#i am aware that this is not anywhere near a hot take. not on tumblr at least. it is the coolest of tales

[many-gay-magpies]

everyone in teen wolf is bisexual unless stated otherwise. why? because i say so

[separatist-apologist]

Hi, it’s me, riling up anon (I really should get a tumblr account to ease my introductions and so we can become besties). Obviously, LOVE part 4! Part 5 ideas- Lucien repays the favor (obvs). He wakes up wondering how he is going to get Elain alone in the house when a gift falls into his lap - a rogue Illyrian war band is attempting to gain new territory. Exit the IC, enter elucien smut in the garden.

First of all, I would love to be besties.

Second of all, no rest for the wicked am I right? Like yesterday this is NSFW, 18+, practically unedited and obviously guarantees a part 6. It's also the longest part I've written so far. PART 5!

Elain woke with some regrets. The throb between her legs was at an all-time high and with so many people around, there was little she could do but put on a breezy, cotton gown, her wide-brimmed sun hat, and vanish into the garden where at least no one would be able to smell what was going on with her. Elain kept her thighs pressed together, hoping some of the friction would help alleviate the burn.

It didn’t, and by the time the sun was high in the sky, Elain was weeding with a grim brutality. Had Lucien left? She wanted to tug on the bond and see where he was but she didn’t want to bring him anywhere near her. Her control was too tenuous as it was. She might jump him in front of her sisters and then what? How would she possibly explain what was going on between them? She barely knew herself. None of it was ladylike…and perhaps some small part of her liked having something that was just for her. No one could offer an opinion or butt in if they didn’t know.

“Elain?” Feyre’s voice wafted from the garden wall. A moment later her youngest sister appeared in her Illyrian leathers. Elain stood, dusting off her dirty hands. “Hey…it’s nothing to worry about and not a big deal, but there was a disturbance with the Illyrian’s. One of the chiefs slaughtered a village and is attempting to take more territory. Rhys and I are going up to handle it, and I know Cassian and Nesta plan to join with the Valkyries….you’ll be alone in the house.”

Elain shrugged. “That’s fine,” she agreed, wiping sweat with the back of her arm.

Feyre bit her bottom lip, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. “Mostly alone…”

Elain narrowed her eyes. “What does that mean?”

Lucien will be in the house too…not all day! But…for a while. He’s working on a treaty for Rhys and should stay in the study. He’ll leave you alone but…just in case you wanted to go out…”

Right. Elain offered Feyre a tight smile, her heart pounding in her chest. “It’s fine. Don’t worry about me.”

Feyre’s shoulders visibly relaxed. “If we can’t make it back tonight I’ll send word.”

“Be safe.”

Feyre vanished, leaving Elain alone in the garden. She stood there, wondering if she ought to find him in the study and demand…demand what, exactly? It wasn’t like she was well-practiced. As she stood there, contemplating how to get what she wanted without having to just blurt it out, a hand brushed the hair from the back of her neck. Warm breath tickled her skin and when Elain spun, already aware of who was just behind her, Lucien caught her easily. He was smiling, his one russet eye dark and hungry as he gazed down at her.

“I’ve promised your sister not to bother you unless you ask,” he told her, his deep voice a shade darker than it typically was. “May I bother you, Lady Elain?”

“That depends,” she replied primly, unable to take her eyes off his lips. “On what kind of bothering you plan to do.”

A grin began to stretch across Lucien’s face, giving him a near feral appearance. “I owe you for last night.”

She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear nervously. “Of course you don’t.” Lucien’s body was pressed against her own as he reached for her face, tilting it towards him. “Wrong, Elain. Tell me…can I bother you?”

“Bother me how?” She whispered, the words nearly sticking to the back of her throat.

“With my mouth, ideally,” he murmured, ghosting his lips across her own. “But I’m happy with just my hands.”

“Why not both?” She asked without thinking. She felt him smile against her skin.

“I like the way you think,” he practically purred before kissing her gently, out in the open where anyone could see. There was nothing to hide them; the garden wall would hardly come up to his hip were he standing right beside it, and though there were some lovely trees scattered about, none were broad enough to obscure what was happening between them.

Elain felt a thrill run up her spine at the thought of being so open with him. It was her that deepened the kiss, running her tongue along his lips until he opened for her. She surged upwards on her tiptoes, arms wrapped around his neck so she could revel in the way he tasted. No one had the right to smell half as good as Lucien did, like crisp Autumn air and sun washed apples, but for however good he smelled, he tasted ten times better.

She was half-drunk on the moment, lost in the feel of his hands running the length of her spine. It was so sweet, so unhurried that some small part of her wanted to revel in it. Lucien, though, had decidedly different ideas regarding what he hoped to do. Some of the sweetness shattered when his hand cupped her breast through the thin, white material of her dress while his other began rouching up the fabric.

She broke the kiss with a gasp. “Out here?” She asked. He chuckled, teasing her nipple almost absently as he gazed down at her.

“You have somewhere better in mind?”

She opened her mouth to protest, to say yes, very much so, but the look on his face stopped her. She glanced at the soft grass just beneath her feet and, before she could talk herself out of it, promptly sat down at his feet. Lucien stared for a moment and then laughed as if she’d told him the most hilarious joke, his tanned face reddening as he attempted to keep himself together.

“What?” She demanded as he dropped to one knee, and then the other until he was kneeling before her.

“You’re funny,” was all he said in response. No one thought she was funny…and never had. She wasn’t sure what to do with that information, so she tucked it away for later. “I never meant for you to sit in the grass, though.”

She frowned. “Oh?”

He was chuckling again as he hefted her into his lap. “I ama gentleman, you know.”

“Where should I sit, then?” She asked, genuinely curious. His lips curled upwards as he lowered himself to the ground and gestured at his face. Heat rose through her body and she balked, one hand pressed against her mouth.

“You’re obscene,” she accused, completely unaware people did such things. Lucien waited a beat and then, with strong, sure hands, merely dragged her across his chest until he had her placed exactly where he wanted.

“Tell me to stop,” he replied, his face half hidden beneath her dress, his breath hot against the fabric of her underwear. Oh, Gods,she thought, her embarrassment shifting towards anticipation. She swallowed hard and draped her gown over his face entirely, not that it was keep anyone from instantly recognizing what was going on between them.

“Off,” his muffled voice ordered, his finger hooking in the fabric of her underwear. It was awkward, shimmying them off while he attempted to keep her exactly as she was, but Elain managed it. Still nervous, she shoved them into the pocket of his pants, just in case anyone came by. They were still clothed…perhaps she’d lie and say she was injured and he was patching her up.

She gasped when she felt his fingers spread her open. Lucien hissed softly. “Pretty,” he murmured, she suspected more to himself than for her though the praise settled hot in her belly.

“What are you—”

He licked right up the center of her cunt and Elain nearly flew off his face. He brought one hand from beneath her skirt to hold her in place, dragging her even closer. Was he breathing, she wondered wildly, suddenly desperate for him to continue?

He licked a slow circle and Elain whined, grinding her hips against his face without thinking. Lucien groaned beneath her, the guttural sound spearing pleasure through her but.

“Am I frustrating you?” His muffled voice asked, his lips speaking practically into her cunt.

“Yes,” she gritted out, wishing he’d shut up.

“Do you want me to stop?” He asked, withdrawing his mouth completely.

Elain screamed softly, shoving him back into her wet folds. She heard him groan again and she wondered which he liked; the assertiveness or being that close to her body. He gave her what she was asking for, licking up the center of her, letting his tongue work over her clit in the same circular motion as before, faster, then slower, while she canted against him, urging him on.

Heat mingled with pleasure, building up, up, up and when she thought she might fall over the edge, Lucien’s tongue vanished from her clit and dipped into her entrance to fuck her with his mouth instead.

“Lucien please—” She begged. She was close, so mind-shatteringly close it had stolen her ability to think of anything else but his soft, wet mouth rubbing against her, the sweet friction almost unbearable in its pleasure.

He dragged his tongue back to his clit, his pace quickening as one finger slid into her body. Elain was lost to the sensation, unable to do anything but grind against him. Darkness crept into the edge her vision as the heat in her gut threatened to take her completely.

“Please, don’t stop, Lucien—” Her legs clamped around his head, his cunt pulsating on his finger as she screamed his name to the sky. Lucien rode her through it before sliding her down his chest just enough to sit up and kiss her roughly. His mouth tasted like her and she thought she ought to have found it disturbing or disgusting but she found the taste of her mingled in his mouth erotic.

“Lucien?!” A distant voice called. Feyre, she realized. Lucien groaned.

“We’ll continue this later,” he promised, quickly righting himself. She looked away from the bulge in his pants, still panting on the ground. Lucien vanished a moment later and she realized when she’d finally managed to climb back to her shaking legs that he’d taken her underwear with him.

[shirophantomvox]

Chrollo, Hisoka, and Illumi Headcanons

Chrollo, Hisoka, Illumi, and Leorio headcanons

Hello, anon! I am so sorry for taking longer than usual to respond to this post. I have been so busy with A LOT lately but I have time now! I don’t know if you want N/SFW, romantic or non so I’ll go based on what comes to mind! I know many Tumblr users have made these types of assumptions for them a lot but I wanted to join in. I started writing this last night so forgive me if there are any unbearable grammar errors. I hope you like it anon, I tried my best. I have to work on my headcanons for them because I try to keep them in character. Since we don’t have much background info on ⅔, I have to keep it as realistic as possible. FYI N/SFW content is mentioned.

Discord for Voltron and HxH fans

Let’s start with Chrollo.

Chrollo (SFW)

I’ve seen on here that a lot of you headcanon Chrollo to be an understanding man when it comes to feelings for his significant other. Given his soft voice and calm demeanor, I’m sure that is somewhat true.

It seems like Chrollo isn’t on board with over-the-top PDA meaning he would agree to hand-holding and his arm around you but nothing more. He saves the...other stuff for when you two are alone. Because of Chrollo’s past, it seems like he wouldn’t want to be seen in public that much because that can cause him to get caught by the authorities.

He takes your safety very seriously. You understand that when he is with the Phantom Troupe that you are not to interrupt until the business is over. He doesn’t allow you to get involved with the missions because of how dangerous they can be (example: the auction). He knows you can handle it, he prefers for you not to be involved. Feelings and work can make things difficult.

Although Chrollo hides in the shadows, I imagine he lives in a penthouse with expensive furniture, white and black color pattern, and large windows that have an astonishing view of Yorknew.

After you both have worked long and hard, you open the door just to see the lights dimmed so dark that it matches the night atmosphere. There are rose petals leading to the bathroom where a bubble bath is waiting. As you enter the bathroom, your boyfriend is waiting there, submerged in bubbles sticking his arms out. Candles light up the tiny room casting a romantic shadow from your body. You grab his hand and gently sit in the tub. The warm water felt amazing; it helped your aching muscles (from exercising) feel better. Chrollo gently grabbed your arm and pulled you into a warm, loving embrace. He wrapped his toned arms around your body and rested his chin on your shoulder. He didn’t say a word but instead breathed heavily, kissed your shoulder, and leaned back against the wall. On days like this, he didn’t say much but his actions spoke louder than words.

Chrollo NSFW

I think Chrollo is a passionate lover. This assumption comes from his calm demeanor. He seems to be incredibly patient so if you aren’t positioning yourself the right way or something, he’ll work with you to make sure you get it and you are comfortable.

He is touchy. That means during the nitty-gritty, he likes to touch your face, chin, lips, and your torso as a way to show more affection.

When he is in the mood, he moves slowly then very fast. He cannot resist the urges and feelings he has for you.

He loves to do this while the drapes are open although you have expressed that you like your privacy. It’s ironic. He doesn’t like extreme PDA but is ok with sleeping with you while the lights from the city shine near your penthouse window. Ah, guys are confusing.

After the climax, he lays flat on the bed and pulls you close. He leaves about an inch in between because heat is still radiating off your bodies and it’s summertime.

Hisoka (SFW) If his significant other was shy.

People have mixed feelings about Hisoka, feelings, and whether or not if he is gentle or not. I don’t think that Hisoka is gentle but begins to lay off the harsh jokes or pranks as he sees that you both have fought before and you’re not as weak as he thought.

Unlike Chrollo, he is all for PDA. This ranges from hand holding to playful kisses to passionate kisses. When I saw Hisoka for the first time, I immediately thought he was a fuck boy. A fuck boy is a boy that is only interested in sleeping with someone and doesn’t intend on pursuing a relationship.

He’d take the pleasure of appreciating your presence as well as testing your patience. If you are shy and are easily flustered, he will change that. He’ll do things like kissing you, calling you affectionate names, or anything that will cause you to respond. You hit him jokingly. Still not getting the message, he continues and you hit him harder. This is where he releases a medium moan which causes everyone to look in your direction. You freeze; face flushed and he’s laughing his ass off.

“What’s the matter,” he asks, covering his mouth. “You look flushed~♥.”

“You’re doing too much. Stop playing around! People are staring~💯.” You cover the side of your face. True enough you were a little mortified but in a good way. You knew he did this because he liked you but sometimes he played too much.

This is when he pulls you closer to his face, your ear next to his mouth, and whispers something in your ear that sent chills down your spine that made you blush more than before. He nearly puckered his lips as he spoke. He took his index finger and thumb to caress your cheek.

“Raising your voice at me? That simply won’t do. Aren’t you aware of the consequences~♥?”

You knew better than to not say anything because he would cup your cheeks and pull you into a deep kiss, and wouldn’t let go until he was sure that everyone was looking.

Both of you enjoy red, white, and rose wine. To him, wine equals classiness and sophistication. After fighting each other for hours (which he considers training for you and exercise for him) drinking wine and watching Lifetime (television for idiots) is a great way to end the night.

NSFW

As stated above, I originally thought that Hisoka was a fuck boy, so I am going to roll with that thought. This man has the potential of being rough and if he is too rough this is the time where you can speak up and say so. He’ll listen to you. Similar to Chrollo, he can be very romantic if he wants to. The rose petals gimmick was played out.

Instead, he hides in the darkest part of the living room waiting for you.

You turn on the lights and immediately head to the kitchen to drink a bottle of ice-cold water. Summer nights in Yorknew were hot and humid, almost unbearable. It felt like you were being suffocated. Becoming impatient, Hisoka clears his throat loudly causing you to nearly jump out of your skin; choking on the water you were drinking. He released a sexy chuckle. When you turned around, there stood your chiseled buff boyfriend bare with a ribbon tied in various directions around his body. Your birthday was two days ago and he was your gift. Although you have seen him like this before, for some reason you were too flustered to make a move. He already knew that you were tired from work, so he carried you in his arms to the Exercise Room and laid you gently on the floor. You smiled as a rush or passion took over your body resulting in you tearing off the ribbon tightly wrapped around his body. Since this was your birthday gift, he made it a night you’d remember forever! Surprisingly, no roughhousing, just soft and gentle. This proves that Hisoka has the capability of being humane. His strokes were to your liking and the gazes that you both exchanged were mind-blowing. Why couldn’t he be this way all the time? After it all, you fell asleep at her quickly. You were on the floor but now on top of your king-sized bed, with the message control on high. He stayed awake, watching TV, and thought about how he was going to pick a fight with you at the crack of dawn.

Hisoka’s ability to flirt and send the intended person swooning is a talent of itself. Lots of people do not possess this talent. Sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it's not. He speaks softly and smoothly, are he has to do is ask and it shall be done.

Illumi SFW

Illumi gives the impression that he is a “quiet” freak. This means that true enough he is focused on his job but if the moment comes along he will give in. He isn’t into PDA at all and if he does feel like showing some affection it will be done in private. Even though he appears to be a zombie, laying on or even cuddling with his significant other will help him relax for once. Imagine having to complete many missions in a day, exhausted, and have a wonderful person waiting to act as a human pillow for your weary head. Even Illumi can’t resist that.

If he likes you and plans to marry you, he will make that known to everyone to avoid confusion. Illumi represents the stereotypical shy boy; he is anti-social, prefers to only be around people he knows and trusts, and carries out the duties of his job.

After everything has been completed for the day, he wouldn’t mind ( and secretly begs) for silent cuddles with his significant other and to just fall asleep. At this point, you are used to it so this is all you want and you are satisfied. When he does talk, it’s usually about something he found out from work that he knows should be kept quiet but he tells you anyway. Late nights are the time of day where Illumi vents for a few hours. The details of these vent sessions could range anywhere from “I wish you were there to see it” to “No, it would be too much”. As quiet and reserve as he is, his love is shown in a unique way that you have grown accustomed to.

NSFW

When the urge slaps him across the face like a sack of rocks, he cannot resist. Usually, he fights off the urge by exercising (mainly because you are out of the house or sleep) but this time he couldn’t shake it.

Before he gets started with anything, he styles his long hair in the shape of a bun so it doesn’t get in the way of action.

Although he is portrayed to be an emotionless zombie, he has some feeling deep inside him that he unleashes just for you. This is shown by gentle moist kisses being placed along your neck and once he reaches your shoulder that is when you wake up. Halfway through your sleepy eyes, you see a man with a devilish smile painted across his face. Who is this man? This couldn’t be your boyfriend. No way, no how.

Once he sees your sleepy smile, he just releases so many kisses that you throw the blanket off and he pulls you in closer.

Illumi will allow you both to switch the roles meaning he is in charge one time and you are on another day. Since you were still asleep, he decided to take on the role. He is surprisingly gentle in the beginning but as soon as it takes off, your ride him like a donkey. It ironic; he releases more noises than you! You have to remind him that noise travels! Great, you’re doing your job well! While it is important to take your job seriously, you need to have time to release that stress.

He uses his large eyes to stare into yours; you always found yourself lost in his gaze.

After it all, you lay back down waiting for your boyfriend to return from the kitchen. Illumi craves food like crazy after a good session. What’s better than donuts at 3 AM? COMFORT FOOD!!

These urges also come when you two are training together. Several times he’s had to guide you from behind on how to aim his needles. This time you noticed the packing of his pants which surprised you.

“Any questions,” he asked in a monotone voice.

“Yes. Why did you wear jogging pants? You’re giving yourself away.”

It was at this moment, he knew he fucked up. But let’s be honest, ok? He is standing behind the most beautiful person in the world, nostrils full of perfume, hair tied up, and has his left hand placed loosely on your thigh?! What was he thinking by wearing jogging pants when he was with you? He acted as if he didn’t know what you were talking about.

“You really don’t know?”

You kicked your backside out against him causing him to fall to the ground.

“Wow! Your legs are like jelly!”

“Why tease me,” He asked breaking out a small smile.

“You’re the one denying it.”

“Just get to it. I can’t wait any longer or else I’ll explode.”

The quiet ones are always the freakiest.

[simmerandwrite]

strangers - steve rogers x reader

Warnings: mentions of sexual harassment and non-consensual touching, swearing.

Word count: 4870

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: When your subway ride home takes a turn for the worst, you hope a stranger in a coffee shop will help you out.

Notes: If you saw a snippet of this the other day, here’s the full thing! I wanted to tackle some ‘in need of saving’ tropes and this just sort of happened. I’ve never posted straight up on Tumblr before but I’m a bit lacking in my experience with reader fics, so I figured this was a good place to share it. no beta, any mistakes are my own! If you like it, let me know - thanks for reading!

—

Steve Rogers liked his days off. Not that he had a set schedule week to week anyway but when things aligned correctly, he could do whatever he wanted. No world saving, no training, no report writing, no meetings.

He had scoped out a small little coffee shop in Brooklyn where he liked to spend these quiet afternoons. Usually with a book in hand (he had so many books to catch up on) or some music loaded to his phone (Nat was currently educating him on 90s punk rock) or a notebook and pencil. People watching served as wonderful inspiration to sketch.

He sipped his cappuccino, eyes tipped downward at the book ahead of him on the table. He was interrupted just moments later as someone dropped into the chair across from him.

