#i can't tell them anything without hurting them

[sugarwavelove]

Dearest older brother...?

Notes: woke up from my nap and wrote this off the top of my head. Some of this is based off my own personal experiences. Not proofread.

Content to be found: 100% PLATONIC, implied bpd and ocd if you squint, unhealthy sibling dynamics (lmk if there's more I should add)

You remember asking Sunday that question all too well. And boy, how did you regret it. 

“Is it ok if I call you… big brother now?”

You so desperately wanted to have a caring family, siblings, but younger naive you clung to the wrong brotherly figure. 

He and Robin had such a tight bond, and you, being an only child, envied them. So when you were invited to playdates, you enjoyed every second being with them. 

The fond memories of you and Sunday supporting Robin's dreams. Sneaking into the kitchen to grab snacks without getting caught. You three grew so close, you practically were their third sibling. 

But happiness doesn't last long. The more you all grew up and followed different paths, the more distant you guys became. Of course, there are still attempts to meet up, but it was difficult. Most of the time, you were left behind with Sunday, the man you called big brother. 

Could you really call him that anymore though? He made little effort to keep ties with you. Check in on you. You understand that him and Robin obviously had a closer bond. Therefore, he'd pay more attention to her, but you? It's like he was trying to erase you from his life. 

No. That's not right. He distances himself from you and lets you fall into loneliness. Yes, that's true. But then why does he keep coming back every time you're at your breaking point? 

“What's wrong? You can always tell me anything. I am your big brother, after all.” 

It's the same thing every time. 

He asks you what's wrong. You break down. He consoles you. Then leaves and the cycle repeats. And every time you refuse to talk, he'll manipulate your emotions to speak and cause you to break down even more. 

Why would a big brother do this to his younger sibling? 

You couldn't take the emotional hurt anymore. It's like he just sees this as a game. He always uses the big brother card on you knowing it's your weakness. 

Things get worse though. Of course they do. 

You caught news that Robin has been found dead. That can't be right. It can't. You loved Robin as if she were your actual sister. Why did she die?? 

So here you are. Walking to the estate where Sunday should be. Why are you even going to him? You should be distancing yourself and be grieving alone. As much as he emotionally hurts you, you still care about him. As much as he abandons you, you always come back. 

As soon as you make it through his office doors, someone aggressively grabs you by the shoulders and backs you up to the nearest wall. 

It's Sunday. 

He's shaking, breathing hard, clearly angry, but hurt above all. He rests his head on your shoulder, still holding you but with less force. 

You've never seen him like this before. In the past, you'd occasionally see tiny outbursts when he couldn't get things the way he wanted, but he never displayed this much emotion near you. 

“...Don't leave me too” he said in a shaky voice, but you couldn't catch that. All you could hear was your heartbeat from the adrenaline of suddenly being forced against a wall. 

Out of genuine care you still held for him, you embraced him. He stiffened up but soon accepted it. 

No matter how much you regretted ever calling him big brother, no matter how much it hurt when he abandoned you, you couldn't find it within your heart to leave and move on. 

Comforting him was clearly a mistake. For out of fear he'd lose his only other sibling, he imprisoned you in a spare room in his estate. 

He still had to keep up appearances so you'd constantly be left alone repeatedly. The cycle repeats itself again. He'll come back home and comfort you for leaving you alone for so long, then leave again for a long period of time. 

You'd never escape. You had so many insecurities and were so emotionally constipated. Sunday made things worse. He just had to keep you somewhere where he knew he couldn't lose track of you and possibly lose you just like Robin.

You still loved him. You always would. And he in return would offer you the type of love you never got from your actual family, even if it was just for a bit. 

To you, he was your beloved older brother no matter what.

[homunculus-argument]

sorry to add this on, but what if I hurted them aswell?

everyone makes mistakes I tell myself but yet hatred and spite and shame clears my brain. I made mistakes and realized but why is forgiving so hard? the thought of being a villain in someone’s story is so fearing and something I never want. should I forgive ? What if I’m not forgiven. what if I’m in the wrong.. the bad one even

thank you for answering my other one. Your words so well placed and I resonate with your work heavily.❤️

It's like when you get physically hurt: The pain is there to tell you to not do that again. Continuing to fret over it is like letting the fire alarm keep blaring after you already put out the fire. You screwed up, you know that now, and you know you're not doing that again. Forgiveness is a gift that's only given freely, without pressure, and if aknowledging where you messed up and letting them know you learned from it won't prompt them to forgive you, then the lesson you got is "don't treat the next one like this", assuming that you really did do them wrong for real.

