“No.” Kevin said and left to change out.

After practice Kevin showered and dressed as fast as he could. He waited for Matt with folded arms, leaning against Matt’s locker.

Matt raised a brow at him and Kevin moved aside. He opened his locker and dug out his clothes then asked, “Can I help you?”

“Are you guys going to see Allison now?” Kevin’s mouth was turned down into a frown.

“Why?”

“I’m coming with you,” Kevin said and went to wait in the truck.

Kevin hopped out of the bed of the truck before it even stopped moving. He hurried up the walkway to the porch and opened Abby’s door without knocking.

“Dan?” Allison’s voice called.

He made his way to the living room where Allison had paused the movie she was watching. When she saw Kevin, she sat up and braced herself.

“What the hell, Allison?” Kevin demanded. “You have cancer and you didn’t think you should tell me?”

“I - it’s not your business,” Allison said, voice hard.

“Not my business?” Kevin huffed out a humorless laugh. “You’re having my baby!”

Allison glared. “It’s not yours, yet. It’s in my body, not yours. When it’s born it’s mine and maybe I’ll let you hold him.”

Kevin stepped closer and Allison stood. “You have cancer. You were never planning to be its mother. Why are you - fuck!”

“Hey!” Abby came down the stairs. “What are you two doing? Allison, you need to relax.”

“I’m fine,” she snapped and Kevin continued like she hadn’t even spoken.

“Why are you trying to have the baby if you’re not going to be around to mother it? Are you even sure you’ll live long enough to have it?”

Allison’s bottom lip quivered but she kept glaring at Kevin. “No.”

“Oh my, god!” Kevin yelled. “What are you doing to me?”

“Kevin,” Abby gasped.

“To you?” Allison mocked. “I am the one who has cancer, Kevin! I am the one who is pregnant! I am the one who is giving up a few extra months of life so that my child has a chance of being born healthy!”

“Oh, great,” Kevin tried to sneer but his voice cracked and he had to blink the blurriness from his vision. “You’re going to leave the child motherless.”

Allison swiped angrily at the tears rolling down her cheeks. “But it’ll be alive and it won’t be an orphan.”

Kevin shook his head. “Great.” He stepped back. “You should’ve told me.” He turned around and only hesitated for a nanosecond when he saw Matt, Renee and Dan. Then he pushed past them and down the hall.

They stared after him even after they heard the front door slam. Allison muffled a sob and they all turned to her.

Dan hurried over as Allison sank back onto the couch. She pulled Allison into her arms, whispering soothingly.

“I’m just tired,” Allison said. She coughed trying to catch her breath. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

It was a lie but nobody was going to call her out on it. She was pregnant and had cancer.

“It’s because Kevin sucks,” Matt said, resting his chin on Dan’s shoulder.

Allison spluttered out a laugh but started crying again. “It all just - all just sucks, you know?”

Renee squeezed her hand. “You’re handling it all much better than any of us ever could.”

“I’m not,” Allison cried. “Of all people - Kevin Day? What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have ever told him.”

“He probably would’ve figured it out eventually,” Dan said.

Matt snorted. “Kevin and his one track mind? I seriously doubt it.”

“I just want to take it back.”

They were all quiet for a moment and Allison closed her eyes. Then Dan said, “I know Kevin eats, sleeps, and breathes Exy but it could’ve been someone we don’t know.”

Allison and Matt both opened their mouths to argue.

“She’s right,” Renee said quietly. “He has Coach. Coach has been the best father any of us have known.”

“He won’t let Kevin fuck the kid up,” Dan said.

“And you guys,” Allison said almost hopefully. “You’ll still be around to help him in the beginning, right?”

They all seemed to breathe out at the same time. “Of course,” they chorused.

“Okay. I feel - better-ish.”

Abby came back from the kitchen with a plate of sandwiches. She stood in front of them all with her hands on her hips and her mouth twisted. She sighed. “Kevin shouldn’t have yelled at you but ... he wouldn’t have reacted that way if he didn’t care. Your baby is going to be fine, Allison. It already has two parents who want it to make it.”

When Kevin came back to Fox Tower, Nicky paused the video game and they all stared at him. He was sweaty, his hair pushed haphazardly off of his forehead and his eyes were red. He sniffled, pretended he didn’t see them and went straight back to the bedroom.

“Do you think Kevin and Allison have been secretly seeing each other or do you think Kevin realized he’s in love with her a little too late?” Nicky stage whispered.

“Neither.” Aaron unpaused the video game and promptly proceeded to kill Nicky’s avatar.

“Not fair!” Nicky shouted, lightly pushing Aaron’s shoulder. “But seriously. Did you see how weird he was acting when Wymack told everyone Allison has cancer? Then the yelling. And he didn’t criticize anyone at practice - not a single insult.”

Neil offered a hand to Andrew who ignored it in favor of slipping off the desk and into his space. Neil leaned into him but Andrew gestured for him to lead the way to the bedroom.

Nicky and Aaron followed them.

The bedroom door was open but the bathroom door was closed. Still, they could hear Kevin retching. Andrew opened the door and waited. Kevin didn’t say anything.

“You have to actually eat something in order to be able to puke,” Andrew said, dully.

Kevin only gagged in response.

Andrew pushed himself up onto the counter and Neil stepped in. Aaron and Nicky crowded the doorway.

They waited but Kevin couldn’t seem to stop dry heaving over the toilet. Aaron left and returned. He crouched down near Kevin and forced a glass of water into his hand.

“Drink.”

He did as he was told and drained the glass, only for it to come back up. Aaron looked annoyed.

“Does your head hurt?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Are you tired?”

Nicky sighed. “What good is that going to do? He hasn’t slept a night through in  like a month. We know he’s tired.”

“Shut up,” Aaron commanded. He grabbed Kevin’s wrist, feeling for his pulse. After thirty seconds he reached up to feel Kevin’s face.

Aaron went over to turn the shower on. “Get in. Don’t change the temperature. I’ll be back in ten minutes to check on you.”

They all left the bathroom. Aaron left the others in the bedroom.

Ten minutes later, Aaron handed Kevin a towel and boxers and Nicky went to answer the knock at the door. They could hear him clearly.

“Did Aaron call you?”

“Yes,” Abby answered. “Are they in the bedroom?”

Kevin was lying on Neil’s bed, the only one he didn’t have to climb a ladder to get into. Aaron pulled a sheet up over him before turning to Abby.

“I turned the temperature down.”

“Good,” Abby said. “Did the shower help?”

“I think so.”

Abby took Aaron’s place by the bed and went to work taking Kevin’s temperature and heart rate. “He’s still pale,” she murmured. “And sweaty but his temperature isn’t too bad.”

“But he’s been pale for, like, the last month,” Nicky said.

“Kevin, have you been drinking water?” Abby asked.

“Not enough,” Aaron said. “He needs to take the week off.”