Now, Steve wasn’t intentionally hiding out at this hole-in-the-wall cafe. But he did put on his laughable disguise still - a beaten up Yankees cap and his prescription-less thick framed glasses. He liked the anonymity. That didn’t always stop people from recognizing him.

As he opened his mouth to question the person who was suddenly joining him for coffee, she slid her phone across the table to him. Her hand shook. His eyebrows flexed into a curious frown as he looked at the screen displaying a plainly typed note:

‘Do you mind if I sit someone is following me home sorry to disturb you’

—

As if your day hadn’t been absolutely terrible enough, you spotted the gremlin of a man on the subway watching you again. You knew he worked somewhere in the same office building as you because he always trailed a few paces behind you when pushing through the revolving doors in the lobby. It wasn’t uncommon to see the same people on the same subway line at the same time every day, but this man’s presence had become an unwanted downside.

He was always there. Worse than that, he seemed to be always watching you. Today, it was even more obvious that he was following you.

When that thought first occurred to you, it had been really easy to shrug off. He was just a guy taking the subway. But when he happened to be on the later train with you one day, an uncomfortable feeling settled in your stomach.

And now, as the car was filling up even more after the second stop in DUMBO, he had moved to stand and put himself even closer to you.

You had been going through so many Next Steps. God, that phrase was the bane of your existence. Next steps, next steps..

Maybe you could tell him to fuck off. You could make an appointment with Leanna in HR and see if there is a way to figure out the name of this guy - though he didn’t work for your company so that was likely going to be a dead end. You could start taking the bus to the village before grabbing the train. Maybe you could Uber home some days instead of taking the subway. Not that you could afford that but this guy was..

You stiffened immediately.

This guy was touching you. In the midst of the crowded subway car, he was pressed against you entirely. And was he.. His hips were moving against your leg and.. Wait, that was two hands on your hips now.. Hot breath whispered against your neck and -

Fuck.

You threw yourself through the mob as the train came to a stop. With hurried feet you ran onto the platform and up the stairs, doing your best to weave through the flow of people, like a fish trying to make it upstream. You tried not to be obvious but as you snapped your head over your shoulders to look back, you saw him there again.

He was smirking. No, snarling.

Next steps, next steps.

You joined a sea of people crossing the street, taking your first left to try and steer yourself into a particular direction. You were still a far walk from your apartment but with this man on your heels, you didn’t want to lead him anywhere near there.

You grabbed your phone from your jacket pocket, unlocking it quickly and scrolling through the contacts. Surely there had to be someone you could call but even then, what could they do? Offer advice?

It didn’t occur to you until then but would it be valuable to call the cops?

Despite the late day sunlight, you suddenly felt very aware of the emptiness of the sidewalk on that side street. You needed to be around people. It definitely wasn’t logical to be anywhere near alone with this guy and -

It sounded like his footsteps were getting closer. With a panicked gulp, you yanked on the door of a little hole-in-the-wall cafe. Your eyes scanned the space quickly once you were inside. You probably shouldn’t sit alone, you couldn’t run to the bathroom if you aren’t sure where it is or if you needed a key. There were too many variables.

You needed something. Next steps..

You spotted someone sitting at a small table near the window and without thinking, you sent out a silent prayer to whoever might be listening and you rushed over. The man was clearly alone, a half consumed ceramic mug of coffee sitting to the right of his book.

Swallowing hard, you quickly typed on your phone and slid it across the table to him after you sat. You tried your best to stay very calm and hoped that he would play along. God, what if he didn’t play along and -

Behind you, the door chimed once more and you desperately wanted to see if it was that man - if the gremlin had followed you inside. You clasped your hands together in your lap and forced a smile on as you looked at the stranger sitting across from you.

Despite not knowing him, there was a familiarity about his appearance. Behind his thick glasses, soft blue eyes searched you carefully. His eyes flicked to the screen once more, stiffening in his chair as he looked past you towards the rest of the cafe.

With his right hand, he reached into the inside pocket of his coat and took out a small notebook and a pen. He scribbled something quickly and turned the page towards you.

Are you hurt?

You shook your head quickly. He offered you a tight smile and wrote once more.

Buzzcut, grey jacket?

Your eyes blew open wide and you tilted your head into a nod.

I’m Steve

He flipped the notebook closed and extended his hand across the table, palm facing up. He leaned forward just slightly, meeting your eyes with a reassuring smile. “Play along.”

Your eyes flicked to his hand and you slowly unclamped your own, grabbing his on the table instead. He was doing an impressive job splitting his attention between you and his surroundings, eyes scanning the room. He squeezed your hand very gently, brushing his thumb against your knuckles.

“Tell me about your day.”

You sucked in a hard breath. You weren’t entirely sure what his strategy was but something told you this guy was in your corner. Though despite that, you could feel another set of eyes on you.

“Uh,” you started quietly, letting the air escape your lungs. “Surprisingly, I didn’t think it could get worse before I got on the subway after work. I had a review meeting that was not great and we had a free catered lunch that was not vegetarian friendly. Missed an important email and deadline and… well, here I am whining about it and interrupting your day. Listen, I’m going to-

You moved to stand up but Steve shook his head, grasping your hand. “Give it a few more minutes, I think he’ll give up and leave.”

His words were casual but had an authoritative tone. Once more his eyes left you, looking towards the front of the cafe. He raised his free hand and motioned to one of the baristas. You weren’t certain if this was the type of place who served people at their seats but clearly he had a comfortable rapport as the young girl approached with a warm smile on her face.

“Hey Tia, could I get another?”

“Anything for you?” The barista turned her head as she asked, pony tail moving from side to side.

“Uhm.” You paused and thought. You certainly had no desire to even consider a coffee order when you felt someone’s linger gaze boring into you. “A decaf con panna, if that’s possible.” The girl confirmed it was with a nod then left the table side.

“Con panna?” Steve’s lips pulled into a curious smirk. Something about his smile calmed you.

“Espresso with whipped cream on top,” you answered. “Short and sweet.”

“I’ll have to try that next time.”

Steve sure had a soothing smile. When his thumb stopped tracing against your palm - when did that even start? - you felt an empty sadness about the loss. Wow, what did that even say about your standards when a stranger was brushing his thumb against your hand that you were so grateful for? Well, it was a thousand times better than someone rubbing his -

You winced at the memory, biting down as you clutched your bottom lip between your teeth. Though that shameful feeling hadn’t disappeared, you managed to keep it at bay. But now, it seemed to have left an image you were unable to blink away.

The sweet smell of whipped cream and the shuffling of paper cups broke you from your trance. You reached for your bag to fish out a few dollars but when you looked up, Steve was waving a hand to stop you.

It’s not that you didn’t appreciate his kindness. You did. You really, really did. But given the last half hour, you still had a hard time settling your nervous mind.

“Thanks, Tia.” Steve’s eyes were jumping around the place as the barista grabbed the cash he offered. A loud stomp of footsteps drew their attention as the Subway Gremlin saddled up beside the table.

“Sorry to be a bother, darlin’ - any chance I can borrow your phone?”

You couldn’t help but look at him. Though his words were directed at the barista, he made a point to glance over at you.

You felt Steve’s hands grip yours. When you looked towards him, his eyes were very carefully watching the man. How did he manage to -

“Sorry, we don’t have a dedicated line available to customers.” Tia politely shook her head, pointing towards the door. “There’s a CityBank up the street that can help you, I’m sure.” She shrugged and headed back to the coffee counter.

The man stood still, opening his mouth to argue.

Steve sat back, shoulders broad and steady. “Did you need directions there? I think it’s just two blocks. Maybe 500 paces.” His tone was flat. “Just out the door and you’ll be on your way.”

You kept your eyes on Steve. He kept his stare directed at the man. Finally, after what felt like hours of waiting, the man moved his feet. He turned on his heel, though not before stopping to look at you again.

“I will see you tomorrow, dar-

Steve released your hand and pushed his chair back, standing quickly and grasping the man’s shoulder.

Steve towered over him. “You have five seconds.” The man pulled away from Steve’s grip then finally stomped away. You kept your eyes tightly shut until you heard the chime of the bell indicating the movement of the door. Then, you collapsed onto your arms on the edge of the table.

Steve, meanwhile, headed to the door and kept watch for a few more moments to ensure the man actually departed from the area. Then, he stopped at the counter and exchanged a few words with Tia before returning you.

You were still doing your best to encourage the floor to open up and swallow you whole. How had this even escalated? The worst part was your mind seemed clouded with doubt. This man, you hadn’t even interacted with him before. Why was he suddenly so invested in you? To a point where he might follow you home? Were you just another target or had this been intentional?

You considered yourself a fairly observant person and yet..

You twisted your hands together in your lap and tried to consider what was going to happen now. Next steps, next steps..

“Hey.” Steve returned to his chair. Your eyes flicked up towards him, noticing he was sliding a bottle of water towards you. Your sad little espresso and whipped cream treat was deflated next to it. “Are you okay?”

You reached for the water bottle, twisting the cap open and taking a long drink. “I don’t know.” Chewing on your bottom lip, you shook your head. “No, actually. I’m not. It somehow feels like my skin is on fire and my lungs are failing me and I’m sweaty but I’m not and - and -

“Hey, hey. Look at me.” Steve spoke so calmly and evenly. “Just take a slow breath with me, okay?” You closed your eyes once more and followed his instructions as he walked you through a few breathing exercises. “That’s great, you’re doing great-

When he stopped speaking so quickly, you opened one eye to look over at him. His cheeks were a warm shade of pink and his mouth was twisted into a frown. “What?”

“It just occurred to me I didn’t get your name.” He paused, as if to consider his next thought. “Although, given what just happened with that man, you are under no obligation to tell me anything about yourself. I just.. I’d like to help.”

His genuine concern for you was surprising. You allowed a small smile to stretch across your face. “You’re very nice, Steve.”

You gave him your name and he smiled back, repeating it to himself. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Your smile turned downwards when you looked towards your phone. “I should probably get going. Again, I’m really sorry for dragging you into this mess but I appreciate the… solace.” You took a deep breath and pushed your chair back, pausing to tip the lukewarm espresso into your mouth. “I owe you one.”

You winced when you heard yourself and sighed. Why did you say that? This stranger, this friendly, broad shouldered, tall, handsome stranger who’s day you interrupted, did not need your weird backhanded flirting. In fact, even though every signal in your brain seemed on edge after, well, everything, the only thing that seemed to ground you now was the kindness of Steve. So you tried to will yourself not to ruin it with any additional commentary.

You weren’t entirely sure what had driven you down this particular street into this particular cafe and towards this particular man. But, you were certainly grateful. “Actually, do they have gift cards here? I’d love to buy you one to say thank you and -

“Are you going to walk? Wherever you’re going right now?” When you looked over, you saw that Steve had stood, too. You saw his eyes move towards the door and the far windows up the street where the man from the subway had gone. “I don’t want to overstep but I hope you’ll let me walk you home. Or far enough away to have cleared his radar.”

“I feel like I’ve already wasted enough of your time, Steve.” You truly felt worse and worse for interrupting his afternoon.

“Please, I insist.” Steve tilted his head, half a smirk on his lips. “You just said you owe me one, so. I’m cashing in the favour.”

“The favour repayment you’re cashing in is.. you doing me another favour? Do you know how favours are supposed to work?” Admittedly, you knew you would feel a lot safer having someone walk home with you. And something about Steve made you feel very secure, his presence like a comforting shield.

“C’mon,” Steve replied with a laugh, nudging his head towards the door.

When you stepped onto the sidewalk, you stopped to think. “Let’s go this way.” You turned to the right and Steve followed, staying on your shoulder closest to the street. You walked in a comfortable silence - which made you nervous at first. Then, as your steps fell into a pattern, the quiet soothed you.

You pushed your hands into the pockets of your jacket as you turned down the next block. You looked over at Steve, who turned his head towards you as you shifted. “You didn’t ask anything else about the man.. Who followed me.”

A quiet hum came from Steve. “I didn’t think I should. You seemed shaken up enough.” He shrugged, peering down at you through his glasses. “If you want to talk about it..”

“I work in this big office building in Midtown. The Clifton building?”

Steve motioned his hand diagonally. “Little bagel place downstairs? That’s right down from The Avengers tower, isn’t it?”

You nodded along. Right. Stark Tower was The Avengers Tower, now. It was the most iconic landmark on that block. “Yes. Actually, I work on the 40th floor, which makes for a great angle to see Iron Man coming in.” Your smile was fleeting when you continued on. “It’s a huge building. I work in human resources for this pharmaceutical company.. But there’s a law firm in there, too. Insurance companies, start ups.. Hundreds of people in and out all day long. Yet, that man on the subway has managed to..” You stopped yourself before your chest got too tight. “Let’s just say I’ve seen him around before.”

“Do you know his name?”

“That’s the thing!” You couldn’t help but laugh now, shaking your head in dumbfounded confusion. “No. I have no idea who he is. But he often gets on the same subway line as me, watches me from across the crowd then today..” You stopped and dragged a hand down your face. “It’s a sad truth but I would say most of my friends have been.. Touched inappropriately on the subway before. I guess it’s a weird right of passage or something..”

“Wait - what?” Steve stopped in his tracks and reached his hand out to grab yours. You stopped and looked up at his eyes, somehow both soft and dark with concern. “He touched you? What do you mean?”

You raised an eyebrow, wondering if his ask was authentic. When you saw the disappointment in his face, eyes flooded with something you couldn’t quite pinpoint, you realized his reaction was genuine. You opened your mouth to explain but suddenly it seemed impossible to find the words.

Steve let go of your hand as he absorbed your lack of response and reached for his phone. “You can file a police report, right?”

“No, no.” You stopped him, placing your hand on his as he held his phone. “Trust me, that’s just paperwork that goes nowhere. Without the guy's name, absolutely nothing would come from it anyway.” You shook your head. “It’s fine, really. I might just adjust my work hours and change my route home for a few weeks. Maybe he’ll give up.”

Steve muttered something to himself, shaking his head. His face shifted from concern to something else, like his brain was working on a different trail of thoughts. He spoke your name quietly, drawing your attention to him again. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

Steve’s kindness was a strange contrast to the entire experience on the subway. How one man could have such questionable intentions while another apologizes with sincerity for it was nearly jarring. Although, it did suddenly occur to you that Steve was just as much of a stranger.

“The worst part is.. men like that sever any opportunity for trust in other people. Especially blind trust. Like me telling you, a stranger, where I work and walking you to where I live. Funny enough though - every wire in my brain should be telling me not to and how it was a bad idea but.. I guess there is something about you.”

Steve sucked in a breath, eyes wide as he considered his response. “When you walked into the coffee shop, you could have asked the barista for help or tried to hide out in the bathroom. But you sat next to me instead. How come?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. Like I said, there's just something about you, Steve.”

You walked in silence again, feet falling into a pattern once more. The sky was growing darker, the air cooler. After crossing the street again, you looked at him. “How do you feel about Prezio being traded to the Orioles?” You reached out and tipped up the brim of his Yankees hat. “A tragedy, right?”

A quiet laugh escaped him as he tipped his head. “I think it was a huge mistake. Don’t you think we’ve had a hard enough year as it is?” Your silence was filled with baseball talk instead and it seemed to put both of you at ease.

“This is me.” You stopped outside of a short apartment complex, pointing a thumb to the door.

Steve smiled, one hand in the pocket of his jacket as he studied you. Was this it? After the wild rollercoaster of emotions you had spilled onto him in the last hour, parting with nothing else seemed empty. Lacking. He opened his mouth and closed it, once then twice.

Finally, you cut in. “Thanks again, Steve. Really. If you hadn’t played along and scared him away.. well, I’m not sure where I would be right now. It means a lot that you cared enough about a stranger to make sure I was safe.”

Steve sighed out your name. “I’m sorry your barometer for kindness is so low.”

You sighed. “Yeah, me too.” Part of you wanted to do something. Say something else. Linger a tiny bit longer. But your feet shuffled and your hand reached for the door. “Have a good night, Steve.”

—

“I need a favour.”

“Well, good morning to you, sunshine. Did you lock yourself out of your computer again? FRIDAY can help with that.”

“Tony, this is serious.”

“Okay, okay. I recognize that scowl. How can I help you?”

“If I provided you some video footage from a security camera, can we track someone down? Figure out who they are? For full transparency, it’s just a civilian.”

“Sounds like we’re operating outside of the law, Rogers. Can you provide me with more context? I don’t mind the grey area - I just like the drama, too.”

Steve sighed, then reluctantly explained himself. The cafe. Your panicked message. The stalker of a man. The way you dismissed it all as a normal, unfortunate side effect of existing as a woman. His barista friend provided him with camera footage but he wasn’t sure it was enough.

Tony pinched between his eyes. “Men are scum. And I say that as someone in the practice of trying to be better. Recovering scum, if you will. I’ll see what I can do. FRIDAY, how quietly can we get into the security database at the Clifton building?”

—

Although you hadn’t lied to Steve, it occurred to you on your journey home that your guard should remain up. Which is why you had actually allowed him to walk you to your aunt’s apartment, instead of your own. She was happy to see you burst through the door and insisted you stay for dinner. That was a tiny silver lining to the whole mess.

The next day though, the thought of going into work was suffocating. So you opted to spend the day working from home instead, which your boss had been agreeable to, at least. One day rolled into two and you successfully avoided the office building until the following Monday. But then, you needed a plan. Next steps, next steps.

You took an Uber to the office early and left late at the end of the day, leaving out the back stairway and crossing a few blocks to take a different subway line home. It was unfortunate you had to cater your life to the chance you would run into this goon again, but your sense of security was slowly returning. That had to count for something.

Things shifted later that week. There was a sudden new policy sent out to all the staff in your office outlining new building ownership and training about sexual harassment policies.

“It’s a long time coming,” you heard someone mutter out in the elevator as you headed down towards the lobby.

“Guess Tony Stark just wants to own the whole block,” their coworker chirped back, pulling to loosen his tie.

There was even more commotion when you exited the elevator and walked towards the large glass doors. A team of NYPD officers were standing outside, shoving someone in the back of their cruiser. Your eyes narrowed. You couldn’t be certain but from that angle, you certainly recognized the bad buzzcut. Your eyes darted around the lobby anxiously and across the room, a small crowd of suits and officers had formed near..

Tony Stark, himself.

Before you could even try to understand what was going on, you heard someone calling your name. You turned your head and saw someone who looked a lot like -

“Steve?” You took a few steps towards him, pausing to glance from him back at Tony Stark and.. “Oh my god. You’re Steve Rogers. Why didn’t you say something?”

Captain America had walked you home. Hidden behind glasses and a hat. And you always considered yourself observant.

Steve just smirked, shrugging a shoulder. “I didn’t think it was important.”

You couldn’t help but smile. “Should I be thanking you for all of this chaos?”

Steve furrowed his brow in mock confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, maybe I’m extrapolating here but the same day my subway stalker gets taken away in cuffs, Stark Industries buys out this building and mandates a new policy and code of conduct.”

Steve pursed his lips, swallowing back a mischievous smirk. “Here’s the thing. It occurred to me that your best choice of action after that day was changing your entire life to avoid that man. And I couldn’t help but think about how broken that system was.”

You sighed. It had occurred to you, too. While you were relieved to shake the man from your trail, your mind considered he would probably turn his attention to someone else. And that wouldn’t be fair.

“Well, Cap. Job well done. That scum of a man had priors in Jersey, too.” Tony Stark himself had walked to where you and Steve stood. His hand clapped on Steve’s shoulder. “You’re at least going to ask her out, right? I mean, I bought an entire building for you - make a move, pal.”

Steve flushed pink and you couldn’t help but do the same.

“I’m getting a bagel. You want a bagel?” Tony raised an eyebrow from you to Steve again, smiling proudly.

“I’m good. I recommend the poppy seed though!” You called as Tony flitted away, narrowly avoiding a proper looking blonde woman who seemed very tired.

You turned your attention back to Steve. “He seems like a lot.”

