#i actually thought it treated childhood trauma and the different ways it can happen and affect a person beautifully

[endlesslycoffee]

y'all love complaining tsats is GOOD

[klausysworld]

Hii, I love your work <3, it's so good

I was wondering if you could do a Klaus x reader when Klaus is reader's psychologist or therapist and he knows all her shit and falls in love with her (I'd even like to see some jealousy from Klaus because reader always chooses men who treat her horrible and he tries to be professional about it but in the end he can't, he kind of thinks he would treat her better (even in the sexual part))

Which would hurt more?

Klaus had been seeing his client Y/n L/Y/N for a few weeks now, once on a Sunday and again on a Thursday for an hour or so each time depending on his schedule and if he could push other clients back to hear her.

He knew he probably shouldn’t have a favourite patient but despite most of their conversations being on rather traumatic or emotional topics, he looked forward to seeing her and listening to everything happening in her day to day life as well as her past.

He enjoyed seeing her progress and helping her to understand her own feelings. Even if he mostly listened and offered advice that he knew she wouldn’t actually use.

So there he was already waiting on his chair with the door open for her to come in while he got the past session notes out. His lips turned up as he heard her voice ring from the hall

“I’m so sorry I’m late Dr Mikaelson, I got caught up” she explained, through heavy breathing as she rushed in and closed the door before going to her usual choice of seating opposite him.

“Not an issue y/n, and please call me Klaus” he smiled at her and she quickly mirrored it as she dropped her bag and brushed the hair out of her face. “So, how was your morning?” He questioned while clicking his pen

“Well- okay so last night I was out with this guy right? Whatever, stayed the night at his but then woke up and I was like shit. I’m on the other side of town, no car, lost my keys, the dick took my cash from my purse and disappeared before I woke up and I couldn’t find my phone anywhere so I had to find my own way here without any money. Ergo I ran cuz I woke late and I’m just behind on everything, you?” She rushed out in one long breath leaving him speechless for a moment before glancing to his empty page.

And then began a long session about her decisions, how she got to them, how she would do them differently and why she thinks she chooses then more often than she’d like.

See Y/n seemed to do this a lot. From what Klaus could tell, she frequently allowed random men to use her body only to feel awful about herself after. He assumed it to be her own version of self harm, abusing her body to try feel better for a moment.

Problem was she didn’t see it that way, and he knew she planned to keep doing it. And although he had many suggestions, he couldn’t exactly tell her what she can and can’t do.

But he could be there for her and try to help her find a better way to her future.

And over time, he managed to see some change in her behaviour. She got more self aware and was able to move past some of her childhood trauma.

The problem with her being self aware was that she knew what she was doing and it was only upsetting her more each time she had to tell him that she’d done it again.

And although he hasn’t ever hugged a patient in the past, he couldn’t help but comfort her as she cried for nearly the entire session. It was his main mistake.

Having her in his arms felt too good for her to be just a client. Being able to smell her hair as her face nuzzled his neck was delightful and in that moment he wished they were stood in his their own house, under entirely different circumstances and together.

Of course once she pulled away and sniffled her ‘thank you’ back to him, he snapped out of it and cleared his throat to try and push away his thoughts.

And from then it only got worse.

One hug became many over the weeks, until she was greeting him and leaving him with a cuddle each time.

And then the dreams kicked in, he knew he could treat her so much better than any other and he loathed every man who took advantage of her vulnerable state. He just wanted to have her as his, to hold and love her like she deserved.

Of course he tried to shove his thoughts away when he actually saw her but then she began wearing more intriguing outfits. Revealing and suggestive clothing that surely drove his mind mad.

His eyes would shut and his lips would part as her breasts pushed right up against him and she hummed with her lips by his ear. Klaus couldn’t help his mind wondering to the idea of having his face between said breasts, hands squeezing and fingers pinching. He couldn’t help glance down for a second as they pulled away to get a peek at her cleavage and when he looked back to her eyes he knew she knew and that made it harder.

Months went by and he found himself waking up with her name fresh on his lips, cock up and solid, sweat coating his body as he groaned aloud and pulled the blanket off his body only to sigh in defeat at the cum that already covered his abs.

She made it difficult to concentrate on anything she was saying now that such a rich red lipstick painted her lips each day, his note book became more and more blank each session and he seemed to find himself picturing her in all sorts of positions as she told him about another imbecile she slept with. God he just wanted to have her beneath him, head back as she screamed his name and forgot about every fool she had ever been with before.

And when she kept coming to him upset or hurt both physically and/or emotionally by another boy…he couldn’t stop himself from snapping and telling her she needed to stop abusing herself which caused a heavy silence to hang over them.

She had cleared her throat and pulled at her jacket to hide her breasts that she had originally wanted on display for him.

And that’s when he realised that he was another person who she though would use her and leave her. She wanted him to hurt her.

He stood up slowly and moved to sit beside her on the couch she were on, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him, he rest his chin on top her head and sighed through his nose

“I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry y/n” he told her

“It’s fine, you’re right” she whispered but he could hear the crack in her voice and it hurt his heart.

He kissed her temple tenderly and helped her onto his lap which probably wasn’t his finest idea but he did so nevertheless. His hand gently rubbed up and down her arm as she bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to not cry again in front of him even though it was what he was there for.

“I never mean to upset you sweetheart” he murmured, tucking some of her hand behind her ear

“I’m sorry” she whispered and he frowned

“No lovely, never be sorry, it’s my job to listen to you. I was very out of line…” he thought for a moment before his brain gave him a brilliant idea “how about we do something to cheer you up? You like sweet things don’t you y/n, how about we go to the cafe just down the street?” He offered

“Is that allowed?” She asked quietly, of course she wanted to spend time with him and she had purple been trying to get his attention but now she was getting it, she worried that it would hurt his career. He was a highly recommended psychologist and she wouldn’t ever want to ruin his reputation.

He hesitated for a moment before sighing “probably not no…but I’ll go get you something and bring it back okay? You happy to wait here?” He leaned back to see her face as she turned to him.

“Are you sure? I’ll grab my purse so-“

“Nonsense love, It’s my version of an apology” he hushed her as he stood “just stay here, snoop if you must and I’ll be back shortly” he kissed her forehead before leaving.

It was an odd situation to be in, her psychologist holding and kissing her and buying her things to make her feel better.

She thought she’d seduce him, fuck him and then he’d have to let her go as a client and she’d be on her own again. But he didn’t take her against his desk and then throw her out, he kept looking out for her, taking care of her and being kind. It was bizarre and everything in her argued on whether she should run or stay.

She wasn’t sure which would hurt more. Staying, falling completely in love with someone she knew she wasn’t allowed or running away from the only good thing in her life at the moment.

She was never great at decisions and Klaus knew that.

Which is why he wasn’t overly surprised when he got back with the cakes in his hands only to find that she had left only a note as a sign she had once been there.

He placed the food down and sighed, he shouldn’t have left her alone. He didn’t know what he was thinking anymore. He just knew that she was important to him now and he needed to find her, sooner rather than later.

[nightcolorz]

truly on board the armand meta train this evening but you mentioned in a post earlier about how the amc iwtv fandom reacted to the depictions of SA with Claudia in s1 and how it was responded to with sensitivity, and then in s2 this does continue- but only for her. The amount of people i have seen on various platforms (mostly show only fans) believing that Armand was lying about his own sexual trauma and repeated assaults for his own gain (again seemingly for some fan’s need to have a clear villian)

It just feels really horrible that a fandom that reacted in such a way to this sort of material in the first season concerning a female character who was underage (if only physically), then goes on to deny, belittle, and even romanticise and sexualise the same sort of trauma that happened to a male character who was also underage (and also mentally as well as physically.) Especially because Claudia’s trauma was only added by the show, which makes it no less valid- but pointing out it was not in the books like Armand’s explicitly was.

I think what im trying to say with that is that Armand’s sexual trauma was already explicitly canon and adapted from that book canon to the show, whereas Claudia’s was a show invention yet is treated a lot more sensitivity and is being believed more (again, i think this is due to show watchers seeing anything Claudia says as objective truth as it is more through the eyes of Daniel- who is of course always completely right and fair (/s) compared to Louis and Armand who of course must always be twisting the truth in some way from their own gain)

Anyway i have gone on a bit but I would love to hear your thoughts on the show’s audience reaction to Claudia’s SA and trauma in comparison to Armand’s

ooo yes I love this question, I’ve thought about it before. the double standard there is honestly pretty upsetting to me. I think part of why the fandom treats Claudia’s sa differently than Armand’s is definitely partly bcus of what u said, how Armand is assumed to be never truthful and Claudia is considered always truthful, which is applied by some ppl to everything they say and do with no nuance. I think a part of it is also a broader fandom issue where male sexual assault isn’t considered as serious/valid/wrong etc as female sexual assault is. so you’ll find people in fandom spaces who believe and discuss how sexual violence against women is a sensitive subject that needs to be treated with care, then go and treat male sexual assault in fiction like it’s sexy, or funny, or not so serious. because of the bias of course that exists with real sexual violence where male victims r often less likely to be treated seriously, believed, etc then female victims. when u think about it, considering the pretty prevalent socially ingrained belief that men can’t be sexually assaulted or that sexual assault against men isn’t as serious as sexual assault against women combined with a chunk of the fandom’s tendency to interpret everything Armand does or says as malicious or deceitful, it makes sense that this would be a prevalent take, but god it’s so disgusting, I hate it.

Armand’s history of childhood sexual abuse is extremely important to his character, as u said it was in the books, and the reason it was adapted so faithfully is because u *can not* remove it or change it without completely rewriting Armand and changing a lot of his fundamental characteristics. So frankly, it’s so fucking stupid to see people saying he’s lying, as if that would not be a character assignation so drastic it would be absurdly stupid for any writer to come up with. It would be like, idk, saying Claudia lied about being turned into a vampire when she was a child and that she actually was over 18, or some shit like that. Like genuinely be so for real 😭. And I mentioned it in another ask but I can’t say it enough, it’s repulsive to insist that a fictional sexual abuse victim who’s history of sexual violence is actively incredibly impactful to everything he does is “lying for sympathy”. Like y’all need to realize that u r making disgusting implications about real victims of assault and u sound like actual freaks. Also u sound dumb lol, like USE UR BRAIN, how would Armand be lying or using his trauma to manipulate when he is clearly actively acting due to his trauma 😭

So many people who were talking about how sexual violence against women is super sensitive and the show needs to treat it with more care, making sure to add tws on their posts and to make respectful disclaimers and such, are now taking another character who was sexually assaulted and saying he is lying or manipulating or their making jokes about it because they see him as some villain only worthy of ridicule and nothing else. It’s gross!!