You're always going to be a villain in someone else's story. There are complete fucking strangers out there who think that I have the moral obligation to kill myself and that the people who love me are wrong for not pushing me that way. There's always going to be someone who thinks that whatever you're doing is wrong. That's why you have to learn to ask yourself: Who got hurt by what I did? What could I have done to avoid that?

And then you tell the person that you unwittingly hurt that it wasn't your intention and you now know better than to do that again. And if you can't point to a specific person who was hurt by your actions, or think of anything else that you could have done instead that could have avoided this, then it is simply not your fucking problem.

[dangans-ur-ronpas]

saw ur vents abt dungeon meishi and while I haven’t read the series yet or watched the anime I have seen bits and pieces and already saw the blowup scene where Toshiro attacks Laois and like. even I with zero context didn’t totally hate him. It sucks majorly that it had to happen but like. Toshiro is going through his own shit and plenty of other characters ALSO don’t like Laois! I think people just see that scene and project the amount of times that’s happened to them with someone in real life, which like. I get it. I’m autistic and reading that scene hit like a gut punch bc it was something I had experienced directly in real life: trying to be friends with someone, thinking you are friends, only for them to reveal one day that they couldn’t stand you and hated your guts from day one. You wonder why the fuck they pretended and let you hurt even worse than outright initial rejection. You wonder why they’d put themselves through enduring you. It makes you feel like you can’t trust anyone, makes you feel like utter shit. I 100% get why it bothers people. But you can’t project real life people you experienced onto this character that does not align at all except for this one moment. Also knowing about the author, she probably put that in on purpose as commentary for how autistics in Japan generally have to go through shit like this bc of the way their social culture is. She’s made plenty of autistic commentaries before, I doubt she stuck that scene in there for no good reason. The fact that Toshiro kept quiet and didn’t say anything until he couldn’t take it anymore is VERY indicative to me of the ways Japan’s typical social system is a struggle on all sides. Not to say these are problems unique to Japan, but the nuance needs to be understood. Toshiro isn’t being a dick just for the sake of it. I want to read it sometime so I can better understand the guy, but I don’t want to hate him based on one scene where he was an asshole. Laois is an asshole plenty of times himself, being very overtly written as autistic doesn’t absolve him from the responsibilities of being an adult.

TLDR: People tend to infantilize Laois and demonize Toshiro, which comes down to the prejudices preconceived for both of them: people see Laois, as an autistic man, as an innocent sweet guy who needs to be protected. They see Toshiro, as an Asian man, as someone who should be “polite and honorable” or whatever and are appalled when he acts like a fallible human being and not some appropriation of a fictional romanticized samurai. I understand feeling betrayed and angry seeing a character be a genuine asshole about something (social expectation does not completely absolve Toshiro of his own antagonizations however much of a reason he had) but when it’s so damn one sided, and especially in a series where almost NO one is without complete asshole qualities that round them out, I find it kind of gross that people hate on him for that. Anyway. Just wanted to send a message of support and understanding. Hopefully after I read more I can offer more analysis to corroborate with you on.

100% CORRECT thank you anon

i also understand the people who are sympathizing with laios bc that scene is very easy to relate to for many autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people (i also got a cold sweat when i was watching it bc. like. having someone you thought was a friend straight up tell you there are parts of your behavior that they can't stand is one of the worst things to experience of all time, ESPECIALLY if you were only showing that behavior around them bc you thought they were your friend and you trusted them) but it's so frustrating seeing so many people have such shallow opinions about toshiro bc of it. im on hands and knees begging people to consider the characters in three dimensions and/or develop better reading comprehension because like!! toshiro's official meeting with laios's new group literally leads with 'oh his name is actually toshiro and we never knew bc our leader had a misunderstanding and microaggressed him and he was too polite to correct him' laios is not an innocent party here!! he is not an innocent uwu autistic baby he's a grown adult man with responsibilities, in that whole time he was partied with toshiro he never learned his real name!! plus using toshiro's crush on falin as a reason to hate him, falin's adolescence was spent in a school and a social setting where she was expected to mask + her being a girl also means she is expected to mask by default -> she is better at masking than laios so why are people saying that toshiro hates laios for the same traits in falin bc clearly not?? also saw one person saying 'he only likes falin because she's hot' NO HE DOES NOT HE WOULD NOT RISK HIS LIFE HEALTH AND RETAINERS IN A DUNGEON ON A FOREIGN CONTINENT FOR THE SAKE OF A WOMAN HE ONLY THOUGHT WAS SEXY!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DUNMESHI FANS THINK WITH YOUR BRAAIN