“No.” They all looked at Kevin.

Aaron moved so Kevin could see him. “You have heat exhaustion. If you didn’t get home when you did it could’ve turned into heat stroke.”

“I’m fine.”

“Do whatever the fuck you want,” Aaron said. “I don’t care.”

Kevin said, “Great.”

“Doctor’s orders,” Abby said. She looked around at the others. “Boys, could you give us a minute?”

When the others had left the room Abby sat on the edge of the bed. She stroked Kevin’s hair back and said, “I want you to start seeing Betsy.”

“I’m fine,” Kevin repeated.

“You’re not and that’s okay,” Abby said. “There’s been a lot to take in and as much as I love all of my Foxes, your group isn’t so good at the moral-emotional-psychological support thing.

“You’ve been on the edge for awhile dealing with your childhood and then Riko’s death -” Abby had finally stopped calling it a suicide when every time the word was mentioned Kevin went off about how it wasn’t one. “And now Allison’s pregnant and that’s stressful enough without the cancer.”

Tears slid from Kevin’s eyes and dripped onto the pillow. “It’s been almost two weeks and she didn’t even tell me herself. She should’ve told me she has cancer when she told me she was pregnant. It’s not fair.”

“I know,” Abby said, brushing her knuckles across his cheek. “But she needs you, Kevin. Even if you think she’s being unreasonable, she has her reasons, right? She is going to die. That’s scary. She wants this baby but she’s not going to get to be its mother. She’s only 21. She’ll be dead before 23 and she just needs to know you’re going to be there for this child no matter what.”

“I told her I’d try.”

“Show her by getting better, get help from Betsy. Be there for Allison. Talk to Allison, don’t just fight with her. Rest, okay?” Abby leaned down and pressed a kiss to Kevin’s forehead. “And drink lots of water.”

“How’s the queen?” Allison asked drily.

“Heat exhaustion,” Abby answered. “He’s resting.”

Dan set her chopsticks down. “Has he been like this all month?” she asked.

“Like?”

“Distracted, sickly looking, mean ...”

Matt snorted and choked on his food. He thumped his chest with a fist and said, “Kevin’s been mean his whole life.”

Abby took the plate Renee was offering and sighed. She scooped rice onto her plate and then noodles. “Lay off him a bit.”

“Tell him not to make my freshmen cry the first day of practice,” Dan said.

“I don’t think you guys realize that as unconventional as it was, Riko was Kevin’s best friend,” Abby said. “And he committed suicide.”

“Wasn’t suicide,” they chorused.

Allison rested her chin in her hand. “They were not best friends.”

“Maybe brothers,” Matt mused. “Like, some weird warped version of brothers.”

Dan laughed and Allison rolled her eyes.

“Kevin should be happy,” Allison said, nibbling on a single grain of rice. “They weren’t anything. They were two people who lived together. All Riko did was hurt him and almost succeeded in taking away the one thing Kevin loves. He should be happy he doesn’t have to look over his shoulder anymore.”

“Riko hurt him, yes,” Renee said. “But after his mom died, he was the constant in Kevin’s life.”

“Riko was so unhinged, constant isn’t the word I’d use to describe him,” Matt said.

Dan and Allison nodded in agreement. Dan said, “You didn’t love your abuser. That’s all Riko was.”

“I don’t think so,” Renee disagreed but left it at that.

“Just try to understand that Riko was someone - an awful someone - but still someone to Kevin and now he’s dead and the rest of the team is happy and everyone is telling him how he feels is invalid or stupid and he shouldn’t feel the way he does.”

“Fine, Abby,” Dan said. “If he wants to mope or cry over Riko’s death at practice on Monday, we won’t say anything.”

Abby sighed. “He won’t be at practice next week. Doctor’s orders.”

They put on a movie to avoid the awkward silence of the meal. Allison pushed her food around on her plate until her phone vibrated.

Can I go with you tomorrow?

Allison stared at her phone for a good minute.

I thought ur on bed rest

No.

Well, then. Allison was still annoyed at him for yelling at her, for making himself sick and for being upset about Riko. She kind of wanted to slap some sense into him.

You dont need to come. The surgery will be at least 5 hrs and dan matt and renee r coming.

I want to.

She frowned.

U want to sit in a waiting room for 5 hrs?

I want to be there.

Allison sighed, then tapped out her response.

Fine. Ill pick u up at 5.

[kickfoxing]

Yay prompts!!! Thanks for doing this your work is always great! Andreil, "how long have you been hiding this" ?

wait, i actually wrote something real, not an HC?? what! i got carried away with this so here you go :) [posted on AO3]

It’s after practice when Neil gets pulled into his coaches’ office. Being on a pro team was everything Neil had ever wanted, and playing with Andrew again after 2 years apart was a dream come true. But the coaches of his team weren’t Wymack. They cared for their players in a way different than Wymack but they still couldn’t replace the father figure Wymack was to all of the foxes. But the owner didn’t care about the players, besides the money they could bring in. Charles White was nothing more than a business man trying to make a living off of owning a professional exy team. Anything he could do for money, he would, even at the expense of his players.

The office was crowded when Neil walked in. “Please, take a seat Mr. Josten,” said Mr. White, gesturing to the only open seat in the room. Neil sat in front of the desk where Mr. White stood, attempting to make eye contact with the coach Miller and coach Jackson while they did everything in their power to avoid his piercing gaze.

“There’s no easy way to say this,” started Mr. White, “you’re being traded, Mr. Josten.”

Neil’s brain which had been running in circles only moments ago suddenly came to a stop. Where situation on situation had been flitting through his mind only moments ago stopped and repeated only one word: traded. He took a moment to collect himself, clenching his jaw in an attempt to control his anger and not lash out. Out of all the sentences that came to mind, the only word he could properly force out was, “Where.”

It wasn’t a question, but rather a statement, forced out in between clenched teeth and glaring eyes. If looks could kill, it would be very evident that Neil was indeed his father’s son.

The meeting didn’t last much longer after that and mostly consisted of Neil trying not to throttle someone while learning all the logistics of the trade he was now a part of.

When Neil left the coaches’ office, Andrew had already left the facility for the day. He had a weekly phone call with Bee to attend to so he headed home when Neil headed into the office. Neil didn’t think he could face Andrew just yet. After everything they’d been through, they had finally gotten into a groove.

They never told the team what they were to each other, but their teammates could tell. It wasn’t an overabundance of PDA that gave it away, this is Neil and Andrew after all, but rather a certain closeness the two had. When one walked into a room, the other seemed to be drawn to them, both visually and physically. The rest of the team knew they lived together as well, it wasn’t hard to fill in the pieces left over. And for those whose inherent heteronormativity was saying they were just friends, the rest of the team was there to gossip with them to convince them.

