#however bad they may look. i dont care. i made a thing :] proud of myself

[syn4k]

just watched the animator vs animation series and i think its great. thank goodness this series' characters include exclusively stick figures otherwise id have a much harder time making fanart of them

[ranvwoop]

TALK ABOUT AMERICAN HEALTHCARE I HAVE AN IDEA OF WHY IT'S THERE BUT I WANNA HEAR THE EXPLANATION ALSO THE ONLY HOUSE THAT"S NOT ON FIRE (YET) FOR THE SAME REASON I JUST WANNA SEE THE ANALYSIS:TM: IF U WANT I WANNA SEE IF I GOT IT RIGHT :D

Hi :DDD. Thank u for asking,,,, I have many thoughts. I am sorry in advance. This is one of those things I will put under a readmore because I am into rambling. IT GOT A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED IM SORRY. Like. a lot. It was 4 pages in google docs because i dont trust tumblr to save my drafts

Okay a lot of my Ranboo thoughts are about the syndicate / boreal trio / peerpressure duo. But you’re probably aware I am a Them enthusiast first and both a dsmp enjoyer and person second. Because. I really like the syndicate. I also don’t have too too many thoughts on the more recent lore past the experiments. Once the in character monologues stopped, so did my brain. I communicate through monologue to monologue communication.

American Healthcare is actually gonna be the main reason why this is so long bc it works Very Much for like three different reasons. One sorta niche and abstracter reason is a stream that was basically never elaborated on back in March, either the day after or very close to the peerpressure Egg confrontation stream. The egg called him a coward (for some reason my brain can Only come up with the “stop saying i look like chicken little. he’s dumb, and a coward, and i am NOT a coward” vine), and he is not a coward, so he decided to make an action plan to bring the server together by acting as a mediator for all parties and try to make sure that everyone is happy, because he’s the only one that can see all sides, or something. This was where he said the big happy family™ line but other than Ranboo Become Dream?? analysis nothing else really happened and everything went along as normal.

(I also always held a little bit of suspicion on this stream actually and thought it might be the influence of the egg, because it says it can give one whatever they want, and ranboo wants to make everyone happy and this was a totally foolproof way of doing that. Sort of in a similar way that BBH is convinced that his plan will totally make Skeppy happy. But also Ranboo is just like that, but this felt a little more on the nose than usual and he did fall into the egg and made his decisions after being egged on by it, buT WE’LL NEVER KNOW, WILL WE?

… also I really wanted to see more egg conflict at the time. Peerpressure rlly got involved in the egg plot for cameos at the banquet and nothing else. I do not blame anyone and respect the ccs for all of their attempts to weave plots together but also. also…. we.. we coulda had so much…)

That was a little off topic from the point, but… he really just thinks he can save the sick… he can see that everyone on the server is unwell and is wrong but, y’know, look inwardly, the unwell is coming from inside the house. And an inherent problem of the way that the server runs. And if this is still lowkey in effect or not (idk man a) ranboo has monologued a lot I simply chose a one off from march to grow emotionally attached to and b) i think that my brain has shut off once ranboo stopped solo lore streams), it would probably go the way that most choosing to change the system from the inside goes. Which is the point of the song and stuff! He will inevitably decide what’s too far, whether he will either admit it’s a choice or just feel that it’s what he has to do. The, uh, dealing with the devil, to be polite.

in conclusion (but we are not close to done here i’m holding you for a bit longer), i think a lot about that stream and i think that shows what he wants to be, at the very least, and continuing down that path would definitely go into being far more trouble than just a noble goal of wanting to help people, from negotiating with corruption (The lobbyists, the Congressmen and lies bit) and that the server can’t really be brought together and saved like that (When things are more and more this way / Sometimes it's like they'd rather die)

THE LESS. vwoop why have you written an unnecessarily long post about one stream in your playlist character analysis reason is both more literal and piece by piece and also Syndicate, My Beloved, you know the drill. We are going line by line because I have a lot of feelings about American Healthcare, apparently.

This also comes back to that everyone on the server is doing Really Badly, all of the time, but mostly his time in L’Manburg. For one, he is pretty complacent in everything and doesn’t really accomplish much in terms of actual change, so like Well people die every day / I wouldn't have it any other way / I just think they should feel good while they are alive. An example of this is Exiled Tommy — who I’d also metaphorically put as the dead man just for funsies, since Tommy’s whole exile thing was one of the first things Ranboo experienced on the server—as he did try to be friends with Tommy and keep him company with his letters, but he still has no power over the actual issue at hand. Just trying to make it a bit more bearable. Similarly is Techno, while Ranboo still participated in the butcher army that was trying to kill him, he helped in the meantime until he “died”.

And then it’s the Realization that participating in the system doesn’t really help much, and the subsequent Everything. It could be getting mad at the whole government system and that he didn’t mean to contribute to the harm, or how he fought with Fundy using hs ideology but not in the way that Ranboo thought. It could also be standing up to his hallucination Dream, in that he doesn’t try this hard to be a good person just to be accused of helping with all of the things that he may or may not have helped with. (That is… a discussion for not right now, I don’t know.) And I think this sort of area is also where it’s like they’d rather die is also relevant, cause Doomsday. Nobody could just set aside their governments and just get along, though Ranboo had his own solution to fighting and things.

And then he joins the Syndicate! And the lyrics of the song are directly Government Bad, because government bad. Canon anarchist, has done things that he’s not proud of as a part of the government. The lines it was the government / … It got louder over the years / Until all that I could hear was flies and all.

But honestly I think in the Syndicate he’s still trying to “save the sick”! Because the Syndicate don’t All fit eye to eye either. He’s the token pacifist, and a vote against violence whenever it comes down to it. Not all anarchists are violent but Techno and Phil will probably react strongly when provoked, due to All the past events, and I live in a world where their trauma and issues get talked about as much as everyone else’s. Since everything is decided by vote it’d probably be split between them and Ranboo + Niki, who is in her healing/no longer resorting to murder arc. He’ll help them negotiate and then everything will Be Okay, ideally.

(Also I just like the idea of Ranboo believing that he is helping the people he’s living with because canonically cc!Ranboo has said he just really cares about his family and the syndicate are included in his family shut up but they also just believe they’re helping him and yes it’s self indulgent. I care them. Particularly Endduo, actually, or whatever they're called, I am not bold enough to think Ranboo looks at Techno and thinks I Can Fix Him, but. Philza Minecraft will one day talk about his feelings. One day.)

There’s also radioduo and beeduo as of recent— really I’m just saying I think that Ranboo constantly has a Need To Help People, believes he can do it, and it will come back to hurt him in the end (except for the Syndicate because I’m in denial. The Syndicate can’t fall out if they never stream together :) ).

THIS CONCLUDES THE AMERICAN HEALTHCARE PORTION OF OUR SHOW.

The Only House That’s Not on Fire Yet !! I like this one. This is also blatantly there cause Syndicate. They are the only faction that is not actively falling apart, and this could absolutely be because they never stream together. But I do not care. However we are also going to go through this one piece by piece because we’re nearing 1500 words here and I might as well embarrass myself more. I am writing an incredibly informal essay about Ranboo My _Beloved (i assume his middle name is My, and he’s just one of those people who write his full full name) and this is the third page. If you’re still reading this, I’m sorry. Here we go.

There are lines that just seem like an unwell but recovering person, and I like to sort of think that way about Ranboo in the arctic during the down time. “I feel knotted up today / But in a most exquisite way” and “I feel strangely regular / But honestly I prefer it to / The usual bizarre” are just! He’s just hanging out. He’s doing good. There is the acknowledgement that he’s usually not doing well, and all of the episodes that he’s had in the past, and it’s probably strange to be doing well in the midst of everything, and there’s probably something impending, but now? He’s doing good!

The verses directly after both of those ones are about uncertainty and trust and such, and I feel like that’s not necessarily about just One relationship but all of them. Will cause problems as long as he has an accomplice. He is not confident but he trusts and loves people.

“This suit doesn’t fit me / I made it conterfeitly” I just like to think about Ranboo in his fancy suit, but it’s just a little wrong because he actually has no idea what he’s doing. I also like to think about Ranboo in a cape to fit in with boreal trio and later the syndicate, and emerald duo had matchy blue outfits from the Antarctic Empire… and trying to fit in with them…. or maybe They make him something.. You know. Much to think about.

“Killing me with déjà vu” I think is like. A little less fun, because despite how well things are going, the enderwalk is still not resolved and he had even less answers when I started thinking “this is a ranboo song”. Just as it relates to having a strange sense of reality and stuff, which goes into specifics of enderwalk headcanons, which would make this far longer. Even though I’ve framed it as a negative, there is also the more positive note of “Oh! I just thought of how to change all the hate / Into love with the old switcheroo / Dancing in my déjà vu / You'll be dancing too” which I’d rather explain broken up but I feel like as it’s a full verse it should be together. The first part is connected to my general thoughts of him explained earlier tbh, he’s trying Very Hard to make everyone happy and fix things. And adding the second part to it is just like! He is trying to make sense of everything, and it’s not so scary as time goes by. Since the experiments where he’s been (questionably) trying to be more comfortable and get more answers.

This was very long. I am sorry. I am ending it here and probably not going to do much formatting to make it readable because it is very late o’clock and also this is four pages and 2000 words I am so sorry. But if you read this far then. Uhhh thank. ^v^.

[pies-writes-and-more]

PIES’ FIC RECOMMENDATIONS FOR JUNE 2020

Click HERE for the amazing fics I read in May 2020!

NOTE: If you’ve got an incredible fic that you are super proud of or if you think that I should read something you’ve read, PLEASE SEND IT TO ME! I’m really big on StevexFem!Reader, BuckyxFem!Reader, WandaxFem!Reader, CarolxFem!Reader, and Stucky fics!!! (And of course any fics with gender neutral readers is ALWAYS welcome :) )

If you do end up reading these fics, please tag me if you reblog them or comment on them!! I’d love to see your guys’ reactions :)

PS. if these links dont work for some reason, please let me know so I can update this list because I was very distracted halfway through making this so it might not be perfect!

SPECIAL MENTION FIC/POEM RECOMMENDATION

Okay so I’m not doing this because I’m trying to give myself a shoutout however, @wxstedhexrt​ and I have been collaborating in a poetry inspired fanfic collection called Falling! Tis a BuckyxFem!Reader series and if I do say so myself, it’s fucking adorable. 

The real reason I’m mentioning it is because @wxstedhexrt​‘s poems are some of the most real and gorgeously written things I’ve ever met so please give them a look! 

She has this series on Achilles and Patroclus, this collection about the word Silver, gorgeous poems from last year (involving Icarus, Apollo, and Helen of Troy), and so many more!!! Check out the tag #poetry or #mywriting on her blog!!! Send her some love :)

ANYWAYS BACK TO THE FANFICS!

1. Homecoming by @scentedsongrebel | Steve Rogers x Desi!Reader “You bring Steve to Mumbai to meet your family“ Yall want some wonderful representation in your fic reading!!??? READ THIS ONE! It’s so fucking wholesome and I love the whole story line of Steve learning more about his partner’s culture so that he can impress her family. Fucking adorable. 100% fluff with a wonderfully diverse reader and author!!!!

2. Iced Tea by @kaunis-sielu | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader I don’t think there’s an official summary for this fic ( @kaunis-sielu pls correct me if I’m wrong) BUT LEMME TELL YALL. I AM A SUCKER FOR BIKER FICS. WE LOVE BIKER STEVE. This was 100% FLUFFY and we LOVE IT. Amazing job!!!!!!

3. let me show you by @moteldwelling | Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader bucky gives reader a “redo” on her first time, and takes her virginity. Listen here people. This smut took my soul and dragged me to hell and back. I am a SUCKER for Bucky fics but this one like took my life away. We love a man who makes sure his lady is having a good time when being intimate with her!!!!! we stan a good boi. Anyways if I keep thinking about this fic, I’mma need to go shower so I’mma end this here. Go read for yourselves and then cry with me about why Bucky Barnes isn’t in our lives. 18+ readers only of course! 100% HOT. FUCKING. SMUT.

4. Under the Rainbow, Draga mea by @binkysteebnpewter | Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader Again, I don’t think there’s an official summary for this (pls correct me if I’m wrong @binkysteebnpewter) and YES, I KNOW i put this in my May recommendations but I finished reading the series in JUNE so it is HERE AGAIN and DESERVES to be HERE AGAIN BECAUSE WE LOVE FICS WITH 100% GAY SHIT AND LOVE <3 I am a fucking sucker for the love that Wanda and this Reader have together. If you’re not convinced, ask @wxstedhexrt how much I cried reading it lol. anyways an amazing series that I will continue to go back reading again and again because i LOVE wlw fics <3 

5. Oh no, that’s bad by @andyl394 | Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader You’re a college student, you’re mad angry, Bucky ruins your paper, that’s not good is it? I read through this 20-part series like there was NO TOMORROW and god DAMN. We love hilarious social media AUs but this one really killed me. I always love Bucky who is soft and shy in fics but the Bucky in this fic was a LITTLE SHIT and i had so much ANGST. Anyways, if you read this fic, you may want to slap the characters BUT I PROMISE THERES AN ADORABLE HAPPY ENDING!!!! 100% INCREDIBLE

6. Home by @evanstush | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader It’s been 2 years since the last battle and it’s now Morgan’s 7th birthday, and well, Tony being Tony, he prepared a small party for her little girl, inviting everyone from the team, including you. So Kate decided to rip my heart out with this fic and have me on my knees sobbing so that’s cool. That’s it, that’s all I have to say. JK, this fic actually is like half and half FLUFF and ANGST but lord is it worth it. Kate, you know I adore you so much and your fics play a big part in why! God this girl deserves more love on these stories because holy shit I’m DEAD.

7. Baby Self by @honeyloverogers | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader Alternative to Babies! Assemble, What if it was you that got turned into a baby instead? YALL WANT FUCKING FLUFF!?!?!?! 1000000000% FLUFFFFFFF AND CUTENESSSSSS (with like a little bit of a piece of shit lady who comes around but like its cool because a baby says fuck lol) THIS WAS A FIC WRITTEN LIKE NO OTHER. I LOVED IT SO MUCH. IT WAS SO PERFECT. Think of endgame and that moment when Scott turns into a baby??? Yeah now scratch that and think of Y/N if SHE turned into a baby and the avengers couldn’t figure out how to turn her back right away so now everyone has to take care of this baby HGOIDHFOISHFOISDHF the baby fever was so real in this fic ughhhhh <3 

8. Insecurities by @evanstush | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader You’re 7 months pregnant, and you can’t help be so insecure about some things. And here’s Kate again bringing me back to life with more wholesome fluff and a wholesome husband who loves his wife so fucking much and ugh i- i read this fic over and over sometimes and it just makes me realize how much i want this adhfoiasjdfoi <3 I aint pregnant but if I WAS i would want this steve to be comforting me ugh 103874203847% FLUFFFFFFF <3 

9. Requested fic (idk if it has a name??? sorry) by @donutloverxo | Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader Request: Hey, as for the headcanon requests how about Steve giving a lift to a girl in need when it's raining heavily or smth? I don't know where this idea came from 😅 Did yall need some confirmation that Sarah Rogers raised her son the fucking right way?!?!? WELL HERE YOU GO. THIS MANS OUT HERE BEING AN ABSOLUTE SWEETHEART <3 ugh we love wholesome drabbles really <3 amazing workkkkk!!!!!

10. Leather and Lace by @queen-kass-the-writer​ | Steve Rogers x AFuckingKickAssFem!OC :) Steve Rogers hardly expects anything to come out of a sleepy night at his new favorite dive bar until a pristinely dressed little lady saunters into the bar with a delicate smile but a wicked uppercut. Biker!Steve x Helena Alright so this is a little different than the above fics because THIS IS AN OC FIC :D now if any of yall know me I don’t tend to read OC fics HOWEVER Kass is INCREDIBLE at churning out fics. I had gave her an idea of a Biker Steve fic and like BAM she made it :O (seriously i don’t know how that is... to have an idea... and actually produce it?!??!) It’s a hilarious story of Biker Steve being head over heels Helena which is adorable (and a character named after me being Bucky’s shithead date lol hilarious) YALL BETTER READ THIS SHIT BECAUSE IT’S 100% WONDERFUL

** ** ** ** ** ** **

Okay so I know that this list is FAR shorter than my last recommendations list. I suckkkkked at reading fics this month lol. I’m definitely going to try and read more in July so here’s to hoping! Love you all a ton :D

[nonbinaryresource]

ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities.  A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

[zodiacrant]

Stereotypes explained:

Sagittarius

Bites more than they can chew: Sagittarius loves to explore and wants to learn from things but they prefer to go to the top and all the way instead of going slow and learn. So say if they play a new video game they’ll skip the tutorial and play the game on the highest level.

