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nighttimepixels · 3 years

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TALK TO US ABOUT MASS EFFECT I HAVE BEEN AN INSANE MASS EFFECT/SHAKARIAN TRASH PERSON SINCE 20-FUCKING-11 AND LEMME TELL YOU THOSE FEELINGS HAVENOT TARNISHED A SINGLE FRACTION IN THOSE TEN YEARS OH MY GOOOOOOODDDSSSS!!!!!!!

I DEMAND A PLAY-BY-PLAY UP TO THE MINUTE OF YOUR REACTIONS TO EVERYTHING!!!!

you are so valid and I totally see why everyone I've ever mentioned it to loves the hell out of it

aksdjlsdfj I meannnn if you want to hear my rambling about it then hell yeah

Okay, gonna put this below the cut to save everyone else XD also- since I'm not leaving this Mass Effect obsession anytime soon, if you're not interested in seeing occasional posts about it, please feel free to block the tag "night plays ME"~

(mild spoilers ahead??)

((also for real I mean it when I say this is rambling as hell lol, apologies and no stress if absolute no one reads all this))

OKAY SO Mass Effect 1-

Stars help me, I was honestly hooked right from the start?? Like even in Legendary Edition (the combined trilogy just re-released in one "can play it on one system + minor improvements", for anyone who doesn't know) where it's smoothed out, of course it's obvious that ME1 is a decade old... but the foundation for these relationships are all there and gods I love them already.

Like - Kaiden right off the top is a delightful good fightin lad, what the hell. I've heard that he's viewed as 'bland' by a good portion of the fan community but I dunno, he's a delight and even more complex by the time 2 rolls around and you encounter him on Horizon, it was honestly Ashley I was way more meh about - mostly because before you can learn about her family history/etc, she comes off as hella xenophobic and I was immediately offended for my growing space family that she didn't like/trust all the aliens around, pfff.

(she gets redeemed a bit through further actions/evolving thoughts, but I thought in retrospect it was a bummer that they didn't flip the order there, give her a chance to be liked before the complicating factor of being so rude about aliens >:c that then she could grow from... ah well. Apparently she has a good arc but uh, let's just say I chose Kaiden at the "key junction" in the latter part of the game so I won't be seeing anymore of Ashley uh... anytime soon, haha.)

Garrus??? Is??????? The ABSOLUTE best???????????

I liked him from the start, I'm always a bit of a sucker for a rogue-detective "the system won't bring this bastard to justice, so I've got to" type and all their moral shadiness XD But he just gets better, honestly, and where I'm at in ME2 (right before the Reaper IFF mission, as of typing this, with everyone's loyalty!) I am only digging myself deeper into this hole-

-*wheezing* okay anyways -

Wrex is AMAZING I love fightin' middle-aged krogan bastard, gods. Liara is great too, I'm a sucker for a wlw relationship (playing fem!Shepard, so) - buuuut I'll admit she's a bit more one-note in ME1. Last week while I was still on ME1 I remember hearing (while trying to dodge spoilers) that her arc is really good, though. I think they leaned a little hard on the 'innocent but sexy' sterteotype on her (so despite the yikes aspect of a few of the things I've learned in ME2, lol, I actually really like the complexity that's been added to her character.)

Saved Liara first, so by the time I got to Noveria and had the standoff with Benezia there was the chance to have emotions over Liara having to face her TwT and of course, I made the questionable but quality decision to free Queen Rachni heheh. no ragrets

More than a blow-by-blow of my choices though I totally wanna take the chance to say that even in the mild jankiness of ME1 (goddammit, the Mako.... please..... please just go up this impossible cliff I just want to resource hunt-) the way that the lore, both obvious/key to main plot and the lesser/filler/background/world-building kinds... I just love it. It incorporates it well, you can go ham in the codex learning more, or just dive into the basics - it's clearly a complex galaxy (and they do an even better job in 2 of fleshing it out further), and it never really felt overwhelming. It was pretty natural figuring it all out-!

Plus the interesting implications of resource hunting amongst the sapient races, and the little side missions you better bet I did every one of- there's so much rich depth in the story if you do 'em!! (And that lead with that Keeper side mission...? Looking back, damn, clever foreshadowing-!!!)

And oh my gods, Ilios??? hell yeah. I loved that mission so much, especially having Garrus & Kaiden with me when talking to the hologram/computer, and more than anything, that last sprint in the Mako trying to get to the jump before it closed-???

yeet the boi-

Also mannn I love a good setpiece, and having to go up the side of the elevator, space-side?? such a cool setup!!

Plus it felt good having been Paragon enough (as simple as the good v bad vibe system is, I don't hate it, lol) to avoid one of the Saren fights, ngl. And the er, "second fight" with Sovereign-Saren.... hell yeah

... I'll admit I had to double check my choice re whether to save the Council. I did in the end, but I swear, sometimes the way they phrase things I'm like ".... okay but Garrus is right, defeating Sovereign is more important than these few leaders??????" woops. Listen, priorities, is all I'm saying..... (￣ヮ￣|||)ゞ

'Course later they emphasize (in ME2) that there were 10,000 people on that same ship and I was like well I wouldn't have second guessed if I'd known that, I mean c'mon-

Also I did indeed romance Liara in this one, so I got that scene ;Dc But,,,, I also knew by the end that I was totally gonna romance Garrus in 2 since he's an option then finally,,,,, lemme tell you the guilt as I waffled over whether to romance Liara bc of it. hahaha.

Aaaaand Mass Effect 2-

So I'm only up to right before the Reaper IFF Mission, so I don't know the ending, etc etc lol. That said, I've just finished every side mission I've found with the exception of the Shadowbroker Quest and the Arrival Quest (I've heard the latter basically leads into ME3, and the former is best either right before the Omega 4 jump or in postgame).

So from the start - fuck yeah fuck yeah what a high adrenaline start Shepard noooooo but also yes save Joker aH-

The motion comic too hot damn nice job

I loved this setup, seriously - especially forcing Shep into this situation, having to work with/for Cerberus, and the compelling reasoning given behind "why" they do what they do (I especially found it a good point that the Salarians have the Task Force, the Asaris the Commandos, the Turians the- etc... like, true, when you put it like that, having a similar group advancing human interests/solving human interstellar problems is pretty reasonable...). That said, I love too that it really isn't shied away from how Cerberus is nonetheless fucked up - or its at least done fucked up stuff.

Listen, I still think some messed up stuff is gonna be revealed in 2's endgame......... after that Horizon mission and the Collector's ship???? TIM I SEE YOU YOU SHADY MF-

aaanyways lol...

I'm so so glad on a gameplay level they nixed the Mako style exploration. A few Hammerhead missions are fine and a lot more focused than the slippery ass navigation in that glorified ATV, pfff. The probes are a neat way of getting after similar resources - and more importantly, having good levels and some good hubs (the Zakera Wards, Omega, Ilium, etc) is way way more fun than having a more 'sprawling' space that is.... a lot of empty nonsense, lol.

Then there's the fact that we get Joker right off the bat and you can interact with him so much - and him and EDI??? Get out gods I love them. Kasumi is so right when she says they sound like a bickering old married couple lol. I have a terrible feeling that some shit is gonna happen with EDI..... but I don't think she's evil as-is, at least.

Side-eying the hell out of those "access forbidden" parts of her that she doesn't even know.... and the fact that her AI core has a locked door access................... something's gonna happen gdi LEAVE OUR ADOPTED AI ALONE.

(Also Joker pls stop fracturing your thumb on the mute button)

Also please save me there are so many hot aliens in this game,,,,, the xeno/monsterfuckers really comin' through strong in the sequels............... doin' the lord's work........................................

In general, I love how many levels ME stepped up in two with complexity and interwoven narratives!! Like, to the point it'd be almost a drag to replay ME1, even though it was fun going through it (if occasionally a bit tedious with the cookie cutter rando planet science/mine facilities, lol). Like, just from how fun and interesting ME2 is, mostly! more of all the pre-introduced races, plus new ones, plus more filling in of intragalactic politics, and more interesting implications of all these space-faring races mixing....

Also gods WREX and his planet holy shit,,,,, fuckin' hell yeah my man get their shit together and also adopt Grunt yes good-

And Mordin??? My singing semi-evil scientist best friend forced to confront his choices more than he thought he ever would have???? With some of the best ongoing general report chatter of all the companions??

(when I tell you I choked on my coffee when I talked to him after confirming romance choice w/ Garrus and that 'pamphlet' and 'anaphalactic shot if ingesting-' kajsldkfjsldfjk)

Like, fuck, the fact that they actually dive into the mixed morality and horrors of the genophage, and you can confront Mordin on it, for good reason, yet he still stands his ground, until finally some bits of his loyalty mission seem to... affect him, and I'm guessing might set up things for 3 with him? Unsure, but either way, damn, the fact that they start to dig into it...

And Taliiiii my beloved forbidden alien wife TwT her loyalty mission was SO GOOD. I love how varied they all are?? Getting to defend her and discover what she'd unwittingly been a part of-!!

Zaeed is a bastard but tbh I love that he is and that he's unapologetic in him - and Kasumi omg, best thief. A heist?? Gods, yes- I love our couch lounge chats XD

Samara is..... illegally.......... she's an illegally powerful and beautiful and eloquent MILF...........................

(.... listen I'm sapphic as hell and I'm kicking my own ass for picking her up last aksjdlfksjdfl - but her loyalty mission, damn. And seeing how there's this interesting cultural subset, and the struggle with the Asari in that they unquestioningly accept/respect justicars, but also know that the impact outside their culture is a diplomacy nightmare waiting to happen-)

,.,,,,,T,,, Thane,,,,,

I am weak for morally implicated murder dads okay?? And that voice??? His mannerisms?????? How you first see him, and that prayer after assassinating her...???????? And his history/his people's history with the hanar, gods I love how messy it is, it feels so much more real!

Also Jack is a mess and I love her (and want to get her some therapy, omg), and her and Miranda nearly duking it out after you've done both their loyalty missions??? so good and makes a lot of sense-! Honestly I would love more interactions between teammates on the ship, but there's already so much the devs had to balance I can't blame 'em for minimizing, heh. But suffice to say I also love Miranda and Jacob, even if I'm softest for my alien crew XD Hell yeah Jacob, we'll get loud and spill drinks on the citadel indeed TwT

.... I could write a whole essay on how much I love Garrus oTL Perhaps because he and Tali are the throughlines from 1 on your 2 crew, I have some of the strongest feelings about them... but genuinely, he was one of my favorite companions in the first game, and how you find him as Archangel in two? Getting to help him fight his way out after he's gone nearly 48 hours straight fighting off three gangs alone, jfc. His vengeance quest and what can happen there.... That line? fuck me, that line -

It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Grey? I don't know what to do with gray...

How DARE you come for my heart like this, devs holy shit

(also, some other choice faves so far from the series from him include We can disobey suicidal orders?? and This wasn't in my training manual... [in 1, if you have him with you @ th Thorian fight] and his whole.... pop the heat sink - in his romance ;Dc)

asdasdfksadjfkl like I said I can write an essay on him PFFF suffice to say I'm very looking forward to his romance scene and where things go in 3

But yeah gods I'm just gonna keep rambling if I'm not careful lol. Gods I don't even know what to talk about it's all so good and while I can understand people roasting the obviousness of Paragon V Renegade (v neutral) choices/alignments, I think they do a pretty damn good job in 2 of pushing it further - to the point that there were some times that I accidentally got renegade points and I wasn't that mad, haha. There's so much fun in the interactions that I just have a good time anyways~

I have so many thoughts about TIM (The Illusive Man) and Cerberus.... theories evolving galore............... and like, what the hell!! Omega 4 going to the center of the galaxy is such a cool twist, goddamn - though my heart still breaks at losing Kaiden (his line if you haven't romanced him?? about feeling like he lost a limb when he lost you??? holy shit.... but I also can't blame him for not trusting Cerberus to the point of it affecting his ability to trust Shepard... like fuck Shep go after himmmm) I'm really excited to see where that goes since he comes back in 3, and what the fuck happens with Cerberus bc while I love the fact that obviously there are a lot of people in it for the right reasons, doing good work, there are those that are doing the opposite, and I have a very bad feeling about where TIM will end up landing....

All that said though I need to do the Reaper IFF mission (where I'm lightly spoiled as to getting That Boy, but not how/what happens to make it so - just that it's apparently wise to have all your side missions done before getting him...) and the actual Omega 4 jump. So we'll see what happens and what I think about it from there heheh!

.... major kudos and genuine props if you made it here to the end, I am so sorry for not editing on condensing all this, and appreciate you so much ;w;

#night answers #night plays ME #(yes that's a purposeful pun lol)#((i sure have played myself by starting this series its so good aksdjflskjfd))

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teaboot · 4 years

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Hey I just wanted to ask you something I don't know if its personal so maybe I'll start with me, my psychiatrist told me that I have asperger's syndrome and like my mom keeps asking me like what does that means because I think she sees people with autism as stupid and I'm at the top of my class so she feels like it's a mistake, I personally go mute for months sometimes except for like oral tests, and idk I forget about having a body and so I hit onto walls when I'm focused on something but *

"...*is not so exaggerated like I'm pretty functional I just forget that there are walls and doors and that I can't just transport me to the other room or so,I mean I feel like I'm just trying to find what my "weird or autistic" traits are to justify the diagnosis,I didn't asked my psychiatrist to elaborate on that and so I was wondering, what would you say that your autistic traits are?Also just in case,I know that autistic people can be hella smart and I think that you are really wise I admire you"

Thank you so much, that's very sweet of you to say!

Honestly, I'm sort of in a similar situation- My parents' reaction was to say, "you're too smart to be autistic" or, "Everyone of ~your intelligence~ is a little weird in the head, anyways", and then. Expect me to live up to all the positive stereotypes without ever getting bogged down by the negative realities?

This might not be very helpful at all of me to say, but as an adult who grew up in a rather unpleasant environment, there really isn't much help for a number of things except getting old and independant enough to move out, and then just accepting that their perception of reality isn't open to negotiation. You can try debating it, or meeting them on common ground with scientific basis, but in my case....

....well. There's just some things I now know not to talk about at family gatherings.

I'm sorry, I know that's probably not very helpful or heartening to hear.

As for my personal grab bag of symptoms? I tend to hyperfocus on personal projects. When I'm really invested in an art piece, I often forget to eat or sleep or drink, and the only way I've learned to snap out of that is that if my hands are shaking or I'm falling over a lot, I probably need to eat something and lay down for a while, because otherwise- and yeah, not the healthiest motivator- otherwise I might start fucking up my hard work.

I also get overwhelmed by overlapping noises- if two people are talking at once, even if one is on a radio or TV show, I can't hear either of them and it stresses the shit out of me. White noise, like in malls or assemblies, also tends to burn my energy pretty fast.

Things like leaf blowers, people whistling indoors, and emergency sirens are physically painful. Repetitive noises like a bouncing rubber ball, sniffling, dogs licking things, and low-frequency vibrations from massage chairs, earthquakes, distant bass music, and some fluorescent lighting systems are impossible to ignore, which ranges from irritating to distressing, depending on my headspace du jour.

I hate bland food with a passion. It tends to make me nauseaus. I like lots of spice, lots of sugar, lots of sour and hot and acidic. I love strong flavours, and if I'm cooking for friends and family I often have to remind myself to tone down the seasonings for them.

Some textures make me genuinely ill, too- most types of meat, fat, and other animal bits result in.... Bad times for all. Polyester towels suck ass. Microfiber cloth. Thick cotton knit material. Any fabric covering my forearms. Thin, elastic denim. Vinyl. Polar fleece.

On the flip side, I looooove woven cotton blankets. Cotton sheets, cotton bedding- cold, heavy duvets are good, too. Acrylic, so long as it doesn't get damp. I have.... Perhaps a little bit of a problem here, as I do... Maybe, possibly, get a little impulsive with buying rugs, throws, and blankets when I come across one that feels right.

All my cups and bowls are handmade out of clay. I'm OK with smooth ceramics, but stoneware feels happy in my hands. I think of it as a treat, like packing a bit of chocolate with my lunch, or eating a whole bag of popcorn by myself. Again, I.... May go a little overboard when I come across A nice-feeling piece of dishware.

Basically, from what I understand, a lot of folks on the spectrum are under and over stimulated by various sensory inputs.

Me, I gravitate towards taste, inertia, tactile sensation, temperature, and dark lighting, while I find myself avoiding, limiting, or minimizing sound, light, color, oral texture, and smell.

As for more stereotyped behaviors, I find organizing things such as legal documents, filing cabinets, paint swatches, hardware, coins, stones, or colors to be very soothing and almost meditative. I go through special interests fairly often, and have been 'into' things like animals, insects, natural history, and art since before I could walk. I can't explain why they're such alluring subjects, they just make me happy.

I didn't realize until recently that I do stim, as well- I rock, sway, growl, swish water around, hang upside-down, rotate my thumbs, rub fabric, twirl coins, and flex my hands. I also (rarely) seem compelled to jump up and down in circles very fast when I'm particularly excited, or flap my arms against my sides like a penguin.

When I'm overstimulated, I go.... I'm not sure if you could call it 'nonverbal'. I get the feeling I COULD speak, it's just.... Overwhelmingly difficult. Usually I find a dark space or a corner away from people, put a coat or something over my head, cover my ears, close my eyes... Sometimes deliberate eye contact is hard, or I can't say more than one or two words at a time, or I find myself relying more on a hum or a grunt to communicate that I'm listening.

It... Probably all sounds weird to a neurotypical who may be reading, but I'm perfectly happy with myself as I am. I wouldn't change it if I could, except perhaps to minimize some of the more irritating things.

Mostly, my biggest peeve is being treated like a cool new pet or accessory. "Oh, this is my person with Autism- they're great at cleaning, you should get one!"- yeah, that can fuck right off. I'm right here, I can hear you, I'm a person. A little respect goes a long way.

But, whoops, here I've gone on a ramble- you want the best advice I have, though? Become comfortable with the person you are. Accept and seek out what things bring you happiness. Don't get hung up on the negatives. Love your experience, if you can, and don't worry about validating anything- you are who you are, and the words we use to explain ourselves fall so, so short when faced with the complexity of our individual existence.

The way I see it, the day before your diagnosis is the same as today, you just have one more tool to understand yourself with. The decision of how and if you choose to explain this to those around you is entirely yours to decide!

I know this kind of went off the rail of your question. My answers are a little limited. I hope I could help anyways! Good luck!!

#Long post #teaboot

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httpsgfg · 3 years

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happy 9 months to this bad bitch!!

it's sappy o'clock look away

yeah yeah another one of these

look, i won’t drone on about how shit this year has been we’re all well aware and past that. what i want to focus on is the joy and refuge that i have found here thanks to this album. i don’t think i have ever been this surprised and taken aback by an album before? in the best way possible. i was a casual listener at best, a local if you will. i knew the Hits i just never felt the urge to dive in...but that all changed as soon as i heard red desert. genuine and utter shock? no words to describe it really. i went down the youtube rabbit hole and well i’m a wholeass clown now. i don’t really contribute anything as i can’t edit, i don’t write, i never planned on immersing myself in the fandom per se. i thought i’d just come here to reblog pretty moving pictures and talk to myself in the tags, i had no idea i’d meet such kind and wonderful people and actually make friends? i’ve been in and out of So Many fandoms and never really found that sense of belonging to a community like i have here.

everyone i have come across has been so caring and kind and friendly. i appreciate the effort and love you put into each gifset and edit, every chapter written, memes and all. moreover, i have watched you all support each other through this difficult year and all the shitty hands we’ve been dealt and i couldn’t be more proud of each and every single one of you. simply for being here. know that my inbox is anon friendly and always open. keep on keeping on, i love you!! @karajaynetoday @kindahoping4forever @ashtcnirwin @blackbutterfliescal @cakelftv @mukeaf @mikeycliffords @bandsanitizer @calmfolklore @notinthesameguey @twilightmomentswithyou @ghost-of-you @ashesonthefloor @devilatmydoor @tekweela @ashtonsunshine @afterlows @sexgodashton and a few more words to those of you who made the effort to talk to me bc god forbid i do something first @clumsyclifford bella!! you were the first one to reach out and welcome me here and i will never forget that. thank you for bringing nothing but positive vibes on the dash, and thank you for creating the club and extending me an invitation that i’m still too much of a wuss to accept. discord and group chats can be overwhelming and i’d just end up lurking but i appreciate it sm♥ @rebelwith0utacause ana, my yugosos partner in crime!! where do i even begin? knowing there’s someone else from around here has made me feel right at home; thank you for the laughs, your cool older sis vibes, and everything else in between!! i am proud of you for kicking rona’s ass, working so hard, and being such a good pup mom and carer for mocha ♥живе биле велике порасле, ве сакам♥ @compulsiveidiota gigi my love. thank you. i enjoy our music talks immensely, not to mention yelling at each other during random michael/luke/muke photos spam sessions. please keep them coming. keep on bowling, barking, biting mean people, and being awesome♥

@wheniminouterspace shal. my fav crying-to-mitski pal. i hope you’re catching some zzzs rn and i can’t wait to see you wake up to new luke content!!!!!! also wayf supremacy!! had to put that out there. thank you for our always chaotic chats i enjoy them endlessly. i love youuu♥

@redrattlers em!!! i am still so amazed at how much our music/tv show/movie tastes match i could cry. the shared brain cell is strong in this one. i just know we would be the best of friends if only we knew each other irl too thank you for helping me spread the nbt agenda here. for sharing such good music with me. for listening to my playlists? just for being rad as hell. i love your edits, i love your energy, i love having you as a firend, i love you♥

@lifewasradical amanda!! i am so incredibly proud of you and everything that you have accomplished this year!! congrats once again on getting your masters in the middle of this mess. balancing school and work and just life in general and still finding time to come here and be your lovely self, i appreciate it a lot. all my love to you and endi♥

@himbocalum hi nat!! i remember we started talking thanks to a music ask thingy and me just calling you nat right away as if we’ve known each other forever bc it felt too formal to use your full name shfjlsd. it is always a pleasure to see you on my dash sending plenty of calum content my way. still blows my mind you sat down and listened to a wholeass album bc i wouldn’t stop talking about it. and then checked out the other albums too. and indulged me and let me talk your ear off about them. thank you, i love you and i still chuckle every time i see your url. iconic♥

@kaleidoscopeminds meg. meg meg meg. i remember saying i’d name my firstborn after you/your url and i stand by that. you having a blog with this gorgeous lover of mine line is quite fitting. thank you for the constant supply of quality content be that relatable text posts, stunning gifsets, dead on moodboards.......[i am still not over the one you made for me tyvm] just thank you. for being you. please don’t hog all the talent. i love you♥

@calumsthood san. i am so sorry you had to scroll past all of that^ but i wanted to end this with you. CEO of squish content. i can’t tell you how much i enjoy seeing you lose your marbles over chaotic aussies. even the one i only know about thanks to you. please stop calling your crispee hq gifs/edits garbage. i am no longer asking. thank you for blessing us with on the record footage that you got from music dot apple dot com. for letting me drag you back into nbt. bless you. keep sharing photos of your adorable dog!!!!! i love you that is all♥

#if anyone is in touch with jbhmalum em please send my love!!!!!!#the way this was supposed to go out way earlier but mr hemmings DERAILED me sorry #pretend this was posted on the 27th ok #yes i'm the plague rat who brought the broke!sos thing on here and somehow stuck around #honestly if we have Ever interacted in any way i love you i have so much love for all of you #you made this year so much better and i have rambled on for far too long now bye #x #it's emo hours #this was so hard i suck at expressing my feelings i will just. yell at you in the tags and send you cursed memes #NOT TUMBLR DOT COM CRASHING AS I WAS ABOUT TO POST THIS WHY DO YOU HATE ME #never doing this again bye

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rebelcap · 4 years

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We are not just friends —Part 13

Chris Evans x bi!latina!character (Sofia is a people of color, she's brown.)

