#i am just very bad at expressing positive emotions

[enden-agolor]

damn 800 followes thats crazy. thanks gamers

[aspoonofsugar]

Hi! Where do you think Alastor's arc is going? Redemption or villainy?

Hi!

Thank you for the ask, I loved watching Hazbin Hotel and I am happy I can write for the series :)

As for now, I think Alastor will spiral and hurt Charlie very badly, but he will eventually redeem himself (probably in a key moment). That is because Alastor is framed as Charlie's Jungian shadow.

What is the Jungian Shadow?

According to Jung, the shadow is what a person represses, both positive and negative. So, it can be one's violent tendencies, but also one's potential and energy. It really depends on the person.

So, why does Alastor fit the Shadow Archetype? Well, first of all:

Alastor's powers make use of shadows. Not only that, but Alastor's own shadow is very expressive and shows the demon's repressed feelings. In other words:

On the one hand Alastor embodies the shadow, in the sense he represents what Charlie refuses to face

On the other hand Alastor himself represses his emotions behind a smiling face:

Alastor: Just because you see a smile, don't think you know what is going on underneath. A smile is a valuable tool, my dear. It inspires your friends, keeps your enemies guessing and ensures tha no matter what comes your way, you're the one in control.

This is a good characterization for a jungian shadow because the shadow grows stronger and more dangerous, when it's ignored. So, the most one refuses to face their feelings, the most these feelings fester and grow powerful and dangerous. This fits Alastor both when it comes to others and to his own character:

He takes advantage of an emotional unstable and vulnerable Charlie to strike an abimguous deal with her. Similarly, he uses Husk's gambling addiction to steal his soul. He uses people's weaknesses an unsolved problems to take over.

He suffocates his feelings, which symbolically manifest in his powerful shadow-tentacles. His design and abilities are representative of his psychological coping mechanism, which is nothing, but repression.

As written above, though, the Jungian Shadow can be both negative and positive depending on what one hides. This duality is shown in Alastor's two roles in Charlie's arc:

He is a demonic archetype (even moreso than Lucifer, the titular devil), as he waits in the shadows for a chance to manipulate Charlie

He is an evil mentor, as he genuinelly likes Charlie, sees her potential and wants to guide her towards greatness:

She's filled with potential that I could guide

This isn't a contradiction, but complexity. Alastor is chaotic and mixes negative traits and intentions with positive ones. Just like what people repress can be both bad and good, usually at the same time.

This is clear when it comes to the Princess of Hell:

Charlie to Alastor: What's that you said about smiles?

Charlie is similar to Alastor in how she represses herself behind her pollyanna persona and her smile. This doesn't mean she is faking her altruism and generosity, but that she is using these traits to hide something else:

Lute: The only reason you're still here is that Daddy gave you and your Hellborn-kind a pardon from an exorcist's blade. How does that feel? To know how little you matter.

Deep down, Charlie invests herself in the Hazbin Hotel project because she wants to matter. She feels powerless and unimportant, as a result of her parents' neglects and of Hell's difficult situation.

So, our protagonist has strong self-issues that she refuses to face:

Husk: Princess is a bleedy heart who wants to solve everybod else's problems, 'cept her own.

That said, this isn't the only thing Charlie represses. The Princess of Hell hides:

Every negative emotions she feels, like her self-hate or her anger at Vaggie for hiding her true identity:

Rosie: How does that make you feel? Charlie: Just... angry? Because we share everything! Because she always supported me, and my ideas, and now I don't know whether or not that was just more of the lies... Oh no, that's a horrible thing to think! Do I think that? Yes! No? Kinda?

Her most violent and aggressive side, which makes so she is unable to make full use of her powers:

Vaggie: Well, I mean... You're the princess of Hell, but you don't really use the power that comes with that. Mybe you can, I don't know? Command a little more... authority. Charlie: But that's so mean.

In short, by repressing her negative feelings, she also represses her potential. It is only by facing herself as a whole, that she can fully grow and bloom into her most powerful and complete self:

This is made clear in Charlie's quest in Cannibal Town. There, our girl is at her lowest, but she is pushing herself forward for the sake of her loved ones. She is trying to imitate Alastor by smiling, even if she is sour inside. However, things do not go well and it is only through her heart to heart chat with Rosie, that Charlie is able to pull herself together and inspire her people. Symbolically, she gets through them not with a 100% optimistic song like "Inside of every demon is a rainbow". Rather she opens her speech, by showing vulnerability and honesty:

It's a feeling like a rumbling in your gut That you could finally be faced with A billion needy faces I guess what I mean to say is For the first time in my life I might have to be ready for this Ready to be the one who's leading from the front Gotta come into my own Gotta come into my throne Gotta take charge and defend my only home And although I kinda feel unsteady Now I need to be ready for this

She affirms who she is and her willingness to grow into herself:

For the first time in my life Maybe I can be ready for this I can be the marshal leading the parade I can come into my own And I think I've always known My destiny could never be postponed When Adam brings the battle here I must appear like I'm ready for this

So, it is only by tapping into her own shadow that Charlie can be successfull. It is through expression and not repression that she can reach her goals.

What about Alastor?

He is the same, but so far he has been refusing to open up to others:

Angel: He's been here a while and he's still a big, creepy mystery.

That said, his time at the Hazbin Hotel has had an impact on him. He is forced to deal with others without killing them:

Vaggie: Pentious's eggs are all over the place. I need you to get rid of them. (...) Humanely!

He is shown cutting ties with a poisonous friend:

He openly admits he likes the people of the hotel:

Alastor: Ah, an enjoyable collective to be around. I admit one could get accustomed.

However, he still refuses to openly show vulnerability and ends up like this:

Let's highlight that Charlie and Alastor are foiled in The Show Must Go On song.

Both stand in the ruins of their homes/dreams.

The Hotel:

I took a hotel, and I destroyed it I know I could have done better Better, instead of letting you down

The Radio Station:

This place reeks of death There's a chill in the air And I barely escaped being killed by a hair

And both decide not to give up and to keep pursuing their objectives. However, Charlie is framed positively, while Alastor negatively. Why?

Charlie sings about her feelings openly and is supported by her father and found family:

Alastor sings about his pain privately and even then he barely shows his desperation before going back to his villanious mask:

Symbolically the moment Alastor reunites with the Hotel Crew, he sings:

And we're doing it with a smile!

He is back in control of himself, ready to hide everything behind his neverchanging smile.

So, Alastor is both Charlie's negative foil and Jungian Shadow. As her negative foil, he is bound to spiral. As her Jungian Shadow he is bound to be saved. Why is that so? Two reasons.

The Jungian Shadow can't be killed, but needs to be integrated with.

The main themes of the series are redemption and love, so it is improbable that Charlie won't help the person, who co-founded the hotel with her.

If anything, it seems that our princess is progressively asked to forgive, inspire and see the good in more and more complex cases.

It starts with Angel, who willingly stays at the Hotel. It goes on with Pentious, who infiltrates the Hotel, but makes no real damage. Then Lucifer, whom Charlie loves, but that has been absent from the majority of her life. Finally, Vaggie, who breaks Charlie's trust.

Each conflict Charlie has challenges her in a different way and helps her discover herself and grow. She is bound to meet new struggles when Lilith becomes a broken pedestal and finally when Alastor betrays or hurts her. Still, she is going to forgive and to understand them.

Charlie is going to see the good in Alastor and to better understand herself as a result. As a matter of fact Charlie's journey is one where she is slowly discovering a world, which isn't black and white:

If Hell is forever, then Heaven must be a lie If angels can do whatever, and remain in the sky The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again

Just like people aren't black and white. Just like she herself isn't black and white. By saving Alastor, she is gonna save herself too. Together with the whole universe.

And what about Alastor? Well, he needs to work on himself, as well. He too must integrate with his shadow, who is embodied by a certain character:

Husk is a powerful overlord, who lost his soul to a demon. Just like Alastor:

Husk: Big talk for someone, who's also on a leash.

Alastor and Husk are both on a leash. Still, Husk admits it and starts working on his shortcoming:

Husk: You're a loser, just like me

Alastor instead affirms his willingness to be in control and to pull the strings:

Once I figure out how to unclip my wings Guess who will be pulling all the strings?

Alastor is a loser, just like Husk. Just like all the characters in hell. Sinners vs Winners. And yet, he refuses to admit it. This is why he makes no progress. Similarly, he wants freedom, but enslaves others. This isn't going to work out, which is why I am fairly certain he will eventually set Husk free. Probably by doing so, Alastor will make the first real step towards his own freedom. He will start integrating his own shadow.

Thank you for the ask!

[scoonsalicious]

Unwanted: Chapter 19, Unfriended - Pt. 2

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Fem!Reader

Summary: When your FWB relationship with your best friend Bucky Barnes turns into something more, you couldn’t be happier. That is, however, until a new Avenger sets her sights on your super soldier and he inadvertently breaks your heart. You take on a mission you might not be prepared for to put some distance between the two of you and open yourself up to past traumas. Too bad the only one who can help you heal is the one person you can no longer trust.

Warnings: (For this part only; see Story Masterlist for general Warnings) Language, yelling, mentions of violence against women.

Word Count: 1.9k

Previously On...: You showed Nat and Wanda the texts. They were as bad as you thought.

A/N: You guys sure know how to make me give you whatever you want with all your flattery! I am WEAK. Keep it coming ;) Also, this scene is the very first one that came into my head during the creation of this fic, one of the first I wrote for it. It had to be redone a lot as the story changed, but I like to think I kept the beats and emotions the same as I first intended to be.

NOTE! The tag list is a fickle bitch, so I'm not really going to be dealing with it anymore. If you want to be notified when I update, please enable notifications from my Blog page!

Banner By: The absolutely amazing @mrsbuckybarnes1917!

Thank you to all those who have been reading; if you like what you've read, likes, comments, and reblogs give me life, and I truly appreciate them, and you!

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Once inside the conference room, your friends made sure to sit you between the two of them, so that Bucky couldn't park himself next to you. Unfortunately, there wasn't much they could do to keep him from taking the seat across from you.

"Hey," he said as he sat down, "I've been trying to call you; thought we could go get some lunch before returning to our previously scheduled activities. Where've you been?" You acted as though you hadn't heard him, pretending you were extremely interested in something on your phone. It didn't escape your notice, however, when Jade entered the room and sat down in the seat next to him, Bucky instinctively shifted his seat away from her slightly. She glanced between the two of you, a smug smile playing across her lips.

"Bucky," she greeted. "How's things?"

"Carthage," he huffed in response. You made the mistake of catching his eye for a brief second, and he offered you a tentative smile before you immediately hardened your expression and turned away.

Nat jotted down a sentence in her notebook and slid the paper over to you. Your puppy looks like you just kicked him in the face and he can't figure out why.

You suppressed a snicker and wrote back I can't reward a mongrel for indiscriminately humping bitches, can I? You quickly worked to scribble over your words as Natasha positively cackled at you, drawing everyone's attention.

"You alright there, Nat?" Tony asked as he entered the room, moving toward the front of the space and getting ready to begin the meeting. Nat coughed and took a sip from her water bottle.

"Just peachy, Tony," she answered, stifling a smile. "Just peachy."

"Okay, good. Let's get this started, then." He opened up his tablet and flicked a projection over the table. It was a series of photographs of about two dozen or so young women, all looking to be in their late teens to early thirties. "These women," Tony began, "have all been reported missing from the vicinity of Atlantic City over the last eighteen months. They've all got a history of either drugs, prostitution, or both, so the local police aren't interested in wasting valuable resources tracking them down. Fortunately for them, my resources are endless." He gave a sad smile, then with another flick of his wrist, brought up a three-dimensional schematic of a squat building. "This is called the Wiggle Room. It's a Russian-owned club where at least half of the missing girls were dancers at some point in the last three years."

"You're thinking trafficking," you spoke up. It wasn't a question. You knew the signs too well, after all. Tony nodded.

"That's horrible," said Jade "but, I mean, we're the Avengers. Isn't trafficking kind of... I dunno, below our paygrade?"

If looks could kill, you and Natasha would have murdered her on the spot. Bucky rolled his eyes before leaning over and murmuring something to Jade that you couldn't quite hear, but you had a pretty good idea what it was when her face turned red and she looked at the two of you and muttered "Oh, sorry-- I didn't know."

Your next murder-by-death stare went to Bucky. How fucking dare he divulge your secrets to her, especially when you told him he was only one of three people on this entire fucking planet who knew them? You told him that in confidence. He had absolutely no right. He just shrugged at you apologetically. Fucking shrugged. You were going to throw up. How many times was he going to betray you?

"As I was saying," Tony continued, as though Jade hadn't interrupted him, and you were grateful for it, "we want to put a couple of people on the inside, work there for a few months, see what they can find out."

"Oooh!" said Jade, bouncing in her seat and raising her hand like she was in grade school. "I volunteer!" She turned to stage whisper to Bucky. "Wouldn't I make an absolutely adorable stripper? It would be so much fun!"

