#i can't wait to go to physical therapy. it won't fix me but it can't make me worse.

[tea-earl-grey]

i know the answer is just that i have a disability but i don't understand how people knit without hurting themselves.

[onyaki]

"such a needy boy"

c. strife

such a needy boy who won't let his needs be met. he's a boxer and you're his doctor. physical therapy, bruises, cuts, gashes, you take care of whatever he asks for. usually he doesn't ask he just barges right into your clinic asking for you to fix him up. one night after one of his matches you notice he doesn't come in. you can clearly see from the stands that he's injured. bruises and a bloody nose, yet he refuses to have you help him by never coming in. but he's too easy to read.

"cloud." you ring his phone, after his coach called to make sure he had come in after his match, as his coach said he seemed unusually distant, seems to have something on his mind.

"why'd you call, you have no reason too." he's just getting out the shower, his hairs wet and a towel wrapped around his waist. he's sore, not supposed to be though he didn't go to physical therapy with you like he was supposed to.

"whaaat, I can't call a patient? im joking. you didn't come in today and your coach called me to make sure if you did and I had to tell him no. you've never missed a day what's wrong?" you tease him and he has a internal reaction, face heating up just slightly, muscles tense just a bit.

"no response? reacting in the way you don't like?" as his doctor you're supposed to study his reactions he's felt like this before and hates the reaction his body gives.

"anyway. come over, you're beat up I need to make sure nothing's broken. your coach will kill me if you come in too hurt tomorrow for practice."

"right now?" he finally says something.

"yes right now. who cares how late it is, don't come to the clinic come to my place. I cleaned up just for you, it's nice over here promise." your place is nice, the tv speakers playing music low, the low hanging lights above you island just dimmed enough to see the counter. the dim accent lights from your room making the entrance to your room visible.

"just come over. I need to examine you, make sure nothing's broken."

"alright." he's already gotten his clothes on, right when you told him he could come over he'd dropped his phone on the bed, putting you on speaker, listening to your voice from afar.

"I'll see you soon cloud."

he shows up at your front door, soaking wet.

"it's raining? and you walked? why didn't you have your driver take you?"

"why? im capable of walking aren't I?"

"you are. you're a boxer capable of many things. I'll get you a change of clothes, feel free to shower I'll get you towel."

"thank you."

"we're doing manners today? you never say thank you." your voice disappearing into the hall as you grab a towel. "what's going on with you today? got something in your mind?" you walk back up to him with a change of clothes, a towel and a rag. "don't smell like ass, I won't examine you like that."

shit, he thought. he's been feeling a little needy all day. he even let himself get beat up during his match. so you had to touch him, you are his doctor, you fix him, bandage him, but there's plenty of other things you could do for him.

"needa get my head out of the gutter." he mumbles to himself.

"hm?" you tease, knowing whatever he just said wasn't for you to hear. "the bathroom is the second door down the hall, I'll be waiting on the couch." cloud walks past you his towel and clothes in hand, and you make your way over to the couch.

--

"done?" he came out with his towel on his head to dry his hair. you get up from the couch, walking towards your kitchen counter.

"yeah."

"sit on the counter."

"why there?"

"it's so much easier to examine you when you're not sitting where I have to work 10 times harder to even look at you. so just sit here. plus id rather be able to talk to you as well rather than just examine you, and talking to you while your on the ground is weird makes me think you're dead," you laugh a bit, and he smiles slightly.

"so, what hurts?" you question before touching.

"nothing."

"if nothing hurts I wouldn't be a doctor. now what hurts."

"my back," he sighs not wanted to admit his pain

"and..?"

"my chest."

"annnndd..?"

"that's it I swear, that's where I mostly I got hit today." he shifts in his spot, fidgeting a bit.

"your match was looked a little, off I guess I don't know how to describe it."

"I let myself get hit."

"you wanted to see me that bad?" you question, teasing a bit. he's quiet. "im joking, don't be cold and take your shirt off,"

he pulls his shirt off and as your about to touch he stops you grabbing your wrist, and pulling you closer to him. "you really don't know why im here, would any of your other patients really come over just to get an examination?"

"I don't know any who would," the two of you almost as close as you can be, your waist pressing on the counter between his legs, you wrist being pulled by cloud, and your faces so close together that you could've kissed him. "but I also don't know any of my patients who are as needy as you are. you don't think ive realized how needy you are whenever you come in? you sit down and you do everything you can to make me be touchy and teasing."

"the whole point was for you to notice." he closes the distance between you and him, touching on your waist, slipping his hands under your shirt to feel some skin.

"such a needy boy." you tease, and he lets go of your wrist, putting both hands on your waist. he leans in, kissing your neck, nipping at the skin. you squirm in his hands, almost asking for more.

"admit it, admit how needy you are."

"I really need to admit it after kissing your neck like that?"

you get close to his ear, grining. "yeah, that's what I want." your voice gets breathy, and he gets touchier. "talk to me, tell me how needy you are."

"hm, i'm not one to just tell you." he says leaning in to kiss your neck. he takes your hands putting them around his neck. as your hands rest he leans in a little more, kissing your neck even more. covering you in bruises just like the ones he has on his chest from his matches. "you look good bruised. we should switch places one day, im sure id be a good doctor"

you attempt to bite back but he hikes up your shirt. "bite down." unfortunately for you, your tough act falls down and you do as he says. with your shirt in your mouth you stuggle to whimper and moan, his cold hands slowly pawing around your body, you look him in the eyes with an annoyed look seeing how much he's teasing you "don't look at me like that, it's not my fault you tease me so much," he whispered.

you let go of your shirt, whimpering a little from his touch. "it is your fault, you're so easy to tease."

"am I still easy to tease as im touching and kissing you all over?"

"a little less easy,"

"yeah? well im about to make it a lot harder." he pushes you off of him, getting down from the counter, tugging you back to him by your wrist, shoving you between him and the ledge of your counter. "don't touch there." you decided it would be a good idea to touch on his bruises, if he's gonna bruise and bite you, might as well return the favor.

"shit–" his voice breathy and his grip on you starting to loosen. "trying to kill me?" a sense of pain shocks him a bit, and an unexpected wave of pleasure. you take your hand palming at his dick. he huffs, his shoulders collapsing into you, his head resting on your shoulders.

"easy to tease, easy to pleas–!" he takes his hands, from your waist, trailing his hands to your cunt.

"if you're gonna be bogus, we'll both have to be a hot mess."

[rabbitindisguise]

it's late but I'm getting all worked up before bed because I had weird test results and they just didn't do anything!!!!!!!!!! not even a "everything looks normal" just "weird weird okay I'm leaving" sometimes even leaving the room before I could be like "Wait hold up"

frankly I think it's probably wise to ask for someone to go to an appointment with me to quickly get all the referrals I need and tests done that make sense given my symptoms but it's a bit short notice for an agency for patient representatives (who mostly get second opinions, and I'd need to figure out insurance for that) and everyone else has like School or Work and stuff

and like I'm mad enough about this stuff that I can do some self advocacy running off of pure anger but 1) I don't want to sabotage the somewhat decent relationships I have with my doctors and 2) as much as I joke that this is my full time job I'm seriously underqualified and it's stressful as hell when I'm alone in a room with a person who basically has my life in their hands. I was mostly adjusting to the idea that if there was a problem someone would do something, but ever since the seriously concerning bloodwork has come back I haven't heard a peep. It's like they think because I'm up and talking I'm somehow healthy as if I haven't personally done a hip reduction multiple times by myself- because they don't believe it ever happened, though even when presented with test results they don't seem to wake up until you repeatedly shake them into sense

Therapists have a lot of problems and the patient/therapist relationship has the thorny bit where they can have you institutionalized against your will, but doctors can both do that AND cause problems through negligence. I have more self respect from therapists than I ever will from how I get treated by doctors because they are capable of treating people like equals.

And like I can't do my best work when I'm like physically a mess because I acted on the advice they gave me and I can't hold anyone responsible for it without going through the effort I should be saving for repairing my health. People ignore me when I basically present my symptoms on a silver platter and don't do anything when I tell them to do stuff that they assume I don't want. It's infuriating.