Word vomiting and doesn’t know their place: Sagittarius have a sense of ideals that people may not understand but they apply, so say they heard you talk about someone then in front of that someone you were acting nice they get angry because they feel lied to and manipulated. Sagittarius believes in the hard bitter truth over the sweet lies so they won’t change that just because you don’t feel so, however like any person they can violate other people’s space or privacy but they’ll understand and respect you if you tell them off.

They live in their own world in their head and think everything in there is the same as the entire world logic: aren’t we all? Expect they don’t shy away from it and may over confidently voice it.

Capricorn

Emotionless and cold: “the most ruthless were the most kindest “, something I believe is the case with many earth signs and especially Capricorns. It may seem like they don’t care but it’s mostly a defense mechanism which they use to make sure you’ll go all the way for them so they’ll show you their more intimate self.

Workaholics: Capricorns May be driven towards success but not all their goals and dreams are academic or typical kind of jobs. It may seem to some that all they care about is work but they just want to fulfill their dreams.

Boring: I never understand why some people describe a whole sign as “boring”. Just because they don’t want to party every night or sneak out at night or skip school doesn’t make someone boring. Just because they don’t want to do what you wanted or them having different interests doesn’t make them boring.

Aquarius

Would do anything to be different: we all want to be different in way or the other, however it seems this stereotype comes from either a place of misunderstanding or envy. Aquarius tend to have a lot of eccentric and bold appearance and very off the wall ideas so they tend to be interested in unconventional things like art, which lead them to be quite competitive and frustrated with people not understanding them or people trying to be “cool” by being unconventional and eccentric.

Doesn’t care about anything or anyone: it may come off as such but Aquarius cares a lot actually, from people who drive crazy to those who dont say thank you when you open the door Aquarius cares about a lot of things and how they affect the world and the bigger picture so it may not look like it but they very much do.

Uncompromising and doesn’t give people a second chance: Aquarius expects people to deliver when they ask them for something or they’re working with them, they up hold themselves and others to a standard where they have to make it work or not do it at all.

Pisces

Always daydreaming: I don’t know about this and I have never known a Pisces that daydreams a lot but I have met those who forget a lot, so for as far as I know they might be trying to remember something.

Weak and a sensitive snowflake: Pisces can be sweet but calling someone weak because they’re kind or considerate is a cheap shot.

A stoner: really! Do I need to explain why this one is wrong.

Aries

Angry and short tempered: Aries is a very chill person and if you see them angry often that means they either love you so they show you their emotions or hate you and you piss them off often

Strong headed and likes to be the best: as a cardinal sign Aries is prone to be competitive and wanting to win, however, it doesn’t necessarily means that Aries would tear people to be the best and that they have to. I don’t find being strong headed as a bad thing, I find as an asset that needs to be controlled.

Bullies and dictators: a very disgusting stereotype that was put on Aries, some would even hold them accountable for certain actions that were made by a certain asshole. Stop.

Taurus

Lazy and loves to eat a lot : one of the zodiacs most known stereotype, I actually find it very funny that a very hard working sign get to be called lazy for loving to relax, Taurus is a sign of habit but that doesn’t mean they sit on their ass eating all day in matter in fact most of the Tauruses that I know ended up being successful at a younger age and got their shit together earlier and faster than their counterparts so I find it quite ridiculous.

Hates change and rigid: Taurus is a very stable sign and get very comfortable when they’re happy in their position, however you haven’t lived until you saw a Taurus change up, they changed completely and I mean completely and I am not only talking hairstyles but also friends and styles and even jobs. Yes they hate change but when they do it’s like taking the ground and flip it upside down.

An asshole towards others and doesn’t respect other opinions: as a fixed sign Taurus doesn’t take apposition very lightly, but unless they ask you for your opinion they really don’t want to hear it and unless you’re better than them at that certain thing then they’ll never going to take your advice and move on and I actually like that about them.

Gemini

Always talks and doesn’t shut up: here we’re at the most hated sign. Gemini’s have a very quick yet short term thinking span so when they get excited or talk about something they let it all out so they won’t forget about it or get over, and personally I love someone who can hold a conversation with anyone since I find it difficult myself.

Two faced and cheaters: we need to pump the brakes on this one because it’s very disgusting to call someone these things because of their sign and people actually made a sport out of making fun of Gemini’s. Gemini loves to fly and doesn’t like to be stranded and settle when they think there’s something better for them and if you’re not then they’ll leave.I have never met a cheating Gemini, all of those that I have met are actually loyal to a fault, they stand up for their friends even when they know their friends are wrong, they even stay in a horrible relationship just because they don’t want to break someone heart and give respect to their relationship.

Liars and make stories up: I think we’re all guilty of adding spice or over exaggerated a certain event to make it more interesting but Gemini’s are terrible liars and that’s why they get caught when they do, however that doesn’t mean they’re all liars just because whoever the fuck said so on their page.

Cancer

Cry babies: Probably second to Gemini on the most known stereotype, I find cancer emotionaly intelligent which most people lack. Emotional doesn’t mean someone who always cry but rather someone who understands their emotions and can describe them very well so I don’t see them crying as weakness but rather a way of relief that I wish I had honestly

Always jealous: cancers are known for their protective behavior and sometimes it may come off possessive and that it comes from a place of Jealousy but they mean well as they tend to be fearful of their loved ones get harmed or hurt. In a relationship a cancer wants to be with their partner and experience things with them so they might have a fit if you’d leave them to hang out with someone else and yes they would be jealous over you since they love however it may come off as very ridcal and immature but if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be a pain in your ass

Insecure: just like with emotions cancers are open about their struggles and tend to express them early on more so than the other signs. Just like any person they might feel not good enough or that they’re a failure and so on, but cancers care a lot about making something to fullest. As a cardinal sign they feel insecurities very often and can’t help but express them since it’s in their nature.

Leo

Narcissistic and self centered: a big misconception about Leo’s that they’re self absorbed, think they’re the best and doesn’t think about anyone else, but actually they feel very much like the worst so they act like the best to help them feel otherwise. As of the narcissistic claims Leo’s might be proud but narcissism requires a whole different kind of doucheness, as a fixed sign Leo’s are stubborn and might come off as stuck up but it’s just their confidence and big personality.

Lazy and big procrastinators: like the lion Leo’s have their ways, they love to sleep and eat and chill but when it comes down to it they turn it out and go all the way.

Must be the queen B and demands attention: this one is very stupid in its self because they associate mean girls from movies to Leo’s and I honestly have no words

Virgo

OCD: this is a mental illness and many people get offended by this whether they’re Virgos or someone who actually suffers from OCD, and I don’t tolerate such insensitivities and inconsiderate behaviors.

Stuck up: this might come from Virgos love for success, as an earth sign Virgo might come off insensitive and monotoned but it’s just how they’re and they don’t mean it to come off as such , since all earth signs value work and this might be seen since they have a confident attitude.

The mean kid in school: just because they associate signs with certain movie stereotypes that doesn’t make it applicable to a whole sign.

Libra

Whores: why? No really why? This is very gagging and not in the good way. Just because they love to look good doesn’t mean they’re asking for it.

Manipulative: Libras calm nature and hate for confrontations and loudness make them look manipulative and doing something under the table when all they want is to get out of the situation

Sympathy seekers: Libras are known for their diplomatic approach and because most people are not sometimes they want to feel understood on how they want to be say both of their friends friend but keep out of their drama without looking bad

Scorpio

Any kind of criminal label you could think of: doesn’t need an explanation to see why it’s stupid and unnecessary.

Addicted to sex: sex is a very instinctive thing but we don’t need it. Addiction to sex suggest that there’s a problem hence the word addicted and so also with this I don’t need to explain this besides that people have sex with who they want so mind what’s going on in your pants and you’ll get a significant other instead worrying about others sex life

Satan: .............................what?

So these are all the big stereotypes I know there are more but I wanted the most known and the most disgusting so let me know about other stereotypes and tell me what do you think is the reason behind each stereotype.

(please follow and share your dirt on the signs ☕️. )

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

"Uruguay already landed and took off with no problems"

Matt and Abu start to tear up... And they will make me cry like a hyena laughs

"Suck it up buttercups, i don't need you two that won't even go see your wives (soulmates/half and halves) crying in my face! You got better things to do!"

....

Some have phones, but have limitations...

Abu had told them to call the consulates or embassies if they ever got a chance to escape.

Because he would bring some kidnapped ones, the badder ones here or there and tell them "escape" and i was arguing with one and told her "don't be stupid call the American Embassy, they will protect you!"

Anyways she was stupid and went back to Iraq pregnant.

Because I'm worthless and no good and a liar. So mom says as it was mom. Not that i believed that but now i know she was. And i still tried to help her.

And so Abu was all "explain me everything you know about this"

So i did and how an embassy or consulate is actually a little section of land in a country that belongs to another country

So a diplomat from Liberia, in America, would go to an embassy for the Librerians and it is considered to be Liberia land although its actually our land we allow them to use. They are protected by their laws from us there. As are their people and so on. So we can't go with an American search warrant for their home. We have to call Liberia and say, "look you sent us a fucktard and im about to kill him so you need to help us help you keep him alive"

And so Abu told everyone he could and even wrote the phone numbers on strips of papers.

So, for Uruguay, two people called their consulate and asked for help when they received emails of their release.

Apparently one said "come get me! They said she said we can be released! I don't know where i am! Help please!"

So with the phone call they were able to pinpoint their coordinates although the GPS is disabled in their phone -- no hack can break the GPS and if one ever does someone goes and repairs it.

Uruguay knew about the farms and their people but because the Queen owns them There's nothing anyone would do about it. But the Queen knows i have no trouble beating her ass because last time I saw her i did because she got undressed while Abu and Matt were screaming for help. So i beat her ass and yankyy her facey --- i did sit down and therapy talk her and asked her like she was 5, nice, to get dressed and ber and i would go have lunch in public and be normal. But she refused and got belligerent like we been getting drunk and high for 9 days without sleep or food. So. We came to an understanding about this situation so no one has to get beat up. Plus i terrorized her husband a few weeks ago and he had to move out the next day... Cause she kicked him out and she said she wanted me to kill him and his Goddam light turning on and off pissed me off.

**pet the chin of a dog of someone you hate then yell "you know what poison is?? Its too cold for your dog to be outside!" When they go to the door to see what you're doing at their gate.

He moved but left his dog after crying all night and i see him running all over the neighborhood now. Supposedly he's trained to kill but hes super sweet and doesn't even act mean.. Runs around smiling all sweet and listens and doesn't bark... He barks locked in the yard tho. Pit bull. Male.

Anyways. It could speed up the process if someone calls and says how many they have and etc.

Uruguay had 15 people at 2 farms so one of the smaller farms took two trucks to each farm and picked them up.

Then they waited at the small farm for the pick up from the military. So about 24 hours it took for that but about 2 days to hear whar to do from Uruguay.

Mexico has 90% so they're doing as much planning as possible and preparing the transition site.

At the transition site, they will get stories of the people. Everything they can remember and use newspapers and other information like police records and anything they can find to help the families be found for the victims.

As soon as possible they will be provided a phone to contact their families with a counselor present and they will have constant communication with their families until they are home

Because there are so many people, about 2,000 it will take weeks to cover everyone.

So we have field trips planned for those in the safe haven.

They will go out and see local sights, eat in restaurants and be tourists and be given ("free") spending money for their own souvenirs and goods.

They will be heavily guarded and protected. And it's voluntary. We split them into small groups and they can choose to go to which trip when.

Its their first taste of decision making and freedom to live as they have had the right to all this time.

So we are excited for this for them as well as Uruguay being able to take theirs home for the holidays. Uruguay will have a similar program for them as well.

At larger facilities: Our program has days with a group staying at the temporary home to be interviewed and use computers and to rest if it is not time for them to interview, catch up on laundry and things like that. This way they dont miss out on trips but have time "off" to rest and reflect.