Bucky had the good sense, for once in his life, to roll his eyes at Jade as Tony spoke up: “You’re benched, Carthage,” he said matter of factly. “Which reminds me; we need to have a discussion about how you managed to sneak your ass onto the Russia mission.

You felt a sick sense of satisfaction when you saw the look of chastisement cross Jade’s face, and were overcome with a renewed curiosity over just how she happened to get herself on that Quinjet in the first place. Not that it mattered, not anymore.

"So, do you think you'd be up for it, Pocket?" Tony turned to you. "Willing to dust off those pasties and jump back on the pole one last time?"

You smirked, having suspected that the ask was coming as soon as he mentioned a strip club. "What can I say, Boss? It'll be like riding a bike."

"Good, because maintenance is putting a practice pole in your room as we speak. Don't want you looking rusty undercover."

"As if I could ever!” You pretended to be affronted.

"Hold up," said Steve, and suddenly, you could feel all eyes on you. Oops. You’d forgotten that part of your history was also not common knowledge. You glanced around and everyone was staring; Sam's mouth was even hanging open. "Are you saying Pocket used to be a stripper?" Steve whispered the last word, as though it was naughty and he'd get in trouble for using it.

"Hey," you said nonchalantly, shrugging your shoulders, "MIT ain't cheap."

"I'll have you know, Cap, that exotic dancing is a craft, and our Pocket here is an artist." You beamed at Tony's words, pride flushing through you. Your past as a dancer wasn't something that you necessarily led conversations with, but you weren't ashamed of it. The money had been excellent, and you'd been good at it. Damned good.

"You've seen her?" Sam asked, mouth still hanging open.

"How do you think we met?" Tony asked him, as if it was the stupidest question in the world.

"No," said Bucky, out of nowhere, his voice hard and angry. He stood up, fists planted on the table, glaring at you.

"It was definitely while she was working at a strip club" Tony said, deliberately mistaking Bucky's meaning. "It's not everyday you get a comparative analysis of the weaknesses of your company's firewalls at the same time you get a lap dance; tends to leave a lasting impression."

"No, I mean Pocket's not going undercover. She's just a civilian and it's too dangerous. Send Natasha or Jade in, instead," Bucky bit out through gritted teeth.

"Excuse me?" You stood up, as well, mirroring his stance and matching his glare from across the table. "You do not get to determine what missions are too dangerous for me, James. You're not my father."

"But I'm your boyfriend," he said, and the fact that you had called him 'James,' and not 'Bucky' or 'Barnes' wasn't lost on him. "And I care about whether or not you get hurt."

You laughed, cold and mirthless. "Since when?" you spat, letting every ounce of pain you felt at his betrayal into your voice. He looked back at you, hurt and abject confusion clouding his features.

"If you're so worried about her, then you can go, too," Tony said. "Go as her boyfriend, get a job at the club as a bouncer. We need multiple sets of eyes."

Bucky seemed almost mollified by this suggestion, but you were not going to allow it. "Absolutely not," you said, the conviction ringing in your voice. "Sam'll come with me."

"What?" both Sam and the super soldier asked at the same time.

"Barnes is way too identifiable with that metal arm," you offered by way of explanation. "No way in hell I'll keep my cover if I walk in with the fucking Winter Soldier by my side."

"She's got a point," Steve said, scratching his chin. "But Pocket, language, please." You stole a glance at Bucky, and his eyes were full of pain. You'd called him the Winter Soldier. Out loud. You'd never done that; you knew how hard he worked to differentiate himself from the monster Hydra had turned him into. It was a low blow on your part, but you couldn't find it in you to give a shit.

Tony clapped his hands. "All right, then it's settled. Pocket and Sam will go to Atlantic City. It's strictly an intel-finding mission, only. No heroics, got it you two?" You both nodded in agreement. While you were excited to go out into the field in an undercover capacity, you had no desire to see combat. Sure, you could more than handle your own if it came down to self-defense-- Nat had made sure of that, but there was a reason you were the computer girl and not an actual superhero yourself. "Pocket, get practicing. You've got about a week before we’ll be sending you and Sam out; don’t want you embarrassing me up there. Any questions? No? Good. That's it, then, class adjourned. 

"Oh, and one more thing," he said before everyone could collect themselves, "don't forget, our girl's turning 35 on Saturday. The party starts at eight. Dress to kill, because I'm going all out for this one."

You couldn't help the blush that crept up your face, despite the rollercoaster of anger and agony you’d been feeling. When Tony had approached you about throwing you a birthday party, you'd demurred, telling him you were too old for one, but he had insisted that, since you'd missed out on so many childhood experiences because of what your parents had put you through, you were going to get a party to remember.

You got up and gathered your things, purposefully avoiding Bucky as Nat and Wanda glared at him while they waited to escort you out. You were eager to get up to your new room so you could start researching the missing women and this strip club and, a part of you admitted with a smile, get practicing your old routine and come up with a couple of new ones. It was just the thing you needed to take your mind off of your current troubles.

“Pocket, Sam,” Tony called, catching your attention, “hold back a minute; I want to go over some details with you.”

Nat and Wanda looked at you, but you encouraged them to go on; Steve had made a beeline toward Bucky after the meeting had been adjourned and, despite Bucky lingering, obviously waiting to speak with you, had managed to steer him out of the room to discuss something you couldn’t give a shit about. “It’s fine, guys,” you told your friends. “He’s gone; I should be able to get back up to the room without trouble.

They exchanged a glance, then looked back at you. Nodding, they left.

“Pocket,” Tony said, once the conference room was clear and it was just the two of you and Sam remaining, “care to tell me why FRIDAY says you’ve moved rooms?”

“Not at the current moment, Boss,” you said. You didn’t want to rehash the drama you’d been thrown into against your will, let alone in front of a completely innocent bystander. Instead, you encouraged him to get on with whatever more he needed to tell you and Sam about the parameters of the mission. Hopefully, it would distract you enough to take your mind off of the sheer agony you felt inside.

<- Previous Part / Next Part ->

[mysumeow]

All those thoughts were about you ⊱☆⊰

summary: Innocent Kabukimono approaches you to ask some personal questions about the reactions his body has when he's close to you.

2.1k words

warnings: 10% fluff, 90% pwp smut. afab genitals, gn pronouns. piv unprotected sex, oral sex (giving), some titplay?

a/n: oh, for those that don't remember, kabukimono was scaramouche's/wanderer's identity before he became part of the fatui. no sight of the scara nsfw alphabet, nor of part three of that tighnari smut, BUT i reeeeaally needed to get this out of my head kjsadfhskjhfdsaj this was inspired by an asortment of @kabukibun brainrots n stuff :DD hope that's okay <3

You couldn't help but stare at him after those words left his mouth.

Well, you couldn't get angry at him; he was curious. However...

"I think it would be best if you asked that type of stuff to Niwa or other men you feel comfortable with."

"I only feel comfortable with you," he retaliated without second thought. His hands grabbed your arms as he looked at you with those soft, pleading eyes. "I feel safe when I'm with you,"

His cute face and helpless expression made it hard for you to say no.

Feeling yourself quite awkward, with a low voice, you leaned in closer to his ear to whisper, "The body has its needs. Sometimes it'll have those types of reactions, and they're normal. Everybody has them."

"Even you?"

"I—not the exact same, since I have other body parts."

"I feel this way whenever I'm close to you. Is that bad?"

You covered his mouth with both hands.

"Don't say that stuff just like that!" you sighed and calmed down. You pinched the bridge of your nose, not knowing how to proceed with that information. "Kabuki, don't say that when you're around other people, okay?"

He looked at you attentively, his whole focus on you, and he nodded.

"But you didn't answer my question." even though he himself felt bashful, he took a step forward to hold your hand. "Is it alright if I feel this way about you?"

Once again, you didn't know how to take this information.

Yes, you've grown fond of this eccentric young man Katsuragi found in Shakkei Pavilion. His sudden appearance was unpredictable and shrouded in mystery, but you couldn't help but dote on him ever since he arrived.

"It's not...bad."

His expression lightened up once you said so.

"So, it's okay if we hold each other like lovers do?" before you could ask him anything, he beat you to it. "I've seen other Inazumans hold hands, hug, and kiss each other. I... would like to feel those things with you,"

Well, this evolved into something you weren't expecting.

His other hand held yours, and he leaned in closer to kiss you.

His touch was gentle; he was afraid of pushing too much. His kiss barely lasted a second, and his cheeks flushed pink.

It was adorable. You couldn't help but stifle a giggle. Kabukimono smiled at your reaction, giddy at the sight of your delighted face.

Driven by those positive emotions, he went in and kissed you again, and even though it was clumsy, you were patient with him.

"You have to do it like this, be gentle" you held his cheek, angled your head, and your lips met his. You felt him melt into your touch, leaning closer to your body as his hands made their way to clutch your back.

The kiss was sweet and modest, and you somehow still managed to get a soft mewl out of him.

You were about to pull away to check if he was okay, but he didn't budge. His firm arms grasped at you, not relenting. To your surprise, you felt him open his mouth a bit.

"Hey, don't you think you're going too fast?" you inquired once he weakened his grip.

"You think so?" he blushed so hard that the tips of his ears and neck were pink too. "It just...felt very nice,"

"Kabuki..." you grabbed his shoulders and massaged them a little. He was tense. "I just opine you're not ready for that level of—"

"I am," he interjected, confident in himself. "I'm not as innocent as everyone thinks I am," he ended with a pout.

"And what makes you think that?"

"I..." he closed his eyes and shoved his hands between his legs, as if hiding them. "Once, I sneaked into Niwa's office and found some erotic books,"

Before you could reprimand Niwa in your head for not finding a better place to hide that stuff, Kabukimono continued, "I saw a lot of things, and at night, I couldn't shake those thoughts away. Oh, and every single one of those thoughts was about you..."

He confessed everything as if he were being interrogated by a detective on a serious case.

Your initial irritation towards Niwa dissipated at your observation; you couldn't help but chuckle again.

"Why are you laughing?" he pouted again. "It's true,"

"I don't doubt it. You're too honest," you smiled again and stroked his head. "I understand. If you feel comfortable doing those things with me, I'm not going to stop you," 

As soon as those words left you, you could swear you saw his eyes sparkling with excitement. Not a second later, he hugged you and attempted to kiss you like you taught him a few minutes ago.

Your breath hitched when you felt his hard on press against your abdomen when he hugged you. In his rush to hold you, he was so eager that he ended up pushing you against your bed by accident.

"Ah—Kabuki, I told you to be gentle," you tried to say between his excited kisses.

He mumbled an apology and went right back to press his lips against yours, his arms secured around your waist. You wrapped your own around his shoulders and allowed him to do as he pleased, arousal beginning to seep into your body with each experimental and curious touch he bestowed on you.

"You’re soft," he moaned in bliss, his tongue sliding on your bottom lip, mind gone. "Your lips, your body. I’m addicted,"

You underestimated how ardent his need for you was. You would’ve never guessed that a storm had been brewing inside of him since, god knows when.

You began undressing him from the outer layers of his clothes. Without pulling away from your mouth, he caught on to what you were doing and gave you a hand to speed up the process. Once those outer layers were gone, he moved on to your clothes, undoing first the much simpler sash around your torso.

The upper half of your yukata split open to your sides; the sight of your bare shoulders and chest made him stop dead in his tracks, pupils dilating.

"Is…it okay if I touch?"

You nodded and sat there, waiting for him.

You half anticipated his hands to start on your arms or collarbone; he went straight to your tits. Had you noticed where he was looking when he asked if it was alright for him to touch you, you would’ve known he was talking about your chest. Of course, you didn’t have any complaints. His hands were warm and careful at first.

He swallowed hard; his hands were trembling a bit as he began squeezing more. You felt comfortable with how he touched you, so you didn’t stop him. His thumbs brushed against your nipples, growing excited as he saw how they hardened under his caress.

"Ah!" you covered your mouth when he pinched your nipple a bit hard. It didn’t hurt, but it caught you off guard.

He opened his mouth to apologize, but you shook your head and placed your hands on top of his, indicating he could keep going.

After some more squeezing, he dipped his head closer to your chest. He stuck his tongue out, pressing it flat against your nipple before enveloping it with his mouth. He began suckling, remembering your reaction earlier to how rough he was without meaning to.

You closed your eyes and sighed in satisfaction. Your hand went to stroke his hair, and he hummed pleased. Amidst the delight, he didn’t notice himself beginning to suck harder, his other hand massaging the one left unattended. He pulled away a little bit, still not letting go of your nipple, and released it with an obscene sound. He went right back in, suckling with such enjoyment, his drool already rolling down your tit.

You tried to move; you wanted to please him too, but he wouldn’t allow you to. He kept hugging your body, holding you down on your mattress. He pulled his head away again, and a thin thread of his saliva clung to your now overstimulated nipple. He shifted to your other boob and repeated his actions on it.

"Kabuki."

He merely hummed to acknowledge he heard you; he moaned every now and then while he busied himself with your chest.

You had to push his head away; otherwise, he wouldn’t yield.

