#i believe he's got a bucket list of Big Things he wants to do someday but faced with actually scheduling those things... well...

[commsroom]

If Eiffel regains his memory what do you think is something he wants to do once he gets back to earth? (In other words, what would be a nice day for Eiffel as planned by himself?) Best of luck with your plane ride, I hope it goes smoothly for you!!

you know, that's a tough question, because i think there are two things that are simultaneously true about eiffel:

"a nice day for eiffel" and "planning" are not concepts that coexist

he loves to be the Guy with the Plan. he doesn't like organizing, he doesn't like it when he has to do something, he especially doesn't like schedules, but he enjoys coming up with a Crazy Idea.

also keep in mind that (excluding the booze) the things he misses most about earth are: cigarettes, pizza, sex, blackjack, porn, monster trucks, video on demand.

if he planned a nice day just for himself, i think that would be a day without any obligations: he sleeps in as late as he wants to, already has leftover pizza in the fridge he can eat cold for breakfast, lounges around in his underwear watching tv until he gets bored, and then maybe goes out and drives around until he finds something to do. but it has to be spontaneous.

if his plans include other people, there are some situations where i feel he could get carried away: a surprise birthday party, or a big date/anniversary, or if he gets to see his daughter again, he'd pull out all the stops for that. and then, because he's eiffel, he'd run into a million complications he didn't expect. but, also because he's eiffel, he's really good at thinking on his feet, rolling with the punches, and making something out of it anyway. that's something i like about him.

[pepgione-punk]

Hii, this is not any new information or anything but I wanted to be nosy about his life after college so I felt like writing something..

I think there are 2 things I always have present when thinking about luigi and why the seemingly perfect student, responsible throughout his whole life suddenly dropped everything to work on the first company that offered him a remote option and moved to a place that feels like vacations all year long; the first thing that come to my mind are his notes about his spondy that he posted on 2019(someone said 2021, either way, before his big injury) it's clear that his condition was already worrying to him and that he tried to take precautions and learn about it even before the surfing accident; the second thing is I remember he commented on a reddit post to someone who had grade 1 spondy saying 'if you are cautious with it you should be able to postpone the surgery for about 10 years'. Now this caught my attention bc when he made the handwritten notes, he mentioned he had grade 2 spondy, with him investigating everything, I believe he must have been aware that a spinal fusion was going to be necessary for him even back in 2019, it was just a matter of delaying as much as he could.

Now, here's where I think it makes sense the choice of moving to hawaii, the poor guy must've had present that he had to live to the fullest during his 20s. He KNEW what a spinal fusion means, and that his life, his body and physique after it would be waay different than what a normal's person is.

I believe he intended to tackle his bucket list and do only the things he enjoyed, so that by the time he had to get surgery, starting his 30s, he would be okay with the boring life, having to sit in a desk, having to adapt his training, etc..

I really don't think he was a 'free spirit' or adventurous per se, I believe his circumstances made him a little worried that someday he would not be able to enjoy life, so he had to do it when he could. This of course changed when he got his big injury very soon after arriving to hawaii. and I PERSONALLY think all of this could explain why he 'went nuts' so fast after the injury; It was because he had already had to make ammends that his life as he knew would be cut short, he had to plan around it, and then he got injured and realized he couldn't even live those 'good few years' he thought he had...

That’s actually a great theory!

I thought maybe he wanted a break and Hawaii provided that but yeah he probably already knew post-surgery he wouldn’t be able to do certain things. Although he did travel to Asia after the surgery… this man is so enigmatic.

[eisforeidolon]

Question: So everyone has heard of a Bucket List. It's something that someday you're going to make happen.

Jared: Yeah.

Question: I've recently heard of a term called the Fuck It List. [Jared raises eyebrows] Where you're going to fuck it and do it now. [Jensen exaggeratedly reacts]

Jared: [pulls back on Jensen's shoulder] Take it easy, [?]. [slashes across his throat and mouths no] That reminds me of that story with the porn stars next door...

Question: Basically, if you have the means to do so -

Jensen: That was said with, like, aggression, too?

Jared: Yeah, I know. I'm angry, I'm scared, stay between us.

Question: If you have the means to do so, you should just do it right now because what's the point, we all have one life to live, you know. So -

Jensen: Oh, I get it. It's just the way you said it.

Jared: He liked it.

Jensen: Zip, boom, bonjour.

Jared: Bonsoir! [Jensen cracks up]

Question: So my question for the two of you, is what would your current Fuck It List item be?

Jared: Who or what? [Jensen throws up his hands] So just here and now? Okay, fine. [tries to grab at Jensen while sticking out his tongue exaggeratedly]

Jensen: [gets up and walks quickly away] I toldja I'm faster with old age.

Jared: I'm pretty, he's fast. And getting faster. So, to clarify, what is on our Fuck It List?

Question: Yes.

Jared: Jesus Christ. [audience laughs] Not Jesus Christ! [Jensen mimes crossing himself] Nec-Necrophilia is not my thing to let live.

Jared: I'm sorry?

Question: Would you like to hear mine so you could have some inspiration?

Jared: Yeah.

Jensen: Sure, let's do that. This is gonna be grrreat.

Question: I would personally like to spend time on my Dungeons & Dragons campaign and stop working as hard as I do right now.

Jensen: Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Wait. You'd rather work on your Dungeons & Dragons campaign and work less? Is that what you said? This is its problem, this is what's wrong with our society - that's, that's, you can't, that's not a -

Audience member: That takes work!

Jensen: No! No! You -

Jared: [repeating] It takes work! I believe 'em, I believe 'em. Okay, then thank you for setting the boundaries.

Jensen: Where'd all the workforce go? They're playing Dungeons & Dragons! Because of a list that rhymes with Bucket List!

Jared: You got it. That's why the government shut down.

Jensen: Yes! They're all playing D&D!

Jared: Here in DC! Fair enough, fair enough. Okay, my F It List, uhhhh... That's really tough. Good question. Uhhhh... God, I'm stumped, dude. Like, I don't - I'm stumped. I don't have a fallback, I'm thinking, my - whatever hamsters are left in my brain [makes circling motion next to his head] are furiously running -

Audience member: I can see smoke!

Jared: Space Mountain?

Question: It can be something small, it doesn't have to be this big grand thing.

Jared: Woah, why does size matter?

Question: It's how you use it, you're right, it's how you use it.

Jensen: For those of you who are new, um, I apologize.

Jared: For my friend here, he's a little slow.

Jensen: The train has derailed.

Jared: It was never on the tracks.

Jensen: It was never - it was -

Jared: Um. It's - [to questioner] do you have kids?

Question: No.

Jared: Okay. So I think it changes when you have kids. For me, I would love to travel.

Question: With them?

Jared: What's that?

Question: With them?

Jared: ...

Jensen: [gives questioner A Look] I'll repeat his question, do you have kids?

[both mime kicking something away]

Jared: Yeah, am I under oath? Am I being subpoenaed? Um, fuck no! They can travel as well somewhere! They're welcome to, just not where I am. [laughs] Uh, sure, with kids, yes. Just in case my wife watches this on YouTube, I want to travel with the kids for my wife [Jensen exaggeratedly winks] Because I love them so very much. Believe it. [laughs] Jensen?

Jensen: No!

Jared: You can't put no on your Fuck It List.

Jensen: No. No! I don't have either list. I got responsibilities!

Jared: What's on your responsibility list?

Jensen: I can't just go play D&D! [Jared laughs] I got people that - mouths to feed. My house's lights to keep on.

Question: I have two cats!

Jensen: I gotta go to work!

Jared: She has two cats!

Jensen: I got an idea, take your lists [dramatic pause] not gonna say it. Not gonna say it. Um, but you heard me.

Jared: Osmosis.

Jensen: No, I'm gonna be honest, I really - I have been asked Bucket List, I have not been asked the Fuck It List before, but I honestly don't have it. And I mean that, I'm still in the age of, like, I have responsibilities, I have things that I need to do? That I need to get done, that I want to get done in order to facilitate certain things in my life. Some of those bring me joy, and some of those are just responsibilities that I need to take care of because I'm an adult.

Jared: He doesn't know how y'all do things in Alexandria, Virginia, but he's got some shit to do.

[danielle-dna]

How Andy Mixed Her Groove Back - 1

It has been a dumpster fire of a year. The summer of 2023 and for the first time in my life, I had nothing to do. I had just finished my A - levels and while patiently waiting for a dull, miserable exam board to decide my fate, I had found myself thinking: what do I do with all this newly accuired free time?

The first thing on my growing to-do list was to sleep. Sleep and I were like a pair of coworkers who clearly have a thing for each other, but for some reason things never get past the first base. I had suffered with insomnia for about half a decade, but with the burden of schoolwork and idiot teachers who clearly didn't care about my future, I had managed to seduce Mr Sleep on a few occations.

Despite my mental and physical exhaustion, the first thing i did when I returned home from my final exam was to bin all of my notes for the three miserable subjects I have chosen: chemistry, maths and biology. The latter I actually enjoyed. I picked up the nearest Primark paper bags, dumped all the papers and threw them in the nearest recycling bin. Just because I suffered, doesn't mean that mother Earth has to suffer too.

Now the big question remained: what the hell should I do for the rest of the summer? I had a job that I hated, a very hard earned £6000 resting in my bank account and an empty notebook that was begging to be filled with ideas and revolutionary patents.

I spent the first two weeks laying in bed, napping or watching Sex and the city. It got me thinking: why can't my life be as fabulous as the one of Samantha Jones. A beautiful, confident woman with a great job and incredible style. Her hair always seemed to be on point and she had a decent amount of luck in her life.

My karma wasn't the greatest. I was not blessed with fabulous genetics or charisma, instead I was blessed with a revenge complex and PCOS. The latter was recently diagnosed.

My luck could be best described in the following situation: one night I decided to clean my brushes and combs. I boiled the water, put some baking soda and detergent in a bucked and soaked all my tools for a while.

After I finished, I placed them on a shelf where I usually keep them in the bathroom and one of the combs fell directly in the toilet. I believe no further explanation is needed.

If there is a god, I think he must be laughing his ass off with a giant bag of popcorn, while staring at my life like it's a bad sitcom.

That was until he came into my life. Simon Riley. And at that moment, my life started to look less like a bad sitcom and more like an old porn tape the greasy uncle has hidden in his garage, right next to the playboy collection.

I firmly believe that all parents want their kids to be a better version of themselves. Due to my socioeconomic household, I was always encouraged to never give up and work hard. But what do we do, when our hard work doesn't pay off? Do we throw in the towel? Or keep going, blindly hoping that despite all odds, our work will pay off someday?

This was not the best time for me to get philosophical. My life was not a Sex and the city episode, where despite all the shit, somehow everything works out well and everybody stays happy. So I decided to make a Summer Bucket List. It included everything I wanted to do this summer. Well, mostly the things I have wanted to do since forever, but either didn't have the time or lacked the mental enery.

Whenever I told Simon about it, he thought it was a great idea. He said it's good that I have aspirations for myself. When I asked him about his aspirations, he pulled me closer and we did the Devils' tango all night.

I can appreciate his honesty.

[imnotevenhere9]

If you're still doing Matchups, could I please get one for Lotr and The Hobbit please? Thanks so much!

🌱 She/They Nonbinary // Bisexual // Autistic and Chronically Ill with a bonus Anxiety Disorder // 18 years old at the moment

🌱 I know a lot of Home Remedies and Superstitions for like no reason. For instance, did you know that Raspberry Tea helps with Menstrual Pain, or that knocking on wood invokes the protection of the tree spirit and that’s why it’s said to give you luck? I don’t know why I know that, but I do.

🌱 Winning a fight is on my bucket list, but it has to be for a good reason. I’m not one to just pick fights for the sake of fighting, and I’m actually pretty conflict-averse, so I need to actually have a solid reason for throwing hands. But I’ve always wanted to do it for some reason.

🌱 I often get the inexplicable urge to bake something, so my loved ones just kinda end up with surprise brownies and zucchini bread at random. This habit has only worsened over Quarantine, of course.

🌱 I really like studying Witchcraft for some reason. The first spell I ever performed was a Healing Spell to help my friend who was sick with Crohn's Disease. Thirty minutes after performing the ritual, I got a text saying he felt a lot better and he was released from the hospital a couple days later, so I guess it must’ve worked. 😁

🌱 My love language is definitely gift giving. I’m pretty cheap, but I’m also an artist, so when push comes to shove I’ll just make something for someone when I like them. I pay very close attention to what people like because it gives me more ideas on how to interact with them. I’m essentially a large, flightless Crow. You were nice, so you get something shiny. But though I like giving gifts to others, I’m not very materialistic at all. I prefer to be practical when it comes to things, and I get very nervous when spending money.

🌱 I LOVE going outside and getting messy. Playing in the mud, getting soaked in the rain, I’m the type to go outside and come back home covered in dirt and twigs. It’s just really fun to me.

🌱My Dad’s a really good cook and I seem to have inherited that gene. He actually has me make dinner whenever we’re having eggs because I always cook them better than he does.

🌱 I’ve always wanted to be a really good gardener. My dream house is just covered in flowers and plants and such. I want to live in a Greenhouse, basically.

🌱 I have a habit of giggling to myself just by remembering something funny that happened, even if it was a couple years ago. I also laugh when I do something stupid, because I find my flaws and shortcomings funny for the most part. I love to laugh with people, but never at them.

🌱 You know the sort of “Girl Next Door” trope? That’s my type. Like the guy in the dorm just down the hall, or the girl in my neighborhood who I casually flirt with. I’m a sucker for cute little interactions like that, so it’s not too much of a surprise that I always fall for people like that. I never forget people I meet on the road, and often find myself hoping to meet up with them again someday.

🌱 I know way too much about Spirits and Fae. My favorite book is called ‘The Encyclopedia of Spirits’ and it shows you how to contact and interact with a ton of different deities and spirits, and I’m addicted to reading it. It’s the best.

🌱 I’m basically like a tiny, less-impressive Aragorn. I love travelling on foot, getting messy outside, I was kind of a Horse Girl as a kid ngl, I’ve always wanted to be a knight or king of some sort, chances are that I haven’t bathed in awhile, and I too would pine for a hot elf girl for literal years on end.

🌱 I always have to have some sort of weight on me to feel comfortable, because of my Autism. That usually takes the form of a large backpack stuffed with books and snacks, or a big jacket. However, my muscles are always pretty stiff and achy, so that does kinda backfire too.

🌱My closest friends say I give off “Dwobbit” vibes. That’s a ½ Dwarf and ½ Hobbit btw. I’m around 4’ 10” tall, I don’t shave, I love crafting and art, I live in the Mountains, I’m tomboyish but I also love gardening and can be a bit of a homebody, I love going barefoot, etc.

🌱 I really love History, Folklore, Mythology and Fairy Tales. My favorite is the Irish myth of Oisín in Tir Na Nog. Look it up if you don’t know it, it’s a fantastic story. But I also appreciate myths from all sorts of different cultures, like the myth of Annapurna in India or the tale of Princess Kaguya in Japan. Did you know that in Mesopotamian Mythology, Nonbinary People were said to be given the gift of prophecy and magic by the goddess Ishtar? And that a recurring figure in Slavic Folklore is the Snake King, who’s just a big ol’ snake with a doofy looking crown? I love it.

