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bangtanblurbs · 3 years

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autumn leaves

song: autumn leaves by BTS

first experience: my first listen of autumn leaves was when HYYH pt. 2 released. thanksgiving had just ended -- it was 2015. i was well into my fourth year of undergraduate studies and going through both a rough patch in some respects but also in others -- hitting my stride. i remember my first listen through of HYYH pt. 2 was in my tiny dorm room, perched on my bed, avoiding the responsibility of studying for my final exams. autumn leaves followed skit in the tracklisting, and before skit came baepsae. talk about whiplash... my emotions were all over the place. immediately i was taken by the unique backbeat and the beautiful blend of devastating vocals with emotional raps. for me, autumn leaves was immediately a favorite of mine from the album -- following closely behind butterfly. i can confidently say today though that the song is one of my top ten bangtan songs of all time. something about the sound, the lyrics, and the emotions i can hear in their voices makes it one of the most powerful rap ballads in the bangtan repertoire. i can remember distinctly i came to this revelation around christmas of 2015 as i continued to loop HYYH pt. 2 and really feel each beat and sound within the individual tracks.

at this time i was going through a period of great change in my life - and autumn leaves is the perfect song for change. it’s a song about losing a love but also about feeling as if you are losing a piece of yourself. there are many ways to interpret the song outside of just being another sad love song -- that is something that struck me. the lyrics speak to several facets of what happens when you give pieces of yourself to others, or when you reach crossroads in your life. finding this song at this particular moment in my life was like finding energy and light at a time of extreme darkness. it was healing. soothing.

feelings: i have too many. as always. autumn leaves is special to me because when i listen to it i’m reminded of both the place i was in when the sound found me, but also more recent development in my life that continue to relate to the song. when i first heard autumn leaves, i’d recently ended a relationship i’d been far too invested in despite knowing it was going to be a dead end - for about three years. i felt like i was at a point in my life where i needed to figure out who the hell i was without the one i’d loved. it’s funny though - i was happy to be free of that relationship, to be free of him, the pressures he’d put upon me. what do dead leaves mean if not a new spring right around the corner? perhaps i was feeling lost, but in my mind it was only temporary -- the dead must fall away to bring forward the spring.

that being said, i did mourn. not in the way you might think, but in the way that one mourns for lost time, lost identity. so often we, as women, give up our identities when we are in relationships. we allow others to define us in terms of those that we are in relationships with. i’ve realized this now that i’m older -- now that i’m more at peace with my bisexuality -- the notion that our patriarchal society defines us in terms of the men within our lives rather than our own talents and identities. this particular blog isn’t a space for my feelings on that topic though -- what i will say is that autumn leaves comforted me. perhaps i felt that i was at a point where my leaves were dying -- but does that mean the tree is dead? absolutely not. spring would come. my life would be reborn with a new focus taking over.

this being said -- i’ve always been one of those people that holds onto the past. i always wanted to be solid, non-changing, someone with convictions that they carried along from life. i think this stems from experiencing the death of a close friend while i was very young. i cherished the memories associated with her to the point where i didn’t want to lose the person i was when i knew her. so that’s always complicated change for me -- made the moments where the last leaves fell from the autumn trees that much harder. sure, spring was on its way, but what did that mean? would i lose the memories and the moments when my leaves where at their brilliance the previous season? or would i still carry those with me? what if i needed to correct course and completely rewrite who i was over the past -- would that mean losing who i was when i was loved by those i valued in the past? of course not -- but for some reason the more emotional sides of me didn’t see things in such a fluid way. lost was more profound when i was younger because it was also accompanied with these fears over the loss of my identity.

as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that identity can have staying power whilst also being something that is fluid. transmuting something doesn’t mean destroying or overwriting it. it means building upon the base and modifying it so that things are more brilliant. the me that existed before and during my long-term relationship was the same me i’d carry into the future, but with many more improvements for my own wellbeing and ability to express myself. for me, autumn leaves is just that. whilst on the surface it may convey the emotions of a breakup -- it also simply conveys the feelings that we get when we progress from one period of life to another. we leave parts of ourselves behind in order to improve. does that mean we are fundamentally changed? absolutely not. it means that we have learned from the past -- that we have made progress. in the same way that trees grow and change over the years. perhaps they look differently (taller, greener in hue? more branches?) but they still provide us with lushness and shade.

personal connection: perhaps i’ve jumped ahead... i’ve already delved into this in the feelings section. that being said... i hope that my story can bring comfort to someone else. or perhaps help you all think about the ways in which bangtan songs can promote healing in your own lives.

since my initial experience with the song i’ve had many other moments where i’ve turned to autumn leaves for comfort. i didn’t just leave it in the past -- it’s come with me as i’ve gotten older and moved into new spaces in my life. particularly i quite literally moved and started a huge new chapter in my life. and on this, autumn leaves has been a song i frequently find myself searching for. there’s a line in the song that resonates with me -- it’s in the bridge: “i hold on to these faded memories / is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back”

initially i’d been excited for my big move from atlanta to washington dc. i thought it’d be the moment where i finally showed people back home that i wasn’t a failure, that all the pride i’d held in myself and my intellectual accomplishments was valid... but partnered with that came the intensive homesickness, the feeling of being an alien. i wasn’t really welcome here in dc. i still don’t feel welcome, but that’s a story for another day - another song. the reality is though, i moved just as the seasons turned to fall. it felt like my old life was falling away, i was bidding adieu my old life -- the community that had raised me since i was eighteen -- it was all gone. i was scared, terrified my friends wouldn’t keep in touch, afraid i’d have to change who i was to experience success (mask my accent, dye my hair, use the language of the elites)... while it’s not a breakup in the way the autumn leaves reads, i felt like i was having to plead with myself not to let go of who i was just for the sake of being accepted here, or for the sake of making my day to day life easier. the beat of the song brought me comfort as i walked to school, where i received the fake smiles of professors and classmates... i pleaded with myself -- to never let the parts of me that had gotten me to where i was fall away... to always let those dead leaves be the fertilizer for who i was becoming, for the me that would deliver myself closer to my dreams.

even now -- i listen to autumn leaves and think about what i’m going to carry forward as the seasons change and we begin to work our way into a new normal in this pandemic. what parts of me will remain? what relationships will i keep? what *should* fall away, and what will i beg to keep around rather it’s healthy or not? i’m not sure. but closing my eyes and listening to the steady sound of autumn leaves brings me nothing but comfort.

song breakdown

musically: autumn leaves is one of the most iconic songs from the HYYH era. the beat is iconic, the mix of vocal line and rap line from verse to chorus is completely seamless, it’s almost like a ballad rap (so iconic of the HYYH era, with songs like love is not over). the asian style beats, and synth... the sounds of the song are flawless from start to finish. the underlying beat of the song is so smooth, it feels almost like constant crashing waves, the ebb and flow of the beat with a few accents to highlight the emotional pick-ups of the verses.

now -- it was controversial at the time -- many claim that autumn leaves samples beats from deadroses by blackbear. rather that’s true or not, i don’t know. but i find that listening to both songs back to back, they’re speaking to a lot of similar themes but with their own distinct sound and messages. there’s something about the genius of the back beat mixed with the emotionally charged rapping that sets autumn leaves apart -- also the use of vocal line is completely distinct and adds to the emotion in the sound.

vocally: i don’t have as much to say about the vocals in this song. they’re beautiful, with vocal providing honey belts throughout the choruses, which sound more like a repeated bridge. we also see the slower, more emotionally accented rap style from each of rapline. the integration of the vocals and rap are iconically HYYH and BTS. we see the raps pick up, and slow down providing for pre-choruses to build into the beautiful vocal ballad ranges.

autumn leaves performed live -- it’s something incredible. something i’m thankful i was able to experience. bangtan obviously never disappoint, but you can really hear the emotions in their voice with autumn leaves. the perfect adlibs, the changing rap paces, the roughness of rapline’s lower registers... it delivers the sadder themes of the song perfectly.

lyrically: time for a DEEP dive yet again. autumn leaves is about change, the loss of a love. of course meanings can be layered, it can be about change, but on the very surface its a song about loss of love because of changes over time.

jin and jungkook start out the song beautifully. the lyrics lead in directly addressing the theme: “fall like those dry leaves / just falling without strength, my love.” indicating that the song is like a letter - it’s a message to a love. the speaker is comparing their situation to a dead leaf, useless... time has run out... time to leave and fade away... something new to come a replace. falling without strength, it seems as if the speaker is saying they’ve got no more fight in them anymore, they’ve given up and realized continuing the fight is futile. it’s time to just let everything fall away, fade into black. “your heart just goes far away / i can’t catch you / i can’t catch you anymore, anymore / i can’t hold onto you, yeah” as much as the speaker would like to hold onto the moment they are in, hold onto the person they’re with... they can’t anymore. the other person is too far away. time has led to them drifting further apart, their relationship falling away like a dead leaf.

yoongi starts off the first rap, leading in with heavy emotions and continuing the story, and theme of a tree moving into fall. “those fallen leaves that look so insecure / seem like they’re looking at us.” the leaves have already fallen off the tree now, they’re dead on the ground -- peering back up at the speaker and their partner. i interpret this as the leaves are looking back at something they used to be a part of, something familiar to them, just as leaves are a part of our lives, trees spectating our lives as we live. these leaves were a part of their lives -- and now they’re gone, a piece is dead now. “if i touch your hand, even if it’s all at once / it seems like it’ll all become crumbs” -- this line illustrates again the analogy that the leaves are like the speaker’s significant other, someone that might just crumble away like it was never even there before, like a dream, it’s that distant. “i only looked / with the autumn wind” the seasons have changed, it’s that time, it’s been that time, and now the wind is a force that finally pushing the leaf off the tree, finally pushing the relationship or moment of life to end. “your words and expressions that become cold at some point / i can see that our relationship is fading / an empty relationship like the autumn sky” this line directly refers to the relationship like the seasons -- there was a spring, beautiful and blooming, love blossomed. and in summer it burned. but as time went on, the clouds went away and the rain stopped (the autumn sky doesn’t bring the spring showers to nurture the relationship anymore) and the fire consumed everything, burning it out and leaving nothing. “an ambiguous difference compared to before / today of all days, the much quieter night” there’s nothing left -- there no more crackle of the fire burning, no more love. it’s empty, and gone. but nobody knew when it became this way or why, it just did. “one lead left clinging to a branch / it’s shattering, i see the end.” there’s something hanging on -- perhaps it’s just the memory -- perhaps it’s just the part of them that is afraid of change, that wishes they could stay in the warmth. but even so, it’s beginning to crumble, it’s beginning the process to fall away. “dead leaves becoming dried / the silence inside your aloof heart / please don’t leave me / please don’t leave me, crumbling dead leaves” from dead to dried, the emphasis is made that at some point things have moved past ending or that they have been done for quite some time and for them to now also be dried. that being said they’re dried, not gone, the memories exist the emotions have left their place. someday the marks of this relationship will impact and provide the basis for another with someone else -- for better or worse.

then, we reach the bridge-like chorus. it’s simple in lyrics despite emotion packed in tone. “i want the you that meets my eyes / i want the you that wants me again” this line indicates that the partner in this situation has walked away and had decided not to even acknowledge the speaker. to pretend they don’t exist, to remove them from their life -- perhaps to not even keep them as a memory. “please don’t leave me / please don’t fall / never never fall / don’t go far away” the speaker begins to beg, holding onto the last few minutes of whatever they believe is left of the relationship. the begging of “don’t fall” is at odds with the previous verse about a leaf already fallen -- perhaps the chorus is coming from a more desperate state, or a moment before the inevitable happened (the season changed, the leaves fell).

the post chorus brings in jin and continues with the same lament - the same desperate begging. “baby you, girl i can’t let you go / baby you, girl i can’t give up on you” the speaker is determined to hold onto the moment before the final fall. they are unwilling to let it all go -- hanging on to the last moments but also to the memories it seems. “like those falling dry leaves / this love, like dry leaves / never never fall / it’s fading.” at this point the chorus has progressed to where the leaves are fading and falling -- morphing into something that is no longer a leaf anymore. what is the speaker holding onto any more? just as memories too fade -- is there anything even left?

the next verse brings in namjoon, it plays off of the themes and tones in yoongi’s verse. it begins with the leaves already having fallen. there’s no more grasping onto what was, it’s much more about moving on and the ways the memory frames our ability to go forward. “like all the dry leaves fall / like all the things i thought would last forever are leaving / you are my fifth season” the speaker couldn’t imagine this happening -- a fifth season, there is no such thing. the leaves have fallen, despite him never imagining that it would occur, he’s dumbstruck. there’s a level of naivety here -- speaking to the things they thought would last forever -- which harkens back to the entire HYYH era theme. youth. learning growth. namjoon is speaking to new steps in life happening after finding out that what was familiar and comfortable is gone, and will not return as he is stepping into a fifth season and uncharted territory. “even if i try to see you, i can’t look / you’re still green to me / even if the heart doesn’t move, it moves by itself / lingering feelings hung out piece by piece like laundry” namjoon is charging here that he’s placing more emphasis on the past and the memories he holds rather than wanting to confront the reality that the other person has changed. they’re still green - young, fresh, healthy... he can’t help but still be in love because he cannot confront the fact that the other person has in fact changed. and at the same time all of this change and loss has made him raw, he cannot conceal his feelings even when doing mundane day to day things... his emotions hung out for all to see. “only crimson memories fall / from above me / even if my branch doesn’t shake / they constantly fall” the colors have changed from green to crimson, he is forgetting the hard times -- the memories that are rotten. the other memories, even if he keeps trying to hang onto them, they’re also going - being tainted by the dark and unhappy reality of things begin done. “right, my love must fall / in order to rise” he realizes, he need to cut the baggage, cut his false belief that things are still good, so that he can start a new season and try again. embrace his youth once again and heal. “even when you’re near, my two eyes / are far away, it’s happening / i’m being thrown away like this / inside my memories, i become young again” he emphasizes again that he cannot confront the reality of loss of this other person but realizes that it’s completely out of his control - he is the one being thrown. but he knows he can retreat to whatever space he needs to in order to cope or heal, he can hide inside his youth in his mind. he can stay there until he heals and can emerge once again.

the chorus the repeats again, but this time it moves into the beautifully delivered bridge by taehyung. he begins with his low and smooth range “why can’t i give up on you yet / i hold on to these faded memories” which calls directly to namjoon’s verse. the seasons are changing, but he cannot let go of the past. things are fading but they remain his refuge. “is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” he begins to realize that there’s an element to these emotions that might be toxic, that he wants but he knows he cannot have what he wants, or that he wants too much. he wishes he could retreat back to the summer, or the spring. turn back time and hide in those brighter moments.

the final verse is beautifully delivered with hoseok’s unique style. he offers an unexpected conclusion to the hopelessness of yoongi’s verse and the denial and dismissal in namjoon’s. “burn them brightly, woosh / it was all beautiful, right, our path / but they’ve all faded” hoseok remembers fondly the memories, reflects positively on the way that things had been going... but he recognizes that that path exists no more -- those leaves are dead and gone. he uses the word “burn” which is often what happens with dead leaves, they’re burning brightly those memories -- like they’re seared into his mind and heart. they’ll never leave his essence. “dry leaves come down like tears / the wind blows and everything grows apart all day” this line beautifully captures the mourning process and the confusion that follows -- the learning to unlearn and untangle your life from another person’s. to move away from something that was so permanent in your life and mind. “the rain is falling and you’re shattering / until the very last leaf, you you you” the weather references in this verse are fitting for the theme of seasons but they also take control away from the speaker - make reference to the fact that even as they speaker would like to, he cannot control his emotions just like he cannot control the situation and relationship coming to an end. the very last leaf -- he tried to hold on, he waited till the end, but finally the hope is gone.

the chorus repeats with some additional lines bracketing it by taehyung. ultimately the song leaves us with a feeling of being unsettled as things came to an ended. time passed by and things changed -- and end was inevitable. memories are what is left to hold onto. seasons change, just like we grow up or change. things in our lives will run their course, especially relationships. we learn from them, and even if we don’t want them to -- they leave scars... no matter how much we plead. but the reality is, we can retreat to whatever place in our mind or memory that we need to in order to repair ourselves to try again.

performance: the main video that is available online for autumn leaves is a performance from HYYH on tour. i cannot pinpoint the location of the filming, but it is the same as it was when i saw BTS live in 2016 in macau for HYYH the epilogue on tour. you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrM53Y9hHV0&ab_channel=lestwins1524

the performance is very much understated but beautiful. vocals and raps are delivered with more emotion than was captured in the recorded version. members do not perform any choreographed dances, but lights and graphics highlight each member as they come into focus to deliver their portion of the song. it’s beautiful and it’s just what was needed to portray the emotion and depth of the themes in autumn leaves.

in my own personal experience, seeing this song performed live was incredibly profound. the entire arena was silent. all eyes on bangtan and listening for each of the incredibly raw verses to be peformed. the crisp emotion laden in the vocal line choruses. the song is beautiful. it’s somber and mature. it exemplifies the drama of the HYYH era -- with lyrical and performance genius that is unparalleled. i’ve uploaded to this post my horrible video but i hope you enjoy ~~

tl;dr: autumn leaves might seem like another breakup song, but there’s more to it. it beautifully emphasizes the power of memory, time passage, and the desire to hold onto past versions of themselves. which for many listeners is far more profound than just a breakup -- there’s so many times when we need to leave behind moments in our lives, friends, family members... and while we want to hold onto something that is familiar, we can’t. they’re leaving, we are moving on... seasons come and go no matter how much we wish they’d just stay constant. dead leaves fall away, even when we’d wish the summer and spring would stay, they can’t. life is cyclical in nature. which harkens us back to the themes in spring day as well. the sun will always come out, the seasons will change... but we have to confront the fact that sometimes we will experience pain, loss, and change.

#bangtan #bts #lyrics #analysis #army #autumn leaves #bts army #hyyh #most beautiful part of life

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korejinnie · 5 years

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BTS ‘ON’ Official MV Theory Analysis

In the first scene, we see a battlefield of dead bodies and flags. This scene can refer to any battle or war in general. War is usually fought to gain independence and justice for one's country/homeland. In this case, battle represents death.

Like I said, fighting for justice and independence. Jin in the following scene is shown holding a dove with an arrow struck through it's body. This is similar to Jin in Fake Love, when he was holding the lantern filled with lily petals that turned to dust.

"Nothing gold can stay" - Robert Frost I believe this is BTS' way of saying, to really achieve higher goals or get to where they are now, they had to fight a really long time (like 100 years war), even if this meant sacrificing parts of themselves, their happiness. Nothing stays forever, nothing gold can stay. Happiness doesn't last forever. They must experience pain and misery in order to be reborn. You must die in order to be reborn into a better place and a more enhanced stage in life.

In the next scene, we see Jungkook running away from something or somewhere. His hands are bound by black thorns. The first thing that came into my mind was slavery. Slaves such as Harriet Tubman, when trying to escape from their slave owners had to risk their life in hopes of escaping to a new and better place. Escaping from slavery is not an easy task. In this case, you can imagine Jungkook as a slave, and his slave owner is his shadow. The thorns that bound his hands can also be a reference to Jesus' crown of thorns. Jesus sacrifice himself for the greater good of the people. After his crucifixion, he would eventually be reborn on Easter.

Come Prima = Like before

Death and Rebirth, again like before.

We see that Jungkook finally escaped out of the maze (maze runner) that's trapped all the boys in for so long. To put this scene as one of the first scenes of the MV, is to show the audience a preview of the ending when BTS finally escapes.

Next scene is a reference to Make It Right. The little blonde-haired girl represents ARMYs, and the boy represents BTS, as most of you may already know. However, the girl is wearing a blindfold. A reference to the movie Bird Box, signifying how BTS tries to protect us from the bad and the ugly of their journey. They only want to show us their best, and they only want to show us the beauty of the world. In Bird Box, the blindfold protects the main protagonists from a force that threatens their lives.

The next scene is a reference to Noah's Ark! Again, the idea of risking one's self in order to save the greater good. You may think BTS is noah, but I feel like BTS more or less represents the ship. The reason why BTS existed in the first place was because there was a reason for their existence and we are the reason. For Noah, he was given instructions from God and instructed to build a ship to save not only his family but also all the animals. BTS is the ship that carries us all. The ship in the MV seems deteriorated and filled with flaws, but with everyone, and all the members together, the ship will be fixed and complete.

In the next scene, Jin is holding the cage with the dead dove inside. But if you paid attention, you'll notice that the cage actually ended up moving a bit. This is signifying the rebirth of the dove. And also, why are there so many cages? Well, reason possibly being that BTS has tried many MANY times to free the dove successfully (escape successfully to freedom and independence), but failed, symbolizing how throughout their entire career, they've had to fail many times in order to get to where they are today.