"Nnnoo! I wasn’t done yet," he whined, trying to latch on again.

"Kabuki, we still need to take care of this," you said, pressing your hand on his obvious erection.

"Nnngh!" he bit his lip and closed his eyes.

You both sat right up again, and he helped you lower his pants and discard them.

The tip was flushed red, and a generous amount of precum leaked from the slit. You pumped him a couple of times, and the pre would just keep coming out. He was unbelievably sensitive, even more so to your touch.

"Y—You don’t have to do that," he was embarrassed once he figured out what your next moves were.

"But I want to." you grasped him and licked the head. You gathered his precum with the tip of your tongue, sliding it on his slit. His body jolted with each minimum movement you made; he didn’t know where to place his hands.

"O-oh!" he gasped when you engulfed his dick, your nose almost touching his lower abdomen. When he felt his tip touch the back of your throat, he doubled over and almost came. It was too much stimulation for his oversensitive body, and it was no surprise if you took into consideration that this was his first time. "Wait!"

He pushed you away, his chest heaving.

"I…I was about to..." he fidgeted with his fingers. "Something was about to come out,"

"I don’t mind," you reassured him.

"But!" he stopped you. "I want to—uhm…put it in?"

You stared at him.

"Since when are you so bold?"

You knew that if he was about to cum just by having him inside of your mouth, the moment you sunk down his cock, he wouldn’t stand a minute without cumming.

"Please?" he hugged your arm and stared back at you with puppy eyes.

As eager as he was from the start, he laid down on the bed and brought you with him, your body on his.

Kabukimono followed your every move while you aligned his cock with your pussy, the head splitting your lower lips, and his breath hitched.

You noticed him fumbling with his hands, which you grasped and placed on your hips.

With eyes wide and bright, he glanced up at you once more, and you nodded.

He opened his mouth with a silent gasp as you sunk down on him, his dick splitting between your slicked walls. You could feel him twitch with every movement you made, and his chest began heaving hard again.

He couldn't hold his whimpers anymore.

"Stick your tongue out," you ordered him, and he followed obediently. Once he did, you leaned down to slip your tongue against his, and Kabukimono panted with each bounce of your body. He lost control of the volume of his voice.

"Ah—ah," he panted, more saliva dribbling from his mouth when you sped up your pace. Even though it was fast, he was enduring more than what you gave him credit for.

Without warning, he tucked his arms under yours and brought your torso down to his, tightly holding you there as he planted his feet on the bed and took the task of bringing you both to climax. The angle provided your clit with enough stimulation for you to edge closer to that sweet orgasm.

"Something's going...gonna..."

You rested your head against his shoulder and moved to meet his thrusts, ready for what was about to come. 

He almost squeezed the air out of your lungs with how hard he clung to you, pumping inside of you with each thick spurt of his cum. 

Exhausted, you both lay there in each other's embrace, catching your breath. At some point, Kabukimono nuzzled his face into your cheek, humming in delight.

"... I'm sorry if I was too rough. I don't know what came over me; I was unable to control myself," genuine worry showed in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I'm good, don't worry," you placed a soft kiss on the tip of his nose. "Let's go take a bath,"

He whined and shook his head, burying his face in your neck again. "I'm not ready to let go yet."

"Kabuki," you sighed. "We can bathe together, you can cling to me for the rest of the night, but let's go,"

After some silence, he hesitated before loosening his hold. 

"Oh, wait," he gripped your hand before you left the bed. "I... I love you," he confessed, although it was quite clear from the start that he did. 

Regardless, you matched the tender expression in his eyes and admitted your own sincere feelings to him as well.

[utilitycaster]

i think it's telling that so many of the responses to imogen's convos with liliana and laudna were 'this is kinda fucked up and i am fascinated by it and am enjoying it' and but the response to THAT was like 'STOP trying to make everything toxic, ugh fandom never should've learned therapy speak'. like. ignoring that's NOT what that is, people are pretty clearly interacting POSITIVELY with these moments but because what they're enjoying is the parts that are messy, that's somehow bad too???

YUP! There are definitely people who use therapy speak inappropriately, including about Imogen and Laudna, and honestly I pretty specifically avoided using the word "toxic" (or "codependent") about their most recent interaction, but like...there is nothing wrong with enjoying the relationship for being messy! A good deal of the people who are calling it toxic or messy are people who support it and enjoy it! A good deal of people who don't particularly like the relationship for being flat and bland and the conflict constantly fizzling out into nothing, myself included, perked up at yesterday's conversation! It was fascinating: Laudna went to comfort Imogen and told her she loved her, and Imogen's response was to say "oh, you love me? well then why did you go running off to Delilah the second we were apart? why did you lie to me a second time [Laudna did not lie to her the first time, which by now Imogen knows]?"

I don't actually think Imogen's opinions re: Delilah are inconsistent - I think she very specifically started becoming uncomfortable after encountering Delilah in the middle of the night in Whitestone (and I think Laura said as much on a 4SD too), and so her previous assertions about digging into their power sources are not hypocritical. However, yeah, I think we should talk about how both of the two big kisses between these characters are specifically Imogen trying to cut off an emotional speech from Laudna - I don't think it is intended as manipulation, but rather coming from a place of profound fear, but that's still something you need to deal with because this is now three pretty significant cases of kicking the can of conflict down the road and it's only snowballing. I think we should talk about how actually maybe it's valid that Imogen, who has had to make a lot of difficult decisions regarding her engagement with Predathos's power and could be risking losing her powers through her actions, is frustrated that Laudna hasn't done the same with Delilah, but neither of them are working it out. Imogen is letting an assassination of her mother go forward - and I agree with her choice - and Laudna hasn't done anything to extricate herself from Delilah in 30 years despite expressing interest early in the campaign. Imogen is about to lose her mother because her mother declared her reliance on a potentially evil power as an inevitability and wouldn't listen to her, and Laudna's now doing the exact same thing.

And on the other hand, again, Laudna hasn't lied to Imogen. Imogen cut off Laudna's angry, hurt, and extremely valid rant about being betrayed by Bor'Dor by asking to kiss her and so Laudna, trying to make Imogen happy, never worked out these feelings and they've just been building up. Laudna can't express her fears to Imogen because Imogen will demonstrably cut her off. If Imogen is disgusted by Delilah, and that's not going away, what does that mean? Like, is the love enough? I don't know? Could be, but not without actually having a means of resolving all of these extremely valid hurt feelings, and they don't have that. And maybe some of us would like to have some resolution, and are getting real tired of the particularly dim children going "uwu let me have my cottagecore stardew valley dream you all are such MEANIES let people like things" which. Again, if the fact that other people want different things from this relationship is genuinely preventing you from liking things, that's entirely your problem, because I like all kinds of things other people dislike. If you cannot stomach any dissent from your personal interpretation and perceive it as an attack, that says a lot of things about you and none of them bode well.

There is a deeply frustrating tendency that is not limited to this fandom, nor to discussion of Imogen and Laudna, to deny that traumatized characters can hurt other people. You see it with some of the dumber discussions of Ludinus that presume he is specifically a survivor of Aeor (valid as a theory, but unconfirmed); his (hypothetical) trauma does not negate how many other people's lives he's ruined. Percy is deeply traumatized but he did still introduce the gun to the world. Fjord is traumatized but had he willingly completed Uk'otoa's unsealing that would have caused untold damage. Astrid is traumatized but she's still done terrible things as a Volstrucker. FCG and Yasha are both traumatized and both were not even in control of their actions when they caused their worst harm, and they both feel terrible about what they've done. I mean, touching on this episode, it is not actually a contradiction to say both "Liliana is traumatized and has been indoctrinated by a cult and is a victim of said cult and genuinely believes she is doing this for Imogen's benefit" and also "Liliana is a fucking shitty mom." These are both true. This is what cycles of abuse and generational trauma look like. This is what that "blorbo-centered morality" is; suddenly when it's your favorite character they can do no wrong and every explanation becomes, instead, an excuse.

I've been talking a lot about the harassment in this fandom and it really is like...look, I don't know if this harassment is coming, from some of those partaking in it, from a personal trauma. I do not want to ascribe shitty behavior to mental illness, because some people are just assholes. But if it is - it doesn't make it okay! If you are lashing out and sending hate because you project a lot of your own trauma onto Imogen or your own relationships to that of Imogen and Laudna and you perceive every bit of criticism as an attack on you, guess what! You're being a fucking asshole by trying to hurt other people and it does not ultimately matter that it might come from a place of your own hurt and you need to stop.

I've been going off about this and related topics all morning and so I do want to step back and say that I believe this is a relatively small group of people with an outsized toxic impact. I do think that many people are enjoying the relationship for its complexity and unhealthy, messy aspects, that most people would love to read more Imogen meta that covers her as a whole, complex person and not as a tee hee just a silly guy girlfailure. But yeah, I think everyone is getting increasingly done with the group of people who throw a tantrum and retreat into the most idiotic See Spot Run-levels of conflict fantasies whenever there's actual grit and friction and mess in the relationship.

[tomurasmoleunderhislip]

~ Visit in the hospital ~

Theme: Shigaraki visits you in the

hospital after you got injured on

one of your recent missions

on your own birthday.

= Genre: fluff, angst, suggestive =

Tw: cussing, some grammar

mistakes, slightly suggestive

in the end

and it's self inserted

But anyone who wants to can read it

~This is a short fic/wholeass scenario~

Reader is gender neutral,

I'm using you/yours as always

•=> Tomura, •=>you

=....That's all....=

~ ℰ 𝓃 𝒿 ℴ 𝓎 ~

You were laying on the hospital bed, all alone in the white room, the only thing that was heard was your breathing and heart's pulse. While you tried to fall asleep again, right when you were about to close your eyes, the door of the hospital room opened.

It was Tomura...

"Hey, better now?" He whispered to you. "You got fucked up pretty bad, if I wasn't there, you would be dead right now" Shigaraki spoke calmly, closing door after himself slowly, while walking over to your hospital bed as he set down one bag on the floor.

"I came to visit" He said with a little smirk on his face, while staring at you with his crimson bright red eyes. He looked annoyed and worried at same time, actually you couldn't even understand what that emotion and expression of his was. He's just a complicated person, not very good with expressing emotions.

"Yeah, they really did. At least I still kept my identity hidden from them. They still didn't find out who I am."

You replied to him finally, opening your eyes completely and looked at him tiredly, returning him smirk slowly. Your voice was a bit raspy and dry since you just woke up earlier.

Shigaraki gave a small chuckle as he got down to the bed side and shook his head a bit while sighing.

"So...how are you feeling?" He asked in plain and blank tone, it sounded a bit cold and harsh, but that's just how he is usually. He crossed his arms over his chest and sounded a bit curious too even though his tone was harsh and cold.

"Like shit"

You replied without hesitation while staring at ceiling blankly.

"Ah, don't be so down." Shigaraki spoke in sarcastic tone, but at the same time he ment it, he tried to comfort you, even though it didn't work, at least he tried, right? He looked down at you, than took a step closer to the bed, he was still staring down at you while those crimson eyes seemed to pierce your soul. "We made it, you know?" He said calmly, as if that was supposed to just erase the fact that you got really hurt.

"Yeah at least something I guess-..."

You started to speak, then you tried to move a bit in hospital bed and change position you were laying in, but you got cut off by quiet pained noise you made, after moving or at least trying to move. You froze for a while than slowly leaned back.

Shigaraki raised his 'eyebrows' as he looked down at you, his eyes still piercing you, he was looking at you as if he was trying to analyze you or something.

When you made that pained noise it seemed like it snapped him out of the daze of him staring at you, that cold smirk forming at you slightly. "Hey now, don't move." He said as if he was scolding you.

"Yeah...I forgot how much it hurts actually" you said and coughed once then laughed a bit shortly from slight embarrassment while you avoided eye contact with Tomura.

Shigaraki seemed a little too amused at your pain, that harsh gaze still fixated on you as he continued to watch you silently. He raised his 'eyebrows' again when you laughed a bit. "You alright?" He asked curiously, but he sounded a little intrigued by the fact that you laughed while being injured, it was just funny to him somehow. He was glad that you were laughing at least, better than crying and screaming from pain that's for sure.

"Somewhat" You shrugged and sighed while staring at wall for a while, than looked up at him finally. Your replies were a bit dry and short since you were injured, so no wonder.

"Only somewhat?" Shigaraki sounded a bit mocking as he asked that, his voice still had that little amused tone as well as that cold smirk on his chapped lips.

His gaze kept shifting from your face to that bag he brought, it was on the floor by the door. His hands were shoved in his jacket's pockets, that same harsh gaze was still on you.

He looked like he wanted to do something, but he still looked like he was restraining himself.

"That bastard threw my ass into the building and burnt me literally."

You said slowly in plain and slightly irritated tone while looking into his eyes with your heavy eyelids.

Shigaraki scoffed, that amused look shifting to an annoyed one for a second. "You're still alive, are you not?" He asked in the same mocking tone as before.

