#i can feel myself wanting to gatekeep and thats not good

[badger-bear]

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[skunkes]

How do you feel about Dungeon Meshi (i think i spelt that right) getting more popular? I feel like i’ve only seen u post about it but now its popping up a lot more on my twt / tiktok

Mixed feelings! Glad it has an anime now and that ppl are enjoying it, because its really good!

I myself think its annoying when ppl are like "im gatekeeping x media bc its important to me 😡" so thats not how I feel on the other end. It has impacted lots of ppl so if it can get a bigger reach and impact more, thats good. ^_^

if i did not have the time or energy or resources to read it, I would've hated feeling alienated just bc it became a favorite media of mine after the anime came out

Its more like. Idk.

I know ppl who hope it gets Bigger for more official merch but I just don't want it to get Embarrassing ykwim.

I need it to not get so popular that in a few years I'm hiding the volumes from my shelf because its an embarrassing, beat to death thing thats present in every store, backpack, socks, sweater that looks like characters clothing, funko pops, etc. something i cant even enjoy anymore bc its been wrung dry and overexposed and misinterpreted, "of course u like it EVERYONE likes it!" and now I'm tired of it, and wouldn't want ppl to associate me with it LOL 🧿🧿🧿

[pluralcultureis]

Plural culture is I just dont get it...why do endos want to be this? and why do people think others want or are faking all of this? Plural culture is I cant LIKE anything anymore. Plural culture is even if im ACTIVLY TRYING to not split and to ignore it all and just keep on keeping on and pretend my system isnt there I STILL split. I cant sit down and enjoy my day because my brain will take SOMETHING, ANYTHING, NOT EVEN A PERSON SOMETIMES and if I got enjoyment or even suffering out of it then its just THERE now and a part of me is missing. Plural culture is missing parts of yourself, loosing a skill or talent you loved that shaped who you were, forgetting the faces and voices of your loves ones, getting your memories rewriten for you, blinking and missing days or sometimes years. And thats just MY experience as host! Others in my system having to live their lives in the backseat, never being able to have one of their own or feeling like their hole point of existence is to make me happy or make sure we dont die. Sometimes I see how tired and drained the protectors are, how strung out the care takers are, the gatekeepers putting on a brave face for the good of the system to make us feel like maybe at least ONE of us has SOME kind of control only to find out that even they dont know everything or have control over it all. I see alters who are dating in our system wish and beg for a body just so they can hold hands like normal. Or others still who have had relationships outside the system wish they had a body independent of this one to go and be with who they want and do whatever they want. Its NOT all suffering and disorder yes of course and thats so very valid but like...even the most well adjusted systems deal with flashbacks, triggers, panic attacks I mean for fuck sake its not just some fun game or even a coping skill! Id RATHER NOT split or disassociate to be able to cope! Honestly id MUCH RATHER do things myself then switch but unfortunately I simply CANT no matter how much I want to! I HATE how low our split tolerance is because SPLITTING ISNT FUCKING FUN even when its painless! Even when its so subtle you dont notice! Because you loose something, a memory, your feelings, your sense of self gets rocked off its balance and honestly sometimes not knowing a split happed is WORSE cause youll just randomly start feeling like your not you anymore with no explanation as to why! Its so frustrating to see a bunch of people emulate the "fun parts" of my disorder and then when I get RIGHTFULY upset and say "hey its not like that it actually kinda sucks" they turn around and emotionally manipulate a group of people who are NUTORIOUS for not being believed by saying "Well because no one believes you then you should believe me because everyone has a different brain so actually I say that you dont need to be traumatized and have any of the bad shit your talking about and I get to have all the cool parts of it and your trying to oppress me by not letting me in your spaces" like???? Okay, so sorry for the rant and talking about endos and systemcorse and all. Sometimes it just all seems so ridiculous to me. When I see people say "real systems arnt hurt by people faking DID" and like??? no??? dont fucking speak for me???? Like yes stop fakeclaiming but like no dont say endos arnt "real systems problem" like I guess in practice sure but no and also BIG NO cause enods directly HAVE caused me problems so no, fuck that.

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[vorpalfae]

coffindollie copied your intro post

" copied this copied that "

i've gotten so many messages accusing ppl of "copying" me. or accusing me of "copying" others.

literally just let ppl do why makes them happy. if it looks similar to mine then who cares??? i think its cool that they like similar things as me. thats why i follow her. im not here to dictate what ppl can and can't like or can and can't post on their OWN blog. if it makes her happy then thats fine!!

idk if u genuinely were trying to warn me with good intentions or ur just trying to cause drama, but just know:

i do not care. i do not care what other ppl do online, i do not care what ppl do with their lives or how they choose to dress, portay themselves, etc. i do not care if they have a similar aesthetic or vibes as me. i LOVE meeting ppl who i have stuff in common with💜

i'm going to be 26 years old in a matter of days and i don't have the time, energy or desire to put others down or make them feel bad because they like my aesthetic or like the same aesthetic as me. its just childish. everyone takes inspiration from everyone. its very, very hard to find anything that is 100% unique and hasn't been done before. its 2023. what is the point of accusing ppl and being mean just because they like something that you also like? when u could literally just be friends with them and have a community where u can share ideas and bond over interests. i love @coffindollie and her blog. i love all her edits and her overall aesthetic. i love that we post a lot of the same stuff. i share her posts all the time because i like them.

just be nice to ppl. let them do what they want. the accusations and drama are so unnecessary and ugly and i don't want any part in it. i've had more than my fair share of having to deal with bullies and ppl just wanting to be cruel to others and i don't care about that shit anymore.