the whole fight he had with laios where laios points out that their party is more serious about finding falin and resolving everything also drives me nuts because i've seen at least one take saying that toshiro doesn't care about falin as much as team laios because of this. which yes the fact that team laios understands the importance of health in pursuit of a goal is very very important but for many cases in east asian culture (and actually any culture with emphasis on capitalism and economic growth) productivity will get valued above all else which leads to neglect of personal health, i.e: what toshiro was doing. so this is just a clown take to begin with

also interesting to me that almost every character in dunmeshi thus far has demonstrated some kind of racial bias/misconceptions (i.e: chilchuck about elves, senshi about half-foots, etcetera etcetera) and laios and falin are no exception. race and racial differences and conflict and coexistence is also one of the underlying themes in dungeon meshi, with the elves of the west being considered a major issue to many dungeon-goers and the mayor hating dwarves and having to contend with those elves, and then marcille's motive for studying black magic and even thistle's motive for being the dungeon keeper. so it's real fucking ironic that the fans are really quick and happy to demote toshiro to 'asshole side character who is bullying our autistic rep' instead of, you know, using nuance and thinking about it

tldr; dungeon meshi has great commentary on what it's like as an autistic person in society. but dungeon meshi fans are too quick to write off toshiro as an asshole japanese guy who is ableist and getting in the way of their white woman yuri, therefore helping to promote this website's enduring legacy as the piss-poor reading comprehension website

[10underoot2]

I'm here in my agony to say that discussion between Haein and Hyunwoo after he moved his stuff into the nursery will kill me with how painful it is.

They're both in so much pain it's visible there but they're unable to talk to each other about it.

'How could you move your stuff without telling me?' She's so hurt. Her tone is accusatory. She's hurt that she just emptied her unborn child's nursery and her husband decides to move away from her as well.

'You never told me you were emptying this room either.' He's pained that they've lost a much awaited child and she didn't bother consulting him before removing everything. He didn't get his closure. He's angry and upset and so hurt but he doesn't know that he needs to get through a very strongly wrought shield around her heart to have her acknowledge his pain.

'What are you getting at? Are you blaming me for the miscarriage?'

I never imagined Haein would think Hyunwoo would want to blame her. I want to cry that in her grief she failed to have enough faith in him and his love. She's hurt by his decision to move out so she takes it out on him. She's a classical study of saying something to completely annihilate the other when you're the one who's hurt.

Also, (this pained me more than anything) notice the extreme softness and absence of anger in his voice as he responds to her.

'What are you saying? I never thought that way.'

His anger and pain seeps back in when he confesses to her, 'I'm just as sad as you -'

'Don't lie. I know you want to say that it's my fault!' I wanted to yell at her to stop. I'm so sad that she let her past trauma catch up. Is that all she's thought about since she got the news of the miscarriage? That Hyunwoo would blame her? Her fears, her pain, her assumptions they all won. And they played a part in driving them apart.

'Forget it. I can't talk any sense into you.'

I think this is the most realistic line I've heard in a Kdrama. Because people do tend to in their anger and pain just give up. Hyunwoo couldn't deal with her accusing him of something he never did, he couldn't deal with her inability to listen and acknowledge his pain as well. So he walked away - it was just simpler, easier to do.

It's also reminding me of how he told her that if they lived in a closed space they would have been forced to confront each other. They were bound to hear the other cry and console the other then. When I think about the absolutely painful, lonely, cold two years that followed this, it makes me so sad.

I didn't know a minute long scene could send me in a spiral of sadness. As sad as a miscarriage is I've had immense clarity that it never implied that they could never have children. Not to dismiss their pain it's all very valid, but if they worked towards getting closure sooner they could have been so much stronger and probably could have had a child sooner. It makes me sad how the pain rendered them incapable to mend and work towards their relationship.