His gaze shifted back to looking at the bag by the door, his hands still tucked in his pockets, he seemed to be waiting for something as he stood still, looking at you.

"Yeah, alive and barely moving"

"Still moving." Shigaraki's voice was almost mocking, but there was a serious tone in it as well. "Better thank your lucky stars you even woke back up."

You just rolled your eyes to the sky in response while sighing. You still laughed a bit and nodded while smirking at him lazily , he had a point.

Something changed about him as he continued to talk, Shigaraki was no longer looking down at you, but instead at the bag on the floor beside the door. His hands slowly pulled out of his pockets, his eyes seemed even more focused on you now.

"Anyway, I got you a little something." Shigaraki sounded a little too amused again as he started to rummage around inside the bag on the floor.

"Ah yeah, forgot to ask you. What's that bag you brought with yourself?"

You asked curiously, but you were still too exhausted to be excited at all or react, all you could do is lay down and stay still, just stare. You were kinda surprised, you didn't expect him to bring anything with himself for you.

Shigaraki paused while looking inside the bag, he finally found the thing he was searching for in there, he pulled out a small and thin wrapped black box, placing it on the hospital bed on top of you. "Here."

Shigaraki's cold smirk grew in size while he looked at it, his eyes still on you. "Go on, open it."

"Um alright...?" You looked at him for a while than looked down at box as you slowly took it in your both hands... feeling a bit suspicious of it and nervous since Tomura doesn't give gifts or shows much affection or whatever, so this is weird and new.

He looked almost annoyed. "I gotta go do something now, when I come back I want to see the box opened" he said in more calming tone, but it still sounded cold and harsh a bit.

"I'll be back, don't move a lot while I'm gone now, alright?" Tomura said quietly and opened the door of the hospital room you were recovering in, leaving you alone, before you could ask him anything he shut the door closed behind himself immediately.

You were still nervous and kinda scared shitless secretly of what will be inside, you trust him of course, but you were still worried a bit and kinda curious and excited, since he never gifted you something before.

You were a bit confused by the sudden change of his behaviour as well, but too exhausted to think much about it so you brushed it off. He's a leader after all, always having to do something or go somewhere, so no wonder.

When you had looked inside the box, you saw two small framed photographs. Two pictures of Shigaraki and you when you worked together back in the league as allies, before all that paranormal liberation front thing.

...

Your expression relaxed and softened when you saw the pictures and carefully took both of them in your hands, looking at the picture of you two and inside of the box at the same time to check if there's anything else in there.

There was something else in the box along with the picture, something like a piece of paper folded...a note?

You took the piece of paper from the box, it seemed like something was written on it, a longish note... You started reading paper to see what was written on it.

The writing on the piece of paper was slightly messy, but clean at same time somehow, you could understand what's written there it looked a bit like he wrote it with haste.

The message written on the paper was as follows:

It was a small and simple little gift, but it warmed your heart still. You find it adorable how such... dangerous and powerful person is too shy to say all this in your face.

You are definitely keeping this, it's rare to see this side of him, specially him showing affection in his own way.

Staring at the note for a while and two pictures of you two in your hands...you slowly put the stuff back in box carefully and closed it, than put the box near the hospital bed on one of the nightstands.

Your eyelids were getting heavier and heavier while you waited for his return and continued staring at ceiling and wall in boredom, not being able to move at all. As the time passed and passed by you closed your eyes and sighed quietly, beginning to doze off finally...

Thoughts about him and his gift continued running through your mind while you were falling into deep peaceful sleep slowly.

....

After between 30-45 minutes he returned finally, seems like he got what he needed but anxiety kept him from entering your hospital room immediately. He was walking through hallways of the hospital in slight panic and awkwardness.

You were still asleep, so you didn't hear it when he opened the door and entered the room. He calmed down instantly when he saw you asleep, but that didn't stop him from feeling bad for leaving you for so long randomly at the same time.

Tomura slowly walked up to you and kneeled down while watching your sleeping face, you had some of your hair covering it which made him smile.

He brought some of your favourite snacks and a drink, and slowly put it in the nightstand near your head.

When he was done with that he got closer to you and carefully wrapped his right hand around your left hand, sliding his long and slim scarred fingers between your own as ge gave your hand gentle squeeze.

"you must have been a lot exhausted to fall asleep this quickly, hm?" He whispered and laughed quietly a bit as he started to caress your face while you were being asleep. Tomura was talking to you as if you were awake.

"I can't blame you.."

He continued whispering while caressing your face with his left hand and holding your hand with his other still.

After a while of standing like that, he leaned a bit closer, careful to not wake you up accidentally as he leaned his head gently on the side of your neck and put his arms around your waist.

...There was a long pause....

"I gotta be honest, you scared me to death, I thought you wouldn't make it.

I don't know what would I do without you if you didn't make it out alive"

Tomura's voice became slightly shaky while he was thinking about this, but he was still relieved knowing that you are alright now.

He started to caress your waist slowly and gently while whispering ramblings into your ear and neck, his breath and his rough voice tickling your ear each time he spoke and exhaled.

"You are one of the most important people in my life after all...even though I don't deserve you. I don't deserve your loyalty, care, kindness, your help and everything you are doing for me." Shigaraki remained silent now, that cold and harsh side of him completely gone at this point as his eyes were getting a bit watery, but he still didn't let himself cry, he felt weak when crying, he didn't want that, he couldn't let that happen.

"I don't know how to show you how grateful and glad I am for everything you've done for me..." He continued whispering with more emotion in his voice, those words sounded genuine.

"I don't want to lose you, ever..." Shigaraki then squeezed your hand a bit more tightly, but not so tightly to hurt you now of course, you could feel how emotional he was right now you could see that he was struggling a bit to contain these emotions. You were slowly waking up, but you didn't opened your eyes or moved or said anything...you pretended to be asleep.

Shigaraki was trembling slightly at that moment as he was being completely honest with you even though it was hard for him to be.

The coldness of his gaze seemed to be gone and he actually seemed very emotionally vulnerable right now.

"I don't want to be alone again..." His voice sounded like it was gonna crack a bit when he spoke, like he was trying not to break down in front of you, but he still kept his whispers as quiet as possible. "I just want you by my side, till death do us apart. I know that sounds selfish, but it's true...I just want you and you. I never met someone like you."

"You have to promise me that you'll stay with me until the end, okay? Promise me that...even if it's a lie" Shigaraki asked quietly while still having his arms wrapped around you tightly, thinking you are still asleep.

"I already lost so many people that were important to me, but no more, I can't lose you... loosing you would be the end for me"

He sounded desperate and in pain at that moment, he really didn't want to lose you like he did others. This is where he finally broke down, after holding it all back whole time, his cries were silent, but you could still hear his quiet gasps for air and sobbing, you could feel his hands shaking while he kept his arms wrapped around you. The more he tried to hold back tears, the more tears were rolling down his face, falling on your neck.

"I know I should be the cold and harsh person that everyone is scared of, but you make me think otherwise..." Shigaraki said quietly while crying into your neck. "I'm sorry if I'm being too emotional..."

He was speechless for a few seconds again, you could feel him trembling still, and you could hear him try to speak and stay as quiet as possible, but struggling a bit.

It was too hard for him to express his feelings for you right now as he never experienced what this felt like.

"I feel like you'll get tired of me eventually...sooner or later" He whispered softly, his voice breaking a bit while whispering "just like everyone else."

Shigaraki was probably thinking that you would eventually abandon him, just like everyone else in his life did.

"But I don't want to think about that, I want to believe that you'll stay, even though it sounds too good to be true" He continued.

The cold man you used to know didn't seem to exist at this point as he was completely breaking down in front of you, crying into your neck. "I don't want to lose you...I know I said that already...but I really don't want to loose you, I want to have at least you" He whispered quietly to himself, like he wasn't sure if he really wanted you to hear these words, but he continued to whisper you his ramblings and his thoughts anyway

"... you're the only person who has ever treated me like a human instead of a monster." He whispering quietly, letting out a small exhale as he spoke, still trying to keep his harshness away from his voice.

Shigaraki sounded extremely thankful to you at this moment, as if no one else has ever treated him the way you were.

"You have every reason to hate me and leave me, but you fucking stayed, you treat me like a human being anyway after everything I've done."

He spoke in shaky voice as he laughed a bit while breaking down silently, he found you insane for being this way, but he wasn't complaining. It was very unusual seeing him in this state, you never saw him so...emotional before.

"You are insane...but I love you anyway" He whispered into your ear as he was burying his face in your hair and neck while crying still, his grip on your hand tightening desperately.

You were shocked seeing him like this, even more shocked when he said these three simple words that you never in your life expected him to say, but you still pretended to be asleep, since this is the only way he'll open up to you.

It was hard, because you were holding back tears as well and felt like you were choking and drowning in your own tears that you were holding back.

You felt bad for him, you wanted to comfort him and give him hug that he needs. All you could do is stay still for a while and make him think that you are asleep, you were waiting for him to let it all out first, then you'll finally do something. For now, you just continued listening to him.

"I really do love you" he continued whispering to you while burying his face in your neck while sobbing quietly. "Look what you did to me..."

Tomura started caressing and rubbing your hand with his own, continuing to speak quietly in shaky voice with sad small grin on his face that was wet from all the tears.

"You make me feel stuff I never felt before. I'm not sure do I like that or hate that." He laughed a bit and brushed away tears from his face with his hand as he got up slowly from the floor which he was kneeling on next to you.

He looked down at you for a while than carefully sat down next to you on hospital bed you were laying on and he took your one hand in his both hands.

Tomura gently moved your hand up towards his face, and placed one small kiss on your hand while holding it. He than moved your hand down and placed it on his lap as he started to caress it slowly. After minutes of silence he spoke up again quietly.

"instead of leaving you alone and letting you rest, I'm here bothering you with my thoughts and worries. Damn how pathetic I am, hm?" He said with wide disappointed grin as one more tear rolled down his face slowly while he started to laugh silently at himself. He really felt pathetic and disappointed in himself.

"hope you don't mind.." He whispered again softly and leaned closer carefully while holding your hand in his own.

Tomura started to caress your wrist and your shoulder as he moved his other hand towards your face, cupping your one cheek gently with it while looking down at you.

"But...thank you, for existing" he sighed quietly and started placing few soft kisses on your forehead while cupping your cheek and holding your arm.

After a while of standing like that he leaned back and moved away a bit as he started to shake his head a little while laughing quietly at you.

"My idiot, I can't believe you got injured on your own birthday. I bet you didn't even realize what day it was"

He sighed and shook his head a bit while grinning, than continued speaking

"Alright then, I'll leave you alone now, better get that rest." He spoke softly while looking down at your hand as he rubbed your shoulder slowly. There was another moment of silence, but after not so long he spoke up again.

"Take care, do it for me at least if you don't want to do it for yourself, okay?"

Tomura looked around hospital room in a bit paranoid manner, afraid of someone getting inside and seeing him like this, he leaned closer once again when he made sure it's alright and gave you small quick kiss on the lips, pulling away immediately.

Your heart was going crazy from whole situation but you had to pretend being asleep still, waiting for right timing to do something. You almost opened your eyes wide when you felt his lips on your own.

"I know you probably don't hear me, since you are asleep but... I'll continue anyway" he let out tired sigh and continued whispering to you. Tomura looked in other direction for a while as he sat still next to you, than after not so long he looked back down at you again and smiled sadly. He wanted and at the same time didn't wanted you to know or hear everything he just said now.

"...happy birthday" he said in warm and gentle tone as he kissed you once again on the lips carefully while squeezing your hand. He started off with sweet tone but than he switched up to more harsh and serious one. "And be more careful on your next missions, you fucking idiot" he continued to look down at you with small smug smirk growing on his face slowly as he let out a quiet laugh and shook you gently in playful manner with his one hand.

Tomura than slowly got off bed and stood up, turning around to look at you once again before he says goodbye and leaves, at least that's what he thought will happen....

"I guess I'll go now, I'll visit you again probably"

He whispered and was about to start walking away from you and hospital bed you were laying on but he felt something grab his wrist suddenly. Your action made the man jump, clearly he thought you were still asleep. You were face to face and he couldn't hide the fact that he has been crying. His pale face was covered with dried up tears and his white strands of hair.

His eyes widened and he quickly turned around to see you pulling him towards yourself..

"Don't go, yet.." you whispered while you sat him back down on the bed next to you carefully, moving your both legs on the other side of bed to give him a bit more space. He was flabbergasted and shocked, but sat down next to you again anyway while looking down and avoiding eye contact for a while, than looked up to you in the eyes finally.

"wait...you are awake?.." he asked you in loud whisper.

"Yes... I heard everything. Well...not exactly everything but most of the stuff, I think"

"What did you hear exactly?..."

"it doesn't matter, I've heard what I've heard Tomura.." You pulled him even more closer and your foreheads met. His crimson eyes pierced your soul, but now they were less aggressive. He looked fragile, vulnerable. He was still slightly shocked and a bit mad, but his expression slowly softens. Your heart was beating way faster than usual. As your words came out of your mouth, his eyes locked with yours, the way he looked at you was terrifying yet comforting all at the same time. He seemed shocked, as if he couldn't believe that you heard most of stuff he said. He slowly starts lowering his guard the more you two look into each other's eyes. The man then notices your forehead is touching his, the closeness between him and you make his body heat up.

