#i am scared whats gonna happen at the other concerts

[foxy-kitsune]

tds3 lee jeno you are already legendary.

(i am never fucking recovering from this btw)

[eundiarys]

02. sweet stranger

genre : idol! au, fake dating au to actually really dating, fluff, no angst i think!!!!! maybe, my humor sorry

warnings : mentions of drinking, and yn being a little sad and taehyun comforts her :3 that’s it i think..

summary : in which — yn who just debuted gets into a dating scandal with one of the most famous group members because of a misunderstanding and is forced to fake date with him. what happens if it isn’t as bad as she thinks? and and what if she finds comfort with him?

“the total is 10,000 won. thank you for shopping with us.”

you gave the cashier the money and walked out the store. you needed some fresh air to ease up. you felt too nervous about your debut. but hey, what can a drink not fix?

you sat down outside the store and started drinking. very immature of you, drinking your worries away. but you don’t know who to talk too other than the members.

you felt a tear fall down your cheek. but rather than wiping it away, you chose to ignore it and continue drinking.

you were pulled back into reality when you heard a voice. “excuse me? are you okay?” he says.

you turned to your side to see a tall guy with messy pink-ish blonde hair and big eyes. that’s the only thing you could see on his face since he was wearing a mask. he must think im crazy.

“oh um. im fine, thanks for asking.”

silence filled the atmosphere. you thought he’d leave but when you peeked at the side you can still see him standing there.

is he a ghost or something oh my god am i dying before i even get to debut???? please, i can’t waste my two years like that! i haven’t even been to a twice concert!

but to your suprise, he actually sat down beside you. he opened his mask and also took out a drink, and placed it on the table. you looked up to him, confused.

“you can talk to me. you don’t have to be embarrassed cause you don’t know me. im sure talking to someone will make you feel atleast slightly relieved.” you could tell that he was giving you a small smile because his big doe eyes grew smaller as he smiled.

“umm.. well i don’t know where to start.” you replied, voice lower than before.

“i don’t mind. take your time.”

“okay um i can’t tell you my real situation right now but i’ll use like a psychology or whatever you call it.”

“do you mean analogy?” he chuckled softly. you hid your face out of embarassment.

“yeah. that. so okay its like im joining a team or something but im scared at how other people will think of us. i don’t want them to look bad just because people don’t like me you know? like i don’t want them to lose popularity. or something. so im worried about public’s opinion and stuff.”

“you make it sound like you’re an idol debuting in a group thats well known and you’re scared netizens won’t like you and it’ll effect the group.”

thats exactly my situation. i hate smart people sometimes. “eh, who knows. i might be”

“sure you are. well, i think that you shouldn’t worry about this.”

“thats easy to say” you sighed.

“im not finished. i get it that you’re worried but im sure people will like you as long as you’re not rude or something. why should people care if you join the group or not? they don’t know you. im sure you’re an amazing person with an amazing personality and that they will love you.”

“oh wow. thanks” you gave him a small chuckle.

“what? im not really good at giving advices. but i am trying to comfort you..”

“and i really appreciate it. thank you ... ???”

“taehyun. im taehyun” he says.

“thank you, taehyun. i mean it. im sorry but i’ll go now, my friends are gonna be worried if i come home late.”

“of course. do you need me to talk you home?” he offers, but you kindly reject. you both gave eachother your goodbyes and went to your own ways.

while walking home, you felt relief wash over you. you thought about how sweet it was of him to comfort you, regardless you guys not knowing eachother. he stayed and comforted you even though he does not even know your name.

you hoped to see him again. and next time hopefully not crying.

masterlist ʚ♡ɞ next

authors note , HOW WAS THIS WRITTEN CHAPTER?? plz give feedbacks, i don’t rly like it but its okay, i’ll get better. Well. hopefully :/

taglist , @kiribirien @wccycc @hanniluvi @imhuh @ashxxkook @yeniiverse @suburbiataehyung @eveyi (thank you for reading!)

[callme-littlesunshine]

This was insane

Pairing: Sodo x fem!reader

I don't know how this happened but here I am now. On stage, in front of Sodo and Phantom was behind me, back to me.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. Ghost always helped me through a rough time. They always made me happy, the last time when my heart got broken and listening to them, I found myself writing them an imsense text.

I don't know why I did this but after this I was happy. I felt free from all of my emotions. Of course the ache in my heart would never go away but it was easier to deal with and that all thanks to Ghost. So when I found out, they were coming into my town, I was extremly hyped. I was talking about them non stop and I think my best friend was kinda pissed after some time but I am extremly happy she still listend. I even forced her to join me and I was really shocked when she really did.

So here we are now, in front of the concert hall, waiting for the doors to open. My hair was curled, I wore contacts like Papa did.

After some time when the doors opened, my best friend and I found ourselves in the first row, waiting for the Ritual to start. I was looking around and found myself extremly anxious about all the people around me. I hate such a crowd but I knew this will never happen again after this, maybe for another Ritual but that's okay.

When the Ritual started I forgot about everything, that there was a large crowd around me, about my ache in my heart… everything. I was focused on one person, Sodo. He was the one I liked the most. I like everyone but Sodo had something about his personality on stage that was just… amazing. I don't know what others think about that he was my favorite.

At some point they were playing 'respite on the spitalfields' and when his Solo came, my heart was about to explode. I loved his solo, it was beautiful, it's even beautifuler live. My hands were shaking. My breath got caught in my throat when I saw he was looking down at me, tilting his head. Papa came into view and streched out his hand, directly in my face. I was shocked at first but when my best friend poked into my side, I came back and grabbed it. He smiled at me and helped me to get on stage.

Okay… I was not expecting that. Now I was on stage, hand still shaking. They stopped playing and Papa began to talk about.. I actually don't know, my head was spinning and my thoughts were everywhere but here. Suddenly Sodo was in front of me, bending down so I could look into his eyes. My own widened and I smiled nervously. What the Hell is happening right now? I wanted to take a step back but I couldn't. I slowly turned my head and saw that Phantom was behind me, back to me. My back was pressed against his, I couldn't get away. Sodo was took a step forward and was in front of me again.

My heart was beating like crazy and I was scared that they might hear it. I was not aware of the fact that they could actually hear it. My heart stopped for a quick moment when Sodo put his hands on Phantoms shoulder, caging me. His masked face was extremly near, when I leaned forward I could kiss him. I was holding my breath. This was something I was not expecting. Never in my life I thought about something like this would happen to me but here I am now. What am I gonna do? I slowly released my breath. I saw him chuckling. His shoulders were moving that why I knew it. "Are you nervous dear?" He asked me. His voice was smooth. It was… extremly calming. I slowly nod my head. "Kinda" my voice was quiet, almost like a whisper. I don't even know if he heard me, but he did. "Don't be. We don't bite" He told me. He slowly got back up and I found myself able to breath again.

This was intense…

After this, they continued playing and I went back down, but before I could jump off the stage, Sodo pulled me back, whispering something in my ear. "Come backstage when the Ritual is over" He released me and the security guard helped me down. I went back to my best friend, I was not able to talk for the next few minutes. "I hope you knew I was recording this" I heard her voice, my head wipped to the side, "You did?!" I aked louder than I wanted. "Yeah…" She smirked and looked back up to te Ghouls. This was insane… Why me?

The Ritual was over soon, and I felt really sad about this. This was better than I was expecting. That's why I found myself in front of the door what seemed to lead to the backstage where they wanted me. When the door opened I found a face, I never thought I would see like this. I only saw it on tiktok.

Part 2?

[bi-bard]

You'll Always Be a Flower on my Skin and the Pain that I Am In - Daisy Jones Imagine [Daisy Jones & the Six]

Title: You'll Always Be a Flower on my Skin and the Pain that I Am In

Pairing: Daisy Jones X Reader

Based On: Your Needs, My Needs

Word Count: 1,812 words

Warning(s): LOOK HERE! addiction, unhealthy relationship, overdose, mention of sexual assault

Summary: (Y/n) and Daisy are two broken people that had learned to rely on each other. However, at what point does support become reliance? When does helping become enabling? What do you do when the person that probably saved you becomes the very reason that you haven't been able to save yourself?

Author's Note: THIS IS IMPORTANT! This is a story that I've been wanting to tell for a while, not specifically about this character, but in general. I've hesitated for a very long time out of fear of a variety of things. It is a heavy story and if you have any history with addiction (yourself or your friends/family/etc.), then I would advise that you skip this one. Thank you.

STICK SEASON (WE'll ALL BE HERE FOREVER) WRITING CHALLENGE MASTERLIST

----------------------

When I first met Daisy, we were in the crowd at the same concert.

We were both young and stupid kids trying to escape whatever was waiting for us outside of the venue that night.

I felt as if we stuck to each other. Two eyes always meant to lock. Meant to dance together, sing together. No matter what had happened before each of us walked into that room and what happened once we left, we were always meant to be stuck together.

We continued to grow through those concerts. We'd meet outside and find a way to sneak inside. We saw every show that we could get into.

Daisy was better at that than I was. She always had a charm about her. I would happily run in right behind her. Mostly because she usually had my hand clasped in hers anyway.

Being with Daisy was the first time that I felt truly accepted. I thought it had been the music and the crowds around me, but it was all her. She was this beacon of light for me. A lighthouse. I wasn't scared around her. I was more energetic. I was happier. For the time in my life, I had someone that I could truly find joy with.

We saw each other laugh and cry and go through these different moments and phases. I still remember when she told me her new name... her proper name. Daisy Jones.

I knew why she changed it, but she never talked about it. Neither one of us did. Our friendship was an escape from the shitty parts of the world, not a reminder.

And so, we continued. We continued going to shows and meeting these interesting people.

We were both in our late teens when Daisy came running up to me with a smile and a drink in her hand. We were at some party for some band that was admittedly shit.

She wrapped her arm around me as she excitedly yelled my name.

"Hi," I chuckled at her behavior.

"Try this," she held her cup out to me.

"Why," I asked.

"Because it's great," she explained simply.

"Are you..." I leaned forward, acting as if anyone here would truly care. "Are you drunk?"

"What? Nooo!" she shook her head. "Now, try this, please!"

That night, we both ended up stumbling onto my family's back patio. We laid on the wood and stared up at the sky. It was a new kind of escape for both of us. A true disconnect from all of the weight and fear and stress.

It was exactly what we needed.

"I wanna be a star," Daisy said quietly after a while.

I turned my head to her. "You will be."

She looked at me. "I know."

I chuckled.

"I'll bring you along with me," she promised. "Wherever I go, you go. Recording and performing. You can be backstage for every performance. All while you write that fancy book of yours."

"I'll write my book on you," I replied. "You'll be the main character. The star of the show. Just like you already are."

"I like the sound of that," she muttered. She reached over and grabbed my hand. "We are gonna do some great things, (Y/n) (Y/l/n)."

"Yes, we are, Daisy Jones."

We kept going. Going and going.

Drinking turned into experimenting with drugs that Daisy would score from some guy that she knew.

And no matter how out of control we ever got, we were doing great work. We were finding stories and words and sentences that neither one of us ever knew we were looking for.

It was perfect.

She kept her promise.

I was dragged to every party. Every concert she ever attended. I met everyone that she did. We became known as a duo. A reputation. We had a reputation. It was funny to think about even then.

I was there when we realized that her lyrics had been stolen. That guy was an absolute prick, by the way.

I was there when she performed at Simone Jackson's show.

I remember trying to talk her into taking Teddy Price's offer. She refused. She hated the idea of being put in some small box.

I got dragged to the studio when she recorded her first song with the Dunne Brothers.

I was there when they become Daisy Jones & the Six.

We were parts of every single major life event. We witnessed our personal histories. I knew her story like the back of my hand. She could probably recite mine in an album; a song dedicated to the

And I thought that it was a good thing. Daisy did too.

I didn't think about the true nature of our friendship before Daisy ran off before she ran off and got married before the tour started.

It was like being forced to look at old pictures of yourself. You could see the wrinkles that you didn't notice developing over the slow course of time. You could see the dramatic change in height. You could see how your face changed and sharpened.

I was suddenly forced to see how time had changed us. We still fit, but we were deteriorating. Crumbling. All that was truly holding either one of us together was the drinking and the drugs. And we both wanted to claim that it was art.

I continued claiming that it was all due to the art.

Through all of the tour dates and the messes. The fights and the yelling. God, it got so loud with both Daisy and Billy there.

And then, Daisy almost overdosed.

That was when it felt like everything suddenly stopped.

Nicky- Daisy's husband- had run for it. Billy found me in the bathroom trying to help her as I hyperventilated and shook and cried. He took her from me. I curled up against a different wall, just watching silently.

And I realized that I couldn't do it anymore.

I wasn't even thinking about getting myself treated. I didn't think that I could get better. But Daisy... she could do amazing things. I couldn't watch her fall apart anymore.

I packed the next day.

She didn't notice me packing my bags while she was ranting and pacing my room. She was still so angry and upset about Nicky. I understood that. I would have been pissed.

I was only scared of what happened when that anger was aimed at me.

"What are you doing," she finally asked.

"I... I'm leaving," I admitted, staring down at the bag.

"Now?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I need to."

She scoffed. "Does this really seem like the best time to do this?"

"Yes."

"I just almost fucking died-"

"That's why I have to do this now!"

I finally turned to look at her. We stood in complete silence for the longest time. Just staring at each other.

The worst part was that she was amazing. She was everything that I wanted to be. Confident and clever and funny and just... everything. But I could see that if I continued to see her that way, then I would never be able to help her.

"You're just gonna fucking abandon me?" she muttered. "After everything we've been through? All these years? All because I screwed up?"

