#i am managing without a car but with my job it is much easier to have one

[soukitas]

hi!! don't know if you're still active but i would like to request a blurb with hijikata being jealous, if that's okay?

Hello!! Yes I'm still sort of active around, thank you for the request!!!

CW: Fem!Reader

"It will be 3,000 yen, Okita-san" you mentioned in the direction of the young captain.

"Did you manage to do my special request?" he commented while he handed you the corresponding money.

"Whole bottle of mannoyaise for the fried rice, tabasco in the ramen broth, and a hard-written 'I love you' note pretending to be Tae Shimura on the katsudon." you clarified "Got it memorized since day one, Okita-san"

"No one does it like you do" Sougo smiled in your direction, and you couldn't help but let out a shy laugh.

You were the local restaurant's delivery person and co-owner, for the past year you had been religiously cooking take-out for the Shinsengumi members at least three times a week. Over the course of this time, you had managed to become friends with the youngest captain of the force and got to know the higher heads: Kondou Isao, the commander, and Hijikata Toushirou, the attractive vicecommander.

He had been the one to receive the orders a couple of times, and unlike the ashy-brown boy, who was easier to talk to, exchanging words with him was next to impossible, mostly because every time you were in front of him you had to fight the urge to kiss him silly.

"Sougo, what's taking so long?" as if thoughts could conjure matter, the second you wondered if you were getting the opportunity to see him today he appeared at the entrance of the compound. He took a glance at you which he diverted quickly. "Don't waste time messing around with girls, break time is almost over."

"Hijikata-san, you're making me sound like a playboy." the younger boy complained.

"I'll get going." you interrupted in attempt to lower the tension that had grown between the two.

You headed to the scooter you commonly used for transport and tried to start the engine. First time, the sound fell flat, second time, still didn't turn on, and by the third time, you had given up. Your scooter was not going to start, damn the owner for not giving it proper maintenance. You were embarrassed enough, and the fact that the two men remained by the entrance watching you fail misserably was just adding to it. Sougo had gotten closer, his body bent forward to examine the vehicle, a bit too close to you compared to what you normally allow a stranger to be.

"Damn it" you muttered when he seemed to not know what was wrong right away "I still have some more deliveries to make, what am I going to do? The food will go cold." you complained to the skies, mostly talking to yourself.

"I can take you on the patrol car, it will be faster that way." Sougo offered. You were about to jump in right into the proposal, since keeping your job was your priority, until your friend was abruptly pulled away by his collar.

"You're just looking for excuses to miss out on work!" Hijikata almost yelled as he rather roughly pushed Sougo in the direction of the compound entrance. Instead, he walked towards you, more like past you, in the direction of his car. "I'll take you, let's get going, I have work to do."

You didn't quite believe your ears but compiled without refutal. The ride was quiet and slightly awkward. You wouldn't talk much and he wouldn't even dare to look your way.

"He's more deceiving than you think, that guy." he suddenly spurted out.

"Do you mean Okita-san?" you asked, surprised by his proactivity.

"You shouldn't be so friendly with him, he is into weird stuff." his eyes kept fixed on the road, his hand occasionally darting out to remove the cigarette from his mouth and blow out the smoke.

"He's been nothing but good to me, though." you said absentmindedly, you weren't trying to advocate for him or anything, you just spoke the truth that circled your mind at the time.

Hijikata was silent the entire remaining routes. He would simply ask for the address, light up another cigarette once you arrived, and crush it right after you were done talking to the costumer. Did you have to be so nice to every one of them? Could you not tell the way they looked at you? The same way Sougo looked at you?

"That was the last one" you said as you dropped back onto the passenger's seat. You let out a content sigh and turned to him, for the first time in the entire day he returned your gaze, and you couldn't help but smile "Thank you, Hijikata-san, you really saved me"

The way his name slipped from your lips made his chest feel heavy. "I'll take you back home now." he stated.

you hummed with doubt "The scooter is still at the compound, though"

"I'll have someone take a look at it and give it to you once it's fixed." he answered.

There was no point on arguing, so you just gave him the address and he drove without a word yet again. However, the second he pulled over in front of your house, his hand darted out to hand you something. Between his fingers he was holding a namecard that read "Hijikata Toshiro, XXX-XXX-XX-XX" with his number on it.

"Call me tomorrow morning, I will take you to work." he offered.

"You don't have to do that..." you said as a reflex, trying to hide the fact that you were, indeed, thrilled with his proposal.

"Whenever you have the food we order ready," he continued, ignoring that you had just say "Call me. I'll receive it."

His voice was more commanding than suggestive. You couldn't help the blush that ran through your face, and simply nodded in response, sliding quickly outside the car. The window on his side was open to allow the smoke of his cigarette to slip out. He was waiting for you to get inside before he left, and as you looked back at him still in the car, you gave in to an impulse you had long ago.

"Hijikata-san." you said camly as you approached him again. You heard him ask if there was a problem, but instead of responding you bent over across the open window to lay a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you, again!" you said sheepishly before basically running into your home.

He attempted to look non-chalant as you drifted away, but the second you were out of sight his face turned a shade of red tomatos would be jealous of. His hand was brought to his mouth and a frown appeared. He hated it. He hated how much it affected him. How much he wanted you to do it again.

[biggestdev]

Converting a battery backup to Lithium because I hate myself

I've got a whole bunch of battery backups in my home, one on each computer, and a big one in my server rack in the basement. I've also got a few out "in the wild" at some of my family's places. They're great, where I live in the northeast US, the power grid is stable enough that most outages are only minutes long, and these backups (technically called a UPS - Uninterrupted Power Supply) do a great job keeping computers running through them.

My issue is the batteries. They all run on lead acid batteries, aka the same kind that's in your car, and they dont last long in this kind of environment, I'm lucky if I get 3 years out of one. On top of that, their battery life detection is terrible, It's about a 50/50 shot whether I get a warning about a dead battery pack before the next power outage takes it down without warning. Keeping track of that with just one or two is annoying, let alone 10 of them!

Lithium UPS's exist, and theoretically last many years longer, but they are many times more expensive than a normal backup. I'd like to not spend new-car money replacing a dozen UPS units, so I did some math instead.

I have a husk of a ups (no battery), and I tested it out: the open circuit voltage on the battery cable is 27.6 volts, which just happens to be almost the exact voltage needed to float charge a series of 8 Lithium-iron-phosphate (LiFePo4) batteries!

Why is that exciting? Usually when you think of lithium batteries, you think of lithium-ion (also can be called lithium-polymer) batteries. These are the batteries in your laptop and phone... And also Tesla cars. They hold more energy than a LiFePo4 battery, but are very sensitive to temperature, over and under-voltage, over-charging, and over-current conditions. Abuse them too hard, and they swell up and pop! That's why Teslas seem to catch fire more often than other cars: most other companies gave up range for a battery chemistry that isn't a ticking time bomb, like LiFePo4.

These LiFePo4 batteries can take a beating compared to Li-ion ones. Most importantly, they can be "float" charged, that is, left on the charger 24/7, without worrying about overcharging it and blowing caustic smoke everywhere. This is critical, because I'm attempting a direct drop-in swap for the old lead battery in this UPS, because float charging a lead battery is basically a requirement, and doing that to a Li-ion battery is asking for a fire!

Using a Li-ion pack would require a custom charging circuit, as the UPS's 27.6V is not correct for any configuration of Li-ion, and would either under charge the pack, losing me 50% of my capacity, or overcharge it, and make it explode. It would also have to stop the batteries from being float charged, again to keep the battery from exploding, while fooling the UPS into thinking a battery is still attached so it doesn't beep at me all the time, and my head is spinning just thinking about how that would work. Much easier to give up capacity for a simpler, and more robust battery.

This UPS can deliver 900 watts of power on battery, that equates to roughly 30 amps of current from the 27.6V battery pack. Adding a safety factor, I bought a BMS (Battery Management System) rated to 50 amps. A BMS is essential, as it offers extra protection against short circuits, over and under-charging and temperature cutoff. Also cell balancing, which keeps all the cells at the same level of charge during use (if they go out of sync-that's bad, is all I'll say for now). The batteries are rated for 120 amps continuous draw, so I am well under the limit where the cells would self-immolate.

With all that said, here's the guts:

Looking close, you might see that I had to cut some plastic out to make it all fit. That's an error on my part-I didn't measure right. If I make more, I'll definately be using a smaller cell, so it will be a proper "drop in" mod. Lots of drilling, cutting, and filing to make this all fit!

It took several hours to link up the cells, terminate the balancing wires (the small red spindly ones), and and stuff them in the battery box. That's a LOT longer than I was hoping it would take, but the on-the fly mods took a lot of time. but eventually, it all fit in, and I was able to test it:

It works! I unplugged it from the wall, and it stayed on! For now, I am in full helicopter parent mode, since I don't want to deal with a lithium fire, even though my math checks out and the UPS should never get the the point that these cells are ever "abused". I only leave it on when I'm in the room, and when I leave, I unplug from the wall, and remove the red lead from the battery, so no charge enters or leaves while I'm not there to watch it.

In theory, the only issue with this retrofit will be a useless runtime meter. The "minutes of runtime" meter is measuring the voltage of the battery as it discharges to estimate how much longer it will last, and the voltage drop over time is different for lithium and lead, so the meter won't be measuring accurately. Once I'm confident it won't explode randomly, I will likely install it permanently somewhere in one of my compters.

Wish me luck!

[redskull199987]

Until I found you

Connor x female!reader Request

Word count:2.3k

Warnings:Canon typical violence, guns, angsty

Summary: You and Connor had a difficult backstory already, but what happens when he returns to the DPD all of a sudden...?

Masterlist

Requested by Igni_Hydee on Wattpad

Song inspiration:

I woke up way too early, again. I looked outside the window. The sun hadn't even risen yet. With a grunt, I let myself fall back onto the bed. A sigh left my lips, as I tried to fall back asleep...unsuccessfully.

"Damn it", I mumbled to myself and got up to get dressed. Work didn't start yet, but it was never to early for coffee.

I walked around my room, gathering my clothes. As I was getting ready, my gaze fell onto my badge. My weapon was lying right next to it. It made me think back to the last time, I used it. It was a few weeks ago, when the android protests increased. I was glad that they managed to win back their independence. It made my job much easier, since the whole division for Deviancy became useless, which meant that my Partner Hank and me got some weeks of only light work in front of us. Much to Hank's likings, I might add. That man really needed a break, after all he went through. But to be honest, not only him.

I stopped staring at my badge and finally picked  it up, shoving it in my pocket. I grabbed my weapon and put it under my belt, hidden behind my coat. It was still chilly outside, so it was easy not to be so noticeable.

I grabbed my purse and finallly left my apartment, now on my way to the nearest coffe shop. I found it, a cupple weeks ago, when I tried to show Connor some perks of being a human.

I cursed under my breath. I thought, thaat maybe, just maybe I could be able to go for one day without thinking about him, but it seemed impossible.

I knew I shouldn't think about him again, but still, I let my mind wander to him again, as I got in line for my coffee.

Everything was going smooth, until it wasn't. Hank, Connor and I visited the Eden club today. And just like I said, it started good, but then things got out of hand. And while I ended up with a black eye from fighting the Android's, Conner was left confused, while Hank was angry. I felt like, after starting to trust Connor, this trust now started to slowly crumble again. 

So, as we visited the bridge, Hank and I used to come to, when I was still a rookie, things got even worst.

"Hank, knock it off!!", I yelled. He was pointing his gun at Connor. And oh boy, the Android didn't make it any better, provoking Hank further and further. 

"Whatever", Hank finally said and walked away. I watched as he walked back to his car and drove away.

"What was that all about!?"; I asked and turned back to Connor. The android looked at me, confused as hell.

"I am still trying to figure him out", he whispered and turned around, looking at the water.

I sighed and walked over to him, leaning against the railing.

"You need to stop provoking him, he has been through a lot. You have no idea, what a few words can do to a man!", I explained to Connor.

"Don't I?", he asked.

I chuckled and patted his shoulder:"You simply lack the experience"

"Experience?", he asked,"I am the most advanced android Cyberlife has to offer at the moment, I was built for this Job"

"I am not talking about the job, Connor.", I smiled sadly,"I mean life"

"Do you imply, that I don't know what he is going through, because I am no human?", Connor whispered, he was staring directly into my eyes. He almost seemed shocked.