"It doesn't matter..."

"You don't want to be alone ever again, right?"

"Right..."

"I won't leave you."

"You won't?"

"I won't."

"Why?"

Silence filled the room. You had just promised him that you will stay by his side no matter what, while he seemed to be in shock. "Why?" He asks you again, a little confused as to why anyone would ever want to stay close to a person like him. After a while, you look into his eyes and gave him a weak smile.

"Why not?"

"But I'm..."

"You're what?"

"I'm..."

"Just say it damn it."

"I'm a monster."

Silence once again filled the room. This time you were the one to be quiet, not knowing what to say to that. It was a fact, after all. He was responsible for the deaths of thousands and yet, he was afraid of being alone. You could tell he wanted more than anything in the world to have someone besides him, even though his own actions caused most people to stay away from him.

"Look, I understand why would people view you as monster and why would you call yourself one"

You started talking again slowly and quietly, looking for right words to say.

"I understand why would they be afraid of you, why would they avoid you, scream when seeing you and run away, but...have they seen your good side? Your...caring and loving sides? The sides you only show around the ones you love and care about? Have they...?"

"No..they didn't" Tomura replied after short moment of silence.

"Even if they did, is that enough to outweigh the horrible things I've done?No... I guess it's not. The lives I've taken, people won't forget or forgive me for those. So, why would you want to be by my side?"

His words hurt. He was right, it wasn't fair for you to forgive him when all he brought was death. But you can't help but feel a bit touched, just to see him care enough to show his vulnerable side.

"you are right about that... I'll give you it"

"Exactly."

"But I'm not talking about outweighing horrible things you've done now. I'm talking about the fact that, you aren't a complete monster, you are still human, you still have emotions and feelings."

There was a long pause between you two after you said this, he seemed to be thinking about your words for a while as he was looking down at your hands that he was holding. After not so long, he replied finally in his usual cold and harsh tone.

"I have a lot of blood on my hands."

He lets go of your hand, slowly sitting up next to your legs looking around as if he's about to leave me once again.

"Look, don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you can see some good in me, but you shouldn't be associating yourself with me."

He pauses for a moment, looking back at you.

"Maybe you are right... I'm not a complete monster."

"But I'm still a monster."

...

"you are my monster."

You whispered softly and took his hand back in your own, pulling him gently and slowly back to yourself so that he can lean on you.

His head turned towards you, his red eyes filled with surprise.

"...I'm your monster?"

He looked down, staring at your hand that now held his once again. He seemed surprised, maybe even taken aback by your words. He looked at me once more, and to my surprise he turned bright pink.

"I'm yours?"

"My monster..."

You repeated and squeezed his hand gently as you brought it slowly closer to your face, placing soft and small kiss on his scarred hand. "Mine..."

His reaction to this was almost funny. If it weren't for the fact that a dangerous villain like him was so easily flustered, you would have laughed at him. He was now a bright, bright pink, clearly embarrassed that someone would willingly want to be with him of all people.

Your heart skipped a beat as you felt his hand squeezing yours back. His warm touch made your heart go insane, and yet, you wanted more. You want to stay close to him, you want you two to be eachothers forever. After all the things he's done, he deserves to be loved too after all. He still stayed frozen for a moment, his face showing every possible type of emotion. After the initial shock, his gaze turned to you, his eyes sparkling like never before. He was completely red in his face.

"I'm yours...?"

He was at a loss of words, he couldn't really process everything that just happened. It seems that for the first time in his life, someone claimed him as their 'monster'. He just didn't know what to do, I guess your love just caught him off guard.

His voice was soft, it sounded like he couldn't find his normal tone ever since you kissed his hand. His eyes were still shining, he just couldn't bring himself to look away from you. After a while he moved his hand to brush some hair from your face, his face slowly changing back to normal. You slowly pulled him more closer, making him lay closely to you. You two lay there for a moment. Your bodies were touching but your hearts were completely in sync. His breath was heavy like he had been running around but his skin felt warm to the touch. You caressed his hair, feeling his soft hair on your fingertips.

Silence started to fill up the room as the two of you stared into one anothers eyes. After this short moment of awkward silence, Tomura speaks

"...If I may ask, can you promise me something?"

Your eyes remain locked to one another. You can't believe that the time has finally come when Tomura actually opens up to you. His voice is soft and his expression is filled with uncertainty. You slowly nod your head and whisper:

"Yes, of course anything..."

He looks away from you for a few seconds before he looks back at you with a faint smirk on his face.

He says, his voice filled with determination and a desire for reassurance.

"I want you to stay with me forever"

Your heart fluttered when you hear his words. Tomura is asking you not as the leader of the liberation-army or as the head of the league of villains, but as a friend and as a lover. You have never been so sure about anything in your life. Your mind is filled with all the memories you two had together.

You took a deep breath, trying your best to hide your overwhelming emotions.

"Don't be afraid, I won't leave you. I'll stay by your side till the end of time. Even if every day ends with us fighting, I'll still be by your side, always."

Your voice was soft and low, making it hard to hear your words. But both of you heard the message loud and clear.

You felt his body relax as he buried himself onto you for a hug. Your shirt got a bit wet from the tears on his cheeks while he was still in that state of shock. You could feel his heart beating fast, it was fast like the first time you met him. His hands were shaking, like he was about to cry again. You hugged him tightly, holding him close and let him rest his head on your chest, wrapping your arms around him to give him comfort, you let him vent the way you did to him, it was only fair he was allowed to.

He held onto you, not letting go for what felt like an eternity. It felt like both of you two were drowning with each other and no one could pull both of you out of it. A moment later, his lips met yours. Your eyes were closed tightly, it felt as if time stopped for us there and now. You were in your own bubble, your own small universe where nothing else mattered.

Nothing else mattered. No other person, place or thing mattered as long as you and him are there, as long as you and him are together. "Don't worry." You whispered into his ear, hugging him even stronger and caressing his hair. "I won't leave you." You whispered again after you two pulled away slightly from eachothers faces.

His eyes lit up with a warm glow, he slowly leans towards your face again as his head is just a few inches away from yours. He looks at you with his eyes filled completely with love, as he presses his forehead against your forehead and takes a few deep breaths.

You could feel his hands grabbing yours as he tightly holds your arms so he can get closer to you, your heart is pounding like crazy now, and then all of a sudden..he kisses you again.

Your eyes widened in shock as your cheeks turned completely red. You feel his lips, and his hot breath, and his touch. His hands are grasping your body as he slowly pushes you against the bed, so that you are flat on your back as he climbs on top of you. Just the thought of Tomura being on top of you is enough for you to turn completely red in seconds.

As soon as the kiss finishes you whisper in blank and soft voice "I love you...more than you can imagine"

Tomura pulls away for a second after hearing your words. When he looks in your eyes his heart skips a beat. For a moment it seems as if he can't believe what I just said. The silence filled with nothing but you and him staring at each other is the greatest feeling you have ever experienced.

He slowly leans towards you again, holding your face with both of his hands. He kisses you again, for a longer and more passionate time, it seems that his emotions have been building up inside of him for a while now, maybe even longer.

Your kiss ends as he separates from you again, this time leaving a small trail of saliva between your faces. Your face is completely red, you feel hot and sweaty. He leans his head on your shoulder than, and pulls you closer to himself.

Tomura wraps his arms around you and says in a soft quiet tone, as he is still breathing heavily after the kiss.

"I love you, too." as he's saying those words a few tears fall on your shoulder. He kisses your forehead a few times, and then gives you a few light kisses on the edges of your mouth too.

"also ..happy birthday" he whispered as a little smirk grew on his face, he stayed like this on top of you for few more seconds, than got up slowly and grabbed bag that's filled with snacks and drinks he brought. "I bought these for you, mind sharing this with me?" he said playfully, than hands you the food and drink he brought with himself, as if nothing had happened between you two.

I should've finished this shit more than two months ago, but my ass took break so...💀 BUT I DID NOW SO IT'S NOT IMPORTANT 😹😹😹

I apologize to mutuals that I worried or scared to death with my sudden disappearance, I'm alive y'all 👍

I was writing this on vacation with @wholelottawidows by my side, she was calling me poochie at least 100 times and tried hitting me with blanket, or even bury me with it.... justice for @tomurasmoleunderhislip ✊😞 I went through five wars at least

@minnieplier-blog @shiggyniggy @slayersins @smuttysammie22 @lovesickvamp @nooooonaame @eccentriceli @used-bones @carlgr1mesrighteye @skibibadadobop

[avikats66]

Y’all let’s talk about Stolitz. And by talk I mean I’m going to throw this long and extensive analysis at you. Warning for discussion of miscommunication and dubious consent + self esteem issues and self sabotage (pretty canon stuff) ahead:

Stolas didn't initially realize Blitz’s original intentions when they ended up having sex for that first time. It would have only been after Blitz left and he discovered the grimoire gone that he would have realized Blitz only had sex with him in order to take his grimoire. Except that's not quite entirely true. While Blitz definitely seduced Stolas in order to nab the grimoire, he clearly had the opportunity to dupe Stolas and leave him there after he grabbed it. Instead he decided to actually have the sex which Stolas at the time would have thought he was there for in the first place.

This certainly doesn't mean that Blitz had actually been secretly wanting/planning to have sex with Stolas the whole time - it was obviously an extremely unexpected development for him - but that he did choose to do so without Stolas trying to force or extort him in any way. His exact reasons are not explicitly given but can be inferred with reasonable certainty/likelihood. Here's the scenario: we have Blitz about to make off with the grimoire with Stolas (at least seemingly) none the wiser, when Stolas goes and tells him how happy he is that he's doing this and how much it means to him, at this point still believing Blitz had come for the purpose of initiating a sexual/romantic encounter and being ignorant of his actual intentions having been just to steal the grimoire.

Going off of Blitz’s expression we can see he feels bad here. Like wow, this guy genuinely thinks I came here to make moves on him and he is so happy about that, and here I am in actuality just stealing from him. Since I am doing him wrong by stealing from him, I can do him some right by having the great sex that he thinks is happening right now with him. And remember that at this point Stolas himself isn't leveraging this reasoning over Blitz or using it to bargain with him - he has absolutely no idea what's actually going on, after all. The decision Blitz makes to have sex with Stolas at this time is made entirely by himself without any decision-making on Stolas’s part.

So Blitz is feeling a moral obligation (again, coming from his own conscious and not from Stolas trying to influence or guilt trip him) to have sex with Stolas, and also probably an psychological drive to on the basis of emotions like pity and/or empathy. Like this guy is clearly incredibly lonely and horny and will be devastated if Blitz doesn’t have sex with him as he thinks was his intention the whole time. That knowledge and the emotions that knowledge is is apt to provoke can create the desire to do the deed, even if not for the reasons of pre-established mutual attraction and planned activity which is what’s typically behind most instances of consensual sex.

It’s a very natural/human (technically Blitz is a demon but my point still stands given how demons are portrayed to be just like humans when it comes to emotions/intelligence and the capacity to be good and bad and choose to follow their own individual morals) trait to want to do things not because they directly benefit or please us, but because they will those things for others and that makes us feel good - especially if the said thing we do isn’t explicitly negative or unpleasant for us either, as is the situation here. While Blitz certainly didn’t have any personal plans or desires to have sex with Stolas that night, it didn’t seem like something he was actively opposed to or forcing himself to do either. And sex doesn’t necessarily need to have deep and intimate preexisting emotional connection present to be a positive, consensual, and moral experience either.

Of course, there’s also the other underlying factor regarding Blitz’s decision to have sex with Stolas that night, which is that he felt it might be advantageous or even necessary in order to maintain continued access to the grimoire. Again, at this point it would still have been entirely up to Blitz to decide, but it’s a very important factor to consider, especially moving forward as the relationship between the two continues into what we see in the show.

Sometime after that first night, Stolas becomes aware that Blitz has taken his grimoire. Heck, it’s even possible he figured this out during that first night and chose to let Blitz take it. Whatever the case, we don’t know the exact specifics of what went down, just that in the pilot and first episode we see Stolas talking to Blitz about how he’s not actually not supposed to have the grimoire and that he would like to set up an arrangement where he continues to let Blitz keep/use the grimoire and in return Blitz occasionally has amazing sex with him like he did that night.

This is where the consent starts to get (more) muddy and dubious due to the lack of clear communication and resulting misunderstandings. Going over it from the outside, you’d think at this point Stolas would have come to the conclusion that Blitz didn't have any intention of starting a relationship and was just using him with no genuine feelings for him involved, and thus him leveraging the grimoire over Blitz to continue their relationship is just pure extortion. But I don’t that he did, or that it is.