Chris and Sofia meet when their best friends started dating, it all started at friends with loads of bumps on the road.

Warnings: drinking, smoking, drug use (weed), assault, Chris being Steve Rogers, commitment issues, my girl Sofia kinda messy, lots of fucking (eventually)

This is slow burn at its best, at least emotionally.

Series masterlist

Quiet. Sofia was been awfully quiet for the those two days, Chris had tried to contact her even had gone to her place before he went back to LA. she was nowhere to be found and had purposefully left her phone back at her place.

"What happened?" Mandy asked and Chris just felt guilty.

"I cornered her to tell me shit, you know Sofia."

"Ah, shit," Amanda said as she was holding Sofia's phone. She could see all the missed calls from Chris. "Just, give her some time man. She needs time to cool off."

"Yeah, I guess." He sighed and sat down on the couch. "You know where she might be?"

"Not really, she's like my sister but when she's like this, she likes to be left alone. She'll come around,"

"I'm just worried," Chris tell her.

"I know," Mandy sat down beside her.

"Well keep an eye on her, bro. Don't worry," Luke said putting a hand on his shoulder. Amanda had to ask because this was her sister.

"You serious about her?" She asked, "because she had been having serious doubts about it, not going to explain the whole thing because that's between you two. But, I need you to be super honest with me because she's my family and I can let you use her."

"Yeah, Mandy," He said looking down at his hands. "I'm falling in love with her, fuck. I think I'm already in love with her," His eyes gloss over. "I don't want to hurt her but she keeps pushing me away. "

"Loving Sofia is tough, she's worth it because her heart is made of fucking gold."

"Yeah, I know," Chris explained and Mandy wraps one arm around his and laid her head on his shoulder, comforting him. "I feel like she doesn't trust me enough or don't feel safe enough and fucking breaks my heart. I wanna be there for her and she doesn't let me." Chris put a hand on his face, he was feeling useless, rejected, and heartbroken.

"Yeah, that's her, not letting people in all the way… but she cares about you, a lot. Because I know her like the back of my hand." Amanda said rubbing his back and Chris sniffle nodding. "All that I can say is that just give her some time, let her process it for a while. Just keep reaching out to her, let her know what you just said to me," Chris nod and took it to heart.

She did reach out eventually, four days later with a text.

Hey, Chris… I'm sorry I lash out. I don't wanna be trouble for you and I'm most definitely not worth it, I don't wanna slow you down with my bullshit. Just, I'm sorry. Take care, sweet face.

Sof, can I call you?

I don't wanna talk, Chris. I'm giving you a way out men, no hard feelings but it's better if we are friends, if you're cool with it.

Chris was between filming and was about to be called to set. "Fuck, fuck." He muttered and quickly typed on his phone.

I'm about to head to set but, please. Please let me call you after, I can't end this like this.

It's better this way, good luck with filming.

There was a knock in his trailer and he had to leave," Fuck. "

~~~

It's been two whole months, Sofia was been quiet about the whole thing. She was excited for Mandy's baby, her engagement, and the cookout with all their families at Amanda home. Everything was going so well around her, that sometimes she couldn't keep up and had been isolated herself.

In those moments she was sitting on the couch looking at everything is when it hit her, hard. How much she missed Chris. His company, his stupid jokes unknowingly help her out when this happened.

"Why the face? my sweet girl." Amanda's mom, Alice, sat down beside her and she just smiles.

"I'm just looking at everything, I'm so happy ma," Sofia said holding down her tears, forcing out a smile but Alice saw through her.

"I know there's a lot of changes coming up, I know this affects you," She said and Sofia broke down. "we always love you, Sofia. You're like my daughter, the only one that's always been here firm by our side,"

"I know, ma. And I thank you for this, you and Tony helped me change my life around. I'm gonna be forever grateful with you for that, it's just hard sometimes." She sobbed and quickly wipe her tears.

"I know, sweetheart. I know," She wraps and around her and hold her close. "I know that you let go of someone important too,"

"Ma, come on," She sniffles. "It's better that way, too much trouble. Look at me, I'm crying because my best friend it's finally forming a beautiful family and I'm scared to be left out, I mean who does that?" She shrugged and bite her lip. "I'm a mess, Chris doesn't need that."

"If he's men enough he's going to love you through all this, you're not a mess. You're a brilliant woman, don't sell yourself short." Alice wipes the tears from her face. "And nobody it's leaving you out. We are your family,"

Sofía managed to smile.

"Thank you, ma."

~~~

"Hey, thanks for inviting me here tonight, I really needed this," Sofia said holding out her drink as he smiles at Scott, who had invited her along with his friends gay night out. "I haven't been too much invested in the community and everyone I know is straight," She laughed.

"Tell me about it, the only gay kid on the family. I got you, honey. We are so going to hang out more every time I'm here," Scott said and she smiles.

Scott, it's a great and welcome addition to Sofia little tight circle of friends, downside it's that all she was thinking is Chris, Chris, and Chris.

" You can ask, I know you're dying to ask me about it. " She said after a while and Scott almost fell over his chair and she was laughing her ass off.

"Okay so, you broke my brother's heart," Scott said nonchalantly

"What?" Sofia almost chokes on her drink.

"Witch it's been a while, like a whole decade since someone does that, and I know you're super rad. And I can see why he's all over that," He said panning out her with his hand. "why he's in love with you."

"What!?" Sofia felt her stomach twist in knots as Scott talked about that. Fuck, in love? "What the fuck? is he insane? all the girls and he—ugh, he's an idiot."

"Yeah, probably," Scott laughed. "Come on, you're a pretty charming girl, independent, actually don't give a shit about who he is, you love Chris, the Boston idiot Chris not the Hollywood Chris, you see him for who he is—

"Yeah, an idiot. He's in love with me? Jesus Christ."

"And that way he loves you, you're the first woman ever, since weirdo Jessica Biel,"

"I read she's an anti-baxxer?"

"I know right, fucking dodge a bullet there. Besides her being a cheater—

" Did she cheat on my boy Chris? "

" With fucking Justin Timberlake. "

" Ew, "

" Totally, anyways, " He waves a handoff and looked at her." You two need to talk."

" We did, I told him that it was better this way, which it is. Because as you can see I am a mess walking. I was falling for him, pretty hard and fast… "

" Well, he had been in love with you quite a while, my mother loves you by the way and so my sisters,"

" He speaks about me? "

" All the time, when those pictures of you and him leak out he was freaking out, worried about you and your privacy but you keep saying that it was okay, "

"Because it is, Scott. At first, it was a little overwhelmed, people mostly said nice things and people gonna hate. Chris is totally worth whatever they're gonna say. " Sofia explained and drank the rest of her beer. " I don't care, let them talk."

"Girl, you care about him," Scott said and lean on her making her laugh. "You two made me sad,"

"It's me, I swear it's me," Sofia said groaning and flank the bartender. "I'm the stupid one, fuck." She ordered them a couple of shots. "I fucked up, but he deserves better than my stupid ass."

"Hey, I don't know you that well," Scott said and she looked at him. "but I like you, I do think you're good for my brother. You two just need to work it up,"

