#i can take care of myself and ill take care of other people and itll be fine and thatll be my life and i wont enjoy it

[toastsnaffler]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[be-good-to-bugs]

well. back to the horrors

[putyourcigaretteoutonmyback]

────────────────────────────

do i,

one person out of eight billion, on a planet that's bathing in a sea of stars and galaxies,

even matter ?

────────────────────────────

if i was gone it wouldn't affect the world all that much, maybe the people around me, but that's temporary. we all die anyways, don't we? people say life is short yet it feels so, so long despite how the days will pass me by. how ill sit in bed doing the same things, scrolling on this phone, recognizing I should get off, get up, go do something, yet still, I remain unmoved. in my bed. on my phone. and the next days the same, and the next, and the next. my days are all spent the same, what good does living do me, really.

one small person in a universe full of things that have far more potential then ill ever have or live up to. a quit exit would be taking pills, or jumping in the river only a quick drive from me, maybe drown myself in the pool.

ive planned it in my head, sort of anyways. i could sneak out in the middle of the night, walk hours just to find the bridge, to feel the cold railing before ive sunken beneath it. or i could take a ton of pills, though that's not guaranteed. neither of them are i suppose. its funny, really, how suicides something ill always think about. it's the only constant on my mind; even if im happy, out with my friends or family, it lingers. what if this is the last time i see them? the last time they see me. it gets worse when I'm sad. killing myself would take evey feeling ive ever felt away, and id be gone.

i wonder if death is peaceful, i wonder what happens once we die. everyone does, i think, yet it remains unanswered until it happens. tons of reasons to stay, but tons to leave. sometimes i think about how if i do have another life after this, ill never know since it won't actually be me, it won't be my second life because itll be someone completely different. theyll have a different name and face, a different conscience because they won't be me. ill be dead, and someone else will live their life.

when you put it like that, do second lives even exist? if it won't be someone with the same conscience, someone who won't know of your existence, then really, it's just someone else.

“ in my next life I want — ” not your next life, someone else's life. someone completely different. and sometimes, i wanna be something, i wanna be everything, but thatll never be possible. i cant live every life, study every animal whilst learning of every movie ever made. i cant read every book written or listen to all the music that was created on this planet, and that frustrates me.

alot.

i wanna be soft, gentle, but at the same time, i wanna be loud and confident. i wanna get better, to live without the need to criticize my every move, every feature on my body or every word i said, but at the same time, i wanna get sick, be the worst i can be. cut my skin every day, go weeks without food, stop showering, give up, all in the hopes someone notices. to simply let go, to see how it feels, to see if it's any better then trying to be good, to be kind, better then putting in the effort to get out of bed every day, to shower, to do laundry.

back to suicide, i guess. its a sin, isnt it. but is god real? so many things yet to be proven. if god were real, why would he waste time with such insignificant things such as humans, much less care about the sexuality of someone or what they choose to believe in. god is cruel, afterall. someone could spend their whole life being good whilst believing in a religion other than christianity, and guess what. to hell they go. someone who's suffering, who sees suicide as their only way out, to hell. the rapist of someone who committed because of them, they repent and suddenly their a saint. to heaven, of course. what makes someone a good person, really? is if how often they compliment others, is it whether or not they pick up the money someone dropped and return it to them? to be a good person must you believe in certain things, does your past define how good you are? what does it take to be defined as good.

life is unfair, really. you're born into a body, into a family, you're raised, taken care of, unless you arent. the people you're surrounded by as you grow completely dictate who you become, and you cant control that. the body you've got from your mom, the addiction gene from your father, the nose and face you hate from generations before, stuff you get stuck with. you can't change most things, sure, workout, starve, do as you please but that doesn't change the structure of your bones or the people who made you. plastic surgery is expensive, and youll be called fake anyways, so is it worth it? I wonder why it's so hard to like myself.

i really dislike my face, my body, my personality and my voice. the little comments people make, whether they intend to cause harm or to not. they linger within my mind, floating in a thousand other thoughts i have yet to think deeper about. i guess thats what im doing right now. i would be journaling this but my hands hurt, so now whoever sees this gets to decide if they wanna read this. thats probably why i made this account. to rant, to vent.

something i really can't imagine is being anything older then I am right now. being an adult, growing up, it seems so impossible but i know it's not because i see it all around me every day. maybe it's because since from a young age, i always thought id be dead. that id kill myself before the age i am now, before i ever got to be a parent or employee. i still think that, probably, because i still wanna kill myself and its still set in my mind. “ i wont be anything more then what i am right now. ”

maybe its true, maybe its not.

the question “ what do you wanna be when you grow up ” was always hard for me. i never knew, i mean, my childish dreams of being a youtuber were there but that's it. i have no idea who i am or who i wanna be. theres so many jobs, but only so much time to do them, so many careers require a certain course in school, which tends to be expensive. what if i choose something i end up hating? what if im stuck for the rest of my life and miserable. im scared of growing up, of making the wrong choice.

on that topic, sex. its scary, really scary. what if i lose it to the wrong person? of course, i could wait till marriage, but divorce is always a possibility so even then. who would i consider the right person? im not sure. itll probably hurt, what if they see me naked and change their mind? someone seeing me naked is scary. maybe ill just die a virgin, lame, but atleast i won't have to be vulnerable. what if I bleed and he says ew, what if it goes wrong, what if what if what if.

my mind is full of what ifs, always. what if the hangout I have planned goes wrong? what if I get made fun of? maybe I think too much.

thats probably it for now, read it or don't, I wish tumblr said how many words it had. maybe it does, not sure, anyways, bye.