"No Connor", I smiled,"For me, there is no difference between Android and human. What I mean is, that even though you are extremely skilled at your job, you don't have any life experience. You've only been activated a few months ago, your're still a child, trying to find it's place in the world."

"I have a place"; he stated blantly,"The DPD, and cyberlife"

"That's not, what I meant", I said and grabbed his hand,"I am sure you will understand soon. I will help you find your place"

I watched as Connor's LED started flickering yellow, while he inspected our interwined hands. 

"Do you really see no diference between Human and android?", Connor asked, his eyes suddenly avoiding me.

"No", I mumbled,"I don't care aout the colour of your blood, you're just as human, as I am and you deserve to be treated respectfully and not like you're objects"

I must've been mistaken, but I thought I saw his LED flash red, before he pulled my closer by my hand and softly kissed my head. I was too stunned to speak, as he leaned back.

"Thank you, Y/N, Your help means a lot to me. I hope that we can continue like this.", Connor stated.

"Of course, Connor. ", I smiled,"I am glad, we are friends"

"Friends", he repeated.

"Ma'm, your coffee is ready"

I snapped back out of my thoughts and looked at the man in front of me. I smiled at him and handed him the money before grabbing my coffee and leaving.

I slowly sipped my coffee, as I wandered around the streets. Signs of the protest's were still very visible. But we would built it up again, I was sure of it.

I made my way to the mall, looking if I could buy anything. But that dind't help. My mind was still with Connor and what happened next, after we got closer. My heart ached at the memory. After all that happened, I didn't even remember why I was so willing to get into a relationship with him. I should've known that he was only using me, that he was faking it all, to help our investgation. I still didn't know why he had to do this to me exactly, but after he became a deviant, we only saw eah other again one time and that was when we helped Hank get away from the fake Connor. 

That was the last time, I saw him. And even though, I still can't forgive him for what he did, I still hoped that he was alright, that he was alive and fine. 

"Well well, what do we have here?"

I instantly recognzed his voice and turned around:"Gavin, my lovely friend and colleague"

He smiled and I walked over to him, giving the man a welcome hug.

"Wanna go to work together?", he asked.

I smiled:"Sure thing"

We started to make our way to the police departement, indulging in a light conversation while we were walking. As we finally reached our destination, I said my goodbyes to Gavin and made my way over to my desk. Hank wasn't here yet, as usual. I sat down and got ready for paperwork, as I heard an all too familiar voice.

I peaked over my PC and I couldn't believe my eyes. Right there, talking to the comissioner, was none other that Connor himself.

"You've gotta be kidding me", I mumbled to myself and slumbed back down in my chair, hiding behind my monitor. He was right there, walking around, like nothing ever happened. Like he never betrayed me.

"It wil be nice to have you back, Connor. We can really use all the help we can get.", I heard the Commissioner say.

"Every help, my ass.", I mumbled to myself, as I got up. I wasn't planning on talking to Connor today or even encountering him again, so I made my way over to Gavin.

"Already missing me?", He grinned, as he saw me walking over to his desk. 

I smiled at him:"Always. Do you mind getting a coffee with me?Outside?"

Gavin looked at me, a confused expresssion on his face, but then his eyes wandered around my head and he nodded.

"Don't worry, I'll keep the tin can away from you.", he smiled and held out his arm for me.

I gently interwined my arm with his and smiled:"Thank you."

Together, we made our way out of the Police Station. Unbeknownst to the both of us,Connor had been watching us the entire time, analysing every single action of both, Gavin and me. He excused himself from his talk with the Commissioner and silently followed the two of us.

"What exactly happened between you two, if I may ask?", Gavin mumbled, as he sipped his coffee. 

"It's a long story", I answered, looking down, too ashamed of what happened between Connor and me,"But what you must know is, that I thought his feelings were real, but apparantly he was just faking it alll to help our stupid investigation."

"Oh",Gavin mouthed,"That plastic prick"

"Yeah", I sniffled,"I guess, it doesn't matter what the colour of your blood is, you can be an asshole anyways"

"I am truly sorry for what happended to you, Y/N", Gavin stated and stopped walking. He put both his hands on top of my shoulders,"And honestly, if he was only using you, he didn't deserve you anyway, you deserve better!"

I chuckled at his words:"That's what I keep telling myself, but I guess it's just all lies to make up for the fact, that I still have feelings for him"

"You do!?"

Gavin and I turned around in surprise, as I heard the voice of the man I least wanted to see right now.

"Have you been following us?!", Gavin barked,"For how long, you freak!?"

He was about to charge at Connor, but I stopped him:"Don't!"

Gavin hesitated for a second, but finally stepped back.

"Can we talk?", Connor asked.

"You plastic prick...", Gavin mumbled again. He was ready to beat the shit out of Connor, but I stopped him again. 

"You will talk", I whispered and looked at Connor,"I will listen and then we'll see if I have something to say to you"

"Thank you", Connor mumbled. He looked at me for a second, before sheepishly glancing at Gavin.

"I think, we'll be alright here, Gavin", I said to him. He looked at me and his features softened, his face was now full of concern.

"Are you sure?", he asked. I nodded:"I will be alright"

He only nodded at me before making his way back to the Police Station. But not before bumping into Connor's shoulder while walking past him. 

I looked after him, before turning towards Connor:"So, what do you have to say?"

He gulped heavily.

"Do you wanna walk a bit?", he asked first. I only nodded and we started walking.

"I don't really know how to start", Connor mumbled.

"Just...tell me how you feel", I said.

"I feel...pain, regret, hatred for what I did to you.", he mumbled. I didn't say anything and motioned for him to continue.

"After we...parted, I felt so lost. Like a part of myself had left with you. I didn't know what it was at first. But then, I went to Jericho and I became a deviant and only then I truly understood what I felt."

"What did you feel, Connor?", I asked quietly.

"I was lost within the darkness, but then I found you", he mumbled, cloing his eyes. I hesitated for a second, before grabbing his hand. He slowly opened his eyes.

"The only thing I need in this world, Y/N, it's you. I didn't realize it sooner, because I... lacked the experience, life experience.", Connor said.I chuckled at his reference. I felt him pull me closer by my hands. 

"But now I know, that everything I feel, the reason I became a deviant, it is because of you. Because I found you and I realized that I would never fall unless it's you I fall into"

"I believe you", I whispered,"But what you did Connor. It's gonna take time to heal"

He only nodded:"I realize that I made mistakes, that I cannot repair, I can only try to make up for them."

"You can indeed do that", I mouthed and looked up. He was only inches away from me.

"Connor?", I asked sheepishly.

"Yes?"

"How about you start with kissing me?", I mumbled.

I watched as a smile formed on his lips, before he leaned down, connectiong our lips. It felt just like I rememberd it, but it was still different. It felt more...human. I didn't sense the coldness of his lips or his friging fingers on my hips, all I could feel were his emotions. Love, Hunger...Devotion, but also pain and regret. It was something I had never felt before.

"You still matter to me", Connor breathed against my lips, "Very much"

"Thank you, Connor", I smiled,"For not giving up on us"

"I see, you two are talking again"

We turned around, as I heard the voice of none other then Lieutenant Hank Anderson himself.

"Hy Hank", I mumbled and greeted the old man with a smile.

"Lieutenant", Connor said.

Hank smiled and put a hand on each of our shoulders,"It's good you two are talking again, because we have been teamed up again."

I looked at him perplexed:"But we don't need a devision for deviancy anymore"

"No", Hank answered,"But murderers still very much exist, so let's get to work"

"Yes Lieutenant", Connor said.

"Still the obedient little machine, huh Connor?", Hank teased.

"I-", Connor stuttered.

"I'm just messing with you, son", Hank chuckled,"it's nice to have you back"

Connor smiled and looked down at me:"Nice to be back, Sir."

"So,", I smiled,"Let's get to work"

"Listen to the lady", Hank said and together, we made our way back to the Police Station. I guess, in the end, it wasn't too bad to meet Connor again, even though Gavin would beg to differ.

[theretirementstory]

Good morning from a cloudy Bar-sur-Aube where it’s currently 9c. I wouldn’t care if there was 6 feet of snow, I am home, with my son, just being in my own home has put a smile on my face.

I had settled myself at the hospital and was managing to eat a bit more than I had (not as much as I am eating at home). I was told I could eat a normal diet and so today we are booked to have lunch at the lovely restaurant. I am on three protein drinks a day, it’s good because sometimes I feel hungry just a couple of hours after a meal and these protein drinks are timed to have then.

So it’s “The Photographer” who has come to visit me and I was following his flight getting more and more excited at the prospect of seeing him. He hired a car at the airport and drove down first to see me in the hospital then onto my home. He thought the car was going to be a Mazda but no he is in a big Lexus 😳, it’s nice to sit in and he likes it to drive.

My friend Anie invited him for a small repas on Wednesday evening and although he had never met her before he enjoyed her company for a couple of hours. He said by the time he was leaving, his brain was frazzled and he could hardly string English words into a sentence never mind French!

I had to have an echocardiogram and electrocardiography but was told that my heart is strong and so the cardiologist confirmed I can have the treatment. It’s small steps but in the right direction.

Anyone who is a blood donor, I salute you! The platelet transfusions I have needed have been on an almost daily basis and without those I would have been in a pretty poor state.

The food at hospital seemed to improve (think it was just me feeling hungry). I was eating a big breakfast, sometimes lunch was the best meal or it was dinner but I also asked for yoghurts etc to eat at night.

The sport coach returned, he had had a weeks holiday, we did the exercises, I managed all repetitions and he was pleased. Not so when I cried off on Wednesday but it had been a busy day and I was exhausted.

Having unloaded a lot of the anxieties that had been with me about getting my affairs in order, I really feel lightened. Still got some things to do, and I will, but a lot of the mundane has gone.

So Friday I was released, oh wow did it feel good to walk into my house again and to gaze out at my flowers in the garden. Simple pleasures but they mean so much! I go back to the day unit on Monday afternoon for a transfusion and on Wednesday morning it is my PET scan but other than that, I am home, for the short term.

My neighbours asked if they could come to see me, of course they could, they were so happy. They said again that I don’t look ill and never have done. I said I am hungry all the time which they see as a good sign.

So what has been happening in the lives of my other members of the “clan”.

“The Trainee Solicitor” has been stressed with staff absences at work, they really need another couple of secretaries, then, he can move onto his training plan in earnest. Well he went to the boss with a plan, as far as I know that has been implemented and one interview has taken place with 🤞another couple due this coming week. It won’t make his job that much easier but he won’t have to be “firefighting” and can get on with his own caseload.

“The Reconnect Navigator” had a wonderful birthday. She said she had been totally spoilt! Well that’s what birthdays are about aren’t they? She is settling in at work and is looking forward to dealing with her own cases soon. The best day of the month is rapidly approaching, “pay day.” I still look forward to mine and it’s my pension 😂😂.

Now “The Jetsetter”, took off for Italy, she flew into Bologna, had a day in Venice and a day in Florence. How amazing! I know “apérol” has been consumed (I have seen the photos) but I imagine that there may well have been some “gelato” along with lasagne, mortadella and perhaps even Tigelle.

My gorgeous grandchildren are with their Mum and on Tuesday evening there was a video call in the hospital, it was good to see them as it was an added bonus.

I think “The Photographer” has enjoyed his stay in my house. He has been out and about, practising his French, at the Bar-sur-Aube football match yesterday taking photos. My house is so quiet too, it means that he can get a good sleep. He said the other night was amazing with such fantastic visibility that the constellations were on full view.

Oh don’t worry I hadn’t forgotten the music section. My first piece of music is by Stevie Wonder, so many to choose from but I like this from 1973 it’s “Higher Ground”. Second song is from 1990 it’s “In Private” by Dusty Springfield. Again this lady has such a catalogue of hits and I must say I am a big fan.

Wishing you all a great day, on this 17th March, St Patrick’s Day.

[nehirose]

like it would probably help if i ever actually talked about things anymore but see also: tired.

i've been out of work for a year. i was supposed to be able to take a break and then get back to it, but instead thing after thing that was more urgent priority and needed to be wrangled has happened. (this isn't isolated to me. by any stretch of the imagination.)