It's also really frustrating watching people go through their own health struggles and feeling like I'm helpless and giving the wrong advice. I feel like my answer should always be to fight it every step until you're sure it's fine but money is Such an issue and also going to so many appointments can cause problems that are nebulous and unclear, hospital to hospital, system to system. I have no idea how to correctly go to the doctor or if there even is such a thing! People have been giving me advice but there is no fix, I'm never seeing the same person, I'm shuffled off from one person to the next and they won't even agree that I'm disabled to sign my forms one entire year later and I did all the things I'm supposed to the letter

I'm doing my stool sample tomorrow and calling to schedule more appointments. I'm messaging my neurologist to follow up on cluster headaches and an MRI, talking about my problems with emgality, and asking about why my prescription is currently in limbo. I'm going to call the nurse line to see what I should do about the test results, schedule an appointment with my actual specific PCP, and start typing up the ungodly level of paperwork I need to create for the next appointment and a treatment plan based on my symptoms. And then as a treat next friday I'm going to tell my story to my therapist to explain why I haven't been doing the therapy stuff I want to be doing this week instead of trying to do it and failing -_-

The main things I need to figure out is if 1) one of my prescriptions is causing this 2) if there's any possibility there is actually a bacteria infection 3) what other things I could have symptoms of 4) what intermediate treatment options I have between now and the endoscopy for the Problems

eventually I'm going to have to type up a bunch of treatment guidelines for MCAS and surgery so I'll need to get a consult through my doctor and a bunch of papers through the EDS support groups if I can. Plus all the documentation for my RFC form, citations from my doctors notes, records requests from tufts, my previous hospitals, and get my password recovered for an online portal/records request if I can't.

and in the meantime I'm going to have to sleep. Ugh. I know I procrastinated on laundry but it's like. How am I supposed to do all the things? how is anyone supposed to do all the things??? I see all the work people have to put into being people and it's a wonder any of us are moderately functional. I want to be physically stable enough that I can have good, positive, and stable relationships with the people I care about. And we have plans this weekend ;-; and I still haven't edited the wedding photos OTL

Edit: this is the part where my therapist/housemates tell me I'm not responsible for literally all the things and I should rest and where i remind myself that thinking I have to fix everything is also in and of itself a type of grandiosity *sigh* baby steps

[toomanysurveys9]

it's been awhile.

1. Who was the last person you forgave? How long did it take you to forgive them? Probably Jacob. He's kind of been an asshole lately, although I haven't exactly been a walk in the park either.

2. Is going mushroom hunting in the woods something that would interest you? Can't say that it is.

3. What is your favorite junk food? How about your favorite health food? Favorite junk food is probably cheesecake or ice cream lately. Favorite health food is probably fruit lately. I've really been wanting watermelon.

4. Are you listening to anything right now? Do you normally listen to music while you take surveys? Not currently, no.

5. What were you doing the last time you hung out with a friend? Uhhh. Just hung out and talked I guess. It was Jacob's sister and her boyfriend(?)/the father of her baby.

6. Is there anything about you that might cause others to dislike you? People complain I'm too quiet a lot. And have my entire life. I sometimes think that makes them think I'm stuck up or something.

7. Is there anything you’re really particular or specific about, anything that has to be done a certain way every time? I don't know these days. I'm pretty particular about my kids and how people care for them if that counts?

8. Are there any chores you need to get done today? I really need to put my family's laundry away. Again. But that will probably have to wait until tomorrow.

9. Where was the last place you went shopping and what did you buy? Uhm. I guess it was Walmart. I bought Jacob snacks that he wanted and a few things to take for lunch for me this week to go with my dad's chili.

10. What was the last big change you made to your physical appearance? Well, I'm almost 24 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby so there's that. That's a pretty big physical change.

11. Are you more likely to shut people out of your life or try to fix things no matter what? I definitely do both depending on who it is and the situation.

12. Where was the last place you went out to eat? Is going out something you enjoy or would you rather cook at home? Jake and I went to Chili's on Saturday night. We were supposed to go to Olive Garden with our littles, but he ditched us because evidently, he had to help someone with their car instead. By the time he was done, our babies had eaten but I had not yet.

13. If you have any pets, do they seem to notice when you’re sick or sad? I have two dogs and a cat and I think they absolutely notice. They are always more cuddly and protective.

15. Is anything you’ve done lately going to matter in a year?   I hope so. I'm currently in the internship portion of grad school (which isn't going super stellar, but it is what it is) but hopefully it leads to me finishing my degree and becoming a therapist.

16. What was the subject of your last phone call? Jake was asking where Wyatt's medicine was because he actually helped me with the kiddos a little bit this morning.

17. Are your hobbies something you’d rather do alone or with others? I feel like most of my hobbies are ones I prefer doing alone, such as reading or watching TV. However, if my kiddos want to cuddle me while I read or watch TV, I definitely won't complain.

18. Is there anything about yourself that you’re trying to improve? I have plans to improve my overall health, especially after little girl is born.

19. What are you doing today? I got Eliana up and ready for preschool, and then took Wyatt to his school after I got him around. Obviously got myself around after I got them around, and I went to work until 2 today after dropping Wyatt off at school. Then I picked Wyatt off and dropped him off at home before coming to my internship site because they are having me shadow/provide co-therapy with another therapist here. I have one more client (on my own via telehealth) from 6:30-7:30 pm and then I need to stop by the store on my way home to get new headphones for Wyatt for school. When I get home, I'll probably eat a bowl of cereal and throw laundry in the washer, and then go to bed. Because tomorrow will be another busy day with getting kiddos up and where they need to be, work, OB appointment (have to do my glucose test), putting laundry away, and then supervision through my school from 8:30 pm until 11 pm. I can't wait to be done with school.

20. What did you dream about last night? I don’t remember.

21. When was the last time you visited relatives? Do you see extended family often? We visited my brother Saturday night and ended up spending the night and spent all day Sunday at his house too. Which is nice because we haven't really got to do that in so long with his work schedule as an EMT.

22. What was the last relaxing thing you did? I took a nap in my office before the co-therapy appointment. It wasn't very comfortable, but I needed the sleep.

23. Will this weekend be better than last weekend? I doubt it. I have a presentation to put together to present next Tuesday.

24. When was the last time you were there for a friend? I was there for my sister this weekend if that counts... and my parents too.

25. Do you have any jewelry you almost never take off? My suicide awareness bracelet for Justin.

26. What are some of your favorite words? I don't know.

27. Do you have any journals from when you were younger? If so, do you ever go back and read them? I probably do. But I don't think I would want to read them again.

28. Are there any holidays you used to celebrate, but no longer do? Not really.

29. What was the last occasion for which you dressed up? I don't remember. I don't dress up very often.

30. Is there anything you wish you could say to anyone? Oh yeah. A lot of things to quite a few people.

[in-all-ways-always]

9/15/23

J,

Well, that's almost two straight years that my world fell apart. I guess that's it. All of that, for nothing, for me to be damaged more than the way I came in. I have to fix all the damage inflicted on me by everything that happened to me last year, and everything you've done to me. I feel like I lost a person I didn't know, my perception of you completely shattered. I loved you, more than life itself. You were my light, my North Star. I'm mourning for someone that almost feels like never existed. Was it real? Was that man real? Was the love real? Please tell me it was, tell me everything was real.

Why couldn't you love me? Why wasn't I ever enough? I don't want to share; I refuse to go along with it anymore. It's not fair to me, I shouldn't have to go along with your way, just to keep you in my life. I could no longer continue to be happy. I'm scared you'll never change, not just your promiscuous ways, but in the way you treat me, handle me, talk to me. I know disagreements and arguments will never be avoidable, but there are ways to handle them without hurting the other person. You say the most hurtful things and it feels like it's with intent to hurt me, like it's honestly really how you feel, and you found the perfect moment to lay it on me. The things you said about me on your twitter, and then to turn around and lie and say, "I was baiting you." Or that you were trying to teach me a 'lesson' and that I shouldn't be 'snooping.' I can't figure out what's worse, you baiting me, or you lying to me about how you really feel? Own up to it, 'stick to your guns' as you told me yesterday. Stand on everything you ever felt about me, said to me and said about me.

I can't continuously keep giving so much of myself to you and get hardly anything in return. You have no idea how much of myself I poured into this. I loved you beyond anything you could imagine. It's killing me to walk away right now, but it's killing me to stay. You don't care, you don't, no matter how much you say it, or think that you show it. A man that loves me would never put me in a position of having to share them. A man that truly loves me would never seek out anything from anyone else that I don't already give him. I give you so much love, attention, affection, intimacy, and it's never enough. Is one person ever going to be enough for you? I was never like this, acting out in the way that I did, never. You silenced me so much, made me hold so much in. What did you think was gonna happen? I turned into this ticking time bomb. You think that me working on myself and getting well is gonna make it easier for me to tolerate all the shit you say and do? It won't, it's only gonna make me see more and more that you do not love me, you don't value me or respect me. While yes, I'm working on myself for me, I did it to help us. I wish you cared enough to do the same, I beg you that you go to therapy, get help. You were so willing to pay for my therapy just so I could get help, why can't you do the same for yourself.

I bought myself a ticket to 3TEETH. We always talked about how we'd go see them whenever they would announce a show. They finally do, and we're no longer together. I wonder if you'll be there, I'm so scared you'll bring someone with you. Knowing full well what that would do to me. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

This is hurting me, mentally and physically. I never pictured this would happen, you were such a huge part of my world, my future. I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. And all I keep replaying in my head is that day a few weeks back, when we were laying in your bed. I couldn't get over how much I loved you, I couldn't stop looking at you, admiring you. I thought to myself, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life, waking up to this man every single day, and going to sleep with this man every single night." Then I asked you, do I get to wake up to this every single day? You said yes, and my god you do not understand or even know the gravity of how happy that made me. I kept repeating to you 'I can't believe I get to spend the rest of my life waking up to this' and asking you repeatedly 'do I really get to wake up to this for the rest of my life?' I want to scream and rip out my hair right now just thinking about it, typing it up. Because it's gone! I fucking hate this, I hate it so fucking much! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! You were supposed to be mine and I yours! Why did you do this to me?! You gave me these dreams, this vision of a better life, a better future, a life with you, and you took them from me!