unless someone blatantly plagiarized my art, like my crochet, or my writing, or original artwork, then i don't care. and edits don't count as original artwork. because if we are being honest, 99% of the posts and edits ppl make on tumblr are NOT made with their own original photos and artwork. ppl post stuff from pinterest, google, deviant art, web archives, ebay, etc. and i like that. i love that tumblr allows ppl to share things they've found and give others the opportunity to make pretty edits or share them again on their own blogs. if i like something then i post it. nothing i post is with the intention of wanting to be like anybody else. it just means i genuinely LIKE that thing. and im almost positive that anybody doing something similar as me is doing it because they LIKE it. not to "copy" me.

thats just a weird, negative, and creepy way of thinking. ive seen plenty of stuff that looks almost identical to what ive done. and when i was younger and immature, it USED to bother me. but now i know its because i inspire ppl, or i may have introduced someone to something, or because i have good taste in a lot of things! its actually a compliment! if someone does the same thing you do its because what ur doing is obviously appealing to them in some way, or they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

trigger warning for this next part:

sorry for the rant, but im just so over it. im tired of ppl trying to start drama with ppl they don't even know. or trying to bring me into drama. i don't hate anybody or have issues with anyone. it makes me have so much anxiety when ppl are unnecessarily mean. i myself have been a victim of bullying to the point of harming myself or attempting suicide. its not okay. and i still don't understand why ppl are fine with making others feel bad about themselves.

im just here to post what interests me and what makes me happy. im not by any means a gatekeeper of my style or my interests. if u love the same stuff as me then lets be friends💜🖤 i would love to meet u and discuss our interests together 🥰

[transmascore]

hiyo

i wanted to ask if you have any advice for overcoming the thought that i cant be a gay trans man because "what makes gay men gay is the fact that they only like dick and not female parts"

(im sorry if thats rather graphic but this is literally the thing stopping me from acceoting myself or transitioning socially or physically)

Something to keep in mind is that orientation is people-based. The reason gay men date other men is because they're attracted to men themselves - the way they present outwardly, the way they speak, the way they wear their hair. Genitals aren't the only or even the main part of the equation (although they can factor in). There's every other aspect about a person to consider.

I'm T4T (trans for trans) so my attraction to men is framed by that lens. I find I'm attracted to patchy facial hair and androgynous voices - things that signal transmasculinity to me. And, for me, it's because I know I will have things in common with these men. We have shared community, shared experiences. I know I can open up to another trans man and that he will understand me. And, aside from that, I do legitimately feel a strong sense of desire and romantic love when I encounter other trans men. It isn't just safety, but a genuine want to be with them.

And gay men, regardless of AGAB, feel pretty much the same way across the board. It's attraction to little details here and there, as well as the entire person, and it's also that sense of relating to one another on the basis of queerness. Knowing that you can be yourself around this person.

Now, sure, men looking for a quick hookup on Grindr aren't in the same headspace as someone looking for an actual relationship. So it's important to keep that in mind. People on hookup apps tend to be rude or chasers (a cis person that fetishizes trans people). But there are also genuine men you'll encounter (regardless of AGAB) that are totally cool with hooking up with a trans guy and aren't weird about it. Everybody's different.

And while some sections of the gay male community can come across as very phallocentric, we (transmascs) have been in those spaces the entire time.

I'll share some gay trans men now.

Billy Lane, who in 1998, WON the Mr. Leather competition:

Lou Sullivan, an activist and author who fought for gay trans men to be recognized by the medical field so we could receive gender affirming care:

Rupert Raj (pansexual rather than gay), who did so many things it's easier for me to just show you than to recap.

Dr. James Berry, an extremely talented surgeon who fought in two wars, was a duelist, and slept with men.

We have always been here, we will always be here, and we are here right now! Even though a lot of our history has been overshadowed and lost to time. 

Also, something I tell every transmasc, especially gay transmascs, is this: When we first come out, first realize who we are, we feel very vulnerable. We want to be seen as people. We want to be validated and comforted. Like Pinnochio, we want someone to tell us "you're a real boy." And, often times, trans men will seek out that validation from cis men, because they view them as some higher authority - a gatekeeper of masculinity that will confirm your identity and metaphorically hand you a Man Card. And a lot of trans men get hurt, have their hearts broken, because they're putting all of their stock into this.

But I'm here to deliver you good news: Transness stands on its own, it doesn't require cis men to prop up the pillars. You are just as much of a man as cis guys are, and their opinion of you is irrelevant. It may not sound true right now - we all go through this initial stage, especially if our dysphoria is bad. But you'll get through it - and once you make it out the other side it is incredible. To expedite the process, best thing you can do is surround yourself with trans art and videos and books and friends.

The other thing, too, is that fear of not being loved. Society can have us believe cruel things about ourselves. That we, transmascs, are not worthy of love. That we're somehow inferior. And that just isn't true - there so many happy, partnered trans men out there. Many of them married! Many of them polyamorous with multiple partners! Many of them who have started families, are fathers!

Don't delay your transition - or call off your transition entirely - because you are afraid of what a future partner might think. People date each other for a reason: because they love each other. You want to find someone who will love you for you, unconditionally. And those people ARE out there. A real partner will be supportive of your endeavors, will be happy to see you comfortable in your own skin. Take care of yourself first, and the rest will come. The pieces will fall into place.

In the meantime, to be kind to yourself. Know that you are enough. Know that you are loveable. Know that you are desirable. Know that you have a future. Know that you don't need permission from anyone to be who you are. And know that you belong! Know that you're gay and you're a man and you're trans and that none of these things contradict one another. They weave together like beautiful threads to form the person that is you. And that there are many people like you - always have been. And if anyone is an asshole about it, ignore them. 

[capegloam]

Genuine question

You said that your tattoos are meant to show your metamorphosis. I just don’t get it. people get top surgery in order to have a flat chest, the scars are just a side effect. I just don’t understand why to emphasize the scars of an operation, that you haven’t been through. You’ve also said that there’s many ways to be a man, but that still doesn’t explain your “fixation” with transmasc bodies.