I think another part of it is probably how a lot of people only see victimhood as real or valid if they perceive the victim as none-complexly “good.” Since Claudia is perceived by the fandom as always in the right she is a real victim who deserves respect, and since Armand is the villain who’s in the wrong he is faking it or smth. In reality people who have experienced trauma, especially childhood sexual abuse as intense and horrible as what Armand went through, are very flawed!! And having flaws or being a bad person, especially when said flaws r very tied to the trauma itself, does not make someone in any way less of a victim!!

Armand was taught to believe that he is an actual object, he grew up in a dog eat dog world where there r men with power who use weaker people to stay in control and there are slaves who the men use for whatever they please, and he internalized that this is how he will always has to live bcus this is how the world works. Assad zaman literally said Armand doesn’t know what love is bcus he’s never experienced it 😭. Armand models every relationship he has after his relationship with Marius, who literally raped and abused him as a child, because he was the first person who ever loved him 😭 and armand is always chasing love because he has never truly felt it and doesn’t know why he feels so empty. Marius taught Armand that love is using someone for their body and hitting them when they disobey u. Of course he’s fucked up! Of course he sees his relationship with Louis as a transactional power grab where he’s either the master or the slave before he sees it as loyalty and trust and companionship, of course he betrays him ‼️. And like 😭 everything wrong with Armand and all of the fucked up shit he does can be tied to his trauma . Come oooonnn 😭🙏 he is not lying 💀 he’s not trying to manipulate Louis or “gain sympathy”, Jesus Christ.

the petty, book purist part of me is so annoyed that a somewhat irresponsible rape plot line that was added without as much care as it should have been, especially considering it wasn’t necessary to the character or the story and wasn’t in the books, is being treated with more validity and sympathy and respect then a male characters childhood sexual trauma that has shaped every aspect of how he functions and behaves. And that’s petty 😭 but like, I can’t say I’m wrong for being off put. This is genuinely mf gross.

thank uuuu for the ask u r literally the best ahhhh!!! I hope this was interesting, I’m a lil brain fried rn lol

[blacklegsanjiii]

Do I love Reiju a whole lot? Yes. Do I also love to gave Sanji even more trauma? YES!

So here am I, with a new universe: Evil!Reiju au!

Reiju is still born with emotions, but there two things: 1) she has so little emotions that they're almost nonexistent 2) the little feelings and personality she has are from Judge.

So yeah, instaed of a caring and kind old sister Reiju who feels so much, we have a Reiju who is cruel and manipulative and pretends to care about Sanji. She treats Sanji like he is nothing more than a toy who she can simply play with it's feelings, and not like it's her damn little brother.

But she puts on an act. Reiju uses (fake) sweet words and (fake) gentle touches to make the blonde trust her. Subtly hurting him when she's bored.

Then the dunsheon, where her mask finally falls. Of course, completely breaking what was left of Sanji's heart. During the next two years, even if she doesn't beat him, her cruel words hurt just as much.

After Sanji runs away, he doesn't trust no one. It's just on the rock, 2 years after, that he starts to trust this man who was unrealistic kind. They're rescued from the rock and Zeff starts to treat him like an actual father would treat a son. This always makes Sanji's heart warm and give him the need to cry a little because for the first time since his mother died someone truly loves him.

Sanji is still gentle with women, but not much like canon. He would fight one if needed and, actually, he's kinda afraid of them deep down and a little uncomfortable, too. Zeff don't know the whole thing but he knows his eggplant have been through a traumatic thing and he can't and wouldn't never blame him, he would be a shame of a father and an idiot if he did.

Then Sanji joins the StrawHats because, curiously, something inside his stitched heart tells him he should. And Sanji follows his heart.

Things go pretty much like canon. With some differences, like: East Blue Polycule happens, Sanji is always suspicious of everyone (all the crew notices this, so at least one of them always is with him when the ship stops at some island and less gentle over women.

Then the TimeSkip, where WCI happens. Reiju still puts the fake cuffs but this time with the intentions of messing with her brother's mind. She makes little threats about exploding his hands and/or poisoning, and it's until they're almost leaving Whole Cake and she tells the cuffs are fake.

Also I need 0 & 3ji to have a argument who is like "You're too emotional, Sanji" "Maybe I am, but you never about me at all, Reiju" "Why would I care about a worthless failure?" "... I thought you cared about me, you always acted like you did before the thing" at the end of the arc. With the Sanji rescue team watching and looking at Reiju with anger.

They go at Wano and everything happens. Then after the fight Luffy, Brook, Chopper and Nami ask about the argument and Sanji tells to the whole crew, because the other also want to know. He tells them about his childhood, how Reiju pretended to care for him. The dunsheon and how cruel she actually was.

All the StrawHats think that Reiju is nothing more than a cruel people.

Okay, I love this, but I think it would forever fuck with Sanji and women moreso than you think? And like his whole relationship with Nami is probably so fucking skewed? Jesus. She's needlessly cruel and just manipulates the shit out of Sanji constantly. He would be bending over backwards to get any smidge of affection from her until his escape but is so terrified of just disappointing her that it is just negatively impacts his expression towards women so much that Sanji inevitably just is so scared of them and so his immediate reaction is to fawn.

Reiju notices it's more fun to her to toy with Sanji like a doll when she's young and Judge encourages it since it's just to the failure. It's not like anything wrong will happen. She's subtle about the way she hurts, sharp words and back handed compliments to that ache and sting the blond's heart when he's just a child, turning to outright malicious intent when she finds Sanji in the dungeon because he's supposed to be dead and the words. Sanji tries to be good so she can get him out but she just tells him this is where failures belong if not in the ground. She doesn't understand how their mother loved such a failure because it's impossible. Still, when she visits, he tries. He tries until he manages to escape and run away, helmet weighing heavily on him. But he's freed from Germa and the helmet and he starts working and keeps to himself. He doesn't trust anyone and doesn't believe himself worthy of Zeff's sacrifice. He doesn't understand why someone would sacrifice so much for a failure like him.

When it comes to fighting women Sanji would really prefer not to. They talk sweet and it sends him spiraling more of than not. Zeff is actually concerned about how Sanji's reaction to women slapping him. Sanji will fight back after a few hits but his preference for not fighting women is huge and he's more trying to calm them down and please them than argue or fight back. He looks afraid more often than not and when women do compliment him he doesn't believe them, not that he believes a lot of people at first but with the men he believes eventually, but he never believes the women who compliment his food. It's like he's afraid of women. He fawns for over them but flinches away from them, no matter what the crew does to make him more confident with women there's just something lying underneath the surface and they don't know what.

When Sanji joins the Strawhat crew and after Arlong Park, Nami notices he's wary around her and starts taking it personally until she notices it's just every woman he's like that with. Vivi, the vendors, every woman. Her and the other boys are already dating at this point and they're debating on the best way to approach the subject. Sanji doesn't seem like he'll be that receptive to a conversation about it, he noticeably tenses when Vivi calls out to them before relaxing and then flinches when Robin makes her presence known. But she acts differently towards Sanji, she offers small smiles and plain words, not praise though nor does she demand anything from him. Robin eases Sanji's tension with women, it looks so easy for them to be around each other but she moves slow and announces her presence in a quiet tone. When they ask Robin about it she only smiles in answer and walks away. Sanji starts dating the rest of the East Blue crew after Ennies Lobby, he's calmer and the crew protective, at least one person is always with him it seems. He tries not to flinch when Nami moves to fast towards him and apologizes when he does. But he does that for everyone, but his partners especially. There's just something they can't quite place what happened.

Until after the timeskip and WCI happens. When the rescue team meets Reiju and Yonji they wish them luck in saving the failure, Reiju has a sickly sweet smile that's all saccharine and she and Yonji laugh about how it's unlikely Sanji will be alive as they leave and the crew is confused and scared. Like it's some sort of joke, Sanji's life is a joke. Of course Reiju is also watching her brothers beat the failure up and not helping, she jokes about poisoning him and threatens to take him away so the cuffs will explode his hands, says she'll say she found him running. Sanji can just feel everything like he's a child all over again, the pain, the words, the hurt of his family not loving him over and over again almost as bad as it was. Then he hears Pudding and Reiju talk about killing him and they're laughing at him and Sanji gives up, goes to find his captain who he beat the shit out of and is just....crying and sobbing. Nami and Luffy are concerned about what's going on but they'll deal with everything after they save Sanji, when they reunite with the other two. Sanji still insists on saving them and Luffy and Nami don't like it but do as he wishes. During the escape Sanji is worried about his hands when Reiju points out he was a fun toy but the cuffs are fake, they won't take his hands. It was just more fun to make him think they would.

"Maybe if you weren't so emotional it wouldn't be so fun." Reiju smiles at him.

"So what if I am? You all never cared about me at all!" Sanji yells back with a broken voice.

"I don't know why anyone would, you're just a failure. Loving you seems exceptionally difficult, but what would I know?" Reiju laughs.

"You did when we were kids. Until-"

"No, I didn't." Reiju cuts him off. "You're a toy, Sanji. Nothing more, but all the less." Reiju waves off as she leaves and everyone is appalled at what was said. Nami and Luffy are holding Sanji is trying to be brave for them. When they make it to Wano Luffy runs and finds their partners and starts telling them about Reiju and Judge and how awful they were to Sanji and Usopp points out that it explains a lot about Sanji. Zoro is seething and says he should have been there, because he and Usopp are hearing only what Luffy and Nami heard not anything from Sanji. Sanji seems to be trying to avoid the topic of conversation for the most part and they can't exactly stick together in Wano so that makes it ten times worse for Zoro who can't exactly get information from the cook until after he wakes up from the raid. The cook is buried in a cuddle puddle and Usopp is telling his wild stories to try to ease the tension as he combs through Sanji's hair and Zoro is growling about going to kill his birth family.