& the job hunt hasn't been great. the last interview i had was for mcdonalds and it went really well! but the gm was out of town and by the time they came back, the location had gotten more applicants. with prior experience. who got hired over me.

they still have the now hiring sign up. it was kind of a body blow to my ego but more importantly fed into the whole thing where -

i am struggling pretty hard with the recursive loop of untreated adhd making it like wading through hip deep cement to get anything - including and especially the things i desperately WANT to do and NEED to do to make any of this easier. get a job get insurance get meds. do paperwork get meds get job? - watch friends with more recent dx but usable insurance struggle to find providers get prescribed not just give up because they struggled their way into a stable place without help so what's even the point.

make art again. enjoy my hobbies again. which i have at least been actually functionally interested again?

partner has a good job and has been a godsend. we're much better off than we were a year and a few months ago, when i was the only one working. we consistently have rent covered, and money for food, the occasional action figure full of serotonin.

the schedule sucks (12 hour days dispersed out over a schedule that repeats every two weeks, rather than every week, and whether those 12 hours are 6am-6:30pm or 6pm to 6:30am switches every four weeks. it's predictable, just irregular, if that makes sense. we're currently on nights - well, i'm doing my best not to be, just adjusting the times for drop off and pick up. there ARE other shifts and teams available, buuuuuuu) uuuuuut the pay is amazing. by rights we should be fine all of the time, barring unforseen disaster. we're stable where we are -

it's just still a one bedroom shared with three people and two cats that is where none of us still want to be living.

we all need trips to the dentist. and follow up dental work. i need an eye exam and new glasses. i probably need to get my migraines more managed if i'm going to keep whatever job i do manage to get. the car needs headlights replaced and to investigate the horrible creaking noise when you are backing out in a turn. we should be doing a better job of trying to put anything into savings, but that's hard.

everything would be /just enough/easier with me bringing in any kind of income. possibly even better than good.

i've been beating myself up about this a lot.

i'm working on that.

i have an *incredible* team for support. my partner and my closest friend who i don't actually live with are both absolute rocks. patient as hell in all of this, but it's hard. willing to help me with getting things out & getting supplies acquired if i manage to get rolling on any one of multiple projects that are currently (finally) percolating. (my other close friends think i deserve to be able to have a break.) (i think that might be a middle ground.)

things ARE looking up. i'm still trundling ever forward and socially i'm so, so, so much happier and better off than i have been in a long time, it's just, y'know.

wading through slowly drying concrete is really, really hard. some days are better than others. things ARE going to improve, one stubborn step after another.

i'm just tired, man.

i'm tired.

i'll be okay.

(but i should probably go to bed.)

[ahnsael]

We got robbed at gunpoint over the weekend.

First time in almost 9 years of our operation that this has happened. When I saw the names of the suspects, I thought, “I know these guys” Not personally, but I am familiar with both.

I haven’t slept in almost 42 hours. I keep replaying it in my mind with different scenarios. If I go to sleep, those scenarios just will play themselves out in my subconscious. I may go a second day without sleep. I haven’t decided yet.

I KNOW this is not healthy. But my work family is my extended family. And they were in danger. AND I WAS ON A BREAK AND HAD NO CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON UNTIL IT HAD HAPPENED. I feel like I let them down. My adrenaline from the situation hasn’t faded. If I had beenin there with them and not on a break when it happened, I might have closure. 

I know I couldn’t have prevented the situation. But I would have been there with them. And I could have taken the hit (robbery) out of my drawer as a manager easier than it was for her as someone who is a casino attendant.I KNOW it’s’s not my fault (don’t go all Good Will Hunting on me with “it’s not your fault; I KNOW it is not but I am still allowed to feel bad that I wasn’t there for them when they needed me because I wasn’t informed until it was over).

Detectives wanted us to stick around for interviews. After crying on the shoulder of the one I felt I let down the most, they called my name and I said no. When I turned at my name, one detective said “Are you okay” as tears were streaming down my face. I said, “We were just robbed at gunpoint. You tell me if I am supposed to be okay.”

Another manager came in and I filled him in and he mentioned the HOURS of overtime I could have been getting, but I said “but then I would be drinking on the job and that would be bad.” And he said “If you are about to be interviewed by a detective, why are you drinking?”

“Because we were robbed at gunpoint this morning and we all agreed we needed a stiff one after that.”

We coped. We made jokes. We laughed together to keep from sobbing together. We were scared. I am still scared. I told one bos that I would not be getting any sleep and he took that to mean I was calling off and said “we’ll figure something out.” I had to reiterate that I would indeed be showing up to work, but that I would be emotional. I recognize the two who pulled guns on my extended work family.

They said that if we called the cops they would come back and shoot us all. I didn’t know that until AFTER I had called 911 to report the robbery. After another employee (he didn’t know the threat either) and I both called 911, deputies were EVERYWHERE. We went into lockdown mode. We chained and padlocked the doors shut (I was the one to do that, knowing that it might mean I would be the one to die if they did come back since deputies were already all over the place looking for them).

But the worse part was not being there for my extended family at work. If you know, you know. And ifyou don’t know, now you know.If you don’t see your coworkers,even the ones you don’t like, as extended family (who agrees with their uncle on everything?), you are in the wrong job. The fact that I wasn’t there for them hurts me.

I know it’s not my fault. Don’t you DARE tell me there is nothing I could have done. I know it’s not on me that I didn’t know what was happening. But I am still allowed to feel bad that I wasn’t there to take one for the team. My drawer would have gotten them a lot less money. Even if they knew about my second separate drawer with back up cash. I would have given them that too, if they mentioned it. They still would have gotten a lot of money, but not as much as they got.

One shot at a cop. He hit the cop’s car door and not the deputy. Thank goodness.

But my mom looked up an article and I saw the names and I immediately thought , “I know exactly who they are.” They were regular sports bettors. So apparently while they were placing sports bets (which they did do), they were also casing the joint. They put my extended family’s lives on the line for maybe a year and a half of salary at my pay grade. That will cost them both decades in prison. That pisses me off and puts me in a LONG line of people who want to be let into the jail to kick their asses. I am not a violent person. But they put the LIVES OF MY EXTENDED FAMILY on the line. And the fact that one of them shot at a cop proves he was willing to use that power.

Nothing pisses me off more than some coward, who is only a man if he has a gun to back him up,thinking it makes him a man. . I have no gun. If I had one, I would not be allowed to carry one at work.

But there is a LOT of discussion going around about how to to prevent this in the future. In almost nine years of being open, this is the first time we were successfully robbed. And while some ideas I agree with and some I do not, I welcome ALL ideas. The trouble is that I am the security department manager, and the security department consists of ONE security guard, and while he CAN look intimidating when he needs to, he is a eddy bear.

And he was off the day we got robbed.

But I am done waiting for detectives for hours. after work. They made me wait for four and a half hours and then called it off because I was emotional because I almost lost some of my extended family  If they want to interview me, I welcome it. But come in while I am on the clock. I am tired of working wrounf their schedule and getting no sleep as a result. I gave them my schedule. If they don’t come in, that’s on them. I waited 4½ hours after they arrived (6½ hours after the robbery) to talk to someone. At that point I was too upset and how everything was handled. I told the detective off and left.

They can interview me on MY schedule or not interview me at all. I played by their schedule and it messed me up sleepwise.

[pensat-i-fet]

The Journalist’s Footballer- Chapters Nineteen and Twenty (Rúben Dias)

Word count: 2281

Chapter 19:

Rúben

I can’t believe how easily Christina has dropped that bomb. Her working at City? Moving here? 

I then realise I’m almost begging her to say yes to the offer. To move to another city. As if it was that easy. I know how hard it can be.

“I mean”, I say, “it sounds like a good opportunity, right?”

“It is. A great one”.

“So you’ll say yes?”, I say, hopeful.

“99% sure I will”, she smiles. “You ok with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”, I ask confused.

“No reason. Just wanted to make sure you were ok with the decision”.

“Well, now you know I am”.

It’s the best news she could give me. I still will have to spend two months without seeing her, but then…then she’ll work with me. And live near me. 

“Where are you going to live?”

“Eh…I don’t know. I haven’t looked into it”.

“You could stay at my place”, I offer.

“What? Rúben, no! I can’t move in with you. You’re not going to let me pay for anything and…no. I refused my own parents’ help for a year to make it on my own, I can’t accept yours now. I won’t feel ok about it.”

I get that. And I really respect it. 

“Ok, how about this?”, I say. “If you say yes to the job and move here, you’ll do it while I’m away”.

“Yeah?”, she asks, intrigued with what I would say next.

“And I’ll need someone to look after my apartment. So how about you stay there, rent-free, and just make sure everything is fine while I’m away”. 

“I don’t know, Rúben. I…”

“Listen”, I interrupt. “You’ll have a couple of months to look at places where you can move when I’m back. And I won’t pay for anything”, I say, to appease her complaints. “You’ll still manage to save money. Doesn’t it sound good?”

I can almost hear her brain thinking.

“I guess that’s a pretty good idea…”

“Perfect!”, I say, beaming at her. “Let’s do this then”.

“I don’t know how you’ve managed to convince me, honestly”, she says, rolling her eyes at me, but smiling.

When we realize what time it is, we hurry to the car so she can make it on time to the train. Now it doesn’t feel that bad to separate from her. Knowing what the future holds.

Christina

Saying goodbye to Rúben at the train station was harder than it should have been. And I still can’t believe he’s convinced me to stay at his place while he’s away. But a part of me is happy about it. It’ll be easier to deal with the distance being surrounded by his things, right?

Wait, what if it’s worse?

But there is no time to think about it much because on Monday I have to go back to work. And face Matty.

When I get to the office, he isn't there. But Lewis is.

"Had a nice weekend?"

"I did. What about you?", I ask him. 

"I didn't get invited to any matches, so it was quite boring".

"Well, you'll have to work some more on your social skills. Maybe that's why no one wants you around", I tell him, adding a wink at the end.

He actually laughs.

When Matty gets to the office and sits in front of me, I can see him trying to catch my attention. But I ignore him. If I don't have to share a word with him again, it'd be for the best.

After noon, Dom finally has time to talk to me.

"So, what is it?"

"Well, this isn't easy to say but I have been offered another job".

"Ok", he says, clearly sad about the news. "I mean, I'm not surprised. Can I ask who wants to hire you?"

"Manchester City".

"Wow, ok!", he laughs. "That's no joke. Though, like I said, I'm not surprised. I knew you wouldn't last here long".

"I love it here. And I'm so thankful to you for everything you've done. But it's just an opportunity I can't say no to".

"I know, Chris. I wouldn't stop you from moving forward with your career. You know that".

"Thank you", I say sincerely. "I'll stay the next two weeks, as it says on my contract and I'll be able to do the interviews we had arranged".

"Always so professional", he laughs fondly. "City will be lucky to have you".

When I leave his office, Dom gives me a hug.

"We'll miss you a lot. You know that right?"

"I'll miss you too".

With a smile, he goes back to his office.

"Are you quitting?", says Lewis when I sit down at my desk.

"Ha! You wish. I got another job. I'll be leaving soon".

"You are leaving?", asks Matty. But I ignore him and continue typing.

**

The next day I get back to the office to find a big bouquet of flowers on my desk.

"Who sent this?", I ask.

"Your new employers", answers Lewis. "City, huh?".

"Yeah…City", I hear Matty muttering.

"Do you have something to say, Matthew?"

"Nothing I haven't said yet", he says, finding his courage all of a sudden. "Two dates with Dias and all of a sudden you work for City. Doesn't take a genius to guess how things work".

"Maybe, just maybe, he didn't have anything to do with this and I was offered the job because of my work ethic. Ever thought of that option?", I tell him. We are now both standing.

"Nah, I've been working with you for a while so it can't be that. It must be because you are sleeping with him. Too bad I never managed to get you to sleep with me. No matter how hard I tried to pretend to be your friend".

And that's the last straw. I slap him as hard as I can.

I hear Lewis gasp.

"What the fuck? You fucking bitch!"

"You don't get to talk to me like that ever again, Matthew. Fuck you!”