Like… you’ve been flat to begin with, top scars aren’t YOUR metamorphosis

Not trying to be rude. You do you, I’m just trying to understand because I’m confused even though I’m nonbinary myself

Gatekeeping trans symbology ("top scars aren't YOUR metamorphosis") is EXTREMELY rude. you can't dictate the way a trans person wants to be trans. If you try to do that, thats a gross overreach of bodily autonomy. Thats transphobia in action, babey. Trans liberation means anyone can do anything they want in regards to their gender expression. You don't come off as any less rude when you say that you're not trying to be.

I'm not even fixated on transmasc bodies. My tattoo has nothing to do with how i feel about other bodies. Its about how i feel about MINE. I wanted some sort of symbol to acknowledge my personal growth and self-acceptance, and I have a lot of complicated feeling about my natural chest—its easily the most dysphoric area of my body for me. Top scars are the result of defeating chest dysphoria for a lot of nonbinary people. I wanted to defeat mine too.

To assert that I do not deserve to partake in a symbol that DIRECTLY relates to my feelings about my body as a nonbinary person—is so incredibly, hypocritically against trans liberation, freedom, and bodily autonomy.

Trans people do things to their bodies to make themselves feel good. If you see a trans person doing something weird for gender reasons, BELIEVE THEM! TRUST THEM! SUPPORT THEM! its really not that hard to be a good member of this community.

[summerlycoris]

Okay so I'm putting this here because Dad really fucking pissed me off today and If I don't write something I'll just-

So I was helping him to put in a veranda and ramp on the front of my house today. Work projects with Dad would be difficult, but not misery, if he could just. Fucking. Not be a dick for 5 seconds.

Unfortunately my dad has "must be a dick every 5 seconds " disease so that's never fucking happening lmao lol roflmao.

Anyway. He was ragging out my brothers girlfriend Rochelle. And yeah. She's got problems. Neither of us can see the relationship lasting. (Rochelle's nice, but not to brodie. She let's her anxiety get the best of her, and constantly embarrasses him in front of their friends making out of line jokes, and emotionally abusing him.)

Dad thinks the reason they're not going to last is that Rochelle is on disability and is "a leech" "She's going nowhere." He used himself (hes not fucking diagnosed. And normally im all for self diagnosis. But not for this cuntwad. I WILL gatekeep from my damn dad because fuck him thats why.) me and my brother as examples of disabled people who don't need help.

And that ticked me off. Because I do need help. I just don't get help. Brodie needs help too. He just can't get it. Hell, maybe if dad had help as a kid he wouldn't have been such a bastard when we were kids. (He's fucked up 2/3 kids. Bad odds when your a parent. And he's still got plenty of time to fuck up the 3rd kid! SHES ONLY 4 YEARS OLD.)

I can't remember exactly, but I try to tell him that my life wasn't great and that I could've used some help. He asks how my life sucked so bad.

And I'm just fucking gobsmacked. Mum did this too recently- despite literally being the one to say that she thought I was gonna off myself at 11 years old years ago. Do these two not have any fucking memories?

I told him I'd been bullied all through school. (Couldn't exactly tell him he'd treated me like dirt whenever he was home) and he was like "well you're living a better life than your bullies. I bet they don't own a house."

I got so fucking angry. And I couldn't explain it at the time. But I can now- it doesn't matter what YOU think. Or what Mum thinks. Or what the fucking goldfish think. You don't live my life! And my opinions the one that matters, because im the one living that life. And I think my life's kinda shit!

I can't make friends. Not because I'm necessarily bad at talking to people (I can mask better now than I ever could as a kid) but because I just can't feel the same way about talking to people as I could as a kid. Like this may not make any sense- but when I was a kid before everything? I liked talking to people. It wasn't a chore. I didn't have to overanalise everything. But now it is. I quickly finish up talking to people thinking something like "Thank god that's over" or "Thank god that didn't go badly" and it's so. Fucking. Tiring.

So I'm gonna be alone forever. Not because of some incel bullshit. But just because I literally can't do it. I just can't fucking do it right. I can't go back to being 8 and being excited to meet someone new. I can't even go back to being 19 and bring willing to try making friends.

I'm 28. And I've spent most of my life being lonely.

And he's like- you've got the autism support group- but we meet once a month and I sometimes can't even MAKE it due to work and there's acquaintances. I don't even know most of their NAMES.

And it all just sent me into a tailspin honestly. Like the day was okay until he decided to be himself and trod over some exposed nerves. Then run his fucking jeep over them for good measure.

He's like "your like van goth" and I'm like "he killed himself" and he says "but you won't do rhat" and honestly dad? There's still fucking time. Better 17 years late than never huh????

Fuck, I needed to get that off my chest. I can't stand him. I really can't. But I kinda have to because I want to still know mum and nikara.

It's just amazing how he can just. Always find a way to ruin my day. Today was supposed to be good. It's autism group meet up night. I'm supposed to take Rochelle and one of brodies friends there. But I think if I go tonight I'll just be a miseryguts and cry everywhere. And I've got a surprise work shift tomorrow from 7-3pm. And then my fucking On Week at work. Despite not really having much time off from it and work doing a number on me even during my fucking off week this week. It's just not worth going oh my fucking God I hate this.

[hitsuyou-fukaketsu]

izumi for the ask game :] or if someone has happened to beat me to the punch leo!!!

Izumiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Fav thing about them

Aesthetic personality his ego his loser way of living how he keeps failing as a model but he doesn't give up because it's his dream, he's caring and nice in the meanest way bc he feels vulnerable if people see him that way. He wants to be someone that his juniors can rely on but he keeps loosing in every way so it's hard for him he's still trying and and everything honestly he is weirdly possesive that's hot too.