[noemitenshi]

Troy Otto and boundaries

so, here’s another rambly post coming from me. Over the years (omg! It’s already been years!) I’ve had a lot of thoughts about Troy and how he treats boundaries of others but also his own (both kinda like they were non-existent – or did he?)

Troy and other people’s boundaries

I think it’s clear, pretty much without debate that Troy just loves to step over boundaries, deliberately pushing against them. He does this with everyone (except maybe his dad) and he knows very very well what it is he’s doing.

One of the best scenes is unfortunately the deleted one with Luciana and him. I love that one, you can see the sheer delight in him about pushing her and saying more and more outrageous things

and then! She pushes back and he fucking loves it (also woops, that’s a point I wanted to come to a bit later…)

(Unfortunately this one doesn't show his expression... but don't take my word for it, watch the youtube video XD)

Anyway he pushes and I think there’s different reasons why he does so.

Information/insight. Troy loves to know things. Things about people around him, definitely. I think it has a lot to do with his childhood (actually you’ll see that’s a theme throughout all the reasons I’ve listed, except for: it’s fun). He grew up in a very unsafe environment, very unsteady for him (he never knew what could upset his parents right since that’s kind of how child abuse works…). And so knowing as much about what set them off, knowing as much as he could about their inner workings was crucial. And so he did it. And he never stopped doing that with people, trying to know what sets them off, how far he can go, what is far enough, and what happens if he goes too far.

Upper hand. Again I think this is rooted in how he grew up. That unstable environment, the feeling he never was safe translated to him needing to be in control, having the upper hand. And he does that by unbalancing his opponent, very deliberately. Put them in an unsafe space or at least one that’s uncomfortable so it doesn’t happen to him. So they are focused on getting out of that, and he is safe.

Trauma-response (isn’t it all?). I think there are two parts here.

The one is again about him having felt unsafe so long throughout his childhood that he expects that to happen. But no one wants to be a victim. No one wants to just sit around and let things be done to them. Least of all Troy. So if he has to feel unsafe he much rather be in control of that. He much rather put himself in those situations instead of being put into them by others. And that’s what he does, pushing and pushing knowing full well people could push back. Could have enough of him at one point.

And that’s the other thing. I think he wants people to push back. He wants people to say ‘up to here and no farther, you hear me!?’ Because he does cave when people do. When Jake does he backs down at least a little. When Madison does he backs down too. Never easily and he may try again. But for the moment he does. I think he needs the structure of that. Of other people consistently(!!!) telling him where the boundaries are. He also never had that, it was always arbitrary. And he’s searching for something to make sense to him, for something that will click. And for people to not be afraid to tell him that (which, from what it looks like, a lot of the ranch people are). To care enough maybe in a way even, to tell him, so that it makes sense. I even do think that someone expressing boundaries may even be like a trust thing for him (depending on how it’s done of course haha, tone matters. Words too (looking at you, Jake)). By that I mean that he feels like he is trusted by that person. Some kind of sign of affection, even.

It’s fun. Do I really have to explain that XD

He low-key has a deathwish. That’s a whole other post.

Troy and his own boundaries.

Now, Troy is as bad let’s say at keeping/protecting his own boundaries as he is respecting the others’.

He lets Jake push him around (ok except for that one time he hit Jake,

but, notably, it had been about the ranch then, about people leaving it scaring the ones left behind. It’s also this that makes him tell Mike to “Lock it down.” in ep6

The desire to protect the ranch and the same for when he tells Madison 'shut up, shut up.'

It's about the mission, it's about his people following him and that is why he speaks up), he let’s Madison push him around. Even Nick. Awfully ok with people waving guns in his faces or otherwise threatening him.

And, you guessed it, I do think this also is rooted in his childhood. He never had been allowed to have boundaries, there was no respect for them there (both physical and emotional abuse will do that to a person). And so he never really learned how to protect them (or that it was ok to do so). Possibly the only time he actually is defending his boundaries is when he gets angry (out of control) and then it is in no way an adequate response but way over the top.

But the fact that he doesn’t respect his own boundaries isn’t only manifesting in how he let’s other people physical or verbally push him around (dismissing his insights, too). It’s also notable in the way he takes to Madison. He’s all in, very early on, just breezing through normal steps of building a relationship, no caution. This is something that can also result from having one’s own boundaries ignored from very early on, an abnormal behavior let's say in forming attachments.

And he does the same with Nick. “I think we can be friends now” he said to him the second he thought Nick was worth it XD Worth which Nick proved by… waving a gun in his face (there’s that deathwish again, his fascination with danger…)

In conclusion Troy Otto's boundary issues are mostly rooted in trauma. It's a way to protect himself but at the same time a search (honestly a cry by this time) for someone to set boundaries. Consistently and respectfully. And maybe even a cry for someone to respect his own boundaries but I think that one is buried even further in him. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

[queer-nervous-wolf]

Watched I Saw the Tv Glow and jfc I need 3-5 business days to process and after that watch it 10 more times. I think it can be read in many different lights and be a allegory to lots of different things. Being the weird kid, being neurodivergent, especially autistic, being queer, gay, being trans being nonbinary being so so mentally ill and different symptoms of mental disorders and trauma.

Long rambles under the keep reading, Spoilers

Do you want to interpret it as more "literal" ok so owen has to go back to save himself (still very trans no matter what obv) somehow they've been transported to hellish 'realistic" world and are dying in their graves while plugged into the lunar matrix. You have to wake up.

Maddy was actually not doing mentally well, experiencing delusions, massive disassociation that her and owen shared. Owen disassociating most of his life. Finding safety in the made up world. Finding safety and peace in dying. Mental breakdowns. Only way to be free is to be in a grave. Shared delusions. Shared experiencing some mental illness that is only treated as bad or hurt by ones who should help you. Different scenes could be interpretation as suicide attempts. ( To be completely honest when Owen has the box cutter I genuinely thought he was "freeing and seeing" himself finally but it was gonna cut to his coworker finding his dead bleeding body. Glad it wasn't that.)

Feeling like you dont belong for whatever reason (queer, trans, neurodivergent, traumatized) (for me personally this is a very autistic fear/experience) so you sink into a made up world with another weird person. They are the only one who gets it. Your reality is shoved In your face (your mom dies). The show ends. Your friend disappears/moves/dies. You are alone. You are weird. You go through the motions but nothing feels right, real, you are suffocating. You are trying so hard to mask but you can't do it right. Your friend shows up and tells you that your can make your life as good as when you were watching your favorite show. Your life can be that happy, that show. But it's gonna hurt and there's gonna be a lot of change and uncertainty. You're to scared, you choose to stay in the hell you know, to scared about the unknown and uncertain. You do nothing because you are so scared of doing something. Have opportunities past you? Could you have been happier? Can you be happier? You have to move to find out. Change is the most terrifying part. Why can't you just take a step forward? You are suffering where you are but changing is scary you are frozen. You're suffocating to death, your heart is cold and scared. Could you have been happier already if you had done something earlier? Is there any point? Both edges of the sword are digging into you. You finally snap and realize you want something to change. Now you just have to do it.

Being trans. I interpreted the scene where Maddy invited Owen to run away with her it's also inviting him to come out of the closet. He's so fucking scared. He cleans his skin raw and hides himself. He continues playing the boy role given to him. Maddy was reborn but it fucking hurt getting to the point where she's at now. And now she's come back for him. For Isabel. Open your eyes. He views him trying on a dress, being Isabel something as a silly things kids do, as fake as the show. His dad tells him that show is a girl show. His dad dies and now he "has to become a real man" jfc he's killing himself. Looks back at his childhood and thinks how childish he was to dress/act like a girl. He had a family he's happy (he's playing the man role as best he can. This is what is expected right?) He is surrounded by coworkers and kids and he realizes he can't fucking do this anymore. He's dying like this. He will die if nothing happens.

There is still time

He finally looks inside himself. He sees more then a empty hole. There is something. He hasn't lost everything. He is still so apologetic to others, apologizing for his existence especially because it's "complicated" and not fitting the role. But there's hope. It doesn't matter how old he is. Maybe he will bury himself and crawl out of the ground as Isabel. Maybe Tara will be there. Maybe he'll finally able to breathe, to find his heart. He's made a first step.

[beevean]

While I know Andrew is not perfect, a lot of people are swinging the other pendulum and acting like he's just as evil as Ashley if not more and the real abusive one of the situation or outright downplaying any nice trait he has (or any justified reason for why he acts the way he does)

Like, even if avoiding the consequences of his actions is a primary motivator, he really did feel bad about Killing her as well as Ashley's nonchalant reaction to it and the fact she used Nina's death to blackmail him, most of the venomous words for her are because said death and what she forced him into (which likely carries to how he treats her in high modern day)

Also the fact he knows what guilt w

I've been marinating in TCOAAL analyses, and the takes on both characters are fascinating.

My take is that Ashley is immoral, while Andrew is amoral. There is a difference between the two. The conflict comes from the fact that Andrew is aware of this, he's aware that it's "wrong", and tries very hard to be Ashley's moral compass to compensate. Ashley, ever since she was a kid, was made painfully aware that there was something "wrong" with her, no one except her brother loved her (and even then, who said that he wasn't pretending?), and her reaction was to embrace it.

(I'd really love to talk about their childhood, how Leyley displays behavior that she could have only learned from others, how they seem to have learned the lesson that "bad children don't deserve love" and how they cope with it)

The crux of the matter seems to be... did Andy really feel bad about Nina, or was his primary concern going to jail and being separated from Leyley? Is the trauma that stemmed from the incident from the feeling of guilt and remorse, or because that was the point where he became his sister's plaything and could not escape from her anymore? This seems, from what I've seen, what split the fans.

Rewatching the scene, Andy's first coherent dialogue is all about how the situation looks. "Why would have she clawed the lid if she was there willingly?" "She'll start to rot" "They're gonna know!". This once again hints at how Andy's first concern is "can this be traced back to us?". But to be fair, Leyley was the one who first said "you took off the stick, so it looks like she went there willingly", so he's responding to her.

But then he says "they'll throw me in prison for the rest of my life!" Which is very. Mh :)

Interpretation 1: Andy is being as self-centered as kids are prone to be. Nothing more to look into.

