#i am really not a good enough writer to give this idea the justice it deserves

[comicaurora]

I'm not a writer whatsoever and am currently listening to the OSPod Publishing special, and was really intruiged by your description of your character-driven stories as being similar to a DnD campaign. Could you please elaborate a bit on what you mean by "it's good when the characters surprise you"? It's likely an obvious writer thing, but I would've thought that an author wouldn't be surprised by where their story or characters go since, well, they're the one writing it. Regardless the comic is amazing so however confusing your process may be to me personally it's clearly effective

It's a little bit difficult to explain!

A lot of the writing process is just sitting down and writing it - laying out the setpieces, describing what the characters do, writing and tweaking the dialogue for impact. But in my experience, the vast majority of the REAL writing process happens internally, and large chunks of it are out of conscious reach of the writer. This unreachable space is where new ideas form, and why no writer has ever been able to answer the question "where do you get your ideas from?"

This is why a writer can beat their head against writers block for weeks at a time, then wake up one day with a solution and the entire next chunk of storyline fully formed. My dad calls this phenomenon "the better writer in the back of your head." A lot of the creative process doesn't happen in the front of your mind, where your ego and your inner voice live. Most of it is deeper down. This is how your mind is capable of surprising you in any context, including dreams or unexpected emotional reactions - your mind is a lot larger than just the parts you can consciously feel.

When I put a character in a situation, I can make a conscious decision for what they'll do and then execute it, but I can also listen for ideas bubbling out of that inaccessible region of my mind. Most character ideas start out as a small set of conscious decisions on the part of the writer - "I'll make him a classical hero with a strong sense of justice" or "she'll be a strong but weary leader putting on a brave face" or "I'm playing an edgy rogue with a dark past" etc etc, quick and basic elevator pitches. But the characters come alive when they're allowed to grow down into the inaccessible parts of the mind, where consciousness gives way to emotions bubbling up from even deeper processes. Once the characters are allowed to start feeling things about their story - like "maybe that classical hero doesn't actually feel great about the lord they serve" or "the weary leader has an endless wellspring of vengeful rage to keep her going when she falters," more creative ideas for their next move start bubbling up. Things that don't flow logically from their elevator pitch, but make sense for the character that grows out of that pitch as they're allowed to engage with the world and story around them.

The way I build characters puts a focus on how they're feeling in any given situation, which is completely separate from what I, the writer of the plot, need them to do to move the plot in the direction I was planning. So sometimes I'll be writing something, and a little bubble of inspiration will pop up and let me know that, unexpectedly, this situation is really getting to one of the characters. And I can choose to keep them on track, or I can let their internal compass take over and see what makes the most sense to them at that moment of the story.

Characters are not real people, and they aren't as large or complex as a human mind, but in my experience, if you build a character solidly enough and give yourself room to play, they will grow down into your subconscious wellspring of creativity, and your mind will volunteer ideas to you using their voice. You don't need to use them, but it's very useful to cultivate them, because sometimes those ideas are better than anything you could consciously stick together in the public-spacing front of your mind.

[lululawrence]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers! Spread the self-love 💞

HIIIII omg I love whoever started this going around so much and THANK YOU for sending this to me!!! I also got this from @haztobegood and @allwaswell16 so thank you to ALL OF YOU really! I love love love this kinda thing and hope I haven't missed all of your lists... i'll have to be sure to look for those here soon hehe

Anyway, in no particular order, here are my fav fics I've written... (I think... lol favorites are HARD):

I'm Praying (that you don't burn out or fade away) - This was my big bang for this year and man it was a JOURNEY to write. I first came up with the idea as almost a crack fic idea back when I first was listening to Satellite... you know... when it was first released. lol I just didn't have the time or energy or anything to write it but I held onto the idea for ages and had it mostly brainstormed and everything! And then the time came to write it and... I couldn't find my notes. Anywhere. No idea what happened to the fic idea or my ramblings about it so I just did what I could with recreating it from memory and I still didn't know where or how or when it would end exactly, I just knew their journey would be over when it was over, and they spoke to me. When their story was done, I knew. And I am still so fucking proud of how it turned out and @moon-sun-thyme made the most incredible and gorgeous art for it, truly. Just. Probably gonna forever be one of my favorite fics I've ever written.

What I Have With You (I don't want with anyone else) - ohhhhhhh THIS FIC OKAY. It's my aspec alpha babies fic. I wrote it as a collaboration with @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed for @1dreversebang a few years ago now and it is still so special to me. I got to really delve into the aspec identities by embodying both Louis and Harry with one of those identities (aro Harry, ace Louis) and then added some non-traditional omegaverse dynamics (alpha/alpha) AND one of my all time favorite tropes, FAKE DATING! It was also a journey to write this fic and I worked so hard to make sure I really felt like I was doing justice to our identities and trying to give good and valid and understandable representation to them, and I really think I was able to achieve that. Some of the comments have been the most thoughtful and humbling and just beautiful I've ever gotten as well, which is just the cherry on top, right? So yeah, this baby defo gets to be on this list for sure hehe

You Don't Care About Me (One More Night) - This fic is one of those instances where you write what you want to read, you know what I mean? I had been craving a fic like this one, and I'd read some similar ones but I wanted MORE. The more I thought about it, the more the idea shaped up, and before I knew it I had (I wish I was joking) something like SIX PAGES of brainstorming with the timing laid out and what would happen when to make sure it was slow burn enough but also character development at the right pace and also just... everything I wanted, you know? I've never outlined a fic to that level before and I probably never will again, but after outlining it like that, I then went and wrote this fic, which was the longest fic I'd ever written to that point, in less than a month. It just flowed from me every time I sat down at my computer. It turned out exactly as I had hoped, and it is one of the few fics of mine that I have gone back to read repeatedly. I've not actually read it all the way through repeatedly, there's usually just bits and pieces I'm craving at the moment, but that's still far more than I generally do with my own fics. So I'll take it hehe

a moon, a rainbow, and a carnation - Okay okay okay, there's a lot about this one that makes this one something I'm super proud of, even though it feels ridiculous because it was a fic I wrote for this year's @wordplayfics, but there's a lot of reasons why I really am proud of it lol For one, I'm still new to writing Oscar and Pedro, and I love them SO much but I've only written them in one fic previously (and it isn't even out yet lololol) but!!! Its only the second fic I've ever written with a decent amount of Spanish in it. The lovely @nouies has been so kind as to cheerlead me about the pairings as well as help me with the Spanish, and we have had SO much fun omg. She helped me SO MUCH with this fic, and I so appreciate it and am so happy with how it was able to turn out because of her help! I also tried a new footnotes thing with the translations that turned out to work even better than I anticipated, and that just makes it even better, right? So yeah. I'm proud of it because I did all of that AND ALL WITHIN A WEEK. YASSSS

'Cause What I Want Came True - Okay so once again this one is one that Lou indulged me on because who doesn't love Diego Luna, hmm? lol but I was struggling with Wordplay again and suddenly I came upon a few quotes and an entire soft and hazy idea presented itself that I just HAD to write. It is almost semi-stream of consciousness while also not being quite that way, and I just really REALLY love how it turned out. I've actually already gone back and reread this one and the previous one on this list since publishing, and they've only been out for a week or two at this point. That's impressive and very rare for me. So yeah, quite proud.

I am missing some others that I would probably say are favorites, but you did limit me to five. lololol and These were the five I thought of off the top of my head haha so they will do for now hehe THANK YOU SO MUCH for asking and letting me ramble about my fics for a little bit!! sorry this got so looooong....

[sgiandubh]

Gooooodnight! Did you manage to finish watching the movie after all? What do you think?

Dear Ford v. Ferrari Anon,

Just finished it, after four failed attempts to get into the right mood - local time, 1:45 AM, Thursday morning. As you might know, Cancer people are very stubborn (even pertinacious) people and I am no exception to the rule.

I now totally understand why so many people wondered if I was really watching it, or confessed they could be remotely interested in doing so for about ten minutes, tops. The start is horrifically lackadaisical and I hit stop four times in a row, increasingly frustrated and feeling like a brain scattered idiot. But if you persist, this little movie, eons away from my world, could actually surprise you for the better.

Three tiny things redeemed it from the scrapheap for me: a) the Sixties, b) that Mad Men aesthetics and c) Lee Iacocca. Once this very familiar guy hit the screen, I knew I would be glued to whatever shite happened on it for the duration. Mind you, not the actor (entirely forgettable), but the business honcho whose Autobiography I read by complete accident at around 16. My brain could finally relate to something and start to make sense out of a completely alien, bloody mess. Slowly, excruciatingly slowly, things began to emerge: the script is so fucked up, I couldn't help but wonder what possessed someone as discerning as C to go for it. Other than a ferocious will to be there (anywhere, really), for further consideration, of course.

This is an underdog story through and through, and with a little bit of luck it could have been Oscar material. The reason it isn't so relies entirely on the writer's frail shoulders: I can't be arsed to check whodunit, but that person clearly bit more than they could ever chew. No Christian Bale and no Matt Damon could have dragged that script to Premier League, no matter how hard the effort. And the same person who wrote that Bale presented himself at the TIFF as a sociopathic boor has always deeply appreciated his past stellar performances (Empire of the Sun immediately comes to mind, of course). Seriously, I did and this movie is no exception: he is way better than I would have expected, especially when compared to a disappointing Damon.

What about C, then? In this very Anglo-Saxon sports stew, let's say she is an indispensable condiment, despite the absolute lack of chemistry with Bale and the sometimes formulaic presence, allowing for simplistic and expected dramatic solutions to complex situations. As in S's case, she sometimes drags along her Claire Fraser mannerisms, although less conspicuously than in Belfast elsewhere (or was it because we really don't get to see her a lot?). This particular script left me hungry for more, and not in a good way. She was very much there, she clearly worked very hard for it and yet, it feels as if she were obliterated, for some reason. That film didn't do her justice and scenes like the car tantrum could only give you a sort of nostalgic 'what if' idea:

Easily my favorite C scene of the whole movie (spoiler: there aren't many at all). But let's be blunt, here: if you have no idea about who C is, no OL mystique to boot and you just watch that movie leisurely, you'd blink twice and miss her. And not remember her at all, perhaps.

Would I recommend it? I am not sure, despite Bale's Golden Globe nomination and two rather technical Oscars (for Film and Sound Editing). It could be me, after all and sports movies have never been my jam. It's a decent way to fill in two hours and a half of emptiness, but not nearly good enough for a re-watch. I'd be merciful and give it ⭐⭐/5. For the Sixties, my Paradise Lost.

Happy, Anon?

[black-flag-if]

While not fitting letter by letter, something about Lane x MC reminds me so much of Captain Wentworth and Anne Elliot from Jane Austen's Persuasion.

Something about Anne taking a dearly loved and trusted old family friend's warnings about her future and safety and acting accordingly despite how much it pained her and her lover, and how even years later, she still stands by that decision to listen and her lover agreeing that Anne is not to be faulted for listening to her friend/pseudo-mother figure at such a young age on a heavy and serious topic such as marriage, the only means of safety for women of that era.

And how MC ultimately chose to choose themselves despite (optionally) still loving Lane so much, and how they still don't regret that because it was necessary for their mental and career development, and how painful it would have been to go on to despise the very person you love so much if you didn't choose yourself?

How Lane tries to view MC as the villain of their story, compared to how Captain Wentworth tries to relish in the fact Anne is suffering and sad but all it does to him is to upset him very much and how he doesn't enjoy it actually, not as much as he would have desperately wanted in his heartbreak. I frankly don't think Lane's attempts to compartmentalize MC's behavior would last long, nor do they genuinely believe MC to be a 'villain', let alone THE villain.

I am actually very feral about them. 😵‍💫

Oh, this was such a pleasure to read!! Thank you very much for this! I don't think people quite understand how much it means to writers/creators that was simply thought of for fun and people think about your characters outside of the IF itself. I love the old era's romance stories Netflix tries to make. (Same with Bridgerton. I actually wanted to write those older settings IF, but something called for racing. I have too many ideas and so little time. )

I even get song lyrics from people, saying it reminds them of Lane and MC. It's just very surreal but it gives me such a good feeling and a boost to continue it.

And you aren't too far off about Lane, actually. I don't think it's really a secret that Lane has no ill intentions of MC at all. Depending on choices, of course, they can be friendlier or colder, but they never blamed MC for wanting to venture out. Lane's biggest issue is that MC didn't trust them enough to even stay in contact. It was literally a "think of me as dead" scenario. So, you're definitely correct in thinking that Lane doesn't think of MC as a villain, but they don't agree at all with how MC went about everything. It's very hard not to share everything right away but if you're on Lane's romance path... it's sort of a one step forward, two steps back kind of relationship because Lane has so much doubt and not wanting to go down that route again. I just hope I give it as much justice as Wentworth with Anne, and the whole, "I have loved none but you." 😭

But I also have to write carefully because while it has been five years, I don't want it to be canon at all and give people enough freedom to be with other ROs without being "I feel bad." It's very dependable on choices so Lane will act accordingly. Thanks so much for sharing this! 🤩

And so glad you love Lane. ❤️

[starshine-hockey-girl]

The Invisible String

Summary - Rocky is from Texas, looking to make it big as a tattoo artist in NY. What happens when Rocky meets NY Islanders forward Anthony Beauvillier and two people so unalike discover that they have more in common than they think. Will their invisible string lead to love or friendship?

This is my very late entry to the summer fic exchange. Yes, I am aware that it is the middle of October. The "No results and a story" excuse is that I got a huge case of writer's block followed by an ass-whooping of self doubt. However, I powered through it, and then the story just grew into this massively long piece. (17.2K- yikes)

This is written for @jarmorie who requested a reader insert or OC (she/her preferred). fluff, hurt/comfort, friends to lovers pls I would die with Anthony Beauvillier. Jarmorie is also a big Taylor Swift fan so I tried to incorporate as much Swift content as I could.

Acknowledgements and thank yous-

@laurenairay, I can't thank you enough for pinch hitting for me when I missed the deadline. I am incredibly thankful for your endless encouragement. I hope you enjoy your brief, but pivotal cameo

@cellythefloshie - Thank you for the encouragement and embracing my verbose nature.

@dreamofstarlight and @fallinallincurls for sharing their Swiftie knowledge. I hope that I do that I did Queen Taylor justice.

@wyattjohnston - one for organizing these fic exchanges. It's a tiring and thankless task. Thank you for understanding my struggle and not shaming me.

@jarmorie I am sorry that the story was so delayed. I really wanted to write something that give you everything that you wanted.

@pattiemac1 and @penstxgal1968 for being the best support system ever. Seriously, they both deserve writing credit for all of their ideas.

Gorgeous

Inked On Ice Tattoo Shop -  Long Island, NY

“Inked on Ice, how may I help you?” Daisy yawned as the shop’s computer fired up and she settled into her chair. 

“Uh yeah,” the deep voice on the line answered, “My buddy and I want to get some ink today. Do you have anyone available?” Daisy glanced at the artist's calendars. 

“Well, it’s going to depend on size, subject and budget. What do you have in mind?” she answered quickly. After a brief discussion, Daisy honed in on available artists. “Do you want to do back to back appointments or get inked at the same time?” she asked. 

She could hear a discussion on the other end. The bland voice in a spirited discussion with another voice with a slight French accent. “Barzy,” the second said with authority, “I do not need you to hold my hand while I get a tattoo. We can get inked at the same time.” 

Daisy’s ears perked up at the name Barzy. “Can I get your names?” she asked as casually as possible as New York Islanders Mat Barzal gave his name along with Anthony Beauvillier. The tattoo shop was owned by Cameron Davies, a former New York Islander. Daisy knew that Cameron would want the pair treated with kid gloves. She examined the schedule again and made an executive decision. She would schedule the more complicated tattoo, Anthony, with JD Porter, master tattoo artist, who just had a last minute cancellation. She would schedule the simpler design, Mat Barzal, with Rocky, JD’s apprentice. . 

“So Tito is with JD and I am with Rocky? Sounds good,” the NHL upstart stated as they confirmed details, “See you at 6 PM.”

In the cozy one bedroom apartment, Rocky picked up the phone and quickly read the text from Daisy. “Yes….” Rocky whispered to no one in particular. As a tattoo apprentice, paying customers were difficult to come by. The last minute addition would give her just enough to pay her share of the rent. Given that most of her time at the shop was unpaid, Rocky’s contribution to the rent was more symbolic than practical. Kelly made enough to cover their expenses and then some, but Rocky insisted on contributing, even if it was essentially meaningless.

“Rocky!” Kelly screamed, “Are you even listening to me? We need to leave in fifteen minutes if we are going to be on time.” 

“Of course, I’m listening.” Rocky replied, “Listen- don’t be mad, but I can’t go with you. I gotta to work tonight. I scored a last minute tattoo.”

“An actual tattoo?” Kelly mocked, “or will it be another night of cleaning and wiping up after the professionals?” 

“Ouch,” Rocky replied, “You know that is part of apprenticeship. I have to pay my dues.”

Rocky’s tattoo apprenticeship was a source of contention in their relationship. The couple had moved to Long Island from Dallas as a stepping stone in Kelly’s financial services career. Together since high school, Kelly disapproved of Rocky’s fascination with all things tattoo. The financial analyst with the fast-rising career wanted a partner that would fit into the corporate world. Rocky decidedly did not fit that mold even if Kelly couldn't admit it.  The apprenticeship highlighted their vastly different career paths and their relationship bore small fissures as a result. 

“Listen,” Rocky pleaded in an attempt to head off another fight about the apprenticeship. Kelly was convinced it was going nowhere. “It’s an actual tattoo so I will get paid,” Rocky explained, “Also apparently these two guys are some sort of VIPs. The fact that Daisy and Cameron are giving one of them to me to ink is a good sign. I can’t turn it down.”

Kelly stood in disbelief and tried to summon anger at Rocky and none came. Honestly, it was a relief to put off introducing Rocky to conservative co-workers a little longer. “Fine,” Kelly said bitterly, “I’ll see you when you get home.”

Two hours later at the shop, Rocky waited patiently to the side as JD inspected the set-up of her station tucked away in the smallest room in the shop. As a mentor, JD held Rocky to a high standard. An Apprenticeship endorsed by him would carry weight within the tattoo community and JD wanted Rocky to be prepared. He gave a nod and Rocky let out a sigh of relief. Together they walked out to the lobby. 