Lest fav thing about them

Not that i hate it but it keeps me concerned. He needs someone he can take care of or he will die like. At first it was leo but then it was makoto and if it wasnt makoto he just finds some other random boy to give his good action of the day and it comes off as creepy to others bc its so random. Everyday he clenches his fist praying for tsukasa to stop growing and stay a cute kid. And like it keeps me thinking sometimes

Fav line

Theres this. Dialogue in canary. It's very dear to me.

It's an answer to this previous dialogue of leo

There's also a lot of other quotes bit i feel like this one isnt talked about as much

Brotp

Knights!! Tennis club! And makoto <3

Otp

Izuleo obvs

Notp

Literally everything else other than izuleo im gatekeeping them together

Random headcanon

Sena hates most of his colleagues in the model agencies in florence and arrives home incredibly moody <\3

Unpopular opinion

Makoto and izumi's relationship isnt that problematic honestly they have talked about it and makoto has always said that he has a lot of respect and admiration to izumi, he just wants to stand equal to izumi but izumi believes makoto has already surpassed him, he's high ego is just a facade... Anyway i love them

Song i associate with them

Favourite picture of them

Every new pic of sena is a new fave pic of sena

Baby sena is so dear to me he is so cute <3 he really wanted to be pretty, his messy makeup is so cute, he really tried <3

Leooioiiooo

Fav thing about them

He's a shrimp he can be tsuntsun sometimes he gets frustrated easily and he's like '.........' every time genuine love and care is thrown at him

Lest fav thing about them

The way he acts in ! Just gives me the ick. It's just so. He's going through the horrors even after he comes back like people just just dont see it and i dont get it this boy gets woobified a lot but he's also a shrimp too so i dont mind it that much

Fav line

You got me here... Nothing rly comes to mind

There's checkmate's monologue but thats everyone's answer

Can i say whenever he is sassy with makoto? I think that it's rly funny

Brotp

Knights! Keito and mama <3 hearts to them

Otp

Same as above

Notp

Same as above

Random headcanon

He can sleep inmediately after a cup of coffee

Unpopular opinion

I think he's more serious than some people make him out to be 😭😭😭

Song i associate with them

I couldn't find a translation so i did it myself

Favourite picture of them

This is everything to me

[earhartsease]

my best friend was diagnosed with DID and she always rants about the misinformed people who say stupid and downright offensive things about her. she was even told her final goal of full integration was her literally murdering her alters - can you imagine? she was told her ultimate trauma recovery goal was her murdering her alters. she said she doesn't want to be functional, she wants to be thriving. I feel like encouraging separation is just contributing towards dysfunction.

people often mix up schizophrenia and DID but I feel like at least with my illness, although we aren't sure what causes it, there's a well established way of treating it, whereas with DID the field has been so warped by qanon believers, we can't even decide on one good way to treat DID. and thats if you'll even find people who believe it's real. it boggles the mind.

I'm in no way presenting myself as an expert, but my impression is that resolution for people with DID/OSDD is very different from person to person - and even "integration" means very different things to different people

and the DID/OSDD community online can be pretty toxic in some ways - there's a lot of policing and gatekeeping (probably because people living with this kind of relative internal chaos want Certainties™) - but ultimately each system needs to find their way towards some kind of workable harmony, whether "integration" for them means you only end up with one personality at the end, as your friend wishes, or means becoming some kind of harmonious community where your people support each other's growth and healing, or many many other models for different systems

that's one of the things that makes it so hard to talk to singletons about our experiences - there's so much diversity, and you're trying to explain something that's entirely outside the listener's experience, so all they have to go on is the oversimplified, pathologised, dramatised versions of systems that the media feeds them - and then say "but that's literally only this system's experience, and other systems we know are wildly different from both us and each other" kind of just like people in general

even for me/us it took a decade of experiencing our system before we even realised that might be what was going on - partly because there was so little spoken about it for so many years, and partly because what little we did come across more recently was very black & white and reductive and didn't fit our personal experience closely enough to feel like "oh this is what is going on" - and we still experience impostor syndrome about it, and indications are that a vast majority of systems also experience impostor syndrome because our experiences don't Exactly Match the sort of Official Default Experience that's often touted by the media and by some systems too (surprisingly similar to being trans tbh)

[egg-emperor]

My dude, its not that your content is boring, or you are a bad writer, or that people hate you. Quite the contrary, you are incredibly creative and passionate and that is always a delight to see. The thing is you are on a dying website on a fandom that tends to be the butt of jokes (so most people dont want to be associated with it) and you write about one of the last popular characters there. Its a niche community, thats why your posts dont reach a big audience. (1/2)

I can't help but feel that way lately ever since my instrusive thoughts came back bad the worst they've ever been and it feels like everyone is proving all the horrible things my mind is telling me about myself and my work to be true. It just seems like people don't really care about what I have to offer anymore, like I can't entertain anymore so now I'm worthless. The idea that my creations that make me happy makes others happy too is one of the only things that kept me going and motivated to share more but it feels like it's dwindling. I appreciate you and everyone else that has been supporting me and I'm glad you still enjoy my content. I don't want to seem ungrateful but my mind is being nasty to me and seeing how a lot of people seem to be losing interest across all three of my blogs more than ever is getting me down even more.

It's a shame that the site is dying when Twitter is garbage that kills the passion and creativity of many. Yeah that might be a part of it but I definitely have a more active follower base than it seems most of the time. I notice this when a bunch of people following me only like/rb/interact with stuff I reblog and clearly scroll past my self made posts in between. And yeah Eggman isn't that popular, especially not modern/game canon. But I'm even starting to feel like an outcast to the Eggman fandom space here (despite being here before most since 2015 when there were barely any Eggman posting blogs. I was the one accused of gatekeeping for not liking jimbotnik but I'm the one feeling pushed out and alienated now lol) because I don't like the movie and I'm not big on the popular romantic ships, headcanons, and fanon interpretations now. It just feels like everything I do is wrong and what I have to offer is never good enough, or the interest doesn't last because I don't do all the new things that are considered cool now.