Trips aren't everyday, tho. Because we don't want to overwhelm them with the outside world and make them feel they can't choose to be free.

~~~~~~~💞

Mexico and i worked last night for a celebration in the summer. So the victims can all see each other again. And celebrate their freedom together. Again heavily guarded and protected. There we will have a festival explaining many different religions, including Islam and Iraq customs, in hopes to further develop peace and tranquility. We prepared some fun challenges to recognize emotional PTSD and how to overcome the sudden overwhelming feelings with pride and happiness and most of all personal strength. For example: a fun water park with water slides and such... Realizing many may not be able to swim, the victims may feel intense fear and panic. However there will be life guards in the towers and in the water and swim instructors and life vests and everything to make it perfectly safe and enjoyable. So to overcome that intense fear is a self empowerment movement for the victims. We hope they have so much fun they dont even realize how much progress they made until they are safe and warm in their beds and they drift happily to sleep and God holds their hands and tells them how proud he is.

So Mexico has said they will provide program material with the detailed information of the challanges to expect, this way they can recognize their feelings that they have been taught to suppress. Initially and also how to expect to overcome the problomatic issues.

So we hope all the victims and their chosen family members from home choose to go and see us. And choose to educate themselves and heal and to see their friends they made in captivity.

While it is normal and expected to hate those who captured and enslaved the victims, the victims themselves always made the best of a bad situation and they made friends and families of their co-workers. We don't want to tear apart yet another family for these people. So we plan to have bi-yearly free events for them to see one another. Just as the military and its affiliates would for war veterans here in America.

Being a military brat, I've had my chosen family torn apart all the time. Being a victim of the two main kidnappers and the owner of the farms, i have had my blood family torn apart as well as many friends kidnapped and murdered. Thus I have complete understanding how not having the opportunity to see my family and friends again is harmful to the heart. And soul and mind. So i cannot allow that to happen to these unfortunate souls that have suffered as long as i Have. I see them no different than myself, in the way I want them to be cared for. As i have not been cared for, it will be extravagant, as the days go wearily by, I realize how much more i deserve that i do not receive. So i can only imagine how they could feel without freedom so i hope to maximize as best as possible without interfering with their daily life So they can live as normal as they wish -- with the financial benefits they will receive. They have lived in horrid conditions and received no pay but food and housing and worked daily. Thus they will be taken care of financially and their only job is to be happy, wise and free. And spend time with their families, sharing memories and making more. Live, laugh, love. That is their jobs. And they will be paid nicely for that. The governments are working together to sort all that out. And it seems that it will be a conglomeration of tax payer dollars not from any one country. Mainly the drug manufacturing countries, that benefited financially.

We have elected to have the first one big celebration to televised on worldwide television, including Netflix. So those not invited have no need to crash our party. As There are many surprises scheduled that should delight the nations.

[marias-studyblr]

Hey there. I just want to pour whats in my head lately. Idk whats happening but i feel like i dont do well in med school anymore. (i used to get straight A's, but these day its just kinda hard). I dont feel good about this mentally and i am tired seeing my friends's faces everyday thinking they would judge me based on my performance. And this whole thing keep draining me :/ i just want dissapear.

Hello love. you can always pour your head in my inbox! :)

🥀

I understand you completely.

and I know almost every student has to cope with this feeling of not meeting other people’s expectations. we are not alone!

I think the fact is we all have our ups and downs. Our grades fluctuate. And we are our own best critics because we know every single grade we have by heart. We know how much and how well we studied for those tests, we know things other people don’t.

When we critique ourselves like that, we must see it in the brighter light and not in a damaging way.

However, we can’t control the way others judge us.

🥀

The truth is, in my experience, there were a lot of my colleagues and teachers who were curious to know everyone’s grades, mine included. And unfortunately, grades at my college are absolutely public. 

Some people are more discrete about it and others just bluntly asked me and even insisted (in a nice way, nothing rude) when I said no. I can’t vouch that it’s the same for everyone but it was my experience. It always frustrates me why people are so obsessed with everyone’s results. However, however, that doesn’t make them bad people.

🥀

I also have had experiences with strangers, teachers, other students, treating me differently because of my grades. This is a reality I never talked about in here. for example, colleagues asking me for advice and stuff after they know I had a good grade and abruptly stop after I get a lower grade. it’s just those subtleties, no one has ever actually been rude to me! and I understand where they are coming from!

but to me, it sounds like they suddenly thought I was a genius as soon as I got a high grade. intelligence and scores have no correlation, or at least, there are so many other factors pending on the score. It’s easy to forget that.

and because my grades have fluctuated a bunch in this first year, from high to mediocre, I got those experiences a lot.

and I wish I could tell you, “no, no one cares about your grades”, but that’s just not what I experienced.

Obviously, there are a lot of people who don’t care about your grades. I never check anyone else’s grades, both by principle and to not compare myself, and I know people who don’t either. I just know what people feel comfortable telling me spontaneously and I prefer it that way.

But at the end of the day, you have to be prepared to deal with these situations.

🌼 dealing mentally with it

You have to remind yourself that at the end of the day, only you can judge your grades because once again, you know things others don’t. And only you can say if you are satisfied with them or not. It’s an introspective evaluation.

Bad grades motivate me to do better, to be better. I take full responsibility and I want to do better for myself and for my parents.

But bad grades shouldn’t take away my self-worth, they don’t remove anything from me. They don’t take away my intelligence, my wit, my past and future success. It’s just a failure along the way, among many other successes and failures, that’s just how life is. For everyone.

When it comes to colleagues knowing, instead of seeing it as being draining, see it as a way to motivate yourself for the next test, the next grade, where you’ll be able to surprise them with a better grade. I always turn my inner Elle Woods on. It’s nice to just work in silence, understand your mistakes, and then see your efforts rewarded when you do end up achieving a better result, and being recognized for it. If you feel underestimated, let that fuel you.

You can prove you can get good grades to whoever you think you need to prove that to.

Keep in mind though, that once you do, you’ll see that feeling is very superficial. Don’t let those numbers be the only thing you feel proud about in your medicine education!

Being used to having straight A’s and then getting a few bad grades in a row, even when working hard, it’s a very humbling process. It’s more of a hit to your ego than anything else because obviously people know you are a good student, they know you. So it’s more of a mental leap that you have to make - a separation between what defines you as a student and your grades or results.

Also, I want you to keep in mind that

true friends don’t judge your worth by your school performance. Friends care about you. Sometimes we project our insecurities in our conversations, so maybe it’s the case that your friends aren’t judging you by your grades but you’re scared they will.

The best policy is always to have an honest conversation, I always explain my feelings to the people I care about, when I’m feeling scared they are going to judge me, I tell them. 

And without a fail, my friends and family support me.

👩‍🎓 all students go through it!

Like I’ve said before, these things happen to everyone. You may think that your friends, especially in medicine, that we’re all made of steel, that good students don’t have insecurities. But we all do. Of course we do.

Me and my classmates we were very honest with each other throughout the year, and I could see that we were all scared. Even the most confident ones. Tests, college, it’s hard. Everyone is human. Failures happen and we get sad.

So don’t feel like you’re the only one just because some people show more confidence. We all have our insecurities.

🕊️ 

Either way - either if it’s fear that you need to surpass or if it’s a real experience - the way to deal with judgement from others comes from within.

You need to be self confident enough to know that your self worth is not based on your grades.

You need to understand how amazing and hardworking you are and reward yourself, even when failure happens, and no matter what anyone thinks!! It’s all good.

Wanting to disappear, hide in a hole, you can do that. But was it good for if you’re still carrying all that weight inside of you?

You need to let that weight go.

Let the insecurities go, just be happy and grateful that you are doing the best you can, in the course you love, enjoying it while advancing in your career.

When you’re old and look back, the grades won’t matter. The experiences will.

Ok. 

I’m going to stop writing now ahah I hope this was able to ease your mind a little bit.

This question, I just, I can relate to it a lot. It was sent a few days ago, so I hope you’re feeling better by now.

You can always count on me, and I think you are doing absolutely amazing.

There are bumps and lows. Keep working hard. I know you will be able to get your results where you want them to be.

❤️ a huge hug! sending happy vibes your way ~ ❤️❤️❤️ anything else my inbox is always open for you

[simple-skarsgard]

The Balcony Scene

Requested; no Prompt: Bill brings you away from the ledge. A/N: I’ve been working on requests, but have been extremely depressed lately and been wanting to write a piece like this as vent writing and I figured some of my followers may need this to. If you’re sad, I’m sorry. I hope this piece helps you in any way and brings you some comfort and I’m glad you’re alive to read this. Keep fighting my lovelies.  Warning: Suicide Attempt, Mentions of self harm (It has a happy ending, but I am in no way romanticizing mental illness. I just used this to make myself feel okay and anyone who can relate.)

It was cold. The night was beautiful, but so sad. It’s bitter winds biting into your warm, flushed, tear-stained cheeks as your eyes looked over every midnight city light adorning the buildings all around you.

You were sat on the cold concrete edge of the balcony to yours and Bill’s current hotel room. Despite being wrapped in a robe and having easy access to the warmth of a coat in your luggage, you remained planted there. The gentle breeze caressing your loose hair, making you occasionally tuck it behind the curve of your ear.

The night may have been quiet..calm.. still.. but it was anything but peaceful. Not within the emptiness aching in your chest or the thoughts endlessly stuck on loop with thoughts you’d much rather not have welcomed if you had a choice in the matter. 

Looking down between your legs to the far beneath busy streets that were twenty floors under you, you were wondering what it would feel like just to let go. 

No. You would never..

Your hands tighten around the fabric of your robe before letting go to grip the edge, daring yourself to scoot closer just to have a better look..

Just leaning in further made your heart race, palms begin to sweat and fingertips tremble.

You close your eyes and take a shaky breath before reaching over to the nearly empty bottle of vodka to your right. Tilting it back to your lips you take a long drink, feeling the fire run down the back of your throat and the stinging sensation followed in your chest and depths of your tummy. It made you numb  to the coolness surrounding you with the exception of it running over the wetness of your cheeks being the only reminder that no amount of warmth brought by alcohol- or anything of that matter- could warm the coldness inside you.

Bill made you happy, so happy that you’d actually learned to love and let yourself be loved. He’d been such a big help in your last few years together in maintaining your mental health the best he possibly could from where he stood. He was always looking to make sure you were okay, offered anything to make you feel better. Whether it ranged from candies and sweets to love making to crying yourself to sleep in his arms.

A lot of the time you felt you didn’t deserve such an amazing man, but hell you had him and were grateful and felt lucky to have found a love people only believe existed in movies or books.

He’d been such a big help in your recovery, but recently the thoughts were starting to come back. Things were starting to get bad again and you had no clue as to why this hell was beginning to weigh on you when it seemed you’d finally managed to be the happiest you’ve ever been.

It’d been so long since such a terrible episode that you didn’t want Bill to become annoyed with your sudden step back. You didn’t tell him you went back to the razor blade. You didn’t tell him when you were sad. You were pushing him away, afraid if he were to see the freshly etched scars in your thighs or stomach or shoulders that he’d leave.

He wouldn’t want to do it all over again with you, there was no way someone could have that much will power to deal with you for so long. That’s how it felt. That nobody would ever want to help you pick yourself back up after several dozen times of failing. 

A sob building in your throat escaped and more tears scurried down your cheeks as your shoulders shook and you tried to silence your already silenced pain even further. You shook your head to yourself as if saying there was no way you could possibly keep doing this to yourself. No way you could possibly keep doing this to Bill.

It’d be easier to jump.

You drank the last several gulps of your drink all in one go and hissed at the stinging burning into your insides before you dropped the bottle to the balcony floor, hearing it clatter and roll to a stop.

Drawing in a long breath you tighten your hold on the edges of the ledge and wiggle your toes preparing to take the leap.

A door creaking open came from not far behind you. 

“(Y/n)?” Bill’s voice came into your hearing and suddenly the urge to jump before he could stop you grew increasingly fast. 

Bill peeked his head from behind the door and saw your back to him on the balcony ledge and for a second he feared he was too late,but to some relief you were planted still.

“(Y/n),” he rushed in, but knew not to get to close out of fear that you’d jump if he did. He took cautious steps as if walking on a mine field and one wrong step would cause a disaster that nobody would want to be apart of.

“Sweetheart,” his hand was reaching out in motions of gesturing for you to slow down and hear him out, trying to ease you down even if you weren’t looking at him,”Don’t do anything drastic, please.”

You didn’t do anything but turn to face him and saw him flinch as if he could already see you falling off, but you looked at him with empty eyes.

“Hey,” your voice was flat, but broke as your forced a dry smile,”How was the audition, honey?”

“(Y/n),” he was trying so hard not to show his fear in his voice, but failing just as hard.”Let’s talk, sweetheart, yeah?”

“Talk about what, Bill?!” You snapped, making him immediately stop. He was several feet from you and suddenly everything was crashing down on you.

“Talk about how I’ve been feeling like the worst person alive for the last few months and have been hiding it from you because you don’t need me in your life?!” the sobs were racking your body so hard, Bill was afraid you’d fall without even making the decision yourself.

“That’s not true, (Y/n),” even in this situation his voice was stern and solid. Like he couldn’t be more sure of this fact than anything else in the world.

“It feels like it is,” you sobbed and shook your head,”I feel like I’m bringing you down and you could be so much happier without me and I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way when all you’ve ever done was be so good to me. So good to me.”

It was always a cruel sense of humor to think you’d have someone to prove their love to you day in and day out in ways you never even considered possible and still question your value to them or if they meant what they said or did.

“(Y/n),  please just get down baby please we can talk this out however you want just please get down from there,” the tears in his eyes were becoming impossible to hold back as he dared to take a step closer. “You know I’ll listen to you over and over day and night if I have to.”

“But you don’t deserve to be put through that,” your lips were quivering and voice straining,”you shouldn’t have to be doing all this for me just because I can’t be strong on my own. You deserve to be happy.”

“You make me happy, (Y/n),” his body held back at seeing your unconscious grip loosen from the edge. “Please don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to us, babygirl. You’re everything to me.”

You heard his words, but said nothing in return to give him a chance to talk to you. Seeing the fear and sadness in his eyes was making you doubt your decision.

“You’re so important to me and you’ve made me grow in ways I don’t even understand..”

He was crying now.

“The day I met you , I never knew that so far down the line you’d mean the world to me and I’d be lost without you here. I need you here and alive and to keep fighting, because I’m selfish and wouldn’t be okay without you by my side.”

You had been distraught while looking down at your hands while he was speaking you didn’t notice how much closer he’d gotten.

“I know you’re sad and I know you’re in so much pain and I wish I could take it all away from you, but I can’t and it terrifies me more than anything in the world that I have no control over the thoughts that tell you you’re not good enough,” he was steps away now.

“And if anything were to ever happen to you, I would never forgive myself for losing the most beautiful woman I could ever have the greatest good fortune of calling mine.”

Suddenly he wrapped his arms around you tight and threw himself backwards so you both landed on the floor. Though he made sure to protect your head when you landed and pressed your harder into his chest as your muffled crying grew quieter.

You sobbed loudly against his chest as he held you tight laying on the floor and he cried with you, kissing your forehead repeatedly.

‘Don’t you ever do that to me again,” he sobbed while gripping your hair tightly as if he was afraid of letting go..because he was. ‘Please don’t ever do that again, please.”

His own sobs had him trembling like a scared puppy and all you could do was hug him back and cry apologizing over and over for not knowing what came over you.

He shook his head as his tears fell and all he could do was be so glad to have you breathing in his arms even if you were crying your soul out. He wouldn’t have made it without you, there was no way he could be without you. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,  I’m sorry,” your broken breathing shook you violently as Bill suddenly pulled away to cup your face and kiss you tenderly. 

Pressing his forehead to yours as the two of your cried all he could do was whisper I love you’s and I care about you’s. 

‘It’s going to be okay,(Y/n),  I promise.”