[ “Seriously, they have two cats together and even lived together when they were on separate teams in different cities. You can’t argue with logic, Johnson.”]

Neil decided that a run to clear his head was the best course to take. He didn’t run much anymore, not like he used to, but it was still a go to coping mechanism that today he was in much need of. He started in the facility, running laps around the indoor track. However, with each glance around, he was forced to remember the reason for his run every time he saw his team name and mascot.

He did lap after lap while his vision tunneled onto the paraphernalia all around. His breath was becoming labored from running, but suddenly his chest began constricting as well. For a pro athlete, this was uncommonly caused by being out of shape, and Neil knew exactly what was happening.

He knew what was happening like when he awoke in the middle of the night to Lola’s sick smile and her rough hands stroking his chin. He had experienced this feeling many times before, especially during his fifth year. Andrew was gone, his foxes were gone, and he was alone with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Well, the weight of his world.

The only thing that helped that year was the infrequent visits to and from Andrew as well as Bee. Neil hadn’t chosen to see Bee, but Wymack made it mandatory after one of Neil’s post game breakdowns. Bee reminded Neil of Andrew, after all, she was his most trusted confidant besides Neil himself.

Most would say what Neil did with Bee was not therapy. After four years of experience, Bee knew not to try and get Neil to talk. But to Neil, his sessions were the only time of piece he got. Together they would sit, Neil and Bee, and he wouldn’t have to think about exy or the Moriyamas or his future, but rather got to experience silence. His sessions were closer to meditation than to therapy, but in the moment, it was just what he needed.

Neil knew that meditation, at this moment, was not an option. When his life plan, which had only just settled, had gotten thrown out of the way, meditation wouldn’t cut it. The rhythmic feeling of feet slapping against the group paired with the harsh vibrations of each step running through his body was all that could silence his thoughts. But now, that was failing.

His feet carried him away from the training facility, through the locker room and out the front doors. He passed by security, giving a slight nod as he continued to his destination. He ran through the city, the streets crowded with people making their way home.

Home, his heart ached. Home, a word he only has been able to define in the previous years of his life. A word once so foreign and out of place in his vocabulary that had weaseled it’s way in through a ragtag group of underdogs. Neil’s breath was not becoming easier. Every passing thought seemed to amplify through his body and leak out onto the pavement with each step. He kept running.

He had left all of his things back at the facility and wouldn’t be able to get back in without his ID. There was only one place for him to go, home. He slowed his pace as he drew closer to his and Andrew’s apartment building. A war waged within him, wanting to tell Andrew immediately while a part of him still didn’t believe it. After playing the truth game with Andrew so long ago, Neil didn’t think he would be able to hide. They one constant in their relationship was truth.

Neil waited outside until someone opened the door and snuck before it closed. He took the stairs, leaving him more time to think, and slowly made his ascent. Where before, each step was a rush of adrenaline, a feeling of anger and uncertainty, each stair felt like a nail in his coffin. Each step bringing him down from his panic induced cloud, falling closer to reality, falling closer to Andrew. Andrew is anything, if not real, in all senses of the word.

Once Neil reached their floor and made his way to the apartment door, his breath started to come in harder pants. Before, he could stave off the panic by running his brain as well as his body, but now there was no outlet for his excess emotion. He knocked on the door twice while gulping in air. Andrew opened the door, still on the phone with Bee before muttering, “One second,” and dragging Neil to the living room.

Neil let himself be manhandled into a sitting position on the couch with his head between his legs. This wasn’t the first time he had had a panic attack in front of Andrew and needed some assistance calming down. Andrew was not a comforter, and thus not equipped to handle the situation with calming words and hugs, but he knew what Neil needed. Neil needed to be reminded of who he was, and where he was from.

As Neil felt the lingering heat from Andrew’s hand on his back of his neck begin to vanish, he stared at his shoes. They weren’t old or worn down rather fairly new for the season. He thought about how far he had come since he met Andrew. Today, he had run countless miles to reach his home, his home that consisted of Andrew Minyard and their two cats. It was only several years ago he was just starting college and hitchhiked halfway across the state to get away from the man who was currently sitting next to him in silence as his breathing evened out.

Eventually, Neil looked up and his gaze met Andrew’s. They had been together long enough for Neil to unpack the seemingly bland look on Andrew’s face as concern. He saw it in the slight crinkle between his brows, lending in with the freckles that lived there. He saw it in the slight flare of Andrew’s nostrils as well as the clench of his teeth, defining his jaw a miniscule amount.

Before either of them broke the silence, Andrew’s phone pinged with an update. It seemed the news had already broke of the trade and was now just hitting the typical exy outlets. Andrew would never admit that he has a Neil Josten alert on his phone, but he definitely does. There across the screen were the words that drove Neil into a panicked state: Neil Josten Traded to the Panthers for the Rest of the Season.  

Andrew didn’t waste a second before scrolling through his contacts and calling coach Miller. As soon as the line was open, before a simple “hello” could be said, Andrew was already off. “How long have you been hiding this?” he growled into the mic. Neil couldn’t make out what was happening on the other end, but he could tell by the increased furrow in Andrew’s brow that he didn’t like the Answer.

“Hand me to White… I don’t care if he’s in the Switzerland, give him the damn phone.” It was silent again and Andrew turned away from Neil. He stood up went into their office, Neil traipsing slowly behind. Andrew sat at the desk pulling open the file drawer and grabbing two thick packets from its depths. He flipped through the packets until he found what he was looking for. Neil could hear a faint “Hello, Mr. Minyard, to what to I owe the pleas-” make it’s way through the speaker before it was cut off by Andrew’s gruff tone.

“I won’t play without him,” was all Andrew said. In response there was a quite bit of sighing and talking, but again, Andrew cut it off, “I don’t think you seem to understand. I won’t play without him, and contractually, I don’t have to.”

Neil smirked at the scene unfolding before him.

“The trading clause,” was all Andrew had to say to get the other end of the line to go silent.

“Andrew,” Neil began, “you don’t have to-” but stopped at the bored glance Andrew shot him. Andrew lived to take care of his chosen few, his family, that included Neil. The trading clause was something Andrew tricked the team into agreeing to, since they owners wouldn’t have ever given it a second thought. After all, who would ever trade star forward Neil Josten, who was trained by the great Kevin Day and lead the underdog team of the NCAA to championship status his first year? Only an idiot would do that!

But if Neil has learned anything throughout his and Andrew’s relationship is Andrew never did anything he didn’t want to. Whatever Andrew did, he could justify to himself. The had placed the trading clause in Andrew’s contract, never thinking they would need it, but never wanting to go without. It is basically a clause that ensures should one be traded, the other would as well. If not, they were under no obligation to play for the team and their contract would be void. All in all, it was a terrible clause for the owners to sign, but again, they never thought they would be in this situation.