After that, I leave to buy some lunch. I mostly need the fresh air and to take deep breaths. Count to 10 maybe? I think I'm having a panic attack.

Chapter 20:

Rúben

"Sorry, I have to get this", I tell the boys before leaving the table to answer Christina's call.

"Hey, how are you?"

"I think I'm having a panic attack", she says.

"What? What happened?"

"I slapped Matty", she what? "And now I'm shaking".

"Did he touch you?", I said, worried.

"No, he was telling me I only got this job because according to him I’m sleeping with you and I got tired of his shit and slapped him".

"Can you breathe properly?", I ask, checking for anxiety symptoms.

"Yes. I just feel shaky".

"I think that's the adrenaline from slapping him. Not a panic attack".

"Oh", she says. "Right. It could be".

"Did it feel good?"

She laughs. "You have no idea".

I can't lie. I'm jealous of her right now.

"I'm so tired of them. Dom was so happy and proud of me. He is the only one that ever valued me, you know?"

"He's not the only one, Christina. Tom also did, which is why he offered you the job".

"I guess".

"You know what? I saw him yesterday before you called him to say you wanted the job and he was asking me to beg you to accept the offer because he knew you’ll be getting many more soon".

"Really?", she laughs.

"Really. You are valued. By so many people. Don't listen to those two idiots. It's their loss. They stay there while you grow".

"Thank you, Rúben".

"No need to thank me. I'm always here for you", I remind her. 

"I know", she says softly.

"Are you better now?"

"Yeah. I don't really want to go back to the office…oh God! I slapped Matty", she groans.

"He had it coming", I said shrugging, even though she can't see me.

"Maybe I can work from home…"

"Christina, go back to that office".

"Ok ok", she says laughing. "Talk to you later?”

“I’ll be patiently waiting for our evening facetime call”.

"Ok, until then".

"Bye!"

Christina

When I get back to the office, I see that Matty is gone. And so is my bouquet.

“Lewis, where are my flowers?”

“Matty threw them to the floor. I cleaned the mess”.

I take a deep breath.

“Do you want to know why I don’t like you, Christina?”, he asks, surprising me.

“Enlighten me”.

“My best friend didn’t get the job because of you”.

“What?”, I say. I didn’t know of other people applying for this job when I did.

“Yeah. And he said to me that it was because they wanted a girl, for diversity and stuff”.

“And you believed him?”

“At first, yeah”, he says. “Then I realised that even if that was Dom’s original reason, you deserved being here. But it still hurt that my friend lost to you”.

“So you treated me like shit for almost a year even though you knew you were being unfair?”, I say, not believing how petty he could be.

“Yeah, well…”, he says.

I get up from my desk to get the things I was printing from the printer.

“Everyone always praised you for how good you were, you know?”, he continues. “Always pointing out how brilliant it was that a woman was in this job, doing so well”.

“It’s not my fault other people put so much emphasis on my sex, is it?”

“I guess not”, he shrugs. “But it still annoyed me. And then you go and start hanging out with Dias and it pissed me off because I felt like you were throwing the opportunity of people taking you seriously to the bin".

“Lewis, be honest with me. Do you really believe I got the job at City because of Rúben?”, for some reason, I need to know his real feelings about this.

“No, I don’t. And I don’t know if you are dating him, sleeping with him or doing none of that. Nor do I care, I’m not Matty. But I know it isn’t because of him that you got the job”.

“Thanks”.

“Matty doesn’t believe it either. He just wants to punish you”.

“Well, that says it all about him, doesn’t it?”, I say, annoyance mixed with hurt.

**

The next two weeks are a mix of emotions. On the one hand, the excitement of my move and the prospect of a new job. On the other, the days at the office.

The tension could be cut with a knife. But thankfully, there is only one day left. And I’ll spend most of it interviewing Eric Dier. Best way to finish my time here.

When I finally get to the Tottenham Training Centre, I pinch myself. I can’t believe I’m here. My dad is so jealous.

The interview with Dier goes so well. He’s really funny and I know the viewers will particularly love the final bit of the video, where he’s answering their questions.

“Thanks, Eric, that was brilliant”, I say, shaking his hand.

“It was my pleasure. I heard this is your final interview for this channel and you are a Spurs fan. Nice send-off, huh?”, he laughs.

“Couldn’t ask for a better one”, I say with a silly grin on my face. “Do you mind taking a photo with me? For the promotion of the interview and also because, you know, you are you”.

“Let’s do it”, he says, standing next to me with a big smile on his face.

“Thank you, it was a pleasure meeting you”.

“Pleasure was mine. Good luck on your next job”.

“Thanks!”

On my way back from the office, I get a call from Rúben.

“Hello, dear landlord”.

“Hi! How was the interview with Dier?”

“Oh my God! I loved it! He’s so great!”, I say, grinning again.

“Not that great, he used to play for Sporting”, he says, sounding annoyed.

“Huh?”

“My rivals. Back in Portugal”, he clarifies.

“Oh, right. Your Arsenal”.

He laughs. “Yeah, my Arsenal”.

“So”, he says. “Are you going to Brighton tomorrow then?”

“Yes, first thing in the morning. Everything is packed and ready to go to Manchester, so I can relax properly while I’m there”.

“And watch me beat Spurs”, he laughs.

“Do you realise I’ll be living in your apartment for two whole months? I can get my revenge in many ways, pretty boy”.

That only makes him laugh louder. We keep chatting until I get to the office. Given the current mood, there is no farewell party for me. But Dom wants to take me out for lunch, which I’m really looking forward to.

“To you being a superstar”, Dom says, raising his glass of wine.

I laugh and blush. “Thank you. You’re a big part of my path. I won’t forget that”.

“Christina, I know the last couple of weeks haven’t been easy for you. But you are about to start a huge period of your life. You’ve already found people who want to bring you down, but the higher you get, the more you’ll find them. Be smart and be careful”.

“I will”, I say, going over what he just said in my mind.

After our lunch, we go back to the office and I get all of my things for one final time.

“Bye, Chris. Good luck!”, says Lewis after a very awkward hug. 

“Thank you, you too”.

I give one final look to Matty, who doesn’t even raise his eyes to look at me. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe we should just both forget about each other.

[dyketennant]

i really don't like coming online to beg with everything going on; however, i am very pressed about my financial situation this upcoming semester and i really need to get transport situated by august (my city's public transport sucks ass).

for context, i'm currently working a customer service that, while it pays well, has led to me developing wrist problems that make it difficult for me to function. i am starting a new job in the fall that will open up more creative opportunities for me; however, it pays less, and i'm struggling to figure out how to manage transport to both that and uni. i have a lot saved up for a car, but cars and gas are stupid fucking expensive in the u.s., and i'm trying to build up an emergency fund.

i'm not asking for donations (unless you're feeling super generous), however i am opening writing commissions. i can do freelance poetry, script writing, short stories, oc work, whatever. (*edit: as long as it is not too graphic and/or goes against my morals.)

i'm also more than happy to edit your writing, creative or otherwise, as i have a lot of experience in that. dm me and we can work out a rate depending on length & content.

here is my ko-fi. my current rate is one poem = one coffee. for other pieces, dm me for my rates. i also take venmo and paypal if that's easier for you.

i'm a nonbinary lesbian hoping to work in the creative field sharing queer stories, and i'm trying to build up a base for that while also being able to sustain myself with my work. if you're interested in a commission or working with me, please reach out; i also have experience with podcasting and editing.

thank you so much for reading this all the way through!! i'm sorry it was so long, i genuinely feel shitty with everything going on in the world, but i really need to build up a savings account. again, i am not asking for money without a service in return. thank you again :) <3

[3rd-decade]

The healing is not my fault but it is my responsibility.  It’s wild how almost everything on this list I feel, know I’ve faced (am facing,) or I’ve worked past. Most of them I’m still working on. 

Guilt

I really don’t feel guilt about anything. I used to have inklings of survivor’s guilt. Well, I guess I’ve obsessed over guilt when I’ve done something I know I shouldn’t have or wish I could’ve made better choices - I thought that was just human tho. 

Feel Abandoned

Very often I do feel abandoned if I’m not invited somewhere or introduced to someone. I notice this most in my intimate relationships - if they go out and I’m not invited (knowing that we both need our individual time and space and wanting that... but also feeling as though I want to feel important enuf to also be invited even if I’m not too keen on the folk.) A handful of times I can also recount where I felt abandoned or betrayed by my partner of the time because they chose a different outing instead of one with me. If I’m out in a crowd or group of people and I see people talking I usually think they’re talking about me or judging me. If someone doesn’t talk to me or say hi I automatically think that they hate me or something - although there are cases of envy, jealousy and what not it’s not the case every time.  Over Responsible

Over responsible, I’ve felt this in my personal relationships; family, friends and lovers. Like I need to constantly go the extra mile to provide things that will make their life easier - even though it’s something that they should and can handle by themselves.  Obsessively Worry What Others Think Of You

I fasho obsessively think about what other people may think of me. That’s one of the major things I want to change about my mind frame - to not give a fuck and just be me 1000%. From what I wear, what I do, where I go, how I dance, what I say, what I create, etc etc. I owe it to my younger Self, present Self and future Self to just let it all hang out and BE. Even now as I type this on my Tumblr with 0 followers or onlookers I’m editing what/how I say something with the other in mind. 

Never Feel Good Enough

I used to never feel good enough but this is definitely something that I have moved past. There might still be moments and triggers but for the most part I know that I good enough and in some instances more than good enough. 

Immature Dysfunctional Parents All 4 of my parents were immature to to an extent and definitely dysfunctional but doesn’t mean they were without love and care - one set of parents struggled with addiction issues and the other set of parents were very young when they took guardianship of me. So, they were really kids themselves trying to raise a highly traumatized child.  You Feel Stuck And Don’t Know How To Change It Been here way too many times. The feeling is in my chest a bit - these past 3 years I’ve felt this; knowing I didn’t want to stay in the situation or city I was/am in. I’m to a point now where I’m making changes - I got a 2nd job to aid in paying things off so I can save up for my own place and car. I’m working out, getting my body and mind back, creating a routine that works for me.  You Cling Or Push People Away Yeah, this is a major one I’m really still trying to manage and figure out. It’s almost as if I’ve spent so much of my life pleasing others, chasing others that I want them to please me and chase me even if I push them away. It’s like I’m almost testing people to see how much they really care or love me (?) But I know sometimes when I really just want to be held and nurtured I end up pushing people away that try to do that. Then there are moments where I am clingy to a person when I was just pushing them away. And now that I’m typing this out it reminds me of my relationship with my biological mom - I don’t think she intended to push and pull but that’s what the addiction did to her and since my birth it’s been engrained in me in a way. I know it’s very possible to undo that pattern and create a new one. It’s mandatory at this point especially with how I want to create meaningful, lasting relationships with friends, family and lovers. I need to learn how to accept and receive without worrying if they’re going to leave.  Rocky, Unfulfilling Relationships I’ve definitively had my fair share - more than the good, solid and stable ones. Working on this majorly because I’m ready for a peaceful, emotionally intelligent and unconditionally partnership in love.  You Stay When You Should Go Yeah. It’s like, I have to see it through and if there’s anything else I can do I want to do it. But no, I know it’s not beneficial for my mental or physical health. Working on this, and I mean in a way all these things work together. When I learn to heal the root then theoretically all these things should change/heal as well. 

[luxlucis3]

Lifestyle the Luxury Life

At present, just about any job may be possible from home: from artwork design, financial study to trading. Not long ago a friend of my verizon prepaid phone suggested we perform neurolinguistic programming (NLP) session on Skype. I was floored that her purchasers were buying the products and services she would provide via the internet rather than in-person, which might cost more.

Globalisation has undoubtedly adjusted our lives: this languages we connect, the food we consume, the way we attire and even the way you work. I can have Casablanca, deliver modules in a local or even and deal with this London clients. I'm also able to work with my organization a bit everywhere in the society and coordinate functions or content for ones Leader World. Much of our managing editor is reliant in Virginia, NORTH AMERICA, but this doesn't necessarily stop us out of communicating and consistently thinking, creating together with sharing…

Communications possess definitely been one of the many drivers of this cutting edge way of working and additionally living. Phone in addition to Internet make much of our lives much easier. Along with VoIP broke completely new groups of working with openness and mobility concurrently. Recently, I provided a lecture to be able to American students inside Kansas, in between get together in London along with through my computer at the British Catalogue. They didn't find out where I ended up being until the moderator questioned.