Anyways, in the next scene, we see Jungkook fainting from running. Though Map of the Soul: 7 is not a part of BU, it still reminded me of this scene in BS&T where Jungkook threw up then fainted in the restroom:

All the trees are dead and Jungkook is lying on the floor with a black crow pecking at him.

Black Crow/Raven = Death

BTS is in the process of dying to be reborn.

Ok next scene is this scene, which feels like some type of Yoongi cult (lmao), but also reminded me of Handmaid's Tale (which idk if anyone thought of that). Again, the idea of being oppressed and confined in a controlled society. Controlled by Shadow.

SHE MAY BE BLIND BUT SHE CAN SEEEE

She is ARMY, ARMY may be protected by BTS, but we were always there, looking straight across towards the goal. We knew there was a way out, it was always there. We guide BTS towards their goal. The door is right there.

As Taehyung takes the blindfold off of the little girl, the door begins to open. This is BTS trusting us and unveiling their struggles and shadow side to us, believing that through this process, we will gain a better understanding of them, and together, this will help push and lead us towards a better future, together. Together, we are one, and we will be stronger than ever. Hit us with whatever you have, however many bullets you got. We don't care anymore, we will face whatever the future holds head ON.

It's also important to note that, one of the reasons the main protagonists in Maze Runner never tried to escape from the maze at the beginning of the story, was because they didn't know what lied ahead outside of the maze, and they didn't want to know because they're afraid. Now we are united as one. You see how Jin also brought the dove that he thought was once dead, but now revived with him. As they all gathered together, the dove was finally released and free. We are finally free.

Anddd now a reference to Lord of the Flies! In Lord of the Flies, "the conch represents civil discourse on the island, and only works as long as the boys all believe in its power and the necessity of the idea it symbolizes". The conch is a fragile and vulnerable object, which is the reason why the characters in Lord of the Flies would take such good care of the conch.

When Jungkook blows the conch, he is calling out to the rest of his members in order to alert them, which is what Ralph, one of the main protagonists of Lord of the Flies did, to alert his friends.

But what is Jungkook trying to alert his friends of?

The incoming explosion. The Shadow is coming, it's chasing after them. (Just like Pompeii)

This scene represents BTS getting ready to go head-on with their shadow. They're ready to fight for their freedom and independence.

The next scene shows Jungkook holding the conch, wearing a dark velvet red robe along with the rest of his members, just like how they did in Fake Love.

ON is the reverse of N.O.

NO = being trapped to conform

ON = liberation from being confined

In fake love, the boys were running away from their fears, but this time, they're facing their fears head-on. They're no longer afraid of their shadows because they have ARMYs. Instead of keeping their fears to themselves, they're now sharing it with us.

The fireballs from the volcano that blasts out can be seen as bullets. They are no longer afraid of whatever comes, no matter how many bullets that comes at us. We are bulletproof eternal, hence "We are Bulletproof: The Eternal".

After they've learned to face their fears and shadow head on, everything that was once dead now revives and is reborn. The trees that were once dead is now growing again, and the boys finally escape the maze they were once trapped in.

Now finally, we have the Lion King reference.

Circle of Life = Reincarnation

"What goes around comes around". Come Prima.

Just like before, they die then are reborn again.

Each white dove you see in this scene represents a member of BTS. The members continue to walk towards the top of the cliff. And in the next scene, we see Jungkook run straight towards the top of the cliff, smiling.

Again, though Map of the Soul: 7 is not a part of BU, i found a nice and interesting parallel between this scene in the MV and Prologue:

Jungkook runs towards the future, along with the rest of the members walking towards the future behind him, knowing that better and much greater things lie ahead. No longer are they afraid of what the future holds. They know, the future holds amazing things for us.

HYYH The Notes, Map of the Soul: 7

2 August, Year 22 - Yoongi

"If we are together, we can smile"

In the end, we can see that BTS are actually Divergents (referring to the book and movie “Divergent”) and that's why they're walking away. In No More Dream era, they were stuck without a dream, they were being confined into the different factions that society told them they should be put in.

Now they have a dream.

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milkygcf · 4 years

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lights down low;

//credits to @swugasweet for the gif//

Pairing | jjk x myg

Genre | angst, a lot of it, fluff at the end because i’m not that cruel, hyyh inspired because i want that yoonkook happy ending

Warnings | mentions/implied suicide, lots of fire, yoongi curses like once

Word Count | 2,087

Summary | ❝ after the fire, they find themselves beside the sea, waltzing under the light of the moon.❞

❝ au where yoonkook are dancing beside the sea to lights down low because they finally got their happy ending.❞

Author’s Note | i wrote this whole thing in a day ... granted it’s not that long, i’ve never typed something so fast in my life lol. if any of you would like, you can also find this fic on ao3, which is attached to this link. i hope you enjoy reading this piece!

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Fire.

The blaze of an inferno that alights in that damned motel room. And in the very middle of it - a tuft of pink hair. Jungkook knows him - he’s been familiar with him for long now. Fire dances around him, diligently stepping from one side to another, slowly closing in on a man whose fat tears trickle down his distorted face.

That’s all Jungkook sees when he drifts off into slumber.

The arduous screams and cries of the very same man he’d met in detention back in school. The very same man whose nimble fingers pranced along the monotonous keys of a brown piano that sent Jungkook into a reverie.

Ever since that very day, the same day glass shattered and voices rose, nothing has been dandy.

Jungkook wakes up with wet cheeks each night, his body profoundly aching for the hold of none other than Min Yoongi - his very first love.

His only leftover of him was the piece of cloth embracing the youth’s trembling shoulders - an old flannel, one Yoongi was quite fond of. It’s all he was able to retrieve from the ferocious wildfire that swallowed the soft tuft of pink locks.

Jungkook could hear the tender notes of a piano playing in the distance, slowly being drowned out by the bustling of the city that leaves him feeling hurtful. It’s the same tune Yoongi taught him at the music shop, on the brown piano comfortably set in the middle.

The floorboards beneath his feet are cold. They send shivers coursing through his spine and Jungkook whimpers. No longer does he feel that alleviating warmth spread through him at the brush of his first love’s lips against his skin - the only warmth that spread through him was the one caused by the fire. It made him anxious.

With dread clawing at his legs, a frown etching upon his lips, he visits the rooftop one last time.

The same rooftop where he counted the stars with Yoongi, the one in which they’d shown each other the authenticity of love.

The building’s eerily silent. It mocks him for his solitude, leaves him dreading quietly with himself. Jungkook’s skin tingles.

His body takes him up to the barren rooftop, where his eyes meet the dazzling lights of the city before him. It used to be so comforting, akin to the warm embrace his mother used to give him before he strolled off to school.

He missed those times, where jovial smiles were the only thing decorating his features. It’s silly, how things can change so quickly, too quickly, leaving you to wander in hopes of finding your path.

Whereas other souls find their lane, Jungkook’s perished. It no longer stood clearly before him, no longer brought him the most beautiful moments in life.

Instead, it brought him to this very rooftop, where he lets himself reminisce what’s left in his consciousness.

It’s quite chilly outside - the thin articles of clothing don’t do him justice at all. But Jungkook doesn’t mind, he’s grown used to the cold wrapping itself around his being, down to his very bones.

A smile braces his lips.

It’s beautiful - it’s utterly magnificent, how thrilling the world truly is. He wishes that one day, he’ll be able to experience it all, every nook and cranny of it.

He wishes that he could do that with Yoongi.

But alas, every beautiful moment in life comes to an end, leaving its victims fruitless.

His gaze catches the stars then. They shine rather splendidly on this particular night. They offer Jungkook the comfort he craves, the hand he wishes to hold when he’s overcome by those horrendous nightmares that visit him each night.

His feet pad closer to the edge.

He could see more of the city now, all the energy it emits from the citizens that don’t seem to know how to pause, how to just live in the moment and cherish that around it before it withers away like dead leaves.

Jungkook wonders if there’s someone that’s lonely out there, just like him.

If there’s someone whose heart aches incredibly at the loss of a loved one, whose heart can no longer bear the feeling of solitude. He can only wish them the best.

Right now, at this very moment, it’s him and the starry night.

The starry night and him.

He edges closer to the rim of the rooftop, lets himself plummet down onto the roughness of the building as a sigh escapes his chapped lips. His mind is cloudy - it's overcome by static.

That is, until he sees him.

Yoongi, in all his glory, reaching his hand out for Jungkook to take. He hesitates - he doesn't know if he's real or not. It must be a figment of his imagination. But he looks so real, so authentic. The way his brows furrow and his lips quirk in an insincere reassuring smile.

Although, it makes him think.

Anyone who falls in love with the likes of Yoongi, is an absolute fool. The man was indeed one of a kind, with that impeccable smile of his and those feline eyes. Ah - Yoongi was not a man of words, nor was he one to display his emotions so easily. However, his eyes told Jungkook everything he needed to know.

Those eyes - they held heaps upon heaps of ciphers within them. They were misty, barely definable, but Jungkook accelerated through. He basked in those secrets, and held them close to his heart.

He was a fool.

“Yoongi…”

Said man was beyond furious. Jungkook had to go around babbling things he knew were a sensitive topic for Yoongi. Albeit the youth having bright intentions, he wouldn’t hear it. His knuckles turn white at the deathly grip he has around his lighter.

“Just go. Piss off.”

Yoongi refused to hear anything else. He was flat out drunk, his breath reeking of alcohol, making Jungkook grimace. His fingers played with the lighter he always brought around with him. The brunet had reprimanded him countless times not to play with such things, but Yoongi was quite hard headed.

Jungkook hoped this would just be another childish squabble, one that they would easily see through once Yoongi regains his senses.

But that was the very last night Jungkook saw Yoongi.

There it is - the ache in his heart at the very memory of that dreadful night. Yoongi had gotten himself piss drunk, and Jungkook knew he shouldn’t have, but his tongue was too heavy not to say a word.

Yoongi had always been hard headed.

However, despite being hard headed, Yoongi was an angel. Beyond his austere exterior, he was a man with many passions, a man whose love for the world goes deeper than the word itself. Jungkook remembers the countless times they’d spent together by the sea, hand in hand, looking at each other as if they were more than just flesh and blood.

They’d whisper affectionate words, sit by the shore and tell the tides a tale of two. And as the moon shone down on them, they’d bask in each other’s touch.

Jungkook hoists himself off his seat, stumbling just the slightest bit. The wind seemed to pick up its energy then, and he takes the moment to breathe it all in. His arms spread out.

Maybe in his next life, he’ll be happy.

“Jungkook, wake up.”

He’s immediately jostled out of his sleep by the body lying comfortably beside him, concern written all over his face by the youth’s crys. His eyes are wide, akin to those of a deer caught in headlights. Sweat rolls off Jungkook’s forehead.

Yoongi shushes him softly, fingers carding through his tousled locks. It tended to calm the brunet down a lot. “It’s alright,” he mumbles, voice sultry yet gentle. “I’m right here. Everything’s alright.” He cradles the latter, his arms wrapping securely around his trembling shoulders.

It’s the reassurance Jungkook needed - the warmth emitting from Yoongi’s body, the skinship, the way he spoke with such gentleness it eased his tense muscles and bubbling anxiety.

“Yoongi…” Jungkook whispers, voice breaking.

“I’m here.”

He was.

There’s no more yelling, no more cursing because certain words shouldn’t have been said. No, they were finally at peace. Jungkook’s nightmares were just that - nightmares. Nothing more than a figment of all his fears combined into one atrocious dream.

Everything was okay now.

Jungkook buries himself into Yoongi, his arms snaking around the man almost as if he’d wither away and leave nothing behind. He lets his tears stain the fabric of Yoongi’s shirt, painting it in all his sorrows in return of solace.

Yoongi can only let him, his heart aching at the way Jungkook sobs loudly into his shoulder.

Perhaps a walk by the sea would calm his nerves down, bring a jovial smile to Jungkook’s lips. He’d always ramble on and on about how utterly fascinating the sea is, never once growing old and recording tales for future generations.

It was one of the many things he adored about him.

Once Jungkook pulls himself away, Yoongi takes the opportunity to wipe his tears. A chuckle leaves his lips at how frail the kid was. He desperately wishes that Jungkook will always find happiness whenever a frown seems to find his face.

“I love you, I love you so much, please don’t leave me, please don’t,” Jungkook’s words are all a jumble - it makes Yoongi laugh as he places a tender kiss atop of the latter’s head. “Promise I won’t kid. You can count on my words.”

He continues to trail kisses all around his face, leaving no spot unkissed. It’s until he reaches his lips, and he brings Jungkook closer until there’s no space left between their bodies. Yoongi kisses him like it’s his last day on earth, letting every emotion seep into it to make up for all the times he’s done Jungkook wrong.

Yoongi had always been unaware of what love feels like, what it looks like, but he understands it through Jungkook, through his little habits and the way his eyes sparkle whenever he puts his pearly whites on show.

He doesn’t deserve Jungkook - he knows he doesn’t.

The kid was something beyond divine - with a heart made out of pure gold, the pretty moles on his face that are the wonders of the world. With the way his eyes glistened delightedly as this cruel world.

“What do you say we take a stroll down the beach? Heard it’s really pretty tonight.”

Yoongi really did know the way to Jungkook’s heart.

That night, they visited the swaying of the sea. It’s peaceful, the only thing that could be heard being their feet buried into the sand and the gentle dancing of the waves as it kisses the shore. It calms Jungkook’s erratic heart.

“This is where we had our first date,” Yoongi comments, carding a hand through his raven locks. “You nerded out about the Marvel universe. Granted I didn’t understand a single fucking thing you were saying, but you were cute.”

His words spread red across Jungkook’s cheeks. He giggles quietly to himself, reminiscing the moment clearly. Yoongi’s incessant whining about not being fond of water was the highlight of that day.

It’s funny how they always find themselves going to the sea, leaving every remnant of them to rock alongside the waves.

Jungkook lets his arms snake around the elder’s neck as he lets out a satisfied sigh. His cheeks are no longer stained with tears - he no longer fears what his nightmares depict. Jungkook feels at peace.

Yoongi takes the opportunity to throw a song on, shoving his phone down beside them as he sets his arms upon Jungkook’s waist. The latter was a big sap - something Yoongi adored greatly, even if he thought it was icky. He loved occasions like these, basking in the feeling of being in love.

As the tune of the song slowly reverberates in the air, Jungkook hums along, melting in Yoongi’s touch around him.

They’re slow dancing, the moonlight shining onto them wonderfully, stripping them bare for this one night. Normally, it’s them against the world - them against all the wicked things that enslaves them. But on this particular night, there are no villainous hardships to strike tears. They swim in each other’s divinities.

There are no more fires to wreak havoc, leaving them in isolation.

And in this very moment, as they silently waltz under the moonlight, hearts beating as one, Jungkook lets a smile brace his lips.

He feels content.

#btscreatorscorner #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bts au #bts hyyh #yoonkook hyyh #yoonkook au #jeon jungkook x min yoongi #jungkook x yoongi #min yoongi #jeon jungkook #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim seokjin #kim namjoon #kim taehyung #hyyh #angst #fluff

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lokisasylum · 4 years

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Tagged by @utopiajeon

When did you first get into bts? I think I already answered this in another previous tag, but its between mid-late 2013s/beginning of 2014.

why or/and how did you get into bts: was in my final trimester of Grad, School, my brother had Spotify in the car and since we’re both into rock and Jrock he had one of the stations on (I think it was ONE OK ROCK or The GazettE Radio) and some Kpop song came on, it peaked my interest. Did some research when i came back home that weekend, began stanning some groups (T-ARA, Mblaq, B.A.P, Girls Generation, ect) and eventually I found baby bangtan and the rest is history ♥.

first bts song: I keep saying Boy In Luv, but I KNOW that the first vid i saw of them was We Are Bulletproof pt.2, which sparked my interest for them.

favorite bts song songs?: Prologue: Butterfly has my heart always, then followed closely by intro: NEVERMIND, I NEED U, RUN, Young Forever, BAEPSAE, Blood Sweat & Tears will always be my jam.

first official comeback: I think like many people my OFFICIAL comeback was WINGS era which was also the era that gave them their first Daesang.

favorite bts era: all of HYYH and WINGS.

bias(s): Our cute, lovely, sexy Park Jimin

bias wrecker: My KING Min Yoongi a.k.a Suga a.k.a. AGUST D

first concert: i haven't gone to one PHYSICALLY, but I saw their entire Wings Tour through Live Stream (bless all those Armys who stream the concerts for the poor mfs like myself)

do you own any merch: LY: Answer album, The Wings Trilogy Tour tshirt, BT21 merch, the stainless steel pendant with the debut date.

what member would you say you are most like? Personality wise i am both Jimin and Yoongi; I can be sweet, caring & selfless AND cynical while dragging you on the same breath (there’s no in between).

favourite bts lyrics:

I don’t give a shit, I don’t give a fuck. Like I always said hundreds of time every day, “Never mind me” I can have a taste of failure and frustration and bow my head We are still young and immature, we don't have any fear Moss surely grows on a stone that doesn’t roll If you can’t return, go straight through your mistakes and forget them all Never mind It’s not easy but engrave it onto your chest If you feel like you’re going to crash then step harder on the pedal, kid.

- Nevermind.

favourite music video: All from HYYH, Blood Sweat & Tears which is *chef kiss*, and Spring Day.

1 thing you love about bts: That they exist at the same time as me and they’re out here giving us a reason to stay alive.

and to finish off wholesomely, do you have a favourite bts group photo, if so share it here (if not, what is your fav concept photoshoot and share picture):

FUCK there’s SO MANY!! But--

#BTS #bts tag #bangtan

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adonis-koo · 5 years

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it’s so obvious i want you

Note: Angst, angst and even more angst, merry fucking Christmas kids. This is a Oneshot apart of my 8th!Member series. You can read it without having read the others but if you’d like to see how this hot ass mess started you can find the first Oneshot Here

Pairing: Various/Reader, Jungkook/Reader but not really?

Tags: Angst, mutual pining, miscommunication, hurt w/no comfort,

Plot: You thought for sure you could handle Jungkook being in a relationship, but now you’re not so sure.

Word count: 3161

Shifting in your seat the fact finally dawned on you, nothing could have ever prepared you for this. Even the brutal life of an idol was nothing compared to this moment that you had never been so ill equip to handle.

Most people, hell most of your friends would’ve laughed at the situation, but you couldn’t get over the hump of awkwardness or tension. It would be one thing if this was something you had constantly struggled with, but it wasn’t.

You were an extrovert out of the group, you loved talking to people and making new friends.

Anyone would’ve pegged you as charming, you just had that quality of putting people at ease. So naturally when it didn’t work on her, you knew you were in for trouble.

Her being Jungkook’s girlfriend, the word stabbed vehemently in the pit of your stomach, you had no right to feel the way you did. Sure you had a crush on him for over four years but still, it was just a crush. And he obviously never liked you back, why would he? Old wounds of self doubt began to fester again as unpleasant memories began to surface. Doing your best to swallow them back you gave a smile to Hyun, his girlfriend who sat next to him with arms hooked around his.

You never understood why she seemed so nervous around you, you were just...you, “Have fun at the gallery!” You gave a chirp, forcing another smile before quickly glancing back down at your notebook, not trusting your false happiness to hold any longer then a moment while looking at them.

Something of a mixture between envy and jealousy boiled underneath your skin, envy because you’d given anything to be Jungkook’s muse, and jealousy because you unrightfully felt like you already were before they had met. But you technically weren’t. Even if his broody stares would make you think differently it still didn’t change the fact.

It was only one time, you had been his first in bed and that was it. Was that a mistake? Should you have just confessed the morning after? You involuntarily shuddered at the idea, the thing about having sexual relations with any of your group members was the constant delicate balance of not falling into the pit of unrequited love.

That would inevitably ruin your relationship with any of them, and would eventually spiral out of control due to tension and the last thing you wanted was Bangtan to suffer because of your hormones.

Chewing your lip you closed your eyes briefly, fear had definitely been a factor in not confessing the morning after. Words had been left unsaid not only from you but from him as well and that’s why things were the way they were. But this wasn’t like Taehyung....or Jimin or- okay you know what? That was besides the point.

Anything that had descended between the other members and you was always mutually consented and while you did love them, it was never in a romantic way, the same would be said from them as well.

A lot of people would’ve assumed it would be hard to not look at them romantically while sleeping with them. But you never had that problem and neither did they, Jungkook though? You weren’t really sure, you had always just shoved your feelings into the back of your mind hoping they’d go away.

But you hadn’t fallen in love with him because of what had transpired last month in bed. No it had festered for a much longer time before that.

You already began feeling self conscious again, maybe it was for the best those words that lingered on the tip of your tongue were left unspoken. You weren’t sure you could handle rejection, you could take it, just not from him. Anyone but him.