Undoubtedly part of it is also that I write more. But fuck man, art is hard and even harder when you have to digitalize it on a phone. It's become more stressful than fun so I can't do it a lot. I just wish that fandoms didn't always make creators feel like writing doesn't matter and isn't as good as art. I've seen people entirely disregard writing and automatically assume it to be trash just because it isn't art. And a lot of people don't tend to support writing like they do with art, even if they do like it. But I wish people understood that creators need at least some support if they want them to keep creating, otherwise they won't think it's worth it or anyone cares. We're not mindless content machines to pump out content and entertain until people get bored of us. Both art and writing takes time, passion, and effort and a bit of support goes a long way but sometimes you get nothing but silence and it can be more crushing than hate at times, left to wonder if your creations were even worth your time to create or anyone else's to consume.

But aside from that, what also gets me down is that I do actually see people supporting other's writing and encourage more from them but I don't get any of that type of support, feedback, or criticism from those very same people when it comes to mine, despite them being so similar. I tend to get brushed off or ignored or nowhere near as much hype. And I know it sounds like jealousy but it honestly just makes wonder what, is it just my stuff specifically that's just not good enough for them? And it just never seems good enough, no matter how hard I try. I realize there are times it is in fact personal and I have no idea why because they don't tell me and I feel terrible when it ends up confirming my fears, then I worry if it's always the case. That's the stuff that hurts the most, more than people just outright telling me if they don't like or aren't interested in my stuff anymore, which would hurt less.

I know not everyone thinks I should die really but it's easy to think that way in times where I get insults and suicide bait from people shitting on me and what I do more than I get positive or supportive comments. So that's why it feels like people just want me to die, I'm told so in my inbox. I'm not saying I demand endless high praise but just someone simply saying they enjoyed something I posted instead of just silence has a way bigger positive impact than they think but some don't anymore. And if there's a reason why or it isn't personal, I wish they'd tell me so it puts my mind to rest, instead of pretending I don't see blatant disinterest or the ignoring that drives me mad and kills motivation. The hateful people are more vocal and then it feels like nobody else cares and it drags me down.

I swear some people, both general followers and some people I'm closer to are just losing interest and getting sick of me personally and it's hard seeing it happen and seemingly being unable to do anything, making it feel like my time of being capable of doing anything good and likable in their eyes has passed. And it's just hard accepting that and letting it go, especially when you never get the real answers and you're left wondering what went wrong and why you're not good enough anymore. I've had moments of realization where my heart sinks when I present something I'm proud of and I get unenthusiastic responses or silence. And feeling either people drift away or being insulted more often than anything positive gives my sick brain a lot to work with in further attacking me with nasty intrusive thoughts too. But like I said, that last part is on me and I feel I'm just genuinely too mentally ill to handle being on the internet.

I appreciate all of you that do support me and my passion and creations, it might just look silly on the surface with my rambling and gushing but what I create is important to me and it means the world to me that it's enjoyed by anyone else. It gets tough with my mind and negativity I receive but I try not to lose sight of the positive things or forget people enjoy my work, which makes it worth turning my passion and ideas into something I can share. I'm trying to get better at not letting negative and hateful stuff matter and only value the good but sometimes when I'm already dealing with enough privately and come online and see this happening too, it's the little extra push I need to reach the breaking point. But at the same time, when I'm in some of my darkest places with things I don't talk about, coming online and seeing kind words and knowing my stuff is enjoyed means everything and manages to put a smile on my face, no matter how awful I feel. And that's what keeps me creating and sharing for as long as I'm here. Thank you. 💜

[voyeuristicvixen]

Captains Log No.33_ addsmespice

Firuz and Inari are a pair of naughty ass alts tht I made to start some adult content w WAV and we have yet to shoot a scene with them but for avis that I put together with less than 100Ls they look goodt. Stay Tuned! Follow their twitter its, https://twitter.com/firuzinari!!

she cute X.X So yaaahhhhhh Wav and I are working on episode 2 of Meta Love Talks and I am working in general on a full schedule for my creative ass (thank the fates) I am super grateful that I have so many amazing ideas and I ask for the strength to carry them out to completion and be fully committed and consistent in the act of self love that is putting it all out. AMEN!

Sub to our Youtube page! https://www.youtube.com/@studio19.

One thing we didnt mention and want to make sure we do more moving forward is give visibility and credits to all the creators that make our content possible. I honestly haven’t been good at doing that because of pure laziness lol. I will do better! I do not want to gatekeep any of these amazing creative tools and things that come together to make videos and pics and looks possible! So ya that first episode we filmed at a historic Sci Fi spot in SL called Hangars Liquides, def a place to check out because the artists there are dedicated to the political movements that art generates in their home countries. Its a dope ass movement behind Hangars that we didnt know about till after the filming. I have to do a whole post and more on that because its so fascinating to me.

I have been pulled into a deeper love for the history of SL, as time goes on there will be more history added and so everything we do in this platform can become apart of that too. Something to think about. Legacy is important to me. In RL and SL has now been a fun way to “troubleshoot” so to speak, the habits and skills necessary to make that happen fr. My Amor tribe will grow, and I have recently been honored to have been asked to be someones daughter. *pinch me im dreaming!* So now we growing our own family and im being introduced into another one all at once. Inshallah!  

Im pretty sure a black creator on zooby hud made this texture for the onesie and its just so clever because its got shoes and pants and a top but on one onesie its brilliant! I need to log in and look and add in where its from later for yall! Genius.