[ghost-bxrd]

You know, just read that prompt about Timmy quietly accepting his own death at Jason's command...

I kinda want the opposite.

I want a furious, yelling, fighting Tim, with a major broken pedestal as far as Jason is concerned.

Okay, he can get why Jason blames him, for taking the Robin suit. And maybe Bruce deserves a bit of it too.

But what he absolutely can't and won't forgive is Jason going after Dick. Especially since Dick forgives it so readily, since Dick is the one pleading for forgiveness.

Tim was there. He saw what Jason's death did to all of them. And he can't believe Jason would ever doubt Dick, that Jason would turn up to hurt him worse.

Tim being like... "You know, all the time I was trying to keep them from killing themselves, I kept telling myself, telling them, that you wouldn't want them to hurt like that. But you wanted it, didn't you? Want it. You never wanted them to heal. You never wanted them to move on. Maybe, if you had come back then, come back when B was trying to get himself killed, when Dick was catatonic curled up on your grave and trying to starve himself to death, maybe you'd have been happy at last? Or would you have decided that isn't enough either? Not enough punishment for not making you his absolute top priority for once, just once, in his life?"

And Tim going "I hate you. But I'll pretend to love you, because everyone knows Dick will choose you anytime. And I daren't leave him at your mercy."

I want post-Red Hood Jason working to earn Tim's forgiveness and trust again.

Oh yes, that’s also an interesting take! And one that (I think) comes closer to how he would react in canon. Tim is a spitfire and we love him for it 💚

And while I definitely want to explore this version of him eventually, I think it wouldn’t tie into how the Owl Song verse is set up.

Although if Owl Song does get its continuation, I think there would be some struggling on Tim’s part. Not for himself (never for himself) but for Dick and Bruce. A struggle to make Jason understand that nobody ever wanted to replace him.

In this universe, Tim wouldn’t be able to scrounge up the anger that would result in him hating Jason. Jason did too much for him to do that. He brought Tim into the family fold. Without Jason, Dick would have never accepted him. Jason, though it wasn’t his intention and he genuinely loved Tim, built the stepping stone that resulted in Tim becoming Robin.

Because any other kid trying to be Robin after Jason? Dick wouldn’t have stopped his mad pursuit for anything. Tim having “hatchling” status (ie family) is literally what saved him.

If you look deeper than surface level, the Owl Song verse is pretty twisted in its own way. And Dick could very quickly become a real monster if nobody keeps him grounded at least somewhat. With Jason gone and Bruce being someone Dick now borderline despises— yeah, it’s very lucky that Jason met Tim in school and went “must protect” and had Dick pick up on that. 🦉

[seramilla]

So when Carmilla finds a pregnant Sera in hell she takes her in arms and carries her home Sera may be two feet taller than her and pregnant but Carmilla is strong so she manages. Sera is barely awake through all of this but feels better being carried even if she isn't fully processing all Carmilla is telling her. When they get home Carmilla makes sure Sera isn't injured and deals with whatever things there are probably a few cuts and things cleans her up since the part of hell Sera had been in isn't exactly clean though what part of hell is clean gets her in clean clothes and in bed. Sera was barely awake during all of the previous stuff so the second she gets in bed she's asleep. She wakes up to find Carmilla sitting next to her she clearly hasn't slept since she found out Sera was in hell Carmilla immediately rushes out brings back some food and has Sera eat since she needs to save her strength. The two start to talk Carmilla is nervous about telling Sera about Odette and Clara because while she knows Sera needs to know about the existence of her other children Sera has gone through so much in the past few days that she's worried what a shock like that would do to her stress is very bad for her and the baby. The girls probably got told by Carmilla after she put Sera to bed who she was they got some glimpses of her when Carmilla brought her home but not a lot and Sera wasn’t awake enough to notice them. They girls are probably waiting outside the door or at least Odette is I feel she should be at least biologically three to four while Clara one to two though for demons/angels aging slower I think you could add a zero to any age and have it work. Carmilla probably waits to tell Sera the news probably when Sera is apologizing about not telling Carmilla when she found out to tell her she understands what she was thinking. She probably tells Sera she doesn't have to meet them just yet she can wait till she's recovered more of her strength but Sera doesn't want to wait she wants to meet her other children so they do and it's sweet. Sera will for the last few days get to have the pregnancy she should have had with her caring family around her to protect her take care of her and spoil her rotten.