"It's not that easy," Sofia said downing the shots on one go.

~~~~

I'm sad now

Tag list:

@smediumsmeatbae

@lunaticbarnes

@firstangeldragonranch

@lovepeacefood

@thegirlwithpaperheart

#chris evans #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x y/n #chris evans x female reader #chris evans x latina!#chris evans x poc!reader #chris evans fluff #chris evans x ofc #chris evans x reader #Chris Evans x brown reader #chris evans x original female character #Chris Evans angst

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mindwideopen · 4 years

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Well, I’m not hungry. Fine, don’t eat. Yeah, ok, well, I’m not into your ways. Ok, then don’t be that way. Fine! I won’t! And don’t bother talking to me about it, cause I don’t like what you have to say. Alright, then don’t listen. Yeah! Well, I’m not into your beliefs. They’re ass! Great. Then by all means, don’t believe them. One more thing, I’m not into your…. fach! That’s ok too, cause you’re not looking at my fach. You’re looking at my ass, walking away from this conversation. Scene.

This, isn’t me. I’m not a cat, I’m a human being. I’m afraid to be me sometimes. Read on below if you’d like.

Choice, is focus. What you feel, think and do, are indicative of your beliefs. What you believe about an individual will color their communication with you. What they say, may or may not be received as it may have been intended. Your thoughts, are your compass to your navigation through your relationships, and your life. The rhetoric you recite, either heightens fear, or love. The choice to speak your mind, is a necessary thing, for your own support foundation. But what you speak, is what you believe. If you believe people hate you, and the world is ass, you will find every indication to that belief in your daily life. The universe, god, love, however you define it, supports your beliefs, no matter what they are. You will see indications of your beliefs everywhere you go, and in everyone you meet. Love, is there, if you are open to seeing it.

I am not a dog, but sometimes I wish I were...

I, am a fearful person. I hide, from humanity, because I find some mean, and callus. And I have been seeing that, my entire life. I have a loving family, and life. But my underlying fears, prohibit me from seeing people as they truly are sometimes. I don’t trust, I run, I shelter, because of my beliefs. People are not all great, but, I have labeled them all, unworthy of knowing who I am, because of a few really hurtful experiences.

Love isn’t the only reason why we live. We are here, to experience contrast to love, so that we can be more clear about our intention. And loving is the choice we can make, to feel better. Gone. I am. I’m not on social media pretty much anymore. The me that I allowed to be seen? Not appreciated by most I encountered. So, I run. And I allow no one in. The ass of me, is the only memory I feel people have, so my past is haunted, by everyone that’s no longer in my life.

Memories are what you make them. Situations are not always clouded by sunshine and lollipops. Love is not an easy thing to recall if people are clouded by hurt. So, the people that I remember, are the ones that remind me of love. The ones who make me laugh, the ones who teach me, that life is what I decide it can be in the moment. The ones who cared enough to be themselves, and brave enough to show it. The ones who make me laugh, and the ones who show me love. Me. The me I am, does that for myself everyday now. I choose it, because I care about how I feel. And I am a person, who decides to show love now, to people who refuse my love, or reject it, or, ignore it. The ones, that I have decided, are not worthy of me. Humanity. Not really a great way to be a part of the whole. So, now I’m stuck with a problem. How do I rejoin society, after shunning it over and over again, from my beliefs and fears? I’m still working that out.

I am sometimes, skiddish, like a bunny rabbit.

The other day I decided that people who are mean, are orange. Orange is not a color your born with, it’s a color one can choose to be. Orange, isn’t the most flattering, because it isn’t natural. Love, is.

I spoke to a guy I love, a friend, who loves people. He is from another country. He told me that people who are mean, are powdered blue. Well, I was amazed. People of all colors, are mean. People of all colors, are good. People of all races, genders, and orientations are both. The choice to keep reinvesting in life, is ours. Fear, holds us back from experiencing the freedom, of love. The “not fear”. The not afraid of other people, and what they may or may not do to or for us. People find reasons to hate. Good reasons, to them. All people, aren’t the same. People find reasons to love too. People, like the ones I love, are both. They talk a great game. Love is where it’s at! Yes, and so is fear. That person, again, is me. I decide. I’m the only one th at can choose to make myself calm and comfortable, or completely pissed off and angry, or hurt and alone. I decide. I do it all, in my thoughts. In my words. In how I treat people. In how I train myself to think and behave everyday. So, I’ve decided, to be more positive.

How? How do you decide and truly follow through with being positive? It’s a process. The process, is every choice we make daily, to support love. That also includes you. As mundane and as ridiculous as it may sound, the lame, daily choices, are also love and fear. Did I eat breakfast today? No. I’m too fat. Ok, starve. Good idea. Yes. The love? Not there. That compounds itself. I’m ornery cause I haven’t eaten. My son, is being himself. A crazy excitable 9 ¾ year old. “Stop being yourself! It’s irritating me!” Ok, a dumb example? Maybe. But that’s life. And those little choices, feeds into bigger issues. Issues we all face daily, and decide on, depending on our moods, our environments, our peer groups, our lives we’ve lived up til the point we decide. “I hate this race, this creed, this orientation! They are this. I know this to be true! I’ve encountered it daily!”

The love, starts internally, and exits out into the world, with you as its filter. I am fear, as most people today are. I feel out of control, and alone a lot of the time. I feel misunderstood and hurt, and sad. But, I recognize my part in this equation. My part, is the key variable to the answer I desire. That answer, is love. Love, decides to be open, and accepting, and understanding of others. My son, deserves that.

So I open, and I’m vulnerable, and I try again. Life has a funny way of showing you what you think. So please, choose wisely. Because love is either for you, or not, depending on your point of view.

So peace, is important for your daily comfort. And it’s a wonderful thing to feel peace of mind, and body. But love, is something that we all need, from one another. So life, is a balance. I’m not balanced. I’m all peace, but not a lot of people. The last few years, I’ve shut down. No one, was allowed in. The fear, has been overwhelming. Ask anyone. “Have you seen Kari at all over the last 10 years?” Most would say no. I’m not a person who allows the open to overtake me. But I do believe that I can decide differently, when I’m ready. I have decided, that I want to have love in my life, while I’m here to enjoy it. The only way to do that, is to be, open to it. I can’t decide how yet, but I do know, that I’m ready to try. I think, much to my chagrin, that the answer, to openness and vulnerability, is forgiveness.

I’ve heard it said by a seriously wise group of people, that to forgive, doesn’t even exist. Forgiveness is a thing that we focus on, but the focus on the problem, is still all wrapped up in the need to forgive. So the best way to get past the problem? Love. Love supersedes all issues of who’s right, and who’s wrong. Love enables cooperation and support, and kindness and caring for all people and their need to be loved as well. When you love, the actions that feel good to rectify all issues, come pretty easily. It’s called, “inspired action”. So, when the time comes, and I’m inspired to do so, I guess I’ll give that a shot… Everyone deserves to be loved the way they feel comfortable. So I will do my best, to support people, in the way they desire to be supported. I’ve learned the hard way, that not everyone appreciates the point of view I hold. But I also won’t stop loving, because someone else, tells me I should. That’s a boundary I refuse to cross, because I’m the boundary. I’m that one, that decides that love is who I am, and who everyone is, regardless of how they act, or what they say to me. So love, is something not all decide to embrace, but the reason, I do, is for me, and for all who may not get me. I am, love, whether it’s accepted as fact, or not. Belief is a beautiful thing. It affords you the right time define yourself any which way you choose. And I will now choose, to believe what you tell me about you, our of respect for your beliefs. The love I feel now, is unconditional, so the love I receive, doesn’t have to be reciprocated by the one who chooses not to. It’s only, for me. So love, is for whomever chooses it. And I do now, for the good of the whole.

“Oh yeah?!? Say that shit to my face!” “Well, I would if you didn’t block me” “I REFUSE to be your friend!” “I understand, and respect your decision.” “Fuck you, and your love, shit!” “Yes. I’m what you believe I am.”

When you are solid in who you think you are, sometimes when people oppose your beliefs that love turns straight to fear. And it shows up disguised as love to read all the people who hate you. The people you think, hate you, and the people who don’t, the love disgusted as fear, can be honesty. But honesty without love? Not cool. Because it’s people that matter, not being right, and not proving a point. I made that mistake with people I respect and love a lot. Quite a few. But I now decide, to be myself, and allow me, to forgive (cause sometimes the label is necessary) me. I made mistakes. I decided love is more important than people. I won’t make that mistake again. So let’s change the narrative of the last scene, shall we? Here we go: “I can’t go down like this!!!” “Down like what?” “Not loving!” “Ok, lets change it!” “I hate too! Not loving, cause it hurts..” yes” “I hate, not caring!” “Yes!” “Cause it’s painful!” “Preach!” “I hate, not being good to myself! Cause I want to be, for the whole… of me” “and all of the “me”s in the world, thank you. Because the whole of us, is comprised of me’s.” Yeah. Thank me.” “I’m welcome.” “I forgive me.” “All is already forgiven” “I love me.” “I love me too.” “I love you.” Easier, now, to love, because the love has been established already, from within.

Life will present the situations. Our job, is to decide to accept or deny the call to love. Love, is always inviting us to join the party. The party, is life. Be part of the life party. Choose to love people, of all viewpoints. Please join me there. I’ll be the one wearing the rainbow of ALL of us, in her mind.

#love #choose love #lovematters #love yourself #selfleadership #selfawareness #selflove #self reflection #selfworth #selfie #mind wide open #kari keillor #lawofattraction

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royallyprincesslilly · 5 years

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Title: I Love You Two {1}*

Captain America Vs. Superman Sequel

Chris Evans X Reader X Henry Cavill

Warning: Fluff, Plot, MFM Coupling, Lite Smut

Word Count: 3.7K

Note: Guyyyyyyyyys! So, I have not been able to get this out my head. I really wanted it to be one and done but, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I had a “hypothetical” convo with some friends and my brain said hol’ up, hol’ up, hol’ up. 😊 Hope ya’ll can rock with this.

Summary: It was meant to be a one-time thing maybe twice so you could get it out your system, but seven months later and things are still going strong and have transitioned into something much more than any of you could have expected. In a world so hell bent on conventional how can you maneuver this unconventional love you’ve stumbled upon?

Previous Parts:

Captain America Vs Superman 1 | Captain America Vs. Superman 2***

**Loosely edited**

**Loosely Proofread**

~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was insane to think what a difference a few months could make and how drastically our lives could change in such a short period of time. You could be down on your luck one day and completely lost unable to find a way out and bam the next you’re in a completely different situation, one you never imagined. Or one day you could be single only thinking about work and your next step professionally and then the next you’re completely swept up and in love with no care in the world but seeing the source of your affection. Life was unpredictable. That was where you found yourself now, rocking with the unpredictability of life.

You moaned and stretched. Your joints cracked and muscles elongated. It felt as if you’d been in one position for hours. You moaned again and slowly rolled around in the soft coverings that you were wrapped in. You opened your eyes slowly, and the sun was the first thing you saw. You closed your eyes again and slightly shifted before you opened them again. When you did, the sun was obscured by the wood and palm leaf roof that was above your head. You could hear the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and the birds squawking overhead. You took a deep breath in and sighed, loving the scent of coconut, flowers, sea salt, and sunshine. You stretched again and finally sat up. The sheer linen blanket that was wrapped around you pooled around your waist, allowing the cool, dewy glow of the sun to caress your bare breasts.

You slid to the edge of the bed and stood on the wooden planked floor and walked to toward the sheer curtains that encompassed the bed. Standing there you could see to the private beach and the sea it was beautiful. The setting sun illuminated the sea and cast an ethereal beauty in the sky. It looked like a breathtaking painting. You hadn’t taken a real vacation in almost three years, so this was a long-overdue pause from reality. You stood there for several more moments, just enjoying the slow setting sun and the warm breeze.

With a soft, satisfied sigh, you took up the linen blanket and loosely wrapped your naked body. You followed the wooden floors from the outdoor bed you preferred to sleep in on the nights the sky was clear and made it to the main house. As you walked inside, you heard the mellow music and smelled the delicious scents wafting through the air. You followed your nose and the smells to the doorway of the gourmet kitchen and leaned on the door frame and watched the two perfect male specimens move about the kitchen.

They spoke about some soccer game and debated over who scored the best goal. Like always they couldn’t agree. You were surprised they’d lasted this long as friends without some major dispute threatening their bond. They both stood with their backs to you completely unaware of your presence. Chris wore a men’s tank and a pair of swim trunks, and Henry wore a polo shirt and some cargo shorts. You slowly walked into the kitchen, taking effort to ensure your bare feet made no sound at all. As you approached the kitchen island, you zeroed in on the bowl of freshly prepared salad and snuck a ripe, red cherry tomato and popped it into your mouth. You leaned onto the island and continued to watch the only entertainment you’d ever need.

Your eyes slowly traveled down Henry’s body, taking in his full stature. He was built for pleasure; from his broad shoulders and bulging biceps and his trim waist down to his defined but taut ass and not to mention his amazing thighs that looked like they could both give you life and take it all at once. As you continued to snack your eyes turned to Chris. He was built for sin. His tall frame and equally broad shoulders always made you go googly eye. His strong back and impossibly built arms complimented his slim waist and toned ass.

You thought you had a type before both of them and that type was tall, black and fine, but they proved it wrong, now your type was them and none other. You walked around the island to the side they were on and quietly hopped onto it. After a few moments, Chris looked back and was the first to see you. He smiled and turned to give you his full attention. His turn prompted Henry to notice and look back also. When he saw you he smiled and turned to face you as he continued to mix something in a bowl.

“Well look who finally woke up,” Henry stated.

“Finally, how long’s it been? Four hours?”

You snorted at Chris’ exaggeration.

“No, I counted close to five,” Henry responded with his crisp British accent.

“Ha, ha you both are really funny. It was barely three hours.”

They smiled, and both their eyes longingly looked over your barely covered body.

“Who can blame you for being wiped out. Must be hard keeping up with two stallions,” Chris piped. You couldn’t help the loud laugh that escaped your lips.

“Stallions? Oh my god, yes stallions indeed, my two white stallions.”

As you continued to laugh, they both approached you. Henry put the bowl he held to the side and touched the top of your knee while Chris softly grazed your arm. Your laughter slowly died down until you were looking at both of them just openly gawking at your body. Henry toyed with the edges of the linin blanket that rested at your inner upper thigh. His fingers every so often lightly teased your skin sending goosebumps up and down your leg.

Chris trailed his finger up to your collar and flicked the blanket you loosely held over your breasts. You looked to Chris and saw amusement in his cornflower eyes. He slowly licked his lips before he lowered them to your collarbone. You took a deep breath in and looked to henry. He smiled and leaned into you, connecting your lips. He kissed you softly. It wasn’t a kiss of urgency or one meant to lead anywhere; it was a teasing one, a gentle one, one meant to make you show him how much you wanted him. Chris’ lips moved to the space where your neck and shoulder met. You moaned bit down on Henry’s bottom lip forcing a moan from him before he intensified the kiss.

Chris then moved his lips up your neck to your ear where he nibbled, licked and sucked it. God, it felt good. As your tongue danced with Henry’s and Chris’ lips teased your arousal higher. You felt Chris’ fingers trail down your exposed spine awaking new goosebumps and a new desire. His lips moved to your cheek, then your jaw. Sensing his movements, Henry broke the kiss and Chris took over as Henry attached his lips to your neck. He sucked your skin into his mouth and bit down. You groaned loudly and arched your back, feeling an overwhelming need for more. You groaned again and took the lead kissing Chris. In response, he gripped the exposed flesh of your buttock and pulled you closer to the edge of the island. Henry moved his hand from your thigh further up and under the blanket until you felt his soft fingers skim your sex. You moaned again. Henry’s thumb connected with your already pulsating bud then moved it in a circular motion. You bit Chris’ lip and sucked on his tongue. You heard him moan on you right before you felt Henry slip one of his thick digits inside you. You tore your lips from Chris’ and moaned loudly.

“Mmm, wow. This escalated quickly.”

You pulled away from both their touch and hopped off the island. Your knees were weak, and you were wanting.

“Mmm.”

“Where ya’ goin’?” Chris asked, leaning on the counter with a smirk.

“Uh, well ya’ know–,” you trailed off.

Henry sucked the finger that was just inside you and moaned before he spoke.

“Tasty.”

You almost dropped the blanket and bent over the counter, but you knew this was a game of who could seduce who. You crossed your legs and swallowed. They both smiled and walked to you. You leaped back and scurried behind to the other side of the island.

“Running now? Interesting,” Chris began.

“It is isn’t it. Never the mind I like to chase.”

They both made a move to the side of the island you stood. You moved to the opposite side again and around you went once more ending in the same place you began.

“Do you remember those words I said to you when we first got here?”

You pinched your lips because you remembered quite well.

“Nope.”

“Let me refresh your memory. I said be careful, before the end of this vacation you will be running for space,” Henry said. You smiled widely and held firm to the blanket.

“I am not running for space.”

Henry and Chris looked to each other before they both went in opposite directions around the island. You backed away giggling like a child. As they approached, you backed to the doorway holding your hands out in front of you.

“Wait, wait. Hold on.”

“I’m hungry now,” Chris responded.

The butterflies in your gut took flight and made your core clench.

“Jesus. I need a shower. I’m covered in sand, salt, and various other fluids.”

They both looked at each other again. You rolled your eyes; you were getting tired of how they’d gotten so good at nonverbal communication.

“Okay.”

“Ha, I wasn’t asking. You forget I run this,” you cockily informed. Again they glanced at each other and advanced for you. You slinked back and laughed.

“Nope. Shower. You two can stay here and continue cooking for me.”

You winked and turned, making sure to allow the blanket to fall from your body to reveal your skin to them. You felt the heat of their gaze on you as you disappeared down the hall. The last three weeks had been amazing. Paradise was an understatement for this place, and what made it all that more perfect was it was one hundred percent secluded. The three of you’d taken a private jet to the tarmac, then a separate helicopter to get to the charter that brought you to the shore.

After your hedonistic night together, it happened again and again for the entire weekend. Then you all went back to reality. You went to your typical seven to seven, and they each flew out to other work obligations. While you kept in touch, all of you felt that things were different. You didn’t know what and neither of you could put your finger on it, but something was different. They were gone for a month, and during that time you worked, spent time with your family and friends and even went on a date or two. Still, none of them felt like before. The men were attractive, yes, and the conversations were enriching, and everything seemed to go well, but you couldn’t connect. Your mind often wandered to them and what they were doing if they’d met anyone, if they were working themselves raw or if they were hooking up with set assistants or fans, your imagination went wild, and you usually wouldn’t care either way, but now, you cared. None of you talked about it though.

When they came back, everything fell into place. You spent time together as usual, dinner here and there, lunch, movie nights, nothing was forced, and nothing felt weird. It was as if your night of fun was just that. Then one month, when they were away and happened to be in the same city for press, you surprised them. One accidental hello kiss to the both of them sparked the fire you’d felt that night and before any of you could stop you were naked, sweaty, and completely breathless on the bed several hours later with not a care for anything besides round two, three and four. When they came back to town a few weeks later, they didn’t expect to see you on a date. Neither of them looked happy about it, but they didn’t say anything.

It wasn’t until three months after the first night you spent together that tensions flared for Chris after he showed up to your office unannounced to find you in a very flirtatious situation with one of the guys who worked with you. You could tell he was pissed, but when your office door shut, he let it slip that he didn’t like seeing you flirt with other guys. You were shocked and speechless, so you didn’t speak, and that pissed him off more because he stormed out of your office and left that night to some comic convention.

When you showed up to the convention on the second day you were ready to apologize although you didn’t know what you were apologizing for. Before you could, you were accosted by an actor you’d worked with in the past where he permitted to proposition you for a night of fun. You didn’t know Henry and Chris were both in earshot of the entire conversation and that they’d heard you not shut down the invitation. That night the three of you argued, and they confessed they didn’t like the idea of you flirting with other men and didn’t like knowing that you were dating. You didn’t know what to say because you didn’t like knowing you were dating. Hell, you didn’t even like thinking they were dating. You laughed and laughed long and hard. They didn’t like it and looked even angrier, but when you stopped, you expressed your feelings, feelings they echoed. That was the easy part. You then had figure out what it meant and how you’d maneuver it.

In the beginning, it was easy. You’d established that you had more than platonic feelings for them and they also had those same feelings for you, but not for each other. You’d confirmed you enjoyed spending time together no matter what you were doing and really enjoyed spending time in bed together and all the delicious things you found out about each other’s bodies. There was nothing complicated about your friendship/relationship.

You quickly developed a routine, during the week you worked, and when you got off, you went home. Usually, by ten, they would both make it over where they stayed the night, and you did the same thing again the next day. On weekends you spent one night at Chris’ house and the other night at Henry’s where you enjoyed staying inside away from the stress of the world or the press. When they weren’t in town your life was again back to normal, you worked during the day and times you could you met on facetime and talked about your days and watched some tv show together. It was perfect.

After several months of this routine, the times you spent apart increased, and their schedules got busier and busier. You missed them, and they missed you, but you each knew what your lives entailed. So, when Chris suggested a vacation, you jumped at it and so did Henry. You turned off the water and wrapped in your towel. You walked to the mirror and stared at your reflection. You loved this bathroom it really brought the tropical vibes of outside in. You began your beauty and hair care routine, opting to just do the main steps to your hair as the entire process would take hours and you had much better plans than doing your hair the whole night.

So, you took the time to painstakingly put it into a cute but protective style. Once finished, you inspected and nodded your satisfaction and went to the bedroom to complete your routine of lathering your skin with your own newly concocted body butter mix. You took your time with this because over the last few months you’d noted a few things about your two new paramours. Chris seemed to really love delicate floral scents while Henry liked spicer, more exotic scents. So, before you left, you made a new recipe that consisted of jasmine, gardenia, and rose for Chris and added in a touch of patchouli, vanilla, and sandalwood. When you finished, it smelled like a tropical smoothie and a botanical garden all in once, and the first night you wore it the response was much more than you’d anticipated.

Once you’d finished lathering your skin and setting up the bedroom just the way you wanted you threw on a cute but sexy top and a maxi skirt and went in search of the two people you’d come to seriously not see your life without. As you approached the kitchen, the smells wrapped around you and your stomach growled from hunger. You hadn’t eaten in hours–well food at least. You’d ingested plenty of other things for the day. You peeked into the kitchen, but it was empty. You looked around you wondering where they’d disappeared to. You walked in the opposite direction to the living room expecting to see them sitting watching some soccer game deep in conversation or argument over who was the most valuable player. They rarely agreed on anything which made it a miracle their friendship lasted at all.

When you rounded the corner the living room was empty as well.

“What the hell?”

You went through the rooms of the luxury villa the three of you rented for the last few weeks, and each one you went in you were disappointed when you didn’t find them. When you’d first gotten here you marveled at how spacy it was and didn’t see the spread-out floorplan would be a problem; you stood corrected. You spent the next few minutes roaming through each room on the first floor before you thought about the back patio. As you stepped out, you saw rose petals scattered on the floor. You smirked and followed the path. The soft petals softly crunched underneath your bare feet, and each step the scent of roses wafted more into the air. Once you reached the edge of the patio, you saw more petals leading out across a lantern-lit path across the sand to where you saw both of them standing at the end of the trail. You smiled and walked down the steps onto the sand and to them. As you walked the soft breeze flirted with the hem of your dress and carried it up into the air.

The closer you got you paid attention to the butterflies in your stomach. This was something new for you, something you’d noticed the last few weeks, something you were beginning to understand. You took a few breathes, hoping to calm your raising anxieties. Once you stopped in front of them, your smile grew to the size of Texas.

“What in the world is this?

“Well, we’re officially in countdown mode. We thought why not make tonight a special night,” Henry began.

“As opposed to the other sixteen nights?”

He nodded, grasping the sarcasm in your voice. They’d made you feel special every night of the last near three weeks. They stepped aside to reveal the square dinner table propped into the shallow waters at the shore. It was decked out with candles, flowers and three steel dome covered plates. You smiled again and looked at them in awe. They were perfect, so perfect you felt the prickle of the tears as they stung your eyes. You cleared your throat and stepped to them.

“This is amazing; thank you.”

You kissed Henry’s lips, and what was to be a soft kiss deepened upon contact. You moaned and placed your hand on his chest, loving his warmth. You slowly pulled away and turned to Chris and kissed him as well. His lips were soft and warm and tasted like caramel. You smiled on them and moaned.

“Caramel, huh. I take it caramel is for dessert. Or is it the bedtime snack?”

Chris smiled and kissed you again before he steered you to your waiting seat.

“Play your cards right it could be both,” he said before he kissed your neck and moved to his seat on your right and Henry to your left.

“So what’s for dinner?”

Henry lifted the metal dome to reveal your favorites. You smiled again and looked between them wondering how much more incredible they could get.

“Bon appetite,” you said before you began eating.

Dinner was delicious; you’d always known they were great cooks you’d sampled their food time and time before. As time stretched, you fell deeper in love with your surroundings. You loved the beach, and they knew it; this was the perfect vacation, and it was made even more perfect because you were there with both of them. You loved the warm water, your feet were dipped into and loved it, even more, when your toes dug into the wet sand. Every time you looked at Chris, he was already looking at you with a soft smile and a glint in his eye that made a warm heat brush against your spine. Then when you looked at Henry that heat traveled further down and around to a completely different body part.