"Daisy, we are both screwed up people," I corrected. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as my voice started shaking. "Neither one of us is fucking healthy. For ourselves or for each other. And I know that you could be amazing. You can be so much better. But if I stay, then I will always be in the way of what you could become. You will never get better with me around."

"You don't know that-"

"But I do. I really do. I have watched both of us try to get better and be better and it has never worked. I am a weight on your back, Daisy. I am a constant reminder... I would always pull you back and we both know that. And I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to realize it. I'm sorry-"

"Stop acting like this is an act of fucking kindness!" she snapped at me. "You are selfish! You are running from the mess! What is it really? Tell me! Is it because of what I'm doing while you can't get a fucking word published? Is that it? Some weird, pent-up jealousy?"

"Daisy, no," I shook my head. "If I stay, then we will both continue on this fucking path. There are two ways that ends: we despise each other or one of us fucking dies!"

Her jaw clenched.

I felt sick to my stomach.

"Well, you don't have to wait," she forced a smirk. One of those angry smirks that would rest on her face to hide her anger or sadness. She had never pointed that smirk at me. "I already fucking despise you, so you can fucking go whenever your bags are packed. Have a nice life!"

She stormed out a few moments later. I flinched a bit as the door slammed shut behind her.

I put a hand over my mouth as I finally broke down sobbing.

I sat down next to my bag for a moment.

The weight of the moment sat on my shoulders and held me there.

I lost the one most constant thing in my life. I lost the person that I found the most joy with.

And it was my fault.

--

"What happened after you left?"

I blinked a few times and looked at Julia- the young woman that was interviewing me. She was Camila's daughter.

I hadn't kept much contact with everyone around the band, but Camila had tried. She sent me a letter after my book had been published. It felt wrong to reject her daughter's request.

"I... I went home," I replied. "To my parents' place. They helped me find treatment and get back on my feet. After that, I got my book published. I kind of just... forced myself to keep going."

"You never reached out to Daisy?"

"It felt like too much of a risk. And I never thought that she'd want to hear from me."

"Oh," she murmured.

"I always wanted to," I explained. "I did. I just... I couldn't."

She nodded, pausing for a moment before speaking up, "If it's any comfort at all... Daisy's the one that asked me to talk to you."

"Really?"

Julia nodded again, a grin spreading on her face. "She wanted me to mention how much she loved your books."

"Oh," I felt a smile pulling at my lips at the idea.

"I don't think she despises you as much as she used to."

I looked down at my lap for a moment. "I hope so."

If that were the case, it made everything feel like it was much more worth it.

----------------------

Author's Note: I cried while writing the last half of this. Just in case y'all were wondering about the toll that this story took on me.

----------------------

Navigation Guide

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

[oneforthemunny]

What if Zarah went through a phase of nightmares and she’s such a peaceful kid that whenever it happens, maybe she’s around 4 or 5, she goes into Eddie and Nepo Baby’s room. It’s near 1 am, so she’s awake, watching something in bed.

“Oh baby, what are you doing up?” Nepo Baby asks, immediately sitting up because this isn’t like her. If it were the twins, they’d run in screaming.

It’s nearing the time when Eddie is going to do some shows, a reunion concert, but is needing to travel. The other girls have grown accustomed, especially Seph and Kensie, but this is very new for her. He’s just getting home from a dinner discussing but they don’t know that yet.

“Bad dream.” She pouts with big Munson eyes, crawling on the bed and curling against her chest.

“What happened, bug?” She pats the curls down, Eddie is tip toeing down the hall but stops when he hears you both.

“M’scared ‘bout daddy leaving,” She pouted, Eddies heart shattering, “What if he doesn’t come back?”

“He’ll come back, baby, I promise.” Nepo assures, rubbing her back, “Don’t worry about that, it’s just a bad dream, my love.”

Eddie comes in and cuddles her, helping her back to sleep. When she is, Nepo says to put her back in her room, but he just can’t. He keeps looking down and feels so bad. She never brings up any issues she has and he starts to be paranoid that she’s holding things in because of how crazy the rest of the fam is.

this is so insanely sweet and made me tear up.

but I’m a real note, eddie wouldn’t do any more shows until she felt right for two reasons. number one, his girls are his number one priority. like he likes doing shows but he’s not in his glory days prime like he was in the nineties lol, so he’s made his money and now it’s just die hard fans who will come no matter when. so he’s not stressed really, and he’s gonna be a dad first duh.

but also, number two… he’s superstitious as fuck and zarah saying that to him??? would scare the living fuck out of him. like he’s not gonna pretend to not know that people die all the time traveling, especially musicians. and that??? would scare him. like she’s quiet and sweet and his calm and normally very chill daughter is upset??? because of a dream that he gets hurt somehow and doesn’t come back??? fuck that, eddie’s not leaving the house. my man is superstitious and that sent him over the edge. he thinks it’s like a warning or some freaky prophecy and is like “don’t worry, sweetheart, daddy will stay here.” and he means that. he’s not leaving lol. not until she feels ok again bc that scared him LMAO

[khiphop-discussions]

iKon Take Off in LA Experience

I went to see iKon and I got back like 2 hours ago. Out of all the concerts I've been to, I think iKonics were the most lit. I had a lot of fun. DK came into the crowd on my side and I got to hi-five him! His hands are so soft, it's like there isn't any fingerprints or lines LOL. Bobby was crying cause he was happy to be there. It was honestly hard to hear on my section of the venue so I didn't get everything that was being said during the talks. Even the lyrics were a bit hard to hear. Regardless, it was still fun! During the "Hi Bye" section, all the boys were so handsome. Bobby told me to "Have a great night" and I said "You too" the rest of the guys, I just said "Bye" and waved to. Chanwoo was last in line and he told me "Bye".

More personal stuff for anyone interested:

So I honestly was feeling a bit somber/melancholy today. I was happy but a part of me was still a bit sad. I feel like this is probably gonna be my last kpop concert. Personally, I'm moving on to a different portion of my life and this year it's become VERY clear. I don't really keep up with any of the newer groups. iKon was probably the last group I stanned (actually, I think it might have been WINNER if we wanna get really technical LOL). All of my other 2nd/3rd gen groups either disbanded or lost members. Most of my groups, it is very unlikely they will ever come to the US again but even if they are still around, many of them will probably be disbanding in the coming years. So I was just kinda sad knowing it's kind of an end of a chapter for me. I've grown and now I am evolving into a different version of me. That said, if this was my last kpop concert then I'm 100% at peace with that after seeing iKon. I'm very happy and proud to say that iKon was my last if that ends up being the case!

At different points in my life, I've found myself being scared and thinking "What's gonna happen when I don't like K-music anymore?" I was very reluctant to lose it because its been such a happy and exciting part of my life. Because of kpop (and KHH too) I was able to experience a new culture, learn all of these new musicians, start learning a language, go and study in a foreign country, go to great concerts, and meet SOOO many cool fans over the years. So I've been very scared of "growing out of" K-music. I felt like I'd lose something helping to connect me with the world.

However, I'm very at peace. Like I said, if this is the end with kpop/kpop concerts than so be it. iKon was the best way to end it! I'll still be going to KHH concerts and things anyway. I also, fear losing khh (especially since I have this blog and youtube and I'm just generally more integrated into the KHH scene than kpop) but that's something I'll deal with at 36, instead of at 26 like with kpop LOL

[myloveforhergoeson]

That's All She Wrote - Chapter 19

Chapter Index

Find me on wattpad + ao3!

Show: Big Time Rush

Pairing: James Diamond x Original Female Character

Chapter 19: No Sleep Till Brooklyn ~ 11k

Jo and Camille,

You’ll never believe who took my phone the first day of tour and refuses to give it back because “I have more important things to be focused on right now.”

I KNOW HE CHANGED MY LIFE BUT SOMETIMES I HATE GUSTAVO ROCQUE. And I’d never say I hate Kelly, but I am upset she let him do that… SOS!

Thanks to my expert negotiation skills, I’m allowed one call to my Dad per week - like this is some kind of prison or something - so I’m going to do my best to write letters to both of you in order to keep you updated.

While it took a long time for Gustavo, Kelly, and I to map out this tour path, I didn’t think about what it would mean to be crammed on a handful of buses with both the band and our musical accompaniment. Our lovely producer and talent scout get to take flights and stay in five-star hotels, but I’m okay to travel by bus. I’ve only been to Minnesota, Wisconsin, and California, so I’m excited to see the country this way. First stop - Orlando! In three days!

We booked three buses, one for the musical accompaniment (technically I’m one of them I suppose, but the boys say they hate road trips with Logan, so I just snuck onto the bus he’s on to keep him company), and two for the band. Each one has three tiny bunks, some couches, a full bathroom, most of a kitchen, and plenty of cabinet space for snacks, games, and anything we could possibly need. For now, I’m writing from the couch, sitting next to a napping Logan, and Carlos is up front making friends with the driver, Henrietta. The other bus is currently transporting Kendall and James.

Speaking of, after Gustavo told us the tour was back on after the concert when I came running to you two to tell you what had happened, James practically ran straight to 2-J to pack and hasn’t spoken to me since. I thought I had done everything right but I guess maybe he wasn’t actually into me after all. Maybe just the thrill of surviving a kidnapping?

“I lived through this so now I can kiss Roxy!”

Blegh.

Though, I suppose it might be a good thing… After thinking about it while I was packing I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship right now, if that’s even something he’s interested in. Sure, I like him, but I think I still need some time to get over what Dak did to me. As much as I don’t enjoy thinking about it, they bare many similarities and that scares me a bit more than I’d like to admit.

Pop stars

Can be self-absorbed

‘Cuda extra strength hairspray

Pretty

I should probably quit while I’m ahead, but I guess I’m gonna learn my lesson if I keep playing with fire and then promptly getting burned.

All my love,

Roxy

***

Hey,

It was so humid in Orlando that it took me an extra hour to fix my hair before the show, but other than that, we had a lot of fun! I’m really proud of the show we put together and getting to perform for a new crowd all the way across the country was so surreal. There are people who know all the words to my songs, more than willing to scream them right in my face… If only that pesky boy band wasn’t in the way.

Just kidding!

Today, we’re heading to Mansfield, Massachusetts - one whole day on the bus and a show tomorrow. I’d look up some facts about the town to share but, you know, no phone or whatever. Warden Rocque hasn’t changed his mind even after the combination of pleading from the five of us…

Before the show in Orlando, I got to talk with the guys in the musical accompaniment band a bit more, they were super nice! Mick, the bass player, is pretty quiet and mostly hangs out with Gustavo and Kelly since they’re old friends, but Austin, the drummer, is our age and easy to get along with! He goes to a performance arts high school in Los Angeles called Hollywood Arts (Can you believe that’s a real thing?! A whole school just for acting, singing, and growing musical talent?!)

Austin and I have somewhat similar music taste, and his father taught him how to play the drums, just like my dad taught me how to play the guitar! We’re alike in many ways, and since 1/4 of Big Time Rush wants to ignore me right now, I think I’ll be spending more time with him…

It’s bad that I thought James might kiss me again at the show last night, right? I stood in the same spot side-stage, putting on the same lipstick and everything, but he and the band just ran past me on the way to the other side of the venue. I wonder if he told them what happened; everyone else is being normal to me.

Logan says he misses you so much, Camille! Quickly followed by a panicked statement, “Not that I don’t care about Jo, it’s just different!” Kendall joined us on the bus today, swapping out with Carlos, and said, “Tell Jo I vow to get my phone back so I can call her again,” and when I asked him why he didn’t write you letters too, he claimed that stamps were too expensive. Perhaps your boyfriend is both illiterate and broke, Jo, and for that I’m sorry.

See you soon, even if soon isn’t soon enough,

Roxy

***

Thought of you both today, and it made me so happy,

We just arrived in Agawam, Massachusetts, which is only two hours away from Mansfield, so we had a quick show turnaround for the day.

I never knew going on tour was so exhausting, it’s like I’m constantly running around the venues, checking our equipment, making sure the proper snacks are in the band’s green rooms, or seeing if the stage crew needs any help. We have two big eighteen-wheelers to carry all of our stage equipment… I can’t imagine being in charge of all that stuff - the stage manager is a saint!

This morning, Gustavo dragged us out of the bus around 6 am to get to a local radio station so the band could promote their show tonight live on the air. They even gave a pair of tickets away to a fan, it was so fun to watch and reminded me a bit of my radio days. I might call my old boss and ask her if BTR can get on Project Pop when we finish our tour in Duluth.

While the band was working out with our athletic trainer to keep in shape for the show this evening, I hung out with Austin a bit more. He was nice enough to show me his drum kit and I think I’m going to ask him to teach me how to play if we have some free time. It looks a lot more fun than the piano, plus I get to hit things. Drums are a crucial part of instrumental songwriting, and I could really use the knowledge of a seasoned drummer to help me learn.

James saw us together today when he made his way to the stage to warm up for the show, and I might be overexaggerating but I think he was a bit put off by it. I thought about talking to him about it, not that I need to ask if it's okay or justify who I hang out with, but I actually think he and Austin would get along really well if he could stand to be in the same room as me for more than 5 minutes.

I think it should be illegal to kiss someone and then promptly ignore them. What if I wanted to kiss him again? And again? And again?

Anyway, I wish mail traveled fast enough that you two could send me replies and I’d be guaranteed to get them at the next venue. It feels a bit like I’m writing to a brick wall here, but it certainly keeps me occupied during our very rare downtime. The couch on this bus has become my unspoken spot (the bunks are too narrow and small for me to feel comfortable in them) and I need to do more than just sleep here, listen to my iPod, or write/play my guitar.