Interpretation 2: Andy only cares about himself and the consequences he's going to suffer. His sister's fate is up in the air. Lowkey implies that Andy didn't care much about her before this mess happened.

Interpretation 3: he genuinely thinks he's the main culprit of this incident. I want to add that this line happens before Leyley starts to hammer into his head that now he's bad and no one will love him anymore :) this would imply that Andy felt actual guilt.

There is probably not a concrete answer as of now. I hope episode 3 has more flashbacks because man they are so fascinating.

Anyway, to get back to the point. Andrew is not "evil". Andrew is a profoundly damaged person who was forced to become the everything of his even more damaged sister. Ashley is the "criminal mind", as it were... but to me, it looks like Andrew is on the same wavelength - remember, Ashley mused to herself that the dead neighbour was "a lot of meat", but Andrew, after the initial shock, immediately started to consider the implicit proposal of eating him. While Ashley wears her heart on her sleeve, is painfully honest, and couldn't care less about what anyone (except her bro) thinks of her anymore, Andrew is profoundly in denial about his own "abnormal" thoughts, and the difference between Decay and Burial is how he decides to accept himself.

Does that make him a better person? Well, he seems to be able to fit in more, at least. He's charming and can seemingly attract girls very easily, much to Ashley's chagrin. Maybe, without Ashley, he'd be able to live a normal life without crimes and all. But again, to me it looks like he lacks a moral compass in general, even though he has a strong sense of guilt and responsibility (which to me stems from being Leyley's sole caretaker since a tender age).

As to him being an abuser... well, he does threaten to slap and backhand Ashley a few times. She even calls him "wifebeater" at one point. Not enough to call him an abuser, but the threat of him becoming physical is always there. He's more than capable of subduing Ashley, when he wants to. Ashley's abuse is much more overt and constant, with her manipulation and guilttrips (and she got physical at least once too), but Andrew calmly choking Ashley and making her make a case for her life... has some implications.

I don't think I'm making sense lol. TCOAAL is a fascinating game that hides all sorts of moral questions underneath its over-the-top tone, and I love it.

[dozing-marshmallow]

If requests are open... Chris and reader watching Heathers the original release together?

Ooo! I haven’t actually watched it until today, and it was worth the watch! I hope you have a good time reading this as I did watching the film! This took me the entire day to write since there was so many good scenes to choose from.🥲

Spoiler warning to those who haven’t seen it!

WATCHING HEATHERS: ORIGINAL RELEASE WITH CHRIS MCLEAN

“Yo Chris.” You approached him one evening,“You wanna watch a fun nostalgic movie that involves childhood trauma as a plot point, the idiocy of teenagers in love and girl power?”

“As innnn?”

“Heathers!”

He recognised the film, but his response didn’t demonstrate that,“You know I can never see that name the same way after meeting Heather.”

You knew it wouldn’t,“I don’t think anyone can, but lucky for us, this film isn’t about her.”

“Of course it isn’t, no one with a brain would centre a movie around something like her.”

“Chriiiis.” You pout, setting the disc into the DVD player. You weren’t on tv so there was no need for him to be so destructive.

“What? Can’t I tell the truth?” He asks in a sassy manner,“Producers don’t want someone controversial leading their movie, the public would tear it down before it’s even released! Then again, it is a good way to ensure people will watch, even if it’s not for the reason they were hoping for.”

The film opens with a blonde girl tying her hair back in a red scrunchie with a feminine song elegantly lacing the girls’ beauty and image. The clothes, the hair, the camera quality pull Chris in to reminisce.

“I remember those times! All the gals loved keeping their hair fluffy and in scrunchies!” A shot of the girls stepping on the flowers brings him to ponder,“Can’t remember if they loved mallets though.” 

“I thought they would have the colour coded everything.”

“What do you mean?”

You explained,“As in, they were gonna wear the same thing just in their colour, and have their hairstyles identical too.”

“Ohh, yeah, I think that was in the musical.” He recalled,“Speaking of which, if I end up liking this movie, we’ll totally go watch that too.”

Hearing that potential chance to see it made your heart skip a beat, disguising it with,“It’s crazy coincidence that all three of these girls happened to be named Heather.”

“I for one hope they end up like Heather.” So in other words, he wanted them to suffer tremendously.

You’re introduced to the sore thumb protagonist, Veronica, who was being ordered by red Heather to forge hot and horny, but realistically low-key note Kurt’s handwriting and we’ll slip it onto Martha Dumptruck’s lunch tray. The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

Chris’ eyes ran corner to corner,“How did she say that with a straight face?”

“Welll it’s clearly not their first ploy, and you’ll be surprised to know that’s how teenage girls talk.”

“I have experience, (Y/N).”

The camera pans on an unconventionally attractive girl in sweatpants and a pink hoodie getting her lunch tray. Must’ve been the Martha the girls were planning on upsetting.

“Beth? I didn’t know she was in this film.” Chris chirped.

Your mouth drops at his attempt to slander another one of his contestants,“Chris, you know that’s not Beth! Beth has longer hair and she wears glasses!”

“Scissors and contacts exist, (Y/N).” He pats your back, treating you like a simpleton,“Wouldn’t be surprised if she did them herself for the film.”

Heather pulled Veronica with her on a poll protocol, featuring a question about five million dollars given two days before an alien explosion. She began the poll by a table with a girl named Courtney sitting there.

“Oh, great.” Chris groans,“It’s already a nightmare that three girls are named Heather, now there’s someone called Courtney? Who’s next, Harold?”

“Huh? Chris, Harold is a complete anomaly with Heather and Courtney. I thought you were going to say someone like Tyler.”

“My badd.”

There was a montage of teens from different cliques having individual screen time to answer Heather number one’s question.

“This scene has to mean something, right? I am betting you a hundred bucks that these question protocols are some sort of motif and have a deeper meaning.” Chris confidentially proposes.

“Alright.” It was pointless, but whatever made him happy.

“Uh.” He pauses the movie,“You’re supposed to hedge now.”

“What?”

“Y’know, if I end up being right, you give me a hundred dollars instead.”

What is this man on,“No? If you end up being right, you get to keep your hundred bucks.”

“But whyy? Come on (Y/NN)...it’ll be fun! Live a little.” He rested his head on your shoulder. If that was meant to convince you, it backfired.

“I’m good.”

“Booo! You’re boring! Bo-ring!”

“Chris, a hundred dollars doesn’t even equate to a dollar in your eyes, why are you so bothered?”

The movie focuses on Martha again, clearly in a trance from the letter she was misled into believing was written by her presumed crush. Chris waved at the screen,“Hi Beth!” As music in the background played, with the enhancement of a woman breathing like she was having an orgasm.

You pre-flinched at the motion of Martha getting up and appearing to be walking over to the Jock table, forged letter in hand, anticipating the next few seconds to be nothing, but ripping insults and a confused girl with her heart broken, returning sulkily to her table in confusion and tears. Meanwhile, Chris was sitting up in his seat, smiling.

And your guess was correct: the second that guy, Kurt saw the letter, the dreamy music was replaced by a jagged cruelty of laughter escaping him as he passed the letter to his mate, where he also started laughing. The Heathers were gracefully infected by it too and so was Chris. Feeling humiliated, Martha stomps out of the cafeteria.

“Oh dear. Poor girl.” You verbalise your pity, leaning more towards Veronica’s reaction.

“She’ll be fine.” Chris coughs,“As far as Beth knows, he’s just trying to deny how much he loves her.”

You don’t try scolding him anymore,“Let’s hope she doesn’t turn out to be a yandere.”

“A what now?”

The guy you and Chris questioned the relevance of was revealed to be named Jason Dean. You didn’t pay attention to the problem those jocks had with him, but you couldn’t connect the reason to the utterly random choice on Jason’s part to take a gun out and fire it. Twice.

“What the hell!” You exclaimed.

“What’s the big deal? I do that all the time.” Your boyfriend shrugs lightly.

“Not funny.”

It transitions back to the scenery the Heathers were in the beginning, with their mallets, their balls, the grass and statues.

“God they won’t expel him, they’ll just suspend him for a week or something.” The one in yellow claimed.

“He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.” The leader Heather levelled more logically.

“So it actually happened?” You thought aloud, seeing that Veronica was now not only on the same ground as the others; she possessed her own mallet in blue,“In the beginning, I thought this was place was meant to be a metaphor.”

“A metaphor for what, (Y/N)?”

“...Sisterhood?”

He shakes his head in disapproval.

No way, they were actually plotting on killing Heather Chandler- After the disastrous party at Remington university where Veronica blows it and potentially foreshadows the bad dust forming between her and the rest of the Heathers, Jason crawls in through her window and stayed the night with her, topless. In the morning, they mixed something together with cleaning liquid and orange juice to bring for Heather, Jason’s “family recipe” for her hangover.

After indirect peer pressure, Heather takes the cup from Jason and right after consuming it, the damage instantly kicks in. To Heather’s horror, her gagging became more and more tyrannical to the point of her clasping her hands around her neck and gluing her eyes shut. She wheezes out an incoherent statement, before she falls face first unexpectedly into her glass table, motionless pink robed body landing on a bed of broken glass shards and her flowers, magazines.

Where that scene was meant to be silent, Chris revived an equal reaction of Kurt’s in the beginning- Hilarity.

You were still processing it. You didn’t think they would kill the leader off so early. You thought it would be one of those things where the protagonist would have started off with the lower ranks, saving the leader for last. Not in this story.

“Ahahaha!” In your partner’s fit, he shakily grabs the remote,“I’ve...I’ve got to see it again!”

He rewinded it a few seconds back. Since he knew what was going to happen, his relentless laughter ran in prematurely and lasted longer.

“Chris, come on.”

“One more- one more time.” He repeated, readying to hold onto his stomach again.

You rewatch Heather fall into the glass table. How did he not get bored? 

He rewinded it again.

That’s where your patience ran too,“Enough, Chris!” You asserted, trying to grab the remote from him.

He still had that large smile on his face as he holds it away from you,“Wait (Y/N), maybe she won’t fall down this time.” You both know that’s not possible, as she disproves his statement for the fourth time,“Nope!”

“Can we move on now please?” You screech.

“Augh, fine! Let’s have it your way then.” He throws the remote to the floor and latches his arms folding,“Remind me to never watch anything with you again.”

“I won’t.”