By the time dessert finished, the three of you were sitting at the table laughing, sipping bourbon and holding hands. You toyed with their fingers while their free hands roamed the skin of your arms, elbows, shoulders, and knees. When their hands met your thigh the bottle of bourbon was gone, and so were any pretenses that you weren’t going to bust it wide open for them. You finished your final glass and stood from the table and looked at both of them. Their eyes were glossed but clear as the night sky. You held out your hands to them, and without hesitation, they took what you offered. You walked through the water holding firmly to their hands. You led them back across the sand to the house. As you made it to the bedroom door, you turned to them and smiled.

“I’m not running now.”

They both looked to each other and smiled. You walked ahead into the bedroom and patiently waited for them to join you. It was going to be a long night.

***I tagged everyone who was tagged in Captain Vs. Superman. If you would like to be tagged, let me know.

Tag List:

@sarahboseman @texasbama @heyauntieeee @airis-paris14 @thiccdaddy-mbaku @wakandas-vibranium @wakanda-inspired @theunsweetenedtruth @ashanti-notthesinger @reignsxjackson @halfrican-heat @ambthegamer @simplyyamberr @muse-of-mbaku @sisterwifeudaku @mejustme06 @ilcb7 @leahnicole1219 @destinio1 @maliadestiny @drsunshine97 @blowmymbackout @purplehairgawdess @thehuntoyobun @wakandamama @wakandawinning @profilia @zxddy-panther @h-challa @babygirlofwakanda @misswakanda2018 @ororowrites @hutchj @myfavemarvelfanfics @lavitabella87 @afraiddreamingandloving @autumn242 @purple-apricots @skysynclair19 @hersheyskissesss-blog @blue-ishx @90sinspiredgirl @tchallaswife @tchallamakesmeh0lla @turn-thy-paige @blackchickfics @blackpantherismyish @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @naturally-bri @flawlesslybeautiful14 @qweentbh @lunaerly @theoutereffect @twilight-sapphire-lover @pupyluv247 @stark-red19 @cockyboysandsugarism @maverickabull @madbadsiren @aykanna @myaw731 @ruruly20 @mixedmelanin @brittyevans @bezzywazhere @laketaj24 @taint3dvirgin @soulsparker @theresnomoregoodones @syreanne @loveandcigarillos @heyauntieeee @heybriheyyy @wakanda-bcth @uhlxis @maliadestiny @dadinhas-heat @yaachtynoboat711 @geeksareunique @bultalongthewayside @ajspencer1892 @captiansaveasmut @imaginewhoever @terrablaze514 @starsshines-blog @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @darkandlovely94 @sithlordslut @wavyyc @naturalistamisslyn @nigarachi15 @madamslayyy @blackandfair @kreolemami @mylastnameisthe-fish @kaykay0829 @chaneajoyyy @tequilajay27 @blacklotus-of-the-black-kingdom @slimmiyagi @im5ftbutmythroat66 @jaeee-http @madhatterhelsing @sunflowerpsalms @wakanda-shit-is-that @deliciousstreetkidcroissant @jecourt @vebner37 @disneysdarlingdiva @melaninmarvel @alanastormborn @dolphinpink310 @wonderbell @ohleucothea @queentearra @bitchbetterhavemydinner @fentybabyy @kaykay4454fan @priya212 @kitkit1690 @chrismarcs @beautycomesindifferentformsworld @blackpantherimagines @ovohanna24 @sweetpeachjones @kslo000 @nubian-queen18 @omgsuperstarg @airis-paris14 @sisterwifeudaku @mejustme06 @ilcb7 @leahnicole1219 @destinio1 @drsunshine97 @blue-ishx @inlovewithmakeupcomicsanimelove @prettyprincessushio @treeondrea @ursapharoh05 @blackpinup22 @kaytauru @big3gocandykahn @kissingpineapples @wildaboutchrisevans @fitfineandstayingalive @misspooh @michele-onel @gorjiss @blacklotus-of-the-black-kingdom @muva-milaje @limbo-limbo-limbo @awkwardlyabstract @blxck-brxndie @meeky-imagines @inlovewith3 @metalarmlover @mellowjellow6 @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @sweettea-and-honeybutter @thatrandomhetaliachick @missdeerstalker15 @ursapharoh05 @treeondrea @ovohanna24 @marvelheaux @romanceoftheeveryday @mufasathatniggatho @cltex84 @sweetbearcolorgarden @msincognito67 @mosagram @lunaerly @mar-ta-3 @ljstraightnochaser @lewatigress @akimi-youngblood @bekahdean87 @jasmindaughteroftheworld @cocooned-butterfly @emoniclark22 @chereedrop619 @theblulife @niggarachi15 @drsunshine97 @msincognito67 @missdeerstalker15 @wakandamama @great-neckpectations @avenger-marvel-fan @arieljamiyla @vibranium-soul @monae-boss @queenxchallaxkillamonger @amirra88 @jaeee-http @omg-itsnadi @fonville-designs @sydneebleu

#I love you two fic #chris evans #henry cavill #chris evans fanfiction #henry cavill fanfiction #chris evans x reader #Chris Evans X black reader #chris evans x you #chris evans smut #chris evans x reader x henry cavill #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill x black reader #henry cavill x you #henry cavill smut #fluff fanfiction

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wild-at-spark · 4 years

Text

Reunion

Another drabble about Ironhide and Wild because I can’t get enough of these two idiots. I blame @x-de-con-struct-ed-x . Under the readmore because it’s long. Some violence and swearing in this one. TW Gore? tagging just in case?

Uraya has fallen, the neutral zone no longer a safehold for the injured and the dying. Those who are able are forced to flee, there’s not much time to escape. Wild knows she needs to run but she can’t leave patients to die. “Everyone out now the building is burning! Get to the emergency exit, if you can take someone with you go!” She commanded, hurrying those lingering behind, sirens and alarms blaring in the background along with screams of anguish, bots are suffering and there’s nothing she can do about it but focus on getting those who she can out and safe. Accounting for everyone Wild made her way to the exit the smoke so thick and dark she couldn’t see what was in front of her, her cooling fans whirring due the heat becoming overwhelming. She needed out, her pace quickening as she could just about see a faint outline of a doorway. Just as she was about to get out, she was met face to face with an extremely unwanted visitor. Barricade.

This was not what she needed, the femme immediately turned tail, running deeper into the smoke-filled building, debris falling around her. Come on femme think! Her frantic search for a way out begins, panic begins to set in as she can hear the pounding of pedes behind her, she’s getting weaker and knows a fight would be futile. Her path in front of her blocked, no wait! There was a gap, dropping to her knees the femme began to crawl through the debris just hoping it wouldn’t fall. Taking this opportunity she opened a communication link. Words had to be said, she had a funny feeling she wasn’t making it out of Uraya.

::Ironhide! I need you to stay safe for me, stay strong and remember I love--::

The com cut off and no matter how much the weaponsmith tried to get it back her signal was gone, and his spark ached knowing there was nothing he could do to help.

***

Approximately twelve thousand and eight years later, Earth.

A meteorite struck down into the thick snow and ice, followed by a second much larger meteorite. From the first meteorite transformed a femme, who immediately got up and began to run, putting distance between her and her pursuer, the much larger meteorite now a decepticon charging at her at full speed, jagged blade in hand. The femme spun around facing her opponent, using her momentum to throw herself in between the mechs legs, grabbing his pedes and freezing them to the permafrost on the ground, buying herself enough time to get up. Not enough however to get away, the mech grabbing her shoulder, snatching her close to his frame, sinking the serrated blade deep into the side of the medic’s torso. Wild snarled, elbowing her attacker in the chest before dropping to the ground with a thud, ice cracking beneath her.

The femme dragged herself away from the Decepticon, she had to ignore the weapon in her side if she was going to live.

The larger mech broke free from the ice holding his pedes and grabbed her by the neck, lifting her upwards, grabbing the weapon in her side, pulling it out before plunging it back in again. Wild cried out as energon splattered down her frame.

"You’re just a little weakling, I'm going to gut you like I did your patients, but I'll take my time with you making it painful.

Wild grabbed at the servo holding her up, using her pedes to land a blow to the mechs chest.

"That all you got little nursey?”

Wild glared at him pulling back hard against one of his digits, causing the mech to drop her with a groan.

The femme pushed herself up off the ground, bearing fangs at the decepticon. “I am Wildrider of Kaon and I AM NOT A NURSE!”

Her servo balled into a fist as she jumped upwards, upper cutting the decepticon in his jaw, causing him to stagger backwards. Wild headbutted him, using her weight to force them both to the ground as she grabbed his helm by the finials to keep him in place, straddling herself over his chest, smashing his helm into the solid ice over and over again, each move more forceful than the last, screaming at him before moving her servos down to the sides of the helm, swiftly twisting and pulling, severing the helm from the con’s cervical vertebrae rendering him dealt with.

Wilds frame was shaking from the rush of adrenaline, adjusting herself into a less painful and more upright position, letting out a groan as she stood up using her servos to tug on the mechs spine, ripping it from its housing within the frame before flinging it away from the body. "Nurse my ass! Damn cons." She growled before looking down at her wound. " Great I get to a new planet and I'm impaled." she held onto her side, applying pressure around the blade with her servo. "Need to find cover." she looked around spotting what looked like a cave in the distance. She couldn't just wander in the open that would be suicide in her condition.

The femme off lined her optics concentrating, her spark pulsating in her audials as she focused on herself. Her surroundings began to quickly change, snow beginning to fall rapidly, strong winds howling, making a blizzard to cover her tracks so no indigenous life or other cons could find her.

Onlining her optics Wild watched her work, a blizzard beginning to rage.

Now to communicate with some Autobots. Wild opened a com link, nothing, no static just nothing. "Oh for pits sake really?" With that plan now out the window Wild resorted to pinging her signal on every frequency she could find on this unknown planet as she began to stumble her way towards the cave. Someone, somewhere would be listening surely?

***

"Autobots! We have intercepted a rogue signal of unknown origin at Grise Ford in Nunavut, Canada. We can confirm there were two meteor strikes that hit, go investigate but be warned this place is in summer and its only -10°C so be prepared for cold. "

Lennox and Epps gathered their team and their gear, this was going to be a cold as hell mission.

"I'm leading." Ironhide ordered, no arguing with him, no one wanted to go spend a mission freezing their afts off anyway.

Sideswipe looked at the weaponsmith before looking at Ratchet, the medic nodded silently agreeing with what the youngster was thinking before Sideswipe announced. "Ratchet and I are coming too, the three of us can handle it and a medic may be needed if it’s an Autobot in distress."

The weaponsmith just grumbled, wanting to be left alone as he gathered some weaponry for the possible battle ahead before heading onto the C-17. Sideswipe looked at Ratchet. "Don't let him get his hopes up, we all want it to be true but let’s face it, it's not going to be.” He admitted before both the youngster and the medic joined the weaponsmith on the plane. They had a long journey ahead of them.

***

After forcing herself deep enough into the cave Wild slumped against the wall, energon spilling out around the blade. Looking down at the wound she noticed she’d left a trail of energon to her position as well as covering her legs with the substance. Hopefully the Autobots would spot it. Each movement she'd made had caused the serrated edge to cut deeper. “Oh scrap..." she whined, servo shaking as she gripped the serrated metal in her wound. "You can do this you’ve had WORSE!" she exclaimed, yanking it out and tossing it to the side, letting out an agonised groan as the now uninterrupted flow of energon pooled around her, without hesitation one of her shaking servos move over the area, digits reaching into the wound, forcing the wound and energon to freeze. "Oh this isn't good... come on Wild you aren't dying here... you made it off Cybertron femme you can do this.”

Wild pinged out her signal once again, hoping that the Autobots would pick it up and not any unwanted visitors. At least the storm she’d created was raging on nicely providing her some cover and protection.

The femme exhaled trying to wait the pain out when out the corner of her optic she spotted a large white creature coming towards her. She sat still, not know what the creature was however she did notice its claws. It was definitely a predator, that she was sure, but she couldn't help thinking it was beautiful. She'd never seen a creature that inhabited the snow and for once she felt normal and at ease. She moved her legs so the creature could pass deeper into the cave away from the raging blizzard, the creature giving her no heed as it settled down out of the snow. “Maybe I’ll fit in on this planet. just maybe.” She whispered to herself looking at the floor and the puddle of her own energon she was sat in, sighing before resting her helm on the wall, offlining her optics, listening to the sound of the howling wind.

***

"We are approaching the signal's coordinates we will be landing soon there’s a blizzard happening right now." Lennox informed everyone.

"How can we possibly find anything in a blizzard? Let alone shoot to save our asses we should turn back." a rookie chimed in.

"We are doing this mission!" Ironhide snarled.

Sideswipe looked at the humans. "You wouldn't abandon one of your own. We are not abandoning our own!" He snapped.

Epps looked at the two mechs. "What’s got into you two! I don't think I've seen you so pissed!"

Ironhide just grumbled not answering.

"A friend. we suspect it's a friend, we could be wrong." Ratchet answered leaving it at that.

***

Once the plane had landed and everyone made their way into the cold the complaints started. Sideswipe turned around to face the soldiers, wheeling himself backwards. "You think you're co- WOAH" He yelled, falling backwards, aft over chest, his wheeled pedes in the air. "What the frag? There’s something hard there!"

Lennox went up to the mound, brushing some of the snow away to reveal the metal. "We got a body"

After helping Sideswipe up, Ratchet and Ironhide lifted up the body. "It was a Decepticon hmph no helm or spine attached someone got to them first, that’s some nice work, this is an Autobots doing alright and a desperate one at that." Ironhide commented.

Epps looked down. "That’s some weird coloured snow. Ratchet this something to do with the signal?"

"That is energon and it's been spilled somewhat recently." the medic replied.

"There's a trail. whoever dispatched the con is injured or worse, follow the trail and find the culprit." Sideswipe added.

"Enough standing around an Autobot could be in trouble." Ironhide growled, making his way in the direction of the trail, he didn't want to be in this blizzard any longer than he had to. Sideswipe and Ratchet followed along with the nest team.

"Ironhide is moodier than usual... ALOT moodier." One of the soldiers muttered.

"I heard that punk!" he retorted.

Once they'd reached the end of the trail Ironhide held up a servo. "Wait here for me I'm checking the cave." he commanded before walking into the cave and disappearing from sight. The further he progressed inwards the stronger the smell of energon got.

***

Hearing footsteps Wild onlined her optics, reaching for the blade to use as a weapon just in case. Armed and ready to fight until the source of the noise revealed themselves and she dropped the blade.

Ironhide suddenly froze before he dropped to his knees, he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Wild?" he asked extending his arms in front of him, servos shaking as he placed them on either side of the femme’s helm, tears beginning to stream down his faceplate. "You're alive... you're actually alive and here..." he whispered, the ache in his spark growing as the femme looked at him, optics wide with tears beginning to form, turning to snowflakes as they fell from the femme’s face. "Ironhide... Is it really you?" she sobbed, tilting her helm into the warm touch of the weaponsmith, arms moving around his frame, gripping him tightly. "I thought I'd never see you again." While the two reunited bots were sharing a warm embrace the blizzard outside came to a halt, wind dropping, snow stopping completely and the clouds disappearing to reveal the sun, causing the snow to glisten.

Epps looked at Lennox. "What the hell man? Blizzards don't just stop like that!"

Sideswipe and Ratchet looked at each other. "Ratchet do you think?"

"I do."

Wild let out a whine as she moved away from the mech. "Please tell me you've got a med kit or even better Ratchet?”

"Shit that looks nasty" He grimaced looking at her wound. " 'con got off the worst though, Sideswipe fell over your handiwork… and yes we have Ratchet" Adjusting his position so he could lift the femme up while minimising aggravation to her wound.

Wild couldn't help but let out a small laugh clinging onto Ironhide as he carried her out into the open "Oh? So he's still wheeling about then?"

The mech nodded in reply, placing a kiss on the femme’s fore helm. "I'll explain later but ignore the company we are in for now." he grumbled, earning him a kiss on the faceplate.

"Here comes Ironhide. He’s carrying someone! Must be an Autobot.” Lennox called out.

Ratchet and Sideswipe moved towards the plane. "We can leave now we got what who we came for."

Wild looked at the humans surrounding the other bots, curious as to who they were and what they were doing. Her thought process disturbed as Ironhide put her down in the C-17. "How much energon did you lose?" Ratchet asked.

"Enough. A transfusion will be needed once surgery takes place but for now my fuel lines are froze off, serrated blade, movement made it cut deeper." She winced, tensing from the pain but at least she was safe, leaning herself against the weaponsmith beside her. "It's good to see you all again, despite the circumstances." Wild smiled, one of her digits brushing up against Ironhide’s servo.

As much as Epps and Lennox had questions to ask Sideswipe was playing guard dog, shooing the soldiers off. "Leave 'em alone.. ask 'em later." Wild looked at Ironhide, resting her servo in his. "I thought you didn't like the cold."

The weaponsmith turned and met her gaze. "I don't like the cold." he grumbled. "But… I Iove you." closing his servo around hers.

"I love you too."

#tw gore #❄ the one who warms my spark ❄#mun writes #this took me ages #and im not proud of it

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captainmarvelrb · 5 years

Text

Dysphoria Diaries: Why “Captain Marvel” is my Perfect Transgender Movie

So, this is like a special feature, the first of many I’m sure, but this entry is going to be much longer than usual but I promise it’s worth a read!

So, first thing’s first, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. Started it fully certain that I was a heterosexual, cis-man, and now, in November, I’m sure I’m a transgender, gay woman so, yeah, bit of a big flip there and it can feel pretty overwhelming.

BUT thinking about one film in particular has really helped me out a LOT during this whole scary yet incredibly exciting period, and that film is “Captain Marvel”.

So basically, I was a big fan of Captain Marvel before the movie, back all the way since 2013 and she had just RECENTLY ditched the awful leotard for the kick-ass red, yellow, and blue, and I still remember the first time I fell in love with her. It felt shallow, but it was a poster! I saw a poster of her in my local comic shop, knew nothing about her...but I KNEW I needed that poster because she looked SO COOL. That COSTUME! And then, one thing lead to another, started reading her stories, and then, for one reason or another, I quickly decided, “This woman is MY FAVORITE marvel character. Period.” In this house we LOVE Captain Marvel (hence the username, obvi).

And so I held on, rooting for YEARS for my girl to show up and kick ass in the MCU, and when her film got announced in 2015 I was OVER THE MOON! And then, 2019 hit, and despite all the TOXIC fucking pissbaby, dude-bro men, I got to see her movie, I loved it, and my girl cracked a billion at the box office so, yeah, it was a pretty good year for me :)

And now it’s been a few months, and I’ve had the chance to relive this film many, many times and each time I loved it more but, it’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to give it a rewatch...that is, until I figured out that I am, in actuality, a trans woman. A realization that, in all actuallity, I should have realized a long time ago...

So, why has this significantly changed the way I view this film? Well, a film, any film, is subjective and how you view life significantly affects how you view movies...and I didn’t think it was possible...but now that I know I’m trans this movie has COMPLETELY changed for me and I love it SO MUCH MORE.

Because I feel like it’s my story...I finally see myself here in this very story...

Hear me out here.

The movie starts, as we know, with Carol loving far away on Hala, loving her life as “Vers”, a fierce and promising Kree warrior. And ever-loving badass

And this is where I see myself, at least the version of me that existed when this year started, because even though Vers is seemingly happy, comfortable with who she is and what she does and with how her life is, there’s a part of her that secretly feels restrained. She’s purposefully being held back, she’s not like the others, and she doesn’t even realize it. She’s playing the role of Vers, even if she doesn’t know that it’s just a role...

This is how I was until literally this year. When this year started, I “knew” I was a man, I was straight, and that was that, simple. And sure, some things felt off. I always hated the idea of body hair anywhere on me, I always pick female avatars in games when I have the choice, and I have a super strong affinity for strong, female characters but no, it’s nothing, and I’ve got an excuse and a coping mechanism for all of it. (I.e. Repressing my feelings about my body, I just pick women because I’m a MAN™️ and I just like looking at women, and, my favorite, “it’s just a coincidence”).

I was playing a role...and I played it well. I believed it. I didn’t think about it.

Until something happened that made me question that...

For Carol, it was falling to earth, coming home. For me, it was education and my LGBTQ friends. For both of us, it was exposure...exposure to the very thing we’d been repressing for so damn long.

Carol spends time on earth, realizes she has a life there, and slowly but surely starts to understand that what she’s been told, by those who expect her to play a certain role, is not the truth.

Me, it was going to college, getting away from smalltown, USA and actually spending time learning about and spending time with LGBTQ individuals. Smalltown USA was very conservative, I was not, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t have an effect on me. I knew that LGBTQ individuals didn’t choose to be that way, therefore I didn’t hate them and disparage them like most of my peers, but in environments like that with minimal education on the matters...sometimes you can’t help it. Some things just stick. Bad stereotypical and homophobic thoughts.

Until I went to college. A liberal college. There I learned more, and a lot of those ingrained, toxic thoughts were dissolved and replaced with understanding and appreciation and respect. This increased much, much further when my girlfriend revealed to me that she was bisexual and also non-binary. And she helped me more than anyone else, because for the first time I had an actual friend who was an active and knowledgeable member of the LGBTQ community. She taught me SO much...

And it only took 3 years with her, 3 years of growing thoughts and possibilities...before I asked her some important questions.

Carol said, “I think I used to have a life here.”

I said, “I think I would prefer it if I was in a female body.”

And then, from that first simple, personal observation both of us, Carol and I, grew and grew, understanding more and more as we went on our own personal journeys. Fortunately for both of us, we weren’t alone. We had someone to talk to...

And although we had all the evidence in front of us, and although we knew something was wrong, we stayed in denial for the longest time. Despite everything I had said, everything I felt, I decided that I wasn’t trans, because I thought I would be fine living life in a male body. I decided that “non-binary” would be a better descriptor. Even “Non-Binary Trans Femme”, and I even came out to my friends as such. But, even though I did so, it never really felt right. But It meant I didn’t need to change. I could pretend that nothing was different. It wasn’t flat-out denial...but it was a denial.

Carol stayed in denial until Telos showed her the black box...I stayed in denial until my partner told me how it was, made me stop lying to myself, and we had some more long conversations.

And she told me something that I still haven’t forgotten.

She told me, in regards to what I call myself, “You need to do whatever makes you feel powerful.”

And it clicked...because I didn’t feel powerful as I was...because, in my mind, powerful goes hand in hand with the word “woman”. And everything fell into place. I would feel powerful if I was in a female body. I would feel confident leaving the house. I would be happy with the way I looked. I would feel that everything inside would finally be justified, comfortable, and happy...it was the moment I broke that facade. I realized I’d been playing a role. The role of a man. A role that had been holding me back.

Since I learned I was trans, I’ve felt happy, happier than I have felt in a long time. I’m excited. I’m energetic. I’ve started working out, running, I’ve started taking care of myself. I’m eating healthier, snacking less. I’m writing again, happily. I’m I afraid of what others think or say. I feel a weight off my shoulders.

And it 100% made me feel like Carol when she breaks her regulator, and finally goes binary.

Because that was the moment that she accepted who she was, and stopped playing a role. And that was the moment when she truly became powerful. A force of nature. Earth’s Mightiest Hero.

And she became unstoppable...and that’s exactly how I feel right now in this moment...I feel free and proud

Because I am lucky. I have such a supportive friend group around me right now, such important people who have embraced me, who still love me, and it makes me feel like I’m shining, glowing like a Star. It makes me feel like I got something to look forward to, and it makes me so eager and excited.

I still haven’t told my parents, and I don’t know how that will go...but here...Carol is once again nothing more than an inspiration to me. Because...

...or them, or anyone else. I am valid, I am beautiful, and I will be amazing. Because this is my journey, and just like Carol it’s only just beginning.

And, you know, this post may feel like it ended up going no where but I don’t care. It helps me keep it together, it makes me happy, so I’m gonna do It and I’m gonna post it. Because I think it’s cool. I think it’s amazing that such an important character in my life has played such a new, important, and unexpected role in what feels like a new life...and that matters so much to me. And me alone.

Thanks for reading :)

It’s the little things...

#captain marvel #dysphoria #trans blog #transgirl #transgender #mtf positivity #mtf #lgbtq #rant #long blog #rambles #i see the parallels #hopefully you do too #i appreciate all of you #marvel #marvel mcu

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forkanna · 4 years

Link

[AO3] [WATTPAD] [QUOTEV]

WARNING: NSFW. (If you hadn't noticed, haha)

CHAPTER FIVE

"STEP on you?!"

Yukiko nodded, rolling up to bow low, hands elegantly resting on the floor in front of her as her forehead touched just behind them. "It would give me great honour to be walked upon by you, my Prince."

This was insane. Chie knew it was somehow all tied up in the whole ownership fantasy — that their shadows had conspired to make her the owner and Yukiko the property. Something neither of them had ever consciously pursued, considered, anticipated… yet here they were, confronting it outside of the Midnight Channel. In the real world. And that felt even crazier than there being a Midnight Channel in the first place.

"Okay," she whispered, pushing to her knees and swallowing hard as she watched the elegant girl remain in her low bow. As if worshipping her. "Can I try it, a-and if you don't like it, at least we'll know? But you better promise to tell me if you don't like it!"

"Yes, my Prince," Yuki whispered. After a moment, she looked up at the clearly-flustered tomboy. "I-is… this too strange? I don't even understand why… I want you to…"

"Well, it's strange, but not too strange. I mean, if you're going to like it, then hey, I wanna make you happy! I just… am worried about, um, hurting you, I guess. Or making you feel bad."

Yukiko's flawless features easily flowed into a serene smile. "You won't hurt me. I know — I trust that."

"Oh. Well, that's…" Some would-be Dom she was, with her cheeks lighting up like fireworks.

"Do you not want to step on me?" she finally asked. "Y-you don't have to. It was just an idea."

"N-no, it's cool. We can…"

Chie finally stood up, towering over her half-dressed friend. Watching her peer up at her as she laid on her back, perfect little pink lips slightly parted. This was deranged. Just because their shadows had revealed the dark desires in their hearts didn't mean they should be giving in to them. Did it? Weren't they supposed to be becoming better versions of themselves?

"So… like… step on you where? Your head, face? Boob?"

Yukiko giggled softly as her bare shoulders shrugged. "'Boob'. I don't know, either. This is all new to me."

"You say that like I'm some pro."

"Well… you are the one who's seen those videos."

"None of them involved this!" Still, she raised her leg, trying to figure out where to land. In the end, she opted for somewhere fairly neutral: Yukiko's shoulder. "This… is it okay?"

"It's fine," she promised her, cheeks still rosy from all their activities. When Chie still looked uncomfortable, she tilted her head over to kiss her toes. "I mean it. You aren't even hurting me yet."

Her voice was a little hoarse when she managed, "Yet?"

"Well… I expected it to hurt. Even if you aren't whipping me or… or whatever your shadow was doing."

This was difficult for Chie. On the one hand, it was a little hot, but on the other hand the overwhelming majority of her personality didn't like that she was subjugating her best friend. Normally, she would listen to that more, but Yukiko was encouraging her to indulge that quieter, more sinister desire. Might as well test it out just once.

"Really?" Licking her lips in a vain attempt to dispel her nerves, she gradually lifted her foot to press it against Yukiko's lips. "So you… still want me to leave footprints all over your face?"

The little innkeeper flushed a darker shade, breath hitching. She held completely still for a moment before saying in a muffled tone, "Yes, my Prince."

Heat shot straight to her core — even as a slight thrill tingled its way up her leg, since the breath on her foot tickled very slightly. This was really happening, wasn't it? Against all odds, she was putting her best friend in her place. She leaned a little harder against that leg, just to give it the tiniest bit of impression of being stomped on — without running the risk of hurting her for real, of course.

"Then show me. Sh-show me how much you like it when I step on you."

Despite the nerves she was clearly displaying, Yukiko did as she was asked. Her lips pushed up into the toes, eyes closing as she paid homage to the new Master she had just found. Chie squirmed, toes flexing, and tried hard to keep her balance despite this precarious position. This was insane — she really didn't mind kissing her stinky foot?!

"Is that good, my Prince?"

