#i cant feel love and dont connect to people im so lonely i want to tear my skin off

[gaystardykeco]

not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again

[flower-zombie-rob]

When i meet new people its really like

Me: okay. This is going splendid. This is going amazing. I like you, you are very nice, you are very wonderful, you are friend-shaped and you are great! This is going really well so don't say it don't say it don't say it don't say it-

Them: "...my ex/current partner..."

Me: FUCK, ANOTHER ONE???? So it really is just me around here that's never had any kind of relationship or interaction with someone who loves me like that?????? Wtf!??!?!

[s0urte3th]

.

[boonasaurusrex]

I feel like the fucking Patrick meme

"Your Specific Acronym is defined by wild swings from extreme highs to very low lows"

"Yes."

"You were diagnosed because you exhibit these behaviors."

"Yep."

"The medication you've been prescribed helps to level those swings"

"Absolutely."

"The medication has been having less of an effect recently."

"Yeah, I made an appointment to get them readjusted"

"That means the old behaviors are coming back."

"Yep, on it"

"You've been riding a strong high for the past several days"

"Uh huh"

"Which means a low is coming and is simply a symtom of The Illness"

"No actually I'm just physically repulsive and incapable of love and all of my coworkers (not friends because I can't make friends) hate me and are mocking me at every turn and I'll never make a human connection again in my life because I'm so repulsive and weird and isolated. These are intrinsic truths that have nothing to do with current events :)))))))))"

[dilfhos]

sooo this is gonna be a messy rant on the observations ive made between different writer communities, blog interactions and overall “status”. just silly little things I’ve noticed in my 4+ years being on tumblr btwn 2 diff blogs. and this is about no one specific, a very generalized post so if you find urself offended i honestly dont know what to tell you?? :o do better ig. & if you relate, i feel for you. TLDR @/end.

i dont like interacting/ building connections with people but not for the reasons ppl think. im not stuck up or pretentious or weird or anything. just another anime-enjoyer who loves to write in her free time. nobody special by a longshot!! i enjoy writing, always have since before i was a teen. (wasn’t always ff tho!).

but over the years ive just noticed fandom writing has its gritty sides that no one talks about often and its no mystery why so many prolific/ popular writers deactivated, me included. i had some shitty experiences and have seen friends go bc of it.

firstly, I’ve noticed, once you start interacting and building friendships with people, it’s easier to see the bigger perspective of where ppl stand and the blatant hierarchy of friendships and groups. same applies to that outside. like its literally just me n’ my bsf then my acquaintances bc mfs be weirddd omg its like cults or something. like thats why initially I didn’t interact w/anyone starting on my new blog. that n’ fear of drama following from my last blog ugh. ‘Cept the few i’ve met on my old blog (like my wifey)

not to mention i have bad anxiety. and sometimes im cue-deaf. i dont always pick up what people put down and vice versa and it makes me conscious in a lot of my interactions. so a part of me doesn’t want to interact at all to avoid all awkwardness and possible miscommunications. that’s not to say i don’t notice subtle changes in interactions after one situation / conversation or so forth, that in myself or witnessed between other ppl. (im perceptive, just not that good conversationalist lol. like i really have to try.)

but then…if you don’t interact with people on here, your chances of building an audience or a reader base is slim to none. the likelihood of developing relationships is zip. because you’re already perceived and pegged as just another tumblr writer. pause. to clarify, a writer who doesn’t want any recognition or interactions from mutuals or new friends. or just a lonely writer? a introverted, lonely writer. which leads to little to none interactions (anons, reblogs, moots —exposure.)

so then its like you’re kinda placed btwn a rock n a hard place. and there’s absolutely no problem with that! in fact this is the best part—meeting friends and like-minded people! people that make being online all the more worth it right? thirsting over fictional characters and sharing in each other’s works!

but you have to be in specific circles it seems. but then you can’t imply that you want to be in those circles bc then you’re desperate.

but well, then you cant purposefully want to be independent or be on your own or else you’re a hater, hypocrite or stuck up. not to mention, no one will reblog your stuff lol. no one will interact fr, and you’re friendless essentially. and god forbid if you disagree on something as if opinions don’t exist btw! then you’re being ganged up on. (like omg grow up!)

but then if you reach out you’re seen as trying to wedge in or kiss ass? you interact and follow and you’re ignored or left hanging? (bc im gonna touch your hand when i say this—it never gave fan, your majesty of horny nerds) and this is about ALL the writing communities and fandoms—spicy content, black content and dark content. ALL.