“Uh uh...” Chris chuckled, watching the note Veronica forged as Heather’s suicide note be present in the teacher’s hand to be shared around the class so they can “feel its pathetic beauty for yourself”.

“Isn’t that like...a major piece of evidence at the crime scene though? How did she get a hold of it?” You were thinking too deeply about it.

“I don’t know dude, but it seems that no one really liked Heather to take her death personally.” His enthusiasm profound,“Isn’t that similar to the situation for our Heather? Chick was so despicable, her own parents wanted her gone!”

“Do you see how everyone else is dressed in black and she came in navy?” You pointed out Veronica’s standing out funeral attire.

“I’d have done the same.” Chris retorted,“You won’t get a dime of respect from me.”

You scoffed at the prayers Heather’s guests made over her death bed, most of them not even being about her,“The amount of disrespect at her own funeral.”

“Could never be me. The world would die with me.” Of course Chris needed a time of the movie to stroke his ego.

Two days after an atrocious “double date”, Kurt and Ram were coming to school early  for some promised fun with Veronica; in reality, they were going to mask a double suicide. They? Why, yes! Jason was waiting behind a tree, with his gun loaded and the two notes Veronica forged the night before, confessing their dying sorrow of the love they felt for each other, that could never be revealed to an uncaring and ununderstanding world.

“Hi Veronica.” Speaking of the devils, they had smugly arrived to the told meeting spot, behind the school.

Chris rubs his hands together deviously, the performing girl requesting them to strip,“Ooo here we go!”

“You do know she’s not actually going to-“

“I know (Y/N), I wasn’t talking about that. I was referring to the part where their bodies fall to the ground helplessly in blood. What kinda sicko do you take me for to think I’d want to see high schoolers have a sword fight with their dicks?” God, he was actually offended.

“Sorry.”

“You’re forgiven.”

“I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me sport.” Veronica flirtatiously played.

“Girl’s got serious game!”

“She’d have to, to be able to fool those guys.” 

Baam! After Jason’s chasing steps terrified Kurt to return back to where he once successfully fled from, Veronica finally pulled the trigger to send his nearly naked body falling to the ground. Despite Chris getting what he wanted, he was unamused,“So he had enough sense to run the first time, but was paralysed the second time? Seriously? She didn’t even have the gun ready!”

“One more dead body to add to your collection.” Gruesome words, but it cheered him up.

Unnecessary to inform, but they were real killer bullets used on Kurt and Ram that day. When Veronica wrapped her head around it, Chris made it known that he took much pleasure in her screaming at her boyfriend in his car that she never wanted to kill them, while he was trying to unveil the intention that she did. The start of their crumbling relationship.

You shake your head in disbelief when the movie cut to their funeral and how their corpses wore football helmets.

Who names their child Kurt or Ram...?

“It was chaos, fucking chaos!” Veronica ranted, distressed from the next day event that happened in school. It was bad enough that teacher Pauline was attempting to use the second tragedy that week to liven things up as a positive thing, it was broadcasted.

“What are you talking about, huh? I mean today was great! Chaos is great. Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.”

“I like him. He gets it!” Chris too acknowledged the similarity he held with the male protagonist.

He started laughing from shock when he blew up his radio with his gun. That was the breaking point for Veronica to furiously get up and declare the end of their relationship.

...You know when you’re uneasy seeing something, but your mind forces you to keep watching to see the end of it? That’s what was happening to Chris when Jason grabbed Veronica back down and tried to convince her to stay by forcefully kissing her.

“Oh jeez...I am highly uncomfortable.” Chris lets out, turning his head away from the screen.

At least Jason could manipulate Heather Duke into taking the place of leader to carry out some petition (which Chris bragged that he knew the poll in the beginning would be significant to the plot) that would need all students to sign. After failing to persuade Veronica though, Heather leaves, not before taking pride in how ruthless she’s become.

“You know, I really love the colour symbolism here. That one started off as jealous of the first Heather’s power, so she wore green, cuz green is like a symbol for envy, and now that she’s embodied Heather Chandler’s position, her change of colour to red symbolises how her character developed for the worst.”

“Good observation.�� The closest Chris will get to complimenting you.

Out of nowhere, Jason descends from the stairs, in his signature waistcoat.

“He’s back.”

“Or rather, she’s back.” Chris appropriately clarified as Jason took Veronica into his arms, fooling you into believing they were rejoining as a couple.

“So... Are they back together?” The second Chris asked that, Veronica hastily rejected his embrace and stood her ground otherwise,“Haha, guess not.”

Chris huffed in annoyance when Jason kneeled by Veronica’s bed, with Moby Dick in his hand.

“I’m super confused, do you like this guy or not?” You called out on him, not noticing you were taking some of his annoyance as yours.

“I do! But it’s nagging me that he’s everywhere!”

After snatching the largest kitchen knife you’ve ever seen, Jason sprinted to Heather Duke’s room where said girl was asleep in her bed and locked the door shut to prevent any witnesses (i.e. Veronica) from interrupting his ploy.

“That’s why you don’t leave your bedroom door open at night!” Chris raised his voice at the tv like the characters could hear him.

By this point, the priest is fed up with leading these constant funerals for popular teens. No one was taking it seriously anymore either- Hell, the guests were wearing lab coats and 3D glasses.

“Out of all the death beds, I think I’d rather die in her one.” Chris trivialised her funeral with his liking to her unusual coffin of a replica of green gunk in a bathtub.

Veronica stands at the back of the ceremony, a Heather dressed in all black joins her. It wasn’t until she sneered about the smaller number of people at this Heather’s funeral that you’re alerted it’s the former leader Heather.

“Plot twist!” Chris declares, downing his entire glass of wine.

“No way...” You’re stunned,“Do you think she actually survived or Veronica’s hallucinating?”

“No idea.”

Turns out it was all dream.

“Oh good because she can’t be going to sleep in tights.” All that Chris was concerned about, Veronica writing her last entry.

“She’s dead!?” Chris regurgitated on his popcorn at the sight of Veronica’s body hanging from the ceiling,“Duuuude! I thought she’d have main character armour!”

You yell when Jason theatrically talks like his ex girlfriend could see,“Look at how he’s reacting to it! He’s acting like she’s not dead! Deraaaanged!”

“That’s probably the most relatable scene yet.”

You flip your head to him,“Sorry?”

“Ohhh listen listen, he’s going to take right after his old man!” Someone regained their composure,”Blowing up the school. Respect. Only so little of us could pull that off.”

“No, what did you say just then?” You probed him, refusing to let him off the hook so easily.

“Huh? That Veronica’s dead?”

“After that.”

“...He’s going to blow up the school?” You can’t tell if Chris genuinely forgot or was playing dumb, but never mind, you lost motivation to interrogate further. Attention is his life source.

Jason reads and reveals,“We students of Westerberg High will die today, our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest to a society that degrades us.”

“So the entire time, they were signing up to die?”

“Sound familiar?”

“You’re kidding. So he went through the difficulty of planting the bombs in the boiler room, just to blow himself up outside the school?” 

He’ll finally be with mommy. Chris’ whining disappointment didn’t stop an ashy, bleeding, wild haired Veronica(who by the miracle of God didn’t actually die that scene) to go back inside, like she didn’t witness her crazy ex kill himself moments ago. She stumbles upon Martha, in a wheelchair and as the rest of the school leaves, the both of them decide to stay together, inside, smiling, marking an implication that they may bloom into something tender.

What a bittersweet hour and forty three minutes.

“Oh! That’s it. Well... That was dark.” Chris firstly begins his thoughts by underlining the conspicuous theme of the movie,“No joke, it was really messed up. But you know my vibe.” He sniffled, flicking a teardrop from his eye,“I loved it! See, this is a perfect example as to why the eighties were the best! You don’t get a lot of dark colourful movies like these nowadays, everybody’s so boring and sensitive and unoriginal.”

You added onto that, from another aspect,“I think we were desensitised to a lot of things that happened though. Still can’t get over how Veronica’s mom thought she’d off herself because she couldn’t get some job at the mall.”

He sighs,“What can I say? We were bound to see it one way or another. A fine film that shows a stupid world that’s still accurate today.” That pessimism didn’t go well with Chris gaining satisfaction from stretching his stiff arms out,“Overall, it was sick! Ten outta ten, would watch again. It just feels a tad bit weird watching it all happen as a grown man. I would literally close my eyes at some points, and every time, I would be confused if it was still the movie playing, or if you switched it to Total Drama.”

On the topic of his show...“When you think about it, Jason is the alternative Trent and Veronica is the alternative Gwen.”

Lightbulb moment. Uh oh.

(Sorry if it feels incomplete, there was a lot of things I had to take out to avoid it being too lengthy 😞 If anyone’s interested, though, I’ll publish some of the things that didn’t make the final post, but would have been great to have :))

[ridiasfangirlings]

yata dating toxic ppl pre-s1/post betrayal

I’m imagining this as Yata trying in a very bad way to process Fushimi’s betrayal and his feelings for Fushimi, by dating people who are basically the very worst parts of Fushimi and internalizing that well if this can be love then maybe whatever the fuck Saruhiko’s doing is love too. Like right after Fushimi leaves there’s obviously a big void there for Yata and even though he has the rest of Homra it’s not quite the same. Particularly in this case just the fact that the rest of Homra has their ‘duos,’ Akagi and Bandou, Chitose and Dewa, Eric and Fujishima, and even the Homra trio as a group, and yet Yata’s partner is gone. He has Kamamoto as a trusted friend but that’s also something different, like Yata thinks of Kamamoto as a friend but not a partner, not someone who’s like the most important over everyone else, and that’s a void he can’t ignore.

At some point he’s convinced that well maybe if you went on a date that would help and Yata decides to give it a shot. I could see Yata not even being aware that he’s ending up with all these toxic people too, like especially with the way Fushimi treats him post-betrayal Yata keeps telling himself that even if this person isn’t perfect there has to be something there. I could see him ending up with a lot of partners who have similarities to Fushimi but without the profound mental illness and childhood trauma, like people who are more manipulative and purposefully playing on Yata’s fear of being alone to get him to stay with them, always putting him down and calling him stupid but then acting needy and upset if he tries to leave. Yata keeps putting it on himself when things go wrong, that he must have messed up somewhere, he must have missed something — missed something again, because he’s so desperate not to make the same mistake he made with Saruhiko, but he doesn’t know what that mistake was, or even if it was his fault to begin with.