Rather, while Stolas definitely knows that on some levels, the sex Blitz had with him was a practical/transactional action taken to secure use of the grimoire, I think that he also truly believes that there is genuine mutual attraction and affection and want to continue the relationship present between them, and that Blitz knows/believes this as well. I mean, he certainly didn’t force or even plead with Blitz to have sex with him that first time; that was all Blitz’s choice and apparently he made it really good. I’m doubting that at any point that night, Blitz stopped to sit down and say “hey, you know I’m only doing this so I can steal/use your grimoire and I don’t actually feel any attraction towards you or want to start a relationship,” though.

So it’s really not unreasonable that Stolas believes there is something more between him and Blitz, and thus that he’s not blackmailing Blitz to have sex with him using the grimoire, rather that he is more so just negotiating a fair trade between equals. He’s aware of the power imbalance between them in terms of status and the grimoire in theory, but based on his behaviour in canon I don’t think he realizes (or at least not until later during the show as evidenced by him planning to give the crystal) just how impactful that imbalance really is, or that Blitz might actually feel pressured by it in any real way.

At the same time, Blitz is assuming that Stolas is just using him for sex via the leverage of the grimoire and his much higher levels of societal status/power, and that none of the affection or care he shows Blitz is genuine because Stolas understands that Blitz is only using him for the grimoire in return. That last part actually is true on at least some level: Blitz is definitely using his relationship with Stolas to access the grimoire, but I think he’s lying to himself and letting his perception be warped by his trauma and self esteem issues when he claims that there’s nothing more to it.

While he’s shown at times to be exasperated or not really into/put off by Stolas’s horniness (sometimes more so just for comedic effect), we do see him express genuine enjoyment with and care for Stolas throughout the show. It’s not like we’re talking Achilles/Patroclus levels here, but, there is something there on Blitz’s side too. I think the reason Blitz seems unable to properly wrap his head around the fact that Stolas actually genuinely cares for and likes him and that he could actually allow himself to reciprocate those feelings and actions is not just the whole miscommunication thing they’ve got going on as detailed above, but also that Blitz has deep-rooted issues with intimacy and self-esteem.

Blitz has such a low and troubled sense of self worth that he cant seem to fully accept or believe that Stolas would actually care for or like him in any meaningful way for real - especially when combined with the whole grimoire misunderstanding going on and the guilt he likely feels over it in at least some aspects, which is largely why he first had sex with Stolas in the first place. He also definitely seems the type to sabotage his own relationships - likely both on a conscious and unconscious level - due to these feelings of self hate and low worth (I personally believe he did that with Verosika and it was one of the biggest reasons for their breakup and current animosity towards each other) which I have inferred him to have based on canon such as the hallucination he has in Truthseekers).

So Blitz thinks that Stolas thinks that they both know their relationship is just a transaction, a transaction where Stolas definitely has more power, and thus Stolas doesn’t actually care for Blitz or what he wants. That Stolas might sell him out or punish him if he started backing down from their relationship or going too much against or refusing whatever sexual desires Stolas expresses by reporting him to officials or refusing use of the grimoire. And Stolas doesn’t realize that Blitzø thinks this, being himself under the impression that Blitz knows that Stolas does actually care for him and doesn’t want/mean to extort or force him into things he truly doesn’t want with him.

I just want to go over something here now: It’s normal for partners to sometimes do certain things with sex that one party doesn’t particularly enjoy for themselves but chooses to do because they don’t find it overly or particularly unpleasant or unbearable so they want to do it or don’t mind doing it in order to please and give enjoyment to their partner (which in itself can give enjoyment back as I’ve mentioned earlier). As long as there’s clear communication and the ability to set boundaries this is completely normal and fine.

The thing is, we’ve just gone over exactly why there’s a lot of misunderstandings, assumptions, and lack of clear communication going on between Blitz and Stolas. Blitz might possibly be feeling obligated or pressured into having sex with Stolas whenever and however asked due to the grimoire and his knowledge that Stolas could potentially deny him access to it and force him to choose between having sex with him how and when he likes or not having the grimoire (just because someone is okay with/has enjoyed sex with someone in the past does not mean that it’s okay if they are pressured/coerced or forced into having more sex with that same person again when they do not want to) whereas Stolas mistakenly assumes that Blitz knows he wouldn’t try to force or coerce him into sex that he wasn’t ultimately okay with having by using the grimoire as leverage - or any other method - because he doesn’t understand Blitz’s issues with believing/accepting Stolas’s care/affection or fully understand the reality of their power imbalance for himself.

It’s not until Ozzie’s that Stolas really gets that slap-in-the-face wake-up call, but based off the music video and the act of giving Blitz the crystal we can see how genuine and serious he is about this - plus how much he truly loves and cares for Blitz. I could definitely go on about that too, but I think that’s another post!

[anonzentimes]

Hi Zen! This might be another difficult question for you to answer, but I'd like to ask: Which official artwork of Nagito do you like the most?

Even in the official art, he looks different sometimes, doesn't he? I am still confused as to what color his eyes are. (In a lot of fanfic they are described as gray, but in some art they are clearly blue).

I would like to know which of the official artwork, whether in games, anime or manga, is your favorite.

Whoa!! that Is a difficult question! I'll try to answer it though haha!

I have a lot of them I like but choosing one is pretty difficult... so I'll just start this answer off with a discussion on the inconsistencies statement! I believe Nagito's eyes are definitely gray, at some points it maybe hard to tell but they're definitely gray! There are a few anime moments where his eyes feel green, some promotional material straight up changes it to green, and a small amount spin off art may change it to something that can be interpreted as blue, but for the most part they are absolutely gray.

I think the only actual very small change he undergoes is his color tips? His hair always has a gradient but the colors used for it are a little inconsistent sometimes. In Danganronpa 3 they're red and occasionally purple so it's a little weird haha! Sometimes he's not drawn with his gradient at all, a slight gradient with the same color, a red gradient, or a purple gradient so it's pretty confusing. His gradient also changes with how prominent it is depending on the art if there even is one. He's drawn most often with red subtle tips though so I think that was the intention. You could probably chalk it up to lighting if you wanted Lol.

While I do love a lot of his sprites I think some of them are pretty restrictive and lack all of the emotions we know he's able to show because he does in other appearances. This is why I really like when the Mangas allow him to be very expressive beyond what his sprites can convey! I think his sprites can really excel with some expressions but falls flat with others.

Rambles about his sprites in Dr2 and his slight inconsistencies aside, a lot of his art is great! (I'm very biased) but I do have some strong opinions, positively and negatively, on quite a few of them. The main thing is that I don't know if I actually have a favorite??? It's a really difficult question.

But I do want to highlight these three dr2 cgs I really like! He isn't fully 100% consistent here but I really like them. I know a lot of people think Nagito's showing Junko's arm art looks bad but I honestly like it. Nagito about to play Russian Roulette is such an awesome moment too! The one where he has the fire behind him is not only really cool, but also a really good in game shot of most of his body from a different angle!

I truly, again, love his manga art! His specific spin off's manga has a lot of really amazing, interesting, and fun visuals! Even if I'm not really fond of the anatomy the artist uses it's still really good stuff. The Danganronpa 2 spin off mangas have really good anatomy and expressions he looks sooo good there I'm in love with it.

While I'm at it I also want to highlight his reference sheet, it's clearly consistent because that's the job of a reference and I think his expression is pretty cute here. I don't really see people talk about it so I just wanted to also bring it up Lol.

For the most part I've really struggled to directly answer your question because he has a lot of different interpretations, art, and appearances that all mix together into one mental image or understanding of what he looks like for me. I really love most all of his art so it's hard to say. Nagito has a lot of different tones in his art as well, from his crazed ramblings to happy expressions, he has so many tonally different art pieces because he excels at being sweet and intimidating. This makes it even more difficult!

In conclusion, I don't believe I can come up with an absolute answer for you unfortunately. Regardless though, I definitely learned from this that I have strong opinions on all of his art. I hope you enjoyed my appreciation for some of his art and small talk about mild inconsistencies of his haha!!

Apologies this took so long and Thank you for your ask <3

[circulars-reasoning]

Recovery

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

A little over two years ago at this point, I began therapy for the first time. I was absolutely fucking terrified of it. I was terrified of opening up about the lie I'd clearly been living. I was terrified of a well-mannered person looking at me, listening to me, and saying "Is this way of viewing yourself really healthy?" And kindly and calmly explaining to me that I'd fabricated all that trauma, that my abusers weren't actually abusers -- that emotional neglect is more severe than what I'd experienced, and the reason I couldn't remember anything "bad" was because there was nothing bad to remember.

Instead, my therapist had one session with me, had me take a test to see the severity of my symptoms, and diagnosed me faster than I've ever heard of someone being diagnosed.

Just like that.

I have had so much integration since then. I can hear everyone clearly, without straining for it on purpose. I see my life around me, and I forget there's a whole life in my head that I used to spend 24/7 at until a friend reminds me of a time back then, and I remember who I used to be in full detail.

This week in therapy, we discussed my recovery. We discussed how I, as a part, am doing so, so much better than I've ever done -- and how I almost feel bad about it, because other parts aren't doing nearly as well right now. I'm not as depressed, I'm not as suicidal, and I have a lot of things I'm passionate about that I can rely on rather than harmful coping mechanisms -- and I talked about how other parts are more stressed than ever. "It's like they took the worst parts of who I used to be, because we're integrating now, so they have to carry the burden."

And my therapist looked at me, and said, "Why is who you used to be such a burden?"

Recovery hasn't been easy -- but I've definitely gone faster through some of these obstacles than I've seen others in my situation. I take the lessons and I absorb them like a sponge; in a matter of weeks, I completely stop spirals that would've wrecked me before, and push away relapse thoughts with a simple distraction rather than a mental breakdown. It hasn't been easy -- but god, is it easier than what I've seen my friends experience.

I look at my friends, and I see how much they struggle... I feel the need to express the struggles I've gone through. "Oh yeah, I was such a mess in college," I'd say. "I was such a wreck, constantly. My dissociation was so bad. I hated myself so much."

Why is who I used to be a burden?

Why is who I used to be someone I must kick down?

Will it really make me taller?

My homework for this week was very simple, and incredibly complex all the same -- and at the time, when he gave me the assignment, I had my doubts it was really as severe as he suggested. It wasn't until I got to the car with my partner of 6 years, and I told them about the homework that it clicked.

"He told me I need to be kind to my younger self, who I -- as a part -- used to be. He told me I needed to be more positive about that guy." "You know... I fell in love with that version of you." And I winced, because I wanted to laugh and cringe at what a mistake that was.

It clicked for me, today. How this connects to all that self doubt.

“If you’re having this easy of a time with recovery, it means it wasn’t as bad as you made it out to be.”

It always was just that bad. It was exactly as bad as I made it out to be.

But I was far better than I made myself out to be.

[lesbiandanhowell]

Special episode of Sam reacts!

Sam reacts to: We're All Doomed Movie

Since this is long, little summary of thoughts at the beginning. I didn't love the editing at the beginning, because it felt too fast paced/ too jumpy? But it changed in the second half and seeing the contrast in the editing of it being much slower during the emotional bit, it does make sense. I think the movie for sure did the performance justice and showing the audience interactions added a lot for me.

Also this show is so important on every level and I adore Dan so much for making it and being so proud of it.

- Immediately started looking for myself but I don't think you can see us, cause we sat on the balcony. I have however already spotted @energeticwarrior and @danrifics like less than a minute in lmao

- I love seeing how many of the camera positions I identified correctly.

- I wish they would let shots linger more, the cuts are quite jumpy.

- Oh this brings me back so much. Hearing the audience laugh at certain moments I remember laughing in that moment. I get the same excitement and urge to clap and cheer.

- I love seeing his expressions, cause I didn't get to see those up from the balcony!

- The person with the boob hair sweater in the first row, I love you!

- "Believably sad, lonely and horny. Dan Howell!"

- Okay they somehow really managed to capture the energy of the room which I was worried about. The sound leveling between audience and Dan is really well matched imo.

- He is SO SWEATY what the fuck how stressed was he because the venue really wasn't too hot honestly.

- My attention span is so much worse than when I was there in person holy shit.

- "After the show talking about what a good time you've had" and none of us have been able to shut up about just how much we loved it since 🥹

- The overalls are so bad for Dan, he has like no ass in them.

- Okay admission that @personthattoleratesme made fun of me for: during the YouTube swipe Montage I didn't realize all the other like Crafting, Baking, Shipping Container YouTubers was Dan the first time I saw the show...

- I am SO GLAD Froot Loops Tucan made it and the persons reaction and confidence is incredible.

- Dan's ability to go between talking about wanting to fuxk the Duolingo owl to the very real danger of social media influencing political elections is unparalleled.

- "Human communication. We want to come together with real people. Share stories, move each other emotionally with our words about depression and pensis."

- Imagine Dan Howell calling you hoe...

- Something about Dan calling himself a ditzy bitch gets me so bad every time.

- "Miscellaneous mentally ill nerds of London" best title I have ever been given.

- I liked Sundays madlips better :(( But wasn't faggots Sunday I am so confused now

- The screams for every Phil mention, we love him so much.