“Thank you!” Hyun gave a nervous smile as she clung closer to Jungkook, “We will! Uh....- So what are you writing? If you don’t mind me asking!” She peered up slightly as if trying to make out the hastily written words you had strung together.

Looking down at the notebook you shrugged, not seeing the harm in telling her. It was better then the god awful silence while they waited to leave in time to catch the subway, “Well I’m working on my mixtape,” Your smile suddenly became sheepish as you glanced back down, “I’m not very good with song writing but...”

“That’s not true.”

Your lips parted as you glanced back up at Jungkook, who had stayed quiet up until this moment. His gaze focused on you, looking almost insulted at your own words as he continued, “You’ve written tons of songs,” he turned to Hyun as you furrowed your brows in confusion, “Namjoon helped cultivate her skill but all three of her songs turned into back to back MVs that made us so popular.”

Why was he boasting about you? Feeling your face turn slightly red you coughed, rubbing the back of your neck as you couldn’t help but mutter, “Actually we didn’t get popular until Wings...”

Unfortunately Jungkook had heard your words, looking vaguely annoyed as he replied, “Maybe but HYYH is one of the fan favorite eras, any ARMY would agree with me.”

Feeling like you were both fifteen again while bickering you rose an eyebrow, what was his deal? Were you never allowed to be self deprecating? Okay maybe that wasn’t the word you were looking for, humble was more along the lines of your feelings.

Yes you had begun writing for HYYH but Namjoon heavily helped and guided you during the process. Finally you replied suspiciously, “Yeah? And so was Wings.”

Too be fair Wings was your most iconic tour and the MAMA awards for it just about blew any other performances out of the water. Lots had happened during the Wings era, lots of it was unpleasant. But then again HYYH wasn’t all too pleasant for you either.

Your nose ended up wrinkling in thought, you hadn’t really been mentally sound in a long time come to think of it. Sure HYYH was when you started writing lyrics, but that was only because Namjoon guided you every step of the way. In fact, you’d go as far as giving him all the credit, he was a lyrical genius, you had only really helped with the process.

Yoongi was the other person that seemed to have hope in you as he’d let you sit in and watch him mix and make music for hours on end. The more fun out of the two in your opinion. Lyrics didn’t necessarily come easy to you, because how could you open up in a song to millions of people if you couldn’t even do it one on one, person to person?

Music though? Much easier, you just found a beat and layered it with another until something formed. Well it wasn’t that simple, it wasn’t even close to that simple but it helped to think of it like that so you wouldn’t overcomplicate the process.

Combining Namjoon and Yoongi’s cultivation and faith in you, you were technically equipped for the task of making your own mixtape. Not that you were obligated obviously, but seeing Hoseok work so hard on his gave you plenty of inspiration to work off of.

And Namjoon had just begun his next one which in turned he helped you get started on yours with basic pointers and advice.

Without realizing it you and Jungkook had been staring harshly at one another, and you felt it again. That tension between you both. Had it always been there?

No, no not even close. It use to be much more subdued when you thought back on it. Stolen glances and touches that would linger a moment longer then necessary, shared smiles and words that could’ve been took with a double meaning, or maybe you were just imagining it all...?

Noticing Hyun seemed to be tensing again you coughed before offering a wary smile as you spoke up, “Well regardless of my skill in writing I’m hoping to finish up soon. I’m on my fifth song right now, I haven’t started working on the music yet but that’s because I find it easier to work with a finished piece.”

You had begun to ramble, filling the silence. Atleast you were good at something. But still, you felt Jungkook’s intense gaze bore into you, his mouth parting occasionally as if wanting to say something only to close it again. You had almost wished he’d just spit it out.

“Oh! We’re going to be late,” Hyun looked at her phone noticing the time as she stood up pulling on Jungkook’s arm as she gave you another nervous smile, “Well it was nice talking to you Y/n! Goodbye.” She bowed slightly before dragging Jungkook off the couch. Watching him let out a silent sigh as he glanced back at you, his eyes had finally softened considerably.

His gaze would haunt you for the rest of the night as the door closed shut, leaving it to linger in nothing more then your memory.

It was filled with everything you had once hoped for but it only filled you with dread now.

It was full of want, it was the only way you could describe it. He looked like he wanted you to be the one pulling him out the door, like he wanted you to be the one holding his hand while you rambled away, like he wanted to run back to you, in that moment, had you not known any better, it looked like he wanted to confess.

But it had only been there for less then a moment before the door had shut. It had to have been your imagination right? The last thing you wanted was to get your hopes up, because at the end of the day, if he really liked you, he wouldn’t of been holding her hand, taking her out, would he?

The glimmer of hope in you chest had been stomped all the way back down to your stomach, forming a nauseating pit. Churning enough to make you close the notebook and pad all the way to Jimin’s room.

Nobody’s shoulder to cry on in Bangtan’s could rival Jimin’s. He had been buried under the covers of his bed with a book in hand, a hoody over his head and his thick rimmed glasses sticking out from there sheets. Glancing up at you as he spoke before faltering, “Y/n what are you....” frowning he set his book down as he sat up, gestured you to come lay down as the tears began to well in your eyes, “Come here.” Two words and you were home.

Collapsing into the bed you wrapped your arms around him burying your face into the crook of his neck as he scooped you up, pulling you beneath the covers as he cooed stroking your hair, “What happened? Was it her again?”

Just those words made you wrap your arms around him tightly, pressing your face against the crook of his neck in attempt to stop the tears that continued to stream. Why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt to see him holding her hand? To see him kissing her? To be plagued with hearing them on the other side of the wall at night?

It felt like a dagger was being twisted in your heart agonizingly slow, like it was just there to watch you be tormented. Wasn’t it obvious how much you wanted him?

That if he wanted you just as you thought he did, wouldn’t it just be easiest to be together without suffering anymore? But seeing him with her drowned out any of your desperation to cling onto some hope that maybe, just maybe Jungkook liked you too.

Your lips trembled parting to speak but your voice fell flat in refusal it let words escape, or maybe your mind just couldn’t trust your voice to form a sentence. If you admitted to how much you liked Jungkook verbally, the words, the emotions, everything would be cemented into your existence. And your life would only become even more hellish at the formal recognition of your feelings finally finalized and accepted. If you refused to speak the words you could atleast live in the denial that maybe you could get over it.

That maybe if you run from it long enough the throbbing pain in your chest would cease and maybe you’d live to see a day where it won’t hurt seeing him with someone else.

Fake it til you make it right? But those words only made your chest ache with a dull pain, what good was faking it if it never really went away?

Because it wasn’t going to? Was it? Jimin only gave a gentle hush as he continued to stroke your hair, coddling you close as you continued to cry. He was shield and sword, nobody would have run faster to your defense then Jimin. You weren’t the only one who struggled so severely during Wings.

Dare you say he had it even worse, but what hell you both endured you had endured it together, there was no one on this planet that could make you feel better the way Jimin could. So you focused on his warmth and slow heartbeat to ground you from the terrible, inevitable heartbreak you’d never admit to experiencing.

---

You had been too mopey, and it was showing. Usually you’d be down and out for a few hours maybe a day before you’d bounce back, never wanting to be stuck in such a useless negative cycle. Because you had learned hands on that when you got in a cycle of negativity it was like a web, the more you struggled the more difficult it became to get free.

Finishing up a long recording session it was nearing twelve at night and you had found yourself wedged between your elders. When in doubt you could always go to them for comfort. Hoseok being one of the more touchy feely members happily had his arms wrapped around you, coddling you against his chest though his attention was focused on the movie that played.

Yoongi was not so hands on as the other members, but he was a sucker for lounging when he had a rare free moment. His head had been laying on your lap, or what he could get of it atleast since your feet had been tucked beneath you, making your lap a little less accessible.

But he was a determined guy none the less, his hands laid sprawled across your thighs lazily and his eyes had been shut for well over a half an hour. You weakly smiled down at his figure, nobody could love sleeping as much as him. But then again you’d like to imagine it was because he could never get enough due to working himself so hard. Looking back up you had involuntarily froze again.

Was it really necessary to bring her to the dorms so much? It was great that Jungkook wanted all of the most important people in his life together but- another pang throbbed in your chest as you glanced back down towards the floor.

What you’d give to be in her position right now, coddled up in his lap hugging against him. Noticing you beginning to shift up Hoseok had let you out of his grasp as you maneuvered Yoongi’s head onto the couch. Hoseok frowned upon seeing your tired, and admittedly drained expression.

You knew they were getting worried but what could you do? You couldn’t just admit it, because if you admitted it, then you’d have to talk about it. And that was the last thing you wanted to do right now.

Abruptly standing as you became free of the cuddle cluster, “I’m gonna try and get some sleep, night guys.”

Jungkook pressed his lips together watching you barely acknowledge everyone before promptly walking away. You looked so tired, it was beginning to worry him...

Because even if you had never gotten much sleep to begin with, you never had dark circles under your eyes like you did now. You had even began to stumble during their rehearsals for choreography due to fatigue. And as one of the lead dancers yourself, one that was like a ball of energy it was highly uncharacteristic.

Jungkook felt a dull ache in his chest, wishing he could follow after you, not like he could do anything to relieve whatever you were going through, but he wanted to try regardless.

Anything to see the way your eyes always lit up when you smiled, but now he hasn’t seen either of those things. Atleast genuinely. Sighing he shifted, remembering his girlfriend who was on top of him.

What had he gotten himself into? Jungkook was positive he’d be able to forget you, the intoxicating feel of your touch, the way that smirk coiled onto your lips anytime you were being cheeky with him.

He thought for sure he could forget it with time. And someone like Hyun would make him forget that he ever even liked you in the first place. Except it wasn’t working, in fact, it was only making him want you that much more. He did like Hyun, just not romantically. Not like the way he knew for sure he felt for you.

She was such a sweetheart, she really did deserved someone better then him. Someone who could fully love her, and Jungkook just couldn’t do that.

He had attempted to bring it up of course, unable to live with the guilt of stringing her along, but Hyun said that it was fine and she was more then patient to wait. But someone couldn’t wait forever could they? More so Jungkook wasn’t sure if he wanted her too.

He let out a silent sigh, his gaze lingering in the direction you had disappeared, you had barely even looked in his direction. He knew you didn’t like him romantically, and you made it clear the morning after you had both slept together when Seokjin confronted you about it. But did you have to be so cold? You had barely even acknowledged his presence all week long.

Had he did something wrong? He had tried asking you about it but you only dismissed him, in result pushing him away. A nasty habit of yours that he had hoped you would’ve grown out of by now, but sometimes under stress he figured people just fell back into old habits. You were no exception apparently.

Still, it hurt being pushed away when he wanted nothing more then to hold you close. To tell you whatever you were going through that you’d be okay. He was surprised you were so blind for someone so perceptive.

Wasn’t it obvious how much he wanted you?

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bts-army-youniverse-blog · 5 years

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Whalien 52

Many others have discussed this song and done it well, but Imma use it to start our move into BTS' music and symbology. Because, to my mind, it's one of BTS' best songs ever and embodies everything that's so special about them. First, let's look at the lyrics. I'll write the translation out here and not repeat the refrain, for space purposes. I'm using Genius English Translations. I'll also indicate which rapper sings which part, so you know what they wrote, basically.

RM:

Yeah, the most lonely creature in the world

Eh, do you want to know my story?

I've never told this to anybody

Yeah, come on

Suga:

In the middle of the vast ocean

One whale speaks softly and lonelily

The fact that no matter how much they shout, it won't reach

Makes them so gravely lonely that they quietly shut their mouths

Of course i don't care what's the matter or what I've now become

When loneliness is the only thing that stays by my side

I've become completely alone. It's a lock that fills sadness

Someone says "Bastard, you've become a celebrity"

Oh fuck that! So what?! Nobody remains by my side and I'm fine on my own

These words that are easily said towards me quickly becomes a wall

Even loneliness turns into something you can see

Even if my breaths are blocked

Because I'm confined in that wall

Head towards the surface of water above

Hey oh, oh hey oh yeah

Chorus:

Lonely lonely lonely whale

Sing alone like this!

Will i ever shine so brightly like a remote island?

Lonely lonely lonely whale

Like this, try calling once again

Until this song that doesn't have a response

Reaches tomorrow

No more, no more baby

No more, no more

An endless signal will reach someday

Everywhere, even to the other side of the earth

No more, no more baby

No more, no more

Even the blind whales will be able to see me

Today i sing again

J-Hope:

The world will never know

How sad i am

My hurt is oil and water that can't mix

So only above the surface of the water do I

Breathe, and the interest ends

A child in the lonely ocean

I want to make it known too

My value, Everyday

I become sick with worry, the sticker always beneath my ear

Never end... Why is there no end and always hell?

As time goes by, it's a Neverland in a cold abyss!

But I always think, now

Even if i sleep a shrimp's sleep, my dreams are like that of a whale's

The upcoming big praise will make me dance everyday

Like me, Ye I'm swimmin'

Bridge:

I go towards my future

That blue beach and

Believe in my hertz

Hey oh, oh hey oh yeah

RM:

Mom said the sea is blue

She said to let out your voice as far as you can

But what do i do? It's so dark here and there are only different whales

speaking entirely different words!

I just can't hold it, ma! I want to say I love you

Alone, I look back at this music sheet that's like a rotating song

This ocean is too deep

Still, I'm lucky

(No one besides me knows of these tears.)

I'm a whalien.

Chorus to end

Wow, really strong moving lyrics. Just by reading, you can feel the pain and loneliness that they've experienced. Now add the music and voices. Even down to Adora's adlibs in the background, reminiscent of whale songs...

(Adora is a long-time producer with BigHit, in case you were unaware.) And the way they use the "radio sound" to make RM's voice sound further away. And lonelier. The credits for writing this are Kim Namjoon, Min Yunki, Jung Hoseok, Brother(?) Su, PDogg, Hitman Bang and Slow Rabbit. They are the dream team, when it comes to some of BTS' best songs.

Then you figure out that the basis of the song is the 52-hertz Whale, the loneliest whale in the world. The story goes, a scientist discovered a lone whale in the Pacific who sang at the frequency of 52 hz. And whales can only hear up to about 40hz. So none could ever hear it sing. But it sang its song throughout the ocean, nonetheless.

What genius! Why aren't there more songs about this?!? Isn't it the perfect basis for a song? Then, they added alien to the word! The very spirit of feeling disassociated, unfamiliar, remote... unheard. The incredible word play that BTS is known for, on full display. How could you not love this song? It's not a trite boyband love song, but rather, a scream from the soul, much like whale song. Reaching out to those around the world who can "hear" this level of loneliness and want. And doing what BTS has always done... Letting the listener know they can "hear" you, too. And they share your fears. And they're in this with the rest of the world. But we are together. Our lonely songs in the dark aren't in vain. They will be rewarded with time, as in all else. Keep singing, no matter who hears, because your song is also valid and necessary in the world.

So, if you haven't heard this song, it's off of their HYYH (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life) pt 2 album. Released all the way back in November, 2015. Go listen immediately. It's obviously one of my favorite songs in the world. And I would love to share it with everyone. Even while we're all singing our own songs. ❄👸

PS: if you have any questions about how we interpreted something, or just want to relate interpretations of your own, feel free to let us know. Here or on our Instagram page 🙏

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today-we-will-survive · 6 years

Text

Epilogue: Young Forever

written by @dimpled-gukkie

A story based on the fictional HYYH world about six boys with unimaginable problems and their friend that can’t do anything to help.

Genre: fluff

Warning: warnings are posted in my masterlist

Word Count: 1.9K

Parts can be found on my Masterlist under “The Most Beautiful Moment In Life”

A/N: Please go leave some comments or anon asks about this series. She worked really hard on these and I know it would make her day :)

Three Years Later.

Jin climbs the steps of the apartment building, slowly making his way to the fourth floor. He can already hear voices seeping through the thin apartment walls and into the hallway, filling the fourth floor with the comforting voices of his best friends. Before he can even put the key in the door to his apartment, the one directly across opens.

“Hyung!”

Jin nearly falls over as a newfound weight lands on his back, a small set of hands wrapped around his shoulders. “We missed you so much, we’re starving!”

Jin huffs before pulling the hands away from him and opening his door. “What do you say?” His voice is teasing, the tone you use when trying to coax a child into using manners.

“Please!” Jimin whines while smiling so wide that his eyes are basically closed, smushed by his chubby cheeks. Jin has to resist the urge to pinch them, happy to see that they are no longer hollow like they were a few years back.

He pretends to ponder his answer before “reluctantly” sighing and swinging his door wide open. “I guess I can make you something.”

In reality, Jin knows that if he doesn’t make food for the group, they’ll most likely starve or order pizza for every meal. The rest seem to lose all brain cells when in the kitchen if the many near disasters are anything to go by. Jin distinctly remembers the time Namjoon not only burned one of his favorite pans but Jungkook also managed to get potatoes stuck to a plate and defied all laws of gravity.

“Jin Hyung is making dinner!” Jimin yells into the hallway beckoning the rest of their friends to Jin’s small apartment. The first to rush out are Taehyung and Jungkook, which is no surprise as they both never stop eating. Pausing in the doorway, Jin waits for the rest to arrive before sighing as the other two apartments on the floor remain occupied.

“Are Hobi and Yoongi still working on their mixtapes?” Jin asks as he begins pulling pots and pans out of the cupboards. As a college student struggling to not accumulate student loan debt, all he has to make is an unhealthy amount of ramen. Jin proceeds to pick through his numerous flavors of packaged noodles when the door opens. Before Jimin can open his mouth to answer, Yoongi enters.

“Wow, Jin hyung. Look at you, you’re a true college student.” Jungkook snickers nearly earning him a whack on the back of the head.

“Yah! You should be nice to the one who’s making you food.” Jin chides before pouring water into the pot. He can hear Jimin softly scolding Jungkook to be nicer to his hyung and smiles. Jiminie has always been such a sweetheart.

“How’s the mixtape going?” Jin asks Yoongi while filling the pot with water. He glances in Yoongi’s direction while turning off the faucet to make sure that the boy is actually taking care of himself. Yoongi had a habit of throwing his health aside for his music, but hopefully with Hoseok working alongside him, he will take care of himself.

To Jin’s relief no dark under-eye circles contrast Yoongi’s pale skin, a result of not venturing outside for five years. Yoongi only begins to answer when Jin is once again facing the stove.

“It’s going. I’m not sure that it’s where I want it to be though. It feels incomplete.” The maknaes fall silent listening to their hyung’s worry, not sure exactly how to help since they have no knowledge of music composition.

“Have you had Hobi listen to it yet?” Jin asks pouring salt into the pot of water and turning on the stove. The faster he can get the water boiling, the faster he can cook the noodles, which means the faster they can eat.

“Yeah, he’s not quite sure either though. We just spent two hours listening to the tracks on repeat to try and see what’s off.”

“Maybe you need another voice on your track, hyung? I would gladly volunteer.” Taehyung smiles. Ever since Hoseok and Yoongi created Cypher Records, Taehyung who’s their biggest fan, has been asking to be on a song every time it’s brought up. Secretly, the duo have planned a song out just for Taehyung to feature on, but it’s a gift for his birthday.

“Have you thought about asking Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook pipes up, munching on dry ramen. They all turn to face him, giving him questioning stares at his choice of a snack. He shrugs.

“I guess I could ask Namjoon. Maybe having someone not directly involved in composition would help.”

Jungkook smiles wide, bunny grin on display from the pride of helping a hyung. A few years ago, after Hoseok and Yoongi had begun creating their record label, Namjoon quit his janitorial job in favor of running the business side of the label. Since he’s the only member of the group who’s held a real job, Yoongi and Hoseok thought that he would be best. Namjoon ran everything from promotions to contracts and anything in between. He was the one running the hustle, meanwhile Yoongi and Hoseok were the face of the company. Although some may hate being only known in the background, Namjoon is happiest there.

Namjoon and Hoseok enter at last, the final two of the group of seven. The boys cheer when they enter and pull two chairs over. They all sit huddled together in silence, the sound of boiling water filling the room. It’s a comfortable silence. The type you get after being with someone for so long, and Jin feels himself relax after a long day of classes. That is until Jungkook starts munching on another dry ramen packet.

“Yah! Can you just wait?” Jin yells exasperatedly. Jungkook pouts in response before slowly putting it down on the counter.

“He eats all the time, hyung. I don’t know why you’re surprised.” Jimin says, ruffling Jungkook’s hair affectionately.

“Yeah, ever since he started playing intramural sports he’s always hungry.” Tae laughs before taking a bite of the dry ramen. “Yuck! How are you eating this?”

“I’m hungry,” Jungkook mumbles. “I gotta feed these muscles.” Flexing his bicep, he gives it a slap for extra measure causing the boys to fall in a fit of giggles.