Timothy Ferriss is right to write to the cover of her book 'Escape your 9-5. Live at any place. And join the revolutionary rich. ' My partner and i was never a good fan of in offices. I usually felt suffocated.

I recall myself complaining together with my mom indicating me that 'it was life and this I would get used to this eventually. ' We knew that was possibly not for me. I had to bring about my own job and additionally choose where I needed to work. In other words, become free to work exactly where I wanted to. Nowadays, with a laptop as well as a phone line, I will work from almost anyplace. I still didn't managed to work solely 4 hours in one week like Ferriss advocated, but I am not really complaining.

At times 'I am at home' can make people believe I mean 'I here's free', but it is really certainly not the case. At times I also think about what the concierge of the building is required to be thinking, seeing your car in the car lot not push for days in addition to wondering how I will stay in for that long without stepping out and about. He must think that I have inherited some bucks or won a lottery.

The reality is various because working from home would not exactly mean watching youtube and being bought doing that. I actually still have to juggle many things at the same time: seminar calls, emails, records, reading, writing and many thinking… Sometimes I may have to do all that along with worry about doing a lot of housework too. Even so the advantages of working from home tend to be countless. I can take pleasure in being with a loved ones while being employed and also eat selfmade healthy food, which isn't actually always the case the moment eating out.

[seethingbazel]

When I was 18 I worked at McDonald’s.

It was a privately owned one, and the woman who owned it was one of those people that thought two very specific things.

1. She -owned- McDonald’s. Not just her store, but she had an ego the size of earth and thought her one measly family owned store meant she OWNED the franchise.

And 2. She was the ✨Manager✨ and that made her a god among dirt. Not men. Dirt.

I remember being really really good at the drive through window so that’s where they always put me. Until I came back from the military and suddenly my Tinnitus was so loud I couldn’t hear over the “beeping” and she took that personally. She told me if I quit that she “won”. That I needed to “better myself” and I tried. I thought

“Maybe this is encouragement. Maybe she’s right.”

Until the day my best friend was in a car accident. And then the day after my cat died and that same day I fell on the job.

I remember crying in the deep freezer.

“Why can’t I just get paid to do nothing?” Clearly nothing would be SO much easier than this.

And today? I’ve not left my bed since I woke this morning at 7am. It’s 4pm.

I’ve been on disability for almost 4 years, and it’s a curse. My legs hardly work, I was recently diagnosed with Melanoma, narcolepsy makes day to day things a nightmare. Appointments are impossible without a car or anyone here that cares about my life.

It begs the question; am I really even supposed to have made it this far..?

There’s literally nothing good in my physically life right now.

And there hasn’t been for years.

My kitten is here. But I can’t talk to her like I can a person.

“Home is where the heart is.”

And mine lives 800 miles away.

Idk

[lokigodofaces]

if this is not the final roommate post i'm gonna scream

I literally moved out over a week ago, but here I am.

Real fast so that things make sense, I despise the "forgive and forget" ideology, I think it's terrible and dangerous. I personally define forgiveness as less about the person who did the bad thing and more about the victim. I dunno, this is an unpopular view probably, I'm from a minority religion so that's where this comes from, but I view forgiveness as more about the victim moving on from what happened and not letting whatever it was tie them down (not a very good explanation but whatever). Just getting that out of the way so things make sense in case I talk about forgiveness (I don't edit these posts because I struggle with editing personal stuff like this, it's easier to just throw it all in a post in a semi-coherent way).

I'm just annoyed because I haven't seen them since the 20th, and stuff keeps happening still. And the times it's happened, I've been not really thinking about them. Like I haven't completely moved on, right, but I was definitely in the process. And then something happens that drags me into the emotional mess this has caused me again.

The first time was pretty meh. I was the last person to move out, so I had to deal with anything that was left by anyone. And if it was a few things, I wouldn't mind that much. But there was so much stuff. I had to completely clean parts of the kitchen again because they managed to get stuff dirty in less than a day. They took none of their food with them, and I had to throw away most of it because there was no way most of it would last in 5 hours in a car when it was 100 degrees outside. Wouldn't last for them either, but this was right after everything, and I had only had a day without them in my lives. And none of them told me they were going to leave all of their food (it was like six bags I had to throw out!). So I was stressed about that because wasting food is really hard for me. But, I understand that this really was small, and I was just still emotional from the rest of the semester. But I was upset because I was hoping that I'd be able to move on now that they weren't living with me, but, nope, stuff kept coming back.

And then last night. So I said before that one of them gave me an apology note and I highlighted the problems with it. And I've kind of just, pushed it out of my mind (until now). I was coming back home, trying to get a full time job, I've had 2 dental appointments, I have an optometrist appointment this week, I'm still not unpacked, my family got back from a vacation right before I moved back in, things have just been crazy. So I'm only now (sorta) at a place mentally where I can think about it. And I've figured I'd text her some response, I just wanted to wait until my emotions have cooled down a bit more so that I wouldn't say something I'd regret. Well, around midnight last night I got a text from the other roommate also apologizing. Didn't say much, just:

"Hey, I just wanted to apologize for not being the best roommate."

Not much of an acknowledgement of what it was that was hurtful. And this is more than a week after I last saw her. I didn't expect anything from her at all (and I was fine with that! I don't want anything to do with them!). So this is what has thrown me into another loop. I was prepared to text the other one (well, I wasn't, but much more so), but I don't want to hear from them really, even for an apology. Because neither of them really mean it. I know this because, again, Ellie did not get an apology. So this has pushed me way back on my process of letting go.

1) I want them to just leave me alone. Honestly, I don't care if they apologize or not. I just don't want to deal with them again, and I thought I wouldn't have to.

2) Again, why are they apologizing to me and not Ellie? Really, they treated Ellie worse. I haven't said all of it because it's not all my story to tell, but Ellie deserves an apology more than me. At least they pretended to be nice to me. One was only ever nasty to Ellie.

3) If they're apologizing to me, I'm pretty sure it's only because I actually said something about how we felt. They were having their chat and I came in and told them what really happened to Ellie and I (I emphasized Ellie and I being in the same boat). So now they're trying to apologize to me because I made them feel bad. But if they were really apologetic, they would apologize to both of us, even though Ellie was not a part of this conversation. I'd rather no apology over a fake one.

4) How am I even supposed to respond? I'm sure they're wanting me to be all like, "It's okay, I forgive you guys, most of it was my fault anyway haha." Heck no. Yes, I'm going to get over this sooner or later. But that doesn't mean everything is all good. They still caused so many problems that had consequences. Consequences I'm going to have to live with. But I feel like it reflects badly on me if I don't acknowledge there was an attempt at apologizing. But how am I supposed to do that without being accusatory, showing how I feel, not letting them think I'm okay with what they did, etc? How? I'm probably going to wait until Saturday to think about it and come up with something to say. I will take any suggestions because I have no idea what to do. But does it make sense why I feel I need to say something? It just feels like that if I don't say something, I'm just being bitter, and I don't want to give them anything else to talk behind my back about.

5) Okay, so this is an irrational fear. And I get that. But I just kind of need to voice it (and my mouth has been numb for hours so that won't happen verbally for a while it seems so I may as well say something here). So, part of me is worried that one or both of them will try to be all kind now and try to be my friend. But I want nothing to do with either of them! I just want them to leave me alone, and I'll leave them alone! And the thing is, they had their chances to be my friends. They had a whole semester to get their act together and to be decent to Ellie and I. Why would I ever want to associate with them again? All I want to do is stay away them. There's no way I can trust them now, and I have every right to keep myself out of a situation with them where I could get hurt. I know I have no real reason to think this could happen (well...one of them did say she wished she knew me better, and that has lead to my line of thinking), but it's not like both of them have done much to help me not stress. I'll figure out what to do, but only if it happens. Right now, I'm trying to convince myself I'm being paranoid. Though I might just block them if they become an issue.

So, yeah, I am going to have a mental breakdown if this is not the last one of these posts. Hopefully it is. Thank you for helping me through it. If you have advice for that apology stuff, message me or put it in the replies.

[lyresearch53]

I love watching TV shows where they take the time to discover rare and wonderful sound track music selections to create a relaxing atmosphere.

Dark TV Series is where my obsession and latest fascination comes from. https://youtubetomp3music.me/yt-playlist-download I'm now in season 3 and can't stop watching. Although it's not my favorite show I've seen better. But there are 2 things about the show that I just love and don't see anywhere else. One of them is the precise casting work of casting agents. If casting agents present three or more versions of the same person who differ in increments of 33 years old I believe that this illustrates my point. Another thing that is unique about the show is its music. Sure the story needs to be mentioned, and obviously story gets position 1 in this list of incredible things about Dark. But, we're not going discuss the plot, twists, and crazy developments of the TV Show. We will focus on the music. They have done an amazing job with their music selection. They have the ability to choose the appropriate songs that build or destroy the mood during key events in their show. And they do it. It is impossible to imagine how the show would have been possible without music.

That strange lullaby is probably the most memorable and ear-worming song I can remember at the moment. I'm not sure if TV shows have to mention the song at the close. Or maybe they just locate songs in the public domain that don't require to be acknowledged. Because the title wasn't there however, I do remember that I had to find the song's lyrics using. I find the Youtube page with this song. Bonaparte is the one who uploaded it. I'll leave you the job of finding the song's name. You can search the lyrics to find it, such as "You maintain your lights on. You keeps the lights on. The lights are always on." The video is here. Are you awestruck? It's the most bizarre tune, but it's so appealing... The music and the show is my passion. I enjoy the music so much, that I've decided to make my own mixtape. I used convert-to-mp3 to save all the music on CD maker. The two CDs were designed for me. In normal times, I'd download videos from Youtube. But this time I realized that the music I was searching for was available on CDs. Are you an old-fashioned person? or am I an older person? Don't let me fool you. I have a fantastic audio system in my car. Although the audio you download from Youtube doesn't produce good sound, and definitely lacks bass.. The encoder is mp3-based. It cuts frequencies to levels that are barely audible to human ears, and removes many of the almost useless audio. This makes mp3 files smaller and easier to manage. Before going to bed I go through the videos that I have stored on my tablet. The boombox can be connected via blue tooth , and it emits music, which produces a great range of sounds. I don’t use MP3 at home, so I can enjoy music while watching videos. Since mp4 is what I use on my tablet, They were quick to download and easy to convert using online mp3 converters. You can also gain access to the site quicker with the webapp. The search engine integrated into Youtube lets you search for videos and save them as MP3 or mp3 files to your device. Easy as day, you are now able to create your own mixtape of music from Dark. or any other show on television or film. This concept has endless potential because all the great music of today, tomorrow, or fifty years ago can be readily available on Youtube, as long as you remember the title, or maybe a few lines from the lyrics.

[ijustwant2write]

Reconnect-Finn Shelby x Reader

(GIF credit to @peakystitches​)

Masterlist

Tags: @captivatedbycillianmurphy​ @jenepleurepasbaby​ @amirahiddleston​ @bloodorangemoonlight @haphazardhufflepuff​ @mzcrazy2​

Requested by anonymous: ‘Hello! May i request an either tommy or finn shelby x reader? (Whicheverr one u think suits best) for this prompt i found: character A and B have been in a longterm relationship and nothing can get in between, until one day something does and they drift away. But then they reconnect emotionally and everything feels like the first time again (first kiss, first meal together etc) 🙏🏼💜 i love ur writing thank u’

Characters: Finn Shelby x Reader, Polly Gray x Reader (platonic)

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

Warnings: Swearing, arguing, finance issues, drinking, fluff

                                    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Finn, is that you?" I called out from our bedroom as I heard the front door open. I tensed up when I didn't hear a reply, only to let out a sigh when I heard him giggling.

He was drunk again, it happened almost every week now. Tommy would have given him something important to do for the gang, and whether or not Finn succeeded with that task, he would go out and celebrate with his mates. I would sometimes tag along if I wasn't tired from the week of working, but after seeing our finances, I realised we needed to stop acting like teenagers and start saving wisely.