[ivy-is-fine]

WARNING: long vent underneath; mostly self deprecation so be mindful of that if you decide to read

chat I’m genuinely tweaking out so fucking bad rn I just spent like an hour and half making a custom Minecraft skin and then I accidentally hit something that destroyed all of my progress, RIGHT BEFORE I DOWNLOADED IT YALL I GONNA EXPLODE I KNOW I SHOULDNT BE SO UPSET OVER SIMETHING STUPID AND POINTLESS AND SMALL AS THIS BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM GOING TO CRY AND THEN I DONT KNOW THROW A HAT AT THE GROUND YALL IT LOOKED SO GOOD I LOVED IT AND THEN I FUCKING RUINED IT ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO MAKE IT THE SAME EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, JUST HOW I WANTED IT TO BE. I KNOW I CAN JUST MAKE ANOTHER AND BE MORE CAREFUL BUT THAT WILL TAKE SO MUCH MORE TIME AND IT WAS SO TEDIOUS THAT TO SPEND MORE TIME WOULD MAKE THE EXPERIENCE EVEN WORSE. CHAT. CHAT IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND. AND I KNOW IM ONLY SO EMOTIONAL OVER THIS BECAUSE ITS HOT AND MISERABLE AND IM OVERSTIMULATED AND THERES SOMETHING WRONG GOING ON IN MY BODY THATS MADE ME LOSE THE WILL TO EAT AND I HATE MYSELF AND EXISTING FEELS GROSS AND I HAVE NO ENERGY SO NOW IM CRYING JUST AS BAD OVER THIS STUPID, POINTLESS THING AS I DID WHEN MY FUCKING CAT DIED. IM NOT READY FOR THIS SCHOOL YEAR, IM GOING TO BE MISERABLE AND BURNED OUT AND I FEEL LIKE MY BEST FRIENDS DONT LIKE ME EVEN THOUGH I KNOW RATIONALLY THAT THEY DO BUT IM SCARED THAT THEIR OPINIONS OF ME ARE STARTING TO SOUR AND THAT THEYLL LEAVE ME BEHIND JUST AS EVERYONE DOES. GOD IM SO AWKWARD WITH PEOPLE NOBODY LIKES ME I CAN TELL AND I DONT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING INTERESTING OR KNOW ANGTHING ABOUT CARS AND TRUCKS LIEK EVERYONE I EXIST WITH. IM USELESS, I DONT HAVE A JOB, I DONT KNOW HOW TO MOW LAWN OR WEEDWACK OR DRIVE A TRACTOR. IM A WORTHLESS HUMAN WITH ZERO TALENT, ALL I CAN DO IS MAKE USELESS FUCKING ART AND WRITE USELESS FUCKING ESSAYS ABOUT USELESS FUCKING TOPICS. IM SO FUCKING WORTHLESS MY PARENTS SHOULD HAVE KNOWN IT FROM THE START, I COULDNT EVEN EAT FUCKIGN RIGHT. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF, I HATE BEING A PICKY AND SLOW EATER ITS FUCKING EMBARRASSING I HATE BEING UNDERWEIGHT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME WEAK AND I HATE BEING WEAK BECAUSE IT MAKES ME EVEN MORE USLESS AND EMBARRASSING. I HATE MY SKINNY FUCKING WRISTS AND THE NAUSEA THAT CONSTANTLY STIRS IN MY GUT. I HATE MY STUPID FUCKING OVERBITE AND THE HERBST APPLICATION IN MY FACE TO FIX IT AND I HATE MY CURLY HAIR THAT I DKNT KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF PROPERLY BECAUSE IT LOOKS STUPID AND MY SWEATY ASS PALMS THAT LEAVE MARKS ON THE FUCKING TABLES ARE AWFUL I HATE IT IT MAKES ME FEEL GROSS I WISH I KNEW HOW TO ACT IN PUBLIC I WISH I KNEE WHAT INCOULD DONTHAT WOULD MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY BUT I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE WOULD FUNCTION BETTER WITHOUT ME. I WANT TO BE A PART OF SOCIETY BUT I NEVER KNOW HOW TO ACT, I DONT KNOW WHEN SOMEONE CANT TOLERATE ME. PEOPLE SCARE ME TOO EASILY I WANT TO STAY IN MY ROOM WHERE NO ONE HAS TO SEE ME. I WANT TO SMASH MY HEAD AGAINT A WALL, MAYBE ITLL MAKE ME NORMAL. GOD I CANT FUCKING STAND IT ANYMORE PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW HOW TO FUNCTION NORMALLY, HOW TO MAKNTAIN A HEALTHY WEIGHT, HELL, HOW TO HAVE AN APPETITE. I CONSTANTLY FEEL SICK AND RECENTLY IVE BEEN FEELING SO DETACHED FROM REALITY THAT I CAN HARDLY REGISTER ANY WORDS SPOKEN TO ME AND NO ONE TELLS ME ANYTHING IMPORTANT ANYWAYS LIKE HOW I WAS THE LAST TO KNOW WHERE MY FUCKING CAT GOT BURIED??? NO ONE SEEMED TO FEEL LIEK THAT WA SIMPIRTSNT ENOUGH TO TELL ME!!! IT FEELS LIKE EVERYONE EXPECTS EM TO KNOW STUFF WITHOUT HAVING TO BE TOLD BUT INDONT KNOW!!! I NEVER FUCKING KNOW!! I DOTN KNOW ANHTHING OTHER THAN USELESS PIECES OF TRIVIA THAT WILL NEVER BE USED ANYWHERE AT ALL. UGH I FEEL SO ILL, HUNGRY YET SICK AT THE SAME TIME. STARVING WITH NO DESIRE TO EAT. I KNOW ILL DIE, IM ALWAYS ON THE EDGE WITH DEATH, WAVING ACROSS THE STREET AT EACH OTHER. I DONT WANT TO BE SKINNY. I WANT TO EAT AND BE HEALTHY. BUT I CANT. I DONT KNOW WHY I CANT. I HAVE ACCESS TO FOOD AT ALL TIMES, THERES NOTHING STOPPING ME. I CAN HEAR MY STOMACH BUDDLE AND I CAN FEEL THE HUNGER PANGS BUT THEY DONT SEEM TO TRANSMIT TO MY BRAIN. MY MEMORY IS FAILING ME MORE AND MORE MY THE MINUTE, I CAN FEEL MYSELF

DETERIORATING. GOD IM SO SICK OF THIS THIS GAME ISNT FUN ANYMORE BUT I DONT WANT TO QUIT. ITS HARD BEING THE MEDIATOR, THE LIGHTHEARTED JOKESTER WHO DIFFUSES THE SITUATION AND REMAINS COOL AND CALM. IT FUCKING SUCKS AND I GET WALKED ALL OVER ALL THE TIME.

AND I KNOW THERES MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS WHO HAVE IT HUNDREDS OF TIMES WORSE THAN ME, BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT LIVING SUCKS. MY BRACES AND HERBST MAKE MY FACE ACHE AND MY KNEES HURT WHEN HIGH PRESSURE SYSTEMS COME IN AND IM SLOW AND DONT PROVIDE ANYTHING FOR A TEAM. MY ARMS FEEL WEAK ALL THE TIME AND MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE AN EMPTY CHAMBER WITH SOME GUNK AND COBWEBS SLOSHING AROUND. GOD IM SO TIRED. EVERY PART OF MY BODY IS TIRED, IM EXHAUSTED THROUGH TO MY BONES AND BACK.