“Jungkook-ah put your muscles away, you’re scaring me.” Tae says. While Jungkook focused on becoming a muscle man, Taehyung has been more focused on eating the delicacies of life. Because of his new affinity for food, Tae and Jin have developed a stronger bond through their love of trying new dishes. Although, Taehyung does make sure to eat a handful of strawberries a day; they remind him of his days with his aunt and sister on the strawberry farm after the trial.

“Alright, children, dinner is ready,” Jin says pulling dishes down from the cabinet. One by one, the boys pile noodles into their bowls before settling around the living room. There’s only a small table in the kitchen that seats four, so they sit in a circle sprawled across the floor and couch. They’re all silent, focusing only on eating after a long day of classes and work, until Jungkook starts slurping the remnants in his bowl.

“Did we adopt a toddler?” Jin remarks.

“We adopted two.” Namjoon pinches Jimin’s cheek that’s stuffed with noodles. Jimin’s eyes go wide and a blush paints itself across his cheeks as he turns his gaze away.

“I think if we’re being honest, we’re all just overgrown toddlers,” Yoongi adds.

The boys all scoff and he rolls his eyes. Yoongi likes to think he’s an adult. That he’s finally outgrown his childish fears and that he’s become more mature. But when he sits among his group of friends he still feels like he’s a teen, mind filled with wonder and the feeling that nothing’s impossible. It feels like everyday is Beach Day with the boys by his side. Like he’ll never have to be alone like he was back in Seoul.

“That would explain why I saw Jin throw his psychology textbook across the room yesterday and throw a tantrum,” Hoseok says.

“You don’t understand! I have to memorize all the Psychosocial Stages. There’s too many to remember,” Jin whines, glaring at the textbook lying on the coffee table.

“Have you ever thought about going back to creative writing? I feel like you were happier then,” Hoseok responds.

“No, I like psychology. It’s just a much harder subject. I think with psych I’ll be able to actually help people. I can save them from what you all went through. I can almost make up for not being there.” The boys fall silent, each face more stoic than the next. Jin rubs his hands together nervously.

“We forgave you a long time ago. You don’t need to do this to pay us back.” Namjoon reaches over to give a comforting squeeze on Jin’s arm.

“I-I know. I want to do this, though. Besides, if you ever do need me again, I’ll be able to help.”

“Well we appreciate it, hyung.” Hoseok smiles. “On a less serious note, I’ve rented my mom’s old studio. I was thinking of holding dance lessons when I’m not helping Yoongi hyung in the studio.”

“I’ll take them!” Jimin yells. Ever since getting into college, Jimin has been trying to bulk himself up. He wants to be able to defend himself and not have to rely on Jungkook and Taehyung to save him. He doesn’t want to have guard dogs anymore; he just wants them to be his friends.

“I’ll take them too!” Taehyung yells from the kitchen, digging around the fridge for the carton of strawberries he keeps hidden.

“How about we all take them? Hobi can get some practice in teaching unskilled students and we can learn how to dance. I’d like to not look like the inflatable long-limbed man outside of car dealerships.” Namjoon chuckles.

“Bold of you to assume I don’t know how to dance,” Jin says.

“Do you?” Namjoon retorts.

“Not the point.”

“Well if we’re mentioning new stuff we’re doing, I’ve decided to get into photography,” Taehyung says. “I’d like to capture the good moments of my life so I can forget the bad.”

Jungkook looks at Taehyung before quietly saying, “still getting the nightmares?”

Taehyung nods. “They’re not as frequent but every now and then I get them. They just stay with me a while. I think surrounding myself with physical copies of happy memories would help in keeping them from plaguing my mind.”

“Why don’t you take one right now?” Jimin suggests and Tae nods enthusiastically before dashing towards his apartment.

When he returns, a large camera is in his hand and he sets it on top of Jin’s psychology textbook. It’s so thick that it puts the camera at least two inches above the coffee table.

After about two minutes of Taehyung yelling: “move left, no my left!”, “you’re too far, you’re only half a body now”, “Jimin you can’t sit in the back no one can see you”, everyone fits the frame. Setting on the self timer, Taehyung launches himself across the laps of Jimin, Hoseok, and Yoongi who’re all sitting in front since they’re the smallest. They let out small huffs but still hug Taehyung to their bodies. The flash goes off and they all clamber back towards the camera to see the photo.

Thankfully, each boy is in frame and no one was accidentally decapitated. Staring at the photo, with the boys wrapped together in a tight hug, Jin feels warm. This right here is his family. It doesn’t matter that it’s not by blood or that they split apart at one moment, because Jin knows they’ll always fall back together. They’re like magnets, no matter how far they pull away, they’ll always reconnect eventually.

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pandi-art · 6 years

Text

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE B.U!

!UPDATED VERSION! THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE EXPLAINED.

(Updates are in the 2nd part (hyyh notes) in bold characters.)

Hi ! Long time no see. It's been 500 years since I posted my last theory. I'm coming back today with this brand new one. By gathering all the information we were given I realized the BU isn't that complicated and stuff start to make sense when you understand each of their characters and put everything in chronological order. So hold on to your wigs my dears.

This post will be divided in 3 parts :

Members profile

Hyyh notes (summary) and videos in chronological order

My conclusion (theory)

Sources for translated hyyh notes :

- https://docs.google.com/document/d/19wOFwTDQiD-DAxabwxlt4wV_Eq6Y6dKEihckWIwQm3g/mobilebasic

- @papercrowns (marked by this annotation*) + all the quoted notes from the update.

This is the story of 7 boys with different coping mechanisms. This is a story about how friendship grows over time. This is a story about the long path leading to self love.

I. MEMBERS PROFILE

Jungkook

Age: 17 (the youngest)

Family : - Mother / Alive

- Step-father / Alive

- Step-brother / Alive

- Not really close with family.

- Runs away often.

Use to get bullied by step-brother. « [...] my stepfather clearing his throat. My stepbrother continuously kicking me while laughing. My stepfather's relatives would look elsewhere or talk about meaningless things. As if I didn't exist, as if I was nothing. In front of them, my mother stood helplessly. »

Strengths : Strong composure ; in touch with his feelings and values ; true to himself ; brave ; attentive ; empathetic ; idealist.

Weaknesses: Habit of keeping his emotions for himself and depreciating his own struggles ; Stubborn ; Tendency of isolating himself in hard times ; Sensitive ; Trouble expressing feelings.

Fears: Losing the ones he loves ; Going back to the time when he didn't know his hyungs.

His place in the group dynamic. - « the 15 year old me who had nothing » (cf. Begin). His hyungs taught him what his parents failed to pass on. They're his second family. He's the youngest and is being treated as such. He's always there when his hyungs need him.

- Is closer with Yoongi because of their shared passion for music.

Interests : Music; drawing.

Analysis: Jungkook has trouble accepting the fact that the hyungs whom he looks up to so much are becoming very unstable. The feeling of « home » his hyungs gave him is compromised. He doesn't react well to that. In the notes he talks about having a nightmare « Yoongi hyung was standing on the bed. Flames shooting up from the edge of the sheet. In that moment my whole body became entangled in rage and fear that I couldn't hold back. I wasn't someone who spoke well. I was slow to express my feeling or to convince anyone else. Tears welled up and I coughed and words would not come out. As I ran into those flames the only words I could manage to spit out were, « We promised to go to the beach together. »*

He starts to adopt an attention seeking behavior. We might not have realized that, but Jungkook emphasized several times how for a big part of his life he was considered basically invisible (ex : his family ignoring him while his stepbrother was beating him). When he met the others, for the first time in his life he felt like he mattered. He was suddenly loved and important. Taking that away from him triggered buried emotions which he didn't know how to deal with.

« I finally fulfilled my wish. When I saw the hooligans on the street, I bumped into them and got a beating. As they beat me, I laughed. [...] I felt the tears coming and purposefully let myself cry »

The boy who rarely shows his emotions purposefully let himself cry out loud. He stands on top of buildings rising his hands like he's gonna jump. He shakes his hyung's shoulders as a cry for help. He gets himself beat up. He walks nonchalantly near the road... Would it really matter if a car comes too fast ?

« [ ...] holding out both of my hands for balance [...] That gave me an idea that I could die if I just took one more step. [...] No one would be sad if I was not around anyway »

Jungkook is crying for help in his own way. He wants to help his hyungs more than anybody. He wants to save the ones who saved him.

Taehyung

Age : 19

Family : - Father / Alive

- Older sister / Alive

- History of domestic violence.

Strengths : Observant, Naturally sociable, Curious, Enthusiastic, Imaginative.

Weaknesses : Impulsive ; Has difficulty focusing ; Poor practical skills ; Highly emotional ; Overthink things ; Can't stand being restrained by rules or higher authorities.

Fears : His father ; Becoming like his father. « in my body Dad's blood flows. Is there violence in me too? There is something that wants to burst out of my tightly prepared self-defense net. »

His place in the group dynamic : Taehyung doesn't mind being a follower, he doesn't need to ask that many questions, he has infinite trust towards his hyungs and if one of them jumped from a window and shouted from the ground to do the same with no reasons he would do it. He catches on things quickly, if one of them was hiding something he would notice it even though he won't say anything. He's more on the extroverted side, he's always down for new challenges and adventures that can involve going out of his comfort zone.

He looks up to Namjoon a lot, maybe because Namjoon seem to be more free-spirited, open-minded and confident about his thoughts.

Interests : Although being full of ideas and creativity, doesn't have any apparent hobby. Enjoys hanging out and playing with his friends the most.

Analysis: Taehyung is the kind of person who enjoys people's company and different stories. He couldn't count on his father for being the company he needed. All the advice and support he should've received from his father, he received from his hyungs which built this unique admiration towards them. He's stuck between wanting to make his hyungs proud and the need to evacuate his overflowing unexpressed frustration by acting up (vandalism etc...). By not respecting the law, he proves that no one can put chains around him, not even the police. He's seeking for the freedom his father took away from him.

Jimin

Age : 19

Family : - Mother / Alive

- Father(?) / Unknown

- Siblings(?) / Unknown

Strengths : Altruistic, Tolerant, Reliable, Clever.

Weaknesses : Too sensitive ; Low self-esteem ; Perfectionist ; Struggles to make tough decisions.

Fears : Letting people down

His place in the group dynamic : He gets along with everyone, not the type who would bring trouble to the group. He acts fine in order to up the mood of his friends, doesn't want them to worry.

Interests : Dance

Analysis : Jimin suffers from post traumatic disorder since an event that happened in an arboretum when he was a kid. (from Yoongi's notes) «I had been walking along with my head down [...] When I almost collided with someone, I lifted my head. Jimin was standing there as if frozen in place. The muscles in his face trembled as if had seen something terrifying. He was staring at a sign that said « Flowering Arboretum, 2.2km »

He often goes to the hospital to treat his illness because he sometimes get seizures. We don't exactly know what happened there but he briefly talked about in his notes. He was apparently on a school trip and decided to disobey the teacher and wander in the arboretum on his own. He got lost and it started raining. He was extremely scared. When Jimin talks about this experience, he refers it as him acting selfish. Probably meaning he got everyone worried because of his own selfish and immature behavior. He walked until he came across a storage space. We don't know what happened next.

After being treated at the hospital for the umpteenth time he chose to lie to his doctor by saying he didn't remember what happened at the arboretum. He was tired of fighting.

However two years later, he decided to face his fears by finally going to the arboretum. « I had to stop living in hiding in the hospital and stop having seizures. If I wanted to do that, I had to go to that place. » He goes to the bus stop every day but can't seem to ride the bus because he doesn't have enough courage. Until one day Yoongi appears and Jimin, on an impulse, asks him if he wants to come with him. We don't know what happened after that.

His ptsd is expressed through the symbolism of water (he was lost in the rain) in the hyyh videos. When will Jimin finally overcome his trauma ? What really happened in the arboretum ? Those are some of the questions we're left with, with no answers.

Hoseok

Age : 20

Family : - Mother / Unknown

- Father(?) / Unknown

- Orphan since he was 7 (Mother abandoned him in an amusement park)

Strengths : Strong sense of duty ; loyal ; warm ; good at connecting with others.

Weaknesses : Too critical on himself ; too selfless sometimes ; places importance on what is socially acceptable (very cautious).

Fears : Fear of abandonment.

His place in the group dynamic : He's the tension reliever. He doesn't miss any opportunity to have fun with his friends, he's also very loyal and always there for them. Considers Jimin like his little brother since the day they met. He has a soft spot for him and feels like he has to take care of him since he learned about his illness. (Jimin's notes) « It takes 2 hours walking from school to home. [...]just after the start of the new semester. Hyung approached me and stayed with me for 2 hours. In regards to the fact that our homes are not even in the same direction, I only found out a long time later. »

Interests : Dance

Analysis : Hoseok is a pretty bright person, and his main issues come from the fact that he was abandoned as a child by his own mother. His critical self has trouble accepting that hole he has in his heart, he doesn't know how to deal with negative emotions well. So he takes meds, thinking it will fix the sadness like it fixes a cold. Even though it doesn't, he still takes them just to put his mind at ease. « I take pills I don't even need and faint no matter the location. » (cf. Hoseok notes). He'd rather overdose on pills and faint than go through sad emotions. He tries to find joy in every little moments. This is his coping mechanism. Faking it until he cant feel sadness anymore. « even if I hate it I smile, and even when I'm sad I smile. »

Namjoon

Age : 20

Family : - Father / Alive

- Mother / Alive

- Younger sibling / Alive

His family have a very poor financial situation.

Strengths : Logical, open-minded, values harmony, passionate, self-aware, idealist

Weaknesses : His self-awareness can become the element that triggers a spiral of negative thoughts ; he isolates himself when he feels misunderstood ; habit of blaming himself

Fears : Growing up ; hurting people

His place in the group dynamic : Although there's something very pure about him, Namjoon has a very mature way of thinking compared to his peers. This is why the others come to him when they need advice or someone responsible.

Interests : Reading

Analysis : Namjoon has a sensitive soul and is full of different opinions about the world. He sees the corruptness, dishonesty and hollowness in adults and doesn't want to become like them. It doesn't mean he wants to behave like a kid either. Namjoon is idealistic and dreams about a world where his expectations wouldn't fall short unlike reality. In real life Namjoon is poor (mentioned it several times in the notes), his father is sick, his sibling often runs away from home and he lives in a container. He had to act like a grown up too soon and he hates that. His solitary self rebels by cutting all ties with the outside world and staying off the grid. The problem with that is that his friends might feel lonely in times when they need him the most, specially Taehyung...

Yoongi

Age : 21

Family : - Father / Alive

- Mother / Dead (passed away in a fire)

- Also implicitly mentions domestic abuse

Strengths: Independent, Hard-working, Determined, Confident (doesn't doubt his ideas and thoughts)

Weaknesses: Despises highly structured environments (following rules blindly, social conventions...) ; Is clueless about human relationships ; too careless sometimes

Fears: Losing someone (death) ; Himself

His place in the group dynamic : He seem to genuinely care for his friends and wants to help them (like helping Jungkook with music) but he 's more of an independent type of guy and likes to solve his own problems alone and do everything his way. It'd be great if he could listen to his peers more sometimes...

Interest : Music (he composes songs)

Analysis : Yoongi's house burned down when he was 15, his mother was in the house and died. Their piano burned down too. Yoongi refers to that piano « that will never make a sound again » several times, we also see it in numerous videos. I think it represents his love for music that died the same day his mom did. It looks like his father isn't really supportive of him pursuing an artistic career. However Yoongi mentioned in his notes that his mother used to play the piano. So in my opinion, his mother was the only one encouraging him, cheering for him and hoping he'll succeed with his music. After she passed away, Yoongi probably gave up and lost his passion. Now this is where I think Jungkook played an important role. It is very possible that Jungkook's love for music may have ignited that passion back in Yoongi and made him start playing piano again. (more details in the notes summary)

Seokjin

Age : 22

Family : - Father / Alive

- Mother / Unknown

- Siblings / Unknown

his family seem to be somewhat wealthy (they can afford traveling and sending Jin overseas to study)

Strengths : Great analyst, imaginative, enthusiastic, objective, straight-forward.

Weaknesses : Very private, absent-minded, condescending

Fears : Living with regret for the rest of his life

His place in the group dynamic : The older brother. They all became very close overtime which surprised Jin who never experienced a friendship like this. He was pretty lonely most of his life and he suddenly had 6 younger brothers who he deeply cared about. He's the one who drives them around and sometimes pay for their meals.

Interests : Photography ; filmography

Analysis : When Jin first arrived in the school and didn't know anyone, he had an interesting conversation with the principal that sounded to this day still very mysterious to me. Some of the principal's words were « School in general is a dangerous place, we need order and control. Don't you think so as well ? ». « I trust that you'll do well » he says to a very nervous Jin who was looking down at the principal's shoes. Jin's father standing behind him also spoke to the principal « I am leaving him in your hands ». Now if you think about what you just read and couple that with the red bullet vcr (which is surprisingly pretty canon to the hyyh notes) you'll noticed that something suspicious is going on here. In the vcr Jin is wearing an earpiece, listening to what the principal is saying. The earpiece also appears in the red bullet concert poster and the short film Awake. It's a recurrent object linked to Jin's character. So my crazy theory is... That Jin is the principal's spy. Ok maybe « spy » isn't exactly the correct word but something shady is going between Jin's father and the principal and I'm pretty sure corruptness is involved. So Jin, after arriving at this new school, follows the footsteps of his father (we'll learn later that his father was in the same school and also sacrificed his friends for what exactly ? We don't know yet) and becomes this « spy » that will denounce every student (or maybe just a particular group of student... ) who don't follow the rules. Of course as he becomes close with the « delinquents » he learns true friendship and what it's like to be free and careless and as a result regrets his acts (he betrayed them a few times) and starts to dislike himself for being this corrupted person.

II. HYYH NOTES AND VIDEOS IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER.

Each year represent Seokjin's age.

The updates are in bold characters! I also had to modify some of the old notes as my interpretation of them changed after reading the new ones.The modified one are in bold too. (Credit to @papercrowns for the quoted new notes)

YEAR 10

23 July 10

Hoseok – His mother brings him to an amusement park, tells him to close his eyes and count to 10. When he opens his eyes she's not there anymore. She abandoned him. Hoseok becomes traumatized every time someone asks him to count, he can't count passed 9. His ptsd (post-traumatic disorder) starts to show itself in the form of narcolepsy. He collapses every time he thinks about his mother.

29 December 10

Taehyung – He finds his father in the living room, he can't remember when he last saw him so he runs to his embrace, but his father who reeked of alcohol curses at him and slaps him. He hits him several times and throws him against the wall. « Although his bloodshot eyes were scary, I couldn't cry because I was too scared. That was not my dad. No, he was, but it didn't feel like him. »

YEAR 11

6 April 11

Jimin – gets lost in the arboretum. Start of his trauma.

YEAR 16

Yoongi – House burns down with his mother still inside. She passes away that day.

YEAR 19

2 March 19

Seokjin – Comes back from the US and transfers to a new school. Has a mysterious conversation with the principal and his father.

12 June 19

Yoongi – They all ditch school and don't know where to go. Namjoon suggests the beach since it's a hot day. They all agree excitedly and decide to walk there since they don't have enough money to take the bus. They seem to be having a good time, they joke around a lot. Yoongi notices Jimin who suddenly stops with a terrified look on his face at a sign that says «Flowering Arboretum, 2.2 km ».

28 May 19

Jungkook - he asks his hyungs what their dreams are because he has to write a paper on future hopes. They all tell him their dreams and it matches with each of their personality and situation. Jungkook however doesn't know what he wants to become.

25 June 19

Seokjin – “I thought often, that a photo could never capture what the eyes can”. Seokjin is in the storage classroom reading the scribbling written on the walls. He wonders what kind of people were coming to this classroom before. At one point he wonders « And would there have been someone like me ? Someone who told the principal all about their friends.

30 August 19

Jimin – He thinks about how he has transferred schools so many times and how he's frequently admitted to the hospital. He feels lucky he found someone like Hoseok who was super nice to him since the beginning when he didn't know anybody at their school. Hoseok always stayed with him after school and they'd have fun. Jimin is scared because he wonders how long those good days will last.

YEAR 20

20 March 20

Taehyung – Catches Seokjin talking on the phone with the principal. Seokjin tells the principal everything Taehyung and Yoongi did the last few days (skipping class, climbing over walls and fighting other kids). Taehyung can't believe what he's hearing. He's shocked and confused, but thinks that Seokjin must have had a good reason. « Because hyung knew more than me, and was smarter and older ». He tries to forget it and acts like nothing happened. « I went into the classroom smiling foolishly [...] I wouldn't tell anyone else that I had overheard that conversation ».

15 May 20

Namjoon – he's moving away in two weeks. Goes to their warehouse classroom that they claimed as their secret base one last time. He doesn't know if he'll ever get the chance to come back. He doodles the words « You must survive » unconsciously on a piece of paper and then folds it into a ball and puts it in his pocket. Before leaving he fogs up the window with his breath and writes « We will meet again » hoping it's a promise between them.