We have been experimenting and practicing more with lighting and photography, getting content. Its been a lot of fun and sometimes also can be daunting. Always remember never compare yourself or your work to others as tempting as it may be! Unless you want to stifle you motivation and creativity! Heed this warning fellow creators don’t you dare do that to yourself! I get into that mode sometimes feeling like “oh no one likes my stuff” but then I realize that hey, I LOVE IT lol and thats all that matters. The bonus is that people that end up liking it too  are oftentimes creators that I myself admire and who’s work I think is amazing representation of SL so that means a lot more to me than having hundreds of likes. I see a lot of ppl get discouraged and maybe this can help put things into a diff perspective. Keep doing you!

Wav had a whole ass amazing idea to do a shoot in the rain and so of course I needed to have us do a kiss in the rain. We have that on our RL couples bucket list. I think one of our meta love talk episodes will def have to include that segment in there because its really fun putting together and finding new things that we can experience together. Game changer! Anywayssss look how cuuuuuteeee they aree *hearteyes*

I be so annoying and nagging Wav a lot more than I would like to admit XD He shuts me up when he does things like take me on romantic dates like this... its such a treat. Also funny asl whenever we try and have a meal and realize we actually have to make reservations so that people can RP the whole dinner for us lmaooo. I hope that one day we can fully get it together but it is really the thought that counts for me. I dont care if we are eating air sandwiches as long as its with MY MAN MY MAN MY MAN. lols and they had a bar cart! I was going in on green fairy absinthe and champagne. Reminded me of RL college days I made my own wormwood tincture.. I used to concoct all kinds of potions since very young. I started out in a coven in 3rd grade... but thats another story entirely !

We need to go back and buy this couples walker it was such a delightful thing lol even when it was glitching out we were walking on air and thats how I feel when I am around this man (and when he’s not being annoying because we are mirrors for one another lmao) Fairytales are not always a walk in the park, the beautiful moments only exist because you choose to make them happen. Our generation has to learn that great things do not always come quick, they can be easy sure but things that last take time.

[astranva]

hi nova,, im feeling good. my school ends late on thursdays just because but it was such a chill day. about what happened with ur friends and seeing harry,, i totally understand exactly how ur feeling ! like the not gatekeeping part and just wanting to see ur number one idol up close. im from singapore so we dont usually have very famous people from the US have concerts here (BUT MAROON 5 & GUNS N ROSES ARE GONNA PERFORM HERE NEAR THE END OF THE YEAR OMGG CANT WAITT) . anygayss, i wanted to share more about who i listen to and what is currently going on with ppl my age and them using tiktok. nothing against ppl who use tiktok bc i do use the app myself !

it’s just that i listen to underground artists and mainstream artists that dont get enough hype and attention nowadays . artists like bring me the horizon, royal blood, declan mckenna etc. yes theyre british 😭😭. so last year bmth trended on tiktok with their song ‘can you feel my heart’, and my schoolmates know i listen to bands like them and that i was the only one in the batch that listens to rock music. i would get comments like “not to be offensive but ur music taste is really overrated, like nobody else likes rock music, u dont have to get excited over them”, and it crushed my heart. so for me to get really pissed that the ppl who judged me for my music taste, only for them to suddenly like the same music BC TIKTOK TRENDED THEM MANY MANY YEARS AFTER, was very reasonable, at least in my opinion . and they had the audacity to ask me “u know this song thats been trending on tiktok? omg its so nice like wow” and LIKE STFU I KNEW THEM FIRST 😭😭

thank u for taking the time to read this lmaoooo im very sorry

and i hope ur day will get better and u SHALL meet harry styles soon 😌😌

– sister 💫

you’re so cute, i’m currently squeezing you in a hug!

i get what you’re saying about the tiktok bit so much! i’ve always been looked down upon for listening to 1d then harry, and then watermelon sugar and suddenly everyone was using it and i was like ???? but now with harry’s house it’s much much worse because almost the entire album is viral, which is great for harry but it sucks because the same people who literally bully you for your choice in musicians, are also the ones using his music and in my case, actually getting to see him lol (2 of my friends excluded because at least they were nice about it).

it sucks, but oh well. that’s life lol. i just hope that the numbers translate to harry expanding with his shows more and calming down with the 15 show in msg 😀

thank you, bub xxx

[malpractive]

imma just pop in here and say this cuz it decided to bother my head, again. (kinda a vent? Not sure if its considered a vent but incase u dont want to hear me complaining then heres ya warning.)

sorry for any writing errors, not my 1st language and i just needed to get these thoughts out quickly

Im a minor who wants to earn from being an artist in the future, and im leaning towards commissioned artwork and/or character design (it may not be my best but i will learn). But with all the AI stuff these days, im terrified that in the future i may not even be able to get a job, let alone use anything ive learned for anything because people might just start relying on "art" generators.Im concerned about my art being used, without consent, for AI because I dont want to support AI art. Im against it, both for myself and the entire community of artists (as in from musicians to dancers to artists and etc.) and supporters.

I would not mind seeing AI being used to make essential goods more accessible, or support people in what they are doing. But this isnt supporting artists, so i cannot stand by this.

Its also so weird that out of all things, Art is the one thing people chose to automate? Why are we not trying to make life easier to make space for creativity? I dont want to live a life where basic needs are scarce and i have to work for ungodly hours (and be paid little at the cost of sleep, time etc) and sacrifice my leisure time, i want to live a life where i can happily have my job as something i want to do and not have to lose sleep because the important stuff is actually done for me. Also, these machines wont properly generate stuff if we didnt exists, so we should atleast have a choice.

Theres also people saying stuff like "We are using ai art so we can have our own art and not be gatekeep from having it" (might not be word for word but something along the lines of it) but the thing is, its a luxury (as in something not important but give pleasure). And someone spending time to give you that luxury should be worthy to be given basic respect. (And i promise you, you will not die from having no art.)

Also, the excuse that adding prompts is effort is bs. Like, dude, thats called thinking of an idea, which is a whole different thing from actually drawing it. And many people can think of an idea. You are not an artist because you had an idea.