yet no one wants to talk about the pregnant elephant in the room—bias. and favoritism. also people seem to have a hard time being direct with how they’re feeling toward/about someone ( in a good or bad way) which in turn leads to a lot of miscommunication and subliminal attacks. (not to mention hate anons? one of my moots just had her inbox flooded w/them recently, ew.)

you can lead a horse to water AND you can write a 500-word essay on the observations made on tumblr writers as a whole. (a long ass post on the truth on behalf of those feeling this too)

also, slapping a HEY LOOK AT ME! IM A WRITER WHO WANTS INTERACTION AND FRIENDS! on a blog is frankly embarrassing. it shouldn’t even take all that seeing how easy it is for others wanting the same thing.

or doing less to achieve the same result.

not to mention, yall shit on ppl who essentially feel this way altogether bc you peg them as sb who doesn’t “try” or just jealous when their own works are phenomenally written themselves. ive seen it. and ive lived it. never gave jealousy baby.

at the end of the day, we’re all writers— either longterm or hobbyists. (personally, im longterm) self-indulgent or not! and its absolutely amazing when people are being fair in how they spread love and feedback to their writers.

Secondly, its not news that people have to want to reblog your fics so that their followers can reblog, so they can reblog, and their followers can reblog and so forth. but ppl honestly dont care atp bc once they’ve already read it, they owe you nothing. and apparently asking for reblogs is crass and bold. (imma do it anyway) but putting your very all into a story just to turn and see a half-thought out hc soaring 3k in 2hrs and 5k in a day — you have to stfu, open your ass and take it. keep it cute!

you’re getting fucked after all!!

because if you complain—you’re just jealous and lazy and uncreative!! and i hate that to seem like a writer worth a damn, you have to change up your writing style every two weeks to fit in with trending waves.

“no more poetic long fics, nobody’s into that! short, snappy slutty shots are all the rage!” “ppl are only into these specific tropes but you can’t exceed 2k words!” “only add trending characters to these hcs! ppl love them only!” “don’t write too much about a specific character or else ill unfollow you!” its exhausting.

i am well within my right as a literary artist to desire more feedback and interaction on anything i put out. period. and you are too! 🫵

God, im tired of that stupid, ‘you have to enjoy your writing for yourself and not worry about notes’ line. i do love my writing! don’t get me wrong there’s nobody id rather write like if not myself fr. not to mention the inspiration i draw from famous literary authors. however, i would love feedback and the same energy that i see with others in my same caliber.

and when i see others that didn’t even try fr—its a slap in the face to put it bluntly.

i can want silly little comments and notes about something i cherish and put out for that reason and yall aren’t gonna make me feel bad about it. sorry! like yall really be making people feel shitty for wanting the same type of interactions you get! especially when its harmless, bye asf. nb want to recipe to ur peach cobbler b!

the only one giving push back are those appointed popular /top blogs n’ cliques tho. now personally, i honestly dgaf if you have 20 followers or 25k, writing is writing and if its good you should want to support it regardless of following count/interaction right?

unfortunately, and quite unsurprisingly its not the case for the rest of this hellhole lol. there’s always gonna be some “big blog” in any part of tumblr or any social media for that matter.

but when the sole purpose being on a site like tumblr to write is mainly exposure, then it just makes it ten times worse especially if it seems that these blogs are steady at the top of every. single. tag. and listen, i know how initially stupid that sounds but when you’ve picked up on patterns for as long as i have, well iykyk.

so imma be real bc no one else will, half of the posts that yall see with 25k notes have alr been done. just different characters, different words, different dialogue. And 8/10 its been done by sb who only received 100 notes. Thats the evil part. whats more is that it lacks the creativity the one post with 100-300 notes is filled with completely.

POP QUIZ! what post would readers be more inclined to read? — one that says 10k (ohhh that must be popular!) or the one with only 150 (oh i guess nb really liked that one) that no one is even willing to reblog for MORE. and BOOM. now yall wonder why so many great writers LEAVE, its a fucking joke.

so unfortunately its no longer only about or only on readers anymore. its about who you know and who you know is willing to support your fr. who is willing to REBLOG your fics for their friends and followers, so that their friends and followers can reblog. to fit in you actually have to get in these days and it makes it all less enjoyable. makes it a chore and if you aren’t ‘doing it right’ ultimately it makes you feel shitty about your writing. (Please don’t, you are doing amazing. its the platform.)

it makes people not want to jump into writing. it pushes away those who actually want to join writing communities and meet people without feeling like they have to jump thru hoops to thrive or worse—live in other ppls shadows. and then it deters those from speaking up in fear of being shut down by bigger groups. ive seen it happen time and time again.