Carmilla wouldn't have been able to find Sera without Zestial's help. Somehow, the angel had manifested nearly on the other side of the Pentagram, and when the two of them show up, Carmilla can tell Sera has seen better days. She's filthy, and exhausted, and barely able to stand on her own. She's also heavily pregnant, which the fallen angel can't even think about right now. Carmilla asks if she's okay, what she's doing here, and what happened. Sera barely answers, but the words are jumbled and unintelligible. Carmila scoops up the angel, bridal style, and Sera barely registers she's been lifted until Zestial opens a portal, and they are back at Carmilla's mansion.

Odette and Clara watch as their mother struggle to get Sera into the hallway, and around tight corridors to her bedroom. She's still carrying the taller woman, and her home wasn't meant for an angel of Sera's size. When Odette asks, "Who's that, Mama?" Carmilla tries to fake a smile, and says, "She's hurt, mija. Let me get her to bed and we can talk about it. Can you go get me a washcloth and the basin from the bathroom?" Eager to help, Odette nods that bobble-head nod that small children have, and eagerly goes to fetch the supplies her mother asks for.

It takes Carmilla a while to get Sera cleaned up. For one, the woman is officially unconscious, completely out of it, and can't do anything to help her. For another, Carmilla has nothing in her wardrobe that fits her. Sera's got a good two feet on her, and nothing beyond a pair of underwear even gets up her hips with her belly in the way. After requesting some spare robes from Zestial, the spider demon portals home, and immediately returns with the requested clothing. Carmilla thanks him profusely. He humbly takes his leave, leaving Carmilla alone with her former lover.

Odette comes with some rags and the wash basin, and while she normally wouldn't ask her girl for help, when Carmilla informs her, "She's your other mama. Will you help me?" Odette doesn't quite understand, but she also doesn't question it. Her empathetic heart knows when another person is in need, so she enthusiastically does as her mother says. She keeps the wash basin filled with fresh water, and keeps supplying her mother with fresh rags when she asks. Carmilla manages to get Sera out of her filthy robes, cleans her up with soap and water as best she can, and redresses her in Zestial's onyx robes. It's a start.

Finally, eventually, the angel starts coming to. She's still out of it, not sure where she is, but must sense she's finally in a place that's safe, because she's warm, comfortable, and clean. She sighs, partially in relief, partially in disbelief, and starts to cry. When she finally spots Carmilla at the food of the bed, she gasps.

"Carmilla...!"

Carmilla is at her side immediately. Sera is trying to sit up, against her better judgement. She can't quite get up, because her pregnant belly is in the way. Carmilla pushes her back down, one hand on her chest, and places her other hand on Sera's cheek, to soothe her frantic mind.

"Sssh, Sera, it's all right. You're all right now." Carmilla glances down once at Sera's pregnant belly. She originally didn't know how it happened, but now that Carmilla's sat with the reality of it for a while, and calculating just how long it's been since they've seen each other, she's starting to figure it out. She really should wait to bring this up later, when Sera is feeling better, but since the angel's awake now, Carmilla's curiosity gets the better of her. She...she has to know.

"Is it...is it mine?"

Sera sobs, not ready for this question, but not wanting to lie about it either. "Yes. I'm so sorry, Carmilla. Heaven forced me out once they knew. I didn't want it to happen this way, but...yes. She's yours."

"She?" Carmilla's confused. "You can tell?"

"Something inside tells me so," Sera explains, still trying to keep it together. "Especially since she's coming so soon."

"How soon?"

Sera shrugs, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "A week?"

Carmilla practically falls over at the news, and has to keep the shock out of her face. Satan, but she's got her work cut out for her now.

Sera looks past her, over to the bedroom door, and Carmilla hears two little squeaks, as she turns her head, too, and barely manages to spot Odette carrying Clara; the girls duck out of sight behind the door again.

"Carmilla..." Sera says, shocked at the brief glimpse of the children, barely able to get a good look at them before they'd bolted. "Who...are they?"

Carmilla panics. She'd almost forgotten this other little detail. Sera hadn't been the only one keeping secrets. She wants to tell her. So badly. Sera deserves to know. But she just got here. Her entire world has already changed so much, and in a matter of days, it will change once again!