THERES NO GOOD WAY TO CONCLUDE THIS, AND IM SORRY IF YOUVE READ THIS THROUGH(OR AT ALL).

[tf2heritageposts]

ill be honest w u i wouldnt recommend alcohol to cope with anything if u can help it. barely got into alcohol myself but i did drink wine for like a couple years and my behaviours after achieving wine-drunk were incredibly rude and disrespectful in social settings but it also disabled my ability to mask . so like. if someone was doing shit that annoyed me (not even me specifically, like if someone was harassing someone elses gf, if someone was doing things to disrupt someones fun, etc) i was an extremely unfriendly drunk; i have punched people in the back-shoulders and in their sides, with the sides of my own fists. this has ruined the idea of being around me, for others, when alcohol is involved. so i dont drink lol

some people are drunk angels. others with a history of fight over flight due to trauma are not always likely to be drunk angels and are more likely to do things nobody likes. take care of urself and remember to have fun if ur in an alcoholic setting; if u cant drink bc itll turn sour, thats ok, ur drunk friends and u can still have fun.

i recommend trying to be introspective and getting high with marijuana, and also practicing introspectiveness when sober too. this is how i regulate and understand my trauma and stuff but i have to regulate how much i smoke as well. this is one of the ways on how to work marijuana medically rather than recreationally.

i’m gonna be completely honest with you all, we started drinking vodka at age 14 and whenever we start getting absurdly upset i start craving vodka. alcoholism runs in our family

[smileymoth]

Im being mentally ill sorry chat

I need to kill myself at this point because I'm never going to get better in any way shape or form. I cant eat healthy because I get fucking weird about it. And I'd be okay with it because frankly I don't care if I make myself sick but at the same time I'm scared I'll die at 40 from heart failure because starvation kills your organs and your heart. But I'd not eat healthy in the first place so would it even matter. I hate that I can't say that I wish I was skinny because that means I'm scum of the earth bc i hate fat people even though I dont I just hate myself and everything to do with me because I'll never be enough for myself because I have crippling dysmorphia that makes me want to kill myself. I can'tlook at myself in the mirror i cant look at photos of myself because i hate my body so bad but i cant change it because i keep fucking eating i need to stop fucking eating i need to start counting calories again if i ever want to be skinny and get surgey god its such a long way to go to be skinny i wish i was underweight i wish i hhadnt gained 25kilos over the span of 3 years i need to kill myself because its all my fault its my fault i cant eat or work out properly or be healthy about it because im too depressed to cook for myself and im addicted to sugar and i have no energy or motivation to do things ever. What if its my fuckibg meds that raise my weight so much what if i went off them what if i stop taking them and eventually kill myself because being dead is bettef than being fat right thats what rhe doctors probably want you to beliebe. I look soooo normal on the outside im like smiling and laughing and i looknormal and happy to other people because i have nothing to prove to them for me beung sick beside them knowing i take meds and me joking about being suicidal. I dont have lost weight nor any scars to show them . God i wish i had the courage to cut my arm up so bad i had to get stitches but i cant because i lovr my mom and my mom loves me toi much and i dont want to worry her i already am terrifued of her seeing the small scars on my thighs . I cant even tell if cutting helps because it gives a nice adrenaline rush but then itd over and i feel guilty bc itll leavw scars that people can see i wish people didnt care aboyt scars i wish they healed and disappeared faster so i wouldnt havw to hide them but i also want them to see because i feel like its the only way i could prove to them that im ill and not just joking about it. I need to starve mtself and get skinny because theb maybe someobe will tell me im pretty because ill finally wear pretty clothes and i need to get rid of my tits and i need ro lose the weight for that abd im so scared i wont be able to . Its only 10 kilos it shouldnt be so scary to lose but i lost 5 in dec/january so before i even went to thw gym and now ibe lost nothing in 2 montjs and its so scary i hatw it i hate that im mentally il i hate that ik not ill enough for anyone to care . Im so pathetic it hurts really i need to kill myself but i cant because of my mom and it sucks . Im never going to get better and im never going to feel pretty enough or good enough in my life im always going to feel like a failure so why am i even trying anymore . I want to die but i dont i just want to be happy but i cant do that so i want to kill myself instead but i cant kill myself soim just stuck in this limbo of wishing i was a better person that im never going to be. I wish i had the self control to just not fucking eatif i cant make proper healthy food for myself i dont deserve it i dont deserve good thibgs i need to get beat up on the street by someone i dont deserve good rhings because i havent earned them im always gking to be a little freak thafs not enough for herself or the world because shes a depressed fat probably autistic freak whose only wish is to be happy and find love that i wont get becayse i cant talk to people. I also need to stop posting my mental breakdowns on tumnlr bc its not helping anyone but here we are. Im not a good person am i

[mental-health-advice]

Hello!

(tw mentions of sh but nothing graphic)

I really dont know if this is the place for this, if so simply being able to write this out is probably helpful. I am in a romantic relationship with someone who self harms (were both 19). This was a thing i knew about before we got together, we were both going through a rough patch then and bonded a lot of beinf able to talk about our problems, i think back then i was so busy dealing with my own mountain of problems and thoughts of self inury (that i luckily never followed through on) that worry for someone else didnt even fit.

While all the resources I can find are really helpful im at a bit of a loss now, ive done everything right, i already had expierience with other friends and myself. They are in therapy and are on the path to healing, take good care of the wounds generally and we can openly comunicate about this and generally have been able to do so effectively.