"Hello my gorgeous girl." he slurred out as he entered the room.

"Hello Finn." I replied as I received a sloppy kiss to my forehead.

He flopped down beside me in bed, taking the book out of my hands and throwing it to the floor. Finn wrapped his arms around me, snuggling into my lap. I took off his hat, stroking back his hair. He was cold from the brisk walk home, causing me to shiver.

“You should have come out tonight." he said.

"I got off work late."

"He kept you again?"

"No, I decided to stay."

"Why? You always say you're tired."

"I'm tired because I'm picking up extra shifts and hours so that we can start saving up for a house."

"I've told you, we don't need to worry about that. Business is good."

"Finn, we're not going to be given the money. We have to earn it."

"Tommy will help us."

"He might help but he won't give us a lot. And even if he did hand us a house, we've got to have enough money for the bills, furniture-"

"It will be fine."

"Finn, we've not even had our wedding yet!"

We had been engaged for half a year. We were wanting to be married sooner, but problems arose with the Peaky Blinders it distracted us both from it, especially since our lives were in danger. I desperately wanted to have enough money for the wedding and house, though it looked like it was going to be one or the other at this point.

"What's wrong with the flat?" Finn now sat up.

"Did you seriously ask me that question? There's only so much I can do to this dump to make it look somewhat liveable. It just doesn't feel like home."

"We'll get the money. Don't worry. Look, look," he took my hands in his,"we will get a house. I promise. And believe me, I want to marry you as soon as I can, there needs to be another ring on that finger. And I need to see my name at the end of yours."

I stupidly believed him. Those adoring eyes I once trusted had lied to me. Finn kept his promise for a week at max, soon breaking it. I didn't mind him going out with friends, we both needed to socialise, I just disagreed with the amount of times he was out and the amount of drinks he was buying each night. He would always offer to get the next round, and although he was a Shelby, the discounts didn't make much difference at the end of the night. I decided I had to go with him to ensure that our money wasn't being poured away, struggling to stay awake for those long nights, and making work even harder every day. It was impossible to keep an eye on him like that.

Usually Finn would tell me if he was going out that night so I wouldn't worry. That stopped too. My mind was never at ease. How did I know he wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere after a job gone wrong? Or what if he was trapped somewhere by a rival gang? I could only rest when he returned, which he always luckily did. I pretended to be asleep, trying to not push him away as he slipped his arms around me, cuddling me for the rest of the night. My patience began to grow thin. I was too scared to speak up about it, worried that we would just end up having an argument. However, I knew we would have to bring it up soon, because our money was only disappearing instead of increasing.

One morning when I was leaving for work, I noticed that the drawer we locked our savings away in was slightly ajar, meaning someone had unlocked it and stupidly left it open. Of course it had to be Finn, no one had broken in during the night. My eyes widened when I saw how much he had taken, enraged that he would think me so foolish. Why would he take the money without asking? What was he using it for?

As I stormed towards the shop, I heard whooping from men in a car further up the street. My face turned into a deep frown when I recognised the car, managing to catch a glimpse of the people in it. They hadn't seen me, and I had to make sure my eyes were deceiving me.

I didn't care about the looks on me as I burst through into the shop, making a beeline for Polly's office. I harshly knocked on the door, entering when she called me.

"(Y/N)? What's wrong?" she asked, a lit cigarette in hand.

"Where's Finn?"

"Off out with his brothers, why?"

"Where are they going?"

"To the races."

I scoffed, placing a hand on my head in defeat.

"Why? What's wrong with that?"

"He told me he would be in the office all day today."

"So? Things change."

"No, he specifically told me that. I never even asked about it. He made a point meaning he didn't want to risk me waltzing in. That means he's hiding something."

"(Y/N), they're only going to bet on horses today. They're mingling."

"They're betting today?!"

She stood, putting a hand on her hip."What am I missing here?"

"Pol, he's using money that we don't have! I need a car, I need to get to him."

"Look, even if my nephew is being the biggest idiot, it's a bad idea to go there."

"Why?"

Her eyes widened."Don't snap at me young lady."

"I'm sorry, I just, I just know he's going to be stupid with what little money we have at the minute."

Polly was silent for a few seconds, and I didn't know if she was just staring me out, trying to make me leave. Perhaps she didn't think it was anything to worry over. But it was to me. She surprised me when she went into one of her drawers, pulling out a set of keys.

"Come on. I'll get one of the girls to call your work, say you're sick."

I tightly clasped my hands together as Polly drove. I was furious, trying to think of what to say to Finn when I got there. He stole our money. He went behind my back, gambling away the money we worked hard to earn. I had never said it, but Finn had it much easier than I did. For one, he worked with family, and although I liked my job, the boss could sometimes be an arsehole; second, he earned a lot more than me, so he was the bigger breadwinner between us, but I worked longer hours. Yes, he was in a gang meaning he had more days where his life was under threat, but he seemed to be having a jolly good time anyway. Really, it wouldn't have mattered who worked longer or harder, or who earned more, it was still our money to spend on our house.

As soon as Polly parked up, I was straight out of the car. She quickly followed grabbing my arm and warning me to not get lost in the crowds. I couldn't make a scene, especially since there could be potential business partners or enemies about. I refrained from rolling my eyes, knowing she was right but also knowing that I would find it extremely hard to not scream at Finn.

Polly guided me to where the men would be, ignoring the shoving and shouting. I wished for her to walk quicker. We swiftly entered the posher boxes, almost stopped by a doorman until his accomplice shut him up. I even heard him whisper 'That's Polly Gray you idiot.', the one time I was glad we had a reputation. She only paused to scan the room for the boys but I spotted them first. Quickly moving past her, I couldn't stop my fists from clenching, seeing Finn joyfully drinking and laughing with his brothers only added fire to my fury.

"Finn!" I snapped, quickly catching his attention.

"(Y/N)?" he exclaimed, struggling to stand and clattering the plates and glasses on the table."W-what are you doing here?"

"Stopping you from spending our money like a fucking idiot! Where is it?"

"Oh, Finn boy is in the doghouse." John chuckled.

"Shut up!" I fiercely pointed at him.

"Where's what?" Finn brought me back.

"Our money!"

"I told you, you do this outside." Polly warned, shoving Finn in that direction, and I knew I had to follow him.

Luckily, we were left alone. Finn continued on, finding someplace we would be alone. Once we were in the clear, the distant roar of the crowds covering our conversation, I saw him sigh quietly, running a hand down his face when he realised what was coming.

"Where's the money Finn?" I asked, calmer but with a mean tone.

"Let me explain first.”

"Explain how you took our money without asking? How you just waltzed out this morning without consulting me?"

"Tommy said that there was a good chance, a very good chance that this horse would win, and I thought it would help us if we put our money on it. Imagine how much we'll have if it wins!"

"If it wins Finn, if! You're gambling our money, why would you do something like that?"

"Because you went on about not having enough money! And here I am trying to help!"

My mouth dropped open in shock."You really don’t see the problem here."

"No, actually, I don't." he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Finn, you stole money from the drawer! You then go behind my back and bet it away. Have you thought about what we'll do if that horse loses?"

"But it won't, Tommy said."

"And what if Tommy is wrong this time? Also, don't pin this on your brother, I know he hasn't even suggested this idea."

"I'm not-urgh!" Finn groaned."Why don't you trust me?"

"I can't trust a gamble Finn. I don't think you realise how many nights I've spent lying awake, worried that we'll never have enough for our own home, and thinking that you don't even care anymore."

"Of course I care. This is why I've bet the money."

"How is this not getting in your head?"

"(Y/N)," he took my hands in his, but I couldn't even look at him,"in a few minutes we will hear them announce the winner, and we will start jumping for joy when we realise how much money we're going to get back, and we're going to be so much closer to getting our home."

"Finn, I desperately want to believe that. But even if we do win, you're in deep trouble." I took my hands away from him, turning around. I couldn't even look at my own fiance.

On queue, we heard a man come over the intercom, it was muffled to me but I knew Finn was listening intensely. Glancing over my shoulder, I watched for his reaction, turning around fully when I saw his expression. We had lost. We lost all that money.

"How could you be so fucking stupid?!" I screamed at him, throwing slaps onto his chest."Why couldn't you just listen to me? I don't understand why you had to lie to me Finn!"

I broke down crying, shoving him away from me. My sobs were loud but I didn't care. Finn could watch, see how much he upset me. My heart sank at the thought of it all gone, Finn had left scarcely any money in the drawer back at the flat.

"I'm sorry (Y/N)." Finn pathetically said.

"You know how you always go on about your family never trusting you enough for the big jobs? That you never get to go out with them and help? This is why. Because you do things like this, you fuck everything up Finn. Fuck!" I wiped away my tears, even though more spilled out."You know I've always stuck beside you, but this is the last straw Finn. I can't be with someone who doesn't want to put effort into their future."

"What are you saying? (Y/N), I can fix this. I promise I'll get the money back, I'll-"

"How? That took us so long to build that up. And you were spending our money almost every night on useless drinking. I can't Finn, I can't live like that anymore."

He ducked his head, and I almost wanted him to say something. When he didn't, I knew what I had to do.

I took a deep breath before speaking."I'm going home. I suggest you stay at Polly's tonight."

"Let me take you home-"

"No!"

"What's going on?" Tommy suddenly appeared, he, his brothers and Polly approaching.

"Your nephew, your brother, just gave away almost all of our money betting on a horse. Not only that, but he took the money without telling me. That was money for a house." I angrily explained.

"Is that true Finn?"

Finn shamefully nodded.

"We can get you your money back (Y/N)."

"It's not about that Tom. He's lied to me. He promised me he wouldn't spend our money every week, yet he did. And then he takes our money without asking me about it first."

"I'll fix it (Y/N), I promise I will." Finn was begging at this point.

"Another promise that you're bound to break. I've had enough today."

"Let's get you home love." Polly said, putting a stop to this argument as she stepped forward, taking me under her arm.

Finn didn't come home that night. I didn't sleep. I was sat at the tiny dining table, staring at the ring on my finger, wondering what to do. It broke my heart to think about leaving him, but it also broke my heart thinking about how reckless he had been. Did I really want to be marrying someone who acted like this? Would he mature? My heart wanted to believe he would, but my mind kept telling me that today confirmed he wouldn't. That was one of the worst nights of my life.

                                     *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I couldn't stand this job any longer. But it was the only thing keeping me alive. It was crappy work, the pay was just above minimum, enough for me to buy food, pay my rent and have the tiniest amount left over. Saving up money was hard when it was just you. Even after two years, I didn't have enough to consider looking at places of my own, or with less roommates. It was exhausting keeping up with these girls I lived with, there were 6 of us altogether. It was a big change when I moved away from Small Heath.

"You ready (Y/N)?" one of my roommates called out to me as I finished applying my lipstick.

"Just a second!" I replied, checking myself in the mirror.

It was the rare occasion that I was going out with them, the one time we could all go out together at all. I was looking forward to a few drinks, and although that sounded hypocritical, I realised that I had to have a night or two in at least a month to relieve myself of the stress I put upon myself.

We arrived at the small club we always went to, it had the cheapest drinks this side of town. We all shivered in the cold weather, walking as fast as we could to make it to the club. The warmth was very welcome, as well as the loud music that drew us further in. It was the usual routine, a few of us grab a table, the others get the drinks in, then we would all make our way to the dance floor. Hours passed, and I had to get away from the heat coming from the dancing, stepping back towards our table to get a drink. I saw my roommate stumbling in the direction of the bar, rolling my eyes as I went to help her, perhaps getting a drink whilst I was there. However, once I got closer, I stared at the man she was starting to flirt with.

"Isaiah?" I said as I got closer.

"(Y/N)!" he smiled, bringing me in for a hug.

"You two know each other?" my roommate asked, looking disappointed.

"He's an old friend. Just that, nothing else."

Isaiah let me go."How long has it been? Two years?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, two years. What are you doing here?"

"Business. Nothing dangerous though, you girls are still in for a good night. Especially you if you're good." he winked to my roommate.

"Is he...is he here?" my voice suddenly went shaky, and I felt almost completely sober.