lastly, and this is the juiciest part! you absolutely cannot say anything about any of this bc you’re complaining and a fisher just looking for attention and not someone who just want things to be fair all over. play the game, right? ( wrong. and if this is your logic, you suck! )

its no longer about making flashy banners and pretty themes. its no longer about how many clever directory links you add or how many games you initiate on your blog or whether or not you’ve reblogged your fic three times already. its about your “friends”, other mutuals, and blogs willing to support you too. not just the audience. audience gonna do what they want regardless. reblog, don’t reblog, whatever. “at least ive read it right?” but everyone knows this. duh! but it’s obvious who doesn’t care as long as they’re on top of that tag! its admirable in a way but it sucks for those wanting to break out and build some kind of readerbase and/or make friends.

TLDR; people need to stop being bias and be fair and open lol. stop picking favorites and share the love all around. you see another person writing your favorite character or trope, give them a fucking chance and reblog, regardless if they’re in your ‘circle’ / radar or not. regardless if you know them or not. hell, let them put you on to a new fandom. bc writing is writing and making new moots and finding new fics seem to be what everyone loves to showcase until its time to actually do it. no wonder people get discouraged to make friends and write, yall treat it like some kind of secret society when its supposed to be fun💀 not a competition. (yall need to dead this clique-y shit. )

[liloinkoink]

as someone who also has so much homework to do. what are your thoughts on treesekai ren (speaking of treesekai, i actually sent that fic to a friend like a year ago who doesn't watch hermitcraft etc and i remember we had fun reading it and giggling over the anime of it all so tysm for that ♡)

i am no longer doing homework so i can share thoughts. it is almost 3am tho so idk theyll be coherent

first im glad you two enjoyed it! dont know how i feel about the fact it's breached containment but it is good to know it holds up

[speaking of, this fic was posted a year ago, so if you dont know what treesekai is, here is the link for you]

second i think all the time about just how lonely treesekai Ren is. ive made posts like this before but Ren is just... he's so lonely. Ren is a character with a lot of love in him, always. he always wants someone to care about. often many someones! he gravitates towards big loyal teams, and he usually spends his time at home building a place for that team to be protected and safe, and is willing to die to defend that home (and he has. twice.)

dogwarts was a big team whose loyalty he took seriously and whose home he died to defend. the shadow alliance had matching skins and, until they went red, all ren's loyalty, and their base of operations was one of the last bases standing bc Ren continually put it back together for his teammates. Ren and BigB died on the doorstep of of box, with ren's last words being about defending it. home and the people in it are important to him

treesekai Ren is the same, but he doesnt really have anywhere to point it. he has a home, but what matters to Ren about a home is that theres people in it. he loves the country he rules but he thinks if he does that hard enough he'll have someone, and he just doesnt. he assumes he can trust his staff, thinks he'll be able to make alliances with other nations, hopes his fiance will be that person he needs. but he isnt! and Ren cant trust him! or his staff! or other royalty! no one else in the world cares about him! many of the people close to him ultimately want him dead!

so, in the game, he ends up paranoid, and he ends up evil, and he ends up dead

but in the fic he meets Martyn, and he gets that connection and affection and care hes been looking for all this time. and like. it fascinates me how much Martyn doesnt know how much hes changed ren's life. Ren isnt evil for nothing--above all he's lonely and hurt. by saving him from loneliness, Martyn saves his life. he could abandon the game plotline then and there, completely forgoing all the normal isekai tropes of running thru every event w future knowledge and picking the best possible outcome, and Ren would no longer die. just by being there and sincerely caring for Ren, Martyn has already achieved the best of all possible worlds. and he doesnt even know it!

i just. i love how lonely he is and how simple he is. he just wants to be loved. he just wants to love someone. he's a dating sim character, after all, and that's the whole point, isn't it? his world exists just so the people in it can be loved, and he's not allowed to have any of that. if youd just give him a romance, he'd be more than happy to be a love interest instead, but he isnt! he isnt allowed! no wonder he loses it. on some level, maybe he knows hes being denied the fundamental purpose for existence in his universe

this is rambly bc its rlly late but im just. it must hurt more than anything to be the one character in a world about love who is meant to be completely unlovable

[seariii]