“He is.” Steve nodded, motioning his hand. “I know it’s only one thing, maybe a ripple in making a difference but.. I’m hoping one less inappropriate person on the subway can give you peace of mind.”

You smiled again. Though you had seen many appearances by Captain America on the news, seeing the man in person was different. It seemed Steve Rogers walked the walk. After parting ways with him before, though he had crossed your mind, you didn’t anticipate your menial issues leading to this.

“Thanks. Really. Even one person makes a difference.” You reached out and touched his arm. “Thank you, Steve.”

“I’m sorry about Tony, though. His comments about asking you out and.. that certainly wasn’t my goal here.”

“I don’t know. You just did me a huge favour getting rid of that gremlin. I think I owe you.”

Steve caught your cheeky smile and stood up a bit straighter. “Well, in that case, the Yankees are playing the Sox tomorrow night. Tony never uses his tickets and the seats aren’t half bad. What do you say?”

“You’re cashing in this favour to take me on a date? Usually people ask for help moving or a ride to the airport or something.” You let out a dramatic sigh. “Sure. I guess you can take me to the game, Steve. If you ask politely, I’ll probably even hold your hand.”

After work the next day, Steve met you outside and you took the subway together to the stadium. You knew this wasn’t the end of it for you or anyone else worried about their personal boundaries being crossed. But, as you gripped the subway pole and your fingers grazed against Steve’s, you could finally breathe again. For the first time in a while, you weren’t anticipating next steps.

It was just you and the kind stranger from the coffee shop.

[chosenkeepersworld]

The Curses We Inherit - Chapter 6

Original Work

Date Posted: June 30, 2021 (Tumblr)

Word count: 1, 757 words

A/N: Work is unbeta'd but I do hope you'll still enjoy reading it. Comments are always appreciated! And if you can't wait to read what happens next, this story is also up on Wattpad (under username ChosenKeeper0971) but with way more chapters, I appreciate your support there too!

Thank you so much and happy reading :) Masterlist / Part 5

Sunlight streamed through the slit between the curtains, stretching toward the bed.

Danika groaned and squeezed her eyes shut tighter when the light hit her face, whining the blonde lifted the blanket over her head as she turned on her other side. Her head was pounding and the young woman could feel all her muscles ache. Her mouth felt so dry it was like there was sand in her mouth. Danika stretched her arm but froze when she felt a warm body next to her.

Panic coursed through her and the young blonde yelped and tried to scramble off the bed, but tripped when her feet got tangled up with the sheets.

"What are you doing?" a sleepy voice asked

The young O'Brien twisted until she could face her bedmate, she knew that voice well enough seeing as she spent an entire day yesterday with her.

"What am I doing?" Danika exclaimed "What about you? Why are you in my bed?"

Jacqueline sat up and yawned "The drinks last night really did a number on you didn't they"

"What?" it was not often that Danika would drink so much that she would get a hangover and forget the events of the night before.

Jac sighed "Alright let's start from after we left Krysa's shop"

******************

The sky was darkening when Jacqueline offered to drive Danika back to her aunt's house. Aileen had called her niece earlier to inform her that there was a business emergency and needed to return home. The blue eyed woman, overhearing the conversation and concerned for Danika's safety, volunteered to bring her back.

"You really don't need to bring me all the way home" Danika said, fidgeting in her seat.

Jacqueline backed out onto the main road "Absolutely not! You are my friend and I should at least make sure you get home alright"

Danika fell silent.

Friends. Majority of the blonde's life was propriety and phoney smiles, friendships were never easy or sincere. There was always a motive to someone's actions, it was exhausting to a child.

But now, there was this stranger with an easy smile and open expression offering friendship. A true and real friendship.

Maybe it was the exhaustion or the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that's been present since her childhood but Danika could only feel something light settle in her chest. She quieted, smiling in her seat as her new friend drove on.

They arrived at Aileen's home by dinner to which the older O'Brien invited Jac to, insisting all the while that the brunette should have something in her stomach before she went home. With that Aileen left them to rest and wash up before the meal, Jac was too stunned to make any protest.

The events of the day had been exhausting and Danika was in need of a good wine on days like this.

Much to the youngest O'Brien's relief her aunt felt the same way, or just took a look at her niece's face and thought she could use a drink.

Once the wine was poured Danika snatched up the glass and brought it closer to her face, sniffed delicately at the pale lemon colored drink then sipped. Danika closed her eyes and sighed in pleasure.

At the sound Jac and Aileen exchanged smiles before drinking the wine from their glasses.

Time and wine flowed as the moon rose higher and higher in the sky. The youngest O'Brien resisted, insisting on drinking more, trying her hardest to drown her emotions.

It wasn't difficult getting the glass and the fourth bottle of wine away from the drunken girl but Jacqueline, just as drunk or arguably more, had difficulty moving her limbs properly.

The two burst into Danika's bedroom with Aileen behind them, tipsy but still aware enough to get two young women into bed before collapsing into her own.

******************

It was officially day three of the young heiress' trip but she still had no leads and she was losing time. Danika was restless, during breakfast she was constantly fidgeting, playing with her food and refilling her water every time she took a small sip.

"Do you want me to talk to her or do you want to do it?" Jac whispered

Aileen sighed "I'll talk to her. I have an idea on what might be bothering her."

As the older woman stood up a ringing could be heard from from the entrance. "I'll get it" Jacqueline hopped out from her seat and headed to the front door, allowing the O'Brien women to have some privacy.

Danika lifted her head when she heard the taller girl speak but Jacqueline was already out of the room.

Silently, Aileen went over to her niece and set down two sets of cups and a steaming pot of tea.

Aileen poured the tea in both cups and pushed one toward the younger woman.

"Whenever I was feeling...off, my mother could always tell and would make tea to comfort me" she lifted the cup to sip at the hot drink "After dinner, and after you went up to your room, Jacqueline and I had a few drinks and she mentioned that you're looking for a 'very fancy necklace'"

Danika froze, her eyes were wide as she stared up at her aunt's face. The younger O'Brien had always kept her reasons for coming to the island to herself. Danika knew that the reason would be considered ridiculous to a lot of people.

"My mother told me the story too, Mo stoirín" Aileen reminded her gently. "She told the story every chance she could, during bedtime, dinners, family gatherings. It's impossible to forget. A prince makes a choice, the woman who loves him dies because of those choices and a friend who loved her curses him and his descendants' loved ones to die, forcing his entire line to feel the same way she did. Now that I think about it, it is not an appropriate story for children" she said thoughtfully, a sad, far away look entered her eyes.

Danika looked away, turning to watch the trees sway in the light breeze. She had forgotten that it wasn't just her who had lost someone important, everyone in her father's family had lost someone too. Her mind drifted back to Sean and Cara starting their own family and shivered.

The young woman turned back to her aunt "Do you believe it?"

Aileen took a long sip of her tea "Why does my opinion matter?"

"Don't you think I'm being ridiculous? Still believing in fairy tales after all these years" Danika asked

Aileen sighed "There are times when I do believe and there are times when I don't, but my opinion shouldn't matter. What's important is what this little quest means for you. Will you finally find peace after everything?"

Danika fell silent again, there were still things she had to think about.

Loud footsteps could be heard racing down the hallway and Jacqueline was back, panting "Hey, uh Danika you need to come with us right now. We might find a potential lead to that fancy necklace you're looking for"

The blonde could only blink "We?"

Outside, Danika was surprised to find Krysanthe standing by Jacqueline's car, the short blonde smiled shyly at the two as they came closer.

"Good morning Danika." she greeted "I hope you're well this morning"

"I'm..." Danika paused, trying to find the right word "fine-ish" she then frowned "Why don't you come inside to talk. Jac said you had a lead"

"Actually, I need you to come with me. The lead is back at the Antique Shop"

A little later the trio arrived at the store. Krysanthe quickly unlocked the door and went in, Jacqueline and Danika followed her inside.

The store was actually quite large inside, the first thing people would see upon entering the establishment was the counter and register, the rest of the store were the different items displayed for customers. There were two other doors in the store, one on the other side of the store and one behind the counter.

"What made you change your mind?" Danika asked taking in the contents of the store, there were a variety of items, and while the young heiress couldn't be sure of the details she could tell by the quality of some items that they should be more expensive than the price displayed.

"Jacqueline forwarded a picture of the necklace and honestly I have personal interest in the necklace." Krysanthe admitted "The necklace has been in this shop since I was a child, when I saw it something just came over me. I kept going back to look at it whenever I could even though I was prohibited from going anywhere near it.

"One day the owner of the store found me really close to touching it and essentially locked me out of the store for almost a week. By the time she let me back in here, the necklace was gone." Krysanthe continued as she went behind the counter to unlock the door behind it.

"Follow me." Krysanthe took a step forward before stopping to face Jacqueline.

"Touch. Nothing." the shorter girl said with a hard glare.

Jacqueline gasped dramatically, putting her hand on her chest "How dare you assume I would cause any damage just by touching-"

Krysanthe raised an eyebrow "You caused almost eighteen thousand euros worth of damages in my flower shop just by touching the display"

Pink stained the brunette's cheeks, she laughed sheepishly "Oh right, I forgot about that"

Behind the counter was a small office, the room itself had minimal decor but there was a desk at the center of the room with four metal cabinets behind it. On the desk was a computer and a few personal items.

Krysanthe made quick work going through the drawers of the cabinet before pulling out a folder, she sifted through the papers before pulling one from the pile.

"Alright, so there was a meeting set up earlier this month for the necklace, the buyer came and they discussed the terms of the sale" Krysanthe's face fell as she read through the page

"Does that mean we can't get it now?"

The shorter woman flipped through the pages and her face brightened "The buyer wanted the necklace for an auction" the dark blonde grinned "We still have a chance"

Danika moved closer, peeking over the woman's shoulder "When's the auction?"

"It's..." her green eyes scanned the paper, her eyes widened and her face twisted in distress "Three days from now" Taglist: @mel-writes-with-her-dragons @dustylovelyrun @woodhousejay

[artificialqueens]

Hold Me Tighter (Even Closer), Chapter 3 (Branjie, Jankie) - Joley

ao3 link

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Brooke Lynn furrowed her brows and strummed her fingers against the table. “So, let me see if I’ve got this right – you invited Jan over to practice for her audition, got wine drunk, then dry-humped until she got off?”

Jackie nodded in confirmation, her eyes fixated more on her coffee cup than Brooke – she had to build back up to being able to make eye-contact. “Then in the morning she was gone and she left me a note,” she finished, holding the piece of paper up. “I really fucked up, didn’t I?”

“It wasn’t your smartest move,” she told her, trying not to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. “But if she just left like that, she’s probably just as scared as you are. Listen, the first day I met Vanessa was a mess. I walked her home from work that night, kissed her, and then literally ran away. She still makes fun of me for it.”

The story made Jackie laugh, but it caught her by surprise as well. She had always seen Brooke as someone so unshakably confident. “I guess if things worked out for you guys, all hope isn’t totally lost…” She took another sip from her drink and sighed. “I still don’t know how I’m going to face her in class on Monday,” she admitted.

Brooke reached across the table and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “Just focus on your work. I promise I’ll find something to keep you busy, okay?” As much as she wanted to continue her matchmaking game, she could see that the tension needed to diffuse before she tried to push them closer. Just because Katya lucked out didn’t mean lightning would strike twice.

Jackie’s entire body relaxed in relief. She was still anxious about seeing Jan again, but it meant a lot to know that Brooke was looking out for her. “Okay. Yes, thank you. I can work with that.” She nodded, then checked her phone. “I have to get going, though. I’ll talk to you later,” she said as she gathered her things, including the note that she tucked into her pocket.

Brooke smiled and waved her off. She stayed put, though. She was expecting Vanessa any minute now. They liked meeting here when they could, after all, it was the café A’keria recently became the owner of, the same one she’d started working in after the Starbucks fiasco all those years ago. It was sentimental to them now.

“Hey boo,” Vanessa greeted as she walked in, leaning over and giving her wife a kiss before sitting down. “Must’ve just missed Jackie, how’s she doing?”

“The poor girl is going through it,” Brooke shook her head sympathetically. “She and Jan got drunk and fooled around, and Jan left before she woke up. She left a Post-It or something.”

Vanessa frowned and shook her head. “Mh-mm, I hate Post-Its. If you’re gonna dip, send a text like a normal person,” she mused.

“Maybe she thought a handwritten note would be more meaningful,” she reasoned. “Regardless, she’s just gonna need some time to recover before we continue with any matchmaking shenanigans.”

Vanessa gave a firm nod of agreement. “Understood.” She sat quietly for a moment, strumming her fingernails against the table. “I wanna talk about the baby thing.”

Brooke blinked in surprise at the abrupt subject change but leaned in to listen attentively nonetheless. “Of course, what’s on your mind?”

“Listen… I know we got good genes and all, but I don’t wanna create a baby in a lab when there are so many kids that need a family. I had friends in foster care when I was little, you know? That shit must’ve really sucked for them. And I just think… You and me are in a position to really help a kid out,” she told her, then held her breath as she waited for her wife’s response.

Brooke reached across the table and held Vanessa’s hands. “Baby girl, if that’s what you want, I am a hundred percent on board. I think that’s a wonderful motivation to adopt. We can start looking at agencies as soon or as late as you want. I’m in this with you all the way,” her thumb stroked over Vanessa’s wedding band. “That’s what I promised you. That’s the promise I make to you every day as your wife.”

Vanessa blinked and looked down. “Shit, you gonna make me cry,” she mumbled, giving Brooke’s hand a light squeeze to reassure her she was okay. “Guess we gotta think about redecorating the guest room then, huh?”

“You know my weakness for interior design,” she cooed, pressing a kiss to the back of Vanessa’s hand.

—

By the time Monday rolled around, Jackie had talked herself out of most of her anxiety. When the time was right, she thought, she could talk things out with Jan. But until then, she had a job to do, a job that she did like.

Jackie’s main task was to write a lot of information on the chalkboard. It was perfect as far as she was concerned – having her back to the class meant she didn’t have to worry about making awkward eye contact with Jan. She had to admit, it was kind of a genius move on Brooke’s part.

Jan, however, was left with a predicament of her own. She and Gigi had sat in the front because even with contacts or glasses, they were both nearsighted as all hell. However, this put Jackie right in her line of sight, and she immediately began regretting her decision.

While the dress Jackie wore came down to her knees, the fabric clung to her body in a way that accentuated some of her best physical features.

And Jan hadn’t meant to stare – staring was rude and her mother taught her better. But she would be damned if Jackie’s ass wasn’t hypnotizing her. She couldn’t help but wonder how she hadn’t noticed before.

“You’re gonna snap your pen in half with the way you’re biting it,” Gigi poked Jan’s shoulder, snapping her friend out of her trance. “Also, some subtlety really wouldn’t hurt you right now.”

Jan blushed, looking down at her notes, which were nowhere near as detailed as usual. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Gigi chuckled. “Please, your eyes were about to burn a hole into her butt.”

“They were not, I was just reading the board,” she insisted, but now that she had to actively avoid staring, her body seemed all the more compelled to continue. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, trying to get her mind and body on the same page.

“Hey, you have good taste, I’m just saying be less obvious about it.”

Jan just buried her face in her notes, hoping that if she focused on getting work done, her mind would stop conjuring images of Jackie in various states of undress.

“…And that’ll just about do it,” Brooke Lynn was saying. “You guys are free to go, see you Wednesday.” She closed her book, punctuating the dismissal. Her eyes followed the students out of the room, waiting until they were alone before speaking to Jackie. “How are you feeling?”

Jackie exhaled deeply, dropping herself down onto the desk closest to Brooke’s as if she were dead weight. “I feel okay. I think not having to look at her made it easy. Have you seen her eyes? They’re so warm and brown and–”

“–And couldn’t stay off of you,” Brooke finished with a smirk. “Jackie, she is hot for you, you should’ve seen how she was staring at you. I already knew you have a great ass, but damn, it had a magnetic pull on that poor girl.”

Jackie turned a shade of red deeper and brighter than it had ever been. She suddenly became hyper-aware of her body, not necessarily in a self-conscious way – in fact, part of her was flattered – but it was overwhelming to process at first. “I guess she might not regret the other night that much then,” she managed with a strangled laugh.

“Honey, it’s pretty clear she wants a repeat performance. I wasn’t even paying all that much attention to her, but I swear I almost offered her a towel,” she chuckled.

Even though Jan was long gone, Jackie looked out of the classroom and into the hall, as if she could still catch sight of her. “I never thought I’d be relieved to be objectified,” she mused.

Brooke let out a light laugh at that. “So you’ll go talk to her?”

She shook her head as her gaze drifted back to the desk. “Not yet. Soon… Hopefully soon. I think I’ll know when I’m ready.”

—

“Well, other than you ogling the TA you fooled around with, I think today went well,” Gigi said as they walked back to the residence hall. “You ready for your audition later?”

“I wasn’t ogling her.” Jan chewed on her lip. “Don’t laugh, but…” She shifted awkwardly as she looked anywhere but directly at her friend. “I’m worried I might be too… distracted to nail it.”

Gigi looked at her friend with an arched brow. “First of all, yes you were. We established this. Second, you think you’ll be too horny to focus on singing?” She really did try her best not to laugh, but a small giggle slipped through. “Babe, just masturbate like a normal person before you go.”

She huffed. “Don’t you think I’ve thought of that? Lem’s probably gonna be in there, what am I supposed to do, tell her to leave so I can jerk off? We’re close, Geege, but I think there’s a line.”

“Then go in the shower. Jesus, do I have to spell it out for you?” Gigi rolled her eyes.

“You don’t think it’s weird to get off thinking about someone you’re not dating?” Jan asked quietly.

Her friend pinched the bridge of her nose. “At this point I just think you need to do it so you stop sounding so neurotic and paranoid. Hell, if I wasn’t in a committed relationship, I’d offer to help you out myself.”

Jan cocked her head to the side. “Thanks, I think.”

When Jan did get back to the dorm, she saw Lemon on her bed with her AirPods in, just as she’d anticipated. She waved at her to get her attention, waiting for her to take one of them out. “Hey sweetie, I’m just gonna shower before my audition. You know, get nice and calm,” she told her.

Lemon smiled and nodded. “Oh shit, I forgot that was today. Break a leg! But like, not in the shower. That would be bad.”

Jan chuckled as she grabbed what she needed to bring into the bathroom. “I don’t know where I’d be without your wisdom, doll,” she winked playfully before leaving.

The first thing Jan did once she got in the shower was put music on – this wasn’t her first rodeo, so to speak. Even with earbuds in, she knew she ran the risk of Lemon hearing her moan if she didn’t drown it out. With the music playing and water running, Jan undressed and stepped into the shower, letting out a sigh of relief the second the hot water hit her body.

After she washed her hair, Jan leaned against the shower wall, resting her head against the cool tile. She let her hand travel down her body. There was a moment of hesitation when her fingers grazed over her pussy, but after a deep breath, she began rubbing her clit with two fingers. Her eyes fluttered shut as soft, breathy moans slipped out.

“Fuck…” Jan wasn’t thinking about anything at first, but without even trying, her thoughts drifted to Jackie, to what happened the other night, to that day in class. And once she got started, there was no chance of stopping. “Oh, Jackie…” she moaned, rocking against her fingers. Her free hand went to her breast, groping it, and tweaking her nipple.

By the time her orgasm hit, Jan needed to rest her entire weight against the wall to keep herself up. Her legs were shaking and she was whimpering, taking deep breaths as she finally felt sturdy enough to stand back upright. After that, she just did a quick wash off her face and body before getting out and drying off, going back into the bedroom wrapped up in her robe shortly after.

“Hey, feeling any better?” Lemon asked casually. It was clear she hadn’t moved an inch this whole time, nor was she aware of what Jan had gotten up to.

“Much better, actually,” Jan nodded, taking the towel wrap off of her head and combing her hair out. “What’s your plan for the rest of the day?” she asked as she continued getting ready.