Obviously Homra is aware of all this too and I could see them trying in their own way to get Yata to realize what’s going on and look for a more healthy relationship. Definitely if it starts spiraling into really clear abuse I don’t see Homra standing for that. While I think on the one hand they’d be aware that this is Yata’s personal life and he needs to recognize what’s happening on the other I just can’t see the Homra trio sitting around and letting some rando continually fuck with Yata’s feelings and self esteem. I also wonder if Fushimi would step in here, not because he, like, cares about Yata or anything, but more that it’s his job to break Yata’s heart and haunt his thoughts and how dare anyone else step in when Misaki’s hate belongs entirely to him (and Fushimi at least in his own way is more honest with how he treats Yata, in that while his actual feelings are more complex what Fushimi transmits to Yata is always that this hate, while the people Yata’s dating try to make it out to be love instead).

[blahbeble]

Posting this as well to before the new episode aires because he’s all I think about but just thoughts/theories on ???%

???% is a form of dissociation that Mob’s mind created when he was young to help his developing mind cope with overwhelming trauma and emotions he experienced when he accidentally hurt Ritsu and truly realized what power his powers held. He was unable to process it on its on so it creates something to help dissociate from them and the memories that come with it. I think that's what's kinda happening here. In general I think his existence is something to protect Mob from both “himself” and others.

The way he activates is I think out of a need for absolute survival since he always activated when Mob was on the verge of dying (Teru choking him, Mogami fight, the car) The only exepction is the first time but I think it makes sense considering he was younger and the stakes felt higher to him on top of his emotions not being repressed back then so it's easier for his powers to go berserk/That was when ???% was birthed. It’s also something that protects him from “himself “ as mob is very much afraid of losing himself and hurting those around him and I think a lot of those what if's he's feared we've seen glimpses of. it’s essentially a being made of the darkest depths of his emotions but also I feel it’s also how he views those emotions. Terrifying and uncontrollable, a walking mindless weapon perhaps. I think I can point a lot to things that happened in season 2 that gives me this idea.

???% is definitely a part of Mob and idk I think its funny but I also like seeing how Broccoli arc Mob imagined himself as a gigachad but I think that's also going on here where he imagines himself as a horrible creature only capable of being a weapon. It's what he really thinks he is deep down. Considering that he's also treated a different person somewhat and while they're very much the same person I like to think its a manifestation of a different lens Mob's view this darkness. Because its something that is supposed to protect him I think some part of his mind sees it as someone to rely upon for help as because early Mob definitely relied on others a lot/a push over/a bit of a people pleaser in some ways so seeing all the dark parts of him that is also a manifestation of something his mind created to help protect him as another person he can “turn to for help” would be very interesting and I love seeing stories do this stuff. While he's grown a lot I think Mob definitely still struggles with confidence issues, self loathing issues, and also controlling his emotions and that's normal to deal with! He's grown up with it! When you supress your emotions it's normal for you to have trouble expressing yourself as well as understanding what those emotions are

that's why I kinda love how he doesnt understand why he likes Tsubomi. imo I think its a combination of him clinging onto an attachment and childhood crush he had when he was younger because of how lonely he grew up because that's when things were so much more normal/She was one of the first things that made him second guess what his powers mean to him by growing bored of them/his love for her is a feeling he feels like he can understand and actually express without hurting anyone.

Which is why its so important for Mob to face this side of himself and come to peace with it because it's how he views himself deep inside and he's wrong about that. It's why it's also gonna be so important to see Ritsu and Teru see this side of him again and still treat him like they always have and be very caring towards him and Reigen to see it and be super accepting. Mob needs to "forgive" himself to.

I wanna talk about how how mob psycho goes about the idea of forgiveness one day because instead of treating it as a bad person/person who did bad things atoning I feel like they make it more about improving yourself and more about the person hurt by those bad actions being able to move on and let go despite the pain and I think that idea is very nuanced and appreciated since I think the actual definition of forgiveness gets twisted a lot to something mroe shallow then it actually is and both these ideas tie super well to Mob's arc and he goes through both hence he needs to forgive himself

[butchviking]

could you elaborate on your idea of treating dysphoria with therapy. i guess you don't have it figured out yet because if you did you would've already therapied the dysphoria out of yourself. but like. what are your ideas? where do you think dysphoria comes from? how could one fix it with therapy? conversion therapy gets a bad rep, how different or similar is your idea of fixing dysphoria with therapy from the spooky idea people have of conversion therapy? anything else you want add

oh i sure the fuck don't have it figured out. i have no kind of education or training or qualifications in anything like that i am just another dysphoric dyke on the internet. i just wish anyone who IS in that field seemed 2 b listening lol

so im not aware of any standardised therapy to target dysphoria in any way, but ive known & heard from soooo many detrans/desisted/reidentified/etc women that therapy has either hugely helped w their dysphoria or in some cases they've been able to eliminate it entirely. a lot of the time ppl talk like dysphoria is smthn that is just ingrained into you as a person, something you're born with and something that - unless u transition - u will eventually die with. but that's not true! there are often very real causes that can be found out and dealt with. fr example a lot of women have identified the main cause of their dysphoria to be childhood trauma, often abuse and very often sexual abuse (it doesn't take a genius to figure out why this would lead to someone hating/resenting/feeling wrong in/being disgusted by their body. doesn't take a genius to figure out why they'd want to be male instead.) and i mean. listen talking with a group of women anyway there's usually a lot of trauma. but talking with a group of transmascs is like. jesus fucking christ there is so often so much awful shit that has happened to them. (in fact this def applies to transwomen too tbh, ive known a looot of transwomen w a history of sexual abuse. not as many as transmen but definitely higher than the general male population). physical abuse (or witnessing the physical abuse of a mother) can be another cause; that feeling of never wanting to be a scared helpless little girl again and wanting to be strong and able to defend yourself - things that are usually associated w men. these thoughts aren't usually conscious, its not like u think "i want to be a man bc i blame my body for what was done to me and i feel like if i could get out of my skin and be something more powerful i'd be safe and happy" - but thats what ppl often find out in therapy, and after coming 2 terms w that they find they don't have to take it out on themselves anymore and they manage to make peace with their body.

for a lot of women their dysphoria was caused by simple social restriction - ive no doubt in my mind that a huge reason for mine is not being able to be topless in public or have my shirt unbuttoned or jesus christ even just. just fucking EXIST without them having to be an ISSUE. i weaned myself off binding years ago and for a long time i managed 2 get to a place where i didnt even think abt my chest that much. and then some guy makes one comment abt how i never wear bras and its like. oh god i had tried to forget that you people can SEE them. and that sent me into a lil spiral for like a month lol 👍 pair that w going to mcr nj and forgetting to wear a bra the first night and finding my movement severely restricted due to not wanting my tits flying everywhere and i came back from that trip like. can someone just fuciing cut them off. (mcr PLEASE stop transing my gender im not strong enough...) (actually i was going to say that after that trip i wore a binder for the first time in years but i think im getting my timeline mixed up. i think that was before the show actually. bc i distinctly remember that i packed it for the trip 'just in case' and that was after i'd already worn it once around the house & once to a wedding) and obviously idk what the solution is for me there but i think a combination of therapy & lifestyle changes could help me get at least somewhere. i know that for other women lifestyle changes have been a huge factor - living & being around only women has been so healing fr a lot of detrans/dysphoric ladies & ive read some really moving things abt the impact going to womyns land has had fr some. misogyny in general can really wear down how u feel abt ur body over time, without u ever necessarily attributing your feelings to that. and when i say 'misogyny' im also including the simple existence of gender in that! to be born and to be separated into a category based on your body and to have that be something thats supposed to dictate how you live your entire life - you have a vagina so you have to wear this and act like this and people will have these expectations of u and you're limited by these restrictions and if you step out of line, if u dont do femininity or dont do it well enough, you will be punished. by god of course u grow to hate your body and your role in the world. of course u wish u could be a man and just fucking. live and breathe and exist without all these stupid fucking made-up rules & requirements! for a lot of ppl, recognising that & recognising that the problem doesn't lie with them, but with a society that made them feel that way, is huge. & after that realisation they can begin a process of forgiving their body. turning the blame out from where they've internalised it. & this is definitely why so many detrans/desisted/reidentified women get so hard into feminism. that's what brought me to radblr in the first place & started my own process of reidentification!

now obv i can't cover every possible cause of dysphoria here bc its as many & varied as ppl are. and listen im on mobile so i cant see how long this is but jesus christ i know it must be fucking long. and its still going to get much longer! so there is one last obvious cause of dysphoria that no-one likes to talk abt, but which is probably THE most concretely linked: being gay! for at LEAST hundreds of years (im sure there are some ladies around here who could attest to older sources tbh, it could be millenia for all i know) lesbians have written about feeling like they're a man's soul in a woman's body. sexual inversion theory was the default belief for how and why people were homosexual for a long, long time. and that theory is so completely alive and well. im not even going to say any more on this one. it's obvious and i think almost every single butch lesbian (& plenty of non-butch lesbians) feels this at SOME point. the proportion of homosexuals in the transgender population is definitely higher than in the general population. however even if ur het that can induce dysphoria too, cause u get ppl who say they don't want to date men as a woman, they want to do it as a man - which a lot of ppl put down to gay fetishisation but i don't think its all about that. i think its abt wanting to be on equal footing. so no-one is safe really!

ok. so what is the difference between this and conversion therapy. conversion therapy in my mind is smthn that seeks to 'correct' your behaviour/identity, rather than smthn with the goal of alleviating distress. like i don't think any of the stuff ive talked abt should b done w the goal of making someone not identify as trans anymore - idk identify how u want i guess. the identity isn't really the thing that matters. u don't even need to identify as trans in the first place for any of that stuff to b helpful - it's all abt lessening the distress u feel w ur own body. and the main thing 'trans conversion therapy' means 2 me is trying to force gender conformity on someone. like trying to get them to accept their assigned gender role. to get a gnc female who identifies as transmasc to ditch not only the identity but the gnc behaviours & presentation and accept their 'place' in the world as a woman. and gender (a word which to me is synonymous with the phrase 'gender roles' like they dont exist separately that is literally what gender is. its roles.) is my greatest enemy in the world FUCK gender and i don't ever ever think anyone should b forced to abide by it. i think it is the greatest evil on this planet. to me, the comparison of therapeutic dysphoria treatment to conversion therapy is like. say if someone was gay, and was severely distressed by being gay. they couldn't accept it and they hated it and they were depressed about it. this person would definitely benefit from therapy to help them ACCEPT the fact that they're gay and to help them feel comfortable with themselves about it. which is very very different from a 'therapy' which aims to make them not gay anymore. u know?