Hi Seari 😭 sorry to flood your ask box again lol, but I just wanted to let you know how I appreciate how appreciative you are if that makes sense? You always take the time to thank everyone frequently, you’re eloquent with your words, and you just have this air of gratitude with you where ever you go. And I really admire that about you <3 I want to strive to personally work on that because it’s difficult for my brain to comprehend those kinds of things for myself, so I wanted to let you know how you’ve inspired me to work towards that <3 ilu and thank you so much for being you

aw rose.... this made me really soft.... i love you a lot, really. and dont apologize, you can flood my ask box with more than 20 questions/messages a day and i'll be extremely happy

serious talk for a little bit hahaha... ill put it under the cut because i started rambling and got a bit long.... YOU DONT HAVE TO READ ALL THAT OKAY???? just the last paragraph, thats a message for you

tldr of the serious talk under the cut: Unknown Mother Goose by Wowaka (i also really liked this adaptation) "Even if the world were to reject me today, would i still be able to sing a song of love?"

i never really thought about that, you know? i enjoy telling people how i feel about them, especially to people i love. and im thinking for how long have i done this... when did i start... im not entirely sure... i can go far back when i barely did it, but did it every once in a while like a birthday or when i started to notice the people around me werent giving up on me... and i can go back relatively recently where this feelings landed me in a kind community during covid...

in all honesty, i believe this feelings of gratefulness, of having to express them come from being scared of losing people... come from a lonely place... when you feel cold or have felt cold for so long that you dont remember much warmth, when you find that warmth its soft, gentle, and a little overwhelming... i have many problems connecting with people, and in my own brain, sometimes i feel like im all alone in the world... but... people are warm... people are kind... you, them, make it feel like maybe the entities around me arent just faceless shadows...

i joke with my bestie about how we are that meme of "nothing in life matters" but im the happy one and hes the existential one, but a lot of time i truly feel like that. and from that, makes it easier to enjoy the little sweet stuff, the sweetness of the people around me... and its impressive when i notice that sometimes it doesnt have any reason behind it, or that the reason is just love... its like my brain cant comprehend others doing stuff out of love for the world, so i always get surprised when someone does it for me (and oh boy have i been surprised to tears with you all pretty people)... i think life is a little silly and there isnt much meaning, but that gives us freedom... and that makes everything a person does beautiful...

... you know rose? thank you. i feel like im about to cry hahahahaha /pos ... thank you for always being so kind, so sweet to me, you make me feel like things are okay, and it genuinely makes me happy to see you or interact or talk with you. it made me really happy that you wanted to include me in the conversation, in the group. im someone who feels lonely easily, and the kindness you've shown me has really made me happy and... i really appreciate it... sometimes i say i dont have the words and still try to express myself, because i want to make my message get across... like right now in this paragraph hahaha.... you are someone who i really really appreciate and i just wish to see you happy and achieve everything you want. just know that no matter what, ill be rooting for you, you truly deserve everything in this world, thats how i feel.... im thankful and moved that i inspired you... i never thought id have that effect on people... thank you

[akindplace]

Can you help me? I dont have friends. I have been going through some stuff a few years and had severe depression and then covid came and basically I lost touch with everyone. I also moved cities the same time so like I cant actually find a way to hang out with my old friends and since I kinda just cut off people I cant really go back

See now the issue is im in a new place but i have so much social anxiety i barely talk to ppl. I sometimes think I can do life by myself but I realized that I dont even have an emergency contact? Like I know a couple of my neighbors but thats pretty much it. I just know them. I also work from home and its not really a job which needs talking

Help me, how do I make friends? I am in my late 20s and I used to be someone who had so many people but now I am just so alone and scared it will never change.

Im honestly a big fan of just messaging people I think are cool on their dms, it’s a a good way of chatting people and talk about interests, so if their stories show them in a concert, I can just go “wow I love this band, xyz also has a similar sound, have you heard xyz”. There are apps for making friends or so they say, but I don’t know if they work. There are also group activities you can join depending on your interests, like book clubs, film clubs, churches, volunteer groups, and courses since the frequent proximity helps friendships to happen.

I think the scary thing about friendships is the vulnerability aspect of it, because you need people to connect with but that connection means they’ll see you in ways you can’t really control. And when we get really anxious it’s hard to do things without panicking and being afraid the other person is judging you. You’ll probably have to talk to others while still being anxious, but it will get a bit easier with time. And if you’re still feeling too anxious, maybe try therapy, if it’s a possible option of course. We all want to have friends but I think we’re all more lonely than we show, so it might help to think of someone else as a person who is just as lonely as you are.

Edit: hey is someone has more information to help anon please say so in the reply section of the post, please?

[skunkes]

wrt last reblog I also saw something recently that resonated with me, adjacent to it.