25 June 20

Yoongi – Yoongi keeps a half-burned piano key he found in the ruins of his mother's room after the fire. He hasn't been to school for 10 days. He can't stand living in his house with his dad anymore. The house is silent all the time « to the point it becomes suffocating ». He hates living under his father's rules and predetermined time-table. He hates depending on him financially and always having to listen to his scoldings.

Jungkook – Two weeks ago, when the teacher discovered their secret classroom, there were only Jungkook and Yoongi there. Jungkook, who had skipped class again, was listening to Yoongi play the piano. Jungkook was so amazed by Yoongi playing the piano that he started having tears in his eyes. Suddenly, the door of the class violently opened and next thing he knew he was on the ground after being slapped very hard by his teacher. When he turned around his saw Yoongi sheltering him with his body and pushing the teacher back.

Today Jungkook is alone in the classroom, he just learned the news that Yoongi got expelled. He's sad and wonders if he got expelled because of him. « If it wasn't for me, hyung wouldn't have hit the teacher. If it wasn't for me, hyung would still be here playing the piano. »

12 July 20

Jin – it's the start of the summer vacation. Jin is leaving the school. He feels guilty about telling the principal about the storage classroom. He didn't know Jungkook and Yoongi would be in here at that time. No one knows he was the complicit. « As I passed the school gate, I thought of the first day I had come to this school. We had all been punished for tardiness together. We could laugh because of it. I had ruined these moments » .

15 September 20

Hoseok – Jimin's mother and Hoseok are in the emergency room after Jimin had a seizure at the bus stop. Jimin's mother is extremely worried and she keeps on checking if everything is well in the room. Hoseok is impressed and intimidated by Jimin's mom even though she seemed very warm. She keeps thanking Hoseok, but she obviously can only think about her son right now. « I suddenly felt an invisible line being drawn between Jimin's mother and myself. That line was sure and solid [...] It was a line that I could never surmount. » He thinks about how he lived in an orphanage for 10 years and how he'll never feel that motherly love.

28 September 20

Jimin – He's still in the hospital. He stopped counting the days. He lost hope and gave up on the idea of getting out. He's medicated and according to him it makes everything dull and boring. Today is the day he told his first lie. He told the doctor that he didn't remember a thing (about what happened in the arboretum probably). This is the beginning of his new « coping » mechanism = lying.

30 September 20

Jungkook – He stills goes to their secret classroom alone even though his hyungs don't go there anymore. « I suddenly realized : those days were gone and they would never return. » Him going back to that room even though the hyungs don't symbolizes how he's the most dedicated in terms of working hard to maintain their friendship. Jungkook's « coping » mechanism is his hyungs and this is why they mean so much to him and he wants to spend time with them. It's a healthier coping mechanism (seeking for mutual support ) compared to his hyungs.

YEAR 21

25 February 21

Hoseok – He's practicing a dance in a studio. He feels the best when he's dancing. He looks at himself in the mirror, he wants to grasp that moment and take the most of it « because it's a time where I can be myself ». He doesn't feel the need to wear a « mask » when he dances.

A year passes by without any news.

17 December 21

Namjoon – He takes the bus to go back to the school he left a year ago. He's tired of the same boring routine and wants to run away from poverty. His father is still pretty ill.

YEAR 22

2 March 22

Hoseok – He's talking about how he liked his part-time job at a fast-food restaurant because he likes being around people. « If I smiled brightly and spoke loudly and reacted cheerfully, even by force, I could eventually trick myself into believing I actually felt that way. »

Even though some days were difficult, he was able to endure it all because he had his friends by his side. But now that Seokjin transferred school without a word, Namjoon moved away, Yoongi cut ties with them since he got expelled, Taehyung whose whereabouts are always a mystery and Jimin who never came back to school after he was once again admitted to the hospital, Hoseok only really saw Jungkook sometimes outside with his school uniform, but he never visited the store.

29 March 22

Taehyung – He gets hit by the owner of the gas station for doing graffiti on his wall. He remembers how he started doing graffiti. How he felt relieved as if all his stress disappeared when he was doing it. He felt good seeing all the bright colors against the gray wall. All of his feelings were spread out on a wall. Even if it wasn't pretty, it was him. He was surprised when Namjoon suddenly joined him while smiling and handing him a spray can. Namjoon's presence instantly made him feel good.

7 April 22

Yoongi is drunk and wandering down the streets at night when he suddenly hears the sound of a piano. The melody is familiar and he knows oh so well where that sound comes from. He runs towards the music store. He sees through the window someone sitting in front of the piano, crying, their hands curled into fists. Although many years had passed Yoongi recognized Jungkook at once. He doesn't want to comfort him because he's not confident he can protect him so he'd rather not intervene. He doesn't want to hurt him. But before he can leave he hears « Hyung ». They're both seeing each other for the first time since Yoongi quit high school.

11 April 22

Seokjin – He dreams about Taehyung standing alone on the top of the observatory platform at the beach. « This happened on May 22. It was the past and the future. » I think Seokjin has the ability to have visions of the future. The things he sees may or may not happen. It all depends on him (or at least that's what he thinks). He has this vision that something's going to happen on May 22 and he's scared. « When I opened my eyes again it was today, April 11th ». It feels like he's traveling through time with his visions. In my opinion those are just bad thoughts and nightmare produced by stress. But for our unstable Seokjin it means more than that. (I go deeper on the theory of how he can't let go of the past later)

Seokjin - He goes alone to the beach they used to go 2 years ago. He remembers all the good times. Those times are shown in the Prologue video. (The first part where Taehyung is covered in blood happened way after the rest of the video when they all hang out at the beach) « Although we [...] had nothing and had no idea of what the future held, at least we were together ». While driving, he decides at the last minute to go to the gas station to see Namjoon. He decides he's going to fight for their friendship.

Namjoon - He has to deal with bad costumers who throw money out of their car. Someone picks up the money for him. It's Seokjin. Even though Seokjin knows all about his situation Namjoon still has trouble facing him because he feels embarrassed about his poverty and his cowardliness (as he says).

Jungkook – I NEED U scene where he gets beat up by the thugs (on purpose : « I finally fulfilled my wish »)

Jungkook - He is standing on the top of a building, one foot hanging in the air. He thinks about how everything would end if he took one more step. He closes his eyes and slowly lean forward. The fear suddenly went away. He was going leave this world without thinking about anything. But then, as he held his breath and was about to jump, his phone rang. It was Yoongi. Jungkook comes back to his senses.

Yoongi - Him and Jungkook go to meet the others in Namjoon's container. Hoseok who's also at Namjoon's is surprised when he sees that Yoongi showed up. It's been a really long time since they all saw Yoongi. Taehyung and Namjoon are also there. Yoongi notices how the atmosphere when they're together is still the same as if they were in their old classroom. « How long had it been since we met like this ? I couldn't remember. [...] This was a place I had come to for the first time, but my heart was at ease. »

28 April

Namjoon notices things aren't going very well for Taehyung lately. He's always at the police station and has bruises on his body. Namjoon doesn't want to push Taehyung to talk to him about his worries, he's waiting for Taehyung to say it himself.

Taehyung has a nightmare again, about Yoongi dying.

2 May 22

Yoongi – His room is slowing catching on fire. Yoongi thinks about his father and how he never understood him. He's having trouble breathing and starts feeling the heat but suddenly he hears Jungkook's voice shouting from nearby.

Jungkook – After saving Yoongi from the fire Jungkook is back in Namjoon's container. He can't tell what happened. « My whole body trembled, and I wanted to cry. But no tears came* » He remembers how he opened the door and how Yoongi was standing in the middle of the flames. Jungkook felt rage and fear. The only thing he was able to shout was « We promised to go to the beach together. »

Namjoon shakes Jungkook's shoulder and feels his forehead to see if he has a fever. « I had a throbbing headache and my throat hurt. * » But Jungkook feels relieved when he sees Namjoon taking care of him.

19 May 22

Jimin – He's out of the hospital. Decides he wants to face his fears so he plan on going to the Flowering Arboretum. He lets three buses pass by at the bus stop because he has trouble gathering the courage to go. Yoongi comes and sit next to him. He does some small talk until another bus comes by and Jimin asks him to come with him.

20 May 22

Taehyung breaks down and almost kills his father. « Instead of stabbing my father I had hit the floor with the alcohol bottle. The bottle had shattered and cut my hand »*. He couldn't take it anymore. The whole thing is like a blur to him, he didn't even notice his father leaving the room. But Taehyung is here in the room with a bandage on his hand and Hoseok is standing besides him wordlessly. « In my heart I killed him so many times I can't even begin to count them. I want to kill him. [...] I don't know what to do »* Taehyung stares down at Namjoon's phone number. He really wants to see him right now.

Hoseok goes to the police station with Taehyung for emotional support. He feels bad for him because he knows how much Taehyung has suffered.

22 May 22

Namjoon is walking down the beach alone while talking on the phone. « we're only a year apart. No, apparently someone said so. I'm his hyung. I know. But he can't be a young kid forever. Isn't time that he deal with it alone ? Got it. I get it. No I'm not getting mad. I'm sorry. »*

Taehyung sees Namjoon and hides himself so he won't see him. He overhears his phone conversation and gets very angry. He wants to hit him but contains himself. He's scared to become like his father. I'm still not sure to why Taehyung got so angry at what Namjoon said but I assume Namjoon was talking about Taehyung in his phone call and instead of being a friend Namjoon is basically saying that he's fed up of being the responsible one every time and cleaning up his mess so he'd would rather let Taehyung deal with his issues so he would maybe learn to think more before acting so carelessly.

Taehyung - « Hyung, is that all ? Isn't there something else you are hiding from us ? Taehyung and Jin get into a fight. Probably about Jin, the principal, and everything else he's hiding from the others. Namjoon tries to calm Taehyung down but Taehyung remembers the phone call he overheard and gets even more angry. He feels alone. « What's so special about being together ? What are we to each other. We're all alone in the end. » Seokjin hits Taehyung.

The same day (or night)

Jungkook describes like a weird dream where he sees the moon and he hears someone telling him « Living is more painful then dying. Do you still want to live? ». He also mentions how he can't open his eyes and how his body feels heavy and seems to float at the same time. It feels like he's losing consciousness.

12 May

Hoseok thinks he saw his mother passing by. He run towards her but when he finally calls her, the woman who turns around isn't his mom. Hoseok realizes that what he was doing was ridiculous, he doesn't even remember what his mother looks like. Jimin who was following him witnessed the whole scene.

15 May

Jimin - They all help Jimin escape the hospital. Hoseok takes Jimin, Namjoon is on the look out , Yoongi was distracting the nurse, and Taehyung and Jungkook were waiting for them near the elevator. Jimin dreamed about this moment for a long time. The time he'll finally get out of the hospital and meet his friends.

16 May

Jimin - After running out of the hospital Jimin is going to live at Hoseok’s house because he doesn’t want to see his parents. He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't stay in the hospital any longer.

25 May 22

Yoongi - Highlight Reel scene when he's playing piano with the girl and she takes his cigarette. Maybe seeing Jungkook again made him want to restart playing music.

31 May 22

Highlight Reel scene where Jimin is filming Hoseok dancing.

Hoseok – He's in the practice room with his friend. He'd known her for 10 years and they learned dancing together. While they're playing around he suddenly starts having a panic attack because he started thinking about his mother again.

5 June 22

Namjoon – Highlight Reel scene where he meets the girl handing flyers on the bridge.

8 June 22

Yoongi- He was thinking about how the girl took his lighter when he suddenly receives a text message that makes him smile. « I didn't know what was so great, but the me wearing a tight red colored t-shirt that had the word « Dream » on it was smiling like a fool ». I think he received a text from the girl, and maybe she was talking about something related to music, like a song he composed ?

13 June 22

Jin is remembering the last time they all went to the sea together. That night he had a fight with Taehyung (he probably confronted him about everything he's heard and wanted to know the reason behind his betrayal). Jin punched Taehyung (BST Japanese ver. Scene) and Taehyung ran out. While Jin is remembering that he wonders when he'll have the courage to face himself entirely and smile together with his friends like the photo of them at the sea he's keeping.

[ Some people think Euphoria is another timeline where Jin fixed everything but I don't think so. First of all Taehyung still has his bandage on his hand so the thing with his father still happened. I think this is just Seokjin imagining the best outcome, what would happen if they'll finally reunite and be happy together like before.]

He suddenly receives a message from Hoseok that says Jungkook got into a car accident the other night. « The other night » probably meaning May 22nd when Jungkook notes were weird and talked about losing consciousness and having hallucinations.

Coincidentally enough, an image of Jungkook getting hit by a car flashes on the screen just before the Euphoria video ends.

Yoongi immediately runs to the hospital after hearing the news but when he sees Jungkook « lying down with corpses like patients passing by » he can't even enter the room, he can't even look at Jungkook. This is triggering him and he feels like a voice inside his head is telling him that it's his fault. He's drunk and pushes away the girl who grabs his arm. He needs to be alone. He doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Yoongi is traumatized by what happened to his mother and is afraid the same thing will happen to Jungkook. This moment is well expressed in the First Love short film where a car crashes into the music shop and burns the piano. Jungkook's car accident triggers his memory of the burning piano ( = his mom passing away).

14 June 22

Jungkook – Highlight Reel scene where he's in a wheelchair and meets the girl in the hospital hallway.

18 June 22

Taehyung – Highlight Reel scene where he catches the girl trying to steal in the convenience store and buys her the stuff she wanted to steal.

25 June 22

Taehyung – They meet in the convenience store for the third time, this time she follows him when he gets out which makes Taehyung laughs because she's trying to be discreet but she's not at all. They interact for the first time.

30 June 22

Namjoon is in an elevator and the girl he met on the bridge suddenly enters. He notices that her hair is tied with a yellow rubber band. This might have reminded him of his poverty. I think he also sees something pure about this girl. He's seeing innocence, which is something he missed a lot. This is why he's so intrigued by her and wants to know her more but doesn't have the courage to interact with her.

3 July 22

Jimin is practicing really hard at the dance studio. He wants to impress Hoseok but he feels like he's nowhere near his level which frustrates him. He just wants to be recognized as a serious equal partner that can match Hoseok so he's being really hard on himself.

4 July 22

Jimin – While he was dancing with « noona from the dance club », he made a wrong movement and they both collided. Jimin injured himself. He's in the bathroom trying to clean the blood on his arm while shaking. He thinks about the Arboretum thing and realized he hasn't overcome it at all. After coming back to his senses he remembers his noona fell too. He runs after them under the rain with an umbrella but realizes it was useless because it's too late. He's completely disappointed in himself and thinks the only thing he's good at is leaving people behind and trembling at his own pain only.

Same day

Hoseok takes care of the girl and brings her to the hospital. While she's receiving aid he notices an airplane ticket in her bag. He realizes she got the audition she took for an overseas dance team. He acts like he didn't see anything because he doesn't have the courage to congratulate her. He feels broken inside. It feels like it's all happening over again. She's going to left him just like his mother did.

(From now on, each of their stories will follow the same pattern. The girls they met are going to leave them one by one.)

11 July 22

Seokjin – Highlight Reel scene where the girl drops her journal and he picks it up.

13 July 22

Namjoon – notices the girl with the yellow rubber band on the bus sitting in front of him, she's sleeping. He thinks about how they rode the same bus and went to the same library for 3 weeks. He finally decides he's not going to try anything. He leaves a hair band on top of her bag and exits the bus. « That was not a beginning nor an end. It was nothing to start with and there was no reason for it to be anything. So I thought it really didn't matter ».

16 July 22

Jungkook is still in the hospital. He's singing a song to himself. The song's lyrics and melody make him feel emotional.

17 July 22

Taehyung got super close with the convenience store girl within a month. They hung out often and shared a lot of good memories together. But today she's nowhere to be found. She drew a big « X » on all the graffiti they made together. It was like she drew an X on all of their memories. Taehyung is angry. He doesn't know why she did that. « Why ? Of course there were no response. I kept walking. We were alone again. Me and her. »

20 July 22

Namjoon is in a library. Seeing the books remind him of his time in high school. He wonders if he grew up since then. He wants to get back everything he had given up. (his friendships?)

26 July 22

Jungkook is healed. Highlight reel scene where he runs to give flowers to the girl but no one is in her room.

Jungkook thinks about all the good times he spent with the girl in the hospital. He remembers that the stories he told her were only stories about his hyungs. « I only existed inside my relationship with them. [...]There may come a day when they would no longer be at my side. » Jungkook slowly realizes that his friendship with his hyungs maybe isn't the healthiest there might be.

28 July 22

Jimin got used to practicing dance late at night. He notices how his skills improved as much as he practiced. He realizes that he's getting more and more confident with his dance. The fear of doing mistakes slowly disappears and he can finally have fun while dancing.

29 July 22

Yoongi – He mentions that he gave up on music several times but always ended up going back to playing it again. I think the day Jungkook had his accident he stopped playing the piano, however today he started wanting to play again. « I didn't want to run away. I wanted to complete the melody that had been made by the guitar and piano. »

3 August 22

Seokjin - All seven of them go back to their old secret classroom together. They accidentally find Seokjin's father's journal (well hidden). But he only wrote bad moments up until a point where he just completely stopped writing about his friends. His last page is covered in dark ink and it bled onto the next pages. Seokjin thinks it's like it was predicting his father's failures. It seems like it represents the beginning of him choosing corruption over his friends.

There are hidden letters behind the ink stains. Seokjin reads them (but doesn't tell us what they are). He's happy they got to go to the classroom because he thinks this is destiny and he had to find this notebook for a reason. He had to realize his mistakes and not reproduce what his father did, and also « find a map to his soul ». Which I think means forgive himself and learn to love himself.

11 August 22

Taehyung - He finds a message the girl wrote on the wall. It basically says that she didn't left because of him or because she thought he was a bad person.

The same day Taehyung decides to confront his father. He intervenes while his father was beating his older sister. Not by fighting back though. He tries to hold his father's arms down. He has a realization. «I'm not like my father. I'm going to protect our family. »

13 August 22

Hoseok – He broke his ankle so he can't dance. He watches Jimin and the girl dance in the practice room. By watching as a spectator he realizes that Jimin's « mistakes » he used to point out actually come together to give a unique feeling. Jimin's dance was different from his but it no case less good. Hoseok thinks it was actually really beautiful and heart-moving.

15 August 22

Seokjin – He finally finds a flower shop that sells smeraldos. He visited other shops but none of them did. He orders them for delivery because they haven't officially opened yet. The only reason he needs this specific flower is because he wants to make her happy. And he knows she loves this flower in particular.

30 August 22

Seokjin – While he gets ready for his date, he has a vision about the girl dying in front of his very own eyes. He's scared. His mood switches completely, he decides to go on his date with a casual outfit.

The follow-up (update) of the 30 August note is at the end of my theory. I decided to place it there because it just confirms what I wrote pretty well and it makes a good conclusion. Also it's the last note in chronological order.

----------------------------------

OKAY.

So now that we went over everything in chronological order (I can't believe it took 12 pages), it is now T time my children. And no, T doesn't stand for tea.

It stands for THEORY.

Seokjin's « girlfriend » tragically dies in front of his own eyes. It is all really similar to the original story of the smeraldo flower. I don't know if any of you heard of it but basically it's about a guy who hid himself in his castle because of his hideous looking appearance. One day, a woman appeared in his garden, she took a flower and left. It angered him in the beginning. The next day she did the same, and the day after, and the day after that too. He started becoming curious about the woman and began waiting for her each day. He then learned that the girl was actually selling the flowers to make a living. He desperately wanted to help her but he couldn't show himself, he was scared he'd terrify her. So he decided to create a flower that doesn't exist on this planet so the woman could sell them at an expensive price. When he finally made the flower he filled his garden with it. But the woman stopped coming. He waited for her everyday but she never came. He eventually found out that she had died.

Jin, who didn't love himself, decided to wait until he could buy the smeraldo flower. An exceptional flower that would impress her. Instead of meeting her with only his humble self. He didn't have the confidence. But in the end, it was all for nothing, because she died.

It's the same with his friends. Instead of being present and here for them, he waited because he didn't have confidence or felt like he didn't deserve their friendship. Which led to them getting into even more troubles and feeling more lonely.

The camera Seokjin carries all the time symbolizes his constant regret, his willingness to turn back time and the fact that he doesn't live in the present at all.

He wants to record the innocence and genuine moments because it's not something he's often exposed to in the world he lives in (higher social status, business like relationships with everyone his family knows). He wants to keep this forever. He keeps filming even during bad moments as if doesn't want to face reality and wants to make every moment good. His coping mechanism is denial. But because of his denial, he alienates himself from the others.