The phone was still silent as is was pressed against Andrew’s ear. His impatience was showing on his face. Without waiting for a response Andrew said, “You have 3 hours to figure it out,” before hanging up the phone and setting it on the desk.

Their eyes met as Neil walked further into the room. “Thank you,” was all he said as he approached Andrew. Andrew let out a huff as he stood up from the chair. Neil’s eyes flicked to Andrew’s mouth before meeting Andrew’s gaze again. Andrew gave a slight nod and Neil met him for a soft kiss. These days, there wasn’t as much verbal confirmation for intimate gestures, but the language was still there, hidden in their body language.

Neil backed away and placed his hands on Andrew’s shoulders before searching his eyes for an answer. Andrew gave his answer in the form of reciprocation and wrapped his arms around Neil’s waist. Neil’s arms encompassed Andrew’s shoulders, a task somewhat difficult because of their broadness. Neil rested his forehead against Andrew’s and closed his eyes for a moment, soaking in the reality.

Andrew was here, he wasn’t going anywhere. Andrew chose Neil and continues to choose Neil if the opportunity arises. Andrew would fight for Neil, has fought for Neil. Andrew was as real as Neil now was, nothing was going to change that.

Eventually they broke apart and went about the rest of their night. They didn’t discuss the antics of the day, but instead went back to their old ways of conversation and talked about the realities of a zombie apocalypse vs dystopian society. Andrew had left his phone in the office and they could hear it going off as they prepared dinner. First Kevin’s signature ringtone, then Matt’s, Renee’s, Wymack’s, Bee’s, and Dan’s.

As they settled into the couch and ate dinner, Neil flicked on the TV. Much to Andrew’s disgruntlement, the channel was typically left on some sort of exy network. Neither of them were looking forward to the top news story, but when the TV finally came to life, it was both of their names flashing across the screen and coming up in conversation. The newscasters were sitting at the table discussing the situation while the TV scrolled the same headline: Minyard and Josten Both Traded to the San Diego Panthers in Controversial Mid-Season Upset.

Neil peered over at Andrew and searched his face. There was a slight rise in one eyebrow and an indiscernible pitch to the side of his mouth. Neil felt content as he made to switch over to a channel that didn’t have his name plastered on it. He kicked at Andrew’s shin with his foot and caught his eyes for a moment before smiling. Andrew rolled his eyes before looking back at the TV and uttering, “turn this crap off,” and returning to his food.

Home.

find my other writing here

[hadesrebelofadaughter]

Meeting Theo (TFC Verse Story)

She’d requested 1 week away from school and from practice to go home, once she’d told Wymack it was so she could see her newborn baby sister he’d let her go. She’d hopped onto a plane that night and had met her father at the airport, a excited look in her eyes that he hadn’t seen in years. He answered question after question, laughing at how many she seemed to have. Her mother was waiting at the front door and she was surprised but delighted to see her daughter jump out of the car and bolt over, giving her a tight hug.

Her mother was surprised that Jess’s first questions had been about her and how she was, concern in her eldest eyes.

“I know you had health problems after having me so I wanna make sure your okay. . .You should be resting!” Jess said eyes going wide and both her parents laughed at her both her mother pulled her into a tight hug, Jess returning it.

“I’m perfectly okay darling, I’ve been resting most of the day. Just been making you some food since you don’t eat on planes” She said and Jess blushed, looking sheepish which caused her mother to laugh before she got her husband and daughter inside

“I can continue dinner love, our little bird here has been asking non-stop questions about her sister since I picked her up from the airport. Go and introduce them” Her father said and her mother smiled before leading Jess to her baby sister’s room, the door was open and Theo was fast asleep in her crib. Jess paused at the door and gazed at her little sister, her mother watching her face carefully before relaxing at the ‘oh I love her’ look that appeared in her daughter’s eyes.

It had been the same look Jess’s father had gotten the first time he’d seen Theo.

Jess felt her mother squeeze her arm gently before heading into the question while Jess silently heading into Theo’s room, pausing by her bed and looking down at the sleeping baby.

“Hello there” she whispered, her heart bursting with love for the little one “Thank you for not causing our Ma any problems Theo, you gotta be the good child okay?”

The baby stirred at Jess’s words, slowly waking up and opening her eyes. Jess smiled spotting that she’d gotten the family norm of blue eyes, she slowly picked her sister up before she could start crying and started to coo softly. Starting to walk around the room, when Theo looked like she was about to start crying Jess started to sing

Dear Theodosia, what to say to you? You have my eyes. You have your mother’s name When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart I’m dedicating every day to you Domestic life was never quite my style When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart And I thought I was so smart

Hamilton was something she knew Theo was going to grow up on since both of their parents were theatre nerds and loved Hamilton, Theodosia was the inspiration for Theo’s name after all.

“I’ll do whatever it takes

I’ll make a million mistakes

I’ll make the world safe and sound for you

You will come of age with our young nation

We’ll bleed and fight for you, we’ll make it right for you” Jess sang softly giving her little sister a small smile as she gazed up at her, the singing seemed to have worked so she stopped. She wasn’t completely trained but she had had lessons before she’d gotten admitted. “Come on Theo, lets go and see Mum and Dad yeah?”

She made a silly face to make Theo laugh and she smiled as it worked, she shifted her little sister and carried her into the kitchen. Giving her parents an apologetic look as Theo played with her hair

“I woke her, I’m sorry” she apologised, looking down at Theo as she gave a particularly hard tug, her tone teasing as she spoke to her sister “Oh I’m sorry little princess. Was I not paying you enough attention?”

“It’s alright sweetheart” Her mother said trying not to smile before she laughed as Jess started making silly faced at Theo who looked delighted

“I was expecting her to scream when she saw me looking over her” Jess said before playing booping her sister’s nose

“Babies know who are family, we learned that with you” Her father said and she glanced at him, looking amazed before she looked back at her sister

“You little Theo are amazing, I think she might also need a diaper change” she said laughing and her mother laughed along with her

“Here, I’ll show you how to change her” she said, the two woman walking back into the nursey. Everyone in the family glad that Theo had ended up liking her big sister, Jess was going to take so many photos to show off.

[berrysbestbloggityblog]

13th February 2017- All for the Game series

Author: Nora Sakavic Genre: Thriller, sports, relationship Rating: This is the only series ever to challenge Harry Potter as my favourite. It is incredible Favourite Quote(s): (You should be lucky I narrowed it down to five) ‘Fight because you don’t know how to die quietly. Win because you don’t know how to lose.’ David Wymack, The King’s Men ‘Is your learning curve a horizontal line?’- Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men ‘I’ve been a problem for nineteen years. I’m too tired to be one tonight.’- Neil Josten, The King’s Men ‘Don’t look at me like that. I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.’- Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men ‘I won’t be like them. I won’t let you let me be.’- Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, The King’s Men

I’m going to warn you now, this is going to be long, and spoiler-y, and probably make little structural sense.