Where do I go from here? I'm so lost. I wish you would've never pushed me away, and most importantly I wish you would've never let me go so easily.

If we never find our way back to each other, please learn from this, from everything, me, your past relationships. And I hope that you use all of that to treat the next one better. The way me and anyone else deserved to be treated.

I love you.

-S

[aercnaut-archived]

mood drop. heavy vent below.

last february, my mom had a stroke. my father waited four days to take her to see anyone to get her checked out. he lied to everyone about his reasoning to a point where no two people got the same story of why he waited. he texted people as her to claim she was fine (she couldn't even hold her fucking phone.) after the fact he complained about having to take her to physical and speech therapy and implied he wasn't going to take her because "they won't fix her."

didn't matter, because a month later, she had a pulmonary embolism and died march 15th. the whole time my father made it about him even though it was his medical neglect that killed her. he still doesn't think he did anything wrong. he's always been an abusive dickhead, and i need to go no contact with him as soon as he's bored of hoarding my mom's stuff.

he didn't even get her a tombstone. there was no funeral. no celebration of life. i still haven't received her ashes. at this point, i don't even think i will. there was no peaceful resolution, or even being able to go no contact with him. no gathering of friends and family to celebrate her. just one day she's here, the next she's not, and that was it. he didn't even let other people do a funeral. its like she never existed.

why is all of this relevant? i thought i'd healed from it until i came across a series on t.iktok called "lets not rot" where a woman in a very similar circumstance talks about how, after her mom was killed by her dad, she just rotted and the series is her breaking those habits and trying to stop rotting.

basically, i realized i'm still rotting. i thought i was okay, but looking at myself right here, right now, i'm not better. i'm not fine. its been over a year and i'm still fucking angry. i still barely touch my hobbies. i haven't healed. i can't afford a therapist and i have no idea what to do about this. i'm very suddenly aware of the rot and the parts of me the rot has eaten and i have no idea what to do.

anyways, i'll try to be on later.

[toloveandbelovedtoo]

Day 7: tears

This one is coming a little early today. Its been a week since I started this exploration and there's been so many emotions and feelings each day. Saturday I felt exhausted, I felt done, I didn't want to feel like this anymore and was fighting with my head that we needed to keep going, that this pain and discomfort was temporary. Sunday I felt so anxious in that yoga class and holding onto so many emotions that I've been working through the last however long.

I had feelings of understanding on Sunday. Understanding that I am worthy of love, that I am loved, I felt that love that I receive from so many people. I expressed my understanding and feelings to my friends that day. I didn't cry on Saturday and managed to get a little out on Sunday. I knew there was going to be a big release and I think there will be many more as I continue down this path of healing. Right now I'm laying in my bathroom my head resting on a squishmallow and covered in a small blanket while I hold a seal stuffie. I cried a lot before writing this and I'm shaking as I type.

I felt anxious for the last few hours, thinking I was responsible for someone's own sad emotions. I was worried I had hurt someone I care for and trying to think of how to fix it and make it better. The person never expressed to me that I was the cause of anything they were feeling. As far as I'm aware, I haven't done anything to claim responsibility for my actions and I know that I can't make assumptions, I have to wait until someone tells me something I did or said hurt them.

Growing up, I felt like I was responsible for the emotional well-being of the people around me. I needed to ensure my mother was happy, because if she was happy then the house could be at peace. I had to make sure my twin was happy, because if she wasn't, she might physically hurt herself. I carried that weight on my back to ensure my house was okay. Sometimes my twin would cry and talk about wanting to die, so I would walk us to the library a few miles away because if we were there, then we would be safe. My mom wasn't home in the afternoons or evenings, often I wouldn't see her until bed time so I was the parent.

I remember going to the bathroom to shower and I would sit on my knees hunched over as the water hit my back. I would cry and sob to myself, telling myself that I'm a good person, that I'm a good daughter, that I'm trying so hard, and that all I want to be is to be loved. I still do that from time to time, I remember crying a few months ago just saying out loud that all I want is to be loved. And logically, I know I am loved. There are so many people in my life that love me, but because of how I grew up, it's taken me so long to really understand what that feels like. I'm scared of losing all that I built and I won't be strong enough.

I'm sharing this photo of me crying not because I'm looking for attention or sympathy, though if y'all have pet photos I would be glad to see those. I wanted to show me at my most vulnerable, to show a side of me that I don't let people see. I've always been smiles and radiating energy, I've always tried to be like sunshine, warm, bright, happy. But that not always me, that's a part of me, but I'm also grumpy, I get sad, I get annoyed with client calls, I hate standing in lines, I cry a lot and Im not always strong. Sometimes I just want to be taken care of and I don't want to feel guilty for asking for that.

A friend and I were talking the other day about therapy and life and he had mentioned that what it seems I'm looking for is to be seen. I want my abuse acknowledged, I don't want to have to hide it away and sort of "move on" from it. I hate the idea of saying well that happened, but let's go heal and move forward because I want to sit in that mud and just be sad about it for a bit. I think there's a part of healing that isn't really visible or recognized and that just getting to hold your muddiness and give it space and getting to be sad.

I hated the idea an ex-friend had told me about "suck it up buttercup" because I want to confront my past, I want to look at it and be seen and hold it for a moment so then I can get all the feelings out that I never had the chance to in the past. I don't want people to say, oh Taylor he's so brave he's a survivor look at how amazing he's doing. I don't want to always be strong. I want to be sad, I want to be weak, I want to let my inner child cry so that adult Taylor can grow where he could not previously.

I cried today because I was scared I wasn't a good person, that everything I was working for was going to come crumbling beneath me. I was scared my friends would leave me as some had done before, I was scared that none of this was going to work out. I'm still scared, this is all new territory for me to be so open like this and to put it all out on display. It's so new to think about what a healthy love feels like and to just let myself be vulnerable, visible, and receptive to love. I'm scared as I strengthen my foundation with these new bricks.

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

5x13 - Fears & Thoughts

Hoo boy! What an episode!

So Maddie and Chimney are done. Wow, I gotta be honest, I didn't see that coming. Just another thing feeling out of sorts this season. But...I'm curious to see where this goes.

Gotta say, I am so happy we had a Buck and Maddie moment. Finally!!!!! And Uncle Buck and Jee-Yun is so cute!

Love how the fear emergencies didn't just revolve around actual phobias but the common theme seemed to be 'trapped'. From being trapped in a cage in the ocean, waiting for the sharks aka doom, to being encased in a huge web-thing, waiting to be eaten. The woman who had no fear and felt like she had no other alternative than to end things because she couldn't feel afraid anymore. Just the overall theme of feeling trapped. And this is the very same episode we see Buck feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place with Taylor moving in, Chim being scared about leaving Maddie alone with Jee-Yun, Maddie afraid to go near the bathtub until she forces herself to confront her fear, Eddie in therapy being asked what scares him and then us seeing him have a breakdown when he finds out all of the soldiers he saved were dead & confessing to Buck that he's afraid he will never feel normal again, Taylor saying she feels like Buck trapped her by asking her to move in with him so she won't leave, Albert talking about how his job isn't exactly what he thought it would be -- all of it is just related to this one overall theme and I am loving it.

I'm also loving how Taylor is forcing Buck to change to her couch. How the boxes are all over the place and "we'll just have to cull as we unpack, we probably have two of everything", and Taylor can't even find forks for her and Buck to eat their dinner.

Not gonna lie, I feel a bit bad for Taylor. I don't hate her character like some do but it's becoming increasingly obvious that this relationship isn't endgame. "No more lies" and Buck still has yet to tell her that the woman he kissed was the new firefighter in his firehouse. I wonder when she will find that out and what her reaction will be. And is it me or are they purposely making Taylor fade into the background and acting like a naive, lackadaisical girlfriend who bums around the apartment all day, typing away on her laptop, and humming as she goes about? She's felt very off herself (just more of this season's overall theme of being off) and I feel like 5x13 is where we started to see just a little bit of her true character shine through (once Buck told her). And Buck telling Maddie "I do love her. You know, she's been there for me through you guys leaving and everything"...I kind of wish I could be that court reporter that reads back to him what he said earlier in the season: "That's not how you talk about someone you're in love with." Buck, my man, can you hear me? This is your conscience speaking, stop dragging Taylor through this and realize this relationship isn't what you want! They're literally beginning to dismantle it in the show right before your very eyes!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Buck forcing his way into the room Eddie is locked in...what imagery! That coupled with "You're the guy who likes to fix things." I see you, 911. Very interesting analogy you got there.