OP of the video im talking about explained that making friends is hard as an adult, but what if you finally make a friend and after a few hangouts you realize you dont actually like them? She goes on to say that she doesn't want to be friends with people she only Kind Of likes, because she had to do that all through her teenage years (likely at school).

But meeting people you instantly click with and have foundations for a real friendship is rare, so what are you supposed to do? Friend-break-up with someone? That's just rude. But having to maintain friendship with someone you only sort of like is also exhausting...

I made a new, quickly very close friend recently and was talking about dis to them, I talked about how I struggle making friends but after seeing some people's online circles I'm okay with that. Because I don't know how people juggle having so many acquaintances/Not Actual Friends. I could never do that. I want my time to go to myself and others I love and not having to either find excuses for plans I don't actually want to partake in or feel like I have to hang out with acquaintances for "maintenance" or to "reset the required hangout timer."

Hoping that doesnt sound Evil...having to do that with acquaintances is just one of those Life things, its normal but I'd prefer not have to do it more than I have to...ykwim

And how do you tell someone "um well its not that i dont like you but I cant imagine our friendship ever deepening to a point where im super comfortable with you and actively want to spend lots of time with you sooo bye!"

Not every friendship needs to be like that btw, acquaintances are important but one would rather just have more time to spend with the people they DO connect with better.

Also acquaintance doesn't automatically mean bad! I have acquaintances that I enjoy talking to and hanging out with even though we wont ever be Besties, I guess this post was more focused on acquaintances where the feeling is more like. They like you way way way more than you like them...

Idk. Last post reminded me of that. Its hard to make friends and I also dont seek it out because Id rather not have to also forever juggle a sea of pushy acquaintances while searching for the deep connections (which I'm so lucky to have found more often, by chance. Guess I just have to keep waiting around to get lucky.)

Meeting people you can actually connect with DOES take so much energy and time. And its hard to just stop contacting the people you dont click with along the way sometimes. So much energy to maintain the same level of effort and emotional investment across multiple different relationships when I'd rather just be deepening bonds with the people I do have/finding more of those Exact Same Bonds. Idk!

Weird type of lonely. I dont want to be friends with people I only sort of like...

[finlizziah]

Vent post

God yk. Its really nice having friends from tumblr. We vibe over the same stuff, get along well, flirt and stuff. And yet. Even though I have multiple friends like that, where flirting and being horny like that is normal, I feel kinda lonely.

Like I logically shouldnt, I more or less have all my social needs filled. I can get attention from multiple people in different ways, I get along real well with these people. And yet deep inside I feel alone, like I have nobody.

Maybe I've grown numb to the attention, or maybe I miss how well I got along with my ex and the relationship I had. Maybe I just miss having that relation with her or having such a deep and close bond altogether. I dont know and I hate it.

Its been a year since and I still fucking miss her, I shouldnt be feeling something for someone for this long, this is really not normal for me and yet I cant stop dreaming of talking to her again. Maybe im refusing to actually open up deep inside to have such a meaningful connection with another. Who knows

I just want to talk to someone about whatever, just random things, I wanna share what I did, feel like I'm wanted for who I am. I want to be loved in the most genuine way possible and love them back. Yet it feels so hard to find someone I could connect to. Why is it so hard.

I feel so tired and I feel alone. Why do I feel tired

[randys-ranch]

damnnnn i miss my friend lol ahaha *kills self

Im not exactly happy about Gyro. I was a really lonely kid prior to 2020, i had like one friend and being part of Fersona earnestly changed my life, Gyro was one of my longest friendships, i loved this person, but to defend their participation in fetishizing child abuse and other such materials would just go against my morals, i'd really just like to see them reflect and get better, i didnt really want to leave but what fucking choice did i have if it was posting joyously about "t4t incest" or writing about a demented, lobotomized, transgender woman raping a child after school hours. Just why did you have to do this? this isnt how you cope, this isnt normal or healthy and it feels like self harm so why would you go ahead and say all these things. i dont wanna assume but yknow.yknowww it feels like Mallory coaxed them into it, entering a relationship with Mallory only to randomly one day get exposed for getting off to actual child abuse feels weirdly connected. but these were the people i'd suspect last of such a thing. i was raised on drama content, on callouts and whole essays dissecting how a child predator or a fido fucker was exposed and their descent into madness. i try to be normal, i try to have that voice in the back of my mind at all times. and yknow. i do struggle with weird things too, i did so at their age, i wouldnt say i was groomed, but i was influenced, i was influeneced and conditioned and i knew it was bad but i was told it wasnt bad as long as a very flimsy condition could be met and im seeing that in Gyro, someone their age takes their hand, pats it, and says "hey...its weird to be a freak" and you say "yeah! yeah! i know that! i advocate for freaks!" but at some point its not being a freak, its being a danger to yourself, its a slippery slope into something very very bad. i know you cant exactly control this sorta feeling i know this is a mental illness i know you have to get treated for paraphilias but for fucks sake you dont need to indulge it, when you have an urge to self harm you might self harm, or you might try to not self harm, you might find ways to hurt yourself without saying its self harm. as long as its not strictly "knife to wrist" you cant call it self harm right? like beating your legs until theyre purple or slamming your head against the wall or scratching yourself or bumming cigs or actually fucking slicing up for vulva for no fucking reason or trying to get yeast on purpose and then years later it happens okay WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING DO THAT. i miss my friend, they were my friend, i know we stopped talking as much, it hurt, i wanted to talk more, to both of them, but maybe its good i didnt get too attached.