Lemon paused her music and took out her earbuds, she had been waiting for an opportunity to talk about herself. “Actually, I’m meeting up with a girl later.” She didn’t wait for Jan to ask before she continued. “Okay, so, like, I had just lit a joint and I see this really pretty girl – tall, you know how I like ‘em – and she seems hella stressed, so I offer her a hit. So, we’re smoking and chatting and long story short, we have a date tonight.”

“That was the short version?” Jan teased as she got dressed. “I’m guessing it’ll be more of the same?”

She scoffed. “No… We’ll probably fuck too.”

Jan laughed softly as she straightened her hair, then pulled it up into a high ponytail. “Well, it’s always nice to have an itinerary,” she hummed. “I’ll see you later.”

—

“Next!”

Jan stepped onto the stage and held herself with confidence. She introduced herself, handed the sheet music to the pianist, and then she simply did what she did best; she sang. She gave it her all, emoting all the right words, belting all the right notes. There was a lingering rush of adrenaline when she finished. “Thank you,” she smiled politely and made her way off stage.

“Great job up there,” a distinct voice out of seemingly nowhere caused Jan to jump, startled.

“Oh, thanks Vanjie,” Jan smiled, running her fingers through her ponytail. “I didn’t realize anyone other than the directors were watching.”

Vanessa shrugged. “People gave up tryna tell me what to do a long time ago. Except for Brooke, but there’s always an exception for the wife. But anyway… you feelin’ okay? I don’t know all the details, but I know you had a rough weekend.”

Of course, Jan figured Vanessa knew more than she let on – she could safely assume Jackie told Brooke, and Brooke told Vanessa. But she hoped some details had gotten lost in translation. “Oh, yeah, I guess,” she bounced awkwardly on the balls of her feet. “Things are a little weird, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Listen, I’ve been in your shoes. The worst thing you can do is overthink it. Brooke did it, Jackie does it, and I get the vibe you do too. Not everything’s as deep as y’all make it out to be, you know?”

Jan chewed her lip and nodded. Sure, she knew Vanessa was right, but it was easier said than done. It wasn’t something she could simply stop doing, something she could just turn on and off at will. “The situation’s just… It’s complicated. But I get what you’re saying, I do,” she assured. “All I wanna focus on now is being able to sleep tonight so I can be ready to see if I got a callback tomorrow.”

Vanessa gave Jan’s arm a gentle, reassuring squeeze. “You got this. Ain’t no one around you doubting that.”

And Jan tried her best to take that to heart, she tried to stay positive the rest of the night, to turn her brain off when it was finally time to sleep. She was pretty sure she passed out at nearly three in the morning, but as soon as her alarm went off, she shot right out of bed.

Lemon rolled onto her side, watching Jan scramble to get ready with energy from god knows where. “How the fuck do you do that?” she mumbled groggily.

Jan shrugged as she brushed her hair. “It’s a blessing and a curse, Lem.” She checked her phone. “The callback list should be up by the time I get there,” she murmured, offering a quick goodbye to her roommate before she was out the door.

By the time she got to the auditorium, there was already a small group of hopeful actors forming outside the doors. And as soon as the list went up, they all crowded around it.

Too impatient to wait, Jan made her way to the front, offering haphazard apologies to everyone she bumped out of the way. It was worth it for the happiness and relief she felt when she saw that she was on the callback list for Veronica.

The first thing she did was call Gigi and did her best to not scream into the phone. “I got a callback! And there were only two other girls listed for Veronica, Geege, I’m this close to getting it. I can taste it.”

“That’s my girl, I knew you’d crush it,” Gigi replied. “You’re gonna nail the callback too, and don’t be afraid to take my advice again if you need it.”

Jan furrowed her brows. “How did you know I followed your advice?”

Gigi had a smug grin that Jan swore she could feel through the phone. “I didn’t.”

[farelian]

Humans Are Space Orcs: Mood Swings

Now, hello everyone that’s on Tumblr, this is my first Humans Are Space Orcs writing piece and my first ever post. Idk if it’s already done before, but I’m going to give it a shot. now please be advised, I have terrible English, just wanna mention that before we dive in.  Fair warning, again, I don’t know a whole lot about mood swings or what generally causes them. I know stress and puberty are the two common ones, periods as well but I don’t know how they play out. So... yeah I’m sorry, I just want to share my story and become a part of the HASO com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It’s been an entire week since he migrated to the Zarqon’s homeworld, Zarkin. Being the only human interesting in Xenos, and being alone all the time is starting to plague his mind. The once outgoing Michael Stone, eager to know more about their galactic neighbors, is now in his residence block with his arms crossed, looking out the window with a sour expression on his face. Watching the still, and tall skyscrapers of Zarqon design. He took a deep breath, trying to get the loneliness out of his mind as he sat up, going to the whistling kettle that’s in his kitchen. He pours the hot water into a glass, mixing it with normal water making it warm. He quickly drank it, setting the glass down, letting out a sigh. He’s not in a good mood today, a bit angry that he doesn’t even have service to call back home to Earth, talk to his family. He just wanna stay in his residence, cooling off. That is until the comms on the door becomes online. The sound of a creaky, although soothing, high-pitched female voice of his Zarqon guide and city memorizer calling from the lobby speaks. “Sir Michael, you haven’t left your residence this morning for our routine tour of the city. May I know why?” The Zarqon female asked through the comms. Michael goes back to the couch, falling back down onto it with a loud thud. Not the best he ever sat on, but the Zarqons are doing there best at least. Still doesn’t help with his mood though. “Nothing, Yaku. I’m just not feeling it today, can we go tomorrow?” “Well Sir Michael, that still doesn’t answer my question. What do you mean by “Not feeling it today”? Is it a form of human emotion I am not aware of?” He really didn’t want to be bothered today, even talking to his favorite alien doesn’t help a whole lot. He took another deep breath to quell his anger and doesn’t lash out at his kind guide. “No, no... it’s not that, I just feel a little exhausted Yaku, that’s all really” He said calmly, taking deep breaths to control himself. “Oh well that is alright, do you want me to send you food or-” She got cut off “Look Yaku, just don’t bother me okay. I’m in a bad mood” Michael yelled out at her, he couldn’t stop his anger as he looked back at the comms on the front door.to see that Yaku is silent. He knows how sensitive Zarqons are, they can take literally anything as an insult. “Y-Yaku, I’m sorry I didn’t mean-” “Want to get ice cream? We got a new delivery from Earth specifically for you” Yaku suddenly said in the middle of his sentence. He immediately perked up, smiling widely standing up from the couch. As soon as he heard ice cream, all of his loneliness, troubles, and anger are washed away in a tidal wave, replaced by nothing but cool water. “Ice cream? Oh fuck yeah! I’ll come, what’d they got for me?” He said walking towards the door to talk with Yaku more appropriately. There were a few seconds of silence, Yaku checking the ice cream batch. “It’s... “Chimichangas” I don’t understand what that is” Chimichangas? really? they sent a delivery of ice cream and they got CHIMICHANGA FLAVOR? He didn’t even know chimichanga is a flavor of ice cream now, at this point everything is a flavor of ice cream. What a mood crusher, his smile quickly fades away, rolling his eyes and groaning in annoyance before flopping back onto the couch. “Fucking hell, get that disgusting piece of shit away from anywhere near my body” A few seconds of silence ensues again. “So... is that a no Sir Mich-” She got cut off again. “YES THAT’s A NO, also cut off with the “Sir” bullshit, it’s too fucking formal” He lashed out again, crossing his arms going back to watching the still skyscrapers. He suddenly got the feeling of sadness wash over him, he really wanted ice cream, all they got is fucking chimichanga flavor. He then got up, going to the kitchen again leaning on the counter. Looking at the glass he used earlier to drink the water. He slid his hand across the counter, and threw the glass to the wall, shattering it upon impact as he groans angrily. “THEY GOT ME CHIMICHANGA FLAVOR? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!” He paced around his room, clenching his fist walking in circles looking down at the floor, angry. The doorbell rings, and he looked up at the door. The door swings open, Yaku standing on the other side of the doorway looking at him with her bulbous big purple eyes, holding a flute in her hands holding it with all six of her fingers. She enters the room, moving four of her tentacle legs having a mundane, awkward expression on her face. Michael looked at Yaku, feeling guilty that he yelled at her, she must be mad, really mad that she’s going to bash him with the flute. He took a step backward, holding up his hands. “Oh shit, Yaku I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell at you” He braced for the flute to bash open his skull, but it never came. Instead, Yaku offered him the flute. “I heard that you are particularly good with this one human instrument, I would like you to play it, and it’s okay, I’m not angry” Letting out a sigh of relief, and a deep breath to make sure he doesn’t lash out again.  He took hold of the flute, smiling at Yaku. She knows the human smile, it’s not aggressive or threatening, it’s a show of good peace and behavior. “Well, thank you, Yaku. Come sit on the couch, I’ll play a few songs”

[lovemesomesurveys]

● Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. A lot of time wasted.  “I wasted my time...”   ● What 5 websites do you visit often, and why? Tumblr, YouTube, Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.  ● Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it. Some would consider knickknacks and collectibles and stuff useless, and I mean yeah they just sit on a shelf, but I like stuff like that.  ● What music album would be used for a movie about your life? I don’t know. ● List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them. I got a lot of bad habits. As for addictions, caffeine and my pain medicine. I don’t abuse it, I take it as prescribed, but after so long your body develops a dependency. I remember several years ago I tried to cut out caffeine. It lasted a couple days, I think. haha. The headaches are no joke.

● If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind? There’s a long list of things I’d want to change, but I mean if I could have good health (mentally and physically) that would make a big difference. I think some other changes would follow. I can’t imagine I’d ever change my mind about that. ● What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same? I’m a Christian now. Up until 4 years ago I was atheist and then agnostic.  ● When was your last food craving, and what did you crave? I’ve been wanting Doritos tacos from Taco Bell lately. ● Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Philip when I was in 3rd grade. He was a grade or two above me. He and I were turning the jump rope for people during this event my elementary school had every year called, Jump Rope for Heart. It was to get people active and raise awareness. Anyway, he was across from me holding the other end of the rope and I just thought he was cute haha.  ● Name your most cherished childhood memory. I have a lot of those. I loved my childhood. It wasn’t without struggle or obstacles, but for some reason those things aren’t what stand out the most. I was a strong, resilient kid. Kid me would be so ashamed of how weak I am now. ● Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then? I don’t feel like looking back on old surveys right now. ● What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? Hmm. ● Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way? Wait, literally or metaphorically? I mean, metaphorically I’d like to take the road that takes me to working on myself and leading to some happiness and success. That’d be nice.  ● Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it? Uhh there’s a lot of things. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time in my life each passing year. I’m just wasting away. I want to just...live. Travel more. Do something with my life. My physical health has been a contributing factor, but ultimately it’s me. It’s my mental health. That affects me more than anything else. ● Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? It happened behind the drama department at my high school. It unexpected and awkward, but it was my first kiss so it was all I knew. I was so giddy about having had my first kiss it didn’t matter haha. ● What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently? Oh jeez. I have a lot of regrets. One that weighs heavily on me in recent years relates to my health. I’m very stubborn. I should have taken better care of myself. I should have neglected certain things. Some things don’t just go away, they get worse. And here I am, still not taking care of myself like I should be. Each passing year... ● What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it? I Love Me by Demi Lovato. I just really like the song.

● Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? Just going back to the big thing that’s been weighing heavily on my mind these past few years that I talked about up there. ● Write about your greatest fear. Death, losing loved ones, never getting better/getting worse, and never doing anything with my life. ● Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. Hmm. ● Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds. I mean, there have been some times where things turned out to be not as bad as I thought they would be.  ● If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? I’ve talked about it enough.  ● Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about? Last night when my mom got home from work. She was just telling me about stuff that happened at work and the latest Coronavirus news. It’s a wild time right now. All the cancellations of events, school campuses closing, and empty shelfs because people are stockpiling on hand sanitizer, face masks, and toilet paper. Italy is quarantined. I’ve never witnessed anything like this. ● Describe a time you felt alone. I feel that way a lot. I don’t spend a lot of time physically alone, but I still feel alone a lot. ● Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? Uhh earlier I found a new ASMR channel on YouTube to watch haha. ● What’s on your calendar for tomorrow? I have a doctor appointment.  ● What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard? Eating sounds make my skin crawl.  ● Describe your first job. I’ve never had one.  ● What is the one thing you cannot live without? Besides oxygen, food, and water; my family. And coffee. That doesn’t get lumped into food or water, coffee gets its own honorable mention.  ● Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you. Lane said I was strong, beautiful, brave, and rocked red hair like nobody’s business. :D ● Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not? I can’t sleep if it’s completely dark or quiet, which is why I sleep with the TV on. I’d be scared if the electricity went out and it was dark if I was home alone. I wouldn’t go anywhere alone at night. Even with with someone I’m heightened alert. ● Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. A week. ● Write about a recent adventure or travels. I went to Disneyland for a few days last month. It was awesome. ● Who did you idolize growing up? My mom and grandma. And some celebrities at the time that were around my age like Hilary Duff. ● Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. Alexander Skarsgard. ● Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning. Take my medicine, use the restroom, have coffee.  ● Name one thing you have always been good at doing. Jumping to the worst case scenarios. ● What is your favorite season, and why? Fall and winter. I love the weather, the clothes, the scents, the holidays, and just the coziness of it all. ● What was the title of the last book you read? I’m currently reading, “The Girl That Vanished” by A.J. Rivers. It’s the sequel to, “The Girl in Cabin 13.” ● List your biggest regrets. I talked about one of them already. That’s enough for today. ● Have you ever seen a ghost? No. ● Describe your note-taking style and habits. Bullet points, underlining, asterisks, and highlighting.  ● Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? Yes. You have to figure that out for yourself, we all have a different purpose. I’m still trying to figure mine out. ● What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic? I’ve never heard that phrase. ● Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? Drinking, smoking weed, and taking a ride in a truck at night on a backroad at night near a levee. That was scary, but definitely an adrenaline rush.  ● What is your favorite cliché? Actions speak louder than words. ● What are all your thoughts on god? I believe in God.  ● How do rainy days make you feel? I love rainy days. I do the same things I do any other day, but it’s just cozy. The sound is relaxing. ● What is the most amount of money you have had at one time? A couple grand. ● Write a celebrity crush list. Alexander Skarsgard. ● What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced? I couldn’t pick just one thing. ● What effect does music have on you? It can perk me up, it can give me a little energy if I need to clean, it can make me sad, it can make me zone out, it can make me relax.  ● What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday? Uhhh. ● What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? I’m sure the very first thing they notice is I’m in a wheelchair. Then probably how thin I am. Then perhaps my hair and my black rimmed glasses. Maybe my freckles. ● Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. ● Does Never Never Land really exist? No, sadly.  “Cause Neverland is home, to lost boys like me...” ● Where is a great place to get breakfast? This local place that’s known more for their burgers, fries, and shakes, but actually have bomb breakfast, too. I love their country gravy. ● List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today. It’s only 2 in the morning, but so far I had ramen, I’m finishing up my Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink, and I’m watching/listening to an ASMR video. Not a bad start, but we’ll see how the rest of the day goes... I have a doctor appointment later that I’m not looking forward to. Afterwards my mom and I are going grocery shopping and I’ll probably pick up Wingstop on the way home. It’s been hot lately and I’ve had a nagging headache the past couple days, so I hope that isn’t the case today. ● What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled? Car and plane.  ● If you could give the world just one thing, what would it be? Peace. ● What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? English throughout school, with the addition of psychology in college. My worst was always math. I struggled with science, too. Philosophy was really fucking hard. ● Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do. I haven't really been dared to do anything too outrageous.  ● Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? Strawberry, but vanilla is good as well.  ● What historical events happened the year you were born? Ted Bundy was electrocuted.  ● Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail as possible. I’m on my bed and there’s 2 giraffe stuffed animals, one is a big squishy one. I love all my giraffe stuffed animals, which there are a LOT of. ● Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery. I visited a Walt Disney museum a couple years ago. It was really cool. ● What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet? I’m the wrong person to ask about well balanced diets. Well balanced for me is Wingstop, ramen, this pizza from my favorite local pizza place, scrambled eggs, and coffee. haha. ● Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it. I talked about the coronavirus, which is a big issue and hot topic currently, and my feelings to it already. ● If you had only one wish, what would you wish for? Cures for all diseases. ● If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say? Wash your hands!  ● Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else). Nah. ● Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Noooo. ● Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. I need to devote time to taking care of myself and taking some necessary steps. ● What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication? I have too many favorite books. ● Describe your first car. I’ve never had my own car. I don’t drive. ● Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary? I love them.

[ixeliema]

Insecure - Shane x my farmer, Terra

By popular demand (sort of, I mean I have never posted content on Tumblr out of fear it would get stolen or that I’d get harassed for it, so “popular” means like 2 reblogs and around 30 likes, THANK YOU ALL), here’s my fic about Shane being an awkward scared bean!

Summary: Terra and Shane had grown really close over time, and have formed somewhat of a routine. Shane goes to the saloon after work, Terra meets him with a beer for conversation. When Terra stops coming to the saloon, Shane begins to wonder what he did wrong, and if he messed up.

TWs: Implied self harm near the end, Talk of Suicide and Suicide Attempts, Anxiety and Depression, General Angst, Language (let’s be honest, Shane definitely swears a lot)

Word Count: 5373

Thursday, 18 Spring, Year 2 – 3:40 PM

 I hadn’t seen her in days, and I was beginning to wonder if I’d done something wrong.

Stocking those infernal shelves day after day made it hard for us to see each other as it was, even though we’d been dating over half a year by now.

At the end of last summer, she’d approached me shyly and handed me a bouquet and a beer. The beer, I’d come to expect, as she’d began greeting me at the saloon on a nightly basis when I got there at 6, drink in hand, and during the summer, sometimes with a freshly grown hot pepper.

Even after starting my therapy, she was always there with something, whether it was a beer because I’d “earned it” or a sparkling water because I was still trying to get away from my past emotional crutch and she knew that. Hell, she knew that all too well.

But two days ago, she wasn’t there. I was worried so I sent her a letter, and even then, no response. With work, I didn’t have much time to ask around town or visit, so I’d asked Jas and Marnie to tell me if they saw her anywhere, and even then, nothing.

I was becoming increasingly more convinced that I’d upset her somehow. What had I done in the last week to upset her? Had it been my tone when we talked on Saturday? Was it the beer can on the floor when she came to see me at home on Sunday? What WAS it?

I shook my head. Deep breaths, Shane. I channeled my counsellor’s advice. “Don’t panic, just breathe.” I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.

“SHANE.” Morris’ voice boomed behind me. Startled, I stood up quickly, can of chili still in hand.

“Yes, sir?” I somehow managed to say without stuttering, despite my nerves still being high from the voice behind me.

“Your shift ends in an hour and a half, and you still have two aisles to stock.” Morris didn’t really sound angry at me, but he wasn’t exactly known for being a pleasant person to work for. There was a reason the girl with the ginger hair at the counter looked like a corpse from dawn until dusk every day.

“Sorry sir, I was taking a quick breather.” I made up the excuse knowing that Morris wouldn’t care whether I was 5 centimeters from a mental breakdown or not. He wouldn’t care what I said.

“Just don’t let it happen again. You still have plenty of work to do.” He smiled at me, and I felt ill.

He turned around quickly at the sound of the doorbells jingling. “Hello, welcome to JojaMart!!”

I rolled my eyes. What, am I not allowed to breathe here anymore?

“Oh! Miss Terra!”

My shoulders shot up from the pouty slumped state they were in upon hearing her name. Terra? What was she doing here? She hates JojaMart almost as much as I do at this point.

I heard a hushed voice to Morris and rapid footsteps away from my direction. I rushed to the edge of the aisle, desperate to see her face, to ask what was wrong, if she was okay. If WE were okay.