Did Buck really just call Lucy Firefigher Donato? Didn't Buck try to figure out a new nickname for Eddie back when he arrived at the 118 even though he wasn't a fan at first? I know Buck is trying to put distance there with Lucy for obvious reasons but damn what a contrast they purposely gave us in this setup.

Not gonna lie, I really thought Buck and Eddie were going to hug when Buck saw Eddie sobbing on the floor, but my hopes were thwarted, dashed, went up in smoke. Buck's reaction to me felt slightly off. We've seen his reaction whenever Eddie is in physical danger but it almost seemed as if he didn't know what to do in the face of this breakdown. I know Eddie is usually the guy who keeps everything in control like Bobby has said, but I don't know...it just felt slightly off to me. But it was a great scene though! And of course, my heart hurt for Eddie. I truly hope by him opening up to Buck about this, by seeing that Frank was right about how when the box exploded it would not only affect him but everyone around him, that he truly takes care of himself and is more open-minded to the idea of him continuing therapy (and asking for help when needed). I also wonder if this is going to somehow lead into Eddie coming back to the 118 now that Buck knows what bad shape Eddie is in and why, especially with him being "the guy who likes to fix things" and being concerned about Chris.

I also think it's a very interesting sort of parallel that we have now of Eddie exploding on Ana and Bobby and the whole "I already apologized for that." All related to Eddie's anger and "I was upset." We've also seen him explode on Buck before, but the contrast there is that we saw Eddie work it out with him, we weren't just told about it. Very interesting, indeed.

I'm really curious to see what happens in the next episode. Gotta say I'm slowly starting to feel like my 911 is coming back, slowly but surely. 5A was a bit rough. Oh, and if I ever look up what all of the 1st episode animal symbolism is again for a future season, feel free to tell me to shut it. I will slap my own hands. I feel like I was stupid and predicted how out of step the 118 was going to be, how the family was going to break up, but I never anticipated just how much. I was excited seeing it come to fruition but then I immediately put the car in reverse, shaking my head and going "not this! not ever this!" as the season progressed.

So, I'm really glad that Maddie is back as is Chim, and we're starting to course correct a bit.

[violet-heaven]

It's two am and I just wrote this on a complete whim. There should be a part two, probably will be from Wilson's perspective, but here's this short and slightly cryptic fic! Dedicated to Cricket, @wilsonbarnes (you'll see why. I love you <3)

"When does it stop aching?"

Blue eyes pierce the darkness, droplets of unshed tears held in firmly as though keeping himself from crying could prevent the rising tide of emotions constricting his throat. He could choke on them, white-hot anger, cold jealousy, trembling desperation.

He didn't mean to ask that. The question tumbled out of him, surprising himself as much as it must have surprised Nolan, who tilts his head, regarding House with a calm expression of understanding.

That's what he likes about therapy sessions- Nolan doesn't pity him. House is tired of being pitied.

He sees it everywhere, disdain and hatred and pity. He isn't well liked and he knows it. He's a bastard and a cripple, and that has never mattered to him, at least not when he had someone to look at him in a different way. To understand him. To love him.

"What's aching?"

Nolan leans back in his armchair, fingers interlaced as he awaits a response. Clever bastard. House is going to have to talk. He smirks mirthlessly. "My leg. That's the obvious bit, but nothing a couple Vicodin could fix. If someone just allowed me to take them..."

The endeavor to hide his carefully guarded emotions fails. "Vicodin doesn't fix emotional pain. What's aching?"

"You wouldn't know," House blurts out before he can stop himself. "It fixes a lot more than people would be inclined to believe."

No reply. Nolan is still playing the waiting game.

House sets his jaw, refusing to join the game. He can't be swayed so easily. He won't be swayed so easily. "It's Wilson, isn't it?" Nolan has hit right on the mark again. A sharp pain bites at House, a pain that's so fresh and raw that he knows it can't be a physical wound.

Wilson.

"You're in love with him."

It's a statement, an observation. Not a question, there is no doubt in Nolan's tone. House attempts to laugh, but he's breathless so he chokes instead. The tears finally flow, a dam bursting.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Why did you give up on trying to sabotage his relationship with Samantha?"

Why, indeed? "He was happy," House grips his cane so hard, his knuckles turn white. "Wilson's happiness means more to me than this relationship he has with..." He can't say her name, not without rage twisting his words, ripping apart any image of amity.

Nolan leans forward. "Do you think that Wilson loves you?" He keeps his dark eyes pinned on House, demanding the truth.

"Yes." He doesn't have to think twice. "He loves me. But not in the way that I love him. Wilson deserves better than me." If Nolan wants the truth, the truth he'll get. House knows it's true. Wilson is a good person, and good people don't deserve bad people.

House has skewed ethics, fucked up morals, non-existent empathy. He is, simply put, a shitty person. Wilson is questionable at times but he is a good person at heart. Nobody cares like Wilson does. They're on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Wilson deserves better.

It aches. When does it stop aching?

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-One [PT. 2]

Words: 2.5K

Warning(s): explicit language, mentions of drug abuse, mentions of domestic abuse

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"Your little one is here as of right now." Dr. Telille says, pointing to a very little area to the far side of my womb and I smile before she switches the focus slightly and then looks at the screen with a slightly odd look before flipping through my chart. "At your previous Obstetrician, did they mention any abnormalities?" She asks me. 

"No." I shake my head. 

"You said in your history you've had recurrent miscarriages?" She asks next. 

"Yes." 

"Okay, Mrs. Sixx, don't be alarmed by this because there is a solution but this," she turns the screen to me again, pointing at a shadow in the picture that looks like it's creating bunny ears or something. "Is a layer of tissue that's not supposed to be there. It halts fetal growth, and ultimately causes miscarriages, often times even before a fetus is interacting with the tissue itself, physically." She informs me and I feel like my chest is throbbing from how hard my heart is beating. "The good news is that we can fix this, I've had to do a few surgeries like this before--we can go in and cut that tissue out without disturbing your baby, but we will need to have it done within the next week--two weeks at the most." She explains and I raise my brows. 

"What's my chance of carrying out my pregnancy to term without the surgery?" I ask, trying to stay calm. 

"With a successful surgery, there is a 80% chance of you carrying it to term, and a higher chance at not facing as many pregnancy difficulties in the future like you've had previously. Without the surgery, with your history, it's very, very probable that you won't get to four months without miscarrying--if that far." She adds. 

"What's the risk of this surgery causing complications?" I ask next. 

"30%." She replies and I breathe out. "You don't have to make a decision today, you can go home and think about it and talk about it with the father but we need to get it scheduled in the next few days." 

"Um, o-okay…" I rub my lips together. 

"And if you are interested in the surgery, we can go ahead and send it in and see if insurance will cover it." She assures me. 

"I don't have maternity insurance right now." I tell her and she looks at me uneasily. 

"No worries, we can figure the costs out after you decide if you want it or not." She tells me, calmly, and I just nod. 

I numbed myself. I would've been freaking out, having a meltdown, begging God to spare my damn baby for once...but as soon as she started in on what was wrong with me, the negative outcomes...I flicked the switch in my brain and just let myself feel absolutely nothing as best as I could. My nervousness was relief compared to blatant breakdown mode that I knew would hit inevitably.

And how the hell did I tell Duff and Nikki that I was going to need surgery that could potentially terminate my pregnancy--or suffer what I'd suffered before and still lose a baby? Oh, right. I didn't. At least, not as soon as I probably should have.

When I get to my new little house I'm renting with my savings, Duff's sitting on the little porch, drinking a beer. 

"How'd it go?" He asks me, standing up as I unlock the door. 

He couldn't go with me this time because he had to go look at a couple houses with Mandy, which I understand because they had already canceled once with a real-estate agent and would get charged extra if they missed another appointment. 

"Good." I lie, clearing my throat. 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." 

Whisky's barking at us until he realizes it's me, and then he won't get out from under my feet until I pat him on the head. 

"I need to finish unpacking." I say before Duff can ask anymore questions. 

"Well, it's your lucky day because I know how to unpack." He states, grinning. 

I go change into pajamas and when I get back, he's pulling pictures from one of the boxes, neatly placing them on the coffee table in the living room and I pick them up and start figuring out where to put them. 

"So, my family really wants me to bring you up." He says, optimistically. "I was thinking leave Sunday and come back next Saturday."

"...Duff, I can't just up and leave right now. I have to finish unpacking, and I'm gonna be meeting with Nikki once a week and then him and the guys once a week so that's two different…" I trail off as he cuts open another one of my packed boxes with his pocket knife, a look of disappointment on his face. "...It's not that I don't want to, you know. I just have a lot going on right now." 

"We'd just be gone for a week." He says, looking at me. "It's the only time off I have for a while since we're doing a few shows in New York and Europe." He adds. "And I really want my family to know you, kinda, before you have the baby." 

"I don't know." I hesitantly tell him and he licks his lips. "I don't know, Duff, okay? I just...ughhh." I groan, raking my hands through my hair. 