These last few months however theres been more slip ups than before. I know progress is not linear, and its still much a work in progress (this has been an issue for 7 years, 1 year of recovery is obviously nothing). I am incredibly proud of the progress they have made, last year it was twice weekly trips to the ER, so even twice a month is huge already. also know they wont be able to quit or even signficantly reduce the self harm until they move out, since their family is unstable and does everything wrong (gets angry, threatens with ultimatums, generally extremely scared of their scars).

last few times with a slip up its made me freak out too, I have an anxiety disorder which this now triggers (i used to have a slightly better grip on this) I try to remain calm and helpful for their sake, but its mostly incredibly upsetting im not there to help them, and i know being there to talk helps but ive run out of material ways to help. It also feels like it proves my fear that something will always go wrong, which can lead me to have panic attacks. Ive talked about this with them of course and we get through it together, i really want to be better at keeping a slightly leverer head though. I used to have counceling too who helped me, but since i turned 18 and finished school im now on a waitinglist for adult help, and while talking to other friends helps somewhat its still generally makes me panic, sleep badly and sometimes have nightmares. I really love them, whenever were together we bring out the best in eachother and im afraid if i talk about this too much to people theyll tell me to break up with them.

we have plans to move in together for university next year, which im sure will help a lot (i know they wont magically heal then either, but ill be there as a more sturdy support and theyll be able to access ER, etc without being shamed) and ill have a therapist again then too, so its just these coming months that are going to be very rough. I just never know how to calm myself down, i know its not rational (they are hurt but never badly, they always talk to me about it, their psychologist will generally help too) i also know im allowed to feel sad and scared, i just want to be more in control.

back when i had a therapist she used to talk about trying to stay at my own feelings, not getting dragged down into someone else. But i just dont know how to do that, whenever it happens its just so sad and i hate it. No matter how much i remind myself even after ive allowed myself a period to be sad that itll be okay and they are relatively safe and i see them every week it feels so awful. Its not very tennable to ruin my whole night, next day on this every time. sorry this is sooo long but i feel the context is important as ive gone through a lot of advice, thank u tho.

Hey there,

Whilst I think that it is great that you have been able to help this person for such a long period of time, unfortunately it is not always sustainable no matter how much we would like it to be. This though doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try if you want to, I am just trying to point out that unless you look after yourself too and put a bit of a barrier between you and this person then it is likely that things may not change or improve for YOU.

I know how great it can feel when we help another and especially when we see such big improvements for the person we are trying to help and support, but the end line is that we can only do so much until we ourself begin to crumble or struggle a bit (which it sounds like you are to some degree) and so I am wondering if you can put some space between this person and you at all to focus on yourself a bit more and self-care may be of some benefit to you.

In regards to this person, any day of no self-harm is an amazing achievement and no amount of set backs or slip ups/ relapses can take these achievements away from them. It’s important to know that that recovery comes from within and so unless this person chooses to and is ready to focus on their recovery then it is unlikely that things will change for them and they will still be in survival mode. This is in no way your fault, and nor is there much you can do about it as we cannot choose recovery for another person, it has to be when they are ready and choose to try to commit. And even then, it’s quite normal to go back to survival mode and go back and forth between recovery and not, this does not mean they are not still trying, but rather they are just human like everyone of us are. I remember in my own recovery away from self-harm I did go in and out of trying to not self-harm depending on how strong I felt on the day and what triggers may have come up that made me want to self-harm, this didn’t mean I wasn’t trying or that, it was just that I was really struggling and the urges to self-harm were too strong to try and fight them.

So, what can you do?

To begin with try to be patient with yourself and this person and know that even when they seem to not be trying, they actually are. Try to put some space in between you and this person to enable you to look after yourself too. You can do this by practising good self-care (trying to eat healthy, doing some exercise a few times a week and trying to get a good nights sleep) and tyring to have some ‘down time’ where you can simply just think about yourself and do some things that you enjoy doing whatever that may be. I know that you may feel selfish and bad for taking some time out for yourself, but if you don’t look after yourself then it won’t be sustainable to help support others and be there for them if you choose to do so.

In regards to how it can make you feel when this person does self-harm or is struggling quite a bit, as your therapist mentioned to you, try to take a step back and allow yourself some time to grieve or feel sad and try to be kind to yourself – I know how it can feel like a loss to you as well when someone is struggling and self-harms as a result, but in reality it has nothing to do with you and how much or how little you are there for the, it is bound to happen anyway and this in no way reflects on you and how good a job you may be doing to support them through difficult times and days.

I know that you mentioned that it can cause great anxiety when they do self-harm now, and so when this happens, again, try to be kind to yourself and do try to take some time out for you. And I know, this is much easier said than done, but it will get easier though with practice and it may also be helpful to check out our page on calming anxiety and panic as well for some more ideas on different coping strategies.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[arsenicflame]

what should i do with my robe fabric? an uncomfortably long write up and a poll (since i have polls now)

id really appreciate if you could take the time to give some input, even if you dont read all my writing and just skip to the voting! the writing is mostly me explaining my ideas, buf you can totally skim it and get the idea

the fabric is here, so its time to plan

i think im down to two main options, screen accurate robe or a historically accurate one- accurate is a general term here, ultimately ill do what i want with little care for being exact, but as an overview, thats the idea split. there was a fleeting idea i might do some other style of robe, but i never found anything i exactly vibed with (if you wanna vanilla extract it though, feel free to drop other suggestions in the replies)

screen accurate (SA)

a lot of my information for this comes from this blog post, its excellent research and covers just about everything. honestly theres not much i can say that isn't already written on there, and anyway, its the robe. you know the robe.

its necessary to note at this point i already plan to stray a little from screen accuracy on my lining. the SA lining is quite a vibrant pink, but to compliment my personal wardrobe more, im learning towards a dusky pink or almost maroon colour (im visualising the robe fabric background colour but a little darker, but itll depend on what i can actually find in my local shop)

this one will also require buying another fabric on top of the lining (an orange for the piping) and making or sourcing tassels if i decide to have them (up in the air as i am bound to catch them on things)

a big appeal to this version for me is the box pleat in the back- it allows for more volume, more movement, while still sitting right and keeping the silhouette. i do like volume in my garments

its probably a more technical build than a HA one, just on the neck binding and kinomo sleeves, but it should still be pretty straight forward

historically accurate (HA)

historically, the SA version seems to be based on wrapping gowns. a very simple construction, cut all in one big length (though, as on the SA i would have a seam at the shoulder so the print isn't upside down) this image gives both a good idea of pattern and silhouette

the wrapping gown is generally quite a loose fitting garment, and is very simple in its cutting. its all straight lines, and all triangles and rectangles. theres a couple of different options in the cutting, but im thinking as flared as i can make it (with or without piecing) at the hem, and also maybe some flare on the cutting of the sleeve to make it wider at the wrist without affecting mobility

wrapping gowns do typically have a small collar up near the neck, similar to the way the SA one is, but it only wraps around a short distance, not to halfway down the body as the SA does

this is obviously a much easier pattern, in my research ive seen people complete this in a day. my main concerns for me personally are in the flare and in the fit. i like a good swoosh and im not sure that ill get that in this (but not certain. some look quite full).