She'll tell her. Carmilla will tell her they are Sera's, but right now, she needs to recover. She has work to do to prepare, and that will take time. They'll both be heavily distracted for a while. Carmilla pushes it out of her mind, and tries to change the subject.

"I'll tell you. Soon. I promise. But right now, tell me everything that's happened with you. From start to finish. Please, Sera, I need to know!"

[emeraldcitynerdfighter]

Now, Maya holds her wife as sobs racked her body, contorted her face, violently ricocheted around the small space, not caring or worrying that she might wake or distress Liam.

But without even asking, Maya knew.

This hurt would've surfaced whether or not they had Liam, and with or without Maya's offer. This hurt was a fear lying in wait. Realized in cruel circumstance.

Carina's desire for children was at the forefront of their relationship for as long as they even had a relationship.

"You want to be the one who carries."

Maya often felt pangs of curiosity and wonder at Carina's longing.

To experience the beauty she saw in creating life from nothing. To experience the pain and toils -- both physical and emotional -- of sacrificing her body.

As years passed, she slowly came to understand. It uncovered her ever-protective nature, her desire to make the world better. Bringing Liam home healed something in her she didn't know had been broken. But still wasn't enough for Carina.

Having a child was also a way to keep Andrea alive.

"Why can't I do this…" Carina's voice, broken and shrill, fighting through the sobs, wedges a dagger into Maya's chest.

She hugs Carina tighter, not caring that the damp towel is now soaking through to her t-shirt. There is nothing, truly, she can say. But she tries. She will never stop trying. "I know it isn't how you imagined it…but this isn't over yet, my love…"

Carina takes a shuddering breath and lifts her head, looking at Maya with blurry, red-rimmed eyes. "I can't make you do this…"

In between each of Carina's words, Maya's own came barreling back, trying to overpower them both.

Carina, I don't even know if I want to have kids…

Maya shakes her head, rejecting Carina's words and her own, pressing her lips to Carina's hairline.

"You're not making me do anything," she insists, just loud enough it's hard to tell who she's assuring. "This is my choice, it was my idea because this is my life, and my family. I want to do this. For us."

//

last of my kind (3887 words) by l_grace_b Chapters: 1/1 Maya and Carina take the next steps. // A 7.05 continuation.

[anaalnathrakhs]

im not saying its WORSE or anything but having permissive parents is also an incredibly weird kind of leash. i CAN do anything i want technically, and they'll accept it, but they'll also shit their pants in fear if i do anything but go to school and hang out downtown until 6pm. one time my mom INSISTED to come get me with the car less than a full kilometer away from home bc she was scared for me. and here i was, in my sluttiest outfit, sitting in my mom's car at 1am, because of course mother cannot go to sleep if the child is not back in the nest for tonight. i have a door to the outside in my room, i have the key, i can leave anytime i want. but i remember when i was fully nocturnal and i'd return from a little walk in the neighborhood at 5am and my mom would just look at me like i just told her i swallowed the whole medicine cabinet. i dont want to hurt my parents. i also dont want to be providing a detailed roadmap of everything i intend to do while out. that's what i mean when i say i feel like moving out would fix me.

[fisheito]

my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled

OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY

[cuntwrap--supreme]

My mom's on the phone with the incredibly hate-filled second cousin of my youngest two siblings. I come in the room to ask her to be quiet because I'm trying to find watch Drawfee - which is important, ok? She's been up there discussing how it's bad that there are so many POC (editing this because she used slurs) on airplanes and how she's scared they'll bomb her, and when I go up they've moved to pronouns of all things. I go to pet the cat, waiting for a time to interject, and she says, "Oh, hold on, I'll ask [Leon]. Hey, what do you think about certain airlines just winning the right to pronouns for anyone, regardless of what they are?"

And I'm just like, "I could not possibly care less, and I don't see how you care."

To which she replies, "Well, I'm sorry that I understand biology and know there's only man and woman!"

And I say: "Sure, if you're looking at biology from an elementary school perspective, there is only male and female. But anyone with an education in the subject knows that there's a massive variety in how people are, and there's more than enough evidence to show that someone's perceived birth sex and the way they think about their own self is not always the same. But again: Why does this matter to you? Who is it hurting if someone wants to go by Twig and use xe/xer pronouns? Because I'd love to hear who this hurts."