Nothing, just the same tired cashier, and no Terra, no Morris.

I looked around a bit, but to no avail. She must have gone to his office to talk with him in private.

What for though? She literally talks shit about him every time we hang out. What would be so important that she’d be willing to talk to Morris PRIVATELY?

With a sigh, knowing that Morris would fire me if I was caught loitering around the aisles, I went back to work.

 Thursday, 18 Spring, Year 2 – 7:20 PM

 Never in my life had getting blackout drunk sounded so appealing as I sat in the corner, completely alone, and with far too many questions spinning around in my head.

Seriously, what was this afternoon all about? Even after changing out of my uniform and clocking out, Morris wouldn’t talk to me, and even if he did, I doubt he would have said anything. Not like he owes me anything, I’m just a pawn to him, and he has always made it clear he doesn’t “care” about us.

I felt my heart sink again as I remembered watching Terra walk away from the store through the glass doors in the rain, wanting desperately to call out to her but feeling completely powerless in the face of my fears and my douche of a boss.

Not even Lewis and Willy’s banter about fishing off the docks when they were young, or Gus’ finest pizza could snap me out of the funk I was in. The only thing I could understand tonight was that Terra blatantly didn’t want to see me today.

I stood up and left the saloon, far earlier than I ever had before. Maybe, just MAYBE, I could run into her, especially if she was trying to avoid me. She knew my schedule well, not like it was difficult to memorize. Wake, eat, work, drink, sleep; rinse and repeat. She knew exactly where I’d be and when, and if I had any chance of finding her, I needed to use that to my advantage.

 I started out toward the forest. Maybe she was fishing by the lake? She had a particular fondness for the dock where we’d first sat down and really talked, and she loved fishing there. Something about a “constant flow of 25-inch-long smallmouth bass.”

Upon finding nothing, I checked my phone. 8 PM. Maybe she was home? It was a longshot, at this hour, but worth a try. She really pushed her body to the limit when it came to sleeping.

I headed north to Vervain Farm, sidestepping some weeds and a fallen tree branch as I headed up the docks. Her farm was very much right in the middle of a number of small rivers, and the numerous “isles” that made up her farm were traversable only by small bridges.

“Terra?” I asked softly, almost as if my voice didn’t really WANT to be heard. Clearing my throat and shaking my head, I called again. “Terra?”

My voice echoed in the wind, as a chilling breeze swept through my tattered jacket and into my bones. No response. I approached her cabin and stood on the doorstep in the rain for what seemed like forever before I finally gathered the courage to actually knock louder than a pathetic tapping.

I heard silence, then a shuffle, and then nothing again. I knocked again, hoping she was there, but all that answered my knock was a muffled “mrow?”

Terra’s cat, Citrus, emerged from the cat door and rubbed up against my leg, before realizing I was soaked and shaking his head indignantly at me.

“Hey boy,” I said under my breath, well aware that it was cold enough to see my breath fogging up the night air. “Have you seen Terra?” I asked, stroking his fur with my cold hands.

He looked up at me, green eyes wide and curious. “Mrow?”

I sat down on the porch beneath the gable, petting Citrus for another few minutes, listening to the rain and his purring, and trying to breathe normally.

Where is she? My mind was going crazy, and I swore I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes.

I grabbed Citrus close and let out a single sob. The cat, more than a little disgruntled by my actions, meowed loudly in surprise and growled at me until I loosened my grip.

“S-sorry.” I stuttered, feeling my jaw tensing up and chattering from the cold. “I’m sorry.” I repeated, scratching the cat behind his ears.

The orange tabby mewled at me once more before reentering the house, and I sighed heavily.

Alone again.

I stood up and shook my head aggressively, feeling the raindrops flying out in all directions from my messy purple hair.

The rain had lightened up, and I knew that this was the only chance I had to get home without receiving another cold shower from mother nature.

As I descended the stairs, I swore I heard a voice inside, but then again, at this point, I was too tired, cold and sad to know if it was merely an auditory hallucination or not.

I fell into bed at Marnie’s place at 9 PM on the dot, and as I did, I tried to empty my mind of all these thoughts. Terra, my insecurities, my loneliness, everything. And as I eventually drifted off the sleep, around 2 in the morning, I dreamed of Terra and I’s first date.

The gridball game with the Tunnelers, the game where I kissed her suddenly out of excitement, and panicked, thinking I’d just ruined my chances with this wonderful woman who had given me hope again. As she kissed me back, I remember feeling everything fading into the shadows. The game’s noise, the crowd’s screams, the tipsy feeling inside my head, everything was gone. Only her and me.

And god, was it wonderful. The last Sunday of Fall, and the last game of the season. We’d won, but I barely even remember that part. I remembered the taste of her lips on mine. The faint scent of beer and fried food as I inhaled deeply, taking it all in.

Moments like that could drive an atheist to Yoba, because in that moment, I had kissed an angel.

On the bus ride home, she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder, hair messy, and a little bit tipsy herself. She was just so beautiful. Even as she drooled a bit on my jacket and made strange noises in her sleep, I just fell harder and harder for this woman every time I took a breath.

“Terra, I love you so much.” I said under my breath. “You give me hope that there is a future for me after all. You make me feel like I actually mean something to someone. You give me a reason to try harder, and I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done.”

A small snort answered my statement and I felt my face start to hurt from how wide I was smiling. “Terra, I think that I want to marry you someday. No, I know I do. Terra, I want to make me the happiest man alive…god this sounds so cheesy. I’m trying to say that…I love you. And I hope I can make you happy for the rest of my life.”

After the bus stopped in Pelican Town, I woke her and walked her home, thanking her for the wonderful time, and laughing at her jokes and her story about a funny dream she had on the ride home.

Of course, she didn’t know what I’d said, but I did. And those words were tattooed on my heart now. I want to marry her. I really, REALLY do. But I can’t propose without a Mermaid’s Pendant, and lord only knows how the hell you get one of those anymore.

Morris appeared in my dream, sly and shrewd. I knew he knew something, but there was no point in asking what he knew, because he would never tell me so long as he lived and breathed. He owed nothing to a stupid subordinate.

The night was long, and full of miniature dreams and nightmares in which I was alone and drowning in my fears.

God fucking damn it.

 Friday, 19 Spring, Year 2 – 8:20 AM

 A rolling fog had settled over the valley, and the walk to work was much chillier than usual.

The milky white haze was so thick that I could barely to the end of Marnie’s cow paddock. As I continued my walk, I wondered if maybe Terra would answer her phone.

I dialed her number and stared at her contact name as it rang. It read “Brat” with a purple heart emoji. I always wondered if she had me named something in her phone, especially since she was literally the only person in my contacts WITH a nickname.

“Hi this is Terra,” Her voice jolted me out of my daze.

“Terra, oh thank god, I was so worried—”

“Unfortunately, you caught me in the fields, on in the mines, or…whatever. Anyway, I’m not able to talk right now.” I exhaled. God, I was so stupid. Was I so desperate to hear her voice that I didn’t realize I’d gotten her voicemail? It’s not like I hadn’t heard it before.

I hung up. Even if I could competently leave a voicemail without enough “Uh’s” and “Um’s” to outdo Jeff Goldblum, I didn’t know what I’d say to her, much less if she wanted to hear it at all.

I sighed heavily, feeling like all my happiness was draining out of my fingertips into the foggy air.

I clenched my fists, in a vain attempt to stop myself from feeling so rotten. I didn’t have much say right now. After work, I could go to Pierre’s, or sit outside her house until she got home…actually no, the last one would just come across stalker-y. And at this point, the last thing I needed was to drive her further away.

God damn it! Damn it damn it damn it!

I kicked a rock into the mists of oblivion, hearing it splash into the river. I needed to get my dumb ass to work before I lost my job. Not like anyone else in town was hiring, so I’d be fucked if I lost the job.

So, dragging my feet more than I ever have in the past, I dragged my shallow corpse of a body into JojaMart.

 Friday, 19 Spring, Year 2 – 4:40 PM

 10 minutes until my shift ends. I said to myself, feebly attempting to ground myself in reality after the most out-of-it shift I’d ever had, even including all the ones I’d been forced to work while hungover.

The clock’s incessant ticking had me so high strung I was convinced that the next tick I’d hear would make me break the fucking thing over my knee.

A constant reminder of where I was, that ticking. A steady reminder that I’m wasting away stocking canned goods in a dead-end town for a corporate dunghill while the love of my life refuses to speak to me.

My eyes felt hollow, like they weren’t really seeing things, more like they just stared off into the blackness of nothingness and stayed there.

The snapping of Sam’s fingers in my face startled me back into reality. “Earth to Shane, hellooooo.”

“Sam?” I sounded almost drunk in my bewilderment, which wasn’t ideal right now. The last thing I need is for my coworker to think I’m zoning out because I’m drunk off my ass on-shift.

“Yeah, me.” He grinned his borderline obnoxious sunshiny smile. “Your shift ended like, 3 minutes ago. You’re usually out of here in a flash.”

I stared back at the clock I’d been fantasizing about murdering, surprised. He was right somehow.

“You’re one to talk, your shift ends at 4, what the hell are you doing here still?” I retorted, indignant at the younger man’s tone for no good reason.

Walls up.

“I fell asleep in the break room, don’t tell Morris.” He sniggered; way too proud of himself. “You going to the saloon? I’ll come with. I’ve got about twelve games of pool to lose tonight.”

I wasn’t thrilled by this bright and smiley tagalong, but it wasn’t like he was wrong. Where the hell else would I go? Not like anywhere else felt right today.

May as well let myself relapse like the coward I am.

“Sure. Give me a second to get out of this shitty uniform.” I said, disappearing into the break room.

 Friday, 19 Spring, Year 2 – 5:10 PM

 Sam wasn’t a bad guy really, but right now he was the worst guy for me to be around. He was too cheery, and far too talkative.

I thought the clock was annoying, but Sam reminded me far too much that I was a total wet blanket just by breathing with a smile.

“How was work, dude?” My mind didn’t really register the question until I heard the bells jingle as the door shut behind us.

“Uh?” I answered gracefully. “Oh, right. Work. Uh, um.” I stammered. Pathetic, Shane, you seriously suck shit at conversation. Why does anyone bother with you to begin with?

“Yeah, work. Good ol’ Joja.” Sam rolled his eyes. “Long day, huh?” He seemed sympathetic, but to me, that meant pity. And I didn’t need his pity.

“Yeah, sure.” I said.

Walls fortified.

“You okay?”

The fucking worst question of all. In the deluge of questions this kid asked me, that one bothered me most, and for really no good reason.

It made me angry, it made me want to cry, it made me want to scream, and it made me, most of all, just feel empty.

“Not really, Sam. Please stop talking.” Was the politest response I could manage.

Sam raised his finger as though he had something to say, but quickly decided against it.

Good. Please stop pressing me before I throw myself in the river and pack my coat full of stones.

We walked in silence for a while until we were passing the Mullner’s house, when Sam piped up again with a smile. “Hey Shane, I think tonight will help you get your mind off of…whatever’s going on.”

I stared at him, actually stopping in my tracks. Why did this kid sound so fucking condecending? And why did he give two shits about my mental wellbeing?

No one gave a shit about that, except Terra, and now she was gone.

“Why are you acting like you know me?” My voice was steeped in venom, probably more so than I’d intended. “Why do you give a fuck what’s going on with me?”

Sam stopped too, staring at me, worried.

“Stop acting like you understand me. It’s pissing me off.” I felt my face getting hot. It wasn’t anger, it was tears. “Get lost, kid.” I suppressed a sob, hurting my chest and making my eyes burn with tears.

Sam stepped toward me. “Shane, I didn’t mean—”

“SHUT UP!”

I turned around quickly as the tears fell. “Just…please…go away.” My voice choked. “Pl…ease.”

Sam took a deep breath, and then grabbed my arm, dragging me around the corner and through the door of the Stardrop Saloon.

“What the fuck are you--? Get your hands off me! Let me go! Get off!—” I struggled against his grip, but to no avail. I fell to the ground, and Sam dropped me. Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice.

“Shane?”

Turning around in a daze, I saw Terra. Golden earrings, brown hair tied neatly in a bun, familiar purple sweater, leather boots, and gorgeous blue eyes. My heart stopped for a moment, and then began rushing again as I realized I was still crying, on the floor, and in complete disarray.

“Terra—! I, um, hang on, I, wait, uhhhh…” I panicked and basically spilled out words like a semi-truck carrying nothing but alphabet soup crashed into a wall.

“Shane, what’s…?” Suddenly her eyes widened. “Oh my god, Shane.”

Her arms were around me instantly, her lips on my forehead, and suddenly I couldn’t feel anything. Numbness covered me the instant her hands made contact with my skin, and I couldn’t hear anything.

None of the noise from the tavern, none of the eyes staring, none of the tears on my cheeks, just her arms around me. I felt like I was home again.

I snapped out of it to hear Terra apologizing profusely, on the brink of tears, as I stared into nothing. “I’m so sorry, Shane, I didn’t think about how you’d interpret my actions, oh my god, I’m so sorry…”

“F…for wh…what?” I rasped, throat dry from dehydration. “It’s…my fault. Right?”

She stopped moving, stopping to stare at me. “Wh…what?”

“I fucked up…and…you…you finally realized…that I’m…just a…piece of shit.” I was dizzy, and Terra was growing increasingly more concerned.

“Baby, baby no!” She shouted her pet name for me, turning a few heads from the arcade area. My face was burning. No no no no don’t look at me. I bit my lower lip, suppressing a sharp inhalation that would have certainly made me start hyperventilating.

“Baby I…” Terra stopped and sat back, staring at me. “I was gone because I was…” She paused, pursing her lips.

“I was looking for this.”

She reached into her sweater and revealed a blue conch shell on a leather string.

It was a Mermaid’s Pendant.

Everything went white for a moment. Wait. She wasn’t serious, was she?

Me?

 I stared at her in complete shock, jaw gaping, breathless and completely incapable of saying anything. “Terra, you…”

“Shh.” She put her index finger to my lips and put the necklace around my neck. “Shane. Breathe.”

Right about now I noticed exactly how many people were surrounding us. Almost everyone from town was here. A Friday night at the saloon was busy enough already, but there were some new faces, like Jodi and Caroline, both of which I’d never seen in here before.

Everyone. Sebastian, Abigail, Alex, Willy, even LINUS, was staring down at us, as I felt my face heat up in embarrassment. She’d been planning this for days. Everyone was here. For us. For me.

“I…” I cleared my throat, scrambling to sit up straight, and try to recover whatever dignity was not currently ablaze in the depths of hell. “I…”

Terra looked concerned. Oh my god, she thought I was going to say no.

She’s just as scared as I am about what this means.

“I accept!!” I shouted.

Silence, then eruptions of applause.

Terra tackled me with a hug and began to cry into my chest. And unbeknownst to even myself, so did I. Gus cheered and turned on the jukebox to the oldies channel he always played. Sam smiled down at me, Sebastian congratulated me…Lewis tried talking to me about how to go about arranging a wedding, but I couldn’t hear him.

I was far too busy crying. Someone, no, not just anyone, TERRA, just told me that they want to spend the rest of their life with me. ME!

Part of me wondered if it wasn’t somehow just an elaborate prank, but the tears in her eyes and the pendant around my neck snapped me out of that illusion immediately.

Terra was going to be my wife.

Holy shit.

 After the commotion died down I asked her everything I’d been meaning to ask over a well-deserved beer and basket of chips. “Why did you actively avoid me for the last week?”

“I’m a really bad liar and I know how perceptive you are, and I was really worried you’d find me out. I wanted to invite everyone because they’re all really important to me, but it was hard getting around without running into you.”

She looked incredibly guilty, and I felt my heart tighten at the sad look on her face. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” I laughed a little. “Just…give a guy a warning…or something.” I took a huge sip of beer. “I mean, I was basically staying up all night thinking you were ghosting me because I left a beer can on the floor when you visited on Sunday.”

“The what?” Her oblivious question made me realize exactly how stuck up in my head I was about the whole thing, of course she hadn’t even noticed.

“Wow.” I exhaled. “I feel…stupid.”

“That makes two of us.” She replied, putting her head gently on my shoulder. “I didn’t even think about how this might affect your anxiety.” She bit her lip. “God, I’m an idiot.” She slumped, seeing her so broken up over my mental state destroyed any lingering doubts I may have had about how genuine she was being with me.

“Terra, baby…I…” I stopped. I was about to tell her that she wouldn’t have HAD to worry if I were normal, but I stopped myself. I wasn’t great at sitting and talking feelings with a borderline stranger, but there was one thing I’d learned in abundance in the short time since I began therapy.

I couldn’t keep blaming myself for everything. I would consume myself and end up even worse off. And it had been a battle to stop, especially considering recent stressors.

“We both messed up, baby.” I answered. “You made a mistake, and I got super worried and convinced myself that you were breaking up with me in a slow and painful way. And worst of all, I was convinced I deserved it.” I paused as Terra looked up at me. “Baby, I want to marry you. I’ve wanted to marry you since that night at the gridball game, but I’m such a goddamn trainwreck that I wanted to get better before I proposed. I…”

“I wanted to be worthy of you.”

Terra looked into my eyes with a lot of confusion and a lot of love.

“That’s when I decided I wanted to marry you, too.” She blushed a deep pink and looked at the floor. “I…heard you saying how much you loved me in my dreams.”

I froze. Wait. Had she also heard the—

“I heard you tell me you wanted to marry me, too.”

I felt my face burning. Fuck. I was hoping she wasn’t going to say that.

“After a few days of thinking about it, I decided to look into how to propose.” She continued, laughing. “I eventually found out, about halfway through winter, that I needed to propose using a Mermaid’s Pendant, which can only be received from a ghost you can find in the RAINY season.” She scoffed. “I was really angry about having to wait, actually.”

Seeing her pout about this was adorable, even though I had no goddamn clue what she was talking about with a “ghost” and the “winter” and “rain.”

“I only got the pendant yesterday, actually. I was on the beach at like 6 PM and I saw the Old Mariner standing on the island across the bridge.”

“It cost me a lot of money, so I spent the rest of the night at the beach, fishing up some big fish to sell to repair the dent in my funds.”

Wait. “How much did it…cost?” I said, concerned.

“It’s…not a big deal now. I got the money back from a good harvest and quality fish.” She smiled a toothy grin. She knew what I was doing. I was fishing for a reason to blame myself, and she put an end to that right quick.

“Hey Shane,” Sam’s voice came from behind me. “Hey dude.”

I turned to face him. “Hey…uh, I’m sorry about earlier.” I scratched the back of my head awkwardly. This kid was just trying to help and I’d just yelled at him and made myself out to be a total ass.

“No, no, I get it, man.” He held up his hands as his two friends ducked out the doors of the saloon. “I would have been really confused and angry too. And I know now that you have a lot of anxiety and…a lot of baggage.” He paused, glancing at me, as if looking for approval. “I shouldn’t have forced you, and I’m sorry too.”

I smiled, and Sam looked at me as though he were witnessing a unicorn cantering through the fields of heaven. I guess it really was true how little I smiled in public, good lord. “I appreciate what you did for me, Sam.” I put my hand out to shake his hand, and he reluctantly accepted. “Thanks.”

“For…wait, what?”

“Thank you for being such a good friend to Terra, and for helping me out, even though I’ve been nothing but unpleasant to you.”

“Uh, no problem, man, I just…I’m glad that it all worked out.”

Sam ducked out, and I felt my nerves cough and sputter out like a dying lawnmower.

“Shane,” Terra said my name and snapped me out of my drowsy stupor. “You should get home. You’ve had a long day.” She smiled. “We can get together and plan the wedding tomorrow. I’m thinking the 22nd would be a good date.”

Wedding. God that word sounded foreign to me.

“Alright,” I sighed. “Let’s blow this joint.”

Waving at Gus and Lewis as I left, Terra and I ventured out into the cold.

As we started toward Marnie’s ranch, I paused.