 So I hate sports. Any kind of sport. I just about tolerate swimming, and never just doing lanes.

I would also probably sell a kidney to be able to play Exy.

This series, quite honestly, has changed my life (and not just about sport). It features; diversity, therapy, alcohol, abuse survivors of all kinds, not enough playing the actual sport, torture, the MobTM, extreme character development, my OTP and too many chess references.

I will start, quite appropriately, with Neil Abram Josten, the many named man. I will not lie and pretend that one of the main reasons I love this series is not because Neil is the first canon demisexual character I have ever read. As a demisexual, this representation was something I didn’t even know I had been craving until I got it. His character made me more secure in my identity; he meant that I wasn’t making it up, that I was real and valid and there wasn’t anything wrong with me. I wasn’t picky or just ‘hadn’t had enough alcohol yet’ (thanks mum); what I felt was different but it wasn’t bad. For all the demisexuals out there, Neil was a godsend.

(For clarification on Neil’s sexuality I recommend reading SpangleBangle’s one-shot ‘Swinging Along the Z Axis’ on Ao3.)

More than that, Neil’s character just broke my heart. He’s haunted and hunted and desperate not to let anyone else get caught in the crosshairs. He doesn’t always do the smart thing, but he does generally do the right thing, and never takes the easy way out. He’s scarred and easily triggered and in some ways damaged, at least when he first arrives at Palmetto, but never, ever broken. Not even Baltimore or Evermore could break Neil Josten and while he’s sometimes regarded in the fandom as the soft to Andrew’s sharp, you’ll never find the Foxes thinking that because Neil is sly and underhand and play’s dirty when someone he cares about is on the line. If Andrew had to be the one to cut the deal with Ichirou, he would never have gotten out of that car alive.

He asked Andrew TO HIS FACE why his ex thought Andrew was tying him up, and didn’t clock for a single second until Andrew literally told him he’d blow him. He asked Nicky if they were friends because he’d never had any before. He is about as quick to get a social cue as I am running. He is so respectful of Andrew’s boundaries even before he found out why, even before their deal. He left Andrew, a person whom nobody had ever admired, whom no-one had ever been grateful for despite Andrew giving up EVERYTHING for them, with “thank you, you were amazing” and figured that would be enough to cover the destruction his death would bring. He chose being tortured by Riko on the off-chance it might spare Andrew some pain, and he chose to be taken to quite literally his worst nightmare, giving up his life and his freedom and everything he’d managed to accomplish that year to keep his Foxes safe.

For the first canon demisexual, he’s certainly setting the bar high.

I’ll save Andrew for last, so let’s get on to the rest of the Foxes.

I’m quite sure I could write an essay on each of them (except maybe Seth. Sorry. I just. Hated that guy). For your sake I’m going to keep it short, but feel free to ask me for a full character eval I’ll be happy to do it.

Matt Boyd- Literal sunshine, saw actual homeless child Neil Josten and decided immediately he would die for him, half of the brOTP of the century, you just KNOW he’s so sweet and attentive and respectful of Dan because she’d never go out with him otherwise. He canonically has a white and orange themed wedding… I actually can’t. He didn’t blame the Monsters for forcing him to go full cold turkey even though he knew Andrew didn’t do it for him and he was ready to fight to keep Neil after Baltimore.

Dan Wilds- Absolute BAMF, can and will kick your ass, the only female captain in Class I Exy and she’s had an uphill battle on her shoulders for years before Neil or even Matt arrives at Palmetto. She has short hair and probably wear gym shorts 90% of the time but she’s still allowed to dress up without everyone being like ‘omg wow dan in a dress’ like it would be in any other book. She was a stripper and she owns it because it’s what she did to survive and it was selflessness not ignorance or anything else that’s stereotypically attributed to strippers, that drew her to it.

Renee Walker- Basically a flower, if it was a flower that could also slit you from neck to gut and plaster on a serene smile a second later, she’s an accepting Christian who isn’t gay herself (*cough* EXTREME RENISON SUBTEXT THO *cough*), she’s working her way through her trauma in a way that is healthy, she wants to put her past behind her but she’ll bring it out to protect/help her friends. She’s the only person that stays with Andrew without some kind of deal between them and she doesn’t do it out of pity.

Allison Reynolds- will slay anybody with her look, refuses to let her grief break her, came through being cut off by her family for not being picture perfect and an eating disorder with confidence and grace and sass. She’s brutally honest in a refreshing way and I think that post King’s Men, with all the secrets out of the way, her and Neil can become much closer.

Aaron Minyard- oh he’s an asshat but he still wheedles his way into your heart. He loves Katelyn more than he probably thought possible, and he’s so snarky I love it. He also killed Drake despite training to be a doctor which I think is something everyone always forgets. I think the thing that annoys me the most about him is not that he’s mean to everybody but that he doesn’t even try to understand Andrew; he just immediately blames him and hates him but not enough to let Andrew go.

Nicky Hemmick- ‘let’s get this straight: I’m not’, nobody really talks about how horrific his childhood being raised in such a homophobic household did to him. They sent him to CONVERSION CAMP and only falling in love with Erik managed to save him from that dark place. His parents refuse to love him on account of his sexuality and then they manipulate him in order to set up Andrew for rape. Obviously it’s Andrew who gets hurt the most here (well I mean Drake dies but like that’s a good thing) but Nicky, like Neil, has to live with that guilt for the rest of his life. He’s a constant ray of positivity despite everything, despite his cousins never thanking him for doing this long-distance mess from his home just to be there for them.

Kevin Day- oh Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Kevin comes perhaps the farthest of all the foxes over the course of the series and it makes me feel so proud. I screamed in delight and had to put the book down to do a little victory dance when he got his Queen tattoo. I worry sincerely about his liver. He’s a sad little history nerd who has made Exy his LifeTM and an actual asshat on the court. Probably about as good as Neil at knowing how to make friends and he shows he cares through Exy references only but I still love my toll bean.

Ok. Deep breaths. We’re onto Andrew.

Sometimes I think about his character and it just makes me tear up slightly? He’s an apathetic shitty midget who hates Neil and sits on tall buildings because he’s scared of heights for the AestheticTM. Basically everyone on this Exy team is some shade of LGBT+ and yet there’s no similarities between how they express their sexualities. Andrew is gay and a sexual abuse survivor and a foster kid and ex-juvie, but he’s not stereotyped into any of the boxes any other series would put him in.