Until the next letter,

Rox

***

Hello!

Too many things happened today for me to record before the show, I’m writing you two a nice list as we drive away to our next stop.

James rode the bus with Logan and me today (a two-hour ride to Saratoga Springs, New York) and the two of them ignored me almost the entire time and just played their stupid video game on the TV. All I got was a “Hey, Rox, can we use the couch?” and some semblance of a thank you when I told him yes. Ugh. Is “Hey, Rox, remember when I kissed you last week? Wasn’t that so awesome? Wanna do it again?” too much for him now? It feels like I sucked all of his fun, flirty, carefree attitude straight out of his body.

I asked Austin if he could teach me how to play the drums and he said yes, as long as I helped him write a song for a fun summer project. Apparently, a good chunk of the kids at his school are songwriters too, how neat! If they write something like a short scene of a play, a song, or a musical composition and present it in the first few weeks of school, they get extra course credit. I wish the Palm Woods school had something like that - I’d be rocking straight A’s the entire year.

It was finally time for me to call my dad today, as per Warden Rocque’s direction, and he’s doing okay. Nothing ever changes with him, so I’m pretty at ease as we travel. Kelly let me put him on the guest list for the Duluth show, and even though I know he won’t really like our music, I think he’ll admire the production. He always wanted to tour around the country, and I hope showing him some backstage magic can help satisfy the teenage rocker he used to be. Maybe it’ll be a good time for him to meet Kendall, Logan, and Carlos too!

The band was recognized in public for the first time today while we were waiting in line for coffee! I’m not sure if the girl posted the photo I happily took of her and the boys to ScuttleButter, but I hope you two can find it so you can see their dazzling, shocked smiles. They were beyond ecstatic; Carlos spilled most of his drink from how hard his hands were shaking with adrenaline. Good thing he wasn’t wearing his concert outfit or Gustavo would’ve thrown a fit.

I was hoping to sneak away and take a train to New York City since we got here so early in the morning, but that is what happened instead. We’re playing Madison Square Garden near the end of the tour, so I’ll see the city then, but I’m worried I’ll be too tired and burnt out to enjoy it.

Warm wishes,

Roxy

***

Friends,

Sorry for the lack of letters these past few days! We’ve been so busy getting from New York to Oklahoma, we haven’t stopped anywhere with a mailbox I could easily find. You know what would make it easier for me to find a post office? Having my phone.

I’ve probably complained about that enough, right?

Over the course of this particular trip, I’ve been traveling with Logan and Carlos and I’m beginning to understand why the boys claim road trips with Logan are tough. He has a pretty strict expectation for cleanliness, which Carlos and I do not adhere to at all - but in helping clean up and placing things in their bunks to help put a rest to Logan’s anxiety this afternoon, I learned he has a picture of you, Camille, tapped to the top of his bunk. It’s been pretty well hidden by the curtain he keeps drawn, but I caught a glimpse of it this afternoon. So romantic!!! I imagine Kendall has something similar of you, Jo, but I’ll have to wait until he’s back in rotation with us to double-check.

I wonder if it’s exhausting for the other three to keep moving around, or if they prefer it that way. For me, I like knowing that Bus 1 is my bus… Having to haul all my stuff from one bus to another feels like an excellent way to lose some of my things.

Do you think if James and I were together he’d have a picture of me in his bunk? The thought of him falling asleep to dreams of me… Seems impossible. And exhausting to work for. If he’s going to be all hot and cold like this, I’m not sure I’d be able to take it, but on the other hand, it’s not like I’m communicating with him either because whenever I even try to bring up anything related to us at all, I freeze up and all the thoughts exit my brain before I can get a word out. Maybe we are made for each other after all since neither of us seems to want to get a word out… The pretty idiot and his idiot songwriter… Haha….

On a separate note, after the show in Tulsa tonight, the band, our bosses, and the musical accompaniment will be headed straight to the airport to catch a flight to Del Mar, California for our next show there in four days. Due to my flight aversion, I get to stay with the buses and gear and travel on the ground to meet them there. It will be interesting to see how I fare, considering I’ve been around the band 24/7 for the last two weeks. Maybe I’ll be able to work on some music distraction-free. I have a few works in progress, both about guys I really don’t want to think about, but once this tour cycle is over there’s no doubt we’re going to begin the process all over again for album 2.

Just paused writing this to pull out my journal and write “All Over Again” down on a blank page. That sounds like a wonderful song title.

Talk again soon,

Roxy

***

Guess what?

I was right about getting in some quality songwriting time. With the near silence of the bus, besides the intermittent strumming of my guitar and terrible singing of my own lyrics to the musical background track in my head, I think I’ve finally finished Til I Forget About You, even if the title isn’t all that accurate.

In fact, the title isn’t accurate in the slightest. In these last four days, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about Dak more. There’s been lots of frustrated yelling, crying, ripping and crumpling of pages of my journal on the floor… I don’t know how Taylor Swift makes writing break-up songs look so easy. She’s been who I pray to when I get stuck on a line or can’t figure out which chord I like better.

Between Gustavo’s and my affinity for pop music, when I write from the deep recesses of my heart, I find myself bringing out my rock roots. There’s nothing better than the feeling of guitar blasting from the speakers so loud you can feel it rattling around in your rib cage, filling up your ears and leaving them ringing for days on end, and that is the feeling I’ve been coasting on these few days…

It reminds me of my dad and I think that’s why it helps me feel better. Growing up on the heels of his time in the rock scene in Texas, then discovering the punk scene in Minnesota, he was always using his free time to replicate the sounds he’d hear at shows to play for me on his days off. He would tell me all the time that I was such a smiley, giggly kid, as long as his guitar was out - so the minute I was old enough to hold one in my hands he bought me one and taught me to play.

When I was finally old enough to go to shows with him, I always loved the contrast between our looks - my mainstream, bright-colored clothing straight out of TeenVogue and his old, beat-up black band t-shirts blending in with the dark ink on his forearms and even darker jeans and Doc Martins. Was a crowded basement in a random suburb miles away from our house, filled with drunk 20 to 30-somethings and a lineup of 7 different bands in one night really the safest place for a 13-year-old girl? Certainly not, but he always kept me safe and gave me a space to foster my own music taste just like he was afforded as a teenager.

Phew. That was a long-winded way of saying that I’m finally starting to find myself getting over the pain Dak caused me through my music, and I’m really lucky Big Time Rush has given me the space to explore this. Not that Til I Forget About You is an incredible, unmatched rock song - it is still very much a pop song, which I love just as much - but it is, for all intents and purposes, mine.

I miss both of you so much, and I cannot wait to see you again.

Roxy

***

Greetings,

One thing always seems to lead to another. In Del Mar, we finally had an actual, honest-to-God day of rest yesterday and the band asked if I wanted to go to the beach with them. Of course, I agreed, because it felt close to chilling by the Palm Woods pool, but once we got there I quickly learned that the trip everyone took without me brought Austin and the boys closer together. Which is fine, that’s what I wanted in the first place, but now, it feels like I’ve lost my touring buddy.

They spent the entire day surfing (where did these boys learn how to surf?), playing volleyball, and trying to pick up dates, and basically left me to my own devices to watch our stuff. I even wore my best bikini top (purple!) in hopes maybe, just maybe, it would bother James a bit, but I’m not sure he even noticed as he kept trying to play wingman for Carlos and Austin all day. I guess he decided no one on the beach was interesting enough to try and pick up.

Something I did notice, not that it matters at all, but Austin had a bit of trouble in the sun all day. Logan said that he was displaying symptoms of hypoglycemia, and he and I had to help Austin back to our stuff at one point after he nearly toppled over from how shaky his legs were. Eventually, we were able to get a few sodas in him, and he claimed to be right as rain, but it was pretty scary. I know it’s not right of me to ask him what I can do to help if he ever needed it because if he wanted me to share, he would have told me, but it was a bit hard not to take note of the small, off-white pod attached to his deep almond abdomen when he took his shirt off.

Typically, I’d just look it up in private to confirm my own thoughts, but I don’t get my phone for another few days. For now, though, or until he’s comfortable talking about it, I stopped into a corner store on the way back to our buses to grab some snacks that I think would help if his blood sugar were to drop unexpectedly again. Now I just pray nothing punctures the small juice boxes I put in a plastic bag or the hard fruit candies don’t spill out and stick to anything.

And on top of all of that, despite applying copious amounts of sunscreen, I managed to burn my legs. Goodbye shorts and skirts, hello pants I was saving for the colder climates. I tried to take a page out of Hayley Williams’ style book and go for shorts and fitted tees or crop tops as my go-to stage look - adding in jewelry, belts, tights, whatever to switch up my looks day to day, but now I guess I’ll be looking more like Gwen Stefani circa 1995 with my small shirts and big pants.

The show went off without a hitch and we’re off to Central Point, Oregon now, and hopefully once things get back to normal I can get my tour buddy back.

Rox

***

Girls!!!!

I know you’re both from the east coast, and I am obviously so Midwest, but there is just something about the crisp, Oregon air that makes me long for a different hometown. If I grew up here, beautiful Central Point, I think (in addition to being a major league hippie) I might have led a very different life. It’s strange to think about, and I’m incredibly grateful for my current life, but can you imagine if I was the owner of a quaint crystal shop on the edge of the evergreen forests of this state, or if I hand knit sweaters, tye-dying them all crazy, fun colors to sell to tourists. One pretty prominent radio station, Talk Radio Network, is based here, so maybe I’d still be Rockin’ Roxy out here too…

It’s a quiet town, however, not like Duluth or Los Angeles, and it’s pretty far from Portland. My dad always told me he wanted to visit there - apparently, they have a thriving music community in that town.

That’s all I have in the way of updates. After tonight’s show, we’re on our way back to California to the town of Turlock. Kelly, Gustavo, and I could have been a bit more coordinated when booking shows, but we were desperate enough to take whatever we could get, even if it meant extra travel time.

Extra travel time, however, means I have more time to think about the dumpster fire that is my love life as I am now trapped in a bus with James once again. Maybe he and Logan will play that stupid game again and leave me alone as I write.

Speaking of, here’s a few lines I’m working on. What do you think?

I see you walking, but all you do is pass me by,

Can’t even talk, ‘cause words don’t come into my mind,

I’d make a move if I had the guts to,

But I’m paralyzed

Best,

Roxy

***

Good morning, or evening, or whatever the appropriate time may be,

I’m so sorry I skipped out on letters these past few days, our show turnaround time has been insane, and I’ve been doing my best to keep up with my assistant-ly duties to the best of my ability - meaning I’ve had no time to myself in the last four days. Since I last wrote, we’ve been to Turlock, California, Costa Mesa, California, Kansas City, Missouri, and are presently pulling away from Harrington, Delaware.

A list of things of note for you:

In Turlock, Carlos ran over to me during the show and asked me if I wanted to sing. I said absolutely not and he ran off again. Then in Costa Mesa, he ran up to me during City is Ours and asked me to shout “There they are!” into his microphone after the “We pull up, open the door, all the girls scream-” line, while the rest of the band held theirs out to the crowd. They’re really taking this show and making it theirs, and it’s lovely to see. As I write this, Carlos just informed me I’ll be doing that every night with that big, goofy grin of his that makes it impossible for me to even think about saying no.

We did a radio show in each city, and the questions these interviewers come up with in order to be different from one another are just insane. Though, one of the hosts did ask them if they had anyone special waiting for them back home - it gave Logan a chance to stutter his way around the question (Camille… Make it official with him already!) and Kendall the opportunity to monologue about Jo for, like, five minutes. I would’ve recorded it had I had a device on hand capable of doing so (yeah I’m not done complaining). By the time he was done, the interview had nearly ended, so Carlos squeaked out “I have four special people!” and I think he meant the Jennifers and Stephanie (Is Stephanie back yet?). James (blegh!) said “Anyone willing to wait on me is special,” like the true teen idol he is. Any girl willing to wait on him… I pity her.

My drum lessons started in Kansas City after the band managed to rope Austin into a game of pickup while the buses were unloading. Who puts a basketball hoop outside of a music venue and expects anyone to get anything done? Regardless, it was a lot of fun and Austin is a pretty attentive teacher - far better than grouchy Gustavo when he was going over piano basics. There’s a lot I can learn from him! We also started writing his song, a fun, simple summer song about the beach and girls and whatnot… I’m excited to see this project through with him.

Gustavo and Kelly wrote a note on the daily itinerary sheets they give the band and I that we’re currently headed to Denver, Colorado, where we’ll have two days off from performing to do interviews, radio shows, news slots, the whole nine yards. Apparently, news outlets come to us, not the other way around, and they’re very excited to talk to America’s next top boy band. We’ll be doing a few live acoustic performances as well, meaning the guys and I, on camera, filmed for the whole world to see. Let’s hope I don’t mess up.

Miss you endlessly!

Roxy

***

Greetings from the Mile High City,

The press day, the boys claimed, was “hella exciting” and “beyond epic”... I’d describe it more like “waking nightmare” if anyone bothered to ask me. All they had to do was sit there, look pretty, answer some questions or play silly games, and sing. I, on the other hand, was lost in an endless pile of media release forms for every news outlet to approve, combing through the Gustavo pre-approved questions the interviewers were going to ask the boys, keeping their refreshments well stocked so they never ran out of water and choked on a dry throat when they went to answer questions… My work is never-ending!

Definitely one of the worst days on this tour for me, though, I wouldn’t choose it over having to go back and rewrite Til I Forget About You. Speaking of, in my previous letter I forgot to mention a particularly important line that I keep repeating to myself whenever I find my thoughts unpleasantly flickering to Dak… Or at this point, to James.