Cameron stood talking to the two athletes about his glory days with the Islanders. Rocky could tell right away that both had passed from polite attention to “oh my god, get us out here” by the tone of their voices. After the third “that’s crazy,’ uttered by Barzal, Cameron noticed JD and Rocky standing there. When he waved them over, Barzal and Beauvillier turned to look over their shoulders. Barzal blinked and gulped while Beauvillier offered a shy smile before looking down at the floor. 

Rocky approached Barzal and extended her hand to him, “Hi, I’m Rocky. I think that you are with me tonight.”

“You’re…..You’re….. “ Barzal stammered, “a woman.” Rocky took a step back and dropped her hand in disappointment. JD and Rocky exchanged a glance before Rocky let out a sigh. Usually any pushback she received came from men much older than Barzal so she was honestly a little shocked. Mat looked stunned. “Wait, I am getting tattooed by a woman?” he asked out loud. 

“Is there a problem?” JD asked as he looked Barzal in the eye. 

“Look, I don’t want to sound sexist here, but…..” he started to say, “I just was expecting a man. I am pretty sure the girl who made the appointment said "man.”

“I did not,” Daisy interjected, “I know for a fact I said no such thing.” When Rocky began as the first female tattoo artist in the shop’s history, Cameron and crew did not anticipate the push-back from their largely male clientele. Most guys came in because of the hockey/Islanders connection and well, their views on gender roles were not exactly progressive. The shop had adopted the policy of referring to all of the artists as gender-neutral as possible. Daisy, Cameron’s wife and partner, was especially intentional about it. Other than a few clients shocked to be facing a petite, brunette pixie of an artist, there had been no issues. 

Rocky looked to Cameron and back to Barzal. She knew that Cameron would want to keep Barzal as a client but also did not want to face the wrath of Daisy for caving in. She was about to speak when Tito Beauvillier spoke up. “She can do my tattoo,” he spoke softly at first to everyone’s surprise. Rocky turned to face the blonde and studied his face. He gave a gentle smile and spoke louder, “Yeah, I think I want her to do my tattoo.”

“I have to let you know that she is still in her apprenticeship. Just so that you are aware, she may not be able to give you the tattoo that you want,” JD explained. A pained look flashed in Rocky’s eyes and Tito took notice. Rocky hated the implication that just because she was still in an apprenticeship that she was less talented. She sucked in a deep breath that she hoped went unnoticed. She was mostly successful with the exception of Tito. He recognized the frustration of being underestimated. 

Then JD turned to Barzy, “It also means that you are going to pay more for my time. It’s up to you.”

Barzal began to hem and haw. His mouth had gotten the better of him and he had stuck his foot so far into it that he didn’t think it would be possible to retrieve. Even if he changed his mind and selected Rocky, the damage was done. Finally Tito spoke again firmly, “No way Barzy. You had your shot at her and you blew it. I want her now.” His eyes fell onto Rocky’s face and he gave a slight nod. 

Rocky laughed out loud, “Well then, let’s get to work.” 

The tiny brunette led Tito to her small section of the studio. She pointed to the table and chairs in the corner. He sat down as she picked up a notebook to take notes. “I have a few questions,” Rocky began as the scent of his cologne wafted into her nostrils. She inhaled and let out a small moan before she realized it. Tito cleared his throat and Rocky blushed in response. “The notes say that this is your first tattoo. Is that correct?” she asked in earnest, “What made you decide to do it today?”

Tito blinked slowly and thought. He hadn’t anticipated the question and was stumped for an answer. Finally he spoke, “I’ve always wanted a tattoo, but never got around to it. When Barzy said he was coming, I decided that I would go ahead and do it.” Rocky nodded her head as she listened. 

“So do you have a design or an idea in mind?” she questioned. 

“Yeah, I found this on the internet and thought it would be cool,” he answered as he fished his phone out of his pocket. Rocky waited patiently as he scrolled this phone. Finally he found the picture and held his phone out to her. She took the phone and looked at the picture. 

Rocky blinked slowly and zoomed in on the picture. Internally, her mind raced with thought “No fucking way”, but her reasoning kicked in. Technically, it would be a challenge which pleased her, but something just didn’t sit well with her. 

She looked up to see him looking at her with hopeful eyes. “Do you like it?” he asked. Rocky flashed a smile similar to a mother gave a child when presented with a treasured piece of artwork. 

“You don’t like it?” he questioned. 

“I didn’t say that,” she replied quickly. 

“You didn’t say it out loud, but it’s what you were thinking,” he countered. 

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she responded, “You are a paying client. If you want that design, then that’s what we will do.” Rocky bit her lip and paused before speaking again, “Let me talk to JD and get his thoughts. I want to be sure about some of the technical aspects.” She was trying to buy time to think of ways to politely talk Tito out of his design idea. Rocky walked over to JD’s station just as he was placing the stencil on Barzal’s arm. 

“Hey, before you get started,” Rocky started, “Can we go over his design?” They walked away and began an animated conversation. 

Tito looked down the hall at Rocky and watched intently. Her hands gestured wildly as she spoke with passion. He couldn’t make out the words, but whatever she said, it was said with conviction. Barzal nudged Tito with his arm, “So she is…… uhhhh…. different.” Tito continued to stare without answering. “Beau!” Barzal said loud enough to draw the attention of JD and Rocky. 

Tito was caught staring at Rocky before he quickly turned around to face Barzal with a scowl. “Did you have to yell?” he spoke softly. 

“You weren’t answering me,” his friend replied with a laugh, “I don’t like to be ignored.” 

Tito looked back over his shoulder quickly before he answered, “Technically, it wasn't a question, but a statement. Yes, I agree. She is quite unique. By the way, what was up with your attitude earlier? You think she can't tattoo because she is a woman?"

"No, that’s not it,” Barzal shot back, “I had a big, burly guy named Rocky in my head so when the pixie queen of tattoos came out, I was surprised. I put my foot in my mouth.”

Tito began to respond but noticed the duo of tattoo artists were walking back to them. 

Rocky gave what could be best described as her “customer service” smile and gestured to Tito to go back into her section. He gave a shrug to Barzal and followed her. Then he turned around to Barzal who watched, “You know what you need to do.” Barzal nodded and followed JD back to the table. 

The sound of Barzal’s soft yelp and the buzz of JD’s tattoo needle floated into Rocky’s section as they sat down again. 

“Soooooo…” Tito smiled. 

“So now that I had the technical questions I had about the design answered. I can certainly do it for you,” she smiled. 

“Why do I feel like there is a ‘but’ hanging in the air?” Tito smiled. 

“There is no but, you want the design then I will give you the correct one,” she replied coolly. 

“Rocky, tell me the truth,” Tito urged her to answer. 

“How does he know I am lying?” she questioned herself. She looked into his eyes and saw his genuine concern. She paused and thought about her answer. For some people tattoos were just not that deep, but she got the sense that Tito wasn’t one of those people. She decided to flip the script. “What is it about the design that you like?” she asked. 

“Well, I like the black and gray,” he began. When she nodded in understanding, he continued, “I liked the logo because I play for the Islanders” When her nose scrunched ever so slightly, he asked, ”What do you not like about the design?”

“This is a design for every wannabe hockey bro that wasn’t good enough to make it to the NHL,” she blurted out, “Why do you want to look like every other Goomba out there? This design tells me nothing about you as a person. It’s bland and generic and that’s not you. You’re not bland and generic.”

Tito laughed, “Tell me how you really feel.”

Rocky’s eyes flashed up and held his gaze, “Look, maybe I should take the easy money and give the tattoo you want, but that’s not the kind of artist I want to be,” she answered with passion, “I want my work to mean something, both to my client and to me. It’s probably not going to make me “successful”, but that’s really not my goal anyway.” She sighed dramatically, “And that’s not even the most obvious objection to it.” 

“And what’s the most obvious objection to it?” Tito questioned as he studied the design again. 

“When is your contract up? Do you have some sort of non-trade clause?” she asked plainly. He blinked slowly. She continued, “Seriously? When is your contract up?”

“2024,” he said softly as he began to process what she was saying, “I have another season and a half.” 

“And you’re sure that they are going to re-sign you?” she prodded, “I don’t know too much about hockey so I don’t know if you are good or not. I do know that tattooing your team name on your body seems like the hockey equivalent to tattooing your girlfriend or wife’s name on your body. It’s a lovely gesture at the moment, but what do you do when things go south?”

Tito gulped and spit out, “I see your heart and soul is as black as your jet black hair.”

Rocky sat up straight, “Would you rather me not say anything?”

“No, you’re right,” he laughed, “You’re totally right. It looks like I am not getting a tattoo, at least tonight.” They sat silently and looked at each other. Both of them sizing the other up. Finally Tito spoke, “So if you think this design is trash, what design do you think I should get.”

“Something unique, something that tells a story about you,” Rocky pondered out loud. 

“Unique? What’s unique about me? I am just a guy who plays hockey,” Tito challenged. 

“Nah, you are so much more than that,” Rocky answered a little too quickly. 

“How can you tell?” he quizzed. 

“That twinkle in your eye,” Rocky smiled, “There is a whole world hidden behind the twinkles in your eyes.” 

Tito leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “I could say the same about you.” 

Rocky blushed momentarily before the vibration on her phone drew her attention. It was a text from Kelly letting her know that he would be home late. His department decided on dinner after drinks. Rocky shook her head and silently admonished herself. She wouldn’t exactly call her behavior flirting, but it definitely wasn’t strictly professional. Rocky looked up into Tito’s soft blue eyes again. She was right. There was a whole world hidden in there. A world that she wanted to know more about. 

“I could design something for you,” she blurted out before she processed the thought.

“I would be honored,” he answered quickly, surprising himself. 

“So tell me about yourself, Mr. Beauvillier,” she leaned forward and put her chin into her hand while her elbow rested on the table. 

“Well, I was born in Quebec….” he began. 

She held up a finger and grabbed a pen and paper to write notes and sketch ideas. She motioned for him to continue and he did. Every once in a while he would lean forward to sneak a peek at what she wrote down or doodled. She pushed him away with a playful shove and smile

An hour later Rocky jumped at the sound of JD’s loud knocks. “Hey,” he said with a frown on his face, “We’re done in here.” Tito looked up with a smile. JD. grunted and turned around. 

“What’s his problem?” Tito nodded his head at the door. 

Rocky shrugged her shoulders, “He’s probably pissed that he is going to miss his cut of my fee.” Tito tilted his head in question. “Since he is my mentor, he gets a cut of my fee along with the shop,” she explained, “No tattoo, no fee.” 

“If it’s about the money, I am happy to pay,” Tito offered

Rocky neatly piled up her things. “He’s probably pissed too since he told me just to do the damn design.” she added. They walked out together and waited as Daisy cashed Barzal out. 

“Beau,” Barzal popped off, “What? Did you wimp out?”

“Nah,” Tito answered, “I convinced her to work with me on a custom design. I am thinking of a half sleeve to start that we can add onto later down the road.” JD’s eyebrows raised and Rocky shrugged her shoulders. Barzal turned to them, “What do you think? Pretty badass, huh?”

Rocky suppressed a giggle, “Oh, totally. You’re like the Lion King. Should I call you Simba?” Tito guffawed until Barzal shot him a look. 

“Hurry up so I can pay, Simba,” Tito joked. Barzal casually flipped him off and turned to pay.

“Pay for what? You didn’t get a tattoo?” Rocky said in a stunned voice. 

“Yes, I do need to pay. We were in a consultation. JD, what’s the price per hour for consultations?” Tito looked over to ask Rocky’s mentor. 

“One fifty,” he answered tersely. Rocky bit her lip. He quoted a rate that was double her normal rate and Tito hadn’t blinked an eye. Of course, she knew that JD’s reasons were not altruistic at all. A higher rate meant a higher cut for him and the shop. It also meant that he could now charge Barzal double his normal rate for the basic tattoo he did. Rocky admired his hustle, even if she felt guilty about Tito paying more than necessary for it. 

After Barzal paid, Tito cleared his throat loudly and nodded to Rocky. Barzal shot him a look of confusion. Tito muttered under his breath, “apologize”. Rocky’s head shot up and she looked at Tito who shrugged his shoulders. Barzal nodded in understanding. 

“Uhhhh, Rocky?” Barzal started, “I apologize for earlier. I really wasn’t trying to knock you as an artist. I really was just expecting a big, burly guy based on the name. No offense meant.” Rocky smiled and looked down as she contemplated how long to make the hockey phenom squirm. “Seriously, I am not really a sexist pig,” he continued, “I have much respect for women.”

“Sure you do,” Rocky laughed.

“I swear I do,” Barzal squeaked, “Tell her Beau.”

Tito paused to allow him to sit in his discomfort, “I can attest that Barzy is a great admirer of women who happened to stick his foot so far into his mouth that he is choking on it. I am not sure if it's because of the nasty toe jam or God-awful odor.” Barzal’s mouth dropped open in disbelief.

Rocky giggled, “It’s okay, Simba. I am just busting your balls out of amusement. A little bit of friendly fire, I suppose.”

Barzal shot Tito a glare. “Thanks. It looks like I may need new friends these days,” he smiled as the group walked toward the exit. Rocky and Tito exchanged numbers, which did not go unnoticed by Barzal. When he questioned Tito in the car afterwards, Tito dismissed his comment. “It will be easier to set up time to go over ideas directly with her.” 

“Whatever you say,” Barzal retorted, “I am sure it has nothing to do with the puppy dog eyes you make when looking at her. No, not at all.”

Inside the tattoo parlor, Cameron buzzed about the potential exposure the shop would receive if Barzal posted his new tattoo on social media. JD looked like a deer caught in headlights. While a master tattoo artist, JD was woefully behind the times on social media, considering it an unnecessary evil. Rocky shook her head, “I’ll take care of it.” 

Kelly was sitting on the couch when Rocky arrived back at their apartment. She walked over and kissed the top of his head as he watched Squawk Box on CNBC. “How did the dinner go?” she asked softly. She began stripping as he watched the television. 

“Huh?” he answered as he glanced over at her bare torso as she stripped off her leggings. 

“I said how did the dinner go? Were you able to talk to Ross about your idea?” she asked as she walked into the bedroom to grab one of his large t-shirts to sleep. 

“Oh yeah,” he answered, “We just need the go ahead from Grant and we will be good to go. Hey, I brought you dessert from the restaurant.” 

Rocky walked back out and smiled, “That’s great. We both got good news tonight.” Kelly had turned his attention back to the television. She sighed and walked into the kitchen, opened the take out bag and stared at the cheesecake in the container. It was covered in strawberry syrup. She looked at Kelly in disbelief and then shook her head. Rocky’s favorite was, indeed, cheesecake, but she was allergic to strawberries. She had been since childhood. Kelly knew this, or at least had been told at least a dozen times. He probably scanned the menu, saw the cheesecake and ordered it in hurry. It was the little details that he ignored that drove her crazy. When he was in his "work zone", he lost all focus on anything else.

She placed the cheesecake into the refrigerator. She mumbled something about going to bed. She glanced at her phone and saw the text notifications. 

Rocky looked at her phone and her eyes widened. She had almost 1,000 new followers including Tito, Barzal and a half a dozen other Islanders. 

Thursday- Inked on Ice- Long Island

JD did a double take when Rocky passed him on her way to her station. Rocky’s de facto uniform for work days was a vintage concert or slogan t-shirt with distressed jeans. Today, however, she wore form-fitting black leather pants paired with a crisp white button down shirt. The shirt unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hot pink spaghetti strap camisole. Her hair had also been artfully piled atop her head with a hot pink bandana in the “Rosie the Riveter” look. Most of the staff had a similar reaction. 

“What?” she questioned when Daisy let out a low whistle, "I just felt like dressing up."

“I hope you are comfortable because you are now officially booked solid," Daisy smiled. 

Rocky blinked and swallowed deep. She was finally coming into her own as a tattoo artist. She was still doing smaller and less intricate designs but her technique improved with each one. She took her schedule and got ready for her first appointment. 

Seven hours later, Tito walked into the shop. Daisy immediately greeted him, "Rocky is wrapping up a tattoo. It should be a few minutes." Tito took notice of Rocky's neatly labeled portfolio. The contents mainly consisted of small tattoos that she had done in a variety of styles. The mix was split evenly between color and gray. In the back were larger, more intricate designs.

He was lost in thought when Rocky approached from behind.  "See anything you are interested in?

"They are all great," he said after he collected himself, "I like these landscape ones. That one reminds me of my days playing on an outdoor rink."

Rocky leaned forward to confirm which drawing he meant. Her breath felt warm against his neck and he inhaled her perfume. "Oh, that one? Let's go talk in my section," she said softly, oblivious to his reaction. She turned around and walked back to her small room. Tito gulped and turned to follow. His eyes involuntarily swept over her body as she walked in front of him. 

She was already sitting down when he entered. He stopped at the door and observed her as she pulled out her sketch pad and pencils. "Either come inside or go get me coffee," she joked.

"Coffee?" he asked, "What's your order?"

"Unsweet iced coffee with an extra shot and skim milk, 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla syrup, 2 Splenda and light caramel drizzle," she answered without looking up.

"You know I have zero shot of getting that right," he smiled.

"Beauregard, if you can remember the draft line-up of your draft in order, then you can remember this," she looked up and flashed a smile. He laughed softly. "Or you could just tell them Rocky's usual," she smiled wider, "Whatever is easier."

"You’re a regular over there?" he asked as he began to leave.

"Yes, and I tip very well. Don't ruin my rep, Beauregard," she warned, "Go and let me work. I am inspired."

"Beauregard?" He stopped, "You can't call me Tito or Beau like everyone else?"

"Do I look like a woman who does what everyone else does?' she retorted.

"Silly me," he sighed, "and to think I am paying to go be your coffee bitch." He waited for a response but she had focused on her paper again. 

When he returned with her iced coffee, music was playing. She expertly added shading to the drawing while she sang. https://open.spotify.com/track/1ZY1PqizIl78geGM4xWlEA?si=eebcaf1014c24c38

But if you're single that's honestly worse

'Cause you're so gorgeous it actually hurts

(Honey, it hurts)

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face (to your face)

'Cause look at your face (look at your face)

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way (this way)

But what can I say?

You're gorgeous

He watched her for a moment before he involuntarily started singing as well.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad (mmh)

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have and

Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats (yeugh)

Alone, unless you wanna come along (oh)

Rocky looked up when she heard his voice and smiled. Tito gallantly presented her with her complex coffee order. He glanced over at the picture before teasing, “So you’re a Swiftie? That’s surprising.” 