"If you don't want to meet my family then don't worry about it, Vivian." He says it a little passive aggressively and I raise my brows. 

"'Vivian'? Since when the hell am I 'Vivian'?" I ask, mimicking his tone. 

"That's your name isn't it?" He asks next and I cross my arms.

"You usually call me 'Viv', or...something…"

"Well, I'm not calling you, 'babe,' or, 'baby,' since we aren't dating anymore so…"

"You're being a dick." 

"I'm not being a dick. I'm just family oriented and I want my family to know you and our kid and you're making up excuses to not go and meet them."

"Excuse me for not wanting to be judged." I snap back. 

"They're not fucking judgemental." 

"Oh, so you're cussing at me now, too, huh?" 

"Quit trying to start an argument." He tells me. 

"I'm not starting an argument, I'm making a valid point." 

"You're making an assumption." He corrects me. "My family isn't judgemental. They're really not. I don't even think they're worried with the fact that you were married when we got together because they haven't said a word about it. They just want to meet you." 

"Matt didn't seem so cool about it." I mumble. 

"Matt was trying to keep both of us out of trouble." He explains. "He wasn't judging you. He just doesn't like drama and if we would've gotten caught he knew it'd just be a bunch of bullshit we'd have to get thrown at us." 

I just stare at him. 

"And I'm sorry for cussing at you, but I'm trying to be positive about all of this and I really don't want you to start bringing in your negativity." He exhales. 

"My negativity?" I raise my brows, laughing humorlessly. 

"Please, just come to Seattle with me next Sunday. I promise it'll be fun and my family's fun, they don't mean any harm by wanting you to come up and visit--they're already talking about planning a trip when it's born to be here for you and me both for a few days." He adds. 

I think about it, seeing his eyes glint a little as he slowly smiles at me like a hopeful puppy. 

"Okay." I relent and he puts his hands above his head, folding them together, letting out a loud, "Hallelujah!" and I roll my eyes, trying to hold back a chuckle. 

The truth is, I don't want to leave Nikki stewing that long after revealing to him my miscarriages. He never came back when he left the therapy session yesterday, and I was supposed to go back today but decided I needed another day to just think about everything, but because of Amber's schedule, we won't be able to get back in the same room together--aside from me just visiting him--until next Wednesday...but with Duff wanting to leave Sunday and come back that Saturday, I won't be able to meet then, either. A part of me isn't even sorry that I won't make it since the morale of Nikki's story is that he married a maestro of manipulation that can play victim like no other but is really an evil bitch who loves to make people suffer. 

I gathered that after reading: 

"I married a fucking demon."

"Vivian climbed from hell just to neuter me." 

"My wife's a fucking lunatic." 

"I sometimes think Vivian's waiting for me to die so she can get the money." 

"I hate her." 

"I don't know what's killing me faster: my looney wife, or smack. Doesn't matter--they're both my drug of choice." 

"If she didn't know how to fuck I would've already left her." 

"She flushed every bit of what Jason dropped off last night. Cost me a couple grand. I'm so pissed, if I knew she wouldn't beat the shit out of me and go batshit-ballistic, I'd lay her out on the fucking floor. I'm sure it'd be like foreplay in her sick mind, anyway." 

"I swear she cums every time she belittles me." 

And, my personal favorite: 

"Just woke up from a fucking nightmare. I was fucking around with Vivian and Vanity and once they got their satisfaction they started eating me alive while talking about their love for God. Even with them gnawing on me alive with their shark-like teeth and their completely black eyes, stripping flesh from my bone and going at it like a fucking pork chop, I was turned on. But as soon as they started about God, how good and wonderful he was, that's when I started panicking a little that I OD'd without realizing it and was in hell or some fucking incarnation of it. I see now that's how they both got me, being hot and knowing exactly what to do to get me going. And now they're both sucking the life out of me, eating me alive, while praying to their God and acting like they're blameless in my destruction. CHICKS = TROUBLE." 

At least we both agree that we married demons.

It was strange for me to realize how he saw me--well, how Sikki saw me. Once I was able to differentiate between the two of them, it hurt less reading what he'd write about me. It was just confusing. 

One page would be an entire rant (with unflattering, random song lyrics to match) about something I did that pissed him off--sometimes things I wouldn't even realize I did to make him upset and then the next page would be decently positive things about me that he'd profess after waking up sort of sober…

I knew he felt guilty about how he treated me, most of the entries from the end of '83 to '87 had "I'm an asshole" or "I really fucked up" or some version of it in them but the deeper into '87 he got, the less and less apologetic he got. Both in real time and his dairies. 

Despite the black and white of his diaries, one thing still lingered in the grey area…

I stare at the little TV on my dresser, bowl of captain crunch in hand as I stuff my face while flipping channels, Whisky gnawing on his chew toy as a flickering, fuzzy and static blaring familiar face flashes across the screen as I turn to the next channel. My heart stops for a moment, my finger immediately going back, the screen and audio clearing as I see her. 

Clear eyed and competent. A far removal from what I last saw of her with her gnashing teeth and tortured eyes, spewing at Nikki and I both before he and her got into a fight that left her dragged down the stairs of our old house...guilt tugs at me, remembering the look on her face, the pain, the hurt...perhaps she felt as bad as I did about the situation. 

He was the one telling her he was going to leave me and marry her, after all. My feury swallowed him before it ever thought about swallowing her. 

"...I'm currently looking at other scripts for other films." She replies very calm and composed to whatever question her interviewer was asking...I'm assuming this is part of her press run for her new movie coming out. 

"If you could write a ticket for yourself, Vanity, what would it be?" The woman asks next and she furrows her brows, slightly. 

"Write a ticket? To go somewhere?" 

"No, write a ticket for the rest of your life, and your career. Just everything about your life." She explains. 

"Ohhh," She thinks a moment before shaking her head slightly. "I wouldn't want to do that, actually, because, um, everytime I turn around something new's happening. I'm a very spontaneous person. I just like to get up and go, and I've been doing that since I was fifteen...so, um, I couldn't say I'd like to write that ticket." She chuckles a little, but not the crack-cackle I was used to seeing in her past interviews. 

She's actually sober here. 

"I just wanna go wherever life takes me." She continues. 

"What you're saying then, is, you couldn't write a ticket because what you would write wouldn't be as good as what could happen?" 

"No, I don't--"

"--No?"

"No, I don't think that, I'm not saying that at all. I feel that I have certain goals in my life. Very big, big, dreams that I set for myself. But I wouldn't wanna, um, question God's way about where he's going with me." She states. "That's just...not me." 

"If you could go back and change anything--"

"--Nothing." Vanity says, biting her lip nervously, shaking her head. 

"Any of the decisions?"

"Nothing." 

"Wouldn't change a thing?" 

"Nothing." She buckles down on it and I feel my eyes gloss over. "Wouldn't change a thing…" she trails off, thinking for a second. "...Can't say that I would." She adds, softly. "Because each time that I've done something, whether it be a mistake in my life, it's always...what you might call a mistake in my life is never a mistake to me. It was a definite meant to be and it was a definite learning process. So all the pain and all the glory...I wouldn't change a thing."

She's so unapologetically sincere. 

I cut the TV off as they start closing out the interview, and toss the remote across the room, losing my appetite and putting my bowl on my nightstand before I allow myself to replay what she just said. 

And I cry, not because she was in a relationship with him, not because she tried to steal him from me...I cry because I regret everything. I regret marrying Nikki. I regret meeting Duff. I regret getting pegnant. 

I'm not angry at her.

I envy her.

[paramsiddharth]

#15: The Independence Day

However tempting the title may be at suggesting my life is at peace now, it painfully isn't. I don't want this to prevent me from glorifying the decades of freedom from colonization we have enjoyed, how much we have recovered from post-colonization trauma, and how we are more responsibly planning to evolve in future. Lots of love to my country. I love my dear Bihar, I love India. I am grateful to my parentland for everything it gave me, such as the beautiful cultural heritage and the opportunity to identify myself as a proud Indian. 🇮🇳 I give my heartfelt pranaam to my nation.

Why is it always such that I make a post, disappear for months (or years), and then make a sudden reappearance? I love writing. Why this discontinuity? I asked myself this question.

I realized it is because I am always too overwhelmed by my past and future to express my present without hurting myself. And don't expect me to mourn that; It is part of my situational awareness, learning from my experience, and practical preparedness and I'm not ashamed.

I'm not proud either, but there's little I can do to change the circumstances I'm put in. The very reason behind my continuous complaining and being a crybaby is because that's what has happened to me throughout my life, and continues to. There are plenty of people to blame, but definitely not me.

I will start talking about the time after the day I posted that Kharagpur blog, but I will move in a logarithmic fashion i. e. Increasing the amount of focus on the part closer to the plateau (present) rather than the cliff (past).

Do you use olive oil at home? Is it a common ingredient in most of the food that you have at home? I recently learnt an interesting truth about food oils. Mustard oil, olive oil, and refined oil are the 3 major oils used to cook. In my family everything is cooked in mustard oil. I used to watch recipe videos and wonder why the colour of the oil looked so different. Turns out they generally use olive oil.

Based on what mom told, mustard oil is much more fatty and considered not good for health, at least in comparison to olive oil. That being said, mustard oil comes for a lot cheaper than olive oil. So do we use less healthy oil to cook food for saving money? Yes. Are we the only ones? I really don't know.

As much as I don't want to, I pity myself. It's pathetic, but every time I pity myself, I assume it can't get worse. But it does. It very much does.

5-6 days ago, my parents had a very violent fight. I was there to get them to settle, and since my classes were not going on, I could give more time to home. Despite my struggle to get both my parents to be peaceful, they kept saying things to each-other for half the night, and kept hurting themselves, mentally and physically. I was there to help them, but they weren't welcoming to any support. And I understand why. They must feel like they are put into a position where they can't express themselves to anyone, and that nobody can feel what they are going through.

Folks and friends tell me not to get in between when they fight. I wouldn't… If only it remained verbal. But it gets worse. It gets physical, in a manner that they end up hurting their internal and external biologies causing more than just short-term damage. I barely manage to save the day everytime… Because I love them. I don't want to listen to my friends. My parents are my everything. Losing one of them means losing half of my life's purpose. I'm nothing without them, no matter how they are.

And I managed to calm them down. 3 days ago, we woke up to a news that wasn't initially so devastating: The water motor wasn't working. It had been a common problem, I easily assumed it will be fixed soon. We got it checked, had some analysis done, some parts bought. By evening, it was still being worked on, and that made the situation tense. The day ended with the news that the plumbers will come the next day and attempt a better fix, something they referred to as "slizing" (I think it supposed to be slicing). I didn't eat much that day, for reasons. Others ate less too.

So we got the "slizer" expert the next day. The whole day was going to be a wasted struggle again, and what happened at home made it far worse. The lack of food, hydration, and sanitation made our patience and moods worse. My parents had an argument, and once the light was sparked, it ended up being probably the worst fight they have ever had in the whole lifetime. One where they almost hit each-other. I came in between as a shield and got beaten up instead, gladly so. But will I always be able to get in between?

The situational dilemma hit me harder than the physical strokes. I was pulled down deep into the realization of how traumatizing the past 5 years have been for my parents. From being loving, caring, and supportive, they've become beasts. They have turned into people with no emotional control, and mood-swing patterns that encourages self-harm exclusive to interpersonal fights between those two.

As much as they fight, scream, misbehave, and misunderstand each-other while arguing, they are the only 2 adults I could ever rely on. The rest of my ostensible family has been far more hostile to us, in a much more heart-penetrating way than physically. Who else can I look up to? And even if I had anybody else to look up to, my parents are the 2 people I will never let go of. It is my life's purpose to see them happy, and I won't let anything go wrong before that happens.

Their hatred for each-other while fighting is no longer silenced by their want to live, and their heart no longer melts by the thought of their kids' happiness. They aren't able to think straight during a fight. What would a person in this condition be advised to do? Take therapy, I suppose. We can't afford that. Will the one who advises us pay for our therapy? I'm sure not.

Money is the one big thing in our life that's our biggest joy and harshest pain at the same time. If we had more money, none of our current problems in life would remain relevant. We will be able to cure everything, including our financial instability and mental illnesses. We will be off to a happy life, constantly evolving. If only we had more money. If only…

Let me slap myself out of this dream. It isn't here yet. A minimum of 2 years before I even get on my feet are to be borne with patience and… Struggle. No, my parents have to remain together, no matter what. The hardwork they did for their whole life, won't lose meaning so easily. We're close, and we will make it. I will get a good job and change everything. I will be able to fix us. I will do it… Won't I?

I wasn't able to cry, because I hadn't had water for 50+ hours. My parents eventually lost energy and got diverted by updates from the plumbers and the expert. It failed. They didn't even attempt the "slizing" part. Maybe next day.

Day 3. No eating, drinking, peeing, or excreting. We felt like lifeless blobs, and it was harder for us to make it through, considering my mom has an OCD. Although we were convinced that the service folks were fixing the water issue, we also knew the kind of people we have in Muzaffarpur. They were using our helplessness as a measure to maximize visible worktime and increase the payment. The only thing they were aiming for is profit. No sense of wanting to provide quality service, no concern for our degrading health, nothing. They were just extending and pulling out days from our lifeless schedule.

On day 3, we slightly hinted that this would be the last day we let them work. We ensured them that if they don't fix it by the end of the day, instead of wasting more money into something that isn't even working, we will urgently invest into getting a submersible pump installed, the ultimate answer to all water problems in the poverty-stricken lands of India.

God knows how, by the end of the day, water started coming. We were not relieved, especially I. Not instantly. I waited for the next morning, and then, was a little calmed. After having the payment report (just because I make it sound professional doesn't mean it was, it was an informal description of how much we have to pay and a disambiguation telling why), we realized the fixing cost us over ₹22,000. That's a lot of money for a sudden life problem. And then the motor stopped working again in the evening, whereafter we asked them to have a look again. A quickfix and it started working after adding some water in the pipe.

We are firm that the next step is to get a submersible pump, but even if we put aside the financial challenge for a moment, this season isn't the best one to get it installed. In fact, that should be our last resort, if all options are exhausted, like it would have been if day 3 ended in a disappointment too. But now we have some time to think, plan, and gather money. ₹80,000 isn't a small amount (that's to start, you know it's always more than it seems).

It was the independence day. Wow, what a beautiful day. An independent country, where there are lakhs of smiles of people happy and proud of their country. And lakhs of neutrally frowned faces who don't even know what a country is. All they know is food, water, shelter, and survival. I felt them, I can tell. It must be worse. I wish we had a little more independence too. A stable financial life, my mom's OCD cured, feels like a lovely eye-tearing dream.

Hahaha… I don't know why I'm crying. Is it because of the trauma of 3 painful days? Is it the fear of my parents getting into a fight again? Is it the painful possibility that I might not get a good job because of my not-so good college or my own ineligibility? Or is it just me, a 19 year-old who doesn't even know what to do with his life and is struggling to survive mentally, physically, biologically, academically, and socially?

For those 3 days, I was in a state of suffering. Since I didn't eat much, I didn't need to use the bathroom, but I would have loved to. I would have loved to satisfy my dry throat with some water. Having not drunk or eaten in days had fatigued me. If you want a feel of how long it had been, here's a day 3 picture of an initially dark yellow arhar dal cooked on day 1:

Still, I was receiving phone calls.

Them: Hey Param! What's up? Can you help me with this thing?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry, I can't… I'm kind of in a problem… ...(trying to explain my situation).

Them: That stinks! Sorry about that, dude. Take care. Oh, by the way, can you help me out with this quickly? I really need to do this.

This makes me realize how awfully tooled I have always let myself be. If it was a regular day, I would have probably let go of my busy time and helped them out, but I was in pain. I was enraged. Very angered by their stubbornness and lack of concern for my happiness, when I have always been the one who was there for them. I hung up and left my phone. I didn't feel like touching it anymore. Life felt obsolete.

Evening, day 4, we were preparing for dad's birthday next day. Planning a surprise, we ordered a cake for him by collecting some money. We were very excited. Little did we know our happiness was about to be shattered… That's when the water had stopped working again. We know it got fixed later, but the intensity of the trauma in the moment embedded itself deeply into our hearts, and despite the want to be excited, we weren't very relieved after the news that it was working again. We were constantly afraid it will stop working again.

We desperately tried to stay happy and celebrate his birthday. 12 AM, August 16, we sang happy birthday. Crying on the inside and smiling on the outside, we made ourselves believe that we ought to be happy for survival. The desperation was visible on our faces. Here are some pictures:

Now that I'm out of it (pray, the water works fine), I still don't feel so good about it. I want to hug my parents and stay in their arms forever. I want to see them smiling and keep talking to them forever. I want to be able to forget my pain and begin a happy life with my parents someday. Other people won't help me achieve that, I will.

I attempted to get myself a job offer at some good companies, and the recruiters would admit that I'm worthy and eligible and all, but then conclude, "…but our company generally gives only on-campus opportunities.". I get it. I'm not in an IIT. Not privileged enough to be allowed to compete with those IITians I'm far better than. I'll not have a chance, because they'll never come for on-campus opportunities to my college. Bless the IITs, for they've now stolen a hundred options of success from me despite my hardwork.

It is the interview season. I recently had a huge spam of texts and phonecalls by my seniors, asking, requesting, and even threatening me to help them with their online coding entrances. I clarified that I find it ethically wrong, but they continued to mentally disturb me by saying stuff that they, as my elders, shouldn't. I made a post on LinkedIn regarding that. I was so mentally tortured I couldn't take it anymore. And guess what? The responses were equally surprising and hostile.

A good number of people supported. By "supported", I don't mean "liked the post". Anybody would do that for free. Rather, some people appreciated my bravery and told me I did the right thing. On the other hand, some others simply scolded and criticized me brutally for the defamation of JUET, the possibility of JUET being blacklisted by recruiters, and making LinkedIn an unprofessional platform with my plea. What value I hath wrought from years of hardwork didn't seem to be anything to them. Shame on them for looking down on someone they should have been supportive to. And all those cowards who enjoy the perks of the flattery of such devil elders, may they suffer the consequences. Ahh!

Life is so stupid. Why am I working so hard? Whom for? Hello? Is anybody ever going to acknowledge me? Am I ever going to get any appreciation? EVER? Why me? Why? 😭

The question is on me. I've come far enough to understand how this universe works to a much better extent than before. Will I be able to plan my future strategically and always do what's right for me and my family? I hope I do. I hope I don't disappoint the one person who is always there to support me: Myself.

I had once felt like I saw God, but suddenly there was no God. I looked around. Nothing. I was alone. All by myself. Nobody was there to help me achieve my dreams. I suddenly felt this urge to be so grateful for what I have, and not assume that this is the worst it can get. It could get worse, and there's a lot I can get out of my present rather than worrying about my future. And you, dear reader, ought to be grateful for what you have, too.

I sincerely take my leave now. ❤️

Lots of love,

Param Siddharth.

[v1rg1nvodkasprite]

Dr. Hardy → Ben Hardy

Summary

After years of college, you finally get a job at a hospital as a trainee. You and Ben, who also worked there, had dated for years until he cheated on you. After the breakup, you're both assigned to the same patient and tensions rise.

Warnings: mature themes, language, angst, mentions of cheating, mentions of stroke (minor)

Notes: this amazing concept was requested by @toms-irish-girl !! so sorry for the long wait, love. i hope you enjoy this! x

I slipped on the white, doctor coat from the closet that had a blue T ingraved on the front pocket. "Dr. Y/L/N, you've been assigned to the patient in room 308. Patient has suffered from a mild stroke, here is all their information," Lora from the front desk informed me, handing me a clipboard. I smiled to her before nodding, "Thank you."

I made my way to the elevator, pressing the up button. I tapped my foot, waiting as I scanned the clipboard. "Good morning," I heard a deep British voice from behind me.

I froze a bit and then sighed. "Ben, what're you doing?" I asked annoyed.

Him and I had dated and it was great and then he cheated. I was moving into his house, dropping some more boxes off at his.

Then, I found him and another doctor who worked at the hospital with us making out as she sat on the kitchen counter. Our relationship of 5 years ended with a heated argument.

He huffed and the elevator dinged. I walked in, pressing the button for the 3rd floor. "I guess we're both going to the same place then," Ben sighed and I rolled my eyes and didn't respond.

I continued to read the information on the patient on the clipboard infront of me. I made my way to room 308 with Ben following me. I didn't think anything of it until we turned into the same room.

I glared at Ben for a few seconds and then turned to the man laying in the hospital bed, a fake smile appeared on my face. "Hi, how are you today?" I asked, sweetly. I listened intently writing down some notes as the man listed off his concerns and symptoms.

"Alright! Seems like recovery is going good. I'll send a physical therapist to your room to help with the numbness in your feet and we'll probably do some more physical therapy. You're probably looking at a couple weeks stay. Let us know if we can do anything to make you more comfortable," I said with a smile.

Ben grabbed a prescription sheet, scribbling down on the small piece of paper. "I'm going to go ahead and prescribe a thrombolytic drug to help break up the blood clot. I'll have Dr. Y/L/N give you the injection," he said, gesturing towards me.

I sighed before filling out some information in the computer. "Dr. Y/L/N, I can take over from here," he said moving his towards the door, signaling for me to leave. I smiled a fake, sweet smile to him, "It's fine, Dr. Hardy. I'm trustworthy enough to do this."

He huffed and rolled his eyes, before leaving the room. After saying a while goodbye to the man, I left the room. I spotted Ben talking to a familiar woman.

She had dark brown hair and blue eyes. She was one of the prettier doctors working in this hospital. I recongnized her as the woman who Ben cheated on me with.

I looked away quickly as Ben made eye contact with me. As much as I loved my job and how grateful I was to have it, I hated working with him.

Even after a year and a half of being broken up and having ended your relationship, I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he could throw away everything we had. I sighed before making my way down the hallway to grab the drug for the patient in 308.

"So, Mr. Finley! I'm just going to add this and it shouldn't feel any different than what you're already taking in from the IV," I said before switching the bags of fluid.

"Is there anything that I can get for you?" I asked and he shook his head before I smiled and left the room. "How is he doing?" Ben asked, walking up to me. "He's doing okay. I just administered the drugs so either you or I should check up on him soon," I informed him.

I started to walk away, leaving Ben behind me. "Wait! Hey, Y/N," he called out to me. I rolled my eyes before turning around, "What is it, Ben?"

He smirked to me, "Just thought I should tell you how ravishing you look today. That's all," he said to me. I scoffed. He had been doing this shit for a few months, flitting with me continuously.

"Shut up," I muttered to him before striding off. I didn't understand why he would do all of this. I still had feelings for him but they for the most part broke me.

"Dr Y/L/N! How nice it is to see you!" a sweet but annoying voice called from across the hall. I rolled my eyes for what seemed like the thousandth time today before displaying a fake smile on my face.

"Hi! I'm good, how are you?" I asked the woman who Ben had cheated on me with. Maybe I should consider transferring to a new hospital. "I'm great! I was just wondering if you knew where Ben was?" she asked and I felt a pang at my chest.

"Just missed him. He was right down there last I saw," I said and she nodded before thanking me as I walked away.

My phone dinged, alerting me that I had received a text. It was an unknown number, "Meet me outside of room 254. Need to talk to you. -Ben" it read. I shook my head heading down one floor, deciding to meet with him.

I saw him from across the hall as I arrived at the 2nd floor. He looked a bit nervous but still held a confident posture as I walked to him.

"What did you need to talk about?" I asked, crossing my arms. "Look, I really miss you," he started and I rolled my eyes. I wasn't prepayto deal with this right now.

"Ben, you cheated. You should've thought about that before did that!" my voice started to rise as I became more aggravated. He looked down to the ground, scratching the back of his neck. "I know I did but I'm sorry. I still love you and I still want you. Please," he pleaded.

My heart broke a bit for him. As much as I missed him, I couldn't do that again. "I can't do that. I won't try to fix what we had. You hurt me so much and I can't risk that again. I'm sorry," I told him and he sighed before nodding understandingly.

"I'm sorry," he said before walking away, leaving me just as hurt as before.

taglist

@rrrogah-tayluhh , @simplyvictoria-93 , @rencontre-moi-dans-le-couloir , @kirket03 , @plethora-of-things , @satanspaghetti , @rogersrager , @spreadymercury , @kurt-nightcrawler , @rogahmtaylah , @thewinchesterchronicles , @bisexuwhale69 , @rexorangecouny , @purpledragon1995 , @weakling-grace , @computersaysnot , @lilibellecms

[seouledbysisi]

A Time Like No Other

Chapter 8

The Meeting

Misun outfit: 

Nori Outfit: 

The girls walked through the huge reception area of the large building. They could feel their body reacting in nervousness. Misun's palms became a bit moist. Nori knew she was on edge so she needed to calm her down somehow. She stopped her for a moment, with her hands on her shoulders. “Misun, we got this okay? The worst thing that can happen is that we don't like his plan for us.”

Misun inhaled deeply. “I know. I just need a minute before we walk into that meeting. Can we pray? I think that might help.” She was becoming anxious.

Nori nodded. “Of course!” They grabbed one another hands and began to pray asking God to be with them in this meeting and to help them make the right decisions for their career and to guide them always.

“I feel better. You ready for this?” Misun asked in a bit more excitement than she had before.

Nori pulled her to the elevator and they embarked to the seventh floor where his office was. Miranda was already there waiting for them. As they walked in there were a few people waiting for them. Nori and Misun bowed a little and took their seats.

The president welcomed them in with a smile. “Some of my talent scouts came across your YouTube channel and I must say you have a lot people that seem to like what you're doing. Tell me why you started it?”

Misun nodded to Nori so she could answer.

“We really love music and we love the people that create beautiful music that touches others hearts. We wanted fans of these artists to be able to get a better feel of who they truly are as well as us being able to connect with the artists.” Nori explained.

“Music is not just something that you do or that you listen to. It's more about how you feel when you hear it or how it moves you. It's about the passion that these artists put into their artistry. We wanted to be able to get closer to that. We love entertainment period. We want to expand in so many ways.” Misun added.

The president nodded. “I like you. You're driven and anyone can work with a person that's passionate and not afraid of learning new things and new ways. So I propose that we draw up a contract that will link you exclusively to Ktown Entertainment. What do you think?”

Misun took a deep breath. “I know you have your own staff but this contract has to include our personal consultant, Miranda, as well. We wouldn't be where we are without her and there's no way we're leaving her behind.”