I found a place where I can lose myself,

And just leave your memory on the shelf,

See? I’m fine, no, I don’t need nobody else.

The punctuation is subject to change, but for now, I’m quite certain I don’t need anyone else in my life. I’m fine just being Roxy for a while… Even if my thoughts often turn into Roxy and James.

Not to toot my own horn, but the song is very good, and I can’t wait to record it once we get back from tour. I think that’ll be a good point to mark my “getting over it” progress.

Something I forgot to mention about these interviews, that I now realize as we pull away from the Denver venue and off to Eureka, Missouri, is I’m actually learning so much about the band by sitting and listening in. They almost never talk about their lives before Hollywood, because the four of them have (as I learned today) known each other since they were four years old. From first meeting at a Pee-Wee hockey league game all the way to playing varsity hockey at MAHS, they’ve been with each other almost their entire lives. Most of the interviewers ask really good, clear questions, that lead the boys down a path that gets them talking and reminiscing on themselves - something they rarely speak about when the others are around. Today (among other things) I also learned Carlos is fluent in Spanish, Logan was really into ventriloquy in middle school, Kendall is allergic to kiwi, and James is the heir to the Brooke Diamond Cosmetics company.

I should have put two and two together on the last one, he’s insanely beautiful and the last name “Diamond” isn’t exactly very common, but remembering what he’s told me about his mom and now knowing she’s Brooke Diamond?? The Este Lauder of the Midwest?? accounts for a lot of his behavior.

A few years ago, there was a big scandal that hit the front page of all the Duluth papers, news stations, radio waves, etc., claiming that BDC’s top model, and Brooke’s husband, Blake Diamond, was caught having an affair with a woman half his wife’s age. On top of that being insanely disgusting, it was in the news for weeks, announcing the Diamond divorce, explaining the court hearings and who got what, all leading up to Blake and his girlfriend eloping to Vegas and getting married the minute he and Brooke were officially split.

What does that do to a budding teenager? Chew them up and spit them out a completely new person. No wonder James never talks about his parents, or his home(s). The only time I learned something about his family was after the dance when he told me his mom made him break up with his boyfriend and when we were back in Minnesota he vaguely told me his parents were separated.

God, I cannot imagine what that must have/still feels like for him. Knowing that he had Kendall, Logan, and Carlos to help him through it makes me feel better, though.

I think, among other reasons, that might have been why he helped get us back to Hollywood a few days before the big concert. Either returning home to his successful mother as a failure or returning home to stay with a cheater and his new wife…

Phew. That was a long one. Every time I send one of these I can feel the two of you mentally cursing me for my wishy-washy gushy James feelings - trust me, it’s just as exhausting for me to think I’m fine alone one day, then want him so badly the next. Please bear with me while I figure this all out.

Wish you were here,

Roxy

***

Eureka!

Somewhere in the middle of Kansas, Kendall woke me up from my lazy couch nap to tell me he wants to learn how to play the guitar.

“That’s great,” I said. “I’d love to teach you, but all my guitars are strung left-handed.”

Bless his heart, he cocked his head and asked, “Why does that matter?”

“Well. I’m left-handed. You’re not. It’s a completely different learning process.”

“Do you know how many hockey players play left-handed, even though they’re right-hand dominant?”

Of course, I don’t. But, in the small second I had to think about it, I realized that there are plenty of famous guitar players that do that too… kind of. Many left-handed guitar players just learn right-handed because left-hand guitar equipment isn’t produced near as much or to the same quality and standards as right-handed equipment!

Thankfully, my dad is left-handed too, so he knew where to get the proper things in order for me to play when I was little, but it was I who took it upon myself to learn how to restring a guitar to fit my own needs. When I was 12, there was this beautiful oak wood acoustic in the local music shop, but it was strung right-handed. The owner didn’t know how to restring it (claiming no one had ever asked him to before, but I just think he was lazy), so I convinced my dad to buy it, a pack of new strings, and a tool kit, and I took it apart, then put everything back everything completely opposite - worked like a charm, until I sold it a few years later to get my electric acoustic.

In all, I’m excited to teach Kendall but I’ll have to find the time in between my assistant duties and my own drum lessons. The request was a bit out of the blue, however, and I wanted to ask him why, but he was too busy buzzing to Logan about it after I told him yes. Maybe he’s trying to learn a skill that will set him apart from the other band members.

After tonight’s show, we’ve got another one tomorrow before another press day, then a stretch of three more shows back to back. It’ll be tiring, but at least we’re having fun. Playing shows is rewarding beyond measure, and hard for me to put into words, but the connection the band has to their audience is unmatched. The way they can make thousands of people get up and dance, sing, let loose… It’s a beautiful sight - one I’m so lucky to be able to witness almost every night.

Maybe you can find some clips on SnoobTube,

Roxy

***

Girls, I’m running out of clever greetings,

I AM SO TIRED.

Columbus, Ohio, along with being a boring city in the world, also happened to be the same place our press day was taking place - meaning we were there for two days too long. Then, we had our three-day tour stint.

On day one, one of our eighteen-wheelers containing half of the stage set up was late. So, guess who, on top of making sure the boys were situated in their green rooms and had everything they requested, had to assist with tech setup I knew nothing about, got to run the soundcheck almost completely alone, and explain to Gustavo the boys had to go on a few minutes later than anticipated :)

On day two, I learned more about the boys. Maybe I’m being dumb and petty, but I think it’s a bit strange that much of my knowledge of them is now coming from these interviews - they’re sharing important things, that I think as their friend I should have the right to have known about beforehand. They know I’ve been struggling to get good at the piano for months now and guess who I learned has been playing all his life? James. Would it have killed him to maybe offer a helping hand? In addition, I found out Logan’s favorite food is toast. Just… plain toasted bread and butter… Kendall’s dream pet, apparently, is a goat because he misses the one we rented at the School of Rocque so much and Carlos doesn’t think Antarctica is real. I wish I could’ve stopped him before he said that during a live interview, but you win some, and you lose some. I was too busy handling all the paperwork and helping the next news outlet set up to get the interviews done as quickly as possible to get in his way.

On day three, we made it to Clearfield, Pennsylvania, a cute town that runs along a beautiful river I discovered on a walk in the morning. Sometimes being cooped up in a bus all night gets old, so when the boys work out in the morning, I wander as far as I think I can before Gustavo and Kelly realize I’m missing. The show that night was great, but Kendall ripped his pants jumping off one of my amps, and everyone in the first few rows got to see his underwear. I’m not sure he’ll be living that one down for a while.

On day four, we rolled into West Allis, Wisconsin around 6 am, where we were promptly escorted off the bus and into a local radio station, who called Gustavo the previous evening and practically begged for a Big Time Rush live acoustic performance. So, Mick and Austin got to sleep in, while I grabbed my acoustic guitar and drowsily followed the boys into the studio, languishing in the familiar smell of Lake Michigan - So close to Lake Superior back in Duluth! We performed three songs, Big Time Rush, Stuck (of course…), and Any Kind of Guy acoustic. Honestly, my stage skills are getting better with each performance, and I think it’s because the guys make me feel so relaxed when we play together. Whenever I performed with Brand New Day, I was always trying too hard to impress Dani, and more importantly, Mag, so playing always took a ton of effort. But with Big Time Rush, I feel so at ease, and I’m able to let loose and have fun. The only thing that caught me off guard today was James derailing the interview before Stuck to dedicate it to “Any girl who feels like they’re invisible… Don’t worry, I see you.”

Dedicating a song you didn’t even write to a person it’s not even about? Barf. Those words keep rattling around in my brain and I wish I could kick them straight out, but I’ve been dwelling on them for days.

On day five, we took a ferry (!!) to Midland, Michigan, while our eighteen-wheelers had to take the long way around, through Illinois and Indiana. Since our stage equipment didn’t arrive until the later part of the day, I pulled out two of my guitars stored away in Bus 1 in order to give Kendall his first lesson at the venue. Since Carlos bunked with Logan and me the night before, the boys decided to switch buses for a few hours, which meant I had to deal with an insane amount of James' side eye as he went about making his breakfast in the small kitchen.

If he’s got a problem with me hanging around my friends, he’s no better than Dak and I’m certainly not going through that again. He kisses me a few times and now thinks he has some weird possessive thing over me? Absolutely not. I’m just so done with him, I don’t understand how just a month and a half ago we shared a journey that literally altered the course of our lives, and now, here he is, acting as though it meant nothing to him.

Maybe I need to get out of the celebrity dating pool - if this tour has taught me anything it certainly is the fact that all my friends are famous and I am not.

Yeah. What a downer of a letter this turned into,

Roxy

***

Send lots of caffeine and my giant stuffy puppy to Fairlea, West Virginia, please!

I’m too exhausted to write out a better greeting, so this letter begins with the truth. There were many times over the last three days I sat down to write this, but every day I ended up falling asleep in the middle. Last night, Logan had to physically remove the pen from my hand while I slept as I was apparently in danger of poking my eye out.

In three days we’ve been to Hamburg, New York, Indianapolis, Indiana, and Peru, Illinois. Another day without seeing the Big Apple, another day in a big city that makes me miss Los Angeles, and another day in a city where if the name and state weren’t written down on our call sheets I might be so tiredly deluded I think we’re in a different country.

Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James are natural-born performers. I, on the other hand, am starting to believe that I may not be cut from a similar cloth. Something inside of them keeps them on the go, go, go, and I would love to know just what it is that makes them tick. The only thing keeping me motivated right now is getting to hear the crowd sing along to my songs every single night. It sounds a bit cheesy to write out, but it’s true! To know all of our hard work writing, recording, and rehearsing, is paying off and reaching corners of the U.S. we didn’t even know existed! And that people are buying our album… So I’ll have a nice cushion of a retirement plan when I’m older…

That, and my lessons of course! Austin has been so cool about helping me learn the drums, and I think I’m getting pretty good even though I’ve only had a few moments of practice. That, and we even had enough time to work on our song more, which is surprisingly almost complete… That boy can write! My goal is to write a drum section for one of my songs all by myself. Normally, Gustavo is able to take my lyrics and guitar melodies and write in drums, bass, piano, or whatever else we think is necessary to execute our grand vision, so for once, I’d like to fill in a new instrument and save him some time which would probably also equate to saving him some time yelling at our other band members.

Guitar lessons with Kendall have been going well too, though I’m not sure he’s very fond of me as a teacher. I’ve struggled to put together little exercises for him to practice because I barely remember learning guitar myself. Maybe I can talk to my dad about it on our next call.

Oh! And Carlos and I invented a game today!

We call it Honk Bonk, and you play it exactly how it sounds. Any time a car in traffic honks, you bonk the closest person on the head with something near you. My weapon of choice, of course, is my journal, and the boys are already used to bonking from that, though someone did honk during Kendall’s lesson today… I was tempted but alas, he needs to stay pretty so he can date my best friend. And sell more albums.

I hope you’re both well, I can’t wait to get back home to see you,

Roxy

***

Panicking! I spent all of today panicking!

This morning, Logan and Kendall shook me awake around 3 am to tell me that it was James’ birthday. TODAY.

I had a few thoughts on this. 1. Why didn’t any of the band mention this until we were three hours into the day? 2. Where the hell am I supposed to get party supplies on a moving bus rolling into Fairlea, West Virginia? 3. How am I going to survive an entire day centered around the guy I’m doing my very best not to think about? 4. Is James mature enough to be the first of us to turn seventeen?

Thank God James was on the other bus because if he had heard the ideas Logan, Kendall, and I had in order to surprise James the minute we stopped at the next venue…

Here was what we came up with:

If you cut up little pieces of colored paper, it kinda looks like confetti. The colored paper in question? Three of the front and back covers of books Logan had brought and finished in the first part of the tour. Kendall had to physically restrain him as I did this.

I’m a songwriter - when in a pinch, write a song. The three of us quickly devised a little spin on the traditional happy birthday song to surprise James with on stage later that blends into the traditional song everyone knows. Hopefully, an entire stadium of people singing to him is a good enough gift.

We can take old tour itineraries from the previous towns, a Sharpie, and some of the bungee chords holding our equipment down during travel to make a HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES banner.

The bus was stocked with enough items to make Oreo Fluff salad, thanks to the miracle that is pudding cups, but not a real cake… He seemed to enjoy it when he came to tell me we were going back to L.A. after a few hours in Duluth. I don’t have any green food coloring, however, so it was boring black and white.

A sub point - around 6 am I begged the bus driver, Henrietta, to let me use her phone and call a Fairlea local bakery and express order a cake to bring out on stage. I also managed to call the venue and ask them to pick up some cupcakes to be waiting in the green room when we arrived and put up any party supplies they had on hand.

It was exhausting, like most things on this tour I guess, but once we rolled into town everything had been squared away, our efforts were well worth it.

Did you know that when James smiles, like really smiles, he has the most adorable dimples that carve right into his cheeks?

A smile that makes me breathless. A smile that remained on his face all day as we surprised him with our homemade banner, confetti, and treats. A smile plastered on his face the entire show, especially when we surprised him with our song, cake, and the entire crowd sang him happy birthday.

When the show ended, the band freshened up and went to meet some fans out by the front of the venue, and I had to run back into the bus and record my journal entry and write this letter, as I currently am before they came back.

My journal entry contained the word “James” like 40 times.

GOD! He ignores me almost all of the tour, speaking to me only about the essentials or whatever's going on around us on our days off, I finally decide he isn’t into me and I should just chill out for a bit, and now I’m suddenly all about him again. Maybe it’s just because I’m around him literally every day… Maybe it’s because I felt a hint of (healthy! Definitely healthy!) jealousy when he looked at everyone singing to him on stage and in the crowd except for me… Ugh.