fuck 4th of july

[transdib]

i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

[hedgewitchh]

basically the thing to understand about me is i wake up at 11 am every morning and i have to decide if im going to eat the slabs of raw meat in my fridge.

i havent done it yet!! obviously, lol. but i go to get some eggs for breakfast and i see them there. the weak fridge light coats them in a glistening glow that should be unflattering (i really should change the bulb) but instead i am entranced. theyre piled up on top of each other sort of haphazardly, a thin, wide pale plate the only thing standing between them and the defilement of the foodstuffs below. i think theyre steaks? im not really sure. im not an expert you know, though i do spend a LOT of time researching and reading about the topic. i guess im something of an appreciator; an enthused observer. my vision unfocuses a little as i get lost in this familiar sight. the proud red color of the thick muscle swirls with the white of the marbling and it reminds me of van gogh, although a bit messier. as if he'd been up to his usual business and then splashed his paints across the thin, wide pale canvas in a serendipitous and terrible mistake. i become acutely aware of my skull's presence in my head. the way my face hangs off it like a coat on a hook. then i notice the eggs in my peripherals and remember what i am here for. i crack three of them into a bowl, add a little milk, salt, pepper, onion powder and garlic powder, beat the eggs, and scramble them over medium heat. theyre ok, not the best I've done.

when i tell people about this usually theyre a little confused. they ask me why id even want to eat the slabs of raw meat in my fridge. "you dont need to do something as drastic as that, cant you just grill them?" is the response i get most. the thing is, i love cooked meat! i eat it alll the time, its so delicious. i love all the ways you can prepare it, too, and you better bet ive tried most of them. however theres a certain je ne sai quoi about the idea of meat untouched by flame. nobody seems to get it. it makes me feel really lonely sometimes and like im going crazy.

lately ive been turning to online communities for a lot of my socialization. it turns out there are actually quite a few people out there who also think about this sort of stuff! theyre all very kind and intelligent as well, just total delights to speak with. i stay up late talking to them and laughing and feeling connected with them in ways ive never felt before. they make me feel as if maybe im not a monster.

some of them have eaten the meat in their fridges. they post pictures of themselves with grins and blood plastered on their faces. the cloying envy that fills my throat and threatens to suffocate me is one of the strange new connections between us because i know they've felt it too.

honestly most of these feelings are new, period. i havent always been so fixated on this. i used to not give that plate a second thought. of course, ive always been a bit of a carnivore, like i said before i do love and have always loved cooked meats. but this is a new level. its scary. intense. i mean also think of the risks! you can get hurt from doing this shit. i am very aware of all the ways that it can hurt you in fact. ive spent hours upon hours poring over everything anyone has ever had to say about the meat in their fridges and embroidered a complete list of consequences onto my consciousness. its always best to be safe.

i barely remember what its like to be normal anymore. no matter what im doing or where i am the knowledge that there is a plate of luscious animal product just waiting for me gnaws at the base of my brain stem. i open the door to my fridge. the tree of knowledge of good and evil is rooted in my vegetable drawer. i grab three eggs, i crack them into a bowl. milk, garlic, onion, some seasoned salt this time, because i am a person who likes to keep things fresh and new and exciting.

i lay in my bed and thoughts clump up in my brain matter. everything in the grand cosmos and also within the most secretive corners of my heart comes together and holds council over whether i should let these thoughts eat into my synapses. there's a delicious temptation in the erosion of my nervous system. there's a phrase on the tip of my tongue and i won't let it go. the aforementioned clumped concepts that weigh on my frontal cortex start bleeding raw sensory data. red and white swirl like a painting and my teeth rip into tendon and bone and i tear and i rip and there is a carnal beauty in the way blood pours from my mouth and down the front of my body and coats my skin in a slick crimson. this is no van gogh, now it is francisco goya, and i am greedily gulping down mouthfuls of flesh as if i've never tasted anything before in my entire life. and i am laying in my bed. and i go to sleep. and at 11 am i wake up in the morning and face whether or not i'm going to eat the slabs of meat in my fridge