now im not going to pretend i know or even believe that everyone's dysphoria can be alleviated or erased with therapy. i have no idea how many ppl this would work for. maybe it would help 5% of ppl, maybe it would help 50%, or 95%. honest to god i have no idea. and sometimes figuring out the root causes of your dysphoria doesn't really do jack shit. there's a lot of things in my life i could point to that explain mine. but the trouble is that knowing that doesn't make it go away. it's a mental illness & it's as complicated & often stubborn as any other. chances are that therapy would help some ppl and not help others. and if u try it out & it doesn't help & u still think transition is the right path, then cool! if that's an informed choice and a medical risk/commitment you're willing to take then honestly i believe in giving ppl that right. but like i said the other day, the big thing is that without the OPTION of psychological treatment, there's really only the option of transition. well that's not tru actually, because some people do choose to simply live w their dysphoria, much as one might live w many other mental illnesses. i feel like that's also not an option spoken about often. u can actually just live with it. learn to manage it rather than try to cure it, let it ebb & flow. a lot of the time that will suck, but what mental illness doesn't? for many ppl, learning ways to manage & live w their dysphoria is a more sensible choice for their lifestyle than transition, which basically makes u a lifelong medical patient. for some ppl it's better than taking the health risks. sometimes u just gotta power thru.

anything else i want to add - yes, of course there is. there's a million things i could probably add. i could talk abt this for hours. actually i probably have bc i kept coming back 2 this on breaks at work so im sure ive put a couple of hrs into it by now. i didn't even mention eating disorders and how commonly comorbid they are w dysphoria; how it's all just different forms of body dysmorphia (but as many ppl have said, when an anorexic tells a doctor their body is wrong the doctor tell them no, your mind is wrong, and you need psychological treatment. not so with dysphoria.) the transwomen ive seen basically turn into plastic surgery addicts always seeking more and more changes bc they don't reach the end-point they'd imagined, where they're happy w their body now, bc the discomfort always came from inside their head and their body was never really the problem. the transmen who plan on just taking hormones but not getting top surgery, or vice versa, and then end up doing both AND getting phallo and often still finding themselves unsatisfied at the end. the unrealistic expectations people often have in the first place when starting transition, and the doctors who, instead of being realistic and helping patients to manage their expectations, promise the absolute world - leaving ppl completely mentally unprepared if things don’t go so well, where perhaps some therapy beforehand could have helped them accept what they’re getting into. the studies showing that although ppl REPORT being happier after transition, their life satisfaction scores on assessments aren't actually any higher than before. but i just got home and got to my computer and it turns out this reply is already. my god. over 2,000 words long. and holy shit even viewing it on desktop it’s enormous. so u gotta know when to quit i guess.

thank u so much for asking this. y’all know how much i love to talk abt this topic. i know everything is split into ‘sides’ on this sometimes, like it’s just some discourse, but it’s real people’s real lives and it’s so so important to me for everyone to see that. i want trans & dysphoric ppl to have more options, and to know about the options that they do have. there may not be any standardised dysphoria therapy but as i say, many women HAVE had life-changing results with other kinds of therapy, and there are many professionals out there who will absolutely work with you to the best of their ability if you want to get to the bottom of your dysphoria and come up with ways to lessen it or manage it. unfortunately, there are also many who will run for the hills because they don’t want to endanger their licence or reputation by being branded as conversion therapists. and i want feminists who see this as a solely political issue to see the humanity here and to recognise that dysphoria is a very real and often very debilitating mental illness that can’t always be cured by just explaining to someone that gender is made-up and bad. and no-one is a traitor to the female sex or an inherent misogynist for the choices they make to deal with that mental illness and live their happiest life.

and im. so sorry for all of ur dashboards. but hey, if u can scroll past 79 images per day of my chemical romance, then im sure u can scroll past this too if it’s of no interest to u. i hope not tho. if u read this all then god bless i am so thankful. everyone have a wonderful day <3 i am going to go have a nice big glass of mead bc it’s been a long night & all this thinking make hal head hurt. peace ✌️

[nemesisvortex]

Just read most of Kamisama Kiss, spoilers for Kamisama Kiss, Howl's Moving Castle, and Fruits Basket, Inuyasha, Romantic Killer beware

I need recommendations for stuff that's basically "It was you all along"

Sofie traveling back in time and telling Howl to come for her in Howl's Moving Castle

Nanami going back in time to save Tomoe and in the process of trying to keep the timeline how she thought it happened (him falling in love with Yukiji) she creates that and he falls in love with her

It was her all along

A non-time travel variant of this can be Tohru and Kyo from Fruit's Basket, especially with the bait and switch with the hat, but like, he knew and loved her all along (not immediately in Kyo's case, but he wanted to know her if I remember correctly)

I'm a sucker for all variants of lifelong companions

Childhood best-friends who lost touch and forgot about eachother only to reunite and fall in love all over again, memories slowly returning

one or both reincarnating and finding eachother again, Inuyasha was close but I disliked how they handled Kikyo and Kagome as reincarnations, it would've been nice if they had explored more of the fact that they're the same *soul* and what that means, as is, Kikyo is so horribly different from Kagome, vindictive, cold, etc etc, its hard to believe that they're kinda the same person, you can see it a little in how loud Kagome is, as like, an extreme version of Kikyo's quiet vindictiveness, but there's just too much dissonance between the two that it feels it was only a plot point for the drama + bonus damseling Kagome for a hot minute, which dont get me wrong, love a good damsel moment, but thats just when its done well, and I dont know if I can say Inuyasha handles its damseling well

A smaller variant of this was done really well in Romantic Killer, best show, where knowledge given at the end of the show recontextualizes everything before it into a micro "it was you all along", where every action Anzu did to avoid Kazuki and the whole romantic otome game plot line actually helped him and he found himself falling in love because of it, breaking his phone on accident when his trauma was acting up so he was able to briefly recover, and not pressing him on it, avoiding him (not treating him like a piece of meat) and standing up to girls who dont care about what HE wants

Yeah, stuff that recontextualizes things works really well for this I think, like Nanami making sasamochi for Tomoe when he was sick, and we see a brief flashback of someone making him sasamochi when he was a kid, and we learn later that it was also Nanami here and he was pretending to be a kid

His favorite food is sasamochi because Nanami made it, and Nanami made it because it was his favorite food, a closed loop

Side note: Kamisama Kiss has one of my favorite portrayals of time travel ever, it makes perfect sense, doesn't hurt your brain, and makes things 10x better by recontextualizing everything you thought you knew without breaking it

But yeah, this is a really long winded way of asking if anyone has recommendations for media that fulfills this particular niche, preferably without spoiling the good stuff if I choose to read it for myself, I used a lot of examples so hopefully that gets across what im looking for

I should probably do a breakdown of what I liked so much about Kamisama Kiss, I said a lot here, but yeah

"It was you all along"

gud stuff

[pine-tree-system]

Thinking about that last post I reblogged made me remember an older post that folks have forgotten about it. So rather than find it, I'm gonna rewrite it in my own words with my thoughts added to it.

(if anything, it'll be my interpretation of it and an encapsulation of how our system runs things. I wanna say the original post was made by @/system-of-a-feather but I could be wrong)

Littles won't always "act their age." Littles are not actual children. They are alters, a part of a whole identity that has been fractured off to cope with complex trauma via dissociation.

In our system, most of the littles embody parts of our childhood and that can include "pure, wholesome" parts. That can also include "unwholesome" parts, like sexual trauma or physical trauma. So you can expect their worldview to be a bit different from the average child. Hell, some littles will hold different perspectives of the SAME memory and will react accordingly.

We have littles who curse, watch Markiplier, read/watch things that are aimed at an older audience, make references to adult concepts, and some are even hypersexual. Yes, I know it's not pretty, especially when you picture an actual child. But guess what? They're not actual children. They're a reaction to trauma. So don't expect us to "react pretty."

For us, as an adult system, who is currently 24 years old, we cannot hide adult concepts from them. We can help them cope and stay safe, but all of them already know that the concepts exist. Especially when they're in the presence of our protectors and caretakers.

Now, while final fusion isn't our goal, some systems do have that goal. And to achieve that, you cannot hide these concepts from littles. I'm certain that if you do that, you'll only strengthen dissociative barriers, which is bad for recovery, final fusion or not. I mean think about it. How can you be fully fused while also sectioning off parts of your brain because you're treating those parts like actual children?

Littles are a case-by-case situation, just like all alters. They're people. They're not actual kids, but they're still people with a specific worldview. All we can do with ours is teach them that things are now safe and they don't have to be scared anymore. They can cope in ways that help them. They can be treated how they want to be treated. They're worthy of respect and love and deserve autonomy. They can grow up. (And if them growing up means not being a little anymore, then that's fine. But if they still wanna be a little who can act like a grownup when needed, that's also fine)

We do worry about them acting in ways that are immature and unhelpful but that is the same for many other alters in our system, little or not.

This also reminds me of age regression, which may not be the same for singlets, but for us, even during regression, we still understand adult concepts. We may interact with them or maybe we avoid them. It's situational! All that matters is making sure we're not fucking things up and that we're not doing things we'll regret. That includes making sure we are able to cope with triggers, should they happen, and avoid making decisions we KNOW we are not able to in the current state of mind.

All in all, do not expect littles to act like children and do not shame them for acting any differently than you expect them to. They are not physical kids, especially if the system they're a part of is not a child.

I would not expect a 40 year old alter in a physical body of an 18 year old to act their age. So I'm not gonna do the same for a little. It's case-by-case. It's up to the system, mainly the protectors and caretakers, to decide.