At the end of the prologue, when Yoongi doesn't appear next to him in the Polaroid, it symbolizes how he's slowly parting away from his friends who are left alone.

In the Highlight Reels, during the scene where Seokjin is choosing what he's going to wear to meet the girl, the date « 30 August » appears on the screen. When he changes he accidentally knocks down a vase of white lilies. White lilies symbolizes innocence and are often use in funerals. The camera pans on the fallen lilies. It's foreshadowing the girl's imminent death.

In the notes Seokjin says that after seeing the girl died he thought « If only I could turn back time ».

« IF » so I don't think he really does. Although I'm a fan of time traveling stories, I feel like all the « time traveling » stuff we got were in Seokjin's imagination.

Seokjin becomes obsessed with the idea of turning back time and finding the exact moment that triggered all the other bad events. He desperately wants to find a cause, a reason to each of their suffering. This is what the notes are in my opinion. It's a collection of logs, events and dates, and it's like Seokjin is investigating through them to find out what went wrong (so if he was giving the power to turn back time he would go to that time in particular). He's making up theories (if I did that instead, this would've happened) and looking for clues, just like us.

But our pain in life doesn't come from just one event. It's a series of happening, the way we perceive things, the way we grew up, our environment, our personality, SO much things are involved that it's impossible to just go back to one point in life and fix the life of 7 different people at once.

This is my interpretation on things of course and I think the message they're trying to convey is instead of regretting what happened in the past and making up scenarios of « what would've been better » like Jin did, we should own up to our mistakes and accept ourselves. Like he does in the intro Epiphany. The lyrics are saying that he should love himself and that he's perfectly imperfect.

In the last scene of the Highlight Reels, it looks like he goes back to the time he was choosing his clothes for his date. However this time he decides not to go on the date so instead of wearing his suit he wears a cap and a t-shirt, but he looks extremely unhappy. That shows that turning back time isn't the solution and doesn't equal happiness. The words Seokjin narrates just before this scene are « If we could turn back the clock, where should we go back to ? Once we reached that place, can all our mistakes and errors be undone ? Will happiness be ours to stay? ». The answer is in the next scene. By seeing Seokjin's expression, it's obviously no. Turning back the clock won't give you happiness.

In the Euphoria video which represents their ultimate « happy ending » and the goal they're working for, Seokjin who had his curtains closed because he didn't want to see the truth and face reality, finally decides to open them.

He witnesses that the world is burning outside of the safe cage he made for himself. He's scared at first, but then he smiles.

He's freeing himself from the prison he created, he's no longer trapped in his denial. And at the end of the video, he throws the camera into the water. He will no longer live with regret and chooses to finally start living in the present.

- END

30 August 22

Seokjin – He's on the date with the girl. After all this time he finally realizes that hiding behind a mask wasn't the solution. He decides he'll be himself from now on. He leaves his date after apologizing. « I went out on the street and took off my hat. As I swept my hair back, all the time I had spent trying hard to be someone else seemed to slip through my fingers ».

380 notes · View notes

bluemoonpunch · 6 years

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⭐ The Cosmic Alignment of Jung Hoseok - Oracle Reading

[The Cosmic Alignment of Jung Hoseok, born February 18, 1994 — Aquarius. The Cosmic Alignment reading is designed to showcase an individual’s personal energetic alignment with cosmic influences. It can be considered an Astrological Alignment reading as well. For this reading specifically, I use the Black Moon Astrology deck. This spread is an original design by me. This reading is being featured as part of the December BTS Overload year-end even.]

This reading was performed November 24, 2018.

Pre-Reading:

Note: So, I’ve been doing the solo readings for December over the last few days and I’ve noticed massive changes in their energy collectively. From what I can tell at this point the integration that I talked about in the original 2018/2019 Outlook reading has happened and that shift in the timeline was the result of it. The integration of the Higher Self is raising their vibration significantly and is speeding things up with what they are meant to be doing. This showed up in both Hoseok and Yoongi’s alignment readings so far.

As always with Hoseok’s energy, I had to “go around the back” to meet his energy. Just like with the previous readings I was feeling pressure in different areas of the body, and specifically for him, it was the chest. That made me think of Jimin since he’s ruling over the Heart Chakra of the Soul Body, so I used Jimin’s energy to get to Hoseok. That actually made it much easier to really settle in with him and feel into his energy.

Of course, he’s had a lot of issues since the Soul Body manipulation and healing process, but from what I could see, everything is just as it should be at this point. Jimin and Yoongi both have disconnected the majority of their energy lines from his energy center, but are both still anchoring him in a way.

Jimin is stabilizing and Yoongi is protecting Hoseok’s energy. For this specifically, I was feeling water swirling around the top of my head, literally like a Water helmet. Not only is this energetic protection, but it’s also stimulating the Crown Chakra for him as well, which again is what made me think that the integration is working its way from top to bottom, one person triggering the other to shift in vibration.

-full reading with photos under the cut-

With that stimulus, I was also feeling these pulses and I was seeing it as well. It was like red/orange lights that had a slow pulse to them. With this, there were heart palpitations and very hard thumping in the chest. Like the energy, his higher vibration is very noticeable to him in his body. He has extreme awareness of the body.

This makes sense to me considering that he is physically sensitive to cosmic shifts, so the fact that he can sense his own energetic shift within his own body lines up.

In addition to that, it’s very, very uncomfortable, and I saw that in Yoongi as well. The higher vibration makes it extremely uncomfortable to be in a physical body, it’s like your light body, your soul, whatever you want to call it, is getting more and more cramped inside as it vibrates faster and starts to expand.

His energy is expanding so much that it is radiating, not projecting, outside of his body, which is what I saw with Jin as well. It seems to be coming from all over so it’s not as controlled as Jin.

Reading that radiating energy was really interesting because it’s like it’s been completely reset, there’s absolutely no “scars” or any kind of evidence there anymore from his energy center being torn up with the Soul Body manipulation. It’s completely clear, very deep shades of orange, red, and yellow, So, it’s expansive energy, but again, it’s very uncomfortable inside the body.

Then I felt this very weird wave of energy that I’m still not too sure what it was or where it came from. I’d have to assume this is where and how the energy is radiating out of the body. It literally felt like parts of my skin all over were popping. They were tiny and sharp pains and they were just kind of happening all over at random times. My mind went to solar flares and how there’s just nonsense flying off the sun and all that sometimes, and that may be it as well. It’s just going quite quickly and his body isn’t adapting as fast as it needs too, so there are just these pockets in the physical vessel where that energy literally gets spit out and radiates around him. Very interesting.

I was also getting ringing in the ears, but not like the typical high pitched whining, it was like he’s literally hearing the frequency shifts of the planet, or he’s hearing the energy waves. People that are sensitive to energy shifts like that, which he is, will usually be able to hear those frequencies. It will be like ringing in the ears, but different tones, not just one continuous high pitched ringing. This can lead to headaches as well which was something I noticed with him before.

Actually, a lot of what he seems to have going on now is a lot like the ascension symptoms I was dealing with a couple of months back, and what I noticed Yoongi dealing with way before that. It’s just hitting Hoseok a lot harder now because more of those shifts need to happen in a shorter amount of time.

This was the first reading I did this time around with the solo readings where I was able to get in touch with one of their Guides. I haven’t been able to for a while and I assume that was because I was still hanging out on a lower timeline until recently.

I wasn’t really trying to speak to them or anything, I was just kind of working my way deeper because I was curious to see if his energy center was actually completely healed up, and I pretty much got pushed back and heard “new energy, new mind,” and was shown hands being held up over the Soul Body. Pretty much saying I can’t go inside the Soul Body to look, it’s being protected, it’s been sealed up through the Soul Body Healing, it can’t be touched anymore by any being of a frequency lower than what is being maintained within the body.

So, it was just a quick answer to my question that pretty much states, as any timeline shift would have it, the old shit doesn’t matter. None of what happened with the Soul Body in terms of manipulation or attack will have any effect on them anymore and everything is secure. Which confirms what I got before when I channeled all that stuff about the Soul Group and the Soul Body a few weeks ago.

It was stuff about how all the people that were predicting bad things happening to the guys and seeing them getting sick and all that was literally happening because they were picking up on past events and energy, then interpreting them as future events.

This occurs because pretty much that old timeline or the lower timelines (and yes, people can be on different collective timelines and still experience the same collective reality) are folding over onto themselves. That’s why a lot of people seem to be running into old problems. A lot of old emotions, anxieties, and fears are coming up for people now. They’re on a lower timeline and it’s folding over.

BTS experienced a timeline shift before as well and it was one that occurred during or right before they started to release HYYH, and just like before none of what happened before that time will affect them going further in terms of “karmic” energy or any energetic ties. That doesn’t mean there is no time before that, it doesn’t mean they forgot about it, it just means there are no energetic ties holding them to the past, especially in terms of what could make it difficult for them to progress and ascend.

While I had that Guide “on the line”, it was one I hadn’t spoken to before, I asked how planetary shifts affect him now because before it was a lot more heavy on him, it really affected his mental state. What I was shown was bricks being laid and then I was shown that Water helmet thing that I was feeling before. Pretty much it summed up to the planetary energies not really affecting him mentally anymore, because of his nice little water helmet keeping his mind clear, but it is still affecting him physically.

I then got another bit of audible something that came in and I tried to write it down, but it was going too fast. I kind of summarized it to, “expansion of the light body removed blocks and allowed for him to be more physically receptive to the energies being emitted to him. Hard resistance to these energies and mental rigidity made the emissions more forceful and therefore more taxing on the body and mental state. He is more fluid now, more receptive.”

So, basically, Hoseok has a lot going on, but it’s all good.

Pretty much exactly what I was being told is what came out here in this set where I focused on his core energy and how it is towards the energy of cosmic influences

It’s all building him up now as he’s being expanded and moving forwards quite quickly with his own soul progression. There’s a lot of very vibrant energy there with all that yellow, which I associate with the Sun, as well as mental clarity and projection. In a similar fashion to Jin, it’s like he’s becoming an embodiment of the Sun.

To explain that a bit more, blue and yellow are significant colors when I see them in readings whether they come in a channeled image or they show up a lot in the layout of cards. When blue comes around I think of a clear blue sky and expansion of the mind through a wide and unprejudiced perspective. It’s a lot of learning, a lot of understanding, and clarity. And with a clear blue sky comes the Sun. The Sun is that projection of knowledge. Once you understand something through the broad perspective and clarity of the blue sky, you are able to use the Sun to shine a light on it for other people, to project that knowledge and awareness to other people.

This goes into that thing about the higher vibration literally causing a domino effect of ascension. It happens to everyone, not just them. It’s why the energy waves are setting people off and forcing emotional and energetic purging to occur, it’s so that people can start cutting those ties of old timelines, raise their vibration, and get to the higher timelines together. At this point, it’s pretty much up to what you decided you wanted to do before this incarnation, but everything is in full swish so… it’s just kind of happening now.

Back to the cards.

Strength brought the image of the Lion that is on both the 4 of Swords and the King of Wands in the Linestrider deck to mind. They’re all Leo energy aside from the 4 of Swords, which just correlates through the lion, but those cards are what I associated Hoseok with. He’s always been presented in readings as the King of Wands.

A while back in Yoongi and Hoseok’s first relationship reading that I did before the Soul Body healing the King of Wands was presented as Hoseok’s energy being overloaded with Fire, which is what was happening to his energy center. It was a show of him being in a weakened state, but here it’s very much presented as being something that is strengthing him. Not the Fire energy, just the cosmic energy in general — it’s being used to represent external energy in general.

Strength, the cosmic energy, is dropping down into the 4 of Swords, so it’s like the cosmic energy that used to really break him down is now being used to help him feel physically rested while his inner workings, his energy, his light body raises its vibration. Those little pops on the skin may be coming from this as they’re allowing the body to release the excess energy in a way that doesn’t let it run off but allows it to accumulate outside. It’s almost like the physical body is being made more porous like it’s not going to hold the energy in and let him pop while it expands rapidly. It makes sense if you try to visualize it.

Then, while the cosmic energy is helping him to feel physically rested, and maybe mentally rested, you can see that energy expanding over into The Fool which is representing that light body, that integration of the Higher Self, fully emitting the Sun. It’s completely refreshed and brand new.

The 8 of Pentacles is also extending from the cosmic energy in Strength which shows that while this is occurring, things are also being built up towards the Chariot, to the very focused and streamlined progression of the soul towards soul purpose. I’ve forgotten already, but I think I got that for Jin as well.

It all falls down into The Empress and the 2 of Cups where the energy is fertile and growing. Just more of that expansion talk. The 2 of Cups is showing balancing in the emotional frame, which is that Water helmet thing that came from Yoongi, and the Empress is showing a very grounded and logical connection to spirituality.

The Empress was actually great to see as she is someone who is meant to be intuned with cosmic bodies, especially the Earth. This shows open receptibility and movement with cosmic shifts rather than the resistance he had before which made things much more difficult on both ends.

The Reading:

Most Prominent Cosmic Energy: Yod — Destiny

I mean, can we just…

See, it’s really going to be difficult for me to explain this because it has to do with a lot of stuff that I haven’t talked about on the blog and I don’t want every reading I do for December to be like… a lesson in ascension or something, but like… this is literally the shift.

It’s the ascension, it’s the same thing I had for Jin where everything is literally driving him towards soul purpose and right now all seven of them have, at this point, jumped timelines, are integrating their Higher Selves, are expanding their light bodies, and are on their shit.

Because they all have different jobs, and they all have different modes in the Soul Body and in the group, it’s like they all, just the same, have separate sources of drive towards that ascension process. Because Hoseok is so receptive to the cosmic energies, that is what is pushing him and if I’m not mistaken, he may be anchoring cosmic energies for the group as well. Again, all very difficult to explain, but it’s a thing that a lot of people, and I mean A LOT of people, are here to do for the ascension. Just anchoring in energy that helps raise the vibration of the collective.

But yeah, pretty much, the most prominent thing that is being directed towards Hoseok is the integration, the ascension, and the group’s collective purpose as a source of higher vibration for people that follow them and the general collective.

This is honestly freaking me out a little bit, but I’m so fucking excited for this shit to get rolling for the mass collective. It will be a fucking shitshow, I’m sure, but it’s going to be so out of this fucking world and beyond understanding, I love it.

Current State of Conscious Alignment: Leo — I Will

And there’s that Leo energy.

Quite literally the “I will” aspect is directly related to this newfound receptibility to this energy. That expanded consciousness has him more open on an unconscious, subconscious, and maybe even conscious level at this point where he’s literally just flowing with it. He’s very in line with what he’s meant to be doing.

Based on the opposition that Jimin and Yoongi both seemed to have in between prior lifetimes towards continuing to incarnate, this makes me wonder if Hoseok was ever against coming back in as a separate soul in order to aid in the ascension process. If that’s the case it would explain the resistance to it in this lifetime.

I think, just based on how Yoongi was coming off, they are unconsciously, on a soul level, becoming aware that their job is almost done and over with so they’re just like, yeah okay, we got this, let’s get it moving.

I’m getting confused now because I can’t remember what information came through in what reading, but I think it was in Jin’s reading where I talked about him because aware of this on a conscious level to an extent. Like, he’s very aware that there is something happening, something is shifting, things are changing, and he has enough inner connection to know that he needs to go with it, but it’s not like blaring clear to him.

That’s what’s happening here with Hoseok as well, and I imagine before they start talking about it on a conscious level, all of them are going to have to be at this stage where they know, but they don’t know what they know.

Hoseok is definitely in line with what’s happening with his cosmic influences though, which is fantastic for him. Hoseok, Kook, and Taehyung always had me a bit more worried in terms of how difficult it was going to be for them to start that internal shift, but I think if Hoseok can do it, they can all get through it pretty smoothly.

How The Alignment Manifests: Lunar Eclipse — Change

I mean, it’s a bit obvious, innit.

Just in terms of internal transformation, it’s obvious, but it goes a bit all over the place. I was getting images for this one where the focus was more on the fact that the Earth moves in front of the Moon, it casts a shadow to where the Moon itself becomes invisible while the Sun and Earth have this sort of very clear and conscious connection without any distortion or distraction from the Moon, or the emotional side, the polluted spirit, the subconscious.

Basically, it looked like they were trying to explain to me that this is clearing out all of that mental stuff that he was dealing with or at least toning it down so that there are no energetic ties to those lower frequencies. It’s like the balance between Earth energy and Fire energy stabilizing the Water energy, all within his Air energy core.

Basically, with this and the image of the lunar eclipse, you have planetary bodies aligning and it’s sort of meant to be this “stars aligning” kind of thing where everything balances just right and everything suddenly just works. It’s like getting a key to a lock you’ve been filing away at for years.

The receptiveness here, the quieting down of the Moon/Water energy allows for the conscious mind to be presented with his inner knowing an inner connection without any blocks or resistance. Before, one of the biggest reasons he struggled so hard, and probably still does, with his anxiety and mood swings was that he would try to hide it and shove it down, which really cemented this unconscious need to put up these walls and blocks to feeling anything internally that could throw him off consciously.

Because the mental shifts are being toned down, those walls can come down, those defenses can be dropped and he will then be able to connect to himself on a conscious level. I hope that makes sense.

There’s just a lot of stuff happening mentally in terms of broadening the perspective. He’s pretty much getting the blue sky and the sun all at once, which as I mentioned can be pretty hard to deal with when it’s happening so fast. But he’s getting some cushion on all ends from the cosmic energies he’s working with.

How To Maintain Alignment: The Sun — Spirit

Again, this shit is just happening now. The whole ascension process for the collective pretty much got over the peak and it’s just all tipping over onto the other side and it’s just a matter of getting to the end and getting everything integrated entirely. This here, it goes with the Leo energy as well as the whole projection thing which I had for Jin as well.

The only thing he has to do, and the only thing he can do is integrate the Higher Self. You can see The Sun as being Leo’s Higher Self as it rules over the Sign. So this is saying that as he consciously becomes more aware of the shift occurring, all he needs to do is let it happen and not let any of those old blocks come springing back up. But I have no doubt in my mind that that is not going to happen whatsoever.

What Will Come From This:

Mercury Retrograde — Reinvention

Tenth House — The World

I got so wigged out by this because I had gotten this exact combination for a reading I did for myself a while back specifically regarding my Higher Self integration and my progression with the ascension and now I’m just like… wow okay sure.

IT’S THE FUCKING SHIFT.

If I had used another deck it would have been Death, Regeneration, or Rebirth I’m pretty sure. In terms of their collective soul purpose between the seven of them, this is relatively what they are moving towards. It’s the “cracking the egg” thing I talked about a lot, it’s broadening the awareness of the people that follow them, opening them up to the ascension. They’re not bringing the ascension to you, and you’re not just going to magically flip a switch by listening to their music or something, they’re just activating people, and it’s more towards the conscious level of awareness. Which is obvious, but you know…

Again, everything is pushing towards the collective purpose of the seven of them by way of expanding their light bodies and projecting those higher frequencies, however, I’m not sure how that works when there are massive amounts of people still sitting in that old timeline.

I think it’s like Jin’s thing where the frequencies and the vibrational shifts from them are only going to be put out to people that are receptive to them now, which means there would need to be a frequency match already. That doesn’t mean that the people in lower frequencies won’t shift or ascend as well, they’re just going to be getting it from their guides and higher self, and it will probably occur later, but pretty rapidly once those floodgates open. Very similar to what is happening with Hoseok right now.

He shifted because Yoongi and Namjoon did and now he has to integrate at a faster pace to keep up, which can be quite taxing on the body and mind for people who don’t have that extra support available to them as he does.

That’s all I have for this one, thank you so much for reading!

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smhtaehyung · 6 years

Text

when all daisies disappear🌼 || chapter 1

• masterlist

• Pairing: taehyung x OC (mental hospital au)

• Genre: angst, fluff, eventual smut, romance

• Word count: 2.6k

• Warning: swearing, will contain themes such as suicidal thoughts, depression and mentions of physical violence. Some of the backstory for Taehyung’s character is taken from the BTS concepts during the hyyh era. if you feel uncomfortable with the topic of mental illness, I advise you not to read further.

•••

chapter 1 ➸ 0 🌼

"It's healthy to reminisce about the past, Jia. It's damaging to live in it." I snapped out of my thoughts to hear my therapist's final sentence after a long speech that analysed my overthinking mentality again.

There I was, sitting right there, right in that chair, thinking to myself for the thousandth time...How did I manage to get myself stuck in here? All these people, therapists, medicine to make me feel 'better'. Sometimes, I feel like I want to be here. But I know that's mainly because I'm too scared to get out, back to people, so I end up acting out of fear, pushing people away. But I could never admit that to someone. Admit it to any therapist or any other patient because that's too weak. People can't feel better with the passage of time, waiting for a change to fall onto their heads from the sky. They can only outgrow their old selves and move on. But that's hard work. And no one really knows how to do that.