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i wanted to get any kind of input or opinion because i think theres something really wrong with me. ive always been obsessed with labels and terms to identify myself, always switching them around and finding a new one regularly to base myself off of. right now at least i have no actual sense of identity and its very possible i could just be reaching because i tend to do that a lot but i dont remember a time where i genuinely had a hold on who i was, aside from when i had a really unhealthy obsession with one singular person for about 2 years. my entire life and mental state revolved around them during that time and to be honest, even though we arent on speaking terms anymore, still seeing them on socials messes me up pretty often.

anyway, the main issue is that i dont really know who i am or who i even want to be. i cant even really keep a name/nickname to go buy for longer than a few months only because i know it inconveniences the people around me (however few there are now). and thats another thing! im really iffy about making connections with people now because a lot about it makes me uncomfortable, like the responsibility and having to deal with another person all the time. i know that sounds really shitty, but i feel like i spent all my love ill ever have on that one person for two years and now that its gone, its never coming back. im still very lonely now but the thought of trying to fix that is really uncomfortable to me. its not that im incapable of making friends, its that after a while ill kind of get tired of them? something about consistency makes me restless and i know its shitty because im a really up and down kind of friend, like recently ive only been talking to people when i feel like it, which is one big reason i dont want to make friends and put people through that.

back to the labels and identity thing. its always kind of been there, but recently the urge to cling to some sort of label or answer for my behavior and thoughts and feelings has been so strong that i almost wish i was genuinely delusional or something. or just that something was seriously wrong with me, just so that i have something new and big to cling to. i know thats bad and unhealthy but i dont know how else to function. ive been thinking recently that i have a lot of narcissistic traits, or at least self centered tendencies. i always operate like im the main character. i always do things with the thought in mind that there will be no negative outcomes for me, and if there so happens to be one, then ill somehow weasel my way out of it. i think that everything will always go well for me, which is weird because it very much has not in the past. a lot of bad things have happened to me, but in a weird fucked up kind of way im glad they did. because now i have some sort of trauma to cling to and roll into my identity. but the flaw in that is that i need a new one every so often. i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely dont know who i am. and thats why i think somethings wrong with me. because what normal person thinks and operates like this? i dont know if i fully described the reality of my situation, or if im just saying that because i want it to seem worse, but thats about it. sorry for the long ask. i hope you can get around to answering

Hi anon,

I think to some degree its okay to like labels, as they can provide us a sense of structure and being able to name things can give a lot of people comfort. It's also okay to change your identity, as identities are fluid and naturally change over time. You're allowed to change your identity as many times as you want because it's literally yours to dictate, you know?

However, there are many different possibilities as to why you may be experiencing this frequent shift in identity. While I can help explain what these possibilites might be, it is crucial to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

One of the possibilities is that you could have some narcissistic tendencies, as from my understanding of NPD, it's about basically trying to regain control of feeling worthless or helpless by constructing a reality of grandiosity that can be incredibly fragile (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Also in the realm of personality disorders, the idea of having "identity disturbance" and "unhealthy obsessions" with someone is characteristic of BPD. Identity disturbance, also sometimes called identity diffusion, is described as an "incoherence, or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing. It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity." Of course, you can experience identity disturbance without BPD, but it's still a common experience among pwBPD.

Another possibility is tired to when you said "i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely don't know who i am" as it reminded me of how a system might experience their identity, especially if they don't realize they're a system. This is not me saying you're definitely a system, but the possibility of plurality could be something to explore further as well.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore further with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can work with you to identify more concretely why you may be experiencing these things. They can also help you navigate these feelings and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

It's important to practice self-care and be gentle with yourself as you navigate your identity. Please know that it's okay to take your time and embrace the journey of self-discovery. If anyone has any additional insights or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[ninjamelissajulien]

i want to get this off my chest

ive never felt connected to gender to be honest. i have the body of a woman, and sometimes i like it, but other times i wish i was just... vague. like, i dont see myself as a man, but i don’t quite feel connected to the set definition of a woman. ive always felt that inside im kind of a void, never truly a woman on the inside. ive always hated my name. yes, the one in my username. ive hated it for so many years. i refuse to change my url because im a stubborn bitgh. but, ive yearned for androgyny. I want to be androgynous. i want short hair. I want to be known as Hunter. i like that name. i like it when im called that irl. 