A/n: I dont know how to feel about this. it didn’t turn out how i;d  imagined and I didnt expect to be crying either, but if you’re feeling down, please hang in there! You are doing such a good job of fighting this war and I believe in you and I am so fucking proud of you for being alive. 

[found915]

lessons.

Pairing: Modern!Steve Harrington x Named!Reader (female)

Words: 4,357

Summary: Emma finds herself partnered with Steve Harrington on a project, but it looks like they’re going to be spending even more time together when he decides he wants to learn to play guitar.

Warnings: Does fluff need a warning? Because this is pretty damn fluffy. Also, it might be terrible, so I guess a possible warning for that too?

A/N: DEDICATED TO @hairringtonsteve!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EMMA, MY LOVE!!! I hope you have a wonderful day and I hope you enjoy this little ficlet thing here. I don’t know, it might be trash... But you deserve the best and I hope it, at the very least, brings a smile to your face, gorgeous. You’re so beautiful and pure and good and kind and you deserve the whole world, so the least I could do is give you a small oneshot because you deserve your own Steve Harrington. Love you!!!

(Also, I apologize for any errors you may find because I haven’t slept yet and I’m half dead. I wanted this to be worthy of you, babe, but I’m not sure I quite made it, but I think it’s pretty cute, so... )

Oh, and texts from Steve are in bold and italics are Emma! I hope that’s not too confusing... It looks really messy tbh.

It’s not that Emma necessarily minded partner work, but it was just her luck that she got paired with the cutest guy in her class for this big project that was worth a good part of her grade. The same one who had led to her being very distracted quite a few times. The one with the amazing hair, the beautiful brown eyes, and the widest of grins. Steve-freakin’-Harrington. Emma had taken notice of him the first day of class, so maybe she paid a little extra attention when the roll was first called. Maybe she wanted to know the name of the guy who was sure to ruin her life. At the very least, ruin her semester.

Steve was honestly hard not to notice, though. Aside from the obvious good looks, he was pretty vocal in lecture. Not in that annoying way that makes you want to roll your eyes every time they speak, however. Emma would have much preferred it if Steve was just speaking because he loved the sound of his own voice. She’d honestly take anything that would make the boy seem less endearing to her, but no. No, Steve only interjected when he had something to contribute or to kill the awkward silences that seemed to linger after the professor asked a question. He was a bit of a hero in that way. It was beyond cringeworthy the few times the man had stood at the front of the room, waiting for some kind of response and getting nothing, before Steve started coming to his rescue.

Emma didn’t know who was more grateful, the professor or herself. Especially the few times the middle aged man decided to make the sleep-deprived college students laugh with his awful dad jokes. Once Steve had learned his role in the class, he made sure to never leave the man hanging, so he tended to laugh the loudest and, occasionally, compliment the joke, but there was one day that Emma found herself a little more delirious than normal from pulling an all-nighter and the joke that left the man’s lips was just so terrible, and he was so proud of it. She laughed far too loudly and far too long for it to be okay. What was even more mortifying was that Steve turned around, the biggest grin plastered on his face, chuckling at her reaction. Emma’s eyes widened as she covered her face with her palms, forever wishing for the clock to tick faster so she could go die in peace. Ever since that day, Steve seemed to turn in his chair every so often to gauge her reaction on things, much to the girl’s chagrin. Honestly, how was she supposed to focus now? It was one thing when she could make out just enough of his profile and stare at the back of his head, but now? Now, it was like he responded to certain things and wanted to know what she thought or like they were in on some kind of secret joke, but she had missed the punchline. It was nerve-wracking, to say the least.

So when Emma walked into class on a random Wednesday only for Mr. Welsh to announce that they needed to partner up for their midterm project, she turned to her left, fully prepared to ask the girl sitting on her row (despite knowing it probably wasn’t the best idea because of how often the girl fell asleep during lecture) before being startled by the sound of someone sitting in the seat on her right, making her jump a little. Turning her head so fast that she almost gave herself whiplash, Emma’s eyes widened as they connected with pools of brown. Steve chuckled at her alarm, giving her an impish grin that made the girl both want to smack him and kiss him because it was really damn cute.

“Mind being my partner, Emma?” Emma wasn’t sure how, but her eyes widened even more and her eyebrows were surely connected to her hairline at this point. She honestly couldn’t believe her name had left this boy’s lips when she had never even spoken to him. (Well, except for that time she briefly thanked him for holding the door as they left the classroom. She had thought about that for longer than she cared to admit.)

“How- how do you know my name?” she questioned. Roll hadn’t been called since week one and she was fairly certain she’d never been called on. Not to mention, she was as bad as the others about not speaking up in lecture. (The class started too early, okay?) Steve’s smile softened as he looked down, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I, uh, might have paid more attention during the roll call in week one than a person should…” Emma couldn’t help the blush that found its way onto her cheeks. She was fairly certain he meant in the general sense, but she was still a little shocked that he remembered her name. “So, uh, partners?” he coughed, feeling a little more awkward than he had when he initially sat down. Emma would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy seeing the boy squirm a little. It made her feel a little braver.

“Oh, I don’t know… I was going to ask Sleeping Beauty over there, but if you’re so desperate… I suppose I could have mercy on you,” Emma laughed softly as she watched a myriad of emotions pass over the boy’s features. He leaned forward in his seat to glance at the girl Emma had referenced, cracking up at how apt the description was.

“Well, I mean, I’d hate to steal you away from someone who’s obviously really eager to be here…”

“It’s fine. I’ve always thought myself to be a kind and charitable person. Giving back isn’t easy, you know?” Steve’s loud laugh, earned the two a few more stares than Emma was okay with, but she couldn’t exactly hide the grin on her face at the reaction.

Steve was beyond thrilled to see this side of the girl he had been a little too focused on since the beginning of the semester and he found it more than a little difficult to follow Mr. Welsh’s lecture that day, but he was damn glad the man had given him a reason to move seats and talk to her, even if it was the briefest of conversations. The boy was practically vibrating in his seat, trying to find another reason to talk to Emma, but when he noticed how focused she was, he decided to wait until lecture was over. As they were reminded of the deadline for the project one final time and dismissed, Steve watched Emma pack her backpack for a minute, before blurting out, “Can I get your number?” The girl quirked an eyebrow at him, halting her movements for a moment. “Uh, so we can get together to work on the project?” Steve tried his best to save face a bit, groaning internally at how desperate he sounded.

“Yeah, sure,” Emma shrugged, pulling her cell out of her back pocket and opening her contacts before passing the phone over to him. Steve followed her lead and did the same, passing over his own phone. After saving his contact information with a grin, he handed the girl back her phone, letting his fingers linger a little longer on hers than was absolutely necessary, lighting up even more as her blush returned. “Umm, right, well, I have another class, so… “ she bit her lip, not knowing what to say as she returned Steve’s phone. Steve’s eyes were a little too transfixed on Emma’s mouth and her skin was a little too hot to be comfortable.

“Yeah, uh, yeah… I’ll text you?” Steve shook himself a little to break out of his reverie, glancing into Emma’s eyes one final time as he moved to the side so that she could pass.

“Sounds good. Talk to you later, Steve,” Emma mumbled a little as she passed him, wondering what in the hell she had just gotten herself into. She didn’t turn back to see the shocked expression that matched her earlier one when he revealed that he knew her name. Steve Harrington wasn’t the only one who paid attention.

Emma was working on a paper when her phone buzzed with a text message. She couldn’t help but laugh when she noticed the contact name on her screen, heat settling in her cheeks once more. Smiling, she unlocked her phone to read the message.

To: Emma :)

From: My Idiot Partner

Received: 3:12 p.m.

So how soon is too soon to text about a project that isnt due for another month? :D i mean i dont want to sound “desperate”

Emma laughed out loud, glad her roommate wasn’t around because she was certain she looked like an idiot, grinning at her phone like a maniac.

To: My Idiot Partner

From: Emma :)

Received: 3:14 p.m.

Pretty sure you’re supposed to wait 3 days, right? I’m not the expert on these things, though…

btw my contact name seems a little unoriginal now and idk how to feel about that

To: Emma :)

From: My Idiot Partner

Received: 3:14 p.m.

Damn… So much for sounding desperate, i guess… :/

Nah it’s cute. The smiley was a nice, artistic touch ;)

To: My Idiot Partner :)

From: Emma :)

Received: 3:17 p.m.

I’ll forgive you for sounding desperate since you appreciate my smiley. I added a smiley to your contact since you like it so much. :)

To: Emma :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 3:18 p.m.

:) you really are a giver. Thank you

To: My Idiot Partner :)

From: Emma :)

Received: 3:20 p.m.

I do what I can. ;)

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 3:20 p.m.

Im extremely grateful. When can you meet?

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 3:20 p.m.

For the project i mean

To: My Idiot Partner :)

From: Emma the Giver :)

Received: 3:22 p.m.

Lol I knew what you meant, Steve. Umm… maybe tomorrow? 5-ish? I get out of my last class around that time. Where do you want to meet?

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 3:25 p.m.

Just making sure, Em. ;) idt ive ever worked on an assignment this early… 5ish works. We can grab food at that little diner down the road? Joe’s i think? Do you know where it is?

To: My Idiot Partner :)

From: Emma the Giver :)

Received: 3:27 p.m.

Neither have I, honestly, but this project is killer, so we’re probably better off starting now. :) That sounds great, but no, I don’t know where it is… Joe’s?

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 3:28 p.m.

Thats true. :) Umm… how about i pick you up? You stay in the dorms?

To: My Idiot Partner :)

From: Emma the Giver :)

Received: 3:29 p.m.

Uh, yeah… Westcott Hall. Are you sure? I can just put the address in my phone…

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 3:31 p.m.

Yeah, im sure. Westcott isnt far from my dorm. Copeland. It’s easier to just pick you up. :) i’ll let you know when im on the way

To: My Idiot Partner :)

From: Emma the Giver :)

Received: 3:34 p.m.

Okay. See you tomorrow :)

Emma had been freaking out the entire day. Steve insisting on picking her up made it seem too much like a date in her mind and while she kept trying to put that pesky thought out of her head, it continued to wiggle its way into her brain. And if she put a little more effort into her outfit that day than usual, well, that was her business. After her last class, she rushed back to her dormitory to freshen up and grab her books for Welsh’s class, while waiting for her ridiculously good looking project partner to text her. He didn’t keep her waiting very long, fortunately. She chastised herself for being so eager when her phone chimed. The smile, however, slipped from her features a bit when she read the text.

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 5:16 p.m.

So i probably shouldve asked for your dorm room number before entering the building… im getting weird looks just standing here

Emma panicked a bit, looking around at her mess of a room. Albeit most of the mess was on part of her roommate, but still… She hadn’t planned on the boy coming to her door. More like meeting him downstairs… Outside. Far away from her room. She didn’t know what to do, but Steve didn’t give her time to properly think it through before he sent another text.

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 5:16 p.m.

Okay so i started walking to avoid looking like a creep and now i feel really stupid… hopefully im going in the right direction? Passing 123 now

Emma couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up, shaking her head, and deciding to take pity on the poor boy.

To: My Idiot Partner :)

From: Emma the Giver :)

Received: 5:17 p.m.

Omg Steve lol. Take the stairwell at the end of the hall. I’m 217.

To: Emma the Giver :)

From: My Idiot Partner :)

Received: 5:18 p.m.

:D

Emma starting picking up a few of her and her roommate’s more ridiculously placed items, still shaking her head at the boy when she heard a knock. Giving another cursory glance around to make sure everything was a little more presentable, she crossed the small room to open the door, looking up at a sheepish Steve and tried her best not to laugh. She didn’t succeed in the end which made him hang his head in faux shame.

“I kind of figured you’d wait in the parking lot, Harrington,” Emma giggled, moving back to her bed to pick up her bag once more, not noticing how Steve had stepped a little more into her room so that he could get a better look at her side of the room. He stopped when he heard her question, mouth dropping open a bit, giving the girl a look that would suggest she had lost her mind. Emma jumped a little when she noticed he was very much in her room.

“What kind of gentleman doesn’t go to the door, Em?” Emma warmed a bit at the nickname, before laughing at his almost comically serious face, which earned her the most adorable pout.

“I mean, it’s 2018, Steve… And it’s not like this is a date, right?” She almost slapped herself for letting that question slip, but it was out now and she couldn’t take it back. Emma wasn’t sure what to make of the slight deflation of his shoulders as he turned his focus elsewhere.

“That’s no excuse,” he mumbled, almost as if he were distracted. “You play?”

“Huh?” Steve turned back with a smile, nodding at the corner of the room, near the small closet that housed her clothes, where an acoustic guitar rested on a stand. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do.” Steve gave an impressed nod, doing this thing with his mouth that shouldn’t have been cute, but it really was.

“Very cool. I always wanted to learn.”

“Oh, well, I, uh, I could teach you?” What? Steve being in the small room with her was making Emma lose any sense of filter, apparently. She no longer knew what she was saying. The brunet’s answering beam however was almost enough to make her not regret it.

“Yeah?” Emma felt herself nod, unable to help the small smile on her face. “Awesome.”

Between getting together to work on the project and guitar lessons, Emma felt as if all of her free time was spent with Steve. Not that she was really complaining. The boy never failed to make her smile or laugh and the only real downside was that she felt herself falling a little too hard into what had started out as a simple crush at best. It was kind of annoying because she was pretty certain that he had also become her best friend and that’s where things get messy. Not to mention, there was the whole not knowing whether or not he liked her as more than a friend, which almost seemed to high school to contemplate. All Emma knew was that she was enjoying spending all her free time with Steve, even if the majority of it involved some kind of lesson.

Steve was pretty quick when it came to picking up the guitar and Emma was fairly impressed that he was learning so fast. The weird thing was that he didn’t always remember things he had learned in his previous lesson, despite having pretty much mastered it the week before. It was beyond suspicious, but Emma wasn’t going to call him out on it. She relished the feel of laying her hands on top of his to place on the frets a little more than she cared to admit and the girl wasn’t overly keen to give it up anytime soon.

Steve insisted on paying her in some way for the lessons, but Emma wasn’t having it, so he started to ply her with various treats and almost always bought her food whenever they got together to study. She protested at first, but he always found a way to smuggle it into her possession anyway, so she eventually relented. He was as stubborn as she was and it was beyond ridiculous, so she figured she’d let him get away with it occasionally. Steve Harrington was happiest when he was taking care of people and Emma melted a little too much at the thought to protest when her friend decided to show her that side of himself. That’s what had led her to return the favor one day. She had bought Steve a coffee and his favorite candy bar, a 3 Musketeers, and headed to Copeland Hall, smiling to herself. She’d been to Steve’s room enough to not have to text him and ruin the surprise. As she walked up to the door of room 111, she heard music coming through the door because either Steve or his roommate, David, had left the door slightly ajar. Stopping and tilting her head to listen for a minute, Emma noticed it seemed a little familiar, but she couldn’t quite place the song. It was clearly an acoustic version of whatever the song was. The sounds of the guitar were soothing, but the voice was a little raw, though very pretty. Emma smiled as she listened to the lyrics, closing her eyes so she could focus.

“Jackie loves to run and hide

Give her love, and she will die

Good golly me, oh my, oh my,

Cross my heart and hope to die

Bourbon streets and bicycles

Holding you in carnivals

Baby is my love too old for you?

Baby is my love too old for you?

Emma I’m for you

Emma I’m for you”

Emma’s eyes shot open at the chorus. Steve couldn’t be listening to that could he? And why did that voice sound so familiar? Did David play? Surely, it was coincidence, the song choice having her name in it. She hadn’t really talked to David much, so it’s not like she knew his music tastes… Emma couldn’t take it anymore. She had to know! She lightly pushed the door open just a bit more and peaked around the corner only for her jaw to completely hit the floor.

On the edge of the bed, facing away from her sat Steve Harrington, “novice” guitar player not missing a note as he sang the song, occasionally dropping in volume as if singing was more of an afterthought. He was completely lost in it, though, and didn’t notice his best friend’s presence. Emma stepped back into the hall for a moment, taking a breath as she tried to collect her thoughts. It was a lot to take in, but she wasn’t entirely surprised that Steve already knew how to play. Actually, it answered a lot of questions she wasn’t ready to ask. Now she was more curious as to why he lied about knowing how to. And she was beyond curious about his song choice. Releasing the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, Emma tried to shake off the nerves, careful not to jostle the coffee in her hand too much. Nodding to herself and steeling her nerves, she pushed the door open fully this time, making sure her presence was known. Steve’s head turned and his hands stilled immediately, brown eyes widening in shock. He had been caught red-handed and he knew it.

“Uh, hey, Em… How’s it, uh, how’s it going?” Steve’s voice cracked a bit.

“You’ve gotten pretty good at that,” Emma nodded at the guitar, eyebrow raised. She set his coffee on his desk along with the candy bar. Steve’s eyes softened as he noticed what it was, having the decency to look apologetic when he looked back at the girl who had her arms crossed defensively.

“I had a good teacher.”