Truly getting better and moving on are two different things. They come along with each other, one after the other. So, all this doesn't matter. I could talk about this for hours and it still wouldn't do anything. All I can expect is to get sedated, shut down and forced to have a social interaction when all I want is a true rest. A rest without oversensitive roommates and the forced idea of becoming a "stable person". So why would I play nice?

"I'm not living in the past. I'm resting from it." I said, sighing at the clichè saying he spoke so wisely about. "But when you think about it too much and remember all the hurt, then you do live in it. Regardless of what you say." He spoke as I couldn't really listen anymore. "I want to go to my room." I cut him off before he could say anything and sighed. "We can't avoid the problem like thi-" He tried to speak but I cut him off again. "Please." I spoke, which was something I rarely said, to anyone.

"Alright. I'm going to let you off talk sessions for a few days, only if you need you can come-" He exhaled in a calm tone. "What is it now?" I cut him off, knowing there was something about to happen I'm not going to like so he could analyse me again about it in a few days. He always let me of the hook the easy way when he had his sessions planned for me. I've always thought he was doing that on purpose, regardless of what excuses he would make. He sighed and answered. "You're getting a new roommate today." He said, which made me sigh and roll my eyes. "I want to see if you're going to get along considering your previous roommates." Even though it annoyed me, I realised that was a very acceptable thing to hear from him. At our ward, most people go through one or two roommates during their stay. Not exactly the same with me. I went through 17 roommates since the beginning of the year. When I'm bored next time I should add it all up over the years. Who knows, there might be some sort of a reward for such a high score like that. All of those people wanted to switch to another roommate because of me. I never asked for another roommate. The nurses just kept setting me with them, not wanting me to have a room for myself, thinking that would make me more messed up about human interactions. I scared most of them away by joking quite aggressively, turning those jokes into insults most of the time. I was warned many times but because I’ve been here for a long time, they don't want to switch me to another hospital. That wouldn't help anyone. To say I've been staying here for a while is a big understatement. I've been in here before I even became a teen. I even got my first period in this ward. I lived through the beginning of my teens here, bringing us to now, almost at the end of my teens wondering why do I feel the same I did when I was a kid.

All these roommates spoke the same, describing me as this huge, dramatic bite they couldn't keep up with. Seeing their cried out or frustrated faces somehow made my life fun in here. Only fun for me though. I got up and left the room, without speaking. He knew that I was going to go to the reception desk just to complain about my brand new freshly fucked up roommate, like I always did. I walked down the hallway, pulling down my sleeves of my favourite brown cardigan. Jiyu noticed me on the way and walked with me. "Why me? Why again-" I tried to speak to my favourite nurse but she cut me off. "We talked about that a thousand times, Ji." She spoke, focused on some of the papers she held in her hands. "But-" I tried to speak but she cut me off again, in a busy tone. "The support group is about to start. They're all waiting for you." She said, making me roll my eyes.

"Don't scare him off immediately. He seems very nice." Jiyu said. She is the main nurse in our ward. She was always nice to me, but always told nice things about all my previous roommates so I really couldn't judge her perception to be somewhat realistic. Regardless of that, she's basically always been the only person that could make me smile just by seeing her.

"Ugh, It's a boy this time?" I asked and grunted. "Yes. He's very handsome." She giggled. "Jiyu! Don't make your husband jealous, complementing all these young boys in the pinnacle of their youth-." I joked, overreacting. "Shhh, hurry, they're all gathered together." She chuckled and I quickened my steps. I walked towards the interaction room we had for support groups, musical and art therapy. The chairs and two couches were put in a circle that had sitting 15 people without my presence. That is my group. Group A. Ages 18-21, me being one of the seniors, yet acting worst than the younger ones. 14 patients, all roommates, divided into our light green rooms in that long hallway on the left side. Some roommates get really close, like some two similarly fucked up friends, purely by luck of similarities they might find within each other. 14 fucked up people and of course, Sejun , also kind of fucked up, a psychologist that organized these groups and did art therapies.

"Hi Jia." Sejun and the others said. I saw an empty place on the two seated couch with my new roommate. It was a boy. Like an actual boy. He looked pretty young and had a childlike face because of his big eyes and plump lips. But his body was not of a teenage boy, yet a young man with large hands. I observed him for a second before sitting down. Usually, these roommates would look quite hopeful when seeing a potential "friend" or seem fucked up just because they were fucked up. It would make me pity them even more, such a pathetic sight. But this guy's first time meeting me facial expression was non existant. He looked at me the unusualy casual way, like he's meeting me for the second or third or a billionth time already. He didn't smile, he just glanced at me like that, making me wonder a little bit.

"Jia, meet Taehyung. He chose to be your roommate for the next month." Sejun said with the enthusiastic look on his face. The word chose stuck with me. For a brief second I felt sorry for the poor bastard because he probably doesn't know what he's in for.

"Yeah, a month." I quietly spoke in a sarcastic tone. I awkwardly sat next to him as he looked down, focused on something else. "So, Taehyung, we are glad to have you here and I hope this will help you in your further recovery. You won't get judged here so say anything that's on your mind." Sejun spoke carefully, trying to give off the casual tone. I rolled my eyes at the choice of the approach towards opening up. Sejun noticed but decided to ignore me. "Why don't you say something about yourself?" Sejun spoke. I crossed my arms and looked at Taehyung, slightly judging and analysing his moves and words. "Uhm, my name is Kim Taehyung. I switched from a different mental instituion that was in Seoul too, I'm-" He spoke in his presumably natural deep voice. "Why the switch?" I cut him off.

"Jia, don't interrupt and don't force people to answer questions they wouldn't be comfortable with-" Sejun said in a warning tone but Taehyung immediately spoke back, acting out a playful gesture. The switch of moods made me confused about him. Is he playing a character the entire time or is he actually real? "It's okay. Uhm, I've been there for a full year, but didn't like it because the ward we had was only ages 25 and me being the exception, I didn't really fit in there. They also thought I'd be a good idea to redirect me somewhere with people my age." He spoke, some words stumbling through the air. "I'm here because...uhm.." He tried to speak but he looked down, nervously tapping his foot, furrowing his eyebrows a little bit. "If you don't feel comfortable, you don't have to say it." Sejun spoke with compassion in his eyes.

"I'd rather keep that to myself for now, sorry." Taehyung said and looked back up, making his ears perk through his hair. "That’s perfectly fine for us. Are you into music or art?" He asked him curiously. "Both, actually." He said in a serious tone and licked his lips. “That’s wonderful. I hope you’re going to enjoy our schedule then.” Sejun’s voice screamed enthusiasm but Taehyung only coldly nodded. I stared at him in pure curiosity. Immediately there was something enigmatic about him. He carried a weird aura with him, something that came off quite unexplained. Sejun started talking individually with every patient while everyone carefully listened. It was my turn to speak about if anything new had happened in my life over the last week since our last session.

"Anything interesting happened?" Sejun asked in a suspicious tone, wanting to get a confession from me. "Nope." I brushed it off playfully, aiming for it to be rude. "Nothing? Not even something you regret or feel bad about?" He asked again, judging me with his gaze. "Never." I rudely said, scratching the back of my neck. "What are you looking at?" I asked, looked to my left where Minjee was. She was the incident Sejun was trying to touch upon. "Please Jia, don't be rude." Sejun tried to remain things calm. Minjee looked at me in a scared yet numbing gaze. I caught eye contact with Taehyung a few times, who was just blankly observing the situation. "Are you going to apologize for what you've done?" Sejun asked in a polite tone. "For what?" I asked, not being too bothered. "For stealing her ear muffs. Then letting worms creep upon her bare ears. Then for putting the ear puffs over your head, and making her reach it." He added in a shocked tone.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes in annoyance as other people comforted Minjee who was almost crying. She was known for that. Her ear muffs. She always wore them as a result of a trauma that happened to her a few years back. She passed out in a forest and woke up with worms and bugs crawling on her face and some entering her ears. One of our youngest and most famous PTSD patients, with such a hilariously disgusting experience. "You should hear yourself how ridiculous that sounds." I said in a provoking tone. "Are we children in the 2nd grade to apologize for such things?" I mocked. After a few moments of silence, before Sejun opened his mouth to speak, a voice filled the room. "Are you that childish to do such a thing, then?" Taehyung softly spoke, immediately leaving me in wonder and slight shock. He caught eye contact with me as everyone intensely stared at him, including Sejun.

"Let me ask you something Taekyun." I spoke, provocating the moment to the fullest extent. "It's Taehyung." He quietly corrected. "Huh." I scoffed. "Have you heard anything about me before getting here?" I asked in a cold tone. Sejun started to get nervous. "Some things here and there. They told me your past roommates described you as troubled." He spoke in an playful and unbothered way. "You heard that before or after choosing?" I provocatively asked. "Before." He spoke easily. "You're so fucki-" I tried to insult but Sejun stopped me before I could swear or say anything bad. I responded a few seconds later with a judging look towards Taehyung and Sejun. Taehyung shrugged his shoulders and spoke again. "I mean, how bad can you be?" He asked a retorical question in a positive reassurement. "Well, we're gonna find that out soon, right?" I chuckled in disbelief at how he thought it would be easy with me. I coldly turned around, ignoring his stare. The alarm clock rang as soon as I finished my retorical question.

I immediately stood up and quietly got scolded for not apologizing to Minjee. I annoyingly nodded and went past him, meeting Jiyu in the hallway. "He's cute, right?" She immediately asked. "You know I'm not going to agree on that." I scoffed. "Why?" She asked, this time annoyed too. "He's annoying me." I spoke back, crossing my arms. I saw Jiyu straightening her posture all of a sudden. "Would you like to show Taehyung around?" Jiyu showed her beautiful white smile, raising her voice a bit, switching the tone completely. I sensed Taehyung was near so I turned around and saw him waving at Jiyu. "Ugh." I groaned. He approached us, his hands behind his back. "I'd love it if you could show me around. " He said in a bright tone.

"C'mon." Jiyu winked unnoticabley, walking away. "Let's make it quick." I said and started walking down the hall. I showed him around the parts he hadn't seen yet. I showed the washroom, toilets and receptions for receiving the medicine. I showed him the cafeteria and explained the gross foods they keep on serving. I showed him the remains of the interaction room that had a ping pong table, a TV and canvases and tables on the other corner, where our art therapy is. He kept quiet the entire time, observing all the rooms. "This shithole tour ends here, for any further confused questions, which I'm sure there'll be plenty of, ask Jiyu, I don't care." I spoke and opened the door to our room, where his two bags were brought. He observed the room, looking up and down. My side of the room was the right side, close to the door. The walls on my side had my drawings and paintings stuck on, giving some life to the emotionless light green room.

Who is this foolish boy? Does a man like this even exist? Is this just a character play or is he actually real? How can I man that I know for such a little while, being that foolish, make me so intrigued? I feel frustrated by him already. More frustrated to the fact that hate doesn't feel like this.

part 2

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bangtanblurbs · 4 years

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love is not over

song: love is not over (full length edition)

first experience: what do we qualify as the first experience? the release in HYYH pt. 1 or the full length release on young forever? with almost a year in between the releases timing does bring about different memories for me.

the 2015 release of HYYH pt. 1 found me a few weeks after a rather terrifying trip to the emergency room with a diagnosis that would forever change my life - the way i live physically and emotionally. this album was the first album i experienced as ARMY. i found BTS through I NEED U, and quickly devoured the HYYH pt. 1 album in may. love is not over was a track that immediately stuck with me. i remember laying in the grass of my university quad, outside my dorm building, soaking in the sun - putting it on and smelling the spring air. it was tremendously comforting for me. i didn’t immediately look for a lyric translation, i didn’t feel like i needed it. i felt every emotion through the song without even knowing it’s true intended meaning. hindsight - i wish i had looked up those lyrics.

as for the full edition release in 2016, i was actually working in macau at time time as a researcher. i’d been there for about two weeks when young forever dropped. i have the funniest story about me running through the streets of hong kong, completely lost, in mad pursuit of the physical copy of the album. that is for another day though. (also plenty of fun stories of attending the HYYH epilogue concert in macau - i’ll include my horrible video of love is not over from the concert as well). i was so happy to see an extended version of love is not over on the album - i never could have imagined or anticipated it... it was such a delight. having the extended version was almost like what getting young forever was to bookending the saga of HYYH pt. 1 and HYYH pt. 2. i associate this song heavily with my experiences falling in love with macau, falling in love with myself in a way i hadn’t before, and falling head over heels with the world. a very difference first experience considering the low place i was in with the original release.

it is important to note that the extended version of the song adds in the rap verses for all of rapline, and offers us a very different conclusion than the original release (which was a source for debate among 2015 army for it’s place in the larger HYYH saga and the interesting *jibberish* at the ending of the song, more on this in the lyrics section).

feelings: lyrically, love is not over is a breakup song. it’s that kind of song where the singer is begging their significant other not to leave, not to say goodbye. it’s the kind of song you listen to after you get dumped. you’re devastated, the other person seemed perfect... whatever comes next for you, you can’t imagine that person not being a part of it. love becomes nothing but pain in that moment. you lament it. you beg for love to fade and fall away. but... in some ways it’s not. to me, in my view the song is also about one’s relationship with themselves. or at least i see it that way. the song isn’t so much about this one specific girl -- it’s about love in general -- it’s about how they’re upset at the fact that love is always pain for them, it’s goodbye after goodbye, there’s no stability, there’s nothing but pain. i’ll make this point in the lyrics section more clear.

it’s this very point that makes the song resonate with me. at this point in my life, and even now, goodbyes terrify me. i carry the baggage of years of goodbyes, those that were intentional and those that happened for reasons outside of my control. they’re damaging. they make you start to see love as pain. why let others in? why love? what’s the point if it’s all going to end abruptly. you’re left with grief, broken dreams, despair. i’ve been through even more at this point in my life than i had when i first heard love is not over. i should be hardened by the pain i’ve felt over the years. yet - i am not. not completely. i haven’t let bitterness taint me completely.

strangely, when i listen to love is not over, i can’t help but feel in love - the beat - something about the pure R&B sound of it, it’s the perfect build and smoothness, it sounds like what love would sound like (if in fact emotions could become sound waves). the beat is calming and smooth, never loud, never melancholy. the song makes me feel, once again, comforted - like even though i’m hardened, even though love is pain, even though it has the capacity to hurt, it’s not over - and it’s still an emotion that i long to feel and express to those who inevitably come into my life. the song makes think about how i’ll always have the capacity to love and accept love. even if there’s moments i go through where i want to scream that love is dead - i know it’s not, i know that i’ll always love again.

personal connection: i probably relate to this song in a way that very few others do. maybe i’m interpreting it differently, or perhaps it’s because for me, the song doesn’t map neatly onto a life experience for me - yet i still love it dearly and it’s brought me immense comfort. it’s not a song i cry to with the thoughts of a past relationship in mind. it’s more about my internal discoveries and my relationship with how i love, express love to others, and how i experience and process rejection and change in my life.

for me, listening to love is not over brings me to a point where i’ve realize that despite being a hopeless romantic i’m a complete cynic. i’ve taken all the personality tests, i know my star sign... among all of that i can tell you i am deeply idealistic and i live inside my head where i build fantasy worlds and scenarios, where i romance everything. i fall in love with the world around me one-hundred times a day. i’m deeply in love with my friends that i hold dearly close to me. yet, and probably because of these visions of grandeur, i’m often let down. i expect the fantastic, and when things fall short i’m hurt. to make matters worse i’m a deep devotee to the church of self-loathing. i know it’s all my fault that i put so much love and care into everything around me, everyone around me, so when things fail, when inevitably the goodbye comes, i place the blame squarely on my shoulders.

at the point that the extended version of this song came out i was in the process of falling in love with the very world around me. i was out of the US, experiencing something so new and foreign for me. a place that i quickly took in. a place that changed me, made me so much better. healed me to a point where i could leave a toxic relationship - without fearing that goodbye - the goodbye i feared far more was leaving macau, heading back to the states to start my masters degree. i wasn’t in macau for a long time but that experience, i fell in love so many times. not with people per say, but with feelings, with my surroundings, with a slower way of life. when it came time to say goodbye, it was like breaking up with a new life for me. i felt pain. i almost wished i hadn’t experienced a life where i was so happy - only to go back to a world where i had to confront the reality that was my life. the tatters i’d left back in atlanta.

when i came back home things weren’t as i’d left them. i was returning to do my master’s degree at the same institution where i received my four year undergraduate degree. nobody was there that had previously been. i felt abandoned, i felt alone, the love i had in my heart both for a foreign place that was now out of reach, but also for the friends that my university had previously held, hurt. it was pain. i longed and yearned for those places, times, and people yet again. so much so that i hurt myself in the process. i spent nights alone with my wine bottles and emotions. it took a while to get out of the place i was in, but i did in fact love again - love wasn’t over. i learned to fall in love with new people, fall in love with the old in a new way, fall in love with my dreams. for me, love is not over is almost like the story of learning to love yourself, learning to love how you love. and not just in a romantic way, but how you love more generally. if the song were meant to only speak to intense romantic relationships why would namjoon’s verse allude to the shallowness of the relationship at the heart of the song? for me -- i’m still learning how to get back up when love becomes pain, how to recover from putting love into the world and not always receving it back. love is not over. it’s a process. it’s always with me, even if it’s not always returned. even if it’s not always right. it’s there.

song breakdown

musically: i would like to make the assertion that the full length edition of love is not over is one of bangtan’s best songs. every member’s performance shines through, it’s a perfect dramatic ballad song but the rap verses perfectly complement the perfection of the vocal line portions of the song.

the slow and soft start with the piano - it fits the mood of the lyrics perfectly. the way in which the harmonies work together to highlight the emotions of the song. stunning. the introduction of the drum beat at the chorus and the R&B undertrack that runs from the chorus through the rap verses is soothing ~ it picks up the mood completely, infusing the song with hope. the playful beats throughout hoseok’s verse which go in time with “stop” and “dot” it’s complete genius. the melodic backing track that picks up with yoongi’s verse is unexpected but completely complements his increased rap pace. the return to the slow for the bridge as we get the upper-ranges of vocal line... it’s hard to put into words how *perfectly* produced this song is. and -- produced by jungkook. i believe this is his first producing credit, and what a song for it to be. it’s genius in every way. in the outro: version of the song jin is also credited in production and songwriting. it seems that this duo are R&B geniuses along with slow rabbit.

the smooth pick up of the beat - it’s classic R&B at its very very very BEST. the asian style is not something to be skipped as well. there’s clear elements that are echoed throughout the entire HYYH series. the song feels old school, nostalgic for some kind of 90s R&B but with the new twist to it. it fits the mood completely, wishing and longing for something that is now in the past. the song builds around the choruses and in the rap verses, expertly moving the emotions of the song along. much like the song is kind of about the ups and downs of love, the loss and the hope, the ugly and the beauty, the music matches this with it’s changes in tempo and sound. but it’s not overwhelming at all. love is not over is smooth - incredibly so - and it is the kind of song you can put on when you’re down, when you’re up... something about that makes it a complete masterpiece and a never skip.

vocally: i don’t have too much to say here other than love is not over is an OT7 song that showcases the talents of both rap and vocal line beautifully and equally. the balance in the song is one of my very favorite aspects of it. it’s not heavy on either side - we get the raps and we get the beautiful crooning - it’s a masterpiece in songwriting and production. it’s a masterpiece in performance. jungkook’s beautiful higher range is showcased in the opening of the piece and leads off the chorus and is felt throughout with adlibs. taehyung’s velvet lower register often follows jungkook in a beautiful contrast - offering us a soulful sultry sound. then jimin and jin take over and moves the song into the chrous with their beautiful high-registesr. jimin builds the prechorus with power, which then is sung line by line and beautifully with all four voices complementing one another. vocal line harmonizes with one another throughout the song - offering plenty of stunning ad libs as well.

rapline brings emotion and pain to the song with slower tempo raps in the second verse, started by namjoon and concluded by hoseok. namjoon’s gentle rap voice delivers a sense of understanding and comfort. meanwhile hoseok follows him up with a soulful rap, playing with the beat and building into a pleading tone at the end of his verse. the final rap verse is then taken by yoongi - he starts off slow and building to a more quick rap pace, adding in more emotion and bleeding in to jungkook’s crisp delivery of a modified bridge/final chrous. both jimin and jungkook provide several heavenly high notes throughout and the piece is ended with the solemn repetition of love is not over. it’s stunning, the vocals for all members truly shine in love is not over - there is no dominance, and the song makes for the perfect showcase of the group’s total talent.

lyrically: jungkook is listed as the primary songwriter for love is not over, but he was assisted by jin, pdogg, slow rabbit, and rapline contributed their own raps. i think it’s important to note because jungkook was only 18 at the time of the full length release, and even younger likely when he wrote the song. impressive.

now - onto pulling this masterpiece apart completey.