while it is designed to be an unfitted garment, it still has some fitting. im a little concerned that to give myself enough room around the chest i will end up with quite a dropped shoulder (shoulder seam sitting down the arm) and im not a huge fan of that. these are all things id figure out in a mockup, but it has me hesitating to go that way

here are some research links, if you care to read a bit more

video by nicole rudolph, wrapping gown talk starts at 18:27

the difference between banyan and wrapping gown

pinterest board with various historical pictures

a sort of tldr;

heres a basic look at what the patterns look like. as you can see the HA one is far more simplistic in shape

if youve been following any of my sewing projects youll know i have a tendency to make things take far longer than they really need to, so obviously a simpler garment that uses mostly techniques i already know is a huge appeal rather than a far more complicated and out of my comfort zone project. but i have concerns about the fit of the HA, and there is just something so appealing to making the SA version....

obviously. whichever path i pick i have a lot more research to do, and with OFMD now being on iplayer ill definitely be watching the episodes it appears in the get a better idea of how it should sit myself.... but for now

[videostak]

really literally no idea where to go from here. i mean i know my best bets are to get a job and to continue college but searching for a job has been a complete dead end and no amount of time has changed that and im really gonna have to like hardcore study my ass off to even be comfortable taking classes again so that i dont have a repeat of failing all my classes liek b4.  i just feel so completely disenchanted with the world atm and like i kno things will if not get better than atleast change which should make things different but like its just hard to even know where to go or what to do when u meet someone and meet all their friends and have to learn secondhand that not a single one of them thinks of u as being worthy of being treated with respect and like a decent human being. llike its not exactly easy to just get back up on your feet and run into the same brick wall face first again. if it was something that happened over the span of like a 2 months or so or even a year maybe it wouldntve fucked me up so bad but the fact that like 3 years of my life went by like this really just makes me feel like i have to learn how to walk again. like the level of vulnerabilty and trust i put in people and that people are well aware of me putting in them just for them to act like they dont even know me is insane like thats not something im really willing to put myself in a position to go through again. and everyone in the entire world telling that that friendship and human connection is the most vital thing in life and the only reason for living is like fucking me up too like its true but hearing it for all my life for me to be treated that way by peoplewho believe that too is rly just like messing w/ my brain. like to consistently meet and trust shitty ppl is one thing but its happened so consistently in my life that like it just pours into the way i think abt everything and i dont really kno if or who i can trust anymore like even when i pour three years of my life trying to build and maintain a friendship wiht someone who claims to be doing the same i dont think ill ever actually know the comfort since the rug can so easily be sweeped from under my feet any secodn as far into the friendship as possible. it just like reaches the point where i dont wanna think abt it anymore or think anymore and like to not even have any of their friends even check up on me or ask for my side of the story is so insane like i get it im not worth caring abt but like its insane that ppl can knowingly do such awful things unchecked and just go on with their life with all of their close friends writing it off as an average imperfection and to continue to consider them an angel in every aspect. like really just cannot trust people anymore and like i start to see feel patterns that just make me want to nap for days straight. been using bumble and just wanna keep it just so that i can say im trying but like i dont kno if ill not ever feel horrible abt that vulnerabilty and the way ppl treat me. guessing its cause when ppl catch wind of me not having any other friends they realize they can do whatever and that i wont have any1 to gossip to and that itll never come back to bite them.

[pinnithin]

long kind of sad gay poast ahead

saw something about loving the unlovable and it got me thinking about how its a central theme in most of my writing. paired with like, isolation, being separate/other, the doomed concept of human connection, being the only person who can love and understand you the way you need, etc - i watched evangelion way too young if you couldnt guess.

anyway and this is due to the fact that a core part of my identity and personality revolves around the fact that i considered myself unlovable for the majority of my life, first unconsciously through childhood neglect, then by choice as some "you cant fire me i quit" teen angst sort of thing, then by a doomed sense of resignation all through college. its a significant part of how i see myself even now after years of working to unlearn it - ive managed to dial it back to "im difficult to love" which still isnt great but yknow. better than it was

which is why i have attachment issues and preferred one night stands for a long time. my romantic relationships (many of them short lived) have been with well meaning partners who assured me constantly that like, even though youre difficult to love its worth it. and that was all nice and good but it made me feel so fraudulent and disgusted with myself because it put me in the position of thinking either 1) this person doesnt actually know me that well at all or 2) i have somehow tricked this person into thinking under all the baggage theres someone worth loving. which is something i find difficult to reconcile with because the baggage is me too. i cant get rid of it. inevitably those people got wise and it ended up not working out.

by now have all these arguments and strategies geared up to explain to people who make the mistake of caring about me that its really not worth the effort, we're better off as friends or acquaintances, etc. im very transparent about the issues i deal with so its all just laid out there from the beginning and im not like, tricking people into being in a relationship with me or whatever by hiding it. ive talked in circles with exes over and over along the general lines of "im difficult to love" > "no youre not" > "i have xyz wrong with me and i push people away, trust me you dont want to deal with this" > "okay well we can work on that, and youll get better and itll be worth it" > "what if i never get better" > "you will, ill help you" > [me relenting bc im unable to dash their hopes and dreams that even if i Get Better im still Me at the core and the things that make me difficult to love are a permanent part of me]

the relationship im in now doesnt even let me get into that. shan is just like, youre not. youre not difficult to love, youre actually very easy to love and it has always been easy to love you, even before we were dating. and i dont have a comeback for that.

even with my usual strategy of "heres an itemized list of all the reasons dating me is a risk" theyre just like well sure, thats difficult for you to deal with, and im sorry its so hard for you, but that doesnt make you difficult to love. the loving is easy. that part has always been easy.

she doesnt treat me like a problem that needs to be solved she doesnt try to be my savior from myself she doesnt give any indication that shes just waiting it out until i reach a certain threshold of acceptable or unacceptable. she just loves me and trusts me to take care of myself, and it places a lot of personal responsibility on me to be better - not for us but for me, because im the only person who can do that and they know it.

its the healthiest relationship ive ever been in and ive never felt so safe and free to be myself. i dont need to live up to any expectations to eventually make myself lovable. im easy to love. hard thing for me to believe in self practice but going back to the inherent disconnect between all humans, who am i to know or control what they consider easy or difficult? i dont judge her when something she finds difficult is easy for me, so why wouldn't the opposite be true?

[laly-481]

Not sure if i should do this on your sideblog or here so doing it here!