🌱 I’m an Aquarius, INFP and 4w5 if that means anything. For reference, characters who are also 4w5 INFPs include Lydia Deetz (Beetlejuice), Wirt (Otgw), Frankenstein’s Monster, Luna Lovegood (HP), Napstablook (Undertale), The Phantom of the Opera, and Celeste from Animal Crossing. That kinda tells you a lot about me, doesn’t it?

🌱 I’ve been growing my hair out, so it’s getting pretty long too. It’s always messy, and I both use a lot of conditioner and it naturally curls when wet, so I basically end up having a very fluffy mane with a lot of stray hairs and weird curls. Also, fun fact, I never learned how to braid because I’ve only really made friends with boys and I have very poor hand-eye coordination when it comes to such things. And my hair is so thin and fluffy that it’s impossible to tame anyways, so the best I can do is put it in a ponytail, since I’m basically incapable of doing anything fancier than that. When worst comes to worse, I have plenty of hats though.

🌱 I have really pale skin that’s always covered in moles, freckles (especially on my arms) and lots of scabs. It’s also getting warmer out, so chances are that I have a farmer’s tan. I have blue eyes and glasses.

🌱 I have a habit of seeing shadows move out of the corners of my eyes, frequently mistaking them for people or animals, but when I turn to look there’s nothing there. I’ve gotten my eyesight checked multiple times, but there’s nothing out of the ordinary, so it’s either a lack of sleep, or the Fae are getting antsy with me. Probably the former of course, but part of me would like to believe the

Oof, sorry that description was so long! I really hope you don't mind. Thanks so much in advance!!

A/n: I made it really wholesome (at least in my eyes), so I hope you like it! ^_^

Masterlist • Prompts • S/o match ups • Taglist

S/o from The Hobbit: Kili! 

will take your hands and kiss all the moles and freckles when you two are alone

listens to you talking about Fairy Tales while hugging you from behind and plays with your hair

likes to fall asleep with you on his chest, so he can plent small kisses on your head

loves everything you bake, it doesn’t matter if he heard of it or not, he always gets so excited to try what you baked

gives the best massages. He will prepare a bubble bath, help you stretch, whatever makes your achy muscles hurt less

small peaks behind your shoulder when you're

S/o from LOTR: Arwen!

adores your hair. Like literally. She loves to braid them, brush them, run her fingers through them, basically everything you can think of

please share everything you know and learnes about Home Remedies and Superstitions. She loves listening to you talk, it doesn't matter if she already knows all of it, she just wants to listen to you talk about it

your random giggles? In her eyes the cutest thing ever. Just hearing you giggling brightens her day so much

will probably go outside and get messy with you, because she loves to see you happy

gets shy when you give her gifts, she loves them all so much tho

will get you different books about Witchcraft, so you can learn and practice more!

[thepermanentrainpress]

THE PERMANENT RAIN PRESS INTERVIEW WITH AZRIEL DALMAN

He may only be 7 years old, but don’t let numbers fool you. Azriel (Azi) Dalman already has nearly thirty credits to his name! The accomplished young artist from Vancouver has had a big 2020, but there’s no slowing down for Azi, who has a number of exciting upcoming projects to share with the world. 

Your older brother, Aias, is also an actor. While you are only 7 years old, tell us about your interest in following his footsteps, and what made you want to start auditioning for film/TV?

I loved seeing the completed films my brother was in but I didn’t really understand how he got into them. One day, I was 3 maybe, we went to a commercial audition for my brother and the Casting Director came into the waiting room and asked the kids to practice singing “Old MacDonald.” I knew the song and sang it also. They took the kids in to audition as a group and I asked why this was happening. My mom said it was because they were going to see who should be in the commercial where they sing it. I realized what an audition was then, it meant they were trying out to see who got to be on the video. I asked if I could go do it too and my mom said no because it was not my audition, so I asked if I could get auditions too. After that I got an agent. I never got to audition by singing “Old MacDonald” though so I guess that ship has sailed.

What are your favourite movies or characters?

I love Wall-E and Soul for cartoons. For TV Characters I like Jim and Dwight from The Office a lot. I used to want to be Jake Peralta from Brooklyn Nine-Nine and I think I definitely look like him! And of course I love the MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe)!

What is your favourite snack from catering? Is there a food item that you’re most excited to see on the daily menu on-set?

My favourite is a drink, it’s the iced tea. I also like M&Ms but I’m only supposed to have the yellow or orange ones or my mouth will change colours which annoys the people who do makeup... I don’t want to stress them out. I like beef jerky and ramen bowls too but they usually hide those on the truck so you have to ask for them special. For lunch I like trying the new things but my favourite most recent new food was crunchy pork! The 3rd ADs are so nice and deliver the food to my trailer but I like to go for a walk after we eat in the trailer and say hi to the catering people and look at the dessert. On this last project, they learned I liked watermelon on the first day and kept keeping special watermelon for me.

You recently wrapped Coyote Creek Christmas, your first Hallmark Christmas Movie! Congratulations! You worked opposite Ryan Paevey (as your father) and Janel Parrish, tell us about your experience working with Ryan and Janel.

Ryan and Janel are the best humans. They are both down to earth, kind, patient, friendly, funny, loving, talented, and FUN. It was so much fun to work with them because they treated me like a real friend and with a lot of respect. They included me in all of their talks and fun, and never made me feel like I was annoying them because I am a kid. I was very excited to see them every day and now I ask to see their Instagram posts because I love looking at their pictures! I am not surprised they work a lot, they are so good at acting and being around them is so easy. Ryan knows everything about bugs and Pokémon. Both of them are obsessed with dogs and when they saw someone walk by with a dog, they would hug and kiss the dogs... random dogs! It was really funny. They taught me a lot of acting tips also, both on purpose and by accident.

We saw on Instagram that Ryan took you to see Free Guy at the movie theater! Was it easy for you to bond as father-son?

It was easy and instant and it feels like I’ve always known Ryan as a real uncle or something. Sometimes when I am someone’s kid in a movie, I have to do real acting to pretend I am their kid, not because they aren’t nice but because I don’t know them well and I don’t really get to know them too well on the project. With Ryan I didn’t really have to do any acting to pretend I knew him, because I got to know him fast.

What can you share about your character, Noah Bailey?

I don’t think I can say too many spoilers, but I will say that Noah gets to be sarcastic and funny, and I love that. I don’t get to be funny on a MOW (movie of the week) usually, I just get to be cute or scared or sad. Noah was supposed to be a 10-year-old so I got to do some smart lines! And we have some funny scenes too. Ryan said one of the scenes we have together is his favourite scene he has ever done because it’s so funny and cute, and I thought that was really cool.

You can now cross this career goal off your list! Why was a Hallmark Christmas Movie on your bucket list; what do you (and your family) enjoy about them each holiday season?

Christmas movies are the kind of movies you watch every year like a tradition and I love things that are a tradition. My family lives in Vancouver, Canada but MOST of my family lives in America so we don’t get to see them at Christmas. I wanted to be in a Christmas movie so my family far away could see me on the TV at Christmas when they are missing me and so I can watch the movie with my kids when I’m a grown up and say “haha that is me!” For Christmas my family puts up a tree and we eat really good food. We also watch Christmas movies like Rankin/Bass movies, Home Alone, and Die Hard which is definitely a Christmas movie. I basically love everything about Christmas, especially the decorating. My birthday is 2 days after Christmas so I think I’m a Christmas Boy for sure.

Is it funny to see Christmas decorations and fake snow in the summer?

It was a little bit funny but it was also confusing! My brain kept forgetting what season it was. My mom warned me over and over again with every Christmas movie audition that it would be hot, but the joke was on her because we actually had some days that were cold! There were only one or two reallllly hot outside days. We got very lucky. I think the times it was hot on set it was mostly because of the gear and no air conditioning being on. Air conditioning is too loud for movies, I think. It wrecks the sound or something.

You are set to star in the short film Dragon Fruit. What can you share about this project?

Dragon Fruit is going to be so good. The Director, Jeremy Brown, is really nice and smart and made the whole experience really special for all the actors. His props and special effects are amazing... he makes them almost all himself... and the film is going to be... guess what... a sci-fi! It’s post-apocalyptic. A funny thing about it is that I am very dirty in the film so I would go to set clean and they would basically put fake dirt all over me and make my hair messy, then when I left they would clean me up! On one of the shoot dates I had to do a live interview in the middle of the day for another project, so they had to make me dirty, clean me up, and then make me dirty again, and then clean me up again!

Yvonne Chapman will play your mother. She is remarkable in the CW’s Kung Fu as Zhilan. Did it surprise you to see her as the villain in the show?

I was shocked she was a villain because in real life she is definitely NOT a villain type, she is so nice. She is obviously very good at acting! But I am not surprised she is so tough in that show because she does some really tough things in Dragon Fruit too! Yvonne is really nice to work with also, she sits and talks to me and makes jokes with me. I am wrapped on Dragon Fruit now which is sort of sad, because we did it for like 6 months or something, but at least it means the film will be out soon.

You have a part in the action sci-fi Moonfall out next year, and you even made it into the teaser trailer! How exciting! While you likely cannot say much about Sonny Child, what can you share about your initial reaction to booking this movie?

Everything about Moonfall was very exciting. The audition was one of the first ones I got after the forced break by COVID and when we saw it was in Montreal and they were auditioning kids all over Canada we thought it was a long shot, but auditions are opportunities that can be very rare, so you should always do an audition if you are comfortable with it, and always do your best. Anyway yeah, this one was far from Vancouver so when I booked it, we were extra shocked and grateful. Honestly even after the booking, we were not sure it would really happen because of the virus and how things changed every day, so we did not even believe it would happen until we were on the plane! Montreal was the best, I loved it there so much, and I hope I get to work at Grande Studios again!

Did you get to meet and interact with your director, Roland Emmerich? What did you learn from him, and had you (or maybe your parents!) watched any of his previous films?

Yes of course, Roland was the Director so he directed me! Before we left, I watched Independence Day and I was very impressed and thought “This guy really knows what he is doing! I better know my role well!” Roland was very nice and so was Harald (Kloser). They both gave me lots of compliments and I loved that! It was very full-on too, I worked every minute of my time on set there with the exception of my legal breaks and lunch. I loved it so much and I hope I will get to work with Roland on another project someday. I don’t know how to specifically describe what I learned without spoilers, but yeah it was a huge learning opportunity.

What is your favourite object you have gotten to take home from any set?

It’s impossible to choose just one! These are in no order, ok? The first thing is actually TECHNICALLY a lot of things because I often get to take home wardrobe from my character’s “closet” when we wrap. I am obsessed with clothes and was given really cool clothing from the costumers on many sets. Most recently I got a mint hoody I love. I audition in those clothes a lot for good luck. The second thing is a special prop that Jeremy Brown MADE me on Dragon Fruit as a wrap gift. There is a super cool secret weapon in the movie that I will not spoil, and Jeremy MADE me a safer toy version of it. Before my mom saw it was a toy version, she looked very scared when he handed it to me! Third, there are two special items Noah Bailey ALWAYS has with him in Coyote Creek Christmas (no spoilers!) and Ryan, David Strasser (the Director), and Antonio Cupo (the Executive Producer) presented them to me TO KEEP AS GIFTS at wrap in front of the whole crew. It was very special. I am saving these things forever, even some of the clothes! AND one more ok? Fourth, I get to keep the signs that say my name on my set chair and/or trailer door during projects. I hang those up on my wall in my room.

Is there a dream role or character you would like to play in the future? If not character, are there any specific film/TV genres or franchises you would like to be in?

Ok so here’s the thing. I had a few wishes that I wanted to come true in acting... one was the Christmas movie... and one was to play a very specific other actor’s sibling in something. GUESS WHAT? Both those things came true in 2021. Do you know the odds of that sibling thing coming true... my mom said it seemed impossible! But it did come true SOMEHOW. So now I am setting my goals super high and not worrying about how impossible they seem or how many there are. My biggest next goal is to be in Marvel ANYTHING. And you know what, I think Ryan should be in Marvel too, so I think my next goal is to be in Marvel with Ryan! I also want to be a voice of a video game character pretty badly! I also want to do some comedy!

What are your favourite places to visit or eat at in Vancouver?

I am obsessed with sushi and Korean food and lately my favourite place is Shabusen Yakiniku House because you can get both. There’s also a place on Granville Street called The Colony that has a bunch of old arcade games and I love that place too but we haven’t been since before COVID. I hope it’s still there.

You also enjoy other forms of arts like ballet, reading, and writing comics. How do you find the time for all your activities, school, and your growing career in film?

Oh I have a lot of free time. It’s weird. It sounds like I do a lot of stuff but lots of other kids tell me they do like 10 activities really well! I don’t want to do 10 activities because I really like relaxing, so instead of doing like 10, I want to do a few and just do them really well. Ballet is great because I feel like a ninja in the clothes, I don’t have to audition to do it, and it’s definitely a sport. Reading and writing comics I can do while relaxing, and even when I’m on set!

Tell us about the role your parents play in your life and career, not only for you but your brother as well! You keep them busy, but they must be so supportive of you.

My mom does mostly all the acting stuff like keeping track of the auditions and taping and going to set. My dad is a little nervous about going to set for some reason, but I think he would be fine! We are very busy but no one seems to ever complain. The only time it’s a little sad is when we are apart for long during filming but we always do video calls then.

For other young actors like yourself, do you have any advice for how to be confident in front of the camera? What (or who) has helped you prepare for roles and memorize lines?

I think to feel confident you have to know what you are doing. I was confident when I was 3 for some random reason, and then I took some acting classes at LeBlanc School of Acting and those helped me know what I was doing for sure. I have had lots of coaches teach me stuff like Julian, Athena, Kirsten, Natalie, Brian, and Beatrice are a few of their names. Sorry if I forgot anyone! For most specific auditions, I use the things ALL those people taught me and then I work with my brother on the specific scripts. Oh and on the set of my last movie, my new actor friend Naomi King told me that you should learn the scene not the lines... but you will definitely learn the lines once you learn the scene!

We have our signature question for you – if you could be any ice cream flavour, which would you be and why?

Well... I would not want to be ice cream! But if I had to be, I’d definitely be Green Tea or Mango.

Thanks for the insight into your projects and thoughts, Azi! We cannot wait to see you return to action on our screens, and follow as your career grows. To stay up to date on Azi’s upcoming projects and get a behind the scenes look into his busy and exciting life, follow him on Instagram. 

Photo credit (top) to: Candace Woods Special thanks to: NoodleHead Productions

[nctinfo]

[TRANS] Doyoung’s interview with Grazia September 2019 issue!

Q: I heard you participated in the recording for the Idol Sports Athletic Championships <ISAC> yesterday? A: Yes. I also competed in archery. 

Q: Actually, you are considered a member who doesn't like moving. It must have been a big decision. A: At the very least, I participated in a sport that requires the least movement. hahaha.

Q: Can we look forward to an outstanding performance? A: In last year's New Year special of <ISAC> we won the silver medal in archery. This time, I practiced a lot whenever I had time so I think it's good to look forward to it.

Q: So you actually practiced A: All the idols who participated in a competition practiced. I especially practiced a lot this time so I was personally also kinda looking forward to it. The archery teacher too thought it was a shame we just won the silver medal last time, so he also put in more effort into teaching us. 

Q: Since January this year, starting in Seoul, you've been around the world from North America to South America, Asia, and even Europe to hold concerts. Since you had been touring for over 6 months, you must have learned a lot? A: I personally did, but I also think our team has grown quite a bit. We've been really busy for almost half a year. Especially in the case of the U.S. tour, we performed every other day so it was physically demanding. However, I think this difficult process made us able to grow. And thanks for the fans' support, I was able to overcome the difficult times mentally and physically. I felt the importance of the fans once again during this tour. I really thought of them as a big support to help me endure. I really realized they are a huge comfort for me to help me withstand.

Q: Please share any special memorable moments that happened during the tour with us A: The show in Atlanta was especially memorable. It was where pop artists, who we know just by hearing their names, have held concerts before and all their pictures are hanging in a large hallway. Among them, only artists who sell-out will be given the 'sold out'-sign. Thankfully, our show got sold-out so we got the sign on our picture too and because of that I felt very strange.

Q: The distances you traveled during the tour were huge. You must have spent a lot of time on the plane. What do you usually do (during the flight)? A: I like to watch dramas, so I downloaded a lot of dramas and movies. However during the tour, since we didn't have much rest, I spent most of it sleeping. 

Q: Then, what do you always have to carry with you on board/ A: an iPad to watch dramas and AirPods. There's not much more than that (laughs).

Q: What do you, recently, like to watch? A: A while ago I had a lot of fun watching <Search: WWW>. Also, although it might sound like I'm doing a promo, but my hyung (actor Gongmyung) is starring in a drama nowadays. I wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't a fun drama but his drama <Melo Is My Nature> is pretty fun.

Q: We can't miss talking about your appearance on <King of Masked Singer>. You made quite a hot topic after receiving more than 70 votes in three consecutive rounds and going to the finals. A: I was preparing (for my performance) while we were on tour and although it was busy and hectic, it was a special experience. I was really happy during the whole process as I originally always loved singing. Actually, since my trainee days, <King of Masked Singer> has been a program I wanted to compete on. My desire to receive good results were, as expected, big. However, as the recording day was nearing, I thought it was more important to have fun with myself. So I sang songs that I like and do well at. 

Q: Usually, when you appear on King of Masked Singer you have to keep it a secret until you reveal yourself. How was it? Did you keep it a secret from the NCT members? A: Anyhow, because I had to prepare, they saw me go out for practice at dawn so then I honestly told them. Although there were some members who didn't ask me until the very end. They saw me for the first time during the broadcast hahaha.

Q: How did the members react after seeing the broadcast? A: Actually, the members were more interested in the sexy dance I showed as a personal talent than the song I performed. It created quite the buzz so I was teased a lot (laughs).

Q: After seeing (your) past interview, I can really tell you love your voice A: Since I was young, I hoped my voice would be a bit more unique. Since I felt it wasn't really special, I wanted to have my own vocal color. So I tried to follow people whom you can recognize after just listening to one bar and who has special tones. But as time went by, I realized it's nice to have a voice like mine, one that people don't really dislike and is nice to listen to. I really like my own voice now (laughs).

Q: Doyoung's singing skills is something anyone will acknowledge. When I look at your NCT Music YouTube Channel, you especially cover song of female singers, is there a particular reason? A: There's not really a specific reason. But I think it's the beauty to paint the cover with your own color that will set you apart from the original artists. When I cover a song by female singers, I can lower the vocal range or color it with my own voice and I'm free to choose what I want to do. I think that's probably why I often pick (female artists songs). And it's also simply because they are my favourite artists. (laughs).

Q: When I watch your cover videos I can tell you use a lot of different concepts and put a lot of thought into them. A: I'm the type to prepare many different things when I do something myself. For example, I think about where to use a mic or not, and if so, what kind of mic and also if I should shoot a video separately or not after recording (the cover). The song is important but I'm one to actively comment on what would go well with the video. 

Q: Not long ago, you brother Gongmyung said that traveling with his younger brother was something that was on his bucket list. Did you know of this plan? A: I knew because we always talked about going on a trip together, but it isn't easy for us to find a when we're both free. I really want to go someday. I think it would be fun to show you our trip through a reality show..

Q: Where would you like to go if you were to travel together? A: Actually, the place doesn't matter. My brother and I don't really enjoy drinking much but we would still drink a bit (laughs). So I think it would be fun to travel around to find the local sake of each region.

Q: I heard your personal slogan is 'Let's live like myself'. So how is it to live as Doyoung? A: I'm the type to believe that I can do well and lives thinking positively. For example, I think to myself, ‘I am doing well right now' and  'I am cool' when I'm shooting a pictorial. I try to believe in myself.

Q: Then, what did you tell yourself during the shoot earlier? A: Hahaha. Actually, I was kinda embarrassed but the staff's support is really amazing... (laughs).

Q: What is something special to Doyoung only? A: Although the same might go for other singers, but I really love to sing. I realized it's my love for singing and the fans' support that helps me overcome the hard times when I'm tired.

Q: It might seem like a big question, but what is Doyoung's life goal? A: Since I was young I had chosen artists who are the artists of my life. Because I've been listening to Park Hyoshin, Adam Levine, Oasis and Taeyeon sunbaenim since I was young, I will be able to say a lot of credit will go to them when I become a good vocalist in the future. Although I might add more (artists) in the future, but I think it's my life goal and iron rule to sing like them.

Q: What kind of artists do you dream of to be? A: It's my dream to do music which people who listen to will love rather than just doing music only I like. I hope to experience many more places, with many more songs and have a great time together with lots of people.

Q: The dream of someone who wanted to be a singer since he was young has already come true. What's is your next dream? A: Maybe not to the extent of directing, but I want to challenge producing a performance/concert. Although I'm still lacking and am not at that level yet, I hope to be become someone who can share and express their opinions during the preparations for my own performance someday.

Translation: Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: Grazia Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

[purplesurveys]

666

hi i’m a little drunk/hungover lmao so just a disclaimer if some of the answers sound a lil too out-there

What is your middle name? ‘Middle name’ is always a tricky term given the different naming customs in the Philippines. My second given name is Isabelle, but what means middle name here is basically my mom’s original surname before getting married, and I’m not giving that away haha. What was your first job? I haven’t had my first job but my first legit internship was at a PR firm. What is your favorite pizza topping? It’s not the most popular opinion out there, but barbecue chicken. I tried BBQ pizza once and never looked back. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? Katrina was the name of my first and only imaginary friend. I was annoyed it wouldn’t talk back to me, so I ditched her after like seven minutes. What was the name of the first pet that you loved? Tobi, my rabbit. He was a sweet one.

How tall are you? Somewhere between 5′1′ and 5′2″ but definitely not 5′2″. List three celebrities that are your height. Lady Gaga and AJ Lee are sort of my height, but I can’t think of a third one. What was your first CD? Pretty sure it was the Camp Rock soundtrack. If not, it would be Beyoncé’s I Am... Sasha Fierce. Idk, they came out the same year. Does your zodiac sign fit your personality? I’m a Taurus, and I’d say most of the descriptions/habits attributed to Tauruses apply to me, but then again so do the descriptions for all the other signs. What is your zodiac sign? ^ What is your Chinese zodiac sign? Year of the tiger. Does your Chinese zodiac sign fit your personalIty? I never cared for Chinese beliefs, so I don’t know how Tiger babies are supposed to be like. What is your favorite color? Right now it’s pastel pink but I also like black, sky blue, and mustard yellow. What was your first favorite color? Purple, because it was my great-grandma’s favorite and all her stuff used to be purple. Which travel destination is top on your bucket list? Right now, it’s Thailand because of all the museums, temples, and street food. Plus I want to conquer Southeast Asia first before I head out to other continents, haha. Have you ever been on a missions trip? Never. Back in my old school they used to give out envelopes to each of us once a year so those who were willing could donate to fund the people going on such trips, but that’s pretty much my only experience with the whole thing. What's your shoe size? My feet can fit in either size 6.5 or 7 shoes. What grade were you in when you had your first crush? My first legit non-celebrity crush was embarrassingly my Grade 5 science teacher. But if we counted reality in the picture, it was Andi, in Grade 6. What color hair did your first crush have? Black. Does anyone know who your first crush was? Not really. It was a small crush and she’s since migrated and is hella straight, so it would be weird to bring up a crush I had ten years ago. It probably wouldn’t be as weird if we stayed close, but we have definitely drifted apart since then. Who was your first celebrity crush? Ashley Tisdale. And that crush was also the reason Ashley was my favorite girl’s name throughout my childhood and tween years haha. Do you keep a diary or journal and write in it frequently? This is essentially my diary. I wouldn’t say I post frequently, especially when I’m busy with school. I usually post during weekends when I have some free time. What was/were the best years of your life so far? The latter half of high school was great, and so was the second half of my time in college. The thing with me is that my adjustment periods in new experiences usually initially go down messily and miserably for me and it takes a while for me to warm up to the environment and the people. But once I do, I end up having the good time I had been envisioning and wishing for. Do you have regrets? I have one big one, but that’s it. I don’t like storing regrets in my head. What do you regret the most? I’ve always felt sorry for myself for having a hard time adjusting in new places. It something I could never help; my first years in high school were marred by failing marks and having no friends, and my first years in college were also spent having no friends, no place to stay in but my car during my breaks, and a lot of self-pity crying and self-harming in said car. I know it was something I felt and couldn’t get out of during the time, but I wish someone told me to just not be afraid and start doing stuff much earlier. There’s been a number of opportunities that I let fly by me just because I was depressed and moped around all day. While I’m grateful for the experiences I have now, I just regret the fact that I could have had more if I didn’t adjust so badly. Are you double-jointed? Nope. What are you allergic to? No allergies. Have you ever owned a designer purse? A couple, but tbh they are hand-me-downs from my mom. Do you wear contacts or glasses? Glasses. I can’t imagine wearing contacts, I hate the idea of putting, dropping, or inserting anything in my eyes :/ Have you ever had to use an epi pen? I have not. Do you prefer online shopping or in-store shopping? In-store for clothes so I get to try them on or see their actual size; online shopping for literally everything else. Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Like I said in a previous survey, I still question it to this day. I’ve been in one relationship so I don’t really have a grasp of what I want, but it’s never bothered me... it’s not something I feel pressured to know or discover. Demisexual seems to fit me best, so that’s what I go by most days. Did you ever dream of running away from home? I did, as most disgruntled, emo, puberty-stricken teenagers do. What color was your first phone? I think the phone itself was gray? but I got it with a red Winnie the Pooh case. Who do you know who is colorblind? I may know someone, but I’m probably not aware that they are. Do you know anyone with Down's syndrome? Yesssss, one of my aunt’s has Down’s and she is the sweetest, most adorable person. How much do you weigh (only answer if comfortable)? The only time this question has been asked politely lmao. I’m a little under 100 lbs. Have you ever been overweight? Never. I’ve always been either underweight or just...healthy weight lol. Name one friend you miss. [continued from yesterday, so I’m definitely not hungover anymore haha] Sofie. She used to be a best friend, so I miss her the most out of all my past friends. Have you ever made a huge mistake? I’d be surprised if anyone also aged 21 hasn’t made a big mistake in their lives. What pharmacy do you use? My family never really needs to go to pharmacies. Our go-to drugstore is Mercury Drug, if anything. Do you take a lot of prescription meds? Nope.

Do you take vitamins? I used to, but my mom stopped buying when I was like 15 or 16. How many pairs of Lularoe leggings do you own? Zero. Do you prefer skinny jeans or jeggings? Both sound uncomfortable, but I’d wear skinny jeans between the two. What color is your Christmas tree? Green. What color Christmas tree do you want to have in your hosuse someday? Just plain old traditional green would be fine. It makes everything feel Christmassy the most. What color house did you grow up in? It’s white with a red roof and a maroon gate. Have you ever been baptized? If so, how and where? Yep. I got a Catholic baptism and if I’m not mistaken it was in a church in Makati. Do you ever feel embarrased and think to yourself, "I'm so stupid"? Duh. Do you think you look better with long or short haIr? Short hair. I actually just got a haircut (my first in nearly two years) and finally got bangs like half an hour ago lmao. What type of wedding do you want? I don’t know about ‘types’ of weddings... but my dream wedding would be big but still traditional, held in a huge venue with lots of flowers with either an all-white or pastel motif (or a bit of both) and 200-300 guests with delicious food and an open bar and a great live band. Who is someone you wanted to be able to trust but just couldn't? An old friend back in Grade 5 who ultimately taught me how much trust is supposed to mean, Marielle. Do you read a devotional? No. What's your favorite devotional? Where did you go on your first plane ride? My family and I went to Boracay. Who is your favorite Disney princess? Rapunzel from Tangled. Are you taller or shorter or the same height as your mom? I’m a bit shorter. Do you wish you could afford expensive make-up? Nah, I never wear makeup so it wouldn’t make sense for me to buy them to begin with. Do you make some of the stupidest decisions? I make at least one every day. What country would you most like to visit? Morocco! Or Turkey. What is your heritage? Filipino. What was your first job? I haven’t had a job. Did you like your first job? What are all the jobs you've had? What are jobs you'd like to have? These days I look for money more than fulfillment, so I think I’d be happy with any job that makes me loaded at the end of the day lmao. Have you ever experienced something supernatural? I have not, but I’ve endlessly heard stories from family and friends who have. Do you believe in God? Absolutely not. Do you love God with all your heart? Who is your best friend? Gabie. Do you make your bed every day? Yeah I do. My mom requires me to and besides, it feels so much better coming home to a neat bed. How do you most commonly wear your hair? I usually wear it down. Which family member did you get your hair color from? All Filipinos have black hair. What is your natural hair color? ^

[nctdaoying]

190819 GRAZIA Magazine September Issue - Interview with Doyoung

190819 GRAZIA Magazine September Issue - Interview with Doyoung 

Translation by @nctdaoying (Twitter) / take out with credit.

Editor’s note: “I sat face-to-face with NCT’s Doyoung, a person who wants to sing for a long time, and during the time (I sat facing him), I saw a new face which I have never seen before.”

ISAC

Q: I heard that you took part in the recording for Idol Sports Athletic Championships (ISAC) yesterday?

A: Yes, I competed in the archery competition.

Q: Actually, aren’t you the member who doesn’t like to move the most? You made a huge decision (to participate in ISAC).

A: At least I was in a sport that required me to move the least, hahaha.

Q: Can we look forward to an outstanding performance then?

A: Previously, we won the silver medal for archery in the ISAC New Year Special. This time round, I practiced a lot for archery whenever I had the time, so I think it’s worth looking forward to.

Q: So you actually practiced.

A: All of the idol group members who participated in ISAC practiced. Personally, I really looked forward to it as we specially practiced a lot this time round. And the archery teacher felt that it was a pity that we got silver the last time round so she/he put in even more effort to teach us this time round.

NEOCITY Tour - learning point, memorable moment, time spent on flights, favourite shows

Q: Since January this year, you have been touring round the world, from Seoul to North America, then to South America, Asia, and even Europe. Since you have been touring for over 6 months, did you learn a lot?

A: Personally, I think that our team has grown a lot. I have been busy for more than half of the year. Especially for our U.S. tour, I performed once every two days so it was physically demanding for me. However, I believe that this sort of difficulty is a process for growth. Also, thanks to the support of the fans, I was able to overcome this period of difficulty, both mentally and physically. Through this world tour, I felt just how precious the fans are once again. I really thought of them as great comfort which helped me to endure. 

Q: Please share with us if there was an especially memorable moment during the tour.

A: The Atlanta stop was especially memorable. The venue where we had our concert was the venue where many pop artistes, whom we recognise just by hearing their names, have held their concerts, and their photos were hanging on the wall of the corridor (where the waiting rooms were located). Among them, they only give the “SOLD OUT” sign to the artistes who have sold out their concerts. So thankfully, we sold out our concert as well and had the sign on our photo too, and because of that it felt really strange (to me).

Q: While you were on tour, the distance you travelled must have been really long and you must have spent a lot of time on the plane. What do you do during the flights?

A: I love watching dramas so I downloaded a lot of movies and dramas. But because we didn’t have a lot of time to rest while on tour, I spent most of my time on the plane sleeping.

Q: Are there any necessities that you’d bring along?

A: (My) iPad and airpods to watch dramas. Other than those, nothing else (laughs)

Q: What are the works (movies/dramas) that you like watching recently?

A: Not too long ago, I really enjoyed watching <Search: WWW>. And also even though I might sound like I am promoting my brother (actor Gongmyung), he’s appearing on a new drama recently. I wouldn’t have mentioned it if I thought that it’s not interesting, but I think <Melo is My Nature> is really interesting (laughs).

King of Masked Singer (KOMS), thoughts on his own voice/singing, and cover videos

Q: We can’t go without talking about how you recently became a hot topic after appearing on KOMS and winning 3 rounds with over 70 votes, to go straight to the final deciding round against the Masked King.

A: While on tour, I was preparing for (my performance) even though I was really busy and often lacked the energy as well, but I felt that it was a special experience. Because I love singing originally, so I felt really happy throughout this whole process. To be truthful, KOMS is a programme which I have always wanted to appear on since I was a trainee. Since that was the case, I also had the desire of getting good results. However, as the filming date neared, I started thinking that it was more important for me to truly enjoy the process. So mainly with the songs I love and sing well, I appeared on the show.

Q: Usually, before you appear on KOMS, you will have to keep it a secret, so how was it? Did you keep this a secret from the NCT members?

A: Because I had to prepare, there were members who saw me going out in the wee hours to practice, and asked about it. There were times I replied them truthfully, but there were also members who didn’t ask about it till the end. So those friends will find out for the first time when the show broadcasts, hahaha.

Q: How did the members react after watching the broadcast?

A: To be honest, as compared to my singing, the members paid more attention to the sexy dance I did as my personal talent. Maybe because it had already become a hot topic, so they were busy teasing me about it (laughs).

Q: From the recent interviews I saw, I can tell that you really love your own voice.

A: When I was young, I always wanted my voice to sound unique. I felt that it wasn’t that special and wished that I had my own (vocal) colour. So I’d imitate those singers whom people could recognise after just hearing a small verse - those people their own unique vocal colour. But as time passed, I came to think that the voice should be something like mine, one that people wouldn’t hate or love at first listen, but rather a voice that people can listen to comfortably. Now, I like my voice (smiles).

Q: Your singing ability is one that has been recognised by all. After looking through the NCT Music YouTube Channel, it seems to me that you mainly cover female singers’ songs? Is there a special reason for that?

A: There is no special reason. I just wanted to showcase something that is different from the original singers - I think the beauty of a cover is that I get to add my own colour (to the song). When I cover female singers, I can choose to lower my range or add my own colour (to the song) freely, so that’s why I choose to cover them frequently. And also because they simply are my favourite artistes.

Q: When I watched your cover videos, I discovered that you have a lot of different concepts for them, and it seems like you put a lot of thought into them.

A: I am the type of person who will prepare a lot if I have something that I want to do. For example, I will contemplate a lot over things like whether or not to use a mic when I’m singing, or what type of mic I should use, and whether I need to film the video after recording my singing. Although the song is very important as well, I’d also actively express my opinion on what sort of video would suit me best.

Travelling with Gongmyung

Q: Not too long ago, your brother Gongmyung mentioned that travelling with you is something that is on his bucket list. Did you know about this plan of his?

A: Even though my brother always talks about travelling together, it is really hard to find a day where the both of us are on break. But regardless of when the time comes, I definitely want to go someday. I also think it’d be interesting to show our trip through a reality show.

Q: If the two of you can travel together, where would you like to go to?

A: Actually, it doesn’t matter where we go. Although my hyung and I don’t particularly like to drink, we’re the type who would still drink a little (laughs). So I think travelling together to find the specialty liquors unique to different areas will be fun.

Life Motto & photoshoot

Q: I heard that your motto is “let’s live like myself”. So how is it like to be living like Doyoung?

A: I’m the type who firmly believes that I can do well and lives while thinking positively. For example, I would think of things like “I am doing great now” or “I am cool” when I have a photoshoot. I strive to do my best in believing in myself.

Q: So what sort of thoughts did you have when you had your photoshoot just now?

A: Hahaha, to be honest, I was a little embarrassed just now. The staff’s cheers were amazing… (laughs)

Something special to Doyoung

Q: What is something that is special only to Doyoung?

A: It may be the same for other singers, but I really love singing. I have come to the conclusion that when I am going through a hard time or feel tired, I am only able to overcome them simply because of my love for singing, and because of the fans’ support for me.

Ultimate goal in life & artiste he envisions himself to be

Q: This may be a big question, but what is Doyoung’s ultimate goal in life?

A: There are people who I have acknowledged as the artistes of my life since I was young. I have been listening to the songs of Park Hyoshin, Adam Levine, Oasis, and Taeyeon sunbae-nim since young, so if I become a great vocal in the future, a great deal of credit has to go to them. Even though I may add more people in the future, I think to sing like them is my iron rule and goal in life.

Q: What kind of artiste do you envision yourself to be?

A: Rather than doing music that (only) I like, my dream is to do music that people who listen to it also like. I wish to perform in many more places, with many more songs, and have an enjoyable time with many more people.

Next dream?

Q: The person whose dream since young is to become a singer has already realised his dream. What is your next dream?

A: Maybe not to the extent of directing, but I would like to challenge planning a concert. Even though I am still lacking now and I am still not at the level of being able to lay out something concrete, I hope that one day I can be someone who can express and share my own opinions when I am preparing for my own concert.

(END.)

[dean-bluesteel-winchester-spnfam]

Shareable questions. All of them.

👽   Do you believe in aliens?Not in the aliens everybody else seems to believe in with UFO’s and all that crap.

👽👽   If so, what do you think they look like?They look like normal people, because... you know what. Ask Cas. He is practically an alien.

🤡   Do you have any phobias?Yeah. Snakes? Ugh. Spiders? Ugh!! Planes? UGH. (But it’s so funny the emoji for this one is clown. Perfect for Sammy.)

💀   What is your favourite thing to do?I... I have no idea. Maybe watching western movies with Cas? I never thought about this before, because normally there is just stuff that I have to do. Kissing Cas is for sure in my top 3 as well.

☕   Name the tastiest hot beverage.Ugh, you can’t tell anyone but I enjoy hot vanilla milk. I mean coffee. It’s totally just plain coffee.

🥛   Name the tastiest cold beverage.Beer.

😇   What do you believe is your most angelic quality?ANGELIC QUALITY. I don’t have one. Seriously, I don’t think I can ever be somthing as angelic.

👹   What do you believe is your most devilish quality?That I don’t wait to pull my trigger. I killed people before. Hell, I torture monsters all the time. I’m not any better than them.

🧜‍♀️   If you could be any mythical creature, what would you be and why?Mythical, well most of them are actually real, but whatever. ( Normally I’d say angel? But you know, not really worthy - so lets go with a monster.)I think being a mermaid would be cool? All day in the water, the other hot merpeople. Yeah I think that would be nice.

😻   Describe the sweetest moment you have had with a pet.The sweetest. When I was like 16 we stopped in a small town for a hunt. It took Dad almost 6 weeks to find the vampire, so Sammy and I had to go to school there. It was horrible. While Sammy of course had lots of friends, I didn’t. I skipped a lot of classes and waited outside for Sammy and there was the cute little dog living with an old man right next to the school. I petted him every time I waited and he ... was so happy to see me everyday.Sometimes I would even share my breakfast with him or walk with him, when his owner was too tired. God this was ages ago, but I was heartbroken, when we left that town.So never getting a pet again. Hurts just like hell, when they leave.

🌎   What is your most far-fetched ‘bucket list’ item?I don’t think there is one? Nothing is really far-fetched in my life. But I’d like to have a swimming pool.

🤔   Describe the most influential person in your life.Well he is not really from this world, but he always fights for the things he loved. He was born as a solider, but learned what it means to have a free will and there is no one else, who loves this unconditional.

🤯   Do you have a mental illness?Pretty sure, yeah. PTSD definitely. Maybe depression, too. I have panic attacks at night (when nobody sees them). Anxiety and stuff. I got it all.

🦄   If you could shape-shift into an animal at any time, what would it be and why?Huh, great question. Maybe a dog, I kinda was one before and it was kinda fun you know. Have an owner and all, must be nice.

🍣   Are you a sushi connoisseur?No ew. Why would I eat sushi when I can have burgers?

🤓   Do you consider yourself a nerd?Mhh. While I do call Sam and Cas a nerd all the time, I can admit that MAYBE I’m one too. Probably more of geek, but whatever. Maybe it already makes me a nerd saying that.

📆   Have you set goals for your life? Or are you just living life in the moment?I do have set goals, but I feel like I have to just live my life, since I could easily die any day. So maybe that are just wishes and not really goals. I take the days as it comes.

📆📆   If you have made goals, name a few.Wishes. They are wishes. I would love to be married (so close!!) and would like to have a big family one day. Get some kids, get some nieces and nephews. Maybe get all my friends back. Imagine Bobby babysitting my kids or Charlie teaching them how to cheat in games.

📆📆📆   If you’re living life in the moment, explain away.Ugh I explained it above. Hunter = big chance of dying. Again.

🤩   Name a famous celebrity you dream of meeting.I wish I could meet Led Zeppelin.

🌙   Are you a moon or sun person?Sun probably, but I do love them moon as well.

🚀   If you could travel back in time to any era, where would it be?I wish I would’ve gotten this question years back, because then I would’ve said, when the Cowboys were still a big thing. But honestly? That was just a big disappointment. I didn’t like the whiskey, I looked stupid and people hated me there. So no traveling back, thank you.

🚀🚀   What kind of life would you want in this era?Well I just wished it would’ve been as awesome as I always thought. Me being the cool sherriff and getting hot chicks. (Or Cas, but lets be honest. They’d kill us)

🦕   Do you wish dinosaurs existed in our modern world?Holy shit YES.

🦕🦕   If so, would you want a dino pet?  Name the kind.I would love a dino pet!! Uhm... give me a triceratops.

🎃   Name your favourite holiday.I hate them all, but christmas was nice, when Mom was still alive.

😊   What do you believe is your most redeeming quality?That I never give up?

😴   Do you get enough sleep?No. Normally I get my four - five hours and I always say that’s fine, but it’s not. Seriously I wish I could sleep more. But you know, nightmares, hunting and all that crap. Maybe I should start with naps again.

🏈   Are you a sport enthusiast?Yes! While I hate to move my own ass, I love sports. Wrestling is amazing. (and yes that counts).

🦂   Describe your best friend.Oh easy. Big blue eyes, dark wild hair. Tilts his head way too often and can’t wink properly. Smiles so rare but so beautiful. Wants to help everyone and loves the nature. Has the biggest heart and gets hurt too often.

🥑   Fruits or veggies?Fruits.

🤞   If you could snap your fingers like Thanos from The Avengers, what would you make happen?Tha. Bring Iron Man back? No uhm, I’d kill every monster on earth. Make it peaceful.

😎   Do you consider yourself a cool kid or a total square?I wish I was a cool kid.

🍭   Do you have a sweet tooth?Yeah! Nothing better than some chocolate or pie, but it’s not as bad as Gabriel’s.

🏥   Do hospitals freak you out?Not really. I mean I don’t like them, but I’m so often in one, it kinda gets boring.

🍕   What’s the best pizza topping?Meatlover.

🧘‍♀️   When was the last time you did something just for you?Can’t remember.

🎣   Have you ever been fishing?Yeah a lot. Dad took me already when I was a kid.

👶   Do you want to have children someday?Yes. As soon as we are ready.

���   Name your favourite form of the potato.There is no favorite. I love them all.

🌵   Do you have a green thumb?Not at all. Glad Cas has.

🐩   If you have one, name your dream dog(s).Small ones... that don’t remember me of hellhounds?

🍂   Winter, spring, summer or fall?Summer and spring. I hate hunting in the winter or fall, but then again it gives me an excuse to hide into even more flannels.

🐳   Does the ocean freak you out or entice you?Entice me.

🐚   Ever been scuba-diving or deep-sea fishing?Nope! but Scuba-diving sounds amazing.

📸   Do you take a lot of photos?Ehhh I never really did, because why would I? Now I take pictures of Cas or Sam all the time. They hate it.

🎵   Name your three favourite artists/bands.Led Zeppelin, Motorhead, Metallica.

🎵🎵   What about your three favourite genres?Rock, Rock and Rock.

🎸   Can you play an instrument(s)?Never had the time, but I would love to play the guitar.

🔬   What was the best class in high school?P.E. I wanted to be a cheerleader, but couldn’t for obvious reasons.

🔬🔬   What about the worst class?Every other class. I was bad at everything.

🕹   Name the video game you have wasted the most time playing.Never played one.

🕹🕹   Name your favourite video game.I don’t think I even know one.

🔪   Do you have an interest in serial killers or do they just freak you out?Ohh Sammy boy has some real interest about serial killers! Holy shit. I don’t care mostly.

🦗   Do bugs give you the heebie-jeebies?Yes. God there was one time Sammy and I were caged in with a milliion of bugs and NOPE. Never again.

🎱   Confess the last wish you made on a magic 8 ball.Please let Cas love me back.

😑   Describe the most annoying thing ever.I’m so easily annoyed. You ever hunted some asshole ghost completely wet because he threw you into a pool? Fucking annoying to walk back to Baby for three miles in wet clothes. But also small things, when nobody listens to you. When there is a mess in my kitchen. When people assume stuff without knowing me.

☺   Describe the greatest thing ever.Waking up late and cuddling more into the warm sheets, while Cas tightens his arms around me. I love to pretend to be still asleep, just to see what he does.

🏠   Growing up, how was your home life?It was hell. I was practically an adult at the age of six. I mean I love Sammy more than myself (which is not hard btw) and I would take care of him anytime, but I never had... friends or fun and all that jazz.

😜   Are you silly or serious?Silly. But I can be serious if needed.

🥩   Steaks: Well-done, medium-rare, or still mooing?Medium-rare. But lets be honest, I eat every kind.

🍄   In your opinion, are mushrooms tasty little morsels or just a dirty fungus?Ew. I wouldn’t know, I don’t eat that stuff.

🥑   Best way to eat an avocado?To not eat it. :)

⛪   Are you spiritual?Haha, I have no idea how to answer that one.