but my parents. i can never tell them.

they already struggle with me identifying as ace lesbian. even though its been 7 years since i came out, i know they still doubt me. i want to tell them so badly. i want them to know that im genderqueer. or nonbinary. something. i dont know. they already dont understand the “they�� as a singular pronoun and they’re not too keen on adapting. i dont think i can ever truly tell them. but god do i want to. i want to experiment. i want to know who i am. i want to tell them that i lean towards tarot and wiccan ideology, rather than the catholic ideals i was raised with, yet they cant accept the fact that i never have and never will be catholic. 

yet, im also scared im never going to find love. 

ive never felt a romantic connection to anyone. the few times ive gotten close, nothing was ever reciprocated. im 25 and still havent had my first kiss for christ’s sake. i want to know what a real kiss feels like. i want to have someone i can hold hands with, to shower with gifts and tiktoks that make me think of them, to listen to them discuss what theyre passionate about. i want someone to hold at night. i want someone i can cook for. i want to walk around and say “look at my beautiful, handsome partner”. im so scared of dating apps, or going to bars. ive tried asking people out. it never goes anywhere. somedays, i think im too ugly to ever be loved. who would ever want anyone like me. im a nobody. im always going to be replaceable. ill be forgotten anyways. i always am. ive had so many failed friendships, ive tried to hold on but they always drift away. somedays i wonder why i bother. with anything. 

my name is hunter. im 25 years old, im genderqueer/nonbinary, i am she/they. im lonely, im scared, im forgettable, im replaceable. thats all ill ever be

[skinmite]

stede and ed are in their own little world

theyre both terrible captains. and that makes their relationship with the crew completely fucked. the captain is responsible for ensuring the safety and wellbeing of the crew and neither of them are being shown to give a shit.

eds relationship with his crew hasnt evolved at all from when we first meet him. izzy tells him several crew members died carrying out eds orders to find stede. and eds like “well thats thats their job” then “edward if you dont do something were all were ALL gonna die” “hm theres an idea”. hes very experienced and intelligent but that doesnt help when youre reckless and working as an individual while still taking the title of leader. & not keeping people alive. i kept waiting for him to have any growth there but there was nothing. i wanted it so bad but nah. he said sorry to izzy only. cares about him but hasnt had anything with the rest of the crew. he needed moments individually to make amends i think

stedes relationship with his crew got way worse than it was in s1. he was always captaining when he shouldnt have been and responsible for their lives while leading them into danger beyond his ability to ensure their safety but at least he seemed like he cared about their happiness and saying “talk it through”. like there was room for improvement but he went the other way. with s2 its all become so hollow now. he just doesnt care about their feelings if ed is responsible for hurting them. stede not caring At All about lucius being alive was interesting to me. hes kinda just selfish. he sees only ed on an equal level to him and out of the whole crew only izzy really its true. he hasnt had much one-on-one with anyone else.

and then after ed tried to kill half the crew/kill people the other half of the crew love. and all decided their Feelings are “kick him off”. stede still chose ed. they always choose eachother over the crew. and Yeah it makes sense theyre in love. but theyre captains of a pirate ship with a huge target on all of them. but only looking out for the other one. the crew sees how theyre treated. theyre dissatisfied but resigned to their fates. the whole “eh whatever. the captains always get away with it and we just deal with what they put us through” conversation. and really Dont see those two as family at this point lets be real. ed and stede are too focused on each other to be a family to anyone except ed and stede. its true izzy is the only other family member you had it accurate the first time.

they could have changed that if any effort was put in at all but they havent gotten to that point. “oh these people love you oh theyre your family” you cant just write that in and have the crews actions this whole time leading up to that contradict it. just untrue. maybe it being the dying wish of someone who they did actually consider family helped their relationship? a little bit? izzy still picking up eds slack. but then in the end the crew just seem happier without ed and stede. those two arent team players they act as individuals. lone wolf

and thats FINE but not on a ship. having stede give them that push at the beginning of the show was great. to crack their shell a little bit is what started the crews overall growth and im sure they care a little bit about stede for that. and theyre soft people i know they have a lingering connection to them. but they have Not “talked it through” theyre literally “bottling it up” it sucks. theres hope but ed and stede have to reach out but they simply havent. really the way the show is written was the crew-minus-captains becoming family together and ed & stede going off on their own. unfortunate but its just the content of the show. i have a lot of thoughts about this im probably missing something. but the captains/crew relationship was so disappointingly lacking