“Steve… Right, you know what? I’m gonna go,” Emma rolled her eyes and turned to leave. It was such a stupid thing to lie about, but it was still a lie and that hurt a little more than she cared to admit. Steve Harrington had never moved so fast in his life, nearly tripping over himself as he moved to grab the girl lightly by the hand to stop her from leaving. Emma stilled, but still didn’t look at him.

“Em, come on, hear me out? Please.” The please did it, honestly. Turning just slightly, but not willing to meet his eyes, she heard him sigh. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I… I shouldn’t have lied to you. Even about something as stupid as this,” Steve gestured back at the guitar with one hand while the other still kept Emma’s captured in his own, rubbing his thumb ever so lightly on the back of her hand. His eyes were focused on their hands when Emma decided to look at him.

“Why did you? Because you’re right. It’s beyond stupid.” Emma wished her voice held a little more anger than it did, but she felt the fight drain out of her with every pass of his thumb. Brown eyes meeting hers, she noted that he was silently pleading with her to understand.

“Would you believe me if I told you that I wanted an excuse to spend more time with you? Which was crazy because we hadn’t even really had a conversation yet and we hadn’t even started working on the project, but you had opened your door and all I could think was ‘I have to spend as much time with this girl as possible.’” Steve started to move a little closer as he continued. “It was crazy, but I noticed you on the first day of class. I remember you walking through the door and all I wanted to do was know your name and I felt a little robbed when Welsh was the reason I learned it and not because you had given it to me. And then there was that day in class when you laughed at his stupid joke and I realized that despite still not knowing you, I wanted to make you laugh like that. I kept trying to work up the courage to speak to you after class, but you always left so quickly,” he paused with an almost sad smile. Emma could almost feel the heat radiating off his body as Steve continued to close the distance, his other hand finding hers. “So, yeah, when Welsh told us to partner up, I knew that was my shot. I was fully prepared to be charming and funny and when I saw you blush? I knew that I wanted to continue to do that. But then you completely turned the tables on me. It was insane. It took every ounce of my self control to not text you before I did, by the way. I was surprised I held out as long as I did because all I wanted to do was talk to you. And then I was in your room and I was still trying to figure out how to talk to you and I saw your guitar and the next thing I knew, I was saying I didn’t know how to play and you were offering to teach me…” Steve’s hand released her left to push a lock of hair behind her ear. Emma tried to ignore the shiver that ran through her body, as she looked up at him through her lashes.

“What can I say? I’m a giver,” she whispered, making Steve chuckle as his hand lightly touched her jaw. His eyes flickered down to her lips as his hand moved to her neck. Emma’s free hand had found home on his chest without her knowledge, unsure if she wanted to push him away or pull him closer.

“Think you could forgive me, Giver?” he murmured.

“I suppose I could be persuaded… But if you ever lie to me again… I don’t care how sweet your intentions are, we got a problem.”

“Never, Em. Next time I’ll just be upfront about my intentions to seduce you,” Steve smirked. Emma rolled her eyes as she swatted him lightly, unable to help the smile that found home on her features.

“Shut up and kiss me, Harrington.”

Steve didn’t waste any time closing the distance and tried to make a mental note to find a way to thank Mr. Welsh before the semester was over. However, he was pretty distracted and overwhelmed by the incredible girl in front of him and figured all of that could wait until later. Emma decided she was a little too okay with this boy ruining her semester.

[survivormagictreehouse]

Episode #5 “I have nothing else to lose at this point” -Jay

-Did I even make a confessional last round??? AHH. Okay so I’m excited with our swap and I think we have a strong tribe but I’m REALLY sad (and not surprised) about Austin leaving. I think that I am on a very strong tribe and I can’t wait to see what happens with it going forward!  Like I can’t bad talk anyone, I like them all. 

-Can we talk about how proud I am of myself for remembering enough information to tell Cindi while she was answering questions? LOL, I had never been so nervous in my entire life so I'm really good that we pulled out a win!  Ali and Collin did such a good job retaining and relaying information.  It is nice to have another day off and I'm really curious to see what Ali decides to do and what the next challenge will be... I don't want this tribe to be broken up yet.   If I do end up swapping I really want to end up on a tribe with Chips.  We played in a game recently AGAINST one another and I'm dying to work with him, like actually work with him so oddly enough, I'm really hoping that he isn't going anywhere! I feel like they will probably go after Timmy or Jay. Right now the person on my tribe I feel like I can talk with the easiest about the game is Ali, he is probably my number one and I feel like I can tell him stuff without it getting passed around the entire tribe.  Do I completely trust him?? NO.  But I do trust him the most haha.  

-I SURVIVED AHHHHHH I GET TO STAY!!!!!!!!! Fuck that was so close and I feel so bad for throwing Austin under the bus but hey, I needed to stay in this game and keep my relationships strong. Plus, voting for Timmy would have looked really shitty to him, after the whole alliance thing. Anyways....Birch is here now! I love them sm and I really look forward to getting to work with them again. As far as I can tell, my best bet of staying is a group of me, Timmy, Zach, Birch and probably Chips. Chips and Zach were so helpful to me this whole day, reassuring me and giving me the information I needed to stay safe. I also called with Timmy just now and we're gonna be sticking together since it's our best option. Its really been a big turn from feeling comfortable in the tribe to fighting to stay, but I'm gonna stay fighting and hopefully make it out of this swap alive.

-I'm trying so fucking hard to stay in this game but right now it feels like a lost cause. Zach sold me out so badly last night and it feels like it's been impossible to recover. I'm trying to get me, Timmy, chips, and birch to all vote Zach but it's feeling less and less like it's actually happening and more like they're just saying it to keep me comfortable. No one is really responding to me anymore and it just feels like this is the end. The only little bit of hope I have is apparently Timmy has heard it's gonna be Birch instead? Seems like a long shot, I don't really want to see them leave, and I'm not gonna push for it. Birch is an indespencible ally and I will go to rocks for them if i have to. I have nothing else to lose at this point.

https://youtu.be/cYEa3LQE6N4

-Going into tonight's tribal, I think I'll be safe and have the votes of Timmy, Jess, Gavin, and Keegan. However, I feel like either Gavin and Keegan could flip (though unlikely) OR an idol could be used on Jay. I guess we shall see though. See y'all on the other side :)

-okay so the og annie tribe lost their marbles and got a 4-3-1? which well. in other news, i died in my other game and mr BODHI on this tribe got me out... very interesting. i was originally gonna punish him and get him out. and i still might. im unsure. he would deserve it tho he is so wishywashy that its infuriating. rn dream alliance is cindi/vi/ruthie/rachael (aka feminism + ali). bodhi was the best to vote for me on a game level and him needless treating me like crap makes that much easier.

-okay hello... so in a crazy plot twist... we won the storytime? i was really proud of my own contribution to the challenge, i passed on a LOTTA info to collin and he did so so good passing it, ruthie SNAPPED when she was so nervous and cindi brought it home. my game has been pretty smooth sailing, two easy votes and now im chilling on the most wholesome tribe ever. should i probably be throwing these challenges to save jay/timmy/austin... maybe... but am i going to... no. im not risking my game life when i see my entire current tribe as long term allies. ideal scenario is that group implodes and sets us up to pick up the pieces at merge... maybe? but also i think we are swapping again before merge, so just adding another challenge with the shakespeare challenge delays me getting jumped by the conglomerate of generic men, birch and jess. my closest ally right now is definitely ruthie, i LOVE ME SOME RUTHIE. vi, cindi, collin, timmy and rachael i also trust to some extent. bodhi i literally would get an indescribable seretonin rush from voting out... i would LOVE the opportunity to jump him in this game. am over that man. but im vibing having fun! still have an idol! and living my BEST life ha. im sorry my confessionals have been underwhelming but my game experience has been pretty smooth sailing so far ha.

-Spill the tea! *It's 1:11AM and I still miss Gavin.

-It's 8:59 PM and I still miss Gavin. prayer circle for Gavin <3

https://youtu.be/JSmJThHF-tU

So I did something. I am not allied with 5/7 people on my tribe. I have the "3 Canadians, oh and the 2 American Hosts" Alliance of me, Jess and Keegan. I am not quite as Loyal to that alliance as I am my new one. But I still don't want to vote them out. If I HAD to I would but i want to keep them. I really like both of them. I just made the "The Jolly Crew" Alliance which is Me, Jay, Timmy Z and Zach. I love this alliance. I vibe really well with Timmy and Jay. I am a little more iffy on Zach but he is really cool! I stan everyone! I guess out of the 2 people left I would prefer to vote out chips? He tends to be kinda inactive and I talk to him the least. IDK I'll go with the numbers, and my alliance.  

Another round, another immunity win. I’m just living life and am happy with how this game is going. Don’t really have to do much but making sure it won’t be me if we eventually do go to tribal.

We lost the challenge despite my best efforts. I think we’re voting Jay

I wish i had something of substance to say but this tribe refuses to go to tribal :/ i've found spots where TWO idols were in the past i think??? lions -> straight ahead -> ask for a tour, and vikings -> small boat -> get on the small boat

Soooooo... we lost the challenge again an' I got kidnapped by the gentlemen o' fortune. love that there fer me! then, to me surprise, right off o' the bat, jay threw me name out. so 'e be essentially dead to me now an' I expect 'im to be leavin' tonight. his blood ‘ill be on me hook after tonight. luckily fer me, I went around an' started spreadin' that there I 'ad 'eard 'e been sayin' me name—and 'e 'ad apparently only said it to zach. so now, the votes be between zach an' jay... an' I could not be 'appier as me name be off o' the table as farrr as I know. so bless to the sky to that there. I be expectin' jay to set sail tonight, but who knows. there been a lot o' talk o' 'im or birch 'avin' an idol or some kind o' advantage (which I believe birch may 'ave something), but I don’t think I be playin' me idol unless I catch wind o' somethin' strange 'appenin'... but me fingers be crossed an' I be goin' to 'ope fer the best.

2nd win and Ali is chucked to the tree house. Gotta do a music video

So the Annie curse strikes again............ wooo. This vote is a bit of a mess but honestly this all works out for me. Jay going ensures that I have Chips/Birch's loyalties moving forward and honestly the more OG Annie people that go the better. I hate the whole tribe lines situation but honestly I'm kind of stuck in it and I think I'm stuck in it for the long haul or at least for now. Zach going ensures I can climb the social rankings of the OG JACK tribe but it also might make me land on the bottom and it would be such a gamble. Do I trust Zach? no. Do I think everything Birch/Jay are saying about Zach is completely true..mhm BUT I need him just for a bit longer at this point. Also if Jay didn't say Gavin's name I probably would risk it and vote out Zach but at this point I can't not vote out someone who is saying my number 1's name... I want another swap because I'm bored of talking to the same people and I need to form some new bonds before merge. 

With me getting one vote last time, I really wanted to secure my spot within my team and was able to talk with Zach and Jess into making an alliance chat with us and Keegan/Gavin. Hopefully jay goes tonight but I’m not to sure. In the challenge bitch was terrible. We are a bit nervous they got an advantage or idol on exile which is why we are telling everyone the vote is birch tonight. Guess we will see how tonight goes

I'm doing lots of house stuff today but I hear there's a mess to be had with Jay versus Zach. I want to vote Zach because he has been acting head honcho but also... dont care too much. Im going to try to force a tie then get blindsided out of the game. Hype energy!

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The Round 5 Cast Assessment will be combined with Round 6 (on the next episode)

[naruto-scenarios-plus-akatsuki]

Fanfic question meme: 6, 7, 10, 11-14, 23, 26-28, 43, 46!! Sorry if that's too many!! xoxoxoxox 💖💖💖💖

Thank you so much for asking me some questions and its not too many at all ^.^

6. List your OTP from each fandom you’ve been involved in.

I’m mainly going to focus on pairs I like in Naruto, because that’s what I’m heavily involved in at the moment. I’ve only written fanfiction for 3 different fandoms and I’m considering that’s what the question meant by “involved in”. 

For Naruto: SasuHina (I just love reading fanfiction on this pair), ShikaTema (right from the start, I knew they be together

For Batman: BatmanxCatwoman, JokerxHarley (I usually stick to those two as my favorite because I like angst but most fanfictions on them get repetitive)

For Twilight: EdwardxBella, LelaxSam (don’t judge me 😖)

7. List your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in.

For Naruto: GaaSaku (this pairing has always confused me; to me its a no), ShikaHidan (also a no), ItaSaku (its an interesting idea but I really cant see Sakura falling for Sasuke’s brother when she’s so hung up on Sasuke), KakaSaku (no student-teacher relationships), ItaSasu (No incest). 

For Batman: BatmanxHarley, BatmanxJoker

For Twilight: EdwardxAlice, RosexJacob

10.  Is there a fandom you read fic from but don’t write in

There’s probably lots of fandoms I dont write for. Some of them I want to, others I know I cant write fanfiction for. 

X-men

Attack on Titan

Hunger Games (I have a few drafts of story I never posted that I had lost inspiration to)

Fast and Furious (I had an outline of a story I wanted to do, but never wrote for it.)

Inuyasha

Vampire Knight

The Walking Dead

Death Note

Avatar

Sherlock

Host

11. Who is your current OTP?

Oh gosh, can I say my OC Saryie with Sai? Lmao Uh probably still heavily like the idea of SasuSaku together out of the canon pairs. Otherwise, I’m mostly reading oc stories with cannon pairings. 

12. Who is your current OT3?

Hmm can’t really answer this because I don’t have one, sorry ^.^’ 

13. Any NoTPs?

Again, I say no to Gaara and Sakura ever being together. Also all the ones stated above again. Haha. 

I also find the pairing of Naruto and Temari weird.

14. Go on, who are your BroTPs?

NaruGaa, ShikaChoji, KakaGai, HidanKaku, KisaItac 

23. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.

I’m honestly fond of my most current story that’s about my OC Saryie with her team. Its called Stirring Emotions. I know I have mentioned it before and I know some people may be sick of me talking about it. However, I am so fond of it because it was the first multiple chapter story I finish in less than a year, that’s how pumped I was to write it even when I was busy finishing up school. 

I like it so much because I knew I wanted to create something different that could be added on to the Naruto world. I am rather picky though, and I don’t like how most oc stories try to mess with Naruto’s life or his background. So I knew I didn’t want to do that with my story. I wanted a character to bare witness to the plot of Naruto without actually changing anything. Now my oc Saryie had been in the drafts for years. I created her when I was 13 years old when I first started watching Naruto. She was a very blunt and unrefined character that I created. I truly got to test out her personality in a different story that was a Naruto AU fic I created. It got me use to writing her character. Then before this story came along, I had worked hard to develop her story and her background. Which also led me to develop more OCs because I wanted to put Saryie on a team that was  going to help add to Saryie’s background. 

So the whole process of preparing and designing characters was very fun for me. Plus, I really wanted to write a proper story for Sai where he is neither the perfect boyfriend or the worst boyfriend. Some people will either write Sai as too dumb or they will write him as too sensitive. I wanted to create a slow burn of how Sai discovers his feelings and wanted to portray a real life feel of a relationship. 

I’m very proud of my story for that reason.  Also, figuring out ways to add to the Naruto story was what made my story even more enjoyable, because I wasn’t just working on creating a romance fic but an all encompassing adventure and romance one. I’m still working on the Sequel to my Stirring Emotions story with Sharing Emotions where Saryie and Sai’s relationship grows further and takes places during the war.  So yea, that’s what I’m most fond of… can’t you tell? lmao 

Sorry for rambling. 

26. How do you come up with your fanfic titles?

I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I am not the best at naming stories 🙂 I perfectly agree. Some feedback I have gotten is that my titles are too dull and dont catch reader’s interest. 

So how do I pick titles? Well for instances with these scenario requests if I write the scenario first, I try to pick a title that summarizes the event. However if I choose a title first and then write the scenario, I just make the title generic. 

As for my stories on fanfiction… I kind just go with the first thing that pops into my head which is bad sometimes. 😅

27. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries?

Titles. Summaries are ok. I’m not the greatest at it, but I try. 

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?

I always thought it be cool too see fanart of my Naruto AU story where most Naruto characters are at an Art college. This story was like created when I was 14 years old so its not the greatest but… can you imagine like…

Naruto all deck out like a pop artist as he has dreams of being a singer 

Hinata in cute ballet outfit

Sasuke as a hiphop dancer 

Tenten as a painter with her colthes splattered with paint and pencils in her hair

Temari as a violinist with combat boots and piercings with a rock band shirt on.

Shikamaru with a man-bun, smoking a cigarette, with a guitar strapped to his back

Sai looking prestine and formal, but always caring a sketch pad with him. 

Ugh… I want it. I tried drawing it myself once. Didn’t come out well. 

43. Is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?

Yes, the whole reason I wanted to refine my own oc was because of an author on fanfiction. She had created a neat Kakashixoc fic that wasn’t at all mary-sueish and didnt affect the plot of Naruto and made me fantasize creating my own story in a similar way. 

There are also a few authors on tumblr that had inspired me to start my own imagines blog. 

46. If someone was to read one of your fanfics, which fic would you recommend to them and why?Probably my latest story with my OC because its more well-written. Frankly my Naruto AU story embarrasses me when I read back on it and even if I do like the compliments I get on it, I know its not the best. I was a young teenager when I wrote it and I just wish I had thought about it more. 

[drawn-to-space]

Mildly edited RP (because some dialogue are with other people and context would be needed) at the fall ball with Quill on disc.cord. Basically, Swap and the other hosts fake their deaths at the party and Yumi didn’t take it very well… among other things that happened. ((This is only part 1 because Tumblr has a 100 paragraphs limit, apparently.))

Yumi glared at Swap, even though she was very clearly angry, tears almost instantly started flowing out of eyes. She started walking towards him, quickly, running. I’m her head, she was going for a slap, but she was so angry that she made a fist-