Because of the usage of art for AI without consent, automating luxury instead of necessity, and the amount of people thinking they are artists for having the ability to make ideas, i feel like the people that fully support AI "art" just lack some respect for effort. Or maybe don't understand (or care) how it feels.

Though seeing the amount of support there is from people who do not fw ai art, i think ill be able to have a job in atleast freelance commissioning. I've also gotten the thought that maybe human-made art will actually be more valuable in the future (only have heard from searching peoples opinions about ai art once, though it does make sense. There's also sometimes this one person who makes hand made leather bags that appear in yt). But it gets smaller the more I see ai being used. I just hope it never turns zero.

I hope human creation wont be completely replaced in the future. I hope there will still be a space where human-made art is respected.

[cybrthrillz]

All of these new exclusionist drama stuff reminds me of back in 2020 I was hated for believing that yes a person can be attracted to only fictional characters i should be on the aroace spectrum and no one else liked that.

Sadly I was bullied for that idea so much I became identity police until I discovered lesboy and its history and got released from the jail others and myself put myself in.

and you actually genuinely helped with that cause I read all of your stuff bout the topic and realized that hey people I look up to have this views. so thanks for that -Punkie anon

ive talked about this a couple of times before, but funnily enough i had a similar experience back in 2020 as well. since it was the height of covid and also quarantine, the mspec debate was exposed to me and became a lot more prominent.

at the time, i identified as bipan and the discourse made me so upset and disappointed with the lgbt community that i just threw out all my sexuality labels and just called myself queer for a good while because i was and still am SO uncomfortable with calling myself mspec in any way. finding out that i feel comfortable with the term lesbian made me feel so much more at peace with myself, even though people would consider me mspec due to my attractions.

so, thats one of the reasons why i hate gatekeepers and am so determined to defend contradictory label users. i dont want anyone to feel the way i did or feel the way you did. the feeling that you dont fucking have anywhere to go and no community will accept you is haunting and messes with your self worth and no one deserves to go through that. i know how important it is to have good influences, so i strive to use my platform to spread acceptance and make my space a safe community. it makes me really happy to know that its paid off :)

[elaichoi]

tw: bit of discussion on mental health [diagnoses]; talks of depression/major depressive disorder, [social] anxiety, panic disorder, mention of agoraphobia, god idek tbh im sorry

YES LOL THEY WERE ANNOYING TO DO BUT $5 GIFTCARDS N SHIT ^_^ nooo i almost never did the surveys cus i get random emails and thats annoying and they also take forever,, so i only did the ones where u have to download whatever app (usually a game) they tell u to, use it for x amt of seconds/minutes (i forget) and u go back to the app and it gives u points or whatever that u redeem for giftcards! that's how i got superimpose actually 😭 edit tutorial accs would promote their code for that app/site (i don't remember what its called im not gatekeeping i swear) bc using their code gives both u and them extra points,,, and i wanted superimpose so i gave it a try and well what do u know 🥰🥰

my mental health story is kind of long and redundant and not that exciting so i shall spare u,,, well actually i rewrote this 383299 times bc i ended up trauma dumping i think... so um basics i got depressed my freshman yr of highschool, time skip- got diagnosed w depression, generalized anxiety disorder & agoraphobia, which the agoraphobia turned to be a misdiagnosis and i went somewhere else and got rediagnosed w panic disorder. child of a generational trauma that my asian parents do not think exist🫶 i alr knew a lot (90%) of my anxiety was social anxiety but i did not receive that diagnosis until this year. i lost my panic disorder diagnosis yay! andddd also got a diagnosis for major depressive disorder which was kind of an 'ohhhh' moment for me bc a lot of times i felt like antidepressants made me a lot better i felt cured lmfao i was hardly ever depressed,, except i sometimes get depressive episodes and im still struggling w the symptoms of depression that is not depression itself...if that makes sense...those symptoms being memory issues!! quick act surprised!! focus issues, i procrastinate a lot now.... which is important bc before all of this i was a very.. is high-functioning the right term? i genuinely dk if that's a term im supposed to be using,, but basically i was like top of the class student, always on-time and organized, never procrastinated, always remembered everything, i guess kinda type A personality lmao,,,, and now i am not 😃

im probably forgetting some other key stuffs but its okie,,,,, probably irrelevant but ive always been a fairytale hopeless romantic except a dumb long-term relationship got thrown into the middle and peak of my mental health mess (who told me that was a good idea 👺) has made me v antiromantic if u will 💀💀 i girlbossed myself into thinking im wise emotionally but i honestly am v v naive and sensitive and i will be a crybaby if snri's allow me to at that moment 👍

i used to be v smart but im kinda v dumb now but im also kinda trying to get back up again bc i feel? like im slowly improving in general? idk tbh,,, idk what im doing 😁

erm im v sorry this was very mentally unseggsy of me 😗 can u tell i have no concept of oversharing im so sorry for clogging your feed, qiwis followers pls forgive 🙇‍♀️

wbu? same question u asked me on mental health n cognitive functions ^^ only if ur comfortable answering ofc!

i think u could do it if u rlly wanted to, again u talent/hobby vacuum 👺 /j maybe like for blog milestone or something would be an excuse for a one-time video edit then you wouldn't have to continue if u don't want to ? hmm

whenever i didn't have ideas i would like choose a specific edit i rlly liked and use the same audio and like ""recreate"" it (not to post, its just for me & practice purposes lol). like the editor wouldve already split the audio for transitions and stuff so you can split your audio according to the transitions in their edit and add ur own clips over top. u can try to imitate their transitions or do ur own or whatever. i like doing that to practice bc it gives me somewhere to start! idk that's what worked for me personally,, just an idea for if u ever feel up for it no pressure!!