We’re on for another multi-day stretch of shows, so please forgive me for fewer letters as the days go on,

Roxy

***

Look I know I said I’d be sending fewer letters but I NEED to tell you guys this.

After arriving in Farmingville, New York, around 9ish in the morning, I was abruptly awoken to the sound of Gustavo yelling at the band about who knows what. Apparently, this pissed them off so much they came storming onto my bus, told me to get ready as fast as I could, and thirty minutes later we were sneaking out of the venue and into a taxi that drove us right into the heart of Manhattan.

We messed around the city for the ENTIRE DAY and Gustavo had no way of finding us since he had our phones. Finally, we got to be the tourists instead of the attraction, before getting back to the venue before the show started.

Once the taxi dropped us off right outside of Time Square, Logan had the brilliant idea for each of us to pick one thing we wanted to do, and do our best to complete them before the end of the day. The list is as follows:

Kendall wanted to go to the top of the Empire State Building

Logan wanted to visit the Morgan Library

Carlos wanted to see Spider-Man

James (after loudly complaining we couldn’t see something on Broadway) wanted to take a sightseeing cruise around the bay to see the Statue of Liberty

I wanted to see the musical instrument display at the MET and I convinced everyone to join me for a lunch picnic in Central Park.

Today was literally perfect, though I did feel a bit bad about leaving Austin and Mick back at the venue to run the soundcheck without me.

Besides admiring the thousands of advertisements roving around the Square, the first thing we did was hit the Morgan Library. The architecture was just breathtaking and it was amazing to see the carefully curated collection of historical documents. They even had musical manuscripts and printed forms of music from nearly one hundred years ago… I wonder how a boy band in 1909 would look… Or if my journals will be on display in 2109… Scary!

Not as scary as the top of the Empire State Building, though!

It was so cold and windy up there, even in the middle of the summer. I practically had to cling to Carlos’ arm to feel even a little bit stable, but of course, he wanted to get right up to the very edge of the building and look straight down. Kendall and Logan wanted to join him (one to spit off the edge and the other to try and calculate how far away the second tallest building in NY was) so I got passed off to James. Would it have killed him to put his arm around me and tell me it would be alright? Jesus. He just stood there, silently looking off into the distance while I clutched at his arm. Message received: He isn’t into me.

The rest of the day was fun and I wanted to write more but now I’m a bit sad after writing that. All I really want to do is go to bed now; I’ll tell you about it when we meet again, I guess.

Roxy

***

Daddy,

Tour is hard. So hard. And I feel so stupid for thinking that I was cut out for this kind of thing. Songwriters are for the studio, not the stage. I’ve spent so much time around the guys I’m starting to go crazy. You and I always talked about traveling if we had the money, and let me tell you one day per city is hardly enough to even say that I’ve been here. It’s not cross-country exploration if I haven’t explored five minutes past the closest coffee shop because I can barely keep my eyes open without caffeine.

I’m constantly tired. My back hurts from sleeping on the couch. My fingers are so sore. My eyes are dry from the incessant spotlight lighting us up for thousands of people every night. The next person to ask me for something might get their head bitten off if they don’t say “please?”

Just because I’m an assistant doesn’t mean I get to be walked all over.

The applause is nice though, hearing everyone sing along to my songs even in parts of the country I’ve never even heard of… Maybe that’s enough to get me to Duluth.

I can’t wait to see you. Sorry for the depressing letter, I’m having a hard time being away from both of my homes.

Promise you’ll listen to the setlist before you see us?

I hope I’m making you proud,

Roxanne

***

Hi.

The shows in Lima, Ohio, and Falcon Heights, Minnesota were great. Our friends are just so talented. It was hard being so close to Duluth, and I invited my dad to the show last minute, but he wasn’t able to make it.

We’re driving to Essex, Vermont now - 13 hours into a 20-hour journey.

The weather out here has been awful, it’s been thunder storming nonstop, so we haven’t been making as many stops as we usually have. Just my luck I’m stuck with Logan and James, and I’ve been writing a song all day.

It’s a song for James’ invisible girls… More accurately, a song full of words I wish he would say to me.

Am I out of mind, or just invisible?

Anyway. It’s been extra hard to write because the two of them were sitting less than three feet away from me the entire time. They’re both so nosey, consciously or not and kept looking over at me. I could tell they wanted to ask me about it, but at least they were respectful enough not to.

It’s got a really beautiful guitar melody, but I’d love to get my hands on my keyboard back home because I have a cool idea for a backing track… Never thought I’d be excited to play the piano but here I am, itching to play it thousands of miles from home.

We play Boston, Massachusetts in a few days, and the boys kept talking about wanting to hit up a pizza place in the city that they visited during one of their hockey tournaments a few years ago. At this point, I’m just trying to get through the next 7 hours. That’s when we get to the next venue, though we have to take a day off from the show tomorrow. Not only is it Carlos’ birthday, but it’s the day of Hawk and Rebecca’s trial. Sweet, sweet seventeen spent reminiscing one of the worst moments of our entire lives. Whoo whoo.

In other depressing news, after coming to the realization that I like James, but he doesn’t like me, it’s been extra hard to be around him. Mostly I just hang out with Austin and beat out my frustration on his drum kit… The last 13 hours have been like hell. Every time James smiles, it makes me want to. His laugh rings in my ears, sending a jolt straight through my heart. Whenever he gets up to walk by me, it takes everything in me not to stare as he moves about the bus.

It’s exhausting… Having a crush on someone is supposed to be fun. I’m supposed to feel like I’m walking on air, and glow, and sparkle, and shine. Instead, I feel like shit.

Truly, I guess I don’t really know him like I thought I did. What happened to the always flirty, unserious, loverboy who took me on a date our first month in Los Angeles?

I think I blew my chance with him once I met Dak, and I think I hate myself for it.

Exhausted and missing home,

Roxy

***

Happy birthday, happy trial day,

I hope you’ll be pleased to know that Hawk and Rebecca will be going away for a long time. We tried to celebrate Carlos’ birthday with cupcakes at the venue, but no one had an appetite after our Skype trial. To try and lighten the mood, I played a few songs he showed me at the beginning of the tour on my guitar, but I could tell as he absently sang along it wasn’t really helping.

Though, in other news that I shouldn’t be happy about, James spoke to me today unprompted and asked if I was okay after my testimony. Apparently, I was speaking quite shakily… Which, yeah. I was fucking kidnapped and asked to recount it in front of a room full of people I don’t know, of course, I was shaky. But at least he was thinking about me.

Maybe he needs signs or cues or reasons to act or something… Weirdo.

Anyway, we’ll bring a cake out for Carlos during the show tomorrow and have the crowd sing for him. Hopefully, he’s in better spirits tomorrow.

This was a weird letter, I know. Life’s weird recently, but thanks for reading. Miss you two.

Roxy.

***

Carlos fucking Garcia has been reading my mail. I’m convinced of it! Because tonight, when the band did the little introduction of their musical accompaniment, Carlos introduced me, walked right up to me, planted to sweetest, wettest, loudest kiss onto my cheek, and told me he loved me in front of the whole crowd.

When I told him I loved him back, we got some “awwws” (mostly “boooos” that I’m choosing to ignore) and continued the show.

Then.

When the show ended.

James grabbed my hand, dragged me off towards the back door of the venue, onto some side street alley where we couldn’t hear the crowds of people leaving the show anymore, and asked me if I wanted to make out.

A reason to act! Carlos telling thousands of people he loved me was a reason to act!

So.

We made out in a dirty, smelly alley and I think it was the best night of my entire life… Besides the five seconds I’m pretty sure a rat touched my foot.

There is hope yet,

Roxy

P.S.

When I got back to the bus I was buzzing so bad I told Logan everything. That I liked James, that we kissed, that we kissed some more, that I think about him all the time, that I’ve written one and a half songs about him already.

I’m in so deep at this point… And all Logan did was grin at me - stupid, dumb grin - and say “Finally,” before heading off to his bunk to sleep.

Camille, I hate your almost-boyfriend and I’m drawing all over his face in Sharpie tonight.

***

Oops,

Not to leave you two on a cliffhanger but the last month of tour has been so insane I haven’t even had a minute to myself to write (letters or otherwise), think, or even just take a breather in a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere.

The rockstar lifestyle is hard to get used to… Hopefully, we budget more off days for future tours or I might go crazy.

To answer the question I know is on your minds: No. Nothing else happened with me and James, though he does actually sit down and talk to me now (even if it’s mostly work-related, I’ll take it). We toured all throughout most of the other states in the country, I’d write them all here but I lost track after Boston if I’m being honest. Though I do know that at one point we were in Phoenix, Arizona and Kendall accidentally said “Hello, Las Vegas!” to the entire stadium.

MSG was insane. Best venue I’ve ever been to, the best crowd we’ve ever had, and the second-best night of my life.

As I write to you now, we’re about to play our last show in Duluth, Minnesota, before our three-day journey home. I’ve got a bunch of silly string to prank the boys with on stage during their solo sets… They won’t even know what hit them!

My dad finally got to meet the guys, though I’m not sure he liked any of them but he was kind enough - but what father would like the four boys his daughter is best friends with? I have no idea why he keeps calling James “Jay” but whatever. After the show ended I snuck him out of the venue and showed him our buses, and trucks for stage set up, and let him meet Mick and Austin as well - Austin even performed his song for my dad… His first audience member!

Safe to say, he loved Austin’s number, but how he felt about everything else, he didn’t share on his face like normal. I like to think I’m pretty good at deciphering how my father feels at this point in my life, but he kept his expressions at bay as we walked around everything we had waiting for us outside. I hope it didn’t put him off or something, considering I know that being a musician was his dream, too. What he did say was: “You shared this bus with two boys?” and “Which guitars are you using, Honey Bun? You deserve only the best.”

Dads.

I also got to meet Logan and Carlos’ families! (Minus James’... I felt really bad for him that his parents weren’t there…) Logan’s moms were so sweet - overly doting on him, fixing up his outfit, practically smothering him with health facts and tips. I think one of his moms is a realtor, while the other is a doctor, which would explain Logan’s want to be a doctor himself. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s a pediatrician. She gave off the vibe she’d be amazing with kids. It must have been so wonderful to grow up in that household :)

Since I’d already met Carlos’ dad, Mr. Garcia was kind enough to introduce me to his wife and three daughters. Genetics work in mysterious ways, blessing each of the Garcia children with the same dark hair and alluring eyes. It was hard to tell sisters Maria, Lupe, and Alena apart, but after talking to them a bit I was able to find some differences. They all followed me on ScuttleButter, so maybe we’ll talk more in the future. I loved getting to know them! Mrs. Garcia and her son also share a lot of the same mannerisms - they’re both curious, caring, and just a bit ADHD. The two of them spent most of their time together with the girls, pointing out different things about the venue, sharing stories from their time away from each other, and the coolest part was their switching back and forth from English to Spanish depending on if they wanted their conversations to be overheard or not.

At one point I think they were talking about me (and James) but I can’t be sure. Maybe if I’d taken Spanish in school instead of French my freshman year…

I wish Mrs. Knight had been there, but Kendall and James kept themselves occupied by talking sports with my dad. For a bit, Dad and Kendall talked about guitars after mentioning that I was teaching him how to play, leaving James out of the loop, so I went over and struck up a conversation with him.

Normal. That’s what we are - or more accurately what our relationship is - though, I think he looks at me a bit differently now. There’s no evidence to that last statement, I just feel his eyes on me sometimes and it makes my chest flutter. I much prefer being friends (who made out) that are able to be around each other, than whatever his weird, “ignore Roxy” game was.

The show’s in 10, so we need to start walking to the stage!

I loved writing to you two, but I can’t wait to get back to talking face-to-face. I’m in dire need of a girl’s night.

See you soon (for real this time),

Roxy <3

--

A little change of pace before season two! Thanks for reading :) Support for this story has been overwhelming!

Since school is starting back up, I'm going to be switching back to posting every two weeks instead of every week. <3 

Season two starts September 5th, but I'll do my best to post little one-shots and such on my tumblr, so check over there every once and a while :)

[thebossestunicycle]

not even 2018 me would believe my situation right now.

i have this friend that i’ve known since 3rd grade. he’s actually why i got into music in the first place since he invited me to see a concert with him. it was my first and it changed everything about music for me, even though i only went because I liked him. this was in 7th grade.

flash forward to 9th grade, when we ended up at the same high school. i still had feelings for him but we had kinda drifted apart due to some stereotypical middle school drama in our friend group back in 8th grade. For some reason, I get another one of my friends to try to set me up with him. He rejected me. Between the embarrassment I felt and the pandemic that shortly followed, we drifted entirely.

but in full honesty, despite how hard i tried to scoff the idea of him off, i missed him. our moms are friends so i heard about him all the time. i wanted to talk to him again, but i thought he would want nothing to do with me if he found out i was trans (i was closeted outside of my very small circle). i would see him in the halls all the time and the most we would say to each other was hi.

it made me sad, but eventually i stopped thinking about him. music became my life over covid and i decided that it was something i wanted to pursue in some way for the rest of my life. that’s what made me land on audio engineering.

so i got into my first choice school for the program i wanted. I had learned how to play bass just to get in since I wanted a change from percussion. Decision day comes and everyone at our high school has on a sweatshirt from their college.

i look through the crowd only to see that he had on the exact same sweatshirt as me. later, his mom told my mom he was going to school for this weird major called audio engineering, and since it was a music school, he auditioned on bass.

insane odds right?! when i found that out, i really didn’t know how to feel. i thought i was never going to see him again after high school. i planned to go by a new name that wasn’t even close to my old one. i felt like i needed to reconnect with him but i was afraid he wouldn’t accept me. so at first, i planned to act like i barely knew him.

flash forward 6 months. he is genuinely my best friend at this college. sometimes our bass professor is an ass and we laugh our way through it. i have every class with him besides for my math and writing classes. we get dinner together on monday nights and breakfast every morning (fuck those 8AMs, man). more importantly, it’s like we picked off right where we left off years ago. the only difference is that he calls me a different name.

our time together had sent me digging through all those old thoughts again, and over the past month, i’ve started to realize that maybe some of those feelings never died. he’ll do the smallest thing for me and i can feel myself almost turning red. i feel like I’m floating after we hang out.

i’ve never had feelings leave me as dumbfounded as i am now.

when i get back home, all these what ifs flood my head. part of me really believes we could have been something if I wasn’t trans. today we looked at each other in a way that I kinda can’t describe and now I’m scared that he still sees me as a woman. what would he do if he ever found out i was into him again? what would the next 4 years of school look like, where I’m in a class with just him and the 3 other bassists in our grade?

on nights like these, i sit around and listen On The Floor by Perfume Genius until my brain can’t take it anymore, when i’m sure I knocked all of those feelings out of my system, because I know for a fact that we will never happen. but then i wake up and walk down to our class and by the end of the day, i feel everything all over again.

how long is this gonna last?