And this dumb bitch she has one the phone demands to be put on speaker because she could hear me, has me reiterate "for her clarification" (said in the condescending way Matt Walsh might), and says, "Here's the thing, sweetie. There's man and there's woman. That's how God made us. You can live in a fantasy, but you can't deny that."

I say: "You're ignorant on purpose. God doesn't exist. Your kids will hate you in fifteen years' time because you force them to wear political shirts to school, shirts they're too young to understand."

And she says to my mom, "Oh, god! I see what you mean about having lost that one! She's one of the faggots now!"

And my mom just agreed? And says she's disappointed that she's "losing me." Then asks if I think she's wrong for her opinions and I'm like.. yeah? I tell you this all the time? I'll mention a Mexican guy I work with and suddenly it's "I hate all the immigrants." She'll see a commercial with two women getting married and it's "I can't believe those people are allowed to exist." Like. Of course I think she's a dumb bitch.

And this dumber bitch on the phone goes, "Shell, let it go. She's too far gone. Might as well just disown that one!" And she's taken off speaker and they start talking shit about me with me right the hell there. I said, loud enough that this chick could hear, "You're a sad dumb cunt and I hope all your kids are faggy and you die mad about it."

My mom's trying to force me to apologize now. I had "conceded," only to get on the phone and tell her I hope she accidentally shoots herself to death with one of her like 300 rifles, then said I'd call DCS on her if I knew where she lived.

Anyway. I may be violent, but I'm not in the wrong here, and no one can convince me otherwise. It's been like 5 minutes, they're still talking shit about me. And, like, my mom wonders why I don't share shit about myself with her and why I think she's a bad person. Hmm... Maybe it's because her best friend (who shared her views, just more extreme) is someone who likes to larp as an advocate for freedom while simultaneously believing things such as "only whites should be in America," "liberals shouldn't have the right to vote," and "the fags need to be exterminated." I fucking wonder.

[eorzeashan]

I keep forgetting Eight is SIS a lot of the time because I could never decide if it was the right path for him or not and most of his interactions with Jonas were outright failures that only made him even more disinterested, but then Theron comes into the picture again. And of course that is a point of deliberation.

Theron feels a responsibility towards him after KOTXX for not realizing sooner that Eight was just following Lana's orders to an obedient T not out of his own personal desire or will, but the simple need to repay a life debt, a fact which escapes most of the Alliance and even Lana herself despite it directly opposing his usual behavior. As the kind of person who has to save those in front of him whether they like it or not, this guilts Theron immensely not only for being a part of the blind crowd but enabling a violent warmongering path for Eight that he realizes now may not have been Eight's wish after all, that he'd pegged him all wrong-- and worse, treated him like so.

Eight himself cares very little at this point whether Theron treats him favorably or not. He was here to be used, and he was used. It's the way he's always lived. For a time he might've had the small hope to understand Theron and Lana during SoR, but that faded very quickly come KOTXX. He lived the same way during Intelligence with the added benefit that he did care for those people as they cared for him, but it never removed the stain of the dirty business he'd permanently undertaken, only made it more acceptable as part of his life and not treated like dirty laundry the way the Alliance did.

Theron latches on to the small thought that they could've been different if he'd only tried to get to know Eight, and out of a desire to make things right in his mind, starts attempting to extend the proverbial olive branch even though it's an awkward and uncomfortable attempt that feels too little too late. He has to do something, and try as he might he's not the kind of guy who cuts people loose to stay out in the cold. And maybe part of that is residual guilt for not protecting the Sixth Line and Master Surro, his repeated failure to be responsible for those under his command. Eight is essentially his last chance to prove he can do right by others, even when they share no common ground or bond. It's the barren ground of their relationship that makes him want to try, even if he shouldn't be using him as his own redemption.

Somehow this results in Theron making it a personal point to be involved in Eight's life from them on after, SIS included: unofficially, he stays as his handler. He prides himself secretly on the notion that Eight seems to like Jonas even less than him, which is legendary given Eight's notoriously aloof attitude (but not much to brag about from an outside perspective) and the SIS more or less doesn't give a womp rat's ass whether Theron meddles as long as the ex-Imperial agent stays on a short leash, and that's.. fine with him. Theron wouldn't have asked regardless.