“That's not a problem. You just tell me what role she plays in your career and we can draw up a contract for her as well.” The president answered with a smile.

Miranda smiled big at the girls. She had so much faith in them and she was about ready to let them fly on their own, no she wasn't ready to let them go but she wasn't sure where her place would be at this point but she felt so much love and respect from them since they weren't ready to let her go as well. “Thank you.” She nodded in Misun and Nori's direction.

They talked more business and then the contracts were in their faces. A physical copy of the thing that was changing their lives for the better.

“So living arrangements?” Misun directed her question to the president.

His grin got bigger. “Oh yes, that apartment you're staying in. . .it's yours as long as you're signed with us. I need you two living here within the next month. I have a lot of work for you girls to get started with as well as media training and so forth.”

“A month? What about our lease? That's not up until November!” Nori directed to Misun.

The president placed his hand on both of their shoulders. “No need to worry. Whatever fee you have to pay to release you from your lease I will take care of. Don't worry. It's smooth sailing from here.”

Misun nodded. “Does Miranda have to move here?”

“If she wants to but we won't need her here all the time like we need you two. She can simply travel when necessary.” He replied.

Miranda shook her head. “I don't think my husband would like moving here right now so I'll just travel here when I'm needed.”

They got everything sorted out and they left.

Back at the apartment

Nori is throwing clothes everywhere while Misun is sipping on some red wine. “What are you looking for?” Misun asked her.

“Something to wear!” She plops down on the floor with the rest of her clothes.

Misun cocked an eyebrow up. “Where are you going?”

“You mean where are WE going!” Nori answered with a sly grin.

Misun shook her head. “Nope, I'm not going anywhere especially when you have that sneaky grin on your face!”

“You are going, so go find something sexy to wear because we owe ourselves to celebrate tonight!”

Misun lifted her glass of wine. “This is me celebrating, duh!”

Nori pulled her off the bed. “Get your booty in that room and find something sexy! If you don't I will for you!”

Misun pouted as she walked into the room. “Okay okay! Gosh!”

Misun finally found something that was suitable for a club setting. She didn't go to clubs back home except for when Nori would drag her there so this was totally out of her element but she may as well live a little. She began to curl her long black hair. She loosened the curls so that they would look more like beach waves. She fixed her makeup and finally exited her room where her best friend was awaiting her.

Nori's eyes widened. She was stunned. “Whoa mama! You look hot! Every Korean guy is going to want a piece of Misun, tonight!” She couldn't take her eyes off of her bestie.

Misun began to blush and waved her off. “Stop! I feel very uncomfortable. Is this too much?”

“It's just enough. Let loose please. Even if it's just for tonight, please have some real fun. We deserve this!” Nori told her with a grin.

Misun nodded. “Okay, I won't be so in my head tonight. You look beautiful by the way, every man is that building is going to want YOU!”

Nori winked at her. “I know. That's the point of this whole outfit. Give them a taste of what they can't have. Now let's go because Miranda is waiting on us downstairs.”

“She's coming with us? Her husband is going to kill her!” Misun acknowledged.

Nori shrugged. “She's still young, she needs a life outside of him. Plus what he doesn't know can't hurt him. Let's go!”

They jumped into the vehicle with Miranda. “Dang, Miranda! You clean up really nice!” Misun told her.

“If I could dress like this all the time I would but Michael hates me showing any type of skin.” She said as she rolled her eyes and drove away from the apartment building.

Monsta X

The music was banging in their ears as they sipped on their beer in the V.I.P. section that was highly secured. There were so many fans trying to get an invite to join them but the guys just weren't feeling it tonight. They simply waved to the fans and threw hearts in their direction. They just were trying to relax and enjoy their time there.

“Times like this I kind of wish I wasn't famous.” Wonho admitted.

The guys all looked at him stunned. “What do you mean?” Shownu asked him.

“I love our fans of course but we're stuck in this section until we leave because they're swarming this area. Don't you ever just want to get on the dance floor and grab a pretty girl and dance the night away?” Wonho explained.

Minhyuk nodded. “I understand. Just be treated like a normal person because we are just normal people who just happen to perform too. I get you.”

“Go grab a pretty girl and dance with her then. We have security. Have fun!” Kihyun urged.

Shownu shook his head. “Monbebe may not like that very much.”

“What are you talking about? Whoever he dances with is a monbebe. They will be happy that we're giving them real attention.” Kihyun argued. “Go Wonho!”

Wonho chuckled. “I don't know, maybe Shownu is right.”

Shownu smirked. “No, maybe I'm not. You gotta live your life. Go dance! Or invite one of them in to dance with you.” Shownu didn't want to ruin everyone else night simply because he wasn't really into it.

Wonho nodded and patted Shownu's shoulder. He told one of their security guys to invite a few of the fans in. The ladies came in and sat next to the guys.

The girl who sat next to Shownu kept talking to him expecting better responses than he was giving. “What's wrong with you?” She asked him playfully. “Am I not pretty enough?”

Shownu snapped out of it for a moment. He felt bad that he was being rude. “Oh no, you're gorgeous. I'm just in a weird mood tonight.” He replied with a smile.

The girl moved some of her hair behind her ear. “It's okay. Maybe I can help you feel better. Dance with me?”

“No you don't have to.” He replied with a small smile and looked away.

She stood up and grabbed his hand. “I insist that you dance with me. You love to dance and I love to have a good time so give me a chance to help you feel better!”

He stood up. He couldn't allow her to keep begging for his attention so he obliged. Maybe this would open him up a bit. He had been closed off for a few weeks and he needed to get himself out of whatever funk this was. He grabbed her hips softly as she swayed them from side to side.

She placed her arms around his neck. “Is it working yet?” She asked with a flirtatious smile.

He nodded. He couldn't lie, dancing was like therapy for him so it was helping and he couldn't deny this woman's beauty.

The other guys began dancing with the other females that were up there with them until something caught Changkyun's eye. He let go of the girl he was dancing with and moved closer to the safety railing so he could get a closer view of the dance floor which was downstairs.

Hyungwon followed his gaze and moved closer too. “Is that who I think it is?”

Changkyun jumped a little from the realization that Hyungwon was now standing next to him. “Boy, you scared me! So if they're here at this club that means Shownu could've possibly seen them at the mall too, right?”

“Maybe he's not going crazy. What are the odds though? We keep ending up in weird situations with them.” Hyungwon couldn't figure out how this kept happening.

“Should we tell Shownu though?” Changkyun asked.

“Tell me what?” Shownu asked in confusion.

Changkyun jumped again from shock. “Y'all have got to stop sneaking up on me like this!”

Shownu laughed. “Why are you so jumpy tonight? Lay off the beer.”

“It's not the beer, trust me!” He responded as he hit Shownu's arm.

Shownu scanned the dance floor to try and see if he could figure out why they were near the rail just watching especially when they had beautiful women in VIP with them. “So you guys would rather stand over here by yourselves watching everyone else have a good time than dance with pretty girls? That's strange.”

“I just don't feel good right now. That's all.” Changkyun lied.

Shownu simply nodded. The other guys gathered with them.

“What's wrong? Everyone just disappeared out of nowhere.” Jooheon asked as he held the hand of one of the girls.

“Changkyun doesn't feel good.” Shownu answered.

Kihyun scrunched his face up. “You were literally just fine like two minutes ago!”

“Well now I'm not. It may be something I ate. I just needed to get away for a second that's all.”He replied in a snarky way.

Wonho's eyes widened. “I think I see Misun and Nori.”

Shownu and Jooheon both snatched their heads in his direction. “WHAT?”

Wonho pointed at the two women who were dancing in a group with guys and girls surrounding them. “I could spot them from a mile away. They stand out.”

Jooheon dropped the fan's hand quickly and started walking towards the exit of the VIP section.

Shownu grabbed his arm to stop him. “What are you doing!?”

“What do you mean? I'm going down there!” Jooheon answered him quickly with a bit of an attitude.

“Weren't you the one telling me to basically move on?” Shownu inquired.

Jooheon sighed. “Yeah but they're here and so are we. When destiny calls, you come running now let's go down there and see what's up!”

Shownu licked his lips a little. “You know we shouldn't do that. They both have our numbers and neither of them have reached out to us. That means they don't care and we shouldn't push it.”

“That's bull! You're scared of rejection. You can continue this night in fear but you'll be doing it alone!” Jooheon snatched his arm away.

“I'm not scared of rejection. We've already been rejected, Jooheon! I'm not putting myself out there anymore just to keep getting the same reaction. They're here in Seoul and we still haven't heard a peep from them so what does that tell you? It tells me that Misun just isn't that into me! Do yourself a favor and take my advice.” Shownu's voice escalated a little as he talked to Jooheon. He was frustrated. He walked away and sat back down on the couch.

Jooheon glanced back downstairs to try and find Nori and Misun. He noticed Nori looking up towards where they were. For a second he thought she may have seen them but he shook the thought away and drank the rest of his beer up. “I'm ready to go right now.” He told the guys.