[peppertaemint]

I have a big Ask about becoming drained by the kpop life (Anon added a lol, btw). I thought I would put excerpts here and respond. The Anon is aiming this at all fandoms.

there seems to be this constant wave of complaints, entitlement and overreacting to every damn thing. Either it's a conspiracy and the company their fave group works at is trying to sabotage their faves or complaining that the company is over working their faves not taking into consideration what that artist is capable of being able to handle or discussions they may have had with their agency, overreacting that their fave isn't being treated equally, counting how many lines their fave gets, how much camera time, if their fave is sick or hurts their ankle, back, finger, leg, hand, arm, it's catastrophic and they act like it's RIP city and people are crying and talking about how scared they are, if two members get along and like to spend a lot of time together then that automatically means they're crushing on each other or in s secret relationship.

And:

The misogynists, the homophobics, the akgaes, the sexists, the ageists, the constant mobbing at the airports, the having fits about their faves dating or getting married and still plotting shit against those who dare live their lives just like everybody else on the planet deserves to do. All of it, I just don't want to see it. And as much as I have muted and unfollowed and blocked, the shit still gets through. I want to stay up to date on what my favorites are doing but I don't want to see the stupid shit. Those of you who have managed to not be exposed, mad props, but it hasn't worked for me. I need some advice because I am worn out by fans, not the kpop groups themselves

First, I don't believe the people who I see commenting and Ask-ing etc who say "wow I don't get how you see all this stuff wow I never see it." These people are either liars who want to make you feel crazy (gaslighters, lol) or they're only going on Tumblr and just got here so they haven't seen it yet. YET.

All fandom experiences have pieces of what you describe Anon, but it's Kpop fandoms that are the most extreme. And this is because it's driven by teens and mostly young girls. As much as people want to be the exception to the rule, the majority of people in these fandoms are still kids (up to 25 yrs old). Beyond kids, you have a lot of people of different ages with unhealthy fixations. I mean, how many "army" have you met who say their only happiness is BTS? I don't at all judge those people, but we have to be honest in saying that's not in the realm of healthy mindsets. When you put your happiness in people you don't know, that's a huge gamble.

A lot of people are fixated with online fandom community because they're filling in a void in their life; it can be a hobby (probably reasonably healthy) or it can be the person's reason to keep going. That's why you see such extreme reactions. When you're 12, everything is the end of the world. When your entire life is Baekhyun, his sore throat is gonna be the height of anxiety to you. Again, I'm not judging this; different strokes for different folks.

So what advice can I give you? Perhaps just to understand why it's happening and take breaks from it when it's not adding to your life. I mute people a lot. Basically, I put them in time-out. Even on DM too (oops secret's out!). If someone is crying about something I find infantalizing and a detriment to my life, I close it off and move on; I come back when/if I have time for that. I tend to unmute people when I can't remember what they did that was annoying. It works well. I can always re-mute. And this saves the block drama.

The easiest fix tho? Close Twitter, Tumblr, IG, etc and do something different. Watch a movie. Go out with friends. Or, watch a concert to remind you why you're really here. My "fangirling" is mostly in private, where I get to watch Taemin and SHINee concerts whenever I feel like it, by myself or with family and friends, and the only person whose opinion matters in mine.

Recently I watched SHINee World IV with my mom. She adored Jonghyun. Just gotta say that. ;)

[cheemken]

Knight, anything you’d like to say about the champions? Or just Diantha and Geeta if you don’t want to do all 🎤🎤🎤

Ough the Dia and Geeta brainrot is so real but I really should write more stuff abt the champions too, but still tho, Dia/Geeta would probs have more stuff here hope that's cool uvu" hahaha

Anyways ouo

•Geeta def caught a Carbink for Diantha for her 18th bday as a gift

-Dia cried like no shit and thanked Geeta for it, saying "this is the best gift I ever got, thank you, ma lune ;A;"

"mi sol, you're,, you're kinda holding them a bit too tight—"

"I'll take care of them I promise ;A;"

-she wanted to name it Diancie, after her own lil Carbink who she lost, but she knows it's for the best she doesn't

-since then Diantha is always seen around w Carbink following besides her, making a promise to herself that she's really gonna take care of it, she's not gonna fail this Carbink too

•That Carbink honest to god hates Leon just as much as Diantha does and it's really no surprise

-the champions visit Kalos this time, Leon meets Diantha's Carbink, said Carbink used Rock Slide (a weak one don't worry) on him and he's all "what the hell?!"

"oh, sorry, they don't do well with strangers"

"I've been here ten separate times how am I still a stranger?!"

"maybe he just doesn't like you"

•anyways speaking of Leon and Dia, do you see my vision when I say that they're the most ♠️ coded pairing in my hcs (the Homestuck girlies will understand this hahah)

-like, the song I Can See You TV by Taylor Swift? That's Dia and Leon's song right there

•since Cynthia and Lance both like Dia in my hcs, I wanna imagine them like fighting for her attention maybe hahah

-like yknow trying to one up each other

-Geeta actually helps Cynthia, telling her the stuff Diantha likes so Cynthia would have the upper hand

-Steven helps Lance out bc he honestly pities him at this point—

-Iris and Hau helps Cynthia bc ofc they would, they've had enough of her gay ramblings everytime they play Orrecraft together

-Wallace just wants to see how long will it take for Diantha to actually notice bc as smart as she is, she's really really really fucking dense when it comes to someone liking her romantically

•yknow w that, I do wanna add that Diantha really has troubles on figuring out romantic love more than anything

-bc for one, she grew up watching the marriage of her parents fall apart

-two, she's an actress, she sees all the drama regarding celebrity romance all the time, sees what happens behind the cameras and how those relationships seems and are fake

-so hey, the only stable relationship she ever had in her life is the familial one w her brother and the platonic one w Geeta

-tbh she's really scared to actually have a legit romantic relationship w anyone, she thinks it's gonna end up like her parents' relationship and it'll get messy, and she'd rather die than to become like any of them, driven by bitterness and anger over the other bc of a miscommunication

-she does want to try to have a romantic relationship w someone tho, she really does, but it's that fear that's holding her back from doing so, and since bc she's so used to platonic love, and since Geeta is also that affectionate towards her, she thinks Lance and Cynthia's advances towards her are just them being nice the same way Geeta is

•the Diantha brainrot is so real isn't it, anyways yeah Diantha loves musicals but she doesn't sing that much

-Wallace has a really good singing voice but he almost never sings too

-Hau would often prompt them to sing whatever they want when he brings along his Primarina, saying that even if they're off key, it's fun to sing w friends around

-so the more Hau brings his Primarina, the more Wallace and Diantha would sing w them too

-Geeta just loves hearing Dia's voice, and even brought along a Skeledirge one time and the two pkmn had a lil concert of their own

•yknow since they do have lil champions meetups and such, imagine if they all have that one region they don't like visiting hahah

-Lance doesn't like visiting Paldea for obvious reasons, he also doesn't like to visit Alola that much bc of the weather. He doesn't understand how Geeta and Cynthia could wear all that black under the Alolan sun

-Steven doesn't like visiting Kanto and Unova that much, he does like going to Sinnoh tho

-Wallace doesn't like Sinnoh at all, altho Hearthome is a good venue for contests, he just doesn't like how that region is so,, mountainous

-Cynthia hates Kanto but likes Johto, she will never admit that to Lance since she actually likes visiting Blackthorn

-Iris doesn't like the vibes in Kalos, she just puts up w it for Diantha. Majority of the people she meets there are low-key elitists, and even Diantha admits they are and she also doesn't like them

-Diantha hates going to Galar and if anything she'd try to make up excuses to not join champion meetups when it's set in that region

-Hau doesn't really hate any of the regions, he just hates it when they stay at a cold place like Icirrus, Snowpoint, Snowbelle, etc

-Leon hates Kalos but for different reasons, he has to admit tho the food there is amazing, desserts especially

-Geeta doesn't like going to Hoenn, and also hates going to Kanto/Johto for obvious reasons too hahah

[myfriendtheghost]

I’m so scared for the Greenville show 💀 I can’t camp out either! This is my first gvf show after being a fan since 2017 and I’m scared I’m not gonna have a good spot for my first time 🫠 Also I was born and raised in Greenville like this is literally my hometown show, I graduated high school in that arena and had my very first concert at 3 years old in that arena. It’s special to me 😭 and back in October nobody was going and now everyone is and that’s stressing me tf out bc how am I gonna get a good spot😭😭 and I’m really short and don’t have any friends in this fandom lmao broooo

FELTTTTT THIIIIISSSS. I keep seeing people on Twitter referring to it as the next AC and I’m like .. could y’all not have chosen any of the other rescheduled shows lmao 🥲🥲🥲 Knoxville isn’t my hometown, but it was the closest thing I’ll get to a hometown show and my experience was greatly soured by everyone disobeying the venues rules and the band’s security letting them getting away with it/encouraging it. of course I still had a great time once they came out on stage and I was singing along to the songs, but I really wish I could’ve had a spot where I could see :( it’s really not fair to fans who aren’t able to camp overnight, or for fans who aren’t on social media and have no idea that fan lines even happen. so many people in the Knoxville Facebook group were talking about getting screwed over for doing what they were told and that’s just so insanely shitty to me

[goose-books]

hi max!! i'm the anon who asked you about amt- i promise i'm not ignoring you, i'm just very busy rn and want to message you once i have time to read it :) i have another question: you have quite a lot of projects on this blog but you've also had this up for a few years, how long did it take you to finish each work?

like i've been looking through your project pages and am wondering what your typical process + finished work looks like because i think it's SO impressive that you've got all these organized laid-out lists of your works, with so many character development and plot details. like with amt, you said there were 16 episodes; how long was each and how did you develop the plot through a podcast format divided by episodes?? what about love, h or valentine van velt which (i think) are shorter than your other works? also do you have any tips for committing and working on & finishing a project?

and ditto that i am not ignoring you, just! school. < falls over and dies. anyway this got really long so i'm going to answer your last question first and then put the stuff specific to my projects under the cut so i don't bloat everyone's dashboard

committing to and finishing things is also hard for me, in part because i have a really terrible attention span (and in part because editing scares me, so i tend to draft things and then immediately move onto the next shiny project while the old one flounders messily). but some things that work for me:

i have multiple projects, but i only draft one thing at once. at all times i am thinking about four or five stories. this is because i am insane and everything in the world is about my writing. this actually works pretty well, because i spend a lot of time letting ideas marinate in my head. i tend to get struck by inspiration, write the first chapter or few pages of a project, then spend the next, eh, six months?* just listening to music and Thinking About It Really Hard. but eventually i hit a point where my google doc of scattered notes is substantial and i feel brave enough to actually draft the thing, and when this happens, i put my other projects aside. i mean, i'll still think about them sometimes, but i put my concerted effort toward the Current and Present Beast, because otherwise i will never do it.

(*my process with AMT was the least typical here--usually i draft in a mad dash for the end, but AMT was episodic in a way that let me drift in and out of it, so a lot of my marination time took place between episodes. but it still kind of counts if you consider that i had the original idea of lesbian high school romeo and juliet, like, two years before i figured out how to make it work as a story.)

okay, so when do i start drafting something? used to be "never," because i was convinced i needed an airtight plot and setting before i could actually do anything. my oldest oldest projects (if you remember Quark and TMR, you are entitled to a veteran's discount--) have existed for AGES because i was, like, fourteen and convinced i needed to write a plot that would make blake snyder cry. this may work for some people! but in my case i've learned that i need to just... go at the first draft, even if there are holes in it, because i usually patch up those holes along the way with sudden bursts of genius. and, worst case scenario, i can go back and fill extra info in, which i cannot do to a blank page. (i've also learned that a too detailed outline takes the fun out of it for me; i need to be able to surprise myself along the way.)

i figured this out because i realized i like to give myself external timeslots. things like nanowrimo have been hugely helpful: they have a set start date, so i cannot putter around forever fretting that my worldbuilding is thin. obligatory statement that i know nanowrimo has some problems, but it could be anything--you could even just go, "okay, i'm gonna start this in october," or, "i'm gonna start this the next time i'm on break from school" (unless you work year round and then i don't know, i'm sorry, i'm not a real adult).

extra points if there is an end to this (eg. the end of the month; the point when you have to go back to school)--not because you have to finish by that deadline, because nobody's gonna sue you, but because 1. you know you are not in drafting mania forever and will soon do something else, and 2. you can set goals more strategically than "uhhhh i want it to be done." of all the projects i have drafted successfully, i would say 60%? were nano efforts that just spilled over into december and january, because by that point i had enough momentum to keep going (at a slightly less mad-dash pace).

throughout the whole process of marinating and drafting, i try to find comparable/inspiring media! this doesn't have to be as specific as a publishing comp title; it's literally just anything that gets me excited about the project. that way, when i'm chilling and not actively writing, i'm still turning over ideas, even if it's just with half of my brain. for example, with darkling, obviously i read a bunch of king lear retellings/adaptations, but i also focused on: books with similar worldbuilding vibes (eg. Nghi Vo's The Chosen and the Beautiful); books concerning autism and schizophrenia (for representation reasons & just to get my brain going); and books on abusive relationships (surprise surprise; darkling is about king lear).

because i have a huge boner for lists and organization i have a google doc where i have put some media comps for each of my projects (most of which i haven't read yet, but also some books that inspired me or hit the tone i want. or books i hate that inspired me via spite). i consult it fitfully

but how do i know which project to work on when i have so many? great question. i don't have good advice here. a lot of my projects coincide with intense hyperfixations (obviously darkling was my lear era; godsong started with the start of my roman history... thing...), which makes it easier. beyond that, i try to figure out which projects have the most groundwork laid. although perhaps groundwork is the wrong word, because i find that for me personally, it's not a matter of how much i know about characters and plot, but how crazy i am about the stuff i do have. the main reason i write as much as i do is because concepts seize me and thrash me around. this is why i have never tried to do story commissions, because i worry that i won't ever finish something if it isn't living in my mind rent-free 24/7 when i should be doing homework.

this is not something i can really advice about because it's just how my brain works, but i will say that if you (general; not necessarily you, anon) have had trouble finishing things in the past, it might not be a problem of structure--it might just be that you haven't had Your Absolute Favorite Idea yet. and at some point you will have an idea that obsesses you so thoroughly that you have no other choice. i mean, external structure is also really important, don't get me wrong. but sometimes you have to start twenty things to find the thing you really want to work on.

(and sometimes you have to start the same project four times to make it work. i rarely fully Give Up on something; i just tuck it into my back pocket in case i figure it out someday or cannibalize it for parts. in fall 2022 i started a short story, then realized i didn't have a plot or even a series of events and ran out of steam, but i kept thinking about it occasionally. and then almost exactly a year later, i went, "oh!," and went back to it and finished it and i'm pretty sure it got me into clarion west. so. nothing is ever lost!!! you can always repurpose characters or plots or lines from unfinished projects!!! you can always revive them like frankenstein!!! it's always morally correct!!!)

ok maxproject nonsense under the cut

re: "how long do they take?" this is the worst possible answer but. It Depends. some of the projects i have up still aren't finished. once i start drafting, i'm pretty fast, but the marination part can last months or years. i also think my outlining has been getting increasingly detailed, mostly because i've finally sort of figured out how story structure works.

i wrote valentine van velt in the summer of 2020 (and yeah, comparatively, that is really short for me), and with that i had a vague idea of the plot and sectioned it into eight (okay, seven) "parts," and then i just... started typing. (re: love h: i actually have not written more than a few scattered scenes from this yet. it's lying in wait. someday it'll grab me by the hair again)

darkling (drafted late 2020) and AMT (2019-2020) came out roughly the same: i started with a big-picture plot (easy; shakespeare gave them to me), then plotted out each episode or act before writing it (darkling is split into seven acts), but i was also actively writing as i was doing that plotting so it was sort of a cartoon of a guy putting railroad tracks down in front of his train at lightspeed. like, "oh, i'm gonna start act five tomorrow, better figure out what fucking happens in it [beyond 'the plot of king lear']!" with darkling i would figure out roughly what was going to happen in each act + which POV would go in which order, and i would do this literally the night before i started typing the next chapter, and it was like a beautiful desperate puzzle. with AMT, i had a vague list of "this stuff happens next" and i would try to squash closely-related events into the same episode. don't ask me how long the episodes are. we can't talk about this

my more recent writing has been a little more structured--godsong is the longform thing i'm working on right now, and the outlines have gotten to the "i know how many chapters there are going to be and who does what in them" stage of neuroticism. though, granted, i still need that element of surprise, so a lot of the time it looks like this

i left my typos in there because i'm an honest man.

anyway so "how long did it take" depends on whether you're counting just the drafting or the whole marinating part. i started thinking about godsong in 2021 and i started writing it that nanowrimo, and i finished the draft in january, but godsong2 (there are gonna be three of them. pray for me) took longer because it was more complicated and i was busier (that was summer 2022--summer 2023). darkling is my fast freak of a son because i read king lear in march 2020 and then finished the draft 2021 and ignored it forever after, amen. AMT secretly goes back to, like, 2017, because that was when i first thought, "hey, what if i wrote a high school romeo and juliet with lesbians," so some of the characters were bobbing around my brain before i started writing, but the actual writing was... two years? three? something like that. i wrote the first pages of VVVID in summer 2019 (guess who was in... [jazz hands] exposure therapy!), but i didn't write any more of it until summer 2020, when i was like, "okay, i'm now 17, this is the book about being 17, i'm just gonna chug after it until it's done." my old old bastards (quark & TMR) still exist in fragmented pieces, especially because it's hard to try to figure out which parts to retain or discard from a story you invented when you were Fucking Thirteen, but they remain in my head so i feel like it counts.

holy shit this is such a long answer. i am so sorry. thank you so much for the kind words and questions. gently applies a sticker to your forehead

[wanderrlust0]

sudden rant turned spiral lol oops

my friend got tickets to see hozier aka andrew their wife and basically got them for us since i said id be down to go. personally im not like a fan where id go see him but id say im a casual listener. like i knew a good amount of songs. i loveee cherry wine and others. now that we have this concert coming up on june 7, ive become a listener. i gotta prepare and all that yknow. cant go to andrew unprepared. also..idk how?! but i was not aware of his thick irish accent.. loll and i mean, even in his new album, he sings with a clear accent?? idk how i never noticed before honestly. so yeah, im curious to know what a hozier concert will be liikeeee. this will be my second concert this yr and they both involve me going bc a friend asked me to go for company lol. i am going to another in august w my bf to see porter robinson and thats actually one i will really enjoy!! itll also be our first like “edm” dance music type concert so itll be so cool. its at the same stadium that hozier will be at as welllll..but you see, what im procrastinating is telling my bf im going w my friend. my friend who hes not a fan of. the one who he thinks is a Threat! D: ive been knowing for likee 2 weeksish and havent said a single word about it agdjfkfl but i am calling it now.. i. will. tell. him. tomorrow. period. no ifs ands or buts. i need to stop worrying and just rip the bandaid off. once i do tho, im still gonna feel anxious bc literally The NEXt WEEk we will most likely go to my (ex)coworkers second party. (the one who threw a halloween party and i didnt know if wed go but we were already hanging out that day so i mentioned it prior and we ended up having enough time and the girls house was very close to me so we ended up dropping by and i told elias right then and there so it was very last minute and kind of fucked up of me but ive developed an avoidance thing towards him if it has to do with snow bc of everything and thats why now i cant help myself from feeling nervous to ever bring them up around him bc im scared he’ll revert back and not love me and start resenting me and leave me and be mean to me and make me feel lonely and accuse me of things and say its my fault i started the friendship in the first place and that im not committed to him and dont love him anymore and everything else under the sun bc hes got trust issues which is a pain and he’ll go from loving me so hard to not in a quick minute if he starts thinking the worst possibilities and i just cant handle all of that and tbh its nothing new so ive grown to understand the process and that itll pass but it really does suckk and it can turn into a turn off and then he becomes emotionally unavailable and then i become emotionally annoyed and then its a constant reoccurring cycle that doesnt always look the same but they follow the same theme which is trust and every time it happens i want to shout at his ex for causing him to develop this issue and this is me spiraling right now bc im nervous and to be crystal clear its not bc im doing anything shady at all or anything with this friend but i just wanna feel the freedom to just casually hang out with them without it feeling so taboo or whatever bc we still have so many plans that wed like to do and idk if he will ever be okay with me going to their house and idk when he’ll ever get better where he wont care how many times we hang out or how often we talk and i just want him to chill about them bc theyre not a bad person at all theyre not this homewrecker girlfriend stealer he makes it out to beeee were literally just existinggg were literally just two friends who enjoy each others company and existence and have become very open and genuine with fairly quickly and we somehow just connected and i truly do love them as a friend and im happy weve crossed paths and stayed in touch and its just something he cant and wont fully understand about us but hes been trying to at least a little but is mainly just dealing with it bc he knows he cant stop me and im not gonna stop my friendship bc hes telling me to so,

…continued…

[namesaareboring]

tw: vent

I feel so upset and so so so ugly, it all feels like this will never change. I wanted to go to that concert and all I asked from father was permission- apparently it's not suitable to him. How petty you can get, father? I hate it here. Maybe I really don't deserve to have fun, enjoy things. I don't want to think in this way but everywhere I turn my head I remember how shitty my life is and it is my fault that my life is shit. I am scared of taking a step further. I am a failure and I do nothing to change it. I just keep on complaining- to myself, I don't have any friends around me since they all moved on with their lives.

What am I gonna do with my life... I'm planning to go to uni in my hometown because of economical issues and because of that I probably will have no freedom and keeping telling myself that it's okay doesn't make it okay. But like, studying in another city isn't an option. I don't need to worry about it, because I won't get into uni this year too. I will fail, if I keep on like this.

Even if I win uni I don't believe I will be happy. I will be stressing all day and deadlines will start to make me even more depressed than being friendless. I can easily say I am not ordinary, I am a weirdo and I wouldn't be accepted in my city as my whole personality. Hell, I really believe if I was loudly out I could even get kill3d or rap3d. I am lucky I guess. So yeah, I won't have real friends in college/university anyway. I will be alone and miserable even if I can get into it for the next fall semester. Because I will most likely be had to take the test again since I am not well prepared. I hate myself for that. I am wasting my time. Because nothing will happen after I finish uni. I will simply end up as unemployed. The area I want to be expertised is highly unemployed in business. And even if I find a job, I would probably be short on that too. And just be slave to the wage. And the worst is that that is not living. I don't want to live like that. But I will have no choice other than that being a cashier in some supermarket and live in my parents' house.

I am not afraid of d3ath, I am afraid of keeping on living. I am so sick of myself Kinda wish I was d3ad. Kinda not at the same time. I still need to see Deadpool 3, the new Doctor Who season and some other book series' final. I hope I don't di3 in pain. I hope I di3 later, not sooner but at least di3 awake... If not di3 in the expected earthquake, be buried under the wreckage. I've been thinking a lot about this lately.

[baekhvuns]

SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING 😭😭😭😭 everytime I wanted to shoot you an ask I was like "I wanna write a longer message, so let me do it later" and yeah later turned out to be a looooot later WTF MY LAST MESSAGE WAS IN THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST 😮😮😮😮 how and when... time is not real seriously it's insane. What did you think happened to me? 😅

Lewis said NEVER LET THEM KNOW YOUR NEXT MOVE, he is craaaaazy. Hopefully it'll end well for him, but the fuck is he oooooon. My friend needs to be strong, keeping her in my thoughts & prayers, cause she DOES NOT fuck with Ferrari at all. Imagine if I had to support Barca or Tottenham 😅 Damn the news about Klopp shocked me, Liverpool is doing so well, I guess it's better to leave when you're still successful. It's a shame he feels burnt out, but I get him

Omg, graduation, my child Baeksussy is growing so fast! You'll be free from your Avocado Uni soon, excited, nervous?

Stop not the rom coms and thinking about me ahshsjshajaja, romance is not dead <3 Any interesting WIPs? I haven't read fanfiction in 100 years, actually I haven't read much at all, my brain is all rotten 🙃

I hope 2024 is better for everyone, but I don't have high hopes, lmao. I just wanna survive winter, still trying to beat seasonal depression before I enter my allergy era. I spent my birthday as well as NYE SICK AND ON MY PERIOD BECAUSE IT CAME A WEEK LATE.

Yeah the job in Seoul highkey scares me cause I haven't worked full time like that in a long time, but I need a lot of money and it can actually help me a lot. I'm trying to do something more with my life, but idk if I'll manage, I don't smoke nor drink anymore so how am I gonna cope??? The good side is that I'm getting a really nice apartment and a car too from the company 😌

Meeting Yuta again would be an achievement, meanwhile I saw some other NCT members and Mr Xiaojun like 5 times 😭 when I finally got an opportunity to talk to him he signed my pc <3 I alsl came across Changbin, Yeonjun and Dino once, and Itzy while they were filming something. I went to bunch of NCT concerts in the past few months, I still have more to attend including Ten's con FINALLY TEN SOLO!!! I also saw SVT, SKZ and a few smaller groups, my last one was Everglow a few days ago <3

I miss being a massive Shinestar, there were a few anniversaries of my fan calls with him recently and I got sentimental. But yeah I don't speak to that many hardcore Atinys anymore so I'm not up to date with Atz. It's pretty sad, but maybe it'll change in the future. On the other hand I prefer to be more casual. Casual... meanwhile I gave so much fucking money to SM IT'S SICKKKK. I enjoy kpop music-wise still, but you're right something is a bit off lately...