"Y-yes," she hastily stammered, moving to stand above her. So far it was exciting, but she knew she would probably laugh if it kept up because of being ticklish, and might lose her balance. "Now I want you on your hands and knees."

Completely obedient, she flipped over and got into position. Chie could see just how soaking wet she was, since the dark spot on her panties was impossible to miss from that angle. Her own desires began to brew afresh, and she was tempted to drop down and kiss everything she saw… but she tried to push that temptation down. Save it for another time. Possibly only a few minutes into the future.

"Like this?"

Gulp. "Yes. Arch your back a little." Once she had, she reached down to grab a generous handful of that perky ass.

"A-ah!" Yukiko gasped out, back arching even more as her heat spiked. Amazing that they had both already got off but this neophyte domination play was bringing their desire back so effortlessly. Maybe their shadows were onto something.

"Such a bad little girl you are. You want your prince this much but never said anything? Shame on you!" The words still felt foreign on her tongue but she was doing her best. "We're gonna have to work on that."

Whimpering hard enough to be audible, she gasped out, "Y-yes, Prince! I'm sorry!"

"Oh yeah? You're sorry? Not good enough!" Her hand reared back…

And she hesitated. This was different; everything so far had either been loving or merely playful. Was she truly prepared to cause her best friend pain, no matter how brief?

"Chie?" Yukiko whispered.

"Huh?"

"Y-you don't have to keep going. I know this is… different, and we're both really new to any of it. So I'm not going to be upset if you-"

"No, no, I can do it," she whispered back. "Sorry." Then she cleared her throat and said louder, almost theatrically, "You ready for your punishment, you little… butt?!"

Seemingly unable to help it, her sub giggled at that would-be insult. "Oh no, don't do it, my Prince! Please, I'll be good!"

Chie really saw no other way to put an end to her own mortification and Yukiko's amusement but to deliver a swift smack to her inviting cheeks. She got the most delightful squeak for her efforts. How was it this much fun to punish her best friend? Maybe she really was sick. Maybe the darkness had a lot stronger of a hold on her heart than she wanted to admit.

Not that said best friend seemed to mind. At all. Even a little. Her hips squirmed from side to side, almost as if begging for another hit. So she got one. "AH! Chie!"

"Who?"

"O-oh I- AIYEE!" Another spanking had interrupted her apology. "I'm sorry, my Prince! I'm sorry! Mmhhh, please, be gentle!"

"I thought you didn't want me to be… gentle!"

That spanking made Yukiko moan a little louder. Now she was starting to worry about the noise level; what if someone heard? They would definitely be in trouble, even if they didn't disgust whichever of the staff came running to check on them. She decided she had better be a little bit more careful…

What on Earth was she saying?! This was a terrible thing to be doing to her best friend. Even if she could no longer pretend the desire to treat her this way wasn't there, and the reciprocal desire in Yukiko, it didn't make it right. Maybe using the noise levels as an excuse to stop was for the best.

"Prince?" Her hips squirmed a little as she looked over her shoulder at Chie. "Is… everything all right?"

"O-oh, I'm… yeah. Totally fine. I was just thinking… should… I call my parents? Let them know I'm okay? And you probably want to go take a bath in the hot springs, or…"

Her best friend turned to look at her properly, a frown etched in her fair features. "Hey. Did you think you were really hurting me just now?" She got no response other than flustered squirming, and her smile clearly communicated she thought she was right. "You weren't. I promise you I am just fine."

"But I was… this is really fucked up. Isn't it? I feel like I should be arrested for this kind of thing. You're so gorgeous and perfect, why would I ever wanna even risk hurting you for real?"

"Chie…" It only took a few seconds for her arms to be around the tomboy, nestling her gentle face into the crook of her neck. "We should definitely stop."

"No, c'mon. If you want to do-"

"No," she repeated a little more firmly. "Let's both go make use of the hot spring. Okay? And we can just relax and talk about these things, because… we have all the time in the world. There isn't any rush."

Feeling as stupid as she was grateful, she clung back to her best friend with a heavy sigh. "Okay. And I mean… y-yeah."

"We're both virgins — well, we were until today. Right? I think it's alright for us to have to learn our limits as we go. I'm flying just as blind as you are."

"Guess… that's true…" Finally, she began to relax and leaned into the embrace. "Yuki-chan, how are you so great? Like, seriously."

She was so close that Chie could feel the little chuckle up against her own chest. That made her heart skip over a beat. What a ridiculous crush this already was; they really were made for each other. "I'm not. Just trying my best to be your little bitch."

"WHAT?!"

"W-well," Yukiko amended as she dipped her head in alarm, "I… that's what your shadow called me. And since mine was wearing a collar…"

"Oh. But we don't have to do that! Like, that's crazy! You're not a dog, I don't want you to be a dog, either!"

Her tone was totally reasonable. "Don't you? I mean, somewhere in your heart?"

"I…" Cheeks warming, she slammed her eyes shut. "Yes. But it's more like… I guess I saw you that way because you seemed dependent on me. But that was just my fucked-up way of thinking about it, y'know? Not like, you actually are that way, or that it's what I want. Is… am I making any sense?"

"Well my shadow sure seemed to enjoy being on yours' leash," she said with a small, sly smile. Making Chie gulp again. "But we don't have to do that — right away, or ever."

Letting out a sigh of relief, she held onto Yukiko for support. "Good. No offense, but I'm not ready to…"

"Y-yeah," she confirmed with a giggle. "You're not, I can tell. There's nothing wrong with taking our time, like I said."

"Yeah!" Laughing louder and more boisterously, she scratched the back of her neck. "So um, let's hit the bath, and we can figure ourselves out more later, right?"

Nodding with a patient, excited smile as she retrieved her yukata, she said, "Absolutely, my Prince."

~ o ~

They enjoyed a late lunch before retiring to the baths. Yukiko took a staffer aside as they entered, speaking quietly to her while Chie glanced over curiously. But she decided to leave her to it; probably Amagi Inn business that was none of hers. So she finished undressing and quickly rinsed off, then left her towel by the edge of the spring as she began to edge into the roiling hot water.

"Oooh! AH! Mmm, God it hurts so good…" Closing her eyes, she began to sink down like a melting icicle, totally at peace with the world. The scent of sulfur in the air was a small price to pay for the restorative dip.

It was another few minutes before she heard steps — bare feet moving across the stones from the wooden deck. Chie opened her eyes to see Yukiko had a towel around her body and another folded atop her head, and looked perfectly serene in her surroundings. This was her home, after all.

"Ahhh, the heat must be getting to me," Chie said in a voice convincingly like a random guy. "A vision of a goddess appears!"

Yukiko let out a "pfff" as she dropped her body-towel to one side and slowly began to slide into the water. She barely had to ooh and ahh; she had probably bathed in it several times a week for her entire life. "Oh, Chie… that does feel nice to hear, but you don't have to keep doing that."

"Doing what? Being honest?" As Yukiko laughed, she leaned back to relax again. "You really are super pretty. I'm not just buttering you up; I always thought that. Guess I just didn't realise I thought about it as much as I did. Pretty dumb, huh?"

"Not when I'm in the same boat," she countered smoothly as she pressed in close to Chie's side, wrapping her arms around one of hers. She shivered at the sensation of a nipple sliding over her skin but suppressed any further comment.

"Mmmm, I guess… that's true."

"So. You wanted to talk about how spanking me made you feel?"

Dipping her head, she muttered under her breath, "N-not unless I have to…" But the pointed look from Yukiko made her sigh. "Okay. So… like, it was really hot, but it also made me want to protect you. From me! Isn't that crazy?!"

"Not at all," she whispered as she pressed her lips into Chie's warm cheek, causing the latter to smile and lean into the contact. Yukiko giggled quietly. "I think it's very sweet. But I also know a part of you wants to punish me, and a part of me wants to be punished. So…"

"So what? We just live with it because I'm a big chicken?"

"NO!" They both laughed a little. "Not a chicken. You're my brave hero."

That line made Chie grin much more giddily, even if she felt like her face was on fire. "N-nah. You're just too important to the world not to save."

"The world, psh. I highly doubt anyone would know I was gone, except for my family and friends."

"Are you kidding? You're famous!" At her friend's dubious look, she amended, "Well, you were already Inaba-famous, and now you've been on the news and everybody knows you're smokin' hot. So like, pretty famous now, right?"

"I suppose," she whispered shyly, before clearing her throat. "But you're trying to distract me. Perhaps we should do some research."

"Research? On whether you're smokin' hot?"

With a little smirk, she muttered, "I have a feeling you can do that all on your own. No, I meant into you punishing me."

"OH! Oh, that. Well, u-um…" She would have tugged at her collar if she had one. "I mean, how would you even do that? Looking at porn again? I would feel pretty weird watching it with you. Hell, I'd feel weird watching it by myself again!"

"Other-Chie had a whip, too…"

That silenced her friend for a few seconds. She kicked her feet, watching them bounce lazily in the murky water. Then she whispered, "I don't want that."

"You obviously do."

"No… it's just the kinkiest thing I've ever heard of. I think our shadows kind of… take little pieces of stuff we want, and blow them up as big as they possibly can. To get us to freak out. Like, do you honestly want to be my dog, wearing a damn collar?"

No reply. Chie slowly turned to look down at her blushing friend.

"There are worse fates," she finally whispered.

"Yuki-chan…?"

"It would mean I really do belong to you. It should sound degrading, but it's you. That is what I want, even if a collar and leash is a bit literal."

Gulping, she rubbed up and down Yukiko's back for a moment as she pondered the ramifications. Her friend wanted a collar? Or no — she wouldn't mind a collar, because what she wanted was what it represented. That wasn't quite the same thing but was close enough that she still felt surprised.

"So…" She swallowed hard. "If I did get you a collar… would you react the way your shadow did?" The way Yukiko bit her lip and tried not to grin said it all. "Whoa…"

"Is that so bad? Maybe it's a little extreme…"

"No! No, it's cool, just like… a really big engagement ring, or something! R-right? One that goes around your neck instead! Y-yeah!"

Yukiko kissed the corner of her mouth. "You're adorable when you're flustered." When Chie only turned her head slightly, she repeated the action more firmly against her lips. "My reluctant Prince."

"Shut up already," she grumbled, even if she was smiling. They embraced tightly for a moment, relaxing and letting the heat from the springs penetrate their bones. "Mmm… I'm still really shocked over here. My best friend is my… can I say… is the word 'girlfriend' right?"

"Oh. I guess I haven't thought about that part yet." Eyes wide, she looked up at her curiously. "Is that what you want to call me?"

"I, uh, I think so? I don't know…" Yukiko didn't push. Eventually, Chie whispered, "Yeah."

All smiles, she whispered, "And you can still just be my Prince. I think I like that better than 'girlfriend' for you… and you sure aren't my boyfriend."

"Thank you," she sighed in obvious relief. "I hear plenty of kids saying I'm too much like a boy, so like, I'm glad you're not trying to put me in that box, too."

"Does it bother you that much? Everyone calling you a boy."

Chie sighed, nuzzling the top of Yukiko's head — careful not to dislodge her towel. "At first, it was kinda cool, almost. Like they were saying I was strong because I know martial arts, and am no pushover. But then it was like… I don't want to actually be a boy, I want to be a strong girl. Y'know? So what they say gets to me sometimes. My shadow saw that, kept bringing up how I'm not very girly and I'm jealous of how cute and feminine you are."

"Hmph," Yukiko sighed through her nostrils, staring out across the gently bubbling water. "Then that was very rude of your shadow. Of course, she seemed to be rude most of the time…"

"Mm, you ain't lying." Her hands began to rub up and down her arms, pulling her even closer. "You feel really good."

"Do I?" When Chie nodded, she smiled and melted into the embrace. "I've been waiting for a long time for someone to say that to me."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. Just because I didn't expect it to be you didn't mean my shadow wasn't right, as well: I wanted a Prince to dote on me. To make me feel special."

The tomboy thought about that for a moment, leaning back against the rocks with her junior innkeeper in her arms. They really could have collided together like this at any time. How backwards was their society that such a love was discouraged, or looked down upon? Perhaps it wasn't met with so much hatred as it was in the west but it was still unfortunate. There were probably tons of couples that were equally unlucky — maybe even at their school.

"Then I'm gonna say it to you every day for the rest of your life."

Giggling, Yukiko lightly swatted her forearm. "Stop."

"Why? Why stop? I mean it."

"Stop because… it sounds… too good to be true. But I'll get used to this eventually, my Prince."

Then she surprised her by rolling over and straddling her lap, sliding her arms around Chie's shoulders. She only had time to blink before she was being kissed soundly by a delicate angel. Her mind went blank, her heart thudding hard in her chest as she wrapped her arms tightly around her and held her as close as was humanly possible, eyes closing to let the moment surround her rather than slip past like so many others.

A little at a time, she began to notice their hips were moving — a natural reaction. She broke the kiss to pant quietly, "I guess… if I had a dick, this would be leading to… something else."

"Y-yes, I… I suppose… that's true." She snickered. "And you just said you didn't want to be a boy."

"Well, I don't! But like, it would make at least one thing easier…"

"Important things don't always come easily, Prince. Now… do you want something more from me?"

"Oh… well…" Her hands slid down and began to knead Yukiko's ass cheeks. Their owner gasped, posture going rigid. "I could think of a few things."

"Nh! Chie, that's indecent!"

Dipping her head, she whispered, "Sorry! I was just trying to play with you, I don't… know what I'm doing."

"No, no, I'm sorry. It was… an instinct." Drawing back slightly, she tucked a wet strand behind her ear, then caught her towel as it began to slip off into the water. She seemed to decide its perch was precarious since they would be moving a lot more, and instead tossed it onto the nearby rocks. "I have been taught to never be immodest, you know. That's why my shadow… well, she was so…"

"Slutty?"

"Not my choice of words," she hedged, cheeks warming. "But yes. I suppose I've always wanted to be less inhibited." Her smile was tentative, but almost a little proud of itself. "I think I'm making great strides today. Don't you?"

God that smile was adorable. "Y-yeah, of course. You're so hot… and being so hot. Like, are you sure we're not about to get caught? I don't wanna randomly get you in trouble, or… like… force you to let everybody know how we are now."

"Oh? And… how are we?" Her eyebrow arched bemusedly.

"Y'know! Like…" After a moment, she pouted and glared. "You're trying to give me shit, but you're not any more used to the idea than I am, you jerk!"

Giggling, she nuzzled their noses together. "Okay, okay. Yuri. But you're right… I couldn't say it in front of anyone else. Oh — don't worry about intruders, I asked the staff to ensure we would have privacy."

"You did?! Really? Wow…" As Yukiko hugged her tighter, she shook her head. "You think of everything. Man, I wish I was smart like you."

"Chie-chan… I keep telling you, don't I? You are not stupid; you just don't apply yourself in your schoolwork. But if you did, you would be getting grades just as good as mine. Not saying you have to," she headed off the protests. "But you might want to consider studying with me more often. We'll spend more time together, and your grades will be better, and… then whatever your dream is, you can achieve it with the right education."

"Wow, okay, Mom," she goaded, poking her in the ribs. Instantly she squealed and tried to squirm away. "What? That's funny? You think it's funny, huh?!"

Yukiko squealed out "STOOOPAHAHAHAHA!" as she flailed around in the water. Which only made Chie want to poke her even more.

"You can't handle a little of this? Huh?"

"NOOOOHOHOHAHAHAHA!" she cackled, thrashing around and frothing the water with her limbs. Chie couldn't help continuing to punish her little ribs, laughing herself now. "CHIE!"

"Yeeeeeeeeaahh?"

Completely breathless now, she swatted her arm. "Cut that OUAAAHAHA! I can't- I can't breathe!"

Relenting, Chie simply embraced her, feeling that warmth sink into her bones — and not just from the water. This was a level of closeness, of complete emotional openness, that she had always wanted from Yukiko. She simply didn't have the language to ask for it. Maybe Yukiko didn't, either, since she had been raised to never inconvenience anyone and pushing the boundaries of their friendship definitely seemed to fit that category. Luckily, their shadows had conspired to push them together.

"I feel super lucky."

"Hm?" asked a still-breathless Yukiko.

"Uh… to have you, and like… be together. That stuff."

"Aww, such a poet."

Dipping her head, she muttered, "You don't have to be mean. But like, seriously, I know it's probably messed up to be grateful to our shadows, cuz like, they pretty much tried to kill us. Or would have, if we rejected them, but like… maybe that's…"

"Maybe it's what?"

"Maybe that part's not so weird. Like… it hurts to shut out part of yourself."

Yukiko nodded thoughtfully as she caressed up and down her lover's ribcage. "I would tend to agree. They did seem so grateful when we relented and stopped trying to argue against their being part of us."

"Right? And like, now I can feel them. Well, mine, anyway."

"The fighting spirit? Yes… it's like…" Pressing a hand to the center of Chie's chest, and causing the heart lying underneath to skip over a beat, she whispered, "I can feel Konohana Sakuya inside of me, but she cannot be given form anymore. That doesn't mean she's gone, though."

"Yeah. Do you think it's because we're in the real world, and not in the TV?"

"Very likely. We might see them again if we return to that other world."

"Mm." Simply breathing for a moment, she then whispered, "I don't think I want to go back. It's dangerous there, and… I already rescued my world. Got her right here."

Yukiko snickered softly. "What a line." Still, instead of goading her further, she left a light kiss on her lips. "But I feel the same, so perhaps I shouldn't tease."

"Yeah, cut that shit out. Just let me love you." She smirked a little before pushing her lips into Yukiko's again, humming with mingling interest… and relief. They felt the same. Maybe this whole situation wasn't so disastrous after all.

To Be Continued…

#We'll Face Ourselves #persona 4 fanfiction #forkanna writes #p4 fanfic #jess the writer #nsfw-text

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angelbabylu · 5 years

Text

Can We Just Talk? // AI

pairing: reader x ashton

warnings: angst, smut

word count: 9.1k

summary: lashton are brothers in this fic, reader & luke are best friends, reader is secretly fucking his brother

notes: about a month and a half ago i saw this picture of Luke and Ashton looking like brothers and i decided to write a smutty blurb about it. anyway here we are 9k later. this,,, is the filthiest thing i’ve ever written. its like only 4k actual plot the rest is smut. shout out to @baby-loba bc our hoe sessions inspired this fic tbh. It is only this nasty bc of you. also @aspiringwildfire for reading it & giving me advice before i posted. and @5sex-of-summa for finding the picture for the fic (and @5sosnsfw for trying lol). love you all

this fic is inspired by talk by khalid

The air turned heavy with anticipation. The second Luke got up and began walking away, both (Y/N) and Ashton had their eyes trained on his back, waiting for him to step out of view. When Luke rounded the corner, Ashton was on her. The hand that had previously been resting on her thigh crept closer to her heat and his mouth attached to her neck, lightly teasing the skin there.

“Fuck,” She groaned out, so overwhelmed she could barely keep her voice down. Silently, she thanked whatever deity was watching that the TV played loud enough to drown out her moans.

Moving to another spot on her neck, Ashton whispered, “You brought this upon yourself, baby girl.”

About three hours before, (Y/N) had received a text from Luke that simply asked movie night?

She had texted back immediately with yes!! can i stay the night?

Movie nights had always been a staple of her and Luke’s relationship, but only recently had she begun getting so eager to spend the night. If Luke noticed, he hadn’t said anything. Perhaps he thought it had something to do with how lonely she got in that apartment by herself. That was only half of the truth.

The other half was that she liked what it meant for her and Luke’s older brother.

She had met Luke when they were both freshmen in Communication 101, bonding over their love for classic rock and their dreams of working in the music industry one day. She wanted to be in management and Luke wanted to produce music like his older brother. (Y/N) didn’t meet said brother until she followed Luke to LA, unable to fathom her life without him.

She remembered the day she met this brother very clearly. She was sweaty and disgruntled, unused to the boiling LA heat. Having been there for years already, he was seemingly unaffected.

The first thing he said to her was, “Are these yours or Luke’s?” signaling the boxes stacked on the right side of the U-Haul. As if she wasn’t hot enough, he had her flushing hotter. She could definitely see the family resemblance - the curly hair, the square jaw, the pronounced chin - but when he smiled, her heart reminded her that this was definitely not Luke.

“Those are Lu’s.”

“Cool,” he nodded. “I’m Ashton by the way.”

They lasted all of one year before they started fucking each other.

Luke, of course, had no idea. She and Ashton weren’t anything serious, so there was no need to concern Luke with the idea of sharing his best friend with his older brother or vice versa. And sometimes the struggle of always being around Luke, unable to touch each other, made their relationship even hotter. They were always finding ways to rile each other up without Luke noticing.

Like earlier that night, for example.

When she first got to the house, Luke was in the theater room flicking through movies on Amazon, while Ashton was in the kitchen preparing snacks. Instead of helping Luke with his choice, she lied, “I need to go to the bathroom,” and immediately made a beeline for the kitchen.

Ashton was standing with his back to her in a black sleeveless shirt, chopping a pineapple into small bite-sized pieces. She paused for a second, eyes trained on the swell of his bicep as his hand worked the knife, she could tell he had been working out.

“Are you just going to stand there and watch me from the doorway?” He asked, snapping her out of her bicep fantasy.

(Y/N) let out a small chuckle before silently crossing the kitchen floor to him. She knew her and Ash were just friends with benefits, but moments like this made it easy to forget.

As soon as she got behind him, she placed both hands on his waist, got on her tiptoes, and placed a kiss gently on the side of his cheek. A feeling of warmth spread through her chest as he leaned into her. Then, he turned his head just as she moved to the side, both in sync, both bringing their lips together for the first of many times that night.

“Hey,” she greeted as they parted. She slid away and moved to stand at the counter to his right, close enough that his arms brushed hers when he resumed his pineapple chopping. Grabbing a slice, she slipped it into her mouth.

She didn’t miss the way his eyes flicked down to her mouth, watching as she licked the dripping pineapple juice from her fingers. When the air in the room went heavy, (Y/N) was not surprised. It was like this whenever they were around each other. There was something about being in each others presence that brought a cackle of electricity.

“I’ve got a surprise for you.” She said, the bashfulness of her voice contradicting what she was about to do. “I’m going to need to borrow your hand for a second.”

He shot her a questioning look but pulled his hands away from the pineapple slices nonetheless. A small, lopsided smirk began playing on his lips, enough that she could see the slight indent of a dimple.

“My fingers are a little sticky.” He wasn’t sly. She knew exactly what he wanted.

She grabbed his hand, stepped closer, and said, “That’s okay, I can take care of that for you,” before bringing his fingers up to her lips. This wasn’t a part of her plan, but to say she had a thing for his fingers would be an understatement. She pulled three fingers into her mouth, loving how he immediately took over, pressing on her tongue as she licked and sucked around them.

“I’m assuming this wasn’t the surprise?” he asked, eyes locked on her lips as she switched out the three fingers for his thumb.

She shook her head, tongue circling the thumb. When she pulled it out, a small translucent strand of saliva still connected them. She licked her lips to break it.

“Nah, that was just a little extra,” she admitted with a wink. Ashton was always so responsive to her ministrations, it made her bold.

She moved the hand away from her mouth and slowly guided it down to the edge of her t-shirt dress, eyes locked with his the entire time. He took over, other hand coming to join the first, pulling her flush against his chest as he took a moment to enjoy the feeling of her skin under his fingers. It only took a few seconds before he realized the surprise she was showing him. He groaned, grabbed her ass in both hands, and pulled her even closer to him.

“Fuck,” he grunted, hands skimming up and down her lower back confirming, “You’re not wearing any panties.”

She nodded her head against his chest. “Wanted to make it easy for you,” she murmured. Her breath hitched as a large hand gripped her ass cheek and pulled before lightly gave it a light slap. “So, we don’t have to waste any time when Luke finally falls asleep.”

“How the fuck,” Ashton responded through gritted teeth, “Am I supposed to sit through this movie knowing you’re right next to me with no panties on?”

She looked up at him, bit her lip and shrugged. “But speaking of movies, I better go back to the theater room before Luke starts wondering where I am.”

As she pulled away, he shot her look that told her she would pay for teasing him like that later.

It was later, and she was paying.

Knowing Luke wouldn’t be in the kitchen for long, Ashton made quick work of wetting his fingers and pressing them on her clit. The feeling had her gasping, throwing her head back, and biting her lips to control her moans.

“Wish I could eat you out, baby.” He whispered, lips brushing against the column of her throat. “Wish we had more than a couple of minutes so I could get down and eat you out right here. You wouldn’t be able to sit through another movie night without thinking about my fingers and tongue inside you.”

He had a filthy mouth; she had a love-hate relationship with it. She loved listening to him talk but hated how he just had to breathe one word, and she’d be wet and pliant for him.

“Or maybe next time I’ll get you a vibrator, pretend I don’t realize how I’m ruining you while you struggle to stay quiet and still so Luke and I can enjoy the movie.”

Whining, she bucked her hips up, begging for more than the glide of his fingers between her folds, craving those fingers inside her. Grabbing the arm that was working her pussy, she dug her nails in hoping that he’d oblige.

He didn’t. Instead, he kept teasing.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Love struggling to stay quiet with a vibe inside you?”

And he really didn’t have to ask. He knew how much the thrill of getting caught made this thing with him even hotter.

But she whined, “Yeah,” anyway. Her breath hitching as his fingers finally slid inside her. Her other hand settled on his thigh with an iron grip. She needed something to hold on to - everything was too overwhelming.

Her next whine was interrupted by the sound of the microwave beeping in the kitchen.

Ashton was off her in an instant. He licked his fingers - reminiscent of that moment they had shared in the kitchen - before moving away and grabbing his phone. She gasped at the loss of him, at how quickly he had shifted off of her and took on a cavalier demeanor at his end of the couch.

Without even looking back at her, he said, “You might wanna cover up, baby.”

She was still struggling to compose herself, but she pulled her dress down, crossed her legs, and threw the blanket back over her for good measure. She had hoped that she could catch her breath, that she could control the flush on her face before Luke made it down the hallway and back into the TV room.

No such luck.

When Luke walked in, he took one look at her and asked, “Are you okay? You look flushed.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, hoping she didn’t sound too breathy. “But maybe we should head to bed after this movie? I’m a little tired.”

Luke shrugged, “Yeah I have an early day in the studio, anyway.”

For the second time that night she thanked whatever deity was up there looking out for her, helping her get laid.

The rest of the movie was a blur. Ash was a steady presence beside (Y/N), his hand resting on her thigh under the blanket, reminding her of what they could be doing that very moment. Luke was on the other side of her, reminding her why they couldn’t.

The half an hour it took for the credits to roll in was torture. It felt like every minute, Ashton’s hand would creep higher and higher up her thigh.

She knew he wouldn’t try anything - not with Luke draped against her. Too much movement on either of their part would alert Luke to what was going on. As much as a part of her wanted to say “fuck it,” wanted to drag Ashton upstairs, to let him have his way with her, it would be better for everyone if she waited patiently for the end of that half an hour instead.

When the movie was over, she and Ashton were out of their seats immediately. She grabbed Luke’s hand, trying to pull him off the couch and up the stairs.

“Let’s go to sleep,” she whined, hoping he wouldn’t see through the fake yawn that followed.

When he yawned in return, she counted it as a win. He still didn’t move from his spot on the couch, however, suggesting instead, “We should at least help Ashton clean up first.”

Ashton shook his head, already picking up the trays with a few pieces of fruit still leftover. “‘S okay, I got it.”

“You sure?”

Luke looked surprised. (Y/N) didn’t understand why - Ashton was always cleaning up after them. It was kind of his love language, these little acts of service.

“Thanks, Ash. Love you,” Luke chimed, finally standing up.