Still, he tries. Hopes at the very least he can keep the SIS' use of him to a bare minimum so what happened in the Alliance can never happen again, optimistic as that is. Checks on him often enough that it looks like they're officially assigned to one another, and even lets him go in and out of his own apartment as he pleases (Eight gets his own. as usual, he doesn't care for it much and it still makes Theron antsy that he'll come to it one day and find it completely abandoned, so this is fine).

Eight doesn't say much. Comments that the life is fine when asked, doesn't watch the holos but idly listens when he puts it on. Does his work and doesn't when he's off the clock. When asked about how he feels killing Imps, it makes Theron's blood run cold when Eight casually says that was his only job over there too.

Theron buys him some street food in an attempt to make something different. At the very least, Eight says it's better than rations.

[smfstump]

.

[goldentigerfestival]

god i just. the sheer fucking hurt in his voice. feeling so used. so untrusted. had a bounty on his head that wasn't even his fault and he still won't be told him the truth and estelle, too, still hides things from him after he helped her and they'd been traveling together. not only that, but the empire is too busy having its own internal issues to pay attention to its own suffering people.

i hate seeing him so upset, that's my baby boy.

more feelings in the tags

[royalberryriku]

// personal, uuuh kind of a vent but idk? Maybe more of just a general ask to the void of whoever happens to read it; How Does Friendship-ing Work? And the whole Is This Normal Or Just A Me Thing with this social thing that could be normal or may be not normal.

I know it's relatively normal for people to just grow apart or for friendships to break away based on one drama or another, but I've noticed recently that it's just... Really common for people I've met to eventually have some issue either someone else and for groups I'm in to break apart really easily, even like regardless of me being there or not I mean. It's happened quite a lot and I wonder if it's just me, "people these days" as in just how friends are in modern society with internet and all the expectations from it, or if it's actually normal?

Does anyone else have experience with that? As in, a reoccurring thing where people in friend groups you are in have some sort of drama between a few people which leads to everyone never talking again or falling out regardless of whether or not you're involved or even knew of said drama?

For example, I had this group of friends I talked to a lot online (we were a part of a larger group) and we ended up becoming really close but eventually people in that group had their own issues with each other and everyone stopped socialising because things got awkward for those who weren't involved. Like, this exact this I've found is weirdly common for me, a lot of friend groups I've been in have had this happen to some degree and idk how to approach it? It probably doesn't help that I'm really bad at social stuff and knowing when I'm oversharing or being too quiet or saying stuff that's socially inappropriate (like saying or asking stuff that is insensitive but you don't realise until after you've said it that it was pushy or too much), or understanding when people want you to shut up or when they want you to step in or anything in between. Basically, I'm just lost on all this and still trying to understand if this is A Normal Social Thing That Happens to Groups of People A Bunch, or if it's a unique issue or... Idk.

Basically! I don't really know how to address this happening yet again or who in said friend group I should even speak to if at all? Like do you just leave it and wait for people to short out their own stuff, or would that be considered you being a bad and neglectful friend?? Would involving yourself make you nosy? Or would it be seen as you being caring? Would backing off being the better option? Would talking to certain people make others thing you're betraying them and picking sides??? I literally can never tell what thing is the Right Social Thing™ to do so I just kinda either sit there and wait, trying not to make anything worse, or ask around and see if at least showing that I genuinely mean well and care helps at all (sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't and makes stuff worse, but so does the former sometimes). Also. I do have this thing where I speak without thinking and make things worse before I get to that part which probably makes this even harder because people probably are already feeling horrible from whatever stuff happened between them and when you know nothing at all, you don't know how tf to act. Or what to say or do or anything at all really.

For now, I'm gonna keep writing my stories, reading my books and doing my best but damn. Is there some sort of?? idk?? A way to avoid this stuff or is it normal or what?? Again, idk.

[stromblessed]

Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows

In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.

If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.

So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.

I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?

However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.

Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)

And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.

Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.

It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.

Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?

While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:

She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.

You see where I'm going with this.

When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:

And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD

When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.

MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS

No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.

And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:

Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!

The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.

And, uh

Yeah.

I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.

But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.

Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:

But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.

There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.

After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:

"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.

Kind of like another bird in this show: