#i bring it up bc ive been starting to physically feel like shit but my body doesnt wanna eat properly anymore. so idk how ill fix this or

[viosjaan]

i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here

[c0rpseattack]

houhhh.

[suffarustuffaru]

Reading your tags about how people miss the very obvious "there's some fucked up shit boiling underneath" regarding Otto, just gave me a sudden realization. Otto is the only character I know in fiction where they act all innocent and drive up the "clumsy", "just in the side-lines" and "straight-man (heh)" persona. When. Like no one's in the EMT camp is buying it. They know he's way more capable than he let's on. Meanwhile, the tomfoolery is completely brought on by the Western audience.

Like Otto is failing miserably to make other characters believe that he's not up to mischief, Roswaal even thinks it can bring his downfall. But the audience, who even sometimes *sees* his fucked up thought process, is buying it.

*head in hands*

no u bring up so many good points bc ive been really thinking about this for a while T^T its such an interesting phenomenon in the difference in perception otto has between the japanese speaking half of the fandom vs the english speaking half which can be explained by—yeah. media illiteracy mainly. im also putting my head in my hands anon T^T

because—okay sorry wkdndn im gonna get into meta again but hear me out bc this pattern of the fandom underestimating otto is interesting bc i kind of sort of i cracked the code maybe??? o.o i think the nature of otto is a character is that youre SUPPOSED to underestimate him at first, just like what happens sometimes in universe. i mean wayyy back then i definitely wasnt expecting him to get more depth added to him in arc 4–which was a pleasant surprise—which is also the reaction the vast majority of people have to reading/watching arc 4, along with the other vast majority reaction which is being a bit endeared to ottosubas friendship and respecting otto for being a good friend. and then its easy to underestimate otto bc of 1. all the chaos going on in rezero at any given moment and 2. hes almost always overshadowed by other characters doing worse shit or being more insane than he is and 3. otto of course damn well knows hes easy to underestimate and counts on that. thats what he did against roswaal in arc 4. plus—i mean even aesthetics-wise hes 100% DESIGNED to be easy to underestimate. his outfit and physical features make him look either friendly or frazzled or soft. so i think that the point is that we were supposed to be kind of fooled—at first.

because yeah, we’re endeared to otto. we respect him for helping subaru the way he did. we think that hes a nice person and we now support his actions especially after feeling sympathetic towards him after learning his backstory. (or at least the average audience member will think this wjdndn.) but like—you dont even NEED to look at any side content at all for it to dawn on you that theres something Wrong. with him. like all you need is main route arcs 3-8 aka ottos entire screentime thus far, because at arc 4 its so easy to overlook otto unless youre thinking a bit deeper (for example—he gets violent with subaru. like yeah its entertaining, its played for laughs a bit, yeah subaru needed to be snapped out of his own head, but was it 100% necessary??? why did otto have this response??? bc if you just look at the main timeline otto really decided to beat up subaru first. and bc this tendency is now Less Funny in arc 8).

but even if youre just looking at rezero face value, when you get to arc 5 its starting to get even more clear that ottos weird in the head. like we already saw him being very good at scheming and planning in arc 4–in arc 5, we find out about otto hiding the tome for a year. we find out WHY hes been hiding the tome for a year. the tome then leads the witch cult into priestella, so like—in the sense, otto is RESPONSIBLE for arc 5. but theres STILL a tendency sometimes for the audience to continue underestimating him even though by this point we’re getting more clues and many characters around otto, like you said anon, KNOW hes very capable. i keep wondering why this is, but arc 5 is, again, FULL of chaos and different storylines happening at once, so its so easy to almost kind of forget otto there in the background until he occasionally pops up again. plus otto serves an additional role as comedic relief sometimes—he spends all of arc 5 being bitchy and whiny (i say this affectionately HAH) about his camp being full of disasters, for example, so i think the natural response from the audience tends to be “aw otto!! what a silly guy!!” sometimes. you know? so its like. i think at this point some people tend to be like “yeah fair that otto was wary of roswaal and thats why he saved the tome…. anyway ooooh whats going on with these other plot points” wobsbss. its so fascinating bc—ok this might be my own personal experience but anyone reading this pls tell me if you agree or not—i dont think ive seen a lot of people actually even MENTION otto bringing the tome into priestella attracting witch cultists. and the english speaking fandom LOVES to go into certain characters’ wrongdoings so why gloss over otto????

the only explanation i have for this is that from arcs 3-4 underestimating otto is. kind of the point of his character UNTIL you get to arc 5 and the clues in the main story start seeping in even more. and also the western audience DOES have media illiteracy a lot. theres that too. just look at rezero content on youtube or reddit or fanfic sites or other things of that sort T^T but no yeah i think ottos nature as a character exacerbates it. youre supposed to start asking questions about him. youre supposed to start connecting the dots and then SUDDENLY its now EXTREMELY obvious in arc 7-8 and even while theres so much chaos going on its basically shoved in your face. arc 7-8 is just delivering on all the leadup that was arcs 3-5.

and i think that youve gotta be media illiterate for sure to NOT get that otto is not squeaky clean and innocent BY ARC 8. i think that ottos the deconstruction of the loyal best friend trope, and also a mirror into what subaru couldve been like if he decided to be more ruthless instead of jumping right to forgiveness and saving everyone, except sometimes that flies right over the audience’s head wkdndnd. it confuses me bc ive seen some people completely miss the point or completely agree with otto and overlook the Bad Parts of it or, you know, STILL think ottos perfectly sane—like T^T please.

and yeah so back to what you said about otto Not being underestimated In Universe—its such an interesting detail bc hes ALWAYS been simultaneously pathetic and Very Competent wjdndnd. but yeah no all of his friends have seen various hints and clues and evidence of what hes capable of. like even though he hid the tome from them successfully and even though hes hiding info now its INEVITABLE that its gonna blow up in his face one day. like you got characters like garfiel who literally saw otto punch the wall and break his hand in an unhinged fit of rage, julius who got snapped at by otto and while julius is a Bit naive definitely knows somethings off there, anastasia whos smart as hell and definitely knows not to underestimate otto, and roswaal who, like you said anon, literally went out of his way to stop otto from breaking his hand in another unhinged fit of rage and warned otto that he will literally be destroying himself if he keeps going on like this. its this fascinating dichotomy bc otto is NOT fooling anyone around him but at the same time his current schemes are mostly unnoticed—for now—which yeah i havent seen that in a lot of media!!! its an interesting balancing act bc people around him realistically know hes competent after seeing the Proof of that for the past couple arcs, but otto is still finding ways to try and Win…

which—again, the anger and violence is an extension of arc 4 otto!! this is the same guy!! hes always been like this!! ottos kind of stayed the same, deep down, this whole time and as an audience its ONLY shoved in our face with a big gigantic spotlight on it FOUR ARCS LATER, but it was hinted to all this time. and like you said anon—we LITERALLY see ottos fucked up thought processes. literally what sane person thinks any of that shit. its spelled right out for the reader HAH T^T which—yeah. media illiteracy…. and also this whole ask was a longer way of just saying that otto is VERY easy to see at surface level if youre media illiterate. but at the same time it should be very easy to figure out otto is A Bit Fucked Up bc tappei underlines it in bright red print!!! i think people sometimes just hang onto soft awkward silly otto and forget about the rest T^T either that or they dont think he cares about subaru at all. which. that phenomenon of thinking characters that do care about subaru Dont Care is also interesting to me bc why????? we’re at arc 8 and you STILL dont get it??? o.ooooo

but yeah apart from that….. i said this earlier but yeah sometimes some people agree with ottos realism in arc 8 which is. understandable, but the whole point is that he is EXTREME. with it. hes Not in the right here, but the same crowd that wants wanton revenge in rezero is gonna agree with that kind of stuff T^T ottos been lurking in the background so much so that tappei made it meta by doing the whole “walking in darkness” part of his character, so i guess people just. dont see ottos ACTUAL worst traits and instead think he would ditch subaru at the first opportunity or something. but at the point we are now, arc 8 ottos problem isnt that hed ditch subaru. his problem is that he would sacrifice the world for subaru. his problem is that he gets extremely angry at subaru for trying to do good. his problem is that hes trying to micromanage everything around him and is willing to sacrifice anything necessary to get what he wants. but sometimes people dont get that bc otto doesnt look sound or seem like a character thatd do that. the Underestimation part of his character is doing too well on. certain audiences. please T^T the soft and awkward and silly parts ARE part of his character just like all the Darker parts are!!!

additionally im also wondering if western audience perception of otto is also clouded by the fact that otto looks and sounds more feminine / androgynous and he doesnt have the appeal of Overt Power either……. he cant Really be waifu-ified… and he cant be used as a weird self insert like subaru…. and you Have to look at him closer to understand him…. and for some reason people dont tend to hate on him so aggressively, if anything people cant even see his actual canonical flaws half the time wkdndn so if youre not paying attention otto CANT be aggressively hated on bc theres nothing there if ur not looking at it….. and if youre not paying attention otto seems more “boring” compared to the others…… (not that people arent allowed to not have otto as a favorite character bc thats totally fair but im talking about the tendency to think hes Saner than he actually is.) but yeah these are just my guesses. i have no clue the western fandom is a little T^T some people unfortunately cannot read.

anyway. big thank you to the japanese fanbase for understanding ottos character more and making so much wonderful fancontent for him T^T also i think that we as a collective fanbase should stop underestimating otto in general bc its exactly what he wouldnt want and i think itd be really hilarious. <3333 make him explode with rage please

[transenbyconfessions]

So ive been out as nonbinary for a while, with they/them pronouns, but i came out to my mom again, gave her a little update on the gender (they/he nonbinary guy) and told her that i wanna go on t. She was very accepting!! And supportive!!

She gave me a fake makeup beard, to see how id look with facial hair, and it was awesome. Im almost 100% sure that i want to go on t now

I havent told my dad, bc hes expressed some… negative opinions on physical transition, but im planning on trying to figure out getting a prescription this summer, since ill be home from college and a bit closer to a planned parenthood that is still open and does hrt, plus ill have turned 18 by then and wont need parental permission (bc no way any of my parental guardians would write off on it)

I dont know if im going to tell him before i set up an appointment, or if i will at all. Im tempted to just go on t and not say anything until he notices, but i know that will probably damage our relationship. I just dont want to deal with a negative reaction if i tell him, or have to try and defend my decision when he starts shit over it.

Guess i never did have a phase where i butt heads w him a bunch like all of my brothers have. If i ever did it would be now, over this, but i dont want to push him away while he’s already struggling w me being out of the house and i dont want to lose part of my support system.

But idk. Maybe mom will bring it up to him before i can (doubtful) or he’ll try and talk to me about it again (possible) or ill just chicken out entirely and we just wont talk about it until after i start having visible changes (very likely)

Its just scary, yknow? Hes never made an effort to make me feel safe talking about this sorta stuff like mom has—prefers to ask me to defend my viewpoints while he pokes holes in arguments i dont have time to put together—and im really not good with confrontation

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[teioh]

venting sorry

one of my dogs passed away last month after some complications and i mourned for about a week, it was incredibly tough on me and one of the most taxing weeks ive ever had if not The Most taxing. just yesterday i had to bring my cat into the er, nothing major for now but having to sit in the same exam room and waiting a rlly long time for results about his condition brought me back to my dog and it was rlly hard not to like. keep my composure the whole time.

doctor wasnt helpful about talking to me about what was going on and hardly helped me w the process. the way he spoke to me felt so condescending saying "i really wish i had a crystal ball to predict whats gonna happen" or "its too bad you cant really have a conversation with him" like .. ok if i knew why my pet was having trouble i wouldnt be here in the first place. thats why im asking professionals... not to mention i went there bc i was worried my cat had bladder problems and the doctor neglected to tell me he had an irregular heartbeat and the nurse had to be the one to tell me while i was looking at estimates for a urinalysis. HELLO?? so im getting super pissed on top of being sad as shit and this doctor, now that im looking at chest xrays, is already talking worst case scenario and telling me to prepare to make a really heavy decision omg i was so fucking mad you have no idea. my cat is OK by the way like he is just completely normal after this, like i do not feel a sense of urgency other than taking him to his primary dr hopefully tomorrow. but like i spent soo much of my day being so pissed yesterday and i got pissed again just recalling this whole thing 😭

ive been having a really tough time mentally the last month and a half. AND physically. im not joking ive been sick on and off since the start of the year. i managed to catch like 3 different illnesses. NONE of which were covid btw im just fucked up. on top of this, my brothers been letting me know his friends pets have been passing away recently and its like. idk what the point of this should be. if its to scare me and stress me out even more abt our own pets then its working. 😭 AHHHH

[missmaywemeetagain]

hiiii! i’ll be reacting to 17 & 18.1 so i’m sorry & pls excuse me if this is a lot LOL

17:

you jumped RIGHT into it i see!!! & let me just say..i nearly DIED!! YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!! i swear i could’ve passed out right w her😂😂😂 elvis saying that’s not normal like what he’s doing to her is?! PLS!!! the way he ordered all her fave foods, it’s the little stuff that shows how he feel🥹 the flashback?? i understand the craziness of the situation but all i can think about is how elvis is ALWAYS there. every. single. time. we LOVE him. the TENSION & the ANXIETY i was feeling when she was up at the lil get together?! the DISGUST when jack kept pushing up on her?! everytime he calls her treasure i get chills & not in a good way. i never thought i could hate a written character more in my life. the confirmation of “cheating” (bc should we reallyyyy call it that atp?? LOL) being him seeing the hickies?! oh i was shaking in my boots. now, i understand the whole purpose of the way this is written is that i’m putting myself in her shoes but WHEN HE DRAGGED HER OUT THAT BATHROOM, DRESS UNDONE,SCREAMING?!?! OH I REALLY FELT THE HATE & EMBARRASSMENT TIMES 100. STEAM WAS COMING OUT MY EARS. i was surprised elvis didn’t pop his ass right then & there. we love a king w a lil self control. emphasis on a lil😂i think i paused in my reading for a good 10 minutes when jack punched her. jaw DROPPED. & i swear i screamed when elvis started beating his ass. my heart SOARED. FINALLYYYY IVE BEEN WAITING & i CACKLED at the confusion from jack. sir, she had that scarf on AGAIN & you’re confused??? PLS. the way EVERYBODY had to hold him back & bring him to his knees from red?! i was eating it up!! & idk….jack deserved more than a smack from her, but at the same time, he not even worth it. elvis did him in enough. now, w all the passing out & throwing up…. pregnancy is running through my brain. MAYBE IM REACHING IDK IDK. this entire part was so JUICY!!! WHEW i was on edge the ENTIRE time. the excitement i’m feeling thinking about what’s next now that everything is finally out on the table?!?! you never fail to surprise me!!!

18.1:

i know you mentioned possibly doing his pov at some point but THIS?!?! oh this is not what i was expecting!!! i am GAGGED!!!! for one, yk i LOVE your flashbacks. but these?! idk i wouldn’t say these were the most intense but they are the most important to me in a way. maybe bc it really confirms everything for me. like clearly just off everything from before, we know he’s in love. BUT READING THESE?!?! HES BEEN DOWN BAD HIS WHOLE LIFE BASICALLY LOL PLEASEEEEE!! that poor baby!!! we know our girl has been too but at least hers is more so on a subconscious level for so many years lol it’s so insane to me how GREAT you write their connection. i’ll say that 1000 times bc i swear i can literally feel it. my heart physically hurts reading this part! the way he yearns for her is so😩😩😩😩 the way he was holding back for so long but after that night he stayed w her he’s like yea no fuck that!! then BOOM! FUCKING JACK MAN!!!!! i teared up! & me knowing the torment that’s still to come & the YEARS of heartbreak he’s gonna go through got me so SAD!! it took SO long for him to finally have her!!! also, now that i’m thinking. elvis knew jack wanted her from the jump, that’s why he didn’t say shit even knowing they have that intense unexplainable connection but HER?! what’s her tea?!?! after she was done w ted she should’ve been ON IT. BUT i can say i’m glad bc all that ripping & running he was doing early in his career, it wouldn’t have been fair (which actually was probably her thought process now that i’m typing it lol) & it probably all would’ve fell apart. timing is a important thing. i cannot WAIT for 18.2!!!!! something so good always comes after a great flashback to connect & you gave us a few so im ready!!

you really pull some crazy emotions out of me reading this series. I LOVE IT. letting yk NOW, once this is complete?! oh i will pay good money to have this on paper in my bookshelf!!!!

First, I'm sorry it took so long to get to this ask, but OMG, Kelly Honey, I LOVEEEEE this. LOVE. IT. Your passionate reactions are what I live for and thank you for blessing me with them! 🥰 You somehow put into words all the fun emotions I'm trying to glean from y'all as a writer and it's just great to see! So many good observations and theories going on here!

My brain is a bit fried from finishing 18.2 just now, so I'll just say that I cannot wait to see how the next part sends you over the edge, babycakes...💋

[sl33pyperson]

finally we have reached moon knight in 2000s! alas i have so many screenshots to go thru until we start

moon knight was made to live in watercolour

i have no idea where i started or ended with the previous mk post oh fuck

its been a while so ive also forgotten my thoughts

just, ouhghhhhh look at that man

TRUNCHEON TRUNCHEON TRUNCHEON also like. ok yeah hes saying it outloud for the audiences sake, but having mk be SIMPLE with his weapons is just. so nice after “random bullshit go”

GENAAAAAAA CROWLEEEYYYYYYYYY THE MOUSTASSSSHHHEEEEEEEE

sobbing

almost feels like im dead - that one eaaaarrrlyyyyyy panel of him being like “i just feel like a ghost in a body” monech no one is doing it like you. love this ghost

of course ud bring back the people who already know ur deal hiiii samuels, steven i hope u are paying both of them very well

i am not smart enough to understand like. the deep complexities behind these two relationship, but gods i love em

SCREAMING SHOUTING OMG HI FLIINTTTT i didnt realise how much i missed the cast…… like what the fuck were they doing in marc spector moon knight. saw someone be like “that series just show how much steven actually does” and like yeah marc has no idea how to run a business and no idea how to stay connected to ppl

bushman SCARED of someone. fucking AMAZING. put in the villain mk is most scared? horrified? traumatised? by and show him weak <3333 yeahahhhhh

i hate jake getting the kids involved every time like i want them to be safe :( but also jack saying hi is sooooooooooo sweet

hes just so cute

just fun

“haunted by the deeds of a dead man” thanks marc!

something about this panel is just, mwah

UR AN IDIOT I STILL HATE THIS UVE GOTTEN GENA IN TROUBLE ONCE PLEAAASSSEEEEEEEEEEEEE

“wheres my fucking money dracula”

if people are going to keep saying mk is batman, at the very least give him a joker. none of his main villains r just funny little guys. it doesnt match mk tone at ALL but it would be funny

i have forgotten what “the company” is, is that the ppl who hired mk to kill mr. jack werewolf?? fuck if i know

“jakes mustache” lol cute

marlene is CONSTANTLY scared of loosing steven to ANYTHING and as much as i hate jealousy arcs i wish her fears were…. more developed? but i think that always ends up with her leaving him bc being a part of mk just wrecks her when she thinks about it. alas

this kinda tulpa is more of a physical one but just imagine if they had a marlene in their head too. crowded

i love comics for stupid shit like this. welp aliens and moth man and nessie MIGHTbe real but we can draw mk with lil alien guys and call it canon

holy shit i need to get ready for school hold up its speed run time. anyway i love this ship design

“maybe we should get into email” is just a great line

mk came into this comic to stand of wolfies head the. get the shot beaten outta him. kinda hot

speedrun

FUCK IMAGE LIMIT

[violentviolette]

i suspect i may have BPD but i'm only 18, abt to turn 19 in a couple months. i'm still figuring out everything from my childhood bc i can barely bring myself to acknowledge the fact that my childhood was bad and abusive bc i was never "properly" hit or beaten but with my research, reflection, reading old diaries from throughout my life, n talking to ppl with BPD, im seriously starting to think i may have it. but another part of me is like "lol ur just a crazy attention seeking whore, ur fine, it's just all in ur head" and it's why i can't bring myself to go see a psychiatrist. do u have any pointers or advice?

ignore that second voice. really and truly because they're a bitch who doesnt know shit. that second voice is ur internal abuser, it exists solely to keep u in line and make sure u continue to be abused even when ur abuser is not there. kill them. genuinely.

it's very much like the theory of "the cop in ur head" when we've been abused we internalize that mistreatment and subconsciously begin abusing ourselves in the absence of our abuser because we begin to believe the abuse. we internalize those negative messages about ourselves, that we're just crazy, that we just want attention, that our needs and feelings are useless and pointless and stupid and all of our motives and actions are negative because we're bad people who deserve to be hurt. none of that is ever true

a good tip is to ask urself, who benefits from this mindset? who benefits from u not believe that what happened to u was harmful? who benefits from u never seeking help? who benefits from u believing these negative things about urself? because most of the time the answer is "the person hurting u"

every single person who has undergone trauma has felt the way u feel right now. every single one of us has felt that we werent "really" abused because of xyz thing to the point that that is genuinely a symptom of ptsd. denying and downplaying what happened to us in order to not acknowledge it is very much a literal stated symptom of ptsd

ive known people who *were* physically beaten say the same thing, "oh but i never broke a bone" "oh but they never used a weapon" "oh but it was only a slap that doesnt count" i used to believe that my parents never hit me because they "only" used an open hand when they struck me and for it to "count" it would have had to have been a closed fist punch. we make up these arbitrary lines in order to invalidate ourselves because acknowledging the truth of what happened to us is scary and difficult and goes against our literal lifetimes worth of abusive conditioning

but there is never ever some arbitrary line or threshold u have to meet for ur pain to be valid. u were hurt and mistreated and thats enough, it will always be enough and ur pain and ur anger and ur feelings matter and u deserve to heal from them. u dont ever need something to be "bad enough" for u to have permission to heal from it

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twelve

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: this took so long bc ive been reading chain of iron and in general agonizing over things i cant control instead of being productive 🥴 that being said, absolutely none of the events in this chapter were planned in my outline, but here we are with something new!

***

December brings more snow and bone chilling weather, to the point where Cassian has to drag Nesta out of bed, either physically or by phone call, to get her to therapy appointments on time. 

She’s in the waiting room one freezing morning when, in her utter boredom, she musters up the nerve to turn to the girl sitting next to her. “What are you in here for?”

The girl blinks her large blue eyes, taking notice of Nesta for the first time. Nesta uses the opportunity to take in her freckle-painted face, a little wan but beautiful. Reddish brown hair hangs around her face and shoulders, creating a thick curtain from the rest of the world, and Nesta’s curiosity piques like she’s just found a shiny new toy.

It probably isn’t right to compare people to toys, but then the girl says, “This isn’t prison, you know.” Her voice is deep, almost sultry— completely at odds from her huddled-in posture and sickened expression. “I didn’t commit a crime to have to be here.”

Is she insulted by Nesta’s question, or is she poking a joke? Nesta decides to play it safe by murmuring, “Sorry, never mind.”

She starts to turn away when the girl says, “We’re trying a new type of trauma therapy today. I had to get here half an hour early because I couldn’t swallow my nerves.”

Nesta might lack many social skills, but she isn’t stupid enough to ask what kind of trauma the girl is being treated for. Instead, she nods casually as if she understands the struggle. “I’ve been coming here for weeks now and I’ve barely discussed shit. That’s mostly on me, but you know…” She actually doesn’t know where she’s going with her train of thought. “It sounds brave to do whatever you're doing,” she states finally. “I don’t think I’ll be able to open up that much about myself, ever.” 

The girl gives Nesta a weird look that she immediately recognizes. Nesta uses it every time she doesn’t know how to respond to someone who takes her by surprise.

The door to Lana’s office clicks open, and the woman herself pokes her head out with a plain smile. “Ready, Nesta?”

Nesta bites down on her frown. She has a feeling today won’t be as easy as her past sessions.

She’s about to leave without another glance at the girl beside her when that low voice speaks up. “I’m Gwyn.”

Nesta looks back at her as she gets up from her chair, and says the first reply that comes to mind: “Good to know.”

***

Nesta is contemplative hours after she gets back from her therapy session, bundled up in her bed with a coloring book. The repetitive motion of filling in the mandala drawing lets her mind wander, picking up and dropping different thoughts like she’s inspecting stones. 

She keeps her wrist light as she colors in with red. She finally said Tomas’s name in therapy today, though the action left a slimy feeling in Nesta’s stomach that lingers even now. She also spoke about her sisters, which somehow ended up leading to a discussion of her uterus. 

“How have you been dealing with the endometriosis news?”

Nesta shrugged. “I’m getting treated, and my last period was more bearable than usual—”

“I mean mentally, how are you doing? With how your condition could affect your future?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Affect me how?”

“Have you never considered the impact it could have on your ability to bear children?”

“Not everything in life is about bearing children, you know.”

“We’re humans. It’s definitely something to consider.”

“Not for me. I’ve never wanted kids.” A mistruth at best. “I don’t care what endo does or doesn’t do to me on those grounds.”

In a way, Nesta told herself, the health risks were actually for the best. If she ever did, by some stupid loss of sanity, try to have children, then her body would act as a safety net from her decisions.

Lana only said, “You’ll never know how much you care or don’t care until you talk out your feelings.”

“Then I guess we’ll never know.”

Nesta lets the memory of that conversation drop like a stone on a shore. That’s not something she has to face for a good long while. No, right now she has to face her past. 

Her sisters, and her ex, and even her father— 

I wonder if I came off too strong with Gwyn today. 

Her hand stops drawing, and she switches out her red marker for an orange one. This thought she doesn’t mind inspecting for a little longer: she and Gwyn ended up leaving their sessions at the same time, which meant they were forced into stilted conversation on the way down to the parking lot. 

Not forced, Nesta self-corrects. She willingly initiated a conversation, and it didn’t go terribly. She wonders if making friends in therapy waiting rooms is a real thing.

Her phone vibrates beside her, breaking her hours-long mental bubble. Blinking dazedly, she answers the phone call.

“How are you?” is the first thing Cassian says to her. He makes sure to ask her that at least twice a day, like a gauging of her temperature. It makes Nesta wonder what she’s ever done in her life to call for such… attention to her well-being. 

“I’m good,” she answers honestly. “My head’s a little loud right now, but I don’t mind it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather hear you talk.” She slumps back against her pillows, coloring book forgotten. “What’s up?”

“Ah...” Cassian sounds hesitant for the first time since their relationship started. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten my Christmas decorations up yet, and I was going to ask if you wanted to help.”

Nesta takes a moment to absorb his words. “It’s December fifth,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just seem like somebody who does their decorations the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Well, this year is a little different, with you moving out and being busy with school…” He pauses. “I was waiting to do it with you.”

When she doesn’t reply, Cassian adds, “I don’t even know if you care about Christmas. I know you and your family sort of ignored holidays. It’s fine if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll be over right now,” Nesta blurts. 

Half an hour later, Cassian swings open his door with a smug grin on his face; a vast difference from the stammering hesitance he displayed over the phone earlier. Nesta’s own lips want to pull up into a smile just at the sight of him, but she holds back and narrows her eyes instead. “What’s got you so worked up?” she questions as she steps into the warmth of the cabin and out of the freezing cold.

“The way you ran over here as soon as I asked.” He looks her up and down, still amused. “You didn’t even bother to change, did you?”

It’s true: she’s in the same sweatpants and long sleeved tee she wore around home, and her socked feet are shoved into slippers. 

“Get that smirk off your face.” Nesta flicks his nose before tossing her coat off. “If this is a competition about who’s got a bigger puppy-crush for whom, you already won when you delayed putting up your Christmas decorations for me.”

“Fair enough,” he grins. The words send an unexpected pang through Nesta, because it’s partly true, isn’t it? He cares more openly for her than she does for him. 

She looks away in guilt, not knowing how to fix the imbalance. Her eyes land on the living room coffee table, where their half-finished jigsaw puzzle sits. It’s been stored under the couch for the past few weeks, forgotten by Nesta and Cassian alike as they moved on with their lives, but now it’s sitting out again.

“Have you been working on the puzzle without me?” She raises an inquisitive brow, about to feel— hurt.

“Never,” Cassian promises, saving her from that irrational hurt. “I just brought it out because I figured we should get to finishing it one day.”

She pads over to the table, picking up a puzzle piece and turning it over in her hand. “I don’t know if you remember, but we had a terrible time working on this,” she scoffs lightly.

“Oh, I remember,” he says, coming up behind her and stealing the piece from her grasp. “I think it’s safe to say those evenings were the worst fights we’ll ever have together.”

Nesta leans back against Cassian’s chest and hums. “It made us a stronger couple, don’t you think?” She turns her head up and back to meet Cassian’s eyes, finding that he’s already looking down at her.

Hypnotized, she leans into his warmth. She only manages to land the smallest kiss against his lips when his hand squeezes her ass cheek. “You’re here for a job, remember?” He taps her butt before pulling away, gesturing to the Christmas tree in the corner of the living area with his chin. It stands bare. “You do tinsel, I’ll do lights.”

Tinsel is harder to work with than Nesta remembers. She only manages to get half the tree done before plopping onto the Persian rug, exhausted and covered in silvery material. She doesn’t mind laying there while Cassian continues working; it’s her revenge for when he napped on her bed while she moved in.

“You know the stair railings still need to be wreathed, Archeron.”

Nesta declines to respond, tilting her head on the carpet for a better view of her boyfriend’s ass instead. “All this decorating,” she starts. “Is it just for you?”

Cassian turns to her, surprised. “Well…”

She pushes up onto her elbows, catching her mistake. “Are we doing Christmas together? Or are your friends coming over?” She hasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas in years now, and she doesn’t care much what Cassian’s plans are either way.

“I was hoping for both?” He sounds hesitant. “Christmas Eve is all the way over in Velaris, but I was thinking we could go together, open some presents, and come back and spend Christmas here.”

Nesta purses her lips. She doesn’t actually hate that plan. Both Feyre and Elain have been pestering her with the annual texts asking her to visit for Christmas, and for once, she feels like responding to them. The invitation is more of a formality than an actual request at this point; she doubts her sisters want her there after years of rejections, but… what’s the harm?

“Is that a yes?” Cassian asks at her unreadable face.

“Yes,” she states unflinchingly. She refuses to overthink the possible consequences of this choice and chooses to focus on the broad grin overtaking Cassian’s face. “Really?” he says.

“But there has to be rules.” Nesta sits up fully now. “No one can know we’re together, no matter how much you trust or love them.”

“We already agreed to that, baby.”

Yes, but Nesta knows the secret weighs on him heavier than he shows— even if he agrees with her that it's for the best. “It’ll be different when we’re together in the same room as everyone else,” she says. Cassian wears his beating heart on his sleeve, and she doesn’t think he’s ever had to hide it before.

“You’ll also be different,” she adds. “It’s a huge change of pace.”

Cassian drops the remaining strand of lights and smiles confusedly down at her. “What do you mean, I’ll be different?” He sits across from her, before the blazing fire. 

“You know how you get around your friends.” Nesta shrugs without a thought. “Like your personality readjusts to mirror the people around you. I used to find it a mix of sad and adorable, like a neglected puppy desperate for love, but now I— okay, I still feel the same way.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture.

By the look on Cassian’s face, he does not find her words so easily dismissed. 

Coldness curdles in the pit of Nesta’s stomach, the realization that she’s said something wrong. She can’t fix it until she knows where she fucked up, though.

“Is that what you think of me?” Cassian finally says lowly. His usually expressive mouth is drawn tight and narrow. 

“Um… What would you rather I think of you?”

His eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously, Nesta?”

Nesta’s back stiffens, refusing to cower. “I only described what I’ve observed in the past.”

“And what you observed was a desperate puppy?” His voice is cold in a way she’s never heard before.

Okay, she’s starting to see how that might be offensive. She forges onward, “Tell me what you think about yourself in the presence of your family, then.” It’s a private victory that she says family instead of clown circus. But she’s not trying to turn this into a fight.

Cassian is silent, but his stare continues to rage at her.

“Tell me,” Nesta repeats.

His hands curl into fists on the rug. “I think I’m empathetic, easy to talk to, and easier to be around. Is it a problem if I’m likable?” Unlike you are the unsaid words.

Nesta inspects the space between them like it’s a chessboard. “And what part of yourself are you giving up to be so likable, Cassian?” she says quietly.

“Nothing.”

Nesta disagrees, if only because she’s been watching him out of the corner of her eye for years. “I think you base your personality off of those you love, and you lose a little bit of your true self every time you put others’ needs before your own.” 

She shuts her mouth, not having expected such honesty to come out of it. Cassian is taken aback, too, she can tell.

“And I guess it’s natural that you’d see all of that as a bad thing, considering your history of being closed off and self-serving to a fault,” he fires back with the flatness Nesta utilizes so often.

One for one. Fair enough. “We’re both right then,” Nesta says. “You work for your best friend because you have no ambition beyond serving your family, and I have no such family because I can’t bring myself to care about those things. Are we even now?”

Cassian furrows his brows, those defensive walls melting away as he realizes she’s completely serious. “What? No, Nes—” He shakes his head. “Okay, so maybe you’re right about me. Maybe I agree with you a little bit, but… If we see flaws in each other, then we should be working to overcome them instead of weaponizing them.”

Now Nesta’s the one shaking her head, quickly lifting a hand to stop him. “Relax there, sweetheart. I have no expectations from you or myself to go on some self-improvement journey now that we’re together. Talking about my feelings with a professional every week is hard enough.” Yes, agreeing to go to Feyre’s Christmas party is improvement. Slow, barely there improvement, but enough to wear her out for the rest of the month. For Nesta to fully let people into her life, to treat them as lovingly as she treats Cassian— that’s a long way away. She can’t envision it, doesn’t even know if she wants it.

Cassian must understand some of what she’s thinking, because he nods and backs off. He gets back up and returns to stringing lights, tossing a handful of tinsel at Nesta as if to say Get back to work. 

She stands and obeys, thinking their not-argument is officially over when Cassian says, “You’re wrong about one thing.”

She looks up from where she threads tinsel through fir leaves. He doesn’t take his eyes off his work as he says, “You do have a family. And deep, deep down, you care about them as much as I care about mine.”

***

Nesta catches Emerie’s eye as the dark-haired beauty walks into the pub. Raising a hand and waving, she gestures Emerie over to the booth she’s sitting in. 

“Look what I found,” Nesta says with a hint of pride, pointing to the redhead sitting beside her. “A third girl for girl’s night!”

“I was kidnapped,” Gwyn speaks up. “Jumped on the way to my car.” She’s out of her usual hoodie and in a tight-fitting blouse, looking stunning even while seeming out of place in the dim bar.

“She came here consensually,” Nesta retorts. “Emerie, this is Gwyn. We met at therapy.”

Gwyn offers Emerie an awkward smile.

Emerie slides into the booth across from them with raised brows. She looks between Nesta and the new girl and back again. “You invited her here? All by yourself?” she asks.

Nesta nods firmly.

Emerie breaks into a wide grin and reaches over the table to grab Nesta’s hand. “I’m so proud of you!” If Emerie were anyone else, she’d be squealing in excitement, but Emerie does not squeal.

Nesta waves off her friend’s praise, though a part of her wants to beam at it, too.

Gwyn glances between the two of them with slight amusement. “I mean, it’s not that impressive,” she says. “She came on a bit too strong, probably a five out of ten on the asking-someone-out scale.”

“‘A bit too strong’ is all you’re gonna get with Nesta,” Emerie says, lifting her hand to order drinks. “She’s all-or-nothing, and most people would pray she doesn’t give them her nothing.”

Nesta doesn’t know if that’s a compliment, but she supposes there are worse things that could be said about her.

“So, Gwyn, what do you do?” Emerie leans forward. “All our friends are law students and it’s starting to get boring.”

Gwyn goes off about her librarian job as Nesta orders their drinks, and Emerie rests her chin in her hand and listens eagerly. Christmas music plays softly in the background and snow flurries gently outside. Nesta thinks she can’t be doing that bad in life, if she’s managed to carve out this little slice of happiness for herself.

***

a/n: i promise shit actually happens next chapter! we're getting christmas with nessian and the ic in the same room for the first time

taglist: @ladywitchling @sjm-things @thewayshedreamed @drielecarla @valkyriewarriors @superspiritfestival @aliveahaahahafuck @cupcakey00 @sayosdreams @rainbowcheetah512 @claralady @thebluemartini @nessiantho @missing-merlin @duskandstarlight @lucy617 @sleeping-and-books @everything-that-i-love @cassianscool @swankii-art-teacher @awesomelena555 @julemmaes @wickedqueenoffantasy @poisonous-bloom @observationanxioustheorist @gisellefigue08 @courtofjurdan @theoverlyenthusiasticwriter @wolfiixxx @cass-nes @seashade @royaltykxx @illyrianundercover @queenestarcheron @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @humanexile @that-golden-lyre @agentsofsheilds @mercy-is-alive @cassiansbigwingspan @laylaameer01 @verypaleninja @maastrash @bow-dawn @perseusannabeth @dead-on-the-inside666 @jlinez @hungryreadingaddict @anidealiveson

[simonsrosebud]

what is kevin and betsy like? does he take therapy seriously or act more like neil?

(idk how therapy actually works since ive never gone so idk how accurate his sessions w betsy are okay bye)

kevin takes his therapy seriously, yes.  

at first he doesn’t, when he first comes to psu.  he’s too scared to tell betsy anything bc if she tells anyone then kevin is doomed.

but when riko is killed, he starts taking it seriously.  it’s the main reason why his anxiety is amplified and his panic attacks and nightmares become more frequent.  betsy is working through his trauma with him and bringing much of it back to the surface.

when kevin first meets dalton he knows he likes him.  but he still isn’t ready to tell anyone, not even betsy.

unfortunately for him, she’s really good at her job.

“i want to bring the conversation back to this boy, dalton, that you said you’ve been hanging out with.  he’s your friend?”

something like that.

“yeah, he’s a friend.”

“that’s good, that you’ve made friends outside the team.  how did you meet him?  i notice you’ve been bringing him up a lot lately.”

kevin kneads his hands in his lap.  of course he’d make that mistake.  “i was doing homework at starbucks, and he helped me with math and then asked for my number.”  she nods.  “now we hang out a lot.  mainly at his place.  i don’t want andrew and neil to scare him off.”

she nods again.  “what exactly do you think they’d do?”

kevin shrugs.  “i-i don’t know.  but they’d get in my business and probably tell nicky or matt who would tell the whole team, and then they’d be all in my business,” he keeps going when betsy’s face changes an inch.  just contemplating his words, but he reads into it.  “-and i don’t need that right now.  dalton doesn’t even really know that i’m famous.  it’s too soon, and i can’t be outed to the public, it’ll ruin me.”

he only seems to realize what he’s said when betsy starts talking.  “can’t be outed in what way, kevin?”  he stammers.  “i have a feeling you didn’t mean to tell me that, but is dalton really just a friend?”

kevin’s heart is beating out of his chest.  he digs his fingers into his leg.  “no.”

but betsy hasn’t batted an eye.  “that’s okay.  do you want to talk about it?  you’re clamming up.  take some deep breaths, you know i wouldn’t tell a soul if that’s what you’re worried about.”

he pulls his knees to his chest and drops his head.  fuck.  no one was supposed to know, not anytime soon, anyhow.

he composes himself, but doesn’t move.  “i… like guys.”  he lifts his head.  “and girls, but…” he looks away.  “i’ve been seeing dalton, more than just friends.”

betsy is smiling, softly.  “that’s good, kevin.  i know aren’t ready to tell the others, but you shouldn’t be embarrassed.  not with me, anyhow.”  he shrugs.  “would you like to talk more about dalton or move along?”

he shrugs again.  after a minute, wraps his arms around his knees.  “he’s twenty-four, he’s a grad student...  he didn’t have any clue who i was when he met me, i still haven’t really told him a lot.”

“that’s alright.  things take time.  i know you have trouble lettings new people in, and sometimes with physical touch, are there any problems there that you’d like to discuss?”

kevin glares at her, “i’m not talking about our relationship.”

she backs off with an easy nod.  she does a lot of that.  maybe that’s why she works.

somehow, betsy eventually cracks kevin on talking in depth about his relationship with dalton.  she hears all about it when andrew finds out, then when allison finds out, then when nicky finds out.

when the foxes play never have i ever with dalton.  that was a fun one.

“i’m not taking their side, i’m just asking, but do you think perhaps they could have been trying to get to know him and see if he’s all clear?”

he scoffs.  “if they were they’ve got a fucked way of doing that.  they got him plastered.”

“he didn’t have to keep drinking.  from what i’m hearing.”

“he wanted to impress them, he’d never met them before.”  he crosses his arms.

“did you try to tell him to stop drinking?  was it the drinking that really upset you or that your friends were trying to get answers out of him.”

he frowns.  “second one- but it wasn’t just answers.  they went further than just never have i ever dated kevin, they brought up things like wymack and me having to get blacked out to get my tattoo covered, and… i don’t know, sensitive stuff.”  the yakuza.  “it wasn’t okay.”

“did you express this to them?”  he nods.  “you weren’t ready for dalton to know those kinda of things about you, yet.”  he nods and looks away.

“stop reading my brain,” he mumbles.  betsy takes it with a smile, but he’d be lying if he weren’t a tad annoyed about it.  he didn’t think he was this transparent.  

or again, maybe she’s just that good at her job.

contrary to popular belief, saying i love you for the first time didn’t mean that saying it again became easy all of a sudden.  not for kevin.  not for maybe two weeks, until he can get used to dalton saying it more and more.

he talks to betsy about it, just barely.  despite everything he’s told her already, there’s something about this that he’s too embarrassed by.

the only reason he tells dalton is because he wakes up in his bed, sweating and panting in the middle of the night.  the first thing he does is squint his eyes and look for dalton in the dark, and takes a breath when he sees him stir.  he’s still here.  he didn’t leave you.  stop being delusional.

his hands are fists in the sheets, and he presses himself back against the headboard.  you’re fine.

but he still jumps a little when dalton sits up.  “hey,” his voice is groggy, and he rubs his eyes.  he almost reaches for kevin, too, but stops.  “hey, kev.  it’s d, baby, you’re okay.”

“i know,” he whispers.  “i’ll be right back.”

he steps out of bed, hands shaking, and zips across the room to the bathroom.  it’s dark, okay?

he braces himself against the sink.  “get yourself together.”  he splashes water onto his face.  it doesn’t help.  he’s just wet, now.

he leans back against the wall and slides to the floor.  here’s his dilemma.  there’s a part of him that loves dalton more than life itself, he thinks.  and by a part of him he means all of him.

so why is he so scared of it?  of saying it freely, or without a second thought?  he’s never done this before.  he doesn’t know how it’s supposed to be, he just doesn’t understand why he so scared that he’ll get used to saying it and one day be reject-

oh.

dalton is up on his phone when he leaves the bathroom, and turns it off when he crawls back into the bed.  “are you okay?”

“i’m fine,” he says.

“kev”

kevin tucks his hands into the comforter and balls his fists.  “um, i had a dream that you left,” he mumbles. “i know it’s stupid, i just had a moment, it’s whatever-“

“no, it’s not stupid.  i’ve had the same dream before… s’why i said i love you the first time, actually.”

kevin purses his lips.  he can just barely see dalton’s frown.  “um, don’t judge, but i think… i have a hard time saying i love you,” he mumbles.  “so you just have to let me get used to it.”

“okay,” dalton says.  “do you wanna talk about it at all?”

kevin shrugs.  “i don’t know.”  but betsy’s advice swirls in his head.  the only way to know how he feels is talking to him, even if you’d rather not.

“you’re the first person i’ve had a real relationship with.  i think i’m scared i’ll get used to saying i love you and then one day you just won’t say it back.  reject me, or whatever.”  he lies back and feels dalton following.

dalton is lying on his stomach with an arm over kevin and his chin on his chest.  “you’re not crazy for being scared of that,” he mumbles.  “but i can tell you that i don’t see it happening.”  he brushes kevin’s hair from his forehead.  “i’m not leaving anytime soon.”  he kisses his chest since he can’t reach his face without moving.

“okay,” and kevin swallows his fear, or pride, he’s still not sure.  “i love you.”

the next week at his appointment with betsy he tells her of the late night realization, and how dalton reacted to it when he told him.

“the thing to remember about dalton is that we know he’s not going to reject you out of the blue, yes?  from what i see here and there, he’s not just a fling or a short time boyfriend, and he’s now made it clear to you.”

kevin holds his hot chocolate close to his face.  he hasn’t drank any of it, but it’s warm in his hands and the steam is nice on his face.  “yeah,” he murmurs, and without thinking, “i’m pretty sure he’s my soulmate.”

oh?  “i thought you didn’t believe in that kind of thing?”

he shrugs in attempt to hide his shock from saying it, and then tries to hold back a shit eating grin.  “yeah, well… it’s dalton.”

[daaziscoolbesties]

[REPOST] MY 2K WORD COMMENTARY/ANALYSIS OF RANBOO’S LORE STREAM

‼️‼️This post contains lore spoilers from Ranboo’s 4/23 stream, “The Enderwalk Saga. Chapter 1: The Lessons”. If you haven’t seen that stream don’t read ahead unless you want spoilers‼️‼️

disclaimer: this isnt really an analysis as much as a bunch of commentary and half-baked theories.

-on the way to the mansion he was sort of talking to himself saying stuff like "i'm good i'm good" which m a y be a normal thing but also maybe it's not and it flew over our heads cause he talks to chats and donos like that so often

-again, this one may just be a normal thing but when he was climbing up the stairs in the mansion looking for foolish, he repeats some of his words like down to the exact same tone of voice and everything. 12:42,  "this mansion is way too big actually. this mansion is way too big actually." (why the repeated actually? seems odd to me but again it might just be a normal thing that i haven't picked up on). (right after) "okay okay lemme find him lemme find him" again repeated words in the e x a c t same tone.

-does everyone know about ranboo's silk touch hands ability thing? or was that just a techno and ranboo main character moment. bc if it was, how would foolish know that ranboo could pick up the full cake after it'd been partially eaten. unless everyone on the sever knows about that in which case this means nothing. but if they d o n t know... how would foolish know? ranboo wrote about it in the do not read book so maybe if it's not a publicly known thing maybe foolish got his hands on the book and read it??

-14:53-ish, they're talking about the war room and how it was for tubbo or whatever and ranboo says, and i quote "he prepares for lore but he's never gonna do it." now funny thing is at first i couldn't tell if he said "war" like in reference to the war room or "lore". but after playing the clip over and over i can say with ALMOST 100% certainty that he said lore. there is a definite L sound at the beginning of the word. which either means a) this was a slip up (doubtful bc he said later that there were no mistakes), b) he broke the fourth wall because they were supposed to be rping at that point, or c) i'm completely wrong and he said "war" which leads down an entire other road of possibilities

-15:17 "are you a book reader?" "*checks inventory for do not read book* uh yeah i'd say i'm a book reader-" dunno how i didn't catch this the first time I HATE THAT DAMN BOOK

-15:18 there's blue in his hotbar. where did he get the blue.

-16:40 "it's like a metaphor- i have two minds: i have my normal self, my normal little shift-dancing self, and then the builder one. the builder one is demanding. it's a very demanding mind." ranboo then lets out a weird sigh after this. i feel like what foolish was talking about was an indirect(?) parallel to ranboo in and out of enderwalk, there's how he normally is, trying to do best for others, and then there's enderwalk, meeting up with bad guys and "demanding" things (its very late as i write this i really don't know what i'm talking about)

-17:11 "you have your panic closet" i'm sorry his what now 😀 no but seriously how the hell did i miss some of these

-18:04 "you're asking me if i remember?" very funny ranboo thank you for making jokes in these trying times

-18:25 WHY DID HE GET OUT THE AXE WHEN STARING AT THE BEE

-19:38 why did foolish hold the grass block- most of these observations probably mean nothing but- h u h - is that- i'm too tired for this

-19:54 "i never properly thanked you for the deal you made with me" so foolish got something out of this deal, we're not sure if ranboo did. "the green cardboard box" again do you mean dream's house- but seriously the only people i can think of on the server that are associated with green are dream and sam. and i have no idea what cardboard box could be referring to.  foolish got a lime colored shulker from drista

-20:30 "we're supposed to only talk about it at a certain location" hmm now where would that be? panic room maybe? cause like usually after doing a big thing in the enderwalk state ranboo wakes up in the panic room so maybe?  the deal was that they only talk about it in his house

-21:52 how does ranboo receive(?) the lessons? like are they whispered to him in his mind or is he seeing them as words in front of him like we see? hmm

-"Lesson 14: If you have the opportunity to gain a favor, take it." "gain a favor" don't you usually ask people for favors though? how does one "gain a favor"? anyways i'm pretty sure lesson 14 has to do with the deal foolish was talking about. (the deal explained because i now have info: at some point a bit ago foolish met up with ranboo and asked to make a deal, he'd gotten a shulker box from drista. the deal was that ranboo would have ownership of the box, it would be under his name but foolish rents/borrows it indefinitely. ranboo negotiated that if he took ownership of the box he would get a "war favor"  from foolish where if something happens that creates sides, ranboo can ask him a favor that could change his side. but why would foolish want ranboo to have ownership of the shulker you may ask? well i have an answer for you. a theory actually but still. basically since drista technically isn't supposed to give out shit on the server if someone where to have that stuff then they may get in trouble. foolish wants to be able to use the shulker but if it gets found he doesn't want to get in trouble, so he can blame it on ranboo seeing as it's under his name.)

-22:16-ish "i still have this from when you *can't understand whats said here*" well i guess that sort of explains why he had the grass block? idk man (info update: he had the grass block from when ranboo threw it at him telling him to calm down like what ghostbur does with blue)

-31:35 "i figured out how to cause it" how to cause the enderwalk state

-38:30 "ninety three lessons" I STILL DONT KNOW WHY HE KEPT SAYING NINETY THREE AND NOT NINETY FOUR AND ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY LMAO

-39:01 "it's all for the greater good" okay well when are you gonna start thinking about yourself and not everyone else for once huh. self care bitch.

-40:31 he started holding the axe when he was looking at sam- gonna say it i really don't like that axe ahahah- WAIT A DAMN MINUTE THE AXE IS NAMED "axe of ender" I DONT LIKE THAT I DONT LIKE THAT AT ALL

-41:53 is there something?? physically keeping him from telling sam??? or maybe it's sort of like his enderwalk state taking control to make him shut the fuck up??? so many questions and approximately zero answers

-43:18 ranboo raising his voice legitimately scares me 😀👍

-"Lesson 27: Do not reminisce on what you have lost for it will weigh you down." showed up when he was thinking about and REMINISCING about the community house 👀👀

-"Lesson 53: Never fully trust anyone." showed up literally after he said that he thinks he can trust the other people on the server enough to tell them about what he did

-"Lesson 67: Leave no evidence of what you have helped with." this is different from the others because there doesn't seem to be at least a semi-direct connection to it? unless maybe at the time ranboo was near something he may have "helped with"? not sure about this one

-"Lesson 94: DO NOT LET THEM KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE" yeah yeah i get it i get it he's fucked up some shit in enderwalk i don't feel like analyzing this thanks

-OH OH NOTICE HOW HE SAYS "REMEMBERING" WHEN THE LESSONS SHOW UP. IMPLYING THAT THIS ISNT A NEW THING, ITS HAPPENED BEFORE AND NOW HES REMEMBERING IT. MAYBE HE WROTE DOWN THE LESSONS WHEN HE WAS IN ENDERWALK AND NOW THAT HES BEEN EXPERIMENTING ITS BEEN EASIER FOR HIM TO REMEMBER THOSE ENDERWALK MEMORIES

-okokok the experiments are that he's been e x p e r i m e n t i n g on how to purposefully induce the enderwalk state. and we know now that it wasn't from the pain of the water because on the stream afterwords he said that it's caused by the intense fear of something happening. and so the "side effects" of the experiments is that since he's in enderwalk more often(?) he starts remembering more things from it

-OH MY GOD WAIT "there is a reason sam, there's so many reasons, theres ninety three of them" (44:47) WHAT IF EVERY LESSON IS TIED TO A QUOTE UNQUOTE "reason" THAT RANBOO THINKS HES A BAD PERSON/NEEDS TO BE LOCKED UP BUT HE SAYS NINETY THREE INSTEAD OF NINETY FOUR BECAUSE THE NINETY FOURTH LESSON DOESNT HAVE A REASON YET/HE DOESNT REMEMBER IT HAVING A REASON

-dude honestly the whole sam part hurts so much this man is scarily good at acting

-46:46 "i cant put you in the prison you wouldn't be able to see michael anymore" bestie that's the point he doesn't want to accidentally hurt michael or tubbo in the enderwalk state—

-okay but there's no way that sam couldn't tell that ranboo was at least TRYING to confess to something- i feel like he definitely knows more than he's letting on because usually like when people do bad shit or admit to doing bad shit he's like in Prison Guard Mode™️ (he literally cut off ponk's arm because he stole some keycards or something) and whatever and idk what he knows but he definitely knows something and is trying to protect ranboo. or he's trying to manipulate him or smth either one works—

-50:38 "you are a good person" "i am?" you can hear my heart shatter. "yes you are" "i don't think so sam" "i do, even if you don't" "i really don't think so" and there it goes again

-51:25 hello badboyhalo i see you to the left of ranboo

-52:44 "but then my curiosity got the best of me" curiosity killed the cat, bitch

-52:54 "there's ninety three, ninety four, ninety- theres so many reasons!" SEE!! NOT ONLY ARE THERE THAT MANY LESSONS THERE ARE REASONS THAT CORRESPOND IM S O SMART—

-52:56 "i don't want to remember anymore!" *quietly brings forth my theory that when ranboo loses a canon life his memory gets wiped*

-53:13 "ive opened pandora's box" isn't the prison?? literally called pandora's VAULT??? so this m a y be a stretch but i'm thinking that maybe this could be taken in the literal sense that he "opened" the prison and let dream out (the sirens at the end of quackity's stream confirm that dream is indeed out)

-53:42 mans just straight up walked through a ghost i—

-55:37 so are we just gonna ignore the eleventh page of the book? "he's alive, but hopefully soon dream won't be"??? alright nevermind it's most likely bc when tommy came back he recruited ranboo in his plan to kill dream

-55:47 notice how he writes "what am i?" as opposed to "who am i?" no elaboration here idk what it could be

-56:08 just so it's clear for anyone who doesn't know- he's wearing armor at this point, and i'm like 90% sure that when he wears his armor water can't hurt him. and i saw someone say somewhere that like with splash potions when thrown it turns into a gas-like thing? so again, it didn't hurt him, he didn't get hurt. he said in the chill stream that he wasn't comfortable making it where his character had to hurt himself to do that. the thing that causes the enderwalk isn't pain, it's intense and sudden emotions like fear and stress. thank you for coming to my tedtalk.

[kishimoto-did-us-dirty]

Naruto Arts School AU

Reposting bc I love this post and bc I can lol

Character

- major

description

Naruto

-Drums

okie nobody can deny that our main boy over here is a loud soul, however, he can also carry a damn good beat that compliments his band mates’ music really well. Tbh, he sucked at music to begin with and had trouble matching rhythms and listening to his band mates when they played, however he eventually became a really good rhythm maker.

Sasuke

-Guitar (lead)

He’d be assigned to the same band as Naruto, and that’s how they met. This boy is a damn good guitarist y’all, but has attitude problems™, and used to not be able to deal with Naruto’s haphazard beat making, thus perpetuating a rivalry between the two. He constantly feels overshadowed by his elder brother Itachi, a piano major.

Sakura

- Dance

Ya girl fucking demolishes every single dance routine. Initially starting out with a focus on ballet (pre-shippuden in canon), our pink headed queen soon realized that she wasn’t getting the full experience of what it meant to dance. Her point shoes were her loves, however they hurt and nipped in places not just physical. She realized that she didn’t want to be pigeonholed into a genre of which she would be inhibited by standard, and rather to dance so as to forget technical perfection. Thus, what would partner with post-shippuden Sakura in canon, Art School AU Sakura got into hip-hop. And bitch, she goes hard. A lot of the other girls who she used to dance ballet with admire her for her absolutely BODYING her dance routines, but also for never sacrificing her femininity to dance and not taking BS for being a girl who goes so hard in a male-dominated genre. (Some people believe that hip-hop is heavy hitting and a little metaphorically “dark” so to speak, which Sakura is not. So obviously I expect a little disagreement regarding this, however if you look at people like Delaney Glazer or Kaycee Rice, that is how Sakura would dance).

Hinata

- Creative Writing

Shy and bookworm-like, Hinata can write the best poetry, romance and adventure pieces out of all the creative-writing majors. She’s especially good at writing character relationships and development, and has such a subtle sense of intelligent wit in her writing, that if you blinked you would miss it. However should you catch it, you’re sure to chuckle. Her only struggle is that she tends to drag on in important scenes, stretching them against the regular flow of the rest of her writing. Needs validation for her writing through an IV drip.

Kiba

- Drums OR Photography

Drums for obvious reasons (loud and obnoxious), although ruff boi looks good with a camera, too. Great at landscapes and street photography.

Shino

- Creative Writing OR Photography

I could definitely see Shino having fucking beautiful handwriting, and being a beast at writing anything within the sci-fi realm. I could also see him doing some journalism, and writing for the school paper. He’s very good at the logic of his sci-fi books and coming up with logical but enrapturing stories, that intermingle knowledge and mystery. He’s a very specific type of read, however, and may not appeal to all, however if you enjoy anything similar to Star Wars or Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, then Shino is your author. If this doesn’t float your boat, though, try photography-major Shino. He can get the best angles of bugs he sees, and has an extensive portfolio with entomology-related snapshots.

Ino

- Dance

Like Sakura, she, too, began with a focus on ballet, however began to branch out into contemporary ballet a little later than Sakura. This is another reason why Sakura switched her focuses, as she and Ino had always had a fierce rivalry for dieting (ballet dancers are pressured to be as thin as possible) as well as battling for technical perfection when they were ballet focused. As the two grew, Ino focused more so on contemporary, but can certainly do some hip-hop with Sakura every now and then, just as Sakura occasionally takes a contemporary class with her. The two still have a rivalry, however, just not to the previous extent as when they were actively competing against each other. They’re more like sisters.

Shikamaru

- Guitar (bass) OR Creative Writing OR Architecture

Smart boy’s a tricky one. He would either be a bassist, a mystery and historical fiction writer, or, of his school offers it, be great at architecture. Idrk.

Choji

- ermmmmm….. maybe graphic design? Tech theatre (props)? Vocal???

Choji is hARD dwnccnpc (that’s what she said). I could see him behind a computer screen, animating and designing games/covers/posters or whatever. He could also do something in theatre, but I don’t think he would do anything up on stage. Something like props would suit him. He might do something in music, tho???? Can he sing???? Help???

UPDATE: Choji is a band kid. He plays tuba or some shit. Big boy got big lungs.

Tenten

- Dance

Always has been, and always will be a hip-hop dancer. She wanted to be like Tsunade, a legendary dancer and followed in her footsteps, taking up hip-hop. (that’s why Sakura focused on hip-hop, too, because Tsunade mentored her and taught a few of her classes, too). Tenten is fast and can keep up with any beat. Not only is she a great dancer, but she’s also athletic, and does track and field (cross country), football, and softball at another school too, since the arts schools doesn’t offer it. Overall great dancer with styl. She’s really looked up to by some of her underclassmen for her cheery, but badass style and skill.

Lee

- DANCE (hip-hop, too)

It’s sweat. It’s burn. It’s energy. It’s Lee.

Neji

- Violin

First chair violinist in his freshman year for the school’s philharmonic orchestra. He be extra like that.

Gaara

- Guitar (bass)

He had a lonely childhood with neglectful/abusive parents, and rock music really helped him with that. Emo music is emo and often made fun of, but the songs have messages and Gaara related, so self-taught himself the bass guitar to help cope, and bring him closer to the music that salvaged him.

Kankuro

-Art

Specifically sculpting. For obvious reasons.

Temari

- Acting

Girl can make you cry with some of her monologues. Total lead. Has a seriousness in her acting that makes her believable, however can falter on the less-serious roles. She may also double-major in whatever Shikamaru does. And she’s better at it than him.

Itachi

-Piano

Boy could play any etude at age 7. Performed at Carnegie Hall when he was 10. And no, he didn’t pay to play there. The hall invited him. Began composing at 9. Has perfect pitch. Owns international awards. If he’s not at school it’s because he’s traveling to play for crowds. He excels at classical and baroque, however has an ear for romantic, and enjoys playing/composing pieces either written or inspired by romantic pieces. Enjoys Schumann, Debussy, and Tchaikovsky. Hates modern classical music, though. Can only take cinematic pieces composed by people like Williams, however can’t stand Prokofiev at all. He does like modern music, though, so long as it’s outside of the orchestral/classical music realm. He likes R&B. He would have liked to do film with Shisui, particularly producing, however his parents pressure him with piano, so he helps Shisui with student films and projects outside of school (will probably pursue film after graduating, tho).

Shisui

- FILM / VIDEO PRODUCTION

Fight me on this!!! THIS BOY IS SO GOOD AT CINEMATOGRAPHY MY FILMMAKING ASS CAN’T EVEN. AS SOMEONE WHO IS IN LOVE WITH FILMOGRAPHY, TRUST ME, SHISUI HAS IT™. THE IT™. HE’S GOOD AT EVERYTHING. CINEMATOGRAPHY. DIRECTING. SCREENWRITING. GRIP-WORK. EDITING. PRODUCING. HE’S SUCH A FILM NERD TOO, AND WATCHES OLD FILMS ALL THE TIME. HE’S JUST TOO GOOD AT IT. DOES STREET PHOTOGRAPHY TOO. HE’S OVERALL A GENIUS WITH CAMERAS. Does film with Itachi outside of school and teaches him, and the two are overall geniuses at filmography. They want to start their own studio together (they do, and it becomes huge). He becomes a leading director, while Itachi becomes a producer and directs sometimes too.

Sasori, Deidara, and Sai

Guess.

Kakashi

- Saxophone

It’s the only thing that suits him and it suits him so well. Has suave.

Obito (omfg his arms y'all)

- Not to say drums or anything, but…. drums.

Narutard 2.0. But he also dabbles in other areas of music. Like, he can also play guitar and sing. He’s also pretty good at music production. Makes R&B sometimes. He wasn’t always the best musician but proved to be a late bloomer, and really harnessed his potential. Tries to be as suave as Kakashi and his saxophone. He isn’t.

Hashirama

- Vocal

OkaYYYYYY. VOCAL GOD. CAN DO RIFFS AND RUNS AND HAS PERFECT PITCH. ALSO THE SWEETEST GUY??? WAS A CHAMBER SINGER AS A FRESHMAN. EVERYONE LOVES HIM, GOOD BOY ENERGY.

Likes to belt.

Madara

- Piano

Total prodigy, but hates classical music. Once was accompanist to Hashirama for a solo vocal performance and hasn’t been left alone since.

Tobirama

- Viola or Cello

Some sort of string instrument and takes it very seriously. Probably plays cello because violas are violas and that’s lame (if you know, you know). Has almost as many awards as Itachi and Madara, but hates his usual piano accompanist, Izuna.

Izuna

- Piano

Also a piano god. The uchihas breed them. Hates being accompanist for Tobirama. They’re secretly best friends though, don’t tell anyone.

Karin

- Tech Theatre.

Idk why. Probably started out with props and made her way up to TD (technical director) in senior year.

Suigetsu

- Tech Theatre

Fucking hates theatre kids. Assistant TD. Karin hates him.

Jugo

- Visual Art

Paints landscapes and nature. Really good with oils and gouache respectively.

Yamato

- lmao Trumpet.

Met Kakashi since they both play brass, but boy he ain’t got that suave. That’s why he plays trumpet. Lmao he plays the fucking trumpet anjdwcnojdnn.

Rin

- Vocal

Sweetest voice and could also play the acoustic guitar when she sang. Died in a car accident junior year. Kakashi was at the wheel when they got hit by a drunk driver. Obito saw the whole thing.

Kurenai

- Visual Art

Can create dream like paintings that almost seem like illusions.

Asuma

- Cello / guitar

Used to play cello because of his parents, but loves to play guitar. Can sing but his voice is raspy from smoking.

Gai

Who the fuck do you think teaches dance?

Jiraiya

- Guitar (lead)

Used to major in lead guitar. Sucked at first. Probably has a couple, casual Grammy Awards (they’re actually not that hard to be awarded with, The Recording Academy award many people outside of mainstream media. My school has a few). Now teachers as head of the Band department at this school.

Tsunade

-Dance

Legendary dancer. Probably toured with a few famous people. Now teaches. Mentored Sakura, and mentored Ino but for a shorter time.

Orochimaru

- Idk, didgeridoo, or some shit

Definitely a wood wind. Flute maybe??? Teaches now but no one knows what he does. Pedophile. Has a thing for Sasuke.

[1eos]

Okay but ur right for that tho!! Because Ik it’s a stereotype of like “teehee there goes the black kids with no dad” and it’s just like yea I have no dad so he has no business in my life and in actuality I’m getting my trauma from my mother ESPECIALLY in a big household it’s the worse because no matter what black daughters go through so much because we have to play mother, therapist for their mothers their siblings and themselves!! Black mothers do so much to either try to turn their daughters into themselves or turn their daughters as their live in therapist who isn’t allowed to comment back like how in the hell?? And then it worsens because since those fathers aren’t in the picture when those same daughters grow up and can finally voice their opinion on said trauma all of sudden it’s “oh I had to be dad and mom how could u hurt me like this I was trying my best because u didn’t have a father I did all by myself” like the guilt tripping is unreal

ALL OF THIS!!!!!! you bring up such a good point. the ‘strong single black mother’ archetype is actually a main reason why black moms get to instill so much trauma unchecked. bc of mistakes of your dad you’re supposed to forgive her for everything just bc she did it alone? nd its so fucked up bc sons get treated like princes (nd stand in husbands which does present its own set of problems when the son starts going into adulthood not to mention uhhhh very archaic views of women nd relationships so men dont get out unscathed) while daughters are therapists, maids, secretaries, AND prisoners all in one nd face a lot of guilt tripping. even if your mom or family don’t guilt trip you just growing up as a black woman u will eventually feel bad bc u can see exactly HOW your mom ended up how she did nd its unfair bc she’ll never extend that understanding to you. like ive been neuroatypical my whole life nd my mom still acts like im forgetting shit to undermine her authority when im just like this 😭😭😭 anyways mothers really are capable of doing so much emotional (nd physical) damage but bc all women are strong girl bosses we can’t talk abt our mother wounds bc its *checks phone* misogyny now!!! nd a lot of times when mothers are overbearing dads become the only person who has your back but god forbid you have a dad that’s not awful!!!!!

[tigerdrop]

okay kind of obsessed with the body swap art tho. idk why i just like benrey getting to bully gordon with his own body, his own voice, and i like gordon trying to navigate whatever weird shit benrey’s got going on. gordon not being able to figure out or control whatever organs in benrey’s throat produce sweet voice so it’s just spewing whatever emotions he’s feeling at random (including Horny? uh oh. can’t hide that as easily as a surprise boner can you gordon?)

this ask kicked me into actually thinking about it and your brain is so huge. massive. i lost control

last night i was struggling to articulate thoughts for the body swap thing but this is kickstarting me. i. really love bodyswap stuff........(sighing) i am yet again having to confront the fact that i latched onto an embarrassing number of Things after having first read about them in [REDACTED]. truly hate being alive

so like......potions. you can get into a whole lot of weird stuff with potions. truly loving that darnolds 5-minute existence gives me an excuse to think of the stupidest horny potions scenarios

and why in the fuck wouldnt he have a bodyswap potion just chillin in his lab. why wouldnt benrey crack that bad boy open and take a sip while darnolds bitching at him "dont you touch any of those goddamn potions. im not gonna tell you which ones which so if you die, you die"

gordon claps benrey on the back afterwards like "well, thats a risk im perfectly happy for him to take" but uh oh you fucking buffoon. the touch is what activates it. and shit just starts spinning and schlorping in his mind and he nearly falls over clutching the lab bench next to him and when he cracks his eyes back open, hes........shorter. and everybodys asking if somebodys okay but that somebody isnt him and hes kind of miffed about that

and then gordons head turns and he sees Himself being steadied on his feet by tommy and darnold and hes like.......guys? guys. hello! and the sound of benreys voice coming out of him with that irritated and loud timbre makes everybody turn to face him........b/c that is so insanely weird coming from him

im like way into the idea of benreys, like, Eye Darkness Thing transferring to gordons face when their bodies are swapped, too. its just his malevolent energies manifesting physically no matter what body hes in

Wait god wait. Like. Benrey in Gordon's body and he gets horny for some reason and has to live Gordon's fucking pained life of the suit edging the hell outta him- Bc now Gordon can actually fucking jerk off for the the first time in days. No edging bullshit from the hev suit

benreys newfound appreciation for why gordons such a bitch all the time

RRRRRRRRRRR gordon able to go wild beating his meat that night finally but right before he does he stops because hes looking down at. 8)!

YES EXACTLY....... gordon freeman humbled by the sight of benreys huge meat. except its his meat now 

at first he only feels mildly weird about jacking it when hes not even in his own body right now but hes been edged for days now and hes just thinking "if i can just get this out of the way now, ill be clear-headed for however fucking long im stuck in black mesa. maybe this is why ive been so goddamn stupid lately. yeah"

but then he gets some time and space to himself at long last and unzips and the shock of seeing benreys huge uncut dick instead of his own brings him back to reality like "?oh my god what the fuck am i doing"

embarrassment! guilt! but also hes still fuckin horny and eventually curiosity wins out. whats the harm, right. its not like he has to say anything about it. and gordon freeman is (mostly) heterosexual and hes never been this up close and personal with a foreskin before and hes just......curious. scientifically

maybe hes even.......locked himself inside one of the company restrooms while hes at it. just to make sure hes got privacy. and there is a mirror right there........  he was gonna just bust one out and leave as fast as he can but now hes curious

starts. thumbing the hem of his shirt under benreys vest. starts lifting it up experimentally just to see where all that hair leads. out of curiosity. and seeing the curve of benreys stomach peek out in the mirror makes him hiccup on sweet voice inadvertently 

weirdly enough theres a part of him thats both relieved and disappointed that hes never seen that color before

he never envisioned that seeing benrey like this would be a turn-on but like......with that vest and that helmet on he just looks like some kind of fuckin roundish rectangle shape. but now gordons intimately familiar with how his body feels to move around in......what hes gotta look like underneath all that armor and ill-fitting work clothes......and the hornier he gets the stupider he gets

takes off the helmet.......just to test the waters. if somebody manages to bust in, thats not so weird to explain. and hes surprised by the shock of black hair he finds under there. he doesnt know what he was expecting....but honestly, benrey looks, like, kind of nice like that. more like a person

im slightly obsessed with the idea of benrey just not even registering as a Real Guy, physically, to gordon, one that he could possibly be attracted to, until hes out of his work uniform.......like hes more of an icon of a person than anything up until that point. pure signifier. no substance

like......you know......the equivalent of how benreys HL model registers to 99% of people watching the series. sure, thats not necessarily anything youd register as "hot", most likely, but then u peel that away and its like........Oh

the model is the icon and the representation of the icon is the real

and gordon runs a hand thru benreys hair and tries out one of those shitty little smirks benrey likes to use on him and the effect is.......dizzying. is that him? is that what benrey really looks like to him?? he feels fuckin salacious doing this

he can even.........get his face up close to the mirror and really look at those teeth

run his tongue over them experimentally.......feel their sharp edges.......and, no, theyre not sharp like a knife, but they are definitely pointy. and surprisingly well-kept......hes never seen benrey brush his teeth before but clearly he must. theyre so smooth and slick under his fingertips

and then he flushes and drops his hand b/c hes getting some weird fucking thoughts right now........but looking back up at himself in the mirror and seeing benreys face all wide-eyed and red makes the issue worse

oh, you really like seeing him look like that, dont you. and gordons pissed b/c this isnt even his fucking brain but its still whispering the exact same neurotic, self-defeating shit at him that hes trying very hard to tamp down

and then he starts getting a little crazier. taking off the vest. he can explain that, no problem. its just kind of hot. heavy. he needed a breather! its normal. just in here to splash some water on his face and cool down, nothing wrong with that. but that just makes benreys shirt all the easier to access.......and he tugs the hem of it just a little higher and looks at himself in the mirror and runs a thumb over the curve of his stomach, where the hair is thickest, and he shivers

gordon freeman is deeply normal and would never get off to the sight of a guy with arms the size of his head tentatively dragging the hem of his shirt up, just for gordon to look at him closer

hands shaking from nerves as he decides to loosen his tie and start unbuttoning and he sees more and more hair-dusted skin and muscle and fat and a thin sheen of sweat reveal itself

> i could see gordon trying to tense and flex the muscles a bit just because hes normal

HE IS, AND HE WOULD

he doesnt know when "being horny b/c hes been pent up and edged for days and he just needs to get his rocks off real quick so he can be normal again" turned into "being horny b/c the way benrey looks under his uniform is scary good to him" but if he thinks about that too hard hes gonna have a panic attack

tells himself that its all just because he hasnt been able to get off. thats why hes thinking this shit. hell stop thinking it once he nuts

> hey this is a quick aside but yknwo how he talks to himself in third person sometimes? what if he does and then kinda does a mental double take at how his name sounds coming out of benreys mouth, with his voice. ok thats it goodbye

oh ym god thats making me go insane. doing it by accident and then.........saying it again. on purpose. just to hear benreys voice doing it

getting one knee hitched up onto the sink and leaning forward with his arm braced against the mirror and his forehead leaning on his arm and tugging benreys dick (no, idiot, thats your dick right now, stop thinking about it) and tentatively groaning out his own name and it comes out so hoarse and desperate that it punches him straight in the gut (too bad, hes thinking about it, he cant not think about it, not with the way he looks and sounds right now)

> remember in the series when benrey called him gordon one (1) time and he noticed immediately and was like..i think thats the first time youve called me by my name.

he looks so fucked out and slutty in that mirror that it almost makes him pass out

eyes darting like hes trying to commit every single detail of how he looks right now to memory (b/c he is. he fucking is. he wants to make benrey look like this so fucking bad. just for him. wreck him and get him flushed and sweaty and panting and moaning gordons name and jesus christ, okay, thats where his brains taking him. okay. cool)

hes dizzying himself thinking about it. he knows benreys hot for him by this point, theoretically. assuming his weird come-ons werent just jokes. benrey would probably let him do this to him. benrey would probably want him to touch his dick. gordon thinks about how good it might feel for his own hand to be on benreys dick and he cant get himself solidly into one headspace or another - hes gordon, hes benrey, he wants to touch, he wants to be touched, he wants to feel his own hand on this dick (and god, maybe he could. maybe he could ask. wouldnt that be crazy.)

benrey in gordons suit and gordons body and gordons face leaning over him, b/c fuck, he really is tall compared to benrey, hes figured that one out awful quick. and gordons (his) hand on his (benreys) dick and stroking him and leering down at him with those dark, dark eyes that dont even really look like his eyes, anymore, not with the way theyre shaded over, and hearing his (benreys) (his) voice moaning out his (gordons) (definitely gordons) name and all the little "pleases" and "thank yous" that he cant stop letting out b/c benreys voice was made for it, made to beg and whine and ask so nicely, and his heads spinning as he comes all over the fucking mirror and sink

> i wonder if this could be combine with the ideas that parts of the self or like mind is still a bit left behind if that makes sense, like with benrey also wanting this that part of the reason gordon wants to say those things

"do you want to fuck him or do you want to be him?" well my good bitch, perhaps you can have a little of both. welcome to my personal hell

hes never come so hard in his fucking life and the noise that rips out of him when he does, finally, after days of being jerked around (ha ha) makes his ears burn with shame

now if you really wanna go crazy. imagine that benreys up and walking around this whole time b/c being edged by his stupid broken suit is making it impossible for him to sleep, and he hears........all of this. stops and presses himself flat agains tthe wall to listen

he cant actually get into the bathroom to scare the shit out of gordon/offer to join in/etc, b/c this stupid flesh body of gordons cant even noclip, but he can press his ear to the door and. listen. and he can flush all the way down to his chest when he hears gordon in there, moaning out his own name with benreys voice

so thats what gordon wants him to do, huh. thats what hes thinking about.

poor benrey, tho. he gets to experience just a lick of the endless fucking suffering that gordon goes thru every single day just by being alive, and "the HEV suit trying and failing to suck him off to completion while his dick twitches against the hard metal of the interior every time gordon groans in there" is just one small part of it

anyway . see ya. my final message

[karaslluthor]

supercorp fanfic masterpost pt.2

this has been in my drafts for over a year so here ya go and hasn't been updated since then but if u haven't read these then ur welcome. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

its literally a big ass list jsyk and i did all the tumblr tags back then so idk if they are still the same users but hopefully lmao. 

original part 1 is here boysss

MULTI FICS

somewhere i have never travelled (http://archiveofourown.org/works/9268886/chapters/21008012)

kara and lena visit all different places lenas lived and then they find a home together and its super cute and fluffy I cry

Paranoia Incarnated - @justmickeyfornow

mickey is my fucking supercorp spiritual guider with the best fucking fic and ive read it about 322934 times and still is sooo good. Also the whole heartbeat thing KILLS me. SO MUCH ANGST but literally its worth the death u go through trust me

Transcendent Interactions 

Kara and lena share this bond thing from birth and can feel each others emotions and they finally meet and its so great like im actually fucking in love with this fic and kara gets herself off all the time thinking lena doesn’t know idk just read it u wont regret I stg

Closer and Closer (Until We Collide) - @hallow777 

Im a slut for bed sharing tropes and this is so CUTE like lenas all freaking out because she keeps waking up cuddling kara and alex is oblivious to everything and its just soooo good

So, This Happened?

Drunk kara leaves drunk alex for a more suitable cuddle buddy aka lena lesbian luthor and lena sleeps in a supergirl t shirt bc of course

Sojourn 

Holy mother of fuck as if this fic didn’t absolutely ruin my fucking life??? Lena has to go to London for a month so she invites kara to come with her and lena has a gay awakening and realises shes in love with kara and its SO FUCKING GOOD

just one wrong move (baby, baby)

lena is having karas baby from this alien tech accidentally! And lena is so loved and its so cute like honestly and obviously they fall in love bc duh

hold me, my dear (and don't let go)

kara is a professional cuddler and lena hires her services bc shes a sad touch starved young lady and deserves to have some hugs in her life hello fluff my old friend discovering the moon 

alex and lena brotp and holy fuck does it deliver!!!! Alex is like a wingwoman we all need and kara and lena just need to communicate tbh but AMAZING

Focus on Something You Love, and Breathe

Lex is a little shit as always and wants to kill lena bc he thinks shes in love with supergirl (which she is) so kara says she can stay with her and obviously the angst is juicy and ruined my life. So. Good. Read. It.

Offstage 

College theatre au but like literally one of the best college aus ive ever read!!!! Lenas just a big lesbian and karas confused and they bang secretly and its glorious

it's a boy!

lena takes in a super powered alien baby that falls from the sky and gets a weird neighbor in the form of kara danvers and theres not many chapters yet so im not sure whats happening with kara yet but im super excited for this!!!

Break My Fall 

Kara dates monel but kisses lena as supergirl and its angsty and smutty and all round a good fucking time

carefulness can be damned 

Post 3x7, literally smut with some plot need I say more??

A Foolish Wit - @seabiscuits-us​

if you haven’t read seabiscuits fics are you even a supercorp fan?? Lena needs a husband and Clark Danvers is positively charming and also actually disguised as a man, I mean.. quality content

In My Veins

im soooo excited for this fic because the lena/alex brotp is written so well!!! Basically lena and alex become really good friends bc they both deal with their issues by drinking obvs and kara thinks they are secretly dating and gets upset and im SO READY FOR THIS ANGST

Would You Catch Me If I Fall For You ('Cause I'm falling) 

This is absolutely amazing and so captivating and I was honestly on edge the whole time kudos to the author!!!!! Kara goes back in time to warn lena about her dying on the venture and lena falls in love with her but she disappears and then when real kara and lena meet, kara doesn’t remember knowing lena and ughsalkdhsla its so good.

We Need a New Song

Oh my good golly gosh this fic ruined my life. Ballet au that has barely any ballet and an abundance of GAY and I had to take a moment after reading this to collect myself tbh

and stick it into someone else's heart 

Rhea infected lenas boobs in a cage dress with some weird alien stuff and her and kara have to bang or THEY’LL DIE pretty much but they love each other

The Laws of Fate 

soulmate au where everyone has a red string and lenas points to the sky and shes confused af but it’s a gay slow burn and the angst is good for ur soul

My Sun 

Lena gets into a car accident and kara thinks she died but lex is a maniac and wants lenas help and fdjsaklfs it’s a rollercoaster let me tell you

Mercy on Me 

lena falls under black mercy and in order to bring her back karas has to break her poor little gay heart bc lena thinks her and kara are in looooove AWWW heart shatters

Be your own Hero 

Collection of supercorp one shots!!!!!! Quality content lemme tell yaaaa

pick a blossom and hold it to your breast (honey, you know that’s my love bursting loud from inside) 

kara and lena rely on their late night phone calls with each other and get the feels and go on a date and they are just cute adorable dorks that are nervous  

your voice is pretty, baby (but i’d rather have your pretty skin instead) 

part 2 of pick a blossom ^^^ still adorably cute and a smut chapter I mean come on, treat yoself

Firsts 

kara and lenas first told in the cutest wayyyyyyyy

Whispers 

lena works with lillian to save supergirl and its oh so angsty and kara always believes her girl bc that’s canon

My personal Santa in heels 

Kara loves Christmas almost as much as she loves lena, almost

Timer 

Soulmate AU where everyone can have a device installed to tell them the time until they meet their soulmate, kara and lena love each other but kara cant have a timer installed obvs kryptonian skin and its so cute and soft and angsty

The Fatal Flaw 

Super cool and different fic and keen to see more chapters from this!! Kara doesn’t have her powers (yet) and she meets lena at a party at college and then clark tells her shes actually an alien ooooo im keen

Stay the night 

Lena inherits the national city womens basketball team and star player kara danvers is a muscly babe and they try not to fall in love BUT ITS JUST TOO HARD BECAUSE THEY ARE SOULMATES also I love jack in this such a wingman

1865 

MATTTTTTTTEEEE lena is the daughter of the governor and shes a little rebel. She falls in love with kara but her family has arranged her marriage to monel BUT LIKE THEY JUST LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH btw they are aliens but like in 1865 so cool. Pls update I love this so much

All Our Bodies in the Grass - @seabiscuits-us​

fuckkkkk this fic honestly, amish au and lena knows nothing but kara is down to help her out while also sharing lovely girl mags ;)

B.F.F.W.E.B

Kara and lena are friends with benefits but feels get involveddddd, lenas a useless lesbian

All the little lies 

Kara comes to earth and falls in love with lena but she has to go back to krypton and breaks lenas heart in the process, but she comes back and its only been like 7 months but its been like 3 years for lena!!! (I cant remember exact dates don’t judge me)

half melted m&m's 

lena needs a fake wife to stay in the country so kara is ever so helpful and agrees to be her wife, oh I do love a fake wife trope and this delivers!!!!

The Wrong Superhero 

Lena gets saved by batwoman and supergirl thinks she is super jealous because of superhero-related reasons but shes just in love with lena

We'll Take on the World 

College au, just useless fools in love that need to communicate and make out more

And they call me from beyond the stars 

Omg I LOVE THIS FIC SO MUCH ok so kara is a ghost (still from krypton and stuff) but no one can see her except lena so lena works on trying to get her back into the physical plane of existence so she can find alex but they FIND LOVE WITH ONE ANOTHER oh my god so angsty let me tell ya be warned

Wait for me to come home 

https://lostariels.tumblr.com/

idk where to even start on this fic honestly, im pretty sure most people have read this bc it’s a rite of passage but fuck it gets me everytime!!!! Army au and there is so much angst and I love it

An Unexpected Surprise 

supercorp baby au!!! Kara and lena bang and kara ends up preggers. Iconic  

Days in a Lifetime 

Kara and lena grow up together, massive slowburn but worth the wait!!!!! ACTUALLY GO AND READ ALL OF STENS BECAUSE I JUST REALISED HOW MANY I PUT IN HERE AND THEY ARE ALL FUCKING GREAT

Do you wanna (like you know I do) - @seabiscuits-us​

another seabiscuit, I couldn’t not put this in!!! CAPE COD and sharing of bunk beds!!! Pls update this my soul is withering away

Purple and Black are my Favorite Colours 

Kara gets in contact with kryptonite that makes her gp! And her and lena b a n g    

ONE SHOTS

danishes and other sweet treats 

oh my fuck this is so cute and its like a long one shot so I mean get on it because kara and lena go to a conference and share a hotel room need I say more  

Sun Kissed 

Kara takes lena on a roadtrip to the science museum for her birthday and my good golly gosh its so cute I could ascend to heaven

Only Human 

A one shot with two chapters in different POV but lenas jealous of monel and then supercorp bang and its all angsty and lena protects kara and tbh they need to communicate but happy endings and love all round

The Right Thing 

Lena freaks out because lex knows her and supergirl are dating and does the most dramatic thing (of course) by distancing herself from kara and did I say angst???/ also I cried multiple times in this

funny how the stars crossed right 

Kara and lena keep meeting at parties and have super dorky costumes and fall in love (literally love anything written by you btw, im going to go ahead and say I would have all yours bookmarked so everyone just check them ALL out)

Accidental Text

kara accidentally sends a love confession to lena and its short and cute!      

Unspoken Promises

supergirl and reign battle and lena finds out about kara being supergirl and supercorp are just obliviously in love

Green (Kara loves it and hates it in equal measure)

Im a sucker for a jealous trope and boy does this deliverrrr. Karas hella jealous of lena having other friends but realises its because shes super in love with her

Crush

Karas jealous because lena is flirting with supergirl but lena knows kara is supergirl so shes actually flirting with kara, nice!

My Donuts

Karas really jealous of sam and lena spending heaps of time together and then kara walks in on them having donuts and she fucking loses it because its their thing duh.

when we get there 

Lena invites kara to her beach house to chill and they obvs fall in love because they are cute af

Have a Break 

Lena is determined to work out how to use a vending machine to get kara her candy and kara and winn are watching it all unfold via cameras in catco, basically lena vs. the machine (himym singing voice)

Self doubt and comforting talks 

Drunk kara, comforting lena fluff and adorableness

Shopping carts and a beautiful girl 

Kara crashes into lenas car in a shopping cart and they go on a date and its SO CUTE

Distractions 

lenas oblivious to kara being supergirl even though kara slips up all the time!!! #nicehalloweencostumekara

Lip Bites & Long Gazes 

lenas a big gay flirt and kara gets frustrated and flustered and calls her out and they make out

Off the Record 

kara spots lena at a gay club and they dance and make out *lizzie mcguire voice this is what dreams are made of*

Not so secret 

the superfriends take a weekend away and kara and lena bang pretty much smut but its cute

come be my lover, be my getaway car 

How many amazing tropes can you fit into one fic (aka the fic that made me lose my fucking mind oh my god its so good, had it include)

A one time thing

Kara and lena end up banging in a motel and kara has an internal meltdown its great

This is Home 

Listen here, this is the most adorable thing my two eyes have ever witnessed. Lena doesn’t really have a home kara the sweet soul she assists her in finding a home with her (aka its kara, kara is her home get it)

Her Biggest Fan 

lena is apart of the supergirl fandom, aka shes me

Drunk Puppy

kara being a drunk gay mess wanting to hunt seashells with lena

Act Natural

kara and lena have hickies and try to hide them on a beach trip with the gang  

Like a date, date 

kara asks lena on a date and lena has a gay panic attack pretty much

Datable 

everyone thinks kara and lena are dating so they just start dating? Amazing

Stop following me, creep 

Please clarify 

Lena tries to tell kara she loves her and wants to date but karas an alien and just doesn’t get it, so cuteeeee

Fate is Written in the Ink (part 1) 

Fate is Written in the Ink (part 2)

Soulmate au!!!! Any ink on your skin appears on your soulmates and omg its so cute like kara draws all this art on herself and lena gets to see it too!!!!!

Muddle my heart (then add a dash of lime) 

Kara keeps going to the bar because punk/bartender Lena is a babe and she has a big lesbian crush on her

be hopeful, don't get broken (stay caught up in the moment) 

angsty dog au and I mean PUPPIEs and SUPERCORP need I say more?

The makings of a family 

Clark is the one who arrives after being stuck in the phantom zone and kara has to look after him and lena helps her out and wow new baby for supercorp

Let Your Guard Down 

Lena in a DEO uniform sparring with kara and its so angsty because lenas mad at kara for not telling her the supergirl secret and then they bang and did I already mention lena in a DEO uniform???  

Do you not like the service here?

Thirsty kara and waitress lena, lenas jealous of alex l o l

here is where time is on our side (part 1) 

our corner of the universe (part 2) 

long oneshot but fuck me its so good. Post daxamite invasion/mon-el coming back and both are healing from everything and go on a roadtrip just wherever the map takes them and oh my fuck its so cute and everything u want in a fic. Part two is the follow up

The Uncanny Valley 

cadmus replaces real lena with a robot version and kara didn’t know but then kara finds lena and its cute  

put these battered bones to rest 

soulmate au (you should know by now im a sucker for a good soulmate au), lena has a foreign name on her hip (its kara btw)

pain

another soulmate au hhehehe soulmates feel each others pain obvs both these babies have a lot of paiiiiiin in their lives

Love is Garbage 

Literally a garbage truck au, im not even going to say more

i know you're out there somewhere waiting (i know the stars can hear us praying) 

Whats this??? Another soulmate au!!! Classic lover one arm, enemy on the other, honestly lena deserves more and just waits for kara to love her and I love this fic, also they help sam!!  

Monster in the Mirror 

Supercorp reveal in the middle of the lena/edge poisoning children episode oooooooh so angsty but happy love ending

Safety 

Supercorp first ever sleepover!!! This is so cute stop

Please Clarify 

Lena tries to ask kara out in every single way possible and kara is an oblivious alien

love is a flower, you gotta let it grow 

Unrequited love makes u grow flower petals in your lungs but when ur love is returned it clears up, this was dope and I love ur work

where our hands hurt from healing - @seabiscuits-us​

its seabiscuit do I need to say more?????? I will tho. Alex and lena match on tinder and become besties and I live for alex/lena brotp so….

blessed be (the mystery of love) - @seabiscuits-us​ 

*dj Khaled voice* ANOTHER ONE, look I love every single fic this one does not disappoint and nothing like a good light hearted first date fisting hahahahahaha

The Luthor and the Super That Saved the World 

Fit it fic for the season three finale where there is more supercorp and less shit writing, LOVE STENS WORK

Kara Danvers and the Brown Belt of Lesbianism 

Karas gay brown belt that she always wears that makes her look like a big ol lesbian drives lena mental bc she so gay

SIN

ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING BY JAZZFORDSHIRE IM NOT FUCKING JOKING LET YOURSELF FALL INTO THIS SMUTFEST AND LIVE UR BEST FUCKING LIFE AND IF YOU HAVENT READ THE CAMPING AU UR NOT EVEN A SUPERCORP STAN

Pleasure 

like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry 

What Happens in the K Room Doesn't Stay in the K Room 

green-eyed monster

Kara shows Lena what makes her Super 

Supergirl, Kara, and a Luthor walk into a bar... 

Late Night Heroics 

Good Vibrations 

Two Lena Luthors and a blonde walk into a bedroom... 

Her perfect match 

Girls' Night 

Happy Halloween, Supergirl 

What She Wants 

make the rules then break them 

an animal within an animal 

THE WILDEST THING IVE EVER READ, STRAP THE FUCK IN (youll understand my pun when you’ve read it)