Ashton rolled his eyes in response. But they had a rule about always repeating the sentiment when one of them said I Love You, so as (Y/N) and Luke ascended the stairs, they were accompanied by the sound of Ashton calling “Love you too. Goodnight,” after them.

Luke and (Y/N) had done it so much lately, getting ready for bed together was almost routine. They spent about a half an hour together in the bathroom, brushing their teeth, washing their faces, and applying the various creams and serums of their nightly routine, all the while chatting about everything from industry gossip to what Luke should do with his hair. As Luke talked, she could lend him no more than half an ear, her mind consumed with thoughts of Ash, wondering if he was already in his bedroom waiting for her.

She wondered if he would take some time to rile himself up while he waited. Maybe he was sitting on his bed, idly playing with his dick, hissing as his fingers ran over it, knowing that his hands could never do her pussy or her mouth justice. Her mouth watered just thinking about it. She needed to get to him as soon as possible.

It took Luke all but screaming her name for her to snap out of this fantasy.

“You okay?” He asked, obviously concerned about her uncharacteristic spaciness.

Knowing she couldn’t very well say, “Sorry, I’m thinking about fucking your brother,” she shrugged and mumbled, “Just tired, I guess.”

Luke led them both out of the bathroom, shutting off the lights behind them. “Let’s get you to bed.”

Eagerly, she bounded towards the bed, lifted the covers, and slipped in. When Luke slipped in beside her, she breathed out a sigh of relief. She hoped he would fall asleep quickly so she could sneak from his bed and into the room right next to his.

About ten minutes later, she got her wish. Luke’s breath was coming out in short huffs which usually indicated that he was asleep. “Luke?” she tested. When he didn’t respond, she snuck from underneath the covers, making her way out his door and over to Ashton’s.

Ashton had been waiting for her. He must have heard her footsteps approaching because before she could even knock, he was opening the door and pulling her in. He had to be careful closing the door behind her, knowing that a slam could wake Luke easily - and waking up alone to a noise coming from elsewhere in the house would mean Luke coming to investigate. That was the last thing either of them wanted.

“God, I wish I could be rougher with you,” Ashton groaned, pushing her lighter than he wished against the door. He grabbed both ass cheeks immediately, kneading them in his large hands. “Wish I take you hard and fast until the headboard was slamming against the wall and you were screaming my name.”

The very idea of it had her squirming and moaning, pushing back against his large hands, hating the way he riled her up with no way of making good on his promises. She thought maybe the following day they could meet at her place, be as loud and as rough as they wanted to. She didn’t get the chance to suggest it before he’s wetting his finger and bringing it to her hole. Rubbing around, he was surprised to find her already a little wet with anticipation. He pushed the digit inside her, playing with her for a moment, darting in and out of her, loving the way she pushed back, trying to get the finger deeper.

As much as she loved getting fingered by him, she was horny, and this was not what she came for. She reached a hand behind her, rubbing down the front of him, trying to get a hand on his dick. He was only in his boxers, which made it easier for her to grip and rub it.

“Let’s take this to the bed maybe?” she suggested, words heavy with desire.

His finger slipped out of her; then, he grabbed her arm and pulled her towards the bed, pushing her down to lay on her back. He grabbed her waist lining her up with the edge of the bed where he knelt before her.

“You have to be quiet,” he reminded, hands roaming up and down her thighs. This was a game they played. He liked to see just how much he could drive her crazy as she struggled to remain silent.

She bit her lip and nodded, “I can stay quiet,” but he threw her a skeptical look.

“One sound and I stop,” he warned, and with the warning still in his hazel eyes, he bowed and took to her heat.

She had to bite her lips to keep from crying out right away, squirming as he flattened his tongue and licked between her folds.

He licked a broad stripe over her pussy, coming a to stop at the clit, bringing it in between lips and sucking. She wasn’t expecting it, the pressure was too much - she had to bring her hand up to her mouth, covering it to prevent a cry. She could all but see him smirk at her reactions. He knew it was a matter of time before she couldn’t contain her screams anymore.

She tried. She did. She bit her hand, and her tongue and her cheek, bucking as he dragged his tongue back and forth against her. She could hardly breathe. One hand reached down to grip his hair for purchase, as she tried to lift her hips off the bed, chasing more of that sinful tongue laving over her pussy.

When he took her by surprise, sucking her clit into his mouth once more, both hands went to his hair, and she cried out, “Fuck, Ashton.”

She was so caught up in the heat of him, she didn’t realize what she’d done until he was off her, looking unimpressed.

“Sorry,” she whispered. “I’ll be good, I promise.”

But it was too late. Ashton got what he wanted. She was always wound so tight in her everyday life, he loved that in bed he could get her to be less than perfect. And she loved the feeling of giving up control, something she had a hard time doing outside these moments with him.

“Turn over,” he ordered, standing up to remove his boxers as she rolled onto her stomach and got up on her knees, face pressed up against the sheets, ass waving in the air. When he looked up from where he had kicked his boxers off to find her ass in the air, he groaned and grabbed it for the third time that night. To say he was an ass man would be an understatement.

She wasn’t sure when he had rolled a condom on, but she felt his plastic clad dick pushing into her. When his dick bottomed out, she could already feel herself becoming overwhelmed with the feeling of him inside her. Her toes curled, and her hands reached out grip the sheets. When he started fucking into her, she knew that she would have a hard time staying quiet.

With every stroke she had to make an effort to control her moans, bringing her hand to cover her mouth, biting the sheet below her, holding her breath. None of this made a difference when Ashton began picking up speed, pounding into her.

She was whining lowly, twisting, trying to take him deeper, when he grunted, “You gotta be quiet, baby girl.”

And she nodded, but she really couldn’t control herself, each other breath drawing a moan or gasp or whine from her.

Eventually, Ashton flattened himself against her, strokes becoming shallow and slow. He brought his lips to her ear and whispered, “Shh, Luke’s gonna hear you.”

She shook her head against his. “Can’t.”

The sensations were too much. She couldn’t control herself.

“Just gonna have to help you out then.”

He pulled out of her, and she gasped whining at the loss of contact. Then he was flipping her over, leaning over her on the bed, realigning himself and pushing into her. This time, he had one hand braced beside her head, twisting in the sheets, the other came to curl around her throat.

There was something about his fingers around her neck that quieted her. Maybe it was just the sheer act of dominance that down, causing her to submit in every way. It brought her feelings inward, bringing awareness to how her entire body was aflame.

It felt so good to have him pounding into her while she was unable to breathe. She could feel her orgasm building, and by the look on his face, his orgasm was coming too.

When she came, her whole body seized, squeezing down on his dick. That had him chasing his own orgasms, a few pounds into her before he was coming too.

He rolled off her slowly, pulling off the condom, tying it, and placing it in the trash. When he came back to lie down next to her, he caressed her face, running his thumb over the light sheen of sweat that had collected on her upper lip and pressing a small chaste kiss on her lips.

“Was that okay?” he asked, fingers rubbing at where they were choking a few minutes before.

(Y/N) nodded, knowing that he liked checking up on her after getting particularly rough.

He searched her face, making sure she wasn’t just saying it, making sure she was actually alright, before saying “Good,” and capturing her lips again for a kiss.

This time it was filthy, tongue dipping into her mouth, rubbing against hers.

“We should get under the covers maybe?” He suggested. Then he gestured to both their states of varying undress. “I mean I’m cold.” He didn’t have anything on, but she was still wearing her dress, bunched up at her hips.

She chuckled but shook her head. She did consider it very briefly. Since they’d started fucking, she had gotten kind of addicted to the feeling of his arms around her. But, she knew she couldn’t, Ashton knew she couldn’t, not when Luke had fallen asleep with her in his bed an hour before.

Sitting up she said, “Gotta get back before Luke notices I’m gone.”

She saw the moment his face fell and fought to ignore the tightening of her chest. Leaning down, she moved for one final kiss. “We can do something tomorrow night?” she suggested, remembering her earlier idea. “You can come over, and you can get as rough as you want and we can even cuddle after.”

“Yeah,” he breathed out, in a manner that almost sounds like relief, burying his hand in her hair and pulling her down for that last kiss.

When Luke left early the next morning, (Y/N) almost left too. She had an entire morning routine - gym, breakfast, then work, like clockwork, every morning. Yet, all it took was her being in the same house as Ashton to get thrown off her game. She felt pathetic just sitting around for him to wake up, so she ended up making herself some breakfast. It was nothing fancy - just a smoothie from the leftover fruit in the fridge and an English muffin.

She had the blender on high when Ashton emerged from his bedroom, coming to greet her in the kitchen. She didn’t hear him coming up behind her, so the hand on her waist and the kiss to her hair was a surprise.

“Morning,” he mumbled, sleep still evident in his voice. He released her and moved over to the dishwasher to grab a cup. “What are you still doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the gym?”

“Just woke up,” she lied, figuring that sounded infinitely less pathetic than I couldn’t bring myself to leave without seeing you.

He smiled as he filled his cup with water from the fridge door. It was a knowing smile, one that told her he was well aware she hadn’t just woken up. Before he could call her out on her lie, she asked, “Do you want to do lunch?”

“Sorry,” he responded, causing a cloud of disappointment to settle over her. “I have lunch with an artist. But I’ll be by your place tonight, okay?”

She obviously didn’t do a good job of hiding said disappointment, because he was crossing the kitchen floor to grab her chin, forcing her to make eye contact with him. “Don’t be sad,” he said, kissing her once on the lips. “I’ll more than make up for it tonight.”

She had lunch with Calum instead.

“Speaking of Ashton.”

That was a mistake.

“Were we speaking of Ashton?” She asked throwing him a look of irritation. They were not. He had waited until there was a lull in the conversation to spring the topic on her.

Which really could only mean one thing.

With a sigh and a roll of her eyes, she said, “He told you.”

Calum at least had the decency to look apologetic. “Sorry,” he said. “But to be fair, you had to know he was going to tell me.”

She opened her mouth to argue but couldn’t. Ashton and Calum were very big on openness and honesty with each other. Ashton keeping a secret from Calum was rare, unheard of even. She should have expected it, but that didn’t mean she was any less annoyed by it.

“To be honest,” She joked as a means of hiding her frustration. “I’m surprised he didn’t roll over and text you immediately after he finished. He at least waited until he got me off first. I’m proud of him for that.”

The joking also kept the bubbling anxieties at bay. It quieted the voice in the back of her mind trying to tell her that one more person in on her secret was one additional variable she had to keep track of. Being with Ashton made her feel out of control enough. She loved it in the moment but, at times like these, the lack of control burned a hole in her chest.

Unfortunately for her, Calum sobered the conversation. “You’re not mad that I know, right?”

She didn’t know how to respond. Yes, she was mad, but she was trying very hard not to be.

“It’s me. I’m not going to tell anybody.”

And she knew that. There were definitely worse people that Ashton could have told. But at the same time. . .

“I don’t know, Cal. I was kind of hoping it would be just between him and me.”

“Why? This group has never kept secrets from each other. I know intimate details about both your sex lives. What makes this time any different?”

She sighed.

She had forgotten who she was talking to.

This was Calum Psychoanalyst Hood, and she was ever his favorite patient. She had a habit of ignoring her feelings and making bad decisions, and he had the habit of pointing them out. But never in an upfront manner. He preferred to let her know he was concerned about the way she was acting without letting her know why. She hated it; she had a reason for ignoring those feelings in the first place.

They were interrupted then by the waiter shuffling towards the table to ask if everything was okay with their meals. She clammed up as Calum said, “Everything is great, thank you.”

The waiter brought a brief reprieve to their conversation, both of them taking a moment of silence to begin eating again. This did not last long. Both her and Calum were too confrontational as people to just leave the conversation be.

She cracked first.

“Maybe I didn’t want him to tell you because I thought you’d make a big deal about it and do something like, I don’t know, ruin our lunch by terrorizing me about it.”

“I’m not terrorizing you. Two of my best friends are fucking each other and keeping it a secret for some reason. I can’t help but be concerned.”

“What’s concerning? There’s no need to be concerned. It’s just two adult friends having frequent consensual sex with each other. No need to be concerned.”

It felt hypocritical for Calum to be concerned about this. He had many different friends with benefits arrangements. She did too, and so did Ashton. Why would it be a problem now?

As she looked up into deep brown eyes, heavy with apprehension, she knew, one way or another, that she was about to find out.

Calum was silent for a beat, letting her anger seethe while he took a bite of his sandwich and a sip of his water.

Then he said, “Am I correct in assuming that the reason you don’t want Mikey or I to know is that because you’re afraid that Luke will find out?”

Oh right, Luke.

That was the one thing she worried could blow up in her face. But she couldn’t just tell Luke. There were so many reasons why Luke could react badly. Most notably was the fact that she and Luke had become inseparable in the last few years. Luke had gone through a lot of shit with his ex in their final year of college and (Y/N) was his crutch throughout the aftermath. When they left for LA a year ago (just a few months after Luke broke up with his girlfriend), Luke had been friendless, depressed, and was a borderline alcoholic. She spent months picking up the pieces. There are moments from his rehabilitation that still haunted her; moments where Luke’s newfound abandonment issues were out in full force. She had been the last of their old friend group to stick with him, and while Luke never said it outright, she knew he was afraid of losing her too.

He was a lot better now, but she could see how he might think this thing with Ashton meant losing her. Was it so terrible that she wanted to enjoy her relationship and spare Luke’s feelings at the same time?

As if the thought of Luke finding out wasn’t haunting enough, Calum followed up with, “Well, afraid probably isn’t the right word since you guys keep almost having sex around him.”

That comment wasn’t particularly fair. Yeah, she and Ashton frequently teased each other in Luke’s presence, but they were careful about it.

(She didn’t want to think about how careful had a habit of flying out the window with Ashton around.)

“You guys might want to stop that if keeping Luke in the dark is truly your aim.”

And there he went, being cryptic again without explaining himself. She felt irritation building like an itch, and she had to scratch. She couldn’t let him continue.

“What the fuck do you mean if it’s truly my aim?” She asked, voice low, ever aware of how easy it was for her to get loud. “You know I hate it when you psychoanalyze me like that.”

“I’m just saying,” Calum pushed back. The intensity of his voice matched hers, but without the underlying anger and irritation. “That the part of you that so desperately wants no one to know needs to have a conversation with the part of you that’s itching to get caught.”

She pushed her bowl away. She was done. With the food and the conversation. She hated that Calum brought up such good points about the incongruity of her actions. She wished that he would just tell her what he thought it all meant.

She said as much to him, “Well since you know me so well, why don’t you tell me what I really want.”

“(Y/N), I know you dislike thinking about your emotions, but this is one thing you’re going to have to figure out yourself.”

Conversations like this were such a commonplace in her and Calum’s relationship, he recognized the moment she reached her breaking point.

“Go,” he said, and she stood immediately.

One day she would learn to sit and fully finish an argument without having to run away or having to change the topic of conversation. For now, she behaved as she always had. She stored everything Calum had said in the back of her mind, ready to spend her day thinking it over, stood up and grabbed her things.

“Love you,” said Calum before she could walk away.

It was times like this where their dumb little rule about always saying “I love you” back was so important. When she and Calum had an honest conversation like this, his “Love you” served as a way to remind her that he said what he had because he cared.

She parroted her, “Love you, too.” It released her of all the negative feelings that arose and reminded her that their friendship was much more profound than her mild irritation.

As she passed by his chair on the way to the exit, she stopped. She placed a tiny kiss to his hair, smiling as he leaned into it.

That the part of you that so desperately wants no one to know needs to have a conversation with the part of you that’s itching to get caught.

Calums words ran through her mind all day. Did a part of her want to get caught? She didn’t think so. It was probably more accurate to say there was a magnetism about Ashton that made her throw all caution to the wind. That was the bigger issue. She was so consumed by her thirst for him, that she constantly forgot herself.

Had this been anyone else, had she been in her right mind, she would not have allowed it to continue for as long as it did. She knew what she had to do - she had to take control. What she and Ashton needed were boundaries.

But boundaries were easier said than done.

She was sitting on her living room sofa hours after her lunch with Calum. She ruminated on what he had said, a glass of wine in one hand, the rest of the bottle sitting in wait of its consumption atop her coffee table. In her other hand was her phone. She had been staring blindly at it for a few seconds now. She hadn’t decided yet whether to take snapchat up on their offer to respond or their offer to replay.

She said, “Fuck it,” aloud to herself, then tapped replay.

As the video started, all she could see was Ashton’s hand and in it was a tiny, purple, egg-shaped device with a small hook curving off of it, and an equally small remote. She felt heat pool in the pit of her stomach immediately. Her eyes hadn’t deceived her the first time - he was, in fact, holding a vibrator.

“Hey baby,” his voice came rolling through the speakers, gruff, sexy, and commanding as always. “Couldn’t stop thinking about you today. Thinking about how you’d look with a vibrator in you as you sat through one of our movie nights, trying to keep your whines quiet.”

He rolled the device back and forth between his fingers as he spoke.

“The thought of you being quiet for me, being a good girl for me, got me so worked up that I had to stop by the store on the way home. I bought us a vibrator.”

She was expecting the camera flip this time, ready when Ashton’s face popped up on screen. The phone was close enough to his face that she could feel the lust in those deep hazels burning through the phone. “And luckily for us, the boys wanna hang out tonight, so what do you say?”

She bit down the part of her that so desperately wanted to say yes and overwrote it with reminders of Luke and why boundaries were necessary.

Ashton, she typed out, holding her breath as his little bitmoji popped into the chat. I don’t think we should do these things around Luke anymore.

As soon as he read her message, he was facetiming her. She declined the call immediately, worried that he would be more than capable of convincing her to go against personal interest.

So instead of getting a conversation face to face, he got a text message. We don’t need to talk about this Ash.

I think we do.

She took one look at the bubble at the bottom of the screen that indicated Ashton was typing and decided that she really didn’t want to hear it. Acting on pure instinct, she turned off her phone and threw it on the couch just opposite her.

Going wireless for the night had not been the plan, this conversation with Ashton definitely was not the plan, but she decided to use it to her advantage. Picking up her laptop, she began catching up on some work, all the while desperately trying to distract herself.

Nearly eight o’ clock, two hours later, her efforts prove to be a success. She was so caught up in the analysis she was doing for work, she didn’t even think when she heard a knock on the door.

After picking up her glass of wine and draining the last of it, she absentmindedly moved towards her door.

“Who is it,” she asked stopping just shy of the knob, hand already outstretched.

“It’s us.” The gruff, unmistakable sound of Ashton’s voice had her pausing in surprise.

Fuck.

Her only consolation was that he said “It’s us,” and not “It’s me,” which could mean Luke was there. And Luke would make a great barrier between her and Ashton if needed.

She tried to steady the shaking of her hands as she reached out and opened the door. Standing there were Luke, Ashton, and Michael, all portraying varying emotions. Luke, as always, looked happy to see her, Michael looked his usual excited puppy-like self, but Ashton, she could feel the anger rolling off of him in waves.

“What the fuck, (Y/N)!”

Yeah, he was angry.

Her immediate response was to go on the defensive. “Don’t come into my fucking apartment and yell at me, dick face!”

Ashton ignored her and barreled into past her. Luke and Michael followed him in, shutting the door behind them. They stopped and stood, each of them flanking her as they watched Ashton go on his tirade.

“Where the fuck is your phone? Why haven’t you been answering any of our calls? We thought something happened to you, asshole.”

Before she could react, go to that place of anger and annoyance, Luke stopped them, stepping forward between her and Ashton. “Relax,” he called over his shoulder at Ashton. Placing both hands on her shoulder, he asked softly, “You okay, bubs? Was kind of worried when you didn’t answer any of my calls.”

“Sorry,” she mumbled, allowing herself to be pulled into a hug. “My phone was off. I wanted to get some work done.”

The look Ashton shot her over her shoulder said he saw right through her lie. He knew she was trying to avoid him. She closed her eyes to it and buried her face in Luke’s neck.

Michael, in true Michael-like fashion, ignored all the tension in the room and announced, “She’s okay, just like I said she’d be. Can we go get food now?”

She must have been a pit stop on their way.

Luke pulled away from her, looking her in the eyes. “As long as you’re okay?”

She smiled, heart warmed by Luke’s concern. “I’m okay.” She promised. “I just wanted to get some work done. I’ll definitely let someone know next time.”

And that was enough for Luke. Looking past his shoulders, her eyes caught Ashton. That was not enough for him. He still looked furious, the intensity of his stare burning holes through her.

“You guys go ahead.” This was the first thing he’d said all night that rich with anger. “I need to talk to (Y/N).”

She hated the way that turned her on. She knew he was still angry. The thought of being alone with him and that anger should make her nervous, but instead it made her want to fall to her knees, have him use her until he wasn't angry anymore.

There were mumbled “okays” and “goodbyes.” Michael and Luke both hugged her and, before she knew it, they were alone.

She sat down and poured herself another glass of wine from the already half empty bottle. She was going to need it for this conversation. Ashton had already started pacing.

Three sips in and he was still pacing. God, she hated how hot his anger got her. She always thought that if she got into a relationship like this, based so heavily on passion, she would match her partner, anger for anger. But here she was, ready to submit if it meant getting what she wanted.

“Ash,” she began.

He didn’t even look at her.

She did not like that.

“I shouldn’t have turned off my phone, I get it. But I didn’t want to have a conversation about it. I didn’t want you trying to convince me.”

His head snapped around, eyes finally meeting hers. There was that animalistic passion again, burning bright in his eyes. “We have to talk about shit, (Y/N). This isn’t going to work if you refuse to communicate with me.”

She had to resist the urge to roll her eyes. It just wasn’t that serious. It wasn’t like she was ending their arrangement. It was one small boundary. Putting her glass down, she sauntered up to him, stopping him in his tracks. She had other ideas about how he could use his anger.

“I’m sorry.” She reached one hand out, running it down his chest, allowing her nails to claw at him through the soft cotton material of his shirt.

He grabbed her hand and placed it back at her side. “Stop trying to distract me.”

Stepping even closer, she put both hands on his chest this time. “I’m just trying to apologize,” she said, letting her want spill over into her voice. She could feel his resolve breaking in the way his chest heaved beneath her fingers. She knew what would push him over the edge.

“Let me show you how sorry I am, daddy.” Dropping to her knees, she pouted, looked up at him underneath long, fanning eyelashes and breathed, “Please.”

That was all it took.

He swore and hastily undid his belt, shucking both his jeans and his underwear off to the floor. She watched, entranced, as he took his dick into his hands, pumping it twice. Her mouth watered at the thought of swallowing him down, getting him hard.

“God, look at you,” he groaned, one hand coming to rest at the nape of her neck. “You’re gagging for it.”

She whined and nodded, showing him just how desperate she was for it. She pushed his hand away and took over. Starting at the base of his cock, she licked a stripe to the top, moaning as she got to the head and sucked it into her mouth.

“Shit,” he whispered. A hand came to rest at her nape as she bobbed up and down a few times before finally taking him down to the hilt.

When she came back up again, spat on his tip and murmured, “Fucking love your cock,” using her thumb to spread her spit over the head.

She loved putting on a show for him like this, wanton and begging, because she loved the feel of his attention entirely on her. It also got him hard like crazy. It didn’t take long before she could feel him start to fill up her mouth. His breath was coming in pants from above her as he surrendered completely to her ministrations.

She was moaning on his dick, taking him down as far as she could go, when he stopped her.

“Baby girl,” He moaned out, hand tightening in her hair. She didn’t want to stop. Ignoring his words, she sucked him down until she was choking on him, hands coming up to play with his balls.

She couldn’t help the feeling of satisfaction as he cried out “Fuck.” He got a tight grip in her hair pulled. She whined and released him then, head rearing back to lessen the pain.

“Let’s take this to the room,” He commanded, bringing the hand from her hair to rest on her chin. Gently, he nudged her to standing height and pressed a soft kiss on her spit soaked lips. “Need to fuck you.”

She threw her arm around him and drew him down into a deeper kiss. Sliding her tongue against his, they took a minute to re-acquaint themselves with the taste of each other. He ended the kiss with a nip against her plump bottom lip.

“Bedroom,” he demanded. “Now.”

He stepped out of his boxers and pants before following her down the hall and into her room. On her way there, she removed her shirt and shimmied out of her pants, both items of clothing tossed over her shoulder haphazardly. Thank god she lived alone.

When they both got to the bedroom, Ashton pulled his shirt off, his last article of clothing, and came to stand in front of her. His lips immediately went to her neck, gently tracing down the side of it, stopping to nibble at her shoulders. His hands traveled down her waist, exploring everywhere, dipping into and out of her underwear.

“I’m still mad at you,” he grumbled.

She rolled her eyes but resisted quipping back for fear that it would set him off on his tirade again.

“We’re going to have to talk if we want this thing to work.” He continued, this time spoken from the spot beneath her ear.

Sighing, she pulled away from him and looked up into hazel eyes.

“I’ll be sure to talk to you next time,” she lied. “I promise.”

That was exactly what he needed to hear. He brought his large hands down to cup her ass, lifting her up, causing her legs to wrap around him on instinct.

“Thank you,” he said, before kissing her again, filthy and deep. She almost felt sorry for lying to him, but she knew that the best way to take control back from someone like Ashton, was to let him think he still had it.

He walked to the edge of the bed and gently deposited her on top of her comforter, mouth never once leaving hers.

“You gonna be loud for me tonight, baby?” He asked when they separated from each other. His words brought electricity back to the air, their usual passion burning bright.

She nodded eagerly in response. There was no need for secrecy between them tonight, no Luke to cause her to hold back her moans.

He nudged her to her stomach and pulled at her hips, bringing her to her knees. “Let’s get this off,” he said, slapping her cotton covered ass once gently before thumbing underneath her panties and pushing them off.

He wasted no time bringing a finger to her entrance. He slid inside her easily, pussy already dripping for him. His finger pumped in and out of her a few times before he brought another finger up to join the first. The feeling of his fingers was both too much and not enough. She loved his fingers, but she wanted more. She wanted to be full with him. She wanted his dick inside her.

She was about to complain when his fingers bent just right, and he hit that spot inside her that had her crying out. She arched her back and moaned at the feeling, “Fuck, Ashton.”

He hummed, pulling out his fingers, but dived down immediately to replace them with his tongue. He licked into her, laving between her folds, all the while her hands twisted and pulled at her comforter.