Our system goal is healthy multiplicity, lowering dissociative barriers, and communication through all parts. Sheltering our littles from adult concepts and treating them in ways they don't want to be treated will NOT help that. We're not going to force adult concepts on them, but we're not going to hide them from the littles either.

[darkanddirtyknb]

PERSONAL

I hope I'm not bothering anyone by posting about my personal life. I know it can be kind of annoying when the owner of a blog keeps rambling on about their personal problems. But writing is the only way I know how to let out my emotions. So please excuse me if this upsets you, but I need to say this because today has been a really hard day for me. I’m putting this under a cut just to spare any sensitivities. Trigger warnings are listed in the tags. 

When I was a child, my father was abusive. He was what people would call a “dry drunk” after he got sober. Arguably, he was meaner because he didn't have the alcohol to 'take the edge off'. I grew up in a turbulent environment. My mom was very meek and quiet, afraid of disturbing the waters, if you will. I held a lot of resentment toward her as I got older. All I ever wanted when I was younger was for them to separate. I wanted her to leave, but she never did. I was raised being treated like nothing I did was ever good enough. I was called stupid, useless, a waste. My father was not a nice man. He would throw things at us (myself, my brother, and my mom), scream until his face turned purple, his veins bulged, and spit flew from his mouth. He would punch things. Break things with objects. If I detailed every memory of him that caused me some kind of trauma, the list would be endless. He's part of the reason my brother committed suicide. Yes, he had his own demons, but his relationship with my father was a large part of his unhappiness. As I aged, however, my dad grew up. He changed. He tried to better himself. He would still have his times—times when he slipped up. He was still a jerk, but he was nicer about it. To be in my position, this was like day and night. We were able to get along. I would actually approach him. I didn't get sick to my stomach every time I had to be alone with him. I started to enjoy his company. Today, for the first time in years, I experienced my childhood all over again. It was like a fucking war flashback, and I don't say that lightly. Long story short, I was helping him, and because things didn't go right, he took it out on me. It's been so long since this has happened that it really caught me off guard. I'm now sitting here with a laceration on my back, and my hands are shaking as I type this. I haven't felt like this for so long that I don't know how to digest it. My girlfriend said it the best: it's devastating when things get better and then in an instant, it's fucking shattered. I know that everyone's lives have ups and downs, but I just thought that things were different now. I've been going through my own shit for so long that I forgot what it was like having to deal with this, too. And with Christ as my witness, I sure didn't miss it. If you read this, thanks for taking the time to do so. There's nothing anyone can do to help me, nor do I expect it. I just needed to vent. I might be late posting the new story because I need to take some time for myself right now. I need to get through this moment of PTSD. When I feel like I can pull myself together, I'll get back to work. But I do want to say this: for anyone who has ever gone through situations similar to this, I deeply apologize. No one should have to experience this. Not ever.

[popcerulean]

speech #2

Have you watched Avengers? Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness? WandaVision?

Is Scarlet Witch a hero or a villain?

Let’s talk about it! First things first, Scarlet Witch, or Wanda, is my favorite superhero of all time. I remember playing as her in Ultimate Alliance, and I instantly felt a connection with her. I got to know her more in the animated series X-Men '93, and seeing her in the post-credits of Captain America? I was hyped.

Let me just share a little bit about our girl of the night: Did you know she is actually the daughter of Magneto in the X-Men? Of course not! Marvel Entertainment had licensing rights issues that stripped that history from her, and instead of making her a mutant born with powers, they turned her into a weapon, an experiment.

Most heroes are formed from tragedy. Through terrible loss or internal suffering, their will to protect others manifests as they become their best selves. For some heroes, that part isn’t so straightforward—some, like Wanda, stray from that familiar path.

Wanda lost her parents during the war, which started her trauma and one of her many losses. She wasn’t the same anymore. She then volunteered, along with her twin Pietro, under HYDRA, gaining her chaos magic for revenge. She initially teamed up with Ultron but turned against him when she saw Ultron’s real intentions and chose to team up with the Avengers. Along the way, she lost Pietro, her twin brother, her family, and her only home.

Coping with the loss of her family, and now her twin brother, Wanda experienced disappointment from her friends and team due to differing stances during the Civil War. The event that shattered her heart one last time was when she was given the toughest choice that a fragile, sensitive, and emotional person could face—sacrificing her only love, Vision, to stop Thanos. And for what? Just so the blip could happen? Just so she could see how Stark Industries treated Vision’s body as nothing more than a robot, disassembling him to pieces? What was it all for? Things didn’t get any clearer after the blip, and like many grieving people, she sought escape.

Wanda has the ability to change reality with just a wave of her hand. If you’ve watched WandaVision, she retrieves Vision’s body and creates her own reality in a little town called Westview, manipulating people under her spell to recreate a town based on her favorite 50s show, with Vision alive and well. Her ability to manipulate reality was so powerful that she even conceived twins. At first, it stunned me a bit since biologically, twins skip a generation, but then again, this is the Scarlet Witch we’re talking about—she can make twins if she wants to make twins.

In the Multiverse of Madness, Wanda wouldn’t stop at anything to get what she wanted, revealing her selfishness for the first time throughout the Marvel franchise. If you ask me, I thought she was fucking badass. Her potential, which she had kept in check because she always chose to do the right thing before Vision died, was unleashed. In the end, Wanda redeemed herself by sacrificing herself to stop the chaos magic—the Scarlet Witch.

I’m not going to talk much about the show in detail, but to summarize, it illustrates how someone grieving goes through the stages of denial and bargaining. Honestly, in my view, whether villain or superhero, Wanda is a mutant—an emotional, powerful, and broken one. Knowing her through films and comics, I connect with her. I know what it feels like to care deeply for friends who wouldn’t even nudge or ask how I was doing when it was clear I wasn’t okay at all, to be disappointed by a team that didn’t respect my morals and views. My heart ached knowing that my brother was getting married when we had been long-distance throughout childhood, and now he is leaving me one last time to create his own family. The first boy I actually looked up to and really enjoyed spending time with. I remember crying so hard on his wedding day because I knew he was on another path, and I was on a different one. I know what it feels like to lose someone you love and have no choice but to just let go and let the pain seep in. I know what it feels like to lose a parent slowly and then all at once. All of that pain piling up at once—I can say I’m not a good person because I happened to stray away from the redemption arc of superheroes. Instead of creating something good after such pain, I strayed for a long time. I was angry most of the time, I shut people out, and I did poorly in my work and commitments. I thought to myself, if I ever had the chance to manipulate my own reality—call me selfish and human—I would have snapped my fingers in a heartbeat because, honestly, who wouldn’t?

If I had the chance to meet the Scarlet Witch without her killing me, I would give her a tight hug and say, “It’s okay not to be okay. We’ve all been there sometimes.” I’ve seen how people compare her to Doctor Strange and Spider-Man and how they label her as a villain, but if you think about it, I’ve never seen those two do something good out of grief. It’s just a double standard that I won’t argue about—yet. Call me biased, but if you ask me again, “Is Scarlet Witch a superhero or a villain?” Most people will say she is a villain because she is selfish and just tries to be good. To me, she is a superhero who just strays from the familiar path from time to time but ultimately chooses to be good. In the end, Scarlet Witch is a mutant.

[antiadvil]

what's childhood trauma au?

WIPs

So I think I’ve talked about the background of the idea here but not much about what the fic actually is. I’m trying to be mysterious because all I have is an outline and like 400 words and I don’t want to disappoint people by never finishing/publishing it. But I'll talk a bit about the premise and maybe share something from the outline.

the backstory is that my best friend did not remember having any friends growing up until her parents revealed that one of their neighbor kids came over a lot, and her parents found it annoying so they starting telling the other parents that my friend was grounded and couldn't play. Because it was more convenient for them if she was playing quietly alone in her room, I guess. Which, I don’t think I need to say, is incredibly fucked up. After her parents told this story, she remembered some bits and pieces of this, but before her parents brought it up again the entire memory was sort of repressed.

And here is where I’m going to clarify that I’m writing all this with my friend’s full permission bc it sounds kinda fucked up to jump from that to “anyway so now I’m writing a fic about that” 😭 we both have similar attitudes towards most of our trauma which is: humor and fic are really good coping mechanisms actually. So I thought she might enjoy a fic based on this premise (I was already planning to write something incredibly specifically tailored to her tastes for her birthday and it’s hard to get more tailored than this) but because it is a pretty intensive project to just drop on someone I asked if she thought it would be a good idea and she said “yeah you have to write that the author’s note would be so funny.” So here I am though admittedly I think this is too big of a project to actually complete by September and I may need a different idea for this year’s birthday, unless I start posting before I finish which I’m meh on since the outline could still change (but I’ll see how things go once I finish my hospital fic and start focusing more on this).

So, yeah, it’s a fic where Dan and Phil are childhood friends, Dan’s parents drive Phil away, Dan represses the memory, so he doesn’t actually remember Phil as anyone other than that neighbor kid, while Phil remembers being friends and then Dan just suddenly not being there, and Phil assumes it was Dan voluntarily pulling away. The story follows them reuniting in high school.

As you can probably imagine, this wasn’t a one off thing. Dan’s parents just suck. There are a lot of weird fucked up things my parents did to me as a child that I didn’t realize were weird and fucked up until I talked to other people about it. There were many other things I did know were weird and fucked up. Living in that household caused me severe mental health issues, and I still have minor siblings who live with my parents. So, yeah, mainly this fic is about that. I literally made a list of fucked up stories from my childhood and gave them to fictional Dan. Not all of the things that happened in this fic actually happened to me (and a lot of the ones that did are exaggerated in some way) but many did.

I don't have much writing done yet (400 words is an overstatement actually) but I do have it fully outlined, here are some fun notes from my outline document (mostly actually funny even though the piece is actually very angsty because out of context none of the angst makes sense/is angsty/i wrote it in a way that sounds funny even though it is not):

phil has a friend group. they will need names.

lots of chances for gay trauma in gym class. as a treat for my hyperfixation brain i’m going to let them take a weightlifting class. phil seems like the kind of student to leave his PE credit for his senior year and need it to graduate

and finally this incredible dialogue exchange in my notes:

phil: so like do you wanna do that again

dan: RIGHT NOW?

phil: no wtf i’m trying to have a conversation about our relationship smh

(The conversation is extremely minimal)