- I love Blame Game so much, some of my favourite parts from the whole show because the energy is unmatched. The fact that JKR gets a more severe reaction than Musk is actually so funny.

- Sunday crowd was the best, you can so clearly hear that the majority of people is calling freedom for Dan at the end aww.

- I need more bravery to fuck shit up, to not be so agreeable and complacent and be more disruptive honestly.

- After the calender bit his voice is so shakey and broken, I didn't hear that at all in person but fuck that just broke me.

- Yeah the last few minutes always get me so not much of a reaction to those other than I cried, again.

- What I found interesting was the parts that were left out? Cause I definitely noticed a few moments that didn't make the cut which I find surprising! Moments I noticed were the first mention of him only using two emojis, that's referenced again with the cowboy hat emoji and also he didn't include the iconic "Because time changes everything".

- I am so glad they managed to get All Star because it is simply part of the experience honestly. Nothing hit's quite like sobbing and then being hit with that song.

EDIT:

- I remembered something else I really loved: the music, I really think they choose such a good score, made such good little sound effects and the reaction I had to hearing it all live was amazing.

[qqueenofhades]

ok fix-it time hilary you can do this i believe in you

prompt is a classic one--Aziraphale runs after Crowley after the "i forgive you" "don't bother" exchange OR the kiss does magically work like Crowley hoped

no i am not using english grammar and spelling today my feelings are too strong

Aha. Well, I wrote this fic yesterday, but it... might not entirely qualify as fix-it. My bad. To make it up, I offer you this: technically not either of the suggested scenarios, but still something to salve the pain, set at the end of Season 3 or thereabouts.

The late afternoon light is still and weighty: golden, heavy, purposeful, the sort of light that takes up space, that polishes floorboards and sets dust motes drifting, settles on the backs of furniture and the pages of books like a sleeping cat. The sort of light that fills the room almost tangibly, that stripes the bed and spills off it to the floor like too much olive oil poured into an amphora, back in the hot white heat of the Holy Land. Since he is, of course, a being of pure light, Aziraphale can feel it in his sinews, in the core of his soul, but it almost seems... wrong. Not the light itself, but that he's still allowed to touch it. He doesn't know if he's Fallen or not, or if such trite distinctions even matter. He only knows this. Them. Now.

Aware that it is incumbent upon him to start the conversation, he clears his throat and looks at Crowley, sprawled out on the bed with a fair show of his old insouciance, but Aziraphale can sense the fragility behind the flippant smile. Crowley's black-clad legs are jauntily crossed, his shoes kicked off, his hair a particularly vibrant red against the little-used, age-yellowed lace of the pillow cover; this bed, after all, doesn't get much use in the traditional sense. Aziraphale's preferred human vice is food, not sleep, though he knows Crowley is very good at it and might have to teach him a thing or two about that, about rest. He craves it, but he doesn't know where to begin. That seems applicable to any number of things right now, but he has to start somewhere, he supposes. He just doesn't know.

"Er," Aziraphale says at last, to Crowley's increasingly-strained expectant expression. "My dear, I... I am..."

He bites his tongue. He's rarely been in this position before, knowing that he's the one who needs desperately to ask for forgiveness -- real forgiveness -- and not at all certain that it will actually be granted. It's always seemed so slick, so easy, something to toss off as easily and unthinkingly as the humans say bless you when someone sneezes, and carrying about the same spiritual or emotional depth. Aziraphale feels mortifyingly ashamed of it, of himself. He shuffles his feet, twisting the hem of his waistcoat between his fingers. At last, to the carpet, he says, "I'm so very, very sorry. I've been an absolutely dreadful ninny, and I don't... I don't know if you can forgive me, but..."

"Angel." Crowley's voice is rough. "Bloody look at me, would you?"

Half-fearing to be dissolved by infernal hellfire on the spot, but knowing that he deserves it, Aziraphale looks up.

It's hard to read Crowley's expression, even more than usual. The glasses are off, but his slitted amber eyes are opaque, careful, wary, not quite sure what this is or what's going to come of it. The dead-silent moments that follow, as he weighs up his options, are among the very worst of Aziraphale's entire unending life. Then Crowley fractionally shifts his weight, opening up a spot on the bed next to him, a silent invitation. He doesn't say anything. Using their words tends to backfire tremendously, even if they need to get used to it. He just looks. He just waits.

After all this time, after everything, Aziraphale finally doesn't hesitate. In fact, he almost trips over himself as he blunders across the floor, falls onto the squeaking old mattress, and clambers into Crowley's arms. Crowley wraps them both around him with fierce, ferocious, furious strength, pulling Aziraphale down next to him, Aziraphale's softer, rounder corporal form fitting neatly into the hard lines and lean angles of Crowley's. Aziraphale rests his head on the bare triangle of throat where Crowley's shirt is unbuttoned, burrows his face into the sharp cleanness of Crowley's collarbone, and becomes belatedly, embarrassingly aware that he's crying. It seems beneath the dignity of a (possibly-ex?) Principality, but he doesn't think he can stop. He just wants to lie here and clutch onto Crowley for literally dear life, to mourn for all the time they've missed, for the simple, unbearable, shocking, agonizing, perfectly exquisite pleasure of holding his love close. "I'm so sorry," he says again, struggling not to let his voice crack too extravagantly. "Dreadful ninny. Absolutely dreadful."

"You were doing what you thought was right. What you needed to do to stop the Apocalypse, just... differently." Crowley's voice turns distant, his fingers absently stroking Aziraphale's hair. It feels strange and shocking and quite, quite lovely. "Can't really tell you off for that, can I? After all, I'm a demon. What do I know about doing good?"

"Hush," Aziraphale says, primly and a little watery. "Now you know that's not true."

Crowley lifts his head and regards Aziraphale for a long moment. He doesn't answer, just thinks about it. "All right," he allows, at deliberate length. "Maybe a little. I'm still very mad at you, though."

"I do understand." Aziraphale nestles again, and Crowley doesn't stop him. "But perhaps, even if I have no real right to ask it, you can... you might... one day think about... f-forgiving me?"

His voice trembles and squeaks. It takes all the courage in him, even more than when he stood up to the full hosts of Heaven and told them no, no more, not ever again, but he looks Crowley in the eye. He tries not to look too expectant, or too arrogant. He waits.

Crowley, for his part, looks mildly flabbergasted. He makes one of those incoherent nnngh noises that he resorts to whenever he finds himself at a loss for words, and shakes his head. "Idiot," he says, very softly. "Of course I bloody forgive you. Of course. Now if you -- "

He doesn't get to finish his sentence. That's because Aziraphale likewise screws up every drop of courage, takes hold of Crowley's collar, and lowers his head, terrified that he's about to muck it up. But Crowley just looks at him like he's luminous, like the light is still in him and he is the light itself, and tips his head just that bit, in order to settle their lips together.

The kiss is long and slow, soft and sweet. Crowley's hand flutters up to rest in the wild white tufts of Aziraphale's hair, and Aziraphale -- somewhat in terrified awe at his own daring -- nibbles experimentally on Crowley's lip. He's quite bad at it, but neither of them care, or can think about anything else, or do anything but heave short sharp breaths, half-laughs, muffled sobs. When they finally pull apart, Aziraphale says anxiously, "I hope it wasn't very awful?"

"Oh." Crowley's eyes are half-lidded, and in the sunlight, he too looks as if he is burning like a beacon, brighter than his favorite stars. The affection in his voice is greater than the wings of heaven or the reaches of hell, the heights of the sky or the depths of the sea, and his smile outshines them all. "Absolutely terrible."

[awakentheeldritchabomination]

First Random Writing Dump

CW: mentions of self harm and emotional abuse

As decreed by the poll, most of ya’ll seem fine with a little bit of word vomit, and since I have some time, I’m just gonna spew a bit of my thoughts on my version of Charlie so far. It won’t be much, just a jumbled list of rough ideas. I don’t know how set I am with these, but here goes:

- They may or may not be renamed

- They use they/them pronouns but don’t correct people who misgender them; they find gender to be an odd concept, and they can’t quite grasp why people care so much about it

- They know a lot about human history but have not personally interacted with many people beyond what is necessary (until later)

- Their capacity to empathize with the plight of humans comes from guilt, their mother, who is still going to be Lilith… maybe…., a horrific chance encounter, and their relationship with V (gotta pick a name for her lol)

- Still, growing up in a privileged position largely removed from the sinners’ reality while being surrounded by reminders that these people invited suffering through their own wickedness has given them this sense of innate superiority; they are semi-aware of the fact that their elitist mindset exists and is not…great…but they prefer to bury it under toxic positivity and pretend it’s not an issue

- They have been trained to fight (heaven and hell are still basically at war, after all), but they’ve never had a real battle, and they’ve certainly never killed anyone before; the weight of dealing death terrifies and paralyzes them

- They are aware of what they are, and they deeply fear what they are capable of

- They are not very well acquainted with their demonic form, and they’d rather not be; it’s often triggered by ugly feelings they don’t want to confront

- Yeah, they’ve got some things going on deep down. Beneath the sunshine and rainbows and genuinely good intentions, there’s this raw, wriggling darkness, gnawing on their insides like maggots; they don’t know why

- Spoilers: it’s the manipulation and emotional abuse Lucifer subjected them to as well as the resentment harbored against both parents for deciding to bring a child into a realm meant as an eternal torture chamber for evil people; they don’t consciously recognize the abuse they experienced because of strategic subtly, gaslighting, and isolation from other experiences. Both they and Lilith know something about Lucifer is off, and it creates this eerie, underlying fear that permeates every interaction, yet neither of them know how bad it actually is; Also Lilith likes to make excuses just like: “Oh, don’t be like that. He’s just doing whatever coz he loves you :)”

- Their warring sides will come to a head; the anger inside them will boil over, and they will be a terror

- Lucifer cuts them off after a falling out that occurs because of the hotel proposal; they will only be accepted back once they’ve “come to their senses”

- Charlie and Alastor have a weird relationship; they’ve got this yin-yang, mirrored image thing going on; they:

1. Are both biracial and are torn between different worlds

2. Have distanced themselves from one (their blackness. Yeah, Charlie is technically half black. But it’s a little more about their relation to the whole of humanity for them), but while one is actively trying to seek it out, the other has been conditioned to avoid it

3. Are performers (which will play a role in discussions of identity, y’know, what it means to perform an aspect of identity; what is whiteness vs blackness; queerness vs heteronormative ideals; how we generally define them and individually express them. But it’s also just “hey, we both like doing a thing. Oh, wow. Neat.”)

4. Have a volatile amount of anger that makes them violently lash out

5. Have strictly opposing yet similarly extreme moral principles

this will also be present in their designs (they have opposing coloration: blue vs red, white on black vs black on white, etc.); then there’s the wolf vs deer thing… I feel like I’d need a separate post to go through all that. I feel like this is already a lot lol

- They kinda feel conflicted about being friends with Al because he allows them to cut loose a bit and have fun, and they weirdly enough have a bit in common….but like…. dude ate people…..uhhhhhhh (does that make them a bad person if they like a literal murderer?), but then they think “I’m not supposed to judge. I’m supposed to help (and I’m totally fine….right….?). Meanwhile, V’s just like, “No, babe, please judge”

- They don’t like absolute silence, and they don’t like being alone; it allows their mind to wander into dangerous places; since Alastor is a literal radio that spits out music and static constantly, they sometimes just seek him out when their thoughts are too loud. Like, he just becomes a sentient noise machine for them basically

- Charlie’s got a habit of chewing on things when they’re nervous—pens, the inside of their cheek, their nails—coz dog (or….wolf….dragon….thingy); it’s usually harmless, but when they feel especially bad, they bite themselves (sometimes they bite the stuffing out of pillows as a substitute); when they start to more aggressively gnaw on their nails, V usually tries to guide their hand away

- They hide under the bed when they are feeling particularly miserable and anxious

There’s a lot more crap brewing, and I didn’t go into as much detail as I could have…. But I think that’s enough for maybe the week idk. If anyone’s at all curious, I might make another post about V or something.

Leave thoughts in the notes if you wanna!

[stickandthorn]

Please write that meta on Imogen and Laudna if you want, I would love to read it.

Well anon, good news, I would love to talk about it! Bad news, it will be very rambly and mildly incoherent, as I am incredibly tired. I am keepin it below the cut for your sakes

(Disclaimer, this is not dissing anyone else’s interpretation, if you disagree that’s fine. I’m not here to say anyone is wrong for their views on the characters and their relationship. Even if I disagree with you, I don’t think you need to agree with me, because stories are filtered through the experience and analysis of the individual viewer and everyone has their own personalized interpretation etc.)

This is something I’ve believed for a long time, but Imogen and Laudna’s conversation this episode really solidified my thoughts on it. Imogen and Laudna love each other, but they don’t love each other for who the other is, they love each other for the certainty of the other’s existence in their life. They also don’t care how they exist in their life, only that they do.