⛪🕌   If so, describe your beliefs.Well?!?! I obviously believe in everything.

🍔   Burgers or dogs?Does that question imply, people eating dogs is a normal thing? Burgers.

😤   Describe something that gets under your skin.Unfairness.

🧟‍♀️   Do you think the world will end in zombies?Apparently it does, because that is just what happened.

🐉   Is there a dragon you chase?Yes.

🥞   In your personal opinion, should food be free to everyone?YES. Seriously.

🐍   What animal are you scared of, if any?Spiders and snakes. @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam

[goldthroughthefire]

Ashes From Beauty

    Aloha everyone! No, I'm not in Hawaii! I'm hoping to go there someday though! It's on my bucket list! How is everyone doing? I can't believe it's been a week already! It seems like it flew by! Have you guys been anywhere lately? My last big trip was to the Dollar Store with my Dad. I may have went a little overboard there! We were out $50 later. Hey, a girl's gotta spend! I bet my Dad was kicking himself for suggesting going to the Dollar Store! He thought I couldn't spend much! Don't worry, I proved him wrong! LOL One item though, I regret buying! I have been redecorating my room and I saw this decal for the wall. It was of the Eiffel Tower with French writing and pink flowers. I was in love with it at first! My Dad thought it was tacky, but I thought I absolutely needed it. I wanted a little more color to my room and at the moment, I thought it would do the trick because I didn't see anything wrong with it. I overruled my Dad and bought the decal. Kids, just for the record, please listen to your parents! I wish I did on my shopping spree! LOL My friend put it up a few days later and when she left, I would keep glancing at the Eiffel Tower decal. Do you know how some things look great on paper, but then it might not be as great when put into action? Yeah, this was one of those times. The decal looked beautiful on the paper, but when it was put up on my wall, it looked like someone threw up on it! LOL Every time I looked at it, it got uglier and uglier! I had to have my Dad take it down! It wasn't even up for 24 hours! Yeah, my Dad might have said I told you so a couple times. LOL It's weird though! How can something that looks so beautiful at first turn out to be the ugliest thing you've ever seen? It got me to wondering, isn't that sorta like sin? Any sin can look so great at first or beautiful! It can even make you think you need it or that it will satisfy you. Eventually though, things get ugly. Maybe you were at a party and had a few drinks trying to loosen up. All of a sudden, you're drunk. Doesn't seem like a big deal, right? You're just having fun or trying to take off the edge. When you get behind the wheel though to go home, you're so drunk that you swerve and get in a major accident. You're injured and have to go to the hospital. How did things turn around so quickly? You were just trying to loosen up a bit to enjoy yourself and having a few drinks seemed like a good idea. Sin always has consequences though. It might look good in the beginning, but soon enough, it will rear it's ugly head. Why would a loving Father keep us from something that would make us feel good? Our Father sees everything and knows when something will harm us. God is our Protector.

    A Doctor says, "An apple a day keeps the Doctor away," but what if the apple was poisoned? A lot of people know the story of Snow White. Near the end, her stepmother in disguise offered her a wishing apple. It looked desirable to Snow White at first, not only because it looked delicious, but because she thought it could grant her what she thought she needed or wanted. She didn't know it was really poisoned though, ultimately costing her something. What is your poisoned apple that satan is trying to tempt you with? Is it one more drink to help calm your nerves or a one night stand because you want to feel wanted? He'll do it with any sin saying it's just a little bit of fun or it'll be worth it. That's because he wants us to be separated from God. The enemy will try to do anything to get us to turn our backs on God and give into temptation. He's been doing it since the beginning of time. It's the oldest trick in the book. Make sin look like everything you need or want, when it's really not.

    God knows what's best for us though and if He says sin isn't good, then I'm pretty sure we should listen to the One who loves us! Not the one who wants to destroy us! He is the only One we need and who can fully quench our thirst or fulfill our hunger. John 6:35 says, "Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty!" It's been proven time and time again that sin is not good! Just look at the father who is now divorced and can't see his kid every day because he had an affair or the person who struggles with addiction and loses everything. Those things looked good in the beginning, but in the end, it cost them everything. That's because satan is the father of lies. You can look it up in John 8:44. Satan never tells the truth and if we're not careful, we'll listen to him because our flesh is weak. That's why we need to pray often and be in the Spirit. Matthew 26:41 says, “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” King David was one of the greatest kings of all time! It even says David was a man after God's own heart in Acts 13:22. Just like the rest of us though, David let temptation get the best of him. He was supposed to go to battle, but decided to stay back and let the army handle everything. One evening, David got up and went to the roof of his palace. There, he saw this beautiful woman, named Bathsheba, bathing on the roof. He was taken aback by her beauty and stared at her. Satan saw an opportunity to strike and he did, hard! All of a sudden, David wanted Bathsheba to sleep with him. The problem though is that she was married to one of the troops in David's army, Uriah. It didn't seem like a big deal though. All he needed was one night to do the deed. Uriah was off to battle anyways. He would never know. Besides, David was the king, so he could have anything he wanted, right? So, David sent for Bathsheba and they slept together. He knew deep down it was wrong, but he didn't care. It looked so right in the moment. Sin usually does. He sent her off after he was done with her. Everything seemed good to David, but sin always comes back to bite you in the butt. Some time later, Bathsheba finds out she's pregnant by... Who? You guessed it, David! Not a big deal though, right? David thinks he'll just bring Uriah back home and he'll sleep with his wife, thinking the baby was his. David sent for Uriah and he came back to the palace, but he never went to his house. He wouldn't go home while his men were in tents still fighting in the war. David tried everything to get Uriah to go home. He even got Uriah drunk. Uriah still didn't go and sleep with his wife. David realized he was in trouble and started to panic. The sin wasn't looking as great right now. The only thing David could think of to possibly right the wrong was to get rid of Uriah. He sent a letter to Joab, the commander of the army, to put Uriah in the front line and draw back, so he would be killed. When Uriah went back to battle, David's instructions were followed and Uriah was put in the front line. He was struck down and killed. Problem solved, right? David took Bathsheba as his wife. His sin came with consequences though. He broke up a marriage and his child died. David knew it was wrong and that it displeased God, but he didn't care because it looked good in the moment. His flesh was weak and he let temptation get the best of him. It ultimately cost him his baby. Later, he realized what he did was wrong and repented. God forgave him, but David still had to go through the consequences. Just like any loving parent. If you break the rules and later apologize, knowing it was wrong, your parents will forgive you, but you still have to face the consequences. You can read the story of David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11-12. This is why it's so important to put on the full Armor of God every day and pray. Otherwise, you won't be able to fight temptation when it comes. The devil will whisper in your ear saying it's ok and you might listen. It will always have a consequence though. What about cursing? There's nothing wrong with it, right? Matthew 12:36 says, "You will have to give an account of every Idol word you speak on the day of judgement." You won't see it in the moment, but you reap what you sow and harvest time is coming. Is it really worth risking an eternity with God?... Everyone might be doing it, but that doesn't mean it's right. Especially, if God says it isn't. That's why we're not supposed to conform to the world. We don't know everything. Instead, look to God and know His commands. Stand up for what's right, even if everyone else is doing it and even if it looks desirable to the eyes. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will - HIS good, pleasing and perfect will." We'll all slip sometimes of course, but we should always do our best to walk a Godly life. Repent and God will  be faithful and just to forgive. Always stand firm in your faith and next time you're tempted to do something that you know is wrong, I pray that you will seek God and His infinite wisdom. Always remember He is everything you need! Well, I'm out for now friends! That was definitely a book! LOL Until next time!

Lauren

[loveisah-maze]

Made For Loving You

Prompt: You are to marry Jin, but when he gets sick you lose him too soon. You experience unbearable heartbreak but he gives you an unexpected journey in his passing. (Jin Oneshot)

Disclaimer: Contains mentions of sickness, death, sadness, depression. It’s very sad, but gets you right in the feels.

A/N: I’ve been severely depressed especially recently, so this is a product of my way of coping. I hope you enjoy, because I cried so much while writing this. I was inspired by the song “Clouds” by Before You Exit. They wrote it about my favorite youtuber Christina Grimmie, but I also love Me Before You so I put some ideas from that.

Italics is song lyrics from the song, Bold italics is Jin’s voice.

Word Count: 2118

A heartache is a lot like a great big orchestra. At times, it is quiet and allows you to focus until the violins would play, therefore making you sad. Then at other times it would rise to a crescendo and the anger would burst from your heart like lion roar of anguish. Right now, there was a flute playing and you remembered him with fondness, that was rare though because every day the heartache of him being gone left a hollow hole in your life.

You have become a silhouette, as if you walked from a photo with a cloud of melancholy following you everywhere. The ache of missing the love of your life comes and goes, always returning in quiet moments. You see him in everything, everywhere. The kitchen had become a place of heaviness because of the sweet memories it held. The kitchen table where you both watched each other enjoy each other’s food, held nothing but fleeting happiness.

When your eyes open, a tear trickles your already stained cheeks. The space where he usually lies has been empty for the past week and the pit that you’ve been laying in seems to get bigger. “I love you Kim Seokjin.” You whisper. The heaviness clouding your mind as well as your limbs. When the words would not come, the tears did. The numbness of your loss had passed, and the pain seemed to overtake you even in the light of day.

The room was filled with memories that you had yet to box up and move on from, but today there was no moving on. Cold hands that were usually warmed by Jin’s were gripping the empty space next to you as the sobs racked your body over and over. There is a part of you that can’t believe he won’t be coming around the corner to pull a joke or make you smile by being goofy.

Please just tell you’re alright?

Are you way up in the sky?

Desperation filled your heart as you dearly wished to hear his voice again, you wanted to hear him laugh despite always making fun of him about it. Though he knew it was one of things you loved about him. The tears continued to burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down your face. The muscles of your chin tremble like a small child and you look towards the window—maybe some light will soothe you. Maybe Jin will see you.

Laughing, smiling, looking down

Saying, one day we’ll meet in the clouds

The raw feeling inside takes over but despite the exhaustion, you are drawn to the box of pictures you and Jin put together. The two of you organized a tradition where whenever something eventful happened you add something to the box. Whether it be a picture or a token, or a movie stub. Opening the box, you see a familiar picture of the two of you at a park on one of your spontaneous dates. Jin’s expression was pleasant, with an inkling of wistfulness, his eyes crinkled mischievously as if he knew something you didn’t. Despite smiling solemnly, a sob racks through you as the memory tickles you. The memory was so fresh, before he had gotten sick so he was still himself, jokes and everything.

Flashback

It had been a stressful day at work where nothing sounded better than laying down in bed and cuddling Jin while watching your favorite movies. So, when you slammed the door the shock on Jin’s face was evident when you saw him but he knew. He tried pulling so many jokes and celebrated after getting one smile out of you. “Come on, I want to take you somewhere.” He told you but you shook your head not wanting to do anything.

“It’ll be worth it, I promise.” Jin had said, making you cave in. Jin drove you to a park, a place where you two had actually had your first date. Looking over at Jin he seemed, calm? Like he knew what he was doing and you were just clueless.

“Jin, why are we here?” you asked, trying not to complain because you believed he was trying to do something nice. Jin just smiled, “Here, let’s sit down on this bench and you tell me everything that happened today.” Jin said, guiding you to an empty bench where you began releasing your frustrations from work. Nothing phased him, because he never once tore his eyes from you, listening to you with both ears like he always did.

Finally, you felt better; the release allowing you to relax. “You know I love you Y/N?” Jin reminded you, not that you needed it because you knew how much you loved each other. “I love you more than my dad jokes.” He said, eyes crinkling as a smile crossed his face making you follow suit.

“I love you more than cereal.” You told him, your hand on your heart to sound more genuine but you both started laughing.

“Let’s take a picture jagi.” Pulling out his phone, you leaned on him, you head on his shoulder as you showed your teeth for the picture. Click. Jin looked at the picture and smiled at it, “This will be a good picture to remember.” He said mostly to himself. It wasn’t until he looked at you, his eyes glassy when he started telling you what was on his mind.

“I want us to be together forever, jagi. You are my person.” His voice swaying with emotion as he leaned down on one knee causing you to gasp. “I love you so much, will you marry me?” he asked, the question swarming you with emotions as you nodded you head.

“Yes!” you gleefully agreed, tears of happiness falling down your red cheeks. Jin smiled as he pulled out the box from his pocket and tentatively slipped on the ring. It was gorgeous, and exactly your style. The style you had wanted was different from everyone else’s and Jin made sure you got it. Jin sat down next to you, squeezing you tight before he pulled away giving you a passionate, salty kiss.

Now

You sank to your knees as the sorrow became too deep to handle. The sun still shone in the sky, but not for him, the birds that sang for him now sung for you; to you there was no more laughter without him, no reason to smile. For some reason Jin had looked past your guarded wall and saw something worth knowing, he saw something you could become with him. However, with him gone you didn’t know who you were or who you could become because he had enraptured your heart so much. Your now swelling, but still tear filled eyes glance and see Jin’s favorite denim jacket but you struggle to make it to the chair it hangs on.

This jacket was one of your favorites on him because of how they accentuated his shoulders but also looked good on him with any outfit combo. Sniffles filled the air as you put your shaky arms through his big sleeves. The jacket is way too big on you, but you don’t care and pull it tighter, smelling a lingering hint of his cologne you bought him. Grief engulfs you like an ocean.

The grief surged with every breath, never sufficiently soothing your heart or the eyes that continued filling with tears.

You put your hands in his pockets in an attempt to warm your freezing hands but instead feel an envelope. Eyebrows furrowed in confusion you take it out only to see it addressed to you in Jin’s delicate handwriting. Thoughts of what could be inside, what words he left unspoken take over your mind as you hurry in opening it. There is a handwritten letter by him at least two pages long, and your eyes tear up, your mind races.

Dear Y/N..

It has been really hard to smile for you, to comfort you in this time of sickness. I can only wish that someday you’ll be able to move past me, and find happiness for yourself.

I want you to know that knowing you, loving you has been the greatest pleasure of my life. When I saw you—I saw your past circumstances, how they defined you, and how scarred your heart was from them. My wish then was to get to know you, the real you and I was so thrilled when you finally agreed. Y/N, you are the strongest, most empathetic person I know. You take care of others before taking care of yourself which is why I made it my goal to take care of you.

I want you to be happy. I want someone else to know the warmth of your smile, to feel the way I did when I was in your presence. I want you to try to open up, be vulnerable with people, there is strength in that. I want you to remember how much I love you, every single detail I will dearly miss. From the way you set your empty coffee cup next to the sink rather than inside to the way to reference every animal you see as your ‘babies’.

I’m trying so hard to be strong for you baby but it’s getting harder to feel myself. I’m so sorry I won’t be taking care of you from now on.

However, knowing what kind of person you are I came up with a list of things for you to do in my stead since I was never able to do them. You know the random hundred dollars that always disappeared every week? It was for your spontaneous bucket list trip. I hope that when you experience these things that you feel invigorated, and adventurous to try to start a new life.

The beginning of the bucket list is the stuff I have already accomplished. I trust that you will finish this bucket list because of how much it means to me.