Isaiah's playful nature dropped."Uh, he is. He's really misses you (Y/N). Hasn't even looked at another girl since you left. He's just not been the same." I wasn't sure how to reply.

"I can't not tell him I saw you. Imagine if he found out, he would be so upset with me."

"I know. I wouldn't want to hurt your friendship."

"Maybe you should see him. It might do you both some good."

"Or the opposite."

"He still loves you. Even if you don't feel the same, it could bring closure. But I know you (Y/N), I can tell what you're thinking."

"You were always annoying like that."

"He's out front, in the corridor. That's all I'm going to say."

I looked at him for a few seconds, trying to make my mind up."Well, this one is a handful, just so you know."

"I think I can handle her." Isaiah smirked.

"I was warning her about you."

I giggled at his reaction, walking away and leaving him in his natural habitat of flirting. But as soon as I turned around, my stomach dropped, nerves filling up my entire body. He was here. I hadn't seen him for two years, though I thought about him everyday. Would he look different? Did I look different? What was he going to say? What was I going to say? My brain didn't want to think of any words, maybe I was about to babble absolute nonsense to him.

Upon seeing him, my throat tightened, the cool air slapping me in the face; oh, now I was sober. He hadn't noticed yet, leaning up against a wall, hands in his pockets. Wow, he had changed. His boyish charm was still there, yet he had matured into a handsome young man. It was like I was seeing him for the first time all over again. I was just happy that he would be seeing me in my finer clothes rather than catching me after work.

Urging my feet to move, I almost sighed at how small my steps were. I really was scared. Isaiah had said reassuring things, yet I couldn't even walk up to him. It was too late to back out now, especially when he finally looked up at me. I froze on the spot, not knowing what to do. Finn seemed the same way.

"(Y/N)." he said, I only just heard it.

"Hello."

Hello? Really, that's all I could come up with?

He pushed himself off the wall, coming to stand in front of me, though not too close."I...I can't believe you're here."

"I could say the same about you."

"This is where you've been living then."

I nodded."It's not too bad. I mean, I'm on a night out."

"Who are you with?"

I knew he was wondering if I was with a man."My roommates, I live with five other girls."

"Oh, that's a lot."

"Yeah, it's the only place I could afford."

"I hope it's nice."

"I shouldn't complain. A lot better than other places."

We both knew we were making an awful attempt at small talk. I was sure he had so much to say like I did, we just didn't want to dump it on each other in case the other ran away. It was like we were teenagers again, awkwardly trying to think of something to fill the dreaded silence.

"I really want to talk about us (Y/N)." Finn said.

"You do?"

"I...I just have so much to say to you. I can't do it now, but what about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow? Tomorrow, um, yes, yes tomorrow works for me. It's the weekend, so I'm not working."

He smiled slightly."OK, good. I'll come get you. Um, I need your address."

"Oh, here." I dug around in my purse, thankful there was a folded up tissue and a pen, it was good to be prepared. I wrote down my address, handing it to him.

"I'll pick you up at one. I would want it to be earlier, you just never know what time you'll be back with this sort of thing."

"I understand Finn, I did live this with you once."

I barely slept, even when we stumbled in at three in the morning. Luckily I hadn't seen Finn, Isaiah or any other Peaky Blinder that evening, no doubt settling business behind the scenes. Despite the lack of sleep, I was wide awake the next morning, up before everyone else who were nursing their hangovers, trying on multiple outfits in a desperate attempt to look nice, but not as if I put too much effort in. The clock was rolling onto one o'clock, and my heart was beating much faster than usual. I was about to make my way downstairs when something glistened on my small vanity. Should I take it? Yes, I would.

Finn knocked on the door, and I waited a few seconds before opening it. We smiled as we greeted each other, not going in for a hug or kiss on the cheek, something I was worried about. That was the first hurdle jumped over.

"How was your evening?" Finn struck up a conversation as we walked further into town.

"Much better than yours I presume?" I smirked. He chuckled."Yeah, didn't exactly get to enjoy the music. Small fight, nothing we couldn't handle."

It was strange hearing about Blinder business again."Well I'm glad you're all safe."

"I thought we could go out for lunch, saw a nice place round here."

"Oh, that would be lovely."

"We don't have to, if you don't feel comfortable."

"No, no, no, it's not that. It's just a lovely thing for you to do."

We both bashfully smiled, luckily the restaurant was just around the corner. I had expected nothing less when we walked into the fancy place, not because I thought I deserved it, but because Finn wouldn't be seen anywhere else. His clothes were even more tailored now than they had been the last I saw him, indicating that the gang had been doing well, more money was coming in. We both immediately picked up our menus as we sat, hoping someone would speak first. Our eyes glanced over the top of them, it was as if we were on our first date again, only this time in a better establishment.

"You look beautiful." he said, still hiding part of his face.

"Thank you." I blushed.

"I'll never forget what you wore when I picked you up for our first date. That blue dress you just bought, with a matching purse, and those heels that you hadn't practiced walking in. Well, you used that as an excuse to latch into my arm all night."

I smiled, placing down my menu."It was a good plan, wasn't it? And I did struggle in those heels, I just didn't want to embarrass myself."

He copied me."I liked holding your hand all night."

"What a sweet sentiment."

"I mean it. And I mean this date. That didn't sound right, but...what I'm trying to say is that I want to make it all up to you."

"You do?"

"Yes! I really didn't expect you to leave. I mean I did, but I didn't want to believe that. I didn't want to believe that I had been so selfish that I couldn't even see how much I had hurt you." 

“That was the hardest decision I ever made. Most days I battle with myself whether I made the right choice. All night I kept making deals with myself. If you came back, I would hear you out, and if it was good enough for me I would stay. But then you didn’t, so I said to myself ‘Give him another hour.’. An hour went by, and I said the same thing to myself. That went on for the whole evening until I found myself angrily packing my things. Even then, I sat by door on top of my suitcase for another hour or so.”

“I thought you just got up and left. I didn’t realise how long you waited for me.” he sighed into his hands.“I’m such a fucking idiot.”

I could tell he was full of regret. Although it sounded sadistic, I was glad that he was upset when reflecting on our past relationship, it meant he realised his mistake. On the other hand, I hated seeing him sad. I took his hands away from his face, hesitantly reaching into my handbag to pull out the engagement ring I kept.

His eyes widened.“You still have that? I looked everywhere for it when you left, guessed you took it to sell.”

“I won’t lie, that was my intention at first. But it meant too much to me. It was like selling a piece of my soul. I kept it hidden, I didn’t want to risk any of the girls seeing it, they would just ask too many questions.”

I kept my eye on the beautiful ring as I spoke, slowly twirling it around to catch it twinkling in the light.

"I had such a hard time picking that out. I knew what you wanted, but I had to get it right for you. I'm so glad you kept it."

"I did try to sell it. I was stood outside of a shop for ten minutes debating with myself. It would have helped a lot for the deposit on the room, but I couldn't do it."

We were silent, both staring at the ring. We used to do that a lot actually. Finn would take my hand and hold it up as we laid in bed together, both giggling as we watched it glisten like it was in present times, before squealing at the thought of us being married to each other. I constantly fiddled with it when he was off on business, a habit which never wore off, even now; whenever I was nervous or worried, I would automatically do the same action, just without the ring.

A waiter awkwardly interrupted us, and I hurriedly put the ring back in my bag, sharing an embarrassed smile with Finn as we ordered. Once he was gone, I quietly sighed, looking out of the window. We were in such a nice part of town, so many ladies in beautiful dresses and men in smart suits strolling around.

"Are you...are you OK for money?" Finn boldly asked.

I was a little shocked by that.

"I don't mean anything by it. I just want to make sure you're OK, I would hate for you to be struggling, if you were."

"Uh, no, no I'm fine actually. It's not as generous as my old wage but it keeps me alive, I can live with the bare necessities."

I could see him itching to say something else, to keep the conversation going. I wasn't sure if we could go back to the serious topic we had before. However, I also wanted to bring it back up, it felt like we needed to talk about us.

"How's the family?" That's all I could come up with.

"They're fine. Everyone is the same. Well, they're not, they're a bit more serious nowadays."

"They weren't in the first place?"

He smiled."I suppose they were. Tension is the right word, tensions have been rising. Tommy's taking on a lot more, Polly knows all these secrets that no one else does, Ada is rebelling against anything Tommy says, Linda is still annoying, Esme and John have been popping kids out left, right and centre. Arthur is still crazy."

"Sounds like business as usual to me."

"They miss you too."

"Do they?"

"Yeah. Almost as much as me."

I cast my eyes down as butterflies rose in my stomach.

"I heard nothing else for the next few weeks after you left. They all told me what an idiot I was, that I was an extremely reckless, stupid and immature boy, and that I had let the best thing in my life get away from me. And they were right. I knew all of that already."

"I...I don't really know what to say right now."

"You don't have to say anything, let's just enjoy this meal, no more of that talk."

The nerves making my stomach flip built at that. What if we had nothing else to talk about? What if it was too weird to dive into our separate lives? I didn't want to sit across my ex-fiance, painfully and politely smiling through forced conversation.

The spark was still there.

When the waiter had returned with our drinks, we were already deep in talk about what had been happening in our personal everyday life. We were non stop, even as we ate through dinner. The waiters had trouble catching our attention each time they checked on us. I was deep in those eyes again, the ones I always dreamed of seeing. We were laughing hysterically, not at all acting how we should have in that establishment (there were a few eye rolls from other patrons). As if time had gone by in a second, the bill was slipped towards Finn, though I still reached into my purse.

"Are you mad? No, put your money away, I'm not taking it." Finn stated as he carelessly threw down some notes, surprisingly taking my hand in his and guiding me out of the restaurant.

I was tense as we walked, and I saw a flash of realisation in Finn's eyes as we made it outside. Both looking down at our interlocked fingers, Finn broke away, clearing his throat.

"Sorry, force of habit."

Hesitating, I smiled up at him, lacing our hands together again."These are new heels I'm breaking in. Need help walking in them."

He chuckled, pulling me closer as we walked down the street. We were silent, feeling like kids in love again. I couldn't deny that my feelings were still strong for Finn, I missed him dearly. At first, part of me had been wary of all this, wondering if he really had good intentions, or just thought he could get a quick shag in from an ex before he left; but the effort he went through, the things we spoke about, trying to heal old wounds, Finn had matured and he was wanting to fix this. I wanted to fix this, my heart was aching for my old life with him. 

“We’re not done yet, are we?” I timidly asked.

“Not unless you want it to be.”

I instantly shook my head.“No, I’d like to stay out for longer.”

“Even though you’re struggling in your heels?”

I smirked.“I know a nice place we can sit down.”

I took him to the local park, it had a huge lake with benches dotted around, luckily it wasn’t busy, there was somehow a hint of privacy here. We sat down close to each other, hands still entwined. 

“You still hungry?” I asked.

“Hm?”

I dug into my purse, producing a bag of sweets I had bought the previous day. I laughed as his eyes lit up, taking one without even asking. I took one too, reminiscing on how we used to do the same thing as kids. It seemed he was thinking about it too.

“Just like the old days.” Finn said.

“We spent way too much money on sweets back then. It’s a wonder we still have our teeth.”

 “Wish I got out of that spending habit. We could be married and in our new house by now.”

“So you never wanted to move on? You didn’t give in to those girls wanting to be with a Peaky Blinder?”

“Never. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even fathom being with anyone else, it was always you (Y/N). Did you date?”

“No, I felt exactly the same. Which is why I was angry at myself for a long time. I was supposed to be upset with you, not still in love.”

His head whipped round to face me.“You still love me?”

My mouth was still open, unsure how to answer. It seemed I didn’t have to as Finn leaned in, placing on hand on my cheek as we kissed. Instinctively I kissed back, placing my hands on him where I could, hearing the bag of sweets fall to the ground and spill its contents. This kiss was needy, the type of kiss you gave your partner when you had missed them, when they had been away for a long time; and although we had our hands on each other, our touch was still gentle.

“Get the ring.” Finn breathed out, our lips still almost touching.

I carelessly got it for him, heart beating extremely fast. He took it from me, pecking me on the lips one last time before standing up. He straightened out his suit, took a deep breath and got down on one knee. I was just as emotional the first time he did it.