“Wait, Terra, the 22nd is a Monday.” I felt my heartbeat trying to race, but falling victim to my slightly intoxicated bloodstream. “We can’t possibly get married then, I have…ugh…work.” I grimaced.

“Oh, about that.” Terra laughed. “I may or may not have prematurely gotten the next week of work off for you by talking to Morris.”

The pieces connected suddenly. “Wait, that’s what you were doing?”

“Well, yeah, what, did you think I went in there to blow the bastard? I’d rather die.” I laughed loudly at her crudeness, spooking a rabbit into a bush nearby. “It wasn’t easy. We can do Monday, Tuesday, any day. I just think that Monday is best because then we’ll have a whole week to move you in and get adjusted.”

Moving in? Oh god, that was something that made my heart leap. I’d be living with Terra. Holy shit. Married and living with the love of my life, and by MONDAY? This was clearly all a ridiculous dream.

“Fuck, pinch me.” I said breathily. “I have GOT to be dreaming.”

“Why so?” She laughed. “I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing.” She added coyly.

“Oh shaddup.” I retorted. “I…still can’t believe any of this is real.”

She leaned over and kissed me square on the lips, tilting her head to the right and bending into me with a passion that not even the horniest dream could manifest.

Her tongue danced behind her lips, asking permission, and I opened my mouth, allowing her access, grunting slightly as her hands caressed the back of my head, stroking my hair.

She pulled away, leaving me wanting more. “Are you convinced now?”

I shook my head. “God damn, how did I get so fucking lucky?” Laughing, I caressed her cheek, kissing her forehead. “Seriously, what did I do to deserve you?”

She beamed at me, grabbing my hand and continuing to walk toward Marnie’s. “You went through hell every day, waiting for someone to love you.” She turned back. “It took me…a long time to realize what I felt for you. I realized rather suddenly actually, after…that day.”

She couldn’t meet my eyes for that moment, and I knew that it still haunted her. The blood, the broken glass, the cuts, the beer, everything. I realized in that moment what I would have lost, had I succeeded. I would have missed out on everything good that had ever happened to me.

She interlaced her fingers with mine. “We fit like a pair of puzzle pieces.” She said. “And without you, I don’t feel like I’m complete anymore.”

“Terra, I…I don’t think I knew what “complete” felt like until I heard you talking to me when I was resting at the clinic after…all that. I heard you saying that you might love me, but that being in love scared you. You kissed my cheek, my bandages, and when I officially “woke up”, I just remember feeling…whole.”

Terra blushed. Clearly we both had said things to the other when they were “sleeping” that we were shy about saying to the others’ faces. “Terra, you’ve made me the happiest man in the world, and EASILY the happiest man in Stardew Valley.” I said, turning to her.

I took her hands in mine and kissed her gently, feeling all the worries and fears of the day wash away like the tides rolling out to sea. “I will never stop loving you. And I will do my damnedest to make you the happiest woman alive.”

“I love you.”

[bedlamgames]

Q&A #100

Yes, been a hundred of this things. Totally a meaningless milestone which is one of my oldest tags on here (assuming any are left after the purge...) still I thought I’d do something for it. 

Specifically I’ve gone back over the old Q&A’s and found some favourite questions and answers which I’ll be including in this after the usual round of outstanding ones. Possibly also with some extra commentary where appropriate. 

Anonymous said: Hey. Any pair of characters connected by an Owned relationship/reputation seems to crash the game if you use either one of them on an assignment. Any chance of this being fixed?

- That should be sorted in yesterday’s update. 

Anonymous said: Got a Forest Goblin with both Dancer and Clumsy. This seems like a very strange combination, but imagining it kind of makes me want to laugh my head off.

- Agreed I think that just works due to being amusing. Less poetry in motion and more of a limerick. 

Anonymous said: In No Haven 0.871 the trait " Elementalist: Air " does not appear when using the estimate value function.

- Cheers for pointing out that oversight. Will sort.

Anonymous said: Hi sory english isn't my native langage, In No Have 0.871 TF Edition I have aquired a slaver But with a bug first i don't know how i acquire her and two she had noting , no name no perk jus a little description i will copy the full examine optin on it : - - - - ExamineName: Race: - Sex: - Status: - Reputation: Traits: Condition: 0 Will: 0 Estimated Value: 0 has a flat chest, a regular pussy, and has an unremarkable ass. She is the same size as most goblins, and .She is . 

- That looks like an empty character in all respects. I believe there was an issue with Ritual Casting where that could happen and is now sorted. If you see it happen again please let me know what you were doing when they appeared. 

Anonymous said: Hey Bedlam, watched stream where you discussed not selling slaves debuff, thing is i always imagined slavers being in this business for fun and pleasure first, and gold second. I mean why else would they agree to live in some Skyrim style, long abandoned really, hard to get to fort in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by hills and marshes(at least that how i imagine it)? So maybe you could make something like,"no new slaves, or slave training for X days, getting bored" or something like that?

- It wouldn’t be too harsh at all. Just a bit of a poke to encourage that you’re business model is based around being a slaver over the leader disappearing to the coast for a week and returning with suspiciously large amounts of gold. In that case you’ve got to think that your slavers might feel that they’re surplus to requirements :D

Anonymous said: I hope you're happy for taking so many hours of my life away from me lol. But playing this again; got a question about NH. Any plans on making some rival groups that we can interact with? Diplomacy, getting tribute, ect. It would be kinda cool to have rivals that push you along 

Glad you’re enjoying it! 

Likely yes. There’s ways currently now to set up a few ways to get tribute every so often. More groups though who are more hostile than the not-witches in the marshlands or the mistress of the Ensnared Rose are sure to be a thing sooner or later. 

doof-ex-machina said: Have you read the Gorean saga by John Nornan? If yes, did it influence your vision of the No Haven world? Gor explores a legal female-oriented slave system, yheah, but there are pretty close similarities with NH in regards to the numbers of ‘fodder’ and the ways of training. Anyway, me personally thinks your world is even better because magic and draenei/succubi boobs, duh.

I haven’t but I am aware of them in general. 

NH is a lot more equal opportunities than Gor where males doing it to females, females doing it to males, and all possible variations of that including others like futanari and sissies are likely to happen. Still high praise indeed, thanks!

And now onto some old questions starting with one from before where I realised beginning to combine these might be a good idea. 

onedrift from 2015:  Trying this again...what's your coder fuel of choice? Red bull, Monster, coffee? None of the above? Soon to be bimbofied slavemakers want to know!

- Heh, totally giving my nationality away (if it wasn’t blatantly obvious already) but the fuel of choice is copious amounts of Earl Grey tea.

Anonymous from 2015: Hiya, been a fan of your work for a long time, captions and games thanks for making them, but a question regarding whorelocks revenge, is it possible to get the tangle infection and bonds of insanity? in all my time playing them I never had either I dont think.

- Not in the current version. Basically I wasn’t happy with the implementation in terms of how they were removed so I disabled them for a bit till I can sort it out… which unfortunately has lasted quite some time.

Soon as I got this No Haven update done they’re top of my list of things to sort in Whorelocks.

(Oh zogging hell. Still not done that yet... Extenuating circumstance for sure with NH taking off and WR was still in RAGS at that point, but even so)

Anonymous from 2015: This is probably a poor place to respond to your open-ended poll question, but have you looked into Twine?

- I’ve looked at Twine and when I one day get round to Rough Landing 3 it’s definitely going to be done using it, but to me it looks like an incredibly poor fit for working on No Haven.

(Oh past me why would say such a thing even if it did make a lot of sense at the time. Let’s hope that guy was wrong)

Anonymous from Q&A #1: Title image is hype, cant wait for next update. recall you mentioned that you had enchantments planed for the update after next (or something there abouts) how far ahead have you planned ahead and any spoilers for the update after this one? :D

- Why thank you! I have several pages bullet pointed of what I have planned along with what I have in my head. For stuff not in the next update I’d say not counting more slave training assignments and options and more assignments in the other areas the big bits of content outstanding are;

Way more potions. (Still do do)

Enchantment/cursing of items system.  (Also still do do)

Crafting Devices. (Also, also still do do)

Ways to manage encampments when they get to large by sending slavers/slaves to new areas to provide ongoing gold/supplies along with the occasional assignment. (Oh dear, also, also still do do)

More stuff for you like going on every assignment, bad ends for some of them, more interactions, being enslaved and so on. Basically lots more sub and also some dom content for when you’re not managing the encampment. (Woo progress made! Bad ends for some assignments going on are indeed a thing. Still work to do as I do want to give Crossbones and Into the Depths the QAYL treatment sometime)

Special events that will occur every so often that will affect things be it for good and bad. This will include a way to get a lost slaver back though perhaps forever altered by their experiences. (Woo again this is done. Definitely could do with more done with)

Encampment reputation to reflect a slaver’s standing with how the other slaver’s see them. This will includes slavers becoming slaves and visa versa. (On a roll now as a great deal of this implemented)

More biomancy options and improving thanks to a multi-part assignment. There will also be other multi-part story based assignments. (Partially done and the biomancy multi-part assignment has been started)

And a bunch more basically but those are the priorities after this next update. Probably not all in the same update though.

Anonymous from Q&A #6: I would play the hell out of Paranoia set in No Haven.  

- Temptation to give slavers and you conflicting secret societies and agendas rising.

Y’know like…

Dire Panthers: A mottley band of young savage orcs, amazons and trolls out to raise hell by breaking stuff, setting stuff on fire and generally being a nuisance to everyone.

The Cooperative: A dedicated group of Frozen Queen cultists out to oppose the Human Empire by working together to make things better for the common people… till you know the Queen awakens and buries all the land in eternal ice.

Mage Smashers: Magic iz like wrong an’ stuff! We smash dem in dere stupid face till dey not so smart.

Fellowship-Fel: The denizens that lurk beyond our reality and infect our dreams with tainted nightmares are our friends! We must expose ourselves to as much corruption as possible to make ourselves like them. We see no flaws in this plan whatsoever, you see the chorus of whispers in our minds entirely agrees with us.

Psion: No changes need to be made whatsoever from the original version.

Trekksters: …and I think that’s enough of that, or further evidence of why I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near RAGS or indeed tumblr when I have my old sourcebooks nearby :D

(Also apologies to most of you who have no idea what that was about!) (This is still far too much of a good idea)

Anonymous from Q&A #17: 2/2 and another hilarious one: Your succubus slave Jaeil was not looking so hot right now so Virholen just held her close and told Jaeil that everything would be alright. Jaeil was oddly quiet everytime you looked in on them and you wonder if they have resigned themselves to their fate. Condition: 45 (Change: 20) - Will: 47 (Change: 15)

After their mistreatment Jaeil sees no reason not to only care for them self as clearly no one else will leaving them hardened and even outright cruel. usc++

- You win best bug report in ages, that is beautiful :D

Anonymous from Q&A #37: Will there be other spirit races in the game besides wisps, such as undynes, gnomes, and dryads? And finally Im new to patreon. I decided to pay for the your character teir but ask for a unique because I dont really understand it. Is the “play your character” a scenario or what? And where do I go to talk with you on what I would like for it?

- True story, I had to google undyines and for ages I couldn’t work out what you were referring too as so many of the results were of that character from Undertale :D

Undines themselves would be no, but I do have a water spirit of a kind planned. (Still do!) Gnomes no, as I’m happy with Hakh Dwarven and the various Goblins as my short races. Dryads absolutely yes, and will be one of the advanced races. See the last Q&A for more details of those.

Thank you for your support! Those options are for those that want to play a specific character that isn’t available in the standard options or design a specific slaver that you can have in your encampment. If you want to see some examples of ones others have asked for before on the playable character front then Orc Wright Raptor, Lago’Mae Scholar or Goblin Underground Potioneer would be a good ones to look at to start off with.

As for the unique slavers then pretty much any of the slavers available under Strong Right Arm/Recruiter.

How much detail you want to go into is up to you. If you want to say oh I just want a Kitsune lady who likes to pole-dance then I’d put something together for your approval, or you can go full on detailing everything about them from their art, description, traits etc. and I’ll work with you to the point I’m happy having it as an option in the game. (Note: If you want an entirely new race like the Golems you need to go for the lore tier given the significantly larger amount of work involved)

For discussing please send me a message on patreon and we can take it further from there.

One thing to bare in mind is that patreon only charges at the end of the month, and so while I’m more than willing to talk it out, if you want to me to do a lot of work on your request I’m going to need to see a pledge go through first. It sucks I know, but this is the unfortunate reality of the internet that alas trust can only go so for.

I’m always happy to discuss things though, I really am, and some people have asked to pay some of their pledge upfront via paypal to get round this which is not a problem if that’s what you want to do.

valhallaimmortan from Q&A #47: I managed to get a elven smith who makes fancy armor that is usually masterwork quality, and equipped my ‘Basher’ Squad with it, the Basher’s are all Ogre’s who I recruited and I have a alchemist who seriously creeps me out with how many petrification potions he has been pumping out. I also like the Lago'mae Scholar how now the Lizard man is using her as his new project… poor Scholar… and I got to ask is it actually possible to recruit a keldan from the keldan mission in the city?

- I love this question, absolutely adore it, and you made the patron who requested the lizardman unique really happy when I mentioned it to them. If people want to send in their favourite/amusing/interesting slavers/slaves that have resulted from generation and gameplay I might do a tumblr post series on them called ‘Tell me about your Character’.

As to the question yes she should be on the critical result.

Anonymous from Q&A #61: Silly question. For clothing and armor, what in your mind is the major difference between micro, and impractical? I can’t really visualize a difference between the two when reading armor/clothing descriptions. Scandalously short is divergent enough that it creates its own image for me. The other two seem as if they would be interchangeable, but they aren’t since there is a distinction so what is it?

- Yay silly questions are always the best questions. Okay micro is where you have outfits that are recognizable bits of clothing but it’s incredibly brief so a skirt that’s more a belt than actually trying to cover anything whatsoever and/or a bikini top so teeny-weeny that it doesn’t even cover all of the nipples. Completely impractical though is the kind of clothing beloved by a certain kind of fantasy art which just doesn’t make any kind of sense whatsoever where looking good trumps any pretension of realism, and the only way it could stay on is either with copious amounts of glue or magic being involved.

Anonymous from Q&A #66: Hello again! I’m the guy who asked about the post-slave [slaver] titles. I’m going to very respectfully push the idea that ex-slaves should get unique titles. First, I honestly think having the unique titles is cooler. It’s more interesting to send a Chosen, an Acolyte, and a Hedge-Witch on an assignment than it is to send three Slavers. It’s a rarity thing, sort of? If you get a character who qualifies for one of those things, it’s a BIG DEAL. Secondly, it already changes with jobs, so…

- Alright, alright, you’ve twisted my arm :)

That should now be included for the most recent update along with a couple of new titles so that all of the more rare traits (not counting crafting ones) should have one. Let me know if there’s any issues as while it was a fairly straightforward change I didn’t get a chance to test that particular bit.

Thanks for reading and here’s to another hundred of these. 

[71tenseventeen]

Into That Bad Night-Part 8

Minus the awesome banner made for me by @cakemakethme because Tumblr won’t stop flagging it. I’m looking for a fix. In the meantime, here’s part 8. 

Warnings for dark Geno, usually implied violence. If you’re looking for a law abiding Geno and a non-problematic, fluffy relationship, this is not the fic for you.

Part 8 below the cut.

Sid looks critically at his reflection in the mirror. No matter how many times he wears these clothes, it still doesn’t feel like he does them any justice.

Zhenya however whole-heartedly disagrees, loves showering Sid with expensive clothes and admiring him in them. Tonight is no different, Zhenya smiling with hooded eyes as he slips up behind him. He lays a kiss at the nape of Sid’s neck before moving to face him, carefully straightening his tie, adjusting his lapels, running fingers down the perfectly fitted vest under his jacket. “Look good, Sid.”

“You always say that.”

Sid licks his lower lip nervously before Zhenya leans down and kisses him slow, hot and wet before pulling away. “Always mean it, too.”

Tonight they’re going to a charity event at the Carnegie Museum of Art. It’s gotten a little easier over time, going out with Zhenya to swanky events but he still much prefers their quiet dates over navigating social circles he’s not sure he’ll ever be entirely at ease with.

Sid sticks close and lets Zhenya do the talking, sipping at champagne and throwing in a few shy but polite words, nodding when necessary. He worried at first that Zhenya would expect him to be more outspoken and confident in situations like this but, instead, it seems like Zhenya finds his shyness charming. He keeps a protective hand on Sid’s back, never leaving him alone for very long.

It’s one of those rare times, Sid tucked away in a corner for a breather while Zhenya speaks to someone halfway across the room, that the man approaches. Sid feels him before he can see him, the man sidling up close before he can react. “Кто-то такой красивый не должен оставаться один в углу.”

Sid startles, leaning away as he turns to take in the man next to him. He has a distinct look, younger than his salt and pepper hair would indicate, but Sid doesn’t think he’s ever seen him before. His Russian isn’t great but he knows enough now to understand at least a couple of words the man uttered and takes a step back, wanting to put distance between them.

“I’m sorry,” he asks quietly, knowing he has to be careful. It doesn’t happen often but Sid has realized that occasionally when they’re out they come face to face with others who are in The Business. Sid doesn’t know in what capacity and he certainly doesn’t know about this one but the last thing Zhenya needs is Sid saying the wrong thing to the wrong person.

“Ah, you speak English. I was just saying that it’s very sad to see such pretty boy all alone in the corner.”

Sid feels a stab of defensiveness at the notion that Zhenya has done anything wrong. “I’m not alone,” he says with forced politeness.

“Oh? What kind of escort leave such beautiful man unattended?”

Sid swallows and glances at Zhenya. “He didn’t. I just stepped away for a minute.”

The man tracks his glance, smiling when he realizes Sid is looking at Zhenya. Instead of backing off, though, he steps closer, looking Sid up and down with a lazy smirk. “How much he pay you, hm? Whatever it is, I pay you double. Triple, even. You too pretty for him.”

Sid’s throat goes dry as he tries to take another step back and finds himself bumping against the wall. “He’s not—It’s not like that.”

The man raises his eyebrows, amused. “Oh? Has he landed on you until the next beautiful boy comes along then?”

Sid swallows again, sick to his stomach now. He’s ready to throw the polite act to the wind and make a dash for Zhenya when he hears the deep familiar rumble moving closer.

“There you are, darling,” He says with a smile before dropping a kiss onto Sid’s curls.Sid breathes out a sigh of relief, sinking into Zhenya’s side as he draws even and slides a hand possessively around Sid’s waist. “Alexander. I see you meet my Sidney.”

The man simply smiles, looking entirely at ease and not remotely sorry. “Мы не были должным образом представлены. Я просто заметил, что он выглядит очень одиноким, и удивился, кто оставит такую ​​красоту себе?”

Zhenya’s fingers sink a little harder into Sid’s side. “Sidney, forgive the manners of my friend. This is Alexander. He was very concerned when he saw you. You see, he suspects I have been negligent, leaving you alone here.”

Sid looks up at Zhenya, surprised and horrified at the implication. “No, that’s not…” He trails off before looking back at the man. “He didn’t leave me alone.”

Zhenya chuckles darkly. “Not to worry, Solnyshka.” He turns to the man again. “Let me assuage your fears by assuring you my Sidney is always very safe.”

“Glad to hear it, Zhenya.”

“Evgeni, I think, will work.”

The man—Alexander—blanches a bit at that and there’s no mistaking the anger passing into his expression, however briefly, before he puts a smile back on his face. “Forgive me, Evgeni Vladimirovich.”

“How have you been finding Pittsburgh. Is the new apartment suiting you during your stay?” Zhenya says, switching to Russian.

The man laughs. “Ah, of course I shouldn’t be surprised that you knew I had arrived and where I am staying.”

“You would be foolish to expect any less from me.”