Bucket List:

1. Fall in love with a girl who completes you.

2. Stop being so afraid and live.

3. Take a picture with the Hollywood sign

4. Make a wish at the Trevi Fountain in Rome

5. Go on an African safari

6. Sleep under the Northern Lights

7. Ride on an Elephant

8. Go to a local pub in a foreign country.

9. Write a book

10. Send a message in a bottle

11. Go into an airport and buy tickets for a random flight.

12. Volunteer for something of good cause

13. Learn a new language

14. Learn to love again

15. Start a Family

16. Watch my kids grow up

Jagi, I also added some things because I believe if you set your heart and mind to it, you will accomplish it. Please think of me often Y/N, I know it’ll be hard experiencing these things without someone to share it with at first. You should always smile in life jagi, please be happy. I love you so much, that’s such a nice thing to say. I know you love me too.

With undying love,

Your fiancé Kim Seokjin, (worldwide handsome)

Hysterical sobs filled the room as you gingerly held the letter to your chest. “I love you,” you trembled over and over, thinking that maybe Jin would hear you. It was like every atom of her screaming in unison, you were traumatized to continue life without the one person who sought you out. Even though you had tried to push him away, he had been so persistent to be in your life.

I love you Kim Seokjin, your heart shouted out.

I love you too Y/N

You glance up in alarm, wondering if perhaps what you imagined was real after all but it wasn’t. Shoulders defeated, you folded the letter carefully and set it in the box along with your pictures, tokens, and movie tickets you both acquired. Emotional pain leaves invisible scars, yet they can be traced by the gentlest touches. Nobody wants to hurt, yet nobody gets a free pass from hurting either. Feeling a tad stronger than before, you wipe the wetness from your eyes and let out a heavy sigh. Your brain feels naked, like a bird in icy chaos, a blizzard that is. However, like that bird you see a light on the hill, that light has a home, a warm fire, some food, and a new beginning. For once since Jin has died, you feel hopeful but unprepared for what’s to come. You’re fearful that you won’t be able to move on.

Be brave, Y/N. You can.

If Jin believes I can, I believe it too.

[fight-me-wyatt]

Richie Tozier ~ Detention

Request/Prompt:  "Ok so, for the prompt list u posted, can u somehow combine "i'm gonna marry her one day" (this wasn't on the list but it's so cute to me for some reason???) "don't be an ass" and "you're such a bitch" with 16/17 year old Richie? Like just overall super fluffy ?? Idk I'm just in the mood for sum fluffy richie... Love your writing by the way! ❤❤❤" from @evelxn-cruz on tumblr. 

Ship: Richie Tozier x fem!reader 

Summary: Richie gets the reader into detention, so she gets revenge by putting him into detention. 

Type:  fluff.... But not super fluffy, I'm super sorry to the person who requested!

Warning: Only warning would be swearing, I think. 

Word count: 2971 (including A/Ns) 

Hope you enjoy it. Let me know! 

This isn't great, and it's quite different to what I usually do, and it's not very fluffy I don't think sorry!!! Let me know if you want another, more fluffy, one! Seriously just tell me to get my shit together lol. 

Also, I know the teachers I'm using are from the elementary school in Derry, but let's pretend they're high school teachers as well lol. And idk the janitors name (I couldn't find it on the wiki) so I called him Jimmy and I didn't know of the shopkeepers name so I called him Mr. Davidson (no reason, just two random names I picked). 

Not my gif, gif credit goes to @imultifandomstuff

 Y/N POV 

Richie fucking trashmouth tozier. That son of a bitch. How dare he think he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I swear to god that god damned boy was going to be the death of me. 

I stormed out of detention, earning a warning glare from Mrs. Casey, who had been marking papers for the last three hours that I had spent in the stuffy classroom. 

I strode out of the school, passing only the janitor, Jimmy. I smiled and nodded to him. 

We were on a first name basis because of the amount of time I spent in detention, which usually involved helping Jimmy. I did have a reputation of getting into trouble for the things I did. I had become infamous throughout the school, most known for the buckets and buckets of off milk I had tipped throughout the principal and staffs offices. It was worth the weekend I spent cleaning with Jimmy, who kept giggling as he watched me scrub with a surgeons mask over my nose and mouth. 

This time however, was not something of my doing. I had just spent three hours writing out the dictionary because Richard Tozier had taken it upon himself to proclaim his "undying love" to me. 

He did this by blowing up thousands of balloons and spreading them all around the school, each with a compliment, gushing about me, using my full name. 

"Y/F/N, YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE QUEEN" read one. 

"Y/L/N WONT BE YOUR LAST NAME FOREVER, SOMEDAY IT'LL BE MINE" read another. 

This wasn't all he did though, oh no. 

He had also spray painted the words "Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N is the most beautiful person I have ever seen." In big, bright letters across the lockers. 

The school staff thought very lowly of the loving declarations, and because Richie had somehow managed to evade all suspicion (God knows how, we had been dating for nearly a year), the blame fell on me. 

 Not surprisingly, as I was known to have an ego 'as big as her tits' as Richie had once described. 

The very few who did believe me when I said it wasn't me who had done this, told me that if I suffered the consequences, the person who obviously loves me so much would also be suffering to know they put me in detention. 

 I know for a fact Richie has no remorse and is definitely not suffering. He's probably even planning his next big plan. 

 As I pushed open the squeaky doors to the great outdoors, I took a big deep breath in of the sweet, sweet air of freedom. 

I jogged down the steps, my doc martens hitting the steps rhythmically. I shrugged and pulled the collar of my leather jacket out, so that it rested more comfortably. 

 I heard a wolf whistle, and I snapped my head towards the loud, sharp sound, to see the guilty culprit leaning against the brick wall with a cigarette in his hand. Stan the man sat on the wall beside him, shrugging an apology to me. 

I narrowed my eyes at him and shook my head. I walked slowly over to him, crossing my arms.

"You, Richie, are a dickhead." I said, laughing slightly.

I stole his cigarette from between his fingers and took a drag. Stan laughed and jumped down from the wall. 

"Well," he said, slapping Richie on the back, "good luck, buddy" he chuckled, "see you later, Y/N/N" he strode off with hands in his pockets.

"DON’T THINK THAT I DON’T KNOW THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO HELPED HIM PULL THIS OFF, STANLEY, YOU BETTER SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN." I called after him, laughing as he turned and blew me a kiss jokingly. 

I turned back to Richie as he tried to grab his cigarette back from me. Pulling it away from him and out of his reach teasingly, I looked at him with raised eyebrows. 

 "So,uh, Richie. I have to be honest with you..." I paused, biting my lip and he looked at me with alarm, suddenly nervous, "today... someone" I took a deep breath before continuing, "someone declared their love to me. And wow. Seems like you've got big competition. If you're not careful, this mysterious anonymous admirer will steal me away from you ." I shrugged, taking a drag. 

His mouth dropped open and gave me a gentle shove. 

"You're such a bitch! I was seriously worried about what you were going to say!" He shook his head and wrapped his arms around me, connecting our lips slowly.

"You have to admit though, it was fucking impressive, right? I bet all the teachers and students are jealous now. I could have anyone I wanted..." he frowned, pretending to think about who he would choose. 

I laughed and shoved him. 

"Oh, don't be an ass, rich. They're all obviously wanting me, not you" I smirked and winked. 

 We both laughed, starting off down the street. Out of the corner of my eye I could see him stealing glances at me. I slid my fingers through his and swung our entwined hands between us. 

 As we walked, Richie told me in great detail of how he managed to pull his master plan off. 

 I giggled as he gestured wildly with one hand and cockily told me the extreme lengths he went to, to pull off his "prank of the century", as he called it. 

We reached my house in what seemed like no time at all. Being with Richie did that; made time go faster. He seemed to soak up all of my time and attention whenever I was with him, and I would never even realise until later on. Not that I was mad when I did realise, how could I be when it was Richie? That jackass always did something or other that should piss me off but instead just makes me grin and shake my head. 

 We stopped at my front door and turned to each other. He grabbed both of my hands and smiled. 

"I really do love you, Y/N/N." He grins and winks before continuing, "and I mean that fucking body, hot damn!" He wolf whistles and smirks, kissing my cheek. 

I pull away, teasingly as I laugh at him.

 "And here I was thinking we were having a moment... Maybe we could have another.." I whispered, leaning in so our lips were mere millimeters away from each other, before turning my head to whisper in his ear, "but I don't think you deserve one" I pulled back, a smirk on my face as I opened the door and stepped inside. 

I slowly turned back, almost as if he was an afterthought. 

"Oh, and Richie? Karma's a bitch, and she's on her way... But I may get to you before she does, so watch your back, Tozier." I smiled sweetly, and closed the door on Richie's gobsmacked face, with admiration in his eyes.

 - 

That night, all through cooking and eating dinner, my mind was swamped with ideas on how to get my revenge. As I helped my dad do the cleaning up, a plan formulated in my mind and I was gonna have fun with it. 

I turned in for an 'early night', much to my parents delight and snuck out my bedroom window with my pocket money in the deep pockets of my warmest jacket. 

I speed walked to the corner store close to our family home, wanting to get started. 

The bell trilled and I sighed, glad to be in the warmth. I grabbed a basket and searched the isles for my weapons. 

 I guess I looked a tad weird going up to the counter with over 100 golf balls, over 200 plastic cups, and about 50 bottles of dish soap. And of course a can of spray paint. 

 Mr. Davidson looked at me with raised eyebrows. He knew the family, and my notorious pranking history, so as he rung everything up, I smiled sweetly.

"So, Mr. Davidson, how's the family? Good? Now, listen, I need you to do me a huge favour. It's easy though. All you need to do is to not say anything about seeing me tonight or that I brought any of this stuff? Okay? Think you can do that for me?" I grinned, trying to look convincing. 

 He looked apprehensive about it, so I slid him an extra $5 that I had been saving for an emergency. He simply nodded and told me my large total.

 I grumbled but dug out the cash and passed it to him in coins. 

I picked up my bags awkwardly and nodded goodbye to him.

"See ya later Mr. Davidson!" I called behind me. 

"It was nice not seeing you, Miss Y/L/N" he called out, a smile clear in his voice. 

I grinned and waved behind me, the bell once again ringing as I left.

I reached the school what seemed like hours later. I grinned and used the key I had 'borrowed' from good ole' Jimmy to get in through a side door. He had passed a comment to me about losing it, but I knew that he knew I had it. I think the old fellow has a soft spot for me and my pranks. 

 Once inside I tied my hair up and got to work. I started by filling plastic cups with dish soup and put them in awkward places; on top of lockers, on tops of doors, random places on the floor that were destined to be stepped on and spilt. I struggled to carefully pick my way through the full cups without tipping them when it was just me. Imagine what the hundreds of people during the day would do. 

 Next, I dipped the golf balls in the soap and spread them out. Some in lockers I knew the codes for, some in random plastic cups, some just on the floor. 

 Soon, the somewhat narrow main hall of the school was a mine field, ready for someone to detonate my strategically placed bombs and slip over. 

 To top it off, I started to pour the remainder dish-washing soap over the clear ground before abruptly stopping. 

"Crap." I whispered, despite no one else being around. 

 I dropped the bottle I was holding and picked up my red spray paint can, shaking it. 

“Definitely should've done this first." I scolded myself. 

Carefully and painfully slowly, I made my way through the minefield of my own creation, trying to not trigger any bombs too early. 

Miraculously, I managed to get to the lockers that faced the main entrance at the T-intersection at the end of the hall without spilling any slippery soap. 

I shook the can once more, before painting the lockers in big, bold, easy-to-read words. 

I stepped back slightly, narrowly missing a golf ball and looked over my artwork. I frowned in thought, then crouched down to add a few extra words. I stood up and smiled. 

Happy with myself, I made my way back to my abandoned bottles. I finished off my job by spreading the last of the soap in the bottles all over the squeaky clean floor, so it was a slippery, sticky mess (much like the situations I frequently managed to get myself into). 

I laughed evilly to myself, clapping my hands in achievement as I looked over my beautiful creation one more time, the red letters standing out to me. 

Quickly, I picked up the waste products from my master plan and set off for home, not before locking up. 

I yawned as I hauled myself silently through the window of my bedroom. I chucked the empty bottles and can into my wardrobe, wincing at the slight noise they made as they landed. I kicked off my boots and fell into bed, not bothering to get changed. I was so tired, I had barely glanced at the clock, that read 2:19am, before falling into a deep sleep.

- 

That same clock woke me up with a drilling urgency at 7am. Groaning into the pillow, I reached blindly for the murderer of my sleep. As I pulled myself up into an upright position, I managed to stop the blaring. I grinned sleepily, remembering the night and my own brilliance. The smell of waffles wafted through to my room and in a rush I got ready for school and ate lightening fast before heading on my way. 

 I reached school, with a grin on my face. I pushed open the entrance doors to be greeted with beautiful, beautiful chaos. Perfect. 

Everywhere, teachers and students alike were slipping, sliding, tripping and falling in the hallway of soap. It worked better than I ever could have imagined. I looked around, smirking at the detonating bombs causing people to fall with a comic-like 'splat!'. And those words on the lockers stood out more than ever, perfectly framed by people sliding to the floor in front of them. 

 "RICHIE TOZIER, I THINK IM SLIPPING AND FALLING FOR YOU." They read.

 And in smaller writing beneath it was: "I THINK STAN URIS PUSHED ME THOUGH." 

I moved out of the doorway and to the side so any newcomers could get the full experience. And as I reread the red words with a sense of proudness, the men of the hour walked through the doors. 

Both Richie and Stan's mouths fell open - with sheer amazement, I'm assuming - and they looked from the chaos, to the words, to each other and back again. They burst into laughter, the type of laughter that makes you hold your stomach because it starts to hurt. Once they were able to bring down the cackling to small giggles, they wiped the tears from their eyes and scanned the squealing and squawking crowd of people for me, and just as they spotted me and started to walk over to me, Mrs. Douglas spotted them. Somehow, she got through the minefield, only skidding a few times, using students as support, and reached the two alarmed boys. From my position I couldn't hear what was being said but she seemed angry. I wonder why. And the boys looked sheepish, unable to get a word in edgewise to tell her it wasn't actually them. Hello? Karma? Is that you? Oh good! Perfect timing. 

Mrs. Douglas dragged both Stan and Richie by their elbows towards the detention room. Except the minefield was between them and said room. 

 With Mrs. Douglas refusing to let go off the boys, they managed to all fall victim to my slip 'n' slide a grand total of 12 times. That's gotta be a record for the short distance they had to go. 

Just before they disappeared into the room, Richie turned back and locked eyes with me. We grinned at each other, across the war torn zone of the hallway, staring at the other as if we were right in front of each other. 

 "Well played." He mouthed at me from across the hall. 

I blew him a kiss and winked as he gave me the middle finger and got pulled into the room. 

Stan and Richie were sentenced to writing a minimum three page essay on what had happened, why they were in trouble, and any other information they could give on the prank in total silence. At least that's what they told me afterwards when they emerged from their prison to where I waited for them with a cigarette. What I didn't know was the specifics of what happened during detention. 

So, I didn't know that ten minutes in; Stan had one sentence and Richie had a blank piece of paper. 

I didn't know that Richie had turned to Stan, fiddling with his pencil, deep in thought. 

I didn't know that when Richie turned to Stan, he said, "i'm gonna marry her one day." 

I didn't know that he meant it wholeheartedly.

I didn't know that Mrs. Douglas had immediately shushed him. 

 And I didn't know that Stan had simply smirked and replied, "I know, Richie." 

A/N: I'm really sorry about this lol it's super bad. Please let me know ways to improve! I'm super sorry there's not many cute fluffy couple moments. I tried something different and I'm not sure if I like it or not! Let me know if you do or don't and why!

[anigraham]

This is going to get long so, lol...

1. What’s your favorite system? 3.5.  Or a stripped down pathfinder so there isn’t 9,001 classes to choose from.  (And yes, I prefer it over the homebrew version I talk about sometimes, lol.) 2. What’s something you hope to do/accomplish in a D&D campaign? I have so many D&D bucket list items!  First one that comes to mind is I hope to romance an NPC someday.  May be setting myself up for heartbreak as surely the DM will have something horrible happen to said NPC, but ya know.  

3. How important is a strong story line to you? It’s what I live for!  I mean, it isn’t going to ruin my fun if the campaign doesn’t have a strong/deep story attached to it, but man do I eat it up if it does~ 4. What setting do you prefer playing in? Mid-level fantasy.  I want some magic, I want unique creatures, and I want some gods, damnit!  It doesn’t have to get too crazy or anything, but I want some magic in the world.   5. Have you or any fellow players have a character die? What happened? Yeh.  My first character death was a stereotypical elven archer.  It was a TPK to a scorpion.  2e is brutal, man.  A character deaths you don’t know about... I played in a campaign where two players had their characters as siblings.  Well.  One fated day, the younger brother died.  And he died after being given so many second chances, but after so many the DM (and even some of us players) were like...death happens.  It was in a world where resurrection isn’t an option really.  (He died to a mammoth that was infected and controlled by a parasitic “plant” thing that drains your CON.)  While it was disappointing to the brother player, the sister player became super depressed.  We ended the session early, but the next few sessions he just had a lot of trouble focusing and getting into it.  It affected him pretty badly.  We then took an extended break hoping the player would feel better after he took some time, but he didn’t.  We ended the campaign because of it. 6. What is your favorite D&D monster or creature? THE FRICKEN TARRASQUE.   7. What’s your favorite race and class? Half-elf and Paladin!  As rambled more in detail here. 8. Who is a favorite NPC you have encountered? Does the Triad count?  Because that was pretty dang awesome and I love Ilmater forever. 9. Where do you get your inspiration to make a character? My brain.  My process tends to be. . .I think of something I want to have in a character and then I build around that.  Lore really helps me.  Ok started with the idea that I wanted to play a serious character who doesn’t show much emotion, then he became a drow, and the rest followed.  My skittish tiefling idea came to me because I decided, I should play a tiefling and reading the lore...I found it interesting the ways it describes tieflings handle prejudice and I felt like I never see or hear about the tieflings who kind of feel shame or hurt.  Then the rest got built around that. 10. What’s one of your favorite character moments? I am still a fan of my overly optimistic and happy wood elf, hearing a terrible voice in his mind reminding him of some traumatic event, and then upon seeing a nothic and knowing that was the cause of it. . .saying “Please die now!” and shooting it at the surprise of the entire party. 11. What’s the best thing that has ever happened during a session? Being able to actually cry on cue for a scene with Morghain and being able to turn it off when the scene was over.  I loved hearing everyone react! 12. What’s the worst thing that has ever happened during a session? Probably the character death I mentioned above.  Just watching our friend and fellow player become so dejected and unable to keep playing.  And it was doubly hard because that campaign had been going on for so long and so many of us were really enjoying our characters, really invested, and then we had to stop since someone just couldn’t keep going with the story. 13. What kind of characters do you typically create? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ The closest I have to a “type” would be melee fighters.  Definitely what I am usually comfortable with.  But I actually try hard to play different things, even if I am only changing a handful of things.  I like to try different races, classes, and different quirks/personalities.  When playing with a new group I tend to go friendly/helpful fighter type so I can learn what I can and can’t get away with in the future, lol.  Not everyone will be comfortable with me playing a former slave or a lying bitch. 14. What is your character’s backstory? Since I think you know most of my current character’s backstories. . .I will go with an oldie.  A little gnome named Lorelai Brassgear!

She grew up in a very small town with a very large family.  Her family were the owners of the local grain mill.  Lorelai had bigger aspirations as she seemed to have a natural talent for using magic. . .something very rare among gnomes in her world.  She became determine to someday go the mages college in the big city and learn to explain the workings of magic through the use of science and math.  (Gnomes in her world are inventors and focus on science.  They actually have a penalty when using magic.)  One day after exploring a nearby cave-in with some of her friends from the town, they discovered that her entire village had been destroyed in an orc raid.  All their families had been killed.  Lorelai and her friends barely managed to get away and so began the start of her campaign. 15. Do you have any goals for your character? When it comes to Natali I just gotta accept I cannot have goals.  Everything is a surprise with her and nothing goes as planned.  My goal is not to die while fully expecting her to die.

16. What is a song you associate to your character?   Even though I haven’t played her very much, I have already associated one song with Cass.  The English version of “aLIEz” done by Amanda Lee.  I imagine Cass as a very conflicted and struggling woman, which I feel like this song captures.  I am especially fond of the following lyrics...

I say “Liar!” I say “Rise in hell!”  I am just about to burst as they say, “War!” I’ll wage war. I hate war. There’s no end to this...can’t you see that? 17. Does your character have any quirks? If so, what are they? My skittish tiefling sometimes slips into speaking in Infernal when he is talking to himself outloud.  If anyone points this out to him, he will be a bit surprised and doesn’t believe it.  His arcane focus is a medallion that he likes to fidget with from time to time.  He also has a habit of arguing with his familiar (usually an owl) as if she was a person. 18. Do you have a certain accent for your character? No.  I can’t do accents period, really.  I might try adding a little something to the way I talk for certain characters, but I think I struggle with consistency.  Loran I tried to speak higher and “friendlier.”  With Ok I try to sound more monotone as I don’t imagine he would be very expressive in. . .anything. . .let alone his voice.  

I can do three voices.  An absurd “old man” voice, a weird. . .voice (that I use for like faeries), and my own voice.  Haha.  But if I can’t even mimic accents from around the world, I sure as hell can’t come up with voices for characters. 19. What character (or type of character) do you hope to play in the future? My skittish tiefling, Mr. Pemberley~!  He doesn’t like being a teifling, feels bad about it, gets super nervous around new people and always assumes that other people expect the worst of him.  He kept his nose in books and is a wizard as a result. . .and is most comfortable (and confident!) when playing with fire.  Probably because he is a tiefling. . .but don’t suggest that to him. 20. What’s been your favorite campaign? Campaign would be the one we didn’t finished mentioned above, sadly.  But I am also really enjoying Tomb of Annihilation.  

[cactigratitudelove]

Cacti, Gratitude, and Always Love.

As I write this I find myself filled with so many emotions that I can hardly figure out what I want to get out or what I want to say. Do I even want to say anything any more? Do I even feel anything matters anymore? When I created this page specifically to start a blog about my last year in Tucson, I created it with the intent of fulfilling out my AZ/Tucson Bucket list while also spreading the love I have for Tucson and its community. It was before my last few markets of the season, after I decided to get a newsletter going for my website and then before I left last week for my AZ camping trip to the Grand Canyon, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, then solo dispersed camping in Flagstaff and Sedona. I figured I’d have this great time to finally get some nature, breathe, step back and figure out my next steps in Tucson before I leave to NYC next spring. 

My nine year old nephew passed away suddenly wednesday night. 

What was life like before this nightmare I find myself currently in?

Before all this, I was going through eight months of sobriety from Alcohol, trying to find spiritual guidance, dealing with financial issues, trying to adult as much as I could while also trying to find balance with family and friends. I realized I was being a hermit as well. I am not known for being a hermit. The Adela I know is social and doesn't let fear stop her. Fear of being financially stuck, fear of taking on work and then not get paid like I have experienced twice this year aleady, both by local companies in the community I really enjoyed and believed in. I noticed I was also supplementing food in place of binge drinking. I binge(d) on food, Netflix and somehow still kept doing the work towards goals knowing things would get better if only I was more focused on work and less on myself. Or maybe less on work and more on myself. I’ve done sobriety before, why is it so much harder this time around? I stopped going out. I decided to continue not dating since being back in Tucson from my Alaska summer. (This was more so that I can find balance within myself again). I found myself hustling like I do. Trying to create and get paid for it. Taking on as much as I could to pay the bills while also picking up shifts at the bar. It might seem like I have my shit together from the outside but on the inside I have no idea wtf I am doing. I’m just trying to learn as much as I can from other people that are doing what I want to do but I keep finding myself lost, stuck and then fear takes over. Tucson has been wonderful to me so I of course feel the guilt that if I leave, I leave my home, support system and friends. I’ll leave a place I am passionate about and yet if I don't leave I’ll never be able to financially support myself in the arts the way I want to. I keep thinking, “Someday, if I can just get enough regular clients, creative work and income to pay the bills, keep a roof over my head with clothes and to travel on a frugal budget to support my inspiration for the work I do then I will have made it.” This is what success would mean for me. No fancy cars, no condo or property, not even a love of my life by my side. I just want to be able to support myself and my dreams in the most minimal way without financial stress.  

These were all my concerns, fears, and selfish thoughts before I found myself here. 

On Monday May 21st, I and my family buried my nine year old nephew. The Wednesday before he had been playing, enjoying life until he no longer was and left this world in a way I can't help but hurt for him. I can't imagine what those last moments were like but I would hope that he knew that he was loved. Braxton was loved so much. Hearing the news while I was in Page, AZ I still couldn't grasp what had happened. I kept thinking that I would wake up. That I was still in my shitty sleep and life would be okay again. Life is not okay and it won't be. Not now anyway. On my trip back from Page, Thursday after I heard the news from his Tia who was at the hospital the night before, I kept thinking of ways I can do my part to help my family, the guilt I had for not seeing him as often as I wanted to, or even just sometimes brushed off and thought I’d just see him another time when I am not as busy. The last time I saw him was on his birthday in February. Its been killing me that it wasn't sooner. A seven-ish hour trip back home. A seven-ish hour trip of mindfuck, “If only I had a car to pick him up when I wanted. If I had stopped taking on too many things I could have seen him more. I should have been more patient with him. I should have been more present with him. I never got to take him out on a one on one outing that I wanted with him.  I didn’t get to say goodbye or that I loved him since his birthday. I should have...” Everything else went out the window. I needed to be there for my sister, my mom and the rest of this family and his. I needed to be strong. To put in the work where I was needed. And thats what I did. My back from the trip ‘To Do’ list went from emailing clients to emailing a best friend to proof read a child’s obituary. I created the Prayer card, obituary, and helped type up a eulogy for my sister, his Auntie to read. I helped pick out his flowers and clothes for the funeral. These tasks are unlike any other. 

The heartbreak, anxiety, sadness, loss is truly unlike any feelings I have ever felt in the 31 years of being on this earth. You expect death to happen but you don't expect it to happen to a child. Your own nephew, grandson, brother or son. God didn’t give us time to accept this. Didn’t give us time to process this. He was taken from us. Just like that. 

Mi familia is a big family. I have seven siblings. Five of them have kids. Four of their kids have kids. And that’s just within the immediate family. If there is one thing that god was showing us, is that this family is strong. This family is everything to one another. This family comes through when the time comes. This is the first our hearts have been broken in such a way. My sister’s son was like a son to all five sisters. We all had our love and stories to share. We all set our differences aside and showed all the support and love. My sister lost her son, we may never know that exact pain but we do know that we love her to the moon and back. She is everything to this family. We all are everything to this family and I saw that clearly this week.

Braxton’s support system is not only through immediate family (His Dad and  dad’s family is also just as loving and supportive) but also through the community. There’s a GoFundMe page created for his funeral starting at $9,000 and it raised over $11,000 and still going. I reached out to the community on FB and even found that my own friends and friends of friends in Tucson, Florida, California, etc gave what they could in support of this family. My best friends, co-workers and even the lady at Fed-Ex whom printed the obituary, cards and photos were all super supportive in ways I didn't know I or my family needed. And for this I find myself with more gratitude in life than I have ever thought I did. I am so grateful and appreciate every single text, comment, call, and hug. My love for the Tucson community and online community will always be great.

Throughout the most difficult time I have ever experienced, I didn’t drink. I wanted to be sober and present (although I felt zombie-like). At the service I mentioned to one of my sister’s, “This, right here is the moment I want a bottle of vodka. I big fucking bottle of vodka. No other time, just right now.” I had seen my nephew and said good bye. He was so cool and stylish with his cute outfit we picked out for him with the Avengers t-shirt showing through his dress shirt. I wanted him to wake. I wanted him to just be sleeping. I wanted him to call me the face painting lady again. I also wanted to drown this away with a bottle. I wanted to join others and partake in numbing the pain. But I knew that black outs weren't the only reason I become sober nine months prior. I wanted to be a better person for myself and for others. My best self for my family and friends. For my munchkins. I wanted my nieces and nephews to see their independent, hustling, Tia sober and some day go on adventures with. To be an example for them. To know and share the struggle for them so they wouldn't have too. To be a good example, a mentor, a supportive friend. The only way I can be those things is if I abstain from alcohol. 

My landlord sent me a text the morning of the funeral with a photo of a blooming Queen of the Night Cacti. Just one that bloomed in the night. With the photo the text read, “The Casita had a visitor last night... your nephew came by to tell you he is ok. I also saw a palomita underneath the flower...” My favorite cacti flower. It blooms at night and only lasts through the morning. I miss you Braxton. I miss you so much and love you, always.

This blog will be as I intended it to be but it will also not be the same as I thought it to be. I am not the same I thought I’d be driving back home to Tucson this week. I do not have the same heart I once did. My family, my sister, my ex-brother in-law, and nieces, sisters of Braxton will never be the same. The world, to me, will never be the same again. I hurt and I know I will need to get back to work and life because I am sure it carries on just the same but today, right now nothing matters to me except my thoughts of missing him and wishing I had more time. 

[la-fille-en-aiguilles]

Andrew Garfield x Female Reader: One (Forty-Fucking-Three, Part 4)

A/N: Dear reader, we have finally made it. Here comes the forth and the last part of this series, which I can only hope you have enjoyed reading as much as I did writing. Thank you for having plunged headfirst into this difficult relationship with Andrew Garfield - I know I didn’t make it look like a walk in the part, but you are reading this, which means you still stayed. So basically, you slay. I do hope you’ll like it, bee’s knees xx Warnings: Hideous English, swearing, angst (I probably have some emotional issue - angst is like my specialty lol). Other than that, none.

New to the series? Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3  Bonus:

Raindrops felt like blunt needles, landing on your cheeks and forehead, leaving their cool imprints on your skin. As your hands gripped its wet and slippery doorknob, you swung the door to your favorite café open, a completely random thought crossing your mind: you haven’t seen the skies weep like that since that life-changing night… Two weeks ago.

The café greeted you with a wave of warm air, the smell of coffee hitting your nostrils. You inhaled deeply, closing your eyes, so lost in the moment you almost failed to acknowledge your ringing cell, screaming for your attention. Making your way to the beaming barista at the counter, you took out the convulsing device, briefly checking out the name on the display before taking the call, unable to suppress a small grin.

The café was deserted – the rainstorm outside was so violent, even hardened by the ongoing battle with the nature Londoners made sure to stay at home. Polished wooden tables gleamed softly in the light of the pendant lamps, Hozier’s voice tuning the sound of the wind out completely. Entering the café felt like setting foot in another universe, and this was what you loved most about the place.

Looking around and taking your surroundings in with a feeling of peacefulness settling in your chest, you brought the phone to your ear, still smiling at the barista, an acquaintance of yours.

“To what do I own the pleasure?” you smirked, mouthing cinnamon latte to the boy in front of the cashier desk, throwing two fingers of your free hand in the air. He took the largest carton cup, looking at your questioningly. You nodded negatively, pressing the phone with your ear to your shoulder and producing two tumblers from your leather backpack. Smiling, you handed him both. He took them, winking at you. “Are you that bored of white sand and turquoise sea?”

You heard Brittnee chuckle on the other end of the line, imagining her sitting on a beach wearing nothing but a white bikini and a huge hat, sipping on her Cosmopolitan. 

“I thought you’ve met the guy I’m dating. He doesn’t do boring. His ass is always on the move,” she said, delight nonetheless jingling in her voice. “Yes, I’m talking about you”, she added, throwing a challenging glare her torturer’s way, no doubt. “Hey!” you heard a splashing sound before Britt’s outburst of irritation deafened you. You bit your lower lip in an attempt to keep the laughter at bay, your eyes focused on the coffee barista was currently preparing for you.

“How is London treating you?” Britt sighed, most likely falling back into her chair after a failed attempt at revenge. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come, it’s just when Seabass really wants something, he can be very persuasive”.

“You love me!” you heard Sebastian Stan’s voice echo in the background, followed by yet another splash. You snorted with laugher, brushing your fingers through the damp strands of your hair absentmindedly.

“I can see that,” you half-smirked, leaning against the counter on your elbows. “If that’s going to make you sleep better at night, you aren’t missing much. Just really bad weather, great coffee…” the barista looked up at you, smiling gratefully, “…and a Harry Potter Movie Marathon”.

Brittnee laughed heartily, the sound of it extremely contagious. 

“So that’s what you have been doing instead of reading your script? Watching Daniel Radcliffe refusing to kick the bucket for two weeks straight?”

You feigned a scandalized expression, your eyes growing wide. 

“Excuse me,” you spoke slowly, your voice dripping with hurt dignity. “I’ve learned all my lines ages ago. Believe it or not, I’d be glad to go back to work again, but Tony couldn’t seem to settle that actor problem… Until yesterday,” the barista put two steaming lattes on the counter in front of you and you gave him a thankful look. “He called me last night saying we’re starting on Monday. So let me binge on Harry Potter in peace”.

You heard your friend snicker as you searched the pockets of your leather jacket for money. 

“Can I get two sugars for each please? Thank you,” you spoke to the barista, your voice drowning out half of Brittnee’s reply. 

“…got him to watch it with you,” was all you caught, handing the smiling guy a ten. Motioning for him to keep the change, you snapped thick plastic lids over the tumblers and wrapped your fingers around their boiling hot steel, carefully lifting them up.

“You’d be surprised,” you spoke after having restored Britt’s speech in your head, flinching at the burning sensation, growing in your fingertips. “I keep telling him he could play the younger edgy version of that marauder… What’s his name again…” you put the coffees back on the table, taking a minute to bring out your flannel shirt from under the sleeves of your jacket, so it covered your entire hands. With your skin now protected by the soft fabric, you confidently grabbed the tumblers from the counter and stuffed them in your small backpack.

“How did he take that?” Brittnee was obviously having too much fun, imagining you saying shit like that to him. You couldn’t help but smirk, recalling that priceless expression of utter puzzlement on his face.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure that if I say it one more time, he’s going to throw his head back and howl at the moon”.

You thought Britt would split her sides laughing this time, as you made your way to the exit. The thought of trading the warm and cosy café for shrieking wind and piercing rain would seem outrageous if your insides didn’t perform all sorts of flips once you remembered what wrapping your hands around his torso felt like when riding his Harley Davidson.

“How is it going between the two of you?” Brittnee’s voice grew serious all of the sudden, the notes of familiar teasing all gone now. “Maybe it’s time you stopped keeping your distance? I know I have no business poking my nose into your guys relationship, but, Y/N, you deserve to be happy… Why don’t you let him in?”

You couldn’t help but frown at her words, as your stomach churned, your gaze fixed on the falling streams of rain behind the glass doors of the café. Last time, you were moving too fast. Jumping head first into the fire, your emotions taking complete control. This time, it needed to be different.

“Honestly, Britt, taking it slow seems like the best option”, you finally said, your voice a little too thin. “I need time to figure a shitload of things out, and he knows it. We’re friends, and it does the trick. For now,” your eyes focused on the black, shiny motorcycle parked by the edge of the road, its owner squatting by the front wheel, probably checking if some mechanism worked properly. His helmet hid his thick mane of hair and deep brown, bottomless eyes.

“You can’t play it safe for long, Y/N,” Britt’s voice seemed to merge with the one that rang in your head every minute of every day. “You’re going to have to take that jump one day, probably sooner than later”.

You blinked twice, fighting the sudden sensation of emptiness in your bones, an omen of something big and probably terrible. Raking one of your hands through your hair, you bit your lower lip nervously. You didn’t like this gut feeling. You didn’t like it one bit.

Brittnee kept talking, but you missed every word she said when barista called your name.

Sugar. You must have forgotten your sachets of sugar on the counter.

You turned on your heels abruptly, ready to go and fetch them… When your body collided with someone else’s, the hit catching you completely off guard. You gasped, ready to land on your ass, when two strong, rough hands grabbed your waist, keeping you steady. 

Brain freeze. Your heartbeats echoing within the walls of the deserted café. His eyes watching you in that straightforward, wholehearted way as if saying I was worried sick, baby, where have you been. Everyone hopes someone someday will look at them this way. 

“Andrew,” you said, like it was the most natural thing to utter after having slept with the guy and then having left him, naked, all alone on the floor.

It has been two weeks.  

Looking at Garfield now, you could swear it might have been ages, the lines on his forehead so much more prominent, that careless sweet smile not living on his lips anymore.

“Andrew?” you heard Brittnee raise her voice at the mention of his name. “What does he have to do with any of this?”

Britt’s sobering voice seemed to shake you awake. Paralyzing stupor still reigned over your body, but at least your mind was clearing up.

He didn’t change… And why would he? It has only been two weeks…

Staring at him openly, still shocked, you realized you were wrong. He did change. Something in him did. It was more than these obvious signs of lack of sleep and what was it… Stress maybe? You didn’t know. 

It was in the way he looked at you, like a man tired of fighting, who fell on his knees to beg for forgiveness, waving the white flag. At the same time, there were sparks in his eyes, one of that long list of reasons you couldn’t stay away from him in the first place… 

You were a mess, gazing at him open-mouthed, searching for God knows what in his features, while he stared back at you like he had finally found exactly what he was looking for. 

“Britt, I…” you spoke, not taking your eyes off him. “I’m going to have to call you back…” not hearing what she was saying, you dropped the call, unblinking, the world around Andrew and you going mute.

Everything about Andrew Garfield was daring you to fall in love with him again.

And you were holding on to dear life in order not to lose that dare.

“What are you doing here?” your voice was cold enough to chill Garfield’s bones, as you finally managed to speak again. 

He bit his lower lip slowly, studying your face, his eyes sliding down your neck, your shoulders, your chest… It was like he tried to swallow you in, a junkie, who finally got a hold of what he craved most.

“I’m in London for work”, he answered vaguely, his voice pulling at the strings of your bloody heart, as it sang in your chest like a damn violin. 

When you lay awake at night these two past weeks you kept imagining what your encounter would be like… Five, maybe ten years from now. The look on his face when he would realize that the woman who once may have cared too much for him, no longer cared about him at all. 

It has been two weeks. 

This hadn’t been the case yet. You weren’t ready. 

“For work”, you repeated, urging him to develop. You aren’t supposed to be here, you almost screamed, panic overflowing your confused mind. You checked three hundred times, he was supposed to be in America, filming with Nicole Kidman or something…

“Yeah, I’m…” you suddenly realized Andrew was lost for words. And his hands, his bloody hands were still on your waist, apparently lost, too. “I’ve decided to do theater”.

Your heart stopped dead, and its lack of movement caused your chest to shudder in pain. Trying to keep your voice leveled, you pretended like you didn’t know what it was all about, but in truth, you did. You just couldn’t believe it.

“That’s… great, Andrew”, stop saying his name, “Where are you going to be at?”

Every word you said came out wrong. You looked at his face and all you saw were your naked bodies, entangled together, his lips sliding down your chest…

It was getting harder to breathe.

“Where you are,” he answered simply, his honesty slapping you across the face. You popped your eyes at him the minute these words escaped his bitten lips, his eyes caressing your face… 

“I’m going to play Prior Walter in Tony Kushner’s Angels in America.”

You no longer felt anything. Just stared at him, uncomprehending, your entire being void. After everything he’d put you through, after you made sure to disappear from his life forever… He point blank refused to let you go in peace. 

“What?…” your voice sounded like it came from someone else. Every second of this talk felt like a shitty planned out dialogue that was never supposed to take place in the real life. Your throat starting to tighten, you stared at him with your eyes wide and crazy, the fury inside of you making your skin crawl. “You’re shitting me, right? What is all of this?”

Taken aback at your reaction, Andrew bit the inside of his cheek. All you wanted to do was scream and break things. 

“Didn’t I make my intentions clear enough?” you realized you were on the verge of shouting, losing all sense of self-control there was left in you. “I don’t fucking want you in my life, I don’t want you around, I don’t want you…” as you tried to push him away, as far as your strength would allow you, he grabbed your shoulders, leaning in closer.

“Y/N, listen to me!”  his brown eyes were all you could see, “I was wrong, I need you, I need you more than anything, just…”

“You need me!” you almost yelped, breaking free of his hold. “How fucking dare you, Garfield!” you spit your words in his face. “Two weeks ago, you looked me in the eyes and you told me you loved another woman more than you loved me! This is insanity!” you scratched your nails on your head, looking at him, your eyes wild.

“Please, Y/N, let’s just talk,” Andrew’s eyes grew red as he tried to take your hands. You stepped back, like a wounded animal. “Everything’s changed, after…”

“After we fucked,” you finished for him, almost smiling, your voice poison. “So that’s all it took for you to come crawling on your knees. Jesus,” you crossed your hands on your chest, biting your lips and staring at him in disbelief. “For the love of God, Andrew,” you exhaled noisily, trying to get your shit together. “There’s a reason for why I didn’t stay. I moved on. It’s time you did too.”

You turned around, dead set on leaving him where he stood, ending the conversation and this entire story, this insane drama that was never supposed to take place… 

“Fifty-three,” you heard him say behind your back. These words came out like a last attempt at a cry for help. Like they were his joker, the last card he had left to play. You froze in place, looking over your shoulder.

“Excuse me?” you raised your eyebrows at him, genuinely trying to understand what the hell he was talking about.

“Fifty-three,” he repeated again, like it was supposed to make all the sense in the world. His hands buried deeply in his pockets, he made a step towards you, bitter and desperate smile twisting his lips. “That’s the number of messages I left on your phone. You would know that if only you hadn’t changed your number after that night. I kept calling, again and again, thinking I was going insane, the recording of your voice bleeding me dry.”

You felt your face go white, as all the blood had rushed down to your heart, nearly making it explode. Your vision went blurry, but you couldn’t tell why…

“Sixteen”, in the meantime, Andrew continued, mercilessly. “That’s the number of times I saw you around Paris last week, reading in that British Library, grabbing a lunch with your friends, running down the street all wet from the rain… I saw you sixteen times, Y/N, and I just couldn’t bring myself to come up and talk to you…”

“Have you been following me?” your trembling lips barely moved, as you stared at him, unblinking.

“That’s the only way I could still be close to you”, he nodded, looking down. “I haven’t finished though”, you shut your eyes, as if shielding yourself from seeing him. Yet you still heard him, his voice resonating in your ears.

“One”, it sounded like the final note of the heartbreaking symphony, which was destined to end at some point. You opened your eyes slowly, your damp eyelashes fluttering. He was very close now, if you stretched your hand, it would land squarely in the middle of his chest. He still smelled like that minty aftershave and salted caramel… and rum. Maybe vanilla…

“Want to take a wild guess what this number represents?” he asked you softly, his gaze unwavering. A second more and he was going to cup your face in those rough hands, and bring you closer, his lips making you forget you’d ever left… “I thought so,” he said, when you didn’t answer. “That’s you, Y/N. You’re the one.”

Deadly silence seemed to paralyze both of you, as it spread out in the entire café, more eloquent than a requiem at a funeral. You were pretty sure you were going to strangle yourself, your throat clenching as you fought for breath. 

Andrew was two weeks and a day late. 

For a brief instant, you couldn’t help but wonder, watching your own reflection in his soft brown eyes. You wondered when he realized he needed you. You wondered how it happened. But mostly you wondered… would it have ended differently if he just loved you enough to come to that empty VIP lounge in the LAX airport, keeping his promise…

All of the sudden you heard a familiar deep voice penetrate the absolute stillness, life rushing back into your veins at the sound of it.

“Is everything all right, beautiful?”

You cleared your throat, turning your head to your right almost automatically. With his leather jacket completely drenched, small drops of water resting on his cheekbones, Ben Barnes placed a hand on your shoulder, his eyes searching your face.

Standing out there in the rainstorm, waiting, he must have wondered what was taking you so long.

“Yes,” you answered a little too quickly, smiling at him in a shaken kind of way. Your hand flew up to cover his, the one in which he clutched his helmet, causing you to turn your entire body towards him. His closeness seemed to sober you up as you lowered your head, taking a long breath.

“Just ran into an old friend”, you looked up at him, an uneasy smile decorating your lips. “Ben, this is Andrew”, you motioned towards Garfield, standing in between the two of them now. “Andrew, this is Ben… Although I suspect you might have already met,” the lump in your throat refused to dissolve, so your words came out blurred and hectic. “The coffee is taken care of,” you smiled at Ben again, but he didn’t seem to notice, staring at Garfield’s pale face. Barnes’ lips were a thin line, almost invisible. The way his jaw tensed didn’t escape your attention. 

“Nice to have met you, Andrew”, Ben said, his voice low. 

“Yeah, the pleasure’s mine”, you heard Garfield mutter. You avoided his stare, tears still pooling in your eyes, as you tucked a damp strand of hair behind your ear. 

“Are you ready to go then?” Ben inquired, looking at you expectantly. You nodded at him, finally taking control of your emotions. 

“Yes,” your reply was firm and almost cheerful. “I’m right behind you. I guess I’ll be seeing you at work, then, Andrew”, you both nodded at each other. There was nothing left to say.

As you walked away, the sound of your steps aligning with the rhythm of your heart, you counted your steps, small and heavy.

Twenty… Thirty… Forty-three…

Forty-fucking-three thumps on the wooden floors.

That was all it took for you and Andrew to go back to where you started: complete and utter strangers, sharing a handful of memories, which would eventually fade, just like the echo of your steps in a deserted café…