Without the pressure of being quiet that night, she chanted his praises, letting him know how good he felt. She allowed herself get so lost in the feeling of Ashton’s tongue on and inside her, when he came up for air she heard herself whine pathetically at the loss.

Chuckling, he bit her ass cheek then sucked until she was sure he had left a bright red mark she wouldn’t be able to ignore tomorrow. He liked eating her out from behind for precisely this reason. It was rare for her to walk away from Ashton without at least a couple of bruises on her ass.

He slapped the cheek twice, each time landing on the already painful bruise he had sucked. She felt her body quiver at the sting of it. She moaned his name, “Ash.”

“Ready for me to fuck you, babe?”

She could feel her whole body jerk with how heavily she nodded her head. The warmth of Ashton’s body disappeared from behind her for a moment as he reached over into her bedside table rummaging for a condom. She panted and pushed her ass back in anticipation.

With the condom rolled on, he returned his attention to her, crawling onto the bed behind her, grabbing her hips, and aligning himself with her before pushing in.

He started off slow, allowing them both to get used to that feeling of him buried deep inside her. She encouraged movement, pushing back against him, writhing impatiently, and gasping, “Fuck me, Ash.”

That was all it took for him to take charge. He grabbed her hips and established a rhythm as he slammed into her. The room filled with the sounds of sex. Each thrust was punctuated by the slap of their skin and her voice as she repeatedly screamed his name. She got loud for him, letting him know how good he made her feel, how she loved the feeling of his dick deep in her pussy.

She wasn’t surprised to feel her orgasm building. She had been worked up since the second he started yelling at her that night. When she came, her whole body clenched, and her knees gave out underneath her. He followed her down, dick still deep inside her. He slowed his thrusts while the waves of her orgasm passed, then grunted at how limp and pliant she was underneath him.

Pulling out of her, he flipped her over. He crawled over her, realigned himself, and pushed back into her. She cried out, loving how sensitive she was from her orgasm. She knew he was close too, they had done this long enough that she recognized that look on his face.

She brought a hand up and ran it through dyed red hair before pulling him down for a kiss.

That was the wrong move.

Instantly, she was consumed with the intimacy of the moment. There was nothing dirty and animalistic about the way he licked into her mouth. This felt like a different kind of passion, and that scared her like no other. He pulled away from her to look her in the eyes.

“I love this,” he confessed, one hand coming up to brush away the hair that was sticking to her face, his hips still snapping into her, his thrusts deeper and slower now. “Love doing this with you. I feel so connected to you.”

“I-” she started, but she didn’t get to finish because he was crying out, his hips stuttering to a stop as he came inside her.

He buried his face in her neck, breathing in the heady scent there as he climaxed inside her. They both laid still for a few seconds after he came, breathing in each other and basking in the afterglow. Seconds later he rolled away, tying off his condom and throwing it in her bedside trash bin.

She paid no attention to what she was doing. Her mind was far away. She allowed herself to be moved pliantly as he came back next to her and laid her on his chest.

“I” she had begun to say. If he hadn’t interrupted her, she might have said something she would have come to regret. And even Ashton, the way he said his piece, the “I feel so connected to you” felt deeper than his usual praises when they had sex.

What did it all mean? She didn’t know, but the twisting feeling she had gotten while talking to Calum earlier was back with a vengeance.

God.

Fuck.

She rolled off of him. This was getting to be too much - the closeness of them. She had felt it before, the way how the relationship felt like more than just a friends-with-benefits situation, but her stupid talk with Calum now had her dwelling on it. She wondered how they ended up here, trying to find the defining moment took their relationship from one friend eating out another at a studio in West Hollywood to this.

It happened while she wasn’t looking.

She sat up and moved towards her bathroom door.

None of that mattered anyhow, she tried to tell herself, not now that she was taking back control.

“Hey,” she called over her shoulder. “Make sure to close the door when you leave.”

There was confusion in his voice. He sounded almost small as he asked, “I can’t stay over?”

She took a deep breath and turned. Meeting his eyes, she begged her resolve not to crumble. “Why would you do that?”

They were silent for a moment, eyes locked on each other. For a moment she thought he would complain, make a fuss like he did earlier. Instead, he released a frustrated grunt and began to get dressed.

“See you later, Ashton.” It was hard not to look back as she walked into her en-suite.

end notes: ok so confession: this is theoretically parts 1-3 of a 9-ish part story, but I thought it worked well as a stand alone. don’t forget to let me know what you think!

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t-citurnity-moved · 4 years

Note

HEY TALK ABOUT YOUR LOVES

Ohohohoho.

My thoughts are more or less about the boys, BUT I feel like I also need to provide context because this series has been such a huge part of my life.

So, therefore, let's start at the beginning.

GOD THIS GOT SO LONG AND I AM SO SORRY BUT I HAVE A LOT OF THOTS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I have been part of the fanbase (not gonna say fandom, because that implies I'm active at all in the d//m//c "community" when I absolutely am not) since before 2010. That's 10+ years of enjoyment in this series. 10+ years I've been holding onto my feelings because I wasn't sure if it was right to love fictional characters. I still wrote and roleplayed with other people who were also in the fanbase, because... well, writing OC / Canon at the time was the closest anyone could get to saying "I want to date this character and not be judged." (But we all know that even then, if the OC wasn't written a specific way then they'd be considered a sue / stu; don't even get me started there.)

I fell in love with Dante first. He was the main character up until Nero starred in D//M//C4! So why wouldn't I love him? The first piece of media in which I really broke into the series was the anime and that's only because I really loved anime at the time (now not so much, mostly because I don't have attention span, etc). And boy... ohoho boy. I loved him even more. I think it's partly because that was my first real look into the series that I love D//M//C2 so much, because I'm more inclined toward the ""edgy"" side of Dante; wacky wahoo pizza man is cool and all, but I also love retrospective Dante who's a bit serious. Doesn't mean he's not the same Dante, because he absolutely is. But I hate how the fanbase portrays him sometimes. (The same fanbase that hates D//M//C2 and probably hates the reboot too, BUT I'LL TOUCH UPON THAT IN A MOMENT.)

The fact that Dante can be a serious person when he needs to be (or even if he's like... killed his brother several times and is therefore entering into a depressive state because who tf wouldn't) seems lost on a lot of people and it makes me sad. Because when I first really started branching into the fandom, I was (and still am) the same way... I just feel like 2Dante and Anime Dante are just... more relatable? So I lean toward them more than anything because I can understand them more? Because I too have depression and struggle with it? (By no means am I saying that 4/5 Dante don't have depression, I just think at that point he deals with it differently. I have a lot of headcanon there and that in and of itself is a whole ass different discussion. I also think discovering that Nero is Vergil's son / his nephew also helps him handle his depression as well, because "wow... at least I still have some part of Vergil left, even if it is only his kid" plays a bit role in how Dante recovers, BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT I THINK.)

I even think 3Dante has some level of depression going on, even thouh that's the start of the series and it doesn't really start going downhill until after those events. I mean, losing his mother at a young age and also thinking he lost Vergil until, SURPRISE SURPRISE, Vergil invites him to a "bash" which is really just some ploy to gain power? I just think at that point, it's manageable for him; he doesn't struggle with it nearly as much as he does in 2 + Anime. That being said, the fact that he's so """wacky wahoo""" also leads me to conclusion that, even if it is "manageable," he does still struggle at times and I feel probably overwhelms him at times, so he tries to manage BY being upbeat about things. Which, anyone who has depression knows, is so fucking difficult to do. The fact that Dante can keep going despite all this shit going on in his life makes ME feel like I can keep going.

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON VERGIL AND HIS PROBLEMS. Dude just wanted to be protected and loved.

Actually, LET ME get started on that. Because I have a lot of thots.

Vergil grew up believing their mother chose Dante over him. That she didn't try to save him. That Dante was more important to her than he was. He grew up with this inferiority complex because he didn't know WHY their mother never came to save him. He also grew up thinking he wasn't strong enough to save HER. That's why he actively sought out power, while believing humans were "weak." That's why he manifested this hatred for being half-human. Because he couldn't save his family and, for a long time, he was led to believe his mother didn't care for him nearly as much as she cared for Dante (IE. "saving" Dante, but not Vergil).

Vergil's thirst for power is just misdirected feelings toward his family. He should've been mad at demons for attacking them in the first place, but because he grew up believing what he did, it became hatred toward humans instead. That's why he hated Dante, too. In reality, I don't think he really "hates" Dante, just feels severely inferior (which he veils by """having""" a superiority complex instead of the opposite, which he actually has). I think he just had a lot of conflicted emotions that he was never able to work through. Which is why I love the idea that he and Dante, post-D//M//C5 could reconcile at some point. Because neither of them really hated each other, they just had conflicting viewpoints due to one event that go thrown out of proportion somewhere along the way. Vergil just wanted what Dante had, which he perceived as the love of their mother, because she "chose" to save Dante instead of him. In reality, she tried to go after Vergil too, but simply didn't survive. Vergil was entirely unaware of this, so obviously he'd be upset. It's the crux of all his problems.

Vergil HIMSELF even theorises what would happen if they switched places that day! He wonders what would happen if he and Dante's lives were swapped! (Which, TBH, would be a pretty neat AU, heheheheh.) Legit! "If our positions were switched... would I have your life? And you mine?" DUDE WANTED TO KNOW!!! He wanted to know what it was like to BE Dante, to be LOVED, to be PROTECTED by the ONE PERSON they had in their lives at the time! They only had their mother, so OF COURSE Vergil would be upset due to the circumstances! HE JUST WANTED TO BE PROTECTED AND LOVED.

3Vergil doesn't show much of this side of him, because he's just angry and going through a lot and he JUST wanted to be powerful enough that no one could hurt him any more. He would NEVER say this, but dude....... You cannot convince me this dude just wanted to be powerful to keep himself safe. To feel like he finally would've had enough power to protect the people he loves AND himself. He just didn't want to be hurt again. This is, by NO MEANS, an excuse for his actions. It's an explanation. His actions shouldn't be excused because of his ~ f e e l i n g s ~, but I firmly believe that post-D//M//C5, he could redeem himself for these actions. For everything he's done, he can realise it's wrong. He can grow to be a better person. He can reconcile with Dante and even be a good father to Nero. He can be better and I want to believe that he WOULD be better. After everything V went through, discovering that he doesn't really want to be the person he used to, Vergil can change and be better.

OOFIES. This has gone on long, BUT I STILL HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT THE REBOOT BOYS THAT I STRUGGLE TO PUT INTO WORDS, SO BEAR WITH ME IF THIS SEEMS STUPID OR GARBLED.

Context for the reboot: It's basically a remake of the series that got poor reception because people struggle to accept change. :) I will not debate this and anyone who wants to come at me can eat my socks.

Dante 2.0, like original Dante, HAS PROBLEMS. He's an edgy punk bitch who has problems and he's so ugly I love him.

This dude went his entire life struggling with his identity as someone "human." At one point, he was so convinced he didn't have a heart that he ripped open his own chest to see if he did. Yeah. Dude has issues. But it's ok, because in game, he legitimately sets aside his own issues with people to save humanity. Dude's got such BDE.

People hate him, but I feel like they fail to realise what the hell he's been through. He's been through just as much shit as original Dante. Same goes for Vergil 2.0. These boys have been through SO MUCH, but people don't see that because "Nooo!! You can't just remake the series!!!" Meanwhile I'm like "hehe handsome nephilim boys go brrr."

I literally cannot begin to explain the amount of hate people have for the reboot and it makes me sad, because... like.... y'all.... don't realise... these dudes... went through so much shit..... and yeah... I get it... remake bad, original good, but dude.... my dude.... my bro.... you do not have to hate it that much.... calm down, it's just a video game....

My dude Dante grew up in the system because the foster homes and shit he got placed in were run by demons!!! So he'd lash out at them!!! He was violent because demons suck!! They killed his mom and enslaved his dad!!! Imagine!!! Being surprised by that!!! When you know what he went through!!! Damn, couldn't be me!!!

Vergil went through some shit too!!! Like!!! Yeah, he was adopted into a rich family and lived a pretty cushy life, but fact of the matter is!!! Their parents died and they had their memories WIPED when they were kids!!! Imagine!!! The distraught!!! When he (since he found out who he was long before Dante did) realised what had happened!!! When he remembered!! When he discovered he wasn't human!! My dude founded a whole ass group of demon hunting hactivists because he knew demons sucked and wanted to make the world a better place. It wasn't until after Mundus (big stinky demon man) died that he started realising how frail humans could be and decided to be an asshole about it.

I'm so sad that there will never be any more about the reboot, because fans decided to be assholes about it. I'm so sad that we'll never learn more about what happened to those boys. I'm so sad that we'll never be able to see whether they reconcile or even have the opportunity to.

Alas, I have to rely on heavy headcanon and personal re-write of the story to fix canon instead. :<

#dlselfships #c.txt #WHAT DO I TAG THIS AS????#ANALYSIS???#ITS NOT SHIP BS SO CANT USE THAT TAG BUT UHHHHH #analysis bs #ok sure good enough #LONG POST #IM SERIOUS THIS POST IS SO LONG AND I AM SO SORRY #I JUST HAVE A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THEM #dan.te #ver.gil #dante 2.0 #vergil 2.0 #AAAAAAAAAA NO ONE HAS TO READ ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HONESTLY ITS JUST SOME STUPID THOTS I HAVE AND THEY KINDA SUCK???#also you can tell im SOOOOOO BIASED when the reboot stuff comes in #oofies i loved the reboot and as soon as i saw the first trailer i was like!!! hehe hot man go brrr #even tho i KNEW people would hate it #but hey here i am.... still loving my reboot boys....

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anon-luv · 6 years

Text

[.2.] Countdown to Us (Yoongi X Reader, Taehyung X Reader)

Genre: Romance/Angst Soulmate AU

Pairing: Yoongi X Reader, Taehyung X Reader

What if your soulmate’s life was literally in the palm of your hand?? What if your soulmate is not the same man you have been in love with your whole life?? Was your soulmate late, or had the fates done a grave mistake..

Word Count: 4.2K+

♪ New Fic Playlist ♪ (Will be updated as story progresses)

Author’s Note: Sorry I took so long loves. I have been super busy at work, and with everything going on writing has been a bit slow. I was able to finish this chapter and almost finish a few other’s of my WIPs. I am hoping you all enjoy this story. I promise it is going somewhere. The begining is slow, but I am so excited to show you all what I have planned for this. This story has been my favorite to plan, since I literally made up the whole world myself. Let me know what you all think :D

LEAVE ME FEEDBACK!! Good or bad it is always appreciated since it helps me develop as a writer. Minor Grammar mistakes are possible ( I will come back and reedit about a million times I promise). It takes me a lot to get the confidence to post, and when I do I love to see ya’ll comments and reblogs. It encourages me. So thank you guys :D

♪ It’s like I told you; If you stay, I stay. ♪ — Lana Del Rey

It was like a ticking time bomb. It marked the beginning of what our society had deemed as normal, and it marked the end of what I had classified as my normal.

Taehyung's brown eyes had not left my figure the whole way home, and now as we laid in bed his voice was silent, but his trembling hand as it traced the darkened ‘50’ in my palm communicated the internal dilemma tonight had pitched our way.

“You know I love you… nothing has changed” my quiet raspy voice rang through the quiet room shocking us both.

“Nothing has changed... yet” Taehyung replied in a stronger voice than that of my own. Taehyung had always been brave, he had traveled through cities and forests bringing back full notebooks with stories of high mountaintops filled with white cold snow and drawings of an endless row of lit up buildings. Everything in my imagination vivid with the descriptions he planted to bloom within my brain. Trails I could only visit in my dreams for now because I had been condemned with strict, close minded parents.

“No, don’t say that… we have battled through rougher storms”, I replied grasping his sun kissed face between my hands, “You and I are not just for nows. We are forevers. We are eternal”

Taehyung avoided my eyes as he sat up, “Do you really believe that (y/n), you think we can go on like nothing happened while that clock in your hand ticks synchronized with each of his heartbeats. This soulmate shit is not a joke”

I looked at him petrified, “I will not hurt him. I will not misbehave and have his years stolen if that is what you think…”

Taehyung nodded, “(Y/N), you can’t fight fate”

“I know I can’t. A new year is about to begin, and you will be expected at the soulmate ceremony. You will meet your soulmate that night, what are you going to do about that??” I asked as fear and rage consumed me from the inside out.

“I am going to talk to her, and I will explain my heart already belongs to someone else. I will be her friend; not her lover.” Taehyung confidently replied, “I am strong and sure of who is the true owner of my heart”

I gulped down nervously. I had almost forgotten the soulmate ceremony would arrive along with the strongest storms of winter, and with our 25th year of life it would be our turn to walk on forward to be matched if we hadn’t run into our other half’s yet. Young adults from all over the world met up in the largest ceremony of the year in the capital/holy city where The Fates and Aphrodite made a guest appearance to finish matching the lone souls who had yet to have their mark burn into their skin.

The ‘50’. The curse. The countdown in my palm. Each number down is one less year, not for me but for him…. my soulmate. I had behaved in the eyes of my peers and superiors to keep his years intact for when I would finally encounter him, I would be able to move on forward without guilt. His lifespan untouched. 50 years from when our eyes would meet for this first time his would end. My soulmate would have a full life.

“I am strong too” I stubbornly said as my eyes watered and voice trembled. The sting in my palm pulsating.

“Did he have a 50 too??” Taehyung asked trying to drop the subject of his own soulmate that was still somewhere out there walking unknown to him in this world.

I shrugged my shoulders, I had not bothered to check at the moment with everything that was going, “I am not sure”

Taehyung stood up from the bed quickly rushing towards his sweater, “Wait, where are you doing??”

“We have to find him” he rushed out, “I will go, you stay here it is almost morning”

“No Tae, wait…” I rushed to him, “It is late, he probably isn’t there anymore. We can go tomorrow. Together.”

Taehyung stayed silent at the suggestion, his eyes glimmering with the internal battle brimming from these nights’ events.

“Please babe. He didn’t look like a bad person. I highly doubt he would sabotage my years by misbehaving. He didn’t seem very scared of the demigods either which is a good sign…. yes??”

Taehyung nodded, “Fine, but tomorrow we will head that way around the time we last saw him alright?? Together??”

I nodded, “Together”

I lied. During the night as I rested entangled within Taehyung’s warmth I didn’t think about those brown orbs or rosy lips against the pale skin of my soulmate. I didn’t dream about his deep voice or long slender fingers interlacing with mine. I didn’t dream about him, but as soon as the warm rays from the sun tickled my skin awake everything about the stranger from last night intrigued me. The bed was empty beside me, just like it was almost every morning after a night spend with Taehyung. My mom’s frightening yells would scare him away from the comfort of my bed sheets and into the cool early dim mornings.

I stretched as my bare feet hit the floor, my impulsive ass had always been curious of what fate had chosen for me. Clearly Fate was blind to not see my one and truly soulmate had been with me all along; Taehyung.

I put on one of Taehyung’s old hoodies, the sleeves long enough to cover my hands from curious eyes.

“Mom I am heading out” I yelled loudly and jogged away before I could hear her scream out a response.

I traveled the street and alleys quickly, not bothering to stop and interact with neighbors or acquaintances. My mind had a mission, and that was to find the stranger and get rid of these nagging thoughts that had been attacking me since my eyes opened this morning.

A fluttering feeling of what I was declaring to be just nerves had doubled with every step, the dialogue I had relentlessly practiced repeatedly on the way to the convenience store had been thrown out the window as soon as it came in sight. I pulled up the hoodie trying to block my face from the world as I walked on in. I took a deep breath of encouragement as I stepped into the lonely store. His silhouette taunting me from outside the window throwing doubts my way as I fast paced into the candy isle. A lollipop hung from his mouth as he read a magazine.

“Welcome, let me know if you need help” his deep voice traveled throughout the small store shaking the daylights out of me, goosebumps traveled up my arm as my eyes found his.

I deviated my line of sight quickly hoping not to get recognized only to miserably fail as I saw him walking towards me, the magazine left abandoned at the counter. I turned to face him with a KitKat chocolate bar in hand.

His dark brown hair was silkier than I had remembered, the need to run my fingers through it had me cracking my knuckles nervously, the forgotten candy now laying on the floor.

The handsome stranger/soulmate bend down to pick it up before it was left abandoned. He looked into my eyes as he cautiously touched my arm pulling it towards him. He very slowly and carefully pulled up my sleeve revealing the mark in my palm as he placed the forgotten candy on it.

I looked towards his hand then, the dark 50 printed on his own reflecting my life intact and mesmerizing at the same time. A sigh of relief escaped my lips, the fear that had gathered in the pit of my stomach released with that lone deep breath.

“My name is Yoongi” he stated with a deep voice and a nervous bite of his lip.

“(Y/N)” I said trying to sound strong yet spilling out a small tremble at the end of my name.

Yoongi’s eyes traveled along my face making me self-conscious as I lowered down my hoodie allowing him to get the full image of what fate had put in his path. Yoongi looked at my palm once again and then back to his own. I could hear the gears turning in his head with the way his eyes traveled from my hand to his.

I stayed silent. I was unsure of what to say as I let my own eyes travel along his handsome features. I couldn’t help but compare Taehyung to Yoongi. They were both so different, yet they both had an unknown power over me. I had to look at the facts though. Taehyung had been slow to grow. Natural. Yoongi had been fast and unexpected. Fate/Fake.

Yoongi’s deep timbre brought me back to the present, “We need to talk”

I nodded reluctantly, “That we do”

“My mom is dying” Yoongi said breaking the silence that had been established from the moment he escorted me to a small break room placed in the back of the store.

Yoongi stood tall against the wooden worn-down counter as I sat in a raggedy old plastic chair placed about 5 feet away from where he was. The air was thick and the need to run into his arms had strangely been creeping up on me as an unwelcome runny nose in a rainy winter day. Annoying, overwhelming, and part of the norm as per society deemed it, but I hadn’t expected the effect of a soulmate to overrule my senses the way it had been. His mere scent had me trembling in place, and his voice soothed me in ways no one else had in my life. He felt familiar, like coming home to your own bed after spending weeks away from it. Safe. I did not like it.

I nodded not sure of what to say as I coughed awkwardly squeaking out an, “I am sorry about that”

Yoongi smiled a bit my way, “It is in no way your fault, but I do need a favor from you.”

“What?” I asked a bit confused to where this conversation was heading to.

“How long??” He asked as he stared straight into my eyes.

I tilted my head like a confused puppy unsure of what he was talking about.

Yoongi raised an eyebrow as a smirk crawled its way into his handsome features, “How long have you been together with…”

“Tae… his name is Taehyung. We have been together for years now… we have been best friends since we were children, and stuff just started building up from that…” I started building excuses for my relationship with Taehyung unconsciously, my tongue feeling heavy against my lips as my mouth moved on its own.

Yoongi carefully inspected my face as if he was trying to read more into the words that were spilling out of my lips, “Hmm… you know you don’t have to do that right??”

“Excuse me… What am I doing??”

“This soulmate thing doesn’t have to change a thing. It is your decision. You are free to love and be with whoever you want to be with. I am no one to tell you what you should or should not do. I am not going to do that to you” Yoongi said, his voice soft with a small sprinkle of concern.

“Oh… I… thank you” I said now my face hot, unable to meet his brown eyes.

“OK. Now about that favor… I need you to pretend to be okay with this whole thing. I mean I know I just said I was okay with you not being with me, and I mean it, but you see my mom is a firm believer in fate and soulmates. You see her, and my father were stubborn kids and then when they met and everything fell into place… it was too late for them, she doesn’t want me to go through the same thing” he rushed out no longer looking at me, but instead looking dead set on the floor.

“You mean for me to pretend to be accepting of our bond?” I asked.

“Yeah, just for a bit… like I said she doesn’t have very long” he whispered now looking at me pleadingly.

“How long did they… I am sorry I shouldn’t ask”

“No, it’s okay.” he said, “From the time they met… he was down to 20 years and she was down to 25 years left. We estimate she has less than one month left”

“More than half?” I asked.

Yoongi just nodded.

I raised my palm to him, the 50 clear as day in my palm, untouched he still had a lifetime ahead.

He walked forward his hand reaching out to my palm as he eyed me questioningly as if asking for permission before he carefully traced the 50 in my palm just like Taehyung had done last night. Unlike Tae’s burning painful touch, Yoongi’s felt almost minty as if he was soothing the recent burn with an almost fresh cold sensation with just the graze of his fingertip.

My hand wrapped around his before I knew what I was doing. I took my time inspecting his long pale fingers and his visible veins, and then the 50 that resided right in the middle of his own palm. He interlaced his fingers with mine and I was more than accepting, the need to be close to him finally taking over. Yoongi smile and I smiled back.

“It’s nice isn’t it” I asked unsure of why I was saying such things when a second ago I had confessed of loving another man, “I know it’s just the soulmate bond triggering all this but it’s nice”

Yoongi let go of my hand quickly and took a step back, “Yeah the soulmate bond, anyway do you think you can come over tomorrow night for dinner??” His soft tone had been thrown out the window, his voice now deeper and distant.

“Yeah sure. Tomorrow is fine” I replied standing up from the chair. I started walking towards the exit as I could feel Yoongi following close behind. Taehyung’s face flashed through my mind reminding me of the planned visit for tonight.

I turned quickly around only to bump into Yoongi’s chest. His body warmth sending a swarm of chills up my spine, “Actually, I need a favor as well.” I looked up to meet his eyes, his closeness making my breath come in and out more rapidly, borderline hyperventilating as I drowned in his brown eyes. What I was about to say left forgotten as I counted each and every eyelash that framed his eyes.

Yoongi’s hand caressed my cheek softly and for a second, I let myself be consumed by his touch, but then Yoongi’s once again soft caring voice spoke out, “What favor?”

I snapped back to reality and reluctantly took a step back as Yoongi’s hand fell to his side, “Can you not tell Tae I came to see you today?? He wants to come talk later on tonight, and I wanted to wait…but...I… just...I”

Yoongi nodded, “Don’t worry about it. I am assuming the favor I asked from you, should be kept on the down low as well, right?”

I nodded, ‘Yeah I don’t think he would be very fond of the idea of us spending too much time together.”

Yoongi send a sad looking smile my way, “I guess I will see you tonight then”

I nodded, “Later Yoongi”

I turned once again towards the exit, as my feet grew heavier and heavier each step, I took away from him. It was like my body wanted something my heart had rejected. My own body was rejecting my decision. I looked back to wave Yoongi one last goodbye. He send a bright smile my way as he waved back, but I could have sworn his eyes were anything but happy.

Darkness came quicker than I had expected and with the shadows came Taehyung. He jumped up my window and into my room as if he had some kind of superpower. He ran forth embracing me as if he had been gone for years, his hands trembled as he caressed my face slowly, I could see relief in his facial expression as I hugged him back. My lips sprinkled kisses all over his face finally searching his lips in an earth-shaking kiss. The warmth of his mouth coating mine sweet and slowly taking our time to rediscover each other as my hands traveled underneath his shirt on his bare back.