the slow and beautiful start to love is not over is grounded in a feeling of time passing, time flowing, as one sits through a “long night” that they can’t seem to escape. offering us both a headspace we’ve all been familiar with - sitting alone in your room late at night pondering life - and a feeling of something quite dark, the long night that going through a hard time can feel like. the lyrics then move to ask “why are you getting farther away? / so far that i can’t reach you?” these lines are clearly calling out to someone that was at one point very close with the speaker - a lover, perhaps a close friend, an emotion, a past identity... the options can be endless. it’s like as in the previous line, time is fading away, everything is going dark, and so is the relationship at the heart of the song. the song then asks “can’t you see me in your eyes anymore?” the line almost begging, what has changed, why am i no longer someone you consider, no longer someone you’d like to have in your space? in your view? it’s crushing. the speaker can sense the relationship and the other pulling away, their once held affections and desire melting away to darkness - to a lack of presence.

the song then moves into the chorus - almost a chantlike chorus which brings more emphasis and importance to the words. the lines begin: “love is so painful / goodbyes are even more painful.” beautifully outlining that opening oneself up to love, that vulnerability, it hurts - and when loves walks away from you, when the goodbye comes inevitably it’s even more crushing than the initial feelings of fear, anxiety, the nakedness that comes along with falling into love. “i can’t go on if you’re not here / love me, love me / come back to my arms” the speaker begs, pleads, feels completely powerless losing something so precious. when juxtaposed with the title of the song - love is not over - you begin to wonder, perhaps these words are just that? they’re words. there’s ultimately a piece of understanding that love is worth the pain and struggle, there is a hopefulness to this song, but we can’t find it in the chours.

the piece then moves into namjoon’s rap - lyrically powerful and delivered with nothing but raw emotion. he starts off telling an intimate story “you said goodbye to me / every night before i went to bed” emphasizing the closeness of the subject to him -- “i hated that even more than dying / it feels like this night is the end of you and me.” he laments those goodbyes, he’d rather have stayed in those beautiful moments, full of love, full of promise. instead things have gone dark and they’re ending now - the longest night has begun, with a simple “goodbye.” despite having emphasizing the closeness of the subject to him, namjoon then calls into question that “i don’t know you, you didn’t know me” perhaps he says this as an explanation, if they’d truly known one another then they’d have worked things out. made it all okay again. there’d have been no goodbye. it’s the realization that perhaps he’d been in love with someone he’d create in his head all along. he then moves along to say “you’re like hello and goodbye / at my beginning and my end / there” emphasizing that things with the subject had been up and down, all over the place, bliss and pain. this goes back to the statement about love being pain, it’s something the speaker wants desperately, yet it’s causing them pain? thus emphasizing the volatility and absolute confusion that happens to our emotions when they’re tangled up within another.

hoseok’s verse follows with its own beat and style. he emphasizes the separation in the first two lines “everything stopped like our red light / stop” and “nothing more to say, it ends with my tears / dot.” clearly he is drawing a line here, there’s no need for any more interaction between the two. it’s over. which in many ways contrasts with the begging nature of the choruses. which leans me to be inclined to think that this song is more about being in love with the emotion of love, a yearning for the emotion and feeling of love rather than a specific person that didn’t even know you. hoseok continues “i’m not okay i repeat this denial / recite, if you can recite my mind” asking the subject to recognize his emotions, his feelings towards concluding their relationship. “you are my endless love and my girl” the verse finishes out. bringing us back to the true story at hand, but not taking us away from the idea of wanting love for the overall feeling of love rather than for a specific person.

the chorus repeats once again, then we are brought to yoongi’s verse. the emotion builds both in the sound of the song but also lyrically. hope is infused throughout this verse following strongly after more sad toned lyrics previously. he starts off “i always smile at you / even the love is a tragedy for me.” this line makes me think that the speaker recognizes that even if things are falling apart, there was something beautiful about being able to feel at all. that’s a major theme throughout the HYYH series. feeling, experiencing, not necessarily for the sake of others, but for the sake of exercising your youth, for growing, strengthening and building yourself. this part of life is the perfect time for it. “i always cry after it’s over / farewell even though it’s a comedy for you.” yoongi recognizes that the other party doesn’t carry the same emotions as him, it’s completely the oppostie for them. “yes nothing is everlasting / i live without you even i feel like dying” while not exactly hopeful, this line does contrast with the other lines about not being able to go on - yoongi specifically uses the word “live” he goes on, life goes on, he will continue to experience and it is at this point in the song where the first utterance of the song title is made. “over, over, love is not over” emphasizing that even if this is over, love lives on. it might be pain, it might be an unpleasant emotion, but it continues. finally yoongi ends his verse with a plead “please take me out of this endless maze” signifying that he finds the interactions with this particular type of love, or person, or moment in his life confusing and disorienting. but the thing is, mazes have exits - there’s a change he’ll find his way out and onto whatever is next.

the chrous repeats one more time before the song in concluded with the beautiful chants of “love is not over, over, over” flipping the way in which yoongi uttered the line - ending with the word over. offering hope to the listener. the chant urging the speaker to believe their own words. there is a change, love is not over. it will happen again and again - “over and over” as the lyrics provide through the repetition of the lyrics. it’s understated but it’s a powerful message of hope, cycles, and avoidance of a true end.

performance: you can easily find live performances of love is not over, most notably from the EPILOGUE in JAPAN concert. i also attended the HYYH EPILOGUE concert, but in macau back in 2016. i was really fortunate to experience love is not over performed live. i’ve uploaded the video here for you all the enjoy. please don’t mind any screaming you hear, i was clearly beside myself. i remember the emotions i felt hearing the song live - the vocals were pristine, the emotion in each voice was on display, the stripped down live band backing was beautiful. everything about the performance screamed emotion.

all seven bangtan members were seated on stools, dressed in black jeans and white blouses. behind the members a beautiful HYYH logo was lit up with the signature chain-link fence print. the beautiful understated nature of the performance amongst a sea of high-energy performances including baepsae, save me, I NEED U, and fire... the contrast was enough to make every ARMY at the show completely transfixed. did i cry? maybe. did i cry with a strange girl i’d met off of twitter only hours earlier? ...okay i’ll be honest - i really did. the song is powerful just as a track on an album, but experiencing it live, or even just watching the performance on youtube -- it’s powerful. the talents of these men are on full display, both rap and vocal line are able to highlight their abilities beautifully.

tl;dr: love is not over is beautiful. it’s an earlier bangtan song, and it’s earned its place as a complete classic R&B bop. the sounds of each member’s voice, the lyrics, they’re melodic and soothing. the song is about heartbreak, but the interpretations in the context of the greater HYYH saga make it hopeful. love is something we often associate with youth. falling in love with others, ourselves, and our world - it can be painful... especially when we’re young and we realize that things aren’t always as we percieve them to be. but it’s all a part of learning. we will love again, and love isn’t over. it’s a cycle.

#love is not over #bts #jungkook #lyrics #analysis #bangtan #hyyh #young forever

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bts-news-letter · 6 years

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8 Times BTS’s RM Shared Valuable Pieces Of Wisdom

수연 | Published November 11th, 2018

From his trainee days to his current status as the leader of BTS, Kim Namjoon AKA RM has always made powerful statements and never refrained from sharing his vision, aspirations, and dreams with the rest of us.

Be it through lyrics, interviews, speeches, or live sessions, the bulletproof rapper earnestly brought us comfort, confidence, and courage through his spoken words.

Voicing his thoughts ever so vividly, here are eight times RM shared his life philosophy.

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1. On the pursuit of happiness ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Happiness is not something that you have to achieve. You can still be happy during the process of achieving something. So if you change your perspective a little bit, I know many people are going through tough times right now, but this moment could be the most beautiful moment of our lives.”

From the 2015 “HYYH On Stage” Concert in Seoul.

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2. On emotional and intellectual growth ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“A teacher told me that in your twenties if you have so many thoughts, that’s like branches in a tree. If my brain is a tree, there are so many branches: there’s sadness, there’s desperation, devastation, there’s happiness, hope, everything. But when you get old, it gets cut and when it gets some shape of a tree, we have to feel pain and we have to experience many things. […] If you’ve got so many branches in your twenties, and you feel sad and sometimes get lost, some day, you will finally be a really beautiful tree in your thirties and forties. […] Sometimes, I meet good and cool old people, they’ve got the attitude like they’ve experienced so many things, so maybe we can one day have that.”

From RM’s solo live session on V Live. (Starting at 27:02)

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3. On seizing opportunities ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“What’s wrong with the life of a passenger

If somebody gotta lead, then I’mma be the

messenger

I’m just too young, don’t know what to believe in

But too young, you know, not to be living

I will stay, I will wait, and I’ll fight like a king

Even though I can forever ever be a king

I will marry this goddamn world, by my own

And put myself on a goddamn ring”

From Fall Out Boy’s “Champion” remix featuring RM.

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4. On outgrowing the pain ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“It’s alright, even if it’s not us

Even if sadness erases me

Even if there are clouds

Even if I’m in an endless dream

Even if I’m endlessly crumpled

Even if my wings are torn

Even if some day, I’m not me anymore

It’s alright, only I am my own salvation

I won’t ever die in this walk

How you doin’? I’m fine

My sky is clear

All pain, say goodbye”

From BTS’s “I’m Fine” from their latest album “Love Yourself: Answer.”

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5. On healing through music ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“We want to and have to talk about what’s inside us and we want to be helpful to the world and we want to say, speak and show something that this world needs. […] Life is supposed to be very ironic and unstable, and in teenage years and twenties, it’s really more and more, like we doubt ourselves. Sometimes we want to live, sometimes we want to die. It changes day to day, or even hour to hour. So music and artist for healing is kind of like a big wide slogan including all of the slogans we had. We wanted to talk (about) what’s inside and we wanted to help our friends in the world.”

From the Grammy Museum conversation with BTS. (Starting at 8:50)

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6. On encouraging youth to speak their minds ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“I urge you to speak yourself. What is your name? What excites you and makes your heart beat? Tell me your story. I want to hear your voice. I want to hear your conviction. No matter who you are, where you are from, your skin color, your gender identity, just speak yourself. Find your name and find your voice by speaking yourself. […] Like most people, I’ve made many and plenty mistakes in my life. I have many faults, and I have many more fears, but I’m gonna embrace myself as hard as I can, and I’m starting to love myself gradually just little by little. What is your name? Speak yourself.”

From the BTS speech at the United Nations as part of Youth 2030: The UN Youth Strategy.

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7. On learning to love oneself ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Loving myself is my whole life goal until my death. And what is loving myself? What is loving yourself? I don’t know. Who can define their own method and the way of loving myself? It’s our mission to define our way to love ourselves. It’s never intended, but it feels like I’m using you guys to love myself, so I want to say one thing: please, please use me, please use BTS to love yourself because you guys taught me how to love myself everyday.”

From the 2018 “Love Yourself” World Tour concert in Citi Field.

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8. On life’s ups and downs ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“I left, but can never get to leave once,

You say you wanna die but live it much harder,

You say you wanna let go but put on another weight,

Thinking of not thinking at all is still thinking,

you know

Actually this is our destiny, you know

Smiling in endless pain, you know

There is no freedom when you say

freedom out loud, you know”

From RM’s “Moonchild” from his second mixtape “Mono.”

Which piece of RM’s mind speaks to you the most? Let us know in the comments below!

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antisocial-mochi · 6 years

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Fake Love Mv Analysis + Theory

HOLY SHIT I CAN’T EVEN! There’s so much to cover. I’m going to do things a bit out of order, but if you’ve watched the mv, you’ll know what order everything’s in originally. This is going to be a bit long, so please bare with me.

First off, when they’re all standing in the line formation, it’s very reminiscent of an unraveling DNA strand.

It’s almost like after Jin closed the curtain, it was like he closed himself off from everyone and everything.

Then Jin’s huddled around the smeraldo flower shown in the beginning. Like he’s trying to preserve what’s left of himself. However, once it’s gone, it’s like Jin had nothing left to lose, therefore he disappeared.

Or the flower could be a metaphor for the secret of him hitting Jungkook and putting him in the hospital. It’s almost like his ‘fear’ is lack of control in situations.

It’s almost like Jungkook observing Jin from a crack in the door.. (It’s seems he’s observing all the guys in some way, shape or form. I’ll list them as we go along.)

Then he’s running, trying to catch up with him. at one point, he’s running through the hallway that was used in both Awake and BST Japanese ver. and the floor is falling out behind him. It’s almost as if everything is disappearing because Jin’s gone and now Jungkook in the process of leaving.

(Which both of them have used the same room or a very similar room in recent times. Jin’s room is very similar the Jungkook’s room in Begin. Then at the end of this mv, as seen in the one teaser, the room with the hooded figure and coat racks is almost identical to Jin’s room; after it was destroyed.)

Then we see Taehyung with a phone that disintegrates to ash. It’s not real. Plus, all on the walls, there’s phones everywhere that later turn on. It’s like saying that even though you get all this love and attention, it doesn’t mean anything if it doesn’t come from yourself first. (Plus we have Save me/I’m fine written behind him.)

Towards the end of the mv, Taehyung is seen walking away from the hallway plastered with phones and looking up at “Save me” on the wall.

Could that be him realizing he doesn’t need the love, nor the opinions of others? Is he beginning to see that he doesn’t have to stay in the box he’s been put into for so long because of who he is? Does he realize the only person that can truly keep you stigmatized, is yourself. Then in turn, he’s leaving it behind(?)

Maybe he’s ‘fear’ was himself because, he killed his father in I Need U. Then when Namjoon didn’t come to his aid, maybe he felt like his actions weren’t as justified as he first thought. Therefore, he began to question his values/morals as a person; was he a good person?

There’s also the possibility that the reason the phone is the center of Taehyung’s fear or darkness is because, he felt betrayed by Namjoon. If you remember they have a whole history behind them. They get in trouble together, promise to always have each other’s back, etc. Then when Taehyung needs him most and tries to call him, Namjoon doesn’t answer. Now whether the betrayal is intentional or not, is another ball of wax. At that point, it depends on what theory thread you want to follow. Namjoon could represent Taehyung’s ‘fake love.’ An unreliable friend, who knows things about you, things most others don’t.

(We also have this shot of Jungkook standing directly above Taehyung’s room.)

We also have Hoseok, who when he was first shown in the mv, he was surrounded by carnival rides/props. Not to mention, the merry go round. (Which is where his mother abandoned him as a child.)Then he’s laying in a huge pile of Snickers. His ‘fear’ is being abandoned, and his ‘fake love’ was his mother.

It’s almost as if he’s being consumed by his truth/darkness. That or he’s acknowledging it, finally.

(Here’s Jungkook’s way of observing Hobi. Which feels very familiar to the clip of Jungkook looking into the keyhole in teaser 1.)

We have Namjoon kind of at odds with his reflection. It also seems like Namjoon’s ‘room’ is like a giant shipping container. Which, that would sort of make sense because, Namjoon’s been either in, on, or near shipping containers. Like in clips from the Run mv and the Epilogue mv.

Someone on Twitter pointed out that the handgrips behind Namjoon reminded them of the grips in buses. Much like the the bus he was on in the LY:Her highlight reels. The same bus he bumped into his girl on. Maybe because he wanted to impress her, he put on this other persona, or mask. But because he kept that mask on for so long, he began to lose or forget who he truly is and what he’s done.

Hence making his love for not only himself, but others around him, fake. Maybe his ‘fear’ is having to let go of that other persona, in order to find himself again. Or his ‘fear’ IS in fact re-finding himself, but not being happy with what he has to look at in the mirror everyday.

(And here’s Jungkook’s outlet to observe Joon.)

Now we have Yoongi. First we see him in a decrepit room, sitting in front of a brown piano. Notice the guitar beside him. Could that be the one his girl had in the LY:Her Highlight Reels? (He also throws it. )

Once Jungkook gets to the end of the hallway, it’s a dead end. However, there’s a boarded up opening in the wall. When he looks in, there’s Yoongi all alone, sitting in a chair, staring at the boarded up fireplace.

Then we see a flash of fire outside the room. Almost as if it were like a passing thought in his mind. Fire seems to represent Yoongi’s darkness/truth. So, it’s like he started thinking about it and the more he thought, the more aware he became.

then he smiled, as if he were content with realizing/ acknowledging his truth.

Someone mentioned to go back into the HYYH notes and read Yoongi’s. There’s we’re told that Yoongi’s mother dies in a fire. So maybe the room he was in, was her room at one point.

Even though Yoongi was shown so much love by his girl in the reels, maybe he still felt like it wasn’t as real as his mom’s. Maybe he felt like her love was the only true love there was. What if he felt like his girl was going to try and use him.

Maybe his ‘fear’ is being used/being depended on.

Maybe that’s why he pushes Jungkook away and even fights him. he afraid of having people need him.

In his most recent notes, they talk about him having a flashback to when he watched his house being burned to the ground. When he was asked if there was anyone else in the house, he said no.

Maybe his mom was sick and depended on him, way more then was should be expected of from a child. Maybe he was tired of it and wanted to be free. However, then as he’s gone through life, he’s carried this guilt with him. That could explain why he attempted suicide, by setting his room ablaze.

He wanted to go out the saem way this all started. Maybe he was hoping the fire would engulf him in the room, since it didn’t work the first time.

Moving onto Jimin. As talked about in past posts, Jimin is associated with water, much like Yoongi is with fire.

We see he’s in the room, alone (yet again, keeping up that trend of him always being alone.) and looking around, obviously unhappy. At one point, we see him turn off the faucet of the sink behind him. Almost like he’s had enough and stops the endless circle that is his lie, dead in its tracks. Or that could be Jimin bottling up his feelings, (Hence with the water bursts from the walls.)

Then, after the few scenes with Jungkook, (Which I’ll get to in a moment.) we’re shown the drains on the wall behind Jimin start to overflow and burst. Literally like the flood gates open and either side of him. Is that an indication of Jimin acknowledging the darkest parts of himself? (This is also at the same time Yoongi’s room goes up in flames.)

(There’s also a flash worth of a scene where Jimin has in hand covering his mouth. If you go back in my posts and read “Analysis of Lie Mv,” I talk about my theory as to why he does that. )

Jimin’s ‘fear’ is either death, or being left behind. We’ve seen throughout the storyline that Jimin seems to be ill. I’m thinking it’s most mental than physical, but I could be wrong.

He always seems to like living in the moment, rather than worry about the future.He doesn’t want thing to change because, if things change he could be written out of the equation.

Jimin seems to have the closest relationship with Hoseok, yet he’s replaced multiple times. First it was with the girl from the highlight reels. Then it was Taehyung in Euphoria.

It seems as though Jimin depends on Hoseok a lot throughout the universe. Hoseok keeps him grounded, keeps him from doing something stupid. The problem is, Hoseok doesn’t really know Jimin’s relying on him so much. So, while he’s looking out for others and running to other people’s aid, he’s unknowingly leaving Jimin out in the cold.

(I also want to point out that this is/could be Jungkook observing Jimin from above,not Jin like I initially said.)

Now for the scenes where Jungkook is looking at the waterfalls, it’s a little interesting. We see the wall of waterfall(s). We also see a pile of dust/ash/sand on the ground, along with the glass container that once held the Smeraldo flower.

When Jungkook kneels down to pick up some of the ash/dust/sand and as it’s falling back down to the ground, we see the shadow of flower petals flying away. As we know, Jin’s always linked with flowers, more specifically lilies. However, the petals in the case aren’t lily petals, but still the point still stands. Then it pans out, and there’s petals floating through the air.

Some have said that the flower could represent time. So,when we see the sand that means time’s caught up with Jin and the truth’s out.

My question is, is Jin gone? Did he complete what he set out to do, or did something happen; like a sort of loophole that made his time run out? Because it doesn’t seem like he’s ready to leave, or ready to have things come crashing own around him. Hence why he tries to protect the flower.

When Jin loses the Smeraldo and all that’s left is a pile of ash and the empty container, that could support the theory of him being gone. Or, maybe his spirit per say is moved to that all black room from Euphoria, where there was only a bed and the curtains.

Maybe that’s like a limbo type of place he’s moved to, in order to save him from completely vanishing. Then maybe from there that’s when he tries to go back in time and fix things. (As discussed in a past post.)

Taehyung’s also been associated with the Smeraldo flower. In Singularity, he’s seen holding the flower in front of his mouth. Again, the truth that was untold. So, when the flower turned to sand, maybe Jin’s truth wasn’t the only truth finally brought to light.

Somebody said when Taehyung was looking at the phone, it looked like he was looking and the Smeraldo flower.(I don’t know if I agree with that. It’s very hard to tell by the slight reflection in his eyes.)

Also doesn’t the first picture with the shadow of the petals feel familiar? This is a shot of what looks to be Jin’s shadow, releasing flower petals into the air.

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