i don't think i could get into the video editing scene again bc i would want to progress to be a good editor and be confident ab my edits but capcut makes me insecure lol bc if everybody can do it then why should i take the time to grow and progress 😗 (that makes me sound like a pick me but again.. its similar to like ai replacing real working humans yk..😭😭)

my relationship ramble thingy ^ means that i also i love angst and making myself cry 😍😍🫦🫰 crack anything is 1000% your brand ‼️

omg yea real life inspo for ur reincanation aus ☺️ ehehe BUT YAY I LOOK FORWARD TO UR REPLIES SM HAVE UR NOTIFS ON LOLL i love talking to u! <3 consentual kisses! ^_^

wait....did we get engaged and/or married here,,,,,,,, on ur nsfw acct FJDJSK😭💀

oh my god i never tried that but i think there were some apps fr that were like ah yes get this free version and then watch a few ads and get one or two watermark free edits per day. BROOO THSI BRINGS BACK SO SO SO MANY MEMORIES!! (i think i rarely did that bc i was one lazy mf also vindictive so i did what i could to work with free apps)

life really tossed you like a salad damn baby I'm sorry you had to go through all that LIKE YOU COULDN'T CATCH A BREAK oh my god bro it seems like you kinda burned out? if that makes sense? because im sure a lot of things were expected of you ( asian parents here too also BRO THEY DONT think trauma EXISTS!) im glad you're getting better bit by bit HERE'S TO GETTING EVEN BETTER IN THE UPCOMING DAYS!!! we will kick mental illness's ass together lmao!

tbh third world country so never really got diagnosed properly but like most of my time i was suffering from. depression i was gaslit into thinking I'm just being whiny and uts not depression and because of this i developed repressive emotions where NOW it's my own turn where i refuse to acknowledge any kind of shit that happened to me like theres a sense of embarrassment where i can't like outright say like yeah this, and this happened to me because I don't anyone's "pity" and some huge ass shit happened to my family which made me haha something i cant say on here but im like over that now ( lol i need to go therapist for this) but yeah OH and I get the depressive episodes because i get that too oh my god like for weeks but my best friend once gave me, like just feel the emotions and let it pass like sure it will feel like a tractor running u over but it will get over and then one day you will take that shower and brush ur hair and feel a lil better!!!!

ooh but LIKE TUMBLR video platform sucks ass but i really like the idea omg i will think it through!!!

BRO NO WAY CAUSE I DID THAT TOO BUT LIKE WITH edits lmao but you're so freaking TALENTED DO YOU KNOW THAT?! i will have to try it I think with all thr tiktok edit trends now it's become easier to do those things i actualky tried to do some of it for my friends bday and it's coming up again so ill have to try!!!

okay but even if capcut exists which I think in a way is kind of good for people who loved editing but couldn't edit bc they couldn't work with, or afford fancy softwares yk but you can't deny the polishness that alight motion or vs will give you. you can't outdo the doer 💅🏼💅🏼 so you really should give it a try!!

you're SO SWEET I LOOK FORWARD SM TO YOUR ANONS TOO LIKE I ONLY COME HERE TO CHECK FOR YOUR ANONS LMAO i love talking to you too 🤭🤭

we're already married,, yes on nsfw kinda on theme don't you think so??

[lonelyangelonlyangel]

So idk why I'm sending you this but your blog is kind of a trigger. And anyways I think it might help you understand why all these men are acting the way they are. To make things short a few years back, I fell hard for this girl I met at work. I was mid 20s and a virgin. She was 21. Looking back it was clear she was gaming me for her benefit. But I genuinely thought she liked me. Her friends who were definitely mocking me behind my back were edging me on and pretending to be my friend. But when I asked her out it was "Oh I'm seeing someone" and "can't we just be friends." People told me to keep trying. And I did, because I wanted to believe I was good enough. But then she blocked me and when I barely did anything, her ex came at me making threats on insta and being alpha (the ex who cheated 7x btw) Dude. I literally would've fallen so hard for this girl. And I wanted her to be the one. My only thought is why she pretended to even like me? Was it purely narcissm. Or her own insecurities? Why not do it to a fuckboy who deserved to be treated like that. Not some insecure dude who thoughr he had a chance. And wanted something genuine. So when I see you post about these guys who are so in love with you but you want this dude who treats you like trash it just idk makes depresses me. Like why do men have to be absolute dirtbags to get what they want? She had no respect for me the minute I made a move and probably never did. I don't know why she had to make me feel so insecure about myself when she could've just literally let me live. And being like casual. Love is hard to give now. I've had 1 relationship in my whole life. I don't even hook up even tho I want to. I just feel like women gatekeep from me. And you can think I'm so gross guy. But women are always trying to flirt and get my attention and all I can think about is how they're gonna use me and waste my time. When I actually wanted something beautiful and genuine. And she wasn't some ratchet gir eitherl. She literally looked like the innocent sweet type but she was just awful. I mean I feel like her friends were a give away. But I ignored it to believe she was better. Always trust gut feelings man. I'm serious. Whatever. Ignore or hate on it. Thats the experience for most guys who aren't egocentric trash. Imo.

hi, it’s difficult to reply fully to your whole message but i would like to say sorry, i never want or intend to trigger anyone with my blog in any way, i just use it to express myself mostly.

secondly i just wanted to say i understand heartbreak very well (i have it tatted on me) and i’m very sorry someone was so careless with your heart. there’s no excuse for anyone to be cruel like that, and none of the people mentioned sound like very good people. having others make fun of you or threaten you was also terrible.

i think a lot of us fall in love with the potential of someone; they’re sweet and funny and caring for a bit, or they pretend to be, and then they show us that’s not really their character, but we’re stuck thinking they have the potential to be all these great things and the perfect boyfriend/girlfriend if only they would go back to how we originally saw them.

so i’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that, and i hope you heal.