Wait- YuMI NO YOUKNOWKARATE! YOU'REGOINGTO-

JBAF!

A second before the plushies hit him, Yumi did. Directly in the face. There might have been a very slight crack sound. It’s a wonder he didn’t get knocked out. He had no idea she could pack such a punch. A literal punch. He didn’t have time to think on it as a second later he was pelted by plushies and pillows, being buried alive. A soft demise.

Yumi almost regretted what she did, but anger was still present. But she didn’t actually want him to die for real this time. She grabbed whatever she could under the pillows who were suffocating him and lift him back up. She was still mad and crying, get ready for a scolding.

“S-Swap, what the fuck!? WHY would you do something like that!? Do you know… hic… how much I WAS FUCKING UPSET!?”

Luckily he couldn’t actually suffocate but it was pretty claustrophobic. He was kinda dizzy from that punch and clung to Yumi when she grabbed him. He managed to focus on her and felt so much guilt. “i-i meant to t-tell you!” He clung tighter. “i-i’m s-so sorry! i-i couldn’t f-find the time a-and i had a plan b-but it might spoil things a-and we worked so hard a-and- h-holy SHIT you punch hard.” His eyelights were shifting a bit in size and slipping out of focus from how dazed he was. He shook his head hoping to make the ringing sound stop.

She could not see him, too many tears, if she did she would be waited for later to scold him.

“That doesn’t matter! And you could’ve told me BEFORE! YOU KNEW I was coming! But that doesn’t mean you can still make believe people ACTUALLY FUCKING DIED!!”

“And I’m not just upset at you I’m upset at ALL the hosts! Doing something like that is- IT’S NOT FUNNY!!”

She was done now, clinging at Swap. Wait, nevermind she had one more thing to say. But, she kissed him where his lips would be, first.

“Don’t fucking do that to me again… okay?”

He sunk into himself more and more at her words. He was about to speak when he was surprised by a kiss. His whole face turning blue. He blinked in surprise, his eyelights were focused now and heart shaped. He nodded. Shouldn’t he worry about the room filling with plushies and pillows? He was too focused on Yumi to care.

Yumi had calmed down, all that yelling and crying had made her exhausted, not to mention she felt a little hot on her face, for blushing.

“I-I’m sorry for yelling so much… I just… just don’t do that again.”

“A-Are you okay, though? I punched you way harder than I wanted to… s-sorry.”

He had a very small crack on the side of his face. Nothing too bad though. “i-i’m fine. y-you’re really r-really strong!” He sighed in a lovestuck way. Seemed he was still a bit out of it.

It may not have been a bad wound but she knows how hard she punched and he doesn’t seem too much in reality right now. The crack and that worried her.

“Don’t be stubborn Swap. I’m not amazing at healing but you should get patched up and check if you don’t have a concussion.”

Although, she questioned if that was even possible, she grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room a little.

“Can you walk?”

He stumbled a bit but could stand fine. Probably walk. He just kept staring at her with shifting heart eyelights. Even he didn’t know if he could get a concussion. But he sure was dazed. “i-i’m fine. l-little dizzy”

“O-okay.”

She finally arrived at the office. She was worried Swap might’ve fallen while they were walking there.

“Sit down while I get some stuff. Do you know where bandages are?”

Swap stumbled in holding his head. Great. Headache. He managed to flop into a seat. “n-no? i…don’t remember. top drawer?” Yeah he was very dizzy. He pressed his hand to the spot that stung the most and tried to focus enough to use healing magic. It only sparked a bit, slightly lessening it for a split second. He groaned in annoyance. A small illusion on his right hand vanished when he tried to heal his face. It was just a small one making his hand look whole. Without it a hole in his palm was visible. Looked like an old wound though. And strangely clean cut. It would be easily hidden below the gloves he normally wore.

She did see it, his hand. It was similar, no… exactly the same as G’s. She wondered how it happened, to him. However she wasn’t too worried about it. Maybe she’ll ask later, for now there are more pressing issues.

“Hey, don’t! I can do it myself. You already look like you’re in pain. I’ll get the bandages, please be patient.”

She sounded more like a mother than his girlfriend right now. But she did found the health kit and took small-ish bandages to cover his wound and heal him as best she could.

“H-hey, I’m gonna try something, o-okay?”

She knew that her magic was a atunned to her emotions, so why not test it out. She kissed him without warning and hovered her hand over his wound.

Huh, her healing was a little faster but, God, why was it still so slow!? It’s just a small crack dammit. She is also unsure and too embarrassed to kiss him again.

He pouted a bit at having to wait. He hated waiting. At least it was sweet she was fussing so much. He loved seeing her care. It made the small voice that told him otherwise shut up for a while. Gosh he loved her. He again was surprised by a kiss. Dangit! Totally flustered again. She always got him while his guard was down. He decided to get a little revenge. He cupped her face and pulled her into another kiss, backing up after a second and smirking in a dazed fashion. He felt so proud of himself.

She basically fell because of how sudden and really an off position to be in to be suddenly kissed by your s/o. However, she didn’t stumble too much, grabbing the back of the chair for stability.

She was even more flustered, yes, but she wanted to kiss him again. She did, a longer one, this time, clumsily keeping herself from falling.

Her heart was beating a lot, she felt like their magic was giving small harmless electric surges to each other. She was blushing a little purple, like the first time they kissed. They should probably stop before some embarrassing stuff happens. She pulled away, clearing her throat.

“U-Um… I should probably continue healing you.”

And flustered again. He leaned into the kiss a bit. A few sparks popping. It ended so soon. He felt so light that he almost didn’t even feel the crack. He wanted to hug her and never let go. Be close and listen to her heartbeat. Hold her hand. He was soooooo smitten. He nodded a bit and giggled like a child who just got a treat. Heart eyelights sparkling. He was still dizzy but that didn’t bother him at the moment. He could only think about how pretty she was.

She placed her hand over his wound again and quickly finished healing him. It left a small scar but it was way quicker to heal him than before, probably because of the kiss she gave him. It did make her feel like her magic was sparking a lot more.

After putting a small bandage on his mostly healed crack she backed away a little and yawned.

“W-Well I’m all done. Do you feel better?”

His head cleared more when it was patched up. He pain had gone away but a headache remained. Which was annoying him. “y-yeah.” He was a little worried about the world spinning. Normally it calmed down by now. Oh wait- He pressed his hand to the back of his neck, taking a breath before a big spark of magic popped which made his eyelights vanish. It took a good thirty seconds for them to show up again but it evened out the dizziness. Something must have gotten set off with his magic levels. It was surprisingly easy to do. He squinted. Oh great. He forgot it made things more blurry for a time. He could hardly see like this. “m-much better! fixed the dizziness too. just…uh….” He looked embarrassed. “d-don’t laugh okay?” And with that he got a pair of glasses out of his inventory. They were large and round and when put on with tape they took up quite a bit of his face. At least he could see with them. Worth it to be able to see her. He couldn’t remember if he’d ever worn them around her before or just told her about them. But he still felt embarrassed for how nerdy they made him look.

“Why would I-?”

Oh my god, those glasses looked so big on him. He looked like a huge nerd, a cute nerd. Holy shit, she couldn’t help but shyly smile. She couldn’t help but say it ou y loud either.

“You look so cute. Why would I laugh?”

He wrung his hands sheepishly. “b-because i look l-like a dork…a-and not as cool as i normally do…?” Girls liked cool guys right?…She seemed to like this too though. Maybe she just liked him. Aaaaand there was that light happy feeling again.

She giggled.

“You are a dork, Swap.”

“You dont need to look cool for me. I like you because you’re you, a huge dork.”

She chuckled shyly. What is she even saying? Stop talking, Yumi, you’re embarrassing yourself.

He beamed brightly. She liked him for him? Well of course she did! Duh what was he even thinking? Worrying about that stuff. He was still a little embarrassed but it was okay. He hopped up and hugged her tightly. “you’re the best!” He paused and put a hand over where the crack had been. “a-and you can really pack a punch.” His eyelights turned into little stars and he looked up at her. “you’re cute and badass!” The best combination. He’d be sure not to get on her bad side.

She jolted a little by the sudden hug, but she did hug him back, giving him a warm smile. However, it turned into a much more embarrassed expression, as he continued complimenting her.

“U-Um… t-thanks.”

“B-But, sorry about that… a-again… I should’ve hold off, since I know karate and all…”

He seemed far too excited about getting punched. “it was super cool! i didn’t see it coming! probably deserved it honestly.” He just seemed to get more excited. “you know karate?! oh my gosh! that’s amazing!” He stood up straighter. “i’m actually pretty tough myself! training for the royal guard and all. so you don’t have to worry!”

Despite still feeling bad for punching him so hard, she couldn’t help but blush even more. He was complimenting her way more than she thought she deserved.

“T-Thanks… and I’ve heard of them, in my world but… I think they disbanded. Or… maybe they serve for something else?”

“But, it’s pretty cool that you’re training in it. S-Still… I shouldn’t have punched you so hard.”

Disbanded? Odd. “it’s fine! i’m use to taking hits.” He sunk a bit into himself. “i made you cry. probably would have punched myself for that.” He bounced back. “really it’s no problem! i get cracks all the time! don’t guilt yourself about it!”

“O-Okay…”

She lowered herself a little, hugging him tightly.

“I-I’m just… I’m glad you’re okay.”

“i’m glad you’re okay too!” He clung tightly for a moment before remembering something. “oh! do you need anything? been eating well? it’s been a little hectic.”

She paused. She hasn’t slept or eaten much, him reminding her of this made her suddenly feel exhausted, but also hungry. She yawned, as her stomach loudly growled.

“W-Well… not really…”

“But, I don’t want to sleep yet! We haven’t spent much time together… but… I should eat something.”

He nodded worriedly. “wanna go to the kitchen? elly made sure we’d have a wide selection of things. what you in the mood for?”

Her stomach growled again as she thought of what to eat.

“Maybe it’s not a good idea because it’s so late but… I could really go for anything that’s meaty.”

“we have lots of things like that! one of my favorites of course would be tacos. but we have other things too if you want! it’s pretty easy to gather things when you have portals. you can get anything from around the world! and everything that is made here by elly’s weird shadow chefs.”

“Nice.” she chuckles.

“But… yeah, tacos sounds nice. Why not?”

He grinned and took her hand. “tacos it is then! this way!” He led her off to the kitchen seeming to have fully recovered.

“U-Um, by the way, are you gonna eat too? You’ve eaten while you were ‘gone’ right?”

“i’m fine! got a stash of stuff in the secret passages. i’ve been taking care of myself.” He totally ignored the other two in the room and skipped over to find where the tacos were. There seemed to be a lot of stuff to pick from. Even more in the fridges.

It took a moment but he found what he was looking for. A plate with freshly made tacos. He picked it up and spun around to face Yumi. “here we are! take what you like!”

She hesitated a little, but decided to take two at random and leave it at that. She was hungry after all, why would she even hesitate? Well, there also was a lot of choices. She takes a bite.

“Mh! This is really good!”

She starts eating almost like a beast, making herself get a cramp for eating too fast. She pats her chest a lot.

He was glad she enjoyed it but worried about her eating so quickly. He did that all the time but he couldn’t choke. “c-careful! don’t eat too fast! you really haven’t eaten in a while have you?”

After a few more pats she was finally okay. However she shook her apologetically at his question, continuing on eating, but actually taking her time.

“S-Sorry… I was too worried and focused on finding clues to even think about it…”

However, she won’t tell him the last time she ate was YESTERDAY AFTERNOON.

“i’m sorry for worrying you so much. i didn’t think you would react that badly…” He pushed aside the negative thoughts that tried to surface. “but no more of that! just a relaxing party! oh! and i wanted to show you something. whenever you’re done eating we can check it out. plenty of dessert here too if you want any of that.” He sighed. “sadly most of it isn’t sugar free so i haven’t tried it.” He was tempted. Soooo tempted.

“It’s fine Swap, really. I forgive you.”

She gave him a reassuring smile. She was curious about what was the place he wanted to show her, though. She took a few more bites before talking again.*

“Nah, I’m good, I’m not much of a sweets person, anyway.”

“really? i love sweets! even though i shouldn’t have them. just tell me when you’re ready!” He stared at the tacos for a moment before taking one and eating the whole thing in one bite. It was weird how far he could open his mouth actually. How’d he fit it all in?? And it looked like didn’t even chew! Then again how do skeletons even digest things without a stomach. All the questions.

She was surprised but, then again she knew monster food didn’t need to be digested. She finished her food.

“Alright, I’m good.”

“you sure? that enough for you? can’t let my girlfriend starve!” He seemed excited for whatever it was he wanted to show her. Like he could dash off any second. But he also wanted to make sure she was okay. Didn’t want to rush her.

She shook her head and smiled reassuringly.

“No, don’t worry, I’m fine. Besides, I don’t want to eat too much before going to bed.”

“okay!” His excitement got the better of him and he grabbed her hand to lead her off to…the closet?

[survivormuxloe]

Episode 13: "so things went from Guatemala to Guatepeor” - Ahrre

david REALLY GOT BRAVE TRYNA COME FOR ME WHEN HIS ASS AINT IMMUNE HUH. aint it so.. vote me and ur ass gonna go... ijs!! rip my perf game but at least i was the last person to recieve votes so thats kinda cute.. it doesnt change the fact that im winning tho ALMFNBG like. just 3/4 more tribals to survive bitch.. give those immunity wins to me pls x :)))

LOWKEY MY ASS WAS NERVOUSSSS LIKE I DONT WANNA READ MY NAME ON THOSE PIECES OF PAPER AGAIN THO!!! altho my name is cute written out by anna highkey ngl.. maybe she'll write them in cursive for my winner reveal? x

my mind tho. rhys/tobi/ryan r all under my spell. missus mo and ahrre got brave and are gunna get a taste of hell when im not dying under exams lol x ALMFJHBFG

lvoe u gusys. xoxo ur winner scooty toots

Well fuck. David is gone. I’m in the minority. So now it’s just me and Ahrre. But I don’t want to settle for 6th or 5th place. I’ve made it this far I wanna make it to the end. So I’m going to try to wiggle my way through.

http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/41700000/Avengers-Endgame-2019-avengers-infinity-war-1-and-2-41740034-540-225.gif

So the situation is looking pretty grim, Rhys stuck with the majority, David the absolute unit is dead and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the next one to go.

So right know things change as it's no longer about getting majority but rather get that group of 4 to cannibalize itself. Now the thing is that each of those 4 seem so confident in their position but only 3 make it to the end so that means at least one will end up being left out and that's just with a minimum level of snaking, but we know they are capable of way more shafty shit.

But their overconfidence in their position is not the only problem. It's also kinda hard when I've tried to blindside 3 of them. But hey at least you can't say I didn't try. Tobi is not willing to even tell me anything until tomorrow after we do the challenge. But he also says he's rooting for me as an underdog even if we're in oposite sides... Cheky fecker trying to get my jury vote...

As for the rest well I'll try to talk to them tomorrow, if I can commend Mo for something is that at least they might be more willing to work with him than me, which is clearly not a good thing for my game but eh wadda you do. I know for a fact by now everyone is gonna be saying that the plan is me going home probably 5-1 but if that's gonna end up being true or just a bluff for one of the 4 to get blindsided is still to see.

Either way I'm gonna try to stir some shit up and not be a voulnerable pleb waiting to be taken out or saved. Better dead than a goat.

These fattys are going down one by one... i love it... like highkey david going means that me and scott have to step up our physical games if we wanna take out ryan... someone else has to win immunity and then we can start pinning moves on ryan... I'm slowly repairing my relationship with ahrre by having a frank talk with him about our relationship in the game, which was both awkward but i think it helped??? im trynna work him pretty hard because he's a tough nut to crack but i think i can do it hehe... scott is working on mo but lets be real mo is easier to crack than ahrre, and honestly rhys' performance last tribal was good.. too good imo like.. i previously pinned him as an inactive goat but if he's able to connect with the other side that well and have them believe what he was saying, i have to give him props because that's some good plays in terms of benefiting our alliance for knowledge, bad jury management sure, but good for the alliance... at this point tbh,,, who the fuck cares about jury management... but then again it's important if you wanna win so maybe im just a dumbass

Well right now it’s final 6 and the question of a final 2 or 3 is up for debate because it could be either or.

After that tribal and David left, he tried to expose me when I had exposed myself already to the people he exposed me too. So sis there was no new tea.

Honestly now one of our 4 needs to go. The only one I would feel confident about going to the end with would be Ryan. Just as I feel he has done less. I’m super close with Scott, so I think right now I need to try and convince some people to vote out Ryan.

The only problem is I will probably need to convince Ryan and Scott or mo and ahrre. Mo and ahrre may not that me after lying to them two rounds in a row. And Scott seems to be strong for our alliance sticking to the end. So I’m going for this immunity as if I win it should all the confidence I need to make a move against my own.

I’m not feeling great. I don’t like a conversation I just had. It made me wanna quit. I’m not going to because I wanna do my best.

i really found an idol day 1 and made it to final 6 with it safe and sound.... ctfu how did this even happen, and Scott too we rly did that. the only thing about that is.... at least until we surpass final 5, there's always that worry that im gonna make a fool of myself with it and hnnnng. i feel like our 4 is solid af and yet, i'm still making myself paranoid that Tobi or even Rhys would perk up and randomly try to blindside me or Scott... but anyway yeah thats where my head at rn. i still don't talk to ahrre at all so he's a complete mystery and no idea if anyone else talks to him so that's great. Mo is an oddball still idk what to do w him kfsdfa

So I want to flip on my alliance this round. But 2 people outside my alliance are throwing me hardcore under the bus. Ok. So like how am I gonna make a move now.

pls god... lett this immunity challenge be in my favour alkfjnhfg i just want a win pls pls pls let me be guaranteed f4 lol

I just had a really good conversation with Tobi and it’s making me like really happy because this entire game I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. With people not thinking I don’t deserve to be here, that I’m a goat and people sending me condescending messages about my mistakes. It feels really nice to get praised for the good things. Don’t get me wrong I own up to my mistakes and I do my best to improve and change moving forwardss so I don’t make the same mistakes again. But usually the conversations that happen before that aren’t very happy, they’re needed and they end on a peaceful note but they don’t start out happy. But Tobi just praised me on my gameplay complimenting me and it’s such a good feeling. I think I might end up in fifth or sixth place but I’m still proud of myself and I’m going to keep fighting till the end.

so like... I'm really happy i won immunity but im kinda more annoyed with scott right now like... we had this big plan to take out ryan at 6 which is literally a perfect time now since 1) we can access numbers for it 2) he wont suspect it so the chance of an idol popping up is low 3) we can gain trust with ahrre and mo this way... but NOOOOOOOOO lets play with our emotions instead of our BRAINS and take out someone who has played a bad game and would be EASY to beat in the end like JESUS and i thought ahrre had his head up his ass... also scott is SO fucking confident know like he acts like he will 100% win against anybody in ftc and like sis... that's not the case... not if you're constantly confronting and arguing with mo and ahrre... use. ur. BRAIN.

Cemetery....

Anywho, this vote. Mo & Ahrre are voting me probably. So It seems to be a 4-2 vote. However an Idol may be played now more than ever, as I think this is the first time someone from the bottom hasnt had any hope of staying. (Dani, Felix & Jones were all blindsided , and Michael & David had some chance of staying). So one could easily be played. So ima try to push a 2-2-2 vote to save my ass.

so. (: I lost spelling bee. (: LAMDLFNFG

lowkey feel as if the words are suitable to the player tho. embarrass for ahrre as in that game is embarrassing. accommodate for Mo as in we have to accommodate for the fact that he’s a goat. Cemetary for rhys bc he makes us all wanna die @ tribals. handkerchief for me bc my ass gotta clean up ryan and tobi wanting to target each other.. and rhythm for tobi bc while hes in time rn that time is gonna run out soon :flushed:

i just dont want 6th ):

So I know it’s me and Ahrre on the chopping block. I just kinda wanted to make a quick plea. I really really wanna stay. I want to go as far as I can even if that’s just fifth. Not only to prove people wrong thinking I don’t deserve to be here, but also to prove to myself. Whatever decision you make tonight I respect wholeheartedly. But I’d love to go further.

I CACKLED @ THIS COPY PASTED PLEA.. MO BABY WYD

I’m currently making my plea to the others on why I deserve to stay. I’m proud of myself no matter the outcome but I’d love to go as far as I can.

So ahrre and mo are both kindve pleading for themselves. Mo just wants him to be saved where as ahrre is trying to flip people. He is trying to flip me again which is funny. Lowkey am a little worried just Incase it’s a ploy to get people to vote me or something. But he needs me and tobi to flip. So I think he won’t vote me which is great, incase a surprise idol is played.

soooo final 6 tribal. I definitely want Ahrre to leave finally, so how to make that happen. Scott informed me that mo/ahrre lowkey suspect i have an idol so wig. i would prefer if we went 4 strong on Ahrre bc I really don't think he has any powers, but the thing about that is i don't want to campaign for that to happen and make it look like i feel safe about idols... i don't want tobi or rhys to get suspicious and get the urge to flip on me/scott.. so kinda tricky. we'll see what happens

so recently scott and ryan have really been pounding on mo for his goatness and like... I took advantage of that hehe... I talked to mo and had a real heart to heart with him and like... I told him that he deserves more credit than he's getting and then more wholesome stuff and then BAM we got past the barrier we previously had and now we're totally cool!!... where ryan and scott burn bridges, im gonna build new ones!! so like that wasnt TOTALLY just for strategy like im not that big of an asshole... but its a mix of both. mo is a good kid and he gets too much backlash for his game.. and im gonna take advantage of that by showing up as his guardian angel hehe.. and who knows like this might pay off hugely when i need his vote at f5 to take out a bigger player but for now i'll stick to tending to his wounds that scott and ryan left.. and they really did come for him pretty hard... like REALLY hard so there is no harm in coming to him and helping him with his confidence and who knows, that might be a jury vote right there

Right so things went from Guatemala to guatepeor, I didn't win immunity I actually flopped at it in wonderful fashion it was quite beautiful really. But anyhow Tobi ended up winning it.

So I tried to talk to people and get them to do ANYTHING but to no avail really. Ryan and Scott seem set on stone. I did get Tobi to tell me that if it ties 3-3 he would flip on the revote but that's just playing it safe. Rhys told me he doesn't want to go to rocks so I'm like hey Tobi supposedly flips on the revote so maybe there's no need for that go talk to Tobi.

But they all seem to be giving me the silence threatment right before tribal even Mo has accepted what seems to be me going home.

It's a shame really cause if I do end up going home one of the majority of 4 is gonna regret it the very next week and two more later when the 4th beats them at the end. But hey congrats to that 4th guy whoever it is.

I've tought about doing an idol bluff but it wouldn't make sense for me to tell anyone I have it. Even Mo since if I hipotetically had it he wouldn't help me with it because he would be the one going home probably. Also because I would've definitely played it in a previous round for someone else if I had it and the rest probably knoes that.

Either way rn I'm currently trying to get home in time for tribal since I had to walk a chunk because I almost didn't had enough for the bus fare lel. Who knows maybe I'll survive somehow like the cockroach I am but I don't rate my chances or luck very highly. Either way at the end of the day I'm happy and you can't say I didn't try!

Ahrre is voted out 5-1.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

To the Orphans now under the protection of the Taliban,

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all you've suffered. The images I've seen are horrific and painful. Losing your family is difficult.

I've lost mine several times. So much. I know it has made me stronger and sadder.

My parents were also murdered and so I know the sadness and need, sometimes we Just need our parents. I'm old and i still need my parents.

But I know my parents are angels and are here often, even if I dont recognize or remember them. I still find comfort from them.

So sometimes us orphans are the luckiest because our parents are angels that never leave us. And always protect us.

It doesn't make up for their murder, it just makes up for their absence.

I hope this translates well. I just wanted to say from my scarred heart to yours, I care and I love you

I know as orphans our safety is taken away, our comfort, our nutrition, our education, every thing perfect.

But i also know that those that have needs and have pain usually can find each other and help each other and do Well in social ways and grow to be as good ss their parents wanted.

I talked with Malcolm in 2008 and he promised me $5 billion USD for every child he ever stole in the Middle East to go to me, to heal my heart.

In the USA, we pay $2 million per kidnapped victim and other benefits. And since you were kidnapped by a USA citizen, you get those benefits from the USA government.

I promised in 2008 i will take at least half of the money to the Middle East to provide for the victims for life. Food, clothes, homes. Anything they want. You want a yacht? You want a car? You get it. So there is a special DNA4U shop in the app for those special victim orphans of Malcolm and his associates, Brandon as well and any other Victim in the Middle East of human trafficking.

Worldwide tree offers a 35% discount for life in the shop for all victims.

And I'll have to see if he actually has that much money to give to me. Because we cannot have an imbalance of rich and poor.

So for a period of 2 years I'll offer the entire Middle East free life to upgrade their lifestyle to wells and solar electricity and better homes. Luxurious mansions and cars. So their bills will be low or not at all but they have all they ever wanted.

Then we will expand that globally of course.

It will take time But that has always been my lifelong dream.

I will also love to donate money to the Taliban to help their infrastructure to protect and love their community better without hostility as they do.

I also hope to liberate the woman better so they must not have to wear so much clothing protection in the heat. And i hope DNA4U helps that.

I do admire the culture of protecting the woman from being degraded by vultures of men. However, i know how disgusting men are and the coverings sometimes make it worse, it makes it a more of a game of competition and with extreme aggression.

Don't worry, those hidden away. It doesn't happen so often. But I think you know exactly what I mean.

And the girls that have been abducted and stolen as children and even women to work in factories don't wear coverings.

As a child working in Iraq, i would disguise myself as a boy as often as possible to avoid the hair covering. But I would carry a bandanna if I worried.

As I got older, it was difficult to keep it on, it would slide and i would not notice or would panic.

I was never beat but I was detained once. Otherwise the reminders were gentle and just a sidewise glance "you need to cover up dear" girls would often stop to help me cover better on the street. Then i would go look in a mirror or window reflection to see how they did it for me so i would know in the future.

So the culture is not unkind.

But like here in the USA with racism, there are beatings and death and so on related to the coverings of ladies.

So if those restrictions are lifted then I can give great strides to the military in the forms of financial assistance. Just so they don't have to wear them at all.

Suddenly now we all have to wear masks and when i go out, i see us wearing masks. Almost all people i see are wearing them.

So, I know it is possible to change the law immediately and then it come into effect easily. I do know that there will be horrible horrible fights as i have seen over the simple reason to wear a mask. People are being shot, arms broke and it is absolutely horrific! I am shocked. Absolutely shocked because it is for our health so we do not die! And yet, I know it is those people that must get COVID and die. They are the reason COVID exists and I pray it gets spread faster to those that are violent.

And so for the Middle East the change cannot be immediate and uncontrolled. It will be too dangerous for the woman. They must be protected to not wear coverings.

So i think it would be about a period of 6 months to one year of daily teaching and reminder of no coverings and as to why.

At this very moment in time, coverings are better and safer for the women. As their hair and so on is protected from breath and sneezes. As they get home they can immediately remove the coverings and wash the germs away

So what I would like in the middle East.. Is a optional for men... As it is mandatory for most to wear mask or otherwise recommended, I would like it to be recommended for men to wear a simple head scarf.

This way they can see it is cumbersome and they can feel liberated and also feel understandings toward women when they, too, can be free from having to wear hair covers.

This will build community understanding and support.

So, while their whole head but eyes must be covered -- and in some areas all their arms as well .... It is cumbersome and so much ... The whole community, all genders.

They are unified in their outdoor uniform. So women feel the men are seeing their discomfort they have with their required adornments.

And so the news will tell the people that the men must wear as recommended for their health the same covering as women and not their usual taller wraps. They may feel the woman Don't have it So bad...as it is less heavy. However the threat.

It is the threat which must be educated. The men must wear the woman's covering for the threat of COVID. And understand the women wear them for the threat of jail, fines and death. And the men must make that educational connection. And the government and media must help. Then they will find that emotional unity. And support for the female gender roles.

I do not want to punish the men. I want to have them to be able to support the women. Show them the support from their hearts.

A man choosing to wesr a hajib says in public as a vote "women I support you to stop wearing these when it is safe to breathe again without masks"

I know some cities in India are most polluted and they may continue to wear mask but i mean for the Corona and COVID reasons.

So, it is just men who stand in solidarity, proud and strong to say "women I support you in your choice to be free from so much cloth. It is unnecessary in normal time"

As a woman I will feel relieved, I would feel pride. I would feel extra happy. I would feel joy. I would cry tears. My heart would be filled with hope and love and would soar to the skies.

It is symbolic of love. I know the Middle East is certainly capable of this. To have significant symbolic gestures of love.

74% of children have been kidnapped and placed in bunkers in human trafficking and do not wear traditional Middle Eastern clothing. They all wear men's tunic and pants, including the women which is a Style of India for women but they wear plain colored cotton. Unlike the gorgeous style of India.

So this will also show support and love for those coming out of human trafficking. So they don't have to come out and learn all these new things. Some were infants when taken underground. They have so much overwhelming information and stimulation having to wear hajibs and cover their arms or otherwise be punished... That is too much for those that have suffered so much already.

So i ask the government to change their laws and rulings and encourage the changes. And i will instill finances in their military. I have awesome planes and boats and more that i can supply and better wages and more.

Education is the key to allow the coverings to be removed after the COVID and Corona crisis.

As for the victims a special color, yellow and rainbow was or is or will be provided for them So they can be held accountable different in public for their dress, so it is known they have an educational crisis in how to dress in public and must be forgiven. I think it is a baklava, tho so it is simple to wear. So they are not punished or taken aside. Like a ski mask... But has "wings" so it wraps around pretty.

So they pull the ski mask down then wrap the extra material around their chest and neck and head so they look conventional but they don't have the fuss of using just a wrap (single sheet of fabric) and having to deal with it just falling. The public has had access to this design since Fall of 2008. I did design it myself. So you're welcome.

And although i do support the custom. I would like it not to be a law and it be optional only.

During cold days I am sure the hajib and other head dresses will come out. I don't want it to become obsolete. Like no one ever wore them

So plans of festivities where traditional clothing is recommended, like how we have medieval festivals and people dress up to attend. Then pay to get in. So then we could allow free tickets to those that wear. Or free food or games if it is an open street faire which I prefer. Men also have traditional dress.

So if I opened a restaurant, I would say, "75% off your meal if you come in traditional dress"

Then we would see people on the streets and driving in those old style clothing so it does not become extinct. Because I would hate to take away a culture.

So a pizza place with games and prizes, a traditional Middle Eastern Cuisine, Mexican Restaurante, McDonald's. All those types of and more. Could and would offer a discount.

And I will ensure that is supplied at regular prices. Then a discount is offered. Here a traditional sit down restaurant meal is $8-10 so if I wore every single component I would pay $2.50 which would cover the actual cost of the food and a little leftover.

So the restaurant will make sure the cost of the food is covered per plate. This way the restaurant can continue to operate.

On a Well with solar electricity, owning the building, the monthly cost is low. Next to free.

Then there is labor. 60-90% will dress. So as I said $2.50 for a steak, potatoe and vegetables bought whole sale is $1 left over for wages and building and insurance and other fee.

Also only milk water or tea. No soda, no coca cola no Pepsi... That shit is toxic. I know. I drink it every single day. But we will have sparkling juice. 😇 for the burps. Only healthy good pure ... Even at the McDonald's. But ice cream yes!

So if we serve 50 plates an hour. That's $50 per hour.

Say we only serve 10. That's $10. At 12 hours per day is $120. So what? I'm rich. It will be fine on my taxes I'll have to pay less and then I'll have to pay out of pocket.

I just got $5 billion per kidnapped child in the middle East. I can feed the people that want to keep culture alive and keep their cost down. Allow them a gift.

Anyway this got on a run away train as per usual.

These are things I would like to do in the Middle East.

Only.

Of course I'll do things for other countries but the Middle East has their own particular special things we get to accomplish.

With DNA4U it makes it different.

Hajib and things are to protect women from being looked at And sought by men that are unknown to them.

But DNA4U protects them from such men and people. So the hajib and arm coverings are not necessary any longer.

Except the culture is absolutely beautiful when the woman is respected and others around her are not lacking understanding and respect and compassion.

So I do not want the culture to be lost.

However I know the cumbersome and fear associated with the laws and rulings of the clothing.

We still have Brandon's stolen children to find and some others in the middle east. Brandon calls his orphanages. And they're underground.

Eric Trump's are dry martini. That is his text codes. When he doesn't want a wet one, that is the gas chamber location (he has to confess because i found out he gave me Tuberculosis. And got my daughter Brittany Spears taken away and she has diabetes as a result, because she was a newborn when he dosed me and she got it and worked with Denise to steal my child)

And there's more.

My dad Fred will post more.

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 2 “Let Me Go Get Some Pants On” Junior

So Mist was the first boot, and I'm sittin here just thanking god that it wasn't me.  Now to slay only 24 other fools!

So that first round was SO MUCH FUN! So much happened and I love and adore each and every one of my tribemate <3 <3 oh fuck I'm not a hero Honestly, these people are very hard to talk to and everything feels forced, but thanks to Jonathan calling out Kage for his creepy stalking antics, I think I've made a new friend! Because all friendships are founded on hate for another person! <3 now im just hoping junior doesnt mcfuck up so that I get another day of relaxation

okay so everything is going well, I heckin love my mini alliance with Linus, Kage, Alex and Tommy. I mean I talk more to Alex and Kage but this alliance is cute and I am glad to be part of something so soon in the game. Hopefully this works out. Anyways, rn Junior and some Ashton guy are seeing how long they can stand. Will this challenge take 72 hours? Possibly. Do I believe in Junior? Of heckin course. 