I feel like itll get obvious after i finish bc oh boi i have a lot to say (also you may recognize my typing)

YOURE FR ONE OF THE BEST PERSON I EVER MET AND IM SO GENUINELY 100% SINCERE LIKE!!!!! God itll be difficult expressing myself without making it obvious so fuck it

MY LOVELY PLATONIC WIFE ILSYM /P I FR CONSIDER YOU AS MY BEST FRIEND!!!! its already been. what. 2 years we're friends now?? And i usually struggle sm keeping friendships for long so i just really really appreciate the fact that we still managed to stick together for so long, rambling about our new hyperfixations to the other to the point of sometimes making it the others hyperfixation and then just having sm brainrots and all together and even creating aus and characters together and even if we never finish anything which is a bit sad the process is always soso fun and i appreciate each and every moment i spent with u ever!!

Youre like one of the people i feel the most comfortable with if not the most?? Like i feel i can just ramble about most of whatever the fuck passes my mind without u judging me which. Probably often ends in your notifs being flooded by me. Oopsies.

Know that ill always always support u bc youre someone so important to me and i really care about and sometimes i just randomly think "damn im so glad to have met laly" bc thats genuinely what i think youre just so!!! Amazing!!!

Anddd i think i should stop because this is getting too long but basically; YOURE ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE IVE EVER MET AND I LOVE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH /P MWAH HERE TAKE COOKIES CUZ YOURE EPIC 🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪🍪

JDQBMVABLMFAENLKFA GIGGLING KICKING MY FEET

ILYYYY /P I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT TALKING AND STUFF SO I DON'T SAY IT ENOUGH JUT ILY !!!!!

[miscellaneous-ruminations]

it feels so bad to talk to him. i feel so miserably ashamed of feeling bad talking to my own partner. the times we talk to each other and it goes well are diminishing in frequency, and i feel like he’s turning into another person before my eyes. i don’t know what to do with this person who dislikes me, dislikes spending time with me, or likes me but hates me? he treats me like a hated little sibling, always getting in his way. i’m not even treated like his friend. why does this happen to be how he does it. we need couples therapy. i need therapy. ive had the tome of my life without him. i dont know whats happening.

and yet he claims he needs me and clings to me whenever my negative reaction gets too obvious to ignore. he takes on this expecting to be punished attitude and im like am i even here to you? are you even experiencing my presence? it feels like he’s living in a monologue and is just talking with a version of me that he controls, and punishing me when i don’t adhere to it.

IVE FELT LIKE MYSELF WHILE HES BEEN GONE!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WHEN HE COMES BACK WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

and yet i love him and i miss him and i dont

i have been making excuses for him for three years. no if ands or buts. i have been making excuses to people whose opinions i care about more than his. i have lost my own good opinion.

why do i have to worry about the giant fight itll be when i get upset that all he can talk about is his fomo when i bring up my fun things.

i realized that i dont even really talk anymore. he dominates every conversation, and aside from literally just jokes and the occasional deep conversation that he treats like derailing his day, the expectation is that i will be there to be his everything and not have my own life. not have my own friends. not have my own interests. i cant go to anything without him. and he has the excuse of being my ride.

and oh, when hes at his best and functioning normally he can act rationally and be “generous” and “let” me go without him, but the second hes even a littleee insecure about ANYTHING and i can pry him off me wothout a fight where he paints me as a bigass overreactor while being the one who cant let the fucking thing go!!! what am i supposed to do!!!!!

we let outselves get really entangled really codependent at the beginning. i wont pretend it wasnt mutual. but in spite of that i feel like im the ONLY ONE TRYING TO GET US OUT OF THE DEATH SPIRAL

why am i the only one trying

why am i the only one trying

and he says im reading too much into this that im being unfair but you cant “its not that deep” your way out of this you bastard. because there is a point where it is that deep. where i leave the confines of this relationship and cant contribute to someone who wants to hear from me because im used to being the silent spaghetti wall. when im not contributing ideas because im worried about that GODDAMN CONDESCENDING “WELL YOU DONT GRASP THE SOCIAL ELEMENTS OF THIS” SMUG ASS FUCKING…… AOUGH

YOU WOULD NOT HAVE DATED ME IF I WAS NOT SOCIALLY ADEPT. I AM BEING HELD TO NEUROTYPICAL STANDARDS NOT ETHICAL AUTISTIC ONES AND I AM TIRED OF SUFFOCATING UNDER THE STANDARDS YOU HOLD YOURSELF TO BECAUSE THEYRE COMFORTABLE. THEYRE NOT FOR ME. IM NOT ENTERTAINING IT ANY LONGER

HE HAS GIVEN ME A SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER. I CANT STEP AWAY FROM IT!!! I HAVE NO FRIENDS THAT I CAN BE MYSELF WITH WITHOUT HIM INTERFERING AND INSERTING HIMSELF. AND HE SAYS HES FINE WITH IT HE SAYS HE IS AND THEN ILL NEED TO DO NOTHING BUT BE IN THE ROOM WOTH HIM WHILE HE SEWS AND WASTE MY EVENING BEING A SEXY LAMP!!!!! AND IF IM ANGRY OR FEEL USED OR ANYTHING ELSE IT TURNS INTO A FIGHT WHERE IM IGNORED IN FAVOR OF TALKING ABOUT HOW SAD IT IS THAT HE HAS THIS INFURIATING DEFENSIVENESS AND HOW HARD IT IS FOR HIM AND HOW MUCH HES TRYING. BULL SHIT! NOT FUCKING BUYING IT!!!! ARE YOU CHANGING? ARE YOU TRYING??? BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE SOENDING ZERO TIME AND ZERO CONSISTENT EFFORT ON CONSISTENTLY NOT BEING AN ASSHOLE TO ME

AND ANOTHER THING!!! HIS OCD RULES THIS FUCKING HOUSE!!!! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO AVOID THE FACT THAT NO JOB I EVER DO IS ENOUGH HE WANTS TO BE MATRON WITH ME AS THE DELEGATE BUT I CANT FUCKING GET IN THERE BECAUSE WHAT HE ACTUALLY WANTS IS TO DO IT HIMSELF

I NEED HIM TO GET MEDICATED FOR HIS OCD AND PTSD IT IS FUCKING RUINING *MY* LIFE. AND I DONT THINK HE CARES. I DONT THINK HE CARES ENOUGH ABOUT HIS IMPACT ON ME TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. BECAUSE I THINK ON SOME LEVEL HES LIKE WHERE WOULD HE GO.

and thats so fucking dangerous. he can justify fucking anything with that. and i will not be a part of it. im building my own fucking life back and if i encounter resistance i dont like the shape of he can start taking a fucking backseat. if he wants to be my friend he can start acting like my fucking friend again. but until that time hes my mentally ill shithead boyfriend. who i love. god help me i love him. g-d, help me if i need to learn to leave him.

[starjxsung]

HI BABY OH MY GDKJSHFKHSDFIUHKJSDHFKSHFHSDKFH YOURE BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ive been checking on your main blog every single day since uve been on hiatus just waiting for the day you come back and somehow i think the past few days i just completely forgot you had a side blog and idk how i missed your comeback the past few days but ig i did... :((

I HOPE YOURE DOING ALRIGHT!!!! summer has been pretty okay w me so far, mostly just hangouts with friends and staying inside to avoid the sun and any uv rays possible like the fucking vampire i am, etc.

im going to kcon la next month!! unfortunately skz isnt part of lineup and i wont be able to go friday so ill only be able to see the saturday+sunday conventions and concerts, but i hope itll be fun nonetheless. my uncle is some kind of manager in the entertainment industry (idk too much abt it but he usually gets me signed albums every year so im not complaining!) and he usually helps out at kcon every year, so he always has at least 2-3 free tickets.. whenever he visits so im usually able to head to kcon if my schedule fits!! 

i think for other life updates on my part theres not tm.. i ended up going on a diet the past month because ive been really wanting to lose weight for a while now but ive never been able to do it in a healthy way because ive had an ed for as long as i could remember.. (growing up with asian beauty standards is pretty tough unfortunately 😞) i used to be 130lbs at 5’1” so i always considered myself overweight because of my height, but i recently lost 10lbs and im hoping i can reach my goal of 110 within the next month asw 🤞

aside from my life update rant though, ive srsly missed you so much star you dont even know !!! im so happy youre back 🥺🥺🥺

as always, ur biggest fan

~ 《 ☘️ 》

BABY BABY BABY BABYYYYYDHDKDKDKKFOVKFKEMRKFKF I MISSED YOUUUUUUUUU my little clover angel I LOVE YOU SOOOOO BAD I AM ACTUALLY YOUR NUMBER ONE FANNNNNNN 💔💔💔💔💔

I’ll be back on main blog™️ soon !!!! I miss it there too tbh RAHHHH side blog is good too but main blog is where everything started and I miss posting so bad 💔 I also somehow check tumblr less ever since the creation of side blog so I have to physically remind myself to check tumblr and I just. miss when I had more time to post and people wouldn’t get annoyed of me answering asks on main ☹️ BUT FEEL FREEEE TO SPAM SIDE BLOG™️ TOOOOOO she exists for all ur spam/vent/miscellaneous needs and I love checking on you guys even when I’m not on main. I love you !!!!

I’m so glad summer has been treating you so well ALSO KCON??? HELLO??????? I AM SOOOO FUCKING JEALOUS OH MY HODDKDKDMDMDKD I wanted to see Taemin & nmixx SOOOOO FUCKING BAD MY BABIESSSSSSS 🤲😭 TAKE SOOOO MANY PICS FOR ME I CANT WAIT TO HEAR ALL ABOUT IT RAHHH IT’S GONNA BE SOOOO FUCKING SICK I CANT WAIT I love this for u. Kcon era. Yes.

Also don’t be so hard on yourself my angelllll just make sure you’re staying healthy :( I love you :( and I fully acknowledge that beauty standards are fucking impossible to live by and they can genuinely be so taxing to try to fit. But as long as you’re healthy and happy and doing what you want for yourself only, that’s what matters :’) I’m always a message away if you need me (even though I’m fucking garbage at responding) and I love you no matter what. Take care of yourself precious cargo 🤲💓

I LOVE YOU and I missed you and I promise I will be back on main blog™️ as soon as I physically can be. I am ur biggest fan actually if you were a clover I would pick you and keep you in a little resin necklace and wear you all the time. I love you !!!!!!!!.!.!.!!.!/!:!!,?,!.!.!

[npclibrarydump]

thinking about the scene in my head where the crew finally gets their shit together and meets up to plan for the session, like who still needs their planet quests done and who knows where their quest bed is. and discussing how exactly the battlefield is going to be restored, and how the genesis breeding is going. and then theyre wondering how exactly the "win" thing works. if their new universe is at the end...

alexi's pretty blunt "can we take finn with us?" because its not wrong to assume game 'constructs' wont be able to leave the medium.

everyone goes silent while finn sorta deflects and haws his way around a no. he didnt even see the ultimate reward in his own game, and he probably wouldnt have remembered anyway. "but please, dont worry about it. the most important thing is getting everyone to the end in one piece :)" and because hes sweet and atp more attatched to this group than his own co-players

"i really want you guys to win, more than anything" very sentimental and smiley. but piers isnt having any of that. "we. you are a part of this team now finn, if we win youre winning with us."

and more silence bc its awkward and tbh piers and kastri are the ones who know finn the best atp. finn is surprised and has to hide that... he doesnt really feel that way. but he thanks piers and asks frixaa to move on discussing the plans.

piers is more blunt and well, not grumpy but yk. for the rest of that meeting. and afterwards. everyone splits up to go questing and piers goes back home for more tedious insect science. and after floating around checking on the others for a bit, finn ends up on piers' planet like he usually does.

its hard to tell, but piers is upset with him. or something related to finn? he's a grumpy cynical person anyway, but piers when he's really upset is distant and cold, using work as a barrier to the world while he seethes quietly. finn tries to talk to him, just how they normally would, but piers is uhh. yea

neither of them are super 'beat around the bush' people, so finn just asks. "is it about the meeting?" and piers has to put his tools down. "i'm flattered you think of me as one of you all, really. but the reality is that,.. im not even supposed to be here. i'm only... not alive but resurrected, because of a whole lot of glitches that lined up to revive me."

"im not a player here. my planet isnt here, i dont have a spot on either of the moons, there sure isnt a quest bed out there for me. ive no reason to assume ill be able to enter the new universe with you, and i dont want to... pretend that its true."

piers: "you dont know! im not going to delude myself into thinking that either, but you just... dismiss that it could happen... and i dont care whatever the game thinks, youre- ugh" he doesnt usually get this emotional with arguments..

finn is still... listen. its a self worth thing, the only vital thing he did for his session was die. and so far, he hasnt done anything other than provide the information sprites are supposed to anyway. hes a useful messenger, and he's good at talking to people, but hes not a combatant or magic wielder or planner. he knows hes a coward.