In my defense, hear me out: I've only spent like 3 days in Vancouver! I barely registered what was happening, cause my friend and I were helping her friend who was giving birth 😭😭😭 she was not supposed to give birth at that time 😬. So if you by any chance were also birthing a child at BC Women's Hospital then perhaps we met! I also remember going to a food place called The Naam I believe as well as one really good, yet tiny Vietnamese vegan one. Oh and I visited a university, not yours though, but imagine agsjdhsjsjajddjskh

But okay I deserve the lashings! So I'll be your euro guide once you visit the old continent 💜 - DV 💖

i responded to this ask FOUR times 😭😭😭 & gave up bc it won’t load (this ask from u is still so surreal)

SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING 😭😭😭😭 everytime I wanted to shoot you an ask I was like "I wanna write a longer message, so let me do it later" and yeah later turned out to be a looooot later WTF MY LAST MESSAGE WAS IN THE BEGINNING OF AUGUST 😮😮😮😮 how and when... time is not real seriously it's insane. What did you think happened to me? 😅

6 MONTHS OF NOTHING I THOUGHT U WERE NEVER COMING BACK 😭😭😭😭 i actually genuinely thought something must’ve happened at your travel bc the last time u messaged me u said you were either hiking or in a jungle so no service or something and when u stopped responding i was like “omg the forest got to anon” 😭😭😭

Lewis said NEVER LET THEM KNOW YOUR NEXT MOVE, he is craaaaazy. Hopefully it'll end well for him, but the fuck is he oooooon. My friend needs to be strong, keeping her in my thoughts & prayers, cause she DOES NOT fuck with Ferrari at all. Imagine if I had to support Barca or Tottenham 😅 Damn the news about Klopp shocked me, Liverpool is doing so well, I guess it's better to leave when you're still successful. It's a shame he feels burnt out, but I get him

he REALLY BE LIKE THAT ???? hoping he gets his 8th, id celebrate like i won it,,, but it also makes me think— this year abu dhabi would be the last time he’d driver as a merc driver, goes to ferarri w/ 100 million a year,,, possible free cars from ferarri -> retirement soon,,, THIS IS TOO MUCH MR MERCEDES U CANT GO 😭😭 LMFAOOO i cannot wait for ur friend to turn up in all red apparel ready for a therapy session, she a real tifosi LMAOOOOO no fr 10 years is a long time i get his situation as well + focusing more on his family, it would be crazy if he went to barca id probably die

this is so accurate

wait omg did u also hear about what horner might have done 😀 and the fact that he and newey have a contract where if one leaves, the other follows = which in my delusional tifosi mind can only say NEWRY TO FERARRI 2024/2025 FERARRI WDC HAMILTON 8TH TITLE LECLERC FIRST TIME WDC

Omg, graduation, my child Baeksussy is growing so fast! You'll be free from your Avocado Uni soon, excited, nervous?

no really! a little TOO fast everything’s a lil too fast 😭😭 free from avocado 😭😭 iM very nervous actually but i can’t wait to leave it so i don’t have to worry about assignments being due 8am in the morning or having any classes at that, gonna get a few tats and enter the real world 😭😭😭 this uni took years off my life

Stop not the rom coms and thinking about me ahshsjshajaja, romance is not dead <3 Any interesting WIPs? I haven't read fanfiction in 100 years, actually I haven't read much at all, my brain is all rotten 🙃

romance is not but i may be soon fbkafjak nO NONE WIPS 😭😭 just dreams that would seem very real if i were to convert into a wip,, im on the same boat as u, i just stopped reading (also probably bc so many authors also left) i read like those older ones once in a while to feel something

I hope 2024 is better for everyone, but I don't have high hopes, lmao. I just wanna survive winter, still trying to beat seasonal depression before I enter my allergy era. I spent my birthday as well as NYE SICK AND ON MY PERIOD BECAUSE IT CAME A WEEK LATE.

JCJCKCJCKC STOP THATS THE FUCKING WORST (also u might hAVE recently had ur birthday so happy belated birthday!!!!) do u ever have high hopes and then those hopes just fall to the pits of the earth <3

Yeah the job in Seoul highkey scares me cause I haven't worked full time like that in a long time, but I need a lot of money and it can actually help me a lot. I'm trying to do something more with my life, but idk if I'll manage, I don't smoke nor drink anymore so how am I gonna cope??? The good side is that I'm getting a really nice apartment and a car too from the company 😌

hopefully this job gives u loads of moolah $$ so u can travel to more places!! you’re going to sk and the drinking culture there anon 😭😭 them bosses would be pissed if you didn’t drink bfwmdbwk OH???? A CAR AND AN APART??? OKAY THIS IS BIG GIRL MONEY AND A BIG GIRL JOB WOAH ANON WHERE TF ARE U WORKING 🤚🏻 MF SAMSUNG???

Meeting Yuta again would be an achievement, meanwhile I saw some other NCT members and Mr Xiaojun like 5 times 😭 when I finally got an opportunity to talk to him he signed my pc <3 I alsl came across Changbin, Yeonjun and Dino once, and Itzy while they were filming something. I went to bunch of NCT concerts in the past few months, I still have more to attend including Ten's con FINALLY TEN SOLO!!! I also saw SVT, SKZ and a few smaller groups, my last one was Everglow a few days ago <3

I miss being a massive Shinestar, there were a few anniversaries of my fan calls with him recently and I got sentimental. But yeah I don't speak to that many hardcore Atinys anymore so I'm not up to date with Atz. It's pretty sad, but maybe it'll change in the future. On the other hand I prefer to be more casual. Casual... meanwhile I gave so much fucking money to SM IT'S SICKKKK. I enjoy kpop music-wise still, but you're right something is a bit off lately...

this entire thing ‼️100% i have a few friends who i listen to the albums with when they drop one, engage in discussions abt the song choices and then go to the concerts just not a whole content type of person anymore idk if they’re doing some interviews or shows but i find out about it like a while later bc im just so out of the loop,, LMFAOOOO TO SM FHKWHDKWHDKW SM DOWNFALL HAPPENINGG something really is! idk maybe it’s like the star factor groups once used to have that’s just not existent as much? heard about teddy’s new gg & it looks very promising lots of star factors and an actual nepo baby but it’s likely not gonna be meeting up to the expectations

In my defense, hear me out: I've only spent like 3 days in Vancouver! I barely registered what was happening, cause my friend and I were helping her friend who was giving birth 😭😭😭 she was not supposed to give birth at that time 😬. So if you by any chance were also birthing a child at BC Women's Hospital then perhaps we met! I also remember going to a food place called The Naam I believe as well as one really good, yet tiny Vietnamese vegan one. Oh and I visited a university, not yours though, but imagine agsjdhsjsjajddjskh

anon you gotta be fucking kidding me right now YOU WERE 15 MINUTES AWAY FROM ME IM GONNA ANBFMWFHWKDW COMBUST GET THE FUCK OUT ???? I WAS JCJCKCJ RIGHT MF THERE 🔫 omg is the friend okay?? the baby??? birthing a child (added to ur resume),, YOU WENT TO NAAM??? ITS SOO GOOD ISNT IT!!! i will give u my step (it’s like u add a bunch of restaurants or places you’ve been to, kind like a itinerary) account for foods in canada OR better yet u give me urs so i can be prepared 🫡

u must’ve visited the rival university, fuck them actually, it’s time u come to my jail or a university with its brutalism architecture <3 im gonna assume u went to the bc’s uni which sucks ass in my opinion, avocado uni was and is >>>> sorry like imagine u come to my uni and walk past me and then have the audacity to send me an ask “hey baek sussy i went to ur uni today!” AND I LOSE MY SHIT

But okay I deserve the lashings! So I'll be your euro guide once you visit the old continent 💜 - DV 💖

you absolutely do,, absolutely i cannot wait!! i might even go twice that year! AND GIVE U YOUR LASHINGS THERE it would be really funny if u take me to spain and it’s an el classico night..

[sunnybubblezzz]

SUCH A GOOD WEEK

okay well first of all i’ll start with just how great this weekend was. like UGHHESAHDH and then im just gonna say how grateful i am to God because woah im soo happy.

okay well first of all, DUHHH BIRTHDAY WEEK. i genuinely forgot this week was my birthday and MANNASND IM SO HAPPY. like i didnt get to do ALL the things i wanted for my birthday and i didnt get everything i wanted ofcofc but woah this week was amazing.

I GOT TO SEE THE HUNGER GAMES. THAT MOVIE WAS INCREDIBLE and i got to go with two of my close friends. i was really really sad bc i thought we wouldnt be able to go and i DOOO wish more of my friends were able to come with me.

BUT LIKE IT WAS SOOO GOOD AND I LOVE THE FRIENDS WHO CAME WITH ME.

you guys are never gonna see this but i loved that day and it brought me sm joy you have no idea. PLUS I GOT TO SEE SNOW???

my birthday day was eh BUTBUT EVERYONE SENT THEIR BIRTHDAY TEXTS TO ME AND I NO LIE GOT SOO HAPPY. i didnt expect all my friends to remember idk but they did and i was OVERJOYED.

THEN I GOT TO GO ICE SKATING FOR A BIRTHDAY PARTY? it was SOOO nice and was SOO much fun plus that was an amazing time with my friends

and my friend gave me a birthday gift..

I LEGIT SHED TEARS (okay not in front of her but still) LIKE I CANNOT. it was only one person but man sometimes i forget how good it feels to get a gift from someone.

like… im always the one giving gifts but it really really touched my heart to get one from her and I LOVE HER SM AND I CANTTT IT MADE MY DAY.

i love you i really do.

then ofc i saw one of my closest(?) friends (and i lowkey felt we were drifting apart) like FOUR TIMES THIS WEEK BACK TO BACK. okay okay trust me thats a lot for us 💀.

we went to the mall together which was lowkey weird bc she never asks me to hang out like that. AND I GOT THE PERFECTT DRESS LIKE I LOVE IT SMM??

then WE WENT TO THE GENSHIN CONCERT

moment of silence for just how GRATEFUL I AMMM.

i love you SMMSMM for getting me tickets like the opportunity of a lifetime?? ngl i lowkey was kinda mad bc the friend we took wasnt as grateful as i felt she should have been… thats how grateful i was like “how can someone not thank this girlie with all her might”

it was a WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE and im only sad that one of out other friends couldnt go.

I WAS JUST

AHSDHASHDHSDHHS

IT WAS SO GOOOD

okay and now for one of my favorite moments..

okay so we were taking pics with some of the cosplayers and then this other cosplayer talks behind us… i look behind me, look at her cosplay and immediately say, “YING?” AND SHE SAYS YES???

like in the car we were looking at twitter for who’s going and was AMAZED that ying was and hoped we get to see her. I DID NOT EXPECT US TO?

LIKE I JUST RECOGNIZED HER FROM HER VOICE. the last time i listened to this girls voice was months ago but SHHH that’s unimportant.

what ISSS IMPORTANT IS THAT I SAW HER, FANGIRLED OVER HER, SHE CALLED ME PRETTY, THEN I WAS JUST OVERJOYED.

THENNN I WENT HOME, POSTED THE INTERACTION ON TWITTER, AND SHE SAID SHE REMMBERED ME.. HELLO??

LIKE WHY ARE SO MUCH GOOD STUFF HAPPENING TO ME ITS NOT ADDING UP.

i wouldnt call myself an unlucky person (luck isn’t real). but i will say that a lot of unfortunate things happen to me usually and ive just learned to go with the flow. but idk im just just so HAPPY and so GRATEFUL and and im scared that it’ll all get ruined when i wake up but man cant i live in this moment of happiness forever?

then today was just such an amazing day like such a great end to my birthday week i just. im just.

anyway to end it off, one of my friends from a while ago texted me asking if i ever drew this picture for this girl named sarah.. it took a sec, but i recognized the drawing and remembered.

I WAS IN SHOCK IT WAS A LITTLE BIRTHDAY DRAWING I DREW FOR THIS GIRL LIKE YEARSSSSSSS AGO?

she said she really loved it sm, kept it for years, and that i was super nice.

OKAY LIKE I CANT BELIEVE SHE KNOWS THAT ONE OF MY FRIENDS FIRSTLY. BUT SECONDLY WHAT?? LIKE IM JUST FROZEN WITH JOY SHE KEPT MY DRAWING FOR YEARS? not a rip in sight…

its just SO encouraging and so so idek im just so happy.

then to end it off, the artist WHO WAS MY MOST LISTENED TO ARTIST OF 2024 WITH 2,000+ MINUTES OF LISTENING??? SAID SHE WOULD POST MY SKETCHBOOK SPREAD (inspired by her music) ON HER STORY WHEN I FINISHED IT?

i

i love you God so much.

just i was feeling so down this past idek month or more because i just have such idek its just so much things happen to me and i just have to go along with it and not let it phase me. i feel so much emotions but none of them bring me down yknow? like i have to be happy and i dont FEEL happy…

but this.

this week makes me feel like God loves me and all of these things happened because of Him. I love him and I love all my friends, I really do love all of you guys.

some of you guys DOO get on my nerves, some of you guys ARE confusing, some of you guys are kinda weird, and i do feel like i love some of you more then you love me.. but in the end you guys are my friends. i love you guys.

and i love you God. I love you for everything you do and I dont know why you love me but I’m sososo happy you do. no one will ever love me like you do. thank you for always being there for me. i love you.

and so we end this. i KNOW that ill cry bc of sadness again (probably in the near future ngl) and I KNOWW that this happy feeling wont last. but for right now im gonna treasure it… please ANDDD thank you.

happy birthday to me.