I know too many people who have been sexually abused. Any other time that I’ve read a book where someone was sexually abused it was either liberally ignored/easily overcome or the person was driven to committing suicide. Neither is particularly helpful to survivors in my opinion, not that I am any kind of expert, and therefore Andrew’s story blew my mind. Andrew is never going to ‘go back to normal’. He is always going to have boundaries and yes or nos and triggers. He is never going to smile often or take Neil off on romantic dates or care about more than his minimum. And that, that is ok. There is no checklist for trauma survivors that they have to work through to be counted as better. Even more brilliant than Nora allowing Andrew to be changed permanently by his trauma, is the way he has an active and encouraged approach to his own recovery. His relationship with Bee is something I truly treasure. I am lucky enough to have not ever gone through something similar to Andrew, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be extremely happy that other people have that representation. Recovery is a slow process, with setbacks and bad days, which is also shown in this series, but it’s possible.

I like that Andrew didn’t always somehow magically know to go and get therapy. He survived Drake through self-harm and while he doesn’t encourage it, which is good, he also doesn’t completely demonise it like some people do. I will be the last person to condone harming yourself, but wanting to be able to make choices in an otherwise choice-less situation is completely understandable.

Proust trying to ruin his scars makes me want to vomit.

He was put on meds after he attacked some men for attacking his cousin and everyone thinks he’s dangerous? And manic? And out of control? Neil is perhaps the first person Andrew lets in enough to understand that everything Andrew does has a reason, and while it’s not always a good one it is also never a selfish one. Their relationship was a trust-build for two and a half books and it makes it so much more powerful. By the time they progress to anything physical, they’re already tied by something unbreakable, not that Andrew’s likely to admit it any time soon.

This is already like five pages long oops so I’m going to round off now.

This series made me laugh, and cry, and I quite literally screamed into my pillow when Andrew finally kissed Neil but I think most importantly it opened my eyes to lots of previously not-thought-about topics and I’m a better person for having read it.

z���_�

[simonsrosebud]

maybe 3, 16, or 18 on the angst ones??? im in a mood

NOT CANON IN THE KALTON AU

it’s may when dalton breaks up with kevin.

it’s right before their practice of the year when kevin catches dalton’s call.  he stops in the hall on the way to the lounge to answer it.  “hey, what’s up?  i’m about to go change out, but want me to come around after?”

“um, i think, maybe, it’s better if you don’t, kevin.”

and he frowns.  “why, what’s wrong?  are you okay?”

“i just, i’m going through some things right now, and i just think it’s better if i were to do it alone.”

“oh... well, you know i’m always here.  just call me later?”

“kevin...”

kevin’s heart starts beating faster.  “yeah?”

“i don’t just mean alone for a day.”

kevin leans back against the wall.  “what... what do you mean?”  he whispers.

“i mean alone as in, um... without a boyfriend.”

no.  “dalton, whatever it is, i-i’ll do better, i promise.”

dan is the only other person at the stadium yet, and stops in the doorway to the girls locker room when she hears the conversation.  she doesn’t want to pry, but if she’s right, and what’s about to happen really happens then she doesn’t want to leave kevin here alone.

“i’m sorry, kevin-“

“no, hey, please-“

“i-i gotta go.”

“dalton, please!”  but the line is already dead, and kevin doesn’t mean to, but he drops his phone in the process of turning and pressing his forehead against the wall.

he tries holding everything in, but he can feel himself starting to panic, and when dan turns him around with a gentle “it’s okay” he nearly crumples because it’s not okay.  he doesn’t know what’s going on.

dan drives him over to dalton’s apartment, and thank god kevin has a key, but when he gets inside it’s still and quiet.  and the coffee maker is gone and the closet is open and near empty.  the chargers next to the bed are gone and that’s when kevin drops to his knees and presses his hands to the floor because dalton up and left for the summer without warning.

he’s gone, and kevin can’t do anything about it. 

he lets out a sob, followed by heavy breathing and a weight so deep in his chest that he can’t get up.  his hands are shaking over his mouth, and his vision is blurry before he squeezes his eyes shut.

he takes a deep breath, but his exhale is a sob, and he leans forward with his arms around his stomach.

he can’t breathe.

dan comes to find him a few minutes later, and when she tries putting her arms around him he sounds like he’s in pain.  she pulls him upright to lean on her instead.  he clings like his life depends on it, hands clenched in the back of her t-shirt.

when she gets him up enough to get him back to the suite, she makes him promise he’ll be okay before making it to the stadium.  she’s a little bit late for practice, and by the time she gets onto the court neil already started.  it’s supposed to be a captains practice, so she gives him credit for taking over as vice captain.

“where’s kevin?”

“last minute appointment with betsy.”

neil nods.  he knows better than to want to ask.

dan checks the time every ten minutes it feels.  she needs this to be over.

meanwhile, kevin’s lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling.  a weight back in his chest and tears silently crawling from his eyes.

he just wants to feel numb.

he looks to the kitchen.

kevin drinks.  he drinks so much that he throws up.

he wants to be numb, but it’s not working.  which is why he drinks some more.

wymack comes by at the end of practice and calls dan over after watching everyone shuffle out.  “kevin?”

she hesitates.  “um, dalton broke up with him right before practice, and up and left for the summer before we could get to his place.  he-he was a mess, coach, he could barely function.  probably on the verge of a panic attack.”

and that peeks his attention in a different way that the first thing did, because he curses under his breath and turns.  “you left him alone?  at the tower?”  she nods, and he curses again.  “come on, fast, danielle!”  she doesn’t usually see coach running for no reason, which makes her high tail it to his car.

wymaca rambles a bit on the way there.  “every time i’ve seen that kid have a meltdown without dalton to rely on it was before they were together, and it always ended with alcohol.”  his fingers tapped on the wheel.  “i don’t fucking care if he breaks sobriety so long as he’s not dying of fucking alcohol poisoning right now.  i know him.  i know how much he loves that fucking kid.  he can not be alone right now.”

and dan can’t tell if he’s seething or worried out of his mind, or both.  but either way, she hasn’t seen him like this since neil went missing and kevin told them it probably wasn’t an accident.

womack has keys to all of their suite’s for emergencies, but kevin’s door is open.  andrew and neil were straight on their way to columbia from practice, so he’s the only one there.

wymack bursts in, and kevin’s drunk out of his mind sitting on the floor against the cabinets.  he shakes his head when he sees his father, and stands.  dan doesn’t think he could make it across the room if he tried.

“m’fine, m’fine!” he leans back against the counter.  “s’probably my fault, anyway.”

he reaches for a bottle of vodka on the counter, and when wymack beats him to it he tries grabbing it.  “come on.”

“no-“

“please!  dan, i-“

“no, kevin!”  wymack is holding him back, a hand on his chest and the other around him to try and keep him still as he pushes against wymack.

“just don’t wanna feel!”  kevin cries out.  he goes limp against wymack and starts to crumble.  “hurts so bad, i just- i just wanna be numb from it all.”  his voice is weak, and he sinks to the ground.  he covers an arm around his face.  “please just take it away.”  he begs.  “please, please, help.  i-i can’t, i can’t,” he sobs.  dan drops beside him and pulls his head to her shoulder.  “i love him so much,” he whispers.  “i dunno what to do.”

she casts a pleading look to wymack, because all she knows to do is rub his back and try to shush him to calm down.