Taehyung smiled as he separated himself from me, “Not so quick there princess, we have places to go tonight”

I sighed annoyed, “Can’t we just cuddle for a little bit???”

“We can cuddle, kiss, and do anything you want on the way back, but we got to start heading out. I know you well darling, and I know once you get into bed it will be almost impossible to rip you away from those sheets” Taehyung said as he walked to my closet pulling out one of his old hoodies. He helped me wiggle my way into it, and as soon as my head had popped up, he placed a soft kiss on my forehead, “It is chilly outside”

I nodded, “Looks like we might be getting some storms too, so let’s get this over and done with quickly”

Quietly we both made our way out into the shadows of the night. The town was almost clear of wandering souls as the moon lit the path to the little store.

“Are you nervous??” I heard Taehyung ask after a long period of silence.

“No, why should I be??” I asked in return.

“This is your soulmate we are going to be seeing, and he is right up the street” he replied as he held onto my hand a little tighter.

“And you are the love of my life. I am fine, don’t worry about it. Are you nervous??” I asked curiously as I peeked at his beautifully sculptured profile.

“No, just a bit possessive to be honest… and jealous. This man won the lottery with my woman. It is only normal for me to feel a bit … you know…” Taehyung joked around as the store came into sight.

Taehyung walked inside first. I walked closely behind him curious of how things would develop now that it was known that the stranger before him was my soulmate. Yoongi stood right in front of the counter as if he was waiting for us. He was dressed in dark tight jeans and a white plain shirt that framed his body perfectly. There was a glint of something in his eyes I could not pinpoint as he eyed Taehyung and I from head to toe making me a bit weak in the knees when we met each other’s eyes.

“Good evening, can I help you with something??” Yoongi smirked towards Taehyung. The hostile environment overwhelmed my senses as I hid myself behind one of the isles.

“Cut the crap”, Taehyung responded surprising me, “You know why we are here. I doubt you would be stupid enough...”

“Cut it out Taehyung” I heard my voice ring out, “You promised we weren’t going to make a huge scene out of this, so please stop this rabid dog attitude and let’s do this peacefully, ok?”

Taehyung looked at me with betrayal written all over his handsome face, no more teasing smile my way as it was now replaced with an upset pout similar to that of a five-year-old who had just gotten grounded

“Babe please” I said softly, and his demeanor changed drastically with that simple plead. I could see him melt in front of my eyes as his shoulder’s relaxed and his found turned into a little smile as the word babe slipped passed my lips.

Yoongi looked down at his feet as if in deep thought, he then proceeded to lock the front door, “It was closing time anyway” he said as he shrugged his shoulders uncaringly.

Taehyung rolled his eyes as Yoongi signed for us to follow him to the back where him and I had spoken previously. The room looked a bit homier than before as there was now a row of snacks in a corner. I was assuming Yoongi had set up for us, and the fact he had been as thoughtful enough to do such a kind thing set a few butterflies off in my stomach. I smiled at the small cute detail as my eyes wondered around the goodies.

“Would you like some chips or cookies??” Yoongi asked, “There is also some juice here…”

“Yes please” “We are not hungry” rang simultaneously.

Taehyung glared at me as I walked forward and grabbed a juice box and cookies, “Thank you”

Taehyung cleared his throat awkwardly before eye contact could even be made between Yoongi and I, “Anyway, I am Taehyung, and this is (Y/N). I am sorry about earlier, but due to the circumstances… I didn’t really know how to act”

Yoongi nodded understandingly, “Name is Yoongi, and I get it. Take a seat. Look I am not going to try and force myself onto her or anything if that is what you are worried about. Being soulmates doesn’t always mean we have to be together”

My heart surprisingly dropped at that comment. I was with Taehyung I shouldn’t had felt that way, but I did. My bag of chocolate chip cookies no longer looked appetizing after that. I snapped back into reality as Taehyung pulled a chair out for me to sit on.

“Thank you for being understanding, but that is not all I came here to talk about” Taehyung proceeded to say even catching me by surprise as I sat on the chair.

“Wait it isn’t??” I asked confused myself.

Yoongi raised an eyebrow my way as if in sneaking in a gesture my way.

“What’s going on??” Yoongi asked intrigued.

“I met an unmarked” Taehyung monotonously stated as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“A what??” I asked completely uneducated on the matter as Yoongi’s eyes widened with surprise.

Yoongi responded this time, “An unmarked is an uncursed. In other words, a person without a dictated soulmate.” He turned towards Taehyung now, “How?? I have only heard rumors of such people and situations”

“Same. My friend Jimin introduced me to him. Jimin’s mark is fading. They think his soulmate died in an unexpected accident and he wants to get rematched, so he was seeking out in dark places for an answer to his prayers, and then he ran into him. His name is Namjoon and he said he could help us break the curse and get us rematched so I can be with (y/n) and you can find a soulmate who will be able to correspond your feelings” Taehyung said excitedly.

Yoongi scrunched up his nose worriedly, “That doesn’t sound like it would be easy though. How does he propose we do such thing??”

My mouth dropped in shock. The realization of what we would probably have to go through shook me senseless and fear started to cloud my mind. I knew what Taehyung was capable of and what he would do to seek out what he is looking for He had never been one to back out of a challenge, and for that I dreaded for the worse possible outcome. For the first time in my life my admiration for his bravery and sense of adventure turned into fear of the unknown.

“Travel. A country away before the fates get to the capital. Make a deal in exchange for the freedom of you both” Taehyung replied as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

Yoongi’s grimaced Taehyung’s way, his eyes filled with worry. His mom. Yoongi couldn’t travel, especially not at this time.

“No, we can’t. That sounds way too dangerous Taehyung” I plead his way, “We can just arrange something between the three of us. Simple and without any traveling or dangers.”

“(Y/N), Yoongi deserves love as well, and we would be affecting his love life and way of leaving. He would be linked to you just like you are to him. The soulmate bond goes both ways. You wouldn’t be the only one suffering because of the fates’ mistake” Taehyung tried reasoning with me as he took a hold of my face and quickly pecked my lips. For the first time in my life his touch did not soothe my uneasiness. It felt wrong. I separated myself quickly from him and turned towards Yoongi. His face turned to stone without a single feeling encrypted in his pink lips.

“When do we have to leave??” Yoongi asked monotonously.

“You don’t have to...” I started only to be cut off by Taehyung enthusiastic response.

“This weekend. A group of them are going to strike deals and they invited us along” Tae smiled towards Yoongi, “I can pay for food and any necessary items for the travel”

“Not necessary. I will go” he replied.

“Wait, but…” I said trying to halt the escalating plans.

Yoongi turned to face me, his face blank of emotion, “I will go”

★ The universe, I’d learned, was never, ever kidding. It would take whatever it wanted, and it would never give it back. ★ — Cheryl Strayed

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bthenoise · 5 years

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Q&A: Here’s How Some Of Your All-Time Favorite Music Videos Were Made Thanks To The Brilliant Max Moore

So you want to make music videos? Well, we have some good news and we have some bad news. The bad news? It takes a TON of hard work. The good news? We have some pretty solid advice from one of if not the best music video directors in our scene.

Working with the likes of Converge, Code Orange, Knocked Loose, Motionless In White, Movements, New Found Glory and a ton more, Max Moore has built quite the reputation of being an ultra-consistent, ultra-creative and incredibly hard-working director working his way up from the DIY hardcore community.

Talking with The Noise about getting started behind the camera and what he suggests to up-and-coming filmmakers, Moore commented, “I think it's so easy to get caught up in the comparison game of what camera somebody has starting out or where you live.”

“I don't live in Los Angeles,” Moore said. “I live in a random ass city in the Midwest. And if you can just get away from all the bullshit and just focus on making really creative, cool ideas, then you're going to be somewhat successful over the people who just freaked out about the new stabilizer or piece of gear.”

With a resume of nearly 100 music videos, commercials and short films under his belt, Moore clearly knows his stuff -- which is exactly why we wanted to reach out to the talented 28-year-old and find out how he got his start making some of our favorite music videos.

To check out Moore’s story and insightful guidance for future directors, be sure to look below. Afterward, for more, head here.

How long do you think you usually spend on an edit? Obviously different videos vary but what’s your average time?

MAX MOORE: Well, not all directors edit their own stuff. But for me, it's a big part of what I do. And in terms of having control over the final product, I mean, you can shoot and direct something amazingly [but] if you don't have a good editor, it can all kind of fall apart there. So editing is the one thing that I still do all myself. So as you can imagine, it just depends on the project. But even more so than that, it really just depends on the timeline from the label or management or whatever.

For example, the [recent] Knocked Loose video, I edited it in like a week. And you know, that's like working on it six to eight hours for a few days or something like that. But I've also had crazy deadlines where it's like, “Hey, the video is literally supposed to come out in three days from when we shoot it.” So I'll just hunker down and edit nonstop for like 48 hours. So I've literally shot a video in LA, flew (because I actually live in Kentucky -- Louisville, Kentucky -- where Knocked Loose is from) back home and edited a video and turned it in and it came out like two days later. So yeah, it really just depends. But I think the biggest thing is just if the labels are like, “Hey, it’s not due for a while,” I'm gonna let it sit. [laughs] I'm not trying to kill myself just to get it done.

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Do you ever overlap with videos? Or is it usually one project at a time?

I usually always kind of have multiple projects going at the same time. It's varied in different years. I've been doing this full time for about six years. Some years, I did insane amounts of music videos. Some years, I do a little bit less. I think the most I did one year was like 40 music videos or something crazy. So if you think about that, there are only 12 months in a year. So there's obviously going to be some crossover. But these days, I'm trying to -- when I was first doing this I was like, “I want to do as many as possible and work with as many artists as I can.” But these days, I'm trying to be more selective about what I take on and I'd rather do fewer, really good [videos] than just pump them out. So I've also started directing commercials as well. I don't want to do 40 music videos a year. It’d be nice to do a handful of ones I’m really passionate about.

For young filmmakers and directors who are just learning, what’s your time management like or the schedule that you give yourself on a day-to-day basis?

I think the biggest key, especially when I was getting started, I would get a lot of offers to do videos and I was just so excited to have the work that I didn't know how to say no yet. So I kind of overbooked myself, like the year I did almost 40 videos, that was so stupid. Like, truly. I mean, I worked like seven days a week for the entire year basically. So I think it starts before you even get the work. By that, I mean learning when to say no. You know, “That video sounds really cool, I like that band, but I just don't have time.” Or you know, “Hey, it's a good budget. I don't care about this artist. Nah, I'm going to pass.” You know what I mean? So I think it starts from the get-go and I'm learning to be better with that.

As the years have gone on, in terms of the day-to-day, I think it's just like any business. It's prioritizing things that need to get done based on when they're due. I think that sounds like a really non-answer but I think it's important to keep to your schedule -- especially when you're self-employed and you do a lot of it yourself. It's really easy to get overwhelmed and not know where to start. But I like to stay organized by keeping a well-established schedule and prioritizing by what's due when and knocking it out in that order if that makes sense.

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Is there one video in particular you had to turn down that you're super bummed about?

Yeah, I mean, there's been lots of cases over the years. But it's been less of that, like, “Hey, we want you to do it” and I feel like I have to pass. The things that I mostly get more bummed about are the videos where I write it -- so the way the normal process works is it's not usually, it happens a lot for me [with] someone I’ve worked with several times [where] we're directly working together and they know “Hey, we want Max to do the video.” So we’ll figure out the treatment and what the video is going to be, but I am working directly with them.

But usually, the way it works is that my rep, my music video rep, which is just like (that's what they call it, it's like my agent, basically) and so she will send me tracks from record labels and say, “Hey Max, do you want to write on this?” And so say it's a really awesome artist that I would love to work with, it’s like, “Oh yeah, I would love to write a treatment for that.” She says okay, so then I spend the day putting together a music video treatment, sending it off to her and she sends it to the label. But the label is also collecting several treatments from several different directors and you don't know how many, who's writing, who else is also writing on it or how many.

And so back to the original question. I've definitely gotten bummed like, “Oh my god, I'm writing a treatment for blah, blah, blah, whatever band or artist. I'm so excited!” And then it's like, “Yeah, they went with somebody else.” And then you’re like, “Ahhhhh.” [laughs] This is the name of the game. It's as frustrating as it can be music video directing, or directing for some production in general. [You] kind of just gotta have tough skin. And if you get your feelings really hurt by not getting a job or the client not liking the video or the edit, or whatever, you gotta just have thick skin and roll with the punches. The people that can roll with the punches consistently and keep trucking even though they get bummed on not getting stuff, those are the people that are successful and can have consistent work. Not saying that's me [laughs], but yeah.

When you're writing treatments, do you feel like the ideas come to you pretty instantly? Or do you have to think for a few hours, sometimes days?

I think it just depends on the specific situation. There have been times where I'll get sent a song and I immediately have something come to mind and the treatments done in like an hour. Then there are also times where I've literally sat at a computer for hours and hours and hours and gone on walks, took a shower, left and drove around and there's nothing I can do [because] I'm 100% in writer's block. I finally just end up being like “Alright, I’ll write this down and submit it.” But I think it just depends on the situation. I think it's always easier in a situation where it's an artist that I know and that I've worked with previously. Like a band like Code Orange or Knocked Loose. I've worked with both those bands multiple times and we have a rapport, a creative rapport that we can kind of reference previous videos or it's really just a trust thing. Those kinds of artists that I’ve worked with trust me and trust what I'm writing is going to make sense for the song or the record or whatever. So it's always easier when I have a direct relationship with the artist rather than when it's just more the standard business thing where there's several layers of middlemen in between– my manager, or my rep, their manager, a video commissioner. That's where the creativity is a little harder to pin down.

It’s interesting having a job in a creative space because there isn’t just some button you can push to come up with ideas. Like when people say, “Hey, think of some ideas for this.” It’s really not that easy.

Totally.

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But talking about the artists you've worked with. You mentioned Code Orange and Knocked Loose. When you came up in this music scene was that the music you were listening to?

Yeah. So when I was younger, I'm 28 now, but all through middle school and high school, I played in lots of different punk and hardcore bands and toured. Did that whole thing. My friends were in a band called Xerxes that was signed to No Sleep Records, which was kind of a poppin’ label back in the day and so that was very much my world that I came from like the DIY punk hardcore scene. So naturally, a band like Code Orange -- I was friends with them and that was the music I was already playing and it sort of just kind of lent itself for me taking on those kinds of videos. I didn't like set out to specifically direct music videos, it just kind of happened naturally from the fact that I had a big background in music and all these friends that were in bands and all these connections.

But at the same time, I stopped playing music and went to film school and then those two things just naturally lead together into one. But yeah, to answer the question: Yeah, I mean, that's the world I come from and that's kind of why so much of my work has been in that scene, whatever you want to call it. Obviously, I've worked with lots of different kinds of bands like pop-punk bands, indie bands, stuff like that. But it's all really under the umbrella of “alternative music,” that’s what I would call it. But the cool thing about having my rep is that she and the production company I'm signed with, they can kind of give me opportunities to write for artists and bands that are kind of outside my own connections. Like a pop artist or hip-hop artists or something like that. So, though I come from punk and hardcore, I love all kinds of music. I listen to hip-hop mostly these days. And so even though [punk and hardcore is the] majority of what my work is done in, I definitely have a strong desire to branch out and flex creative muscles in a different genre or different types of video. If that makes sense.

Yeah, so who are some dream artists you'd love to work with?

I mean, I’d want to do the biggest of the big. [laughs] I want to do a Beyoncé video [laughs]. I’d do anything, man. But the cool thing about my background is people kind of pin me down as always the “hardcore director.” But in reality, if you actually know me personally, you know that my kind of interests is so much broader than just hardcore. When I was 17, I was a hardcore kid. At 28, I'm just Max [laughs]. I can like Drake. I can like Beyoncé. I can like whatever. So really the dream artist is anybody who's willing to give me the time. I know that’s kind of a cop out answer, but yeah. Anybody who's just down to let me make some cool stuff. I'm always interested in working with them.

So do you think some advice to incoming videographers is to not pigeonhole themselves into just one category and instead branch out and try everything?

Yes and no. I think, oddly, some of the reasons why I've had consistent work over the last few years is because there is this network of bands in the scene. Whether it's the record labels I work with, I think just like any business you get hired because you get good at one thing where you specialize in something, like you know, a plumber or electrician or any type of business. A plumber is going to get hired to do plumbing and in that way, it's been good for me to continue to work with bands in a similar genre because it just keeps the ball rolling and you’re able to create a style.

But that’s why I think, starting out, I think it is kind of cool. This has just worked for me. The thing about music video directing, or directing as a whole, is that there's no right or wrong path. It's not like becoming a doctor where you have to take a test, you pass the test and someone gives you a piece of paper and says you’re a doctor. Everybody's path to music video directing, or directing any type of production, looks very different. So I'm just speaking personally and what’s worked for me. So I think working in this kind of genre of music has allowed me to basically make a living. But I think once you get to a certain level, or have a certain amount of videos under your belt or if you're just bored and want to try something different, I think breaking out and not being afraid to branch out, that's the biggest thing. Be consistent and put yourself out there but at the same time, don't be afraid to try new things with new kinds of artists or people.

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A good example of that as far as your music videos go has to be the Chapel music video you directed with all the giant breakfast stuff which we assume was pretty challenging for more reasons than one. Speaking of, what has been the most challenging music video for you to shoot personally?

I would probably say, the most challenging would probably be the [Code Orange] “Forever” video -- and then I'll have the worst day on set story, I'll share with you. But with [“Forever”], there was just a lot of logistics. I actually self-produced the music video. We shot in Louisville, Kentucky. So there's just a lot of working parts to the video. I mean, there's so much in it and the biggest thing, the challenge is the big pyrotechnic stuff at the end of the video. You know, if we were shooting in LA or somewhere like that, getting a pyro person is no problem. They're everywhere and you can get them. Normally, when I’m shooting in LA, there’s a production team, the producers will handle all that and make it happen. But trying to like, you know, maximize the budget and put everything I could into this video, shooting in Louisville was a better option, which is where I'm from and just finding a pyro team in Louisville, Kentucky was not possible. [laughs] There isn't anybody. So we had to bring people in from Nashville and it was just a lot. I remember being totally overwhelmed. If it was any other artist, I would have been like, “I can't.” But because my relationship is strong and special with that band and I care about the art and believe in what they're doing, I was like, “You know, this is an important record, this is an important single” and I just felt that it was like “You gotta go hard on this one.” And yeah, they ended up getting nominated for a Grammy for that song. I'm super proud of what they've done and seeing them grow. So I think just because I cared so much, that's why that was the most challenging one if that makes sense.

Totally.

And then the worst day on set was with this band called Motionless In White, which also involved a ton of pyro behind the stage. It was just the longest day and our gaffer, who had all the lights and equipment, he was a no-call no-show the morning of the shoot and set us behind. And then the pyro thing, we had all this fire on the stage inside this warehouse and it popped the sprinklers and sprinklers went all over everything and I had my camera in my hand and I'm like running out. And it wasn't clean water, this was like an old warehouse and it's black fucking sludge coming out of the sprinklers. And I was like, “Oh my god, dude.” I was freaking out like, “It's done. It's over.”

But then somehow the crew like shop-vacuumed it all up and we kept shooting and then finally the stage caught fire. There was like 300 screaming tweens -- they were just fans but they were in the video and it was just straight chaos. Anyways, it was a crazy day. The video turned out, came out and that's all that matters. So what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

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What do you think is one of the biggest things people misinterpret about being a music video director?

I think the biggest thing that people don't understand, the biggest part of my job that I didn't even know was the biggest part of the job is it's not just about “Hey, can you direct a video? Or can you make a video?” As a working music video director, it's all about writing. That's something I had no idea about when I first got into it. Like, you can yell action and you can shoot and you can edit and produce and make an amazing, clean product. But you will not get work consistently or at all really if you don't know how to write a treatment and accurately portray your idea and write it and set it up in a way that all parties involved can clearly understand.

So the biggest misconception is that it's not just about being on set. So much of my day-to-day is writing and pitching. In that way, it’s not good enough to just be a good director. You have to be a good writer and a good salesman for the ideas that you have and that you believe in. And even if you don't believe in it, you have to make them think that you believe it. And then when you get there, and it turns out it works, everybody's happy. But I think that's the biggest misconception of what a day-to-day music video director is. It's a lot of sitting in front of a computer and finding reference images for your treatment or searching online for that one still [image] you remember from a movie that will be great to go into the treatment or coloring reference images in Photoshop. I mean, most of my job is that. It’s pitching. And then, that's intercut with the shoot days and the edits. But it's a lot of hard work and it's not for people who, you know -- production isn't like the cozy nine-to-five thing. You got to really want it and you’ve got to be willing to continually be putting yourself out there. And it's hard but when you find some level of success and work consistently [and] see people really dig the videos -- like the Knocked Loose video came out the other day and people were digging it -- that's when it feels like “Hey, you know this is really hard and sucky sometimes but wow, it's worth it.”

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A post shared by Max Moore (@maxmoorefilms) on Apr 18, 2019 at 12:24pm PDT

What are some of your favorite music videos you've seen that really inspired you or made you wish you thought of first?

I think watching older Smashing Pumpkins music videos is huge for me. Also weirdly, My Chemical Romance. I was right in that era where they were huge when I was like in [my] teen years and I was certainly into hardcore and all that but I'm a sucker for pop-punk. I was into that kind of stuff and I was watching Fuse after school and stuff like that. So, those era music videos are iconic to me.

From a young age, I always thought those videos were sick. [And] like Underoath videos and stuff like that. There's a theme of like, darker imagery that I was just naturally drawn to. But those are things growing up like, “Man, that’s so cool. I would love to do something like that.” [And] now I've gotten to write on some Underoath music videos recently, so it's all kind of full circle. I would love to do a Smashing Pumpkins video, that’d be amazing.

Did you ever watch Making The Video on MTV?

Totally! Looking back on that era of music videos, the music industry has changed so much since then with streaming and how the budgets were bigger for music videos. But I think now music videos are so much more important and relevant than they have ever been. You know, when I first started directing music videos, YouTube was really in its infancy for music videos. Vevo wasn't a thing, viral content was just getting on record labels’ radar. So I kind of slipped into the industry when it was in a lull, like YouTube wasn't this giant thing where music videos lived yet and here comes this little kid and I just had a DSLR and got into the DIY punk thing. Then as that rose back up and labels started to put in more money for music videos, I kind of rose with that as the internet gave a rebirth to the music video in some ways.

I mean, certainly there was always the major label people that were getting good budgets even during this slump when streaming stuff started to come out. But for me, in punk and hardcore, I was able to slide in there and just -- there is such a big disconnect between watching Making The Video and then my early music videos because it's like a kid shooting in his bedroom some close up that is on a shitty $600 DSLR [camera]. I think even now, the biggest budget things I do now, I still always have that DIY, do it yourself, punk mentality. At the end of the day, even if I have like a 60-person crew, 40-person crew, 20-person, 10-person crew, I'm steering the ship and no one's going to care more about this video than me. And I just still try to take that kind of DIY spirit into everything that I do, even today.

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Is there anything else you want to tell the people reading this?

I have a lot of kids DM me or email me asking like, “Hey, what lens should I get? Or what cameras do you shoot on? Or how do I get into directing?” And I think to kind of mass answer that or to give some encouragement -- I always say this but I think it's important -- I think it's so easy to get caught up in the comparison game of what camera somebody has starting out or where you live. I don't live in Los Angeles, you know. I live in a random ass city in the Midwest. And if you can just get away from all the bullshit and just focus on making really creative, cool ideas, then you're going to be somewhat successful over the people who just freaked out about the new stabilizer or piece of gear.

There's a time and place for that, you certainly have to be good at the craft. But beyond that, it's all about being creative and sticking to being DIY. If you want to direct music videos, there's no reason why you can't. Especially [since] everybody's an artist or some SoundCloud rapper these days. So everybody has someone that they probably know, at least by like a few degrees that is making music. And like, my phone shoots 4k [laughs] so there's no reason not to be able to make something if you want to do it. So just get away from all the bullshit and all the distractions and really just focus on creating cool ideas that are unique and push the boundaries.

That's really great advice.

For sure. And I think it's, you know, people always hit me up because they want an easy-to-click answer. But the fact of the matter is everybody's path is going to look different. And if you just want it enough and you have that drive, you're going to figure it out. I think that's just with anything in life, for the most part. So the last thing I want is to come off like, “[If] you do this, you will be like me and have this.” I just work hard and I try to work with artists that I like and that's basically it.

#Max Moore #Interview #music video #Knocked Loose #Code Orange #Movements

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