“Why?” she asked. 

He made a hand gesture up and down. “The hair, the tattoos, piercings all scream metal goth girl, but here you are jamming away to basic white girl music while drinking basic white girl coffee. Color me confused.”

“That’s what you get when you judge a book by its cover. You miss the complexity of most humans,” she said philosophically. “By the way, I did notice you jamming along. Are there a lot of Swifties in the NHL?”

“Nah, my ex, Tiffany, was one," he answered, "I became one by osmosis."

"Really?" She replied, "My boyfriend just mocks me."

“Ahhhhh,” Tito, “He doesn’t know what he is missing. Taylor Swift is a musical genius.”

"Well, well, well," Rocky whistled, "Look who is the basic white girl now.” 

“Shut up and show me the sketch that you have been so focused on,” he answered as he rolled his eyes. 

She slid the sketch pad over to him and looked up at him with hopeful eyes. “I tried to incorporate everything that we talked about last time,” she said quietly. Rocky wasn’t sure as she was filled with apprehension suddenly. Her art was one of the few areas of her life that she was sure about these days. 

Tito gingerly touched the sketch pad and took in each detail of the illustration. He was surprised by the lack of color, but it was so effective that he couldn’t imagine the piece in anything but simple black and gray. It was the embodiment of everything that they had discussed. 

“What do you think?” she asked. 

Tito swallowed hard, suddenly aware of the tears filling his eyes. “I think,” he started before pausing to steady his voice, “I think it’s perfect.”

“Really?” she smiled tentatively, “You really like it?”

He looked up at her and stared for a moment. Underneath the heavy make-up and tough exterior, he saw her sweet spirit. She was more complex and multi-dimensioned than anyone he had ever met despite practically being a stranger. She had put her heart and soul into this drawing and the magnitude of that action was not lost on him. 

“Yes,” he smiled, “I wouldn’t change a thing about it.”

MIDNIGHT RAIN

The next few weeks were a blur to Rocky. Her days were filled with appointments and consultations. Word of mouth began to spread as client after client posted their ink on social media. Glowing reviews accompanied each post, and Rocky’s reputation began to grow in the tattoo community. Pretty soon, some pretty big name artists began following her, including Catarina Vandewahl, who was a pioneer female tattoo artist. 

 With her growing popularity came sacrifices and hardships. Rocky worked hard to capitalize on the buzz around her work and kept herself booked solid. It meant less and less time at home with Kelly.  They became like ships passing in the night. He was going to bed as she got home from a long day at the shop and left before she woke up for the day. On the rare occasion they were together, they both struggled to find the connection that had bonded them in their youth. Kelly worked feverishly on his work project while Rocky sat on the couch and watched hockey. 

The texts between Tito and Rocky began as strictly business. Short and brief texts to schedule time to work on his tattoo. It was a task that was becoming more and more difficult to complete due to their hectic schedules. However, somewhere along the line, the tone changed from professional to borderline flirtation. 

They scheduled his six hour session two days after Taylor Swift’s Midnights album release. It was a rare day off for Tito and Mondays were usually light for Rocky so she was able to make adjustments to her calendar. The plan was for the duo to experience the album together so they swore to each other to remain as “spoiler free” as possible. 

In the meantime, Rocky began to follow the Islanders closely. Growing up in Dallas, she was a casual fan of the Stars. She knew the basics of hockey, but not the finer details. She grew frustrated trying to watch Tito play. Eventually, they developed a routine of Tito picking a game on his “off” nights, and they would text back and forth throughout the game. Of course, it was all in the name of teaching Rocky about hockey. However, the subject quickly opened up to broader discussions that almost touched on the philosophical. 

Tito kept her updated about life on the road and humorous stories of adventures with teammates. Rocky threw in stories from the tattoo shop. From there, the subject of relationships bubbled up. Tito was shocked to find himself revealing his frustrations in finding a woman that was willing to put up with his unusual schedule while maintaining her own identity. Most women seemed more than ready to give up their own “careers” to make themselves available to NHL players. Tito found it tedious and boring. 

Eventually Rocky found herself venting to Tito about how Kelly and her were on almost completely opposite schedules and how isolated she felt from him. Almost immediately, she regretted it and walked back her statements. Internally she scolded herself for crossing some imaginary line. For his part, Tito avoided the subject and redirected back to the game they were supposed to be watching. He couldn’t even think of a reason why he felt the need to change the subject. They were both venting about essentially the same subject. Still he felt a sting as he listened to her vent and he pictured her domestic life with her boyfriend. The sting was especially strong as he looked around his nondescript hotel room and remembered that there would be no one waiting for him when he returned home at the end of the road trip. 

The cracks in Rocky and Kelly’s relationship began to deepen the weekend before Tito’s appointment. With his big work project complete, Kelly looked to reconnect with his long-time love. He made a reservation at a romantic restaurant and booked a suite at the Plaza. It was the sort of restaurant that demanded a level of elegance and style that was out of Rocky’s comfort zone. 

“Quit fidgeting,” Kelly smiled as they followed the hostess to their table at the back of the restaurant. His hand was on the small of her back as she smoothed her hair down. She had just dyed her hair a vibrant red that morning and spent an inordinate amount of time curling it to achieve the perfect vintage fifties vibe she was going for. 

“People are staring at me,” she said quietly. 

“Please,” he joked, “You don’t dye your hair that color while wearing that dress if you don’t want attention.” Rocky flinched internally at his words. After they sat down, she quickly picked up the menu to study it. The fact it also shielded the tears that welled up in her eyes was an added bonus. 

“Hey,” Kelly said softly, “Let me see your face.”

“I’m deciding what to eat,” she said as she willed her voice to remain steady. 

“Rox,” he whispered, “Let me see your face.” She bit her lip. He only called her Rox when he was being sweet and kind to her. While she couldn’t say that he had been unkind recently, there had been a dearth of sweetness over the past couple of months. Slowly, she lowered the menu to let him see her face. “Rox,” he sighed.

“Do you think I dress the way I do for attention?” she murmured, “Do you think I am that kind of person?”

Kelly reached for her hand and grabbed it before she withdrew it. “I think that you can’t dye your hair fire engine red and cover yourself in tattoos and then be shocked when you get attention from normal people.”

“Normal people?” she questioned as she raised her menu again, “I am not a normal person? Since when?” 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he said flatly, “I don’t want to argue. I like the hair and the dress. You look beautiful and unique. You should rock the hell out of it while you can.” 

“While I can?” she asked after the server took their order, “What is that supposed to mean?” 

“Rox,” he said, “Don’t overthink it. I just want to have a romantic night with my girl.” 

Something inside of her bristled at the comment “his girl”. She tried to focus on his intent or at least what she believed to be his intent. Kelly wasn’t a malicious person. He was actually quite thoughtful and caring. In fact, it was one of her favorite qualities about him. She looked at him and smiled. "So do you want to hear about my week?" He nodded in affirmation and she began telling a funny story about a misspelled tattoo. 

Back in their hotel suite later, they had exhausted all subjects of conversation. Rocky pulled out her phone as a distraction and saw the notification from Tito.

Rocky quickly typed out a reply.

Rocky- Hey…. Quit cheating

Tito- Who? Me?

Rocky- Yes, you - Beauregard

Tito- #sorrynotsorry. I am bored in the hotel room. Staying spoiler free is hard.

Rocky- Quit being a spoiler whore and go to sleep. You will need your energy for Monday.

Tito- That's right- you're going to pop my cherry. Be gentle with me.

Rocky stared at the screen. She knew full well that he was referring to his first tattoo experience. However, suddenly, a very graphic image of her sliding down onto him filled her mind. She could almost hear him whisper in his light accent, "Be gentle with me." Rocky dropped her phone which drew Kelly's attention. He gave a funny face and she scrambled to grab the phone to prevent Kelly from seeing the content. Then she remembered that it had only been a figment of her imagination and not anything that could be read

Tito- Rocky?

Rocky- Sorry, dropped phone. Yes, I will be gentle with you. I gotta go. We’re headed to bed. TTYL.

Tito stared at the screen. "Headed to bed?" he thought. A vision of Rocky riding him while throwing her head back filled his mind. He tried to imagine just how much of her upper body was decorated with ink. He stared at the screen, then put the phone down. He turned on the TV and willed himself to not look at the phone. “Fuck it,” he groaned as he picked up his phone again. Without thinking, he found himself on her Instagram page scrolling through pictures. “Don’t hit like, don’t fucking hit the like button,” he reminded himself as he stalked. It was mainly tattoo photos with an occasional selfie. He scrolled back up and stopped. “Damn,” he whispered to himself, “Damn.” 

Before he could stop himself, he responded with a flirty reply. He saw Kelly’s response and exhaled in disgust before clicking on his profile. His posts consisted of mainly “bro” activities - hanging out with friends, tailgating at Jets games, trips to the shore, etc. Tito noticed that they were only rare pictures of Rocky, at least recently.

Pretty soon, he had spent an hour down the rabbit hole of Kelly’s profile. He had pieced together a rough timeline of Rocky’s relationship with Kelly. It started off strong in high school with nearly constant photos. Things definitely cooled in college as Kelly morphed from slightly emo/goth boy to total finance bro . There was a direct correlation between their individual transformations and their relationship-at least based on what you could see on social media. Tito would bet that Rocky's tattoos and fashion style were an issue. The more she got, the less he posted her picture. A couple of years after graduation, other than holiday and anniversary posts, she was non-existent on his timeline. It wasn't as if Kelly was necessarily hiding his relationship with Rocky on social media, but he wasn't exactly shouting it from the rooftops either. He did a similar deep dive onto Rocky’s page and reached the same conclusion. 

He scrolled back to her post from that night. How could the things that he found so fascinating about Rocky be an issue for this Kelly dude? He didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand it all. Tito gently touched the screen with his thumb. Her smile made him feel things. Her eyes, he thought to himself, her eyes were bright on the surface, but underneath there was a world that he wanted to know. He wanted to know what made her happy and what made her sad. He wanted to know what she thought about the new Taylor Swift album. He wanted to know her thoughts about everything. 

Back at the Plaza, Rocky sighed heavily as she tried to get comfortable in the oversized hotel bed.  As much as she appreciated the thought and effort that Kelly had put into making the night special, something had fallen flat. Even their lovemaking had been lackluster with them both going through the motions without any true passion between them. Muscle memory elicited perfunctory orgasms for each of them before both they rolled in opposite directions to sleep. Rocky tried "fluffing" her pillow before grabbing her phone. 

She glanced at Instagram and smiled at Tito's comment. "Can't sleep?" Kelly said sleepily.

"No, maybe it was the espresso martini at dinner?" She replied.

"Rox, you mainline coffee all day long. How can an espresso martini affect you like this?" he challenged. She shrugged her shoulders. "Come here," he held out his arm to her, "I'll try the head thing." Rocky rolled over and snuggled into his chest. They laid in silence for a minute. Kelly's fingertips ran up and down arm gently in slow, methodical fashion. He could feel the tension oozing out of her pores. "Rox, talk to me," he finally asked, "I know that something set you off tonight."

"Well, first you said I wasn't normal," she started meekly.

"Normal wasn't the right word," he interjected, "Average is more accurate. It wasn't meant as an insult, Rox. You should know that you stand out in a crowd. You are special and unique….."

"Why do I sense that there is a but hanging in the air?" She questioned.

"There is no but hanging in the air…." He snapped back.

"What did you mean when you said I should rock the hell out of my look while I can?" she lifted her head and stared into his eyes. 

"There it is. That is what you have been stewing over since dinner," he sighed, "What I meant was that eventually you will need to dress more appropriately. Wait, appropriate is not the right word. Hmmmm, maybe I should say….ummmm, subdued."

"Subdued? Why do I need to be subdued?" She shot back.

 He sighed, "because eventually I will need you to be a partner. I can't become a CEO without a good partner."

"CEO?" she balked, "Since when do you want to become a CEO? What happened to the 'work as hard as we can fo the next ten years so we can retire and travel the world" plan? When did that change?"

Kelly blinked, "When I started and discovered that I actually liked it. I am good at my job and I can go further than I thought I could. I know it doesn't mean shit to you but I love it. If you gave it a chance, you might like it too."

Rocky searched into his eyes to gauge his seriousness. Her gaze was met with an expression of such earnestness that she felt actual pain in her heart. "Tell me more about this plan," she said softly before she laid her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her to pull her close. She listened as he explained his fifteen year long route to CEO. It included getting married within two years and having their first child two years after that. Everything was mapped out in such detail that Rocky was beginning to wonder when exactly the original plan changed and when he was planning on telling her.

"You're being awfully quiet, Rox," he said at the end as he wrapped up.

"It's a lot to take in," she whispered, "It's a lot to take in."

"You'll at least consider it? Will you at least consider it for me?" He asked hopefully.

"Yes, I will think about it," she sighed. 

Kelly kissed the top of her head, "You're the best. I love you."

"Love you too," she yawned, "let's get some sleep."

TWO DAYS LATER- INKED ON ICE Tattoo Shop

Tito winced and gritted his teeth as Rocky worked on the outline of the complex tattoo design they had settled on. “How are you doing there, Beauregard?” Rocky asked cheerfully. Tito had been sitting stoically for almost three hours. The session started out strong. They started with listening to Taylor Swift’s Midnights, but after two times they grew restless. When Rocky suggested switching to Speak Now, he readily agreed. 

He groaned, “Why on earth would you willingly do this multiple times?”

Rocky smiled, “I don’t know. The art is worth the pain, I suppose. Of course, it could also be that I am tougher than you and can take the pain. I would have thought a hockey player would be tougher but then again Barzal cried like a little bitch too.”

“Hey,” he whined, “Would you like me to tell you all of the injuries that I have played with?”

“Will it make you quit whining?” she countered, “If so, then by all means, tell me how tough you are.” Rocky knew that it would draw his focus away from the tattoo and therefore the pain. Sure enough, the conversation bought Rocky about forty five minutes of productive work time. When he began to lose focus again, Rocky tapped his leg. “Hey, we are at a good stopping point for a break. You rest and I will go grab us some lunch from next door. The lasagna is top notch.” Tito breathed a sigh of relief. Within minutes, Rocky had prepared his arm enough to move freely. “Stretch, move around and relax,” she instructed, “We have about another four hours to finish it. Think you can handle it?” She looked at him with concern. It was his first tattoo and she wanted to be sure that he didn’t tap out before she finished. Also, she wouldn’t admit to anyone, but part of her wondered if she could take another four hours on trying to focus on tattooing while she ignored the intrusive thoughts in her head. 

When she returned with the food, he was casually scrolling through his phone. He graciously accepted the lasagna and bottle water. “What do I owe you?” he asked. 

“You don’t need to pay me back,” she insisted. 

“I am not used to women buying me food,” he blushed. 

Rocky blinked, “Beauregard….. What kind of women are you dating? They don’t even do the courtesy to reach for their wallet? Where are you finding them? Puckbunnies.com?”

“Hey,” Tito cautioned, “Tap the brakes there.”

Rocky immediately hung her head, “I am sorry, Beau. Truly, I am. I am just dealing with a personal thing and it’s got me extra “fight the patriarchy” right now. 

Tito’s face immediately softened, “Something personal? With your boyfriend? What’s his name again- Kelly?”

Rocky sighed, “Yeah, something with him. Hey, how did you know his name?”

Tito blinked. He didn’t want to admit to the stalking of Instagram. “Ummm, didn’t he comment on the picture the other day?” he answered casually. 

“Oh yeah,” Rocky smiled, “I forgot about that.” 

They sat in silence for a moment. The unanswered question hung in the air. Finally Tito asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Rocky fought the impulse to open to him. “He’s a client,” she told herself before she took another bit of lasagna. She looked out of the corner of her eye to find Tito staring, waiting on an answer. “Beauregard, I appreciate the offer. It’s nothing earth shattering or dramatic," she offered as an answer. When his eyes didn't move from her face, "Stop staring at me. You're being weird," 

Tito looked down and thought, "Was he being weird?" Then he shook his head and looked at her. Her eyes held a silent plea to drop the subject. He waffled between pushing for an answer, absolutely hoping for any news that the relationship had cracks that could be exploited and letting her tell him without pressure. He grimaced at his mind that jumped at the opportunity to "exploit" any weaknesses in her relationship. No, if they had a future together in their destinies, it would happen without manipulation or pressure. He smiled and deflected, "So, ummmm, where did Rocky come from? Did your dad just really want a boy?"

She was thankful for the deflection. She wasn't ready to put her emotions into words yet. Rocky grinned widely, "It's short for Raquelle. My younger brother, Gabriel, could only say Raq and not Raquelle. Alexander turned it into Rocky after I beat him up." Tito's eyes widened. "Well, he deserved it. He stole my Nintendo DS," she explained. 

"Remind me never to get on your bad side, Raquelle," Tito smiled.

There was something about the way that he said her name made her heart leap with joy. She felt blush overcome her cheeks and she looked away. Tito thought she never looked more beautiful. "Yep, I am going to call you Raquelle from now on," he teased casually.

"Whatever you say, Anthony " she countered. Both of them scrunched their noses immediately. "Nope, Beauregard is better," she declared. She glanced at the clock. "Now eat up, Beauregard," she ordered, "We are going to start in ten minutes and keep going until we are done."

"Yes, Raqueĺle," he cooed, exaggerating each syllable in his slight French accent. Rocky bit her lip and took a bite of lasagna. "I will let you torture me again in ten minutes." he laughed.

Rocky's plan to carb load Tito worked. When they began again, he got into the zone. He sat back in the chair and closed his eyes. His body entered into a trance like state and they powered through together. They were reaching the finish line when "Midnight Rain" started. https://youtu.be/Odh9ddPUkEY?si=IRMd5VC86a0xnQ77. Taylor's voice filled the room

Rain, he wanted it comfortable

I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride

I was making my own name

Chasing that fame

He stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight

Rocky's head popped and listened to the song that seemed to encapsulate the current state of her relationship. When the words "Cause he was sunshine, I was midnight rain,.He wanted it comfortable,I wanted that pain" floated across the room, her eyes filled with tears. Unable to see, she lifted the needle from Tito's skin.  The lack of sensation reached into his brain but did not penetrate. It was the tear that splashed down on his forearm that got his attention. He looked at the wet mark and then lifted his eyes to look at her face

 Tears streamed down as she stared into space. "Rocky? Are you okay?" He sat straight up in the chair. She glanced at him and cried harder. "Rocky, what happened?" He questioned. "Mon ami, what happened? Did you make a mistake?" She shook her head vigorously. 