So I am not the first honorary 26th placer or TS! However, I'm mad because we voted out a potential ally in Mist and it's all because Alex Crooks is being... himself. Like I'm starting to like him yeah but he's being too controlling over things. He got the Malaysians together with the Solomons minus Steffen but like. Why vote out Mist? I'm just getting a little frustrated because Pippa and Alex are like, becoming this horrifying power couple thing since they're both theater nerds and I'm like! Pippa! Game now dick later! If those 2 continue to control things then Crooks gotta go. Sorry Peepo <3 Anyway Ashton did THAT for us in this duels of duality thing so yay Ashton. I wanna keep him around as a number for myself so this is good, and now the lowest I can officially get is 24th :~) I just need Steffen out of here. But now Isaac is saying he would like Drew out more just because Steffen trusted him with the whole extra vote and I'm like okay? Whom care? He might trust you but this is what Steffen does every game. People just say oh we'll get him next time. Oh we'll get him next time. Oh we'll get him next time UNTIL it's like 10 more rounds in and then he fucks you over. So I'm not having it! Maybe I can plant little anti-Steffen seeds in people like Ashton, Trace, and Dom. Maybe Ruthie too depending on how close we think she is to Steffen. I just want to take the people out that I think will benefit me in the long run. And yes one of those people will be Drew, but I realize I'm being a hypocrite because Drew does the same thing Steffen does but right now we have a majority alliance with Drew so taking out Steffen over a number that will potentially hurt us if taken out seems like the better plan to me. Just.....saying...........

ASHTON I AM SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU! FROM BEING FIRST VOTED OUT TO SURVIVING THE FIRST VOTE TO CARRYING THE WHOLE TEAM TO IMMUNITY!!! Honestly, working with Ashton is one of my #1 goals in this game, and I'm happy we're safe, so I don't have to worry about tribal, especially considering tomorrow would've been a pretty tough day for me to worry about it. 

As for the twist, I don't think this twist is going to go on for TOO long, but if it does, and we merge without a tribe swap, I'd be shocked, but I feel that won't be the case, and I should be off of this tribe sooner rather than later to start making more connections and dominating more motherfuckers. :)

On 8/29/17, at 9:42 AM, Steffen Bøhn wrote: > so we had to pick a leader to rep the heroes tribe, I know I didn’t want to do it, so I suggested picking a name out of my cup, so I ripped up 3 papers and put the heroes names on it, but I ripped 1 paper smaller than the others and put Ashton’s name on it, so once it was mixed in I could tell which was his when I picked it

https://youtu.be/SQbfbMWJD4U

Are these people gonna vote out Brian over Pat? Like.... really? Pat has deadass done NOTHING this game so far. We are six days in and he has yet to send a single message to me or a good half of the villains tribe. Yet somehow Brian is a better person to boot over Pat. I'm like extra upset because I actually REALLY like Brian and I don't want him to go, but I also know that it's not my place to try and swing the vote the other way. If Pat stays, it's only going to make the silence more awkward. I don't need him here. He does nothing to benefit my game. Brian has been a friend to me ever since this game began. It's sad. Maybe it'll be for the better, but I knew I was gonna have to rely on making new friends to last in this game :/ having to vote one of them out this early is gonna suuuuck.

 welp junior just said it's Brian so may as well prepare to be up junior's ass all season since we're following his lead already. I'm fucking mad about life, mad I couldn't search for an idol for six whole days, mad that I'm losing the only person I fucking LIKED so far....... but I guess we have to look at the bigger picture. just bc I'm losing Brian doesn't mean that I don't have friends. I still have gotten close to Alex and Jonathan (who just messaged me "I'd rather do pat!!!!") (Aka I can go get fucked at this point) and I guess Kage and Junior, too. I'm all for blindsides. But I HATE having to vote out Brian. Sorry Zack :/

If anybody's having flashbacks to Arabia that's totally justified. So in a Skype call this morning, the alliance of five eventually, after much dilly-dallying, decided to target Pat. Wait, what?  They picked Brian?  What the fuck? That's...okay, fine.  We're targeting Brian.  Not Pat.  Who sucks.  Brian.  Who doesn't. Obviously I don't love this.  And on the one hand goddammit I SHOULD go for this. Buuuuuuuuuuut What if....I didn't What if......I didn't like how Kage was pitching secretly to split the votes between Pat and Brian and what if I didn't like that Kage gave Brian a bad location to search for the Idol and what if......I voted for Pat instead Hmm.  Thoughts. We'll see what happens.  There's still 90 minutes to go.  Anything could happen!

So after the awkwardness passed that we have to go to tribal, people gradually started to open the game talks and ultimately, although there was a minor conflict between Kage and Jonathan, the two targets seem to settle on Brian and Pat for their lack of social presence thus far And then someone along the way decided that it would be Brian leaving so it seemed to be going his direction but like.....I don't want to vote him? And I think others feel the same? So I started to voice that opinion to people (which was risky and maybe a mistake but i ain't scared) and it seems the tide might be turning (or already had turned and I just jumped on eagerly). If this vote goes against Pat instead of Brian I'll feel MUCH better...but I am putting myself out there by doing this and these are big villains so there might be another plot in the making...... sorry but I love my bf by proxy (thx Zack for donating him this season!) and I don't want to vote him out.....

earlier today i went to tommy bc i know he has connections and i wanted to plant the seed that me being here is in his own best interest so i was like look we're both the only winners here if one of us leaves the other is an automatic target and thats true.. but then cut to 5 hours later and this vote is a mess and i'm pissed bc i wasnt a part of ANY planning conversations about this vote so clearly thats a red flag! i've only been told second hand from people what "people" are saying and "i heard....." when its not like these things just come out of nowhere conversations were had and people came together to make these plans and throw out names of brian and pat and i wasnt a part of any of them so i hate everyone!! anyway tommy wants to vote out brian and i was like eh whatever ill do anything but then i start talking to other people and apparently more people are voting out pat??? idk the truth bc i dont have the relationships with people on this tribe to like know the full tea but it seems like more people are voting out pat right now so tommys asking me what im doing and im like look dude i think i might vote out pat and now tommys guilt tripping me [8/29/17, 8:27:55 PM] Tommy Shallow: :'( [8/29/17, 8:28:48 PM] Tommy Shallow: but I thought we were going to be in an alliance together lmao its kinda funny ahahahah anyway idk whats happening personally i think brian leaving would be better because we have gone against eachother in a couple games and i know hes close with steffen so he has connections on the other side vs pat the flop but on the other hand pat hasnt talked to me at all and if i vote with brian maybe that will be like hey we cool and im in the majority bc thats all i care about i just want to lay low but somehow im like caught in the middle bc people want me to do something even though it seems like the votes are set in stone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6KpNy00Yjk Second thing

Talking to Andrew about taking out Ruthie next, and I'm already proposing getting us to work with Steffen, which is good, and once I move to getting him to WANT to work with Trace and Dom, I'm almost settled in my ways of getting the people I trust on one side to trust the people I want to work with from the other side. I wouldn't mind staying in these tribes for awhile, because this means that I can take out a lot of people I don't wanna work with, and then once we swap, I know I can trust all the heroes going forward, and I can work on the villains. Divide and conquer man, divide and conquer..... Except I'm not dividing with anyone, it's just myself.

there's a new Jaiden in town... and his name is Kage Hamilton

RIP MY DUMBASS FOR SELF VOTING. Honestly I haven't had wifi all day and I feel bad for accidentally self voting but it doesn't seem like anyone really cares because in the end, Pat still went home. I mean which is good. However, once I came back to the land of the living, Jaiden was telling me about how Kage was basically making things hella stressful like an hour before the vote??? I mean our alliance was hoping to vote Brian so I assume that is what Kage was telling everyone. But apparently they would have none of it because everyone likes Brian. I am starting to think I may need to be careful as to what I say to that alliance, and make sure Kage or any of the other boys get the wrong idea of what I am planning. ALSO WHAT THE HECK, SARAH AND I JUST REALIZED THERE ARE ONLY 5 GIRLS ON THIS SEASON?!?!? LIKE WHAT?!?!! This is basically screaming an all girls alliance, you watch it happen. 

Well I've been majorly slacking with these confessionals lol but iM gonna take it all the way back to grade A robbery. Of course Judging is a subjective thing but idc the judges got it objectively wrong. It was simple, Our flag was there flag wasn't. I've got no idea how we lost that. So instantly my first thought after that is...Fuck me im getting francesca'd. First boot two times that'll be iconic i guess. Nobodies throwing out names until finally a mist crusade begins. I feel terrible for the guy. He just got fucked by moving on the same day. But when is this game ever fair. Mist goes unanimously all things are good. 

Literally minutes after Mist goes we have to get ready for a live challenge and choose 3 people to compete. Since everyone else are adults and i'm a no-life teen obviously I volunteer. The challenge starts we randomly choose our leader and Yay it's me. My enthusiasm dies however when I hear the challenge...Pressure Cooker. FUCK ME NOOOOO. I wasn't ready for this!! but I sucked it up and got in for the long haul. When the briberiea began I started to realize though that thing could be perfect for my game. It shows my loyalty by not accepting any of those fucking awesome advantages. And it shows I have fight for our tribe by standing up there for 2 and a half hours. I was ecstatic when I won and kind of just collapsed cuz my left leg was in a lot of pain. Everyone was co gratulatorio me which was a nice feeling. Basically Things are going great for me rn. My closest allies are Johnny and Tommy at this point i think. 

Kendall thought that Johnny was from India so she tried to rope him into an alliance with her, Alex C, him, and villains Sarah and Ashley. I'm shaking because he told me everything and basically (seemingly) trusts me completely. So my cracked ass tells Isaac everything and how we need to make a move on this and he's like we can't play this way. So I made a chart: http://prntscr.com/gern7w Me making this chart and talking to Isaac about it: https://pics.me.me/te-me-explaining-conspiracy-theories-to-my-friends-3324709.png So I'm gonna fuckin die and just put my explanation into a youtube video yeah

[unicornninjabitch]

Me to my therapist: No I’ve been doing really well :)

Me to strangers on the internet who dont give a fuck: Yo guess who’s having a depressive episode?! It’s me bitches

Here’s a secret, I’m a shitty person. I’ve hurt people that no amount of apologies could help. I wish I could’ve ended somethings on better terms than I did and I wish I could erase myself from some people’s lives cause all I did was fuck them over. I know this and I like to think if given the opportunity I could give them the apology they deserve cause, believe it or not, I’m a fucking disaster. I don’t want to sound like an Edgelord™, but I really am a fucking mess. I could blame the childhood I had or my own issues and you know those might be part of it, but I also know I’m basically always smashing my self-destruct button. I know I run from good things cause for so long my life motto was “Leave before you’re left” cause everyone left. My dad, uncles, aunts, cousins, best friends, my mom, exes, everyone left me behind at some point. For years I refused to call anyone my best friend because they all disappeared. Hell one of them left cause I didn’t have feelings for him and I blamed my fucking self. I told myself for months “If you just pretended you could’ve liked him” like that would be fair to either of us. For fucks sake even my middle school relationships I ended when they were good because I was terrified I’d get hurt. The only relationship I didn’t fucking run from was the one where I got cheated on like 3 times cause I was a dumbass freshman who thought some boy really changed for me. For gods sake I still get put on edge when people say nice things about me cause for so long nice things always came with a but or some kinda favor that needed to get done. I don't even ask my family to help me with a bunch of things cause that meant I owed them and owing people was a place I didn’t ever want to be (especially financially)

I think what it comes down to might be I’m scared to let myself be happy cause being happy was always followed by something terrible following it like if I stay alone and depressed then I can’t ever be let down. I know that’s a terrible way to approach life and it’s not healthy and I wish I could say I’m working on it, but I don’t know how to take that out of me. I think I’ve always been that way though, well at least a good portion of my life. I thought being abandoned was normal, but then I had friends and they would talk about their families. Their families were fucking great, they had their parents and the biggest complaint was their curfew or how they always had to sit down together to eat and a HUGE part of me kinda hated them. They had no idea what I would have gave for that, for a happy family, a normal family that were there for each other and consistent, for parents who didn’t start screaming the second they made eye contact. Here they were with the nerve to complain and I know I didn’t know everything about their home lives but it didn’t stop me from being angry or sad or deflecting every question about my family. And this shit all went down before my depression really started up can you believe that?! Like at least 2 years before and it just got fucking worse. I got sadder and angrier as the years went on cause my parents fought more (and i swore a divorce wouldve helped this but nope) and they still complained about curfews and sleepovers and dinners and what was baby Alex up to? Baby Alex was trying to keep a broken house from completely shattering and working and playing the messenger and being the middle man and parenting and being too grown up for a fucking 12 year old, so I stayed away from everyone and I delt with everything by taking it on myself. It wasn’t good, I’d hit myself and skip meals thinking if I got skinny I’d be pretty and refusing to sleep and cutting up my wrist and I probably did other dumb shit too.

Man and 8th grade was just the start of my eating issues, actually maybe it was 4th, but whatever. Okay so the 4th grade parts more one kid called me fat so I swore off breakfast and to this day I can’t eat till I’ve been awake for at least 2 hours. Then 8th grade there were days I’d only eat chips for lunch, but 9th grade was by far the worst. Okay 9th grade picture this you’ve been called fat since basically 4th grade and a lot of your 8th grade year your dad keeps saying “Oh you should eat better. You need to be more active” shit like that and you keep going on “family diets” plus the everyday self hate of being a teenager and society's beauty standards you cant meet. One day in the beginning of 9th grade I was really hating my body so I decided I’d go on a diet, so of course I downloaded an app and stared at pictures of skinny people with hip bones poking out and thigh gaps. However this app wasn’t worried about exercise or healthy food, but instead just calorie intake (see the problem already?) I thought if I keep the calorie intake below what the app says I lose more weight and faster. My daily eating schedule was a 90 calorie gatorade, half of a pb&j, half a carton of chocolate milk, and the smallest portion of dinner I could get (sometime with lunch I’d eat exctly 6 fries), but I mostly drank diet green tea and ice water. Each week I gave myself one “cheat day” where I ate whatever the fuck I wanted, but even then I tried to limit myself. I got called anorexic a lot at lunch because of how carefully I cut my food and pushed the remainder away from me. It was mostly kids joking and I mostly laughed it off or flipped them off cause I didn’t care they were joking. Until one day a friend offered me half his gatorade, so I took it drank some and put into the app how much I drank to which he said “Holy shit you really count your calories?” so I shrugged him off just like so what it’s not like I’m doing anything dangerous. Now mind you somedays my calorie intake was down to like 500 and the average for me at that time was like 1000 maybe (i dont remember its been a long time but it wasnt healthy). What stopped this you ask? Well I was talking to my mom one day and I was proud cause I lost like 15 pounds and a friends mom noticed (she asked if I was sick) and I noticed and I was just really proud, but my mom just said I was like obsessed, which looking back I was but at that time I was so pissed cause I didnt think I was. Then I stopped for a little, but it started up once I noticed I was gaining weight back. Then my mom had a miscarriage and got really depressed so she stayed with her boyfriend at the time who lived like 6 hours away. Food became like a huge thing, I ate a lot of junk food everyday cause I felt guilty. At that time me and my mom were butting heads a lot for whatever reasons and I was in the room with her when she learned the baby’s heartbeat stopped. I of course told her I was okay and didnt cry cause I wanted to be strong for her since she wa a mess, but I was like totally numb inside and totally blamed myself. (Now I logically know it wasnt my fault but I still feel like it was somehow if that makes sense?) Now my moms gone for the first time in my life, I’m with my dad who at this point I still can’t stand, my brothers are fighting a lot, I’m still distancing myself from friends, I’m dating a total douchebag, and it was just a lot for me, so I just constantly comfort ate cause I didn’t know how to talk about these issues to anyone.

Now back track to me saying I’m s hitty person, I was dating this guy and I loved him, I really dd, but I was scared. My last relationship was awful and bad and no one deserves that kind of relationship, but nonetheless I start dating this guy and it wasn’t healthy, I dont think. We were on and off for a while,I picked fights cause I was always told fightings normal in relationships, but we didn’t ever fight and I thought relationship fights were screaming and crying and slamming doors and shit like that cause that’s all I knew. Eventually we were together straight for about 6 months (I think all together it was about 9 months) and they were good for the most part, we may have moved too fast and planned forever too soon, but we were happy and didn’t care cause we loved each other. Then we broke up for good and I regretted it for a long time and we still talked convinced we could be friends after swearing we’d get married and other shit, but it didn’t work that way, so after about a year of us talking to each other scared to let go and move on and shit we finally said what we’re doing isnt good and we have to go separate ways. I was still miserable for awhile cause a part of me still loved him and maybe a part of me always will, but we unfollowed each other on everything and I think for myself I blocked him to make sure I didn’t do anything dumb.

After I like healed or whatever I dated this girl, she was fucking awesome, cute as hell, funny, just great and we were together not long but I had strong feelngs for her, but the Gender Crisis™ came and I didn’t know how to tell her what was going on so I told her I had some shit to figure out and we broke up and I immediately blocked her everywhere cause I didn’t want to hurt her like I did with that guy,and maybe it was dumb to do it that way, but I didn’t know how else to do it.

The moral of this is I’m awful, I do this shit at least once every summer, and idk how to talk about my issues in any other way than to word vomit to strangers on the internet.