"i just... dont want to get anyones hopes up. yours or mine." he says. "and if i cant leave with you, or something else happens- i dont want you all to hesitate in getting the reward you really deserve..."

piers stands up from his desk, "you deserve it too! and theres a difference between... between hoping itll turn out fine and being just... defeatist and cynical!"

finn half laughs. "hm, i thought you were supposed to be the cynical one." piers deflates, that feeling where you know you arent persuasive enough to convince someone to change their mind, especially about themselves.

[crymea-river]

4/26/2024

leap years are for remembering

god sometimes i read the things i used to write on here or even in my old journals and i cringe (for lack of a better word) at how seriously i was taking things. this page is such a time capsule. i love it, im glad ive documented my feelings over the years but it makes me feel… weird. nostalgia is so interesting.

im having a really good and also strange time with (what i assume is) my adult brain. good bc i can trust my judgement better than i have ever been able to; things just make sense in an innate way now, a way that i struggle describe. strange bc i feel like i know myself less than i ever have but also way more than i ever have at the same time ? im the same person i was at 11 and 12 and 13 and 17 and 18 and 22, and its so crazy to me how different all these ages felt but theyre all me. they didnt really go anywhere, theyre all still inside me. i remember being 22 and still feeling relatively connected to my high-school-self but then just 2 years later i felt decades removed from her. and now i feel decades removed from my 22-year-old-self. the way i would reminisce on 2016 in 2020 is how im reminiscing on 2020 now. lol leap years are for remembering, i guess.

ive found myself reverting back to a lot of things i used to do and enjoy in adolescence. lots of silly topical things, like using pantene instead of all these expensive hair products ive tried over the years. i loved the way it made my hair smell back then and it made it so soft and who cares if it coats my hair in silicon or whatever ill just clarify it every few weeks itll be fine. im also finally letting myself enjoy things from back then that i was afraid to fully embrace for fear of being judged. thats a Huge fun part about getting older i’ve noticed, not caring what others think. id have told you back then that i didnt care about that, and on the surface i didnt. but it would get to me to some degree. i think my music taste from back then is a prime example of that (im not gonna elaborate i know what i mean).

i hope im making 11 and 12 and 13 year old me proud. and i want to tell 16 and 17 and 18 AND 19 year old me it gets better, but also to stop taking such trivial things so seriously maybe. life does not revolve around having a boyfriend (or whatever youd call those fuckers from back then). itll happen when its meant to and it will be so worth it. no one knows what they want at those ages. i barely knew what i wanted until it fell into my lap to be honest, and that only happened after i stopped yearning so hard for that shit and began TRULY enjoying my own company (and my friends’ obviously. love them). this is not where i wanted to go with this, i didnt want to talk about men. i think thats what cringes me out so bad about my old posts/entries, theyre allllllll (mostly) about bOyS. which was age appropriate i GUESS but idk it just brought me so much unnecessary stress lol. i learned eventually, and im glad i did so when i did.

all this to say im very happy. and peaceful. and i love the people i have surrounded myself with. i love being in love and i cannot describe in actual english words how thrilled i am that its with will. even 4 years into it.

being 26 is just so strange i think

[ghost-of-the-machine]

just saw a button that says "im not myself today. maybe im you" SHUT UP....... dont remind me!!! theres a specific shame in it that no one seems to grasp, which makes sense, when do i ever explain it?

it feels so. shameful, even though i know i cant help it, even if its just my natural tendency, its like. i want to RISE ABOVE my disorder, but.. i cant. its a personality disorder, it defines my personality. having back to back personality/dissociative disorders is so fucked up man i do not know who i am!!!! my only worth of myself comes from what other people tell me. am i sweet? am i kind? am i funny? at surface level i believe it, thats how i seem to others so it must be true... but beneath that i detest it, i feel rotten to my core. it feels disingenuous since its coming from others instead of within, so i feel like im hiding something. like theres some part of me thats so indescribably ugly and vile, and i cant let anyone i love see it. even when theyve already seen it, i hide it further, i pretend like its not real. i forget long conversations full of understanding and love, i embrace the fact that i need to hide this thing, this monster. there is no monster!! its just me, and that makes it worse.

isnt it horrifiying, though? i take the voices of others, take their mannerisms, sometimes i even take their skin, i shape myself in someone elses image. realistically i know why, mimicry keeps you safe from rejection, people are less likely to throw you away if you act like them. you are more likely to be accepted into a group if you mask and mirror. you pick up on their vocabulary, their personalities, and you display it back to them. but theres more to it than that, i spend too much time abusing myself over things i cant control, in the hopes that itll fix me. its not like i do it just to endear myself, i do it because i like it. is that worse, then? i like when i copy, i like the way people are!! i wanna be like the people i like, is that bad? i cant tell, i see it from both sides. it makes me feel dirty. i really dont know who i am

am i still the angry boy i was in middle school? that was me right? maybe it wasnt me, maybe im new.. if im new then who am i? am i the me i draw? the me i project out to others? who would that even be?? it seems no matter what, i remain dissatisfied with how everyone sees me, like theyre not seeing ME... but how can i know what that should be if i dont know myself? its like its locked somewhere within myself, but ill never be able to open it up, never be able to wear the skin i was meant to wear. i think it has nothing to do with the usual suspects, nothing to do with gender dysphoria, social anxiety, no. my mind is made of barriers and walls, im hiding from myself. i want to see it, dont i deserve it? its me after all.

to other people i must be someone right? so why does it feel so wrong? its not me, its wrong! surely its wrong? idk man. it makes me tired, i remember a couple years ago i managed to completely convince myself that i existed in a box and the box wasnt real, the whole time i was completely dissociated from my body, imagining one of my self inserts instead, crying and panicking because i wanted to get out of the box it was. MESSY, but when i calmed down i realized i was so worked up cuz i didnt know myself

for years ive worn the clothes my family picked, i didnt even know i could change my hair, i thought it wasnt allowed. i didnt have any self expression whatsoever. i was a husk, a shell of a person. to the point where now when i buy a piece of clothing, or i do ANYTHING with my appearance, i feel this.. it feels like such a big deal to me, and no one else really cares cuz hello? yr supposed to do that i guess, but i was 18 years too late. i have no sense of self cuz ive never explored myself, i thought it was against the rules. i dont know why i thought that, but its fucked me up i guess. i feel lost, i feel aimless. and im sucked back into that familiar feeling, i feel empty