"He is sunshine and I am midnight rain. He wants comfortable and I want pain," she said out loud to no one in particular.

"Who?" His hand went to her cheek, "Kelly?" She nodded her head. "What happened, Mon Ami? You were fine," he soothed. 

"The song," she choked out.

He listened as the song ended. "Which song?" He asked.

"Midnight Rains," she whispered.

"The breakup song?" He asked in the tenderest voice. 

Rocky wiped her tears, "He has a fifteen year plan now. He wants to be a CEO and he wants me to be the good little corporate wife." Tito's mind raced. "Can you imagine?" She whined, "Can you imagine me at the country club."

"No, no I can't." He answered honestly. "How do you feel about that?"

"Terrified," she blurted out, "What if I can't do it? What if I lose myself in the process?

"Do you even want to do it? He asked sincerely, "Is that the life you want?"

She stared at him like he had three heads. Of course, it was Kelly. He was her future. He had been her future since she can remember. She hadn't considered what she wanted. 

He wiped her tears that still flowed." It is just a song," he whispered, "It doesn't have to mean a break up." Internally he screamed at himself to shut up, but he couldn't stop himself. No, if she was going to end things, she would do it without his interference. It was clear that she wasn't ready to let go. "Rocky…." He continued as she stared into space, "Raquelle…." Her head snapped in direction. "It's just a song," he explained, "You get to decide your future. You can have any future you want."

Rocky inhaled deeply, "You think?"

"I know," he smiled back.

"Thank you Beauregard," she smiled, "You're a good friend to me." Her breath hitched as the word came out of her mouth. 

"It is my pleasure," he smiled, "It's.honor and a pleasure to be your friend. However, if you don't finish this ink soon, I am going to come to my senses soon and I will never let you near me with a needle again."

Rocky glared, "No way you are tapping out now. Buckle up Beauregard.".He sat back and closed his eyes. "Alexa, play Shake It Off."

Thirty minutes later, Tito stood and admired the design. "It's perfect," he praised, "I can't wait to post it." 

Two weeks later - USB Arena

Kelly held the ticket stub in his hand as they walked around the concourse of the USB arena. “Rox,” he said suddenly, “These are lower bowl seats. I think these seats are pretty close to the glass. Where did you get them again?”

“I told you,” she said sweetly, “A client gave them to me as a thank you.” Kelly led them down the stairs to the seats which were right next to the Islanders penalty box. Rocky took the seat nearest the box. Kelly had a thing about having an easy exit out of crowded places and would have felt boxed in. The music in the arena was loud and pulsating. Rocky looked around and absorbed the vibe. She was lost in thought when a loud horn sounded. She looked up to see the Islander team taking the ice. She hadn’t even noticed that she held her breath until she saw Tito step out onto the ice following Barzal. She smiled and exhaled as her eyes stayed glued to him. 

She couldn’t help but notice the difference in him. His face was devoid of expression and his eyes focused on the ice in front of him as the group began to make laps around their end of the ice. Gone was the friendly, but somewhat introverted Beauregard that she knew. In place was a determined and focused warrior. Rocky was tempted to bang on the glass when Barzal took a position in front of her seats to begin his stretches. She decided against creating a potential awkward moment. Instead she searched for Tito, she found him on the opposite side of the ice, stretching as well.

A high pitched squeal of "Barzy" penetrated the air and he leisurely looked over his shoulder to find the source. A gaggle of college girls stood behind Rocky holding a sign that said "Barzy- You can go 5 hole on us." He smirked and shook his head before noticing Rocky, who very obviously focused on something that had her complete attention. He had a hunch on the object of her focus. It was confirmed when he followed her sight line that went straight to Tito. 

He almost shouted across the ice, but thought better of it. Instead he waited, they stood next to each other for a drill. "Hey Tito, why didn't you say anything about Rocky being here tonight," Barzal remarked casually, "Those are better seats than we normally get to give away. Did you ask for extra nice ones for her?"

Tito's head spun around in surprise, "What? Where?"

Barzal pointed to Rocky's location. Tito looked and saw her staring in his direction. He felt his stomach flip while a smile spread across his face. He waved shyly and Rocky felt her face flush.

"Did that player just wave at you?" Kelly asked. He turned to Rocky who waved back to Tito before she turned to face him. 

“Yeah, I know him from the shop,” she answered evasively. Immediately she felt a pang of guilt hit. Between her earlier fascination and not completely honest answer, she walked the boundary of both her relationship with Kelly AND Tito. She added, “I actually did a tattoo for him a couple of weeks ago.” 

“Oh,” Kelly turned to assess the hockey player, “So that’s why your schedule has blown up recently. You are tattooing ‘celebrities’ these days. Good for you.”

Rocky turned to Kelly with her arms folded. “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Did I say that it was a bad thing?” Kelly questioned incredulously. 

The couple stood and stared at each other.. The stare down lasted long enough to attract Tito’s attention. His eyes widened slightly when Rocky’s angry expression registered. He started skating before his brain engaged. A guttural instinct took over. Someone had upset his Raquelle and that- it was just unacceptable. He hit the boards immediately in front of Kelly with enough force to knock Kelly’s beer off the ledge he had left it sitting on. The beer splashed Kelly’s jeans while the sound of the hit reverberated through the area. Kelly looked down at his pants, then to Tito who stared him down on the other side of the glass. “Hey!” Kelly yelled as Tito looked at Rocky who stood with her jaw dropped. 

Her mind raced to imagine a justification for Tito’s actions and she could find none. Her look of confusion felt like a stab in the heart to Tito. Rocky turned to Kelly who burst out laughing. The reaction of the crowd in the section was the rousing cheer of approval and amusement. Tito winked at Rocky before he skated off to the bench. “Hey Jake,” Tito called the equipment manager, “You have any money?”

“Why?” the assistant equipment yelled back.

“I knocked that guy’s beer over. I need to buy him another one,” Tito explained.. “Come on, you know I am good for it,” Tito cajoled. Jack turned to delegate the task to one of the team interns when Tito yelled again. 

As he made his request, Jake looked on incredulously. “You owe me, Beau- you owe me,” he laughed as he walked away. 

In the brief time between end of warm-up and puck drop, a hapless team intern came bounding down the steps toward Kelly and Rocky. He stood at the end of the row and yelled down to them. “Hey, Tito bought you a beer to replace the one he knocked over,” the intern said cheerfully as he passed the cup of beer down the row. Then he passed down the large coffee cup and added, “This is for Rocky?” Kelly eyed her suspiciously as Rocky waited for the cup. When she received it, she glanced to get confirmation. It was her ridiculously complicated drink. Tito made someone go to Starbucks and return with a coffee specifically made for her. 

“Can you tell him thank you?” she smiled at the intern. 

“You can tell him yourself,” the intern responded, “He wants me to bring you down to the locker room after the game. Wait here and I will come get you after the third period.” 

“Wow,” Kelly quipped, “That must have been one hell of a tattoo you did for him. You’re getting VIP treatment.”

Later, toward the end of the second period, Rocky leaned forward and intently watched the faceoff taking place in front of her. Kelly had made an early exit to beat the line at the concession stand. The Islanders were in a tight, chippy game against the Dallas Stars- the score tied up at one. Tito lined up against Jamie Benn who acknowledged him with a head nod. Tito looked back over his shoulder and glanced at Rocky but then returned his focus to the task at hand. Benn laughed, “Is that your girl? She looks like fun.” 

Tito responded with a shove to Benn’s chest, “Shut up.” Benn retaliated with a stick poke and a smile- content with the knowledge that he had found a way to get under Tito’s skin. Both resumed position again but began jostling sticks back and forth. When the puck dropped, he used his stick to upend Tito. 

 The move drew the ire of the Islander crowd and Rocky stood up and yelled, “Hey, you can’t do that.” Benn smiled even bigger as Tito got up and launched a shove into his opponent’s chest. The captain grabbed a hold of the stick and they jostled for a few moments before Tito dropped his gloves and reached to pull Benn down into a headlock before he started swinging. He landed several punches before the bigger man was able to pull him down to the ground. Refs separated them. Tito ripped off his helmet as he got back to his feet and shook his head. . 

Benn smiled, sure that he had instigated Tito into a penalty. During a tie game, drawing a penalty was crucial. His smile soon disappeared when he realized that it was he that was getting the extra penalty for his trip. Tito gave him a smile, “Thanks for the power play. It will come in handy.” 

He entered the penalty box casually, sitting down on the bench and placing his helmet beside him. He wiped his face with the towel as Benn yelled from his box. Tito looked over lazily as he caught his breath. “Lucky you,” the captain yelled and pointed. Tito turned around to see Rocky staring intently at him, her brow furrowed slightly. She quickly smiled as he turned around. 

Tito scooted on the bench so that he was closer to her. Suddenly, he forgot where he was and focused on her smile. “Fancy meeting you here, Mon Ami,” he greeted  her. 

“Beauregard…..” she spoke in an exaggerated drawl, “I’m not a hockey expert, but I do believe that you are supposed to stay OUT of the penalty box.”

“Raquelle…..” he began with a little more accent than necessary. Rocky felt her cheeks begin to flush. Tito stared at her face, “If I stayed OUT of the box, then we wouldn’t have this chance to chat. You know that chatting with you is my favorite thing in the world.” Rocky leaned forward and grinned. 

Somewhere in the TV control room, a producer proclaimed, “Are you guys seeing this?” The director looked up as the producer shared the camera view into the Islander penalty box onto the large screen. There, in the picture, were Tito and Rocky shamelessly flirting. Within seconds, the shot was on live TV with the Islanders TV announcers commenting on it. 

“Butch,” Brendan Burke chuckled, “It seems like we have a bit of an off-ice situation happening here.” 

Back in their bubble, Rocky joked, “I knew you were trouble when you walked in…”

Tito retorted, “It’s me. Hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”

“At tea time, everybody agrees,” she finished. 

Back in the control room, one of the female interns shouted out, “Holy shit, they are quoting Taylor Swift to each other.” 

The director yelled, “No fucking way!” He suddenly had visions of a viral moment. The information was relayed to the announcers. 

Tito moved on to another song, “Best believe I’m still bejeweled, When I walk in the room I can still make the whole place shimmer.” 

Rocky picked up, “And when I meet the band, They ask “Do you have a man?” I can still say, ‘I don’t remember’” 

Inside the control room, the announcer's booth and the entire Islanders liveblog tag on Tumblr, people watching were losing their collective minds. Comments flew back and forth- “Do you think he even knows that there is a game still going on? The moment was interrupted by the penalty box attendant who tapped Tito on the shoulder, “Fifteen seconds, dude.” 

Tito’s head spun around and he remembered where he was. He quickly gathered his equipment and stood by the door. He turned to Rocky and smiled. She started “I’ll spend forever wondering if you knew I was enchanted to meet you.” 

The door opened and Tito skated onto the ice. He glanced back and saw Kelly returning to his seat. He handed Rocky a bottle of water and she looked like she wanted to melt into the floor. The voice inside Tito's  head finished the lyric, “Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you.” He felt the sharp pain in his abdomen like a punch to a gut. It pulled him out of dream-like state and back into the reality of the game. “Use this,” he said to himself, “Use the pain as motivation.” 

His eyes returned to the play and he saw his opening as he gained speed. He knocked Miro Heiskanen off the puck and took it onto his stick. He weaved his way through the two defensemen and circled the net. He passed the puck to Barzal who shot it at the net. Jake Oettinger coughed up a juicy rebound that landed on Tito’s stick. He lifted the puck up and over Oettinger’s shoulder into the net. It took a second for Tito to realize what had just happened. He was swarmed by his teammates as the arena erupted in cheers. 

He looked over to see Kelly pick Rocky into his arms and swing her around. He quickly turned to accept congratulatory pats on the head from his teammates. Rocky’s head spun while in Kelly’s arm to find Tito. When she found him on the bench, she swallowed hard. The focused expression on his face had returned and he stared directly in front of him. It was Rocky’s turn to feel the gnawing ache in her stomach. The period ended and she watched him walk to the tunnel without looking back. 

The Islander locker room buzzed with excitement of the new lead. Round of "Thatta boy, Beau, spread around the room. Tito didn't respond. Instead he replayed his time in the penalty box -the ease of talking to Rocky, the way she pulled him out of the game, the butterflies he felt when he looked into her eyes. He could have stayed lost in that moment for the rest of his life.

His thoughts were interrupted by Anders Lee's voice. "Sooooo who is the girl and can we buy her a beer?" he joked.

"Please don’t be in love with someone else. Please don’t have somebody waiting on you," ran through his head. The memory of her hug with Kelly flashed in his brain. Tito gritted his teeth and shook his head. "She's nobody- just the woman who did my tat," he spit out, 'She's nobody." With that, he got up to find the intern from earlier. Barzal watched in silence before getting up and following him. The rest of the team looked at each other in confusion. 

Barzal caught up as Tito finished his conversation. "Are you sure" the intern asked. Tito nodded his head.

"Sure about what?" Barzal questioned.

"Sure that I don't want her to come down after the game," Tito answered emphatically.

"Why?" Barzal questioned as they walked back to the room.

"Because I said so dumbass," Tito muttered as he put on his gear.

Upstairs,the intern made his way to Rocky's seats. Kelly looked confused when the intern gently explained, "Tito is not going to be able to see you after the game after all. There is a mandatory team meeting that he can't miss." 

Rocky blinked. She knew it was a lie but didn't want to argue or appear too eager to see Tito.. "Oh okay- well, tell him that I will see him around I guess.” She tried to hide the disappointment on her face, but Kelly knew her well enough to spot the fake smile. They rode in uncomfortable silence back to their apartment. 

Later in bed, they faced opposite walls with their backs to each other. “So that’s who you've been texting recently?” Kelly asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” she said softly, “He has been teaching me about hockey.”

"Clearly it worked. You were really focused on the game. I am glad you had a good time. You deserved it." Kelly yawned "Good night Rox. Love you."

"Ditto, Kels," she replied softly. Rocky's phone began to buzz. She picked it up.

Daisy: Girl…

Rocky: What?

Daisy: You're viral.

Rocky: What? How?

Daisy sent her the link to SportCenter and the segment about Tito's time in the penalty box. Rocky watched in a combination of sweet memory and horror. She thought back to what she felt in the moment. The feeling had been so pure and she struggled to name it. It finally dawned on her- joy. 

"What's the problem with joy?" She asked herself as the dread and horror spread around her body. It had been so long since she had experienced true joy. She couldn't remember when the last time was. One thing she knew that it wasn't with Kelly- the person who she should share joy with.

She looked back at Kelly with a wistful look. "I have to be better," she said to herself, "He deserves better." She rolled over and watched the clip again. The feeling of joy returned as she watched Tito's face and a thought popped into her head, "Don't you deserve better?" She pursed her lips and turned off her phone.

Barzal/Beauvillier condo- Long Island

"Fuck you, I would have made that shot,," Tito yelled out to no one in particular as the NHL22 game played. Barzal gave him a side eye and continued playing the video game.

After Tito added "motherfucker,"  Barzal paused the game. Tito protested meekly before Barzal cut him off, “What in the hell is your problem dude?”

“I don’t have a problem,” Tito countered. 

“Don’t lie to me Beau. It insults my intelligence,” Barzal challenged. Tito began a pithy response, but stopped when he saw his roommate’s expression. The concern was apparent and completely out of character for Barzal. “Does it have something to do with Rocky?” Barzal asked quietly. Tito leaned back and let out an exaggerated sigh. “I am going to take that as a yes,” Barzal continued, “Want to talk about it?”

“There is nothing to talk about. I misread her signals,” Tito spit out, “I thought there might be something there, but clearly I am wrong.” 

“I am not so sure about that dude,” Barzal sighed. The brunette turned and studied his roommate's face. He pondered his next words carefully.   "Look, I was going to wait and let you find out tomorrow, but there is something that you need to see." He pulled out his phone and started the video of Tito and Rocky from the penalty box.

Tito smiled involuntarily at Rocky as his finger went caress her face on the phone screen. He wanted to push the feeling down but it swept over him like a tidal wave. Barzal chuckled, "Dude, you have it bad. You are so into her."

"Too bad she isn't into me," Tito whined.

"Look, she may have a boyfriend, but she is into you," Barzal countered. Tito began to shake his head but Barzal interjected, "Look at her face when she looks at you. She desn't look at her boyfriend that way. I watched her during the game. Trust me there is something there, Beau. It wasn’t just during your penalty. Her eyes were on you the entire game.."

"So what should I do? She has a boyfriend," Tito asked.

"Be patient until she figures it out," Barzal suggested, “I don’t know much but I know that she doesn’t look at him the way she looks at you.”

"So business as usual?" Tito asked. Barzal nodded his head. "One Sec," Tito held up his hand. He reached for his phone and typed a quick text to Rocky,

Tito: Hey sorry we couldn't connect after the game, but it was great to see you. 

Rocky: I thought you were mad at me.

Tito: Never mon ami

Rocky: You sure?

Tito: 100% sure 

Rocky: You wouldn't lie to me, would you Beaugard?

Tito: Raquelle, you wound me 

Rocky: Sweet dreams. Great game by the way

Tito: Thanks- good night

Three days later-INKED ON ICE Tattoo Shop

Rocky tidied her work station and eyed the door.  She had received a terse text from Kelly during her last appointment that simply said "We need to talk. I am working at Starbucks. Let me know when you can chat.” She responded with an equally terse "It will be fifteen minutes as I finish up. It can't wait until tonight?"

"No- I don't want to have this conversation after midnight," was the response.

Precisely fifteen minutes later, Rocky looked up when she sensed his presence and their eyes locked. Her soft smile was met with pursed lips. "Hey," she said as she kissed his cheek before he settled into his seat. His hands held a to-go coffee cup that she was certain contained her order to perfection. "What's up?" she asked casually.

Kelly studied her next design before he sat down. His eyes looked at her askance. His mouth opened and shut several times. With each time, Rocky felt a knot in her stomach develop. "Rocky….." he began, "...... you know I love you. I have loved you since kindergarten when you walked up to me, the new kid, and announced that we were going to be best friends." Rocky smiled at the memory. He continued, "You were the girl, Rocky. You were the girl I was going to love forever. You were my past, you were my present, and you were going to be my future."

Rocky gulped, "Were?"