Zhenya’s body is relaxed, calm, but the tone of his words sinks into Sidney’s skin like cold water. He finds himself hoping this exchange is over very soon, wishing they could just leave altogether.

“Ah, Evgeni, you will never change. Yes of course I expect that you are aware of who is visiting your city. I have had some business, as I’m sure you are aware. I am glad to run into you this evening as I wanted to invite you to dinner so that we could speak. Of course you should bring your lovely Sidney.”

“And as you’ve already been informed, we have no business together but I thank you for the invitation.”

The man’s smile falters then but Zhenya doesn’t give him time to respond, slipping quickly back into English. “If you will excuse us, Sidney and I have other things to attend to.”

He doesn’t wait for a response, guiding them away. They’re barely five feet away when he’s leaning in, lips brushing Sid’s ear as he talks quietly. “Sorry I leave you alone. What he say to you, hm?”

Sid doesn’t want to tell Zhenya what the man—Alexander—said to him but he knows he has to. “He, um, offered me money to, um…” he trails off with a shrug. “I told him no and that it’s not like that with us.”

Zhenya pulls back just enough to look down at Sid, eyes narrowed. “Should never let him get anywhere near you. Won’t let it happen again. What else he say?”

Sid sighs. He was hoping he wouldn’t have to tell Zhenya this part. “He said that I’m only here until someone better comes along for, um, for you.”  

“Fuck,” he says darkly, voice low and rough. He slides a hand across the back of Sid’s neck, pulling him close as he turns them both until Sid is tucked against a wall. “Should kill him for say this to you, my Sid.”

“Hey, no, it’s not—I know he was just being a jerk.”

Zhenya keeps his hand firmly on the back of Sid’s neck as he leans in close, kissing Sid slow and deep without warning, leaving him breathless when he finally pulls back an inch. “Not ever going to be anyone else. You my Sid. Mine and I’m yours always,” he says, low and growly, sending shivers down Sid’s spine.  

Sid lets out a soft breath. “Promise?”

Zhenya kisses him again, then, long and hard before answering. “Promise. And I’m never break promise.”

Sid shivers again and leans closer into Zhenya’s embrace. “Can we go soon?”

Zhenya smiles. “I think yes, we go now. I’m take you home, strip you down. Show you how much I’m want, how much you mine.”

Sid won’t argue with that.

Zhenya winks at Sid before he guides them towards the door, smirking as they pass Alexander.

[eldritchsurveys]

201.

What's your name? >> Mordred.

What time is it right now? >> 2.08p EST.

When were you born? >> 6.30p EST.

Who are you closest to in your family? >> No one. As far as I’m concerned, I was hatched and grown in a lab.

What is the closest green item to you? >> An Andes candy. (The wrapper, specifically.)

Would you rather text people or talk to them on the phone? >> I’d much rather text.

What program on your computer do you use the most? >> Google Chrome.

Do you have a cat? >> I don’t, but Sparrow does, and unfortunately that means I have to live with him too.

What is your middle name backwards? >> Yerf.

How often do you visit this website? >> tumblr? Just about daily.

Are you a good speller? >> I am.

Are you good at baking cupcakes? >> I am not.

Do you currently have a job? >> No.

What year did you/will you graduate in? >> I graduated in 2004.

Do you have your drivers liscence? >> Nope.

Does it take you long to fall asleep at night? >> Sometimes, but usually I fall asleep within an hour of laying down.

Do you think other people consider you a flirt? >> I can’t imagine where they’d even get such an impression.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? >> Ready for what? To sit on the couch? Pfft.

Would you ever consider getting plastic surgery? >> I don’t think plastic surgery could give me what I want.

Do you smoke pot? >> Not anymore.

Who is your hero in life? >> I don’t have one of those.

What is your favorite breed of dog? >> Pitbulls.

Where is your favorite place to go out to eat? >> I don’t have one.

How long have you known your best friend? >> ---

What are your thoughts on abortion? >> I don’t really have thoughts on it. Like, I don’t care about the moral debate. I think it’s good that it’s legal and I hope it stays that way, and that’s all.

When do you think the world is going to end? >> I don’t believe in that concept.

Do you think there are aliens out there? >> I mean, my definition of “life” is pretty broad, so sure.

Do you believe in God? >> No.

Are you still a virgin? >> No.

Are you comfortable with our current goverment? >> No.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? >> Hm.

Are you a fan of anime? >> I never really got into it the way a lot of people did, but there are some anime I enjoy.

What kind of cell phone do you have? >> Moto g5 or something.

What color do you want your next car to be? >> ---

Can you type without looking at the keys? >> Yes.

How much money do you have on you right now? >> I don’t carry cash.

Do you smoke? >> No.

How tall are you? >> 5′5″ or so.

What is your favorite Christmas movie? >> It’s a Wonderful Life.

Do you celebrate your pet's birthdays? >> ---

Would you consider yourself selfish? >> Well, sure.

What kind of mood are you in right now? >> I’m not really in a mood.

Name your favorite song from the 80's. >> I... can’t possibly do that.

Are you a fan of Spongebob Squarepants? >> No, I never really liked it.

Do you like fruits or vegetables more? >> Vegetables, generally.

How much time a week do you spend watching TV? >> Maybe 6 hours altogether? Sometimes a couple more.

Do you play any sports? >> No.

Who was your last text message from? >> Nurx.

Do you like Taylor Swift? >> Not particularly.

Do you enjoy going grocery shopping? >> Not particularly.

Do you like skim milk? >> No.

Name two people in your life that mean the most to you. >> Can Calah means the most to me and that’s that.

Do you like short surveys or long ones better? >> I like them on the longer side, but there is a limit.

Are you a Facebook addict? >> No. I deleted facebook.

Have you ever appeared on television? >> Yeah, as a child.

Do you like to read? >> Yes.

What is your favorite kind of cookie? >> Pecan shortbread and thin mints.

Do you have any kids of your own? >> No.

What was your first job? >> Restaurant.

Do material things matter to you? >> Sure. I like stuff, I just don’t like an excess of it.

Where is your favorite city? >> New Orleans.

What was your last dream about? >> I don’t remember now.

Are you currently going to college? >> No.

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? >> V.

Do you shop at Wal-Mart? >> Sometimes.

Do you usually have good luck? >> I don’t know, I don’t really pay attention to whether my luck seems good or not.

Do you get bored easily? >> I’m prone to restlessness, which I guess is a kind of boredom.

What annoys you the most about other people? >> Hm.

Are you currently in a relationship? >> I am in relationships of varying types.

Have you ever been drunk before? >> Yes.

Are you afraid of flying? >> Not at all, I love it.

Have you ever been bitten by an animal (not an insect)? >> No.

Have you ever been in a physical fight? >> Yeah.

Are you good at drawing? >> Not to my standard.

How many text messages do you think you send in one month? >> Like... five or ten.

Have you ever had a stalker? >> No. Unless they were a really good stalker and I was never aware of them.

What grosses you out the most? >> Oh, I don’t know.

How much sleep do you get every night? >> Anywhere from 4 to 9 hours.

When's the last time you threw up? >> Last year sometime.

What is your idea of the perfect date? >> ---

Are you more of a morning or night person? >> I think I’m more into mornings than nights these days.

Can you speak more than one language? >> No.

Do you own anything from Hollister? >> No.

Do you stereotype people? >> I’m sure I do. I just try not to base my whole opinion of a stranger based on flawed pattern-recognition metrics.

Are you immature for your age? >> I don’t bloody know, man. It’s not a concern of mine.

Are you afraid of spiders? >> Not at all.

Are you tired right now? >> I was more tired before, but I’m all right now.

What was the last thing you ate? >> A few cookies.

What is your favorite flavor of milkshake? >> Cookies and cream.

Have you ever seen the movie Rent? >> Yeah, a while ago.

Who is your favorite celebrity? >> I don’t know.

What's the highest number you've counted to out loud? >> I... don’t know?

What is your favorite video game? >> ---

Do you wear contacts or glasses? >> No.

Are you looking forward to summer this year? >> Yes, for the weather if nothing else.

Do you have trouble letting go of the past? >> Maybe? Some aspects of it. Things that never got resolved.

Do you like your hair better straight or curly? >> ---

Do you wish you would grow taller? >> No.

Do your parents make you do chores? >> ---

Have you ever been to the circus? >> No.

What's the longest word you know? >> I have no idea.

Do you use teeth whitener? >> No.

Do you keep your room neat and clean? >> I try.

Can you count to ten in French? >> I remember some of the numbers but not all.

Do you think war is an acceptable way of solving problems? >> I think it’s certainly one strategy. Whether it’s the right one or not is best figured out by people that aren’t me.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Bob? >> No.

Do you have a little sister? >> No.

Do you speak with an accent? >> Everyone does, to someone. So, yes.

We're you a bad child when you were younger? >> No.

Do you get grumpy often for no reason? >> I’m prone to irritability because of mental illness, yeah.

Do you want to have kids/more kids in the future? >> No.

What is your dream career? >> No.

Do you iron your clothes? >> Nope.

Do you like to go tanning? >> I don’t need to go tanning.

Are you the type of person who likes to party a lot? >> No.

Would you consider your family "rich"? >> ---

Are you addicted to sugar? >> No. I was raised in a sugar-free household so I never really developed a sweet tooth.

Have you ever tried using a dating website? >> Yeah, often.

What's the weirdest food you've ever eaten? >> I don’t know.

What is/was your favorite class in school? >> ---

What is your favorite type of exercise? >> DDR.

Do you believe in getting revenge on someone who's hurt you? >> Do I believe in it...? I mean, if that’s what someone wants to do, far be it for me to stop them. I’m just not interested in revenge, myself. I don’t have the patience or the motivation.

Do you live near any volcanoes? >> No.

Name one word that you always have trouble pronouncing. >> I can’t think of one, but whatever it is, it’s probably in Irish.

Have you ever ridden in a taxi? >> Yes.

What's your favorite color? >> Gold.

Would you rather use crayons or colored pencils? >> Coloured pencils. I never liked crayons.

Have you ever had a migraine? >> Nope.

Tell me something about yourself that you don't normally tell people. >> If I don’t normally share it, it’s for a good reason.

Have you ever served in the military? >> No. I’d literally rather die.

What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? >> Veggie burger and chips.

Do you go to the gym? >> No.

Do you know how to write HTML? >> More or less. I know a lot of it has changed since I last wrote code, but I have enough of a background in it to figure it out.

What is your favorite book? >> Right.

Do you have any songs that seem to fit your life perfectly? >> Yeah, but not because of lyrics or anything. They just sound right.

How many concerts have you been to? >> So many.

Have you ever tried "planking"? >> Not that kind. I’ve done planks as exercise though.

Do you shop at Hot Topic? >> Yep.

Are you confident with your appearance? >> I just don’t think about my appearance a whole lot. I’m not trying to be sexually appealing and I don’t work in an industry where my appearance matters, so I really don’t have much reason to care what I look like outside of just being clean and presentable.

Do you have trouble sitting still for long periods of time? >> Now I do. I was great at it as a child, but I get restless too easily now.

Do you use the alarm clock on your phone or do you have an actual alarm? >> If I ever need an alarm I just use my phone.

Is your internet connection fast? >> It’s passable.

Do you enjoy snow? >> Not much anymore.

What are your initials? >> MD. 

Are you paranoid of other people talking about you behind your back? >> Not usually.

Are you germaphobic? >> No.

Do you get along with your parents? >> ---

Have you ever had food poisoning? >> Yeah, twice.

Are you impatient? >> Sometimes.

What is your favorite thing to put on a sandwhich? >> It depends on what I’m in the mood for.

Do you trust yourself with big responsibilities? >> I guess? I mean, who else am I gonna trust?

Do you like long car rides? >> Not really. I like the travelling aspect, but I don’t like the “being folded up in a vehicle for long periods of time without being able to move” aspect.

How often do you shower? >> Twice a week.

Do you consider yourself a bully? >> No.

Who were you last mad at and why? >> I don’t remember.

Are your parents currently togther? >> They never were.

Do you find the rain calming? >> Sometimes.

What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? >> Vanilla bean, I guess.

Do you follow football? >> No.

Have you ever had an emotional breakdown? >> Yes. It still amazes me that there are people walking around that have never had one, ever. Wild.

Do you think tomorrow will be a good day for you? >> I can’t predict the future.

Are you in a good mood? >> I’m not in a mood at all, which is good enough for me.

[austincitylimitlessworld]

Writing Sample

Back from a long long hiatus with a new blog. I’ve never used Tumblr for profit before, so if anyone sees this and has any suggestions on how to “hook in” please let me know.

Charlotte Brontë’s Caroline, a Heroine’s Journey from Light through Darkness and into Wisdom

The late mythologist Joseph Campbell, in an interview with Bill Moyers discussed The Hero’s Adventure during the segment five of The Power of Myth. His theory is that we all take a hero’s journey at some point.  This journey consists of three links in a chain:  Separation, Initiation, and Return.

Charlotte Brontë’s heroine, Caroline Helstone, takes such a journey, physically but especially metaphorically in Shirley.

A Google search on “Yorkshire rectories” yields a virtual plethora of churches and their residences, from the quaint to the gothic to the downright drab. From various descriptions in the novel, it seems most logical that Caroline would be convalescing in a gloomy, mid-sized rectory.

Presently the niece was enclosed in her small bed-room; the door bolted… (Volume I, chapter VII “The Curates at Tea” p. 99)

And in undiminished gladness she rose the next day:  as she entered her uncle’s breakfast-room… (Volume I, chapter VII “The Curates at Tea” p. 100)

She had taken an early walk in the garden, and she told him that certain starlings were beginning to build their nests in the church-tower (Briarfield church was close to the Briarfield rectory); she wondered the tolling of the bells in the belfry did not scare them.

Clearly, here we see Caroline’s youthful outlook at the onset of the novel—one cloaked in the grandeur of innocence and love, even if her relationship with her uncle is one of partial strain.  Indeed, she appears as a light in a very dark place, where even the

personality of her uncle and the furnishings that inhabit the place are dreary and somewhat stark:

“Caroline,” said Mr. Helstone, bringing his hand slowly down to within an inch or two of the table, and then smiting it suddenly on the mahogany, “understand this:  it is vulgar and puerile to confound generals with particulars: in every case, there is the rule, and there are the exceptions.  Your questions are stupid and babyish.  Ring the bell, if you have done breakfast.”  (Volume I, chapter VII “The Curates at Tea” p. 102)

Her journey begins as a youth of eighteen.  It speaks to Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey by showing her as a living example of The Fool Tarot card (who represents, according to Campbell, the novice at the beginning of his excursion):

One passage in particular illustrates beautifully the ordeal of transforming from a wide-eyed innocent experienced adult:

At that time—at eighteen, drawing near the confines of illusive, void dreams, Elf-land lies behind us, the shores of Reality rise in front.  These shores are yet distant:  they look so blue, soft, gentle, we long to reach them…Every joy that life gives must be earned ere it is secured; and how hardly earned, those only know who have wrestled for great prizes.  The heart’s blood must gem with red beads the brow of the combatant, before the wreath of factory rustles over it.

At eighteen, we are not aware of this.

Alas, Experience!  No other mentor has so wasted the frozen a face as yours:  none wears a robe so black, none bears a rod so heavy, none with hand so inexorable draws the notice so sternly to his task, and forces him with authority so resistless to its acquirement.  It is by your instructions alone that man or woman can ever find a safe track through life’s wilds:  without it, how they stumble, how they stray!  On what forbidden grounds to they intrude, down what dread declivities are they hurled!  (Volume I, chapter VII “The Curates at Tea” p. 97)

Ms. Helstone lives in the sheltered world of her Uncle Matthew’s rectory.  Her passage from innocence to wisdom begins here, where she was left as a child by her mother.

           Early on in the novel, the other half of Caroline’s world consists of Hollow’s cottage where she is being educated in literature, French, and arithmetic by Hortense Moore.  Also living there is Hortense’s brother, mill manager Robert Moore. It isn’t long before Caroline’s uncle forbids her to see Robert due to political and personal reasons. We do not see how this takes its toll on her immediately, and its severity is not fully realized until later.  Upon Caroline’s return from her Exodus to Hollow’s cottage she experiences what can be called the gift of suffering, the “Experience” foreshadowed earlier in the novel.

           In this case, Experience takes the form of illness and the metaphysical flight she goes on while in its grip:

She felt a pulse beat fast in her temples:  she felt too her brain in strange activity: her spirits were raised: hundreds of busy and broken, but brilliant thoughts engaged her mind:  a glow rested on them, such as tinged her complexion.

Now followed a hot, parched, thirsty, restless night.  Towards morning one terrible dream seized her like a tiger: when she woke, she felt and knew she was ill.  (Volume III, chapter I “The Valley of the Shadow of Death” p. 422)

“Where is the other world?  In what will another life consist?  Why do I ask?  Have I not cause to think that the hour is hasting but too fast when the veil must be rent for me?  Do I not know the Grand Mystery is likely to burst prematurely on me? Great Spirit!”  (Volume III, chapter I “The Valley of the Shadow of Death” pp. 427-8)  

Later on in this same chapter, Miss Helstone makes another crucial discovery by way of a confession from Mrs. Pryor when she tells Caroline that she is her biological mother.  This is what we can refer to as our heroine’s Initiation.

Having fulfilled her quest, (what Campbell coined “Return,”) Caroline is now able to share with others what she has learned.  When she receives word that her beloved Robert has been the victim of an assassination attempt, she strikes a deal with young Martin Yorke in order to see him.

Upon visiting the Yorke estate—where Mr. Moore is recovering, she imparts upon him her new-found understanding of the more difficult aspects of life, and showers him with empathy:

“Do you suffer pain, Robert?”

“Not so much pain now; but I am hopelessly weak, and the state of my mind is inexpressible—dark, barren, impotent.  Do you not read it all in my face?  I look a mere ghost.”

“Altered, yet I should have known you anywhere: but I understand your feelings: I experienced something like it. Since we met, I too have been very ill.”

“Very ill?”

“I thought I should die.  The tale of my life seemed told.  Every night just at midnight I used to wake from awful dreams—and the book lay open before me, at the last page where was written ‘Finis.’ I had strange feelings.”

“You speak my experience.” (Volume III, chapter X “Martin’s Tactics” p. 583)

Now Caroline comes from a position of strength to her darling Mr. Moore.  Through her own grappling with anguish, she is finally able to understand the pain and suffering of others.

It is easy to see, by really absorbing the novel and observing carefully Caroline’s traits and her world, how she takes this Hero’s Journey. She is separated from the one she loves most, yet finds unexpected love along the way (in Mrs. Pryor), and goes from a youngster to a fully mature adult during the course of this journey. Through her trials, she grows from a girl into a woman worthy of marriage, and, indeed, is later on proposed to by Robert Moore.

Among other things, then, this tale is about proving that there is no growth without change; without effort of some sort. That a person builds character and becomes an adult not by age alone, but by the trials and tribulations she experiences.  It also shows that love is not the silly giddy feeling you get when being courted, it is the comfort and security of knowing that the one(s) you love—be they a parent, a friend, a lover, or a spouse—will be there when times become difficult or even unbearable.

Tara Marseglia is a native Minnesota transfer of Austin Texas.  She holds a B.A. in English Literature with a history minor. In the past she has served on the Board of Directors of Lake Superior Writers as well as run the Poetry sub-group. In addition to writing, she has experience in theatre, art film, stage production, and virtual artistry. Currently she is working on a series of fantasy novels which she describes as a cross between Ovid’s “Metamorphoses” and Piers Anthony’s “Incantations of Immortality”. Areas of interest include English and American Literature; English, Italian, and American History; film; 1980s revival; pagan and polytheistic cultures; polyamory and bisexuality.