I think the best one line summation of all this is when Laudna said their relationship “transcended words.” I think that’s the closest they’ve gotten to the uncomfortable truth of their relationship. Their relationship is not about communication, it isn’t about the messy work of making compatible the nitty gritty of who they are, it is about being able to have each other no matter what. No matter who each other is.

Every conversation Laudna and Imogen have had has been an almost lampshading-esque conversation about their relationship. It has always been assuaging doubt, reassuring the other that they’ll always be there, and that things will be ok. Talking about the optimistic future, comforting one another, maybe expressing a little sadness or uncertainty that they can find reassurance about. But they always very quickly drift away from any conversations that are either genuinely difficult and messy, or aren’t about the surety of their bond. The few times something genuinely difficult does come up, like the rock incident, it’s avoided till it can be moved on from without trouble and without that difficult communication.

Look at Ashton and Laudna’s conversation this episode. They were vulnerable and honest with each other about some really uncomfortable topics. It wasn’t a fun conversation, but they came out the other side of it understanding one another better, and maybe themselves as well. That is the foundation of a close, genuinely emotionally intimate relationships of any kind. That is what creates a bond that genuinely centers around who the people in it are.

But Laudna and Imogen avoid those topics. Imogen is often more emotionally honest with other people like Orym, and Laudna with Ashton, than they are with each other. That is where the true worries and flaws and truths that can’t be comforted away come out. They actually seem rather uncomfortable with emotional honesty with each other. In the conversation in question, Imogen started by saying she was fine, which she clearly wasn’t, and Laudna had to press her to get her to start being honest. Because they need their relationship to be positive, or else it might not always be there.

I don’t think this is because of denial or naivety, but because that is just not why they need each other. Laudna said so herself, she said she’d back up Imogen no matter what choice she made. The foundation of their relationship is not emotional honesty or love of who the other is as a person, but that the other was there after years of being lonely. Now that’s all there is to preserve. Purposefully avoiding or outright accepting all the negatives of the other and their relationship will always allow them to guarantee there they will never be alone again. And that’s all they need. To be blunt: the reason Imogen didn’t talk to Laudna after her resurrection, and why Laudna didn’t seem upset, was because all that matters in their relationship is that the other is there. The very act of Laudna being alive was all it took. Imogen holding Laudna after she came back was fulfilling what the relationship had been doing. It’s a very close relationship, but it is a purposefully somewhat hollow one.

This isn’t meant as invalidation of what is there. It’s an extremely important relationship to the characters, one which you can interpret any way, this is just my take on it.

[rebeccadumaurier]

will martha wells dare to imagine the end of capitalism? and other thoughts on system collapse (and the rest of the murderbot diaries)

I'm writing this post because the wait for System Collapse is killing me and I need something to do. These are not so much predictions of specific, concrete events—I am terrible at predictions and bad with plot—so much as exploring existing thematic arcs in the series and tracing them to what I think are their natural ends. (Also, this post uses "bot" and "construct" interchangeably because I'm lazy. Sorry, MB.)

Some points I think the rest of the series (SC and onwards) may hit on:

Further development, and let's say "stress testing," of ART and Murderbot's relationship, and bot/construct relationships in general

Every day I go insane about this conversation MB has with ART early in Artificial Condition, which is not very subtle foreshadowing:

[ART said], My crew always considers me trustworthy. I shouldn’t have let it watch all those episodes of Worldhoppers. “I’m not your crew. I’m not a human. I’m a construct. Constructs and bots can’t trust each other.” It was quiet for ten precious seconds, though I could tell from the spike in its feed activity it was doing something. I realized it must be searching its databases, looking for a way to refute my statement. Then it said, Why not? I had spent so much time pretending to be patient with humans asking stupid questions. I should have more self-control than this. “Because we both have to follow human orders. A human could tell you to purge my memory. A human could tell me to destroy your systems.” I thought it would argue that I couldn’t possibly hurt it, which would derail the whole conversation. But it said, There are no humans here now.

But in the future there will be humans who could tell ART to do something undesirable to MB (technically, NE already did this to some extent, but it didn't fully address the issue). Artificial Condition in fact explicitly notes ART doesn't have a refutation to that particular argument, and that's why they can't trust each other. We get some initial glimpses in Network Effect of this—ART makes its own decision to save Murderbot, and thankfully its crew agrees with the plan, but we can't expect ART and its crew to be in agreement forever.

Frankly, a lot of ART's plans seem to rely on either (1) its humans / the people in charge of it agreeing with it or (2) them not being around to disagree, which is going to be a problem sooner or later, especially as Murderbot's view of humans is not as ... positive as ART's. Network Effect dances around this problem because both the Preservation people and ART's crew are good people who largely support ART and MB in their decisions, but I don't think that will always be the case.

(Side note: I am once again thinking of Murderbot's surprise that Don Abene allowed Miki to override her orders in Rogue Protocol, and the bot spectrum of "cannot disobey orders literally ever" (like SecUnits) to "can disobey orders in the right circumstances" (like Miki) to "can mostly just do whatever but ultimately bots still have their programming" and how MB views ART's place on that spectrum. Also I am once again begging Murderbot to please reflect more on Miki's death, but given its current level of emotional repression, I am not optimistic about this.)

Leading me to my next point—

The question of ownership, independence, and property in the Murderbot universe

As Murderbot has mentioned various times, the people of Preservation call themselves "guardians" of bots rather than owners, but it's still very much ownership (and MB is right to point this out and express discomfort about it). MB knows it's fortunate that its owner—sorry, guardian, Mensah, allows it a ton of freedom, but legally, MB is still Mensah's property. Mensah's approach is a single, individual band-aid in that it may (for now) allow MB to live a life more or less of its choosing, but it doesn't address the larger systematic issue that actually, owning these bots is fucked up and many people exploit the bots they own, including people who think that they're already being incredibly generous and goodhearted simply by not abusing bots. (I'd need to go back and review, but I got the latter vibe from many of the Preservation bot owners in Fugitive Telemetry.)

Martha Wells seems like she will address this larger issue later. I don't know how, but I'm sure "Murderbot gets dragged into it and has to *gasp* talk about its feelings" will happen somehow, since that recurs frequently.

What healing from trauma looks like for a bot/construct

Dr. Bharadwaj has already suggested that Murderbot could use therapy ("trauma treatment" but like ... sounds like it's therapy combined with some other self care / community care strategies), and Murderbot is not subtle about its whole "I have been through many horrific things but I will pretend it's totally fine and not a big deal" coping strategy. I'd be interested to see what role ART plays in this—it's quite scarred from the events of Network Effect, will need to heal, and is unlikely to do the "yeah whatever that's just what my life is like" strategy MB adopted, because that's not what its life is like.

(Side note: in NE, MB says being taken over by targetControlSystem "would be like having a governor module again. No, not again. Never again." To MB, the loss of control ART experienced is similar to what MB's life was like every day until it hacked its module. I'M SO. 😭)

But therapy for a bot would look very different from therapy for a human, and I'm doubtful there's any therapists out there equipped to handle it. The "nicest" humans, if you will, seem to be the PreservationAux citizens, and they still have a long way to go on their understanding of bots. Also, much like in real life, therapy is not a cure-all for everything and there's a lot of terrible therapists, issues with psychiatry, etc. I will not get into—so I'm not actually saying that Bhadwaraj's idea of "trauma treatment" is the specific route MB will take to heal, I'm just curious what it's gonna take to get it to open up and be willingly emotionally vulnerable.

Who is Murderbot outside its day job? (aka its hypercompetence with regard to security)

One of Murderbot's defining traits is that it's an incredibly competent person, even when (often especially when) surrounded by much less competent people. The Goodreads blurb for System Collapse implies this won't always be the case:

But there’s something wrong with Murderbot; it isn’t running within normal operational parameters. ART’s crew and the humans from Preservation are doing everything they can to protect the colonists, but with Barish-Estranza’s SecUnit-heavy persuasion teams, they’re going to have to hope Murderbot figures out what’s wrong with itself, and fast!

My first reaction is: "hey, why is Murderbot the only one who has to figure that out?!" (Not that I think ART or the humans are jerks who don't care about its problems or don't want to help; I think Murderbot has trouble asking for help or even imagining people want to help it, e.g. its assumption in NE everyone just left it behind to die when it was captured.) The inherent question with characters who define themselves through their hypercompetence at something is: who do they become when they can no longer rely on that? (For example, who is a star athlete when they get a permanent injury? Who is a brilliant painter when they go blind? etc.)

ART already had to grapple with that to some extent when it lost control of itself in NE and couldn't rely on itself or its crew, so it resorted to kidnapping MB to fix the problem. But that doesn't deal with the larger identity crisis / struggle for self-definition at play, which is essentially: Who is Murderbot when it's not useful, when it's not able to do what it was created to do?

Speaking of which, this is very relevant to my title question—

Will we see Martha Wells envision the end of capitalism???

The Murderbot Diaries is the story of a single bot and its friends / enemies / etc., and I'm perfectly happy if it stays that way and focuses on MB's internal journey. But Martha Wells seems like an ambitious enough author to imagine wider solutions to the problems that plague the Murderbot universe, which is namely that corporations are evil. If corporations were not so evil, we wouldn't have our corporation-hating traumatized-by-corporations created-by-a-corporation-and-struggling-with-it protagonist. There's indentured servants in Rogue Protocol. There is literally a space version of the Underground Railroad in Fugitive Telemetry. It is impossible to understand this series without understanding that it is a very, very vicious critique of capitalism, and without this critique laying out its foundations, we would not have most of its characters, including Murderbot itself. Preservation is already a first step in that it seems to be some sort of utopian commune devoid of corporations or privatization—which is a huge step in itself, that Wells envisions a world devoid of capitalism—but it's one small (and still imperfect, re: earlier discussion of treatment of bots) planet in a large, dysfunctional universe.

So far the series has been Murderbot dealing with individual evil corporations (GrayCris, Barish-Estranza, etc), but mainly in the context of one crisis at a time, with regard to saving only its friends / clients. (It's fine with leaving Eletra to Barish-Estranza in NE, for example.) I do not think Murderbot will singlehandedly destroy capitalism or that its goal is to do so—it's not a fix-everything save-everyone hero, no one is, one of the points of the series is that you should not attempt everything alone—but this series has done plenty of exploration of the evils of capitalism; I would like to see Martha Wells explore how we could end it.

[strangerstime]

Perhaps this information will totally influence my future writings

This topic exhausted itself a long time ago. But is it always a bad thing to return to something that still weighs on you to this day? Yeah, I'm talking about Sun and Moon Show.

So why did I pull this topic out of the nailed coffin when I have already stated my opinion before? Well, there are reasons for that. My friend, @visionthefox, often makes little posts debating this, and I read them from time to time. And the post about Bloodmoon and Lunar has me quite interested. More specifically the fact that BM broke his arm. I was impressed: in a show made for kids, they showed that moment in a very violent and intimidating way. For that they have my respect. I hadn't heard my boys' voices in quite a while and was immensely happy to hear the two of them again (if you remember, it was after BM and Lunar died that I finally gave up on the show). But my happiness didn't last long.

I watched a few other episodes, including gameplay episodes (where I think the BM actor underplayed emotionally, since I saw him as Moon the whole time, but Ruin Eclipse behaved pretty similarly, but not about that), and was somewhat disappointed. Not only that they made two hysterical twins out of my fun and active twins (which is justifiable, since they've been betrayed many times and suffered mentally from it), but also how much the plot became… monotonous? I just didn't have the fervor to find out what happens next.

You may say to me, "Well, it's a show for kids! Why pick on it?" Well, I came to this show when I was a kid. And I thought it was pretty strong script-wise. So what happened? When did those subtle plot lines weaving together turn into constant "here-this-twists!"? All in all, it's pretty sad. I don't deny that there are some positive aspects to the show: I like that the BMs are shown to be much more serious and more realistic, with their complexes and fears; that they brought up Lunar and BM's "brotherhood" (After a year- KHEM) and other minor pluses, but there's nothing here that can bring my attention back. The saddest thing is when watching something leaves no emotion at all…. Just emptiness...

I am in no way judging you if you like this Show! This is my subjective opinion, which I just decided to express for one simple reason: I feel guilty.

Guilty of falling for it, of following the creators' leash, of deciding to base my universe on it and thereby creating so many problems for myself that I won't be able to solve anytime soon, because all the problems start from the first comics… I've only been doing this for a year, and I realize I'm as far from perfect as the Earth is from the Moon. I realize that I should have thought of the consequences earlier, but I was going with my emotions and hopes, which ultimately didn't come to fruition. I accept the fact that people unfamiliar with SAMS will not get on board, they will be confused and end up drowning in trying to understand what is going on here. Which leads me to ask just one question:

"What should I do now?"

Is it worth restarting the whole thing? Flush a whole year of my efforts down the toilet to convey the true essence of my complicated plot? Or should I give up and just pretend like this is how it's supposed to be, finally finishing at least one part of this story….

Many people won't get to this point, but the few that do, hear me: never repeat my mistakes. Don't put your fate in the hands of other people.

End of communication.