Kelly swallowed hard, "Yes, were. You have to know that we haven't been working for a while. We lead completely different lives with completely different goals. I don't think it's fixable, Rox. I don't think we can make it work now.

"Kelly, I love you. You know that. There is no one I love more than you," Rocky gasped. 

"I know, Rox. I love you too. You are my favorite person but somewhere along the way, we fell out of love with each other. It doesn't make you the bad guy and it doesn't make me the bad guy. We are just two best friends whose lives are on separate tracks," he spoke in a hushed tone. "I tried to ignore it but I can't anymore. I deserve to be in love and you deserve to be in love.” Rocky stared at the ground as his words sunk into her soul. Her head popped up when he said, “Honestly, I think you are in love."

Rocky stood up, "What are you talking about? There isn't anyone but you. You think I am cheating on you?"

"Tito," he stared into her eyes, "I saw it when I saw the video."

"We were just goofing off and being silly," she exclaimed.

“During a game? A game that he is passionate about?” Kelly countered, "And when was the last time we goofed off like that?" Kelly sighed, “I can’t ignore the evidence. I mean it went viral.” 

"I didn’t mean for it to go viral," she countered weakly, “We’re friends I swear. Nothing else. He just gets me. Kelly- he and I are just friends.”

"I believe that you think that," he stood up to walk to her, "I believe that you are doing everything in your power to honor your commitment to me. You are denying what your heart is telling you."

"And what do you think it's telling me?” she whispered.

"That you are not in love with me anymore and if I were out of the picture, you would fall in love with him," he reached for her hand. "Look, I could tell at the game. It's there and I would be a fool to try to deny it."

"I don't want to hurt you," she cried, "I don't want to break your heart."

Kelly intertwined his fingers into hers. "It would break my heart to settle for less than we deserve. You deserve to be in love. You deserve someone who wants the crazy lives you two lead." He stopped and inhaled, "And I deserve someone who wants the white picket fence, the PTA and the ordinary life I crave. I deserve someone in love with me." 

Tears streamed down Rocky's face, "I'm sorry."

Kelly wiped her tears with his thumbs, "Don't be. Don't be sorry for being you. I love you. I love you enough to set us free."

"I love you, Kelly," she leaned her forehead into his chest, "I'll always love you."

"I know, but now it's time to love each other from a distance," he kissed the top of her head, "One day we can be best friends again."

"I would like that," she looked up at him, "So we're over? We're really over?"

"Yeah," he smiled, "at least as lovers."

Out in the lobby, Tito held his finger up to his lips as he entered the shop to keep Daisy from announcing his arrival. In his hand, he held a large coffee and protein box. He turned the corner and stopped in his tracks. Kelly stood with his arms wrapped around Rocky’s back. Her face was nuzzled into his neck. Tito’s body lurched like he had been punched in the stomach. “I love you Rox,” Kelly smiled as he set her down and kissed the top of her head. He then turned around to walk past Tito. He glanced at Tito, who stood frozen, and smiled. Rocky watched the exchange in numb silence. Tito watched Kelly leave the shop and then turned his head to look at Rocky. She gave him a soft smile. Internally, Tito’s mind raced. He didn’t have an agenda when he decided to drop by and see Rocky, but he certainly didn’t expect to witness such a tender moment. “Snap out of it, Beauvillier,” he told himself, “You got the wrong idea. She has a boyfriend- one that she loves even if you can't make it make sense to your brain.” 

“Hey Beauregard,” she stepped toward, “To what do I owe this surprise?” She fought to keep the tears out of her eyes and her voice smooth and steady. They exchanged a look and Rocky watched as Tito’s expression hardened before her. 

“I, uhhhhh, was in the neighborhood, “ he began. He couldn’t think of a singular good reason why he would be here that didn’t involve a fervent desire to kiss her. So like all good men when forced to face an uncomfortable emotion, he lied. “I wanted to be sure that you were still eating,” he stammered, “You need to eat so you can keep doing good tattoos. I vouched for you and uhhhhhh, I don’t want anyone who listened to me to be disappointed by a sucky tattoo because your blood sugar level dropped.” 

He thrust the coffee and food into her hands. Before she could protest, he was half-way to an escape. “Thanks for the coffee, Beauregard,” she called out to him. She could see his body flinch but he kept moving. Rocky watched in despair as he made his retreat. 

What had happened? After their post-game chat, Tito had been reserved but still friendly. Now he was running away because of why she did not know.  Rocky replayed Kelly’s words in her brain. “If I were out of the picture, you would fall in love with him,” he had said. She sighed bitterly and added, “Yeah, but Kels, clearly he will not fall in love with me.”

 She turned to walk back into her section and looked around. She had two consultations and three appointments scheduled. She went to her table and sat down. She started the music but quickly turned it off when the starting notes of “Lover” began. Impulsively, she picked up her sketchbook and threw it across the room. Loose papers and notes tucked into it scattered on the floor. “Whoa,” JD whistled as he entered her section, “What happened here?” 

Rocky got down on her hands and knees to gather the papers to her chest. She placed her hand on a blank piece of paper and flipped it over. It was Tito’s tattoo design. Tears filled her eyes and she sat back on her heels. JD looked at the paper and then back at Rocky. Her face dissolved into tears. “Rocky?” he questioned, “What happened?” 

"Kelly broke up with me," she cried.

"What? Why?" JD resigned himself to getting down on the floor and sat next to her.

Rocky wiped her nose with her arm. "He wants sunshine and I am midnight rain," she explained to JD as if he would understand. The words brought Tito to her mind and she started sobbing again. "Beauregard would understand," she thought to herself. 

JD sat patiently and waited for a break in the sobs. He had not been sure when Rocky had shown up at the shop, boldly asking for an apprenticeship. He found himself unable to say no despite the fact that had never mentored anyone before her, something he had taken great pride in. However in the almost year later, they had formed a unique friendship despite their age difference. 

"I am going to assume that was some sort of Taylor Swift reference," he said drolly, "Care to explain it to the non-Swiftie?"

"He was this whole corporate life with the house in the suburbs and PTA wife," she sighed. "I was going to try to make it work," she continued, "but things changed and he didn't want to try anymore." 

"You mean he didn't want to try to force a relationship with a woman clearly in love with another man?" he asked gently. Her jaw dropped and she started to protest. "I saw Beauvillier leave," he added.

"Yeah, you saw him leave. He couldn't get out of here fast enough," she cried, "Clearly he isn't interested."

"I think the evidence points to the contrary," JD countered, "but his loss if that's true." They sat in silence for a few minutes. "You know, I think you are ready to end the apprenticeship."

Her head shot up, "Getting dumped twice in one day. That has to be a record."

"I am not DUMPING you. I am telling you that you have freedom to choose your next path," he explained. "You are ready, Rocky," he nudged her shoulder.

"You think I am ready to go solo, really?" Rocky asked in earnest, "What if I fail?"

"I have a feeling that you are going to fly," he leaned over and kissed the top of her head.

"What should I do about Tito?" She asked.

"I think that you shouldn't go from one man to another. If you are going to go solo, then go solo," JD spoke, "but potentially? Yeah, I saw you on Sportscenter and ship it. That's the right word, right?"

"You're learning, old man," Rocky joked.

 Daisy poked her head in the room, "Ummmm, I didn't mean to eavesdrop but I overheard about Kelly." Rocky looked up at her. "I canceled the rest of your day and tomorrow," Daisy added, "Pack up your stuff. I am taking you home and we're having a meeting of the 'Boys are stupid and they suck' committee. No arguments, Rocky. We are going to laugh and we are going to cry until you don't need to anymore." Rocky's eyes filled with tears. "See, you've already started." 

Hours later, Rocky stood in the guest bathroom of Cameron and Daisy's large home. She looked at her face. Her eyes were puffy from tears but she felt a wave of peace wash over her body. Daisy and she had discussed her future and what she wanted. As much as she felt a pull toward Tito, she could not shake the feeling that she needed time. JD was right. She couldn't jump from one man to another man. Rocky had spent her entire adult life committed to Kelly. It was time to spread her wings and fly. She felt confident that even if she crashed and burned that she was strong enough to make it on her own. 

She took a deep breath and picked up her phone. She noticed two things- no communication from Tito and a text from Kelly. She opened the text and smiled, "Rox, I miss you already but know that our destiny lies as best friends. I will be here waiting to see where your destiny takes you. You are capable of greatness. I'll love you forever."

She typed out her response to Kelly. Then she hit the dial button.

"Hey Rocky,” the voice on the other end answered.

"Is that job offer still good?" Rocky asked. 

"Yes, are you considering it?" The voice asked.

"If you still want me," Rocky responded.

"Pack your bags. I have a guest house you can use until you get settled. Can you be here in a week?" Cat smiled.

"See you then," Rocky smiled.

STATE OF GRACE

A WEEK LATER- ISLANDERS PRACTICE FACILITY

"Hey Tito," Kelly called to him as he exited the ice after practice.

Tito stopped and stared, "What the fuck does he want?" He thought to himself. 

Kelly held out a cardboard tube and Tito, "It's from Rocky."

"A delivery? From Rocky?" He called back, "Why didn't she deliver it herself?"

"I think you know why," Kelly replied dryly. Tito thought about the multiple texts and calls from her that he had ignored. "Just read the card," Kelly added before he turned to walk away.

Tito ripped the card open and read it quickly. 

Beauregard-

I hope this note finds you well. This is not the way I wanted to tell you but I am moving.

Tito's eyes snapped up, "You two are moving?"

"No, just her," Kelly explained. Tito tilted his head in question. "We broke up last week. In fact, the day I saw you at the shop, " Kelly added.

Tito thought back to the day. He had been so quick to jump to the wrong conclusion. "You idiot," he told himself, "You fucking idiot." He continued to read.

I tried texting and calling several times, but those have not been returned. I have decided to make a fresh start in a new city. All of my adult life has been bending myself and sacrificing my dream to allow Kelly to pursue his dream. I am going to some place brand new and testing my wings to see if I can fly on my own.

Tito smiled to himself, "Oh mon ami, Raquelle, you can fly. Oh how high you will fly."

I am sad to leave you and our friendship. I didn't want to leave without saying two things. First, I am thankful that fate brought us together as friends. Your friendship reminded me who I am, the part of me that I had hidden away to fit into the mold of what Kelly wanted and needed. I am Midnight Rain and that's okay. Thank you for accepting me and all my quirks. Not only did you accept them- you embraced them which helped me embrace them too. 

Second- I am thankful for the joy that you brought back to me. It had been so long since I felt the joy that I felt with you. I love you, Beauregard. I don't believe that our journey is over. In fact I think that you are just at the beginning of a wonderful life full of adventure and more importantly, love. You will bring so much joy  to the life of the woman who you love and she will be so lucky. So long for now. In the words of our Queen Taylor- "And when you find everything you looked for, I hope your life leads you back to my door. Goodbye, Mon Ami." 

He pulled out the sketch of his tattoo out of the cardboard tube. She had written- "Never forget the joy of hockey. Keep it in your heart forever just like I will keep the joy of you in my heart forever." 

"Goodbye Mon Amour," Tito whispered as he placed the drawing back into the cardboard tube, "No, not goodbye-see ya later."

THREE MONTHS LATER- BEAN AROUND THE WORLD COFFEE SHOP-VANCOUVER

The coffee shop was crowded with the morning rush. The barista greeted Rocky with a smile. In the three months since she had moved to  Vancouver, she had become a regular so there was no need to give her order.

"So what's your day look like?" Lauren, the barista from England, asked cheerfully. 

"I have an easy day today. Only two appointments and a consultation," Rocky answered with a grin.

"Ahhhh," Lauren winked as she rolled her sleeve so her new tattoo was prominently on display, "I'll advertise for walk-ins." Since getting inked by Rocky, Lauren had fed a steady stream or referrals over to the tattoo shop. The large black and gray realistic wolf was a showstopper and customers complimented her on it daily. 

"Keep that up and I'll have to give you a discount on that sleeve we discussed," Rocky quipped.

"Don't tempt me," the Brit joked. Rocky moved down to the pick up counter to wait for her drink. She faced away from the crowd and studied her phone.

Further down the line, Elias Pettersson stood with his new linemate. They had just completed a practice and workout. "So you are set in your airBNB?" The Swedish superstar asked, “No issues?”

Tito looked up as they moved up to the counter, "Yeah, I'm all set." Tito had been traded to Vancouver earlier in the week in a trade that the hockey media dubbed "The Bo for Beau exchange".  His first game was the next night, "I really like the area. It's got a cool vibe." Canucks players segregated themselves - the married players sought the comforts of the suburbs while the single guys stayed close to the active nightlife by the arena.

"What can I get you, Petey?" Lauren asked the Swede. After he gave his simple order, she turned to Tito, "and you?"

Tito rattled off his order, "Unsweet iced coffee with an extra shot with skim milk, 2 pumps of sugar free vanilla syrup, 2 Splenda and light caramel drizzle."

Lauren looked up in disbelief. What were the odds that TWO people would have that same, very specific coffee order? "Can you repeat that?" she asked. Just then the other barista that made the coffees called, "Order for Rocky." 

Tito shook his head in disbelief. Surely he had misheard. They hadn't said Rocky and if they did, it couldn't be HIS Rocky. He turned to see the petite pixie walking toward the door. Her hair was now a pastel pink but there was no mistaking that it was indeed HIS Rocky. He immediately chastised himself, "You have no claim on her, especially with the way she had left." Undeterred, he started weaving his way through the crowded shop while his mind raced. She was here in Vancouver. He was here in Vancouver. His path was blocked at every step. He stopped and yelled "Raquelle!"

She stopped and turned. It sounded like Tito but it made no sense. Why would he be in Vancouver? "No," she told herself as searched the sea of faces unsuccessfully, "You're imagining things." She turned back around and headed down the crowded street. 

Tito felt the air leave his lungs when she turned at the sound of his voice. She was here. It felt like a dream so he gave chase. Petersson  called after him, "Beau!!" The call landed on deaf ears as Tito made it out to the street.

Fifteen minutes later, a dejected Tito entered the coffee shop. He found Petey sitting at a small table with a bemused smile on his face. "Where did you take off to?" The platinum blonde asked as he handed Tito his coffee.  

"A girl," Tito spoke breathlessly,  "A girl I knew from Long Island."

"Let me guess. Her name is Rocky?" The Swede said although he had pieced together some info.

Tito took the coffee and sat down, “Yeah. I can’t believe she is here. What are the odds that we would be here at the same time?” 

“So this girl- is she an ex or something?” Petersson.

Tito paused before answering, “It’s complicated.”

Petersson raised a single eyebrow, “Men and women are not that complicated unless you make it complicated.”

“She’s the one that got away,” Tito sighed.

“So go after her,” the Swede replied. 

“You saw me try. She vanished. I searched, but if I didn’t know better, I would think she was a figment of my imagination. 

Now that the rush had subsided, Lauren walked through the shop- straightening tables and greeting customers. “Who is a figment of your imagination?” the beautiful brunette asked with a smile. 

Petersson answered, “The elusive Rocky who apparently is the owner of Beau’s heart.”

“You know Rocky?” she replied in her delightful accent, “it makes sense now.”

“Wait, what makes sense?” Tito questioned. 

“It makes sense you know each other. You have the same coffee order,” Lauren pondered, “You are the only two people with that order.”

“You KNOW Rocky?” Tito practically jumped out of his seat, “So she is a regular here? She LIVES here in Vancouver?”

“She moved here a few months back. She’s been a regular since starting at the tattoo shop- Pink Ink,” she answered, “She did my wolf.” She held out her arm for Tito to examine. 

Tito looked down and studied the tattoo. It was Rocky’s work all right. There was no mistaking her technique. He could tell immediately it was her design and work.  He head spun with this newfound information. Electricity ran through his body. Rocky- his Raquelle- was here. She was so close he could feel her pull him to her like a magnet pulling a piece of metal.

 Lauren studied him quietly but the realization hit her. “Wait a minute! You’re the guy from that video. The hockey one with the penalty box. Bloody hell, that’s you?….. And she’s the gal, right?” she exclaimed.  Tito smiled and nodded his head yes. 

“But that doesn’t mean anything now,” Tito said, suddenly filled with apprehension. They hadn’t ended on good terms. Well, more specifically he had acted like an idiot. What if she had moved on already? What if she had sworn off men altogether? Did he still have a chance?

When Tito looked up, she saw the questions in his eyes. “She said she had unfinished business in Long Island with a guy. I didn’t recognize her with the new hair. By the looks of it, her unfinished business must be you.” Tito’s jaw dropped when she continued, “Don’t just stand there. This is True Love. You think this happens every day?”

“Princess Bride!” Petersson exclaimed- proud that he caught the pop culture reference. Tito glared at him. “What? I am a man of many layers,” the Swede continued. 

“Where is that shop?” Tito interrupted as he stood up and started walking towards the door. “What’s the name of it?” He heard her answer, Pink Ink, and Googled as he walked. He smiled when he realized how close the shop was and hit the call button on his phone. 

Rocky puttered around her station, getting ready for the day. She overheard Emily, the receptionist, answer the phone. “Pink Ink where we specialize in sarcasm, good tattoos and fighting the patriarchy. How can I help you?”

“Hi….uhhhh,” Tito stammered, “I’d like to get a tattoo. I have heard good things about a Rocky?” 

“Oh yeah, Rocky? She’s one of the best,” Emily answered, “When did you want to come in??” Rocky stopped in her tracks to listen to the conversation. 

“Now?” Tito hesitated. 

“Sure, I’ll let her know that she has someone coming in,” the receptionist responded. “Can I get a name? Okay, great- see you soon.” Emily got up and walked to Rocky’s room. “Hey you have basically a last minute tattoo.” Rocky nodded her head in understanding as she finished lighting her candles and started her playlist. “Yeah, some guy named Beauregard,” Emily called as she headed back to the front. 

Rocky spun around and walked out to the hallway, “I’m sorry. What did you say the name was….” Her head turned as the front door chimed and the door opened. “Did you say Beauregard?” Rocky questioned. Tito walked in and Rocky’s jaw dropped. 

“Raquelle!” he exclaimed as he walked in, “Fancy meeting you here.” 

Rocky stood frozen in disbelief. She willed her mouth to say something. She willed her body to move. “Do something!” her mind screamed, “Do something.” She watched him walk towards in what felt like slow motion. Suddenly the message hit the message center of the neurons that controlled her body and her body launched into motion. She sprinted to him and threw herself into his waiting arms. 

“Beauregard,” she cried out, “What are you doing here?”’ Her brain raced for answers. “Do you have a game here? How did you find me?” she quizzed, “I don’t care. I don’t care. You’re here.”

“Well, you did say you hope my life leads me back to your door. So here I am,” he laughed as he swung her around. When he stopped to keep from getting dizzy, they stared at each other. Breathless, they stayed glued to each other- their lips nearly touching. 

Rocky’s eyes scanned his face. His bright blue eyes sparkled as she searched for any clue as to his thoughts or feelings. Internally, she questioned “What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if he is just glad to see his friend?” The doubtful thought was immediately met with the equally loud thought, “Take the chance, Rocky- take the chance.” She brought lips to his lips in a tentative kiss. The electricity jolted through their bodies and together, they deepened the kiss. 

“Mon Amour,” he moaned, “Raquelle, mon amour.” They kissed in the hallway, oblivious to their surroundings. 

Finally, Rocky broke the kiss and he set her down gently. She took his hand to guide him to her room. When they stepped inside, she turned to him and asked, “Wait, did you say Mon Amour?”

“Yes, I did,” he pulled her to him, “Rocky, I love you. I have loved you from the moment you shot me down and told me that you saw a whole world hidden behind my eyes.”

“But I live here now, Beauregard,” she protested. 

“So do I,” he kissed her, “So do I.”

“Wait, what?” she questioned, “You live here? In Vancouver?”

“Oui, I was traded earlier this week. Life literally brought me to your door, or coffee shop, to be exact.” he answered. When she looked confused, he told her the story about their almost meeting at the coffee shop. 

It was Rocky’s turn to kiss him, “Remind me that I owe Lauren that sleeve.”

“I owe her everything,” he smiled.

“Did you really want a tattoo or was that a ploy?” she smiled as she studied his face. 

“I definitely want a tattoo,” he laughed. 

“Oh?” she took a step back. 

He pulled up his shirt and pointed to his chest. “I am thinking of getting Raquelle right above my heart in a fancy script. Think you can do that?”

“I mean it’s the kiss of death for relationships. How long have you been with this Raquelle?” she mocked. 

“For about sixty seconds, but I have a good feeling about her,” he teased. 

“Maybe you should at least wait until after your first date,” she poked his chest before inhaling sharply as she caught sight of his abs. 

“That’s a good idea. I have an idea for the perfect first date,” he quipped as they fell into the easy rhythm of their banter. 

“What’s that?” she quipped back. 

“Have you ever heard of Taylor Swift?” he laughed, “She has a concert this summer near here. You might like her.”

Rocky laughed, “You are going to make me wait until July for our first date? So rude.”

“Fine,” he kissed her before he continued, “How about hockey? I know a guy who can get you into the Canucks game tonight.”

“Perfect first date,” she returned his kiss. Suddenly the words of JD rang in her head- Don’t jump from one man to another. Rocky pushed off of his chest and took several steps back. 

“Raquelle?” he questioned, “Did something happen?”

Rocky studied him for a moment, trying to verbalize her thoughts. "Beauregard, I like my life. I have a good job. I have good friends. I worked hard to create a life that makes me happy, and I am absolutely not changing it to fit into yours no matter how much I adore you."

"Raquelle, I don't want you to change anything for me. You're perfect exactly the way you are. Don't change a thing."

"I mean it Beau. I am not giving up my passion for you,"  she says as he inched toward her.

"I would be disappointed if you did," he said and took another step.

"You're really here in Vancouver?" she said, “Like for real?”

"Yes, I am," he said. 

“And you want to be with me?” she asked quietly.

“Yes, I do. I want it more than anything I have ever wanted before,” he continued. He placed his hand on her cheek as she smiled, "It looks like all along there was some invisible string tying you to me."

"You think quoting her majesty Queen Taylor will help your case?" she whispered as he stood inches from her mouth.

"I would call on the hockey gods if I thought it would help me," he smiled.

"Shut up and kiss me," she started to quip back. 

"Yes, Raquelle, yes Mon Amour" he cooed before he kissed her.

[cobaltqueen]

hi!! i really like your PL au, i love gajeel/lucy brotps and im a luvia girlie (romantic or not), so wanted to maybe propose some solutions to some of the things you said you were struggling with.

if you want gray still on galuna island you could have him hear some kind of rumor about deliora being there and go investigate, or if you want to not have PL involved at all and keep it relatively the same (natsu runs off on the quest, gray and erza end up following along) they could sell the key or advertise giving it away somehow for lucy to end up getting it (or, if you don’t need her to have it prior to her joining the guild, they could just keep it for if they find a trusted celestial wizard) could have that lead into my idea for the loke arc.

even if lucy gives up on being a fairy tail wizard i doubt she’d give up on being a writer, and so maybe she could travel to magnolia occasionally for writing purposes and meet loke there? then they just keep accidentally meeting at places and he starts trusting her that way, even if it’s not enough to reveal the whole circumstances? then it sorta depends on how fast they join fairy tail afterwards, but lucy could plausibly join faster than juvia and gajeel which would allow her to be there for the loke arc?

i don’t know if these make sense in your head but i’d love to hear more about this au <3

Hi! First off, I'm really glad you like the AU! I too am a fan of the dynamics between Lucy and Gajeel, and Lucy and Juvia. They can be so good if given the chance!!

Gray ending up on Galuna island specifically cause he heard rumors about the Deliora thing is a great idea! I wanted team Natsu (-Lucy) to still be on the island and finish the official quest because i think it's just necessary for Grays character development. So maybe something like: Gray hears the rumors, sneaks out, Natsu notices and goes after him with Happy just cause, and then Ezra follows the three of them?

For the key I was thinking that, since in canon Ezra refuses to accept the money reward since they didn't actually destroy the moon, they might leave the key this time too? After all there's no Lucy there. And maybe the old village chief guy makes another quest to "vanquish the moon" or something cause he's stubborn and this is the one Gajeel, Lucy and Juvia take, or maybe it's the same one they just show up late... ( i want this AU to stay a bit silly, i think it's funnier that way).

I'll try to post the Galuna Island doodles i made a while ago later

In regards to Loke, that is actually a really cool idea! It would also make a lot of sense, Loke is canonically a flirt and he did flirt with Lucy before he freaked out about her being a celestial wizard so if lets say, Lucy is out looking for inspiration and Loke is on a job they could feasibly meet and interact!

Thank you very much for those ideas they are very appreciated, i do hope i can give the characters and their dynamics justice!

Talking about them, I was thinking what name to give the Gajeel/ Lucy/ Juvia team. I can see Gajeel potentionally wanting to name it Team Gajeel (as a way to parallel Team Natsu) but also I'm not sure if that would be his go-to and i definetly think the girls would shut that down haha

[trans-luis-serra-navarro]

Hii!!!

Thank you so much for tagging me before, I hope this isn't too late (?) Days are hectic for me but nonetheless, I would very much like to touch up on your tips and advice you have when writing for Luis. I loved him in the remake, and I would very much love to do him justice in some form of written work!

Thank you for reaching out, this really helps me!!

<3

HIHIHI ITS NOT A PROBLEM AT ALL!!!!! And don’t worry it’s NEVER too late!!! I have stuff sitting in my inbox from like. December HCNEHNDJDJJXNS

I Must admit I’m not really an expert nor am I much of a profession fanfic writer or anything- I only do it for fun!!!! So if you want something like, more specific PLEASE pretty please feel free to ask I’d be more than happy to help!!!! But in terms of general tips and tricks??? Here’s a few that I have under the cut!!!

As weird as this is gonna sound a lot of time I’ll just go and watch Luis’ voice actor André Peña’s streams on Twitch to try and pick up on lil mannerisms or speech quirks that get shown in-game!!!! If I can find an example I’ll put it here, but just generally picking up on what Luis would theoretically sound like if he were talking in a casual conversation helps me out!!!!! (Also he’s just in general a very lovely guy and his twitch streams are always fun so I reccomended them if you’re able to catch one!!!)

On a similar note, if you’re watching any cutscenes and any small characteristic sticks out to you- use that to your advantage!!!! I’ve always noticed how he kinda smiles differently when in different situations/levels of stress/talking to different people so I use that to my advantage when writing scenes with him!!!!

OR OR EVEN, if you’re able to and have the time, go look at older livestreams where the cast talk about their roles in RE4R and see what André has to say about Luis!!!!!! I’m more than happy to link the streams once I can find them again if you want!!!!!!!!! Seeing the actors be so genuine and passionate about the characters and putting their whole selves into the role truly does make them feel just so,,,, h u m a n <<<<33

Also, I know everyone and their mother says this, but research truly does help!!!!! There’s a LOT of things people miss about his character if you only view him on a surface-level or go into his character assuming he’s just a cardboard cutout ‘bad-guy-turned-good’ Typa character, so reading analysis posts on him to get a better idea of why he does what he does and how he is as a person will really help!!!! (Obviously I’ve got my own posts under the tag #luisposting or #othersposts, but the lovely @blveherb has some amazing posts of their own I can’t recommend enough!!!!)

There’s a LOOOOOOT of just. Very incorrect misinformation out there HXNSUSJ (staring at you resident evil fan wiki. Staring at you. VERY HARD) so if you ever come across a post that seems to only lean towards a negative view of Luis as a character or never gives him the benefit of the doubt,,,, it most likely won’t have been made with good taste in mind or properly researched HCNEHENDUDJ

Also also also, looking for things that he was directly inspired by!!!!!! I C A N N O T make this post without mentioning the 1957 Don Quixote film- it’s free on YouTube and it is SOOOOOO SOSOSOSOSOSOSO GOOD!!!!! Capcom TRULY put their all into the Don Quixote symbolism in his character and if you’re able to get your hands on a copy of the book, it’s well worth the read!!!

AGAIN on a similar note- looking at his culture and history is SOOOOOOOO important!!!! For example, the beginning of Seperate Ways features Luis doing a style of Flamenco called ‘Seguiriyas’- and once I’m awake in the morning and fully able to navigate the horror of the tumblr tagging system I’ll look for a post that goes deeper into this HCNEHWNEUDJDIS but Indigenous and Spanish culture are full of such rich and beautiful history you can pull from it is SO worth taking a look!!! Not to mention, you can play around with the fact that Luis was raised pretty Hardcore Catholic or the fact that it’s implied his Grandfather fought in/would have survived the Spanish Civil war as concepts a ton!!!

And if you’re writing specifically for Serennedy, taking a look at the Queer history of Spain/Europe as a whole is DEFINITELY worth your time!!!!! Looking back and remembering the people who came before us is always important and lends a hand to how we perceive our own funny lil fictional guys BCBEHENEJDNXJ

That being said, I only ever see this with writers who already have bigoted views and you seem like literally the nicest person EVERRRRRR so this TOTALLY isn’t directed at you!!!!!! But it’s super important not to fall into just straight-up racist stereotypes- calling Luis a predator, saying he’s a sex-driven animal, generally referring to him as ‘dirty’ etc is stuff that unfortunately you don’t JUST see with Luis but with many other POC characters too (like Carlos for example- he gets the brunt of it a LOT) so when you see stuff like this, don’t be afraid to call it out!!!!!!

I HOPE THIS LONG ASS POST DIDNT SCARE YOU OFF OR ANYTHING AHDNWHENXUDNXIX I TRIED MY BEST TO COVER ALL OF MY BASES CUZ I WASNT SURE WHAT KIND OF TIPS YOU WANTED!!!!!!!!! Again if you want something more specific feel free to ask!!!!!!!!

[mapsofmystery]

on one hand i think maps should be the next robin - she is so fun and peppy, has great rapport w batman, and takes us full circle to having a robin that acts as the "light" for the batman mythos. dick quit because he was too emotionally scarred but not jaded or pessimistic enough to ever want the batman mantle. jason, tim, and damian are all troubled and full of tragedy. so maps would be able to fulfill the needs of what robin represents for both batman and the residents of gotham. i don't imagine her beyond gotham (but who knows for sure ?) and she already has amazing problem solving and detective skills plus her maps!!!

on the other hand, i don't see anyone in the batfam being supportive of this. all of the robins, batgirls, and others know what the position entails and i can't imagine any of them seeing this as a good thing for maps.

i think about how bruce wayne doesn't see himself as bruce wayne, in his mind, he refers to himself as batman... that is his identity and "bruce" is just who he pretends to be. the reason why he has this often times tense relationship with his family has a lot to do with how controlling he is. bruce is so mentally stuck that, sure, he finds kids that he thinks he can give a family too and they become his sidekicks and learn about justice and how to be hero by his side, but they age and they continue to grow. they become their own persons and grow/evolve past this very stagnant idea of robin. and there's also the matter of the previous attempts of writing batman beyond into the batman comics universes (which i am not a fan of personally). the bruce in that future is so lonely and bleak because he has pushed everyone away. everyone that he was close to changed, and all of his protèges developed while he stayed the same. he doesn't really allow himself to even be paternal or a bit soft until terry, and imo that's partly to do w the fact that terry was not raised by him in his formative years, terry already had a voice and opinions.

like i'm sure with maps' enthusiasm and determination, if she were to become robin, it would like "oh you have no choice because i'm going to continue to dress up and get in trouble" but knowing a version of the future and the strained relationships bruce creates because of his own issues... i'm just like... stay away from her! and it may have just been an easter egg, but seeing a screencap of that maps robin suit in wonder woman future state. WITH her little flower clip that she wears as a 14 year old... like oh no... if she is batman's next robin she is literally going to experience irreparable tragedy as robin... oh no... there's too much emotionally devastating potential when you have a really positive enthusiastic non-fighter i fear.... 🥹 do you get me??? like i want her to be the next robin,,... but at the same time... dc writers stay away from her!!! let her stay silly or give us more gotham academy!! 🤧

[seiwas]

hi sel!! #3, 23, & 24 for the end of year fanfic asks please!!

noos!! aaah thank you for sending 🥺

send me any number from this fanfic writer ask game!

#3 favorite line/scene you wrote this year

omg a favourite line is impossible bc i sadly forget what i write the moment i hit post 🥲 but i will say!! one of my fave scenes to write was the car scene from this megumi fic 🥺 mostly because it's personal to me!!

And you think, with your music playing over the comfortable silence you’ve built, being in his passenger seat one too many times—this feels nice.  Any other day and you’d hate traffic as much as the next person, but not right now.  Megumi’s eyelashes are long, pretty, stretching on for miles—and you wonder if this drive with him can extend to the length of them, if you can stay in this traffic jam a little longer just to be in this moment with him.  “Sorry, are you cold?” Megumi asks, interrupting your stare.

i always try to include 1-2 lines that feel ~satisfying bc i think my sentence constructions are really simple!! so to add some kind of dynamic to it i guess!!

#23 fics you wanted to write but didn’t

omg my wip list grows by the day noos 🥺 i wanted to write my ex!bakugo fic this year but am so intimidated by him that i struggle to start even tho i have everything in place alr 😭

there's also an escort!reader x nanami idea that i have but will probably never write 🥹 it's a skill gap on my end i think sfbsdhfsj idt i'm a good enough writer to give justice to that kind of concept!!

also wanted to write more for my iwa series this yr but figured i'd wait till next year when the hq hype comes back!!! (am gonna re-edit everything!! might reformat it too)

#24 favorite fic some unforgettable fics you read this year

noos... you opened a dam with this question... how can i possibly just choose one... are you kidding me... i can't choose one... so i'm putting everything under the cut... gonna give myself 5 per fandom 😭 (you can tell im very partial to friends to lovers 😭😭😭)

also!! there are a lot of fics in my tbr that i haven't gotten to yet!! and everything i reblog is pretty much a fic i recommend 🥹

hq!!

over the course of 24 hours by prettyiwa (iwaizumi hajime x reader) [10k. friends to lovers.] my favourite iwaizumi fic ever 🥹 i reread it once a year hence why it's here

an observer of longing by shibaraki (iwaizumi hajime x reader) [18k. friends to lovers.] took me like 4 hours to read this bc i wanted to savour it. and was lying down in bed, staring up at the ceiling crying when i was done 🥺

miya atsumu and the chronic lovesick disease by fushisagi (miya atsumu x reader) [12k. friends to lovers.] the thematic consistency in this is so good & i still think abt this to this day!!

long shots by ahtsumu (miya osamu x reader) [5k. TA!atsumu.] solidified me reading for osamu—he's soooo attractive here.

seasons by mintmatcha (hanamaki takahiro x reader) [6k. friends to lovers.] fully roped me in being a makki fucker 😭

jjk

half agony, half hope by seravphs (gojo satoru x reader) [ongoing series. knight!gojo.] superb. that's really all i can say about this. the want and tension is gripping.

wormwood by linkcities (gojo satoru x reader) [25k. friends to lovers.] heartwrenching and achey. so so good. 🥲

oh my destiny, how far you have sprung now by twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat (gojo satoru gen fic) [5k. canon divergence.] such an interesting look into something i don't normally see written on gojo. written beautifully too!

(though we may) fall apart by stellamancer (gojo satoru x reader) [4k. canon compliant ish.] amazing buildup & the tension is insane too. 🤧

keeping up with the fushigojos by augustinewrites (gojo satoru x reader)

[ongoing series. found family.] sooo cute and feel-good. their lil family lives in my mind rent free!! 🥹

bnha

i like to call myself wound but i will answer to knife by kirketeer (bakugo katsuki x reader) [59k. enemies to friends to lovers.] i reread this once a year oh my god it's one of my fave fics ever.

you had only to look at me by willowser (bakugo katsuki x reader) [7k. friends to lovers.] reread this recently and was tearing up by the end omg.

all the times i told you by gardenofnoah (bakugo katsuki x reader) [8k. established relationship.] the most teeeendeeer bakugo i've ever seen and i tear up every time i read this.

love to love you by shibaraki (midoriya izuku x reader) [2k. established relationship.] another one that's super soft. such a raw tenderness to this 🥺

nitroglycerine by alrightberries (bakugo katsuki x reader) [1k. fwb to idiots to lovers.] the dialogue here is amazing and there's so much in the unsaid i am gnawing my fist.

[sophieakatz]

Thursday Thoughts: Levels of Media Representation

I saw Disney’s Strange World. I really liked Disney’s Strange World. One of the things I really liked about Strange World was how Ethan, the main teenage character, was gay.

Not that he was gay – how he was gay.

There’s more than one way to represent a minority identity in a movie. Each method of portraying this character and their identity has a different effect on the audience. When discussing media representation, it’s not enough to simply ask if there’s a queer character in this movie, or a Jewish character, or a disabled character, or a Black character. We also need to consider how the identity is represented, and exactly how much good – or harm – that kind of representation causes.

These different kinds of minority identity can be viewed as levels on a scale – from least explicit representation to most impactful representation.

An important disclaimer: I am a queer Jewish woman. I am also white and cisgender. In this blog post, I discuss representations of minority identities to which I do not belong, and so I have to assume that at some point I make a bad call about what is or isn’t “good representation” for those identities. It is vital to listen to oppressed people when they say that something is harmful. It is equally vital to listen when they say that something is empowering. I can explore this topic through the lens of the minority identities I have as well as my experience as a writer, media analyzer, and social justice warrior. I cannot call myself an expert on experiences I do not have.

But this idea has been bouncing around my head since I saw Strange World, and so now, I give it voice.

Let’s take a look at the levels of media representation.

[Here there be spoilers – for Disney’s Zootopia and Strange World, and also James Cameron’s Avatar. Other movies and series are mentioned in non-spoiler-y ways]

1. The Allegory

Many movies, especially children’s animated movies, present an allegory for minorities and the struggles they face. A recent example is Disney’s Zootopia, in which different animal species and species groups metaphorically represent real-world human groups. Judy’s struggle to be accepted and respected as the first rabbit police officer directly parallels women’s struggle to break into male-dominated careers.

At the same time, in Zootopia, predators are across the board viewed as potentially dangerous and untrustworthy, mirroring many stereotypes about and bigotry perpetrated against BIPOC humans. At one point, a pig shouts at a cheetah, “Go back to the forest!” It’s as blatant as can be. But an allegory for people of color is not the same thing as telling a story that includes people of color, even if some of the movie’s side characters are voiced by Black and Latinx actors.

There’s also a big problem with an allegory like the one presented in Zootopia – there’s a “reason” for the bigotry. The prey animals have a legitimate, historical reason to fear and hate predators. In the real world, there is no legitimate, historical reason for white people to fear and hate people of color. While allegories can be useful conversation starters or early lessons about prejudice, they often teach, however accidentally, that bigotry is rational.

2. Coding

Sometimes, a movie will include a character who seems queer because of their appearance, their speech, or their body language, but nothing actually happens in the story that confirms it. Or, sometimes a character seems Black, but their skin is actually grey or purple because they’re an alien. These are examples of minority coding.

Coding is important to understand as a part of film history. For a long time, the only way queer creatives could get away with portraying a character who was in any way like themselves was to create a queer-coded character – like Ursula from The Little Mermaid, created in part by Howard Ashman and modeled after the drag queen Divine. Besides the creative outlet, the value of a minority-coded character is that it allowed minority viewers to identify with a character for what was often the first time ever.

The unfortunate side of minority-coding is that coding often involves falling back on harmful stereotypes, especially when the character is created by someone who doesn’t share the identity. Think about Watto from the Star Wars prequel movies, with his big nose, his little round black hat, his nebulously-Eastern-European accent, and his obsession with money. He’s Jew-coded, though I really wish I could disown him.

Even when a coded character is created with love and good intentions, the fact that the character’s identity is never explicitly confirmed in the movie gives bigoted viewers an easy out or an excuse to cause harm. It’s truly awful when a minority viewer who identifies with a fictional character gets dogpiled on social media by white supremacists who are furious that she dared to claim their favorite alien character was Black.

3. The Easy Cut

Near the end of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, two minor characters, both women, run up to each other and kiss. This is an example of the easy cut level of media representation. If you were to cut about five seconds of footage out of this movie, you would cut out the entirety of its queer representation. I won’t beat a dead horse here, but this kind of representation, though explicit, is insufficient.

I also include in this category those TV characters who are revealed to be Jewish during the show’s Christmas episode, but their Judaism is never brought up in any other context. If you skipped that one episode, you would never know they were Jewish, so does it really matter?

4. Ignorable

Sometimes a character has dark skin, but their race doesn’t have any impact on their story or how they move through the world. Sometimes a character has an accent that implies that they’re from a certain part of the world, but we never actually learn anything about their culture. Sometimes a character has a mezuzah on their doorpost, but they don’t ever mention the fact that they’re Jewish even though their story is about literally wrestling with Egyptian gods. (Yeah, I’m still salty about Moon Knight.)

These are examples of ignorable representation. The visible or audible aspects of this character’s minority identity are present for more than five seconds, so you couldn’t so easily cut it out of the show. However, the character interacts with the world in the exact same way that the “default” straight white man would. The media ignores how different identities create unique perspectives and experiences. As a result, this character’s minority identity hardly matters at all.

5. The Token Minority

The Black best friend. The sassy gay friend. The one elderly Asian man who owns the restaurant. The only female Smurf. These are some examples of the token minority. They’re not the main character of the story, and so they’re often one-dimensional, lacking a driving plotline of their own. Their only purpose in-universe is to support the straight/white/male/all of the above protagonist.

This is because their only purpose out-of-universe is to draw in a wider audience because the show has a character who is not straight/white/male/all of the above. As a result, this character lacks the complexity to be a true representation of a person and their experiences, which has the harmful effect of implying that real-world people with minority identities are not as complex, interesting, or worthy of focus as real-world people with majority identities. If every time you see yourself in a story, you are the side character in someone else’s life, what does that teach you about how you fit into the world? The token minority exists, and their identity cannot be ignored or denied, but they still don’t seem to matter.

6. Suffering

Finally, a category where the minority character’s identity cannot be ignored, and they are also the main character! However, the reason that their identity cannot be ignored is that their identity is the cause of the story’s conflict. Their identity is a big, terrible deal – a source of obstacles or of outright suffering for the character.

Think about Black people in movies about slavery, Jewish people in movies about the Holocaust, or queer people in movies about homophobia. Their identity matters to the story, yes, but in a profoundly negative way. The character’s minority identity might even be presented as something to escape or overcome, instead of as an important part of who they are. In James Cameron’s Avatar, Jake Sully begins the movie as a paraplegic, and his happy ending involves receiving a new body that is not disabled.

It is important for us to see and learn stories about different people’s struggles. We cannot afford to allow the world to forget about the ways that bigotry has led to suffering, because when we remember, we can learn from history and – G-d willing – put an end to bigotry, or at least more effectively fight it.

The problem is when these stories dominate the media. If we only hear about Jewish suffering, and never about Jewish joy, that sends a message to the world that Judaism is a terrible thing. Minorities’ suffering is one kind of representation, but it cannot be a complete picture.

7. Not A Big Deal, Yet Impossible To Ignore

But what if a movie included, as a main or major character, someone whose minority identity is not a big, bad deal, but also something that has a real impact on the way this character interacts with the world around them, to the point where their identity cannot be cut, ignored, or denied?

This brings me to Ethan from Strange World. While watching this movie, I felt I was truly seeing a person. Not an allegory, an implication, a stereotype, a token, or someone who only existed to suffer.

Ethan is a gay person. He’s a teenager with a crush on a boy named Diazo. He flirts with Diazo. His friends make fun of him and Diazo for flirting with each other. Ethan’s dad, Searcher, wants to meet and get to know Diazo, and Ethan is completely embarrassed about this. In the middle of a dangerous adventure, Ethan gleefully imagines how impressed Diazo will be when he hears about it. Ethan’s grandfather, Jaeger, is excited to hear Ethan talk about how Diazo makes him feel. Also, Ethan’s relationship with Diazo, and the way Diazo encourages Ethan to be himself and be an explorer, is an integral part of Ethan’s journey and character growth through the movie.

It is impossible to ignore that Ethan is gay. But it’s also not a big deal. It’s an integral part of who Ethan is. It informs his behavior just as much as being straight or aro-ace would inform his behavior. But it’s not an obstacle, nor a source of suffering, nor the only reason that Ethan exists in the story.

We need more of this kind of representation. I cannot exaggerate how much of a positive impact that characters like Ethan stand to create. People of all identities deserve to see themselves in movies, series, and all kinds of media as complete human beings who matter and whose identity matters as an integral part of their lives. Ethan is not the first example, and not even the first example that Disney has created (Mirabel from Encanto comes to mind – she and her family are undeniably, integrally Colombian). But he is an example that all creatives should learn from.

[sparklyslug]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @aidaronan and @softbrah thank yewwwwwww!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

50!!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

405,752

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Right now it's all Stranger Things, all the time baby. But you never know when the madness might strike for something new. Or re-strike for something I thought I was done with haha.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

In Focus (Check Please) Up the Punks (Stranger Things) we're gonna fight til we do it right (Check Please) If you want him, come and claim him (Stranger Things) t'hy'la (Stranger Things)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I'm usually really good about it for the first day or so after a fic has posted, and then I kind of.... fall off with it usually. I read all comments! I appreciate all comments! Usually what happens is I see the email notif on my phone, mentally go "ah I will craft a perfectly thoughtful and appreciative and stirring response to this later when I have time to do it justice!" and then I do not do that.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The one that comes to mind is a fic I wrote for the Hobbit, hands too small to hold it, which is an AU where everyone lives but Bilbo still has the ring and the events of LOTR are still barreling towards them.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Let Us Dwell in Fair Ithilien and There Make a Garden with @greenlikethesea is ONE BIG MASSIVE HAPPY ENDING (after 10+years of tragic angsty pining but w/e). I also wrote a little happy family ever after Garak/Bashir for Star Trek DS9, between the noise.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

noooo it's never happened! If I'm getting hate it's behind my back ahaha who knows what goes down in y'alls discords, that’s none of my business! Im a Leo and I work in marketing, so I am not terribly tortured by that kind of thing ahahaha

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

SURE DO! I don't know what "what kind" means. The smut kind. I've done closed door fade to black, I've done some explicit stuff, I try to give you range baby.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I LOVE A CROSSOVER! Star Trek/Stranger Things is pretty crazy. My current project is Stranger Things/You've Got Mail put in a blender with Supernatural, so that's decently zany too.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I thought Quorum had been translated into Chinese, but I can't find any evidence of it, so might be all in my head ahaha.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I love to collaborate with folks! When the creative chemistry is right it's RIGHT, and it's so fun to ping-pong ideas and paragraphs back and forth. I co-wrote Check Please fics with @softbrah, have written a universe of Stranger Things fic with @greenlikethesea, and it's all been a blast. Me and @aidaronan are cooking up some ideas, if the two of us can ever stop signing up for bangs and things long enough to get to em.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Well of course I will say Steddie right now because I've been living here for over a year and a half. It truly does have just the most delicious dynamic, however the setup and wherever you take their characterizations.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I don't know if I'll ever finish my Vampire Eddie immediately post-canon fic, I didn't have much direction with it, just Vibes.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I like to think I'm good with atmospheric sensory details, it's something I really care about when writing at least. I definitely enjoy dialogue, too.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action scenes are hard, and I struggle with nailing (heh) the physicality of sex scenes. My haters in their discords are welcome to chime in here 😂😂

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I have no thoughts in particular. If it works in the fic and you've made sure your translation is right if you're not fluent in that language, hell yeah.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Lord of the Rings. You will never see this fic.

N E V E R.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

IT IS REALLY HARD TO CHOSE AMONGST MY CHILDREN. I put a lot of my heart into I was open to pain and crossed by the rain (Wayne Munson my beloved) and I'm really proud of what I did with that one. I truly wrote Can't We Be Seventeen knowing it was really just for me, to scratch one of those desperate writing itches after an intense period of fixating on the Heathers musical soundtrack, and I really like that fic too.

Tagging @occasionaloverboy@greenlikethesea @thefreakandthehair @henrystars @capriciouslyterminal

[thrumbolt]

So, in November my girlfriend gifted my all the Dragon Age games because our DnD sessions were cancelled. 'Go date some elves there!' - and so I did. I went in completely blind, knew basically nothing about the series (except that you could date elves). So now, a month after finishing the last one, I feel my thoughts have rested enough to voice an opinion™. I'll drop my personal ratings here and elaborate under the cut.

Dragon Age: Origins 8/10

Dragon Age Awakening 6/10

Dragon Age 2 9/10

Dragon Age: Inquisition 4/10

Dragon Age: Trespasser 7/10

In short, I thought DA:O was pretty dope. Very solid adventure rpg fantasy dating sim. The characters are very fun and mostly lovable and the lore is interesting enough even if the art direction was pretty generic fantasy.

I was really surprised just how much they crammed into this game. The several different origins was a huge surprise and very nice incentive to replay the game, though so far I only played as a melf (mage elf). The storyline was engaging enough for me to follow and it makes you travel to all the different origin places, so everyone gets to connect with something in the main plot - smart!

I have to add however that I played as a male character - as I usually do - and I am very glad I did because despite the promise that men and women are equal (and the dominant religion being female centric) the writers did not really manage to capture that as it seems haha. I would've probably given the game a lower rating if I wouldn't have played as a dude as I'm a sensitive snowflake that way. And not even because of the rape as plot device or the brood mothers, but more the casual 'wow a woman with sword wow' stuff. I'll excuse it as 'it was a different time' kinda, but still would ruin my immersion.

Awakening I mention separately as it's kind of a sequel rather than just a DLC. I liked it. It's a nice extra adventure for your Warden character and the companions are very good (though I could've done without Oghren, sorry Oghren fans). I especially liked the Legion of the dead dwarf, she was adorable - and Anders, of course. You can give him a kitty!

So why am I rating it so low? They changed how shit works, don't tell you about it and it makes you miss half the game lol. Idk, it just pissed me off you had to click on background shit to talk to your companions and I didn't notice it until I was already halfway done. It's such a stupid idea, too. Click on this tree to talk to Nathaniel?? Weird tbh. It's especially bad for me, as I am not playing a lot of games (I am a filthy casual) and am not a completionist - also I already know who Andraste is, so why would I click her statue?

So yeah, that's my personal gripe with Awakening. At least it's short enough to replay, so hopefully I will catch all the stuff next time haha.

Dragon Age 2....ahh, I was very surprised to hear that it was so unpopular, several of my friends said they had not played it at all because they heard it was so bad. And I am very confused, because it is my favorite. I can see how it got flack for being on a smaller scale, the dungeons and areas repeat - but honestly, I didn't care much. I enjoyed the smaller scale and the more personal story greatly. I feel it makes more sense for a 'choice' based game anyway, as it lets you tell more stories without problems. And in this instance, a story about a refugee family and a bigger focus on social justice issues just vibed well with me. I can see how it's not everyone's cake I guess, but it's definitely worth playing! I think it has the best companions in all the games. They're all great fun and the dating options are amazing. I personally prefer when everyone is date-able by either gender - it makes me not having to worry and research ahead of time on what character to make (looking at you inquisition) and I can just headcanon for myself who is queer, straight, whatever. Yes, I might still be upset I wasn't able to date Alistair haha in DA:O.

I loved the 3 act structure and longer time period. I liked how people you meet/help in your side quests write you letters or get updates. I just loved how personal it was.

My only gripes with DA2 is the rushed Act 3 (can't even give everyone another gift ;_; ) and how the ending was handled. Chosing between templars and mages - sure, fun. But when you choose the mages, how come 80% of the people you are fighting are mages? Why is Orsino turning into an abomination and attacking *you*? It makes no sense. Poor Orsino. They did him dirty.

But otherwise I had great fun. Needless to say this game cemented my chantry hate lol. Doesn't help I live in a pretty gay oppressing catholic country now, but it felt fucking personal. I cheered when that fucking building blew up. It was cathartic. So I was hyped for the next game!

Which leads me to Inquisition. By the rating you can already see: I didn't like this game. For many reasons. The church dick riding was definitely one of them. But I mean, if you write it well I probably wouldn't have minded to get a different viewpoint (and there was still plenty of critical content in this game like with the former Inquisitor and all), sadly though, for me it didn't work in so many ways.

First of all I had to restart the game after 30 minutes because my girlfriend told me I can only date the elves if I'm a girl. Gee, good to know, or my tripple elf combo would've been ruined.

And I have to say: I liked how un-segregated the whole gender selection screen was. I got to make a pretty boyish looking twink even by choosing female, up to the point I was forgetting I was playing a girl until someone called me LADY Lavellan and ruined my immersion, so....props to that. I also liked the art design? Like all the little character cards, all the artworks just felt like they finally found their own style, kinda. (This was already started in DA2, which I really liked, I feel this series needs it's own, distinct look in some way, so it was nice to see they were trying to). Anyway, nice looks.

But the gameplay immediately felt weird and sluggish to me. It was way too hard even on the easiest setting. Enemies take FOREVER to die, even a stupid wolf or bear takes a gazillion hits. It wasn't fun. Not for me anyway, just tedious.

And the story....I just didn't feel it. It didn't help that you don't even have a proper origin (for a good while you have amnesia even). It made it difficult to even understand my own motivations imho. Playing it as an elf was definitely a bad choice as well, as this whole plot was clearly written with a human in mind. Pretty wild a DALISH elf is even an option. If they kept you as a prisoner, it would've made sense, maybe? But it just feels off to put this random Dalish immediately on top of your organization and calling them the herald of Andraste even though you keep insisting you don't even believe in that stuff haha. A wild ride indeed. Also I screamed at the whole 'Dalish only have 3 mages per clan and just YEET THE EXTRA CHILDREN INTO THE FOREST TO DIE' retcon. It absolutely makes zero sense with how the Dalish were described up to that point (as people who greatly care for their own and also really want to honor and learn about their roots. They know the elves were all originally magical. Why would they have a fucking mage limit. Why would they yeet a child out to die when they already suffer from diminishing numbers? What the FUCK Inquisition?).

The maps were too big, the game is sooo bloated and the main plot for the larger part completely disconnected from everything else (and also, pretty short in theory). Because of this, the pacing was kind of off. The war table....the WAR table. I did not like it. So many things that got shoved there should've been quests, while many of the actual quests should've just been deleted. And apparently my whole clan can just die in a small war table side thing and no one will care. lol

I also did not vibe with most of the companions that much. I liked Dorian a lot, but other than that most were just a lot of missed opportunities. Like, they were ok, but not as great as any of the other games.

Though I feel nothing quite shows the pacing issues of this game like Solas' romance haha. I still can't believe he breaks up with you immediately after kissing you and offering to take your vallaslin. It would've made so much more sense if he left during the ending party ceremony. What were they thinking?

Generally my issue was how a lot of characters just talk at you, not so much with you. You ask them questions, but they hardly ever ask you questions back, even though it would've been a great way to learn more about your characters backstory as well. I think Josephine was one of the only characters who ever asks how you're holding up. In the other games, it is way more interactive.

This resulted in me just never really connecting as much in Inquisition. Felt more like hanging with coworkers than friends. It was also weird how everyone acts like you're achieving great things, when really, none of it is something you do. The inquisition itself, the army, it already exists. Solas literally just points at Skyhold (you do not even have to fight anything to get it) and so on.

I hated that you have an animated main plot cut scene where your Dalish elf asks a human who Mythal is. And of course I really disliked how the mage rebellion was handled. Why do I have to choose between templars and mages AGAIN when, in this game at least, being able to recruit both would've kinda made more sense? Unite against a bigger enemy, bla. I wouldn't have super liked it as a resolution for the mage oppression issue, but at least it would've given that conflict SOME form of resolution.

So yeah. Did not enjoy it that much. Was very surprised to learn how many did and that it won game of the year. Maybe it would've been more enjoyable just on its own, without context, but coming in right after DA2 it was quite the clash in my opinion.

There was definitely potential for a good game. It had good elements. I think they fixed a bunch of issues in Trespasser, which I quite enjoyed. But I kind of am not looking AS much forward to the 4th installment. I'll play it for sure, but I feel the writers just want to do something different with this series than what I enjoy about it.

Overall though I still had great fun! I like Dragon Age. Seeing everyone's oc's is so cute and I will definitely keep on enjoying that no matter what.

[conflee]

Homestuck Beyond Canon Thoughts

Since I'm in a unique position, for myself at least, to for the first time be really in the trenches alongside everybody else as something like this comes out, and I find myself surprisingly really enjoying it despite the forewarnings I received from my fellow Stuckies as I dipped my toes into the behemoth that is Homestuck for the first time a couple years ago, I figure it's a good idea for my to revive this blog a bit more and actually talk about a piece of media I am consuming for once. And not just consuming, digesting.

My non-spoilery thoughts first:

I actually enjoy the Epilogues and Beyond Canon. They did some things I disliked, but Homestuck proper had the whole Dancestors Game segment that lasted 4000000 hours so no work is without flaws.

I feel like the biggest, most obvious flaws, are explainable within the narrative itself as the consequences of two characters' actions. If you've read it, you know which two. The other issues are pretty neatly cleaned up and explained in ways that I find satisfying enough to resolve my quibbles within the new team's handling of Beyond Canon.

For this next bit: I say this not to EXCUSE the worst of a specific writers' choices, but to give a REASON that makes sense in universe, and thus make it more digestible. Paired with the work the new team did to smooth the wrinkles out, like I said above, it makes it easier to accept for me.

The biggest thing I will state, while still not being spoilery yet, for those on the fence about picking up the Epilogues and Beyond Canon: Remember that this continuity's Jade's story is literally: Grew up alone on an Island for 13 years. Lived for like 5 days max in the Medium, hanging out with Dave a little before killing him, then being stuck in the Yellow Mile ALONE for three years, before being thrown into the final battle. She has zero experience with people and no social skills. That is all.

It should be obvious, but the following containes spoilers for the following:

Homestuck in its entirety

Homestuck Epilogues

Homestuck 2 / Beyond Canon as it is now known, up to Page 601 / the 'March 15th 2024 Update'

So, Analysis One: Alt!Calliope you can't mate with Ult!Dirk

I haven't engaged much with the wider community thus far, something I hope to rectify, but I highly doubt this observation has flown under the radar for everybody else.

Alt!Calliope or 'Al' is projecting a lot of Cherub biology and romance onto Ult!Dirk and it's going horribly, horribly wrong.

For a refresher for people, because gods know this story is too big for anyone but the obsessed to keep track of anymore, Cherub romance is exclusively Black, or Hate based. Unlike in Trolls however, this romance seems to be exclusively toxic, with no room for the tamer 'healthy Kismesitude' such as John and Terezi's to exist. When a 'Guardian' Cherub finds the path of destruction from a 'Conquer' Cherub, the Guardian will begin a relentless Retribution and Vengeance in the name of Justice hunt. As they find more and more of the destruction, their feelings begin to grow into a rivalry, and then a full blown toxic Kismesis crush, until they find the Conquer and fight them. Whoever loses the fight then ears the offspring of the pairing and their territories are ceded to the victor.

The issue now arises in the fact that I think Alt!Calliope is subconsciously viewing the conflict with Ult!Dirk in the same way. She's heavily implied as much on multiple occasions, deeming him a monster worse than even her brother. The origin of the biological/romantic drive for a Cherub to hunt down their opposite is to fill the void left when their opposite sibling half is destroyed in Predomination. So that comparison alone is a RED FLAG that she's doing this.

If you consider Alt!Calliope to be, functionally, the strongest entity in Homestuck aside from Ult!Dirk, Fan Writers, and the actual Authors of Beyond Canon, it makes sense that she's targeting an entity on a similar power scale to her. It's natural for Cherubs.

Her pursuit of Ult!Dirk has also been frames similarly to the Cherub mating hunt a few times by the story as well. She's pursuing him across the universe to end the evil harm he inflicts on all under his domain, the Narrative itself, a domain she seeks to usurp and claim as her own territory. Witnessing the signs of his destruction, the people he's left behind, the changes to the narrative he's caused, and the new universe he's trying to make by starting The Game.

It's pretty much overt at this point that she's seeing this conflict this way. What I am getting at, long-windedly, is that we should all expect 2 things in the final confrontation:

Firstly, Alt!Calliope is going to turn into the giant mating snake and have a Kaiju fight with Ult!Dirk. I just. I feel it.

Secondly, someone, probably Ult!Dirk, is going to make a 'The Baby is You' MPreg joke about the consequences if Ult!Dirk loses. It's going to happen. I HIGHLY doubt they go down that route of her TRYING to actually mate with him, that would be getting into some uh. QUESTIONABLE territory that I doubt they touch at all. But someone, either Ult!Dirk or maybe even Ult!Dave, is gonna make a reference at least. Guaranteed.

That's all I wanted to get to. Even if it's been noticed by others, I like documenting my train of thought as I go through stuff so I can look back in the future and see how wrong, or right, I was in the end.

They already made a reference to the 'Convention Halls' in the last Update. So I do not put another 'The Baby is You' meme coming as an impossibility.

[thegeminisage]

tng update time and oooooh am i ever mad about it. tonight we watched "hero worship" and "violations."

hero worship: i wanted to like this episode. but, firstly, it's just yet more evidence why children should not be on starships. this has been bothering me the entire time i've watched this fucking show. i hope there aren't any kids on voyager or whatever because this is literally fucking killing me

secondly, i felt really weird about everyone just...going along with this kid's idea that he was an android. i feel like there's a way to be lenient of his trauma without reinforcing the delusion or whatever sorry ik that's not how you're supposed to say it. it just didn't seem like solid therapeutical practice is all. i will admit there was also some secondhand embarrassment watching this kid's impersonation of data but i think it COULD have been cute (which seems to be what they were going for) with a better execution

i DEFINITELY think data's interactions with him should have been supervised too, not because i don't love and trust data wholly but because he has this way of missing certain emotional cues. and while that isn't a problem in day-to-day life, like, that's just the way he is and i resent anyone who would make him feel like it's a bad way to be/there's something wrong with him because he is PERFECT the way he is!!! for someone who is so vulnerable i think that data could accidentally do harm where it isn't intended (almost did a couple of times!), and data wouldn't be happy about that either because of course it would never be his intention. like i LOVE episodes where we just throw data into the deep end and let him figure it out, i love watching him go, but this is a child whose entire family/ship just DIED HORRIBLY who thinks he is responsible for the event. im not saying dont let data be his buddy data deserves so many buddies im just saying give data some INSTRUCTIONS at least. for both their sakes

anyway it was mid at best. it had a few good moments but ultimately not enough to salvage it for me

violations:

okay wait hold on i feel like i need to start a brand new text block for violations. you're only allowed 4000 characters per paragraph and i have stuff to say. i have Things To Get Off My Chest. please picture steam pouring from my fucking ears right now

actually forget the bullet list i don't need a bullet list this is not a normal liveblog Post. do you know every day i see threads on r*ddit and sometimes even tags here on tunglr dot edu about how people don't like tos because it's sexist. thats all well and fine and good. tos IS sexist. ARE WE SAYING TNG IS BETTER?????

tasha yar and the rape gangs. the naked time: 2! where both women got turned into insatiable sex object. deanna's impromptu and nonconsensual pregnancy. tasha's impregnantion by rape and her death at the hands of her rapist. that time they filmed deanna's feet. beverly crusher for all of season 1 having absolutely no personality outside of being a mother. lwaxana troi getting gang raped by ferengi for laughs. genuinely uhura on tos in the fucking 1960s got treated better than deanna troi on tng in the 1990s. yes tos has extremely bad moments sexism wise. JUSTICE for janice fucking rand. but truly how can you be as sexist against women when they aen't there. meanwhile, tng has women in every goddamn episode and all it takes is for one bad writer to

actually you know what is so funny. gene roddenberry and two women are credited with writing this episode. ALL of them are going to hell, gene roddenberry especially. i hate hate hate HATE his rape fetish. justice for janice rand AND tasha yar AND DEANNA TROI!

the thing about this episode is, it could have been good. there were good parts about it. for example: worf's joke about being probed. they knew what they were doing and it was hilarious. deanna getting to talk about her overbearing mother. riker's little speech to deanna when she was in the coma with literal tears in his eyes and this is a WHOLE separate rant but

my problem with tng is that you don't see them care about each other. we're TOLD that they care about each other. they SAY, "oh, x is worried about [character who's in danger this week]." but we almost never SEE them act it out. every once in awhile riker gets weirdly protective of picard, and worf seems kind of protective of everyone which i like, and picard also does a good righteous rage on behalf of others, but i don't usually get to SEE it. like when wesley goes missing or whatever he and his mom don't always immediately rush into each others arms on their reunion. when deanna passes out you don't always see riker abandon what he's doing and rush to her side. nobody asks "are you okay?" with genuine concern. and even when we DO get for example geordi driving himself crazy wondering what went wrong over data's fake death we don't get any follow-through - there's no reunion between geordi and data at the end the way there would be for kirk and spock.

BUT RIKER AT THE HOSPITAL BED. ohhh i was eating. it was so good. he wasn't even saying anything of merit but just the SIGHT of her passed out like that had him almost in tears. riker, who is the epitome of good humor and dealing with space horrors with laughter. IN TEARS. it was so good. a true show instead of tell moment. and in THIS fucking episode

my issue is: they had three on screen rape scenes. the first rape scene was extremely long. like they couldn't show anything explicit because this is 90s tv but it was VERY VERY LONG so it hardly seems to matter. and THAT was bad enough. but then they made us watch it AGAIN when he planted his dad's face in the memory and A THIRD TIME when he was like "ugh she's being so sweet to me even though i raped her i can't NOT rape her again." like at least that time she was able to hit him and get away but it feels like a hollow victory when he's already gotten away with it TWICE, AND!!! when worf had to come in and save her anyway at the end.

it was doubly horrible that he got away with the crime SO WELL that nobody suspected him - like, picard is out here asking deanna to let him into her mind a second time and she GOT RAPED. A SECOND TIME. deanna is like oh yeah you can come in! and it could have been a compelling mystery and plot twist to be like OH IT'S THE DAD but really it's the son except we SAW HIM DO IT the first time. there wasn't even any mystery to solve or anyone to suspect, he wasn't misdirecting US, we just got to watch him successfully misdirect this poor stupid naive trusting WOMAN

also, the thing about deanna's attack being a rape scene while riker's was someone dying under his command and beverly's was IDing her husband's dead body is that for riker and bev these are REAL THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO THEM. deanna never got raped by riker. like, he wouldn't do that and they wouldn't still be as close and comfortable with one another if he had. (i am mad on his behalf TWICE now that they left it open whether or not he committed that particular crime when every other piece of evidence says he wouldn't. the guy is not a closet serial rapist and leaving the endings open to be edgy is extremely poor form.) like, they literally JUST made deanna's attack a rape scene to sexualize her and feed roddenberry's fetish and HE'S DEAD. HE WAS DEAD WHEN THIS AIRED. HE CAN'T JERK OFF TO IT ANYMORE

they didn't even explain why that guy kept leaving people in comas. deanna i get because he was stalking her and wanted to fuck her but why riker? why beverly? that made it MORE suspicious. why all those other people on the other planets? was he raping every single one of them? how did he plan to keep going after he'd framed his dad for his crimes?

and it COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD. beverly's thing with IDing her husband's body was fun and terrifying. deanna could have gotten a memory that spoke to character development instead of being sexualized like this. in fact i think it was lowkey a pussy move not to deal with any of riker's close encounters because of the two of them riker is the one who has actually been raped! "someone died under my command" is generic and lame. but the way the telepathy worked was cool, the plot twist could have been cool, you could have felt real betrayal from liking this dude if he hadn't been all evil smiles from the beginning. and they dropped the ball SO HARD. and i could forgive them for doing that! i have given tng so many benefits of the doubt! BUT THREE RAPE SCENES IN 45 MINUTES?

the worst part is, there was no emotional resolution. they had that guy say the word rape out loud and then the credits rolled. deanna and riker didn't speak one word to each other. she was never like, i know you didn't actually rape me like that's not what happened. no one was like, beverly go have a hot drink and call your son. there's NO EMOTIONAL FOLLOWTHROUGH ON THIS SHOW. tos was guilty of that sometimes too but this level of it is fucking unreal

tng enjoyers im sorry for my meanie posts earlier. love who you love etc etc. i'm just. baffled. HOW IS THIS BETTER THAN TOS. at least what happened to janice rand (and uhura one time) was over quickly and didn't replay three FUCKING times!!! "tos is too/more sexist" I AM TURNING MY BRAIN INSIDE OUT TO TRY AND UNDERSTAND THIS FUCKING STATEMENT

[roseworth]

What is it with the three "bad" Robins and their lack of friends :( they deserve to have a lot of friends and connection with other heroes outside of Gotham. Like don't you think it makes sense for them to have a lot of friends, Steph with her personality and Jason + Damian with the lack of them during their childhood. It makes sense but dc >:(

oh my god youre gonna regret sending me this because i have so much to say

first of all youre literally so right :( its so upsetting that they dont get to have meaningful connections to other people because they've all been heroes for a long time so its fucked up that they dont get friends!!

like with jason he honestly just. didnt have enough time to make friends when he was robin :( he had eddie because eddie was like the only other sidekick at the time that wasnt a titan. like if jason lived he would've probably been friends with young justice (and honestly. just the thought of that feels wrong fhksajfhafk the idea of jason being friends with yj just does not sit right with me) but there just. weren't enough other heroes his age at the time for him to be friends with anyone as robin :( THEN when he came back obv he didnt have friends until rhato but even then???? they put him with roy and kory who both had to be written out of character just for it to make sense for him to be friends with them. so he was really fucked over in that regard (but not as much as roy and kory were fucked over) then he was friends with bizarro and artemis and??? obv bizarro wasnt going to exist much outside of rhato, and as an amazon artemis isnt really going to be hanging out with jason or anything outside of one of his books. so he just??? doesnt get to have friends that make sense and he doesnt form meaningful friendships since the people hes been paired with dont have lasting power in their relationships with him :(

STEPH however. it literally makes me so sad that she doesnt have friends because!!!! she had SO many friends in batgirl 2009 !!! she was constantly teaming up with other people and working with others and doing so many good things :( the last issue has a team up with her, supergirl, miss martian, bombshell, and stargirl and!!! i think about that team up all the time :( :( not to mention someone told me one time that the writer planned a team up with steph kara and mia but they weren't able to do it because the universe reset >:( steph had so many friends and then she was wiped out of existence after the new52 :(!!!!! she was besties with kara in that book and now they dont even know each other :( :( :( and she doesnt have any friends outside of gotham anymore because she didnt exist for years and hasn't been written well ever since :( im fine. its fine. im fine.

and damian. oh my god. its literally so fucked up. dont get me wrong i LOVE his friendship with jon but. oh my god. damian just does not have people other than jon :( he even had a teen titans team and then????? the writer made him super evil and had him like?? run a private prison in the tower or something??? idk i refuse to read the book. but he could have been FRIENDS with them!!! he WAS friends with them!!! but nooooooo damian is the evil robin! he cant have friends hes mean and no one likes him! /s :( he could have been friends with them if the writer was just normal about it. not to mention!!! even his friendship with jon is so sad bc they aged jon up and now their dynamic is just. completely different. so damian basically gets left behind by his friend that suddenly aged like 8 years without him and now its all completely different :(

i just. ugh. the only reason they dont have friends is because dc and the writers are basically working against them and not giving them people that they could actually form relationships with or theyre fucking them over and taking people away from them. it literally makes me so upset and i love these three so much i am going to kill someone about it

[grapenehifics]

For the ask game!

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

From this ask game!

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

LOVE. Weird, awkward, hesitant, excited, nervous, desperate, happy, sad, there's SO many ways a first kiss can go and I love them all. As Ahsoka says, "I like firsts; good or bad, they're always memorable."

(And if it's somebody's LAST first kiss, but they don't know it yet?? Even better.)

❌ What's a trope you will never write?

Non/dubcon as mentioned here, but I'd also add ageplay...honestly though my list of hard no's is pretty damn short. If I'm not writing something, most of the time it's because I just don't know enough about it to do it justice than because I outright refuse to do it.

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

Not if I need the money. Professional writing brings a lot of other people's needs and opinions to the table - this needs to change to be more marketable, write this not this, change this, meet this deadline, write a sequel to this popular thing instead of chasing down a new idea, whatever. I'm not interested in hustling or promoting or marketing or any of that. Plus I would also have to stop writing fanfiction and start writing original fiction...which at this point would just be Obikin with a find+replace on both their names because I don't really have any original fiction, non-fic ideas lol.

Plus, as I know from when I tried being a freelance copyeditor for about five minutes before discovering I hated it - I am someone who prefers a 9-to-5 job over 'being my own boss'. My job may be soul-sucking but at least I don't have to think about it once I leave the building. Trying to make it as a writer feels like I'd just be guilty all the time that I'm not writing. If you make it a job it stops being a hobby.

I really, really like giving my fics away for free, and the total control I have over what happens and when. Not to mention the almost-instantaneous feedback, and on every chapter, to boot. I'd miss that with traditional publishing.

(Also, let's be real. The pay for 95% of working authors is total trash.)

Thank you for the asks!