[botanistlester]

Sweet Pea (24/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Hi friends! I am SO SORRY for not updating last week! A lot of you guys are following my tumblr so you were aware I wouldn't be updating, but i'm sorry to those of you who didn't know! Basically I went to my mom's house and her internet wasn't working so I wasn't able to upload. Anyways, I hope you all had a good holiday and a good new year! This fic was also nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best)!!!! You have NO IDEA how much this means to me. If you want to vote for this fic, I believe voting opens up in a week! Anyways, have fun reading this chapter! Thanks to @snowbunnylester for betaing this for me and the lyrics at the beginning are from the song Lonely Girl by Tonight Alive (:

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Chapter Twenty-Four

Lonely girl it looks like you are out of luck. Tell me how it feels to watch your friends give up. I was on your side, I stood by you. So go ahead and cry it's just like you.

-

It had been a few weeks since Phil had started to go to therapy. and he had grown a bit more accustomed to talking to a professional about what he was feeling. He liked that he could be open about literally anything, whether he was talking about what he had for breakfast that morning or how his body image was so ruined from Nico that he could barely look in the mirror anymore without feeling like he was an entirely different person.

Nate always had helpful handouts to give him, things about changing his behaviors and ways of thinking. He had handouts about how to handle panic attacks, how he shouldn’t fight against them but just accept that they were happening, that he should focus on breathing so he didn’t hyperventilate.

Nate didn’t mention anything about Phil being diagnosed with a disorder. He hinted at certain things, of course, gave Phil information about panic attacks and anxiety, but then he handed Phil a paper about how to deal with post traumatic stress disorder and how it didn’t have to be something only a soldier experienced, and Phil felt his heart stop.

Post traumatic stress disorder? He didn’t have that. He couldn’t have that. Looking back at everything, his relationship with Nico hadn’t been so bad as to lead him to have fucking PTSD. It was impossible and there must be a mistake.

For a while, Phil couldn’t speak. He nodded and tried to listen as Nate talked him through the worksheet, but he could hardly hear the words that came out of Nate’s mouth because his eyes were just focused on post-traumatic stress disorder and his mind was kind of blank.

He didn’t want to admit to anybody that this would make sense. That this could be the reason why he’d passed out while he was getting the restraining order, that this could be why he freaked out over sweet peas, why he still had panic attacks every time he tried to wear any slightly revealing clothing.

Phil was a fucking mess, but Nate tried to help him through it the best that he could.

It was working for the most part. Not so much that there was a noticeable difference each appointment, but just enough that Phil found himself feeling less like a robot and more like a human being again. He found that he could go outside more, that he could hang out with his friends and his laughs wouldn’t be faked anymore.

Most importantly, he found that Dan’s own mental health was getting better.

Dan didn’t sigh so much anymore. He laughed loudly and his dimples caved in so deep that Phil wanted to poke his cheeks. His eyes sparkled when Phil laughed, and he even seemed to have more colour to his skin, almost like he was glowing.

His body wasn’t ridden down to the point of exhaustion as much anymore, and Phil found that to be his motivating factor as to why he continued to go to therapy, why he tried to get better.

There were bad days, more often than not. There were days where Phil completely broke down in tears, days where he had a panic attack so bad that he would find himself lying on the kitchen floor ten minutes later after passing out from hyperventilation. There were days when he woke up crying, and days where Phil locked himself in the bedroom, refusing to let Dan anywhere near him.

But there were also days where Dan would come home to find that Phil had made five batches of chocolate chip cookies just because. There were days where Phil went to work and laughed at the stories his customers told him, where he was high on caffeine and too much chocolate. There were days where Phil would dance around the lounge to Rihanna, grabbing Dan by the hands and swinging him around with him until they both collapsed on the couch, completely spent. Phil also went outside with his friends now, finding that he was closer to Ledjon, Jane, and Charlie than ever, and he was also getting quite used to the company of Dan’s friend, Louise, as well.

It was a roller coaster. Phil never knew what mood he would be in when he woke up that morning, if he would want to stay in bed, or if he would want to sing his heart out to Mariah Carey.

That was normal. That was okay. That was healing.

-

There was a knock on the door to the flat, and Phil tensed up, his heart speeding up a little bit faster than normal. He didn’t know who was knocking, didn’t know who could possibly be coming over without a little bit of warning. He was currently home alone. Dan was at uni, probably bored out of his mind in one of his directing classes, and Phil had gotten the day off from work, so he was just lounging around in his pyjamas without a care in the world, a half finished mug of way-too-sweet hot cocoa sitting on the table in front of him. For some reason, he’d thought that it was a good idea to put in two packets of the cocoa mix instead of one, and his taste buds were angry, but his stomach was feeling the aftermath.

Phil knew for a fact that his other friends were all in class as well. It was noon, which meant that everybody else was sitting in lectures. There was no way they would be knocking on his door right then. So who could it possibly be?

Taking a deep breath, Phil pushed himself up, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to ponder over the occurrence all day. He’d already taken too long to open up the door. It was starting to get suspicious. He shouldn’t be freaking out over small things like knocks on the door, even though his psychologist said it was a common reaction to such a stimuli after everything he’d been through.

A stimulus, because Phil was an experiment at this point apparently.

His movements felt slow and sluggish as he padded across the room to the door. He briefly wondered how long it’d been since he’d had anything to eat and only realised then that he’d yet to eat anything that day. Maybe after he dealt with this person, whoever it was, then he could order some take out or something.

He opened the door, the hinges squeaking, and he yawned a little as he did so. Until he stopped mid yawn to start choking, coughing with surprise and horror.

“You- what are you doing here?!”

Bright blue eyes, blonde hair in a perfect ponytail, a nervous expression on her face. Chandler was stood in his door, gnawing at her lip as though it were her lifeline, and staring at the ground like it was the most interesting thing in the entire world. Her shoulders were caved in with defeat already, but she buried herself further into herself at Phil’s words, which were filled with venom and surprise.

How dare she show up on Phil’s doorstep? After everything she’d put him through! After tossing him aside like a fucking ragdoll and leaving him to rot with mental health problems and a constant worry that he was going crazy? After telling him that his boyfriend wasn’t abusive, that Phil was lucky for snagging someone as great as Nico and ultimately forcing him to stay in a relationship with someone who tortured his thoughts and emotions.

How could she just show up on Phil’s doorstep as though she hadn’t thrown him out as soon as an attractive man showed her the slightest amount of attention?

Phil went to shut the door, so fast that he couldn’t even think when he did so. His heart was pounding so hard that he couldn’t even hear his own thoughts or the breath escaping his lungs in sporadic gasps.

How dare she? How dare she!

Chandler shoved her shoe in the door before Phil could slam it shut. The door shut on her foot and she hissed, but Phil didn’t feel guilty. He felt like he was going to faint, and that wasn’t good. “Phil, please,” she begged, and Phil was already shaking his head. No. He shouldn’t have to listen to her. No. No. No. “I really need to talk to you. Please.”

At that, Phil couldn’t help but to bark out a short laugh. “You want to talk? After everything you put me through?” His words came out more confident than he felt, and they were dripping with venom. She was not welcome here. “Why should I give you that right? You left me to rot when I needed you the most, and then you had the audacity to tell me it was my fault. So why, please tell me, should I let you talk to me now? After all these months?”

Chandler took a deep breath. Phil could hear it like the breeze outside, swaying through the tree leaves. And then she spoke, and Phil’s resolve completely dissolved.

“Because you were right.”

Phil stumbled backwards, shaking his head. He shouldn’t be listening to this. He shouldn’t be giving in. But… but he needed to know. He needed to know how he was right, how Nico had destroyed Chandler.

He needed to know that he wasn’t alone.

He moved out of the way, silently allowing her inside. He didn’t know what he could say to her, so he didn’t speak and just walked to the table, sitting down as if he was in a haze. His movements were robotic and Chandler was crying, but he didn’t try to console her. It gave him a sick pleasure to see her crying, made him feel disgusting and like a horrible person, but he didn’t do anything about it. He just threw a package of tissues her way and made himself some tea without offering her any.

She did not deserve tea in his home right then.

Phil sat on the opposite side of the table. He took a sip of his tea to calm his nerves but it was tasteless, only burning his tongue and making him cringe. He hated that his heart was in his throat and his words came out scathing no matter how hard he tried to make himself be the bigger person. Here Chandler was, obviously upset, and all Phil could do was treat her like a piece of rubbish and spew bullshit at her. He couldn’t seem to help it, though. He was hurt. Beyond hurt. And seeing his ex best friend sat before him was opening old wounds that he had thought were originally beginning to heal once and for all.

“Spill it, then,” Phil ordered, and he noted the way Chandler flinched at his tone. Maybe he needed to take it down a notch. “What’s happened?”

Chandler didn’t answer for a long time. She sat rigid in the chair, her eyes glued to her hands. She didn’t move a muscle aside from the occasional blinking when her eyes got too dry from the staring. Finally, she spoke, her voice soft and timid. It was different than anything Phil had ever heard before. Typically, Chandler was loud. She was brash, unforgiving in her tone. But now, she was reserved. Shy, completely unlike herself.

Phil perked up as he saw the red flags immediately, even before she spoke.

“You were right. About him. About everything.”

Phil sighed and pushed his tea over to her. She needed it more than he did, evidently, because she was shaking and her voice was quivering as well. This was obviously hard for her, and Phil knew he shouldn’t just give in, but he didn’t like to see anyone in pain because of Nico, no matter what had happened in the past. “What has he done to you?” Phil asked softly, urging her to go on.

Chandler took a sip of the tea and swallowed. Phil could hear it from his chair, too loud in his ears. “I…” she swallowed again and cleared her throat. Phil waited patiently even though his heart was pounding with anger and anxiety. “He’s a very manipulative person. You have to understand that,” she started. Phil nodded. He knew that better than anyone. Better than her, thats for sure. “He’s very charming and makes it seem like everything he says is true. I think that’s why it was so easy for me to just… abandon you like that. Not excusing my actions, of course.”

Phil sighed. His head hurt. “Just get on with it, then. Stop dwelling in the past, yeah?”

Chandler flinched once more and nodded. Phil felt bad, but not too bad. Maybe he should listen to his own advice.

“He made me believe that you were cheating on him with Dan. He told me about you texting with him, and it wasn't hard to believe because I know you had a thing for him in the past and that Dan had a thing for you too. So it was easy to believe that. He would call me sometimes and he would cry and tell me about how he loved you but he didn’t think you loved him back, said that you told him that you were scared of him. Since you’d asked me about abuse, I was really angry when I heard this. I thought you were just making excuses because you didn’t want to be with him anymore but you were too scared to tell him. I thought you were just leading him on. So I became very angry with you after hearing everything he said.”

Phil grit his teeth and resisted the urge to hop across the table and slam her mouth shut. Every fucking word coming out of her mouth was a lie. A lie told by Nico to make him seem like the worst possible human in the world. What Chandler didn’t know was that Phil had loved Nico so much that it made him stop loving himself. He had loved Nico to the point where he had not been able to function without him.

That was not healthy.

That was not a relationship.

He told her this in a quiet voice and she nodded frantically. “I know this now,” she said desperately. “After everything, I kind of realised that he’d just been toying with me all this time. I think he had just been using me to get back at you. No, I know he was. And that fucking hurt.”

“Why do you think he was doing that?” Phil asked, surprised. Why would Nico try to get back at him with Chandler? Nothing made sense. Nothing seemed to become clear in his foggy brain.

Chandler sighed and took another sip of tea. “He loved you a lot. I don’t know. He has this twisted idea in his mind that he has to hurt the people he loves in order to keep them. Maybe he thought you were banging Dan and he just wanted to use me to make you come running back to him. Who knows? All I know is that he treated me like I was scum and he only cared about me when it involved information about you.”

Phil swallowed thickly. He should have kept his tea because his mouth was suddenly dry. Hearing that Nico still loved him… fuck he didn’t want to hear that. It was nice, despite the pain it brought him, but it also made nausea raise to his throat. He hated the idea of Nico thinking about him. But he loved the idea of Nico being upset about him. It was a conundrum, one that Phil didn’t quite understand.

Chandler went on, talking about how Nico treated her. She said that Nico really only cared about sex with her, and that he would get mad at her when she wore revealing clothes or shorts. He would call her a slut, would get mad at her for ignoring his texts, would get mad at her for having friends other than him. And apparently he had been cheating on her with three other people as well.

An image of the girl in the parfait shop came to Phil’s mind, but Phil brushed it off. He shouldn’t bring that up right then. He didn’t even want to think about it.

“I know it’s stupid to be this upset about it,” Chandler concluded, picking at a loose piece of skin hanging from her thumb. “My situation wasn’t as bad as yours was, and it didn’t even last half as long. I should be grateful for that. I shouldn’t be this fucked up over it.”

Phil slammed his hand down on the table, which made Chandler jump and stare at him with alarmed eyes. He pointed at her accusingly, shaking his head. There was fire in his eyes and he was aware he must have looked furious. “Don’t say something like that,” Phil hissed. “It’s not a fucking competition about how bad we both had it. We both went through horrible experiences and we’re bound to be fucked up about it, regardless of the level or extent of the abuse. Your experiences are just as valid as mine are. So I don’t even want to hear you say that your situation wasn’t as bad as it sounds or anything of that sort. You matter. Your experiences matter. You shouldn’t downplay what you went through when it’s fucked you up this badly.”

“How can you just-“ Chandler’s voice broke and her eyes welled up with tears “-say that? After what you’ve been through? After what I’ve put you through? How can you just recognise something like that? Why don’t you spite me?”

This made Phil laugh, the sound sharp and rather harsh. He didn’t mean to sound like that, but it seemed as if he had no filter anymore when it came to Chandler, when it came to concerns about Nico. The truth was that Phil did harbour bad feelings towards Chandler. Some might say that he hated her. But just because she did him wrong didn’t mean that she deserved the same treatment as him, that her feelings weren’t just as valid as his own. “Honestly? After everything that I’ve been through with both you and Nico, I hate you guys. I despise you and how you made me blame myself. I still haven’t forgiven you for that and I don’t know if I ever will. But,” Phil said, accenting his word and trying to make the distressed look disappear from her face, “just because you hurt me doesn’t mean that you deserve the same treatment that I went through. Sure, I was spiteful at first and even wanted revenge, but I’ve been working towards trying to understand the situation and to stop blaming anyone but Nico himself. Yes, you fucked up. Badly. You hurt me deeply, and I’m not over that. But that doesn’t justify how you were also abused by him, and I hope that you’ll come to that realisation sometime too. It’s taken me a long time to get here, and one of the only reasons I was able to get here was because I didn’t try to do this alone. I found a good support system through Dan and Ledjon, and I see a therapist now to help me through my panic attacks and other issues.” He didn’t mention how his therapist had mentioned PTSD, but he didn’t feel as though that was necessary for Chandler to hear. “You’ll get there too, and I know you will. It’s fucking hard, but you’ll get there.”

Chandler started to cry again, tears kissing her cheeks and painting her skin an angry red colour. She covered her eyes with her hands, pressing her palms into her eyes in a way that looked like it hurt. “Thank- thank you,” she gasped out, and Phil smiled at her.

“Nobody deserves to go through that,” he said again in a soft voice, and he felt as though a giant weight has been lifted from his shoulders. For the longest time, he had held so much hatred for Chandler inside of him, holding it close to him as though it were a little piece of comfort. He had blamed her for everything and had wanted nothing more than to wreak havoc on her life.

But now, all of his malicious intent floated away with her words. He didn’t know if he wanted to be close with her anymore, and he informed her of that, but nobody deserved to go through abuse, no matter what they’d done in their lives. Nobody deserved that.

Chandler thanked him profusely, saying that she was glad that he was listening to her, even though he was angry with her. She didn’t stop crying for a long time, but eventually her tears dried and turned into soft sniffles. Her nose was red and her eyes were puffy and Phil offered her to use the bathroom to wash her face if she needed to, but she politely declined, saying she actually had to go so she could leave for work.

As she stood up to leave, the front door creaked open, and Dan’s voice suddenly filled the room.

“Honey, I’m home!” Dan yelled, as they often joked about now since Phil was practically playing housewife while Dan was away at school. Chandler shot Phil a confused and incredulous look, to which Phil grimaced as Dan started rambling about something, completely unaware of Chandler’s presence as of yet. “I grabbed some more laundry detergent on my way back. I figured we needed some because I can practically smell your dirty clothes all the way into the kitchen. Though that could also be because you leave your socks everywhere you please-“ he froze in the doorway to the kitchen, eyes widening at the scene before him, mouth gaping wide. “Erm- oh?” he questioned, which was quite comedic, except Phil didn’t find any humour in the situation.

Phil ignored Chandler’s intrigued stare and awkwardly cleared his throat, gesturing to the blonde girl. “Dan, you remember Chandler, yeah? We were close friends.” Of course Dan remembered Chandler. How could he not? He’s heard about her enough that Phil was sure Dan could list all of her likes and dislikes off the top of his head.

Dan nodded, and it was obvious by expression that he was horribly confused. “Of course. It’s nice to see you again,” he said lowly.

Chandler nodded, eyes darting between Dan and Phil like she couldn’t quite understand what she was seeing. Dan seemed the same, both of them extremely lost as to what was happening. “Dan! I didn’t know that you two were…”

Immediately, Phil’s face turned a dark shade of red and his entire body felt hot. He shook his head, nudging her closer to the door so she could leave his home and allow him to explain what was going on to Dan, who was probably internally freaking out. “No, no, no,” Phil interjected at the accusation. He didn’t look at Dan, didn’t want to know what sort of facial expression Dan wore when someone assumed they were a thing. “We just live together now. You know. Best friend and all.”

“Right,” Chandler said, but she didn’t seem convinced. In fact, her whole face was filled with suspicion. Phil tried not to groan.

This was exactly what he didn’t need right now.

“Well, you should get going,” Phil rushed out, and Chandler couldn’t do anything but nod her agreement and head towards the door. Phil was pushing her a little bit after all.

Right before she was pushed outside, she turned to Phil and wrapped him in a tight hug. He stood stiffly, his hands glued to his sides. While he appreciated the fact that she came to him for help, he was still quite uncertain how far he wanted his relationship to go with her again. He didn’t know if he ever wanted to be close with her once more. “Thank you. For everything,” Chandler murmured into his shoulder. “You’re more amazing than you give yourself credit for, and I’m sorry again for what I've put you through.”

Phil sighed and nodded, smiling at her as she detached herself from him. “It’s no problem,” he said smoothly. “Thank you for the apology.”

He didn’t say it was okay, because frankly it wasn’t. Chandler didn’t comment on his choice of words, only bid him farewell and walked out the door with another half smile towards him and another curious glance towards Dan.

Phil didn’t allow himself to groan until the door was firmly closed and locked behind her, shielding him away from her prying stare.

“What was that about?”

Dan’s question made Phil startle and he turned to find Dan leaning against the wall, arms crossed and eyebrows raised. He was the perfect picture of a woman who just caught her husband cheating, and the thought was a rather strange one to Phil.

Phil shrugged. “She apologised about the Nico thing. Said Nico did the same thing to her. I assured her that she didn’t deserve the crap that he put her through.” Phil made a face. “No matter how much I wanted to tell her that karma was a bitch and that I told her so.”

At that, Dan cracked a smile and pushed himself away from the wall. He engulfed Phil in a large hug, nuzzling his nose into Phil’s hair and inhaling loudly. His arms were tight around Phil’s shoulders and Phil relaxed into the embrace, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist. “That was a strong thing you did. I’m proud of you.”

“It was nothing,” Phil murmured, even though he knew it was everything.

A week ago, he would never have dealt with something as smoothly as this. And yet, he stood up for himself while also recognising that Chandler didn’t deserve anything Nico had put her through. Phil had a right to be proud of himself.

“Bullshit,” Dan snorted, and he kissed Phil’s head, making Phil melt into his touch even moreso. Phil liked Dan’s hugs. It was as though he were hugging a giant warm teddy bear. “You handled that very well. I’m damn proud.”

And Phil wouldn’t admit this, but he was proud of himself as well. More than Dan could ever know.

Chapter Twenty-Five