“(Y/N), I know I messed up everything in the past, I was careless when I should have been supportive and helped to build our future. I learnt from those mistakes, and I really, really want to go back to how we were. I need you (Y/N), I love you so much. There aren’t enough words to express how much love I have for you. Will you marry me?”

I didn’t need to think about my answer. I blurted out a yes, waiting for him to slide the ring back on my finger before throwing myself onto him. We stumbled back onto the ground, our arms around each other as we laughed and cried. I believed him this time, I truly believed him. He put in the effort to show me his changes, he wanted to fix everything. I wanted things back to the way they were with my man, and we were back to building our future and living the rest of our lives together.

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Portrait of a Dangerous Man🎨3

Warnings: (series) non-consent sex and rape; slow creep; cucking; (this chapter) sleep paralysis, stress.

This is dark!mob!Clark Kent x reader and explicit. 18+ only.  Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Synopsis: Your dream of having your work hung in an art show comes true but your first buyer is not all he seems to be.

Note: I’m so happy people are liking this story. Thanks so much to everyone reading and sorry if I’m a bit inactive lately, I’ve been exhausted and yesterday didn’t end, I swear.

Thanks to everyone for reading and thanks in advance for all your feedback. :)

I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 As usual, I’d appreciate if you let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply or an ask! Love ya!

On Monday, you yawned over your keyboard as your fingers moved on instinct alone. Your eyes ran along the text but the words were just letters to you. You had a lot to think about, a lot to do. 

You decided you would skip lunch and get through your work day an hour early so you could head to Clark’s right away. He was hard to deny when he asked if you could make it back so soon. You told him you worked everyday from home and you had hours beside that at the gallery three times a week at least. He accepted it with a nod but his silence was telling so you caved and said you could make it but not until the evening.

You texted Marcus as you waited for your Uber. He had a few hours to go still and you left him everything he needed to make supper with instructions; the veggies were cut, the meat thawed, and the pans already arranged on the stove. You had faith he could manage on his own.

The mansion was just as intimidating as the first time you visited. You walked up the drive and to the front steps. It was human nature to be envious of the sprawling yards and lavish estate and yet, it didn’t feel as if someone could truly live here. It would be like staying in a hotel as you were always overly aware of your every move, afraid to break something or make a mess.

You hammered the large knocker when your soft tapping brought no answer. You heard someone on the other side and wiggled your foot nervously. The door opened and square-faced woman greeted you in another language. You couldn’t tell if it was Swedish, German, or some other dialect. You were never a skilled linguist.

“Um, hi, I’m…”

“Ah, you are the lady painter,” she said, “I remember. I am Nina, Mr. Kent’s housekeeper.”

She turned and beckoned you to follow her. You closed the tall door and trailed her across the spacious foyer and behind the stairs into the kitchen. She turned through another room and led you out through the glass doors that opened onto the pool.

“Miss, would you like a drink? Tea? Coffee?” she asked.

“No, thank you,” you said as the water moved and your eyes were drawn to the figure moving beneath the surface.

“Miss,” Nina nodded and left you.

You stood, awkward and listless, and glanced around at the loungers and the umbrella over the round table. You weren’t entirely sure what to do. Had he forgotten about you?

“Hey,” your gaze was drawn back to the pool. Clark waded to the edge, his broad shoulders and chiseled chest visible as he made his way to the shallow end, “sorry. Lost track of time.”

He grabbed the metal railing and climbed up the stairs. The water slaked off his tight trunks and down his thick thighs. He appeared even larger with less clothes. You looked away before your thoughts lingered too long.

“It’s fine, I should have texted I was on my way,” you said, “I can go wait for you--”

“No worries,” he took his towel and rubbed dry his dark hair. The scruff along his chin was thicker than before, almost a full blown beard, “you’re not in a hurry, are you?”

“No, not really, can’t really rush… painting,” you shrugged, “I just… I didn’t mean to catch you off-guard.”

“Pfft, I’m ready for anything,” he grinned, “but I should also listen to the artist. I’ll go get changed and you can get settled in the studio.” He directed you ahead of him as he approached the sliding doors, “you just finished work? You should take a few minutes to unwind.”

“Uh, yeah, but it’s just, um, typing, not exactly hard labour,” you said as he followed you inside.

“Work is work,” he said, “I will never fault anyone who works hard, regardless of what they do.”

“Yeah, I suppose,” you stifled a yawn behind your hand.

He let out a breath as you came out into the foyer, “I’m sorry, you could’ve… you’re tired. We could have rescheduled. I’m sorry if I came across… pushy yesterday. I don’t mean to take advantage of you.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” you assured him, “I’m fine.”

“Alright,” he said doubtfully, “but you let me know if you need a break.”

“Will do,” you murmured as you neared the stairs.

🎨

You weren’t even close to done just the background of the portrait. Clark really didn’t even need to be there as you shadowed the folds of the curtains around his figure and the marble bust. Your arm hurt from reaching across and up the gigantic canvas and your eyes burned from squinting at your work.

You backed off the ladder carefully with your paintbrush and palette balanced in one hand. The paint was drying and you needed to mix more. You set down your armful and wiped your hands on the rag. He was watching you, he was always watching you. Well, no, he was just looking in your direction; it was all for the portrait.

You hit the button on the side of your phone and gasped. It was midnight. You had several messages from Marcus and you blanched as you unlocked the cell and quickly texted back. You rubbed your eye as you hit send and turned to Clark.

“I didn’t realise it was so late,” you said, “I gotta go.”

“What time is it?” he asked and looked at his watch, “oh.”

He pushed himself to his feet with a grunt and stretched out his arms as he neared. You took your brush and rinsed it in the tinted water in the jar.

“I’ll just clean up as I wait for an Uber,” you said as you let the brush rest in the jar and lifted your phone again.

“I’ll drive you,” he said as he grabbed a rag, “it’s a long way. I’ll hire a driver for you from here on out. It’ll be easier and cheaper.”

“You don’t have to--”

You flinched as he wiped your cheek with the rag. He smiled and showed you the paint on the white cloth.

“I wouldn’t offer it if it was too much trouble,” he tossed the rag down, “and I did have something to talk to you about. The drive will be more than enough to get it sorted.”

“Oh, okay,” you eked nervously. Had you done something wrong? Were you not painting fast enough?

“I’ll meet you downstairs,” he touched your arm gently.

He left you and you finished scraping off the palette and cleaning your brushes. You dumped the jar in the sink just inside the nearest bathroom and rinsed the porcelain back to white. You left everything arranged neatly on the table and descended to the first floor.

Clark stood by the door in a different jacket, his tie gone and the top button undone. He held the door for you and showed you to the garage. There were at least a half-dozen cars inside and he took you to the same silver one he drove the night of the show. You settled in and groaned as the tension left your shoulders.

He started the car as the doors rose behind him and he backed out smoothly. He turned down the long drive and onto the desolate roads of the wealthy countryside. He kept one hand on the wheel and dropped his other to his thigh casually.

“So, your job, you like it?”

“It’s work,” you said, “I get paid to sit at home and type. Half the time, I’m just waiting for an assignment.”

“I asked if you liked it,” he said more pointedly.

“Oh, well, not… really?” you answered, unsure. 

He could be so pleasant and then so blunt. He made you nervous and the more you thought of it, the more you realised you knew almost nothing about this man besides his name. You didn’t know how he made his money or what exactly he did outside of his extravagant mansion.

“If I doubled your fee, would you quit?” he asked without hesitation.

“Quit? This… the painting won’t take forever,” you said, “I can’t really just drop everything--”

“This is an opportunity,” he said, “you could spend your days doing what you love. And who’s to say it’s just one painting? I already have something in mind for the dining room and I have friends asking about you.”

“Friends? Who--”

“One thing at a time,” he said curtly, “I’ll introduce you to them in time. Is it a deal?”

“I… it’s all very sudden, can I think about it?”

He looked at you in the rearview and you caught his eye. For a moment, you were afraid. There was something in his expression that left you breathless. He lifted his hand and stretched his arm between the seats, his fingers gripped the leather just above your shoulder.

“Sure, I’ll give you a couple days,” he said at last.

“I--I’m sorry…” you didn’t know why you were apologizing but it felt appropriate, “I just, I’m tired.”

“It’s fine, sweetheart,” he assured and the epithet hung in the air.

“I have to go to the gallery tomorrow, I’ll get back to you on Wednesday,” you said as you rubbed your chin nervously. Your lips was quivering. He was smiling but you felt his impatience in the small space of the car, “if I… if I say yes, I have to talk to my boss and that might get messy.”

“No problem,” his voice softened, “you take some time and figure it out.” His thumb rubbed the leather seat and he pulled his arm away to grasp the steering wheel, “why don’t you close your eyes. We got some time left.”

You peeked over at him and nodded. 

“Okay,” you murmured and hugged your bag against you as you tried to relax against the leather. You turned your head and looked out the window up at the starry sky. You closed your eyes as the fatigue settled over you but you could only fake dozing as your nerves stormed inside of you.

He was right, it was a great opportunity, but you just couldn’t believe it would last. Was it your own doubt getting to you? Or should you be weary of this fairytale buyer? It was late and you couldn’t think. All those worries could wait until tomorrow.

🎨

You crept into the dark apartment. It was after one and you foresaw a long day ahead of you. You’d get maybe four hours in before it all started again. You put your purse down and went into the bedroom, undressing in the shadows and crawling into bed next to Marcus as the colours of the tv moved around him. The playlist he was casting kept on even as he slept.

He grunted as you laid on your back and he turned to graze your arm with his fingertips. 

“You’re home,” he grumbled and kissed your cheek, “I was worried.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, “I… it’s so far out there and it’s a lot of work. The canvas is like nine feet-- I’m sorry, I’ll let you sleep.”

“No, no, it’s okay,” his voice was gristly as he propped himself up on his elbow, “you’re gonna finish the job right?”

“I don’t know,” you said, “I don’t know if I can.”

“Of course you can,” Marcus insisted, “I mean, at that price, you can do anything.”

“It’s not about the money, Marcus,” you huffed, “I don’t know if it’s worth all this. Going back and forth…” you ran your hands over your face, “he wants me to quit my job and just paint for him.”

“You should,” Marcus said blithely, “why not? He’s paying you well enough.”

“And what about when I’m done,” you whined.

“You’ll find more work. Vanessa even offered to take on more of your work in her shows, so what’s the problem? Isn’t this what you want?”

“Y-yeah, it is but… I don’t know, it just seems too good to be true.”

“You do this and we might even have enough for a down payment,” he said, “something had to give after all these years. Why can’t it be this?”

You looked at him and tried to smile, “you’re only saying that because he has a pool.”

“Maybe,” he kidded, “but I also want it for you. You spend all your free time painting anyhow so why not get paid for it?”

“Mhmm,” you mumbled, “yeah, I just don’t know why I feel so… I don’t know. It just all seems off.”

“Sleep on it, you’ll feel better,” he leaned over and kissed your lips that time, “love you.”

“Love you,” you echoed as he grabbed the remote and shut off the tv.

You closed your eyes as the darkness shrouded you and despite your anxiety, you fell into a deep sleep. You didn’t even roll onto your side before you sank into your REM but found yourself caught in limbo. The abstract and intense sensation of paralysis overtook your body and your eyelids flicked open.

It was an awful feeling you knew too well. You knew you were dreaming, you knew it was all in your mind, but your body was filled with sand and your subconscious conjured visions of doom. The tall man stood by the door as he always did and just stared. He got closer, just a little at a time, and you fought to move just a finger and free yourself from the trance.

You felt like you were drowning as your body remained heavy and unmoving. He was getting closer and closer. As he did, his figure changed and his shoulders got wider as his features came clear in the slat of the streetlight that leaked between the curtains. It was Clark staring down at you, his blue eyes sinister and sparkling. 

He reached for you and you woke with a start as your name rose from his lips. You inhaled sharply and looked over at Marcus as he snored. It was only the two of you. You reached for your phone, it was just after three. You turned onto your side but your heart still raced. It always happened when you were stressed, the dreams felt so real that you never really came back down after.

You stared at the wall and curled up under the blanket. You didn’t expect to get much sleep anyway, not with the question on your mind. Should you quit and live your dream or should you kill all hope before life did it for you?