“hey, look at me.”  wymack takes kevin’s chin, gently.  dan backs off.  “this is going to suck.  but you’re going to get up tomorrow, and you’re going to call him up and demand an explanation.  i don’t care if you have to fly to his house, dammit, you’ll do it.  because after your mother left there wasn’t a day i didn’t regret not going after her, okay?  cause look what she left me, kevin.”  he raises an eyebrow.  “you.”  he sticks a finger to kevin’s chest.

kevin nods.  “i want him so bad.”

“then you’ll go after him.  whether it works out or not.”

kevin sleeps on wymack’s sofa that night.

and in the morning, he’s woken up by knocking on the door.

kevin’s head is pounding, but he already threw up everything he could last night.

he trudges to the door, but the person behind it makes him take a step back.  he wants to jump forward and hug him, but it hurts him too much to actually want to go through with it.

“what are you doing here,” he whispers.  he crosses his arms.  he probably smells like alcohol and vomit.

dalton looks desperate, and he falters on what he wants to say, so kevin jumps in again.  “can i just… can you just tell me what i did wrong?”  he bites the inside of his cheek.  he knows it’ll be easy getting him emotional what with just waking up.  “i know i’ve got baggage, but just-just tell me why.  cause i just woke up and i’m all torn up and hungover, so i-i just need to know.  please.”

dalton frowns.  “i… you promised you’d stop drinking-“

“and you promised you wouldn’t hurt me!”  kevin’s voice cracks.  “any other lies left to tell me?”  and he takes a deep breath.  “please, dalton, i just need to know why you’d fucking do this to me!”  he messily wipes his eye with the cuff of his sleeve.

“you left without explanation, and-and i… i feel like i’m always going through something, but you’re the reason i’ve come out just fine!  i just wanna be that for you, but instead you thought breaking up would be the better option?  how-how do you think that makes me feel?  to think that my boyfriend doesn’t think i can comfort him?  that he’d rather be a-alone?”  he’s starting to get worked up, and wipes his eyes again.  he takes a deep breathe.

dalton has tears in his eyes.  “i’m sorry,” he whispers.  “i’m so, so, sorry.  that wasn’t… i didn’t mean that.  that’s not what i think, i didn’t mean to leave you thinking that.  and,” he looks away for a second.  “can i just explain?  from the beginning?  i-i want you, i don’t wanna ruin this, and i hope i haven’t already.”

you haven’t.  i just want you.

but kevin lets him in.  he doesn’t sit, but he at least lets him inside and closes the door.  he’s sure his father is hiding out in his office or bedroom.  he’s a light sleeper, and they weren’t exactly being quiet.

dalton starts.  “um, my grandmother died yesterday morning, and my grandfather was admitted to the hospital almost right after, and-and my family doesn’t know why,” he says.  “and i was a mess, but i knew you had practice- i would’ve gone home right away regardless, but i-i didn’t wanna put all my family problems on you, cause you’ve already got enough.  but, i, um, i was almost to maryland and i wanted- i knew i had to turn around, cause i was a fucking asshole, but it was already late and i probably would’ve fallen asleep at the wheel, so i stopped home to sleep for a few hours and now…”  he meets kevin’s eyes again.

“i just can’t lose you, and i was stupid and a dick, and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.  kevin please, i’m… i’m so sorry.”  kevin notices how dalton holds back on reaching out to him.  “is there any way i can fix it?”

kevin looks to the side, arms crossed.  “you’ve probably dealt with so much fucked shit with me and my family,” my foxes, “family problems don’t scare me, d. i love you so much that i sat on my knees in your apartment having a panic attack… i… i don’t wanna do the whole thing where i take a few days away from you,” he says.  “i can be there for you like you’ve done for me, i swear, but you just, like, you have to talk to me. cause i can’t do that again.  so many things went through my head that i can’t go through again.  i-i can’t be left so broken that it makes me wanna be numb enough to drink.”

this time, he lets dalton wipe a tear under his eye.  he speaks quiet.  “i’m humiliated by that.  i never want to break my sobriety again.”

dalton nods.  “i’m so sorry i broke my promise.”

“mine too.”

“no.”  he shakes his head.  “that’s different.  and i should’ve talked to you, told you why i did what i did, even if it was stupid.”

kevin nods.  “can you hold me?” he whispers.

dalton doesn’t waste time, and wraps his arms around kevin, who sinks into his embrace.  “i’ll make you a new promise.  one i can keep.”  dalton speaks into kevin’s hair.  “i promise to communicate better and talk to you, no matter what.”

kevin slides his arms around dalton’s neck.  “i promise i’ll call someone if i ever get the urge to drink alone again.”  and then, “i’m sorry about your grandmother.”  he knows which one it is, too, because his grandmother on his mother’s side passed when dalton was a child.  this one kevin met a few months back, even.

he pulls back, and cups dalton’s face.  “i’m here for you, okay?”

dalton nods, and he tilts his head into kevin’s hand.  “i don’t think it’ll hit me for a while.  the funeral is in three days.”  he pauses.  “you don’t have to, but-“

“i’ll be there with you.”

dalton cups his hand around kevin’s on his face and brings his knuckles to his lips.  “i’ll make all of this up to you.”  kevin kisses his forehead.  “i love you,” dalton whispers.

i’m now realizing i forgot to include angst #16 aka “you’ve changed” but it’s probably better for my own sanity that i didn't bc that one just makes me think of “they break up and run into each other months/years later” which i can NOT do to my boys LOL

[fallingin-like]

november 29

baltimore blues by @spanglebangle  [requested by @foxsoulcourt​ and @sig66​]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

you’ve probably already read this fic, but in case you haven’t, it’s an amazing exploration of andrew’s perspective on the binghamton riot and baltimore. this fic has fantastic scenes with introspection and is just so impressive to read.

i remember reading this fic for the first time, shortly after having finished the books. i was hesitant to turn to fanfics because i enjoyed the books and nora’s extra content so much and didn’t want to move on, but more than that i was desperate for more content. like most people, i think i was looking for andrew’s perspective on the baltimore scenes. you did an amazing job at capturing it and the moments around it.

parts that stood out to me:

the idea that andrew’s body is tired after a game too. he does spend a lot of time not trying and the rest of the time using a lot of natural talent, but it’s exciting to me (and definitely exciting to neil) to see the evidence that he’s putting so much effort into exy

”he felt pummelled and worn out but despite it all, there was a tiny fizz under his skin. it was something like satisfaction to have denied the other team their goals and having made them curse and yell in frustration, a pleasant bit of spite he could chew on all day” this whole section is such a great vocalization of andrew’s thoughts, and it’s wonderful to see andrew slowly… finding satisfaction from playing, even if it’s based out of spite.

ooh i love the shower routine description, the post that you linked didn’t work for me, but a lot of it was the execution of it, i love the way that you really show trust, but the fact that andrew still carries his trauma with him and still struggles. recovery is a long road and it’s important that this is portrayed

andrew swapping his armbands is interesting to me, i guess i would have imagined he just bring his clean pair with his towel so that he can change it in the stall. with this though, i think it demonstrates the bit of trust, too. even if he makes the switch subtly, i think he wouldn’t do that if he weren’t as comfortable with the foxes

”he’d let andrew ask whatever, demand whatever, and would deliver it if it tore him to pieces” oh this is so beautiful

”it figured, that andrew would meet somebody who finally understood the full weight of a real promise, but would be too apt to take it like a martyr at any opportunity… and yet, being trusted to ask anyway… it put an itch under his skin, an uneasiness and yearning and odd kind of contentment that bothered him endlessly” i think this is the perfect example of a description of andrew’s true feelings about neil. it’s not as simple as liking him or being attracted to him and just saying that he hated him instead. this is a wash of emotions, unfamiliar and at times overwhelming and it kind of feels like a lack of control, which is what andrew really hates

”it felt wrong to demand answers when they might be freely given, if only andrew was patient enough” this whole paragraph is gold!! this is exactly why i think that neil and andrew both work so well together. they know when to push and pull and when to leave the other person alone. 

a whole paragraph on andrew thinking about neil’s affinity with languages? what a mood, i love polyglot!neil. what a perfect request of andrew, something that he thinks neil would enjoy and something that would cause them to become closer, both because they would spend time learning it together and it gives them the privacy to communicate in front of the team

”a pair of campus police edged their way into the crowded room… actual professionals, then” NOOOOOOOOOOO I HATE THAT ANDREW EVEN SEEMS TO TRUST THEM A LITTLE BIT THIS IS TERRIBLE KNOWING WHAT THIS MEANS EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT’LL TURN OUT ALRIGHT.

oh no, andrew repressing his feelings ;-;

really interesting to see how you write the riot, there’s not that much included in the books, so it’s always fascinating to me to see what andrew does, who he goes to first, what the rest of the foxes are doing, and how he gets that bruise by his eye. and, of course, the realisation that neil’s not around. i like that you have them know right away, while the riot’s still happening

”he wended through corridors and broke locks to see if neil had scarpered for safety in the heat of the moment and found somewhere quiet to hole up and lick his wounds” ooo i like this sentence a lot 

andrew holding on to the keys?? ahhh it’s so much

okay okay okay. non-verbal andrew is something that i really like having included, the confusion, not understanding what people were saying to him, it really immerses me into the fic, i can’t stop reading and i find it really special that i can’t wait to find out what happens, even though i already know that neil is okay, that they find him.

the switch to have andrew speak again is so good, how difficult it is to separate him from kevin, the way that andrew can’t hide his emotion this time

”he knelt and picked up the phone and keys as gently as he could, feeling appalled he’d let them go for even a second” this is such a soft moment amidst the churning, sharpness of andrew’s anger

”andrew found himself hauled away again like a child having a tantrum and plonked outside the bus” lol cute!!

andrew losing time? yeah

”it hit him around ten that he was grieving” ANDREW NO THAT’S SO SAD HOW DARE YOU BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS

”apparently neil’s refusing to talk to them until he sees your ugly mugs again” LOL so affectionate

andrew finally being able to sleep is so good

love that andrew is keeping the keys and phone with him all the time!!!

yes, another wymack lecture would be good any other time than this coach!

it’s always interesting to see how different authors/artists interpret the wounds that neil received. i think that, as gruesome as yours are, they seem something most similar to what i expected. burns that are a mess, and many of then, completely destroying that side of his face. i can’t imagine lola stopping at one or two of them and moving on to his arms

”they were a mirror image of crushed glass and barbed wire on high walls” yes!! this whole paragraph!!! so amazing

”andrew wanted to hate the spark of amusement and almost relief in his chest, at seeing neil be the unapologetic firebrand and fierce instigator that had snagged andrew’s attention over and over again this year, even battered and injured and shaken” your word choice is so great here, the way that you built this sentence i can’t even describe how much i like it

”it often was, andrew thought distractedly. it had taken so little to stop tilda” andrew is probably the only fox that truly understands wanting a parent dead

”he listened attentively to the story neil gave the interviewers, but everyone else’s voices slurred and mumbed together in a confusing, exhausting mess.” i love the way that you describe andrew being overwhelmed by everything. his one focal point is, and always has been, neil and keeping him safe.

”’stop it,’ andrew commanded, because he couldn’t bear the thought of neil’s hands being permanently damaged” oh it’s so interesting hearing how you interpreted this

”he leaned back against andrew’s side. it was more soothing than andrew wanted it to be” this is so soft!

”before starting the engine, he took the cigarette lighter from his dashboard and tossed it calmly out the window and into a trash can” yes! even more significant because andrew probably actually used the cigarette lighter previously

”he drove his pack back to the campus roads” andrew calls them his pack!! that is so cute

”being yanked out of the closet so violently had never been his plan, but it seemed oddly fitting for the general pattern of his life” i’ve spend a long time reading fanfics instead of the actual series so i forgot for a moment that before this, nobody knew andrew was gay. and the last part, oh. it really sucks that so many things that people learn about him are not his choice. 

andrew stopping himself from the spiraling thoughts, taking breaths and calling bee? amazing, wonderful, for once andrew is a good example to others

foxpile!!!

agh, andrew exposing himself to be close to neil, so good

”at the very least, if any hitmen tried to come in they’d trop all over the foxes lying there and wake everyone up” LOL

”he knew his own strength was largely in the physical - he’d walled off his emotions and shut down his mind long ago instead of learning better coping mechanisms. neil’s strength was in his head, in his fiery heart and acid tongue and fierce determination to live as much as he could in what little time he could gouge from the world” THIS IS AMAZING, the wording and everything, just so so wonderful

”hello, hello, you’re here, i was grieving you but you’re alive, hello, things haven’t changed so much, hello…” oh i love this

i like the checking that andrew does, i liked seeing how you describe his constant reassurance that what he’s doing is okay

”he was wanting and planning and… hoping” andrew :”)

your characterization of andrew is amazing to read, how you captured his the contrast between his thoughts and emotions that he hid with the reactions that he allowed through. did you find it challenging? i can imagine there must have been pressure because readers have seen some of these scenes from another perspective, so there’s not as much flexibility with his actions or the dialogue

your descriptions of everything were wonderful and reflected what i imagine andrew to be like. his rationalization behind his actions and how he reacted to fear after so long of repressing his emotions. i’m glad that this was one of the first fics i read for the fandom, being exposed to this high quality content definitely helped draw me in. thank you so much for writing this!